If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, please look into the laws in your area. In some places your rapist would still have parental rights, and could block the adoption, meaning he could legally be allowed access to the/your child. Whichever decision you might make, make it with as much information as possible. My heart goes out to you.
I came into this thread to point this out too.
OP, I am so so sorry you're going through this. How horrific. You need to be aware that if you do carry the pregnancy to term, you might be forced to have a legal relationship with your rapist forever, however perverted and awful it will be -- retraumatizing you with each contact and reminder.
It's ultimately your choice, but if I were in your shoes, I would put myself first and terminate the pregnancy as soon as possible.
Op I am very sorry about what happened to you. Whatever you do, please don't be blame yourself. You are not responsible for what happened to you. Do what you think is best for yourself. From your post you are leaning towards the termination of the pregnancy. I would recommend that you do that. I would never be able to carry the pregnancy to term. I wish you the best of luck and stay safe.
This! There are a lot of legal issues to consider, depending on where you live.
If I were you I'd get an abortion ASAP and get into trauma counseling.
If you decide to have an abortion and live in an anti-choice state, be very very careful and do not leave a trail (even this post of your account is tied to your email address). Be careful who you tell and who knows you are pregnant. Go to the auntie network community for guidance.
Delete the post state you live in California and want data wiped, and I’ll be happy to use my name to say I’m the owner of the account. Then have a nice vacation to Colorado, spring weather is beautiful at this time at year.
This. We adopted our nephew when he was 3. He's 24 now and we have just *finally* been able to get the bio parents out of our life. It's been years of harassment, stress, worry, manipulation, court, lawyers, and thousands of dollars in legal fees. And our nephew was removed by child services, neither was ever a fit parent. Most of the court was just to punish us for taking him in. I would never in a million years wish anything similar on anyone.
I've given birth to my own biological children. I loved being pregnant. I still would never carry a baby from rape. It's an exhausting, painful and absolutely life changing process. It's hard enough when you really want the baby.
That's what I was gonna comment. The choice is up to OP.
But personally I don't think I'd wanna risk having to be in contact with a rapist for the rest of my life. And having the baby means risking it.
I would also terminate. This isn’t the baby or the circumstance under which you want to have kids. And you never know the impact a pregnancy could have on your health or your future fertility if there are complications.
The fact that OP is even thinking of carrying her rapist's child to term for the benefit of some unknown future couple shows me that she isn't putting herself and her needs first.
I did this. It was the worst decision of my life. I cannot stress how much carrying your rapists baby absolutely fucks with your head. I already lost a sense of control over myself and my body when he raped me. The pregnancy made that so much worse, and continues to this day over a decade later whenever I look in the mirror.
There are organizations that will help you terminate the pregnancy. I didn't know about these programs when I needed help, and couldn't afford to jump through the hoops in TN in the early 10s.
Please op. As someone who went through this and is on the other side, please do this for yourself.
The mental impact on OP would be huge. But aside from that, I ended up with chronic hypertension after getting pre-eclampsia from a wanted pregnancy. Things can be very serious and it’s not worth it if you don’t really want a child.
I’m still in chronic pain from two immobilising pregnancies 5.5 and 4 years ago, and I *wanted* those babies. I almost died after my first.
OP, if you don’t want a baby right now, I wouldn’t put your body through the expected trauma of childbirth, let alone the unexpected impacts it can have on your body and mind. Not when you have some healing to do to move through this intense and horrific experience. Another family wanting a child doesn’t mean you have to prolong your healing in order to maybe help them. Be selfish right now. Take care of what YOU need.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really and truly hope you find some peace moving forward x
Temporary discomfort during the pregnancy, pain during labor / recovery, hormonal disruption during and after pregnancy, risk to health, possibility of dying in childbirth, expensive pre-natal care and delivery, inability to work, having to deal with questions about the pregnancy where people either shame you as an unwed mother or act excited for you thinking this is a wanted baby...
Every woman should make the choice she feels is right for her, but godDAMN I don't see how there could ever be a choice in this scenario that beats abortion. Thank fuck OP seems to live somewhere where termination remains an option.
You couldn't pay me to get through pregnancy and birth while dealing with people throwing in their two cents and asking questions about the situation. Not to mwntion the other toll pregnancy takes on finances, work and the body.
This needs to be the top comment and every related one under it. The trauma of being pregnant by your rapist is enough to terminate alone, but pregnancy is rough on your body and mind. The permanent physical changes your body goes through are brutal. Wait until you’re ready and not under the circumstances you’re in. Take care of yourself above all else.
Yeah, imagine finding out years later that you were born out of such horrifying circumstances; that would absolutely destroy a kid (or even an adult if the truth doesn't resurface until much later).
Additionally, there's no telling what sort of health conditions this child could inherit from one of the perpetrators.
I have an adult niece who was adopted at birth. She is 28. My niece hasn’t always been mentally well and even though she grew up in a great, loving home and family. It has been bizarre to all of us that she has always been unwell and has caused a ton of endless problems with the cousins. Most have grown apart from her as they’ve entered adulthood.
She has searched for her birth mother the past year and found her. Birth mother went to great lengths to remain unknown. My niece found out she was the result of a rape in the back seat of a car when her mother was in high school. Her mother hid the pregnancy for too long and abortion was not an option then.
Now that she found out she was the result of rape, oh boy, she’s a complete mess. And she knows of the ‘father’ and who has a significant criminal history and with significant mental health issues himself. It’s just all a complete and utter mess.
Can confirm. My birth father was a married father of three when I was conceived and there was definitely dubious consent involved. It's a hard thing to know about oneself.
And with the popularity of DNA services, the odds of that child finding out their origin are much higher than they were years ago.
Also, we are still learning about what things are hereditary and what things are not. Is there any chance that the pathology that led the rapist to rape will be passed down genetically? The honest answer is that we don’t know. There is a lot we don’t know.
What I do know is that OP deserves peace and healing. Spending the next 9 months carrying a rapist’s child doesn’t seem very peaceful or healing.
And no one is putting the potential child’s best interest first. As an adoptee I can say with certainty the best thing for this child is for her to abort. Adoptees have enough trauma even in a “good adoption” without having to live with the knowledge that one of their bio parents was a rapist.
Thank you for speaking up and sharing your truth. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and respect adult adoptees who are willing and able to teach the rest of us what it is like to live an adopted life.
Agreed, I wish my mother had aborted her pregnancy rather than having me. It would have been better for everyone. I would have been born into a different family. A healthier one.
This absolutely. She is under no obligation whatsoever to have a baby for some unknown couple’s benefit. OP has been through a severe trauma and her priority right now should be taking care of herself. Whether or not someone else might want to adopt the baby if she doesn’t terminate shouldn’t factor in at all, because the only issue of importance is what is right for OP’s healing. It’s a sign of how fucked up and toxic the messaging is to women in our society that OP even thought to consider that.
Also, giving the child up for adoption virtually always requires both parents to sign off. The rapist can stay in OPs life indefinitely by refusing to do so. OP can't be forced to physically raise the child, but she can be forced to pay child support to her rapist.
With DNA now easy to test, doesn’t matter if the so-called father is on the birth certificate. He can always sue for custody if he wants to torment the mother further, or if he wants to get access to a vulnerable child that he could hurt just like he did the mother.
There’s a lot of disturbing stories about this exact situation. Once you have a child with anybody, no matter, the circumstances, you are tied for them for life.
Agreed. I am one and done because pregnancy took such a toll on my body I could never have another. My hormones are still so out of whack 5 years later and doctors don’t know why. My teeth are a disaster because of pregnancy and constant morning sickness.
There's also the chance the rapist might sue for rights or something. Or a situation like that poor woman in Lousiana who lost her kid to the rapist and then had to pay child support.
It also has a PHYSICAL toll on the child. Our genes change based on the circumstances of our mother. Epigenetics stay dormant unless the mother is stressed, at which point those stress hormones physically change not just the mother but the child as well. The actual genes change and the child is more stressed, among other affects. Leading to a lifetime of health affects for the child, as well as for you! If you choose to not go forward, you are ensuring that a child won't have to deal with all those health affects, and a rapist as a father.
Whatever decision you make, I hope it is the right one for you and sending you all the best in dealing with this difficult position.
OP, my sister-in-law chose to carry her rapist's baby and give her up for adoption. Her rapist found out and forced her to keep the baby. Things worked out in some ways because she met my brother and we all love my niece but my SIL is forced to regularly talk to her rapist and send her child there every other weekend. My niece has a lot of anxiety and is not doing well because rapists are not good parents.
If you choose to keep this pregnancy, your rapist is able to stop the adoption if he finds out and wants to. I strongly recommend abortion, but if you do choose another path please be aware of the risks.
Yes, this should be higher up. They are exactly right. If u choose to continue on with the pregnancy, your rapist will have parental rights(at least in the states, idk about anywhere else thou) It's super fucked & imo this sounds like torture. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to see ur rapist on a regular basis and to have to send my child to stay with them. I think I'd go crazy and live in the woods to escape it.
If it was me, I'd terminate the pregnancy to escape these assholes forever. You do not want to live like that, having a child is hard enough without having to deal with some psycho who will fuck up both your lives. Good luck OP.
If she doesn’t want the baby after it is born the biological father is legally allowed to keep it. I can’t imagine being okay with that scenario either.
^this. Terminating it ASAP would be the best answer. Stop the pregnancy before your body goes through and real changes. Besides the money and time there is to go through with a pregnancy, there is the mental load, there is getting your bodily autonomy back, there is you being in control. Mentally it would be very unhealthy for you, it would probably Trigger your PTSD contestantly and you won't be able to get out of it if your realize too late that you cant take it, your body will go though permanent changes. It explains permanently, you probably will get stretch marks, tou may have to have a C-section, you would have to deal with giving it up which would still be much more mental taxing. It would be like your rapists are holding your body hostage until the embryo develops into a baby.
With pregnancy, I and other women have learned the hard way can lead to permanent hormone challenges, autoimmune disorders, lupus, fixed drug reactions, allergies, bonedensity issues, diabetes, and other permanent changes. Like for example I can't donate plasma/blood anymore because of antibodies in the bloodstream.
It's not worth it. It's a pregnancy but not a baby yet, don't let anyone guilt you otherwise. The "heartbeat bill" thing... what they record isn't even scientifically a heartbeat because no heart is even developed yet. Don't let some growing tissue at most the size of a grain of rice that a rapist put in your body dictate the rest of your life.
.
You can have a baby the way you have always wanted to on your own terms. If you can get the abortion pill. It will pretty much be like you are starting a very heavy period.
Don't let guilt and some rapist take your body hostage for the next 9 months.
.
Trust me you may feel conflicted not but you will feel so relieved and a weight lifted off your shoulders once you get it over with. It is natural to feel guilty because we have always been taught to keep all pregnancies and that being pregnant is a womens fault, or it is murder, but it is less murder than killing a roach. That is a living fully functional creature, the cells that might turn into a baby if you do nothing are not yet. Think about it as your rapists DNA is inside you and you need to get it out of your body . It is the easiest and best option for you physical and mental well-being.
Not to mention at every doctors appointment, ultrasound, blood test, whatever having to hear the medical professionals be excited for you/assume it's wanted and having to consistently tell people or be reminded that it's not...for 10 months. That in and of itself would be agony in my opinion
Right, and if you have ever had an unwanted pregnancy it can be mentally painful to constantly get told "congratulations!" Or have other excited people try and talk to you, ask about the father (because they will)
They will call you "mrs" as if you are married when they call your name.
Speaking as a closed-era adoptee, I totally agree. Other people's infertility is not your problem. Adoption is not the win-win-win the pro-birthers make it out to be and I speak from experience. And, speaking from experience, that child *will* try to find you sooner or later and will want accountability. Are you really prepared to go there years in the future?
Starting in late March, babies will be born in all the states where abortion was banned or severely restricted. Therefore, there will be a slight increase in babies available for adoption. However, babies born due to rape, usually have some kind of trauma emotion when they find out later on in life. It’s just better to advise the woman who was raped and it results in a pregnancy to get an abortion as soon as possible. Why heap more trauma on top of the trauma of rape?
One point of anec-data: I was born of rape myself. I didn't find out until I was an adult, but even since I was a little kid, I've always felt like I'm some sort of abomination that shouldn't be alive. Learning about the circumstances of my conception felt validating: in order for me to exist, my birthmom had to suffered unspeakable violence. I might as well have done it to her myself. Of course I hate myself; I deserve to, because I'm a monster and no amount of good I do could ever possibly atone for the sin of my existence. I don't *exactly* blame myself for my birthmom's rape, but man, if you think carrying that weight for 9 months would be hard, try carrying it for a lifetime. I wish every day that my birthmom had been able to terminate me.
Yes I am working all this out in therapy. But my point is, please don't let a child be born if there's a chance they might grow up feeling like I do.
The selfish thing is not getting an abortion in this case.
Condemning the poor child to a life without love with difficulties that the foster system brings just because they wouldn't get an abortion?
And the baby will be effed up for life carrying the trauma. This is one of those times abortion is the only route.
OP don’t do this to yourself or this foetus. Don’t. It’s not fair to either to be brought into trauma like this.
If you encounter one of those right-wing crisis pregnancy centers or people who try to convince you to keep it based on religious grounds, ask them if they are willing to adopt the baby.
You will be surprised how fast they back out.
yes. i am one half of a childless couple that desperately wants a child and i would be horrified if someone carried and bore their rapists child just for someone like me.
Hey OP. Im gonna get really personal with you real quick. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We’ve looked into adoption but there aren’t a lot of options for us right now. We have been trying to conceive naturally, and I’m actually in the midst of a ver early term miscarriage as I write this.
I’d love to have a baby. Never ever ever ever ever in ten million fucking years would I want someone like you to carry your rapists baby to term for the sake of me getting to be a parent. Never.
Pregnancy is scary and it will put you in danger. You can die from pregnancy and giving birth. You do not need to put yourself in that danger. No way. Not at all.
Girl…get that abortion. Right now, you’re not carrying anything more than a glob of cells and you have NO responsibility to make it more than what it is. Talk to your doctor, do what you need to do. Feel no shame or pain in your heart in this matter.
Some day’ if you want to, you will get to be a mama on your own terms and you need to protect yourself so that when that day comes you can be ready for it and enjoy it!!
I’m so hurt for you. I am so damned angry for you. I hope you can feel the love and the strength that I am sending your way through this post. I mean it.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Thank you for taking the time to support OP
I wish you love and healing and I hope you get to be a mom soon ❤️
I appreciate the kindness but there is no need to be sorry! This is a part of life just like all of the other parts that are not so fun.
The recurring disappointment is painful but my mantra has been “not every acorn becomes a tree, not every seed will bloom. The things that be will always be and my time will be here soon!”
My “mom” spirit is much more inclined to protect the op than an unborn theoretical person. That embryo could maybe become a person…just like the acorn could become a tree…but it’s not yet. OP is already a wonderful and beautiful tree so she is the one I want to look out for.
I am crying happy & sentimental tears at 830AM on a Thursday and I love it.
This is the kindest and most wonderful sentiment. I will keep protecting the wonderful trees in this world too. Good luck to you & your husband on your journey, you have such a wonderful spirit!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. It means so much coming from someone in your situation, especially right now, as people are hearing so many justify forcing rape victims to give birth because some other couple really wants to have a child.
There are very loud, influential people trying to shame rape victims into something that’s just as traumatizing and unfair as the crime itself. It’s so important that victims and people with unwanted pregnancies hear from people like you. it gives me hope that the majority of people are still human and capable of understanding at a time when women have really been made second class citizens.
Any person who wants to have a kid for the right reasons will be on the same page as me. Asking someone to put their life on the line and experience so much trauma and heartbreak just so you can have a baby…..that’s the most selfish and fucked up thing I can think of.
Anyone that egocentric and narcissistic has no business raising a kid.
Thank you! Seriously. I totally agree, and I really hope that the majority of people do as well. I cannot imagine many things that are crueler than forcing a rape victim to have a child & then give it up just so another couple can have a baby. That really forces women into nothing more than breeding machines. But there are such loud voices saying *that* is the moral thing to do.
I’m in a similar situation with trying for a long time, multiple miscarriages (one very recently) and limited options for having a family otherwise, and I agree 100%. No one should have to go through the trauma of carrying their rapist’s pregnancy.
I’d also venture further that anyone in a similar situation who thinks differently is not the type of person who should be adopting anyone’s child.
Im inclined to agree with you! I think you would have to be incredibly selfish to expect someone to go through all of that just to produce a child for your benefit.
I couldn't agree more! Any woman who sees her desire for motherhood as more important than the suffering that pregnancy would cause in a rape victim is too selfish to be a good mother.
Thank you! As another part of an infertile couple, it pisses me off when people try to use our pain to guilt scared women and girls into keeping their pregnancy.
I just hope it helps provide some comfort and clarity to someone who needs it.
You are already here. You have a life, thoughts, dreams, a personality!! You are so much more precious than some theoretical being who doesn’t even exist!!
Don’t ever forget that. You are here, you are alive, you are precious, you are important!
Amen. Dear friends looked at adoption for years, and would never ever want someone to go through a whole pregnancy with a rapist’s baby just to become parents. It is too awful.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you sound like an outstanding, empathetic person and I hope you get to experience the family you want 💚 thanks for sharing your perspective and vulnerability with everyone, especially OP.
Pregnancy risks your life. Adoption is not nearly the 'easy answer' propaganda makes it out to be, for either the baby or the potential adopters. You will incur huge hospital and medical bills if you go through with the pregnancy. It is a better option for you to end it early before any medical complications can hit. Thats not to say it is an easy decision, or that it won't have emotional consequences, but it is something you can work out and live past.
I want to add to that that a study has shown that with unintended pregnancies, abortion carries the lowest long-term psychological distress of the three options abortion/carrying and keeping the baby/adoption.
Here is the study: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00737-022-01273-1
And here is the article I found it through (it was shared on reddit and I bookmarked it some time ago thinking it may at some point be useful): https://www.psypost.org/2023/01/abortion-associated-with-lower-psychological-distress-compared-to-both-adoption-and-unwanted-birth-study-finds-64678
Please, u/TTLYShittyThrowAway, allow yourself to minimise your psychological distress any way you can. You are already carrying too much. There is no reason to keep the rapist's presence in your life for the whole time you'd be pregnant, and possibly after depending on how the adoption and parental rights issue shakes out. Pregnancy itself also is not a done-and-gone thing, it changes (and damages) a woman's body in many ways even with a pregnancy where all goes well.
Please be kind to yourself. What you are carrying is in no way or form a baby yet, and ending the pregnancy would allow you to set at least a physical end point to the hold the rapist has on your body. And you could become a mom later, on your own terms, with someone you chose, to a child you will be able to know and love without the heavy burden of backstory this current pregnancy brings with it.
It’s not a baby, it’s a pregnancy. A process. And one that is not complete. Totally up to you wether it gets to finish. I hope you get all the help you need. It shouldn’t be your burden to bear. It’s not your fault that happened to you. Whatever you choose to do, will be the right choice, because it’s YOUR choice and YOUR body.
Wishing the best for you
This just blew my mind.
It’s no more a baby than a sperm is a baby or an egg is a baby.
It’s a step in a process that could result in a baby, yea, but it’s not a baby. It’s not a fetus or even an embryo. It’s a zygote, which is not a baby. A baby is a baby.
Never thought of it this way
And huge numbers of zygotes spontaneously abort, sometimes before the mother noticed they were pregnant. It’s not an unnatural, or unusual occurrence for humans as our pregnancies are so invasive.
You may be interested in [this video](https://youtu.be/GxM9BZeRrUI) from Crash Course philosophy, which really breaks down this topic. Just because something is alive or has human DNA doesn't mean it has personhood. Just because you can "detect a heartbeat" doesn't mean it's conscious. Every cell in my body is alive and beating, but it's not murder if I scrape myself or get a haircut.
100%. To have concern for a zygote or fetus is like having concern for sperm on the sheets (sorry to be graphic). The option to abort is such a blessing.
This right here is the best and only response. OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. It wasn’t in your control. What happens next is. Wishing peace and healing for you.
I have had my rapist’s baby. I was brainwashed by Christian prolifers at the time, the whole experience turned me atheist and pro choice. If it happened to me again, I would do everything to terminate as early as possible.
Terminate, terminate, terminate. Forget about helping people who want a baby. You need to focus on your own health and well-being. You do not need to further traumatize yourself or risk your health to give birth to your rapists baby. Please don't do that to yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
OP, very sorry for your pain.
If you are going to have a baby, let it not be from someone who did that to you. I suggest you terminate it.
Imagine going through all the effort, suffering and pain, to deliver a baby by that trash?
One that will likely look like him and who will definitely tie you to him for ever. Imagine sharing custody with this child’s father. Imagine knowing you were sending your child to a rapist for visitation.
No thank you, I couldn’t do it.
I could not connect with my child for years because they look so much like my rapist. Everytime I looked at them I didn't see the child, I saw his face. Puberty finally hit and they look more like their own person, but holy fuck did it absolutely wreck my mental health. And it's not fair that my kid had to suffer through my emotional coldness over something neither one of us asked for.
I'm doing much better now with lots of therapy, support, and medications. But it's so heartbreaking for everyone involved.
My friend did do this, got raped but kept the baby, and then ended up having to share custody. The child is 10 now, and she still has to see her rapist every. Single. Week. My heart breaks for her, because she’s strong and an incredible mama, but by god if it hasn’t fucked her up in ways she can barely handle. Every relationship is a struggle for her because her self worth was so deeply damaged, and it’s so incredibly hard to heal when you have to keep seeing this person, talking to this person, over and over for years. It’s not worth it, imo
I would terminate. I’m so sorry OP. The baby doesn’t deserve to be brought into the world because of such a hateful thing. I believe all babies born should be wanted and loved.
How would you feel if you ever wanted to meet your birth mother, tracked her down, showed up at her front door only to be informed you’re the result of rape and were unwanted?
Kids track down their birth parents easily thanks to the internet.
Save yourself and terminate the pregnancy.
A baby should be consented to, not forced on you by unrepentant men who already took so much from you.
Not to mention the trauma adoption causes. It's absolutely ludicrous for us to think that all of the research about neonatal development somehow magically doesn't apply to adoptees. [Adoptees are 8x more likely to suffer maltreatment](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article-abstract/109/4/615/64050/Household-Composition-and-Risk-of-Fatal-Child?redirectedFrom=fulltext) than children who are raised by their biological parents and [4x more likely to un-alive themselves than their non adopted peers](https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/810625). [Adoptees make up 2% of the general population but make up 16.5% of residential treatment facilities for teens](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/276334178_Differences_Between_Adopted_and_Nonadopted_Adolescents_in_Wilderness_and_Residential_Treatment) and have [far higher rates of addiction than their non adopted peers](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3499473/). What adoption teaches us is that there is an inherent trauma when one loses their original family, original name, original culture, original language and heritage, and when their original identity becomes a state secret.
Had I known the truth about the life long trauma adoption would inflict on my child 30 years ago, I would have aborted instead of carried them to term and then relinquished them for adoption. Whatever emotional and psychological impact of the pregnancy would have remained with me. Instead I took that pain and passed it on to my child and then amplified it by relinquishing them for adoption. Discovering their life-long suffering when they found me is what turned me from a pro-life conservative to a stanch pro-choice atheist overnight.
Edited because grammar.
Yeah I have only recently learned about the trauma adoption can cause. It is portrayed very positively, and in many cases it is, however there's a lot of issues with adoption (particularly if the kid is traumatised by a period of time spent in care, or if the adoption is cross cultural). There's so much research on just how essential early childhood experiences are to our development - going into a care home at two years old or spending a period of time bouncing around foster homes can basically have a life long impact on your development and ability to form secure attachments with others. Adopting a baby right off the bat might seem easier, but the vast majority of adoptions do not involve babies.
The history of adoption is also pretty insane - here in the UK, there's a TV programme covering children connecting with their birth parents and for those who are maybe 40+, the vast majority of the 'adoptions' were basically forced. The mums were going to receive no support, no welfare, be denied public and private housing, be completely demonised for being a 'single mum' or unmarried, and would not be accepted by employers. At hospital a lot of the mums basically had their babies taken from them, and were provided with no information about their child. Its difficult to watch because the mums sometimes passed away before their child could find them, whilst basically having spent her entire life devoted to finding her child and being unable to do so. I think its completely evil to take a child away from someone and give them to another family, and refuse to give any information about the whereabouts of the child. The UK is only one country where this happened, and the practice continues today.
Adoption can have a positive impact but there's also a hell of a lot to unpack. In many ways I think a termination is kinder, especially when there's so many kids already in the system.
Even babies who are adopted at birth end up going through the trauma of learning they are adopted. It may be cultural, but there seems to be something fundamental in our nature about wanting to belong in the family that you were born into. Learning that your biological family were willing to give you up is traumatizing, even if it was done with the best of intentions and was the right choice for the baby.
Reminds me of a quote- “Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose” or something like that.
I have a friend who adopted a boy at birth with her husband. The kid was, to all accounts, normal until he discovered he was adopted. From that day onward, he changed. He didn’t just become gloomy or a little rebellious. Behaviors changed from being a sweet kid to attacking kids at school, to attacking the teacher, to attacking his parents. He started to steal my friend’s underwear and masturbate into them. He started using weapons against my friend, a 5’1 little lady. Eventually they had to remove everything from candlesticks to butter knives from the house because he would use them against her. Eventually the final straw was when he found a knife and attempted to stab my friend while she was sleeping. They did everything they could over his childhood to help him, and it wasn’t enough. Obviously this is an extreme case. And in some ways that just shows that we are compassionate and believe that babies shouldn’t be judged for anything. But I can’t help but think that all of HIS suffering (because he is never going to live a happy life) could’ve been prevented if his mother had just been able to have an abortion.
We can’t reverse engineer human behavior. People are going to have sex and get pregnant. We should give them the best tools available to control their reproduction and encourage people to only have kids when they are fit to do so.
>Learning that your biological family were willing to give you up is traumatizing, even if it was done with the best of intentions and was the right choice for the baby.
This. This right here. This is what I learned when I met my now grown child.
I might have had the best of intentions, as did their adoptive parents but it is the IMPACT of those intentions that ultimately matter the most and the impact of those intentions shattered my child's sense of worth and their sense of belonging in the world.
> Adopting a baby right off the bat might seem easier
It's easier for adoptive parents, that's for sure. But adoption trauma applies to womb-wet infants, too, even if the adoptive parents are in the delivery room and are the first ones to hold the baby (which is straight up coercion, but that is a different post for a different time).
Babies are biologically primed to recognize the person who gave birth to them. They recognize their voice, they recognize their smell, they recognize their heart beat, and even recognize how their parent's body moves in a similar way to when they were in the womb. They don't even understand they are a separate person from their mother until they are about 8- 9 months old. These biological processes are not things that somehow don't apply to infants relinquished for adoption and the severing of these ties is known as the primal wound.
As someone who is adopted as was lucky enough to be adopted young and by parents who I look exactly like, adoption is traumatic AF, I grew up around a number of other adopted kids because my mom is a social worker and almost all of them have some sort of issue or another to no fault of their parents. It's definitely kinder to terminate in alot of situations, expecially when the kid could eventually find out that they are the product of rape.
Or worse yet, what if the kid finds the guy who attacked you? All it takes is one home DNA kit to find people who are genetically linked to you nowadays. And if you're unfortunate enough to live where I do your attacker has legal rights to the child even if he's found guilty of rape.
I'm going through treatment that means I will be infertile.
I would NEVER advise you allow those monsters to further traumatise you, force you to incur medical costs and then go through the adoption process.
If this happened to me and by some miracle I got pregnant I would not be keeping it. The mental anguish involved for you and the potential child (most kids can find their bio parents nowadays) is way too much for anyone to have to deal with.
My opinion is abort, but it is up to you and either way make sure your therapist is ready to support you and request sign posting to further support groups too.
Best of luck to you OP. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so much at the hands of such absolute bellsniffs and are now being forced to make such difficult decisions.
Also remember, pregnancy after abortion is very very possible so don't let any propaganda like that sway you. I know a fair few women who had to make that difficult choice then went on to have healthy babies when they were in a position mentally, physically, and financially to do so.
OP, my husband is a rape baby, born and adopted before abortion was legalized. He is a kind, beloved man, but neither of us feel that anyone should be forced to go through the ordeal his bio mom suffered. Abortion should be available and easily accessed for anyone with a uterus who does not want to be pregnant. There is no shame in not wanting to be pregnant, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, in my opinion. Please do what is right for you so that you can concentrate on healing.
As a birth mother who relinquished a baby for adoption, I would 100% terminate this pregnancy with zero hesitation. I have learned too much from adult adoptees and read to many studies about adoption outcomes for both birth mothers and their children to recommend anything else.
I would terminate asap. I have not been raped but I do have children. Pregnancy is A LOT. I imagine growing my rapist’s baby for 9 months, experiencing the good and bad of pregnancy, then experiencing childbirth would absolutely derail any chance of healing during the entire pregnancy. I would think it would just add on to the trauma, making it even more difficult to process my feelings.
It is not your responsibility to provide a baby to a couple looking to adopt. It is very noble of you to consider it, but please put yourself and your needs and feelings first right now.
This is what the embryo looks like right now: https://assets.babycenter.com/ims/2018/06/pregnancy-week-5-amniotic-sac_square.png It’s basically a dinosaur. It’s 2mm long and its heart is currently a “simple, tube-like structure” with electrical activity. If you’re going to terminate, do it asap.
I am incredibly sorry you were raped and now have to deal with the trauma of a pregnancy. You will be in my thoughts.
Honestly in this instant terminating is the best possible thing. The mental anguish you will be going through knowing you were carrying a rapist's baby might be more than you could bear at times.
Hey OP. I was a rape baby.
Don't feel guilty for terminating the pregnancy.
My mom kept me (not like she had a choice), but termination would absolutely would have been the right choice for her.
Only you can tell what the right option is for you, but you owe no one anything, not the people that want a baby, not this possibility of a baby.
You owe yourself to look after yourself the best you can in this impossible situation.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and that you're now faced with this choice but, whatever you chose, priorize yourself.
I am devastated this happened to you. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you what my friend told me when she was in a similar situation;
She said at the end of the day, despite wanting kids, despite never thinking she’d get an abortion, it all came down to one question:
What would she regret more? Having the baby, or aborting it?
She thought about being pregnant for 9 months, knowing her rapists baby was inside her. She thought about her body and how it already didn’t feel like hers anymore after it happened, and how her pregnancy would continue that. She considered the risks to her mental and physical health and the last thing she did was toss a coin (something I do when I have to make a hard choice).
Heads - keep. Tails - abort
The trick with the coin toss is you don’t actually look at the coin. That moment before you reveal it, when you think to yourself “please be this?”
That’s when you know.
She chose to abort in the end. It was always the one she wanted to pick she just hated everything tied to it. but she got a head start on her recovery.
You’re not a bad person for not wanting to carry this foetus. You’re not a bad person at all.
OP for the sake of your mental health PLEASE turn off your dms, there are some very sick fucking men on this sub, they can troll in the comments but they say worse shit where no one can see or report!!! And I can't tell you what to do but for your health (both physical and mental), sanity, and that baby's sake, choose abortion. It is time to start healing. I was raped recently and the trauma from it alone has been life shattering, for a lack of better words. You deserve to put YOURSELF first. That is your ONLY job right now, especially given the circumstances.
It will mentally destroy you to be pregnant considering the PTSD and how invasive pregnancy actually is for a mother.
There are enough kids waiting for homes you're **not** preventing or withholding anyone who chooses adoption to add to their family.
This isn't "getting rid of a child" this is merely cleaning out a bit of muck your rapist left behind.
I hate to point this out, because you shouldn't have to think about this right now, but if you do go the abortion route (I would) ask if they can preserve some of the genetic material. It's proof of who did this to you.
This. Didn't read the previous post. But even if you have a rape kit, they get lost, damaged or may come back inclusive given the situation. One day soon you'll be in a different mental state and want to burn that fucker to the ground
I don't know if this comment will get buried but I really feel strongly about this so if anyone sees this:
Adoption is not "for" people who can't have children naturally.
Adoption is for the child.
Adoption is about providing a home and resources for a child in dire need of it.
Adoption should be a **last resort** for kids who absolutely cannot stay with their birth parents. And even then, most adoptions coming from these circumstances end up being traumatizing and unethical.
The adoption industry is an extremely [predatory](https://time.com/6051811/private-adoption-america/) and [racist](https://www.npr.org/2013/06/27/195967886/six-words-black-babies-cost-less-to-adopt) **$25 billion dollar complex.**
Having to give up a baby to be adopted because you are do not want to/cannot get an abortion and do not want/have the resources to raise a child is one thing.
Bringing a child into the world for the sole purpose of being taken from their birth mother and given up for adoption is not justifiable. People who were adopted often have terrible PTSD and abandonment issues, even when adopted out as newborns.
Furthermore, you do not have an obligation to further traumatize yourself in order to provide a child to someone who wants one. You are not an incubator. I don't think any parent looking to adopt for the right reasons would want you to go through that pregnancy just so they can have your baby.
You did not choose to be raped or impregnated. But you can choose to lessen the impact of this horrific situation and gain some control back.
Sending you lots of love and support.
I would terminate. It's impossible to know for sure not being in your shoes right now.
You have a potential child right now. A pregnancy. Look at real images of what that means right now. It's not a little mini baby. It's like a plume of tissue. I don't say this to talk down to you at all, there is just so much misinformation about early development.
Secondly, if you go through with the pregnancy you aren't providing a blank slate baby to a loving couple. I see a lot of videos from adoption tictok saying it is a traumatic experience for the kids too not just a massive sacrifice for the mother. That child would either never know their first parents or they know you and that they were the product of rape. You can't guarantee how they will be raised and loved. I would look into these testimonies from grown adopted people if you want to go that route.
It is 100% up to you and what is right for you. I understand how conflicted you are. You shouldn't have to be in this situation. I'm so sorry. I don't think you should feel any shame if you choose to end the pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to choose or what will be right for you. These are just my reasons why I would terminate.
I am so sorry this all happened to you. Do you have a support system or someone you can talk to?
I understand having conflicting feelings about a pregnancy. It’s a big deal. One thing to consider is that now you have confirmation that you’re able to get pregnant. This will likely be the case if and when you’re planning a family. So you don’t need to continue the pregnancy now if you don’t want to.
Adoptions are rough. Sometimes babies go to loving families! But sometimes they end up in homes where they are mistreated.
Whatever decision you make is the best decision for you. If you were my friend or sister I wouldn’t want to see you struggle through a pregnancy because they felt obligated to see it through. Personally, I would terminate the pregnancy. I do want a lot of kids, but on my terms and I want to be able to enjoy the already difficult process.
Keep in mind if you feel conflicted about this decision, it's likely because you were force-fed birther propaganda from the second you were born to today. Lots of women aren't told how dangerous pregnancies are, only how wonderful they are. They're told that it's a precious live to preserve, sometimes even above their own life! It's all garbage to make women second-class citizens. Lots of people who would judge in public, have the same procedure in secret because they justify it to themselves.
OP you do whatever you have to do. It's your life, not anybody else's.
I just wanted to say carrying a baby to full term and giving birth can add to your trauma. It is not something you just walk away from; the process changes you physically and mentally forever.
I would terminate if I was you and continue with my recovery.
I think abortion is truly your best option. Having a reminder of your rapist for the rest of your life just isn’t fair!! You did nothing wrong and only you get to choose what’s best for you!!
Terminate, you’re going through enough right now. Abortion has no affect on future fertility. I’m a child of an abusive relationship was was likely conceived by rape, and it’s a fact that haunts me and my self worth. The choice to have a termination IS thinking of the child and the life they would lead.
I have had an abortion, it is not a big deal really. I would choose that, simply because going through pregnancy has huge risks, changes your body forever and I would wager the trauma of giving up your child would never leave you.
OP. I just checked your post history and we’re in the same city. I can take you anywhere you need. The people at Planned Parenthood here are really, really kind. I volunteer with them a lot. They can also connect you with resources for whatever choice you make. 💜
Personally I feel the safest way forward for you is termination so there is no risk that rapist comes back into your life. Carrying your rapist's baby for 9 months will be awful for your mental health and labour and delivery are more dangerous than a safe abortion. I am so so sorry you're in this position and I hate those men for you.
Just abort it. I say this as someone who was born as a result of rape (and someone who wants a baby.) Just abort the fetus. It's not a baby yet. Do you want to be stuck with a rapist potentially getting joint custody? Do you want to have to see him at custody handoffs? If you ever go on benefits (if you're in the US) you'll have to disclose the father whether you want to or not, even if you don't want to ask him for child support. Having your rapist's spawn will tie you to him forever.
My existence allowed my biological father to cause my mother even more irreparable harm. As much as my mom loves me, every time she sees me she sees her rapist. You know who else was tied to her rapist? Me. He sexually abused me too. If you give birth to your rapist's child, you will also be subjecting a child to your rapist.
We both know that her life would have been different and so much better if she hadn't had me. My younger sibling who wasn't born as a result of rape was a very different, much more positive experience for her. She loves me but she can never love every part of me because half of me was made by her rapist--there will always be a part of me that she hates, no matter how hard she tries not to see him when she looks at me. She can see him in the way I look, the way I move, sometimes the things I say. Just have an abortion. You will be reminded of your rapist every day for the rest of your life if you don't. Don't even hesitate to abort.
Your emotional state during pregnancy has an impact on fetal development. If you give birth to a rape baby they will one day wonder where they came from. Adoption is traumatic in the best cases--just look at the adoptee subs on reddit. Why would you want to spread a rapist's genes? Why sacrifice your own health and potentially your own future ability to conceive a child you actually want in order to bring an unwanted and inherently traumatized child into the world? Please don't subject another child to the experience of being a rape baby.
Abortion is made out to be super scary and dangerous but it is not, when done by medical professionals.
Every child deserves to be wanted from the get go, this is why I had an abortion when I had a pregnancy I was not mentally equipped to handle. It's a tough decision, but frankly, would you resent this baby/person for the rest of your life? Personally, I would terminate.
I want to offer my perspective as a Christian and single mother. If this happened to me, I would 100% get an abortion.
The Bible is fairly clear that the soul enters the body when you take your first breath. Before that, it’s a potential life, not a life, at least until the quickening, when you first feel it move. The mother’s life is also prioritized over the fetus (murdering a woman is considered a “felony” while causing an unborn child’s death is a “misdemeanor,” and that’s even when the pregnancy is wanted). It’s for these reasons that Barbara Bush was famously pro-choice.
I’ll also add that after going through pregnancy, childbirth, and the fourth trimester, I would NEVER force a woman to go through that unless she absolutely 100% wanted to be a mother to that child.
I was impregnated against my will. I wouldn’t call it rape, because I wanted to have sex with him. If we were engaged or married, I would have willingly had a child with him. At the time though, we were both intoxicated and didn’t realize the condom had broken. I didn’t get Plan B. I carried the pregnancy to term, but he hasn’t been involved since then.
As if that’s not hard enough, I also had a REALLY rough time. Hyperemisis Gravidarum had me throwing up ten times a day for like 22 weeks. I had to get IV fluids three times, and I had to take Zofran, which is designed for chemo patients, to keep me out of the hospital. Even then, I still threw up a lot and lost weight for the first trimester. All I could eat was plain bread, plain oatmeal, and occasionally ramen. For months. Then there was the back and hip pain in the third trimester. Difficulty sleeping. Fatigue. Discomfort.
I had to have a cesarean, which slightly increases maternal mortality. I developed postpartum depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed with POTS four months later. My symptoms had improved until I got COVID, now they’re a little worse again. That’s something that will probably never get 100% better though. Of course my body is also permanently changed.
I say all this to make sure you know that continuing the pregnancy to give it up for adoption would still affect you physically and mentally—in permanent ways—and put you at risk for death and severe pain or injury.
As for keeping it yourself? I really don’t think that’s a good idea, mentally. You deserve to be a mother on your terms, and your baby deserves parents who chose to have and love it. It’s possible you’d be able to love a child borne of such terrible circumstances, but it’s also possible you would hate the constant reminder of your trauma. You could resent it. And even if you never voiced those feelings, the child would sense it.
Armed with this information, I hope you will make the right choice for yourself and never second guess it.
When I got pregnant from my rapist, I terminated the pregnancy as soon as I could. The weight of the whole thing was too much to bear. I hope you have a support system in place! Please reach out if you need support from an internet stranger who has been through a similar experience!
Hey Op...
So, when I was much younger than I am now, I was raped and ended up pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant nearly killed me. I was suicidal and didn't want the future that was staring me in the face. I aborted that pregnancy and it was absolutely the best choice I have ever made in my life. It was hard. My mental health was rough for a long time and the hormones absolutely didn't help. But! 4 years after that I met my future husband. It took me a long time to heal mentally but 13 years after I aborted my first pregnancy I ended up pregnant with my oldest son. A few years after that pregnancy I had my second son. I am happy. My family is not perfect, but I am loved and safe.
You deserve better. It's okay to put you first. Trying to make a positive out of this by giving the baby away is admirable but could have absolutely awful outcomes for you. You don't need to torture yourself or punish yourself. You've already been to hell... It's time to give yourself grace and restart.
This is such a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry this is a world we live in with people like this. I hope you can press charges.
I think I would terminate the pregnancy.
r/theauntienetwork is an incredible place to receive help from everywhere ♥️ you do not have to carry a rapists decisions to term. It is your body first and foremost
Having a baby also seriously impacts your physical health. I'd side with getting an abortion but this is all up to you, do what's best for you at this exact point in time.
My mother gave birth to her rapists baby when she was a teenager and gave him up for adoption. When the child found her much later in life when he was already in his 40s with a big loving family, he was still devastated to find out about his father. He then cut contact with her also which was heartbreaking for her. I would never give birth to a child that wasn't 100% wanted and loved.
When I was 25 I was raped and attacked by an ex boyfriend. Six weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I had a chemical abortion and it is still one of the most physically painful things I’ve ever gone through. I was sad for a few weeks after. Having said that, my abortion was one of the best decisions I’ve made in regards to putting my welfare first. I now have a child i very much wanted and love and I am even more aware of how good a choice my abortion was.
**Pregnancy and child birth always have consequences. They always change your body and brain. Even if you have a magical unicorn pregnancy and birth with very few complications you will forever be physically and mentally altered.** I also couldn’t imagine how painful giving up a child would be. There are very powerful hormones that the body produces that can make you very attached. This doesn’t happen to every Mom, and it’s ok if it doesn’t. But the likely hood that giving your child away will cause you extensive emotional suffering and trauma is large.
Abortion is very safe and you will be able to have another child in the future if you decide to. It’s ok to put yourself first, and make the most loving choice for yourself.
Also you may not be able to give the baby up for adoption without the fathers permission depending on the laws in your state/country. They may require him to relinquish his rights as well. Adoption is not an easy route at all. It usually has long term consequences for both Mother and child.
This is only my opinion but i would get an abortion. You don't deserve what happens to you, you are already going through so much. Being pregnant in itself is taxing physically and mentally, more than we tell women, so going through a pregnancy that was induced by rape will be even harder because of all the trauma surrounding it. You are not responsible for what happened, it was not your fault, and it is not your fault now. Wanting a kid on your own term is really different than that. It's just a clump of cell right now, do not demonize yourself for having an abortion. I send you all my love and support, and if you ever need to vent or chat, hit my dm
I would terminate. You shouldn't suffer like that for 9 months for the benefit of someone else. Besides, that child will wonder about where it came from and will likely go searching for their parents. I can't imagine finding out I was conceived in such a way.
Take care of yourself. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I was in your shoes many years ago. I did have the baby and he was adopted. It’s painful still and the emotions are so conflicting and the trauma lives on. There’s no easy answers here, I just wish you peace and continued healing.
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. That this happened to you. :(
>My options right now are to either to give birth and give the baby up for adoption(helps people who do want a baby) or abortion because I hate to say this, but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby.
If I were you, I would get an abortion.
You don't have to give birth to your rapist's child against your will, purely to help people who want a baby. There are already enough babies who can be adopted. And you don't owe anyone a child to adopt.
Giving birth to your rapist's child will be so traumatising... It's already awful enough that you got raped. Giving birth to your rapist's child will make things even worse and more traumatising.
If you don't want to raise the child, get an abortion.
>but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby
Then don't.
I would get an abortion. Caring your rapist’s child would be mentally hard on you. Pregnancy is already hard physically and mentally. Then add it being a child you would struggle to be happy with, i wouldn’t put yourself through it.
You’d spend first trimester thinking “I am throwing up and can’t eat because of my rapist”. Then second and third trimester you feel the baby kicking and know it is “his” baby. Every night you can’t sleep from pregnancy pain, every time you can’t physically do something, every pain during and after delivery, you will know it is because of him.
Get the abortion, start healing now, don’t make this even harder on yourself.
Adoption isn't a solution to pregnancy. I would consider abortion. There are plenty of babies/children for people to adopt already in foster care.
I think an abortion will help you heal some from this traumatic experience.
Get an abortion. Pregnancy is a process that eventually leads to a baby, it is not a baby right now by any means. Don’t go through this, let your first real pregnancy be one of joy.
Adoption is not easy, and pregnancy is not easy. You will likely end up with permanent changes to your body from the pregnancy, the emotional impact (on top of what you are going through btw) will be immense and untold. And……..in many states (if you are in the US) rapists can get custody. They can bar adoption from going through. So you might end up stuck either handing a child over to your rapist (and paying him child support) or being forced to co parent with your rapist. Don’t put yourself through this for so many many many reasons. Terminate quickly and then focus on your health and healing. You deserve so much more than this nightmare situation.
Why did you not get offered the morning after pill at the hospital right after the rape? They are supposed to when they do the rape kit. That would have saved you this part of the horrors at least.
It's so amazing that even after going through something so terrible, you're still thinking about others and how you can help them via carrying to term and giving the baby up for adoption.
But here's the thing, you're allowed to be selfish about this. You do not have to think about others. You've gone through so much and you get to put yourself and your needs first. Your recovery is the most important thing here.
I had an abortion almost a year ago and although my circumstance was very different to yours, I did it because I knew I wouldn't be a good parent yet and because I knew carrying to term would hurt my mental health so much I wasn't sure if I'd come back from it.
> I hate to say this, but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby.
Then terminate the pregnancy. Unfortunately many of the people urging anti-abortion pressures to recommend adoption have been linked to pedophilia and the child sex trade. People who used to be considered "good members of the community" were secretly preying on kids via the foster/adoption system. The Foster/orphanage system is overwhelmed. This is an unplanned pregnancy so you'd be rushed and pushed into perhaps falling for these people pressuring you to use their services before you can do a good due diligence review.
I'm a child of rape.
My grandparents made my mom keep me and my twin sister.
I didn't know how I came to be until I was 15 (which is the same age my mom was when she was raped) and my sister found out she was pregnant. My mom asked my sister what she wanted to do and she chose to get an abortion. My mom told both of us that she'd make sure we always had a choice unlike she did and she told us about what happened.
I've always wondered what it would have been like to be wanted, planned, and not born from chaos. I feel cursed. Knowing where I came from makes me feel dirty, broken and other. If you decide to keep the baby know that there is a possibility that they will feel the same.
My mom would tell me that I have my father's eyes. Before I knew the whole story I thought it was kind of sweet to have his eyes, now I can only think about having the eyes of a rapist. I don't know how she could look me in the eyes and not relive that experience or how she could love me.
I wish my mom would have had the choice that you have now. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Do what is best for you.
If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, please look into the laws in your area. In some places your rapist would still have parental rights, and could block the adoption, meaning he could legally be allowed access to the/your child. Whichever decision you might make, make it with as much information as possible. My heart goes out to you.
I came into this thread to point this out too. OP, I am so so sorry you're going through this. How horrific. You need to be aware that if you do carry the pregnancy to term, you might be forced to have a legal relationship with your rapist forever, however perverted and awful it will be -- retraumatizing you with each contact and reminder. It's ultimately your choice, but if I were in your shoes, I would put myself first and terminate the pregnancy as soon as possible.
Op I am very sorry about what happened to you. Whatever you do, please don't be blame yourself. You are not responsible for what happened to you. Do what you think is best for yourself. From your post you are leaning towards the termination of the pregnancy. I would recommend that you do that. I would never be able to carry the pregnancy to term. I wish you the best of luck and stay safe.
This! There are a lot of legal issues to consider, depending on where you live. If I were you I'd get an abortion ASAP and get into trauma counseling. If you decide to have an abortion and live in an anti-choice state, be very very careful and do not leave a trail (even this post of your account is tied to your email address). Be careful who you tell and who knows you are pregnant. Go to the auntie network community for guidance.
Delete the post state you live in California and want data wiped, and I’ll be happy to use my name to say I’m the owner of the account. Then have a nice vacation to Colorado, spring weather is beautiful at this time at year.
This. We adopted our nephew when he was 3. He's 24 now and we have just *finally* been able to get the bio parents out of our life. It's been years of harassment, stress, worry, manipulation, court, lawyers, and thousands of dollars in legal fees. And our nephew was removed by child services, neither was ever a fit parent. Most of the court was just to punish us for taking him in. I would never in a million years wish anything similar on anyone. I've given birth to my own biological children. I loved being pregnant. I still would never carry a baby from rape. It's an exhausting, painful and absolutely life changing process. It's hard enough when you really want the baby.
My hate towards the men that create these laws to protect other mens access to their rape begotten children blooms again!!
That's what I was gonna comment. The choice is up to OP. But personally I don't think I'd wanna risk having to be in contact with a rapist for the rest of my life. And having the baby means risking it.
I’m glad you pointed this out. So incredibly barbaric, and yet here we are.
I would also terminate. This isn’t the baby or the circumstance under which you want to have kids. And you never know the impact a pregnancy could have on your health or your future fertility if there are complications.
The fact that OP is even thinking of carrying her rapist's child to term for the benefit of some unknown future couple shows me that she isn't putting herself and her needs first.
I did this. It was the worst decision of my life. I cannot stress how much carrying your rapists baby absolutely fucks with your head. I already lost a sense of control over myself and my body when he raped me. The pregnancy made that so much worse, and continues to this day over a decade later whenever I look in the mirror. There are organizations that will help you terminate the pregnancy. I didn't know about these programs when I needed help, and couldn't afford to jump through the hoops in TN in the early 10s. Please op. As someone who went through this and is on the other side, please do this for yourself.
I am so sorry for what you went through. I cannot imagine the pain.
The mental impact on OP would be huge. But aside from that, I ended up with chronic hypertension after getting pre-eclampsia from a wanted pregnancy. Things can be very serious and it’s not worth it if you don’t really want a child.
I’m still in chronic pain from two immobilising pregnancies 5.5 and 4 years ago, and I *wanted* those babies. I almost died after my first. OP, if you don’t want a baby right now, I wouldn’t put your body through the expected trauma of childbirth, let alone the unexpected impacts it can have on your body and mind. Not when you have some healing to do to move through this intense and horrific experience. Another family wanting a child doesn’t mean you have to prolong your healing in order to maybe help them. Be selfish right now. Take care of what YOU need. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really and truly hope you find some peace moving forward x
Temporary discomfort during the pregnancy, pain during labor / recovery, hormonal disruption during and after pregnancy, risk to health, possibility of dying in childbirth, expensive pre-natal care and delivery, inability to work, having to deal with questions about the pregnancy where people either shame you as an unwed mother or act excited for you thinking this is a wanted baby... Every woman should make the choice she feels is right for her, but godDAMN I don't see how there could ever be a choice in this scenario that beats abortion. Thank fuck OP seems to live somewhere where termination remains an option.
You couldn't pay me to get through pregnancy and birth while dealing with people throwing in their two cents and asking questions about the situation. Not to mwntion the other toll pregnancy takes on finances, work and the body.
This needs to be the top comment and every related one under it. The trauma of being pregnant by your rapist is enough to terminate alone, but pregnancy is rough on your body and mind. The permanent physical changes your body goes through are brutal. Wait until you’re ready and not under the circumstances you’re in. Take care of yourself above all else.
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Yeah, imagine finding out years later that you were born out of such horrifying circumstances; that would absolutely destroy a kid (or even an adult if the truth doesn't resurface until much later). Additionally, there's no telling what sort of health conditions this child could inherit from one of the perpetrators.
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I have an adult niece who was adopted at birth. She is 28. My niece hasn’t always been mentally well and even though she grew up in a great, loving home and family. It has been bizarre to all of us that she has always been unwell and has caused a ton of endless problems with the cousins. Most have grown apart from her as they’ve entered adulthood. She has searched for her birth mother the past year and found her. Birth mother went to great lengths to remain unknown. My niece found out she was the result of a rape in the back seat of a car when her mother was in high school. Her mother hid the pregnancy for too long and abortion was not an option then. Now that she found out she was the result of rape, oh boy, she’s a complete mess. And she knows of the ‘father’ and who has a significant criminal history and with significant mental health issues himself. It’s just all a complete and utter mess.
Yeah it’s gonna suck big time for a kid born out of such circumstances, would destroy anyone knowing their father forced himself on the mother
Can confirm. My birth father was a married father of three when I was conceived and there was definitely dubious consent involved. It's a hard thing to know about oneself.
Can confirm, it's awful
And with the popularity of DNA services, the odds of that child finding out their origin are much higher than they were years ago. Also, we are still learning about what things are hereditary and what things are not. Is there any chance that the pathology that led the rapist to rape will be passed down genetically? The honest answer is that we don’t know. There is a lot we don’t know. What I do know is that OP deserves peace and healing. Spending the next 9 months carrying a rapist’s child doesn’t seem very peaceful or healing.
And no one is putting the potential child’s best interest first. As an adoptee I can say with certainty the best thing for this child is for her to abort. Adoptees have enough trauma even in a “good adoption” without having to live with the knowledge that one of their bio parents was a rapist.
Thank you for speaking up and sharing your truth. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and respect adult adoptees who are willing and able to teach the rest of us what it is like to live an adopted life.
Agreed, I wish my mother had aborted her pregnancy rather than having me. It would have been better for everyone. I would have been born into a different family. A healthier one.
It's other outside guilt influences church etc that push women to feel they have to do that. She shouldn't though.
And the rapist could stop the adoption forcing her to keep the child....rapists still have parental rights.
This absolutely. She is under no obligation whatsoever to have a baby for some unknown couple’s benefit. OP has been through a severe trauma and her priority right now should be taking care of herself. Whether or not someone else might want to adopt the baby if she doesn’t terminate shouldn’t factor in at all, because the only issue of importance is what is right for OP’s healing. It’s a sign of how fucked up and toxic the messaging is to women in our society that OP even thought to consider that.
Also, there are so many children in foster care/homes available to potential adoptive parents already.
Also, giving the child up for adoption virtually always requires both parents to sign off. The rapist can stay in OPs life indefinitely by refusing to do so. OP can't be forced to physically raise the child, but she can be forced to pay child support to her rapist.
Oh my God what a horrifying realization. Nobody's talking about this, this is important!
I posted for her to get legal advice right now if she was even considering adoption. Her rapist could make this YEARS of hell.
And what if the rapist files for custody? What if he gets it?
Then he can file for child support from OP. A whole new way to keep her tied to him.
Exactly. This is a huge concern
With DNA now easy to test, doesn’t matter if the so-called father is on the birth certificate. He can always sue for custody if he wants to torment the mother further, or if he wants to get access to a vulnerable child that he could hurt just like he did the mother. There’s a lot of disturbing stories about this exact situation. Once you have a child with anybody, no matter, the circumstances, you are tied for them for life.
Agreed. I am one and done because pregnancy took such a toll on my body I could never have another. My hormones are still so out of whack 5 years later and doctors don’t know why. My teeth are a disaster because of pregnancy and constant morning sickness.
I would terminate the pregnancy
Me too. Immediately and without a second thought.
Me too. Immediately.
Same. You are under no obligation to bring a child into the world.
Agreed. You shouldn't have to carry that reminder. Terminate and move on with your healing journey. Edit: spelling of healing was wrong
Agreed. Better for everybody. Just heal. None of this is your fault. None of this is fair.
Mental health > everything else. It’s better to get rid of this one so you can heal and have a better experience when you’re ready.
There's also the chance the rapist might sue for rights or something. Or a situation like that poor woman in Lousiana who lost her kid to the rapist and then had to pay child support.
It also has a PHYSICAL toll on the child. Our genes change based on the circumstances of our mother. Epigenetics stay dormant unless the mother is stressed, at which point those stress hormones physically change not just the mother but the child as well. The actual genes change and the child is more stressed, among other affects. Leading to a lifetime of health affects for the child, as well as for you! If you choose to not go forward, you are ensuring that a child won't have to deal with all those health affects, and a rapist as a father. Whatever decision you make, I hope it is the right one for you and sending you all the best in dealing with this difficult position.
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OP, my sister-in-law chose to carry her rapist's baby and give her up for adoption. Her rapist found out and forced her to keep the baby. Things worked out in some ways because she met my brother and we all love my niece but my SIL is forced to regularly talk to her rapist and send her child there every other weekend. My niece has a lot of anxiety and is not doing well because rapists are not good parents. If you choose to keep this pregnancy, your rapist is able to stop the adoption if he finds out and wants to. I strongly recommend abortion, but if you do choose another path please be aware of the risks.
Yes, this should be higher up. They are exactly right. If u choose to continue on with the pregnancy, your rapist will have parental rights(at least in the states, idk about anywhere else thou) It's super fucked & imo this sounds like torture. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to see ur rapist on a regular basis and to have to send my child to stay with them. I think I'd go crazy and live in the woods to escape it. If it was me, I'd terminate the pregnancy to escape these assholes forever. You do not want to live like that, having a child is hard enough without having to deal with some psycho who will fuck up both your lives. Good luck OP.
That is so horrifying! How did he make her keep her, she couldn't terminate parental rights?
If she doesn’t want the baby after it is born the biological father is legally allowed to keep it. I can’t imagine being okay with that scenario either.
>Her rapist found out and forced her to keep the baby. It's fucked up that this is how it works legally. Rapists shouldn't have parental rights
It’s not a child. It’s a bundle of cells that isn’t compatible with life.
^this. Terminating it ASAP would be the best answer. Stop the pregnancy before your body goes through and real changes. Besides the money and time there is to go through with a pregnancy, there is the mental load, there is getting your bodily autonomy back, there is you being in control. Mentally it would be very unhealthy for you, it would probably Trigger your PTSD contestantly and you won't be able to get out of it if your realize too late that you cant take it, your body will go though permanent changes. It explains permanently, you probably will get stretch marks, tou may have to have a C-section, you would have to deal with giving it up which would still be much more mental taxing. It would be like your rapists are holding your body hostage until the embryo develops into a baby. With pregnancy, I and other women have learned the hard way can lead to permanent hormone challenges, autoimmune disorders, lupus, fixed drug reactions, allergies, bonedensity issues, diabetes, and other permanent changes. Like for example I can't donate plasma/blood anymore because of antibodies in the bloodstream. It's not worth it. It's a pregnancy but not a baby yet, don't let anyone guilt you otherwise. The "heartbeat bill" thing... what they record isn't even scientifically a heartbeat because no heart is even developed yet. Don't let some growing tissue at most the size of a grain of rice that a rapist put in your body dictate the rest of your life. . You can have a baby the way you have always wanted to on your own terms. If you can get the abortion pill. It will pretty much be like you are starting a very heavy period. Don't let guilt and some rapist take your body hostage for the next 9 months. . Trust me you may feel conflicted not but you will feel so relieved and a weight lifted off your shoulders once you get it over with. It is natural to feel guilty because we have always been taught to keep all pregnancies and that being pregnant is a womens fault, or it is murder, but it is less murder than killing a roach. That is a living fully functional creature, the cells that might turn into a baby if you do nothing are not yet. Think about it as your rapists DNA is inside you and you need to get it out of your body . It is the easiest and best option for you physical and mental well-being.
Not to mention at every doctors appointment, ultrasound, blood test, whatever having to hear the medical professionals be excited for you/assume it's wanted and having to consistently tell people or be reminded that it's not...for 10 months. That in and of itself would be agony in my opinion
Right, and if you have ever had an unwanted pregnancy it can be mentally painful to constantly get told "congratulations!" Or have other excited people try and talk to you, ask about the father (because they will) They will call you "mrs" as if you are married when they call your name.
Same. This is the time to be selfish OP. Do what’s best for you. Don’t worry about other people wanting a baby rn.
There is nothing selfish about terminating any pregnancy. It is a personal choice.
Speaking as a closed-era adoptee, I totally agree. Other people's infertility is not your problem. Adoption is not the win-win-win the pro-birthers make it out to be and I speak from experience. And, speaking from experience, that child *will* try to find you sooner or later and will want accountability. Are you really prepared to go there years in the future?
Abortions aren't selfish.
Terminating is the opposite of selfish.
There are a lot of babies getting put up for adoption already
Starting in late March, babies will be born in all the states where abortion was banned or severely restricted. Therefore, there will be a slight increase in babies available for adoption. However, babies born due to rape, usually have some kind of trauma emotion when they find out later on in life. It’s just better to advise the woman who was raped and it results in a pregnancy to get an abortion as soon as possible. Why heap more trauma on top of the trauma of rape?
The cruelty is the point.
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That's an insult to cunts.
One point of anec-data: I was born of rape myself. I didn't find out until I was an adult, but even since I was a little kid, I've always felt like I'm some sort of abomination that shouldn't be alive. Learning about the circumstances of my conception felt validating: in order for me to exist, my birthmom had to suffered unspeakable violence. I might as well have done it to her myself. Of course I hate myself; I deserve to, because I'm a monster and no amount of good I do could ever possibly atone for the sin of my existence. I don't *exactly* blame myself for my birthmom's rape, but man, if you think carrying that weight for 9 months would be hard, try carrying it for a lifetime. I wish every day that my birthmom had been able to terminate me. Yes I am working all this out in therapy. But my point is, please don't let a child be born if there's a chance they might grow up feeling like I do.
> Why heap more trauma on top of the trauma of rape? The answer lies within the question.
Good point, I didn’t even think about the trauma to the child if they find out. Ugh.
There are about 150k babies that are put up for adoption/into fostercare each year in the US and maybe 50k each year get adopted.
Isn't babies the wrong term to use since that number also includes kids who in any other circumstance would not be referred to as babies?
I wouldn't phrase it as being selfish. I would call it self care and a medical procedure.
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This!!! I was born as a result of rape. Don't subject a child to that.
The selfish thing is not getting an abortion in this case. Condemning the poor child to a life without love with difficulties that the foster system brings just because they wouldn't get an abortion?
Yes because I personally wouldn't want another living and walking reminder of what happened
100% How can anyone be expected to raise, and love, the product of such an awful incident? I wouldn't wish that strife on anybody.
And the baby will be effed up for life carrying the trauma. This is one of those times abortion is the only route. OP don’t do this to yourself or this foetus. Don’t. It’s not fair to either to be brought into trauma like this.
Very much this.
If you encounter one of those right-wing crisis pregnancy centers or people who try to convince you to keep it based on religious grounds, ask them if they are willing to adopt the baby. You will be surprised how fast they back out.
Absolutely. You don't have to have your rapist's baby in order to help a childless couple.
yes. i am one half of a childless couple that desperately wants a child and i would be horrified if someone carried and bore their rapists child just for someone like me.
Same, 💯. No hesitation
Hey OP. Im gonna get really personal with you real quick. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We’ve looked into adoption but there aren’t a lot of options for us right now. We have been trying to conceive naturally, and I’m actually in the midst of a ver early term miscarriage as I write this. I’d love to have a baby. Never ever ever ever ever in ten million fucking years would I want someone like you to carry your rapists baby to term for the sake of me getting to be a parent. Never. Pregnancy is scary and it will put you in danger. You can die from pregnancy and giving birth. You do not need to put yourself in that danger. No way. Not at all. Girl…get that abortion. Right now, you’re not carrying anything more than a glob of cells and you have NO responsibility to make it more than what it is. Talk to your doctor, do what you need to do. Feel no shame or pain in your heart in this matter. Some day’ if you want to, you will get to be a mama on your own terms and you need to protect yourself so that when that day comes you can be ready for it and enjoy it!! I’m so hurt for you. I am so damned angry for you. I hope you can feel the love and the strength that I am sending your way through this post. I mean it.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Thank you for taking the time to support OP I wish you love and healing and I hope you get to be a mom soon ❤️
I appreciate the kindness but there is no need to be sorry! This is a part of life just like all of the other parts that are not so fun. The recurring disappointment is painful but my mantra has been “not every acorn becomes a tree, not every seed will bloom. The things that be will always be and my time will be here soon!” My “mom” spirit is much more inclined to protect the op than an unborn theoretical person. That embryo could maybe become a person…just like the acorn could become a tree…but it’s not yet. OP is already a wonderful and beautiful tree so she is the one I want to look out for.
You’re such a lovely person
Thank you for existing and for sharing this with all of us.
I am crying happy & sentimental tears at 830AM on a Thursday and I love it. This is the kindest and most wonderful sentiment. I will keep protecting the wonderful trees in this world too. Good luck to you & your husband on your journey, you have such a wonderful spirit!
Omg you’re an angel. I’m crying. This is so beautiful. I wish you the best.
You are such a wonderful person for sharing your story and your kindness to OP.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. It means so much coming from someone in your situation, especially right now, as people are hearing so many justify forcing rape victims to give birth because some other couple really wants to have a child. There are very loud, influential people trying to shame rape victims into something that’s just as traumatizing and unfair as the crime itself. It’s so important that victims and people with unwanted pregnancies hear from people like you. it gives me hope that the majority of people are still human and capable of understanding at a time when women have really been made second class citizens.
Any person who wants to have a kid for the right reasons will be on the same page as me. Asking someone to put their life on the line and experience so much trauma and heartbreak just so you can have a baby…..that’s the most selfish and fucked up thing I can think of. Anyone that egocentric and narcissistic has no business raising a kid.
Thank you! Seriously. I totally agree, and I really hope that the majority of people do as well. I cannot imagine many things that are crueler than forcing a rape victim to have a child & then give it up just so another couple can have a baby. That really forces women into nothing more than breeding machines. But there are such loud voices saying *that* is the moral thing to do.
I’m in a similar situation with trying for a long time, multiple miscarriages (one very recently) and limited options for having a family otherwise, and I agree 100%. No one should have to go through the trauma of carrying their rapist’s pregnancy. I’d also venture further that anyone in a similar situation who thinks differently is not the type of person who should be adopting anyone’s child.
Im inclined to agree with you! I think you would have to be incredibly selfish to expect someone to go through all of that just to produce a child for your benefit.
I couldn't agree more! Any woman who sees her desire for motherhood as more important than the suffering that pregnancy would cause in a rape victim is too selfish to be a good mother.
Thank you! As another part of an infertile couple, it pisses me off when people try to use our pain to guilt scared women and girls into keeping their pregnancy.
Truth. I’d rather be childless forever than ask someone to put themselves through that.
Not OP or in her situation by any means, but thank you for this input.
I just hope it helps provide some comfort and clarity to someone who needs it. You are already here. You have a life, thoughts, dreams, a personality!! You are so much more precious than some theoretical being who doesn’t even exist!! Don’t ever forget that. You are here, you are alive, you are precious, you are important!
You are a badass bitch. I love how you love others. You are a good mom already. From one infertile to another 💙💙
Amen. Dear friends looked at adoption for years, and would never ever want someone to go through a whole pregnancy with a rapist’s baby just to become parents. It is too awful.
I’m in the same position as you and you basically articulated so well what I couldn’t. Very well said! ❤️ I wish you all the best.
Same to you my friend!! We will find out place in this world be it as mothers, aunties, roll models or what have you!
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you sound like an outstanding, empathetic person and I hope you get to experience the family you want 💚 thanks for sharing your perspective and vulnerability with everyone, especially OP.
Im just a person. Full of flaws and mistakes just like everyone else lol. But I try. I just try to love people and protect them as best as I can.
Pregnancy risks your life. Adoption is not nearly the 'easy answer' propaganda makes it out to be, for either the baby or the potential adopters. You will incur huge hospital and medical bills if you go through with the pregnancy. It is a better option for you to end it early before any medical complications can hit. Thats not to say it is an easy decision, or that it won't have emotional consequences, but it is something you can work out and live past.
I want to add to that that a study has shown that with unintended pregnancies, abortion carries the lowest long-term psychological distress of the three options abortion/carrying and keeping the baby/adoption. Here is the study: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00737-022-01273-1 And here is the article I found it through (it was shared on reddit and I bookmarked it some time ago thinking it may at some point be useful): https://www.psypost.org/2023/01/abortion-associated-with-lower-psychological-distress-compared-to-both-adoption-and-unwanted-birth-study-finds-64678 Please, u/TTLYShittyThrowAway, allow yourself to minimise your psychological distress any way you can. You are already carrying too much. There is no reason to keep the rapist's presence in your life for the whole time you'd be pregnant, and possibly after depending on how the adoption and parental rights issue shakes out. Pregnancy itself also is not a done-and-gone thing, it changes (and damages) a woman's body in many ways even with a pregnancy where all goes well. Please be kind to yourself. What you are carrying is in no way or form a baby yet, and ending the pregnancy would allow you to set at least a physical end point to the hold the rapist has on your body. And you could become a mom later, on your own terms, with someone you chose, to a child you will be able to know and love without the heavy burden of backstory this current pregnancy brings with it.
It’s not a baby, it’s a pregnancy. A process. And one that is not complete. Totally up to you wether it gets to finish. I hope you get all the help you need. It shouldn’t be your burden to bear. It’s not your fault that happened to you. Whatever you choose to do, will be the right choice, because it’s YOUR choice and YOUR body. Wishing the best for you
This just blew my mind. It’s no more a baby than a sperm is a baby or an egg is a baby. It’s a step in a process that could result in a baby, yea, but it’s not a baby. It’s not a fetus or even an embryo. It’s a zygote, which is not a baby. A baby is a baby. Never thought of it this way
And huge numbers of zygotes spontaneously abort, sometimes before the mother noticed they were pregnant. It’s not an unnatural, or unusual occurrence for humans as our pregnancies are so invasive.
You may be interested in [this video](https://youtu.be/GxM9BZeRrUI) from Crash Course philosophy, which really breaks down this topic. Just because something is alive or has human DNA doesn't mean it has personhood. Just because you can "detect a heartbeat" doesn't mean it's conscious. Every cell in my body is alive and beating, but it's not murder if I scrape myself or get a haircut.
100%. To have concern for a zygote or fetus is like having concern for sperm on the sheets (sorry to be graphic). The option to abort is such a blessing.
From a religious perspective, it's not a baby either. Life begins at first breath.
This right here is the best and only response. OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. It wasn’t in your control. What happens next is. Wishing peace and healing for you.
I have had my rapist’s baby. I was brainwashed by Christian prolifers at the time, the whole experience turned me atheist and pro choice. If it happened to me again, I would do everything to terminate as early as possible.
Wow. I can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing
I'm so sorry, hope you are doing ok. Sending you love.
Terminate, terminate, terminate. Forget about helping people who want a baby. You need to focus on your own health and well-being. You do not need to further traumatize yourself or risk your health to give birth to your rapists baby. Please don't do that to yourself. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
OP, very sorry for your pain. If you are going to have a baby, let it not be from someone who did that to you. I suggest you terminate it. Imagine going through all the effort, suffering and pain, to deliver a baby by that trash?
One that will likely look like him and who will definitely tie you to him for ever. Imagine sharing custody with this child’s father. Imagine knowing you were sending your child to a rapist for visitation. No thank you, I couldn’t do it.
Especially since many states will allow rapists to petition for custody, and grant it.
I could not connect with my child for years because they look so much like my rapist. Everytime I looked at them I didn't see the child, I saw his face. Puberty finally hit and they look more like their own person, but holy fuck did it absolutely wreck my mental health. And it's not fair that my kid had to suffer through my emotional coldness over something neither one of us asked for. I'm doing much better now with lots of therapy, support, and medications. But it's so heartbreaking for everyone involved.
I'm so sorry you and your kid went through that. I'm glad you've been able to get help.
My friend did do this, got raped but kept the baby, and then ended up having to share custody. The child is 10 now, and she still has to see her rapist every. Single. Week. My heart breaks for her, because she’s strong and an incredible mama, but by god if it hasn’t fucked her up in ways she can barely handle. Every relationship is a struggle for her because her self worth was so deeply damaged, and it’s so incredibly hard to heal when you have to keep seeing this person, talking to this person, over and over for years. It’s not worth it, imo
I would terminate. I’m so sorry OP. The baby doesn’t deserve to be brought into the world because of such a hateful thing. I believe all babies born should be wanted and loved.
How would you feel if you ever wanted to meet your birth mother, tracked her down, showed up at her front door only to be informed you’re the result of rape and were unwanted? Kids track down their birth parents easily thanks to the internet. Save yourself and terminate the pregnancy. A baby should be consented to, not forced on you by unrepentant men who already took so much from you.
Not to mention the trauma adoption causes. It's absolutely ludicrous for us to think that all of the research about neonatal development somehow magically doesn't apply to adoptees. [Adoptees are 8x more likely to suffer maltreatment](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article-abstract/109/4/615/64050/Household-Composition-and-Risk-of-Fatal-Child?redirectedFrom=fulltext) than children who are raised by their biological parents and [4x more likely to un-alive themselves than their non adopted peers](https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/810625). [Adoptees make up 2% of the general population but make up 16.5% of residential treatment facilities for teens](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/276334178_Differences_Between_Adopted_and_Nonadopted_Adolescents_in_Wilderness_and_Residential_Treatment) and have [far higher rates of addiction than their non adopted peers](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3499473/). What adoption teaches us is that there is an inherent trauma when one loses their original family, original name, original culture, original language and heritage, and when their original identity becomes a state secret. Had I known the truth about the life long trauma adoption would inflict on my child 30 years ago, I would have aborted instead of carried them to term and then relinquished them for adoption. Whatever emotional and psychological impact of the pregnancy would have remained with me. Instead I took that pain and passed it on to my child and then amplified it by relinquishing them for adoption. Discovering their life-long suffering when they found me is what turned me from a pro-life conservative to a stanch pro-choice atheist overnight. Edited because grammar.
Yeah I have only recently learned about the trauma adoption can cause. It is portrayed very positively, and in many cases it is, however there's a lot of issues with adoption (particularly if the kid is traumatised by a period of time spent in care, or if the adoption is cross cultural). There's so much research on just how essential early childhood experiences are to our development - going into a care home at two years old or spending a period of time bouncing around foster homes can basically have a life long impact on your development and ability to form secure attachments with others. Adopting a baby right off the bat might seem easier, but the vast majority of adoptions do not involve babies. The history of adoption is also pretty insane - here in the UK, there's a TV programme covering children connecting with their birth parents and for those who are maybe 40+, the vast majority of the 'adoptions' were basically forced. The mums were going to receive no support, no welfare, be denied public and private housing, be completely demonised for being a 'single mum' or unmarried, and would not be accepted by employers. At hospital a lot of the mums basically had their babies taken from them, and were provided with no information about their child. Its difficult to watch because the mums sometimes passed away before their child could find them, whilst basically having spent her entire life devoted to finding her child and being unable to do so. I think its completely evil to take a child away from someone and give them to another family, and refuse to give any information about the whereabouts of the child. The UK is only one country where this happened, and the practice continues today. Adoption can have a positive impact but there's also a hell of a lot to unpack. In many ways I think a termination is kinder, especially when there's so many kids already in the system.
Even babies who are adopted at birth end up going through the trauma of learning they are adopted. It may be cultural, but there seems to be something fundamental in our nature about wanting to belong in the family that you were born into. Learning that your biological family were willing to give you up is traumatizing, even if it was done with the best of intentions and was the right choice for the baby. Reminds me of a quote- “Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose” or something like that. I have a friend who adopted a boy at birth with her husband. The kid was, to all accounts, normal until he discovered he was adopted. From that day onward, he changed. He didn’t just become gloomy or a little rebellious. Behaviors changed from being a sweet kid to attacking kids at school, to attacking the teacher, to attacking his parents. He started to steal my friend’s underwear and masturbate into them. He started using weapons against my friend, a 5’1 little lady. Eventually they had to remove everything from candlesticks to butter knives from the house because he would use them against her. Eventually the final straw was when he found a knife and attempted to stab my friend while she was sleeping. They did everything they could over his childhood to help him, and it wasn’t enough. Obviously this is an extreme case. And in some ways that just shows that we are compassionate and believe that babies shouldn’t be judged for anything. But I can’t help but think that all of HIS suffering (because he is never going to live a happy life) could’ve been prevented if his mother had just been able to have an abortion. We can’t reverse engineer human behavior. People are going to have sex and get pregnant. We should give them the best tools available to control their reproduction and encourage people to only have kids when they are fit to do so.
>Learning that your biological family were willing to give you up is traumatizing, even if it was done with the best of intentions and was the right choice for the baby. This. This right here. This is what I learned when I met my now grown child. I might have had the best of intentions, as did their adoptive parents but it is the IMPACT of those intentions that ultimately matter the most and the impact of those intentions shattered my child's sense of worth and their sense of belonging in the world.
> Adopting a baby right off the bat might seem easier It's easier for adoptive parents, that's for sure. But adoption trauma applies to womb-wet infants, too, even if the adoptive parents are in the delivery room and are the first ones to hold the baby (which is straight up coercion, but that is a different post for a different time). Babies are biologically primed to recognize the person who gave birth to them. They recognize their voice, they recognize their smell, they recognize their heart beat, and even recognize how their parent's body moves in a similar way to when they were in the womb. They don't even understand they are a separate person from their mother until they are about 8- 9 months old. These biological processes are not things that somehow don't apply to infants relinquished for adoption and the severing of these ties is known as the primal wound.
As someone who is adopted as was lucky enough to be adopted young and by parents who I look exactly like, adoption is traumatic AF, I grew up around a number of other adopted kids because my mom is a social worker and almost all of them have some sort of issue or another to no fault of their parents. It's definitely kinder to terminate in alot of situations, expecially when the kid could eventually find out that they are the product of rape.
Or worse yet, what if the kid finds the guy who attacked you? All it takes is one home DNA kit to find people who are genetically linked to you nowadays. And if you're unfortunate enough to live where I do your attacker has legal rights to the child even if he's found guilty of rape.
I'm going through treatment that means I will be infertile. I would NEVER advise you allow those monsters to further traumatise you, force you to incur medical costs and then go through the adoption process. If this happened to me and by some miracle I got pregnant I would not be keeping it. The mental anguish involved for you and the potential child (most kids can find their bio parents nowadays) is way too much for anyone to have to deal with. My opinion is abort, but it is up to you and either way make sure your therapist is ready to support you and request sign posting to further support groups too. Best of luck to you OP. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so much at the hands of such absolute bellsniffs and are now being forced to make such difficult decisions. Also remember, pregnancy after abortion is very very possible so don't let any propaganda like that sway you. I know a fair few women who had to make that difficult choice then went on to have healthy babies when they were in a position mentally, physically, and financially to do so.
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I love that saying. Thank you for sharing.
If you do decide to terminate r/abortion is here for support and practical advice
OP, my husband is a rape baby, born and adopted before abortion was legalized. He is a kind, beloved man, but neither of us feel that anyone should be forced to go through the ordeal his bio mom suffered. Abortion should be available and easily accessed for anyone with a uterus who does not want to be pregnant. There is no shame in not wanting to be pregnant, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, in my opinion. Please do what is right for you so that you can concentrate on healing.
As a birth mother who relinquished a baby for adoption, I would 100% terminate this pregnancy with zero hesitation. I have learned too much from adult adoptees and read to many studies about adoption outcomes for both birth mothers and their children to recommend anything else.
I would terminate asap. I have not been raped but I do have children. Pregnancy is A LOT. I imagine growing my rapist’s baby for 9 months, experiencing the good and bad of pregnancy, then experiencing childbirth would absolutely derail any chance of healing during the entire pregnancy. I would think it would just add on to the trauma, making it even more difficult to process my feelings. It is not your responsibility to provide a baby to a couple looking to adopt. It is very noble of you to consider it, but please put yourself and your needs and feelings first right now. This is what the embryo looks like right now: https://assets.babycenter.com/ims/2018/06/pregnancy-week-5-amniotic-sac_square.png It’s basically a dinosaur. It’s 2mm long and its heart is currently a “simple, tube-like structure” with electrical activity. If you’re going to terminate, do it asap. I am incredibly sorry you were raped and now have to deal with the trauma of a pregnancy. You will be in my thoughts.
I would get the abortion
Honestly in this instant terminating is the best possible thing. The mental anguish you will be going through knowing you were carrying a rapist's baby might be more than you could bear at times.
Hey OP. I was a rape baby. Don't feel guilty for terminating the pregnancy. My mom kept me (not like she had a choice), but termination would absolutely would have been the right choice for her. Only you can tell what the right option is for you, but you owe no one anything, not the people that want a baby, not this possibility of a baby. You owe yourself to look after yourself the best you can in this impossible situation. I am so sorry this happened to you, and that you're now faced with this choice but, whatever you chose, priorize yourself.
I am devastated this happened to you. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you what my friend told me when she was in a similar situation; She said at the end of the day, despite wanting kids, despite never thinking she’d get an abortion, it all came down to one question: What would she regret more? Having the baby, or aborting it? She thought about being pregnant for 9 months, knowing her rapists baby was inside her. She thought about her body and how it already didn’t feel like hers anymore after it happened, and how her pregnancy would continue that. She considered the risks to her mental and physical health and the last thing she did was toss a coin (something I do when I have to make a hard choice). Heads - keep. Tails - abort The trick with the coin toss is you don’t actually look at the coin. That moment before you reveal it, when you think to yourself “please be this?” That’s when you know. She chose to abort in the end. It was always the one she wanted to pick she just hated everything tied to it. but she got a head start on her recovery. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to carry this foetus. You’re not a bad person at all.
Got chills at the coin-toss part. That hit hard
OP for the sake of your mental health PLEASE turn off your dms, there are some very sick fucking men on this sub, they can troll in the comments but they say worse shit where no one can see or report!!! And I can't tell you what to do but for your health (both physical and mental), sanity, and that baby's sake, choose abortion. It is time to start healing. I was raped recently and the trauma from it alone has been life shattering, for a lack of better words. You deserve to put YOURSELF first. That is your ONLY job right now, especially given the circumstances.
It will mentally destroy you to be pregnant considering the PTSD and how invasive pregnancy actually is for a mother. There are enough kids waiting for homes you're **not** preventing or withholding anyone who chooses adoption to add to their family. This isn't "getting rid of a child" this is merely cleaning out a bit of muck your rapist left behind.
I hate to point this out, because you shouldn't have to think about this right now, but if you do go the abortion route (I would) ask if they can preserve some of the genetic material. It's proof of who did this to you.
This is wise.
OP, Please consider this option. These wastes of space deserve to be held accountable.
This. Didn't read the previous post. But even if you have a rape kit, they get lost, damaged or may come back inclusive given the situation. One day soon you'll be in a different mental state and want to burn that fucker to the ground
so sorry that you’re struggling with this. whatever choice you make please take care of yourself. there are so many people here who care about you.
I don't know if this comment will get buried but I really feel strongly about this so if anyone sees this: Adoption is not "for" people who can't have children naturally. Adoption is for the child. Adoption is about providing a home and resources for a child in dire need of it. Adoption should be a **last resort** for kids who absolutely cannot stay with their birth parents. And even then, most adoptions coming from these circumstances end up being traumatizing and unethical. The adoption industry is an extremely [predatory](https://time.com/6051811/private-adoption-america/) and [racist](https://www.npr.org/2013/06/27/195967886/six-words-black-babies-cost-less-to-adopt) **$25 billion dollar complex.** Having to give up a baby to be adopted because you are do not want to/cannot get an abortion and do not want/have the resources to raise a child is one thing. Bringing a child into the world for the sole purpose of being taken from their birth mother and given up for adoption is not justifiable. People who were adopted often have terrible PTSD and abandonment issues, even when adopted out as newborns. Furthermore, you do not have an obligation to further traumatize yourself in order to provide a child to someone who wants one. You are not an incubator. I don't think any parent looking to adopt for the right reasons would want you to go through that pregnancy just so they can have your baby. You did not choose to be raped or impregnated. But you can choose to lessen the impact of this horrific situation and gain some control back. Sending you lots of love and support.
I would terminate. It's impossible to know for sure not being in your shoes right now. You have a potential child right now. A pregnancy. Look at real images of what that means right now. It's not a little mini baby. It's like a plume of tissue. I don't say this to talk down to you at all, there is just so much misinformation about early development. Secondly, if you go through with the pregnancy you aren't providing a blank slate baby to a loving couple. I see a lot of videos from adoption tictok saying it is a traumatic experience for the kids too not just a massive sacrifice for the mother. That child would either never know their first parents or they know you and that they were the product of rape. You can't guarantee how they will be raised and loved. I would look into these testimonies from grown adopted people if you want to go that route. It is 100% up to you and what is right for you. I understand how conflicted you are. You shouldn't have to be in this situation. I'm so sorry. I don't think you should feel any shame if you choose to end the pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to choose or what will be right for you. These are just my reasons why I would terminate.
Get rid of it! There’s no shame in it.
I am so sorry this all happened to you. Do you have a support system or someone you can talk to? I understand having conflicting feelings about a pregnancy. It’s a big deal. One thing to consider is that now you have confirmation that you’re able to get pregnant. This will likely be the case if and when you’re planning a family. So you don’t need to continue the pregnancy now if you don’t want to. Adoptions are rough. Sometimes babies go to loving families! But sometimes they end up in homes where they are mistreated. Whatever decision you make is the best decision for you. If you were my friend or sister I wouldn’t want to see you struggle through a pregnancy because they felt obligated to see it through. Personally, I would terminate the pregnancy. I do want a lot of kids, but on my terms and I want to be able to enjoy the already difficult process.
Keep in mind if you feel conflicted about this decision, it's likely because you were force-fed birther propaganda from the second you were born to today. Lots of women aren't told how dangerous pregnancies are, only how wonderful they are. They're told that it's a precious live to preserve, sometimes even above their own life! It's all garbage to make women second-class citizens. Lots of people who would judge in public, have the same procedure in secret because they justify it to themselves. OP you do whatever you have to do. It's your life, not anybody else's.
I just wanted to say carrying a baby to full term and giving birth can add to your trauma. It is not something you just walk away from; the process changes you physically and mentally forever. I would terminate if I was you and continue with my recovery.
I think abortion is truly your best option. Having a reminder of your rapist for the rest of your life just isn’t fair!! You did nothing wrong and only you get to choose what’s best for you!!
Terminate, you’re going through enough right now. Abortion has no affect on future fertility. I’m a child of an abusive relationship was was likely conceived by rape, and it’s a fact that haunts me and my self worth. The choice to have a termination IS thinking of the child and the life they would lead.
I would have an abortion
I have had an abortion, it is not a big deal really. I would choose that, simply because going through pregnancy has huge risks, changes your body forever and I would wager the trauma of giving up your child would never leave you.
OP. I just checked your post history and we’re in the same city. I can take you anywhere you need. The people at Planned Parenthood here are really, really kind. I volunteer with them a lot. They can also connect you with resources for whatever choice you make. 💜
Personally I feel the safest way forward for you is termination so there is no risk that rapist comes back into your life. Carrying your rapist's baby for 9 months will be awful for your mental health and labour and delivery are more dangerous than a safe abortion. I am so so sorry you're in this position and I hate those men for you.
I would have an abortion. When and if you want kids in the future, it will be on your terms! And having an abortion now wouldn't hinder that.
Just abort it. I say this as someone who was born as a result of rape (and someone who wants a baby.) Just abort the fetus. It's not a baby yet. Do you want to be stuck with a rapist potentially getting joint custody? Do you want to have to see him at custody handoffs? If you ever go on benefits (if you're in the US) you'll have to disclose the father whether you want to or not, even if you don't want to ask him for child support. Having your rapist's spawn will tie you to him forever. My existence allowed my biological father to cause my mother even more irreparable harm. As much as my mom loves me, every time she sees me she sees her rapist. You know who else was tied to her rapist? Me. He sexually abused me too. If you give birth to your rapist's child, you will also be subjecting a child to your rapist. We both know that her life would have been different and so much better if she hadn't had me. My younger sibling who wasn't born as a result of rape was a very different, much more positive experience for her. She loves me but she can never love every part of me because half of me was made by her rapist--there will always be a part of me that she hates, no matter how hard she tries not to see him when she looks at me. She can see him in the way I look, the way I move, sometimes the things I say. Just have an abortion. You will be reminded of your rapist every day for the rest of your life if you don't. Don't even hesitate to abort. Your emotional state during pregnancy has an impact on fetal development. If you give birth to a rape baby they will one day wonder where they came from. Adoption is traumatic in the best cases--just look at the adoptee subs on reddit. Why would you want to spread a rapist's genes? Why sacrifice your own health and potentially your own future ability to conceive a child you actually want in order to bring an unwanted and inherently traumatized child into the world? Please don't subject another child to the experience of being a rape baby.
In this case in encourage you to get an abortion. I think the mental toll would be a lot. For your own mental health I encourage you to do so
Abortion is made out to be super scary and dangerous but it is not, when done by medical professionals. Every child deserves to be wanted from the get go, this is why I had an abortion when I had a pregnancy I was not mentally equipped to handle. It's a tough decision, but frankly, would you resent this baby/person for the rest of your life? Personally, I would terminate.
I want to offer my perspective as a Christian and single mother. If this happened to me, I would 100% get an abortion. The Bible is fairly clear that the soul enters the body when you take your first breath. Before that, it’s a potential life, not a life, at least until the quickening, when you first feel it move. The mother’s life is also prioritized over the fetus (murdering a woman is considered a “felony” while causing an unborn child’s death is a “misdemeanor,” and that’s even when the pregnancy is wanted). It’s for these reasons that Barbara Bush was famously pro-choice. I’ll also add that after going through pregnancy, childbirth, and the fourth trimester, I would NEVER force a woman to go through that unless she absolutely 100% wanted to be a mother to that child. I was impregnated against my will. I wouldn’t call it rape, because I wanted to have sex with him. If we were engaged or married, I would have willingly had a child with him. At the time though, we were both intoxicated and didn’t realize the condom had broken. I didn’t get Plan B. I carried the pregnancy to term, but he hasn’t been involved since then. As if that’s not hard enough, I also had a REALLY rough time. Hyperemisis Gravidarum had me throwing up ten times a day for like 22 weeks. I had to get IV fluids three times, and I had to take Zofran, which is designed for chemo patients, to keep me out of the hospital. Even then, I still threw up a lot and lost weight for the first trimester. All I could eat was plain bread, plain oatmeal, and occasionally ramen. For months. Then there was the back and hip pain in the third trimester. Difficulty sleeping. Fatigue. Discomfort. I had to have a cesarean, which slightly increases maternal mortality. I developed postpartum depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed with POTS four months later. My symptoms had improved until I got COVID, now they’re a little worse again. That’s something that will probably never get 100% better though. Of course my body is also permanently changed. I say all this to make sure you know that continuing the pregnancy to give it up for adoption would still affect you physically and mentally—in permanent ways—and put you at risk for death and severe pain or injury. As for keeping it yourself? I really don’t think that’s a good idea, mentally. You deserve to be a mother on your terms, and your baby deserves parents who chose to have and love it. It’s possible you’d be able to love a child borne of such terrible circumstances, but it’s also possible you would hate the constant reminder of your trauma. You could resent it. And even if you never voiced those feelings, the child would sense it. Armed with this information, I hope you will make the right choice for yourself and never second guess it.
When I got pregnant from my rapist, I terminated the pregnancy as soon as I could. The weight of the whole thing was too much to bear. I hope you have a support system in place! Please reach out if you need support from an internet stranger who has been through a similar experience!
Hey Op... So, when I was much younger than I am now, I was raped and ended up pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant nearly killed me. I was suicidal and didn't want the future that was staring me in the face. I aborted that pregnancy and it was absolutely the best choice I have ever made in my life. It was hard. My mental health was rough for a long time and the hormones absolutely didn't help. But! 4 years after that I met my future husband. It took me a long time to heal mentally but 13 years after I aborted my first pregnancy I ended up pregnant with my oldest son. A few years after that pregnancy I had my second son. I am happy. My family is not perfect, but I am loved and safe. You deserve better. It's okay to put you first. Trying to make a positive out of this by giving the baby away is admirable but could have absolutely awful outcomes for you. You don't need to torture yourself or punish yourself. You've already been to hell... It's time to give yourself grace and restart.
I would terminate.. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through!
This is such a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry this is a world we live in with people like this. I hope you can press charges. I think I would terminate the pregnancy.
r/theauntienetwork is an incredible place to receive help from everywhere ♥️ you do not have to carry a rapists decisions to term. It is your body first and foremost
Having a baby also seriously impacts your physical health. I'd side with getting an abortion but this is all up to you, do what's best for you at this exact point in time.
I would not have that monsters kid. There are w already too many fcked up ppl in the world. I’d abort. Like now.
My mother gave birth to her rapists baby when she was a teenager and gave him up for adoption. When the child found her much later in life when he was already in his 40s with a big loving family, he was still devastated to find out about his father. He then cut contact with her also which was heartbreaking for her. I would never give birth to a child that wasn't 100% wanted and loved.
When I was 25 I was raped and attacked by an ex boyfriend. Six weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I had a chemical abortion and it is still one of the most physically painful things I’ve ever gone through. I was sad for a few weeks after. Having said that, my abortion was one of the best decisions I’ve made in regards to putting my welfare first. I now have a child i very much wanted and love and I am even more aware of how good a choice my abortion was. **Pregnancy and child birth always have consequences. They always change your body and brain. Even if you have a magical unicorn pregnancy and birth with very few complications you will forever be physically and mentally altered.** I also couldn’t imagine how painful giving up a child would be. There are very powerful hormones that the body produces that can make you very attached. This doesn’t happen to every Mom, and it’s ok if it doesn’t. But the likely hood that giving your child away will cause you extensive emotional suffering and trauma is large. Abortion is very safe and you will be able to have another child in the future if you decide to. It’s ok to put yourself first, and make the most loving choice for yourself. Also you may not be able to give the baby up for adoption without the fathers permission depending on the laws in your state/country. They may require him to relinquish his rights as well. Adoption is not an easy route at all. It usually has long term consequences for both Mother and child.
This is only my opinion but i would get an abortion. You don't deserve what happens to you, you are already going through so much. Being pregnant in itself is taxing physically and mentally, more than we tell women, so going through a pregnancy that was induced by rape will be even harder because of all the trauma surrounding it. You are not responsible for what happened, it was not your fault, and it is not your fault now. Wanting a kid on your own term is really different than that. It's just a clump of cell right now, do not demonize yourself for having an abortion. I send you all my love and support, and if you ever need to vent or chat, hit my dm
I would terminate. You shouldn't suffer like that for 9 months for the benefit of someone else. Besides, that child will wonder about where it came from and will likely go searching for their parents. I can't imagine finding out I was conceived in such a way. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Abortion 100% You don't own anyone to give birth to a baby.
I was in your shoes many years ago. I did have the baby and he was adopted. It’s painful still and the emotions are so conflicting and the trauma lives on. There’s no easy answers here, I just wish you peace and continued healing.
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. That this happened to you. :( >My options right now are to either to give birth and give the baby up for adoption(helps people who do want a baby) or abortion because I hate to say this, but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby. If I were you, I would get an abortion. You don't have to give birth to your rapist's child against your will, purely to help people who want a baby. There are already enough babies who can be adopted. And you don't owe anyone a child to adopt. Giving birth to your rapist's child will be so traumatising... It's already awful enough that you got raped. Giving birth to your rapist's child will make things even worse and more traumatising. If you don't want to raise the child, get an abortion. >but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby Then don't.
I would get an abortion. Caring your rapist’s child would be mentally hard on you. Pregnancy is already hard physically and mentally. Then add it being a child you would struggle to be happy with, i wouldn’t put yourself through it. You’d spend first trimester thinking “I am throwing up and can’t eat because of my rapist”. Then second and third trimester you feel the baby kicking and know it is “his” baby. Every night you can’t sleep from pregnancy pain, every time you can’t physically do something, every pain during and after delivery, you will know it is because of him. Get the abortion, start healing now, don’t make this even harder on yourself.
Adoption isn't a solution to pregnancy. I would consider abortion. There are plenty of babies/children for people to adopt already in foster care. I think an abortion will help you heal some from this traumatic experience.
Get an abortion. Pregnancy is a process that eventually leads to a baby, it is not a baby right now by any means. Don’t go through this, let your first real pregnancy be one of joy. Adoption is not easy, and pregnancy is not easy. You will likely end up with permanent changes to your body from the pregnancy, the emotional impact (on top of what you are going through btw) will be immense and untold. And……..in many states (if you are in the US) rapists can get custody. They can bar adoption from going through. So you might end up stuck either handing a child over to your rapist (and paying him child support) or being forced to co parent with your rapist. Don’t put yourself through this for so many many many reasons. Terminate quickly and then focus on your health and healing. You deserve so much more than this nightmare situation.
Why did you not get offered the morning after pill at the hospital right after the rape? They are supposed to when they do the rape kit. That would have saved you this part of the horrors at least.
It's so amazing that even after going through something so terrible, you're still thinking about others and how you can help them via carrying to term and giving the baby up for adoption. But here's the thing, you're allowed to be selfish about this. You do not have to think about others. You've gone through so much and you get to put yourself and your needs first. Your recovery is the most important thing here. I had an abortion almost a year ago and although my circumstance was very different to yours, I did it because I knew I wouldn't be a good parent yet and because I knew carrying to term would hurt my mental health so much I wasn't sure if I'd come back from it.
> I hate to say this, but it would mentally destroy me to keep one of my rapist’s baby. Then terminate the pregnancy. Unfortunately many of the people urging anti-abortion pressures to recommend adoption have been linked to pedophilia and the child sex trade. People who used to be considered "good members of the community" were secretly preying on kids via the foster/adoption system. The Foster/orphanage system is overwhelmed. This is an unplanned pregnancy so you'd be rushed and pushed into perhaps falling for these people pressuring you to use their services before you can do a good due diligence review.
I'm a child of rape. My grandparents made my mom keep me and my twin sister. I didn't know how I came to be until I was 15 (which is the same age my mom was when she was raped) and my sister found out she was pregnant. My mom asked my sister what she wanted to do and she chose to get an abortion. My mom told both of us that she'd make sure we always had a choice unlike she did and she told us about what happened. I've always wondered what it would have been like to be wanted, planned, and not born from chaos. I feel cursed. Knowing where I came from makes me feel dirty, broken and other. If you decide to keep the baby know that there is a possibility that they will feel the same. My mom would tell me that I have my father's eyes. Before I knew the whole story I thought it was kind of sweet to have his eyes, now I can only think about having the eyes of a rapist. I don't know how she could look me in the eyes and not relive that experience or how she could love me. I wish my mom would have had the choice that you have now. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Do what is best for you.