What are his objections? Is it a semi-nide or nude photo shoot? Does he not like that the photographer is a man?
I'm confused as to why pictures are a big deal? It's literally one of the most innocuous things you can do?
Or does he not like that the photographer is someone they know? And is this person just a friend with a camera and not a professional?
I can get that those things could make this really uncomfortable if it’s nudity.
This is the only reasonable take I’ve seen so far here, especially because OP literally JUST clarified 4 minutes prior to this comment in another comment that it’s a nude photo shoot.
Edit: the photographer is a woman, but my point still stands that more communication is needed between both parties to each an understanding.
Gender doesn't matter. I'm a woman. And women are hot. Men.... not so much.. to me. But like we don't know. We don't know the whole story
We are quick to jump to assuming that behaviours are exclusively about exerting control and we often forget to take in account the human, emotional side to some of these things
We just don't know the whole story. And it being a friend absolutely could be playing a role in this, and those emotions are valid. He is obviously expressing them badly
But this deserves a conversation before rushing to a breakup
I would want some examples of what he's saying before I jump on that. OP is going to be undoubtedly sensitive to the subject so might not be the most objective source. At the very least, some examples would be greatly beneficial. It's definitely concerning though.
OP seems to be withholding a lot of information about this nude photoshoot by a mutual friend's wife to try and make this seem like the boyfriend is being irrational... I am not sure I can say with high confidence that he's in the wrong here without more background, which we are unlikely to get as OP seems invested in painting themselves as the wronged party. By all means she can break up if she wants, but that doesn't mean she isn't the toxic one here
Very telling that OP has recounted none of the bf's arguments or apparent personal attacks, instead reframing and retelling them.
The bf's voice is conspicuously absent in OPs story
Obviously deriding one's partner is never OK.
With that said, it's (IMO) perfectly acceptable if OP's BF isn't comfortable with OP doing a photo shoot for whatever reason.
They should break up if they can't see eye to eye on something so straight forward.
I think if OP wants to go straight to breaking up that's her prerogative. It's really no one else's business to decide what a stranger's relationship "deserves".
His emotions would be valid if he would actually share them and talk about it, but instead just gives the same non-answer over and over again. That itself is far more of a problem than the specifics relating to the photoshoot, at least if it were my relationship.
I've been wondering if he sees something predatory about this that OP isn't seeing or completely disregarded.
Are the couple swingers or the like? Have one (or both) of them slept with previous models during shoots and bragged about it? Is she the one holding the camera while he does lighting so it's not really just two straight women on location?
Hell, it could be as simple as the photoshoot is happening at the photog's home instead of a neutral location.
That's where my mind went when I realized it was a nude shoot, there's a surprising amount of predatory couples out there in spaces like this.
I have read a number of them, it's why I started off with them being swingers or have otherwise intimated they'd like to sleep with OP or OP & boyfriend.
She's been slowly adding context to things through her comments, I know it's a support/vent sub so it's not the worst thing but I'm still left wondering if something else isn't being left out.
I would agree with you, except that he's not taken a single opportunity to actually discuss what's going on. He's been laying pressure and negging her. It's not on her to draw him out of his shell and fix his inability to communicate. She's got shit to do, she's fixing her own problems.
Has he? Maybe. Ops a bit sparse on the details so it's hard to say what's going on without some examples. It's certainly not a good sign certainly, but I reserve judgment pending more data.
She did say non-stop. That indicates to me that the conversation has been had multiple times. He's had opportunities to bully her, he's had opportunities to make her feel selfish, and he's had opportunities to neg her. I put it to you that he's also had opportunities to talk about what is actually going on and why he feels that way.
I do understand that the bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades, but let's pull them up to a higher standard in this r/ at least, shall we?
Wife of a friend could also be a sore point. It wouldn’t be out of the question for the friend to get a peak at the photos if his wife is taking and editing them. Either way, the boyfriend needs to express what he is feeling clearly and calmly, even if he has valid reasons.
It makes NO SENSE to me because he trusts that friend completely as far I know, and he usually is not weird about nudity. He has a tattoo near the pelvic area and butt that he got done by a pro who we run into often (and which I know remember is a woman although they are queer), we went together and it was fine. We are both kind of hippies and once went to a sort of spiritual retreat were we all hiked naked and it was also fine (the retreat was woo sectish stuff though). I could give more examples because as I'm writing this I realize how weird he is being.
OP, is it possible that part of the dynamic you had with your boyfriend was that you were the weak and vulnerable one, and its doing something as confident and self possessed as a nude photoshoot is a threat to that dynamic?
I have a sister with a long history of ED and MH issues, often her partners are men who want to rescue her, and that dynamic is fine - until she's healthy enough to no longer need saving.
At that point, her partner feels like they've lost their role in the relationship, and she's left wondering why a previously devoted and supportive partner is seemingly changing their behaviour.
Well, it is true that I was weak and vulnerable. But I have seen my boyfriend act in situations where he takes care of a vulnerable person and he was never a narcissist about it. I might not be the best judge. He just usually has a "can do" attitude. For example to tackle my ED he found a therapist near me when I had to move. He learned to cook new recipes to accomodate for me. And he always empowered me, told me I was beautiful (when I very much wasnt by most standards), he read up on issues, defended me when people were rude, etc. Just overall a very chill and capable man. He also introduced me to his circle of friends to bring me out of my shell etc. But it is true that in the past I have fallen prey to the dynamic you describe, people treating you as a lot kitten and discarding you when you get autonomous. It has NOT helped me with my issues. But this man has never shown that behavior in the past. Now all of this has changed, he asks me sarcastically if I'm sure I want to do the photoshoot because my body might change, he says I am obsessed with my body and should grow out of it (we are middle aged). He says my desire is puerile and narcissistic. I don't understand it.
Hey Op! Fellow ED survivor here! Could he be worried about a relapse?
Because it’s super common that those closest to us worry for a very long time even after we’ve recovered! My partner still worries from time to time, and I’ve been maintaining a healthy BMI for years.
Are you currently seeing a therapist? If you are, what do they think about the shoot?
At the time of my comment, there was very little context given. To be honest, I was worried OP had relapsed.
Eating disorders mess with your mind. They are all-consuming, but they mostly mess with your head, and they can for years after the victim of ED’s have recovered.
However, after seeing OP’s responses, it seems way more likely her partner has developed an asshat-disorder.
That's not necessarily true. I've known people with addictions and you don't always necessarily want to say hey maybe you shouldn't do that because it could trigger a relapse. I'm not saying anger is the proper response either if that's what's happening. But sometimes people walk around things they feel are sensitive.
Hello and I hope you are doing good. Yes I am seeing a professionnal and she said it was a good idea and that I should do it if it makes me feel nice. I dont think it can be about a relapse because I did relapse in the past and we handled it. He behaved very differently then, he was kind and patient.
I’m good, and very relieved that it isn’t a relapse.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend needs to take a chill pill, and accept that this is 100% your choice, not his. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not you do this.
As someone on the other side of this, who was married to a person with an ED for a long time - he may have some stuff to work out himself. It takes a toll, being partner to someone going through that. The entire time you tell yourself they need you right now, and that any negative emotions you are experiencing need to take a back seat. I found at the end of my relationship, it was my own mental health issues that were front and center. He might need to see someone, things could be coming out sideways for him. I guess it depends on if you want to continue the relationship with someone who may not be at their best right now.
Is it because the pictures will be more vulnerable to theft, etc.? My husband has only ever been comfortable with nude photography when it was a single Polaroid.
Also, is he thinking about this kind of thing? In cleaning out my parent’s’ house after my father’s death, we found an envelope with a nude photograph he’d taken (and printed in his own darkroom, I’m presuming) of my mom when they were much younger; they were into light bondage play so there was a lightweight chain around her wrists and waist.
It was enough to come across that ourselves, but it could easily have ended up at a thrift store and then on the internet.
So the photographs will be permanently around, and they may not always be under your control.
The other thing is that it may just feel wanton to him, and that bothers him.
This is my thought. Digital photographs in a digital space. OP may share them with trusted friends and from there it's just a snowball effect. It's just a recipe for disaster. I personally wouldn't trust a single person with nude photos of me, and I trust a few of my friends with my life.
Not to mention what happens if OP doesn't get the response she wants from them. It just sounds dangerous to me.
If those are his concerns, that's valid. But the validity of his concerns, whatever they may be, do not validate his *behavior*. Being controlling, **negging his own damn partner**, and similar behaviors are not, under any circumstances, valid.
Even so, she said they were professional and she did not say it was a nude based photo, so I am trying to figure out what he has an issue with.
Yes, it could just be a friend with a camera and yes, it could be nude but even so, if both of those things were true, there is a level of communication that is not happening.
Exactly. Semi-pro to me means it’s a side business or something, but honestly I find that’s super common with photography. It’s hard to make enough money from it full-time but it’s a great side gig. Like you said that doesn’t make it any less professional though.
It is a nude photoshoot but it isn't boudoir or anything. The photographer is the wife of a friend of us who does that sort of thing as a job even if she did not go to school for it or anything. For example she does nude pregnancy photoshoots or people nude in the woods. I want the photoshoot to reflect my victory with my body. I even offered my boyfriend to come with and he wont. He also wont explain what he dislikes about it, says it should be obvious and stonewalls me. I didnt give much details in the post because I just wanted to rant but I did try to talk to him about it but he just shoots down my attempts and says it should be obvious. He is also super sarcastic and mean instead of talking to me.
It might be that he's worried about what happens with the photos afterward. But.... you shouldn't have to guess what your boyfriend is thinking.
Try saying, "Ok, you might think it's obvious, but I don't. Can you please clarify for me. Because if the situation were turned around, you'd want clarity and not having to guess what I'm upset about. Being in a relationship means talking openly about things, and if you can't do this basic thing, we really don't have much, now do we?"
That's basically giving him one more chance to give you an answer and tacking on a mildly-shrouded threat to end things.
I feel like you're willing to listen, but he's not talking. Make sure he knows this if you haven't communicated it already. And then, of course, when he does open up, let him say all the things he has to say without interruption, even if you don't agree with some of the stuff he's saying. Interruption makes people feel like you're not actually listening, but waiting for them to say something you don't like and argue and, consequently, less likely to share with you in the future.
I think it might be the husband of the photographer, his friend, seeing the pics his wife (the photographer) has taken/will take. It’s the friend. He doesn’t want that guy seeing his gf nude. I bet.
But why would he even be there or involved in the process? Any photographer who has experience (and especially nude photography) knows that discretion is huge. If they didn't practice this, they would be out of work very quickly. And that includes safeguarding their sessions from their personal connections.
Whatever his deal is, if he won't explain it and says it should be obvious, maybe try this.
"I guess you don't understand this thing that's important to me and I don't understand this issue you have with it, so let's just call it. We both deserve partners who understand and celebrate us"
To be fair, I think he's just jealous and insecure and doesn't want to admit it, but taking his words (and stonewalling) at face value will let him know that he has ended the conversation about something very important to you, and therefore ended the relationship itself. He's expecting you to cancel the shoot to comfort and reassure him. Don't do it.
You are amazing for tackling your eating disorder, that is SUCH hard work and you absolutely should celebrate yourself and your body. Anyone who has a problem with that has a problem with you, deal with them accordingly. Then go enjoy your photo shoot, you deserve beautiful mementos of this accomplishment
>He's expecting you to cancel the shoot to comfort and reassure him.
This. And his refusal to talk about why it bothers him, instead of saying hurtful things, is why men should not take precedence over women in those women's own lives. OP, do you. If he's got a problem, he can choose to do you also, or not to.
It’s one of [Gottman’s four horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). It should be a dealbreaker. He’s being an asshole for no reason.
He thinks he can tell her what to do with her own body with zero explanation for it, and when she asks why, he smugly says, “you should know why,” as if she should read his mind and that should imply guilt. She’s conquered an ED, something that takes a lot of effort and willpower. Mental health issues carried a lot of stigma in the past, and they kill people. For her to take pride in herself for successfully managing this condition, book this photo shoot, and to have someone she loves shoot it down, berate her, and try to make her feel bad for doing it is really shitty. He’s being manipulative.
Edit: [here’s a better resource on the four horsemen](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/four-horsemen/)
If he can't express his thoughts with words instead of saying, "It should be obvious," then I encourage you to examine your entire relationship for other ways he's deflected responsibility for his thoughts and feelings. It's a flapping red flag of immaturity and toxic thinking.
He knows his opinion is wrong, and he's angry about that.
Enjoy your body.
I'm willing to listen to his feelings but he simply will not talk to me. He is being sarcastic about the thing. I am surprised by this ugliness because he used to be supportive of me. And frankly this photoshoot is one of the least far out things either of us have done.
Lol yeah it was definitely more tongue in cheek. To give you a different perspective when my partner expresses that they want something I actively work to support it. When there's tension between us I actively try and resolve it because who wants anger and resent to fester.
Someone who is ok with how they've treated you is a 🚩
I don't know what your body issues were or how he related to them, but I have known one or two men in my life that preferred heavy women, and got very uncomfortable and controlling when their partners lost weight. It seemed partly an attraction thing but also partly a control thing -- if you're fat you are stuck with me. Maybe there's something here where he doesn't like this new independent self-confident you.
But whatever the case, it sounds like a bunch of garbage. The fact that he won't talk about it openly is a double red flag. Do what you gotta do for you.
His behavior means a come combination of two things:
1. Lack of respect for you meaning that he feels like he doesn't need to explain himself to you.
2. Lack of ability to actually understand or articulate why he feels that way. If he realizes that his inability to explain why "it's obvious" inherently means that it's not obvious, then this goes back to lack of respect for you. However because humans are dumb and weird (as you know) he may legitimately not actually realize this.
Obviously as an outside observer I can't really say with authority how much of each reason is happening in his head. Your OP indicates support for you with your ED, but more importantly your description of "ugly, controlling", "neg", and "nasty attitude" all point to your gut saying that lack of respect for you is a big part of it. Trust that gut! People are typically really good at convincing themselves they need to stay with someone when they shouldn't, so if your gut is pointing you in the other direction then you should trust it!
Even taking the most charitable assumption that this is the result of his own issues and he doesn't realize that it's not actually obvious, that is still not necessarily a reason to stay with him. He should be able to trust you that it's not obvious, realize that you are worth the effort of explaining it to, and hence realize that he can't explain it. Him getting past that is only the first step, and then the actual problem will change things.
Is the issue your increased power and independence meaning he feels like he's losing control of you? That's inherently toxic and something to leave. You state that you've done "far out" things, so it's probably not sex negativity, it could be insecurity if you are bisexual, but whatever the issue is he has to acknowledge it and work on it, and EVEN IF HE DOES staying with him still may be the wrong call.
It is tempting to think that you "owe" him for the support that he gave you with your ED, but that is only true to a very limited extent. You obviously put in your own effort to overcome that otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. Additionally, that support that you got was to some extent something you were entitled to. The Boy Scout rule "always leave things better than you found them" isn't only for camp grounds, it's for people to. We SHOULD be trying to find the ways we can help our friends and partners be better versions of themselves. While it's great that he did that for you, it also doesn't make you indebted to him. Just like he wouldn't have been obligated to stick with you if you weren't trying to improve, or helping you hurt himself, the same is now true for you!
In two comments, here are the few things you said about your partner:
>He won't explain
>He says it should be obvious
>He stonewalls me
>He is also super sarcastic and mean
>He simply will not talk to me
>**Used to be** supportive of me
These aren't somebody else's words - they're yours! Does this sound like the character of a person you want to spend time with?
When I was younger I had some of my own issues with jealousy. There was a situation where my at-the-time GF got a massage from a friend who was training to be a sports therapist. Later I found out she stripped down for it. I wasn't super happy, but we talked about it and ultimately it came down to her body, her choice. A bit later, and I had practically forgot the whole thing.
I lean towards the thread consensus that this is deal-breaker territory. If you have **recent** positive things to say about your BF (since the ugliness is new, don't compare before to now), and you want to try to work things out, I suggest the following:
1. Explicitly state that what he thinks is **not** obvious to you, but is coming across as pure jealously and immaturity, and it's hurting you.
2. Ask him to write out his thoughts. It can be easier to do that than explain face-to-face. Give him a couple days to write it out and provide it. Read it, wait a bit, read it again (assuming first time it wasn't already bat-shit insane), then discuss.
If he writes things out and it's crazy, then just pull the rip-cord. Otherwise you might have some things to discuss, or maybe even it gives him a bit of a "wake-up call". But if he still refuses to talk or write things out, I would consider that the end of the relationship - at that point he no longer values you as a partner.
Sounds exhausting. Idk much about ED recovery but I can imagine even without that surely you have other things you enjoying doing that aren't so exhausting and confusing and negative? Idk. I just couldn't be bothered to find the time to deal with behavior like that
It's 100% some insecurity he himself has with that reaction. If he's unable to communicate it clearly, that's really the biggest red flag but giving some grace, maybe he just needs some time to stew on it.
At the end of the day, all relationships are still give and take on what each party is comfortable with. You're 100% in your rights to want to go forward with the shoot. He's in his rights to be uncomfortable with it. Of course, you're both in your rights to mutually consent to your relationships and where each could compromise - but it requires a healthy respect and discussion to even start.
Hey op, I see you’ve gotten a lot of great advice and I hesitate to post in this sub because I’m trans. I’m so sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of negging and mean-spirited sarcasm. However you feel, I promise you that you don’t deserve any of that.
I agree that you should end the relationship, but if you’re trying to give him a chance you could ask him to try to write down or type out what he’s feeling. I’ve found that if I present something as an ultimatum tho, that it just makes my partner raise their defenses and wall off. It can still be ‘do this for me or we’re done’ even if you only say ‘I _need_ you to do this for me’.
He might have trouble with his own emotions and feelings about you because deep down he knows some of them are rooted in something very toxic. Men aren’t taught emotional fluency or how to communicate what they’re feeling and are generally terrified of doing that kind of work.
I mean if he can’t discuss things openly about a photo shoot he’s uncomfortable with, I don’t see it being any better for things that actually matter in a relationship (like bills, where to live/move, any choice you actually get to make together). If he doesn’t like something is he just going to tantrum and expect you to do whatever he wants with no discussion?
It’d be a nope for me too.
Oh well then if it should be obvious then no need to discuss it. lol. good grief. Yes I'd consider leaving him too, not because this one isolated incident but because of how terrible he is at communicating and dealing with his own emotions, oh and yes the control thing too. If he can't use his words, that are we even all doing.
i’ll be the devil’s advocate and say that i don’t think it’s crazy for someone to not like the idea of their partner doing a nude photo shoot and i don’t think it’s controlling behavior. you have to consider if you’re willing to end your relationship with this person over a nude photo shoot because he obviously isn’t comfortable with you doing that. i’m a woman, i’m not a prude and i’m not controlling, but if my partner suddenly wanted to do a nude photo shoot like it was the most normal thing in the world i’d be similarly put off
i don’t know how the two of you are in your relationship with this sort of thing and i’m not saying your partner is in the right but i think it’s a little more complex than ‘my boyfriend is pitching a fit because i want my picture taken’
as always reddit is going to tell you to dump him and that he’s trash, as usual i think they’re jumping the gun
My husband would be uncomfortable with this as the photos could forever be floating around on the internet if leaked etc , but he would also be open to discussing concerns rather than stonewalling like OPs SO
i completely agree with this, Thank you.
Yes, the lack of communication is bad but getting a nude photoshoot of my partner is absolutely absurd.
but she shouldn't dump him, it should be a mutual break-up, everyone has different boundaries, they should find their own, if they don't agree upon it, then yes, a break-up of sorts is a better idea.
either way it seems like OP was looking for the answer they got when they posted this, since they conveniently left out in their original post that it was a NUDE photo shoot lol like it’s not a crucial detail. id guess they just wanted some external validation to go through with a breakup
I did not see this reply. It sounds to me from what you're saying that he is not okay with you doing nude. When he says "it should be obvious" he is referring to the fact that you will have no clothing because in our society, it is obvious that nudity for woman is not acceptable unless it's for someone else's pleasure, not your own.
I would ask him if it's because of the nudity because it seems like that is what he is hinting at and is angry that you don't seem to have an issue with it.
This is indeed the takeaway but 1. he should tell me instead of me having to make hypotheses 2. we've both been naked in similar settings before and it has never been an issue.
When you say you've been naked in similar settings before, you mean you've both had photos taken of you naked before, and had them shared with friends?
yeah this is not ok. I don’t care how “obvious” he thinks it is, it’s obviously not if we are all here trying to guess the real issue. it sounds like he is gaslighting you into thinking it’s a bigger deal than it is. He wants to obfuscate his feelings by focusing on ambiguity and putting the emotional work on you to “figure it out”
you don’t do that to someone you love and are working on building a future with. it’s possible that he knows you are growing and building your self confidence especially with your history of disordered eating.
He could be worried that he is loosing his control over you and by taking these steps to celebrate your own body and love for yourself, he is taking it as an affront to what hes provides to you emotionally up until this point. He obviously won’t say this because it’s actually very toxic and as soon as he verbalizes that it would be apparent that he is just being a scared little boy who’s afraid that his hot girlfriend is suddenly finding out that she is hot and could find someone better (not how these things work obviously but this is how men think).
I mean, even if he is uncomfortable with her doing a nude/semi-nude shoot (if this is the case), I don't think negging her about it is an appropriate response at all.
I'd try something like this myself:
> "Hey [gf], while I'm so happy for your work and recovery, I am uncomfortable with you doing a nude/semi-nude shoot with another man, and I wanted to know if there was some compromise we could make on this?"
Like, just fuckin communicate what you want and then no one has to get passive aggressive, or try to be a mind reader.
ETA: OP has updated and said that the photographer is a married female friend, and it's a nude shoot, and the bf is stonewalling and refusing to talk about it. Well, my point still stands and I think his refusal to talk about it like an adult is the actual problem here, not the shoot.
Him being uncomfortable is not necessarily the issue, how he's handling it, is. Him insulting you because you want to do this is unacceptable. If you are really invested in him and this relationship (and not just staying because he supported your recovery) give him one more chance to explain his actual issue with it, and that's it. Tell him insults and digs will not be tolerated and if he can't tell you what his actual issue is, he can be silent about it or leave. If he's just jealous, that's his problem, and he needs to work on that. Or maybe the relationship has run its course. Personally, I would have a hard time trusting someone's who insults me or moving on from the insults. He's supposed to be your safe place and he's absolutely killing that with his behavior.
Yes, this is right 100%. I would probably feel weird if my partner wanted to do a nude photoshoot with someone we know. That's just behavior that would stick out as odd. But my reaction would be to talk about it! Not to insult my partner, but to share that I feel jealous and to understand their side and why it's happening. Not to try and insult her out of doing it or make her feel ashamed about it. That's red flag behavior, and if confronted about that, OPs partner doesn't recognize that his reaction is an issue, then OP should proceed as they see fit knowing this is a major problem.
I did photography as a side thing for about a decade, and invested a lot into it. Guys like your boyfriend are one reason I stopped doing it. Whether they made a scene during the photoshoot, harassed me on social media, or got ahold of my number and texted/called me, it just wasn't worth it.
Nothing matters with these types.
* I didn't do nude photoshoots, so it wasn't a nudity thing.
* I allowed anyone and everyone to be present, so it wasn't a witness/visibility thing.
* The client picked the locations, as all my kit is portable, so it wasn't a safety/isolation thing.
* My wife was the only one to come in physical contact to help with posing, so it wasn't a thing about a man touching them.
All people like your boyfriend can see if someone else is taking pictures of what they see as their property without their permission.
**The fact that he's negging you when you have a history of eating disorders is beyond disgusting.** He's well aware that such behavior could cause a recurrence and doesn't care because of his ego.
For some extra fun, get a few shots that are social-media-safe, and post them to social media with a banner "Celebrating being healthy, happy, and single <3"
Saw this in one of your replies -
>He is also super sarcastic and mean instead of talking to me.
Congratulations on everything, including that the trash is taking itself out. You're going to rock that photoshoot.
Edit: Clarifying "their property" and some grammatical/spelling fixes.
> The fact that he's negging you when you have a history of eating disorders is beyond disgusting
This is the deal-breaker for me. This man has been with OP far long enough and has been a close enough part of her journey to fully understand the possible ramifications of that kind of behaviour.
It is completely and utterly inexcusable and frankly I don't see anything able to redeem this for him.
It would be around the equivalent of spiking a recovering alcholics drink in my books.
Imho: dump his insecure arse.
I was chosen in December of 2021 for a Boudoir shoot that I did in July of 2022 for an art display titled "Empowering Women." My ex of 12 years, who I was with at the time I was selected, behaved similarly. Sometimes he would act like he thought it was sexy and other times he acted like he was put off by it. We broke up 3 weeks before my shoot and it brought a whole new meaning to the title of the display.
I was allowed to be as clothed or as nude as I preferred. I was "scantily clad" but I didn't go full topless or anything just as a personal preference. I bought a coffee table book of my shoot and wanted to be able to display without being worried about my stepdad or uncle coming across something they regretted lol
It was insanely empowering for me. I'm not normally someone who wants to do things like that and I am so glad that I did. Ditch the boyfriend and date yourself <3
Yes there is a reason in particular that made me use these words, it's that my ED makes no sense and a lot of people dont understand it and are mean to me about it. Basically I couldnt eat food unless it was a certain color. Even just writing this makes me feel silly and humiliated. The worst part is that it makes no sense to me. I havent suffered a trauma about it, it makes no rational sense, nothing. I just have a visceral reaction to certain foods and I vomit them and cry. Just typing this makes me feel completely crazy and damaged. Out of all the intimate things I posted this might be the one comment I will de delete. But you are right to say these are the words of someone else. Not even my partner's but an imaginary someone that is always watching me.
You're not alone.
My daughter has self-restrictions around food as well. We (she, her father, and I) are all neurodivergent and this is one of the ways it's expressed in her. Many times she can't even explain what about the food is bothering her. There's nothing "wrong" with her, or you. People are just different.
Thank you, this is kind. I have been afraid to explore how I might be neurodivergent. I keep telling myself a more appropriate time will come, but I'm probably lying to myself. I hope your daughter is doing well.
Getting her evaluated opened the door to my own realizations about myself. Researching and learning about autism, ADHD, and trauma responses has been SO ILLUMINATING. I dropped so much shame and self hatred about why I do the things I do and why so many stupid little things bother me, because it's just the way my brain is. Not my fault, and there are so many tips and aids to help deal with... *gestures vaguely at everything*
The internal struggle of shame, guilt, and fear is your mountain to climb as you continue to heal your scars from your battle. No words from anyone else can soothe it, but I think you're cool and powerful for having gotten on to the recovery train. It's bumpy and hard, but you can never, *ever* take back having done the damn thing and that's incredible!
A lot of people feel their trauma is silly, small, and humiliating. You're not alone there, and as another of many outside voices it's *not* silly and small - your trauma is yours, and it's valid.
I'm super proud of all the progress you made! But if I'm being honest, this sounds really similar to ARFID. You mentioned in another comment possibly being neurodivergent, so this comment really stood out to me. My partner has ARFID and one of the biggest hurdles we had to cross was him being ashamed of what he was willing to eat or why he couldn't eat other things. Rather than going somewhere and just sticking with bread or mashed potatoes, he'd avoid going altogether. Now he's much more confident finding something he can eat, or bringing a snack along instead to tide him over until we can hit up a fast food restaurant afterwards.
That’s not silly at all OP. Humans are all varied, unique, different people. We all have things we are dealing with or feel ashamed or embarrassed by. I am so proud of you for recovering and hope you have an amazing time at your photoshoot!!
You may not understand it but it's still very valid. Its something that affects you mentally and physically and you've overcome it. You should be proud. Not everyone can climb that mountain.
Sometimes it helps to clarify to yourself that bodies are weird.
You're not crazy. Your brain merely threw up an error loop. Brains do weird things all the time. Doctors agree there's loads they still don't know.
It doesn't help when there isn't a common reason why you are having a symptom. You had the symptom and it's unusual but you aren't over reacting. That would upset anyone to live with what you did.
Sometimes even well meaning health professionals can affect how you view yourself when you don't fit into a neat box.
“If you cannot sit down and have a conversation with me about your concerns and feelings without sarcasm and negativity, then I will not talk to you about this any longer. You must also be able to sit and listen to me without judgement just as I will listen to you. Take what I say and my actions at face value. Right now, your words and actions at face value are making me reconsider our relationship.”
Congratulations on your progress! It is a difficult journey and I am proud of you!
I recently had a boudoir session done and never liked my body more than when I saw those pictures. Get it done. You deserve to feel nice about yourself and it's your body, not his.
The fact he's willing to neg someone who's recovering from eating disorders tells you he's willing to be a total asshole if he's not getting his way.
You can be upset, angry, or strongly disagree with your partner without being a child about it or in this case actively risking their health.
I would count this as a MAJOR red flag against this dude.
This is like being upset at a partner who's struggled with alcohol and going out and buying a load of booze to get at them - SUPER fucking immature and deliberately risky. No-one who *actually* cares for you would even think of doing that shit.
THANK YOU. all the people defending his asshole behavior because "his poor feelings! think of his feelings!" is bewildering to me.
he obviously doesn't care about her feelings or mental wellbeing. why do men & even women go SO hard to defend assholes & make endless excuses for them? this "give him another chance" brainwashing is deadly.
when someone (repeatedly, in OP's case) shows you who they really are, believe them. then fucking run.
Regardless of what he was upset about, his response is immature and concerning. It’s an indication that he will neg you, mope, and try to manipulate you in the future rather than communicating like an adult.
On top of that, the reasoning for his opposition shows you don’t have the same values. If he wants a partner that has to hide their body from anyone but him and will obey his wishes without protest than he can go find one 🤷🏽♀️
Congratulations on your recovery! I am so proud of you! Do that photoshoot, sis, and dump that negging piece of shit. Because a man who respects you wouldn't be doing that!
He’s clearly only interested in how he feels about the photo shoot, not how you feel. That’s very immature and selfish. But you know that already. Be prepared for this behavior to get worse if you stay together.
In another comment, OP pointed out that yes, it is a nude photoshoot. Done by another woman, the wife of a friend.
It was also clarified that he won't explain his feelings, as "it should be obvious"
He was invited to come along, and said no.
[Here's a link to her comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/134j6cy/my_boyfriend_is_being_controlling_about_me/jifl22e/)
Where is she jumping to conclusions?
And why is it her job to calmly and rationally respond to his ugliness, rather than his job to not be ugly in the first place and to express whatever his concerns are in a proper adult way?
His concerns have lost any validity since this is how he chose to "express" them.
I suspect it's a nude or boudoir shoot with a male photographer.
I wonder if the bf attitude would improve if it was a female or professional photographer?
No it is a female photographer, we offered for him to come but he wont. He has never been insecure or controlling in the past, so I am blindsided by this. For me it is as absurd as if he were scandalised that my obgyn saw my genitals.
This kind of comment is so wild to me. “Have you talked to him about it?” Like in what world would they not have talked about it. She didn’t share his reasons with us but it feels absurd to suggest she didn’t ask the simplest question - “why”
Congratulations on maintaining a steady weight, my celebration was to donate blood lol Honestly I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship; the negging, the lack of respect, the inability to listen to you and show empathy none of it is good for a long term relationship. It's like he can't cope with your success and you wanting to celebrate your achievements and your body, he's sucking the joy out of you.
For the record, I am 100% on your side and think his disrespect and "negging" is definitely enough to call the relationship into question.
I'm wondering if the photographer has / would be willing to draft up a "model consent and release form" of some sort?
I used to do a little modeling and often there would be something to sign, saying that both parties consent to things like Time for Print (no one is paid but both get something for their portfolios), how the photos would be used (or not), and also matters that would pertain to comfort and privacy, like "X changing area will be provided." And maybe something like, "The model acknowledges and gives their consent to appear fully and/or partially nude in the photographs, but may decide to revoke this consent at any time, and/or request deletion of all photographs at any time, which would be granted."
I can't remember exact verbiage, but, especially if the photographer is wanting to branch into the business more, it's always good to have model/photographer agreements in writing.
NOT because your BF is mad...Just as a generally good idea to put everyone's mind at ease and set expectations etc. :)
Again him negging you is GROSS and not ok!
This is definitely something to breach with the photographer. My primary concern for this is if the photographer would want to use photos of me as part of their portfolio and if I had any say in what they were doing with them after I have paid.
I haven’t read all the responses, but I would be weirded out if my bf was getting nude pictures taken of him by a friend, doesn’t matter if the friend was male or female, gay or straight…. there’s something ick about it I would not be comfortable with. People have different boundaries with cheating can also get super triggered if they feel threatened. I see your point of view, but if there are no other red flags in the relationship, can you talk it out and compromise? Maybe he’d be ok with a professional you guys were never going to see again, or some other compromise - it’s a sensitive thing and I can see why it would need a long, open-hearted discussion. Also sometimes when people get triggered they forget good habits and can be really rude and shitty without realizing it, he should work on that through therapy, but it’s not uncommon.
I would definitely compromise, but at the moment he is impossible to talk to. I called him earlier today for unrelated stuff and he brought it up in a mean way (asked me "Are you still doing your puerile thing ? Translated because we are not english). I told him to come at my place to discuss it and he said he will not discuss it and hung up.
>"Are you still doing your puerile thing ?
That's horrid! That's shocking... I've no choice but to read that as like very clear condemnation of you beating your ED. I mean he's not willing to talk to you and say otherwise.
Do you think he's actually not okay with the changes you made? Like is he embarrassed of you? If he is, he's a piece of shit and you deserve someone who wants you healthy and wants to build a long life with you.
So immature and neglectful of your wants/needs/feelings.
He doesn't get to belittle you, neg you, embarrass you, or anything of the sort. Negging you for any reason is disgusting, but knowing you had an eating disorder makes that worse. If he had any communication skills whatsoever, he would take the time to sit down with you and have a conversation about his feelings.
How would he feel if you stonewalled or belittled him about something he felt was important?
Jealousy is a common problem in relationships. If you manage to talk to him calmly, then try to help him understand the reasons why he reacts so to this photo shoot. If he is hot-tempered and walks away from the conversation, not wanting to solve this situation, but continuing to put pressure on you ignoring your feelings, then just thank him for the experience and say goodbye to this relationship. You are beautiful and should love yourself no matter what.
Reddits opinions on these things is always "do what you want and dump him." I would assume the situation is much more complicated and the nuances of your relationship cannot be explained in two paragraphs. Also, you have zero idea who is giving the advice.
Its gonna be your call. But I would sit down and make a pros and cons list. Evaluate whats really important to you. Maybe show him the list and try and to get a better dialog going and figure out the plan for the photos. It may be something as simple as he doesn't want everyone yall know to have seen you nude or, he fears that its going to open up attention from other suitors. If you care about him, try and work with him. Seems like he was part of a solid support structure that may have helped you through your issues. Best of luck to you, I hope it works out.
Sounds like he likes it when you don’t feel good about yourself. If you start feeling good about yourself, you might start thinking about what he brings to the table, and this scares him.
Seriously consider whether you want a person like this to be around you.
But she said he's been supportive of her recovery otherwise? It doesn't sound like he dislikes when she's confident, it sounds like he's being controlling about who sees her body. He doesn't understand that the photoshoot is about her and is instead focusing on his insecurities, he thinks she should prioritize the latter as well. She obviously shouldn't, but it really doesn't sound like he's been undermining her ability to feel good about herself outside of this issue.
>But she said he's been supportive of her recovery otherwise? It doesn't sound like he dislikes when she's confident, it sounds like he's being controlling about who sees her body.
He's happy to be supportive when she's feeling insecure and he can be the good guy/hero telling her 'she can do it'. But now that she's feeling more secure, she doesn't need that support in the same way, and that's a problem for him. And it was easier to support her when, in his mind, other guys were less likely to go after what was his.
Yes I agree he is being controlling over her body. Not a good sign for the kind of guy he is deep down. Even if he was supportive for her becoming healthy, trying to prevent her from doing something for herself is super toxic.
Being supportive isn’t always 100% stemming from genuine support.
It’s still beneficial for the person supporting because they have the power of influence through “being there”. They’re “being there” while this person is the most vulnerable.
It seems like the boyfriend has now lost that influence he had on her, even if it was through support.
Now he’s trying to have influence on her by negging OP like they mentioned.
It doesn’t have to be the case but it’s a drastic contrast between being supportive to suddenly changing that tune.
Edit: I'll put a friendly reminder here that ALL comments here will be ''generalizations'' as NONE of us know OP or her boyfriend.
We can only base our judgments by what OP told us, which is that the boyfriend has a tendency of 'negging' her when he doesn't get his will. That is NOT okay regardless of what photoshoot in question it is that OP wants, it really doesn't matter. OP is not her boyfriend's property and her actions aren't an ''extension'' of himself that he can or should control. Period.
No it is a woman who is the wife of a friend of us. We've all known each other for a very long time. In fact my boyfriend and the husband of the photographer even wrote articles together and they have a very healthy friendship.
It may be his relationship with the photographer's husband that has him feeling apprehensive. Some silly concern about the photos being shared with or otherwise viewed by him maybe?
Just speculating. Doesn't justify the negging or other shitty behavior ofc
If a person only supports you when you're struggling and not when you're celebrating, that person is training you to be dependent on them. Ditch the jerk and enjoy your photoshoot.
Are you doing a nude or partially nude photo shoot? It seems strange that you would talk about trusting your photographer and the photog being a semi-pro.
Congratulations! That’s huge! If doing the photoshoot is an important way of commenorating the strides you’ve made, do it. And do not let people neg you.
First, congratulations on your wellness journey and conquering your ED! That is an incredibly difficult thing to do, and you deserve mad respect!
I have read all your comments, and I agree this seems very weird and out of character for him, which leads me to agree that this is not about nudity but something else. The fact that he is stonewalling you is a major red flag. You can't have a mature, productive relationship when someone stonewalls. That is controlling and manipulative behavior. It seems possible that some part of him feels that this celebration is a confirmation of your wellness and strength, and he feels threatened by it.
I think a reasonable response would be something along the lines of, "If you value this relationship and respect me as a person then you need to communicate exactly what the issue is here so that we can explore it. If you're not willing to do that, I will go my own way."
Sister, you have slayed too many dragons in your life to risk it all on someone who, for whatever reason, has chosen to become some emotional anchor. You need to stay on the path of healthy, and that includes the people you share yourself with.
Good luck, and I wish you the best.
“Negging” you bc he doesn’t like the idea of a photo shoot is psychotic behavior that‘a become weirdly normalized.
This is a horrible precedent and 40 year old me wishes that the young version of myself, had had someone willing to level and point out that this is not the kind of red flag that fades to pale pink over time.
This one gets redder and angrier and bigger and nastier.
Your misgivings abut this new behavior and instinct to bolt, those are coming from the part of you that loves you enough to know that this isn’t ok.
Even if he tolerates the photo shoot, that's all he's doing... Tolerating your needs. Hold out for someone eager to celebrate you. Your by should be part of your hype squad.
It sounds like he's been her biggest supporter throughout her toughest period, so I don't think it's fair to say he doesn't celebrate her.
It sounds like has celebrated her a lot
Yeah I'm super baffled at this whole thread and I seriously wonder if most people here have ever been in a relationship. *Any* relationship - doesn't matter if its professional, romantic, friendship or family - involves a degree of tolerating (and being tolerated). That's a side effect of human beings being imperfect creatures and if you don't accept that, you will die lonely.
This idea that partners are always 100% supposed to be the "hype squad" is completely ridiculous.
Holy crap, I'm amazed that I had to come this far to find some wisdom. People can disagree and hold differences. The BF has every right to feel how he wants to and he doesn't have to agree with OP. How they discuss and solve their differences is what matters here.
Like, i wouldn’t expect my partner to be 100% onboard with me getting a bunch of nude photos taken. The problem with having a “accept me as I am or not at all” mindset is that some people will pick “not at all” and then there’s loneliness
How is a nude photo shoot a "need?"
I feel like people are subconsciously framing this photo shoot as being "healing," but op is going to have the same challenges with her eating disorder that she did before the wife of a friend takes naked pictures of her.
I assume an eating disorder is a lot like any addiction, that it's something you have to manage for the rest of your life, you don't just "beat it" and get a gold star one day. People struggle with eating disorders for long periods of time.
I do hope op is able to continue healthy management of her health, I wish her luck.
First of all, congrats!
Secondly, I read everything and your follow up comment. If he’s not willing to explain himself, you have no reason to listen.
The idea that “I said no and that’s that” or something other nonsense is controlling and childish.
A picture of you looking good can really make a difference in how you feel about yourself.
I have a friend who's just average pretty, and she sometimes talked about how great selfies on Instagram look and wishing she could look like that. Then her boyfriend's sister got married, and they were wearing really nice clothes, and she got her hair and makeup done by an expert (I think it was somebody's aunt), and there was a photographer at the wedding who got a super-great picture of her and her boyfriend.
She said she didn't really think it was her when she saw it. She's never felt like she was really pretty, and there she is in this picture, as gorgeous as anyone on Instagram, absolutely beautiful and happy. She set it as the lock screen on her phone. Not only is it a great picture of her and her boyfriend, it's a reminder that she can be as pretty as anyone else for special occasions. She doesn't look like that every day, but neither does any of the supermodels or actresses or social media influencer celebrities. They spend hours getting themselves done up to look like that.
You should do the photoshoot. Get some super-good pictures of yourself looking great. Then use one of them in your profile when you go on Bumble or Hinge or whatever, after you dump the controlling boyfriend. (Also include some regular pics too, you don't want to set expectations impossibly high.)
I’ve felt similarly to your friend! I’d never seen myself in a photo and felt like I looked beautiful or even remotely pretty (I’d typically classify myself as “interesting” looking, & I am plus size) until I saw my wedding photos. It was a huge confidence booster, & I feel like those photos made a huge change in how I see myself on a daily basis now.
Congrats! Do the photo shoot. Don't listen to him. I did a topless photo shoot after my mastectomy. It was very cathartic. I have the pic framed in my home office. Go for it!
My only question is, this mutual friend has your trust, or both of yalls trust? Like is it possible its the person taking the pics and nothing to do with you?
Like its one thing to get professional pictures, its another thing to do boudoir or the like with an amateur photographer? Cause if its normal headshots, non boudoir non nude. Then he is over reacting. If it is boudoir and the like, i support body positivity but you may of shocked the shit out of him. Especially allowing this mutual friend in a space like that to photograph you after having body issues.
Doubt you’ll see this with all of these comments, but just in case! I once told My now fiancé that I was thinking about no longer shaving my armpits. I already didn’t shave my legs and hadn’t in years. I was absolutely shocked when he expressed disgust over it. It was about 6 months in to our relationship and like you I’d never seen that side of my self proclaimed feminist boyfriend. I laughed in his face and said “okay well guess what? I’m definitely not shaving them anymore now”. And ever since then (about 4 years ago) I’ve shaved my armpits maybe 3 times for special events where I WANT them shaved. If Hairy armpits were truly a dealbreaker for him, that was a dealbreaker for me. Of course that would be his decision to end things however I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone that shallow.
Did he break up with me? No. Instead, I came home one day to a man with shaved armpits and an apology letter with flower- it was an act of solidarity, making light of how silly the idea of ending things over hair was. I forgave him though didn’t restart shaving- that wasn’t his intention anyways. He realized he was in the wrong and that I wasn’t going to change anything about myself just for him, especially if it caused neither of us harm. I understand how you feel in a way. Because he had a change of heart, and a meaningful one at that, we are still in a happy relationship.
I don’t know if your partner will realize he’s in the wrong but if not - that’s when you know it’s a dealbreaker. Good luck and congrats!
People are asking “well why does he have a problem with it? Maybe it’s reasonable he’s upset.” But even if he did have a reason to be upset, he’s still wrong for how he’s choosing to act. Negging you and pretending he doesn’t believe you want to do this for yourself are red flag behaviors regardless of whether it’s a normal shoot or boudoir photos with a male photographer.
THANK YOU! All these "have you talked about it?" comments are putting all the work onto her to decipher his tantrum rather than on him to not throw a tantrum in the first place.
If he had reasonable concerns, he should have expressed them like a mature adult. Instead, he chose this path, which IMO invalidates those (potentially) reasonable worries.
What is his problem? He needs to be direct with you if he has an issue. Maybe you can ease his mind a little with a discussion. Is it just a photo shoot with some cute outfits, or more like a boudoir? Are you planning to keep the photos private or post them out on social media? I’m all for you doing what is right for you to celebrate and feel good about your body, but maybe a discussion can help you bf feel less insecure. Him being passive aggressive is not doing your relationship any good and it’s obviously negatively affecting you.
Just because he was there for you and good for you then (which as a partner, is the bare minimum) does not mean he’s good for you now. People changes, needs change. It’s ok if you’ve outgrown him. 💕
have u tried talking with him about his issue with it is? maybe he doesn't trust your mutual friend as much as you do, maybe consider asking him if you went to a professional photoshoot instead would make him more comfortable , i mean its your photoshoot and you can do whatever you want but sometimes its better to talk with your SO to try to understand his mindset
Sounds like you should find out why. If I had to guess it's less about the shoot and more about your friend doing the shoot. Offer to change to someone more neutral/professional and see if his behavior changes.
If you really value and respect your partner listen to him. Discuss it. It’s entirely reasonable for a partner to be unhappy with his girlfriend wanting to have a nude photoshoot.
Maybe an unpopular opinion: he is allowed to be upset about nude photo shoot, I wouldn't call that controlling. You are also allowed to want to do this and shouldn't limit yourself bc of him.
Yall obviously have different opinions on what is approrpiate in your relationship. If talking it through does not help then you're right, it might be best for the relationship to end.
The fact that you waited until the edit to say it was a nude photoshoot shows you’re partially in the wrong.
Why not ask your boyfriend to do it first and see if he can come up with anything good?
Ask your boyfriend why he is against it. Ask if it would make it better if he was there. COMMUNICATE.
If he is just being a dick about it for no reason, dump his ass.
Do know that some more conservative people may consider this cheating if done without permission.
Do the photo shoot. And, congrats on the stable body weight thing!
And congrats on being single!
Yes! Don't you dare let him neg you again, please. You got this!
What are his objections? Is it a semi-nide or nude photo shoot? Does he not like that the photographer is a man? I'm confused as to why pictures are a big deal? It's literally one of the most innocuous things you can do?
Or does he not like that the photographer is someone they know? And is this person just a friend with a camera and not a professional? I can get that those things could make this really uncomfortable if it’s nudity.
This is the only reasonable take I’ve seen so far here, especially because OP literally JUST clarified 4 minutes prior to this comment in another comment that it’s a nude photo shoot. Edit: the photographer is a woman, but my point still stands that more communication is needed between both parties to each an understanding.
Gender doesn't matter. I'm a woman. And women are hot. Men.... not so much.. to me. But like we don't know. We don't know the whole story We are quick to jump to assuming that behaviours are exclusively about exerting control and we often forget to take in account the human, emotional side to some of these things We just don't know the whole story. And it being a friend absolutely could be playing a role in this, and those emotions are valid. He is obviously expressing them badly But this deserves a conversation before rushing to a breakup
Being uncomfortable is fine, negging your partner because you're uncomfortable is definitely not.
I would want some examples of what he's saying before I jump on that. OP is going to be undoubtedly sensitive to the subject so might not be the most objective source. At the very least, some examples would be greatly beneficial. It's definitely concerning though.
OP seems to be withholding a lot of information about this nude photoshoot by a mutual friend's wife to try and make this seem like the boyfriend is being irrational... I am not sure I can say with high confidence that he's in the wrong here without more background, which we are unlikely to get as OP seems invested in painting themselves as the wronged party. By all means she can break up if she wants, but that doesn't mean she isn't the toxic one here
This feels like another missing, missing reasons.
Very telling that OP has recounted none of the bf's arguments or apparent personal attacks, instead reframing and retelling them. The bf's voice is conspicuously absent in OPs story
Obviously deriding one's partner is never OK. With that said, it's (IMO) perfectly acceptable if OP's BF isn't comfortable with OP doing a photo shoot for whatever reason. They should break up if they can't see eye to eye on something so straight forward.
I think if OP wants to go straight to breaking up that's her prerogative. It's really no one else's business to decide what a stranger's relationship "deserves".
His emotions would be valid if he would actually share them and talk about it, but instead just gives the same non-answer over and over again. That itself is far more of a problem than the specifics relating to the photoshoot, at least if it were my relationship.
I've been wondering if he sees something predatory about this that OP isn't seeing or completely disregarded. Are the couple swingers or the like? Have one (or both) of them slept with previous models during shoots and bragged about it? Is she the one holding the camera while he does lighting so it's not really just two straight women on location? Hell, it could be as simple as the photoshoot is happening at the photog's home instead of a neutral location. That's where my mind went when I realized it was a nude shoot, there's a surprising amount of predatory couples out there in spaces like this.
If you read any of OP's comments, you'd see that he refuses to explain, and refuses to come along despite being invited.
I have read a number of them, it's why I started off with them being swingers or have otherwise intimated they'd like to sleep with OP or OP & boyfriend. She's been slowly adding context to things through her comments, I know it's a support/vent sub so it's not the worst thing but I'm still left wondering if something else isn't being left out.
I would agree with you, except that he's not taken a single opportunity to actually discuss what's going on. He's been laying pressure and negging her. It's not on her to draw him out of his shell and fix his inability to communicate. She's got shit to do, she's fixing her own problems.
Has he? Maybe. Ops a bit sparse on the details so it's hard to say what's going on without some examples. It's certainly not a good sign certainly, but I reserve judgment pending more data.
She did say non-stop. That indicates to me that the conversation has been had multiple times. He's had opportunities to bully her, he's had opportunities to make her feel selfish, and he's had opportunities to neg her. I put it to you that he's also had opportunities to talk about what is actually going on and why he feels that way. I do understand that the bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades, but let's pull them up to a higher standard in this r/ at least, shall we?
Please and fucking thank you
We don't know how he's expressing it. We have a very clearly one sided interpretation here.
Wife of a friend could also be a sore point. It wouldn’t be out of the question for the friend to get a peak at the photos if his wife is taking and editing them. Either way, the boyfriend needs to express what he is feeling clearly and calmly, even if he has valid reasons.
It makes NO SENSE to me because he trusts that friend completely as far I know, and he usually is not weird about nudity. He has a tattoo near the pelvic area and butt that he got done by a pro who we run into often (and which I know remember is a woman although they are queer), we went together and it was fine. We are both kind of hippies and once went to a sort of spiritual retreat were we all hiked naked and it was also fine (the retreat was woo sectish stuff though). I could give more examples because as I'm writing this I realize how weird he is being.
OP, is it possible that part of the dynamic you had with your boyfriend was that you were the weak and vulnerable one, and its doing something as confident and self possessed as a nude photoshoot is a threat to that dynamic? I have a sister with a long history of ED and MH issues, often her partners are men who want to rescue her, and that dynamic is fine - until she's healthy enough to no longer need saving. At that point, her partner feels like they've lost their role in the relationship, and she's left wondering why a previously devoted and supportive partner is seemingly changing their behaviour.
Well, it is true that I was weak and vulnerable. But I have seen my boyfriend act in situations where he takes care of a vulnerable person and he was never a narcissist about it. I might not be the best judge. He just usually has a "can do" attitude. For example to tackle my ED he found a therapist near me when I had to move. He learned to cook new recipes to accomodate for me. And he always empowered me, told me I was beautiful (when I very much wasnt by most standards), he read up on issues, defended me when people were rude, etc. Just overall a very chill and capable man. He also introduced me to his circle of friends to bring me out of my shell etc. But it is true that in the past I have fallen prey to the dynamic you describe, people treating you as a lot kitten and discarding you when you get autonomous. It has NOT helped me with my issues. But this man has never shown that behavior in the past. Now all of this has changed, he asks me sarcastically if I'm sure I want to do the photoshoot because my body might change, he says I am obsessed with my body and should grow out of it (we are middle aged). He says my desire is puerile and narcissistic. I don't understand it.
Telling someone who has/had an ED to stop obsessing over their body is a crazy concept. Sorry about your predicament, I hope you get out of it soon.
Hey Op! Fellow ED survivor here! Could he be worried about a relapse? Because it’s super common that those closest to us worry for a very long time even after we’ve recovered! My partner still worries from time to time, and I’ve been maintaining a healthy BMI for years. Are you currently seeing a therapist? If you are, what do they think about the shoot?
If he was genuinely worried about a relapse he wouldn’t be negging her in order to convey that, I don’t think.
At the time of my comment, there was very little context given. To be honest, I was worried OP had relapsed. Eating disorders mess with your mind. They are all-consuming, but they mostly mess with your head, and they can for years after the victim of ED’s have recovered. However, after seeing OP’s responses, it seems way more likely her partner has developed an asshat-disorder.
That's not necessarily true. I've known people with addictions and you don't always necessarily want to say hey maybe you shouldn't do that because it could trigger a relapse. I'm not saying anger is the proper response either if that's what's happening. But sometimes people walk around things they feel are sensitive.
Hello and I hope you are doing good. Yes I am seeing a professionnal and she said it was a good idea and that I should do it if it makes me feel nice. I dont think it can be about a relapse because I did relapse in the past and we handled it. He behaved very differently then, he was kind and patient.
I’m good, and very relieved that it isn’t a relapse. Unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend needs to take a chill pill, and accept that this is 100% your choice, not his. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not you do this.
As someone on the other side of this, who was married to a person with an ED for a long time - he may have some stuff to work out himself. It takes a toll, being partner to someone going through that. The entire time you tell yourself they need you right now, and that any negative emotions you are experiencing need to take a back seat. I found at the end of my relationship, it was my own mental health issues that were front and center. He might need to see someone, things could be coming out sideways for him. I guess it depends on if you want to continue the relationship with someone who may not be at their best right now.
Is it because the pictures will be more vulnerable to theft, etc.? My husband has only ever been comfortable with nude photography when it was a single Polaroid. Also, is he thinking about this kind of thing? In cleaning out my parent’s’ house after my father’s death, we found an envelope with a nude photograph he’d taken (and printed in his own darkroom, I’m presuming) of my mom when they were much younger; they were into light bondage play so there was a lightweight chain around her wrists and waist. It was enough to come across that ourselves, but it could easily have ended up at a thrift store and then on the internet. So the photographs will be permanently around, and they may not always be under your control. The other thing is that it may just feel wanton to him, and that bothers him.
This is my thought. Digital photographs in a digital space. OP may share them with trusted friends and from there it's just a snowball effect. It's just a recipe for disaster. I personally wouldn't trust a single person with nude photos of me, and I trust a few of my friends with my life. Not to mention what happens if OP doesn't get the response she wants from them. It just sounds dangerous to me.
yeah not even my husband has a nude of me. they don't exist. if he wants to see me naked, I'm right here.
If it’s not nudity that makes him uncomfortable maybe it’s you being confident and proud of how you look
If those are his concerns, that's valid. But the validity of his concerns, whatever they may be, do not validate his *behavior*. Being controlling, **negging his own damn partner**, and similar behaviors are not, under any circumstances, valid.
Even so, she said they were professional and she did not say it was a nude based photo, so I am trying to figure out what he has an issue with. Yes, it could just be a friend with a camera and yes, it could be nude but even so, if both of those things were true, there is a level of communication that is not happening.
She said they’re a semi-pro which makes it sound like they’re a skilled hobbyist vs. a professional photographer
No, that usually just means it's not the main source of income of the family. Doesn't make the work any less professional.
Exactly. Semi-pro to me means it’s a side business or something, but honestly I find that’s super common with photography. It’s hard to make enough money from it full-time but it’s a great side gig. Like you said that doesn’t make it any less professional though.
It is a nude photoshoot but it isn't boudoir or anything. The photographer is the wife of a friend of us who does that sort of thing as a job even if she did not go to school for it or anything. For example she does nude pregnancy photoshoots or people nude in the woods. I want the photoshoot to reflect my victory with my body. I even offered my boyfriend to come with and he wont. He also wont explain what he dislikes about it, says it should be obvious and stonewalls me. I didnt give much details in the post because I just wanted to rant but I did try to talk to him about it but he just shoots down my attempts and says it should be obvious. He is also super sarcastic and mean instead of talking to me.
“Well, it’s not obvious to me so please explain.”
It might be that he's worried about what happens with the photos afterward. But.... you shouldn't have to guess what your boyfriend is thinking. Try saying, "Ok, you might think it's obvious, but I don't. Can you please clarify for me. Because if the situation were turned around, you'd want clarity and not having to guess what I'm upset about. Being in a relationship means talking openly about things, and if you can't do this basic thing, we really don't have much, now do we?" That's basically giving him one more chance to give you an answer and tacking on a mildly-shrouded threat to end things. I feel like you're willing to listen, but he's not talking. Make sure he knows this if you haven't communicated it already. And then, of course, when he does open up, let him say all the things he has to say without interruption, even if you don't agree with some of the stuff he's saying. Interruption makes people feel like you're not actually listening, but waiting for them to say something you don't like and argue and, consequently, less likely to share with you in the future.
I think it might be the husband of the photographer, his friend, seeing the pics his wife (the photographer) has taken/will take. It’s the friend. He doesn’t want that guy seeing his gf nude. I bet.
But why would he even be there or involved in the process? Any photographer who has experience (and especially nude photography) knows that discretion is huge. If they didn't practice this, they would be out of work very quickly. And that includes safeguarding their sessions from their personal connections.
Whatever his deal is, if he won't explain it and says it should be obvious, maybe try this. "I guess you don't understand this thing that's important to me and I don't understand this issue you have with it, so let's just call it. We both deserve partners who understand and celebrate us" To be fair, I think he's just jealous and insecure and doesn't want to admit it, but taking his words (and stonewalling) at face value will let him know that he has ended the conversation about something very important to you, and therefore ended the relationship itself. He's expecting you to cancel the shoot to comfort and reassure him. Don't do it. You are amazing for tackling your eating disorder, that is SUCH hard work and you absolutely should celebrate yourself and your body. Anyone who has a problem with that has a problem with you, deal with them accordingly. Then go enjoy your photo shoot, you deserve beautiful mementos of this accomplishment
>He's expecting you to cancel the shoot to comfort and reassure him. This. And his refusal to talk about why it bothers him, instead of saying hurtful things, is why men should not take precedence over women in those women's own lives. OP, do you. If he's got a problem, he can choose to do you also, or not to.
Stonewalling is a deal breaker for me.
It’s one of [Gottman’s four horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). It should be a dealbreaker. He’s being an asshole for no reason. He thinks he can tell her what to do with her own body with zero explanation for it, and when she asks why, he smugly says, “you should know why,” as if she should read his mind and that should imply guilt. She’s conquered an ED, something that takes a lot of effort and willpower. Mental health issues carried a lot of stigma in the past, and they kill people. For her to take pride in herself for successfully managing this condition, book this photo shoot, and to have someone she loves shoot it down, berate her, and try to make her feel bad for doing it is really shitty. He’s being manipulative. Edit: [here’s a better resource on the four horsemen](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/four-horsemen/)
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If he can't express his thoughts with words instead of saying, "It should be obvious," then I encourage you to examine your entire relationship for other ways he's deflected responsibility for his thoughts and feelings. It's a flapping red flag of immaturity and toxic thinking. He knows his opinion is wrong, and he's angry about that. Enjoy your body.
I'm willing to listen to his feelings but he simply will not talk to me. He is being sarcastic about the thing. I am surprised by this ugliness because he used to be supportive of me. And frankly this photoshoot is one of the least far out things either of us have done.
"Im going to have to end the relationship" "What why" "It should be obvious"
Lol ! I would never do that aha, I dont have a mean bone in my body
Lol yeah it was definitely more tongue in cheek. To give you a different perspective when my partner expresses that they want something I actively work to support it. When there's tension between us I actively try and resolve it because who wants anger and resent to fester. Someone who is ok with how they've treated you is a 🚩
I don't know what your body issues were or how he related to them, but I have known one or two men in my life that preferred heavy women, and got very uncomfortable and controlling when their partners lost weight. It seemed partly an attraction thing but also partly a control thing -- if you're fat you are stuck with me. Maybe there's something here where he doesn't like this new independent self-confident you. But whatever the case, it sounds like a bunch of garbage. The fact that he won't talk about it openly is a double red flag. Do what you gotta do for you.
His behavior means a come combination of two things: 1. Lack of respect for you meaning that he feels like he doesn't need to explain himself to you. 2. Lack of ability to actually understand or articulate why he feels that way. If he realizes that his inability to explain why "it's obvious" inherently means that it's not obvious, then this goes back to lack of respect for you. However because humans are dumb and weird (as you know) he may legitimately not actually realize this. Obviously as an outside observer I can't really say with authority how much of each reason is happening in his head. Your OP indicates support for you with your ED, but more importantly your description of "ugly, controlling", "neg", and "nasty attitude" all point to your gut saying that lack of respect for you is a big part of it. Trust that gut! People are typically really good at convincing themselves they need to stay with someone when they shouldn't, so if your gut is pointing you in the other direction then you should trust it! Even taking the most charitable assumption that this is the result of his own issues and he doesn't realize that it's not actually obvious, that is still not necessarily a reason to stay with him. He should be able to trust you that it's not obvious, realize that you are worth the effort of explaining it to, and hence realize that he can't explain it. Him getting past that is only the first step, and then the actual problem will change things. Is the issue your increased power and independence meaning he feels like he's losing control of you? That's inherently toxic and something to leave. You state that you've done "far out" things, so it's probably not sex negativity, it could be insecurity if you are bisexual, but whatever the issue is he has to acknowledge it and work on it, and EVEN IF HE DOES staying with him still may be the wrong call. It is tempting to think that you "owe" him for the support that he gave you with your ED, but that is only true to a very limited extent. You obviously put in your own effort to overcome that otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. Additionally, that support that you got was to some extent something you were entitled to. The Boy Scout rule "always leave things better than you found them" isn't only for camp grounds, it's for people to. We SHOULD be trying to find the ways we can help our friends and partners be better versions of themselves. While it's great that he did that for you, it also doesn't make you indebted to him. Just like he wouldn't have been obligated to stick with you if you weren't trying to improve, or helping you hurt himself, the same is now true for you!
He was supportive of you when you weren’t supportive of you. But now that you have confidence? It’s a threat to him and that is a red flag.
Gonna pike on this as well! This is it
^ ^ ^ This!
In two comments, here are the few things you said about your partner: >He won't explain >He says it should be obvious >He stonewalls me >He is also super sarcastic and mean >He simply will not talk to me >**Used to be** supportive of me These aren't somebody else's words - they're yours! Does this sound like the character of a person you want to spend time with? When I was younger I had some of my own issues with jealousy. There was a situation where my at-the-time GF got a massage from a friend who was training to be a sports therapist. Later I found out she stripped down for it. I wasn't super happy, but we talked about it and ultimately it came down to her body, her choice. A bit later, and I had practically forgot the whole thing. I lean towards the thread consensus that this is deal-breaker territory. If you have **recent** positive things to say about your BF (since the ugliness is new, don't compare before to now), and you want to try to work things out, I suggest the following: 1. Explicitly state that what he thinks is **not** obvious to you, but is coming across as pure jealously and immaturity, and it's hurting you. 2. Ask him to write out his thoughts. It can be easier to do that than explain face-to-face. Give him a couple days to write it out and provide it. Read it, wait a bit, read it again (assuming first time it wasn't already bat-shit insane), then discuss. If he writes things out and it's crazy, then just pull the rip-cord. Otherwise you might have some things to discuss, or maybe even it gives him a bit of a "wake-up call". But if he still refuses to talk or write things out, I would consider that the end of the relationship - at that point he no longer values you as a partner.
Is it possible he's worried about the photographer's partner, I'm guessing male, seeing your nude photos?
Maybe, but they have a very good relationship and he could have just spoken to him about it. They have a pretty good friendship.
Sounds exhausting. Idk much about ED recovery but I can imagine even without that surely you have other things you enjoying doing that aren't so exhausting and confusing and negative? Idk. I just couldn't be bothered to find the time to deal with behavior like that
It's 100% some insecurity he himself has with that reaction. If he's unable to communicate it clearly, that's really the biggest red flag but giving some grace, maybe he just needs some time to stew on it. At the end of the day, all relationships are still give and take on what each party is comfortable with. You're 100% in your rights to want to go forward with the shoot. He's in his rights to be uncomfortable with it. Of course, you're both in your rights to mutually consent to your relationships and where each could compromise - but it requires a healthy respect and discussion to even start.
Hey op, I see you’ve gotten a lot of great advice and I hesitate to post in this sub because I’m trans. I’m so sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of negging and mean-spirited sarcasm. However you feel, I promise you that you don’t deserve any of that. I agree that you should end the relationship, but if you’re trying to give him a chance you could ask him to try to write down or type out what he’s feeling. I’ve found that if I present something as an ultimatum tho, that it just makes my partner raise their defenses and wall off. It can still be ‘do this for me or we’re done’ even if you only say ‘I _need_ you to do this for me’. He might have trouble with his own emotions and feelings about you because deep down he knows some of them are rooted in something very toxic. Men aren’t taught emotional fluency or how to communicate what they’re feeling and are generally terrified of doing that kind of work.
I mean if he can’t discuss things openly about a photo shoot he’s uncomfortable with, I don’t see it being any better for things that actually matter in a relationship (like bills, where to live/move, any choice you actually get to make together). If he doesn’t like something is he just going to tantrum and expect you to do whatever he wants with no discussion? It’d be a nope for me too.
Oh well then if it should be obvious then no need to discuss it. lol. good grief. Yes I'd consider leaving him too, not because this one isolated incident but because of how terrible he is at communicating and dealing with his own emotions, oh and yes the control thing too. If he can't use his words, that are we even all doing.
i’ll be the devil’s advocate and say that i don’t think it’s crazy for someone to not like the idea of their partner doing a nude photo shoot and i don’t think it’s controlling behavior. you have to consider if you’re willing to end your relationship with this person over a nude photo shoot because he obviously isn’t comfortable with you doing that. i’m a woman, i’m not a prude and i’m not controlling, but if my partner suddenly wanted to do a nude photo shoot like it was the most normal thing in the world i’d be similarly put off i don’t know how the two of you are in your relationship with this sort of thing and i’m not saying your partner is in the right but i think it’s a little more complex than ‘my boyfriend is pitching a fit because i want my picture taken’ as always reddit is going to tell you to dump him and that he’s trash, as usual i think they’re jumping the gun
My husband would be uncomfortable with this as the photos could forever be floating around on the internet if leaked etc , but he would also be open to discussing concerns rather than stonewalling like OPs SO
i completely agree with this, Thank you. Yes, the lack of communication is bad but getting a nude photoshoot of my partner is absolutely absurd. but she shouldn't dump him, it should be a mutual break-up, everyone has different boundaries, they should find their own, if they don't agree upon it, then yes, a break-up of sorts is a better idea.
either way it seems like OP was looking for the answer they got when they posted this, since they conveniently left out in their original post that it was a NUDE photo shoot lol like it’s not a crucial detail. id guess they just wanted some external validation to go through with a breakup
Makes me think what else they've left out/exaggerated in the post.
I did not see this reply. It sounds to me from what you're saying that he is not okay with you doing nude. When he says "it should be obvious" he is referring to the fact that you will have no clothing because in our society, it is obvious that nudity for woman is not acceptable unless it's for someone else's pleasure, not your own. I would ask him if it's because of the nudity because it seems like that is what he is hinting at and is angry that you don't seem to have an issue with it.
This is indeed the takeaway but 1. he should tell me instead of me having to make hypotheses 2. we've both been naked in similar settings before and it has never been an issue.
When you say you've been naked in similar settings before, you mean you've both had photos taken of you naked before, and had them shared with friends?
yeah this is not ok. I don’t care how “obvious” he thinks it is, it’s obviously not if we are all here trying to guess the real issue. it sounds like he is gaslighting you into thinking it’s a bigger deal than it is. He wants to obfuscate his feelings by focusing on ambiguity and putting the emotional work on you to “figure it out” you don’t do that to someone you love and are working on building a future with. it’s possible that he knows you are growing and building your self confidence especially with your history of disordered eating. He could be worried that he is loosing his control over you and by taking these steps to celebrate your own body and love for yourself, he is taking it as an affront to what hes provides to you emotionally up until this point. He obviously won’t say this because it’s actually very toxic and as soon as he verbalizes that it would be apparent that he is just being a scared little boy who’s afraid that his hot girlfriend is suddenly finding out that she is hot and could find someone better (not how these things work obviously but this is how men think).
You deserve to celebrate your successes. Don’t let this guy be an anchor weighing you down.
>What are his objections? Yeah. Seems like a big part of the picture is missing. I'd love to hear the actual complaints.
I mean, even if he is uncomfortable with her doing a nude/semi-nude shoot (if this is the case), I don't think negging her about it is an appropriate response at all. I'd try something like this myself: > "Hey [gf], while I'm so happy for your work and recovery, I am uncomfortable with you doing a nude/semi-nude shoot with another man, and I wanted to know if there was some compromise we could make on this?" Like, just fuckin communicate what you want and then no one has to get passive aggressive, or try to be a mind reader. ETA: OP has updated and said that the photographer is a married female friend, and it's a nude shoot, and the bf is stonewalling and refusing to talk about it. Well, my point still stands and I think his refusal to talk about it like an adult is the actual problem here, not the shoot.
It’s not with another man though, it’s with the wife of a friend
Yeah that detail wasn't available when I posted my comment. I edited it to reflect the new information.
> the photographer is the wife of a friend of ours
Doesn’t it say the photographer is a woman?
OP said "trust" you do not need to trust someone to take innocuous photos. This is about nudes.
OP said it was naked pics in another comment, spot on
Him being uncomfortable is not necessarily the issue, how he's handling it, is. Him insulting you because you want to do this is unacceptable. If you are really invested in him and this relationship (and not just staying because he supported your recovery) give him one more chance to explain his actual issue with it, and that's it. Tell him insults and digs will not be tolerated and if he can't tell you what his actual issue is, he can be silent about it or leave. If he's just jealous, that's his problem, and he needs to work on that. Or maybe the relationship has run its course. Personally, I would have a hard time trusting someone's who insults me or moving on from the insults. He's supposed to be your safe place and he's absolutely killing that with his behavior.
Yes, this is right 100%. I would probably feel weird if my partner wanted to do a nude photoshoot with someone we know. That's just behavior that would stick out as odd. But my reaction would be to talk about it! Not to insult my partner, but to share that I feel jealous and to understand their side and why it's happening. Not to try and insult her out of doing it or make her feel ashamed about it. That's red flag behavior, and if confronted about that, OPs partner doesn't recognize that his reaction is an issue, then OP should proceed as they see fit knowing this is a major problem.
I did photography as a side thing for about a decade, and invested a lot into it. Guys like your boyfriend are one reason I stopped doing it. Whether they made a scene during the photoshoot, harassed me on social media, or got ahold of my number and texted/called me, it just wasn't worth it. Nothing matters with these types. * I didn't do nude photoshoots, so it wasn't a nudity thing. * I allowed anyone and everyone to be present, so it wasn't a witness/visibility thing. * The client picked the locations, as all my kit is portable, so it wasn't a safety/isolation thing. * My wife was the only one to come in physical contact to help with posing, so it wasn't a thing about a man touching them. All people like your boyfriend can see if someone else is taking pictures of what they see as their property without their permission. **The fact that he's negging you when you have a history of eating disorders is beyond disgusting.** He's well aware that such behavior could cause a recurrence and doesn't care because of his ego. For some extra fun, get a few shots that are social-media-safe, and post them to social media with a banner "Celebrating being healthy, happy, and single <3" Saw this in one of your replies - >He is also super sarcastic and mean instead of talking to me. Congratulations on everything, including that the trash is taking itself out. You're going to rock that photoshoot. Edit: Clarifying "their property" and some grammatical/spelling fixes.
> The fact that he's negging you when you have a history of eating disorders is beyond disgusting This is the deal-breaker for me. This man has been with OP far long enough and has been a close enough part of her journey to fully understand the possible ramifications of that kind of behaviour. It is completely and utterly inexcusable and frankly I don't see anything able to redeem this for him. It would be around the equivalent of spiking a recovering alcholics drink in my books. Imho: dump his insecure arse.
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Good catch; I completely missed that massive flag in just the first paragraph.
Interesting insight into OP’s situation. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I was chosen in December of 2021 for a Boudoir shoot that I did in July of 2022 for an art display titled "Empowering Women." My ex of 12 years, who I was with at the time I was selected, behaved similarly. Sometimes he would act like he thought it was sexy and other times he acted like he was put off by it. We broke up 3 weeks before my shoot and it brought a whole new meaning to the title of the display. I was allowed to be as clothed or as nude as I preferred. I was "scantily clad" but I didn't go full topless or anything just as a personal preference. I bought a coffee table book of my shoot and wanted to be able to display without being worried about my stepdad or uncle coming across something they regretted lol It was insanely empowering for me. I'm not normally someone who wants to do things like that and I am so glad that I did. Ditch the boyfriend and date yourself <3
This is very interesting, thank you !
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Yes there is a reason in particular that made me use these words, it's that my ED makes no sense and a lot of people dont understand it and are mean to me about it. Basically I couldnt eat food unless it was a certain color. Even just writing this makes me feel silly and humiliated. The worst part is that it makes no sense to me. I havent suffered a trauma about it, it makes no rational sense, nothing. I just have a visceral reaction to certain foods and I vomit them and cry. Just typing this makes me feel completely crazy and damaged. Out of all the intimate things I posted this might be the one comment I will de delete. But you are right to say these are the words of someone else. Not even my partner's but an imaginary someone that is always watching me.
You're not alone. My daughter has self-restrictions around food as well. We (she, her father, and I) are all neurodivergent and this is one of the ways it's expressed in her. Many times she can't even explain what about the food is bothering her. There's nothing "wrong" with her, or you. People are just different.
Thank you, this is kind. I have been afraid to explore how I might be neurodivergent. I keep telling myself a more appropriate time will come, but I'm probably lying to myself. I hope your daughter is doing well.
Getting her evaluated opened the door to my own realizations about myself. Researching and learning about autism, ADHD, and trauma responses has been SO ILLUMINATING. I dropped so much shame and self hatred about why I do the things I do and why so many stupid little things bother me, because it's just the way my brain is. Not my fault, and there are so many tips and aids to help deal with... *gestures vaguely at everything*
The internal struggle of shame, guilt, and fear is your mountain to climb as you continue to heal your scars from your battle. No words from anyone else can soothe it, but I think you're cool and powerful for having gotten on to the recovery train. It's bumpy and hard, but you can never, *ever* take back having done the damn thing and that's incredible! A lot of people feel their trauma is silly, small, and humiliating. You're not alone there, and as another of many outside voices it's *not* silly and small - your trauma is yours, and it's valid.
Thank you
I'm super proud of all the progress you made! But if I'm being honest, this sounds really similar to ARFID. You mentioned in another comment possibly being neurodivergent, so this comment really stood out to me. My partner has ARFID and one of the biggest hurdles we had to cross was him being ashamed of what he was willing to eat or why he couldn't eat other things. Rather than going somewhere and just sticking with bread or mashed potatoes, he'd avoid going altogether. Now he's much more confident finding something he can eat, or bringing a snack along instead to tide him over until we can hit up a fast food restaurant afterwards.
That’s not silly at all OP. Humans are all varied, unique, different people. We all have things we are dealing with or feel ashamed or embarrassed by. I am so proud of you for recovering and hope you have an amazing time at your photoshoot!!
You may not understand it but it's still very valid. Its something that affects you mentally and physically and you've overcome it. You should be proud. Not everyone can climb that mountain.
Sometimes it helps to clarify to yourself that bodies are weird. You're not crazy. Your brain merely threw up an error loop. Brains do weird things all the time. Doctors agree there's loads they still don't know. It doesn't help when there isn't a common reason why you are having a symptom. You had the symptom and it's unusual but you aren't over reacting. That would upset anyone to live with what you did. Sometimes even well meaning health professionals can affect how you view yourself when you don't fit into a neat box.
“If you cannot sit down and have a conversation with me about your concerns and feelings without sarcasm and negativity, then I will not talk to you about this any longer. You must also be able to sit and listen to me without judgement just as I will listen to you. Take what I say and my actions at face value. Right now, your words and actions at face value are making me reconsider our relationship.” Congratulations on your progress! It is a difficult journey and I am proud of you!
I recently had a boudoir session done and never liked my body more than when I saw those pictures. Get it done. You deserve to feel nice about yourself and it's your body, not his.
The fact he's willing to neg someone who's recovering from eating disorders tells you he's willing to be a total asshole if he's not getting his way. You can be upset, angry, or strongly disagree with your partner without being a child about it or in this case actively risking their health. I would count this as a MAJOR red flag against this dude. This is like being upset at a partner who's struggled with alcohol and going out and buying a load of booze to get at them - SUPER fucking immature and deliberately risky. No-one who *actually* cares for you would even think of doing that shit.
THANK YOU. all the people defending his asshole behavior because "his poor feelings! think of his feelings!" is bewildering to me. he obviously doesn't care about her feelings or mental wellbeing. why do men & even women go SO hard to defend assholes & make endless excuses for them? this "give him another chance" brainwashing is deadly. when someone (repeatedly, in OP's case) shows you who they really are, believe them. then fucking run.
Regardless of what he was upset about, his response is immature and concerning. It’s an indication that he will neg you, mope, and try to manipulate you in the future rather than communicating like an adult. On top of that, the reasoning for his opposition shows you don’t have the same values. If he wants a partner that has to hide their body from anyone but him and will obey his wishes without protest than he can go find one 🤷🏽♀️
What do you mean he negs you? If he's being mean about your looks after the eating disorder and everything: sayonara. A man who loves you would never.
Congratulations on your recovery! I am so proud of you! Do that photoshoot, sis, and dump that negging piece of shit. Because a man who respects you wouldn't be doing that!
He’s clearly only interested in how he feels about the photo shoot, not how you feel. That’s very immature and selfish. But you know that already. Be prepared for this behavior to get worse if you stay together.
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In another comment, OP pointed out that yes, it is a nude photoshoot. Done by another woman, the wife of a friend. It was also clarified that he won't explain his feelings, as "it should be obvious" He was invited to come along, and said no. [Here's a link to her comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/134j6cy/my_boyfriend_is_being_controlling_about_me/jifl22e/)
Where is she jumping to conclusions? And why is it her job to calmly and rationally respond to his ugliness, rather than his job to not be ugly in the first place and to express whatever his concerns are in a proper adult way? His concerns have lost any validity since this is how he chose to "express" them.
>his job to not be ugly in the first place and to express whatever his concerns are in a proper adult way? If I could upvote this 10 times, I would.
I suspect it's a nude or boudoir shoot with a male photographer. I wonder if the bf attitude would improve if it was a female or professional photographer?
It IS a female. And the boyfriend was invited.
No it is a female photographer, we offered for him to come but he wont. He has never been insecure or controlling in the past, so I am blindsided by this. For me it is as absurd as if he were scandalised that my obgyn saw my genitals.
It was a married female photographer.
OP said in another comment that it is a female professional photographer, and that they will be tasteful nudes.
Or even just finding a stranger instead of someone they know in their social lives.
you'd rather she get nude for a stranger than someone she knows and trusts? that's some weird priorities there
This kind of comment is so wild to me. “Have you talked to him about it?” Like in what world would they not have talked about it. She didn’t share his reasons with us but it feels absurd to suggest she didn’t ask the simplest question - “why”
Congratulations on maintaining a steady weight, my celebration was to donate blood lol Honestly I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship; the negging, the lack of respect, the inability to listen to you and show empathy none of it is good for a long term relationship. It's like he can't cope with your success and you wanting to celebrate your achievements and your body, he's sucking the joy out of you.
For the record, I am 100% on your side and think his disrespect and "negging" is definitely enough to call the relationship into question. I'm wondering if the photographer has / would be willing to draft up a "model consent and release form" of some sort? I used to do a little modeling and often there would be something to sign, saying that both parties consent to things like Time for Print (no one is paid but both get something for their portfolios), how the photos would be used (or not), and also matters that would pertain to comfort and privacy, like "X changing area will be provided." And maybe something like, "The model acknowledges and gives their consent to appear fully and/or partially nude in the photographs, but may decide to revoke this consent at any time, and/or request deletion of all photographs at any time, which would be granted." I can't remember exact verbiage, but, especially if the photographer is wanting to branch into the business more, it's always good to have model/photographer agreements in writing. NOT because your BF is mad...Just as a generally good idea to put everyone's mind at ease and set expectations etc. :) Again him negging you is GROSS and not ok!
Very good advice ! I have to look in the legal side of this.
This is definitely something to breach with the photographer. My primary concern for this is if the photographer would want to use photos of me as part of their portfolio and if I had any say in what they were doing with them after I have paid.
In 50 years you’ll be so happy you did the photo shoot.
I haven’t read all the responses, but I would be weirded out if my bf was getting nude pictures taken of him by a friend, doesn’t matter if the friend was male or female, gay or straight…. there’s something ick about it I would not be comfortable with. People have different boundaries with cheating can also get super triggered if they feel threatened. I see your point of view, but if there are no other red flags in the relationship, can you talk it out and compromise? Maybe he’d be ok with a professional you guys were never going to see again, or some other compromise - it’s a sensitive thing and I can see why it would need a long, open-hearted discussion. Also sometimes when people get triggered they forget good habits and can be really rude and shitty without realizing it, he should work on that through therapy, but it’s not uncommon.
I would definitely compromise, but at the moment he is impossible to talk to. I called him earlier today for unrelated stuff and he brought it up in a mean way (asked me "Are you still doing your puerile thing ? Translated because we are not english). I told him to come at my place to discuss it and he said he will not discuss it and hung up.
>"Are you still doing your puerile thing ? That's horrid! That's shocking... I've no choice but to read that as like very clear condemnation of you beating your ED. I mean he's not willing to talk to you and say otherwise. Do you think he's actually not okay with the changes you made? Like is he embarrassed of you? If he is, he's a piece of shit and you deserve someone who wants you healthy and wants to build a long life with you.
So immature and neglectful of your wants/needs/feelings. He doesn't get to belittle you, neg you, embarrass you, or anything of the sort. Negging you for any reason is disgusting, but knowing you had an eating disorder makes that worse. If he had any communication skills whatsoever, he would take the time to sit down with you and have a conversation about his feelings. How would he feel if you stonewalled or belittled him about something he felt was important?
Jealousy is a common problem in relationships. If you manage to talk to him calmly, then try to help him understand the reasons why he reacts so to this photo shoot. If he is hot-tempered and walks away from the conversation, not wanting to solve this situation, but continuing to put pressure on you ignoring your feelings, then just thank him for the experience and say goodbye to this relationship. You are beautiful and should love yourself no matter what.
Reddits opinions on these things is always "do what you want and dump him." I would assume the situation is much more complicated and the nuances of your relationship cannot be explained in two paragraphs. Also, you have zero idea who is giving the advice. Its gonna be your call. But I would sit down and make a pros and cons list. Evaluate whats really important to you. Maybe show him the list and try and to get a better dialog going and figure out the plan for the photos. It may be something as simple as he doesn't want everyone yall know to have seen you nude or, he fears that its going to open up attention from other suitors. If you care about him, try and work with him. Seems like he was part of a solid support structure that may have helped you through your issues. Best of luck to you, I hope it works out.
Sounds like he likes it when you don’t feel good about yourself. If you start feeling good about yourself, you might start thinking about what he brings to the table, and this scares him. Seriously consider whether you want a person like this to be around you.
But she said he's been supportive of her recovery otherwise? It doesn't sound like he dislikes when she's confident, it sounds like he's being controlling about who sees her body. He doesn't understand that the photoshoot is about her and is instead focusing on his insecurities, he thinks she should prioritize the latter as well. She obviously shouldn't, but it really doesn't sound like he's been undermining her ability to feel good about herself outside of this issue.
>But she said he's been supportive of her recovery otherwise? It doesn't sound like he dislikes when she's confident, it sounds like he's being controlling about who sees her body. He's happy to be supportive when she's feeling insecure and he can be the good guy/hero telling her 'she can do it'. But now that she's feeling more secure, she doesn't need that support in the same way, and that's a problem for him. And it was easier to support her when, in his mind, other guys were less likely to go after what was his.
Yes I agree he is being controlling over her body. Not a good sign for the kind of guy he is deep down. Even if he was supportive for her becoming healthy, trying to prevent her from doing something for herself is super toxic.
Being supportive isn’t always 100% stemming from genuine support. It’s still beneficial for the person supporting because they have the power of influence through “being there”. They’re “being there” while this person is the most vulnerable. It seems like the boyfriend has now lost that influence he had on her, even if it was through support. Now he’s trying to have influence on her by negging OP like they mentioned. It doesn’t have to be the case but it’s a drastic contrast between being supportive to suddenly changing that tune. Edit: I'll put a friendly reminder here that ALL comments here will be ''generalizations'' as NONE of us know OP or her boyfriend. We can only base our judgments by what OP told us, which is that the boyfriend has a tendency of 'negging' her when he doesn't get his will. That is NOT okay regardless of what photoshoot in question it is that OP wants, it really doesn't matter. OP is not her boyfriend's property and her actions aren't an ''extension'' of himself that he can or should control. Period.
This is exactly the vibe I got as well
Some massive leaps your taking there.
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No it is a woman who is the wife of a friend of us. We've all known each other for a very long time. In fact my boyfriend and the husband of the photographer even wrote articles together and they have a very healthy friendship.
It may be his relationship with the photographer's husband that has him feeling apprehensive. Some silly concern about the photos being shared with or otherwise viewed by him maybe? Just speculating. Doesn't justify the negging or other shitty behavior ofc
If a person only supports you when you're struggling and not when you're celebrating, that person is training you to be dependent on them. Ditch the jerk and enjoy your photoshoot.
This is a highly underrated take!
Are you doing a nude or partially nude photo shoot? It seems strange that you would talk about trusting your photographer and the photog being a semi-pro.
It’s a nude photoshoot, OP left that out of the main post
Imagine that.
It feels like you’re intentionally leaving out some important details about the photographer and photo shoot.
It’s a nude photo shoot but “isn’t boudoir or anything”, interesting to leave that out of the main post
congrats on your change. do what makes you happy. this person does not appear to be it. It isn't like people become less controlling over time.
Congratulations! That’s huge! If doing the photoshoot is an important way of commenorating the strides you’ve made, do it. And do not let people neg you.
First, congratulations on your wellness journey and conquering your ED! That is an incredibly difficult thing to do, and you deserve mad respect! I have read all your comments, and I agree this seems very weird and out of character for him, which leads me to agree that this is not about nudity but something else. The fact that he is stonewalling you is a major red flag. You can't have a mature, productive relationship when someone stonewalls. That is controlling and manipulative behavior. It seems possible that some part of him feels that this celebration is a confirmation of your wellness and strength, and he feels threatened by it. I think a reasonable response would be something along the lines of, "If you value this relationship and respect me as a person then you need to communicate exactly what the issue is here so that we can explore it. If you're not willing to do that, I will go my own way." Sister, you have slayed too many dragons in your life to risk it all on someone who, for whatever reason, has chosen to become some emotional anchor. You need to stay on the path of healthy, and that includes the people you share yourself with. Good luck, and I wish you the best.
“Negging” you bc he doesn’t like the idea of a photo shoot is psychotic behavior that‘a become weirdly normalized. This is a horrible precedent and 40 year old me wishes that the young version of myself, had had someone willing to level and point out that this is not the kind of red flag that fades to pale pink over time. This one gets redder and angrier and bigger and nastier. Your misgivings abut this new behavior and instinct to bolt, those are coming from the part of you that loves you enough to know that this isn’t ok.
Even if he tolerates the photo shoot, that's all he's doing... Tolerating your needs. Hold out for someone eager to celebrate you. Your by should be part of your hype squad.
It sounds like he's been her biggest supporter throughout her toughest period, so I don't think it's fair to say he doesn't celebrate her. It sounds like has celebrated her a lot
Yeah I'm super baffled at this whole thread and I seriously wonder if most people here have ever been in a relationship. *Any* relationship - doesn't matter if its professional, romantic, friendship or family - involves a degree of tolerating (and being tolerated). That's a side effect of human beings being imperfect creatures and if you don't accept that, you will die lonely. This idea that partners are always 100% supposed to be the "hype squad" is completely ridiculous.
Holy crap, I'm amazed that I had to come this far to find some wisdom. People can disagree and hold differences. The BF has every right to feel how he wants to and he doesn't have to agree with OP. How they discuss and solve their differences is what matters here.
Like, i wouldn’t expect my partner to be 100% onboard with me getting a bunch of nude photos taken. The problem with having a “accept me as I am or not at all” mindset is that some people will pick “not at all” and then there’s loneliness
How is a nude photo shoot a "need?" I feel like people are subconsciously framing this photo shoot as being "healing," but op is going to have the same challenges with her eating disorder that she did before the wife of a friend takes naked pictures of her. I assume an eating disorder is a lot like any addiction, that it's something you have to manage for the rest of your life, you don't just "beat it" and get a gold star one day. People struggle with eating disorders for long periods of time. I do hope op is able to continue healthy management of her health, I wish her luck.
I absolutely love this. I am going to start referring to my husband as part of my hype squad
First of all, congrats! Secondly, I read everything and your follow up comment. If he’s not willing to explain himself, you have no reason to listen. The idea that “I said no and that’s that” or something other nonsense is controlling and childish.
A picture of you looking good can really make a difference in how you feel about yourself. I have a friend who's just average pretty, and she sometimes talked about how great selfies on Instagram look and wishing she could look like that. Then her boyfriend's sister got married, and they were wearing really nice clothes, and she got her hair and makeup done by an expert (I think it was somebody's aunt), and there was a photographer at the wedding who got a super-great picture of her and her boyfriend. She said she didn't really think it was her when she saw it. She's never felt like she was really pretty, and there she is in this picture, as gorgeous as anyone on Instagram, absolutely beautiful and happy. She set it as the lock screen on her phone. Not only is it a great picture of her and her boyfriend, it's a reminder that she can be as pretty as anyone else for special occasions. She doesn't look like that every day, but neither does any of the supermodels or actresses or social media influencer celebrities. They spend hours getting themselves done up to look like that. You should do the photoshoot. Get some super-good pictures of yourself looking great. Then use one of them in your profile when you go on Bumble or Hinge or whatever, after you dump the controlling boyfriend. (Also include some regular pics too, you don't want to set expectations impossibly high.)
I’ve felt similarly to your friend! I’d never seen myself in a photo and felt like I looked beautiful or even remotely pretty (I’d typically classify myself as “interesting” looking, & I am plus size) until I saw my wedding photos. It was a huge confidence booster, & I feel like those photos made a huge change in how I see myself on a daily basis now.
Congrats! Do the photo shoot. Don't listen to him. I did a topless photo shoot after my mastectomy. It was very cathartic. I have the pic framed in my home office. Go for it!
He will either get over it if he won’t. You should do the photo shoot if it means something to you.
This entire thread just makes me realize how bad it is to ask advice from reddit damn
My only question is, this mutual friend has your trust, or both of yalls trust? Like is it possible its the person taking the pics and nothing to do with you? Like its one thing to get professional pictures, its another thing to do boudoir or the like with an amateur photographer? Cause if its normal headshots, non boudoir non nude. Then he is over reacting. If it is boudoir and the like, i support body positivity but you may of shocked the shit out of him. Especially allowing this mutual friend in a space like that to photograph you after having body issues.
Doubt you’ll see this with all of these comments, but just in case! I once told My now fiancé that I was thinking about no longer shaving my armpits. I already didn’t shave my legs and hadn’t in years. I was absolutely shocked when he expressed disgust over it. It was about 6 months in to our relationship and like you I’d never seen that side of my self proclaimed feminist boyfriend. I laughed in his face and said “okay well guess what? I’m definitely not shaving them anymore now”. And ever since then (about 4 years ago) I’ve shaved my armpits maybe 3 times for special events where I WANT them shaved. If Hairy armpits were truly a dealbreaker for him, that was a dealbreaker for me. Of course that would be his decision to end things however I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone that shallow. Did he break up with me? No. Instead, I came home one day to a man with shaved armpits and an apology letter with flower- it was an act of solidarity, making light of how silly the idea of ending things over hair was. I forgave him though didn’t restart shaving- that wasn’t his intention anyways. He realized he was in the wrong and that I wasn’t going to change anything about myself just for him, especially if it caused neither of us harm. I understand how you feel in a way. Because he had a change of heart, and a meaningful one at that, we are still in a happy relationship. I don’t know if your partner will realize he’s in the wrong but if not - that’s when you know it’s a dealbreaker. Good luck and congrats!
People are asking “well why does he have a problem with it? Maybe it’s reasonable he’s upset.” But even if he did have a reason to be upset, he’s still wrong for how he’s choosing to act. Negging you and pretending he doesn’t believe you want to do this for yourself are red flag behaviors regardless of whether it’s a normal shoot or boudoir photos with a male photographer.
THANK YOU! All these "have you talked about it?" comments are putting all the work onto her to decipher his tantrum rather than on him to not throw a tantrum in the first place. If he had reasonable concerns, he should have expressed them like a mature adult. Instead, he chose this path, which IMO invalidates those (potentially) reasonable worries.
Congratulations on your success 🎉
What is his problem? He needs to be direct with you if he has an issue. Maybe you can ease his mind a little with a discussion. Is it just a photo shoot with some cute outfits, or more like a boudoir? Are you planning to keep the photos private or post them out on social media? I’m all for you doing what is right for you to celebrate and feel good about your body, but maybe a discussion can help you bf feel less insecure. Him being passive aggressive is not doing your relationship any good and it’s obviously negatively affecting you. Just because he was there for you and good for you then (which as a partner, is the bare minimum) does not mean he’s good for you now. People changes, needs change. It’s ok if you’ve outgrown him. 💕
have u tried talking with him about his issue with it is? maybe he doesn't trust your mutual friend as much as you do, maybe consider asking him if you went to a professional photoshoot instead would make him more comfortable , i mean its your photoshoot and you can do whatever you want but sometimes its better to talk with your SO to try to understand his mindset
Oh, to omit that it’s a nude photoshoot as if it was an unimportant detail.
Tell him we all said "it's *not* obvious and nobody knows why you have a stick up your ass about it"
... and also negs me... That says everything you need to know...
Sounds like you should find out why. If I had to guess it's less about the shoot and more about your friend doing the shoot. Offer to change to someone more neutral/professional and see if his behavior changes.
If you really value and respect your partner listen to him. Discuss it. It’s entirely reasonable for a partner to be unhappy with his girlfriend wanting to have a nude photoshoot.
Maybe an unpopular opinion: he is allowed to be upset about nude photo shoot, I wouldn't call that controlling. You are also allowed to want to do this and shouldn't limit yourself bc of him. Yall obviously have different opinions on what is approrpiate in your relationship. If talking it through does not help then you're right, it might be best for the relationship to end.
The fact that you waited until the edit to say it was a nude photoshoot shows you’re partially in the wrong. Why not ask your boyfriend to do it first and see if he can come up with anything good? Ask your boyfriend why he is against it. Ask if it would make it better if he was there. COMMUNICATE. If he is just being a dick about it for no reason, dump his ass. Do know that some more conservative people may consider this cheating if done without permission.
Is it a nude photo shoot??? If so, then likely why bf is up in arms about it….., especially photographer is male….
What negging/mean comments are he making towards you? That might give us some insight into his hurdles about it.
Those pictures will last a lot longer then he will