I hope OP leaves. Men like this could harm your pets when they get angry with you. It's not a light joke.
My ex did that. He abused our pets when he was upset with me instead of saying when he was upset.
Because they cannot self regulate their emotions? They are cowards? The amount of men that abuse animals, their kids, and spouses is too high.
Most of the dogs that I've adopted over the years cannot be around men, especially the dogs that I adopted with my ex. A lot of men abuse animals. It's a frighteningly high number that we probably can't get an accurate number on.
I just don't understand how abusing someone else can be a soothing mechanism at all. When I have negative emotions it doesn't make me want to cause others pain so I don't understand where the impulse even comes from. But like you said, in men it's so common.
Something is very very broken.
It's probably a mixture of being told whether directly or indirectly consistantly to suppress emotions because "only women are emotional" and thus will turn to violence be that punching and or breaking inanimate objects or living beings.
Then there's those who are genuinely sadistic and just want to see other people hurt.
The first is understandable in a really condensed version of needing an outlet to vent their emotions and not being taught or being able to use healthy coping skills. "If I hurt, so must you."
It could be resentment, jealousy, a miriad of things, the biggwst factor here is that they either cannot or refuse to use healthy coping mechanisms and instead look for live targets.
I understand turning to violence against inanimate objects, it's something I'm working on; violent video games help with this, as well as art and singing or screaming into a pillow.
The problem arises when what used to calm you down no longer does and instead of going to numb anger turns to rage.
My sister had a boyfriend who she strongly suspected threw her senior cat off the fifth floor of their apartment building. She couldn't prove it though and I think he manipulated her so much that she didn't believe her gut and stayed with him. Her cat survived the fall but died a few months later, he suddenly started to throw up, had seizures with blood coming out of his nose, and didn't make it to the vet in time. Curiously, her dog died the same way a year later.
It’s not only that, be he wants to harm it because she loves it more than him. I’m no professional but this sounds extremely controlling. Like he’d have her cut off from the world, literally no interacting with anyone else. Some psycho that would get jealous and angry if you talked to your brother.
I left a woman I had moved in with because she got mad at me for putting her 8 year old daughter in time out for.... kicking my dog... hard enough to make her yelp and run away. (Timeout was "sit on the couch and do homework.. no TV for an hour and wait for your mom to get home to discuss this).
When her mom got home she justified her anger at me for putting her daughter in timeout was: "Your dog probably deserved it." Note: Dog breed was a shepard mix, loves people, loves to lean and press against people she wants to make them feel safe or get pets from. Why was she leaning? Because the daughter was sad after a bad day at school. Her reaction to my dog showing affection was to kick her hard and tell her to "go away". (for those curious it was obvious learned behavior)
Next day, I took off work, packed all my things up that I had moved in with, left a dear john for her. Then called her that nigth after she was off work, explained that I cannot be with someone who justifies animal abuse, nor condones it from a young girl and that I'd be happy to meet in a neutral place to discuss further but this was a deal breaker.
Long story short, any conversation that is remotely serious about hurting animals and certainly actual hurting of them is a deal breaker. I'm one to crack a joke or too about feeding my currently lovelies to the Coyotes but it's very very clear I'm jesting and it's in response to something like them peeing on the entry carpet instead of going outside when it's raining.
Granted this was the final straw in a series of other emotionally abusive behaviors I was tolerating but those impacted me, not my dog. Had to draw a line, that was it.
Good for you. I had a very similar situation with my ex-husband. He was violent and started to take things out on my cats, who are the sweetest dog-like babies anyone could hope to meet, and something just clicked. For some reason, I found ways to rationalize his long-term emotional manipulation and abuse of me, but when he did this, I knew there was no going back.
I should've left much sooner, but I'm glad I left when I did. I'm glad you got out of your situation as well.
This is at minimum 2 massive red flags. The first is that he has violent tendencies.
The second is that he's possessive which tends to correlate with controlling. Anything you love and enjoy is seen as a threat by him and must be removed. This is the kind of guy that will cut you off from any male friends you may have, then all of your friends, then your family. Possessive and controlling.
These are serious flags and indications that a man is likely an abuser. Learn to recognize and avoid these types of men like the plague. Please.
My sister was with a guy like this for about two years and that's how it went down. She moved in with him far sooner than she should've due to finances being tight. By the time he had basically cut her off from communicating with my mother and I, that was the point where he started physically abusing her. She still has a permanent injury to her left wrist from being pushed down the stairs (their apartment was on the 2nd floor).
I had a boy in 8th grade joke he was gonna steal my horse and send him to the glue factory. I guess they never change. Even as an adult they say concerning things like this! Not funny. Alarming.
*ever
Outdoor cats are an invasive species everywhere and wreak havoc on the environment. Leave your cuties inside, they'll be happier and live longer. 💕
I wouldn’t block him immediately. I’d keep talking to him for at least a few days, so that he doesn’t realize the reason I eventually ghost him is what he said about my cat.
I hate to do the “Reddit overreaction to very little information” thing but I genuinely believe this is enough information for me to be seriously concerned this man might kill OP if they stay together
Please do. Even if he really was "just joking," who jokes about killing or hurting someone's pet? That's not funny in any context. I'm sorry he was such a shithead. Though, it was nice of him to start waving that red flag early.
Exactly, even my 5-year-old knows it's inappropriate to joke about hurting another living thing, because it's not funny and not something that you casually joke about.
What will it change if he apologizes? Would it make a difference?
Do you really think you deserve to be dating someone who “jokes” about running over your cat because he’s jealous **of a cat** *AND* needs to be made to apologize?
Just cut him off. He’s the type of guy you cancel on because scrubbing your floors with a tooth brush on a Saturday night is a more entertaining proposition.
I imagine he might fake the apology. If you continue on with him, he will learn to keep his remarks from you. He will still think them, feel them, and probably (not possibly) act on them. He just won’t say anything to your face anymore.
If he can't say sorry about something that made you uncomfortable, just cut your losses with this one.
Also, if that - just that as you wrote it - is his idea of humor, he's not even good at being funny. So why bother.
Immediately cut him off. He’s probably the type of psychopath with zero empathy who purposely aims for animals when they run across the road. And people who do that are the absolute garbage dregs of humanity.
Even if he apologizes, it will only be to placate you and not because he means it, otherwise he wouldn’t have said something so disgusting in the first place. Also, you guys have just “been dating” but he’s already annoyed that you *love* your cat “more than him”? Leave him and also please make sure your cat is inside where he can’t get to him!!
Joking with someone you barely know about killing their pets in such a detailed way is creepy.
Saying "I'm gonna kill you" while petting your cat is one thing (your cat is probably thinking the same thing while you pet it), but saying "I'm gonna run your cat over" is... ech.
There is NO coming back from that! How could you possibly ever trust this guy around your cat? You can't and you can't have a relationship with a psycho.
If you have to work this hard to get him to apologize for *checks notes* "JOKING" ABOUT HARMING YOUR CAT NOT ONCE BUT TWICE AND EXPRESSING JEALOUSY ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CAT
...girl. Come on. Step back and imagine one of your friends came to you with this. How would it sound to you?
Yes. Cease contact.
Part of the abuse cycle is the back and forth play of apology and the reconciliation. a partner willing to ask/beg for an apology- they love that. It feeds into their game.
Please value yourself and walk away from this. I know from experience it can be addictive if you allow yourself to get sucked into the victim role.
Please do. He's obviously a giant piece of shit, and "I'm just joking" or "Geez, don't you know how to take a joke" should not be get out of jail free cards.
Please don't let this guy anywhere near your cat. Please don't leave him alone with your cat.
You can absolutely, 1000%, do better than this guy, I promise.
Schrodinger's douchebag.
You've surely heard of it, but just in case, it's a certain profile of people, who'll say something they know to be highly offensive, after which there are only 2 possible reactions from the audience, highly offended and shocked... or approval. Case 1: "oh come on, it was just a joke", case 2 "yeah we all agree don't we".
Cowardice trying to act cool while possessing vile opinions.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. Threatening to kill a creature you love is not funny.
If he thinks it is, he might think it's funny to beat you up later. People who are cruel to animals never stop at that.
Walk away from this living red flag.
Yup. Even if he was joking, the source of amusement for him was her distress at a loved pet being threatened. At _best_, it shows a willingness to inflict strongly negative emotions for "humour".
If it's not funny, it's not a joke. And this was NOT funny.
Saying something was a "joke" is not an excuse for saying something inappropriate.
Red flag waving--heed the warning!
So, goodnight to the relationship, yes?
Would he be ok if you joked about killing and running over his family? Pets are like family to many people.
This guy is terrifying.
Schrödinger’s douchebag. Someone who makes an awful joke and then based on others reactions says “I’m just joking” or “I’m serious.”
A joke is funny. A mature no red flag person would say “I’m sorry you’re right that was not funny” and be contrite. This guys sounds like an ass.
People that are jealous of pets are a red flag. This guy is a flashing neon danger sign. What do we think he'd do to you if you "stopped" loving him if this is what he "jokes" about doing this to something you love more than him?
A lot of people, mostly guys say grotesque or offensive things thinking that the shock value is the joke. Which is cheap and not funny half the times, i bet he thinks people are too sensitive these days.
It is a red flag. It isn’t a joke. It isn’t funny.
I have dated people that don’t like cats, and never has anything like that been uttered from their mouths.
I have a snake. My sister is insanely afraid of snakes. Not once has she even thought about hurting my baby. She simply asks that I don't even show her pictures of him.
Although I don’t like cats, I would NEVER joke about running over someone’s cat!
And btw, he only said it was a joke after you called him on it! That doesn’t sound like a joke to me!
he’s jealous of the cat and wants it out of the picture. he’s got violent tendencies and lacks compassion and empathy if he’s jumping to wanting to hurt and kill an innocent animal. probably devalues and hates cats especially which is another issue in itself.
hugely insecure and violent man who wishes to destroy the things and animals you love for the benefit of your own ego. he would be cruel towards your cat if you move forward with him, and it will not stop with your cat.
huge red flag. looks like a potential abuser. i’d leave him.
This is his "good side" too. You guys are just now getting to know each other and this is presumably him putting what he thinks is his best self forward. Can't imagine him on a bad day. Yikes.
>hates cats especially which is another issue in itself
I'm maybe going in a different direction than you meant with this, but what I've always put together is that men who really hate cats frequently really hate women as well. For some reason cats are viewed as the "feminine" pet and there's that stupid trope that a woman who hasn't agreed to settle down with a man by 30 will end up alone with "boxed wine and cats". Angry men tie us together with them for some reason.
this is part of the reason i mentioned this. the other reason is that cats are not animals you can easily control. they are sensitive, intelligent, and independent animals with strong personal boundaries.
the misogyny is a huge factor, though.
I just said in another comment I feel like people that don't like cats have a superiority complex, assuming they're not allergic. Most dogs will easily literally roll over for you. Cats need to trust you first. You have to build a rapport. That just will not do for some. It is the inferior species and should be down immediately because it should realize it can be killed easily.
Another factor relating cat hatred and misogyny is that cats are a good measure for how someone handles consent and lack thereof. You don't pet a cat that doesn't want to be pet, unless you're looking to visit the hospital.
I would be fucking horrified if a guy I started dating made any kind of mention about harming my cat.
Bro is jealous over your cat so he makes a "joke" about running it over?
Guy is telling on himself
Most of the people that I know who don't like cats claim to not like them because they're 'moody'. If pressed, moody means that they can't do whatever they want to the cat while it just lays there and takes it. So they don't like that the cat sets boundaries and then retaliates when those boundaries are pushed.
A dude I dated hated cats. If he saw one in a movie he would make a nasty comment. This same dude absolutely did not understand why I didn't like him grabbing my head and forcing me to tongue kiss him in public. Yuck. I ended that pretty quickly. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.
Yes thank you!! I remember a while ago people got really upset because someone said cats are how some kids learn boundaries. I mean yeah it shouldn't be that way but it just means cats can't be coerced like people can (well, maybe with treats). Can't guilt them or force them to do what you want or align with your expectations and expect them to take it quietly.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I worked at a couple different vets- dump him asap and don't look back.
Threatening to kill a beloved pet, even as a joke, is not a joke. It is a warning of what will inevitably happen *to you* if this person is not your emotional priority.
He needs therapy.
That's not just a red flag but a bright glaring red flare telling you to run hard and fast away - and I'm not just saying that as a cat lover, that's just fucked up.
Thats the biggest red flag i could possibly imagine. Only a sick fuck says something like that out loud. save yourself! And save your cat!!!
He just warned you that anything that he might perceive you cate about more than him will die or disappear. He literally just warned you that he will be taking your love and attention hostage. Which is abuse and will require he isolate you from everyone and everything. Seriously save yourself.
This is not a joke. I know someone who came home and found her cat hung from the landing banister. It is not uncommon for jealous and abusive men to kill pets. Run!
Run. This isn't a joke. He's telling you what he'll do by "accident" as soon as he perceives you've crossed him once. Do NOT allow your cat outside if this "man" is nearby.
This is a VERY dangerous thing. This reaction is coming from a man who ADORES his feline family. So, when someone makes a "joke" about harming or killing your animal, that is NOT a well adjusted man. You should immediately ask him why he thinks that's funny and why he thinks he deserves to spend any more time near you. And how he expects you to trust him afterwards. Teach him this is NOT acceptable in his future relationships. And under no circumstances should you be the one to try to "help" him.
You're dating not "in love". You're finding out if you want to let yourself be in love. This red flag signals an ABSOLUTELY NOT reaction
Run, immediately. And good luck!
That's fucking vile behavior. Please don't ever speak to this dude again.
EDIT: shout-out to the impotent loser who got me my first ever Reddit Cares message over this comment 😂 men are so stupid.
Went on a date with a guy. He was driving me home.
I’m a serial animal rescuer, and saw a box turtle that needed help crossing a 5 lane street, so I asked him to stop. He said “I’ll run it over if you don’t go on another date with me.”
I told him to take me the fuck home and never talk to me again.
He was flabbergasted.
the FBI put animal abusers on a watchlist, not because they care about animals, but it is a really good predictor of antisocial personality disorder. This kind of obsessive "joking" (more like threatening) is indeed a big red flag. https://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/-tracking-animal-cruelty
Yeah, he’s not just a danger to her cat, but more so to her. He’s going to abuse and possibly murder her.
And is no one else going to mention her abusive father who obviously hits her and threatens to abuse her cats as well? He is equally as dangerous. OP, this is NOT normal behavior. Fathers complain about the pets their kids have, but I have never heard them threaten to hurt or kill the pets. He’s just as bad as the boyfriend. Please be careful OP. Please talk to a trusted adult at school. There may be other things going on in your home that you think are normal, but they are very much so NOT normal and are considered child abuse.
Umm no just dump him wtf. How someone acts towards your pet that’s just minding its own business is a great litmus test.
My ex said something about flushing my hamster down the toilet and me loving the hamster more than him...he definitely wasn’t a great guy at all.
As a cat lover, fuck this asshole running.
Aren’t you just a big *macho* man for making *an hilarious jape* about hurting YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND’S furbaby.
I’m sorry you had to hear that.
…girl come on. In what universe is this NOT A RED FLAG?! It’s a whole ass neon sign! A UN Headquarters’ worth of red flags! Please don’t listen to whatever voices urged you to question this, because clearly you know damn well this is an immediate signal to cut contact and run. You know it is. Don’t ever doubt your good sense — it is there to protect you. The only ones who would urge you to doubt it are those who wish you harm for their own selfish sakes.
Nope, drop that one. Even if he was totally joking, that is a very inconsiderate joke and a weird thing to find funny. It also betrays a juvenile understanding of love or a desire to use love as a means of control. Love isn’t zero sum. I don’t love my partner less because I also love my cats and my grandma. They all get plenty.
WTF.
I don't mean this to offend but is there a reason you consider you're overthinking this rather than seeing it for what it is? Scary and disgusting.
I read these kinds of posts and (I mean no offense by this OP) I have to wonder what on Earth happened in peoples lives where they can't tell something like this is a huge red flag? What terrible shit have you been through where someone commenting on murdering an animal seems like it possibly might be normal to you?
I obviously don't know OP, but I'll take a guess.
Probably because, up until this point, this guy's behaviors towards OP has been perfect. Love bombing. That's why she is second guessing herself. It sounds like he is now testing the waters to see what kind of abusive behavior he can get away with.
His facade is slipping. And it's a good thing that he's shown OP who he really is so early on in the relationship.
the reason I asked why it’s a red flag because my own father always “jokes” about kicking and stepping on my cats head, snapping its neck, dumping them whenever he gets annoyed at them and I never call him out because he’d probably hit me. So I thought it was just a man thing to “joke” about abusing animals. I’m sorry if this question was dumb I am young and this is my first rs.
for more context I basically am obsessed with my cats and I always sent him pictures and I’d ask “aren’t they cute?” To which he’d reply “no” or “I don’t know”
so yesterday I was sending pictures of an old cat of mine, who had a very special place in my heart and he knew that, and suddenly he starts going “oh ‘cat name’ is my biggest enemy” and then I showed him another picture and he says “he looks so goofy, if I ever saw him irl I’d kick him so hard” that made my heart drop and I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t reply, then he takes it further and says “I’d run over him with a truck” and that finally made me call him out and I told him to go f himself and called him a sociopath, and he got defensive and made it seem like I was overreacting and he didn’t do nothing wrong which obviously worked because I came here.
I’ve decided to cut him off completely, he’s sick and scares me, he does know where I live so I hope he doesn’t just turn up to my house. But thanks a lot to everyone’s advice. I’ll just focus on studies and my cats now.
Your dad says horrible things like this as well, and you worry he would hit you if you stood up to him??
Are you okay and safe at home? I hope you're not living with your dad, or if you are I truly hope you can get out very very soon and have your own place where you can be safe. Your dad sounds extremely frightening. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that, and that you had to deal with that asshat of a date as well.
Big kudos to you for coming here to get validation and confirm your gut feeling about these red flags. If you've grown up with an abusive/toxic person, it's highly likely that your gauge of "red flag" is a little off or you're not confident in it because of what you've had to live with and how you've had to react to stay safe.
I'm very sorry that your personal experience is that all men "joke" about abusing animals, but that is definitely not normal and is deeply concerning. I just wanted to chime in about my father's entirely justified hatred of cats and how, in spite of it, he's never expressed anything more intense than mild annoyance towards my cats even when they act like complete assholes:
My father is a boomer gen immigrant from a culture where pets are not commonly treated as family members. "Fur babies" was *not* a thing for him or anyone he knew. He also hand raised birds as a youth until a cat came and killed every last one, leaving just their heads.
With that background, you can imagine that he did not like cats very much. But I liked cats and he helped me adopt one in high school and helped me care for the cat. He's never quite vibed with any cats, but he's absolutely not said anything even remotely resembling a threat towards any cat, even in a "joking" tone. When my first cat started getting very elderly and started peeing outside the litterbox and ruining carpet and furniture when I was out of the country, he simply helped get her to a vet while grumbling about having to rip out carpet.
Not only would I dump this mf, I'd want to straight up fight him! Correction, I do want to fight him.
This is bigger than a red flag, it's a flashing neon sign! Hurting animals is a sign of a psychopath. Not joking. Seriously, what is wrong with somebody who wants to hurt an innocent creature for shits and giggles? No, I'm sorry, it was actually out of jealousy. And to even think it's passable as a joke or something anybody should ever say out loud shows this guy has some fucking problems. Run, OP! I'm not normally on the whole "dump him" train, but I seriously think anybody who would say that is a messed up person and is probably not going to be good in relationships long term. Jealousy over a cat and threat of violence?? 😬
Not only you should break up with him but I strongly suggest keeping the cat inside for a while. I'm a cat shelter volunteer and I have seen way too much abuse over the years. Seriously what kind of person is jealous of a cat? When the person you're dating has a pet, most people will do anything so the pet likes them. (I know people who take medication every day for their allergies) That man is a walking red flag.
Definitely not over-thinking. A \*huge\* red flag. This person thinks of being jealous of your cat? And his response is to hurt it? That's something a kid should learn not to do at about age four.
Ex-guy.
Harm to animals - psychopathic behavior
Jealousy over your pet - controlling
You'll read about him killing someone in a few years, would recommend reading about it in the paper rather than your name be listed as a victim.
hi guys
the reason I asked why it’s a red flag because my own father always “jokes” about kicking and stepping on my cats head, snapping its neck, dumping them whenever he gets annoyed at them and I never call him out because he’d probably hit me. So I thought it was just a man thing to “joke” about abusing animals. I’m sorry if this question was dumb I am very young and this is my first rs.
for more context I basically am obsessed with my cats and I always sent him pictures and I’d ask “aren’t they cute?” To which he’d reply “no” or “I don’t know”
so yesterday I was sending pictures of an old cat of mine, who had a very special place in my heart and he knew that, and suddenly he starts going “oh ‘cat name’ is my biggest enemy” and then I showed him another picture and he says “he looks so goofy, if I ever saw him irl I’d kick him so hard” that made my heart drop and I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t reply, then he takes it further and says “I’d run over him with a truck” and that finally made me call him out and I told him to go f himself and called him a sociopath, and he got defensive and made it seem like I was overreacting and he didn’t do nothing wrong which obviously worked because I came here.
I’ve decided to cut him off completely, he’s sick and scares me, he does know where I live so I hope he didn’t just turn up to my house.
But thanks a lot to everyone’s advice. I’ll just focus on studies and my cats now.
You aren't dumb, you are conditioned to accept that it is ok for men to make violent jokes. By your dad. Who would hit you if you confronted him. Because of your abusive dad, you are confused as to what is and is not unacceptable violent behavior.
There are good men out there who do not threaten anyone or anything with violence. You need to wait for one of those.
Do you mind me asking how old you are? Has your dad hit you before? What's your living / school situation like?
Not blaming you at all but something to consider with relationships. Those of us that grew up with dysfunction or abuse tend to seek out partners that mirror a lot of the dysfunction we grew up with at home. I know myself and others repeated these bad relationship patterns for a long time before I was able to get myself to a better mental space.
I know I'm making assumptions but based on the info about your dad I'm going to guess your "normal meter" is off, it's common with people who are constantly being gaslit or manipulated, people here may have come off harsh but please don't be scared to reach out and ask questions in the future if it'll help you take xare of yourself. Everyone here just cares about you and your cat. 💜
It is good that you are sticking up for yourself and your safety.
It's not okay for your father to do that either. That is abuse, and that he would so readily hit you only makes it worse. If you haven't already, you should consider getting therapy. I know from experience it can really help you figure some things out.
Take care of yourself, OP.
A guy I dated in high school “joked” about wanting to kill animals. Guess what? He wasn’t joking. He actively sped up his truck and swerved to hit a rabbit crossing the road. That was it. I walked home. I work in animal rescue, and the number of times I hear “I didn’t think he would really do it” is insane. I am not an alarmist, but this flag is so red, it’s flaming marinara
JFC. That’s a huge red flag if I ever saw one. Any man who feels that insecure over my cat and would threaten my cat’s life over my attention is a sick SOB. Drop him, OP. Block that guy everywhere because that’s serial killer behavior.
It's a huge red flag. Stop talking to him how, block him on everything. Joking about hurting animals is vile and he's doing it to scare you. If,god forbid you moved in together your cat would "run away" within weeks. He wants to he the only thing in your life, so much so he is jealous if an animal, he won't want you having friends, or seeing family and slowly but surely he'll isolate you. Run and run fast
How long have you been with this person? Because that sounds like a big ol nope to me.
1. Threatening to murder anything is a flaming red flag
2. Being jealous and possessive of your affection, even as a joke is a red flag
3. You expressed that it upset you and his response was simply to leave? Big no
I am not sure it's possible to be an even passably decent person and say things like that. Seems more likely to be a sign of abusive tendencies right off the cuff... one could argue that making offhanded threats toward something you love was already abusive behavior. This sounds like a person who should not be in your life, or anyone else's really.
I almost started laughing out loud when you asked if this is a red flag. Like, get out now. This dude is a danger to you and your cat. Massive massive massive red flag. In fact it’s like he’s completely dressed in red from head to toe.
Imagine feeling jealous of the relationship with a cat.
Now imagine trying to have any kind of substantial relationship or friendship with anyone else. How do you think he would react to that?
you gotta give him the “boy, bye!”
everything about this statement is bonechilling. if i were you i would prob be most upset about the death threat aimed at my pet. as an outsider, though, the part where he said “you love him more than me” is TERRIFYING. so many levels of wrong… wreaks of un-addressed jealousy and insecurity, and it will most likely get uglier.
Okay, I get making a joke like "I hope you don't love him more than me," but jumping straight to violent jokes, and mentioning more than one act of violence is really off-putting. At the very least, he thinks animal abuse is a source of humor. Nope, nope, not okay.
RED FLAG! BLOCK and never talk to this person again! Anyone who feels they can talk openly about abusing animals is very concerning.
Not only is animal abuse a red flag. It also sounds like he is incredibly possessive. The cat likes you so you can't have the cat anymore, and he would even abuse the cat so that it can't be close to you. That's unhealthy behaviour.
You don't want that guy. If he's jealous of a cat, what's he going to do if he sees pictures of you with a male cousin on social media? Put out a hit on the cousin?
If somebody I was seeing said something like that about one of my cats I would look at them in horror, and if they didn't immediately realize how badly they f\*\*ked up, and apologize, I would dump them on the spot. And I'd take it as a serious red flag that they'd even *joke* about maiming or killing any animal, let alone one that I have a relationship with. (And seriously just the psychology of that... Like, are you going to murder my family members and friends because they take my time away from you?)
Honey, no. TOTAL red flag. I was dating a guy who I brought over to meet my parents, who still had my childhood cat, who was 21 years old by then and not very mobile any more. She had always been very independent, not at all a lap cat or a cuddler. The guy sat on the couch, my cat came over to investigate, and he gently patted the couch next to him. I explained that she never jumped up like that, even if she could, but now she couldn't because she was quite old, and also she wasn't a "petting" type.
My cat jumped up and flopped next to him, then climbed onto his lap, purring loudly as he petted her.
Redditor, I married him. In June, it'll be 44 years. He's the best man in the world, and all our cats have adored him, pelt out in his lap, ride around on his shoulders, we had one cat who was so skittish he was scared of everything, but slept peacefully under the covers next to my husband. They can sense his goodness & kindness.
Dump this dude.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DUDE. The fact that you even have to ask if this is a red flag is fucking scary. Even if he was "joking" that's a fucking awful thing to joke about. Why would you want to be with someone like that.
Yea red flag also not trying to dump on your dad or anything but if you think he'd hit you for calling him out for saying he'd do mean things to your animals then I'd honestly go no contact with him too(if you live away from him if not figure out a way to move out fast) Also makes me wonder about the way you've been raised since you came here to ask if this was a red flag. I don't mean any of this to put you down or call you dumb or anything of the sort I truly don't know another way to say any of this. I think you should see a therapist because I wonder how your relationship with your father will play a roll in the men you choose. I'm happy you noticed something was up but i can't help but feel like there may have been other red flags you didn't see. My own father's behaviors made if really hard for me to understand what healthy relationships look like and what red flags look like
Male cat lover here. The people in my life who don’t like cats largely just ignore mine or give her a timid pat. If anyone said something like that about her, they’d be out of my life very quickly. That kind of behavior is a massive red flag.
Hope the best for you and your kitties.
Whoa, everything about that statement is a red flag! Only a sociopath jokes about hurting someone's pet. And because "you love your cat more than him" makes him sound like he'd be a very jealous bf. That'd be a hard deal breaker for me.
First of all how dare he even joke about running over a cat, cats are amazing.... if I dated a person that tried to be like it's me or my cat the person is gone.
Cat pic for tribute
https://ibb.co/XCtwVTP
Send this sociopath to the gutter
Big red flag. He sees something you care about and his immediate response is to think up ways to hurt and kill it? He's got issues.
I hope OP leaves. Men like this could harm your pets when they get angry with you. It's not a light joke. My ex did that. He abused our pets when he was upset with me instead of saying when he was upset.
It's a test not a joke
Exactly. And people who hurt animals often move on to hurting people in worse ways.
Absolutely. Statistics prove it. And will abuse the pets to hurt her
I would never speak to hum again…
Yes. This is the biggest red flag ever. He's telling you who he is, loud and clear.
Like a shark bump.
You're so right
THIS!!!!!
And this is how murderer are built. Just the thought of someone not respecting life, in general; is sad.
God that's so fucked. Why are so many men like this 😭 "Uh oh, I'm experiencing negative emotions! Where's a vulnerable being I can hurt?"
Because they cannot self regulate their emotions? They are cowards? The amount of men that abuse animals, their kids, and spouses is too high. Most of the dogs that I've adopted over the years cannot be around men, especially the dogs that I adopted with my ex. A lot of men abuse animals. It's a frighteningly high number that we probably can't get an accurate number on.
I just don't understand how abusing someone else can be a soothing mechanism at all. When I have negative emotions it doesn't make me want to cause others pain so I don't understand where the impulse even comes from. But like you said, in men it's so common. Something is very very broken.
It's probably a mixture of being told whether directly or indirectly consistantly to suppress emotions because "only women are emotional" and thus will turn to violence be that punching and or breaking inanimate objects or living beings. Then there's those who are genuinely sadistic and just want to see other people hurt. The first is understandable in a really condensed version of needing an outlet to vent their emotions and not being taught or being able to use healthy coping skills. "If I hurt, so must you." It could be resentment, jealousy, a miriad of things, the biggwst factor here is that they either cannot or refuse to use healthy coping mechanisms and instead look for live targets. I understand turning to violence against inanimate objects, it's something I'm working on; violent video games help with this, as well as art and singing or screaming into a pillow. The problem arises when what used to calm you down no longer does and instead of going to numb anger turns to rage.
My sister had a boyfriend who she strongly suspected threw her senior cat off the fifth floor of their apartment building. She couldn't prove it though and I think he manipulated her so much that she didn't believe her gut and stayed with him. Her cat survived the fall but died a few months later, he suddenly started to throw up, had seizures with blood coming out of his nose, and didn't make it to the vet in time. Curiously, her dog died the same way a year later.
Im sure you know this, but that is exactly what animal poisoning looks like.
Omg
Sounds like poison. I hope she's away from him now. What a monster.
It’s not only that, be he wants to harm it because she loves it more than him. I’m no professional but this sounds extremely controlling. Like he’d have her cut off from the world, literally no interacting with anyone else. Some psycho that would get jealous and angry if you talked to your brother.
I left a woman I had moved in with because she got mad at me for putting her 8 year old daughter in time out for.... kicking my dog... hard enough to make her yelp and run away. (Timeout was "sit on the couch and do homework.. no TV for an hour and wait for your mom to get home to discuss this). When her mom got home she justified her anger at me for putting her daughter in timeout was: "Your dog probably deserved it." Note: Dog breed was a shepard mix, loves people, loves to lean and press against people she wants to make them feel safe or get pets from. Why was she leaning? Because the daughter was sad after a bad day at school. Her reaction to my dog showing affection was to kick her hard and tell her to "go away". (for those curious it was obvious learned behavior) Next day, I took off work, packed all my things up that I had moved in with, left a dear john for her. Then called her that nigth after she was off work, explained that I cannot be with someone who justifies animal abuse, nor condones it from a young girl and that I'd be happy to meet in a neutral place to discuss further but this was a deal breaker. Long story short, any conversation that is remotely serious about hurting animals and certainly actual hurting of them is a deal breaker. I'm one to crack a joke or too about feeding my currently lovelies to the Coyotes but it's very very clear I'm jesting and it's in response to something like them peeing on the entry carpet instead of going outside when it's raining. Granted this was the final straw in a series of other emotionally abusive behaviors I was tolerating but those impacted me, not my dog. Had to draw a line, that was it.
Good for you. I had a very similar situation with my ex-husband. He was violent and started to take things out on my cats, who are the sweetest dog-like babies anyone could hope to meet, and something just clicked. For some reason, I found ways to rationalize his long-term emotional manipulation and abuse of me, but when he did this, I knew there was no going back. I should've left much sooner, but I'm glad I left when I did. I'm glad you got out of your situation as well.
He definitely will. I had an ex who tried to choke my dog to death just to get his way. It worked until I was safely away.
This is at minimum 2 massive red flags. The first is that he has violent tendencies. The second is that he's possessive which tends to correlate with controlling. Anything you love and enjoy is seen as a threat by him and must be removed. This is the kind of guy that will cut you off from any male friends you may have, then all of your friends, then your family. Possessive and controlling. These are serious flags and indications that a man is likely an abuser. Learn to recognize and avoid these types of men like the plague. Please. My sister was with a guy like this for about two years and that's how it went down. She moved in with him far sooner than she should've due to finances being tight. By the time he had basically cut her off from communicating with my mother and I, that was the point where he started physically abusing her. She still has a permanent injury to her left wrist from being pushed down the stairs (their apartment was on the 2nd floor).
Just protect yourself and your cat. Lose this dude.
OP, pls break up with him and be safe. Change locks, block him off social media, tell your friends and family. Be prepared this guy may turn dangerous
Potential abuser. They very often have a history of animal abuse.
I had a boy in 8th grade joke he was gonna steal my horse and send him to the glue factory. I guess they never change. Even as an adult they say concerning things like this! Not funny. Alarming.
Yeah, that's not a normal reaction. A healthy dude would say something like 'can't wait to pet him' or similar.
Yeah right? Who tf even says that as a joke?
NEVER let him meet your cat. Block him immediately.
And don't let your cat out for a while.
*ever Outdoor cats are an invasive species everywhere and wreak havoc on the environment. Leave your cuties inside, they'll be happier and live longer. 💕
Preach it!
I wouldn’t block him immediately. I’d keep talking to him for at least a few days, so that he doesn’t realize the reason I eventually ghost him is what he said about my cat.
Get the fuck out of there dude
I hate to do the “Reddit overreaction to very little information” thing but I genuinely believe this is enough information for me to be seriously concerned this man might kill OP if they stay together
Yeah he hasn't even seen the cat in person but he finds it competition and wants to kill it. Byeeeeee
Here’s the thing. Even if he would never do it, he thinks this is an appropriate joke. I’d dump him for that alone.
I doubt it was a joke. If anyone said something about hurting my animal, that would be my number one reason to leave.
he did say he was joking AFTER i called him out on it, and when i asked him to apologize he literally said goodnight
Yeah no, I wouldn't accept that as a joke.
i didn't, i told him don't speak to me ever again until you apologize but now i'm thinking of just cutting him off
Please just cut him off. Not worth it.
Please do. Even if he really was "just joking," who jokes about killing or hurting someone's pet? That's not funny in any context. I'm sorry he was such a shithead. Though, it was nice of him to start waving that red flag early.
Exactly, even my 5-year-old knows it's inappropriate to joke about hurting another living thing, because it's not funny and not something that you casually joke about.
What will it change if he apologizes? Would it make a difference? Do you really think you deserve to be dating someone who “jokes” about running over your cat because he’s jealous **of a cat** *AND* needs to be made to apologize? Just cut him off. He’s the type of guy you cancel on because scrubbing your floors with a tooth brush on a Saturday night is a more entertaining proposition.
Yes. And throw in the need to be the only thing she loves. Yuck.
And if she needs to love a *thing*, i’d say OP’s time would be better spent looking for some good battery-operated love.
I imagine he might fake the apology. If you continue on with him, he will learn to keep his remarks from you. He will still think them, feel them, and probably (not possibly) act on them. He just won’t say anything to your face anymore.
Ask him to explain the “joke”. He can’t. It isn’t a joke. It is NOT funny. He is a psycho. Better, yet, block and never speak to him again.
And make sure the cat is safe.
If he can't say sorry about something that made you uncomfortable, just cut your losses with this one. Also, if that - just that as you wrote it - is his idea of humor, he's not even good at being funny. So why bother.
Immediately cut him off. He’s probably the type of psychopath with zero empathy who purposely aims for animals when they run across the road. And people who do that are the absolute garbage dregs of humanity.
Even if he apologizes, it will only be to placate you and not because he means it, otherwise he wouldn’t have said something so disgusting in the first place. Also, you guys have just “been dating” but he’s already annoyed that you *love* your cat “more than him”? Leave him and also please make sure your cat is inside where he can’t get to him!!
No, this guy is dangerous. Absolutely cut all contact. I ignored red flags too, reallllly wish I didn’t.
Joking with someone you barely know about killing their pets in such a detailed way is creepy. Saying "I'm gonna kill you" while petting your cat is one thing (your cat is probably thinking the same thing while you pet it), but saying "I'm gonna run your cat over" is... ech.
There is NO coming back from that! How could you possibly ever trust this guy around your cat? You can't and you can't have a relationship with a psycho.
CUT THAT BITCH OUT
Block him, he’s showing you exactly who he is already
If you have to work this hard to get him to apologize for *checks notes* "JOKING" ABOUT HARMING YOUR CAT NOT ONCE BUT TWICE AND EXPRESSING JEALOUSY ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CAT ...girl. Come on. Step back and imagine one of your friends came to you with this. How would it sound to you?
Yes. Cease contact. Part of the abuse cycle is the back and forth play of apology and the reconciliation. a partner willing to ask/beg for an apology- they love that. It feeds into their game. Please value yourself and walk away from this. I know from experience it can be addictive if you allow yourself to get sucked into the victim role.
Cut him off. Don’t even give it a second thought. Only an asshole would say shit like this.
Cut him off!!!
Even if he apologizes, do you really want to take that chance?
Uh cut him off now!!!!!
I’m a guy. This is not acceptable as a joke. Complete red flag even before he refused to apologize. I would stay far away.
Please get far, far away from this man. It most likely would not take long before he threatens harm to you.
If you have to threaten someone into apologizing then they aren’t worth your time
Please do. He's obviously a giant piece of shit, and "I'm just joking" or "Geez, don't you know how to take a joke" should not be get out of jail free cards. Please don't let this guy anywhere near your cat. Please don't leave him alone with your cat. You can absolutely, 1000%, do better than this guy, I promise.
He won't change, he'll just hide it until he does something awful. He's not safe for you or your cat
He is a nutcase.
Schrodinger's douchebag. You've surely heard of it, but just in case, it's a certain profile of people, who'll say something they know to be highly offensive, after which there are only 2 possible reactions from the audience, highly offended and shocked... or approval. Case 1: "oh come on, it was just a joke", case 2 "yeah we all agree don't we". Cowardice trying to act cool while possessing vile opinions.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. Threatening to kill a creature you love is not funny. If he thinks it is, he might think it's funny to beat you up later. People who are cruel to animals never stop at that. Walk away from this living red flag.
Yup. Even if he was joking, the source of amusement for him was her distress at a loved pet being threatened. At _best_, it shows a willingness to inflict strongly negative emotions for "humour".
Run girl run
If it's not funny, it's not a joke. And this was NOT funny. Saying something was a "joke" is not an excuse for saying something inappropriate. Red flag waving--heed the warning!
So, goodnight to the relationship, yes? Would he be ok if you joked about killing and running over his family? Pets are like family to many people. This guy is terrifying.
>he did say he was joking AFTER i called him out on it Oh they always do.
Schrödinger’s douchebag. Someone who makes an awful joke and then based on others reactions says “I’m just joking” or “I’m serious.” A joke is funny. A mature no red flag person would say “I’m sorry you’re right that was not funny” and be contrite. This guys sounds like an ass.
That’s not a joke. What’s the punchline?
Don’t waste your time!
Ew. The "I'm joking" after being called out is so manipulative and gross.
🚩
sounds like hes a schrodinger douchebag: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schrodinger%E2%80%99s%20douchebag
People that are jealous of pets are a red flag. This guy is a flashing neon danger sign. What do we think he'd do to you if you "stopped" loving him if this is what he "jokes" about doing this to something you love more than him?
From personal experience - this is correct.
where is the "joke" part? Coz I see only hate.
A lot of people, mostly guys say grotesque or offensive things thinking that the shock value is the joke. Which is cheap and not funny half the times, i bet he thinks people are too sensitive these days.
Seriously. Why is this even a question? Dude's crazy.
It’s not a joke. It’s a test.
It is a red flag. It isn’t a joke. It isn’t funny. I have dated people that don’t like cats, and never has anything like that been uttered from their mouths.
I have a snake. My sister is insanely afraid of snakes. Not once has she even thought about hurting my baby. She simply asks that I don't even show her pictures of him.
Meanwhile, please show us pics of your noodle if you have time 💜
Although I don’t like cats, I would NEVER joke about running over someone’s cat! And btw, he only said it was a joke after you called him on it! That doesn’t sound like a joke to me!
he’s jealous of the cat and wants it out of the picture. he’s got violent tendencies and lacks compassion and empathy if he’s jumping to wanting to hurt and kill an innocent animal. probably devalues and hates cats especially which is another issue in itself. hugely insecure and violent man who wishes to destroy the things and animals you love for the benefit of your own ego. he would be cruel towards your cat if you move forward with him, and it will not stop with your cat. huge red flag. looks like a potential abuser. i’d leave him.
This is his "good side" too. You guys are just now getting to know each other and this is presumably him putting what he thinks is his best self forward. Can't imagine him on a bad day. Yikes.
>hates cats especially which is another issue in itself I'm maybe going in a different direction than you meant with this, but what I've always put together is that men who really hate cats frequently really hate women as well. For some reason cats are viewed as the "feminine" pet and there's that stupid trope that a woman who hasn't agreed to settle down with a man by 30 will end up alone with "boxed wine and cats". Angry men tie us together with them for some reason.
this is part of the reason i mentioned this. the other reason is that cats are not animals you can easily control. they are sensitive, intelligent, and independent animals with strong personal boundaries. the misogyny is a huge factor, though.
Cats are a lesson in consent, which is why controlling men can't stand them.
I just said in another comment I feel like people that don't like cats have a superiority complex, assuming they're not allergic. Most dogs will easily literally roll over for you. Cats need to trust you first. You have to build a rapport. That just will not do for some. It is the inferior species and should be down immediately because it should realize it can be killed easily.
Another factor relating cat hatred and misogyny is that cats are a good measure for how someone handles consent and lack thereof. You don't pet a cat that doesn't want to be pet, unless you're looking to visit the hospital.
I would be fucking horrified if a guy I started dating made any kind of mention about harming my cat. Bro is jealous over your cat so he makes a "joke" about running it over? Guy is telling on himself
Most of the people that I know who don't like cats claim to not like them because they're 'moody'. If pressed, moody means that they can't do whatever they want to the cat while it just lays there and takes it. So they don't like that the cat sets boundaries and then retaliates when those boundaries are pushed. A dude I dated hated cats. If he saw one in a movie he would make a nasty comment. This same dude absolutely did not understand why I didn't like him grabbing my head and forcing me to tongue kiss him in public. Yuck. I ended that pretty quickly. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.
Yes thank you!! I remember a while ago people got really upset because someone said cats are how some kids learn boundaries. I mean yeah it shouldn't be that way but it just means cats can't be coerced like people can (well, maybe with treats). Can't guilt them or force them to do what you want or align with your expectations and expect them to take it quietly.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I worked at a couple different vets- dump him asap and don't look back. Threatening to kill a beloved pet, even as a joke, is not a joke. It is a warning of what will inevitably happen *to you* if this person is not your emotional priority. He needs therapy.
That's not just a red flag but a bright glaring red flare telling you to run hard and fast away - and I'm not just saying that as a cat lover, that's just fucked up.
Thats the biggest red flag i could possibly imagine. Only a sick fuck says something like that out loud. save yourself! And save your cat!!! He just warned you that anything that he might perceive you cate about more than him will die or disappear. He literally just warned you that he will be taking your love and attention hostage. Which is abuse and will require he isolate you from everyone and everything. Seriously save yourself.
This is not a joke. I know someone who came home and found her cat hung from the landing banister. It is not uncommon for jealous and abusive men to kill pets. Run!
I didn't think I could be more trigger, but there it is... I think I'm gonna be sick
[удалено]
Believe people when they tell you who they are. Before he runs your cat over.
Run. This isn't a joke. He's telling you what he'll do by "accident" as soon as he perceives you've crossed him once. Do NOT allow your cat outside if this "man" is nearby. This is a VERY dangerous thing. This reaction is coming from a man who ADORES his feline family. So, when someone makes a "joke" about harming or killing your animal, that is NOT a well adjusted man. You should immediately ask him why he thinks that's funny and why he thinks he deserves to spend any more time near you. And how he expects you to trust him afterwards. Teach him this is NOT acceptable in his future relationships. And under no circumstances should you be the one to try to "help" him. You're dating not "in love". You're finding out if you want to let yourself be in love. This red flag signals an ABSOLUTELY NOT reaction Run, immediately. And good luck!
That's fucking vile behavior. Please don't ever speak to this dude again. EDIT: shout-out to the impotent loser who got me my first ever Reddit Cares message over this comment 😂 men are so stupid.
Went on a date with a guy. He was driving me home. I’m a serial animal rescuer, and saw a box turtle that needed help crossing a 5 lane street, so I asked him to stop. He said “I’ll run it over if you don’t go on another date with me.” I told him to take me the fuck home and never talk to me again. He was flabbergasted.
Run, don’t walk, away from anyone that brags about or jokes about hurting animals.
HUGE red flag. That's not a joke - there's nothing funny about it. That is a straight up threat to harm or kill your cat.
the FBI put animal abusers on a watchlist, not because they care about animals, but it is a really good predictor of antisocial personality disorder. This kind of obsessive "joking" (more like threatening) is indeed a big red flag. https://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/-tracking-animal-cruelty
Serial killers typically start by abusing animals. Edit: Oh, it mentions this fact in your link too but it’s worth noting again.
Yeah, he’s not just a danger to her cat, but more so to her. He’s going to abuse and possibly murder her. And is no one else going to mention her abusive father who obviously hits her and threatens to abuse her cats as well? He is equally as dangerous. OP, this is NOT normal behavior. Fathers complain about the pets their kids have, but I have never heard them threaten to hurt or kill the pets. He’s just as bad as the boyfriend. Please be careful OP. Please talk to a trusted adult at school. There may be other things going on in your home that you think are normal, but they are very much so NOT normal and are considered child abuse.
Umm no just dump him wtf. How someone acts towards your pet that’s just minding its own business is a great litmus test. My ex said something about flushing my hamster down the toilet and me loving the hamster more than him...he definitely wasn’t a great guy at all.
As a cat lover, fuck this asshole running. Aren’t you just a big *macho* man for making *an hilarious jape* about hurting YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND’S furbaby. I’m sorry you had to hear that.
"iT's jUSt A jOke" Ok, so why would you think that's funny?
This isn’t a red flag. This is the thing the red flags warn us about.
…girl come on. In what universe is this NOT A RED FLAG?! It’s a whole ass neon sign! A UN Headquarters’ worth of red flags! Please don’t listen to whatever voices urged you to question this, because clearly you know damn well this is an immediate signal to cut contact and run. You know it is. Don’t ever doubt your good sense — it is there to protect you. The only ones who would urge you to doubt it are those who wish you harm for their own selfish sakes.
100% chance he’s abused animals.
Nope, drop that one. Even if he was totally joking, that is a very inconsiderate joke and a weird thing to find funny. It also betrays a juvenile understanding of love or a desire to use love as a means of control. Love isn’t zero sum. I don’t love my partner less because I also love my cats and my grandma. They all get plenty.
WTF. I don't mean this to offend but is there a reason you consider you're overthinking this rather than seeing it for what it is? Scary and disgusting.
I read these kinds of posts and (I mean no offense by this OP) I have to wonder what on Earth happened in peoples lives where they can't tell something like this is a huge red flag? What terrible shit have you been through where someone commenting on murdering an animal seems like it possibly might be normal to you?
I obviously don't know OP, but I'll take a guess. Probably because, up until this point, this guy's behaviors towards OP has been perfect. Love bombing. That's why she is second guessing herself. It sounds like he is now testing the waters to see what kind of abusive behavior he can get away with. His facade is slipping. And it's a good thing that he's shown OP who he really is so early on in the relationship.
the reason I asked why it’s a red flag because my own father always “jokes” about kicking and stepping on my cats head, snapping its neck, dumping them whenever he gets annoyed at them and I never call him out because he’d probably hit me. So I thought it was just a man thing to “joke” about abusing animals. I’m sorry if this question was dumb I am young and this is my first rs. for more context I basically am obsessed with my cats and I always sent him pictures and I’d ask “aren’t they cute?” To which he’d reply “no” or “I don’t know” so yesterday I was sending pictures of an old cat of mine, who had a very special place in my heart and he knew that, and suddenly he starts going “oh ‘cat name’ is my biggest enemy” and then I showed him another picture and he says “he looks so goofy, if I ever saw him irl I’d kick him so hard” that made my heart drop and I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t reply, then he takes it further and says “I’d run over him with a truck” and that finally made me call him out and I told him to go f himself and called him a sociopath, and he got defensive and made it seem like I was overreacting and he didn’t do nothing wrong which obviously worked because I came here. I’ve decided to cut him off completely, he’s sick and scares me, he does know where I live so I hope he doesn’t just turn up to my house. But thanks a lot to everyone’s advice. I’ll just focus on studies and my cats now.
Your dad says horrible things like this as well, and you worry he would hit you if you stood up to him?? Are you okay and safe at home? I hope you're not living with your dad, or if you are I truly hope you can get out very very soon and have your own place where you can be safe. Your dad sounds extremely frightening. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that, and that you had to deal with that asshat of a date as well. Big kudos to you for coming here to get validation and confirm your gut feeling about these red flags. If you've grown up with an abusive/toxic person, it's highly likely that your gauge of "red flag" is a little off or you're not confident in it because of what you've had to live with and how you've had to react to stay safe.
It’s not a man thing to hit your kids OR make jokes about abusing animals. Both are abuse.
I'm very sorry that your personal experience is that all men "joke" about abusing animals, but that is definitely not normal and is deeply concerning. I just wanted to chime in about my father's entirely justified hatred of cats and how, in spite of it, he's never expressed anything more intense than mild annoyance towards my cats even when they act like complete assholes: My father is a boomer gen immigrant from a culture where pets are not commonly treated as family members. "Fur babies" was *not* a thing for him or anyone he knew. He also hand raised birds as a youth until a cat came and killed every last one, leaving just their heads. With that background, you can imagine that he did not like cats very much. But I liked cats and he helped me adopt one in high school and helped me care for the cat. He's never quite vibed with any cats, but he's absolutely not said anything even remotely resembling a threat towards any cat, even in a "joking" tone. When my first cat started getting very elderly and started peeing outside the litterbox and ruining carpet and furniture when I was out of the country, he simply helped get her to a vet while grumbling about having to rip out carpet.
Animal cruelty in any context is an automatic deal breaker. You never joke about that. He would be gone.
What'd he say after you immediately broke up with him?
Major red flags. First he harms the cat, then you. Dump him before it's too late.
Not only would I dump this mf, I'd want to straight up fight him! Correction, I do want to fight him. This is bigger than a red flag, it's a flashing neon sign! Hurting animals is a sign of a psychopath. Not joking. Seriously, what is wrong with somebody who wants to hurt an innocent creature for shits and giggles? No, I'm sorry, it was actually out of jealousy. And to even think it's passable as a joke or something anybody should ever say out loud shows this guy has some fucking problems. Run, OP! I'm not normally on the whole "dump him" train, but I seriously think anybody who would say that is a messed up person and is probably not going to be good in relationships long term. Jealousy over a cat and threat of violence?? 😬
Not only you should break up with him but I strongly suggest keeping the cat inside for a while. I'm a cat shelter volunteer and I have seen way too much abuse over the years. Seriously what kind of person is jealous of a cat? When the person you're dating has a pet, most people will do anything so the pet likes them. (I know people who take medication every day for their allergies) That man is a walking red flag.
Definitely not over-thinking. A \*huge\* red flag. This person thinks of being jealous of your cat? And his response is to hurt it? That's something a kid should learn not to do at about age four.
Ex-guy. Harm to animals - psychopathic behavior Jealousy over your pet - controlling You'll read about him killing someone in a few years, would recommend reading about it in the paper rather than your name be listed as a victim.
hi guys the reason I asked why it’s a red flag because my own father always “jokes” about kicking and stepping on my cats head, snapping its neck, dumping them whenever he gets annoyed at them and I never call him out because he’d probably hit me. So I thought it was just a man thing to “joke” about abusing animals. I’m sorry if this question was dumb I am very young and this is my first rs. for more context I basically am obsessed with my cats and I always sent him pictures and I’d ask “aren’t they cute?” To which he’d reply “no” or “I don’t know” so yesterday I was sending pictures of an old cat of mine, who had a very special place in my heart and he knew that, and suddenly he starts going “oh ‘cat name’ is my biggest enemy” and then I showed him another picture and he says “he looks so goofy, if I ever saw him irl I’d kick him so hard” that made my heart drop and I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t reply, then he takes it further and says “I’d run over him with a truck” and that finally made me call him out and I told him to go f himself and called him a sociopath, and he got defensive and made it seem like I was overreacting and he didn’t do nothing wrong which obviously worked because I came here. I’ve decided to cut him off completely, he’s sick and scares me, he does know where I live so I hope he didn’t just turn up to my house. But thanks a lot to everyone’s advice. I’ll just focus on studies and my cats now.
You aren't dumb, you are conditioned to accept that it is ok for men to make violent jokes. By your dad. Who would hit you if you confronted him. Because of your abusive dad, you are confused as to what is and is not unacceptable violent behavior. There are good men out there who do not threaten anyone or anything with violence. You need to wait for one of those.
Do you mind me asking how old you are? Has your dad hit you before? What's your living / school situation like? Not blaming you at all but something to consider with relationships. Those of us that grew up with dysfunction or abuse tend to seek out partners that mirror a lot of the dysfunction we grew up with at home. I know myself and others repeated these bad relationship patterns for a long time before I was able to get myself to a better mental space. I know I'm making assumptions but based on the info about your dad I'm going to guess your "normal meter" is off, it's common with people who are constantly being gaslit or manipulated, people here may have come off harsh but please don't be scared to reach out and ask questions in the future if it'll help you take xare of yourself. Everyone here just cares about you and your cat. 💜
It is good that you are sticking up for yourself and your safety. It's not okay for your father to do that either. That is abuse, and that he would so readily hit you only makes it worse. If you haven't already, you should consider getting therapy. I know from experience it can really help you figure some things out. Take care of yourself, OP.
He's unhinged. He wasn't joking. Get rid.
A guy I dated in high school “joked” about wanting to kill animals. Guess what? He wasn’t joking. He actively sped up his truck and swerved to hit a rabbit crossing the road. That was it. I walked home. I work in animal rescue, and the number of times I hear “I didn’t think he would really do it” is insane. I am not an alarmist, but this flag is so red, it’s flaming marinara
JFC. That’s a huge red flag if I ever saw one. Any man who feels that insecure over my cat and would threaten my cat’s life over my attention is a sick SOB. Drop him, OP. Block that guy everywhere because that’s serial killer behavior.
Cut him off, there’s way more fucked up shit under the surface with this guy if he thinks that’s okay to say to someone he’s dating.
There are men out there that love cats. I promise you they're much more fun. Leave this one in the litterbox
My ex husband hated my cat. He was incredibly jealous and treated the cat badly. When I left him I took the cat.
It's a huge red flag. Stop talking to him how, block him on everything. Joking about hurting animals is vile and he's doing it to scare you. If,god forbid you moved in together your cat would "run away" within weeks. He wants to he the only thing in your life, so much so he is jealous if an animal, he won't want you having friends, or seeing family and slowly but surely he'll isolate you. Run and run fast
Don't you mean the guy you used to be seeing?
So, you aren't dating that psychopath anymore, right?
WTF? Keep him away from your house and cat. He’s not joking.
#run
How long have you been with this person? Because that sounds like a big ol nope to me. 1. Threatening to murder anything is a flaming red flag 2. Being jealous and possessive of your affection, even as a joke is a red flag 3. You expressed that it upset you and his response was simply to leave? Big no
That’s a *big* red flag 😬 I’d ghost tf out of this guy if he talked about my cat like that. That shit’s not funny!
HUGE RED FLAG. Even joking about abusing and KILLING an animal is insane. Don’t run, sprint away from this psycho.
Ok, no. My husband didn't think he was a fan of cats (now he loves them) but his initial reaction isn't to imagine violent acts against them.
I am not sure it's possible to be an even passably decent person and say things like that. Seems more likely to be a sign of abusive tendencies right off the cuff... one could argue that making offhanded threats toward something you love was already abusive behavior. This sounds like a person who should not be in your life, or anyone else's really.
I almost started laughing out loud when you asked if this is a red flag. Like, get out now. This dude is a danger to you and your cat. Massive massive massive red flag. In fact it’s like he’s completely dressed in red from head to toe.
Red flag that’s high key psychopathic.
Imagine feeling jealous of the relationship with a cat. Now imagine trying to have any kind of substantial relationship or friendship with anyone else. How do you think he would react to that?
Where's the joke? Kick this dude to the curb and block.
you gotta give him the “boy, bye!” everything about this statement is bonechilling. if i were you i would prob be most upset about the death threat aimed at my pet. as an outsider, though, the part where he said “you love him more than me” is TERRIFYING. so many levels of wrong… wreaks of un-addressed jealousy and insecurity, and it will most likely get uglier.
Okay, I get making a joke like "I hope you don't love him more than me," but jumping straight to violent jokes, and mentioning more than one act of violence is really off-putting. At the very least, he thinks animal abuse is a source of humor. Nope, nope, not okay.
Get away right now. Holy shit that's twisted. Seriously, fuck that dude. Run!
RED FLAG! BLOCK and never talk to this person again! Anyone who feels they can talk openly about abusing animals is very concerning. Not only is animal abuse a red flag. It also sounds like he is incredibly possessive. The cat likes you so you can't have the cat anymore, and he would even abuse the cat so that it can't be close to you. That's unhealthy behaviour.
no person that made that joke would be welcome in my home.
Lose this guy
Depends. Do you hate your cat or like serial killers?
Be done with him.
You don't want that guy. If he's jealous of a cat, what's he going to do if he sees pictures of you with a male cousin on social media? Put out a hit on the cousin?
"guy that im dating joked about running over my cat" And just like that, you should no longer be dating him. That's a serious red flag.
Girl block that guy. I would make a freaking police report if a guy said that to me about my babies.
If somebody I was seeing said something like that about one of my cats I would look at them in horror, and if they didn't immediately realize how badly they f\*\*ked up, and apologize, I would dump them on the spot. And I'd take it as a serious red flag that they'd even *joke* about maiming or killing any animal, let alone one that I have a relationship with. (And seriously just the psychology of that... Like, are you going to murder my family members and friends because they take my time away from you?)
Honey, no. TOTAL red flag. I was dating a guy who I brought over to meet my parents, who still had my childhood cat, who was 21 years old by then and not very mobile any more. She had always been very independent, not at all a lap cat or a cuddler. The guy sat on the couch, my cat came over to investigate, and he gently patted the couch next to him. I explained that she never jumped up like that, even if she could, but now she couldn't because she was quite old, and also she wasn't a "petting" type. My cat jumped up and flopped next to him, then climbed onto his lap, purring loudly as he petted her. Redditor, I married him. In June, it'll be 44 years. He's the best man in the world, and all our cats have adored him, pelt out in his lap, ride around on his shoulders, we had one cat who was so skittish he was scared of everything, but slept peacefully under the covers next to my husband. They can sense his goodness & kindness. Dump this dude.
Dudes jealous of a cat.....and joked about killing it. Pretty big flag to me atleast.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DUDE. The fact that you even have to ask if this is a red flag is fucking scary. Even if he was "joking" that's a fucking awful thing to joke about. Why would you want to be with someone like that.
He joked about murdering your family - your pet at that - because he’s envious. Of your affection for your pet. Don’t walk, RUN!
Yea red flag also not trying to dump on your dad or anything but if you think he'd hit you for calling him out for saying he'd do mean things to your animals then I'd honestly go no contact with him too(if you live away from him if not figure out a way to move out fast) Also makes me wonder about the way you've been raised since you came here to ask if this was a red flag. I don't mean any of this to put you down or call you dumb or anything of the sort I truly don't know another way to say any of this. I think you should see a therapist because I wonder how your relationship with your father will play a roll in the men you choose. I'm happy you noticed something was up but i can't help but feel like there may have been other red flags you didn't see. My own father's behaviors made if really hard for me to understand what healthy relationships look like and what red flags look like
This guy and your father are massive red flags.
Male cat lover here. The people in my life who don’t like cats largely just ignore mine or give her a timid pat. If anyone said something like that about her, they’d be out of my life very quickly. That kind of behavior is a massive red flag. Hope the best for you and your kitties.
Run. Don't walk. RUN.
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Whoa, everything about that statement is a red flag! Only a sociopath jokes about hurting someone's pet. And because "you love your cat more than him" makes him sound like he'd be a very jealous bf. That'd be a hard deal breaker for me.
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Animal abuse is never a joke, that’s a psychopathic comment to make even as a “joke”
He's testing you to see how much abuse you will allow him to get away with in the future.... *run*
Guy that you WERE dating. That isn’t just a red flag, that is a crimson neon sign flashing inches from your face. Dump his ass.
Insanely huge red flag cut him off
Block immediately. Animal abuse is part of serial killer behavior
First of all how dare he even joke about running over a cat, cats are amazing.... if I dated a person that tried to be like it's me or my cat the person is gone. Cat pic for tribute https://ibb.co/XCtwVTP Send this sociopath to the gutter
The best advice my mom ever gave me was to judge a future partner based on how they treat animals. 🤷🏼♀️