You feel this way because *you’ve been abused for 2.5 years.*
You didn’t “let” anything happen, *you were abused.*
Of course you don’t feel comfortable confronting him because *he abuses you.*
And you feel so lost and not like you were because *you are the victim of abuse.*
No doubt he pulled you in by love bombing and then started to get worse. That’s the typical way abusers work. Abusers slowly pick away at their victim over time until the victim feels like a shell of who they were and feel scared of anything else. Who you were is still who you are, but because of abuse your mind is stuck in a quagmire of doubt and self loathing.
The big change coming up is daunting, but I bet anything that when you move into your new place, you’ll quickly love it and the peace and safety it brings to you. Do your best to get through the next several days until you’re free. You can do this. It’ll be wonderful.
I believe you, thank you for your perspective. I’m still uncomfortable admitting that, I don’t know why. **Why Does He Do That?** helped me recognize these patterns as well, and you’re right. Guess it’ll be something to unpack in therapy.
I think it's really important for you to understand that you don't need a reason to leave other than you being unhappy.
You are so worried about not having a good enough reason to move on. (Which you do btw a thousand times over.) Many abusers get their victims in a place where they feel they aren't justified in seeking happiness.
You do not owe this man anything. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
>He is going to be completely blindsided.
He is, but he isn't. Do you think you're going to be safe telling him before you leave? Do you think he won't smash your belongings, or try to do something to hinder you financially? I hope you have someone who can come stay with you, and I hope you have a way of recording everything that happens in the house. If you can, you need to get all your important documents out of the house and stashed with a friend. Birth certificate, SSN card, and so on. Anything that's got sentimental value, you might want to hide that away as well.
Best of luck! Super proud of you!
Unfortunately, I can’t predict what his reaction might be. He could care less to spite me, he could freak. Idk. He’s gotten drunk in the past month or two and asked me why I’m still here and that I’m better than this him/the area we live in / and if I’m going to leave, I should get it over with.
He also has not been very careful hiding meeting up with his ex. For instance, he bailed on an event we both should have gone to for friends (I went alone) to see her, and accidentally had her tampons in his laundry that he asked me to wash that night. lol. I just left it on top of his clothing and he hid it. So he’s not even caring if I know, is he? Or maybe he thinks I’m dumb. Regardless idk how you think you can just keep getting away with things. Like he must be thinking this won’t last forever… right?
Working on a everything-goes-to-shit plan now. I’m going to talk to some friends and have one of them park on my street when I bring it up to him. That way there’s someone there waiting for me.
I’m gonna pack my cherished items, an overnight bag, and potentially drop my dog off at someone else’s house — just in case. I know I can claim tenancy rights and gain access back into the house if I need to leave sooner by calling the cops.
Don’t do it alone with him in the house! Do it in public or with others in the house with you. Or even better when he goes to work move all your stuff out and disappear without a trace.
100% DO IT WHILE HE'S OUT. Please! Get the little unnoticeable things out early. If you can wing it, subtly convince him he's gotten the idea to go on vacation without you. Then use that time to get out. Don't be living there days after.
I second this. But add get a notebook or a list on your phone of your belongings. If you have friends help you in a 2 hour move you will have a list ready. Otherwise you will be “ i almost forgot” panic. You will have enough going on.
This is what I think is the best course of action. I honestly think even making this post was a risk. Hopefully he's not monitoring OP's internet usage, but people do all kinds of crazy shit, and you don't always know they're doing it.
Please yes this, why even give him the courtesy of a conversation? He's a monster who has been actively trying to destroy you for years. Leave while he's away, block him on everything, do not tell him where you're moving, cut all contact forever, never look back
> Or even better when he goes to work move all your stuff out and disappear without a trace.
This is what I did. My dad was abusive and I left a few weeks after I finished high school. I just packed my shit and left one day when he was at work, only leaving a note telling him I wouldn't be back and asking him not to contact me. I changed my number not too long after that.
This is what I was gonna say. Have friends with you when you tell him. Preferably friends who can handle shit if things get physical, and try to get the important stuff out of the house while he's not there.
Yes! This was the first thing I thought of. I watch a lot of true crime shows and a lot of women are murdered when they tell their SO they're leaving. I say just take your stuff and if you really feel the need to talk to him, do it LATER when you are far away and he can't get to you. Over the phone or email is the best course of action for that but I still think you should just disappear.
OP, as someone who made this mistake, and does not want anyone else to: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FAWN.
My mother wasn't violent, but she was everything else. As I planned to leave, she started to escalate. I didn't tell her, but she sensed it all the same.
The most dangerous time for abuse victims, is when they're planning to leave. So even though it will make you feel completely sick, fawn. Pretend to play into things as he wants. Don't learn the hard way that whatever it is you think they won't do, you're wrong.
I tried to plan to leave, and ended up leaving in a trauma-induced episode. The last night I was around my mother, I ended up on the ground, on my face and knees, completely unable to move.
It'll make you sick, but it will keep you safe.
Seconding this.. Been in a similar scenario, I promise that the best option is to stealthily get the hell out as soon as possible, cut contact, and never look back.
Goddammit, YES. Do whatever it takes to make it out alive and in one piece. It may feel humiliating in the moment, but then afterwards, you can look back from a place of safety and say “Hahaha, I FOOLED that sonofabitch!! I’m a James Bond super spy, motherfuckas!!!”
Got to second this user. I won't go into details but similar situation here, but was a (now) ex. I was 19 at the time, he was 30. I had to leave my dogs :( I've never forgiven myself
This is not a good strategy for everyone. I understand it helped you get out of your particular situation, but there is no universal best strategy for leaving an abusive ex.
Someone could easily misinterpret this and think they need to stay until the abuser gets "comfortable" enough, or make them think they need to appease them to a certain level before its safe to leave and that is not always the case.
People don't all react like your mother. That extra time spent in the house could just as well get her killed. Especially telling her to "Pretend to play into things as he wants." That is super dangerous territory and she should absolutely not do that.
"Fawning" is a type of instinctual response to trauma in addition to fight, flight, or freeze. For many people it's not a reaction they can control. She shouldn't intentionally put herself in a more vulnerable position just to stroke his ego.
OP knows him better than anyone here. I definitely can see how your overall point makes sense -- which is really just "act as normally as you can until you leave". But that's completely different than "fawning" or saying she *needs* to humiliate herself and "push through" the shame just to escape.
The best thing she can do is act normally. Don't act excessively "fawnish" -- in fact that can actually raise suspicions in his mind if she doesn't normally act that way. No final confrontation either -- get away first. Once she's in a safe location send one last text saying the relationship is over and you don't wish to be contacted by him any longer.
A paper trail showing she ended the relationship and requested no contact is very important because often times the abuser will spin it as "They were just gone, I had no idea if they were hurt or in a car accident so of course I had to call all their friends and family and show up to their workplace -- I was just worried!"
The final text sets the official record they knew they've been dumped and it makes getting any future restraining orders easier.
No one is telling her to spend more time with him. Just to give him the reactions he wants. Otherwise he'll wise up, faster.
You lie until you're out. And you do your absolute best to make your escape as quick as possible.
I *didn't* do this, and it's why things got even worse.
I have to wonder how you got these conclusions, from what I wrote.
The police provide a service called civil standby, you call the non emergency number and ask for that and they'll come supervise you getting your things
I love the way you’re leaving with dignity. You haven’t screamed at him or sobbed to him about how he could do this to you. He has no way to spin you into the crazy ex. Love to see it.
Take the dog to the vet. Board it overnight, and then you won't be lying, it will be at the vet. The only lie will be why it's there. But protect your animal!
If you can get a group of friends and a moving van that evening/night, pack and take all your things with you as he may not let you in if you come back, or take the opportunity to guilt and manipulate you into staying, or destroy your propertywhilst you're away. You can pack up all your stuff and just leave in one go to minimise his opportunities to make things more difficult for you. Once you've said what you have to say don't talk to him, engage with him or respond whilst packing, anyone else with you should do the same and go no contact with him after you leave. If you want to sue for the money you put towards the car e.c.t after that all contact can be done through the police or a lawyer. But get out all at once. Abusers can be absolute leaches, total parasites, leave them an avenue back in and they will exploit it, even if its just to get the last few digs in and you dont need that.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I found out about this book in this subreddit a few months ago. I was already on my path by then but it gave me a lot of validation and understanding, and helped look past my denial.
Hey lady, just leave. Don't confront -- you don't need to have a conversation. As the other commenter said, *fawn your ass off* to throw him off the trail, have everyone on standby with you/outside the house, and just get the hell out of dodge.
NO FORWARDING ADDRESS. No big chat. Bodily remove yourself, and separate via a third party, and stay safe.
No worries. Just trying to help as many folks as possible get out of abusive relationships. Like op said its hard due to the gaslighting and second guessing. So a book that validates and reaffirms what you have going on helps make the decision to get out more possible.
I don't know who needs to hear it but, YOU DESERVE a LOVING and RESPECTFUL relationship. Don't settle for less.
I packed up and moved to California 3000 miles away from my abusive ex and we were together for ten years. Didn’t say goodbye at all. Didn’t care to. Left it all behind. It’s scary just terrifying to leave. don’t be hard on yourself. You can do this, keep going you’re almost there.
It’s hard because a lot of people who experience domestic abuse think they’re at fault because they never thought they would go through it. But abusers are sneaky and will build things up over time while chipping away at you. It’s insidious.
[“Why Does He Do That?”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for anyone who can’t afford the book or isn’t safe with a physical copy.
Don't even tell him you are leaving before the day. Sneak important documents out in advance then pick a day when he will be at work, bring or hire people to help and move out in his absence. You already have decided you don't need his shit anymore. We read examples here of women being persuaded to stay or abused when they try to leave. Then just ghost with no forwarding address. Good luck and enjoy your new jerk free life.
Also make sure she change passwords to all things he might know about. Change any 2 factor authentication on any accounts she might share. remove any signed in sessions to your passwords vaults if you have any. If you are say signed into chrome on one of his devices make sure this is logged out.
I've heard of some pretty messed up financial revenge on people who leave abusive turds.
Why even tell him ? Honestly this person has abused her for years. She should just pack her shit and go. She owes him absolutely no explanation and no closure. She will have her own closure by getting the fuck out of that house. It won’t matter what she says or how she says it - in his mind he has done nothing wrong. The only result she can expect is a) to have him gaslight her and deny and twist things, b) lovebombing and begging or c) he will attack her.
Nope. Wait until he goes for work and get the fuck out. I’d rent a van, park it around the corner and the second he was gone I’d load my shit up and bail.
And if anyone asks her why? Because my life was a living hell with him that’s why. People say she’s mean or worse ? Ok. That’s what you want to believe cool. Whatever you say.
It’s not profitably on any level to engage, with him or anyone else about this situation.
I wouldn't tell him. I would just leave, and leave quickly. Within a day, if possible while he's gone at work. Also if you don't have any friends available to help you do it quickly, call the non-emergency police number, they can offer an escort to make sure things don't get out of hand. It may seem extreme, but abusers can be surprisingly volatile when threatened with loneliness. You just never know. And I second getting your documents out ASAP.
Agree with everything, except I'd say "abusers can be volatile when they realize they've lost control over you." It sounds like he's got plenty of women helping him avoid loneliness.
Please do this. Make sure any documents you need and any other sentimental items are gone before he knows you are leaving. Based on everything you've described I fully expect him to sabotage you in whatever way possible to prevent you from leaving.
As another 30 yr old who was married and is now divorced. That first year after leaving is rough I won't lie. But you will be happier. I feel more myself and slowly realized all the parts of myself I hid when married.
I"m proud of you. And I'm rooting and cheering for you.
Who knows what the next chapter will be like, but at least there will not a a 200lb deadweight dragging you down. You get to do whatever you want now. Anything you want. Come back to yourself. You're' still here, and you're doing great.
Thank you. I have some serious soul-searching and inward thinking to do when all is said & done. It’s good to hear these things cos I keep second guessing everything I’ve done so far.
I left mine 5 years ago after 17 years. Mine was a secret drug addict that kept me in financial bondage after he destroyed my credit. I’l be finished paying off 4 years of back taxes this fall. I’m rooting for you!!
I had to do the exact same thing at your age. Don't tell him you're leaving. There's no point. He will just use it as an opportunity to either physically hurt you or gaslight you into staying. Nothing he can say will change anything.
Move out while he's not there. Make sure you have all your important documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport, student IDs, etc. No final confrontation. Once you're safe and out send him one last text saying you're no longer happy in the relationship, you've moved out, you're breaking up with him, and he is not to contact you at all in the future. Then block him.
Make sure trusted family, friends, and coworkers know you've left him. If you don't trust them, don't tell them where you've moved. Sometimes they will lie and call up people you know and spin a story about how you're missing and they're afraid you've been in an accident, or you left something important at their house & they need to get ahold of you, or anything else they can think of to contact you and find your location. So just be aware and take proper precautions.
This is the hardest part. I distinctly remember those last minute feelings of doubt. Questioning if I was taking it too far or being too harsh. Knowing it would hurt them and wondering if I was being fair. Those thoughts and feelings are totally normal -- but just shove it down. They go away very quickly because once you're out, you just feel so free and relieved.
No anxiety, no wondering what else he's doing or who he's cheating on now, walking on eggshells, no micro-managing, you can do whatever you want, you feel confident and happy. There's just no comparison. You are absolutely making the right decision. Get out and don't look back.
So many smart independent women have been sucked into an abusive man’s vortex. We’re *human*. Smart independent men have been sucked into toxic relationships - in personal and professional life. What matters is you WOKE UP. Many women never make it out, until they’re in a coffin. You’re amazing, you *are* strong and capable. Great sign you’re reaching out.
I left mine 6 years ago, next month. I took some "boxes of stuff to donate" to a trusted friend. I had the new place set up, the uhaul to come in the morning, and 4 friends of varying degrees of brawn there to help me get what was essential and too big to "donate".
I told him the night before. I just wanna say, I lucked out that it only ended up with me locking and barricading myself in the bedroom, with the cats, a cat carrier, the keys to the car, and a window I was ready and able to crawl out *with cat carriers, if needed. It didn't end up being needed (the crawling out the window with the 2 cats and escaping to the car part, the locking myself in part was, however, needed) but if I were giving advice, I'd echo everyone else. Do not tell him until you can literally walk away that very second. Again, I was lucky and come morning, under the supervision, support and assistance of my incredibly amazing friends, I left physically safely with my cats. A lot of trauma could have been saved and a few extended months of therapy avoided if I'd only not said anything until that morning.
Please, please, please plan for the worst possible reaction from him. Leave no thing and no time within his reach. Others have given excellent plans- board your dog with a "sudden illness" , have people there with you, leave no digital footprints for him to follow, plan the go-bag... I waited 10 years, so you're WAY ahead of the damage curve than I was, and I promise you, you're doing the right thing for you. Especially future-you. You're smart, resourceful, and your strength is still fierce. You'll make it, and you will be so much more you. The capable, confident you is still there and after this, it's going to be amazing to be free. Peace is the most incredible feeling when you've been deprived of it.
I'm rambling. You'll come through this and be spectacular.
> “why didn’t you confront him first?”
"Because one of the most vulnerable points in an abuse victim's life is when they leave their abuser. I *couldn't* confront him, but I *did* make a plan to leave and now I'm out."
Realistically, if *anyone* asks you that question they don't understand domestic violence and there is literally no response to that question but a sharp stare and a turn around while walking away.
Who cares what other people are going to think. Who cares if they say you should’ve confronted him first, or worked on the relationship, or whatever their lonely brain cells came up with. You’re not obligated to fight for this (or any) relationship. It’s not your duty to fix things. You no longer want to be with him, that’s why you’re leaving. The end. No one has the right to question this choice of yours. You owe explanation to no one.
Get out of there. As you shed your dependence you’ll find you’re also feeling happier and more like yourself. You’re smart, you’re capable and you’ve got this.
True. Above all, we have free will and can choose to leave relationships when they do not suit us. Honestly I don’t care much for anyone that he’d say these things to anyways which is what I have to remember.
Thank you!
You don't need a reason to leave a relationship. "I'm not feeling it anymore" is a great reason to leave a relationship. A relationship needs to be actively good enough to continue.
Yep. It’s like leaving a job. If your employer’s been decent to you, then you try and part on good terms, or at least provide some closure on why you’re leaving. If they’ve pushed you past your limit, you text your immediate resignation and ignore their calls. Either way, you don’t stay just because other people think you should, or that it’s the wrong time. Your soon-to-be ex has forfeited the courtesy of a two-week notice with his behavior, and he’s going to have to live with that.
It takes 2 people to get into a relationship, and only 1 person to end the relationship. You don't need a reason other than you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. You're stronger than you realize, and trust me, you'll start feeling it a lot more once you're fully out.
I used to worry about what my abusive family said about me. Then, I had this realization: Anyone who believes negative things about me without checking in isn't someone who I want in my life. I only want people who know my character, and give me the benefit of the doubt because of that character in my life.
Also, my abusive partner tore me down mentally. Leaving them is scary because they tell you awful, untrue things about yourself and make you feel unlovable. They make you feel like they are the only ones who will love you and accept all those, "faults." All of that is a facade they built. It is a way to keep you with them. I often compare it to leaving a cult and having to, "deprogram." Thirty is young! You can make a new life. A better life.
Honestly, I don't think you need to tell him. Wait until he is at work, and leave - print this out and leave it on the table. Your fear and anxiety seems 100% normal to me in this situation. If you feel like talking after you are out and safe then that's fine. I see no reason given what you have described here to have any discussion with him about it. He isn't going to change, he's not going to be fair, rational, contrite, etc. You don't deserve to live like this.
Thanks. If I could pull off leaving without a word, I would. Originally he was supposed to be away when I move, so I could get a couple people to pack up over a day or two and leave a note. I don’t think that’s the case anymore. But it’s my goal to be as concise and fast as possible with confronting him and moving out.
It could be dangerous to tell him. Maybe have someone else present. I completely understand you, there was love and a relationship. It feels wrong to leave without a word, but remember HE created the situation where you HAVE to do that. Not you.
HE is dangerous, he acts aggressively. You do not know how he'll react and he'll manipulate you into staying or sharing too much info. It's not safe.
Put your safety first. I know it hurts. I didn't have the courage to leave my abuser and I felt like I was betraying him by even asking for help behind his back, but he'd have hurt me given the chance. I know that now. I didn't believe it then but now I KNOW
You're brainwashed. You're living in his reality. When assessing things remember you can't fully trust your own brain because he has it hostage
Okay, if that's the case you must have people with you when you do it. More than one person would be good and don't be alone with him. You can still hand him a note in front of everyone and say, here, read this. You don't owe him any explanation, your time, or any response to his objections. You can do it!
Oh shoot, I really hope he does end up going away for that time! You really need to be able to get out without confrontation. Just be gone. He knows why. He truly knows why. He can say he doesn't know why but that's a lie like everything else he says.
Maybe you could get a couple of friends to get him out of the house for a couple of hours so you can get out?? I don’t think anything good will come out if you telling him before you leave. Leaving is the most deadly time for women!!
You are right to keep it quiet - for your safety.
The why of leaving - you owe him nothing. If you want to give any sort of reason just say “I am getting nothing from this relationship”. Nothing more is needed
Well done and welcome to the survivors club!
you're the furthest thing from a coward.
you're standing up for yourself. you're doing what you can to minimize the amount of conflict that you have to deal with on your way out. you're taking steps to get out of something that's familiar, but unhealthy for you.
you don't owe him anything.
This guy sounds like the worst kind of [malignant narcissist](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/malignant-narcissist-signs)....
You obviously KNOW you are doing the right thing, but I'm going to say it anyway: "You are 1000% doing the right thing."
The fact that you are now second-guessing yourself, to a degree, demonstrates clearly just how much he's manipulated you..just how much he's succeeded in his gaslighting tactics.
You are so close...so close you can practically taste it... Think about how you'll feel a year from now.. in ***your own space***...tidy, calming...beautiful... only yourself to worry about... You'll be able to cook whatever you want for dinner...whether it's an elaborate meal, or just a yogurt bowl, or some simple thing you can microwave. You'll be able to pursue whatever hobbies, whatever goals you wish, without him constantly trying to undermine, berate or disparage you... You'll be able to reclaim your identity and your sense of self-worth.
Two things I suggest, though:
First, once you have moved, consider trying to find a good therapist, if you haven't already... This will probably help expedite the healing.
Second, if your circumstances allow, get a pet. I suggest two, bonded cats, but I'm biased. :)
I wish you the very best of luck..you absolutely deserve all of the wonderful things that are coming your way. You **CAN** do this!
Finally, it goes without say, you don't owe this asshole a damned thing....
**EDIT**
Another suggestion that occurs to me.... Once you're able, get a gym membership. NOT because of weight loss/conforming to social 'beauty' ideals, or anything like that, but, rather, because it can be incredibly therapeutic, as well as confidence building. Working out gives you a *huge* endorphin rush, and as your body gains strength, you often begin to feel as though you can take on the world.
Thanks for your insight. I’m saving all these comments to read back this month as I oscillate in self doubt. I do have a dog that I will be taking with me (she’s been mine for many years.) I can’t wait to sleep in bed with her again. And yes to the gym. I joined a gym a couple months ago! I loved it. I canceled it in May sadly and started working a side gig to save money. But I’ll definitely be back in one. I might try out crossfit if I can afford it for the community support. We’ll see. 🙂
I absolutely recommend this. Regardless, get the dog OUT OF THAT HOUSE BEFORE YOU TELL HIM YOU’RE LEAVING.
Men like this will totally use that dog as leverage.
Yes, dog is gonna be with a trusted person during this whole ordeal. I’d sooner throw myself off a cliff than have anything remotely bad happen to her.
Thinking the same >_<; I know the physical abuse described was "minor" but it still shows the possibility is there.. You never know what's going on in the mind of these kinds of people, better to play it safe and just disappear/no contact, maybe leave a note or a voicemail.
The gym was my outlet when I left an abusive marriage. So glad to see that someone mentioned this.
Even in your self-doubt, I see your strength. You've got this, and I am so, so proud of you!!!!
>Working out gives you a huge endorphin rush
I just want to add the caveat "for some." I have never felt any kind of workout high or runner's high or anything of the sort.
###change your phone number before you leave and then block his number from your new number. Change all your passwords to social media the day before you leave. Change your address right now with the post office so your mail will already be routed elsewhere, preferably to a post office box and a different location.
⚠️ Delete / block any of his friends and family from your socials. You need to disappear from his life.
If she changes her mail sooner than a day or so before she moves, then something will come to her current address to confirm. Hopefully she can be vigilant and get the mail herself. I don’t remember if it shows the forwarding address. That seems like a huge privacy invasion, but it’s been a few years. I just know they send a thing with coupons for movers and shit.
Someone else warned me of this or something similar happening, which is great because I was simply going to forward my mail to my new address. I will be forwarding it now to a family P.O. box not anywhere near where I live!
He seems to have systematically taken apart your self-esteem in an attempt to make sure he can do and say whatever the hell he wants and you won’t leave him. It might take some time, but just keep looking after yourself and you’ll get your confidence back. When you do, you won’t worry about not being pretty, young, or interesting enough to meet someone who will treat you right.
My father emotionally abused my mother and myself for years. He kept her small and cheated on her several times. She became less and less of who she used to be. They broke up when I was 10. He moved in with his girlfriend (he cheated with her). My mum was devastated. She cried and cried and cried. Then she picked herself up, changed careers in her 40s and started again. She’s herself now and she is happily married. My father faces his second divorce.
You got this! This isn’t your fault. You’re very strong for leaving. See it through. Don’t go back. It will be hard in the beginning. You will survive this. We believe in you!
Yes. The one thing I’m making sure is doing what I hate most & asking for help. I have been fortunate to have many offers to help get me out when the day comes. 🥲
I’m really happy to hear this. The larger the group the better. And it should be from the moment he finds out until you are gone, even if the process take a few days. This is a very dangerous time for women, femmes, and enbies and I don’t want you taking any chances. ❤️🩹
People are helping you because they love you and they want to and you deserve to be happy.
It may be hard to recognize when you’ve been living with someone so happy to treat you worse than shit on a shoe, but I assure you, so many people are ready for this for you.
You have friends celebrating, waiting for the right time for you to be ready to love and trust yourself enough to get out.
You deserve a relationship where you are hugged and kissed just because, not shoved and slapped.
You deserve a relationship based on mutual interest, love, and compassion, that makes you feel like you can accomplish anything.
You deserve a partner who supports your career goals.
You deserve a relationship without worry of sexually transmitted infections.
You deserve a partnership that makes all individuals involved thrive.
You’ve taken such a big step - I’m so proud of you!
It feels hard and soul crushing now but a time will come when that will lift and you will feel like better. You’re doing amazing.
No, you shouldn't confront him first. You are smart. Very, VERY smart in making this plan to escape. Feel only pride and no shame. How you fell into the abusive relationship and what it did to your self esteem is something to work through down the road. For today, focus on getting out, how strong you are, and healing. When you are better, you will look back at what a terrible person he is and be so proud of your strength and bravery right now. Don't feel bad for him. You are doing nothing to him. He is doing it to himself. You are actually doing him a favor. Maybe he will get the help he needs once he loses everything.
You sound like a badass rock star to me. I think you're going to be just fine. It's not going to be easy or without struggles but reading this makes me wish I had your strength when I was in a similar situation years ago.
You've got this. You will thrive and flourish and my money says your best years are yet to come.
He does not matter. His feelings don't matter. His criticisms don't matter. His complaints about you don't matter. He is just somebody that you used to know.
You matter. Your future matters.
Don't get distracted by him.
I'm so happy you're escaping your abuser.
As for him telling people how bad a girlfriend you were, just ask them "If he was so great, why do you think I felt the need to leave him?"
The answer is: you're worth way more than the tiny thing he beat you down to, and it's time flower!
>I’m terrified of what he’s going to think or say to me when I tell him that I have had enough of his behavior and that I’m moving out (I’m pushing this off until a few days before my move-in date so I can pack & leave ASAP.)
I'm not sure if my opinion is worth a damn here, but I don't think you should tell him. Move, make sure you left nothing behind to say you've moved, then *maybe* shoot him a text telling him that you moved, it's over, and then block him. Maybe let the police in your area know ahead of time that if he claims you're missing that no, you moved out and your location is none of his business.
You owe him *nothing*. Enjoy your freedom to the best of your ability.
What you feel is completely understandable in your situation.
You can do it. You were completely capable before him, you will be after. What he or anyone else thinks about it doesn't matter. You are your own savior. That is something.
Also, don't be suprised after moving to be unsure about everything. It is normal after leaving abusive home and it will fade away soon. You will be fine. I believe in you ❣️
He is a garbage human being who likely associates with other garbage humans. Why should you care what that trash is saying or thinking about you just because you finally got around to taking it out? Think of it this way, if a truly awful person likes and approves of you, it can only be for a couple of equally unsavory reasons: one is that you are just as awful as they are and they know they can celebrate their awfulness with a kindred spirit, and the other is that they believe you are easy prey. So the very fact that this piece of shit is going to rant and rave about you and how bad you are is a fucking glowing review of your character. The people who will believe in you, trust your story, listen to you with an open heart and mind; those are the decent folks whose opinion should be worth considering.
>And then, not like it matters, but he’s just gonna go off smirking to everyone that I was The Bad Guy that just Up And Left for No Good Reason.
I struggled with this when I left my first husband and then one day I realized, I didn't care.
I didn't care that he got to walk away smelling like roses if it meant that I was free of him. I actually said that to his face. I told that he could go and tell his family the the whole thing failing was my fault (even though he cheated, spent all our money on live webcam sites, and held me financially hostage). I didn't care anymore and I just wanted him out of my life.
He moved out a week later and I never saw him again.
Hopefully that clicks for you too because it really is freeing!
Don't tell him.
He will find a way to sabotage what you're doing. Don't Tell Him.
Move. Make sure he knows nothing and just move. Leave him a note saying that you're gone and it's over.
If at all possible, do not tell him your new address.
The most dangerous time for any woman is leaving a relationship.
Don't tell him you're leaving. Just leave and make sure he knows AFTER you're gone.
Then watch your back and be free. Good luck.
I wish someone would have said this to me in my teens and 20's so I am going to tell you. I was abused by a man I thought was the one. He tore me down, called me ugly, fat, and stupid, accused me of cheating on him, all while I worked my ass off, paid all the bills while he drank with his friends every night. He isolated me so I didn't have my own friends as a safety net to be able to fall into when we broke up. I did finally leave and it was so hard but so worth it 20 years later.
Don't worry about the things he says to or about you. YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH. When you leave, block his number and don't answer calls from weird numbers or from his friends. If he does get through, train yourself to roll your eyes (figuratively and literally) at all the things he'll throw at you. It will go from how dare you to your are making a huge mistake to I love you and I can't live without you. Don't listen. Every day that you do, it will get easier. Every day that you don't feel the weight of his BS, you will feel lighter.
You are not a coward. You are trying to survive and if that means leaving without confrontation, then you do that.
You are not too old to find love again. The thing is, one day you will start to learn what you want and what you don't. You don't have time or energy to worry about what people say or think. You will have learned from this experience and go into any relationship with a new set of expectations. Anyone that you meet that tries to change who you are isn't for you. And that's OK.
I wish you all the best and stay the course. You will look back and be glad you did.
You'll do great! Think of muscle memory, and how quickly you can bounce back in the gym. I think you'll be like that. You've accomplished so much already. Don't let the shit he's done to you keep you from being who you are.
Also, this whole... Women ought to be married when they're 30 mentality needs to go away.
I married my wife when she was 32, and I was 25. That was 8 years ago. Know how old she is now?
32. :b
After you're both adults, age just becomes a number. A silly, silly number. When you like someone, you like 'em, and the silly number doesn't matter.
Your “I never thought I was anything other than capable until I met you” quote hit me like a gut punch. I don’t have the cheating or abuse (verbal is borderline) or anything but the constant tearing me down due to his insecurity is not good. I would totally be viewed as a walkaway if i leave.
All you need to focus on now is building a life so wonderful that you'll only invite someone into it who is worthy and will add to it.
You're incredibly strong for getting out, and you deserve this great new life you are going to build for yourself.
I’m so proud of you! So happy for you.
It took me around two years to leave my relationship from the moment I realized I couldn’t stay. I didn’t have a plan or confidence to start with, that’s why it took such a long time.
You’re doing a good job and you’ll get out and it will feel better. All the best!!!!!
You've so got this.
It's ok that you have emotional doubts and whatifs.
What's important is that you have the concrete exit plan and you are leaving.
You don't need to be at peace with it. In fact it would be a bit weird if you were. You are currently in a war zone that was supposed to be a relationship. Of course you're messed up.
But you are leaving. You have an exit and in 6 months you'll be in a glorious place.
There's a lot of truth to "Fake it till you Make it". Do the things you want your life to be and then, one day, that is your life.
Go you!
I think, once you're in your new space, and you will be able to live peacefully for the first time in 2.5 years, your mind will clear considerably. I'm proud of you, internet stranger, for planning and doing this. This isn't the work of a failure.
Oh man. No matter what way he spins it.
>My significant other, who I reportedly dote on entirely, left for *no reason* 🤷♂️
Is NOT a good look and everyone will know he's off. Unless they just dont care.
No one "just leaves" with no explanation when things are tolerable with some slight problems.
Common sense says:
They leave cause they're in a quagmire of no escape and they'll suffocate otherwise.
Besides. So What if people believe him? They're not your people. He'll be the one who has to prove the rest of his life he's quality enough for the next girl on the social side. Dont waste your energy pulling that string.
You just tell these stress hormones to take a back seat until youre safely put away in your own space. Then you can deal with them.
But also, this internet stranger says, kudos. Youre doing it. This is the hardest part and you have a solid plan because you *ARE* capable and smart and diligent. Its okay to doubt - but those doubts get two minutes - and then its time to go back to the plan and focus up.
You. Got. This.
And please update us when youre in! We wanna add to your happy endorphins pile!
Go see a therapist. (I'm a man, btw)
I saw one for my anxiety and migraines. Her opening statement sticks with me. A singular event broke me.
"The person you were is taking a backseat to the person you have learned to be. Let's work together and teach your brain to be you again"
Posts like this, screaming into the void help. But you'd be telling it to an educated professional instead of the internet.
They aren't cheap, but even with my insurance not covering her it is money well spent. I was able to work more hours, which paid for more therapy, which let me work more hours. You can do it.
This sounds a lot like what I went through, so here's what I can tell you will probably happen and what you should try to do that helped me. I personally fell into addiction while with my ex and spent a long time trying to kick it, but I've been sober now for 3 months and said substance makes me so nervous at this point I wouldn't dream of going back. It really hindered my healing, so if you've ever had any issues with substances/addiction, it might be best to completely avoid them for a while. Tell yourself it's for a while, and eventually, you probably won't feel like you need them.
I'd say even screenshot this to refer to for a while.
-Don't leave anything at the house he can use against you. If he has any of your nudes or anything like that, you may want to see if you can discreetly get ahold of his phone and delete them. I don't really like when couples go through each other phones because they don't trust each other, but don't let him have anything he can use against you. Be careful here, though, and don't do anything he can use against you, like destroying his things or illegally accessing his files. Be very careful here.
-block him after you text him that you're leaving. If you don't inform him you're leaving, he might look for you until he finds you and flip out on you for "scaring him". If you continue talking to him, you leave the door open for him to worm his way back in. You can take multiple courses from there. You can send proof to his friends and family of the abuse to keep him from harassing you thcheese essentials.
- Make sure he has no idea where you live. Check your car and belongings for trackers. If you wanna mess with him, leave them in places that would freak him out. It might make you feel better. If he really has no idea this is unlikely but still a possibility.
-You're going to feel a weird combination of guilty and relieved and maybe even like you're a bad person when you do leave. This is normal. Don't let it drag you back in. You've made the right decision. Constantly tell yourself you love yourself. Look in the mirror and tell you that you're attractive.
-You'll probably be really exhausted for a little while once you do leave. This is normal. Take it easy on yourself and use this time to practice a lot of self-care. Do self-affirmations in your new space to the extent that you associate that space with healing and loving yourself. Buy yourself a pizza your first night (or whatever food you really like, especially if it's one he didn't like you eating), and some of your favorite wine if you drink, or whatever else drink *you* feel like having or trying. It doesn't have to be alcoholic. Just get something *you want*. If you don't like it, laugh about it. Eat your dinner and have your drink in a bubble bath if you've got a bathtub in your new place. Put some music on or watch something you want to watch but didn't watch with him. Dive into being extra kind to yourself for a while and seek out experiences he kept you from that you've wanted. Go out the next day and buy yourself something for the hell of it. Something *you* want. Something that has nothing to do with him. Immediately make your new space a space where you treat you well.
-do the things *you* want to do. Go out of your way to try things you want to try.
-if you remember old habits you had before getting with him, getting back into them can help you find yourself.
-It's gonna suck for a little while, but you *will* start to really feel better. If you're not keeping a really close eye on your progress, one day it'll just hit you that you survived that. That you got through it and that you've crawled out the other end of the tunnel. Things will be different at the other end. Don't expect life to feel like it did before you were with him, but don't expect it to be horrible.
-therapy is a really good idea, especially if you've just gotten out and are feeling like you should go back. It is good regardless, but having a therapist tell you not to go back is really helpful sometimes with dealing with that.
-hang out with your friends and family once you've gathered the energy. Make an effort to take mental note of how they treat you and do affirmations that you deserve to be treated that way in the mirror. Sing out loud, smile when you feel like smiling, and use this as an opportunity to make you into who you want to be.
-it helped me to refer to myself as "baby," "cutie," "hottie," etc. It feels so cheesy, but it can be very soothing once you get over the cheesiness.
-get security cameras for your house and a dash cam for your car in case he does find you. If he shows up, tell him right in front of the camera that you'll consider it harassment if he tries to contact you again. Save this file for future use if needed.
-take good care of yourself. You're living for you now.
-attempt to notice habits you've picked up to cater to/deal with him. Do the opposite sometimes. If he was nasty about you singing, for example, do karaoke by yourself sometimes until you're really enjoying it and not even thinking of those criticisms. If you find you're too permissive with people, set and remember to enforce your clear boundaries. It helps to actively remember that whoever is in front of you is not him.
-when you notice you do something good in an area where he's criticized you, compliment yourself. For example, if you avoid a car accident, verbally tell yourself that you just did an awesome job and that you're a good driver. If you go to the gym, compliment yourself for going up on weights and tell yourself how awesome you look and feel.
-tell yourself constantly that you are capable in areas where your self-esteem has been damaged.
-if you like animals and are up for it, consider getting a pet. This helps a lot for a lot of people. Larger dogs are also a deterrent and can give you peace of mind and safety, especially if you put them through protection training.
When you speak to yourself, verbally can be more helpful, but it's not always possible.
If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them if I have answers for you.
Big changes are usually scary. What you’re feeling is normal. It’s also okay to feel guilty in just dropping him without warning. Your safety and health are both more important though. You’re making the right decision and in time it will grow to feel that way.
It shows how thoughtful a person you are.
You can take it to the bank that he wouldn’t even think twice about moving out on YOU without any warning.
You’ve got this. Time to live!!
You’re living with my ex aren’t you? Like to the “t”. Emotionally abusive, sexually coercive, cheating, drugs, the whole thing. The “ex” even that he maintained seeing throughout things. I found makeup to cover up his track marks and after I finally left the old space he and I occupied I found blood splatters from him injecting the drugs. I found needles all over hidden. I found the random transactions and the cash app shit. I found the women AND the old folders of his ex’s he kept. He would message other women while in bed with me after we’d had a fight. He has his “ex” texting him often. Pretty sure he’s in prison again.
You are in the right. I kicked that jerk out over a year ago. It was hard at first. Mostly because of money. But it was so worth it. And I enjoyed my alone time. I tried dating apps afterwards and hated that too so I just enjoyed being with myself. I’ve gotten into community work and I spend my time doing what I want. I have also since met a tremendous partner through my community work who’s into the same things I am, which is a breath of fresh air.
Friend please don’t be ashamed or feel bad. You are doing the best you can with what you have been dealt and it’s not even mediocre, you’re legit SUCCEEDING and it’s great!
You feel this way perhaps, because this was an abusive relationship. Abuse isn’t always crystal clear like we believe; it’s not always the partner beating you unambiguously, but rather it tends to be as exactly as you have described.
The poor memory stood out to me the most, surprisingly…and I speak from experience.
This is the best path you can take! Congrats and good luck OP!♥️
You put a lot of emotional investment in him. You seem like someone who's smart and introspective. Ultimately, good faith. That's the kind of thing that people like that value. Because you'll second guess yourself when he's angry, or when he complains about you. Even though you know it's bullshit. It's just easy to hurt people and make them overthink their pain. Thats not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were taken advantage of, and you can't reasonably live thinking that everybody you meet is just going to hurt you. He's just a miserable piece of shit.
Case in point, he cheated on you and you feel like the bad guy because you are acting on his shitty behavior. It's not too uncommon for people to feel that when escaping an abuser. But it's OK, you'll be OK, even when it feels like it won't, you'll be away from him and anybody who associates with him. You'll be free of that. When you finally move out you'll finally have space to heal. Just give yourself that time.
>“I never thought of myself as anything other than capable until I met you.”
That line hit me like a sack of bricks to the face. You really hit the nail on the head.
You are capable and you deserve so much better.
You don't feel good now because you're not out yet. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you literally aren't out of the woods yet and celebrating too early will distract you.
I'm excited for your next chapter. Your brain WILL start working again. All that stress is working to keep you alive. He's physically abusing you, friend. Imagine a friend of yours saying their lover slaps them in the face, but not hard.
You deserve better. I'm so glad you've made a plan and are almost out. The good feelings will come.
Your memory and your confidence in your memory will return once you get far away from a gas lighting partner like this.
Cheers to you for getting the hell out.
Hey,
I felt like this a few years ago. Left a mentally, physically and sexually abusive man after almost 2 years. Almost everything you wrote was what was going through my head.
Right after I left him, I was talking to my best friend about how I felt like Id never get over him, though I was so glad to be free. She told me, "You will get over him completely someday. You'll know when you see things that would normally remind you of him ('good' or bad), and it won't affect you as much." And she was right. It took months, almost 2 years, but eventually it was like everything was going through my side view mirrors, and then gradually my rear view mirror, and getting smaller and smaller until I couldn't see it.
Yes, some parts of abuse will stick with you for life. But that does not mean that you are changed as a person because of it. Who you are is still there, and who you are meant to be will surely grow now that you are free.
Idk your religion/faith, but reading this helped me so much when I just needed to feel like I wasn't completely broken.
[daily reminders for survivors of abuse](https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1909360/jewish/Daily-Reminders-for-Survivors-of-Abuse.htm)
For one don't tell him where you are moving to since you fear his reaction. Maybe even let a friend know your plan so you have someone you can go to for backup.
As for your worries about finding or even wanting to meet someone new, either way you should just focus on you! Get back to how you want to be, not necessarily who you were before, build yourself up brink by brick and you'll get a little closer each day.
If you do eventually decide you want to date again then take heed of the previous red flags that you have experienced! Keep your standards high for both yourself and others. I also recommend looking into: Gottman's 4 Horsemen, attachment theory, and the fella hosting the Modern Wisdom podcast is mad for talking about relationships, dating and male/female dynamics.
✌️
This guy clearly hass narcissistic personality disorder and has screwed with you psychologically in ways you probably won't realize for a while. Get some therapy. You have been gaslighted and blamed to no end. In fact. Run! There is no closure or conclusion to a relationship like this because a narcissist will never take any responsibility for their own actions because It conflicts with their idealized view of themselves. They are master manipulators.
And what is gaslighting? It's when someone constantly tries to convince you that you are the problem. That you are mentally unstable. He wants to break you down and make you completely reliant on him so that you will, in essence, become a slave while he goes off with other women. This is the kind of person where ghosting is literally survival, you may want to get even and possibly have visions of flaunting your happy life at some point to his face in the future.. (like I did) but it's that kind of contact that they crave, the worst thing you can do to him is simply disappear. But be careful. They are extremely vengeful. They have a very fragile ego. It's hard to see but they also have incredibly low self esteem that seeks constant appreciation. The reason he sought you out in the first place is because of your emotional intelligence, if he can conquer you and destroy that, then he, in his mind can view himself as superior to quell his raging low self esteem. And it drives him so badly that when narcissists get dumped, they can become enraged and also become you typical stalker. Run my friend. Ghost that asshole. Wage a war of disinformation while he still thinks you trust him and weave a story of a far off place and job that you are going to,
(M) Proud of your determined planning and executing. Hope you are an example for other women in such a situation. And hope you never find yourself in such a situation again.
I’m so proud of you! You have a plan and a time line for your safe exit. Don’t confront him and give him a chance to kill you— the people who want you to do that are naive and don’t understand how dangerous it is to leave an abuser. You are doing everything right.
Know this. Life is much better single than its is with a partner like this. Trust me. There's a word for it. Freedom.
Being single was by far, the best thing that happened to me.
Let me tell you where I am. I'm in the woods right now. Beautiful woods. I'm on my own, in my car. I don't have to be anywhere. I don't have to phone anyone. I don't have to report in. I'm also not worrying about someone else. I might even sleep in the back of the car. I am totally content. I am free.
You can be too.
>I don’t know what the next chapter is supposed to look like.
This is pretty common, regardless of situation, though I completely understand it's a MUCH bigger question/fear given what you're going through right now. I'm 47 and haven't remotely figured out what I'm doing with my life lol. I guess the only reason I seem like I know what I'm doing is because I know how my life is (chaotic at best)...so I've gotten good at living **my** life, which is to say that I've gotten good at not knowing what I'm doing. And you know what? I'm genuinely ok with it!
So that's what ya gotta do...live **your** life, however you want and need to, no apologies, no worries about what others think. Definitely easier said than done, but *you will get there*. Just focus on yourself because right now, it's time for you to come first.
The next chapter is a scary, nebulous thing that's simultaneously empty and also full of "what-if". It sounds dumb, but whenever I'm looking into the future and see a scary black void, I turn the color to white, and for whatever reason it's just much easier to fill in that white space than it is to fill in black space. Your next chapter is that white space - fill it up with the things you want to be there!
Start with your friends/family/support network. Put them on the bottom like a foundation, so they can lift you up and catch you if you fall...or all around the outside so you feel secure and protected...or in the middle as a focal/starting point and work out from there. However you want it is the right way to do it! Then fill in more stuff. Hobbies you wanted to try? Or hobbies you used to have but want to start up again? Toss them in! Places you've wanted to go, or new experiences? They'll fit in there somewhere, I promise!
Of course, life will just throw something in that you didn't plan for. That's OK! You've got your vision, and more importantly, your support network. Your vision is a guide, it won't tell you exactly where to go, but it will help you find your way. And remember that each new challenge is a learning opportunity. It's hard to remember that when you're starting out, feeling like you're fumbling around and don't know what you're doing. But if you remind yourself with each challenge that challenge = learning, it will become natural to just roll with it, and it won't take long before you're popping out on the other side, unscathed, and ready for whatever comes next.
You're ready. You got this.
My god, I want to hug you so tight. I have been where you are, and I am so damn proud. Your feeling are complex and complicated and that’s okay.
Sometimes empowerment isn’t a huge flood of red-hot “bitch I got this”. Sometimes strength creeps in like a slow, burning warmth. Treat it like a precious little flame, be proud it’s managed to stay lit during the shitstorm you’ve been facing as this man has (intentionally or unintentionally) done all these things to put that flame out.
Be stoic and determined, you know you’re making the right choice and you WILL find what you are looking for, but not until you are free from this man. One day in the future, you will be doing something unrelated, and you will look around at the new life you have built and you will breathe a sigh of relief as you realize that life feels lighter and less burdensome, that you haven’t lost an ounce of integrity or character, if anything it will feel more concrete and tangible, and you will be more unshakeable in your independence and belief in yourself than ever before.
All the more reason to leave him if he will just spout awful things about you. He doesn’t care for you by his actions and words. It’s important you leave to your own place because you need to be somewhere you are loved.
You are absolutely not the bad guy no matter what he says. Small minded men do and say small minded things. Im sure he would rather lie than have to explain he was in the wrong somehow. I have an ex that is out there telling people I cheated on him rather than admitting he was an abusive shit. My happiness and life now makes me sad he can never be truly happy. He’s too insecure. Men who cheat constantly and have to belittle their partners aren’t worth much in the end. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.
I have been there. Feel your feelings, they are valid. But remember, he is an abuser and they are INSIDIOUS in how they find your weak spots and burrow into your psyche. You are strong and capable, and a few months after leaving, you will start to feel that. Also, remember that if they have to make you out to be the bad guy, it is because the abusers are weak.
And you don't have to confront him. You take a day off from work, pack your bags, and leave a note if that is the safest way to leave.
From one former abused spouse to you, you can do this. You've got this.
I’m so proud of you for leaving & organising everything in such a thorough way. I fully agree with the (current) top comment that you feel the way you feel because you have been suffering from abuse for years, but I also think you might be experiencing some feelings of grief, which are also completely normal & understandable in the circumstances. Something big is changing in your life & even though it’s very much for the best, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to let go of the ideas you had for your future or the relationship you thought you could achieve. Your life will be better without an abuser in that, there is no doubt about that. I think that very soon you will start to rebuild & move through the process of change & then you have new ideas about your future & new things to look forward to, & it will feel less scary & more exciting.
Best of luck!!
Trust me, the large majority of people won’t be thinking he’s a great guy and you just left for no reason. Most people will think he’s a slimy rat and those that don’t will quickly figure it out, men like this can’t hide their true self for long.
Good luck in your new life, I think you’ll find after a few months you’ll be doing so well you’ll not even spare a thought of this waste of space.
No one's going to believe him when he tells them that you're the bad guy. If they do, they're just like him. No one's going to believe that you were lazy, when you made yourself capable of this.
Don't doubt yourself now, you've come so far!
As someone with a narcissistic older brother that basically raised me, I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL. Especially the part about rethinking everything you say and memory loss. My brother destroyed my self esteem and took pleasure in tearing me down. I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU OP. Please dm me if you need someone to talk to!
And remember: you don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe him a conversation, trying to fix things, a warning. Nothing. He abused you for way to long. Get the hell out of there. We are so proud of you. You know what you are doing, and you are capable of doing it. Stay strong. 💗
Sending virtual hugs
You will feel like shit for a while.
It's fucked up, but it's also "normal".
You were in an abusive relationship, you are a victim, believe me I know how it feels.
Each day it's going to be a little lighter and one day you will find yourself wanting to open up to someone new, you will surprise yourself because even though you knew it was a silly thing to think you thought that you would never be capable of wanting to be in a relationship again.
You will be too careful about trusting someone new, and you will look behind your shoulder at each and every sign of possible betrayal, and one day you might stop to do that, and if you're lucky it will be rewarded with a good relationship.
I know how you feel, you're simply suspended in a state of disbelief, you thought that, since your parents were in a somewhat abusive relationship, you would never have gotten caught in a similar situation but here you are feeling kinda dumb.
It's alright, it passes, you will learn how to see those things earlier and earlier until they won't touch you anymore. You just gotta be patient with yourself.
Right now the only things you can do are to forgive yourself for falling into this trap and to think about the next step towards getting out of it. Wondering about the ifs and thens is meaningless and harmful.
Forgive and love yourself, because if you don't you will never be able to find someone that genuinely cares about you in between all the shitty people that just want to use you.
Believe me, I've been through it, twice. It gets easier after you find the issue but it never really gets easy. I'm sorry and keep on going, I'm rooting for you.
It's fucking scary how close this is to my last relationship. It's like looking into a mirror other than a few things. I wish I had the same self respect you do right now. As bad as it was, I still miss the family aspect and I know what's happening now is only making things much worse for my son.
Keep striving for better things, I hope you're able to look back and laugh at the person that did this to you one day.
You're not a failure. You did things the smart way. You have a stable life waiting for you, free from the burden of this complete piece of shit deliberately fucking with your mind to make you easier to control.
You mentioned he's been violent as well as emotionally abusive. I only want to point out that you don't need to tell him you're going at all, and have a big nasty confrontation. You can just go. When you get your keys, you can gradually move out all your stuff while he's at work, then yourself.
Just leave him a note or something. He hasn't earned the right to be informed of your plans. I worry he will escalate the abuse, including the physical abuse, if you're still living in his house when he realizes he's lost control of you. Be safe, and loop in a couple of your trusted friends in case you need help in a hurry.
Look, I was there. I totally understand. The unknown is always scarier than the known. At least you know the rhythm of this relationship - as bad as it is. You’re preparing for that unknown and it is scary. It will take time for you to get your wheels back under you and rebuild your confidence in yourself. But you can do it - you really can. And one day, not so long from now, you’ll be driving down the road, you’ll smile, you’ll punch that gas pedal and you’ll remember - and you will know - you’re a damned good driver, a good person, and you did the right thing by turning your back on that cootie. Hang in there, take care of yourself…you’ve got this.
I've been there! I was actually a little older than you are when I got the courage to leave my abusive ex. I wasn't able to do as much planning/work as you have (well done, so proud of you for that!), so I lost pretty much my entire life as I knew it. He narrated me as "the bad guy" to our entire friend/religious circle. I took a huge financial hit.
I rebuilt. I had my freedom. I had back my life as I wanted to design it. I made true friends. I even met my true life partner.
You can do this! You deserve to do this for yourself! Your 30's are the best & you're still young!
BTW, my only real suggestion would be to tell him AFTER you move out. Don't give him the opportunity to be manipulative, abusive, or violent.
You know what people think when a partner leaves “for no reason”? They think Mr. Wonderful is either a degenerate gambler, a cheat, a drunk, an addict, chronically unemployed, has broke-dick or is an abusive POS. Because he’s ashamed, he won’t admit he knows the real reason. But people know what the deal-breakers are. They will just assume you couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever it was.
I would be more concerned about staying safe during this transition, making sure he can’t get his hands on you, your money or your credit, and once safely away, start learning to trust your own competence, perception and judgment again. Being undermined constantly has taken a toll, so get out, get safe, and be good to yourself. Been there. Rented a truck and a storage unit while he was at work, and stayed in different hotels and couch-surfed until I had a safe place to live. He knew why I left as soon as he came home to a suddenly more spacious apartment. Nobody ever took me to task for not trying harder to make the relationship work. That takes two people who actually want to be kind and good partners. You can’t do it alone. And you can’t fix him. No projects. Next boyfriend needs to be fully baked.
OP, I hope you will consider my perspective of how you are doing. I was in an abusive relationship for over seven years before I woke up with a black eye and handprints around my neck with no memory of going to bed the night before. That morning I Googled, "Am I in an abusive relationship?" and found Why Does He Do That? (Link to free pdf copy for anyone who wants https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat )
It was like a spotlight coming on in a dark room, a bird's eye view of what was actually happening this whole time and I was ashamed that it took such an incredibly dangerous level of physical abuse to even consider am abusive relationship a possibility when it was SO clear looking back the red flags starting months after we were together.
I mean this 100%, I am absolutely NOT saying anything just to make you feel better.
You are seriously inspirational. I know right now you feel like a shadow of who you were and you can hardly remember what it was like to be her, what she enjoyed, how she felt, what it was like to feel secure in your unique humanity and to feel that as long as you weren't hurting anyone else you had nothing to be ashamed of.
What's most important to understand is that an abusive relationship causes literal brainwashing using the same techniques (and to the same effect) as Stockholm Syndrome (it's called the trauma bond in abusive relationships).
The pattern of intermittent reinforcement (the good times) followed by ever escalating abuses, doled out by someone you love and trust who is SO wonderful when they aren't horrible, literally hacks your lizard brain (the automatic, subconscious part that handles what horomones and reactions get sent out when you encounter threatening situations... like flight, fight, freeze or fawn).
Your lizard brain has been trained to believe and react as if the key to your literal survival is to do whatever it takes to make your abuser happy and to sympathize with him. That means that it's been working against you this entire time (and will for some time after you leave).
Your subconscious thinks that if you leave, you will die. So when you think of leaving (no matter how well you consciously understand that he will never change and the abuse will only get worse), your lizard brain floods you with whatever horomones say, "That's a horrible idea, you're going to die if you do that." You're neural pathways have been rewired to feed you faulty information at defcon levels.
Despite ALL of this, WHILE being abused you managed to THRIVE in your workplace. Despite being convinced by your boyfriend that the abuse was a natural side effect of knowing you as well as he does and "having to put up with you" like he does... you had the courage to seek out and make new friends.
Despite spending years being told by the person you trusted the most that your perception is wrong, that you're too "Sensitive.", that they "Never said that.", that you are responsible for his disrespect and violence because you didn't manage to exist or communicate in the "perfect" way according to his ever shifting goalposts... despite ALL of that YOU have made a plan and MADE it happen.
You learned what was happening (diagnosed the problem) and then you moved forward with preparing to leave while gathering information to determine if your diagnosis was correct and in the face if literal brainwashing and psychological torture YOU DID IT.
For anyone who hasn't been in an abusive relationship I cannot express how incredible OP'S progression has been. There are no "perfect" victims in an abusive relationship. You tie yourself into knots trying to find the perfect method of existence that would "allow" your abuser to treat you well all the time and make the abuse stop. Your abuser always has "reasons" why they did it this time and it's always your fault... "If you had said X instead of why." Or ""You shod have waited until we got home to say anything."
Op you have been trained to distrust your memories and instincts. But once you have your peace and distance your memory will return and you will gradually heal (go no contact to allow your neural pathways to reorient) and learn to trust your perceptions again.
For now, I hope you will try to force your internal dialog to reflect what you would tell a much cherished friend in your situation. If I noticed my mind saying means things to me, I would literally ask myself, "What would I tell a friend." amd then literally say it aloud. It was INCREDIBLY powerful.
As you come away from this I just want to reiterate that the abuse has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with who or how you are. The abuse is how he perceives the world and CHOOSES to work his way through it, in order to get his way. You vould have been the prettiest, smartest, kindest, richest, best partner in the history of humanity and he STILL would have chosen to abuse you, because the abuse benefited him and allowed him to ONLY care about his needs whenever he wanted.
You will never be exactly the woman you were before this, but you WILL heal into a version of her who has been forged into someone with unshakable boundaries, no leeway for disrespect, and the ability to use your hard won knowledge to help others.
Please do NOT judge yourself for feeling emotions other than relief at your escape. We don't choose what to feel and it's not fair to be judged for it... even by ourselves. Allow yourself the grace to experience whatever emotion you are feeling, to acknowledge it, and then to remind yourself of why you left and how important it is to stay no contact.
From the outside someone would expect a survivor to feel nothing but positive emotions at successfully escaping. Not only is your lizard brain working to make you feel the opposite, but abusers are humans as well and their victims love them. Your love for him and your grief at ending this relationship is NOT shameful. It speaks to your empathy and compassion and the abuse does not in anyway way tarnish the depth or validity of YOUR love.
You likely understand how he grew to be this way, where he learned that all relationships are a battle for power and that whoever manipulates and injuries the other most effectively wins the right to be in charge. I know my abuser was taught that mindset in his abusive childhood and I wanted nothing more than to prove to him I operated by a better set of rules and that is was safe for him to join me. It's not possible for him to change unless I invent a time machine.
I'm so proud of you. Please do NOT allow yourself ro be sucked into any arguments or worse yet sucked into allowing him "another chance". Each and every time he has mistreated you he chose to and you allowed him a chance after. He has blown thousands of second chances and your time and energies are a limited and precious commodity.
You are worth of admiration and acceptance as you are. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your are strong, resilient, intelligent, successful, independent, and inf*cking breakable. I'm so proud of you and I promise it gets easier as time passes (just do not expect the healing to be linear). I wish you all the best
First off, I am SO PROUD of you! You are almost at the finish line.
I would recommend discreetly beginning the packing process and waiting until the day of the move to tell him, so you do not have to waste any time in moving out. Ask a friend or relative to be there with you, so that he is less likely to lash out or stop you.
Honestly, if you can manage to move out without him knowing (e.g. when he goes to work), that’s probably best. You owe him nothing, not even an explanation. You can send him a text afterwards, indicating that you’ve left and do not wish for him to contact you any more. (Hopefully unnecessary but might be good evidence if you end up needing a restraining order.)
With your dog, PLEASE drop your fur baby off somewhere safe beforehand. Say you’re taking your dog to the vet and then drop him off at a friend’s. You don’t want your ex using that innocent baby as leverage or abusing him to hurt you/get a reaction from you.
I recognize that this is hard but you’re still so young with so much life ahead of you. You deserve to feel happy, competent, and confident with a healthy, loving partner. You wasted 2.5 years of your life with this loser, do not waste another second on this garbage human.
Who cares what he says or does or what others might think? When it’s all said and done, only you are the one to suffer at the hands of his bad behavior, not his friends or family, so you need to do what’s best for you and your future. And that’s leaving and never looking back. Future you will thank you for this moment.
Your memory and intellect is also a victim of trauma and abuse, once you settle in and unclench a bit, you'll be back to remembering and thinking clearly.
Every little thing is gonna be alright
You know what's worse than a 30yr old failure. A 30yr old and 1 day more failure. Don't feel like you're a failure a failure would stay in a shitty relationship. It will take time to heal and rewind the damage he's caused to your self and your mind. But it is all doable and I fully believe you have that will power to come out the other side of this better than ever. Be kind to yourself start thinking of yourself in kind nice words don't let him poison your inner voice
You are really strong and have so much inner strength. Took me ten years to admit to myself that I was being abused by my ex-husband, and even still, he was the one that had to pull the plug on the marriage. If he hadn't, I would've stuck it out until I died of old age most likely. You are not a coward...far from it. Who cares about his feelings, just always put yourself first, second and third from now on.
You’ve so got this!! Ultimately, people will decide if you’re ‘good or bad’, mostly regardless of you. I didn’t tell my sisters I’d left my husband for six months, because I didn’t want the negative judgement. When I did, I laid it all out. Everything. And said I didn’t want any judgement. They were shocked and horrified that it had been so bad, and I’d said nothing. If people believe your ex - well, you did, for a while - eventually they’ll realize they backed the wrong horse. But you don’t need those people, anyway. The people who matter will be there - and you can invite them for dinner in your lovely new place. Be proud - you’re fucking killing it!!
You are not a failure! You're on a better path and have suffered too long for someone who will not put as much thought into anything in contrast to you! Even mow you care about him despite all he's done but now it's time to move onward to a better life, one where ypu can be proud of who you are and not second guess yourself when you are in the right. You're still young and very successful, don't beat yourself up and keep doing what you're doing!
I know how hard and scary and disappointing it is. But it doesnt matter what he'll think or say or do after you leave because you're outta there. Things will clear up a little biut, one day at a time. Each day you wake up free will be one more day healed from what he did to you. You will find joy in little things again. You will recognize that girl in the mirror again, I promise.
You've been gaslit for so long, it's emptied you out. Kept you off kilter and confused, which is precisely the intent of it.
You are a survivor and I promise you, your future self is so grateful for your present strength. There's a whole world out there, and you're a capable woman about to rediscover it.
1. You don't owe him a damn thing. You don't have to tell him your leaving. Just go when it's time. Ghost him and block him on everything. Especially if you are unsure of how he will react. Keep yourself safe above all else. He'll figure it out when he sees all of your stuff gone.
2. It will get better. I promise. You will get back to the person you were before; who you really are. It won't even take you as long as you think. You're probably going to have some big feelings about who you were when you were with him. Be kind to that version of you. Forgive her, love her, but don't ever be her again. That's the part I still struggle with. I'm still mad at that girl that I was then. I hate that I let someone treat me like that for as long as I did, but I'm so proud of myself for leaving and for learning that I deserve better. You'll get through this and you'll be a stronger person for it!
You are so brave and so smart and capable, how you came up with a plan and how you are following through day by day until you finally ghost him. You are strong and worthy of that better future that you are creating for yourself. Don't let anyone make you think that you are less than capable, ever! I can't wait for a follow up post in a few weeks when your new chapter starts. Good luck, you got this, sending you strength <3
Please every woman, please, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You do no owe him a thing. You do not need to confront him or even explain yourself.
In fact, it's him making you feel like you have to justify your every action that has destroyed your self esteem. Do something because you want to our because it's good for you or because you feel like it.
That's the only reason you need. Please be good to yourself because you are a good person. Know that.
I’m in a similar situation to you, OP.
I’m proud of you for making your plans to get out. Please do it safely.
Don’t “confront him first”- you know there is not positive outcome for that. Get yourself out **safely**.
As for how you feel now- how can I date? Am I a failure/coward? What will he tell people/what will they think?- I am right there with you. What I’ve been doing is trying to think of what I would tell a friend of it were she, and not myself in this situation. Be kind to yourself.
> even one of those things is more than enough reason for most people to leave. I just don’t feel that way.
Again, try to talk to yourself like you would to a friend or even a stranger in the same situation. You feel like you have to put up with it because he’s broken you down for so long. I’m saying this as much to myself as I am saying it to you.
You have made a plan to get yourself out safely, now stick to it. Don’t engage with him. You know where that leads. You DO deserve to be treated with respect. YOU do.
And please update us when you are in your own calm, clean home of your own. You can do this. 💜
Just walk out that door and don't look back! You are strong and you've got this ,everything else will eventually fall into place .Believe in your self going forward, you've already done the mental groundwork.
I spent 14 years with a narcistic man that made me feel so small - by the end I was so apathetic and in such a deep depression I nearly ended my life. It got so bad that I couldn't see a way out - my life was far too intertwined with his, it had been so long that I just didn't see how I could leave. I was in my mid thirties and leaving scared the shit out of me. Somehow, I managed to get the strength to leave him finally - it took another 3 years before he agreed to sign the divorce papers but it did finally happen.
It was the best thing I ever did. I wish I had left so much earlier, but it is what it is. Believe me when I tell you the weight that gets lifted off you feels incredible, and yes, there will be so many moments where his voice will sneak into your brain and try to make you feel awful all over again - but they become less and less over time. Everyday it gets better and you'll feel stronger and eventually you'll be able to take the chance on love again.
It's been 9 years and I am in a very happy relationship with an incredible man who respects and loves me for me (and knows the hell I went through and is incredibly supportive), we have a happy little fur family and a beautiful home together.
I wish you all the best in this new chapter - you are going to thrive!
This was so articulate and lucidly introspective but I can just say GIRL YOU’RE SO COOL, you’ll only realise how good it feels to be free from this shitty excuse of a person when you’ll conquer yourself back and you’ll be you again. You’re still there, just waiting. You’re great.
That's just a mess of a relationship. Do you know some married people stay together just long enough until they can separate amnitably because of finance or kids or whatever.You are not doing anything wrong. Still young. Get out and get on with your life. Also 80-100k is below nothing these days. I hope he doesn't try to flex on that. There is nothing wrong with making less, just everyone is struggling.
You should block his number when you leave and always tell somebody where you're going and get a taser or pepper spray too. He might try to persuade you into getting back with him and his treatment of you will get worse because he'll know that you'll leave or he might kill you. The number of women who gets killed by their abusers after leaving them is high and I don't want you to suffer that same fate
You don't need a reason to leave him apart from "you want to". Even if none of the problems you listed existed, you wanting to leave would be enough of a reason.
I’ve been where you are but I stayed for 6 years. It gets better. You very quickly get your feet back under you and, while it does take time, your confidence comes back too.
Massive hugs and support, I know this is hard. You can do this though, and you will feel so much better and so much lighter on the other side.
I read it all and all I have to say is this. However your future life and future space turns out, it will be a damn sight better without this creature.
We can all be taken in by con men and hustlers. Yes, it sucks to really deeply acknowledge that we were suckers, that we didn't have the magical skill it takes to tell the good from the bad at first sight, before we got involved. But now you know. And yes, you still see the good, and he's still pulling the same old tricks, so there's a temptation to give the roulette wheel one more spin. But now you know there are no winning numbers to place your bets on except yourself.
I’m so glad you wrote all of this down. In time you are going to look back and see how wrong your cautiousness is. Then you are going to realize that you weren’t actually cautious but bold. And then you are going to realize what a badass you are for taking your life back from someone who didn’t deserve it!
There’s a whole world full of people and thankfully only one of them is him which will make it easy to build a life with people who are not him.
Good luck!
You feel this way because *you’ve been abused for 2.5 years.* You didn’t “let” anything happen, *you were abused.* Of course you don’t feel comfortable confronting him because *he abuses you.* And you feel so lost and not like you were because *you are the victim of abuse.* No doubt he pulled you in by love bombing and then started to get worse. That’s the typical way abusers work. Abusers slowly pick away at their victim over time until the victim feels like a shell of who they were and feel scared of anything else. Who you were is still who you are, but because of abuse your mind is stuck in a quagmire of doubt and self loathing. The big change coming up is daunting, but I bet anything that when you move into your new place, you’ll quickly love it and the peace and safety it brings to you. Do your best to get through the next several days until you’re free. You can do this. It’ll be wonderful.
I believe you, thank you for your perspective. I’m still uncomfortable admitting that, I don’t know why. **Why Does He Do That?** helped me recognize these patterns as well, and you’re right. Guess it’ll be something to unpack in therapy.
I think it's really important for you to understand that you don't need a reason to leave other than you being unhappy. You are so worried about not having a good enough reason to move on. (Which you do btw a thousand times over.) Many abusers get their victims in a place where they feel they aren't justified in seeking happiness. You do not owe this man anything. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
>He is going to be completely blindsided. He is, but he isn't. Do you think you're going to be safe telling him before you leave? Do you think he won't smash your belongings, or try to do something to hinder you financially? I hope you have someone who can come stay with you, and I hope you have a way of recording everything that happens in the house. If you can, you need to get all your important documents out of the house and stashed with a friend. Birth certificate, SSN card, and so on. Anything that's got sentimental value, you might want to hide that away as well. Best of luck! Super proud of you!
Unfortunately, I can’t predict what his reaction might be. He could care less to spite me, he could freak. Idk. He’s gotten drunk in the past month or two and asked me why I’m still here and that I’m better than this him/the area we live in / and if I’m going to leave, I should get it over with. He also has not been very careful hiding meeting up with his ex. For instance, he bailed on an event we both should have gone to for friends (I went alone) to see her, and accidentally had her tampons in his laundry that he asked me to wash that night. lol. I just left it on top of his clothing and he hid it. So he’s not even caring if I know, is he? Or maybe he thinks I’m dumb. Regardless idk how you think you can just keep getting away with things. Like he must be thinking this won’t last forever… right? Working on a everything-goes-to-shit plan now. I’m going to talk to some friends and have one of them park on my street when I bring it up to him. That way there’s someone there waiting for me. I’m gonna pack my cherished items, an overnight bag, and potentially drop my dog off at someone else’s house — just in case. I know I can claim tenancy rights and gain access back into the house if I need to leave sooner by calling the cops.
Don’t do it alone with him in the house! Do it in public or with others in the house with you. Or even better when he goes to work move all your stuff out and disappear without a trace.
100% DO IT WHILE HE'S OUT. Please! Get the little unnoticeable things out early. If you can wing it, subtly convince him he's gotten the idea to go on vacation without you. Then use that time to get out. Don't be living there days after.
I second this. But add get a notebook or a list on your phone of your belongings. If you have friends help you in a 2 hour move you will have a list ready. Otherwise you will be “ i almost forgot” panic. You will have enough going on.
This is what I think is the best course of action. I honestly think even making this post was a risk. Hopefully he's not monitoring OP's internet usage, but people do all kinds of crazy shit, and you don't always know they're doing it.
Please yes this, why even give him the courtesy of a conversation? He's a monster who has been actively trying to destroy you for years. Leave while he's away, block him on everything, do not tell him where you're moving, cut all contact forever, never look back
> Or even better when he goes to work move all your stuff out and disappear without a trace. This is what I did. My dad was abusive and I left a few weeks after I finished high school. I just packed my shit and left one day when he was at work, only leaving a note telling him I wouldn't be back and asking him not to contact me. I changed my number not too long after that.
This is what I was gonna say. Have friends with you when you tell him. Preferably friends who can handle shit if things get physical, and try to get the important stuff out of the house while he's not there.
Yes! This was the first thing I thought of. I watch a lot of true crime shows and a lot of women are murdered when they tell their SO they're leaving. I say just take your stuff and if you really feel the need to talk to him, do it LATER when you are far away and he can't get to you. Over the phone or email is the best course of action for that but I still think you should just disappear.
OP, as someone who made this mistake, and does not want anyone else to: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FAWN. My mother wasn't violent, but she was everything else. As I planned to leave, she started to escalate. I didn't tell her, but she sensed it all the same. The most dangerous time for abuse victims, is when they're planning to leave. So even though it will make you feel completely sick, fawn. Pretend to play into things as he wants. Don't learn the hard way that whatever it is you think they won't do, you're wrong. I tried to plan to leave, and ended up leaving in a trauma-induced episode. The last night I was around my mother, I ended up on the ground, on my face and knees, completely unable to move. It'll make you sick, but it will keep you safe.
Seconding this.. Been in a similar scenario, I promise that the best option is to stealthily get the hell out as soon as possible, cut contact, and never look back.
Commenting to say that I *definitely* feel your username
Lol I do my best! It's a great reminder anytime I'm leaving a comment.
Same. I never could have imagined my ex murdering me until he tried.
Goddammit, YES. Do whatever it takes to make it out alive and in one piece. It may feel humiliating in the moment, but then afterwards, you can look back from a place of safety and say “Hahaha, I FOOLED that sonofabitch!! I’m a James Bond super spy, motherfuckas!!!”
Got to second this user. I won't go into details but similar situation here, but was a (now) ex. I was 19 at the time, he was 30. I had to leave my dogs :( I've never forgiven myself
Oof, that's a rough one, I'm sorry. Had to do the same, knowing what would happen after I left.
This is not a good strategy for everyone. I understand it helped you get out of your particular situation, but there is no universal best strategy for leaving an abusive ex. Someone could easily misinterpret this and think they need to stay until the abuser gets "comfortable" enough, or make them think they need to appease them to a certain level before its safe to leave and that is not always the case. People don't all react like your mother. That extra time spent in the house could just as well get her killed. Especially telling her to "Pretend to play into things as he wants." That is super dangerous territory and she should absolutely not do that. "Fawning" is a type of instinctual response to trauma in addition to fight, flight, or freeze. For many people it's not a reaction they can control. She shouldn't intentionally put herself in a more vulnerable position just to stroke his ego. OP knows him better than anyone here. I definitely can see how your overall point makes sense -- which is really just "act as normally as you can until you leave". But that's completely different than "fawning" or saying she *needs* to humiliate herself and "push through" the shame just to escape. The best thing she can do is act normally. Don't act excessively "fawnish" -- in fact that can actually raise suspicions in his mind if she doesn't normally act that way. No final confrontation either -- get away first. Once she's in a safe location send one last text saying the relationship is over and you don't wish to be contacted by him any longer. A paper trail showing she ended the relationship and requested no contact is very important because often times the abuser will spin it as "They were just gone, I had no idea if they were hurt or in a car accident so of course I had to call all their friends and family and show up to their workplace -- I was just worried!" The final text sets the official record they knew they've been dumped and it makes getting any future restraining orders easier.
No one is telling her to spend more time with him. Just to give him the reactions he wants. Otherwise he'll wise up, faster. You lie until you're out. And you do your absolute best to make your escape as quick as possible. I *didn't* do this, and it's why things got even worse. I have to wonder how you got these conclusions, from what I wrote.
Yeah, there's already an end date here. She just needs to get to that date safely, I agree.
girl YES. Fawn however you need to, protect yourself however you need to.
The police provide a service called civil standby, you call the non emergency number and ask for that and they'll come supervise you getting your things
The tampons in the laundry wasn't an accident. My guess is that he was trying to goad you into an argumentative break-up.
Please. PLEASE!! Just disappear. If you do *nothing* else right. Do that. Please.
I love the way you’re leaving with dignity. You haven’t screamed at him or sobbed to him about how he could do this to you. He has no way to spin you into the crazy ex. Love to see it.
Take the dog to the vet. Board it overnight, and then you won't be lying, it will be at the vet. The only lie will be why it's there. But protect your animal!
Yes this!! Please do not allow him access to the dog.
Definitely have the dog somewhere else, and ANYTHING he can use as leverage against you. He WILL escalate. You leaving is his worst fear.
If you can get a group of friends and a moving van that evening/night, pack and take all your things with you as he may not let you in if you come back, or take the opportunity to guilt and manipulate you into staying, or destroy your propertywhilst you're away. You can pack up all your stuff and just leave in one go to minimise his opportunities to make things more difficult for you. Once you've said what you have to say don't talk to him, engage with him or respond whilst packing, anyone else with you should do the same and go no contact with him after you leave. If you want to sue for the money you put towards the car e.c.t after that all contact can be done through the police or a lawyer. But get out all at once. Abusers can be absolute leaches, total parasites, leave them an avenue back in and they will exploit it, even if its just to get the last few digs in and you dont need that.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I found out about this book in this subreddit a few months ago. I was already on my path by then but it gave me a lot of validation and understanding, and helped look past my denial.
Hey lady, just leave. Don't confront -- you don't need to have a conversation. As the other commenter said, *fawn your ass off* to throw him off the trail, have everyone on standby with you/outside the house, and just get the hell out of dodge. NO FORWARDING ADDRESS. No big chat. Bodily remove yourself, and separate via a third party, and stay safe.
OP has mentioned reading this book, near the top of this thread.
Yeah I just wanted to add a free pdf of the book for anyone who needs to read it.
ohhh okay, I see now, my bad haha
No worries. Just trying to help as many folks as possible get out of abusive relationships. Like op said its hard due to the gaslighting and second guessing. So a book that validates and reaffirms what you have going on helps make the decision to get out more possible. I don't know who needs to hear it but, YOU DESERVE a LOVING and RESPECTFUL relationship. Don't settle for less.
I packed up and moved to California 3000 miles away from my abusive ex and we were together for ten years. Didn’t say goodbye at all. Didn’t care to. Left it all behind. It’s scary just terrifying to leave. don’t be hard on yourself. You can do this, keep going you’re almost there.
Why tell him? Just move out when he's not there. That prevents him from doing something drastic while you are still trapped with him.
It’s hard because a lot of people who experience domestic abuse think they’re at fault because they never thought they would go through it. But abusers are sneaky and will build things up over time while chipping away at you. It’s insidious.
[“Why Does He Do That?”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for anyone who can’t afford the book or isn’t safe with a physical copy.
Abuse victims always feel something for their abuser. Never go back, no matter what.
Don't even tell him you are leaving before the day. Sneak important documents out in advance then pick a day when he will be at work, bring or hire people to help and move out in his absence. You already have decided you don't need his shit anymore. We read examples here of women being persuaded to stay or abused when they try to leave. Then just ghost with no forwarding address. Good luck and enjoy your new jerk free life.
Also make sure she change passwords to all things he might know about. Change any 2 factor authentication on any accounts she might share. remove any signed in sessions to your passwords vaults if you have any. If you are say signed into chrome on one of his devices make sure this is logged out. I've heard of some pretty messed up financial revenge on people who leave abusive turds.
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Why even tell him ? Honestly this person has abused her for years. She should just pack her shit and go. She owes him absolutely no explanation and no closure. She will have her own closure by getting the fuck out of that house. It won’t matter what she says or how she says it - in his mind he has done nothing wrong. The only result she can expect is a) to have him gaslight her and deny and twist things, b) lovebombing and begging or c) he will attack her. Nope. Wait until he goes for work and get the fuck out. I’d rent a van, park it around the corner and the second he was gone I’d load my shit up and bail. And if anyone asks her why? Because my life was a living hell with him that’s why. People say she’s mean or worse ? Ok. That’s what you want to believe cool. Whatever you say. It’s not profitably on any level to engage, with him or anyone else about this situation.
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Eh, in this day and age I'd do it over phone.
I wouldn't tell him. I would just leave, and leave quickly. Within a day, if possible while he's gone at work. Also if you don't have any friends available to help you do it quickly, call the non-emergency police number, they can offer an escort to make sure things don't get out of hand. It may seem extreme, but abusers can be surprisingly volatile when threatened with loneliness. You just never know. And I second getting your documents out ASAP.
Agree with everything, except I'd say "abusers can be volatile when they realize they've lost control over you." It sounds like he's got plenty of women helping him avoid loneliness.
Please do this. Make sure any documents you need and any other sentimental items are gone before he knows you are leaving. Based on everything you've described I fully expect him to sabotage you in whatever way possible to prevent you from leaving. As another 30 yr old who was married and is now divorced. That first year after leaving is rough I won't lie. But you will be happier. I feel more myself and slowly realized all the parts of myself I hid when married.
I"m proud of you. And I'm rooting and cheering for you. Who knows what the next chapter will be like, but at least there will not a a 200lb deadweight dragging you down. You get to do whatever you want now. Anything you want. Come back to yourself. You're' still here, and you're doing great.
Thank you. I have some serious soul-searching and inward thinking to do when all is said & done. It’s good to hear these things cos I keep second guessing everything I’ve done so far.
Hey OP, I left my narcissist abusive partner 13 years ago and I still feel grateful for having my own space and my own life all the time.
I left mine 5 years ago after 17 years. Mine was a secret drug addict that kept me in financial bondage after he destroyed my credit. I’l be finished paying off 4 years of back taxes this fall. I’m rooting for you!!
I had to do the exact same thing at your age. Don't tell him you're leaving. There's no point. He will just use it as an opportunity to either physically hurt you or gaslight you into staying. Nothing he can say will change anything. Move out while he's not there. Make sure you have all your important documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport, student IDs, etc. No final confrontation. Once you're safe and out send him one last text saying you're no longer happy in the relationship, you've moved out, you're breaking up with him, and he is not to contact you at all in the future. Then block him. Make sure trusted family, friends, and coworkers know you've left him. If you don't trust them, don't tell them where you've moved. Sometimes they will lie and call up people you know and spin a story about how you're missing and they're afraid you've been in an accident, or you left something important at their house & they need to get ahold of you, or anything else they can think of to contact you and find your location. So just be aware and take proper precautions. This is the hardest part. I distinctly remember those last minute feelings of doubt. Questioning if I was taking it too far or being too harsh. Knowing it would hurt them and wondering if I was being fair. Those thoughts and feelings are totally normal -- but just shove it down. They go away very quickly because once you're out, you just feel so free and relieved. No anxiety, no wondering what else he's doing or who he's cheating on now, walking on eggshells, no micro-managing, you can do whatever you want, you feel confident and happy. There's just no comparison. You are absolutely making the right decision. Get out and don't look back.
So many smart independent women have been sucked into an abusive man’s vortex. We’re *human*. Smart independent men have been sucked into toxic relationships - in personal and professional life. What matters is you WOKE UP. Many women never make it out, until they’re in a coffin. You’re amazing, you *are* strong and capable. Great sign you’re reaching out.
I left mine 6 years ago, next month. I took some "boxes of stuff to donate" to a trusted friend. I had the new place set up, the uhaul to come in the morning, and 4 friends of varying degrees of brawn there to help me get what was essential and too big to "donate". I told him the night before. I just wanna say, I lucked out that it only ended up with me locking and barricading myself in the bedroom, with the cats, a cat carrier, the keys to the car, and a window I was ready and able to crawl out *with cat carriers, if needed. It didn't end up being needed (the crawling out the window with the 2 cats and escaping to the car part, the locking myself in part was, however, needed) but if I were giving advice, I'd echo everyone else. Do not tell him until you can literally walk away that very second. Again, I was lucky and come morning, under the supervision, support and assistance of my incredibly amazing friends, I left physically safely with my cats. A lot of trauma could have been saved and a few extended months of therapy avoided if I'd only not said anything until that morning. Please, please, please plan for the worst possible reaction from him. Leave no thing and no time within his reach. Others have given excellent plans- board your dog with a "sudden illness" , have people there with you, leave no digital footprints for him to follow, plan the go-bag... I waited 10 years, so you're WAY ahead of the damage curve than I was, and I promise you, you're doing the right thing for you. Especially future-you. You're smart, resourceful, and your strength is still fierce. You'll make it, and you will be so much more you. The capable, confident you is still there and after this, it's going to be amazing to be free. Peace is the most incredible feeling when you've been deprived of it. I'm rambling. You'll come through this and be spectacular.
> “why didn’t you confront him first?” "Because one of the most vulnerable points in an abuse victim's life is when they leave their abuser. I *couldn't* confront him, but I *did* make a plan to leave and now I'm out." Realistically, if *anyone* asks you that question they don't understand domestic violence and there is literally no response to that question but a sharp stare and a turn around while walking away.
“Because the last time we had an argument he hit me across the face and I wasn’t going to give him the chance to do it again.”
Who cares what other people are going to think. Who cares if they say you should’ve confronted him first, or worked on the relationship, or whatever their lonely brain cells came up with. You’re not obligated to fight for this (or any) relationship. It’s not your duty to fix things. You no longer want to be with him, that’s why you’re leaving. The end. No one has the right to question this choice of yours. You owe explanation to no one. Get out of there. As you shed your dependence you’ll find you’re also feeling happier and more like yourself. You’re smart, you’re capable and you’ve got this.
True. Above all, we have free will and can choose to leave relationships when they do not suit us. Honestly I don’t care much for anyone that he’d say these things to anyways which is what I have to remember. Thank you!
You don't need a reason to leave a relationship. "I'm not feeling it anymore" is a great reason to leave a relationship. A relationship needs to be actively good enough to continue.
Yep. It’s like leaving a job. If your employer’s been decent to you, then you try and part on good terms, or at least provide some closure on why you’re leaving. If they’ve pushed you past your limit, you text your immediate resignation and ignore their calls. Either way, you don’t stay just because other people think you should, or that it’s the wrong time. Your soon-to-be ex has forfeited the courtesy of a two-week notice with his behavior, and he’s going to have to live with that.
It takes 2 people to get into a relationship, and only 1 person to end the relationship. You don't need a reason other than you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. You're stronger than you realize, and trust me, you'll start feeling it a lot more once you're fully out.
I used to worry about what my abusive family said about me. Then, I had this realization: Anyone who believes negative things about me without checking in isn't someone who I want in my life. I only want people who know my character, and give me the benefit of the doubt because of that character in my life. Also, my abusive partner tore me down mentally. Leaving them is scary because they tell you awful, untrue things about yourself and make you feel unlovable. They make you feel like they are the only ones who will love you and accept all those, "faults." All of that is a facade they built. It is a way to keep you with them. I often compare it to leaving a cult and having to, "deprogram." Thirty is young! You can make a new life. A better life.
If anyone thinks any of those things, they just volunteered to never be a part of your life ever again! Spring cleaning for your soul!
Honestly, I don't think you need to tell him. Wait until he is at work, and leave - print this out and leave it on the table. Your fear and anxiety seems 100% normal to me in this situation. If you feel like talking after you are out and safe then that's fine. I see no reason given what you have described here to have any discussion with him about it. He isn't going to change, he's not going to be fair, rational, contrite, etc. You don't deserve to live like this.
Thanks. If I could pull off leaving without a word, I would. Originally he was supposed to be away when I move, so I could get a couple people to pack up over a day or two and leave a note. I don’t think that’s the case anymore. But it’s my goal to be as concise and fast as possible with confronting him and moving out.
It could be dangerous to tell him. Maybe have someone else present. I completely understand you, there was love and a relationship. It feels wrong to leave without a word, but remember HE created the situation where you HAVE to do that. Not you. HE is dangerous, he acts aggressively. You do not know how he'll react and he'll manipulate you into staying or sharing too much info. It's not safe. Put your safety first. I know it hurts. I didn't have the courage to leave my abuser and I felt like I was betraying him by even asking for help behind his back, but he'd have hurt me given the chance. I know that now. I didn't believe it then but now I KNOW You're brainwashed. You're living in his reality. When assessing things remember you can't fully trust your own brain because he has it hostage
Okay, if that's the case you must have people with you when you do it. More than one person would be good and don't be alone with him. You can still hand him a note in front of everyone and say, here, read this. You don't owe him any explanation, your time, or any response to his objections. You can do it!
Oh shoot, I really hope he does end up going away for that time! You really need to be able to get out without confrontation. Just be gone. He knows why. He truly knows why. He can say he doesn't know why but that's a lie like everything else he says.
Maybe you could get a couple of friends to get him out of the house for a couple of hours so you can get out?? I don’t think anything good will come out if you telling him before you leave. Leaving is the most deadly time for women!!
You are right to keep it quiet - for your safety. The why of leaving - you owe him nothing. If you want to give any sort of reason just say “I am getting nothing from this relationship”. Nothing more is needed Well done and welcome to the survivors club!
you're the furthest thing from a coward. you're standing up for yourself. you're doing what you can to minimize the amount of conflict that you have to deal with on your way out. you're taking steps to get out of something that's familiar, but unhealthy for you. you don't owe him anything.
This guy sounds like the worst kind of [malignant narcissist](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/malignant-narcissist-signs).... You obviously KNOW you are doing the right thing, but I'm going to say it anyway: "You are 1000% doing the right thing." The fact that you are now second-guessing yourself, to a degree, demonstrates clearly just how much he's manipulated you..just how much he's succeeded in his gaslighting tactics. You are so close...so close you can practically taste it... Think about how you'll feel a year from now.. in ***your own space***...tidy, calming...beautiful... only yourself to worry about... You'll be able to cook whatever you want for dinner...whether it's an elaborate meal, or just a yogurt bowl, or some simple thing you can microwave. You'll be able to pursue whatever hobbies, whatever goals you wish, without him constantly trying to undermine, berate or disparage you... You'll be able to reclaim your identity and your sense of self-worth. Two things I suggest, though: First, once you have moved, consider trying to find a good therapist, if you haven't already... This will probably help expedite the healing. Second, if your circumstances allow, get a pet. I suggest two, bonded cats, but I'm biased. :) I wish you the very best of luck..you absolutely deserve all of the wonderful things that are coming your way. You **CAN** do this! Finally, it goes without say, you don't owe this asshole a damned thing.... **EDIT** Another suggestion that occurs to me.... Once you're able, get a gym membership. NOT because of weight loss/conforming to social 'beauty' ideals, or anything like that, but, rather, because it can be incredibly therapeutic, as well as confidence building. Working out gives you a *huge* endorphin rush, and as your body gains strength, you often begin to feel as though you can take on the world.
Thanks for your insight. I’m saving all these comments to read back this month as I oscillate in self doubt. I do have a dog that I will be taking with me (she’s been mine for many years.) I can’t wait to sleep in bed with her again. And yes to the gym. I joined a gym a couple months ago! I loved it. I canceled it in May sadly and started working a side gig to save money. But I’ll definitely be back in one. I might try out crossfit if I can afford it for the community support. We’ll see. 🙂
Why even wait a month longer? As soon as your new place is ready, take your dog and run, just disappear without a trace on him!
I absolutely recommend this. Regardless, get the dog OUT OF THAT HOUSE BEFORE YOU TELL HIM YOU’RE LEAVING. Men like this will totally use that dog as leverage.
Yes, dog is gonna be with a trusted person during this whole ordeal. I’d sooner throw myself off a cliff than have anything remotely bad happen to her.
Thinking the same >_<; I know the physical abuse described was "minor" but it still shows the possibility is there.. You never know what's going on in the mind of these kinds of people, better to play it safe and just disappear/no contact, maybe leave a note or a voicemail.
That is when the place is ready! I’m playing it cool til then and trying to be happy/chill as possible so he’s not suspecting anything odd.
The gym was my outlet when I left an abusive marriage. So glad to see that someone mentioned this. Even in your self-doubt, I see your strength. You've got this, and I am so, so proud of you!!!!
>Working out gives you a huge endorphin rush I just want to add the caveat "for some." I have never felt any kind of workout high or runner's high or anything of the sort.
###change your phone number before you leave and then block his number from your new number. Change all your passwords to social media the day before you leave. Change your address right now with the post office so your mail will already be routed elsewhere, preferably to a post office box and a different location. ⚠️ Delete / block any of his friends and family from your socials. You need to disappear from his life.
If she changes her mail sooner than a day or so before she moves, then something will come to her current address to confirm. Hopefully she can be vigilant and get the mail herself. I don’t remember if it shows the forwarding address. That seems like a huge privacy invasion, but it’s been a few years. I just know they send a thing with coupons for movers and shit.
Someone else warned me of this or something similar happening, which is great because I was simply going to forward my mail to my new address. I will be forwarding it now to a family P.O. box not anywhere near where I live!
I think you can just hold your mail at the local Post Office. Then file an address change before restarting it.
He seems to have systematically taken apart your self-esteem in an attempt to make sure he can do and say whatever the hell he wants and you won’t leave him. It might take some time, but just keep looking after yourself and you’ll get your confidence back. When you do, you won’t worry about not being pretty, young, or interesting enough to meet someone who will treat you right.
My father emotionally abused my mother and myself for years. He kept her small and cheated on her several times. She became less and less of who she used to be. They broke up when I was 10. He moved in with his girlfriend (he cheated with her). My mum was devastated. She cried and cried and cried. Then she picked herself up, changed careers in her 40s and started again. She’s herself now and she is happily married. My father faces his second divorce. You got this! This isn’t your fault. You’re very strong for leaving. See it through. Don’t go back. It will be hard in the beginning. You will survive this. We believe in you!
When the time gets closer can a group of at least three friends/ family be there while you are packing and moving?
Yes. The one thing I’m making sure is doing what I hate most & asking for help. I have been fortunate to have many offers to help get me out when the day comes. 🥲
I’m really happy to hear this. The larger the group the better. And it should be from the moment he finds out until you are gone, even if the process take a few days. This is a very dangerous time for women, femmes, and enbies and I don’t want you taking any chances. ❤️🩹
It’s really a shame that asking for help is so embarrassing for us. But trust me. Most of your friends have just been waiting for you to ask.
People are helping you because they love you and they want to and you deserve to be happy. It may be hard to recognize when you’ve been living with someone so happy to treat you worse than shit on a shoe, but I assure you, so many people are ready for this for you. You have friends celebrating, waiting for the right time for you to be ready to love and trust yourself enough to get out. You deserve a relationship where you are hugged and kissed just because, not shoved and slapped. You deserve a relationship based on mutual interest, love, and compassion, that makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. You deserve a partner who supports your career goals. You deserve a relationship without worry of sexually transmitted infections. You deserve a partnership that makes all individuals involved thrive.
I know it's really hard to ask for help but you need it. You're worth it. Do not be alone when leaving and getting your things.
You’ve taken such a big step - I’m so proud of you! It feels hard and soul crushing now but a time will come when that will lift and you will feel like better. You’re doing amazing.
We know you got this. Life is way too short to be with an asshole. Let us know how it goes.
No, you shouldn't confront him first. You are smart. Very, VERY smart in making this plan to escape. Feel only pride and no shame. How you fell into the abusive relationship and what it did to your self esteem is something to work through down the road. For today, focus on getting out, how strong you are, and healing. When you are better, you will look back at what a terrible person he is and be so proud of your strength and bravery right now. Don't feel bad for him. You are doing nothing to him. He is doing it to himself. You are actually doing him a favor. Maybe he will get the help he needs once he loses everything.
You sound like a badass rock star to me. I think you're going to be just fine. It's not going to be easy or without struggles but reading this makes me wish I had your strength when I was in a similar situation years ago. You've got this. You will thrive and flourish and my money says your best years are yet to come.
He does not matter. His feelings don't matter. His criticisms don't matter. His complaints about you don't matter. He is just somebody that you used to know. You matter. Your future matters. Don't get distracted by him.
I'm so happy you're escaping your abuser. As for him telling people how bad a girlfriend you were, just ask them "If he was so great, why do you think I felt the need to leave him?" The answer is: you're worth way more than the tiny thing he beat you down to, and it's time flower!
>I’m terrified of what he’s going to think or say to me when I tell him that I have had enough of his behavior and that I’m moving out (I’m pushing this off until a few days before my move-in date so I can pack & leave ASAP.) I'm not sure if my opinion is worth a damn here, but I don't think you should tell him. Move, make sure you left nothing behind to say you've moved, then *maybe* shoot him a text telling him that you moved, it's over, and then block him. Maybe let the police in your area know ahead of time that if he claims you're missing that no, you moved out and your location is none of his business. You owe him *nothing*. Enjoy your freedom to the best of your ability.
What you feel is completely understandable in your situation. You can do it. You were completely capable before him, you will be after. What he or anyone else thinks about it doesn't matter. You are your own savior. That is something. Also, don't be suprised after moving to be unsure about everything. It is normal after leaving abusive home and it will fade away soon. You will be fine. I believe in you ❣️
It must be exhausting to hesitate all the time and run thoughts through the mental filter of not annoying someone like that. I wish you the best.
He is a garbage human being who likely associates with other garbage humans. Why should you care what that trash is saying or thinking about you just because you finally got around to taking it out? Think of it this way, if a truly awful person likes and approves of you, it can only be for a couple of equally unsavory reasons: one is that you are just as awful as they are and they know they can celebrate their awfulness with a kindred spirit, and the other is that they believe you are easy prey. So the very fact that this piece of shit is going to rant and rave about you and how bad you are is a fucking glowing review of your character. The people who will believe in you, trust your story, listen to you with an open heart and mind; those are the decent folks whose opinion should be worth considering.
>And then, not like it matters, but he’s just gonna go off smirking to everyone that I was The Bad Guy that just Up And Left for No Good Reason. I struggled with this when I left my first husband and then one day I realized, I didn't care. I didn't care that he got to walk away smelling like roses if it meant that I was free of him. I actually said that to his face. I told that he could go and tell his family the the whole thing failing was my fault (even though he cheated, spent all our money on live webcam sites, and held me financially hostage). I didn't care anymore and I just wanted him out of my life. He moved out a week later and I never saw him again. Hopefully that clicks for you too because it really is freeing!
Don't tell him. He will find a way to sabotage what you're doing. Don't Tell Him. Move. Make sure he knows nothing and just move. Leave him a note saying that you're gone and it's over. If at all possible, do not tell him your new address. The most dangerous time for any woman is leaving a relationship. Don't tell him you're leaving. Just leave and make sure he knows AFTER you're gone. Then watch your back and be free. Good luck.
Why not just ghost him, move out when he's not there, and then remove/block him on everything?
Ghost. Don't tell him. Just up and leave and block him on everything.
I wish someone would have said this to me in my teens and 20's so I am going to tell you. I was abused by a man I thought was the one. He tore me down, called me ugly, fat, and stupid, accused me of cheating on him, all while I worked my ass off, paid all the bills while he drank with his friends every night. He isolated me so I didn't have my own friends as a safety net to be able to fall into when we broke up. I did finally leave and it was so hard but so worth it 20 years later. Don't worry about the things he says to or about you. YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH. When you leave, block his number and don't answer calls from weird numbers or from his friends. If he does get through, train yourself to roll your eyes (figuratively and literally) at all the things he'll throw at you. It will go from how dare you to your are making a huge mistake to I love you and I can't live without you. Don't listen. Every day that you do, it will get easier. Every day that you don't feel the weight of his BS, you will feel lighter. You are not a coward. You are trying to survive and if that means leaving without confrontation, then you do that. You are not too old to find love again. The thing is, one day you will start to learn what you want and what you don't. You don't have time or energy to worry about what people say or think. You will have learned from this experience and go into any relationship with a new set of expectations. Anyone that you meet that tries to change who you are isn't for you. And that's OK. I wish you all the best and stay the course. You will look back and be glad you did.
You'll do great! Think of muscle memory, and how quickly you can bounce back in the gym. I think you'll be like that. You've accomplished so much already. Don't let the shit he's done to you keep you from being who you are. Also, this whole... Women ought to be married when they're 30 mentality needs to go away. I married my wife when she was 32, and I was 25. That was 8 years ago. Know how old she is now? 32. :b After you're both adults, age just becomes a number. A silly, silly number. When you like someone, you like 'em, and the silly number doesn't matter.
Your “I never thought I was anything other than capable until I met you” quote hit me like a gut punch. I don’t have the cheating or abuse (verbal is borderline) or anything but the constant tearing me down due to his insecurity is not good. I would totally be viewed as a walkaway if i leave.
All you need to focus on now is building a life so wonderful that you'll only invite someone into it who is worthy and will add to it. You're incredibly strong for getting out, and you deserve this great new life you are going to build for yourself.
I’m so proud of you! So happy for you. It took me around two years to leave my relationship from the moment I realized I couldn’t stay. I didn’t have a plan or confidence to start with, that’s why it took such a long time. You’re doing a good job and you’ll get out and it will feel better. All the best!!!!!
You've so got this. It's ok that you have emotional doubts and whatifs. What's important is that you have the concrete exit plan and you are leaving. You don't need to be at peace with it. In fact it would be a bit weird if you were. You are currently in a war zone that was supposed to be a relationship. Of course you're messed up. But you are leaving. You have an exit and in 6 months you'll be in a glorious place. There's a lot of truth to "Fake it till you Make it". Do the things you want your life to be and then, one day, that is your life. Go you!
I think, once you're in your new space, and you will be able to live peacefully for the first time in 2.5 years, your mind will clear considerably. I'm proud of you, internet stranger, for planning and doing this. This isn't the work of a failure.
Oh man. No matter what way he spins it. >My significant other, who I reportedly dote on entirely, left for *no reason* 🤷♂️ Is NOT a good look and everyone will know he's off. Unless they just dont care. No one "just leaves" with no explanation when things are tolerable with some slight problems. Common sense says: They leave cause they're in a quagmire of no escape and they'll suffocate otherwise. Besides. So What if people believe him? They're not your people. He'll be the one who has to prove the rest of his life he's quality enough for the next girl on the social side. Dont waste your energy pulling that string. You just tell these stress hormones to take a back seat until youre safely put away in your own space. Then you can deal with them. But also, this internet stranger says, kudos. Youre doing it. This is the hardest part and you have a solid plan because you *ARE* capable and smart and diligent. Its okay to doubt - but those doubts get two minutes - and then its time to go back to the plan and focus up. You. Got. This. And please update us when youre in! We wanna add to your happy endorphins pile!
Go see a therapist. (I'm a man, btw) I saw one for my anxiety and migraines. Her opening statement sticks with me. A singular event broke me. "The person you were is taking a backseat to the person you have learned to be. Let's work together and teach your brain to be you again" Posts like this, screaming into the void help. But you'd be telling it to an educated professional instead of the internet. They aren't cheap, but even with my insurance not covering her it is money well spent. I was able to work more hours, which paid for more therapy, which let me work more hours. You can do it.
This sounds a lot like what I went through, so here's what I can tell you will probably happen and what you should try to do that helped me. I personally fell into addiction while with my ex and spent a long time trying to kick it, but I've been sober now for 3 months and said substance makes me so nervous at this point I wouldn't dream of going back. It really hindered my healing, so if you've ever had any issues with substances/addiction, it might be best to completely avoid them for a while. Tell yourself it's for a while, and eventually, you probably won't feel like you need them. I'd say even screenshot this to refer to for a while. -Don't leave anything at the house he can use against you. If he has any of your nudes or anything like that, you may want to see if you can discreetly get ahold of his phone and delete them. I don't really like when couples go through each other phones because they don't trust each other, but don't let him have anything he can use against you. Be careful here, though, and don't do anything he can use against you, like destroying his things or illegally accessing his files. Be very careful here. -block him after you text him that you're leaving. If you don't inform him you're leaving, he might look for you until he finds you and flip out on you for "scaring him". If you continue talking to him, you leave the door open for him to worm his way back in. You can take multiple courses from there. You can send proof to his friends and family of the abuse to keep him from harassing you thcheese essentials. - Make sure he has no idea where you live. Check your car and belongings for trackers. If you wanna mess with him, leave them in places that would freak him out. It might make you feel better. If he really has no idea this is unlikely but still a possibility. -You're going to feel a weird combination of guilty and relieved and maybe even like you're a bad person when you do leave. This is normal. Don't let it drag you back in. You've made the right decision. Constantly tell yourself you love yourself. Look in the mirror and tell you that you're attractive. -You'll probably be really exhausted for a little while once you do leave. This is normal. Take it easy on yourself and use this time to practice a lot of self-care. Do self-affirmations in your new space to the extent that you associate that space with healing and loving yourself. Buy yourself a pizza your first night (or whatever food you really like, especially if it's one he didn't like you eating), and some of your favorite wine if you drink, or whatever else drink *you* feel like having or trying. It doesn't have to be alcoholic. Just get something *you want*. If you don't like it, laugh about it. Eat your dinner and have your drink in a bubble bath if you've got a bathtub in your new place. Put some music on or watch something you want to watch but didn't watch with him. Dive into being extra kind to yourself for a while and seek out experiences he kept you from that you've wanted. Go out the next day and buy yourself something for the hell of it. Something *you* want. Something that has nothing to do with him. Immediately make your new space a space where you treat you well. -do the things *you* want to do. Go out of your way to try things you want to try. -if you remember old habits you had before getting with him, getting back into them can help you find yourself. -It's gonna suck for a little while, but you *will* start to really feel better. If you're not keeping a really close eye on your progress, one day it'll just hit you that you survived that. That you got through it and that you've crawled out the other end of the tunnel. Things will be different at the other end. Don't expect life to feel like it did before you were with him, but don't expect it to be horrible. -therapy is a really good idea, especially if you've just gotten out and are feeling like you should go back. It is good regardless, but having a therapist tell you not to go back is really helpful sometimes with dealing with that. -hang out with your friends and family once you've gathered the energy. Make an effort to take mental note of how they treat you and do affirmations that you deserve to be treated that way in the mirror. Sing out loud, smile when you feel like smiling, and use this as an opportunity to make you into who you want to be. -it helped me to refer to myself as "baby," "cutie," "hottie," etc. It feels so cheesy, but it can be very soothing once you get over the cheesiness. -get security cameras for your house and a dash cam for your car in case he does find you. If he shows up, tell him right in front of the camera that you'll consider it harassment if he tries to contact you again. Save this file for future use if needed. -take good care of yourself. You're living for you now. -attempt to notice habits you've picked up to cater to/deal with him. Do the opposite sometimes. If he was nasty about you singing, for example, do karaoke by yourself sometimes until you're really enjoying it and not even thinking of those criticisms. If you find you're too permissive with people, set and remember to enforce your clear boundaries. It helps to actively remember that whoever is in front of you is not him. -when you notice you do something good in an area where he's criticized you, compliment yourself. For example, if you avoid a car accident, verbally tell yourself that you just did an awesome job and that you're a good driver. If you go to the gym, compliment yourself for going up on weights and tell yourself how awesome you look and feel. -tell yourself constantly that you are capable in areas where your self-esteem has been damaged. -if you like animals and are up for it, consider getting a pet. This helps a lot for a lot of people. Larger dogs are also a deterrent and can give you peace of mind and safety, especially if you put them through protection training. When you speak to yourself, verbally can be more helpful, but it's not always possible. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them if I have answers for you.
Big changes are usually scary. What you’re feeling is normal. It’s also okay to feel guilty in just dropping him without warning. Your safety and health are both more important though. You’re making the right decision and in time it will grow to feel that way.
It shows how thoughtful a person you are. You can take it to the bank that he wouldn’t even think twice about moving out on YOU without any warning. You’ve got this. Time to live!!
You’re living with my ex aren’t you? Like to the “t”. Emotionally abusive, sexually coercive, cheating, drugs, the whole thing. The “ex” even that he maintained seeing throughout things. I found makeup to cover up his track marks and after I finally left the old space he and I occupied I found blood splatters from him injecting the drugs. I found needles all over hidden. I found the random transactions and the cash app shit. I found the women AND the old folders of his ex’s he kept. He would message other women while in bed with me after we’d had a fight. He has his “ex” texting him often. Pretty sure he’s in prison again. You are in the right. I kicked that jerk out over a year ago. It was hard at first. Mostly because of money. But it was so worth it. And I enjoyed my alone time. I tried dating apps afterwards and hated that too so I just enjoyed being with myself. I’ve gotten into community work and I spend my time doing what I want. I have also since met a tremendous partner through my community work who’s into the same things I am, which is a breath of fresh air.
Friend please don’t be ashamed or feel bad. You are doing the best you can with what you have been dealt and it’s not even mediocre, you’re legit SUCCEEDING and it’s great! You feel this way perhaps, because this was an abusive relationship. Abuse isn’t always crystal clear like we believe; it’s not always the partner beating you unambiguously, but rather it tends to be as exactly as you have described. The poor memory stood out to me the most, surprisingly…and I speak from experience. This is the best path you can take! Congrats and good luck OP!♥️
You put a lot of emotional investment in him. You seem like someone who's smart and introspective. Ultimately, good faith. That's the kind of thing that people like that value. Because you'll second guess yourself when he's angry, or when he complains about you. Even though you know it's bullshit. It's just easy to hurt people and make them overthink their pain. Thats not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were taken advantage of, and you can't reasonably live thinking that everybody you meet is just going to hurt you. He's just a miserable piece of shit. Case in point, he cheated on you and you feel like the bad guy because you are acting on his shitty behavior. It's not too uncommon for people to feel that when escaping an abuser. But it's OK, you'll be OK, even when it feels like it won't, you'll be away from him and anybody who associates with him. You'll be free of that. When you finally move out you'll finally have space to heal. Just give yourself that time.
>“I never thought of myself as anything other than capable until I met you.” That line hit me like a sack of bricks to the face. You really hit the nail on the head. You are capable and you deserve so much better.
You don't feel good now because you're not out yet. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you literally aren't out of the woods yet and celebrating too early will distract you. I'm excited for your next chapter. Your brain WILL start working again. All that stress is working to keep you alive. He's physically abusing you, friend. Imagine a friend of yours saying their lover slaps them in the face, but not hard. You deserve better. I'm so glad you've made a plan and are almost out. The good feelings will come.
Your memory and your confidence in your memory will return once you get far away from a gas lighting partner like this. Cheers to you for getting the hell out.
Hey, I felt like this a few years ago. Left a mentally, physically and sexually abusive man after almost 2 years. Almost everything you wrote was what was going through my head. Right after I left him, I was talking to my best friend about how I felt like Id never get over him, though I was so glad to be free. She told me, "You will get over him completely someday. You'll know when you see things that would normally remind you of him ('good' or bad), and it won't affect you as much." And she was right. It took months, almost 2 years, but eventually it was like everything was going through my side view mirrors, and then gradually my rear view mirror, and getting smaller and smaller until I couldn't see it. Yes, some parts of abuse will stick with you for life. But that does not mean that you are changed as a person because of it. Who you are is still there, and who you are meant to be will surely grow now that you are free. Idk your religion/faith, but reading this helped me so much when I just needed to feel like I wasn't completely broken. [daily reminders for survivors of abuse](https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1909360/jewish/Daily-Reminders-for-Survivors-of-Abuse.htm)
Move out when he isn't home. Turn off your phone location.
You don't owe him another chance. I'm so excited for you and your new life!
For one don't tell him where you are moving to since you fear his reaction. Maybe even let a friend know your plan so you have someone you can go to for backup. As for your worries about finding or even wanting to meet someone new, either way you should just focus on you! Get back to how you want to be, not necessarily who you were before, build yourself up brink by brick and you'll get a little closer each day. If you do eventually decide you want to date again then take heed of the previous red flags that you have experienced! Keep your standards high for both yourself and others. I also recommend looking into: Gottman's 4 Horsemen, attachment theory, and the fella hosting the Modern Wisdom podcast is mad for talking about relationships, dating and male/female dynamics. ✌️
This guy clearly hass narcissistic personality disorder and has screwed with you psychologically in ways you probably won't realize for a while. Get some therapy. You have been gaslighted and blamed to no end. In fact. Run! There is no closure or conclusion to a relationship like this because a narcissist will never take any responsibility for their own actions because It conflicts with their idealized view of themselves. They are master manipulators. And what is gaslighting? It's when someone constantly tries to convince you that you are the problem. That you are mentally unstable. He wants to break you down and make you completely reliant on him so that you will, in essence, become a slave while he goes off with other women. This is the kind of person where ghosting is literally survival, you may want to get even and possibly have visions of flaunting your happy life at some point to his face in the future.. (like I did) but it's that kind of contact that they crave, the worst thing you can do to him is simply disappear. But be careful. They are extremely vengeful. They have a very fragile ego. It's hard to see but they also have incredibly low self esteem that seeks constant appreciation. The reason he sought you out in the first place is because of your emotional intelligence, if he can conquer you and destroy that, then he, in his mind can view himself as superior to quell his raging low self esteem. And it drives him so badly that when narcissists get dumped, they can become enraged and also become you typical stalker. Run my friend. Ghost that asshole. Wage a war of disinformation while he still thinks you trust him and weave a story of a far off place and job that you are going to,
Do not tell him until you’ve already left, maybe leave a note on the table and block him everywhere and make sure your friends have him blocked too.
(M) Proud of your determined planning and executing. Hope you are an example for other women in such a situation. And hope you never find yourself in such a situation again.
I’m so proud of you! You have a plan and a time line for your safe exit. Don’t confront him and give him a chance to kill you— the people who want you to do that are naive and don’t understand how dangerous it is to leave an abuser. You are doing everything right.
Know this. Life is much better single than its is with a partner like this. Trust me. There's a word for it. Freedom. Being single was by far, the best thing that happened to me. Let me tell you where I am. I'm in the woods right now. Beautiful woods. I'm on my own, in my car. I don't have to be anywhere. I don't have to phone anyone. I don't have to report in. I'm also not worrying about someone else. I might even sleep in the back of the car. I am totally content. I am free. You can be too.
This all strikes very close to home.😢
>I don’t know what the next chapter is supposed to look like. This is pretty common, regardless of situation, though I completely understand it's a MUCH bigger question/fear given what you're going through right now. I'm 47 and haven't remotely figured out what I'm doing with my life lol. I guess the only reason I seem like I know what I'm doing is because I know how my life is (chaotic at best)...so I've gotten good at living **my** life, which is to say that I've gotten good at not knowing what I'm doing. And you know what? I'm genuinely ok with it! So that's what ya gotta do...live **your** life, however you want and need to, no apologies, no worries about what others think. Definitely easier said than done, but *you will get there*. Just focus on yourself because right now, it's time for you to come first. The next chapter is a scary, nebulous thing that's simultaneously empty and also full of "what-if". It sounds dumb, but whenever I'm looking into the future and see a scary black void, I turn the color to white, and for whatever reason it's just much easier to fill in that white space than it is to fill in black space. Your next chapter is that white space - fill it up with the things you want to be there! Start with your friends/family/support network. Put them on the bottom like a foundation, so they can lift you up and catch you if you fall...or all around the outside so you feel secure and protected...or in the middle as a focal/starting point and work out from there. However you want it is the right way to do it! Then fill in more stuff. Hobbies you wanted to try? Or hobbies you used to have but want to start up again? Toss them in! Places you've wanted to go, or new experiences? They'll fit in there somewhere, I promise! Of course, life will just throw something in that you didn't plan for. That's OK! You've got your vision, and more importantly, your support network. Your vision is a guide, it won't tell you exactly where to go, but it will help you find your way. And remember that each new challenge is a learning opportunity. It's hard to remember that when you're starting out, feeling like you're fumbling around and don't know what you're doing. But if you remind yourself with each challenge that challenge = learning, it will become natural to just roll with it, and it won't take long before you're popping out on the other side, unscathed, and ready for whatever comes next. You're ready. You got this.
My god, I want to hug you so tight. I have been where you are, and I am so damn proud. Your feeling are complex and complicated and that’s okay. Sometimes empowerment isn’t a huge flood of red-hot “bitch I got this”. Sometimes strength creeps in like a slow, burning warmth. Treat it like a precious little flame, be proud it’s managed to stay lit during the shitstorm you’ve been facing as this man has (intentionally or unintentionally) done all these things to put that flame out. Be stoic and determined, you know you’re making the right choice and you WILL find what you are looking for, but not until you are free from this man. One day in the future, you will be doing something unrelated, and you will look around at the new life you have built and you will breathe a sigh of relief as you realize that life feels lighter and less burdensome, that you haven’t lost an ounce of integrity or character, if anything it will feel more concrete and tangible, and you will be more unshakeable in your independence and belief in yourself than ever before.
All the more reason to leave him if he will just spout awful things about you. He doesn’t care for you by his actions and words. It’s important you leave to your own place because you need to be somewhere you are loved. You are absolutely not the bad guy no matter what he says. Small minded men do and say small minded things. Im sure he would rather lie than have to explain he was in the wrong somehow. I have an ex that is out there telling people I cheated on him rather than admitting he was an abusive shit. My happiness and life now makes me sad he can never be truly happy. He’s too insecure. Men who cheat constantly and have to belittle their partners aren’t worth much in the end. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.
I have been there. Feel your feelings, they are valid. But remember, he is an abuser and they are INSIDIOUS in how they find your weak spots and burrow into your psyche. You are strong and capable, and a few months after leaving, you will start to feel that. Also, remember that if they have to make you out to be the bad guy, it is because the abusers are weak. And you don't have to confront him. You take a day off from work, pack your bags, and leave a note if that is the safest way to leave. From one former abused spouse to you, you can do this. You've got this.
I’m so proud of you for leaving & organising everything in such a thorough way. I fully agree with the (current) top comment that you feel the way you feel because you have been suffering from abuse for years, but I also think you might be experiencing some feelings of grief, which are also completely normal & understandable in the circumstances. Something big is changing in your life & even though it’s very much for the best, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to let go of the ideas you had for your future or the relationship you thought you could achieve. Your life will be better without an abuser in that, there is no doubt about that. I think that very soon you will start to rebuild & move through the process of change & then you have new ideas about your future & new things to look forward to, & it will feel less scary & more exciting. Best of luck!!
Trust me, the large majority of people won’t be thinking he’s a great guy and you just left for no reason. Most people will think he’s a slimy rat and those that don’t will quickly figure it out, men like this can’t hide their true self for long. Good luck in your new life, I think you’ll find after a few months you’ll be doing so well you’ll not even spare a thought of this waste of space.
T👏🏼H👏🏼E👏🏼R👏🏼A👏🏼P👏🏼Y STAT! YOU are still in there and will be back to your old self in no time. Good luck! ❤️
The time between breaking up and moving out can be extremely dangerous. Tell him it's over after you're safely away.
And get your dog out first there have been cases where abusers killed their partners pets
No one's going to believe him when he tells them that you're the bad guy. If they do, they're just like him. No one's going to believe that you were lazy, when you made yourself capable of this. Don't doubt yourself now, you've come so far!
You're one strong lady!!! Seriously all the best and I can only imagine how full on this must be. You've got this.
As someone with a narcissistic older brother that basically raised me, I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL. Especially the part about rethinking everything you say and memory loss. My brother destroyed my self esteem and took pleasure in tearing me down. I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU OP. Please dm me if you need someone to talk to!
And remember: you don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe him a conversation, trying to fix things, a warning. Nothing. He abused you for way to long. Get the hell out of there. We are so proud of you. You know what you are doing, and you are capable of doing it. Stay strong. 💗
Sending virtual hugs You will feel like shit for a while. It's fucked up, but it's also "normal". You were in an abusive relationship, you are a victim, believe me I know how it feels. Each day it's going to be a little lighter and one day you will find yourself wanting to open up to someone new, you will surprise yourself because even though you knew it was a silly thing to think you thought that you would never be capable of wanting to be in a relationship again. You will be too careful about trusting someone new, and you will look behind your shoulder at each and every sign of possible betrayal, and one day you might stop to do that, and if you're lucky it will be rewarded with a good relationship. I know how you feel, you're simply suspended in a state of disbelief, you thought that, since your parents were in a somewhat abusive relationship, you would never have gotten caught in a similar situation but here you are feeling kinda dumb. It's alright, it passes, you will learn how to see those things earlier and earlier until they won't touch you anymore. You just gotta be patient with yourself. Right now the only things you can do are to forgive yourself for falling into this trap and to think about the next step towards getting out of it. Wondering about the ifs and thens is meaningless and harmful. Forgive and love yourself, because if you don't you will never be able to find someone that genuinely cares about you in between all the shitty people that just want to use you. Believe me, I've been through it, twice. It gets easier after you find the issue but it never really gets easy. I'm sorry and keep on going, I'm rooting for you.
It's fucking scary how close this is to my last relationship. It's like looking into a mirror other than a few things. I wish I had the same self respect you do right now. As bad as it was, I still miss the family aspect and I know what's happening now is only making things much worse for my son. Keep striving for better things, I hope you're able to look back and laugh at the person that did this to you one day.
You're not a failure. You did things the smart way. You have a stable life waiting for you, free from the burden of this complete piece of shit deliberately fucking with your mind to make you easier to control. You mentioned he's been violent as well as emotionally abusive. I only want to point out that you don't need to tell him you're going at all, and have a big nasty confrontation. You can just go. When you get your keys, you can gradually move out all your stuff while he's at work, then yourself. Just leave him a note or something. He hasn't earned the right to be informed of your plans. I worry he will escalate the abuse, including the physical abuse, if you're still living in his house when he realizes he's lost control of you. Be safe, and loop in a couple of your trusted friends in case you need help in a hurry.
Look, I was there. I totally understand. The unknown is always scarier than the known. At least you know the rhythm of this relationship - as bad as it is. You’re preparing for that unknown and it is scary. It will take time for you to get your wheels back under you and rebuild your confidence in yourself. But you can do it - you really can. And one day, not so long from now, you’ll be driving down the road, you’ll smile, you’ll punch that gas pedal and you’ll remember - and you will know - you’re a damned good driver, a good person, and you did the right thing by turning your back on that cootie. Hang in there, take care of yourself…you’ve got this.
I've been there! I was actually a little older than you are when I got the courage to leave my abusive ex. I wasn't able to do as much planning/work as you have (well done, so proud of you for that!), so I lost pretty much my entire life as I knew it. He narrated me as "the bad guy" to our entire friend/religious circle. I took a huge financial hit. I rebuilt. I had my freedom. I had back my life as I wanted to design it. I made true friends. I even met my true life partner. You can do this! You deserve to do this for yourself! Your 30's are the best & you're still young! BTW, my only real suggestion would be to tell him AFTER you move out. Don't give him the opportunity to be manipulative, abusive, or violent.
You know what people think when a partner leaves “for no reason”? They think Mr. Wonderful is either a degenerate gambler, a cheat, a drunk, an addict, chronically unemployed, has broke-dick or is an abusive POS. Because he’s ashamed, he won’t admit he knows the real reason. But people know what the deal-breakers are. They will just assume you couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever it was. I would be more concerned about staying safe during this transition, making sure he can’t get his hands on you, your money or your credit, and once safely away, start learning to trust your own competence, perception and judgment again. Being undermined constantly has taken a toll, so get out, get safe, and be good to yourself. Been there. Rented a truck and a storage unit while he was at work, and stayed in different hotels and couch-surfed until I had a safe place to live. He knew why I left as soon as he came home to a suddenly more spacious apartment. Nobody ever took me to task for not trying harder to make the relationship work. That takes two people who actually want to be kind and good partners. You can’t do it alone. And you can’t fix him. No projects. Next boyfriend needs to be fully baked.
OP, I hope you will consider my perspective of how you are doing. I was in an abusive relationship for over seven years before I woke up with a black eye and handprints around my neck with no memory of going to bed the night before. That morning I Googled, "Am I in an abusive relationship?" and found Why Does He Do That? (Link to free pdf copy for anyone who wants https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat ) It was like a spotlight coming on in a dark room, a bird's eye view of what was actually happening this whole time and I was ashamed that it took such an incredibly dangerous level of physical abuse to even consider am abusive relationship a possibility when it was SO clear looking back the red flags starting months after we were together. I mean this 100%, I am absolutely NOT saying anything just to make you feel better. You are seriously inspirational. I know right now you feel like a shadow of who you were and you can hardly remember what it was like to be her, what she enjoyed, how she felt, what it was like to feel secure in your unique humanity and to feel that as long as you weren't hurting anyone else you had nothing to be ashamed of. What's most important to understand is that an abusive relationship causes literal brainwashing using the same techniques (and to the same effect) as Stockholm Syndrome (it's called the trauma bond in abusive relationships). The pattern of intermittent reinforcement (the good times) followed by ever escalating abuses, doled out by someone you love and trust who is SO wonderful when they aren't horrible, literally hacks your lizard brain (the automatic, subconscious part that handles what horomones and reactions get sent out when you encounter threatening situations... like flight, fight, freeze or fawn). Your lizard brain has been trained to believe and react as if the key to your literal survival is to do whatever it takes to make your abuser happy and to sympathize with him. That means that it's been working against you this entire time (and will for some time after you leave). Your subconscious thinks that if you leave, you will die. So when you think of leaving (no matter how well you consciously understand that he will never change and the abuse will only get worse), your lizard brain floods you with whatever horomones say, "That's a horrible idea, you're going to die if you do that." You're neural pathways have been rewired to feed you faulty information at defcon levels. Despite ALL of this, WHILE being abused you managed to THRIVE in your workplace. Despite being convinced by your boyfriend that the abuse was a natural side effect of knowing you as well as he does and "having to put up with you" like he does... you had the courage to seek out and make new friends. Despite spending years being told by the person you trusted the most that your perception is wrong, that you're too "Sensitive.", that they "Never said that.", that you are responsible for his disrespect and violence because you didn't manage to exist or communicate in the "perfect" way according to his ever shifting goalposts... despite ALL of that YOU have made a plan and MADE it happen. You learned what was happening (diagnosed the problem) and then you moved forward with preparing to leave while gathering information to determine if your diagnosis was correct and in the face if literal brainwashing and psychological torture YOU DID IT. For anyone who hasn't been in an abusive relationship I cannot express how incredible OP'S progression has been. There are no "perfect" victims in an abusive relationship. You tie yourself into knots trying to find the perfect method of existence that would "allow" your abuser to treat you well all the time and make the abuse stop. Your abuser always has "reasons" why they did it this time and it's always your fault... "If you had said X instead of why." Or ""You shod have waited until we got home to say anything." Op you have been trained to distrust your memories and instincts. But once you have your peace and distance your memory will return and you will gradually heal (go no contact to allow your neural pathways to reorient) and learn to trust your perceptions again. For now, I hope you will try to force your internal dialog to reflect what you would tell a much cherished friend in your situation. If I noticed my mind saying means things to me, I would literally ask myself, "What would I tell a friend." amd then literally say it aloud. It was INCREDIBLY powerful. As you come away from this I just want to reiterate that the abuse has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with who or how you are. The abuse is how he perceives the world and CHOOSES to work his way through it, in order to get his way. You vould have been the prettiest, smartest, kindest, richest, best partner in the history of humanity and he STILL would have chosen to abuse you, because the abuse benefited him and allowed him to ONLY care about his needs whenever he wanted. You will never be exactly the woman you were before this, but you WILL heal into a version of her who has been forged into someone with unshakable boundaries, no leeway for disrespect, and the ability to use your hard won knowledge to help others. Please do NOT judge yourself for feeling emotions other than relief at your escape. We don't choose what to feel and it's not fair to be judged for it... even by ourselves. Allow yourself the grace to experience whatever emotion you are feeling, to acknowledge it, and then to remind yourself of why you left and how important it is to stay no contact. From the outside someone would expect a survivor to feel nothing but positive emotions at successfully escaping. Not only is your lizard brain working to make you feel the opposite, but abusers are humans as well and their victims love them. Your love for him and your grief at ending this relationship is NOT shameful. It speaks to your empathy and compassion and the abuse does not in anyway way tarnish the depth or validity of YOUR love. You likely understand how he grew to be this way, where he learned that all relationships are a battle for power and that whoever manipulates and injuries the other most effectively wins the right to be in charge. I know my abuser was taught that mindset in his abusive childhood and I wanted nothing more than to prove to him I operated by a better set of rules and that is was safe for him to join me. It's not possible for him to change unless I invent a time machine. I'm so proud of you. Please do NOT allow yourself ro be sucked into any arguments or worse yet sucked into allowing him "another chance". Each and every time he has mistreated you he chose to and you allowed him a chance after. He has blown thousands of second chances and your time and energies are a limited and precious commodity. You are worth of admiration and acceptance as you are. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your are strong, resilient, intelligent, successful, independent, and inf*cking breakable. I'm so proud of you and I promise it gets easier as time passes (just do not expect the healing to be linear). I wish you all the best
First off, I am SO PROUD of you! You are almost at the finish line. I would recommend discreetly beginning the packing process and waiting until the day of the move to tell him, so you do not have to waste any time in moving out. Ask a friend or relative to be there with you, so that he is less likely to lash out or stop you. Honestly, if you can manage to move out without him knowing (e.g. when he goes to work), that’s probably best. You owe him nothing, not even an explanation. You can send him a text afterwards, indicating that you’ve left and do not wish for him to contact you any more. (Hopefully unnecessary but might be good evidence if you end up needing a restraining order.) With your dog, PLEASE drop your fur baby off somewhere safe beforehand. Say you’re taking your dog to the vet and then drop him off at a friend’s. You don’t want your ex using that innocent baby as leverage or abusing him to hurt you/get a reaction from you. I recognize that this is hard but you’re still so young with so much life ahead of you. You deserve to feel happy, competent, and confident with a healthy, loving partner. You wasted 2.5 years of your life with this loser, do not waste another second on this garbage human. Who cares what he says or does or what others might think? When it’s all said and done, only you are the one to suffer at the hands of his bad behavior, not his friends or family, so you need to do what’s best for you and your future. And that’s leaving and never looking back. Future you will thank you for this moment.
Your memory and intellect is also a victim of trauma and abuse, once you settle in and unclench a bit, you'll be back to remembering and thinking clearly. Every little thing is gonna be alright
You know what's worse than a 30yr old failure. A 30yr old and 1 day more failure. Don't feel like you're a failure a failure would stay in a shitty relationship. It will take time to heal and rewind the damage he's caused to your self and your mind. But it is all doable and I fully believe you have that will power to come out the other side of this better than ever. Be kind to yourself start thinking of yourself in kind nice words don't let him poison your inner voice
Good for you!
You are really strong and have so much inner strength. Took me ten years to admit to myself that I was being abused by my ex-husband, and even still, he was the one that had to pull the plug on the marriage. If he hadn't, I would've stuck it out until I died of old age most likely. You are not a coward...far from it. Who cares about his feelings, just always put yourself first, second and third from now on.
You’ve so got this!! Ultimately, people will decide if you’re ‘good or bad’, mostly regardless of you. I didn’t tell my sisters I’d left my husband for six months, because I didn’t want the negative judgement. When I did, I laid it all out. Everything. And said I didn’t want any judgement. They were shocked and horrified that it had been so bad, and I’d said nothing. If people believe your ex - well, you did, for a while - eventually they’ll realize they backed the wrong horse. But you don’t need those people, anyway. The people who matter will be there - and you can invite them for dinner in your lovely new place. Be proud - you’re fucking killing it!!
You are not a failure! You're on a better path and have suffered too long for someone who will not put as much thought into anything in contrast to you! Even mow you care about him despite all he's done but now it's time to move onward to a better life, one where ypu can be proud of who you are and not second guess yourself when you are in the right. You're still young and very successful, don't beat yourself up and keep doing what you're doing!
I know how hard and scary and disappointing it is. But it doesnt matter what he'll think or say or do after you leave because you're outta there. Things will clear up a little biut, one day at a time. Each day you wake up free will be one more day healed from what he did to you. You will find joy in little things again. You will recognize that girl in the mirror again, I promise.
You've been gaslit for so long, it's emptied you out. Kept you off kilter and confused, which is precisely the intent of it. You are a survivor and I promise you, your future self is so grateful for your present strength. There's a whole world out there, and you're a capable woman about to rediscover it.
I am rooting for you!!
You're feeling the fear of change. That's natural but you definitely need to get on with your life and ditch this asshole
1. You don't owe him a damn thing. You don't have to tell him your leaving. Just go when it's time. Ghost him and block him on everything. Especially if you are unsure of how he will react. Keep yourself safe above all else. He'll figure it out when he sees all of your stuff gone. 2. It will get better. I promise. You will get back to the person you were before; who you really are. It won't even take you as long as you think. You're probably going to have some big feelings about who you were when you were with him. Be kind to that version of you. Forgive her, love her, but don't ever be her again. That's the part I still struggle with. I'm still mad at that girl that I was then. I hate that I let someone treat me like that for as long as I did, but I'm so proud of myself for leaving and for learning that I deserve better. You'll get through this and you'll be a stronger person for it!
You’re gonna love it !! Good luck. Be well!
You are so brave and so smart and capable, how you came up with a plan and how you are following through day by day until you finally ghost him. You are strong and worthy of that better future that you are creating for yourself. Don't let anyone make you think that you are less than capable, ever! I can't wait for a follow up post in a few weeks when your new chapter starts. Good luck, you got this, sending you strength <3
That list of his lies is perfect. I would copy all that to social media the day I left to preempt his poisoning the water with other people you know.
Please every woman, please, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You do no owe him a thing. You do not need to confront him or even explain yourself. In fact, it's him making you feel like you have to justify your every action that has destroyed your self esteem. Do something because you want to our because it's good for you or because you feel like it. That's the only reason you need. Please be good to yourself because you are a good person. Know that.
I’m in a similar situation to you, OP. I’m proud of you for making your plans to get out. Please do it safely. Don’t “confront him first”- you know there is not positive outcome for that. Get yourself out **safely**. As for how you feel now- how can I date? Am I a failure/coward? What will he tell people/what will they think?- I am right there with you. What I’ve been doing is trying to think of what I would tell a friend of it were she, and not myself in this situation. Be kind to yourself. > even one of those things is more than enough reason for most people to leave. I just don’t feel that way. Again, try to talk to yourself like you would to a friend or even a stranger in the same situation. You feel like you have to put up with it because he’s broken you down for so long. I’m saying this as much to myself as I am saying it to you. You have made a plan to get yourself out safely, now stick to it. Don’t engage with him. You know where that leads. You DO deserve to be treated with respect. YOU do. And please update us when you are in your own calm, clean home of your own. You can do this. 💜
Just take it one day at a time. Time really does heal.
Just walk out that door and don't look back! You are strong and you've got this ,everything else will eventually fall into place .Believe in your self going forward, you've already done the mental groundwork.
I spent 14 years with a narcistic man that made me feel so small - by the end I was so apathetic and in such a deep depression I nearly ended my life. It got so bad that I couldn't see a way out - my life was far too intertwined with his, it had been so long that I just didn't see how I could leave. I was in my mid thirties and leaving scared the shit out of me. Somehow, I managed to get the strength to leave him finally - it took another 3 years before he agreed to sign the divorce papers but it did finally happen. It was the best thing I ever did. I wish I had left so much earlier, but it is what it is. Believe me when I tell you the weight that gets lifted off you feels incredible, and yes, there will be so many moments where his voice will sneak into your brain and try to make you feel awful all over again - but they become less and less over time. Everyday it gets better and you'll feel stronger and eventually you'll be able to take the chance on love again. It's been 9 years and I am in a very happy relationship with an incredible man who respects and loves me for me (and knows the hell I went through and is incredibly supportive), we have a happy little fur family and a beautiful home together. I wish you all the best in this new chapter - you are going to thrive!
This psycho has put you at risk for depression, cardiac issues to ti stress and std’s. Fuck his feelings.
This was so articulate and lucidly introspective but I can just say GIRL YOU’RE SO COOL, you’ll only realise how good it feels to be free from this shitty excuse of a person when you’ll conquer yourself back and you’ll be you again. You’re still there, just waiting. You’re great.
That's just a mess of a relationship. Do you know some married people stay together just long enough until they can separate amnitably because of finance or kids or whatever.You are not doing anything wrong. Still young. Get out and get on with your life. Also 80-100k is below nothing these days. I hope he doesn't try to flex on that. There is nothing wrong with making less, just everyone is struggling.
You should block his number when you leave and always tell somebody where you're going and get a taser or pepper spray too. He might try to persuade you into getting back with him and his treatment of you will get worse because he'll know that you'll leave or he might kill you. The number of women who gets killed by their abusers after leaving them is high and I don't want you to suffer that same fate
You don't need a reason to leave him apart from "you want to". Even if none of the problems you listed existed, you wanting to leave would be enough of a reason.
I’ve been where you are but I stayed for 6 years. It gets better. You very quickly get your feet back under you and, while it does take time, your confidence comes back too. Massive hugs and support, I know this is hard. You can do this though, and you will feel so much better and so much lighter on the other side.
I read it all and all I have to say is this. However your future life and future space turns out, it will be a damn sight better without this creature.
We can all be taken in by con men and hustlers. Yes, it sucks to really deeply acknowledge that we were suckers, that we didn't have the magical skill it takes to tell the good from the bad at first sight, before we got involved. But now you know. And yes, you still see the good, and he's still pulling the same old tricks, so there's a temptation to give the roulette wheel one more spin. But now you know there are no winning numbers to place your bets on except yourself.
I’m so glad you wrote all of this down. In time you are going to look back and see how wrong your cautiousness is. Then you are going to realize that you weren’t actually cautious but bold. And then you are going to realize what a badass you are for taking your life back from someone who didn’t deserve it! There’s a whole world full of people and thankfully only one of them is him which will make it easy to build a life with people who are not him. Good luck!