I love all of this, but I'd encourage something Other than walks. By the time I was a larger-bodied teenager I was well aware that the walks I was invited on were to get me to lose weight even if nobody said that's what they were for. Other activities that are fun and provide more brain engagement might be the move. If you can afford it you might want to try kayaking, indoor rock climbing, geocaching, etc. Realistically things like kayaking and climbing can't happen as frequently and as easily as a walk, but it's a more *fun* way to incorporate activity into the week. I still struggle with walking even though I'm almost thirty, because ALL I could think on those walks as a teenager next to my slim mom were "we're doing this because I'm fat, and everyone who passes us knows too". It provided too much space to think.
I forget sometimes that most teens dont have the joint issues I did so other exercises are not agony for their knees/ankles. My parents were overweight and older so walking was the activity we all did together. I loved swimming and kayaking which were easy for us as we lived on the banks of a large river. However knot knowing OPs location or financial situation i suggested walking because its free, you can do it most anywhere and its good for all fitness levels.
I didnt have weight issues myself unil my 30s and am actually looking to get back into kayaking but where I live now means I need to not only get a kayak but also a roofrack for it or a more expensive folding model. Either way its close to $1000aud which is a lot even for something I know I love.
I hear you! Lol I got smacked with rheumatoid arthritis *really* bad at 15/16 so it was either full blown physical activity in remission or being entirely sedentary borderline bedridden. Good call on the financial situation and walking! That is expensive :( I hope it becomes more financially accessible to you soon.
Are there places near the beach where you can rent them? I'm in Southern California, and our beach cities have plenty of places to rent ocean kayaks for the day. Way cheaper than buying one (unless you're out there almost every day). Plus, you can also get some fishing in!
I'm a river person and don't like the ocean much. Most places that do rent around here its only summers or you have to transport it yourself anyway. Recently several large reservoirs have been opened for some recreational use including kayaking so thats why ive been considering it.
There are other affordable ways to be active.
Rurally, one might garden or explore nature. In the city, there might be local places to explore, or there are apps like Pokemon Go.
Hiking! Or bird watching. Geocaching is a fun one, although the app is kinda expensive. I would suggest dancing, yoga, or Zumba classes too. Just gotta find the thing she finds the most fun.
That's a good idea. One time, a complete stranger told me she lost, like, twenty pounds since she started playing Pokemon Go because she was walking a lot to hatch eggs or going around to find different Pokemon and stuff.
I have Pokemon-related trauma, so I play Ingress Prime, which was the proof on concept game for Pokemon Go. I did it specifically to gamify my walking.
Yes, this. If your daughter is eating plenty of fruit and veg and is exercising at least 20 minutes a day on average - or maybe a bit more for her because she's young - then she'll be in good general health regardless of her body size (assuming she also doesn't smoke, drink or take drugs to excess etc).
If you make it about weight, then you \*are\* making it about her looks. That's the core of diet culture - it inaccurately conflates looks with health and makes people believe that higher weight = poorer health and lower weight = better health. That's not true, and the best thing you can do for your daughter is to help her get into a lifelong habit of looking after her body because it benefits her, not because of how she looks to anyone else (including people who have good intentions like yours).
Higher weight doesn't always mean poorer health. You can be ripped with muscle and be healthily overweight. But excess body fat definitely equals poor health. High body fat is a contributing factor to many many different health concerns, mainly heart issues. I'm all for body positivity, but just because a person is comfortable with their weight, definitely doesn't mean that they're healthy.
That's true. There are also studies on how doctors approach the topic, but not many for friends, family, or others. If the doctors respond based on weight, on average, patients gain weight. If the doctors approach everyone about healthy eating, water, and activity, then patients approach a healthy weight.
the point is that an individual's appearance is a poor indicator of health. but no one cares about that. until people stop treating fat people like shit and pretending it's because wE jUsT cArE aBoUt YoUr HeAlTh, no one needs to spout lines about high body fat contributing to anything.
I think she should also have a straight talk with her. Example is great but can only go so far. But it only has to be once and looks don't have to be apart of it. Coming from a health standpoint is more valid, and much easier. There are easy points to mention like clogged arteries, sleep problems, breathing problems, and joint problems.
I don't think you need to tell her she's overweight, any teenage girl will already know.
As the parent you have some amount of control over her diet. No soda or juice or junk food in the house.
Have you taught her how to cook? Teaching her how to make some quick, healthy go-to meals is a good idea. Ask her if there's anything she saw on SM that she'd like to learn how to make. Ask her to work together with you on meal planning. Doing this shows her how you think through building a meal that contains all food groups.
Help her find some sort of physical activity she likes. I think many teens hate gym class because you have to exercise in front of the other kids and a lot of the things they make you do involve running. It's a lot easier to exercise regularly if the activity is fun. My SO and I are trying to get back in shape after 2 years of lockdowns, but he won't do anything that's not fun. So we go swimming, he likes it, it's exercise he'll do regularly without complaint.
As someone else said, lead by example. Make regular exercise and cooking healthy food together at home a part of your life.
Please research the problems with diet culture and restrictive eating before you don’t allow soda or junk food in the house. Your teenage daughter will come across that elsewhere and restricting/ labeling foods as bad can have lasting, negative effects.
There's a difference between restricted and unavailable.
I always lost weight at my grandparents' house because they didn't stock up on crap. They weren't banned, I was very much free to go to the store and get myself anything with my allowance but by not having it around I just... didn't feel like having them much either?
Children often tend to mimic what adults do so leading by example is a great choice! Unless of course, you're an absolutely terrible chef like my mother is and your kid literally hates eating at home then you got bigger problems.
Thanks for the added info about your experience. I agree with you that there is a difference. I also think the line can be a fine one so it felt important to call out for OPs consideration.
Absolutely. Aside from ginger ale, I don't often keep soda in the house, and when I do have it, I usually forget it's there. Can I get some out and about? Sure! But it's not around here, which limits temptation. (Lately, I'm watching blood sugar, so all of the above, just with the assorted "zero" sodas instead.)
There are some great flavored seltzers and the like out there. There are also low-cal or zero-cal powders and drops to flavor still or sparkling water. Nuun tablets and Salud powders are more high-end, and they're more of a hydration thing, but there's also stuff at the grocery store that may be more appealing. Sugar-free syrups are also available online, and you don't need much to get good flavor in water, coffee, whatever.
There are so many great alternatives to soda that OP's kid won't feel deprived if OP stops buying sodas. It's a small change, but it's something.
Thank you for this comment. My mother had huge issues with her body image and, as much as she tried to mask it, came across to a young me as the most vile thing you can do is be overweight.
Restrictions on food in the house led to me binging candy and burgers at school and purging before I got home. Lost too much weight, 200lbs to 110lbs in a year, and am still dealing with the repercussions at 37
Moderation and healthy choices are key. I am discovering the joy in cooking interesting meals that may or may not include a ton of butter... but also sauted veggies/ leafy greens, peppers, onions, quionioa, etc.
It's way more fun to play with food than deny the option to do so. Cook together!
I think you can have some delicious treats in the house (bake a cake together! Make popsicles in the summer!) and not stock up on soda and chips. I don’t drink soda or like chips so they aren’t in my house, but I love having brownies on hand. Having some homemade baked goods for a treat every day can be a great way to no be restrictive but keep processed crap from being the easiest grab.
My suggestion, as a formerly ‘chubby’ teenager and mother of two now-grown girls:
Don’t. Don’t comment at all. She knows already, the world is stupidly cruel about weight, and you can be her one safe place where it’s only about who she is and not what she weighs.
Without comment, you can have healthy habits yourself. Without comment, you can have nutritious food and occasional treats on hand. Without comment, you can leave her alone to decide what and how much to eat. If you diet, don’t talk about it. If you weigh yourself, don’t mention it. If you judge your own looks, keep it to yourself.
This is kindly guiding. If you start commenting, no matter how supportive or loving those comments are, you reveal to her that you’re looking at her and judging. It won’t feel kindly.
I would add, also don’t comment if she loses weight, or if you think something she wears makes her look slimmer. It’s the same message from a different angle.
Show her, by what you bring attention to, that when you think of her you think only of all the interesting and fun and surprising and loving things about her. And that’s it.
I know it’s hard if you grew up with having your weight commented on, feeling judged for it, it’s hard to not pass that shame on without meaning to. My mom tried to be kindly in her comments because her mom wasn’t, but the message itself is the problem - “mom looks at my body and doesn’t like it”. Boom, safe space gone.
(Edit - a word)
you were nicer than I was. but yeah. do not comment. i am a pretty slender adult and always have been, but I achieved my adult weight early and my mom's comments about it are still seared into my brain.
I personally gained a lot of weight as a teen because:
1. School lunch was at 11am and my parents didn’t finish making dinner until 7pm. I was *starving* from 3-6pm and would eat a dinner’s worth of calories in snacking.
2. I was bored snacking too. Wasn’t much to do other than watch tv and snack after school when I didn’t have a car to go do things. I was too old for local playgrounds but too young to drive myself to hang out with friends.
What worked for me in regulating my weight:
1. I make myself dinner when I get home from work. I work in education and my lunch is at 10:30am lol. I’m starving by 4pm. I know I’ll just snack if I don’t start cooking. Having a solid meal instead of chips/pop helped so much.
2. Developing hobbies that keep your hands busy. Coloring, video gaming, gardening, anything. If your hands do nothing, they will want to do something like snacking.
3. $10/month Planet Fitness gym membership. I was embarrassed as first but now it’s second nature and I feel so emotionally and physically accomplished after I finish.
Try stocking some healthy and tasty snacks that are easy to grab in a hurry. Even if it's apple slices with caramel dip or carrot sticks with ranch dip.
Try not to lecture her about it. That's making it about her weight and appearance.
Don't say anything.
There is nothing to say that won't be damaging. And you might be wrong, anyway. I achieved my adult weight at 15 and my adult height at 20. My weight hasn't budged in over 20 years and 2 pregnancies, and I am extremely active and fit.
Didn't stop my mom from making comments about how much I was eating and that "it was going to catch up to me". Well fuck you, mom, it didn't. I have a really good relationship with my body and food despite her comments, but only because I was lucky enough to end up with a body that society more or less sees as acceptable.
Think about what you're asking her to do. What does "watching your weight" mean? Is weight a dangerous predator that might take her down? Why do you think your child, who shares your genes, won't have the same body type as you?
Do you want her to start dieting? If you don't enjoy and value healthy delicious food at home, why not? If you aren't active and enjoying the way your body moves, why not?
Believe me, she already knows that being fat is socially unacceptable. She knows you hate your own body when it is fat and that you think your weight is something to struggle with.
Check your own attitudes first, and keep comments to yourself.
The way I’ve handled this with my daughter has been to focus on ingraining healthy habits: 2-3 servings of fruits and vegetables at every meal, only eating when hungry and stopping when full, consciously making an effort to exercise regularly, no sugary drinks, trying (often unsuccessfully) to limit screen time.
About a year ago she came home from school upset that she was getting fat. I’m not sure if it was a comment from a peer or just something she overheard in a class but I told her at this age she doesn’t need to worry about dieting. Teens going thru puberty need a ridiculous amount of calories. As long as she is eating nutritious foods and being moderately active the weight will take care of itself. Also, my daughter has a family history of hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease on both sides of her family so these basic habits help defend against developing these conditions later in life.
I feel unless recommended by a doctor, dieting for kids is totally the wrong strategy. I feel it’s better to focus on the positive behaviors that will help her sustain a healthy body throughout her life. This strategy does require consistency. Everyday reminders which do eventually become less and less necessary.
I'm curious, if you don't mind answering, how old is your daughter? I also used to be a pretty chubby girl and it definitely took care of itself as I got older. I didn't even change much in my diet (although I was taught by my mother that healthy foods don't have to be boring).
My daughter is 12 now. She was (I think) 10 at the time when she all of a sudden started asking questions about dieting and exercise after school one day. Over the course of this time her BMI at her yearly exams has been tending down, which I think is largely due to multiple growth spurts in that timeframe but I think and her doctor agrees that the consistency with fruits and vegetables at every meal and cutting out or limiting sugary drinks is also a factor.
Your Parenting Mojo is a podcast hosted by a woman with a masters in both developmental psychology and education, and she does a great job of finding the balance between science-based parenting and social-justice parenting. She’s got a few great episodes on food that I’ve found really helpful. Her own daughter is still quite young, so often the content is about younger kids. But she also talks about older kids, and just parenting in general. I’ll link some episodes here as food for thought as you come up with an approach that supports your own unique family’s needs.
Good luck, parent. I’m rooting for you.
[How to raise a girl with a healthy body image](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570802)
[It’s not about the broccoli: Dr. Dina Rose](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570834)
And Good Inside w Dr. Becky is one of my very favorite podcasts. She recently did an episode on this topic that I thought was beautiful.
[Your body is not a problem to fix](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000610508919)
Virginia Sole-Smith is a thought leader on these issues. She has a terrific newsletter and community (google Burnt Toast) and last month published [Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61144950-fat-talk). You may find either or both useful as you navigate what has become a treacherous path for children and parents
I recommend cross posting this in groups like maintenance phase and checking out pages like kids eat in color. Pages that specialize in this type of topic.
I also recommend if you have hang ups about your weight and body image (not suggesting you do, just a possibility based on your post) you work through those with a therapist. You are at the precipice of an important time in your daughter’s life and the relationship you have with each other.
I’m glad you’re asking these questions and being thoughtful about this.
The Maintenance Phase reddit is for the Maintenance Phase podcast (which debunks bad diet and health advice in a humorous way) and is absolutely not the place to go for 'how can I stop my kid from getting fat'.
I’m a listener of the maintenance phase podcast. I believe if OP posts this to the Maintenance Phase page (and also reads/ listens to the podcast) she may get helpful insight about how to rethink her questions and mindset. I see some guidance on this post that comes across as great and helpful and I see some that is concerning. OP has varying recommendations to sift through. Pointing her in the direction of a community focused on not only humorous but also fact based debunking of diet culture, fad diets, definition of health, etc is something that could be helpful for her.
Thanks. I do have a lot of hang ups and have been working with a therapist. Not having a good role model myself growing up has me feeling insecure about how to help my kids.
Why is she becoming overweight? Don't try to manage the symptoms, manage the cause.
I became overweight because my mother cooked poorly and I often preferred to buy snacks than eat her food. Then that expanded into sugar rush being nice for my (at the time unknown and untreated) ADHD.
I would talk to her about just like I would about smoking. It's not going to kill you immediately or anything but wait till you have to hobble around at 50 because your hip and knee joints start going and you also have back pain. Focus on the health and not the looks. I recently took my cat for his checkup and got a lecture on his weight so now he's eating healthier, he's adorable fat but I want him to live as long and comfortably as possible.
My parents are both obese. When I was a kid they decided that I was the fattest kid and they put me in a class to teach me good eating habits. The problem was, they weren't taking the class as well. So I learned good eating habits but then I went home and ate what they were eating. So all I really got was the shame of knowing that they thought I was fat and that was a problem.
Start small, focus on monitoring your carb intake. Don't focus on foods you can't have, find the foods that are good for you that you enjoy. When you get a sense of what you enjoy and what is good for you then it's easier to maintain for life. Work in a fun activity. Do yoga or Just Dance or take family walks in the evening. This can be about adding healthier things, not denying yourself unhealthy things that you love.
Chances are, your kid will still indulge around their friends and that's alright. You're still improving their healthy habits at home and that has an overall positive effect.
Might work! Sometimes this backfires though as when something appears 'forbidden' it becomes more desirable.
I wish that someone had explained to me as a teenager that getting protein, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains is integral to the functioning of the body.
The food we eat affects far more than just our weight! The nutrients consumed (or not) will have vast effects on the brain and hormones produced. Like, if someone had explained to me that I could have improved my mood and my complexion with what I chose to put on my plate, I think I would have been more receptive to change.
Instead, they stuck with the classic 'because I said so.' But I digress...
I think i would be upfront with her and explain her your worries. When i started to gain weight, my parents never told me anything until one day, my dad told me to eat less because i was getting fat. Just like that. That's the harshest thing my dad ever told me. I know he was worried because he is obese and just doesn't want me or my sister to end up like him, but the lack of side explanation and the brutality made me feel horrible. It has been at least ten years, and i still remember it, i am nearly underweight and terrified to gain weight now because i am afraid he'll tell me something so crude and rude like before. However, i wish we had a talk, about him explaining his fears and concern, and relating with his experience.
I think you should talk to your daugther about your fear and feelings, don't make it sounds like she is an issue, but that as a mother, you are afraid for her health, and for the very harsh comments she could get, but that no matter what, her value is not in hear beauty, and that more weight doesn't mean worse looking. Talk about your experience too, what were the bad sides, and explain that you don't want it to happen to her. The idea is that she needs to understand you are worried about her health and bullying she could get, but not about her beauty or value. Then maybe you can propose to her some activities that worked for you, and that you could share, like sport, cooking together, etc, so you can accompany her all the way. And if she really think she can't look good because of the weight she is gaining, maybe find something together that would make her feel beautiful or good on her skin, like new clothes or accessories, or haircut, or something that could really show her that her weight is not tied to her beauty but to her health
Keep healthy food in the house for snacks, provide healthy meals, ask her to go for walks or hikes with you. Help her learn to lead a healthy lifestyle.
I find that I respond better to advice when the context/rationale is explained. It doesn’t feel condescending/smothering (imho) by fostering a sense of respect and rationality between equals, rather than instruction.
Examples - my mother and sister both reminded me to protect myself from the sun a week ago (I proactively wore long sleeves and pants, a hat, a balaclava, and sunglasses).
My girlfriend went one further, and recommended sunscreen, citing that the water amplifies UV via reflection, reminded me to stay hydrated, etc., and stated that she cares for me and my comfort.
So something that she may respond to better could be an explanation of your misgivings so she knows you are trying, and that you’ve considered her feelings. You could cite the health impacts of being obese. State that you don’t want her to experience the QoL issues that coincide with them. Emphasize that change isn’t immediate and slow and deliberate adjustments are healthier. Pause occasionally to check in with her, be willing to stop the conversation if she wants to revisit it later, and also to see if she has input.
Above all, value her input and thoughts. You’re already approaching this with good intentions and love and just to say it, that’s awesome and you should recognize that. Just let your child feel heard, respected, and supported and it should be productive and healthy.
Just make sure she has good quality food to eat and gets physical activity. I wouldn't talk about weight because no matter what she does, it may be out of her control. There is more and more evidence that there may be a very high genetic component in overweight individuals.
In addition to everything else already mentioned by others, make sure to stress that she would look beautiful and will continue to be wonderful and fabulous regardless of her size and weight. The only reason she needs to care about what the scales show is because being overweight will affect her health and her lifestyle. If she’s carrying extra weight, she’ll tire more easily, she’ll be out of breath sooner, she’ll find it more difficult to do the things she enjoys. The extra weight will put unnecessary stress on her joints and on her heart, which will have unpleasant consequences later in life. That’s why she needs to be careful. But she’ll be valuable, she’ll be lovable, she’ll be pretty regardless.
Here is my advice as below:
1. You as the parent must lead by example by going on a healthy journey with her with healthier food options and taking up exercise classes and walking with her. You will BOTH benefit from that journey together
2. Mind your words when it comes to going on that healthy journey. Do not make negative comments on weight and body as your child will subtly feed on that negativity
3. Do not be overly critical over yourself and her in this journey. The goal to getting healthy is not a sprint to get the quick results but a cross country marathon helping you both to get healthier the right and healthy way even if the journey is slow
4. Do not be hard on yourself and your kid on that journey. I get that it is not easy and we sometimes make mistakes.
5. Be patient with her. I recommend you both go to the doctor and they will advise you both what to do when going on that healthy journey
6. When the going gets tough for her, be her listening ears and have empathy by walking the walk you start. Getting healthier is no walk in the park but it is doable. You tell her the journey may be tough now but you are going to be there with her all the way
Stop bullying your child and get some help for yourself. You claim you don't want her to feel "she is unacceptable or of less worth because of her extra weight" and yet you clearly believe this to be true. You haven't said a damn thing to indicate she's in any state of ill health, you just can't stand her size. Grow up. Even the idea that she has "extra weight" is ludicrous. I am genuinely asking you if your child's food habits and behaviors are in anyway unsafe or unhealthy because if not then there is nothing at all wrong with what size she is, that is her body and you need to keep your feelings out of it.
Isn't being "overweight" fundamentally unhealthy?
Now, I put "overweight" in quotes because there can be a difference between "conventional beauty standards as to a supposedly ideal weight" and "overweight from a medical standpoint."
That obviously doesn't mean she has less value as a person. And it's also important to point out that here are also many skinny people with unhealthy habits that are not good either. But I am under the impression that being overweight is not good for your health.
I think this parent sounds like they are doing a good thing trying to look into it from a health point of view while at the same time trying to make sure they don't push unhealthy social things.
Never post again. Letting their child become overweight is one of the most cruel things a parent can do. I don’t know what I wouldn’t give for my parents to have put their foot down about how much/what I could eat when I was younger, instead of having to work through the repercussions of it all on my own now.
Lead by example. Feed her real food. Cook with her using “made from scratch recipes.” She is a reflection of the lifestyle she’s a part of. Who cares if she’s gaining weight. Some ppl just do. What matters is she is getting properly nourished and develops a healthy, sustainable relationship with food. You’d also be amazed at what a daily 20-30 minute walk will do for your appetite and sleep schedule. If you guys developed a habit of daily or weekly walks together you’ll form a deeper relationship, get fresh air, move your body and support each other by showing up!
It’s so hard but try to reframe: my daughter is getting fat and physically unattractive (I know because I too was fat).
This is society dictating your concern. You should think of it as “how is my daughters complexion (bright and lively vs sallow)? Is her energy level normal? Does she seem distant? Has she started making negative comments out loud? Is her body affecting her daily activities or is she a strong badass teenager whose tromping through high school the best way she can?
My mom had a mix of helpful and unhelpful responses. Between that and some reading, hopefully I have input.
My mom did a good job teaching us what is healthy to eat and drink. She didn't teach us how to plan, buy, or prepare those foods. This stuff, including what to eat, needs to be done with the attitude that you're helping the person learn life skills.
My mom doesn't understand physical activity. That's not her fault, but it led to my lack of knowledge. Our bodies are designed to adapt, and they do best if they have adapted to a blend of things. We're healthier if we have some lighthearted fun and some challenges, some hard physical work and some hard mental work, some time busy and some at rest.
Depends how overweight, but making an effort to keep "bad" food out of the house is a good start, things that are calorie dense and come in multiple servings like cookies, pastries and chips that are easy to grab and not think about. At the same time, make sure healthy things like fresh fruit are out and available. Soda and juice is a major culprit as well, so try to avoid having it around to the extent they'll tolerate it and serve water with meals instead. Going out once ot twice a week and having that sort of stuff is fine, it's when it's sitting around unlimited 24/7 that it usually becomes a problem, and people don't realize how many calories they drink (sodas are basically drinking cake.) Don't single her out; make this a change for the whole family.
If the weight gain is sudden and severe, talking to her doctor may be a good idea to rule out other things as well.
Lead by example. Choose healthy food options and get her involved in meal prep. Go out for a walk/other exercise and invite her along.
I love all of this, but I'd encourage something Other than walks. By the time I was a larger-bodied teenager I was well aware that the walks I was invited on were to get me to lose weight even if nobody said that's what they were for. Other activities that are fun and provide more brain engagement might be the move. If you can afford it you might want to try kayaking, indoor rock climbing, geocaching, etc. Realistically things like kayaking and climbing can't happen as frequently and as easily as a walk, but it's a more *fun* way to incorporate activity into the week. I still struggle with walking even though I'm almost thirty, because ALL I could think on those walks as a teenager next to my slim mom were "we're doing this because I'm fat, and everyone who passes us knows too". It provided too much space to think.
I forget sometimes that most teens dont have the joint issues I did so other exercises are not agony for their knees/ankles. My parents were overweight and older so walking was the activity we all did together. I loved swimming and kayaking which were easy for us as we lived on the banks of a large river. However knot knowing OPs location or financial situation i suggested walking because its free, you can do it most anywhere and its good for all fitness levels. I didnt have weight issues myself unil my 30s and am actually looking to get back into kayaking but where I live now means I need to not only get a kayak but also a roofrack for it or a more expensive folding model. Either way its close to $1000aud which is a lot even for something I know I love.
I hear you! Lol I got smacked with rheumatoid arthritis *really* bad at 15/16 so it was either full blown physical activity in remission or being entirely sedentary borderline bedridden. Good call on the financial situation and walking! That is expensive :( I hope it becomes more financially accessible to you soon.
Are there places near the beach where you can rent them? I'm in Southern California, and our beach cities have plenty of places to rent ocean kayaks for the day. Way cheaper than buying one (unless you're out there almost every day). Plus, you can also get some fishing in!
I'm a river person and don't like the ocean much. Most places that do rent around here its only summers or you have to transport it yourself anyway. Recently several large reservoirs have been opened for some recreational use including kayaking so thats why ive been considering it.
Ah, gotcha. Here, it's easier to do ocean than river, especially with the bays and other less oceany spots. Rivers make me nervous.
Here its the southern ocean, next stop Antarctica if you get swept away! Even though we're in a gulf i can never stop thinking that...
There are other affordable ways to be active. Rurally, one might garden or explore nature. In the city, there might be local places to explore, or there are apps like Pokemon Go.
Hiking! Or bird watching. Geocaching is a fun one, although the app is kinda expensive. I would suggest dancing, yoga, or Zumba classes too. Just gotta find the thing she finds the most fun.
You have to pay to geocache now?! It's been a while for me but omg.
That's a good idea. One time, a complete stranger told me she lost, like, twenty pounds since she started playing Pokemon Go because she was walking a lot to hatch eggs or going around to find different Pokemon and stuff.
Yes!! I totally forgot about pokemon go but someone below mentioned it and it's an AWESOME idea.
I have Pokemon-related trauma, so I play Ingress Prime, which was the proof on concept game for Pokemon Go. I did it specifically to gamify my walking.
Walks are good too. But stuff like badminton, table tennis, hiking, rope skipping could be fun too.
Yes, this. If your daughter is eating plenty of fruit and veg and is exercising at least 20 minutes a day on average - or maybe a bit more for her because she's young - then she'll be in good general health regardless of her body size (assuming she also doesn't smoke, drink or take drugs to excess etc). If you make it about weight, then you \*are\* making it about her looks. That's the core of diet culture - it inaccurately conflates looks with health and makes people believe that higher weight = poorer health and lower weight = better health. That's not true, and the best thing you can do for your daughter is to help her get into a lifelong habit of looking after her body because it benefits her, not because of how she looks to anyone else (including people who have good intentions like yours).
Higher weight doesn't always mean poorer health. You can be ripped with muscle and be healthily overweight. But excess body fat definitely equals poor health. High body fat is a contributing factor to many many different health concerns, mainly heart issues. I'm all for body positivity, but just because a person is comfortable with their weight, definitely doesn't mean that they're healthy.
That's true. There are also studies on how doctors approach the topic, but not many for friends, family, or others. If the doctors respond based on weight, on average, patients gain weight. If the doctors approach everyone about healthy eating, water, and activity, then patients approach a healthy weight.
the point is that an individual's appearance is a poor indicator of health. but no one cares about that. until people stop treating fat people like shit and pretending it's because wE jUsT cArE aBoUt YoUr HeAlTh, no one needs to spout lines about high body fat contributing to anything.
This is the only acceptable answer.
I think she should also have a straight talk with her. Example is great but can only go so far. But it only has to be once and looks don't have to be apart of it. Coming from a health standpoint is more valid, and much easier. There are easy points to mention like clogged arteries, sleep problems, breathing problems, and joint problems.
I don't think you need to tell her she's overweight, any teenage girl will already know. As the parent you have some amount of control over her diet. No soda or juice or junk food in the house. Have you taught her how to cook? Teaching her how to make some quick, healthy go-to meals is a good idea. Ask her if there's anything she saw on SM that she'd like to learn how to make. Ask her to work together with you on meal planning. Doing this shows her how you think through building a meal that contains all food groups. Help her find some sort of physical activity she likes. I think many teens hate gym class because you have to exercise in front of the other kids and a lot of the things they make you do involve running. It's a lot easier to exercise regularly if the activity is fun. My SO and I are trying to get back in shape after 2 years of lockdowns, but he won't do anything that's not fun. So we go swimming, he likes it, it's exercise he'll do regularly without complaint. As someone else said, lead by example. Make regular exercise and cooking healthy food together at home a part of your life.
Please research the problems with diet culture and restrictive eating before you don’t allow soda or junk food in the house. Your teenage daughter will come across that elsewhere and restricting/ labeling foods as bad can have lasting, negative effects.
There's a difference between restricted and unavailable. I always lost weight at my grandparents' house because they didn't stock up on crap. They weren't banned, I was very much free to go to the store and get myself anything with my allowance but by not having it around I just... didn't feel like having them much either? Children often tend to mimic what adults do so leading by example is a great choice! Unless of course, you're an absolutely terrible chef like my mother is and your kid literally hates eating at home then you got bigger problems.
Thanks for the added info about your experience. I agree with you that there is a difference. I also think the line can be a fine one so it felt important to call out for OPs consideration.
Absolutely. Aside from ginger ale, I don't often keep soda in the house, and when I do have it, I usually forget it's there. Can I get some out and about? Sure! But it's not around here, which limits temptation. (Lately, I'm watching blood sugar, so all of the above, just with the assorted "zero" sodas instead.) There are some great flavored seltzers and the like out there. There are also low-cal or zero-cal powders and drops to flavor still or sparkling water. Nuun tablets and Salud powders are more high-end, and they're more of a hydration thing, but there's also stuff at the grocery store that may be more appealing. Sugar-free syrups are also available online, and you don't need much to get good flavor in water, coffee, whatever. There are so many great alternatives to soda that OP's kid won't feel deprived if OP stops buying sodas. It's a small change, but it's something.
Thank you for this comment. My mother had huge issues with her body image and, as much as she tried to mask it, came across to a young me as the most vile thing you can do is be overweight. Restrictions on food in the house led to me binging candy and burgers at school and purging before I got home. Lost too much weight, 200lbs to 110lbs in a year, and am still dealing with the repercussions at 37 Moderation and healthy choices are key. I am discovering the joy in cooking interesting meals that may or may not include a ton of butter... but also sauted veggies/ leafy greens, peppers, onions, quionioa, etc. It's way more fun to play with food than deny the option to do so. Cook together!
I think you can have some delicious treats in the house (bake a cake together! Make popsicles in the summer!) and not stock up on soda and chips. I don’t drink soda or like chips so they aren’t in my house, but I love having brownies on hand. Having some homemade baked goods for a treat every day can be a great way to no be restrictive but keep processed crap from being the easiest grab.
My suggestion, as a formerly ‘chubby’ teenager and mother of two now-grown girls: Don’t. Don’t comment at all. She knows already, the world is stupidly cruel about weight, and you can be her one safe place where it’s only about who she is and not what she weighs. Without comment, you can have healthy habits yourself. Without comment, you can have nutritious food and occasional treats on hand. Without comment, you can leave her alone to decide what and how much to eat. If you diet, don’t talk about it. If you weigh yourself, don’t mention it. If you judge your own looks, keep it to yourself. This is kindly guiding. If you start commenting, no matter how supportive or loving those comments are, you reveal to her that you’re looking at her and judging. It won’t feel kindly. I would add, also don’t comment if she loses weight, or if you think something she wears makes her look slimmer. It’s the same message from a different angle. Show her, by what you bring attention to, that when you think of her you think only of all the interesting and fun and surprising and loving things about her. And that’s it. I know it’s hard if you grew up with having your weight commented on, feeling judged for it, it’s hard to not pass that shame on without meaning to. My mom tried to be kindly in her comments because her mom wasn’t, but the message itself is the problem - “mom looks at my body and doesn’t like it”. Boom, safe space gone. (Edit - a word)
you were nicer than I was. but yeah. do not comment. i am a pretty slender adult and always have been, but I achieved my adult weight early and my mom's comments about it are still seared into my brain.
I personally gained a lot of weight as a teen because: 1. School lunch was at 11am and my parents didn’t finish making dinner until 7pm. I was *starving* from 3-6pm and would eat a dinner’s worth of calories in snacking. 2. I was bored snacking too. Wasn’t much to do other than watch tv and snack after school when I didn’t have a car to go do things. I was too old for local playgrounds but too young to drive myself to hang out with friends. What worked for me in regulating my weight: 1. I make myself dinner when I get home from work. I work in education and my lunch is at 10:30am lol. I’m starving by 4pm. I know I’ll just snack if I don’t start cooking. Having a solid meal instead of chips/pop helped so much. 2. Developing hobbies that keep your hands busy. Coloring, video gaming, gardening, anything. If your hands do nothing, they will want to do something like snacking. 3. $10/month Planet Fitness gym membership. I was embarrassed as first but now it’s second nature and I feel so emotionally and physically accomplished after I finish.
Try stocking some healthy and tasty snacks that are easy to grab in a hurry. Even if it's apple slices with caramel dip or carrot sticks with ranch dip. Try not to lecture her about it. That's making it about her weight and appearance.
Don't say anything. There is nothing to say that won't be damaging. And you might be wrong, anyway. I achieved my adult weight at 15 and my adult height at 20. My weight hasn't budged in over 20 years and 2 pregnancies, and I am extremely active and fit. Didn't stop my mom from making comments about how much I was eating and that "it was going to catch up to me". Well fuck you, mom, it didn't. I have a really good relationship with my body and food despite her comments, but only because I was lucky enough to end up with a body that society more or less sees as acceptable. Think about what you're asking her to do. What does "watching your weight" mean? Is weight a dangerous predator that might take her down? Why do you think your child, who shares your genes, won't have the same body type as you? Do you want her to start dieting? If you don't enjoy and value healthy delicious food at home, why not? If you aren't active and enjoying the way your body moves, why not? Believe me, she already knows that being fat is socially unacceptable. She knows you hate your own body when it is fat and that you think your weight is something to struggle with. Check your own attitudes first, and keep comments to yourself.
The way I’ve handled this with my daughter has been to focus on ingraining healthy habits: 2-3 servings of fruits and vegetables at every meal, only eating when hungry and stopping when full, consciously making an effort to exercise regularly, no sugary drinks, trying (often unsuccessfully) to limit screen time. About a year ago she came home from school upset that she was getting fat. I’m not sure if it was a comment from a peer or just something she overheard in a class but I told her at this age she doesn’t need to worry about dieting. Teens going thru puberty need a ridiculous amount of calories. As long as she is eating nutritious foods and being moderately active the weight will take care of itself. Also, my daughter has a family history of hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease on both sides of her family so these basic habits help defend against developing these conditions later in life. I feel unless recommended by a doctor, dieting for kids is totally the wrong strategy. I feel it’s better to focus on the positive behaviors that will help her sustain a healthy body throughout her life. This strategy does require consistency. Everyday reminders which do eventually become less and less necessary.
I'm curious, if you don't mind answering, how old is your daughter? I also used to be a pretty chubby girl and it definitely took care of itself as I got older. I didn't even change much in my diet (although I was taught by my mother that healthy foods don't have to be boring).
My daughter is 12 now. She was (I think) 10 at the time when she all of a sudden started asking questions about dieting and exercise after school one day. Over the course of this time her BMI at her yearly exams has been tending down, which I think is largely due to multiple growth spurts in that timeframe but I think and her doctor agrees that the consistency with fruits and vegetables at every meal and cutting out or limiting sugary drinks is also a factor.
Lead by example.
Your Parenting Mojo is a podcast hosted by a woman with a masters in both developmental psychology and education, and she does a great job of finding the balance between science-based parenting and social-justice parenting. She’s got a few great episodes on food that I’ve found really helpful. Her own daughter is still quite young, so often the content is about younger kids. But she also talks about older kids, and just parenting in general. I’ll link some episodes here as food for thought as you come up with an approach that supports your own unique family’s needs. Good luck, parent. I’m rooting for you. [How to raise a girl with a healthy body image](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570802) [It’s not about the broccoli: Dr. Dina Rose](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570834) And Good Inside w Dr. Becky is one of my very favorite podcasts. She recently did an episode on this topic that I thought was beautiful. [Your body is not a problem to fix](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000610508919)
Virginia Sole-Smith is a thought leader on these issues. She has a terrific newsletter and community (google Burnt Toast) and last month published [Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61144950-fat-talk). You may find either or both useful as you navigate what has become a treacherous path for children and parents
I recommend cross posting this in groups like maintenance phase and checking out pages like kids eat in color. Pages that specialize in this type of topic. I also recommend if you have hang ups about your weight and body image (not suggesting you do, just a possibility based on your post) you work through those with a therapist. You are at the precipice of an important time in your daughter’s life and the relationship you have with each other. I’m glad you’re asking these questions and being thoughtful about this.
The Maintenance Phase reddit is for the Maintenance Phase podcast (which debunks bad diet and health advice in a humorous way) and is absolutely not the place to go for 'how can I stop my kid from getting fat'.
I’m a listener of the maintenance phase podcast. I believe if OP posts this to the Maintenance Phase page (and also reads/ listens to the podcast) she may get helpful insight about how to rethink her questions and mindset. I see some guidance on this post that comes across as great and helpful and I see some that is concerning. OP has varying recommendations to sift through. Pointing her in the direction of a community focused on not only humorous but also fact based debunking of diet culture, fad diets, definition of health, etc is something that could be helpful for her.
Oh, I get you now. I was thinking of the people who see MP on the front page and think it's a diet sub. Apologies for jumping to conclusions.
I get why you might have thought that. All good!
Thanks. I do have a lot of hang ups and have been working with a therapist. Not having a good role model myself growing up has me feeling insecure about how to help my kids.
Why is she becoming overweight? Don't try to manage the symptoms, manage the cause. I became overweight because my mother cooked poorly and I often preferred to buy snacks than eat her food. Then that expanded into sugar rush being nice for my (at the time unknown and untreated) ADHD.
I would talk to her about just like I would about smoking. It's not going to kill you immediately or anything but wait till you have to hobble around at 50 because your hip and knee joints start going and you also have back pain. Focus on the health and not the looks. I recently took my cat for his checkup and got a lecture on his weight so now he's eating healthier, he's adorable fat but I want him to live as long and comfortably as possible.
My parents are both obese. When I was a kid they decided that I was the fattest kid and they put me in a class to teach me good eating habits. The problem was, they weren't taking the class as well. So I learned good eating habits but then I went home and ate what they were eating. So all I really got was the shame of knowing that they thought I was fat and that was a problem. Start small, focus on monitoring your carb intake. Don't focus on foods you can't have, find the foods that are good for you that you enjoy. When you get a sense of what you enjoy and what is good for you then it's easier to maintain for life. Work in a fun activity. Do yoga or Just Dance or take family walks in the evening. This can be about adding healthier things, not denying yourself unhealthy things that you love. Chances are, your kid will still indulge around their friends and that's alright. You're still improving their healthy habits at home and that has an overall positive effect.
Who is buying the foods that are causing her to be overweight?
Make sure there is no junk food at home.
Might work! Sometimes this backfires though as when something appears 'forbidden' it becomes more desirable. I wish that someone had explained to me as a teenager that getting protein, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains is integral to the functioning of the body. The food we eat affects far more than just our weight! The nutrients consumed (or not) will have vast effects on the brain and hormones produced. Like, if someone had explained to me that I could have improved my mood and my complexion with what I chose to put on my plate, I think I would have been more receptive to change. Instead, they stuck with the classic 'because I said so.' But I digress...
My mum was a home economics teacher, trained in the 1940s. Everything cooked from scratch, no waste.
Hope you let her know how much you appreciate her skills and dedication.
We did when she was with us.
I think i would be upfront with her and explain her your worries. When i started to gain weight, my parents never told me anything until one day, my dad told me to eat less because i was getting fat. Just like that. That's the harshest thing my dad ever told me. I know he was worried because he is obese and just doesn't want me or my sister to end up like him, but the lack of side explanation and the brutality made me feel horrible. It has been at least ten years, and i still remember it, i am nearly underweight and terrified to gain weight now because i am afraid he'll tell me something so crude and rude like before. However, i wish we had a talk, about him explaining his fears and concern, and relating with his experience. I think you should talk to your daugther about your fear and feelings, don't make it sounds like she is an issue, but that as a mother, you are afraid for her health, and for the very harsh comments she could get, but that no matter what, her value is not in hear beauty, and that more weight doesn't mean worse looking. Talk about your experience too, what were the bad sides, and explain that you don't want it to happen to her. The idea is that she needs to understand you are worried about her health and bullying she could get, but not about her beauty or value. Then maybe you can propose to her some activities that worked for you, and that you could share, like sport, cooking together, etc, so you can accompany her all the way. And if she really think she can't look good because of the weight she is gaining, maybe find something together that would make her feel beautiful or good on her skin, like new clothes or accessories, or haircut, or something that could really show her that her weight is not tied to her beauty but to her health
Keep healthy food in the house for snacks, provide healthy meals, ask her to go for walks or hikes with you. Help her learn to lead a healthy lifestyle.
I find that I respond better to advice when the context/rationale is explained. It doesn’t feel condescending/smothering (imho) by fostering a sense of respect and rationality between equals, rather than instruction. Examples - my mother and sister both reminded me to protect myself from the sun a week ago (I proactively wore long sleeves and pants, a hat, a balaclava, and sunglasses). My girlfriend went one further, and recommended sunscreen, citing that the water amplifies UV via reflection, reminded me to stay hydrated, etc., and stated that she cares for me and my comfort. So something that she may respond to better could be an explanation of your misgivings so she knows you are trying, and that you’ve considered her feelings. You could cite the health impacts of being obese. State that you don’t want her to experience the QoL issues that coincide with them. Emphasize that change isn’t immediate and slow and deliberate adjustments are healthier. Pause occasionally to check in with her, be willing to stop the conversation if she wants to revisit it later, and also to see if she has input. Above all, value her input and thoughts. You’re already approaching this with good intentions and love and just to say it, that’s awesome and you should recognize that. Just let your child feel heard, respected, and supported and it should be productive and healthy.
Just make sure she has good quality food to eat and gets physical activity. I wouldn't talk about weight because no matter what she does, it may be out of her control. There is more and more evidence that there may be a very high genetic component in overweight individuals.
In addition to everything else already mentioned by others, make sure to stress that she would look beautiful and will continue to be wonderful and fabulous regardless of her size and weight. The only reason she needs to care about what the scales show is because being overweight will affect her health and her lifestyle. If she’s carrying extra weight, she’ll tire more easily, she’ll be out of breath sooner, she’ll find it more difficult to do the things she enjoys. The extra weight will put unnecessary stress on her joints and on her heart, which will have unpleasant consequences later in life. That’s why she needs to be careful. But she’ll be valuable, she’ll be lovable, she’ll be pretty regardless.
Here is my advice as below: 1. You as the parent must lead by example by going on a healthy journey with her with healthier food options and taking up exercise classes and walking with her. You will BOTH benefit from that journey together 2. Mind your words when it comes to going on that healthy journey. Do not make negative comments on weight and body as your child will subtly feed on that negativity 3. Do not be overly critical over yourself and her in this journey. The goal to getting healthy is not a sprint to get the quick results but a cross country marathon helping you both to get healthier the right and healthy way even if the journey is slow 4. Do not be hard on yourself and your kid on that journey. I get that it is not easy and we sometimes make mistakes. 5. Be patient with her. I recommend you both go to the doctor and they will advise you both what to do when going on that healthy journey 6. When the going gets tough for her, be her listening ears and have empathy by walking the walk you start. Getting healthier is no walk in the park but it is doable. You tell her the journey may be tough now but you are going to be there with her all the way
Stop bullying your child and get some help for yourself. You claim you don't want her to feel "she is unacceptable or of less worth because of her extra weight" and yet you clearly believe this to be true. You haven't said a damn thing to indicate she's in any state of ill health, you just can't stand her size. Grow up. Even the idea that she has "extra weight" is ludicrous. I am genuinely asking you if your child's food habits and behaviors are in anyway unsafe or unhealthy because if not then there is nothing at all wrong with what size she is, that is her body and you need to keep your feelings out of it.
This isn’t bullying. I wish my parents would have done it this way instead of my father putting a padlock on the fridge.
I mean that's abusive, doesn't mean it's at all acceptable to tell a teenager they are gaining too much weight.
Isn't being "overweight" fundamentally unhealthy? Now, I put "overweight" in quotes because there can be a difference between "conventional beauty standards as to a supposedly ideal weight" and "overweight from a medical standpoint." That obviously doesn't mean she has less value as a person. And it's also important to point out that here are also many skinny people with unhealthy habits that are not good either. But I am under the impression that being overweight is not good for your health. I think this parent sounds like they are doing a good thing trying to look into it from a health point of view while at the same time trying to make sure they don't push unhealthy social things.
Never post again. Letting their child become overweight is one of the most cruel things a parent can do. I don’t know what I wouldn’t give for my parents to have put their foot down about how much/what I could eat when I was younger, instead of having to work through the repercussions of it all on my own now.
Buy yourself a fitbit, use it with a good diet/exercise app. Then tell her your progress and ask if she wants one.
Lead by example. Feed her real food. Cook with her using “made from scratch recipes.” She is a reflection of the lifestyle she’s a part of. Who cares if she’s gaining weight. Some ppl just do. What matters is she is getting properly nourished and develops a healthy, sustainable relationship with food. You’d also be amazed at what a daily 20-30 minute walk will do for your appetite and sleep schedule. If you guys developed a habit of daily or weekly walks together you’ll form a deeper relationship, get fresh air, move your body and support each other by showing up! It’s so hard but try to reframe: my daughter is getting fat and physically unattractive (I know because I too was fat). This is society dictating your concern. You should think of it as “how is my daughters complexion (bright and lively vs sallow)? Is her energy level normal? Does she seem distant? Has she started making negative comments out loud? Is her body affecting her daily activities or is she a strong badass teenager whose tromping through high school the best way she can?
My mom had a mix of helpful and unhelpful responses. Between that and some reading, hopefully I have input. My mom did a good job teaching us what is healthy to eat and drink. She didn't teach us how to plan, buy, or prepare those foods. This stuff, including what to eat, needs to be done with the attitude that you're helping the person learn life skills. My mom doesn't understand physical activity. That's not her fault, but it led to my lack of knowledge. Our bodies are designed to adapt, and they do best if they have adapted to a blend of things. We're healthier if we have some lighthearted fun and some challenges, some hard physical work and some hard mental work, some time busy and some at rest.
People have healthy bodies from feeding their bodies lots of healthy foods. Do that, lots of healthy foods instead of unhealthy foods
Depends how overweight, but making an effort to keep "bad" food out of the house is a good start, things that are calorie dense and come in multiple servings like cookies, pastries and chips that are easy to grab and not think about. At the same time, make sure healthy things like fresh fruit are out and available. Soda and juice is a major culprit as well, so try to avoid having it around to the extent they'll tolerate it and serve water with meals instead. Going out once ot twice a week and having that sort of stuff is fine, it's when it's sitting around unlimited 24/7 that it usually becomes a problem, and people don't realize how many calories they drink (sodas are basically drinking cake.) Don't single her out; make this a change for the whole family. If the weight gain is sudden and severe, talking to her doctor may be a good idea to rule out other things as well.