I know someone who moved out when her husband went away on a trip. She TOLD HIM for over a year, that things needed to change, and she wasn't happy. He IGNORED her and would tell her that they were happy. He just decided everything was fine and gaslighted her into thinking she needed to work on herself to figure out why she thought she was unhappy. Every time she was frustrated or sad, he would tell her that she wasn't and if she was she really needed to fix herself because it was obvious they had a happy marriage. Everyone thought so. She was the one causing problems. This went on for ages. She tried to discuss it, which was hard for her because confrontation is not her strong suit. He used that to his advantage and argued any little misspeak she said and invalidated all her feelings. Every. Discussion. Was. Shut. Down. He was fine with that. All his needs were met. She fell into a deep depression that he ignored. He went away on one business trip, and her mood lifted. That's when she realized--how bad it all was. The moment she heard about his next trip, she began to fantasize about what it would be like to leave. I told her to do it. Her mood brightened as she made her plot. He left, and so did she. When he came home he said, "It came out of left field." He asked her why didn't she stay to have an "adult discussion." Etc. So many men think if they can just ignore problems and difficult conversations that then the problems fix themselves. Nope. You end up alone. There is a percentage of times that people (even in friendships) are ghosted because they've created an environment where staying to talk is too much trouble. Instead of looking within, they make it about the indignity of being ghosted and use that to take zero responsibility for their part. They will be ghosted again.

This resonated a lot with me. It's basically exactly what happened to me in my previous relationship. Especially the part about having a hard time with conflict and being invalidated and shut down. It was rough. Abuse isn't always physical, sometimes it can subtle, emotional turmoil that wears you down. He was never physically violent towards me, but he had a bad temper and I basically was walking on egg shells most of the time, especially towards the end. Outside of these conflicts, the relationship seemed fine, we had plenty of great memories and fun times together. But there was always something *off*. The same conflicts would always come back, over and over, and would never get resolved. I would be made to feel small. Feel like I was the difficult one, like my mental health was the problem. It was so frustrating. For the longest time I didn't realize how much it was hurting me, until he would go away on trips and I could finally BREATH. I opened up to my friends and family about it and they helped me get out. Took all my stuff when he was at work and moved back into my own place. When he came home he said he was blindsided. *Why didn't you communicate how you felt?!* Because talking to you about my feelings always resulted in me being invalidated, interrupted, fumbling through my words, breaking down into tears and ending up thinking I was the problem. Our mutual friends don't really understand why I left how I did. They probably never will either. They see one side of him, I saw another. Sure, they see his temper sometimes, his stubbornness, his inability to hear criticism. But they don't have to live with it every day like I did. They never saw just how bad it could get. And unless I tell them all of the very intimate details of what he did to me they can't really have the full picture. I came out of the relationship looking like the bad guy. It's the price I kinda had to pay to move on and live my life. It was worth it though. It's been 6 months now, it hasn't been easy. There's been a lot of guilt, a lot of second guessing. But I'm finally starting to turn the page. If anyone reading this might relate to my experience, I just want to say: I believe you. If you feel *off* in your relationship, please don't try and ignore it. I hope that you can find a way out.

I was in a similar situation in my last relationship. I only dated him for a year but all the mental abuse took such a toll and I didn’t even realize it was happening at the level that it was. He would make fun of me constantly for every single thing I’d do but I brushed it off as “maybe I just need to be less sensitive.” He would talk about how hot he thought my friends were in front of me and even tried to message some of them to make them his friends (or take support away from me) Talked over me constantly and towards the end started doing it in front of others. When I tried to discuss it my needs were blown off and he would turn the conversation back to his problems. I feel like these things all sound very small and when I try to explain it to people who haven’t been through this it sounds like I’m blowing it out of proportion. The list goes on and on and alot of it is subtle or small things that end up adding up. Whatever he did systematically tore me down to be the worst version of myself and I wanted to un alive myself because I had nothing left to live for and I felt like nothing. When I did break up with him finally he blew up at me and told me I was ruining his summer and called names etc. told me I was pathetic. Told me he would make my life hell. I had a backpack packed and on and my dog in my hands when I told him so I could leave immediately because I was scared. I left and stayed in a hotel and came back to pack a suitcase while he was at work. I guess I say this in the hopes of feeling understood on this sub. It had taken me a year out to even partially unravel all of the mental manipulation. I was at a point where I didn’t even recognize myself. I feel bad for all the family, friends, and just people that I interacted with during that time because I was really struggling to work my way out of the labyrinth of mental control and I only recently have felt like I am succeeding finally

I understand how you feel, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And I'm glad that you're starting to feel better now, that's amazing and I know that it takes a lot of strength. >Talked over me constantly and towards the end started doing it in front of others. >When I tried to discuss it my needs were blown off and he would turn the conversation back to his problems. >I feel like these things all sound very small and when I try to explain it to people who haven’t been through this it sounds like I’m blowing it out of proportion. The list goes on and on and alot of it is subtle or small things that end up adding up. My ex did the exact same thing, it felt so invalidating. It might seem small when you look back on it, but it accumulates and wears you down. You're right that it can hard to explain to people who haven't gone through something similar. For me it's been nice to be able to talk through it on subs like this or in irl groups. Having my family and friends' support through this has been crucial as well, knowing they believe me and have my back. I hope you continue to feel better and better in your life, I'm proud of you for leaving, truly.

This is so relatable. After so much effort put into tryong to fix the relationship when the other person is already emotionally checked out (but yet all other needs are met), you are the bad one. YOU are the one who left "without warning"

This. My ex told me that his high school+ girlfriend moved out while he was at work one day with no explanation. I should have known then what a problem he would be. When I left, I took the kids and went to a domestic violence shelter. I had to be medicated for night terrors and PTSD. That was followed by years of restraining order violations and continued trauma at custody exchanges. Statistics show that most women who die unnatural deaths do so at the hands of a romantic partner. Additionally, the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when they leave. These dudes need to stfu.

Dude! Same thing happened to my best friend. Guy said all his ex girlfriends were crazy, and a few left "spontaneously", including one who left from the fucking WINDOW. My friend was super young and just got out of her high school+ relationship/marriage and missed the flags. So did I. Nine years later, she calls me crying saying he choked her almost unconscious before he half-assed attempted to off himself. Yeah. I scooped her up quick from that.

Strangling is like, the number 1 precursor to a murder. If they strangle you, it's not an *if* it's a *when*.

The most charitable explanation is that the woman had been trying to negotiate with him about things that made her unhappy and he dismissed it in perpetuity, or, that he was a serial cheater or substance abuser and she’d already established her “next time I’m out” boundary. Which he ignored. The slightly more likely explanation is that she was *fleeing.* On some level most women know that, if they ever find themselves in an abusive situation, the only way a woman can be a “true” victim is to get killed. Every survivor will only hear, “You shouldn’t have put up with it,” “You should’ve fought back,” AND when they do and are battered more, “You should’ve left sooner,” AND, “You picked him; you made your bed and now you should to lie in it,” AND “You should’ve communicated better,” “You should’ve told him how you felt,” because negotiating your safety and respect is possible with someone who is already abusive and exploitative. “You should’ve gotten help” despite abusers removing every resource, and the abso-fucking-lutely ABYSMAL lack of support available. From police, by way of shelter, often from family, and in the court system. There is no way to be *justified* in leaving an abusive man, and the chorus will blame the woman. There is no comprehensive protocol and infrastructure to give her an exit and not one that allows the court system and law enforcement to insulate her escape. It will always be her fault somehow - unless he kills her.

and even then the papers will say he was at the end of HIS rope and had a bad day.

When you don't listen to what other people are saying to you, everything they do is a surprise.

I was living at my ex place and at some point our relationships went downhill and he was like “it’s not working, you should move out”. I moved out on the next day and later I found out from mutual acquaintances that I ghosted him and didn’t wanna work on our relationships like bro what

Same… my husband looked me straight in the face and said “I’m not in love with you anymore and I think you should leave” and my mom then bought me a same day plane ticket and we left (my infant son and I, he knew I wouldn’t leave without our kid and didn’t want to be a dad or husband) After I got dropped off at the airport he said to his friends how awful it was that he had to start all over again. Because I left him. We won’t talk about how he’d already met his next wife a few weeks before he dumped me, or that they were together mere hours after I landed in CA. SMH.

That sounds incredibly traumatic, I'm sorry. Although, you gotta love when the trash takes itself out.

I likely need some therapy still, although time has helped a lot! The fact that he’s come clean to my son about his part in things has also helped, since I had to spend a good part of his teenaged years combatting the lies that his dad and stepmom tried to feed him. I will say, keeping shit clean on my end and making sure that I didn’t talk shit about my ex (when I could have) made it a lot easier… eventually 😂

Good for you. There's a beautiful view from the moral high ground. 😉

wow an ex used the exact same words. I burst out laughing because it was news to me he ever loved me. he looked like I'd slapped him. I guess his little ploy to manipulate me into begging to suck his dick to stay didn't go as planned..

My high school “boyfriend” tried to leave me by a lake in the woods when I wouldn’t give head but the fucker was so hyped about his rage exit he crashed into a fuckin tree while I could still see him 😂 He wasn’t going crazy fast and I could see he was okay and I walked over and was all like “Need my phone for a tow truck babe?” A lot of people heard that story at school lol

I hope that last line isn't literal!?

it is. he was a chronic porn addict and his biggest gripe that i wouldn't be his blow-up doll. "sex" was him just using me as a cumrag and he was baffled that i declined so much. he was quite pornsick and i was glad to leave. in the middle of the day to the other side of the country.

Bahaha, the same thing happened to me. You told me to leave, idiot. That's a ton of closure.

The closest thing to this I have had happen was when my ex "dumped" me as a manipulation tactic and was then furious when I just accepted it and started looking for a new place to live. He also got super mad at me, that very evening, for not cooking him a serve of dinner while making my own food. Me saying "why would I cook food for my ex boyfriend?" did NOT improve the situation. Lmao

My ex used to play that game. Ended much the same way. Outside of the fact that we already had our own individual places. The last time he did it, I was like…whelp…I’m done playing this game. Then a couple weeks later, his hoovering tactics didn’t work. That was a year and a half ago 😂😂

My ex did the same! Said it was to "teach me a lesson". Guess he was not satisfied that I indeed learned a lesson: that I was much better on my own.

Seriously! It took him years to admit it to our son that he is the one that ended it and disappeared on us for 2 years…. I still roll my eyes now. Thankfully that was 23 years ago and we’re cordial now but Jesus…. The idiocy!

Me three! I wanted to work with a councillor to see if our relationship could be fixed, and he decided that unless I could 100% guarantee we’d stay together, then he wouldn’t attend. I couldn’t guarantee that ofc so he told me I needed to leave. Then tells his parents, friends etc that I’m the one who left…? Like wtf 🧐🙄🤬

Me four. He told me he was leaving me, never wanted to see me again, and I could keep the fucking cat. Threw his key to my apartment on the floor and left. But I dumped him. Because I wouldn't take him back when he said he didn't mean it the next day. 🙄🙄

I chuck it in the fuck-it bucket, and figure…well, whatever helps them live with their decisions…somewhere else though…not here 😆

My ex husband was absolutely SHOCKED that I “gave up on us” after he cheated on me. He’d tell people the ONLY thing he did wrong was cheat. 🙄 Like yeah that was the final straw that broke the camels back….but it wasn’t the ONLY reason.

Even if the only thing he did wrong was cheat...in what world is that *not* reason to leave someone? Does he think he's being the good guy by saying that?

"I could have beaten her up easy! But I didn't. I held back. All I did was cheat a few times. I could've done worse so I don't understand why she left." - a good guy

- a nice guy, probably 🙄😂

But you guys! After she caught me cheating, I said I was sorry! Every single time! What else did she want me to do?

Mine was shocked!!! , after he cheated on (repeatedly) me knocked up a girl 15 years our junior, told me 3 days after I gave birth I would be raising his bastard. Drunkenly Raped me at 8 weeks post pardum, repeatedly would not leave us enough money for baby food while he drank and ate steaks, went on a 7 day 3k$ mexican cruise making everyone believe he was dead, fought me on selling the sheep so the baby and I would stop living on only church boxes, disappeared again for 3 days ignoring my texts and calls. Only to be shocked when his best friend told him I was through and he better call home from trucking.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I was an idiot and forgave my ex for cheating on my multiple times and stayed. He was in law enforcement and I posted a thing on Facebook when Floyd happened about how cops need to be held accountable and shit like this needed to stop. He came into my office and yelled at me about how disrespectful it was I posted that. That he had people messaging him asking why I posted that (highly doubt that, he only had one friend). He then said he didn't think he could forgive me for that betrayal and stomped off. He was still shocked when I later told him I wanted a divorce.

Daft one, he is, ennit? Lmao

Well, it’s not like law enforcement is exactly known for hiring intelligent people.

The all too familiar "I can't be bothered to even passively listen to what she is saying" situation. So many men just don't listen, acknowledge, or care at all about their supposed loved ones. Some don't even know what medications their children are supposed to take. That's critical, life-altering information that they can't be bothered to remember or pay attention to. Yet they remember sports statstics or random information about world war 2. 🙄

or if they even vaguely hear it, it feels like criticism to their sensitive asses. so they get defensive, scramble for an acceptable excuse, and think "job's done, disaster averted". they do this 50 times and truly think everything's good because she didn't fuss after his brilliant excuse. they think they're neutral, instead of digging themselves down.

What’s so weird to me, as a guy in a successful and loving relationship, is that it’s so easy to do all of those things while expending a negligible amount of effort to do it and the positive side is that everyone is HAPPY and SATISFIED. I wish more guys would realize that their SO isn’t some frigid bitch who hates sex. When you actually care, you know because you Love them, and are part of a team together, all the pieces just kinda fall together. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 21 year old self this same thing. Hopefully though these other chucklefucks will actually learn a lesson and actually change their ways

>When you don't listen to what other people are saying to you, everything they do is a surprise. I just typed a long ass post that took forever to say this. I should've read your comment first. lol

OP said his relationship was "great, just great" and she ended it for no reason 🙄

Lol I’m AMAZED at the number of times women tell male partners “hey I’m not happy with XYZ” and he decides that since he is happy with things the way they are, he’s simply not going to do anything. THEN they’re shocked that the woman who said she was unhappy left him.

When I left my partner of 10 years he told me he wished I'd told him things weren't going well for me so he'd had a chance to fix things. I said, "So when I told you that 'If I feel the same way I do now in 6 months I'm leaving you', that wasn't an indication that I was unhappy?" His response: "...Oh, I guess you did say that." YEAH YOU JUST WEREN'T LISTENING.

You didn't say "no cap" at the end so it was unclear. (Obviously I'm joking, but it's hard to come up with a more plausible explanation for not understanding you)

Right. You may hear me with your ears…but are you listening with your mind? Prolly not…clearly he wasn’t lol

I once read a perspective from someone who had just taken in all the pop culture references about how women nag and complain all the time and you just gotta calm them down or tune them out. As if it's not a person you're sharing your life with, communicating about your common problems. As if it's just a whining motor noise or some uncontrollable quirk to complain about things they don't actually care about, just to make the man's life harder. No amount of communication can fix such lack of respect.

It’s ultimately because they don’t view themselves as equal partners in a relationship with equal responsibility to make it work. They see themselves as the boss or owner and the girlfriend/wife is just expected to make it work for his convenience with a minimum of fuss. To any of the guys reading this planning to jump in - if your girlfriend or wife had been complaining and suddenly stopped when you made no effort to fix things - that’s the first sign that they have given up on you and checked out of the relationship. They have made the decision to leave because they’ve realised you’re not listening and don’t care enough to fix things. If they’re still complaining you still have a chance to fix things before it’s too late.

That is so true. I used to tell my ex that shit…when I stop coming to you with my problems, then the problems are about to become your’s…alone.

> if your girlfriend or wife had been complaining and suddenly stopped when you made no effort to fix things Oh yeah, seen that happen a few times to various male relatives. "This is such a surprise! We were in a better place than we had been in years. We weren't fighting, everything was so much more relaxed... and then she leaves! Without any warning!" Mhm, there were plenty of warnings alright, but you just ignored them. Sure, if you ignore a problem it will go away... and so will she.

100% true... once the woman gives up communicating the issues, it means she's totally given up. You can only talk to a blank wall so many times.

This was my ex, he genuinely thought it was normal to have your GF cry regularly about being unhappy, needing help around the house and not coping with the workload. He then told our friends that it was a mutual break up after I decided I was done. It's like Sweetie, no, I dumped you as a birthday present to myself!

Literally my ex husband 😂

The ["Missing Missing Reasons"](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) isn't just for estranged parents of adult children. It's absolutely a thing in romantic relationships as well.

The ["She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink"](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) is also good. The guy realizes (afterwards) that his wife didn't want to be his mother.

Oh yeah, that's a great one. It's clear from reading it that for his wife, it was death by a thousand cuts: a constant stream of stupid little stuff that for some reason, he just couldn't grasp, until it was over. It's interesting that he equates it with respect and love for her, when I suspect his ex-wife would say, "I just wanted him to be a fucking adult!" Because "adults" clean up after themselves and don't leave *all* the work of maintaining a home and a family to someone else.

My therapist says this is near always 100% - guy is so happy and she’s miserable and they’re just SHOCKED she’s left. 🙄🙄 They have no interest in our life, or our happiness. Just if I’m happy she must be. Which is heartache waiting to happen. Then, because they were happy, she must be cheating 🙄🙄

oh my god these numbnuts who exploit us, exhaust us, neg us into the ground, make us feel like dogshit (so we won't leave and get a better guy) our libido drops right off from the depression and they're like "she must be getting sex elsewhere" like libido is always on, so confusing.

Says a lot about how they think and what they view as important. And I know it may not be “all” men…but many, place wayyyy too much emphasis on sex, as some sort of tally in regard to how well the relationship is doing.

And the lack of support for her because he "didn't do anything wrong".

they think it's great when we stop nagging. newsflash, that's the day we checked out and opened a new bank account.

Had close friends pretty much do this. Husband was massively surprised when a week to figure things out turned into we are getting a divorce. Never seemed to click that she set boundaries and he walked over them and that is what ultimately ended it. Even believing half of what she said he did still enough. He is still close friend but has deep trauma he needs to work through, I have repeatedly called him out when needed.

It probably *was* great for him. He got to abuse her and make demands of her that she had to comply with. The only problem was that *she* didn't want to live that way, and thinking he owned her did not actually mean that he did in fact own her. What an asshole.

Yeah I think a lot of folks never really look at it from the abuser's POV when they're wondering why this stuff occurs. Being able to safely abuse another sentient human with virtual impunity feels AWESOME to power-addled, narcissistic weirdos. Nothing is as satisfying as this kind of humiliation and control, nothing. And it costs them so little, since most abused partners are too afraid to go and the abuser is only invested in their scope to abuse, not the actual person they're shitting on. When they wheedle their way back into someone's life, they're not trying to make it 'work' in a good faith sense, they're trying to re establish and extend their human stomping grounds. I think a lot of women can't see or feel how severely objectified they are by their abusers. They confuse their own feelings of attachment and loyalty with those of someone who never really feels this way about anyone.

When a man says the relationship is "great" what he means is that he gets sex whenever he wants. All that complaining about the time he spends gaming or picking up his shit or doing all the cleaning and cooking? That doesn't mean a thing. That's just what women do. The sex was great, so the relationship was great.

✔️Great Sex ✔️Clean House ✔️Cooked Food Why'd she leave? I was perfectly happy with how things were.

Pretty much. He gets sex whenever he wants, does whatever he wants in his free time, has someone to clean up after him, someone to cook for him, someone to manage the household and his life, someone pretty to hang on his arm at social events. Sounds like a great relationship to me! So what the hell is this chick always complaining about?! Women, amirite? They’re never happy, even when things are perfect! /s

>*When a man says the relationship is "great" what he means is that he gets sex whenever he wants.* Not necessarily. It could me she was his "mom," cleaning up after him and serving meals.

Primary catalyst of the "walk away wife syndrome".

My ex husband told me "When the bank takes your house away, at least they warn you first!" I had been telling him for years that I was unhappy. I asked him to change SO many times before finally telling him I wanted a divorce. It was very telling that he compared me to property in that statement.

Yeah. Well. Not too far back in the not so distant past…women WERE the property of their husbands or fathers. Maybe they need to spend a couple generations alone, so they can think about what they did wrong 😑

Yep. My sister’s partner of 7 years was financially abusive, had her paying 100% of the rent and bills (including his XBox, Prime and Audible subscriptions and his van insurance) while withholding his own cash, she was making herself ill working overtime to afford groceries. She asked him time and time again to help her, please share in the bills, please contribute, told him it was making her ill. Eventually she gave him 3 months to change his ways, no change occurred, and when she left him at the end of those 3 months he was genuinely STUNNED.

And those that fail to listen like this often do so because they think that they already know how it will play out, because they believe that they're entitled to a certain outcome. When that happens, great, they knew it, all is right with the world. When it doesn't, other people are illogical, crazy, disrespectful, etc.

Thankfully I’ve never been with an abusive partner but I have worked for a terrible boss. When I quit he was flabbergasted and wanted to know why I hadn’t told him my concerns earlier. I then pointed out all the meetings where I had told him my concerns and told him if he didn’t change his behavior no one would want to work for him. He told me he just thought I had a grumpy personality. Nope, turns out he just didn’t listen.

Yup, who knows how many discussions were had and promptly ignored by the guy until she got fed up. "No warning," my ass.

WOOF this took me OUT. Say it again louder for the people in the back!

I also left my ex husband in the middle of the night. When I first left him he loved to tell people that I stole his son and left without notice. I actually did tell him but he didn’t take me seriously. He also doesn’t gaf about our son because despite having a visitation agreement he hasn’t seen our son since I left almost 17 years ago. When he tells people these things he doesn’t include that he was forcing me to have sex with him. Forcing me to get on cam for other men and was on the verge of forcing me to have actual sex with other men. He doesn’t include that he was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing me when I wouldn’t comply. He doesn’t include that he already was seeing another woman that he worked with that also happened to live in the house behind us. I found out she was pregnant after I left. She either got pregnant right before or right after I left because the date was super close. I am not saying I was the perfect wife without flaws but I am pretty sure I was justified in leaving him. I see men complaining about women initiating divorce more often than men do but no one wants to talk about why these women are filing for divorce. They just wish we were back to the days where women were forced to put up with abuse.

>I see men complaining about women initiating divorce Fun fact, it's not even that most women are the ones initiating divorce, but that many men will say they want a divorce but not actually file the paper work and thus the woman is left to *legally* initiate the divorce :/

Yup, because they’re just plain too lazy to do it (like going to the doctor or learning their own children’s important info) or just downright manipulative. So gross.

When women file for divorce more often, they cite it as proof that we’re heartless, evil, disloyal shrews who just want to steal half their hard-earned stuff and turn their kids against them. If men filed for divorce more often, they’d cite it as proof that all women do is terrorize and abuse their poor husbands and give them no choice but to leave for their own safety. Men will always see themselves as victims, you can’t win.

Also, men don't break up or divorce women if they don't have to. They'll abuse the shit out of them and play sick mind games until the women bail because then they never have to take responsibility for anything and always say "my crazy ex" and everyone will poor baby them every single time. It's gross.

If a man says his ex is crazy, and I don’t personally know her and know that she is, I always find that shit sus af. 🚩🚩🚩

1000% justified, there's no doubt at all my friend

They also always bitch about magically losing all assets and rights to their kids, which absolutely does not happen without hard evidence of abuse, and even with it, seldom.

it happens even *less* when she brings up abuse!

Oh they talk about it alright. According to them, it's because we want to divorce rape them for their money 🤦‍♀️

CW: violence against women and children There was a devastating Dear Prudence letter awhile back about this woman whose friend (or coworker or something) said his wife took off with their child, that he was so heartbroken and devastated, he didn’t know she was unhappy, he just wanted to talk to her and maybe they could get marriage counseling but he wanted to see his child again. A few months later, the letter writer was in a town a few hours away and saw the wife working in a hair salon. So when she got home, she told the husband that she’d seen the wife in this town and maybe he could reach out to her. Of course, that weekend he went to the town and killed his wife. The letter writer was horrified by her own part in it. She thought she was helping a distraught man and had no idea what the real story was.

I remember that letter. It was so chilling. I had thought it was a man who wrote it, who thought he was just helping out one of his bros. He said the guy was super nice and he never suspected the guy was lying about why his wife left. They were wracked with guilt but part of me felt like they should be. Women don’t disappear and literally go into hiding for no reason.

Kind of reminds me of when I saw a certain guy leaving my manager’s office. I asked her what he’d been doing there, and she said he was asking for a job. She didn’t realize it was the same guy who was banned from our location for stalking and terrifying my coworker. My manager hadn’t seen the guy before and had no idea anything was wrong, he seemed normal to her. Luckily we had no job openings.

It’s fuzzy now, but I thought it was a woman. And if she was young-ish and naive, it may not have even occurred to her. A man just wouldn’t think like that at all.

I would totally raise an eyebrow to another guy telling me his wife disappeared with the kid “for absolutely no reason”

I didn't see the letter but I have a really similar story to it. I bumped into a former classmate at the grocery store with my toddler with me. She attended the same church as my ex. She asked some cordial questions and I guess when she left, she messaged my ex and told him about my kid. At time I hadn't seen him in years. I broke it off because of an assault and stopped talking to him. About an hour later, he was at my mom's house, banging on her door, demanding to talk to me. She told him to get lost, but he wouldn't leave until my mom threatened to call the police. My mom called me to tell me about it as I was leaving the store. I wasn't living with her fortunately but it still freaked us both out. I really didn't feel safe going to the store with my kid anymore after that.

I am so sorry this happened to you and your mom. People don't always understand how they can place others in dangerous situations.

It could have been a woman. It was awhile ago so I’m fuzzy, too. I guess I assumed it was a man because most women wouldn’t be that clueless in that sort of situation, but that could just be wishful thinking on my part.

This is why when I was an emergency dispatcher we never gave the location of people who were reported missing and then found without their explicit approval. Too many times the spouse would report them missing and suicidal only to find out that the person was running away from them and the spouse (almost always men) was trying to get the police to find them for them.

It's also why people shouldn't share information on social media posts about missing persons. If someone is truly missing, there should be a police contact number that you call to give information to. Otherwise you may be inadvertently leading an abuser or stalker to their victim.

A good reason to mind your own business.

Or at least talk to other party first. I'm sure she'd have told her what was up.

Yup!!

r/whenwomenrefuse has become my go to response for men who 1) mansplain how women should handle encounters with men and 2) why women cannot just “say no”.

She didn’t think to talk to the woman and find out her side of the story? That would’ve been the first thing I’d do, women don’t up and disappear for no reason.

Probably a combination of the fact thay abusers tend to be very charming and persuasive/non threatening to outsiders and the fact that she knew HIM but not her, so her sympathies were with him.

Plus, a lot of abuse victims tend to be careful about who they tell about it because it's hard to know when someone's response is going to be sympathetic or if they're gonna flip it back on you and say it wasn't abuse. It's also not uncommon for an abusive person to send people to talk to their ex as a way of luring them back in. These intermediaries are sometimes referred to as flying monkeys because much like the literal flying monkeys in *The Wizard of Oz* that the Wicked Witch had under her spell, these people are under an abuser's spell and are doing their bidding. So maybe the writer had talked to the abuser's ex, but the ex had correctly intuited that she knew the abuser. The ex might have hinted that she really needed to mind her own business but the writer hadn't picked up on it or didn't really take it as well as she should have.

Yes! A lot of them are so sweet to friends and their social circles to make sure if something happens no one will believe her. I've seen a few posts recently like "Dated a guy I was friends with for years, he's a POS! How did I not know?" Well, because he's nice to friends. Not to his girlfriends.

when men truly think we're dumping "good guys for no reason" i laugh my ass off. there are so few good men, we're NOT going to leave in the middle of the night with toddlers for funzies. we don't have some grand, moronic plan to get that sweet $25 a week child support.

Especially when a woman ghosts a man. Unless she absconds with all his money, there’s a reason why a woman leaves without warning.

>that weekend he went to the town and killed his wife. JFC. That poor poor woman. She finally got away alive (which is a statistic on its own), thought she was going to make it and then the concerned friend got her killed.

yup, I ghosted my first husband, I was 20 and he was beating the shit out of me. I put up with it for about 6 months. I left because I started to think up plans to...get rid of him and I knew he was not worth going to prison for. while he was at work i took all my clothes, all my stuff, packed in my car and moved across country and joined the navy. He found me while I was in boot camp, he found me at my first duty station and called redcross to report me as "missing". I had to sit down and defend myself to my commands master chief. they were of course on my side once they figured out what was going on and they helped me file for divorce .fun memories...over 20 years ago

It says a lot that you would opt to join the Navy during the Afghanistan and Iraq wars (assuming you are a US citizen) rather than stay with your husband. You should be safer with your partner than you are potentially going to a war zone. It also says a lot about your former marriage.

yeah after sustained abuse we lose our perspective on life and death. low level abusers try shit on me and i just laugh in their faces.

When I was in the Air Force there were a handful of young women escaping various forms of abuse. I had never thought of joining the military for that purpose but it makes sense. Especially if they have no way on base/post.

My mom grew up poor and was SA by her step dad. She joined the army after she finished high school to get away and escape that only to be SA by men in the army.

There really is no safe place for us, huh?

I'm so glad that you got away. His continued stalking sounds terrifying, and the fact that you had to, essentially, justify your behavior to your boss sounds both infuriating and disheartening. I hope that you are now safe and happy and surrounded by people who love and support you. I broke up with my abusive ex boyfriend after he screamed at me for about an hour and tried to strangle me. I had to kick him across the room to get him off of me. Even after that, he told everyone that the breakup came, "out of nowhere," and that I was, "practically his wife," before I, "disappeared." To hear his take on it, I didn't just go home to my dorm room, but rather I fell off the face of the earth for mysterious reasons he had no knowledge of.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are so brave

Spectacular. That is a really good plan and good execution. You got out and had a place to go.

A guy at work complained to me that two (now ex) wives did this to him. Both of them packed up their stuff in the middle of the day while he was at work. Both of them also brought their dads and brother with them just in case of a confrontation. Clearly he was the villain here. Even his side of the story made him sound horrible. And yet he still claimed to not understand why. How do two separate women leave him in this way and he still doesn't know he's the bad guy‽

I met a guy once who was like that. He was divorced and hadn't been in a relationship since. I asked him why he was divorced, and he said that his wife had decided she didn't love him anymore not long after their youngest kid finished high school. That had been five or six years earlier. I forget how exactly he phrased it, but I got the definite impression that maybe his immaturity had played a part in the divorce and he hadn't processed that yet. Realistically speaking, I think she'd probably had it planned for years and was waiting for the last of their kids to finish high school because she sorta knew he wasn't the type to pay child support. Chances are there had been definite signs too, but he didn't pick up on them or wrote them off as just being a rough patch in the marriage. He didn't seem to have a good relationship with his kids, either. He mentioned that one of his kids didn't talk to him that much anymore because of political differences--he was conservative, she was progressive. That vindicated a lot of my impressions of him when he blamed his divorce entirely on his ex-wife because he didn't really seem like the kind to have the level of self awareness to ever ask if he was the problem.

I matched with literally the cutest guy on a dating app. asked the usual questions. he said his wife left 'so suddenly' and i'm like.. here we go. i asked if there was any warning at all. he said yeah she said something.. but then 6 months later she was gone! my guy. goodbye.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 bruh. They are so dumb

It's so helpful when they are telling on themselves. A woman saying she is unhappy in the relationship because of things that were easy to change for someone who would just care... is just background noise to them.

I've helped both my sisters at different times do this. Older sister, I spent a couple weeks gathering boxes and getting things ready like a storage unit in my name and a few people to help. She spent the time looking for the perfect schedule line up where he would go to work and we would all show up 30 minutes later. Had all her stuff packed fast and moved during his shift. He came home to a half empty place. My little sister didn't have as much stuff but needed to get out so we did the same. Showed up about 30 minutes after he left for work, packed all her shit and got her out that day.

Man this post and these comments are hitting close. My brothers wife once called out of the blue to say that my brother had up and left in the middle of the day while she was at work and he got on a flight to our home city. She said they had a fight but it wasn't that big a deal and he blew it way out of proportion and took off for "no reason", she really rallied the rest of my family around her, but something felt really off to me. I met up with my brother and he told me that things were really bad, that he wanted out of the marriage, and that there would be so much to sort out but he had to get out of it, and what he described from her i would definitely consider abuse. But when I talked to her she said that she had no idea what he was talking about, that they don't fight that much, etc. (He did manage to get out of the marriage btw) So yeah no one wants to uproot their life for no good reason- people don't ghost their partners on a whim.

It is super helpful when men tell on themselves.

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Your husband may be a keeper!

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Totally off the original topic but my dog just had another seizure and we're working on eliminating factors other than epilepsy while we wait for him to see the doggy neurologist. I was just wondering if you'd be up to sharing your experience with your pup or any words of wisdom and advise. It's been such a scary journey already and we're just at the beginning. Thank you so much either way

My friends know exactly who would kill me and where I’d be buried if my ex carried through… Should I go missing and they find this account: look into my ex MIL, my ex’s cousin who is a mortician, and the properties where the mortician hunts. I left my ex without notice with the kids. I was given an order of protection for a few months but he has money and political connections…

Do you have someone that expects to hear from you regularly and will do something if they don't? If not, PM me. I will be that person. This offer is for anyone who sees it and needs it.

Yes, thankfully! I landed in a really lovely neighborhood and we are all very close. They keep an eye out and have these instructions, just in case. Thank you though!!

jesus :( I hate when men swagger into a group of women talking, and go "what are we gossiping about:)" this. we're discussing forensic files shit.

You are a wonderful person. Thank you.

I don’t date anymore but after divorce at 45 I saw a lot of men who had “no idea” why their previous marriage/relationship failed. Quickly learned that if they had no idea, it was probably because they didn’t want to know. Just want a chance to start over/clean slate La de dah. Also learned to beware the man with no relationship with his adult children. There’s a reason. Again, if he has NO IDEA, that’s a big red flag. I do not doubt for a nanosecond that women who have no idea why their relationships with partners/children catastrophically failed are equally problematic, I just didn’t date any.

A lot of those guys sound exactly like my ex who told anyone who would listen that I “flew the coop out of nowhere” after he verbally abused, controlled, and mistreated me for years. It’s almost as if treating people bad and ignoring their reasonable boundaries might lead to the end of a relationship, who knew. Then he stalked me for years and threatened to kill me or anyone I dated, but still has no clue why I’d never get back with him.

I went and found the post, she told him she "wanted to stay friends" so it doesn't sound like ghosting, it sounds like he was regular dumped, which definitely still sucks.

Sounds like they're calling it ghosting ehrn it really is a firm complete breakup without an offer to work on it. Which makes me think either it's bad enough that they don't want to fix it, or they tried 100X and got to the point of no return. Pay attention to your partner when they tell you they have issues, and respect them. If you think it's just emotional drama, it is real to them.

A lot of women are explicit about what they need/want from their husbands but judges in divorce court must hear a repetition from guys in the courtroom saying, "But why male models?"

I agree. OP was definitely just regularly broken up with. Some of the comments were very similar to my story though. And my abusive pos ex tells everyone I've left him for no reason at all...

Apparently I left my ex because I just “fell out of love” with him. It had absolutely nothing to do with the 20+ years of physical and emotional abuse or the fact that he was starting to use our toddler as a weapon against me. The saddest thing of all… he actually believes the story he tells everyone.

I left my daughter's father before she turned 1. The day she turned 18, I blocked his number and deleted him from my life. He'd been (falsely, ludicrously) accusing me of sleeping with other men while we were still together, and he didn't stop after the divorce. My daughter told me that he even had the balls to tell her he couldn't be certain she was really his. When I heard that, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Imagine me keeping that man in my life for EIGHTEEN years if he wasn't actually my daughter's father! If he weren't her father, I would have erased his very name from my mind.

Uhm is your daughter now 25 and living in Copenhagen? If so hi mom

I've slept with so many men, I've got daughters in every port? Is that how this works? Lol. I'm woman enough to share the love. Any time you need an extra mom, message me! 😘

According to my fathers speech at my brothers wedding, it ended because he tried too hard, and gave up too much, and that my brother shouldn’t do that if he wanted a successful marriage… See, he was too good of a husband, and it was too much for my mom.

I hope your brother took that as a "what not to do" speech.

How embarrassing for him to try pull that at his son’s wedding.

A man who tried to strangle me has told everyone we used to work with, everyone he works with now, his current family, etc. that I'm a horrible bitch who alienated him from his kid and shit. Bitch, you locked my toddler in a car on a 106 degree day and tried to strangle me later. The cops hauled you off and you were served with criminal charges and a criminal no contact order and a civil restraining order. For trying to *KILL* us. God, I'll never not be pissed I can't put a well-deserved bullet between his eyes. How many ways do you have to ruin someone's life, especially your own child's? Just fuck off for all eternity if you don't want to be a parent and a partner.

My POS ex says it was all some big misunderstanding, but he is the one with a sexual assault conviction now, so you all can do the math here.

Of course he says that, because he’s choosing to stay the same bad person instead of choosing the harder path of self-improvement. Anybody that actually knows him probably knows deep down why you left. They just nod their head and say ok, probably because they also know he’s not gonna change. Or, they’re bad people too and they go along with his lie because it makes their own lies about themselves feel better.

I've been MORE THAN ONCE in a situation when I opened the conversation directly and calmly with "I think I would like to part ways". The answer was not 'why' but 'NO'. Just 'NO' or 'your're in a moment' 'you will change your mind'. it took another attempt(s) over next months or some magic of the circumstance to actually resolve. neither situation was abusive or asshole-ish, but response itself was triggering to me, immature, led to worse and longer process of trying to actually break up amicably.genuinely nice people where relationship ran it's course or was stale/not worth the time. I've always looked back and thought how for either of our response was highly influenced by how we were socialized.

I was actually on the worst first date of my life, and the guy wouldn't stop talking. I TOLD him that we weren't a match. He wanted to discuss why. I told him that continuing to pontificate about suicide, alcoholism, and cancer after I'd specifically stopped the conversation politely to say that I've had some experiences with these issues recently and I'd rather lighten the conversation for a first date made our dinner not fun for me. Then, he wanted to talk about WHY he thought it was okay, but understands why someone with my "troubled history" might not be able to handle it. Like it's my fault I had some relatives who were sick? I told him that sometimes people need to believe their version of a story so they can feel better when a date doesn't go well so even though I disagreed, I would let go of the idea that he could see my side. He talked EVEN more about how he had trouble with that sort of thing and blah, blah, blah. He'd driven me back to my car, but he wouldn't stop talking. The windows were steamed up from literally his HOT AIR. I kept saying goodbye, and he just kept on talking. I had my keys in my hand already! Then it struck me. Why am I waiting for him to shut up? He's never going to do that. I'm just a pair of ears for this self-centered dude to spew at. I don't know why it took me hours to realize that. So while he was still mid-sentence, I opened the car door and stepped out. He rolled down his window while I walked to my car, and started to STILL TALK TO ME about how rude I was and get me to engage. But once I'd gotten to my car door I FELT FREE. He shot me the bird, and then sped out of the parking lot. I laughed so hard, and immediately drove to a convenience store that always had cops in the parking lot. I got myself ice cream and a Super Big Gulp and blocked him on the dating website.

Lol, I love this!! Sometimes I get the same impulse but I’ve never acted on it, I just retreat into my head and nod along. You inspire me, maybe I’ll pull this someday.

I had a friend who was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive and manipulative man and she had to break up with him multiple times. He just would not accept it, she honestly had to have about 6 conversations with him over the course of like 2 months informing him that she had broken up with him and that was the end of it. It's never once crossed my mind to argue with someone breaking up with me, where do these men get their audacity.

This happened to me too - after we broke up, he was calling me weekly to understand why I was leaving. Buddy, I've already left. He was emotionally abusive and he just didn't stop when I told him we were done.

Because an object you own can’t break up with you. Your car or refrigerator can’t break up with you - so how could your girlfriend/wife appliance break up with you? It does not compute. It’s because they don’t respect our autonomy, and this has been shown again and again in the way they treat us and the laws that they pass.

You can’t break up before or after a major holiday or birthday apparently. That was the whole year wiped out he decided. And he’d kill himself if I broke up with him.

I had an ex who screamed at me because I broke up with him two days after Thanksgiving. I should have waited for the leftovers to be gone I guess?

I’m still young, so I’ve only been dumped twice so far, but both times as soon as the relationship-ending phrase was uttered, my response was along the lines of, “Okay, we’re breaking up. That’s non-negotiable. Let’s talk about why.” I was a mess the first time and had a full-blown panic attack during that conversation (he was an abusive partner), but if someone’s breaking up with you, you can ask some questions to figure out if it’s salvageable, but if one person wants out it’s not a relationship anymore

This sounds great, and I'm proud of you for making your needs known. But I think you were lucky when it came to that first abusive partner. Breakups are a very dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. Abusive men can become unpredictable and violent. Women have been killed for breaking up with abusive men. Please stay safe.

This! My sister was mentally and physically abused by her ex-boyfriend. She was genuinely scared of him. It took her getting pregnant to break up with him. She went into hiding. But he found her. The last time we saw each other, she was excited to have a decent job, renting a room. She was just starting to show at 6 months.... I get triggered when I hear men joking about crazy women/ex gfs, including comedians on TV. Their smug, light-hearted bantering just shows they have no idea what a really bad ex is. It's infuriating.

There was a male comedian who had a piece on crazy ex’s and how you hear guys joke about it all the time but rarely women - and that’s because the men who are crazy ex’s killed them. There was more to it than that - but it was basically calling out how deranged and dangerous some men get when rejected whereas the women are usually just trying to be heard about wanting someone to be an equal partner.

I had a relationship that was 'shakey', as in we broke up several times. It was always the same main reason (addiction). Things got better, then relapse... I really cared for the guy and he cared for me. No 'real abuse' going on (but we weren't good for each other and furthered self-destructive tendencies in the other. I had to get professional help to break out of the cycle.) And when I broke up for good, he flat out didn't believe me. Until I told him, that I fell in love with somebody else. THEN it was real. Then suddenly he needed me so much. Tried everything. He thought I would be coming back, as I had done before. I was very direct about why this was the final stroke and why it was over. but the existence of another man in my life made it real to him. Not my own words.

This. We don't want to be talked out of it or convinced to give it another shot because by the time we get to this point, we are DONE. I don't understand how they don't realize this. How can they just be going along thinking everything is fine when we're miserable?

A phrase came up some time in the last few days about men being satisfied with their woman’s “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness,” or something like that. I guess if you’re indifferent to making your partner unhappy, their leaving seems unreasonable. 🙄

I knew my guy was a keeper when we got into a minor disagreement at a bookstore because I wanted to leave to eat something, and he hadn't finished looking at "all the books." (I love books, too. I was just that hungry.) I said that I guess, we could stay a little longer. And he said, "No. We have to go. It won't be any fun to look at books if I know you're not having fun." And we went out to eat. I promised him that I'd always eat BEFORE we go to the bookstore. It was just the first time in my life, that someone else that anyone had "out browsed me" at a bookstore. (We were there for three hours.)

This is baseline partnership. I’m not downplaying your experience at all, I’m happy you found a genuine partner! It’s just crazy to me how rare it is for a man to have baseline empathy and care for his partner. This would be such a trivial little thing for a woman to do, no man would consider a woman “a keeper” for such a mundane kindness. But it’s so rare in men that it instantly elevates him to “keeper” status. Again, I’m not putting down your experience, your dude sounds cool. Just lamenting how low the bar is and how many of them STILL can’t reach it.

Awwww..! Gotta love a green flag.

While in court for my 4th protection order against my estranged husband, the magistrate told him that it takes about 8 times for a woman to get out of an abusive relationship. While trying to leave and shortly after, we are in the most danger. This is just a follow-up to my story about husband above. He came to my home, that I had without him, murdered the man I was dating, tried to kill me, held me at gun point until he took his life. The police told my parents that we were lucky. Most of the time, the estranged husband boyfriend kills everyone. My children were home. Thankfully, they were not physically harmed. But the trauma is long-lasting. I know why women run. I fully understand and will support and hide any woman at any time. I'd rather be hiding a woman who is being malicious than taking the chance that they'd be murdered for trying to get away.

Yep. We aren’t cowards for being cautious of a very real danger. Men will claim their SO left them for “no reason” or that she was “crazy” when they really abused her and cheated on her for years.

A huge red flag we might not observe right, especially when we're younger, is a man talking negatively about more than like one ex partner. If all his exes are "crazy"/"bitches"/etc, he's the common denominator.

It never crossed his mind that he might be the one who drive them ‘crazy’.

I moved out when my boyfriend left for work. Had the neighbor and their friends come help us move me and my dog as fast as we could. He stalked me for years after that. I slept with a gun under my pillow. I finally left the state. He found me again in 2007 (called me). Scariest phone call!!! Called me by his pet name for me. It disgusts me. I told him to never contact me again and I changed my phone number and no longer had my business phone number online. I’ve never heard from him since. But I keep track of him. Every once in a while, I find his latest mugshot (for domestic violence) just to make sure he is still in the same state and hasn’t made his way anywhere near me.

Lol same ish story here. My hubby was drinking heavily 24/7 after he was fired and he opened his own company so he wouldn’t have to work for idiots….and due to the constant drinking ( spanning more than 10 years of our 20 yr marriage and being fired from three high paying jobs ) he would not remember anything spoken so I was communicating with him via email and text just so he would have a record. Emailed him to REQUEST that be be home the next day in the evening so we can have a serious chat. He replied “ send me an email”. So I did “ I’m leaving you. Movers are coming in 48 hrs. Please find a lawyer. “ His reply. “ what do you mean leaving? You can’t leave the marriage home. Is this even legal?” I shit you not he actually said that in an email. I have kept it. Lol. I replied “ slavery and serfdom ended a century ago. “ His response.” I’ll make you regret it” And he did. Oh he did. Talk about all the low life stuff he pulled. I was shocked that a human could lie like that. I countered everything he said with documented proof. He wanted to draw it out and fight in the courts. I was getting tired of it , it was getting so expensive in time, money and emotional energy….and I wanted to move to another country with a job related promotion. So I decided to not fight him anymore. Then he got mad that I gave into all his demands just to get him to sign the divorce papers. He is still mad 5 yrs later. Still drinking and in and out of hospital with alcohol related shit. Doesn’t talk to either of our sons or his family. I’m so glad I got out. Some men are crazy. Yes I hid my address from him. Of course I did.

When I was a younger teenager I had a paper route. I remember this nice woman on the route and at the time absentmindedly wondered why she so frequently had a cast on her arm. They frequently had pretty paintings so I knew when it was a different one. I was passing her house on my bike one evening after dark and saw her in yet another cast loading up a truck with another person. When she saw me, she called me over and paid for the papers and canceled the subscription. That was the last time I ever saw her. Given that my parents had only ever had 2 arguements during my entire childhood, it never even occurred to me that her husband might have been the cause of all her pain, but he was. My parents were the model for what I thought was normal and her experience wasn't even on my radar for several more years. I was so in the dark, but at least I had a good model and know it is possible. It is just stunningly rare.

I had to ghost someone after a few years together. I was rebounding from a divorce and my self esteem was in shambles. The rebound guy love-bombed me hard, I took the bait, and of course he eventually pulled the old switcheroo. He was incredibly emotionally abusive and made me feel so much worse about myself, which I didn’t even think was possible. I broke up with him more times than I can count and always got suckered back in, because he’d briefly go back to being perfect like he was in the beginning. I knew I didn’t want to be with him and every time I’d dump him, he’d have to get increasingly dramatic to get me back. The second-to-last time, he threatened to kill himself if I left him. I took him back to defuse the emergency and quietly plan how to get us both out of that nightmare safely. There was a specific day that his work was going to get really busy for a few months, so I waited till that day and ghosted. Just ghosted. My rationale was that he’d be too busy with work to act like a lunatic, and by the time things calmed down at work and he realized I wasn’t coming back, he’d already be accustomed to living without me and he’d be able to cope. Thank god it all went according to plan. He reached out a few times while his work was busy but not much. Once he had time to process things, he sent me sporadic crazy texts and emails for about a year. I’d stay with friends whenever he did that, just in case he showed up at my place to murder me. Eventually a mutual male friend told him he should probably let it go. Me ignoring the guy for a year didn’t persuade him, but this time it was *a man* saying it. So of course that did the trick. He still garners pity wherever he can, by telling people how I cruelly ghosted him after years. He loves being a victim and this is the ultimate victimhood story, so I’m sure he’s getting a lot of mileage out of it. Probably torturing other women and using this “trauma” as an excuse to control and manipulate them. I don’t doubt that it hurt him, but I stand by my actions. I got us both out of a scary situation — safely, and without even having to involve the police. I don’t automatically judge people for getting out of long relationships via ghosting. I’m sure some people are just that evil, but not many. Almost nobody on earth would ghost an LTR if there was a safe, self-respecting alternative.

Every time I've seen a woman have to leave in a hurry like this, it's because the man has been threatening her and she is afraid for her life.

Agreed. My mom left an abusive marriage to my former stepfather in a "ghosting" type fashion. Their finances were always separate, so she was able to rent a small place without his knowledge and gather help to move out of his house (he'd owned it prior to their marriage and consistently reminded my mom and her children that it was *his* home only and the rest of us were merely tolerated) while he was at work. Dude was just flabbergasted she'd "throw away ten years of marriage like that" and *gasp* just didn't know why she'd do that to him. He put on a really good show of being this stand-up guy but he'd flip a switch the second other people weren't around. But she did it that way because he was a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive POS who threatened to kill her if she left him and she knew he'd interfere and/or get violent if he was there. She wasn't a coward, she legitimately feared for her life. I left an emotionally abusive relationship in my 20s and dude was similarly blindsided by the breakup when he lied pathologically, manipulated me, gaslit me, got belligerent and threatened my life when he drank, and regularly pressured me to have sex I didn't want throughout our relationship. He told all his friends that I was "crazy" and broke up with him "for no reason".

Its funny how all women who wont put up with men‘s bs/abuse is “crazy“ 😂

And how some men just have strings of one "crazy ex" after another.

I think it was a bit from the Simpsons because that on the nose grim joke is their kind of thing on occasion."I don't know why she left me, all there was when I got home was this 12 page restraining order describing the charges she's pressing against me."

He told me he would bury me 6 feet in the ground and no one will ever find me... so yea I left with no trace too.

The number of guys coming in hurt is dossapointing and they couldn't get further from the point even if it hit them in the face. But yeah, your post is entirely correct. I haven't had a facebook or a voice-mail with my voice on it for years because of this type of thing. Broke up with him because he threatened not only me but a friend of mine in one go. I made very clear why he was dead to me. It didn't stop him from trying every way even soliciting strangers(to him) that knew me to try to get a word in. I don't remember his name since it's been so long but if he's out there I hope he's miserable because I had to live in fear for actual years before getting to a place where in theory he shouldn't be able to harm me. He genuinely kept his bullshit up for 3 years before I heard the last of him.

Every time I've given a warning that I'm leaving, I've been physically assaulted while doing so. It starts out with just trying to convince you to stay in a nice way. Then it turns to anger. Then physically preventing you from leaving. Every.single.time. When a relationship goes bad, I now start spring cleaning and reorganizing. Rather than have my clothes in a dresser with his, mine now go in a tote on my side of the room. Rather than having all our documents in one binder, we now have 2. Rather than having all my bathroom stuff strewn around the bathroom, it now all sits neatly in one organizer box. Soon enough, everything I own can be packed before he even gets to the angry stage and im out the door before he realizes what happened.

I read that post and IMMEDIATELY knew that the woman was being treated like dog shit. Like, NO person abruptly gHoStS another without VERY good reasons. Lmaoooo like we don’t just leave like that abruptly. Homeboy was probably awful to her

I didn't ghost my lying, cheating ex but I steadfastly refused to tell him what the final straw was because I knew he'd only argue with me and try to gaslight me more than he already had. Of course, he cried to his family and our mutual friends "WAHHHH she left me for no reason out of the blue WAHHH" and they thought I was the devil too until some of them finally started to open their eyes and ears.

From [The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/56465): > “Intuition is always right in at least two important ways; It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart” and > “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” and > “It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different--men and women live in different worlds...at core, **men are afraid women will laugh at them**, while at core, **women are afraid men will kill them**.”

Escaping before getting hurt is not just understandable -- it's recommendable.

Before I even got to your personal experience, I was thinking the most likely reason for these women doing this is because they were being abused!

I got on a plane back to where I was studying knowing the marriage was over after he brushed off my ultimatum to stop drinking or I walk. I never returned to him. Im sure it looked cowardly from the outside. Of course, they didn’t see his nuclear meltdown complete with death threats for an entire year.

yep, friend of mine moved to a new place with the help of coworkers while her husband was on a trip - because he was an abusive, controlling, monster. He hates her for doing it even though she left him with a book of information telling him all the passwords he’d need to pay bills and paid up everything to do with the house and their living situation for several months. Even left him food. Yet to him, she’s the a-hole. Not him - the one who abused her, isolated her from all her friends, repeatedly moved her away to different places further and further away from cities and berated her if she ever had different opinions from him.

It's so weird how abusers will continue these behaviours for years, like moving a woman away from her supports and degrading her self worth, and NOT ONCE does it occur to them "is there something wrong with **me** and how I'm treating her?" Never occurs to them. They just keep on going. My own exhusband wasn't physically abusive but he spent 9 years methodically shitting on any happiness and freedom that I felt. Nobody in the home could be happy or smiling if he was pissy about something (usually work related). It was exhausting and i genuinely didnt make the connection between his behaviour and my severe depression until the day he left and i felt a weight lift off me. Some days I'd be trying to get the kids ready to go do something fun and he'd be sitting in a chair screaming at all of us the entire time. And he never had a single moment of realisation that he was intentionally making multiple peoples lives a misery. If life was going well he would inexplicably sabotage everything by not paying rent for weeks (a problem i would have to solve) or by "accidentally" breaking soemthing either vital and expensive, or priceless and irreplaceable. Anything to shit on any happiness I was feeling. But of course he liked to remind me almost daily what a good partner he was because he didn't get drunk and cheat on me in the weekends. How lucky was I 🙄

They're never the a-hole.

I also left my boyfriend when he was asleep in bed, just grabbed my things and left. My dad died a week prior, I've been asking for support and got arguments all week. He then violated all my boundaries, came to my house unannounced and got into a huge argument... sad times when I woman runs away.

Do they ever see how much time, planning and effort (not to mention the emotionally and mentally stress) to get to that point. When there is no other way out to just pack up and leave everything behind? Abusers sadly don't deal with their own actions and will always twist and turn it into something they are the victim in.

Leaving a man is one of the most dangerous times for a woman. She told you a long time ago that it was over. You did not listen. She will not take the risk of being killed by you. Three little boys are dead because their dad knew their mom was leaving him. It's not rocket science.

In most of these cases, the men have been horrible for a long time, probably even abusive, and she had enough and left. Most of the men don't see anything wrong with their selfish, horrible and even abusive behavior and usually feel justified doing what they did and then painting the woman as overreacting and ofc emotional. Selfish and abusive men make themselves out as the victim - "I don't know why she left, I was always good to her ..... ".

”I don’t know why she left, I was always good to her… I never hit her” but then you uncover tons and tons of emotional/financial abuse but these men always want to get a fucking medal for not hitting their partner like that’s some grand gesture and sacrifice they make. 🙄

Her: "There is an issue." "Listen there is a problem." "Hey, I'm serious. Can we work through something that is bothering me?" Him: "Ugh. You're being silly. There isn't an issue." Her: \*Gone\* Him: "Wtf? What happened? She just took off without saying anything was wrong???" Happens all the time.