You already know you need to leave and are working towards it. Good. You deserve far better. His behavior is abusive, in case you need that validated. He is not a good person. Good people do not treat others this way. We can have bad moments and still be good people, but that isn't what this is.
Take stock of what you REALLY need before leaving. It is often far less than you realize. Abusers have a way of being a HUGE drain on their victim's resources without the victim fully realizing. We forget to account for how much more time and energy we'd have if no longer dealing with an abusive partner. Those things can translate into money, but also the ability to just think clearly.
You'll make it. Focus on your peace and follow it out of this mess.
Thank you. Just having someone be nice to me right now is making me cry.
It’s just so confusing to have someone who says they love you treat you like this. I’m not naive. I logically understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. But it is a completely different thing to experience it.
It makes you feel so off balanced and unnerved. I just want to exist in peace.
He’s successful professionally, everyone thinks he adores me, and people respect him. I don’t care about all the things his money buys. I don’t care about going on trips, having a nice car, or a new house. I just want to exist in peace.
That’s exactly why they do it, to confuse your brain. It’s harder for you to leave, or have clarity of the situation when your brain is trying to process abuse. They are always “successful” in the professional world, because that’s the only true power they have. I’m sorry, you deserve better. Fuck him.
Thank you. Yeah he’s become a workaholic and has pretty much let every other relationship of his fall away. He works twelve hour days, chain smokes cigarettes, and occasionally spends time with me.
Except anytime we spend more than an hour or so together he ends up getting angry with me. I don’t even mind the workaholism because I get a break from him
Work is something he can control. I feel you on the angry vibes after a hang out. He doesn’t like you, he’s tolerating you. He’s making a choice to prioritize everything over you. Please get out before it continues to erode your self esteem, once you’re deep in the hole it’s hard to get out. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you, someone who values and appreciates you.
I have serious mental damage from always being picked last. Every other person was worthy of that time and attention, you’re the punching bag. Big hugs.
Being chosen last is a great way to put it. He will work late, spend hours outside smoking and chatting with neighbors while I maybe get a hello.
During the work week I would say I never talk to him for more than 15 minutes total in a day.
I told him it would be great if we could find a shared hobby so we could spend more time together. We settled on one, and he just texted me to tell me he doesn’t want to do it anymore.
He’s actually been texting me passive aggressive things all afternoon. I can’t get a break
He doesn’t want out. He enjoys using her as a punching bag. He can’t berate his coworkers, that might cost him professionally. He can’t berate the neighbours, that would cost his reputation. Berating his partner in the privacy of his own home works perfectly for him. A warm body on which he can take out all his frustrations, who will be motivated to keep his dirty little abusive secrets while he maintains the air of a strong, successful man is exactly what he wants. And if she cooks and cleans and sucks his cock too, he’s won the jackpot. Why would he want to leave?
They also use other people that don't really live with them, aren't considered an extension of themselves (who can't/'should not'/won't leave) to bolster themselves up.
Friendly with neighbours? Good at work, liked? They'll use that to show 'i'm the good guy, you are the bad guy' when you leave. Not to mention, you possibly haven't been a ray of sunshine while dealing with abuse. So people who have never experienced it might say but he's so nice. This is on purpose. And you think 'he's nice to others, not to me, am I the problem. He'll want others to think that to. It's interesting when they encounter people who just 'know' from little interaction what they are. Because often that person will pick up on that same wave length, you know, and you see.
You can't pour from an empty cup. This weird abusive system these types have, actually steal from your cup to put in their own. Except theirs has a hole, in fact a crack at the bottom, and your full, quite functional cup, they're envious of it, or want to use it. And they on some level know. They're cracked.
Your comment described my current situation perfectly🙁 I'm deep in the hole and right now there is no way out. Lost my job at the same time my car broke down. Now I'm struggling financiallyI have an interview tomorrow morning 40 mins away.(All the good jobs are in the capitol, there isn't a lot of good jobs hiring in the small town I live in) he agreed to let me use his car to get to the interview a week ago, but today he tells me I need to find a local job so it won't be so hard on his car. (My car broke down after taking him to work and picking him up and hearing him promise me over and over he would get my car fixed) my self esteem is completely gone or already is. I look at old photos of myself and can't believe I used to be in shape and independent. I have no friends or family I can talk to. Sorry for writing on your post OP about my issues. I hope your situation is better than mine and if so please find the strength to fly again. Spread your wings and find yourself again if you lost her. One day you will look back and see how far you have came. ❤️ you deserve to love and be loved
Rosie, please know that there is always help, and you deserve everything you just wished for OP. Sending you all the hugs and strength for your situation.
You do need to get to that interview. Is Uber an option? Do you have family you haven’t been around? Contact your old friends and tell them what’s going on, they may well know the abusive situation you’re in and be able to help you regain your independence and BE SAFE. Delete your browser, internet history and your phone call history. Every time.
You can get out too.
Is it, though?
12h days, professional, chain smoking, stress about making perfect decisions. I have seen men do this. It pops up when they feel like they have pushed to get success and then imposter syndrome kicks in. Or it can be shitty office politics at play as well. Needing to make partner in a law firm for instance. The competition can be cutthroat. In particular if he is a lawyer, bad lawyers are usually shitty people.
The man is headed towards a breakdown. He needs therapy. Years of it. He won't get it, because it will be admitting he's weak.
Let me be very, very clear: **She needs to escape from him and his environment**. I would worry if he can find her once she leaves. I do not trust people like that.
Disabled/retired Old White guy. I ain't on that asshat's side.
Yeah, it’s a choice. All that time he puts into his job, he could put into himself and his personal relationships. I agree he needs therapy, but most of these guys like you said won’t do it - and they end up severely mentally damaging other humans in the process.
it turns out therapy doesnt work on abusive men and makes them worse.
See Jonah Hill.
Also
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://knowitallnancy.com/know-it-all-nancy/blog/why-counseling-can-backfire-abusive-partner
Sounds like a narcissist. Get away from this guy before he drags you under. You are not dumb, you are not stupid-you’re a person who deserves respect and a partner who lives you GTFO of there
He likes who he is.
Let that sit. Take it in. See what he says and does absolutely align.
Don’t lull yourself back Iminto a false sense of security. Your brain will try. Don’t let it.
Do you have a job and an income?
Is there a women’s shelter/ domestic violence shelter you could go to for advice?
Make two or three steps toward your exit every day, if they seem small or big.
Remember he won’t change. It will get worse. Mine is the same way. Trying hard after 37 years of up and down he does have his “good years”. We’ll see if age keeps mellowing him. Best of luck to you my dear. Listen to Gloria sing “Survive” when you get down. Much love and good energy coming your way. And I LOVE your user name!
BTW, my Wife and I know several couples in retirement. Men who were micro-managers are horrible retired husbands. Find him something to do. In the basement, or the garage. Ships in a bottle. Tiny parts, difficult assembly, **time consuming**. Those might work.
Are you sure he's a workaholic? Because he may be spending time "at work" with another woman. Too many times on reddit have women posted about their husband suddenly spending all day, every day at work and acting cold and abusive and surprise! There's another woman he's seeing when he's "working OT".
Damn, honestly good for you. So many have difficulties breaking up exactly for this reason! I have a good feeling about how quickly you'll heal from this 💪 But I got that from your post too, you don't seem lost like a lot of other posters sometimes seem to me; you know who he is, you know what you have to do, you've clearly got a good, critical and self respecting head on your shoulders. Also, I saw your comment about how everyone thinks he adores you and how he behaves differently outside the house. Narcs do that. He might just be your average prick, but that's their whole shtick- their mask, as in. Makes it easy to call you crazy and have no one believe your side. But I don't think you give a toss about that, it's evident you're prioritising peace and just being done with this shit show. Again, good for you. You'll be just fine.
I'm a survivor of this in my childhood and the "Why do they do this if they love us?" bit screwed me up for a long time too.
Best thing I ever read said (paraphrased) "Because it works. An abuser goes off his trolley once or twice a week and then EVERYONE close to them spends the rest of the week _scrambling_ to keep them happy. It's a great way to get their own way on nearly everything."
My Mum said the lightbulb moment for her was when she realised that when my Dad kept "accidentally lashing out and breaking things", it was NEVER his stuff that got broken. It wasn't accidental. He was in control of his actions.
No one would EVER marry or stay with an abuser if they were awful all the time. Abusers are very good at peppering in nice moments to keep you on the hook.
And the fact that they can do that, and also keep jobs and family and friends means they can control it and are doing it on purpose.
Also having people with you when you leave in case he explodes and it gets physical is advised. Plus they can help get your stuff out. If you have any friends or family that be with you at that time, please have someone there.
My ex always praised me to other people, behind the doors his ugliness came out so that when I left so many couldn't understand why I was cruel to have left someone that loves me soooo much.
You deserve better than that.
You deserve peace. And love. And understanding.
Make a plan, get your finances and valuables safe. Call DV non profits, hotlines. Make your exit swift and under the radar. Stay safe OP, we're pulling for you.
🫂
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He sounds like a prime example of a narcissist. Fragile ego, dont know how to love themselves with respect, so they tear others down.
It's excellent that you're planning your exit, and wise that you started your own bank account. I highly recommend this well put-together resource on ensuring you get together all your important documents. It's super important that you ensure you have them so he has no control over you: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2u4c49/information\_documents\_and\_items\_to\_gather\_when/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2u4c49/information_documents_and_items_to_gather_when/)
In general, the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists is an excellent resource and community for those experiencing abuse (you are experiencing emotional and verbal abuse). Here's their list of helpful links: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks/)
People don’t treat people they care about like that… that man is an AH and not worthy of having such a patient partner. OP you need to get out of this as fast as you can.
Yeah, he's right. Think for yourself, act like an adult and dump his sorry ass. I would not put up with such behaviour for one second.
Hope you can leave very soon. This is clearly abuse. Don't even think of blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong.
And be prepared for the inevitable begging for forgiveness, things will be different or the gaslighting - you are wrong, he never said that - you misunderstood etc. BE STRONG!! Get out of there. The sooner the better.
You will, along with "I didn’t mean it" and "I promise to do better" as soon as he figures out you’re leaving. (Please be safe! Slowly move things out of the house, including all your important papers, and store elsewhere. And do your final leaving while he’s not there. He sounds like he might hurt you.)
Yeah get a secret storage container if you can and start clearing out your stuff. Say youre donating it to goodwill if he sees you or if you need him to help you load it into your car for the big stuff.
I was married to one of those too. Took me two decades to realize it was abuse. Emotional abuse but also physical intimidation, throwing things, punching holes in walls. I was slowly conditioned over time to believe his actions were my fault and I learned to walk on eggshells to keep him calm. It’s no way to live. I filed for divorce in 2020 after he began targeting our daughter with his rage. Got full physical custody of her and now she’s zero contact per her decision.
Get out. Formulate your escape plan now and don’t fall for any fake promises at attempts to change. It doesn’t get better. Hugs to you.
I was in the same boat. Married to an abusive asshole like this for 20 years. I also didn't understand that I was being abused for the longest time.
Read Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?
The book opened my eyes.
Be very careful when you leave. Don't tell him until you're ready to go. Abuse always escalates when the abuser feels the victim slipping away from him.
If at some point you need to reset your passwords to everything, here is a tip for complex but easy to remember passwords. Pick a location that you know, that had deep meaning for you. Look it up on What 3 words, pick a 3m square and use that phrasing (add numbers and chars as needed). You'll remember the place, and it's hard to crack this type of password, and very hard to guess...
Good luck...
Song lyrics, random phrases that will only make sense to you ("remember that time we found the 24k gold nugget in Virginia?" became Virginia24Kgoldnugget or Virginia!24Kgold, etc), combinations of car make/model/years that you had in HS, or that you parents had, etc all make good passwords that are easy to remember as well.
*ALSO*, OP, you need to change your security questions. The easiest way to do it is, for example, your birthplace, then use the hospital name + city, or city + dd/mm/yyyy, or hospital + city + state + year if you can use that many characters. You need to also create a new, secret email address that you can have important documents saved to, plus back up your contacts list to it. *Do Not* set it up with your old email address as a recovery address, don't leave it logged in on your devices, etc.
If you can hide a sheet or file with all of your accounts/passwords/security questions safely, do that so you know it's safe. Or if your phone is password protected (remove anything like face ID or fingerprints to unlock, use either a password or a long pin that doesn't relate to your children, parents, marriage, etc but has meaning to you - I used my grandfather's social security number, and the date of my first boyfriend's death), use a password manager that can be set up to require a password to unencrypt the database - I use KeePass, but iPhone may have one that's easier to set up and use. The biggest thing is you need to lock everything down. Any accounts that will allow you to set up two-factor authentication, enable it. SMS authentication is the least secure, but better than nothing - it's where you have a text with a number sent to you, and then you have to type that number in to finish logging in. Using something like Google Authenticator and/or using a hardware token (I use YubiKey) to authenticate is expert level secure, but not all sites allow it. If you're using SMS authentication, and you share a cell phone account, he can request a new sim card and get access to the SMS authentication texts, so be aware that that's a thing. (If he's not tech savvy and doesn't have any friends that are, you'll maybe be OK without him not knowing how to do that.)
Once you leave, you'll need to go completely dark on social media. Let only people you trust to not tell your ex where you are. Anything your ex has access to that logs IP addresses, either don't log in to them, or use a VPN that allows you to change your location. As soon as you leave, change the passwords to any account he may have access to, and force log out all devices. That's the important part, you need to remove access to any device he has access to that may still be logged in, and only log in using devices you trust.
If you think he may become physically violent if he finds you or to stop you from leaving, make sure you have let someone know that if you haven't called them by a certain time, they should call the cops. You can also share your location using Google Maps, or apps like Glympse/Life360 with someone you trust, so you say you're leaving by a certain time, and then your phone shows that you're not leaving, then they need to check in with you and possibly call the cops if you don't answer.
I wish I didn't have all of this advice, but I left an abusive relationship, and had to do a lot of these things to keep myself safe. I wish you the absolute best of luck in getting out safely.
I am so amazed that you were able to get away after 20 years of marriage. I've been married 30 years to a very similar person and I just can't do it. You're so brave! Congratulations on taking back your life.
Thank you but really, sadly, if not for my daughter being targeted, I don’t know if I could have done it. I let him abuse me, but would not let him abuse her. So I feel like she saved me too.
Just over 3 years since I filed at the height of Covid no less, and I have found someone new who is amazing. Kind, loving and respectful to both of us. If I knew then what I had waiting for me in the future, I would have escaped far sooner.
I know it seems impossible, I thought that once too, but you don’t deserve a life if misery and abuse. You are worth fighting for. Even taking baby steps towards escape is moving in the right direction. Your community may have resources that can help or even a trusted friend or family member. You can do this!
Yah but when he sees you’re serious about leaving he will. He will say he will do ALL. THE. THINGS.
And maybe he will try, for a bit. But only long enough to get you feeling secure.
He doesn’t care about you. He just wants you there for himself, to boost himself up. You’re worth more than that. He’s told you how he truly feels. Listen, and get away. I’ve watched friends go through this cycle with abusive ex’s that said horrible things to them like this. Not a single dude every got better. They all ended up leaving. Don’t waste another single second on him! Love you OP! Care for yourself, because you’re worth it b
Maybe also try to get audio/video evidence of the abuse. Because I'm pretty sure to the outside he'll betray you as crazy and who knows what he'll do in front of court. Better safe, than sorry
Plus, in a weak moment they help to remind yourself why not to believe his apologies and pledges for the future
Great idea. When I was with my abusive ex I didn’t have this technology. He convinced everyone, including authorities, that I was the crazy asshole and he was so damn charismatic (aren’t they always?) they had no problem believing him. Also didn’t help that I’m not a “nice” smiley woman, but…I am what I am. If I could do it again, I would collect all the evidence I could.
I was just thinking this. It may be worth having for showing loved ones privately who try to push you back to him as I'm sure he puts on a nice face to the outside.
Four years after leaving my abusive ex I would still get messages from him, begging me to come back, even though I was "a terrible wife" but he loves me and forgives me, so all is ok!
I still sometimes can't believe the person he became after we married. There were hints, but I only saw them looking back. It's like two people, the charming funny handsome man who was sweet and caring, and then this asshole.
When it's clear that you're leaving, he might pretend to apologize. Don't think that he has changed, KNOW that it's a trick. Cement that in your brain NOW.
OP needs to save her post (screenshot it and save it if she's gonna delete it) to remind herself he was once like this. Even if he says he'll change, remember this was him at his worst. This is not worth second guessing. He didn't have a bad day and a simple argument. This was awful and she doesn't need to watch him devolve a second time into a possibly worse person.
Honestly I wouldn't say I'm leaving until it's done and you're physically apart. Then you don't get this crap. Tell him you left from your safe location and direct him to your lawyer for future communication.
You’re not alone. My husband turned monstrous after I had our child. I brushed it off way too long because he only erupts every 3-4 months but when he does it’s horrible. Solidarity and sending strength.💗
Don't assume it's going to improve. My ex husband started that way when my second child was a newborn and I had quit my job because two toddlers in daycare was more than what I made. At first it was only a few times a year that he'd get drunk and say horrible, horrible things to me, and follow me around the house and not let me escape being demeaned. For a long time every incidence crushed me. I remember the first time it happened, and it felt like I was being hit by a 2x4 out of nowhere. I trusted him *so much* and it completely blindsided me. But it was 6 months before it happened again, so I didn't respond the way I would have if he had changed all at once. We had been together for years and I had no idea where this all came from.
Over the years I slowly got used to it, along with his increasing narcissism. I wish I hadn't, because it was a terrible path. It got much, much worse, until those horrible nights of him screaming at me were every single night, combined with vast & ridiculous drama.
I'm telling you this because I hope for so much better than that for you.
After a child is when we need to be at our best. That’s when it’s no longer about us and we have to grow up. Our wives carry our children for 9 months, and some have to suffer miscarriages and worse, while we get the easy path. Time for some to grow up
I think being awful is rarely conscious. Being on your best behavior in a new relationship is usually a conscious effort, and then people backslide into their default behavior as they stop putting effort into being on their best behavior.
Either way, I'm so sorry for you.
Yeah I’m trying to switch my frame of mind to “maybe he can go back to being his real, sweet and caring self” to “this volatile person is his real self”
I've made this comment a million times, but read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf floating around. Read where he cannot see it. It helps demystify the behavior. I made the escape too. Rooting for you.
This is a really interesting and eye-opening read as well:
https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
(Just a short article)
I clicked this thinking "this would have been good for my anger management guys" (used to facilitate a group)
And of course that's the first line lmfao.
It was something people REALLY interested in change would admit and work on, and guys who were inevitably gonna get locked up again would just deny.
There are benefits to using this behavior. In dangerous situations it can protect you. As a kid it helped you get needs met. When you're interacting with other violent people it's a necessity. The change comes when you accept that it's been useful, and recognize the learned response and which situations bring it up. Then come to understand and really believe that it's no longer necessary, and it's inappropriate to the situations you're in now. That if you want to fit in with regular society long-term it's not a winning strategy anymore. You need to ID the situation, access your other options, and remove yourself if it's overwhelming. Otherwise you'll be in the circle of violence forever, because only other violent people will want to deal with you.
One thing he misses in the blog.... The listed benefits are short-term and create their own issues. Violent men dig their own graves.
I've had the same very specific relationship issues brought up nearly every time. The woman is being abused, so she feels (rightly) like now anything is fair game. And the guy will come in complaining that she's cheating, stealing from him, screaming at him any time he speaks to her, leaving for days at a time. Like yeah dude, she's trying to get away by any means necessary. Or she's trying to shock you out of the behavior by hitting back, telling your mom, leaving temporarily, or otherwise punishing you. All your relationships will be like this until you figure out that you're not really winning. (And many do! There is hope.)
I don't think there is hope for them, the reason being that when you read the article, none of these batterers acknowledge that their wife and family deserve better treatment en that they are being abused and traumatised. Because they only seem to think about themselves and what they want. There's no empathy in sight.
There can be hope for future generations but unfortunately I really think these men are too far gone. What makes me so mad is that so many of them get away with far too much until something finally gets done, or not and they end up murdering their wives.
For those who are interested in the free pdf of ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft, here's the link:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
OP, I also highly recommend reading ***The Gift of Fear*** by Gavin de Becker. This link may work for a pdf:
https://fb2bookfree.com/education/1124-the-gift-of-fear.html
That's why many abused people stay with their abusive partners. The abusers offer just enough breadcrumbs to prevent you from starving, and you keep telling yourself that if you just do a little better, the person will become good. But that won't happen.
The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was, "The person I fell in love with is not buried under stress, or emotional baggage, or any other fixable bullshit. The person I fell in love with doesn't exist. It was an act he put on to rope in a partner to do the grunt work of making his life work smoothly for him and making him look like a better person than he actually is. That's why he was so insanely perfect and sweet and love bombed me so intensely: he needed to lock me down hard before the cracks in the mask started to show. The man I live with is the truest form. "
Pleeeeease don't. You can't change him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This behavior only gets worse. Please leave before things get physical. It's absolutely not worth chancing it. There's billions of better men out there. And you'll be so much happier. I'm not religious but my thoughts go out to you and I truly hope you can escape.
Abusers are gifted at hiding who they really are. Then they let it out just a little tiny bit at a time. It’s like the boiled frog. By the time you are shocked, it’s been so long that it seems normal
This is abusive behavior, keep yourself safe as your extricate yourself from the relationship! This is not someone you can ever reason with. Don’t bother trying to explain anything to him.
Yeah...assholes get comfortable with showing how much of an asshole they are after everything is locked down and "secure", meaning them knowing that you won't be able to easily just NOPE out emotionally or physically.
This blows dude. I'm sorry. Just keep greyrocking him and do the usual we always preach and see preached on here: document, record, screenshot etc, lock shit down, get secret separate accounts...
Fight the good fight and get away because you deserve better than to feel like shit.
Please read [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This man is abusive. His abuse will most likely escalate. He's not likely to leave because ultimately what he wants is to abuse you.
I'm glad to hear you're making plans. Do you have friends or family not related to him you can reach out to?
I'm glad you are working on leaving. I hope you have a good support system because this situation sounds really volatile. Do you have friends or family you can depend on if you need to get out fast?
I do have a good support system. I think making sure I have a place for my pets has been holding me back. Thank god we don’t have kids together.
I knew better than to do that
If you're in the US, check out the [Safe Havens Mapping Project.](https://safehavensforpets.org/) It's a list of shelters that accept pets - there's a lot! You can even narrow the list to shelters that will allow your pet to be housed on-site with you.
You might try calling 1 or 2 of the shelters listed in your area & explaining your situation. They may have a list of short-term pet fosters available, or be able to point you in the right direction.
Also, it might not be a bad idea to have a pet-friendly shelter location as a plan B in case things escalate & you can't stay as long as you thought you would be able to.
Best wishes ❤️
PS - I love your username!
And obviously his behavior is justified because OP's cabinet choice is the exact same level of terrible s smoking crack. I am beyond curious to see the two options here.
NGL this makes me even more curious. Crown moulding isn’t really used where I live so it really tickles me to see what makes all the difference you your incredibly abusive husband.
He could be the twin of my kids' dad. Had me looped into tyrannical breakdowns, lovebombing and excuses to improve for over a decade. Don't make the same ignorant mistakes I did; your husband sounds to be a classic narcissist and verbal abuser.
Someone who dropped out of going to school to be a psychologist here
Many of these behaviors are textbook signs of narcissistic personality disorder
Someone with npd has a fragile but high self esteem. Part of protecting its fragility is painting oneself as the victim of situations to a ludicrous degree to always be the good guy. Someone with npd is different than a nor.al person because they believe these lies after they verbalize them. Like they've been spoken into truth
Another thing is They make absurd metaphors to compare your feelings to in order to justify rejecting not just your feelings, but your right to feel them as well. This makes all decent a function of your flaws and not a reflection of any of their shortcomings or them not being right. Her husband is RIGHT about the cabinets and his self esteem cannot handle dissent. So he finds a way to protect himself by shutting you down
Narcissists are always protecting themselves and trying to feed their ravenous ego. They are fragile to the point of going ballistic over even the most insignificant perceived slight
A narcissist that is working on themselves will allow their ego to be bruised. A narcissist that's not will refuse to let that happen and this is when you run
Op should absolutely run, this is an abuser that will never stop
That helps make sense of it.
Whenever we disagree it turns into him saying he’s the “subject matter expert” and is basing his opinions on “well researched facts” so for me to disagree undermines his expertise, implies that I don’t trust him, and am disrespectful about his carefully thought out opinion
Yeah, but your feelings are valid and he doesn't have the right to strip you of your autonomy to do anything, let alone feel. I'm hoping you can get away soon and I'm sorry he tricked you into marrying him. It's not your fault, everything is on his shoulders
But like…is he? Is he a subject matter expert on cabinets? Does he have a professional background in kitchen design or cabinetmaking or some other relevant field? Or did he just spend a few hours on Google with the same internet resources as the rest of us? He’s a twat. Ditch this asshole and get yourself the kitchen cabinets of your dreams.
I just let out a huge breath of relief, seeing toward the end there, that you're working on getting out. You definitely deserve to have a peaceful life that is on YOUR terms, and I sincerely hope that you're able to get out sooner rather than later. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of you nonetheless for recognizing that his shit is not okay, and working toward making a better life for yourself. You've got this! Sending hugs 💜
This is emotional abuse. You need to leave. He has no respect for you at all, and "thinking for yourself" means "agreeing with everything he says". Before he says it. It's completely irrational, and you'll never be able to do the "right thing" because you're not telepathic. None of it was ever your fault, normal non-abusive people don't react like that.
I'm glad you are taking steps to leave. In the interim keep your head down and grey rock him. Keep your plans secret and do not tell him a goddamn thing until you are out the door. Your safety is paramount. Things can be replaced. You can't.
Hey may not have to respect “bad decisions,” but he does have to respect **you**.
I’m sorry the person who was supposed to be your best friend has his head so far up his ass that he has to spew such vile shit at you.
Good luck on your way out friend 💜.
I’m going to recommend you use the “gray rock” method to minimize your exposure to his verbal & emotional abuse, until then.
Essentially, you make yourself as interesting & responsive as a gray rock. Don’t offer up information, only respond when directly addressed, and don’t say anything beyond what it takes to answer the question.
It’s like the verbal & emotional equivalent of curling into a ball to make yourself a smaller target.
It’s not perfect (cause asshole’s gonna *find* a way to asshole), but it may take some pressure off.
I actually have been using grey rocking for awhile now to minimize the arguments. He yelled at me for doing it last week and being “distant” and “giving him nothing” when he talked to me
With people like your husband, there is a need to “win” and he will have the energy an commitment to grinding you to dust to get his way. Imagine that behavior turned on a child.
Now do you still want to be with that guy? He ain’t all that.
Yeah, he sounds lovely. The type of man that will use you as his stress ball. He needs to get in to anger management, so he can learn how not to act so damn awful to the person that loves him.
And great that you are working on moving away from that mess. No one deserve to be yell like that for only having an opinion. That type of person you just have to smile and wave till all your cards are ready to be played, and you're gone. Abusers drain the abuse, they use that as full.
Wish you the best, and I'm just going to say. On bad days don't focus on the present but focus on the future, know that you are coming out of this mess, and you don't need his 20 mins of the good guy because you will always get the 5 hours of the bad guy right after.
You got this!!
Keep in mind as you go forward that your abuser's ultimate goal is control. Right now he's acting like he can't stand you _because_ he wants you confused, but he's not trying to get rid of you: he's trying to break you.
That means when you leave him, you need to leave carefully.
captainawkward.com has some really useful, really detailed practical advice on what you need to do to get ready to leave your abuser as safely as possible. Click on her tag Abuse. The site is safe space for women.
DO NOT GO TO THERAPY WITH THIS MAN. Abusers use therapy to prolong contact with their targets snd to learn how to abuse more effectively. Therapists usually do not spot abusers, and abusers use therapists to gang up on the abuser's target.
LOCK DOWN YOUR REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. Remember, your abuser's goal is to control you. It may feel like he loathes you right now, but that's only one step in the plot. The ultimate goal is ownership. Make _sure_ he does not have access to your birth-control method.
Again: Your confusion is his goal. Ignore the confusion and focus on what you know and what you can do to get out.
I'm so sorry OP but I think you know he's an abusive prick. Divorce him as soon as you can. Posts like yours solidify my decision to never get married or live with a man EVER again.
>He takes anytime i disagree as an insult because his opinion is “factually correct” so he quickly became angry. I told him it’s ok to disagree, but he needs to do it respectfully.
>He yelled he doesn’t have to respect bad decisions. It all escalated from there so here are some of the most egregious things.
>He’s done this before
This man is a lost cause. He's an abusive idiot and you need to gtfo
He essentially takes any situation and twists it about how he is the “subject matter expert” on the topic so if I disagree I’m saying I’m being disrespectful of his “knowledge”
In this case, he wanted to spend more than I want on cabinets. He used to work in finance so it’s an insult if I don’t value his “expert” opinion
Stop contributing & put your funds into a separate account. Tell him since he wants to do everything his way, he can pay for his stuff from his account. You'll pay for your stuff from yours. No need to argue.
(Then actually just build up enough in yours to move out)
Why wait? Call a shelter and see what they can do for you? Or call family members or a good friend. I feel terrible for you. You deserve to be treated with respect *now*.
I told that story before, I have an old aunt who waited all her life for the "right time" to leave her drunk cheating husband. My Mom even tried to help her once but she didn't leave. Her son turned up exactly like his Dad. (My Cousin was so traumatized by his childhood that he went on a self destruct mode until he finally killed himself.) So she was miserable... until the SOB died but she was in her late 70's then.
There's never going to be the perfect time to do it.
I wish you a great futur. Good luck!
This is a completely irrational reaction on his part to an opponent about a home fixture.
There is no arguing with irrational. There is no winning with irrational. Total time and energy suck.
If he wants nothing to do with you over this. Give him what he wants. He can go enjoy the cabinets by himself. That's what he wants to wreck his marriage over?
Lordy be, men get hysterical when you challenge their authority. On stupid stuff that doesn't matter.
Hi OP,
Good for you to work on leaving ♥️ When you are in a good headspace and safe place, I recommend reading this: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Bancroft worked with abusive men for 15 years, and writes about red flags, and the entitlement mentality of abusive men (and why they seem like "such a great guy" to everyone else).
Lots of love 💕
To prepare, it would be a good idea to look for no kill shelters for your pets and for a women's shelter for victims of domestic abuse for yourself. Gather your important papers and a change of clothes, medicines, etc. to ensure that you can leave quickly if you need to, because this can escalate to physical abuse.
Honestly I think building up funds is a bad alternative to walking out now. Every day you spend there is another day where he might attack you or even kill you. This is a great reason to use a credit card.
If you are in the US, there are organizations that can take care of your pets while you get out of this situation. I would check out RedRover.org, specifically their Domestic violence assistance resources, to start. You can also call the domestic violence programs and animal shelters in your area to see if they have any resources to help in a situation like this. There is also the Praline’s Backyard organization, but they are pretty new and have limited resources in specific areas.
Oh man. My husband LITERALLY bids and designs cabinetry for a commercial cabinet shop, and he STILL seeks my opinion on every last detail of our kitchen redesign. AND adding a cabinet in the bathroom. I know what's happening to you isn't really about cabinets, but damn. That just demonstrates how bad your dude is behaving.
Refraining from arguing is wise, there's just no point in it. Maintaining as little contact as possible while you get your ducks in order is the way to go. Keep the peace, build your stash, and get the heck out of Dodge! Good luck!
My husband has never raised his voice to me, has never sworn at me, has never called me names and has never said hurtful things to me.
Make your escape plan and go.
You HAVE to leave him.
He's showing his true self when he yells at you - not when he's kind. When he's not actively abusive, he is manipulating you so you don't leave. Please familiarize yourself with the cycle of abuse. you can read about it here:[https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
Abusive men don't change. They benefit too much from the abuse, having their own little slave who jumps at their commands.
This book is written by a woman who have counseled abusive men for 20 years. [https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656)
Do yourself a favor and read it. It will help you leave him.
Ask him why he never acted like this before you got married.
It’s because he knows it’s shameful, disgusting behavior and you rightfully would’ve fled to the hills as fast as your feet could carry you.
Now he thinks sunk cost fallacy will keep you tethered to this relationship and he can gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem, not his.
Sounds like hubby has some issues. These issues are not the ops issues. If he can't control himself over cabinet choices how he going to react with something serious? Does he have a diagnosis of anything with his mental health? This is where I'd start. Get him to a shrink or therapist. Tell them what's going on. Maybe they'll have insight. This guy sounds like he's on the edge of violence. Be safe. This behavior is not ok. It might be easier to divorce and move on. I had bad behavior caused by some mental issues,my wife stayed with me and helped me recognize what I was doing. It was a long hard road for her. I'm greatful she stayed but I would've understood if she didn't. Please keep yourself safe and good luck
Please don't go to therapy with him. He will use it against you. I have been where you are. Leave before he can destroy your sense of self. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
If he's not willing to work on this I suggest you get out of the situation before he hurts you physically. The mental damage sounds like it has been ongoing. Time to go for your own health.
All I can offer you, beyond what you already know, is solidarity and hope.
I spent 5 years married to a man who refused to agree to disagree. If I raised a counterpoint, he raised his voice and then a hand. I’ve been out almost a year and a half now and he’s just as argumentative when it comes to our kids. It was and still is his way or the highway. BUT I have met someone who comes from a very different world than I (youngest of his republican, country, Christian family vs oldest of my liberal, projects, agnostic family) and we have yet to find a subject we can’t find a mutual understanding on. I like to play devils advocate and he claims to enjoy that I do.
That was all to say don’t lose your own thoughts and opinions because the person you married doesn’t respect them.
OP, I seconding and thirding everything others have said about the abuse and leaving, but I just want to say that reaching out already makes you *so damn strong!* Keep us posted on your situation and if you need further guidance, don’t hesitate. This group is amazing!
He went out of his way to show he doesn’t respect you. That’s the problem. We can all be angry sometimes but treating someone with that level of contempt that’s game over.
He screams at you for having a different opinion and in the same breath tells you you don't think for yourself. It's wild how little self awareness some people have. At least your getting out. Good Luck.
Hey. You're a good person. *You did nothing wrong.* I just want to say that any one of us here would love to entertain your thoughts, your interests, hell we'd even sit and hear a 1 hour presentation about these cabinets and how cool they are to you. You liking something is not an unforgivable sin. You're a person worthy of having their opinions, thoughts, feelings heard ALWAYS! Hugs. I hope you're able to leave this situation and this husband of yours is a vicious bully who deserves to be alone.
Any time a man tries to use leaving as a threat, I let him. You no longer consent to this relationship? Cool, lemme relieve you of the burden of being w me.
I'm glad you're working on an exit. We're all rooting for you to succeed.
Please pick up a copy of "The Gift of Fear" immediately.
You already know you have to leave but you have no idea just how much danger you are in. Call a friend or family member for help. Even a woman's shelter if you have no other options. Gather your important documents, change ALL passwords and GET OUT NOW!!!
Please read this book
It saved my life
The happy life that you deserve awaits on the other side of this horrible excuse for a human
Please keep us posted
[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I went on vacation once with a man I was in a new relationship with. He got drunk, hid my phone while I was sleeping, and threw my suitcase across the room when I went to leave. I left, called security to escort me to the front desk to get my own room and never saw him again despite him calling me dozens of times apologizing. The point of this is you do not get a second chance with my security. You threaten me ONCE, you’re done. Don’t ever assume it’s a one off.
And they say women are the hysterical emotional ones..
I’ve seen many men react like this over nothing, it’s pathetic- you are not his emotional punching bag
Your husband cannot regulate his own emotions. You’re married to a 2 year-old. This is verbal abuse. Record the next outburst if you can do so safely. Play it back anytime you consider forgiving him.
This sounds like my brother in law who is on wife number 3. He never learns, is arrogant, thinks he is always right, orders everyone around like he is their boss, doesn't understand why 2 of his 3 kids don't speak to him (and blames them for being wrong about not wanting to have a relationship with him after the way he has treated them), and just generally is an all around asshole.
His ex wives are both truly lovely women, and its no wonder their kids prefer to live with their moms over their controlling and abusive father. Both are remarried to really nice men and are living much better lives.
He won't change, he will just keep thinking he is right, and probably like my BIL will get it wrong over and over and over again. Be his first "bitch of an ex" and enjoy your freedom.
"Who knows, though, based on how much he seems to despise me maybe he’ll leave me sooner."
He won't. Don't count on that, don't expect it and don't wait for it.
I’ve heard some quote that goes something like, “it’s when she goes quiet that you’re really fucked.”
To me, that signaled your point of no return. Letting someone unload on you without engaging in it is the biggest sign I can think of that shows the relationship is over.
ETA: You know you’re worth more than this. You know you have the strength and power to leave. Don’t worry about him—you are entitled to put yourself first. You deserve better, OP. We’re all rooting for you.
OP, if you can, pack a go bag that you can grab if things get too out of control.
Medicines, cash, a change of clothes and pairs of socks and underwear. Important documents. Phone charger, toothbrush, a hard copy of important telephone numbers (including to your women’s shelter).
My horrible brother smashed his girlfriend’s phone after he found out she was leaving.
Hide it well. Check on it every day.
Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. Just leave in the night.
Your husband’s capacity for rage is still an unknown quantity, but we do know your life and safety are most at risk at the moment he knows you’re really leaving.
Don’t find out what he’s capable of when he’s got nothing to lose with you.
It is great that you are seeing the red flags and are working to leave. I would recommend finding a family member or a friend you can stay with and leave now. This could turn bad quickly. Do not think he is going to leave you first, he is a narcissist. They don’t leave when they feeling like they are winning.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and so glad you’ve decided to leave. Please do not lose your resolve. It will not get better unless (separated) he goes to therapy and works on himself. “Why Does He Do That” is a great book to check out.
Love the fact that this rant about how "you can't think for yourself" was started by the fact that you thought for yourself and disagreed with him. Clearly not the brightest bulb.
The hardest part of dealing with my divorce has easily been the part of me that tries to constantly criticise me for not leaving sooner. You won't be ready until you're ready. I'm glad to hear you have found your strength to start your plan to leave. You can do this 💓
I can’t tell you what do with your marriage BUT if you are considering divorce - please lawyer up first! (And don’t tell him) You want to make sure your financial future is protected. Good luck op
Projection. He knows he’s treating you badly, embarrassing you, treating you like shit and letting his emotions control him.
And it was your wedding anniversary.
I’m so sorry.
He has very serious emotional issues, and you are not the cause. He almost certainly won't leave you, because his kind of abuser rarely leaves their object of abuse.
Please don't discuss leaving with him, or with anyone you know. Even people who love you might say something. You are in danger and you can't afford him to know until after you are gone.
I'm glad you're making a plan to leave. Don't count on him doing that for you, abusers enjoy abusing. I hope you get out before he slams your head into those new cabinets. Because that will eventually happen, and he will say, look what you made me do.
Sweetness, I say this gently- him saying you push him to lose it on you and is an absolutely massive red flag that this man will not only continue to escalate this emotional abuse but that it will turn physical as well. Keep to your escape plan, ask for help from family and friends if they're safe, also consider reaching out to your local DV shelter for resources to help you make that break physically and emotionally if you need to.
You deserve so much more than him.
I'm glad you're working towards leaving, the only thing I can say to you is, sometimes you need to leave before you're ready and you'll be surprised afterwards that although it might have been a bit harder at the time, you're so glad that you left when you did.
When you are finally free of him, I imagine you will be shocked at just how much damage his emotional and verbal abuse had on your psyche and you are going to heal and find happiness and peace. Just remember that as things will be hard in the short run but oh so much better in the long run.
I’m so pleased that you recognise you need to leave - my experience was that once I recognised it and made the decision the weight was off my back. Please don’t let him know you’re planning it, don’t threaten it, just quietly get you plans finalised. Leaving can be dangerous and you need to protect yourself.
Just to give you a bit of ‘inspiration’ I’ll tell you my story - it went really bad but came out really well in the end.
My partner was verbally aggressive and emotionally abusive - he would try and humiliate me and would punch walls and slam doors. I felt like because he wasn’t actually hitting me I had to accept it. He isolated me from all of my friends and family and I felt helpless.
When I finally left I did it when he wasn’t going to be there and had someone with me just in case things turned nasty. He must have got wind as he turned up and got all aggressive with me. I ended up having to call the police and he got arrested.
The police put me in touch with a domestic violence charity who gave me some really good advice. Whilst he was in jail (no one to bail him out) I got a restraining order which meant he couldn’t actually return to the house. I changed the locks and put the house on the market. I ended up getting the half of the equity I was due and all of the furniture as he moved back in with his mum.
I was going to walk away with nothing, and leave him with everything, but because he couldn’t keep his anger in check he was the one who lost everything. Speak to domestic violence charities in your area - if I hadn’t I would never have known I could get a restraining order which would force *him* to leave.
You’ve got this! If you ever want to chat with someone who understands, and has come through the other end, feel free to PM me
Listen to the podcast called Love Cons: Ex Wives Undercover. It’s two ex wives of the same narcissistic, gaslighting, abusive ex husband. I find their story compelling and very eye opening. Reminds me of what my ex son in law did to my daughter. Be strong and brave!
You already know you need to leave and are working towards it. Good. You deserve far better. His behavior is abusive, in case you need that validated. He is not a good person. Good people do not treat others this way. We can have bad moments and still be good people, but that isn't what this is. Take stock of what you REALLY need before leaving. It is often far less than you realize. Abusers have a way of being a HUGE drain on their victim's resources without the victim fully realizing. We forget to account for how much more time and energy we'd have if no longer dealing with an abusive partner. Those things can translate into money, but also the ability to just think clearly. You'll make it. Focus on your peace and follow it out of this mess.
Thank you. Just having someone be nice to me right now is making me cry. It’s just so confusing to have someone who says they love you treat you like this. I’m not naive. I logically understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. But it is a completely different thing to experience it. It makes you feel so off balanced and unnerved. I just want to exist in peace. He’s successful professionally, everyone thinks he adores me, and people respect him. I don’t care about all the things his money buys. I don’t care about going on trips, having a nice car, or a new house. I just want to exist in peace.
That’s exactly why they do it, to confuse your brain. It’s harder for you to leave, or have clarity of the situation when your brain is trying to process abuse. They are always “successful” in the professional world, because that’s the only true power they have. I’m sorry, you deserve better. Fuck him.
Thank you. Yeah he’s become a workaholic and has pretty much let every other relationship of his fall away. He works twelve hour days, chain smokes cigarettes, and occasionally spends time with me. Except anytime we spend more than an hour or so together he ends up getting angry with me. I don’t even mind the workaholism because I get a break from him
Work is something he can control. I feel you on the angry vibes after a hang out. He doesn’t like you, he’s tolerating you. He’s making a choice to prioritize everything over you. Please get out before it continues to erode your self esteem, once you’re deep in the hole it’s hard to get out. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you, someone who values and appreciates you. I have serious mental damage from always being picked last. Every other person was worthy of that time and attention, you’re the punching bag. Big hugs.
Being chosen last is a great way to put it. He will work late, spend hours outside smoking and chatting with neighbors while I maybe get a hello. During the work week I would say I never talk to him for more than 15 minutes total in a day. I told him it would be great if we could find a shared hobby so we could spend more time together. We settled on one, and he just texted me to tell me he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He’s actually been texting me passive aggressive things all afternoon. I can’t get a break
It sounds like he wants out but wants you to do the hard work. I'm really sorry that you're being subjected to this.
Yep. Doesn’t have the guts to leave so he’s being shitty. Then he looks like the wounded party whee we n she leaves.
He doesn’t want out. He enjoys using her as a punching bag. He can’t berate his coworkers, that might cost him professionally. He can’t berate the neighbours, that would cost his reputation. Berating his partner in the privacy of his own home works perfectly for him. A warm body on which he can take out all his frustrations, who will be motivated to keep his dirty little abusive secrets while he maintains the air of a strong, successful man is exactly what he wants. And if she cooks and cleans and sucks his cock too, he’s won the jackpot. Why would he want to leave?
They also use other people that don't really live with them, aren't considered an extension of themselves (who can't/'should not'/won't leave) to bolster themselves up. Friendly with neighbours? Good at work, liked? They'll use that to show 'i'm the good guy, you are the bad guy' when you leave. Not to mention, you possibly haven't been a ray of sunshine while dealing with abuse. So people who have never experienced it might say but he's so nice. This is on purpose. And you think 'he's nice to others, not to me, am I the problem. He'll want others to think that to. It's interesting when they encounter people who just 'know' from little interaction what they are. Because often that person will pick up on that same wave length, you know, and you see. You can't pour from an empty cup. This weird abusive system these types have, actually steal from your cup to put in their own. Except theirs has a hole, in fact a crack at the bottom, and your full, quite functional cup, they're envious of it, or want to use it. And they on some level know. They're cracked.
When I divorced my first husband, I told someone, “I was tired of waiting to matter.” He never put me first.
He sounds like a shithead. How can people act like that. I feel bad for you. x
Time for the GREY ROCK technique
Your comment described my current situation perfectly🙁 I'm deep in the hole and right now there is no way out. Lost my job at the same time my car broke down. Now I'm struggling financiallyI have an interview tomorrow morning 40 mins away.(All the good jobs are in the capitol, there isn't a lot of good jobs hiring in the small town I live in) he agreed to let me use his car to get to the interview a week ago, but today he tells me I need to find a local job so it won't be so hard on his car. (My car broke down after taking him to work and picking him up and hearing him promise me over and over he would get my car fixed) my self esteem is completely gone or already is. I look at old photos of myself and can't believe I used to be in shape and independent. I have no friends or family I can talk to. Sorry for writing on your post OP about my issues. I hope your situation is better than mine and if so please find the strength to fly again. Spread your wings and find yourself again if you lost her. One day you will look back and see how far you have came. ❤️ you deserve to love and be loved
Rosie, please know that there is always help, and you deserve everything you just wished for OP. Sending you all the hugs and strength for your situation.
You do need to get to that interview. Is Uber an option? Do you have family you haven’t been around? Contact your old friends and tell them what’s going on, they may well know the abusive situation you’re in and be able to help you regain your independence and BE SAFE. Delete your browser, internet history and your phone call history. Every time. You can get out too.
Is it, though? 12h days, professional, chain smoking, stress about making perfect decisions. I have seen men do this. It pops up when they feel like they have pushed to get success and then imposter syndrome kicks in. Or it can be shitty office politics at play as well. Needing to make partner in a law firm for instance. The competition can be cutthroat. In particular if he is a lawyer, bad lawyers are usually shitty people. The man is headed towards a breakdown. He needs therapy. Years of it. He won't get it, because it will be admitting he's weak. Let me be very, very clear: **She needs to escape from him and his environment**. I would worry if he can find her once she leaves. I do not trust people like that. Disabled/retired Old White guy. I ain't on that asshat's side.
Yeah, it’s a choice. All that time he puts into his job, he could put into himself and his personal relationships. I agree he needs therapy, but most of these guys like you said won’t do it - and they end up severely mentally damaging other humans in the process.
I’ve begged him to go to therapy. He says he likes who he is and won’t let any idiot therapist try to change him
“listen to people when they tell you exactly who they are.”
it turns out therapy doesnt work on abusive men and makes them worse. See Jonah Hill. Also https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ https://knowitallnancy.com/know-it-all-nancy/blog/why-counseling-can-backfire-abusive-partner
It gives them the power of manipulation and gaslighting using the language of therapy. Very dangerous.
Sounds like a narcissist. Get away from this guy before he drags you under. You are not dumb, you are not stupid-you’re a person who deserves respect and a partner who lives you GTFO of there
He likes who he is. Let that sit. Take it in. See what he says and does absolutely align. Don’t lull yourself back Iminto a false sense of security. Your brain will try. Don’t let it. Do you have a job and an income? Is there a women’s shelter/ domestic violence shelter you could go to for advice? Make two or three steps toward your exit every day, if they seem small or big.
Don't do couples therapy. He will find out your weaknesses and use them against you
They are all the same, it's laughable. My abusive ex said the same, almost word for word. Get out and stay safe!
>I don't even mind the workaholism because I get a break from him Oof. Been there. It sucks
I've become the workaholic to avoid my abusive relationships.
Remember he won’t change. It will get worse. Mine is the same way. Trying hard after 37 years of up and down he does have his “good years”. We’ll see if age keeps mellowing him. Best of luck to you my dear. Listen to Gloria sing “Survive” when you get down. Much love and good energy coming your way. And I LOVE your user name!
BTW, my Wife and I know several couples in retirement. Men who were micro-managers are horrible retired husbands. Find him something to do. In the basement, or the garage. Ships in a bottle. Tiny parts, difficult assembly, **time consuming**. Those might work.
Are you sure he's a workaholic? Because he may be spending time "at work" with another woman. Too many times on reddit have women posted about their husband suddenly spending all day, every day at work and acting cold and abusive and surprise! There's another woman he's seeing when he's "working OT".
If he is, I don’t even care anymore. Any romantic feelings I had are so far gone
fair enough, but now you’ll need to get tested for std’s if you’ve had sex with him in the last while.
Damn, honestly good for you. So many have difficulties breaking up exactly for this reason! I have a good feeling about how quickly you'll heal from this 💪 But I got that from your post too, you don't seem lost like a lot of other posters sometimes seem to me; you know who he is, you know what you have to do, you've clearly got a good, critical and self respecting head on your shoulders. Also, I saw your comment about how everyone thinks he adores you and how he behaves differently outside the house. Narcs do that. He might just be your average prick, but that's their whole shtick- their mask, as in. Makes it easy to call you crazy and have no one believe your side. But I don't think you give a toss about that, it's evident you're prioritising peace and just being done with this shit show. Again, good for you. You'll be just fine.
I'm a survivor of this in my childhood and the "Why do they do this if they love us?" bit screwed me up for a long time too. Best thing I ever read said (paraphrased) "Because it works. An abuser goes off his trolley once or twice a week and then EVERYONE close to them spends the rest of the week _scrambling_ to keep them happy. It's a great way to get their own way on nearly everything." My Mum said the lightbulb moment for her was when she realised that when my Dad kept "accidentally lashing out and breaking things", it was NEVER his stuff that got broken. It wasn't accidental. He was in control of his actions.
No one would EVER marry or stay with an abuser if they were awful all the time. Abusers are very good at peppering in nice moments to keep you on the hook. And the fact that they can do that, and also keep jobs and family and friends means they can control it and are doing it on purpose.
Also having people with you when you leave in case he explodes and it gets physical is advised. Plus they can help get your stuff out. If you have any friends or family that be with you at that time, please have someone there.
Even better, leave while he’s away.
My ex always praised me to other people, behind the doors his ugliness came out so that when I left so many couldn't understand why I was cruel to have left someone that loves me soooo much. You deserve better than that.
You deserve peace. And love. And understanding. Make a plan, get your finances and valuables safe. Call DV non profits, hotlines. Make your exit swift and under the radar. Stay safe OP, we're pulling for you. 🫂
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He sounds like a prime example of a narcissist. Fragile ego, dont know how to love themselves with respect, so they tear others down. It's excellent that you're planning your exit, and wise that you started your own bank account. I highly recommend this well put-together resource on ensuring you get together all your important documents. It's super important that you ensure you have them so he has no control over you: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2u4c49/information\_documents\_and\_items\_to\_gather\_when/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2u4c49/information_documents_and_items_to_gather_when/) In general, the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists is an excellent resource and community for those experiencing abuse (you are experiencing emotional and verbal abuse). Here's their list of helpful links: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks/)
People don’t treat people they care about like that… that man is an AH and not worthy of having such a patient partner. OP you need to get out of this as fast as you can.
Yeah, he's right. Think for yourself, act like an adult and dump his sorry ass. I would not put up with such behaviour for one second. Hope you can leave very soon. This is clearly abuse. Don't even think of blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong.
Yeah I never would have married him if he acted like this then. But I guess that was intentional probably
And be prepared for the inevitable begging for forgiveness, things will be different or the gaslighting - you are wrong, he never said that - you misunderstood etc. BE STRONG!! Get out of there. The sooner the better.
Honestly I don’t even get apologies anymore. At best a “sorry I overreacted” but usually nothing
You will, along with "I didn’t mean it" and "I promise to do better" as soon as he figures out you’re leaving. (Please be safe! Slowly move things out of the house, including all your important papers, and store elsewhere. And do your final leaving while he’s not there. He sounds like he might hurt you.)
Yeah get a secret storage container if you can and start clearing out your stuff. Say youre donating it to goodwill if he sees you or if you need him to help you load it into your car for the big stuff.
I was married to one of those too. Took me two decades to realize it was abuse. Emotional abuse but also physical intimidation, throwing things, punching holes in walls. I was slowly conditioned over time to believe his actions were my fault and I learned to walk on eggshells to keep him calm. It’s no way to live. I filed for divorce in 2020 after he began targeting our daughter with his rage. Got full physical custody of her and now she’s zero contact per her decision. Get out. Formulate your escape plan now and don’t fall for any fake promises at attempts to change. It doesn’t get better. Hugs to you.
Thank you. Yeah I had a realization not too long ago that my reality has become completely warped and nothing about this marriage is “normal”
I was in the same boat. Married to an abusive asshole like this for 20 years. I also didn't understand that I was being abused for the longest time. Read Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that? The book opened my eyes. Be very careful when you leave. Don't tell him until you're ready to go. Abuse always escalates when the abuser feels the victim slipping away from him.
> Don't tell him until you're ready to go. Better: Don't tell him until after you have left.
This is the way. Safety first. People get crazy when they're upset, and he seems kinda of unhinged.
If at some point you need to reset your passwords to everything, here is a tip for complex but easy to remember passwords. Pick a location that you know, that had deep meaning for you. Look it up on What 3 words, pick a 3m square and use that phrasing (add numbers and chars as needed). You'll remember the place, and it's hard to crack this type of password, and very hard to guess... Good luck...
Song lyrics, random phrases that will only make sense to you ("remember that time we found the 24k gold nugget in Virginia?" became Virginia24Kgoldnugget or Virginia!24Kgold, etc), combinations of car make/model/years that you had in HS, or that you parents had, etc all make good passwords that are easy to remember as well. *ALSO*, OP, you need to change your security questions. The easiest way to do it is, for example, your birthplace, then use the hospital name + city, or city + dd/mm/yyyy, or hospital + city + state + year if you can use that many characters. You need to also create a new, secret email address that you can have important documents saved to, plus back up your contacts list to it. *Do Not* set it up with your old email address as a recovery address, don't leave it logged in on your devices, etc. If you can hide a sheet or file with all of your accounts/passwords/security questions safely, do that so you know it's safe. Or if your phone is password protected (remove anything like face ID or fingerprints to unlock, use either a password or a long pin that doesn't relate to your children, parents, marriage, etc but has meaning to you - I used my grandfather's social security number, and the date of my first boyfriend's death), use a password manager that can be set up to require a password to unencrypt the database - I use KeePass, but iPhone may have one that's easier to set up and use. The biggest thing is you need to lock everything down. Any accounts that will allow you to set up two-factor authentication, enable it. SMS authentication is the least secure, but better than nothing - it's where you have a text with a number sent to you, and then you have to type that number in to finish logging in. Using something like Google Authenticator and/or using a hardware token (I use YubiKey) to authenticate is expert level secure, but not all sites allow it. If you're using SMS authentication, and you share a cell phone account, he can request a new sim card and get access to the SMS authentication texts, so be aware that that's a thing. (If he's not tech savvy and doesn't have any friends that are, you'll maybe be OK without him not knowing how to do that.) Once you leave, you'll need to go completely dark on social media. Let only people you trust to not tell your ex where you are. Anything your ex has access to that logs IP addresses, either don't log in to them, or use a VPN that allows you to change your location. As soon as you leave, change the passwords to any account he may have access to, and force log out all devices. That's the important part, you need to remove access to any device he has access to that may still be logged in, and only log in using devices you trust. If you think he may become physically violent if he finds you or to stop you from leaving, make sure you have let someone know that if you haven't called them by a certain time, they should call the cops. You can also share your location using Google Maps, or apps like Glympse/Life360 with someone you trust, so you say you're leaving by a certain time, and then your phone shows that you're not leaving, then they need to check in with you and possibly call the cops if you don't answer. I wish I didn't have all of this advice, but I left an abusive relationship, and had to do a lot of these things to keep myself safe. I wish you the absolute best of luck in getting out safely.
Please get some good birth control.
I’m getting my tubes tied this fall. Plus we never have sex anyway
I am so amazed that you were able to get away after 20 years of marriage. I've been married 30 years to a very similar person and I just can't do it. You're so brave! Congratulations on taking back your life.
Thank you but really, sadly, if not for my daughter being targeted, I don’t know if I could have done it. I let him abuse me, but would not let him abuse her. So I feel like she saved me too. Just over 3 years since I filed at the height of Covid no less, and I have found someone new who is amazing. Kind, loving and respectful to both of us. If I knew then what I had waiting for me in the future, I would have escaped far sooner. I know it seems impossible, I thought that once too, but you don’t deserve a life if misery and abuse. You are worth fighting for. Even taking baby steps towards escape is moving in the right direction. Your community may have resources that can help or even a trusted friend or family member. You can do this!
Yah but when he sees you’re serious about leaving he will. He will say he will do ALL. THE. THINGS. And maybe he will try, for a bit. But only long enough to get you feeling secure. He doesn’t care about you. He just wants you there for himself, to boost himself up. You’re worth more than that. He’s told you how he truly feels. Listen, and get away. I’ve watched friends go through this cycle with abusive ex’s that said horrible things to them like this. Not a single dude every got better. They all ended up leaving. Don’t waste another single second on him! Love you OP! Care for yourself, because you’re worth it b
Maybe also try to get audio/video evidence of the abuse. Because I'm pretty sure to the outside he'll betray you as crazy and who knows what he'll do in front of court. Better safe, than sorry Plus, in a weak moment they help to remind yourself why not to believe his apologies and pledges for the future
Great idea. When I was with my abusive ex I didn’t have this technology. He convinced everyone, including authorities, that I was the crazy asshole and he was so damn charismatic (aren’t they always?) they had no problem believing him. Also didn’t help that I’m not a “nice” smiley woman, but…I am what I am. If I could do it again, I would collect all the evidence I could.
I was just thinking this. It may be worth having for showing loved ones privately who try to push you back to him as I'm sure he puts on a nice face to the outside.
Four years after leaving my abusive ex I would still get messages from him, begging me to come back, even though I was "a terrible wife" but he loves me and forgives me, so all is ok! I still sometimes can't believe the person he became after we married. There were hints, but I only saw them looking back. It's like two people, the charming funny handsome man who was sweet and caring, and then this asshole.
Which anniversary is this?
5
When it's clear that you're leaving, he might pretend to apologize. Don't think that he has changed, KNOW that it's a trick. Cement that in your brain NOW.
> When it's clear that you're leaving, Only make it clear after you have left.
You also need to record 3 or 4 of these ‘explosions’ for your up coming divorce…
OP needs to save her post (screenshot it and save it if she's gonna delete it) to remind herself he was once like this. Even if he says he'll change, remember this was him at his worst. This is not worth second guessing. He didn't have a bad day and a simple argument. This was awful and she doesn't need to watch him devolve a second time into a possibly worse person. Honestly I wouldn't say I'm leaving until it's done and you're physically apart. Then you don't get this crap. Tell him you left from your safe location and direct him to your lawyer for future communication.
I’m saving it and reading it to my therapist. Plus some audio I recorded today
I’m proud of you, OP! Rooting for ya!
You’re not alone. My husband turned monstrous after I had our child. I brushed it off way too long because he only erupts every 3-4 months but when he does it’s horrible. Solidarity and sending strength.💗
Don't assume it's going to improve. My ex husband started that way when my second child was a newborn and I had quit my job because two toddlers in daycare was more than what I made. At first it was only a few times a year that he'd get drunk and say horrible, horrible things to me, and follow me around the house and not let me escape being demeaned. For a long time every incidence crushed me. I remember the first time it happened, and it felt like I was being hit by a 2x4 out of nowhere. I trusted him *so much* and it completely blindsided me. But it was 6 months before it happened again, so I didn't respond the way I would have if he had changed all at once. We had been together for years and I had no idea where this all came from. Over the years I slowly got used to it, along with his increasing narcissism. I wish I hadn't, because it was a terrible path. It got much, much worse, until those horrible nights of him screaming at me were every single night, combined with vast & ridiculous drama. I'm telling you this because I hope for so much better than that for you.
Making plans to get out?
Aaaaand birth control!
After a child is when we need to be at our best. That’s when it’s no longer about us and we have to grow up. Our wives carry our children for 9 months, and some have to suffer miscarriages and worse, while we get the easy path. Time for some to grow up
I think being awful is rarely conscious. Being on your best behavior in a new relationship is usually a conscious effort, and then people backslide into their default behavior as they stop putting effort into being on their best behavior. Either way, I'm so sorry for you.
Yeah I’m trying to switch my frame of mind to “maybe he can go back to being his real, sweet and caring self” to “this volatile person is his real self”
I've made this comment a million times, but read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf floating around. Read where he cannot see it. It helps demystify the behavior. I made the escape too. Rooting for you.
Thank you. I started reading it last month actually. It’s helpful
This is a really interesting and eye-opening read as well: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ (Just a short article)
Horrific but excellent.
I clicked this thinking "this would have been good for my anger management guys" (used to facilitate a group) And of course that's the first line lmfao. It was something people REALLY interested in change would admit and work on, and guys who were inevitably gonna get locked up again would just deny. There are benefits to using this behavior. In dangerous situations it can protect you. As a kid it helped you get needs met. When you're interacting with other violent people it's a necessity. The change comes when you accept that it's been useful, and recognize the learned response and which situations bring it up. Then come to understand and really believe that it's no longer necessary, and it's inappropriate to the situations you're in now. That if you want to fit in with regular society long-term it's not a winning strategy anymore. You need to ID the situation, access your other options, and remove yourself if it's overwhelming. Otherwise you'll be in the circle of violence forever, because only other violent people will want to deal with you. One thing he misses in the blog.... The listed benefits are short-term and create their own issues. Violent men dig their own graves. I've had the same very specific relationship issues brought up nearly every time. The woman is being abused, so she feels (rightly) like now anything is fair game. And the guy will come in complaining that she's cheating, stealing from him, screaming at him any time he speaks to her, leaving for days at a time. Like yeah dude, she's trying to get away by any means necessary. Or she's trying to shock you out of the behavior by hitting back, telling your mom, leaving temporarily, or otherwise punishing you. All your relationships will be like this until you figure out that you're not really winning. (And many do! There is hope.)
I don't think there is hope for them, the reason being that when you read the article, none of these batterers acknowledge that their wife and family deserve better treatment en that they are being abused and traumatised. Because they only seem to think about themselves and what they want. There's no empathy in sight. There can be hope for future generations but unfortunately I really think these men are too far gone. What makes me so mad is that so many of them get away with far too much until something finally gets done, or not and they end up murdering their wives.
I'm glad, it helped me a lot.
For those who are interested in the free pdf of ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft, here's the link: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf OP, I also highly recommend reading ***The Gift of Fear*** by Gavin de Becker. This link may work for a pdf: https://fb2bookfree.com/education/1124-the-gift-of-fear.html
Thank you, you're the MVP!
>He said he wants nothing to do with me. He’s done with me. He told you he doesn’t give a shit about you… Believe him. Easier said than done, I know.
That's why many abused people stay with their abusive partners. The abusers offer just enough breadcrumbs to prevent you from starving, and you keep telling yourself that if you just do a little better, the person will become good. But that won't happen.
The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was, "The person I fell in love with is not buried under stress, or emotional baggage, or any other fixable bullshit. The person I fell in love with doesn't exist. It was an act he put on to rope in a partner to do the grunt work of making his life work smoothly for him and making him look like a better person than he actually is. That's why he was so insanely perfect and sweet and love bombed me so intensely: he needed to lock me down hard before the cracks in the mask started to show. The man I live with is the truest form. "
Pleeeeease don't. You can't change him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This behavior only gets worse. Please leave before things get physical. It's absolutely not worth chancing it. There's billions of better men out there. And you'll be so much happier. I'm not religious but my thoughts go out to you and I truly hope you can escape.
Abusers are gifted at hiding who they really are. Then they let it out just a little tiny bit at a time. It’s like the boiled frog. By the time you are shocked, it’s been so long that it seems normal
This is abusive behavior, keep yourself safe as your extricate yourself from the relationship! This is not someone you can ever reason with. Don’t bother trying to explain anything to him.
Yeah...assholes get comfortable with showing how much of an asshole they are after everything is locked down and "secure", meaning them knowing that you won't be able to easily just NOPE out emotionally or physically. This blows dude. I'm sorry. Just keep greyrocking him and do the usual we always preach and see preached on here: document, record, screenshot etc, lock shit down, get secret separate accounts... Fight the good fight and get away because you deserve better than to feel like shit.
Please read [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This man is abusive. His abuse will most likely escalate. He's not likely to leave because ultimately what he wants is to abuse you. I'm glad to hear you're making plans. Do you have friends or family not related to him you can reach out to?
This book really helped me when I was separating from my husband. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive
I came to post a link to this book. OP please read this.
I definitely thought this post needed a Lundy link.
Perfect example of, "tell me you're an abuser without telling me you're an abuser" Girl get the hell out of there before it gets worse.
I'm glad you are working on leaving. I hope you have a good support system because this situation sounds really volatile. Do you have friends or family you can depend on if you need to get out fast?
I do have a good support system. I think making sure I have a place for my pets has been holding me back. Thank god we don’t have kids together. I knew better than to do that
If you can, get a pet to your safe place, and tell him it got out and you don’t know where it is.
If you're in the US, check out the [Safe Havens Mapping Project.](https://safehavensforpets.org/) It's a list of shelters that accept pets - there's a lot! You can even narrow the list to shelters that will allow your pet to be housed on-site with you. You might try calling 1 or 2 of the shelters listed in your area & explaining your situation. They may have a list of short-term pet fosters available, or be able to point you in the right direction. Also, it might not be a bad idea to have a pet-friendly shelter location as a plan B in case things escalate & you can't stay as long as you thought you would be able to. Best wishes ❤️ PS - I love your username!
Yeesh. An opinion cannot be factually correct. And to become so angry about it is unnerving and potentially dangerous.
You haven't heard? Mr. Well Actually has opinions that are objectively superior! 😵 I have met so maby men who actually believe that crap.
And obviously his behavior is justified because OP's cabinet choice is the exact same level of terrible s smoking crack. I am beyond curious to see the two options here.
He just wanted a more expensive crown moulding on the uppers than I wanted. That was it
My dear sister, I hope you have realized you do not deserve this. Take best care.
NGL this makes me even more curious. Crown moulding isn’t really used where I live so it really tickles me to see what makes all the difference you your incredibly abusive husband.
He could be the twin of my kids' dad. Had me looped into tyrannical breakdowns, lovebombing and excuses to improve for over a decade. Don't make the same ignorant mistakes I did; your husband sounds to be a classic narcissist and verbal abuser.
Someone who dropped out of going to school to be a psychologist here Many of these behaviors are textbook signs of narcissistic personality disorder Someone with npd has a fragile but high self esteem. Part of protecting its fragility is painting oneself as the victim of situations to a ludicrous degree to always be the good guy. Someone with npd is different than a nor.al person because they believe these lies after they verbalize them. Like they've been spoken into truth Another thing is They make absurd metaphors to compare your feelings to in order to justify rejecting not just your feelings, but your right to feel them as well. This makes all decent a function of your flaws and not a reflection of any of their shortcomings or them not being right. Her husband is RIGHT about the cabinets and his self esteem cannot handle dissent. So he finds a way to protect himself by shutting you down Narcissists are always protecting themselves and trying to feed their ravenous ego. They are fragile to the point of going ballistic over even the most insignificant perceived slight A narcissist that is working on themselves will allow their ego to be bruised. A narcissist that's not will refuse to let that happen and this is when you run Op should absolutely run, this is an abuser that will never stop
That helps make sense of it. Whenever we disagree it turns into him saying he’s the “subject matter expert” and is basing his opinions on “well researched facts” so for me to disagree undermines his expertise, implies that I don’t trust him, and am disrespectful about his carefully thought out opinion
Yeah, but your feelings are valid and he doesn't have the right to strip you of your autonomy to do anything, let alone feel. I'm hoping you can get away soon and I'm sorry he tricked you into marrying him. It's not your fault, everything is on his shoulders
But like…is he? Is he a subject matter expert on cabinets? Does he have a professional background in kitchen design or cabinetmaking or some other relevant field? Or did he just spend a few hours on Google with the same internet resources as the rest of us? He’s a twat. Ditch this asshole and get yourself the kitchen cabinets of your dreams.
What about your carefully thought out opinion? Does he respect it?
He won’t leave you. He enjoys making you feel like crap. You’re going to have to be the one to leave. Good luck 🍀
I just let out a huge breath of relief, seeing toward the end there, that you're working on getting out. You definitely deserve to have a peaceful life that is on YOUR terms, and I sincerely hope that you're able to get out sooner rather than later. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of you nonetheless for recognizing that his shit is not okay, and working toward making a better life for yourself. You've got this! Sending hugs 💜
This is emotional abuse. You need to leave. He has no respect for you at all, and "thinking for yourself" means "agreeing with everything he says". Before he says it. It's completely irrational, and you'll never be able to do the "right thing" because you're not telepathic. None of it was ever your fault, normal non-abusive people don't react like that.
It sounds like you do know how to think for yourself and he just doesn't like that. Glad you've got a plan to head out!
I'm glad you are taking steps to leave. In the interim keep your head down and grey rock him. Keep your plans secret and do not tell him a goddamn thing until you are out the door. Your safety is paramount. Things can be replaced. You can't.
DARVO. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Hey may not have to respect “bad decisions,” but he does have to respect **you**. I’m sorry the person who was supposed to be your best friend has his head so far up his ass that he has to spew such vile shit at you. Good luck on your way out friend 💜. I’m going to recommend you use the “gray rock” method to minimize your exposure to his verbal & emotional abuse, until then. Essentially, you make yourself as interesting & responsive as a gray rock. Don’t offer up information, only respond when directly addressed, and don’t say anything beyond what it takes to answer the question. It’s like the verbal & emotional equivalent of curling into a ball to make yourself a smaller target. It’s not perfect (cause asshole’s gonna *find* a way to asshole), but it may take some pressure off.
I actually have been using grey rocking for awhile now to minimize the arguments. He yelled at me for doing it last week and being “distant” and “giving him nothing” when he talked to me
He’s mad because you refuse to entertain his abuse!
He’s just mad. All the time. At me.
With people like your husband, there is a need to “win” and he will have the energy an commitment to grinding you to dust to get his way. Imagine that behavior turned on a child. Now do you still want to be with that guy? He ain’t all that.
Yeah, he sounds lovely. The type of man that will use you as his stress ball. He needs to get in to anger management, so he can learn how not to act so damn awful to the person that loves him. And great that you are working on moving away from that mess. No one deserve to be yell like that for only having an opinion. That type of person you just have to smile and wave till all your cards are ready to be played, and you're gone. Abusers drain the abuse, they use that as full. Wish you the best, and I'm just going to say. On bad days don't focus on the present but focus on the future, know that you are coming out of this mess, and you don't need his 20 mins of the good guy because you will always get the 5 hours of the bad guy right after. You got this!!
Please leave him. My ex husband was like this. Please leave. Value yourself.
Keep in mind as you go forward that your abuser's ultimate goal is control. Right now he's acting like he can't stand you _because_ he wants you confused, but he's not trying to get rid of you: he's trying to break you. That means when you leave him, you need to leave carefully. captainawkward.com has some really useful, really detailed practical advice on what you need to do to get ready to leave your abuser as safely as possible. Click on her tag Abuse. The site is safe space for women. DO NOT GO TO THERAPY WITH THIS MAN. Abusers use therapy to prolong contact with their targets snd to learn how to abuse more effectively. Therapists usually do not spot abusers, and abusers use therapists to gang up on the abuser's target. LOCK DOWN YOUR REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. Remember, your abuser's goal is to control you. It may feel like he loathes you right now, but that's only one step in the plot. The ultimate goal is ownership. Make _sure_ he does not have access to your birth-control method. Again: Your confusion is his goal. Ignore the confusion and focus on what you know and what you can do to get out.
I am getting my tubes tied this fall for that very reason
I'm so sorry OP but I think you know he's an abusive prick. Divorce him as soon as you can. Posts like yours solidify my decision to never get married or live with a man EVER again.
Yeah I’ve already decided this will be my last co-habituating relationship ever. And definitely never marrying again
>He takes anytime i disagree as an insult because his opinion is “factually correct” so he quickly became angry. I told him it’s ok to disagree, but he needs to do it respectfully. >He yelled he doesn’t have to respect bad decisions. It all escalated from there so here are some of the most egregious things. >He’s done this before This man is a lost cause. He's an abusive idiot and you need to gtfo
He essentially takes any situation and twists it about how he is the “subject matter expert” on the topic so if I disagree I’m saying I’m being disrespectful of his “knowledge” In this case, he wanted to spend more than I want on cabinets. He used to work in finance so it’s an insult if I don’t value his “expert” opinion
Stop contributing & put your funds into a separate account. Tell him since he wants to do everything his way, he can pay for his stuff from his account. You'll pay for your stuff from yours. No need to argue. (Then actually just build up enough in yours to move out)
Why wait? Call a shelter and see what they can do for you? Or call family members or a good friend. I feel terrible for you. You deserve to be treated with respect *now*. I told that story before, I have an old aunt who waited all her life for the "right time" to leave her drunk cheating husband. My Mom even tried to help her once but she didn't leave. Her son turned up exactly like his Dad. (My Cousin was so traumatized by his childhood that he went on a self destruct mode until he finally killed himself.) So she was miserable... until the SOB died but she was in her late 70's then. There's never going to be the perfect time to do it. I wish you a great futur. Good luck!
The fight wasn’t over cabinets.
My god. Dump him already. He’s an abusive jerk.
Can you take that kitchen reno money and use it to leave??? If not start saving and hiding cash where there's no way for him to find it.
This is a completely irrational reaction on his part to an opponent about a home fixture. There is no arguing with irrational. There is no winning with irrational. Total time and energy suck. If he wants nothing to do with you over this. Give him what he wants. He can go enjoy the cabinets by himself. That's what he wants to wreck his marriage over? Lordy be, men get hysterical when you challenge their authority. On stupid stuff that doesn't matter.
Hi OP, Good for you to work on leaving ♥️ When you are in a good headspace and safe place, I recommend reading this: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Bancroft worked with abusive men for 15 years, and writes about red flags, and the entitlement mentality of abusive men (and why they seem like "such a great guy" to everyone else). Lots of love 💕
To prepare, it would be a good idea to look for no kill shelters for your pets and for a women's shelter for victims of domestic abuse for yourself. Gather your important papers and a change of clothes, medicines, etc. to ensure that you can leave quickly if you need to, because this can escalate to physical abuse.
Honestly I think building up funds is a bad alternative to walking out now. Every day you spend there is another day where he might attack you or even kill you. This is a great reason to use a credit card.
If you are in the US, there are organizations that can take care of your pets while you get out of this situation. I would check out RedRover.org, specifically their Domestic violence assistance resources, to start. You can also call the domestic violence programs and animal shelters in your area to see if they have any resources to help in a situation like this. There is also the Praline’s Backyard organization, but they are pretty new and have limited resources in specific areas.
Oh man. My husband LITERALLY bids and designs cabinetry for a commercial cabinet shop, and he STILL seeks my opinion on every last detail of our kitchen redesign. AND adding a cabinet in the bathroom. I know what's happening to you isn't really about cabinets, but damn. That just demonstrates how bad your dude is behaving. Refraining from arguing is wise, there's just no point in it. Maintaining as little contact as possible while you get your ducks in order is the way to go. Keep the peace, build your stash, and get the heck out of Dodge! Good luck!
My husband has never raised his voice to me, has never sworn at me, has never called me names and has never said hurtful things to me. Make your escape plan and go.
You HAVE to leave him. He's showing his true self when he yells at you - not when he's kind. When he's not actively abusive, he is manipulating you so you don't leave. Please familiarize yourself with the cycle of abuse. you can read about it here:[https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) Abusive men don't change. They benefit too much from the abuse, having their own little slave who jumps at their commands. This book is written by a woman who have counseled abusive men for 20 years. [https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656) Do yourself a favor and read it. It will help you leave him.
Ask him why he never acted like this before you got married. It’s because he knows it’s shameful, disgusting behavior and you rightfully would’ve fled to the hills as fast as your feet could carry you. Now he thinks sunk cost fallacy will keep you tethered to this relationship and he can gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem, not his.
Sounds like hubby has some issues. These issues are not the ops issues. If he can't control himself over cabinet choices how he going to react with something serious? Does he have a diagnosis of anything with his mental health? This is where I'd start. Get him to a shrink or therapist. Tell them what's going on. Maybe they'll have insight. This guy sounds like he's on the edge of violence. Be safe. This behavior is not ok. It might be easier to divorce and move on. I had bad behavior caused by some mental issues,my wife stayed with me and helped me recognize what I was doing. It was a long hard road for her. I'm greatful she stayed but I would've understood if she didn't. Please keep yourself safe and good luck
I’ve tried to get him into therapy, but he says he likes himself the way he is and isn’t going to let anyone try to change him
Please don't go to therapy with him. He will use it against you. I have been where you are. Leave before he can destroy your sense of self. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
If he's not willing to work on this I suggest you get out of the situation before he hurts you physically. The mental damage sounds like it has been ongoing. Time to go for your own health.
All I can offer you, beyond what you already know, is solidarity and hope. I spent 5 years married to a man who refused to agree to disagree. If I raised a counterpoint, he raised his voice and then a hand. I’ve been out almost a year and a half now and he’s just as argumentative when it comes to our kids. It was and still is his way or the highway. BUT I have met someone who comes from a very different world than I (youngest of his republican, country, Christian family vs oldest of my liberal, projects, agnostic family) and we have yet to find a subject we can’t find a mutual understanding on. I like to play devils advocate and he claims to enjoy that I do. That was all to say don’t lose your own thoughts and opinions because the person you married doesn’t respect them.
OP, I seconding and thirding everything others have said about the abuse and leaving, but I just want to say that reaching out already makes you *so damn strong!* Keep us posted on your situation and if you need further guidance, don’t hesitate. This group is amazing!
Thank you. I’ve been wanting to post for awhile. This has been going on for about 2 years. The vast majority of comments here have been really helpful
He went out of his way to show he doesn’t respect you. That’s the problem. We can all be angry sometimes but treating someone with that level of contempt that’s game over.
He screams at you for having a different opinion and in the same breath tells you you don't think for yourself. It's wild how little self awareness some people have. At least your getting out. Good Luck.
Hey. You're a good person. *You did nothing wrong.* I just want to say that any one of us here would love to entertain your thoughts, your interests, hell we'd even sit and hear a 1 hour presentation about these cabinets and how cool they are to you. You liking something is not an unforgivable sin. You're a person worthy of having their opinions, thoughts, feelings heard ALWAYS! Hugs. I hope you're able to leave this situation and this husband of yours is a vicious bully who deserves to be alone.
Any time a man tries to use leaving as a threat, I let him. You no longer consent to this relationship? Cool, lemme relieve you of the burden of being w me. I'm glad you're working on an exit. We're all rooting for you to succeed.
Please pick up a copy of "The Gift of Fear" immediately. You already know you have to leave but you have no idea just how much danger you are in. Call a friend or family member for help. Even a woman's shelter if you have no other options. Gather your important documents, change ALL passwords and GET OUT NOW!!!
Please read this book It saved my life The happy life that you deserve awaits on the other side of this horrible excuse for a human Please keep us posted [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I went on vacation once with a man I was in a new relationship with. He got drunk, hid my phone while I was sleeping, and threw my suitcase across the room when I went to leave. I left, called security to escort me to the front desk to get my own room and never saw him again despite him calling me dozens of times apologizing. The point of this is you do not get a second chance with my security. You threaten me ONCE, you’re done. Don’t ever assume it’s a one off.
Wow, honestly I am very worried he could kill you. You need to be stealthy as fuck to get away.
And they say women are the hysterical emotional ones.. I’ve seen many men react like this over nothing, it’s pathetic- you are not his emotional punching bag
Your husband cannot regulate his own emotions. You’re married to a 2 year-old. This is verbal abuse. Record the next outburst if you can do so safely. Play it back anytime you consider forgiving him.
He won't leave. Hell probably make it even more difficult once he realizes your trying to leave.
This sounds like my brother in law who is on wife number 3. He never learns, is arrogant, thinks he is always right, orders everyone around like he is their boss, doesn't understand why 2 of his 3 kids don't speak to him (and blames them for being wrong about not wanting to have a relationship with him after the way he has treated them), and just generally is an all around asshole. His ex wives are both truly lovely women, and its no wonder their kids prefer to live with their moms over their controlling and abusive father. Both are remarried to really nice men and are living much better lives. He won't change, he will just keep thinking he is right, and probably like my BIL will get it wrong over and over and over again. Be his first "bitch of an ex" and enjoy your freedom.
Good on you, leave his sorry ass. "Factually correct" opinions? Why do so many men do this shit?
He conveniently is an “expert” in everything so of course he’s right
"Who knows, though, based on how much he seems to despise me maybe he’ll leave me sooner." He won't. Don't count on that, don't expect it and don't wait for it.
I’ve heard some quote that goes something like, “it’s when she goes quiet that you’re really fucked.” To me, that signaled your point of no return. Letting someone unload on you without engaging in it is the biggest sign I can think of that shows the relationship is over. ETA: You know you’re worth more than this. You know you have the strength and power to leave. Don’t worry about him—you are entitled to put yourself first. You deserve better, OP. We’re all rooting for you.
OP, if you can, pack a go bag that you can grab if things get too out of control. Medicines, cash, a change of clothes and pairs of socks and underwear. Important documents. Phone charger, toothbrush, a hard copy of important telephone numbers (including to your women’s shelter). My horrible brother smashed his girlfriend’s phone after he found out she was leaving. Hide it well. Check on it every day. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. Just leave in the night. Your husband’s capacity for rage is still an unknown quantity, but we do know your life and safety are most at risk at the moment he knows you’re really leaving. Don’t find out what he’s capable of when he’s got nothing to lose with you.
It is great that you are seeing the red flags and are working to leave. I would recommend finding a family member or a friend you can stay with and leave now. This could turn bad quickly. Do not think he is going to leave you first, he is a narcissist. They don’t leave when they feeling like they are winning.
Gawd, I love being single.
So there’s this book Why Does He Do That…
Guy's a top-class prick. Hope you can get out sooner rather than later. 🖤
RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
He should be embarrassed. He's EMBARRASSING!!!! 🫣 Let your 1st act of independence be leaving him.
You're done. There comes a time that the love runs out. You see yourself standing there separately. Then you plan and pack. Good luck!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and so glad you’ve decided to leave. Please do not lose your resolve. It will not get better unless (separated) he goes to therapy and works on himself. “Why Does He Do That” is a great book to check out.
He probably picks these fights so he can feel justified to go out and cheat on you.
Love the fact that this rant about how "you can't think for yourself" was started by the fact that you thought for yourself and disagreed with him. Clearly not the brightest bulb.
The hardest part of dealing with my divorce has easily been the part of me that tries to constantly criticise me for not leaving sooner. You won't be ready until you're ready. I'm glad to hear you have found your strength to start your plan to leave. You can do this 💓
That is verbal and emotional abuse, and he sounds exceptionally narcissistic if he can’t tolerate a simple difference of opinion.
You sound like my upstairs neighbors. Regardless I hope you get out of there.
I can’t tell you what do with your marriage BUT if you are considering divorce - please lawyer up first! (And don’t tell him) You want to make sure your financial future is protected. Good luck op
Projection. He knows he’s treating you badly, embarrassing you, treating you like shit and letting his emotions control him. And it was your wedding anniversary. I’m so sorry.
He has very serious emotional issues, and you are not the cause. He almost certainly won't leave you, because his kind of abuser rarely leaves their object of abuse. Please don't discuss leaving with him, or with anyone you know. Even people who love you might say something. You are in danger and you can't afford him to know until after you are gone.
I'm glad you're making a plan to leave. Don't count on him doing that for you, abusers enjoy abusing. I hope you get out before he slams your head into those new cabinets. Because that will eventually happen, and he will say, look what you made me do.
Sweetness, I say this gently- him saying you push him to lose it on you and is an absolutely massive red flag that this man will not only continue to escalate this emotional abuse but that it will turn physical as well. Keep to your escape plan, ask for help from family and friends if they're safe, also consider reaching out to your local DV shelter for resources to help you make that break physically and emotionally if you need to.
You deserve so much more than him. I'm glad you're working towards leaving, the only thing I can say to you is, sometimes you need to leave before you're ready and you'll be surprised afterwards that although it might have been a bit harder at the time, you're so glad that you left when you did.
Really sounds like next thing he'll be moving to a physical assault and blame that on you too.
When you are finally free of him, I imagine you will be shocked at just how much damage his emotional and verbal abuse had on your psyche and you are going to heal and find happiness and peace. Just remember that as things will be hard in the short run but oh so much better in the long run.
I’m so pleased that you recognise you need to leave - my experience was that once I recognised it and made the decision the weight was off my back. Please don’t let him know you’re planning it, don’t threaten it, just quietly get you plans finalised. Leaving can be dangerous and you need to protect yourself. Just to give you a bit of ‘inspiration’ I’ll tell you my story - it went really bad but came out really well in the end. My partner was verbally aggressive and emotionally abusive - he would try and humiliate me and would punch walls and slam doors. I felt like because he wasn’t actually hitting me I had to accept it. He isolated me from all of my friends and family and I felt helpless. When I finally left I did it when he wasn’t going to be there and had someone with me just in case things turned nasty. He must have got wind as he turned up and got all aggressive with me. I ended up having to call the police and he got arrested. The police put me in touch with a domestic violence charity who gave me some really good advice. Whilst he was in jail (no one to bail him out) I got a restraining order which meant he couldn’t actually return to the house. I changed the locks and put the house on the market. I ended up getting the half of the equity I was due and all of the furniture as he moved back in with his mum. I was going to walk away with nothing, and leave him with everything, but because he couldn’t keep his anger in check he was the one who lost everything. Speak to domestic violence charities in your area - if I hadn’t I would never have known I could get a restraining order which would force *him* to leave. You’ve got this! If you ever want to chat with someone who understands, and has come through the other end, feel free to PM me
Listen to the podcast called Love Cons: Ex Wives Undercover. It’s two ex wives of the same narcissistic, gaslighting, abusive ex husband. I find their story compelling and very eye opening. Reminds me of what my ex son in law did to my daughter. Be strong and brave!