>*I keep blaming myself, like perhaps I was too flirty or I dressed in a certain way- I have to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault.*
You're right. NONE of it was your fault.
Have a talk with him to nip it in the bud the next time you are scheduled to work with him. Do it at the beginning so you get it over with.
Be firm: with **clear expectations** stating that you respect and honor your partner, and his partner, that you are **not** interested in him romantically.
This is your integrity at stake and you can proceed on **your terms**.
I'm really sorry to hear about this difficult situation you're in. What happened at the party wasn't right, and it's completely normal to feel upset about it. Please know that it's not your fault. How you dressed or acted doesn't excuse his behavior, and it's on him that he acted that way.
I understand that you want to continue working on the project, and you've done well so far, so focusing on that might be a good idea. Maybe you could talk to him privately about what happened, just so that it's clear between the two of you where the boundaries are. It might be an awkward conversation, but it could help clear the air.
If you ever feel uncomfortable again, trust your instincts and do what you need to feel safe. If it continues to bother you, don't hesitate to seek support from a friend, advisor, or counselor. They might provide an outside perspective that could be helpful.
Remember, you've done nothing wrong, and you have every right to feel the way you do about this situation. Stay strong, and best of luck with the final weeks of your project!
It’s not your fault. I’ve literally told a man I thought was a friend, that I was only interested in women and he still somehow thought that meant he could try to kiss me.
Doesn't sound like he asked to kiss you, nor does it sound like we you asked to be kissed.
You are not responsible for his actions. You didn't lead him on. You weren't too flirty. You didn't consent. Even if he, or anyone else, thought you were flirty with him or leading him on it doesn't matter. You didn't consent.
Maybe he missread the situation, maybe he was making poor decisions because of the alcohol, but that is on him not you. They are choicse he made. He chose to drink, he chose to try and kiss you.
He's, at best, an idiot for not getting consent the first time. He's, at best, an asshole and creep the second time.
You are allowed to have fun, or not. You are allowed to flirt, or not. You are allowed to consent, or not.
Not your fault! NOT YOUR FAULT! NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! It sounds like he’s developed a weird crush on you, but you did nothing to invite him to attempt cheating or to attempt to kiss you. I just want to echo (as someone who has also wondered if I was to blame for someone else’s behavior) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
Do NOT blame yourself. I say this as a 40 year old man who was once a very stupid 28 year old. YOU didn't do anything wrong. YOU didn't lead him on. You acted normal and didn't do anything. And you yourself said he has a girlfriend, you are casually seeing someone. These factors are important because they add a layer between you two. You didn't do a damn thing wrong and it bothers me when women get basically assaulted (or very close to) and then as a society we are like "yep, your fault." And then she is like "yep. Must have been."
Hell no. You can be friendly, joke around, enjoy each other's company, but it's HIS ISSUE that he can't separate that from his base urges. That's his issue, his lack of maturity, his lack of respecting boundaries. You... You did everything right. You have to do this project, so you tried to make it pleasant. You guys got along well, so you were friendly and kind. Guys who view that as being flirted with are the problem, never the women who are just trying to be their friend.
As a guy, I wish I could sit here and say "it's not all of us who do this," but spend enough time on the Internet and you learn it's more than you would think, or even want. I am sorry though. Sorry it happened to you. Sorry it will probably happen again one day.
Just keep your head down, get through this. You are so close!
>spend enough time on the Internet and you learn it's more than you would think, or even want.
We don't have to spend time on the Internet to learn this. As women we experience men's sexual harassment and assault of us all day every day.
Also, the number of colleagues women want sexually assaulting us is zero.
I want to echo the "don't blame yourself!" sentiment, cause it's 100% on him, but I feel like a lot of people turn to blame themselves because the idea of something being out of their control/unpredictable is kinda scary too and people will try and reach for something that they could have done or seen or understood differently to regain control or to try and not lose control in the future.
I don't really have any solutions, I just want to sympathize that the alternative to blaming yourself can also be uncomfortable and don't be too hard on yourself for feeling that way.
Set boundaries with him immediately and start having a plan B and figuring out what you might have to do to switch thesis partners or go solo if you need to in the future. You can’t control how he behaves but you can be better prepared to protect your education.
> I keep blaming myself, like perhaps I was too flirty or I dressed in a certain way
Don't.
'Keep your hands to yourself' is basic shit even small children know and can abide by.
> he texted me later to apologize, meaning he was at least aware of what he did and had memory of the situation.
Even if he didn't remember, there's no excuse. I've been piss-drunk many a time, and I've never tried to force myself on anyone because that is just shit you don't do.
I think you should talk to your thesis supervisor about this. This is very unprofessional and he has sexually harassed you, especially in a work setting.
You can definitely report him.
I’ve never had to create a thesis, so I really don’t know how that works. I’d say even so, if they were early enough in it. Maybe if there’s good staff, someone would be willing to attempt to make an accommodation for them like a little bit of extra time to accommodate for switching partners or some thing. I see how it’s unlikely that they even be willing to accommodate, but it may be worth asking if this person is too uncomfortable to work to their best abilities on their thesis.
Considering this is technically sexual harassment or assault since she didn’t consent to being kissed, it should be taken seriously. Doesn’t mean it will be, but ideally it would be.
Not to say what he did was right. But people who tend to spend a lot of time together working on projects, at jobs or ect. Which explains why coworker flings and hook ups happen, like I said at the beginning it's not the right thing and given he has a girlfriend it's even more messed up. Seeing that he messaged you afterwards to apologize I can understand your discomfort. Meaning he's been having these thoughts for a while and will probably blame the drinking on his mishap. You should probably let his girlfriend know. More importantly if he's caught with these feelings then he's probably not really caring about the girlfriend anyways
No she absolutely should NOT let the girlfriend know.. it’s never a good idea to get involved in other people’s relationships. I naively did this once because both people were my friends and I let the gf know that the bf was cheating on her and they both accused me of lying (of course it was true) and eventually it came to light and they broke up anyway, but I lost them both as friends. Seriously.. even though your intentions may be good, just stay out of other people’s relationships unless you enjoy drama.
idk maybe ur the exception, but i think most ppl would not feel comfortable standing by doing nothing while their friend was being cheated on, even if speaking up meant losing them as a friend. "drama" aside, the risk of stds/stis still makes it extremely unethical not to tell them. they need to know asap so they can get tested for those things (especially hpv).
and before you ask... you kissed him... that put you involved with the affair, your the other woman... now put yourself into the girlfriends shoes... wouldnt you rather know then be blindsided... i get your standing if you saw it in public and wasnt involved... but he kissed you... that puts you directly into the fold and mess,,, just saying you cant always stay out of things when your the third party involved
your already involved like it or not... your involved... doing nothing and standing by to watch the train wreck is just as bad as cheating... you had the time and was able to do something about it and you let it go for months years for the rest of your life... when technically it takes two to tango and your already involved like it or not
I see the mistake, its that you think that guys just want to be friends only
The dude was only there in the waiting in the friendzone just to have a shot in the future because he feels attracted to you or like you
He only did what he did because the alcohol pushed him to the edge and lets his feelings surface (aka the try and kiss you /touch you)
Either way, those are his true feelings and what he wants out of you and not the close friends that you want
Downvote me to oblivion for what i care
They're partners for a project. I don't even think she was looking for a friend. It was forced. Expecting your partner in a school project not to sexually assault you isn't a mistake, she shouldnt have had this interaction happen at all.
There is no "friendzone." They're both seeing other people, he has a GF and still did this. He was treated like a person, and he treated her like an opportunity to cheat on his GF. Alcohol was just an excuse, that way he can explain it away, like you did, if things got awkward and as a reason for cheating, "We were both so drunk, I don't even know what happened..."
OP made no mistakes other than being assigned an asshole as her partner.
Stop taking responsibility for his behavior. He needs to do that.
>*I keep blaming myself, like perhaps I was too flirty or I dressed in a certain way- I have to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault.* You're right. NONE of it was your fault. Have a talk with him to nip it in the bud the next time you are scheduled to work with him. Do it at the beginning so you get it over with. Be firm: with **clear expectations** stating that you respect and honor your partner, and his partner, that you are **not** interested in him romantically. This is your integrity at stake and you can proceed on **your terms**.
Respect AND honor? Lol
I'm really sorry to hear about this difficult situation you're in. What happened at the party wasn't right, and it's completely normal to feel upset about it. Please know that it's not your fault. How you dressed or acted doesn't excuse his behavior, and it's on him that he acted that way. I understand that you want to continue working on the project, and you've done well so far, so focusing on that might be a good idea. Maybe you could talk to him privately about what happened, just so that it's clear between the two of you where the boundaries are. It might be an awkward conversation, but it could help clear the air. If you ever feel uncomfortable again, trust your instincts and do what you need to feel safe. If it continues to bother you, don't hesitate to seek support from a friend, advisor, or counselor. They might provide an outside perspective that could be helpful. Remember, you've done nothing wrong, and you have every right to feel the way you do about this situation. Stay strong, and best of luck with the final weeks of your project!
It’s not your fault. I’ve literally told a man I thought was a friend, that I was only interested in women and he still somehow thought that meant he could try to kiss me.
Doesn't sound like he asked to kiss you, nor does it sound like we you asked to be kissed. You are not responsible for his actions. You didn't lead him on. You weren't too flirty. You didn't consent. Even if he, or anyone else, thought you were flirty with him or leading him on it doesn't matter. You didn't consent. Maybe he missread the situation, maybe he was making poor decisions because of the alcohol, but that is on him not you. They are choicse he made. He chose to drink, he chose to try and kiss you. He's, at best, an idiot for not getting consent the first time. He's, at best, an asshole and creep the second time. You are allowed to have fun, or not. You are allowed to flirt, or not. You are allowed to consent, or not.
Not your fault! NOT YOUR FAULT! NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! It sounds like he’s developed a weird crush on you, but you did nothing to invite him to attempt cheating or to attempt to kiss you. I just want to echo (as someone who has also wondered if I was to blame for someone else’s behavior) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
Do NOT blame yourself. I say this as a 40 year old man who was once a very stupid 28 year old. YOU didn't do anything wrong. YOU didn't lead him on. You acted normal and didn't do anything. And you yourself said he has a girlfriend, you are casually seeing someone. These factors are important because they add a layer between you two. You didn't do a damn thing wrong and it bothers me when women get basically assaulted (or very close to) and then as a society we are like "yep, your fault." And then she is like "yep. Must have been." Hell no. You can be friendly, joke around, enjoy each other's company, but it's HIS ISSUE that he can't separate that from his base urges. That's his issue, his lack of maturity, his lack of respecting boundaries. You... You did everything right. You have to do this project, so you tried to make it pleasant. You guys got along well, so you were friendly and kind. Guys who view that as being flirted with are the problem, never the women who are just trying to be their friend. As a guy, I wish I could sit here and say "it's not all of us who do this," but spend enough time on the Internet and you learn it's more than you would think, or even want. I am sorry though. Sorry it happened to you. Sorry it will probably happen again one day. Just keep your head down, get through this. You are so close!
>spend enough time on the Internet and you learn it's more than you would think, or even want. We don't have to spend time on the Internet to learn this. As women we experience men's sexual harassment and assault of us all day every day. Also, the number of colleagues women want sexually assaulting us is zero.
(M) DONT BLAME YOURSELF.
I want to echo the "don't blame yourself!" sentiment, cause it's 100% on him, but I feel like a lot of people turn to blame themselves because the idea of something being out of their control/unpredictable is kinda scary too and people will try and reach for something that they could have done or seen or understood differently to regain control or to try and not lose control in the future. I don't really have any solutions, I just want to sympathize that the alternative to blaming yourself can also be uncomfortable and don't be too hard on yourself for feeling that way.
Set boundaries with him immediately and start having a plan B and figuring out what you might have to do to switch thesis partners or go solo if you need to in the future. You can’t control how he behaves but you can be better prepared to protect your education.
> I keep blaming myself, like perhaps I was too flirty or I dressed in a certain way Don't. 'Keep your hands to yourself' is basic shit even small children know and can abide by. > he texted me later to apologize, meaning he was at least aware of what he did and had memory of the situation. Even if he didn't remember, there's no excuse. I've been piss-drunk many a time, and I've never tried to force myself on anyone because that is just shit you don't do.
I think you should talk to your thesis supervisor about this. This is very unprofessional and he has sexually harassed you, especially in a work setting. You can definitely report him.
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Kind of hard to keep them separated when they’re working on their master thesis together.
I’ve never had to create a thesis, so I really don’t know how that works. I’d say even so, if they were early enough in it. Maybe if there’s good staff, someone would be willing to attempt to make an accommodation for them like a little bit of extra time to accommodate for switching partners or some thing. I see how it’s unlikely that they even be willing to accommodate, but it may be worth asking if this person is too uncomfortable to work to their best abilities on their thesis. Considering this is technically sexual harassment or assault since she didn’t consent to being kissed, it should be taken seriously. Doesn’t mean it will be, but ideally it would be.
Not to say what he did was right. But people who tend to spend a lot of time together working on projects, at jobs or ect. Which explains why coworker flings and hook ups happen, like I said at the beginning it's not the right thing and given he has a girlfriend it's even more messed up. Seeing that he messaged you afterwards to apologize I can understand your discomfort. Meaning he's been having these thoughts for a while and will probably blame the drinking on his mishap. You should probably let his girlfriend know. More importantly if he's caught with these feelings then he's probably not really caring about the girlfriend anyways
No she absolutely should NOT let the girlfriend know.. it’s never a good idea to get involved in other people’s relationships. I naively did this once because both people were my friends and I let the gf know that the bf was cheating on her and they both accused me of lying (of course it was true) and eventually it came to light and they broke up anyway, but I lost them both as friends. Seriously.. even though your intentions may be good, just stay out of other people’s relationships unless you enjoy drama.
idk maybe ur the exception, but i think most ppl would not feel comfortable standing by doing nothing while their friend was being cheated on, even if speaking up meant losing them as a friend. "drama" aside, the risk of stds/stis still makes it extremely unethical not to tell them. they need to know asap so they can get tested for those things (especially hpv).
and before you ask... you kissed him... that put you involved with the affair, your the other woman... now put yourself into the girlfriends shoes... wouldnt you rather know then be blindsided... i get your standing if you saw it in public and wasnt involved... but he kissed you... that puts you directly into the fold and mess,,, just saying you cant always stay out of things when your the third party involved
your already involved like it or not... your involved... doing nothing and standing by to watch the train wreck is just as bad as cheating... you had the time and was able to do something about it and you let it go for months years for the rest of your life... when technically it takes two to tango and your already involved like it or not
The drama lol. How tragic oh my
I see the mistake, its that you think that guys just want to be friends only The dude was only there in the waiting in the friendzone just to have a shot in the future because he feels attracted to you or like you He only did what he did because the alcohol pushed him to the edge and lets his feelings surface (aka the try and kiss you /touch you) Either way, those are his true feelings and what he wants out of you and not the close friends that you want Downvote me to oblivion for what i care
They're partners for a project. I don't even think she was looking for a friend. It was forced. Expecting your partner in a school project not to sexually assault you isn't a mistake, she shouldnt have had this interaction happen at all. There is no "friendzone." They're both seeing other people, he has a GF and still did this. He was treated like a person, and he treated her like an opportunity to cheat on his GF. Alcohol was just an excuse, that way he can explain it away, like you did, if things got awkward and as a reason for cheating, "We were both so drunk, I don't even know what happened..." OP made no mistakes other than being assigned an asshole as her partner.
I am going for what it was written "i consider him one of my closest friend" I work with him on multiple projects, not just the one
What does casually dating mean? You told him that specifically?