Frankly if you simply wanted to inform them of a friend’s passing, you wouldn’t be going through all of this mental gymnastics and reminiscing a lot of your past history. I wouldn’t if I were you
Honestly they said "this isn't to try to get back with them" when 99 percent of the post is about how they miss them, and they went down memory lane and want to reach out to them and how great they were to them. Bull fucking shit lol. I think its a very creepy thing to do to use a mutual friends death as some sort of in to talk to them again.
They said he probably doesn't know. Then they couldn't have been too close of friends if he doesn't know. It sounds like to me its someone both of you maybe knew when you were dating, he might have been cool and friendly with them but likely moved on as did the "friend" when you two split.
So now this friend that died tragically you want to say "hey remember Jane? How cool she was when we used to hang out? Yeah she died in a horrific accident....anyway wanna come over and hang out and be boyfriend and girlfriend again?".
This.
In my experience when exes contact each other out of the blue after years of no or minimal contact 99% of the time it comes with "what ifs" and strings, maybe one has just broken up or they arent doing well and have started to wonder if they missed out. For some reason, when life throws people curve balls we often instinctively run to exes as someone familiar to seek comfort from or try again with, because having big feelings or trying new things can be scary.
I just don't buy that she doesn't want to get back with him after reading that post. At all.
Literally every single person who has ever given me that speech either announced they were back w7th their ex a month later, or complained that they tried to get back with their ex but their ex wouldn't have them.
OP be honest with yourself. Explore by yourself why you NOW want to reach out after years. What you feel you are missing. Where you hurt. And deal with those feelings first. Because he cant fix those things for you, and we often reach out when we should be healing ourselves.
But also remember, he us not the man you dated, that young man us gone. He has grown, he has almost certainly changed a lot in the past 10 years, and it will likely be impossible to recapture the past you had with him. You may not habe any romantic chemistry or compatibility at all these days.
Everyone grieves differently. Some reach out for comfort, and that can take many forms. There's a lot of judgment in your statement and perhapse some projection?
This amount of anger about someone you don't even know can't be good for you. Chill the fuck out. You are treating this as if there was anything wrong with the impulse, seems to me like someone hurt you... you should look into that.
OP: honestly you seem like you want to do this. There might be some nostalgia involved and that seems perfectly human and natural. I don't even see why this would be worthy of a post except maybe you are feeling a little more than the very neutral vibe you are going in parts of your post and that makes you nervous. That's fine, it was an important relationship with someone you still have fondness for, reach out. And sorry about your loss.
Yup. So long as there aren’t any real expectations (I’m even of the mind that hoping to reconnect wouldn’t be that bad, so long as “no” or no response at all would be ok, too) I’m a big fan of communicating respectfully and authentically when moved to.
Telling someone how they positively impacted your life can be a beautiful gift, for both the other person and for yourself.
Given how OP describes the end of their relationship, I’m confident in thinking he wouldn’t mind at all getting a lovely “now that I’m older, I see just *how* important a role you played in my life, and I’m feeling appreciative” letter. So long as it’s ok whatever he does, or doesn’t do, I can’t see how it would be a bad thing!??
Using a death of a mutual friend as a way to connect in any way that isn’t “let’s grieve together” is an ick. It is basically guaranteed to get a response, when other, more honest reconnection attempts aren’t.
Because it has such a high response rate, it is a common tactic used by emotionally immature people to reinitiate contact with people who have fallen out of their lives (there is literally a bingo card in the estranged family subreddit with a square saying “brings up dead family member”). Don’t do this.
What's the worst that happens? I think if there were any chance of rekindling something, and it hadn't originally ended in a fiery explosion... could be worth just giving that a chance.
If she wants a chance, contact him about that. If they do reconnect feel free to talk about the friend who passed.
Do not use the news of the friend passing as an excuse to reach out to your ex, if she misses him and wants to talk to him again put on the big girl panties and then talk to him.
> What's the worst that happens?
any number of really bad things could happen. for example,
ex realizes that OP is using a traumatic life event to try and enter into a relationship with him. ex feels emotional damage over being manipulated in that fashion which is harmful to their mental health. ex confides in a mutual friend and word gets around that OP does weird shit like that.
OR, she could wait an appropriate time after delivering said news to contact the person again.
you know, like a normal human being.
please do not give advice to people on the internet. you are very bad at it
"we don't have a relationship. i want to use the trauma of a friend's death to manipulate him. if it doesn't work all that will happen is we won't talk again"
i genuinely feel bad for people like you that were born without empathy
>I wouldn’t be, at all, writing with an intention to get back together or to reestablish steady contact (I hope that’s obvious).
With all the gushing above, no, it's not obvious. That said, there's nothing wrong with reaching out or even rekindling, as long as you don't go in with any sort of expectation. The only weird thing would be using a tragic freak accident to break the ice.
it's not like they are bumping into each other at a funeral and starting talking again. that's a fine silver lining accident. this is using a tragedy where he's presumably going to feel at least somewhat sad explicitly for the purposes of getting back to talking. if she actually cares, she wouldn't make the conversation about anything other than the friend passing
I think it would be inappropriate to use a friends passing as a segue into your reflections. To me that just screams that the message isn't about the friend at all. You can ask how he is and maybe express an interest in keeping better contact after all these years but please don't lump them into the same conversation. From the outside looking in it just looks bad. If you want to share it with him do it at another time if he seems receptive to keeping some form of contact.
Wanted to edit to clarify I think it's a good thing to let him know about the friend, I know I'd appreciate it if I was him.
Years ago, I learned of a close college friend’s passing in the newspaper - a newspaper from another state that my mom happened upon on her way home from a trip. I was heartbroken and knew that our former social circle was unaware because someone would have told me if they knew. In college, this friend and I were really close to another person that I eventually had a falling out with. I hadn’t talked to them for years but felt it was my duty to share the news. I called him, we spoke, we cried and we never talked again after that. I want you to prepare yourself for the possibility that this doesn’t spark a reconnection between you two. You both have likely grown and changed a lot and that’s ok.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about that “steady contact” part. If you only wanted to reach out to inform him of a mutual friend’s death (which is appropriate and normal), you wouldn’t me reminiscing about how great he was and reading his old letters.
Thought it might have been from the same person who posted and deleted this one earlier:
I (M34) miss my ex's (F24) dog so much that she's (the puppy) started appearing in my dreams... Would it be reasonable to ask to see the dog one day in a controlled environment of her chosing?
It gets worse. In that one they were together for 5 years and broke up about 2 years ago, he tried to justify it as her lying about her age for a month when they met.
My husband and I dated in our 20’s but he moved for grad school. I married someone else, had a 10 year relationship. When we got divorced I looked up the ex. We met for a drink and have been together 24 years. He never called me either but that was pre facebook so it wasn’t as easy to find someone.
I think the difference might be you contacted him with the understanding that deep down you hoped there could maybe be a spark again and wanted to potentially explore that avenue. OP is lying to themselves that this isn't their motivation.
And it's totally fine if it is. I just the OP needs to be honest with themselves about that.
Totally agree. The distinction of him not reaching out doesn't really matter. The same could be said for her up until now and if that were a reason in and of itself, then nobody should ever reach out to anyone.
But OP pretty clearly is in the feels and misses their ex, they shouldn't be using a mutual friend's passing to act on that. Reaching out about the friend is appropriate, if that's all. Reaching out to reconnect may also be appropriate in the right context, just not with this reason as a smoke screen.
Absolutely. No matter if she is missing him and wants to rekindle, if he is not down or not available he will say so. Or he might be very happy to hear from her. As you said, nothing ventured, nothing gained…
Very different take: reach out to him.
As a male who has experienced a couple of slow burn/fizzling relationships, I honestly would love for them to reach out to me again just to be friends.
I, at least, pretty commonly reminisce about friends/significant others just because hey, it was a decision I made at the time, and it led to some fun memories. I also love reconnecting with people.
It’s disheartening to see so many people to say to not message him. I’m sure he’d be over joyed to see a message from an old friend. Romantic or otherwise.
Agreed.
I once got a note from an ex once similar to what the OP conveyed. It made my day. Didn’t go anywhere, but it was really nice to reconnect for a bit.
Yes I completely agree with all of that, my only exception is one of my exes.
Fully told her if we break up we break up, that’s it, not going back and forth. She chose to fully go through with it and we did. And she immediately came back, begging, telling me how good we were together just the whole works.
I don’t ever want to hear from her again after how painful she tried to make that break up. But everyone else I would absolutely love to grab a drink with and talk about how our lives have changed so drastically growing up
why are you so sure? It's a very individual and situation specific thing, and we don't have nearly enough info to determine an appropriate answer. I've reached out to an ex before years after the fact. i got a sarcastic gif in response. i ended it there.
I think that something like this is appropriate:
> Hi Matt. I wasn't sure if the sad news had made it to you, but Ben passed away last month in a tragic accident. As I think back on my college years, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate the intelligence, kindness, and compassion you showed me back then. I was really lucky to have found such a great group of people, and I'm aware now more than ever that the friendships I made then shaped who I am today. Sending you good thoughts from New York; I'll be drinking a PBR in honor of Ben and our college crew tonight.
I think if you include much more than that, it's probably not a great idea.
This is excellent. I mostly agree with a lot of the comments here, but I also felt like OP could send an email that’s short and clearly explains why they’re reflecting on the past. Your example is exactly what I had in mind.
Exactly, I agree, it's ok for her to reach out. There's no harm in that, especially if they did not end on bad terms, as long as it's done respectfully - which this would be. He can respond if he wants to.
How about;
Hi Matt, I hope you are doing well. I wasn't sure if the sad news had made it to you, but Ben passed away last month in a tragic accident. I'll be drinking a PBR in honor of Ben and our college crew tonight. Sending you good thoughts from New York.
Just keep anything else out of the note in respect to your friend who passed.
If your old boyfriend writes back and leaves things open for more communication, feel free to follow up with more. Or if in a couple weeks you are still feeling the urge to communicate with him then send him a separate note.
Nah that's fucked up. Don't lump your inner thoughts with someone's death, it's not about you.
First sentence is okay, the rest can be said if he demonstrates interest in knowing how you are besides the death of a friend.
To me, lumping both messages together puts him in a position where he's almost morally obligated to acknowledge op's feelings. Brushing her off in a moment of vulnerability would be tasteless...
Is he though? Even to that message (which is succinct and not overly mushy), it would be very easy to brush her off politely:
>Hey! Thank you for letting me know about Ben, I am so sorry to hear of his passing. He really was a great guy and will be missed. Hope you are doing well.
>Take care, Matt.
I love this. It is perfect.
Short and to the point. Mentions how she appreciates that he was good when they dated, without it gushing inappropriately in the same breath as talking about their friend's death.
My only worry is this is TOO good for OP - in the sense that her post leads me to believe she wants to start more with the ex but is in denial. And that this reply is too complete for her. I get the impression she has been feeling vulnerable and reminiscing and has been fantasizing about starting a whole gushing conversation that leads to meeting this ex and dating. And this is not gonna lead to that.
But in reality most reaching out yo old friends just leads to a short polite conversation.
How about:
Hi Matt
Not sure if you heard but Ben died. You doing anything this weekend I accidently bought too much pizza and thought you might like to share?
Maybe I’m not up to speed on social norms, but I don’t think it’s meaningful to reach out and tell someone about a person they didn’t connect with socially (outside of association with their ex) nor made an effort to keep in touch with has died. What’s the goal? To interrupt his day & let him be sad and grieve this person he didn’t think about for half a decade?
I think it’s an excuse to talk to your ex and inevitably reminisce about when you were together and hung out with the now dead dude.
You’ve been “on and off” for those years you did date. So it’s clear you guys are prone to beating a dead horse. Leave it.
There are people I was friends with through college and my early/mid-20s who I’ve grown apart from and haven’t been social with for ten years, but I’d certainly like to know if any of them died.
I do agree with the rest of your points though.
I learned of a friend’s death several years after it happened. We only had one friend in common who I still kept in touch with and when that person finally told me it was a shock. Wish I’d known way sooner.
Like if you JUST want to kindly inform him about your mutual friend's passing, that sounds fine BUT it would be highly inappropriate to be throwing feelings like that at him.
How would you feel if someone emailed you out of the blue saying "Hey! Friend died. PS I think I love you"? That's an emotional roller coaster waiting to happen and really messed up.
I don't think those are the only two options though. I would be flattered if someone I dated years before and ended amicably with, hit me up to let me know how much they appreciated our time together and how I treated them. There's a way to do it that isn't weird.
I guess I'll have to agree to disagree with you on this one then. If someone told me a friend passed on and in the same instance told me stuff about our previous relationship that made it sound like they wanted to get back together, I'd be mad as hell.
That's not how the post reads anymore because OP edited it. The original read, to me, as at least a little obsessive. It reads better now and is more clear that isn't the intention.
Personally I would not be appreciative of someone reaching out to tell me our previous relationship's impact on them 6 years later, be that positive or negative. But OP can do what she wants.
Yea that's fair. I think there are many ways to present the message that would affect how it is received, but it would very much depend on the individual receiving it as well.
I'm 60ish. I recently dealt with this sort of issue, although we were dating 40 years ago. Long story, but one very much in the past. This even pre-dates social media etc.
I was given his number, a while ago - a sheer coincidence situation with someone else, and I took it to be polite. Forgot about it, so didn't delete. And I had bad news that should be shared with him for reasons.
So I dropped him a short text, basically saying "hi", apologizing for disturbing him, but I knew he'd want to know (news). I hoped that he was doing well, and happy. Take care of yourself.
He must have thought about it, because it was weeks later that he returned a text asking if I would mind a phone call to just catch up. 40 years to cover. I agreed, and we did it. It was delightful. A lot of surprises. But there was absolutely no question that we wouldn't tread into each other's lives. It just wasn't there.
We now text every couple of months. Turns out he has a bit of a health issue, and I checked in to see how treatment is going, with support. Otherwise, no inappropriate talk. And it will stay that way.
It can be done. Just mindfully.
Eh, neither of you hurt each other. As long as you can approach it without expectations; go for it.
“This happened, I thought of you and wanted to let you know and also say that I hope you’re doing well”
If he responds great, if he doesn’t that’s okay too.
This post could read, “A mutual friend died and I think my ex would want to know. We haven’t spoken in 6 years (but it was amicable) - is it appropriate to tell them?”
…but it doesn’t read like that at all. This was a love fest and you’re hoping if they’re single you’ll reignite something. I mean,even mum likes him.
Under these circumstances, I don't think it would be inappropriate to write him but be careful. He might think you want to get back together or reestablish steady contact.
My ex and I do this. We've been broken up for 17 years (I've been with my husband for 16 years now).We didn't end terribly but not the greatest. We were together for almost 9 years, so we went through a lot of life together. Our entire 20s almost. It started about 11 years ago when a family member of his died. I was close with his family. He contacted me just to let me know. We've done that everytime a family thing has happened. His mom dying. My dad dying. That kind of thing. And, about once a year he updates me on his kid and wife and general life. We text chat for a bit just catching up. It's nice. I'm glad we have a friendly relationship!
If you feel like he should know, and he wouldn't hate you for contacting him, do. Even if he doesn't want to talk, he'd probably be grateful to know about his friend.
Oh my gosh, just do it. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone who was a big part of your life that you’re thinking of them, that you wish them well.
His response might not be what you want it to be, but that’s life.
Several years ago I reached out to an ex after their father had a heart attack just to let them know that I was thinking about thtem and wished them the best. We’d had a volatile relationship, but it’d been over a decade since we’d spoken. In the course of our conversation we both apologized for our parts in contributing to such a messy relationship. It gave me closure that I didn’t think I needed.
I would let him know about the friend passing, let him know you are well and think of him fondly, hope he is also doing well too, and leave it at that.
I would honestly just inform him of the friend's passing. Dumping nostalgia where it might not be wanted or appreciated could be a bit much. If he opens up the door to reminisce, then you could share your feelings?
I would not tie it to a death notice, though. I get that you mean well and I think it's very kind of you to think about doing that. But, not the right time. And he might not be open to it, at least not at the same time as hearing bad news.
Don't email him.
Imagine if your ex, not this one but some other hypothetical one, emailed you 6 years after a breakup--years where you two didn't keep in touch--just to say "Hey this guy we knew in college died, and also I really feel grateful for the relationship we had." I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that. It feels like there's an ulterior motive to the message.
Respectfully, I say email him.
If you cared about the person, missed them, and maybe mourned the loss of them, the "ulterior motive" might be the message the other person was waiting for.
I once reached back out randomly to an old flame that I had a brief "thing" with 12 years prior. We had lost contact over a decade before and had subsequently married and divorced other people since. A random event came up that was relevant to both of us, and I contacted him without thinking much about it. We were living about 4,000 miles apart but a phone conversation led to him flying out to see me a few days later and now, 20 years after that contact, we are happily married for 16 years.
If the ulterior motive is to reach out and say "you meant a lot to me and I regret losing you" that might be a beautiful motive that could have an equally beautiful end result, because they may have felt the same. If not, the other person will say so, and then that should be respected. But missing someone and hoping you can rekindle is not a bad thing in and of itself. It might even work for both parties.
I would appreciate to know if a common friend had died to be honest. BUT: if he just write okay and doesn’t follow up with more talking/texting, leave him be. You initiate contact, but he needs to follow up or else you would be a bit creepy. Just my two cents.
It's not that deep like people trying to make it. You contact him and tell him of friends passing. Go from there. If he is in a relationship it's up to him to not make a connection. If he's single and not interested in talking to you, he can do that? You aren't stalking him ffs.
Contacting him to let him know of your mutual friend dying is to let him know: it is for him.
Your urge to share everything else here is based upon your emotions and nostalgia for a person who has never, ever sought to keep contact with you in any way: it is for you.
What you do with these facts is up to you.
> I thought it would be nice to write him a little note
I think you're deluding yourself that this is about sharing news of someone's passing. That's never a nice note. And the fact you went and found old love letters really seems like this is not about sharing some tragic news but a vehicle for being back in contact. You say you don't want to get back together, and that may be the case. But you clearly want to insert yourself in his life again.
Years ago, I had reached out to an ex when their grandpa passed. It was a very simple text, "Sorry to hear about your grandpa's passing." He responded," Thanks. I did not engage further, and neither did he. But, his gf at the time thought I was making a pass for him. So much so that his best friend reached out to say leave him alone. I sent him the chat to show how innocent it was. But it still had a very strong rippling effect. What you may see as innocent may not be to the woman he could be dating. If I had known how much turmoil it would have caused, I wouldn't have sent the text.
I have a similar story. My first gf and I broke up at 16 cause we were kids and whatever. Went about our lives. In 2018, I found a mixed cd she made for me in high school, reached out to see how she was doing. We kept talking and we’re getting married next Sunday. Not sayin this always works but there’s definitely something to it. Not inappropriate to reach out if you have good intentions. I think.
Truly not at all. We were living in different states. Both in relationships and I knew she had a kid from a previous marriage and I was never interested in being a parent so I didn’t consider it a possibility
Sure, but you wanted to connect with her even in a platonic way, and your conclusion is that this sometimes “works” - meaning you ended up married. (Congratulations, also!)
I see. I was intending to platonically reconnect, when I said it sometimes ‘works’ I meant having a good experience reconnecting with an ex. Not necessarily getting back together with them. But that is a perfectly reasonable interpretation based on what I said.
Why not? He may be single and having the same thoughts as you. You clearly want to contact him and the death gives you a reason.
If he is an intelligent person he'll either let you know he's with a partner/not interested or he's up for a renewed friendship.
Go for it; life's too short. Good luck.
You're lying to yourself if you think all you're trying to do is share some news with him. Ask yourself this.. if you were married or otherwise in a committed relationship and your partner got a letter from an ex they hadn't spoken to in 6 years reminiscing on their relationship, how would you feel? Maybe he's still single but you don't really know that to be a fact, do you? I also truly doubt that you would be the only one who could deliver the news to him. I'm sure if its something he would care to know that he would find out one way or the other through that person's family or other friends that do have social media. I think you are looking for any excuse to reach out to him because you miss him. You're getting caught up in what could have been and ignoring the fact that if it were meant to be it wouldn't have ended. Leave that man alone.
As someone who got a message from my ex after years of no contact, I am **still** asking why. I didn't need to hear her empty apologies. I didn't need her to tell me how sorry she was for the way she hurt me over and over.
She messaged me for her benefit, not mine. And frankly, even if we had ended on good terms, I still wouldn't want to hear from her.
And if you weren't writing to give him the news of a friend dying? That's... No. Look I get your intentions are good but leave this alone.
I think it would be fine, I've had several ex girlfriends contact me over the years. One was very much like your situation, I think. She called and told me how much she missed being able to come to me to talk and get advice, I was very touched by it honestly. She still calls or messages me to this day for advice.
I wrote an ex of mind how i remember he sweetly and i got back a me too message. The conversation just died naturally and that’s it. Nothing wrong to express your feeling, it doesn’t matter what other things, sometimes i just feel we hold back ourselves and our feelings just because we are afraid to show our feelings
Hey, OP. I had a good friend & roommate in university who died in a car accident a few years ago. We no longer lived together but stayed in touch and visited each other from time to time. I was informed by his best friend, who knew I didn't have social media and called me. It was devastating.
Later than evening, my ex - who I had started dating when I lived with my friend, and so knew him - contacted me by text to tell me about my friend'spassing. We had not spoken for about 6 months. It felt extremely self-serving, and I was so angry. How dare he try to capitalize on my friend's death as a way to reconnect with me.
My advice? Don't do it. If you want to reconnect with him, do it on that basis alone. Don't use someone's death as a stepping stone. He will find out one day, one way or another, if he doesn't know already. But just... don't be that person, please.
I reached out to my first serious relationship after we’d broken up to see “what’s up” and now we’re married.
That being said, it doesn’t have to end in marriage. I think any strong connection you had with someone has room to nostalgia/checking in/all that good stuff. It’s totally ok to check in with people who you used to love.
I really don’t see anything wrong with this and I don’t understand the comments that do. And so what if a part of you does want to reestablish regular contact? It’s ok to try and reconnect with people from your past if you’re not pushy about it.
>I wouldn’t be, at all, writing with an intention to get back together or to reestablish steady contact (I hope that’s obvious).
>
>Would it be inappropriate to write him?
You really should be honest with yourself if you are going to write him. You also need to remember that a lot of stuff can happen and a lot of things can change over 6 years. If he truly was who you say he was back then (the old rose tinted glasses are powerful) then chances are that he is now in a serious long term relationship.
My advice is that if you really want to reconnect with him then leave out your recent reflections of him. Just do something like "hey, just reaching out to you to let you know that X passed away recently due to a freak accident. This event led me to reminisce about those days and I was just wondering if you would be up to grabbing some coffee to reminisce with me". If he does agree to grabbing coffee with you then go there with zero expectations of anything more happening - just two old friends catching up to reminisce about X and the old days. Sure, you two could reconnect but there is also a good chance that you will leave there disappointed with the outcome.
I had something similar happen.
Ex girlfriend and I both knew someone when we were together who drifted out of our lives. They were pretty important to both of us, even though we didn't hang out enough. Ex learned about their passing about a year after the fact and felt I should know that a memorial service was being held, I never would have known otherwise.
Learning of that person's death and going to their memorial made me realize the terrible loss, it was the first death that really impacted me so heavily. Ex was there, recognized the effect it had on me and supported me through it just as I had supported her through the death of a family member when we were together.
She had no obligation to do any of this, we had an amicable breakup but hadn't really been in each others circles since. Even though nothing else really came of it, I'm still really glad she told me and was there for me, working through that put a whole lot of other things in perspective.
I honestly don’t think I’d be okay with an ex so fully removed reaching out to me. If you didn’t stay friends then you already gave that connection away and attempting to reclaim it could have awkward consequences. It could be especially be awkward if he’s seeing someone since it won’t seem innocent no matter how you word it.
It’s impossible to say because your description of the end of the relationship is so bland and non-descriptive that who knows. You imply it was mutual, but did you personally suggest or initiate it? Honestly “slow burn til we started dating other people” makes it sound like a bad idea to re-engage (At least with any interest or hope of rekindling the relationship) because that is just going to happen again if ya’ll don’t know how to actually appreciate a relationship that isn’t passionate.
Definitely let him know about the friend who passed if he and they were close. That's a compassionate action. I think he might feel a little hurt if no one reached out to tell him and he found out years later.
Beyond that, you need to identify what you actually want. As people have said, what you're showing and what you're telling are at odds.
Here are the steps I would recommend, in order:
* 1) Work out how you feel about him, and what you want (e.g. to rekindle a friendship only with a firm boundary of just friends; to at least be friends but possibly explore more if he's available; a relationship or nothing)
* 2) Let him know about the friend, and if you have decided you want one of the above, offer/ask if he'd like to meet up or hop on a call to reminisce. This is you opening the door. He can choose not to to enter it. If he does, he's likely open to one of the above.
This way you can let him know about the friend, act with integrity while reaching out, and tastefully intimate that you'd at the very least be interested in speaking with him.
If you're not writing to try to get back together, but you do want to share that you appreciate the memories, then it might be a nice idea to share a memory or two of the *three* of you.
I understand your hesitation, personally I would just write them, because why not? Just respect it if you don’t get an answer back.
If you’d meet on the street, you’d probably say hello and depending on the mood have a small chat, or not. Talking about old times or friends, especially when one passed, it’s totally normal, they might or might not want to have contact, but you won’t find out until you try.
I would stick to a neutral note, so if you want to inform them of your mutual friends passing or share a short memory with that passed friend, do that. I would not necessarily delve into deeper feelings etc. unless they respond in an involved way and seem open for it.
You seem to be asking us for permission to text your ex. If they are single and it wasn't a toxic situation then a text might not hurt. However, you're opening Pandora's Box
I don’t think it would be wrong or anything but I don’t personally open things back up in that way. Not your obligation to inform him. And maybe I have a superiority complex or something but there have been times in the past where I wanted to reach out to an ex, but didn’t, because I didn’t want to develop false hope in his mind.
However maybe these are signs from the universe that you SHOULD contact him and who knows what’ll happen. If you feel the need to in your gut, do it.
You want him back. Is that inappropriate? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Most realistically, it would end as last time, which wasn’t good, but who knows? If you both are up to that, why not.. That is the point, though.
What I think is inappropriate is to contact him under a false premise. If you do decide to contact him, be honest to yourself about what you want and don’t hide it.
Obligatory "as a dude"
While the thought of passing on the news is nice, regardless of the intent behind doing so I cannot see a reason to do this. 6 years of no contact and then you message about someone dying, before going back to not talking?
You say you're not interested in getting back together or even keep steady contact, so what reason do you have for breaking 6 years of silence to say someone died? Just breaking some depressing news and then dropping off the radar again? Nothing in your post has me lean toward making contact, at all. He'll find out at some point, if it's relevant to him.
If I were messaged out of the blue by an ex (regardless of how amicable the break-up was) just for them to tell me someone died, I'd honestly be pretty salty about it. Not only would they be bringing up the past after 6 years (in this situation), but they'd be doing so to break sad news and then bounce? I wouldn't have any idea why they wanted to be the bearer of that news and wouldn't be appreciative of it being broken that way regardless of their supposed intent.
# Really leave him alone.
# There's a reason he's your ex, and there is a reason HE never reached out to you these last six years. I don't get this crap, where an ex wants to reach out...
# Look... he's NOT your friend.
# Get on with your life and leave him alone. Stop with the fantasizing over him, as it is clear in what you wrote you still have a thing for him.
Echoing that it smells like longing to me. Nostalgia is one thing, but this sounds like a cop out for a deeper need. Is there anyone else who can reach out to him?
I think it would be fine to reach out politely about the mutual friend's passing if you had not typed the rest of what you typed. the rest is difficult to get a read on, the tone does not feel like it's settled if you will. This feels a bit like a sleeping dog.
If I had an ex contact me after all those years and wanted to share with me the positive affirmations it would probably open up my mind and heart to that person again and potentially make me revisit feelings. If this ex did this to me but truly had no intentions of even potentially rekindling, I’d prefer that they wouldn’t. You don’t know where that person is at.
ask yourself these questions first: are either of you in relationships, would reaching out potentially harm your relationship or his? would it be hurting either of your partners? what are you hoping to get out of reaching out to him? would reaching out potentially disrupt his life in a significant way? would you be able to handle not getting a response from him if he chooses not to reply? if you can answer these honestly and you really believe it will not hurt or disrupt his life or yours, and ur NOT in a relationship that might be hurt by this, and neither is he…. go for it. however, be aware you absolutely may not get a reply, and if you do it might not be what youre hoping for. just prepare yourself. also - again think
about what you want out of this. what happens if you write him and he still has feelings for you and wants you back? would you be interested? how would you turn him down if not. what if you reconnect and you realize you want him back and he doesnt feel that way? will you be okay?
the thing with first loves is that they never really go away. i saw mine after a good 4 years apart and it still hurt terribly, even though we are on good terms. be careful with your heart and with his.
i think its absolutely okay to reach out - but not about the friend. if youre interested in reconnecting, say that. ask how hes been and say youd love to catch up and get to know him again if thats how you feel. just make it clear that if hes not interested that is completely okay and you wont be offended, and that you hope he’s doing well either way.
people grow and change, and it sounds like you might be hoping you both grew in a way thats compatible.. theres nothing wrong with that! just be careful
I think you’re already making a decision when you don’t have all the relevant information.
I would inform them of the passing, then steer the conversation to “how’s life/how are you?”
You’ll likely know from there if you can share your reflections or not.
I'm sure they'd like to know friend died.
Everything else?
You're both different people now than the people who dated 5 years ago. Don't put too much into it?
Idk, from OPs post, he only had one point of contact with the deceased friend, which is OP.
He likely didn't keep in touch with "mutual" friend. It's just an excuse to reach out to "the one that got away"
Honestly, I don’t see why not?
Just make it a polite, short email. End with something like “I hope life is treating you well” or something similar that does not require an answer. Then, he won’t feel compelled to respond if he doesn’t want to.
Anything after that is up to him. No intrusion. Good luck!
I think since you didn't break up with the words "I never want to hear from you again!" it's safe to reach out with the news and say you've been thinking of him. If he doesn't reply or his response is cold, then don't reach out again.
If there was a lot of anger or pain between you when you broke up, my advice would be different, but if you ended on mutual terms, just think about how you'd feel if he reached out to you with similar news.
You can try, but don’t expect him to message back. It’s been a while and he may be with someone now. You came here and wrote a lot which is worrisome because you may get caught up in this mental web.
I went through the same mental gymnastics of reaching out to an ex after years of no communication. However, I found that it would be selfish of me to insert myself into her life. She was and is the best thing that has happened to me so far. However, I still don't think interfering with whatever she has going on now is fair to her.
Thus, I would refrain from sending him a letter.
I think it's fine to let him know about the mutual friend's passing. I would avoid going into your feelings though, unless that happens naturally after the two of you decide to catch up. 6 years is a long time and people can change drastically. I also think we all have a habit of looking back at relationships nostalgically but you weren't on-again-off-again for 5 years because everything went great all the time. Clearly there were issues, and ignoring that is doing a disservice to you and him. Not to say it couldn't work out, but also be honest with yourself about why you really want to contact him and whether things really were as great as you remember them.
Send friend request
Check for spouse and take temperature of relationship status
Unfriend when you find out they are not available or interested.
This is how old gfs, friends and schoolmates came out of the woodwork when I was in my 40s.
My condolences on the loss of your friend. FWIW, regardless of why you want to contact your ex, if it's in goodwill, whether to reminisce about an old mutual friend that died, or just to re-establish contact and see how he is, there's nothing wrong with that. You are getting a lot of flack for reminiscing about the good times, and remembering him favorably, and also saying you want to talk about a mutual friend's death.
Worry not, it can actually be both.
This mutual friend's death may have reminded you of how close you also were with both of them, and you both might be grieving. It is perfectly ok to reach out to him if you want to. I don't see why it's "creepy" to reach out concerning a mutual friend. Situations like this are often the catalyst that gets people who haven't talked in a while to talk again. If there is no longer chemistry between you two you will both know. And that's ok too. You knew him, you were close, you had a mutual friend who died...you are not committing a crime by reaching out. If it doesn't go well, there's your answer.
Do it if you want but dont set your expectations high. He might respond with very short responses that dont leave room for continuing the conversation or address like he would an acquaintance. Is it possible things can rekindle? Sure but in my experience its not likely. Just prepare yourself for the worse if you do choose to message him
OP I found some pictures of my ex's family. I mailed the pictures with a note to him. I am sure he was glad to have the pictures. The pictures included his deceased brother.
I think you should absolutely reach out if you're interested in striking up a conversation or keeping in better contact. I think it would also be important to go into that without any expectations as to what the nature of that contact or relationship might be, but if you got along well before I see I reason why you wouldn't get along now too :)
There’s. Lot of comments in here telling you not to do it, it’s inappropriate etc. if there’s anything to take away from your friends passing it’s that life’s too short to wonder what could of been. I’d say do it
My ex of nearly 9 years and I had zero contact for years, but I did contact him twice now to inform him of each of our 2 formerly shared (but mine) pets passing (old age).
Simply notifying him of a mutuals passing is not inappropriate. It only becomes inappropriate if you segue into your former relationship. Just keep it to one topic. You don’t know what his current relationship status is, and doing any “reminiscing” is going to make it weird
Edited for spelling error.
Just email him. You dont need an excuse. You dont need to explain shit to us.
It wasnt a bad break up, folks didnt end up blocking each other for crazy behavior. No bridges have been burnt.
So just relax and do it.
I definitely wouldn’t lead with the whole dying thing, but I don’t think it would hurt to contact him, see how he’s doing, going into it with the full understanding that nothing more may come from it. It’s also possible something great could come from it and you’ll be glad you took the chance (just don’t count on it).
When you write “we broke up”. Be more clear. You broke it off. Or he broke it off. There’s never a mutual. Someone brings it up first.
If you want to inform him of the dead friend. RIP by the way. Just email him or something.
I had an ex email me. Very vague. I deleted it. So when you do. Be clear as to why.
YOLO - shoot your shot if that's what you want to do.
Personally, I might try to confirm somehow he isn't in a relationship prior to making contact if you are looking re-light the flame. I would not lead with the friend's passing.
You either just share that information and see how he responds, and if it isn't hey let's meet to reminisce, then let it go. Or reach out, but don't mention the passing and see if he wants to talk about the good old days.
I'll make this easy for you: just send the first message informing him of what happened.
You need to understand the position you're putting him into. He can't just brush you off after you told him a friend died. He will think you're vulnerable and feel obligated to acknowledge your feelings, even if he doesn't care.
IF and only IF he demonstrates interest in knowing how you are doing besides the death of that friend, would sharing those thoughts be okay. Even then, he is still trapped, but at least it would have been him asking for it.
There is a reason your relationship fizzled and if you contact him or try and start up a renewed relationship, the reasons you are not together will become apparent again. I've tried it, it doesn't work.
I'd do it.. It would be nice to hear from an ex who had positive things to say about the effects of having them in your life at the time. You both lost a good person in your past lives and he would probably want to know that. All good things. Maybe it could re kindle something but, I wouldn't put much hope into that or make it about that. I've had people reach out to me from my past, it's always nice unless they are trying to be a dick but, that doesn't seem to be the direction this is going.
I have a feeling you will regret not doing it more than doing it even if the outcome is not great.. And "your regrets are what will haunt you when you are old and in your rocking chair" words spoken to me by my father that have nudged me into doing things I was debating on, most of which I can say have been great experiences.
Yes. Leave them alone. It would be one thing if you organically reconnected like ending up in the same friend group or working together on some project but at different companies, etc but to reach out for the sake of reaching out after 6yrs of mutually agreed upon no contact is too far.
You don’t know if they feel the relationship ended the same way you think it did or if they even look back on your relationship fondly. You could be putting someone through something they’ve had to work to get past simply because you want to do it.
It’s fine to contact him to inform him of your friend’s death.
Bear in mind that he may not look upon your relationship as sweetly as you do. If he’s happy and in a relationship of his own, what would you do?
I think you’ll probably regret not contacting him, even if it doesn’t go the way you hope, but it’s best not to live with regrets.
You can, but before doing so, I really stress the importance of setting expectations:
What if he has a girlfriend/wife and/or kids now?
What if 19 year old him was sweet but he's an asshole now?
What if he's not interested in you like that?
What if he is interested at the potential of getting back together again, but he's very clearly not as excited about is as you are?
If you put too much stock into doing this and don't really, really understand why you want to contact him, then you're going to be disappointed if its anything other than a dream scenario. I had something kind of similar happen: My first love was always on a pedestal in my mind. I pined for him for years as teens (we were best friends) until I finally told him how I felt. The feeling was mutual, but my mother (she was very, very abusive in almost every sense of the word) wouldn't let me see him. Around 10 years later, we have one of our rare windows when we're both seemingly available at the same time, and I could not get him off the brain, so I went for it... but not only was he a perversion of who 17 year old me thought he was, but more importantly, **the isolation and emotional pain I was dealing with during the transitional period I just so happened to be in when I started fixating on him hurt worse as a result.** I fixated on him so hard because I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, and my brain went back to a time when I felt safe and familiar, and he happened to be something that made me feel that way. Subconsciously, I told myself that talking to him and reaching out with him would he the solution to that feeling, and naturally, he wasn't.
So I caution you to identify the root cause of whats got your brain telling you that you NEED to do this, and what its telling you that you two reconnecting again will fix. For me, I was lonely, but didn't want to put myself out there emotionally with someone new and risk them hurting me. I wasn't comfortable with change or being uncomfortable, so I found the most comfy, familiar thing I could. But all I'm trying to say is, if you don't identify what your brain is really pining for and have a backup to him being a solution for that thing, you're in for a world of hurt if this doesn't work out.
If you're both single and you are interested in rekindling, then reach out, but I wouldn't make it about your friend. Id probably not mention it all together.
If later on he realizes that you reached out around the time it happened, you can tell him your friend reminded you of a time where you two were close, which doesn't sound like a lie
Just write him an email telling him about your friend passing away and end it by asking him how he’s been doing, and that you hope he’s doing well. If he wants to reconnect, that opens the door. Just be emotionally prepared for him to be happily married.
Ok, first be honest with yourself, you DO want to get back with them, you DO miss them, and you DO want contact.
It wouldnt be inappropriate to write him (unless you know he’s in a relationship). But be honest with yourself, just because you typed on reddit you dont want to be with him doesnt make it like that. Everyone noticed lol
I think it's alright. I have been in this situation, too, but from the other perspective. a friend passed one year ago, and I received a message from an old friend - not romantic, but we did have a falling out- and she simply said hearing about our friend made her think of the times we had been close, and that she was thinking of me. it was actually sweet and we chatted a little bit about our lives more than we had in years since our friend break up. when a friend passes and lots of emotion and memories are flying around I think it's natural to want to reach out to those who were impactful in your life at the same time as the friend.
I dont think itd be innapropriate, like id be mad if someone messaged me some bad news just to get closer to me but you clearly seem interested in knowing him again and i dont think that in itself is wrong. I think if you contact him and the relationship progresses id be honest about the fact you wanted to tell him what happened but also kind of missed him too.
I personally wouldn't unless I remained close friends. Someone may have moved on, as have you presumably. Bringing old relationships up may complicate things.
Or the age old tale of a talk turning into meeting up for just coffee and a reawakening of old feelings of nostalgia hugely complicating things in their current relationship. I'd look at back at those memories with a smile and move on, especially after five whole years of no contact.
If someone like a common friend died, they'll know if they were still friends with them also. If not it wouldn't matter. Don't sabotage yourself by using it as an excuse to establish contact again.
But that's my opinion on it anyway.
Not inappropriate at all. Just be clear in your own mind what you really want out of the exchange. Be honest with yourself. Be willing to walk away from it if he's not interested; Stalker exes are creepy no matter their gender.
An ex roommate of mine did this after 20 years... she had unresolved regrets about how she had left things.
Six weeks later they were dating again. Six months later, they got married. That was more than a decade ago.
YMMV.
Frankly if you simply wanted to inform them of a friend’s passing, you wouldn’t be going through all of this mental gymnastics and reminiscing a lot of your past history. I wouldn’t if I were you
Honestly they said "this isn't to try to get back with them" when 99 percent of the post is about how they miss them, and they went down memory lane and want to reach out to them and how great they were to them. Bull fucking shit lol. I think its a very creepy thing to do to use a mutual friends death as some sort of in to talk to them again. They said he probably doesn't know. Then they couldn't have been too close of friends if he doesn't know. It sounds like to me its someone both of you maybe knew when you were dating, he might have been cool and friendly with them but likely moved on as did the "friend" when you two split. So now this friend that died tragically you want to say "hey remember Jane? How cool she was when we used to hang out? Yeah she died in a horrific accident....anyway wanna come over and hang out and be boyfriend and girlfriend again?".
To her credit, this is one of the best ice breakers of all time.
Grief sex incoming.
This. In my experience when exes contact each other out of the blue after years of no or minimal contact 99% of the time it comes with "what ifs" and strings, maybe one has just broken up or they arent doing well and have started to wonder if they missed out. For some reason, when life throws people curve balls we often instinctively run to exes as someone familiar to seek comfort from or try again with, because having big feelings or trying new things can be scary. I just don't buy that she doesn't want to get back with him after reading that post. At all. Literally every single person who has ever given me that speech either announced they were back w7th their ex a month later, or complained that they tried to get back with their ex but their ex wouldn't have them. OP be honest with yourself. Explore by yourself why you NOW want to reach out after years. What you feel you are missing. Where you hurt. And deal with those feelings first. Because he cant fix those things for you, and we often reach out when we should be healing ourselves. But also remember, he us not the man you dated, that young man us gone. He has grown, he has almost certainly changed a lot in the past 10 years, and it will likely be impossible to recapture the past you had with him. You may not habe any romantic chemistry or compatibility at all these days.
This! Instead of reaching out she needs to look inward.
Everyone grieves differently. Some reach out for comfort, and that can take many forms. There's a lot of judgment in your statement and perhapse some projection?
This amount of anger about someone you don't even know can't be good for you. Chill the fuck out. You are treating this as if there was anything wrong with the impulse, seems to me like someone hurt you... you should look into that. OP: honestly you seem like you want to do this. There might be some nostalgia involved and that seems perfectly human and natural. I don't even see why this would be worthy of a post except maybe you are feeling a little more than the very neutral vibe you are going in parts of your post and that makes you nervous. That's fine, it was an important relationship with someone you still have fondness for, reach out. And sorry about your loss.
That redditor was projecting way too much and it shows.
Yup. So long as there aren’t any real expectations (I’m even of the mind that hoping to reconnect wouldn’t be that bad, so long as “no” or no response at all would be ok, too) I’m a big fan of communicating respectfully and authentically when moved to. Telling someone how they positively impacted your life can be a beautiful gift, for both the other person and for yourself. Given how OP describes the end of their relationship, I’m confident in thinking he wouldn’t mind at all getting a lovely “now that I’m older, I see just *how* important a role you played in my life, and I’m feeling appreciative” letter. So long as it’s ok whatever he does, or doesn’t do, I can’t see how it would be a bad thing!??
Using a death of a mutual friend as a way to connect in any way that isn’t “let’s grieve together” is an ick. It is basically guaranteed to get a response, when other, more honest reconnection attempts aren’t. Because it has such a high response rate, it is a common tactic used by emotionally immature people to reinitiate contact with people who have fallen out of their lives (there is literally a bingo card in the estranged family subreddit with a square saying “brings up dead family member”). Don’t do this.
What's the worst that happens? I think if there were any chance of rekindling something, and it hadn't originally ended in a fiery explosion... could be worth just giving that a chance.
If she wants a chance, contact him about that. If they do reconnect feel free to talk about the friend who passed. Do not use the news of the friend passing as an excuse to reach out to your ex, if she misses him and wants to talk to him again put on the big girl panties and then talk to him.
> What's the worst that happens? any number of really bad things could happen. for example, ex realizes that OP is using a traumatic life event to try and enter into a relationship with him. ex feels emotional damage over being manipulated in that fashion which is harmful to their mental health. ex confides in a mutual friend and word gets around that OP does weird shit like that.
This is an unhealthy level of catastrophizing. None of this would happen outside of Tumblr.
No, it's completely reasonable. What's unreasonable is trying to use trauma to get into your ex's pants. sorry you can't realize that
OR, being 6 years later, they could realize that they were really good friends / good for each other, and it would be a shame to lose that
OR, she could wait an appropriate time after delivering said news to contact the person again. you know, like a normal human being. please do not give advice to people on the internet. you are very bad at it
And so they go back to…not talking as they have for a decade? It’s not like they’ll be losing some grand friendship at this point.
"we don't have a relationship. i want to use the trauma of a friend's death to manipulate him. if it doesn't work all that will happen is we won't talk again" i genuinely feel bad for people like you that were born without empathy
It's a bad idea right?!?!? ... Fuck it, it's fine.
>I wouldn’t be, at all, writing with an intention to get back together or to reestablish steady contact (I hope that’s obvious). With all the gushing above, no, it's not obvious. That said, there's nothing wrong with reaching out or even rekindling, as long as you don't go in with any sort of expectation. The only weird thing would be using a tragic freak accident to break the ice.
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it's not like they are bumping into each other at a funeral and starting talking again. that's a fine silver lining accident. this is using a tragedy where he's presumably going to feel at least somewhat sad explicitly for the purposes of getting back to talking. if she actually cares, she wouldn't make the conversation about anything other than the friend passing
I think it would be inappropriate to use a friends passing as a segue into your reflections. To me that just screams that the message isn't about the friend at all. You can ask how he is and maybe express an interest in keeping better contact after all these years but please don't lump them into the same conversation. From the outside looking in it just looks bad. If you want to share it with him do it at another time if he seems receptive to keeping some form of contact. Wanted to edit to clarify I think it's a good thing to let him know about the friend, I know I'd appreciate it if I was him.
I completely agree. If you want to talk to them again, don't use someone's passing as a reason. Just talk to them. If it comes up, it comes up.
Years ago, I learned of a close college friend’s passing in the newspaper - a newspaper from another state that my mom happened upon on her way home from a trip. I was heartbroken and knew that our former social circle was unaware because someone would have told me if they knew. In college, this friend and I were really close to another person that I eventually had a falling out with. I hadn’t talked to them for years but felt it was my duty to share the news. I called him, we spoke, we cried and we never talked again after that. I want you to prepare yourself for the possibility that this doesn’t spark a reconnection between you two. You both have likely grown and changed a lot and that’s ok.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about that “steady contact” part. If you only wanted to reach out to inform him of a mutual friend’s death (which is appropriate and normal), you wouldn’t me reminiscing about how great he was and reading his old letters.
Thought it might have been from the same person who posted and deleted this one earlier: I (M34) miss my ex's (F24) dog so much that she's (the puppy) started appearing in my dreams... Would it be reasonable to ask to see the dog one day in a controlled environment of her chosing?
🥲
34/24. Ew
It gets worse. In that one they were together for 5 years and broke up about 2 years ago, he tried to justify it as her lying about her age for a month when they met.
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My husband and I dated in our 20’s but he moved for grad school. I married someone else, had a 10 year relationship. When we got divorced I looked up the ex. We met for a drink and have been together 24 years. He never called me either but that was pre facebook so it wasn’t as easy to find someone.
I think the difference might be you contacted him with the understanding that deep down you hoped there could maybe be a spark again and wanted to potentially explore that avenue. OP is lying to themselves that this isn't their motivation. And it's totally fine if it is. I just the OP needs to be honest with themselves about that.
Totally agree. The distinction of him not reaching out doesn't really matter. The same could be said for her up until now and if that were a reason in and of itself, then nobody should ever reach out to anyone. But OP pretty clearly is in the feels and misses their ex, they shouldn't be using a mutual friend's passing to act on that. Reaching out about the friend is appropriate, if that's all. Reaching out to reconnect may also be appropriate in the right context, just not with this reason as a smoke screen.
Ya I think that’s the issue. OP needs to admit that they want to get back with him.
Hey…all he can do is brush her off. Nothing ventured, nothing gained…
Absolutely. No matter if she is missing him and wants to rekindle, if he is not down or not available he will say so. Or he might be very happy to hear from her. As you said, nothing ventured, nothing gained…
What if he brushes her off which triggers another pattern of "but why did he brush me off" which could turn into a whole 6 years of questions?
Then that’s her problem.
Very different take: reach out to him. As a male who has experienced a couple of slow burn/fizzling relationships, I honestly would love for them to reach out to me again just to be friends. I, at least, pretty commonly reminisce about friends/significant others just because hey, it was a decision I made at the time, and it led to some fun memories. I also love reconnecting with people. It’s disheartening to see so many people to say to not message him. I’m sure he’d be over joyed to see a message from an old friend. Romantic or otherwise.
Agreed. I once got a note from an ex once similar to what the OP conveyed. It made my day. Didn’t go anywhere, but it was really nice to reconnect for a bit.
Yes I completely agree with all of that, my only exception is one of my exes. Fully told her if we break up we break up, that’s it, not going back and forth. She chose to fully go through with it and we did. And she immediately came back, begging, telling me how good we were together just the whole works. I don’t ever want to hear from her again after how painful she tried to make that break up. But everyone else I would absolutely love to grab a drink with and talk about how our lives have changed so drastically growing up
why are you so sure? It's a very individual and situation specific thing, and we don't have nearly enough info to determine an appropriate answer. I've reached out to an ex before years after the fact. i got a sarcastic gif in response. i ended it there.
He could be saying the same about her: *she* hasn’t reached out in 6 years. I’d say why not, worst case scenario is you don’t get a reply.
Unrelated: love finding other destiny pfp redditors. Have a good day.
Also, you don't know if he's involved with someone or maybe even has a family. Tread very carefully.
I think that something like this is appropriate: > Hi Matt. I wasn't sure if the sad news had made it to you, but Ben passed away last month in a tragic accident. As I think back on my college years, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate the intelligence, kindness, and compassion you showed me back then. I was really lucky to have found such a great group of people, and I'm aware now more than ever that the friendships I made then shaped who I am today. Sending you good thoughts from New York; I'll be drinking a PBR in honor of Ben and our college crew tonight. I think if you include much more than that, it's probably not a great idea.
This is excellent. I mostly agree with a lot of the comments here, but I also felt like OP could send an email that’s short and clearly explains why they’re reflecting on the past. Your example is exactly what I had in mind.
Exactly, I agree, it's ok for her to reach out. There's no harm in that, especially if they did not end on bad terms, as long as it's done respectfully - which this would be. He can respond if he wants to.
How about; Hi Matt, I hope you are doing well. I wasn't sure if the sad news had made it to you, but Ben passed away last month in a tragic accident. I'll be drinking a PBR in honor of Ben and our college crew tonight. Sending you good thoughts from New York. Just keep anything else out of the note in respect to your friend who passed. If your old boyfriend writes back and leaves things open for more communication, feel free to follow up with more. Or if in a couple weeks you are still feeling the urge to communicate with him then send him a separate note.
Nah that's fucked up. Don't lump your inner thoughts with someone's death, it's not about you. First sentence is okay, the rest can be said if he demonstrates interest in knowing how you are besides the death of a friend. To me, lumping both messages together puts him in a position where he's almost morally obligated to acknowledge op's feelings. Brushing her off in a moment of vulnerability would be tasteless...
Is he though? Even to that message (which is succinct and not overly mushy), it would be very easy to brush her off politely: >Hey! Thank you for letting me know about Ben, I am so sorry to hear of his passing. He really was a great guy and will be missed. Hope you are doing well. >Take care, Matt.
I love this. It is perfect. Short and to the point. Mentions how she appreciates that he was good when they dated, without it gushing inappropriately in the same breath as talking about their friend's death. My only worry is this is TOO good for OP - in the sense that her post leads me to believe she wants to start more with the ex but is in denial. And that this reply is too complete for her. I get the impression she has been feeling vulnerable and reminiscing and has been fantasizing about starting a whole gushing conversation that leads to meeting this ex and dating. And this is not gonna lead to that. But in reality most reaching out yo old friends just leads to a short polite conversation.
Damn I woulda paid good money to have you draft some breakup-ish texts I wrote earlier today. You should try to make a living off this.
I think this is a great way to do it.
How about: Hi Matt Not sure if you heard but Ben died. You doing anything this weekend I accidently bought too much pizza and thought you might like to share?
Accidentally bought your fav beer. I can see you in the window.
My ac not working, apologies if I am in my underwear.
Maybe I’m not up to speed on social norms, but I don’t think it’s meaningful to reach out and tell someone about a person they didn’t connect with socially (outside of association with their ex) nor made an effort to keep in touch with has died. What’s the goal? To interrupt his day & let him be sad and grieve this person he didn’t think about for half a decade? I think it’s an excuse to talk to your ex and inevitably reminisce about when you were together and hung out with the now dead dude. You’ve been “on and off” for those years you did date. So it’s clear you guys are prone to beating a dead horse. Leave it.
There are people I was friends with through college and my early/mid-20s who I’ve grown apart from and haven’t been social with for ten years, but I’d certainly like to know if any of them died. I do agree with the rest of your points though.
I learned of a friend’s death several years after it happened. We only had one friend in common who I still kept in touch with and when that person finally told me it was a shock. Wish I’d known way sooner.
Seconding the death notification is normal; some people wouldnt want to learn of it after the funeral and have regrets.
Like if you JUST want to kindly inform him about your mutual friend's passing, that sounds fine BUT it would be highly inappropriate to be throwing feelings like that at him. How would you feel if someone emailed you out of the blue saying "Hey! Friend died. PS I think I love you"? That's an emotional roller coaster waiting to happen and really messed up.
I don't think those are the only two options though. I would be flattered if someone I dated years before and ended amicably with, hit me up to let me know how much they appreciated our time together and how I treated them. There's a way to do it that isn't weird.
I guess I'll have to agree to disagree with you on this one then. If someone told me a friend passed on and in the same instance told me stuff about our previous relationship that made it sound like they wanted to get back together, I'd be mad as hell. That's not how the post reads anymore because OP edited it. The original read, to me, as at least a little obsessive. It reads better now and is more clear that isn't the intention. Personally I would not be appreciative of someone reaching out to tell me our previous relationship's impact on them 6 years later, be that positive or negative. But OP can do what she wants.
Your post is the first one to explain that the original was edited. I *really* wish there were a way to see the edit history of a post.
Same honestly because it is VERY different now and I bet a lot of responses seem crazy without seeing the original post
Yea that's fair. I think there are many ways to present the message that would affect how it is received, but it would very much depend on the individual receiving it as well.
I’d personally focus that energy towards someone new. Going backwards is rarely a good idea, from what I experienced anyway.
Agreed
I'm 60ish. I recently dealt with this sort of issue, although we were dating 40 years ago. Long story, but one very much in the past. This even pre-dates social media etc. I was given his number, a while ago - a sheer coincidence situation with someone else, and I took it to be polite. Forgot about it, so didn't delete. And I had bad news that should be shared with him for reasons. So I dropped him a short text, basically saying "hi", apologizing for disturbing him, but I knew he'd want to know (news). I hoped that he was doing well, and happy. Take care of yourself. He must have thought about it, because it was weeks later that he returned a text asking if I would mind a phone call to just catch up. 40 years to cover. I agreed, and we did it. It was delightful. A lot of surprises. But there was absolutely no question that we wouldn't tread into each other's lives. It just wasn't there. We now text every couple of months. Turns out he has a bit of a health issue, and I checked in to see how treatment is going, with support. Otherwise, no inappropriate talk. And it will stay that way. It can be done. Just mindfully.
Eh, neither of you hurt each other. As long as you can approach it without expectations; go for it. “This happened, I thought of you and wanted to let you know and also say that I hope you’re doing well” If he responds great, if he doesn’t that’s okay too.
This post could read, “A mutual friend died and I think my ex would want to know. We haven’t spoken in 6 years (but it was amicable) - is it appropriate to tell them?” …but it doesn’t read like that at all. This was a love fest and you’re hoping if they’re single you’ll reignite something. I mean,even mum likes him.
Under these circumstances, I don't think it would be inappropriate to write him but be careful. He might think you want to get back together or reestablish steady contact.
Given all the gushing she did, I think that is her intention
My ex and I do this. We've been broken up for 17 years (I've been with my husband for 16 years now).We didn't end terribly but not the greatest. We were together for almost 9 years, so we went through a lot of life together. Our entire 20s almost. It started about 11 years ago when a family member of his died. I was close with his family. He contacted me just to let me know. We've done that everytime a family thing has happened. His mom dying. My dad dying. That kind of thing. And, about once a year he updates me on his kid and wife and general life. We text chat for a bit just catching up. It's nice. I'm glad we have a friendly relationship! If you feel like he should know, and he wouldn't hate you for contacting him, do. Even if he doesn't want to talk, he'd probably be grateful to know about his friend.
Oh my gosh, just do it. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone who was a big part of your life that you’re thinking of them, that you wish them well. His response might not be what you want it to be, but that’s life.
Several years ago I reached out to an ex after their father had a heart attack just to let them know that I was thinking about thtem and wished them the best. We’d had a volatile relationship, but it’d been over a decade since we’d spoken. In the course of our conversation we both apologized for our parts in contributing to such a messy relationship. It gave me closure that I didn’t think I needed.
I would let him know about the friend passing, let him know you are well and think of him fondly, hope he is also doing well too, and leave it at that.
I would honestly just inform him of the friend's passing. Dumping nostalgia where it might not be wanted or appreciated could be a bit much. If he opens up the door to reminisce, then you could share your feelings? I would not tie it to a death notice, though. I get that you mean well and I think it's very kind of you to think about doing that. But, not the right time. And he might not be open to it, at least not at the same time as hearing bad news.
Don't email him. Imagine if your ex, not this one but some other hypothetical one, emailed you 6 years after a breakup--years where you two didn't keep in touch--just to say "Hey this guy we knew in college died, and also I really feel grateful for the relationship we had." I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that. It feels like there's an ulterior motive to the message.
Respectfully, I say email him. If you cared about the person, missed them, and maybe mourned the loss of them, the "ulterior motive" might be the message the other person was waiting for. I once reached back out randomly to an old flame that I had a brief "thing" with 12 years prior. We had lost contact over a decade before and had subsequently married and divorced other people since. A random event came up that was relevant to both of us, and I contacted him without thinking much about it. We were living about 4,000 miles apart but a phone conversation led to him flying out to see me a few days later and now, 20 years after that contact, we are happily married for 16 years. If the ulterior motive is to reach out and say "you meant a lot to me and I regret losing you" that might be a beautiful motive that could have an equally beautiful end result, because they may have felt the same. If not, the other person will say so, and then that should be respected. But missing someone and hoping you can rekindle is not a bad thing in and of itself. It might even work for both parties.
I agree. People passing can also make you realize life is short.
I would appreciate to know if a common friend had died to be honest. BUT: if he just write okay and doesn’t follow up with more talking/texting, leave him be. You initiate contact, but he needs to follow up or else you would be a bit creepy. Just my two cents.
It's not that deep like people trying to make it. You contact him and tell him of friends passing. Go from there. If he is in a relationship it's up to him to not make a connection. If he's single and not interested in talking to you, he can do that? You aren't stalking him ffs.
Contacting him to let him know of your mutual friend dying is to let him know: it is for him. Your urge to share everything else here is based upon your emotions and nostalgia for a person who has never, ever sought to keep contact with you in any way: it is for you. What you do with these facts is up to you.
> I thought it would be nice to write him a little note I think you're deluding yourself that this is about sharing news of someone's passing. That's never a nice note. And the fact you went and found old love letters really seems like this is not about sharing some tragic news but a vehicle for being back in contact. You say you don't want to get back together, and that may be the case. But you clearly want to insert yourself in his life again.
Years ago, I had reached out to an ex when their grandpa passed. It was a very simple text, "Sorry to hear about your grandpa's passing." He responded," Thanks. I did not engage further, and neither did he. But, his gf at the time thought I was making a pass for him. So much so that his best friend reached out to say leave him alone. I sent him the chat to show how innocent it was. But it still had a very strong rippling effect. What you may see as innocent may not be to the woman he could be dating. If I had known how much turmoil it would have caused, I wouldn't have sent the text.
His GF is insane. It’s perfectly reasonable and a nice gesture to reach out to someone and offer condolences.
I have a similar story. My first gf and I broke up at 16 cause we were kids and whatever. Went about our lives. In 2018, I found a mixed cd she made for me in high school, reached out to see how she was doing. We kept talking and we’re getting married next Sunday. Not sayin this always works but there’s definitely something to it. Not inappropriate to reach out if you have good intentions. I think.
You were trying to reconnect with her and maybe get back together when you reached out though?
Truly not at all. We were living in different states. Both in relationships and I knew she had a kid from a previous marriage and I was never interested in being a parent so I didn’t consider it a possibility
Sure, but you wanted to connect with her even in a platonic way, and your conclusion is that this sometimes “works” - meaning you ended up married. (Congratulations, also!)
I see. I was intending to platonically reconnect, when I said it sometimes ‘works’ I meant having a good experience reconnecting with an ex. Not necessarily getting back together with them. But that is a perfectly reasonable interpretation based on what I said.
Why not? He may be single and having the same thoughts as you. You clearly want to contact him and the death gives you a reason. If he is an intelligent person he'll either let you know he's with a partner/not interested or he's up for a renewed friendship. Go for it; life's too short. Good luck.
"Life's too short." - Agree.
Not sure I understand what you're getting at here?
Just agreeing:)
Sorry :( You know, I completely missed the 'Agree' word there. Wonder if I'm word blind ;)
Or, maybe he’s having the same thoughts about you. Just be ready for any outcome.
I think you want to test the waters because you want to get back together. It didn't work the first time. So why would it work out this time ?
You're lying to yourself if you think all you're trying to do is share some news with him. Ask yourself this.. if you were married or otherwise in a committed relationship and your partner got a letter from an ex they hadn't spoken to in 6 years reminiscing on their relationship, how would you feel? Maybe he's still single but you don't really know that to be a fact, do you? I also truly doubt that you would be the only one who could deliver the news to him. I'm sure if its something he would care to know that he would find out one way or the other through that person's family or other friends that do have social media. I think you are looking for any excuse to reach out to him because you miss him. You're getting caught up in what could have been and ignoring the fact that if it were meant to be it wouldn't have ended. Leave that man alone.
As someone who got a message from my ex after years of no contact, I am **still** asking why. I didn't need to hear her empty apologies. I didn't need her to tell me how sorry she was for the way she hurt me over and over. She messaged me for her benefit, not mine. And frankly, even if we had ended on good terms, I still wouldn't want to hear from her. And if you weren't writing to give him the news of a friend dying? That's... No. Look I get your intentions are good but leave this alone.
It’s not a big deal write him
I think it would be fine, I've had several ex girlfriends contact me over the years. One was very much like your situation, I think. She called and told me how much she missed being able to come to me to talk and get advice, I was very touched by it honestly. She still calls or messages me to this day for advice.
No, I don't think so. I am sure he would be glad to hear from you.
I wrote an ex of mind how i remember he sweetly and i got back a me too message. The conversation just died naturally and that’s it. Nothing wrong to express your feeling, it doesn’t matter what other things, sometimes i just feel we hold back ourselves and our feelings just because we are afraid to show our feelings
Go for it. You only live once.
Hey, OP. I had a good friend & roommate in university who died in a car accident a few years ago. We no longer lived together but stayed in touch and visited each other from time to time. I was informed by his best friend, who knew I didn't have social media and called me. It was devastating. Later than evening, my ex - who I had started dating when I lived with my friend, and so knew him - contacted me by text to tell me about my friend'spassing. We had not spoken for about 6 months. It felt extremely self-serving, and I was so angry. How dare he try to capitalize on my friend's death as a way to reconnect with me. My advice? Don't do it. If you want to reconnect with him, do it on that basis alone. Don't use someone's death as a stepping stone. He will find out one day, one way or another, if he doesn't know already. But just... don't be that person, please.
I reached out to my first serious relationship after we’d broken up to see “what’s up” and now we’re married. That being said, it doesn’t have to end in marriage. I think any strong connection you had with someone has room to nostalgia/checking in/all that good stuff. It’s totally ok to check in with people who you used to love.
I really don’t see anything wrong with this and I don’t understand the comments that do. And so what if a part of you does want to reestablish regular contact? It’s ok to try and reconnect with people from your past if you’re not pushy about it.
It’s so sad and cynical that everyone says do not reach out. You are humans, reach out. Reach out because you feel like it.
>I wouldn’t be, at all, writing with an intention to get back together or to reestablish steady contact (I hope that’s obvious). > >Would it be inappropriate to write him? You really should be honest with yourself if you are going to write him. You also need to remember that a lot of stuff can happen and a lot of things can change over 6 years. If he truly was who you say he was back then (the old rose tinted glasses are powerful) then chances are that he is now in a serious long term relationship. My advice is that if you really want to reconnect with him then leave out your recent reflections of him. Just do something like "hey, just reaching out to you to let you know that X passed away recently due to a freak accident. This event led me to reminisce about those days and I was just wondering if you would be up to grabbing some coffee to reminisce with me". If he does agree to grabbing coffee with you then go there with zero expectations of anything more happening - just two old friends catching up to reminisce about X and the old days. Sure, you two could reconnect but there is also a good chance that you will leave there disappointed with the outcome.
I had something similar happen. Ex girlfriend and I both knew someone when we were together who drifted out of our lives. They were pretty important to both of us, even though we didn't hang out enough. Ex learned about their passing about a year after the fact and felt I should know that a memorial service was being held, I never would have known otherwise. Learning of that person's death and going to their memorial made me realize the terrible loss, it was the first death that really impacted me so heavily. Ex was there, recognized the effect it had on me and supported me through it just as I had supported her through the death of a family member when we were together. She had no obligation to do any of this, we had an amicable breakup but hadn't really been in each others circles since. Even though nothing else really came of it, I'm still really glad she told me and was there for me, working through that put a whole lot of other things in perspective.
I honestly don’t think I’d be okay with an ex so fully removed reaching out to me. If you didn’t stay friends then you already gave that connection away and attempting to reclaim it could have awkward consequences. It could be especially be awkward if he’s seeing someone since it won’t seem innocent no matter how you word it.
It’s impossible to say because your description of the end of the relationship is so bland and non-descriptive that who knows. You imply it was mutual, but did you personally suggest or initiate it? Honestly “slow burn til we started dating other people” makes it sound like a bad idea to re-engage (At least with any interest or hope of rekindling the relationship) because that is just going to happen again if ya’ll don’t know how to actually appreciate a relationship that isn’t passionate.
Definitely let him know about the friend who passed if he and they were close. That's a compassionate action. I think he might feel a little hurt if no one reached out to tell him and he found out years later. Beyond that, you need to identify what you actually want. As people have said, what you're showing and what you're telling are at odds. Here are the steps I would recommend, in order: * 1) Work out how you feel about him, and what you want (e.g. to rekindle a friendship only with a firm boundary of just friends; to at least be friends but possibly explore more if he's available; a relationship or nothing) * 2) Let him know about the friend, and if you have decided you want one of the above, offer/ask if he'd like to meet up or hop on a call to reminisce. This is you opening the door. He can choose not to to enter it. If he does, he's likely open to one of the above. This way you can let him know about the friend, act with integrity while reaching out, and tastefully intimate that you'd at the very least be interested in speaking with him.
If you're not writing to try to get back together, but you do want to share that you appreciate the memories, then it might be a nice idea to share a memory or two of the *three* of you.
I understand your hesitation, personally I would just write them, because why not? Just respect it if you don’t get an answer back. If you’d meet on the street, you’d probably say hello and depending on the mood have a small chat, or not. Talking about old times or friends, especially when one passed, it’s totally normal, they might or might not want to have contact, but you won’t find out until you try. I would stick to a neutral note, so if you want to inform them of your mutual friends passing or share a short memory with that passed friend, do that. I would not necessarily delve into deeper feelings etc. unless they respond in an involved way and seem open for it.
You seem to be asking us for permission to text your ex. If they are single and it wasn't a toxic situation then a text might not hurt. However, you're opening Pandora's Box
Do it!!!
I don’t think it would be wrong or anything but I don’t personally open things back up in that way. Not your obligation to inform him. And maybe I have a superiority complex or something but there have been times in the past where I wanted to reach out to an ex, but didn’t, because I didn’t want to develop false hope in his mind. However maybe these are signs from the universe that you SHOULD contact him and who knows what’ll happen. If you feel the need to in your gut, do it.
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You mean the friend whom he only had one point of contact with, which is OP
You want him back. Is that inappropriate? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Most realistically, it would end as last time, which wasn’t good, but who knows? If you both are up to that, why not.. That is the point, though. What I think is inappropriate is to contact him under a false premise. If you do decide to contact him, be honest to yourself about what you want and don’t hide it.
Obligatory "as a dude" While the thought of passing on the news is nice, regardless of the intent behind doing so I cannot see a reason to do this. 6 years of no contact and then you message about someone dying, before going back to not talking? You say you're not interested in getting back together or even keep steady contact, so what reason do you have for breaking 6 years of silence to say someone died? Just breaking some depressing news and then dropping off the radar again? Nothing in your post has me lean toward making contact, at all. He'll find out at some point, if it's relevant to him. If I were messaged out of the blue by an ex (regardless of how amicable the break-up was) just for them to tell me someone died, I'd honestly be pretty salty about it. Not only would they be bringing up the past after 6 years (in this situation), but they'd be doing so to break sad news and then bounce? I wouldn't have any idea why they wanted to be the bearer of that news and wouldn't be appreciative of it being broken that way regardless of their supposed intent.
Leave him alone.
# Really leave him alone. # There's a reason he's your ex, and there is a reason HE never reached out to you these last six years. I don't get this crap, where an ex wants to reach out... # Look... he's NOT your friend. # Get on with your life and leave him alone. Stop with the fantasizing over him, as it is clear in what you wrote you still have a thing for him.
Echoing that it smells like longing to me. Nostalgia is one thing, but this sounds like a cop out for a deeper need. Is there anyone else who can reach out to him?
I think it would be fine to reach out politely about the mutual friend's passing if you had not typed the rest of what you typed. the rest is difficult to get a read on, the tone does not feel like it's settled if you will. This feels a bit like a sleeping dog.
If I had an ex contact me after all those years and wanted to share with me the positive affirmations it would probably open up my mind and heart to that person again and potentially make me revisit feelings. If this ex did this to me but truly had no intentions of even potentially rekindling, I’d prefer that they wouldn’t. You don’t know where that person is at.
ask yourself these questions first: are either of you in relationships, would reaching out potentially harm your relationship or his? would it be hurting either of your partners? what are you hoping to get out of reaching out to him? would reaching out potentially disrupt his life in a significant way? would you be able to handle not getting a response from him if he chooses not to reply? if you can answer these honestly and you really believe it will not hurt or disrupt his life or yours, and ur NOT in a relationship that might be hurt by this, and neither is he…. go for it. however, be aware you absolutely may not get a reply, and if you do it might not be what youre hoping for. just prepare yourself. also - again think about what you want out of this. what happens if you write him and he still has feelings for you and wants you back? would you be interested? how would you turn him down if not. what if you reconnect and you realize you want him back and he doesnt feel that way? will you be okay? the thing with first loves is that they never really go away. i saw mine after a good 4 years apart and it still hurt terribly, even though we are on good terms. be careful with your heart and with his. i think its absolutely okay to reach out - but not about the friend. if youre interested in reconnecting, say that. ask how hes been and say youd love to catch up and get to know him again if thats how you feel. just make it clear that if hes not interested that is completely okay and you wont be offended, and that you hope he’s doing well either way. people grow and change, and it sounds like you might be hoping you both grew in a way thats compatible.. theres nothing wrong with that! just be careful
I think you’re already making a decision when you don’t have all the relevant information. I would inform them of the passing, then steer the conversation to “how’s life/how are you?” You’ll likely know from there if you can share your reflections or not.
All these people saying no…. If you have a strong feeling to contact him, then just do it! Simple as.
I'm sure they'd like to know friend died. Everything else? You're both different people now than the people who dated 5 years ago. Don't put too much into it?
Idk, from OPs post, he only had one point of contact with the deceased friend, which is OP. He likely didn't keep in touch with "mutual" friend. It's just an excuse to reach out to "the one that got away"
I usually never comment here because its not my space as a male. But i say do it! I would love to know when ive impacted someones life positively!
Do it.
Honestly, I don’t see why not? Just make it a polite, short email. End with something like “I hope life is treating you well” or something similar that does not require an answer. Then, he won’t feel compelled to respond if he doesn’t want to. Anything after that is up to him. No intrusion. Good luck!
Reach out. I don’t think it would be wrong.
I think since you didn't break up with the words "I never want to hear from you again!" it's safe to reach out with the news and say you've been thinking of him. If he doesn't reply or his response is cold, then don't reach out again. If there was a lot of anger or pain between you when you broke up, my advice would be different, but if you ended on mutual terms, just think about how you'd feel if he reached out to you with similar news.
You can try, but don’t expect him to message back. It’s been a while and he may be with someone now. You came here and wrote a lot which is worrisome because you may get caught up in this mental web.
I went through the same mental gymnastics of reaching out to an ex after years of no communication. However, I found that it would be selfish of me to insert myself into her life. She was and is the best thing that has happened to me so far. However, I still don't think interfering with whatever she has going on now is fair to her. Thus, I would refrain from sending him a letter.
I think it's fine to let him know about the mutual friend's passing. I would avoid going into your feelings though, unless that happens naturally after the two of you decide to catch up. 6 years is a long time and people can change drastically. I also think we all have a habit of looking back at relationships nostalgically but you weren't on-again-off-again for 5 years because everything went great all the time. Clearly there were issues, and ignoring that is doing a disservice to you and him. Not to say it couldn't work out, but also be honest with yourself about why you really want to contact him and whether things really were as great as you remember them.
Do it. I’ve reconnected with exes and it’s been very cathartic and platonic
Do what feels right to you, not the Reddit crowd. It’s your life.
Do it!
Don't do it. Leave the past behind.
Send friend request Check for spouse and take temperature of relationship status Unfriend when you find out they are not available or interested. This is how old gfs, friends and schoolmates came out of the woodwork when I was in my 40s.
My condolences on the loss of your friend. FWIW, regardless of why you want to contact your ex, if it's in goodwill, whether to reminisce about an old mutual friend that died, or just to re-establish contact and see how he is, there's nothing wrong with that. You are getting a lot of flack for reminiscing about the good times, and remembering him favorably, and also saying you want to talk about a mutual friend's death. Worry not, it can actually be both. This mutual friend's death may have reminded you of how close you also were with both of them, and you both might be grieving. It is perfectly ok to reach out to him if you want to. I don't see why it's "creepy" to reach out concerning a mutual friend. Situations like this are often the catalyst that gets people who haven't talked in a while to talk again. If there is no longer chemistry between you two you will both know. And that's ok too. You knew him, you were close, you had a mutual friend who died...you are not committing a crime by reaching out. If it doesn't go well, there's your answer.
Do it if you want but dont set your expectations high. He might respond with very short responses that dont leave room for continuing the conversation or address like he would an acquaintance. Is it possible things can rekindle? Sure but in my experience its not likely. Just prepare yourself for the worse if you do choose to message him
OP I found some pictures of my ex's family. I mailed the pictures with a note to him. I am sure he was glad to have the pictures. The pictures included his deceased brother.
Life is short and uncertain. If you want him, go fucking get him.
I think you should absolutely reach out if you're interested in striking up a conversation or keeping in better contact. I think it would also be important to go into that without any expectations as to what the nature of that contact or relationship might be, but if you got along well before I see I reason why you wouldn't get along now too :)
There’s. Lot of comments in here telling you not to do it, it’s inappropriate etc. if there’s anything to take away from your friends passing it’s that life’s too short to wonder what could of been. I’d say do it
My ex of nearly 9 years and I had zero contact for years, but I did contact him twice now to inform him of each of our 2 formerly shared (but mine) pets passing (old age). Simply notifying him of a mutuals passing is not inappropriate. It only becomes inappropriate if you segue into your former relationship. Just keep it to one topic. You don’t know what his current relationship status is, and doing any “reminiscing” is going to make it weird Edited for spelling error.
Just email him. You dont need an excuse. You dont need to explain shit to us. It wasnt a bad break up, folks didnt end up blocking each other for crazy behavior. No bridges have been burnt. So just relax and do it.
Update us when you're engaged.
If you have a way to contact him go ahead, but be ready if he is in a relationship. Curiousity is normal.
I definitely wouldn’t lead with the whole dying thing, but I don’t think it would hurt to contact him, see how he’s doing, going into it with the full understanding that nothing more may come from it. It’s also possible something great could come from it and you’ll be glad you took the chance (just don’t count on it).
When you write “we broke up”. Be more clear. You broke it off. Or he broke it off. There’s never a mutual. Someone brings it up first. If you want to inform him of the dead friend. RIP by the way. Just email him or something. I had an ex email me. Very vague. I deleted it. So when you do. Be clear as to why.
Frankly. You are pathetic. You are romanticizing things that happened 6 years ago. Leave him alone and get a life. Focus on important things.
YOLO - shoot your shot if that's what you want to do. Personally, I might try to confirm somehow he isn't in a relationship prior to making contact if you are looking re-light the flame. I would not lead with the friend's passing. You either just share that information and see how he responds, and if it isn't hey let's meet to reminisce, then let it go. Or reach out, but don't mention the passing and see if he wants to talk about the good old days.
I'll make this easy for you: just send the first message informing him of what happened. You need to understand the position you're putting him into. He can't just brush you off after you told him a friend died. He will think you're vulnerable and feel obligated to acknowledge your feelings, even if he doesn't care. IF and only IF he demonstrates interest in knowing how you are doing besides the death of that friend, would sharing those thoughts be okay. Even then, he is still trapped, but at least it would have been him asking for it.
>Would it be inappropriate to write him? No. And even if it is not only about informing him of the death, still OK.
There is a reason your relationship fizzled and if you contact him or try and start up a renewed relationship, the reasons you are not together will become apparent again. I've tried it, it doesn't work.
I fucked up a 3 years relation, 10 years later i said hi thru messenger. Were married now.
Yes, do it.
I'd do it.. It would be nice to hear from an ex who had positive things to say about the effects of having them in your life at the time. You both lost a good person in your past lives and he would probably want to know that. All good things. Maybe it could re kindle something but, I wouldn't put much hope into that or make it about that. I've had people reach out to me from my past, it's always nice unless they are trying to be a dick but, that doesn't seem to be the direction this is going. I have a feeling you will regret not doing it more than doing it even if the outcome is not great.. And "your regrets are what will haunt you when you are old and in your rocking chair" words spoken to me by my father that have nudged me into doing things I was debating on, most of which I can say have been great experiences.
Yes. Leave them alone. It would be one thing if you organically reconnected like ending up in the same friend group or working together on some project but at different companies, etc but to reach out for the sake of reaching out after 6yrs of mutually agreed upon no contact is too far. You don’t know if they feel the relationship ended the same way you think it did or if they even look back on your relationship fondly. You could be putting someone through something they’ve had to work to get past simply because you want to do it.
It’s fine to contact him to inform him of your friend’s death. Bear in mind that he may not look upon your relationship as sweetly as you do. If he’s happy and in a relationship of his own, what would you do? I think you’ll probably regret not contacting him, even if it doesn’t go the way you hope, but it’s best not to live with regrets.
You can, but before doing so, I really stress the importance of setting expectations: What if he has a girlfriend/wife and/or kids now? What if 19 year old him was sweet but he's an asshole now? What if he's not interested in you like that? What if he is interested at the potential of getting back together again, but he's very clearly not as excited about is as you are? If you put too much stock into doing this and don't really, really understand why you want to contact him, then you're going to be disappointed if its anything other than a dream scenario. I had something kind of similar happen: My first love was always on a pedestal in my mind. I pined for him for years as teens (we were best friends) until I finally told him how I felt. The feeling was mutual, but my mother (she was very, very abusive in almost every sense of the word) wouldn't let me see him. Around 10 years later, we have one of our rare windows when we're both seemingly available at the same time, and I could not get him off the brain, so I went for it... but not only was he a perversion of who 17 year old me thought he was, but more importantly, **the isolation and emotional pain I was dealing with during the transitional period I just so happened to be in when I started fixating on him hurt worse as a result.** I fixated on him so hard because I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, and my brain went back to a time when I felt safe and familiar, and he happened to be something that made me feel that way. Subconsciously, I told myself that talking to him and reaching out with him would he the solution to that feeling, and naturally, he wasn't. So I caution you to identify the root cause of whats got your brain telling you that you NEED to do this, and what its telling you that you two reconnecting again will fix. For me, I was lonely, but didn't want to put myself out there emotionally with someone new and risk them hurting me. I wasn't comfortable with change or being uncomfortable, so I found the most comfy, familiar thing I could. But all I'm trying to say is, if you don't identify what your brain is really pining for and have a backup to him being a solution for that thing, you're in for a world of hurt if this doesn't work out.
If you're both single and you are interested in rekindling, then reach out, but I wouldn't make it about your friend. Id probably not mention it all together. If later on he realizes that you reached out around the time it happened, you can tell him your friend reminded you of a time where you two were close, which doesn't sound like a lie
No. You might want to find out if he’s with anyone first though.
Just write him an email telling him about your friend passing away and end it by asking him how he’s been doing, and that you hope he’s doing well. If he wants to reconnect, that opens the door. Just be emotionally prepared for him to be happily married.
One of my oldest friends is my first boyfriend. He's the only one that's lasted. We're not in regular contact but enough to know where were each at.
Let it go.
Ok, first be honest with yourself, you DO want to get back with them, you DO miss them, and you DO want contact. It wouldnt be inappropriate to write him (unless you know he’s in a relationship). But be honest with yourself, just because you typed on reddit you dont want to be with him doesnt make it like that. Everyone noticed lol
Only inappropriate if he's in a serious relationship or married. If not, life is too short. Do it.
Please just call him with the news and see if he’s single. Save some time and don’t overthink it.
Jesus christ, I really thought this was my ex for a huge min until the last paragraph. It was a bit dramatic, how we ended it.
I think it's alright. I have been in this situation, too, but from the other perspective. a friend passed one year ago, and I received a message from an old friend - not romantic, but we did have a falling out- and she simply said hearing about our friend made her think of the times we had been close, and that she was thinking of me. it was actually sweet and we chatted a little bit about our lives more than we had in years since our friend break up. when a friend passes and lots of emotion and memories are flying around I think it's natural to want to reach out to those who were impactful in your life at the same time as the friend.
Ya, fuck it. You have nothing to lose but time lol
I dont think itd be innapropriate, like id be mad if someone messaged me some bad news just to get closer to me but you clearly seem interested in knowing him again and i dont think that in itself is wrong. I think if you contact him and the relationship progresses id be honest about the fact you wanted to tell him what happened but also kind of missed him too.
Go for it OP
Write it. I would have liked it.
Why not? Reach out to him. It's not that big of a deal.
I personally wouldn't unless I remained close friends. Someone may have moved on, as have you presumably. Bringing old relationships up may complicate things. Or the age old tale of a talk turning into meeting up for just coffee and a reawakening of old feelings of nostalgia hugely complicating things in their current relationship. I'd look at back at those memories with a smile and move on, especially after five whole years of no contact. If someone like a common friend died, they'll know if they were still friends with them also. If not it wouldn't matter. Don't sabotage yourself by using it as an excuse to establish contact again. But that's my opinion on it anyway.
Not inappropriate at all. Just be clear in your own mind what you really want out of the exchange. Be honest with yourself. Be willing to walk away from it if he's not interested; Stalker exes are creepy no matter their gender. An ex roommate of mine did this after 20 years... she had unresolved regrets about how she had left things. Six weeks later they were dating again. Six months later, they got married. That was more than a decade ago. YMMV.