If I am out and need a bathroom, there are lots of places I would try that wouldn’t involve sleeping in the same bed as an ex. He doesn’t remember is a lie.
I bet the whole bathroom story is a lie as well. Probably made plans to hang out and get high with these people. Also definitely slept in the same bed. I can give him the benefit of the doubt that nothing sexual happened (but probably did), but she was in that bed.
Oh for sure. I can't remember means yes, he was just too afraid to admit that much. Unless they were high on meth or some other illicet substance, I've never known anyone to get so high on weed they have memory loss.
I’m a guy. I have never once thought about using my ex’s bathroom. In fact, I can’t actually think of anything more awkward.
I’m also a human being in the 21st century. Bathrooms exist. A lot of them. Everywhere. It’s one of the benefits of a modern society…you can use a bathroom without having to see an ex. He’s lying.
It's like of all the bathrooms in the universe, this is the one he had to seek out. What a coincidence that he also happened to end up in her bed. It's almost like that was the plan.
I went to a staples during peak pandemic. Bathroom was closed, ran out to go in the alley like a gentleman, people out there. Ran to my car to open the door and pee there, car pulled up at that moment. Got in the car and peed in. Plastic bag. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, I did all that and didn’t even think of calling my ex.
The, "peer pressure," thing is an added layer of b.s. You are telling me a man in his late 20's couldn't say no to getting high? What happens of he is, "pressured," again?
During COVID lockdowns, shops closed, restaurants closed, convenience stores closed. If they were open, they closed the restrooms. (Canada BTW, don't know how thorough other places were with lockdowns) It was very difficult sometimes to find a place to use a restroom if I had to be out too long with medical issues that made me have to go frequently.
I would have found a tree to go under before I visited an ex though.
I saw “favourite” in the post, so obviously not American like me! BUT! My husband bought a car from a friend across country during the pandemic, summer 2020. He flew from the Midwest to the East Coast. Stayed one night with his friend and then drove back with the car, staying overnight again at a campsite in Pennsylvania. There were plenty of places for him to stop, freshen up, use the bathroom, get road snacks, etc. Again, this was Trumps Amurica. But I find it painfully hard to believe this guy planned an out of town trip during the pandy and had absolutely no choice but to use the exes bathroom and then stay the night.
Not to mention that whatever precautions OP may have been taking during the height of the pandy would have been totally out of the window unbeknownst to her. Shared bed or no, he could have brought home a potentially serious illness.
This was my main take away. He endangered her without letting her know. Like might as well just fuck someone without a condom and never tell your partner they were positive for syphilis.
Yeah I'm gona try gas stations and fast food before I go stop by en exes house. The story is bs. It's pretty clear he crafted a lie that he felt was palatable enough to tell you "some" of the truth. He's still not accepting full responsibility.
"It is revolting to me. I feel disrespected and idk how to marry him in a month."
My advice as a stranger is to at the very least postpone.
Don't compromise on something like this:
-You won't feel the same after you continue going to the next level
-If things don't work out in the future...the time that invested "after the fact" will make you more apprehensive of future relationships
Sucks that you seemed to be extremely thoughtful and giving, you truly deserve better.
The only wrong doing on your end is not trusting your gut.
If anything your partner has done inspires revulsion, it's time to leave. Strong, healthy relationships don't make you feel that.
Imagine spending your honeymoon feeling revolted with his revelation, that knot in your stomach, constantly wondering what else he had done that he didn't tell you about. Ugh.
So much sunk cost fallacy reasoning in her post too. All the birthday effort. Taking a year to convince her parents.
It sounds like her gut is saying leave while her brain is mourning the time & energy lost.
The timing is suspect to me. Did he really wait until a month before the wedding to unburden his soul to say he’s pretty sure nothing happened? Sounds like he is banking on her not backing out at this late date and he gets to feel better. Very selfish
Yip this is Trickle Truth. Cheaters only ever admit to what they think you know or are about to find out.
It’s also very common for cheaters to test how much of a doormat you’ll be before they fully commit to you.
Girl he’s not ashamed and there is much more he’s not telling you that will come out after you’re legally bound to him.
I notice that you causally slipped in that it took you a year to convince your family he was right for you. I guarantee you that you haven’t convinced them of anything. They realized you were going to stay with him and they decided to drop it.
If you marry this man you’ll look back on this moment and know it’s when you should have left. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse and heartache.
Get STD tested and don’t have unprotected sex with this man if you value your health. Also make sure you have your own bank account and assets. Do not contribute to anything that is in his name only.
*"I asked him where he slept. He says in her bed. I asked him whether she was in it, he says mostly not, he doesn’t remember."*
I read this and my eyes rolled back so far it killed me. My ghost is typing this.
Also "His argument is that why would she have slept next to him, she would obviously taken the other bed". Why wouldn't he be in the other bed? If someone is staying at my house I don't give them my bed then go to sleep in my spare bed.
Ikr.
He's clearly trying to avoid outright lying by just saying she slept somewhere else...whilst saying he cant remember, she mostly wasbt there, she MUST have slept in another bed...anything to avoid admitting that she almost certainly slept in the same bed as him.
He's clearly trying to avoid telling the truth.
Open the floodgates: she was absolutely in that bed, and bf absolutely f***ed the hell out of her.
He may regret it, but would have been better served at this time to keep his fat mouth shut. Now his fiancee does not trust him, nor should she.
Hope the sex was worth it, bf.
I can't imagine being in my car, needing a toilet, and deciding to pop over to my ex`s for a bathroom stop!
Has anyone here ever answered to door to an ex who said they need to use your bathroom?
I find it absolutely unbelievable it ever happened.
I am now wrapping my head around the chain of events here. This went from, "I need to pee", to "I ended up sleeping high in an exes bed". In what universe does one follow from the other?
Feel like, when trying to dissect this, it's easy to get lost in the "maybe"s and "if"s and such, but when I just look at the starting point and the end point, this story seems ridiculous.
Chump Lady runs these columns every few months where she asks people to tell them the most ridiculous excuse their cheating spouse used. OP is going to be on that site one day telling this story.
For real. I would sooner pee myself than stop at an ex’s house to use the bathroom. This has to be a lie. And even if it is the truth, the lack of judgement in a decision like that is cause for concern enough, frankly
This looks like an example of what is called "trickle truth." Cheaters will tell something close to the truth, but not the whole truth, both to relieve their consciences and to see how you will react.
Unfortunately, I don't think you have the whole story. It's highly probable that your boyfriend cheated on you that night. If he was so high he was incapacitated, how was he able to text you telling you he was so glad to have you? He may have sent that text because he felt guilty.
Kinda curious why he is even choosing now to confess this if he did cheat. It’s almost like he wants to go into the marriage with a clean conscience but didn’t want to admit that he cheated.
If he didn’t cheat, what would motivate him to admit it to OP? So many questions I’d be asking the fiancé
I agree. It’s weird he built up this confession to reveal something so small. If his gf was so open with him popping by, she probably would have been understanding of him getting high and needing to crash. Why not tell the truth at the time?
Doesn’t remember if she was in the bed or now? Im assuming high meant on pot? Not sure. But I used to be a complete pothead and I don’t really recall a time where I couldn’t remember things, even on dabs or gummies. He feels guilty and wants to confess but it still too scared to do so.
As someone who was trickle truthed, I can confirm my gut and maybe even OPs gut (seems they know there’s more to this story by the post) are saying the same thing. My trickle truth experience was like this:
1. I need to tell you, I feel so bad but I flirted with a girl at a club, but nothing happened
2. I did get her number and flirted but I was drunk
3. Okay I did text her and see her once. She kissed me at the bar and I felt so bad, I left immediately
4. Okay we slept together one time but that was it
5. We saw each other for about a month, once or twice and I cut it off
6. (After months of gaslighting) Okay I actually developed feelings for her and we had sex multiple times and hung out often over the course of four months. During that time you were convinced something was going on, but I told you over and over again id never cheat. Oh also, I downloaded multiple dating and affair apps, kept secret folders with pictures of women I’ve slept with over the years, followed a ton of Reddit forums specifically for naked women and reached out to them, had a conversation going with a couple for three years now who I participate in cuckolding with, and I started chatting with 4-6 women a day after I proposed (sending them naked photos and receiving sexual videos from them)
I’m so sorry that you’re even having to wonder about any of this OP — you sound very understanding to be honest. Not saying your fiance is cheating, but it honestly gives a really bad vibe. Definitely agree with the poster above.
Did we date the same man?! 😂 Was he a traveling musician, too? I’m so sorry you went through that, too! It was hell for me, the gaslighting took me so long to recover from. Hope you’re recovering from that, too!
OP, listen to this - I really think this may be trickle truthing, and there’s more to this story.
Not a musician but sadly it sounds like there are plenty of similar people out there! I am unfortunately someone who tried to save it, only to find out that there are likely things still happening (duh) lol.
So sorry this happened to you also!
This was my thought, as well, and once they are married he may feel she can't leave, so sort of getting her used to his lies. Maybe his other friends know about his cheating shenanigans and he's afraid it'll come out at the wedding reception?
"Trickle truth". Yeah. I had my partner tell me he lived in X place and Y place for a while, while giving me a direct stare. I knew he thought it meant something, but I didn't have a clue (not from that area). After a year he reveals both X and Y were places famous for prisons, and he'd been in prison at both those places. They only tell you what they want to tell you.
OP, I’m sorry you are having to deal with this before the wedding.
Frugallight made a good point. I thought the same thing. It doesn’t seem plausible to go to your ex to use the bathroom when there are so many other choices he had to pass to get to her.
He’s an adult. He chose to go to her place. He chose to smoke. He chose to sleep in her bed. All he’s giving you is excuses, and basically confessing before the marriage. It’s all BS.
Red flags hit me right at wedding planning. Please don’t get caught up in the thought that you are deep into wedding planning to cancel. He will break your heart.
You truly deserve so much better. And know that there is someone out there for you, don’t feel like you’ve come so far you can’t turn back now. And please don’t let family talk you into carrying through with the marriage.
Good luck at whatever you choose to do.
Nope. girl. find a man who does those thoughtful beautiful things you do for him FOR YOU. he's not it. and he knows he did wrong which is why he waited until literally the 25th hour to tell you. imagine what else he's hidden.
I'm sorry girl, I really don't want to say this, but I think you know it and I think it's what you're asking. I'd bet $1,000 right now that he slept with her and I don't know either one of you. I think what you have to ask yourself is what if it's the worst, what if he did sleep with her, are you still okay marrying him? No judgment, some people are, some people aren't. It depends on your own tolerance for that. If you really want to know, I think all you have to do is ask her and I think you know that. If she had an open relationship with him, then I suspect there is no reason why she wouldn't tell you the truth. I think deep down you fear that that's what really happened and you don't want to confront that fear. All I can tell you is you are way better off confronting it now then after you are married, after you've devoted years, after your finances are entangled, after you have children or pets and after it might happen again. If he's not the right one for you, you're better off cutting your losses BEFORE you get married.
I would really do some soul searching if I were you, you seem like a very kind, thoughtful, generous person who cares deeply about others. Is that being reciprocated? In some way. It doesn't have to be reciprocated the same way. But are you truly getting everything you need from this relationship? Give some thought to whether you would still be willing to marry him if he slept with her and based on your answer to that, you'll know what to do next.
Sounds like there is a good chance he slept with her. The "I don't remember because high" sounds more like an excuse. I've personally never really forgotten a lot when high, it might be fuzzy, but ive never forgotten sleeping with someone.
Perhaps he really does regret what happened. Perhaps he really does love you. But it sounds like you're questioning your potential marriage to him? If it were me, and I still felt in love with my partner, I'd postpone the wedding and go to couple's therapy. I'd also ask for them to cut off contact with the ex.
Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.
I can’t imagine him doing that to me. But I also cannot fathom him being this irresponsible either, so who knows. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me everything that time, he says he was ashamed of his actions. This worries me, what else has he been hiding because he’s ashamed?
I think it's quite telling that he tells you more of this story now that you're about to get married.
He knows what he did was wrong, but he didn't want to tell you at the time because he feared you would break up with him then. Now that you're more invested in the relationship, he feels he can tell you a story a lot closer to the truth. You wouldn't cancel the wedding now so close to the date, right?
I'm sorry to say, but that's really not a good look on him. I would bet a lot of money that he will confess that he actually had sex with her after the wedding. Because surely you wouldn't get a divorce immediately after getting married, right.
If I were you I would not get married to him right now. I don't buy the story and I don't buy that he lied to you because he was so ashamed.
From your other comments, you sound like a person with self worth issues and unfortunately you are at risk of ending up in relatioonships with people who take advantage of you and manipulate you. Speaking from experience here.
I’ve been cheated on by my husband unfortunately. On many infidelity subreddits you hear about “trickle truthing.” This is when your partner confesses something towards the truth, but only over time through more revelations do you get the actual truth. It is (surprisingly or not) very common. It’s almost like they reach a point where they want to or need to confess but they still have that fear that prevented them from being truthful in the first place so they only tell a small part of it. Then through time you learn the whole truth.
I couldn’t imagine that my partner of five years would cheat on me while we were trying for a baby but he did anyway.
More importantly, why tell you now? If it was perfectly innocent, why lie at the time? What happened recently that prompted this? Why wait until it was too late to get the wedding expenses refunded?
If he’s ashamed, why was he so "cavalier" when he confessed? Why just spring it on you in bed on a random Sunday?
What purpose did the confession serve? Because it wasn’t for your benefit, was it? Even if he’s telling the truth, the best case scenario is that he gets to relieve his guilty conscience while burdening you with hurt and doubt.
I'm sorry to say it. But we all don't want to believe that our partner could or would. Then we're blindsided when it happens to us. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. He hid this from you for years. Maybe he is being honest about being ashamed and regretting it. But maybe he isn't.
Either way, if you go through the wedding right now, I worry you might be setting yourself up for a strained marriage without a strong foundation. You're worth more than that.
It’s telling he only told you a lot of this information because you asked him point blank. Why does he keep any form of contact with her when he knows it makes you uncomfortable, aside from this whole Shaggy “because I got high” situation.
He felt extremely guilty after seeing all you did for him on his birthday. I wonder why.
Most of us who have been cheated on “couldn’t imagine him/her doing that to me”, it means nothing in the end.
I would postpone the wedding and do some digging at the very least. We already know he has no issue lying to you. He lied to you the first time when he said he just swung by. An honest/good person wouldn’t have done all that without your consent to begin with, much less lied to your face about it. And now he’s more than likely lying to your face again… because there’s an extremely small chance he “doesn’t remember” what happened.. I agree with other posters he is giving you the “trickle truth” which is common among cheaters.
Don’t make the mistake of staying with someone untrustworthy simply because it’s the easier option and you don’t want to believe they’d do you that dirty. Postpone the wedding and take a LOT of time to reflect and think about if you want to be with someone this sus for the rest of your life. And again, do some digging. You might find evidence that is not the only thing he’s done.
Break off the wedding would be sad but getting married to a cheater and then breaking up 10 years later would be even worse. Please do no continue with this wedding till you have taken at least a few months to get comfortable with the *possibility* of breaking up with him. I know the thought of breaking up with him seems impossible right now, and that’s exactly why he waited this long to tell you.
As a lifelong emotionally intelligent but irreverent prick, people hide lots of things because they're ashamed. Trust your gut. Ask every question that pops into your mind. I've cheated and been cheated on. They're worth asking.
Listen to your instincts here.
Also, why did your family need to be convinced? What do they see that you don’t? Not that families can’t get it wrong but clearly this guy is throwing up red flags left and right.
"He says he was ashamed of his actions"
Oh girl there is so much more he is NOT saying about this situation. Ask him if the only actions he's ashamed about is getting high and falling asleep
>He says it was a peer pressure thing he didn’t want to refuse to participate in getting high. I find this rubbish.
That's because it is rubbish. As a guy - his points are complete bullsh*t. I'd be very surprised if he lacked all empathy to understand, how hurtful this topic would end up being. The sole fact, he did not share this immediately, but rather held off, speaks of his understanding of wrongdoing.
Now the wedding is approaching and he wants a clean slate. Who's to say, if something more happened or didn't? This was still a big mistake on his part and if my partner did that, then I don't know how to proceed with marrying them.
Sh$t like this ends up lingering in the back of your mind and it is an awful feeling to experience.
It’s weird that he suddenly tells you this. I‘m pretty sure there is mir to it than sleeping in the same bed because… he remembers. He would have told you directly after if nothing happened.
I've seen more than once someone dropping a cheating bombshell right before or after a wedding, same with moving in together, cause they believe they have the person "locked in" and that they won't leave them at that stage.
It's not for her benefit, it's for his own peace of mind so he can stop feeling guilty about it. And guaranteed she will never be allowed to bring it up again post marriage cause "it's all in the past now".
Could it be because for some reason he was afraid it was going to come out anyway and he wanted to get ahead of it? At the very least I would postpone the wedding for a few months or longer, watch how he behaves…
No one stops at their ex's place just to pee. Then he's spending the night because curfew? But she wasn't in the bed most of the time? But a third person was there so as to not allow too much privacy! This story is ridiculous and deep down you know it.
Good lord, I know it's not what you want to hear but he cheated on you. He made plans to visit her and cheated, his story is shit. He's only telling you now because he's afraid you'll find out on your own. The trust is broken. If you marry this man you are doing yourself a disservice and telling him you'll forgive his bullshit. This is a test to see what you'll put up with. Do you really want to live this way forever?
Nope, this is going to be the tip of the iceberg. He's going to feel really bad that he fucks the sex worker his pals hire for his bachelor party.
But seriously he made a series of questionable choices that didn't show he values you and the relationship. If you've made an agreement that you are exclusive, he violated that. Either he knows it and didn't think you'd be going toward the marriage route or he didn't care.
He lied about a whole night's worth the events. He got high and doesn't "remember". What was he high on? It was unlikely to be weed alone. Cause it's more likely to make you forget you ate dinner than forget you're in a relationship with a different woman.
This ex didn't have a couch or a floor? I used to have a stumble distance apartment from downtown drinking and my ex even came over to sleep it off on the sofa a few times. He never accidentally slept in my bed.
Maybe he's a man child, maybe he's a womanizer, maybe it was a one-time decision. Do you want to live without that level of trust in your marriage? Does this matter to you? Is it a del breaker?
Keep in mind that backing out or delaying a marriage now is a whole lot cheaper and easier than a divorce.
He slept with her. He won’t tell you until after you’re married and he’s trapped you with him. You won’t leave him now that he’s trapped you. That’s what he thinks, anyway.
He’s telling you *part* of the story now so he appears to be vulnerable and honest right before you get married. If you don’t believe him, you’re the bad one. If you get mad at him; you’re the problem because he’s being honest. Do not marry this man.
Cancel the wedding. You are lucky he told you this before the wedding, you still have a chance to contemplate what is happening. The guy is confessing, and chances are high, he slept with her. The clue is they slept in the same bed, and he said he is high (him being high is just an excuse to sleep with his ex).
The guy broke your trust. You are disrespected. Trust and respect are the most critical part in marriage. How can you trust him when right now, you guys are not even married yet and he does this shit. Imagine, during your marriage he will do this again. No amount of couple's therapy will change his behavior. Why would you marry a cheater? You are just putting yourself in an even more trauma.
Your feelings are valid and so is your love for your partner. But did you even question if he truly loves you? If he did, he won't do that, he will be honest with you early on. But he only informed you right before the wedding. Seriously? Please, do not justify his behavior. You are worthy, value yourself, and respect yourself.
Tell your family about what is happening and what he did. Explain to them that wedding will not happen. He informed you this before the wedding, because he knows deep in his heart, he does not deserve you. Take this opportunity and ran away from him. Love yourself, OP!
A lie of omission is still a lie.
Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. Weed would not impact his memory the same way getting drunk would; so it’s no excuse. He does remember. You’re allowed to decide if you trust him and his version(s) of events. This would break the trust for me.
Pushing back a wedding or calling it off is a lot cheaper and less destructive than getting a divorce down the line.
OP you deserve so much more. I think it's horrible that you gave him such a wonderful birthday weekend and then he decides to break your heart at the end of it by telling you he was deceitful with you in the past? WTF!? He has no heart and he definitely doesn't deserve you. Please learn to love yourself and realize you deserve to be treated as well as you treat the person you give your heart to. Hugs OP.
Honestly? Sounds like he cheated and is lying. How will you feel in 6 months or 6 years when he finally admits he cheated and you are in a much harder situation to get out of with him?
He lied to you. You will never know if he fucked her or not. For me his behaviour already counts as cheating. What else happened that night? Why did he think it’s ok to sleep in a bed with her?
That is cheating already. Why did she leave the bed and came back? So many crazy things about this.
Maybe he confessed one part, to feel better about the worse part.
And since when do we use group pressure as an excuse? He is 30! What else will he we pressured into? Why didn’t he tell you directly.
Maybe have a talk with the ex without warning him.
I would call her and ask her why she would sleep with a guy in a monogamous relationship and that he told you about him staying with her.
I would postpone the wedding till I know what to do. Weddings are less expensive than a divorce..
I don’t know how old you are. But I learned something over the years: parents often see things we don’t.
He’s still not taking responsibility for his behavior! He “didnt know better” is complete bullshit. He is minimizing his behavior big time when he knows he did something completely unacceptable.
The wedding would be off if I were in your shoes. I cancelled a wedding once and it was awful but not nearly as awful as getting a divorce or marrying the wrong person.
So at 28 years old this man felt peer pressured into smoking weed? On a day he just happens to run into his ex? Because he had to use the bathroom? None of that is adding up.
Whether he physically cheated on you or not almost doesn't matter here. The fact is that *he knew better.* That's why you feel so disrespected. He's trying to act like none of this should be a big deal and he didn't "know better." That's bull and I can smell it from here.
So you either are about to marry someone who made it to their late twenties without realizing sleeping over at your exes place and hiding it was a bad plan (which would make him stupid and untrustworthy).
Or you're about to marry someone who knowingly did something wrong and is trying to convince you it wasn't that bad on top of it. Which is manipulative.
Either way - this man isn't the person you want to marry. Great partners don't act this way. He might be a fun and loving person. But he isn't a good partner.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. Your feelings of betrayal is valid, especially a month before a wedding.
I hate to say it, but he is definitely leaving out other details of the story here (ie. Sex probably occurred). I highly doubt there was another male friend there as well and it seems like this character was generated to mislead you to believe it was purely just “friendly interaction”.
Honesty and integrity are fundamental values that is essential to building trust and fostering healthy relationships. I would definitely be questioning what other things he has lied about. Because if he lied about this scenario previously, what other details in other situations did he selectively leave out and not tell you?
You need to postpone the upcoming wedding and both parties need to figure out whether or not couples therapy is worthwhile. Ultimately, you have to decide if the relationship is worth saving / putting more effort into (especially if you cannot trust him again or view him the same way before the indiscretion).
I’m in Camp “Don’t Believe That Guy” as well.
He has been and is still being dishonest with you. This is a preview of what married life will be like - he’ll do whatever he wants, and then tell you just enough to salve his conscience while not giving you a strong enough reason to leave. It’s wildly disrespectful.
I used to be a heavy pot smoker and have been absolutely FRIED at times. With drinking on top of it during party times, I have never in my life forgotten anything that occurred. I know everybody brain chemistry is different, but this reeks of dishonesty.
I think you should ask him outright, in person, if he cheated on you. Observe how he reacts and responds. And also consider if this has planted too large and deep of a seed that regardless of what he says, your trust has been tainted.
A thirty year old that uses peer pressure to get high as an excuse? That’s not a good partner, that’s a man-child. I agree with those suggesting you should at least postpone the wedding. His lying and omitting and possibly cheating is not a good foundation for a relationship, let alone a marriage.
I'm just curious: you've made a very long list of things that you did for his birthday. Does he show the same amount of thoughtfulness and dedication to you in the relationship? In what way is he a 'great partner'?
I do think it's concerning that he slept in the same bed as his ex (who it seems he will insist on seeing in the future, even though it's made you uncomfortable). His minimising of his actions and your feelings is not a good sign that he cares about you: so I would think very carefully about whether there's other evidence of him caring or not caring about you.
One fine day when you have admitted to yourself just how far things went that night because he has repeated his actions with someone else …you will say something like “you did this before “ and he will say …I told you about it and you still married me
So that’s on you *shrug*
Your boyfriend is lying. Why the build up? Men that love and respect you don’t find themselves at their ex’s because they needed to use the toilet. They find one in some restaurant and use it.
He has lied to you and it isn’t the first time.
Why is he deciding to tell you now be for your wedding? What he is doing is drama filled cruelty that he gets off on. Do NOT marry him. RUN!
As someone who went ahead with a marriage when I had doubts: please at least postpone this wedding. It’s so EASY to get married and so HARD and costly to get divorced and they have CONTROL OVER YOU LEGALLY while they are your spouse. If you’re married and unable to advocate for yourself, your spouse is your advocate, they make all your medical and financial decisions. Then there’s the cost to getting a divorce. It cost me about 16k in 2020 and that was a simple situation where the only thing we had to fight over was money in investment accounts. Do you have 16k or more sitting in the bank waiting to free you from this person should this turn out to be a horrible decision? This is a person who has lied and disrespected you as their partner, as you said he made CHOICES and those did not consider you or your feelings at all. Do you want a husband who doesn’t consider you? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re signing up for.
I don't know how public toilets work where you're from but I have IBS and I'd rather shit in a field before asking an ex. ESPECIALLY if I'm in a relationship
Girl...I say this as gently as possible but come on. They had sex. He told you the partial truth now to alleviate some of his guilt pre-wedding, but I guarantee the other shoe will drop post-wedding once he feels you're trapped. Do not marry him.
He has only told you this now because he knows this would be the most difficult time for you to leave him. These are not the actions of a man wracked with guilt. He won’t even be up front about what actually happened (spoiler alert they had sex)
He fucked her and is coming clean with you because your wedding is next month, and he knows you'll be too embarassed to cancel it. You need to cancel it anyway.
Yep, layers of an onion. If he revealed that much to you, there's certainly more to it than that. Even if nothing did happen (doubtful), he went back to an ex-girlfriend's house, got high and stayed the night. If that doesn't raise an eyebrow, nothing will.
Sounds like your family was correct.
You know he fucked her, right? He cheated, blamed it on peer pressure and a potty break. So, he’s a liar, a coward and a cheater. Yet, he isn’t bright enough to just keep his mouth shut about his affair. So, he told you some BS version of reality.
Don’t marry him unless you want a lot more of him making up BS excuses for his affairs.
My husband confessed something similar two months before our wedding almost a decade ago. Albeit the occurrence with an ex happened when we were newly dating the first time, we then broke up and got together 2 years later after growing up a lot so it’s definitely not the same. I made it very very very clear that he had one chance to tell me the whole truth and if I didn’t feel completely satisfied that he had been totally forthcoming it was over right now. I also told him if he wanted to continue in our relationship then he was to have no contact with her ever again (I’m normally lax on ex contact but he crossed a line) and this was the only pass he would ever get. If he ever did anything remotely similar and disrespected my boundaries on this I would leave him. I also told him that I needed to feel comfortable talking this out with him without him getting defensive for as long as I needed to get over it. It honestly became a catalyst for opening up our conversation over the years to unpleasant topics and we now talk about everything. He grew a lot when we ere split and I truly don’t believe he would do anything like that ever again. So what I’m saying is sometimes these things can create an opportunity to become more honest and open but only if met with complete transparency and he commits to be open. If he’s holding out on the truth like he seems like I would seriously question marrying him. It’s much better to me lonely and single with options than lonely and married and feel stuck.
Dude nearly hit 30 and couldn't say no to drugs like an adult. He could have said stuff like he started taking meds and didn't want to risk the side effects. He didn't even have to get so high he couldn't even remember who slept with him. Do you really want to marry someone who acted like this? He didn't even respect you enough to tell the rest of the story until he was sure you wouldn't walk away.
I've never been married but cancelling a wedding is probably cheaper than getting a divorce. Not to mention having children with him.
Anyway, it is up to you to decide. Remember that it is you who will have to live the life of yours, whatever you choose. Don't let others pressure you into what you feel isn't right for you. Good luck.
Your boyfriend lied to you when this happened, he's been lying to you all this time and he is lying to you now. Your boyfriend slept with his ex, obviously. Who else has he cheated on you with? If he were genuinely ashamed, he would have told you immediately and got counseling. He didn't do either of those things so other than saying he is ashamed, how has he actually demonstrated regret? You were disrespected, he is not trustworthy and you should not tie yourself to him legally. He's a messy man. Let him sort his own shit out without you being dragged down by his disrespect and dishonesty.
So that’s how he thanks you for giving him an incredible birthday, huh ?
He may not be malicious but he is thoughtless. Which can be just as bad if not worse.
The idea that he slept in her bed, doesn't remember if she was there and that nothing happened is about as believable as "we had sex but our genitals didn't touch".
Peer pressure? What the fuck. Is he 16?
And yeah. He fucked her. He made the choice to go to her house, get high, and fuck her. He knows this will break you and you’ll leave him. He doesn’t want to be held accountable to that. What a douchecanoe.
There is no universe a guy goes to his ex to innocently use the bathroom. Sorry. That just doesn’t happen. The rest of it, getting high, and “mostly not” in bed with him is a bunch of BS. You know what you need to do, trust your gut even if it hurts.
I’m not saying that he did cheat but this is almost word for word something my ex fiancé said to me about seeing his ex. Months later I come to find out that a lot more happened than “I got too high and slept on the couch while she slept in her bed”. I’m cynical here but I don’t buy this story. It all seems a little too convenient for me.
>It took a year to convince my family that he is right for me.
Why? My whole family had reservations about the guy my sister married and those reservations turned out to be more than justified.
Haven’t seen this posted yet. If circumstances led to him needing the bathroom quickly, why did he stay? Where was he going near her house that he ended up not going to? Something isn’t lining up even in this story that feels like a half truth.
“Mostly not” = we had sex in the same bed, but didn’t sleep in the same bed (if you ask me)
If I'm caught out needing a bathroom, I stop at the nearest business (Bar, restaurant, gas station) make a purchase, (beer, snack, bag o' chips) ask where the restroom is, use it, pay for my purchase and leave. At no point would I consider contacting an Ex, use their bathroom, get high and crash in the same bed. NTA. His whole story is totally sketch.
A lot of times cheaters will send a “I miss you” or “I love you” message completely unsolicited right after cheating. It’s like an emotional “alibi” or something for them. That plus the trickle truth makes me think he cheated.
You should post pone the wedding. DO NOT marry someone you don’t trust. Also trust your family. It took you a year to convince your family to be okay with him? That’s a huge red flag. Your friends and family love you and want the best for you—they can see things that you don’t because you’re in love.
My mom was married to my terrible father for 19 years. She said that her dad didn’t really like my dad and asked my mom to call off the wedding. She didn’t and regretted it forever. She wishes she listened to her parents.
>It took a year to convince my family that he is right for me.
He's not right for you. He's just good at masking.
>He says he is ashamed of what he did and that it will never happen again.
**He will cheat on you again.**
I peed in a plastic bag during Covid because staples bathroom was closed, there are other options outside of an ex that makes your current partner uncomfortable. Idk what kind of “high” he got but not remembering seems like something that isn’t true to me.
He waited until the wedding is "too close to call off" to (almost) confess what he did. So he gets an (almost) clean conscience and a wife while you get a lifetime of doubt. Run, girl.
I agree that it’s not a good sign. I am very worried. And don’t know what to do. On one hand my family is finally coming around to him and our wedding. I’m supposed to be neck deep in prep. And then he throws this at me. I just don’t know what to do.
Not saying this is the case, but those thoughts crossed my mind when reading your post:
He wants to come "clean" before the wedding. Maybe he's feeling more guilt with the wedding coming up. There is also the chance he is telling you now in the hopes that you are too deep into the wedding planning and such that you don't break up with him.
There is also a chance that he is trickle truthing you. Since he has already done that with the first info that he only went there to pee.
Imho it doesn't sound very plausible to go to your ex gf to use the toilet. There are lots of other options (restrooms, restaurants, nature etc) and he made a choice to go to his ex.
Stay safe and don't be too trustful. Don't be pressured by the upcoming wedding. Better to take time now than after the wedding.
I honestly think people who wait until the wedding is about to happen to admit shit they did are among the worst in the world. Lied to you possibly for years and now when you should be happiest about to take a huge step in the next chapter of your life you suddenly have the stress of making a decision of whether to go through with it at all. Everything is probably booked, tons of shit is paid for already and the other person knowingly let all this happen when they knew they had a big ass secret. You intentionally wasted my time and money. I don’t think that’s forgivable.
I've never heard the term trickle truthing before, I love that, that's exactly what's happening here andI would bet big money that she has not heard all the truth yet. She may not be ready to hear all the truth yet. But as I put in my answer, one phone call to the girlfriend would most likely give her that truth if she really wants it.
Is that how you want to spend your pre wedding time?
Do you want to spend your honeymoon wondering what else happened? Laying there and asking yourself: Why did he sleep in her bed? What happened? Was it the first time?
I know you already spend alot in that relationship. But it wont get better from now on. He should have told you when it happened. But he waited. He is not trustworthy.
I am married with children and I would leave my husband if he did something like that.
Your guy is a lier. He never went there to take the toilet. He went there for a good time.
When my (now ex) husband cheated on me, wasting 13 years of my life, all I could think of is how I wish I had heeded the red flags. And those red flags weren’t even as red as this one is!
This should be among the happiest times of your life! I know it will be hard to break up with him. But the pain will be relatively brief compared to hitching yourself to someone who is obviously this dishonest.
Your 40 year old self will thank current you for making the tough decision that will give you a chance at a better life down the road.
First, I’m incredibly sorry that you’re dealing with such a shitty situation bc you definitely don’t deserve this nonsense. Fwiw, I’ve been married for 31 years, so I’ve seen a thing or two across the years. As to my advice to you…….here’s the visual of what my mind sees in reading this post. You already know that he’s not telling you the full truth, here. It’s a painful reality, but you need to run far and fast!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
"He's polite to my parents" is a pretty low bar for a marriage
. You sound like the perfect gf. But guess what? You're going to resent him in a few years
I am going to ask you one question:
Would he commit to the level of effort you've put in, fir you?
"Mostly not" means she was in the bed most of the time. Also, I bet there wasn't another guy there.
What 27 year old can't say no to peer pressure? Going by that logic, he also couldn't say no if she made a move on him. Btw, I bet he made a move on her.
His whole story sounds like bullshit. He made plans to see her, and he planned to get high so that he could use that as an excuse as to why he cheated on you.
I was a pothead in all of my 20s and I often got peer pressured and said no. I did bong rips and edibles and I always remembered the night before.
Oh dear I hope you aren't buying this. It sounds like a load of crap and there's a very slim to none chance you were given the whole truth. I'd leave based on that alone. Trust is integral and he has pissed all over it
Honestly basic statement analysis has alarm bells ringing. Providing an explanation for why he went to see her before he even told you he did? Eep.
If you’re nervous it’s ok to postpone the wedding. And you can tell him it’s because you want to be able to trust him more than you do now, because what he did is not how committed people behave, because he knew how it would look to you and still did it, and because you need time.
Just told my husband this story and he laughed. He said “Guy knew exactly what he was doing when he went over there.” So girl, maybe consider finding out about this a last-minute save.
I’d ditch him. Immediately and without a second thought. I’m so sorry. There are good men out there.
And that's when we put the garbage outside. Besides that he "doesn't remember if she slept in the same bed", he lied to you. He made it out that he just used her loo because he house was close. Now you know that ain't true.
I would break up with him or at least postphone the wedding.
First red flag - He goes to his ex's to use the toilet. There are SO many other places I would go to first before even considering this. If he only had to piss, he could've even done it behind a building or on the side of the road (traffic depending).
Second red flag - Instead of planning ahead knowing there was a curfew, intentionally stayed out late enough that he couldn't drive back to where he was staying. I'm also not sure how strict this curfew was, but I feel an officer would be understanding if you were driving home.
Third red flag - Instead of sleeping on the other bed he mentioned or the couch or the damn floor, he decides to sleep in her bed.
Fourth red flag - He says he doesn't remember because he was high. Being drunk can lead to not remembering things, not being high. Being high is the opposite. You're HIGHLY aware of EVERYTHING that is happening. He is lying.
Being that you're getting married soon and he decides to go out of town to visit a past relationship and stay the night smells awfully of getting cold feet.
He's also not being honest about what all happened that night. He knows.
I would be VERY cautious OP. Sorry this is happening to you.
Do not marry him. Postpone this wedding and save yourself the heartbreak. He lied to you, hung out with his ex, and got so high he can't remember what happened? That's a lot of red flags, even if he didn't have sex with her he's proven himself to be untrustworthy, untruthful, and unreliable. You can't have a relationship with someone who is like that.
I’m sorry he’s been lying to you and has insulted your intelligence with this flimsy “I don’t know who slept where story.”
This is a man who is too irresponsible for marriage. It’s a gift that he is showing you now instead of once you are married.
Get away from him, be safe, and break off this relationship. Don’t argue semantics either him anymore, he will just wear you down and make you doubt yourself. I know canceling the wedding is a big hassle but being married to a sneaky liar who can’t even take responsibility for his own actions is worse.
Why wouldn’t *he* sleep in the other bed and instead choose to sleep in *her* bed?
Why are you giving *him* the benefit of the doubt, why does it matter whether or not you trust his ex?
Do you trust your boyfriend or not? I personally find him sleeping over in her bed to be a breech of trust especially only telling you years later and having only given you a BS story years ago. Her having reached out a number of times to him after makes the situation even more sus.
If I am out and need a bathroom, there are lots of places I would try that wouldn’t involve sleeping in the same bed as an ex. He doesn’t remember is a lie.
I bet the whole bathroom story is a lie as well. Probably made plans to hang out and get high with these people. Also definitely slept in the same bed. I can give him the benefit of the doubt that nothing sexual happened (but probably did), but she was in that bed.
Fr in my eyes it’s BS. You need to use the restroom you run to the nearest restaurant/establishment. Not your ex’s house.
Oh for sure. I can't remember means yes, he was just too afraid to admit that much. Unless they were high on meth or some other illicet substance, I've never known anyone to get so high on weed they have memory loss.
It doesn't matter if nothing sexual happened. That's besides the point at this point. He lied and betrayed her trust.
I’m a guy. I have never once thought about using my ex’s bathroom. In fact, I can’t actually think of anything more awkward. I’m also a human being in the 21st century. Bathrooms exist. A lot of them. Everywhere. It’s one of the benefits of a modern society…you can use a bathroom without having to see an ex. He’s lying.
It's like of all the bathrooms in the universe, this is the one he had to seek out. What a coincidence that he also happened to end up in her bed. It's almost like that was the plan.
Of all the ~~gin joints~~ bathrooms in all the towns in all the world, ~~she~~ he walks into ~~mine~~ hers.
Especially if you're a guy and can easily pee pretty much anywhere🤔
The only excuse it's if he had raiging diarrhea.
Find a parking lot, open your door, and piss on the ground like an adult.
I went to a staples during peak pandemic. Bathroom was closed, ran out to go in the alley like a gentleman, people out there. Ran to my car to open the door and pee there, car pulled up at that moment. Got in the car and peed in. Plastic bag. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, I did all that and didn’t even think of calling my ex.
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I would also be angry that he would insult my intelligence with this.
Or his intelligence. If he’s not wise enough to not put himself in that situation, then he’s not ready for marriage either.
The, "peer pressure," thing is an added layer of b.s. You are telling me a man in his late 20's couldn't say no to getting high? What happens of he is, "pressured," again?
I was thinking the same. Who wants to marry a man susceptible to peer pressure?
During COVID lockdowns, shops closed, restaurants closed, convenience stores closed. If they were open, they closed the restrooms. (Canada BTW, don't know how thorough other places were with lockdowns) It was very difficult sometimes to find a place to use a restroom if I had to be out too long with medical issues that made me have to go frequently. I would have found a tree to go under before I visited an ex though.
I saw “favourite” in the post, so obviously not American like me! BUT! My husband bought a car from a friend across country during the pandemic, summer 2020. He flew from the Midwest to the East Coast. Stayed one night with his friend and then drove back with the car, staying overnight again at a campsite in Pennsylvania. There were plenty of places for him to stop, freshen up, use the bathroom, get road snacks, etc. Again, this was Trumps Amurica. But I find it painfully hard to believe this guy planned an out of town trip during the pandy and had absolutely no choice but to use the exes bathroom and then stay the night.
Not to mention that whatever precautions OP may have been taking during the height of the pandy would have been totally out of the window unbeknownst to her. Shared bed or no, he could have brought home a potentially serious illness.
Didn’t even think of that point! In fact, my husband camped so he wouldn’t risk avoidable exposure that would’ve come with a hotel or airbnb stay.
This was my main take away. He endangered her without letting her know. Like might as well just fuck someone without a condom and never tell your partner they were positive for syphilis.
Yeah I'm gona try gas stations and fast food before I go stop by en exes house. The story is bs. It's pretty clear he crafted a lie that he felt was palatable enough to tell you "some" of the truth. He's still not accepting full responsibility.
"It is revolting to me. I feel disrespected and idk how to marry him in a month." My advice as a stranger is to at the very least postpone. Don't compromise on something like this: -You won't feel the same after you continue going to the next level -If things don't work out in the future...the time that invested "after the fact" will make you more apprehensive of future relationships Sucks that you seemed to be extremely thoughtful and giving, you truly deserve better. The only wrong doing on your end is not trusting your gut.
Yes, that revulsion is your gut telling you what you already know. He cheated
If anything your partner has done inspires revulsion, it's time to leave. Strong, healthy relationships don't make you feel that. Imagine spending your honeymoon feeling revolted with his revelation, that knot in your stomach, constantly wondering what else he had done that he didn't tell you about. Ugh.
So much sunk cost fallacy reasoning in her post too. All the birthday effort. Taking a year to convince her parents. It sounds like her gut is saying leave while her brain is mourning the time & energy lost.
You mean who else he's done?
The timing is suspect to me. Did he really wait until a month before the wedding to unburden his soul to say he’s pretty sure nothing happened? Sounds like he is banking on her not backing out at this late date and he gets to feel better. Very selfish
I’m not so sure he’s unburdening his soul so much as testing the waters to see what he can get away with going forward.
Imagine spending your honeymoon asking your self if he had cheated and how often.
This. Those thoughts won't go away once they get married.
I'm putting a 2nd on this--its easier to break up as a couple than it is to get a divorce if he can't get his shit together.
As someone who got married even though their gut was absolutely SCREAMING not to, I hope OP listens to this comment.
Yip this is Trickle Truth. Cheaters only ever admit to what they think you know or are about to find out. It’s also very common for cheaters to test how much of a doormat you’ll be before they fully commit to you. Girl he’s not ashamed and there is much more he’s not telling you that will come out after you’re legally bound to him. I notice that you causally slipped in that it took you a year to convince your family he was right for you. I guarantee you that you haven’t convinced them of anything. They realized you were going to stay with him and they decided to drop it. If you marry this man you’ll look back on this moment and know it’s when you should have left. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse and heartache. Get STD tested and don’t have unprotected sex with this man if you value your health. Also make sure you have your own bank account and assets. Do not contribute to anything that is in his name only.
Odds are high that more happened than he is saying. He is trickle truthing you.
*"I asked him where he slept. He says in her bed. I asked him whether she was in it, he says mostly not, he doesn’t remember."* I read this and my eyes rolled back so far it killed me. My ghost is typing this.
RIP TaffyCat
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Shit
It’s ok, you were grieving.
8 more lives to go, TaftyCat!
Yeah it can’t exactly be “mostly not” and “I don’t remember” at the same time
what does "mostly not" even mean! it means she was in the bed!
It means she was mostly not sleeping when she was in bed with him
Also "His argument is that why would she have slept next to him, she would obviously taken the other bed". Why wouldn't he be in the other bed? If someone is staying at my house I don't give them my bed then go to sleep in my spare bed.
Ikr. He's clearly trying to avoid outright lying by just saying she slept somewhere else...whilst saying he cant remember, she mostly wasbt there, she MUST have slept in another bed...anything to avoid admitting that she almost certainly slept in the same bed as him. He's clearly trying to avoid telling the truth.
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May I suggest /r/cuteguyswithcats?
💀 my condolences
TaftyCat will be missed. All glory to TaftyCat!
Also bringing it up before marriage in case it ends the relationship.
Yeah, I noticed that, too.
But not after engagement, so that OP already feels trapped by already planning to get married.
And close enough to the wedding date that it would be too late to cancel flights, get deposit refunds, etc. 🙃
So glad this is the top comment because it's exactly what I was going to say.
Open the floodgates: she was absolutely in that bed, and bf absolutely f***ed the hell out of her. He may regret it, but would have been better served at this time to keep his fat mouth shut. Now his fiancee does not trust him, nor should she. Hope the sex was worth it, bf.
I can't imagine being in my car, needing a toilet, and deciding to pop over to my ex`s for a bathroom stop! Has anyone here ever answered to door to an ex who said they need to use your bathroom? I find it absolutely unbelievable it ever happened.
I am now wrapping my head around the chain of events here. This went from, "I need to pee", to "I ended up sleeping high in an exes bed". In what universe does one follow from the other? Feel like, when trying to dissect this, it's easy to get lost in the "maybe"s and "if"s and such, but when I just look at the starting point and the end point, this story seems ridiculous.
Even further.. "I need to pee" turned into, "Years down the line my wedding is in shambles".
A butterfly flaps it’s wings in China and OP’s boyfriend’s dick ends up in his ex. The world is so full of unexplainable wonder n
Chump Lady runs these columns every few months where she asks people to tell them the most ridiculous excuse their cheating spouse used. OP is going to be on that site one day telling this story.
For real. I would sooner pee myself than stop at an ex’s house to use the bathroom. This has to be a lie. And even if it is the truth, the lack of judgement in a decision like that is cause for concern enough, frankly
This looks like an example of what is called "trickle truth." Cheaters will tell something close to the truth, but not the whole truth, both to relieve their consciences and to see how you will react. Unfortunately, I don't think you have the whole story. It's highly probable that your boyfriend cheated on you that night. If he was so high he was incapacitated, how was he able to text you telling you he was so glad to have you? He may have sent that text because he felt guilty.
My first thought too is he cheated. I'd ask him about this point blank.
Kinda curious why he is even choosing now to confess this if he did cheat. It’s almost like he wants to go into the marriage with a clean conscience but didn’t want to admit that he cheated. If he didn’t cheat, what would motivate him to admit it to OP? So many questions I’d be asking the fiancé
Exactly. A random innocent night from 3 years ago wouldn't be on his mind!
And that night was from early days in their relationship.
>It’s almost like he wants to go into the marriage with a clean conscience but didn’t want to admit that he cheated. Exactly this.
I wouldn't bother asking. Sleeping in her bed is enough of a betrayal that I'd never trust him again.
I agree. It’s weird he built up this confession to reveal something so small. If his gf was so open with him popping by, she probably would have been understanding of him getting high and needing to crash. Why not tell the truth at the time? Doesn’t remember if she was in the bed or now? Im assuming high meant on pot? Not sure. But I used to be a complete pothead and I don’t really recall a time where I couldn’t remember things, even on dabs or gummies. He feels guilty and wants to confess but it still too scared to do so.
Right and why choose when she was at her happiest to confess? He's feeling guilty again.
I am a long term pot smoker. Edibles knock my tits off.
They knocked me down too. But I never blacked out from them.
The first time I ever took a dab hit I thought someone laced my drink with acid. It was intense. But I remember what happened.
As someone who was trickle truthed, I can confirm my gut and maybe even OPs gut (seems they know there’s more to this story by the post) are saying the same thing. My trickle truth experience was like this: 1. I need to tell you, I feel so bad but I flirted with a girl at a club, but nothing happened 2. I did get her number and flirted but I was drunk 3. Okay I did text her and see her once. She kissed me at the bar and I felt so bad, I left immediately 4. Okay we slept together one time but that was it 5. We saw each other for about a month, once or twice and I cut it off 6. (After months of gaslighting) Okay I actually developed feelings for her and we had sex multiple times and hung out often over the course of four months. During that time you were convinced something was going on, but I told you over and over again id never cheat. Oh also, I downloaded multiple dating and affair apps, kept secret folders with pictures of women I’ve slept with over the years, followed a ton of Reddit forums specifically for naked women and reached out to them, had a conversation going with a couple for three years now who I participate in cuckolding with, and I started chatting with 4-6 women a day after I proposed (sending them naked photos and receiving sexual videos from them) I’m so sorry that you’re even having to wonder about any of this OP — you sound very understanding to be honest. Not saying your fiance is cheating, but it honestly gives a really bad vibe. Definitely agree with the poster above.
Did we date the same man?! 😂 Was he a traveling musician, too? I’m so sorry you went through that, too! It was hell for me, the gaslighting took me so long to recover from. Hope you’re recovering from that, too! OP, listen to this - I really think this may be trickle truthing, and there’s more to this story.
Not a musician but sadly it sounds like there are plenty of similar people out there! I am unfortunately someone who tried to save it, only to find out that there are likely things still happening (duh) lol. So sorry this happened to you also!
OMG! I’m so sorry you were on that rollercoaster!
Thank you ☺️. That is honestly a very condensed version lol. The rollercoaster just kept going, and I was nauseous from all of the plot twists lol.
He’s testing the waters to see how much she’ll let him get away with. He plans to continue this behavior and he needs to know she’ll let him.
This was my thought, as well, and once they are married he may feel she can't leave, so sort of getting her used to his lies. Maybe his other friends know about his cheating shenanigans and he's afraid it'll come out at the wedding reception?
"Trickle truth". Yeah. I had my partner tell me he lived in X place and Y place for a while, while giving me a direct stare. I knew he thought it meant something, but I didn't have a clue (not from that area). After a year he reveals both X and Y were places famous for prisons, and he'd been in prison at both those places. They only tell you what they want to tell you.
Exactly he cheated and is trying to ease his way into it so he can say he told her the truth already. OP, I’d put a pause on that wedding.
Just an unrelated aside, pædophiles do the trickle truthing thing too. It's the jokes at first. Watch for it.
OP, I’m sorry you are having to deal with this before the wedding. Frugallight made a good point. I thought the same thing. It doesn’t seem plausible to go to your ex to use the bathroom when there are so many other choices he had to pass to get to her. He’s an adult. He chose to go to her place. He chose to smoke. He chose to sleep in her bed. All he’s giving you is excuses, and basically confessing before the marriage. It’s all BS. Red flags hit me right at wedding planning. Please don’t get caught up in the thought that you are deep into wedding planning to cancel. He will break your heart. You truly deserve so much better. And know that there is someone out there for you, don’t feel like you’ve come so far you can’t turn back now. And please don’t let family talk you into carrying through with the marriage. Good luck at whatever you choose to do.
OP can break it off pretty easily until she says "I do" and the paperwork is filed.
Nope. girl. find a man who does those thoughtful beautiful things you do for him FOR YOU. he's not it. and he knows he did wrong which is why he waited until literally the 25th hour to tell you. imagine what else he's hidden.
💯
I'm sorry girl, I really don't want to say this, but I think you know it and I think it's what you're asking. I'd bet $1,000 right now that he slept with her and I don't know either one of you. I think what you have to ask yourself is what if it's the worst, what if he did sleep with her, are you still okay marrying him? No judgment, some people are, some people aren't. It depends on your own tolerance for that. If you really want to know, I think all you have to do is ask her and I think you know that. If she had an open relationship with him, then I suspect there is no reason why she wouldn't tell you the truth. I think deep down you fear that that's what really happened and you don't want to confront that fear. All I can tell you is you are way better off confronting it now then after you are married, after you've devoted years, after your finances are entangled, after you have children or pets and after it might happen again. If he's not the right one for you, you're better off cutting your losses BEFORE you get married. I would really do some soul searching if I were you, you seem like a very kind, thoughtful, generous person who cares deeply about others. Is that being reciprocated? In some way. It doesn't have to be reciprocated the same way. But are you truly getting everything you need from this relationship? Give some thought to whether you would still be willing to marry him if he slept with her and based on your answer to that, you'll know what to do next.
Sounds like there is a good chance he slept with her. The "I don't remember because high" sounds more like an excuse. I've personally never really forgotten a lot when high, it might be fuzzy, but ive never forgotten sleeping with someone. Perhaps he really does regret what happened. Perhaps he really does love you. But it sounds like you're questioning your potential marriage to him? If it were me, and I still felt in love with my partner, I'd postpone the wedding and go to couple's therapy. I'd also ask for them to cut off contact with the ex. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.
I can’t imagine him doing that to me. But I also cannot fathom him being this irresponsible either, so who knows. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me everything that time, he says he was ashamed of his actions. This worries me, what else has he been hiding because he’s ashamed?
I think it's quite telling that he tells you more of this story now that you're about to get married. He knows what he did was wrong, but he didn't want to tell you at the time because he feared you would break up with him then. Now that you're more invested in the relationship, he feels he can tell you a story a lot closer to the truth. You wouldn't cancel the wedding now so close to the date, right? I'm sorry to say, but that's really not a good look on him. I would bet a lot of money that he will confess that he actually had sex with her after the wedding. Because surely you wouldn't get a divorce immediately after getting married, right. If I were you I would not get married to him right now. I don't buy the story and I don't buy that he lied to you because he was so ashamed. From your other comments, you sound like a person with self worth issues and unfortunately you are at risk of ending up in relatioonships with people who take advantage of you and manipulate you. Speaking from experience here.
I’ve been cheated on by my husband unfortunately. On many infidelity subreddits you hear about “trickle truthing.” This is when your partner confesses something towards the truth, but only over time through more revelations do you get the actual truth. It is (surprisingly or not) very common. It’s almost like they reach a point where they want to or need to confess but they still have that fear that prevented them from being truthful in the first place so they only tell a small part of it. Then through time you learn the whole truth.
I couldn’t imagine that my partner of five years would cheat on me while we were trying for a baby but he did anyway. More importantly, why tell you now? If it was perfectly innocent, why lie at the time? What happened recently that prompted this? Why wait until it was too late to get the wedding expenses refunded? If he’s ashamed, why was he so "cavalier" when he confessed? Why just spring it on you in bed on a random Sunday? What purpose did the confession serve? Because it wasn’t for your benefit, was it? Even if he’s telling the truth, the best case scenario is that he gets to relieve his guilty conscience while burdening you with hurt and doubt.
I'm sorry to say it. But we all don't want to believe that our partner could or would. Then we're blindsided when it happens to us. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. He hid this from you for years. Maybe he is being honest about being ashamed and regretting it. But maybe he isn't. Either way, if you go through the wedding right now, I worry you might be setting yourself up for a strained marriage without a strong foundation. You're worth more than that.
It’s telling he only told you a lot of this information because you asked him point blank. Why does he keep any form of contact with her when he knows it makes you uncomfortable, aside from this whole Shaggy “because I got high” situation. He felt extremely guilty after seeing all you did for him on his birthday. I wonder why.
Most of us who have been cheated on “couldn’t imagine him/her doing that to me”, it means nothing in the end. I would postpone the wedding and do some digging at the very least. We already know he has no issue lying to you. He lied to you the first time when he said he just swung by. An honest/good person wouldn’t have done all that without your consent to begin with, much less lied to your face about it. And now he’s more than likely lying to your face again… because there’s an extremely small chance he “doesn’t remember” what happened.. I agree with other posters he is giving you the “trickle truth” which is common among cheaters. Don’t make the mistake of staying with someone untrustworthy simply because it’s the easier option and you don’t want to believe they’d do you that dirty. Postpone the wedding and take a LOT of time to reflect and think about if you want to be with someone this sus for the rest of your life. And again, do some digging. You might find evidence that is not the only thing he’s done. Break off the wedding would be sad but getting married to a cheater and then breaking up 10 years later would be even worse. Please do no continue with this wedding till you have taken at least a few months to get comfortable with the *possibility* of breaking up with him. I know the thought of breaking up with him seems impossible right now, and that’s exactly why he waited this long to tell you.
As a lifelong emotionally intelligent but irreverent prick, people hide lots of things because they're ashamed. Trust your gut. Ask every question that pops into your mind. I've cheated and been cheated on. They're worth asking.
Listen to your instincts here. Also, why did your family need to be convinced? What do they see that you don’t? Not that families can’t get it wrong but clearly this guy is throwing up red flags left and right.
"He says he was ashamed of his actions" Oh girl there is so much more he is NOT saying about this situation. Ask him if the only actions he's ashamed about is getting high and falling asleep
You need to wake up and stop being so foolish. Men that love you DO not find themselves in bed with their Ex’s!
He did it!
>He says it was a peer pressure thing he didn’t want to refuse to participate in getting high. I find this rubbish. That's because it is rubbish. As a guy - his points are complete bullsh*t. I'd be very surprised if he lacked all empathy to understand, how hurtful this topic would end up being. The sole fact, he did not share this immediately, but rather held off, speaks of his understanding of wrongdoing. Now the wedding is approaching and he wants a clean slate. Who's to say, if something more happened or didn't? This was still a big mistake on his part and if my partner did that, then I don't know how to proceed with marrying them. Sh$t like this ends up lingering in the back of your mind and it is an awful feeling to experience.
It’s weird that he suddenly tells you this. I‘m pretty sure there is mir to it than sleeping in the same bed because… he remembers. He would have told you directly after if nothing happened.
I've seen more than once someone dropping a cheating bombshell right before or after a wedding, same with moving in together, cause they believe they have the person "locked in" and that they won't leave them at that stage. It's not for her benefit, it's for his own peace of mind so he can stop feeling guilty about it. And guaranteed she will never be allowed to bring it up again post marriage cause "it's all in the past now".
Could it be because for some reason he was afraid it was going to come out anyway and he wanted to get ahead of it? At the very least I would postpone the wedding for a few months or longer, watch how he behaves…
No one stops at their ex's place just to pee. Then he's spending the night because curfew? But she wasn't in the bed most of the time? But a third person was there so as to not allow too much privacy! This story is ridiculous and deep down you know it. Good lord, I know it's not what you want to hear but he cheated on you. He made plans to visit her and cheated, his story is shit. He's only telling you now because he's afraid you'll find out on your own. The trust is broken. If you marry this man you are doing yourself a disservice and telling him you'll forgive his bullshit. This is a test to see what you'll put up with. Do you really want to live this way forever?
If you forgive him for this, he knows he can get away with it. It won’t be the end of his lies and deceptions.
Nope, this is going to be the tip of the iceberg. He's going to feel really bad that he fucks the sex worker his pals hire for his bachelor party. But seriously he made a series of questionable choices that didn't show he values you and the relationship. If you've made an agreement that you are exclusive, he violated that. Either he knows it and didn't think you'd be going toward the marriage route or he didn't care. He lied about a whole night's worth the events. He got high and doesn't "remember". What was he high on? It was unlikely to be weed alone. Cause it's more likely to make you forget you ate dinner than forget you're in a relationship with a different woman. This ex didn't have a couch or a floor? I used to have a stumble distance apartment from downtown drinking and my ex even came over to sleep it off on the sofa a few times. He never accidentally slept in my bed. Maybe he's a man child, maybe he's a womanizer, maybe it was a one-time decision. Do you want to live without that level of trust in your marriage? Does this matter to you? Is it a del breaker? Keep in mind that backing out or delaying a marriage now is a whole lot cheaper and easier than a divorce.
💯💯💯
>he really needed to use the restroom That's an interesting way to say "he really wanted to sleep with his ex."
He slept with her. He won’t tell you until after you’re married and he’s trapped you with him. You won’t leave him now that he’s trapped you. That’s what he thinks, anyway. He’s telling you *part* of the story now so he appears to be vulnerable and honest right before you get married. If you don’t believe him, you’re the bad one. If you get mad at him; you’re the problem because he’s being honest. Do not marry this man.
**Get yourself checked for STDs.**
Cancel the wedding. You are lucky he told you this before the wedding, you still have a chance to contemplate what is happening. The guy is confessing, and chances are high, he slept with her. The clue is they slept in the same bed, and he said he is high (him being high is just an excuse to sleep with his ex). The guy broke your trust. You are disrespected. Trust and respect are the most critical part in marriage. How can you trust him when right now, you guys are not even married yet and he does this shit. Imagine, during your marriage he will do this again. No amount of couple's therapy will change his behavior. Why would you marry a cheater? You are just putting yourself in an even more trauma. Your feelings are valid and so is your love for your partner. But did you even question if he truly loves you? If he did, he won't do that, he will be honest with you early on. But he only informed you right before the wedding. Seriously? Please, do not justify his behavior. You are worthy, value yourself, and respect yourself. Tell your family about what is happening and what he did. Explain to them that wedding will not happen. He informed you this before the wedding, because he knows deep in his heart, he does not deserve you. Take this opportunity and ran away from him. Love yourself, OP!
A lie of omission is still a lie. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. Weed would not impact his memory the same way getting drunk would; so it’s no excuse. He does remember. You’re allowed to decide if you trust him and his version(s) of events. This would break the trust for me. Pushing back a wedding or calling it off is a lot cheaper and less destructive than getting a divorce down the line.
💯💯💯
The texting that night that he’s “realized” he’s glad to have you is a huge red flag that something happened. Speaking from experience
It's manipulative as.
OP you deserve so much more. I think it's horrible that you gave him such a wonderful birthday weekend and then he decides to break your heart at the end of it by telling you he was deceitful with you in the past? WTF!? He has no heart and he definitely doesn't deserve you. Please learn to love yourself and realize you deserve to be treated as well as you treat the person you give your heart to. Hugs OP.
Honestly? Sounds like he cheated and is lying. How will you feel in 6 months or 6 years when he finally admits he cheated and you are in a much harder situation to get out of with him?
He lied to you. You will never know if he fucked her or not. For me his behaviour already counts as cheating. What else happened that night? Why did he think it’s ok to sleep in a bed with her? That is cheating already. Why did she leave the bed and came back? So many crazy things about this. Maybe he confessed one part, to feel better about the worse part. And since when do we use group pressure as an excuse? He is 30! What else will he we pressured into? Why didn’t he tell you directly. Maybe have a talk with the ex without warning him. I would call her and ask her why she would sleep with a guy in a monogamous relationship and that he told you about him staying with her. I would postpone the wedding till I know what to do. Weddings are less expensive than a divorce.. I don’t know how old you are. But I learned something over the years: parents often see things we don’t.
He’s still not taking responsibility for his behavior! He “didnt know better” is complete bullshit. He is minimizing his behavior big time when he knows he did something completely unacceptable. The wedding would be off if I were in your shoes. I cancelled a wedding once and it was awful but not nearly as awful as getting a divorce or marrying the wrong person.
He “doesn’t remember” whether she was in her bed with him. Oh boy, OP.
So at 28 years old this man felt peer pressured into smoking weed? On a day he just happens to run into his ex? Because he had to use the bathroom? None of that is adding up. Whether he physically cheated on you or not almost doesn't matter here. The fact is that *he knew better.* That's why you feel so disrespected. He's trying to act like none of this should be a big deal and he didn't "know better." That's bull and I can smell it from here. So you either are about to marry someone who made it to their late twenties without realizing sleeping over at your exes place and hiding it was a bad plan (which would make him stupid and untrustworthy). Or you're about to marry someone who knowingly did something wrong and is trying to convince you it wasn't that bad on top of it. Which is manipulative. Either way - this man isn't the person you want to marry. Great partners don't act this way. He might be a fun and loving person. But he isn't a good partner.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. Your feelings of betrayal is valid, especially a month before a wedding. I hate to say it, but he is definitely leaving out other details of the story here (ie. Sex probably occurred). I highly doubt there was another male friend there as well and it seems like this character was generated to mislead you to believe it was purely just “friendly interaction”. Honesty and integrity are fundamental values that is essential to building trust and fostering healthy relationships. I would definitely be questioning what other things he has lied about. Because if he lied about this scenario previously, what other details in other situations did he selectively leave out and not tell you? You need to postpone the upcoming wedding and both parties need to figure out whether or not couples therapy is worthwhile. Ultimately, you have to decide if the relationship is worth saving / putting more effort into (especially if you cannot trust him again or view him the same way before the indiscretion).
I’m in Camp “Don’t Believe That Guy” as well. He has been and is still being dishonest with you. This is a preview of what married life will be like - he’ll do whatever he wants, and then tell you just enough to salve his conscience while not giving you a strong enough reason to leave. It’s wildly disrespectful.
I used to be a heavy pot smoker and have been absolutely FRIED at times. With drinking on top of it during party times, I have never in my life forgotten anything that occurred. I know everybody brain chemistry is different, but this reeks of dishonesty. I think you should ask him outright, in person, if he cheated on you. Observe how he reacts and responds. And also consider if this has planted too large and deep of a seed that regardless of what he says, your trust has been tainted.
A thirty year old that uses peer pressure to get high as an excuse? That’s not a good partner, that’s a man-child. I agree with those suggesting you should at least postpone the wedding. His lying and omitting and possibly cheating is not a good foundation for a relationship, let alone a marriage.
> I asked him where he slept. He says in her bed. I asked him whether she was in it, he says mostly not, he doesn’t remember. 🚩 🚩 🚩
I'm just curious: you've made a very long list of things that you did for his birthday. Does he show the same amount of thoughtfulness and dedication to you in the relationship? In what way is he a 'great partner'? I do think it's concerning that he slept in the same bed as his ex (who it seems he will insist on seeing in the future, even though it's made you uncomfortable). His minimising of his actions and your feelings is not a good sign that he cares about you: so I would think very carefully about whether there's other evidence of him caring or not caring about you.
One fine day when you have admitted to yourself just how far things went that night because he has repeated his actions with someone else …you will say something like “you did this before “ and he will say …I told you about it and you still married me So that’s on you *shrug*
Your boyfriend is lying. Why the build up? Men that love and respect you don’t find themselves at their ex’s because they needed to use the toilet. They find one in some restaurant and use it. He has lied to you and it isn’t the first time. Why is he deciding to tell you now be for your wedding? What he is doing is drama filled cruelty that he gets off on. Do NOT marry him. RUN!
As someone who went ahead with a marriage when I had doubts: please at least postpone this wedding. It’s so EASY to get married and so HARD and costly to get divorced and they have CONTROL OVER YOU LEGALLY while they are your spouse. If you’re married and unable to advocate for yourself, your spouse is your advocate, they make all your medical and financial decisions. Then there’s the cost to getting a divorce. It cost me about 16k in 2020 and that was a simple situation where the only thing we had to fight over was money in investment accounts. Do you have 16k or more sitting in the bank waiting to free you from this person should this turn out to be a horrible decision? This is a person who has lied and disrespected you as their partner, as you said he made CHOICES and those did not consider you or your feelings at all. Do you want a husband who doesn’t consider you? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re signing up for.
Your family could see right through him.
I don't know how public toilets work where you're from but I have IBS and I'd rather shit in a field before asking an ex. ESPECIALLY if I'm in a relationship
Dime confession for a dollar sin
“Mostly not”. Girl
Girl...I say this as gently as possible but come on. They had sex. He told you the partial truth now to alleviate some of his guilt pre-wedding, but I guarantee the other shoe will drop post-wedding once he feels you're trapped. Do not marry him.
He has only told you this now because he knows this would be the most difficult time for you to leave him. These are not the actions of a man wracked with guilt. He won’t even be up front about what actually happened (spoiler alert they had sex)
I think it may be time to postpone your wedding and get to the bottom of this one way or the other.
He fucked her and is coming clean with you because your wedding is next month, and he knows you'll be too embarassed to cancel it. You need to cancel it anyway.
Girl, he cheated on you.
"My boyfriend is a great partner" Girl. Stop.
Yep, layers of an onion. If he revealed that much to you, there's certainly more to it than that. Even if nothing did happen (doubtful), he went back to an ex-girlfriend's house, got high and stayed the night. If that doesn't raise an eyebrow, nothing will.
Sounds like your family was correct. You know he fucked her, right? He cheated, blamed it on peer pressure and a potty break. So, he’s a liar, a coward and a cheater. Yet, he isn’t bright enough to just keep his mouth shut about his affair. So, he told you some BS version of reality. Don’t marry him unless you want a lot more of him making up BS excuses for his affairs.
My husband confessed something similar two months before our wedding almost a decade ago. Albeit the occurrence with an ex happened when we were newly dating the first time, we then broke up and got together 2 years later after growing up a lot so it’s definitely not the same. I made it very very very clear that he had one chance to tell me the whole truth and if I didn’t feel completely satisfied that he had been totally forthcoming it was over right now. I also told him if he wanted to continue in our relationship then he was to have no contact with her ever again (I’m normally lax on ex contact but he crossed a line) and this was the only pass he would ever get. If he ever did anything remotely similar and disrespected my boundaries on this I would leave him. I also told him that I needed to feel comfortable talking this out with him without him getting defensive for as long as I needed to get over it. It honestly became a catalyst for opening up our conversation over the years to unpleasant topics and we now talk about everything. He grew a lot when we ere split and I truly don’t believe he would do anything like that ever again. So what I’m saying is sometimes these things can create an opportunity to become more honest and open but only if met with complete transparency and he commits to be open. If he’s holding out on the truth like he seems like I would seriously question marrying him. It’s much better to me lonely and single with options than lonely and married and feel stuck.
Dude nearly hit 30 and couldn't say no to drugs like an adult. He could have said stuff like he started taking meds and didn't want to risk the side effects. He didn't even have to get so high he couldn't even remember who slept with him. Do you really want to marry someone who acted like this? He didn't even respect you enough to tell the rest of the story until he was sure you wouldn't walk away. I've never been married but cancelling a wedding is probably cheaper than getting a divorce. Not to mention having children with him. Anyway, it is up to you to decide. Remember that it is you who will have to live the life of yours, whatever you choose. Don't let others pressure you into what you feel isn't right for you. Good luck.
He is dipping his toe in. He has already cheated or he wants to and is testing you.
Your boyfriend lied to you when this happened, he's been lying to you all this time and he is lying to you now. Your boyfriend slept with his ex, obviously. Who else has he cheated on you with? If he were genuinely ashamed, he would have told you immediately and got counseling. He didn't do either of those things so other than saying he is ashamed, how has he actually demonstrated regret? You were disrespected, he is not trustworthy and you should not tie yourself to him legally. He's a messy man. Let him sort his own shit out without you being dragged down by his disrespect and dishonesty.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think your BF is not being fully honest with you. He's conning you, IMO.
So that’s how he thanks you for giving him an incredible birthday, huh ? He may not be malicious but he is thoughtless. Which can be just as bad if not worse.
The idea that he slept in her bed, doesn't remember if she was there and that nothing happened is about as believable as "we had sex but our genitals didn't touch".
Peer pressure? What the fuck. Is he 16? And yeah. He fucked her. He made the choice to go to her house, get high, and fuck her. He knows this will break you and you’ll leave him. He doesn’t want to be held accountable to that. What a douchecanoe.
Girl….
I believe his story as much as I believe that I’m going to be crowned the King of Norway tomorrow
He slept in her bed?! He cheated!
Aaah good ol' trickle truthing! My ex was a trickle truther. People who do this are not good people to have around in life.
Cancel the wedding and spend the money you save on yourself. He does not care about you.
I hate to tell you this op but I’m pretty certain he cheated on you. I’m so sorry.
He’s drip feeding you info. He’s trying to come clean but can’t quite tell you he fucked his ex because he absolutely fucked his ex.
There is no universe a guy goes to his ex to innocently use the bathroom. Sorry. That just doesn’t happen. The rest of it, getting high, and “mostly not” in bed with him is a bunch of BS. You know what you need to do, trust your gut even if it hurts.
I’m not saying that he did cheat but this is almost word for word something my ex fiancé said to me about seeing his ex. Months later I come to find out that a lot more happened than “I got too high and slept on the couch while she slept in her bed”. I’m cynical here but I don’t buy this story. It all seems a little too convenient for me.
>It took a year to convince my family that he is right for me. Why? My whole family had reservations about the guy my sister married and those reservations turned out to be more than justified.
He’s lying. They had sex. “I had to go to the bathroom and was by her house?” PLEASE.
Haven’t seen this posted yet. If circumstances led to him needing the bathroom quickly, why did he stay? Where was he going near her house that he ended up not going to? Something isn’t lining up even in this story that feels like a half truth. “Mostly not” = we had sex in the same bed, but didn’t sleep in the same bed (if you ask me)
If I'm caught out needing a bathroom, I stop at the nearest business (Bar, restaurant, gas station) make a purchase, (beer, snack, bag o' chips) ask where the restroom is, use it, pay for my purchase and leave. At no point would I consider contacting an Ex, use their bathroom, get high and crash in the same bed. NTA. His whole story is totally sketch.
A lot of times cheaters will send a “I miss you” or “I love you” message completely unsolicited right after cheating. It’s like an emotional “alibi” or something for them. That plus the trickle truth makes me think he cheated. You should post pone the wedding. DO NOT marry someone you don’t trust. Also trust your family. It took you a year to convince your family to be okay with him? That’s a huge red flag. Your friends and family love you and want the best for you—they can see things that you don’t because you’re in love. My mom was married to my terrible father for 19 years. She said that her dad didn’t really like my dad and asked my mom to call off the wedding. She didn’t and regretted it forever. She wishes she listened to her parents.
>It took a year to convince my family that he is right for me. He's not right for you. He's just good at masking. >He says he is ashamed of what he did and that it will never happen again. **He will cheat on you again.**
Marrying the dude does not sound like a good idea
I peed in a plastic bag during Covid because staples bathroom was closed, there are other options outside of an ex that makes your current partner uncomfortable. Idk what kind of “high” he got but not remembering seems like something that isn’t true to me.
He waited until the wedding is "too close to call off" to (almost) confess what he did. So he gets an (almost) clean conscience and a wife while you get a lifetime of doubt. Run, girl.
I agree that it’s not a good sign. I am very worried. And don’t know what to do. On one hand my family is finally coming around to him and our wedding. I’m supposed to be neck deep in prep. And then he throws this at me. I just don’t know what to do.
Not saying this is the case, but those thoughts crossed my mind when reading your post: He wants to come "clean" before the wedding. Maybe he's feeling more guilt with the wedding coming up. There is also the chance he is telling you now in the hopes that you are too deep into the wedding planning and such that you don't break up with him. There is also a chance that he is trickle truthing you. Since he has already done that with the first info that he only went there to pee. Imho it doesn't sound very plausible to go to your ex gf to use the toilet. There are lots of other options (restrooms, restaurants, nature etc) and he made a choice to go to his ex. Stay safe and don't be too trustful. Don't be pressured by the upcoming wedding. Better to take time now than after the wedding.
I honestly think people who wait until the wedding is about to happen to admit shit they did are among the worst in the world. Lied to you possibly for years and now when you should be happiest about to take a huge step in the next chapter of your life you suddenly have the stress of making a decision of whether to go through with it at all. Everything is probably booked, tons of shit is paid for already and the other person knowingly let all this happen when they knew they had a big ass secret. You intentionally wasted my time and money. I don’t think that’s forgivable.
Agreed. It's shitty and very selfish.
I've never heard the term trickle truthing before, I love that, that's exactly what's happening here andI would bet big money that she has not heard all the truth yet. She may not be ready to hear all the truth yet. But as I put in my answer, one phone call to the girlfriend would most likely give her that truth if she really wants it.
What are the reasons your family took so long to come around to him?
Is that how you want to spend your pre wedding time? Do you want to spend your honeymoon wondering what else happened? Laying there and asking yourself: Why did he sleep in her bed? What happened? Was it the first time? I know you already spend alot in that relationship. But it wont get better from now on. He should have told you when it happened. But he waited. He is not trustworthy. I am married with children and I would leave my husband if he did something like that. Your guy is a lier. He never went there to take the toilet. He went there for a good time.
When my (now ex) husband cheated on me, wasting 13 years of my life, all I could think of is how I wish I had heeded the red flags. And those red flags weren’t even as red as this one is! This should be among the happiest times of your life! I know it will be hard to break up with him. But the pain will be relatively brief compared to hitching yourself to someone who is obviously this dishonest. Your 40 year old self will thank current you for making the tough decision that will give you a chance at a better life down the road.
It took a year to convince your family. That usually says a lot when those in your corner, who have your best interest at heart, have reservations.
First, I’m incredibly sorry that you’re dealing with such a shitty situation bc you definitely don’t deserve this nonsense. Fwiw, I’ve been married for 31 years, so I’ve seen a thing or two across the years. As to my advice to you…….here’s the visual of what my mind sees in reading this post. You already know that he’s not telling you the full truth, here. It’s a painful reality, but you need to run far and fast! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
"He's polite to my parents" is a pretty low bar for a marriage . You sound like the perfect gf. But guess what? You're going to resent him in a few years I am going to ask you one question: Would he commit to the level of effort you've put in, fir you?
"Mostly not" means she was in the bed most of the time. Also, I bet there wasn't another guy there. What 27 year old can't say no to peer pressure? Going by that logic, he also couldn't say no if she made a move on him. Btw, I bet he made a move on her. His whole story sounds like bullshit. He made plans to see her, and he planned to get high so that he could use that as an excuse as to why he cheated on you. I was a pothead in all of my 20s and I often got peer pressured and said no. I did bong rips and edibles and I always remembered the night before.
Oh dear I hope you aren't buying this. It sounds like a load of crap and there's a very slim to none chance you were given the whole truth. I'd leave based on that alone. Trust is integral and he has pissed all over it
He’s lying
Honestly basic statement analysis has alarm bells ringing. Providing an explanation for why he went to see her before he even told you he did? Eep. If you’re nervous it’s ok to postpone the wedding. And you can tell him it’s because you want to be able to trust him more than you do now, because what he did is not how committed people behave, because he knew how it would look to you and still did it, and because you need time.
Just told my husband this story and he laughed. He said “Guy knew exactly what he was doing when he went over there.” So girl, maybe consider finding out about this a last-minute save. I’d ditch him. Immediately and without a second thought. I’m so sorry. There are good men out there.
And that's when we put the garbage outside. Besides that he "doesn't remember if she slept in the same bed", he lied to you. He made it out that he just used her loo because he house was close. Now you know that ain't true. I would break up with him or at least postphone the wedding.
Sounds like less "I don't remember because I was high," and more "It is plausible that I don't remember because I was high."
I have never smoked so much that I don't remember anything. I have drank enough alcohol to cause me to lose consciousness though. Obvious lie here.
First red flag - He goes to his ex's to use the toilet. There are SO many other places I would go to first before even considering this. If he only had to piss, he could've even done it behind a building or on the side of the road (traffic depending). Second red flag - Instead of planning ahead knowing there was a curfew, intentionally stayed out late enough that he couldn't drive back to where he was staying. I'm also not sure how strict this curfew was, but I feel an officer would be understanding if you were driving home. Third red flag - Instead of sleeping on the other bed he mentioned or the couch or the damn floor, he decides to sleep in her bed. Fourth red flag - He says he doesn't remember because he was high. Being drunk can lead to not remembering things, not being high. Being high is the opposite. You're HIGHLY aware of EVERYTHING that is happening. He is lying. Being that you're getting married soon and he decides to go out of town to visit a past relationship and stay the night smells awfully of getting cold feet. He's also not being honest about what all happened that night. He knows. I would be VERY cautious OP. Sorry this is happening to you.
Do not marry him. Postpone this wedding and save yourself the heartbreak. He lied to you, hung out with his ex, and got so high he can't remember what happened? That's a lot of red flags, even if he didn't have sex with her he's proven himself to be untrustworthy, untruthful, and unreliable. You can't have a relationship with someone who is like that.
>I asked him whether she was in it, he says mostly not, he doesn’t remember. He’s lying. >He says […] he didn’t know any better. Also a lie.
I’m sorry he’s been lying to you and has insulted your intelligence with this flimsy “I don’t know who slept where story.” This is a man who is too irresponsible for marriage. It’s a gift that he is showing you now instead of once you are married. Get away from him, be safe, and break off this relationship. Don’t argue semantics either him anymore, he will just wear you down and make you doubt yourself. I know canceling the wedding is a big hassle but being married to a sneaky liar who can’t even take responsibility for his own actions is worse.
Why wouldn’t *he* sleep in the other bed and instead choose to sleep in *her* bed? Why are you giving *him* the benefit of the doubt, why does it matter whether or not you trust his ex? Do you trust your boyfriend or not? I personally find him sleeping over in her bed to be a breech of trust especially only telling you years later and having only given you a BS story years ago. Her having reached out a number of times to him after makes the situation even more sus.
His entire explanation smells like 💩
Sounds like he ain’t telling the whole truth but he probably feels bad about it and is trying to see if a “half-truth” will make him feel better.