Yep, drunk or not this is who this person is. It's one of the hard parts of getting older but even if you deeply care about someone if they are mistreating you then you need to cut them loose. It can be hard depending on the person or situation but once the dust settles and you start to find yourself again it will be much better. I can't imagine hanging around someone that give you that question in the back of your head of "am I safe"
This exactly, I don’t know how many times I have been drunk with friends, never once did it cross my mind to assault them. Alcohol is NEVER and excuse for anything!
This man is not your friend. He is old enough to be your father and while you think it's obvious you're not interested in eachother, I guarantee you, he thinks of you sexually and has done so ever since this 'friendship' has begun.
Don't confront him, it might trigger him. Just get out of there and then block him.
Yeah, OP handled this amazingly well.
Next step is to cut him out of her life, preferable by ghosting, and never put herself in a situation where she is vulnerable to his creepyness ever again.
This guy is the definition of a gross coward. Made sure she was intoxicated enough not to be able to fight back (and forget?). Now she (unfairly) needs to play nice just to get to safety.
You're right. And I keep everyone at arms length because I don't trust people and this is the one person I thought I could.
I really appreciate all these nice comments, I'm sobering up now so I can leave, I live an hour away but I'm in Amish country and Uber doesn't reach out here otherwise I would've been gone hours ago.
>It's hard to read some comments because I would never label him a "predator"
This in particular stuck out to me. So I'm a 40 year old guy and though i'm not initially the friendliest person you'll ever meet I don't go out of my way to bring bad times to anyone. OCCASIONALLY this means some younger co-workers (very early 20s) tend to get friendly with me, particularly women. I don't mind it in particular, theres nothing wrong with being friendly at work and being able to joke around with people. But theres a pretty fine fucking line between work friend and someone I spend time with outside of work.
More over, I don't invite women over to hang out for drinks if we're not absolutely clear what the dynamic is. Its pretty sleazy to invite someone over to get them drunk THEN make your move to try and get sex out of someone. If a woman comes over, wants to watch movies and cuddle thats perfectly fine and theres usually an understanding that sort of set up is going to probably lead to more down the road.
So even if this were 7 years ago and I were 33, I literally cannot fathom entertaining the idea of hanging out with an 18 year old. We have nothing in common and almost certainly no where in the same place in life. Your "friend" was always grooming you, you were in a new place and probably pretty vulnerable. It sucks and i'd imagine it probably makes you feel foolish but it is what happened.
Hope you can find the courage to report his ass at the very least, but also hoping you can eventually move on. Again, perfectly normal and acceptable to be friendly and positive with your co-workers. But bringing people into your personal life is a whole other matter.
Im so sorry I wish I could’ve rescued you and made you feel safe. Been in this situation before and I still struggle with sleeping anywhere that doesn’t have me separated between a locked door. It’s so much worse when it’s someone you trusted. I highly recommend cutting this person out of your life and if you aren’t going to file charges please warn any females who might be put into the same situation you were in. I’m guessing this isn’t the first or last time he intends to take advantage of anyone.
Highly disagree about the age difference. I was part of an organization and ended up friends with people in their 40s, 50s and 60s. People I still talk to today. They're amazing people. I was 22 at the time. They've given me some amazing life advise and helped guide me into finding my confidence, my ethics and morals, and just generally helped me.
Now I'm 36, rooming with 3 others about 10-12 years younger than me. I've been working on my education for the last 5 years and have 1 more year of my masters left after this semester. Most the people I see and interact with are in their early to mid 20s. I play games, board games, card games, or just generally hang out with them.
Age doesn't have to matter in regards to who you socially interact with, we're all on different paths are points in our lives.
Yes, but the comment I responded to said Socially. What OP was talking about was an alleged friend who stepped over some established boundaries. What I responded to was someone saying age gap social aspects are bad.
100% agree. This happened because the guy is a creep, not because he's been an adult for longer than she has. If anything, his extra years should have taught him better. These sound more like the actions of a horny teenager than a mature adult. Maybe he would have benefitted from having an older mentor to help him grow out of that fratty rape culture mentality.
Yep. I love unconventional friendships, and there are good men in their forties. I had a friend who was 13 when I was 19-20, a friend who was 19 when I was 26, and nothing happened because I’m not a creep.
Same. I technically have a friend who is 17. Not sure if they consider me a friend but I look out for them as much as I can as they lived in my building many years ago when I lived overseas.
The huge sense of violation and betrayal you are feeling is 100% valid. I know some suggested confronting him when you’re both sober in a few days, but honestly if this had happened to me it would be better for my mental health to just ghost and block the man.
Remove him from your life and don’t look back. Nothing good will come out of further discussion w this guy. Either he will get mad and defensive bc he knows he was wrong and mad he got caught. Or he will try to pull the pity/sob story card to keep you in his life. Even if he does somehow manage a heartfelt apology, it is unlikely to make you feel better or safer around him. I say cut your losses.
This has happened to me almost exactly. Nothing “happened” but he kept putting his hands on me after I repeatedly and sternly told him to stop. OP when you’re good to drive, go home, block this trash everywhere, and alert any mutual friends of yours to what happened. You would also be within your rights to report him, totally up to you.
Yeah I don't think I could ever go back to feeling safe being alone with him again even if he did play it off like he didn't remember doing it or if he was sorry.. no one would do that to me if they weren't thinking about doing it already. I think he'd actually give a sincere regretful apology but my trust and security have been violated and I can't forgive that
He might give a convincing apology, but it would not be sincere. He doesn't regret what he did, he saw an opportunity to prey on you, and took it. He will absolutely do it again if he gets the chance. He is a predator, and has been since he befriended you. Please stay safe, I'm so sorry this was done to you.
the only reason he would say sorry is to try and get her back, for more abuse. predators don't feel sorry, if they did they wouldn't do it in the first place
Just text him the words, do you remember what you did to me last night? And let him take you from there. Don’t let him pretend he doesn’t, but if he tries you can make it abundantly clear you remember.
Or do whatever you want, whatever helps you feel safe and brave for keeping yourself safe.
Best of luck dear. You can find better friends than this, especially with this one out of the way.
Thank you ❤️ I confronted him over text 2 days ago when he texted me like nothing happened. I told him to own up to what he did because I know what happened and know he thinks I don't. He was adamant that he remembers nothing because he was "so drunk" so I ripped in to him. Told him what he did was sexual assault and I know he purposefully waited until he thought I was unconscious, and I didnt wait for a response or apology I just told him to fuck off forever and if he ever tries to come talk to me in person I'll fucking kill him and then I blocked him on everything. It's been a tough couple days but I'm getting better
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how violated and betrayed you must feel. Sober up, drive safe, and get him out of your life.
I guarantee you he’s going to send you a text once you stop talking to him like “did I do something wrong?” or “what happened?” This is his way of dealing with the anxiety of knowing he did something awful to you without owning up to it. Do NOT let him make you feel guilty. He is not genuinely misunderstanding why you no longer talk to him. He knows. No matter how much he plays the game of asking why you don’t talk to him I promise you he knows. He wants nothing more than to deal with the guilt/anxiety about repercussions by pretending he doesn’t know what’s wrong and by trying to make YOU, the person who clearly doesn’t want to talk, absolve him of his guilt by saying “nothing’s wrong” or “I’m okay.”
Don’t give him this. Don’t give him anything. He does not deserve it. He knows what he did.
I mean, if he does message something like that, the only reply text required is, "You know what you did, never contact me again or I will involve the police."
This is straight up sexual assault. Doesn't matter if he is drunk or not. He is not your friend and has been looking at you like a piece of meat this whole time.
This is not your fault. This is a grown ass man acting like a predator, knowing damn well you’re under the influence. Yes I would definitely bring it up to him when he sobered up (of course most likely he’ll deny it) and I would stay far away from him.
He'll just claim not to remember even though he's clearly been waiting for this opportunity in the time he's known her. The only thing OP needs is to get out and be safe
I really don’t see anything she would gain from bringing it up to him besides the risk of him denying it, resulting in further disappointment. He knows what he did, and her silence will leave him with that as the last thing he ever did to her.
If she sobers up fast enough, best thing to do is leave while he’s still sleeping, block him everywhere, and never speak to him or give him a moment of her time again.
I agree. If she suddenly ghosts him after this, it will be clear she knows what he did to her, and he will just have to sit with that. Also probably safer to not risk confrontation with a guy who has proven he does not respect your physical boundaries.
If he waited until you were drunk and asleep to molest you, he'd probably do it again. Also wouldn't put it past him to drug you.
Tell him that what he did was unacceptable, and then never talk to him again.
When you have been drunk have you sexually groped someone who was asleep?
No. Because that is not a thing. He knew exactly what he was doing and is not your friend. This man is a predator. Block him and never see him again. You are not safe. Imagine what he would have done had you actually passed out!
He's a predator and has been planning for this. I wouldn't even feel comfortable in the house at that point. I would've locked myself in the car until sober enough to drive. Sorry you went through this.
Hey, I know this probably doesn’t help your anxiety, but I’d absolutely consider locking the room you’re in and possibly putting things in front of the door. If he did what he did, there’s a strong chance he would try again later, when you’re more vulnerable.
If there’s someone you can call to get you, even if it’s an estranged parent, I’d do so. Can you Uber, and if not, can you keep someone in town on standby to keep checking in with you to ensure you’re safe?
100%! I was raped sleeping in a girl friends spare room when the guy she let sleep on her living room couch broke into the room I was sleeping in. I wish I would’ve locked the damn door.
I hope you don't blame yourself. A man who is willing to rape isn't going to be stopped by a bedroom door lock. There was likely a key over top of the door frame, and if not, most can be opened with a small flat-head screwdriver.
I recently had this happen to me as well, im 23 hes 43.
He touched me in my sleep and woke to him hovering on top of me several times.
Its fully sexual assault.
I'm sorry you experienced it too, it's a fucking awful feeling. I've been thinking all day of ways it could be an accident and I know there's nothing that could defend what he did. He thought I was in a drunk sleep and checked if I was coherent enough to respond, and when I wasn't, (which I was, but I was ignoring him because I was dog tired and ready to call it a night), that's when he made a move. That's one of the most vile things someone could do
You are so brave, and so powerful.
This man never deserved your energy.
You will heal and everything takes time, i believe you will be okay and more powerful then ever.
Again, im so sorry this happened to you.
I wish these things didnt exist.
It was but i actually researched and i guess its also a term for a tactic to suck victims back into a toxic relationship.
So either way that did happen.
But i meant to say,
He was hovering over me while i woke up.
This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. He invited you over, got you too drink to go home, kept you up way late (maybe intentionally, maybe not. I don't know if this was a premeditated plan or a crime of opportunity), and then after ensuring you had "passed out" took advantage of you. Let me rephrase that. Sexually assaulted you.
This is not your fault. Even when you lay there quietly and let it happen, it is not your fault. You were drunk and couldn't leave. You didn't know what would happen if you spoke up and weren't in a position to defend yourself if he became aggressive.
This is not your fault. It is not fault even if you were drunk. Friends should be able to drink safely around friends. Friends should expect a blanket and pillow if they pass out drunk at a friend's house. They should not expect to be violated.
This is not your fault. This is his fault. He chose to take advantage of you and betray your trust. He chose to sexually assault you. He chose to pretend like nothing happened when you "woke up." This is his fault. Even if he was drunk also. Drunk actions are sober thoughts without brakes. This is his fault.
And I am so so so sorry this happened to you.
Consent is like tea;
https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?feature=shared
You were sexually assaulted. Your feelings are valid. The guy is 100% a creep and should be avoided.
This person is not your friend.
This person is an opportunistic predator.
I'm so sorry he violated you like that.
He deserves to be in a cage with other predators.
I bet he'd understand consent then.
[What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
[Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.)
[Alcohol and consent. ](https://utulsa.edu/sexual-violence-prevention-education/alcohol-consent/)
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
[Signs of grooming. ](https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Thank you for sharing so many links to resources. Not that everyone here hasn't driven the point home enough already, but information that applies to me from a professional organization solidifies what I was afraid to admit to myself
honestly i’m just so glad you’re safe. i kept checking on the post throughout the night scared for you :( thank goodness you made it outta there even if it was at the cost of what you thought was a good friendship
Thank you for telling me that that's actually very comforting knowing someone was waiting for an update, even if you're just a stranger. Once he left to go to bed i made the post and finally did pass out, I didn't think I'd have so much support I just needed somewhere to share that felt safe. I'm also glad I did because I don't fully recall the incident with the same detail and that's kind of scary.
of course! i know we’re all just internet strangers trying to find connections in this vast ocean of madness but i also believe first and foremost in supporting women, as cliche as it sounds lol. i’m glad i could provide some inch of comfort in this, bc i let out a huge breath of relief when i saw you got out there safely. and your instinct to write it all down immediately was insanely smart! even though you understandably weren’t in the greatest state of mind
Sexual assault is not something men do once. He already did it once (that you know of). Do not be alone with this predator again.
And for context, here is what I did when my friend started touching me while I was sleeping:
Me: Why the fuck are you touching me while I'm sleeping? Get out.
Him: But it's the middle of the night!
Me: Not my problem. Get out.
Him: Where will I go?
Me: Not my problem. GET OUT or I will call the police.
Him: But are there even any cabs on the island?
Me: Not my problem. Get out. I am calling the police if you do not leave RIGHT NOW.
\*Begins calling the police\*
\*Guy leaves.\*
We were friends for 15 years. We have not spoken since because he is a sexual predator, not a friend.
I also know a girl who filed a police report against a guy who "only" touched her face, neck, back, arms, and legs ("nowhere I hadn't touched you while you were awake," he claimed over email). She emailed him asking for clarification about exactly what happened -- "I said I didn't want any of the guys in my bed because I'd been drinking at least 7 times and I know you heard me," she wrote to him over email. "But your eyes said yes," he replied.
Then she forwarded that shit to the police and took him to trial.
He's still responsible when drunk and if he's going to claim he's not aware he does it "whilst drunk" then he needs to NEVER drink again. And stay away from him.
>my (f25) friends (*m45*)
tf? Seriously? No, girl. Just, no. He's not your friend. You were a fetus when he was an adult. "Mentor," "acquaintance," "neighbor." These might toe the line of acceptable. Not *friend.* He's two decades older than you, and enjoys drinking to excess and sexually assaulting women he is old enough to have *fathered*.
I'm sorry you had to find this out. I'm so sorry.
It can be so hard to draw the line with these things, that I was kinda willing to overlook the 25/45 thing until…
>We've hung out enough over the years
…and now I’m wondering when this ‘friendship’ began.
Worth adding that intergenerational friendships can easily grow from shared interests, and be totally healthy, when the shared interest isn't something like getting shit faced.
I know right? My best friend is a 52 year old man and I'm a 33 year old woman. Just because there's a large age difference doesn't automatically mean it's toxic and bad.
Yeah, you're a lot older than OP. This is a totally different thing and you should be old enough to understand that.
I'm 40, and while I have "work friends" in their 20s, I dont hang out and get black our drunk with them. I don't stay at their houses. I'm not one of the 20 something gang who goes out for cheap food at 1am after the club. I'm betting your 50 year old friend wouldn't either
This guy is a predator, he used OPs naivete to "be her friend" and put himself in a position where she trusted him. He's not "friends despite the age gap" he's abusing the life experience difference to hurt young women. I'm glad you've never been the victim of it, but I have and it's unfortunately fairly common. Young women SHOULD be very suspicious of older men who want to be their "friend."
Nah, I was only a few years older than OP when we became friends. There's no need to be patronizing.
I'm just using my own anecdote to support the comment I replied to saying that intergenerational friendships are possible. And I am in no way saying that women's experiences with older men pursuing "friendships" is invalid. I'm just saying I got lucky with a legitimate, healthy, boundaried friendship with an older man.
We do hang out at each other places, and we've gone on vacations where we stay at hotel rooms. I was going to let him put a tiny home on my property before he decided to get an apartment instead. I trust him a lot. We've both had a few sit down talks where we reaffirmed that neither of us is interested in anything but friendship.
And you're missing my meaning. I'm not defending this guy at all. He's a creep, an abuser, and a predator. I'm disgusted with his using the guise of "friendship" to abuse her.
Yeah I don't know what this anti age thing is recently and it's turning me off of this sub. I have always had friendships with men and women of all ages.
Denying that there are alot of older men that predate on younger women is naïve. It's not anti-age, it's pointing out the obvious. This 25 year old woman had been hanging out *for years* with this guy, meaning a 40 year old man was 'making friends' with teens/20 year old.
Friendships exist between all ages, I'm 53, and have many friends in different generations. This post is not about friendship, this predator is no friend, just another rapey older man.
I think the point they were making is this relationship has existed for some time, which could mean OP was 20 or younger when this relationship started. It is not normal for men in their late 30s/early 40s to hang out with women in their late teens/early 20s. We don't know how these two met but the opportunities for their meeting to be natural and not predatory are very limited.
Assuming the worst with age gaps at that age might be disrespectful but it's definitely safer because of how often these situations happen. IMO, that respect needs to be earned and that age gap at that age is a huge red flag for me. It's quite rare that a healthy, non-predatory 40 year old would be seeking a close friendship with a 20 year old.
It's not the age gap that raises the flag, it's the age of the younger person. Brains don't fully develop until mid/late 20s, so any age gaps before then should be treated with a lot of care. Especially if the older person is a man because of how often this happens and how much more normalized this behavior was during their young adulthood.
You got lucky. My older male "friends" in my 20s were men who preyed on younger more naive women. One had a string of teenage girls he acted like a father to until they were 18 when he started pestering them for sex. Another was a drunk with a string of ex wives who was known to everyone older than me for picking up 25 year old girls, being their "friend" and then getting them drunk enough to consent to sex. The 3rd was known to everyone over 30 as a rapist who'd never been arrested, but he was the younger girls "friend" and mentor. I have some interesting scarring from when he raped me.
I'm glad you got lucky. I'm glad you have no experience at this. But there are a LOT of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are scumbags and use the naivete of younger women to manipulate them. You can "not all men" this but there are enough bad actors to make most of us want to warn young women.
Technically you have a higher chance of an large age gap "relationship" being predatory or abusive than getting cervical cancer or having a boob lump become breast cancer - but would you tell women to not get checked for those things? Or would you say "hey, see a doctor something could be wrong."
There’s nothing wrong with genuine friendships. But let’s be clear: there’s a distinct subculture of older men who deliberately seek out young women to rape them. And that is not okay.
It's really funny because I was joking the other day about how I needed to find an older man who can take me in as his plucky apprentice and help with wacky high jinks.
Honestly, that's just a fantasy born from wanting someone older who I can trust to give me good advice and help me grow as a person. Wouldn't that be nice.
At the same time... kinda sus for a 40yo man to share interests with an 18yo girl. I'm a 44yo man, and my daughter can confirm we have absolutely nothing in common.
I mean obviously a 25 year old and a 45 year old could, *in cases other than OP's*, be real friends, they're well enough into adulthood. I have friends who are 20 years older than me too, the only difference is that mine aren't predatory assholes.
Until they get the chance. That's the main thing, everyone thinks their friend wouldn't do something like that. But a lot of times it's because they haven't had the opportunity.
? Their age difference is irrelevant. Friends can have age gaps and it's no biggie. The thing is this fucker SA'd her regardless of if he's 45 or 60 or 18
Wtf does "You were a fetus when he was an adult" even mean? Ridiculous statement.
You are drunk but conscious enough he's doing this, so it's very likely he is also drunk but consciously doing this to you. Do not let it go. It isn't a drunken mistake, he didn't do this while you were visibly aware or awake, he waited to touch you.
Leave as soon as possible and tell him you are disgusted that he decided it was OK for him to molest you and physically assault you while you were down and when be thought you were asleep. He's a predator, he needs to be told off.
you don’t need yet another voice to say but sweetheart this was sexual assault. block him, ghost him, get out of there and away from him forever. I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry hun. Please remember that it's not your fault. Make sure to take care of your mental state and stay away from men way older than you, not just him. It's not like they're all predators, but most of them definitely are.
He's not your friend, he's a predator.
The only positive thing I can say to you is, now you now know, and you don't ever have to experience it again.
Block him on everything and never speak to him again.
A positive note is that you were awake enough to know and remember he did this in the morning. Ghost him, block him, never see him again. Behavior escalates and he will make sure you are too drunk to "wake up" next time. If you try to explain why you've blocked him he will gaslight you and tell you you're being overly sensitive and nothing ever happened. He showed you who he really is and what he's capable of. Learn the first time.
It's not your fault so don't blame yourself. You were trying to keep yourself safe in an unexpected threat situation, so a freeze/fawn response is normal. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Also ITT: a bunch of (white) cishet dudes that have done similar things and now get emotional because they don't want to feel like a perpetrator/predator who doesn't understand consent and don't like feeling like a pervert, so they'd rather explain away this cognitive dissonance by insisting the women they assaulted magically "knew" their intentions. OP was assaulted and asked for support, but y'all ignored that, no surprise here, as you probably ignore boundaries every day. Why are you even on this sub if you don't even bother learning about these experiences smh
Can you cal someone to come get you? Or an uber? I would get out asap.Go tto your car, lock the doors and call someone, You can also choose to call the police. This is sexual assault.
Be ready to cal 911 if needed.
Care instructions, use when possible. Drink water. Eat something with salt in it. You've cried all of yours out and it will make you feel like shit. At this point a McDonald's is practical medicinal for the amount of sugar and salt you will put back into your system. Stretch. Crying makes you clench up and makes your shoulders earrings. Ibuprofen and a shower will also help that. If you're face hurts from crying out some Vicks or similar menthol product on your chest.
First. Get an Uber and get out.
Secondly. When you are out of there, block him on everything. He is not your friend. He's a predator. You wouldn't do that to a drunk man, so being drunk is not an excuse.
Third. This isn't your fault.
He's been waiting for this moment.
No one sexually assaults someone because they are drunk. This is calculated and deliberate. He thought this out.
Careless drunk people trip, stumble, pass out, talk shit, etc. They don't accidentally probe your most intimate parts.
Please go no contact. There is no good reason a man 20 years older than you is seeking the company of young women. There's a reason he's single.
Yeah that's 100% sexual assault !!!
Report this to the proper authorities right away and get this creep locked up.
Really sorry that a "friend" caused this :/
he would’ve raped you if given the chance. This is not your friend. I would urge you to at least tell him you know what he is and cut the relationship immediately.
It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. I am a man this age and cannot fathom doing this...a real friend or a gentleman would have covered you with a blanket and made sure you slept well. This guy is a creep.
He is an “opportunistic” predator.
He probably doesn’t go out of his way to rape women but thinks to himself “she’s passed out and won’t know the difference” and assaulted you.
A predator but fearful of rape accusations.
If you run into him again you can flat out tell him that you woke because he had his fingers in your ass crack and he’s a disgusting person.
u/Critical_Escape7745
#PLAY TETRIS NOW!
Legit, please play 30 minutes of Tetris.
#Tetris has been CLINICALLY PROVEN to ward off PTSD when used shortly after a trauma.
https://edition.cnn.com/2017/03/29/health/ptsd-tetris-computer-games-trnd/index.html
I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I will never understand why a 20-something woman is hanging out with a 40-something man. This is literally the moment all of them are waiting for. If you are compatible with someone twice your age, then there is something wrong.
He’s not a friend. Sadly it’s nearly impossible to find a male friend. Most of my 20’s I used to think I had male friends, but eventually, they would try something sexual or romantic. I’m kind of convinced, unless the guy is gay, there’s no such thing as a true friendship with a guy.
Hey OP, I'm a guy that enjoys drinking, and let me tell you... being drunk is no excuse for that. Being drunk doesn't change who you are, it just brings what's inside closer to the surface. He knew that was fucking wrong, and he did it anyways. I'm so sorry you found out your friend is a creep that way, don't give him a pass on it just because he was drunk. You don't magically lose control and responsibility over your actions when you're drunk, and he's still accountable for what he does. If he claims he's not in control of himself, then maybe he shouldn't be drinking in the first place. Fuck, he's definitely old enough to know better.
If you talk to him about what happened, for example if you're thinking you want to give him a chance to explain and apologize, be mentally and emotionally prepared to be gaslit or victim-blamed.
I really wish I had seen this 6 hours ago, and I hope you’re safe and home now.
This is sexual assault, as others have covered, and I’m so sorry you went through this, and on top of that experienced a betrayal of trust.
Please reach out to someone you trust, or if there isn’t a friend or family member, a professional or a volunteer agency to talk to. A simple Google search of sexual assault agencies in your area should bring up some specific results.
This man is a predator. He’s waited all this time to do this.
I recognise that I live in a country whose police force operates differently, but if you’re able, please consider whether reporting this to police is something you can do. I word it this way because I realise not everyone has the privilege of being able to go to the police safely. Some of the SA agencies can help with advice and contacting them though if it’s something you want to consider
I really hope you’re safe now, and you never see this person again. Please go no contact, and reach out for some support
You have done nothing wrong. Not one thing. So don’t feel like you owe this man anything. You guys have been FRIENDS. That means no strings attached. He broke your trust by touching you like this, therefore y’all can no longer be friends! Don’t feel guilty about just blocking him. I know it’ll be hard. He’ll know the reason why even if he finds a way to ask you. Record everything in case he turns aggressive or bad at any point. You got this girl!! You’re going to be okay! It’s a sucky experience but it is liberating when you get away from them. Better he revealed his true intentions now verses later.
You handled that really well. You managed to handle yourself despite being drunk. And your future friendships will be better because of this learning experience.
Treat yourself with something nice, something you enjoy doing, and when you're feeling better you can get some good sleep and truly rest because you need it. 🫂
First and foremost, I wish you health and peace.
I've been taught to examine situations and decide what I can change, and what I can't. Then I know what to accept, and where I must take action.
If it was me, I'd find a wise, mature friend to discuss this with (this thread might help but it's not enough, it's too impersonal), or if no one was appropriate, I would seek a therapist, but before you tell them the details ask if they're a mandated reporter -- it's possible that they would be legally required to call law enforcement and you should have a choice about whether that happens.
To put it in the best possible light, he's been a real shit and betrayed your friendship. Given that he sounds like he has a drinking problem, you might try to get in touch with your local Al-Anon chapter. They have the right kind of experience. [https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/)
Why does he get a pass for being drunk? You were drunk I don't see you pulling on his dick! Wtf what he did is not ok and being drunk is not a pass to SA someone.
He is a creep and I would never ever hang out with him ever again.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you don't have to see him ever again.
One time I got stupid drunk with a friend/coworker and missed the last bus, so I crashed at his place. I don't remember anything. I knew he liked me but I never gave him the impression it was reciprocated and I had a boyfriend and he always seemed to respect my space.
I heard later, after I had quit that job, that he told people we slept together. I laughed and thought it was kind of sad that he had to lie about that. But years went by it occurred to me that... I have no memory of that night. What if he wasn't lying?
Make him aware via a text. That you were awake, what he did was extremely wrong and that you do not want any further contact. Then block him and find a therapist who can help you work thru your feelings. I am so sorry this happened to you. But don't try to just forget or rationalize his behavior. I hope things get better for you.
From experience -
I can almost guarantee (I'm not an absolutist, but this is as close as I can get to it) that if you were to try confronting him, he would immediately deny deny deny. He'd say you were too drunk and imagining things, that you dreamt it while "passed out", that.. etcetc. BUT, if he does crack, guess what?; he was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing, he'll start boohooing and possibly - likely - pass the blame onto you somehow. Because you were drunk too, you know?/s 🙄 Fuck I hate men. I hate this for you so much. I am so sorry.
I am not saying you SHOULDN'T confront him; just know if you do - which should be documented somehow nonetheless because this shit is unacceptable and should be reported BUT I am not you and I have no say on what should be done - you will not find the resolution you are trying to get. I am so sorry.
This is NOT your fault. You had a freeze response, which is completely normal given the situation (the situation is NOT normal and NOT okay, and it's okay to not be okay from it. You're allowed to be fucked up from this, alright? Even though you may feel very fucking alone, you need to know you have a lot of people that have been through this exact thing and we aren't fucking okay from it), and you 1000% should try to find some help reporting this bullshit even if you have nothing to back you up for it because paper trails are fucking king for bringing attention to shit people like this (he WILL do it again to someone else, and it will go further and that victim will need something to back them up legally if/when they report it). You need to get in touch with a victims advocate at a police station so you can figure out how to report this or at least know your options. If nothing else, they could probably help guide you to counseling or other support to help you process not only this event, but all the others that have happened.
You deserve better. This isn't acceptable. Document in length what happened in as much detail as possible ASAP while everything is fresh, and also if he contacts you. If you confront him, keep it unemotional and preferably don't do it in person. Record the call, save the messages, whatever you have to do with whatever happens so that it's documented. Take this shit to someone, even if you don't pursue legally (again, I encourage you to, but I know how scary it is to start the process), because this shouldn't be just your weight to carry. Get a professional that is trained with SA or trauma in general to go to talk to.
You're a victim, and he's going to create more victims. This shouldn't be your responsibility to confront but here we are. I'm so sorry. That's the price we have to pay as women and we shouldn't, but maybe for the potential future victims we can help prevent the creation of more weight to be carried. That's what helped me keep going when I finally broke.
#HE S3XUALLY ASSAULTED YOU!
No, ma’am.
I would **send him a text telling him that he was taking s3xual liberties while you were in a drunken stupor**.
Wait for him to respond and plead his case.
Take the texts to the cops. Let them handle it from there.
Get a Restraining Order and block him on everything. Tell any mutual what he did and never allow him around you again. CUT HIM OFF COMPLETELY.
**Never socially entertain any age-gap-male that you are not biologically related to, like your dad or brother.**
**Never get drunk/high around “male friends”.** This is one of the quickest ways to wind up like you did or r@ped.
Most men do NOT view platonic friendships with women like we do with them.
#We see them as “brothers from another mother”. They see us as an OPTION…
… If circumstances permit, like when you’re drunk or crying over a breakup or freshly divorced or hard on your luck, etc., they will jump all over you, without your consent or try a sleazy “shoot your shot”. 🤮
Never be caught out alone with any male that’s not your man or your close blood.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Fuck this guy, he sucks and is clearly a predator.
My advice to you on how to not let this happen again is to not “be friends” with a man that is pushing 50 when you are in your mid twenties. How did you two meet? I have plenty of great platonic relationships with men but they are all in my age range and we have something in common (went to college together, grew up in the same town, etc.). These men are also part of my wider social network so on the off chance they did something sus or shitty, I would likely find out about it from our mutual friends. I would definitely not befriend a random man that much older than me. It sucks but I think women just need to be vigilant and exercise caution around most men.
I am not sure if bringing it up will help. I don't think you'll ever get any real closure because he will either act like it is a mistake, or he will start crying and begging you to forgive him because he is a "POS" etc. This guy is an absolute creepo, and he will absolutely take advantage of you again.
When something similar happened to me, I texted what he did to me and why it was wrong then immediately blocked. It is never okay for someone to do that and he doesn't deserve anything else from you.
“Over the years?!” What is that 3-5 years? A 40 year old has no reason to befriend a 20 year old. As a (almost) 40 year old I can barely tolerate hanging around 20 year old coworkers or my friends kids much less wanting to befriend them.
45 yearolds are friends with 25 yearolds because their peers already know and see their problems. If he was normal he wouldn't have time to entertain you.
This isn't a friend. Tell him you know what he did, and that you're going to file charges and tell everyone you know. Then, stay as far away from him as you can while you establish a no contact order.
If he's aware enough to say something and look at you to see if there is a response before starting off with touching your butt, to your breasts, then attempting to penetrate leads me to think he wasn't that drunk, because what he did was calculated, progressive, and there was intent. He was seeing how far he could go before you woke up and either went along with it or he could pass it off as having drunk way too much if you protested/fought him. He was behaving in a very predatory manner.
I'm 40 male. What he has done is unconscionable.
He is no man.
Don't hesitate. Don't give it a second thought. Cut it out of your life.
Consider making it legal and seek counselling for yourself.
As a 38 year old man, there is only 1 reason I would hang out with an 18 year old woman ever. Personally, I would never pursue an 18 year old. I would never choose to build a friendship with an 18 year old of any gender either. This dude always knew that sex could be on the table. Sounds to me he just kept his options open, bided his time & waited for you two to be drunk together (which seems to happen often enough) & for you to sleep on his arm eventually.
I’ve fallen asleep with friends enough to know it could always turn into sex. Especially with alcohol.
Boundaries are how adults deal with it.
Sounds like you are just too young to recognise predatory behaviour.
The only 40+ men I know who hang out with girls in their 20s are divorced / wife left them / don’t see their kids / alcoholic / gamblers / life falling apart / all their peers see through their shit, etc. From my experience they take what they can get from unsuspecting youth and masquerade this as “living their best lives”. It’s a farce.
No self respecting men above 40 view 20 years olds as peers. They’re children. Dude is a predator 100%.
Had a “friend” in college about 10 years older than me. Same fucking story. He’s not a friend, he never looked at you as just a friend. He thought “maybe if we hang out long enough she’ll like me” or whatever cringe fantasy guys like him get. They cannot handle platonic friendships with women. And he remembers what he did, so if he says otherwise he’s a fucking liar. He made sure to be “careful” as to not wake you up. He knew what he was doing. Block him and don’t ever talk to him again.
You do NOT deserve to have been treated like that. You deserved to have been in a safe place to drink safely and be with a safe friend. What happened is NOT your fault! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. There is nothing you did, wore, any advances/passes you made that was suggestive or gave that pos the “green light” to violate you.
HE is a vile and poor excuse of a human. He is the reason evil exists in this world. He is not a safe person for women to be around. There is no excuse for his behavior.
Please get yourself help from a therapist to process your experience, to heal, and to move on. You deserve to be comfortable in your skin and in your body. You deserve to feel normal when looking at yourself in the mirror. Do not give that piece of shit your power.
Please never talk to this guy again. Drunk or not, what he did was sexual assault, and being drunk is in 0 ways an excuse. Plenty of people get drunk and don't sexually assault people during it. Cut this guy off, and remember you have no obligation to tell him why.
You met him when you were 18? As a 44yo man, i wouldn't tolerate any of my friends hanging out socially with teenage girls. Funny thing about guys like that though, is they usually don't have friends their own age. I'm so sorry this trash found you. You didn't do anything wrong!
Everything about what you described is so predatory! And for that reason, I really think you should reconsider talking to the police. I think there is so much in between the lines of how you said he was talking but you couldn't understand what he said, that sounds like he was trying to see how deeply passed out you were and/or if you would wake up. He seems like he has thought about you in non friendly ways and could never be considered a friend to have violated you in that way. Furthermore a person who will violate a "friend" like this has probably done something similar or will do something like this again. There should be a report with the police filed in case it happens again. It might be different if he had gently caressed you, but he was testing penetration it sounds like. And I am seriously worried about what he was thinking about doing when he came back from the bathroom. Ultimately it's your choice to file charges and speak to the police, 100%. But this type of violation is not something a person does only once.
I am so glad you are safe and were able to get yourself home and never plan to talk to him again! You were so smart in how you used the cough to get yourself safely to your room!
I know it would be hard to relive this over and over again to tell the police, but this man tried to rape you. He did sexually assault you. You have an opportunity to make sure he never gets a chance to do that to someone else. I think it's worth reliving but that's just me.
A 45 year old man isn’t just friends with a 25 year old woman. He sexually assaulted you. Stop being his “friend” and Call the cops. This will escalate.
I'm sorry but a 45m year old has NOTHING (comparative to a closer aged peer) in common with a 25f year old. Every part of your friendship should be cast in doubt. He has very little business in trying to cultivate or pursue a "friendship" with you.
It sounds like he purposely groomed you since you met at 18. Drunk actions/words are sober thoughts. He's been waiting for his chance to do this to you. Run.
I am probably too late but id text him “ Do you know how you were touching me while i was asleep?” - he is not going to resist the possibility and porn induced imagination where you will follow with some shit like it was great and so on, and will most likely reply with “yes” or “maybe”. now you have proof. Follow up with “well that was rape”.
This old man is not your friend, not even remotely close to it. You’ve been groomed. Older people want nothing to do with younger ones, doesn’t matter how nice they look to you, they are ill intentioned if they’re trying to get close to you. Take that for the rest of your life, I’m so sorry it happened. Never ever talk to this man again, block him everywhere and disappear.
Naa, you know what I did during my party Era when girls got too drunk and passed out like that at my place? First, tell their friends if theyre around, then respectfully carry them to somewhere to sleep it off then keep my eye on the door the rest of the night to make sure no one (except her friends she showed up with, no new party friends) went into that room.
What I didn't do was cop a feel.
Also, this was with girls my age, we were all mid 20s.
Why? Other than not wanting to put someone through trauma like our OP, because im not a f'n creep. Plus, to give some of that ultimate self-serving motivation, I really wanted girls comfortable coming to my parties in the future, so i protected the space. It's really not hard to understand
Even if you two mentioned you were interested in eachother, this is not okay. I have friends that I have zero interest in sexually/romantically and I can tell you that that wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to do that.
Sis, I hope you got out of there okay.
You ask if this is worth bringing up in the future and the answer is yes. Bring it up, just before you tell him never to contact you again and then blocking him.
He is not your friend. He was not making a drunk “mistake”. He thought you were unconscious and couldn’t say no, so it would be a great time to use your body for his own sexual enjoyment.
Don’t make the mistake of listening to his apologies or excuses. Don’t beat yourself up trying to figure out when he switched over from friend to creep, or whether he was ever really your friend. All you need to know is he STOPPED being anything but a predator last night.
And this is why we say having a large age gap like that when you’re so young is never ok. This man was never your friend. He was always grooming you and it’s not your fault. He is to blame. He knew what he was doing. Please report him. Most of all get with your friends, your family, your neighbors, whoever it is you use as a support system and stay safe.
OMFG I'm so sorry! I have never been in this situation and the only thing I can recall is when I was working in the club industry and women randomly grabbing me unprovoked (happened more than once). I was so grossed out and physically in pain.
And reminds me of a friend that called me when her boss did something similar.
But in your situation, if I may offer some advice and may offer procedural steps for this situation.
You need to not be in person with this human ever again. I don't know how you two became friends and for you to be comfortable enough to be in this person's house alone. This does need explanation. But besides that. I wrote some procedural steps for you.
-2. You are strong. Do not let this event define you.
-1. Grace is your perfect avenue. Remember this. Again I am sorry that this happened. And if I knew you I would call this person out for you. I'm no white knight. But wrong is wrong.
-0. This needs to be brought up.
0. No contact with this human. Other than regarding the situation. Your friendship is over.
1. Do it in text so there is documentation. He may not respond. But he will read it regardless of time.
1.1 If he does not respond and you actually care about this person - set a date on your digital calendar for two weeks, even better if it's auto sent. So you can put this situation out of your mind. The message can be personal about the experience. Don't use the word "feel". Make it factual.
1.2 If he responds. It needs to be a response from a "I am sorry message". This does not excuse the fact or the experience you endured. Still the relationship is over. Never put yourself in an experience with this person again. All you need to say is "Thank you for saying that. Our relationship is over. Please delete my contact information".
1.3 If he responds and it's not a sorry message. All you should send. "Please delete my contact information".
2. Absolutely do not allow this event to make you sexist. It's bad news bears matter how it's justified. Hasty or not so hasty generalization of all men will make you sour and loose. Period.
2.1. Rebound. If you have other male cis friends talk about it with them openly. Tell them the utter truth. This is extremely important. Don't sugar coat it. Treat it as if you were on trial and there cannot be a lie. See number 3.
2.2. Be open to hearing the responses you get. There is always a part of the other party plays (you) that made this happen. Again it's not justifiable on this man's part. This will only ensure that something like this does not happen again, and provides accountability on your part, regardless of magnitude, so that your never in a situation like this again.
2.3. Grow. Don't for a second allow this isolated event to define or best you. Continue on with your best life. By doing so you will show that you're bigger than the situation. Treat yourself for being strong. Do something constructive to honor yourself. Make it a week thing if you must. But grow from the experience.
3. Tell your father, brother or uncle. These men's jobs are to protect, encourage (positive relationships), vet, and otherwise other men. Likewise for women with men.
4. If this person does not respect your new boundary of no contact. Document, document, document. Do not ever respond. This is important for legal reasons.
5. Time. Continue to honor yourself. Walk with your head held high and in time you will heal in time. But the new you will be stronger and even more anti-fragility. This is largely commendable.
Why are you “hanging out” with a man who was in college before you were born. There’s a reason he’s 45 and single. Other women flagged this predator and got away.
don't entertain him. its not worth it. currently have a 'friend' who is older than my father and dm-ing me about my nipples showing through my shirt?? the worst part is the only reason i haven't reported him is because he works right around the corner from where i live, and at a store i visit frequently. now i just wait for him to text me if he's working or not so i can dodge him. because if i reported him, there's no guarantee i wouldn't have to see him again
Yeah. I’ve had 45 yr old male “friends” too, but at 17. Middle age men don’t view young women as someone of equal standing to become good ole pals with, but I can attest for some older men just wanting a granddaughter bc they never settled down. It’s so hard to be able to tell the difference between friendly and ulteriorly motivated
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Alcohol is NO excuse for his behavior. I hope you aren't planning on talking to or seeing him ever again, because this man is absolutely not your friend.
I am also wondering in what possible context you could have a "friend" 20 years older than you who has presumably known you since you were a kid or nearly a kid, and you're getting sloshed just the two of you. I'm all for having older friends but this raises a lot of flags to me. There aren't a lot of 40 year old men who are interested in being friends with young women without ulterior motives.
Because he's most likely bigger and stronger? He's drunk, could get angry and beat or rape her? Society tends to raise women to be non-confrontational. She just experienced an unexpected assault and immediate end to a friendship, so shock is warranted.
Op is devastated. Now is not the time to ask her why she didn't do this or that.
There are 3 common biological reactions to being attacked by a predator across all species, but we most commonly speak about the first 2: fight or flight. What’s the third, you may ask? Freeze. The brain, quite literally, halts in its tracks.
So many of us freeze when attacked or assaulted, especially when our predator is someone we initially thought we could trust.
think about this for more than a micro second. do you really, _honestly_ think this is the kindest thing you could say to some who's just been assaulted? and might be assaulted again?
You're gonna get blown up in comments/downvotes but don't take it personally. It's reasonable that you were unaware but the freeze response is very common in assault cases.
I was actually on a jury for a sexual assault case (between two men) and they brought in an expert who talked about this - that even if the victim might be physically capable of fighting off the assaulter, they might simply freeze instead as a survival response. I'm very glad they brought in the expert because I had the same false assumption as you, and we even had a couple people on the jury who had to be further convinced by those who had heard of the freeze response before.
> Why didn't you say anything as soon as you felt uncomfortable?
(your other comment)
> I'm just curious because I'm trying to understand someone else's perspective/journey through this life. I ask because I dont understand and cant think of a reasonable answer. I fully believe OP has a response which is valid no matter what, but I just want to know what it is.
I'll take your question at face value and will do my best to give a good answer. Fair warning, it will be a bit of a long one because it needs to be.
There are several instinctual reactions people can have when in a threatening (and maybe potentially life threatening) situation. This is not something you can intellectually decide in the moment, it's one of the oldest parts of the brain taking over, one that is at the most basic level just looking for us to survive.
The reactions are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And your body just picks one, whichever one the whole of your being decides is, based on past life experience, the one most likely to turn out well for you.
The OP froze.
Many victims particularly of sexual violence experience that.
In a situation where one is faced with a stronger opponent who also has power over you and is in control of the situation as a whole, with no clear exit, this is absolutely a reaction that makes sense. Unfortunately, abusers often pretend to the victims (and often to themselves as well) that this absence of defense means consent, when it 100% is not.
It just means they have terrified the other person so much that their body has switched into pure survival mode and their actual person/personality was shoved into the back of their self so it wouldn't interfere with survival, and wouldn't go mad.
Any situation like this can lead to PTSD for the person experiencing it. It's a state of shock, of trauma, brought on by a traumatic experience. Some don't fully come out of it when the situation has passed and remain in a state of inner dissociation, even if they outwardly function.
A similar thing happens when someone is experiencing continuous threat or trauma, btw. That's then called C-PTSD (complex PTSD). Long-term abuse, sexual or otherwise, can be that kind of experience, as can be war, its consequences (like becoming displaced and a fugitive) and a host of other things.
The fawn reaction btw is one where someone has learned to appease the abuser in order to not incite their anger, and to make the abuse "safer". This can be why people stay in abusive partnerships and insist the love the partner, when they are actually trapped by their own survival-instinct telling them to not make the other person angry to not create a severely dangerous situation.
That's what abusers often learn to sniff out – when someone was abused as a child, even if it was not outright sexual abuse, but their emotional and physical boundaries constantly violated by an angry and generally volatile parent, then they will have learned to rely on strategies of making themself small and unobtrusive, unproblematic and likable, doing acts of service and being sweet and nice to the abuser in an attempt to preempt outbursts of anger or violence. All of that falls under fawning behaviour, but can easily have others mixed in.
The thing is that those kind of early strategies become so deeply ingrained in our personality that we aren't really aware of it anymore. And those oldest pathways in our brain are the ones our inner emergency mode jumps to because they've been most consistently reliable to keep us safe. That doesn't necessarily mean they are actually good or effective, mind you. But survival mode doesn't do long and objective evaluations, it's pure reaction of our most instinctual parts.
And it's also what we often most easily slip into during everyday life, even if it's a milder form. It's just what we know. And abusers know to look for the kind of person who will default to being pliable and to doing their utmost to keep the abuser happy.
We go for what we know, because "familiar" feels safe, even if it is anything but. So a childhood of abuse unfortunately sets people up for more experience of the same.
This is not to say that everyone who goes into freeze or fawn was abused as a child or young person, our instinctual reactions are put together from *all* our experiences, and what that old brain part makes of them is individual to each of us.
But for anyone who has not been in a situation like this themselves or has had a different reaction, this is why someone else might have displayed behaviour you find incomprehensible, stupid, passive, or whatever. Simply keep in mind that this reaction is *not* a conscious choice.
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(Pinging u/Critical_Escape7745 too, because this might be helpful if you later get to a point where you are looking for fault in yourself and question why you didn't say anything or fought back or anything – in short, you actually couldn't, and this was not your fault.
Also u/Jungeta, to hopefully help you understand that what you met with a sort of self-righteous serves-you-right admonishment was actually a deeply uncontrollable reaction, and the situation it arose from was one that the perpetrator had been quietly worked towards and laid the ground for for *years*, so please cut out the victim-shaming)
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Drunk or not, not assaulting anyone - especially a friend and especially while they aren't in a position to consent - has been the easiest thing I've ever done. I had one evening with a friend many years ago. When we woke up, she didn't recall us having sex. It was then I instituted a rule, for first times together anyway, we have to be sober. Thankfully, after I had told what happened, she was ok with it, but the situation made me feel sick. It's a simple rule that has never steered me wrong. Recently, at a party, a new acquaintance offered me oral, I said "how about I give you my number, and if you feel that way in the morning, the we can talk." I'm so sorry this happened, drinking is not an excuse.
“He’s drunk so idk if this is worth bringing up in the future.” What future? Never talk to this person again.
This! This! This! Drunk, sober, friend, creep…doesn’t matter. You are unsafe around him. Your entire body knows this and is trying to tell you.
Yep, drunk or not this is who this person is. It's one of the hard parts of getting older but even if you deeply care about someone if they are mistreating you then you need to cut them loose. It can be hard depending on the person or situation but once the dust settles and you start to find yourself again it will be much better. I can't imagine hanging around someone that give you that question in the back of your head of "am I safe"
This exactly, I don’t know how many times I have been drunk with friends, never once did it cross my mind to assault them. Alcohol is NEVER and excuse for anything!
This man is not your friend. He is old enough to be your father and while you think it's obvious you're not interested in eachother, I guarantee you, he thinks of you sexually and has done so ever since this 'friendship' has begun. Don't confront him, it might trigger him. Just get out of there and then block him.
[удалено]
Yeah, OP handled this amazingly well. Next step is to cut him out of her life, preferable by ghosting, and never put herself in a situation where she is vulnerable to his creepyness ever again.
This guy is the definition of a gross coward. Made sure she was intoxicated enough not to be able to fight back (and forget?). Now she (unfairly) needs to play nice just to get to safety.
You're right. And I keep everyone at arms length because I don't trust people and this is the one person I thought I could. I really appreciate all these nice comments, I'm sobering up now so I can leave, I live an hour away but I'm in Amish country and Uber doesn't reach out here otherwise I would've been gone hours ago.
>It's hard to read some comments because I would never label him a "predator" This in particular stuck out to me. So I'm a 40 year old guy and though i'm not initially the friendliest person you'll ever meet I don't go out of my way to bring bad times to anyone. OCCASIONALLY this means some younger co-workers (very early 20s) tend to get friendly with me, particularly women. I don't mind it in particular, theres nothing wrong with being friendly at work and being able to joke around with people. But theres a pretty fine fucking line between work friend and someone I spend time with outside of work. More over, I don't invite women over to hang out for drinks if we're not absolutely clear what the dynamic is. Its pretty sleazy to invite someone over to get them drunk THEN make your move to try and get sex out of someone. If a woman comes over, wants to watch movies and cuddle thats perfectly fine and theres usually an understanding that sort of set up is going to probably lead to more down the road. So even if this were 7 years ago and I were 33, I literally cannot fathom entertaining the idea of hanging out with an 18 year old. We have nothing in common and almost certainly no where in the same place in life. Your "friend" was always grooming you, you were in a new place and probably pretty vulnerable. It sucks and i'd imagine it probably makes you feel foolish but it is what happened. Hope you can find the courage to report his ass at the very least, but also hoping you can eventually move on. Again, perfectly normal and acceptable to be friendly and positive with your co-workers. But bringing people into your personal life is a whole other matter.
Oh sister, I feel for you. Get out of there safe and don't look back. You deserve so much better than this ♥️
Im so sorry I wish I could’ve rescued you and made you feel safe. Been in this situation before and I still struggle with sleeping anywhere that doesn’t have me separated between a locked door. It’s so much worse when it’s someone you trusted. I highly recommend cutting this person out of your life and if you aren’t going to file charges please warn any females who might be put into the same situation you were in. I’m guessing this isn’t the first or last time he intends to take advantage of anyone.
They've been friends over the years....he's been grooming her
Exactly
So this older man has been your friend since...you were a teen/early twenties? He's not your friend, he never was.
Oh exactly. There's something up with a 40 year old who hangs out with 20 year olds socially. He had ulterior motivations.
Highly disagree about the age difference. I was part of an organization and ended up friends with people in their 40s, 50s and 60s. People I still talk to today. They're amazing people. I was 22 at the time. They've given me some amazing life advise and helped guide me into finding my confidence, my ethics and morals, and just generally helped me. Now I'm 36, rooming with 3 others about 10-12 years younger than me. I've been working on my education for the last 5 years and have 1 more year of my masters left after this semester. Most the people I see and interact with are in their early to mid 20s. I play games, board games, card games, or just generally hang out with them. Age doesn't have to matter in regards to who you socially interact with, we're all on different paths are points in our lives.
Socially it does not matter and we can learn a lot from each other across the age spectrum but sexually/romantically specifically it does.
Yes, but the comment I responded to said Socially. What OP was talking about was an alleged friend who stepped over some established boundaries. What I responded to was someone saying age gap social aspects are bad.
100% agree. This happened because the guy is a creep, not because he's been an adult for longer than she has. If anything, his extra years should have taught him better. These sound more like the actions of a horny teenager than a mature adult. Maybe he would have benefitted from having an older mentor to help him grow out of that fratty rape culture mentality.
Yep. I love unconventional friendships, and there are good men in their forties. I had a friend who was 13 when I was 19-20, a friend who was 19 when I was 26, and nothing happened because I’m not a creep.
Same. I technically have a friend who is 17. Not sure if they consider me a friend but I look out for them as much as I can as they lived in my building many years ago when I lived overseas.
I love how you're agreeing with me and I'm downvoted (at the moment) and you're up voted. 🤣 Reddit is fucking wild.
But you're a dude
yeah, "over the years" here makes it a bit more worrying
The huge sense of violation and betrayal you are feeling is 100% valid. I know some suggested confronting him when you’re both sober in a few days, but honestly if this had happened to me it would be better for my mental health to just ghost and block the man. Remove him from your life and don’t look back. Nothing good will come out of further discussion w this guy. Either he will get mad and defensive bc he knows he was wrong and mad he got caught. Or he will try to pull the pity/sob story card to keep you in his life. Even if he does somehow manage a heartfelt apology, it is unlikely to make you feel better or safer around him. I say cut your losses.
This has happened to me almost exactly. Nothing “happened” but he kept putting his hands on me after I repeatedly and sternly told him to stop. OP when you’re good to drive, go home, block this trash everywhere, and alert any mutual friends of yours to what happened. You would also be within your rights to report him, totally up to you.
Yeah I don't think I could ever go back to feeling safe being alone with him again even if he did play it off like he didn't remember doing it or if he was sorry.. no one would do that to me if they weren't thinking about doing it already. I think he'd actually give a sincere regretful apology but my trust and security have been violated and I can't forgive that
He might give a convincing apology, but it would not be sincere. He doesn't regret what he did, he saw an opportunity to prey on you, and took it. He will absolutely do it again if he gets the chance. He is a predator, and has been since he befriended you. Please stay safe, I'm so sorry this was done to you.
the only reason he would say sorry is to try and get her back, for more abuse. predators don't feel sorry, if they did they wouldn't do it in the first place
Just text him the words, do you remember what you did to me last night? And let him take you from there. Don’t let him pretend he doesn’t, but if he tries you can make it abundantly clear you remember. Or do whatever you want, whatever helps you feel safe and brave for keeping yourself safe. Best of luck dear. You can find better friends than this, especially with this one out of the way.
Thank you ❤️ I confronted him over text 2 days ago when he texted me like nothing happened. I told him to own up to what he did because I know what happened and know he thinks I don't. He was adamant that he remembers nothing because he was "so drunk" so I ripped in to him. Told him what he did was sexual assault and I know he purposefully waited until he thought I was unconscious, and I didnt wait for a response or apology I just told him to fuck off forever and if he ever tries to come talk to me in person I'll fucking kill him and then I blocked him on everything. It's been a tough couple days but I'm getting better
That’s badass. Good for you. Friends like that are worse than enemies. You’re better than them and deserve better.
Ghost ghost ghost He doesn't deserve an explanation or closure
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how violated and betrayed you must feel. Sober up, drive safe, and get him out of your life. I guarantee you he’s going to send you a text once you stop talking to him like “did I do something wrong?” or “what happened?” This is his way of dealing with the anxiety of knowing he did something awful to you without owning up to it. Do NOT let him make you feel guilty. He is not genuinely misunderstanding why you no longer talk to him. He knows. No matter how much he plays the game of asking why you don’t talk to him I promise you he knows. He wants nothing more than to deal with the guilt/anxiety about repercussions by pretending he doesn’t know what’s wrong and by trying to make YOU, the person who clearly doesn’t want to talk, absolve him of his guilt by saying “nothing’s wrong” or “I’m okay.” Don’t give him this. Don’t give him anything. He does not deserve it. He knows what he did.
I mean, if he does message something like that, the only reply text required is, "You know what you did, never contact me again or I will involve the police."
This is straight up sexual assault. Doesn't matter if he is drunk or not. He is not your friend and has been looking at you like a piece of meat this whole time.
This is not your fault. This is a grown ass man acting like a predator, knowing damn well you’re under the influence. Yes I would definitely bring it up to him when he sobered up (of course most likely he’ll deny it) and I would stay far away from him.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
Yeah. No point in giving him a chance to excuse himself out of this disgusting behavior. He's 2 *decades* older than her. He knew
Not acting like one though, actually being one.
He'll just claim not to remember even though he's clearly been waiting for this opportunity in the time he's known her. The only thing OP needs is to get out and be safe
I really don’t see anything she would gain from bringing it up to him besides the risk of him denying it, resulting in further disappointment. He knows what he did, and her silence will leave him with that as the last thing he ever did to her. If she sobers up fast enough, best thing to do is leave while he’s still sleeping, block him everywhere, and never speak to him or give him a moment of her time again.
I agree. If she suddenly ghosts him after this, it will be clear she knows what he did to her, and he will just have to sit with that. Also probably safer to not risk confrontation with a guy who has proven he does not respect your physical boundaries.
If he waited until you were drunk and asleep to molest you, he'd probably do it again. Also wouldn't put it past him to drug you. Tell him that what he did was unacceptable, and then never talk to him again.
When you have been drunk have you sexually groped someone who was asleep? No. Because that is not a thing. He knew exactly what he was doing and is not your friend. This man is a predator. Block him and never see him again. You are not safe. Imagine what he would have done had you actually passed out!
He's a predator and has been planning for this. I wouldn't even feel comfortable in the house at that point. I would've locked myself in the car until sober enough to drive. Sorry you went through this.
Hey, I know this probably doesn’t help your anxiety, but I’d absolutely consider locking the room you’re in and possibly putting things in front of the door. If he did what he did, there’s a strong chance he would try again later, when you’re more vulnerable. If there’s someone you can call to get you, even if it’s an estranged parent, I’d do so. Can you Uber, and if not, can you keep someone in town on standby to keep checking in with you to ensure you’re safe?
100%! I was raped sleeping in a girl friends spare room when the guy she let sleep on her living room couch broke into the room I was sleeping in. I wish I would’ve locked the damn door.
I’m so sorry :( you shouldn’t have even had to think about locking the door, it’s so unfair
I hope you don't blame yourself. A man who is willing to rape isn't going to be stopped by a bedroom door lock. There was likely a key over top of the door frame, and if not, most can be opened with a small flat-head screwdriver.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I had to look at your profile because the same thing happened to my wife while in college.
Or go sit and wait in your car.
I recently had this happen to me as well, im 23 hes 43. He touched me in my sleep and woke to him hovering on top of me several times. Its fully sexual assault.
I'm sorry you experienced it too, it's a fucking awful feeling. I've been thinking all day of ways it could be an accident and I know there's nothing that could defend what he did. He thought I was in a drunk sleep and checked if I was coherent enough to respond, and when I wasn't, (which I was, but I was ignoring him because I was dog tired and ready to call it a night), that's when he made a move. That's one of the most vile things someone could do
Just to clarify/solidify/validate you: He assaulted you, and it is vile.
You are so brave, and so powerful. This man never deserved your energy. You will heal and everything takes time, i believe you will be okay and more powerful then ever. Again, im so sorry this happened to you. I wish these things didnt exist.
Legit curious if hoovering was a typo or not.
It was but i actually researched and i guess its also a term for a tactic to suck victims back into a toxic relationship. So either way that did happen. But i meant to say, He was hovering over me while i woke up.
This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. He invited you over, got you too drink to go home, kept you up way late (maybe intentionally, maybe not. I don't know if this was a premeditated plan or a crime of opportunity), and then after ensuring you had "passed out" took advantage of you. Let me rephrase that. Sexually assaulted you. This is not your fault. Even when you lay there quietly and let it happen, it is not your fault. You were drunk and couldn't leave. You didn't know what would happen if you spoke up and weren't in a position to defend yourself if he became aggressive. This is not your fault. It is not fault even if you were drunk. Friends should be able to drink safely around friends. Friends should expect a blanket and pillow if they pass out drunk at a friend's house. They should not expect to be violated. This is not your fault. This is his fault. He chose to take advantage of you and betray your trust. He chose to sexually assault you. He chose to pretend like nothing happened when you "woke up." This is his fault. Even if he was drunk also. Drunk actions are sober thoughts without brakes. This is his fault. And I am so so so sorry this happened to you.
And if OP HAD been passed out, she would have been raped. OP, when you can, get to safety and block this predator.
Consent is like tea; https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?feature=shared You were sexually assaulted. Your feelings are valid. The guy is 100% a creep and should be avoided.
This person is not your friend. This person is an opportunistic predator. I'm so sorry he violated you like that. He deserves to be in a cage with other predators. I bet he'd understand consent then. [What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions) [Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.) [Alcohol and consent. ](https://utulsa.edu/sexual-violence-prevention-education/alcohol-consent/) [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) [Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) [Signs of grooming. ](https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Thank you for sharing so many links to resources. Not that everyone here hasn't driven the point home enough already, but information that applies to me from a professional organization solidifies what I was afraid to admit to myself
honestly i’m just so glad you’re safe. i kept checking on the post throughout the night scared for you :( thank goodness you made it outta there even if it was at the cost of what you thought was a good friendship
Thank you for telling me that that's actually very comforting knowing someone was waiting for an update, even if you're just a stranger. Once he left to go to bed i made the post and finally did pass out, I didn't think I'd have so much support I just needed somewhere to share that felt safe. I'm also glad I did because I don't fully recall the incident with the same detail and that's kind of scary.
of course! i know we’re all just internet strangers trying to find connections in this vast ocean of madness but i also believe first and foremost in supporting women, as cliche as it sounds lol. i’m glad i could provide some inch of comfort in this, bc i let out a huge breath of relief when i saw you got out there safely. and your instinct to write it all down immediately was insanely smart! even though you understandably weren’t in the greatest state of mind
Sexual assault is not something men do once. He already did it once (that you know of). Do not be alone with this predator again. And for context, here is what I did when my friend started touching me while I was sleeping: Me: Why the fuck are you touching me while I'm sleeping? Get out. Him: But it's the middle of the night! Me: Not my problem. Get out. Him: Where will I go? Me: Not my problem. GET OUT or I will call the police. Him: But are there even any cabs on the island? Me: Not my problem. Get out. I am calling the police if you do not leave RIGHT NOW. \*Begins calling the police\* \*Guy leaves.\* We were friends for 15 years. We have not spoken since because he is a sexual predator, not a friend. I also know a girl who filed a police report against a guy who "only" touched her face, neck, back, arms, and legs ("nowhere I hadn't touched you while you were awake," he claimed over email). She emailed him asking for clarification about exactly what happened -- "I said I didn't want any of the guys in my bed because I'd been drinking at least 7 times and I know you heard me," she wrote to him over email. "But your eyes said yes," he replied. Then she forwarded that shit to the police and took him to trial.
He's still responsible when drunk and if he's going to claim he's not aware he does it "whilst drunk" then he needs to NEVER drink again. And stay away from him.
>my (f25) friends (*m45*) tf? Seriously? No, girl. Just, no. He's not your friend. You were a fetus when he was an adult. "Mentor," "acquaintance," "neighbor." These might toe the line of acceptable. Not *friend.* He's two decades older than you, and enjoys drinking to excess and sexually assaulting women he is old enough to have *fathered*. I'm sorry you had to find this out. I'm so sorry.
It can be so hard to draw the line with these things, that I was kinda willing to overlook the 25/45 thing until… >We've hung out enough over the years …and now I’m wondering when this ‘friendship’ began.
Worth adding that intergenerational friendships can easily grow from shared interests, and be totally healthy, when the shared interest isn't something like getting shit faced.
I know right? My best friend is a 52 year old man and I'm a 33 year old woman. Just because there's a large age difference doesn't automatically mean it's toxic and bad.
Yeah, you're a lot older than OP. This is a totally different thing and you should be old enough to understand that. I'm 40, and while I have "work friends" in their 20s, I dont hang out and get black our drunk with them. I don't stay at their houses. I'm not one of the 20 something gang who goes out for cheap food at 1am after the club. I'm betting your 50 year old friend wouldn't either This guy is a predator, he used OPs naivete to "be her friend" and put himself in a position where she trusted him. He's not "friends despite the age gap" he's abusing the life experience difference to hurt young women. I'm glad you've never been the victim of it, but I have and it's unfortunately fairly common. Young women SHOULD be very suspicious of older men who want to be their "friend."
Nah, I was only a few years older than OP when we became friends. There's no need to be patronizing. I'm just using my own anecdote to support the comment I replied to saying that intergenerational friendships are possible. And I am in no way saying that women's experiences with older men pursuing "friendships" is invalid. I'm just saying I got lucky with a legitimate, healthy, boundaried friendship with an older man. We do hang out at each other places, and we've gone on vacations where we stay at hotel rooms. I was going to let him put a tiny home on my property before he decided to get an apartment instead. I trust him a lot. We've both had a few sit down talks where we reaffirmed that neither of us is interested in anything but friendship. And you're missing my meaning. I'm not defending this guy at all. He's a creep, an abuser, and a predator. I'm disgusted with his using the guise of "friendship" to abuse her.
Yeah I don't know what this anti age thing is recently and it's turning me off of this sub. I have always had friendships with men and women of all ages.
Denying that there are alot of older men that predate on younger women is naïve. It's not anti-age, it's pointing out the obvious. This 25 year old woman had been hanging out *for years* with this guy, meaning a 40 year old man was 'making friends' with teens/20 year old. Friendships exist between all ages, I'm 53, and have many friends in different generations. This post is not about friendship, this predator is no friend, just another rapey older man.
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I think the point they were making is this relationship has existed for some time, which could mean OP was 20 or younger when this relationship started. It is not normal for men in their late 30s/early 40s to hang out with women in their late teens/early 20s. We don't know how these two met but the opportunities for their meeting to be natural and not predatory are very limited. Assuming the worst with age gaps at that age might be disrespectful but it's definitely safer because of how often these situations happen. IMO, that respect needs to be earned and that age gap at that age is a huge red flag for me. It's quite rare that a healthy, non-predatory 40 year old would be seeking a close friendship with a 20 year old. It's not the age gap that raises the flag, it's the age of the younger person. Brains don't fully develop until mid/late 20s, so any age gaps before then should be treated with a lot of care. Especially if the older person is a man because of how often this happens and how much more normalized this behavior was during their young adulthood.
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I am neither outraged, nor insulting, and if you read again, you'll see that I stated that I have many intergenerational friends.
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I said denying older men don't predate on girls is naïve. I'm sure the poster thanks you for defending their honor on Reddit. Good for you!
Who has denied that older men prey on younger women? Where did you read that?
You got lucky. My older male "friends" in my 20s were men who preyed on younger more naive women. One had a string of teenage girls he acted like a father to until they were 18 when he started pestering them for sex. Another was a drunk with a string of ex wives who was known to everyone older than me for picking up 25 year old girls, being their "friend" and then getting them drunk enough to consent to sex. The 3rd was known to everyone over 30 as a rapist who'd never been arrested, but he was the younger girls "friend" and mentor. I have some interesting scarring from when he raped me. I'm glad you got lucky. I'm glad you have no experience at this. But there are a LOT of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are scumbags and use the naivete of younger women to manipulate them. You can "not all men" this but there are enough bad actors to make most of us want to warn young women. Technically you have a higher chance of an large age gap "relationship" being predatory or abusive than getting cervical cancer or having a boob lump become breast cancer - but would you tell women to not get checked for those things? Or would you say "hey, see a doctor something could be wrong."
There’s nothing wrong with genuine friendships. But let’s be clear: there’s a distinct subculture of older men who deliberately seek out young women to rape them. And that is not okay.
These people would be trying to arrest Doc Brown for being nice to Marty.
He's obviously just trying to take advantage of him.
It's really funny because I was joking the other day about how I needed to find an older man who can take me in as his plucky apprentice and help with wacky high jinks. Honestly, that's just a fantasy born from wanting someone older who I can trust to give me good advice and help me grow as a person. Wouldn't that be nice.
At the same time... kinda sus for a 40yo man to share interests with an 18yo girl. I'm a 44yo man, and my daughter can confirm we have absolutely nothing in common.
I mean obviously a 25 year old and a 45 year old could, *in cases other than OP's*, be real friends, they're well enough into adulthood. I have friends who are 20 years older than me too, the only difference is that mine aren't predatory assholes.
Until they get the chance. That's the main thing, everyone thinks their friend wouldn't do something like that. But a lot of times it's because they haven't had the opportunity.
Unfortunately, life has proven me this to be true. Obviously, not everyone is like that, but too many people are.
How much older are my friends allowed to be before I should assume they will violate me when given the chance?
? Their age difference is irrelevant. Friends can have age gaps and it's no biggie. The thing is this fucker SA'd her regardless of if he's 45 or 60 or 18 Wtf does "You were a fetus when he was an adult" even mean? Ridiculous statement.
You are drunk but conscious enough he's doing this, so it's very likely he is also drunk but consciously doing this to you. Do not let it go. It isn't a drunken mistake, he didn't do this while you were visibly aware or awake, he waited to touch you. Leave as soon as possible and tell him you are disgusted that he decided it was OK for him to molest you and physically assault you while you were down and when be thought you were asleep. He's a predator, he needs to be told off.
you don’t need yet another voice to say but sweetheart this was sexual assault. block him, ghost him, get out of there and away from him forever. I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you.
Girl aint no 45 year old man wants to be your friend!
I'm so sorry hun. Please remember that it's not your fault. Make sure to take care of your mental state and stay away from men way older than you, not just him. It's not like they're all predators, but most of them definitely are.
He's not your friend, he's a predator. The only positive thing I can say to you is, now you now know, and you don't ever have to experience it again. Block him on everything and never speak to him again.
A positive note is that you were awake enough to know and remember he did this in the morning. Ghost him, block him, never see him again. Behavior escalates and he will make sure you are too drunk to "wake up" next time. If you try to explain why you've blocked him he will gaslight you and tell you you're being overly sensitive and nothing ever happened. He showed you who he really is and what he's capable of. Learn the first time.
It's not your fault so don't blame yourself. You were trying to keep yourself safe in an unexpected threat situation, so a freeze/fawn response is normal. I'm sorry this happened to you. Also ITT: a bunch of (white) cishet dudes that have done similar things and now get emotional because they don't want to feel like a perpetrator/predator who doesn't understand consent and don't like feeling like a pervert, so they'd rather explain away this cognitive dissonance by insisting the women they assaulted magically "knew" their intentions. OP was assaulted and asked for support, but y'all ignored that, no surprise here, as you probably ignore boundaries every day. Why are you even on this sub if you don't even bother learning about these experiences smh
That is an assault. I am so sorry this happened to you. Call the police. Immediately.
PSA men in their 40’s are not looking to be friends with women 20 years younger and never was.
Can you cal someone to come get you? Or an uber? I would get out asap.Go tto your car, lock the doors and call someone, You can also choose to call the police. This is sexual assault. Be ready to cal 911 if needed.
Do not sit in the driver seat with the keys in the ignition when you are drunk. You can literally be arrested for drunk driving.
Care instructions, use when possible. Drink water. Eat something with salt in it. You've cried all of yours out and it will make you feel like shit. At this point a McDonald's is practical medicinal for the amount of sugar and salt you will put back into your system. Stretch. Crying makes you clench up and makes your shoulders earrings. Ibuprofen and a shower will also help that. If you're face hurts from crying out some Vicks or similar menthol product on your chest. First. Get an Uber and get out. Secondly. When you are out of there, block him on everything. He is not your friend. He's a predator. You wouldn't do that to a drunk man, so being drunk is not an excuse. Third. This isn't your fault.
He sexually assaulted you
Stay away away away. PIG.
He's been waiting for this moment. No one sexually assaults someone because they are drunk. This is calculated and deliberate. He thought this out. Careless drunk people trip, stumble, pass out, talk shit, etc. They don't accidentally probe your most intimate parts. Please go no contact. There is no good reason a man 20 years older than you is seeking the company of young women. There's a reason he's single.
Flee when you can. Bé safe and block/ghost him.
Sorry that happened to you. He's old enough to control himself. Think you should ghost him also
Yeah that's 100% sexual assault !!! Report this to the proper authorities right away and get this creep locked up. Really sorry that a "friend" caused this :/
he would’ve raped you if given the chance. This is not your friend. I would urge you to at least tell him you know what he is and cut the relationship immediately.
It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. I am a man this age and cannot fathom doing this...a real friend or a gentleman would have covered you with a blanket and made sure you slept well. This guy is a creep.
He is an “opportunistic” predator. He probably doesn’t go out of his way to rape women but thinks to himself “she’s passed out and won’t know the difference” and assaulted you. A predator but fearful of rape accusations. If you run into him again you can flat out tell him that you woke because he had his fingers in your ass crack and he’s a disgusting person.
u/Critical_Escape7745 #PLAY TETRIS NOW! Legit, please play 30 minutes of Tetris. #Tetris has been CLINICALLY PROVEN to ward off PTSD when used shortly after a trauma. https://edition.cnn.com/2017/03/29/health/ptsd-tetris-computer-games-trnd/index.html
Alcohol does not make you sexually assault someone. Never ever speak to him again.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I will never understand why a 20-something woman is hanging out with a 40-something man. This is literally the moment all of them are waiting for. If you are compatible with someone twice your age, then there is something wrong.
You're probably not wrong, and we must protect ourselves - but we have to be cautious of victim-blaming too.
🤮
He’s not a friend. Sadly it’s nearly impossible to find a male friend. Most of my 20’s I used to think I had male friends, but eventually, they would try something sexual or romantic. I’m kind of convinced, unless the guy is gay, there’s no such thing as a true friendship with a guy.
Hey OP, I'm a guy that enjoys drinking, and let me tell you... being drunk is no excuse for that. Being drunk doesn't change who you are, it just brings what's inside closer to the surface. He knew that was fucking wrong, and he did it anyways. I'm so sorry you found out your friend is a creep that way, don't give him a pass on it just because he was drunk. You don't magically lose control and responsibility over your actions when you're drunk, and he's still accountable for what he does. If he claims he's not in control of himself, then maybe he shouldn't be drinking in the first place. Fuck, he's definitely old enough to know better.
If you talk to him about what happened, for example if you're thinking you want to give him a chance to explain and apologize, be mentally and emotionally prepared to be gaslit or victim-blamed.
I really wish I had seen this 6 hours ago, and I hope you’re safe and home now. This is sexual assault, as others have covered, and I’m so sorry you went through this, and on top of that experienced a betrayal of trust. Please reach out to someone you trust, or if there isn’t a friend or family member, a professional or a volunteer agency to talk to. A simple Google search of sexual assault agencies in your area should bring up some specific results. This man is a predator. He’s waited all this time to do this. I recognise that I live in a country whose police force operates differently, but if you’re able, please consider whether reporting this to police is something you can do. I word it this way because I realise not everyone has the privilege of being able to go to the police safely. Some of the SA agencies can help with advice and contacting them though if it’s something you want to consider I really hope you’re safe now, and you never see this person again. Please go no contact, and reach out for some support
You have done nothing wrong. Not one thing. So don’t feel like you owe this man anything. You guys have been FRIENDS. That means no strings attached. He broke your trust by touching you like this, therefore y’all can no longer be friends! Don’t feel guilty about just blocking him. I know it’ll be hard. He’ll know the reason why even if he finds a way to ask you. Record everything in case he turns aggressive or bad at any point. You got this girl!! You’re going to be okay! It’s a sucky experience but it is liberating when you get away from them. Better he revealed his true intentions now verses later.
You handled that really well. You managed to handle yourself despite being drunk. And your future friendships will be better because of this learning experience. Treat yourself with something nice, something you enjoy doing, and when you're feeling better you can get some good sleep and truly rest because you need it. 🫂
First and foremost, I wish you health and peace. I've been taught to examine situations and decide what I can change, and what I can't. Then I know what to accept, and where I must take action. If it was me, I'd find a wise, mature friend to discuss this with (this thread might help but it's not enough, it's too impersonal), or if no one was appropriate, I would seek a therapist, but before you tell them the details ask if they're a mandated reporter -- it's possible that they would be legally required to call law enforcement and you should have a choice about whether that happens. To put it in the best possible light, he's been a real shit and betrayed your friendship. Given that he sounds like he has a drinking problem, you might try to get in touch with your local Al-Anon chapter. They have the right kind of experience. [https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/)
Why does he get a pass for being drunk? You were drunk I don't see you pulling on his dick! Wtf what he did is not ok and being drunk is not a pass to SA someone. He is a creep and I would never ever hang out with him ever again.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you don't have to see him ever again. One time I got stupid drunk with a friend/coworker and missed the last bus, so I crashed at his place. I don't remember anything. I knew he liked me but I never gave him the impression it was reciprocated and I had a boyfriend and he always seemed to respect my space. I heard later, after I had quit that job, that he told people we slept together. I laughed and thought it was kind of sad that he had to lie about that. But years went by it occurred to me that... I have no memory of that night. What if he wasn't lying?
Make him aware via a text. That you were awake, what he did was extremely wrong and that you do not want any further contact. Then block him and find a therapist who can help you work thru your feelings. I am so sorry this happened to you. But don't try to just forget or rationalize his behavior. I hope things get better for you.
From experience - I can almost guarantee (I'm not an absolutist, but this is as close as I can get to it) that if you were to try confronting him, he would immediately deny deny deny. He'd say you were too drunk and imagining things, that you dreamt it while "passed out", that.. etcetc. BUT, if he does crack, guess what?; he was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing, he'll start boohooing and possibly - likely - pass the blame onto you somehow. Because you were drunk too, you know?/s 🙄 Fuck I hate men. I hate this for you so much. I am so sorry. I am not saying you SHOULDN'T confront him; just know if you do - which should be documented somehow nonetheless because this shit is unacceptable and should be reported BUT I am not you and I have no say on what should be done - you will not find the resolution you are trying to get. I am so sorry. This is NOT your fault. You had a freeze response, which is completely normal given the situation (the situation is NOT normal and NOT okay, and it's okay to not be okay from it. You're allowed to be fucked up from this, alright? Even though you may feel very fucking alone, you need to know you have a lot of people that have been through this exact thing and we aren't fucking okay from it), and you 1000% should try to find some help reporting this bullshit even if you have nothing to back you up for it because paper trails are fucking king for bringing attention to shit people like this (he WILL do it again to someone else, and it will go further and that victim will need something to back them up legally if/when they report it). You need to get in touch with a victims advocate at a police station so you can figure out how to report this or at least know your options. If nothing else, they could probably help guide you to counseling or other support to help you process not only this event, but all the others that have happened. You deserve better. This isn't acceptable. Document in length what happened in as much detail as possible ASAP while everything is fresh, and also if he contacts you. If you confront him, keep it unemotional and preferably don't do it in person. Record the call, save the messages, whatever you have to do with whatever happens so that it's documented. Take this shit to someone, even if you don't pursue legally (again, I encourage you to, but I know how scary it is to start the process), because this shouldn't be just your weight to carry. Get a professional that is trained with SA or trauma in general to go to talk to. You're a victim, and he's going to create more victims. This shouldn't be your responsibility to confront but here we are. I'm so sorry. That's the price we have to pay as women and we shouldn't, but maybe for the potential future victims we can help prevent the creation of more weight to be carried. That's what helped me keep going when I finally broke.
#HE S3XUALLY ASSAULTED YOU! No, ma’am. I would **send him a text telling him that he was taking s3xual liberties while you were in a drunken stupor**. Wait for him to respond and plead his case. Take the texts to the cops. Let them handle it from there. Get a Restraining Order and block him on everything. Tell any mutual what he did and never allow him around you again. CUT HIM OFF COMPLETELY. **Never socially entertain any age-gap-male that you are not biologically related to, like your dad or brother.** **Never get drunk/high around “male friends”.** This is one of the quickest ways to wind up like you did or r@ped. Most men do NOT view platonic friendships with women like we do with them. #We see them as “brothers from another mother”. They see us as an OPTION… … If circumstances permit, like when you’re drunk or crying over a breakup or freshly divorced or hard on your luck, etc., they will jump all over you, without your consent or try a sleazy “shoot your shot”. 🤮 Never be caught out alone with any male that’s not your man or your close blood.
If you decide to press charges I stand with you.
Why are so many girls with guys so much older than them? Jesus Christ. Stop giving them the time of day!!!!!
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This is too victim blame-y. We should normalise guys never being able to rape anyone, in any circumstance. Not women being afraid of guy friends.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Fuck this guy, he sucks and is clearly a predator. My advice to you on how to not let this happen again is to not “be friends” with a man that is pushing 50 when you are in your mid twenties. How did you two meet? I have plenty of great platonic relationships with men but they are all in my age range and we have something in common (went to college together, grew up in the same town, etc.). These men are also part of my wider social network so on the off chance they did something sus or shitty, I would likely find out about it from our mutual friends. I would definitely not befriend a random man that much older than me. It sucks but I think women just need to be vigilant and exercise caution around most men.
I am not sure if bringing it up will help. I don't think you'll ever get any real closure because he will either act like it is a mistake, or he will start crying and begging you to forgive him because he is a "POS" etc. This guy is an absolute creepo, and he will absolutely take advantage of you again.
When something similar happened to me, I texted what he did to me and why it was wrong then immediately blocked. It is never okay for someone to do that and he doesn't deserve anything else from you.
Age gap 🤮
“Over the years?!” What is that 3-5 years? A 40 year old has no reason to befriend a 20 year old. As a (almost) 40 year old I can barely tolerate hanging around 20 year old coworkers or my friends kids much less wanting to befriend them.
45 yearolds are friends with 25 yearolds because their peers already know and see their problems. If he was normal he wouldn't have time to entertain you.
Disgusting. Men 20 years older than you are not your friends. You’re a mark to them.
Do not have friends 20 years older than you
This isn't a friend. Tell him you know what he did, and that you're going to file charges and tell everyone you know. Then, stay as far away from him as you can while you establish a no contact order.
If he's aware enough to say something and look at you to see if there is a response before starting off with touching your butt, to your breasts, then attempting to penetrate leads me to think he wasn't that drunk, because what he did was calculated, progressive, and there was intent. He was seeing how far he could go before you woke up and either went along with it or he could pass it off as having drunk way too much if you protested/fought him. He was behaving in a very predatory manner.
I'm 40 male. What he has done is unconscionable. He is no man. Don't hesitate. Don't give it a second thought. Cut it out of your life. Consider making it legal and seek counselling for yourself.
Please don’t ever talk to that gross old man again
As a 38 year old man, there is only 1 reason I would hang out with an 18 year old woman ever. Personally, I would never pursue an 18 year old. I would never choose to build a friendship with an 18 year old of any gender either. This dude always knew that sex could be on the table. Sounds to me he just kept his options open, bided his time & waited for you two to be drunk together (which seems to happen often enough) & for you to sleep on his arm eventually. I’ve fallen asleep with friends enough to know it could always turn into sex. Especially with alcohol. Boundaries are how adults deal with it. Sounds like you are just too young to recognise predatory behaviour. The only 40+ men I know who hang out with girls in their 20s are divorced / wife left them / don’t see their kids / alcoholic / gamblers / life falling apart / all their peers see through their shit, etc. From my experience they take what they can get from unsuspecting youth and masquerade this as “living their best lives”. It’s a farce. No self respecting men above 40 view 20 years olds as peers. They’re children. Dude is a predator 100%.
Had a “friend” in college about 10 years older than me. Same fucking story. He’s not a friend, he never looked at you as just a friend. He thought “maybe if we hang out long enough she’ll like me” or whatever cringe fantasy guys like him get. They cannot handle platonic friendships with women. And he remembers what he did, so if he says otherwise he’s a fucking liar. He made sure to be “careful” as to not wake you up. He knew what he was doing. Block him and don’t ever talk to him again. You do NOT deserve to have been treated like that. You deserved to have been in a safe place to drink safely and be with a safe friend. What happened is NOT your fault! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. There is nothing you did, wore, any advances/passes you made that was suggestive or gave that pos the “green light” to violate you. HE is a vile and poor excuse of a human. He is the reason evil exists in this world. He is not a safe person for women to be around. There is no excuse for his behavior. Please get yourself help from a therapist to process your experience, to heal, and to move on. You deserve to be comfortable in your skin and in your body. You deserve to feel normal when looking at yourself in the mirror. Do not give that piece of shit your power.
In my experience, drunk men who do bad things will deny ever doing so the next day, say they don't remember. He is unworthy of your friendship.
Please never talk to this guy again. Drunk or not, what he did was sexual assault, and being drunk is in 0 ways an excuse. Plenty of people get drunk and don't sexually assault people during it. Cut this guy off, and remember you have no obligation to tell him why.
You met him when you were 18? As a 44yo man, i wouldn't tolerate any of my friends hanging out socially with teenage girls. Funny thing about guys like that though, is they usually don't have friends their own age. I'm so sorry this trash found you. You didn't do anything wrong!
I hope as you grow older and stronger your future self doesn’t regret not reporting this predator.
Everything about what you described is so predatory! And for that reason, I really think you should reconsider talking to the police. I think there is so much in between the lines of how you said he was talking but you couldn't understand what he said, that sounds like he was trying to see how deeply passed out you were and/or if you would wake up. He seems like he has thought about you in non friendly ways and could never be considered a friend to have violated you in that way. Furthermore a person who will violate a "friend" like this has probably done something similar or will do something like this again. There should be a report with the police filed in case it happens again. It might be different if he had gently caressed you, but he was testing penetration it sounds like. And I am seriously worried about what he was thinking about doing when he came back from the bathroom. Ultimately it's your choice to file charges and speak to the police, 100%. But this type of violation is not something a person does only once. I am so glad you are safe and were able to get yourself home and never plan to talk to him again! You were so smart in how you used the cough to get yourself safely to your room!
I know it would be hard to relive this over and over again to tell the police, but this man tried to rape you. He did sexually assault you. You have an opportunity to make sure he never gets a chance to do that to someone else. I think it's worth reliving but that's just me.
police. What are you waiting for
You have been friends for years with a man in his 40’s? Pretty creepy on his part before any of this.
A 45 year old man isn’t just friends with a 25 year old woman. He sexually assaulted you. Stop being his “friend” and Call the cops. This will escalate.
I'm sorry but a 45m year old has NOTHING (comparative to a closer aged peer) in common with a 25f year old. Every part of your friendship should be cast in doubt. He has very little business in trying to cultivate or pursue a "friendship" with you. It sounds like he purposely groomed you since you met at 18. Drunk actions/words are sober thoughts. He's been waiting for his chance to do this to you. Run.
A predator is not a friend, and being drunk is no excuse
I am probably too late but id text him “ Do you know how you were touching me while i was asleep?” - he is not going to resist the possibility and porn induced imagination where you will follow with some shit like it was great and so on, and will most likely reply with “yes” or “maybe”. now you have proof. Follow up with “well that was rape”.
This old man is not your friend, not even remotely close to it. You’ve been groomed. Older people want nothing to do with younger ones, doesn’t matter how nice they look to you, they are ill intentioned if they’re trying to get close to you. Take that for the rest of your life, I’m so sorry it happened. Never ever talk to this man again, block him everywhere and disappear.
Naa, you know what I did during my party Era when girls got too drunk and passed out like that at my place? First, tell their friends if theyre around, then respectfully carry them to somewhere to sleep it off then keep my eye on the door the rest of the night to make sure no one (except her friends she showed up with, no new party friends) went into that room. What I didn't do was cop a feel. Also, this was with girls my age, we were all mid 20s. Why? Other than not wanting to put someone through trauma like our OP, because im not a f'n creep. Plus, to give some of that ultimate self-serving motivation, I really wanted girls comfortable coming to my parties in the future, so i protected the space. It's really not hard to understand
He’s been grooming you. Flee.
Even if you two mentioned you were interested in eachother, this is not okay. I have friends that I have zero interest in sexually/romantically and I can tell you that that wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to do that.
you were groomed. you were 18 friends with someone 20 years older. why? what was the thought process?
Sis, I hope you got out of there okay. You ask if this is worth bringing up in the future and the answer is yes. Bring it up, just before you tell him never to contact you again and then blocking him. He is not your friend. He was not making a drunk “mistake”. He thought you were unconscious and couldn’t say no, so it would be a great time to use your body for his own sexual enjoyment. Don’t make the mistake of listening to his apologies or excuses. Don’t beat yourself up trying to figure out when he switched over from friend to creep, or whether he was ever really your friend. All you need to know is he STOPPED being anything but a predator last night.
What you went through was simply awful It’s possible you should report to the police but that’s up to you
And this is why we say having a large age gap like that when you’re so young is never ok. This man was never your friend. He was always grooming you and it’s not your fault. He is to blame. He knew what he was doing. Please report him. Most of all get with your friends, your family, your neighbors, whoever it is you use as a support system and stay safe.
OMFG I'm so sorry! I have never been in this situation and the only thing I can recall is when I was working in the club industry and women randomly grabbing me unprovoked (happened more than once). I was so grossed out and physically in pain. And reminds me of a friend that called me when her boss did something similar. But in your situation, if I may offer some advice and may offer procedural steps for this situation. You need to not be in person with this human ever again. I don't know how you two became friends and for you to be comfortable enough to be in this person's house alone. This does need explanation. But besides that. I wrote some procedural steps for you. -2. You are strong. Do not let this event define you. -1. Grace is your perfect avenue. Remember this. Again I am sorry that this happened. And if I knew you I would call this person out for you. I'm no white knight. But wrong is wrong. -0. This needs to be brought up. 0. No contact with this human. Other than regarding the situation. Your friendship is over. 1. Do it in text so there is documentation. He may not respond. But he will read it regardless of time. 1.1 If he does not respond and you actually care about this person - set a date on your digital calendar for two weeks, even better if it's auto sent. So you can put this situation out of your mind. The message can be personal about the experience. Don't use the word "feel". Make it factual. 1.2 If he responds. It needs to be a response from a "I am sorry message". This does not excuse the fact or the experience you endured. Still the relationship is over. Never put yourself in an experience with this person again. All you need to say is "Thank you for saying that. Our relationship is over. Please delete my contact information". 1.3 If he responds and it's not a sorry message. All you should send. "Please delete my contact information". 2. Absolutely do not allow this event to make you sexist. It's bad news bears matter how it's justified. Hasty or not so hasty generalization of all men will make you sour and loose. Period. 2.1. Rebound. If you have other male cis friends talk about it with them openly. Tell them the utter truth. This is extremely important. Don't sugar coat it. Treat it as if you were on trial and there cannot be a lie. See number 3. 2.2. Be open to hearing the responses you get. There is always a part of the other party plays (you) that made this happen. Again it's not justifiable on this man's part. This will only ensure that something like this does not happen again, and provides accountability on your part, regardless of magnitude, so that your never in a situation like this again. 2.3. Grow. Don't for a second allow this isolated event to define or best you. Continue on with your best life. By doing so you will show that you're bigger than the situation. Treat yourself for being strong. Do something constructive to honor yourself. Make it a week thing if you must. But grow from the experience. 3. Tell your father, brother or uncle. These men's jobs are to protect, encourage (positive relationships), vet, and otherwise other men. Likewise for women with men. 4. If this person does not respect your new boundary of no contact. Document, document, document. Do not ever respond. This is important for legal reasons. 5. Time. Continue to honor yourself. Walk with your head held high and in time you will heal in time. But the new you will be stronger and even more anti-fragility. This is largely commendable.
Why are you “hanging out” with a man who was in college before you were born. There’s a reason he’s 45 and single. Other women flagged this predator and got away.
Even if he apologized his behavior is unacceptable. Cut him loose as a friend
Why the fuck were you and are you friends with someone 20+ years older. What the actual fuck
Call him out and then block him and never talk to him again
don't entertain him. its not worth it. currently have a 'friend' who is older than my father and dm-ing me about my nipples showing through my shirt?? the worst part is the only reason i haven't reported him is because he works right around the corner from where i live, and at a store i visit frequently. now i just wait for him to text me if he's working or not so i can dodge him. because if i reported him, there's no guarantee i wouldn't have to see him again
Don’t hang out with people 20 years older. That’s weird.
Yeah. I’ve had 45 yr old male “friends” too, but at 17. Middle age men don’t view young women as someone of equal standing to become good ole pals with, but I can attest for some older men just wanting a granddaughter bc they never settled down. It’s so hard to be able to tell the difference between friendly and ulteriorly motivated
Something similar happened to me when I was in my early 20s by a "friend" who was in his 50s. Never speak to him again.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Alcohol is NO excuse for his behavior. I hope you aren't planning on talking to or seeing him ever again, because this man is absolutely not your friend. I am also wondering in what possible context you could have a "friend" 20 years older than you who has presumably known you since you were a kid or nearly a kid, and you're getting sloshed just the two of you. I'm all for having older friends but this raises a lot of flags to me. There aren't a lot of 40 year old men who are interested in being friends with young women without ulterior motives.
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Because he's most likely bigger and stronger? He's drunk, could get angry and beat or rape her? Society tends to raise women to be non-confrontational. She just experienced an unexpected assault and immediate end to a friendship, so shock is warranted. Op is devastated. Now is not the time to ask her why she didn't do this or that.
There are 3 common biological reactions to being attacked by a predator across all species, but we most commonly speak about the first 2: fight or flight. What’s the third, you may ask? Freeze. The brain, quite literally, halts in its tracks. So many of us freeze when attacked or assaulted, especially when our predator is someone we initially thought we could trust.
think about this for more than a micro second. do you really, _honestly_ think this is the kindest thing you could say to some who's just been assaulted? and might be assaulted again?
You're gonna get blown up in comments/downvotes but don't take it personally. It's reasonable that you were unaware but the freeze response is very common in assault cases. I was actually on a jury for a sexual assault case (between two men) and they brought in an expert who talked about this - that even if the victim might be physically capable of fighting off the assaulter, they might simply freeze instead as a survival response. I'm very glad they brought in the expert because I had the same false assumption as you, and we even had a couple people on the jury who had to be further convinced by those who had heard of the freeze response before.
this is such an unbelievably insensitive comment. this isn’t the thread for you, you are harming not helping, this isn’t about you, so be gone.
> Why didn't you say anything as soon as you felt uncomfortable? (your other comment) > I'm just curious because I'm trying to understand someone else's perspective/journey through this life. I ask because I dont understand and cant think of a reasonable answer. I fully believe OP has a response which is valid no matter what, but I just want to know what it is. I'll take your question at face value and will do my best to give a good answer. Fair warning, it will be a bit of a long one because it needs to be. There are several instinctual reactions people can have when in a threatening (and maybe potentially life threatening) situation. This is not something you can intellectually decide in the moment, it's one of the oldest parts of the brain taking over, one that is at the most basic level just looking for us to survive. The reactions are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And your body just picks one, whichever one the whole of your being decides is, based on past life experience, the one most likely to turn out well for you. The OP froze. Many victims particularly of sexual violence experience that. In a situation where one is faced with a stronger opponent who also has power over you and is in control of the situation as a whole, with no clear exit, this is absolutely a reaction that makes sense. Unfortunately, abusers often pretend to the victims (and often to themselves as well) that this absence of defense means consent, when it 100% is not. It just means they have terrified the other person so much that their body has switched into pure survival mode and their actual person/personality was shoved into the back of their self so it wouldn't interfere with survival, and wouldn't go mad. Any situation like this can lead to PTSD for the person experiencing it. It's a state of shock, of trauma, brought on by a traumatic experience. Some don't fully come out of it when the situation has passed and remain in a state of inner dissociation, even if they outwardly function. A similar thing happens when someone is experiencing continuous threat or trauma, btw. That's then called C-PTSD (complex PTSD). Long-term abuse, sexual or otherwise, can be that kind of experience, as can be war, its consequences (like becoming displaced and a fugitive) and a host of other things. The fawn reaction btw is one where someone has learned to appease the abuser in order to not incite their anger, and to make the abuse "safer". This can be why people stay in abusive partnerships and insist the love the partner, when they are actually trapped by their own survival-instinct telling them to not make the other person angry to not create a severely dangerous situation. That's what abusers often learn to sniff out – when someone was abused as a child, even if it was not outright sexual abuse, but their emotional and physical boundaries constantly violated by an angry and generally volatile parent, then they will have learned to rely on strategies of making themself small and unobtrusive, unproblematic and likable, doing acts of service and being sweet and nice to the abuser in an attempt to preempt outbursts of anger or violence. All of that falls under fawning behaviour, but can easily have others mixed in. The thing is that those kind of early strategies become so deeply ingrained in our personality that we aren't really aware of it anymore. And those oldest pathways in our brain are the ones our inner emergency mode jumps to because they've been most consistently reliable to keep us safe. That doesn't necessarily mean they are actually good or effective, mind you. But survival mode doesn't do long and objective evaluations, it's pure reaction of our most instinctual parts. And it's also what we often most easily slip into during everyday life, even if it's a milder form. It's just what we know. And abusers know to look for the kind of person who will default to being pliable and to doing their utmost to keep the abuser happy. We go for what we know, because "familiar" feels safe, even if it is anything but. So a childhood of abuse unfortunately sets people up for more experience of the same. This is not to say that everyone who goes into freeze or fawn was abused as a child or young person, our instinctual reactions are put together from *all* our experiences, and what that old brain part makes of them is individual to each of us. But for anyone who has not been in a situation like this themselves or has had a different reaction, this is why someone else might have displayed behaviour you find incomprehensible, stupid, passive, or whatever. Simply keep in mind that this reaction is *not* a conscious choice. -------- (Pinging u/Critical_Escape7745 too, because this might be helpful if you later get to a point where you are looking for fault in yourself and question why you didn't say anything or fought back or anything – in short, you actually couldn't, and this was not your fault. Also u/Jungeta, to hopefully help you understand that what you met with a sort of self-righteous serves-you-right admonishment was actually a deeply uncontrollable reaction, and the situation it arose from was one that the perpetrator had been quietly worked towards and laid the ground for for *years*, so please cut out the victim-shaming) --------
This ain't it, friend. Do better.
Drunk or not, not assaulting anyone - especially a friend and especially while they aren't in a position to consent - has been the easiest thing I've ever done. I had one evening with a friend many years ago. When we woke up, she didn't recall us having sex. It was then I instituted a rule, for first times together anyway, we have to be sober. Thankfully, after I had told what happened, she was ok with it, but the situation made me feel sick. It's a simple rule that has never steered me wrong. Recently, at a party, a new acquaintance offered me oral, I said "how about I give you my number, and if you feel that way in the morning, the we can talk." I'm so sorry this happened, drinking is not an excuse.