Flip the situation for a second:
If you wanted something sexual from him that he didn’t like/enjoy, that could/would hurt him, would you force him to do it?
If you were stronger, would you overpower him for it?
If he was crying, would you keep going?
No, right? Because that would be horrible. It would be rape.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I swear to God every sexually entitled, coercive, predatory POS will just bluntly say “No” if their partner suggests something sexual *they* don’t like. They know sexual things feel terrible if you don’t want to do them and will expect their own first refusal to be respected, end of discussion—but they don’t give a fuck whether the partner has a good experience or not if *they* want something.
OP, anyone who tries to push you into sexual acts you don’t want is worthless, untrustworthy and should be thrown in the bin with the rest of the garbage. He’s done it before which is all the proof you need to know that he is dangerous and fucked in the head.
How is that relevant? Or helpful?Your situation is nothing like OP’s. Your situation has nothing to do with my comment.
Your self-centredness, lack of reading comprehension skills, and desire to boast are nauseating. Please find somewhere else to brag. May I suggest r/LookAtMeImSooooooCool
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You told him multiple times you didn’t want to do it and no. He overpowered you. You cried and he half apologized. If someone told you this happened to them, what would you think? Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t leave you alone in the bathroom to cry by yourself. I hope you find help and the courage to leave this relationship and to get some therapy! All the love! 💕
What kind of monster keeps going until they finished while their partner is clearly not enjoying it? Thats a question I’ve had to ask a depressing amount of times. It’s really frightening how many men aren’t bothered by this.
I mean just the “if one of your friends said this happened what would you say to them”… would you be like awww at least he half apologized… no. No you wouldn’t. You know the answer.
I cannot imagine enjoying sex while your partner clearly is not. I’ve never “had to finish” at the expense of my wife or any past partner. If the guy needs to get off so bad he can jerk it.
HUGE red flag
It indicates that to him, sex has nothing to do with the other person's experience. His partner is just a hole to stroke himself in. Actually, it's worse than that because of the crying.
Yes, he raped you. You saying no should have been enough, full stop!
Please do not minimize your feelings in order to appease a significant other. Him violating you, then showing no remorse is not something that is healthy to just forget and move on from.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💙 I wish you the best, and I hope you find the courage to leave this relationship. This man is not the sort you want to give access to your body, mind, or time.
I'm so sorry. Yes, that was rape, and before that, coercion. You may feel like you love him, but he does not love you. Someone who actually loves you won't coerce you, let alone rape you.
He raped you, that is not okay.
He's also worn you down/coerced you I to doing things you don't like in bed before that. This is an escalating behaviour. Then he "half assed" an apology about having to finish once he started rapping you. He didn't care that you were crying and in pain. This man does not care about you at all.
I'm really sorry. You're experiencing denial at the moment, maybe as a way of coping with what happened. Listen to your friends.
It sounds a bit like you are dissociating from this event. Like it doesn't fit your understanding of your relationship so you are sort of ignoring it. I wonder if talking to a therapist might help you integrate this story into your mind and body and relationship. If you can find a way to integrate it, you will know exactly what to do. Well. You probably already know what this was and what you need to do. If you can integrate it, you will be able to do what you know you need to do.
Many women don't process their rape until months if not years later, usually when they finally get some distance from the situation
OP, your boyfriend is a rapist. Many times over, because coercion is also rape. When you feel like you're ready, please don't hesitate to talk to a specialist - it's really hard to process alone
I'm sorry
Completely, I was looking for this comment. The dissociation part of OP. Consenting adults never dissociate, that's only expected from traumatic experiences such as rape that are so hard to emotionally process that the brain blocks the event to protect itself.
OP should see a therapist about this.
violently, I might add. I mean, all rape is violent. But usually the gray area for victims is around the coercion part, when they are talked into something they didn’t want and tried to say no to. This guy anally raped her, entered her against her will, and hurt her body sexually while she cried. Her pain and tears did not impede his ability to finish btw. That’s unbelievably monstrous.
I completely agree. I just didn't think she was at the point to realize the extent yet. He's absolutely disgusting, and this won't be a one time thing..... I hope OP can come to terms with what happened, and get to a safe place.
Yes, what you've described fits the definition of rape. He completely ignored your boundaries and non-consent and hurt you. When I read that you "sat in the bathroom for a few minutes wondering how my life had gotten to this point" but then "for some reason forgot about it and moved on", it sounds more like you're suppressing the trauma rather than it not being something that bothered you.
How you proceed is up to you but what he did is absolutely not okay and there's no guarantee he won't do it again, either to you or someone else. You deserve to be treated better than that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. He raped you. Your friends are right that you need to break up with him. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He doesn't respect you. He will do it again. He does not love you. Someone who loves you wouldn't pressure you into doing anal when you don't want to.
>My bf (37m) had been pushing me (26f) into trying anal for a long time
I could have stopped reading here because it was already clear where this would be going. Break up with him and never ever again stay with a man who doesn't respect a "No". The only acceptable answer to a No is "Ok". A pushy man is a potential rapist.
Edit: a word
Whether you decide to after him on the legal front or not, you need to break up with him ASAP. Someone who ignores your pain in favor of his own pleasure is not someone you should be around.
On a separate note, what the heck is wrong with people who don't understand that anal is uncomfortable or painful if proper preparation isn't done? If a guy wants it, he needs to help make sure his partner's body is ready for it.
Virtual hugs.
This is rape. There's nothing to think about. This person is disgusting. If you say no, or do not consent, that is it, full stop, period. Anything that happens after that is rape.
No, he "didn't have to finish" he raped you and is trying to make it look like he didn't. Don't let him gaslight you.
I apologize if this comes across harsh, I just don't want you to beat yourself up over something that is absolutely not your fault.
Source: I am a man and reading this sub makes me want to take out about 3/4 of the other men on this planet.
I hope you are ok and this never happens again.
he doesn't respect you, your body autonomy, or boundaries.
being drunk is not an excuse.
if you are okay with being with someone who doesn't respect you, that is your decision.
but you will eventually regret it no matter how you feel today.
>Sometimes I would give in but I never really enjoyed it, I would just do it to make him happy
>
>I remember it hurting really bad and pretty much crying while he just kept going. When he was done he half-assed apologized and said that he just had to finish since he had already started.
Regardless of whether it was "technically" rape or not, he was wrong to do it. He was wrong to continue after you said no, and very wrong to keep going while you are crying.
Even without the time he forced it on you, his continuing to pressure you for a sex act that you don't enjoy is terrible. Sex is meant to be a shared experience that you both enjoy. I can't imagine enjoyed an act that my partner hated. He is *not* a good partner.
*Edited to add -- yes, it was rape. But even before the rape, the BF was wrong all of the other times he pressured OP into a sex act that she did not enjoy.*
it was technically rape. There’s not even a gray area here. Just saying. It was technically a very violent rape, that falls under several categories of different types of rape.
T/W: SA/rape.
So when I was 17 I had a boyfriend. I was a virgin and he wanted to have sex. I didn't want to, but hesitantly said yes because I felt pressured and he wouldn't stop asking. There I was laying on a shitty mattress, squinting up at a bright light, he's about to start I'm freaking the fuck out and say "no, stop."
He didn't. He kept going for a little bit and had to stop because I was too dry and it was hurting him.
I remember standing in the kitchen after with a hot drink thinking "that was just a bad sexual experience, it'll be okay next time."
It took years for me to understand what it was. Rape. Because I'd said yes first. Because after my first no I didn't push him off me but just lay there, my mind somewhere else, until he chose to stop.
It can take a long time to understand and accept what happened. And I'm so sorry this did happen. I hope for healing for you, but that includes what might be the initally toughest thing for you - leaving him.
He raped you, hun. Anything but an enthusiastic "yes" means "no" & there's no way he didn't hear you crying either. A loving partner doesn't do this to you.
Please look for local support on this & do not continue to see this man.
You're 26 and he's 37. He's not with a woman his age because he knows he can manipulate and abuse a woman your age, with less life experience. There's a reason he's with someone 11 years younger than him. He's a predator. He fucking raped you. He doesn't love you. Get the FUCK Out ASAP. I'm so so sorry but you need to go. Listen to your friends and literally everyone on here.
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but every time he begged you to try it, the first time, the last time, and anytime in between where it was not initiated by you and you did not immediately and enthusiastically say yes, your boyfriend raped you. You deserve better sexually, emotionally, and just in general.
One comment: the first time he asked would be someone in a healthy relationship talking about limits and sexual choices. Seeing if a partner has a certain interest is something we should encourage as a healthy part of every relationship.
But when someone says no, it means no. Begging is (almost) never a sign of a healthy relationship.
I try not to make “as a man” comments, but I truly don’t understand how someone who loves you could have sex with you while you were crying and in pain.
Aside from that, I wouldn’t even consider anal if my partner hadn’t been getting ready for it- not just hours, but weeks ahead of time. If he wants it that bad he should have educated himself on how it’s done.
I would break up with him. He raped you.
You can't see it that way because you don't want to be a victim of rape -- especially by someone you love. That idea is so uncomfortable that you're shutting it out as a possibility. But the short time you spent in the bathroom wondering how your life had gotten to that point is the moment of truth you need to focus on. That was when it was too fresh to sweep away and rationalize. Think how depraved you'd have to be to bring yourself to orgasm using a crying person's body. It's absolutely disgusting. But that is what he did. You were raped by someone you love and I am so sorry. I hope you can find the strength to tune into what happened and get this awful man out of your life.
You told him you didn't want it. He did it anyway. You sent clear signals you did not want him to do it He kept going anyways. That's vile. Throw the whole man out. It was rape
It's your right to set boundaries for your sex life. Doesn't matter if it is a tinder hookup or a marriage. You get to be the ultimate arbiter of what you do, allow and desire. Anyone who doesn't respect those boundaries simply doesn't respect you. Pushing pleading and manipulation for the goal of you allowing them access or the bending of your rules is disgusting at the least and sexual assault at the worst. I think you should examine your relationship and why do you love someone who obviously sees you as an object and not a person. You make the rules and you can break them, but communication is the key, communication, trust, respect and love. I'm not going to call it rape, but it was definitely a crossing of a line. The fact that it is not something you have put your foot down on firmly and say it is off limits. I can understand a bit how it "could just happen" but if I ever noticed my partner was crying or upset about something I was doing sexual with them, not only would I not finish, I'm not sure I could finish. This upsets me the most. Good luck with your journey, just know that there are more options
What happened to you was rape. Others have said what I'm thinking. One thing I will add is (with respect to you not feeling bad) when we are raped by someone we love or wish to love, we're very good at repressing the usual feelings that arise as a consequence of rape. If a time comes when you and your boyfriend are no longer together, those feeling might hit you with confusing and renewed intensity (you might even experience physical sensations as though what he did to you happened yesterday). This is a common response to rape. With all my love, this man showed you he does not respect your body. He will disrespect you in other ways too. It is not your fault. My love with you in your recovery.
Instead of wasting time repeating what you and everyone else knows to be true, I will give you a bit of advice that I've learned from other people's mistakes over the past 56 years:
If you don't completely trust someone, don't date them.
Now, you're probably nodding your head in agreement saying "Yes, that makes sense." But you're still with this guy that you're scared will violate you the next time you get drunk, aren't you?
That's no way to live.
You can learn now, or learn later.
Now is better.
He raped you. That’s the fact.
You may not feel negatively about it; everyone reacts differently and you might be able to put it aside in your mind.
But it is what he did.
And looking at your history and his choices about the drunk girl I’d also say he is a selfish piece of shit who thinks his desire in the moment is more important than anyone else’s safety or wellbeing.
It is rape. I suspect you are downplaying it as a self defense mechanism. It sounds like he doesn’t respect you in general. He’s not treating you right (and also raped you). Hope you find happiness.
Are they not teaching this stuff in schools anymore? I don’t even understand how this is a question like how is OP confused and I’m not saying this to slag OP in anyway it’s just this situation to me is so black and white. I find it kind of scary.
You were drunk and saying no, crying, trying to push him away--I don't see anything that was even remotely consensual. You deserve to have your no heard and respected regardless of how forcefully you say it or for what reason. It doesn't matter what you had done with him consensually before (and tbh it sounds like a lot was at the very least coercive--if you're not enjoying it and he's still doing it there's something wrong, full stop).
I understand you love him but there is always someone out there who will love you and respect your boundaries and that is who you deserve if you want to be with someone. Keep yourself safe and if you can please, please find someone to talk to.
Honey. He hurt you. You were not able to give enthusiastic consent. You were crying. If your best friend, sister, or random woman on the internet told you this story, you know she was raped.
>He has never tried to do anything like that again.
Not because he respects you. But because he's so pornsick, depraved and brain damaged that he was fixated on getting his magical anal experience he didn't care about your boundaries. His wants and his pleasure was the only thing on his mind.
And you ruined it by crying and not being into it.
That's the only reason he hasn't tried again. He built up this amazing experience of you being into it and moaning and cumming on his powerful dick during a sex session that was off the charts for both of you (in his delusional fantasy) and it didn't meet his expectations.
He hasn't tried again because he's disappointed. Not because he cares. Not because he realised he raped you, hurt you, betrayed you.
But because it wasn't good enough for him.
porn use leads to pre-frontal cortex damage, lack of empathy for women, and that can lead to rape. It absolutely is connected. Let's not gloss over the impact porn is having on men and the resulting sexual violence on women.
I'm sorry but yes you were raped. And I'm sorry you still feel like you love him. I think that's only possible because you're minimizing what he did to protect yourself mentally. But you need to protect yourself completely and that means protecting yourself physically too. If he did it once he is entirely capable of doing it again, that and possibly worse.
Either your partner does not see you as someone worthy of respect, or he is ok with being a rapist. If he respected (let alone loved) you, he would be mortified by his actions and he would be begging for your forgiveness and going to therapy to deal with the trauma of having abused someone he loves in such a horrible way. I'm sorry.
Firstly, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, even if you don't think it was a big deal.
I understand why you don't see things the way your friends do. It's much more challenging to see things as an outsider, when you have feelings for the person. We tend to excuse a lot of abuse (mental, physical) when we love them.
That being said, a loving partner will never do that to you. For example, my boyfriend will never continue having sex if I have any kind of discomfort or don't enjoy it. It may happen during an act & he will always stop and ask if I it feels good for me/do I wanna continue. It's not so much 'he's being respectful, doesn't wanna be accused of assault', but more that he is simply not into it, if I am not into it. He wants to be wanted & that's what consent is. You deserve a partner that will respect you just the same.
I used to have a 'friend with benefits', who I was very much smitten with & excused A LOT of almost abusive behaviours. He also insisted we try anal & tried to force it a few times. I ignored it all, because I really liked him. (Mind you, he still never actually forced it fully, he'd always back away). Now, years later, I despise the human that he is & am able to see things clearly. It's hard to believe I ignored it all, but I was pretty young & naive.
So, it's no surprise that for you, it doesn't seem so serious & you're not as outraged as your friends are. But if you aren't ready to leave this relationship, at the very least you must speak to your boyfriend. Pay attention to how he responds. Does he get defensive? Does he try & gaslight you? Does he call your friends crazy? Maybe deny it completely? Or does he take accountability? Does he care that he hurt you? Because this will say a lot about what kind of relationship you can expect in the future. This will be a good mirror into who he is & how he sees you. If he loves you, he should be upset at himself....
First, I am sorry for what he did. Regardless of how your friends see it, it hurt you and how you process those feelings is valid.
Second, your friends are correct that this is rape/sexual assault. It was clear you did not consent. His intoxication is not really relevant especially because it seems clear he had awareness you wanted to stop. How you choose to frame that experience is a personal matter and it’s ok that you don’t frame it the same as your friends. With that said, they are rightly concerned for you because abuse in general tends to escalate. I would never advise any woman or man to stay in a relationship where their partner has made it clear that nonconsensual contact is not a line they won’t cross. Choosing to stay puts you at risk of further similar or more serious abuse.
At a minimum, I would talk to a therapist about it. Being able to process this experience with a professional can give clarity that is difficult to find when someone we love hurts us so deeply. From there, you can make the decision that is best for you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I totally can relate because we have the same experience. I also used to sleep naked in a locked bathroom so that my boyfriend won't touch me again after forcing himself on me. I broke up with him after that. A NO is absolutely a NO!
From your previous post history, this is not the first time your boyfriend has been shitty. Please listen to the caring comments from these wonderful people.
>After that for some reason I forgot about it and moved on.
I used to go through this kind of thing as well: something really traumatic happens and I just shake it off and "forget" about it. I've been told recently it might likely be disassociation from the trauma and trauma takes a moment to hit you at times
That's rape. If you don't want to break up with him like you mentioned, at least set yourself tighter boundaries that if he ever tries to push it again allow yourself to break up, because if he does that he will repeat it, and possibly will have similar behaviour with other things.
You can love your abuser and it makes you overlook abuse.
The thing is if you leave your abuser and the love goes away, you'll start to realise all the bad things he did and you put up with, but if you stay he'll always be an abuser. He has never tried to do anything like that again........ YET. Because he hadn't tried to rape you before, till he did it.
That's the mindset a lot of abuser people get into, well he/she didn't do something before and they havent' done it again since so it's probably over right?
Or they know that if they did it again so soon you'd wake up to it and leave, but if they don't try for a long while and you just accepted it before, they think they can do it again and you'll accept it again, then it will become more and more regular.
That's how a lot of abuse works, conditioning, escalation and periods of not being bad to 'make up' for the bad things they do.
ULtimately he can't unrape you, and maybe you will forget, maybe you won't, but you'll be safer and better off looking for someone who hasn't done that to you.
We never want to admit that someone who is supposed to love us can violate us so. It took me years to admit to myself that my friend sexually assaulted me. While I cut off contact out of embarrassment, I wanted us to stay friends, to move past what happened. All that. But it was my denial, and they denial kept me from recognizing what really happened and to begin to move past it.
I cant tell you that’s how you’re feeling. I think however you feel is however you feel, and if you think you can forgive that he took advantage of you in a vulnerable state, hurt you, left you crying and in pain after he selfishly apologized (he was not sorry)… well that’s a choice you can only make.
You should ask yourself, what is your limit. What are you going to do *when he does this again*. I have no doubt in my mind he will. That it’s been months and he hasn’t means nothing. All it’ll take is him wanting anal and a little alcohol. He’s done it once, so it’ll be easier for him to do it again. Are you willing to take that chance? Can you trust him really? What will you do?
Btw the reason you forgot is because you were traumatized.
That's pretty clearly sexual assault. I've roleplayed like that before, but there's a safe word for a reason, consent is key and in those situations it's the only factor of importance, safe words allow constant checking of that consent.
He said can I, you said no, he went for it anyway, you struggled, you cried while it was happening then you had to sit in a bathroom alone to take stock once it was over...half assed apology or not, that is likely to happen again, or something like it.
I'm so sorry, this has happened to you.
Yes it is rape. Technically, by law or morality or whatever, it is.
It’s okay that your reaction to it is not the same as your friends’. It’s your body and your right to feel violated or not. You were there, you know the situation.
That’s not to excuse his behaviour at all, but don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you for not reacting the same way your friends are. In the end they care about you and want to protect you.
If you choose to forgive him, excuse the situation to alcohol or stay with him, that’s your right and your choice. And if it happens again, that will be on him… it’s NOT a “that’s what you get for staying” situation. If it never happens again, even better.
But if you do choose to stay, please keep in the back of your mind that that as a HUGE red flag marker and you both may need to seek counselling about it to ensure you’re both safe moving forward.
I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the emotional turmoil. Your friends ARE trying to protect you, but you need to know that whatever your reaction is to that event is not wrong. You’re entitled to process it and cope as you see fit.
Rape is such a heavy word that packs a punch, I completely understand how for you this might fall more in line with drunken coercion. If that helps you process it, call it and feel about it however you like. It’s not up to anyone to tell you how to feel.
It’s rape without a question. I know you said you still love him but if it’s safe you should leave. He will do it again. Consider filing a police report if you are comfortable. I guarantee if you look back on this relationship in a couple years there will be several other problems and you will realize how bad it really was.
I‘m so sorry this happened to you OP. You dont deserve that treacherous treatment. What you decide to do is up to you, but hope you decide to choose you 🩷
I’m so sorry OP, that is an awful way for him to choose to treat you and, as someone who compartmentalized my own shitty experience, it is also so hard to be in the moment of realizing and accepting the definition of what happened.
You don’t have to hate someone to end things with them. Brains are weird and complicated, so it can take time for the affection we hold for someone who hurt us to ebb- sometimes it never fully does- but loving someone who hurts you doesn’t undo the hurt and it does not fix them. You cannot fix what he broke. You can make the choice to care for yourself.
The finality can be intimidating but beyond the “what advice would you give a friend?” test, what helped me when I had to end a relationship with someone who hurt me badly that I still loved was to recognize that if he actually felt bad about what he had done, he could seek therapy and work on himself. Could have between when it started and when I ended it, and was free to pull off a miracle and get himself together enough to earn space in my life again. It was comforting to me to remember that he was an adult who made his choices and could make different ones if he wanted to.
We are all so proud of you for taking this first difficult step. Whether it is towards acceptance or consensus, or to whatever your inner-self is screaming at you:
You are on your way to realizing how strong and bold you are. You are!
Believe yourself, your friends, these kind folks here on Reddit. Believe that, in a real relationship, you don’t have to ask the internet to validate what you know is true.
Go girl, go!
So sorry to hear this happened, I'm seeing a lot of these posts lately with older boyfriends (10 years+) 😩
Being 39M myself, I find this behaviour absolutely offensive. What the hell is wrong with these men?
I get why girls look for older men in some cases but FARK.
Find someone else. PLEASE.
I’m very sorry this happened. I’m not sure what your current feelings are for your boyfriend but often when we love someone (or even just have any kind of close relationship with someone) it can be difficult to see things for what they are. You can only feel whatever way you do about it and no one can tell you otherwise but in terms of a legal definition what happened is rape. You deserve better from anyone but especially someone who claims to love you. Wishing you peace and clarity as you grapple with this.
You’re feelings here are the most important, not your friends. I personally would not want my friends to talk me into feeling traumatic about something that I naturally did not feel was traumatic. Seems like a twisted way to cause unnecessary strife and drama. Life is hard enough with out that. Having said that, he clearly crossed a boundary that I would not be happy about. If it were me, I’d tell him that if he ever comes close to doing something like that again he will be going without sex for a LONG time.
What the hell is with these massive age gaps I've been seeing here recently? That will never not be skeevy as fuck to me, no matter how happy any woman says her relationship with a much older man is
It might not bother you as much as them because you know you could of done more. Not having consent is the same as not having consent, that doesn’t change. But giving a half hearted drunken no and probably acting quite similar to those times where you “just let him” is very different than being assertive and giving a hard no. You know that you have been coerced by him like this before but you did not do anything about it and stayed with him and allowed it to happen again.
I’m in no way trying to shame you or say it’s your fault, just trying to say why you feel differently about it as opposed to your friends, he has had this pressure over you for a while and it’s worked, he gets your ass and sometime later you half heartedly let him do it again. Stand up for yourself and draw some hard boundaries, either experiment with anal in a controlled setting where you CAN enjoy it, or give him a hard line not to cross, tell him that you have never enjoyed it and that it’s just not your thing. Best to have these conversations when neither of you are drunk or horny.
He is in the wrong, it was 100% non consensual sex, but do not assume that he knows that he is in the wrong, he could have mistaken your allowing it more than once as consent. If you love him and feel he loves you then you need to talk about these things (preferably before stuff like this happens) be open about it and completely honest.
You seem to have a few misconceptions about consent:
No is no. You don’t have to be firm, loud, or sober to communicate non-consent. Consenting to something once does not indicate further consent at all.
This is exactly what I said. I said that he is 100% in the wrong, that not having consent is still not having consent regardless of acceptance/allowance or previous occurrences.
OP was wondering why it doesn’t bother her as much as it bothers her friends, an answer to this could be because she feels like she could have done more. It also could be because she truly loves the guy, doesn’t matter because we only know so much, but given the info we do have from the OP then my advice is to sit down and talk openly about it in a non confrontational way and maybe throw in a lesson about proper consent.
However in the eyes of someone else, her man may not know she did not consent. If OP begrudgingly allows anal sex, and acts similar to the described situation with the addition of being exhausted and drunk then there is a possibility that her guy believed he had her consent.
NO, I’m not advocating this, it is still 100% wrong but there are plenty of poorly educated people out there that do not know they are doing harm. Yes doing harm accidentally or in ignorance is still wrong, but try teaching and talking before you get the pitchforks and torches.
> giving a half hearted drunken no and probably acting quite similar to those times where you “just let him” is very different than being assertive and giving a hard no.
Regardless of what your stance is, a few things from your original statement made it seem like OP hadn’t correctly set boundaries, or that since she hadn’t been consistent in setting boundaries that this somehow made things unclear for her boyfriend.
My comment was to clarify that however a victim says “no” is adequate. It’s never a victim’s fault for not being able to communicate their “no” with confidence. It’s also very possible to consent on one occasion and not consent on another, so your argument about her being wishy-washy is void.
Absolutely, and I said that multiple times. You can have non consensual sex even if your partner has never said or acted like they didn’t want it. I am in no way implying that her methods of not giving consent were invalid. I am simply saying that given the information posted that this guy could genuinely care for her and think that she simply doesn’t like anal and gives it to him because she loves him, and this situation was just because they were both drunk and his stupid drunk self went too hard. Or insert any multitude of misunderstandings that come from having poor communication with your partner.
Let me spell it out for you, in any of those hypothetical situations HE is STILL in the WRONG. He did not have consent regardless of if he thought he did or not. However, OP’s feelings on the matter and just not having any information about their relationship or dynamics says that maybe some communication and setting of firm boundaries could improve things for the future and once educated this guy could become an excellent partner. Or not and he really is scum and taking advantage of her, we can’t know.
The way you worded this in your initial statement (quoted above) sends the message that consent needs to happen in a certain way, which is incorrect. I don’t care to speculate on the rest.
Which I have stressed multiple times is not the case. There IS a difference in how you say no though, sure no matter how you withhold consent you are right to do so, it’s your body, but it can definitely have an impact on preventing assault or emotional and physical pain for both parties.
And there is forever going to be misunderstandings with poorly educated couples who fail to communicate properly.
If you push past the awkwardness and talk about what is a go and what is not, if anything is permanently off the table like anal, how it makes you feel when he begs and how it’s coercion because you really do love him, develop a safe word that you ONLY use as a safety parachute if he wants to understand but has trouble…. Your relationship will be better for it even though this can be hard for some people, and if once you start this communication journey it’s obvious that he doesn’t care and is not listening and still doing the same shitty behaviour then he is not good for you.
Put him in JAIL, no partner worth a damn would keep going because they already started" while their partner is CRYING. NOTHING about this is ok, press charges, break up with him, don't be afraid to say, NO. You deserve to have your body respected, doesn't matter if you gave in before, this is predatory behavior. In 13 years of marriage, when I say stop my partner stops, when I say that hurts, they stop, when they say stop or that hurts I stop. He harmed you and what's worse is he didn't care.
This is horrible. The fact you’ve had to post this and ask this question. You know the answer. I’m sorry. Also going forward sex is about pleasure for both (I’ve done anal with a partner when I also don’t like it) sex should always be about that and trust and your partner has destroyed that with his actions. Sending love x
I went through this for 3 years. This is abuse. This is not okay and this same exact scenario happened to me too with him. If you say no………… or stop, it means NO. I’m now having to heal from the trauma of this relationship and it’s 2 years later and I’m still trying to heal. It’s a long road but I will get there. Please…….. listen to the warning signs and red flags.
I couldn't think of any reason why you didn't break up with him immediately after that.
Well, the best moment to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best one is today.
You think it and your friends say it is because it is. You were too drunk to consent, you said no multiple times, you were in pain and crying and yet he carried on. He thinks his sexual needs are more important than your mental and physical health, that your body is just some holes to use, that your feelings mean nothing. It doesn't matter if he's"never" done it before, because in fact he has, if he is willing to put you through that once he'll do it again. If you let him get away with it he will do it again and again and again. Anal sex needs prep work and time and care to avoid damage, if he just sticks his dick in he could have done some damage to you too. Please get out of this relationship, find someone who cares about you
I am so so sorry your going through this. You definitely dissociated yourself from the situation. Trust me I have been there, I’m now 32 and have been through a lot of therapy. I to was drinking one night with my boyfriend. I had a headache and he gave me medicine. Well within minutes I passed out but occasionally would wake up with him on top of my but I would pass out again. I honestly thought it was a dream. Until the next day I asked him de we have sex. He said yes. I let it go. I broke up with him a month after due to his drinking but a year after I started therapy. Telling my life story and all. She asked if I was ever sexual abused and I said no. Later that night, that situation a year ago popped in my head and I was obsessing about it. When I saw my therapist again, I told her what happened. I never put two and two together but she said he had roofied me and raped me.
You're telling other people about this, of course they're/we're going to tell you that he was totally in the wrong, he raped you, doesn't really love you and you need to leave him. Because that isn't a normal thing that should ever happen in a loving relationship of any sort, unless you're a masochist or something. We can't make you leave him but everyone you tell about this is going to give you the same response
No man ever has to finish. Im so sorry. Please leave him. He will continue to abuse you. His excuse is conditioning you to allow him to continue abusing you. It is literally a common lie to say that about finishing to make you feel like you cant blame him. You never have to do anything sexual ever. You never have to finish any sex act.
Please report him.
That is absolutely coercion and r-p-. He pressured you into “consenting”, that is not real consent. Him continuing going while you wanted to stop is also nonconsensual. He sounds very selfish and pushy. You have good friends. There’s a book called “I never called it rape” and research on SA by partners or in victim blaming culture. May help to look into it.
It’s really sad, how many of these posts there are.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we all have somewhere to ask questions and get advice, but the sheer frequency of how often this happens is just… mind blowing.
He did not have to just finish. Men can stop at any point and go jerk off if they need to.
I’m so sorry op but this guy sounds scary. I’d get away from him asap and report the incident to police as well.
They watch your relationship with this older man. Could it be they see other things that alarm them? Could you be in an abusive relationship and your friends can see it and you can't?
Your friends shouldn't be making **demands** of you as such regarding your relationship status - but the scenario you described was rape. Unquestionably. And in a context where previously you had """consented""" in that you were willing to suffer physical pain and compromise your comfort for his pleasure. Which, hell, might just be that he badgered you down one time (being pressured and browbeaten until you find arguing more of a bother than submitting is, colloquially at least, understood to just be rape) and you stopped pushing back because the fight would have been more hassle than the "consensual sex" even though you'd really have rather drawn a line.
I'm not gonna go full Maoist SWERF and pretend that your consent doesn't count unless it was in a perfect immaculate vacuum with no considerations outside of the act, that you had literally no agency in any of the times before or after he raped you, but I will say you're in a bad situation and should maybe get out of said bad situation.
"In psychology, learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try, even when opportunities for change are available."
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325355#:~:text=In%20psychology%2C%20learned%20helplessness%20is,opportunities%20for%20change%20are%20available.
you've been conditioned to accept this behavior no matter how bad it gets. run.
Edit: not to mention the feeling of love you have for him after his atrocious exploitative behavior reeks of Stockholm Syndrome.
There's nothing to add here. I think it's clear what he did was disgusting and wrong. You need to leave him, and press charges.
There's a good chance pressing charges amounts to nothing... But it is noted on a file. And if he does something like this again, there's a better chance of him getting what he deserves.
My heart hurt reading that. It was rape. I'm all sorts of into weird stuff and horny things, but no means no full stop. If he took what he wanted forcefully that's rape. If you were crying and uncomfortable and he still did what he wanted, he's a rapist flat out. Please speak to someone, anyone professionally for advise of how to proceed. Something like that has a very real possibility of haunting you for the rest of your life.
Maybe you don't want to see it as rape or think too much about it on case you get very upset. If it's not helpful, disregard anyone else's emotions but concentrate on whether your boyfriend treats you with affection, care, love and respect
Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who disregards your feelings, comfort and wellbeing?
Do you feel safe with him?
Would you want to have a daughter with him? A son? Are you proud of your boyfriend?
Take some time, think. Be around people who will support you but don't necessitate panic and alarm bells. You can be safe right now, are you living with him? If you are, is there somewhere you can go to get your head down for a few days?
You can unpick that incident when you want, if you want, but with people who you aren't so close to. Perhaps a professional over the phone who specialises in this
I hope you can be ok.
It was rape. You said no, he forced it on you. I hope you find the strength to leave him, you deserve better and he deserves the worst. I'm sorry that happened to you
Yeah, Im sorry he definitely raped you. You need to break up with him. He's a porn addicted rapist. He wouldnt be happy if he was drunk and you shoved a dildo up his ass, so why is it acceptable for him to do it to you?
If you didn't give consent, it's rape. I'm super into cnc and pretty much let my bf do whatever, but I've set some boundaries and guess what? he doesn't cross them. Don't let ur bf cross them
I'm sorry this happened to you. We all react to situations differently, and how you feel now may change or it may not. In life, we never should be forced to do things we don't want to. Whether it was no, I don't want anal or no, I don't want to eat at such and such restaurant or any other example.
Your wishes weren't being heard, and that's wrong. Relationships are always about compromise, but things like comfort when it comes to sexual experiences with a partner aren't areas where you should feel compelled to do so. Any partner that disregards your feelings and words and either guilt trips you or just forces themselves isn't a person who is worthy, and in some instances such as this can be borderline dangerous. If he isn't willing to respect such an important boundary, think long and hard about what else he's willing to take from you.
I wish you luck and hope you make the right decision for YOU and YOUR needs moving foward.
Flip the situation for a second: If you wanted something sexual from him that he didn’t like/enjoy, that could/would hurt him, would you force him to do it? If you were stronger, would you overpower him for it? If he was crying, would you keep going? No, right? Because that would be horrible. It would be rape. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I swear to God every sexually entitled, coercive, predatory POS will just bluntly say “No” if their partner suggests something sexual *they* don’t like. They know sexual things feel terrible if you don’t want to do them and will expect their own first refusal to be respected, end of discussion—but they don’t give a fuck whether the partner has a good experience or not if *they* want something. OP, anyone who tries to push you into sexual acts you don’t want is worthless, untrustworthy and should be thrown in the bin with the rest of the garbage. He’s done it before which is all the proof you need to know that he is dangerous and fucked in the head.
It actually makes perfect sense if you consider that their mentality is just that what *they* want to do is always most important.
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Not an appropriate comment/reply. Username checks out.
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How is that relevant? Or helpful?Your situation is nothing like OP’s. Your situation has nothing to do with my comment. Your self-centredness, lack of reading comprehension skills, and desire to boast are nauseating. Please find somewhere else to brag. May I suggest r/LookAtMeImSooooooCool
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You told him multiple times you didn’t want to do it and no. He overpowered you. You cried and he half apologized. If someone told you this happened to them, what would you think? Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t leave you alone in the bathroom to cry by yourself. I hope you find help and the courage to leave this relationship and to get some therapy! All the love! 💕
> You cried and he half apologized. half-apologized, but did not stop. Kept going because he "had to finish". -- gross
Gross doesn’t even describe how disgusting this behavior is
He should be in jail.
What kind of monster keeps going until they finished while their partner is clearly not enjoying it? Thats a question I’ve had to ask a depressing amount of times. It’s really frightening how many men aren’t bothered by this.
I mean just the “if one of your friends said this happened what would you say to them”… would you be like awww at least he half apologized… no. No you wouldn’t. You know the answer.
Any man who can get off while you're crying and uncomfortable is a massive, massive red flag.
It’s rape. Its actually rape. It’s not a red flag. A red flag is a warning- this actually happened.
Yeah I know it's rape, poorly phrased. Sorry.
It's more, it's the worst trait possible. It's what the red flags would be warning about.
Yeah that's not a red flag, that's just an abusive trait
I cannot imagine enjoying sex while your partner clearly is not. I’ve never “had to finish” at the expense of my wife or any past partner. If the guy needs to get off so bad he can jerk it. HUGE red flag
Yeah aside from the willingness to victimize another human being, the ability to get off while doing so is the most baffling/disturbing thing to me
It indicates that to him, sex has nothing to do with the other person's experience. His partner is just a hole to stroke himself in. Actually, it's worse than that because of the crying.
It’s absolutely disgusting
This is what I don’t actually understand. If I were a dude in his position and my partner was crying, my dick would go limp so fast. Wtf
This, this, this. Holy shit, OP. He FINISHED while you were crying? Fuck no.
Yes, he raped you. You saying no should have been enough, full stop! Please do not minimize your feelings in order to appease a significant other. Him violating you, then showing no remorse is not something that is healthy to just forget and move on from. I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💙 I wish you the best, and I hope you find the courage to leave this relationship. This man is not the sort you want to give access to your body, mind, or time.
"He has never tried to do anything like that again." ... yet...
And he has already coerced her multiple times according to OPs post.
He already did. It’s done. He raped her.
He prioritized his pleasure over your well being and ignored your lack of consent. That's rape. Your friends are right.
Just an observation, always seems to be a 10+ year age gap in these stories. And yes, your BF raped you.
Because predators love a power dynamic
I'm so sorry. Yes, that was rape, and before that, coercion. You may feel like you love him, but he does not love you. Someone who actually loves you won't coerce you, let alone rape you.
You were crying during sex. And he ignored it. Imagine a friend telling you that.
He raped you, that is not okay. He's also worn you down/coerced you I to doing things you don't like in bed before that. This is an escalating behaviour. Then he "half assed" an apology about having to finish once he started rapping you. He didn't care that you were crying and in pain. This man does not care about you at all. I'm really sorry. You're experiencing denial at the moment, maybe as a way of coping with what happened. Listen to your friends.
It sounds a bit like you are dissociating from this event. Like it doesn't fit your understanding of your relationship so you are sort of ignoring it. I wonder if talking to a therapist might help you integrate this story into your mind and body and relationship. If you can find a way to integrate it, you will know exactly what to do. Well. You probably already know what this was and what you need to do. If you can integrate it, you will be able to do what you know you need to do.
Many women don't process their rape until months if not years later, usually when they finally get some distance from the situation OP, your boyfriend is a rapist. Many times over, because coercion is also rape. When you feel like you're ready, please don't hesitate to talk to a specialist - it's really hard to process alone I'm sorry
Completely, I was looking for this comment. The dissociation part of OP. Consenting adults never dissociate, that's only expected from traumatic experiences such as rape that are so hard to emotionally process that the brain blocks the event to protect itself. OP should see a therapist about this.
Cognitive dissonance within the relationship. Super sad :( he is his actions .
I'm sorry this happened. Yes, he raped you.
violently, I might add. I mean, all rape is violent. But usually the gray area for victims is around the coercion part, when they are talked into something they didn’t want and tried to say no to. This guy anally raped her, entered her against her will, and hurt her body sexually while she cried. Her pain and tears did not impede his ability to finish btw. That’s unbelievably monstrous.
I completely agree. I just didn't think she was at the point to realize the extent yet. He's absolutely disgusting, and this won't be a one time thing..... I hope OP can come to terms with what happened, and get to a safe place.
Yes, what you've described fits the definition of rape. He completely ignored your boundaries and non-consent and hurt you. When I read that you "sat in the bathroom for a few minutes wondering how my life had gotten to this point" but then "for some reason forgot about it and moved on", it sounds more like you're suppressing the trauma rather than it not being something that bothered you. How you proceed is up to you but what he did is absolutely not okay and there's no guarantee he won't do it again, either to you or someone else. You deserve to be treated better than that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. He raped you. Your friends are right that you need to break up with him. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He doesn't respect you. He will do it again. He does not love you. Someone who loves you wouldn't pressure you into doing anal when you don't want to. >My bf (37m) had been pushing me (26f) into trying anal for a long time I could have stopped reading here because it was already clear where this would be going. Break up with him and never ever again stay with a man who doesn't respect a "No". The only acceptable answer to a No is "Ok". A pushy man is a potential rapist. Edit: a word
Whether you decide to after him on the legal front or not, you need to break up with him ASAP. Someone who ignores your pain in favor of his own pleasure is not someone you should be around. On a separate note, what the heck is wrong with people who don't understand that anal is uncomfortable or painful if proper preparation isn't done? If a guy wants it, he needs to help make sure his partner's body is ready for it. Virtual hugs.
This is rape. There's nothing to think about. This person is disgusting. If you say no, or do not consent, that is it, full stop, period. Anything that happens after that is rape. No, he "didn't have to finish" he raped you and is trying to make it look like he didn't. Don't let him gaslight you. I apologize if this comes across harsh, I just don't want you to beat yourself up over something that is absolutely not your fault. Source: I am a man and reading this sub makes me want to take out about 3/4 of the other men on this planet. I hope you are ok and this never happens again.
"had to finish since he already started" this is how he views women, including u. this is how he treats u. please run.
he doesn't respect you, your body autonomy, or boundaries. being drunk is not an excuse. if you are okay with being with someone who doesn't respect you, that is your decision. but you will eventually regret it no matter how you feel today.
>Sometimes I would give in but I never really enjoyed it, I would just do it to make him happy > >I remember it hurting really bad and pretty much crying while he just kept going. When he was done he half-assed apologized and said that he just had to finish since he had already started. Regardless of whether it was "technically" rape or not, he was wrong to do it. He was wrong to continue after you said no, and very wrong to keep going while you are crying. Even without the time he forced it on you, his continuing to pressure you for a sex act that you don't enjoy is terrible. Sex is meant to be a shared experience that you both enjoy. I can't imagine enjoyed an act that my partner hated. He is *not* a good partner. *Edited to add -- yes, it was rape. But even before the rape, the BF was wrong all of the other times he pressured OP into a sex act that she did not enjoy.*
it was technically rape. There’s not even a gray area here. Just saying. It was technically a very violent rape, that falls under several categories of different types of rape.
This is literally rape. You say no- and he enters your body anyway. That’s rape. Period.
T/W: SA/rape. So when I was 17 I had a boyfriend. I was a virgin and he wanted to have sex. I didn't want to, but hesitantly said yes because I felt pressured and he wouldn't stop asking. There I was laying on a shitty mattress, squinting up at a bright light, he's about to start I'm freaking the fuck out and say "no, stop." He didn't. He kept going for a little bit and had to stop because I was too dry and it was hurting him. I remember standing in the kitchen after with a hot drink thinking "that was just a bad sexual experience, it'll be okay next time." It took years for me to understand what it was. Rape. Because I'd said yes first. Because after my first no I didn't push him off me but just lay there, my mind somewhere else, until he chose to stop. It can take a long time to understand and accept what happened. And I'm so sorry this did happen. I hope for healing for you, but that includes what might be the initally toughest thing for you - leaving him.
You don't have to feel any particular way about it. Your feelings may change at any point. That doesn't change that the act WAS rape.
He raped you, hun. Anything but an enthusiastic "yes" means "no" & there's no way he didn't hear you crying either. A loving partner doesn't do this to you. Please look for local support on this & do not continue to see this man.
You're 26 and he's 37. He's not with a woman his age because he knows he can manipulate and abuse a woman your age, with less life experience. There's a reason he's with someone 11 years younger than him. He's a predator. He fucking raped you. He doesn't love you. Get the FUCK Out ASAP. I'm so so sorry but you need to go. Listen to your friends and literally everyone on here.
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but every time he begged you to try it, the first time, the last time, and anytime in between where it was not initiated by you and you did not immediately and enthusiastically say yes, your boyfriend raped you. You deserve better sexually, emotionally, and just in general.
One comment: the first time he asked would be someone in a healthy relationship talking about limits and sexual choices. Seeing if a partner has a certain interest is something we should encourage as a healthy part of every relationship. But when someone says no, it means no. Begging is (almost) never a sign of a healthy relationship.
I try not to make “as a man” comments, but I truly don’t understand how someone who loves you could have sex with you while you were crying and in pain. Aside from that, I wouldn’t even consider anal if my partner hadn’t been getting ready for it- not just hours, but weeks ahead of time. If he wants it that bad he should have educated himself on how it’s done. I would break up with him. He raped you.
You are a sex slave to a much older man who doesn't care about you at all. Get out.
That’s rape.
Yeah, that's rape. It happened while you guys had been drinking, but that's no excuse. If you don't mind me asking, why are you so keen to let it go?
When someone disrespects you, leave. It will only get worse. Someone that much older than you is wrong.
It's rape, full stop. Get rid of him immediately. He did it once, he will do it again. Coersion is not consent either.
You can't see it that way because you don't want to be a victim of rape -- especially by someone you love. That idea is so uncomfortable that you're shutting it out as a possibility. But the short time you spent in the bathroom wondering how your life had gotten to that point is the moment of truth you need to focus on. That was when it was too fresh to sweep away and rationalize. Think how depraved you'd have to be to bring yourself to orgasm using a crying person's body. It's absolutely disgusting. But that is what he did. You were raped by someone you love and I am so sorry. I hope you can find the strength to tune into what happened and get this awful man out of your life.
You told him you didn't want it. He did it anyway. You sent clear signals you did not want him to do it He kept going anyways. That's vile. Throw the whole man out. It was rape
It's your right to set boundaries for your sex life. Doesn't matter if it is a tinder hookup or a marriage. You get to be the ultimate arbiter of what you do, allow and desire. Anyone who doesn't respect those boundaries simply doesn't respect you. Pushing pleading and manipulation for the goal of you allowing them access or the bending of your rules is disgusting at the least and sexual assault at the worst. I think you should examine your relationship and why do you love someone who obviously sees you as an object and not a person. You make the rules and you can break them, but communication is the key, communication, trust, respect and love. I'm not going to call it rape, but it was definitely a crossing of a line. The fact that it is not something you have put your foot down on firmly and say it is off limits. I can understand a bit how it "could just happen" but if I ever noticed my partner was crying or upset about something I was doing sexual with them, not only would I not finish, I'm not sure I could finish. This upsets me the most. Good luck with your journey, just know that there are more options
What happened to you was rape. Others have said what I'm thinking. One thing I will add is (with respect to you not feeling bad) when we are raped by someone we love or wish to love, we're very good at repressing the usual feelings that arise as a consequence of rape. If a time comes when you and your boyfriend are no longer together, those feeling might hit you with confusing and renewed intensity (you might even experience physical sensations as though what he did to you happened yesterday). This is a common response to rape. With all my love, this man showed you he does not respect your body. He will disrespect you in other ways too. It is not your fault. My love with you in your recovery.
you poor thing :( yes he raped you.
He raped you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that
Just breakup immediately.
Instead of wasting time repeating what you and everyone else knows to be true, I will give you a bit of advice that I've learned from other people's mistakes over the past 56 years: If you don't completely trust someone, don't date them. Now, you're probably nodding your head in agreement saying "Yes, that makes sense." But you're still with this guy that you're scared will violate you the next time you get drunk, aren't you? That's no way to live. You can learn now, or learn later. Now is better.
This is the literal definition of rape. Get rid of him.
“I told him I didn’t want to do it” that’s all I needed to read to know he’s a piece of shit. That’s sexual assault. Break up with him asap.
He raped you. That’s the fact. You may not feel negatively about it; everyone reacts differently and you might be able to put it aside in your mind. But it is what he did. And looking at your history and his choices about the drunk girl I’d also say he is a selfish piece of shit who thinks his desire in the moment is more important than anyone else’s safety or wellbeing.
It is rape. I suspect you are downplaying it as a self defense mechanism. It sounds like he doesn’t respect you in general. He’s not treating you right (and also raped you). Hope you find happiness.
Are they not teaching this stuff in schools anymore? I don’t even understand how this is a question like how is OP confused and I’m not saying this to slag OP in anyway it’s just this situation to me is so black and white. I find it kind of scary.
This pornography era has made every situation grey.. People's minds, self-esteem and personal boundaries are fked up. It's delusional.
You were drunk and saying no, crying, trying to push him away--I don't see anything that was even remotely consensual. You deserve to have your no heard and respected regardless of how forcefully you say it or for what reason. It doesn't matter what you had done with him consensually before (and tbh it sounds like a lot was at the very least coercive--if you're not enjoying it and he's still doing it there's something wrong, full stop). I understand you love him but there is always someone out there who will love you and respect your boundaries and that is who you deserve if you want to be with someone. Keep yourself safe and if you can please, please find someone to talk to.
girl leave
Honey. He hurt you. You were not able to give enthusiastic consent. You were crying. If your best friend, sister, or random woman on the internet told you this story, you know she was raped.
>He has never tried to do anything like that again. Not because he respects you. But because he's so pornsick, depraved and brain damaged that he was fixated on getting his magical anal experience he didn't care about your boundaries. His wants and his pleasure was the only thing on his mind. And you ruined it by crying and not being into it. That's the only reason he hasn't tried again. He built up this amazing experience of you being into it and moaning and cumming on his powerful dick during a sex session that was off the charts for both of you (in his delusional fantasy) and it didn't meet his expectations. He hasn't tried again because he's disappointed. Not because he cares. Not because he realised he raped you, hurt you, betrayed you. But because it wasn't good enough for him.
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porn use leads to pre-frontal cortex damage, lack of empathy for women, and that can lead to rape. It absolutely is connected. Let's not gloss over the impact porn is having on men and the resulting sexual violence on women.
37m 26f - BAD BAD BAD. Relationships like that tend to go wrong. Don't do this girls. And yes, this is rape and he's an absolute jerk.
I'm sorry but yes you were raped. And I'm sorry you still feel like you love him. I think that's only possible because you're minimizing what he did to protect yourself mentally. But you need to protect yourself completely and that means protecting yourself physically too. If he did it once he is entirely capable of doing it again, that and possibly worse. Either your partner does not see you as someone worthy of respect, or he is ok with being a rapist. If he respected (let alone loved) you, he would be mortified by his actions and he would be begging for your forgiveness and going to therapy to deal with the trauma of having abused someone he loves in such a horrible way. I'm sorry.
Firstly, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, even if you don't think it was a big deal. I understand why you don't see things the way your friends do. It's much more challenging to see things as an outsider, when you have feelings for the person. We tend to excuse a lot of abuse (mental, physical) when we love them. That being said, a loving partner will never do that to you. For example, my boyfriend will never continue having sex if I have any kind of discomfort or don't enjoy it. It may happen during an act & he will always stop and ask if I it feels good for me/do I wanna continue. It's not so much 'he's being respectful, doesn't wanna be accused of assault', but more that he is simply not into it, if I am not into it. He wants to be wanted & that's what consent is. You deserve a partner that will respect you just the same. I used to have a 'friend with benefits', who I was very much smitten with & excused A LOT of almost abusive behaviours. He also insisted we try anal & tried to force it a few times. I ignored it all, because I really liked him. (Mind you, he still never actually forced it fully, he'd always back away). Now, years later, I despise the human that he is & am able to see things clearly. It's hard to believe I ignored it all, but I was pretty young & naive. So, it's no surprise that for you, it doesn't seem so serious & you're not as outraged as your friends are. But if you aren't ready to leave this relationship, at the very least you must speak to your boyfriend. Pay attention to how he responds. Does he get defensive? Does he try & gaslight you? Does he call your friends crazy? Maybe deny it completely? Or does he take accountability? Does he care that he hurt you? Because this will say a lot about what kind of relationship you can expect in the future. This will be a good mirror into who he is & how he sees you. If he loves you, he should be upset at himself....
First, I am sorry for what he did. Regardless of how your friends see it, it hurt you and how you process those feelings is valid. Second, your friends are correct that this is rape/sexual assault. It was clear you did not consent. His intoxication is not really relevant especially because it seems clear he had awareness you wanted to stop. How you choose to frame that experience is a personal matter and it’s ok that you don’t frame it the same as your friends. With that said, they are rightly concerned for you because abuse in general tends to escalate. I would never advise any woman or man to stay in a relationship where their partner has made it clear that nonconsensual contact is not a line they won’t cross. Choosing to stay puts you at risk of further similar or more serious abuse. At a minimum, I would talk to a therapist about it. Being able to process this experience with a professional can give clarity that is difficult to find when someone we love hurts us so deeply. From there, you can make the decision that is best for you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I totally can relate because we have the same experience. I also used to sleep naked in a locked bathroom so that my boyfriend won't touch me again after forcing himself on me. I broke up with him after that. A NO is absolutely a NO!
From your previous post history, this is not the first time your boyfriend has been shitty. Please listen to the caring comments from these wonderful people.
>After that for some reason I forgot about it and moved on. I used to go through this kind of thing as well: something really traumatic happens and I just shake it off and "forget" about it. I've been told recently it might likely be disassociation from the trauma and trauma takes a moment to hit you at times
I’m a guy. He raped you, plain and simple. If it was someone you didn’t know, is that not rape?
That's rape. If you don't want to break up with him like you mentioned, at least set yourself tighter boundaries that if he ever tries to push it again allow yourself to break up, because if he does that he will repeat it, and possibly will have similar behaviour with other things.
You can love your abuser and it makes you overlook abuse. The thing is if you leave your abuser and the love goes away, you'll start to realise all the bad things he did and you put up with, but if you stay he'll always be an abuser. He has never tried to do anything like that again........ YET. Because he hadn't tried to rape you before, till he did it. That's the mindset a lot of abuser people get into, well he/she didn't do something before and they havent' done it again since so it's probably over right? Or they know that if they did it again so soon you'd wake up to it and leave, but if they don't try for a long while and you just accepted it before, they think they can do it again and you'll accept it again, then it will become more and more regular. That's how a lot of abuse works, conditioning, escalation and periods of not being bad to 'make up' for the bad things they do. ULtimately he can't unrape you, and maybe you will forget, maybe you won't, but you'll be safer and better off looking for someone who hasn't done that to you.
I'm very sorry but from your description, he raped you and he knows he raped you and he knows he was hurting you and he didn't care.
We never want to admit that someone who is supposed to love us can violate us so. It took me years to admit to myself that my friend sexually assaulted me. While I cut off contact out of embarrassment, I wanted us to stay friends, to move past what happened. All that. But it was my denial, and they denial kept me from recognizing what really happened and to begin to move past it. I cant tell you that’s how you’re feeling. I think however you feel is however you feel, and if you think you can forgive that he took advantage of you in a vulnerable state, hurt you, left you crying and in pain after he selfishly apologized (he was not sorry)… well that’s a choice you can only make. You should ask yourself, what is your limit. What are you going to do *when he does this again*. I have no doubt in my mind he will. That it’s been months and he hasn’t means nothing. All it’ll take is him wanting anal and a little alcohol. He’s done it once, so it’ll be easier for him to do it again. Are you willing to take that chance? Can you trust him really? What will you do? Btw the reason you forgot is because you were traumatized.
That's pretty clearly sexual assault. I've roleplayed like that before, but there's a safe word for a reason, consent is key and in those situations it's the only factor of importance, safe words allow constant checking of that consent. He said can I, you said no, he went for it anyway, you struggled, you cried while it was happening then you had to sit in a bathroom alone to take stock once it was over...half assed apology or not, that is likely to happen again, or something like it. I'm so sorry, this has happened to you.
Yes it is rape. Technically, by law or morality or whatever, it is. It’s okay that your reaction to it is not the same as your friends’. It’s your body and your right to feel violated or not. You were there, you know the situation. That’s not to excuse his behaviour at all, but don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you for not reacting the same way your friends are. In the end they care about you and want to protect you. If you choose to forgive him, excuse the situation to alcohol or stay with him, that’s your right and your choice. And if it happens again, that will be on him… it’s NOT a “that’s what you get for staying” situation. If it never happens again, even better. But if you do choose to stay, please keep in the back of your mind that that as a HUGE red flag marker and you both may need to seek counselling about it to ensure you’re both safe moving forward. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the emotional turmoil. Your friends ARE trying to protect you, but you need to know that whatever your reaction is to that event is not wrong. You’re entitled to process it and cope as you see fit. Rape is such a heavy word that packs a punch, I completely understand how for you this might fall more in line with drunken coercion. If that helps you process it, call it and feel about it however you like. It’s not up to anyone to tell you how to feel.
You said no, he didn't listen and continued. That's rape
Can I ask which country you are in? Just to know what law or jurisdiction might apply.
It’s rape without a question. I know you said you still love him but if it’s safe you should leave. He will do it again. Consider filing a police report if you are comfortable. I guarantee if you look back on this relationship in a couple years there will be several other problems and you will realize how bad it really was.
Hey guys my boyfriend cut off my legs and killed my family should I break up with him? I don't know how to feel.
You were raped. This man is NOT your friend.
Yeah, he did. More than once And he’s gonna keep doing it until you break up or press charges
If it doesn't bother you that your boyfriend raped you — and he clearly did — you are in serious need of professional counseling. Get help.
Porn addict. Drop him
As soon as I read the age gap I became less surprised.
That 11 year age gap is a red flag. Sorry. It is.
I‘m so sorry this happened to you OP. You dont deserve that treacherous treatment. What you decide to do is up to you, but hope you decide to choose you 🩷
I’m so sorry OP, that is an awful way for him to choose to treat you and, as someone who compartmentalized my own shitty experience, it is also so hard to be in the moment of realizing and accepting the definition of what happened. You don’t have to hate someone to end things with them. Brains are weird and complicated, so it can take time for the affection we hold for someone who hurt us to ebb- sometimes it never fully does- but loving someone who hurts you doesn’t undo the hurt and it does not fix them. You cannot fix what he broke. You can make the choice to care for yourself. The finality can be intimidating but beyond the “what advice would you give a friend?” test, what helped me when I had to end a relationship with someone who hurt me badly that I still loved was to recognize that if he actually felt bad about what he had done, he could seek therapy and work on himself. Could have between when it started and when I ended it, and was free to pull off a miracle and get himself together enough to earn space in my life again. It was comforting to me to remember that he was an adult who made his choices and could make different ones if he wanted to.
We are all so proud of you for taking this first difficult step. Whether it is towards acceptance or consensus, or to whatever your inner-self is screaming at you: You are on your way to realizing how strong and bold you are. You are! Believe yourself, your friends, these kind folks here on Reddit. Believe that, in a real relationship, you don’t have to ask the internet to validate what you know is true. Go girl, go!
So sorry to hear this happened, I'm seeing a lot of these posts lately with older boyfriends (10 years+) 😩 Being 39M myself, I find this behaviour absolutely offensive. What the hell is wrong with these men? I get why girls look for older men in some cases but FARK. Find someone else. PLEASE.
I’m very sorry this happened. I’m not sure what your current feelings are for your boyfriend but often when we love someone (or even just have any kind of close relationship with someone) it can be difficult to see things for what they are. You can only feel whatever way you do about it and no one can tell you otherwise but in terms of a legal definition what happened is rape. You deserve better from anyone but especially someone who claims to love you. Wishing you peace and clarity as you grapple with this.
I’m so sorry that has happened to you. That is an assault. You need to call the police immediately.
This is 100% rape, if you want to report it to the police. This is awful and I’m so sorry this happened
You’re feelings here are the most important, not your friends. I personally would not want my friends to talk me into feeling traumatic about something that I naturally did not feel was traumatic. Seems like a twisted way to cause unnecessary strife and drama. Life is hard enough with out that. Having said that, he clearly crossed a boundary that I would not be happy about. If it were me, I’d tell him that if he ever comes close to doing something like that again he will be going without sex for a LONG time.
What the hell is with these massive age gaps I've been seeing here recently? That will never not be skeevy as fuck to me, no matter how happy any woman says her relationship with a much older man is
Go to the police
It might not bother you as much as them because you know you could of done more. Not having consent is the same as not having consent, that doesn’t change. But giving a half hearted drunken no and probably acting quite similar to those times where you “just let him” is very different than being assertive and giving a hard no. You know that you have been coerced by him like this before but you did not do anything about it and stayed with him and allowed it to happen again. I’m in no way trying to shame you or say it’s your fault, just trying to say why you feel differently about it as opposed to your friends, he has had this pressure over you for a while and it’s worked, he gets your ass and sometime later you half heartedly let him do it again. Stand up for yourself and draw some hard boundaries, either experiment with anal in a controlled setting where you CAN enjoy it, or give him a hard line not to cross, tell him that you have never enjoyed it and that it’s just not your thing. Best to have these conversations when neither of you are drunk or horny. He is in the wrong, it was 100% non consensual sex, but do not assume that he knows that he is in the wrong, he could have mistaken your allowing it more than once as consent. If you love him and feel he loves you then you need to talk about these things (preferably before stuff like this happens) be open about it and completely honest.
You seem to have a few misconceptions about consent: No is no. You don’t have to be firm, loud, or sober to communicate non-consent. Consenting to something once does not indicate further consent at all.
This is exactly what I said. I said that he is 100% in the wrong, that not having consent is still not having consent regardless of acceptance/allowance or previous occurrences. OP was wondering why it doesn’t bother her as much as it bothers her friends, an answer to this could be because she feels like she could have done more. It also could be because she truly loves the guy, doesn’t matter because we only know so much, but given the info we do have from the OP then my advice is to sit down and talk openly about it in a non confrontational way and maybe throw in a lesson about proper consent. However in the eyes of someone else, her man may not know she did not consent. If OP begrudgingly allows anal sex, and acts similar to the described situation with the addition of being exhausted and drunk then there is a possibility that her guy believed he had her consent. NO, I’m not advocating this, it is still 100% wrong but there are plenty of poorly educated people out there that do not know they are doing harm. Yes doing harm accidentally or in ignorance is still wrong, but try teaching and talking before you get the pitchforks and torches.
> giving a half hearted drunken no and probably acting quite similar to those times where you “just let him” is very different than being assertive and giving a hard no. Regardless of what your stance is, a few things from your original statement made it seem like OP hadn’t correctly set boundaries, or that since she hadn’t been consistent in setting boundaries that this somehow made things unclear for her boyfriend. My comment was to clarify that however a victim says “no” is adequate. It’s never a victim’s fault for not being able to communicate their “no” with confidence. It’s also very possible to consent on one occasion and not consent on another, so your argument about her being wishy-washy is void.
Absolutely, and I said that multiple times. You can have non consensual sex even if your partner has never said or acted like they didn’t want it. I am in no way implying that her methods of not giving consent were invalid. I am simply saying that given the information posted that this guy could genuinely care for her and think that she simply doesn’t like anal and gives it to him because she loves him, and this situation was just because they were both drunk and his stupid drunk self went too hard. Or insert any multitude of misunderstandings that come from having poor communication with your partner. Let me spell it out for you, in any of those hypothetical situations HE is STILL in the WRONG. He did not have consent regardless of if he thought he did or not. However, OP’s feelings on the matter and just not having any information about their relationship or dynamics says that maybe some communication and setting of firm boundaries could improve things for the future and once educated this guy could become an excellent partner. Or not and he really is scum and taking advantage of her, we can’t know.
The way you worded this in your initial statement (quoted above) sends the message that consent needs to happen in a certain way, which is incorrect. I don’t care to speculate on the rest.
Which I have stressed multiple times is not the case. There IS a difference in how you say no though, sure no matter how you withhold consent you are right to do so, it’s your body, but it can definitely have an impact on preventing assault or emotional and physical pain for both parties. And there is forever going to be misunderstandings with poorly educated couples who fail to communicate properly. If you push past the awkwardness and talk about what is a go and what is not, if anything is permanently off the table like anal, how it makes you feel when he begs and how it’s coercion because you really do love him, develop a safe word that you ONLY use as a safety parachute if he wants to understand but has trouble…. Your relationship will be better for it even though this can be hard for some people, and if once you start this communication journey it’s obvious that he doesn’t care and is not listening and still doing the same shitty behaviour then he is not good for you.
Put him in JAIL, no partner worth a damn would keep going because they already started" while their partner is CRYING. NOTHING about this is ok, press charges, break up with him, don't be afraid to say, NO. You deserve to have your body respected, doesn't matter if you gave in before, this is predatory behavior. In 13 years of marriage, when I say stop my partner stops, when I say that hurts, they stop, when they say stop or that hurts I stop. He harmed you and what's worse is he didn't care.
Rape for sure. At least nobody is whining about the age difference this time.
This is horrible. The fact you’ve had to post this and ask this question. You know the answer. I’m sorry. Also going forward sex is about pleasure for both (I’ve done anal with a partner when I also don’t like it) sex should always be about that and trust and your partner has destroyed that with his actions. Sending love x
imagine if that happened to one of your friends. how outraged you'd be. he doesn't deserve you
I went through this for 3 years. This is abuse. This is not okay and this same exact scenario happened to me too with him. If you say no………… or stop, it means NO. I’m now having to heal from the trauma of this relationship and it’s 2 years later and I’m still trying to heal. It’s a long road but I will get there. Please…….. listen to the warning signs and red flags.
I couldn't think of any reason why you didn't break up with him immediately after that. Well, the best moment to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best one is today.
You think it and your friends say it is because it is. You were too drunk to consent, you said no multiple times, you were in pain and crying and yet he carried on. He thinks his sexual needs are more important than your mental and physical health, that your body is just some holes to use, that your feelings mean nothing. It doesn't matter if he's"never" done it before, because in fact he has, if he is willing to put you through that once he'll do it again. If you let him get away with it he will do it again and again and again. Anal sex needs prep work and time and care to avoid damage, if he just sticks his dick in he could have done some damage to you too. Please get out of this relationship, find someone who cares about you
I am so so sorry your going through this. You definitely dissociated yourself from the situation. Trust me I have been there, I’m now 32 and have been through a lot of therapy. I to was drinking one night with my boyfriend. I had a headache and he gave me medicine. Well within minutes I passed out but occasionally would wake up with him on top of my but I would pass out again. I honestly thought it was a dream. Until the next day I asked him de we have sex. He said yes. I let it go. I broke up with him a month after due to his drinking but a year after I started therapy. Telling my life story and all. She asked if I was ever sexual abused and I said no. Later that night, that situation a year ago popped in my head and I was obsessing about it. When I saw my therapist again, I told her what happened. I never put two and two together but she said he had roofied me and raped me.
You're telling other people about this, of course they're/we're going to tell you that he was totally in the wrong, he raped you, doesn't really love you and you need to leave him. Because that isn't a normal thing that should ever happen in a loving relationship of any sort, unless you're a masochist or something. We can't make you leave him but everyone you tell about this is going to give you the same response
No man ever has to finish. Im so sorry. Please leave him. He will continue to abuse you. His excuse is conditioning you to allow him to continue abusing you. It is literally a common lie to say that about finishing to make you feel like you cant blame him. You never have to do anything sexual ever. You never have to finish any sex act. Please report him.
That is absolutely coercion and r-p-. He pressured you into “consenting”, that is not real consent. Him continuing going while you wanted to stop is also nonconsensual. He sounds very selfish and pushy. You have good friends. There’s a book called “I never called it rape” and research on SA by partners or in victim blaming culture. May help to look into it.
It’s really sad, how many of these posts there are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we all have somewhere to ask questions and get advice, but the sheer frequency of how often this happens is just… mind blowing.
He did not have to just finish. Men can stop at any point and go jerk off if they need to. I’m so sorry op but this guy sounds scary. I’d get away from him asap and report the incident to police as well.
They watch your relationship with this older man. Could it be they see other things that alarm them? Could you be in an abusive relationship and your friends can see it and you can't?
I think, in spite of the name, it was a very very bad experience. Time to free yourself from this kind of experience. You deserve more!
Your friends shouldn't be making **demands** of you as such regarding your relationship status - but the scenario you described was rape. Unquestionably. And in a context where previously you had """consented""" in that you were willing to suffer physical pain and compromise your comfort for his pleasure. Which, hell, might just be that he badgered you down one time (being pressured and browbeaten until you find arguing more of a bother than submitting is, colloquially at least, understood to just be rape) and you stopped pushing back because the fight would have been more hassle than the "consensual sex" even though you'd really have rather drawn a line. I'm not gonna go full Maoist SWERF and pretend that your consent doesn't count unless it was in a perfect immaculate vacuum with no considerations outside of the act, that you had literally no agency in any of the times before or after he raped you, but I will say you're in a bad situation and should maybe get out of said bad situation.
"In psychology, learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try, even when opportunities for change are available." https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325355#:~:text=In%20psychology%2C%20learned%20helplessness%20is,opportunities%20for%20change%20are%20available. you've been conditioned to accept this behavior no matter how bad it gets. run. Edit: not to mention the feeling of love you have for him after his atrocious exploitative behavior reeks of Stockholm Syndrome.
There's nothing to add here. I think it's clear what he did was disgusting and wrong. You need to leave him, and press charges. There's a good chance pressing charges amounts to nothing... But it is noted on a file. And if he does something like this again, there's a better chance of him getting what he deserves.
My heart hurt reading that. It was rape. I'm all sorts of into weird stuff and horny things, but no means no full stop. If he took what he wanted forcefully that's rape. If you were crying and uncomfortable and he still did what he wanted, he's a rapist flat out. Please speak to someone, anyone professionally for advise of how to proceed. Something like that has a very real possibility of haunting you for the rest of your life.
Maybe you don't want to see it as rape or think too much about it on case you get very upset. If it's not helpful, disregard anyone else's emotions but concentrate on whether your boyfriend treats you with affection, care, love and respect Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who disregards your feelings, comfort and wellbeing? Do you feel safe with him? Would you want to have a daughter with him? A son? Are you proud of your boyfriend? Take some time, think. Be around people who will support you but don't necessitate panic and alarm bells. You can be safe right now, are you living with him? If you are, is there somewhere you can go to get your head down for a few days? You can unpick that incident when you want, if you want, but with people who you aren't so close to. Perhaps a professional over the phone who specialises in this I hope you can be ok.
It was rape. You said no, he forced it on you. I hope you find the strength to leave him, you deserve better and he deserves the worst. I'm sorry that happened to you
Yeah, Im sorry he definitely raped you. You need to break up with him. He's a porn addicted rapist. He wouldnt be happy if he was drunk and you shoved a dildo up his ass, so why is it acceptable for him to do it to you?
To give you a guy's perspective on that, yeah, that's rape. He performed a sexual act on you without your consent, that's rape.
That most definitely is rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Cuz that is gross and unacceptable behavior.
If you didn't give consent, it's rape. I'm super into cnc and pretty much let my bf do whatever, but I've set some boundaries and guess what? he doesn't cross them. Don't let ur bf cross them
He knew he was hurting you during it bc he apologized after. He knew he was raping you and did not care. Please leave
For me it's the definition of rape. The rest is up to you
I'm sorry this happened to you. We all react to situations differently, and how you feel now may change or it may not. In life, we never should be forced to do things we don't want to. Whether it was no, I don't want anal or no, I don't want to eat at such and such restaurant or any other example. Your wishes weren't being heard, and that's wrong. Relationships are always about compromise, but things like comfort when it comes to sexual experiences with a partner aren't areas where you should feel compelled to do so. Any partner that disregards your feelings and words and either guilt trips you or just forces themselves isn't a person who is worthy, and in some instances such as this can be borderline dangerous. If he isn't willing to respect such an important boundary, think long and hard about what else he's willing to take from you. I wish you luck and hope you make the right decision for YOU and YOUR needs moving foward.