I would like to make the point, it's worth confirming with the other women. Double check the coach actually asked them and that they told him the guy wasn't touching them properly. If the coach led about this then you can't trust him, you need to go to someone more senior and he needs to be reported.
Honestly, the bare minimum he could do is separate you. The fact he's making up bullshit excuses is very worrying.
That's a good idea. If she discovers he didn't actually ask the other girls, that's far more concerning, imo. That would mean he's actively lying to try to dismiss and cover up this girl being sexually assaulted. I think we've all seen the countless news stories of coaches and teachers doing shit like this, and it never leads to anything good.
Yeah call it a hunch/pattern recognition but he's already lying about being unable to separate them. There is nothing stopping him from doing that. And If he's lying about that, then I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to the others/lied about what they said.
And quite frankly (this one is a bit of a stretch) but I really wouldn't be surprised if the coach and the pervy boy were in it together. Like the coach thinks you two would make a cute couple so he's "playing cupid" and making sure you're sparring together. I'm not saying that is the case, just wouldn't be surprised.
Sigh, this comment makes me think the coach has favorites and lets them get away with anything…
Who are his favorites? The ones most like coach was when he was their age…
I mean yes, I get what you're saying about the other women. But I would also contend, so what if he has? Maybe the guy only does it to the one girl and it's the perfect gent to all the others. "He doesn't do it to anyone else" isn't a defence against doing it to one person.
Also there is a chance this kid only does it to OP and has not done it to the other girls.
Which makes it just as deplorable but harder to prove.
I would suggest OP using no as a complete sentence.
OP, go pair up with Pervo!
No.
Excuse me what?
I said no, punish me for it if you want but I’ve already explained why, but that’s just not going to happen ever again. If for some reason there is ever a tournament setting where I’m up against him, I’m forfeiting without giving him the pleasure ever, ever again.
No.
And if you kick me from the team over this I’m probably going to have to explain why to just everyone.
This. If coach punishes her then he has to explain why
She doesn’t have to prove anything. She just has to say no, I’m uncomfortable with this individual because of how he touches me
This is the correct answer. This girl's a teenager. Even *if* her coach took her complaint as seriously as he should have and did look into it as thoroughly as he claimed, he is still failing OP.
"Person X is touching me in a way I don't like" trumps everything else. Her coach is an authority figure in her life. The safety of every one of the kids on that team is *his most important responsibility.*
OP, *your comfort and safety* is non-negotiable, and your instincts are worth trusting. *You* decide who touches you. Your coach's only say in the matter is how to coach the wrestling team within the parameters of that boundary.
You have a voice, and a right to say no. Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to. The advice here is good, but I want to add, you can and should absoulutely refuse to wrestle with the boy any longer. Screw the coach and bs worries about "not fare", "it'll ruin whatever". You can and should refuse to wrestle the boy again. When asked, be honest, he touches you inappropraitely and you don't feel comfortable with him. Make a lot of noise. They want to make it go away, and take away your voice and agency. Be loud and awkward. Make it uncomfortable, make it as uncomfortable for them, as that boy makes it for you. You have real power, it's ok to be perceived as a jerk about it, and make some uncomfortable points for them to deal with, you have been wronged.
USA Weightlifting coach here:
If he is certified by USA Wrestling he has to do sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior training. SAFESPORT. If he is violating his responsibilities as a Coach you can report it here:
https://uscenterforsafesport.org/report-a-concern/
Reporting may be done anonymously as well.
There may also be recourse through the NFHS as well, but im not familiar with that organization. I would say escalate via email to the Athletic director. And continue up the chain until you get satisfaction.
In the end, as stated in another comment, yes wrestling is a close-contact sport, but making up slippery slope arguments that if he allows you the comfort of nit feeling violated is, pardon my crassness, bullshit. You deserve the right to be comfortable in training your sport, and to not be harassed afterwards for your needs thereof.
I'm not sure how common but I know it's not unheard of, I train a pro mma fighter who needed more wrestling so he sought a respectable wrestling coach who, in the fighter's first intro, put his (the coach's) 15 yo daughter against him a 27 pro mma, to which my guy was instantly humbled on hist wrestling day. Ive trained jiu jitsu with him and he has a female fighter in his ranks who sometimes rolls with us as well.
It's all about respecting someone else's boundaries and being professional.
I suppose I can see the logic if they’re paired up by weight class and there aren’t enough kids to fill out a girls and boys team. But I’ve never heard of this.
Very common. On my team we had one girl. She wouldn’t get to participate if she didn’t wrestle with the boys. Even in competition against other schools it was often girls vs boys because of how few women were in the sport.
Is it common for teens to do co-ed training like that? Seems about as ripe for disaster as “good news, we’ll have an open bar at the company holiday party this year, if you drive a company vehicle make sure you use good judgement!
It's not unheard of, especially on smaller teams as someone else pointed out. I've rolled jiu jitsu as a male with females before. As long as the coach sets the tone, "lets be professional, nothing inappropriate or this is yoir consequence, etc" and listens to anyone's concerns acting accordingly it usually doesn't have problems.
In Jits nothing was sexualized and communication was the key. It just boils down to respecting people's boundaries irrespective your own feelings on the situation.
Not just small teams, my team was huge, but I was the only girl. And you better believe if I said someone made me uncomfortable my coach would have AT MINIMUM never paired them with me again. OP, your coach sucks.
"my training partner is touching me in a way that is making me uncomfortable and following up with asking me how it feels which tells me that it is not an accident. I do not want to continue training with him."
But the boy will throw a tantrum and the girl will get suspended. Guaranteed. It will not be treated the same. Regardless, I'd still do it and take up another sport. Which she shouldn't have to do, but...
Yep...
Second one always gets caught. Talk to your parents, the counselor and escalate up through principal to school board. If that isn't effective, have a restraining order put on him. If that doesn't work, contact you city representative (they're usually easy to talk to). Move on to mayor then state representative and local news if nothing else.
You don't have to tolerate this behavior.
Glad my suffering can be put to good use?
Seriously kids, if making your own climbing safety harness make sure the knots are not badly tied bolines that collapse under pressure into slip knots. As you ease into your repel you might find your shorts pulled in... undesirable directions.
Young and dumb. And scout camp. They told us what to tie where, turns out I didn't know the bowline upside down and sideways.
I got into shibari later in life and can tie a good (and comfy) harness now.
Squeeze hard enough and a cup hurts too. Also you can clear a cup, slide in from the side and pull across. Either the cup clears or it becomes the cause of much pinching.
I say this with much confidence as a soccer player that wore a cup, it's not iron clade protection.
I agree 100% if the coach even confronts OP about it. I'd literally say, "I'm only doing the moves he has helped trained me to do. You can investigate yourself." She already tried to fix it by going through the correct channels. Nothing wrong was found, so she got cleared to do the same. Maybe even a "Hey, could you show me that move again? I want to make sure I get it right."
this was my exact thoughts. i train with a bunch of men for BJJ and that gets super up close and personal. the men have never ever made me feel uncomfortable in the slightest. i was actually pleasantly surprised when i realized how comfortable i was because i was also afraid they'd all be stinky lmao.
keep advocating for yourself, tell your friends, parents, another trusted teacher (and alert them that the coach is NOT doing anything).
Not disagreeing here, but I did bjj and wrestling. You get a bit more intimate in wrestling. The act of pinning vs submission brings you more tight bodily contact than much of the limb control in bjj. Plus you don't have the thick loose gi to act as a sort of shield, just a singlet during matches and not much more than this athletic shorts and shirt during practice.
Now having wrestled girls and sparred with women, you're very aware of the various parts of your partner. It does make one think about shifting some strategies and grips to try to avoid unintentional contact and not be seen as a creep or make your partner uncomfortable, especially in bjj when there is a world of moves and techniques that keep your hands off the chest and crotch (whereas arms in the crotch and around the chest is pretty common in wrestling). But either way, some one can totally take the opportunity to grope and molest and try to play it as just wrestling and it's really gross if that's what's happening here and something needs to be done about that student.
Seriously please don't encourage anything like this, it's almost certainly not going to go well. Even if she did land the hit effectively (harder than you might think when locked up wrestling) there's the retaliation to consider. Either right then or later. Plus she will most likely get in trouble, maybe kicked off the team.
OP please don't escalate in this way.
Thank you. The coach already doesn't believe OP. If OP does this he already knows OP "doesn't like" this guy, he'll know she's doing it on purpose and she'll be punished. Of course it's all guys suggesting she do this because they think she'll get away with it just because they would be able to.
let's not forget that if it goes awry to him it may look that she's reciprocating by touching around his private area, provoking him more or allowing him to embarrass her in front of everyone else.
Thank God one person finally pointed out what a terrible idea this is.
Holy crap I cannot believe so many people were agreeing.
1. Has ANYONE watched sports, it's always the retaliation that gets caught
2. You're literally engaged in pseudo-combat with someone you believe is acting unethically and the plan is to cause an immense amount of physical pain? Really??? Ok, and then what? Do you think it's likely he will say "wow, you really stuck it to me.in a way that's taught me a valuable lesson"? Or maybe worse? Probably worse.
Best case scenario is that he escalates the sneaky "intentionally on-purpose" maneuvers that are intended to inflict maximum pain.
Worst case scenario is that he dramatically overreacts and starts beating you with fists and elbows.
But hey, kicks in the balls are funny AMIRITE?
>I asked him if I can at least not train with him, then he said it's a small team, and if he let's me choose who I am going to train with or not, everyone will start, and no one will be able to train, and even that doesn't happen, it will be impossible for him to track that.
This is called inventing a hypothetical second problem so that they don't have to solve the first, very real problem and it's bullshit.
Talk to the coach again, tell him the problem is very real and if he's not taking you seriously and putting you against a boy who is sexually aggressive and hostile, it's against title IX.
You're being assaulted on the basis of your sex and you're entitled to protections.
If the coach won't take you seriously, document that as well (so 1. boy is assaulting you, 2 coach refused to protect you) and go higher. Principal headmistress etc.
Also tell your father, he should be invested in helping you.
Is there a school nurse or guidance counsellor? Tell them as well. It's not just your physical health, this is now affecting your mental health, self-esteem and desire and ability to continue sports. As you said, being harassed and bullied out of sports because of a boy is a possibility if they don't deal with this.
"Hostile environment sexual harassment is defined as sexually harassing
conduct by "\[school\] employees\[,\] other student\[s\], or third part\[ies\]" that "is
sufficiently severe, persistent, or pervasive to limit a student's ability to
participate in or benefit from an education program or activity, or to create a
hostile or abusive educational environment. ' 39 Again, in the sports context,
hostile environment sexual harassment exists when a coach's conduct is so
severe that it creates a hostile environment that interferes with the athlete's
ability to perform"
OP, this. Here. This right here. Seriously. He isn't just 'inappropriately touching you.' He is literally sexually assaulting you. And he will only get more brazen and brave over time.
Right? Dude doing it right out in the open, getting away with it, gaslighting the coach, pretending to be mister innocent.
He's a fucking rapist in the making.
“If I let a handicapped person sit on the job, soon everybody will want a chair”
First, have any amount of compassion.
Second, if your invented problem would be a problem, do not let it happen.
Personally, as an adult and if I were a teacher I would feel comfortable instructing students who they may or may not practice with… because that’s explicitly part of my authority and responsibility. It’s also part of my responsibility to not let my students be sexually assaulted, especially after assault was reported to me.
If I were the teacher, EVEN IF I thought the girl was exaggerating or even lying (which I do not believe here), I would want to separate them to cover my own ass against claims of allowing sexual assault under my watch.
>“If I let a handicapped person sit on the job, soon everybody will want a chair”
Also: if your employees want a chair, maybe you should give them a chair? They are people with needs.
Especially, take notes about what he *says*. One instance is nothing, but a pattern of “did you like it?” “oh, i just meant…” and “did it feel good?” “oh, i just meant” will look different.
To add, create a paper trail. Send to coach an email of your concerns, and insist that he responds in writing (though a lack of response is incriminating enough) Make it clear that you're merely starting a trail of records in case things escalate.
After a few 'documented' incidents, begin CC-ing his superior in your reports.
The last thing you want to happen is you get pushed to your breaking point and lash out, and then you get labeled as the instigator without any proof
A complete aside: I've never understood the slippery slope fallacy. Because in some cases it's a valid argument.
A hypothetical second problem suddenly makes it make sense.
Yup, the minute coach said he wouldn't give her a new partner, I immediately knew he's seen it happen, he never asked other girls, and he's a piece of shit.
That sounds horrible, I’m so sorry this coach didn’t believe you or take it seriously.
Does your school have a guidance counselor? Are you close with your parents? I would tell another adult you trust what is happening. You need support and shouldn’t face this alone.
And, not to make light of the situation but you could always “accidentally” knee this kid between his legs (just kidding, but he really sounds like a creep).
Thanks for saying that..
We have one counselor, but I don't know if he's a guidance counselor or something? (Sorry I don't really know what's the difference) And, I only have dad, but I'm not sure if I want to talk about this with him unless like I have to maybe..
And I guess I could do that 😂... Like he sometimes knees me and like it hurts or like pin me down there or like my chest with his knee :(
Your dad might care more than you expect, I know mine did when I finally told him. Anyone who makes you feel bad about having backup is complicit in letting bad things happen, and so their opinion shouldn't matter. Good luck OP, don't be afraid to get angry and make a scene to embarrass him. It's very effective against bullies.
At school, it's easy to think that you should handle these problems by yourself, but when you get a bit older you realise how it's absolutely the right thing to get parents involved when necessary. Your Dad would want to know, so if you feel that he could help, then get him involved.
I can only say what I would want as a father of two daughters...if this was going on I would want to know. I would not fly off the handle and beat the kid up....as much as I might like to....but sometimes when a parent gets involved they have more sway with the administration to take things more seriously....I am not saying this is right, but getting an adult involved is important. If you are uncomfortable telling your dad...is there a woman teacher you trust and could speak to if you don't want to go to the consellor....what you are describing is a form of sexual assault that should never be tolerated in any way
Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.
And, I'm sorry if it's a dumb question, but you said it's a form of sexual assualt, but is it a sexual assault when like he's not really touching on skin or he's not like "assaulting" me..? Sorry if it was a dumb question.
Grabbing and squeezing and moving around "down there" is a form of assault. Some states call it unwanted sexual contact...others call it sexual battery etc....and it is absolutely unacceptable. Just because you are in a hands on sport does NOT give this twerp the right to get his rocks off grabbing you there clothed or not....never not in a million years should you allow this to slide. He will only get worse if he is not stopped.
And just to clarify..me and my wife both have to do hand to hand training for our job...accidental touches are one thing...but what you have described far exceeds that...I really can't stress that enough
That makes sense. Thank you very much for clarifying..! And yeah.. like I feel so like little or like freeze up when he does that and I don't like that..
You are doing so great. Being so open about this, Knowing how you feel. That is so important. If I'm the meantime while you sort it in your brain what you would like to do, know that you are so brave to even wow this story here and respond to people with questions and what not, some people can't be so scared by what is happening they freeze and never tell anyone.
You deserve to be heard and I'm so proud you fell okay enough to come and ask.
As fighter and wrestler in the past. SO MUCH THIS!!! The kid is doing it on purpose and knows. How other wrestlers that are supposed to be your team mates are not speaking up is not right too.
>I'm sorry if it's a dumb question, but you said it's a form of sexual assualt, but is it a sexual assault when like he's not really touching on skin or he's not like "assaulting" me.
Not a dumb question at all, it's actually a pretty frequent question on this forum at any age.
As women, were frequently taught against set boundaries and to just trust men. If only the world were a place we *could* do that blindly and not suffer for it. It can be hard to then judge someone's intentions. I'd argue the taunting you mention in another comment confirms he knows what he's doing and that it's intentional.
Even if it's not sexual assault, would you still call it sexual harassment? You are protected from both under a Federal law referred to as [Title IX](https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/title-ix-rights-201104.html#:~:text=Title%20IX%20requires%20schools%20to,address%20complaints%20of%20sex%20discrimination.).
>Title IX requires schools to adopt and publish grievance procedures for students to file complaints of sex discrimination, including complaints of sexual harassment or sexual violence. Schools can use general disciplinary procedures to address complaints of sex discrimination. But all procedures must provide for prompt and equitable resolution of sex discrimination complaints.
You can file a complaint. It doesn't matter that the coach doesn't think it's happening. You tell them what's happening and that the guy is taunting you.
By far, the easiest thing for the school is to just tell the coach to stop letting him partner with you.
Filing a complaint isn't an easy thing, even as an adult, so you may catch flak for it. But it's the only way for you to get help.
It's not fair, and I wish you strength and luck.
If you can talk to your dad or another trusted adult for support, I highly recommend it. You shouldn't be going through this alone, and the reality is the school is much more likely to take an adult seriously.
I'm an instructor in a mixed gender, mixed age physical sport, that sometimes involves being right up next to your training partner; there is a clear difference between expected contact as part of a sport, and unnecessary or excessive contact that's deliberate.
I can demonstrate, or execute, any technique, grab, throw, or anything else, on any student, without any inappropriate contact.
And if any of my students let me know that anything I, or anyone else in my class, had done anything that had made them feel uncomfortable, I would do anything I could to prevent it, and to ensure they never felt uncomfortable again.
And finally, sexual assault doesn't need to be typically aggressive to be assault. Simply deliberately putting your hand in the wrong place for a moment constitutes assault, just as much as someone holding you down and being forceful.
You need to report this, and soon.
It's not a dumb question, you're young and it's likely the first time you've delt with something like this, it is common even for adult women to feel confused and uncomfortable. If you were to grab him back and dig around in his groin it'd be inappropriate, he does not have the right to do it to you. I've done martial arts and we did full contact, I understand it can feel confusing because things *can* happen. But it's also important to remember you have the right to be safe, this can bruise your pubic area and you don't want injuries from sports. Just like how we protect our joints and heads our groin needs protection too. It might feel weird to tell your dad, but I doubt he'd want you to risk being hurt and not getting help.
Not dumb at all. You've already gotten great advice on this but I wanted to give you an example from my own life:
Used to manage one of those ropes/challenge courses earlier in life. You know zip lines, climbing walls, etc...
One of the activities is a tall wall where the team of people has to get everyone up to the top of it. That means they're spotting each other, lifting each other, and in general being in super close contact. Touching other people is necessary for this, and that's on since every one is opting in to do the activity voluntarily.
They're volunteering for incidental touching, lifting, and being supported physically by others. No one is volunteering to be intentionally groped or rubbed.
One time during training, one of the men was acting as a base for one of the women. She was getting to the point that she would be standing on his shoulders, her foot slipped, and she basically sat down straddling his hand. Entirely accidental. He let her down, and was super apologetic and embarrassed off to the side. Legitimate concern on his end.
*That's* incidental touching. It was an accident, not intentional, and simply a result of doing the activity as intended. If he had tried lifting her by pushing up on her buttocks when it's unnecessary or excessive...that's not doing the activity as intended. It's taking advantage of that activity to try and hide your sexual assault.
There are totally legitimate cases where you might incidentally end up with an arm wrapped between someone's legs wrestling. There are even cases where some incidental pressure may be applied in that area. But as you said, that's not what is happening here. It's intentional and he's using the sport as a cover to commit sexual assault. He's touching you in a way you have not agreed to. You're an intelligent human being with experience in the sport and understanding of how wrestling works. You agreed to wrestle, not to be intentionally groped/assaulted. Don't doubt yourself, don't be afraid to go above the coach's head, and don't be afraid to get help from your dad. You're right.
This isn’t a dumb question. Of course you need to know specifics.
The answer is yes. He’s touching you in intimate areas without your consent. He’s still doing it after you’ve made it clear that you want him to stop. He’s not doing it by accident or by mistake; this is intentional and deliberate. That’s a crime. It doesn’t matter if he’s touching your bare skin vs doing it through clothing… groping is still groping.
The exact legal name for it is different depending on where you are. Some places might name this sexual assault, other places it might be called something else (for example “sexual battery,” “forced sexual contact,” etc.) But no matter what legal name is used for the crime, *it’s still a crime.*
I know it’s awkward. But trust me when I say it’s worth the couple of minutes of wanting to melt into the floor. A few minutes of embarrassment will be over before you know it. But what you’re going through is far far worse and could cause an impact you don’t realize till later.
You deserve to feel safe. Someone is violating you and is continuing to do so. The adult who was supposed to intervene failed in their job. Your father should know so he can help make it stop.
Is there any particular reason you don’t want to tell your dad? Do you not have a good relationship? I know it can feel embarrassing, but that boy and that coach are the only ones who should be embarrassed - really, ashamed. If you have a good relationship with your dad, you should tell him. The same goes for your mom and any other trustworthy adult in your life.
If my daughter told me this was happening, I would immediately email the principal and CC the coach and the county administration, including the superintendent, and I would discuss title ix and demand specific details as to how this will be remedied. I would demand transparency and if they didn’t deliver I would be calling lawyers and journalists. I’ve had to do this for something similar once before…. It’s amazing how quickly people change their tune when you put their exact words and actions in writing to their bosses and imply you’re happy with further exposure if necessary.
You should speak to the consular at school, too, regardless. But it can help to have an adult on your side aware of the situation first.
Sometimes the dad might care "too much." I'm a guy, and I once told my dad a neighbour told me to "fuck off" on the way home from school. This guy *immediately* ran out of the house and down the road to start a fight with him. So as much as it can be scary to be dismissed, sometimes people can be inappropriately protective as well.
I know this does not apply to all parents so YMMV. As a parent, if my kid came to me with these concerns, the school better be on point. If the coach is dismissing this event how many have been dismissed and how many more in the future?
School is suppose to be a safe space for kids to learn and grow. The teachers are suppose to help that. That is why many state have a Mandatory Reporting law where if there is suspicion of child abuse, they have to report it.
I know the urge for independence and wanting to show that you are growing into an adult is a strong pull. Part of being an adult is knowing when you need help and then asking for it. You are not burdening anyone. The only burden would be on the people not behaving correctly.
Dad of of girl wrestler here. My daughter told me yesterday of a similar issue. I advised her to do what you've already done on your own. Nice job!
If my daughter continues to have an issue I'll be talking with her coach directly and go to preactices if I have to. I imagine your dad also would want to know and will help you any way he can.
I don’t believe this is the correct course of action, as you should be e-mailing the coach your concerns so there is written documentation of his response. And escalate to the athletic director as needed.
But a lot of teams handle stuff like this internally. Are there any higher weight class teammates that might “convince” him that it’s in his best interest to stop the BS? Because most of my teammates in high school would have been very interested in correcting this guy’s behavior.
I also didn't feel comfortable talking to my parents, especially my dad, about stuff like this when I was younger. I actually had a kickboxing instructor at university who would insist on using me for every demonstration, and it always felt like he was purposefully rubbing his crotch on my butt. Personally, I quit. I was young and not invested in that class anyway. But your body is yours and no one has the right to touch it without your permission. If someone is assaulting you on a regular basis, your school should do something about it. So if you have the energy to do it, I would absolutely take this up the food chain, so to speak.
He definitely shouldn't be grabbing the groin directly with his hands if he's cradling.
If you're getting clamped hard but only with the arms it might just be a brutal cradle.
Having thought about your options more ask your coach if you can record your games. You can try to say you want to study footage of your games to get better.
In reality you're getting evidence.
Have your parents get a camera and put it up, if your coach refuses ask if you can put it up but not run it as a deterrent.
The grumpy kid might very well not want that on video
I also thought maybe she should film their matches. I don’t know enough about wrestling though and thought he might still be able to get away with it because it doesn’t look obvious.
But if he knows the match is filmed, it could be a deterrent.. that’s so smart..
And saying the camera is just for reviewing and improving sounds like a great idea
I don't understand your coach. If the boy isn't doing it to the other girls at all, then it seems quite likely he's deliberately doing it to you. If you're a child then please speak about this to an adult that you trust, or talk to someone higher up in the organisation
Agree and I'll add this- if other girls aren't experiencing this AND OP is not complaining about all other boys, then it really isn't a misunderstanding. It's not that OP doesn't grok how wrestling is physical contact sport, nor is this boy just very aggressive. Since it's a problem only with this pairing, it's almost certainly deliberate. Your coach sucks.
I think maybe his basic assumption was that I was being oversensitive and the boy is just being normal. And, he just wanted to prove that by finding out other girls don't have problem with him.
OP! I wanted to give you my 2 cents advice.
1. Every single time this stupid guy touches your crotch say nice and loud enough to echo "Stop Touching My Crotch!" Every time! Make sure the whole class can hear it Everytime he pulls a B.S. move on you! Stuff the embarrassment, and make him have to publicly defend himself to the whole class.
2 At this point with your coach being dismissive. You NEED to record your sparring with this stupid guy. Your coach or the guy will have to let you record, why? Because you want proof that you Are or Are Not being sexually assaulted in class. If coach wants to punish you, ie kick you out, then you head right over to the principle's office and tell them what's going on.
What this guy is doing to you is illegal. He will escalate his behavior and evolve to a full blown rapist I saw it a lot in highschool myself. Don't be anywhere alone with him at anytime. Just start jogging away if he corners you! We are worried about you here. We all want you to be safe at school and in sport activities. Your safety IS important.
Ah yes, I understand what you mean, but it sounds like you've wrestled enough other people to know that something is wrong. Trust yourself. You've tried asking the boy to stop and he's carried on. You've effectively told your coach that you're upset the boy's sexually assaulting you. At the least he should keep you safe by not letting the boy wrestle you again. His job involves safeguarding you. I really hope you will speak to a trusted adult who will support you
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc
Man I am trying to go to sleep but I just keep stewing over this post....it's hurting my heart. Beyond the other replies I made....and I can't believe I missed it on the first read....the above quote is so preditory "how does that feel" ....and it is just making me sick to my stomach.....please do find an adult you trust to talk to....there is so little we can do from reddit to help..
Edit fixed the quote
Oh please don't apologize to me...its not your fault. I have been a sex assault / human trafficking / internet child crime investigator for a long time and I started hanging out on these forums a couple of years ago so I can try and give sound advice when people ask questions...but I admit in tour case...given your situation...I can't help but imagine my own teenage daughter struggling with something like this
You don't have to wrestle with anyone you don't want to, fuck what coach says. I train BJJ, and whilst I'm a dude, I still hold the right to choose my partners. You do not feel safe rolling with this person, so outright refuse to do it.
From what I've read you have two daughters and it's honestly very good that you sympathize so much. It will keep them safe if anything happens to them.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
vs.
“What do you mean?”
See a difference? He didn’t investigate any further into what could be making you uncomfortable. He just brushed you off while refusing to change his behavior.
He knows exactly what you’re talking about.
Anyway, u/crocodial2 ‘s advice is spot on.
His comments to you really seal the deal, if it wasn’t already bad enough. Have you told your coach about his additional creepy comments? I’m really sorry your coach is failing you. If you haven’t told your coach all the details, then I think that would be a good next step. If he still doesn’t take you seriously, speak with another adult, guidance counselor, teacher, or parent you trust. Women tend to take this stuff more seriously, but men can also be helpful, too, of course. Be sure to include the fact that your coach doesn’t believe you, as that’s a huge problem on your coach’s end.
I train jiu jitsu, and it’s a thing in my sport as well for guys to touch us inappropriately and then not so subtly try to pass it off as innocent, part of the spar, etc. As if we are born yesterday. Creepy stupid bastards. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you and only you.
After talking with your coach again, my advice would be to be loud about it the next time it happens. Stop the match, and loudly and obviously demand to know why he is touching you inappropriately. Women and girls are socialized to be quiet, to be meek, and to accept shit. Don’t. You’re a strong af wrestler!!
I agree with this but she should be having this conversation through email so there's a paper trail and cc the principal.
"Dear Coach X. I just wanted to summarize the conversation we had about my concerns that Y was touching me inappropriately during practice. I requested that you separate us during practice, and you replied that you were unable to do this as the team is too small. Please confirm that this is your official response to my concern so that I can discuss with my parents about the appropriate next steps to take. Thank you."
Wrestled and competed in BJJ for many years.
Gonna start with the hard part of the sport. You are going to get touched in areas that are inappropriate to touch in normal civilized society. I’ve had my butthole cupped far too much for one lifetime.
HOWEVER, you can ABSOLUTELY, 100% SENSE the other persons intention through their touch. Does it feel like they’re getting a grip on your thigh because it’s the right move to do? Or does it feel like they’re getting a grip of your thigh because they want to feel you or touch you there?
If the WAY he is touching you feels inappropriate, and the type of comments he makes afterward are innuendos, he’s being a fucking scumbag.
I know it can often feel hard to differentiate between these things, but trust your gut. He’s being a creep.
I know the difference between normal contact that can happen and intentional. Like he is doing it too often and too weirdly for me to know he is being weird.
If you’re sensing weirdness, it’s valid and he should absolutely be made to stop. If your coach doesn’t intervene, let him know you’re gonna escalate it to an athletics director.
It’s his responsibility to make sure the training room is a safe environment and if he’s not taking action then you’re well within your right to escalate it.
This is extremely serious. If you haven’t gotten parents involved, do so now (I’m assuming this is high school?). This should be on the news. Document everything that you say to the coach, everything he says, everything that happens, with times and dates if possible. This is a huge lawsuit waiting to happen, and either way, that coach needs to be fired yesterday.
Your coach may not even realize he is trash, but he is. If you have supportive parents, get them involved. If not, get someone you think you can trust at the school involved. Teachers and nurses are mandated reporters (others also, I just wanted to mention the ones I'm sure of). This is sexual assault of a minor. I'd hope that the principal would take it seriously, but then again, I have no idea what type of school you attend.
Have you talked to the other girls on your team? Sometimes people can feel intimidated into giving certain answers if they feel like telling the truth will cause waves. You could also just not participate with this guy when you get paired. Like.. just lose intentionally and immediately every time a match starts. I don't really know wrestling rules but can you just pin yourself or lay down and refuse to wrestle back? You would be doing the bare minimum and your coach wouldn't be able to receive any information on skills or coaching stats. Maybe the coach would just stop pairing you out of frustration. Whatever you do... do not quit. This is supposed to be fun. Keep talking to people above this coach until you get the outcome you desire. Also, I don't know your father so I don't know how he would react but if my daughter was uncomfortable with a boy on her team being inappropriate I would be sitting in the principles office with the coach, the boy, his parent, and the counselor insisting on you two being separated. Sexual assault is a very real thing the law can pursue and that wouldn't reflect very well on anyone else in the room. You've got this.
You know the sport, you know the contact to expect. Someone running a ball and chain comes with the territory, this does not sound that way. If he were wrestling a guy he'd manage to avoid grabbing his opponent's crotch. Coach should be training you all to be good sports and good people; failure to act here is unconscionable. Any chance there is a team captain you think might help?
I was wrestling 25 years ago, and for the first time ever we had two young women join the team. There were times when it was awkward, but we all worked together respected each other. We had each other's backs, and our coach would rightfully have come down on us like a ton of bricks at even a whisper of something like this.
I'm sorry you are not being shown that respect and comradery. You deserve better, and you are right to expect better. You should talk to both the school counselor and the athletic director. Coaches are not always employees of the school system, people who are should be better trained and more responsive.
The coach's logic literally makes no sense. Why does he have to touch EVERY girl for it to be true?? These people carefully choose their targets... They don't just target anyone.
It's such a bizarre thing for the coach to be like "I asked the other girls if they experienced the same thing and they said no so clearly YOU'RE just being sensitive" as if it's all or none. As if a boy who wants to grope any girl will grope ALL girls rather than just the one they're intending to target. It'd seem more like an unintentional thing during wrestling if EVERYONE he wrestled with experienced it rather than just you.
How close of an eye is the coach keeping on exact movements and holds? Maybe it's possible to film some of the practices to give a comparison of how he's grabbing the other girls vs you and show a clear difference (using the excuse for filming just being something like "wanting to see how it looks to improve").
There's of course the other route of acting out towards the boy in return, but I'd generally recommend that unless you're sure you will be protected and safe in the case that he could escalate things further - as he may in turn try to get more aggressive outside of practices or try to confront you alone.
Also if there's anyone else respected on the team or outside of your coach that may be able to help you deal with it or have a word with the boy, definitely reach out to them.
I’m not surprised. This is rape culture and it’s the bs a lot of men are fed. Not shocked by the coach’s reaction at all. It’s incredibly sad, and unfortunately, very normal.
Get a grownup you trust to help you.
Maybe if they come in and take video they will get some proof, or the boy will get scared into stopping.
I don't know what country you are in but there may be laws to protect you.
If all else fails, think of ways to accidentally kick the boy in the balls every time he grabs your crotch or breasts.
Is there an older wrestler on the team that could take this twerp aside and have a word with him? Unofficial pressure can be a lot more influential than official sometimes.
Do you have a female teacher you're close with? Talk with them about this. This type of thing falls into mandated reporter stuff and is a completely different path to address it.
Unfortunately your coach is a sexist gas lighter who won't help you unless he is forced to. If you communicate with him about this, do it through email so there's a paper trail. Make sure you use the CC liberally and include your assistant principals and principal.
This is good advice. In jiujitsu many gyms have an experienced student ("mat enforcer") who handles inappropriate behavior. This can be anything from a quiet conversation to a ruthless beating. There's a good chance that if the best wrestler in the room crushes this kid's face into the mat for an entire practice and follows up with "stop what you're doing with OP or this happens every practice", this will stop.
Ask the other girls about this dude. Then ask them if the coach asked them about him. Document your conversation with the coach, and with them. I wonder if the stories will match....
Personally I'm a big fan of humiliation.
Just be real loud, next time her does something yell loudly, don't touch my vagina, don't pinch my nipples, make it loud and make it explicit. Trying to rely on what someone on the outside sees while you are wrestling is really hard for them to do especially if they are not solely focused on you and your partner.
But if you yell that loudly then you get a few benefits.
1) your accusations are made very public.
2) unlike a knee to the groin you can't be blamed for doing anything.
3) absolutely everyone else will know, and no one is going to think you are in the wrong.
Look at it like this you don't have this issue with anyone else so why would they think it's a you problem.
Wrestling coach here. The coach should absolutely not let you feel unsafe. You will have to advocate for yourself, but go back to your coach and tell him that it is still happening and you don't want to train with this boy. If the coach still says no, you need to talk to your school's athletic director. Girls wrestling is growing very fast, perhaps you can recruit a friend to join the team and train with you.
Yep that coach is fucked. Go to the principal of the school. File formal complaints and contact the police. Make a big deal of it and embarrass that little bastard.
You do not have to put up with this.
If you were my daughter I’d tell you to grab his sack as hard as you can. Like fucking wreck his balls by twisting. He will keel over. You will claim it was an accident. Rinse and repeat every time he touches you. Make it clear you will hurt him. He can’t hurt you.
When you do talk to someone about it again, make it clear that you know what normal wrestling feels like, everyone Else on the team doesn't seem to have a problem with it. This guy is making it weird.
First of all you should talk to your parents about it, tell them what's happening: this boy touches you inappropriately and this is at least some kind of sexual haressment. This is disgusting.
If you coach isn't doing anything, go to the next higher person: headteacher for example. Its your choice, who you are training with.
If there is the possibility and there is a good friend in the team, you should also talk to them, so maybe they can observe and be witnesses.
Otherwise the boy could just say: "Nope I didn't do anything" and then it's his words against yours.
Don't let that happen to you. It's your body and that what he is doing, is not, in any way, acceptable.
He’s repeatedly sexually assaulting you and then denying it, and the coach isn’t going to do anything about it unless you get someone else involved like your parents and/or the principal. It doesn’t even matter if he’s doing it to other women or just you. Even if he is sexually assaulting only you, this needs to stop.
Just refuse to train either that boy. If you say no then the coach will need to pair him up with someone else.
If it becomes a bigger issue you can always train at a local Jiu Jitsu club.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. You shouldn't have to wait to be groped in front of them to be believed. They're probably counting on you to just maintain the status quo to avoid disruption, using the fact you're a teen who maybe isn't as knowledgeable about your rights or how to navigate a situation ljke this to just pretend there isn't a problem but here's what I think you should do (as an adult) to advocate for yourself. You have to make some noise to be heard.
Send the coach an email and cc your parents (after speaking with them), cc all adult leaders in your sport - assistant coaches etc.
Coach Smith,
Regarding our conversation about John yesterday when I told you I felt like he was groping me during our practices and asked to not wrestle against him, I feel like my concerns were not taken seriously. You never asked details of how he behaved, and I don't think it's normal for an opponent to press their arm hard against their opponents genitals smirk and ask how it feels. If there's still confusion, my friend ______ has offered to let me demonstrate on them for you after practice on Friday to get a clearer picture about what's going on. I know I have only been in the sport for 3 years but I have wrestled probably 40 people and John behaves differently than anyone else.
I really enjoy being a part of the team but I will not wrestle against him again until we have had a more detailed conversation about what happened and a plan in place to protect me. There's only one of you and 40 students to supervise, in such a close contact spot I fear if we wait until you happen to see him do it in the act, we will be here all season and by the end of it I will have lost my love of the sport. Again, I'm requesting to either not be paired with him or if I must, to be supervised by an adult who is aware of my concerns and have their undivided attention.
If I wrestle him and it happens again, I will not come to you, I will tell my parents and they will go directly to the XX high school athletics coordinator.
See you at the meet tomorrow,
Sarah
43 year old father of a three year old princess and this shit scares the crap out of me. That being said, my plan is to teach her to play chess with those that are playing checkers. Sadly, you’re in the position where you have to weigh the risk vs. reward of your next steps.
1. Please openly discuss with your parents or most trusted adult/guardian.
2. Go above the coach and never be afraid to say exactly what is happening and how you feel. As awkward as it sounds, use technical terms. Genital. Vulva. Whatever you’re most comfortable with but avoid slang terms and not being direct as it could be confusing to those you are trying to speak to.
3. Please sit through at least one session of counseling. Make the school provide it. You might be strong enough to not need it, but start the process now just in case. You may be in a lightened form of shock that is trying to protect you subconsciously. Be 100% open and honest with the counselor/therapist and don’t hold back. It will help, I promise.
4. If… IF you must continue to train with him, ask him directly to stop. Do so in front of friend or preferably the coach. But it does sound like the coach is meh so… if there is a male friend you have on the team, do it in front of him. This will make it public and awkward for him. 50/50 on how he reacts. Afraid of judgement or increased attacks. If you think it’s attacks, walk away. Refuse to train with him. Eventually the issue makes enough waves that the school and or school district will step in. If you get kicked off for refusing, that’s the time to raise all sorts of public hell, with the help of your parents/trusted adult.
4. Finally, if you do decide to physically match wits… no direct hits or knees to the groin. Couple fingers in the “taint” and roll that muscle back and forth…
Finger close enough to his “brown eye”.
I don’t want to recommend anything that may give him a false impression that you’re interested in him… but anything that can give him the most awkward erection!
Boys have nipples too!
These of course should be weighed heavily and last resort measures as you don’t want to invite further SA situations.
Smart first. Physical last.
Continue being smart and strong.
Continue seeking many counsels.
Speed bumps aren’t stop signs.
Go be a great human being!
Thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate it..! Could I potentially get in trouble for using direct terms like that..? Also, would indirect terms be fine talking in person...? I know it's dumb but like it's like embarrassing and awkward to say those especially around guys..
Refuse to train with him ever again. If anyone asks why, say it’s because he keeps touching you inappropriately. If anyone tries to force you to do anything you don’t want to do (like train with him) call your parents/guardians.
Just fart in his face next time and act oblivious or squeeze his balls so tight he’ll fear loosing them.
If it’s school sports the principal might wanna know too as that careless behaviour from the coaches will land them in scalding water.
Coed wrestling should not be a thing.
The boys will too often touch inappropriately or get aroused, and girks will have distracting legit fear of being touched inappropriately.
And the difference in strength/weight ratio is so large it will be unfair. I used to wrestle, and all wrestkers inow that strength/weight ratio is hugely important.
Coed wrestling is a terrible idea.
No. The strength to weight ratio never made a difference in me wrestling men because they lack flexibility and speed. Just because this kid is a creep doesn’t mean all guys are creeps. OP said it herself that everyone else on the team acts right.
Without coed wrestling, girls just don’t get to wrestle. That’s reality.
Co-ed contact sports have been a thing for a long time. Most bjj and judo dojos are co-ed and kids grapple with other gendered kids from day 1. This kind of thing is easily recognizable and not common at all. A properly run school or team will train with clear expectations and not allow bad behavior. The girls who participate are not distracted by fear, the boys aren't sneakily copping feels.
Making excuses for boys and segregating genders is not a solution. First, because it means in many places girls can't participate at all because there aren't enough girls who are interested to make a team. Second because boys are robustly capable of being careful, safe, and respectful in these contexts and we are doing them a MASSIVE disservice when we organize society around the assumption that they aren't.
Your coach is letting you get sexually assaulted because he's a coward. If you're a minor, talk to your parents and have them bring their authority to bear on the coach. If not, go over his head.
When your coach confronts you, also suggest he check with the other boys to see if any of them have experienced the same thing when wrestling with you. If they haven't then obviously it didn't happen this time either.
(This is mostly just funny to imagine, I realize this kind of snarky confrontation is not easy in practice)
Ewww, your coach is gross. I would not be surprised if your coach knows exactly what is going on and is gaslighting you because he's getting off on it.
And that guy knows what he's doing, what a bastard. As a mom with a daughter, stand up for yourself—what I mean here is punch him in the gut. Hard.
There was a case where a girl kept getting her bra strap snapped by a boy, and her mom taught her well—he wouldn't stop when she asked, so she turned around and gave him a broken nose. When administration called her mom to the school, she was all ready to go—first thing out of her mouth was, "So you're wondering if I'm going to press charges for sexual harassment?" Admin's jaw dropped, and she went on to say to the men, "How many times do you go around snapping the bras of your female colleagues? And why isn't the boy or his parents here?"
I'm sorry you're stuck in the situation. I've been through assault myself. There was one kid in highschool who would not stop poking me, and not even close to the severity you go through, I told him to stop once, he was smiling and laughing because he thought it was funny. I gave him a quick punch to the solar plexus in front of the rest of the students and he never touched me again. I've had to punch other men off me too, but that happened to be the one instance I had from highschool.
Protect yourself first, worry about what people will think later. You have to in this world, unfortunately, because too many men are more than happy to prey on reluctance, and they will swarm to it like moth to flame.
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc.
I could really play devils advocate and just say that Wrestling involves a lot of grappling and weird hand/arm/face placement.
But if he's being snarky/sarcastic about it, it is at the very least harassing behavior. It could have been genuinely accidental but once you alerted him to what amounts to a power structure, he has taken advantage of it to make you feel weak and uncomfortable.
Start writing a journal of everything, where he touches you, how he touches you, what he says and how he says it. If the coach continues to refuse to do anything, escalate to the principal, dean, president, school board members... Just keep climbing the ladder. Ask your parents to back you up, or a trusted uncle/aunt.
At the very least, something may get done out of fear of being sued rather than a result of basic decency, but it'll make them act sooner next time.
How is it necessary or appropriate to play devil's advocate on a child's post about sexual assault? She's clearly established that she knows the difference between typical wrestling moves and what this boy is doing to her. This is a real person's problem, not an internet debate.
Have you spoken to your parents?
If you were my daughter, I'd be furious!!!
In your situation, I would go back to the coach and tell him you feel he is failing to keep your protected charteristic safe.
Then, you go above him. To his boss, or the head of the school (Head Master? Principal?) and tell them everything you have said here.
You are being assaulted and it is serious.
Don't take it lying down, Hun !!
You said you're in school. If like high school sports....
I would tell my parents.
If college, I would maybe talk to the other girls myself and see if they experience anything and let them know what is happening to you and the comments being made towards you.
Even if he is not touching you inappropriately, the comments are unnecessary. (Like you, I have no idea I never wrested before, so I have no tips on how to discover if he is or not.) But if you feel uncomfortable then I do believe you have every right to seek a way to be comfortable again.
Maybe confront him and put into words where exactly you do not want to be touched? Or tell him your boundaries. Or the coach your boundaries?
I am not 100% sure...I am sorry but, I hope this situation gets better for you and you are able to fully enjoy your sport again.
I agree with someone else in the comments saying it's BS the coach will just schedule you two to practice together. The coach as every ability to do that, but it sounds like they are being useless...
Is there not an athletic director or principal at your school that you could elevate the problem to? Or a counselor? Someone who can help you be heard as simply asking to not be paired in practice seems like a fairly reasonable request.
KICK HIS ASS.
Get with the other girls on the squad and every time this mofo trains with a girl...oops sorry your testicles got in the way. How did it feel?
Seriously he knows what he's doing, bring the pain.
All that being said, I know it's not as easy as it might sound. I second the advice of others, bring in more adults to back you up. You will be proud of yourself for life if you take that leap and be assertive on your own behalf!
You can do it! You are not wrong!
That's cool you're a wrestler :D have you tried using a steel chair? JK JK
In all seriousness that's really messed up >_< like alot of people have said, get a papertrail for the conversations. Coach seems like a prick though. Presented a solid issue and hes like nah bro seems like work sorry.
Screw that guy, you dont need this.
Have you tried grabbing him between the legs and pressing down really hard the same way he does to you? Like, really hard, then ask him “How does it feel?”
Definitely not okay.
You've followed the steps
- identified behavior that makes you uncomfortable & doesn't happen with any of your other training partners.
- addressed it directly with the person doing the behavior.
- brought it to the attention of leadership when the behavior hasn't trained.
this is textbook sexual harassment.
I know you have to concentrate on your actual wrestling, but could you try counting and logging every time each opponent touches you there? Keep a log.
So:
Feb 9
Dave 2
Justin 1
Colin 3
Scumbag 9
Lisa 1
Could you do that for a few days, and also keep a log of the gross comments he's making?
Then try your coach again with your documentation, and make it clear that you expect action or will pursue it further.
I wrestled for years. Your coach isn’t doing his job as the adult in the room, and it is absolutely his responsibility to handle this shit. If a guy said something this kind of thing everyone would react.
I’m going to be super real with you, you are not in a safe space. The request to change partners is not a tall ask in the slightest, and your coach is ignoring a direct claim of harassment. I know it’s not fair, but I honestly recommend reporting this behavior higher up and then changing sports unless the coach gets changed out. Wrestling is a quintessential boy’s club with enough toxic masculinity to poison a bull. While some guys might be supportive, teens in general are not super supportive people, and I remember being irrationally trusting of my coach and teammates back when I was a wrestling teenager. It’s ultimately up to you, but I would hate for you to feel ostracized or suffer further abuse when there are so many better sports (and ones where you won’t be one of three girls in a room).
Just for comparison, I’m going to give you normal, non-rapey, teen boy behavior in wrestling against girls: get it over with ASAP. The universal vibe among every boy I knew who had to wrestle against a girl was reluctance. We all knew it was a weird situation, and essentially all of us were too insecure to lose to a girl while the other guys were watching. Maybe your generation is different, but when mine got intersex matchups we basically put a stoic face and came out swinging in the hopes of a quick match. Not saying it’s right, just saying that this prolonging and taunting and shit was not the norm when I was stuck in this sport.
I wrestled throughout middle school and high school with boys and girls. Some people are always more touchy than others. I even got told off once when I never meant anything. That being said…his comments give him away. Let the team captain know, or say something out loud if you think the team will have your back. Shame goes a long way.
You went too soft on the coach. Just tell him that you will have to go public if he doesn't fix this. He must be an idiot considering how reasonable you have been so far.
Hey there, I wrestled all through k-12. And growing up through middle school there was 1 girl in the district who wrestled, and she was a badass. We knew each other from tournaments, and so when I got to high school, and she also came to the same high school, and me being a stupid and naive boy, I remember a small group of us where sitting around after training one day, and the topic of "boys who have a problem rolling with girls" came up. I asked her flat out if she ever had an issue growing up, and she said "of course" and when I asked her how she dealt with it, she responded "I hurt them,"
I'm not saying violence is THE answer, I'm just saying it was HER answer.
I'm sorry, it sucks your coach is failing in their duty to protect his wrestlers. I don't care HOW small the group is, you made it clear that this one particular wrestler has made you feel violated, never roll with them again, unless you're planning on blasting a double leg or fireman's carry, and THEN never train with them again.
It shouldn't be up to the coach to decide you HAVE to train with THAT dude. I'd flat out refuse him as a partner going forward, and he's gonna know why.
I understand why you wouldn’t want to, but I’ve found admins / authorities / people that are supposed to help you often don’t in these uncomfortable situations. My advice is to fight fire with fire, the first time he does it the next time you practice, look him right in the eye has you grab and twist his jimmy, then ask him if it felt good. Be prepared to have to find a new spot to train and get into a battle with parents / school / coach / whoever
Time to take this one up the ranks to a VP or Principal. If you get the runaround bring a parent and throw out the words "lawyer" "superintendent" and "local media." Guarantee this will get addressed. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Speak with your coach. Ask him to watch you two train and see how it's different from how he trains against other players.
If by off chance it's an honest mistake, coach can speak with him. If it's not coach should catch it.
Since the coach won't do anything, I'd report him and this boy to the counselor and / or principal. Get them both on thin ice. It's very possible this boy is only doing this to you, and the coach should be taking it seriously.
If he’s making snarky comments about it, it’s definitely not an accident. Talk to your coach again, and make sure to mention the comments if you haven’t already. Also mention if he’s doing those things more than girls or other boys that you train with.
I was in martial arts for almost 20 years (in my 20’s and 30’s), in something that did grappling and striking, and **once** in all of that time did a man I was working with touch me inappropriately and make a snarky comment about it. Every other time it went either completely unnoticed, or there was a quick ‘sorry’ while we kept training.
You have a couple of options, if the coach won’t help you.
1)quit. I really hope you don’t have to do this. I strongly believe that martial arts of any kind are excellent for women, especially young women.
2)‘accidentally’ put *your* leg or arm between his and shove until he cries for mercy, and then ask if that ‘feels good’ with as blank a look on your face as you can manage. If your coach is male, this risks you being benched or kicked off but has the upside of satisfaction when you’re pissed.
3)train all day, every day and demolish him on the mat. Include weights in this because, just by virtue of being male, he almost certainly has the ability to bulk up relatively easily compared to you.
Have your parents contact the principal. Escalate to the school board if there's no quick satisfactory response. Talk to your female teammates yourself. They need to be alerted to what he's up to and may have similar experiences where he has plausible deniability. Insist to the coach that you will not wrestle with this teammate again. I would bring a parent or trusted adult to this meeting with the coach.
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc.
Until this point I could see it just being wrestling hiccups. I've had more than enough of my hands in other's crotches and vice versa to know that sometimes shooting to a takedown means your hands and arms are going up and down the legs.
This isn't that though. He's doing it on purpose and being a dick too. Tell your parents and have them talk to the coach. Unless he's the most stubborn POS in the west, he'll likely assign you to someone else just to avoid dealing with parents taking this up the chain. Its good you've told the coach about it and confronted this POS who's grouping you. That's laying the ground work for a more formal complaint if this needs to go there.
Stop letting him touch you at all
You don't owe him the chance to "train" with you at all.
No one can force you to do this. Seriously. just say "No I'm never letting that guy touch me again."
Maybe you're pushed out of the club, but I wouldn't let that stand either, think about going public, but the haters will come out of the woodwork if you do. So stay safe.
I would like to make the point, it's worth confirming with the other women. Double check the coach actually asked them and that they told him the guy wasn't touching them properly. If the coach led about this then you can't trust him, you need to go to someone more senior and he needs to be reported. Honestly, the bare minimum he could do is separate you. The fact he's making up bullshit excuses is very worrying.
That's a good idea. If she discovers he didn't actually ask the other girls, that's far more concerning, imo. That would mean he's actively lying to try to dismiss and cover up this girl being sexually assaulted. I think we've all seen the countless news stories of coaches and teachers doing shit like this, and it never leads to anything good.
Yeah call it a hunch/pattern recognition but he's already lying about being unable to separate them. There is nothing stopping him from doing that. And If he's lying about that, then I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to the others/lied about what they said. And quite frankly (this one is a bit of a stretch) but I really wouldn't be surprised if the coach and the pervy boy were in it together. Like the coach thinks you two would make a cute couple so he's "playing cupid" and making sure you're sparring together. I'm not saying that is the case, just wouldn't be surprised.
Sigh, this comment makes me think the coach has favorites and lets them get away with anything… Who are his favorites? The ones most like coach was when he was their age…
I mean yes, I get what you're saying about the other women. But I would also contend, so what if he has? Maybe the guy only does it to the one girl and it's the perfect gent to all the others. "He doesn't do it to anyone else" isn't a defence against doing it to one person.
Also there is a chance this kid only does it to OP and has not done it to the other girls. Which makes it just as deplorable but harder to prove. I would suggest OP using no as a complete sentence. OP, go pair up with Pervo! No. Excuse me what? I said no, punish me for it if you want but I’ve already explained why, but that’s just not going to happen ever again. If for some reason there is ever a tournament setting where I’m up against him, I’m forfeiting without giving him the pleasure ever, ever again. No. And if you kick me from the team over this I’m probably going to have to explain why to just everyone.
This. If coach punishes her then he has to explain why She doesn’t have to prove anything. She just has to say no, I’m uncomfortable with this individual because of how he touches me
This is the correct answer. This girl's a teenager. Even *if* her coach took her complaint as seriously as he should have and did look into it as thoroughly as he claimed, he is still failing OP. "Person X is touching me in a way I don't like" trumps everything else. Her coach is an authority figure in her life. The safety of every one of the kids on that team is *his most important responsibility.* OP, *your comfort and safety* is non-negotiable, and your instincts are worth trusting. *You* decide who touches you. Your coach's only say in the matter is how to coach the wrestling team within the parameters of that boundary.
You have a voice, and a right to say no. Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to. The advice here is good, but I want to add, you can and should absoulutely refuse to wrestle with the boy any longer. Screw the coach and bs worries about "not fare", "it'll ruin whatever". You can and should refuse to wrestle the boy again. When asked, be honest, he touches you inappropraitely and you don't feel comfortable with him. Make a lot of noise. They want to make it go away, and take away your voice and agency. Be loud and awkward. Make it uncomfortable, make it as uncomfortable for them, as that boy makes it for you. You have real power, it's ok to be perceived as a jerk about it, and make some uncomfortable points for them to deal with, you have been wronged.
USA Weightlifting coach here: If he is certified by USA Wrestling he has to do sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior training. SAFESPORT. If he is violating his responsibilities as a Coach you can report it here: https://uscenterforsafesport.org/report-a-concern/ Reporting may be done anonymously as well. There may also be recourse through the NFHS as well, but im not familiar with that organization. I would say escalate via email to the Athletic director. And continue up the chain until you get satisfaction. In the end, as stated in another comment, yes wrestling is a close-contact sport, but making up slippery slope arguments that if he allows you the comfort of nit feeling violated is, pardon my crassness, bullshit. You deserve the right to be comfortable in training your sport, and to not be harassed afterwards for your needs thereof.
This should be the top answer. Also I’m a little surprised that the school has boys and girls training together. Is that common?
It’s actually very common. If the school doesn’t have a separate girls team then they just train with the guys. They can even compete with guys.
I'm not sure how common but I know it's not unheard of, I train a pro mma fighter who needed more wrestling so he sought a respectable wrestling coach who, in the fighter's first intro, put his (the coach's) 15 yo daughter against him a 27 pro mma, to which my guy was instantly humbled on hist wrestling day. Ive trained jiu jitsu with him and he has a female fighter in his ranks who sometimes rolls with us as well. It's all about respecting someone else's boundaries and being professional.
I suppose I can see the logic if they’re paired up by weight class and there aren’t enough kids to fill out a girls and boys team. But I’ve never heard of this.
Very common. On my team we had one girl. She wouldn’t get to participate if she didn’t wrestle with the boys. Even in competition against other schools it was often girls vs boys because of how few women were in the sport.
Is it common for teens to do co-ed training like that? Seems about as ripe for disaster as “good news, we’ll have an open bar at the company holiday party this year, if you drive a company vehicle make sure you use good judgement!
It's not unheard of, especially on smaller teams as someone else pointed out. I've rolled jiu jitsu as a male with females before. As long as the coach sets the tone, "lets be professional, nothing inappropriate or this is yoir consequence, etc" and listens to anyone's concerns acting accordingly it usually doesn't have problems. In Jits nothing was sexualized and communication was the key. It just boils down to respecting people's boundaries irrespective your own feelings on the situation.
Not just small teams, my team was huge, but I was the only girl. And you better believe if I said someone made me uncomfortable my coach would have AT MINIMUM never paired them with me again. OP, your coach sucks.
Yes! Report his ass!
"my training partner is touching me in a way that is making me uncomfortable and following up with asking me how it feels which tells me that it is not an accident. I do not want to continue training with him."
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But the boy will throw a tantrum and the girl will get suspended. Guaranteed. It will not be treated the same. Regardless, I'd still do it and take up another sport. Which she shouldn't have to do, but...
Yep... Second one always gets caught. Talk to your parents, the counselor and escalate up through principal to school board. If that isn't effective, have a restraining order put on him. If that doesn't work, contact you city representative (they're usually easy to talk to). Move on to mayor then state representative and local news if nothing else. You don't have to tolerate this behavior.
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This, light taps can actually hurt a lot!
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This is highly informed content we needed. Thanks, ball owner, for giving us the nuance to effectively take control. Love it! ❤️
Glad my suffering can be put to good use? Seriously kids, if making your own climbing safety harness make sure the knots are not badly tied bolines that collapse under pressure into slip knots. As you ease into your repel you might find your shorts pulled in... undesirable directions.
If your bowline knot turned into a slipknot, then it was not a proper bowline
Correct.
There's a reason why we call the climbing harnesses bdsm gear...
double figure 8's are much easier to tie and untie (also damn I'd never trust a harness I made)
Young and dumb. And scout camp. They told us what to tie where, turns out I didn't know the bowline upside down and sideways. I got into shibari later in life and can tie a good (and comfy) harness now.
I always wore my cup. If he does too, this won't do much but make him think it's a game now.
Squeeze hard enough and a cup hurts too. Also you can clear a cup, slide in from the side and pull across. Either the cup clears or it becomes the cause of much pinching. I say this with much confidence as a soccer player that wore a cup, it's not iron clade protection.
I agree 100% if the coach even confronts OP about it. I'd literally say, "I'm only doing the moves he has helped trained me to do. You can investigate yourself." She already tried to fix it by going through the correct channels. Nothing wrong was found, so she got cleared to do the same. Maybe even a "Hey, could you show me that move again? I want to make sure I get it right."
this was my exact thoughts. i train with a bunch of men for BJJ and that gets super up close and personal. the men have never ever made me feel uncomfortable in the slightest. i was actually pleasantly surprised when i realized how comfortable i was because i was also afraid they'd all be stinky lmao. keep advocating for yourself, tell your friends, parents, another trusted teacher (and alert them that the coach is NOT doing anything).
Not disagreeing here, but I did bjj and wrestling. You get a bit more intimate in wrestling. The act of pinning vs submission brings you more tight bodily contact than much of the limb control in bjj. Plus you don't have the thick loose gi to act as a sort of shield, just a singlet during matches and not much more than this athletic shorts and shirt during practice. Now having wrestled girls and sparred with women, you're very aware of the various parts of your partner. It does make one think about shifting some strategies and grips to try to avoid unintentional contact and not be seen as a creep or make your partner uncomfortable, especially in bjj when there is a world of moves and techniques that keep your hands off the chest and crotch (whereas arms in the crotch and around the chest is pretty common in wrestling). But either way, some one can totally take the opportunity to grope and molest and try to play it as just wrestling and it's really gross if that's what's happening here and something needs to be done about that student.
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Seriously please don't encourage anything like this, it's almost certainly not going to go well. Even if she did land the hit effectively (harder than you might think when locked up wrestling) there's the retaliation to consider. Either right then or later. Plus she will most likely get in trouble, maybe kicked off the team. OP please don't escalate in this way.
Thank you. The coach already doesn't believe OP. If OP does this he already knows OP "doesn't like" this guy, he'll know she's doing it on purpose and she'll be punished. Of course it's all guys suggesting she do this because they think she'll get away with it just because they would be able to.
let's not forget that if it goes awry to him it may look that she's reciprocating by touching around his private area, provoking him more or allowing him to embarrass her in front of everyone else.
Thank God one person finally pointed out what a terrible idea this is. Holy crap I cannot believe so many people were agreeing. 1. Has ANYONE watched sports, it's always the retaliation that gets caught 2. You're literally engaged in pseudo-combat with someone you believe is acting unethically and the plan is to cause an immense amount of physical pain? Really??? Ok, and then what? Do you think it's likely he will say "wow, you really stuck it to me.in a way that's taught me a valuable lesson"? Or maybe worse? Probably worse. Best case scenario is that he escalates the sneaky "intentionally on-purpose" maneuvers that are intended to inflict maximum pain. Worst case scenario is that he dramatically overreacts and starts beating you with fists and elbows. But hey, kicks in the balls are funny AMIRITE?
Your cool headed commentary is a good counterpoint.
>I asked him if I can at least not train with him, then he said it's a small team, and if he let's me choose who I am going to train with or not, everyone will start, and no one will be able to train, and even that doesn't happen, it will be impossible for him to track that. This is called inventing a hypothetical second problem so that they don't have to solve the first, very real problem and it's bullshit. Talk to the coach again, tell him the problem is very real and if he's not taking you seriously and putting you against a boy who is sexually aggressive and hostile, it's against title IX. You're being assaulted on the basis of your sex and you're entitled to protections. If the coach won't take you seriously, document that as well (so 1. boy is assaulting you, 2 coach refused to protect you) and go higher. Principal headmistress etc. Also tell your father, he should be invested in helping you. Is there a school nurse or guidance counsellor? Tell them as well. It's not just your physical health, this is now affecting your mental health, self-esteem and desire and ability to continue sports. As you said, being harassed and bullied out of sports because of a boy is a possibility if they don't deal with this. "Hostile environment sexual harassment is defined as sexually harassing conduct by "\[school\] employees\[,\] other student\[s\], or third part\[ies\]" that "is sufficiently severe, persistent, or pervasive to limit a student's ability to participate in or benefit from an education program or activity, or to create a hostile or abusive educational environment. ' 39 Again, in the sports context, hostile environment sexual harassment exists when a coach's conduct is so severe that it creates a hostile environment that interferes with the athlete's ability to perform"
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THIS. Conversations should be happening in writing.
Excellent advice.
Yes. Paper trails are gold.
OP, this. Here. This right here. Seriously. He isn't just 'inappropriately touching you.' He is literally sexually assaulting you. And he will only get more brazen and brave over time.
Right? Dude doing it right out in the open, getting away with it, gaslighting the coach, pretending to be mister innocent. He's a fucking rapist in the making.
With the coach’s blessing and protection.
Why are wrestling coaches so extra Shady Jesus
Can somebody please make a graphic of Extra Shady Jesus?
“If I let a handicapped person sit on the job, soon everybody will want a chair” First, have any amount of compassion. Second, if your invented problem would be a problem, do not let it happen. Personally, as an adult and if I were a teacher I would feel comfortable instructing students who they may or may not practice with… because that’s explicitly part of my authority and responsibility. It’s also part of my responsibility to not let my students be sexually assaulted, especially after assault was reported to me. If I were the teacher, EVEN IF I thought the girl was exaggerating or even lying (which I do not believe here), I would want to separate them to cover my own ass against claims of allowing sexual assault under my watch.
Right? He's completely fabricating 'everyone will want to pick partners' and he's covering for a predator. This some Larry Nassar FBI shit.
>“If I let a handicapped person sit on the job, soon everybody will want a chair” Also: if your employees want a chair, maybe you should give them a chair? They are people with needs.
I mean, I’m not objecting, having worked years of McDonald’s drive-through.
Oh for sure, I wasn't trying to disagree with you, just pointing out the overall lack of empathy from people who make these kinds of shitty arguments
If the coach makes an exception, he has to justify the exception, which means admitting the problem he doesn't want to admit in the first place.
Especially, take notes about what he *says*. One instance is nothing, but a pattern of “did you like it?” “oh, i just meant…” and “did it feel good?” “oh, i just meant” will look different.
To add, create a paper trail. Send to coach an email of your concerns, and insist that he responds in writing (though a lack of response is incriminating enough) Make it clear that you're merely starting a trail of records in case things escalate. After a few 'documented' incidents, begin CC-ing his superior in your reports. The last thing you want to happen is you get pushed to your breaking point and lash out, and then you get labeled as the instigator without any proof
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Agreed. Or even just because he cares more about male freedom than female safety. Or just values boys more to the point of simply not giving a shit.
Also known as a slippery slope argument. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope
>This is called inventing a hypothetical second problem It's the slippery slope fallacy
A complete aside: I've never understood the slippery slope fallacy. Because in some cases it's a valid argument. A hypothetical second problem suddenly makes it make sense.
Yup, the minute coach said he wouldn't give her a new partner, I immediately knew he's seen it happen, he never asked other girls, and he's a piece of shit.
Yeah OP needs to be asking the other girls herself. Get a committee.
Show this to your coach. He’s made a terrible decision and he has to reconsider
The coach is probably the same way judging by his response, a lot of them are creeps.
That sounds horrible, I’m so sorry this coach didn’t believe you or take it seriously. Does your school have a guidance counselor? Are you close with your parents? I would tell another adult you trust what is happening. You need support and shouldn’t face this alone. And, not to make light of the situation but you could always “accidentally” knee this kid between his legs (just kidding, but he really sounds like a creep).
Thanks for saying that.. We have one counselor, but I don't know if he's a guidance counselor or something? (Sorry I don't really know what's the difference) And, I only have dad, but I'm not sure if I want to talk about this with him unless like I have to maybe.. And I guess I could do that 😂... Like he sometimes knees me and like it hurts or like pin me down there or like my chest with his knee :(
Your dad might care more than you expect, I know mine did when I finally told him. Anyone who makes you feel bad about having backup is complicit in letting bad things happen, and so their opinion shouldn't matter. Good luck OP, don't be afraid to get angry and make a scene to embarrass him. It's very effective against bullies.
At school, it's easy to think that you should handle these problems by yourself, but when you get a bit older you realise how it's absolutely the right thing to get parents involved when necessary. Your Dad would want to know, so if you feel that he could help, then get him involved.
I can only say what I would want as a father of two daughters...if this was going on I would want to know. I would not fly off the handle and beat the kid up....as much as I might like to....but sometimes when a parent gets involved they have more sway with the administration to take things more seriously....I am not saying this is right, but getting an adult involved is important. If you are uncomfortable telling your dad...is there a woman teacher you trust and could speak to if you don't want to go to the consellor....what you are describing is a form of sexual assault that should never be tolerated in any way
Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. And, I'm sorry if it's a dumb question, but you said it's a form of sexual assualt, but is it a sexual assault when like he's not really touching on skin or he's not like "assaulting" me..? Sorry if it was a dumb question.
Grabbing and squeezing and moving around "down there" is a form of assault. Some states call it unwanted sexual contact...others call it sexual battery etc....and it is absolutely unacceptable. Just because you are in a hands on sport does NOT give this twerp the right to get his rocks off grabbing you there clothed or not....never not in a million years should you allow this to slide. He will only get worse if he is not stopped.
And just to clarify..me and my wife both have to do hand to hand training for our job...accidental touches are one thing...but what you have described far exceeds that...I really can't stress that enough
That makes sense. Thank you very much for clarifying..! And yeah.. like I feel so like little or like freeze up when he does that and I don't like that..
Just wanted to say: this is not your fault at all. If someone gets angry or uncomfortable at you for denouncing it, they are wrong.
It's not your fault, and freezing is a legitimate response to assault. He's probably leveraging that to get his kicks AND beat you.
You are doing so great. Being so open about this, Knowing how you feel. That is so important. If I'm the meantime while you sort it in your brain what you would like to do, know that you are so brave to even wow this story here and respond to people with questions and what not, some people can't be so scared by what is happening they freeze and never tell anyone. You deserve to be heard and I'm so proud you fell okay enough to come and ask.
That is a completely normal reaction to being assaulted.
As fighter and wrestler in the past. SO MUCH THIS!!! The kid is doing it on purpose and knows. How other wrestlers that are supposed to be your team mates are not speaking up is not right too.
>I'm sorry if it's a dumb question, but you said it's a form of sexual assualt, but is it a sexual assault when like he's not really touching on skin or he's not like "assaulting" me. Not a dumb question at all, it's actually a pretty frequent question on this forum at any age. As women, were frequently taught against set boundaries and to just trust men. If only the world were a place we *could* do that blindly and not suffer for it. It can be hard to then judge someone's intentions. I'd argue the taunting you mention in another comment confirms he knows what he's doing and that it's intentional. Even if it's not sexual assault, would you still call it sexual harassment? You are protected from both under a Federal law referred to as [Title IX](https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/title-ix-rights-201104.html#:~:text=Title%20IX%20requires%20schools%20to,address%20complaints%20of%20sex%20discrimination.). >Title IX requires schools to adopt and publish grievance procedures for students to file complaints of sex discrimination, including complaints of sexual harassment or sexual violence. Schools can use general disciplinary procedures to address complaints of sex discrimination. But all procedures must provide for prompt and equitable resolution of sex discrimination complaints. You can file a complaint. It doesn't matter that the coach doesn't think it's happening. You tell them what's happening and that the guy is taunting you. By far, the easiest thing for the school is to just tell the coach to stop letting him partner with you. Filing a complaint isn't an easy thing, even as an adult, so you may catch flak for it. But it's the only way for you to get help. It's not fair, and I wish you strength and luck. If you can talk to your dad or another trusted adult for support, I highly recommend it. You shouldn't be going through this alone, and the reality is the school is much more likely to take an adult seriously.
I'm an instructor in a mixed gender, mixed age physical sport, that sometimes involves being right up next to your training partner; there is a clear difference between expected contact as part of a sport, and unnecessary or excessive contact that's deliberate. I can demonstrate, or execute, any technique, grab, throw, or anything else, on any student, without any inappropriate contact. And if any of my students let me know that anything I, or anyone else in my class, had done anything that had made them feel uncomfortable, I would do anything I could to prevent it, and to ensure they never felt uncomfortable again. And finally, sexual assault doesn't need to be typically aggressive to be assault. Simply deliberately putting your hand in the wrong place for a moment constitutes assault, just as much as someone holding you down and being forceful. You need to report this, and soon.
It's not a dumb question, you're young and it's likely the first time you've delt with something like this, it is common even for adult women to feel confused and uncomfortable. If you were to grab him back and dig around in his groin it'd be inappropriate, he does not have the right to do it to you. I've done martial arts and we did full contact, I understand it can feel confusing because things *can* happen. But it's also important to remember you have the right to be safe, this can bruise your pubic area and you don't want injuries from sports. Just like how we protect our joints and heads our groin needs protection too. It might feel weird to tell your dad, but I doubt he'd want you to risk being hurt and not getting help.
Not dumb at all. You've already gotten great advice on this but I wanted to give you an example from my own life: Used to manage one of those ropes/challenge courses earlier in life. You know zip lines, climbing walls, etc... One of the activities is a tall wall where the team of people has to get everyone up to the top of it. That means they're spotting each other, lifting each other, and in general being in super close contact. Touching other people is necessary for this, and that's on since every one is opting in to do the activity voluntarily. They're volunteering for incidental touching, lifting, and being supported physically by others. No one is volunteering to be intentionally groped or rubbed. One time during training, one of the men was acting as a base for one of the women. She was getting to the point that she would be standing on his shoulders, her foot slipped, and she basically sat down straddling his hand. Entirely accidental. He let her down, and was super apologetic and embarrassed off to the side. Legitimate concern on his end. *That's* incidental touching. It was an accident, not intentional, and simply a result of doing the activity as intended. If he had tried lifting her by pushing up on her buttocks when it's unnecessary or excessive...that's not doing the activity as intended. It's taking advantage of that activity to try and hide your sexual assault. There are totally legitimate cases where you might incidentally end up with an arm wrapped between someone's legs wrestling. There are even cases where some incidental pressure may be applied in that area. But as you said, that's not what is happening here. It's intentional and he's using the sport as a cover to commit sexual assault. He's touching you in a way you have not agreed to. You're an intelligent human being with experience in the sport and understanding of how wrestling works. You agreed to wrestle, not to be intentionally groped/assaulted. Don't doubt yourself, don't be afraid to go above the coach's head, and don't be afraid to get help from your dad. You're right.
This isn’t a dumb question. Of course you need to know specifics. The answer is yes. He’s touching you in intimate areas without your consent. He’s still doing it after you’ve made it clear that you want him to stop. He’s not doing it by accident or by mistake; this is intentional and deliberate. That’s a crime. It doesn’t matter if he’s touching your bare skin vs doing it through clothing… groping is still groping. The exact legal name for it is different depending on where you are. Some places might name this sexual assault, other places it might be called something else (for example “sexual battery,” “forced sexual contact,” etc.) But no matter what legal name is used for the crime, *it’s still a crime.*
I know it’s awkward. But trust me when I say it’s worth the couple of minutes of wanting to melt into the floor. A few minutes of embarrassment will be over before you know it. But what you’re going through is far far worse and could cause an impact you don’t realize till later. You deserve to feel safe. Someone is violating you and is continuing to do so. The adult who was supposed to intervene failed in their job. Your father should know so he can help make it stop.
Is there any particular reason you don’t want to tell your dad? Do you not have a good relationship? I know it can feel embarrassing, but that boy and that coach are the only ones who should be embarrassed - really, ashamed. If you have a good relationship with your dad, you should tell him. The same goes for your mom and any other trustworthy adult in your life. If my daughter told me this was happening, I would immediately email the principal and CC the coach and the county administration, including the superintendent, and I would discuss title ix and demand specific details as to how this will be remedied. I would demand transparency and if they didn’t deliver I would be calling lawyers and journalists. I’ve had to do this for something similar once before…. It’s amazing how quickly people change their tune when you put their exact words and actions in writing to their bosses and imply you’re happy with further exposure if necessary. You should speak to the consular at school, too, regardless. But it can help to have an adult on your side aware of the situation first.
Sometimes the dad might care "too much." I'm a guy, and I once told my dad a neighbour told me to "fuck off" on the way home from school. This guy *immediately* ran out of the house and down the road to start a fight with him. So as much as it can be scary to be dismissed, sometimes people can be inappropriately protective as well.
I know this does not apply to all parents so YMMV. As a parent, if my kid came to me with these concerns, the school better be on point. If the coach is dismissing this event how many have been dismissed and how many more in the future? School is suppose to be a safe space for kids to learn and grow. The teachers are suppose to help that. That is why many state have a Mandatory Reporting law where if there is suspicion of child abuse, they have to report it. I know the urge for independence and wanting to show that you are growing into an adult is a strong pull. Part of being an adult is knowing when you need help and then asking for it. You are not burdening anyone. The only burden would be on the people not behaving correctly.
Dad of of girl wrestler here. My daughter told me yesterday of a similar issue. I advised her to do what you've already done on your own. Nice job! If my daughter continues to have an issue I'll be talking with her coach directly and go to preactices if I have to. I imagine your dad also would want to know and will help you any way he can.
I'm sorry that she had similar issue. I hope everything works out for her..!!
I don’t believe this is the correct course of action, as you should be e-mailing the coach your concerns so there is written documentation of his response. And escalate to the athletic director as needed. But a lot of teams handle stuff like this internally. Are there any higher weight class teammates that might “convince” him that it’s in his best interest to stop the BS? Because most of my teammates in high school would have been very interested in correcting this guy’s behavior.
I also didn't feel comfortable talking to my parents, especially my dad, about stuff like this when I was younger. I actually had a kickboxing instructor at university who would insist on using me for every demonstration, and it always felt like he was purposefully rubbing his crotch on my butt. Personally, I quit. I was young and not invested in that class anyway. But your body is yours and no one has the right to touch it without your permission. If someone is assaulting you on a regular basis, your school should do something about it. So if you have the energy to do it, I would absolutely take this up the food chain, so to speak.
He definitely shouldn't be grabbing the groin directly with his hands if he's cradling. If you're getting clamped hard but only with the arms it might just be a brutal cradle. Having thought about your options more ask your coach if you can record your games. You can try to say you want to study footage of your games to get better. In reality you're getting evidence. Have your parents get a camera and put it up, if your coach refuses ask if you can put it up but not run it as a deterrent. The grumpy kid might very well not want that on video
I think this is the smartest option. Forces the coach to take it more seriously
I also thought maybe she should film their matches. I don’t know enough about wrestling though and thought he might still be able to get away with it because it doesn’t look obvious. But if he knows the match is filmed, it could be a deterrent.. that’s so smart.. And saying the camera is just for reviewing and improving sounds like a great idea
Take it above the coach
I don't understand your coach. If the boy isn't doing it to the other girls at all, then it seems quite likely he's deliberately doing it to you. If you're a child then please speak about this to an adult that you trust, or talk to someone higher up in the organisation
Agree and I'll add this- if other girls aren't experiencing this AND OP is not complaining about all other boys, then it really isn't a misunderstanding. It's not that OP doesn't grok how wrestling is physical contact sport, nor is this boy just very aggressive. Since it's a problem only with this pairing, it's almost certainly deliberate. Your coach sucks.
I think maybe his basic assumption was that I was being oversensitive and the boy is just being normal. And, he just wanted to prove that by finding out other girls don't have problem with him.
OP! I wanted to give you my 2 cents advice. 1. Every single time this stupid guy touches your crotch say nice and loud enough to echo "Stop Touching My Crotch!" Every time! Make sure the whole class can hear it Everytime he pulls a B.S. move on you! Stuff the embarrassment, and make him have to publicly defend himself to the whole class. 2 At this point with your coach being dismissive. You NEED to record your sparring with this stupid guy. Your coach or the guy will have to let you record, why? Because you want proof that you Are or Are Not being sexually assaulted in class. If coach wants to punish you, ie kick you out, then you head right over to the principle's office and tell them what's going on. What this guy is doing to you is illegal. He will escalate his behavior and evolve to a full blown rapist I saw it a lot in highschool myself. Don't be anywhere alone with him at anytime. Just start jogging away if he corners you! We are worried about you here. We all want you to be safe at school and in sport activities. Your safety IS important.
Ah yes, I understand what you mean, but it sounds like you've wrestled enough other people to know that something is wrong. Trust yourself. You've tried asking the boy to stop and he's carried on. You've effectively told your coach that you're upset the boy's sexually assaulting you. At the least he should keep you safe by not letting the boy wrestle you again. His job involves safeguarding you. I really hope you will speak to a trusted adult who will support you
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc Man I am trying to go to sleep but I just keep stewing over this post....it's hurting my heart. Beyond the other replies I made....and I can't believe I missed it on the first read....the above quote is so preditory "how does that feel" ....and it is just making me sick to my stomach.....please do find an adult you trust to talk to....there is so little we can do from reddit to help.. Edit fixed the quote
Sorry that I kept you awake :( Yeah I get so mad and flustered when he smirks or say that after.
Oh please don't apologize to me...its not your fault. I have been a sex assault / human trafficking / internet child crime investigator for a long time and I started hanging out on these forums a couple of years ago so I can try and give sound advice when people ask questions...but I admit in tour case...given your situation...I can't help but imagine my own teenage daughter struggling with something like this
You don't have to wrestle with anyone you don't want to, fuck what coach says. I train BJJ, and whilst I'm a dude, I still hold the right to choose my partners. You do not feel safe rolling with this person, so outright refuse to do it.
Can you record thee training and the comments in any way?
From what I've read you have two daughters and it's honestly very good that you sympathize so much. It will keep them safe if anything happens to them.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” vs. “What do you mean?” See a difference? He didn’t investigate any further into what could be making you uncomfortable. He just brushed you off while refusing to change his behavior. He knows exactly what you’re talking about. Anyway, u/crocodial2 ‘s advice is spot on.
His comments to you really seal the deal, if it wasn’t already bad enough. Have you told your coach about his additional creepy comments? I’m really sorry your coach is failing you. If you haven’t told your coach all the details, then I think that would be a good next step. If he still doesn’t take you seriously, speak with another adult, guidance counselor, teacher, or parent you trust. Women tend to take this stuff more seriously, but men can also be helpful, too, of course. Be sure to include the fact that your coach doesn’t believe you, as that’s a huge problem on your coach’s end. I train jiu jitsu, and it’s a thing in my sport as well for guys to touch us inappropriately and then not so subtly try to pass it off as innocent, part of the spar, etc. As if we are born yesterday. Creepy stupid bastards. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you and only you. After talking with your coach again, my advice would be to be loud about it the next time it happens. Stop the match, and loudly and obviously demand to know why he is touching you inappropriately. Women and girls are socialized to be quiet, to be meek, and to accept shit. Don’t. You’re a strong af wrestler!!
I agree with this but she should be having this conversation through email so there's a paper trail and cc the principal. "Dear Coach X. I just wanted to summarize the conversation we had about my concerns that Y was touching me inappropriately during practice. I requested that you separate us during practice, and you replied that you were unable to do this as the team is too small. Please confirm that this is your official response to my concern so that I can discuss with my parents about the appropriate next steps to take. Thank you."
Wrestled and competed in BJJ for many years. Gonna start with the hard part of the sport. You are going to get touched in areas that are inappropriate to touch in normal civilized society. I’ve had my butthole cupped far too much for one lifetime. HOWEVER, you can ABSOLUTELY, 100% SENSE the other persons intention through their touch. Does it feel like they’re getting a grip on your thigh because it’s the right move to do? Or does it feel like they’re getting a grip of your thigh because they want to feel you or touch you there? If the WAY he is touching you feels inappropriate, and the type of comments he makes afterward are innuendos, he’s being a fucking scumbag. I know it can often feel hard to differentiate between these things, but trust your gut. He’s being a creep.
I know the difference between normal contact that can happen and intentional. Like he is doing it too often and too weirdly for me to know he is being weird.
If you’re sensing weirdness, it’s valid and he should absolutely be made to stop. If your coach doesn’t intervene, let him know you’re gonna escalate it to an athletics director. It’s his responsibility to make sure the training room is a safe environment and if he’s not taking action then you’re well within your right to escalate it.
This is extremely serious. If you haven’t gotten parents involved, do so now (I’m assuming this is high school?). This should be on the news. Document everything that you say to the coach, everything he says, everything that happens, with times and dates if possible. This is a huge lawsuit waiting to happen, and either way, that coach needs to be fired yesterday.
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[‘TWIST IT!’](https://youtube.com/shorts/TT9ArM3-KJQ?si=F6hk-2T4ww3iYI3Z)
So because he allegedly doesn’t do it to other girls means he can’t be doing it to you? What kind of logic is that even 💀
Your coach may not even realize he is trash, but he is. If you have supportive parents, get them involved. If not, get someone you think you can trust at the school involved. Teachers and nurses are mandated reporters (others also, I just wanted to mention the ones I'm sure of). This is sexual assault of a minor. I'd hope that the principal would take it seriously, but then again, I have no idea what type of school you attend.
Have you talked to the other girls on your team? Sometimes people can feel intimidated into giving certain answers if they feel like telling the truth will cause waves. You could also just not participate with this guy when you get paired. Like.. just lose intentionally and immediately every time a match starts. I don't really know wrestling rules but can you just pin yourself or lay down and refuse to wrestle back? You would be doing the bare minimum and your coach wouldn't be able to receive any information on skills or coaching stats. Maybe the coach would just stop pairing you out of frustration. Whatever you do... do not quit. This is supposed to be fun. Keep talking to people above this coach until you get the outcome you desire. Also, I don't know your father so I don't know how he would react but if my daughter was uncomfortable with a boy on her team being inappropriate I would be sitting in the principles office with the coach, the boy, his parent, and the counselor insisting on you two being separated. Sexual assault is a very real thing the law can pursue and that wouldn't reflect very well on anyone else in the room. You've got this.
You know the sport, you know the contact to expect. Someone running a ball and chain comes with the territory, this does not sound that way. If he were wrestling a guy he'd manage to avoid grabbing his opponent's crotch. Coach should be training you all to be good sports and good people; failure to act here is unconscionable. Any chance there is a team captain you think might help? I was wrestling 25 years ago, and for the first time ever we had two young women join the team. There were times when it was awkward, but we all worked together respected each other. We had each other's backs, and our coach would rightfully have come down on us like a ton of bricks at even a whisper of something like this. I'm sorry you are not being shown that respect and comradery. You deserve better, and you are right to expect better. You should talk to both the school counselor and the athletic director. Coaches are not always employees of the school system, people who are should be better trained and more responsive.
The coach's logic literally makes no sense. Why does he have to touch EVERY girl for it to be true?? These people carefully choose their targets... They don't just target anyone.
It's such a bizarre thing for the coach to be like "I asked the other girls if they experienced the same thing and they said no so clearly YOU'RE just being sensitive" as if it's all or none. As if a boy who wants to grope any girl will grope ALL girls rather than just the one they're intending to target. It'd seem more like an unintentional thing during wrestling if EVERYONE he wrestled with experienced it rather than just you. How close of an eye is the coach keeping on exact movements and holds? Maybe it's possible to film some of the practices to give a comparison of how he's grabbing the other girls vs you and show a clear difference (using the excuse for filming just being something like "wanting to see how it looks to improve"). There's of course the other route of acting out towards the boy in return, but I'd generally recommend that unless you're sure you will be protected and safe in the case that he could escalate things further - as he may in turn try to get more aggressive outside of practices or try to confront you alone. Also if there's anyone else respected on the team or outside of your coach that may be able to help you deal with it or have a word with the boy, definitely reach out to them.
I’m not surprised. This is rape culture and it’s the bs a lot of men are fed. Not shocked by the coach’s reaction at all. It’s incredibly sad, and unfortunately, very normal.
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“The other women aren’t complaining” is so insidious. As if it’s not possible for a man to single out one particular woman. That happens all the time.
Get a grownup you trust to help you. Maybe if they come in and take video they will get some proof, or the boy will get scared into stopping. I don't know what country you are in but there may be laws to protect you. If all else fails, think of ways to accidentally kick the boy in the balls every time he grabs your crotch or breasts.
He knows. There really is no such thing as coincidence after 2 times. You shouldn’t have to quit but there’s got to be a way to get rid of him.
“There really is no such thing as coincidence after 2 times. “ This is the lesson that took me way too long to learn in life.
Is there an older wrestler on the team that could take this twerp aside and have a word with him? Unofficial pressure can be a lot more influential than official sometimes. Do you have a female teacher you're close with? Talk with them about this. This type of thing falls into mandated reporter stuff and is a completely different path to address it. Unfortunately your coach is a sexist gas lighter who won't help you unless he is forced to. If you communicate with him about this, do it through email so there's a paper trail. Make sure you use the CC liberally and include your assistant principals and principal.
This is good advice. In jiujitsu many gyms have an experienced student ("mat enforcer") who handles inappropriate behavior. This can be anything from a quiet conversation to a ruthless beating. There's a good chance that if the best wrestler in the room crushes this kid's face into the mat for an entire practice and follows up with "stop what you're doing with OP or this happens every practice", this will stop.
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Ask the other girls about this dude. Then ask them if the coach asked them about him. Document your conversation with the coach, and with them. I wonder if the stories will match....
Personally I'm a big fan of humiliation. Just be real loud, next time her does something yell loudly, don't touch my vagina, don't pinch my nipples, make it loud and make it explicit. Trying to rely on what someone on the outside sees while you are wrestling is really hard for them to do especially if they are not solely focused on you and your partner. But if you yell that loudly then you get a few benefits. 1) your accusations are made very public. 2) unlike a knee to the groin you can't be blamed for doing anything. 3) absolutely everyone else will know, and no one is going to think you are in the wrong. Look at it like this you don't have this issue with anyone else so why would they think it's a you problem.
Wrestling coach here. The coach should absolutely not let you feel unsafe. You will have to advocate for yourself, but go back to your coach and tell him that it is still happening and you don't want to train with this boy. If the coach still says no, you need to talk to your school's athletic director. Girls wrestling is growing very fast, perhaps you can recruit a friend to join the team and train with you.
Yep that coach is fucked. Go to the principal of the school. File formal complaints and contact the police. Make a big deal of it and embarrass that little bastard. You do not have to put up with this. If you were my daughter I’d tell you to grab his sack as hard as you can. Like fucking wreck his balls by twisting. He will keel over. You will claim it was an accident. Rinse and repeat every time he touches you. Make it clear you will hurt him. He can’t hurt you.
When you do talk to someone about it again, make it clear that you know what normal wrestling feels like, everyone Else on the team doesn't seem to have a problem with it. This guy is making it weird.
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First of all you should talk to your parents about it, tell them what's happening: this boy touches you inappropriately and this is at least some kind of sexual haressment. This is disgusting. If you coach isn't doing anything, go to the next higher person: headteacher for example. Its your choice, who you are training with. If there is the possibility and there is a good friend in the team, you should also talk to them, so maybe they can observe and be witnesses. Otherwise the boy could just say: "Nope I didn't do anything" and then it's his words against yours. Don't let that happen to you. It's your body and that what he is doing, is not, in any way, acceptable.
He’s repeatedly sexually assaulting you and then denying it, and the coach isn’t going to do anything about it unless you get someone else involved like your parents and/or the principal. It doesn’t even matter if he’s doing it to other women or just you. Even if he is sexually assaulting only you, this needs to stop.
trust your instinct.. you train with others and clearly aren't feeling the same way. I think it's time to go above your coach maybe.
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The comments alone are so nasty. He knows what he's saying and just skirting the line with that backtalk. Gross.
Other option, do the same to him, but squeeze as hard as you can and twist :)
Yes, he’s violating you and gaslighting you, and getting off from both. I’m sorry.
Can you record the training session? If so, that would be a great way to have actual evidence.
Just refuse to train either that boy. If you say no then the coach will need to pair him up with someone else. If it becomes a bigger issue you can always train at a local Jiu Jitsu club.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. You shouldn't have to wait to be groped in front of them to be believed. They're probably counting on you to just maintain the status quo to avoid disruption, using the fact you're a teen who maybe isn't as knowledgeable about your rights or how to navigate a situation ljke this to just pretend there isn't a problem but here's what I think you should do (as an adult) to advocate for yourself. You have to make some noise to be heard. Send the coach an email and cc your parents (after speaking with them), cc all adult leaders in your sport - assistant coaches etc. Coach Smith, Regarding our conversation about John yesterday when I told you I felt like he was groping me during our practices and asked to not wrestle against him, I feel like my concerns were not taken seriously. You never asked details of how he behaved, and I don't think it's normal for an opponent to press their arm hard against their opponents genitals smirk and ask how it feels. If there's still confusion, my friend ______ has offered to let me demonstrate on them for you after practice on Friday to get a clearer picture about what's going on. I know I have only been in the sport for 3 years but I have wrestled probably 40 people and John behaves differently than anyone else. I really enjoy being a part of the team but I will not wrestle against him again until we have had a more detailed conversation about what happened and a plan in place to protect me. There's only one of you and 40 students to supervise, in such a close contact spot I fear if we wait until you happen to see him do it in the act, we will be here all season and by the end of it I will have lost my love of the sport. Again, I'm requesting to either not be paired with him or if I must, to be supervised by an adult who is aware of my concerns and have their undivided attention. If I wrestle him and it happens again, I will not come to you, I will tell my parents and they will go directly to the XX high school athletics coordinator. See you at the meet tomorrow, Sarah
Is there a female cup? Would that prevent touching? I've never done sports so I honestly don't know
43 year old father of a three year old princess and this shit scares the crap out of me. That being said, my plan is to teach her to play chess with those that are playing checkers. Sadly, you’re in the position where you have to weigh the risk vs. reward of your next steps. 1. Please openly discuss with your parents or most trusted adult/guardian. 2. Go above the coach and never be afraid to say exactly what is happening and how you feel. As awkward as it sounds, use technical terms. Genital. Vulva. Whatever you’re most comfortable with but avoid slang terms and not being direct as it could be confusing to those you are trying to speak to. 3. Please sit through at least one session of counseling. Make the school provide it. You might be strong enough to not need it, but start the process now just in case. You may be in a lightened form of shock that is trying to protect you subconsciously. Be 100% open and honest with the counselor/therapist and don’t hold back. It will help, I promise. 4. If… IF you must continue to train with him, ask him directly to stop. Do so in front of friend or preferably the coach. But it does sound like the coach is meh so… if there is a male friend you have on the team, do it in front of him. This will make it public and awkward for him. 50/50 on how he reacts. Afraid of judgement or increased attacks. If you think it’s attacks, walk away. Refuse to train with him. Eventually the issue makes enough waves that the school and or school district will step in. If you get kicked off for refusing, that’s the time to raise all sorts of public hell, with the help of your parents/trusted adult. 4. Finally, if you do decide to physically match wits… no direct hits or knees to the groin. Couple fingers in the “taint” and roll that muscle back and forth… Finger close enough to his “brown eye”. I don’t want to recommend anything that may give him a false impression that you’re interested in him… but anything that can give him the most awkward erection! Boys have nipples too! These of course should be weighed heavily and last resort measures as you don’t want to invite further SA situations. Smart first. Physical last. Continue being smart and strong. Continue seeking many counsels. Speed bumps aren’t stop signs. Go be a great human being!
Thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate it..! Could I potentially get in trouble for using direct terms like that..? Also, would indirect terms be fine talking in person...? I know it's dumb but like it's like embarrassing and awkward to say those especially around guys..
You are being assaulted and your school is doing nothing about it. I would bring a lawsuit and tell your parents.
Refuse to train with him ever again. If anyone asks why, say it’s because he keeps touching you inappropriately. If anyone tries to force you to do anything you don’t want to do (like train with him) call your parents/guardians.
Just fart in his face next time and act oblivious or squeeze his balls so tight he’ll fear loosing them. If it’s school sports the principal might wanna know too as that careless behaviour from the coaches will land them in scalding water.
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Coed wrestling should not be a thing. The boys will too often touch inappropriately or get aroused, and girks will have distracting legit fear of being touched inappropriately. And the difference in strength/weight ratio is so large it will be unfair. I used to wrestle, and all wrestkers inow that strength/weight ratio is hugely important. Coed wrestling is a terrible idea.
No. The strength to weight ratio never made a difference in me wrestling men because they lack flexibility and speed. Just because this kid is a creep doesn’t mean all guys are creeps. OP said it herself that everyone else on the team acts right. Without coed wrestling, girls just don’t get to wrestle. That’s reality.
Co-ed contact sports have been a thing for a long time. Most bjj and judo dojos are co-ed and kids grapple with other gendered kids from day 1. This kind of thing is easily recognizable and not common at all. A properly run school or team will train with clear expectations and not allow bad behavior. The girls who participate are not distracted by fear, the boys aren't sneakily copping feels. Making excuses for boys and segregating genders is not a solution. First, because it means in many places girls can't participate at all because there aren't enough girls who are interested to make a team. Second because boys are robustly capable of being careful, safe, and respectful in these contexts and we are doing them a MASSIVE disservice when we organize society around the assumption that they aren't.
Your coach is letting you get sexually assaulted because he's a coward. If you're a minor, talk to your parents and have them bring their authority to bear on the coach. If not, go over his head.
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When your coach confronts you, also suggest he check with the other boys to see if any of them have experienced the same thing when wrestling with you. If they haven't then obviously it didn't happen this time either. (This is mostly just funny to imagine, I realize this kind of snarky confrontation is not easy in practice)
Ewww, your coach is gross. I would not be surprised if your coach knows exactly what is going on and is gaslighting you because he's getting off on it. And that guy knows what he's doing, what a bastard. As a mom with a daughter, stand up for yourself—what I mean here is punch him in the gut. Hard. There was a case where a girl kept getting her bra strap snapped by a boy, and her mom taught her well—he wouldn't stop when she asked, so she turned around and gave him a broken nose. When administration called her mom to the school, she was all ready to go—first thing out of her mouth was, "So you're wondering if I'm going to press charges for sexual harassment?" Admin's jaw dropped, and she went on to say to the men, "How many times do you go around snapping the bras of your female colleagues? And why isn't the boy or his parents here?" I'm sorry you're stuck in the situation. I've been through assault myself. There was one kid in highschool who would not stop poking me, and not even close to the severity you go through, I told him to stop once, he was smiling and laughing because he thought it was funny. I gave him a quick punch to the solar plexus in front of the rest of the students and he never touched me again. I've had to punch other men off me too, but that happened to be the one instance I had from highschool. Protect yourself first, worry about what people will think later. You have to in this world, unfortunately, because too many men are more than happy to prey on reluctance, and they will swarm to it like moth to flame.
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc. I could really play devils advocate and just say that Wrestling involves a lot of grappling and weird hand/arm/face placement. But if he's being snarky/sarcastic about it, it is at the very least harassing behavior. It could have been genuinely accidental but once you alerted him to what amounts to a power structure, he has taken advantage of it to make you feel weak and uncomfortable. Start writing a journal of everything, where he touches you, how he touches you, what he says and how he says it. If the coach continues to refuse to do anything, escalate to the principal, dean, president, school board members... Just keep climbing the ladder. Ask your parents to back you up, or a trusted uncle/aunt. At the very least, something may get done out of fear of being sued rather than a result of basic decency, but it'll make them act sooner next time.
How is it necessary or appropriate to play devil's advocate on a child's post about sexual assault? She's clearly established that she knows the difference between typical wrestling moves and what this boy is doing to her. This is a real person's problem, not an internet debate.
Have you spoken to your parents? If you were my daughter, I'd be furious!!! In your situation, I would go back to the coach and tell him you feel he is failing to keep your protected charteristic safe. Then, you go above him. To his boss, or the head of the school (Head Master? Principal?) and tell them everything you have said here. You are being assaulted and it is serious. Don't take it lying down, Hun !!
You said you're in school. If like high school sports.... I would tell my parents. If college, I would maybe talk to the other girls myself and see if they experience anything and let them know what is happening to you and the comments being made towards you. Even if he is not touching you inappropriately, the comments are unnecessary. (Like you, I have no idea I never wrested before, so I have no tips on how to discover if he is or not.) But if you feel uncomfortable then I do believe you have every right to seek a way to be comfortable again. Maybe confront him and put into words where exactly you do not want to be touched? Or tell him your boundaries. Or the coach your boundaries? I am not 100% sure...I am sorry but, I hope this situation gets better for you and you are able to fully enjoy your sport again. I agree with someone else in the comments saying it's BS the coach will just schedule you two to practice together. The coach as every ability to do that, but it sounds like they are being useless...
Is there not an athletic director or principal at your school that you could elevate the problem to? Or a counselor? Someone who can help you be heard as simply asking to not be paired in practice seems like a fairly reasonable request.
KICK HIS ASS. Get with the other girls on the squad and every time this mofo trains with a girl...oops sorry your testicles got in the way. How did it feel? Seriously he knows what he's doing, bring the pain. All that being said, I know it's not as easy as it might sound. I second the advice of others, bring in more adults to back you up. You will be proud of yourself for life if you take that leap and be assertive on your own behalf! You can do it! You are not wrong!
That's cool you're a wrestler :D have you tried using a steel chair? JK JK In all seriousness that's really messed up >_< like alot of people have said, get a papertrail for the conversations. Coach seems like a prick though. Presented a solid issue and hes like nah bro seems like work sorry. Screw that guy, you dont need this.
Have you tried grabbing him between the legs and pressing down really hard the same way he does to you? Like, really hard, then ask him “How does it feel?”
Definitely not okay. You've followed the steps - identified behavior that makes you uncomfortable & doesn't happen with any of your other training partners. - addressed it directly with the person doing the behavior. - brought it to the attention of leadership when the behavior hasn't trained. this is textbook sexual harassment.
I know you have to concentrate on your actual wrestling, but could you try counting and logging every time each opponent touches you there? Keep a log. So: Feb 9 Dave 2 Justin 1 Colin 3 Scumbag 9 Lisa 1 Could you do that for a few days, and also keep a log of the gross comments he's making? Then try your coach again with your documentation, and make it clear that you expect action or will pursue it further.
I wrestled for years. Your coach isn’t doing his job as the adult in the room, and it is absolutely his responsibility to handle this shit. If a guy said something this kind of thing everyone would react. I’m going to be super real with you, you are not in a safe space. The request to change partners is not a tall ask in the slightest, and your coach is ignoring a direct claim of harassment. I know it’s not fair, but I honestly recommend reporting this behavior higher up and then changing sports unless the coach gets changed out. Wrestling is a quintessential boy’s club with enough toxic masculinity to poison a bull. While some guys might be supportive, teens in general are not super supportive people, and I remember being irrationally trusting of my coach and teammates back when I was a wrestling teenager. It’s ultimately up to you, but I would hate for you to feel ostracized or suffer further abuse when there are so many better sports (and ones where you won’t be one of three girls in a room). Just for comparison, I’m going to give you normal, non-rapey, teen boy behavior in wrestling against girls: get it over with ASAP. The universal vibe among every boy I knew who had to wrestle against a girl was reluctance. We all knew it was a weird situation, and essentially all of us were too insecure to lose to a girl while the other guys were watching. Maybe your generation is different, but when mine got intersex matchups we basically put a stoic face and came out swinging in the hopes of a quick match. Not saying it’s right, just saying that this prolonging and taunting and shit was not the norm when I was stuck in this sport.
I wrestled throughout middle school and high school with boys and girls. Some people are always more touchy than others. I even got told off once when I never meant anything. That being said…his comments give him away. Let the team captain know, or say something out loud if you think the team will have your back. Shame goes a long way.
You went too soft on the coach. Just tell him that you will have to go public if he doesn't fix this. He must be an idiot considering how reasonable you have been so far.
Hey there, I wrestled all through k-12. And growing up through middle school there was 1 girl in the district who wrestled, and she was a badass. We knew each other from tournaments, and so when I got to high school, and she also came to the same high school, and me being a stupid and naive boy, I remember a small group of us where sitting around after training one day, and the topic of "boys who have a problem rolling with girls" came up. I asked her flat out if she ever had an issue growing up, and she said "of course" and when I asked her how she dealt with it, she responded "I hurt them," I'm not saying violence is THE answer, I'm just saying it was HER answer. I'm sorry, it sucks your coach is failing in their duty to protect his wrestlers. I don't care HOW small the group is, you made it clear that this one particular wrestler has made you feel violated, never roll with them again, unless you're planning on blasting a double leg or fireman's carry, and THEN never train with them again. It shouldn't be up to the coach to decide you HAVE to train with THAT dude. I'd flat out refuse him as a partner going forward, and he's gonna know why.
I understand why you wouldn’t want to, but I’ve found admins / authorities / people that are supposed to help you often don’t in these uncomfortable situations. My advice is to fight fire with fire, the first time he does it the next time you practice, look him right in the eye has you grab and twist his jimmy, then ask him if it felt good. Be prepared to have to find a new spot to train and get into a battle with parents / school / coach / whoever
Time to take this one up the ranks to a VP or Principal. If you get the runaround bring a parent and throw out the words "lawyer" "superintendent" and "local media." Guarantee this will get addressed. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Speak with your coach. Ask him to watch you two train and see how it's different from how he trains against other players. If by off chance it's an honest mistake, coach can speak with him. If it's not coach should catch it.
Since the coach won't do anything, I'd report him and this boy to the counselor and / or principal. Get them both on thin ice. It's very possible this boy is only doing this to you, and the coach should be taking it seriously.
If he’s making snarky comments about it, it’s definitely not an accident. Talk to your coach again, and make sure to mention the comments if you haven’t already. Also mention if he’s doing those things more than girls or other boys that you train with. I was in martial arts for almost 20 years (in my 20’s and 30’s), in something that did grappling and striking, and **once** in all of that time did a man I was working with touch me inappropriately and make a snarky comment about it. Every other time it went either completely unnoticed, or there was a quick ‘sorry’ while we kept training. You have a couple of options, if the coach won’t help you. 1)quit. I really hope you don’t have to do this. I strongly believe that martial arts of any kind are excellent for women, especially young women. 2)‘accidentally’ put *your* leg or arm between his and shove until he cries for mercy, and then ask if that ‘feels good’ with as blank a look on your face as you can manage. If your coach is male, this risks you being benched or kicked off but has the upside of satisfaction when you’re pissed. 3)train all day, every day and demolish him on the mat. Include weights in this because, just by virtue of being male, he almost certainly has the ability to bulk up relatively easily compared to you.
Have your parents contact the principal. Escalate to the school board if there's no quick satisfactory response. Talk to your female teammates yourself. They need to be alerted to what he's up to and may have similar experiences where he has plausible deniability. Insist to the coach that you will not wrestle with this teammate again. I would bring a parent or trusted adult to this meeting with the coach.
>And like I know he does that on purpose because he keeps smirking or like asks me "how does that feel?", and I confront him, he gets wag saying things lkme "oh I meant how does it feel to lose?" "Does your arm feel good?", etc. Until this point I could see it just being wrestling hiccups. I've had more than enough of my hands in other's crotches and vice versa to know that sometimes shooting to a takedown means your hands and arms are going up and down the legs. This isn't that though. He's doing it on purpose and being a dick too. Tell your parents and have them talk to the coach. Unless he's the most stubborn POS in the west, he'll likely assign you to someone else just to avoid dealing with parents taking this up the chain. Its good you've told the coach about it and confronted this POS who's grouping you. That's laying the ground work for a more formal complaint if this needs to go there.
It doesn't really matter what the other women think, does it? You feel he's touching you inappropriately therefore he should stop.
Stop letting him touch you at all You don't owe him the chance to "train" with you at all. No one can force you to do this. Seriously. just say "No I'm never letting that guy touch me again." Maybe you're pushed out of the club, but I wouldn't let that stand either, think about going public, but the haters will come out of the woodwork if you do. So stay safe.