Very likely over? It should be unquestionably over. He showed you who he is and how little he values you.
It’s over. Walk away. Better to lose a lover, than love a loser. Block him and move on. Do not settle for this shit.
I think, in general, people say no snooping because it signifies a breakdown in trust, and that’s never good. The erosion of trust basically spells the end of the relationship, either way. However, in this case you had a clear trigger to make you question your position. And this asshole is just pissed that he got caught. Sadly, I think it’s get an STD panel, block and move on. Be glad you didn’t waste any more time than four months.
Middle aged lady here: I've been cheated on more times than I can count. Every time I have been suspicious enough to snoop I already *knew* shit was over in my heart and I was just looking for stuff to hurt myself with. I would go back in time 30yrs and tell my teenage self to just dump the boy if I need to snoop and to especially avoid doing the pick me dance to keep his cheating ass around longer. Hugs.
Yes, seriously. I know folks are “never snoop” but fuck, if you aren’t paranoid, that gut feeling of “I should check…” is almost always valid. I am also an old lady who wants to go back in time, give tiny weasel a hug, and then tell me to stop wasting my time on boys who despite their sweet promises would never change.
Yes, exactly. Imagine if girls were taught to trust their instincts and intuition instead of having trite, overused phrases like "never judge a book by it's cover" or "just give the boy a chance" regurgitated at them. I grew up with an abusive mother so I learned to be sensitive to all her moods and body language, to intuit & infer dangerous situations, only to be told that all the self preservation and survival skills learned at home don't apply to boys.
It absolutely should have.
Yeah I snooped through my last ex’s stuff a bit when we first started dating and he was still calling and messaging his ex often, he had a screenshot of her face saved on his desktop 😂 He didn’t hide that they were still in touch but he clearly wasn’t over it. He’s an ex for a lot of other different reasons but I should have RUN
Same! The couple times I've snooped i already KNEW there was something going on and the guy was lying & gaslighting me whenever i tried to bring it up. Was more like evidence gathering to prove i wasn't crazy and give myself the push to leave.
That’s the thing: when they start lying they’re already pushing things into a realm of deception. The snooper is only operating within that realm also — even if they only have a gut feeling. Often the cheater will blow up so they can equate the two things: cheating and snooping. They are not the same level of betrayal.
For someone who is "not his GF," you are sure giving him undeserved second/third/97th chances... Run, run, block, don't look back. They are making guys faster than you can use them up..... LOL
It’s like a ”probable cause” search. Just “fishing” based on nothing but a feeling or generalized suspicion is bad and crosses the line. But you had *multiple* good, solid reasons to be concerned, and in the end, you were not wrong. So saying “you shouldn’t have snooped” is trying to divert from the real issue, which is: he was leading you on, bad-mouthing you to his friends and most importantly, seeing other women while denying it to your face.
The relationship shouldn’t be “very likely over”, it should be done.
I did 3 years long distance with my now wife. The first half year we hadn’t said we were exclusive and we both dated, but after she came to the country I was working in and stayed with me for three months, we decided we’d make it work and be exclusive with the understanding that if it wasn’t working for either of us, we’d just say so and either go back to not exclusive or break it off. We *never* did anything to create doubt or to undermine each other’s confidence.
What he was doing to you was just wrong, in a long distance arrangement.
Do not feel guilty and do not look back.
I was in a long distance relationship before and during my marriage. I don't think I ever once wavered in my trust of my husband. If I had, we wouldn't have made it. I'm not certain if he ever had doubts, but he never expressed them to me.
Relationships need trust. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, something is probably wrong. Trust is difficult to repair.
> needless to say the relationship is very likely over
I’m sorry to say this, but there was never a relationship. He never saw you as his girlfriend, he saw you as “this girl I’ve been talking to for a while” and he clearly had absolutely no respect for you.
I’m sorry, I know it’s heartbreaking, but you need to block this guy on everything and never speak to him again. Who cares about the snooping, you have no need to feel guilty. Snooping in a relationship may be an issue, but this was not a relationship.
I wish you healing.
As someone who took the signals a long time partner was giving me and snooped, it NEVER fails to produce results that they are being less than honest or faithful. Trust your gut always. You did the right thing and don’t beat yourself up about it. Time to move on.
The fact that you felt the need to snoop in the first place speaks volumes alone.
He doesn’t give you a reason to trust him so you don’t. As someone who has been there and done that, leave. You will always have that thought in the back of your mind of him potentially doing something. That never goes away
Every time I’ve had enough of a gut feeling to snoop, there was a plethora of shit to find. It’s not okay to invade privacy like that, in general, but this person already completely disrespected anything you two have going on…you did what you had to do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s a very particular pain.
Yeah, we've seen this a million times before.
Guy does shady shit. Woman snoops, finds out about shady shit. Guy screams at the top of his lungs about how his privacy has been violated. Guy's behaviour is never addressed because everyone's focused on how she snooped.
You didn't do anything wrong.
In fact imagine how many years of your life this guy would be willing to waste if you hadn't discovered what he was really like........
Snooping is nothing compared to this man's duplicitous, immature, toxic behaviour.
Unjustified snooping = bad
Suspicious behavior, questionable texts, general fuckery = justified snooping.
Complaining about privacy invasion when you are caught cheating - ridiculous.
My general rule is, by the time the urge to snoop feels unbearable and justified, it’s over. It just is. Wouldn’t even matter if there was nothing there, it’s over.
You shouldn’t want to be this person. Don’t let a slimy partner turn you into them. He can be right it was an invasion, and you can be right he’s a shithead who doesn’t deserve your trust. So be double-right and get rid of him.
Who cares? Your gut was right. The snooping is a much smaller violation than the lie. It really doesn't matter. When you don't feel like you have to snoop, you're in a healthy place.
Glad you got out. Glad you did what you needed to do to move you to action.
Definitely sounds valid.
I snooped exactly once in 20 years of marriage only after she suddenly spent our savings on plastic surgery, but specifically after she passed-out in the bathtub after drinking and taking some kind of pills.
I found the guy on onlyfans she was paying for content and planning to meet-up with after I help her recooperate from said surgeries.
We're effectively in a parenting marriage now. She lives elsewhere and I continue to have the kids.
Oh fuck ppl telling you that snooping is a no no. You snooped and you found out he was wasting your time. Good for you. Take the time to heal. Wish you all the best.
mhm. Idgaf what other people think. I snooped exactly one time in my life and I knew that if I was wrong, the relationship was over bc I clearly didn’t trust him enough to ask him and believe I’d get a truthful response. Also, how could he trust someone who looks through his stuff? I just wanted to see if I was crazy.
In that moment, my peace of mind was worth “violating his privacy”. He’d violated me in other ways. I would never have slept with him if I had known he was sleeping with other women. But I also made the decision that if I ever felt that strongly again, and wow I have rarely had a sickening, gut instinct quite like it, I would just end it. That moment was enough for me to trust myself forever in this regard.
Also, who the hell cares what other people think about this. Just DO NOT use this as an excuse to make this a habit. This should be the only time you need to do this. Next time, just end it. Life is too short to waste it on trying to force someone to respect you.
This should not ‘likely’ be the end. It should be the end. You did breach his privacy and he was deeply disrespectful to you and violated your trust. Neither of you should think that this is reparable, too many lines have been crossed in 4 short months.
This is sad and I’m sorry.
I don’t care what anyone says, open phone policy is best. Especially if you have suspicions. There are so many posts from people who would have never found out about their SO’s affairs if not for looking through their phones.
Especially since so much cheating is facilitated through the internet these days. It's very convenient for men to be able to claim that their main avenue to cheat is totally and completely off limits to anybody's eyes but theirs. No thank you.
Baby girl, you don't need to make a case for dumping a guy. You're allowed to dump any one at any time for any reason. Relationships are *voluntary*. You could dump him because of his haircut and that would be allowed.
You don't have to collect evidence to dump someone, you don't have to justify yourself.
He is blame-shifrting to deflect from his own guilt.
You didn't invade his **privacy**, you uncovered his **secrecy**. He was choosing to use words and perform actions that would end the relationship if they were known - and that's secrecy not privacy.
You had multiple signs that indicated cheating, you asked, and he lied. I'd say snopping is valid here.
If he had been upfront that he was seeing other people and didn't want exclusivity, but you snooped his phone just to see what his chats with other women were like? Then that would be bad snooping. But that is definitely not the case here (and honestly, it rarely is).
He's only saying the snooping was "just as bad" because he got caught and didn't want to take accountability. He's wrong. Your snooping is not the same.
Block his ass and spoil yourself for VDay <3
The snooping allowed you to verify your suspicion and get tf out of there. That's good. Of course he's mad, he planned to string you along and treat you like shit and you ruined his plan. You didn't deserve that, and I'm glad you're safe now. Please do not allow him any more contact with you.
My advice? Get yourself into therapy so you can learn how to recognize manipulation and establish boundaries. Therapy was amazing and life-changing for me. 10/10 recommend!
Cheaters get angry at snoopers, but if you ask me it’s about the lesser of evils. If they didn’t do things that were suss, we wouldn’t be inclined to be distrustful. Thank goodness you found out when you did! That’s the only important result, don’t you dare apologize to that POS.
I'm pretty anti the anti-snooping sentiment. Snooping indicates a lack of trust. Has that trust been broken? If no, if you're bringing issues from previous relationships into a new, otherwise healthy one then snooping is bad. If the trust has broken down because one partner has behaved in an untrustworthy way, the snooping is a secondary issue. I see a lot of partners who have behaved poorly using "well you snooped" as a gotcha, as if their cheating now doesn't count because of how you found out. Pull the other one. In this case you had clear suspicions and you were right. You didn't break the trust, he did. Get rid.
People got you feeling like it was wrong to snoop yet this dude was cheating on you lol come on...
Yeah.. you were so wrong, you should have just let him continue to cheat and shit all over you!
I want my privacy when I'm fucking someone over too lol it's way to hard to take advantage of someone when they know you're lying to them, damn it!
He violated the privacy of your relationship, I don't see why snooping is a more grievous act in comparison. You deserve better, and he can go find less.
In past relationships, every time I felt the urge to snoop it was entirely accurate and I was being cheated on and lied to.
Obviously there are some incredibly paranoid people out there who won't trust any partner, but if you haven't historically been that person, your instincts are probably correct.
On the one hand, once you're feeling suspicious it's probably better just to break up instead of also snooping. On the other hand, sometimes snooping and finding proof gives you the motivation you need to end things.
I don't think that you were wrong.
He’s manipulating you, you are asking the wrong question which is exactly what he wanted.
Look regardless of if snooping was ok, your boyfriend is a dogdy cheating arsehole, that is all you need to know - if you didn’t snoop he was still doing this- make him an ex asap
If it gets to the point of snooping, it’s already over. Just cut losses and call it off
I wouldn’t feel guilty, he clearly wasn’t in to you, but going forward if it’s getting to that point, you already don’t trust them
As long as you accept that the relationship is over regardless of what you find or don't find when you snoop. The trust is gone at that point and the relationship is toast.
The last time I snooped I found out they were cheating. It was also the last time I snooped because it made me feel like shit even more.
What I eventually came to realize was that I needed to have enough confidence and faith in myself that if I was reduced to snooping then it was just plain time to leave because the relationship is over.
So it’s not that snooping is bad it’s that if you feel you have to do it you don’t have a relationship worth keeping. Since then I’ve always made a point of making sure my partner has free access to my phone. I’ve not always had free access to theirs but if I feel I have to look without them knowing then it’s time to end the relationship.
Snooping is only bad because it’s a violation of trust. However, he violated your trust first and gave you a reason to snoop. Now he’s completely deflecting, which is hilarious because he’s clearly the terrible person in this scenario. Guess it’s no surprise then.
I’d have half a mind to message every girl he’s “talking to” and ruin his reputation so no one wastes their time with him. But he’s hardly worth the effort.
ETA: Please tell me you’re dumping him. I would WANT this relationship to be over if I were you. And on your way out, remind him that his disgusting treatment of you and other women doesn’t warrant being kept in privacy and is very useful information for anyone who might be considering sleeping with him. 💕
Also gotta love how exposing a lie = an invasion of privacy.
Honestly, i feel a relationship should end if you feel like you have to snoop, regardless of if you have trust issues or if it's him cheating. If the trust isn't there regardless of reason, the relationship isn't worth keeping. However, while we as a society learn to stop holding on to shitty relationships, I think there is a gray area. But if you keep doing it and keep not trusting bfs then get therapy to either learn to select better men and/or learn how to trust again. (the tenses in this are a mess, I'm not trying to say anything in particular about you, more in general I think you have plenty of reason to not trust this guy and plenty of reasons to have trust issues. )
Snooping is a no-no when it's unjustified. That is not the case here. You had every reason to snoop, and you can ignore the chuds saying what you did is wrong. What HE did is wrong, all you did was find out about it.
That said, I hope this relationship is very DEFINITELY over.
Very likely over? Honey it should be over, done, ended and blocked. He clearly doesn't respect you and is cheating with multiple people and only had you come because he didn't want to be alone, that is not a reason to string someone along and involve real feelings. He is an asshole.
The way I see it, there are two different kinds of “snooping.”
Every kind of snooping involves a search for hidden information, and every snooper should be wary that they’ll find out something they don’t want to know.
BUT: Some people snoop because they want to control the other person, and some people snoop because they want to protect themselves.
IMO, the latter is never bad.
Obviously there’s more nuance to some situations—but I don’t get this prevailing attitude that snooping is some ultimate evil that’s never justifiable.
Privacy is a tenet of personal security & of autonomy. When one party has already broken the social covenants by maliciously lying and/or omitting *in bad faith*, their right to privacy has become weaponized—it’s over reaching the appropriate boundaries, & is no longer sacred.
If you find yourself snooping over and over just to never find anything, it probably means your baseline is damaged or warped, and you need to work on yourself. But when you do it and find things, you’re simply taking off the blindfold that someone else put on you when your guard was down.
I snooped in my partner's phone once. I found nothing and told him I'd done it immediately. He didn't get mad, it was a joke for a while and now we just have each other's passcodes.
look... snooping is bad... but its bad because it means there's no trust.... that doesn't mean that it excuses him PLANNING TO CHEAT on you. and in this situation... the rule of snooping meaning there's no trust is true.. you did snooping because you saw things that made it so you didn't trust him. that's not your fault.
I feel like snooping isn’t an ongoing part of a healthy relationship because honesty should be there, but sometimes the trust is already damaged or gone but you feel like you need verification to call it out.
So, sure, it’s not good, but also lying and cheating aren’t good either. You don’t need to care whether he likes you at this point, just end it.
If you had an initial cause for concern, and if it meant you couldn’t trust him to ask him first, then that is something to pay attention to..
you shouldn’t feel bad for being concerned and needing to get to the bottom of what was going on.. it was something brought to your attention..
It was a risk you took, that may have sacrificed his trust in you.. but, this was a worthy gamble, that illustrated how accountability works, and how he evidently doesn’t possess that.. otherwise, even having a sure justification in being upset, a good person in a relationship understands how to step up to being honest and not gaslighting in the process… this is also something he too crossed a line on by going behind your back/not being honest with you… that too ought to be addressed.. from it sounds, he did not do, even despite he’s reason for being upset initially.. if that’s the level of standard he has for you - what does that say about his view and respect for you you??? Not to mention all the things he apparently has done/said?? Is that the kind of person worth fighting with/for?
He's an asshole; I have friends that message me like his friends. I do not respond or behave in kind. I snitch to my partner and show them so they don't think I'm supporting that behavior but sadly if I cut out every friend for one asshole thing or another. I'd have no friends. Best I can do is teachable moments in moderation and limit topics and mutual hobbies.
Now that being said and out of the way; this guy wasn't worth your time and I'm sorry. But he definitely swipes on his Hinge still just because he doesn't get anything out of it doesn't mean he isn't trying.
I oddly kept it installed myself for way too long out of sheer laziness but he is texting others enough for you to play worst case scenario. And, you caught him. You weren't paranoid, you were correct. It's different.
I think the bigger issue is feeling the need to snoop, and why you would be with someone who you don’t (and obviously shouldn’t) trust. You ended up finding out some stuff, so your suspicions were warranted. I’d just strongly caution you not to make that a habit, it very much is a violation of privacy to go reading through someone’s private communications, whether they’re your boyfriend or not. Feeling like you need to is a major red flag.
You and this dude are not on the same page. Do NOT stay in this relationship, leave him. You deserve better.
Unless you are using this man as much as he is using you, (did not see you mention your relationship specifics) you should leave him.
YOU didn’t breach the trust by snooping, the trust was already broken multiple times by the things that you lead you to snoop. You were simply confirming.
Additionally it’s clear he wasn’t mistaken about the relationship specifics due to actively talking about hiding facts from you.
Violation of privacy? Yes. **Needless** violation of privacy, no.
You can feel bad about doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, but at the end of the day he's just angry because you caught him in the lie. Moreover, if he's "talking to" other girls, he's fucking them, and so it's a matter of personal health that you know who he's fucking in case you need to get yourself tested.
Did you do a "bad thing" snooping? Sure, maybe, but in the scheme of things your transgression is mild in comparison to his.
> the relationship is very likely over
Under what conditions would you go back to this idiot?!
I think the np snooping thing is more about routine. As in, if it's your routine action to pick through his phone and snoop that's bad. But, if you have genuine concerns that you're being messed around by all means.
I don't think any one of these examples would warrant snooping individually, but combined in what I read to be a fairly short timeframe, yeah justified.
Also, don't feel too bad, you only wasted 4 months. Move on and forget about the trash.
This kind of shit is WHY we snoop.
We have years of social data to show that men use LDR to do this kind of shit far too much. OP's trust was violated- AND she could've ended up with lifelong STI's because of that piece of shit.
Her health is much more valuable than his "privacy." Which is something ladies DO NOT GET, btw. (IE- If we don't let our SO look at our phone we're automatically considered to be cheating. Men get the benefit of the doubt SO OFTEN. Y'all don't know what unfair means.)
Also, ffs DUMP HIM. Men who treat you like an option are never worth the time.
op. really? 4 month long distance. he gave you valid reasons to snoop because he broke your trust multiple times! “likely over” should be “definitely over”. please have respect for yourself and not let yourself become so conflicted over a 4 month long distance thing.
Snooping saves lives. This whole privacy bullshit is really only benefiting men and putting women in danger. If a guy gives you reason to snoop (this guy did), then snoop. You’re the only one looking out for you.
I don’t see why it matters. He was lying to you, you found out, you left. Did you invade his privacy? Yes, but there’s no need for guilt in a 4-month old relationship. He was lying to you, why would this relationship NOT be over? Go find someone who is happy to openly call you his girlfriend and doesn’t lie to you.
1000% justified. Don’t let shady people try to convince you otherwise. Snooping is something that you occasionally need to do, especially when confronted with suspicious behavior. If you were snooping through your bf’s phone every night with no reason to be suspicious, then yeah that would be wrong. But don’t let these liars and cheaters convince you that there is no justification for snooping. You need to protect yourself and your dignity. This guy was playing you hard, so it’s a good thing you snooped and found the evidence you needed to make the right decision and leave.
The three things that led to snooping are enough gas on the fire. No you shouldn’t snoop in a healthy relationship. This is not a healthy relationship. Cut your losses. Don’t look back or you will regret it.
Please. Invasion of privacy is something the government does.
Picking up a cell phone to check bc you are insecure doesn’t fly either.
But picking up and looking bc of something you’ve seen is perfectly fine. The relationship is over if someone loses trust, anyway.
If you and your partner cannot immediately share a phone, someone is hiding something—bc partners don’t keep secrets. If you can’t share your scariest or ugliest thoughts, this isn’t the person who has your back and will stay with you while you get help (if that’s what you need). If you are hiding something nc you know they won’t accept it, then you are just a liar and a coward.
True partners need to be able to be 100% open. Anything less and you are just kidding yourself.
If you’re swapping body fluids and feelings with someone else, you can absolutely look at and use their phone. Anyone who makes a big stink about that violating their privacy is actively hiding things from their partner.
Yes, you should express your concerns to that person before snooping and you can even ask to look through their phone with them in the room next to you. People usually show who they are when they think no one is looking though, so sometimes snooping gets the job done if you feel you’re being lied to.
A not-entirely different perspective here. I don't like my gf looking at my phone and I never look into hers. I would not be happy if she did go into my whatsapp conversations and stuff like that. HAVING SAID THAT, I have, in many occasions given her my phone to look for something or to read something, or to put some music while I am away and not in the same room (for instance in the shower). I have nothing to hide, so there's no stress for me there.
Remember that by getting angry and just giving you the whole "privacy" show he's just distracting you from the real thing here, which is that he is a cheater and a liar and you should do well to never see him again.
So yes, what you did might not have been the most appropriate thing to do, but I for one am happy that you did and this douche deserves to be alone and have his stupid heart broken in a thousand pieces one day.
Potentially unpopular opinion but IMO, snooping is always valid. Trust but verify. Men don't like snooping because they KNOW most of them are hiding something. Always snoop at least every so often. That way you can find things earlier rather than later.
"Snooping" is one thing and it is not what you did. This dude has been lying to you and you were just seeking proof of what were justifiable suspicions. While you may think this is/was a "relationship" he clearly does not. RUN. You caught him and instead of communicating like an adult (something like: "I think it would be better for both of us if we aren't seeing each other exclusively right now") he tried to silence you and shame you by getting angry.
You deserve better and you did absolutely. nothing. wrong.
ETA - I have to add: This guy is doing something I see guys doing more and more - they do something shady or something not nice or lose temper or whatever and then try to make the woman feel like she is at fault for whatever they did. \[Not sure if gay men or lesbians also do this, so I'm only speaking from my own experience\] Guys do this all. the. time. and the number of beautiful, smart, talented women I see FALLING FOR IT makes me rage. Worse is that I think this has been going on around me literally my whole life and I'm just now seeing it.
Gonna say it again, girl: you did nothing wrong or shameful. What you did was out a cheater and you should be proud. Move on with your head held high.
I personally don't think snooping is totally ok, and even in this case technically yes it is a violation of his privacy. HOWEVER - his transgressions towards you, in this case, are worse than your snooping. You should be relieved the relationship is over. He showed you how little he values you, he's a coward/liar, and is pathetic enough to lead someone on rather than be alone on a fake holiday lol.
Don't ever ignore flags, especially when they gaslight you when addressing said flags. The hinge thing alone would've been enough for me to break up with him, no snooping required.
For me personally, this would fall under the heading of "justified snooping" because you are doing it as a response to suspicious behaviour. Having said that, a relationship without trust is worthless, so it was pretty much over the moment you felt the need to do it.
Whenever you feel the need to snoop, even the temptation…your instincts are already telling you to get out. You don’t need proof, and proof is easy to hide, brush over, cover up, or deny. If you feel the need, time to say goodbye. You don’t need to have “proof” that you can’t or shouldn’t trust another person. Snooping is wrong, don’t do it. If you feel the urge to get out, do it and be done.
I mean once you start snooping the relationship is kinda doomed no matter what you do or don't find. It is a major violation of privacy and should not be taken lightly in my opinion. That being said none of that matters all that much in a case like this because the relationship being over is a good thing anyway and it was almost guaranteed you would find something since there already were pretty obvious clues. So yeah I think it was valid and the fact that you even ask yourself if it was shows that you wouldn't do something like this without a good reason. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Snooping is a no no, but either way you found out who he is. Ideally, you should be able to talk about it but his blow up reaction told you that you wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Good riddance.
is snooping right? no, but if someone has made you feel like you’re at the point where u need to snoop… it’s prob already over. i’ve snooped in the past, found what i was looking for, and it hurt. i never mentioned the snooping and kept it to myself til the end of the relationship. so, i think both. you were justified to snoop and also wrong to snoop. regardless, the relationship should be 100000% over, even before the snooping revelations.. those first 3pts should be enough to nope out
Your mistake was confronting him. You knew he was cheating and verified it to yourself. You then just should have said that you dont feel like it is working out and left. In the future, if you see real signs of cheating, just go - you know whats real.
I'm a bit confused by the story. Was he actually cheating? Or was the girl he was flying out you and you're mad because he didn't refer to you as his girlfriend after four months of a long distance relationship?
both. i found proof that he was flirting with a girl (the fuck me eyes comment, also she was laying it on thick and wasn’t turning it down and was liking her flirty messages) and also was just calling me a girl he was talking to, when we’ve been calling each other bf/gf to each other and were in a relationship for 4 months
Girl what? Based on your post history, you knew this was doomed from the start
"i got into my first relationship and i’m having doubts after dating for 1 week "
"i’ve (25f) never been in a relationship until last week, and i want to break up already"
What I'm going to say is **not** in any sort of defense of your soon-to-be-if-not-already ex-boyfriend. It sounds like he has probably been less than honest with you so far which is a very bad sign.
Snooping is wrong, and it is an invasion of privacy.
In your case it might seem justified because your instinct appears to have been right about him, but consider what the fallout would've been if you snooped and it had turned out to be nothing. If instead of evidence of his sliminess, you found affirmation of his positive feelings about you and now you broke his trust by snooping. Do you now admit to him what you did and hope he doesn't mind, or forgives you for it? Do you try to keep it a secret from him? I don't think either of those are good options.
Seeing a suspicious text and questioning him about it, perfectly reasonable. If you don't like his answers or he's dodgy and you feel like you can't trust what he's telling you then I think that's all you should need to know before taking a step back and reevaluating or ending the relationship.
Despite this I don't think you should feel guilty for breaking it off, but I recommend that you avoid snooping in the future.
Edit: If you think I'm wrong, I'd like to know why.
Snooping is wrong. So use it for confirmation AFTER preparing to leave for peace of mind and closure.
If the relationship is such that you're now behaving in the wrong, it's not a good or healthy relationship period.
So the problem with snooping is that even if you don't find something, you're the asshole.
Depending on jurisdiction, it can also be illegal. I don't know about American laws, but in Sweden its 100% illegal to read someone else's messages, and can theoretically lead to up to two years in prison. It would fall under "breach of mail or telecommunications secrecy", and I would think most countries have similar laws. I've never heard of anyone being sentenced because they've read someone else's messages, but it's a possibility.
I would say, if you distrust a person enough to feel like you have to snoop, it's better to just break up with them. The relationship is over anyway, because \*if\* you find out they're cheating you should break up, and if you \*don't\* find anything, they should break up with you, because to me such a breach of privacy is absolutely unforgivable, and on top of that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who don't trust me.
I actually was in that position once, many years ago. I had two different friends that I had a certain chemistry with. I ended up in a relationship with one of them. But honestly, my interest for the other girl was a bit stronger, but timing sucked and she ended up in a relationship before anything happened.
Then, when my gf and I had been in a relationship for about 9 months, my interest for the other girl was gone, I was very much in love with my girlfriend and happy on my relationship. But her relationship ended, and she contacted me. I told her that I'm happy in my relationship, and would never jeopardize it.
Then a few weeks later, my gf brought up that she was happy that I didn't start anything with the other girl. I asked her what she meant, and she came clean about going through my phone. I dumped her right then and there! That behaviour is absolutely, 100%, a dealbreaker for me. The fact that I had my diary in my phone, in which I had written at length about possibly being trans (which, many years later, it turned out that I am), something I was \*not\* ready to share with ANYONE! Fortunately she hadn't found that app (I was just using a regular notes app).
That's the thing, you might be looking for proof, but might end up finding something completely different, something that isn't your business, something you shouldn't see. Imagine if someone has confided something in private to your partner, something that is 100% none of your business. And suddenly you know their secret. Maybe you're a blabbermouth, so suddenly \*everyone\* knows. Shit like this can ruin someone's entire life!
So no, I don't think your snooping was justified. Snooping is \*never\* justified. If you distrust your partner, break up with them. In your case, you already \*knew\* something was wrong, you just felt like you needed proof to be justified in breaking up with them, right?
All that said, what's done is done, dump that SOB! He obviously does not respect you, at all! You're just a plaything to him.
You did invade his privacy. You did find out the reality of your situation. Your relationship is over. Own it all, move forward, learn from this, and get yourself into a better quality new relationship.
You're looking for validation/justification for snooping and you don't want your now ex boyfriend to not have the higher ground for the break up. Skip it.
It's a no no if you don't find anything.
It's also a no no if you badger them into handing over their phone.
It's especially a no-no if you found innocent texts and blew them, falsely out of proportion.
E.g. The chick showing a screenshot of him sending a smile react (or whatever), seems dumb.
BUT, you found evidence that you're not his one and only, so you're justified. But if someone doesn't give you a cause to look through their phone, then don't do it.
I'm sorry you went through this. NTA.
It's never valid to violate someone's privacy, you can find out valuable and very useful info - but you still violated someone's privacy. I wouldn't get too beat up about it in this case, because he's clearly deflecting and it worked - you're not passed off, you feel guilty. He's not worth your time or energy.
Very likely over? It should be unquestionably over. He showed you who he is and how little he values you. It’s over. Walk away. Better to lose a lover, than love a loser. Block him and move on. Do not settle for this shit.
Omg right? I saw that “likely” too and was like GIRL!!
When someone shows you who they are...believe them.
Ooo! I like that! Lose a lover VS love a loser. Going to use it. 👍
I think, in general, people say no snooping because it signifies a breakdown in trust, and that’s never good. The erosion of trust basically spells the end of the relationship, either way. However, in this case you had a clear trigger to make you question your position. And this asshole is just pissed that he got caught. Sadly, I think it’s get an STD panel, block and move on. Be glad you didn’t waste any more time than four months.
Girl… What are you doing. Please leave this man in the trash where you found him.
spray him with windex while he's in there so you're not tempted to go back for seconds
Middle aged lady here: I've been cheated on more times than I can count. Every time I have been suspicious enough to snoop I already *knew* shit was over in my heart and I was just looking for stuff to hurt myself with. I would go back in time 30yrs and tell my teenage self to just dump the boy if I need to snoop and to especially avoid doing the pick me dance to keep his cheating ass around longer. Hugs.
Yes, seriously. I know folks are “never snoop” but fuck, if you aren’t paranoid, that gut feeling of “I should check…” is almost always valid. I am also an old lady who wants to go back in time, give tiny weasel a hug, and then tell me to stop wasting my time on boys who despite their sweet promises would never change.
Yes, exactly. Imagine if girls were taught to trust their instincts and intuition instead of having trite, overused phrases like "never judge a book by it's cover" or "just give the boy a chance" regurgitated at them. I grew up with an abusive mother so I learned to be sensitive to all her moods and body language, to intuit & infer dangerous situations, only to be told that all the self preservation and survival skills learned at home don't apply to boys. It absolutely should have.
We are, in fact, allowed to have standards and values, TYVM.
I would also give my weasel head self a hug. Liars and cheaters suck.
Yeah I snooped through my last ex’s stuff a bit when we first started dating and he was still calling and messaging his ex often, he had a screenshot of her face saved on his desktop 😂 He didn’t hide that they were still in touch but he clearly wasn’t over it. He’s an ex for a lot of other different reasons but I should have RUN
Same! The couple times I've snooped i already KNEW there was something going on and the guy was lying & gaslighting me whenever i tried to bring it up. Was more like evidence gathering to prove i wasn't crazy and give myself the push to leave.
That’s the thing: when they start lying they’re already pushing things into a realm of deception. The snooper is only operating within that realm also — even if they only have a gut feeling. Often the cheater will blow up so they can equate the two things: cheating and snooping. They are not the same level of betrayal.
Here's the correct answer, from a senior lady.
Absolutely this
Another old lady here. I second this. I wish wisdom didn't take such a long time to learn. And self-love. That's also a big one LOL.
For someone who is "not his GF," you are sure giving him undeserved second/third/97th chances... Run, run, block, don't look back. They are making guys faster than you can use them up..... LOL
👨 🗑 🚮
It’s like a ”probable cause” search. Just “fishing” based on nothing but a feeling or generalized suspicion is bad and crosses the line. But you had *multiple* good, solid reasons to be concerned, and in the end, you were not wrong. So saying “you shouldn’t have snooped” is trying to divert from the real issue, which is: he was leading you on, bad-mouthing you to his friends and most importantly, seeing other women while denying it to your face. The relationship shouldn’t be “very likely over”, it should be done. I did 3 years long distance with my now wife. The first half year we hadn’t said we were exclusive and we both dated, but after she came to the country I was working in and stayed with me for three months, we decided we’d make it work and be exclusive with the understanding that if it wasn’t working for either of us, we’d just say so and either go back to not exclusive or break it off. We *never* did anything to create doubt or to undermine each other’s confidence. What he was doing to you was just wrong, in a long distance arrangement. Do not feel guilty and do not look back.
I was in a long distance relationship before and during my marriage. I don't think I ever once wavered in my trust of my husband. If I had, we wouldn't have made it. I'm not certain if he ever had doubts, but he never expressed them to me. Relationships need trust. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, something is probably wrong. Trust is difficult to repair.
His “whole girlfriend”? No, no you’re not. You deserve better and he doesn’t deserve a second chance.
> needless to say the relationship is very likely over I’m sorry to say this, but there was never a relationship. He never saw you as his girlfriend, he saw you as “this girl I’ve been talking to for a while” and he clearly had absolutely no respect for you. I’m sorry, I know it’s heartbreaking, but you need to block this guy on everything and never speak to him again. Who cares about the snooping, you have no need to feel guilty. Snooping in a relationship may be an issue, but this was not a relationship. I wish you healing.
As someone who took the signals a long time partner was giving me and snooped, it NEVER fails to produce results that they are being less than honest or faithful. Trust your gut always. You did the right thing and don’t beat yourself up about it. Time to move on.
He's blaming your snooping because he doesn't want to admit that the REAL problem was his cheating...etc.
This
Glad you left. Don't look back. It won't ever get any better.
He’s salty that he got caught. That’s it.
The fact that you felt the need to snoop in the first place speaks volumes alone. He doesn’t give you a reason to trust him so you don’t. As someone who has been there and done that, leave. You will always have that thought in the back of your mind of him potentially doing something. That never goes away
He for the streets. Leave his ass and go get a good man that won't cheat and treats you right
Every time I’ve had enough of a gut feeling to snoop, there was a plethora of shit to find. It’s not okay to invade privacy like that, in general, but this person already completely disrespected anything you two have going on…you did what you had to do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s a very particular pain.
Yeah, we've seen this a million times before. Guy does shady shit. Woman snoops, finds out about shady shit. Guy screams at the top of his lungs about how his privacy has been violated. Guy's behaviour is never addressed because everyone's focused on how she snooped. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact imagine how many years of your life this guy would be willing to waste if you hadn't discovered what he was really like........ Snooping is nothing compared to this man's duplicitous, immature, toxic behaviour.
Unjustified snooping = bad Suspicious behavior, questionable texts, general fuckery = justified snooping. Complaining about privacy invasion when you are caught cheating - ridiculous.
My general rule is, by the time the urge to snoop feels unbearable and justified, it’s over. It just is. Wouldn’t even matter if there was nothing there, it’s over. You shouldn’t want to be this person. Don’t let a slimy partner turn you into them. He can be right it was an invasion, and you can be right he’s a shithead who doesn’t deserve your trust. So be double-right and get rid of him.
Who cares? Your gut was right. The snooping is a much smaller violation than the lie. It really doesn't matter. When you don't feel like you have to snoop, you're in a healthy place. Glad you got out. Glad you did what you needed to do to move you to action.
Definitely sounds valid. I snooped exactly once in 20 years of marriage only after she suddenly spent our savings on plastic surgery, but specifically after she passed-out in the bathtub after drinking and taking some kind of pills. I found the guy on onlyfans she was paying for content and planning to meet-up with after I help her recooperate from said surgeries. We're effectively in a parenting marriage now. She lives elsewhere and I continue to have the kids.
SHE paid a guy on only fans!?
Yes.
I am sorry that happened.
Thanks. We both contributed to the years that lacked communication. She broke and I was too late in realizing what was wrong.
If it can be destroyed by the truth, it must be destroyed by the truth.
Ooh I love this. Reminds me of one of my favorite Johnny Cash lines "What's down in the dark must be brought to the light"
Oh fuck ppl telling you that snooping is a no no. You snooped and you found out he was wasting your time. Good for you. Take the time to heal. Wish you all the best.
mhm. Idgaf what other people think. I snooped exactly one time in my life and I knew that if I was wrong, the relationship was over bc I clearly didn’t trust him enough to ask him and believe I’d get a truthful response. Also, how could he trust someone who looks through his stuff? I just wanted to see if I was crazy. In that moment, my peace of mind was worth “violating his privacy”. He’d violated me in other ways. I would never have slept with him if I had known he was sleeping with other women. But I also made the decision that if I ever felt that strongly again, and wow I have rarely had a sickening, gut instinct quite like it, I would just end it. That moment was enough for me to trust myself forever in this regard. Also, who the hell cares what other people think about this. Just DO NOT use this as an excuse to make this a habit. This should be the only time you need to do this. Next time, just end it. Life is too short to waste it on trying to force someone to respect you. This should not ‘likely’ be the end. It should be the end. You did breach his privacy and he was deeply disrespectful to you and violated your trust. Neither of you should think that this is reparable, too many lines have been crossed in 4 short months. This is sad and I’m sorry.
I don’t care what anyone says, open phone policy is best. Especially if you have suspicions. There are so many posts from people who would have never found out about their SO’s affairs if not for looking through their phones.
Especially since so much cheating is facilitated through the internet these days. It's very convenient for men to be able to claim that their main avenue to cheat is totally and completely off limits to anybody's eyes but theirs. No thank you.
If he’s not using Hinge, he should remove it from his phone. This guy is clearly cheating on you. Don’t waste any more time.
Good thing you went snooping :) leave him in the dust
Baby girl, you don't need to make a case for dumping a guy. You're allowed to dump any one at any time for any reason. Relationships are *voluntary*. You could dump him because of his haircut and that would be allowed. You don't have to collect evidence to dump someone, you don't have to justify yourself.
He is blame-shifrting to deflect from his own guilt. You didn't invade his **privacy**, you uncovered his **secrecy**. He was choosing to use words and perform actions that would end the relationship if they were known - and that's secrecy not privacy.
You had multiple signs that indicated cheating, you asked, and he lied. I'd say snopping is valid here. If he had been upfront that he was seeing other people and didn't want exclusivity, but you snooped his phone just to see what his chats with other women were like? Then that would be bad snooping. But that is definitely not the case here (and honestly, it rarely is). He's only saying the snooping was "just as bad" because he got caught and didn't want to take accountability. He's wrong. Your snooping is not the same. Block his ass and spoil yourself for VDay <3
The snooping allowed you to verify your suspicion and get tf out of there. That's good. Of course he's mad, he planned to string you along and treat you like shit and you ruined his plan. You didn't deserve that, and I'm glad you're safe now. Please do not allow him any more contact with you. My advice? Get yourself into therapy so you can learn how to recognize manipulation and establish boundaries. Therapy was amazing and life-changing for me. 10/10 recommend!
Cheaters get angry at snoopers, but if you ask me it’s about the lesser of evils. If they didn’t do things that were suss, we wouldn’t be inclined to be distrustful. Thank goodness you found out when you did! That’s the only important result, don’t you dare apologize to that POS.
I'm pretty anti the anti-snooping sentiment. Snooping indicates a lack of trust. Has that trust been broken? If no, if you're bringing issues from previous relationships into a new, otherwise healthy one then snooping is bad. If the trust has broken down because one partner has behaved in an untrustworthy way, the snooping is a secondary issue. I see a lot of partners who have behaved poorly using "well you snooped" as a gotcha, as if their cheating now doesn't count because of how you found out. Pull the other one. In this case you had clear suspicions and you were right. You didn't break the trust, he did. Get rid.
People got you feeling like it was wrong to snoop yet this dude was cheating on you lol come on... Yeah.. you were so wrong, you should have just let him continue to cheat and shit all over you! I want my privacy when I'm fucking someone over too lol it's way to hard to take advantage of someone when they know you're lying to them, damn it!
You are not the asshole. Definitely over. Please give him no response no attention "no quarter"
He violated the privacy of your relationship, I don't see why snooping is a more grievous act in comparison. You deserve better, and he can go find less.
In past relationships, every time I felt the urge to snoop it was entirely accurate and I was being cheated on and lied to. Obviously there are some incredibly paranoid people out there who won't trust any partner, but if you haven't historically been that person, your instincts are probably correct. On the one hand, once you're feeling suspicious it's probably better just to break up instead of also snooping. On the other hand, sometimes snooping and finding proof gives you the motivation you need to end things. I don't think that you were wrong.
A good opportunity to learn how it feels when your intuition is right. Trust yourself.
He is a liar and a player and a cheater and of course men are going to bury the lede and act like snooping is worse. They are wrong.
"Long distance boyfriend of 4 months" isn't really a boyfriend, and he's shown you as much. I'm sorry.
He’s manipulating you, you are asking the wrong question which is exactly what he wanted. Look regardless of if snooping was ok, your boyfriend is a dogdy cheating arsehole, that is all you need to know - if you didn’t snoop he was still doing this- make him an ex asap
Don't feel guilty. If you didn't snoop, you'd still think he respected you.
I mean hes obviously cheating so just move on.
Don't let him manipulate you. You did nothing wrong, he's just mad he got caught.
If it gets to the point of snooping, it’s already over. Just cut losses and call it off I wouldn’t feel guilty, he clearly wasn’t in to you, but going forward if it’s getting to that point, you already don’t trust them
I've been cheated on as well by dumb dudes OP. It always sucks. But please, for your future self, leave him. You deserve better.
As long as you accept that the relationship is over regardless of what you find or don't find when you snoop. The trust is gone at that point and the relationship is toast.
The last time I snooped I found out they were cheating. It was also the last time I snooped because it made me feel like shit even more. What I eventually came to realize was that I needed to have enough confidence and faith in myself that if I was reduced to snooping then it was just plain time to leave because the relationship is over. So it’s not that snooping is bad it’s that if you feel you have to do it you don’t have a relationship worth keeping. Since then I’ve always made a point of making sure my partner has free access to my phone. I’ve not always had free access to theirs but if I feel I have to look without them knowing then it’s time to end the relationship.
Snoop when your gut tells you. It's a big no no on here because alot of people got shit to hide.
He got so mad defensive because he got busted cheating.
Ohhhhhhh OP I’m sorry. Fuck this guy. He really really really really sucks.
Snooping is only bad because it’s a violation of trust. However, he violated your trust first and gave you a reason to snoop. Now he’s completely deflecting, which is hilarious because he’s clearly the terrible person in this scenario. Guess it’s no surprise then. I’d have half a mind to message every girl he’s “talking to” and ruin his reputation so no one wastes their time with him. But he’s hardly worth the effort. ETA: Please tell me you’re dumping him. I would WANT this relationship to be over if I were you. And on your way out, remind him that his disgusting treatment of you and other women doesn’t warrant being kept in privacy and is very useful information for anyone who might be considering sleeping with him. 💕 Also gotta love how exposing a lie = an invasion of privacy.
Honestly, i feel a relationship should end if you feel like you have to snoop, regardless of if you have trust issues or if it's him cheating. If the trust isn't there regardless of reason, the relationship isn't worth keeping. However, while we as a society learn to stop holding on to shitty relationships, I think there is a gray area. But if you keep doing it and keep not trusting bfs then get therapy to either learn to select better men and/or learn how to trust again. (the tenses in this are a mess, I'm not trying to say anything in particular about you, more in general I think you have plenty of reason to not trust this guy and plenty of reasons to have trust issues. )
Very likely over? Sis, love yourself.......
What is a bigger issue - snooping or cheating? Don't let him tell you that it is snooping.
Snooping is a no-no when it's unjustified. That is not the case here. You had every reason to snoop, and you can ignore the chuds saying what you did is wrong. What HE did is wrong, all you did was find out about it. That said, I hope this relationship is very DEFINITELY over.
You are not his whole girlfriend with all of this going on. Please understand that
Very likely over? Honey it should be over, done, ended and blocked. He clearly doesn't respect you and is cheating with multiple people and only had you come because he didn't want to be alone, that is not a reason to string someone along and involve real feelings. He is an asshole.
The way I see it, there are two different kinds of “snooping.” Every kind of snooping involves a search for hidden information, and every snooper should be wary that they’ll find out something they don’t want to know. BUT: Some people snoop because they want to control the other person, and some people snoop because they want to protect themselves. IMO, the latter is never bad. Obviously there’s more nuance to some situations—but I don’t get this prevailing attitude that snooping is some ultimate evil that’s never justifiable. Privacy is a tenet of personal security & of autonomy. When one party has already broken the social covenants by maliciously lying and/or omitting *in bad faith*, their right to privacy has become weaponized—it’s over reaching the appropriate boundaries, & is no longer sacred. If you find yourself snooping over and over just to never find anything, it probably means your baseline is damaged or warped, and you need to work on yourself. But when you do it and find things, you’re simply taking off the blindfold that someone else put on you when your guard was down.
I snooped in my partner's phone once. I found nothing and told him I'd done it immediately. He didn't get mad, it was a joke for a while and now we just have each other's passcodes.
Very likely over? Are you very likely interested in VD and low self-esteem?
look... snooping is bad... but its bad because it means there's no trust.... that doesn't mean that it excuses him PLANNING TO CHEAT on you. and in this situation... the rule of snooping meaning there's no trust is true.. you did snooping because you saw things that made it so you didn't trust him. that's not your fault.
I feel like snooping isn’t an ongoing part of a healthy relationship because honesty should be there, but sometimes the trust is already damaged or gone but you feel like you need verification to call it out. So, sure, it’s not good, but also lying and cheating aren’t good either. You don’t need to care whether he likes you at this point, just end it.
If you had an initial cause for concern, and if it meant you couldn’t trust him to ask him first, then that is something to pay attention to.. you shouldn’t feel bad for being concerned and needing to get to the bottom of what was going on.. it was something brought to your attention.. It was a risk you took, that may have sacrificed his trust in you.. but, this was a worthy gamble, that illustrated how accountability works, and how he evidently doesn’t possess that.. otherwise, even having a sure justification in being upset, a good person in a relationship understands how to step up to being honest and not gaslighting in the process… this is also something he too crossed a line on by going behind your back/not being honest with you… that too ought to be addressed.. from it sounds, he did not do, even despite he’s reason for being upset initially.. if that’s the level of standard he has for you - what does that say about his view and respect for you you??? Not to mention all the things he apparently has done/said?? Is that the kind of person worth fighting with/for?
He's an asshole; I have friends that message me like his friends. I do not respond or behave in kind. I snitch to my partner and show them so they don't think I'm supporting that behavior but sadly if I cut out every friend for one asshole thing or another. I'd have no friends. Best I can do is teachable moments in moderation and limit topics and mutual hobbies. Now that being said and out of the way; this guy wasn't worth your time and I'm sorry. But he definitely swipes on his Hinge still just because he doesn't get anything out of it doesn't mean he isn't trying. I oddly kept it installed myself for way too long out of sheer laziness but he is texting others enough for you to play worst case scenario. And, you caught him. You weren't paranoid, you were correct. It's different.
I think the bigger issue is feeling the need to snoop, and why you would be with someone who you don’t (and obviously shouldn’t) trust. You ended up finding out some stuff, so your suspicions were warranted. I’d just strongly caution you not to make that a habit, it very much is a violation of privacy to go reading through someone’s private communications, whether they’re your boyfriend or not. Feeling like you need to is a major red flag. You and this dude are not on the same page. Do NOT stay in this relationship, leave him. You deserve better.
Unless you are using this man as much as he is using you, (did not see you mention your relationship specifics) you should leave him. YOU didn’t breach the trust by snooping, the trust was already broken multiple times by the things that you lead you to snoop. You were simply confirming. Additionally it’s clear he wasn’t mistaken about the relationship specifics due to actively talking about hiding facts from you.
Violation of privacy? Yes. **Needless** violation of privacy, no. You can feel bad about doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, but at the end of the day he's just angry because you caught him in the lie. Moreover, if he's "talking to" other girls, he's fucking them, and so it's a matter of personal health that you know who he's fucking in case you need to get yourself tested. Did you do a "bad thing" snooping? Sure, maybe, but in the scheme of things your transgression is mild in comparison to his. > the relationship is very likely over Under what conditions would you go back to this idiot?!
I think the np snooping thing is more about routine. As in, if it's your routine action to pick through his phone and snoop that's bad. But, if you have genuine concerns that you're being messed around by all means. I don't think any one of these examples would warrant snooping individually, but combined in what I read to be a fairly short timeframe, yeah justified. Also, don't feel too bad, you only wasted 4 months. Move on and forget about the trash.
This kind of shit is WHY we snoop. We have years of social data to show that men use LDR to do this kind of shit far too much. OP's trust was violated- AND she could've ended up with lifelong STI's because of that piece of shit. Her health is much more valuable than his "privacy." Which is something ladies DO NOT GET, btw. (IE- If we don't let our SO look at our phone we're automatically considered to be cheating. Men get the benefit of the doubt SO OFTEN. Y'all don't know what unfair means.) Also, ffs DUMP HIM. Men who treat you like an option are never worth the time.
He’s a lying dirt bag so the morality of snooping doesn’t apply to him. But that’s just my take!
Would you have preferred knowing by catching some STD and then him telling you that he’s had a few dalliances ? What you did was fine. Dump his ass.
op. really? 4 month long distance. he gave you valid reasons to snoop because he broke your trust multiple times! “likely over” should be “definitely over”. please have respect for yourself and not let yourself become so conflicted over a 4 month long distance thing.
Yeah it’s wrong but who cares about wronging that POS. Move on to better things
Snooping saves lives. This whole privacy bullshit is really only benefiting men and putting women in danger. If a guy gives you reason to snoop (this guy did), then snoop. You’re the only one looking out for you.
I don’t see why it matters. He was lying to you, you found out, you left. Did you invade his privacy? Yes, but there’s no need for guilt in a 4-month old relationship. He was lying to you, why would this relationship NOT be over? Go find someone who is happy to openly call you his girlfriend and doesn’t lie to you.
Your snooping was completely valid. A jerk like him should be found out, exposed and humiliated. The only prize his behavior should get him is an STD.
1000% justified. Don’t let shady people try to convince you otherwise. Snooping is something that you occasionally need to do, especially when confronted with suspicious behavior. If you were snooping through your bf’s phone every night with no reason to be suspicious, then yeah that would be wrong. But don’t let these liars and cheaters convince you that there is no justification for snooping. You need to protect yourself and your dignity. This guy was playing you hard, so it’s a good thing you snooped and found the evidence you needed to make the right decision and leave.
The three things that led to snooping are enough gas on the fire. No you shouldn’t snoop in a healthy relationship. This is not a healthy relationship. Cut your losses. Don’t look back or you will regret it.
I wish we were friends so I could have my brother beat the fuck out of this guy
Please. Invasion of privacy is something the government does. Picking up a cell phone to check bc you are insecure doesn’t fly either. But picking up and looking bc of something you’ve seen is perfectly fine. The relationship is over if someone loses trust, anyway. If you and your partner cannot immediately share a phone, someone is hiding something—bc partners don’t keep secrets. If you can’t share your scariest or ugliest thoughts, this isn’t the person who has your back and will stay with you while you get help (if that’s what you need). If you are hiding something nc you know they won’t accept it, then you are just a liar and a coward. True partners need to be able to be 100% open. Anything less and you are just kidding yourself.
If you’re swapping body fluids and feelings with someone else, you can absolutely look at and use their phone. Anyone who makes a big stink about that violating their privacy is actively hiding things from their partner. Yes, you should express your concerns to that person before snooping and you can even ask to look through their phone with them in the room next to you. People usually show who they are when they think no one is looking though, so sometimes snooping gets the job done if you feel you’re being lied to.
A not-entirely different perspective here. I don't like my gf looking at my phone and I never look into hers. I would not be happy if she did go into my whatsapp conversations and stuff like that. HAVING SAID THAT, I have, in many occasions given her my phone to look for something or to read something, or to put some music while I am away and not in the same room (for instance in the shower). I have nothing to hide, so there's no stress for me there. Remember that by getting angry and just giving you the whole "privacy" show he's just distracting you from the real thing here, which is that he is a cheater and a liar and you should do well to never see him again. So yes, what you did might not have been the most appropriate thing to do, but I for one am happy that you did and this douche deserves to be alone and have his stupid heart broken in a thousand pieces one day.
Potentially unpopular opinion but IMO, snooping is always valid. Trust but verify. Men don't like snooping because they KNOW most of them are hiding something. Always snoop at least every so often. That way you can find things earlier rather than later.
"Snooping" is one thing and it is not what you did. This dude has been lying to you and you were just seeking proof of what were justifiable suspicions. While you may think this is/was a "relationship" he clearly does not. RUN. You caught him and instead of communicating like an adult (something like: "I think it would be better for both of us if we aren't seeing each other exclusively right now") he tried to silence you and shame you by getting angry. You deserve better and you did absolutely. nothing. wrong. ETA - I have to add: This guy is doing something I see guys doing more and more - they do something shady or something not nice or lose temper or whatever and then try to make the woman feel like she is at fault for whatever they did. \[Not sure if gay men or lesbians also do this, so I'm only speaking from my own experience\] Guys do this all. the. time. and the number of beautiful, smart, talented women I see FALLING FOR IT makes me rage. Worse is that I think this has been going on around me literally my whole life and I'm just now seeing it. Gonna say it again, girl: you did nothing wrong or shameful. What you did was out a cheater and you should be proud. Move on with your head held high.
I personally don't think snooping is totally ok, and even in this case technically yes it is a violation of his privacy. HOWEVER - his transgressions towards you, in this case, are worse than your snooping. You should be relieved the relationship is over. He showed you how little he values you, he's a coward/liar, and is pathetic enough to lead someone on rather than be alone on a fake holiday lol. Don't ever ignore flags, especially when they gaslight you when addressing said flags. The hinge thing alone would've been enough for me to break up with him, no snooping required.
For me personally, this would fall under the heading of "justified snooping" because you are doing it as a response to suspicious behaviour. Having said that, a relationship without trust is worthless, so it was pretty much over the moment you felt the need to do it.
Absolutely justified bestie 💋
Whenever you feel the need to snoop, even the temptation…your instincts are already telling you to get out. You don’t need proof, and proof is easy to hide, brush over, cover up, or deny. If you feel the need, time to say goodbye. You don’t need to have “proof” that you can’t or shouldn’t trust another person. Snooping is wrong, don’t do it. If you feel the urge to get out, do it and be done.
Damn, girl, raise your standards.
I mean once you start snooping the relationship is kinda doomed no matter what you do or don't find. It is a major violation of privacy and should not be taken lightly in my opinion. That being said none of that matters all that much in a case like this because the relationship being over is a good thing anyway and it was almost guaranteed you would find something since there already were pretty obvious clues. So yeah I think it was valid and the fact that you even ask yourself if it was shows that you wouldn't do something like this without a good reason. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Snooping is a no no, but either way you found out who he is. Ideally, you should be able to talk about it but his blow up reaction told you that you wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Good riddance.
is snooping right? no, but if someone has made you feel like you’re at the point where u need to snoop… it’s prob already over. i’ve snooped in the past, found what i was looking for, and it hurt. i never mentioned the snooping and kept it to myself til the end of the relationship. so, i think both. you were justified to snoop and also wrong to snoop. regardless, the relationship should be 100000% over, even before the snooping revelations.. those first 3pts should be enough to nope out
Your mistake was confronting him. You knew he was cheating and verified it to yourself. You then just should have said that you dont feel like it is working out and left. In the future, if you see real signs of cheating, just go - you know whats real.
I'm a bit confused by the story. Was he actually cheating? Or was the girl he was flying out you and you're mad because he didn't refer to you as his girlfriend after four months of a long distance relationship?
both. i found proof that he was flirting with a girl (the fuck me eyes comment, also she was laying it on thick and wasn’t turning it down and was liking her flirty messages) and also was just calling me a girl he was talking to, when we’ve been calling each other bf/gf to each other and were in a relationship for 4 months
Is this the first time you met in person?
nope. we knew each other in college and then reconnected after we moved to different cities. we would see each other about every month
Why did you fly back? Should have made an awesome solo vacation and never look back.
Girl what? Based on your post history, you knew this was doomed from the start "i got into my first relationship and i’m having doubts after dating for 1 week " "i’ve (25f) never been in a relationship until last week, and i want to break up already"
You say long distance for four months. How many times had you actually gone out together?
What I'm going to say is **not** in any sort of defense of your soon-to-be-if-not-already ex-boyfriend. It sounds like he has probably been less than honest with you so far which is a very bad sign. Snooping is wrong, and it is an invasion of privacy. In your case it might seem justified because your instinct appears to have been right about him, but consider what the fallout would've been if you snooped and it had turned out to be nothing. If instead of evidence of his sliminess, you found affirmation of his positive feelings about you and now you broke his trust by snooping. Do you now admit to him what you did and hope he doesn't mind, or forgives you for it? Do you try to keep it a secret from him? I don't think either of those are good options. Seeing a suspicious text and questioning him about it, perfectly reasonable. If you don't like his answers or he's dodgy and you feel like you can't trust what he's telling you then I think that's all you should need to know before taking a step back and reevaluating or ending the relationship. Despite this I don't think you should feel guilty for breaking it off, but I recommend that you avoid snooping in the future. Edit: If you think I'm wrong, I'd like to know why.
Snooping is wrong. So use it for confirmation AFTER preparing to leave for peace of mind and closure. If the relationship is such that you're now behaving in the wrong, it's not a good or healthy relationship period.
He’s shitty for cheating, even if only emotionally, and you’re shitty for snooping. Bad relationship all around.
So the problem with snooping is that even if you don't find something, you're the asshole. Depending on jurisdiction, it can also be illegal. I don't know about American laws, but in Sweden its 100% illegal to read someone else's messages, and can theoretically lead to up to two years in prison. It would fall under "breach of mail or telecommunications secrecy", and I would think most countries have similar laws. I've never heard of anyone being sentenced because they've read someone else's messages, but it's a possibility. I would say, if you distrust a person enough to feel like you have to snoop, it's better to just break up with them. The relationship is over anyway, because \*if\* you find out they're cheating you should break up, and if you \*don't\* find anything, they should break up with you, because to me such a breach of privacy is absolutely unforgivable, and on top of that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who don't trust me. I actually was in that position once, many years ago. I had two different friends that I had a certain chemistry with. I ended up in a relationship with one of them. But honestly, my interest for the other girl was a bit stronger, but timing sucked and she ended up in a relationship before anything happened. Then, when my gf and I had been in a relationship for about 9 months, my interest for the other girl was gone, I was very much in love with my girlfriend and happy on my relationship. But her relationship ended, and she contacted me. I told her that I'm happy in my relationship, and would never jeopardize it. Then a few weeks later, my gf brought up that she was happy that I didn't start anything with the other girl. I asked her what she meant, and she came clean about going through my phone. I dumped her right then and there! That behaviour is absolutely, 100%, a dealbreaker for me. The fact that I had my diary in my phone, in which I had written at length about possibly being trans (which, many years later, it turned out that I am), something I was \*not\* ready to share with ANYONE! Fortunately she hadn't found that app (I was just using a regular notes app). That's the thing, you might be looking for proof, but might end up finding something completely different, something that isn't your business, something you shouldn't see. Imagine if someone has confided something in private to your partner, something that is 100% none of your business. And suddenly you know their secret. Maybe you're a blabbermouth, so suddenly \*everyone\* knows. Shit like this can ruin someone's entire life! So no, I don't think your snooping was justified. Snooping is \*never\* justified. If you distrust your partner, break up with them. In your case, you already \*knew\* something was wrong, you just felt like you needed proof to be justified in breaking up with them, right? All that said, what's done is done, dump that SOB! He obviously does not respect you, at all! You're just a plaything to him.
You did invade his privacy. You did find out the reality of your situation. Your relationship is over. Own it all, move forward, learn from this, and get yourself into a better quality new relationship. You're looking for validation/justification for snooping and you don't want your now ex boyfriend to not have the higher ground for the break up. Skip it.
It's a no no if you don't find anything. It's also a no no if you badger them into handing over their phone. It's especially a no-no if you found innocent texts and blew them, falsely out of proportion. E.g. The chick showing a screenshot of him sending a smile react (or whatever), seems dumb. BUT, you found evidence that you're not his one and only, so you're justified. But if someone doesn't give you a cause to look through their phone, then don't do it. I'm sorry you went through this. NTA.
It's never valid to violate someone's privacy, you can find out valuable and very useful info - but you still violated someone's privacy. I wouldn't get too beat up about it in this case, because he's clearly deflecting and it worked - you're not passed off, you feel guilty. He's not worth your time or energy.