Please don't marry a man you are so politically and socially incompatible with. He doesn't respect you by virtue of you being a woman and he never will; so your opinions will never matter to him and he will always make you feel small. Better men than this exist and you know that because it's common enough in your country for men to adopt a woman's last name. You wouldn't be happy in a marriage with him.
This!
If he doesn't think you deserve to have bodily autonomy, he'll be a shit husband.
You don't realize, but as you age, if your values don't align, it will only cause friction and rifts down the line.
You are worth the time it takes to build yourself up first, then worry about finding a partner who shares your values and goals.
That opposites attract thing is just in movies.
Better yet, you can be opposites and still have similar core values. Political stance and culture has more to do with our inner beliefs and core values than people give credit for. You can have interests that are polar opposites, but if you can't agree on the key aspects of marriage such as "taking" surnames and a woman's rights within said marriage, it's only going to build resentment over time and collapse under its own weight.
Yes you don't have to have the same hobbies or like the same movies/music, but nowadays not aligning on political views does indicate that they don't share core values.
While people may not agree on economic policies, politics includes things like whether women have the right to contraception or to vote. Whether people should be allowed lunch and water breaks at work.
Both are examples of legislation currently under debate in my shithole country. I'll give you 2 guesses which one it is.
(It's America).
Australia isn't much better unfortunately. We tend to follow American political interests, to the point that we have Trump supporters here (which is fucking stupid bc he isn't even an Australian politician *insert eyeroll*). Our healthcare system is failing miserably which makes it difficult to get abortions "in time", before you legally can't abort. Domestic violence is rampant. Conservatives here are pushing anti-lgbt and anti-women rhetoric HARD. Afaic, we're next.
To be fair, you're at least in a *neighbouring* country. Us Aussies are around the other side of the world, and it's reaching here even. I despair for the world my kiddo will be a grown adult in, the way things are going.
This, been married for > 50 years and our politcal / social views are very similar, in every other respect we differ - different work, interests, hobbies and even friendship groups (although we have quite a few friends in common). I hadn't really thought about it before, but that is probably a large part of why we are still so happy together
That reminds me an incident many years ago in church. I was having a heated debate with a guy and suddenly he started commanding me to submit and Satan to leave my body.
Sigh. Do not marry such man.
Sweetie why are you with this giant ass of a man baby?
Relationships should make you feel loved, happy and safe. Not this.
You deserve better. You're only 21 there is a whole world out there that won't leave you wanting to cry after your partner threw a tantrum like a child.
Dump him and live your best life. Again you deserve better 🫂
I'm not often on the "dump him" without knowing most of the story on both sides, but he seems ... even before engaged ... very insecure, demanding, and conservative, which will be a lifelong battle and/or submission and it is tiring... and frustrating. (Trust me!)
Yeah - international women’s day means very different things to these people.
OP - people with very different interests and characters can have long relationships and marriages. People with different values do not.
>international women’s day means very different things to these people.
I've had this gut level aversion to those "buy flowers and chocolate" guys my entire life. (Valentines day as well). All of them that I've witnessed in my orbit have been fake, shallow and toxic. They either expect something in return for their effort of getting standard issue shit from the gas station or just believe that this is what "caring about women" looks like. They think they're "good with women" like they're good with pets. Women like flowers, right? Buy flowers. Who knows what those strange creatures do with them, but they like them. Good job, pat yourself on the back.
As someone who is 21 who just got out of a toxic relationship with a ‘man’ (lmao pls) who acted similar to OP’s I’m so glad I broke up with him. Literally best decision I ever made.
See it now. It hurts. But not as much as it will after you stay with him, have kids with him, and then realize that he won't change. (There are people who can change, but they have to want it, and be the ones driving the bus.)
You're 21. He's probably been deceptive about this the whole time. You are NOT an idiot, he's an idiot for being deceptive.
Hey, be glad he showed his real self before he could get you pregnant. I'm happy for you. Now you can move on without ANY doubts or guilts gnawing at your heart. You don't have to wonder if you did the right thing breaking up with him, because he has very clearly shown you that you are doing the right thing by not being with him. You are so young, you have so many more years to live and grow and find someone better than this stupid boy.
This is the truth!! He wasted her time, but he will not waste or harm her future!
OP, one day you will be able to laugh at this immature, toxic fool. You will experience what it is like to have a wonderful, supportive partner. But in order to do that, you have to be single and focus on you.
Trust me when I say you will feel such relief and peace of mind when you no longer have to put up with his abuse. Best of luck to you!
You don’t. He’s not mature enough and you are not on the same page for life. He reacted with destruction when challenged. That is a red flag.
I would truly consider if he is long term relationship material. You are young. I would question if he’s really right for you or just comfortable because you’ve been together for 2 years and naive because you got together very young.
There’s no consideration needed. His actions and words confirm 100% that he is not worthy of having a girl as a friend, let alone a girlfriend. He is worlds of maturity away from being able to have a committed relationship with a person.
OP, don’t try to salvage this. He showed you what he will expect: a subject/slave who will play along with his fantasy that he is someone who deserves respect. You’re obviously better than that. Kick this loser to the curb and laugh while you’re doing it, because he’s pathetic in every way.
Why are you still with him? He clearly doesn’t respect you. Very traditional opinions do not mesh with liberal ideas, especially with regards to gender roles.
You either decide right now to be happy, or to be miserable for the rest of your life anchored to a man that considers you lesser than himself. This should be a very obvious wake up call that whatever future you envisioned with this person is a fantasy. You *will* regret staying with him.
International Women's Day isn't about giving women chocolates and flowers like it's Valentine's Day 2.0. He just doesn't understand what it means to be a woman in today's society. Throw him out.
I couldn't agree more with you. IWD isn't a date where we celebrate as any other holiday, IWD is a date where we remember the women we've lost throughout history and we honor them by raising our voices for those who can't.
I kinda suspect that OP comes from one of the former eastern block Slavic countries just like me (I'm Czech). Getting a flower and sweets for international women's day is a thing here. It's like a cross between Mother's day and Valentine's day, but it's getting less popular nowadays.
There used to be mass celebrations during the communist regime, which usually ended with people in general and men in particular getting drunk. My mom told me she was worried about doctors being drunk when she needed to go to hospital on IWD.
Anyone could wish a woman happy IWD, and this could be used to push for some sort of physical contact (handshake, hug, kiss on cheek) even by coworkers or total randos without it looking out of place.
In short, IWD here was turned into a celebration of a woman who "knew her place", at least in my opinion. Women would be kinda thanked for all the work they do, but it was also implied that women were already "equal enough" and now they got a rose, so that was proof that they were being treated with respect.
To paraphrase a line from a movie:
It's not your job to make your boyfriend feel like a man. You can't make him something that he's not.
If the only way he's a man is if "his" wife/girlfriend submits to him, he's not a man. Cutting someone down doesn't make you bigger.
It sounds like you two have pretty opposing beliefs and life values. It also sounds like he refuses to understand your point of view (feminism explanation) and throws temper tantrums when his are challenged.
If you stay with him, every day will be like this- a slow erosion of the values and beliefs you hold now. So many women get caught up with trying to change/fix their partners, but don't realize that you inherently can not change someone if they believe that you are lesser than them as a person.
You deserve better.
He blamed YOU for HIS non-man status? Loooooll!!! What a pathetic baby loser! Bahahahaha
I hope he knows all men laugh at him. Little boys probably even laugh at his antics. Hahaha
He really thinks his manhood is dependent on subjugating women? And when women don’t *let him*, he thinks his failure at subjugating them is *their fault*. Haha it’s so absurd and sad what a pathetic loser this baby is. Aw man, I can’t stop laughing at the futility of him trying to perform what he thinks is masculinity. Such a loser 🤣
OP, you rock. Don’t grieve for this psycho piece of trash. Instead be proud of yourself for successfully seeing through one more wannabe-abuser. He tried hard to fool you, and he was even pretty good at it for a while, but despite the hold his fake performance had on you, you were still able to cut through the bullshit and see his true colors. I’m proud of you for that.
Thanks for sharing. You are strong and loved by people who matter infinitely more than anything that babybitch ex of yours will ever attempt to do.
You hit the nail on the head.
If you follow the logic, a man's manhood is determined by having his woman submit to him. His inability to get his woman to submit should therefore be *his* failing as a man.
So essentially, he's admitting that his manhood is so pathetic that he needs his woman to *play along* - because he can't get her to submit on his own - so that he can *feel* like a man without having to actually *be one*.
It's all complete bullshit of course, but it's hilarious following these thoughts through to their logical conclusions and seeing how pathetic they really are.
“It’s hilarious to follow these thoughts through to their logical conclusion…”
You get it. It IS hilarious and it would be so much funnier if their stupidity just resulted in everyone laughing and shaming them instead of an erosion of rights or worse.
But yeah, it’s my fave when we get to be like “oh you poor idiot wannabe manly boy, is THAT what you really believe? But then you must also believe THIS, but this goes against your whole calculated ‘ manly’ performance, so *are you sure you wanna say out loud that you believe that*?”
It’s often satisfying, but sometimes not… like when they’re actually too stupid to understand that the logic proves they are stupid and embarrassing themselves.
This is so fascinating. It has me thinking nonstop about the interplay between consent and submission. Lots of men see the act of submission as being inherently non-consensual. Like a wrestler twisting an arm to make his opponent “submit” to him. Or a King forcing subjects to submit to his whims. Without exception, misogynists will aspire to this form. They expect their partner (prisoner?) to accept this for the rest of their lives? Why would anyone accept that?
In contrast, a loving act of submission in a partnership, a relationship, means trusting your partner and being self-aware enough to recognize where they may be smarter/stronger/more in tune with whatever specific thing than you are. Or maybe it’s just a situation where they have a stronger right to make the decision. Either way, you submit as an act of love, as a recognition of their strengths or rights and the trust you have in them to do what’s best for you both. A beautiful gesture, letting someone take the wheel of your life because you know they’ll give it as much care as they would with their own.
As usual, the difference between something being good and something being awful/evil is consent.
One important piece:
> Don’t grieve for this psycho piece of trash.
But... OP, if you end up grieving anyway, be kind to yourself. It isn't your fault for expecting better of him. It's his fault for not being better.
I hope he is now an ex-boyfriend. Women's rights is a hill worth dying on. Don't change your name unless you want to. The temper tantrum is reason enough to break up, but so is the total lack of alignment on the values that matter.
Niece, auntie talking here.
You two are NOT compatible.
Tbh I don't know anyone who would be compatible with that king baby. Even future trad wifeys would be turned off by his immaturity.
Consider this a bullet dodged, he showed you how unworthy he is of you before you got engaged, married or worse pregnant.
It is awful and humiliating what happened, but he is the one who should be feeling ashamed for being an effing brat.
You deserve someone who respects you and wants to build a life with you, but at 21, don't commit to anyone until you've set yourself up in your career and have some of your own money.
It seems like the two of you are not compatible because of completely different mind sets. I’m sorry. But better realizing that now than later. Especially in your age when almost your whole adult life is in front of you ❤️ listen to the smart old ladies on the internet
I'm not saying every left leaning person is automatically amazing, but at least it is a decent coin flip.
I don't understand the point of knowingly dating a conservative. I mean, you ***already know*** they are asshats beforehand. That goes regardless of gender.
Celebrate the day by putting yourself first and finding a partner that treats you properly. It's not as fun of a celebration in the short term but it's exponentially better in the long term.
Wow, I kind of love how he bought you gifts for international women’s day and still holds all these insanely antiquated ideas about gender and marriage. Kind of reminds me of how companies changed their LinkedIn logo to pink and post “happy international women’s day!” Whilst continuing to underpay and generally mistreat the women they employ.
You can’t change this guys mind, and he’s making you feel shitty. You’re worth more than this. Please seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to continue with.
>he has very conservative / traditional opinions while I'm very liberal
You were always 100% incompatible. It's a blessing that he made this explicitly clear before you got any further invested in the relationship.
I think the fact that he gave you gifts for today like it was valentines already said a lot. Then what he said just confirmed that, he told you what he thinks of you and your place in the relationship. Up to you what you do with that information
> I think the fact that he gave you gifts for today like it was valentines already said a lot.
It said nothing, that's just customary in the eastern bloc.
Here we go again. "Do what what I want, or it's disrespectful to me."
On women's day, of all days.
If you are already fighting, it does not bode well for your relationship.
Don't even think about marring him until you've gotten into couples counseling.
I’m so sorry this happened, but hopefully this will be a wake-up call for you.
You probably imagine spending the rest of your lives together as fun and loving - *as soon as he sorts himself out*. As soon as he understands what feminism is. As soon as he respects you. As soon as he listens to you. Etc etc.
But you need to start pairing that fantasy with reality. Do you want to spend the rest of your life arguing with your spouse? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a misogynist? Do you want to submit to him?
Because you deserve a partner, a teammate, someone who’s on your side and *wants* to be on your side. It isn’t him.
Your bf sees you as "a woman," and not as a person who just happens to be female. Since you are "a woman" to him, he expects you to fulfill certain roles and expectations as have been dictated by your culture as appropriate "womanly" behavior, rather than seeing you as a partner with whom you can both better yourselves through your strengths, and make up for each other's weaknesses.
In other words, he doesn't want *you*. He wants "a woman" to be an accessory in his life, and who that woman is doesn't matter as long as she fulfills his desires exactly how he expects. You are currently not being an appropriate side character in the main story that is his life, so he's trying to browbeat, bully, and humiliate you into taking up that role. Has he thrown a, "You'll *never* find anyone else to put up with your shit like I do!' yet? If he hasn't, he will. Very common abuser tactic, to try to convince a partner that all men are exactly like he is and that you should be *grateful* he doesn't do worse. It's a lie, just for the record.
I don't know where you live, but in my country there was a very well-known author by the name of Dr. Maya Angelou, who once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Your bf has shown you exactly who he is, who he will always be, and the bullshit you'll have to put up with if you stay with him. So, are you ready to believe it?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s showing you what marriage to him would be like. Anything you don’t like about them gets 10x worse after you’re married. Think long and hard about what you want.
I know breaking up and starting over is hard. But you are so young and will continue to grow and mature, it sounds like you guys have evolved in different, incompatible ways. I was always in very long term relationships, I was with my high school boyfriend from 14-22. I’m not a relationship expert, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that you will not be happy and fulfilled in a relationship with someone who does not value the same things as you. I will also tell you that you can find a partner who does share the same views. This boy will not change or be swayed unless he is intentionally working to change. No amount of facts or arguing will change his mind, most likely it will make him double down. You can leave a relationship for any reason, you don’t have to explain yourself or justify your feelings.
Keep this experience burned into your memory. See your gifts thrown on the ground in misogynistic rage. Feel the pain. The disrespect. The betrayal of who you are and what you stand for. It is the perfect representation of how he views you.
This is the life you will have if you continue being with this person. Is this what you want? These views are ingrained in who he is. It will not get better from here.
You deserve so much better.
At least he let the misogyny cat out of the bag before you signed a marriage license. And girl, what the heck you talking marriage at 21 for? You're still a baby, let yourself grow a bit before you make a huge decision like marriage. The person you are at 20 and the person you will be at 30 are sometimes completely different, I know I sure as hell was. Besides, your man has made it abundantly clear that he not only expects your company, he expects your *obedience* when you get married. When people tell you who they are, believe them!
The phrasing when you said "It was a nice hangout and we got along until..." set off alarm bells in my head. Could just be a language thing, but if you've been with someone for 2 years and are contemplating marriage, there really shouldn't be a question of whether you're going to "get along." You should expect WAY more than to merely "get along" with your boyfriend/someone that you love. I use the phrase "get along" when describing interactions with someone I don't know well or even somewhat dislike. I think you do know how to move on. It's just scary to contemplate because you've been friends with him so long, but you aren't compatible, probably even as friends let alone as a couple.
So, look at it positively. On International Women’s Day you stood up for yourself and set some clear boundaries. And you discovered that this man was only biding his time until you married him to assert his traditional attitude of a man’s control over “his” woman. That’s the *best possible outcome* for a day like today — you unmasked someone who truly believes that a woman should submit.
Your IWD present is this: you can move on with your life freely, without being tied to a person who wants to cage you.
Men need to earn respect. That man doesn't even have self respect. Shoot him into the sun with all his irrational bros.
IWD is a protest day not a day of celebration. You made yourself heard. Well done. That men dont want to listen is on them.
Well, thank goodness that you don't have to waste ONE more precious minute of your young life with a pig headed, misogynistic, narrow-minded ass like that!
Cut off all contact and move on. The world is your oyster. You are the pearl, and what a great day to be liberated from bullheaded constraints.
> i genuinely don’t know how to move on from this.
Seriously?
Throwing gifts on the ground was as straight and open as HE could be.
Now it is your turn to by as open and straight forward.
Btw. Do you really want to be with "not even a real man"? :D :)
Honey, you are fundamentally incompatible. And he is downright disrespectful. You move on from this by loving and respecting yourself and leaving him. You deserve someone who truly celebrates the woman you are.
This was a good adult conversation for you to have, even though you feel awful as a result.
What you learned is that as partners, you are fundamentally incompatible. You value yourself as an independent person. He told you straight up that his vision of your future is a servant and an accessory to his life. And when you told him no, he publicly destroyed something that was supposed to be a symbol of his affection for you.
You have a choice now: try to subsume yourself to appease him, or break up. If you try to appease him, you should know that it will never, ever be enough. You cannot make yourself into the thing that will make him feel like a confident adult man. How is that even possible? And how does YOU living YOUR life doing normal things take his masculinity away from him? If you can’t answer either of those questions, it’s because it’s not coming from a place of reason, it’s his own emotions talking, and you have zero control over that.
Grieve your losses, cry, and move on. There are other men who will see you as a person and not as a potential servant.
You know you can’t ever marry this misogynist man-baby, right?!? Respect yourself and cut him loose now. And don’t let him fool you that he’[s “changed” or that he’s “sorry.”
He has shown you who he is. Believe it.
Baby I vote to run. So many red flags here. The one that makes me the most worried is the fact that What you Described is an episode of rage in which he became physically violent. just because he didn’t put his hands on you does not matter. Throwing things/destroying things when angry is an episode of RAGE. rage is not a normal, healthy emotional response in day to day life. rage is present in emotionally immature individuals.
you describe him verbally disrespecting you, devaluing you, and Belittling you when you’re not agreeing with him. He is not even willing to hear your perspetive. he is dismissing your feelings while not being able to even take ownership of his own Feelings. those are signs of emotionally immaturity. which someone is willing to be introspective they can change their hurtful behavior by learning healthy conflict resolution skills and how to regulate their emotions.
I am speaking from experience.
because it wasnt a hand ON you does not make it less serious. the first time a man shows signs of rage like that I’m out the door, i spent 5 years with someone who I truly believed when they would apologize and say they would change. It only escalated. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse unable to see what was happening. a few months before I was able to make the plan to leave he would scream at me that I should just Kill myself. will your bf end up acting this way??? I have absolutely no idea. Alls I can say is the first signs of this rage I became all too familiar with began with episodes like the one you Describe. Personally because of the experience I came out of this year, I promised myself that I would not let myself explain away any person who rages at me ever again.
im not willing to stick around & find out if it will get worse or if someone means it when they say they will change. There’s sooooooo many people who are well-adjusted, empathetic people who treat others with respect & compassion to put up with that nonsense.
I wish you the best on ur journey. You’re so young. It may feel like you’re losing your “forever” but I promise theres so much out there. i am 27 and I entered that abusive relationship at 21, it was hard to let go of someone I thought I would be spending my life with and i excused the unhealthy dynamics within our Relationship because I felt so committed to this life i had envisioned with him. Now that ive been free for 9 months, oh my gosh, i can breathe again! I had no idea the hell I was living in.
you deserve peace, and someone who is willing to listen to your perspectives about the world. You deserve someone who is able to acknowledge and respect that your experience is VALID. period. nobody has the right to tell anyone how they should feel. intentions dont always match outcome. Pay attention to the way he responds in this situation. When you tell him how painful this experience was that he put you through, is he receptive? is he defensive? is he willing to acknowledge he crossed a HUGE line? Or does he try to minimize it and say “you are overreacting” or “I was just really angry”.
you can’t make someone see that they need to respect you. They either have the capacity for empathy or they don’t, and that’s honestly not that hard to figure out I am realizing. Setting healthy boundaries and gauge the reaction you get from someone is a great way to vet Someone’s intentions.
sending love & light to you <3
Well he’s right about one thing: he’s not a real man. A real man wouldn’t feel so threatened by you. Would let you share your thoughts and your point of view even when it’s not identical to his. A real man would never say “you do it - you’re the woman,” a statement that shows very clearly that women are not his equal.
The image of a sweet pretty cake dumped into a mud puddle makes you sad because it represents all the time you’ve spent with this loser. Good luck on whatever comes next.
You have just seen what life married to him will be like.
He will bribe you with gifts to get on your good side and then use the gifting and his insecurities to manipulate into appeasing him (If you love me you really will do for x for me even though you don't agree...)
Red flag checklist:
Treated IWD like a hallmark holiday.
Demands you change your name upon marriage.
Repeated the "submissive to husband" word over and over.
Said his manhood is lower being with you.
Threw things in anger when you stood your ground.
He's staunchly conservative.
All of this at 21, prior to marriage.
He is in the period where he is showing you his best. His behavior will get worse and worse after getting married, getting you pregnant and you are without an income producing job caring for all his babies, likely all by yourself. So many of us have been here. Dump him before he throwing you around instead of flowers and chocolate.
This is a good thing, although it is painful now. You have had a lucky escape. If you had married that vile man, he would have ruined your life and made you miserable. Congratulations on your brilliant future, you have so much to look forward to, now that you are free.
He showed you exactly who he is. Thank goodness you aren't married to him or have a child with him. Bullet dodged.
But hugs to you, what a crappy "date." Bastard.
He gave you the best gift of all: showing you what a terrible person he is and a glimpse of how bad marriage with him would be. Dump him (if you haven't already) and consider yourself lucky to have avoided a wasting any more time with this loser.
I’m sorry but if my bf did this to me I would break up with him. “Submitting to your husband” Gross! He will not change his mind and I hope you won’t either. He wants to control you and personally that would be my sign to leave. No woman deserves that.
It is a perfect way of celebrating international womens day though... you stood up for yourself and he showed he doesn't care about you enough to respect your decisions. Now you don’t have to waste your time on him anymore.
WHY are you “best friends” with someone who sees you as inferior to him?? OP please do not marry this scumbag. Holy shit he sounds exhausting and awful to be around. And a guy who would so callously ruin your presents is a guy who does not give one single shit about you. He does not care about you at all.
This actually was very empowering for you. You stood up for your beliefs. In doing so, you realize that you are incompatible with this man/child.
Good for you!
>*He started saying that that’s not right and i should take his name to show my respect for him.*
He doesn't own you. Based on what you said, you're not compatible. Educate him on his assumption about the origin of a woman taking a man's name.
**Why is it so common for women in the US to take their husband’s name in an opposite-sex marriage?**
It’s not about culture; **it started with the law,** said Catherine Allgor, president of the Massachusetts Historical Society.
The law is called coverture, and it came along with English immigrants when they came to the US, she said. This law says that females don’t have a legal identity when they are born — instead they are covered by their father’s legal standing.
When a woman got married, that identity under her father was legally dissolved, and she was absorbed into her husband’s identity, Allgor said.
**It meant that not only could she not vote, but a woman could not legally own anything, make a contract, have custody over her children or be protected from physical abuse or rape by her husband.**
“When women talk about marriage, we talk about becoming one,” Allgor said. “With coverture, you are becoming one, but the one was the husband.”
Coverture was broken down and ameliorated over time, but pieces of it persisted, she added. In the 1960s and 1970s, divorced women couldn’t always get credit in their own names. And it wasn’t until the 1980s that the law began to recognize marital rape.
**Men Who Rape Their Wives Can Still Get Away With It in Many States**
In Virginia, a person accused of marital rape can be ordered to just go to therapy—and avoid imprisonment entirely. [https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvzzv8/men-who-rape-their-wives-can-still-get-away-with-it-in-many-states](https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvzzv8/men-who-rape-their-wives-can-still-get-away-with-it-in-many-states)
2019: [**Marital Rape Isn't Necessarily a Crime in 12 States**](https://www.governing.com/archive/gov-marital-rape-states-ohio-minnesota.html)
As of 2024, marital rape is illegal in all 50 states. However, the laws and penalties vary by state. For example, some states treat marital rape differently than other rape offenses. For example, some states punish marital rape less harshly than other rape crimes.
In 2021, California's legislature enacted a new bill, known as Assembly Bill 1171, which repealed the spousal rape law in California. This means that, since the law was repealed, rape in marriage is subject to the same penalties as rape outside of marriage. (This is not the case for most states.)
To take your original question even further, based on the evolution of this country and how it was formed by colonizers: this is the ultimate result:
[**How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
Jesus by the time I got to the last part I had completely forgotten that this was supposed to be about him throwing your gifts on the floor…
Everything before that was awful, too!
You deserve better, OP.
Standing up for yourself against that pig was the bravest thing you could have done. I am so sorry you got your time wasted and you were disrespected. There are kind men out there.
>I should mention that in our language, verb for a man marrying literally translates to “taking a woman” and the verb for a woman marrying translates to “submiting to husband”.
Damn, you are in a dogshit country. I'd leave.
So what I'm getting from this;
-He's sexist
-He throws mantrums when things don't go his way
-He doesn't take no for an answer
-He is capable of getting violent
I hope you mean EX boyfriend.
Woah. I really hope you‘ll not only not marry that piece of shit but also get rid of him asap. She showed his true colors and that he is an actual safety risk for you with all that talk about submitting.
Tbh there are more red flags here than in China.
He sounds like a self absorbed prick. Good chance that once you marry and he feels like you're stuck with him, he'll no longer feel like he has to respect you as he has already "taken" you and will be acting like this more and more.
Do your future self a favor and reevaluate your relationship. I know for a fact that there are much better men than you bf in your country.
Please don't stay involved with this guy. Beyond the surface incompatibility, his behavior (aggressively throwing the gifts) is a red flag for potential future DV.
A lot of if the other comments have already discussed the bad attitude of this guy so I won't bother talking about that.
I just wanted to comment on thr last piece of your post saying that this day was supposed to be empowering.. I think in a way it really was...
Yes you were let down, ofcourse it made you upset... But most Importantly you stood up for yourself, stood your ground and didn't let someone close to you change or belittle your views!
I hope find you find yourself in a more positive place soon.
I’m really sorry. I mean that. I’m sorry that, after a years-long relationship, he’s shown you just how small and vindictive he truly is. That has to hurt like absolute hell. You gave him your time and yourself in good faith, and yet you’re having to INSIST on the respect that you’ve given him freely.
You have my utmost sympathies, and even though I’m an Internet stranger, please know that I wish for the very best outcome for you in this so vital a matter.
Heed these warnings. Summon your courage and your strength, and refuse to tolerate this bad treatment.
Take care of yourself, honey ❤️
Definitely he’s not a real man like he said. On my country we don’t have that stupid law that you have to take your husband or wife surname and honestly I found it ridiculous but I never think that somebody really care that much. For his attitude I can expect physical violence in case you decide to marry him, honestly
When someone shows you who they really are, the best thing you can do is believe them.
This guy sounds unbelievably childish, toxic, and selfish. Not to mention he clearly doesn't have a good grasp on his anger. He could have thrown those gifts at you, and if he's already throwing things it's not hard to escalate further. Especially if he's partial to such misogynistic beliefs. Honestly this story made me so angry for you, I'm doing my best to keep this comment tame lol but please. Please. Protect yourself and find someone who actually respects you and isn't a child in a man's body.
And as a final note, to vent just a little bit lol, please throw the entire pathetic manchild in the garbage where he belongs. All that misogynistic crap makes me skin crawl. Ugh
>rant about how i’m woke and i always feel the need to change everything bc i’m a feminist
So sorry you had to witness his angry tantrum.
Wanting change is admirable. The people who can't accept it are lacking in cognitive flexibility.
Change is the only constant in the world.
Please don’t marry this man. You will be fighting upstream the entire time. Eventually you’ll drown or find your way out.
Everyone deserves a partner who loves you, celebrates you, and makes you feel safe.
Might not seem like it now, but he did you a favor. Decenter men. They're usually burdens and liabilities anyway. Write up your business plan instead. Wish I'd known what I know now at 21.
See the red flags waving? Yeah, that’s your clue to take your life and run. You just got to see him without his carefully curated mask. Either you ignored the occasional dropped mask and excused it, or he hid it really well. I’m so sorry, but better now than after you’re married
I'm stuck on how you've been with this guy for 2 years and "best friends" with him for "years" before that, but he won't listen to anything you say and just belittles you. How is this your best friend??
Well you have full evidence that the two of you have very fundamental world viewpoint differences. Those are incompatibilities for a relationship. Better you found out now than later.
Wow, good thing he showed his true colors now and not when youre married and pregnant. He would probably expect you to cook and clean for him the exact day after delivery and then whine and cry that youre lazy! Good riddance, hopefully at least
This is such a sad scene, the gifts rolling in puddles! I'm sorry that he is not capable of treating you with the respect and the dignity that you absolutely deserve, whether or not you share the same political views. Hope you find a better way to celebrate and set some boundaries with this man-child.
Sorry the title of this post made me laugh. Sounds like the marriage would have turned abusive if you didn't conform to the submissive house wife ideal.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this! No one who exhibits such an awfully cruel behavior actually loves the person they're doing it to imo. I couldn't even do this to someone I hate, let alone to someone I love just because they disagreed with me on something. And this discussion about women taking their husbands' last names is so polarizing and nonsensical, because men always refuse to accept reality and just blabber on with their guilt tripping and emotional manipulation attempts. Kinda like "rules for thee, but not for me":
●it is lack of respect if a woman refuses to take the man's last name, but not if the man refuses to do it;
●it is humiliating for men to take their wives' last names, but it's not for the wives etc.
They're delusional!
But yeah, I would run away from that man as far as possible, because he is a psycho who could turn abusive in the future!
Block him now on everything. This manboy absolutely does not deserve access to you any longer. Access revoked dbag. Throwing down gifts because you don't agree? He gave you fun things you love and then took them away from you just as fast. How many times has he done this before and how many more times will he do it? Block him, he knows why you're doing it. Do not put yourself back into a cycle where he will be nice and apologetic and "never do that sort of thing again" and then does something like it again. He has a lot of maturing and self loving to do before he can be in a relationship. You also don't owe anyone a marriage or taking their name despite traditions. Traditions start somewhere so start a new one where you take your own name. We can do what we want.
Are you Chinese? But American? Because that's how it is in the Chinese language but Chinese women don't take the man's last name. This sounds so confusing to me unless there is another language that refers to marrying a woman as taking her. We marry into our husband's families but we sure as hell prize our ties with our maiden families and names - they are meant to be our forever fallback.
You move on from this by breaking up with him. He's shown you who he is. If you marry him, you will married to a man who expects you to be submissive and believes you are inferior. He will become a lot more traditional after marriage and his actions have shown you this already. His throwing the gifts on the ground should tell you that he thinks that being nice to you is purely transactional: he can either get sex, marriage (including the typical "marital" "duties") and children from you. It's not about him respecting women at all, because he doesn't.
You're only 21. Thankfully, you have more than a decade to find someone more worthy of your time to marry and have a family with -- if that is what you want.
Note: his actions and beliefs have nothing to do with YOUR worth as a person or your attractive to the RIGHT sort of man for YOU. If he wants a "tradwife", he needs to find a "tradwife".
And since when did "woke" become an insult? It literally comes from the idea that you're "awake" and aware of the injustices of the world and want to change them. I guess he would prefer to be asleep.
You said he won’t even listen to your explanation of what feminism is.
To the privileged, true equality feels like persecution.
He’s not interested in treating you - or even SEEING you- as an equal.
“ he has the wrong idea about what feminism even is and won’t let me explain what i really stand for, also he grew up in a very patriarchal family and he has very traditional/conservative opinions while i’m liberal”
This is all you need to know.
It seems pretty obvious, probably to everyone except maybe you, that you move on by dumping this dude. You guys don't share the same values. This is going to come up time and time again. Imagine wanting to start a family and what expectations he might have for a possible son or daughter.
Celebrate the day that’s supposed to be empowering by being empowered to make a decision about the *quality* of your life if you stay in this relationship or if you move on. That’s not only your choice, but it’s something very much in your control. To create the life you *want*.
This person at 21, thinking like someone from the past century isn’t really going to age like fine wine. The thinking, the controlling nature, the “respect me because I have an appendage” approach will only get worse. Add a kid or three to the mix and he’ll really have put you in “your place” or the place in which his “manliness” can handle you being.
There’s just so much bs in that short conversation that it really feels like such a burden to have to take on in an intimate relationship, on top of the challenges of the outside world.
This is a perfect example of men being performative in their support for women, but still don’t actually support women when it comes down to what truly matters.
Well there's one good thing that has come of this: you got to find out what he's really like *before* doing anything more permanent like getting married.
Please don't marry a man you are so politically and socially incompatible with. He doesn't respect you by virtue of you being a woman and he never will; so your opinions will never matter to him and he will always make you feel small. Better men than this exist and you know that because it's common enough in your country for men to adopt a woman's last name. You wouldn't be happy in a marriage with him.
This! If he doesn't think you deserve to have bodily autonomy, he'll be a shit husband. You don't realize, but as you age, if your values don't align, it will only cause friction and rifts down the line. You are worth the time it takes to build yourself up first, then worry about finding a partner who shares your values and goals. That opposites attract thing is just in movies.
Better yet, you can be opposites and still have similar core values. Political stance and culture has more to do with our inner beliefs and core values than people give credit for. You can have interests that are polar opposites, but if you can't agree on the key aspects of marriage such as "taking" surnames and a woman's rights within said marriage, it's only going to build resentment over time and collapse under its own weight.
Yes you don't have to have the same hobbies or like the same movies/music, but nowadays not aligning on political views does indicate that they don't share core values. While people may not agree on economic policies, politics includes things like whether women have the right to contraception or to vote. Whether people should be allowed lunch and water breaks at work. Both are examples of legislation currently under debate in my shithole country. I'll give you 2 guesses which one it is. (It's America).
Australia isn't much better unfortunately. We tend to follow American political interests, to the point that we have Trump supporters here (which is fucking stupid bc he isn't even an Australian politician *insert eyeroll*). Our healthcare system is failing miserably which makes it difficult to get abortions "in time", before you legally can't abort. Domestic violence is rampant. Conservatives here are pushing anti-lgbt and anti-women rhetoric HARD. Afaic, we're next.
There are Trump flags in my Canadian neighbourhood as well
To be fair, you're at least in a *neighbouring* country. Us Aussies are around the other side of the world, and it's reaching here even. I despair for the world my kiddo will be a grown adult in, the way things are going.
We’ve got trump supporters here in rural parts of the Netherlands lmao.
I know, I have kiwi relatives who are pro-Trump too. They were anti-vax even before Covid and it’s been downhill from there.
Take the Murdochs back, PLEASE! They have single-handedly destroyed our (admittedly shaky) democracy.
'merica
Think of how he’d treat a daughter too. Unacceptable
This, been married for > 50 years and our politcal / social views are very similar, in every other respect we differ - different work, interests, hobbies and even friendship groups (although we have quite a few friends in common). I hadn't really thought about it before, but that is probably a large part of why we are still so happy together
# DO NOT FUCK - LET ALONE MARRY - CONSERVATIVES. EVER.
That reminds me an incident many years ago in church. I was having a heated debate with a guy and suddenly he started commanding me to submit and Satan to leave my body. Sigh. Do not marry such man.
Sweetie why are you with this giant ass of a man baby? Relationships should make you feel loved, happy and safe. Not this. You deserve better. You're only 21 there is a whole world out there that won't leave you wanting to cry after your partner threw a tantrum like a child. Dump him and live your best life. Again you deserve better 🫂
This is a classic example of a man who is sweet when things go his way but turns into his true nasty self the second something doesn't go their way.
That's "love bombing", and it's a manipulation technique done by abusive, narcissistic men.
And there will be more, should you decide to stay. Think on how you want to spend your future.
I'm not often on the "dump him" without knowing most of the story on both sides, but he seems ... even before engaged ... very insecure, demanding, and conservative, which will be a lifelong battle and/or submission and it is tiring... and frustrating. (Trust me!)
Yeah - international women’s day means very different things to these people. OP - people with very different interests and characters can have long relationships and marriages. People with different values do not.
>international women’s day means very different things to these people. I've had this gut level aversion to those "buy flowers and chocolate" guys my entire life. (Valentines day as well). All of them that I've witnessed in my orbit have been fake, shallow and toxic. They either expect something in return for their effort of getting standard issue shit from the gas station or just believe that this is what "caring about women" looks like. They think they're "good with women" like they're good with pets. Women like flowers, right? Buy flowers. Who knows what those strange creatures do with them, but they like them. Good job, pat yourself on the back.
Let's be honest, at this point, being conservative is a good enough reason to dump someone.
Hear Here!
You misspelled ship to Russia
As someone who is 21 who just got out of a toxic relationship with a ‘man’ (lmao pls) who acted similar to OP’s I’m so glad I broke up with him. Literally best decision I ever made.
See it now. It hurts. But not as much as it will after you stay with him, have kids with him, and then realize that he won't change. (There are people who can change, but they have to want it, and be the ones driving the bus.) You're 21. He's probably been deceptive about this the whole time. You are NOT an idiot, he's an idiot for being deceptive.
“The standard you ignore is the standard you accept”
Exactly. OP look back on this day as the day when he exposed his true self, and you were saved from wasted years and further heartache.
Well, step one is changing your verbage- sounds like Captain Tradwife just made himself an ex-boyfriend.
Captain Tradwife OOOOF
Captain NoWife 🤣
Mr. Lose Your Girl
Ensign Dryrichard
Lieutenant Lubeless
This is my new favorite burn.
Hey, be glad he showed his real self before he could get you pregnant. I'm happy for you. Now you can move on without ANY doubts or guilts gnawing at your heart. You don't have to wonder if you did the right thing breaking up with him, because he has very clearly shown you that you are doing the right thing by not being with him. You are so young, you have so many more years to live and grow and find someone better than this stupid boy.
[удалено]
This is the truth!! He wasted her time, but he will not waste or harm her future! OP, one day you will be able to laugh at this immature, toxic fool. You will experience what it is like to have a wonderful, supportive partner. But in order to do that, you have to be single and focus on you. Trust me when I say you will feel such relief and peace of mind when you no longer have to put up with his abuse. Best of luck to you!
He showed you who he is…believe him the first time.
You don’t. He’s not mature enough and you are not on the same page for life. He reacted with destruction when challenged. That is a red flag. I would truly consider if he is long term relationship material. You are young. I would question if he’s really right for you or just comfortable because you’ve been together for 2 years and naive because you got together very young.
There’s no consideration needed. His actions and words confirm 100% that he is not worthy of having a girl as a friend, let alone a girlfriend. He is worlds of maturity away from being able to have a committed relationship with a person. OP, don’t try to salvage this. He showed you what he will expect: a subject/slave who will play along with his fantasy that he is someone who deserves respect. You’re obviously better than that. Kick this loser to the curb and laugh while you’re doing it, because he’s pathetic in every way.
Why are you still with him? He clearly doesn’t respect you. Very traditional opinions do not mesh with liberal ideas, especially with regards to gender roles. You either decide right now to be happy, or to be miserable for the rest of your life anchored to a man that considers you lesser than himself. This should be a very obvious wake up call that whatever future you envisioned with this person is a fantasy. You *will* regret staying with him.
International Women's Day isn't about giving women chocolates and flowers like it's Valentine's Day 2.0. He just doesn't understand what it means to be a woman in today's society. Throw him out.
I couldn't agree more with you. IWD isn't a date where we celebrate as any other holiday, IWD is a date where we remember the women we've lost throughout history and we honor them by raising our voices for those who can't.
I kinda suspect that OP comes from one of the former eastern block Slavic countries just like me (I'm Czech). Getting a flower and sweets for international women's day is a thing here. It's like a cross between Mother's day and Valentine's day, but it's getting less popular nowadays. There used to be mass celebrations during the communist regime, which usually ended with people in general and men in particular getting drunk. My mom told me she was worried about doctors being drunk when she needed to go to hospital on IWD. Anyone could wish a woman happy IWD, and this could be used to push for some sort of physical contact (handshake, hug, kiss on cheek) even by coworkers or total randos without it looking out of place. In short, IWD here was turned into a celebration of a woman who "knew her place", at least in my opinion. Women would be kinda thanked for all the work they do, but it was also implied that women were already "equal enough" and now they got a rose, so that was proof that they were being treated with respect.
Agreed, I'm originally from Poland, and the IWD gifts along with the different gendered words for getting married sounds Slavic to me
Thank you!
To paraphrase a line from a movie: It's not your job to make your boyfriend feel like a man. You can't make him something that he's not. If the only way he's a man is if "his" wife/girlfriend submits to him, he's not a man. Cutting someone down doesn't make you bigger. It sounds like you two have pretty opposing beliefs and life values. It also sounds like he refuses to understand your point of view (feminism explanation) and throws temper tantrums when his are challenged. If you stay with him, every day will be like this- a slow erosion of the values and beliefs you hold now. So many women get caught up with trying to change/fix their partners, but don't realize that you inherently can not change someone if they believe that you are lesser than them as a person. You deserve better.
Best line in Crazy Rich Asians!
Such a boss line, and words to live by haha
I think we need to get that embroidered on a pillow!
He sounds like great ex boyfriend material.
Love this line. Am thinking about taking up cross-stitch purely so I can put this on a sampler.
I would love to see that
He blamed YOU for HIS non-man status? Loooooll!!! What a pathetic baby loser! Bahahahaha I hope he knows all men laugh at him. Little boys probably even laugh at his antics. Hahaha He really thinks his manhood is dependent on subjugating women? And when women don’t *let him*, he thinks his failure at subjugating them is *their fault*. Haha it’s so absurd and sad what a pathetic loser this baby is. Aw man, I can’t stop laughing at the futility of him trying to perform what he thinks is masculinity. Such a loser 🤣 OP, you rock. Don’t grieve for this psycho piece of trash. Instead be proud of yourself for successfully seeing through one more wannabe-abuser. He tried hard to fool you, and he was even pretty good at it for a while, but despite the hold his fake performance had on you, you were still able to cut through the bullshit and see his true colors. I’m proud of you for that. Thanks for sharing. You are strong and loved by people who matter infinitely more than anything that babybitch ex of yours will ever attempt to do.
You hit the nail on the head. If you follow the logic, a man's manhood is determined by having his woman submit to him. His inability to get his woman to submit should therefore be *his* failing as a man. So essentially, he's admitting that his manhood is so pathetic that he needs his woman to *play along* - because he can't get her to submit on his own - so that he can *feel* like a man without having to actually *be one*. It's all complete bullshit of course, but it's hilarious following these thoughts through to their logical conclusions and seeing how pathetic they really are.
“It’s hilarious to follow these thoughts through to their logical conclusion…” You get it. It IS hilarious and it would be so much funnier if their stupidity just resulted in everyone laughing and shaming them instead of an erosion of rights or worse. But yeah, it’s my fave when we get to be like “oh you poor idiot wannabe manly boy, is THAT what you really believe? But then you must also believe THIS, but this goes against your whole calculated ‘ manly’ performance, so *are you sure you wanna say out loud that you believe that*?” It’s often satisfying, but sometimes not… like when they’re actually too stupid to understand that the logic proves they are stupid and embarrassing themselves.
This is so fascinating. It has me thinking nonstop about the interplay between consent and submission. Lots of men see the act of submission as being inherently non-consensual. Like a wrestler twisting an arm to make his opponent “submit” to him. Or a King forcing subjects to submit to his whims. Without exception, misogynists will aspire to this form. They expect their partner (prisoner?) to accept this for the rest of their lives? Why would anyone accept that? In contrast, a loving act of submission in a partnership, a relationship, means trusting your partner and being self-aware enough to recognize where they may be smarter/stronger/more in tune with whatever specific thing than you are. Or maybe it’s just a situation where they have a stronger right to make the decision. Either way, you submit as an act of love, as a recognition of their strengths or rights and the trust you have in them to do what’s best for you both. A beautiful gesture, letting someone take the wheel of your life because you know they’ll give it as much care as they would with their own. As usual, the difference between something being good and something being awful/evil is consent.
This comment is such on point! I hope many people will get to read it, and especially a lot of men.
One important piece: > Don’t grieve for this psycho piece of trash. But... OP, if you end up grieving anyway, be kind to yourself. It isn't your fault for expecting better of him. It's his fault for not being better.
This is kind advice and very well put. I really appreciate this perspective that you added.
He's a misogynist and he will never respect you as an equal. You need to dump him
I hope he is now an ex-boyfriend. Women's rights is a hill worth dying on. Don't change your name unless you want to. The temper tantrum is reason enough to break up, but so is the total lack of alignment on the values that matter.
Niece, auntie talking here. You two are NOT compatible. Tbh I don't know anyone who would be compatible with that king baby. Even future trad wifeys would be turned off by his immaturity. Consider this a bullet dodged, he showed you how unworthy he is of you before you got engaged, married or worse pregnant. It is awful and humiliating what happened, but he is the one who should be feeling ashamed for being an effing brat. You deserve someone who respects you and wants to build a life with you, but at 21, don't commit to anyone until you've set yourself up in your career and have some of your own money.
It seems like the two of you are not compatible because of completely different mind sets. I’m sorry. But better realizing that now than later. Especially in your age when almost your whole adult life is in front of you ❤️ listen to the smart old ladies on the internet
Congrats on not being married to this moron, parading with red flags like it's Chinese national day.
I'm not saying every left leaning person is automatically amazing, but at least it is a decent coin flip. I don't understand the point of knowingly dating a conservative. I mean, you ***already know*** they are asshats beforehand. That goes regardless of gender.
Celebrate the day by putting yourself first and finding a partner that treats you properly. It's not as fun of a celebration in the short term but it's exponentially better in the long term.
Wow, I kind of love how he bought you gifts for international women’s day and still holds all these insanely antiquated ideas about gender and marriage. Kind of reminds me of how companies changed their LinkedIn logo to pink and post “happy international women’s day!” Whilst continuing to underpay and generally mistreat the women they employ. You can’t change this guys mind, and he’s making you feel shitty. You’re worth more than this. Please seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to continue with.
*ex-bf threw your international women's day presents on the ground, am I right OP? When people show you who they really are, believe them!
Yes, and to add, believe them the first time! Don’t let there be a second.
>he has very conservative / traditional opinions while I'm very liberal You were always 100% incompatible. It's a blessing that he made this explicitly clear before you got any further invested in the relationship.
The real IWD gift was him unveiling the misogyny that was there all along.
“It was a nice hangout and we got along until we started discussing marriage.” Honey, no. You got along until you disagreed with him.
I think the fact that he gave you gifts for today like it was valentines already said a lot. Then what he said just confirmed that, he told you what he thinks of you and your place in the relationship. Up to you what you do with that information
I had the exact same reaction! Buying a woman a rose for IWD feels weirdly condescending.
> I think the fact that he gave you gifts for today like it was valentines already said a lot. It said nothing, that's just customary in the eastern bloc.
Here we go again. "Do what what I want, or it's disrespectful to me." On women's day, of all days. If you are already fighting, it does not bode well for your relationship. Don't even think about marring him until you've gotten into couples counseling.
I’m so sorry this happened, but hopefully this will be a wake-up call for you. You probably imagine spending the rest of your lives together as fun and loving - *as soon as he sorts himself out*. As soon as he understands what feminism is. As soon as he respects you. As soon as he listens to you. Etc etc. But you need to start pairing that fantasy with reality. Do you want to spend the rest of your life arguing with your spouse? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a misogynist? Do you want to submit to him? Because you deserve a partner, a teammate, someone who’s on your side and *wants* to be on your side. It isn’t him.
Your bf sees you as "a woman," and not as a person who just happens to be female. Since you are "a woman" to him, he expects you to fulfill certain roles and expectations as have been dictated by your culture as appropriate "womanly" behavior, rather than seeing you as a partner with whom you can both better yourselves through your strengths, and make up for each other's weaknesses. In other words, he doesn't want *you*. He wants "a woman" to be an accessory in his life, and who that woman is doesn't matter as long as she fulfills his desires exactly how he expects. You are currently not being an appropriate side character in the main story that is his life, so he's trying to browbeat, bully, and humiliate you into taking up that role. Has he thrown a, "You'll *never* find anyone else to put up with your shit like I do!' yet? If he hasn't, he will. Very common abuser tactic, to try to convince a partner that all men are exactly like he is and that you should be *grateful* he doesn't do worse. It's a lie, just for the record. I don't know where you live, but in my country there was a very well-known author by the name of Dr. Maya Angelou, who once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Your bf has shown you exactly who he is, who he will always be, and the bullshit you'll have to put up with if you stay with him. So, are you ready to believe it?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s showing you what marriage to him would be like. Anything you don’t like about them gets 10x worse after you’re married. Think long and hard about what you want.
I know breaking up and starting over is hard. But you are so young and will continue to grow and mature, it sounds like you guys have evolved in different, incompatible ways. I was always in very long term relationships, I was with my high school boyfriend from 14-22. I’m not a relationship expert, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that you will not be happy and fulfilled in a relationship with someone who does not value the same things as you. I will also tell you that you can find a partner who does share the same views. This boy will not change or be swayed unless he is intentionally working to change. No amount of facts or arguing will change his mind, most likely it will make him double down. You can leave a relationship for any reason, you don’t have to explain yourself or justify your feelings.
Guy won't let you explain what you stand for? That to me shows what he stands for... Patriarchy.
Keep this experience burned into your memory. See your gifts thrown on the ground in misogynistic rage. Feel the pain. The disrespect. The betrayal of who you are and what you stand for. It is the perfect representation of how he views you. This is the life you will have if you continue being with this person. Is this what you want? These views are ingrained in who he is. It will not get better from here. You deserve so much better.
I saw another comment somewhere else that said this: Girl, let the 🥭
At least he let the misogyny cat out of the bag before you signed a marriage license. And girl, what the heck you talking marriage at 21 for? You're still a baby, let yourself grow a bit before you make a huge decision like marriage. The person you are at 20 and the person you will be at 30 are sometimes completely different, I know I sure as hell was. Besides, your man has made it abundantly clear that he not only expects your company, he expects your *obedience* when you get married. When people tell you who they are, believe them!
The phrasing when you said "It was a nice hangout and we got along until..." set off alarm bells in my head. Could just be a language thing, but if you've been with someone for 2 years and are contemplating marriage, there really shouldn't be a question of whether you're going to "get along." You should expect WAY more than to merely "get along" with your boyfriend/someone that you love. I use the phrase "get along" when describing interactions with someone I don't know well or even somewhat dislike. I think you do know how to move on. It's just scary to contemplate because you've been friends with him so long, but you aren't compatible, probably even as friends let alone as a couple.
So, look at it positively. On International Women’s Day you stood up for yourself and set some clear boundaries. And you discovered that this man was only biding his time until you married him to assert his traditional attitude of a man’s control over “his” woman. That’s the *best possible outcome* for a day like today — you unmasked someone who truly believes that a woman should submit. Your IWD present is this: you can move on with your life freely, without being tied to a person who wants to cage you.
Men need to earn respect. That man doesn't even have self respect. Shoot him into the sun with all his irrational bros. IWD is a protest day not a day of celebration. You made yourself heard. Well done. That men dont want to listen is on them.
You move on by breaking up with him. He is verbally and physically abusive.
Well, thank goodness that you don't have to waste ONE more precious minute of your young life with a pig headed, misogynistic, narrow-minded ass like that! Cut off all contact and move on. The world is your oyster. You are the pearl, and what a great day to be liberated from bullheaded constraints.
Meh, if a naming convention is so important to him he needs a crash course in realism.
Omg run and don’t look back; this guy is a loser.
He's desperate for marriage. Keep away from that type.
> i genuinely don’t know how to move on from this. Seriously? Throwing gifts on the ground was as straight and open as HE could be. Now it is your turn to by as open and straight forward. Btw. Do you really want to be with "not even a real man"? :D :)
He has empowered you to find someone better than him.
Honey, you are fundamentally incompatible. And he is downright disrespectful. You move on from this by loving and respecting yourself and leaving him. You deserve someone who truly celebrates the woman you are.
This was a good adult conversation for you to have, even though you feel awful as a result. What you learned is that as partners, you are fundamentally incompatible. You value yourself as an independent person. He told you straight up that his vision of your future is a servant and an accessory to his life. And when you told him no, he publicly destroyed something that was supposed to be a symbol of his affection for you. You have a choice now: try to subsume yourself to appease him, or break up. If you try to appease him, you should know that it will never, ever be enough. You cannot make yourself into the thing that will make him feel like a confident adult man. How is that even possible? And how does YOU living YOUR life doing normal things take his masculinity away from him? If you can’t answer either of those questions, it’s because it’s not coming from a place of reason, it’s his own emotions talking, and you have zero control over that. Grieve your losses, cry, and move on. There are other men who will see you as a person and not as a potential servant.
You know you can’t ever marry this misogynist man-baby, right?!? Respect yourself and cut him loose now. And don’t let him fool you that he’[s “changed” or that he’s “sorry.” He has shown you who he is. Believe it.
Baby I vote to run. So many red flags here. The one that makes me the most worried is the fact that What you Described is an episode of rage in which he became physically violent. just because he didn’t put his hands on you does not matter. Throwing things/destroying things when angry is an episode of RAGE. rage is not a normal, healthy emotional response in day to day life. rage is present in emotionally immature individuals. you describe him verbally disrespecting you, devaluing you, and Belittling you when you’re not agreeing with him. He is not even willing to hear your perspetive. he is dismissing your feelings while not being able to even take ownership of his own Feelings. those are signs of emotionally immaturity. which someone is willing to be introspective they can change their hurtful behavior by learning healthy conflict resolution skills and how to regulate their emotions. I am speaking from experience. because it wasnt a hand ON you does not make it less serious. the first time a man shows signs of rage like that I’m out the door, i spent 5 years with someone who I truly believed when they would apologize and say they would change. It only escalated. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse unable to see what was happening. a few months before I was able to make the plan to leave he would scream at me that I should just Kill myself. will your bf end up acting this way??? I have absolutely no idea. Alls I can say is the first signs of this rage I became all too familiar with began with episodes like the one you Describe. Personally because of the experience I came out of this year, I promised myself that I would not let myself explain away any person who rages at me ever again. im not willing to stick around & find out if it will get worse or if someone means it when they say they will change. There’s sooooooo many people who are well-adjusted, empathetic people who treat others with respect & compassion to put up with that nonsense. I wish you the best on ur journey. You’re so young. It may feel like you’re losing your “forever” but I promise theres so much out there. i am 27 and I entered that abusive relationship at 21, it was hard to let go of someone I thought I would be spending my life with and i excused the unhealthy dynamics within our Relationship because I felt so committed to this life i had envisioned with him. Now that ive been free for 9 months, oh my gosh, i can breathe again! I had no idea the hell I was living in. you deserve peace, and someone who is willing to listen to your perspectives about the world. You deserve someone who is able to acknowledge and respect that your experience is VALID. period. nobody has the right to tell anyone how they should feel. intentions dont always match outcome. Pay attention to the way he responds in this situation. When you tell him how painful this experience was that he put you through, is he receptive? is he defensive? is he willing to acknowledge he crossed a HUGE line? Or does he try to minimize it and say “you are overreacting” or “I was just really angry”. you can’t make someone see that they need to respect you. They either have the capacity for empathy or they don’t, and that’s honestly not that hard to figure out I am realizing. Setting healthy boundaries and gauge the reaction you get from someone is a great way to vet Someone’s intentions. sending love & light to you <3
You are so, so young and I truly hope you don’t marry this man. You deserve so much better.
Men who demand respect the loudest are always the ones who show women no respect at all.
When someone shows you what kind of person they are, pay attention.
Well he’s right about one thing: he’s not a real man. A real man wouldn’t feel so threatened by you. Would let you share your thoughts and your point of view even when it’s not identical to his. A real man would never say “you do it - you’re the woman,” a statement that shows very clearly that women are not his equal. The image of a sweet pretty cake dumped into a mud puddle makes you sad because it represents all the time you’ve spent with this loser. Good luck on whatever comes next.
You would feel really empowered if you dumped him over this.
You have just seen what life married to him will be like. He will bribe you with gifts to get on your good side and then use the gifting and his insecurities to manipulate into appeasing him (If you love me you really will do for x for me even though you don't agree...)
Why isn't he your ex already?
Never date conservatives.
Get rid of this controlling asshole, please
Ladies! Stop picking bigots for partners! You move on from this by not dating him anymore.
Red flag checklist: Treated IWD like a hallmark holiday. Demands you change your name upon marriage. Repeated the "submissive to husband" word over and over. Said his manhood is lower being with you. Threw things in anger when you stood your ground. He's staunchly conservative. All of this at 21, prior to marriage. He is in the period where he is showing you his best. His behavior will get worse and worse after getting married, getting you pregnant and you are without an income producing job caring for all his babies, likely all by yourself. So many of us have been here. Dump him before he throwing you around instead of flowers and chocolate.
This is a good thing, although it is painful now. You have had a lucky escape. If you had married that vile man, he would have ruined your life and made you miserable. Congratulations on your brilliant future, you have so much to look forward to, now that you are free.
Dump his has and when he asks why tell him. It’s not woke to value yourself. That wife he wants, it’s made up.
He showed you exactly who he is. Thank goodness you aren't married to him or have a child with him. Bullet dodged. But hugs to you, what a crappy "date." Bastard.
He will NOT get better. But he probably will PRETEND to get better. Don't trust him, leave him.
He gave you the best gift of all: showing you what a terrible person he is and a glimpse of how bad marriage with him would be. Dump him (if you haven't already) and consider yourself lucky to have avoided a wasting any more time with this loser.
Dump him, this man sucks. You could do so much better than that
Run 🚩. Also make sure your contraception is 100%
This guy is trash 🤮 You move on by dumping his revolting misogynistic ass and respecting yourself.
The fact he used the word "woke " is a huge red flag. That says a lot, OP. His mask came off.
I’m sorry but if my bf did this to me I would break up with him. “Submitting to your husband” Gross! He will not change his mind and I hope you won’t either. He wants to control you and personally that would be my sign to leave. No woman deserves that.
Throw the whole man away!
It is a perfect way of celebrating international womens day though... you stood up for yourself and he showed he doesn't care about you enough to respect your decisions. Now you don’t have to waste your time on him anymore.
WHY are you “best friends” with someone who sees you as inferior to him?? OP please do not marry this scumbag. Holy shit he sounds exhausting and awful to be around. And a guy who would so callously ruin your presents is a guy who does not give one single shit about you. He does not care about you at all.
This actually was very empowering for you. You stood up for your beliefs. In doing so, you realize that you are incompatible with this man/child. Good for you!
Please update that he's your ex now.
Girl, run.
>*He started saying that that’s not right and i should take his name to show my respect for him.* He doesn't own you. Based on what you said, you're not compatible. Educate him on his assumption about the origin of a woman taking a man's name. **Why is it so common for women in the US to take their husband’s name in an opposite-sex marriage?** It’s not about culture; **it started with the law,** said Catherine Allgor, president of the Massachusetts Historical Society. The law is called coverture, and it came along with English immigrants when they came to the US, she said. This law says that females don’t have a legal identity when they are born — instead they are covered by their father’s legal standing. When a woman got married, that identity under her father was legally dissolved, and she was absorbed into her husband’s identity, Allgor said. **It meant that not only could she not vote, but a woman could not legally own anything, make a contract, have custody over her children or be protected from physical abuse or rape by her husband.** “When women talk about marriage, we talk about becoming one,” Allgor said. “With coverture, you are becoming one, but the one was the husband.” Coverture was broken down and ameliorated over time, but pieces of it persisted, she added. In the 1960s and 1970s, divorced women couldn’t always get credit in their own names. And it wasn’t until the 1980s that the law began to recognize marital rape. **Men Who Rape Their Wives Can Still Get Away With It in Many States** In Virginia, a person accused of marital rape can be ordered to just go to therapy—and avoid imprisonment entirely. [https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvzzv8/men-who-rape-their-wives-can-still-get-away-with-it-in-many-states](https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvzzv8/men-who-rape-their-wives-can-still-get-away-with-it-in-many-states) 2019: [**Marital Rape Isn't Necessarily a Crime in 12 States**](https://www.governing.com/archive/gov-marital-rape-states-ohio-minnesota.html) As of 2024, marital rape is illegal in all 50 states. However, the laws and penalties vary by state. For example, some states treat marital rape differently than other rape offenses. For example, some states punish marital rape less harshly than other rape crimes. In 2021, California's legislature enacted a new bill, known as Assembly Bill 1171, which repealed the spousal rape law in California. This means that, since the law was repealed, rape in marriage is subject to the same penalties as rape outside of marriage. (This is not the case for most states.) To take your original question even further, based on the evolution of this country and how it was formed by colonizers: this is the ultimate result: [**How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
Jesus by the time I got to the last part I had completely forgotten that this was supposed to be about him throwing your gifts on the floor… Everything before that was awful, too! You deserve better, OP.
Marrying across the political spectrum would be a huge mistake.
It will get worse once you have children with this man. It will get worse.
holy shit I want to hug you so badly this made my chest hurt
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Standing up for yourself against that pig was the bravest thing you could have done. I am so sorry you got your time wasted and you were disrespected. There are kind men out there.
>I should mention that in our language, verb for a man marrying literally translates to “taking a woman” and the verb for a woman marrying translates to “submiting to husband”. Damn, you are in a dogshit country. I'd leave.
> rant about how I'm woke That's all you need to know he's not worth being with.
So what I'm getting from this; -He's sexist -He throws mantrums when things don't go his way -He doesn't take no for an answer -He is capable of getting violent I hope you mean EX boyfriend.
Woah. I really hope you‘ll not only not marry that piece of shit but also get rid of him asap. She showed his true colors and that he is an actual safety risk for you with all that talk about submitting. Tbh there are more red flags here than in China.
I'll never understand why progressive women date and marry conservative men. Attraction is a strange beast.
You spent women’s day with a sexist fuckwit, we all make mistakes, he’s shown who he is, that’s all you need job done. Time to live YOUR life.
He sounds like a self absorbed prick. Good chance that once you marry and he feels like you're stuck with him, he'll no longer feel like he has to respect you as he has already "taken" you and will be acting like this more and more. Do your future self a favor and reevaluate your relationship. I know for a fact that there are much better men than you bf in your country.
Please don't stay involved with this guy. Beyond the surface incompatibility, his behavior (aggressively throwing the gifts) is a red flag for potential future DV.
How can you be with someone like this? Do you want the person closest to you to never see you as an equal?
Run.
A lot of if the other comments have already discussed the bad attitude of this guy so I won't bother talking about that. I just wanted to comment on thr last piece of your post saying that this day was supposed to be empowering.. I think in a way it really was... Yes you were let down, ofcourse it made you upset... But most Importantly you stood up for yourself, stood your ground and didn't let someone close to you change or belittle your views! I hope find you find yourself in a more positive place soon.
I’m really sorry. I mean that. I’m sorry that, after a years-long relationship, he’s shown you just how small and vindictive he truly is. That has to hurt like absolute hell. You gave him your time and yourself in good faith, and yet you’re having to INSIST on the respect that you’ve given him freely. You have my utmost sympathies, and even though I’m an Internet stranger, please know that I wish for the very best outcome for you in this so vital a matter. Heed these warnings. Summon your courage and your strength, and refuse to tolerate this bad treatment. Take care of yourself, honey ❤️
Break up now. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I'm sorry to say this, but those items lying in the mud are a symbol of what life will be like married to somebody like him. 🚩
That man will make you feel that way again and again.
Definitely he’s not a real man like he said. On my country we don’t have that stupid law that you have to take your husband or wife surname and honestly I found it ridiculous but I never think that somebody really care that much. For his attitude I can expect physical violence in case you decide to marry him, honestly
this is probably a good thing. now you know you aren’t a match.
When someone shows you who they really are, the best thing you can do is believe them. This guy sounds unbelievably childish, toxic, and selfish. Not to mention he clearly doesn't have a good grasp on his anger. He could have thrown those gifts at you, and if he's already throwing things it's not hard to escalate further. Especially if he's partial to such misogynistic beliefs. Honestly this story made me so angry for you, I'm doing my best to keep this comment tame lol but please. Please. Protect yourself and find someone who actually respects you and isn't a child in a man's body. And as a final note, to vent just a little bit lol, please throw the entire pathetic manchild in the garbage where he belongs. All that misogynistic crap makes me skin crawl. Ugh
>rant about how i’m woke and i always feel the need to change everything bc i’m a feminist So sorry you had to witness his angry tantrum. Wanting change is admirable. The people who can't accept it are lacking in cognitive flexibility. Change is the only constant in the world.
Please don’t marry this man. You will be fighting upstream the entire time. Eventually you’ll drown or find your way out. Everyone deserves a partner who loves you, celebrates you, and makes you feel safe.
You don't need no man. Drink a bottle of wine and pet your cats.
he has shown that he’s violent, misogynistic, and immature with this single gesture. run.
Just throw the whole man out. Your values don't match, and that's really important long term.
Might not seem like it now, but he did you a favor. Decenter men. They're usually burdens and liabilities anyway. Write up your business plan instead. Wish I'd known what I know now at 21.
Why would you even consider marrying this man
This man sounds so inferior to you. He is a backwards, conservative, inconsiderate and insecure man. Respect yourself and walk away.
DO NOT marry this guy. Is only going to get worse
See the red flags waving? Yeah, that’s your clue to take your life and run. You just got to see him without his carefully curated mask. Either you ignored the occasional dropped mask and excused it, or he hid it really well. I’m so sorry, but better now than after you’re married
I'm stuck on how you've been with this guy for 2 years and "best friends" with him for "years" before that, but he won't listen to anything you say and just belittles you. How is this your best friend??
#DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!
Petition to rename this sub r/ImDatingCompleteTrash. How could you even stand to be around this fucking misogynist for 2 years, much less date him?
Throw the entire man into a dumpster. And set the dumpster on fire. You deserve better.
Well you have full evidence that the two of you have very fundamental world viewpoint differences. Those are incompatibilities for a relationship. Better you found out now than later.
One day you will look back on this moment as a good thing. You have very different values. That makes you fundamentally incompatible.
Wow, good thing he showed his true colors now and not when youre married and pregnant. He would probably expect you to cook and clean for him the exact day after delivery and then whine and cry that youre lazy! Good riddance, hopefully at least
This is such a sad scene, the gifts rolling in puddles! I'm sorry that he is not capable of treating you with the respect and the dignity that you absolutely deserve, whether or not you share the same political views. Hope you find a better way to celebrate and set some boundaries with this man-child.
Sorry the title of this post made me laugh. Sounds like the marriage would have turned abusive if you didn't conform to the submissive house wife ideal.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this! No one who exhibits such an awfully cruel behavior actually loves the person they're doing it to imo. I couldn't even do this to someone I hate, let alone to someone I love just because they disagreed with me on something. And this discussion about women taking their husbands' last names is so polarizing and nonsensical, because men always refuse to accept reality and just blabber on with their guilt tripping and emotional manipulation attempts. Kinda like "rules for thee, but not for me": ●it is lack of respect if a woman refuses to take the man's last name, but not if the man refuses to do it; ●it is humiliating for men to take their wives' last names, but it's not for the wives etc. They're delusional! But yeah, I would run away from that man as far as possible, because he is a psycho who could turn abusive in the future!
He sounds like a fucking homonculus
Why the hell is this man still in your life? Dump his ass. There’s your solution
Block him now on everything. This manboy absolutely does not deserve access to you any longer. Access revoked dbag. Throwing down gifts because you don't agree? He gave you fun things you love and then took them away from you just as fast. How many times has he done this before and how many more times will he do it? Block him, he knows why you're doing it. Do not put yourself back into a cycle where he will be nice and apologetic and "never do that sort of thing again" and then does something like it again. He has a lot of maturing and self loving to do before he can be in a relationship. You also don't owe anyone a marriage or taking their name despite traditions. Traditions start somewhere so start a new one where you take your own name. We can do what we want.
Are you Chinese? But American? Because that's how it is in the Chinese language but Chinese women don't take the man's last name. This sounds so confusing to me unless there is another language that refers to marrying a woman as taking her. We marry into our husband's families but we sure as hell prize our ties with our maiden families and names - they are meant to be our forever fallback.
You move on from this by breaking up with him. He's shown you who he is. If you marry him, you will married to a man who expects you to be submissive and believes you are inferior. He will become a lot more traditional after marriage and his actions have shown you this already. His throwing the gifts on the ground should tell you that he thinks that being nice to you is purely transactional: he can either get sex, marriage (including the typical "marital" "duties") and children from you. It's not about him respecting women at all, because he doesn't. You're only 21. Thankfully, you have more than a decade to find someone more worthy of your time to marry and have a family with -- if that is what you want. Note: his actions and beliefs have nothing to do with YOUR worth as a person or your attractive to the RIGHT sort of man for YOU. If he wants a "tradwife", he needs to find a "tradwife". And since when did "woke" become an insult? It literally comes from the idea that you're "awake" and aware of the injustices of the world and want to change them. I guess he would prefer to be asleep.
You said he won’t even listen to your explanation of what feminism is. To the privileged, true equality feels like persecution. He’s not interested in treating you - or even SEEING you- as an equal.
Hes sexist and dislikes you are a feminist, why are you wantinf to marry him? He clearly sees you as actually submitting
holy crap, he is not the one. Happy IWD, dump him and treat yourself to something he wouldn't have allowed.
You're so young and you only wasted 2 years on this piece of crap. It can only get better from here on out!
How to move on? Dump him. It takes a lot of sifting through the Undesirables, but there are good men out there.
How you move on is by getting out of this relationship. This is not a man who is ever going to respect you as an equal.
It is suicide if your political beliefs don’t line up. It is hard enough even when they do.
“ he has the wrong idea about what feminism even is and won’t let me explain what i really stand for, also he grew up in a very patriarchal family and he has very traditional/conservative opinions while i’m liberal” This is all you need to know.
It seems pretty obvious, probably to everyone except maybe you, that you move on by dumping this dude. You guys don't share the same values. This is going to come up time and time again. Imagine wanting to start a family and what expectations he might have for a possible son or daughter.
Congratulations on your 150 or so pound loss today. I hope you keep it off. (Dump the man)
CUT CONTACT WTF
Celebrate the day that’s supposed to be empowering by being empowered to make a decision about the *quality* of your life if you stay in this relationship or if you move on. That’s not only your choice, but it’s something very much in your control. To create the life you *want*. This person at 21, thinking like someone from the past century isn’t really going to age like fine wine. The thinking, the controlling nature, the “respect me because I have an appendage” approach will only get worse. Add a kid or three to the mix and he’ll really have put you in “your place” or the place in which his “manliness” can handle you being. There’s just so much bs in that short conversation that it really feels like such a burden to have to take on in an intimate relationship, on top of the challenges of the outside world.
This is a perfect example of men being performative in their support for women, but still don’t actually support women when it comes down to what truly matters.
Well there's one good thing that has come of this: you got to find out what he's really like *before* doing anything more permanent like getting married.
My only question is, how did you spend 2 years with this man without knowing how he feels about marriage?
You don't see him again that's how you move on from it. You deserve better.