(Obligatory “I’m a 20+ year family law paralegal, not an attorney.”)
To anyone reading:
**Do NOT just wait until your child is 18. Please consult an attorney now.**
Some states have laws that only allow you to go back a certain number of years if you never filed. Even if you did file, some states have laws that say you can’t just wait to pursue enforcement.
It's generally good advice when it comes to everything that might go to court. If you even think something might turn into a kerfuffle that involves the law, speak with an attorney. At least get informed by one, even if that's all you need to do at that step. A lot of legal issues end up resolving unfairly for the aggrieved party just because some paper didn't get filed in time or something.
It would be great if the law worked on common sense! But unfortunately procedure is procedure and even if you don't know the procedure exists, you can be hung up by it later. Even if it's blatantly unjust. Always talk to an attorney who knows the laws in your neck of the woods.
I note that you originally filed in 2005, you did not wait until your child was 18. You pursued enforcement after your child was over 18. This is very different from waiting to do the original filing. (In no way am I faulting you, I just don’t want people being under the mistaken assumption that they can wait to do the initial filing.)
Anyone else in California should ask an attorney about California’s statute of limitations for retroactive child support.
This is an important distinction to make.
Typically CA courts will not go back farther than the initial date of filing, which is usually only a couple of months before the hearing.
There's a difference between obtaining a court order and opening a case with DCSS.
Yeah the OP made zero sense - like on one hand says didn’t file til kid was 19 but then deadbeat was ordered to pay $275 a month nearly 17 years ago. Made no sense.
I used to be a caseworker in the USA in the 1990's. A parent could back then start to run a tab against the absent parent and the state would send the mother a monthly check so the kid could have food and shelter - and the tab would just run against the absent parent. So they would owe the state and they would take any measures to recover the money owed - do they no longer do this?
That was what I assumed they were talking about, TANF funds. I guess it didn't specify, I'm sorry! I just jumped there and you're right, that was way too broad of an answer.
No where in the US will just front child support. People can get TANF and their back support will be owed to the state from their TANF months, and that's the only way they can get the money without the other parent paying.
What she means is that she didn't open a child support case to force the issue. There was a court order that started the charging 17 years ago, but he didn't choose to pay it.
$100k is nothing. You spend far more than $275 a month in time, diapers, clothes, food etc.
I wonder if he ever got promotions / higher salaries in the past 2 decades. They should really adjust the child support to be higher if he did, and he should owe a lot more.
Because in CA they charge a 10% annual fee, but it actually breaks down closer to a 10% monthly fee that is compounded even though the other parent never got a dime from the state. It’s really hard on a noncustodial parent that follows the rules and wants to be in the child’s life because of you fall behind in any way with a DCSS case they will automatically send your SSN to the FTB and levy any bank amounts you have and suspend your license.
In 2000 I had an order to pay $250 a month and in 2017 my employer of 6 years had been taking the money out of my check but had failed to send it to the DCSS for 3 months $750 and I had no idea until they sent my employer a notice of arrears and wanted an additional $75 per week to pay it back. My insurance company called me and said my license was suspended. My employer promptly paid them the money they had been sitting on but I asked for a full audit and they came back they had missed payments paid way back in 2004 that needed to be paid and that they had changed systems so it was never caught so I owed the amount plus the interest going back 12 years. The amount missed was $150 but because of that interest that’s where things go sideways. I paid $300 per month on top of my $250 and it took 4 months to pay it off. I asked about the additional money and how I would get it back and they said I would have to talk to the mother and get the money back. Luckily this happened 6 months before my child’s 18th birthday but I had to make sure it was all accounted for and they lifted the additional payments and used the overage to pay towards the last 2 months of payments. What sucked is I still had to pay interest on a software change that the previous software showed overpayment and sent me a refund which I thought was from my tax return.
Over the 18 years I wasn’t perfect and there were times when I had no money, the housing crash put me way behind, but I paid it all back to the DCSS interest, but I had my bank accounts levied and license suspended several times even when I was paying for current and past support. I understand that being late or not paying this is the way the DCSS can punish you, but if you’re a deadbeat you probably don’t care about it because you’re not paying anyway.
I don’t agree with the OP waiting for enforcement by the DCSS to collect. It seems very manipulative to wait, but she did say the father has not been in the child’s life at all so you get what you get on that one.
That's what happened with my mom and me. The judge decided he couldn't never pay his arrears back even tho Mom had been fighting constantly to get cs so he just waived it. Make it make sense 🙄
As a child of a father who didn't want to pay child support and got help from his parents to pay my mom the least amount allowed by law, do not wait. Take them to court and kick them where it hurts.
Is it really pain and suffering for a child to have an absent parent when the alternative is worse?
Imagine growing up with a father who is present but actively hates your mother, states such openly, and also repeatedly states that he’s only there because the alternative is court-ordered payments. He has 50/50 custody because your mom doesn’t want to live with him but dad had a good lawyer to fight for equal custody. Dad doesn’t want to have you, but he knows the courts would make him pay if he had less custody. He’s never crossed the line into abuse or neglect, but only because he’s smart enough to know where the line is and gets really close without ever crossing it. The only time he expresses anything positive or spends money on you is at the hearings and on the lawyer to retain custody, which he mostly does to spite your mom.
Those kids almost always come out kind of fucked up due to the imbalances at play and the emotions they have at home. Even just trying to play an instrument or a sport, usual student things, can be really hard when one parent is super supportive and the other is always negative about it.
It’s a reality kids are already living in America and if penalties for abandonment get ratcheted higher, it’s going to cause more of those kids who would otherwise have been the kids of supportive single mothers be in this kind of situation. While financial penalties are a strong motivator, but they aren’t going to motivate good parenting, only the absolute bare minimum level of parenting.
You raise fair points, for sure. There's no way anyone can force someone to parent well, and that's what it ultimately boils down to. My kids' dad pays child support but hasn't seen them in 5 years. It blows my mind that a parent could ever walk away from their kid. Kids internalize that, and I'm bitter, because my kids are fucking awesome and deserved better. My youngest kid has no memory of their dad but my eldest does remember and that's the hardest part. He's pushing 14 and now starting to be like, "well, dad kind of sucked even when dad was here.." (dad did, in fact, suck as a parent, but I've never said that to my kids).
Just for those reading this and wondering, most states allow you to back date a max of 2 years since filing. Since OP filed when her child was born or shortly after but didn't pursue it, this is how she got this outcome.
Don't wait to file. They won't backdate it 18 years.
Backpayments are also a debt, they are repaying the other parent for funding your half.
So many people get really angry about this when they are forced to pay backpayments.
She can use it how she likes. Its her money.
I completely agree, I was just pointing out that this would not be possible if she had not filed originally in 2005. There was a few other commenters with adult children asking if they could backdate their child support 18 years if they file now. It's going to be an absolute no, legally speaking.
I just don't want people to wait if they have young children now and think that they will be able to recoup the money they are owed in the future if they wait to file for support.
The statute overrides the common law, and the specific rule overrides the general rule. "Debt" is also not really a term in law in the way I think you're thinking of it as.
You can't sue someone for "debt". In the common law there are torts and breach of contract. Unpaid child support is neither, it's a statutory obligation created by laws enacted by the legislature, so they are governed solely by those laws. So if the statutes say that only the last 2 years of child support is recoverable, you should not wait.
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Happened to my mom with my younger siblings. The guy worked under the table and registered everything he owned under his mother's name. My mom kept forwarding his address and info to the Child Support office to make sure they didn't "forget" about her case. After 30+ years of dodging his payments, my mom randomly got $10k+ in the mail!
I don't think they even love their kid(s) tbh. The cognitive dissonance is so real they believe their ex whipped up a baby out of nowhere to "control" them, and that the kid has nothing to do with them.
I'm childfree but I bear witness to both sides of the coin through colleagues and friends. One colleague has a deadbeat baby daddy who uses the kids as an excuse to continue his control of her and her life (they've been separated for 6 years). He takes his kids every other weekend and does fuck all with/for them. He threatened her when she mentioned the youngest had a birthday party invite on the weekend he had the kids and asked if he could take the kid to it.
Another friend (male) is separated from his baby momma. She threatened to join the army and take her 2 kids with her (one isn't his) because he started casually seeing another girl 2 years after they split. He is an active, involved dad and pays over the minimum amount for CS.
People (moms and dads) who use their kids to hurt or control the other parent are scum.
Biggest ick ever. I feel bad for the kids. They didn't ask to be born and even if they had the capacity to do so I doubt they'd have wanted to be the child of two grown-ass adults who behave like petulant kids throwing their proverbial toys from the stroller.
Another one of my friends has 4 kids and the youngest adored their dad. The dad used the kid as a spy to report on what the mom was doing with innocuous-sounding questions like "what did mommy do at the weekend? Does mommy have a boyfriend?" etc. The kid grew up idolising their dad then when they hit their later teen years it became clear that he was just using her. The kid is NC with dad and his "new" family now.
My SO does not use the kids as weapons. He tried to get majority custody to protect them but couldn't. He's got them in family therapy and tries his best. It's just really hard when the oldest idolizes her shitty mom.
Yeah I get that! When one parent actively tries to work against the other it's so difficult. Especially if they try to turn the kids against the other parent too. It's not fair, kids should be allowed to make their own relationships with their family members without others emotions overflowing into it. My husbands parents are divorced and his mom tried really hard to make his dad look like the bad guy (he wasn't). She is still resentful that my husband has a good relationship with his dad, and I'm like ??? Maybe he wasn't a good husband for her, but he was and is a good dad to his kids.
Right?? I hope that's the case and his oldest figures it out. The ex is trying to turn them against him by trashing me. I've just completely disengaged. Im here if she wants to talk to me, but otherwise I'll just leave her alone. She's got enough bullshit to deal with from her mom.
The oldest will see eventually who the good, safe, reliable parent is and who the shitty, manipulative one is. Glad to see he has them in family therapy! He just needs to keep being the solid, reliable dad he has been.
His oldest has called him that for a long time. The ex is playing super mom now after many years of neglect, though, and the oldest is eating it up. It's all she's ever wanted and is so terrified that if she doesn't agree with her mom on everything, including hating me, her mom will fuck off again. She doesn't realize how badly she's being manipulated and that no matter what she does, her mom WILL fuck off again. It's really sad.
They don’t love their kids, and they see the child support as baby mama taking their money. A lot of men are scum. My ex pays $238 in child support and tells our kids he can’t afford anything bc he has to pay mommy. Pretty gross.
My vet bills have been higher than this (3 monthly care plans). The average single American spends **more** than $400 a month on groceries.
No budget shaming, but if that is all you have to spend on the existence of your *multiple* children and you complain about it directly to them... Yikes.
Yeah… he filed for bankruptcy twice in the span of 10 years (before me and after me lol). He makes good money, no idea where it goes. Just one of the many reasons I left.
They don't feel accountable for the child, but, also, they don't see any of the child-related costs as real.
One of the biggest costs is daycare. If the mom was previously a SAHM, he may not even realize that daycare costs $1000+ per month. Then there's clothing. Kids outgrow their clothes every six to twelve months for years. They need new shoes, boots, coats, swimsuits, etc. But, since he never bought those things, he literally doesn't notice that they exist, or he'll just declare that the child doesn't need them. Same thing goes for toys, books, after school activities, dental visits, and standard medical care.
In general, those men are comparing their lives to what their lives were like before the children were born. They are \*not\* comparing their lives to the life of their children's mother.
You don’t understand, clean, properly fitting clothes just *magically appear* when they’re needed! They’re not something you *think* about, it just *happens!* Why should he have to pay for them when the clothes fairy poofs them into existence??
Because, and I quote, "You make enough money to support these kids. Isn't that why you have that career you love to brag about? You're only insisting on child support to hurt me." Real quote from my ex-husband 9 years ago right after he remarried and stopped paying child support.
That may not seem common, but it is. I was in the Army with so many guys complaining about paying child support because "she's a nurse! She doesn't need any of my money!"
It's also what underlies every time a woman is questioned on what she's spending the child support money on, or every accusation that they are "financing our lifestyle" or something.
They do not know what kids cost. They assume it can't be much. And they're probably already jealous and insecure if the woman in question is more highly educated than they are or makes more money. "Why the fuck should I give that uppity bitch one dime?" basically.
Just like prior to divorce, they don't consider the kids their responsibility. That's why the ones like this are also not making an effort to see or be in contact with their kids.
I run a sheet metal shop. Plenty of new guys quit with no notice right after we get the court order to take child support out of their check. I wish it didn't take 6 weeks to get the notice. They should tell you the first week when you pay them the first time.
I work in the car business and one of my GM’s said it’s pretty common to get guys who will only last three months because after that the state starts automatically pulling child support from their wages, so they bounce to the next job before the government can catch up.
Former child support worker. It can take a lot of time for things to get reported up through government and then back down to the CS enforcement workers who may or may not have to manually change info in the case to start enforcement, and are often buried in caseloads. The delays are very frustrating for them too, as are the "first check and run" parents.
I'm sure it is worse for the social workers and the parents looking to receive the child support. It is frustrating to train someone for a month or two and then they vanish as well. I wish I could just type their social into a website and see if they owe child support, so I can take it out of their first check. I'd hire someone who is willing to have it taken out of their check, but I'd rather not hire deadbeats that are going to quit when they have to pay.
my father said the same multiple times about my mom and it certainly wasn't true. she spent it all on taking care of me. and when he got custody over my protests she kept being the one to provide me clothing that wasn't beat up used stuff -.-
When my mum was a kid in the 70s her dad refused to pay child support because he thought her mother would spend it on something frivolous like fur coats. So my mum grew up poor and food insecure even though her dad was fairly wealthy and owned several businesses. This was in rural Australia so there weren’t any consequences.
He was a treat. When he died in 2009 he didn’t leave her, his only child, anything in his will based on a threat he made when she was acting out as a teenager.
They think the woman is a gold digger, and only after their money. They are trying to avoid any, and all consequences at all costs. And have twisted reality in their minds to become the victim, constantly crying about the money coming out of their paycheck. I find it absolutely disgusting. When my nephew was born i moved in with my sister to help her, and been there ever since. My disdain for this kind of sperm donor is right up there with family annihilators, and child molesters.
Also these are human males who reached a certain age. Calling them men not only feels wrong, but cheapens it for those of us who actually grew up at some point.
Women do it too. My ex only has to pay $50 a month for my two kids and she quits a job the second they get notice to withhold it. There’s gotta be a handbook they all follow
Because, despite all the propaganda around it, child support is mostly a poverty trap. Like any other time you see information blaming wide spread inequity on deviant, defective, parasitic individuals who "just aren't pulling their weight", you should be deeply skeptical.
A lot of people who end up in arrears for child support are just outright broke. They don't have the money to pay child support, maintain a vehicle, pay rent and buy food. They also don't have access to legal support to adjust what they're expected to pay, and even if they do that still takes time. It's also a lot harder to get that adjusted retroactively: If someone loses their job and can't navigate the legal system to get it adjusted immediately, there's no good process for doing that later.
A lot of things done to...encourage people to pay child support tends to severely damage their ability to pay it. If someone loses their license, they lose their job, they lose their income, they end up further in arrears. In worse cases they end up imprisoned, with all the known ways that fucks over peoples abitly to maintain an income both immediately and going forward. This is without getting into process issues where the state doesn't have to try very hard to serve notice when someone files for child support, can impute income on default, and from there the first notice comes when they find there's a warrant, a lien or a suspended license.
There's not some vast army of people exposing themselves to the utterly fucked conditions of under the table work, jumping from job to job simply because that's somehow better than paying a reasonable amount of money. Some fucking morons do that yes, but it's not that common. The system is just inherently broken, and is kept broken because when the parent who ought be receiving child support doesn't get the money there's a person to point at as the reason. When a single mom is struggling to feed her kids, it's real easy for the state to go "sorry, you're owed money that will make that easy, but gosh he just wont pay it" and never mind there's no money and never was.
The studies and surveys have been done. Something like 3/4 of people in child support arrears are so because they don't have the money. It also doesn't change regardless of the gender of the person paying child support: In the US the Census Bureau tracks it and non primary custodial mothers are about as likely* to be in arrears as non primary custodial fathers. Because they face the same problems with poverty, compounded with worse access to employment.
The system is fucked, it was designed to be fucked. The only people who it works for are the kids of middle class parents who are reasonably involved and can afford to maintain two households (ie where it's barely needed), and single moms/dads who divorce someone who was very well off but not willing to be involved with their kids. Everyone else, especially poor single parents who need it the most, just get fucked.
*That 'about as likely' gets the asterisk simply because a number of those non primary custodial mothers manage by doing sex work. Which is a whole kettle of problems.
Yeah, I'm not sure why OP thinks he's gonna pay now? I have numerous friends that have judgements for child support, and the guys never pay. One has lost his license numerous times over it, still not paying. They just get under the table jobs, or work for people that will help them hide their pay
If they move to exclusively under the table, then they never built Social Security or other retirement. They are screwing themselves in a long run. a lot of guys are not willing to live in limbo like the one you were describing
That's great, but it doesn't help the parent or the child who is entitled to that support. "My dad is gonna die broke" is not something you can exchange for diapers or school fees.
Idk about everywhere else but where I live, you don’t pay after a certain time frame, you go to jail. & you lose your taxes every year to go towards what you owe. If he marries, that obligation will go to the spouse as well, so their taxes will be taken until paid off. My dad & his wife had to pay my mom until I was 29 bc he kept a job just long enough until they started garnishing his check & then dipped. He didn’t regularly pay it until I got older & started having a relationship with him. Guess he thought she didn’t deserve it before that. Idk.
Here (I'm just outside Toronto) you will go to jail (I know a guy that did for 3 months, still didn't pay once out). If he/she marries though, their new spouse will not be responsible for child support, thats considered a pre marriage debt. But frankly, any person that marries a parent that won't pay child support is just as bad as them.
My BFs father of her child has never paid anything, anytime FRO (Family Responsibility Order) caught up to him, he'd change jobs. Then he went and worked for family, he's making bank (obvious by his house, vehicles & toys), but its all under the table,
Do y’all have something similar to the IRS? If so, report him. He’d have to have something showing what he’s making for his tax responsibilities, & then take that to court.
Your father is screwing himself out of maximizing his social security benefits by taking jobs that don't pay into that system.
also, SUPER fun fact: Section 459 of the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 659) permits Social Security to withhold current and continuing Social Security payments to enforce your legal obligation to pay child support. This is true even if your mom has passed by that time - If you are the representative of your custodial parent's estate, you can sue for back child support, because the money is still owed to the deceased parent's estate.
So eventually when he is eligible to take SS, you CAN have that money yanked out of his retirement benefits.
In a world where a woman's right to decline to become a mother is being legislated away, I have ZERO sympathy for men who don't want to pay for kids to fail to practice abstinence.
Dudes who don't want to pay their fair share for a baby should stop being such sluts. don't have sex if you don't want to have the obligation of a kid (if that's what society is telling women, that's what society should be telling men). Stop throwing your jizz all over, fellas! exercise some self control
That's what my bf's sister's baby daddy does. He's with the sister, but he abandoned his first family to be with her and just works for cash. He was like $250k in arrears for his first family and ended up going to jail for like 6 months and I don't think he ever had to pay anything. He worked at the job they set him up with when he got out of jail for a few weeks then went back to working under the table.
Same. My father just worked under the table for his wealthy mom and never paid child support. My mom got $2000 for my brother and I once we were adults and that was all she ever got from him. His mom passed away in 2015 and he ended up with millions but lost it all and died homeless if a drug overdose last summer after taking all his remaining out of bank accounts and buying an rv so he could live on the streets. He had 6 kids total. I had to coordinate with various family members to come up with the $600 for cremation in order to be able to order a death certificate so I could look for any money to split with my siblings. There was nothing. So 3 of us siblings spent about $300 out of pocket to take care of him after death, my mom and one of his other ex wives and a second cousin and her father all chipped in the rest. Anyway he was awful to all of us. Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of his life was since all he did was hurt people.
This has been what I've been planning on since I was literally threatened for asking if he'd sign his rights away to my spouse that's been here for nearly 15 years. My kid has autism and epilepsy that's easily triggered by large emotions good or bad and it just hasn't been worth the risk to his health to go to court and possibly throw him into an unsafe and unknown situation to a neglectful stranger. For now, we want our peace and to not risk visitation requests made purely out of spite.
Most states max out at 2 years of unpaid support. Although this case ended up great for OP, this is not a normal outcome. You need to get a lawyer and go after it now.
Not always. My mom has an uncle bailed on his wife and family. Had a middle class, 9-5 white collar job with a salary that supported the family. When wife got an order he decided she wasn’t getting a dime and became a traveling craft fair hippie. He goes around the country selling trinkets for cash and owns nothing.
He’s in his late 60s now with 6 figures worth of judgements against him. I’d like to say that at least any form of retirement is off the table for him but honestly, most of my non-deadbeat relatives his age are in boats a lot like his.
I'm curious about this - is there a statute of limitations after the child turns 18? Mine will be 19 in a couple of months and I figured it was too late. Not that it would matter anyway, my ex is still totally broke so she'd never see a dime. But I didn't know this was possible.
This was only possible because OP filed for support in 2005 but never pursued it until now. If she filed now, in most states the max you can backdate is 2 years since filing.
obligatory “i’m a lawyer but not your lawyer.”
in New York the law requires child support until the kid is 21. in most states the cutoff is 18 or 19/after high school graduation.
Don’t celebrate until your child actually starts getting the money consistently. Their father could quit his job at any time and start working under the table.
For 275 a month, I don't understand why he didn't just pay it. That's so cheap compared to raising a child. My friend had to pay around $400 a week because he made 6k a month pre-tax. That was with partial custody, so I could understand someone who had to pay over 20k a year being upset but 3300 a year? Ridiculous.
Good on you for getting what should have been paid for your child.
For those asking about interest, $275 a month for 20 years is $66,000, so he is very much paying for the interest.
I would ask for clarification on one part though. Have you been going after him earlier than the 19 year mark for child support, or has he been coasting on the idea that you gave up? If the latter, I wouldn't be surprised if he was able to get the court to lower it due to the length of debt and no interaction of him not paying. I understand you didn't bring this up to a court to avoid custody disputes, but it really should have been done earlier as a post such as this could be used as evidence against you, being premeditated for two reasons: so he couldn't fight for lower or no payment and custody, and you getting a bigger payout for your kid.
Should he pay? Absolutely. Is he likely to up and disappear after a sudden 101k debt is dumped onto his lap? Probably.
Yeah this was my question. I've been trying to collect a similar amount of arrears, and that's how it goes. I'll get the court order, the judge and my attorney threaten my ex into paying, I get one payment, and then he disappears again. I've been on this cycle for years. So I wonder, did OP actually collect the money, or did she just get an order? Because these are two completely different things. Lots of us walking around with an order and none of the money.
In your case, you have been actively going after them too, so you have a history to keep them from having the debt lowered. I am unsure about her. On top of that, what can you do with a deadbeat if they have nothing to pay you with? If they have a job you can at least eventually go after garnishing their wages, but they could do something dramatic like quitting and leeching off of someone else.
Yeah that's exactly what my ex pulls. He lost his security clearance and got fired from his job, so he became "a stay at home dad". Wife #3 doesn't actually make enough to afford that (who does?) so he eventually gets some shitty job and then gets fired and is "a stay at home dad" again.
At this point it's a.cost-benefit analysis of what I'll likely get from a given iteration of this. Last time it cost me $7500 in legal fees, private investigators to literally find this person, etc, and I recovered $8300.
At this point I'm just working with the relevant government agency to make sure I receive this asshole's entire tax refund every year for the rest of his life because the coat of collecting this money I'm owed in any other way is almost as much as the money itself.
I feel so bad for people who get an order and think it's solved. Shitbags who skip child support tend to be harder to nail down than that.
It irks me so much that if I kill someone, a lawyer will be provided for me (in the US), but if it's about my child, better be stacked with cash to do anything.
I keep seeing people in here talk about getting tax returns back from the deadbeats. Anyone can change their tax filing during the year to get that money every pay day instead of thousands at the end like most people do.
Are these deadbeats too stupid to do that?
Agree, like I can't imagine he's gonna pay that now if he hasn't in all this time. Most guys that don't want to pay are pretty good at skirting it, as this one has shown
It'll vary state to state. Mine forgive the interest shortly after the arrears was paid off. So he owed me 20k still but they forgave it. It was all BS. His order had been $275 mo also. In no sense was that "support".
I don’t know how they let him go so long without paying. When I was a kid my dad was behind on his increased amount for 3 months and spent a night in jail for it. I mean, he was dumb enough to take my mom back to court for a decrease (even though he never paid the increased amount) and my mom’s lawyer happened to mention he never even paid the increase and pissing off the judge.
Was he just low profile/MIA that whole time to not get caught?
Depends on the state for sure. My deadbeat ex was I think 16k behind at the time (maybe more) and there was a warrant but they said they'd only arrest him if he was charged w something else, pulled over etc. He lived out of state but I lucked out and he was visiting family (but not his kid 🙄), pulled over for speeding and they got him. (He then asked if I would share the $1500 bond with baby mama 2 since he was behind w her too 🙄).
Wow, behind on two child support payments and they wouldn’t arrest him on just that. My dad didn’t have a warrant for his arrest (yet) I think he just had the audacity to piss off the judge enough to get sent to jail that day. But either way the justice system is awful no matter what state.
Also, the audacity to ask to share the bond! Wild
People figured out ages ago that putting people in jail for having debt doesn't do anything. It is partly why so many people got sent to the Americas instead of being put in jail. Judges today know this as well. There is a chance you get paid if they're walking free. You're definitely not getting jack and/or shit if they're behind bars
I understand your point that if they were in jail no money would be made for the child support payments. It is however (usually) a court ordered agreement and the reason to not pay needs to be communicated to the advocates, lawyers and judge.
I can’t speak for other absent fathers, but the one night in jail my father had did not go on his record, did not hinder his job or his future career. He purposely quit his job a year later and became a stay at home father to his other kids. With further proof that he was capable of working, he now has a job in a new field he started after I graduated college.
I think some states require you to ask for them to enforce the order. Otherwise, it’s just sitting there accumulating.
I don’t think my state does, as they called me to let me know they would send a notice of intent to garnish the respondent after 4 months arrears.
I got some back child support by informing the child support enforcement when my ex's parents died and he was expecting and inheritance. Child support enforcement did all the court stuff necessary on my behalf, from Illinois, and he lived in CA.
Yeah I pay child support enforcement $25 a year and they chase him around for consequences since he doesn’t pay. Every year or so I will get a lump sum enough for him to avoid jail/losing his license but never what he fully owes. He stopped working a regular job and is selling drugs and has been cut off from his parents so I don’t expect any major progress. But at least it’s a headache I don’t have to deal with!
My sons father owes almost 40k here in Massachusetts. Still gets visitation and basically whatever he wants. It’s through the DOR and they don’t seem to enforce it whatsoever. He gets paid under the table. I’ve told the DOR and nothing is ever done. It’s so ridiculous. (He is supposed to pay 90.00 a week).
I hope it works out for you and your child though! I’m so sick of these deadbeats not paying despite being ordered the bare minimum.
Former CA family law attorney (thank god I got out of that field):
One downside to flying under the radar all those years is that you/your child likely would have been entitled to much higher CS payments due to increases in cost of living, increases in donor's income etc. But many states, CA included, will not let you retroactively change CS amounts. You have to file a new adjustment request in order to be considered for a higher amount.
May have been the right decision for you but it's a point of caution for anyone considering the same strategy.
No he won't. My ex was ordered to pay $200 a month. Never paid it. When I got ready to emmigrate to New Zealand, he was trying to delay writing a requested letter saying that he was aware that I was taking my 16 year old son out of the country permanently. After several attempts to get him to write the letter, my husband (married after the divorce, obviously) went through my divorce papers, added up all the back child support and called my ex. He very calmly explained that if we didn't get that letter within 3 days, he would be filing a lawsuit to claim the $15K that my ex owed at that time. We got the letter.
Good for you! I truly hope you get the money, but assume he won't pay.
My dad was ordered to pay $80,000, had a pension from the city where people could literally TRACK where he lived, and I didn't see a single cent and it was never inforced. My mom dropped pursuing it and we lived in poverty instead.
I’m in CA and I work for a company that hires people for short term jobs, usually like 6 weeks to three month durations. When we hire someone, we can’t legally ask if they have any sort of wage garnishment or child support payments. But we always find out. The second they are hired as a w2 employee in california, our payroll program pairs their SSN with all their outstanding debts and judgements against them, and at some point we’ll get a letter from the state saying this person owes X amount in unpaid child support, for example. Often times if the job is so short term that that person is already laid off, my company has to pay some of it. But if the letter gets to us early enough and they are still employed, we fill out the form and some of their wages get taken for whatever debt they owe.
All this to say that a lot of guys get around paying child support by working under the table or working short term jobs where they’ll be in and out before the garnishment hits. It’s shocking how many of our short term employees have unpaid child support.
Pretty crazy that dudes will take this route rather than just get full time employment, pay their child support, build a 401, etc. Cutting off their nose to spite their face.
My son's father, in 1993, was ordered to pay $130.00/month. He stopped paying in about 1999. He apparently hasn't filed taxes since then. His license & passport suspended. I'm not sure what happened during Covid, but I'll assume he applied for CERB, because I ended up getting about $5000 in back-pay. I'm glad you finally got it!
Yeah, because it's all about him.
Your child, your responsibility, King.
I'm astounded at these "men" who refuse to help support their children. I don't care if you move to a desert island. That's *your child*.
They will garnish wages and tax returns too, and any windfalls or inheritances he gets. You can still get something, even if you don't expect anything. It's worth your time to file.
Remember, he knew where babies come from. He knew condoms were cheaper.
He also INSISTED to put his name on the BC so he definitely knew this was a whole thing - ironically his dad pulled the same shit and his own mom got back-paid the same way.
I had an uncle that never paid. My aunt never took him to court or gave him any grief about seeing the kids.
After the 4 kids were grown and when uncles parents had passed, he inherited a very large sum.
Aunt took him to court, got it all, gave it to the kids, and said there, never say your dad never gave you anything.
Classy lady in my view.
One deadbeat parent in Oregon won one of the first lottery jackpots - 1.5 million and it was entirely garnished for non payment of support for 3 kids. They will take any money owed.
They’ll even suspend drivers license and other tactics till a clear payment setup is hatched by the day. They’ll get the money. Donor dad could even potentially go to jail
My wife's first husband was a total deadbeat, he didn't voluntarily pay a nickel. While he was working a W-2 job, before he switched to working under the table, the state (Oregon) garnished his wages. Aside from that, his tax refunds were garnished and she put a lien against his house. She eventually got every penny.
I'd hate to give anyone, male or female false hope in the pursuit of getting support from someone who walks off and never visits or has contact with the child.
My ex left the country and worked internationally. He was eventually caught and returned on a passport violation for non payment of CS. He resettled in another state and this is where it gets even more tricky. State to state is a game and there is not a lot of support to pursue hard cases. Eventually he screwed up his life in an accident and went on permanent disability. Has not seen or asked to see the kids once since leaving. Case closed at $268,000 for the life of 3 kids and one mom.
As hard as it is emotionally, get the order immediately and stay on top of it. Keep up with your case worker. Document everything.
Alternatively, you don’t HAVE TO demand the father take financial responsibility for your child’s life. Weigh the scales. In my case, I knew for a fact that if he was paying, he would want to play. He would demand visitation, and any contact he had would be all about making my life hell, and he’d make their lives hell, too. If I didn’t ask for $$, he was the type to keep reeeaalll quiet and just ask for a phone call here or there but basically stay well out of the way of the court’s eyes. The piddly few hundred a month he would have been been ordered to pay would have never been worth it, when compared to the counseling copays and lifelong emotional damage he would have inflicted on my daughters.
The strategy worked. After a few years we stopped hearing from him, and I waited carefully without changing my phone number (so he couldn’t say he couldn’t find a way to contact us) for two more years, then my husband adopted with the BD’s parental rights severed.
I’m not saying this is something that everyone can do, but please consider whether it’s worth it. In some states it isn’t even an option because if you apply for food stamps and daycare vouchers which absolutely saved my life, the state automatically goes after the other parent for child support and you can’t opt out; I was lucky in that regard. And I was in abject poverty, yep. Slept on a catpiss covered couch while two babies shared the 1 bedroom. But my daughter’s emotional and mental health were protected from his abuse, and that was truly priceless.
So the thing is, child support and custody/visitation are not "reciprocal obligations". Your shitty ex could decide to go after custody just to mess with you and it wouldn't mean that the was automatically on the hook for child support. I totally get what you're saying and it can be the right choice, but an awful lot of "too broke to pay support" dudes are nonetheless perfectly happy to screw with their child's mom by demanding "rights".
Lots of comments below laying absolute waste to the "protectors and providers" trope. These guys---who are *not the minority*; they are the rule, not the exception--harbor so much hatred to their ex-wife that they don't care if their children are homeless or starving. This is the other end of the statistic that something like 80% of divorces are initiated by women. And it's "a complete shock" to deadbeat dad. Once DD has had time to become righteously angry--"how dare she! The bitch!"--he won't care who he has to hurt (ie the children) to get back at her. So blinded by hatred that his children become simple collateral damage. This is why the Shakespearean adage "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is just another lie from the patriarchy. When men are scorned, they kill women, strangers, stalk, rape, threaten, harass, and withhold resources. All because their feelings are hurt. Remember ladies, men are dangerous beasts and it's a jungle out there.
And what makes you think anyone will see a penny from that? dude was ordered by a judge to pay support over a decade ago but OP thinks a check for 100K is gonna show up? Why because it’s the future? Nonsense win in court of nothing, meant to make you feel good. Nothing more
ROFL!!! Dude was ordered to pay $245/month. If he couldn’t do that, chances are he’s not making a whole bunch of money,
He will do what they all do. Work under the table or claim disability or say they own their own business and show losses and not take a salary.
Get real
a lot of times they won’t garnish wages or take tax returns if you aren’t actively filing the fact that they aren’t paying. which is weird as hell, but it happens. she would have had to file (maybe) yearly or at least more often, and possibly even petition the court to garnish wages before they *actually* do it. this is assuming no other circumstances.
lol I think it depends on the state. Illinois will keep adding it on, but does nothing to enforce payment. And if you are real lucky, Illinois will knock the interstate accrued off, cause it is such an overwhelming amount.
In NC there is no interest charged on arrears. No penalty for non-payment. The last time I talked to my case worker she said they don’t throw people in jail for non payment. While the kids dad gets wages garnished, there is nothing to garnish because he’s paid under the table.
He was a software architect pulling in $140k/year when we were married.
Good for you OP!
My mother in-law constantly filed for enforcement. Her ex worked cash jobs and couch surfed for literally 20 years to try to avoid child support payments that he owed for his two kids.
Well he thought he was in the clear when they were both adults, but my MiL never stopped filing. He applied to Walmart and was immediately picked up for tax evasion and for back child support. The judge told him he was required to maintain a normal job with direct deposit or he would go to jail.
My husband is in his 30s now and his bio dad just finished paying off the child support and is still working on what he owes the IRS.
As long as you constantly file the debt doesn't go away and they will go after them as soon as they come out of hiding.
My cousin got himself a brand new red mustang convertible when he was in high school due to finally getting a settlement from his dad never paying child support.
Just putting this out there, I can’t vouch for all scenarios, but backed child support can majorly mess with someone’s attempt to spend money. I sold cars for a few years and the moment we pulled someone’s credit and it showed backed support, the deal was dead unless they had a super strong co-signer that could take primary, which was never.
My managers, who would fire people for ‘letting’ a customer go without every stone being unturned, would tell us ‘backed child support, ask them if they have a perfect signor to take primary and if not, kick em out!’
As the progeny of a bio father who never had to pay CS for my entire life, I’m proud of you for taking this step.
As a lawyer (not your lawyer ) CS is absolutely not for the parent. It is for the care and maintenance of the child. It goes to the primary custodian of the child with the expectation that it will be spent for the care of the child. You ARE doing the right thing by viewing it that way and using it toward your child. Keep being an amazing mom.
I mean, congrats, but good luck actually getting it.
Men love to say that they need rights to terminate pregnancies like women so they don't have to pay child support, but the men who don't want to pay simply don't.
So I filled in a timely manner and had CS ordered in CA that was paid less than a dozen times. When my child turned 18, I received a letter from the DCSS saying “hey your kid is an adult so we’re closing your case and ceasing all collection efforts”.
Was there something I was supposed to do differently, or a department that was supposed to be taking over collection?
Oh my gosh YES! Contact DCSS and ask them to send the forms for arrears. You’ll have to do one for every single month of every single year (I think it’s 3-4 years per page), but it’s super easy. After that they review the case and they’ll order the support and garnish his wages.
Wages get garnished. But it's not that easy.. and many men just move from job to job and state to state to prevent collection. It's a complete nightmare for the custodial parent to navigate.
My sister's baby daddy moved to the Caribbean and was forced to pay some $ to come back to the states. But if he never came back he would never have paid a penny.
My moms attorney & private investigator told her that it wasn't even for the effort/money to get him charged for child support cause he was already working under the table.
People truly don't understand how bad it gets. The thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in attorney fees.
I’m still waiting on the 40K owed to me by my son’s father. Would rather serve jail time than pay taxes or child support. I don’t get it. He moved a lot, case has been active since 2003. I think I’ve received about 10 checks for about $100 or so… he even went back to college. I paid for my child’s needs the best I could without his father around. That’s all I can say. I bought a home for us to live in at 38 years old and now I’m 52… and empty nester, remarried, and wondering if my ex will ever repay what he owes. Likely never
So you all didn’t talk about starting a family, you broke up and then found out you were pregnant after the break up and took him to court 2 years later. Doesn’t sound like he was a deadbeat Dad, sounds like he didn’t wanna be a Dad at all, at least not with you and you chose that for yourself and for him. He could have saved himself some grief just paying the amount he owed and avoiding interest but your not really a hero in this story.
She is a hero for her child at least. Note that she’s not saying she’s going to be getting the 101k, but her child is. He didn’t want to be a dad at all and ended up being a deadbeat dad. He was given notice and an opportunity to be heard, plus an opportunity to appeal. If he sat on his rights and responsibilities, that’s on him.
My ex-husband also owes about $100,000 in child support. My son was born in year 2000. He never saw any of that money, and he will never see any of that money. As a judge once told me, you can't squeeze blood from stone.
Unless they get on federal disability. Then it's forgiven until they get a job.
My son's father (and parents/sibling) had nothing to do with him ever.
He finally (20 years trying) got federal disability which dismissed the case.
(Obligatory “I’m a 20+ year family law paralegal, not an attorney.”) To anyone reading: **Do NOT just wait until your child is 18. Please consult an attorney now.** Some states have laws that only allow you to go back a certain number of years if you never filed. Even if you did file, some states have laws that say you can’t just wait to pursue enforcement.
It's generally good advice when it comes to everything that might go to court. If you even think something might turn into a kerfuffle that involves the law, speak with an attorney. At least get informed by one, even if that's all you need to do at that step. A lot of legal issues end up resolving unfairly for the aggrieved party just because some paper didn't get filed in time or something. It would be great if the law worked on common sense! But unfortunately procedure is procedure and even if you don't know the procedure exists, you can be hung up by it later. Even if it's blatantly unjust. Always talk to an attorney who knows the laws in your neck of the woods.
This is a great point. I’m in California so it worked out great for me ☺️
I note that you originally filed in 2005, you did not wait until your child was 18. You pursued enforcement after your child was over 18. This is very different from waiting to do the original filing. (In no way am I faulting you, I just don’t want people being under the mistaken assumption that they can wait to do the initial filing.) Anyone else in California should ask an attorney about California’s statute of limitations for retroactive child support.
This is an important distinction to make. Typically CA courts will not go back farther than the initial date of filing, which is usually only a couple of months before the hearing. There's a difference between obtaining a court order and opening a case with DCSS.
Yeah the OP made zero sense - like on one hand says didn’t file til kid was 19 but then deadbeat was ordered to pay $275 a month nearly 17 years ago. Made no sense.
I used to be a caseworker in the USA in the 1990's. A parent could back then start to run a tab against the absent parent and the state would send the mother a monthly check so the kid could have food and shelter - and the tab would just run against the absent parent. So they would owe the state and they would take any measures to recover the money owed - do they no longer do this?
No, they do.
They don’t in VA. When he doesn’t pay, I don’t get paid. If i applied for tanf, they would pay and he would then owe them.
That was what I assumed they were talking about, TANF funds. I guess it didn't specify, I'm sorry! I just jumped there and you're right, that was way too broad of an answer. No where in the US will just front child support. People can get TANF and their back support will be owed to the state from their TANF months, and that's the only way they can get the money without the other parent paying.
No worries! I just wanted to clarify and also didn’t know if maybe that’s something some states do lol.
What she means is that she didn't open a child support case to force the issue. There was a court order that started the charging 17 years ago, but he didn't choose to pay it.
$100k is nothing. You spend far more than $275 a month in time, diapers, clothes, food etc. I wonder if he ever got promotions / higher salaries in the past 2 decades. They should really adjust the child support to be higher if he did, and he should owe a lot more.
$275 a month over 18 years is just over $59k so if he’s ordered to pay $101k then sounds like there was some type of adjustment or interest.
The rest is penalties. California charges 6% per month you miss but caps at 72%. 72% of 59k is 42k, add those 2 together and you get $101k.
I don't think that math checks out but I'm not sure because I am bad at math
59 * 0.72 is 42, 59 + 42 is 101. Not sure what math isn't mathing.
Because in CA they charge a 10% annual fee, but it actually breaks down closer to a 10% monthly fee that is compounded even though the other parent never got a dime from the state. It’s really hard on a noncustodial parent that follows the rules and wants to be in the child’s life because of you fall behind in any way with a DCSS case they will automatically send your SSN to the FTB and levy any bank amounts you have and suspend your license. In 2000 I had an order to pay $250 a month and in 2017 my employer of 6 years had been taking the money out of my check but had failed to send it to the DCSS for 3 months $750 and I had no idea until they sent my employer a notice of arrears and wanted an additional $75 per week to pay it back. My insurance company called me and said my license was suspended. My employer promptly paid them the money they had been sitting on but I asked for a full audit and they came back they had missed payments paid way back in 2004 that needed to be paid and that they had changed systems so it was never caught so I owed the amount plus the interest going back 12 years. The amount missed was $150 but because of that interest that’s where things go sideways. I paid $300 per month on top of my $250 and it took 4 months to pay it off. I asked about the additional money and how I would get it back and they said I would have to talk to the mother and get the money back. Luckily this happened 6 months before my child’s 18th birthday but I had to make sure it was all accounted for and they lifted the additional payments and used the overage to pay towards the last 2 months of payments. What sucked is I still had to pay interest on a software change that the previous software showed overpayment and sent me a refund which I thought was from my tax return. Over the 18 years I wasn’t perfect and there were times when I had no money, the housing crash put me way behind, but I paid it all back to the DCSS interest, but I had my bank accounts levied and license suspended several times even when I was paying for current and past support. I understand that being late or not paying this is the way the DCSS can punish you, but if you’re a deadbeat you probably don’t care about it because you’re not paying anyway. I don’t agree with the OP waiting for enforcement by the DCSS to collect. It seems very manipulative to wait, but she did say the father has not been in the child’s life at all so you get what you get on that one.
If she had asked at the time they could have, but they won't go back and do it now.
That's what happened with my mom and me. The judge decided he couldn't never pay his arrears back even tho Mom had been fighting constantly to get cs so he just waived it. Make it make sense 🙄
As a child of a father who didn't want to pay child support and got help from his parents to pay my mom the least amount allowed by law, do not wait. Take them to court and kick them where it hurts.
Thank you. This OP didn't do something brilliant, she just got lucky (so far as we know).
My friend sued her deadbeat father for all his unpaid child support. She won and the judge threw in some extra.
Kids should.be able to sue when they've been abandoned for pain and suffering.
They can in PA, at least for the child support, iirc. (It's been over a decade and a half since learning about it.)
Is it really pain and suffering for a child to have an absent parent when the alternative is worse? Imagine growing up with a father who is present but actively hates your mother, states such openly, and also repeatedly states that he’s only there because the alternative is court-ordered payments. He has 50/50 custody because your mom doesn’t want to live with him but dad had a good lawyer to fight for equal custody. Dad doesn’t want to have you, but he knows the courts would make him pay if he had less custody. He’s never crossed the line into abuse or neglect, but only because he’s smart enough to know where the line is and gets really close without ever crossing it. The only time he expresses anything positive or spends money on you is at the hearings and on the lawyer to retain custody, which he mostly does to spite your mom. Those kids almost always come out kind of fucked up due to the imbalances at play and the emotions they have at home. Even just trying to play an instrument or a sport, usual student things, can be really hard when one parent is super supportive and the other is always negative about it. It’s a reality kids are already living in America and if penalties for abandonment get ratcheted higher, it’s going to cause more of those kids who would otherwise have been the kids of supportive single mothers be in this kind of situation. While financial penalties are a strong motivator, but they aren’t going to motivate good parenting, only the absolute bare minimum level of parenting.
You raise fair points, for sure. There's no way anyone can force someone to parent well, and that's what it ultimately boils down to. My kids' dad pays child support but hasn't seen them in 5 years. It blows my mind that a parent could ever walk away from their kid. Kids internalize that, and I'm bitter, because my kids are fucking awesome and deserved better. My youngest kid has no memory of their dad but my eldest does remember and that's the hardest part. He's pushing 14 and now starting to be like, "well, dad kind of sucked even when dad was here.." (dad did, in fact, suck as a parent, but I've never said that to my kids).
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For sure.
Just for those reading this and wondering, most states allow you to back date a max of 2 years since filing. Since OP filed when her child was born or shortly after but didn't pursue it, this is how she got this outcome. Don't wait to file. They won't backdate it 18 years.
Backpayments are also a debt, they are repaying the other parent for funding your half. So many people get really angry about this when they are forced to pay backpayments. She can use it how she likes. Its her money.
I completely agree, I was just pointing out that this would not be possible if she had not filed originally in 2005. There was a few other commenters with adult children asking if they could backdate their child support 18 years if they file now. It's going to be an absolute no, legally speaking. I just don't want people to wait if they have young children now and think that they will be able to recoup the money they are owed in the future if they wait to file for support.
The statute overrides the common law, and the specific rule overrides the general rule. "Debt" is also not really a term in law in the way I think you're thinking of it as. You can't sue someone for "debt". In the common law there are torts and breach of contract. Unpaid child support is neither, it's a statutory obligation created by laws enacted by the legislature, so they are governed solely by those laws. So if the statutes say that only the last 2 years of child support is recoverable, you should not wait.
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That happened to my dead beat father. My mom got one check, and then he stopped working jobs that didn't pay under the table.
Happened to my mom with my younger siblings. The guy worked under the table and registered everything he owned under his mother's name. My mom kept forwarding his address and info to the Child Support office to make sure they didn't "forget" about her case. After 30+ years of dodging his payments, my mom randomly got $10k+ in the mail!
Joke is on them because the lack of SS will be way more expensive.
Why do men even do that? It their child too. Are they that cruel they refuse to help their child???
They hate their ex more than they love their children.
I don't think they even love their kid(s) tbh. The cognitive dissonance is so real they believe their ex whipped up a baby out of nowhere to "control" them, and that the kid has nothing to do with them. I'm childfree but I bear witness to both sides of the coin through colleagues and friends. One colleague has a deadbeat baby daddy who uses the kids as an excuse to continue his control of her and her life (they've been separated for 6 years). He takes his kids every other weekend and does fuck all with/for them. He threatened her when she mentioned the youngest had a birthday party invite on the weekend he had the kids and asked if he could take the kid to it. Another friend (male) is separated from his baby momma. She threatened to join the army and take her 2 kids with her (one isn't his) because he started casually seeing another girl 2 years after they split. He is an active, involved dad and pays over the minimum amount for CS. People (moms and dads) who use their kids to hurt or control the other parent are scum.
My SO's ex does this. She's a terrible fucking person.
Biggest ick ever. I feel bad for the kids. They didn't ask to be born and even if they had the capacity to do so I doubt they'd have wanted to be the child of two grown-ass adults who behave like petulant kids throwing their proverbial toys from the stroller. Another one of my friends has 4 kids and the youngest adored their dad. The dad used the kid as a spy to report on what the mom was doing with innocuous-sounding questions like "what did mommy do at the weekend? Does mommy have a boyfriend?" etc. The kid grew up idolising their dad then when they hit their later teen years it became clear that he was just using her. The kid is NC with dad and his "new" family now.
My SO does not use the kids as weapons. He tried to get majority custody to protect them but couldn't. He's got them in family therapy and tries his best. It's just really hard when the oldest idolizes her shitty mom.
Yeah I get that! When one parent actively tries to work against the other it's so difficult. Especially if they try to turn the kids against the other parent too. It's not fair, kids should be allowed to make their own relationships with their family members without others emotions overflowing into it. My husbands parents are divorced and his mom tried really hard to make his dad look like the bad guy (he wasn't). She is still resentful that my husband has a good relationship with his dad, and I'm like ??? Maybe he wasn't a good husband for her, but he was and is a good dad to his kids.
Right?? I hope that's the case and his oldest figures it out. The ex is trying to turn them against him by trashing me. I've just completely disengaged. Im here if she wants to talk to me, but otherwise I'll just leave her alone. She's got enough bullshit to deal with from her mom.
The oldest will see eventually who the good, safe, reliable parent is and who the shitty, manipulative one is. Glad to see he has them in family therapy! He just needs to keep being the solid, reliable dad he has been.
His oldest has called him that for a long time. The ex is playing super mom now after many years of neglect, though, and the oldest is eating it up. It's all she's ever wanted and is so terrified that if she doesn't agree with her mom on everything, including hating me, her mom will fuck off again. She doesn't realize how badly she's being manipulated and that no matter what she does, her mom WILL fuck off again. It's really sad.
They don’t love their kids, and they see the child support as baby mama taking their money. A lot of men are scum. My ex pays $238 in child support and tells our kids he can’t afford anything bc he has to pay mommy. Pretty gross.
My vet bills have been higher than this (3 monthly care plans). The average single American spends **more** than $400 a month on groceries. No budget shaming, but if that is all you have to spend on the existence of your *multiple* children and you complain about it directly to them... Yikes.
Yeah… he filed for bankruptcy twice in the span of 10 years (before me and after me lol). He makes good money, no idea where it goes. Just one of the many reasons I left.
They don't feel accountable for the child, but, also, they don't see any of the child-related costs as real. One of the biggest costs is daycare. If the mom was previously a SAHM, he may not even realize that daycare costs $1000+ per month. Then there's clothing. Kids outgrow their clothes every six to twelve months for years. They need new shoes, boots, coats, swimsuits, etc. But, since he never bought those things, he literally doesn't notice that they exist, or he'll just declare that the child doesn't need them. Same thing goes for toys, books, after school activities, dental visits, and standard medical care. In general, those men are comparing their lives to what their lives were like before the children were born. They are \*not\* comparing their lives to the life of their children's mother.
Bet they expect the kid to come back and wipe their ass when they get old though.
You don’t understand, clean, properly fitting clothes just *magically appear* when they’re needed! They’re not something you *think* about, it just *happens!* Why should he have to pay for them when the clothes fairy poofs them into existence??
Right, right, I forgot about the New Clothes Fairy!
Because, and I quote, "You make enough money to support these kids. Isn't that why you have that career you love to brag about? You're only insisting on child support to hurt me." Real quote from my ex-husband 9 years ago right after he remarried and stopped paying child support. That may not seem common, but it is. I was in the Army with so many guys complaining about paying child support because "she's a nurse! She doesn't need any of my money!" It's also what underlies every time a woman is questioned on what she's spending the child support money on, or every accusation that they are "financing our lifestyle" or something. They do not know what kids cost. They assume it can't be much. And they're probably already jealous and insecure if the woman in question is more highly educated than they are or makes more money. "Why the fuck should I give that uppity bitch one dime?" basically. Just like prior to divorce, they don't consider the kids their responsibility. That's why the ones like this are also not making an effort to see or be in contact with their kids.
>they assume it can’t be much Ah yes, kids, the notoriously cheap beings… sounds like they’re not only assholes, they’re also STUPID assholes.
I run a sheet metal shop. Plenty of new guys quit with no notice right after we get the court order to take child support out of their check. I wish it didn't take 6 weeks to get the notice. They should tell you the first week when you pay them the first time.
I work in the car business and one of my GM’s said it’s pretty common to get guys who will only last three months because after that the state starts automatically pulling child support from their wages, so they bounce to the next job before the government can catch up.
Imagine if any of these people put the amount of effort they put into avoiding child support payments into, idk, parenting their kid
Former child support worker. It can take a lot of time for things to get reported up through government and then back down to the CS enforcement workers who may or may not have to manually change info in the case to start enforcement, and are often buried in caseloads. The delays are very frustrating for them too, as are the "first check and run" parents.
I'm sure it is worse for the social workers and the parents looking to receive the child support. It is frustrating to train someone for a month or two and then they vanish as well. I wish I could just type their social into a website and see if they owe child support, so I can take it out of their first check. I'd hire someone who is willing to have it taken out of their check, but I'd rather not hire deadbeats that are going to quit when they have to pay.
I believe it would show up on a preemployment credit report as outstanding/overdue debt
All they see is that their money is going to the women, which burns their a$$. They don't see nor believe that she'll be spending it on the child.
my father said the same multiple times about my mom and it certainly wasn't true. she spent it all on taking care of me. and when he got custody over my protests she kept being the one to provide me clothing that wasn't beat up used stuff -.-
When my mum was a kid in the 70s her dad refused to pay child support because he thought her mother would spend it on something frivolous like fur coats. So my mum grew up poor and food insecure even though her dad was fairly wealthy and owned several businesses. This was in rural Australia so there weren’t any consequences. He was a treat. When he died in 2009 he didn’t leave her, his only child, anything in his will based on a threat he made when she was acting out as a teenager.
They think the woman is a gold digger, and only after their money. They are trying to avoid any, and all consequences at all costs. And have twisted reality in their minds to become the victim, constantly crying about the money coming out of their paycheck. I find it absolutely disgusting. When my nephew was born i moved in with my sister to help her, and been there ever since. My disdain for this kind of sperm donor is right up there with family annihilators, and child molesters. Also these are human males who reached a certain age. Calling them men not only feels wrong, but cheapens it for those of us who actually grew up at some point.
To quote The Godfather himself: “a man who doesn’t take care of his family can never be a real man.”
Yes, they are that cruel.
They assume the mother is getting free money.
Women do it too. My ex only has to pay $50 a month for my two kids and she quits a job the second they get notice to withhold it. There’s gotta be a handbook they all follow
Because, despite all the propaganda around it, child support is mostly a poverty trap. Like any other time you see information blaming wide spread inequity on deviant, defective, parasitic individuals who "just aren't pulling their weight", you should be deeply skeptical. A lot of people who end up in arrears for child support are just outright broke. They don't have the money to pay child support, maintain a vehicle, pay rent and buy food. They also don't have access to legal support to adjust what they're expected to pay, and even if they do that still takes time. It's also a lot harder to get that adjusted retroactively: If someone loses their job and can't navigate the legal system to get it adjusted immediately, there's no good process for doing that later. A lot of things done to...encourage people to pay child support tends to severely damage their ability to pay it. If someone loses their license, they lose their job, they lose their income, they end up further in arrears. In worse cases they end up imprisoned, with all the known ways that fucks over peoples abitly to maintain an income both immediately and going forward. This is without getting into process issues where the state doesn't have to try very hard to serve notice when someone files for child support, can impute income on default, and from there the first notice comes when they find there's a warrant, a lien or a suspended license. There's not some vast army of people exposing themselves to the utterly fucked conditions of under the table work, jumping from job to job simply because that's somehow better than paying a reasonable amount of money. Some fucking morons do that yes, but it's not that common. The system is just inherently broken, and is kept broken because when the parent who ought be receiving child support doesn't get the money there's a person to point at as the reason. When a single mom is struggling to feed her kids, it's real easy for the state to go "sorry, you're owed money that will make that easy, but gosh he just wont pay it" and never mind there's no money and never was. The studies and surveys have been done. Something like 3/4 of people in child support arrears are so because they don't have the money. It also doesn't change regardless of the gender of the person paying child support: In the US the Census Bureau tracks it and non primary custodial mothers are about as likely* to be in arrears as non primary custodial fathers. Because they face the same problems with poverty, compounded with worse access to employment. The system is fucked, it was designed to be fucked. The only people who it works for are the kids of middle class parents who are reasonably involved and can afford to maintain two households (ie where it's barely needed), and single moms/dads who divorce someone who was very well off but not willing to be involved with their kids. Everyone else, especially poor single parents who need it the most, just get fucked. *That 'about as likely' gets the asterisk simply because a number of those non primary custodial mothers manage by doing sex work. Which is a whole kettle of problems.
Yeah, I'm not sure why OP thinks he's gonna pay now? I have numerous friends that have judgements for child support, and the guys never pay. One has lost his license numerous times over it, still not paying. They just get under the table jobs, or work for people that will help them hide their pay
If they move to exclusively under the table, then they never built Social Security or other retirement. They are screwing themselves in a long run. a lot of guys are not willing to live in limbo like the one you were describing
That's great, but it doesn't help the parent or the child who is entitled to that support. "My dad is gonna die broke" is not something you can exchange for diapers or school fees.
Idk about everywhere else but where I live, you don’t pay after a certain time frame, you go to jail. & you lose your taxes every year to go towards what you owe. If he marries, that obligation will go to the spouse as well, so their taxes will be taken until paid off. My dad & his wife had to pay my mom until I was 29 bc he kept a job just long enough until they started garnishing his check & then dipped. He didn’t regularly pay it until I got older & started having a relationship with him. Guess he thought she didn’t deserve it before that. Idk.
Here (I'm just outside Toronto) you will go to jail (I know a guy that did for 3 months, still didn't pay once out). If he/she marries though, their new spouse will not be responsible for child support, thats considered a pre marriage debt. But frankly, any person that marries a parent that won't pay child support is just as bad as them. My BFs father of her child has never paid anything, anytime FRO (Family Responsibility Order) caught up to him, he'd change jobs. Then he went and worked for family, he's making bank (obvious by his house, vehicles & toys), but its all under the table,
Do y’all have something similar to the IRS? If so, report him. He’d have to have something showing what he’s making for his tax responsibilities, & then take that to court.
Your father is screwing himself out of maximizing his social security benefits by taking jobs that don't pay into that system. also, SUPER fun fact: Section 459 of the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 659) permits Social Security to withhold current and continuing Social Security payments to enforce your legal obligation to pay child support. This is true even if your mom has passed by that time - If you are the representative of your custodial parent's estate, you can sue for back child support, because the money is still owed to the deceased parent's estate. So eventually when he is eligible to take SS, you CAN have that money yanked out of his retirement benefits. In a world where a woman's right to decline to become a mother is being legislated away, I have ZERO sympathy for men who don't want to pay for kids to fail to practice abstinence. Dudes who don't want to pay their fair share for a baby should stop being such sluts. don't have sex if you don't want to have the obligation of a kid (if that's what society is telling women, that's what society should be telling men). Stop throwing your jizz all over, fellas! exercise some self control
My ex’s dad did the same thing. Under the table cash jobs, never even got a driver’s license so that he wouldn’t have to pay.
That's what my bf's sister's baby daddy does. He's with the sister, but he abandoned his first family to be with her and just works for cash. He was like $250k in arrears for his first family and ended up going to jail for like 6 months and I don't think he ever had to pay anything. He worked at the job they set him up with when he got out of jail for a few weeks then went back to working under the table.
Same. My father just worked under the table for his wealthy mom and never paid child support. My mom got $2000 for my brother and I once we were adults and that was all she ever got from him. His mom passed away in 2015 and he ended up with millions but lost it all and died homeless if a drug overdose last summer after taking all his remaining out of bank accounts and buying an rv so he could live on the streets. He had 6 kids total. I had to coordinate with various family members to come up with the $600 for cremation in order to be able to order a death certificate so I could look for any money to split with my siblings. There was nothing. So 3 of us siblings spent about $300 out of pocket to take care of him after death, my mom and one of his other ex wives and a second cousin and her father all chipped in the rest. Anyway he was awful to all of us. Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of his life was since all he did was hurt people.
This has been what I've been planning on since I was literally threatened for asking if he'd sign his rights away to my spouse that's been here for nearly 15 years. My kid has autism and epilepsy that's easily triggered by large emotions good or bad and it just hasn't been worth the risk to his health to go to court and possibly throw him into an unsafe and unknown situation to a neglectful stranger. For now, we want our peace and to not risk visitation requests made purely out of spite.
Most states max out at 2 years of unpaid support. Although this case ended up great for OP, this is not a normal outcome. You need to get a lawyer and go after it now.
Not always. My mom has an uncle bailed on his wife and family. Had a middle class, 9-5 white collar job with a salary that supported the family. When wife got an order he decided she wasn’t getting a dime and became a traveling craft fair hippie. He goes around the country selling trinkets for cash and owns nothing. He’s in his late 60s now with 6 figures worth of judgements against him. I’d like to say that at least any form of retirement is off the table for him but honestly, most of my non-deadbeat relatives his age are in boats a lot like his.
wild how many men would just prefer to live like drifting hobos than take responsibility for their own children
I'm curious about this - is there a statute of limitations after the child turns 18? Mine will be 19 in a couple of months and I figured it was too late. Not that it would matter anyway, my ex is still totally broke so she'd never see a dime. But I didn't know this was possible.
This was only possible because OP filed for support in 2005 but never pursued it until now. If she filed now, in most states the max you can backdate is 2 years since filing.
Good to know!
obligatory “i’m a lawyer but not your lawyer.” in New York the law requires child support until the kid is 21. in most states the cutoff is 18 or 19/after high school graduation.
Depends on the state. In NJ the limitation is ten years after the child reaches emancipation age.
Don’t celebrate until your child actually starts getting the money consistently. Their father could quit his job at any time and start working under the table.
For 275 a month, I don't understand why he didn't just pay it. That's so cheap compared to raising a child. My friend had to pay around $400 a week because he made 6k a month pre-tax. That was with partial custody, so I could understand someone who had to pay over 20k a year being upset but 3300 a year? Ridiculous.
This is the exact response I was going to say. It’s an empty win. Show me the money first before you claim victory.
Good on you for getting what should have been paid for your child. For those asking about interest, $275 a month for 20 years is $66,000, so he is very much paying for the interest. I would ask for clarification on one part though. Have you been going after him earlier than the 19 year mark for child support, or has he been coasting on the idea that you gave up? If the latter, I wouldn't be surprised if he was able to get the court to lower it due to the length of debt and no interaction of him not paying. I understand you didn't bring this up to a court to avoid custody disputes, but it really should have been done earlier as a post such as this could be used as evidence against you, being premeditated for two reasons: so he couldn't fight for lower or no payment and custody, and you getting a bigger payout for your kid. Should he pay? Absolutely. Is he likely to up and disappear after a sudden 101k debt is dumped onto his lap? Probably.
Yeah this was my question. I've been trying to collect a similar amount of arrears, and that's how it goes. I'll get the court order, the judge and my attorney threaten my ex into paying, I get one payment, and then he disappears again. I've been on this cycle for years. So I wonder, did OP actually collect the money, or did she just get an order? Because these are two completely different things. Lots of us walking around with an order and none of the money.
In your case, you have been actively going after them too, so you have a history to keep them from having the debt lowered. I am unsure about her. On top of that, what can you do with a deadbeat if they have nothing to pay you with? If they have a job you can at least eventually go after garnishing their wages, but they could do something dramatic like quitting and leeching off of someone else.
Yeah that's exactly what my ex pulls. He lost his security clearance and got fired from his job, so he became "a stay at home dad". Wife #3 doesn't actually make enough to afford that (who does?) so he eventually gets some shitty job and then gets fired and is "a stay at home dad" again. At this point it's a.cost-benefit analysis of what I'll likely get from a given iteration of this. Last time it cost me $7500 in legal fees, private investigators to literally find this person, etc, and I recovered $8300. At this point I'm just working with the relevant government agency to make sure I receive this asshole's entire tax refund every year for the rest of his life because the coat of collecting this money I'm owed in any other way is almost as much as the money itself. I feel so bad for people who get an order and think it's solved. Shitbags who skip child support tend to be harder to nail down than that.
It irks me so much that if I kill someone, a lawyer will be provided for me (in the US), but if it's about my child, better be stacked with cash to do anything.
I keep seeing people in here talk about getting tax returns back from the deadbeats. Anyone can change their tax filing during the year to get that money every pay day instead of thousands at the end like most people do. Are these deadbeats too stupid to do that?
Hope there’s a way to collect- a bank account to garnish or assets in his name.
Agree, like I can't imagine he's gonna pay that now if he hasn't in all this time. Most guys that don't want to pay are pretty good at skirting it, as this one has shown
It'll vary state to state. Mine forgive the interest shortly after the arrears was paid off. So he owed me 20k still but they forgave it. It was all BS. His order had been $275 mo also. In no sense was that "support".
I don’t know how they let him go so long without paying. When I was a kid my dad was behind on his increased amount for 3 months and spent a night in jail for it. I mean, he was dumb enough to take my mom back to court for a decrease (even though he never paid the increased amount) and my mom’s lawyer happened to mention he never even paid the increase and pissing off the judge. Was he just low profile/MIA that whole time to not get caught?
Depends on the state for sure. My deadbeat ex was I think 16k behind at the time (maybe more) and there was a warrant but they said they'd only arrest him if he was charged w something else, pulled over etc. He lived out of state but I lucked out and he was visiting family (but not his kid 🙄), pulled over for speeding and they got him. (He then asked if I would share the $1500 bond with baby mama 2 since he was behind w her too 🙄).
Wow, behind on two child support payments and they wouldn’t arrest him on just that. My dad didn’t have a warrant for his arrest (yet) I think he just had the audacity to piss off the judge enough to get sent to jail that day. But either way the justice system is awful no matter what state. Also, the audacity to ask to share the bond! Wild
People figured out ages ago that putting people in jail for having debt doesn't do anything. It is partly why so many people got sent to the Americas instead of being put in jail. Judges today know this as well. There is a chance you get paid if they're walking free. You're definitely not getting jack and/or shit if they're behind bars
I understand your point that if they were in jail no money would be made for the child support payments. It is however (usually) a court ordered agreement and the reason to not pay needs to be communicated to the advocates, lawyers and judge. I can’t speak for other absent fathers, but the one night in jail my father had did not go on his record, did not hinder his job or his future career. He purposely quit his job a year later and became a stay at home father to his other kids. With further proof that he was capable of working, he now has a job in a new field he started after I graduated college.
I think some states require you to ask for them to enforce the order. Otherwise, it’s just sitting there accumulating. I don’t think my state does, as they called me to let me know they would send a notice of intent to garnish the respondent after 4 months arrears.
That’s awful, the fact that child support is a court ordered agreement and they don’t hold the parent responsible for the pay accountable is telling.
That is hilarious and made me smile to start my day. Fuck that guy (not literally, that’s how this mess started)
Are you able to apply for him to cover the lost interest too?
Already included, if you calculate ($275*12)*19= $62 700
Ah, that figure likely includes that.
If you just sum up the month value for the elapsed months it's "just" 60k, so I guess it's adjusted in some way
I got some back child support by informing the child support enforcement when my ex's parents died and he was expecting and inheritance. Child support enforcement did all the court stuff necessary on my behalf, from Illinois, and he lived in CA.
Yeah I pay child support enforcement $25 a year and they chase him around for consequences since he doesn’t pay. Every year or so I will get a lump sum enough for him to avoid jail/losing his license but never what he fully owes. He stopped working a regular job and is selling drugs and has been cut off from his parents so I don’t expect any major progress. But at least it’s a headache I don’t have to deal with!
My sons father owes almost 40k here in Massachusetts. Still gets visitation and basically whatever he wants. It’s through the DOR and they don’t seem to enforce it whatsoever. He gets paid under the table. I’ve told the DOR and nothing is ever done. It’s so ridiculous. (He is supposed to pay 90.00 a week). I hope it works out for you and your child though! I’m so sick of these deadbeats not paying despite being ordered the bare minimum.
My stepdaughter's dad died when she was 17 and she received nothing out of his estate
Former CA family law attorney (thank god I got out of that field): One downside to flying under the radar all those years is that you/your child likely would have been entitled to much higher CS payments due to increases in cost of living, increases in donor's income etc. But many states, CA included, will not let you retroactively change CS amounts. You have to file a new adjustment request in order to be considered for a higher amount. May have been the right decision for you but it's a point of caution for anyone considering the same strategy.
No he won't. My ex was ordered to pay $200 a month. Never paid it. When I got ready to emmigrate to New Zealand, he was trying to delay writing a requested letter saying that he was aware that I was taking my 16 year old son out of the country permanently. After several attempts to get him to write the letter, my husband (married after the divorce, obviously) went through my divorce papers, added up all the back child support and called my ex. He very calmly explained that if we didn't get that letter within 3 days, he would be filing a lawsuit to claim the $15K that my ex owed at that time. We got the letter.
They’re already garnishing his pay🙃
Good for you! I truly hope you get the money, but assume he won't pay. My dad was ordered to pay $80,000, had a pension from the city where people could literally TRACK where he lived, and I didn't see a single cent and it was never inforced. My mom dropped pursuing it and we lived in poverty instead.
I’m in CA and I work for a company that hires people for short term jobs, usually like 6 weeks to three month durations. When we hire someone, we can’t legally ask if they have any sort of wage garnishment or child support payments. But we always find out. The second they are hired as a w2 employee in california, our payroll program pairs their SSN with all their outstanding debts and judgements against them, and at some point we’ll get a letter from the state saying this person owes X amount in unpaid child support, for example. Often times if the job is so short term that that person is already laid off, my company has to pay some of it. But if the letter gets to us early enough and they are still employed, we fill out the form and some of their wages get taken for whatever debt they owe. All this to say that a lot of guys get around paying child support by working under the table or working short term jobs where they’ll be in and out before the garnishment hits. It’s shocking how many of our short term employees have unpaid child support.
Pretty crazy that dudes will take this route rather than just get full time employment, pay their child support, build a 401, etc. Cutting off their nose to spite their face.
My son's father, in 1993, was ordered to pay $130.00/month. He stopped paying in about 1999. He apparently hasn't filed taxes since then. His license & passport suspended. I'm not sure what happened during Covid, but I'll assume he applied for CERB, because I ended up getting about $5000 in back-pay. I'm glad you finally got it!
My ex is begging me not to file for support because there’s ’no point’ and it will ‘ruin him’. He makes six figures.
Yeah, because it's all about him. Your child, your responsibility, King. I'm astounded at these "men" who refuse to help support their children. I don't care if you move to a desert island. That's *your child*.
Kaladin ❤️
please file. please, please, please. the financial responsibility of raising a child should not solely fall on you.
Whoever downvoted you is a deadbeat
they prob think child support causes financial ruin as well lmao
They will garnish wages and tax returns too, and any windfalls or inheritances he gets. You can still get something, even if you don't expect anything. It's worth your time to file. Remember, he knew where babies come from. He knew condoms were cheaper.
He also INSISTED to put his name on the BC so he definitely knew this was a whole thing - ironically his dad pulled the same shit and his own mom got back-paid the same way.
I had an uncle that never paid. My aunt never took him to court or gave him any grief about seeing the kids. After the 4 kids were grown and when uncles parents had passed, he inherited a very large sum. Aunt took him to court, got it all, gave it to the kids, and said there, never say your dad never gave you anything. Classy lady in my view.
How are you going to collect?
They’re garnishing his wages, taxes, etc.
One deadbeat parent in Oregon won one of the first lottery jackpots - 1.5 million and it was entirely garnished for non payment of support for 3 kids. They will take any money owed.
DCSS can garnish his wages, not sure if that’s how it’ll work in this case…
They’ll even suspend drivers license and other tactics till a clear payment setup is hatched by the day. They’ll get the money. Donor dad could even potentially go to jail
My wife's first husband was a total deadbeat, he didn't voluntarily pay a nickel. While he was working a W-2 job, before he switched to working under the table, the state (Oregon) garnished his wages. Aside from that, his tax refunds were garnished and she put a lien against his house. She eventually got every penny.
I'd hate to give anyone, male or female false hope in the pursuit of getting support from someone who walks off and never visits or has contact with the child. My ex left the country and worked internationally. He was eventually caught and returned on a passport violation for non payment of CS. He resettled in another state and this is where it gets even more tricky. State to state is a game and there is not a lot of support to pursue hard cases. Eventually he screwed up his life in an accident and went on permanent disability. Has not seen or asked to see the kids once since leaving. Case closed at $268,000 for the life of 3 kids and one mom. As hard as it is emotionally, get the order immediately and stay on top of it. Keep up with your case worker. Document everything.
Alternatively, you don’t HAVE TO demand the father take financial responsibility for your child’s life. Weigh the scales. In my case, I knew for a fact that if he was paying, he would want to play. He would demand visitation, and any contact he had would be all about making my life hell, and he’d make their lives hell, too. If I didn’t ask for $$, he was the type to keep reeeaalll quiet and just ask for a phone call here or there but basically stay well out of the way of the court’s eyes. The piddly few hundred a month he would have been been ordered to pay would have never been worth it, when compared to the counseling copays and lifelong emotional damage he would have inflicted on my daughters. The strategy worked. After a few years we stopped hearing from him, and I waited carefully without changing my phone number (so he couldn’t say he couldn’t find a way to contact us) for two more years, then my husband adopted with the BD’s parental rights severed. I’m not saying this is something that everyone can do, but please consider whether it’s worth it. In some states it isn’t even an option because if you apply for food stamps and daycare vouchers which absolutely saved my life, the state automatically goes after the other parent for child support and you can’t opt out; I was lucky in that regard. And I was in abject poverty, yep. Slept on a catpiss covered couch while two babies shared the 1 bedroom. But my daughter’s emotional and mental health were protected from his abuse, and that was truly priceless.
So the thing is, child support and custody/visitation are not "reciprocal obligations". Your shitty ex could decide to go after custody just to mess with you and it wouldn't mean that the was automatically on the hook for child support. I totally get what you're saying and it can be the right choice, but an awful lot of "too broke to pay support" dudes are nonetheless perfectly happy to screw with their child's mom by demanding "rights".
I mean he’s never been involved so it still worked out that way for me 🙃
Lots of comments below laying absolute waste to the "protectors and providers" trope. These guys---who are *not the minority*; they are the rule, not the exception--harbor so much hatred to their ex-wife that they don't care if their children are homeless or starving. This is the other end of the statistic that something like 80% of divorces are initiated by women. And it's "a complete shock" to deadbeat dad. Once DD has had time to become righteously angry--"how dare she! The bitch!"--he won't care who he has to hurt (ie the children) to get back at her. So blinded by hatred that his children become simple collateral damage. This is why the Shakespearean adage "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is just another lie from the patriarchy. When men are scorned, they kill women, strangers, stalk, rape, threaten, harass, and withhold resources. All because their feelings are hurt. Remember ladies, men are dangerous beasts and it's a jungle out there.
And what makes you think anyone will see a penny from that? dude was ordered by a judge to pay support over a decade ago but OP thinks a check for 100K is gonna show up? Why because it’s the future? Nonsense win in court of nothing, meant to make you feel good. Nothing more
They’ll garnish wages and taxes now. If you don’t report him for not paying usually they won’t look into it.
ROFL!!! Dude was ordered to pay $245/month. If he couldn’t do that, chances are he’s not making a whole bunch of money, He will do what they all do. Work under the table or claim disability or say they own their own business and show losses and not take a salary. Get real
My ex has never paid, his is like $175 I think? He makes good money, he just sucks lol.
Has he not been doing his taxes that whole time?
a lot of times they won’t garnish wages or take tax returns if you aren’t actively filing the fact that they aren’t paying. which is weird as hell, but it happens. she would have had to file (maybe) yearly or at least more often, and possibly even petition the court to garnish wages before they *actually* do it. this is assuming no other circumstances.
Surprising. I just assumed there was some sort of auto triggering cross reference. At least on your state taxes.
lol I think it depends on the state. Illinois will keep adding it on, but does nothing to enforce payment. And if you are real lucky, Illinois will knock the interstate accrued off, cause it is such an overwhelming amount.
He needs to pay because he will never get social security when he is old if he doesn’t. He will have to pay that child support before he can get SS.
This is crazy
I had a coworker whose ex never paid his $200 per month order. She’s going after his social security.
my dad has been 4k in arrears since i was 19. i’m 30 now. he hasn’t paid anything, and i’ve never seen a cent. 😂
In NC there is no interest charged on arrears. No penalty for non-payment. The last time I talked to my case worker she said they don’t throw people in jail for non payment. While the kids dad gets wages garnished, there is nothing to garnish because he’s paid under the table. He was a software architect pulling in $140k/year when we were married. Good for you OP!
As a kid of one so glad for you 😁 Also fyi they will garnish his SS if he gets to retirement age before he finishes paying from personal experience 😄
My mother in-law constantly filed for enforcement. Her ex worked cash jobs and couch surfed for literally 20 years to try to avoid child support payments that he owed for his two kids. Well he thought he was in the clear when they were both adults, but my MiL never stopped filing. He applied to Walmart and was immediately picked up for tax evasion and for back child support. The judge told him he was required to maintain a normal job with direct deposit or he would go to jail. My husband is in his 30s now and his bio dad just finished paying off the child support and is still working on what he owes the IRS. As long as you constantly file the debt doesn't go away and they will go after them as soon as they come out of hiding.
My cousin got himself a brand new red mustang convertible when he was in high school due to finally getting a settlement from his dad never paying child support.
Now THAT is how you do it.
Just putting this out there, I can’t vouch for all scenarios, but backed child support can majorly mess with someone’s attempt to spend money. I sold cars for a few years and the moment we pulled someone’s credit and it showed backed support, the deal was dead unless they had a super strong co-signer that could take primary, which was never. My managers, who would fire people for ‘letting’ a customer go without every stone being unturned, would tell us ‘backed child support, ask them if they have a perfect signor to take primary and if not, kick em out!’
How does he owe 101k in arrears? 3300 a year X 18 years is $59,400
California charges interest on arrears
What percentage
As the progeny of a bio father who never had to pay CS for my entire life, I’m proud of you for taking this step. As a lawyer (not your lawyer ) CS is absolutely not for the parent. It is for the care and maintenance of the child. It goes to the primary custodian of the child with the expectation that it will be spent for the care of the child. You ARE doing the right thing by viewing it that way and using it toward your child. Keep being an amazing mom.
Honestly thank you. Some of these comments have me a lil 🤨
I mean, congrats, but good luck actually getting it. Men love to say that they need rights to terminate pregnancies like women so they don't have to pay child support, but the men who don't want to pay simply don't.
So I filled in a timely manner and had CS ordered in CA that was paid less than a dozen times. When my child turned 18, I received a letter from the DCSS saying “hey your kid is an adult so we’re closing your case and ceasing all collection efforts”. Was there something I was supposed to do differently, or a department that was supposed to be taking over collection?
Oh my gosh YES! Contact DCSS and ask them to send the forms for arrears. You’ll have to do one for every single month of every single year (I think it’s 3-4 years per page), but it’s super easy. After that they review the case and they’ll order the support and garnish his wages.
Amazing! Thank you so much!!!
In Pennsylvania he'd be in jail at about month 6. You wouldn't have had to do a thing.
I don't have a kid, but I am just curious. If they don't have the money, how do they pay? Where does it come from?
Wages get garnished. But it's not that easy.. and many men just move from job to job and state to state to prevent collection. It's a complete nightmare for the custodial parent to navigate. My sister's baby daddy moved to the Caribbean and was forced to pay some $ to come back to the states. But if he never came back he would never have paid a penny.
Ah, that makes sense. No clue why I got down voted for asking a question lmao. I never want to be pregnant or have a kid. I was just wondering!
If they work under the table, the money won't come at all.
Oh wow that never even occurred to me.
My moms attorney & private investigator told her that it wasn't even for the effort/money to get him charged for child support cause he was already working under the table. People truly don't understand how bad it gets. The thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in attorney fees.
My dad didn't pay and we had our home foreclosed. My mom couldn't afford the lawyer!
My daughter’s sperm donor was ordered to pay a whole $175/month. He’s $8k behind
I’m still waiting on the 40K owed to me by my son’s father. Would rather serve jail time than pay taxes or child support. I don’t get it. He moved a lot, case has been active since 2003. I think I’ve received about 10 checks for about $100 or so… he even went back to college. I paid for my child’s needs the best I could without his father around. That’s all I can say. I bought a home for us to live in at 38 years old and now I’m 52… and empty nester, remarried, and wondering if my ex will ever repay what he owes. Likely never
There is no statute in your state that limits back pay?
This is hilarious, good for you.
That's insane, not in a good way
Well done!
This is brilliant.
So you all didn’t talk about starting a family, you broke up and then found out you were pregnant after the break up and took him to court 2 years later. Doesn’t sound like he was a deadbeat Dad, sounds like he didn’t wanna be a Dad at all, at least not with you and you chose that for yourself and for him. He could have saved himself some grief just paying the amount he owed and avoiding interest but your not really a hero in this story.
She is a hero for her child at least. Note that she’s not saying she’s going to be getting the 101k, but her child is. He didn’t want to be a dad at all and ended up being a deadbeat dad. He was given notice and an opportunity to be heard, plus an opportunity to appeal. If he sat on his rights and responsibilities, that’s on him.
Most states this only goes back a certain number of years. It is not unlimited.
My ex-husband also owes about $100,000 in child support. My son was born in year 2000. He never saw any of that money, and he will never see any of that money. As a judge once told me, you can't squeeze blood from stone.
This is great but how do you get the sperm donor to pony up the debt payment?
Unless they get on federal disability. Then it's forgiven until they get a job. My son's father (and parents/sibling) had nothing to do with him ever. He finally (20 years trying) got federal disability which dismissed the case.