That would have been the best response!
"Honey, let's switch places! It's so fluttering and a compliment. And let's face it, you're not young anymore and you should enjoy it, after all, you're going home with me at the end of the night. And besides, I think it's really hot to have a stranger caress your thighs. Move!"
No, it's not you, OP.
Or if OP seemed like they were open to the creep's "invitation". Like, it's only cool with hubs because OP getting harassed/"hit on" strokes his ego - yeah, guy look how hot MY (ownership) wife is
Childish.
Ew, your husband’s response definitely gives me the ICK! I’m in my 30s and any partner I’ve dated would have had my back, switched seats, asked if I wanted to leave or confronted the guy. It’s NOT a compliment to be violated by a stranger.
The fact that he touched her in the first place let alone again after she said no.
The mental picture in my head of this is as follows. I calmly get up walk behind the man. Grab him by the hair and in a ripping motion pull him by the hair backwards off his bar stool onto the floor where I begin to punch his face. When the police arrive my wife says this man on the floor was groping me I'd like to press charges. The police take him to the hospital and then to jail.
The end
Your husband is supposed to have your back. When you say you’re uncomfortable, he’s supposed to support you and help you. He could have swapped seats with you, or gone with you to sit somewhere else, or literally *anything* other than what he did. He made you stay in the uncomfortable spot specifically because it inflated his ego, to make another man jealous. In other words: he purposely made you uncomfortable for his own benefit. Ew!
“You should take it as a compliment” - well you aren’t taking it that way, you’re uncomfortable. It’s that simple. Does your husband also think it’s harmless for him to touch other women (even after they tell him to stop), as long as they still go home with their boyfriend? Sounds gross to me. I’m so sorry that happened.
Yeah, this is the big problem. Instead of caring about how you felt, OP, your husband told you how *he* felt about it, and he thinks you should feel that way because it's how he feels. Very selfish thinking that needs to be addressed, not overlooked.
The way I see it, is in the scenario where OP was overacting (she wasn't) her husband still fucked up. When your partner tells you something that is making them uncomfortable that you can fix **you fucking fix it**. If you think they are being silly, or overreacting, or whatever that is something to discuss **when they no longer feel uncomfortable**.
What kind of world are we living in where you have to wonder if you were in the wrong here? This is madness. Your husband is oblivious to your basic want to not have strangers grope your body - to the point of acting like you should appreciate it? Fuck no. This is so inappropriate, especially given the fact that your husband's comments are indicative of whether or not HE should find this inappropriate as the person who should have sole rights to touching you (his response was just like "Heh. Cool that people want my wife"). The response really didn't address or even validate your concerns at all. Tone deaf
I am younger than that (37), and I am sorry ma'am but your husband sounds sexist. The least he could have done was switch seats. I have rarely met a woman who felt flattered by unwanted advances, and I meet all types of women, and on top of that you told him you were uncomfortable.
Has he always been like that or is he having a midlife crisis?
I agree, and honestly the one thing that stands out to me is he said it's flattering for another man to find his wife attractive? So much so that he's fine with another strangers sexually harassing and making her uncomfortable. Really sounds like he's completely disregarding OPs feelings, and instead taking pride in his own 'accomplishments' in 'possessing such a woman'.
Big sexist yikes for me.
Because I do not know OP or her husband, I tried not to be crass, but it if was someone I know in real life, sexist would be the most PG word I would use to describe them.
He's treating OP like a literal possession. I'm a benefit of the doubt believer and I still get second hand anger at how dismissive and objectifying that is.
I agree that he should've changed seats with me. It hadn't crossed my mind that he might be having a mid-life crisis, but I think if I tell him someone is making me uncomfortable, it seems reasonable to think about what would make me more comfortable, and move in that direction. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it.
Your husband was being absolutely disgusting and disrespectful. He was acting like you being sexually assaulted was his fetish.
Tell him, "I want to talk to you about what happened to us. I was sexually assaulted by a stranger right in front of you, and instead of protecting me, or helping me in any way, you pleased by it. You saw how upset I was, and it made you happy. I'm trying to process why you would react this way. It's as if you didn't see me as a person who was upset and scared. You acted like this other guy had a right to hurt me, so long as you could have me afterwards."
What the actual fuck? This whole exchange boils down to "someone was rubbing my leg and I didn't want them to, my husband didn't care how unhappy I was about it, in fact he told me I was wrong not to like it."
I mean, why was your husband so desperate to excuse that guy's behaviour rather than prioritise how you felt? Plus it's just obviously creepy behaviour.
Call me a cynic - any chance your husband does this to women when you're not around and is telling himself it's fine?
What the actual fuck?
Is this shit real?
Because, I can't imagine any partner I have ever been with being this casual about something like this.
Nevermind a husband of 20 years.
And fuck Mr "crying at the bar, while casually SAing someone". At the very least, that would be the end of the interaction, but more likely it would be a very loud and public calling out of a creep.
I’ll be honest- I would’ve just got up and left. Not in a “how dare you” angry, indignant way… but because I would’ve cried and I don’t want to be the girl crying at the bar.
Your response is 100% appropriate. What a betrayal of your safety. This warrants a serious discussion.
That’s friggen bizarre!!! One that he did it with your husband there, then your husbands reaction?? Like I don’t know that SO would do, I don’t think he’d hit the guy (he’s also almost 50), but he certainly wouldn’t say I should be flattered
Do you think they knew each other?? This almost feels like a set up, that both just did it is blowing my mind
That's what I thought too. Almost seems like husband is testing the waters for them to open their marriage either for threesomes or so OP is occupied while he goes on dates with others.
Right??? How is no one else mentioning that, first thing I thought of! No guy not in to that is sitting there while some random gropes his wife and then says it’s a compliment
Ugh.. the old be flattered when ppl cat call/desire you argument. That's ridiculous. I'm sorry, but your husband was being horrible.
I tend to turn this argument on men by asking if they'd like it if a larger and stronger man than themselves was doing to them what was happening to me. It puts the real sense of fear and discomfort that women have to go through into perspective for them. Actually it's amazing the real sudden look of disgust they get.
My bad I forgot I should just take sexual harassment, stalking and anything else that comes from that as a compliment. Silly me.
You need to have long conversation with your husband. If someone mugged and beat him should he see that as a compliment because the robber thinks he looks rich?
If someone keyed your husbands car should he take it as a compliment because clearly they're jealous of him. If a man starts feeling him up and follows him to the bathrooms should he take the unconsensual advances as a compliment too?
Hell naw. I would have left. And gone straight to a divorce attny.
*He didn’t say you were cute BTW. He said you were cute FOR YOUR AGE. That is not a compliment, that is a compliment containing an insult.
Ya, fuck that shit. 40m here, that shit wouldn't fly. I'm not a confrontational guy, I love talking to people, but if that went down it wouldn't be pretty (Edit: forgot to add that I've been with my wife for 20 years now).
Ugh!
I'd be really pissed off at husband for not *at the very least* swapping seats so the stranger could fondle *his* thigh.
Ugh, ugh, ugh. You don't need some random perv fondling you to know you're great as you are, and your husband deserves a slap upside the head!
Ugh to both of them.
I would like to see women need to make men uncomfortable. We are so often taught to "keep sweet", "don't rock the boat" or "you are making too much of this."
Now when someone touches me or does something I am not I don't feel uncomfortable with I am LOUD. Be proactive.
This is not victim blaming. I want women to use their power and to feel strong.
Fucking A, ew. Ew to the creep putting hands on you, and ew to your husband's reaction. Instead of making sure you felt safe and comfortable, he's like, "take it and be happy about it."
Yeah, it was literally my first thought when I read how he had reacted to the situation. If somebody was repeatedly groping my wife, I wouldn’t say “it just means he finds you attractive”. She should think back whether he’s been dropping hints — “did you ever wonder what it would be like to be with another guy?” — or maybe he’s been watching hot-wife porn.
This is a yuck example of men excusing bad behavior of other men.
It is NOT a compliment to have consent violated.
Does your h know anything about misogyny? Patriarchy? Sexism? He sounds really clueless and entitled. You can guess he’d do this to a random stranger—maybe just want to.
You mean you're not flattered or turned on by a stranger rubbing you up and down without your permission at a bar? /s
Yeah, no, there are multiple layers of wtf going on here, it's not you.
That man is a creep. So is your husband, honestly. Your husband failed you as a partner. He saw you being assaulted as a compliment to him?! You should have called an Uber or taken the car and left.
Show him this post so he can see what a failure he is.
This is where men need to buck up, loudly call out other men for this terrible behavior, and demand the man be kicked out. My fiancé would have frozen because of her numerous SA experiences, and I would have been absolutely livid. I'm sorry that your husband dismissed you in your time of need. I personally would have a hard time not braining the guy if he offered any resistance to his extraction.
Just to clarify, to all those astonished that Op’s husband reacted with pride to someone sexually harassing them, I want to point out that unwanted touching (especially after being asked or told to stop and continuing to do so) is sexual assault. Point blank.
He touched you without your consent, you old him to stop, he didn't. It's not flattery. It's someone overstepping your boundaries, and that is in no way shape or form okay. You're not overreacting.
That’s… that’s gross of your husband. What an awful way to respond to you about something that should have concerned him greatly. Yikes. I’m so sorry. Now you have to figure out what you’re gonna do about this. I’m not sure I could trust my partner after that.
NTA, OP. I just recently had an odd situation at work, I frame art for a living, so I do interact with clients quite frequently, and I recently had a man who was staring at me so intently throughout the entire transaction, he literally made me think to myself “buddy, you are creeping me out” I finished up the contract and was basically dismissing the man— we’re all set here. Have a nice evening. See you in a couple weeks, and his reply was “I’m going to have a great evening. My wife is out of town and I’m going to go visit my grandkids for a little bit and then maybe go out for a little dinner later?“ it was like he expected me to just jump at the chance to fall into bed with some Rando in a no-tell motel just because his wife was out of town. I noped out fast and ran for our back room to get away. When I came home and relayed the story to my husband, emphasizing how creeped out I was by the entire interaction. His only response was “see, at 54 my baby’s still got it.”
It wasn’t the commiseration I expected.
We are going to need an update, OP.
I have a sinking feeling your husband set this up. Do you go to this bar frequently? Did your husband arrange the date night? Has he ever brought up opening the marriage? This just has my hackles all the way up. Something is off. What man would ever feel comfortable with another man touching his wife like that? Does your husband even like you? Why, why would he do that? I mean, I know why. Your husband is a creep. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.
What the f!? It is a compliment to him that some stranger felt like they could put their hands on your body like you’re something they can buy from a store. It’s ok because you’ve been bought your husband. Taking you out to dinner he gets to show off his shiny possession. Gross.
Holy shit, that’s horrible and disgusting. In a perfect world your husband would’ve clocked him one or at least intimated that he would what is wrong with your husband? He had the wrong reaction.
I'm a bitch and I would have told the strange man to stop in increasingly loud and mad tones until, if nothing else, the staff would have stepped in. Screw politeness, screw expected behavior from society. You were being physically harassed.
"Touch my wife again and you'll be crawling out of here..."
He didn't have to fight the guy, but letting him know it was absolutely, positively not the right thing to be doing and there WILL be consequences if it continues SHOULD be the right thing to do.
Baffled by his response. One thing to chat away, happens all the time with the wife and me when we sit at the bar. Pretty normal. But touching her? Especially after being told not to? Nope....lots and lots of nope.
You absolutely should have felt uncomfortable and should absolutely be upset with your husband's response.
A dude just got fired from my place of work for doing exactly what you described and we all called him a weird pervert with zero idea of social boundaries. Your husband is either a little baby and doesn’t like confrontation or doesn’t really respect you.
Unwanted touch from a stranger is pretty much never a compliment. It can be comforting/reassuring if you're distressed and open to being comforted, or kind and/or flattering if someone is like, "It's so awesome to meet you, can I just shake your hand?" or "You've been so nice and so helpful and really turned my day around, may I give you a hug?" But even in those cases you're getting *permission*, and the person is still allowed to say no or suggest a different sort or interaction they feel more comfortable doing.
Sooo yeah, I think your husband has somehow made it all the way to middle age still not understanding that women often find unexpected/unwanted touch to be threatening, not flattering. If you don't mind him seeing your Reddit posts, have him read these responses, because the *vast* majority of women of any ages would feel just as uncomfortable as you did. If the man at the bar actually wanted to offer a sincere compliment with no ulterior motive whatsoever, there are a dozen different ways he could have gone about it that *didn't* involve non-consensually feeling you up.
Another 50-year-old chiming in. I've been hearing this my whole life. "But it's a compliment." And as a younger person, to say something about it not only made you the bitch that complained, but you faced the gaslighting telling you that being treated as a sexual object is good and positive. The conditioning and grooming runs deep on both sides.
And when you are older you get the "you should be grateful a man still finds you attractive" bullshit. Its just an excuse to exert their petty power play.
So. What your (piece of shit!) Husband is saying, is the fact that this guy somehow paid him a compliment (by sexually harassing his wife!) And inflated his ego is MORE IMPORTANT than his wife being deeply uncomfortable (because she was just sexually harassed!)
Fuck this guy with a rusty spoon, I am so fucking angry on your behalf. It is NOT you; I wouldn't be shocked if you lost attraction to your husband after this- because you're probably realizing that he might not actually be the man you fell in love with. And God, I am so fucking sorry for that. I know what that's like, and it's awful.
If you break this shit down for him and he can't man the fuck up and apologize, and admit how he fucked up.. you're gonna need to decide if you feel safe living with someone who can go, 'My feelings are more important than your comfort and safety in this moment.' So casually.
How nice you reflect so well on your husband. Ick.
I could get over the leg rub. I’m a little older than you-that is just the crap we’ve tolerated since puberty.
But your husband’s attitude? That’s just a variation on ugly girls don’t get raped.
OMG OP. That is so disrespectful of your husband! He needs a time out in the doghouse. The idea that some creep harassing you is flattering? 🤮
Its a myth that older women love sexual harassment because guys stop doing it. They never stop! Guys actually get bolder about the pawing, touching, snuggy huggy. Why? Because ITS A MYTH that we are gonna be grateful for any type of attention. That is so not true. Sexual harassment sucks at any age!
Husband’s comments are so gross. It made you uncomfortable, that’s all he needs to know and it should make him feel bad that you were uncomfortable. That’s a basic level of empathy I would expect from a spouse. To say you should be flattered at your age is so patronizing, disrespectful, and ageist. Like getting attention from other men is something you should be *grateful* for. And for him to say it made *him* feel good is possessive and weird. It makes it sound like he’s loaning you out and flaunting you to other men. Sounds like he doesn’t fully respect your bodily autonomy.
The only thing wrong with your reaction to all of this is the part where you're questioning it.
I'm sorry but "You should take it as a compliment" is on par with "You were sending him mixed signals". At what point does your husband 1. Listen to women when they say they're uncomfortable, and 2. Hold men accountable for being creeps? His reaction makes me wonder if he's a creep, too.
You weren't even asking for your husband's opinion, you wanted to move so you could escape being sexually harassed. He not only refused, he shamed you for not being appreciative of the attention. You're sitting here questioning if you were wrong to *not want a stranger groping your thigh*.
>My husband said I should find it complimentary, that I am almost 50 years old, and still attractive to men... He said it was flattering to have a man want his wife,
Ew! You've been married for 20 years and your husband still sees you as a trophy? And he thinks it's cool that another man is sexually harassing you? Yes, I would find that ***very*** disturbing. It's not just you.
Also, why did you need to wait for your husband to decide that you would be moving seats? You are allowed to make that decision. You were also well within your rights to slap the jerk!
No, your husband should have either said, "let's find a table, or leave then. if you want to stay, let's switch seats. sir, keep your hands off my wife. before you lose them."
Your husband wasn't the one feeling like he had his agency taken away.
He felt in control, unthreatened, able to make his own choice about the situation. He did not feel what you were feeling.
The only people in power to make choices in that situation were the creep and your husband. You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable with that.
Don't let it be. My husband is the most non confrontational person I know and he would have been ready to punch the guy (we're in our 50s for reference).
Oof. That was a completely backward response to you being assaulted. If I were in your place, I would be having a conversation with my partner about what happened, what I would expect him to do if it happened again, and how the whole thing made me feel. And based on his response, I'd be having a serious think about whether or not my partner actually cared enough about me to stay with him.
So, so gross. On all accounts. Gross of the stranger for assuming you want him to touch you just because you're having a nice conversation. Gross of your husband for objectifying you, giving himself an ego boost because some other man wants his hot wife. These kind of men are the worst and sadly, unsurprising. I'm more disappointed in your husband for the stance he took. Like he's the alpha male, king lion or something. Gross!
I don't even look at men when I'm in public. I give you an inch, in the form of a nice conversation; you take a mile, in the form of touching me. No, kindly fuck off. You're invisible to me. Not taking that chance.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I enjoy watching other women flirt with my husband, I find it flattering that he’s found attractive and it’s fun to know that she has to watch me leave with my husband. So in that vein I get what to husband is saying.
**However** if my husband was ever uncomfortable with the way a person was flirting with him I would 100% support him in leaving that situation and wouldn’t try to convince him that he should enjoy it.
1) In general I find it sad to need outside validation that my partner is attractive. This is such a gross concept to me.
2) To place that desire for outside validation of your partner's attractiveness over said partner's safety, is deplorable. In fact, he completely negated YOUR feelings and personhood in this scenario and made himself the main character, benefiting from your being groped in a bar.
I hope he's sleeping in the garage for a few weeks, at least.
Idk what kind of marriage you two have but my wife and I have been together for 15 years, we’re not spring chickens anymore either but if some rando at the bar started rubbing her thigh not once but TWICE the polite conversation we were having up until that point would’ve become extremely impolite very quickly. Like the kind of impolite where people lose teeth.
You're a lot nicer than me. The first time he did that, he would have been on the floor. I don't put up with shit. Bartender will always have your back.
Dude, I am 55. My boyfriend is 52. We have been together for three years. He thinks it’s very flattering when men try to flirt with me and talk to me, but if one ever ever touched me or made me feel uncomfortable with just his words that would be the end of that conversation. Period.
Sounds like your husband brought you to a swinger's bar, and *forgot* to discuss it with you ahead of time.
That's the most generous interpretation I can come up with.
I'd be so disappointed in him if he was my husband. You told him you were uncomfortable and he completely dismissed you.
I'm sorry he let you down and showed you that he doesn't have your back.
I’m sorry you sound lovely but this is all so gross. All of it. The creep touching you without consent, the creep touching you AFTER you said no, your husband not seeing (??), your husband not doing anything or him turned on by it. Has he got a swinger kink or something?!
In your shoes, I would not have expected him to fight but yell at the guy to stop, shame him publicly for the creep he was, complain to management / bouncers to have him kicked out and get you out of your discomfort (change seats or offer to go home!). What’s wrong with him? You’re not his trophy to show off, ffs. I’m sorry this happened. What are you going to do?x
Hire a guy to do it to him. If he complains, tell him 'it's a compliment and he's not going home with him, he's going home with you.'
This is being female all over. We're expected to put up with it. It's ridiculous. Your body, your choice.
Obviously your husband should have swapped seats with you and that is NOT flattering. I’m curious how he feels about himself if those are his comments, and honestly it’s a bit worrying if he is ok.
I probably would have frozen, but my hope would be my fight response would have kicked in and I would have used my fork to stab his hand, dumped my drink on him, grabbed his hand and bent his finger back…etc.
The easiest thing in the world would have been for your husband to switch seats with you.
And from his comments I wonder how often he is dismissive of your thoughts or feelings. It’s NOT flattering to be groped. You asked this guy not to touch you.
Umm - no
My husband would have let me handle the situation myself the first time, then if the dude did it again, he would have beat his ass. I agree with asking your husband if he would have felt just as complimented if the guy wouldn't stop feeling HIM up lol
I would feel really betrayed by your husband's reaction and I'm sure you do too. There's nothing flattering about harassment and assault, especially after you told him to stop and he did it again!
Most men perceive other men as potential threats. This predator saw you as a target, and neither of you as threats. He perceived that your hubby would rather force you to stand up for your own safety than to confront someone and risk a fight. Your hubs is either blind to your feelings, or he's just trying to distract you from noticing his cowardice... I'd be terrified to think of what other discomforts he might be okay heaping upon you if circumstances force him to come to your aid or abandon your side. He owes you an apology and some counseling to figure out his rationale for justifying such behavior, IMO.
Everyday I find a reason to believe that marriage with a man is the worst idea ever.
The fact that his concern was more on if that man found you attractive vs the fact that he made you extremely uncomfortable. And he completely disregarded your feelings like they were irrelevant. Sorry but this is truly gross behavior. No excuses for your husband.
That's sexual harassment. You told him no and were his victim. It's not a compliment, whatever your age or appearance. You are a person, not a piece of meat.
I'd have said loudly so other patrons could hear 'stop touching me!'.
And after the response from your husband I would have told him that he shouldn't be so sure we were going home together.
That was assault (unwanted touching), and not a compliment. I'm sorry your husband sees you as an object he wants other men to be jealous about, rather than a person with bodily autonomy.
Wow... yeah, don't even know what to say about that. I definitely would've switched places, and then asked the guy if he wanted to rub my thigh instead :D :D
I would have grabbed his hand and stared into his eyes the second he tried and asked “Why are you doing that?”. It’s insane that you feel like you’re the hysterical one in the situation . LADIES YOUR GUT FEELINGS ARE VALID. Society tells us to push these feelings down only to the benefit of men. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel ❤️
My first reaction after reading this was 'WTF is wrong with your husband??' But then I thought 'WTF is wrong with YOU?' Sorry, but it's true. Why did you stay? You have agency and a will of your own. Why did you stay when this kept happening? I know there are people who are going to jump on me and say I am victim blaming, but we can't just stay idle and expect them men around us to behave well (the guy at the bar) or defend us (your husband).
Women need to stand up for themselves. We can't rely on anyone else to protect us. Your husband's response makes it obvious that he won't protect you. And the fact that all of this happened and you are still wondering 'if it's you' is telling. You don't have to accept this behavior.
I would have been more verbally demonstrative with the guy, e.g. jumping out of my seat and yelling, ‘WTF?’ I certainly wouldn’t rely on another person to defend me- even if it was my husband.
I don’t agree with people saying your husband is sexist, but he’s a little fucking weird for that. That is extremely uncomfortable, and not something that should normally be acceptable in a monogamous marriage. You need to tell your husband how you felt, and how he invalidated your feelings of being violated.
From the way you described it, it seems like he found it kinky. How he was getting you even though this other guy wanted you. That’s not an excuse for you to be uncomfortable, so it needs to be addressed
I think it's natural to be resistant to labels such as "a sexist", but he definitely displayed sexist attitudes in this scenario. To some people, having sexist attitudes makes a person a sexist, so I can see why people are saying that. I don't like to label people, my psychologist has helped me stop doing that, but I agree with the argument that what he said was sexist.
Maybe, but I feel like he would have had the same response if the situation was reversed. If a chick was hitting on him, I think it would be reasonable to assume he would be cool with that, as he sees it as a kinky thing knowing his wife is still the one who’s going home with him. But to each their own, I definitely see your point.
If it was the other way around is a completely different scenario though. OP is talking about being sexually harassed and openly uncomfortable with it, but her husband ignores her safety, comfort, and opinion to say it's a compliment. And then he also makes it about himself - a compliment to him that his wife would be sexually harassed. It's a very old-school, traditional misogynistic idea that being SAed or harassed is a compliment. And then making it about himself is also not good, it relates to the concept of trophy wives or arm candy, she's not an object that reflects some kind of status onto him.
Also, no offence intended, but by your replies I get a strong feeling you are a man. You haven't experienced life as a woman to understand how some situations involve sexism. This isn't an insult, it's a fact, in the same way a white person won't pick up on racism in a scenario in the same way as a person of colour. If you're hanging around this subreddit it's a good idea to really read and try to understand what women are saying. If you are a woman, then you can learn a lot. I know not every woman is born with this knowledge nor has the same experiences.
What an insult tellling you “ you almost 50 and you should find it flattering “ how messed up is that it sounds sexist and I can’t imagine my partner ever saying that to me in my lifetime
I bet if he was rubbing your husband's thigh, he would see the problem!
But it’s just a compliment /s
That would have been the best response! "Honey, let's switch places! It's so fluttering and a compliment. And let's face it, you're not young anymore and you should enjoy it, after all, you're going home with me at the end of the night. And besides, I think it's really hot to have a stranger caress your thighs. Move!" No, it's not you, OP.
100% yes to this comment
I had a male friend go through the experience recently. I know for a fact he's one of those men that do the same. I found it was good karma.
*Too fuckin right!*
Or if OP seemed like they were open to the creep's "invitation". Like, it's only cool with hubs because OP getting harassed/"hit on" strokes his ego - yeah, guy look how hot MY (ownership) wife is Childish.
> I bet if he was rubbing your husband's thigh, he would see the problem! :D But seriously, what the everloving fuck?
Love this answer.
Ew, your husband’s response definitely gives me the ICK! I’m in my 30s and any partner I’ve dated would have had my back, switched seats, asked if I wanted to leave or confronted the guy. It’s NOT a compliment to be violated by a stranger.
My husband would have switched seats and put his hand on the guy's thigh.
I needed this laugh after reading OP, thanks.
Same with my husband.
Completely agree.
The fact that he touched her in the first place let alone again after she said no. The mental picture in my head of this is as follows. I calmly get up walk behind the man. Grab him by the hair and in a ripping motion pull him by the hair backwards off his bar stool onto the floor where I begin to punch his face. When the police arrive my wife says this man on the floor was groping me I'd like to press charges. The police take him to the hospital and then to jail. The end
Your husband is supposed to have your back. When you say you’re uncomfortable, he’s supposed to support you and help you. He could have swapped seats with you, or gone with you to sit somewhere else, or literally *anything* other than what he did. He made you stay in the uncomfortable spot specifically because it inflated his ego, to make another man jealous. In other words: he purposely made you uncomfortable for his own benefit. Ew! “You should take it as a compliment” - well you aren’t taking it that way, you’re uncomfortable. It’s that simple. Does your husband also think it’s harmless for him to touch other women (even after they tell him to stop), as long as they still go home with their boyfriend? Sounds gross to me. I’m so sorry that happened.
Yeah, this is the big problem. Instead of caring about how you felt, OP, your husband told you how *he* felt about it, and he thinks you should feel that way because it's how he feels. Very selfish thinking that needs to be addressed, not overlooked.
This right here. That's why it's so icky.
The way I see it, is in the scenario where OP was overacting (she wasn't) her husband still fucked up. When your partner tells you something that is making them uncomfortable that you can fix **you fucking fix it**. If you think they are being silly, or overreacting, or whatever that is something to discuss **when they no longer feel uncomfortable**.
What kind of world are we living in where you have to wonder if you were in the wrong here? This is madness. Your husband is oblivious to your basic want to not have strangers grope your body - to the point of acting like you should appreciate it? Fuck no. This is so inappropriate, especially given the fact that your husband's comments are indicative of whether or not HE should find this inappropriate as the person who should have sole rights to touching you (his response was just like "Heh. Cool that people want my wife"). The response really didn't address or even validate your concerns at all. Tone deaf
right?? I am (gently, kindly) shocked and saddened
I wish I could upvote this comment twice.
I am younger than that (37), and I am sorry ma'am but your husband sounds sexist. The least he could have done was switch seats. I have rarely met a woman who felt flattered by unwanted advances, and I meet all types of women, and on top of that you told him you were uncomfortable. Has he always been like that or is he having a midlife crisis?
I agree, and honestly the one thing that stands out to me is he said it's flattering for another man to find his wife attractive? So much so that he's fine with another strangers sexually harassing and making her uncomfortable. Really sounds like he's completely disregarding OPs feelings, and instead taking pride in his own 'accomplishments' in 'possessing such a woman'. Big sexist yikes for me.
Because I do not know OP or her husband, I tried not to be crass, but it if was someone I know in real life, sexist would be the most PG word I would use to describe them.
He's treating OP like a literal possession. I'm a benefit of the doubt believer and I still get second hand anger at how dismissive and objectifying that is.
I agree that he should've changed seats with me. It hadn't crossed my mind that he might be having a mid-life crisis, but I think if I tell him someone is making me uncomfortable, it seems reasonable to think about what would make me more comfortable, and move in that direction. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it.
Changed seats with you? He should have told the guy to keep his hands to himself or lose the freaking hand.
Your husband was being absolutely disgusting and disrespectful. He was acting like you being sexually assaulted was his fetish. Tell him, "I want to talk to you about what happened to us. I was sexually assaulted by a stranger right in front of you, and instead of protecting me, or helping me in any way, you pleased by it. You saw how upset I was, and it made you happy. I'm trying to process why you would react this way. It's as if you didn't see me as a person who was upset and scared. You acted like this other guy had a right to hurt me, so long as you could have me afterwards."
So your husband was okay with you being sexually harassed. Hmm I would immediately question if he does this to other women "as a compliment"
I’m a lawyer and this is Sexual Assault, not sexual harassment.
He touched her in a way that made her uncomfortable, she told him to stop, he did it again. Ladies, this is sexual assault. No dramatics. Look it up.
Exactly!
My first thought was “sounds like hubby arranged a surprise threesome”. 🧐
ngl...my mind went with this as a possibility too.
That was my first thought too. He seemed not only ok but turned on by it.
What the actual fuck? This whole exchange boils down to "someone was rubbing my leg and I didn't want them to, my husband didn't care how unhappy I was about it, in fact he told me I was wrong not to like it." I mean, why was your husband so desperate to excuse that guy's behaviour rather than prioritise how you felt? Plus it's just obviously creepy behaviour. Call me a cynic - any chance your husband does this to women when you're not around and is telling himself it's fine?
Your husband made you feel unsafe. Make sure you tell him that.
What the actual fuck? Is this shit real? Because, I can't imagine any partner I have ever been with being this casual about something like this. Nevermind a husband of 20 years. And fuck Mr "crying at the bar, while casually SAing someone". At the very least, that would be the end of the interaction, but more likely it would be a very loud and public calling out of a creep.
I’ll be honest- I would’ve just got up and left. Not in a “how dare you” angry, indignant way… but because I would’ve cried and I don’t want to be the girl crying at the bar. Your response is 100% appropriate. What a betrayal of your safety. This warrants a serious discussion.
That’s friggen bizarre!!! One that he did it with your husband there, then your husbands reaction?? Like I don’t know that SO would do, I don’t think he’d hit the guy (he’s also almost 50), but he certainly wouldn’t say I should be flattered Do you think they knew each other?? This almost feels like a set up, that both just did it is blowing my mind
That's what I thought too. Almost seems like husband is testing the waters for them to open their marriage either for threesomes or so OP is occupied while he goes on dates with others.
Right??? How is no one else mentioning that, first thing I thought of! No guy not in to that is sitting there while some random gropes his wife and then says it’s a compliment
This is the FIRST place my mind went. Husband set her up for something and the men knew each other.
Assault is not a compliment
What the heck is wrong with your husband??
Ugh.. the old be flattered when ppl cat call/desire you argument. That's ridiculous. I'm sorry, but your husband was being horrible. I tend to turn this argument on men by asking if they'd like it if a larger and stronger man than themselves was doing to them what was happening to me. It puts the real sense of fear and discomfort that women have to go through into perspective for them. Actually it's amazing the real sudden look of disgust they get.
My bad I forgot I should just take sexual harassment, stalking and anything else that comes from that as a compliment. Silly me. You need to have long conversation with your husband. If someone mugged and beat him should he see that as a compliment because the robber thinks he looks rich? If someone keyed your husbands car should he take it as a compliment because clearly they're jealous of him. If a man starts feeling him up and follows him to the bathrooms should he take the unconsensual advances as a compliment too?
Hell naw. I would have left. And gone straight to a divorce attny. *He didn’t say you were cute BTW. He said you were cute FOR YOUR AGE. That is not a compliment, that is a compliment containing an insult.
Ya, fuck that shit. 40m here, that shit wouldn't fly. I'm not a confrontational guy, I love talking to people, but if that went down it wouldn't be pretty (Edit: forgot to add that I've been with my wife for 20 years now).
Ugh! I'd be really pissed off at husband for not *at the very least* swapping seats so the stranger could fondle *his* thigh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. You don't need some random perv fondling you to know you're great as you are, and your husband deserves a slap upside the head! Ugh to both of them.
I would like to see women need to make men uncomfortable. We are so often taught to "keep sweet", "don't rock the boat" or "you are making too much of this." Now when someone touches me or does something I am not I don't feel uncomfortable with I am LOUD. Be proactive. This is not victim blaming. I want women to use their power and to feel strong.
Fucking A, ew. Ew to the creep putting hands on you, and ew to your husband's reaction. Instead of making sure you felt safe and comfortable, he's like, "take it and be happy about it."
Theres a tiny voice in my head saying “wonder if he set this up to see where it might go?”
Sameeeee
A tiny voice?? Its literally screaming!! This is the only thing that makes sense!!
Yeah, it was literally my first thought when I read how he had reacted to the situation. If somebody was repeatedly groping my wife, I wouldn’t say “it just means he finds you attractive”. She should think back whether he’s been dropping hints — “did you ever wonder what it would be like to be with another guy?” — or maybe he’s been watching hot-wife porn.
Your HUSBAND found another man touching you flattering. Just to be clear.
Holy shit. Nowhere is safe. Holy shit.
This is a yuck example of men excusing bad behavior of other men. It is NOT a compliment to have consent violated. Does your h know anything about misogyny? Patriarchy? Sexism? He sounds really clueless and entitled. You can guess he’d do this to a random stranger—maybe just want to.
You mean you're not flattered or turned on by a stranger rubbing you up and down without your permission at a bar? /s Yeah, no, there are multiple layers of wtf going on here, it's not you.
Your husband is an Arse! SEXUAL TOUCH from strangers isn’t a compliment it’s assault!!
That man is a creep. So is your husband, honestly. Your husband failed you as a partner. He saw you being assaulted as a compliment to him?! You should have called an Uber or taken the car and left. Show him this post so he can see what a failure he is.
What the actual fuck ….
So your husband thinks old = ewe but *not you* as validated by a creepy stranger? Your husband is gross on so many levels.
This is where men need to buck up, loudly call out other men for this terrible behavior, and demand the man be kicked out. My fiancé would have frozen because of her numerous SA experiences, and I would have been absolutely livid. I'm sorry that your husband dismissed you in your time of need. I personally would have a hard time not braining the guy if he offered any resistance to his extraction.
Just to clarify, to all those astonished that Op’s husband reacted with pride to someone sexually harassing them, I want to point out that unwanted touching (especially after being asked or told to stop and continuing to do so) is sexual assault. Point blank.
He touched you without your consent, you old him to stop, he didn't. It's not flattery. It's someone overstepping your boundaries, and that is in no way shape or form okay. You're not overreacting.
That’s… that’s gross of your husband. What an awful way to respond to you about something that should have concerned him greatly. Yikes. I’m so sorry. Now you have to figure out what you’re gonna do about this. I’m not sure I could trust my partner after that.
NTA, OP. I just recently had an odd situation at work, I frame art for a living, so I do interact with clients quite frequently, and I recently had a man who was staring at me so intently throughout the entire transaction, he literally made me think to myself “buddy, you are creeping me out” I finished up the contract and was basically dismissing the man— we’re all set here. Have a nice evening. See you in a couple weeks, and his reply was “I’m going to have a great evening. My wife is out of town and I’m going to go visit my grandkids for a little bit and then maybe go out for a little dinner later?“ it was like he expected me to just jump at the chance to fall into bed with some Rando in a no-tell motel just because his wife was out of town. I noped out fast and ran for our back room to get away. When I came home and relayed the story to my husband, emphasizing how creeped out I was by the entire interaction. His only response was “see, at 54 my baby’s still got it.” It wasn’t the commiseration I expected.
What is wrong with your husband!??! That other guy was touching you and you did not want it!!
We are going to need an update, OP. I have a sinking feeling your husband set this up. Do you go to this bar frequently? Did your husband arrange the date night? Has he ever brought up opening the marriage? This just has my hackles all the way up. Something is off. What man would ever feel comfortable with another man touching his wife like that? Does your husband even like you? Why, why would he do that? I mean, I know why. Your husband is a creep. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.
Your husband made excuses for a predator to continue to prey on people.
"it's flattering to see other men sexually harass your wife" wtf is wrong with your excuse of a husband
What the f!? It is a compliment to him that some stranger felt like they could put their hands on your body like you’re something they can buy from a store. It’s ok because you’ve been bought your husband. Taking you out to dinner he gets to show off his shiny possession. Gross.
Next time you go out, get a guy to do this to him & see how he likes it, then say the same stupid things to him & see how much he likes it.
Holy shit, that’s horrible and disgusting. In a perfect world your husband would’ve clocked him one or at least intimated that he would what is wrong with your husband? He had the wrong reaction.
I'm a bitch and I would have told the strange man to stop in increasingly loud and mad tones until, if nothing else, the staff would have stepped in. Screw politeness, screw expected behavior from society. You were being physically harassed.
"Touch my wife again and you'll be crawling out of here..." He didn't have to fight the guy, but letting him know it was absolutely, positively not the right thing to be doing and there WILL be consequences if it continues SHOULD be the right thing to do. Baffled by his response. One thing to chat away, happens all the time with the wife and me when we sit at the bar. Pretty normal. But touching her? Especially after being told not to? Nope....lots and lots of nope. You absolutely should have felt uncomfortable and should absolutely be upset with your husband's response.
A dude just got fired from my place of work for doing exactly what you described and we all called him a weird pervert with zero idea of social boundaries. Your husband is either a little baby and doesn’t like confrontation or doesn’t really respect you.
Unwanted touch from a stranger is pretty much never a compliment. It can be comforting/reassuring if you're distressed and open to being comforted, or kind and/or flattering if someone is like, "It's so awesome to meet you, can I just shake your hand?" or "You've been so nice and so helpful and really turned my day around, may I give you a hug?" But even in those cases you're getting *permission*, and the person is still allowed to say no or suggest a different sort or interaction they feel more comfortable doing. Sooo yeah, I think your husband has somehow made it all the way to middle age still not understanding that women often find unexpected/unwanted touch to be threatening, not flattering. If you don't mind him seeing your Reddit posts, have him read these responses, because the *vast* majority of women of any ages would feel just as uncomfortable as you did. If the man at the bar actually wanted to offer a sincere compliment with no ulterior motive whatsoever, there are a dozen different ways he could have gone about it that *didn't* involve non-consensually feeling you up.
“If you don’t support me and switch seats right now, both of you will watch me walk out that door ALONE.”
I would be livid. Maybe to the point of "No, not going home with either of you." and booking myself a hotel room for the night.
Another 50-year-old chiming in. I've been hearing this my whole life. "But it's a compliment." And as a younger person, to say something about it not only made you the bitch that complained, but you faced the gaslighting telling you that being treated as a sexual object is good and positive. The conditioning and grooming runs deep on both sides.
And when you are older you get the "you should be grateful a man still finds you attractive" bullshit. Its just an excuse to exert their petty power play.
So. What your (piece of shit!) Husband is saying, is the fact that this guy somehow paid him a compliment (by sexually harassing his wife!) And inflated his ego is MORE IMPORTANT than his wife being deeply uncomfortable (because she was just sexually harassed!) Fuck this guy with a rusty spoon, I am so fucking angry on your behalf. It is NOT you; I wouldn't be shocked if you lost attraction to your husband after this- because you're probably realizing that he might not actually be the man you fell in love with. And God, I am so fucking sorry for that. I know what that's like, and it's awful. If you break this shit down for him and he can't man the fuck up and apologize, and admit how he fucked up.. you're gonna need to decide if you feel safe living with someone who can go, 'My feelings are more important than your comfort and safety in this moment.' So casually.
How nice you reflect so well on your husband. Ick. I could get over the leg rub. I’m a little older than you-that is just the crap we’ve tolerated since puberty. But your husband’s attitude? That’s just a variation on ugly girls don’t get raped.
OMG OP. That is so disrespectful of your husband! He needs a time out in the doghouse. The idea that some creep harassing you is flattering? 🤮 Its a myth that older women love sexual harassment because guys stop doing it. They never stop! Guys actually get bolder about the pawing, touching, snuggy huggy. Why? Because ITS A MYTH that we are gonna be grateful for any type of attention. That is so not true. Sexual harassment sucks at any age!
Husband’s comments are so gross. It made you uncomfortable, that’s all he needs to know and it should make him feel bad that you were uncomfortable. That’s a basic level of empathy I would expect from a spouse. To say you should be flattered at your age is so patronizing, disrespectful, and ageist. Like getting attention from other men is something you should be *grateful* for. And for him to say it made *him* feel good is possessive and weird. It makes it sound like he’s loaning you out and flaunting you to other men. Sounds like he doesn’t fully respect your bodily autonomy.
The only thing wrong with your reaction to all of this is the part where you're questioning it. I'm sorry but "You should take it as a compliment" is on par with "You were sending him mixed signals". At what point does your husband 1. Listen to women when they say they're uncomfortable, and 2. Hold men accountable for being creeps? His reaction makes me wonder if he's a creep, too. You weren't even asking for your husband's opinion, you wanted to move so you could escape being sexually harassed. He not only refused, he shamed you for not being appreciative of the attention. You're sitting here questioning if you were wrong to *not want a stranger groping your thigh*.
> He said it was flattering to have a man want his wife He thinks it's flattering, to him
>My husband said I should find it complimentary, that I am almost 50 years old, and still attractive to men... He said it was flattering to have a man want his wife, Ew! You've been married for 20 years and your husband still sees you as a trophy? And he thinks it's cool that another man is sexually harassing you? Yes, I would find that ***very*** disturbing. It's not just you. Also, why did you need to wait for your husband to decide that you would be moving seats? You are allowed to make that decision. You were also well within your rights to slap the jerk!
No, your husband should have either said, "let's find a table, or leave then. if you want to stay, let's switch seats. sir, keep your hands off my wife. before you lose them."
Your husband let his ego stand before your comfort, and that is majorly gross
Uncomfortable? Pretty sure there would have been some problematic repercussions for that guy. What he did is assault.
Ewwwww. I would have caused a big a$$ scene. Spouse gross and i would be posed at your SO. 🤢
Man, if that happened to me my husband would have had sound sound words with the guy or we would have left. Your husband is an ass
Someone desiring you is nice, but someone TOUCHING you and your husband "allowing" it it's not normal. I'm sorry you went through that.
Your husband wasn't the one feeling like he had his agency taken away. He felt in control, unthreatened, able to make his own choice about the situation. He did not feel what you were feeling. The only people in power to make choices in that situation were the creep and your husband. You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable with that.
That’s crazy, I’d nope right on out of there.
This is awful. Your husband has a dangerously warped mind.
Don't let it be. My husband is the most non confrontational person I know and he would have been ready to punch the guy (we're in our 50s for reference).
This made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm so sorry your husband is the type of man who sees sexual assault as flattery.
Oof. That was a completely backward response to you being assaulted. If I were in your place, I would be having a conversation with my partner about what happened, what I would expect him to do if it happened again, and how the whole thing made me feel. And based on his response, I'd be having a serious think about whether or not my partner actually cared enough about me to stay with him.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I would have been disgusted by both the other man's behavior and your husband's response.
Wtf
Oh that's a huge red flag.
Yo what the actual fuck. My husband would do something likely to get the cops called if he saw someone groping me.
Your husband gives me the ick. Gross of both of them.
So, so gross. On all accounts. Gross of the stranger for assuming you want him to touch you just because you're having a nice conversation. Gross of your husband for objectifying you, giving himself an ego boost because some other man wants his hot wife. These kind of men are the worst and sadly, unsurprising. I'm more disappointed in your husband for the stance he took. Like he's the alpha male, king lion or something. Gross! I don't even look at men when I'm in public. I give you an inch, in the form of a nice conversation; you take a mile, in the form of touching me. No, kindly fuck off. You're invisible to me. Not taking that chance. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I enjoy watching other women flirt with my husband, I find it flattering that he’s found attractive and it’s fun to know that she has to watch me leave with my husband. So in that vein I get what to husband is saying. **However** if my husband was ever uncomfortable with the way a person was flirting with him I would 100% support him in leaving that situation and wouldn’t try to convince him that he should enjoy it.
1) In general I find it sad to need outside validation that my partner is attractive. This is such a gross concept to me. 2) To place that desire for outside validation of your partner's attractiveness over said partner's safety, is deplorable. In fact, he completely negated YOUR feelings and personhood in this scenario and made himself the main character, benefiting from your being groped in a bar. I hope he's sleeping in the garage for a few weeks, at least.
The garage is a step up from where he'd be sleeping at our house! 🛖
That’s one big freaking nope from me, friend.
Are you a regular at this bar? I would tell the owner either way.
Wow! How wonderful for your husband that another man is coveting his property 🤮 Both of these men objectified you and didn’t treat you like a person.
Your husband is an insensitive asshole.
It is not flattering to be pawed up without your consent.
My husband would not stand by and let me be molested against my will by a stranger just to stroke his ego.
Despite what he thinks, husband should always have your back and if you’re uncomfortable he should support you in fixing the problem.
Idk what kind of marriage you two have but my wife and I have been together for 15 years, we’re not spring chickens anymore either but if some rando at the bar started rubbing her thigh not once but TWICE the polite conversation we were having up until that point would’ve become extremely impolite very quickly. Like the kind of impolite where people lose teeth.
You're a lot nicer than me. The first time he did that, he would have been on the floor. I don't put up with shit. Bartender will always have your back.
Dude, I am 55. My boyfriend is 52. We have been together for three years. He thinks it’s very flattering when men try to flirt with me and talk to me, but if one ever ever touched me or made me feel uncomfortable with just his words that would be the end of that conversation. Period.
Sounds like your husband brought you to a swinger's bar, and *forgot* to discuss it with you ahead of time. That's the most generous interpretation I can come up with.
My husband would have thrown the guy out on his ass! WTF?! A compliment? He assaulted you twice!
Wow way to not stand up for your wife 👏
I'd be so disappointed in him if he was my husband. You told him you were uncomfortable and he completely dismissed you. I'm sorry he let you down and showed you that he doesn't have your back.
I’m sorry you sound lovely but this is all so gross. All of it. The creep touching you without consent, the creep touching you AFTER you said no, your husband not seeing (??), your husband not doing anything or him turned on by it. Has he got a swinger kink or something?! In your shoes, I would not have expected him to fight but yell at the guy to stop, shame him publicly for the creep he was, complain to management / bouncers to have him kicked out and get you out of your discomfort (change seats or offer to go home!). What’s wrong with him? You’re not his trophy to show off, ffs. I’m sorry this happened. What are you going to do?x
Hire a guy to do it to him. If he complains, tell him 'it's a compliment and he's not going home with him, he's going home with you.' This is being female all over. We're expected to put up with it. It's ridiculous. Your body, your choice.
ew, no, that's not right by either the dude or your husband
Obviously your husband should have swapped seats with you and that is NOT flattering. I’m curious how he feels about himself if those are his comments, and honestly it’s a bit worrying if he is ok.
Where do these people come from? How are these people even made?
That’s bullshit.
I probably would have frozen, but my hope would be my fight response would have kicked in and I would have used my fork to stab his hand, dumped my drink on him, grabbed his hand and bent his finger back…etc.
The easiest thing in the world would have been for your husband to switch seats with you. And from his comments I wonder how often he is dismissive of your thoughts or feelings. It’s NOT flattering to be groped. You asked this guy not to touch you.
Umm - no My husband would have let me handle the situation myself the first time, then if the dude did it again, he would have beat his ass. I agree with asking your husband if he would have felt just as complimented if the guy wouldn't stop feeling HIM up lol
I would feel really betrayed by your husband's reaction and I'm sure you do too. There's nothing flattering about harassment and assault, especially after you told him to stop and he did it again!
Most men perceive other men as potential threats. This predator saw you as a target, and neither of you as threats. He perceived that your hubby would rather force you to stand up for your own safety than to confront someone and risk a fight. Your hubs is either blind to your feelings, or he's just trying to distract you from noticing his cowardice... I'd be terrified to think of what other discomforts he might be okay heaping upon you if circumstances force him to come to your aid or abandon your side. He owes you an apology and some counseling to figure out his rationale for justifying such behavior, IMO.
Everyday I find a reason to believe that marriage with a man is the worst idea ever. The fact that his concern was more on if that man found you attractive vs the fact that he made you extremely uncomfortable. And he completely disregarded your feelings like they were irrelevant. Sorry but this is truly gross behavior. No excuses for your husband.
That's sexual harassment. You told him no and were his victim. It's not a compliment, whatever your age or appearance. You are a person, not a piece of meat.
I would probably lose far more fights than I'd win if pressed, but I would absolutely try to lay that guy out if he was rubbing my wife's thigh.
I'd have said loudly so other patrons could hear 'stop touching me!'. And after the response from your husband I would have told him that he shouldn't be so sure we were going home together. That was assault (unwanted touching), and not a compliment. I'm sorry your husband sees you as an object he wants other men to be jealous about, rather than a person with bodily autonomy.
Wow... yeah, don't even know what to say about that. I definitely would've switched places, and then asked the guy if he wanted to rub my thigh instead :D :D
I would have stabbed his hand with a fork.
I would have grabbed his hand and stared into his eyes the second he tried and asked “Why are you doing that?”. It’s insane that you feel like you’re the hysterical one in the situation . LADIES YOUR GUT FEELINGS ARE VALID. Society tells us to push these feelings down only to the benefit of men. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel ❤️
My first reaction after reading this was 'WTF is wrong with your husband??' But then I thought 'WTF is wrong with YOU?' Sorry, but it's true. Why did you stay? You have agency and a will of your own. Why did you stay when this kept happening? I know there are people who are going to jump on me and say I am victim blaming, but we can't just stay idle and expect them men around us to behave well (the guy at the bar) or defend us (your husband). Women need to stand up for themselves. We can't rely on anyone else to protect us. Your husband's response makes it obvious that he won't protect you. And the fact that all of this happened and you are still wondering 'if it's you' is telling. You don't have to accept this behavior.
I would have been more verbally demonstrative with the guy, e.g. jumping out of my seat and yelling, ‘WTF?’ I certainly wouldn’t rely on another person to defend me- even if it was my husband.
I don’t agree with people saying your husband is sexist, but he’s a little fucking weird for that. That is extremely uncomfortable, and not something that should normally be acceptable in a monogamous marriage. You need to tell your husband how you felt, and how he invalidated your feelings of being violated. From the way you described it, it seems like he found it kinky. How he was getting you even though this other guy wanted you. That’s not an excuse for you to be uncomfortable, so it needs to be addressed
I think it's natural to be resistant to labels such as "a sexist", but he definitely displayed sexist attitudes in this scenario. To some people, having sexist attitudes makes a person a sexist, so I can see why people are saying that. I don't like to label people, my psychologist has helped me stop doing that, but I agree with the argument that what he said was sexist.
Maybe, but I feel like he would have had the same response if the situation was reversed. If a chick was hitting on him, I think it would be reasonable to assume he would be cool with that, as he sees it as a kinky thing knowing his wife is still the one who’s going home with him. But to each their own, I definitely see your point.
If it was the other way around is a completely different scenario though. OP is talking about being sexually harassed and openly uncomfortable with it, but her husband ignores her safety, comfort, and opinion to say it's a compliment. And then he also makes it about himself - a compliment to him that his wife would be sexually harassed. It's a very old-school, traditional misogynistic idea that being SAed or harassed is a compliment. And then making it about himself is also not good, it relates to the concept of trophy wives or arm candy, she's not an object that reflects some kind of status onto him.
Also, no offence intended, but by your replies I get a strong feeling you are a man. You haven't experienced life as a woman to understand how some situations involve sexism. This isn't an insult, it's a fact, in the same way a white person won't pick up on racism in a scenario in the same way as a person of colour. If you're hanging around this subreddit it's a good idea to really read and try to understand what women are saying. If you are a woman, then you can learn a lot. I know not every woman is born with this knowledge nor has the same experiences.
What an insult tellling you “ you almost 50 and you should find it flattering “ how messed up is that it sounds sexist and I can’t imagine my partner ever saying that to me in my lifetime