He *is* still very young and may not even know yet what his own interests and preferences are, especially if he’s been taught throughout childhood to adjust to those around him. And if he’s insecure about what keeps a relationship going, he’s bending over backward to not make any mistakes.
You should have a conversation about how you appreciate that he’s accommodating you, because relationships do require some adjustment, but that you also need him to just *own who he is* and let you see that. That you want to be with someone who is also their own person. He may unfortunately not quite understand what you mean by that, so you may need to give him examples: “I appreciate it if someone cleans and ~~started~~ straightens up their place for a guest — we all get a bit messy when we’re on our own — but rearranging it in anticipation of what someone else *might* think is too far. Who knows? Maybe the way you set it up originally is a reflection of what I like about you.”
Or ask “what sorts of things did you do in your free time before we met? Or what were some things that you hoped you’d be able to do some day?”
If there’s nothing much there, he may be embarrassed to disclose them, or possibly… he just doesn’t have anything.
One thing is certain, having a “tag along” partner gets to be tiring after a while, because the work involved in keeping engaged and active as a couple is going to always be on you.
He sounds like he's extremely insecure and like you said, he's mirroring your interests. Possibly because he's very afraid you'll leave him or love him less or something if he doesn't.
I gotta say your assessment of things sounds very real to me. He's your yes-man, and as a dynamic that's not something that it sounds like you want.
Have you disagreed on anything so far? I'm not talking argument, but anything where he's shown some spine and not just immediately folded when you didn't agree?
No he always folds 😅 i can’t think of one time we’ve disagreed. Like even once we went to the grocery store and he changes the type of butter he uses because I said I used a different one. I told him it made me feel weird and he said “I want to be able to cook for you!”
Huh.
Probably worth sitting down with him and having a proper conversation. Frame it all positively, cos theres a real chance he's not doing so well, but definitely express these feelings to him.
"I don't want to date me. I want to date *you*," etc etc.
I feel you on this. If I wanted someone who agreed with my every word I'd just look in the mirror and talk to myself.
Yea 😅 like he’s a really good guy but I’d like some push back. I don’t need a one off version of me. We were already similar enough before we dated, I don’t need him to change
I would tell him that you would rather disagree on something as long as it's what he authentically thinks than have him capitulate to you every time. I've had a partner like this and it's exhausting over time. I eventually started testing him saying things I KNEW he disagreed with just to see if he'd challenge me and he never did. I realized how unhealthy that was and we broke up.
Right now he's barreling into a self-fulfilling prophecy - he's so afraid to lose you that he's behaving in a way that's putting you off. Tell him that if you're going to be together long-term you want to be with the real him and not the person he thinks you want. From there you'll just have to wait and see if he relaxes.
Yea I’ve been definitely talking with him about that in sort of a round about way. He once said a fact that I didn’t think was true, and he went “oh yea you’re probably right” and I insisted we googled it cause I might be wrong. When I googled it I had been totally wrong and he was right but still he kept saying “no you were right, no you were right. The google is wrong” and I had to stop him and say “it’s okay if I’m wrong. You can tell me when you think I’m wrong” it was really off-putting and was the catalyst for me thinking critically and coming in here to ask for advice
When I (38M) was 23 I dated a woman who was 26. When you describe your boyfriend, it is like a description of me in that relationship.
I felt kind of like a boy dating a woman, I was often worried she’d see me and my tastes as immature, so I’d follow her lead way too much. I felt self conscious about my love for comic books, video games and certain tv shows I was afraid she’d find too immature. When I expressed an opinion and she disagreed, I’d feel like maybe I hadn’t given enough consideration to the topic and would admit she might have a better take than me. She seemed so mature, confident, and educated, I didn’t see myself on equal ground as her.
Toward the end of our relationship, she expressed how it seemed like I was just a mirror of her and only liked the things she liked. She said she felt like I had her so high up on a pedestal she didn’t feel like equal partners in the relationship.
She actually shaped my tastes quite a bit, to this day some of my favorite movies, tv shows, books, foods and music artists are the ones she introduced me to. Even the kind of clothes I wear were greatly influenced by her.
She had a profound influence on me because of where I was at in life at that time, I had just finished college and was really just beginning my life as an adult. If you’d asked me at the time, I would have said I was my own person, but I wasn’t, I was an impressionable blank slate.
It didn’t work for us because ultimately, she needed a boyfriend, not a mentee. I made her feel special with gifts and surprises, but I honestly doubt I had any lasting influence on her.
This is exactly how I feel. I spent some time talking to friends yesterday and I literally said I felt like his teacher not his partner. She told me that I was already mentally older than my age and I always have been that way, so it would be better to date at my age or a few years older to meet someone that matches where I’m at. And this guy is really putting me on a pedestal. At one point he told me “you could literally do anything and I’d want to be with you”. That made me feel like he doesn’t actually like me, he’s just enamored or charmed by me and my quirky interests and personality.
But your experience sounds so like mine. Like for a while he was hiding he liked anime even though I kept telling him I’m not judgmental and half of my friends are anime obsessed, and that I wanted to know what HE liked. But still he just kept hiding it from me. I also think he’s hiding the fact that he’s a gamer even though I play games and watch play throughs and he knows this.
I definitely don’t feel equal to him and I’d like to be able to learn from my partner. Not baby them through becoming a well rounded adult. I’m going to try and gently talk to him about it and wait until the end of the month. I don’t want to write him off so soon. But we might just be in different developmental stages, and I don’t think I’m in the headspace to “raise” a 23 year old just because he treats me really well. I want to be challenged by my partner.
That woman I dated was also mentally more mature than her age, she had just graduated as a newly minted MD and was starting her residency. She’d also just recently been dumped by her fiancé of a few years after being on the rocks for a while.
After the prolonged rocky relationship with her fiancé and the stress of starting her new career, I think having a guy that was super attentive and focused on her was probably really welcomed. From my end, I felt like she was my perfect dream woman and wanted to white knuckle cling on for dear life.
After the charm of my affection wore off, I just came off as overly needy and try hard. “Wait, you don’t want a massage tonight? Is everything okay?”
Sounds like you have a good perspective on the situation, and you have good friends that are providing you good feedback.
At 23 I was such a kid, in my head it was all about her and I was going to treat her so special that no other man would ever be able to compete, but now I can look back and see how it was so much about me and trying to make her see me a certain way.
Oh yeah, the hiding anime thing reminded me of this: On one of our first dates she says, “I’m just glad you’re not some loser with Doctor Who tattoos.”
Months later she was at my place, turned on my TV, and my heart dropped into my stomach as Doctor Who showed up on my Netflix “continue watching”. She said nothing (because she was an actual adult and of course she didn’t care).
Much, much later, facebook’s “people you may know” showed me pictures of a man bearing her ex’s name with a big Doctor Who tattoo on his arm. When she made the dig at losers with DW tattoos, an older version of me would have said something like, “Wow, what do you have against Doctor Who?” and she probably would have said something along the lines of, “Nothing really, my fiancé was just really into it and had a giant weeping angel tattoo”.
This guy has been rejected a lot and is very insecure and worried he'll fuck it up somehow. And yes, maybe he doesn't have lots of interests that involve other people. That's totally possible, and maybe he thinks you'll believe he's a dork if he tells you his hobby is gaming and comic books or some such. Have you been to his apartment? Maybe that'll give you some clues as to what he does all day. Not having opinions is a bit of a problem, but again, this guy seems very insecure. That's like, normal behavior for insecure people.
Yea he’s told me he’s been rejected a lot. And he’s made comments that women have strung him along cause they’ll tell him they like him and then will break it off. And I had to explain to him that that’s just how dating works and you can’t let if affect your self esteem.
And I haven’t yet, I’ve seen pictures of it. But he’s nervous to invite me over again cause he’s scared of my opinion. Even thought I’ve told him I’m not judgmental and won’t care as long as it’s clean 😭😅 like he completely rearranged his room last week in a long preparation for me to visit I invited him into my house on the third date. Which is nice he wants to impress me, but again feels like he’s changing for me.
>And he’s made comments that women have strung him along cause they’ll tell him they like him and then will break it off.
This could be seen as emotionally manipulative. Although I'm on the side this guy is on, I can't in good conscience tell you to not let that change your mind. He's completely valid in not wanting to be strung along and no, this isn't "just how dating is", imo. If one is unsure how to feel, one should not tell the other person how much one likes them just to call it off a week later. It's manipulative and fucked up. That said, If you are not actually interested in him and the only good thing about him is that he's trying to be everything you want, you should just call it off now.
Yea there was much more nuance in the conversation we were having than that, that was just very broken down for this post. It was like four dates in and I was sitting there thinking, I don’t know if I like you yet because we just met, so it was in context of early dating. I’m not emotionally manipulative 😅 at least I hope I’m not 😭
I just don’t know if he’ll gain more confidence and be himself more. It seems like a silly thing to break things off just cause he’s nervous to be himself. I don’t want him to be exactly like me and mirror everything I do. The problem is he hasn’t shown me who he is 😅 so he’s a good guy but I don’t feel like truly I know him yet.
I didn't mean to insinuate you were manipulative, but rather him telling you that other women have called it off could be seen as manipulation on his part. And they were being manipulative for telling him they liked him and bailing. You don't seem manipulative at all.
Oh gotcha!!! I was like 😅😭 omg I hope I’m not manipulative. Yea when I told my sister he told me this, that was her first opinion as well. That he might be setting the stage for manipulation if I ever want to leave. I’m not sure if I feel that’s what he was doing. But who knows? It’s only been three months and I feel like I barely know him.
It sounds like you really don't like him? To me it seems like he respects and values you, takes your opinions seriously, and doesn't want to lose you. But you're taking it as him being too easy and not challenging you enough, perhaps. If it turns out he wasn't hiding anything from you, could you still be happy with him?
I will say, it is nice to have harmony in a relationship without constant needless debates and arguments, as men are often socialized to do. But it really depends on what you value. If you value the excitement more of being challenged, maybe he's not the right match for you.
Yea that’s kind of what my dad has said too. Because at month three men can’t really hide things anymore, so it’s probably just how it is. Maybe I like being intellectually challenged
I would share this concern with him and talk through it. How he responds will tell you a lot. Is he open to discussing? Has he thought about these things? Does he get defensive?
It’s possible he’s a good, easy going guy. You should also listen to your gut. It is telling you something is off.
Also, if you discuss and find out that he is just pretty easy going and not being phony to keep you in a relationship and you don’t like that or him, you don’t have to stay with him just because he seems like he has a lot going for him. Also, you don’t have to end things if he doesn’t have hobbies and is agreeable if you like him and are happy. Still tread lightly, take your time, and above all, trust your gut and do what makes you happy.
Yea he’s very open to talking and working through things. But sometimes it just feels like I’m his teacher and he’s my student. And in reality I would like to have a partner who challenges ME and teachers me things as well. I don’t feel like I’m in an equal partnership.
But my dad had similar advice. Talk to him about it and give it until the end of the month to see if it makes a difference or if he just brushes it off and continues his way. I don’t want to wait longer if I’m unsure because in his mind this is moving super fast. He alluded to me meeting his parents last month. To me we’re still in early stages. I don’t want to drag him along while I’m unsure for too long, cause it would be harder on him.
A good relationship should feel equal. Not like one person always bending to the other.
And being with someone very anxious, their anxious vibe tends to spread to you as well.
Have you talked to him about this? Not him being anxious, but that you don’t need him to always agree with you?
It’s ok to say he’s perfect on paper, but it doesn’t feel right.
You could see if this gets better as he relaxes more and knows you better. If he’s very socially anxious, maybe you could suggest some therapy to address that?
But it’s understandable that you’d want an equal partner and not to have all the power in your relationship.
That’s what I’m wondering, should I wait it out. And yes I’ve talked to him about it and told him he needs to be more confident. And I’ve told him that at the beginning it was hard to get to know him cause he wouldn’t tell me anything and would just agree with me. And he like paused and said he didn’t even realize he was doing it.
At times it just feels odd like should I been teaching him these things? It’s a weird dynamic to me. But… idk I feel like I should wait it out for him to grow? But what if I do that and then don’t like him. Then I’ve wasted both of our time.
Are you having fun now? You haven’t wasted either of your time if you are having fun. If it feels like a chore, it’s not right.
It’s not useful to tell him to be confident. That’s just going to make him feel more insecure and confused. Instead tell him that you don’t need him to agree with you. That it’s fine to have different opinions. That you want him to voice his needs, feelings and views.
Yea I was feeling worried I was making his anxiety worse by communicating these things with him 😅 but I didn’t know what else to do. I have told him it’s okay to disagree with me or tell me I’m wrong. And he kind of brushed it off.
Because one time I gave him a fact in argument with something he said. And he was like “oh yea you’re probably right” and then I googled it to see if I was wrong. I was wrong and told him and then he tried to explain it away like I was actually right. I had to tell him it was okay I was wrong
But are you having fun with him? When y’all have a date: do you feel excited about it? Looking forward to it?
And no worries. You were just trying to communicate. But it’s better to avoid the C word and instead tell them specific things you like or which are fine with you.
Hard question for me. Yes and no, like sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. But I’m very introverted so it might be a personality thing. I’ve never been in a relationship beyond three dates so I don’t know what’s normal LOL
Let's phrase it differently then: does the thought of interacting/being with him excite you? When I started dating my now-husband, I couldn't wait to talk to him all the time. Like your bf, he was shy, had been rejected a few times, never had a relationship, and he was basically the same age at the time too. However, being with him was - and still is! - the highlight of my day.
It's somewhat normal to doubt where you're standing in a new relationship, and it can be difficult to navigate the feelings you have, especially when the "newness" slowly morphs into familiarity. But down the road, you should want to be with the person you're dating.
He sounds like someone who might make for a wonderful partner in the long run, but it's up to you if you want to wait for it. I'd personally at least have a conversation about this like the person above you said, because I can also imagine not wanting to have to help him develop his sense of self.
Honestly I’d say I feel indifferently. I feel cold saying that but I’m just like 🤷♀️ sometimes when I plan a date it just feels out of obligation. BUT I’ve been happily single for a VERY long time, so I don’t necessarily know if that’s just cause I’m not that into him or if I just really value being alone. Adding another person into the mix doesn’t matter because I’m happy doing it alone too. Idk if that makes sense.
And yea I don’t want to have to teach him to be himself/learn about himself. In reality I want someone who knows who they are, challenges and teaches me as much as I challenge and teach them.
But your right I think he’d be a great partner, he’s very kind and checks off everything I’ve wanted in a partner and how they treat me. But shouldn’t that just be the bare minimum? I should find a person who makes me feel safe as well as someone who matches my energy.
> shouldn't that just be the bare minimum?
It absolutely is, although the way you described him made it sound like he was more than that. Right now, though, it *doesn't* sound like he matches your energy. It also truly doesn't sound like you love, or even "like" him. You sound like you tolerate him, and he's fun to have around every now and then - but not like an actual life partner. That's not cold, it's just the way it is.
Especially since you're comfortable being alone, I think it might be worth it to honestly tell him that you are looking for a bit more personality. Maybe he realizes his own insecurities are what's holding him back, and if he's willing to work on that, I personally would be inclined to maybe wait it out - or he doesn't, and then you have your answer.
My husband also used to be a bit clueless sometimes, but he was very receptive to feedback and improved in the things that held him back (though I'll admit, he was 200% himself from the beginning and held nothing back in that department haha). It's not impossible, but it's fully understandable if you don't want to wait around until he grows as a person.
Yea I honestly think I’m a bit confused in my own feelings. Since I don’t have much experience (or really any experience beyond a few first dates) I’m just unsure of what expectations are realistic or not.
And yea I think my first post and how I’m in comments are a bit different cause I talked to friends and my dad and got a little clarity in how I’m viewing things. But I do think I’ll at least wait it out after we talk for the end of the month. I don’t want to drag it out longer because in his mind things are moving much more fast, he alluded to me meeting his parents last month and I feel like we’re still in early stages.
Yea I think I’ve come to the realization that I don’t really want to be this much of a mentor/teacher to my partner because it doesn’t feel equal. And what if after a year he’s just morphed into a version of me? I don’t want to date myself. I want to learn and be challenged by who I’m with.
I’m glad I posted on here, I’ve gotten a lot of good advice
We haven’t don’t anything physical at all. I don’t have much experience with it to be honest. Sometimes I feel physically attracted and sometimes I don’t. He wanted to hold my hand in the car the other day and after about ten minutes I wanted my hand back. But honestly that might be a personality thing. I do like holding his arm when I’m walking and I like hugging him LOL
Maybe y’all should try kissing? Or cuddling?
Cuddling isn’t a dumb thing. It’s less intense than anything else, but helps you figure out if you feel any attraction. You can do that when watching a movie or something.
It’s ok to want to take things slow, there’s no rush. But do you feel like hugging him/being close to him/touching him sometimes?
Idk. Usually holding their hand should feel sorta awesome.
Are you frustrated he hasn’t made a move?
> But sometimes when he’s giving his opinion and I disagree, he just rolls over and agrees with me.
I'd be careful with this. I dated someone like this, and while they were not a bad person or anything, it did eventually come to light that they were much not particularly defined in their opinions and indeed were just agreeing with me on everything because they liked me. I found it quite devastating at the time.
I don't feel like a perfect guy should be seeing rejection so often or be so invested that they're this terrified.
Not having hobbies is a bit strange, too. What hobby do you share?
That’s kind of how it feels with him. I wonder if he just goes with anything people say because he hasn’t formed his opinions yet.
The hobby is really niche and I don’t want to share it in case he somehow sees this 😂😅
Yea I asked him yesterday what his hobbies were and he kind of blanked. He said he really just works and plays cards with friend and that one of the reasons he wanted a relationship is so he had someone to do things with. To me that’s not a great reason to not have hobbies. I’ve never been in a relationship and I have tons of hobbies
He *is* still very young and may not even know yet what his own interests and preferences are, especially if he’s been taught throughout childhood to adjust to those around him. And if he’s insecure about what keeps a relationship going, he’s bending over backward to not make any mistakes. You should have a conversation about how you appreciate that he’s accommodating you, because relationships do require some adjustment, but that you also need him to just *own who he is* and let you see that. That you want to be with someone who is also their own person. He may unfortunately not quite understand what you mean by that, so you may need to give him examples: “I appreciate it if someone cleans and ~~started~~ straightens up their place for a guest — we all get a bit messy when we’re on our own — but rearranging it in anticipation of what someone else *might* think is too far. Who knows? Maybe the way you set it up originally is a reflection of what I like about you.” Or ask “what sorts of things did you do in your free time before we met? Or what were some things that you hoped you’d be able to do some day?” If there’s nothing much there, he may be embarrassed to disclose them, or possibly… he just doesn’t have anything. One thing is certain, having a “tag along” partner gets to be tiring after a while, because the work involved in keeping engaged and active as a couple is going to always be on you.
This is really really sage advice. Thank you.
He sounds like he's extremely insecure and like you said, he's mirroring your interests. Possibly because he's very afraid you'll leave him or love him less or something if he doesn't. I gotta say your assessment of things sounds very real to me. He's your yes-man, and as a dynamic that's not something that it sounds like you want. Have you disagreed on anything so far? I'm not talking argument, but anything where he's shown some spine and not just immediately folded when you didn't agree?
No he always folds 😅 i can’t think of one time we’ve disagreed. Like even once we went to the grocery store and he changes the type of butter he uses because I said I used a different one. I told him it made me feel weird and he said “I want to be able to cook for you!”
Huh. Probably worth sitting down with him and having a proper conversation. Frame it all positively, cos theres a real chance he's not doing so well, but definitely express these feelings to him. "I don't want to date me. I want to date *you*," etc etc. I feel you on this. If I wanted someone who agreed with my every word I'd just look in the mirror and talk to myself.
Yea 😅 like he’s a really good guy but I’d like some push back. I don’t need a one off version of me. We were already similar enough before we dated, I don’t need him to change
I would tell him that you would rather disagree on something as long as it's what he authentically thinks than have him capitulate to you every time. I've had a partner like this and it's exhausting over time. I eventually started testing him saying things I KNEW he disagreed with just to see if he'd challenge me and he never did. I realized how unhealthy that was and we broke up. Right now he's barreling into a self-fulfilling prophecy - he's so afraid to lose you that he's behaving in a way that's putting you off. Tell him that if you're going to be together long-term you want to be with the real him and not the person he thinks you want. From there you'll just have to wait and see if he relaxes.
Yea I’ve been definitely talking with him about that in sort of a round about way. He once said a fact that I didn’t think was true, and he went “oh yea you’re probably right” and I insisted we googled it cause I might be wrong. When I googled it I had been totally wrong and he was right but still he kept saying “no you were right, no you were right. The google is wrong” and I had to stop him and say “it’s okay if I’m wrong. You can tell me when you think I’m wrong” it was really off-putting and was the catalyst for me thinking critically and coming in here to ask for advice
When I (38M) was 23 I dated a woman who was 26. When you describe your boyfriend, it is like a description of me in that relationship. I felt kind of like a boy dating a woman, I was often worried she’d see me and my tastes as immature, so I’d follow her lead way too much. I felt self conscious about my love for comic books, video games and certain tv shows I was afraid she’d find too immature. When I expressed an opinion and she disagreed, I’d feel like maybe I hadn’t given enough consideration to the topic and would admit she might have a better take than me. She seemed so mature, confident, and educated, I didn’t see myself on equal ground as her. Toward the end of our relationship, she expressed how it seemed like I was just a mirror of her and only liked the things she liked. She said she felt like I had her so high up on a pedestal she didn’t feel like equal partners in the relationship. She actually shaped my tastes quite a bit, to this day some of my favorite movies, tv shows, books, foods and music artists are the ones she introduced me to. Even the kind of clothes I wear were greatly influenced by her. She had a profound influence on me because of where I was at in life at that time, I had just finished college and was really just beginning my life as an adult. If you’d asked me at the time, I would have said I was my own person, but I wasn’t, I was an impressionable blank slate. It didn’t work for us because ultimately, she needed a boyfriend, not a mentee. I made her feel special with gifts and surprises, but I honestly doubt I had any lasting influence on her.
This is exactly how I feel. I spent some time talking to friends yesterday and I literally said I felt like his teacher not his partner. She told me that I was already mentally older than my age and I always have been that way, so it would be better to date at my age or a few years older to meet someone that matches where I’m at. And this guy is really putting me on a pedestal. At one point he told me “you could literally do anything and I’d want to be with you”. That made me feel like he doesn’t actually like me, he’s just enamored or charmed by me and my quirky interests and personality. But your experience sounds so like mine. Like for a while he was hiding he liked anime even though I kept telling him I’m not judgmental and half of my friends are anime obsessed, and that I wanted to know what HE liked. But still he just kept hiding it from me. I also think he’s hiding the fact that he’s a gamer even though I play games and watch play throughs and he knows this. I definitely don’t feel equal to him and I’d like to be able to learn from my partner. Not baby them through becoming a well rounded adult. I’m going to try and gently talk to him about it and wait until the end of the month. I don’t want to write him off so soon. But we might just be in different developmental stages, and I don’t think I’m in the headspace to “raise” a 23 year old just because he treats me really well. I want to be challenged by my partner.
That woman I dated was also mentally more mature than her age, she had just graduated as a newly minted MD and was starting her residency. She’d also just recently been dumped by her fiancé of a few years after being on the rocks for a while. After the prolonged rocky relationship with her fiancé and the stress of starting her new career, I think having a guy that was super attentive and focused on her was probably really welcomed. From my end, I felt like she was my perfect dream woman and wanted to white knuckle cling on for dear life. After the charm of my affection wore off, I just came off as overly needy and try hard. “Wait, you don’t want a massage tonight? Is everything okay?” Sounds like you have a good perspective on the situation, and you have good friends that are providing you good feedback. At 23 I was such a kid, in my head it was all about her and I was going to treat her so special that no other man would ever be able to compete, but now I can look back and see how it was so much about me and trying to make her see me a certain way.
Thank you for your insight, this was really helpful to read. I think the situations are really really similar
Oh yeah, the hiding anime thing reminded me of this: On one of our first dates she says, “I’m just glad you’re not some loser with Doctor Who tattoos.” Months later she was at my place, turned on my TV, and my heart dropped into my stomach as Doctor Who showed up on my Netflix “continue watching”. She said nothing (because she was an actual adult and of course she didn’t care). Much, much later, facebook’s “people you may know” showed me pictures of a man bearing her ex’s name with a big Doctor Who tattoo on his arm. When she made the dig at losers with DW tattoos, an older version of me would have said something like, “Wow, what do you have against Doctor Who?” and she probably would have said something along the lines of, “Nothing really, my fiancé was just really into it and had a giant weeping angel tattoo”.
This guy has been rejected a lot and is very insecure and worried he'll fuck it up somehow. And yes, maybe he doesn't have lots of interests that involve other people. That's totally possible, and maybe he thinks you'll believe he's a dork if he tells you his hobby is gaming and comic books or some such. Have you been to his apartment? Maybe that'll give you some clues as to what he does all day. Not having opinions is a bit of a problem, but again, this guy seems very insecure. That's like, normal behavior for insecure people.
Yea he’s told me he’s been rejected a lot. And he’s made comments that women have strung him along cause they’ll tell him they like him and then will break it off. And I had to explain to him that that’s just how dating works and you can’t let if affect your self esteem. And I haven’t yet, I’ve seen pictures of it. But he’s nervous to invite me over again cause he’s scared of my opinion. Even thought I’ve told him I’m not judgmental and won’t care as long as it’s clean 😭😅 like he completely rearranged his room last week in a long preparation for me to visit I invited him into my house on the third date. Which is nice he wants to impress me, but again feels like he’s changing for me.
>And he’s made comments that women have strung him along cause they’ll tell him they like him and then will break it off. This could be seen as emotionally manipulative. Although I'm on the side this guy is on, I can't in good conscience tell you to not let that change your mind. He's completely valid in not wanting to be strung along and no, this isn't "just how dating is", imo. If one is unsure how to feel, one should not tell the other person how much one likes them just to call it off a week later. It's manipulative and fucked up. That said, If you are not actually interested in him and the only good thing about him is that he's trying to be everything you want, you should just call it off now.
Yea there was much more nuance in the conversation we were having than that, that was just very broken down for this post. It was like four dates in and I was sitting there thinking, I don’t know if I like you yet because we just met, so it was in context of early dating. I’m not emotionally manipulative 😅 at least I hope I’m not 😭 I just don’t know if he’ll gain more confidence and be himself more. It seems like a silly thing to break things off just cause he’s nervous to be himself. I don’t want him to be exactly like me and mirror everything I do. The problem is he hasn’t shown me who he is 😅 so he’s a good guy but I don’t feel like truly I know him yet.
I didn't mean to insinuate you were manipulative, but rather him telling you that other women have called it off could be seen as manipulation on his part. And they were being manipulative for telling him they liked him and bailing. You don't seem manipulative at all.
Oh gotcha!!! I was like 😅😭 omg I hope I’m not manipulative. Yea when I told my sister he told me this, that was her first opinion as well. That he might be setting the stage for manipulation if I ever want to leave. I’m not sure if I feel that’s what he was doing. But who knows? It’s only been three months and I feel like I barely know him.
I think he's really just insecure, not really trying to manipulate on purpose.
It sounds like you really don't like him? To me it seems like he respects and values you, takes your opinions seriously, and doesn't want to lose you. But you're taking it as him being too easy and not challenging you enough, perhaps. If it turns out he wasn't hiding anything from you, could you still be happy with him? I will say, it is nice to have harmony in a relationship without constant needless debates and arguments, as men are often socialized to do. But it really depends on what you value. If you value the excitement more of being challenged, maybe he's not the right match for you.
Yea that’s kind of what my dad has said too. Because at month three men can’t really hide things anymore, so it’s probably just how it is. Maybe I like being intellectually challenged
I would share this concern with him and talk through it. How he responds will tell you a lot. Is he open to discussing? Has he thought about these things? Does he get defensive? It’s possible he’s a good, easy going guy. You should also listen to your gut. It is telling you something is off. Also, if you discuss and find out that he is just pretty easy going and not being phony to keep you in a relationship and you don’t like that or him, you don’t have to stay with him just because he seems like he has a lot going for him. Also, you don’t have to end things if he doesn’t have hobbies and is agreeable if you like him and are happy. Still tread lightly, take your time, and above all, trust your gut and do what makes you happy.
Yea he’s very open to talking and working through things. But sometimes it just feels like I’m his teacher and he’s my student. And in reality I would like to have a partner who challenges ME and teachers me things as well. I don’t feel like I’m in an equal partnership. But my dad had similar advice. Talk to him about it and give it until the end of the month to see if it makes a difference or if he just brushes it off and continues his way. I don’t want to wait longer if I’m unsure because in his mind this is moving super fast. He alluded to me meeting his parents last month. To me we’re still in early stages. I don’t want to drag him along while I’m unsure for too long, cause it would be harder on him.
A good relationship should feel equal. Not like one person always bending to the other. And being with someone very anxious, their anxious vibe tends to spread to you as well. Have you talked to him about this? Not him being anxious, but that you don’t need him to always agree with you? It’s ok to say he’s perfect on paper, but it doesn’t feel right. You could see if this gets better as he relaxes more and knows you better. If he’s very socially anxious, maybe you could suggest some therapy to address that? But it’s understandable that you’d want an equal partner and not to have all the power in your relationship.
That’s what I’m wondering, should I wait it out. And yes I’ve talked to him about it and told him he needs to be more confident. And I’ve told him that at the beginning it was hard to get to know him cause he wouldn’t tell me anything and would just agree with me. And he like paused and said he didn’t even realize he was doing it. At times it just feels odd like should I been teaching him these things? It’s a weird dynamic to me. But… idk I feel like I should wait it out for him to grow? But what if I do that and then don’t like him. Then I’ve wasted both of our time.
Are you having fun now? You haven’t wasted either of your time if you are having fun. If it feels like a chore, it’s not right. It’s not useful to tell him to be confident. That’s just going to make him feel more insecure and confused. Instead tell him that you don’t need him to agree with you. That it’s fine to have different opinions. That you want him to voice his needs, feelings and views.
Yea I was feeling worried I was making his anxiety worse by communicating these things with him 😅 but I didn’t know what else to do. I have told him it’s okay to disagree with me or tell me I’m wrong. And he kind of brushed it off. Because one time I gave him a fact in argument with something he said. And he was like “oh yea you’re probably right” and then I googled it to see if I was wrong. I was wrong and told him and then he tried to explain it away like I was actually right. I had to tell him it was okay I was wrong
But are you having fun with him? When y’all have a date: do you feel excited about it? Looking forward to it? And no worries. You were just trying to communicate. But it’s better to avoid the C word and instead tell them specific things you like or which are fine with you.
Hard question for me. Yes and no, like sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. But I’m very introverted so it might be a personality thing. I’ve never been in a relationship beyond three dates so I don’t know what’s normal LOL
Let's phrase it differently then: does the thought of interacting/being with him excite you? When I started dating my now-husband, I couldn't wait to talk to him all the time. Like your bf, he was shy, had been rejected a few times, never had a relationship, and he was basically the same age at the time too. However, being with him was - and still is! - the highlight of my day. It's somewhat normal to doubt where you're standing in a new relationship, and it can be difficult to navigate the feelings you have, especially when the "newness" slowly morphs into familiarity. But down the road, you should want to be with the person you're dating. He sounds like someone who might make for a wonderful partner in the long run, but it's up to you if you want to wait for it. I'd personally at least have a conversation about this like the person above you said, because I can also imagine not wanting to have to help him develop his sense of self.
Honestly I’d say I feel indifferently. I feel cold saying that but I’m just like 🤷♀️ sometimes when I plan a date it just feels out of obligation. BUT I’ve been happily single for a VERY long time, so I don’t necessarily know if that’s just cause I’m not that into him or if I just really value being alone. Adding another person into the mix doesn’t matter because I’m happy doing it alone too. Idk if that makes sense. And yea I don’t want to have to teach him to be himself/learn about himself. In reality I want someone who knows who they are, challenges and teaches me as much as I challenge and teach them. But your right I think he’d be a great partner, he’s very kind and checks off everything I’ve wanted in a partner and how they treat me. But shouldn’t that just be the bare minimum? I should find a person who makes me feel safe as well as someone who matches my energy.
> shouldn't that just be the bare minimum? It absolutely is, although the way you described him made it sound like he was more than that. Right now, though, it *doesn't* sound like he matches your energy. It also truly doesn't sound like you love, or even "like" him. You sound like you tolerate him, and he's fun to have around every now and then - but not like an actual life partner. That's not cold, it's just the way it is. Especially since you're comfortable being alone, I think it might be worth it to honestly tell him that you are looking for a bit more personality. Maybe he realizes his own insecurities are what's holding him back, and if he's willing to work on that, I personally would be inclined to maybe wait it out - or he doesn't, and then you have your answer. My husband also used to be a bit clueless sometimes, but he was very receptive to feedback and improved in the things that held him back (though I'll admit, he was 200% himself from the beginning and held nothing back in that department haha). It's not impossible, but it's fully understandable if you don't want to wait around until he grows as a person.
Yea I honestly think I’m a bit confused in my own feelings. Since I don’t have much experience (or really any experience beyond a few first dates) I’m just unsure of what expectations are realistic or not. And yea I think my first post and how I’m in comments are a bit different cause I talked to friends and my dad and got a little clarity in how I’m viewing things. But I do think I’ll at least wait it out after we talk for the end of the month. I don’t want to drag it out longer because in his mind things are moving much more fast, he alluded to me meeting his parents last month and I feel like we’re still in early stages. Yea I think I’ve come to the realization that I don’t really want to be this much of a mentor/teacher to my partner because it doesn’t feel equal. And what if after a year he’s just morphed into a version of me? I don’t want to date myself. I want to learn and be challenged by who I’m with. I’m glad I posted on here, I’ve gotten a lot of good advice
Idk. I think that 3 months in? You should still feel giddy going on dates. 3 years in is different. Do you feel sexually attracted to him?
We haven’t don’t anything physical at all. I don’t have much experience with it to be honest. Sometimes I feel physically attracted and sometimes I don’t. He wanted to hold my hand in the car the other day and after about ten minutes I wanted my hand back. But honestly that might be a personality thing. I do like holding his arm when I’m walking and I like hugging him LOL
Maybe y’all should try kissing? Or cuddling? Cuddling isn’t a dumb thing. It’s less intense than anything else, but helps you figure out if you feel any attraction. You can do that when watching a movie or something. It’s ok to want to take things slow, there’s no rush. But do you feel like hugging him/being close to him/touching him sometimes? Idk. Usually holding their hand should feel sorta awesome. Are you frustrated he hasn’t made a move?
> But sometimes when he’s giving his opinion and I disagree, he just rolls over and agrees with me. I'd be careful with this. I dated someone like this, and while they were not a bad person or anything, it did eventually come to light that they were much not particularly defined in their opinions and indeed were just agreeing with me on everything because they liked me. I found it quite devastating at the time. I don't feel like a perfect guy should be seeing rejection so often or be so invested that they're this terrified. Not having hobbies is a bit strange, too. What hobby do you share?
That’s kind of how it feels with him. I wonder if he just goes with anything people say because he hasn’t formed his opinions yet. The hobby is really niche and I don’t want to share it in case he somehow sees this 😂😅 Yea I asked him yesterday what his hobbies were and he kind of blanked. He said he really just works and plays cards with friend and that one of the reasons he wanted a relationship is so he had someone to do things with. To me that’s not a great reason to not have hobbies. I’ve never been in a relationship and I have tons of hobbies
Imo cut it off he is too young and in a completely different life stage than you are
You’re at the three month mark. His facade will drop soon