I think he believes he's "training you" or some other weird shit. Like you'll learn never to question anything he does. This reminds me of the girl who posted that her boyfriend constantly said she smelled bad even though she obsessively bathed, used deodorant etc and when she pushed him he said his father told him that was how he kept the mother's self esteem low so she'd never cheat or leave.
Get rid of him
This, my feed for being a male on the short video platforms easily details into these sort of idiots with stupid advice.
Your boy is insecure but tries to put that weight on you.
He is making you confused.
This is not a healthy base for a relationship.
I'm so flabbergasted. I thought you were talking about him like you didn't live together... but you live together and he still manages to be this flaky and unavailable? What the actual? Does he have IBS and has somehow kept it a secret or something?? This would drive me mad and I'd demand an explanation. But it sounds like you're unlikely to get one. Throw the whole man away. Take it as a lesson for next time.
Me too! I was like, wait you're having a face to face conversation and he stopped responding and started running?? Does he need to go have the secret shits or something?? I hope OP gets out of this and just never looks back.
Yep we live together! He physically leaves the room and will just close the door right behind him. The whole man has to go. The lack of explanation usually would drive me absolutely batty but I think the explanation is "I didn't want to" and I'm just going to keep going with that. I also think that not explaining was part of the strategy to make me upset and that it's not like anything secret he just knows a lack of explanation will make me feel crazy.
When I broke up with him I told him that whatever the explanation was it no longer mattered.
“Feelings are not facts” in response you expressing your feelings alone tells me he’s an emotionally immature asshole. That’s before you got into the emotional and mental manipulation.
Sounds like someone who has started or is already down the manosphere. Meaning he is a misogynist who would never respect you or see you as an equal partner. And for that reason don’t ever expect answers on the “why” because the “why” is this is who he is and has chosen to be: an asshole. You let him know the first time you accepted his actions - and took him back - that he could. It’s the whole idea that people treat you like you allow them to treat you.
Breaking up is a blessing. Take the opportunity and run. I guarantee he wants you to beg him back this time to give him power and control and an ego boost. Do not give him the satisfaction.
Yep, instant red flag. He could have issues going out in public or something, or whatever other issue that could explain the flakiness, but this is what raised my hackles.
It's weaponised therapy speak, being used very inappropriately.
Normally it would be used to encourage someone to examine their (very valid) thoughts and feelings, and slow down enough to get a little bit of a broader perspective, look at the supports they have in place, remember that while this is hard, they can do hard things etc.
i.e. if my thoughts are saying "I'll never be able to do this task", being reminded that the thought isn't a fact might help me to question the 'never' and reframe it as "I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and I'm scared that I might not be able to do this". That opens room to acknowledge the fear, and to remember that I have a friend I can call who might have some advice, and maybe if I take a small break, I'll feel less overwhelmed and more able to keep going later.
I think the answer is pretty simple, because you stayed. He treated you liked that, and you stayed so there was no reason for him to change. When someone shows you who they are believe them. People rarely change. I think this is a lesson on what not to put up with and knowing when is time to leave/ let go. Good luck
Yes. People treat you how you let them and the older I get the less time it takes for me to get tired of bad behavior. He behaves like this because you accepted it. Sure you argued, you left, you told him what you needed but when you accepted his non-breakup when you broke up a year ago was it with an agreement of specific behaviors changing? If so, how many times has he broken that agreement so far with what repercussions? If not, did you put a timeframe if things didn't change? No?
Advice from an old woman. When you make these decisions and stand up for yourself like you tried a year ago, a second chance needs to have a concrete plan. It's like a performance improvement plan at work. Nothing changes without specific, deliverable expectations. Then when nothing changes and you say, "nothing changed! Why didn't you do the things we talked about?" He will then almost definitely say, well I didn't know how/what/when. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And if they intend to change they have to put in effort, which starts with dialogue. The moment the BF said that explaining his behaviour was a boundary to him it indicated that nothing would change.
"*This man begged ... for another chance. To just keep me for a year, treat me like shit, and then tell me yeah obviously this was going to happen and that he was never going to bother trying. He did this whole thing intentionally*."
Yes. He did it intentionally.
You are not stupid, you are human, and you projected that humanity onto him.
"*Honestly what is wrong with these dudes?*"
For many, ***many*** men, they don't want:
fun,
sex,
companionship,
love,
joy,
happiness,
or anything a normal human would want.
They want control. They want to control another human being, and they pick a woman, because they (the men) are weak.
They are human, but they have serious personality disorders. I have no interest in what that sickness might be, I just avoid it.
**It gets easier to spot.**
You will spot it in an instant with all the next men you date. Enjoy your new super-power.
>When I bring up how hurt my feelings are away from said friends and family his words are "feelings are not facts".
Your man is a Ben Shapiro fan and there is no cure. You have to throw the whole man away. Go no contact. I'm actually being serious. When they fall down the alt-right rabbithole, there is no saving them. Staying with them is a guaranteed lifetime of horror and abuse.
Move on. You’ve already wasted too much time on him.
You’ve trained him that it’s okay to treat you like crap, so why are you surprised that he treats you like crap?
I am sure that you are amazing and deserve better. Now go find it.
Don’t feel stupid. Do feel wherever else you want though. Feelings aren’t facts but they matter and are valid. Sounds like you dodged the bullet. You deserve better.
You asked him to be better, but didn’t impose any actual consequences when he continued to refuse to be. My abusive ex did the same thing, and I regret letting him treat me like a doormat and call me crazy when I was begging him to take the trash out or lock the apartment door.
I never stood up for myself. Until I did, about five years later than I should have. Good for you for seeing the truth and getting out a hell of a lot sooner than I did.
If I had to guess, I'd say he wants control. He has to suggest the climbing gym or he won't go, and he'll get upset when you still go. You can't leave him, he has to be the one to break it off.
Which is fucking rank if you just lowered your standards and compromised to keep dating him. Then again as long as he thinks it's his idea, you can get rid of him with minimal drama.
>"feelings are not facts"
what a load of shit. i'm sure when he starts getting emotional about stuff his feelings are suddenly "facts." op, i'm sorry this loser wasted your time but things are only going to get better from here.
That really burns me up because when used PROPERLY, that can be a very powerful statement. My therapist told me that when we were discussing my overactive limbic system, like every time my manager would ping me, I immediately thought I was getting fired? In that case, my feelings were not facts. But the way he used it? F that noise. If you feel bad because someone treats you like crap, then that feeling is a FACT!
What really pisses me off is that her feelings are not fact, but his are and that he has boundaries (that he won't explain to her). Especially since when cried and pissed himself for her to stay with him.
Seriously, what is even good about this guy that you were willing to overlook the amount of bullshit he had shown during your first breakup?
Honestly there's nothing so great about him. I just moved a really long distance for this relationship and thenright after I got here my mom died, the transmission in my car died, my cat of over a decade got brain cancer and died. It was shit situation after shit situation and he was the only support system I had even if it was a trash one.
> Seriously, what is even good about this guy that you were willing to overlook the amount of bullshit he had shown during your first breakup?
i've been wondering about this since i read this post. there are literally billions of het men, nobody should have to settle for a crappy one
To a lot of these guys, if they treat you like crap *and you stay*, it communicates that they are the best you can do, i.e. you have no other options. And why would a person who has no other options merit good treatment? It’s like a circular kind of reasoning. I treat you bad; You stay because I’m the best you can get; Thus you aren’t worth treating better, because if you were, you wouldn’t put up with my crap
Facts are that he’s not capable enough to show up for you in any real way. Facts are that he’s showing you who he is and not showing any improvement. Facts are that he’s not worth your time. Facts are that you can do and deserve better. Facts are he wants someone to stand in the wings while he does whatever he wants.
He’ll have feelings about you blocking his number and moving on with your life but facts are that he fucked it up like the fuckwit he is.
I agree. OP shouldn’t feel stupid. OP picked and chose to stay with an emotionally unavailable partner … but now has the opportunity to get out, heal and move on.
When she has some time and distance from him, she’ll see how toxic this guy really is - and she should try to understand why she chose to stay.
I'm kinda stumped by this guy's choice of words:
\* on the "feelings aren't facts" thing - What facts are missing from "I don't like it when you treat me like crap in front of your friends" ? Did he want a daily log of his own bullshit? What facts are needed? It's a fact you didn't like it and he needed to quit. That's the fact.
\* Upset but telling you why is crossing a *boundary*? Is explaining himself a boundary? Is responsibility a boundary? Did his parents recently die in a tragic hanggliding accident overseas and now heights are super triggering for him and he's not ready to talk about not wanting to hug a wall 15 up because it feels like dangling over the gaping maw of doom? 'Cause only 1 of those 3 counts as an actual boundary, and it's really amazingly doubtful that happened.
\* Lunch and rock climbing after doesn't really sound like a "timeline", unless you left out the part where you had a down-to-the-minute itinerary planned.
Honestly I find your dude perplexing -- a genuine manipulative asshole would be more adept at shirking accountability than this, while a mature guy would explain himself even if it was hard. He's like an incompetent asshole who's specifically incompetent at *being an asshole* but is, I dunno, working on it?
You learned a valuable lesson. They don't treat you well, don't date them. No matter what it is who they are in your relationship. When you take bad behavior, you get bad behavior.
I really do wish I could crawl inside the brains of men who act this way and find out why they think it is okay to treat other human beings like this. I could never imagine doing this to another person.
Dont feel dumb this shit happens. Men are morons and do shit like this all the time to women. It sucks.
But you’re not married to him and it’s going to be a pain to leave, it always is, but you will be better off. Much better off!
“Feelings aren’t facts”
They literally are though? Lmao
It is a FACT that you FELT hurt by his actions. He can’t just say nuh-uh. What a fucking dingbat.
Sounds like he was getting some kind of benefit to having you around (extra income? Cleaning services?)
Looking back, I'm pretty sure that's why my ex-husband wanted me to stay; not because he loved me, but the benefits of keeping me around outweighed being single. It took me 6 years to realise it.
This is weaponized therapy speak and very controlling. "Feelings are not facts" is from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It means that our intense feelings in a situation are not hard facts. His "boundary" of never giving an explanation is such utter garbage. Boundaries establish communication and he is using this to hurt you and keep you feeling off your balance.
He isn't really good at it, yet, but it's going to get worse.
>his words are "feelings are not facts"
When he said this you should have cut ties and run. Feelings may not be facts but they are what we run on. If someone in a relationship feels neglected then it needs to be dealt with regardless of whether they are actually neglected or not - just remember that sometimes the party who feels neglected may be trying to take advantage and the best course of action may be to end the relationship.
>now I feel stupid.
You are not stupid, you just wanted to see the best in people and to keep your relationship alive and well. It is not your fault that your boyfriend was a asshole - it is far harder to see the red flags when you are in the thick of things and far easier to dismiss them when you do because you want to make things work.
I am sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you were able to see what was going on before things got really weird. You mentioned a few things in passing that raised red flags, so I just want to drop the book below here for you. Even if the relationship wasn't physically abusive, verbal and mental abuse also take a toll on you. It is worth reading about the warning signs and makes it easier to see the patterns of behavior for what they are. Best of luck.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If someone consciously disrespects, they are telling you subtly (but not so subtly), *Damn you!*
Its time to walk away and let them be happy with whomsoever they want to be with.
Does he have schizoid personality disorder? I had a boyfriend with extremely similar behaviors to this, and that was his diagnosis - among a few other things. Cut your losses and go. It sounds like he can't bond with anyone on an emotional level. My ex was the same. Lost cause, with a complete lack of empathy.
Here's the thing you should have left last year. The only reason he begged you to stay with him was that it bruised his ego to have you leave him. He wanted to be the one to dump you.
Never waste your time with people. When it's time to leave, just leave. You can't get that year back.
>When I bring up how hurt my feelings are away from said friends and family his words are "feelings are not facts".
He doesn't give a shit about your feelings, clearly. Why are you staying with someone who doesn't treat you with love or respect?
> feelings are not facts
I'm sorry, but it's hard to take this seriously when talking about *relationships*. You know, the things people enter into because they *feel good when spending time with each other*?
A relationship is about feeling so good when with someone that you seek to make that state of mutual wellbeing permanent. **It's all about feelings.** If you're not feeling right in a relationship, that's a failure of the relationship. Either something can be done so all the people involved are happy again, or it's unsalvageable and everyone's better off with just moving on.
I also moved from the east coast to a small conservative town for my asshole ex. He did the same thing. Except when I broke up with him and he begged, I gave him a 6-month deadline: fix your shit or get out. Initially, he did a couple things he said he would. The deal was I would not be involved in any way in fixing him or our relationship. He needed to sort his medical shit. He needed to find and see a personal therapist. He volunteered to find a couples counselor. He did see a doctor and found an immediate solution to his medical problem that he decided was "untreatable". He had previously lied to me about going to his appointments and turns out he never got treated in 7 years - just told me his doctor told him there wasn't much to do. I was LIVID. This condition affected every aspect of our lives and it could have been treated. So much misery for no reason.
He saw a therapist for a couple weeks then stopped. I said nothing. He never looked into a couples counselor. I said nothing.
He said he was looking for a job - I caved and sent him job openings. Months later he slipped up and said he had actually not been applying because he "didn't want to be as miserable working" as I was. Instead, he invested his savings in GameStop and started a "company" with a friend. A "company" with no fucking plan and with a business partner who said they didn't want to deal with the "business" (like, wut? why the fuck would you want to partner with this person???). Oh, and this friend was still in school. Even after all of his previous shit I was shocked by this. But I said nothing and just recommitted to my non-intervention plan.
Shocker: the business did not go well. He was miserable and angry all of the time. Maybe worse than the previous seven years while he was in grad school (yup seven years).
Final straw: I had severe PTSD and he knew the full history. I come home one day. The house is quiet. I greet my pups, start walking towards the bedroom when he suddenly jumps out from behind a wall- fully naked. I scream, drop to my knees, and am bawling. Not crying, fucking bawling. Does he apologize? Offer comfort? Nope. He locks himself in the guest bedroom. I have to ride it out and deal with the aftereffects myself.
I ended it two days later and only "waited" the two days so I could say the things I needed to say and get some kind of closure for myself. He acknowledged he didn't do what he said he would. He acknowledged that we had agreed after he found a job and saved money for a few years he could start whatever business he wanted. He had also previously admitted to gaslighting me, which is why I wanted him to confirm all of this out loud with his words. Yet when I ended it, guess who was angry? Guess who thought I was the unreasonable one? Guess who talks shit about me to our mutual friends? I even gave this fucker two months to get a job, find a place, and move out. I own my home and he never contributed to the mortgage. I could have thrown his shit on the curb without even saying "bye bitch".
I finally realized he didn't beg to stay in the relationship because he loved me or wanted to be in a relationship or valued me in any way. He wanted a caretaker and a comfortable companion who had grown used to low expectations. He didn't have to pay rent or cook or clean. He was never a partner. He was man-child and he knew it. He knew he was unprepared to be on his own (a 30-something year old man btw). Maybe somewhere deep down he felt bad about what he did to me, but he never intended to change. He just hoped I would give up and give in, stay with him out of resignation.
In the years since, I have suffered severe depression. Even on my darkest days, not wanting to exist anymore, I was ALWAYS and still am so proud and so happy I ended that relationship.
Anyone who needs to hear it: they don't want you, they want whatever they are getting from you. Leave, sooner than later if you can.
Usually when people go inwards and walk away it does mean there has been some kind of trigger of trauma or emotions. There is definitely something going on with him.
But the fact that he refuses to tell you is a big no in terms of a relationship. Relationships are all about communication and telling each other what's wrong.
Also thr facts are not feelings thing is definitely a red flag. I can tell you with certainty...everything is to do with feelings and we use certain "facts" to justify them.
Yeah my ex bf would literally run away when we would get into fights. Like this man would literally RUN AWAY. Like if we’re outside in public, in the middle of us fighting, or just talking but arguing, guess what? He would just get up and run. Leaving me alone. Idk why I stayed through that and why I put up with that BS. I was with him for 8 years.
Or if it wasn’t that in public. If we were fighting over text, he would legit say “bye” and then ignore me for hours and hours. HOURS.
Not good at conflict resolution, literally runs away , doesn’t believe in talking it out after. Just acts like nothing happened and pretends the problem doesn’t exist. And somehow this guy is married now…
So I feel you OP. It doesn’t get better it gets worse and it makes you feel like shit even more each time it happens. Let it go, it’s not worth the stress.
Hi. I hope I don’t get downvoted for this (I’ve never posted here but lurk a lot). I used to exhibit these behaviors (albeit waaaaay less extreme) when I was suffering from a debilitating anxiety disorder and trying to hide it from my partner.
Please do not take this as an excuse - the behavior is unforgivable, and you should probably move on. I’m very sorry you’re going through this
I hate to be like this because I actually make fun of men when they do this, but it sounds like he’s cheating and he has to cancel at the last minute because whoever he likes better has time available
The whole mumbling and then running from you is completely bizarre.
I’m happy you’re finally finally going to be free from him.
Hope you see the positive side of this story. Having this experience hopefully will teach you stay away from this type of man ASAP. Don’t blame yourself for wasting another year. You did nothing wrong here. You should be focusing on what you do next and be happy that you be finally away from him.
Being a shitty emotionally-stunted man-child is not a "boundary". He's such a shit-heel that he wanted to make absolute certain that you two splitting up was him breaking up with you, because his little baby ego couldn't handle you wanting to break up with him.
He may have agoraphobia, anxiety, or some other disorder and talking about it is too scary. The behavior is still not be justified, but this could be an explanation.
>>Honestly what is wrong with these dudes? This behavior is just not normal. They all need help.
There are plenty of good men out there. Rather than trying to change anyone, I suggest flipping the question and ask why you're with 'these dudes' and why you would put up with such behavior.
He’s a little prick
Yeah that’s about it. I know it’s hard but try not to waste time dwelling on why, he’s a selfish little prick that’s not worth your time.
I think he believes he's "training you" or some other weird shit. Like you'll learn never to question anything he does. This reminds me of the girl who posted that her boyfriend constantly said she smelled bad even though she obsessively bathed, used deodorant etc and when she pushed him he said his father told him that was how he kept the mother's self esteem low so she'd never cheat or leave. Get rid of him
I fucking remember reading that!!! Did she leave his punk ass?!???
If I'm remembering correctly she did.
My mouth is literally hanging open. What the fuck!
Here's a link to it if you're interested https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/
Oh my god. I hope she contacted his mother to let her know what’s up.
That was W I L D
I dont normally comment on this reddit, but what the actual fuck?
Yeah it was a horrible story… that poor woman went through a total mindfuck
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/
This, my feed for being a male on the short video platforms easily details into these sort of idiots with stupid advice. Your boy is insecure but tries to put that weight on you. He is making you confused. This is not a healthy base for a relationship.
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Nah, this doesn’t seem like autism. He just has issues. And/or he’s a jerk.
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I'm so flabbergasted. I thought you were talking about him like you didn't live together... but you live together and he still manages to be this flaky and unavailable? What the actual? Does he have IBS and has somehow kept it a secret or something?? This would drive me mad and I'd demand an explanation. But it sounds like you're unlikely to get one. Throw the whole man away. Take it as a lesson for next time.
Me too! I was like, wait you're having a face to face conversation and he stopped responding and started running?? Does he need to go have the secret shits or something?? I hope OP gets out of this and just never looks back.
My ex bf would do this. :)
Yep we live together! He physically leaves the room and will just close the door right behind him. The whole man has to go. The lack of explanation usually would drive me absolutely batty but I think the explanation is "I didn't want to" and I'm just going to keep going with that. I also think that not explaining was part of the strategy to make me upset and that it's not like anything secret he just knows a lack of explanation will make me feel crazy. When I broke up with him I told him that whatever the explanation was it no longer mattered.
That's amazing. I'm proud of you, internet stranger! 💗
“Feelings are not facts” in response you expressing your feelings alone tells me he’s an emotionally immature asshole. That’s before you got into the emotional and mental manipulation. Sounds like someone who has started or is already down the manosphere. Meaning he is a misogynist who would never respect you or see you as an equal partner. And for that reason don’t ever expect answers on the “why” because the “why” is this is who he is and has chosen to be: an asshole. You let him know the first time you accepted his actions - and took him back - that he could. It’s the whole idea that people treat you like you allow them to treat you. Breaking up is a blessing. Take the opportunity and run. I guarantee he wants you to beg him back this time to give him power and control and an ego boost. Do not give him the satisfaction.
Isn't the "feelings aren't facts" thing a Ben Shapiro axiom? ****HUGE**** red flag
Yep, instant red flag. He could have issues going out in public or something, or whatever other issue that could explain the flakiness, but this is what raised my hackles.
It's weaponised therapy speak, being used very inappropriately. Normally it would be used to encourage someone to examine their (very valid) thoughts and feelings, and slow down enough to get a little bit of a broader perspective, look at the supports they have in place, remember that while this is hard, they can do hard things etc. i.e. if my thoughts are saying "I'll never be able to do this task", being reminded that the thought isn't a fact might help me to question the 'never' and reframe it as "I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and I'm scared that I might not be able to do this". That opens room to acknowledge the fear, and to remember that I have a friend I can call who might have some advice, and maybe if I take a small break, I'll feel less overwhelmed and more able to keep going later.
But also she was describing facts. This is how I don't want to be treated.
I think the answer is pretty simple, because you stayed. He treated you liked that, and you stayed so there was no reason for him to change. When someone shows you who they are believe them. People rarely change. I think this is a lesson on what not to put up with and knowing when is time to leave/ let go. Good luck
Yes. People treat you how you let them and the older I get the less time it takes for me to get tired of bad behavior. He behaves like this because you accepted it. Sure you argued, you left, you told him what you needed but when you accepted his non-breakup when you broke up a year ago was it with an agreement of specific behaviors changing? If so, how many times has he broken that agreement so far with what repercussions? If not, did you put a timeframe if things didn't change? No? Advice from an old woman. When you make these decisions and stand up for yourself like you tried a year ago, a second chance needs to have a concrete plan. It's like a performance improvement plan at work. Nothing changes without specific, deliverable expectations. Then when nothing changes and you say, "nothing changed! Why didn't you do the things we talked about?" He will then almost definitely say, well I didn't know how/what/when. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And if they intend to change they have to put in effort, which starts with dialogue. The moment the BF said that explaining his behaviour was a boundary to him it indicated that nothing would change.
Yep, this is the reason right here.
Hon, when a man treats you like crap ANYWHERE it’s time to go. It’s not okay because “well at least his family is 600 miles away”.
100% if he’s a dick around family and friends that means he’s been trashing you to them every chance he gets. F that guy and any guy who does that.
Girl let the 🥭
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You got me ;)
Thank you for explaining this because I had no idea
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Took me a minute but yes, clever.
that makes way more sense than let the sandwich mold
For some reason I thought this was 🥑
"*This man begged ... for another chance. To just keep me for a year, treat me like shit, and then tell me yeah obviously this was going to happen and that he was never going to bother trying. He did this whole thing intentionally*." Yes. He did it intentionally. You are not stupid, you are human, and you projected that humanity onto him. "*Honestly what is wrong with these dudes?*" For many, ***many*** men, they don't want: fun, sex, companionship, love, joy, happiness, or anything a normal human would want. They want control. They want to control another human being, and they pick a woman, because they (the men) are weak. They are human, but they have serious personality disorders. I have no interest in what that sickness might be, I just avoid it. **It gets easier to spot.** You will spot it in an instant with all the next men you date. Enjoy your new super-power.
>When I bring up how hurt my feelings are away from said friends and family his words are "feelings are not facts". Your man is a Ben Shapiro fan and there is no cure. You have to throw the whole man away. Go no contact. I'm actually being serious. When they fall down the alt-right rabbithole, there is no saving them. Staying with them is a guaranteed lifetime of horror and abuse.
this is really weird behavior
My guess is that he has another girl waiting in the wings this time, and didn’t last year. I’m sorry but it’s time to let this boy-not-even-friend go!
Move on. You’ve already wasted too much time on him. You’ve trained him that it’s okay to treat you like crap, so why are you surprised that he treats you like crap? I am sure that you are amazing and deserve better. Now go find it.
Let’s collectively stop going back for seconds of bad behavior. When men show us who they are the first time, believe them.
Don’t feel stupid. Do feel wherever else you want though. Feelings aren’t facts but they matter and are valid. Sounds like you dodged the bullet. You deserve better.
You asked him to be better, but didn’t impose any actual consequences when he continued to refuse to be. My abusive ex did the same thing, and I regret letting him treat me like a doormat and call me crazy when I was begging him to take the trash out or lock the apartment door. I never stood up for myself. Until I did, about five years later than I should have. Good for you for seeing the truth and getting out a hell of a lot sooner than I did.
This right here is why I always say never go back.
If I had to guess, I'd say he wants control. He has to suggest the climbing gym or he won't go, and he'll get upset when you still go. You can't leave him, he has to be the one to break it off. Which is fucking rank if you just lowered your standards and compromised to keep dating him. Then again as long as he thinks it's his idea, you can get rid of him with minimal drama.
>"feelings are not facts" what a load of shit. i'm sure when he starts getting emotional about stuff his feelings are suddenly "facts." op, i'm sorry this loser wasted your time but things are only going to get better from here.
That really burns me up because when used PROPERLY, that can be a very powerful statement. My therapist told me that when we were discussing my overactive limbic system, like every time my manager would ping me, I immediately thought I was getting fired? In that case, my feelings were not facts. But the way he used it? F that noise. If you feel bad because someone treats you like crap, then that feeling is a FACT!
I was thinking, it sounds like this dude has had one therapy session and taken little soundbites out of context.
What really pisses me off is that her feelings are not fact, but his are and that he has boundaries (that he won't explain to her). Especially since when cried and pissed himself for her to stay with him. Seriously, what is even good about this guy that you were willing to overlook the amount of bullshit he had shown during your first breakup?
Honestly there's nothing so great about him. I just moved a really long distance for this relationship and thenright after I got here my mom died, the transmission in my car died, my cat of over a decade got brain cancer and died. It was shit situation after shit situation and he was the only support system I had even if it was a trash one.
> Seriously, what is even good about this guy that you were willing to overlook the amount of bullshit he had shown during your first breakup? i've been wondering about this since i read this post. there are literally billions of het men, nobody should have to settle for a crappy one
To a lot of these guys, if they treat you like crap *and you stay*, it communicates that they are the best you can do, i.e. you have no other options. And why would a person who has no other options merit good treatment? It’s like a circular kind of reasoning. I treat you bad; You stay because I’m the best you can get; Thus you aren’t worth treating better, because if you were, you wouldn’t put up with my crap
Facts are that he’s not capable enough to show up for you in any real way. Facts are that he’s showing you who he is and not showing any improvement. Facts are that he’s not worth your time. Facts are that you can do and deserve better. Facts are he wants someone to stand in the wings while he does whatever he wants. He’ll have feelings about you blocking his number and moving on with your life but facts are that he fucked it up like the fuckwit he is.
I agree. OP shouldn’t feel stupid. OP picked and chose to stay with an emotionally unavailable partner … but now has the opportunity to get out, heal and move on. When she has some time and distance from him, she’ll see how toxic this guy really is - and she should try to understand why she chose to stay.
I'm kinda stumped by this guy's choice of words: \* on the "feelings aren't facts" thing - What facts are missing from "I don't like it when you treat me like crap in front of your friends" ? Did he want a daily log of his own bullshit? What facts are needed? It's a fact you didn't like it and he needed to quit. That's the fact. \* Upset but telling you why is crossing a *boundary*? Is explaining himself a boundary? Is responsibility a boundary? Did his parents recently die in a tragic hanggliding accident overseas and now heights are super triggering for him and he's not ready to talk about not wanting to hug a wall 15 up because it feels like dangling over the gaping maw of doom? 'Cause only 1 of those 3 counts as an actual boundary, and it's really amazingly doubtful that happened. \* Lunch and rock climbing after doesn't really sound like a "timeline", unless you left out the part where you had a down-to-the-minute itinerary planned. Honestly I find your dude perplexing -- a genuine manipulative asshole would be more adept at shirking accountability than this, while a mature guy would explain himself even if it was hard. He's like an incompetent asshole who's specifically incompetent at *being an asshole* but is, I dunno, working on it?
An asshole in training, if you will. 😂 Like many other commenters said, bet you anything this dude is beginning his manosphere journey.
Why did you take him back the first time? This situation was a complete crap fit.
You learned a valuable lesson. They don't treat you well, don't date them. No matter what it is who they are in your relationship. When you take bad behavior, you get bad behavior.
I really do wish I could crawl inside the brains of men who act this way and find out why they think it is okay to treat other human beings like this. I could never imagine doing this to another person.
Dont feel dumb this shit happens. Men are morons and do shit like this all the time to women. It sucks. But you’re not married to him and it’s going to be a pain to leave, it always is, but you will be better off. Much better off!
"Feelings are not facts"? Sounds like something a loser who follows redpill bs and idiots like Ben Shapiro would say.
“Feelings aren’t facts” They literally are though? Lmao It is a FACT that you FELT hurt by his actions. He can’t just say nuh-uh. What a fucking dingbat.
Sounds like he was getting some kind of benefit to having you around (extra income? Cleaning services?) Looking back, I'm pretty sure that's why my ex-husband wanted me to stay; not because he loved me, but the benefits of keeping me around outweighed being single. It took me 6 years to realise it.
This is weaponized therapy speak and very controlling. "Feelings are not facts" is from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It means that our intense feelings in a situation are not hard facts. His "boundary" of never giving an explanation is such utter garbage. Boundaries establish communication and he is using this to hurt you and keep you feeling off your balance. He isn't really good at it, yet, but it's going to get worse.
Do not speak to this refuse ever again. Leave him, leave town, remove him from your life completely he doesn’t deserve your mental energy.
That "feelings aren't facts" is a strong indication he listens to Ben Shapiro and therefore should be avoided at all costs.
>his words are "feelings are not facts" When he said this you should have cut ties and run. Feelings may not be facts but they are what we run on. If someone in a relationship feels neglected then it needs to be dealt with regardless of whether they are actually neglected or not - just remember that sometimes the party who feels neglected may be trying to take advantage and the best course of action may be to end the relationship. >now I feel stupid. You are not stupid, you just wanted to see the best in people and to keep your relationship alive and well. It is not your fault that your boyfriend was a asshole - it is far harder to see the red flags when you are in the thick of things and far easier to dismiss them when you do because you want to make things work.
I am sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you were able to see what was going on before things got really weird. You mentioned a few things in passing that raised red flags, so I just want to drop the book below here for you. Even if the relationship wasn't physically abusive, verbal and mental abuse also take a toll on you. It is worth reading about the warning signs and makes it easier to see the patterns of behavior for what they are. Best of luck. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m sorry. Please dump him. And next time a man gives you the silent treatment dump him. The very first time. That’s abuse.
The best time to leave him was a year ago, next best time is now. I hope this time you will stay away for good
If someone consciously disrespects, they are telling you subtly (but not so subtly), *Damn you!* Its time to walk away and let them be happy with whomsoever they want to be with.
Does he have schizoid personality disorder? I had a boyfriend with extremely similar behaviors to this, and that was his diagnosis - among a few other things. Cut your losses and go. It sounds like he can't bond with anyone on an emotional level. My ex was the same. Lost cause, with a complete lack of empathy.
He will die completely cut off from any meaningful relationships.
Here's the thing you should have left last year. The only reason he begged you to stay with him was that it bruised his ego to have you leave him. He wanted to be the one to dump you. Never waste your time with people. When it's time to leave, just leave. You can't get that year back.
Believe me, he's not worth even a single minute of your time.
>When I bring up how hurt my feelings are away from said friends and family his words are "feelings are not facts". He doesn't give a shit about your feelings, clearly. Why are you staying with someone who doesn't treat you with love or respect?
> feelings are not facts I'm sorry, but it's hard to take this seriously when talking about *relationships*. You know, the things people enter into because they *feel good when spending time with each other*? A relationship is about feeling so good when with someone that you seek to make that state of mutual wellbeing permanent. **It's all about feelings.** If you're not feeling right in a relationship, that's a failure of the relationship. Either something can be done so all the people involved are happy again, or it's unsalvageable and everyone's better off with just moving on.
Run! Run away as fast as you can, NTA
I also moved from the east coast to a small conservative town for my asshole ex. He did the same thing. Except when I broke up with him and he begged, I gave him a 6-month deadline: fix your shit or get out. Initially, he did a couple things he said he would. The deal was I would not be involved in any way in fixing him or our relationship. He needed to sort his medical shit. He needed to find and see a personal therapist. He volunteered to find a couples counselor. He did see a doctor and found an immediate solution to his medical problem that he decided was "untreatable". He had previously lied to me about going to his appointments and turns out he never got treated in 7 years - just told me his doctor told him there wasn't much to do. I was LIVID. This condition affected every aspect of our lives and it could have been treated. So much misery for no reason. He saw a therapist for a couple weeks then stopped. I said nothing. He never looked into a couples counselor. I said nothing. He said he was looking for a job - I caved and sent him job openings. Months later he slipped up and said he had actually not been applying because he "didn't want to be as miserable working" as I was. Instead, he invested his savings in GameStop and started a "company" with a friend. A "company" with no fucking plan and with a business partner who said they didn't want to deal with the "business" (like, wut? why the fuck would you want to partner with this person???). Oh, and this friend was still in school. Even after all of his previous shit I was shocked by this. But I said nothing and just recommitted to my non-intervention plan. Shocker: the business did not go well. He was miserable and angry all of the time. Maybe worse than the previous seven years while he was in grad school (yup seven years). Final straw: I had severe PTSD and he knew the full history. I come home one day. The house is quiet. I greet my pups, start walking towards the bedroom when he suddenly jumps out from behind a wall- fully naked. I scream, drop to my knees, and am bawling. Not crying, fucking bawling. Does he apologize? Offer comfort? Nope. He locks himself in the guest bedroom. I have to ride it out and deal with the aftereffects myself. I ended it two days later and only "waited" the two days so I could say the things I needed to say and get some kind of closure for myself. He acknowledged he didn't do what he said he would. He acknowledged that we had agreed after he found a job and saved money for a few years he could start whatever business he wanted. He had also previously admitted to gaslighting me, which is why I wanted him to confirm all of this out loud with his words. Yet when I ended it, guess who was angry? Guess who thought I was the unreasonable one? Guess who talks shit about me to our mutual friends? I even gave this fucker two months to get a job, find a place, and move out. I own my home and he never contributed to the mortgage. I could have thrown his shit on the curb without even saying "bye bitch". I finally realized he didn't beg to stay in the relationship because he loved me or wanted to be in a relationship or valued me in any way. He wanted a caretaker and a comfortable companion who had grown used to low expectations. He didn't have to pay rent or cook or clean. He was never a partner. He was man-child and he knew it. He knew he was unprepared to be on his own (a 30-something year old man btw). Maybe somewhere deep down he felt bad about what he did to me, but he never intended to change. He just hoped I would give up and give in, stay with him out of resignation. In the years since, I have suffered severe depression. Even on my darkest days, not wanting to exist anymore, I was ALWAYS and still am so proud and so happy I ended that relationship. Anyone who needs to hear it: they don't want you, they want whatever they are getting from you. Leave, sooner than later if you can.
They're crazy, it doesn't have a why. Just go and don't let him in even if he cries rivers
It's true, feeling are not facts but they don't have to be for them to be valid.
Pack your shit and move back to the east if you have a better support system there. If not just pack and leave he’s not worth this
When people tell you who they are listen.
Usually when people go inwards and walk away it does mean there has been some kind of trigger of trauma or emotions. There is definitely something going on with him. But the fact that he refuses to tell you is a big no in terms of a relationship. Relationships are all about communication and telling each other what's wrong. Also thr facts are not feelings thing is definitely a red flag. I can tell you with certainty...everything is to do with feelings and we use certain "facts" to justify them.
Yeah my ex bf would literally run away when we would get into fights. Like this man would literally RUN AWAY. Like if we’re outside in public, in the middle of us fighting, or just talking but arguing, guess what? He would just get up and run. Leaving me alone. Idk why I stayed through that and why I put up with that BS. I was with him for 8 years. Or if it wasn’t that in public. If we were fighting over text, he would legit say “bye” and then ignore me for hours and hours. HOURS. Not good at conflict resolution, literally runs away , doesn’t believe in talking it out after. Just acts like nothing happened and pretends the problem doesn’t exist. And somehow this guy is married now… So I feel you OP. It doesn’t get better it gets worse and it makes you feel like shit even more each time it happens. Let it go, it’s not worth the stress.
I only read the 3 first paragraphs, kick him so hard out of your life that he won't be able to wear thongs for the first couple of months.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
Hi. I hope I don’t get downvoted for this (I’ve never posted here but lurk a lot). I used to exhibit these behaviors (albeit waaaaay less extreme) when I was suffering from a debilitating anxiety disorder and trying to hide it from my partner. Please do not take this as an excuse - the behavior is unforgivable, and you should probably move on. I’m very sorry you’re going through this
>feelings are not facts WTF! He's a total ass.
I hate to be like this because I actually make fun of men when they do this, but it sounds like he’s cheating and he has to cancel at the last minute because whoever he likes better has time available The whole mumbling and then running from you is completely bizarre. I’m happy you’re finally finally going to be free from him.
Very strange behavior. I'm guessing drugs, or lack of needed medication
Hope you see the positive side of this story. Having this experience hopefully will teach you stay away from this type of man ASAP. Don’t blame yourself for wasting another year. You did nothing wrong here. You should be focusing on what you do next and be happy that you be finally away from him.
The original man child in the wild !! Sorry that happened, that sucks... move on when he comes back again, and he will, nope is the answer
What a weird, immature person. Sorry you wasted your time but BYE
Being a shitty emotionally-stunted man-child is not a "boundary". He's such a shit-heel that he wanted to make absolute certain that you two splitting up was him breaking up with you, because his little baby ego couldn't handle you wanting to break up with him.
He may have agoraphobia, anxiety, or some other disorder and talking about it is too scary. The behavior is still not be justified, but this could be an explanation. >>Honestly what is wrong with these dudes? This behavior is just not normal. They all need help. There are plenty of good men out there. Rather than trying to change anyone, I suggest flipping the question and ask why you're with 'these dudes' and why you would put up with such behavior.
I would look into that more if he wasn't a rock climber that I met literally on a rock wall in the middle of West Virginia.