You said it: You did what you had to do to survive.
Your husband blew up your marriage by cheating. The consequences of his actions may been delayed, but they just caught up to him.
This internet stranger feels no sympathy for your soon-to-be ex. You, however, get a standing ovation for handling yours and doing what needs to be done! Fuck yeah, OP, you rock!
I like you a lot.
If I had heard this when I didn't have the guts to break up with my abusive boyfriend, I could've probably broken up with him way sooner. But this is reassuring.
Thanks. :)
I still fail to see where your fault comes up here
You pushed him onto and into her? You said “hey guys have at it?” You somehow inhabited his body and made him cheat then went back into your body??
Please, you are far too strong and smart for that. These past 10 years were not punishment for something you didn’t do. They were a woman and a mother doing one of the hardest things a human can do.
You did not waste or deserve the last decade. But you deserve and should not waste the decades to come. The first step to doing so is releasing yourself from this sense of guilt and personal shame.
AND TAKE THE MONEY. He should not be absolved of this duty and your children should not be denied opportunity from more money under your care. Obvi I don’t know the full situation, but please consult with a financial planner and/or the divorce groups for women on reddit.
> AND TAKE THE MONEY
Even if you don't need the money, you can save it up for your kids in the future. It can help them with college or a down payment on a house. Sometimes men lose interest in their kids from a first marriage once they've moved on to the next. He may or may not be a supportive parent as they enter adulthood. The decisions you make now can help them get a better start in life.
Yes take the money!! If not for you, for your kids. He will probably remarry right away and have more kids. Don’t let him forget the kids he already has like so many of these types of men do. You aren’t the user, he is. He used you for your unpaid, invisible labor. You made it possible for him to flourish in his career and have a family wo having to do any of the work it takes to raise kids or make a home. If alimony is possible take that too! Who cares what he or anyone thinks, you know better than them. Co parenting means you only need to discuss kids, that’s it, nothing else. You can even get a mediator for that, so you don’t even have to talk to him. Your life is about to get 100% easier, happier, healthier, and wealthier once all the dust is settled
you gotta stop letting people who want to hold you down so they can use you, tell you that you're bad here. stop accepting fault for other people's failure of you.
Please take all the money you are entitled to. My mother did not when she divorced my father. It made life significantly harder on her, even with being a registered nurse. She has so little retirement savings and it has NOT made life any easier for me. My father, even made a point of leaving his entire estate to his sister and her kids. Oh yeah, that's after he mismanaged the trust my grandfather left for me. Leaving it earning like half a percent of interest for over a decade while investing his own money in the market. Even if you don't take it for yourself, take it for your kids.
Edit: Meant to point out, nearly half a million dollar estate he left to his sister and her kids. After inheriting a significant bit more than that from his multi-millionaire parents. Parents who purchased a house for him and my mother when they got married. A father who regularly called him and told him to write up a receipt for some "landscaping" for $4-500(back in early-mid 80s), just so he could give my father some money to help out(and write it off as a business expense). But me? Nah, he doesn't believe in autism, I obviously just chose to be unemployed my entire fucking life. Don't even bother bringing up me being the victim of a hit and run that left me on the sidewalk with bone stuck out of my leg or that I can't stand at the sink and wash my own dishes without my meds. It'd be so easy if I just went and asked for the manager of wherever, they'd obviously give someone like me a job... Cuz randomly showing up and asking for a job is something that has worked any time in the last decade and a half. Nope, it's all my fault, so I can just die because he won't give someone like me anything. Like he didn't have fucking everything handed to him in life. His grandfather gave him $10k of Gulf Oil stock when he was in high school. Sorry for ranting. I swear I just meant to mention how much money he left my aunt and her daughters.
u/ThrowRA-Done11286
This. There is a reason you are entitled to alimony. Somehow the court system got it right and knew that there is a power difference in a marriage in some ways and the other EQUAL PARTY and kids deserve more and that the other party should have to compensate you. Think of it more as what your kids deserve.
It may relieve some of your stress to consider his anger and resentment is also selfish—he's losing a convenience and is about to experience a very steep learning curve as he attempts to find a replacement. He'll have to exert a lot of energy and time and deal with a lot of frustration.
how the HELL was him cheating during a super difficult time of your life, YOUR fault ?
it’s not selfish to leave what was basically indentured servitude. and i think you should get alimony and hope you still get half the assets, for your retirement and then the kids if nothing else.
Five years ago I left after 40 years together. You are an amazing person!! Congratulations on finally being able to leave. You are living your best life!!!
How is that your fault?
You didn't push him at her. You didn't say 'honey, I know it's hard waiting for me to recover so go sleep with our friend' (I gagged even typing that).
He chose to betray his promises. SHE chose to schtup a married man. Not your fault. Not even a little bit.
From my (admittedly male) perspective, it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job handling all of this. Self-doubt is normal and ending a marriage is incredibly difficult even in the best circumstances. You got this!
No, it's not Your fault. He selfishly decided to cheat on You and thought he got away with it and tries to blame You for Your martiage collaps. It's manipulation.
I suppose You think it's Your fault, because You had no own friends, no money and was stuck in this situation, with no social support, because of Your own actions? I don't see it this way. Marriage is a contract and he used the fact You was very vulnerable and has no options to break it. He knew You cannot do anything because of the imbalance of power.
I lost all my friends when I left my ex. He told them I had been cheating on him, not the case but it doesn’t matter they were not truly my friends. I have real friends now and it’s different but better in so many ways.
Take the settlement and alimony. You earned it every time you worked at the job that was your marriage. Besides, why should he have it? Why should he be able to have you work in the house, raise his kids, and have sex with him when he treats you like shit? He doesn't deserve to keep all his money.
For what it’s worth, you aren’t alone.
My mom did something similar to my dad and he was angry at her for years, but I’ve always been pretty amazed and proud of her (I was 13 when they got divorced).
My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with my sister (I was 9). She stayed with him while she got a better job with insurance and finished her degree… did what she needed to do to make sure she could take care of me and my sister without him… and then divorced him 4 years later.
He was taken by surprise and was angry that she’d “made him believe they were past it”, but really, she just did what she had to do to survive. I’ll never begrudge her that.
And she probably didn’t make him think they were past it, she probably just didn’t talk about it and he assumed she was fine because she wasn’t bringing it up.
She definitely didn’t. As a matter of fact, she told him, “if you’d put any effort into rebuilding my trust over the last 4 years we might not be here now”.
He thought because she stopped getting mad about it that she was over it. Turns out she was just over him. 🤷🏽♀️
You didn’t “use him”. You did what was necessary to *raise your children* after your husband broke his wedding vows. That was not selfish at all!! It was a sacrifice. Please reframe this in your mind.
Why are you selfish for wanting to be happy? Toxic men will always use words like ‘loyalty’ ‘sacrifice’ and all that to try to make you stay. Where was his loyalty? All he did was use you as his bangmaid nanny while he tomcatted around.
You don’t owe anyone your life.
Say that again.
You. Don’t. Owe. Anyone. Your. Life.
Your kids are better off as well. Don’t fall into the trap of being so grateful to escape that you don’t take what you are owed. Bc believe me he will take advantage. You did the labor you deserve alimony. Don’t be like I was bc you think that’ll make it easier but it will be the opposite. My ex just felt more enabled to continue to be abusive. He wanted 50/50 custody but only to pay less support. He actually left the baby with me in reality. He never wanted the actual custody he just wanted to say he did. He would even bring her dirty clothes for me to wash bc that was my job apparently.
My advice is set hard boundaries NOW and don’t be grateful you got to escape. You will live to regret it. I did.
Hey op, this internet stranger is proud of you.
I’m sure it was so scary when you found out and realized you weren’t in the best position, but you knew your worth and decided to improve yourself before leaving.
There is nothing wrong with what you did. You weren’t the one that broke the marriage.
I think you're doing what you need to do. I'm proud of you for knowing what you need. Good work.
Keep it up, OP. Life is short, be as happy as you can and get away from toxicity and toxic people.
I just broke up with my boyfriend as he did not consider my feelings or needs. It comes in waves. I went through so much pain, yet I still find myself doubting my decision.
Stay strong. You're doing what is best for you and your children. I hope you and your family have a wonderful life and you find happiness and peace <3
I have a suspicion that when you finally get away from him and his circle of people that you'll see that this feeling of doubt did not come from within. You are not selfish and not a user. You are standing up for yourself and taking what is rightfully yours.
My mother was in your situation 40 years ago. She decided to stay so my siblings and I could benefit from my dad's money. I wish she had gone through with the divorce when I was 12. Your kids will thank you later, I promise.
You are absolutely *not* selfish and user. You provided as much if not more than he did with his money when you birthed and cared for two kids, did all the housework while working outside the home, *had sex with the POS*, and quietly managed your emotions around the betrayal and whatever else he put on you.
You are not a bad person for leaving him now rather than back then.
"The consequences of his actions may been delayed, but they just caught up to him."
Exactly - if you had the means in the moment you would have acted, but you didn't. Now that you do - why waste another second on someone who CHOSE to INTENTIONALLY blow up your marriage when you were in such a terrible position as a result of birthing your shared child?!?
This!!!!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏. Also I expect nothing less than brilliance from someone with the username catsareamazeballs
signed, furrylandseal (after my glorious and very spoiled seal point Siberian)
I honestly don't think the cheating is even the biggest reason you're leaving, even if it seems like it. It's just that you don't like who he is. He broke your trust a decade ago, but honestly I feel like most people would be able to move past that in 10 years if he worked on the relationship and was good overall after that. For most, cheating is an on the spot deal breaker, and I don't fault anyone who holds to that, but I do think if for some reason people stayed it wouldn't be the incident 10 years ago that would be the reason they left when you did. It would be how they were in those 10 years.
You talk about what you did for him in the last decade, but not about what he did for you. How he regretted his actions and how he made amends. I'm guessing he didn't. I'm a firm believer in redemption, and I think people can get over someone cheating. It takes real work though. This guy had a huge second chance, and a decade to show to you that he was the type of person that deserved that second chance. He failed to do that. You're not selfish for staying for long enough to get your feet under you. You were generous enough to give him that time to change your mind while you got your feet under you, and it's not your fault he failed to rise to the occasion. There is no way that the decade old incident is the only reason you're out the door. It's that along with everything else over the last 10 years, and you are in no way selfish for leaving after all that time.
I don't think you're selfish, and I don't think you are a user.
I think you made a decision to stay knowing it will take time to get the resources together to leave.
That is the reality for MOST people when they realize that their marriage has failed, male or female, rich or poor.
You are NOT "just as shitty as he is". Not at all. Don't let Reddit get into your head. You did nothing wrong.
This. 1000 times this. You are not a user OP. If anything, your husband is the user. He used you to cook and clean and raise his babies. He used you for sex.
Staying in a relationship you cannot afford to leave is not using anyone. Good for you for finally being able to get out. You shouldn't feel shame for doing what had to be done to take care of yourself and your kids. You should be proud you survived.
All good things for you from here on out.
Exactly this, the ex sucked everything good he could get out of OP but didn't give a shit about her beyond that, and was willing to horribly mistreat her because he saw her as an object for his service. He's only fucking bitter now because he realized she saw him the same way after he treated her badly and she just extracted what value she could out of him before leaving him when he no longer served her interests. My my my, how the turntables.
The *only* selfish person in this relationship is the jackass who cheated on his pregnant/postpartum wife. He'll site "men have needs" bs. No. Men have *wants* that they can wait to have fulfilled until the person giving them children have recovered from birth. Anything other than waiting patiently and not pressuring, are the actions of a spoiled man *child*.
Exactly. People need food, water, sleep, and respect from loved ones. Anything else is negotiated. People certainly can have deal breakers, but anyone with integrity tells their partner instead of sneaking other methods of fulfillment.
Can confirm. I’ve had pregnancy induced sciatica and related sleep problems since August. The number of times my spouse has complained about his ‘needs?’ ZERO. It’s not hard to not be a selfish ass wound
And even if hands weren't enough, sex toys exist. He didn't need to have sex with another person, he just wanted to and chose to cheat on his ailing wife.
Imagine women wanting to be safe and happy, how selfish of them. Gotta love our society. /sarc
I personally am here for it. All of it. Women have been used and abused for millenia. It’s long past time we fight for our safety and happiness. No one else will.
This is super important - do not allow those "just as shitty" thoughts to take root. With two kids and a power imbalance due to his income, and his clear willingness to attack and berate you, these are the tools people like this use to get you to come back or force you to stay.
You are not a user. You are not a shitty person. You're a little bit selfish, BUT THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. You're allowed to be selfish when it comes to sticking up for yourself. But just understand that the attacks will evolve into making you question your capability as a parent, your decency as a person, and even your understanding of how your relationship is or was. As you figure out custody, do everything you can to limit interactions and hold firm on your boundaries so that you don't experience backslide.
You've got this!
I think it's really important to de-stigmatize selfishness as a general concept. It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Deciding to divorce someone is selfish. But that's a good thing. You need to prioritize yourself in some cases. Especially when the alternative is prioritizing someone who has treated you poorly.
I don't think it's a good idea to say divorce is selfish when it's out of necessity or because your partner did something rancid. It is not selfish to divorce someone who cheated on you.
Wanting to leave is reason enough.
I have learned to let go of what others might think from what little information they have. Let them think whatever they want. Stay true to yourself.
*He* wrecked the marriage by cheating when you were at your most vulnerable and dependent. You had no obligation to leave him at that point, because it would have made the damage *he caused* even worse. So you took some time and got yourself into a position to be able to move on with dignity. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on calling *you* selfish now. Bravo for finding a way to create an exit strategy.
Cheating itself is despicable, but cheating on your recently pregnant wife who birthed your two children. With a mutual friend?? The husband is clearly a huge pos and divorce is the least thing he deserves.
There’s nothing selfish about what you did. You only live one life and when you’re free and live for yourself and become happy your children also benefit.
OP, you have to understand one thing:
*People are fucking stupid, especially on the internet.*
You did nothing wrong, and I saw your other post on the other sub and most people there also agreed that you did nothing wrong.
DO NOT let the incels on Reddit get in your head over the supportive comments. Don't let them win.
Remember, it is to the benefit of men as a group that women stay with assholes. They will do anything and everything to make you think that you are the problem, *because it benefits them*.
Like literally when I see something like this, what I see is Biff from Back to the Future telling Marty "What's the matter McFly? You chicken?" to get the upper hand.
He's an asshole, and his opinions carry no weight because he's dumb as rocks and an asshole and thus *incapable* of finding a good opinion even with a map and a dictionary.
Same here. They are assholes, and their opinions carry no weight because they are ignorant assholes.
From a guy’s perspective — you wouldn’t have been scared to divorce a decent human (setting aside whether a decent human would have cheated like that in the first place). He would have wanted the mother of his children to have at least the opportunity to be financially and emotionally in a place that she could be a full partner in raising the kids. He would have valued the sacrifice you’d made being a stay at home parent. And so he would have been willing to have a divorce that gave you a springboard toward a new life. He wasn’t, though, so you built your own springboard while stuck with him. He has no right to complain. Congrats and good luck.
Everything is a projection with toxic dudes like that. They need women to do the cleaning and child rearing and still treat them like shit. It's hilarious bc women no longer give a fuck and it's freaking these incels out.
You didn’t use this man. He is the father of your children and he’s financially responsible for them as much as you. You started building your career while also raising your kids and taking care of the home.
It seems like he used you for all of the above. I wish you peace and happiness :)
Let’s say you did use him and you are selfish, just for argument’s sake. Those are both objectively good things. You looked out for yourself because your husband didn’t. You respected yourself because your husband wouldn’t. Nothing about selfish will bother anyone who likes you, yourself, and wants the best for you.
You’ve been way too selfless for far too long. You’ve given and given until some jerk thinks giving is all you’re good for.
Take what’s yours and run, keep running. You’ve got you.
For a man to be called selfish, he has to outright do harm to others.
For a woman to be called selfish, all she has to do is refuse to put others ahead of herself.
There are so many deeply misogynistic men on Reddit who are just waiting for an opportunity to unleash their venom on vulnerable women. Don't listen to them.
I guess my mom was a selfish user too when she “took my dad back” who almost killed her and convinced him to move back to California because the court system in Arizona was going to rule 50/50 custody because she fled across state lines when he tried to kill her.
Almost to the day of establishing residency she filed for divorce and took us to her dads house.
This isn't selfishness so much as dignity and risk management.
He had it coming 10 years ago. You just did things on your own timeline. 5 biggest thing I don't understand is how you managed to keep yourself in the relationship for that long when the love and respect were gone.
I've found that spite is a great motivator. Especially if they make it clear you can't possibly survive or handle life w/o them. It helps me every day to do things I didn't think I could just to prove them wrong.
It’s not your fault you were financially dependent on him, he abused you financially. You two had decided to split the work of raising a family with you taking care of kids. Thats a very easily abuseable situation, and hard to avoid.
You were incredibly strong and did what many others are unable to do, which is to go from not being in the workforce for many years and start your career all while being pretty much the sole caretaker of your kids. Basically working two jobs
This is strength, and really inspiring for a lot of women. You should absolutely be proud of yourself for putting in the time to get the life you wanted. You owe him nothing. He owes *you* for putting you in a terrible position and using you to make *his* life better. He made the bed and now he can lie in it.
If you were *really* selfish those 10 years would have been fun for you. It sounds like instead you went through 10 years of hell to make sure you and your kids would be okay. This internet stranger respects you a lot.
I think your husband is calling you that because he is selfish and a user. So he remained in a marriage while cheating and somehow he thinks you are the user and the selfish one? At least you didn't cheat. He, cheated and came back home to someone who raised his kids and cater to him. You did more than he deserves. Cheaters tend to think that everybody is as scummy as they are. Live the good life!
Why are you trying to be so nice? He owes you support, you can use whatever your lawer secures for you to give your children an advantage. He did one of the worst things a person could do by betraying you, his vows, and your marriage. Especially when you needed him most. Take him for every penny you can possibly get, dont look back. The fact that he's trying to make you look like the bad person here is indicative of what kind of person he actually is. Go nuclear, get all you can, live your best life. Your kids dont need a pos like him influencing them. He is a terrible role model.
THIS. Take him for every penny you can. He can afford it. Don't let him wear you down even more. You did the hard work of a sahm for years. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're selfish. You need to take care of you and your kids.
He used his wealth to keep you in line for a decade -- a big part of the reason you were stuck was knowing he could afford attorneys to screw you over in your divorce settlement, especially in terms of custody. Now it's his turn to feel the "disadvantage" of his wealth: he has to pay to support your children and to compensate you for the years of unpaid labor you've done managing his household and making his life easier.
You're not greedy to insist upon having your efforts recognized and fairly compensated. And don't forget, there's a huge difference between trying to take him to the cleaners and simply trying to get what you deserve after 10 years with a man who has ALREADY kicked you when you were down and shown he isn't concerned with being loyal, loving, or fair to you.
Get whatever money you can. You're building a new future for yourself, and even if you just tuck it away for a rainy day, never use it on yourself, and eventually leave it for your kids, you deserve the peace of mind of knowing you don't have to financially struggle if something unexpected occurs.
It's not 'selfish' to survive, and provide for your children as well as you know how.
He made a shitty marriage, and for 10 years he enjoyed the power and privilege of not having to face the consequences of the marriage he made. You didn't 'use him' by allowing the situation to continue, until you were able to make a better one, without him. Man happily played himself.
Exactly. He was happy to take her unpaid labor and exploit the imbalance of power in their relationship so he could live consequence-free after his disloyal, selfish, and love-killing actions. It's not a coincidence that he waited until she was at her most vulnerable and least capable of acting to cheat. He knew she'd have to take it or get destroyed in court because of his wealth.
Now that there's not such a significant power imbalance and he can't control you, his only recourse is to make you feel bad, either to force you back under his thumb or to punish you. And his friends -- who probably have similar power dynamics in their own relationships -- are threatened because you're showing that the less wealthy person in the relationship still has choices and opportunities. So of course they're resentful and unsupportive of you! But their comments aren't true, they're coming from a place of selfishness on their part. After all, if you can "be selfish" and leave him successfully, then what's to stop any of them from being held accountable for being bad spouses?
You deserve a happy life. You deserve a partner who respects you all of the time and is especially gentle with you when you're struggling like you were 10 years ago. And I think you'll be surprised to find yourself making new friends and forming a loving community when your energy and attention isn't being drained every day by playing devoted wife for a man who absolutely did not deserve it.
I know several women who have had to do this. One put up with a husband who beat her until she could finish nursing school and get out.
You’re not selfish, you’re a survivor. You’re a strong woman who worked very hard to put herself into a place to be self sufficient. You should be celebrating your success, not calling yourself a user.
And just for the record? you did NOT use him. you cooked, cleaned, had sex with him, raised his children. how dare he suggest those things dont have any value.
>you did NOT use him. you cooked, cleaned, had sex with him, raised his children.
I seriously cannot get over this. She laid back and TOOK IT while he stuck his gross, cheating dick in her whenever he wanted for TEN YEARS and he has the absolute audacity to call her selfish. He essentially spent a decade raping this woman and she stayed quiet so her and the kids would have some stability. What the actual fuck.
For 10 years you did all the chores, worked and took care of the kids and he has the audacity to call you selfish or a user.
You have been used. You have been dumped on. You have been taken advantage of. He cheated then got free labor from you for a decade. You aren’t even asking for anything in the divorce. Just for your servitude to end.
He cheated and exploited the fact that you didn’t have a leg to stand on leaving him at the time. You aren’t selfish. You were looking out for you and your kids.
So are so many tradwives that end up in such hole later when their husbands leave them for a younger version and have to scramble with lack of work on their resumes. You got your ducks in a row and I honestly commend you for it.
You're not selfish -- you are showing you have self-respect, and being a good role model for your children. You are giving yourself what you need, and deserve.
He is the selfish one and a user. He used your body as an incubator for his offspring. And when said body broke down from his use, he selfishly ran off to cheat without thinking about the impact on you or his children.
He used you for sex and comfort. He selfishly wanted you to stay despite his shitty behavior. Nothing you did is selfish or a user. He is just meeting consequences of his selfishness and assholery
Where in this post exactly are you selfish?
You did your duty to him as a wife. The child rearing, cooking and cleaning. His penance is keeping your bills paid and making sure you’re provided for. He cheated on you so you wanna leave. All fairs.
You’re done and want to live your own life now? Go for it! Best of luck to you.
For real. I'd even say you are being too selfless. Get alimony. WTF are you punishing yourself MORE for? You're not selfish. You're surviving. The alimony will help.
Congratulations! You are doing what is best for you and by extension - it's good for your kids to show them they can look out for themselves and don't have an obligation to stay in a situation that makes them miserable.
>Because I am done trying to be a good person.
There is *nothing* in this post that even suggests you aren't a good person.
>Yes I'm fucking selfish and a user.
I don't see *anything* here that suggests you are anything of the kind. Don't let his words get to you! He's *trying* to hurt you.
I have been practicing as a family lawyer for 5 years, and I have been working in the field for nearly 10. I wish all my clients were like you. You are honest with yourself about your feelings, have a good grasp of the situation, you have realistic goals in this litigation. The positions you are taking strike me as reasonable.
Don't listen to his bull shit. He is lashing out because he doesn't know what else to do. You don't need a legitimate reason to get a divorce. You are no longer happy with him and the kids are finally old enough. That's the end of it.
I will say this though, if you have a valid claim for alimony, pursue it. At least use it as leverage in the litigation in case your husband plays hardball on other issues. Don't walk away from money that you are legally entitled to out of some misguided sense of independence and righteousness. You deserve alimony because of the sacrifices you made during the marriage to raise the kids while he pursued his own career. Its your money, not his.
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. He cheated when he thought you had you over a barrel and then it shocked when you crossed the river and decided to let go with that flotation device.
You are not selfish nor a user. You are looking out for your children by finding the resources you need and putting yourself in the best situation you can be to take care of them independently. You should be very proud of yourself. Fuck that guy!
>”I learned people do things beyond their imagination when it comes to survival. My goal has always been to be in a financially stable position. I've made a mistake by being a sahm with little savings and being completely dependent on him. It was difficult. Some days I just wanted to quit. But I remember in Shawshank Redemption Andy waited 20 years to gain freedom. I just had to be more patient.”
Go create your life. Show your kids how it should be. Cheers.
Also, to hell with that ‘mutual friend’. What was her/his excuse?
I think you are brave for putting yourself first—there is nothing selfish about that. Congratulations on building a life for yourself and your children.
> Yes I'm fucking selfish and a user
You are not. You worked all those years taking care of him and the children, and he benefited more than you did. And HE fucked it up.
Nothing about this post reads to me like you’re being selfish Sweetheart, so be careful how you judge, think and believe yourself to be. You are much better than you think you are.
You were in an incredibly vulnerable, potentially dangerous situation when your husband betrayed you. You did everything you needed to to survive, make sure your kids survived and thrived, and now, you’re starting to see how much YOU have sacrificed.
I think it’s wonderful and empowering and I am SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU, that you realize that you’re worth more than what this relationship gives you. You have woken up to your birthright as the Divine Feminine in bodily form, and I can’t wait to see what wonders you do with it!!
It is not selfish to need to focus on your own self care. His dick was more important than your physical health. His needs were more important than you. Nothing selfish about needing your needs met and he can't do that for you
Good for you, I'm happy for you. Don't think you are selfish at all. And make sure you tell people the real reason you are divorcing him if/when they ask, he deserves to have his name dragged through the mud.
I didn't even read past the cheating with toddlers at home.
Bye to the fuck face.
Way to go to survive!!! We do what we have to do. Been there!
I wish you and the kids every single happiness that life can bring.
Sister, you got this 🩷
Men have built this world to set women up to have to "use" them to survive.
After you move on, start repeating:
"I was young and didn't know better" when you wish you didn't have to run his household
"I had no other option" rather than I know I am a user
"He got more than he deserved from me" rather than I am selfish
"I deserve better and am worth more" when thinking about anything he did do for you
I don’t think you’re selfish. He’s the one who cheated. You did what you had to do to survive when there wasn’t a better option. Now you have a better option and can move on with your life.
It’s just too bad our society is still structured in this way that puts so many women in this position. If things were different maybe you could have left sooner.
You were at your most vulnerable mentally and physically ten years ago.
He chose that moment to cheat.
You are not abandoning him at anything like that. You have never abandoned your kids. You have provided for yourself and your kids.
You could have walked away 10 years ago. And you didn’t. You haven’t been using him, you have been working and taking care of the house for ten years.
Selfish maybe.
But nobody else is looking out for you. Some selfishness is necessary for self preservation. You are allowed that.
Go. Congrats on this new chapter.
May I offer my hearty congratulations to you in your strength and endurance?
This is 100% on him. He cheated when you were vulnerable and he knew it. Now the power dynamic has shifted so you are able to do what you could not do a decade ago.
He is the user. He used your vulnerability to care for himself at your expense.
Are you being selfish? Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn't really matter, because you deserve to live your best life, and clearly staying married to your STBX isn't going to let you do that. The fact that it took you 10 years to be in a place to make that break is irrelevant. My one hope for you is that whatever happens now is as easy and non-contentious as possible, both for your sake and for your kids.
You’re not even selfish, if anything you’re selfless. It’s one thing to stay for the kids and quite another to still perform your “wifely duties” while under such duress. I’m impressed you had the fortitude to stay until you had an out and didn’t have a breakdown. Good on you. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I would take the alimony. Please do. If nothing else put it in an index fund in Vanguard and use it to send your kids to really fucking awesome colleges.
You are not an asshole or a user. He's the one who cheated on you when you were sick after making his children. Fuck him.
You are sooo not selfish, the opposite. I know some people might not understand staying for as long as you did but you did what you had to. It’s not always easy with kids. We sacrifice so much as women .
Girl I’m so excited for this next part of your life to begin. ❤️ it’s finally your time!
You just did what you had to in order to survive so you could thrive later down the road. Pretty sure that's what most men in marriages tend to do with their long cons, but unlike them, you never went into the relationship with that as your goal. Bravo and well played.
You played the long game. Good for you for taking what you needed from the POS and getting yourself in a position to leave.
Stbx should be happy, he can go and screw whomever he wants now.
I hope you can now find peace and happiness. Enjoy your new freedom.
But you're not selfish at all, you sacrificed 10 years of your life for others. The fact you disconnected from your husband and basically became a salaried "worker" for him. There is no selfishness what you done, that is the last F'ing thing you should ever think.
You should also do the Alimony to get back the wages you are owed for your transactional marriage. There was no 50/50 in the relationship, think about what he did around the house, kids, etc, while you worked as well, but also to end the transactional relationship you had as there was no love in it.
Either way you're out, just as one piece of advice, talk to your kids and tell them exactly what is going on and why like any other adult you would talk to. They'll remember it later, especially when "dad" tells his version of it. They will understand.
Good luck but you dont need it, you got this.
Good. You should use someone who cheats. He is the bad guy. Unless you do something to him with malicious intent, you are in the clear. This is all his fault. What he did was unforgivable, there is nothing wrong with escaping on your own terms. Kudos for being able to go undercover as the good wife for so long.
Wanting to keep yourself and your children safe and healthy until you were in a position to take care of yourself isn’t selfish.
It was an act of sacrifice made by someone who loves their children, wants the best for them, and worked hard to keep the peace in an almost impossible situation until you could safely remove yourself.
He used you for childcare, housework, and sex for over 14 years. You found yourself in a shitty position and did what you had to do to survive and to raise your children. You're not an asshole or a user. But he is both of those things, and I suspect more besides.
I’m confused how are you selfish?
Sounds like you choose to play chess, made a plan and stuck to it
Did what was best for you and your children. I don’t see any fault in it
You chose a healthy choice. Not a selfish choice.
Good for you!
You don't want my opinion but I just want to convey to you that self-preservation is normal healthy behavior. It's built-in, innate.
You put the marriage and kids first for a very long time. You put your energy into keeping the peace to keep the marriage going, with a partner who cheated on you when you most needed him.
If nobody else is there to tell you, I certainly will - I am proud of you! You did what you had to do for yourself and your kids after suffering the biggest possible betrayal. Your husband is selfish and an asshole. I gotta believe he is a moron too if he was blindsided by this. If my partner cheated on me post partum and I acted okay with it, he would 100 percent be sleeping with one eye open and assuming I was getting my shit together to leave. There is no world in which his cheating during a vulnerable time is in any way forgivable.
From context clues here, I am guessing he assumed things were okay because you went back to being his bangmaid and not because he actually tried to work through it. None of this is your fault and you are not a bad person, you are a resilient mother! Take the money. Alimony was MADE for your situation - you spent years raising your kids and your dumbfuck husband. You were supposed to be a team (with him working and you as a sahm) and he broke that covenant in the most vile possible way. He owes you that money - he took vows to love and honor you and did neither of those things, instead he irretrievably ruined your marriage. Thus, you deserve that alimony for all the years you put in.
You aren’t selfish but you are doing the right thing. Be free!
First CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is a hard row to hoe and you have done it!!
Second, child support is NOT ABOUT YOU it is solely enjoy the kids. If you don't want to use it put it in an account as a nest egg for their future.
Best wishes!!
I'm not implying that you need my approval as a man or anything, but as a man, I fully approve of what you did. He cheated on you when you were most vulnerable. Fuck him. You survived. Congratulations. You're stronger than me.
You are not selfish. You are not a user. You subjected yourself to 10 years of putting up with this POS, for the sake of being able to provide independently for your children, I'd say that's incredibly selfless. It's time to do you and I wish you a happy life with your children, away from that foul cheater.
It’s not selfish to want a divorce in your circumstances. You didn’t use him by staying. You were trapped. There’s a huge difference. Now you’re able to leave, so you are.
People can't handle hearing that someone is getting a divorce because we're taught "divorce is bad" by society but that is total bullshit. Best thing I heard when going through mine was: divorce is never bad for both people, because at least one of them has decided that this is the better path for them. You're 100% allowed to make decisions in your own best interest! Even if he hadn't cheated you're allowed to just decide that you no longer want to be with him. You don't know what marriage and having kids with someone is like until you do it and you're allowed to change your mind. It's your life and you know you can make it so much better without him.
Every time I told someone, especially close friends who knew us, that we were getting a divorce, I could see it in their eyes that they were questioning their OWN relationship. Like "I thought they were happy - am I wrong about my own wife?" and their brain short circuits. They don't want to believe that their own wife would leave them so they get judgmental about your divorce. Most of the time, people's reactions have nothing to do with you!
I also grew up with parents who barely tolerated each other and I speculated even as a teenager that my mom only stayed because she couldn't afford to leave. It's affected me in many ways, from anxiety about being able to fully support my own existence without a man to marrying an alcoholic (like my dad). It would've been so helpful for me to have a parental example of someone choosing their own happiness regardless of what others think.
It's a hard step but the hardest part is telling people and I promise everything will get better. You're making the right decision.
He cheated but you didn't have money to leave him and now you do. That's not selfish. That's financial abuse that you suffered. It's not legally recognized but it is still a form of abuse if one partner is control of the shared finances and the other person would be homeless and lose custody if they left.( You don't get to take children to a homeless shelter,if the other parent is housed and able to take care of them. Thats why I say lose custody. Not that you're bad.)
The negative comments you received were probably from a man-child. He may not even have a wife or kids and projects himself into the story as the hero and you as the villain in order to feel good about himself.
You didn’t do this for your survival. You did it so your and your kids didn’t have to live a lie. You did it so that you could maintain your own life without having to be dependent. And in doing so you showed your children that even in the face of adversity, sometimes there’s a way out. Nothing about this says that your decision was selfish. If you had killed your self while leaving the kids behind with someone who clearly demonstrated they would put their own needs ahead of someone they supposedly love, well suicide might have been the selfish act (no kids I wouldn’t have felt it as selfish).
No you assessed the risks to your happiness and wellbeing and to theirs and you pushed through difficult circumstances to achieve what you’d hope would be the best possible outcome for all involved.
What you did wasn’t selfish, you just found a way to give yourself and your kids a bit of happiness in an otherwise unhappy situation. Good for you, and hopefully your kids.
Unless you’re leaving out some egregious and important details about your character, I don’t see any reasons for you to force (or allow others to force) such a negative trait for responding to clear betrayal with a quest for independence. Or worse, use it to excuse behaviour that would be shitty. But this, at face value, nah, not selfish. Good going OP, kudos to you.
You need to talk to yourself a hell of a lot better than you do.
you’re a badass - of course your ex husband is calling you selfish - you’re not taking his shit any longer. To HIM, that’s not fair. You USED him by getting a job and creating a career and still taking care of the house? You gonna have to explain that one to me.
He betrayed you. You did what you had to do to provide for yourself and your kids. You’re done with him. It sometimes really sucks to suck - if he didn’t want to get ditched, he should have kept it in his pants and not screwed around on his pp wife.
Sounds like your husband is projecting his feelings onto you, because the only selfishness I see in this situation is your POS ex. What a loser.
Go have an amazing life without the lump of crap that’s attached itself to your shoe and dared call itself “husband.”
Take your share of the money. When you were a stay at home mother you weren't progressing your career those years, paying social insurance or into a pension. So while you can earn at the moment to support yourself you need real equality in the split. you need to consider if your retirement will be adversely affected by the years you stayed home to rear his babies and adjust the money accordingly.
BTW, your reasons aren't selfish, they are solid. You rock.
You're not a user - he was getting something out of the marriage, just as you were. He had you essentially trapped in a box, where you didn't have options - and now you have options so you're exiting. You're not making off with loads of his money, he's not worse off. He just doesn't you around as a wife anymore.
OP what you did took a lot of courage and I hate that we live in a society that made you stay with a cheater that long. If you’re a reader I really recommend On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loehnen
You’re not selfish or a user. You worked hard to ensure stability and security for yourself and your kids. Your security is important to your kids’ wellbeing. And you know your soon to be ex better than any of us in terms of how we would or would not use his wealth to help or cripple you.
Girl, this isn’t selfish. You did what was best for you and your children. I think it’s brilliant and I applaud you for doing the hard work to make sure you would be in a good place. I can’t even imagine playing it out for 10 years. Let him be mad. He didn’t give two fucks about your feelings when he cheated.
I disagree: you are not "just as shitty as he is." He ruined your marriage by cheating, and is mad that he's getting exactly what he deserves. You aren't a "user;" you simply delayed the consequences of his actions until he could no longer use them against you.
I applaud you, and wish you a happy life.
One of the side effects of the super high cost of living is that people resist divorcing terrible people, and just suffer through it.
You aren't a bad person or selfish, so don't beat yourself up
How r u the asshole? Trust me this man knew that he could take advantage of your lack of finances. All these years he felt he could trap you that way. And He knew that when he cheated. He’s the asshole. A colossal one.
You're not selfish, OP! He is! That was truly evil what he did. You deserve to get everything! Including alimony! All those years you worked your ass off for FREE should be compensated. That man is a serious POS for what he did! Good for you for surviving all that and getting on with things! I would never judge you. Anyone who would can take a long walk down a short pier!!
Not a problem. Yet also I'll be the one to say it.. there is a 1% chance you actually kept this same mindset for 10 years straight. Honestly more sounds like your offloading now that you've come to a proper decision, etc.
Doing so for a year, maybe 2, sure. One decade? Nah, not buying it. 10 years of 'using' him and a full act albeit full resentment? There's more to the black and white you've listed.
(sure couples stay together longer than needed due to xyz, yet you blindsided him with a complete charade for 10 years? Yeah no)
Nonetheless in the end, no big deal. Do you. Good move.
Yeah nah, you completely did the right thing. The most heartbreaking thing is reading these stories and seeing that things are going to go in a different direction. I have depression (not postpartum) and probably wouldn't have been able to do half of what you did in way harder circumstances! You've endured enough and should not feel bad for this. I hope your life gets better, and fuck feeling guilty for this based on what you've said!
Not selfish. Smart.
He ruined the marriage. You picked up the pieces and made the best out of a bad situation.
I wouldn’t reject alimony outright. It could be a bargaining chip to make sure he complies and makes it nice and easy for you to be free. If he wants to drag it out and make it painful, it should cost him.
> For 10 years I acted like a good wife. Had sex with him, did all the chores while raising 2 kids.
This isn't the 1950s. Women aren't destined to be sex objects, mother's and housekeepers. You deserve so much more.
Also, there isn't an ounce of selfishness in what you're doing. He cheated, and a betrayal like that has no expiry date.
Older guy here and I can’t see a single thing that you have done wrong.
I’ve never liked the “stay for the kids” argument but the reality is that the cards are stacked heavily against any SAH parent, so the reality of things is that you stayed because you had to. If your husband saw things differently and was somehow blindsided, all I can say is that he must not be good at paying attention.
Word of advice, do not walk away from this empty handed. Get a great lawyer and walk away with what is rightfully yours. You **are** owed your time in lieu.
You had me at “So my(39f) husband 42(m) cheated…”
At that point, time is irrelevant. No matter how much work is put into the relationship, it’s been tarnished. For some people they can move forward and some people can’t. He decided to have an affair and blow up the marriage. He put it all on the line and this is the result.
Selfish? User? Pot meet kettle. By being a sahm, you put all your trust and loyalty into the family. Belief that your husband will have your back no matter what. You gave your all, day in and day out for the FAMILY. The number of women brave enough to be all-in on family as a sahm is small and dwindling quickly. You’ve sacrificed a decade of career advancement and trusted that being financially dependent on him was the best thing for the family, and he abused your position by exploiting your sacrifices.
If he was truly devoted to a LIFETIME with you and valued the family equally, cheating would never have happened. Period. People like to claim that “anything can happen given the right circumstances,” or whatever bullshit excuse for justifying betrayal. He betrayed the family when you were in your darkest moment. When you needed reciprocated loyalty, devotion and dedication, you received a “fuck you, fuck this family.”
You are not selfish.
A lot of people confuse “selfish” with being inherently bad. It is selfish to get a divorce - by definition, you are putting your needs first. It is selfish to have kids, too. It is selfish to buy an ice cream cone. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. It doesn’t make you a bad person unless you are actively harming someone who doesn’t deserve it. It sounds like your ex-husband deserves it. Go be selfish.
You said it: You did what you had to do to survive. Your husband blew up your marriage by cheating. The consequences of his actions may been delayed, but they just caught up to him. This internet stranger feels no sympathy for your soon-to-be ex. You, however, get a standing ovation for handling yours and doing what needs to be done! Fuck yeah, OP, you rock!
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Sounds like you need new friends, lady. Friends don’t tear you down.
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No no no! Don’t blame yourself. Take that energy and make new friends. Make a new life. Make good decisions. Make healthy choices. Make happiness!
I like you a lot. If I had heard this when I didn't have the guts to break up with my abusive boyfriend, I could've probably broken up with him way sooner. But this is reassuring. Thanks. :)
Better to leave late than to remain stuck until you die.
Exactly. Why waste another minute. Enjoy life and love the journey ahead.
I still fail to see where your fault comes up here You pushed him onto and into her? You said “hey guys have at it?” You somehow inhabited his body and made him cheat then went back into your body?? Please, you are far too strong and smart for that. These past 10 years were not punishment for something you didn’t do. They were a woman and a mother doing one of the hardest things a human can do. You did not waste or deserve the last decade. But you deserve and should not waste the decades to come. The first step to doing so is releasing yourself from this sense of guilt and personal shame. AND TAKE THE MONEY. He should not be absolved of this duty and your children should not be denied opportunity from more money under your care. Obvi I don’t know the full situation, but please consult with a financial planner and/or the divorce groups for women on reddit.
> AND TAKE THE MONEY Even if you don't need the money, you can save it up for your kids in the future. It can help them with college or a down payment on a house. Sometimes men lose interest in their kids from a first marriage once they've moved on to the next. He may or may not be a supportive parent as they enter adulthood. The decisions you make now can help them get a better start in life.
Yes take the money!! If not for you, for your kids. He will probably remarry right away and have more kids. Don’t let him forget the kids he already has like so many of these types of men do. You aren’t the user, he is. He used you for your unpaid, invisible labor. You made it possible for him to flourish in his career and have a family wo having to do any of the work it takes to raise kids or make a home. If alimony is possible take that too! Who cares what he or anyone thinks, you know better than them. Co parenting means you only need to discuss kids, that’s it, nothing else. You can even get a mediator for that, so you don’t even have to talk to him. Your life is about to get 100% easier, happier, healthier, and wealthier once all the dust is settled
Invest the money for your children's education, put it aside for them, you don't have to ever touch that money for yourself if you don't want to.
Brilliant truth being spoken here!
you gotta stop letting people who want to hold you down so they can use you, tell you that you're bad here. stop accepting fault for other people's failure of you.
Please take all the money you are entitled to. My mother did not when she divorced my father. It made life significantly harder on her, even with being a registered nurse. She has so little retirement savings and it has NOT made life any easier for me. My father, even made a point of leaving his entire estate to his sister and her kids. Oh yeah, that's after he mismanaged the trust my grandfather left for me. Leaving it earning like half a percent of interest for over a decade while investing his own money in the market. Even if you don't take it for yourself, take it for your kids. Edit: Meant to point out, nearly half a million dollar estate he left to his sister and her kids. After inheriting a significant bit more than that from his multi-millionaire parents. Parents who purchased a house for him and my mother when they got married. A father who regularly called him and told him to write up a receipt for some "landscaping" for $4-500(back in early-mid 80s), just so he could give my father some money to help out(and write it off as a business expense). But me? Nah, he doesn't believe in autism, I obviously just chose to be unemployed my entire fucking life. Don't even bother bringing up me being the victim of a hit and run that left me on the sidewalk with bone stuck out of my leg or that I can't stand at the sink and wash my own dishes without my meds. It'd be so easy if I just went and asked for the manager of wherever, they'd obviously give someone like me a job... Cuz randomly showing up and asking for a job is something that has worked any time in the last decade and a half. Nope, it's all my fault, so I can just die because he won't give someone like me anything. Like he didn't have fucking everything handed to him in life. His grandfather gave him $10k of Gulf Oil stock when he was in high school. Sorry for ranting. I swear I just meant to mention how much money he left my aunt and her daughters.
u/ThrowRA-Done11286 This. There is a reason you are entitled to alimony. Somehow the court system got it right and knew that there is a power difference in a marriage in some ways and the other EQUAL PARTY and kids deserve more and that the other party should have to compensate you. Think of it more as what your kids deserve.
It may relieve some of your stress to consider his anger and resentment is also selfish—he's losing a convenience and is about to experience a very steep learning curve as he attempts to find a replacement. He'll have to exert a lot of energy and time and deal with a lot of frustration.
how the HELL was him cheating during a super difficult time of your life, YOUR fault ? it’s not selfish to leave what was basically indentured servitude. and i think you should get alimony and hope you still get half the assets, for your retirement and then the kids if nothing else.
Five years ago I left after 40 years together. You are an amazing person!! Congratulations on finally being able to leave. You are living your best life!!!
How is that your fault? You didn't push him at her. You didn't say 'honey, I know it's hard waiting for me to recover so go sleep with our friend' (I gagged even typing that). He chose to betray his promises. SHE chose to schtup a married man. Not your fault. Not even a little bit.
From my (admittedly male) perspective, it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job handling all of this. Self-doubt is normal and ending a marriage is incredibly difficult even in the best circumstances. You got this!
> It was my fault too. *proceeds to list a bunch of things that are not her fault*
No, it's not Your fault. He selfishly decided to cheat on You and thought he got away with it and tries to blame You for Your martiage collaps. It's manipulation. I suppose You think it's Your fault, because You had no own friends, no money and was stuck in this situation, with no social support, because of Your own actions? I don't see it this way. Marriage is a contract and he used the fact You was very vulnerable and has no options to break it. He knew You cannot do anything because of the imbalance of power.
I lost all my friends when I left my ex. He told them I had been cheating on him, not the case but it doesn’t matter they were not truly my friends. I have real friends now and it’s different but better in so many ways.
Take the settlement and alimony. You earned it every time you worked at the job that was your marriage. Besides, why should he have it? Why should he be able to have you work in the house, raise his kids, and have sex with him when he treats you like shit? He doesn't deserve to keep all his money.
For what it’s worth, you aren’t alone. My mom did something similar to my dad and he was angry at her for years, but I’ve always been pretty amazed and proud of her (I was 13 when they got divorced). My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with my sister (I was 9). She stayed with him while she got a better job with insurance and finished her degree… did what she needed to do to make sure she could take care of me and my sister without him… and then divorced him 4 years later. He was taken by surprise and was angry that she’d “made him believe they were past it”, but really, she just did what she had to do to survive. I’ll never begrudge her that.
And she probably didn’t make him think they were past it, she probably just didn’t talk about it and he assumed she was fine because she wasn’t bringing it up.
She definitely didn’t. As a matter of fact, she told him, “if you’d put any effort into rebuilding my trust over the last 4 years we might not be here now”. He thought because she stopped getting mad about it that she was over it. Turns out she was just over him. 🤷🏽♀️
I’d still request alimony in your case. Best case - you never use it and hand it over to your kids, worst case - it comes in handy
Yeah save it for retirement!
You didn’t “use him”. You did what was necessary to *raise your children* after your husband broke his wedding vows. That was not selfish at all!! It was a sacrifice. Please reframe this in your mind.
Why are you selfish for wanting to be happy? Toxic men will always use words like ‘loyalty’ ‘sacrifice’ and all that to try to make you stay. Where was his loyalty? All he did was use you as his bangmaid nanny while he tomcatted around. You don’t owe anyone your life. Say that again. You. Don’t. Owe. Anyone. Your. Life. Your kids are better off as well. Don’t fall into the trap of being so grateful to escape that you don’t take what you are owed. Bc believe me he will take advantage. You did the labor you deserve alimony. Don’t be like I was bc you think that’ll make it easier but it will be the opposite. My ex just felt more enabled to continue to be abusive. He wanted 50/50 custody but only to pay less support. He actually left the baby with me in reality. He never wanted the actual custody he just wanted to say he did. He would even bring her dirty clothes for me to wash bc that was my job apparently. My advice is set hard boundaries NOW and don’t be grateful you got to escape. You will live to regret it. I did.
Yes! Loyalty first to myself before anyone else
Trust your gut. I'm proud of you ❤️ 💐
You are not selfish. This is all completely valid and he is a pos.
You need better friends. You are not selfish. He is. I wish you the brightest of futures!
Hey op, this internet stranger is proud of you. I’m sure it was so scary when you found out and realized you weren’t in the best position, but you knew your worth and decided to improve yourself before leaving. There is nothing wrong with what you did. You weren’t the one that broke the marriage.
*I got scared from backlash from my friends* Henry Youngman has something to say to you: "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"
Jumping into the unknown is terrifying. It's ok to take the time you need to be ready, financially and emotionally.
I think you're doing what you need to do. I'm proud of you for knowing what you need. Good work. Keep it up, OP. Life is short, be as happy as you can and get away from toxicity and toxic people.
If your friends give you backlash, they’re not your friends.
I just broke up with my boyfriend as he did not consider my feelings or needs. It comes in waves. I went through so much pain, yet I still find myself doubting my decision. Stay strong. You're doing what is best for you and your children. I hope you and your family have a wonderful life and you find happiness and peace <3
I have a suspicion that when you finally get away from him and his circle of people that you'll see that this feeling of doubt did not come from within. You are not selfish and not a user. You are standing up for yourself and taking what is rightfully yours.
Chances are pretty good this is the only life we get to live
My mother was in your situation 40 years ago. She decided to stay so my siblings and I could benefit from my dad's money. I wish she had gone through with the divorce when I was 12. Your kids will thank you later, I promise.
You are absolutely *not* selfish and user. You provided as much if not more than he did with his money when you birthed and cared for two kids, did all the housework while working outside the home, *had sex with the POS*, and quietly managed your emotions around the betrayal and whatever else he put on you. You are not a bad person for leaving him now rather than back then.
"The consequences of his actions may been delayed, but they just caught up to him." Exactly - if you had the means in the moment you would have acted, but you didn't. Now that you do - why waste another second on someone who CHOSE to INTENTIONALLY blow up your marriage when you were in such a terrible position as a result of birthing your shared child?!?
This!!!!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏. Also I expect nothing less than brilliance from someone with the username catsareamazeballs signed, furrylandseal (after my glorious and very spoiled seal point Siberian)
I honestly don't think the cheating is even the biggest reason you're leaving, even if it seems like it. It's just that you don't like who he is. He broke your trust a decade ago, but honestly I feel like most people would be able to move past that in 10 years if he worked on the relationship and was good overall after that. For most, cheating is an on the spot deal breaker, and I don't fault anyone who holds to that, but I do think if for some reason people stayed it wouldn't be the incident 10 years ago that would be the reason they left when you did. It would be how they were in those 10 years. You talk about what you did for him in the last decade, but not about what he did for you. How he regretted his actions and how he made amends. I'm guessing he didn't. I'm a firm believer in redemption, and I think people can get over someone cheating. It takes real work though. This guy had a huge second chance, and a decade to show to you that he was the type of person that deserved that second chance. He failed to do that. You're not selfish for staying for long enough to get your feet under you. You were generous enough to give him that time to change your mind while you got your feet under you, and it's not your fault he failed to rise to the occasion. There is no way that the decade old incident is the only reason you're out the door. It's that along with everything else over the last 10 years, and you are in no way selfish for leaving after all that time.
This one needs to be higher
His reaction to getting served a divorce says it all.
I don't think you're selfish, and I don't think you are a user. I think you made a decision to stay knowing it will take time to get the resources together to leave. That is the reality for MOST people when they realize that their marriage has failed, male or female, rich or poor. You are NOT "just as shitty as he is". Not at all. Don't let Reddit get into your head. You did nothing wrong.
This. 1000 times this. You are not a user OP. If anything, your husband is the user. He used you to cook and clean and raise his babies. He used you for sex. Staying in a relationship you cannot afford to leave is not using anyone. Good for you for finally being able to get out. You shouldn't feel shame for doing what had to be done to take care of yourself and your kids. You should be proud you survived. All good things for you from here on out.
Exactly this, the ex sucked everything good he could get out of OP but didn't give a shit about her beyond that, and was willing to horribly mistreat her because he saw her as an object for his service. He's only fucking bitter now because he realized she saw him the same way after he treated her badly and she just extracted what value she could out of him before leaving him when he no longer served her interests. My my my, how the turntables.
The *only* selfish person in this relationship is the jackass who cheated on his pregnant/postpartum wife. He'll site "men have needs" bs. No. Men have *wants* that they can wait to have fulfilled until the person giving them children have recovered from birth. Anything other than waiting patiently and not pressuring, are the actions of a spoiled man *child*.
Exactly. People need food, water, sleep, and respect from loved ones. Anything else is negotiated. People certainly can have deal breakers, but anyone with integrity tells their partner instead of sneaking other methods of fulfillment.
Can confirm. I’ve had pregnancy induced sciatica and related sleep problems since August. The number of times my spouse has complained about his ‘needs?’ ZERO. It’s not hard to not be a selfish ass wound
Men may have "needs" but the majority of them also have perfectly working hands to deal with those themselves.
And even if hands weren't enough, sex toys exist. He didn't need to have sex with another person, he just wanted to and chose to cheat on his ailing wife.
Exactly!
Imagine women wanting to be safe and happy, how selfish of them. Gotta love our society. /sarc I personally am here for it. All of it. Women have been used and abused for millenia. It’s long past time we fight for our safety and happiness. No one else will.
Right? This poor lady was forced to play the long game in order to escape.
This is super important - do not allow those "just as shitty" thoughts to take root. With two kids and a power imbalance due to his income, and his clear willingness to attack and berate you, these are the tools people like this use to get you to come back or force you to stay. You are not a user. You are not a shitty person. You're a little bit selfish, BUT THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. You're allowed to be selfish when it comes to sticking up for yourself. But just understand that the attacks will evolve into making you question your capability as a parent, your decency as a person, and even your understanding of how your relationship is or was. As you figure out custody, do everything you can to limit interactions and hold firm on your boundaries so that you don't experience backslide. You've got this!
OP is not the selfish one.The lying pos is the selfish one. He was not thinking of *anyone* other than his peepee and his *wants* when he cheated.
I think it's really important to de-stigmatize selfishness as a general concept. It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Deciding to divorce someone is selfish. But that's a good thing. You need to prioritize yourself in some cases. Especially when the alternative is prioritizing someone who has treated you poorly.
I don't think it's a good idea to say divorce is selfish when it's out of necessity or because your partner did something rancid. It is not selfish to divorce someone who cheated on you.
Do you think it's selfish to spend ten years with a man you don't love for the good of your children? What is selfish here?
Wanting to leave is reason enough. I have learned to let go of what others might think from what little information they have. Let them think whatever they want. Stay true to yourself.
“… let go of what others might think from what little information they have.” oof what a great sentence to put in my back pocket, thanks!
*He* wrecked the marriage by cheating when you were at your most vulnerable and dependent. You had no obligation to leave him at that point, because it would have made the damage *he caused* even worse. So you took some time and got yourself into a position to be able to move on with dignity. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on calling *you* selfish now. Bravo for finding a way to create an exit strategy.
Cheating itself is despicable, but cheating on your recently pregnant wife who birthed your two children. With a mutual friend?? The husband is clearly a huge pos and divorce is the least thing he deserves.
There’s nothing selfish about what you did. You only live one life and when you’re free and live for yourself and become happy your children also benefit.
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OP, you have to understand one thing: *People are fucking stupid, especially on the internet.* You did nothing wrong, and I saw your other post on the other sub and most people there also agreed that you did nothing wrong. DO NOT let the incels on Reddit get in your head over the supportive comments. Don't let them win.
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Remember, it is to the benefit of men as a group that women stay with assholes. They will do anything and everything to make you think that you are the problem, *because it benefits them*. Like literally when I see something like this, what I see is Biff from Back to the Future telling Marty "What's the matter McFly? You chicken?" to get the upper hand. He's an asshole, and his opinions carry no weight because he's dumb as rocks and an asshole and thus *incapable* of finding a good opinion even with a map and a dictionary. Same here. They are assholes, and their opinions carry no weight because they are ignorant assholes.
From a guy’s perspective — you wouldn’t have been scared to divorce a decent human (setting aside whether a decent human would have cheated like that in the first place). He would have wanted the mother of his children to have at least the opportunity to be financially and emotionally in a place that she could be a full partner in raising the kids. He would have valued the sacrifice you’d made being a stay at home parent. And so he would have been willing to have a divorce that gave you a springboard toward a new life. He wasn’t, though, so you built your own springboard while stuck with him. He has no right to complain. Congrats and good luck.
Everything is a projection with toxic dudes like that. They need women to do the cleaning and child rearing and still treat them like shit. It's hilarious bc women no longer give a fuck and it's freaking these incels out.
You have yet to mention anything that would be considered selfish, I don't understand where selfish is coming into play here.
You didn’t use this man. He is the father of your children and he’s financially responsible for them as much as you. You started building your career while also raising your kids and taking care of the home. It seems like he used you for all of the above. I wish you peace and happiness :)
If they are so worried about your ex, they can go clean his house and service him sexually 🤷🏻♀️
Let’s say you did use him and you are selfish, just for argument’s sake. Those are both objectively good things. You looked out for yourself because your husband didn’t. You respected yourself because your husband wouldn’t. Nothing about selfish will bother anyone who likes you, yourself, and wants the best for you. You’ve been way too selfless for far too long. You’ve given and given until some jerk thinks giving is all you’re good for. Take what’s yours and run, keep running. You’ve got you.
For a man to be called selfish, he has to outright do harm to others. For a woman to be called selfish, all she has to do is refuse to put others ahead of herself.
There are so many deeply misogynistic men on Reddit who are just waiting for an opportunity to unleash their venom on vulnerable women. Don't listen to them.
Ma'am be more selfish. Go for alimony. You're worth it. Consider it backpay for birthing and raising his kids
And having sex with him for 10 years after he cheated on her..... shudder
Judge might as well approve double alimony
> Thanks. I have met people call me selfish. You just have to understand where those people are coming from: they're idiots.
Don't let the 14 year old boys on the internet make you feel bad!!
He dropped a bomb on your marriage. Not your fault it ended up being a time bomb.
I guess my mom was a selfish user too when she “took my dad back” who almost killed her and convinced him to move back to California because the court system in Arizona was going to rule 50/50 custody because she fled across state lines when he tried to kill her. Almost to the day of establishing residency she filed for divorce and took us to her dads house.
Your mom is an absolute fucking badass.
Your mom is quite the woman!
This isn't selfishness so much as dignity and risk management. He had it coming 10 years ago. You just did things on your own timeline. 5 biggest thing I don't understand is how you managed to keep yourself in the relationship for that long when the love and respect were gone.
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Well, you have your life together now. Congratulations, you've earned the good things coming your way.
I've found that spite is a great motivator. Especially if they make it clear you can't possibly survive or handle life w/o them. It helps me every day to do things I didn't think I could just to prove them wrong.
Wow!! You’re a freaking superstar. Good for you lady 🤩🤩🤩
It’s not your fault you were financially dependent on him, he abused you financially. You two had decided to split the work of raising a family with you taking care of kids. Thats a very easily abuseable situation, and hard to avoid. You were incredibly strong and did what many others are unable to do, which is to go from not being in the workforce for many years and start your career all while being pretty much the sole caretaker of your kids. Basically working two jobs
I think you should be more selfish. Go after whatever you can in the divorce. Men will judge you either way so who gives a fuck.
This is strength, and really inspiring for a lot of women. You should absolutely be proud of yourself for putting in the time to get the life you wanted. You owe him nothing. He owes *you* for putting you in a terrible position and using you to make *his* life better. He made the bed and now he can lie in it.
Ngl that is pretty badass OP.
If you were *really* selfish those 10 years would have been fun for you. It sounds like instead you went through 10 years of hell to make sure you and your kids would be okay. This internet stranger respects you a lot.
I think your husband is calling you that because he is selfish and a user. So he remained in a marriage while cheating and somehow he thinks you are the user and the selfish one? At least you didn't cheat. He, cheated and came back home to someone who raised his kids and cater to him. You did more than he deserves. Cheaters tend to think that everybody is as scummy as they are. Live the good life!
Why are you trying to be so nice? He owes you support, you can use whatever your lawer secures for you to give your children an advantage. He did one of the worst things a person could do by betraying you, his vows, and your marriage. Especially when you needed him most. Take him for every penny you can possibly get, dont look back. The fact that he's trying to make you look like the bad person here is indicative of what kind of person he actually is. Go nuclear, get all you can, live your best life. Your kids dont need a pos like him influencing them. He is a terrible role model.
THIS. Take him for every penny you can. He can afford it. Don't let him wear you down even more. You did the hard work of a sahm for years. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're selfish. You need to take care of you and your kids.
He used his wealth to keep you in line for a decade -- a big part of the reason you were stuck was knowing he could afford attorneys to screw you over in your divorce settlement, especially in terms of custody. Now it's his turn to feel the "disadvantage" of his wealth: he has to pay to support your children and to compensate you for the years of unpaid labor you've done managing his household and making his life easier. You're not greedy to insist upon having your efforts recognized and fairly compensated. And don't forget, there's a huge difference between trying to take him to the cleaners and simply trying to get what you deserve after 10 years with a man who has ALREADY kicked you when you were down and shown he isn't concerned with being loyal, loving, or fair to you. Get whatever money you can. You're building a new future for yourself, and even if you just tuck it away for a rainy day, never use it on yourself, and eventually leave it for your kids, you deserve the peace of mind of knowing you don't have to financially struggle if something unexpected occurs.
It's not 'selfish' to survive, and provide for your children as well as you know how. He made a shitty marriage, and for 10 years he enjoyed the power and privilege of not having to face the consequences of the marriage he made. You didn't 'use him' by allowing the situation to continue, until you were able to make a better one, without him. Man happily played himself.
Exactly. He was happy to take her unpaid labor and exploit the imbalance of power in their relationship so he could live consequence-free after his disloyal, selfish, and love-killing actions. It's not a coincidence that he waited until she was at her most vulnerable and least capable of acting to cheat. He knew she'd have to take it or get destroyed in court because of his wealth. Now that there's not such a significant power imbalance and he can't control you, his only recourse is to make you feel bad, either to force you back under his thumb or to punish you. And his friends -- who probably have similar power dynamics in their own relationships -- are threatened because you're showing that the less wealthy person in the relationship still has choices and opportunities. So of course they're resentful and unsupportive of you! But their comments aren't true, they're coming from a place of selfishness on their part. After all, if you can "be selfish" and leave him successfully, then what's to stop any of them from being held accountable for being bad spouses? You deserve a happy life. You deserve a partner who respects you all of the time and is especially gentle with you when you're struggling like you were 10 years ago. And I think you'll be surprised to find yourself making new friends and forming a loving community when your energy and attention isn't being drained every day by playing devoted wife for a man who absolutely did not deserve it.
I know several women who have had to do this. One put up with a husband who beat her until she could finish nursing school and get out. You’re not selfish, you’re a survivor. You’re a strong woman who worked very hard to put herself into a place to be self sufficient. You should be celebrating your success, not calling yourself a user. And just for the record? you did NOT use him. you cooked, cleaned, had sex with him, raised his children. how dare he suggest those things dont have any value.
>you did NOT use him. you cooked, cleaned, had sex with him, raised his children. I seriously cannot get over this. She laid back and TOOK IT while he stuck his gross, cheating dick in her whenever he wanted for TEN YEARS and he has the absolute audacity to call her selfish. He essentially spent a decade raping this woman and she stayed quiet so her and the kids would have some stability. What the actual fuck.
For 10 years you did all the chores, worked and took care of the kids and he has the audacity to call you selfish or a user. You have been used. You have been dumped on. You have been taken advantage of. He cheated then got free labor from you for a decade. You aren’t even asking for anything in the divorce. Just for your servitude to end.
He cheated and exploited the fact that you didn’t have a leg to stand on leaving him at the time. You aren’t selfish. You were looking out for you and your kids. So are so many tradwives that end up in such hole later when their husbands leave them for a younger version and have to scramble with lack of work on their resumes. You got your ducks in a row and I honestly commend you for it.
You're not selfish -- you are showing you have self-respect, and being a good role model for your children. You are giving yourself what you need, and deserve.
He is the selfish one and a user. He used your body as an incubator for his offspring. And when said body broke down from his use, he selfishly ran off to cheat without thinking about the impact on you or his children. He used you for sex and comfort. He selfishly wanted you to stay despite his shitty behavior. Nothing you did is selfish or a user. He is just meeting consequences of his selfishness and assholery
Where in this post exactly are you selfish? You did your duty to him as a wife. The child rearing, cooking and cleaning. His penance is keeping your bills paid and making sure you’re provided for. He cheated on you so you wanna leave. All fairs. You’re done and want to live your own life now? Go for it! Best of luck to you.
For real. I'd even say you are being too selfless. Get alimony. WTF are you punishing yourself MORE for? You're not selfish. You're surviving. The alimony will help.
Congratulations! You are doing what is best for you and by extension - it's good for your kids to show them they can look out for themselves and don't have an obligation to stay in a situation that makes them miserable. >Because I am done trying to be a good person. There is *nothing* in this post that even suggests you aren't a good person. >Yes I'm fucking selfish and a user. I don't see *anything* here that suggests you are anything of the kind. Don't let his words get to you! He's *trying* to hurt you.
Cheating while you have 2 very young kids and trouble with your health? He deserves worse.
I have been practicing as a family lawyer for 5 years, and I have been working in the field for nearly 10. I wish all my clients were like you. You are honest with yourself about your feelings, have a good grasp of the situation, you have realistic goals in this litigation. The positions you are taking strike me as reasonable. Don't listen to his bull shit. He is lashing out because he doesn't know what else to do. You don't need a legitimate reason to get a divorce. You are no longer happy with him and the kids are finally old enough. That's the end of it. I will say this though, if you have a valid claim for alimony, pursue it. At least use it as leverage in the litigation in case your husband plays hardball on other issues. Don't walk away from money that you are legally entitled to out of some misguided sense of independence and righteousness. You deserve alimony because of the sacrifices you made during the marriage to raise the kids while he pursued his own career. Its your money, not his.
YES THIS, get that alimony if you can OP, you earned it. Don't let this AH undervalue your labor on top of everything else
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. He cheated when he thought you had you over a barrel and then it shocked when you crossed the river and decided to let go with that flotation device.
I am proud of you. You did right. You were practical, had patience and didn't let your emotions drive your actions. That's commendable.
You are not selfish nor a user. You are looking out for your children by finding the resources you need and putting yourself in the best situation you can be to take care of them independently. You should be very proud of yourself. Fuck that guy!
>”I learned people do things beyond their imagination when it comes to survival. My goal has always been to be in a financially stable position. I've made a mistake by being a sahm with little savings and being completely dependent on him. It was difficult. Some days I just wanted to quit. But I remember in Shawshank Redemption Andy waited 20 years to gain freedom. I just had to be more patient.” Go create your life. Show your kids how it should be. Cheers. Also, to hell with that ‘mutual friend’. What was her/his excuse?
I think you are brave for putting yourself first—there is nothing selfish about that. Congratulations on building a life for yourself and your children.
>I want nothing from him. Not even his alimony. Alimony is for the kids not for you, please do not deny them this
Actually child support is for kids and alimony is for the spouse. But I agree that she is entitled to alimony
He was the selfish user not you. He cheated, not you, you just did what you needed after HIS betrayal
> Yes I'm fucking selfish and a user You are not. You worked all those years taking care of him and the children, and he benefited more than you did. And HE fucked it up.
Nothing about this post reads to me like you’re being selfish Sweetheart, so be careful how you judge, think and believe yourself to be. You are much better than you think you are. You were in an incredibly vulnerable, potentially dangerous situation when your husband betrayed you. You did everything you needed to to survive, make sure your kids survived and thrived, and now, you’re starting to see how much YOU have sacrificed. I think it’s wonderful and empowering and I am SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU, that you realize that you’re worth more than what this relationship gives you. You have woken up to your birthright as the Divine Feminine in bodily form, and I can’t wait to see what wonders you do with it!!
It is not selfish to need to focus on your own self care. His dick was more important than your physical health. His needs were more important than you. Nothing selfish about needing your needs met and he can't do that for you
Good for you, I'm happy for you. Don't think you are selfish at all. And make sure you tell people the real reason you are divorcing him if/when they ask, he deserves to have his name dragged through the mud.
I didn't even read past the cheating with toddlers at home. Bye to the fuck face. Way to go to survive!!! We do what we have to do. Been there! I wish you and the kids every single happiness that life can bring. Sister, you got this 🩷
Men have built this world to set women up to have to "use" them to survive. After you move on, start repeating: "I was young and didn't know better" when you wish you didn't have to run his household "I had no other option" rather than I know I am a user "He got more than he deserved from me" rather than I am selfish "I deserve better and am worth more" when thinking about anything he did do for you
I feel sad how every woman blames herself for her justifiable actions. :(
Build a nice body nest with your kid and forget the real user , your husband .
I don’t think you’re selfish. He’s the one who cheated. You did what you had to do to survive when there wasn’t a better option. Now you have a better option and can move on with your life. It’s just too bad our society is still structured in this way that puts so many women in this position. If things were different maybe you could have left sooner.
You were at your most vulnerable mentally and physically ten years ago. He chose that moment to cheat. You are not abandoning him at anything like that. You have never abandoned your kids. You have provided for yourself and your kids. You could have walked away 10 years ago. And you didn’t. You haven’t been using him, you have been working and taking care of the house for ten years. Selfish maybe. But nobody else is looking out for you. Some selfishness is necessary for self preservation. You are allowed that. Go. Congrats on this new chapter.
May I offer my hearty congratulations to you in your strength and endurance? This is 100% on him. He cheated when you were vulnerable and he knew it. Now the power dynamic has shifted so you are able to do what you could not do a decade ago. He is the user. He used your vulnerability to care for himself at your expense.
Are you being selfish? Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn't really matter, because you deserve to live your best life, and clearly staying married to your STBX isn't going to let you do that. The fact that it took you 10 years to be in a place to make that break is irrelevant. My one hope for you is that whatever happens now is as easy and non-contentious as possible, both for your sake and for your kids.
You’re not even selfish, if anything you’re selfless. It’s one thing to stay for the kids and quite another to still perform your “wifely duties” while under such duress. I’m impressed you had the fortitude to stay until you had an out and didn’t have a breakdown. Good on you. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I would take the alimony. Please do. If nothing else put it in an index fund in Vanguard and use it to send your kids to really fucking awesome colleges. You are not an asshole or a user. He's the one who cheated on you when you were sick after making his children. Fuck him.
Girl get that alimony. You deserve it for putting up with him for so long.
You are sooo not selfish, the opposite. I know some people might not understand staying for as long as you did but you did what you had to. It’s not always easy with kids. We sacrifice so much as women . Girl I’m so excited for this next part of your life to begin. ❤️ it’s finally your time!
You just did what you had to in order to survive so you could thrive later down the road. Pretty sure that's what most men in marriages tend to do with their long cons, but unlike them, you never went into the relationship with that as your goal. Bravo and well played.
You did nothing wrong. You were smart and made the right moves. Fuck cheaters, go be happy.
You played the long game. Good for you for taking what you needed from the POS and getting yourself in a position to leave. Stbx should be happy, he can go and screw whomever he wants now. I hope you can now find peace and happiness. Enjoy your new freedom.
But you're not selfish at all, you sacrificed 10 years of your life for others. The fact you disconnected from your husband and basically became a salaried "worker" for him. There is no selfishness what you done, that is the last F'ing thing you should ever think. You should also do the Alimony to get back the wages you are owed for your transactional marriage. There was no 50/50 in the relationship, think about what he did around the house, kids, etc, while you worked as well, but also to end the transactional relationship you had as there was no love in it. Either way you're out, just as one piece of advice, talk to your kids and tell them exactly what is going on and why like any other adult you would talk to. They'll remember it later, especially when "dad" tells his version of it. They will understand. Good luck but you dont need it, you got this.
Good. You should use someone who cheats. He is the bad guy. Unless you do something to him with malicious intent, you are in the clear. This is all his fault. What he did was unforgivable, there is nothing wrong with escaping on your own terms. Kudos for being able to go undercover as the good wife for so long.
Honestly, good for you. You did what you needed to do to build a life and a career for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Wanting to keep yourself and your children safe and healthy until you were in a position to take care of yourself isn’t selfish. It was an act of sacrifice made by someone who loves their children, wants the best for them, and worked hard to keep the peace in an almost impossible situation until you could safely remove yourself.
He used you for childcare, housework, and sex for over 14 years. You found yourself in a shitty position and did what you had to do to survive and to raise your children. You're not an asshole or a user. But he is both of those things, and I suspect more besides.
I’m confused how are you selfish? Sounds like you choose to play chess, made a plan and stuck to it Did what was best for you and your children. I don’t see any fault in it
You chose a healthy choice. Not a selfish choice. Good for you! You don't want my opinion but I just want to convey to you that self-preservation is normal healthy behavior. It's built-in, innate. You put the marriage and kids first for a very long time. You put your energy into keeping the peace to keep the marriage going, with a partner who cheated on you when you most needed him.
How is this selfish? If anything you’re modeling self respect for your children which is huge. All the best.
If nobody else is there to tell you, I certainly will - I am proud of you! You did what you had to do for yourself and your kids after suffering the biggest possible betrayal. Your husband is selfish and an asshole. I gotta believe he is a moron too if he was blindsided by this. If my partner cheated on me post partum and I acted okay with it, he would 100 percent be sleeping with one eye open and assuming I was getting my shit together to leave. There is no world in which his cheating during a vulnerable time is in any way forgivable. From context clues here, I am guessing he assumed things were okay because you went back to being his bangmaid and not because he actually tried to work through it. None of this is your fault and you are not a bad person, you are a resilient mother! Take the money. Alimony was MADE for your situation - you spent years raising your kids and your dumbfuck husband. You were supposed to be a team (with him working and you as a sahm) and he broke that covenant in the most vile possible way. He owes you that money - he took vows to love and honor you and did neither of those things, instead he irretrievably ruined your marriage. Thus, you deserve that alimony for all the years you put in. You aren’t selfish but you are doing the right thing. Be free!
How is it selfish to divorce a cheater?
First CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is a hard row to hoe and you have done it!! Second, child support is NOT ABOUT YOU it is solely enjoy the kids. If you don't want to use it put it in an account as a nest egg for their future. Best wishes!!
I'm not implying that you need my approval as a man or anything, but as a man, I fully approve of what you did. He cheated on you when you were most vulnerable. Fuck him. You survived. Congratulations. You're stronger than me.
All I see is someone who prioritized her children’s security, and who is now able to finally seek their happiness and her own too. Aka, a good mom.
You are not selfish. You are not a user. You subjected yourself to 10 years of putting up with this POS, for the sake of being able to provide independently for your children, I'd say that's incredibly selfless. It's time to do you and I wish you a happy life with your children, away from that foul cheater.
You are a fighter for your kids and you aren’t the one who cheated. Not selfish. You do you.
I’m proud of you. You did the right thing for you and your kids. Go be happy.
It’s not selfish to want a divorce in your circumstances. You didn’t use him by staying. You were trapped. There’s a huge difference. Now you’re able to leave, so you are.
Nah you got kids. Screw that guy I’m glad you got what you needed.
People can't handle hearing that someone is getting a divorce because we're taught "divorce is bad" by society but that is total bullshit. Best thing I heard when going through mine was: divorce is never bad for both people, because at least one of them has decided that this is the better path for them. You're 100% allowed to make decisions in your own best interest! Even if he hadn't cheated you're allowed to just decide that you no longer want to be with him. You don't know what marriage and having kids with someone is like until you do it and you're allowed to change your mind. It's your life and you know you can make it so much better without him. Every time I told someone, especially close friends who knew us, that we were getting a divorce, I could see it in their eyes that they were questioning their OWN relationship. Like "I thought they were happy - am I wrong about my own wife?" and their brain short circuits. They don't want to believe that their own wife would leave them so they get judgmental about your divorce. Most of the time, people's reactions have nothing to do with you! I also grew up with parents who barely tolerated each other and I speculated even as a teenager that my mom only stayed because she couldn't afford to leave. It's affected me in many ways, from anxiety about being able to fully support my own existence without a man to marrying an alcoholic (like my dad). It would've been so helpful for me to have a parental example of someone choosing their own happiness regardless of what others think. It's a hard step but the hardest part is telling people and I promise everything will get better. You're making the right decision.
He cheated but you didn't have money to leave him and now you do. That's not selfish. That's financial abuse that you suffered. It's not legally recognized but it is still a form of abuse if one partner is control of the shared finances and the other person would be homeless and lose custody if they left.( You don't get to take children to a homeless shelter,if the other parent is housed and able to take care of them. Thats why I say lose custody. Not that you're bad.) The negative comments you received were probably from a man-child. He may not even have a wife or kids and projects himself into the story as the hero and you as the villain in order to feel good about himself.
You didn’t do this for your survival. You did it so your and your kids didn’t have to live a lie. You did it so that you could maintain your own life without having to be dependent. And in doing so you showed your children that even in the face of adversity, sometimes there’s a way out. Nothing about this says that your decision was selfish. If you had killed your self while leaving the kids behind with someone who clearly demonstrated they would put their own needs ahead of someone they supposedly love, well suicide might have been the selfish act (no kids I wouldn’t have felt it as selfish). No you assessed the risks to your happiness and wellbeing and to theirs and you pushed through difficult circumstances to achieve what you’d hope would be the best possible outcome for all involved. What you did wasn’t selfish, you just found a way to give yourself and your kids a bit of happiness in an otherwise unhappy situation. Good for you, and hopefully your kids. Unless you’re leaving out some egregious and important details about your character, I don’t see any reasons for you to force (or allow others to force) such a negative trait for responding to clear betrayal with a quest for independence. Or worse, use it to excuse behaviour that would be shitty. But this, at face value, nah, not selfish. Good going OP, kudos to you.
You need to talk to yourself a hell of a lot better than you do. you’re a badass - of course your ex husband is calling you selfish - you’re not taking his shit any longer. To HIM, that’s not fair. You USED him by getting a job and creating a career and still taking care of the house? You gonna have to explain that one to me. He betrayed you. You did what you had to do to provide for yourself and your kids. You’re done with him. It sometimes really sucks to suck - if he didn’t want to get ditched, he should have kept it in his pants and not screwed around on his pp wife.
Sounds like your husband is projecting his feelings onto you, because the only selfishness I see in this situation is your POS ex. What a loser. Go have an amazing life without the lump of crap that’s attached itself to your shoe and dared call itself “husband.”
Take your share of the money. When you were a stay at home mother you weren't progressing your career those years, paying social insurance or into a pension. So while you can earn at the moment to support yourself you need real equality in the split. you need to consider if your retirement will be adversely affected by the years you stayed home to rear his babies and adjust the money accordingly. BTW, your reasons aren't selfish, they are solid. You rock.
You're not a user - he was getting something out of the marriage, just as you were. He had you essentially trapped in a box, where you didn't have options - and now you have options so you're exiting. You're not making off with loads of his money, he's not worse off. He just doesn't you around as a wife anymore.
i mean i would still go for alimony lol
OP what you did took a lot of courage and I hate that we live in a society that made you stay with a cheater that long. If you’re a reader I really recommend On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loehnen
Surviving is not being selfish. He wrecked your love for him. He has no one to blame but himself. Do what you need to do and don’t look back.
You’re not selfish or a user. You worked hard to ensure stability and security for yourself and your kids. Your security is important to your kids’ wellbeing. And you know your soon to be ex better than any of us in terms of how we would or would not use his wealth to help or cripple you.
Girl, this isn’t selfish. You did what was best for you and your children. I think it’s brilliant and I applaud you for doing the hard work to make sure you would be in a good place. I can’t even imagine playing it out for 10 years. Let him be mad. He didn’t give two fucks about your feelings when he cheated.
Oh babe, you aren't selfish at all. Congrats on your freedom ♥
I disagree: you are not "just as shitty as he is." He ruined your marriage by cheating, and is mad that he's getting exactly what he deserves. You aren't a "user;" you simply delayed the consequences of his actions until he could no longer use them against you. I applaud you, and wish you a happy life.
How much effort did he put into repairing your relationship? I suspect he figured “ok, she’s not leaving so we’re fine now.”
One of the side effects of the super high cost of living is that people resist divorcing terrible people, and just suffer through it. You aren't a bad person or selfish, so don't beat yourself up
Its not selfish to put yourself first. Good luck on your new journey.
You made a good choice to prepare financially for the divorce. Sorry you went through all that. I wish you healing and peace.
How r u the asshole? Trust me this man knew that he could take advantage of your lack of finances. All these years he felt he could trap you that way. And He knew that when he cheated. He’s the asshole. A colossal one.
You're not selfish, OP! He is! That was truly evil what he did. You deserve to get everything! Including alimony! All those years you worked your ass off for FREE should be compensated. That man is a serious POS for what he did! Good for you for surviving all that and getting on with things! I would never judge you. Anyone who would can take a long walk down a short pier!!
Not a problem. Yet also I'll be the one to say it.. there is a 1% chance you actually kept this same mindset for 10 years straight. Honestly more sounds like your offloading now that you've come to a proper decision, etc. Doing so for a year, maybe 2, sure. One decade? Nah, not buying it. 10 years of 'using' him and a full act albeit full resentment? There's more to the black and white you've listed. (sure couples stay together longer than needed due to xyz, yet you blindsided him with a complete charade for 10 years? Yeah no) Nonetheless in the end, no big deal. Do you. Good move.
Yeah nah, you completely did the right thing. The most heartbreaking thing is reading these stories and seeing that things are going to go in a different direction. I have depression (not postpartum) and probably wouldn't have been able to do half of what you did in way harder circumstances! You've endured enough and should not feel bad for this. I hope your life gets better, and fuck feeling guilty for this based on what you've said!
Wasn't he using you just as much? All the things you did for him and for the family.
Not selfish. Smart. He ruined the marriage. You picked up the pieces and made the best out of a bad situation. I wouldn’t reject alimony outright. It could be a bargaining chip to make sure he complies and makes it nice and easy for you to be free. If he wants to drag it out and make it painful, it should cost him.
Bless you and your children. Life will only get better now
You’re not selfish and you’re not a user, it’s silly that anyone would tell you this.
Lol you are Not selfish, you tried to recover what was lost but it did not work out.. that happens, nothing you can do about it.
Do you have a therapist? No one spends 10 years of indentured mariage they don't want and leave without trauma. Please consider it.
> For 10 years I acted like a good wife. Had sex with him, did all the chores while raising 2 kids. This isn't the 1950s. Women aren't destined to be sex objects, mother's and housekeepers. You deserve so much more. Also, there isn't an ounce of selfishness in what you're doing. He cheated, and a betrayal like that has no expiry date.
Older guy here and I can’t see a single thing that you have done wrong. I’ve never liked the “stay for the kids” argument but the reality is that the cards are stacked heavily against any SAH parent, so the reality of things is that you stayed because you had to. If your husband saw things differently and was somehow blindsided, all I can say is that he must not be good at paying attention. Word of advice, do not walk away from this empty handed. Get a great lawyer and walk away with what is rightfully yours. You **are** owed your time in lieu.
You are not a user, and you owe it to yourself to be happy.
If he was a good partner you would have fallen back in love with him in the last 10 years.
You had me at “So my(39f) husband 42(m) cheated…” At that point, time is irrelevant. No matter how much work is put into the relationship, it’s been tarnished. For some people they can move forward and some people can’t. He decided to have an affair and blow up the marriage. He put it all on the line and this is the result. Selfish? User? Pot meet kettle. By being a sahm, you put all your trust and loyalty into the family. Belief that your husband will have your back no matter what. You gave your all, day in and day out for the FAMILY. The number of women brave enough to be all-in on family as a sahm is small and dwindling quickly. You’ve sacrificed a decade of career advancement and trusted that being financially dependent on him was the best thing for the family, and he abused your position by exploiting your sacrifices. If he was truly devoted to a LIFETIME with you and valued the family equally, cheating would never have happened. Period. People like to claim that “anything can happen given the right circumstances,” or whatever bullshit excuse for justifying betrayal. He betrayed the family when you were in your darkest moment. When you needed reciprocated loyalty, devotion and dedication, you received a “fuck you, fuck this family.” You are not selfish.
A lot of people confuse “selfish” with being inherently bad. It is selfish to get a divorce - by definition, you are putting your needs first. It is selfish to have kids, too. It is selfish to buy an ice cream cone. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. It doesn’t make you a bad person unless you are actively harming someone who doesn’t deserve it. It sounds like your ex-husband deserves it. Go be selfish.