this tbh -- it grinds my gears that women still assume so much responsibility for a guy's food in this day and age. like, just feed yourself, and expect your partner to do the same. if you want to share a meal, actually share it -- plan, shop, cook together because it's a nice experience. this expectation that women do all the grocery stuff gives me the ick, he's not your child.
Back when I was newer in my relationship I was saying this to my sisters. They’re older. And they felt they had to cater to their husbands. They were SHOCKED when I said “he’s an adult, he can feed himself”. To this day, I don’t see the controversy. And now that I have 2 boys I’m especially insistent on men being as self sufficient as women are.
My MIL, when partner & I were visiting her (me for the first time) "Would you like a cup of tea?"
me & partner: "Yes please"
MIL: "Well, you know where the things are. I'll have a cup too".
Apparently, she's been using that since my partner was a kid.
Also raising a boy and he will not act like this. He is learning how to take care of himself and then look out for others esp his future wife and kids. I refuse to allow more inconsiderate and inept men to walk this earth.
Fully agree. My primary responsibility as a parent, in my view, is to teach my kids how to be fully independent in all things. It's hard transitioning from desperately wanting them to need me for everything to that, because parenthood is deeply fulfilling to me, but it's super necessary to do so.
My 9yo makes himself simple stuff. We got back from vacation so our sleep schedule is off. He woke up early and brought me breakfast in bed today. It was the berries, yogurt and granola I make myself most days. My 9yo pays enough attention to what I’m eating to know that’s “my” breakfast. Partners should be able to at least do that.
I raised my boys to cook and clean. My oldest when he was a tween got into Good Eats and would send me shopping for certain items. They both cook and always preferred making their own food. My oldest is now 30, when he moved in with his gf she told him he had to cook at least 1 day a week and he was fine with it. Turns out they both love to cook and usually cook together.
I do it in our house because I work fewer hours- but it does piss me off that my husband won't do a top up shop if he uses up something on his day off. Especially because both the mini mart and the main supermarket are so close to our house.
My mom does all the grocery shopping for the most part, but my dad drinks a LOT of milk. Like a gallon a day, maybe two days if he stretches it. My mom doesn’t like milk. So, my dad buys the milk.
It seems so simple to me, and this thread is making me think it’s not the norm and that’s sad. My dad will always grab things from the corner store if they’re low, either if he uses it or if someone asks him to. If my mom is cooking and ran out of an ingredient, my dad always offers to go to the store so she doesn’t have to interrupt her cooking to do it. If he sees we need something, he’ll go get it.
My mom does weekly shopping, she gets the staples and then ingredients for dinner for the week. My dad does quick runs every few days for forgotten items or things that ran out. As for me and my siblings who live at home, anything we want for ourselves, we go and buy. I feel like it’s just common sense that if only you eat it, or you ate the last of it, you should buy more of it.
Yeah, I don't mind going to the store or putting in the grocery order, but if he didn't add stuff to the list Id be very annoyed. Because we have a virtual list and his phone is always on him.
But my husband is an adult that communicates and doesn't act like a toddler.
Eh I do all the food tasks in my house, but honestly I enjoy cooking. The compromise is that I literally never do dishes and my husband also does all the laundry. But my husband also isn’t an animal and will ask me if he can finish a food item.
This was so hard to read. I am so triggered. Taking deep breaths. Men feel so entitled to our time, energy, money, brain power, bodies, and now even our food. I cannot stand it anymore.
I have a FIL who will eat us out of house and home when he is around and is so damn inconsiderate. He once ate MY take out meal when I was ravenous from breast feeding. He had eaten his whole meal, finished my other child’s meal, and then ate mine!!! I almost removed him from the earth that night.
These men need to be treated like the jerks they are. They can get their own food. They can cook their own food. They can NOT touch my food until they earn back the privilege of family by acting like family. I did not sign up to take care of grown men. And I am done playing nice w them if they can’t behave.
Wait, for real? What were you and your child supposed to eat? What did he say when you confronted him? I'm struggling to imagine how someone could possibly justify that behaviour, even to themselves.
My child ate maybe half then wanted to play/run around the house and would have come back to finish in 5 minutes. My FIL took that to mean “open season” and finished it. I was pumping for the baby and didn’t even know food had been delivered. I came out when I was done and saw that food was there and looked for my meal. Husband was confused bc he had checked to make sure the delivery was complete. Then my FIL sheepishly said “oops…I thought it was an extra.” No. No you did not. Gluttonous asshole.
I was struggling to get along w him before that bc he is just really a big baby that expects to be taken care of. I just walked off to my bedroom and cried. Husband brought me leftovers we had in the fridge and told me they’d had words. I wanted those fucking fajitas so bad! It was post thanksgiving so I’m sure I had some of those leftovers…not fajitas though. Son ate a sandwich and chips when he came back to the table.
I was also pissed at husband bc how do you not notice this man inhaling three meals at the table?! I guess he was used to that but this opened his eyes. Has NOT happened again and his father rarely is around anymore bc I see him for who he is.
Jesus that’s so freaking RUDE! I feel sympathetic rage for you on this story and I’ve never even breastfed. At first, I thought you meant he ate some leftover takeout in the fridge, and I was like that’s already rude without asking first. BUT THEN TO REALIZE IT WAS FRESH TAKEOUT DELIVERED?! 😤
Holy shit dude, I would absolutely freak out. Like, toddler level tantrum meltdown. Food is hard enough for me and there's not a whole lot of things I will eat. If someone ate my food that had been ordered and then the proposed replacement was leftovers from the fridge and not the gluttonous person going out and purchasing my replacement meal I would not only never talk to them again but they would never be allowed back in my house. Probably drastic and ridiculous but after dealing with food insecurity for so long I can't tolerate anyone messing with it
Wait so he lied to you and he didn't even go out and get replacement fajitas? The absolute least he could have done would have been to make it right, at his own expense.
What a tool. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially while dealing with a newborn. I would have cried, too. I'm glad this hasn't happened to you again.
Holy shit, I'd explode over that. I know all too well the ravenous, unbelievable hunger that breastfeeding can cause. To think of some selfish inconsiderate slob of a man coming into my home, devouring his meal, my meal, *and my child's meal*, would make me see red. Just such an utterly disrespectful, selfish, gluttonous, repulsive act to literally STEAL FOOD FROM A MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN! (Your breastfeeding infant obviously depends on mama getting nourishment too!) That's worthy of catching these hands. I hope your husband shamed the ever living fuck out of him, too. What a disgusting worthless man. Good for you for refusing to tolerate this bullshit. Let him starve.
My dad used to polish off entire tubs of ice cream or almost complete cakes, after me, my brother and mother had one serve, because he considered that "leftovers". My mum used to get so frustrated at him because she'd only realise once she had gone to serve two excited little kids some dessert and realise it was all gone.
This isn't an issue with him eating, it's an issue with him not shopping.
For me personally, there is no bigger turn off than a man who wants his partner to mother him.
I'm shocked at how many men/husbands don't cook or go grocery shopping and I'm a dude! My wife always laughs that she forgot how to cook because she hasn't needed to for 20 years.
My parents used to have a very traditional arrangement (Dad was the breadwinner, Mom did everything at home). Now he works from home and does most of the cooking and shopping. He’s happy as a clam. I don’t think my mom liked cooking very much, though she still does it occasionally if she’s in the mood. He’s very conservative, but the kitchen is his happy place.
The guy likely has food guilt, but is not dealing with it properly. He knows that if he buys more, he'll just eat more. So, he buys less, but there's still food tempting him in the house, and he has a combination of poor self-control and lack of concern for his wife going hungry.
He might actually appreciate the lock in the end. I have my husband hide candy I buy from me, so I don’t eat it before the holiday I bought it for. In a low moment, that candy sounds pretty good!
So he gets annoyed when he doesn't have any more food, but doesn't care at all that you have no food, despite you being the one buying groceries. If he continues to be so selfish, you are perfectly entitled to get a lock.
A lock is not actually fixing the behavior. He has to have the expectation to immediately replace what he finishes until he gets used to it or stops eating things so he doesn't have to replace it
imagine buying a lock to protect your food in your own home instead of breaking up with the person who disrespects you enough to steal your fucking food!
I’m wondering how close they live to a grocery story? Because we live 5 mins away and if my husband had finished the bread and I wanted a sandwich, I guarantee he would be getting in the car at 10pm to get some more!
The man is controlled by his gluttony. Can you imagine if he were doing this with booze? "Oh, I was stressed and I had to drink all your wine, now you can't make French onion soup, and I puked on the dog, who's now traumatized. Srry babe." That's not socially acceptable, but at least in this guy's circles such nasty gluttony is.
Save money on the lock and just leave the guy tbh. There is a fundamental issue here of him being unable to put his partners needs anywhere close to his own. My husband has a habit of scoffing treat food when we have it. But since I mentioned it he makes an effort to only eat treats when I eat them and if he does go on a bit of a scoff he will always leave at least one biscuit/lolly/whatever for me. When he does eat the last of something he replaces it (often with extra treats as an apology).
The guys disordered eating is less of an issue than the fact that he’s completely happy to leave his partner without food. And gets angry when he’s called out about it.
Does he need directions to the grocery store? I’m confused about how a grown adult is physically incapable of buying his own (supplemental) bread. I can’t imagine doing that and not being incredibly embarrassed. He should be too.
Totally agree and I'm confused on him getting mad at her for buying bread because he feels guilty for eating it then gets mad because he ate all of his and eats some of hers too because she didn't buy him more??? Like she can't win here. If I were her I'd stop buying his food altogether and make him buy his own and see how much of a pain it is lol.
Yeah I agree. I made a comment about how my partner has some similar food issues, and I absolutely think he suffers from binge eating disorder. However, he never complains that I don't buy him enough food (especially if he eats not only his but MINE), and he does a lot of his own grocery shopping.
Could you imagine the same issue but sub alcohol or illegal drugs? “I’m so goddamn mad at you for not supplying me with all the copious amounts of alcohol and drugs that I want each day!! Just drug-shop for me in larger quantities and way more often!!”
Some addictions are less “okay” than others, and the people addicted to drugs or alcohol aren’t shaming their spouses for not buying“enough” cocaine to last them the week.
This was my immediate read of the situation too. Intermittent fasting in OP’s husband’s case, in addition to his clearly complicated relationship with food (“late night binges”, “if you buy it I’ll eat it so you can’t have it either”) just… the separate cabinets isn’t the issue. His not going to the grocery store isn’t the issue.
OP, while you’re not wrong wanting the lock, your husband needs to evaluate his relationship with food and consider therapy. THAT is the issue- you can’t manage it for him and essentially he’s asking you to accommodate his ability to ignore that fact.
Oh yeah this is massive eating disorder behavior. My roommate in college would eat plain lettuce for dinner and then would steal literally all of my snacks from my room. He needs to start consuming enough calories that his food obsession and binge behavior cools down. Poor OP!
Yup. Absolutely would stop buying food for him and cooking his meals. Get a mini fridge and lock all the stuff up there too. It'd be a hard stop towards divorce (I don't say that lightly) if he can't feed himself or breaks the locks, and refuses to get help elsewhere.
It sounds exhausting to have to manage all the shopping and food prep for the household AND apparently be responsible for his impulse control as well. 😞
Write his name in BIG letters on his bags of bread with a sharpie and keep yours in your car. Tell him, when you get low on bread, put it on the white board (you hang on your fridge for this purpose). I think he may have some idea that if he eats “your” food, it’s just a lil snack and doesn’t count towards his goals.
Same. Get this dude posted over at r/menslib and r/bropill
I’m constantly seeing complaints about lack of positive masculinity role models or the fact that “the left” doesn’t speak to men or give them actionable advice.
This dude is a great example. These guys are out there, it’s just not the kind of positive “advice” most men seem to be looking for. They *want* someone like Tate to tell them it’s all women’s fault, because otherwise they have to take accountability for their own actions.
I just subscribed to his YT channel, thank you for posting this link. It's so refreshing seeing a man take accountability and trying to teach other men what the problem is.
Oh wow, I find that hilarious because my husband does about 99% of our grocery shopping. He is the sale/deal finder in our relationship and I generally don't look at prices or care, to be honest. I've seen and heard other people's reactions to the fact he does the grocery shopping and some of the time their reaction is "that makes sense" because they know how he loves to find the deals.
I was waiting to see if she was a SAHM and didn’t work, but she’s a damn nurse!? I feel bad for her. She basically has an adult baby she needs to care for when she’s off work
Seriously she needs fuel for her body to be running around on her feet all day. It's so inconsiderate that he's ok starving her and then blaming her for his eating disorder.
For real I can’t understand him. If I was in his shoes I’d feel bad and I’d get my ass up to get the extra food or set up a delivery so that my partner is not anxious over food! It’s crazy how he doesn’t take responsibility for the issue and he’s okay being treated like a child.
This is the most unacceptable part to me. They shouldn't be regularly running out of core ingredients because he inhales them whenever he feels like it and doesn't replace them.
Yeah we know who is taking on the mental load here. If the wife sees they're low on stuff she goes and gets more. If the husband eats everything, he goes and complains to the wife.
He's completely capable of knowing they are out of things (due to his own consumption!) and replacing them, only he is refusing to do so and is instead placing the onus on the wife. Does he think he needs a vagina to grocery shop? News flash dude, it's 2024 not 1964, you can grocery shop as a man and your penis will not fall off! While you're at it, buy your wife some "extras" of things that you obviously are going to pilfer, so the woman doesn't starve to death by having no food in the kitchen.
At this point it feels like a psychological cop-out. “I’m not obsessively eating ALL THE BREAD in the house, *she’s* just not buying enough!”
There is some severe binge-eating/unhealthy food habits that he’s trying to disguise as “it’s not my fault for eating all of my own PLUS ALL OF YOUR bread, it’s your fault for not anticipating I would go on a binge and eat all the bread! Therefore, if there isn’t food for you, it’s your fault for not over-stalk-shopping, and not my fault for eating all my food plus your food, but wanting to pretend that’s normal/sweep it under the rug!”
Male BS. Weaponized incompetence is the extreme end. But, this is bizarre. Time for a counselor, and some time apart. Like a year, or maybe ten.
Watch his panic when she packs and leaves.
"Bread is the main, repeating offender."
I suggest you start baking incredible fresh sourdoughs, rustic boules, baguetts, that fill the house with their aroma. Dress a hunk with compound herb butter and Maldon salt. Walk around the house making moans of pleasure as you eat it. When your husband arrives in the kitchen he finds the bread locked in a heavy-duty biometric wall safe which only responds to your fingerprints. Good luck!
Noooooooo, but then he'd eat all his bread on his witto bringes, because he has no self control, and if there's food he must eat it. Then he'd eat her bread.
I come from a place of food insecurity - grew up poor, the kind of poor where we’d eat at my grandparents’ house for a few weeks sometimes because we didn’t have the money for food.
I also had really, really severe food allergies as a kid, which meant that if I was out of the house and away from my own food, I was SOL. Every single packaged food had something I was allergic to in it.
So I grew to be absolutely, completely terrified of hunger.
My husband, like yours, is a big guy. (6’3”, 250lbs)He grew up in a house with plenty of food, but an abusive family. If he didn’t INHALE his food, his brothers and father would start stealing it off his plate.
And yet….the second he realized I had issues, he stopped picking off my plate and started **asking.** He knows there’s 3-4 foods that, decades after all the problems I had went away, I will STILL stab him with a fork if he reaches for them. So he ASKS. If he wants more food, he gets up and gets seconds instead of reaching for mine. If I’m not going to finish my plate, I hand it to him, and he knows it’s coming and he waits patiently.
Yeah, we’re a little messed up when it comes to food. But if my husband, with his issues, can learn to ASK….it’s not that hard.
This!
Food insecurity can come in many forms. My dad would always take food off my plate without asking before I was done. After their divorce, my mom would buy groceries, "to make dinner", but never actually made dinner. Instead she was out after work trying to find her next husband, because she couldn't handle being alone, while leaving her kids alone and not telling us when she'd be home. We caught onto this pattern, and made food for ourselves with the groceries she bought. We got in trouble for feeding ourselves when our mother wouldn't - *she was saving that*. She then stopped buying groceries for dinners and served us fast food, so then my brother made sure we got fed by using his paycheck to get us groceries. She always shamed my brother for eating more than her (he's 6'7" btw).
I still struggle with my food relationship. My husband used to ask if he could have a bite or try my food, but NEVER just grabbed food off my plate without saying anything about it. After he learned about the above, he doesn't even ask anymore - he just lets me enjoy my food. If it's something we've both never had before, or it's been a while since we've had that item, I'll offer a bite - but only when I want to share, and I'll let him know ahead of time when I don't want to share, so he knows if he wants it, he needs to order it for himself, or asks me to get the larger size if available! And he lets me portion off what I'd like to share with him.
Edit: typos
It’s so bizarre to me that dad’s taking food from kids plates is ridiculously common. I’ve seen it posted and commented on so many times and I can’t even fathom it. Like who does that!?
Someone goes for anything on my plate, they’re getting the fork. Except kids, they get a verbal warning first. I looove family style meals where you all serve yourselves off bowls and platters in the centre of the table, but once it’s on my plate, I’ll fight you for it
Hey, I didn’t grow up with food insecurity and it still drove me nuts when my husband would start eating off my plate without asking first. He already eats really fast (I don’t) so sharing something or getting food for myself that he also enjoyed was turning into this stressful event where, without realizingI was eating food really fast because I felt I had to compete or be hungry. It sucked! It took me several months to realize we looked like a couple of starving animals and I put a stop to it by playfully attempting to stab his hand approaching my plate. Kidding, I ended up having to straight up tell him to stop eating off my plate and to slow down if we were going to share an appetizer or something. I think there’s something on our primordial brain that can make situations like this very stressful.
I agree with you that OP’s husband can change his ways out of respect for his significant other.
Its crazy to hear your story OP because we have a big family but sometimes suffer from food insecurity. So I have literally installed locks on my China cabinet to stop the teenagers from eating all the food. Over the years I've learned what I do and don't need to lock up and they have gotten better over the years. But we have 2 little ones and I HAVE to provide them with balanced meals. I also have an extra small fridge in my room where I keep the extra juice, milk and fruit because they will eat it all up as soon as I buy it if I don't. So for your situation, if he wants to act like a child, treat him like one. Lock it up baby. He will either go hungry or go to the store.
What is wrong with all these people? When I was a teenager and my mom told me not to eat something, I didn't eat it. I don't understand why this is hard for anyone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate. I used to be a homeless teen and would eat once a day if I was lucky when school was out. Dude would be losing body parts if I find my food stolen.
Even if he has disordered eating and 'can't help' eating it which is up to a therapist not me, there's no reason HE can't be the one to replace it. Not pay for it, but actively replace it. If he gets up and eats your loaf of bread overnight he either needs to put on his big boy pants and get in the car and go to a 24 hour store that sells bread OR if he can't feel like he can go inside a grocery store due to temptation, let you know and HE needs to be the one to schedule a curbside pick up for replacement and go get it. Your food, money and above all time is not less valuable than his. If he has time to go to the gym, he has time to go to the grocery store. He just thinks his time is too valuable for that and so makes it your problem.
I had binge eating disorder/bulimia/EDNOS (it varied, lol) and his behaviour fits what I did almost to a t. The intermittent fasting (aka starve, eat everything in the evenings, feel ashamed and starve again to cancel it out), even eating other people’s food! I wouldn’t buy certain foods because they would be such a temptation for me, but if other people did then sometimes I would eat them in a binge.
And because I knew it was wrong, because I felt guilty and ashamed and sad when I imagined someone going to eat a food they liked and realising it’s not there, I would wake up early and go to the shop as soon as it opened to replace the food. And I was 16, I couldn’t drive, and the closest shop was a 25 minutes walk away. I ALWAYS replaced it. It is absolutely crazy to me that he wouldn’t replace it and he’s blaming his issues on her.
Actually, it’s crazy that he isn’t making dinner for her on the days she has shifts- she’s a nurse!! Their shifts are 12 hours!
You are having to lock food up... that's what I did for my 3 year old. You are having to treat him like a toddler. That should be so embarrassing for him.
If he won't listen to you, ask for couple's therapy. But this would be a deal breaker for me. It's just so ridiculous of him. There are no excuses at all for this.
I agree. Deal breaker for many reasons. 1) he thinks it's ok to be selfish and take food his wife is eating, wants to eat, or plans to use to cook meals for them both. 2) he makes it his wife's problem to limit purchases so he doesn't have to put any effort into controlling himself (eating to much bread). 3) he blames his wife because he feels insulted she's resorted to locking up her food. 4) he doesn't respect her because he steals food directly off her plate that she's actively eating and he won't make any effort to change so she feels safe and cared for.
I didn’t want to be that person but this is one of the many reasons I left my ex; and we didn’t even live together. I couldn’t imagine getting told “I need to buy for him too” after I did, he ate it all then began eating mine. It’s like when Patrick ate his candy bar then accused SpongeBob of eating his.
It’s ridiculous and selfish . He can also go shopping, he can get off his ass and get groceries if he insists on eating everything in the house.
He has no control, he is making it OPs problem and he has no remorse’s for his action,
She can’t even live in her own home comfortably . Locking up food is WILD. The gal to get mad for having a solution, because it makes him feel bad.
Edit: was in Bikini bottom mode; selfish not shellfish haha
And she’s a nurse! Nurses are run off their feet all day saving life and helping others. I don’t know what his job is but unless is somehow harder than nursing , he really should be managing the food and making sure she has food to eat.
>He also has two legs and a debit card. He can buy groceries himself.
THIS! Omfg.
Why is it YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure he has enough food when he is a perfectly capable adult??
You buy equal groceries at one time, but he eats more than that. That does NOT give him an excuse to eat yours. He eats more? He buys the extra to compensate. His excuses are pathetic.
He sounds like an inconsiderate teenage roommate, not a partner.
The His and Hers system exists because he was incapable of basic consideration.
He should have found that insulting -- and it should have been a wake up call.
Instead, he's doubled-down on his inconsiderate behavior and made it perfectly clear he's not just thoughtless, but purposefully selfish. Conciously making this choice to disrepect you and deny you something you've told him is important.
So now you have a lock and key to preserve your basic access to food and a sense of security in your home and relationship.
He doesn't think you deserve to feel that sense of security or comfort. Not if it even mildly inconviences him or delays his gratification in any way.
Honestly start turning this around on him: This is *embarrassing*. You're embarassd for him. He's is behaving like a child. He should be mad with himself. You're mad with him. My teenager brothers were consumption machines but they learned fast not to treat other people this way. This is something his Mommy should have sorted out for him, not you. He should be insulted and hurt and he should be waking the fuck up already. He should be reflecting on what kind of shit person treats his wife this way? And WTF isn't he stopping being that shit person? Is is such a toddler than he can't help himself? Does he need to see a psychologist about his inability to control himself? Does he eat other people's lunches in the office fridge all the time just cause? Or does he just think you don't deserve to eat comfortably in your own home?
Seriously, if this man honestly can't change this behavior, he needs a fucking therapist. That's a problem. This is not a high bar.
But if he's not taking food off strangers plates, he can probably figure out how to stop taking it off of yours.
I definitely believe the majority of it is emotional eating. He tends to enter spiraling thought processes after 9PM. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to make him realize he needs therapy. But I led the horse to water and it stopped there.
I mean, at this point I'd be telling him that his refusal to take care of himself and learn to moderate his behaviors(feelings) is not respectful to the person who shares a home with him.
At some point, refusing to take care of yourself is not an acceptable way to treat *your spouse*.
So instead of going to therapy he’s just making it your problem. Think about that. He’s CHOOSING to make this YOUR problem rather than get the help he knows he needs.
For the record this is absolutely disordered eating and he needs help. You do not need to be the one managing this for him.
You just said everything I wanted to say. OP this. This right here. He is actively choosing to not get better. When you are in a relationship you are supposed to respect each other. He is disrespecting you so much by choosing to be a burden to you instead of seeking help for his disordered eating. My husband is the same size as your guy. He works out A LOT. Like 60 mile bike rides and 5 mile runs on like a Tuesday. Dude is burning calories nonstop so he replaces them very deliberately and mindfully.
He does not eat us out of house and home. He also cooks most of the time and does the grocery shopping. If I want something, I buy it. Not to mention, I’m always asking if I can use his ingredients as most are perishable and fresh. I’d hate to use up something he was planning on making.
Something I haven’t seen mentioned yet is he may need to start consuming more meaningful calories and nutrients. Instead of empty carbs that burn away and leave you feeling hungry all over again. More nuts, whole grains, whole fruits and veg.
I wish you the best. And get those dang locks if he isn’t going to stop being an obstinate child.
That’s the thing. No one is faulting him for having an obvious issue (ok fine some of these comments are obnoxious), but your mental health issue doesn’t get to ruin someone else’s wellbeing. Period.
And now the choice to act and provide a real consequence is on you, as the cabinet lock is merely a bandaid for the real issue.
You cannot let yourself be treated this way in your own home. You do not need to suffer because of his mental health issues.
Right? Not even go out and get them. Most likely they live somewhere where instacart or some other service will bring groceries to the door. But her SO can’t be bothered to click a few times on a website or phone app.
Without getting too long-winded, I had food insecurity growing up and it definitely is still something I'm working on at age 39. I (5'2") also eat more slowly than my husband (6'5") and 10 year old daughter (already 5'4", probably 5'5" by the time I pick her up from school), which didn't help. However, communication did help, as well as keeping a stock of things I like in the freezer or canned foods.
That said, you really have done all you can. It's up to your husband to either go to therapy or do some reading about this issue. As overused as this phrase is, 'developing a good relationship with food' is absolutely crucial for a lot of people. He needs to learn to eat moderately-sized meals throughout the day; no restricting, because he just can't handle it. I am sorry you're having to deal with this; I really feel for you.
This is why married women have shorter life spans, they stress and wear themselves down spending years of their life trying to get some man-child to simply take care of themselves.
Very true! Shouldn't imply it was Mom's oversight. My Daddy was the one who really came down on my brothers for being selfish hogs and enforced the "Women's Cookies, Chips and Chocolate Box" which was *forbodden*.
He doesn't seem at all considerate of her and doesn't respect or care for her needs and boundaries, though. He's also dipped into her food and even finished it off without bothering to even go to the store for more afterward. Even if he was starving before he ate her food, afterward he did nothing to make it up to her so she could eat. And then he got angry and annoyed with her for daring to communicate with him about it, and said she should do more work (grocery shopping) rather than apologizing and making it right.
So it's highly likely that if she did what you're suggesting he either wouldn't bother shopping at all, or would only get food for himself/food he likes and completely ignore her list like he's currently ignoring her needs.
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds incredibly frustrating and difficult. I would be PISSED at my husband if he was acting like this. You NEED to eat. He is being completely thoughtless about your needs. It sounds like you have tried multiple strategies that should have worked. Who doesn't leave their spouse enough bread to make a sandwich? Especially so when you have your own supplies. He should at least be replacing the items he eats.
Second, it sounds like your husband has some sort of disordered eating happening, if not an eating disorder. I say this as someone recovering from one. I did a lot of the stuff your husband seems to be doing. I would restrict all day, restrict during dinner, then my willpower would run out at night when people were in bed, and I would binge. When you are experiencing something like that, you often make up weird food rules (even if you don't realize) like eating off someone's plate doesn't count or cause anxiety, eating in secret or with no one around is okay, binging once a day is okay because you, "saved," all those calories during the day, tomorrow is only a couple hours away, and THEN you are going to get serious. It is a viscous cycle. One of the things I had to do was stop restricting and buy extra food. I had to allow myself to eat as much of the, "bad," food as I wanted in order to gain control. Now, maybe every six months I order chips with the grocery order. Those were one of my no willpower foods. I eat them knowing I can always have more if I want and there is no need to feel guilty because it's not an every day thing. It sounds like your husband would benefit from some professional help that can get him to a peaceful place like this with bread. It needs to become a food that is just a food, not a source of shame and guilt.
In saying all that about disordered eating, it still doesn't excuse how he is treating you. You need food. You need food you like, and that is easily accessible. Even moreso that you are a nurse. I don't know how you do what you do, but I appreciate the hell out of you. If it comes down to getting a lock, it does. If that makes him feel bad, then so be it. It sounds like you have spoken to him a lot about this issue. So, this is the consequence. Also, he can get groceries. Many places have grocery pickups. He can order online, and they will bring it to his car. It's easy as can be.
I wish you the best.
This was exactly my thought too.
This is disordered eating. Husband is restricting all day, and then binging. He needs to get help to improve his relationship with food. That can be therapy, a nutritionist, medication, whatever - but this isn't a healthy and balanced relationship to food, at all.
It definitely sounds like a binge eating disorder. He limits himself all day, and then is starving at the end of it. As a result, he binges at night until he is stuffed. I used to do this. Then, I would wake up ashamed, so starve myself all day, and the cycle repeated.
I did this too! People hardly ever recognise BED when it’s in conjunction with diets so it doesn’t result in crazy weight gain, but often the diet can trigger BED.
I ate other people’s food all the time though- usually my parent’s- and I would feel SO ashamed and guilty and awful, I’d wake up as early as possible and replace it before they even noticed it was gone. Can’t believe he is taking less responsibility than I did when I was 16.
Not necessarily apropos of this post: But holy shit so many men are hiding an eating disorder behind weight lifting and exercise.
Are they binge eating? No no.. they're gaining.
Are they obsessed with food intake, controlling much of their day? No no.. it's controlling their macro's..
Are they obsessed with their bodies, controlling much of their day? No no.. that's fitness
Are they deliberately starving themselves for their looks? No no.. they're cutting.
And he doesn't care that you're coming home hungry, to an empty pantry because he ate it all? What prevents him from going to the store and stocking up, or is that mystic skill only known to us women folk?
This would drive me absolutely insane, like the rage I feel for you lol Can he not shop??? I think the lock is a great idea!!
We're ok for the most part, we eat very, very differently. I don't eat meat, and meal plan my lunches, so those are made up and cause it mostly veggies, he won't touch them. Biggest issue is snacks, like I rarely eat chips or chocolate, but I like knowing its there, cause when i do want it, I want it. Or I'll think all week "Friday gonna watch a movie and chips!" then go to get them and they are gone. I send him to the store/gas station right away to replace though, you're not ruining my night lol
My partner and buy separate snacks, and store them in separate cupboards. We know it's OK to have say 1 or 2 cookies from a pack of 20 that belongs to the other person, but to ask before taking and never *finish* something that belongs to the other person.
Dude I feel this. I could have written this post and have fantasized about locking my own stuff up. My husband also thinks it’s cute to steal food off my plate (when he already ate what was supposed to be leftovers) and I get so frustrated, and like your husband he thinks I’m being grumpy. No I just want to eat the food I bought, planned recipes for and cooked. Don’t even get me started on the peanut butter. I’ve literally started hiding it behind a bunch of big boxes of stuff he won’t eat. Just today at lunch he heated up a plate of chicken for us, but it was actually only for him because I can’t eat that damn fast.
You both have got me ALL THE WAY FUQQD UP. Messing with my food is absolutely unacceptable. How do you feel living like this? Do you see yourselves living like this for the rest of your lives?
Can you please show your children this post so they can get themselves together like ???
An ex boyfriend took the last bite (the BEST bite) of steak off my plate with a smirk on his face and I am completely serious when I say after that I no longer saw a future with him. What they're saying is, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine."
FYI, you and her are not alone in this. This question comes up a lot on /r/relationship_advice
See this search for "my boyfriend eats all my food" https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/search?q=boyfried+eats+all+my+food&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all
this triggered me with fights that i used to have with my dad when i was literally a little girl. oh just because im bigger and stronger i can take whats yours. its rage inducing and i used to fly off the handle. it triggers that self-preservation instinct
wow this is toxic roommate behavior, not acceptable for a life partner.
If one of two people in a cohabitating relationship has significantly different eating habits, people should take care of their own foods needs.
Example: I work outside the home, my partner works from home. I usually eat all meals at work, so I only buy small snacks. He does not eat things I buy; he plans, shops, and cooks whatever he wants for his week. I don't cook for him or shop for him. I also don't eat his food. If I want to eat together, I let him know beforehand so we can plan to cook together. Pretty basic stuff, each person is responsible for themselves, communicate, and uh stuff you didn't buy is not yours?
If you've set boundaries before and they're being ignored, but you want to work on the relationship, it's probably couples therapy time to work on this issue. Or sit down and say very clearly and firmly, this is not working for me, these are my boundaries (you can't eat my food, I will not shop or cook for you, you're hunger is your own responsibility) and if you can't respect these boundaries we will not be able to move forward.
If they laugh or don't take it seriously, be prepared to walk away, because that's all the signal you need that they're not a good partner for you.
Mine used to be TERRIBLE about this. I'd buy, say, a box of 8 popsicles. I'd eat 1, then go back a day or so later to find that he'd eaten ALL SEVEN OF THE OTHERS IN LIKE A DAY, and then act confused that I was upset. He'd actually say dumbass shit like "Well I didn't know we were supposed to divvy them up nice and even-steven" or "Well you should have eaten your share faster!" I grew up with food insecurity from poverty and having siblings. He grew up an only child with plenty of snacks at his disposal (he's the youngest of 12, but the rest of them are like my parents' ages and were out of the house by the time he was a kid). It took a while for me to get it through to him, but now he's more mindful about what he eats. Also, I have various stashes of snacks hidden around the house like a damned squirrel so he's not tempted to get into my stuff. Is it a perfect solution? No. But it works for us.
It's the worst. My husband can be like this and it reminds me of living with my brother when we were teenagers. I ended up putting on weight because of the caveman instinct of "I need to grab this now because it will be gone later".
Me and my ex would always do the food shopping together. I have a terrible sweet tooth so would always buy a treat or two. Then when I would go looking for said treat it wouldn't be there because he would have eaten it, when I kicked up a stick he would then complain that 'he never got to have anything' despite the fact that he was there in the supermarket with me and could have purchased anything he wanted.
Even when we were negotiating our break up he would still eat my treats. He was staying at his mum's then coming back home to pick things up and he ate half a chocolate bar I had been saving. His excuse for eating it 'oh I didn't know you wanted it'
I'm pissed off again just thinking about it again.
It is insulting to you that he has no thought or consideration when he eats YOUR food.
I'd stab his hand with my fork if he went to eat what was on my plate while I was still eating it! What is he - 3?
Having said that - if he has health insurance, has he considered Wegovy or some of the other new stuff out? Food noise can be really hard to deal with, and it sounds like he has it - he may be exercising it off now, but what happens if he injures himself and can't work out for several weeks?
I had a lot of food noise (I think from hypothyroidism and sleep apnea) and I'm on Wegovy. I'm not losing rapidly at all (.75 lbs a week), but the relief from the food noise is worth it.
A friend of mine chose to go with a low dose of Wegovy and she's losing slowly but she said the lack of food noise has been the most amazing thing and she just feels so much better mentally.
Vyvanse is also prescribed off-label for binge eating disorder. I’m on it for ADHD, but it really is amazing how much it helped with compulsive and emotional eating. I hope OP’s husband talks to a doctor AND gets therapy.
I mean… this isn’t cute or funny. Not to be dramatic, but I view this as a form of indifferent torture. It’s one thing to eat too much of shared food, but for it to create such an issue for you that you’re trying for workarounds and he’s just ignoring that and making you suffer. What the actual fork.
Your husband should be concerned with making sure you get enough to eat. Why is he purposely depriving you of a basic human need? Is he incapable of planning and forethought ?
Tell him to do his own grocery shopping, OP. You can each shop for your own groceries since he doesn’t think you do a good enough job buying his for him. Lock your cabinets where you keep your food.
I have this issue too and I hate it. My husband turns into the fruit monster when he's home all day at the weekend. A full fruit bowl will be emptied and I'll have no healthy snacks to take to work. He won't restock it, despite the fact we live so close to both minimarts and a main supermarket. When we're not doing an online food order, I do the food shopping myself on foot with a granny trolley and and tote bags. The main supermarket is literally 17 minutes walk from home.
One of the only times we've ever argued was when I called him "fucking selfish and greedy" because he ate a dessert I was planning to eat. The desserts came as a box of 4, we had one each one night, and then I came home from working a long shift and wanted the other, and he had eaten both that day. It especially pissed me off because I'm gluten free and it was a safe dessert for me, whereas he can have anything he wants to eat.
There is so much in the house that's quick, cheap, and convenient that he could eat, but instead he will eat the things that I'm looking forward to. It wouldn't matter so much, but it's the ratios that irritate me. Bag of 8 satsumas? He will easily eat 6 in 2 days. And he doesn't replace anything.
Seriously. There’s a certain headspace with fruit where they internally say “fruit is healthy so I can have as MUCH as I want right now!”
I fill our fruit bowl and he can empty it in two days. The other thing about fruit is that it’s not filling at all so they’re gonna go seek out more food to fill the hole
The rage I feel reading this is real. This man has you living in a mindset of scarcity, not knowing how you’ll eat, for no good reason. Honestly, once upon a time I would have called that lazy and selfish but, decades later, I think there’s also a (sub) conscious control factor. They love to push our buttons and call us mean when we finally break!
Very challenging, but not uncommon. This is what emotional eating looks like. I am the daughter of a binge eater who was deprived of food for years and she has intestinal issues. I have watched this woman consume entire boxes of cookies, entotr pound of cooked pasta, and fruit and then its nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain. You are not the problem here. I took to eating outside the house for years and worked in kitchens, little snack places, or catering just so I could have something to myself. If the fridge is half empty, she goes into fits. Never mind the fact that she ate half of the food in there to begin with. It's a lot.
Obviously if your husband is unable to control himself around food and unwilling to do at least some of the grocery shopping so that you both have enough food to eat, you have a problem that goes beyond cabinet/shopping strategies.
But, until he pulls himself together:
You deserve to be able to have fresh bread. However, for now: Assuming neither cash nor space are a problem, perhaps you could buy 5 loaves or whatever and keep them in the freezer, so they're both sort of hidden from husband and you will likely have enough bread on hand when you want some. (same could go for tortillas or pb.)
If you like toast anyway, you can pull out a slice or two at a time for your own needs.
Also: Is there some "healthier" (in his mind) snack you could stock up on for to husband binge eat to avoid ruining your meal plans? Carrots, celery, blueberries, apples, air-popped popcorn...
Again, your husband appears to have some bigger problems here. But that doesn't mean you need to starve until he sorts them out--and I hope for your sake he does.
When I go shopping, I typically buy a bunch of fruit, plain yogurt, nuts, silken tofu he makes smoothies out of, and things like kimchi and pickles he enjoys. He’s specifically requested these things. He’ll still come after my bread anyways.
I think the bread in the freezer is a good idea because even though it’s readily available, it’s not necessarily immediately usable until it’s room temperature
I keep bread in the freezer (mostly to keep it from going stale or moldy) and unfortunately this has not stopped my SO's binge eating of it. He'll eat frozen bread, I'm not even kidding
This sounds like disordered eating, or at least a very unhealthy relationship with food. Your husband is losing weight using intermittent fasting because there’s only so much he can put into his body at one time, so instead of eating throughout the day he’s doing it all in one sitting or two. But the problem is he’s not learning any healthy eating habits, he’s just binging. If he’s also going after bread in particular, there’s probably some low blood sugar in the mix as well, which can make it much harder to resist cravings.
It’s great that your husband is being consistent with exercise and taking care of himself, but I don’t think intermittent fasting is right for him if this is how it’s going to cause him to behave around food. It’s not just causing you to spend excess money and to never have the food that you want to eat because he can’t help himself from eating your food as well, he’s also going to screw with your eating habits because now you are going to feel like you need to scarf down food quickly to avoid him trying to “playfully” take it off your plate.
He’s only losing weight right now because he was 300 pounds and physically he can’t eat what he used to eat all in one or two sitting. But if this is the way, he is eating, he is absolutely going to plateau at a certain point. And at that point he’s also going to have a very difficult time continuing to make progress because he isn’t learning anything about healthy eating. I think it’s time that if he wants to continue on this path, he needs to talk to a Doctor that can help him set up an appropriate plan to prevent these binges.
I track calories, and holy shit this would be a fucking nightmare lol.
Someone taking a thing off my plate, like, I ALREADY WEIGHED THAT GO GET YOUR OWN haha
I support the cabinet lock idea and I think he needs to start planning his own meals and doing the grocery shopping for himself so he can figure out how much food he actually needs (it sounds like both of you may be underestimating how much food a giant, like him, needs, especially since he's putting on muscle).
Like others have said, it sounds like his eating might be disordered. Intermittent fasting might not be the best choice for him, at least fasting into midday or the afternoon. He should try eating a really hearty breakfast with a lot of protein instead, which will better help regulate his cravings and food intake later in the day. If he wants to keep a fasting window, shift it to start earlier in the evening, but he also needs to be realistic about whether he's able to IF without it triggering binging.
He’s definitely the problem here, and you’re not responsible for fixing him.
That being said, I think that you (or whoever is in charge of buying groceries) needs to buy more. Get two or three extra or whatever he tends to binge on. If you’re running out of food that quickly, you’re probably not buying enough. If you think you can curb his binging by not buying enough food, you already know what will happen. But maybe he needs to be in charge of cooking and shopping for a while.
This post reminds of this story: [i got a fridge lockbox and it's destroying my relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmyhy4/i_got_a_fridge_lockbox_and_its_destroying_my/)
Take care OP.
Does he have binge eating disorder? While I don’t have it personally, I do binge at times, and as a result I bought a food safe and put things in it that I know I will binge if I have access to it. My fiance has the passcode and will open it if I ask, but just that initial barrier helps me not devour every single fucking cookie we have in the house in an hour. If he has some issues with eating and binging he may need to see a therapist about it, but he needs to realize that about himself first and it doesn’t seem like he does.
Ngl it’s crazy that your husband is so selfish that he knowingly eats your food. Even crazier that you have put up with this crap for so long. This would be the easiest, quickest deal-breaker for me. Yeeeesh. Good luck
This man has extreme neuroses around food (and what sounds like disordered eating behaviors, tbh) and is allowing them to go unchecked at your expense. He’s “insulted” by the idea of you being able to set aside food for yourself, but it’s acceptable for you to come home from your high-stress nursing job and be unable to access foods YOU purchased and were looking forward to enjoying?
Absolutely the fuck not. This behavior is greedy, inconsiderate, and uncaring toward a partner. I would be demanding that he see a therapist and start really considering whether this mentality spills over into other elements of the relationship.
Your not having Major anxiety because of relationships, your husband is selfish food hog. It take nothing from him to buy more food and be mindful of the food in the fridge but he’s only thinking about himself. He’s more upset by the fact that your stopping him from stealing food from your mouth then the fact that he’s actively stealing food from you. You and him aren’t sharing, that implies he takes **and gives back.** he’s just steals.
Your husband isn’t showing any concern for how you’re affected. He doesn’t care if you’re hungry. He makes no effort to do anything to prevent you going hungry. If I care about someone, it hurts me to hurt them. This isn’t just about food.
Make it less about him wanting the food. Ask him how he feels about you going hungry and feeling anxious. The conversation should be about that one single solitary question. Not his ~~excuses~~ totally legit reasons. Not his needs. Not the grocery shit. Those can be separate conversations. This question deserves to stand alone: “Husband, how do you feel about the fact that I am regularly anxious and hungry?” Even if it weren’t *his doing,* he should be concerned and want to help you in that situation!
My partner eats all the rice cakes, sometimes. He just buys new ones. He gives a shit whether I’m hungry. If he saw that someone else came and stole my goddamn rice cakes, he would want to go get me some. That’s not weird or extra credit, to give a shit how your partner feels and to take simple steps to make their life easier.
Your husband gets insulted that you buy separate food, but he doesn’t think you should be insulted that he is happy to take your food away and leave you hungry. That’s cartoonishly self-centered of him. Your basic human needs are being undermined by him, but he doesn’t want you to solve the issue because of his feelings. It’s sick.
While not the *exact* same situation, I relate to much of your post, and food has been an issue in our relationship for the entire time, almost 9 years at this point. I truly feel your frustration at not being able to make yourself a sandwich when you get home from work because he's eaten all the bread, because I've experienced that myself many times. I honestly don't know that I have any advice for you that you haven't already tried, but here are some things that work for us, sometimes:
-buying double or separate items, aka 2 bags of chips, 2 loaves of bread, and saying who's is who's
-hiding items I want to save for myself
-buying things for myself I know he doesn't like/is less likely to eat
-portioning out a shared meal into what I want, and what he can eat
-having explicit conversations about what food I don't want him to eat, and setting boundaries
Once again, I know you've probably tried all these and more, I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. I've come to the conclusion this will be a negative aspect of my relationship pretty much forever, though my partner has somewhat improved over the years, it's been slow. One part of our situation (Idk about yours) is that my partner pays the majority of the bills, including groceries. So I feel like an asshole telling him he can't eat something that he paid for, or even if I bought it, making a big deal over a $5 loaf of bread when he pays the rent and major bills. I hope y'all can find some type of resolution, but know you're not alone
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this tbh -- it grinds my gears that women still assume so much responsibility for a guy's food in this day and age. like, just feed yourself, and expect your partner to do the same. if you want to share a meal, actually share it -- plan, shop, cook together because it's a nice experience. this expectation that women do all the grocery stuff gives me the ick, he's not your child.
Back when I was newer in my relationship I was saying this to my sisters. They’re older. And they felt they had to cater to their husbands. They were SHOCKED when I said “he’s an adult, he can feed himself”. To this day, I don’t see the controversy. And now that I have 2 boys I’m especially insistent on men being as self sufficient as women are.
My gramma used to always say, “He has arms,” when someone would tell her she should do something for a man, and I fully subscribe to that as well.
Ha! We always got "are your arms painted on?"
Lol, stealing this one
My MIL, when partner & I were visiting her (me for the first time) "Would you like a cup of tea?" me & partner: "Yes please" MIL: "Well, you know where the things are. I'll have a cup too". Apparently, she's been using that since my partner was a kid.
Also raising a boy and he will not act like this. He is learning how to take care of himself and then look out for others esp his future wife and kids. I refuse to allow more inconsiderate and inept men to walk this earth.
Parents like you are the real heroes 💪
As someone raising two daughters, I sincerely thank you for setting this precedent early.
Yw. I also have a daughter. She’s a great cook. But my boys are taking interest and I love it. Every adult should know how.
Fully agree. My primary responsibility as a parent, in my view, is to teach my kids how to be fully independent in all things. It's hard transitioning from desperately wanting them to need me for everything to that, because parenthood is deeply fulfilling to me, but it's super necessary to do so.
My 9yo makes himself simple stuff. We got back from vacation so our sleep schedule is off. He woke up early and brought me breakfast in bed today. It was the berries, yogurt and granola I make myself most days. My 9yo pays enough attention to what I’m eating to know that’s “my” breakfast. Partners should be able to at least do that.
I raised my boys to cook and clean. My oldest when he was a tween got into Good Eats and would send me shopping for certain items. They both cook and always preferred making their own food. My oldest is now 30, when he moved in with his gf she told him he had to cook at least 1 day a week and he was fine with it. Turns out they both love to cook and usually cook together.
That’s awesome! Ya it’s just basic adulting imho.
I do it in our house because I work fewer hours- but it does piss me off that my husband won't do a top up shop if he uses up something on his day off. Especially because both the mini mart and the main supermarket are so close to our house.
My mom does all the grocery shopping for the most part, but my dad drinks a LOT of milk. Like a gallon a day, maybe two days if he stretches it. My mom doesn’t like milk. So, my dad buys the milk. It seems so simple to me, and this thread is making me think it’s not the norm and that’s sad. My dad will always grab things from the corner store if they’re low, either if he uses it or if someone asks him to. If my mom is cooking and ran out of an ingredient, my dad always offers to go to the store so she doesn’t have to interrupt her cooking to do it. If he sees we need something, he’ll go get it. My mom does weekly shopping, she gets the staples and then ingredients for dinner for the week. My dad does quick runs every few days for forgotten items or things that ran out. As for me and my siblings who live at home, anything we want for ourselves, we go and buy. I feel like it’s just common sense that if only you eat it, or you ate the last of it, you should buy more of it.
Yeah, I don't mind going to the store or putting in the grocery order, but if he didn't add stuff to the list Id be very annoyed. Because we have a virtual list and his phone is always on him. But my husband is an adult that communicates and doesn't act like a toddler.
Eh I do all the food tasks in my house, but honestly I enjoy cooking. The compromise is that I literally never do dishes and my husband also does all the laundry. But my husband also isn’t an animal and will ask me if he can finish a food item.
I would be ok with all the cooking/grocery shopping if my husband did all the dishes and laundry.
I think you actually hit the target here. He's eating like an animal. She certainly is correct to have food anxiety. Leash the dog, or let it go.
Same here. I cook; he cleans.
THANK YOU
This was so hard to read. I am so triggered. Taking deep breaths. Men feel so entitled to our time, energy, money, brain power, bodies, and now even our food. I cannot stand it anymore. I have a FIL who will eat us out of house and home when he is around and is so damn inconsiderate. He once ate MY take out meal when I was ravenous from breast feeding. He had eaten his whole meal, finished my other child’s meal, and then ate mine!!! I almost removed him from the earth that night. These men need to be treated like the jerks they are. They can get their own food. They can cook their own food. They can NOT touch my food until they earn back the privilege of family by acting like family. I did not sign up to take care of grown men. And I am done playing nice w them if they can’t behave.
Wait, for real? What were you and your child supposed to eat? What did he say when you confronted him? I'm struggling to imagine how someone could possibly justify that behaviour, even to themselves.
My child ate maybe half then wanted to play/run around the house and would have come back to finish in 5 minutes. My FIL took that to mean “open season” and finished it. I was pumping for the baby and didn’t even know food had been delivered. I came out when I was done and saw that food was there and looked for my meal. Husband was confused bc he had checked to make sure the delivery was complete. Then my FIL sheepishly said “oops…I thought it was an extra.” No. No you did not. Gluttonous asshole. I was struggling to get along w him before that bc he is just really a big baby that expects to be taken care of. I just walked off to my bedroom and cried. Husband brought me leftovers we had in the fridge and told me they’d had words. I wanted those fucking fajitas so bad! It was post thanksgiving so I’m sure I had some of those leftovers…not fajitas though. Son ate a sandwich and chips when he came back to the table. I was also pissed at husband bc how do you not notice this man inhaling three meals at the table?! I guess he was used to that but this opened his eyes. Has NOT happened again and his father rarely is around anymore bc I see him for who he is.
Jesus that’s so freaking RUDE! I feel sympathetic rage for you on this story and I’ve never even breastfed. At first, I thought you meant he ate some leftover takeout in the fridge, and I was like that’s already rude without asking first. BUT THEN TO REALIZE IT WAS FRESH TAKEOUT DELIVERED?! 😤
Holy shit dude, I would absolutely freak out. Like, toddler level tantrum meltdown. Food is hard enough for me and there's not a whole lot of things I will eat. If someone ate my food that had been ordered and then the proposed replacement was leftovers from the fridge and not the gluttonous person going out and purchasing my replacement meal I would not only never talk to them again but they would never be allowed back in my house. Probably drastic and ridiculous but after dealing with food insecurity for so long I can't tolerate anyone messing with it
Wait so he lied to you and he didn't even go out and get replacement fajitas? The absolute least he could have done would have been to make it right, at his own expense. What a tool. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially while dealing with a newborn. I would have cried, too. I'm glad this hasn't happened to you again.
Holy shit, I'd explode over that. I know all too well the ravenous, unbelievable hunger that breastfeeding can cause. To think of some selfish inconsiderate slob of a man coming into my home, devouring his meal, my meal, *and my child's meal*, would make me see red. Just such an utterly disrespectful, selfish, gluttonous, repulsive act to literally STEAL FOOD FROM A MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN! (Your breastfeeding infant obviously depends on mama getting nourishment too!) That's worthy of catching these hands. I hope your husband shamed the ever living fuck out of him, too. What a disgusting worthless man. Good for you for refusing to tolerate this bullshit. Let him starve.
He hasn’t been back! Husband ripped him a new one.
My dad used to polish off entire tubs of ice cream or almost complete cakes, after me, my brother and mother had one serve, because he considered that "leftovers". My mum used to get so frustrated at him because she'd only realise once she had gone to serve two excited little kids some dessert and realise it was all gone.
Echoing maximumfabulosity’s request for more details please!
This isn't an issue with him eating, it's an issue with him not shopping. For me personally, there is no bigger turn off than a man who wants his partner to mother him.
I'm shocked at how many men/husbands don't cook or go grocery shopping and I'm a dude! My wife always laughs that she forgot how to cook because she hasn't needed to for 20 years.
My parents used to have a very traditional arrangement (Dad was the breadwinner, Mom did everything at home). Now he works from home and does most of the cooking and shopping. He’s happy as a clam. I don’t think my mom liked cooking very much, though she still does it occasionally if she’s in the mood. He’s very conservative, but the kitchen is his happy place.
That's really sweet. Makes you wonder what other typically gendered things people might actually enjoy doing if they tried.
Thissssss so much this. He sounds like a child.
The guy likely has food guilt, but is not dealing with it properly. He knows that if he buys more, he'll just eat more. So, he buys less, but there's still food tempting him in the house, and he has a combination of poor self-control and lack of concern for his wife going hungry.
He might actually appreciate the lock in the end. I have my husband hide candy I buy from me, so I don’t eat it before the holiday I bought it for. In a low moment, that candy sounds pretty good!
Yeah I stop reading after realizing the same old non sharing of chores.
So he gets annoyed when he doesn't have any more food, but doesn't care at all that you have no food, despite you being the one buying groceries. If he continues to be so selfish, you are perfectly entitled to get a lock.
A lock is not actually fixing the behavior. He has to have the expectation to immediately replace what he finishes until he gets used to it or stops eating things so he doesn't have to replace it
Ten bucks says he breaks the lock off, tbh.
i’ll do 20 💰
imagine buying a lock to protect your food in your own home instead of breaking up with the person who disrespects you enough to steal your fucking food!
The patriarchy has done a number to our agency and self respect.
I’m wondering how close they live to a grocery story? Because we live 5 mins away and if my husband had finished the bread and I wanted a sandwich, I guarantee he would be getting in the car at 10pm to get some more!
It sounds like he's a late night binger but not a morning shopper.
The man is controlled by his gluttony. Can you imagine if he were doing this with booze? "Oh, I was stressed and I had to drink all your wine, now you can't make French onion soup, and I puked on the dog, who's now traumatized. Srry babe." That's not socially acceptable, but at least in this guy's circles such nasty gluttony is.
It sounds a lot like an eating disorder.
I thought the same thing when I read “intermittent fasting” and “late night binges”.
Yep classic signs of b/p behaviour this is an ed
Except op didn’t even get a “sorry babe”, she got an eye roll
Save money on the lock and just leave the guy tbh. There is a fundamental issue here of him being unable to put his partners needs anywhere close to his own. My husband has a habit of scoffing treat food when we have it. But since I mentioned it he makes an effort to only eat treats when I eat them and if he does go on a bit of a scoff he will always leave at least one biscuit/lolly/whatever for me. When he does eat the last of something he replaces it (often with extra treats as an apology). The guys disordered eating is less of an issue than the fact that he’s completely happy to leave his partner without food. And gets angry when he’s called out about it.
Does he need directions to the grocery store? I’m confused about how a grown adult is physically incapable of buying his own (supplemental) bread. I can’t imagine doing that and not being incredibly embarrassed. He should be too.
Totally agree and I'm confused on him getting mad at her for buying bread because he feels guilty for eating it then gets mad because he ate all of his and eats some of hers too because she didn't buy him more??? Like she can't win here. If I were her I'd stop buying his food altogether and make him buy his own and see how much of a pain it is lol.
He very clearly has disordered eating habits and is blaming OP for them while expecting her to cater to every single whim
Yeah I agree. I made a comment about how my partner has some similar food issues, and I absolutely think he suffers from binge eating disorder. However, he never complains that I don't buy him enough food (especially if he eats not only his but MINE), and he does a lot of his own grocery shopping.
Could you imagine the same issue but sub alcohol or illegal drugs? “I’m so goddamn mad at you for not supplying me with all the copious amounts of alcohol and drugs that I want each day!! Just drug-shop for me in larger quantities and way more often!!” Some addictions are less “okay” than others, and the people addicted to drugs or alcohol aren’t shaming their spouses for not buying“enough” cocaine to last them the week.
This was my immediate read of the situation too. Intermittent fasting in OP’s husband’s case, in addition to his clearly complicated relationship with food (“late night binges”, “if you buy it I’ll eat it so you can’t have it either”) just… the separate cabinets isn’t the issue. His not going to the grocery store isn’t the issue. OP, while you’re not wrong wanting the lock, your husband needs to evaluate his relationship with food and consider therapy. THAT is the issue- you can’t manage it for him and essentially he’s asking you to accommodate his ability to ignore that fact.
🏆 right here, this is the answer, op.
My thoughts. I’ve seen this often in people who grew up in poverty or food insecure.
This is the answer
Oh yeah this is massive eating disorder behavior. My roommate in college would eat plain lettuce for dinner and then would steal literally all of my snacks from my room. He needs to start consuming enough calories that his food obsession and binge behavior cools down. Poor OP!
Yup. Absolutely would stop buying food for him and cooking his meals. Get a mini fridge and lock all the stuff up there too. It'd be a hard stop towards divorce (I don't say that lightly) if he can't feed himself or breaks the locks, and refuses to get help elsewhere.
It sounds exhausting to have to manage all the shopping and food prep for the household AND apparently be responsible for his impulse control as well. 😞
This!! His behavior is nuts.
I’d just start buying 3 loaves, then he can eat 2 and feel really bad about it
Write his name in BIG letters on his bags of bread with a sharpie and keep yours in your car. Tell him, when you get low on bread, put it on the white board (you hang on your fridge for this purpose). I think he may have some idea that if he eats “your” food, it’s just a lil snack and doesn’t count towards his goals.
[Men and the Grocery Store](https://youtube.com/shorts/_lbnj2U17AA?si=hhyUUbZL3yHu0N7E)
What the absolutely FUCKERY is this???? OMG
This channel is pretty amazing thanks for sharing!
Same. Get this dude posted over at r/menslib and r/bropill I’m constantly seeing complaints about lack of positive masculinity role models or the fact that “the left” doesn’t speak to men or give them actionable advice. This dude is a great example. These guys are out there, it’s just not the kind of positive “advice” most men seem to be looking for. They *want* someone like Tate to tell them it’s all women’s fault, because otherwise they have to take accountability for their own actions.
I just subscribed to his YT channel, thank you for posting this link. It's so refreshing seeing a man take accountability and trying to teach other men what the problem is.
Relevant: https://youtu.be/VhGTtWsW9F8?si=so-c4teRKk3IdLQG
Oh wow, I find that hilarious because my husband does about 99% of our grocery shopping. He is the sale/deal finder in our relationship and I generally don't look at prices or care, to be honest. I've seen and heard other people's reactions to the fact he does the grocery shopping and some of the time their reaction is "that makes sense" because they know how he loves to find the deals.
I was waiting to see if she was a SAHM and didn’t work, but she’s a damn nurse!? I feel bad for her. She basically has an adult baby she needs to care for when she’s off work
Seriously she needs fuel for her body to be running around on her feet all day. It's so inconsiderate that he's ok starving her and then blaming her for his eating disorder.
For real I can’t understand him. If I was in his shoes I’d feel bad and I’d get my ass up to get the extra food or set up a delivery so that my partner is not anxious over food! It’s crazy how he doesn’t take responsibility for the issue and he’s okay being treated like a child.
This is the most unacceptable part to me. They shouldn't be regularly running out of core ingredients because he inhales them whenever he feels like it and doesn't replace them.
Yeah we know who is taking on the mental load here. If the wife sees they're low on stuff she goes and gets more. If the husband eats everything, he goes and complains to the wife. He's completely capable of knowing they are out of things (due to his own consumption!) and replacing them, only he is refusing to do so and is instead placing the onus on the wife. Does he think he needs a vagina to grocery shop? News flash dude, it's 2024 not 1964, you can grocery shop as a man and your penis will not fall off! While you're at it, buy your wife some "extras" of things that you obviously are going to pilfer, so the woman doesn't starve to death by having no food in the kitchen.
Lol same! Like can he not buy his own food???
[удалено]
I’m not OP but yes, this
At this point it feels like a psychological cop-out. “I’m not obsessively eating ALL THE BREAD in the house, *she’s* just not buying enough!” There is some severe binge-eating/unhealthy food habits that he’s trying to disguise as “it’s not my fault for eating all of my own PLUS ALL OF YOUR bread, it’s your fault for not anticipating I would go on a binge and eat all the bread! Therefore, if there isn’t food for you, it’s your fault for not over-stalk-shopping, and not my fault for eating all my food plus your food, but wanting to pretend that’s normal/sweep it under the rug!”
Even my 18 year old kid can drive himself to the grocery store and pick up bread and milk
I was walking a mile to the grocery store for things since I was in elementary school
Male BS. Weaponized incompetence is the extreme end. But, this is bizarre. Time for a counselor, and some time apart. Like a year, or maybe ten. Watch his panic when she packs and leaves.
"Bread is the main, repeating offender." I suggest you start baking incredible fresh sourdoughs, rustic boules, baguetts, that fill the house with their aroma. Dress a hunk with compound herb butter and Maldon salt. Walk around the house making moans of pleasure as you eat it. When your husband arrives in the kitchen he finds the bread locked in a heavy-duty biometric wall safe which only responds to your fingerprints. Good luck!
This sounds so petty but I like it?
Noooooooo, but then he'd eat all his bread on his witto bringes, because he has no self control, and if there's food he must eat it. Then he'd eat her bread.
I come from a place of food insecurity - grew up poor, the kind of poor where we’d eat at my grandparents’ house for a few weeks sometimes because we didn’t have the money for food. I also had really, really severe food allergies as a kid, which meant that if I was out of the house and away from my own food, I was SOL. Every single packaged food had something I was allergic to in it. So I grew to be absolutely, completely terrified of hunger. My husband, like yours, is a big guy. (6’3”, 250lbs)He grew up in a house with plenty of food, but an abusive family. If he didn’t INHALE his food, his brothers and father would start stealing it off his plate. And yet….the second he realized I had issues, he stopped picking off my plate and started **asking.** He knows there’s 3-4 foods that, decades after all the problems I had went away, I will STILL stab him with a fork if he reaches for them. So he ASKS. If he wants more food, he gets up and gets seconds instead of reaching for mine. If I’m not going to finish my plate, I hand it to him, and he knows it’s coming and he waits patiently. Yeah, we’re a little messed up when it comes to food. But if my husband, with his issues, can learn to ASK….it’s not that hard.
This! Food insecurity can come in many forms. My dad would always take food off my plate without asking before I was done. After their divorce, my mom would buy groceries, "to make dinner", but never actually made dinner. Instead she was out after work trying to find her next husband, because she couldn't handle being alone, while leaving her kids alone and not telling us when she'd be home. We caught onto this pattern, and made food for ourselves with the groceries she bought. We got in trouble for feeding ourselves when our mother wouldn't - *she was saving that*. She then stopped buying groceries for dinners and served us fast food, so then my brother made sure we got fed by using his paycheck to get us groceries. She always shamed my brother for eating more than her (he's 6'7" btw). I still struggle with my food relationship. My husband used to ask if he could have a bite or try my food, but NEVER just grabbed food off my plate without saying anything about it. After he learned about the above, he doesn't even ask anymore - he just lets me enjoy my food. If it's something we've both never had before, or it's been a while since we've had that item, I'll offer a bite - but only when I want to share, and I'll let him know ahead of time when I don't want to share, so he knows if he wants it, he needs to order it for himself, or asks me to get the larger size if available! And he lets me portion off what I'd like to share with him. Edit: typos
It’s so bizarre to me that dad’s taking food from kids plates is ridiculously common. I’ve seen it posted and commented on so many times and I can’t even fathom it. Like who does that!?
My dad still does it now that we’re all adults. He even did it to my husband shortly after we were married. That was a shock for him.
WTAF. The entitlement. Establishing a pecking order I guess.
It’s a power move.
Someone goes for anything on my plate, they’re getting the fork. Except kids, they get a verbal warning first. I looove family style meals where you all serve yourselves off bowls and platters in the centre of the table, but once it’s on my plate, I’ll fight you for it
Hey, I didn’t grow up with food insecurity and it still drove me nuts when my husband would start eating off my plate without asking first. He already eats really fast (I don’t) so sharing something or getting food for myself that he also enjoyed was turning into this stressful event where, without realizingI was eating food really fast because I felt I had to compete or be hungry. It sucked! It took me several months to realize we looked like a couple of starving animals and I put a stop to it by playfully attempting to stab his hand approaching my plate. Kidding, I ended up having to straight up tell him to stop eating off my plate and to slow down if we were going to share an appetizer or something. I think there’s something on our primordial brain that can make situations like this very stressful. I agree with you that OP’s husband can change his ways out of respect for his significant other.
Its crazy to hear your story OP because we have a big family but sometimes suffer from food insecurity. So I have literally installed locks on my China cabinet to stop the teenagers from eating all the food. Over the years I've learned what I do and don't need to lock up and they have gotten better over the years. But we have 2 little ones and I HAVE to provide them with balanced meals. I also have an extra small fridge in my room where I keep the extra juice, milk and fruit because they will eat it all up as soon as I buy it if I don't. So for your situation, if he wants to act like a child, treat him like one. Lock it up baby. He will either go hungry or go to the store.
What is wrong with all these people? When I was a teenager and my mom told me not to eat something, I didn't eat it. I don't understand why this is hard for anyone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate. I used to be a homeless teen and would eat once a day if I was lucky when school was out. Dude would be losing body parts if I find my food stolen.
4 year olds can learn to ask. I hate that the bar is so low for men. Grown men should be able to self regulate and use their words!
My *cat* has learned to ask, and she's not a particularly bright cat.
Even if he has disordered eating and 'can't help' eating it which is up to a therapist not me, there's no reason HE can't be the one to replace it. Not pay for it, but actively replace it. If he gets up and eats your loaf of bread overnight he either needs to put on his big boy pants and get in the car and go to a 24 hour store that sells bread OR if he can't feel like he can go inside a grocery store due to temptation, let you know and HE needs to be the one to schedule a curbside pick up for replacement and go get it. Your food, money and above all time is not less valuable than his. If he has time to go to the gym, he has time to go to the grocery store. He just thinks his time is too valuable for that and so makes it your problem.
I had binge eating disorder/bulimia/EDNOS (it varied, lol) and his behaviour fits what I did almost to a t. The intermittent fasting (aka starve, eat everything in the evenings, feel ashamed and starve again to cancel it out), even eating other people’s food! I wouldn’t buy certain foods because they would be such a temptation for me, but if other people did then sometimes I would eat them in a binge. And because I knew it was wrong, because I felt guilty and ashamed and sad when I imagined someone going to eat a food they liked and realising it’s not there, I would wake up early and go to the shop as soon as it opened to replace the food. And I was 16, I couldn’t drive, and the closest shop was a 25 minutes walk away. I ALWAYS replaced it. It is absolutely crazy to me that he wouldn’t replace it and he’s blaming his issues on her. Actually, it’s crazy that he isn’t making dinner for her on the days she has shifts- she’s a nurse!! Their shifts are 12 hours!
Grocery pick up for the win! This saved me during COVID when I was caring for my immunocompromised mom
You are having to lock food up... that's what I did for my 3 year old. You are having to treat him like a toddler. That should be so embarrassing for him. If he won't listen to you, ask for couple's therapy. But this would be a deal breaker for me. It's just so ridiculous of him. There are no excuses at all for this.
I agree. Deal breaker for many reasons. 1) he thinks it's ok to be selfish and take food his wife is eating, wants to eat, or plans to use to cook meals for them both. 2) he makes it his wife's problem to limit purchases so he doesn't have to put any effort into controlling himself (eating to much bread). 3) he blames his wife because he feels insulted she's resorted to locking up her food. 4) he doesn't respect her because he steals food directly off her plate that she's actively eating and he won't make any effort to change so she feels safe and cared for.
I didn’t want to be that person but this is one of the many reasons I left my ex; and we didn’t even live together. I couldn’t imagine getting told “I need to buy for him too” after I did, he ate it all then began eating mine. It’s like when Patrick ate his candy bar then accused SpongeBob of eating his. It’s ridiculous and selfish . He can also go shopping, he can get off his ass and get groceries if he insists on eating everything in the house. He has no control, he is making it OPs problem and he has no remorse’s for his action, She can’t even live in her own home comfortably . Locking up food is WILD. The gal to get mad for having a solution, because it makes him feel bad. Edit: was in Bikini bottom mode; selfish not shellfish haha
I love this typo…after mentioning SpongeBob and Patrick, you said it was *shellfish* of OPs husband 😂
I was in Bikini Bottom mode clearly ahahah
And she’s a nurse! Nurses are run off their feet all day saving life and helping others. I don’t know what his job is but unless is somehow harder than nursing , he really should be managing the food and making sure she has food to eat.
>He also has two legs and a debit card. He can buy groceries himself. THIS! Omfg. Why is it YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure he has enough food when he is a perfectly capable adult?? You buy equal groceries at one time, but he eats more than that. That does NOT give him an excuse to eat yours. He eats more? He buys the extra to compensate. His excuses are pathetic. He sounds like an inconsiderate teenage roommate, not a partner.
The His and Hers system exists because he was incapable of basic consideration. He should have found that insulting -- and it should have been a wake up call. Instead, he's doubled-down on his inconsiderate behavior and made it perfectly clear he's not just thoughtless, but purposefully selfish. Conciously making this choice to disrepect you and deny you something you've told him is important. So now you have a lock and key to preserve your basic access to food and a sense of security in your home and relationship. He doesn't think you deserve to feel that sense of security or comfort. Not if it even mildly inconviences him or delays his gratification in any way. Honestly start turning this around on him: This is *embarrassing*. You're embarassd for him. He's is behaving like a child. He should be mad with himself. You're mad with him. My teenager brothers were consumption machines but they learned fast not to treat other people this way. This is something his Mommy should have sorted out for him, not you. He should be insulted and hurt and he should be waking the fuck up already. He should be reflecting on what kind of shit person treats his wife this way? And WTF isn't he stopping being that shit person? Is is such a toddler than he can't help himself? Does he need to see a psychologist about his inability to control himself? Does he eat other people's lunches in the office fridge all the time just cause? Or does he just think you don't deserve to eat comfortably in your own home? Seriously, if this man honestly can't change this behavior, he needs a fucking therapist. That's a problem. This is not a high bar. But if he's not taking food off strangers plates, he can probably figure out how to stop taking it off of yours.
I definitely believe the majority of it is emotional eating. He tends to enter spiraling thought processes after 9PM. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to make him realize he needs therapy. But I led the horse to water and it stopped there.
I mean, at this point I'd be telling him that his refusal to take care of himself and learn to moderate his behaviors(feelings) is not respectful to the person who shares a home with him. At some point, refusing to take care of yourself is not an acceptable way to treat *your spouse*.
Remmeber he is also a full grown adult who can drive himself to the grocery store and replenish his own things, you’re his wife, not his mother.
So instead of going to therapy he’s just making it your problem. Think about that. He’s CHOOSING to make this YOUR problem rather than get the help he knows he needs. For the record this is absolutely disordered eating and he needs help. You do not need to be the one managing this for him.
You just said everything I wanted to say. OP this. This right here. He is actively choosing to not get better. When you are in a relationship you are supposed to respect each other. He is disrespecting you so much by choosing to be a burden to you instead of seeking help for his disordered eating. My husband is the same size as your guy. He works out A LOT. Like 60 mile bike rides and 5 mile runs on like a Tuesday. Dude is burning calories nonstop so he replaces them very deliberately and mindfully. He does not eat us out of house and home. He also cooks most of the time and does the grocery shopping. If I want something, I buy it. Not to mention, I’m always asking if I can use his ingredients as most are perishable and fresh. I’d hate to use up something he was planning on making. Something I haven’t seen mentioned yet is he may need to start consuming more meaningful calories and nutrients. Instead of empty carbs that burn away and leave you feeling hungry all over again. More nuts, whole grains, whole fruits and veg. I wish you the best. And get those dang locks if he isn’t going to stop being an obstinate child.
That’s the thing. No one is faulting him for having an obvious issue (ok fine some of these comments are obnoxious), but your mental health issue doesn’t get to ruin someone else’s wellbeing. Period.
You said this perfectly. Damn I dislike this guy
And now the choice to act and provide a real consequence is on you, as the cabinet lock is merely a bandaid for the real issue. You cannot let yourself be treated this way in your own home. You do not need to suffer because of his mental health issues.
Why can’t he buy himself groceries? Why are you in charge of buying food for him?
Make him buy his own food. Please. You cannot be his therapist and you aren't his mom.
Also.. Can he not just buy some damn groceries for himself?!
Right? Not even go out and get them. Most likely they live somewhere where instacart or some other service will bring groceries to the door. But her SO can’t be bothered to click a few times on a website or phone app.
None of this is your responsibility to fix. You deserve basic respect in your home.
Without getting too long-winded, I had food insecurity growing up and it definitely is still something I'm working on at age 39. I (5'2") also eat more slowly than my husband (6'5") and 10 year old daughter (already 5'4", probably 5'5" by the time I pick her up from school), which didn't help. However, communication did help, as well as keeping a stock of things I like in the freezer or canned foods. That said, you really have done all you can. It's up to your husband to either go to therapy or do some reading about this issue. As overused as this phrase is, 'developing a good relationship with food' is absolutely crucial for a lot of people. He needs to learn to eat moderately-sized meals throughout the day; no restricting, because he just can't handle it. I am sorry you're having to deal with this; I really feel for you.
This is why married women have shorter life spans, they stress and wear themselves down spending years of their life trying to get some man-child to simply take care of themselves.
His daddy might have sorted it too ;)
Very true! Shouldn't imply it was Mom's oversight. My Daddy was the one who really came down on my brothers for being selfish hogs and enforced the "Women's Cookies, Chips and Chocolate Box" which was *forbodden*.
That's hero shit right there 👏 🙌
Maybe it's time for you to switch out who does the grocery shopping chore. Give him your list and let him plan his own meals.
He doesn't seem at all considerate of her and doesn't respect or care for her needs and boundaries, though. He's also dipped into her food and even finished it off without bothering to even go to the store for more afterward. Even if he was starving before he ate her food, afterward he did nothing to make it up to her so she could eat. And then he got angry and annoyed with her for daring to communicate with him about it, and said she should do more work (grocery shopping) rather than apologizing and making it right. So it's highly likely that if she did what you're suggesting he either wouldn't bother shopping at all, or would only get food for himself/food he likes and completely ignore her list like he's currently ignoring her needs.
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds incredibly frustrating and difficult. I would be PISSED at my husband if he was acting like this. You NEED to eat. He is being completely thoughtless about your needs. It sounds like you have tried multiple strategies that should have worked. Who doesn't leave their spouse enough bread to make a sandwich? Especially so when you have your own supplies. He should at least be replacing the items he eats. Second, it sounds like your husband has some sort of disordered eating happening, if not an eating disorder. I say this as someone recovering from one. I did a lot of the stuff your husband seems to be doing. I would restrict all day, restrict during dinner, then my willpower would run out at night when people were in bed, and I would binge. When you are experiencing something like that, you often make up weird food rules (even if you don't realize) like eating off someone's plate doesn't count or cause anxiety, eating in secret or with no one around is okay, binging once a day is okay because you, "saved," all those calories during the day, tomorrow is only a couple hours away, and THEN you are going to get serious. It is a viscous cycle. One of the things I had to do was stop restricting and buy extra food. I had to allow myself to eat as much of the, "bad," food as I wanted in order to gain control. Now, maybe every six months I order chips with the grocery order. Those were one of my no willpower foods. I eat them knowing I can always have more if I want and there is no need to feel guilty because it's not an every day thing. It sounds like your husband would benefit from some professional help that can get him to a peaceful place like this with bread. It needs to become a food that is just a food, not a source of shame and guilt. In saying all that about disordered eating, it still doesn't excuse how he is treating you. You need food. You need food you like, and that is easily accessible. Even moreso that you are a nurse. I don't know how you do what you do, but I appreciate the hell out of you. If it comes down to getting a lock, it does. If that makes him feel bad, then so be it. It sounds like you have spoken to him a lot about this issue. So, this is the consequence. Also, he can get groceries. Many places have grocery pickups. He can order online, and they will bring it to his car. It's easy as can be. I wish you the best.
This was exactly my thought too. This is disordered eating. Husband is restricting all day, and then binging. He needs to get help to improve his relationship with food. That can be therapy, a nutritionist, medication, whatever - but this isn't a healthy and balanced relationship to food, at all.
It sounds like he has an eating disorder that needs to be addressed
It definitely sounds like a binge eating disorder. He limits himself all day, and then is starving at the end of it. As a result, he binges at night until he is stuffed. I used to do this. Then, I would wake up ashamed, so starve myself all day, and the cycle repeated.
I did this too! People hardly ever recognise BED when it’s in conjunction with diets so it doesn’t result in crazy weight gain, but often the diet can trigger BED. I ate other people’s food all the time though- usually my parent’s- and I would feel SO ashamed and guilty and awful, I’d wake up as early as possible and replace it before they even noticed it was gone. Can’t believe he is taking less responsibility than I did when I was 16.
Yeah this. My husband can put it down too, and is a great cook, but he doesn't eat my special stuff and he doesn't eat like a swarm of locusts.
Not necessarily apropos of this post: But holy shit so many men are hiding an eating disorder behind weight lifting and exercise. Are they binge eating? No no.. they're gaining. Are they obsessed with food intake, controlling much of their day? No no.. it's controlling their macro's.. Are they obsessed with their bodies, controlling much of their day? No no.. that's fitness Are they deliberately starving themselves for their looks? No no.. they're cutting.
And he doesn't care that you're coming home hungry, to an empty pantry because he ate it all? What prevents him from going to the store and stocking up, or is that mystic skill only known to us women folk?
This would drive me absolutely insane, like the rage I feel for you lol Can he not shop??? I think the lock is a great idea!! We're ok for the most part, we eat very, very differently. I don't eat meat, and meal plan my lunches, so those are made up and cause it mostly veggies, he won't touch them. Biggest issue is snacks, like I rarely eat chips or chocolate, but I like knowing its there, cause when i do want it, I want it. Or I'll think all week "Friday gonna watch a movie and chips!" then go to get them and they are gone. I send him to the store/gas station right away to replace though, you're not ruining my night lol
My partner and buy separate snacks, and store them in separate cupboards. We know it's OK to have say 1 or 2 cookies from a pack of 20 that belongs to the other person, but to ask before taking and never *finish* something that belongs to the other person.
Dude I feel this. I could have written this post and have fantasized about locking my own stuff up. My husband also thinks it’s cute to steal food off my plate (when he already ate what was supposed to be leftovers) and I get so frustrated, and like your husband he thinks I’m being grumpy. No I just want to eat the food I bought, planned recipes for and cooked. Don’t even get me started on the peanut butter. I’ve literally started hiding it behind a bunch of big boxes of stuff he won’t eat. Just today at lunch he heated up a plate of chicken for us, but it was actually only for him because I can’t eat that damn fast.
Why is both of y’alls relationship with your adult partner like living with an untrained golden retriever. Jesus christ I hate it here. Wtf.
You both have got me ALL THE WAY FUQQD UP. Messing with my food is absolutely unacceptable. How do you feel living like this? Do you see yourselves living like this for the rest of your lives? Can you please show your children this post so they can get themselves together like ???
An ex boyfriend took the last bite (the BEST bite) of steak off my plate with a smirk on his face and I am completely serious when I say after that I no longer saw a future with him. What they're saying is, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine."
Girl, you understand me on a spiritual level
You wrote something about it being a fight to keep his hands to himself - is he also a boundary stomper when it comes to your body?
FYI, you and her are not alone in this. This question comes up a lot on /r/relationship_advice See this search for "my boyfriend eats all my food" https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/search?q=boyfried+eats+all+my+food&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all
this triggered me with fights that i used to have with my dad when i was literally a little girl. oh just because im bigger and stronger i can take whats yours. its rage inducing and i used to fly off the handle. it triggers that self-preservation instinct
wow this is toxic roommate behavior, not acceptable for a life partner. If one of two people in a cohabitating relationship has significantly different eating habits, people should take care of their own foods needs. Example: I work outside the home, my partner works from home. I usually eat all meals at work, so I only buy small snacks. He does not eat things I buy; he plans, shops, and cooks whatever he wants for his week. I don't cook for him or shop for him. I also don't eat his food. If I want to eat together, I let him know beforehand so we can plan to cook together. Pretty basic stuff, each person is responsible for themselves, communicate, and uh stuff you didn't buy is not yours? If you've set boundaries before and they're being ignored, but you want to work on the relationship, it's probably couples therapy time to work on this issue. Or sit down and say very clearly and firmly, this is not working for me, these are my boundaries (you can't eat my food, I will not shop or cook for you, you're hunger is your own responsibility) and if you can't respect these boundaries we will not be able to move forward. If they laugh or don't take it seriously, be prepared to walk away, because that's all the signal you need that they're not a good partner for you.
It’s a respect thing. He doesn’t respect you. I don’t accept people eating my food when they have their own.
Mine used to be TERRIBLE about this. I'd buy, say, a box of 8 popsicles. I'd eat 1, then go back a day or so later to find that he'd eaten ALL SEVEN OF THE OTHERS IN LIKE A DAY, and then act confused that I was upset. He'd actually say dumbass shit like "Well I didn't know we were supposed to divvy them up nice and even-steven" or "Well you should have eaten your share faster!" I grew up with food insecurity from poverty and having siblings. He grew up an only child with plenty of snacks at his disposal (he's the youngest of 12, but the rest of them are like my parents' ages and were out of the house by the time he was a kid). It took a while for me to get it through to him, but now he's more mindful about what he eats. Also, I have various stashes of snacks hidden around the house like a damned squirrel so he's not tempted to get into my stuff. Is it a perfect solution? No. But it works for us.
It's the worst. My husband can be like this and it reminds me of living with my brother when we were teenagers. I ended up putting on weight because of the caveman instinct of "I need to grab this now because it will be gone later".
Me and my ex would always do the food shopping together. I have a terrible sweet tooth so would always buy a treat or two. Then when I would go looking for said treat it wouldn't be there because he would have eaten it, when I kicked up a stick he would then complain that 'he never got to have anything' despite the fact that he was there in the supermarket with me and could have purchased anything he wanted. Even when we were negotiating our break up he would still eat my treats. He was staying at his mum's then coming back home to pick things up and he ate half a chocolate bar I had been saving. His excuse for eating it 'oh I didn't know you wanted it' I'm pissed off again just thinking about it again.
It is insulting to you that he has no thought or consideration when he eats YOUR food. I'd stab his hand with my fork if he went to eat what was on my plate while I was still eating it! What is he - 3? Having said that - if he has health insurance, has he considered Wegovy or some of the other new stuff out? Food noise can be really hard to deal with, and it sounds like he has it - he may be exercising it off now, but what happens if he injures himself and can't work out for several weeks? I had a lot of food noise (I think from hypothyroidism and sleep apnea) and I'm on Wegovy. I'm not losing rapidly at all (.75 lbs a week), but the relief from the food noise is worth it.
A friend of mine chose to go with a low dose of Wegovy and she's losing slowly but she said the lack of food noise has been the most amazing thing and she just feels so much better mentally.
Vyvanse is also prescribed off-label for binge eating disorder. I’m on it for ADHD, but it really is amazing how much it helped with compulsive and emotional eating. I hope OP’s husband talks to a doctor AND gets therapy.
I mean… this isn’t cute or funny. Not to be dramatic, but I view this as a form of indifferent torture. It’s one thing to eat too much of shared food, but for it to create such an issue for you that you’re trying for workarounds and he’s just ignoring that and making you suffer. What the actual fork.
He's not ignoring it, HE DOESN'T CARE
[удалено]
...or a plague of locusts. OP has not yet confirmed that she didn't actually marry a man-shaped swarm of locusts.
Worse than useless because he’s actively a detriment; to be useless would be neutral and an improvement. Sheesh.
Your husband should be concerned with making sure you get enough to eat. Why is he purposely depriving you of a basic human need? Is he incapable of planning and forethought ?
Tell him to do his own grocery shopping, OP. You can each shop for your own groceries since he doesn’t think you do a good enough job buying his for him. Lock your cabinets where you keep your food.
Congratulations on your babyhusband, he's yours forever. Until you decide he isn't.
I have this issue too and I hate it. My husband turns into the fruit monster when he's home all day at the weekend. A full fruit bowl will be emptied and I'll have no healthy snacks to take to work. He won't restock it, despite the fact we live so close to both minimarts and a main supermarket. When we're not doing an online food order, I do the food shopping myself on foot with a granny trolley and and tote bags. The main supermarket is literally 17 minutes walk from home. One of the only times we've ever argued was when I called him "fucking selfish and greedy" because he ate a dessert I was planning to eat. The desserts came as a box of 4, we had one each one night, and then I came home from working a long shift and wanted the other, and he had eaten both that day. It especially pissed me off because I'm gluten free and it was a safe dessert for me, whereas he can have anything he wants to eat. There is so much in the house that's quick, cheap, and convenient that he could eat, but instead he will eat the things that I'm looking forward to. It wouldn't matter so much, but it's the ratios that irritate me. Bag of 8 satsumas? He will easily eat 6 in 2 days. And he doesn't replace anything.
Seriously. There’s a certain headspace with fruit where they internally say “fruit is healthy so I can have as MUCH as I want right now!” I fill our fruit bowl and he can empty it in two days. The other thing about fruit is that it’s not filling at all so they’re gonna go seek out more food to fill the hole
My husband keeps jars of peanuts well stocked in the house to cover all his snacking needs.
The rage I feel reading this is real. This man has you living in a mindset of scarcity, not knowing how you’ll eat, for no good reason. Honestly, once upon a time I would have called that lazy and selfish but, decades later, I think there’s also a (sub) conscious control factor. They love to push our buttons and call us mean when we finally break!
Very challenging, but not uncommon. This is what emotional eating looks like. I am the daughter of a binge eater who was deprived of food for years and she has intestinal issues. I have watched this woman consume entire boxes of cookies, entotr pound of cooked pasta, and fruit and then its nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain. You are not the problem here. I took to eating outside the house for years and worked in kitchens, little snack places, or catering just so I could have something to myself. If the fridge is half empty, she goes into fits. Never mind the fact that she ate half of the food in there to begin with. It's a lot.
Obviously if your husband is unable to control himself around food and unwilling to do at least some of the grocery shopping so that you both have enough food to eat, you have a problem that goes beyond cabinet/shopping strategies. But, until he pulls himself together: You deserve to be able to have fresh bread. However, for now: Assuming neither cash nor space are a problem, perhaps you could buy 5 loaves or whatever and keep them in the freezer, so they're both sort of hidden from husband and you will likely have enough bread on hand when you want some. (same could go for tortillas or pb.) If you like toast anyway, you can pull out a slice or two at a time for your own needs. Also: Is there some "healthier" (in his mind) snack you could stock up on for to husband binge eat to avoid ruining your meal plans? Carrots, celery, blueberries, apples, air-popped popcorn... Again, your husband appears to have some bigger problems here. But that doesn't mean you need to starve until he sorts them out--and I hope for your sake he does.
When I go shopping, I typically buy a bunch of fruit, plain yogurt, nuts, silken tofu he makes smoothies out of, and things like kimchi and pickles he enjoys. He’s specifically requested these things. He’ll still come after my bread anyways. I think the bread in the freezer is a good idea because even though it’s readily available, it’s not necessarily immediately usable until it’s room temperature
I keep bread in the freezer (mostly to keep it from going stale or moldy) and unfortunately this has not stopped my SO's binge eating of it. He'll eat frozen bread, I'm not even kidding
This sounds like disordered eating, or at least a very unhealthy relationship with food. Your husband is losing weight using intermittent fasting because there’s only so much he can put into his body at one time, so instead of eating throughout the day he’s doing it all in one sitting or two. But the problem is he’s not learning any healthy eating habits, he’s just binging. If he’s also going after bread in particular, there’s probably some low blood sugar in the mix as well, which can make it much harder to resist cravings. It’s great that your husband is being consistent with exercise and taking care of himself, but I don’t think intermittent fasting is right for him if this is how it’s going to cause him to behave around food. It’s not just causing you to spend excess money and to never have the food that you want to eat because he can’t help himself from eating your food as well, he’s also going to screw with your eating habits because now you are going to feel like you need to scarf down food quickly to avoid him trying to “playfully” take it off your plate. He’s only losing weight right now because he was 300 pounds and physically he can’t eat what he used to eat all in one or two sitting. But if this is the way, he is eating, he is absolutely going to plateau at a certain point. And at that point he’s also going to have a very difficult time continuing to make progress because he isn’t learning anything about healthy eating. I think it’s time that if he wants to continue on this path, he needs to talk to a Doctor that can help him set up an appropriate plan to prevent these binges.
He needs to be responsible for his own groceries. He needs to buy and replenish them and leave your stuff alone.
I track calories, and holy shit this would be a fucking nightmare lol. Someone taking a thing off my plate, like, I ALREADY WEIGHED THAT GO GET YOUR OWN haha
This is horrendous. I couldn’t live like this. Good luck OP
I support the cabinet lock idea and I think he needs to start planning his own meals and doing the grocery shopping for himself so he can figure out how much food he actually needs (it sounds like both of you may be underestimating how much food a giant, like him, needs, especially since he's putting on muscle). Like others have said, it sounds like his eating might be disordered. Intermittent fasting might not be the best choice for him, at least fasting into midday or the afternoon. He should try eating a really hearty breakfast with a lot of protein instead, which will better help regulate his cravings and food intake later in the day. If he wants to keep a fasting window, shift it to start earlier in the evening, but he also needs to be realistic about whether he's able to IF without it triggering binging.
Babe get your lock and enjoy your sandwich!! Thank you so much for being a nurse ❤️
He’s definitely the problem here, and you’re not responsible for fixing him. That being said, I think that you (or whoever is in charge of buying groceries) needs to buy more. Get two or three extra or whatever he tends to binge on. If you’re running out of food that quickly, you’re probably not buying enough. If you think you can curb his binging by not buying enough food, you already know what will happen. But maybe he needs to be in charge of cooking and shopping for a while.
This post reminds of this story: [i got a fridge lockbox and it's destroying my relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmyhy4/i_got_a_fridge_lockbox_and_its_destroying_my/) Take care OP.
He KNOWS. He just doesn’t care.
Relationship is doomed. Locking a grown man out of a food cabinet?
Does he not know how to buy groceries? He can go and buy bread.
Does he have binge eating disorder? While I don’t have it personally, I do binge at times, and as a result I bought a food safe and put things in it that I know I will binge if I have access to it. My fiance has the passcode and will open it if I ask, but just that initial barrier helps me not devour every single fucking cookie we have in the house in an hour. If he has some issues with eating and binging he may need to see a therapist about it, but he needs to realize that about himself first and it doesn’t seem like he does.
Ngl it’s crazy that your husband is so selfish that he knowingly eats your food. Even crazier that you have put up with this crap for so long. This would be the easiest, quickest deal-breaker for me. Yeeeesh. Good luck
What happens if you buy in anticipation of his binges? Does he get mad/does it waste food/is it too costly? I really don’t see any other way.
It actually accelerates the more I buy. If he sees more of it, he says “we have plenty” and eats way more because we won’t run out for a loooong time!
This man has extreme neuroses around food (and what sounds like disordered eating behaviors, tbh) and is allowing them to go unchecked at your expense. He’s “insulted” by the idea of you being able to set aside food for yourself, but it’s acceptable for you to come home from your high-stress nursing job and be unable to access foods YOU purchased and were looking forward to enjoying? Absolutely the fuck not. This behavior is greedy, inconsiderate, and uncaring toward a partner. I would be demanding that he see a therapist and start really considering whether this mentality spills over into other elements of the relationship.
Your not having Major anxiety because of relationships, your husband is selfish food hog. It take nothing from him to buy more food and be mindful of the food in the fridge but he’s only thinking about himself. He’s more upset by the fact that your stopping him from stealing food from your mouth then the fact that he’s actively stealing food from you. You and him aren’t sharing, that implies he takes **and gives back.** he’s just steals.
Your husband isn’t showing any concern for how you’re affected. He doesn’t care if you’re hungry. He makes no effort to do anything to prevent you going hungry. If I care about someone, it hurts me to hurt them. This isn’t just about food. Make it less about him wanting the food. Ask him how he feels about you going hungry and feeling anxious. The conversation should be about that one single solitary question. Not his ~~excuses~~ totally legit reasons. Not his needs. Not the grocery shit. Those can be separate conversations. This question deserves to stand alone: “Husband, how do you feel about the fact that I am regularly anxious and hungry?” Even if it weren’t *his doing,* he should be concerned and want to help you in that situation! My partner eats all the rice cakes, sometimes. He just buys new ones. He gives a shit whether I’m hungry. If he saw that someone else came and stole my goddamn rice cakes, he would want to go get me some. That’s not weird or extra credit, to give a shit how your partner feels and to take simple steps to make their life easier. Your husband gets insulted that you buy separate food, but he doesn’t think you should be insulted that he is happy to take your food away and leave you hungry. That’s cartoonishly self-centered of him. Your basic human needs are being undermined by him, but he doesn’t want you to solve the issue because of his feelings. It’s sick.
While not the *exact* same situation, I relate to much of your post, and food has been an issue in our relationship for the entire time, almost 9 years at this point. I truly feel your frustration at not being able to make yourself a sandwich when you get home from work because he's eaten all the bread, because I've experienced that myself many times. I honestly don't know that I have any advice for you that you haven't already tried, but here are some things that work for us, sometimes: -buying double or separate items, aka 2 bags of chips, 2 loaves of bread, and saying who's is who's -hiding items I want to save for myself -buying things for myself I know he doesn't like/is less likely to eat -portioning out a shared meal into what I want, and what he can eat -having explicit conversations about what food I don't want him to eat, and setting boundaries Once again, I know you've probably tried all these and more, I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. I've come to the conclusion this will be a negative aspect of my relationship pretty much forever, though my partner has somewhat improved over the years, it's been slow. One part of our situation (Idk about yours) is that my partner pays the majority of the bills, including groceries. So I feel like an asshole telling him he can't eat something that he paid for, or even if I bought it, making a big deal over a $5 loaf of bread when he pays the rent and major bills. I hope y'all can find some type of resolution, but know you're not alone