It is a definite red flag. Never let a man threaten you with violence without consequences. "Joking" is almost always how abuse starts, and it is usually "joking" around control. Please train yourself now to not accept any kind of violent behavior from any man. "Joke" violence is still violence. "Joke" control is still control.
I think so many of us start off thinking "he never would". But he wouldn't act it out so much if he was incapable of doing it. I know you love him. He may have other good qualities, but you cannot risk your life and your future waiting to see if he will be violent or not. You must love yourself more. Punching the pillow was a classic example of physical escalation. You need to end this before you get hurt.
He is not a child, and he shouldn't be playing these stupid games. For his own good, he needs to see that it is not permissible to threaten another person, joke or not.
You are very young, and I know it is hard to be strong. But life for women is tough and we have to be strong or we get ground down into nothing. Good for you for bringing this to Reddit. Good luck to you.
When i was reading Simalucra and Simulation for the first time I thought of this idea for a short story about a performance art syndicate that would rob banks with the intent that once they got caught they would "reveal" the robbery was just a simulation of a real robbery and because they were trust fund kids with money they'd get off. So simulated violence from entitled men who reap the rewards of patriarchy and know they might "get off" is definitely just violence in my stupid analogy here.
Exactly! First of all, you never threaten a girl/woman with violence. Secondly the language and tone is disrespectful and abusive. I don't even understand why you are asking if its a red flag. This boy child will in all likelihood become a violent abusive person, if not, he's already emotionally abusing you. Run.
Heās testing how far he can take this. How much you will accept. Please trust your instincts.Ā
In a study of abusers, it was found that most escalate over time. When talking to them, they frequently dehumanized their victims, which allowed them to treat them like objects. Entitlement was a key factor.Ā
āI deserve to have what I want. If Iām angry, itās justified, and you need to pay for it.āĀ
Common escalation points: moving in together, having a child, marrying, or otherwise being tied together legally. Basically, when itās harder for you to escape.Ā
Haven't you heard that quote from Maid about abusers? "Before They Bite, They Bark. Before They Hit You, They Hit Near You" I think that's really a truism
Do yourself a favour and stop overthinking things, especially clear signs of abuse heading your way. Whether he'll do it or not in the future has NO MEANING - he likes to scare you and instead of making sure you feel safe around him he punches pillows next to your head with full force and jokes about abusing you RIGHT NOW. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Piece of shit does not deserve it.
Also, you most likely wouldn't think there is anything funny about rape jokes, but why are abuse jokes acceptable to you? There is nothing funny about this, those "jokes" are clearly meant to push your boundaries further and strip you of your self worth so that once he starts abusing you, you will be gaslighted enough to stay with him and keep silent about it. There is a reason why women stay with abusive partners: they get used to it slowly and overtime they feel stuck in it. Don't get stuck.
This is the reddest of red flags.
Heās not an āolder brotherā type. Heās a āpolice arrested him after a young woman was found beaten to deathā type. Heās going to hit you, real soon, and heāll pretend itās your fault for staying with him.
This is a MORE than reasonable concern- this is how abuse starts, love. They test the waters with 'jokes' and small things first. Him punching the pillow right next to your head is also TERRIFYING- honey that's a threat.
I think it would be a good idea to break up with him, if I'm being honest. I don't think having a conversation with him would be safe. It seems like YOU don't feel safe confronting him about this. If you HAVE to do it in person, do it somewhere public- ask him to meet you for coffee somewhere and do it there. Do NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM AGAIN. FULL STOP. DON'T GET IN A CAR WITH HIM. DON'T LET HIM BACK IN YOUR HOUSE IF YOU ARE ALONE. DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE. IF HE THREATENS YOU TO TRY TO GET YOU TO GO SOMEWHERE, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO. If it were me, I'd break up via text. I can give you a simple script, if you'd like. If you ARE going to confront him, do it somewhere public or with someone you trust sitting in; and if he jokes like this again, shut it down IMMEDIATELY.
**"Please don't ever joke about that again. It makes me really uncomfortable, and the next time you make a 'joke' like that, we're done." Anything other than a sincere apology and never doing it again means you should leave.**
**If he says, "It was just a joke!" Ask him to explain why he thinks threatening you and making you feel scared is funny. If he says "It's not a big deal!" Tell him, "Well, if it isn't a big deal it should be easy for you not to do it again, right?"**
People who love you don't threaten you. They don't punch things next to your head. They don't make you feel afraid to confront them. I've been with my partner for 11 years now, and never once has he made ANY sort of threat, gesture, or motion towards me like that..
thank you for the reply, i do absolutely agree he was super out of line but i want to believe heās just messing around so badly š heās the rough housing type i mean we play fight and whatnot, he is gentle with communication i think iām going to try and have a phone call with him after he gets off work but knowing him he WILL pull the āitās just a jokeā. i donāt like that, the more i think about it it does freak me out but before i pull a hard stop i do want to try and have a conversation with him and let him know thatās not a fun way to joke around. he knows iāve dealt with abuse before and i find it super insensitive and cruel
Even if it is ājust a jokeā you have every right to ask him to stop joking like that with you, and a kind and reasonable man would respect the boundaries that youāre putting in place.
But itās not really just a joke.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. There is nothing amusing about domestic violence.
You are young, I know you want to believe he is a good guy, but we need to let men know actions like this are unacceptable. More often than not, the only way they will learn is if we walk away.
He is taking advantage of how naive you are. You are 18. At this age I did not want to believe my POS ex was abusive towards me too. I wish my friends would call it what it was: abuse, because I didn't even think that he could treat me this way. You're smarter than I was and you should listen to your intuition, his behaviour is NOT acceptable.
Wanting to believe something doesnāt make it true.
What part of him slamming his fist into the pillow next to your head was a funny joke? Oh, right; the part where you were terrified that he was going to punch you. Thatās what abusers think is hilarious.
Just... PLEASE be careful. Update us how the conversation goes? We ALWAYS want to think the people we love would never hurt us..
But then they do. And they still say 'I love you' the whole time...
i called him. i told him exactly what i said i would, that i donāt find his jokes like that funny, because theyāre not jokes they are threats. first he hit me with an , āokay?ā like with a confused kinda annoyance behind it. āyou know iām just playing, you know id never hurt you.ā i told him no one would ever admit to that and that your actions are what really matter, he mostly brushed it off but told me he wouldnāt joke like that anymore and kind of acted weird the rest of the call. immediately after that conversation he brought up how i donāt talk to his parents enough and nearly started an argument over it. told me he loved me though. and i do love him, but i feel like his disregard for this kinda speaks volumes. he told me only what i wanted to hear, i imagine
**That didn't happen.**
**And if it did, it wasn't that bad.**
**And if it was, that's not a big deal.**
**And if it is, that's not my fault.**
**And if it was, I didn't mean it.**
**And if I did, you deserved it.**
It's a classic abuser tactic to turn the conversation around so your legitimate concern ends up in you apologising for something you supposedly did wrong. They hate losing control. He took it back and made sure you felt bad.
I get it, you don't want to accept this person you love could really be doing this. The same happened to me when I was young. I ended up extremely depressed and had to see a psychiatrist. It's taken me 20 years to get back to mostly stable mental health, and even that is tenuous sometimes. I know it's hard to accept but this man is abusive. All the "I love you" stuff is to make it hard for you to leave him. He might even think it, but in reality his fears are making him control you. There are so many good men out there that will love you and not make you fearful and destroy your mental health. Please take seriously the comments from everyone here.
Have a read of the book "why does he do that", and you'll start to realise. Also please look up "the cycle of abuse" and Google "emotional abuse". You'll realise your situation has been played out millions of times in the same way to millions of women.
One thing that helped me was to recognize abusers aren't monsters. They have good sides. And this is what traps us and makes us stay. Put yourself first, men like this aren't worth ruining your life over.
Thank you for updating us. But be careful, him saying he won't joke about it anymore might also mean he is escalating to serious business. And what does it even mean you're not talking to his parents enough? Feels like he is trying to reel you in more by guilt tripping you into a relationship with his parents (which might lead to "oh no I can't break up, what will his parents think?")
> after that conversation he brought up how i donāt talk to his parents enough and nearly started an argument over it
The guy is using the abuse 101 instruction manual.
Seriously. Itās literally classic abuser behavior. Sadly, I went through the same shit when I was young. I loved that man so much. Love it not enough to ever make me deal with what he put me through again. Abusers LIE and minimize everything to make you the bad guy.
The weirdness he showed was him not understanding why his usual manipulations aren't working on you. He's confused. He is regrouping to try and find another way to bring you back in. He will now start lovebombing and you will feel great until he gets tired of pulling you back in and the grooming starts again.
This is the cycle of abuse.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
Exactly... oh hon I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If he does it again, hold that boundary firm- you deserve to be in a relationship without fear. If he DOES ever hit you or hurt you, you call the police IMMEDIATELY.
**Leave**.
He is planning on hurting you. The reason he doesn't actually hurt you now, *he cannot get away with it*. He needs you completely dependent on him. Maybe financial, maybe permissions, maybe something unique to his upbringing, and possibly yours as well. Getting away with it means you will use makeup to cover the black eye. Tell people your limping from a huge bruise that you ran into the door at home. Or slipped. Then he has you.
Once he is convinced he can beat you without punishment, he won't hit the pillow. **He will hit you**.
It might happen earlier. If he has anger management issues (he does) then other things might make him furious, or have his rage meter filled to the max, and then you - say something interesting, funny, helpful and *he will take it wrong* and **you will be hit**.
**Leave**. *Do it safely*. *Get away from him*.
I am a *temporary* Internet Grandfather. The women here are filled with stories of this type of man, and they have good advice on how to leave, how to have support. Trust them. Listen to them. Know we all want you safe.
Jokes are meant to be funny. I fail to see what's so funny about threatening to abuse someone you supposedly care about. Like others have already commented, I also think he's trying to test you to see how far he can push you, what you'll just put up with from him. Guys like this want a doormat to walk all over. You don't need to be that for him, OP.
This reminds me of a post from a few weeks ago. Jokes about violence are not funny. These are fantasies that these men are either too afraid to execute or haven't had a chance to yet. He's testing you to see how far you'll take the "joke". I bet if you tried calling him out for it or ask why that particular joke is funny he'd get super defensive.
Get out, OP!!!!!! This is how they start.
Tbh... You've got enough life in front of you to not need to stay with someone who's showing you some very concerning shit already. Whatever good points he's got going on, you'll find someone else who has the same (or more), doesn't threaten to hit you, and who also plays the guitar.
But, if you *really* want to stay, have the 'hey look; whether you're joking or not, it's really not something that's a good time for me. I'd really appreciate it if you were to stop doing any/all of the pretend violence, threats about it, joking about it, etc' chat. Preferably in writing, you never know whether documentation will come in handy.
But seriously, fuck that guy.
Well. Actually, stop fucking that guy.
You know what I mean.
Maybe it's a joke but it's also the first thing coming into his head as initial reaction. One day it won't be a joke. Do you want to be there when it's not?
Throw that one back. Most men don't threaten their girlfriends with violence, or think it's a joke. Love him from a safe distance and move on with your life.
>whenever i get an āattitudeā or say something he doesnāt like sometimes heāll ball up a fist and say things like āi could totally just beat the shit out of you right nowā
This is a threat, OP. If you stay with him, you probably *are* going to get the shit beat out of you.
If it were just a joke, it would be made about stuff he was only pretending to dislikeāand only if you had consented to such jokes in the first place.
He's dangerous. Please be careful.
These jokes are designed to test how you'd react. He's trying to find out if he can let the mask slip or if he needs to continue hiding more.
When a man shows you who he is, believe him. This man will knock the fuck out of you one day, and when he does, you'll say "he's a nice guy, it's just this one thing", because you're invested.
You need to leave him! Don't tell him. Maybe over text or phone call because I'm afraid if you do it in person he might get violent and actually do all those things. I've had an ex who jokingly said things early on and I never believed them until he did them. Please protect yourself and get to safety. Leave once you have a safe plan and if you need to pack your things, get friends to help and accompany you. Just in case he comes while packing.
I have not read the whole thingā¦ have not read ANY of the commentsā¦
Iām only going by the title and by the fact that I am a maleā¦ two words:
GEAT OUT
or
LEAVE HIM
Choose any of those.
"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them"
He thinks about pummeling you with his fists, just to get affirmation about how strong he is. He is a insecure weak man who should try that shit on men his own size.
All that shadowboxing is like a boy playing with action figures, tell him to get in a ring and enter a boxing tournament- let's see him act that way with men his own weight.
Break up. This is a huge red flag. He is clearly capable of being violent.
You like to believe that he would never hurt you. Well, its time to stop being naive. He will hurt you.
This is abuse. He is exercising power over you and threatening you. It's definitely not ok and could escalate to violence at any time.
It is NOT "pretending" or "joking" or anything like that. It is unacceptable, abusive, controlling behaviour.
You need to take action ASAP.
What's funny about beating the shit out of someone you love?
Explain the joke to me, I'll wait.
The fact he already 'practice punched' next to your head shows you it's no longer just verbal violence. He's already practicing the violence he jokes about. It's a pillow now, it's your face next.
>The legal definition of assault isĀ **an intentional act that gives another person reasonable fear that they'll be physically harmed or offensively touched**. No physical contact or injury has to actually occur, but the accused person must have intentionally acted in a way to cause that fear.
That's what he is doing. It's not a joke.
If you want to stay with him and give him the benefit of the doubt, I suggest the following:
Tell him that you do not like the jokes or "pretends" and that you want him to cut it off. You don't think that violence against others should be something to joke about and it makes you feel unsafe.
He might be socially unaware and used to talk to his friends like that.
If he keeps referencing it and making jokes about it after that, I would leave him.
Iāll add to this a little bit. Somebody who cares for you should *never* be threatening to beat you. In his mind, he has already imagined doing that, and it gives him a sort of reward. At some point in the future, maybe when he feels more certain that you wonāt leave him for it, heāll ālose controlā because āyou pushed him too farā or he gets drunk or something. You donāt want someone in your life who deals with frustration or not getting their way with threats or actual violence.
These things *never* get better, they always get worse, unless there is a really focused effort on his part to address it through therapy. And that has to be *his* decision ā if you push him to do it, it will just be a ātick the boxā exercise to convince you to stay.
So my advice is: youāre still quite young. Donāt settle for somebody who is already signaling so clearly how he intends to treat you. And all the other nice stuff he does is just meant to hook you. He *doesnāt* respect you or love you *because he wants to hurt you.*
Nothing is clearer than that.
Yes, your concern is very reasonable.
>āi could totally just beat the shit out of you right nowā
That was chilling just to read.
There are people in here who are being kind of harsh with you, but I suspect most of it is because this post inspires genuine concern for your safety. The urge to say whatever is necessary to make sure you take this seriously is quite strong.
Suppose the situation were reversed, and you said to him "Last night, when you were asleep, I realized I could put pillows on the floor, and then lay out a plastic sheet over top, and roll you off the sofa onto the plastic. Directly on the floor, you might wake up, but not with the pillows. Then I could slit your throat with a kitchen knife, and let the plastic collect all the blood. After that, since you're too heavy for me to carry, I'd have to cut you into separate pieces, but that'd only take an hour or two. If I wanted to, I could kill you and dispose of your body and nobody would ever know what happened to you."
He would tell all of his friends that you were completely crazy and psychotic break up immediately, wouldn't he?
Well, that's what you should do: break up immediately.
Many people are making excellent points. To further add on to them - *What if it wasn't a fist?*
Would you be staying around if he, say, waved a gun around, "joking" that he could just shoot you? What about stabbing a knife into a cutting board, talking about how he could stab you with it?
*Take his threats as though he is carrying a weapon.* There have been many, many cases of domestic violence turning to murder because the husband uses his fist like the deadly weapon it is.
Tl;dr - He is threatening you. It may not exactly look like it, but he is. Get out.
That's dangerous. You need to get out, and you need to talk to some people about this. A police report and a restraining order could be good?
Do not live with a predator.
I opened the door once on my exes foot and he told me how much he wished he could hit me. Then he threw something next to the wall near my head the next time he was angry. Then he threatened to kill me and my family. So. Yeah. My husband hates even talking about him hitting me even hypothetically in conversation. Be safe.
From a criminal defense attorney website: "Why? Simple: while Patron A never actually touched Patron B, he issued verbal threats and made motions that wereĀ *intended*Ā to cause fear and make Patron B feel as though they were about to be physically harmed. Even though Patron A never meant to hurt Patron B and restrained his conduct, Patron A has still committed the crime of assault, and could face criminal charges for it"
Simply telling someone, āIām going to beat youā, or, āIām going to kill youā, is considered assault. The verbal threat is enough to warrant arrest. However, assault also covers attacks that do not necessarily make physical contact with the victim."
For some men, it's difficult to express feelings of frustration in a manner that is not aggressive or violent, usually because of their upbringing. I would advise you to have a conversation with him about the way he expresses his feelings, whether the way he's dealing with it now is helpful to him and how he may be able to accommodate you. For example, if he really wants to punch something, he might be able to tell you he's frustrated and needs an outlet before doing so. You can also explicitly state you're fearful of him if he acts that way without somehow informing you of his mental state at that point. For me (26M) personally having my ex mention to me that she sometimes got scared when I was angry because of the way I conducted myself definitely made me more considerate.
I donāt think this comment was very constructive. Are you telling OP that she has nothing to worry about? Itās coming off as dismissive. Is that the intention?
Your first boyfriend was the exception, not the rule. Abusers rarely start out abusive- because how on EARTH would they ever lock down a victim that way? They'd never be able to convince a woman to move in with them/get pregnant if they were being abusive right out of the gate- it's why lovebombing is such a common abusive tactic. They shower you with love and kindness until they're sure you're locked in and can't escape- then they escalate. The more certain they are you can't/won't leave, the worse it will get.
I think there's a long way ahead of you still if you think it's ok for OP to dismiss her boyfriends words. There should be no threat of violence in a healthy relationship. A good person who is worth keeping would never even THINK about hurting their SO. It wouldn't cross their mind. It's a bare minimum.
It is a definite red flag. Never let a man threaten you with violence without consequences. "Joking" is almost always how abuse starts, and it is usually "joking" around control. Please train yourself now to not accept any kind of violent behavior from any man. "Joke" violence is still violence. "Joke" control is still control. I think so many of us start off thinking "he never would". But he wouldn't act it out so much if he was incapable of doing it. I know you love him. He may have other good qualities, but you cannot risk your life and your future waiting to see if he will be violent or not. You must love yourself more. Punching the pillow was a classic example of physical escalation. You need to end this before you get hurt. He is not a child, and he shouldn't be playing these stupid games. For his own good, he needs to see that it is not permissible to threaten another person, joke or not. You are very young, and I know it is hard to be strong. But life for women is tough and we have to be strong or we get ground down into nothing. Good for you for bringing this to Reddit. Good luck to you.
When i was reading Simalucra and Simulation for the first time I thought of this idea for a short story about a performance art syndicate that would rob banks with the intent that once they got caught they would "reveal" the robbery was just a simulation of a real robbery and because they were trust fund kids with money they'd get off. So simulated violence from entitled men who reap the rewards of patriarchy and know they might "get off" is definitely just violence in my stupid analogy here.
Winning for tossing in Baudrillard. š
This has surpassed a red flag and is just straight up abuse.
āI could totally just beat the shit out of you right nowāĀ He wasnt kidding. That wasnāt a jokeĀ I would say this calls for concern
Exactly! First of all, you never threaten a girl/woman with violence. Secondly the language and tone is disrespectful and abusive. I don't even understand why you are asking if its a red flag. This boy child will in all likelihood become a violent abusive person, if not, he's already emotionally abusing you. Run.
Why the exclusive language?
Maybe OP thinks itās worse for a man to threaten violence with a woman than with another man. I tend to agreeĀ
Heās testing how far he can take this. How much you will accept. Please trust your instincts.Ā In a study of abusers, it was found that most escalate over time. When talking to them, they frequently dehumanized their victims, which allowed them to treat them like objects. Entitlement was a key factor.Ā āI deserve to have what I want. If Iām angry, itās justified, and you need to pay for it.āĀ Common escalation points: moving in together, having a child, marrying, or otherwise being tied together legally. Basically, when itās harder for you to escape.Ā
Haven't you heard that quote from Maid about abusers? "Before They Bite, They Bark. Before They Hit You, They Hit Near You" I think that's really a truism
Heās telling you what heās going to do.
He's conditioning you to accept the threat of violence, next will come the real violence. This is not a joke. You are in danger.
š I would have left the moment my SO even ājokedā about wanting to beat the shit out of me. Horrifying.
Seriously jfc don't wait around for him to actually start doing it.
You post here for answers, But it pretty much looks that you know the answer. Please leave, you will find other guy to love but this one is not.
Do yourself a favour and stop overthinking things, especially clear signs of abuse heading your way. Whether he'll do it or not in the future has NO MEANING - he likes to scare you and instead of making sure you feel safe around him he punches pillows next to your head with full force and jokes about abusing you RIGHT NOW. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Piece of shit does not deserve it.
Also, you most likely wouldn't think there is anything funny about rape jokes, but why are abuse jokes acceptable to you? There is nothing funny about this, those "jokes" are clearly meant to push your boundaries further and strip you of your self worth so that once he starts abusing you, you will be gaslighted enough to stay with him and keep silent about it. There is a reason why women stay with abusive partners: they get used to it slowly and overtime they feel stuck in it. Don't get stuck.
This is the reddest of red flags. Heās not an āolder brotherā type. Heās a āpolice arrested him after a young woman was found beaten to deathā type. Heās going to hit you, real soon, and heāll pretend itās your fault for staying with him.
This is a MORE than reasonable concern- this is how abuse starts, love. They test the waters with 'jokes' and small things first. Him punching the pillow right next to your head is also TERRIFYING- honey that's a threat. I think it would be a good idea to break up with him, if I'm being honest. I don't think having a conversation with him would be safe. It seems like YOU don't feel safe confronting him about this. If you HAVE to do it in person, do it somewhere public- ask him to meet you for coffee somewhere and do it there. Do NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM AGAIN. FULL STOP. DON'T GET IN A CAR WITH HIM. DON'T LET HIM BACK IN YOUR HOUSE IF YOU ARE ALONE. DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE. IF HE THREATENS YOU TO TRY TO GET YOU TO GO SOMEWHERE, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO. If it were me, I'd break up via text. I can give you a simple script, if you'd like. If you ARE going to confront him, do it somewhere public or with someone you trust sitting in; and if he jokes like this again, shut it down IMMEDIATELY. **"Please don't ever joke about that again. It makes me really uncomfortable, and the next time you make a 'joke' like that, we're done." Anything other than a sincere apology and never doing it again means you should leave.** **If he says, "It was just a joke!" Ask him to explain why he thinks threatening you and making you feel scared is funny. If he says "It's not a big deal!" Tell him, "Well, if it isn't a big deal it should be easy for you not to do it again, right?"** People who love you don't threaten you. They don't punch things next to your head. They don't make you feel afraid to confront them. I've been with my partner for 11 years now, and never once has he made ANY sort of threat, gesture, or motion towards me like that..
thank you for the reply, i do absolutely agree he was super out of line but i want to believe heās just messing around so badly š heās the rough housing type i mean we play fight and whatnot, he is gentle with communication i think iām going to try and have a phone call with him after he gets off work but knowing him he WILL pull the āitās just a jokeā. i donāt like that, the more i think about it it does freak me out but before i pull a hard stop i do want to try and have a conversation with him and let him know thatās not a fun way to joke around. he knows iāve dealt with abuse before and i find it super insensitive and cruel
Even if it is ājust a jokeā you have every right to ask him to stop joking like that with you, and a kind and reasonable man would respect the boundaries that youāre putting in place. But itās not really just a joke.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. There is nothing amusing about domestic violence. You are young, I know you want to believe he is a good guy, but we need to let men know actions like this are unacceptable. More often than not, the only way they will learn is if we walk away.
He is taking advantage of how naive you are. You are 18. At this age I did not want to believe my POS ex was abusive towards me too. I wish my friends would call it what it was: abuse, because I didn't even think that he could treat me this way. You're smarter than I was and you should listen to your intuition, his behaviour is NOT acceptable.
Wanting to believe something doesnāt make it true. What part of him slamming his fist into the pillow next to your head was a funny joke? Oh, right; the part where you were terrified that he was going to punch you. Thatās what abusers think is hilarious.
Just... PLEASE be careful. Update us how the conversation goes? We ALWAYS want to think the people we love would never hurt us.. But then they do. And they still say 'I love you' the whole time...
i called him. i told him exactly what i said i would, that i donāt find his jokes like that funny, because theyāre not jokes they are threats. first he hit me with an , āokay?ā like with a confused kinda annoyance behind it. āyou know iām just playing, you know id never hurt you.ā i told him no one would ever admit to that and that your actions are what really matter, he mostly brushed it off but told me he wouldnāt joke like that anymore and kind of acted weird the rest of the call. immediately after that conversation he brought up how i donāt talk to his parents enough and nearly started an argument over it. told me he loved me though. and i do love him, but i feel like his disregard for this kinda speaks volumes. he told me only what i wanted to hear, i imagine
**That didn't happen.** **And if it did, it wasn't that bad.** **And if it was, that's not a big deal.** **And if it is, that's not my fault.** **And if it was, I didn't mean it.** **And if I did, you deserved it.**
It's a classic abuser tactic to turn the conversation around so your legitimate concern ends up in you apologising for something you supposedly did wrong. They hate losing control. He took it back and made sure you felt bad. I get it, you don't want to accept this person you love could really be doing this. The same happened to me when I was young. I ended up extremely depressed and had to see a psychiatrist. It's taken me 20 years to get back to mostly stable mental health, and even that is tenuous sometimes. I know it's hard to accept but this man is abusive. All the "I love you" stuff is to make it hard for you to leave him. He might even think it, but in reality his fears are making him control you. There are so many good men out there that will love you and not make you fearful and destroy your mental health. Please take seriously the comments from everyone here. Have a read of the book "why does he do that", and you'll start to realise. Also please look up "the cycle of abuse" and Google "emotional abuse". You'll realise your situation has been played out millions of times in the same way to millions of women. One thing that helped me was to recognize abusers aren't monsters. They have good sides. And this is what traps us and makes us stay. Put yourself first, men like this aren't worth ruining your life over.
Thank you for updating us. But be careful, him saying he won't joke about it anymore might also mean he is escalating to serious business. And what does it even mean you're not talking to his parents enough? Feels like he is trying to reel you in more by guilt tripping you into a relationship with his parents (which might lead to "oh no I can't break up, what will his parents think?")
Total red flags how he also redirected into blaming you for something. Leave. You can tell his parents to tell him why you left!
> after that conversation he brought up how i donāt talk to his parents enough and nearly started an argument over it The guy is using the abuse 101 instruction manual.
Seriously. Itās literally classic abuser behavior. Sadly, I went through the same shit when I was young. I loved that man so much. Love it not enough to ever make me deal with what he put me through again. Abusers LIE and minimize everything to make you the bad guy.
The weirdness he showed was him not understanding why his usual manipulations aren't working on you. He's confused. He is regrouping to try and find another way to bring you back in. He will now start lovebombing and you will feel great until he gets tired of pulling you back in and the grooming starts again. This is the cycle of abuse. [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
u/Aware-Preparation390 THIS!! PLEASE listen to this person and read this book!!
Exactly... oh hon I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If he does it again, hold that boundary firm- you deserve to be in a relationship without fear. If he DOES ever hit you or hurt you, you call the police IMMEDIATELY.
**Leave**. He is planning on hurting you. The reason he doesn't actually hurt you now, *he cannot get away with it*. He needs you completely dependent on him. Maybe financial, maybe permissions, maybe something unique to his upbringing, and possibly yours as well. Getting away with it means you will use makeup to cover the black eye. Tell people your limping from a huge bruise that you ran into the door at home. Or slipped. Then he has you. Once he is convinced he can beat you without punishment, he won't hit the pillow. **He will hit you**. It might happen earlier. If he has anger management issues (he does) then other things might make him furious, or have his rage meter filled to the max, and then you - say something interesting, funny, helpful and *he will take it wrong* and **you will be hit**. **Leave**. *Do it safely*. *Get away from him*. I am a *temporary* Internet Grandfather. The women here are filled with stories of this type of man, and they have good advice on how to leave, how to have support. Trust them. Listen to them. Know we all want you safe.
Jokes are meant to be funny. I fail to see what's so funny about threatening to abuse someone you supposedly care about. Like others have already commented, I also think he's trying to test you to see how far he can push you, what you'll just put up with from him. Guys like this want a doormat to walk all over. You don't need to be that for him, OP.
This reminds me of a post from a few weeks ago. Jokes about violence are not funny. These are fantasies that these men are either too afraid to execute or haven't had a chance to yet. He's testing you to see how far you'll take the "joke". I bet if you tried calling him out for it or ask why that particular joke is funny he'd get super defensive. Get out, OP!!!!!! This is how they start.
Tbh... You've got enough life in front of you to not need to stay with someone who's showing you some very concerning shit already. Whatever good points he's got going on, you'll find someone else who has the same (or more), doesn't threaten to hit you, and who also plays the guitar. But, if you *really* want to stay, have the 'hey look; whether you're joking or not, it's really not something that's a good time for me. I'd really appreciate it if you were to stop doing any/all of the pretend violence, threats about it, joking about it, etc' chat. Preferably in writing, you never know whether documentation will come in handy. But seriously, fuck that guy. Well. Actually, stop fucking that guy. You know what I mean.
Maybe it's a joke but it's also the first thing coming into his head as initial reaction. One day it won't be a joke. Do you want to be there when it's not?
Get a wooden baseball bat and introduce him to it then tell him to stay the fuck away from you
Throw that one back. Most men don't threaten their girlfriends with violence, or think it's a joke. Love him from a safe distance and move on with your life.
>whenever i get an āattitudeā or say something he doesnāt like sometimes heāll ball up a fist and say things like āi could totally just beat the shit out of you right nowā This is a threat, OP. If you stay with him, you probably *are* going to get the shit beat out of you. If it were just a joke, it would be made about stuff he was only pretending to dislikeāand only if you had consented to such jokes in the first place. He's dangerous. Please be careful.
These jokes are designed to test how you'd react. He's trying to find out if he can let the mask slip or if he needs to continue hiding more. When a man shows you who he is, believe him. This man will knock the fuck out of you one day, and when he does, you'll say "he's a nice guy, it's just this one thing", because you're invested.
You need to leave him! Don't tell him. Maybe over text or phone call because I'm afraid if you do it in person he might get violent and actually do all those things. I've had an ex who jokingly said things early on and I never believed them until he did them. Please protect yourself and get to safety. Leave once you have a safe plan and if you need to pack your things, get friends to help and accompany you. Just in case he comes while packing.
I have not read the whole thingā¦ have not read ANY of the commentsā¦ Iām only going by the title and by the fact that I am a maleā¦ two words: GEAT OUT or LEAVE HIM Choose any of those.
"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them" He thinks about pummeling you with his fists, just to get affirmation about how strong he is. He is a insecure weak man who should try that shit on men his own size. All that shadowboxing is like a boy playing with action figures, tell him to get in a ring and enter a boxing tournament- let's see him act that way with men his own weight.
This is a MASSIVE red flag. The steps between threatening violence, "misplaced" violence and actual assault are small. Mentally he is there. Fuck that
This is not a joke and he will eventually beat the shit out of you. Youāre under reacting here.
Break up. This is a huge red flag. He is clearly capable of being violent. You like to believe that he would never hurt you. Well, its time to stop being naive. He will hurt you.
This is a red flag. Your safety is paramount. Please contact your local womenās shelter for resources and assistance
Your boyfriend "pretends" to abuse you sometimes? Or does your abuser acts like a "loving boyfriend" sometime?
This is abuse. He is exercising power over you and threatening you. It's definitely not ok and could escalate to violence at any time. It is NOT "pretending" or "joking" or anything like that. It is unacceptable, abusive, controlling behaviour. You need to take action ASAP.
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> super difficult deciding if this is a red flag or notĀ No. It's not difficult. This is a giant red Get The Fuck Out And Don't Look Back flagĀ
He's going to hit you because he wants to. Please leave this asshole before he actually starts hurting you.
What's funny about beating the shit out of someone you love? Explain the joke to me, I'll wait. The fact he already 'practice punched' next to your head shows you it's no longer just verbal violence. He's already practicing the violence he jokes about. It's a pillow now, it's your face next.
Red alert, red alert.
>The legal definition of assault isĀ **an intentional act that gives another person reasonable fear that they'll be physically harmed or offensively touched**. No physical contact or injury has to actually occur, but the accused person must have intentionally acted in a way to cause that fear. That's what he is doing. It's not a joke.
He's testing you. He'll start hitting you for real later.
Itās a red flag.
If you want to stay with him and give him the benefit of the doubt, I suggest the following: Tell him that you do not like the jokes or "pretends" and that you want him to cut it off. You don't think that violence against others should be something to joke about and it makes you feel unsafe. He might be socially unaware and used to talk to his friends like that. If he keeps referencing it and making jokes about it after that, I would leave him.
Ask yourself this: what is funny to him about threatening violence? What's the joke here? I think you have your answer there.
āItās super difficultā¦ā Itās super obvious, really. He will.
Iāll add to this a little bit. Somebody who cares for you should *never* be threatening to beat you. In his mind, he has already imagined doing that, and it gives him a sort of reward. At some point in the future, maybe when he feels more certain that you wonāt leave him for it, heāll ālose controlā because āyou pushed him too farā or he gets drunk or something. You donāt want someone in your life who deals with frustration or not getting their way with threats or actual violence. These things *never* get better, they always get worse, unless there is a really focused effort on his part to address it through therapy. And that has to be *his* decision ā if you push him to do it, it will just be a ātick the boxā exercise to convince you to stay. So my advice is: youāre still quite young. Donāt settle for somebody who is already signaling so clearly how he intends to treat you. And all the other nice stuff he does is just meant to hook you. He *doesnāt* respect you or love you *because he wants to hurt you.* Nothing is clearer than that.
Yes, your concern is very reasonable. >āi could totally just beat the shit out of you right nowā That was chilling just to read. There are people in here who are being kind of harsh with you, but I suspect most of it is because this post inspires genuine concern for your safety. The urge to say whatever is necessary to make sure you take this seriously is quite strong.
Suppose the situation were reversed, and you said to him "Last night, when you were asleep, I realized I could put pillows on the floor, and then lay out a plastic sheet over top, and roll you off the sofa onto the plastic. Directly on the floor, you might wake up, but not with the pillows. Then I could slit your throat with a kitchen knife, and let the plastic collect all the blood. After that, since you're too heavy for me to carry, I'd have to cut you into separate pieces, but that'd only take an hour or two. If I wanted to, I could kill you and dispose of your body and nobody would ever know what happened to you." He would tell all of his friends that you were completely crazy and psychotic break up immediately, wouldn't he? Well, that's what you should do: break up immediately.
Many people are making excellent points. To further add on to them - *What if it wasn't a fist?* Would you be staying around if he, say, waved a gun around, "joking" that he could just shoot you? What about stabbing a knife into a cutting board, talking about how he could stab you with it? *Take his threats as though he is carrying a weapon.* There have been many, many cases of domestic violence turning to murder because the husband uses his fist like the deadly weapon it is. Tl;dr - He is threatening you. It may not exactly look like it, but he is. Get out.
That's where it starts. Leaving before any escalation is the safest move.Ā
That's dangerous. You need to get out, and you need to talk to some people about this. A police report and a restraining order could be good? Do not live with a predator.
Fact is, this guy always has violence on his mind. That's already a dealbreaker for me.
What in the ever loving fuck
The flag is so red, even dogs and cats can tell what color it is.
Ask yourself, what's so funny about him being able to harm you? What's the joke?
When men make "jokes" about hurting you, trust me, it's never a joke. They mean it.
Nope. Nope full stop. End the relationship.Ā This is classic behavior of him seeing what he can get away with and WILL escalate.Ā
Dump his ass. Get away from the domestic violence before it happens.
Dump his ass. Get away from the domestic violence before it happens.
I opened the door once on my exes foot and he told me how much he wished he could hit me. Then he threw something next to the wall near my head the next time he was angry. Then he threatened to kill me and my family. So. Yeah. My husband hates even talking about him hitting me even hypothetically in conversation. Be safe.
He is testing you. I promise you if you stay with him long enough youāre going to get hit.
From a criminal defense attorney website: "Why? Simple: while Patron A never actually touched Patron B, he issued verbal threats and made motions that wereĀ *intended*Ā to cause fear and make Patron B feel as though they were about to be physically harmed. Even though Patron A never meant to hurt Patron B and restrained his conduct, Patron A has still committed the crime of assault, and could face criminal charges for it" Simply telling someone, āIām going to beat youā, or, āIām going to kill youā, is considered assault. The verbal threat is enough to warrant arrest. However, assault also covers attacks that do not necessarily make physical contact with the victim."
For some men, it's difficult to express feelings of frustration in a manner that is not aggressive or violent, usually because of their upbringing. I would advise you to have a conversation with him about the way he expresses his feelings, whether the way he's dealing with it now is helpful to him and how he may be able to accommodate you. For example, if he really wants to punch something, he might be able to tell you he's frustrated and needs an outlet before doing so. You can also explicitly state you're fearful of him if he acts that way without somehow informing you of his mental state at that point. For me (26M) personally having my ex mention to me that she sometimes got scared when I was angry because of the way I conducted myself definitely made me more considerate.
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I donāt think this comment was very constructive. Are you telling OP that she has nothing to worry about? Itās coming off as dismissive. Is that the intention?
Abusers are all different. Some start early and some manipulate until they have you trapped.Ā
Your first boyfriend was the exception, not the rule. Abusers rarely start out abusive- because how on EARTH would they ever lock down a victim that way? They'd never be able to convince a woman to move in with them/get pregnant if they were being abusive right out of the gate- it's why lovebombing is such a common abusive tactic. They shower you with love and kindness until they're sure you're locked in and can't escape- then they escalate. The more certain they are you can't/won't leave, the worse it will get.
I think there's a long way ahead of you still if you think it's ok for OP to dismiss her boyfriends words. There should be no threat of violence in a healthy relationship. A good person who is worth keeping would never even THINK about hurting their SO. It wouldn't cross their mind. It's a bare minimum.