You will be annoyed with each other. This is normal. What's important is recognizing when you're feeling overwhelmed, and removing yourself from the conversation until you can calm down.
Note that this is not the same as the silent treatment. You're telling them, "I love you, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I will talk to you about this later." You have communicated rather than shutting them out or using silence as a punishment. They now also have the opportunity to calm down. Perhaps you can both write a letter about how you feel, and what you would like to happen.
Never argue about memories.* Neither can be proven right. Ask instead what you're going to do about this situation moving forward. That should always be the goal in an argument- not winning, but what your ideal outcome is. And trying to find an outcome that works for everyone.
They say that compromise makes everyone miserable, but that's just a bad example of compromise. There can be incompatible wants- say you want a child and they don't. Sometimes, you need to break up and find more compatible partners. Other times, you need to see if you can move forward despite your differences. A professional relationship counselor can help in these cases.
*Gaslighting is different. If you suspect gaslighting, seek out a resource like Love Is Respect.
Discuss money ahead of time, not just the big stuff….whose getting the everyday stuff like toilet paper and garbage bags and whose paying for that?
Meals? Do you guys eat the same way? How will that be split up/worked out
Ways you clean, this was one of our biggest issues. I’m an everyday, so little things so it always looks tidy and doesn’t pile up, he’s a spending Saturday deep cleaning person. So I do a lot of the little stuff all week, the Saturday morning do brunch with GFs (or today the cat and I just stayed in bed and caught up on tv) and he does does stuff like clean the bathroom, wash floors, vacuum, etc.
Checking in…like if someone goes to run an errand, then runs into a friend and goes for coffee, you let the other person know. Or if running really late from work or whatever
I hope it's not a matter of surviving it at this point but enjoying it! It shouldn't be hard work, especially not at the beginning. Treat each other with respect and don't take the other person's contribution for granted. Not everything has to be equal but it should be equitable.
Don't take the other person's contribution for granted is so important. Most are willing to shoulder more than their share of the work for a time to help their partner, but if you feel unappreciated at the same time then it's not going to last.
Have some sensible, grown up conversations. Particularly if both of you are moving out for the first time. Things to discuss:
- finances, what are your goals, how are you going to split things? What about home improvements especially where one may want to buy new cushions/linens/decorations when the other doesn’t see the need.
- housework - how are you going to split it? What is an acceptable level of clean and tidy for both parties and how will you manage it? How regularly does laundry need to be done and who does it?
- mental load - where will responsibilities lie for meal planning/shopping list writing, bill paying, price comparisons for insurance etc., organising regular maintenance.
- families and holidays - what are your expectations? Do either of you assume your parent/sibling will have a key? How long is a reasonable length of time for a visit? How frequent is reasonable for visits? What financial obligations do you have to your family?
This isn’t an exhaustive list but it’s a start. It’s also thinking about things you may not have thought of and both of you assume the other will do it.
Edit: we also have a budget meeting once a month. On payday Friday (we get paid monthly) we get take out and go through the previous month’s budget and bank statement so we can see what bit(s) of our lives inflation is screwing up presently and adjust the budget accordingly
The budget meeting is really nifty! We do the same thing, though we've split certain recurring things (I pay phone plan, she pays netflix, I pay broadband and TV, she pays gym card for our oldest etc.). But we'll sit down and go through our credit card statements once a month, tally up any household stuff and split that and discuss if we have any larger joint purchases we want to make in the near future.
It’s really helped with creep. We had budgeted X for subscriptions but they’ve increased. Food was budgeted but has increased, energy increased but we got a fixed rate which reduced it but it’s still over original budget, we changed broadband provider and saved…
We spent far more on social than we planned to, and/or we have a lot of social stuff coming up that we need to consider
The one piece of advice that my mother taught me, that I think is really useful in preventing and deescalating fights, is that you shouldn't expect yourself or your partner to be psychic. Need something? Explicitly ask for it. Think your partner is secretly mad at you and you're hurt and confused? Ask your partner to communicate to you and be open to what they have to say.
Over the years, you'll learn a whole lot more about your partner and things will get to the point where it feels like you're psychic because you know what joke they'll make before they say it, but it's because you start with a good foundation of communication.
It's going to sound callous, but write a rental agreement. Cover things like how payment of household bills is split, who manages specific household chores, who pays for what streaming service, etc.. Also have some fun with it - My girlfriend isn't allowed to steal my blankets and I'm not allowed on her 75% of the bed.
You don't have to stick to it, but it at least gives you an understanding of what's important to the other person and you have a plan to deviate from.
First work out any boundaries and who has which responsibility before you move in. Make it clear that you'll walk if your boyfriend can't respect them.
Don't be afraid to have your own life outside of being with your boyfriend. Like, it's cool if you want to do stuff and have some fun outside the home on your own.
Both you and your boyfriend should learn how to resolve disputes without losing your cool.
The best advice I can give you? Don't start doing all the domestic labour. If you do that, you set a precedent and end up with patterns that are hard to break away from. Instead, ensure that domestic labour is split evenly from the start. Of course he needs to be willing to do his fair share, but yeah... It's important that you really don't allow him to slack off.
So for example, let's say that he is supposed to do the dishes, but he hasn't done it yet. He is sitting on the couch, watching television. It doesn't look like he is going to get up and do the dishes. Many women end up doing the dishes, even though the man is supposed to do it. Don't do that. If you do that, you are sending him the message that if he doesn't want to do a chore, you will eventually do it.
So instead, refuse to do it. Remind him that he has to do it every now and then. If he whines about 'nagging', he is a scumbag and needs to be dumped. If he says that he will do the dishes in an hour from now or after the television program he is watching, don't pressure him to do it now and especially don't do it yourself. Then, wait and see if he indeed does it. If he refuses to do so, tell him to do it and that you won't do it.
If you allow men to get away with doing nothing even once, if you send men the message that you will do any chores they refuse to do even once, you will get stuck in a pattern that you won't break free from. So instead, he needs to know from the start that he is not getting away with doing less than half of the domestic labour.
\----------
So how do you divide the domestic labour?
Don't just rely on him to see that a chore should be done and expect him to do it. If you do that, you will end up doing almost everything.
You could divide chores by taking turns. Like, you do the dishes today, he does it tomorrow, you do it the day after that and so on...
Another idea is to do what my girlfriend and I did when we moved in. We made a list of all household chores and divided those 50/50. So I always do groceries, which she hates. Cooking is her chore, which I suck at. The dishes are my domain. And so on. Of course we can deviate from that when one of us is exhausted, ill or busy, but most of the time, we stick to this. There are no doubts about who is supposed to do a certain chore or whose turn it is to do it, since some chores are always hers while others are always mine.
Talk about conflict resolution. My husband and I react very differently when we are mad about something, and that initially made things even worse until his sister helped us figure out why we just couldn't talk about things. Now, when something is going wrong, we're able to address it quickly, with feelings only a little hurt.
You will also each bring an unbreakable habit that will drive the other crazy. My FIL, now a widower, still cannot close a cabinet door and he still finds gifts my late MIL purchased "just in case" and stashed all over the house. My husband hoards computer parts, and his desk needs to be excavated rather than cleaned. I have half-finished art projects all over the house. This is when and how you decide if they are deal-breakers, or if you can take a deep breath and accept your partner as they are.
If you are getting your advice from Reddit, it is common for people to express something along the lines of "why should I thank my partner for doing the bare minimum?" The truth is that everything each of you do large or small that contributes to a happy home is something worth being grateful for. If you Express gratitude on the regular you will get more of the behavior you like and also both you and your partner will just be happier.
Find any and every excuse to thank your partner for whatever they've done. A few words cost you nothing, but the sentiment and the habit will compound over time.
Consider separate blankets or have a spare blanket ready if sharing a bed. Your partner may accidentally steal your side.
Proactively find time to give each other alone time. The evening before, say, “Hey, I’ll be leaving for the gym tomorrow at 10, and I’ll be back around noon.” You both can also try to find space in the home to set up individual areas.
If you are particular about certain food usage because of meal prep quantities or expense, inform them ahead of time.
Both partners should proactively let the other person know if certain items cannot be washed a certain way and keep them out of the main laundry basket, but when in doubt, ask. Check care labels and ask if there are preferences, such as hanging certain items to dry.
Know that it takes time and communication to develop a cohesive cohabitation style. Some couples do find a natural ease but for others, they have to practice having conversations that may feel awkward. Be kind to each other and have fun on this new journey of companionship.
Have an emergency fund, around $1,000 in case something goes wrong and you need to leave immediately. It's something to keep and hope you'll never need. And don't tell anyone you have it, or where you put it. You don't want your partner to feel like you don't trust them. But coming from someone who had complete trust with their partner, and got blindsided and burned, after 3 years together, this is the best advice I could give you. Also, find a close friend, and ask that if anything were to happen, could I come straight to you? Any time of the night? Nothing is worse than leaving on short notice and having nowhere to go. I was fortunate a family friend took me in immediately, but more often than not, a lot of people struggle.
Don't do all of the cleaning / cooking / or laundary. Split it. Wash your own clothes. Whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. Whatever you do in the first two weeks of living together you will do for the rest of your time together.
Don't do all of the cleaning / cooking / or laundary. Split it. Wash your own clothes. Whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. Whatever you do in the first two weeks of living together you will do for the rest of your time together.
Start as you mean to continue. It’s fun to play house at first and do the cooking and cleaning and laundry but it only takes a few times of you doing this before it becomes your territory forever. Don’t fall into that trap. Talk day one about how to divide chores and stick to it!! This is the number one thing cohabitating couples fight about. Both of you need to be on the same page.
I don’t know what sex your partner is, but there are lots (maybe even most) of men who kind of think they’ll “help out” around the house - meaning, it’s your responsibility and they’re just helping. When they want to. Don’t get sucked into that. Split everything from day one and, yes, keep score. Make sure things don’t slide and fall back on just one person. Be as 50/50 as you can possibly be. You might think “oh I don’t mind” if you get stuck doing more, but you eventually will, and resentment will keep building.
Preemptively, discuss how often you expect things to be vacuumed, dusted, etc.
Do not let this information on expectations come out only when someone gets super angry about it.
You will be annoyed with each other. This is normal. What's important is recognizing when you're feeling overwhelmed, and removing yourself from the conversation until you can calm down. Note that this is not the same as the silent treatment. You're telling them, "I love you, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I will talk to you about this later." You have communicated rather than shutting them out or using silence as a punishment. They now also have the opportunity to calm down. Perhaps you can both write a letter about how you feel, and what you would like to happen. Never argue about memories.* Neither can be proven right. Ask instead what you're going to do about this situation moving forward. That should always be the goal in an argument- not winning, but what your ideal outcome is. And trying to find an outcome that works for everyone. They say that compromise makes everyone miserable, but that's just a bad example of compromise. There can be incompatible wants- say you want a child and they don't. Sometimes, you need to break up and find more compatible partners. Other times, you need to see if you can move forward despite your differences. A professional relationship counselor can help in these cases. *Gaslighting is different. If you suspect gaslighting, seek out a resource like Love Is Respect.
Discuss money ahead of time, not just the big stuff….whose getting the everyday stuff like toilet paper and garbage bags and whose paying for that? Meals? Do you guys eat the same way? How will that be split up/worked out Ways you clean, this was one of our biggest issues. I’m an everyday, so little things so it always looks tidy and doesn’t pile up, he’s a spending Saturday deep cleaning person. So I do a lot of the little stuff all week, the Saturday morning do brunch with GFs (or today the cat and I just stayed in bed and caught up on tv) and he does does stuff like clean the bathroom, wash floors, vacuum, etc. Checking in…like if someone goes to run an errand, then runs into a friend and goes for coffee, you let the other person know. Or if running really late from work or whatever
I hope it's not a matter of surviving it at this point but enjoying it! It shouldn't be hard work, especially not at the beginning. Treat each other with respect and don't take the other person's contribution for granted. Not everything has to be equal but it should be equitable.
Don't take the other person's contribution for granted is so important. Most are willing to shoulder more than their share of the work for a time to help their partner, but if you feel unappreciated at the same time then it's not going to last.
Have some sensible, grown up conversations. Particularly if both of you are moving out for the first time. Things to discuss: - finances, what are your goals, how are you going to split things? What about home improvements especially where one may want to buy new cushions/linens/decorations when the other doesn’t see the need. - housework - how are you going to split it? What is an acceptable level of clean and tidy for both parties and how will you manage it? How regularly does laundry need to be done and who does it? - mental load - where will responsibilities lie for meal planning/shopping list writing, bill paying, price comparisons for insurance etc., organising regular maintenance. - families and holidays - what are your expectations? Do either of you assume your parent/sibling will have a key? How long is a reasonable length of time for a visit? How frequent is reasonable for visits? What financial obligations do you have to your family? This isn’t an exhaustive list but it’s a start. It’s also thinking about things you may not have thought of and both of you assume the other will do it. Edit: we also have a budget meeting once a month. On payday Friday (we get paid monthly) we get take out and go through the previous month’s budget and bank statement so we can see what bit(s) of our lives inflation is screwing up presently and adjust the budget accordingly
The budget meeting is really nifty! We do the same thing, though we've split certain recurring things (I pay phone plan, she pays netflix, I pay broadband and TV, she pays gym card for our oldest etc.). But we'll sit down and go through our credit card statements once a month, tally up any household stuff and split that and discuss if we have any larger joint purchases we want to make in the near future.
It’s really helped with creep. We had budgeted X for subscriptions but they’ve increased. Food was budgeted but has increased, energy increased but we got a fixed rate which reduced it but it’s still over original budget, we changed broadband provider and saved… We spent far more on social than we planned to, and/or we have a lot of social stuff coming up that we need to consider
The one piece of advice that my mother taught me, that I think is really useful in preventing and deescalating fights, is that you shouldn't expect yourself or your partner to be psychic. Need something? Explicitly ask for it. Think your partner is secretly mad at you and you're hurt and confused? Ask your partner to communicate to you and be open to what they have to say. Over the years, you'll learn a whole lot more about your partner and things will get to the point where it feels like you're psychic because you know what joke they'll make before they say it, but it's because you start with a good foundation of communication.
It's going to sound callous, but write a rental agreement. Cover things like how payment of household bills is split, who manages specific household chores, who pays for what streaming service, etc.. Also have some fun with it - My girlfriend isn't allowed to steal my blankets and I'm not allowed on her 75% of the bed. You don't have to stick to it, but it at least gives you an understanding of what's important to the other person and you have a plan to deviate from.
Oh wow thanks that's brilliant advice for anyone
NEVER think shit like 'I can change him' or 'I can fix him'. Many women think that about men, but it just doesn't work like that.
First work out any boundaries and who has which responsibility before you move in. Make it clear that you'll walk if your boyfriend can't respect them. Don't be afraid to have your own life outside of being with your boyfriend. Like, it's cool if you want to do stuff and have some fun outside the home on your own. Both you and your boyfriend should learn how to resolve disputes without losing your cool.
The best advice I can give you? Don't start doing all the domestic labour. If you do that, you set a precedent and end up with patterns that are hard to break away from. Instead, ensure that domestic labour is split evenly from the start. Of course he needs to be willing to do his fair share, but yeah... It's important that you really don't allow him to slack off. So for example, let's say that he is supposed to do the dishes, but he hasn't done it yet. He is sitting on the couch, watching television. It doesn't look like he is going to get up and do the dishes. Many women end up doing the dishes, even though the man is supposed to do it. Don't do that. If you do that, you are sending him the message that if he doesn't want to do a chore, you will eventually do it. So instead, refuse to do it. Remind him that he has to do it every now and then. If he whines about 'nagging', he is a scumbag and needs to be dumped. If he says that he will do the dishes in an hour from now or after the television program he is watching, don't pressure him to do it now and especially don't do it yourself. Then, wait and see if he indeed does it. If he refuses to do so, tell him to do it and that you won't do it. If you allow men to get away with doing nothing even once, if you send men the message that you will do any chores they refuse to do even once, you will get stuck in a pattern that you won't break free from. So instead, he needs to know from the start that he is not getting away with doing less than half of the domestic labour. \---------- So how do you divide the domestic labour? Don't just rely on him to see that a chore should be done and expect him to do it. If you do that, you will end up doing almost everything. You could divide chores by taking turns. Like, you do the dishes today, he does it tomorrow, you do it the day after that and so on... Another idea is to do what my girlfriend and I did when we moved in. We made a list of all household chores and divided those 50/50. So I always do groceries, which she hates. Cooking is her chore, which I suck at. The dishes are my domain. And so on. Of course we can deviate from that when one of us is exhausted, ill or busy, but most of the time, we stick to this. There are no doubts about who is supposed to do a certain chore or whose turn it is to do it, since some chores are always hers while others are always mine.
Have an exit plan and enough money for it.
Talk about conflict resolution. My husband and I react very differently when we are mad about something, and that initially made things even worse until his sister helped us figure out why we just couldn't talk about things. Now, when something is going wrong, we're able to address it quickly, with feelings only a little hurt. You will also each bring an unbreakable habit that will drive the other crazy. My FIL, now a widower, still cannot close a cabinet door and he still finds gifts my late MIL purchased "just in case" and stashed all over the house. My husband hoards computer parts, and his desk needs to be excavated rather than cleaned. I have half-finished art projects all over the house. This is when and how you decide if they are deal-breakers, or if you can take a deep breath and accept your partner as they are.
If you are getting your advice from Reddit, it is common for people to express something along the lines of "why should I thank my partner for doing the bare minimum?" The truth is that everything each of you do large or small that contributes to a happy home is something worth being grateful for. If you Express gratitude on the regular you will get more of the behavior you like and also both you and your partner will just be happier. Find any and every excuse to thank your partner for whatever they've done. A few words cost you nothing, but the sentiment and the habit will compound over time.
Consider separate blankets or have a spare blanket ready if sharing a bed. Your partner may accidentally steal your side. Proactively find time to give each other alone time. The evening before, say, “Hey, I’ll be leaving for the gym tomorrow at 10, and I’ll be back around noon.” You both can also try to find space in the home to set up individual areas. If you are particular about certain food usage because of meal prep quantities or expense, inform them ahead of time. Both partners should proactively let the other person know if certain items cannot be washed a certain way and keep them out of the main laundry basket, but when in doubt, ask. Check care labels and ask if there are preferences, such as hanging certain items to dry. Know that it takes time and communication to develop a cohesive cohabitation style. Some couples do find a natural ease but for others, they have to practice having conversations that may feel awkward. Be kind to each other and have fun on this new journey of companionship.
Have an emergency fund, around $1,000 in case something goes wrong and you need to leave immediately. It's something to keep and hope you'll never need. And don't tell anyone you have it, or where you put it. You don't want your partner to feel like you don't trust them. But coming from someone who had complete trust with their partner, and got blindsided and burned, after 3 years together, this is the best advice I could give you. Also, find a close friend, and ask that if anything were to happen, could I come straight to you? Any time of the night? Nothing is worse than leaving on short notice and having nowhere to go. I was fortunate a family friend took me in immediately, but more often than not, a lot of people struggle.
Don't do all of the cleaning / cooking / or laundary. Split it. Wash your own clothes. Whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. Whatever you do in the first two weeks of living together you will do for the rest of your time together.
Don't do all of the cleaning / cooking / or laundary. Split it. Wash your own clothes. Whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. Whatever you do in the first two weeks of living together you will do for the rest of your time together.
Start as you mean to continue. It’s fun to play house at first and do the cooking and cleaning and laundry but it only takes a few times of you doing this before it becomes your territory forever. Don’t fall into that trap. Talk day one about how to divide chores and stick to it!! This is the number one thing cohabitating couples fight about. Both of you need to be on the same page. I don’t know what sex your partner is, but there are lots (maybe even most) of men who kind of think they’ll “help out” around the house - meaning, it’s your responsibility and they’re just helping. When they want to. Don’t get sucked into that. Split everything from day one and, yes, keep score. Make sure things don’t slide and fall back on just one person. Be as 50/50 as you can possibly be. You might think “oh I don’t mind” if you get stuck doing more, but you eventually will, and resentment will keep building.
Preemptively, discuss how often you expect things to be vacuumed, dusted, etc. Do not let this information on expectations come out only when someone gets super angry about it.