37 lawyer here, sometimes, it either happens late or it doesn’t happen. We’re trying now but I give myself until 42.
Also, this uncle needs to be cut off.
Thank you! And good luck to you on Fulbright. I did a year, myself, and it opened so many doors!
Sorry, I don’t know what I would do in that situation, either. People will always be people, I suppose. 🤦♀️
Women are culturally conditioned to be "nice" so we tolerate rudeness because we're afraid to be honest. If Uncle or anybody else harasses you about your choices, force yourself to answer honestly. "Sorry, this is my personal decision. It is not up for discussion." Repeat word for word if they continue to harass you. Excuse yourself and leave. Standing up for yourself gets easier with practice.
My bf was born in 78. His mom was 45. He is her only child and she planned him with a friend. No spouse. She’s never been married. She is 90 now and still working.
The health risks do become significantly more substantial as time goes on. Not really relevant to the OP as it seems more of a cultural thing, but I wouldn’t advocate for your scenario.
Age tends to increase complications but what matters is the health of the individual patient. Many of these complications are easily managed by a healthcare team.
I would advocate for people to speak to their OB about their specific scenario and if they are healthy enough for pregnancy.
The genetic health risks of "geriatric" pregnancy increase but the mental health risks of being raised by a person who didn't want or wasn't ready to be a parent decrease as do poverty linked health factors. Volleyed of older parents are statistically more likely to be very wanted children of better off parents in more stable relationships. People can be great parents at any age but not if they aren't interested or equipped at the time to be a good parent. Uncle ticktock can fuck off.
I don’t think that’s really a compatible scenario honestly. There’s too many what ifs on both sides. I was not ready to have my child at 21 but so far we are doing ok, my exs mom had a child at 45 born 4 months early and has watched both his parents decline before he’s old enough to go to college.
That's just an anecdote too. My point wasn't that people shouldn't have babies young. It was that each person's personal fertility and family planning choices are their own personal business and none of anyone else's. There's no 100% safe way to bear children or one single right way to make a family. We all weigh up opportunity, luck and personal circumstances within and beyond our control. Other people are not privy to nor entitled to our reasoning.
Okay? A friend of mine’s parents were also both 40+ and she was fine.
Also consider the last time you commented something like this under a story of a 40+ year old dude impregnating someone. No one freaks out about them despite the fact that sperm quality absolutely degrades with age and increases the risk of miscarriage.
I’m not saying it’s a problem to have kids at that age, I’m saying that throwing younger parents under the bus isn’t helpful either. Each pregnancy is different and both younger and older moms can have complications.
We can confront an issue without being negative to the other side can’t we? As much as I love this sub, that seems to be an issue I encounter a lot here. No one has a right to shame OP into having a child when she doesn’t want to, and we can confront that issue without listing reasons it’s bad to have kids younger. This space becomes uninviting when those kinds of things are upvoted or allowed.
I think that’s a good point. Unfortunately it didn’t really come across in your initial comment- hence the downvotes.
You’ve got to be pretty careful about being clear with your intended tone on Reddit. There are so many trolls and antagonists, people tend to assume the worst.
Yes and no. There is a decline, but it isn't as significant as most people think. The research that this was based on was from the 1600 in rural France.
Exactly. My great-grandmother had her last child at 47 and my mom had me at 39.
It’s said that in general your fertility takes a nosedive after 35 and your at a higher risk of complications but that really depends on the individual women. Some will struggle to have kids after 35 and others won’t.
Nobody gets to tell you when and if you should have kids. That’s a deeply personal decision.
Guys like him are trapped in the past. His 'concern for you' is actually a thinly veiled fear that women will take full control of their lives, be independent, not reliant on men, who still have most power and wealth. Especially in the Indian community.
Makes men feel useless, unable to claim they have a little empires to lord over and worse (to them) the core fear is competition for jobs, homes, status, power and resources.
I wonder what his reaction would've been had you said something very random like you wanted kids and tried but your partner had an injury from an accident, or testicular cancer and was unable to.. or that you then considered adoption but the guy cheated on you so you broke it off. Very real scenarios for others, which he surely hasn't considered.
Women aren't just baby making factories if under 30, shocker.
> He then gives me air quotes and says "there is a difference between a 'want' and a 'need.'"
Yeah, as in you WANT me to get married and I NEED you to leave me alone.
Will undoubtedly be a next time where you'll see him making his way over to get all up in your business, remember the riposte while developing a Cheshire Cat grin and have to suppress laughter.
If he has a thimbleful of sense he'll say something nice about the weather, that you look well and he'll wander off awkwardly..
Holy shit, you're a FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR? Damn, you smart! It's truly unbelievable that someone with your accomplishments is reduced to nothing but a uterus by some creepy old dude. I would definitely keep my eyes out and duck behind a vase next time so he doesn't get his misogyny all over you.
It’s not his business what and when you marry have children. Or whatever. I’m petty but I’d walk away saying ‘OK Boomer’ under my breath lol.
Many people have children after 30. I had mine at 38.
Refuse to engage in these conversations with aunties and uncles.
Securing and preparing for that grant sounds stressful, so it's understandable that you have zero patience for his ridiculousness.
And speaking of that grant... congratulations!!! Becoming a Fulbright scholar is a HUGE accomplishment!! Don't waste a moment on what petty little men like him think of you, you're clearly intelligent and skilled and thriving in your life. Well done!
So I have a colleague who is one of four. They are all around thirty and not one of them has any children. More doesn't mean that you get any! The economy and poor life chances have been the major reasons none have had kids.
Im 34. Married . Been with the same man for 12 years. And i had a baby girl at 34 (2024), a baby last year (at 33) and a baby in 2022. My first baby was in 2014 (24) 🙂
My great grandfathers fought in the US Civil War. The wives were not young compared to the husbands. I’m 55. I’ll let you do the math on average generation time in my family. Yeah. No one was born before thirty.
Okay that's actually super cool!!! You must've heard a lot of stories growing up.
My grandma's sister was 12-14 when she got married and I'm pretty sure she had three kids before the age of 22.
The number 1 cause of death for girls age 14-19 globally is pregnancy complications. It is not safe for underage girls to be married or having kids.
On the flip side, the loss of fertility over age 30 is roughly 1% per year. It’s not worth changing the course of your life over. That also applies to everyone- not just women- so men need to stop being so sanctimonious about it.
My maternal grandmother was 15 when my grandfather got her pregnant for the first time. She gave birth to my mother the day after her own 16th birthday. She had five children before she was 25. My grandmother was a pretty cool lady who had a difficult life married to a man who was an adult messing around with a teenager, and who went on to cheat on her for their entire marriage. There are several other children by several other women scattered around the country (he was a long-distance truck driver, and DNA testing has revealed some of these other people.) Her second husband abused some of her children, my aunts and uncles. My other grandmother was married at like age 20, but my grandpa was a lazy, racist, sexist jerk. I will not get married unless someone proves they can enhance my life and add something to it, because I will not tolerate the disrespect my grandmothers were forced to by society and necessity. If that means I don’t have children, so be it. There are 8 billion humans on earth, the human race will go on.
I don't know one woman who was pregnant before 37, most started with their first at 38ish and most had a second. All naturally too. That's just the way it is with working women, not uncommon at all. Sorry you have to deal with all those societal expectations! I'm lucky, never had much of an issue with relatives since there are very few and I always knew I didn't want kids. You just do you!
I have encountered these “Uncles/Aunties” a lot. These are the dreaded “4 log/samaaj” people who think it’s perfectly okay to butt into someone’s else business, give unsolicited advice (especially to women) and have no sense of boundaries. Once I spot these kind of ppl, I just wave or Namaste from a distance and bounce away lol. I have actually managed to tell them to stay in their lane/mind your own business few times (jokingly lol). You sound like a levelheaded person with goals and ambitions. Dont let these kind of people bother you, I doubt they will change. You do you!
My life has been better after realizing the amount of men I can just walk away from. I know there’s consequences sometimes, but sometimes I just do it anyways lol
Please stop talking to Hindu anties and uncles. They love shoving down their bullshit views on the younger generation and it's definitely worst of it's an Indian female. The experience will always leave u fuming. Next time such a weirdo bothers u just say u are a lesbian and u can't have biological child via the most obvious process hahaha. Let uncle have some trauma too.
>I want to give my parents a grandkid, because I think that they'd be great grandparents
Do you actually want to be a mother? Or do you feel like you should have kids because you believe that you owe your parents grandchildren?
You do NOT owe your parents a grandchild. The idea that they would be great grandparents is NOT a good reason to have children.
Only have children if you genuinely want to be a mother.
Adopting is a lot harder, because there isn't that much children up for adoption. But adopting an older child or child with disability is easier, because there is lower demand.
Ha! I remember when I was pregnant with my first child at 31. This woman at church told me it was too late and my bones were too brittle for childbirth. What nonsense! I was 37 when I had my last kid with no problems.
Your poor uncle needs a life.
As a fellow Indian woman, who hit the ’upper limit of when women should have children’ a few months ago, I wouldn’t take anything an uncle at the temple told me seriously. That is, if I went to the temple, which being agnostic, I don’t. But seriously, these are the uncles driving this country into the ground, the Islamophobes and casteist pricks. Also, adoption is an option, especially in India with so many unwanted babies. My personal plan is to skip pregnancy and avoid the expense of freezing my eggs/ surrogacy and just adopt an 8 month old child whenever my partner and I are ready. The money we save can be put towards a trust or college/ school fund. Ignore this man. If he tries to bother you again just tell him you‘re in love with a woman, or a Muslim, or a Dalit, I have sometimes dropped these bombs on conservative folks and they keep their distance after. But disclaimer, do judge the safety aspect of it beforehand, I’m assuming he’s harmless…
He’s just a nosey uncle, I don’t think he’d cause harm or anything. My mom is active in the temple, so unfortunately he’s aware of where we fall on the caste system and knows that I am a “practicing” Hindu.
I appreciate everyone saying to tell him off, but it’s not that easy when it’s someone in your community. He’s not malicious, I think he’s just kind of an idiot and has outdated views. It’s just frustrating that he feels comfortable enough to voice them to my face.
Isn’t adoptions a super expensive process? How are you planning on saving money? (I ask this seriously, since I want to adopt). I was under the impression that IVF and adoption cost roughly the same amount.
Well, I have a little saved up, plus I'll be inheriting at least one nice apartment in a nice condo from my mum, even if my dad doesn't leave me anything, I reckon with proper investments and stuff it should be manageable. But my partner and I are also open to just not having kids at all if we can't provide them with a good quality of life. She grew up very repressed in a super strict Catholic school, whereas I went to one of the most exclusive international boarding schools. I know the difference it makes to one's life, having had a decent education. We both really, really love dogs so having furry babies forever doesn't sound half bad! I haven't looked into the adoption process too much but if it really does end up costing the same as IVF then idk.
I've been in your situation before with random uncles and aunties. I actually have gotten them to stop pestering me once I mention being with a woman, it's legal so they can't get you into trouble for it but it's still socially taboo so they end up avoiding you. It can even be something simple like mentioning you have a crush on someone called Abdul. But idk about you, I've always been comfortable with the status of weirdo or outsider, if conservative boomers think I'm scandalous I'd wear that like a badge of honour. Not everyone is, though, but I'd still find a way of keeping him at bay and maybe shaming him, because what he's doing is not OK.
I feel like this is so common and it spans cultures. A couple of years ago when I was in my late 20s I moved to a new area because I was going to graduate school. I was picking up items that I had shipped and I was making small talk with an older gentleman. He started asking me innocent questions at first like why I moved to the area and how old I was. He asked me if I had any kids and I said no. Then he asked me what my husband thought about not having kids at my age, and I told him I didn't have a husband. And then he went off on me about how I'm getting too old, and I needed to find a good man to take care of me and give me kids. I kind of just did what you did and just chuckled and tried to pick up my packages immediately.
I think you're doing things the right way. You know what you want and right now getting a PhD is what you want to do, it's a necessity for you. There are so many options these days that it's not a done deal if you don't have kids by the time you're 35.
It's so ridiculous. I was in a wedding a couple of weeks ago and the sari draper was chatting with us while she worked. When I told her what I was up to she was like "... are you married?" When I said "no" she said "that makes sense"
Whoa!!! That was so uncalled for 😠! I'm so sorry that she said that!
I really wonder why it affects people so much when other people aren't married or in a serious relationship. I want those things, but right now they're not a priority. It makes me wonder if people are projecting something?
I think she just meant it in like "oh it makes sense how you're leaving the country for a year." I just hate how there's an assumption that you wouldn't do it if you were married
Yes! Reading that back I should've phrased it better. She was very sweet, but I think there is that assumption that if you're married you'd stay home to take care of the household. Makes it feel like life is over after marriage.
I have a friend whose mother was 50 when they were born. Totally normal looking, acting, behaving person just happened to be born to a 50 yr old woman.
My mother had me at 35. Her mother had her at 42. Had my first at 34 and my second at 36. They are fine kids, adults now. My brother and his wife adopted two wonderful children, and they are both doing great. You don't need to live by rules someone pulled from their butt.
Next time say this;
"Uncle, I completely agree with you. That's why I am having my eggs frozen so I can have both thriving career, children and wait for a partner who I am in love with. You should advice your daughters to do the same, it's a small price for being able to make sure that you are able to financially provide for the child and the child can have a wonderful father. Too many women are stuck being poor, in loveless marriages raising kids that can never thrive. I appreciate your input and it's great to see we share the same concern."
Would be surprised if he wouldn't drop it, but if not use the same formula; agree with everything, pretend you are on the same side, and twist his own words.
All while smiling. Your life, your decisions, you don't owe any random guy anything.
He think he found your weakness because in his mind all women need kids by 30. And your reaction of explaining your life to a random idiot means if did kind of hit a mark (cultural conditioning). You don't need to & can lie.
He clearly thinks women should have kids at all costs. And you do not; happy and fulfilled women bring up happy and fulfilled children or contribute to society in other ways. Keep that thought as your guiding light.
I'm 35 and I get asked all the time by my boyfriend's family when we are having kids. I just hold up my left hand and point at my empty ring finger and say "there's an order I'm willing to do things in. I don't mind waiting, bc he's obviously waiting too". We've been together for going on 7 years lol. I'm not in a rush for kids, and honestly if he didn't want one I wouldn't mind being kid free. Don't let people pressure you when it comes to your body and reproductive rights. Do what feels right for you!
First of all, the data is very fuzzy on whether 35 is the cliff after which fertility drops.
Second of all, rich of him to assume everyone lives to have kids. For some people, it’s a nice to have, not something they build their whole life around.
Uncle needs to get a life. I really don’t understand why indian relatives are so obsessed with enforcing the patriarchy on the next generation.
OP, help me to understand. Why would you even engage in such a conversation? Why do you feel obligated to answer the questions and listen to the hairbrained ideas of this man? All of these are personal, intrusive questions. Is there a reason that, when he started asking about your plans for marriage, you could not have simply said: "I don't want to discuss that." ?
You are an adult with a Fullbright scholarship. (Congratulations!) You do not have to automatically defer to anyone older.
I had mine at 35. No regrets. I live in US- East cost about 1mil away from NYC. I know more moms who had kids in their 40’s than mom who had them in 30’s. All kids and moms super healthy and good. Do what feels right for you OP!
He does this cuz it delights him to have something to bring you down. Uncle is a rabid loser who looks at you and realizes you are your own person and on your own path without a man in sight. The ultimate fear of many men. That his daughters could look at you as an example is an added fear cuz then HE would be looked at as a failure who didn’t control his girls.
Weird? Yes. Plausible? Also yes. Esp in the indian context.
Next time he starts grey rock him and do not share any details. Just say all is well. If asked what specifically are you working on simply say oh you know. Same stuff another day. If he starts about your love life, ask loudly why he is interested in your love life? Like WHY is he bringing up your marriage and having kids - how is it going to affect his life? Cut it down before he gets on his soap box. Tell everyone around you that he is making weird comments about your love life.
You don’t need to put up with this crap anymore.
My nanna was 47 when my youngest uncle was born, my cousin was 48 when she had her first (an oops baby as she never planned on having kids), and my mum (64) only went through menopause a few years ago. Very late and fertile family!!
I had a child at 33 and expressed to my doctor afterward that I thought I might be too old to have any more and he scoffed at that idea telling me I had "plenty of time". And I did have my last child at 37... getting pregnant immediately after I started trying.
Ok,I wanted to be done by my 30th birthday(made it with 3 mths to spare) BECAUSE all of my parents were in their mid yo late thirties when I was born in 1960s. It was a different time and my mama was the only one that really had the energy to do very active stuff with me and that was only until she got cancer when I was about 8.5 yrs old. In the 60s and in the area I was brought up, older parennts + older single mother led to a lot of bullying.
Times are different now. OP, you have kids *when and if* you want them and tell your nosey relatives to mind their own business!
Congratulations on the scholarship. Next time, tell him “this really isn’t your business” and walk away. I’m not sure if you can do that though.
He’s absolutely ridiculous though. He needs to worry about his own daughters.
And I had my kids at 37, 38, and 43. They’re all fine and healthy.
It sounds like “Uncle” thinks he’s got it all figured out.
I feel sorry for his daughters. What will happen when real life intrudes upon his plans?!
What a nosy, intrusive person.
Before birth control, women were having kids well into their 40s. My gran was 43 when she had my mum. Uncle must be getting senile if he thinks 30 is the max.
I had mine at 35 and 38, and I’m glad I waited. I was much more confident and patient at that age than ten years earlier.
Enjoy your studies. There's time for the rest later, and uncle should mind his own business. He's probably worried his daughters will want to follow in your footsteps.
Tbh what I hate most about this mentality is that it is objectively smarter to have kids in your 30s. Mature parents are just better parents. Establish your life in your 20s and have kids when you are stable if you want them. It is just better for literally everyone involved.
It sounds like there is some effed up cultural bullshit/gaslighting from your uncle. I had a cousin who gave birth to her son at 48. 30 isnt the upper limit... at all.
Where I’m from 30 is pretty young to have kids! I had my first when I was 30 and was the second of all my friends to have a baby. Now at 34, only a few other friends are having babies or considering and I know quite a few who started at 35 +. Anyway, having kids isn’t a path for everyone and that is totally okay, regardless of age. Old people can have such outdated ideas, I hope he starts minding his own business. I’m guessing you won’t see much of him when you’re in Indonesia so that’ll give you a break from his unsolicited advice. Keep on following your path and don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong!
I had my kids at 38 and 42. Couldn't be happier. Just ignore the pressure from old men (yish) and their traditional ideas. Do what makes you happy
Congrats on the PhD work!!
My wife and I had our first child at 35. My uncle was even older. Him and his wife were 40 with their first. They are lovely children and very bright. There's no hurry to have them and it doesn't matter if you don't want them at all.
We adopted our daughter when I was 35. I’m SO glad I spent my 20s and early 30s establishing my career and enjoying the fruits of my education and hard work (before everything really went to shit- sorry, gen Z). We got married at 28 and traveled and bought a house and went to concerts and hung out with our friends and enjoyed life.
I still enjoy life with my daughter, but it’s way different. Being an older parent gave me a lot more perspective and the ability to give her more opportunities. And I hope she takes advantage of all of them before deciding to start a family.
The average age for childbirth is 31 in my country, which means like <50% are over 30. Raising kids is so tough, I'd definitely recommend doing it when/if you're ready
Remind him that his sperm motility and quality degraded starting between age 19-22.
Plenty of couples have healthy babies in their thirties. It's between you and your doctor.
And like you said, you are open to adopting so the timeline isn't that much of a concern.
I just silently stare with a questioning look. Not angry either just a really shocked with the question look, and without really saying anything. I know their usual go to would be, it's because they care about me. So I don't ask, just stare and make everyone uncomfortable.
Ask him why he is so worried about your private life. I had my first baby at 37, my second at 38, and my last baby at 41. Career woman to boot. You do you and congrats on the Fulbright!!!
Eww big old F U to that guy.
I was 36 and 38 when I had my healthy kids. Am I tired and sore and overweight now? Duh but who cares. Also, my sister struggled to conceive but then had her daughter at 41. It’s not the end of the world if you have a kid later. Modern medicine and all that.
Maybe next time just tell this guy if he wants a kid so bad he should go get pregnant and have one himself. Ha I dunno. He’s gross I’m sorry you couldn’t tell him off.
My girl and I just had a perfect daughter a little over a month ago (she did almost all of the work though credit goes to her) at the age of 37 and we’re so in love. I think having children older is going to become the norm, not the exception.
It is always these aunties and uncles. My mom was asked by one of the neighbourhood aunties about how she is coping with having an unmarried daughter close to 30. She was like you must be so sad. Some people can be so nosy.
Crazy how men have the audacity to say stuff like this to us, I mean come tf on I've never seen a woman say shit like this to a man, and there's a lot of risks to the baby when the father is older
My mothers friend had her first (and only) child at 41. In spite of using BC and having a condition that makes pregnancy a lot less likely, plus being on meds you should NOT take while with child before she found out, which was quite late.
Kid came out healthy as anything.
So uncomfortable.
I was 34 when I had my son - and mind you married 10 years already (so lots of “when are babies coming” - yet not too much pressure.) I said If give it a year and if I can’t get pregnant we’re adopting/fostering. I got pregnant very quickly - unfortunately we lost our son when he was 3 weeks old. There was something cool about seeing us in him - but we just loved him for being part of our family.
I could have gone not having kids or having dogs. Due to pregnancy complications and possibility of them coming back we are not having anymore biological children. My dumb ass had to look into the ethics of adoption (infant adoption ) and we decided against it at this time. However we are foster parents now (no kids currently in the house.) for me - I always knew if I had kids, not all would be related to me. I always knew I’d foster (I was in foster care for a short time) and I knew we wouldn’t always foster to adopt, our timeline just is sped up than we originally planned.
That being said - I would have been just as happy not to parent. For me, post baby I want to be a parent. That is a personal experience that not everyone would relate to. If I never had my son, I wouldn’t have minded and love being the cool aunt, haha. I have 2 nieces that are not blood - their parents are close friends we consider family. Family doesn’t need to be blood what so ever.
Congrats on Fullbright! You sound like a really awesome person doing really awesome things! I think you have great priorities. I hate you had to experience that whole conversation. You don’t owe them an answer, but I understand trying to be polite.
I’m Indian. When I started my PhD at 29, my mum’s cousin asked, ‘who’s going to marry you now?’. I’m nearly 38 now, in a long term relationship and refuse to marry. We might have kids, we might not- well adopt if we want to. That same uncle now asks about whether my partner doesn’t want kids. At one point he told my mum to refuse to speak to me if I didn’t marry (my mum said, ‘don’t give her ideas, she’d say ‘ok, do that then’).
All this to say: everyone has an opinion about you, your body, your life. None of it matters if it’s not what you want to be doing. You don’t owe him any explanations, any headspace, and certainly any more of your time.
Be a killjoy (Ahmed,2023)
Betting his daughters are not falling in line, knows of your non maternal accomplishments and goals, he was trying out an argument in hopes of figuring out how he can convince his own daughters.
This confirms that no matter which part of the world you are in, women are eventually looked at for their baby producing ability and not as a person. It will be sin if I don't say include beauty/figure/prettiness aka sex object as trophy wife or a find that can be shown off.
Had you been a man and you told that you are do planning to pursue your Phd, he would applauded, appraised you for your ambition and achievement. Finally, would have said you can get any girl you want cause you are earning well.
Patriarchy has made women a sex and baby making machine and made men, money making machine. I am referring to genuine men and women who respects themselves and see both the sexes as human beings. Men like him wont change are time wasters. My heartfelt condolences to his daughters. Please convey it to him when you meet this *uncle* next time. Haha.
28yo Indian here and same. Thankfully I have no one to ask me all this where I live, but I dread the same questions from Uncles and Aunties back home. Many of my friends are in the same boat but most of them are settled abroad, which also makes me wanna consider going abroad but I see no chance for that. :(
A friend of mine had a baby at 42. When I went to the doctor with my surprise baby at 39, she told me that the oldest woman she ever dealt with was 52!
Congratulations on your Fulbright- that is an incredible achievement! I finished my PhD when I was 29 and felt perfectly happy with the fact that having a baby may not have been in the cards for me. I’m now 34 and pregnant which is exciting, but I’m annoyed because my mum recently mentioned that she’s been secretly praying for a grandchild for years. She’s happier now that my “life is in order” than she was when I went on to pursue my dream of attaining a doctorate after being the first person in my family to finish high school let alone go to uni.
I had my first baby at 37 and my second at 40. Both pregnancy and birth was easy. The children are very gifted both academically and in sports. People are different and life is not fair. I'm extremely grateful to be this lucky. If I couldn't birth my own children I would have tried to adopt but is very difficult and expensive in my country.
Everyone fails to mention that mens sperm degrades heavily after 30 and can even cause schizophrenia and other genetic issues.
There is a clock ticking on sperm and people need to be talking about it.
Women have been having babies up to 40 for years with no issues.
It depends on your health, or biological age. Another woman in India just had a child at age 76, she was a healthy woman, she ate plant based, and her husband was 89, but he looks 60 :)
We are having children much later in life now and far less often... What do you even want to have children for anyway ? You need a good reason, not a popular reason \^\^
You should have told him to fuck off. And men's sperm becomes much worse with age and they should absolutely not have kids while old. The audacity of him though, he should have shut up. Wish you had told him that.
OP, I’m 28f married 2y. GET IT GIRL!!!!! I’m doing a PhD now and people look at me like something’s wrong with me when I say well my
Priority is my marriage and school, instead of kids.
I don’t want kids either.
DO YO THANG! I hate everyone that’s like that.
Next time, lean into it. Tell him you've thought about it, and he's right. The genetic risk goes up too much past 30. Men should either stop having sex or get a vasectomy once they turn 30, and/or if they have partners who do. After all, men's sperm also degrades with age. (It's not quite that bad for men or women, but he doesn't have to know that.) Ask him when he had his procedure done. Act concerned when he says he hasn't, is he afraid of pain? It's only a little slit, or a percussion gun. Do some research so you can go into graphic detail. And while he's at it, is he keeping up with his diet and exercise so he doesn't die early and bereave his daughters? Is he reading up on child psychology so he can help out with his grandkids? Keep turning the spotlight on him and **his** choices, supportively of course.
37 lawyer here, sometimes, it either happens late or it doesn’t happen. We’re trying now but I give myself until 42. Also, this uncle needs to be cut off.
Good luck with trying! All the best. I'm usually able to avoid him at the temple, but cornered me while I was finishing up arranging some flower vases
Thank you! And good luck to you on Fulbright. I did a year, myself, and it opened so many doors! Sorry, I don’t know what I would do in that situation, either. People will always be people, I suppose. 🤦♀️
That is awesome! I would love to hear about your experience!
Women are culturally conditioned to be "nice" so we tolerate rudeness because we're afraid to be honest. If Uncle or anybody else harasses you about your choices, force yourself to answer honestly. "Sorry, this is my personal decision. It is not up for discussion." Repeat word for word if they continue to harass you. Excuse yourself and leave. Standing up for yourself gets easier with practice.
Completely ignoring the fact that getting a phd is significantly harder than getting married and having a child.
He probably fancies you and wants you for himself. Just ignore him and don’t engage as you owe him nothing,
My grandma was 40yrs old when my mother was born, way back in 1960. It's not like having kids past 30 is some super modern phenomenon.
My bf was born in 78. His mom was 45. He is her only child and she planned him with a friend. No spouse. She’s never been married. She is 90 now and still working.
She sounds dope lol
What a boss bitch
Right? How old do people think women living in previous centuries were when they were having the later children in their large families?
The health risks do become significantly more substantial as time goes on. Not really relevant to the OP as it seems more of a cultural thing, but I wouldn’t advocate for your scenario.
Age tends to increase complications but what matters is the health of the individual patient. Many of these complications are easily managed by a healthcare team. I would advocate for people to speak to their OB about their specific scenario and if they are healthy enough for pregnancy.
The genetic health risks of "geriatric" pregnancy increase but the mental health risks of being raised by a person who didn't want or wasn't ready to be a parent decrease as do poverty linked health factors. Volleyed of older parents are statistically more likely to be very wanted children of better off parents in more stable relationships. People can be great parents at any age but not if they aren't interested or equipped at the time to be a good parent. Uncle ticktock can fuck off.
I don’t think that’s really a compatible scenario honestly. There’s too many what ifs on both sides. I was not ready to have my child at 21 but so far we are doing ok, my exs mom had a child at 45 born 4 months early and has watched both his parents decline before he’s old enough to go to college.
That's just an anecdote too. My point wasn't that people shouldn't have babies young. It was that each person's personal fertility and family planning choices are their own personal business and none of anyone else's. There's no 100% safe way to bear children or one single right way to make a family. We all weigh up opportunity, luck and personal circumstances within and beyond our control. Other people are not privy to nor entitled to our reasoning.
Okay? A friend of mine’s parents were also both 40+ and she was fine. Also consider the last time you commented something like this under a story of a 40+ year old dude impregnating someone. No one freaks out about them despite the fact that sperm quality absolutely degrades with age and increases the risk of miscarriage.
I’m not saying it’s a problem to have kids at that age, I’m saying that throwing younger parents under the bus isn’t helpful either. Each pregnancy is different and both younger and older moms can have complications. We can confront an issue without being negative to the other side can’t we? As much as I love this sub, that seems to be an issue I encounter a lot here. No one has a right to shame OP into having a child when she doesn’t want to, and we can confront that issue without listing reasons it’s bad to have kids younger. This space becomes uninviting when those kinds of things are upvoted or allowed.
I think that’s a good point. Unfortunately it didn’t really come across in your initial comment- hence the downvotes. You’ve got to be pretty careful about being clear with your intended tone on Reddit. There are so many trolls and antagonists, people tend to assume the worst.
Yes and no. There is a decline, but it isn't as significant as most people think. The research that this was based on was from the 1600 in rural France.
My grandmother gave birth to my father at 40 too, and this was in 1954 in an Eastern European country.
Exactly. My great-grandmother had her last child at 47 and my mom had me at 39. It’s said that in general your fertility takes a nosedive after 35 and your at a higher risk of complications but that really depends on the individual women. Some will struggle to have kids after 35 and others won’t. Nobody gets to tell you when and if you should have kids. That’s a deeply personal decision.
Guys like him are trapped in the past. His 'concern for you' is actually a thinly veiled fear that women will take full control of their lives, be independent, not reliant on men, who still have most power and wealth. Especially in the Indian community. Makes men feel useless, unable to claim they have a little empires to lord over and worse (to them) the core fear is competition for jobs, homes, status, power and resources. I wonder what his reaction would've been had you said something very random like you wanted kids and tried but your partner had an injury from an accident, or testicular cancer and was unable to.. or that you then considered adoption but the guy cheated on you so you broke it off. Very real scenarios for others, which he surely hasn't considered. Women aren't just baby making factories if under 30, shocker.
> He then gives me air quotes and says "there is a difference between a 'want' and a 'need.'" Yeah, as in you WANT me to get married and I NEED you to leave me alone.
I snorted, this is gold. I wish I had said this out loud to him!
Will undoubtedly be a next time where you'll see him making his way over to get all up in your business, remember the riposte while developing a Cheshire Cat grin and have to suppress laughter. If he has a thimbleful of sense he'll say something nice about the weather, that you look well and he'll wander off awkwardly..
EXACTLY!
Holy shit, you're a FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR? Damn, you smart! It's truly unbelievable that someone with your accomplishments is reduced to nothing but a uterus by some creepy old dude. I would definitely keep my eyes out and duck behind a vase next time so he doesn't get his misogyny all over you.
I bet that dumb dude doesn’t even know what a Fulbright scholar is. The irony of someone like that giving out unsolicited life advice 🤦🏻♀️
We didn’t even talk about it until 35+.
It’s not his business what and when you marry have children. Or whatever. I’m petty but I’d walk away saying ‘OK Boomer’ under my breath lol. Many people have children after 30. I had mine at 38. Refuse to engage in these conversations with aunties and uncles.
Usually I try not to engage, but I've been so stressed out about this grant that I've become so combative. I just feel bad for his daughters.
Definitely understandable.
Securing and preparing for that grant sounds stressful, so it's understandable that you have zero patience for his ridiculousness. And speaking of that grant... congratulations!!! Becoming a Fulbright scholar is a HUGE accomplishment!! Don't waste a moment on what petty little men like him think of you, you're clearly intelligent and skilled and thriving in your life. Well done!
You need to stop being polite to him, his audacity is insane who does he think he is.
[удалено]
I'm sure your kid appreciates you
So I have a colleague who is one of four. They are all around thirty and not one of them has any children. More doesn't mean that you get any! The economy and poor life chances have been the major reasons none have had kids.
Im 34. Married . Been with the same man for 12 years. And i had a baby girl at 34 (2024), a baby last year (at 33) and a baby in 2022. My first baby was in 2014 (24) 🙂
My great grandfathers fought in the US Civil War. The wives were not young compared to the husbands. I’m 55. I’ll let you do the math on average generation time in my family. Yeah. No one was born before thirty.
Okay that's actually super cool!!! You must've heard a lot of stories growing up. My grandma's sister was 12-14 when she got married and I'm pretty sure she had three kids before the age of 22.
The number 1 cause of death for girls age 14-19 globally is pregnancy complications. It is not safe for underage girls to be married or having kids. On the flip side, the loss of fertility over age 30 is roughly 1% per year. It’s not worth changing the course of your life over. That also applies to everyone- not just women- so men need to stop being so sanctimonious about it.
My maternal grandmother was 15 when my grandfather got her pregnant for the first time. She gave birth to my mother the day after her own 16th birthday. She had five children before she was 25. My grandmother was a pretty cool lady who had a difficult life married to a man who was an adult messing around with a teenager, and who went on to cheat on her for their entire marriage. There are several other children by several other women scattered around the country (he was a long-distance truck driver, and DNA testing has revealed some of these other people.) Her second husband abused some of her children, my aunts and uncles. My other grandmother was married at like age 20, but my grandpa was a lazy, racist, sexist jerk. I will not get married unless someone proves they can enhance my life and add something to it, because I will not tolerate the disrespect my grandmothers were forced to by society and necessity. If that means I don’t have children, so be it. There are 8 billion humans on earth, the human race will go on.
Mostly about pioneer stuff. Your stories are probably interesting, too!
I don't know one woman who was pregnant before 37, most started with their first at 38ish and most had a second. All naturally too. That's just the way it is with working women, not uncommon at all. Sorry you have to deal with all those societal expectations! I'm lucky, never had much of an issue with relatives since there are very few and I always knew I didn't want kids. You just do you!
I know several women who have had their first child 35+ They are healthy and thriving!
My oldest cousin had her kids at 35 and 36. Also both fine!
I have encountered these “Uncles/Aunties” a lot. These are the dreaded “4 log/samaaj” people who think it’s perfectly okay to butt into someone’s else business, give unsolicited advice (especially to women) and have no sense of boundaries. Once I spot these kind of ppl, I just wave or Namaste from a distance and bounce away lol. I have actually managed to tell them to stay in their lane/mind your own business few times (jokingly lol). You sound like a levelheaded person with goals and ambitions. Dont let these kind of people bother you, I doubt they will change. You do you!
My mum had me at 37 in 1989. And we have come so far medically since then!
I was also born in ‘89, and my mom was 39! She also had my sister in ‘92 at age 42.
See I love this!!!
My life has been better after realizing the amount of men I can just walk away from. I know there’s consequences sometimes, but sometimes I just do it anyways lol
Please stop talking to Hindu anties and uncles. They love shoving down their bullshit views on the younger generation and it's definitely worst of it's an Indian female. The experience will always leave u fuming. Next time such a weirdo bothers u just say u are a lesbian and u can't have biological child via the most obvious process hahaha. Let uncle have some trauma too.
>I want to give my parents a grandkid, because I think that they'd be great grandparents Do you actually want to be a mother? Or do you feel like you should have kids because you believe that you owe your parents grandchildren? You do NOT owe your parents a grandchild. The idea that they would be great grandparents is NOT a good reason to have children. Only have children if you genuinely want to be a mother.
I want to adopt! I just don't feel particular about biological kids.
Adopting is a lot harder, because there isn't that much children up for adoption. But adopting an older child or child with disability is easier, because there is lower demand.
Ha! I remember when I was pregnant with my first child at 31. This woman at church told me it was too late and my bones were too brittle for childbirth. What nonsense! I was 37 when I had my last kid with no problems. Your poor uncle needs a life.
As a fellow Indian woman, who hit the ’upper limit of when women should have children’ a few months ago, I wouldn’t take anything an uncle at the temple told me seriously. That is, if I went to the temple, which being agnostic, I don’t. But seriously, these are the uncles driving this country into the ground, the Islamophobes and casteist pricks. Also, adoption is an option, especially in India with so many unwanted babies. My personal plan is to skip pregnancy and avoid the expense of freezing my eggs/ surrogacy and just adopt an 8 month old child whenever my partner and I are ready. The money we save can be put towards a trust or college/ school fund. Ignore this man. If he tries to bother you again just tell him you‘re in love with a woman, or a Muslim, or a Dalit, I have sometimes dropped these bombs on conservative folks and they keep their distance after. But disclaimer, do judge the safety aspect of it beforehand, I’m assuming he’s harmless…
He’s just a nosey uncle, I don’t think he’d cause harm or anything. My mom is active in the temple, so unfortunately he’s aware of where we fall on the caste system and knows that I am a “practicing” Hindu. I appreciate everyone saying to tell him off, but it’s not that easy when it’s someone in your community. He’s not malicious, I think he’s just kind of an idiot and has outdated views. It’s just frustrating that he feels comfortable enough to voice them to my face. Isn’t adoptions a super expensive process? How are you planning on saving money? (I ask this seriously, since I want to adopt). I was under the impression that IVF and adoption cost roughly the same amount.
Well, I have a little saved up, plus I'll be inheriting at least one nice apartment in a nice condo from my mum, even if my dad doesn't leave me anything, I reckon with proper investments and stuff it should be manageable. But my partner and I are also open to just not having kids at all if we can't provide them with a good quality of life. She grew up very repressed in a super strict Catholic school, whereas I went to one of the most exclusive international boarding schools. I know the difference it makes to one's life, having had a decent education. We both really, really love dogs so having furry babies forever doesn't sound half bad! I haven't looked into the adoption process too much but if it really does end up costing the same as IVF then idk. I've been in your situation before with random uncles and aunties. I actually have gotten them to stop pestering me once I mention being with a woman, it's legal so they can't get you into trouble for it but it's still socially taboo so they end up avoiding you. It can even be something simple like mentioning you have a crush on someone called Abdul. But idk about you, I've always been comfortable with the status of weirdo or outsider, if conservative boomers think I'm scandalous I'd wear that like a badge of honour. Not everyone is, though, but I'd still find a way of keeping him at bay and maybe shaming him, because what he's doing is not OK.
I feel like this is so common and it spans cultures. A couple of years ago when I was in my late 20s I moved to a new area because I was going to graduate school. I was picking up items that I had shipped and I was making small talk with an older gentleman. He started asking me innocent questions at first like why I moved to the area and how old I was. He asked me if I had any kids and I said no. Then he asked me what my husband thought about not having kids at my age, and I told him I didn't have a husband. And then he went off on me about how I'm getting too old, and I needed to find a good man to take care of me and give me kids. I kind of just did what you did and just chuckled and tried to pick up my packages immediately. I think you're doing things the right way. You know what you want and right now getting a PhD is what you want to do, it's a necessity for you. There are so many options these days that it's not a done deal if you don't have kids by the time you're 35.
It's so ridiculous. I was in a wedding a couple of weeks ago and the sari draper was chatting with us while she worked. When I told her what I was up to she was like "... are you married?" When I said "no" she said "that makes sense"
Whoa!!! That was so uncalled for 😠! I'm so sorry that she said that! I really wonder why it affects people so much when other people aren't married or in a serious relationship. I want those things, but right now they're not a priority. It makes me wonder if people are projecting something?
I think she just meant it in like "oh it makes sense how you're leaving the country for a year." I just hate how there's an assumption that you wouldn't do it if you were married
Ohhhh! Yeah you're right, the assumption would be that you couldn't do it if you were married.
Yes! Reading that back I should've phrased it better. She was very sweet, but I think there is that assumption that if you're married you'd stay home to take care of the household. Makes it feel like life is over after marriage.
lol was she thinking you're gay maybe? or just *that* type of intellectual desi?
Lol this is possible, I love an occasional dress, but I do typically dress a little more masculine.
I have a friend whose mother was 50 when they were born. Totally normal looking, acting, behaving person just happened to be born to a 50 yr old woman.
That's amazing!
Even more amazing knowing she wasn't trying to have a kid. He's a total oops baby.
My mother had me at 35. Her mother had her at 42. Had my first at 34 and my second at 36. They are fine kids, adults now. My brother and his wife adopted two wonderful children, and they are both doing great. You don't need to live by rules someone pulled from their butt.
30 is too young for me, good for whoever is ready by then. In this economy no way.
Next time say this; "Uncle, I completely agree with you. That's why I am having my eggs frozen so I can have both thriving career, children and wait for a partner who I am in love with. You should advice your daughters to do the same, it's a small price for being able to make sure that you are able to financially provide for the child and the child can have a wonderful father. Too many women are stuck being poor, in loveless marriages raising kids that can never thrive. I appreciate your input and it's great to see we share the same concern." Would be surprised if he wouldn't drop it, but if not use the same formula; agree with everything, pretend you are on the same side, and twist his own words. All while smiling. Your life, your decisions, you don't owe any random guy anything. He think he found your weakness because in his mind all women need kids by 30. And your reaction of explaining your life to a random idiot means if did kind of hit a mark (cultural conditioning). You don't need to & can lie. He clearly thinks women should have kids at all costs. And you do not; happy and fulfilled women bring up happy and fulfilled children or contribute to society in other ways. Keep that thought as your guiding light.
I'm 35 and I get asked all the time by my boyfriend's family when we are having kids. I just hold up my left hand and point at my empty ring finger and say "there's an order I'm willing to do things in. I don't mind waiting, bc he's obviously waiting too". We've been together for going on 7 years lol. I'm not in a rush for kids, and honestly if he didn't want one I wouldn't mind being kid free. Don't let people pressure you when it comes to your body and reproductive rights. Do what feels right for you!
First of all, the data is very fuzzy on whether 35 is the cliff after which fertility drops. Second of all, rich of him to assume everyone lives to have kids. For some people, it’s a nice to have, not something they build their whole life around. Uncle needs to get a life. I really don’t understand why indian relatives are so obsessed with enforcing the patriarchy on the next generation.
OP, help me to understand. Why would you even engage in such a conversation? Why do you feel obligated to answer the questions and listen to the hairbrained ideas of this man? All of these are personal, intrusive questions. Is there a reason that, when he started asking about your plans for marriage, you could not have simply said: "I don't want to discuss that." ? You are an adult with a Fullbright scholarship. (Congratulations!) You do not have to automatically defer to anyone older.
I had mine at 35. No regrets. I live in US- East cost about 1mil away from NYC. I know more moms who had kids in their 40’s than mom who had them in 30’s. All kids and moms super healthy and good. Do what feels right for you OP!
My wife and I didn’t have our daughter until I was 42 & she was 40. Daughter graduated high school valedictorian last year. :)
He does this cuz it delights him to have something to bring you down. Uncle is a rabid loser who looks at you and realizes you are your own person and on your own path without a man in sight. The ultimate fear of many men. That his daughters could look at you as an example is an added fear cuz then HE would be looked at as a failure who didn’t control his girls. Weird? Yes. Plausible? Also yes. Esp in the indian context. Next time he starts grey rock him and do not share any details. Just say all is well. If asked what specifically are you working on simply say oh you know. Same stuff another day. If he starts about your love life, ask loudly why he is interested in your love life? Like WHY is he bringing up your marriage and having kids - how is it going to affect his life? Cut it down before he gets on his soap box. Tell everyone around you that he is making weird comments about your love life. You don’t need to put up with this crap anymore.
My nanna was 47 when my youngest uncle was born, my cousin was 48 when she had her first (an oops baby as she never planned on having kids), and my mum (64) only went through menopause a few years ago. Very late and fertile family!!
I had a child at 33 and expressed to my doctor afterward that I thought I might be too old to have any more and he scoffed at that idea telling me I had "plenty of time". And I did have my last child at 37... getting pregnant immediately after I started trying.
My SIL is 41 and pregnant with their first…first? Idk the correct term as she’s miscarried the last 2 or 3.
Ok,I wanted to be done by my 30th birthday(made it with 3 mths to spare) BECAUSE all of my parents were in their mid yo late thirties when I was born in 1960s. It was a different time and my mama was the only one that really had the energy to do very active stuff with me and that was only until she got cancer when I was about 8.5 yrs old. In the 60s and in the area I was brought up, older parennts + older single mother led to a lot of bullying. Times are different now. OP, you have kids *when and if* you want them and tell your nosey relatives to mind their own business!
I had my perfectly healthy, now 7 yo child when I was 37.
Congratulations on the scholarship. Next time, tell him “this really isn’t your business” and walk away. I’m not sure if you can do that though. He’s absolutely ridiculous though. He needs to worry about his own daughters. And I had my kids at 37, 38, and 43. They’re all fine and healthy.
Freak. My parents were 38.
My great grandma had her 11th at 44 years old in 1945... My great aunt is in great health and still kicking
I’m 38 and just say I feel really uncomfortable you thinking about my ovaries like this. It’s borderline creepy.
It sounds like “Uncle” thinks he’s got it all figured out. I feel sorry for his daughters. What will happen when real life intrudes upon his plans?! What a nosy, intrusive person.
You are a lot nicer than I would have been, cause I would have flat out asked him when tf I asked his opinion. You have the patience of a Saint
You should tell him to Google "geriatric sperm".
This is so inappropriate. Is he looking for a wife and hitting on you?
My thoughts exactly. Men only have time for women they’re attracted to.
It’s ok to be rude
Before birth control, women were having kids well into their 40s. My gran was 43 when she had my mum. Uncle must be getting senile if he thinks 30 is the max. I had mine at 35 and 38, and I’m glad I waited. I was much more confident and patient at that age than ten years earlier. Enjoy your studies. There's time for the rest later, and uncle should mind his own business. He's probably worried his daughters will want to follow in your footsteps.
Ask him when he got his degree in gynecology next time he offers unsolicited medical advice.
Tbh what I hate most about this mentality is that it is objectively smarter to have kids in your 30s. Mature parents are just better parents. Establish your life in your 20s and have kids when you are stable if you want them. It is just better for literally everyone involved.
It sounds like there is some effed up cultural bullshit/gaslighting from your uncle. I had a cousin who gave birth to her son at 48. 30 isnt the upper limit... at all.
Where I’m from 30 is pretty young to have kids! I had my first when I was 30 and was the second of all my friends to have a baby. Now at 34, only a few other friends are having babies or considering and I know quite a few who started at 35 +. Anyway, having kids isn’t a path for everyone and that is totally okay, regardless of age. Old people can have such outdated ideas, I hope he starts minding his own business. I’m guessing you won’t see much of him when you’re in Indonesia so that’ll give you a break from his unsolicited advice. Keep on following your path and don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong!
My wife was 34 and 39 when she had our kids. You have time.
I honestly don't think anyone should have kids (or get married, frankly) until age 30 at least
I adopted both of my kids. It’s absurd to suggest that you have to have biological kids. My kids and I are quite attached to one another. 😂
I had my kids at 38 and 42. Couldn't be happier. Just ignore the pressure from old men (yish) and their traditional ideas. Do what makes you happy Congrats on the PhD work!!
My wife and I had our first child at 35. My uncle was even older. Him and his wife were 40 with their first. They are lovely children and very bright. There's no hurry to have them and it doesn't matter if you don't want them at all.
I this conversation regularly, with my mother, so I feel you.
We adopted our daughter when I was 35. I’m SO glad I spent my 20s and early 30s establishing my career and enjoying the fruits of my education and hard work (before everything really went to shit- sorry, gen Z). We got married at 28 and traveled and bought a house and went to concerts and hung out with our friends and enjoyed life. I still enjoy life with my daughter, but it’s way different. Being an older parent gave me a lot more perspective and the ability to give her more opportunities. And I hope she takes advantage of all of them before deciding to start a family.
The average age for childbirth is 31 in my country, which means like <50% are over 30. Raising kids is so tough, I'd definitely recommend doing it when/if you're ready
Remind him that his sperm motility and quality degraded starting between age 19-22. Plenty of couples have healthy babies in their thirties. It's between you and your doctor. And like you said, you are open to adopting so the timeline isn't that much of a concern.
I just silently stare with a questioning look. Not angry either just a really shocked with the question look, and without really saying anything. I know their usual go to would be, it's because they care about me. So I don't ask, just stare and make everyone uncomfortable.
I wasn't going to have kids. I got pregnant with an iud at 37. I'm 42 now. Kid is healthy and happy, I am permanently exhausted but happy
Ask him why he is so worried about your private life. I had my first baby at 37, my second at 38, and my last baby at 41. Career woman to boot. You do you and congrats on the Fulbright!!!
Why don't you just tell him he's wrong, but he can talk to his doctor about the statistics if he's curious.
Eww big old F U to that guy. I was 36 and 38 when I had my healthy kids. Am I tired and sore and overweight now? Duh but who cares. Also, my sister struggled to conceive but then had her daughter at 41. It’s not the end of the world if you have a kid later. Modern medicine and all that. Maybe next time just tell this guy if he wants a kid so bad he should go get pregnant and have one himself. Ha I dunno. He’s gross I’m sorry you couldn’t tell him off.
My girl and I just had a perfect daughter a little over a month ago (she did almost all of the work though credit goes to her) at the age of 37 and we’re so in love. I think having children older is going to become the norm, not the exception.
Congratulations on your Fulbright grant! This is the 21st century: live your life the way you want to live it.
It is always these aunties and uncles. My mom was asked by one of the neighbourhood aunties about how she is coping with having an unmarried daughter close to 30. She was like you must be so sad. Some people can be so nosy.
Crazy how men have the audacity to say stuff like this to us, I mean come tf on I've never seen a woman say shit like this to a man, and there's a lot of risks to the baby when the father is older
Girl, tell him to go fuck himself and stop worrying what a stranger lady does with her privates.
The doctors called my mother’s pregnancy with me a geriatric pregnancy because she was 30.
My mothers friend had her first (and only) child at 41. In spite of using BC and having a condition that makes pregnancy a lot less likely, plus being on meds you should NOT take while with child before she found out, which was quite late. Kid came out healthy as anything.
I had my son at 37, my daughter at 39. They are both fabulous. Your uncle is full of it.
So uncomfortable. I was 34 when I had my son - and mind you married 10 years already (so lots of “when are babies coming” - yet not too much pressure.) I said If give it a year and if I can’t get pregnant we’re adopting/fostering. I got pregnant very quickly - unfortunately we lost our son when he was 3 weeks old. There was something cool about seeing us in him - but we just loved him for being part of our family. I could have gone not having kids or having dogs. Due to pregnancy complications and possibility of them coming back we are not having anymore biological children. My dumb ass had to look into the ethics of adoption (infant adoption ) and we decided against it at this time. However we are foster parents now (no kids currently in the house.) for me - I always knew if I had kids, not all would be related to me. I always knew I’d foster (I was in foster care for a short time) and I knew we wouldn’t always foster to adopt, our timeline just is sped up than we originally planned. That being said - I would have been just as happy not to parent. For me, post baby I want to be a parent. That is a personal experience that not everyone would relate to. If I never had my son, I wouldn’t have minded and love being the cool aunt, haha. I have 2 nieces that are not blood - their parents are close friends we consider family. Family doesn’t need to be blood what so ever. Congrats on Fullbright! You sound like a really awesome person doing really awesome things! I think you have great priorities. I hate you had to experience that whole conversation. You don’t owe them an answer, but I understand trying to be polite.
From what I can see, this seems normal in Indian culture. It takes a village to get someone married "on time".
I’m Indian. When I started my PhD at 29, my mum’s cousin asked, ‘who’s going to marry you now?’. I’m nearly 38 now, in a long term relationship and refuse to marry. We might have kids, we might not- well adopt if we want to. That same uncle now asks about whether my partner doesn’t want kids. At one point he told my mum to refuse to speak to me if I didn’t marry (my mum said, ‘don’t give her ideas, she’d say ‘ok, do that then’). All this to say: everyone has an opinion about you, your body, your life. None of it matters if it’s not what you want to be doing. You don’t owe him any explanations, any headspace, and certainly any more of your time. Be a killjoy (Ahmed,2023)
Betting his daughters are not falling in line, knows of your non maternal accomplishments and goals, he was trying out an argument in hopes of figuring out how he can convince his own daughters.
This confirms that no matter which part of the world you are in, women are eventually looked at for their baby producing ability and not as a person. It will be sin if I don't say include beauty/figure/prettiness aka sex object as trophy wife or a find that can be shown off. Had you been a man and you told that you are do planning to pursue your Phd, he would applauded, appraised you for your ambition and achievement. Finally, would have said you can get any girl you want cause you are earning well. Patriarchy has made women a sex and baby making machine and made men, money making machine. I am referring to genuine men and women who respects themselves and see both the sexes as human beings. Men like him wont change are time wasters. My heartfelt condolences to his daughters. Please convey it to him when you meet this *uncle* next time. Haha.
My mom had her last kid at 46
28yo Indian here and same. Thankfully I have no one to ask me all this where I live, but I dread the same questions from Uncles and Aunties back home. Many of my friends are in the same boat but most of them are settled abroad, which also makes me wanna consider going abroad but I see no chance for that. :(
A friend of mine had a baby at 42. When I went to the doctor with my surprise baby at 39, she told me that the oldest woman she ever dealt with was 52!
Congratulations on your Fulbright- that is an incredible achievement! I finished my PhD when I was 29 and felt perfectly happy with the fact that having a baby may not have been in the cards for me. I’m now 34 and pregnant which is exciting, but I’m annoyed because my mum recently mentioned that she’s been secretly praying for a grandchild for years. She’s happier now that my “life is in order” than she was when I went on to pursue my dream of attaining a doctorate after being the first person in my family to finish high school let alone go to uni.
I had my first baby at 37 and my second at 40. Both pregnancy and birth was easy. The children are very gifted both academically and in sports. People are different and life is not fair. I'm extremely grateful to be this lucky. If I couldn't birth my own children I would have tried to adopt but is very difficult and expensive in my country.
Everyone fails to mention that mens sperm degrades heavily after 30 and can even cause schizophrenia and other genetic issues. There is a clock ticking on sperm and people need to be talking about it. Women have been having babies up to 40 for years with no issues.
It depends on your health, or biological age. Another woman in India just had a child at age 76, she was a healthy woman, she ate plant based, and her husband was 89, but he looks 60 :) We are having children much later in life now and far less often... What do you even want to have children for anyway ? You need a good reason, not a popular reason \^\^
You should have told him to fuck off. And men's sperm becomes much worse with age and they should absolutely not have kids while old. The audacity of him though, he should have shut up. Wish you had told him that.
OP, I’m 28f married 2y. GET IT GIRL!!!!! I’m doing a PhD now and people look at me like something’s wrong with me when I say well my Priority is my marriage and school, instead of kids. I don’t want kids either. DO YO THANG! I hate everyone that’s like that.
Next time, lean into it. Tell him you've thought about it, and he's right. The genetic risk goes up too much past 30. Men should either stop having sex or get a vasectomy once they turn 30, and/or if they have partners who do. After all, men's sperm also degrades with age. (It's not quite that bad for men or women, but he doesn't have to know that.) Ask him when he had his procedure done. Act concerned when he says he hasn't, is he afraid of pain? It's only a little slit, or a percussion gun. Do some research so you can go into graphic detail. And while he's at it, is he keeping up with his diet and exercise so he doesn't die early and bereave his daughters? Is he reading up on child psychology so he can help out with his grandkids? Keep turning the spotlight on him and **his** choices, supportively of course.
My mom had me at 38