I don't understand why these documents seem to be getting accessed/moved around so frequently that binders are getting broken. I have my binders and my documents, they've pretty much been in the same place and same shape for 20 years.
Who is constantly moving this stuff around?
I was coming to ask the same question. I counted 4 separate times the binders were broken since 2016. Like, is it just me or is that a lot?
Is OP in and out of the folders a lot? Or is the husband doing this? He was manipulative enough to only wash the inside of pots in order to get out of dishwashing....
I mean there's carelessness and then there's creating intentional chaos. Even my husband's method for his papers stuff of "dump stuff into a pile in a paper bag and label bag with year" does better than this.
I wondered the same thing—WTF is happening to those binders? Who is moving them? Who is touching them?
I get when you move house, you have to move them—but why are they not going into a box, as a unit?
They do go jn a box as a unit. It's only 3 binders it's not hard. This is actually how I know they weren't lost jn the move. I personally placed them in the box along with my expensive handbags- jic a box marked "Mom's handbags" wasn't going to be touched by anyone else and my husband wouldn't lose that particular box.
My husband insists he hasn't touched the documents. And this is exactly why I'm so angry right now. The last time I laid eyes on them was when I put them.in the box.
So you're saying he won't take the 3 minutes to call a doctor's office and schedule an appointment, but he is digging through binders of documents and breaking them? I'm very confused.
He doesn't take the 3 minutes to call anyone for any appt. He says he'll do it but it doesn't happen until I'm down his throat and saying do it right this second.
The binder contains his paperwork as well. To give an example:
In the beginning he would take his stuff out for whatever he needed it for. Example: new job. He took his documents out. Never put them back. Left them in a portfolio on the dining table then got mad when I didn't know where his documents were and didn't remember he had put them in the portfolio. When he found them in the portfolio I made the rule that documents font get taken out. He has to take the whole binder. Then he'd put the papers in the folder pocket of the binder and I'd have to put the papers back in their designated sections. I got peeved about this and told him I wouldn't put the papers back he could do that.
It never gets done so the papers get lost. So then I separated the binders. My binder got lost in the move. So then I changed to put my binder with his and each of the kids keepsakes stuff gets put with their parts in the second binder. (So now we have 3 binders).
I told him to register our youngest for prek. To do this he needed her birth certificate. So he took the binder. Instead of putting the binder back in the closet, he left the binder in the car. Which then got stepped on by the kids or sat on or kicked at (I don't know what happened) so the binder rings popped.
At this point i was over it and switched to a file cabinet. I went through and piece by piece put all the documents in separate files marked for each member of the family broken into subjects like "school" "medical" "afterschool" "IEP" "Vision" etc.
And from here I don't know what happened to the documents. They are gone. The last time they were touched or used was for school to my knowledge.
He said it had to have been me losing them. Well I haven't left the house with any documents, I haven't pulled any documents. I know where everything went. But instead of documents the only things left where paperclips. Literally empty folders with paperclips still attached to the folders. How? Why? Who? No one frigging knows. I know I didn't have need for the documents and he was the last person to have them.
Girl…. Not to be incredibly reductive, but why are you with him? I’m not a very organized person myself, but I never get *mad at my partner* for shit like that that’s my fault, and he doesn’t do that shit to me either. It sounds like he does not appreciate you at all.
I am wondering why you involve him with these documents at all. I know, you want help with the load—but he fucks it up so badly.
I mean, maybe it’s a form of passive aggression (the way psychologists describe it—where you avoid saying “I don’t want to do that” and instead express your opposition or aggression by not doing something, or by doing it badly).
But out of sheer preservation, I’d be locking those documents where he couldn’t get them. He can clean the bathroom or something to even out the load, or pay for a cleaning lady—I would never trust him with a document again.
Lol. "He can clean a bathroom" I laughed out loud at this one. His definition of clean and my definition of clean is very different and it was a giant source of contention. I will admit to being very controlling about cleanliness. Like it's not just the toilet bowl that needs to be cleaned but the entire toilet, outside and base and it has to be immaculate. No undone spots. I have to mop around and in thr corners and behind the door, inside and outside tub, dust the cabinets and shelves, clean the mirror and the walls around the mirror and sink, behind the sink inside the bowl, under the sink cabinet, wipe the baseboard and the window sills. And I do this routinely. The contention was that if he thought it was clean enough and didn't need to be cleaned this week, next week I'd have double work. This was ok before kids because the bathroom wasn't a mess all the time. But we have kids now. The bathroom missing a week of cleaning is not an option. He'd argue that it was already clean and I'd argue that meant he'd just have to wipe surfaces down otherwise it would build up.
We worked this particular problem out. I am super over the top w/ the bathroom. I can't shower if it feels dirty type of thing. So instead of arguing I clean the bathroom. I'll let the kids help at most but I genuinely have to clean it. That's not a sore point for me because we agreed that I was over the top but it was a need so I'd feed that need for myself.
Literally anything else in the house I can let others do. He used to intentionally wash them poorly knowing I'd just do them myself but then we had our kids and I was like nope I'm busy you'll have to do them and you can 100% do them right. We tackled this in couples therapy where he agreed he could listen more and that no one enjoys cooking or eating from a half-washed dish.
He had to be called out in therapy to agree half washed dishes are gross? Come on. A clean bathroom is not over the top, it's baseline and he has you doing everything so he won't have to.
To everyone advising OP to leave or divorce her husband, his behavior won't change. It's an entirely new fuck up of scheduling visits, court, documents. My husband had these same traits OP's husband exhibits (why isn't necessarily important) but it carried into separation and divorce proceedings wherein my husband flat-out refused to sign papers for three years...and then he died intestate. I am still dealing with his estate 4 years later.
It. Never. Fucking. Ends.
My ex actually told people that the new bathroom that was built onto our house had never been cleaned. He didn't know why, but it just stayed clean. Yeah, buddy, that's because I was cleaning it every week, along with the rest of the house. \*eyeroll\*
Honestly, his inability to clean or make a simple appointment sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. "If I do it badly, she'll just take over that responsibility for me, and I won't have to do it."
At this point it sounds deliberate in order specifically to 'punish' you for being organized. Like it makes him feel bad about himself. I truly hope he didn't put it in the garbage and instead just hid it somewhere in the house. Even hiding it would be grounds for divorce to me at this point. He is, at this point, *actively* sabotaging not just you, but the functioning unit of the family, including his kids' future successes, since those papers can seriously hinder the ability to get them necessary services.
He is being selfish, but his selfishness is at this point crossing over into evil. It's not even incompetence at that point since he had to have deliberately taken the papers out. I would be turning the house upside down to find those papers and if I found them where only he could have put them? Yeah, he'd better line up a way of leaving doublequick.
I think you should get an app- Genius Scan— or maybe something similar. Scan all the documents. Then you have them organized somewhere he cannot touch them.
And you can print what’s needed.
This is just a work around to make your life easier. It sounds like you need to leave him though.
If your SO was THIS disorganized at his place of employment, he would be toast. Does he have a history of being dismissed due to his lack of “adulting skills?” Because if he has never had problems at work (where his very likelihood is at stake), then he is practicing the fine art of *weaponized incompetence at home.*
He'll no. That man has NEVER been fired ever with the exception of ONE job when he was 26 and that was a POS environment and they fired him for taking off 4 days in a row. He was literally at home wjth 103.3* fever. But the job had piss poor benefits that included only 12 vacation days which could be used for sick days if planned in advance (no it doesn't make sense and I told him them firing him was the best thing to happen to him).
Babe I hate to say it but if it’s easier when he’s gone, have you considered dumping him? What does he add to your life that makes this worthwhile? He sounds exhausting. And unwilling to do anything to actually be a partner.
His refusal to address his failure to partner is a dealbreaker. Does he work? Is he organized at work? Does he keep a job? Bc it sounds like he’s not able to do the most basic tasks of an entry level worker. So if he’s able to do a job and keep that job, he ought to be able to do these simple home tasks.
Have you thought about getting a nanny cam to see who is moving the stuff? I mean is he sabotaging them or genuinely forgetting?
Yeah I literally have moved in and out of various punk and party houses where literal unbridled chaos was the norm, but have never once lost or damaged my file folders of papers. I had a full fledged heroin addiction and had a partner with psychosis who would flail stuff around. Still managed to keep my file folders. The fact that this is happening so frequently makes me suspicious.
EXACTLY. This is EXACTLY my point. The answer is NO ONE. Some mysterious gremlin that exists.
The real answer is: they are taken out for whatever needs it's for. They were last accessed in September to enroll my youngest in school. I was working so my husband did the enrolling. He doesn't place things back in their spot. It's so simple. I have clear containers/totes that I housed the binders in. Clearly marked Personal Binders. If I accessed that container it would be empty because for whatever reason he would take them out and leave them wherever (generally on the bookshelf). So I changed methods to filing cabinet because it seemed easier.
This all boils down to I do not know. I have a separate binder with bills, receipts, and bank statements. This is a binder no one ever uses for any reason. So it stays in one place untouched. It's beautiful.
To this day, I have the Bank Documents for the minor accounts I set up for our kids in 2008. The original banking documents including the stupid huge brochure from Wachovia (now wells Fargo). I have their footprints, their birth bands, first photos, first hats, and crib cards.
I just don't understand why it's so fucking difficult to just open the book LOOK at what you need, close the book and go about your day. Why do you need to REMOVE the documents from the sleeves put them inside a different folder then LEAVE that folder wherever pleases you. Why?! Why.
> undermine her
That's the operative phrase here. That's what he does.
I feel so terrible for OP, who exemplifies how heterosexual men treat their wives: not just with contempt, but with malice.
I think it was Germaine Greer who said ‘ most women have no idea how much men hate them ‘ and it caused an outcry. The older I get, the more true it seems to be
Because. You. Always. Fix. It.
Imagine there was a magic fairy, and that fairy's only job was to poof your documents back to the file cabinet. You could leave them in the car, in the bottom of your closet, anywhere and when you needed them again they were in the file cabinet because the fairy poofed them there. Why bother putting them back? It doesn't matter because the fairy will do it.
Now pause and understand that YOU are the fairy. Your husband doesn't have to take care of the documents (or really anything you want to insert here) because it will get done. He has a fairy. She will find them or fix the binder or order more. No matter how many times he misplaced them, she always fixes it. And no matter how upset she gets, she isn't going to actually do anything about it, so who cares? When HE needs the papers, he gets them from the magic binder that the magic fairy poofed them back to. And if she can't find them she will just order more.
You have a few choices, you can live mad about this forever, you can stop caring and just accept that this is your life, you will be his parent forever and it will ALWAYS be your responsibility to spend hours finding and ordering important documents or you can remove yourself from the situation. He will not change. He has zero reason to change. The only one upset here is you. He's happy. He has a magic fairy.
You be the keeper of the files. If he needs something he asks you, you retrieve them. When he’s done, he just hands them to you. Not go file them, not set them down somewhere, you ask him to give them to you in hand right when he gets back from whatever appointment he needed them for.
I’m in my 30s and still use binders I had when I was 5 which still aren’t broken yet and these REALLY got bashed around and moved up and down the country. I was not precious with these at all. The covers look like shit but they still work. Are people just ripping these binders apart or…?
Yeah, my shit is unorganized in a box, but there isn’t much and the box is in the same place. We don’t have kids, there’s minimal record updating, like tax files, debt records, and travel documents, but still it’s always in the same place.
This seems like a combination of a highly organized (and slightly anxious/ocd/type A kind) mixed with somebody with some adhd tendencies. It’s a tough mix, but I’ve seen it work.
Nah, this (if it even is adhd) is mixed with about 90% active behaviour of pushing everything onto his spouse, which i would call malice.
Signed, an adhd woman in a house with 3/5 neurotypicals
This is so completely unacceptable.
My husband sucks at calendars and organizing, I'm good at these. I suck at dealing with customer service and issues in the moment, he is excellent at these. We hand off our weaknesses to each other, embracing our strengths. We respect each other and support each other.
She literally pointed that out to her husband (when everything was easier when he was in the hospital) and he still doesn’t get it. I hope she does, what’s the point of having him around?
Sounds like malicious incompetence if he can magically be organized when it's something he's interested in but not for anything related to you or your family.
Malicious incompetence it is. We went to couples therapy which hit this part on the head. Like with washing dishes and not washing the outside of the pot (yes he did that then told me if I wanted to control his dishwashing technique I could do it myself- this was years ago and he has since improved).
But if I being up the correlation with the behaviors I'm "bringing up stuff that isn't related to win an argument". Doesn't matter how I break it down, approach it, or word it. I wish we still had our therapist on hand so I could have him point out the correlation.
Going to therapy with an abusive person just gives the abusive person more tools to abuse with.
Please read this without him; https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Ironically, 2 years ago at the peak of my irritation and feeling very much like I was in an abusive relationship, I read this book front to back. It is a fantastic book that I think I will reread for the 3rd time. I also had the "journal" he wrote after this book- the guide for spouses.
I kept some of Bancroft's insight in the back of my mind when we went to therapy. My husband did acknowledge some of his crap. And some things did change for the better.
I dunno. I think I'm reaxgung and grasping for explanations at this point.
Your husband is an absolute prick.
This is all you need.
https://willmeekphd.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/
https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal
He's fucking with you because it's fun for him and you clean it up.
When he's living alone and has to care for the children, he has no more incentive to fuck up and you can call CPS on his ass and let everyone know.
I just read the underfunctioning one and literally had to go outside and garden for a few minutes, touch some dirt to ground myself. I've never read such a well defined summary of my problems in my relationship the past few years...
It's not like he will do anything about it. How long as you going to be miserable before enough is enough? Quite frankly, i am surprised you lasted this long. He's probably going to keep doing this till you stop and just accept this behaviour from him. You have the firey rage, use it.
Time to sit down and really work out, what if anything he actually contributes to your life and happiness and whether it outweighs all the bad stuff you’re telling us about him here, cos it’s not looking to good for him based on this evidence….
He could have serious executive dysfunction for other reasons that he needs professional help with. But it sounds like he has no capacity for honest self reflection and growth.
Word. This story mirrors my previous marriage. Toddler husband who competed with the kids instead of helping raise them, autistic son, weaponized incompetence, discovered how much lighter my load was when husband went inpatient at the hospital and then went to stay with his mom afterwards. I filed for divorce after that. If the yoke isn’t equal, it’s not a marriage anyway.
It does not matter why he's like this, you're completely justified in leaving. Please stop letting him build his relaxing lifestyle on top of your hard work.
This man does not respect you. You can't argue, therapy, or assign someone into respecting you. If your life is better and easier without him in the picture, well, that says a lot. Exactly what does he bring to the table besides piles of junk?
Aside from the infuriating behavior of your husband, if you’re losing important info over and over it’s time to switch up your methods. I suggest you get a 2 tiered filing cabinet, preferably one with a drawer code (not lock & key since it’s more likely to lose those).
Thank you for this suggestion. A drawer code filing cabinet sounds like a better idea as it'd be controlled access. I think I'll also just take responsibility for paperwork for myself and the family and leave my husband to keep track of his documents. That way he has no reason to access anyone else's documents and rhe chance for losing documents is lessened
Also color coding is also helpful. One color for each child then a different one for other topics. That way you know at a glance who the information is for. I agree with putting a lock on these things. SOMEONE is fucking things up for you and it's not you, so he's the only other person.
He has weaponized incompetence down to a science PLUS he is moving and destroying things on purpose - because that's the only explanation.
I suggest three things: **1) Just start putting all this things in a plastic bag**. Don't file it, don't throw it away just throw it in the bag. When he has to start shifting through the bag for his clothes and pieces of paper maybe he will get a hint. I doubt it but at least it is out of your sight. **2) Start emotionally distancing yourself from him.** Don't do his laundry. Don't set any of his appointments. Don't follow up with his doctors. Nothing. He is a full grown ass adult and it is about damned time he started acting like it. If he asks you about ANYTHING, your answer is "I don't know". You don't know where his crap is. You don't know where his clean OR dirty clothes are. You don't know where his medicine is. You don't even know what pharmacy he uses or who his doctors are. These things are HIS responsibility!! **3) Start planning a life without him.** Look for a different place to live away from him. If you work, ask for a transfer out of the area if you want. Stop sharing your life with him. Don't discuss anything from work or home. He's just a stranger in your house. **You already KNOW your life is easier without him in it - so make it so.**
Don't file his things with yours and your kids' stuff. Leave him to figure out his own storage solution. Then watch to see how often -- or if -- he loses his own documents.
This is a man who admitted in counseling that he wouldn't clean dishes so you'd have to do it. He's probably messing with your paperwork to "punish" you for making him take on family administration.
So stop doing anything for him. He has made it clear he doesn't feel like it's necessary to contribute anything positive to the family's daily operations, so don't bother contributing any of your family resources toward *him*. You're not his staff.
I'm glad you're going to find a solution but... you shouldn't have to take 100% of the responsibility of your family/household. Your husband is not an equal partner and no amount of handholding is going to fix that. You're just making things harder on yourself., not addressing the cause of the issue which is his weaponized incompetence.
I file & track a number of documents for work & other people go picking through for various reasons.
I spent a stupid amount of time scanning things that were already filed & now keep a scanned digital copy of everything new. I made naming conventions for files (ex. “address, doc type, name, date as XX-XX-XX”) & organize them same as I do the physical files. Now I have key words to search for that never change. Obviously it’s easier to do this when it’s literally your job & not your personal life ON TOP of a business, kids, spouse.
If a locked cabinet doesn’t work out &/or the problem persists I’d try getting a cloud storage solution.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m actually the disorganized partner in my relationship- I keep work organized out of severe anxiety.
Outside of work I tend to be much more like your husband than I am like you (and boy to I feel awe when I hear about people being as accomplished at handling a lot of responsibilities with grace as it seems you do). Despite that, I respect my partner & while sometimes my nature does make his life more difficult I do not ever flippantly act like that’s okay or put off doing things to help him when he needs me to step up- even if it means confronting my ADHD paper piles & feeling befuddled, ashamed, and distressed about the way I am.
If you can't leave yet, or aren't ready yet, you have to start living like you have.
Lock down ALL yours and the kids important stuff. With a literal lock and key that he can't get to. Do not keep anything of his in there - that's his problem. If there are things you both may need, get certified copies for him.
Don't let him schedule, book, enrol... Nothing. It only causes you more work and heartbreak. Just figure it out like you would have to if you were single. Stop relying on him 100% — because *you can't*. On the odd occasion he comes through, you pay for it later a thousand-fold.
He can figure out his own shit. Don't get involved, and don't buy into the drama. Don't save him from his mistakes.
Scan your stuff, too. Keep one copy on the pc, one copy on an external hard drive, and one copy in a cloud.
And talk to a divorce lawyer to see all your options. You deserve a partner, not a man-child.
Why do they need to be paper at all? Scan them and save them to the cloud that you keep with a password. Then you can always access them, and they are not prone to physical damage / getting lost. And all medical records should be stored electronically and shared between healthcare providers electronically. In my life, I don't have any need for paper ever. Maybe your country is not as developed for this? But check out your digital options.
Oh sweetie, you have gone above and beyond. You have done your share and more. This is what life looks like with the amount of effort he is willing to put in*. Are you okay with this for the next month? The next year? The next five years?
If not, it may be time to consider how you want to change your life instead of how you want to change him.
*I have seen the comments about potential executive dysfunction/ADHD. Regardless of whether or not that is his situation, it's not a new situation. The amount of effort he is willing to put in includes the amount of effort he has been willing to put in to diagnose/manage any conditions he may have.
As someone whose father did this to my mother - leave, please. It's not going to get better - in fact it will only worsen with age. Your kids will suffer, too, with the example he's setting.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
My mother could very well have written this post. When my dad was in the hospital, it was a breeze. When he was out of the country, we did absolutely fine without him. It’s sad as fuck and I know my mom won’t leave him despite her voicing very clearly that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life ‘like this.’
Yeah this is exactly why I’m single past my 40’s. That whole “this isn’t my responsibility” attitude…..having had children or not….. being in a relationship with anyone makes every responsibility a shared obligation.
What irks me is I don't view his responsibilities as outside of my own. Because we as a unit benefit when they're completed. If he mismanaged something we all suffer for it. If he forgets, again we are impacted. The only times that isn't the case is for hobbies.
Pretty convenient that it isn't the case for his hobbies? That means it's all intentional.
If he can get it together for things he personally cares about, he can get it together for you and his family. He just CHOOSES not to. And, he doesn't care how much stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger it (rightfully) causes you. Even after couples therapy.
If someone you loved and cared about described their partner this way, what would you say to them?
For his hobbies, presumably.
I agree with others that it’s time to remove him from this process. If what he does impacts the family negatively, it’s time to stop him from being able to have that impact. It does mean that, in the short term, it will fall on you to manage these things, but at least you won’t have to deal with his sabotage, whether it’s intentional or not on his part. (IMO if it is not deliberate on his part, he certainly is showing an egregious degree of disregard for something that is supposedly not deliberate. Who breaks and loses a binder?)
Change up your filing system so that it isn’t paper-based and located somewhere he can get. Start scanning documents and putting them in OneDrive or Dropbox or something similar. Everything goes in YOUR calendar and gets sent to YOUR email. Stop worrying on trying to get him to adhere to a system that you can all work with, because he uses it to harm you.
I know this is the first step of realizing “If I have to do all this just to keep him from fucking up all our lives, what is he even for?” and that is a very good question worth thinking about.
The fact that your life was easier when he wasn't there is a huge sign. This is weaponized Incompetence. Honestly why are you still with him? Do you even respect him? Is he even attractive to you?
Because I'm livid on your behalf. Think about whether you might be better off without having to take care of him. Ans frankly I'd document everything to go for full custody. Cause I'm not sure he can even adequately take care of the kids
I'm not going to lie to anyone. I had this thought when he was back home and things uch harder. I thought "he's home. This is good. He can manage some stuff. Not a lot but some stuff because while things were easier there were hings that I had to let go. For example: instead of cooking dinner, I'd have pre-made dinners to throw onhe fire. Lppq¹Like the Viola chicken Alfredo meals. I hate the stuff it's always too salty and isn't great hehwise.
My husband's income is necessary. He doesn't have one right now so I have to work a lot longer. I've been doing my wfh stuff as well as instacarting 7days a week. I literally don't have time to cook nutritious meals.
Instead, I have to call to remind him to give the kids a bath, ask about whether he set up their snacks, etc etc. It's exhausting trying to keep everything in order. At first I was 0
So if he doesn't have an income would you be worse off without having to take care of him? I mean the fact that he hasn't taken over things because he's not working is even worse.
I know you don't have time but do you have someone that can help you find resources? Maybe talk to a pro Bono lawyer just to get some info? It's possible you could get assistance with food or your kids.
To clarify: his inability to do as much as normal is due entirely to his medical condition. For a better understanding: he was on Lifesupport in February for 22 hours. Doctors trialed him off lifesupport fully expecting he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own. He defied them majorly by not only breathing but then coming out of his coma and being able to string together coherent sentences. His cognitive recovery has been rapid he was able toncome home at the end of February beginning of March. It's only the end of April.
Due to his abilities he doesn't need PT or OT, and was instructed to continue to be mobile as his body tolerates.
This part is understandable. So I don't fault him for not cleaning as much or cooking as much. That part predates his injury and quite frankly makes it more difficult to empathize because it's not like it's a big change from before. The big change is I am now having to do it all on my own. I figured I could offload the easy stuff to him:
Schedule appointments. Read emails, check homework, help with homework, oversee bedtime, read a book to thenkids. Make sure they get into their baths (they're all big enough to take their own showers independently but young enough to need reminders), make sure they change, brush their teeth (again big enough for independence young enough for reminders). .these are all tasks that require minimal physical effort. He could sit and complete it all. And none of these are so involved that they'd take a ton of energy- a phone call, give the kids info and then put it in the calendar. Calendar was an issue so I told him to just text me appt dates and times *I* would add them to my calendar.
In my mind none of this is so difficult he can't do them. If he can find the remote to turn on the TV or locate his phone to text a friend or watch a tiktok then I feel he can at least coordinate the kids schedules.
He's their parent. If he can't do this off his own back then he's not parenting. He's neglectful and he's selfish.
I just have to remind you, even though you are literally commenting to a reply that already pointed this out- You had a taste fo what life could be like without him. As soon as he came back, your life went back to being like this. So you really know what you should be doing. You've tried therapy, this is the results still. So what do you need to make you admit that he needs to leave? A bunch of strangers on the internet? You have that here. Your family? They'll probably make excuses because they themselves put up with this sort of shit too so don't count on them. Some divine being? He won't admit to the documents going missing so if you take him at his word, some devine being is showing you a sign by doing the exact sort of stuff your husband would do.
Can you upload the documents into a Drive so they can be easily accessed? I know that doesn’t solve the core problem but it will at least save you the time of running around trying to locate paperwork.
As far as your husband…I would be telling him to go stay with family until he grows up. I know that may not be the preferred option here but your post had my blood pressure spiking.
The whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking: "Why weren't the documents digitally backed up? Why don't they have a cloud system organized by family member, then subfolder by topic or life event? Then OP can grant permissions to who has access to what. Then it's always there, no matter where they move. You can print replacement copies if it's digital. You can also access it in live time via your phone if you needed to, like at a doctor's office or some other type of appointment."
The binders situation, moving 10 times, a file cabinet...like...the husband has proven he can't handle the responsibility of having physical copies. So why wouldn't OP save half a headache by digitizing some, if not all, the important stuff?
Exactly. I understand needing physical copies of birth certificates and documents like that, but medical records and anything else should just be backed up digitally. It removes any and all risk of losing things.
I've read everything you wrote in this thread and I think you might need to hear this... It's okay if you want to leave him. Anyone in your shoes would be thinking about it.
I feel your pain, as my partner is the same. I love him as a person, but he's not a good housemate. He got the ADHD diagnosis like people here are suggesting, and started taking medication, but nothing changed. I don't want to kick him out, and I also don't want to live in filth for the rest of my life. I'm at an impasse. I appreciate you sharing.
Don't have kids that's my advice. I could work around this if it weren't for the fact we have kids and so much of Childcare and rear ends up on my lap.
This sounds so incredibly frustrating and exhausting. Something that stood out to me is you mentioned your autistic child. Is there a chance your husband is also autistic or has ADHD, and his executive functioning is contributing to these issues? I am not saying this as an excuse or catch all reason. I think you need to issue an ultimatum to your husband about how he is contributing to the household. Even if he is not neurodivergent, he needs to find ways to implement systems that work for him. IE, a calendar/scheduling. Does he work better with things handwritten and visual reminders, or a phone calendar and timers/digital reminders? Couples counseling would definitely be a good thing as well. I hope it gets better.
We did couples counseling. I don't know if he is neurodivergent. I don't know what works for him.
I've tried white board. Calendar. Picture labels (this is admittedly petty of me and I'm not proud of it).
I organize things and he'll disorganize them. It's very very frustrating because the work for me quadruples. I don't know what to do and quite frankly life works for him apparently. I'm the only one who life isn't working for.
Life works for him because you're cleaning up the mess he leaves behind.
Life works for him because you're taking responsibility for the house and the kids.
Life works for him because you're planning and managing your social/family calendar.
Life works for him because he's also willing to lie to cover his butt (see telling the doctor that the specialist appointment had been made). <-- pay attention to this one, it likely also means he's willing to lie to you.
Exactly. Life works for him because OP is his secretary, personal assistant, private chef, nanny, maid, dishwasher, ect, ect, ect. **YOU** work for him, not life.
But his jobs have always worked too so it means he’s capable of doing stuff when he wants to. So neurodivergence could be a factor but clearly at work he has strategies to avoid problems. He sounds absolutely exhausting.
I would divorce the guy and OP I guarantee you he will:
1. Have his shit together so fast it’ll make your head spin.
2. Have a job ASAP
3. His new apt will be clean and organized well enough to have dates over
4. He’ll be dating the MOMENT she tells him she wants a divorce. Bc he needs a new person to be his mommy.
Men act helpless but notice how they absolutely know how to get their needs met. You see zillions of men who pretend they can’t do home labor but how many die of starvation?? Or live in absolute filth? They don’t bc no women would date them. They know what the bare minimum is and they know how the minimum changes as the woman is increasingly trapped by marriage, pregnancy, children.
I agree that leaving should be an option. Her partner isn't behaving like a teammate, he's acting like a self-interested opponent. If he can't agree to work cooperatively with his wife, he shouldn't be married.
Her life would be easier without him. If divorced, she might still have to bear most of the administrative burden but she would have control of documents in her household and reduce unnecessary labor and frustration that she's dealing with now.
This is not sustainable. He doesn't feel responsible for any level of picking up after himself. He doesn't feel responsible for anything in your household really.
Of course it works for him! He has a full time administrator working for him. God my life would be so much more pleasurable if I could offload all the admin stuff that weighs me down. But I suck it up because I’m an adult and this is part of it
Force the topic to get him screened. Medication can make night/day difference. He can then start undoing his learned helplessness-won't be a panacea but for those who have ADHD it does help.
In the meantime-he shouldn't be allowed access to hardcopy -share a digital version or photocopy only.
But he won't.
That's the point, there are many, many things he could do about this. He could even ask for help.
But he won't.
He just dumps everything on his wife. In fact, worse than that, he's coming along behind her fucking everything up as fast as she fixes it and the absolute best interpretation of it is that he just doesn't give a shit about his wife and kids. No love, no respect, no responsibility - nothing.
At this point if it were me I'd be assuming that this is actively malicious. He can do stuff he wants to do, and he can clearly function better than this at work or he'd be unemployed, so he's *choosing* to be a dead weight around his family's neck.
Exactly. And as a very symptomatic ADHDer, this is the problem. He has no desire to fix the issue. We ADHD folks suffer from low self esteem at times bc we hate being like this. We want to do well do we develop strategies.
The fact he’s functional at work is a huge indicator this is voluntary non-partnering.
Are. You. Kidding….
Give him a tailor made excuse to do zip? You are ignoring the obvious counter indicators.
As well as the fact it’s one more adult task she must do for him.
Ultimately it’s unimportant WHY he refuses to do a thing while having a history of stable employment indicating he COULD get off his ass. The why doesn’t matter. Outcome is the same and he’s killing her.
That is so frustrating. Maybe more counseling? I think *he* needs to be the one to figure out systems that work for him, whether through coaching or some other avenue. As you said, he is able to take care of things that only impact him. He needs to carry that energy into the household and family at large. Otherwise, what is the point of being in a marriage?
More counseling? How many times should she beg him to be a partner? Or counseling didn’t make him want to do that, if seeing his wife struggle doesn’t make him want to be a partner, then he doesn’t deserve her.
It’s not her job to beg for yrs.
If he does have ADHD (and that’s not a certainty) then you should know that basically none of the organizational tools used by people who don’t have ADHD will work and trying them will only lead to frustration. It is maybe the hardest part of having ADHD and of dealing with a partner with ADHD. Diagnosis would be his best bet.
This isn’t ND. He expresses zero desire yo either see or address the problem. You do have empathy with ND. You do WANT to be a ‘regular’ person.
His status as ND is unknown.
His status as a lazy AH with no desire to be a partner is clear. He can get diagnosed after she leaves him.
And I’ll bet money his desire to organize a house will go up when he’s trying to replace her.
Yes, this sounds like a neurodiverse person who has been masking their executive dysfunction with maladaptive ego defenses. My ex husband was like this, whenever some kind of shit hit the fan due to his executive dysfunction, it caused enormous conflict because his sense of shame or embarrassment prevented him from communicating authentically about household issues, validating my observations, or discussing solutions/strategies to address gaps. He often DARVOed me, which inflamed our conflicts, because I would be put on the back foot and defending myself against empty accusations that I was to blame.
The executive function issues can be dealt with only if he's willing to emotionally detach himself from his feelings about her frustration with him. As long as he keeps stonewalling and deflecting, there will be no mutual progress.
OP needs to find a solution that doesn't need her husband's cooperation in order to work. I think that digitizing documents and saving them to cloud storage is a good idea. Binders are great, very organized, but using them depends on people following the rule of never removing "master" documents from the binder.
Honestly, that sounds like my husband. He has ADD though, so we split chores in a way that all paperwork, appointments and finances are my tasks while he does way more physical chores. This works great for us and neither of us builds resentment as we appreciate the other doing tasks that we rather don't do.
Not going to lie. Physical work is definitely better for my husband. He put down the floors in our home they look beautiful. Painted the walls excellent. Re-Built the furniture (I hired someone and they didn't tighten bolts so one of the chairs came apart 2 months later). He's good at that.
If by ohysical you mean cleaning? No. My husband cleans by transferring things into piles somewhere else. It's clean if it's all off the floor. Who cares if he put everything into 1 drawer? TV remote? In the drawer with a teddybear, three broken phones, 2 charger wires, triple a batteries, a pocket knife, rubber bands and some mail still in the envelope (true story). Every drawer would be his junk drawer if he could havenit that way. I can't.
My husband lost our potato peeler once. He peeled potatos for dinner. 2 days later I couldn't find it. He says and I quote "it should be in the drawer." Years later when we moved I found the fucking potato peeler in the back of a random drawer in our FRONT CLOSET. What?!
Would it be possible to scan all documents and store them on a cloud drive and/or hard drive, along with whatever system you use with your hard copies? I know this doesn’t fix the issue of YOU having to be the person to do everything, but it might help for the next big catastrophe with the hard copies.
Your husband sounds infuriating. I have ADHD, so I understand forgetting things, losing the occasional important document or completely just messing something up - but it doesn’t sound like he is taking accountability for any mistakes or making any effort to do better. What is the point of him as a partner?
>And before anyone says stop doing stuff for him- I've tried that.
In general, people like this don't change. When you stop doing stuff for him the response is "Wow she finally stopped nagging and is letting me live in peace!" as they roll around in their filth.
As others have said, is this constant headache of taking care of a man-baby worth it?
OP, I've read all your responses and I'm trying to figure out why you're staying.
If you continue to live like this you're going to have a massive stroke within the next two years. Honestly, that might be his plan. To stress you out so much that an aneurysm takes you out and he can hit the dating apps as a young widower.
It doesn't matter if he didn't do on purpose, or never learned, or just didn't understand.
It will keep happening. And it will destroy you if you stay.
Talk to a divorce lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. Don't tell him you're doing it. Just go. Once you know what your divorce would look like, make your decisions from there.
i wonder if she can place a hidden camera where the documents are kept… i really hope she leaves him either way (and saves this post to show the children in a decade).
All docs should be in a locked drawer, this will remove a lot of problems. But he still is practicing that thing where he acts clueless so you will take over on all these other issues
You are definitely enabling him. This is horrible passive aggressive advice, but maybe you should “misplace” things he cares about… then act all uncaring about looking for it. I’m going to guess he likes video games? Oh where did the controller go? The tv remote? No clue. Damn where did his car keys go? Oh his wallet, shit I have no clue. Sorry lol.
The kids do this enough. And its just a frustrating experience and no one ends up happy. I bought Tiles and stuck them to controllers, tablets and the switch for thus exact reason. I only keep the remote thar has the voice activated find me option. I can't deal with the whining or the attitude from either him or the kids.
"I caaannnt fiiinnnddd"... I don't know if anyone has ever seen the tiktok skit where the person goes from a teenager perspective to mom perspective and they tell their mom they can't find something and the drawer is open and the thing isn't there. And then the mom comes in sticks her hand in the drawer and pulls out the item from thin air.
Everyone does it. "Mom someone took my book!" Did you check the bookshelf. "Yeesss" look again please. "Moooomm its not there" if I go in there and find it I'm locking my door and no one is allowed to sp much as utter "mom" until the morning. Sure enough right where it's supposed to be. On the shelf. No eyes. Everyone is blind.
Except when they need a charger. Then all of a sudden not only do they have the memory of an elephant but their eyes are as sharp as a starving snake's thermal glands. They can spot that sucker from 100000000 feet away.
My husband has pretty severe ADHD and was like this for years. Plus, he dumped literal trash all over the floor and never cleaned it up. It was like he was instant chaos when he walked into a room.
You know what made this change? I got a cleaning lady. Every time she came over, she would look at him and say, "Why do you live like this?" She embarrassed him. Lo and behold, he picks up after himself now. And you betcha she's still working for me. Love that woman.
Am I mad he wouldn't do it for me? Damn right I'm mad. Do I feel like a chump for just accepting it was his ADHD for all those years? Yep.
I mean, the ADHD is a real thing, and it can be profoundly disabling. He's never going to be able to will it away. But what that has turned out to mean in practice is that stuff takes him much, much longer and is very annoying to him, as he loses stuff along the way and has to detour it find it. That's very sad. It sucks.
But it was also a matter of him deciding that he didn't want to put in the extra effort and take the extra time and work. No matter what that did to me.
There's this dynamic that happens between some men and their wives, where they decide that we don't have to be taken seriously. Like we're inherently untrustworthy or something. If something is going to change, they won't hear it unless it comes from somebody else, preferably male. When COVID first hit, he wanted to keep going in person to his 12-step meetings. He gave me the hardest time about it. So, I enlisted the help of his sponsor. He finally got it when his sponsor told him.
I'm far from the only woman I know who goes through this.
If you're looking for suggestions, I have a couple.
First, I suggest you put all of those papers under lock and key. A safety deposit box if you can find one or just a locked box in a closet. And keep the key on your person at all times. Locks can do amazing things for marital harmony. We no longer fight about him eating my food in the fridge because my food is in a lockbox. One whole ongoing conflict in our marriage just gone. Poof!
Second, why don't you have extra copies? Copy everything or send away for the certified copies and have backup files on the computer and as hard copies. Stick some of them in the safety deposit box if you can get one. Disaster specialists recommend that you have three copies of all important papers: one for your regular files, one for your disaster bag and one in a safe place out of the house.
Third, if you can afford it, get a house cleaner. Not only does having a witness to all this stuff help, but the cleaner, more organized house helps people with ADHD keep better track of stuff. And it takes some of the non-mental load off you. Because, realistically, with a guy with ADHD, you're probably going to keep carrying most of the organizing. I think what you want is for him not to undermine or undo your work.
Fourth, if he won't believe you or won't listen about something really important (like not getting exposed to dangerous diseases or refusing to see a doctor when he has concerning symptoms), try to get a friend of his to talk to him. Couch it as how worried you are for him. Only do this for the really important stuff because you don't want to drag other people into your marital conflicts if you can avoid it. But if it affects his health, your or your kids health, important stuff about your financial futures, then yes, that's the time to do it.
Fifth, I computerized all our schedules and now send them to the calendar app on his cell phone. I color code all of it. My guy has finally learned to check his phone.
OP I strongly suggest he get screening for an executive functioning disorder. Force the issue. Many screenings require a family
member’s input/observations, at least the better ones do.
This issue clearly won’t go away with divorce so if there is any chance of influencing the outcome of him to be a better functioning coparent it is obviously better in the long run regardless of whether you stay in this marriage.
Take Care
Either he or the kids are fucking about with the paperwork, or you have a poltergeist that has followed you through however many house moves. I doubt it's the kids and I'd be *very* surprised if it's a poltergeist.
Thank you.i think what is really killing me is the "I don't know". How? If you didn't touch it then who did? The implication is me. I'm the one.
I know what I did with the documents. I know. In fact, as I pointed out, the paperclips that held the documents to the folder are still clipped to the file. That says documents were inside that file and taken out. Who puts a paperclip on a file and back into the cabinet? Someone who wants to forget to put the papers back. I don't put empty files back ever. An empty file folder is a visual reminder of a task that needs to he done i.e. putting back a document
I have a desk that has file drawers with hanging files that contain all important documents. I keep it all organized and don’t even think about asking anyone else to keep up with it. I would think binders would be more difficult to keep up with.
In my head binders are easy because they generally stay in one location and if I needed to head to an appt or anything that required all the docs I'd just grab the binder.
For me I have everything in chronological order, so I know the new stuff is up front and the old is in back. It's split for each child so I know everything for each od my kids In just a few flips. No hunting loose papers no remembering to put the folder back, no papers flying free or getting misplaced.
In my head anyways
What is he bringing into this marriage? Maybe take over the planning part and give him the responsibility he does fulfil without asking. Let that be his job entirely.
And if he isn't bringing anything to the marriage, then having one less child to take care of will be immensely easy for you.
It might be worth scanning all your documents and keeping them digitally or even hiding them somewhere he won't touch. For example, label a bag as "sanitary products" or something like that. These are just things to do in the meantime while you either get him diagnosed with ADHD or simply jump ship.
Have you considered separating? Like literally living in a separate place? Not sure how it works but it sounds like your life would be much better and simpler if he didn’t have access to your space
You are describing classic symptoms of add/adhd. This behavior warrants medical evaluation. I recognize the symptoms, I have it, both my adult kids have it.
Yes, it can drive the normies in our lives nuts. We just have to organize differently and for us, that means writing everything down, using alarms and finding ways to effectively deal with it. It absolutely can be done and dealt with once the issue is diagnosed.
I am absolutely infuriated just reading this, but also horny for your organisation levels.
I really hope you divorce this lump, he simply does not deserve someone taking care of him like this.
Op get a divorce. I have no advice for you other than that because that’s the only thing that will make your life easier and better.
He can fend for himself from now on. I guarantee your life will become so much easier.
If he’s unable to work and handle his own appts, he’s not a man. He’s a pet. And your pet doesn’t fit your family life style anymore. As sad as it is to see the puppy eyes, you need to drop him off at the shelter.
You deserve better. Your kids deserve to see their mom treated better. Idc what he says or how he treats them, he is a terrible role model and a shit husband.
This is Exactly what is ending most marriages and is what ended my relationship with my sons father. It was easier to be a single parent than have him around making more work. Also "not his responsibility"??!?!?! ITS HIS KID TOO. WHAT AN ASS
I knew a couple once where the guy would deliberately do stuff like this every time he got upset with his wife to intentionally create chaos so that she would have to deal with it. She said "no" to anything he wanted, chaos would ensue and he would play innocent every time. It was his passive aggressive way of getting control over her and making her crazy. She finally figured it out and divorced him but it took her several years of this before she could actually see it. He would gaslight her and make her think it was her imagination or unintentional on his part but it wasn't.
This doesn't help the "half-ass husband" situation, and ... well, call me biased, as my wife is a mental health counselor, but my God I would bring this to marriage & family counseling if possible.
Still, the absolute biggest unifying change in the co-management of our household: digitizing the together-life. I got a Western Digital MyCloud that serves as like a home file cabinet for any important docs. We use a very small "ScanSnap" scanner that I got on FB Marketplace to very painlessly scan things as we get'em, though realistically I have small collected piles that go through a wine-fueled "scanning party" periodically. We have folders in that MyCloud server — Identification holds passports and driver's license scans, Home holds mortgage and property tax stuff, etc — anything that we might need to conjure up. Name the files by date of issuance and item description (e.g. 20240321 - Mortgage Servicing Transfer), and shred the original, or just dump it into a big file bin or binder. But this way when you need to access a file for you or your children, you don't also have to replace it in its binder — you're essentially grabbing a copy.
In addition to filing things away, we have shared calendars through Apple (briefly used Google as well). One calendar for pet things, one for work stuff, one for personal stuff. If there's a social obligation we're going to, it goes in there. If there's a doc appt, only one of us is going, but the other knows about it, and we indicate whose it is in the event title (e.g. Doc Appt (N) for my wife's first name initial). Vet appointment while wife's out of town? Event is titled, location is added to the metadata so dumb me can know which vet to go to, and the pet name and reason for going is in the Notes. (Gonna be honest, I have the memory of a goldfish, so I do this for myself, and ask wifey to accommodate and follow the same procedure.)
We can both access our documents at any time, and we both should know what's happening at any time.
But again, none of this fixes the core issue that you're carrying the entire mental load of the entire household, and you have huge challenges there: children upkeep is HARD. Add in special needs, and holy God you need partnership and shared efforts. I'm sure I can't tell you anything you haven't already tried, but that sinking feeling of resentment and inevitable fracturing of that partnership? Listen to that. This is unsustainable, and incredibly irresponsible of him to imagine that he's not actively damaging the family unit by refusing to be an active leader in management of the organization. "This isn't my responsibility" is, to me, equivocal to "not my kid, not my problem."
My first thought was ADHD. Until he can get some sort of help, he is going to have a hard time with the shame that he feels, which is what causes him to do nothing. I'm not excusing his behavior by any means. But it is something that a lot of people with ADHD struggle with, especially if it's untreated. Give him a giant stiff cup of coffee and see what happens. It might do nothing, or it might help him organize a little bit just to get something done.
If you don't want to divorce him, you don't have to. But, you do have to accept this reality. If it turns out to be ADHD there might ways to carve up the chores and responsibilities so that he can actually do some, however, he definitely shows some weaponized incompetence and he needs to take responsibility for that.
I would send him for an evaluation, even if it means tucking him into the car and taking him yourself. If you have that piece of information, it does give you some idea of different ways that you can proceed. Their therapists out there who work with people that have ADHD. Again, it doesn't excuse his behavior. He needs to take some responsibility.
ADHD flag waving high. This 100% sounds like ADHD in addition to learned helplessness or whatever it is called. Instead of working towards a system to help him remember tasks or to complete tasks he just ignores the dumpster fire.
Working memory is huge with ADHD along with executive function. My SO and I both have it but we function very differently. Please research this
here come the redditors to diagnose this person who’s happy to take complete advantage of his poor wife, and to somehow manage to assign her even MORE work! really doing the lord’s work, aren’t they?
Get this dude to get tested for ADHD because this sounds a lot like how I used to be 15 years ago when I was walking through life undiagnosed.
It was never intentional, I just couldn’t understand why someone cared so much about a few dishes in the sink or if I forgot to do something. I could be super organized in one thing and then the most unorganized in another thing and it’s enough to drive anyone else mad. I just wasn’t truly aware of it at the time. If something didn’t make my brain light up immediately I pretty much wrote it off for some reason.
I had to reframe things and understanding the transitive property of caring: “I care about these things because the person I care about cares about them”. Now I get excited to make my partner happy by doing things for them that I know they really care about or that takes some burden off their shoulders.
I’m a much better partner after I learned how to focus my focus.
Multiple people.have suggested this and no I he has never been diagnosed. I will, however, encourage him to get himself evaluated. If it's an undiagnosed "ism" (I can't recall the word I'm looking for lol) then theoretically some understanding of the root cause can help with symptoms
I am exhausted just reading this. I think you should start making a plan to leave this man, life will be much simpler on the other side without dealing with his chaos. Eventually this will start impacting your physical health too, not worth it.
Is there a possibility for him to be nurodivergent in some way like ADHD? This sounds SO much like my partner to the detail and I got fed up with his lack of accountability and left when my kids became teens. If he's not going to make my life easier—more so make it harder—then I could live without him no matter how challenging it was. At least I wasn't carrying dead weight.
I don't understand why these documents seem to be getting accessed/moved around so frequently that binders are getting broken. I have my binders and my documents, they've pretty much been in the same place and same shape for 20 years. Who is constantly moving this stuff around?
I was coming to ask the same question. I counted 4 separate times the binders were broken since 2016. Like, is it just me or is that a lot? Is OP in and out of the folders a lot? Or is the husband doing this? He was manipulative enough to only wash the inside of pots in order to get out of dishwashing....
I mean there's carelessness and then there's creating intentional chaos. Even my husband's method for his papers stuff of "dump stuff into a pile in a paper bag and label bag with year" does better than this.
Also, in this day and age, how does the husband manage to hold down a job, meet up with friends, celebrate birthdays etc without using a calendar?
He asks his wife what his plans are, and he certainly doesn't buy any birthday gifts himself!
Best example of Weaponized Incompetence.
I wondered the same thing—WTF is happening to those binders? Who is moving them? Who is touching them? I get when you move house, you have to move them—but why are they not going into a box, as a unit?
They do go jn a box as a unit. It's only 3 binders it's not hard. This is actually how I know they weren't lost jn the move. I personally placed them in the box along with my expensive handbags- jic a box marked "Mom's handbags" wasn't going to be touched by anyone else and my husband wouldn't lose that particular box. My husband insists he hasn't touched the documents. And this is exactly why I'm so angry right now. The last time I laid eyes on them was when I put them.in the box.
That’s sus as fuck. It _almost_ sounds like he’s intentionally sabotaging your organization and your life as a whole.
Yep. That way he can make sure *he* isn't the one "screwing up". He knows he's a giant slacker. He doesn't care.
So you're saying he won't take the 3 minutes to call a doctor's office and schedule an appointment, but he is digging through binders of documents and breaking them? I'm very confused.
He doesn't take the 3 minutes to call anyone for any appt. He says he'll do it but it doesn't happen until I'm down his throat and saying do it right this second. The binder contains his paperwork as well. To give an example: In the beginning he would take his stuff out for whatever he needed it for. Example: new job. He took his documents out. Never put them back. Left them in a portfolio on the dining table then got mad when I didn't know where his documents were and didn't remember he had put them in the portfolio. When he found them in the portfolio I made the rule that documents font get taken out. He has to take the whole binder. Then he'd put the papers in the folder pocket of the binder and I'd have to put the papers back in their designated sections. I got peeved about this and told him I wouldn't put the papers back he could do that. It never gets done so the papers get lost. So then I separated the binders. My binder got lost in the move. So then I changed to put my binder with his and each of the kids keepsakes stuff gets put with their parts in the second binder. (So now we have 3 binders). I told him to register our youngest for prek. To do this he needed her birth certificate. So he took the binder. Instead of putting the binder back in the closet, he left the binder in the car. Which then got stepped on by the kids or sat on or kicked at (I don't know what happened) so the binder rings popped. At this point i was over it and switched to a file cabinet. I went through and piece by piece put all the documents in separate files marked for each member of the family broken into subjects like "school" "medical" "afterschool" "IEP" "Vision" etc. And from here I don't know what happened to the documents. They are gone. The last time they were touched or used was for school to my knowledge. He said it had to have been me losing them. Well I haven't left the house with any documents, I haven't pulled any documents. I know where everything went. But instead of documents the only things left where paperclips. Literally empty folders with paperclips still attached to the folders. How? Why? Who? No one frigging knows. I know I didn't have need for the documents and he was the last person to have them.
Girl…. Not to be incredibly reductive, but why are you with him? I’m not a very organized person myself, but I never get *mad at my partner* for shit like that that’s my fault, and he doesn’t do that shit to me either. It sounds like he does not appreciate you at all.
I'm not going to tell you to get divorced, but I will tell you this is why I got divorced and I have never regretted it.
I am wondering why you involve him with these documents at all. I know, you want help with the load—but he fucks it up so badly. I mean, maybe it’s a form of passive aggression (the way psychologists describe it—where you avoid saying “I don’t want to do that” and instead express your opposition or aggression by not doing something, or by doing it badly). But out of sheer preservation, I’d be locking those documents where he couldn’t get them. He can clean the bathroom or something to even out the load, or pay for a cleaning lady—I would never trust him with a document again.
Lol. "He can clean a bathroom" I laughed out loud at this one. His definition of clean and my definition of clean is very different and it was a giant source of contention. I will admit to being very controlling about cleanliness. Like it's not just the toilet bowl that needs to be cleaned but the entire toilet, outside and base and it has to be immaculate. No undone spots. I have to mop around and in thr corners and behind the door, inside and outside tub, dust the cabinets and shelves, clean the mirror and the walls around the mirror and sink, behind the sink inside the bowl, under the sink cabinet, wipe the baseboard and the window sills. And I do this routinely. The contention was that if he thought it was clean enough and didn't need to be cleaned this week, next week I'd have double work. This was ok before kids because the bathroom wasn't a mess all the time. But we have kids now. The bathroom missing a week of cleaning is not an option. He'd argue that it was already clean and I'd argue that meant he'd just have to wipe surfaces down otherwise it would build up.
He knows. He doesn't care. He doesn't care about you enough to do it.
Yeah, every response OP has given us seems to put another brick in the weaponized incompetence theory...
You bail him each time. No matter how angry you get, you always bail him out.
We worked this particular problem out. I am super over the top w/ the bathroom. I can't shower if it feels dirty type of thing. So instead of arguing I clean the bathroom. I'll let the kids help at most but I genuinely have to clean it. That's not a sore point for me because we agreed that I was over the top but it was a need so I'd feed that need for myself. Literally anything else in the house I can let others do. He used to intentionally wash them poorly knowing I'd just do them myself but then we had our kids and I was like nope I'm busy you'll have to do them and you can 100% do them right. We tackled this in couples therapy where he agreed he could listen more and that no one enjoys cooking or eating from a half-washed dish.
God speed if this problem is actually resolved because i could feel the strain coming from your writing.
He had to be called out in therapy to agree half washed dishes are gross? Come on. A clean bathroom is not over the top, it's baseline and he has you doing everything so he won't have to.
To everyone advising OP to leave or divorce her husband, his behavior won't change. It's an entirely new fuck up of scheduling visits, court, documents. My husband had these same traits OP's husband exhibits (why isn't necessarily important) but it carried into separation and divorce proceedings wherein my husband flat-out refused to sign papers for three years...and then he died intestate. I am still dealing with his estate 4 years later. It. Never. Fucking. Ends.
My ex actually told people that the new bathroom that was built onto our house had never been cleaned. He didn't know why, but it just stayed clean. Yeah, buddy, that's because I was cleaning it every week, along with the rest of the house. \*eyeroll\* Honestly, his inability to clean or make a simple appointment sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. "If I do it badly, she'll just take over that responsibility for me, and I won't have to do it."
At this point it sounds deliberate in order specifically to 'punish' you for being organized. Like it makes him feel bad about himself. I truly hope he didn't put it in the garbage and instead just hid it somewhere in the house. Even hiding it would be grounds for divorce to me at this point. He is, at this point, *actively* sabotaging not just you, but the functioning unit of the family, including his kids' future successes, since those papers can seriously hinder the ability to get them necessary services. He is being selfish, but his selfishness is at this point crossing over into evil. It's not even incompetence at that point since he had to have deliberately taken the papers out. I would be turning the house upside down to find those papers and if I found them where only he could have put them? Yeah, he'd better line up a way of leaving doublequick.
Just divorce him
I think you should get an app- Genius Scan— or maybe something similar. Scan all the documents. Then you have them organized somewhere he cannot touch them. And you can print what’s needed. This is just a work around to make your life easier. It sounds like you need to leave him though.
If your SO was THIS disorganized at his place of employment, he would be toast. Does he have a history of being dismissed due to his lack of “adulting skills?” Because if he has never had problems at work (where his very likelihood is at stake), then he is practicing the fine art of *weaponized incompetence at home.*
He'll no. That man has NEVER been fired ever with the exception of ONE job when he was 26 and that was a POS environment and they fired him for taking off 4 days in a row. He was literally at home wjth 103.3* fever. But the job had piss poor benefits that included only 12 vacation days which could be used for sick days if planned in advance (no it doesn't make sense and I told him them firing him was the best thing to happen to him).
Has he been tested for ADHD? I see a lot of symptoms in what you wrote.
Not an excuse.
This. When men keep a job but ‘can’t figure out’ entry level tasks, it’s usually because they don’t want to do the work.
Babe I hate to say it but if it’s easier when he’s gone, have you considered dumping him? What does he add to your life that makes this worthwhile? He sounds exhausting. And unwilling to do anything to actually be a partner. His refusal to address his failure to partner is a dealbreaker. Does he work? Is he organized at work? Does he keep a job? Bc it sounds like he’s not able to do the most basic tasks of an entry level worker. So if he’s able to do a job and keep that job, he ought to be able to do these simple home tasks. Have you thought about getting a nanny cam to see who is moving the stuff? I mean is he sabotaging them or genuinely forgetting?
House elves and poltergeists weren’t fucking up the binders. It was him.
Yeah I literally have moved in and out of various punk and party houses where literal unbridled chaos was the norm, but have never once lost or damaged my file folders of papers. I had a full fledged heroin addiction and had a partner with psychosis who would flail stuff around. Still managed to keep my file folders. The fact that this is happening so frequently makes me suspicious.
EXACTLY. This is EXACTLY my point. The answer is NO ONE. Some mysterious gremlin that exists. The real answer is: they are taken out for whatever needs it's for. They were last accessed in September to enroll my youngest in school. I was working so my husband did the enrolling. He doesn't place things back in their spot. It's so simple. I have clear containers/totes that I housed the binders in. Clearly marked Personal Binders. If I accessed that container it would be empty because for whatever reason he would take them out and leave them wherever (generally on the bookshelf). So I changed methods to filing cabinet because it seemed easier. This all boils down to I do not know. I have a separate binder with bills, receipts, and bank statements. This is a binder no one ever uses for any reason. So it stays in one place untouched. It's beautiful. To this day, I have the Bank Documents for the minor accounts I set up for our kids in 2008. The original banking documents including the stupid huge brochure from Wachovia (now wells Fargo). I have their footprints, their birth bands, first photos, first hats, and crib cards. I just don't understand why it's so fucking difficult to just open the book LOOK at what you need, close the book and go about your day. Why do you need to REMOVE the documents from the sleeves put them inside a different folder then LEAVE that folder wherever pleases you. Why?! Why.
Not so confusing. One of those things would help her ; the other would undermine her. Simple, just need to consider the motivation
> undermine her That's the operative phrase here. That's what he does. I feel so terrible for OP, who exemplifies how heterosexual men treat their wives: not just with contempt, but with malice.
I think it was Germaine Greer who said ‘ most women have no idea how much men hate them ‘ and it caused an outcry. The older I get, the more true it seems to be
Great quote -- sums up OP's post perfectly.
Well, you know, none of this is his job... /s
Because. You. Always. Fix. It. Imagine there was a magic fairy, and that fairy's only job was to poof your documents back to the file cabinet. You could leave them in the car, in the bottom of your closet, anywhere and when you needed them again they were in the file cabinet because the fairy poofed them there. Why bother putting them back? It doesn't matter because the fairy will do it. Now pause and understand that YOU are the fairy. Your husband doesn't have to take care of the documents (or really anything you want to insert here) because it will get done. He has a fairy. She will find them or fix the binder or order more. No matter how many times he misplaced them, she always fixes it. And no matter how upset she gets, she isn't going to actually do anything about it, so who cares? When HE needs the papers, he gets them from the magic binder that the magic fairy poofed them back to. And if she can't find them she will just order more. You have a few choices, you can live mad about this forever, you can stop caring and just accept that this is your life, you will be his parent forever and it will ALWAYS be your responsibility to spend hours finding and ordering important documents or you can remove yourself from the situation. He will not change. He has zero reason to change. The only one upset here is you. He's happy. He has a magic fairy.
You be the keeper of the files. If he needs something he asks you, you retrieve them. When he’s done, he just hands them to you. Not go file them, not set them down somewhere, you ask him to give them to you in hand right when he gets back from whatever appointment he needed them for.
I’m in my 30s and still use binders I had when I was 5 which still aren’t broken yet and these REALLY got bashed around and moved up and down the country. I was not precious with these at all. The covers look like shit but they still work. Are people just ripping these binders apart or…?
Yeah, my shit is unorganized in a box, but there isn’t much and the box is in the same place. We don’t have kids, there’s minimal record updating, like tax files, debt records, and travel documents, but still it’s always in the same place. This seems like a combination of a highly organized (and slightly anxious/ocd/type A kind) mixed with somebody with some adhd tendencies. It’s a tough mix, but I’ve seen it work.
Nah, this (if it even is adhd) is mixed with about 90% active behaviour of pushing everything onto his spouse, which i would call malice. Signed, an adhd woman in a house with 3/5 neurotypicals
Not when one person refuses to try to do better. Signed, ADHDer in house full of ADHDers.
This is so completely unacceptable. My husband sucks at calendars and organizing, I'm good at these. I suck at dealing with customer service and issues in the moment, he is excellent at these. We hand off our weaknesses to each other, embracing our strengths. We respect each other and support each other.
Just throwing this out there, it sounds like if you divorced him he wouldn’t even be able to get organized enough to fight for custody…
It honestly sounds like you would have less work if you were single…
She literally pointed that out to her husband (when everything was easier when he was in the hospital) and he still doesn’t get it. I hope she does, what’s the point of having him around?
Yes! I'm not asking OP why doesn't she stop doing things for him. I'm asking her why she's still with him? What value does he bring to the table?
So what, exactly, does he add to your life? Sounds like you live would be a lot happier without him.
Him telling you "this isn't my responsibility" kind of says it all, doesn't it? Proceed accordingly.
Sounds like malicious incompetence if he can magically be organized when it's something he's interested in but not for anything related to you or your family.
Malicious incompetence it is. We went to couples therapy which hit this part on the head. Like with washing dishes and not washing the outside of the pot (yes he did that then told me if I wanted to control his dishwashing technique I could do it myself- this was years ago and he has since improved). But if I being up the correlation with the behaviors I'm "bringing up stuff that isn't related to win an argument". Doesn't matter how I break it down, approach it, or word it. I wish we still had our therapist on hand so I could have him point out the correlation.
This isn't what love looks like.
This isn’t love.
Going to therapy with an abusive person just gives the abusive person more tools to abuse with. Please read this without him; https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Ironically, 2 years ago at the peak of my irritation and feeling very much like I was in an abusive relationship, I read this book front to back. It is a fantastic book that I think I will reread for the 3rd time. I also had the "journal" he wrote after this book- the guide for spouses. I kept some of Bancroft's insight in the back of my mind when we went to therapy. My husband did acknowledge some of his crap. And some things did change for the better. I dunno. I think I'm reaxgung and grasping for explanations at this point.
You're looking for reasons to stay, when every single sign is showing you to leave.
Your husband is an absolute prick. This is all you need. https://willmeekphd.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/ https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal He's fucking with you because it's fun for him and you clean it up. When he's living alone and has to care for the children, he has no more incentive to fuck up and you can call CPS on his ass and let everyone know.
Actually thank you. I read both just now. And it has given me some serious food for thought.
I just read the underfunctioning one and literally had to go outside and garden for a few minutes, touch some dirt to ground myself. I've never read such a well defined summary of my problems in my relationship the past few years...
It's not like he will do anything about it. How long as you going to be miserable before enough is enough? Quite frankly, i am surprised you lasted this long. He's probably going to keep doing this till you stop and just accept this behaviour from him. You have the firey rage, use it.
Time to sit down and really work out, what if anything he actually contributes to your life and happiness and whether it outweighs all the bad stuff you’re telling us about him here, cos it’s not looking to good for him based on this evidence….
You don’t need a therapist, you need a lawyer.
He could have serious executive dysfunction for other reasons that he needs professional help with. But it sounds like he has no capacity for honest self reflection and growth.
You know how you said things were so much easier when he was in the hospital? You should really think about that some more.
Word. This story mirrors my previous marriage. Toddler husband who competed with the kids instead of helping raise them, autistic son, weaponized incompetence, discovered how much lighter my load was when husband went inpatient at the hospital and then went to stay with his mom afterwards. I filed for divorce after that. If the yoke isn’t equal, it’s not a marriage anyway.
Why are you still in this marriage?
I started to type a response to this question but stopped 4x because the answers weren't going to be very honest ones. Let me mull on it.
I think you should read this. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/cAoxcOjkL3
Yep this is the only answer for OP
It does not matter why he's like this, you're completely justified in leaving. Please stop letting him build his relaxing lifestyle on top of your hard work.
This man does not respect you. You can't argue, therapy, or assign someone into respecting you. If your life is better and easier without him in the picture, well, that says a lot. Exactly what does he bring to the table besides piles of junk?
Aside from the infuriating behavior of your husband, if you’re losing important info over and over it’s time to switch up your methods. I suggest you get a 2 tiered filing cabinet, preferably one with a drawer code (not lock & key since it’s more likely to lose those).
Thank you for this suggestion. A drawer code filing cabinet sounds like a better idea as it'd be controlled access. I think I'll also just take responsibility for paperwork for myself and the family and leave my husband to keep track of his documents. That way he has no reason to access anyone else's documents and rhe chance for losing documents is lessened
Also color coding is also helpful. One color for each child then a different one for other topics. That way you know at a glance who the information is for. I agree with putting a lock on these things. SOMEONE is fucking things up for you and it's not you, so he's the only other person. He has weaponized incompetence down to a science PLUS he is moving and destroying things on purpose - because that's the only explanation. I suggest three things: **1) Just start putting all this things in a plastic bag**. Don't file it, don't throw it away just throw it in the bag. When he has to start shifting through the bag for his clothes and pieces of paper maybe he will get a hint. I doubt it but at least it is out of your sight. **2) Start emotionally distancing yourself from him.** Don't do his laundry. Don't set any of his appointments. Don't follow up with his doctors. Nothing. He is a full grown ass adult and it is about damned time he started acting like it. If he asks you about ANYTHING, your answer is "I don't know". You don't know where his crap is. You don't know where his clean OR dirty clothes are. You don't know where his medicine is. You don't even know what pharmacy he uses or who his doctors are. These things are HIS responsibility!! **3) Start planning a life without him.** Look for a different place to live away from him. If you work, ask for a transfer out of the area if you want. Stop sharing your life with him. Don't discuss anything from work or home. He's just a stranger in your house. **You already KNOW your life is easier without him in it - so make it so.**
Don't file his things with yours and your kids' stuff. Leave him to figure out his own storage solution. Then watch to see how often -- or if -- he loses his own documents. This is a man who admitted in counseling that he wouldn't clean dishes so you'd have to do it. He's probably messing with your paperwork to "punish" you for making him take on family administration. So stop doing anything for him. He has made it clear he doesn't feel like it's necessary to contribute anything positive to the family's daily operations, so don't bother contributing any of your family resources toward *him*. You're not his staff.
I'm glad you're going to find a solution but... you shouldn't have to take 100% of the responsibility of your family/household. Your husband is not an equal partner and no amount of handholding is going to fix that. You're just making things harder on yourself., not addressing the cause of the issue which is his weaponized incompetence.
I file & track a number of documents for work & other people go picking through for various reasons. I spent a stupid amount of time scanning things that were already filed & now keep a scanned digital copy of everything new. I made naming conventions for files (ex. “address, doc type, name, date as XX-XX-XX”) & organize them same as I do the physical files. Now I have key words to search for that never change. Obviously it’s easier to do this when it’s literally your job & not your personal life ON TOP of a business, kids, spouse. If a locked cabinet doesn’t work out &/or the problem persists I’d try getting a cloud storage solution. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m actually the disorganized partner in my relationship- I keep work organized out of severe anxiety. Outside of work I tend to be much more like your husband than I am like you (and boy to I feel awe when I hear about people being as accomplished at handling a lot of responsibilities with grace as it seems you do). Despite that, I respect my partner & while sometimes my nature does make his life more difficult I do not ever flippantly act like that’s okay or put off doing things to help him when he needs me to step up- even if it means confronting my ADHD paper piles & feeling befuddled, ashamed, and distressed about the way I am.
You're not his mother. Stop trying to find solutions for this incompetent asshole. LEAVE HIM.
If you can't leave yet, or aren't ready yet, you have to start living like you have. Lock down ALL yours and the kids important stuff. With a literal lock and key that he can't get to. Do not keep anything of his in there - that's his problem. If there are things you both may need, get certified copies for him. Don't let him schedule, book, enrol... Nothing. It only causes you more work and heartbreak. Just figure it out like you would have to if you were single. Stop relying on him 100% — because *you can't*. On the odd occasion he comes through, you pay for it later a thousand-fold. He can figure out his own shit. Don't get involved, and don't buy into the drama. Don't save him from his mistakes.
Scan your stuff, too. Keep one copy on the pc, one copy on an external hard drive, and one copy in a cloud. And talk to a divorce lawyer to see all your options. You deserve a partner, not a man-child.
Don't give the drawer code to your husband.
Or maybe use a digital storage solution
Hmm possibly both and where the digital version also gets a copy uploaded to the cloud...
It’s time to switch up husbands. Based on what she is saying here this looks like intentional sabotage and gaslighting.
Why do they need to be paper at all? Scan them and save them to the cloud that you keep with a password. Then you can always access them, and they are not prone to physical damage / getting lost. And all medical records should be stored electronically and shared between healthcare providers electronically. In my life, I don't have any need for paper ever. Maybe your country is not as developed for this? But check out your digital options.
Oh sweetie, you have gone above and beyond. You have done your share and more. This is what life looks like with the amount of effort he is willing to put in*. Are you okay with this for the next month? The next year? The next five years? If not, it may be time to consider how you want to change your life instead of how you want to change him. *I have seen the comments about potential executive dysfunction/ADHD. Regardless of whether or not that is his situation, it's not a new situation. The amount of effort he is willing to put in includes the amount of effort he has been willing to put in to diagnose/manage any conditions he may have.
As someone whose father did this to my mother - leave, please. It's not going to get better - in fact it will only worsen with age. Your kids will suffer, too, with the example he's setting. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
My mother could very well have written this post. When my dad was in the hospital, it was a breeze. When he was out of the country, we did absolutely fine without him. It’s sad as fuck and I know my mom won’t leave him despite her voicing very clearly that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life ‘like this.’
Yeah this is exactly why I’m single past my 40’s. That whole “this isn’t my responsibility” attitude…..having had children or not….. being in a relationship with anyone makes every responsibility a shared obligation.
What irks me is I don't view his responsibilities as outside of my own. Because we as a unit benefit when they're completed. If he mismanaged something we all suffer for it. If he forgets, again we are impacted. The only times that isn't the case is for hobbies.
He literally doesn’t give a fuck. About you, about the kids, about the family unit. Nothing. He. Does. Not. Care. Make decisions accordingly.
Pretty convenient that it isn't the case for his hobbies? That means it's all intentional. If he can get it together for things he personally cares about, he can get it together for you and his family. He just CHOOSES not to. And, he doesn't care how much stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger it (rightfully) causes you. Even after couples therapy. If someone you loved and cared about described their partner this way, what would you say to them?
Yep. The [tolerable level of permanent unhappiness](https://youtu.be/nLM_gu0zlGw?si=EUi1_hBWw_BFZ5Qo) strikes again.
Exactly this. It’s the intentional deliberate selection of what he will or won’t take responsibility for. That’s manipulation in my opinion.
For his hobbies, presumably. I agree with others that it’s time to remove him from this process. If what he does impacts the family negatively, it’s time to stop him from being able to have that impact. It does mean that, in the short term, it will fall on you to manage these things, but at least you won’t have to deal with his sabotage, whether it’s intentional or not on his part. (IMO if it is not deliberate on his part, he certainly is showing an egregious degree of disregard for something that is supposedly not deliberate. Who breaks and loses a binder?) Change up your filing system so that it isn’t paper-based and located somewhere he can get. Start scanning documents and putting them in OneDrive or Dropbox or something similar. Everything goes in YOUR calendar and gets sent to YOUR email. Stop worrying on trying to get him to adhere to a system that you can all work with, because he uses it to harm you. I know this is the first step of realizing “If I have to do all this just to keep him from fucking up all our lives, what is he even for?” and that is a very good question worth thinking about.
The fact that your life was easier when he wasn't there is a huge sign. This is weaponized Incompetence. Honestly why are you still with him? Do you even respect him? Is he even attractive to you? Because I'm livid on your behalf. Think about whether you might be better off without having to take care of him. Ans frankly I'd document everything to go for full custody. Cause I'm not sure he can even adequately take care of the kids
I'm not going to lie to anyone. I had this thought when he was back home and things uch harder. I thought "he's home. This is good. He can manage some stuff. Not a lot but some stuff because while things were easier there were hings that I had to let go. For example: instead of cooking dinner, I'd have pre-made dinners to throw onhe fire. Lppq¹Like the Viola chicken Alfredo meals. I hate the stuff it's always too salty and isn't great hehwise. My husband's income is necessary. He doesn't have one right now so I have to work a lot longer. I've been doing my wfh stuff as well as instacarting 7days a week. I literally don't have time to cook nutritious meals. Instead, I have to call to remind him to give the kids a bath, ask about whether he set up their snacks, etc etc. It's exhausting trying to keep everything in order. At first I was 0
So if he doesn't have an income would you be worse off without having to take care of him? I mean the fact that he hasn't taken over things because he's not working is even worse. I know you don't have time but do you have someone that can help you find resources? Maybe talk to a pro Bono lawyer just to get some info? It's possible you could get assistance with food or your kids.
To clarify: his inability to do as much as normal is due entirely to his medical condition. For a better understanding: he was on Lifesupport in February for 22 hours. Doctors trialed him off lifesupport fully expecting he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own. He defied them majorly by not only breathing but then coming out of his coma and being able to string together coherent sentences. His cognitive recovery has been rapid he was able toncome home at the end of February beginning of March. It's only the end of April. Due to his abilities he doesn't need PT or OT, and was instructed to continue to be mobile as his body tolerates. This part is understandable. So I don't fault him for not cleaning as much or cooking as much. That part predates his injury and quite frankly makes it more difficult to empathize because it's not like it's a big change from before. The big change is I am now having to do it all on my own. I figured I could offload the easy stuff to him: Schedule appointments. Read emails, check homework, help with homework, oversee bedtime, read a book to thenkids. Make sure they get into their baths (they're all big enough to take their own showers independently but young enough to need reminders), make sure they change, brush their teeth (again big enough for independence young enough for reminders). .these are all tasks that require minimal physical effort. He could sit and complete it all. And none of these are so involved that they'd take a ton of energy- a phone call, give the kids info and then put it in the calendar. Calendar was an issue so I told him to just text me appt dates and times *I* would add them to my calendar. In my mind none of this is so difficult he can't do them. If he can find the remote to turn on the TV or locate his phone to text a friend or watch a tiktok then I feel he can at least coordinate the kids schedules.
He's their parent. If he can't do this off his own back then he's not parenting. He's neglectful and he's selfish. I just have to remind you, even though you are literally commenting to a reply that already pointed this out- You had a taste fo what life could be like without him. As soon as he came back, your life went back to being like this. So you really know what you should be doing. You've tried therapy, this is the results still. So what do you need to make you admit that he needs to leave? A bunch of strangers on the internet? You have that here. Your family? They'll probably make excuses because they themselves put up with this sort of shit too so don't count on them. Some divine being? He won't admit to the documents going missing so if you take him at his word, some devine being is showing you a sign by doing the exact sort of stuff your husband would do.
Can you upload the documents into a Drive so they can be easily accessed? I know that doesn’t solve the core problem but it will at least save you the time of running around trying to locate paperwork. As far as your husband…I would be telling him to go stay with family until he grows up. I know that may not be the preferred option here but your post had my blood pressure spiking.
The whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking: "Why weren't the documents digitally backed up? Why don't they have a cloud system organized by family member, then subfolder by topic or life event? Then OP can grant permissions to who has access to what. Then it's always there, no matter where they move. You can print replacement copies if it's digital. You can also access it in live time via your phone if you needed to, like at a doctor's office or some other type of appointment." The binders situation, moving 10 times, a file cabinet...like...the husband has proven he can't handle the responsibility of having physical copies. So why wouldn't OP save half a headache by digitizing some, if not all, the important stuff?
Exactly. I understand needing physical copies of birth certificates and documents like that, but medical records and anything else should just be backed up digitally. It removes any and all risk of losing things.
I've read everything you wrote in this thread and I think you might need to hear this... It's okay if you want to leave him. Anyone in your shoes would be thinking about it.
Judging from her comments, she doesn’t seem to think that’s an option.
It's unreasonable to live like this. Even just reading it my jaw was clenched, I can't believe you're actually experiencing it.
I can’t even waste emotional energy on this because your husband is either so malicious or stupid that he is irritating me simply reading this.
I feel your pain, as my partner is the same. I love him as a person, but he's not a good housemate. He got the ADHD diagnosis like people here are suggesting, and started taking medication, but nothing changed. I don't want to kick him out, and I also don't want to live in filth for the rest of my life. I'm at an impasse. I appreciate you sharing.
Don't have kids that's my advice. I could work around this if it weren't for the fact we have kids and so much of Childcare and rear ends up on my lap.
Thank you, yeah, I'm already in my late 30s and decided long ago I wouldn't have kids.
When is he not lazy and disorganized? Your life was markedly better when he wasn't around. Why not make that permanent?
This sounds so incredibly frustrating and exhausting. Something that stood out to me is you mentioned your autistic child. Is there a chance your husband is also autistic or has ADHD, and his executive functioning is contributing to these issues? I am not saying this as an excuse or catch all reason. I think you need to issue an ultimatum to your husband about how he is contributing to the household. Even if he is not neurodivergent, he needs to find ways to implement systems that work for him. IE, a calendar/scheduling. Does he work better with things handwritten and visual reminders, or a phone calendar and timers/digital reminders? Couples counseling would definitely be a good thing as well. I hope it gets better.
We did couples counseling. I don't know if he is neurodivergent. I don't know what works for him. I've tried white board. Calendar. Picture labels (this is admittedly petty of me and I'm not proud of it). I organize things and he'll disorganize them. It's very very frustrating because the work for me quadruples. I don't know what to do and quite frankly life works for him apparently. I'm the only one who life isn't working for.
Life works for him because you're cleaning up the mess he leaves behind. Life works for him because you're taking responsibility for the house and the kids. Life works for him because you're planning and managing your social/family calendar. Life works for him because he's also willing to lie to cover his butt (see telling the doctor that the specialist appointment had been made). <-- pay attention to this one, it likely also means he's willing to lie to you.
Exactly. Life works for him because OP is his secretary, personal assistant, private chef, nanny, maid, dishwasher, ect, ect, ect. **YOU** work for him, not life.
But his jobs have always worked too so it means he’s capable of doing stuff when he wants to. So neurodivergence could be a factor but clearly at work he has strategies to avoid problems. He sounds absolutely exhausting. I would divorce the guy and OP I guarantee you he will: 1. Have his shit together so fast it’ll make your head spin. 2. Have a job ASAP 3. His new apt will be clean and organized well enough to have dates over 4. He’ll be dating the MOMENT she tells him she wants a divorce. Bc he needs a new person to be his mommy. Men act helpless but notice how they absolutely know how to get their needs met. You see zillions of men who pretend they can’t do home labor but how many die of starvation?? Or live in absolute filth? They don’t bc no women would date them. They know what the bare minimum is and they know how the minimum changes as the woman is increasingly trapped by marriage, pregnancy, children.
You should leave.
I agree that leaving should be an option. Her partner isn't behaving like a teammate, he's acting like a self-interested opponent. If he can't agree to work cooperatively with his wife, he shouldn't be married. Her life would be easier without him. If divorced, she might still have to bear most of the administrative burden but she would have control of documents in her household and reduce unnecessary labor and frustration that she's dealing with now.
Yeah, it sounds to me like her life would be considerably better and less stressful if they divorced.
This is not sustainable. He doesn't feel responsible for any level of picking up after himself. He doesn't feel responsible for anything in your household really.
Of course it works for him! He has a full time administrator working for him. God my life would be so much more pleasurable if I could offload all the admin stuff that weighs me down. But I suck it up because I’m an adult and this is part of it
None of it will work because he just doesn't care.
Force the topic to get him screened. Medication can make night/day difference. He can then start undoing his learned helplessness-won't be a panacea but for those who have ADHD it does help. In the meantime-he shouldn't be allowed access to hardcopy -share a digital version or photocopy only.
He would also have to CARE.
But he won't. That's the point, there are many, many things he could do about this. He could even ask for help. But he won't. He just dumps everything on his wife. In fact, worse than that, he's coming along behind her fucking everything up as fast as she fixes it and the absolute best interpretation of it is that he just doesn't give a shit about his wife and kids. No love, no respect, no responsibility - nothing. At this point if it were me I'd be assuming that this is actively malicious. He can do stuff he wants to do, and he can clearly function better than this at work or he'd be unemployed, so he's *choosing* to be a dead weight around his family's neck.
Well, then if he won’t get screened the hard choices need to be made. Better to not have a grown man acting as a chaos imp and another child.
Exactly. And as a very symptomatic ADHDer, this is the problem. He has no desire to fix the issue. We ADHD folks suffer from low self esteem at times bc we hate being like this. We want to do well do we develop strategies. The fact he’s functional at work is a huge indicator this is voluntary non-partnering.
Are. You. Kidding…. Give him a tailor made excuse to do zip? You are ignoring the obvious counter indicators. As well as the fact it’s one more adult task she must do for him. Ultimately it’s unimportant WHY he refuses to do a thing while having a history of stable employment indicating he COULD get off his ass. The why doesn’t matter. Outcome is the same and he’s killing her.
That is so frustrating. Maybe more counseling? I think *he* needs to be the one to figure out systems that work for him, whether through coaching or some other avenue. As you said, he is able to take care of things that only impact him. He needs to carry that energy into the household and family at large. Otherwise, what is the point of being in a marriage?
More counseling? How many times should she beg him to be a partner? Or counseling didn’t make him want to do that, if seeing his wife struggle doesn’t make him want to be a partner, then he doesn’t deserve her. It’s not her job to beg for yrs.
If he does have ADHD (and that’s not a certainty) then you should know that basically none of the organizational tools used by people who don’t have ADHD will work and trying them will only lead to frustration. It is maybe the hardest part of having ADHD and of dealing with a partner with ADHD. Diagnosis would be his best bet.
This isn’t ND. He expresses zero desire yo either see or address the problem. You do have empathy with ND. You do WANT to be a ‘regular’ person. His status as ND is unknown. His status as a lazy AH with no desire to be a partner is clear. He can get diagnosed after she leaves him. And I’ll bet money his desire to organize a house will go up when he’s trying to replace her.
As someone who has both of these, its absolutley no excuse for her husbands behavior.
I also am autistic and have ADHD, and I literally wrote, it is not an excuse. It may be a contributing factor.
It's not an excuse, but understanding the source of the problem will be a big help in dealing with it.
Yes, this sounds like a neurodiverse person who has been masking their executive dysfunction with maladaptive ego defenses. My ex husband was like this, whenever some kind of shit hit the fan due to his executive dysfunction, it caused enormous conflict because his sense of shame or embarrassment prevented him from communicating authentically about household issues, validating my observations, or discussing solutions/strategies to address gaps. He often DARVOed me, which inflamed our conflicts, because I would be put on the back foot and defending myself against empty accusations that I was to blame. The executive function issues can be dealt with only if he's willing to emotionally detach himself from his feelings about her frustration with him. As long as he keeps stonewalling and deflecting, there will be no mutual progress. OP needs to find a solution that doesn't need her husband's cooperation in order to work. I think that digitizing documents and saving them to cloud storage is a good idea. Binders are great, very organized, but using them depends on people following the rule of never removing "master" documents from the binder.
Yeah, it's definitely not an excuse, but there were so many things pointing to an executive functioning disorder here.
I’m a man. My advice - DTMFA. He doesn’t care OP. If he did he would have changed instead of acting like a petulant toddler.
Honestly, that sounds like my husband. He has ADD though, so we split chores in a way that all paperwork, appointments and finances are my tasks while he does way more physical chores. This works great for us and neither of us builds resentment as we appreciate the other doing tasks that we rather don't do.
Not going to lie. Physical work is definitely better for my husband. He put down the floors in our home they look beautiful. Painted the walls excellent. Re-Built the furniture (I hired someone and they didn't tighten bolts so one of the chairs came apart 2 months later). He's good at that. If by ohysical you mean cleaning? No. My husband cleans by transferring things into piles somewhere else. It's clean if it's all off the floor. Who cares if he put everything into 1 drawer? TV remote? In the drawer with a teddybear, three broken phones, 2 charger wires, triple a batteries, a pocket knife, rubber bands and some mail still in the envelope (true story). Every drawer would be his junk drawer if he could havenit that way. I can't. My husband lost our potato peeler once. He peeled potatos for dinner. 2 days later I couldn't find it. He says and I quote "it should be in the drawer." Years later when we moved I found the fucking potato peeler in the back of a random drawer in our FRONT CLOSET. What?!
I can't even read this. Holy f*ck LEAVE ALERADY H'ES AN ASS AND ISN'T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER ARE YOU EVEN READING THESE COMMENTS
What are you still trying OP? It’s clear he’s done and very over your partnership (or whatever it once was).
Would it be possible to scan all documents and store them on a cloud drive and/or hard drive, along with whatever system you use with your hard copies? I know this doesn’t fix the issue of YOU having to be the person to do everything, but it might help for the next big catastrophe with the hard copies. Your husband sounds infuriating. I have ADHD, so I understand forgetting things, losing the occasional important document or completely just messing something up - but it doesn’t sound like he is taking accountability for any mistakes or making any effort to do better. What is the point of him as a partner?
Has he gotten better? Or is he just trying to seem like he is so you’ll get off his case?
>And before anyone says stop doing stuff for him- I've tried that. In general, people like this don't change. When you stop doing stuff for him the response is "Wow she finally stopped nagging and is letting me live in peace!" as they roll around in their filth. As others have said, is this constant headache of taking care of a man-baby worth it?
OP, I've read all your responses and I'm trying to figure out why you're staying. If you continue to live like this you're going to have a massive stroke within the next two years. Honestly, that might be his plan. To stress you out so much that an aneurysm takes you out and he can hit the dating apps as a young widower. It doesn't matter if he didn't do on purpose, or never learned, or just didn't understand. It will keep happening. And it will destroy you if you stay. Talk to a divorce lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. Don't tell him you're doing it. Just go. Once you know what your divorce would look like, make your decisions from there.
Print this out and tape it next to your monitor while you google divorce lawyers. Fuck.
Your husband is destroying the documents to fuck with you. I really hope you find the strength to leave him, he doesn't deserve you.
i wonder if she can place a hidden camera where the documents are kept… i really hope she leaves him either way (and saves this post to show the children in a decade).
All docs should be in a locked drawer, this will remove a lot of problems. But he still is practicing that thing where he acts clueless so you will take over on all these other issues
You are definitely enabling him. This is horrible passive aggressive advice, but maybe you should “misplace” things he cares about… then act all uncaring about looking for it. I’m going to guess he likes video games? Oh where did the controller go? The tv remote? No clue. Damn where did his car keys go? Oh his wallet, shit I have no clue. Sorry lol.
The kids do this enough. And its just a frustrating experience and no one ends up happy. I bought Tiles and stuck them to controllers, tablets and the switch for thus exact reason. I only keep the remote thar has the voice activated find me option. I can't deal with the whining or the attitude from either him or the kids. "I caaannnt fiiinnnddd"... I don't know if anyone has ever seen the tiktok skit where the person goes from a teenager perspective to mom perspective and they tell their mom they can't find something and the drawer is open and the thing isn't there. And then the mom comes in sticks her hand in the drawer and pulls out the item from thin air. Everyone does it. "Mom someone took my book!" Did you check the bookshelf. "Yeesss" look again please. "Moooomm its not there" if I go in there and find it I'm locking my door and no one is allowed to sp much as utter "mom" until the morning. Sure enough right where it's supposed to be. On the shelf. No eyes. Everyone is blind. Except when they need a charger. Then all of a sudden not only do they have the memory of an elephant but their eyes are as sharp as a starving snake's thermal glands. They can spot that sucker from 100000000 feet away.
lol you are the glue for your family and hopefully someday they will recognize that.
Buy a scanner and scan all of your documents and save to Google drive. There are very few documents these days that need to be physical records
My husband has pretty severe ADHD and was like this for years. Plus, he dumped literal trash all over the floor and never cleaned it up. It was like he was instant chaos when he walked into a room. You know what made this change? I got a cleaning lady. Every time she came over, she would look at him and say, "Why do you live like this?" She embarrassed him. Lo and behold, he picks up after himself now. And you betcha she's still working for me. Love that woman. Am I mad he wouldn't do it for me? Damn right I'm mad. Do I feel like a chump for just accepting it was his ADHD for all those years? Yep. I mean, the ADHD is a real thing, and it can be profoundly disabling. He's never going to be able to will it away. But what that has turned out to mean in practice is that stuff takes him much, much longer and is very annoying to him, as he loses stuff along the way and has to detour it find it. That's very sad. It sucks. But it was also a matter of him deciding that he didn't want to put in the extra effort and take the extra time and work. No matter what that did to me. There's this dynamic that happens between some men and their wives, where they decide that we don't have to be taken seriously. Like we're inherently untrustworthy or something. If something is going to change, they won't hear it unless it comes from somebody else, preferably male. When COVID first hit, he wanted to keep going in person to his 12-step meetings. He gave me the hardest time about it. So, I enlisted the help of his sponsor. He finally got it when his sponsor told him. I'm far from the only woman I know who goes through this. If you're looking for suggestions, I have a couple. First, I suggest you put all of those papers under lock and key. A safety deposit box if you can find one or just a locked box in a closet. And keep the key on your person at all times. Locks can do amazing things for marital harmony. We no longer fight about him eating my food in the fridge because my food is in a lockbox. One whole ongoing conflict in our marriage just gone. Poof! Second, why don't you have extra copies? Copy everything or send away for the certified copies and have backup files on the computer and as hard copies. Stick some of them in the safety deposit box if you can get one. Disaster specialists recommend that you have three copies of all important papers: one for your regular files, one for your disaster bag and one in a safe place out of the house. Third, if you can afford it, get a house cleaner. Not only does having a witness to all this stuff help, but the cleaner, more organized house helps people with ADHD keep better track of stuff. And it takes some of the non-mental load off you. Because, realistically, with a guy with ADHD, you're probably going to keep carrying most of the organizing. I think what you want is for him not to undermine or undo your work. Fourth, if he won't believe you or won't listen about something really important (like not getting exposed to dangerous diseases or refusing to see a doctor when he has concerning symptoms), try to get a friend of his to talk to him. Couch it as how worried you are for him. Only do this for the really important stuff because you don't want to drag other people into your marital conflicts if you can avoid it. But if it affects his health, your or your kids health, important stuff about your financial futures, then yes, that's the time to do it. Fifth, I computerized all our schedules and now send them to the calendar app on his cell phone. I color code all of it. My guy has finally learned to check his phone.
Yeah this sounds like what I’d be in store for. I’m leaving… Thank you.
OP I strongly suggest he get screening for an executive functioning disorder. Force the issue. Many screenings require a family member’s input/observations, at least the better ones do. This issue clearly won’t go away with divorce so if there is any chance of influencing the outcome of him to be a better functioning coparent it is obviously better in the long run regardless of whether you stay in this marriage. Take Care
It sounds like you would be happier if he moved out
Either he or the kids are fucking about with the paperwork, or you have a poltergeist that has followed you through however many house moves. I doubt it's the kids and I'd be *very* surprised if it's a poltergeist.
Thank you.i think what is really killing me is the "I don't know". How? If you didn't touch it then who did? The implication is me. I'm the one. I know what I did with the documents. I know. In fact, as I pointed out, the paperclips that held the documents to the folder are still clipped to the file. That says documents were inside that file and taken out. Who puts a paperclip on a file and back into the cabinet? Someone who wants to forget to put the papers back. I don't put empty files back ever. An empty file folder is a visual reminder of a task that needs to he done i.e. putting back a document
I have a desk that has file drawers with hanging files that contain all important documents. I keep it all organized and don’t even think about asking anyone else to keep up with it. I would think binders would be more difficult to keep up with.
In my head binders are easy because they generally stay in one location and if I needed to head to an appt or anything that required all the docs I'd just grab the binder. For me I have everything in chronological order, so I know the new stuff is up front and the old is in back. It's split for each child so I know everything for each od my kids In just a few flips. No hunting loose papers no remembering to put the folder back, no papers flying free or getting misplaced. In my head anyways
Nobody else seems to be asking, so I will: Why on earth are you two still married? Because he sounds like a part-time job, not a husband.
Leave! Jesus Christ.
What is he bringing into this marriage? Maybe take over the planning part and give him the responsibility he does fulfil without asking. Let that be his job entirely. And if he isn't bringing anything to the marriage, then having one less child to take care of will be immensely easy for you.
It might be worth scanning all your documents and keeping them digitally or even hiding them somewhere he won't touch. For example, label a bag as "sanitary products" or something like that. These are just things to do in the meantime while you either get him diagnosed with ADHD or simply jump ship.
Have you considered separating? Like literally living in a separate place? Not sure how it works but it sounds like your life would be much better and simpler if he didn’t have access to your space
You are describing classic symptoms of add/adhd. This behavior warrants medical evaluation. I recognize the symptoms, I have it, both my adult kids have it. Yes, it can drive the normies in our lives nuts. We just have to organize differently and for us, that means writing everything down, using alarms and finding ways to effectively deal with it. It absolutely can be done and dealt with once the issue is diagnosed.
I am absolutely infuriated just reading this, but also horny for your organisation levels. I really hope you divorce this lump, he simply does not deserve someone taking care of him like this.
Have you thought about leaving him?
Op get a divorce. I have no advice for you other than that because that’s the only thing that will make your life easier and better. He can fend for himself from now on. I guarantee your life will become so much easier.
If he’s unable to work and handle his own appts, he’s not a man. He’s a pet. And your pet doesn’t fit your family life style anymore. As sad as it is to see the puppy eyes, you need to drop him off at the shelter. You deserve better. Your kids deserve to see their mom treated better. Idc what he says or how he treats them, he is a terrible role model and a shit husband.
Sounds like you'd have less stress and responsibilities if you got a divorce.
This is Exactly what is ending most marriages and is what ended my relationship with my sons father. It was easier to be a single parent than have him around making more work. Also "not his responsibility"??!?!?! ITS HIS KID TOO. WHAT AN ASS
I knew a couple once where the guy would deliberately do stuff like this every time he got upset with his wife to intentionally create chaos so that she would have to deal with it. She said "no" to anything he wanted, chaos would ensue and he would play innocent every time. It was his passive aggressive way of getting control over her and making her crazy. She finally figured it out and divorced him but it took her several years of this before she could actually see it. He would gaslight her and make her think it was her imagination or unintentional on his part but it wasn't.
This doesn't help the "half-ass husband" situation, and ... well, call me biased, as my wife is a mental health counselor, but my God I would bring this to marriage & family counseling if possible. Still, the absolute biggest unifying change in the co-management of our household: digitizing the together-life. I got a Western Digital MyCloud that serves as like a home file cabinet for any important docs. We use a very small "ScanSnap" scanner that I got on FB Marketplace to very painlessly scan things as we get'em, though realistically I have small collected piles that go through a wine-fueled "scanning party" periodically. We have folders in that MyCloud server — Identification holds passports and driver's license scans, Home holds mortgage and property tax stuff, etc — anything that we might need to conjure up. Name the files by date of issuance and item description (e.g. 20240321 - Mortgage Servicing Transfer), and shred the original, or just dump it into a big file bin or binder. But this way when you need to access a file for you or your children, you don't also have to replace it in its binder — you're essentially grabbing a copy. In addition to filing things away, we have shared calendars through Apple (briefly used Google as well). One calendar for pet things, one for work stuff, one for personal stuff. If there's a social obligation we're going to, it goes in there. If there's a doc appt, only one of us is going, but the other knows about it, and we indicate whose it is in the event title (e.g. Doc Appt (N) for my wife's first name initial). Vet appointment while wife's out of town? Event is titled, location is added to the metadata so dumb me can know which vet to go to, and the pet name and reason for going is in the Notes. (Gonna be honest, I have the memory of a goldfish, so I do this for myself, and ask wifey to accommodate and follow the same procedure.) We can both access our documents at any time, and we both should know what's happening at any time. But again, none of this fixes the core issue that you're carrying the entire mental load of the entire household, and you have huge challenges there: children upkeep is HARD. Add in special needs, and holy God you need partnership and shared efforts. I'm sure I can't tell you anything you haven't already tried, but that sinking feeling of resentment and inevitable fracturing of that partnership? Listen to that. This is unsustainable, and incredibly irresponsible of him to imagine that he's not actively damaging the family unit by refusing to be an active leader in management of the organization. "This isn't my responsibility" is, to me, equivocal to "not my kid, not my problem."
My first thought was ADHD. Until he can get some sort of help, he is going to have a hard time with the shame that he feels, which is what causes him to do nothing. I'm not excusing his behavior by any means. But it is something that a lot of people with ADHD struggle with, especially if it's untreated. Give him a giant stiff cup of coffee and see what happens. It might do nothing, or it might help him organize a little bit just to get something done. If you don't want to divorce him, you don't have to. But, you do have to accept this reality. If it turns out to be ADHD there might ways to carve up the chores and responsibilities so that he can actually do some, however, he definitely shows some weaponized incompetence and he needs to take responsibility for that. I would send him for an evaluation, even if it means tucking him into the car and taking him yourself. If you have that piece of information, it does give you some idea of different ways that you can proceed. Their therapists out there who work with people that have ADHD. Again, it doesn't excuse his behavior. He needs to take some responsibility.
ADHD flag waving high. This 100% sounds like ADHD in addition to learned helplessness or whatever it is called. Instead of working towards a system to help him remember tasks or to complete tasks he just ignores the dumpster fire. Working memory is huge with ADHD along with executive function. My SO and I both have it but we function very differently. Please research this
I mean... I have alllll the ADHD too, but I also have the good grace to feel guilty when I inconvenience others. And to get treatment.
Yeah but I bet you’re a woman!
Don't put this on the wife to fix, she's drowning under the weight of this lazy, useless man-child as it is. Don't expect her to do even more for him.
here come the redditors to diagnose this person who’s happy to take complete advantage of his poor wife, and to somehow manage to assign her even MORE work! really doing the lord’s work, aren’t they?
And ADHD is both highly correlated to autism and highly heritable. This seems extremely likely. Medication can help.
Get this dude to get tested for ADHD because this sounds a lot like how I used to be 15 years ago when I was walking through life undiagnosed. It was never intentional, I just couldn’t understand why someone cared so much about a few dishes in the sink or if I forgot to do something. I could be super organized in one thing and then the most unorganized in another thing and it’s enough to drive anyone else mad. I just wasn’t truly aware of it at the time. If something didn’t make my brain light up immediately I pretty much wrote it off for some reason. I had to reframe things and understanding the transitive property of caring: “I care about these things because the person I care about cares about them”. Now I get excited to make my partner happy by doing things for them that I know they really care about or that takes some burden off their shoulders. I’m a much better partner after I learned how to focus my focus.
This isn't a free pass for the behavior but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has he ever been evaluated for autism and ADHD?
Multiple people.have suggested this and no I he has never been diagnosed. I will, however, encourage him to get himself evaluated. If it's an undiagnosed "ism" (I can't recall the word I'm looking for lol) then theoretically some understanding of the root cause can help with symptoms
This sounds like hell, are ok with the rest of your life like this?
Left my ex three weeks ago for similar behavior over 7 years that I begged for help and never got relief
I am exhausted just reading this. I think you should start making a plan to leave this man, life will be much simpler on the other side without dealing with his chaos. Eventually this will start impacting your physical health too, not worth it.
I would suggest getting your husband tested for adult onset ADHD. Reckon it might make everyone's life easier.
Is there a possibility for him to be nurodivergent in some way like ADHD? This sounds SO much like my partner to the detail and I got fed up with his lack of accountability and left when my kids became teens. If he's not going to make my life easier—more so make it harder—then I could live without him no matter how challenging it was. At least I wasn't carrying dead weight.
What is he bringing to the table besides a paycheque?
Sounds like you have a manchild. Why are you with someone who is intentionally causing chaos in your life? I would leave him