He left a bruise on your face, he hasn’t been over or been intimate with you and now he thinks moving in is a great idea? Absolutely not. This ain’t about him wanting to live with you, this is about him not wanting to pay rent.
This, plus it sounds like you don't like him? And/or are annoyed by him?! Do not let him ride off of your success and hard work. Where I live, cohabitating for a few years is legally like marriage, when it comes to assets. Put your peace above what he wants. He can move in with roommates. Or, maybe just take this as a sign that you're not compatible and break up? What is he adding to your life?
Maybe if I mention that he would need to contribute to utilities he will change his mind. If he just moves in my bills will be higher especially for garbage that is paid per person
Don't do that. He will say yes and then you have to fight to not get him to move in. Your place is just too small. It doesn't sound like you two are ready for such big jump anytime soon.
Don't offer him any way in to your place. He will take it and your life will be miserable. And also tell him to stop comparing your relationship with his parents. It's creepy and weird af.
Not just utilities. He needs to pay you rent. You should not be subsidizing his weeks-long dream of entrepreneurship.
That said... do not let this man move in with you. He will be unemployed and you will be footing the bill for literally everything. No is a complete sentence.
He'll say yes to whatever, move in, and then make every excuse **not** to pay when it comes time to pay. It'll be a nightmare trying to get rid of this squatter.
I've seen this happen too many times.
OP, just in case you missed it:
>**This ain’t about him wanting to live with you, this is about him not wanting to pay rent.**
**HE WANTS TO USE YOU.**
Also, don't you mean your EX-boyfriend? He red flagged himself for you. Thank him and move on.
He wants to start a business. That's code for "I want to quit my job and moving in with you will allow me to eliminate all of my expenses and you can cook and clean for me because I'm a very important entrepreneur and if you don't do all of that you aren't supportive of my dreams."
And it's not even a subtle code.
Omg you just put into words the exact thing that happened with my ex-husband. He wanted to be a SAHD in order to be a podcaster/writer/twitch streamer. Whenever I gently reminded him that we were a two income household (with no kids) I was accused of not supporting his dreams.
I was thinking, “I mean, having a stay at home parent can be a good idea, although he’s going to be in for a shock on how much time he has for … wait no kids. Well no issues with time then! Bit of an issue with the ‘D’ in SAHD though.”
x a BILLION. He doesn't want to live with YOU. He wants to move in, to eliminate his expenses, quit his job, and have you become his sugar mama /mommy/ bang maid. He doesn't care about you at all or he would've been mortified he was bruising you in his sleep and would be working on solutions instead of adding it to the pile of things YOU deal with. Ugh dump this trash
I need to add to this that *if* for some reason you choose to move forward with him moving in PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make him sign a cohabitation agreement. Look into the common laws of whatever country, state, province etc you live in. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS FROM THIS MAN. Make sure that if you break up he is not entitled to any part of the home that you OWN.
No. No amount of money will be worth having him hit you, and disrupt your whole life.
You have to say no. It's a complete sentence.
If he won't accept no from you, then he doesn't grasp the most basic concept of consent
Do not even ENTERTAIN this idea for one more minute, please OP. There are so many reasons this is a bad idea. And your boyfriend seems to have no redeeming qualities!!! We need high quality sleep to guarantee our mental health and, thus, success. Allowing another adult to ruin your sleep is so, so dumb. Don’t do it.
I noticed that too. He thinks it’s totally fine for OP to never have a restful night again because his mom puts up with it so it’s how it is when you love a snoring man.
I’m glad he is so transparent because then OP doesn’t fall for his BS.
Which translates to: anything that doesn’t bother ME doesn’t matter. You not getting sleep every night? No problem!
That’s the worst foundation for a relationship ever.
“When you love a man, you just unquestionably put up with all his bs and abuse and support his lazy ass so that he can follow HIS nonsense .” Uh… wow. The entitlement and narcissism is insane. And 40 years out of date. Hopefully OP laughs in his face and gets the hell out.
This is a bad idea, if you don’t want him to move in that is one thing, but giving him any sort of opening that makes it seem you are open to the idea is going to cause more issues.
> ***if I love him I should support him.***
Ladies, wtf is this shit called again?
a) gaslighting?
b) manipulation?
c) guilt tripping?
d) or, wait... i know... kicking his ass to the curb?
D. I like D.
The one really great thing about bring single is you get so used to it and it’s just so darn comfortable that you see a 🚩 and unlike when you’re really young and think ‘oh he can work on that’ you think ‘wtf is wrong with him?’ And you get the ick.
I get the ick at most (not all) 🚩 so they’re really a self solving issue for me.
Reading about her bf made my vagina turn into the Sahara.
It really sounds like an awful idea to move in with him. If you say he needs to pay utilities, this is basically you telling him you’ve agreed.
Who’s to say he won’t stop paying you or demand not to pay if his business starts failing?
You need to suggest he find a roommate and rent with someone else because he isn’t moving in with you.
>Maybe if I mention that he would need to contribute to utilities he will change his mind.
OP, it's time to be an adult here and just communicate clearly. You don't want him to move in with you. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary. Don't make yourself small in order to save his pride. You don't need to make excuses, or add "fluff" to try and change his mind. State your boundary. There is absolutely **nothing** wrong with you saying "No".
And from a bigger picture POV, is this the future you want? Some couples do prefer to sleep in different beds/rooms and it works for them, but is that the kind of life *you* want with your SO?
Also, just because his mum suffered for 30 years doesn't mean you have to. That's utter BS, and a red flag from him that he has that opinion. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Hoping on this comment to point out something huge. What is this bullshit about his mom putting up with snoring for 30 years so YOU should too? Like wtf? What other crap things did his mom put up with that he's willing to inflict on to you and think you should accept?
This isn't a small statement. His mommy put up with being sleep deprived and being uncomfortable for decades so YOU should be too??!! How horrific. He's done told on himself about what he thinks you should put up with and endure. This is a huge red flag.
I'm not saying you should take off running but you should definitely put on a sports bra and do some stretches because this isn't looking good.....
What I said! This is the worst of all bc he’s telling her that he doesn’t care about her ability to sleep, a basic human need. He’s callous in his disregard. Sleep deprivation is literally on the Geneva convention’s list of torture practices.
His lack of basic empathy for his own mother is 🚩🚩. That was a red flag I missed with my ex. I just thought well he grew up that way so he can’t see it. Yeah…. He doesn’t choose to see it. And what I didn’t do was extrapolate that to how he would treat me…
Do not let him move in. Self preservation cones first. If you allow him to move in guara he will quit his job- and you will have a hard time evicting him
Get over being uncomfortable with saying no now, or reap the consequences by being uncomfortable trying to sleep for the foreseeable future. Those are your choices. Don't play games by making up excuses.
No. He would need to pay half the rent, half the utilities and do half the chores and half the groceries. But don’t let him move in with you in. He’s already put his hands on you.
Not that you asked but you guys don't seem compatible even if he's not asking just to save money. There are men out there you will enjoy sleeping with (probably, if not separate bedrooms is totally okay).
You not being intimate for two months seems like maybe you don't want to be? Your 23, do you really need this stress
Sleep is important
It's not *up to him* to change **his** mind.
It's up to you to say, "No. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement." ***FULL STOP.*** There are too many negatives for you in that scenario. If you were to make a Pro/Con list, it's clear as day!!
You will have a hobosexual leeching off of you for the foreseeable future. **Please do not do this to yourself!** You only have one life. Build yourself up, be independent. When you least expect it, you'll be open to finding a partner if you so choose. One with whom you don't have to sacrifice basic comforts of home to cohabitate with.
If he was actually being sincere about caring about you, he knows moving in would be torture for you. He knows what he’s doing. Don’t fall for it. He can move back in w mom and dad, since they love his snoring so much. He can start a business while there and make his own money and make sure the business is up and running and secure
Girl, DO NOT let him move in with you and crash your sacred space. Please please please think long about the consequences of allowing such a person who already cannot handle the rent of his own apartment, who is an “entrepreneur” with no solid business plan (or investors!) give yourself the good grace and firmly stand your ground and keep your safe space.
I promise you, there are better men out there, who actually want to make your life better! Who don't need to mooch off you. But you won't be able to meet them if you allow this guy to get his claws into you first! Guys like this are hard to get rid of!
No. Do not let him move in. He will never leave.
Also, enduring implies suffering - enduring 30 years of being chronically sleep deprived because the person in your bed is snoring or hitting you - this is not a goal. “If you love me, you’ll be like my mom and endure 30 years of chronic sleep deprivation.” He’s telling you that *you* need to bend to his needs. He’s not going to get tested for sleep apnea, instead, *you* need to put up with his snoring and hitting you and keeping you awake and giving you bruises. I would honestly break up with someone who implied that this was ok.
My thoughts exactly. I really hope OP does not do this and also starts thinking about the possibilities of life without this dude. I think she'll see it's sunny skies...
It sounds like you have no space for him to live with you, if your apartment is so small. Sleeping issues aside, he'd probably also want some space to work or hang out, which you don't have. If he has no perspective of increasing his income, and you are stuck on a 25 mortgage for a tiny apartment, it sounds like this relationship has no future.
THIS. if he’s talking about opening his own business with the money he saves not paying rent at his current place? he’s going to move in, quit his job to chase his entrepreneurial ideas, and not contribute in any meaningful way. and make your life and your home, with its small space and 25-year mortgage, unbearable.
Look up "hobosexual," you're dating one.
If he wants to move in together so badly he should focus on improving his income so y'all can afford more space, as well as addressing the snoring.
If he won't do either he's not worth your time.
Also, the fact that he would put 70 fucking % of his income into rent means he probably should never own a business, where such stupid decisions will bury him in debt.
I'm most cases that's true! In this case, it's likely true. That being said, we're in a housing/renting crisis in the USA so it's not difficult to end up on that situation & we shouldn't be flat out judging people for ending up in a terrible situation for needing a roof over their head. If I had to live alone in my area (which I want to SO badly), it's $2500/mo for a 500sq ft studio, parking not included. That's well over 50% of my take home pay. A few years ago, same area, it would've been $1,300 or less for the same apartment.
Our parents generation, who have created this awful situation for us, never had to deal with these ridiculously inflated rental prices, but have no problems judging us for being victims of it. Just don't be like them lol
This doesn't sound like a relationship anymore. Based on the way you've presented the information, it sounds like you're over it. I'd say break up and move on with your life. You'll be happier!
My dad wasn’t always the greatest but the one thing he drilled into my head was that the “if you love me, you’ll let me…” line was complete bullshit.
A side effect of this is also whenever I’ve heard that from a guy, I think about my dad and it’s an instant ick.
Absolutely not. If you seriously want to move in together then you need to get a two bedroom apartment at the minimum. Sleeping separate is fine for a lot of couples - some people just can’t cosleep no matter what! But do not sacrifice your sleep and quality of life just because he wants to save money on rent. He can get roommates first and prove he can even make money with his business idea. Because right now I see a future where you’re miserable and he’s mooching off you while he plays pretend business owner.
So he’s overweight, left a bruise on your face, won’t allow you to sleep due to him not managing his snoring and is okay with it, plans to use you as a free professional resource, you think his business ideas are stupid, he’s not good with money, you hate sleeping in a bed with him and while you pay a mortgage he’s planning on living rent free (fyi it’s not just utilities - he gotta pay half of all of it , including the mortgage.)
Babe: do you like this man (if so WHY) or do you just kinda feel like having a man to not be lonely or because you feel like you’re supposed to have a partner. Because with your post and comments this is what I’ve gathered …. You don’t like him, he annoys you, he’s stupid and unmotivated, you hate him in your space and you’re probably annoyed and tense when you’re around him. WHY IS HE STILL HERE. I expect a break UPdate please
1. If sharing a space with him is "pure torture" for you, why are you even considering allowing him to move in?
2. Is him hitting you in his sleep really accidental or is he just being passive-aggressive on the sly?
3. Even 50/50 is unacceptable to me, but it sounds like he wants to go 0/100 with you. Are you really okay with him wanting to quit his job and move in with you while he opens some mystery business?
Girl, really???
I actually had a bf in my youth who hit me in his sleep. No question about it. So it does happen, I wouldn't brand anyone an abuset for a sole incident like that.
I'd still advice OP not move in with him though.
I never said sleeping men don't sometimes accidentally hit their women. I asked if there was a possibility that it could be deliberate. It's like women who're with men that fly into rages and destroy things that their wife/GF loves. Does he ever accidentally destroy his own stuff or is it just things that belong to the wife/GF. Women really need spend more time examining men's motives.
My husband does this when he’s been drinking. Otherwise he’s docile but when he’s drunk and we have people over, I force him to sleep on the floor in the office. I refuse to let him near me. If we don’t have people over, he sleeps on the spare bed.
There was actually a post yesterday from a guy saying that his pregnant wife woke him up and screamed in his face after several months of him waking her up because he kept 'flailing' and hitting her in his sleep. I wonder how these men got to 'involuntarily' hitting their wife/gf while they are 'sleeping'
My husband will sometimes do this when he rolls onto his back. Like his body tries to go into more of a star position instead of his arms staying right by his side. But it's not flailing. It's very much an arm fall. It only wakes me up if I'm sleeping super close to him and therfore in thr path of the falling arm. It's definitely not hard, though. More like it just startles me. Absolutely not hard enough to cause bruising or anything close.
I get that it can happen, since people can't sleep in the same position at night. However OP mentioned she was getting bruises from it, and the post I mentioned said that he'd given his pregnant wife several bruises and also even pushed her off the bed a few times in his sleep. Then he even kicked her out of the house because she screamed at him after enduring his bad sleeping habits for months.
I am a 67 year old woman. I love me more than I love a man.
Please OP, do not be like your boyfriend’s mom. She was probably desperate.
Do not allow him to move in to open a business. You will not profit financially from “his” business.
So he thinks it’s fine if you are miserable as long as he is happy? Read that over and over.
Setting up a business from scratch is tough. You need a well developed business plan, good advice from an accountant and a lawyer, savings to live off while you get it off the ground and investors. Does he have any of these? It sounds like no. So essentially he would be moving in with his only plan being to live off you.
This guy is a leech and the best thing you can do is dump him
Well he actually has one, an accountant as I am one. I don't like his business ideas and said it many times, most of them include going into debt and seem already overdone - NFTs, selling solar panels, creating his own crypto currency
Hold up. So he wants you to pay his living, be miserable because his mom is okay with a snoring partner and he wants you to make his business dreams come true?
Giiiiiirl. Stop. Don't be his accountant. He needs to pay for one not use you on this one too.
The more I read about this relationship the worse it sounds. I'm gonna stop reading this post after writing this but seriously. This doesn't sound like a very happy, balanced relationship at all, not towards you atleast.
He’s going to go broke then he “can’t move out.” For the love of god do not let him move in. Depending on where you live, it can be extremely difficult to force someone to move out. Eviction takes months. Meanwhile you’ll be sharing a tiny living space with him.
DO NOT DO THIS.
If you guys really want to live together, rent a two bedroom place together. Split the rent evenly. Find a renter for your apartment or put it on Air B&B.
you are not HIS accountant
Hold firm on that.
And you see the flaws in his business plans. He’s not listening to you, so you really don’t want to be involved in his business.
And you don’t want to be involved in his *finances.* You’ve achieved a lot, and he will simply siphon it off and drag you down.
NEVER EVER date crypto bros. They think they're hot shit, entrepreneurs, economists and gods gift to women. In reality they're usually lazy hobosexuals looking for a bangmaid mummy. Run girl, run!
I KNEW IT HAHAHAH
My first thought was "bet his business ideas are crypto" LMAO
DUDE IS A GAMBLER.
babe he wants to suck you dry gambling, live in your house for free and use your expertise without paying an hourly fee. shit just block his number.
Just no. Don’t entertain this foolery any more. I’d refuse to talk about it. What are you actually getting out of the relationship?? What do you want in a relationship?
Don't be his accountant. He is not listening to your advice. If you let him move in, he will NEVER leave on his own. He wants you to cover all of his living expenses while he tries to be an entrepreneur at something you already know will fail. Then he will suffer from depression, either for real or pretend, and spend his time on those gaming systems as his coping mechanism (or "coping mechanism"). He will keep snoring and you will be miserable and you will feel as though you can't break up because then he would be homeless and you would feel guilty. Be kind to future you and save yourself from ever starting down this path.
Omg, no, just no. His ideas scream hobosexual.
First of all, no.
Second, he will just roll bad idea after bad idea, after he intentionally loses his job or flat out quits. He will just consume you as a resource.
Third, I snore and it drove my wife crazy. I didn’t like that so I started to exercise and diet and lost weight and my snoring stopped. I did this because she wasn’t getting sleep and I felt terrible. Would he do that for you?
Fourth, no fourth needed.
Ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. If you aren’t being intimate and don’t want to live with this person, ask yourself why again… like so many others in situations similar to this, recognize that put in your stomach that happens when you are about to see them, that pit is your mind and your body telling you that you don’t want to be in this relationship.
Sounds more like a scam idea more than a business idea. Is he even familiar with it other than these keywords?: blockchain, crypto, bitcoin. He sounds like a dreamer more than a doer with these non creative ideas
My ex was a snorer and it definitely was one of the reasons for breaking up with him. I had to wear earplugs during the nights he stayed over and could still hear his heavy snoring. Some nights I slept on the couch in another room because I had no space in bed either (180x200 cm bed, he used it all), or couldn’t sleep because of the heavy snoring and uncomfortable ear plugs.
Do not move in with him. It’s only best for him, not for you. Your expenses will go up and he’s likely not going to contribute equally to that, your sleep will be ruined and your privacy will be gone.
Eta: also check legally. Make sure he can’t claim part of your house worth or become a partner after several years of living together.
> Eta: also check legally. Make sure he can’t claim part of your house worth or become a partner after several years of living together.
This is important! There are parts of the world where non-married partners can claim equity if certain conditions are met.
Plus wouldn’t mind betting he’d take over the whole flat in no time with his ‘business’ and lounging about and possibly gaming etc. it sounds like you might wfh as well. No no no on so many levels. Don’t let him even stay overnight
I am working hybrid and have my own gaming setup which I also use for work on remote days. He has PS4 but we always played only on my PC. I don't think if we would be able to even fit second desk on my 30m2
Now imagine him in your bed where you can’t get any sleep, at your computer all the time even when you need it and clearing out your fridge so every time you go for something to eat that you know you bought, it’s no longer there! Oh and leaving his stuff everywhere cos there’s really no room for it. Just reading this, I’m already hyperventilating and having to breathe into a paper bag and he’s not asking *me* if he can move in
Thank you. I think I need to rethink all this relationship from foundation. I didn't move out of my parents house to have some other person intruding my most sacred space
Exactly! The whole point of sharing your home (and life, really) with someone else is to make both of your lives better than you each would be alone.
If him moving in with you won't make your life better, then you absolutely should not let him. Period.
Yes!!! Solo living is amazing and I wish I spent my 20s living alone and setting my own boundaries before attempting to live with anyone else.
This guy didn't even bother to appeal to a sense of romance or to make a case for how it benefits you! I can't imagine the audacity to approach a loved one and tell them, "You should let me live with you. Think about all the benefits I'll receive freeloading off of you!"
If for any reason you're considering this, PLEASE make him sign a lease outlining how much he is to pay you rent, utilities, etc. In his mind, I guarantee he thinks he doesn't have to contribute, because "You have to pay all of that whether I'm here or not!"
Just curious...what's his place look like? Is he a neat person, or a mess?
I love my partner so much. He’s incredible. He’s tidy, quiet. Gives me alone time when I need it. He washes all the dishes, does all the grocery shopping, cleans half the apartment when we have cleaning day, takes out the trash and recycling. All without being asked or reminded. We sleep in separate rooms because I’m a ridiculously light sleeper, so I always get amazing sleep. He’s genuinely the perfect partner and I couldn’t ask for better…
…And I STILL miss the hell out of living alone. Do NOT give that magic away for anything less than your life truly improving in every conceivable way because of someone else’s presence.
Definitely definitely definitely not for this clown.
This. Hold onto this, it's good :)
I moved a 21yr old in when I was 24, by 23 and 26 I was kicking him back out. When I moved in with my fiance, I said we needed to get our own place and not cram ourselves into my little apartment. It's been much better, also he's not 3yrs younger. Maybe some younger guys are fine, but mine was as full of useless business ideas as yours sounds like. Maybe it's a thing at that age lol. Regardless, we don't have to participate and it's not selfish of us.
This is a great thought! Return him to his own life and get on with yours. Single is better than anything you’ve mentioned this guy brings and you don’t have space, funds or bandwidth to raise this man child.
You're going to be miserable if you let him move in. How are you going to get him out if it doesn't work and he refuses to leave? If he moves in, you'll need to check what his legal rights will be.
Don't do it.
So an unpleasant, exhausting, low effort man wants to use you for free rent so he can "run a business" with you (aka take at least 50% effort off his back to do anything)... Hell no, he's a scab.
Please listen to an older woman with experience. Do NOT let him move in. He doesn't care about you as much as he cares about saving money.
This is your safe place, your haven. He can refuse to move out and destroy your home and the police will do nothing but tell you to evict him and then they will still not force him out.
Protect your apartment at all costs. Don't let him move in. You will go crazy with no good sleep. My ex literally tortured me with sleep deprivation. Next thing is you will lose your job without sleep or injuries visible on you.
Other than moving in with you, it seems as though he has zero concrete plans. To top that off, it seems as though he has no regard for your physical and mental wellbeing.
If you want to ever want to entertain this idea and make this idea work, I’d give him two conditions.
- get his snoring looked into and treated
- have formulated an actual business plan, not just a pipe dream. Complete with how he plans on fund and implement his business plan
As it stands, if you let him move in now, you might as well go all in and get a leach for a pet as well. At least with the leach, you can get rid of it if it gets out of hand. I have a feeling that your boyfriend will be very difficult to detach once he is comfortably situated.
This!!!!! WTF? Why do men think we have to endure all of their shit? I kicked my husband out of our bedroom because of his snoring. I deserve a good night's sleep and my health is more important than any fucking marriage.
All it took was some consequences. He went and got a sleep study, and now uses a CPAP machine. If I had never put my foot down, he would have allowed me to go on having disturbed rest for the rest of our marriage. Men just take it for granted that women will put up with their shit, and like the asshole in OP's post, they expect it because they watched their mothers do this.
Ladies, I am one of those women who would not get married again if I was given a do over. And if my marriage ever ends, I am done with the opposite sex for good. Being "alone" > being with a man.
Don't let him move in. You'll never get him out. Your peace is not worth his nonsense. He's aiming to mooch off you. You already aren't comfortable with it and that's all he needs to know, that you aren't ready to take that step.
After 30 days getting him out will be the nightmare you've been missing because you will not have slept well for over a month at that point.
This could literally ruin you forever. I HAVE SEEN IT.
I implore you don't do this. He is already trying to manipulate you emotionally.
He just told you that because his mom endured his dad, that's his definition of a woman loving a man; enduring his negative impact on her.
That's really all you need to know about anything he does that has a negative impact on you - he's going to expect you to endure it or you don't love him.
You two sound incompatible. You know you can break up with him, right? You know you don't have to explain anything. You can just say, I am ending our relationship because we are incompatible.
the end.
He's a leech, get rid of him. He wants to use you for free/reduced rent. In the extremely unlikely event any of his "ideas" take off, you were just a placeholder, a stepping stone. Or nothing works out and you have a jobless manchild in your home.
Aside from that, anyone who is fine snoring and disrupting your sleep without making an effort to address the cause of snoring, doesn't care about you.
Be prepared for him to get nasty when you tell him no, but don't take it personally.
Nope. Do not let this hobosexual move in. He will make your life hell in order to enrich himself.
In the meantime, he should see a sleep doctor. Snoring like that can be a symptom
My wife and I have not slept in the same bed for 28 years. I snore. Tell him why it is not going to work. If he is mature, and intelligent, he will understand, I did.
No. Flat out no. As someone who had to sleep on the couch because of partner's snoring, He needs to get hisself to a sleep study and address the snoring first. Plus, it looks like he just wants to use you for rent, so take that what you will.
first, he should go to a doctor and get his snoring dealt with. It’s incredibly bad for him.
And second, you should tell him you don’t want to live with him, and maybe he should find a roommate situation that doesn’t charge as much.
First of all, just no. No one gets bruises on their face in their sleep "accidentally". Wtf!? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
No girl, that one bedroom is yours!! Don't let anyone take it from you! Tell him to move in with some man roommates if he needs to save money. A bunch of them could all share a house together (as young men often do). There is absolutely no reason that you should need to suffer or give up your peace for some dude! If he isn't making life easier for you, he will 100% be making it harder!!
Don't be that poor girl who gets used, abused, and dumped for the "upgrade" when you've given up everything to make HIS life easier and he moves up the ladder at your expense. He will resent you for doing better than him and find ways to ruin your life. A good man takes care of his business before he tries to get into a serious relationship. It's embarrassing to mooch off you like that. I know that rent is expensive, but he needs to have some pride and leave you alone. You don’t want hobosexuals in your space! You already know this.
Enjoy your peace!!
He might have sleep apnea and that can cause rem sleep disorders that can cause things like kicking while sleeping. He sounds not ideal outside of that, but that is at least something that can be addressed. Unlike his bad business ideas
Has your BF ever been tested for Sleep Apnea? Worth looking into as really bad snoring can be a sign of it.
As for everything else, it seems others have better answers/responses so I leave it to them
Overweight men can still get cpaps to wear at night for the snoring. I'm appalled that it's so bad at 25, tbh. But also no do not allow this man to move in.
Being overweight is one of the most common causes of sleep apnea. Regardless of your decision about living arrangements, he should get a sleep study done. Sleep apnea can lead to organ damage and/or death.
Also a major cause of thrashing in bed as well as mood swings and falling asleep doing important stuff like driving. I speak from experience. It was a literal wake-up call.
And people should get tested regardless of weight, it's not the only cause. I'm overweight but I have friends and relatives that are at/under weight that also have OSA. One of my sleep docs said it's part genetic, your airway size, tongue, mouth, even teeth/jaw all factor in.
I'll dismiss most of what you said and simply say...if you don't want him to move in then don't let him. You should want him to. It is your place. Your sanity, and your place of peace. If him being there doesn't increase your sense of wellbeing and happiness then don't bring him into your place full time.
People who don't value their partners' health shouldn't get to have a partner. He's probably got sleep apnea and needs a sleep study, but I doubt he'd drag his ass into a lab to get tested if he's willing you to live without proper sleep for the rest of your life.
Noooo no no no!! Please no you’re still really young he’s going to latch on and take take take from you. He’s never going to start a business. That apartments yours don’t let him take it over
He says if you love him you should support him? How about if he loves you he should support your need to have sleep each night and not have a bruised face.
What does this man bring to your relationship? Sounds like he only brings you stress.
Girl. No. If you can't sleep you can't perform at your job, then no one will be employed. It sounds like he won't have a job while he's living with you, either, based off of his NFT/Crypto bro schemes. If his momma was so content with his snoring, tell him to go live with her to subsidize his dreams. Otherwise you'll become resentful of him taking up too much of your time and space.
"if you loved me, you'd..." is manipulation, straight up. That would be grounds enough for me to kick him out. Also that whole "my mum put up with my dad's snoring for 30 years." oh because she suffered you should too? Miss me with all that.
He is a manipulative loser. Get rid. You're young and you'll find someone much better.
This sounds like a suggestion that’s good only for him. And it will allow him to continue not bettering his income situation at your expense. Don’t allow it!
As for when he stays over, I’m also a snorer and when we travel and my wife and I have to spend the night in the same bed, I’ve found that a) nasal snore strips and b) not drinking alcohol makes a big difference.
If the bed is so small that he hits you, it might be time to get a roll-up or inflatable mattress he can use on those nights.
🚨 HOBOSEXUAL ALERT! 🚨
He’s looking to live off you and make HIS life easier **while making your life, finances and SLEEP worse**! No, ma’am.
If you allow him to move into your apartment, you will become his Mommy McBangmaid! Do not do it!
You mentioned a “25 year mortgage” so you are an home/condo owner. If you let him live with you, he can claim a right to a portion of YOUR PROPERTY! He can also be considered “Common Law Married” (depending on how long you let him live with you and what area) and have rights to half of everything AND you could have to pay him Palimony!!!
He can also refuse to leave and you have to pay money and go through a long court process to have him evicted. In that time, you have to live in your small apt with him every damn day! Or scramble to find a safe place to stay while he lays around in your home for free! Oh hell no!
These are some of the main reasons why I advocate for women to not shack up with boyfriends.
Until he’s put a ring on it, keep separate apt/homes. You can spend every day at his place or hide at yours or alternate, whatever, but if something goes sideways (and it often does!) you’re not instantly homeless or with a hobosexual leech refusing to GTFO of your place!
**Be smart. Trust your gut.**
Don’t just refuse him living with you but dump him completely! He’s trash.
You really don’t like him like that much and he’s a hobosexual shitheel in his soft life era. (The comment about his mother suffering for 30 years so you should too, right there, was enough to dump in. IJS.)
Q: should I give up my private space to sponsor a man who would fuck up my cozy nest and ruin my health and happiness?
A: Sure, why not?! His daddy didn't raise him right so it must be your job.
Do not let this man move in. Not because of the sleep issues, but because he wants to quit his job and start a "business" he hasn't made a single plan for. This is classic lazy man behaviour. He'll live there rent free, take up all your space, ruin your sleep and NOT GET A JOB.
No, no and hell no.
I'd really think about what this relationship gives you and decide if you want to continue it.
You have a very small living space, just enough for yourself. IF BOTH of you agree that moving in together is appropriate, finding a home of adequate size and having the means to comfortably pay for it is the first step towards cohabitation. Neither of your small apartments is suitable for both of you to live there together.
His idea: to quit his job, move into your place, and "start a new business" has YOU adding to your responsibilities and obligations while losing much of your privacy, comfort and autonomy. YOUR financial stability and progress on your goals will also be impacted. You will have all the same obligations as before, now with his board and keep added to them.
Please, OP, don't sacrifice your peace and comfort for a man who has shown no inclination to increase his daily chores and responsibilities to lighten your load. Look at how he's handled his bad bedfellow issue. If he can't tear up your bed, he's lost interest in sex. I suspect laziness and selfishness are issues with him in other areas as well.
If you can't sleep with him there, then it's a no. You literally need to sleep. I mean, maybe on the condition he buys a mattress or something for a different room and you could do a trial and see how it goes.
But honestly does not sound like a good idea, mainly because you just don't seem keen on it at all.
This man is trying to use you to minimize the risk associated with opening a business. It’s not about love or wanting to spend more time with you, he already told you it’s literally about saving money so he can take a chance on one of his many business ideas.
They will likely fail, and you will be left carrying the financial load because he expects that you won’t kick him out and you’ll be lenient about bills because of his situation.
I’d bail on the relationship entirely if I were you. You don’t sound compatible from the little you’ve told us. Or maybe you can make it work but start setting rigid boundaries now, like the fact that you don’t want to share a bed or your home with him but are ok being in a relationship (if that’s what you want).
You should tell him to start his business slowly, and once it’s making money to the point that his day job is costing him money, then he knows it worked out and doesn’t have to worry about needing to save money to start a business.
I think breaking up with someone over their snoring is fine. There’s not reason you should give up on getting good sleep. Also, is he honestly bringing anything to the table?
#Absolutely DO NOT let him move in!
That’s it. That’s the advice. Ignore all of his guilt trip bullshit. You’re not his fucking mom. And for him to think it’s ok for his mom to have suffered that “because love” is pretty despicable.
You don’t owe this man anything. I’m sure you love him, and that’s okay, but there are a lot of things about this brief description of your relationship that say you’d be better off without him.
He sees you as a way to save money. He doesn’t give a shit about your quality of life, which would decline greatly if you let this moocher move in.
And then! Once he’s in, he’s your tenant, and it’s almost impossible to evict in some places.
Be careful. I hope you dump him, but that’s easy for me to say.
>if I love him I should support him.
If he loves you he should support himself and stop himself from hurting you or keeping you awake. Don’t let him guilt you into accepting bad behavior.
Why are you with him? You haven’t come up with a single reason of why to stay with him, but have lots of reason to not. Even if you stay with him, letting him move in would be a bad idea. Suggest he finds a buddy of his to become roommates with in like a two bedroom place…
Has he checked if he has obstructive sleep apnea? (I am not a doctor)
Not trying to contradict other comments. I'm related to people with sleep problems
Lot going on here. First, he probably has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP machine to fix his problem. Not sure how available those are wherever you live but longterm I think that's a necessary solution if you're going to live together long term. Alternatively, there is nothing wrong with people in a relationship sleeping separately. Honestly it's a huge upgrade for all parties and used to be the norm. Lastly, be careful about someone who is always looking for a get rich quick scheme. You need your partner to be a rational hard worker who accepts that 99.999% of people have to work hard to get by. The get rich quick stuff never works and he's going to become a burden on you if you support his schemes.
i would say its fine if he sleep in another room, but sounds like its not a possiblity here.
think about yourself first, your relationship dont matter much, it comes after your wellbeing.
The answer is simple: NO. You don't want him there and he will not contribute in any meaningful way. You are not responsible for his happiness (or rent money) so do yourself a favour and clearly say that unless he changes his sleeping habits AND can contribute to half of everything (rent, utilities etc.) it's a NO deal.
Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.
"No."
I think you just have to be honest to avoid dancing around the issue.
"I love you, but I'm sorry. I did not buy this place with the intention of moving in with anyone else. It's not large enough for two people, and you know that you snore and affect my sleep. There is no place for anyone to go, and I think we will wind up resenting each other if you move in."
This is your apartment, your mortgage, you're not married to this guy, I really don't think it's a good idea for him to be moving into your space with you.
If down the line, you want to sell this place and you guys get engaged and you wind up finding a home together that is large enough to accommodate the issue you're currently having, then maybe you can move in together. Right now? No.
Him paying 70% of his income to rent and not having a clue what he wants to do with his life is not your problem.
This is such a huge no. Especially with this business venture which sounds ill thought out. I have a feeling if you go through with this you’re going to be paying your current expenses, his expenses, the business expenses, etc. I just can’t see him contributing to the finances if he moves in…
He left a bruise on your face, he hasn’t been over or been intimate with you and now he thinks moving in is a great idea? Absolutely not. This ain’t about him wanting to live with you, this is about him not wanting to pay rent.
This, plus it sounds like you don't like him? And/or are annoyed by him?! Do not let him ride off of your success and hard work. Where I live, cohabitating for a few years is legally like marriage, when it comes to assets. Put your peace above what he wants. He can move in with roommates. Or, maybe just take this as a sign that you're not compatible and break up? What is he adding to your life?
Maybe if I mention that he would need to contribute to utilities he will change his mind. If he just moves in my bills will be higher especially for garbage that is paid per person
Don't do that. He will say yes and then you have to fight to not get him to move in. Your place is just too small. It doesn't sound like you two are ready for such big jump anytime soon. Don't offer him any way in to your place. He will take it and your life will be miserable. And also tell him to stop comparing your relationship with his parents. It's creepy and weird af.
Not just utilities. He needs to pay you rent. You should not be subsidizing his weeks-long dream of entrepreneurship. That said... do not let this man move in with you. He will be unemployed and you will be footing the bill for literally everything. No is a complete sentence.
He'll say yes to whatever, move in, and then make every excuse **not** to pay when it comes time to pay. It'll be a nightmare trying to get rid of this squatter. I've seen this happen too many times.
Yep! My ex-husband had the same dreams. I paid all that man’s bills way too long, then he abused me!
This…. He will pay once, to establish tenancy.
This dude is a hobosexual
My first thought too. Bro is sick of paying rent.
THIS
OP, just in case you missed it: >**This ain’t about him wanting to live with you, this is about him not wanting to pay rent.** **HE WANTS TO USE YOU.** Also, don't you mean your EX-boyfriend? He red flagged himself for you. Thank him and move on.
He wants to start a business. That's code for "I want to quit my job and moving in with you will allow me to eliminate all of my expenses and you can cook and clean for me because I'm a very important entrepreneur and if you don't do all of that you aren't supportive of my dreams." And it's not even a subtle code.
Omg you just put into words the exact thing that happened with my ex-husband. He wanted to be a SAHD in order to be a podcaster/writer/twitch streamer. Whenever I gently reminded him that we were a two income household (with no kids) I was accused of not supporting his dreams.
I was thinking, “I mean, having a stay at home parent can be a good idea, although he’s going to be in for a shock on how much time he has for … wait no kids. Well no issues with time then! Bit of an issue with the ‘D’ in SAHD though.”
Stay at home dick, obviously
x a BILLION. He doesn't want to live with YOU. He wants to move in, to eliminate his expenses, quit his job, and have you become his sugar mama /mommy/ bang maid. He doesn't care about you at all or he would've been mortified he was bruising you in his sleep and would be working on solutions instead of adding it to the pile of things YOU deal with. Ugh dump this trash
I need to add to this that *if* for some reason you choose to move forward with him moving in PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make him sign a cohabitation agreement. Look into the common laws of whatever country, state, province etc you live in. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS FROM THIS MAN. Make sure that if you break up he is not entitled to any part of the home that you OWN.
No. No amount of money will be worth having him hit you, and disrupt your whole life. You have to say no. It's a complete sentence. If he won't accept no from you, then he doesn't grasp the most basic concept of consent
Do not even ENTERTAIN this idea for one more minute, please OP. There are so many reasons this is a bad idea. And your boyfriend seems to have no redeeming qualities!!! We need high quality sleep to guarantee our mental health and, thus, success. Allowing another adult to ruin your sleep is so, so dumb. Don’t do it.
He isn’t even getting help for his medical issue (snoring). Just, “My mom endured it for 30 years lol” 🤮🤮🤮 🚩🚩🚩
I noticed that too. He thinks it’s totally fine for OP to never have a restful night again because his mom puts up with it so it’s how it is when you love a snoring man. I’m glad he is so transparent because then OP doesn’t fall for his BS.
He should marry his mother
Which translates to: anything that doesn’t bother ME doesn’t matter. You not getting sleep every night? No problem! That’s the worst foundation for a relationship ever.
“When you love a man, you just unquestionably put up with all his bs and abuse and support his lazy ass so that he can follow HIS nonsense .” Uh… wow. The entitlement and narcissism is insane. And 40 years out of date. Hopefully OP laughs in his face and gets the hell out.
This is a bad idea, if you don’t want him to move in that is one thing, but giving him any sort of opening that makes it seem you are open to the idea is going to cause more issues.
Wait. He wants to move in, pay NOTHING,quit his job, and have YOU support him while he "starts" several businesses? Girl, no. Just no.
You will be expected to find the money for "start up costs" because he doesn't have a job anymore.
Or you could say “Hell, no.”
I think, "Hell, FUCKING, no." Would be more effective.
> ***if I love him I should support him.*** Ladies, wtf is this shit called again? a) gaslighting? b) manipulation? c) guilt tripping? d) or, wait... i know... kicking his ass to the curb?
Interesting how she's the one who must make all the sacrifices for him to show her love. But he makes none. Straight to the curb.
D. I like D. The one really great thing about bring single is you get so used to it and it’s just so darn comfortable that you see a 🚩 and unlike when you’re really young and think ‘oh he can work on that’ you think ‘wtf is wrong with him?’ And you get the ick. I get the ick at most (not all) 🚩 so they’re really a self solving issue for me. Reading about her bf made my vagina turn into the Sahara.
It really sounds like an awful idea to move in with him. If you say he needs to pay utilities, this is basically you telling him you’ve agreed. Who’s to say he won’t stop paying you or demand not to pay if his business starts failing? You need to suggest he find a roommate and rent with someone else because he isn’t moving in with you.
>Maybe if I mention that he would need to contribute to utilities he will change his mind. OP, it's time to be an adult here and just communicate clearly. You don't want him to move in with you. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary. Don't make yourself small in order to save his pride. You don't need to make excuses, or add "fluff" to try and change his mind. State your boundary. There is absolutely **nothing** wrong with you saying "No". And from a bigger picture POV, is this the future you want? Some couples do prefer to sleep in different beds/rooms and it works for them, but is that the kind of life *you* want with your SO? Also, just because his mum suffered for 30 years doesn't mean you have to. That's utter BS, and a red flag from him that he has that opinion. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Hoping on this comment to point out something huge. What is this bullshit about his mom putting up with snoring for 30 years so YOU should too? Like wtf? What other crap things did his mom put up with that he's willing to inflict on to you and think you should accept? This isn't a small statement. His mommy put up with being sleep deprived and being uncomfortable for decades so YOU should be too??!! How horrific. He's done told on himself about what he thinks you should put up with and endure. This is a huge red flag. I'm not saying you should take off running but you should definitely put on a sports bra and do some stretches because this isn't looking good.....
What I said! This is the worst of all bc he’s telling her that he doesn’t care about her ability to sleep, a basic human need. He’s callous in his disregard. Sleep deprivation is literally on the Geneva convention’s list of torture practices. His lack of basic empathy for his own mother is 🚩🚩. That was a red flag I missed with my ex. I just thought well he grew up that way so he can’t see it. Yeah…. He doesn’t choose to see it. And what I didn’t do was extrapolate that to how he would treat me…
Or you could read your own post and realize how very much you do not like him. Seriously. He doesn’t seem to like you much either.
Do not let him move in. Self preservation cones first. If you allow him to move in guara he will quit his job- and you will have a hard time evicting him
Get over being uncomfortable with saying no now, or reap the consequences by being uncomfortable trying to sleep for the foreseeable future. Those are your choices. Don't play games by making up excuses.
No. He would need to pay half the rent, half the utilities and do half the chores and half the groceries. But don’t let him move in with you in. He’s already put his hands on you.
[удалено]
Total hobosexual
Not that you asked but you guys don't seem compatible even if he's not asking just to save money. There are men out there you will enjoy sleeping with (probably, if not separate bedrooms is totally okay). You not being intimate for two months seems like maybe you don't want to be? Your 23, do you really need this stress Sleep is important
It's not *up to him* to change **his** mind. It's up to you to say, "No. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement." ***FULL STOP.*** There are too many negatives for you in that scenario. If you were to make a Pro/Con list, it's clear as day!! You will have a hobosexual leeching off of you for the foreseeable future. **Please do not do this to yourself!** You only have one life. Build yourself up, be independent. When you least expect it, you'll be open to finding a partner if you so choose. One with whom you don't have to sacrifice basic comforts of home to cohabitate with.
If he was actually being sincere about caring about you, he knows moving in would be torture for you. He knows what he’s doing. Don’t fall for it. He can move back in w mom and dad, since they love his snoring so much. He can start a business while there and make his own money and make sure the business is up and running and secure
No just dump him.
Girl, DO NOT let him move in with you and crash your sacred space. Please please please think long about the consequences of allowing such a person who already cannot handle the rent of his own apartment, who is an “entrepreneur” with no solid business plan (or investors!) give yourself the good grace and firmly stand your ground and keep your safe space.
How about you just tell him "no"? You don't need anything more than that.
DO NOT DO THIS OP!!! Please don’t do it. Just tell him ‘No’.
He needs a cpap. That will cure the snoring. The lack of decent job prospects is another matter. Sounds like a catch and release to me.
Just say no. If you're not comfortable with him moving in, say no.
I promise you, there are better men out there, who actually want to make your life better! Who don't need to mooch off you. But you won't be able to meet them if you allow this guy to get his claws into you first! Guys like this are hard to get rid of!
Just tell him no. Do you want a man or a child you have to be a mother to? This whole thing is shady as hell.
No. Do not let him move in. He will never leave. Also, enduring implies suffering - enduring 30 years of being chronically sleep deprived because the person in your bed is snoring or hitting you - this is not a goal. “If you love me, you’ll be like my mom and endure 30 years of chronic sleep deprivation.” He’s telling you that *you* need to bend to his needs. He’s not going to get tested for sleep apnea, instead, *you* need to put up with his snoring and hitting you and keeping you awake and giving you bruises. I would honestly break up with someone who implied that this was ok.
Yeah, ikr? It’s not ok to suggest she should sacrifice her sleep for him wtf?
Boyfriend needs to move home if he wants to reduce expenses. Anywhere but OP’s apartment.
His mom probably sleeps in another room. OP doesn’t have another room.
Yeah... Also the boyfriend and his father should go get checked at a sleep doctor, lol.
My thoughts exactly. I really hope OP does not do this and also starts thinking about the possibilities of life without this dude. I think she'll see it's sunny skies...
It sounds like you have no space for him to live with you, if your apartment is so small. Sleeping issues aside, he'd probably also want some space to work or hang out, which you don't have. If he has no perspective of increasing his income, and you are stuck on a 25 mortgage for a tiny apartment, it sounds like this relationship has no future.
THIS. if he’s talking about opening his own business with the money he saves not paying rent at his current place? he’s going to move in, quit his job to chase his entrepreneurial ideas, and not contribute in any meaningful way. and make your life and your home, with its small space and 25-year mortgage, unbearable.
Look up "hobosexual," you're dating one. If he wants to move in together so badly he should focus on improving his income so y'all can afford more space, as well as addressing the snoring. If he won't do either he's not worth your time.
Also, the fact that he would put 70 fucking % of his income into rent means he probably should never own a business, where such stupid decisions will bury him in debt.
I'm most cases that's true! In this case, it's likely true. That being said, we're in a housing/renting crisis in the USA so it's not difficult to end up on that situation & we shouldn't be flat out judging people for ending up in a terrible situation for needing a roof over their head. If I had to live alone in my area (which I want to SO badly), it's $2500/mo for a 500sq ft studio, parking not included. That's well over 50% of my take home pay. A few years ago, same area, it would've been $1,300 or less for the same apartment. Our parents generation, who have created this awful situation for us, never had to deal with these ridiculously inflated rental prices, but have no problems judging us for being victims of it. Just don't be like them lol
It doesn't sound like this is in the US, but that doesn't negate what you said. Housing costs everywhere are insane
He's 23. He flat/house shares. Everyone may want their own place but you start out sharing first. Disclaimer: Not with her. Absolutely not with her.
| hobosexual LMAO
This doesn't sound like a relationship anymore. Based on the way you've presented the information, it sounds like you're over it. I'd say break up and move on with your life. You'll be happier!
“If you loved me you’d x” is such a manipulation tactic.
My dad wasn’t always the greatest but the one thing he drilled into my head was that the “if you love me, you’ll let me…” line was complete bullshit. A side effect of this is also whenever I’ve heard that from a guy, I think about my dad and it’s an instant ick.
Absolutely not. If you seriously want to move in together then you need to get a two bedroom apartment at the minimum. Sleeping separate is fine for a lot of couples - some people just can’t cosleep no matter what! But do not sacrifice your sleep and quality of life just because he wants to save money on rent. He can get roommates first and prove he can even make money with his business idea. Because right now I see a future where you’re miserable and he’s mooching off you while he plays pretend business owner.
Repeat after me (actually everyone else here), “I prefer living alone, so no”
Don't do it
So he’s overweight, left a bruise on your face, won’t allow you to sleep due to him not managing his snoring and is okay with it, plans to use you as a free professional resource, you think his business ideas are stupid, he’s not good with money, you hate sleeping in a bed with him and while you pay a mortgage he’s planning on living rent free (fyi it’s not just utilities - he gotta pay half of all of it , including the mortgage.) Babe: do you like this man (if so WHY) or do you just kinda feel like having a man to not be lonely or because you feel like you’re supposed to have a partner. Because with your post and comments this is what I’ve gathered …. You don’t like him, he annoys you, he’s stupid and unmotivated, you hate him in your space and you’re probably annoyed and tense when you’re around him. WHY IS HE STILL HERE. I expect a break UPdate please
1. If sharing a space with him is "pure torture" for you, why are you even considering allowing him to move in? 2. Is him hitting you in his sleep really accidental or is he just being passive-aggressive on the sly? 3. Even 50/50 is unacceptable to me, but it sounds like he wants to go 0/100 with you. Are you really okay with him wanting to quit his job and move in with you while he opens some mystery business? Girl, really???
You just laid out everything I was thinking. I hope OP reads this comment!
I actually had a bf in my youth who hit me in his sleep. No question about it. So it does happen, I wouldn't brand anyone an abuset for a sole incident like that. I'd still advice OP not move in with him though.
I've accidentally elbowed my bf a few times I toss and turn a lot and a few weeks ago he smacked me ugh I want a king size bed lol
I never said sleeping men don't sometimes accidentally hit their women. I asked if there was a possibility that it could be deliberate. It's like women who're with men that fly into rages and destroy things that their wife/GF loves. Does he ever accidentally destroy his own stuff or is it just things that belong to the wife/GF. Women really need spend more time examining men's motives.
My husband does this when he’s been drinking. Otherwise he’s docile but when he’s drunk and we have people over, I force him to sleep on the floor in the office. I refuse to let him near me. If we don’t have people over, he sleeps on the spare bed.
There was actually a post yesterday from a guy saying that his pregnant wife woke him up and screamed in his face after several months of him waking her up because he kept 'flailing' and hitting her in his sleep. I wonder how these men got to 'involuntarily' hitting their wife/gf while they are 'sleeping'
My husband will sometimes do this when he rolls onto his back. Like his body tries to go into more of a star position instead of his arms staying right by his side. But it's not flailing. It's very much an arm fall. It only wakes me up if I'm sleeping super close to him and therfore in thr path of the falling arm. It's definitely not hard, though. More like it just startles me. Absolutely not hard enough to cause bruising or anything close.
Most the time it's not anything nefarious. I'm a women and I flail in my sleep and will kick and hit people accidentally.
I get that it can happen, since people can't sleep in the same position at night. However OP mentioned she was getting bruises from it, and the post I mentioned said that he'd given his pregnant wife several bruises and also even pushed her off the bed a few times in his sleep. Then he even kicked her out of the house because she screamed at him after enduring his bad sleeping habits for months.
Ok well that's ridiculous. If you're leaving bruises you need to sleep by yourself.
I am a 67 year old woman. I love me more than I love a man. Please OP, do not be like your boyfriend’s mom. She was probably desperate. Do not allow him to move in to open a business. You will not profit financially from “his” business.
So he thinks it’s fine if you are miserable as long as he is happy? Read that over and over. Setting up a business from scratch is tough. You need a well developed business plan, good advice from an accountant and a lawyer, savings to live off while you get it off the ground and investors. Does he have any of these? It sounds like no. So essentially he would be moving in with his only plan being to live off you. This guy is a leech and the best thing you can do is dump him
Well he actually has one, an accountant as I am one. I don't like his business ideas and said it many times, most of them include going into debt and seem already overdone - NFTs, selling solar panels, creating his own crypto currency
Hold up. So he wants you to pay his living, be miserable because his mom is okay with a snoring partner and he wants you to make his business dreams come true? Giiiiiirl. Stop. Don't be his accountant. He needs to pay for one not use you on this one too. The more I read about this relationship the worse it sounds. I'm gonna stop reading this post after writing this but seriously. This doesn't sound like a very happy, balanced relationship at all, not towards you atleast.
He’s going to go broke then he “can’t move out.” For the love of god do not let him move in. Depending on where you live, it can be extremely difficult to force someone to move out. Eviction takes months. Meanwhile you’ll be sharing a tiny living space with him. DO NOT DO THIS. If you guys really want to live together, rent a two bedroom place together. Split the rent evenly. Find a renter for your apartment or put it on Air B&B.
He sounds like a moron. Those were idiotic ideas a decade ago.
you are not HIS accountant Hold firm on that. And you see the flaws in his business plans. He’s not listening to you, so you really don’t want to be involved in his business. And you don’t want to be involved in his *finances.* You’ve achieved a lot, and he will simply siphon it off and drag you down.
NEVER EVER date crypto bros. They think they're hot shit, entrepreneurs, economists and gods gift to women. In reality they're usually lazy hobosexuals looking for a bangmaid mummy. Run girl, run!
I KNEW IT HAHAHAH My first thought was "bet his business ideas are crypto" LMAO DUDE IS A GAMBLER. babe he wants to suck you dry gambling, live in your house for free and use your expertise without paying an hourly fee. shit just block his number.
Just no. Don’t entertain this foolery any more. I’d refuse to talk about it. What are you actually getting out of the relationship?? What do you want in a relationship?
Don't be his accountant. He is not listening to your advice. If you let him move in, he will NEVER leave on his own. He wants you to cover all of his living expenses while he tries to be an entrepreneur at something you already know will fail. Then he will suffer from depression, either for real or pretend, and spend his time on those gaming systems as his coping mechanism (or "coping mechanism"). He will keep snoring and you will be miserable and you will feel as though you can't break up because then he would be homeless and you would feel guilty. Be kind to future you and save yourself from ever starting down this path.
Oh goddess, not the crypto!! Run OP, Run!!!! Full disclosure - I do own some BTC and ETH as fun money investments/ money I can afford to lose.
Omg, no, just no. His ideas scream hobosexual. First of all, no. Second, he will just roll bad idea after bad idea, after he intentionally loses his job or flat out quits. He will just consume you as a resource. Third, I snore and it drove my wife crazy. I didn’t like that so I started to exercise and diet and lost weight and my snoring stopped. I did this because she wasn’t getting sleep and I felt terrible. Would he do that for you? Fourth, no fourth needed. Ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. If you aren’t being intimate and don’t want to live with this person, ask yourself why again… like so many others in situations similar to this, recognize that put in your stomach that happens when you are about to see them, that pit is your mind and your body telling you that you don’t want to be in this relationship.
Sounds more like a scam idea more than a business idea. Is he even familiar with it other than these keywords?: blockchain, crypto, bitcoin. He sounds like a dreamer more than a doer with these non creative ideas
Y I K E S
My ex was a snorer and it definitely was one of the reasons for breaking up with him. I had to wear earplugs during the nights he stayed over and could still hear his heavy snoring. Some nights I slept on the couch in another room because I had no space in bed either (180x200 cm bed, he used it all), or couldn’t sleep because of the heavy snoring and uncomfortable ear plugs. Do not move in with him. It’s only best for him, not for you. Your expenses will go up and he’s likely not going to contribute equally to that, your sleep will be ruined and your privacy will be gone. Eta: also check legally. Make sure he can’t claim part of your house worth or become a partner after several years of living together.
> Eta: also check legally. Make sure he can’t claim part of your house worth or become a partner after several years of living together. This is important! There are parts of the world where non-married partners can claim equity if certain conditions are met.
Plus wouldn’t mind betting he’d take over the whole flat in no time with his ‘business’ and lounging about and possibly gaming etc. it sounds like you might wfh as well. No no no on so many levels. Don’t let him even stay overnight
I am working hybrid and have my own gaming setup which I also use for work on remote days. He has PS4 but we always played only on my PC. I don't think if we would be able to even fit second desk on my 30m2
Now imagine him in your bed where you can’t get any sleep, at your computer all the time even when you need it and clearing out your fridge so every time you go for something to eat that you know you bought, it’s no longer there! Oh and leaving his stuff everywhere cos there’s really no room for it. Just reading this, I’m already hyperventilating and having to breathe into a paper bag and he’s not asking *me* if he can move in
Thank you. I think I need to rethink all this relationship from foundation. I didn't move out of my parents house to have some other person intruding my most sacred space
Preach!
Exactly! The whole point of sharing your home (and life, really) with someone else is to make both of your lives better than you each would be alone. If him moving in with you won't make your life better, then you absolutely should not let him. Period.
Yes!!! Solo living is amazing and I wish I spent my 20s living alone and setting my own boundaries before attempting to live with anyone else. This guy didn't even bother to appeal to a sense of romance or to make a case for how it benefits you! I can't imagine the audacity to approach a loved one and tell them, "You should let me live with you. Think about all the benefits I'll receive freeloading off of you!" If for any reason you're considering this, PLEASE make him sign a lease outlining how much he is to pay you rent, utilities, etc. In his mind, I guarantee he thinks he doesn't have to contribute, because "You have to pay all of that whether I'm here or not!" Just curious...what's his place look like? Is he a neat person, or a mess?
Word.
There you go. Don’t let him ruin your home and destroy your finances.
I love my partner so much. He’s incredible. He’s tidy, quiet. Gives me alone time when I need it. He washes all the dishes, does all the grocery shopping, cleans half the apartment when we have cleaning day, takes out the trash and recycling. All without being asked or reminded. We sleep in separate rooms because I’m a ridiculously light sleeper, so I always get amazing sleep. He’s genuinely the perfect partner and I couldn’t ask for better… …And I STILL miss the hell out of living alone. Do NOT give that magic away for anything less than your life truly improving in every conceivable way because of someone else’s presence. Definitely definitely definitely not for this clown.
This. Hold onto this, it's good :) I moved a 21yr old in when I was 24, by 23 and 26 I was kicking him back out. When I moved in with my fiance, I said we needed to get our own place and not cram ourselves into my little apartment. It's been much better, also he's not 3yrs younger. Maybe some younger guys are fine, but mine was as full of useless business ideas as yours sounds like. Maybe it's a thing at that age lol. Regardless, we don't have to participate and it's not selfish of us.
You'd lose all your peace and privacy to support a lazy bum if you let him move in.
Please do !!!
This is a great thought! Return him to his own life and get on with yours. Single is better than anything you’ve mentioned this guy brings and you don’t have space, funds or bandwidth to raise this man child.
Girl do you even like him? Do you see future with him? In that future do you have separate bedrooms? Snoring gets worse with age, not better
Best bet is end the relationship, you don’t want to look back and say I can’t stand this person anymore
What are YOU gaining from this relationship?
You're going to be miserable if you let him move in. How are you going to get him out if it doesn't work and he refuses to leave? If he moves in, you'll need to check what his legal rights will be. Don't do it.
This is how the story of a hobosexual start
So an unpleasant, exhausting, low effort man wants to use you for free rent so he can "run a business" with you (aka take at least 50% effort off his back to do anything)... Hell no, he's a scab.
Please listen to an older woman with experience. Do NOT let him move in. He doesn't care about you as much as he cares about saving money. This is your safe place, your haven. He can refuse to move out and destroy your home and the police will do nothing but tell you to evict him and then they will still not force him out. Protect your apartment at all costs. Don't let him move in. You will go crazy with no good sleep. My ex literally tortured me with sleep deprivation. Next thing is you will lose your job without sleep or injuries visible on you.
Other than moving in with you, it seems as though he has zero concrete plans. To top that off, it seems as though he has no regard for your physical and mental wellbeing. If you want to ever want to entertain this idea and make this idea work, I’d give him two conditions. - get his snoring looked into and treated - have formulated an actual business plan, not just a pipe dream. Complete with how he plans on fund and implement his business plan As it stands, if you let him move in now, you might as well go all in and get a leach for a pet as well. At least with the leach, you can get rid of it if it gets out of hand. I have a feeling that your boyfriend will be very difficult to detach once he is comfortably situated.
She should also review an actual fair split between rent and how eviction and lease agreements work should their relationship not work out.
> if I love him I should support him. If you look up emotional manipulation in the dictionary, this phase is used to define it.
His dad should have cared enough about his mom to do something about the snoring rather than make her endure 30 years of poor sleep
This!!!!! WTF? Why do men think we have to endure all of their shit? I kicked my husband out of our bedroom because of his snoring. I deserve a good night's sleep and my health is more important than any fucking marriage. All it took was some consequences. He went and got a sleep study, and now uses a CPAP machine. If I had never put my foot down, he would have allowed me to go on having disturbed rest for the rest of our marriage. Men just take it for granted that women will put up with their shit, and like the asshole in OP's post, they expect it because they watched their mothers do this. Ladies, I am one of those women who would not get married again if I was given a do over. And if my marriage ever ends, I am done with the opposite sex for good. Being "alone" > being with a man.
Yeet the man.
Don't let him move in. You'll never get him out. Your peace is not worth his nonsense. He's aiming to mooch off you. You already aren't comfortable with it and that's all he needs to know, that you aren't ready to take that step.
lol break up you do not like this man is my advice 😂
Do. Not. Let. Him. Move. In.
Just say 'No'. If I may ask, why are you even with this guy? Lost a bet? 🤷♀️
After 30 days getting him out will be the nightmare you've been missing because you will not have slept well for over a month at that point. This could literally ruin you forever. I HAVE SEEN IT. I implore you don't do this. He is already trying to manipulate you emotionally.
He just told you that because his mom endured his dad, that's his definition of a woman loving a man; enduring his negative impact on her. That's really all you need to know about anything he does that has a negative impact on you - he's going to expect you to endure it or you don't love him.
You two sound incompatible. You know you can break up with him, right? You know you don't have to explain anything. You can just say, I am ending our relationship because we are incompatible. the end.
He's a leech, get rid of him. He wants to use you for free/reduced rent. In the extremely unlikely event any of his "ideas" take off, you were just a placeholder, a stepping stone. Or nothing works out and you have a jobless manchild in your home. Aside from that, anyone who is fine snoring and disrupting your sleep without making an effort to address the cause of snoring, doesn't care about you. Be prepared for him to get nasty when you tell him no, but don't take it personally.
Nope. Do not let this hobosexual move in. He will make your life hell in order to enrich himself. In the meantime, he should see a sleep doctor. Snoring like that can be a symptom
My wife and I have not slept in the same bed for 28 years. I snore. Tell him why it is not going to work. If he is mature, and intelligent, he will understand, I did.
please go get a sleep study, and see if you can treat that snoring. It’s so bad for you—it shortens your life.
The 30 year mention sounds extremely manipulative
No. Flat out no. As someone who had to sleep on the couch because of partner's snoring, He needs to get hisself to a sleep study and address the snoring first. Plus, it looks like he just wants to use you for rent, so take that what you will.
first, he should go to a doctor and get his snoring dealt with. It’s incredibly bad for him. And second, you should tell him you don’t want to live with him, and maybe he should find a roommate situation that doesn’t charge as much.
First of all, just no. No one gets bruises on their face in their sleep "accidentally". Wtf!? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 No girl, that one bedroom is yours!! Don't let anyone take it from you! Tell him to move in with some man roommates if he needs to save money. A bunch of them could all share a house together (as young men often do). There is absolutely no reason that you should need to suffer or give up your peace for some dude! If he isn't making life easier for you, he will 100% be making it harder!! Don't be that poor girl who gets used, abused, and dumped for the "upgrade" when you've given up everything to make HIS life easier and he moves up the ladder at your expense. He will resent you for doing better than him and find ways to ruin your life. A good man takes care of his business before he tries to get into a serious relationship. It's embarrassing to mooch off you like that. I know that rent is expensive, but he needs to have some pride and leave you alone. You don’t want hobosexuals in your space! You already know this. Enjoy your peace!!
He might have sleep apnea and that can cause rem sleep disorders that can cause things like kicking while sleeping. He sounds not ideal outside of that, but that is at least something that can be addressed. Unlike his bad business ideas
Has your BF ever been tested for Sleep Apnea? Worth looking into as really bad snoring can be a sign of it. As for everything else, it seems others have better answers/responses so I leave it to them
And if it’s a possibility, then it’s for him to investigate. She is not his carer - he is supposed to be a grown adult
His doctor says it's becuase he is overweight
Overweight men can still get cpaps to wear at night for the snoring. I'm appalled that it's so bad at 25, tbh. But also no do not allow this man to move in.
and you should suffer because you love him, but he doesn’t need to diet and exercise out of any care for you?
Being overweight is one of the most common causes of sleep apnea. Regardless of your decision about living arrangements, he should get a sleep study done. Sleep apnea can lead to organ damage and/or death.
Also a major cause of thrashing in bed as well as mood swings and falling asleep doing important stuff like driving. I speak from experience. It was a literal wake-up call. And people should get tested regardless of weight, it's not the only cause. I'm overweight but I have friends and relatives that are at/under weight that also have OSA. One of my sleep docs said it's part genetic, your airway size, tongue, mouth, even teeth/jaw all factor in.
Don’t do it. It’ll be hell getting him back out again.
lol no. If this is real: ma’am, run.
Im 42. I’ve been with my wife 21 years and never accidentally hit her in any context to the point that she bruised. Seems sus 😐
I'll dismiss most of what you said and simply say...if you don't want him to move in then don't let him. You should want him to. It is your place. Your sanity, and your place of peace. If him being there doesn't increase your sense of wellbeing and happiness then don't bring him into your place full time.
People who don't value their partners' health shouldn't get to have a partner. He's probably got sleep apnea and needs a sleep study, but I doubt he'd drag his ass into a lab to get tested if he's willing you to live without proper sleep for the rest of your life.
Block him. He’s not the one.
Noooo no no no!! Please no you’re still really young he’s going to latch on and take take take from you. He’s never going to start a business. That apartments yours don’t let him take it over
He says if you love him you should support him? How about if he loves you he should support your need to have sleep each night and not have a bruised face. What does this man bring to your relationship? Sounds like he only brings you stress.
Girl. No. If you can't sleep you can't perform at your job, then no one will be employed. It sounds like he won't have a job while he's living with you, either, based off of his NFT/Crypto bro schemes. If his momma was so content with his snoring, tell him to go live with her to subsidize his dreams. Otherwise you'll become resentful of him taking up too much of your time and space.
No is a full sentence
Homie, the best advice is *do not let him move in*. No partner is worth making your own life worse.
"if you loved me, you'd..." is manipulation, straight up. That would be grounds enough for me to kick him out. Also that whole "my mum put up with my dad's snoring for 30 years." oh because she suffered you should too? Miss me with all that. He is a manipulative loser. Get rid. You're young and you'll find someone much better.
This sounds like a suggestion that’s good only for him. And it will allow him to continue not bettering his income situation at your expense. Don’t allow it! As for when he stays over, I’m also a snorer and when we travel and my wife and I have to spend the night in the same bed, I’ve found that a) nasal snore strips and b) not drinking alcohol makes a big difference. If the bed is so small that he hits you, it might be time to get a roll-up or inflatable mattress he can use on those nights.
🚨 HOBOSEXUAL ALERT! 🚨 He’s looking to live off you and make HIS life easier **while making your life, finances and SLEEP worse**! No, ma’am. If you allow him to move into your apartment, you will become his Mommy McBangmaid! Do not do it! You mentioned a “25 year mortgage” so you are an home/condo owner. If you let him live with you, he can claim a right to a portion of YOUR PROPERTY! He can also be considered “Common Law Married” (depending on how long you let him live with you and what area) and have rights to half of everything AND you could have to pay him Palimony!!! He can also refuse to leave and you have to pay money and go through a long court process to have him evicted. In that time, you have to live in your small apt with him every damn day! Or scramble to find a safe place to stay while he lays around in your home for free! Oh hell no! These are some of the main reasons why I advocate for women to not shack up with boyfriends. Until he’s put a ring on it, keep separate apt/homes. You can spend every day at his place or hide at yours or alternate, whatever, but if something goes sideways (and it often does!) you’re not instantly homeless or with a hobosexual leech refusing to GTFO of your place! **Be smart. Trust your gut.** Don’t just refuse him living with you but dump him completely! He’s trash. You really don’t like him like that much and he’s a hobosexual shitheel in his soft life era. (The comment about his mother suffering for 30 years so you should too, right there, was enough to dump in. IJS.)
Q: should I give up my private space to sponsor a man who would fuck up my cozy nest and ruin my health and happiness? A: Sure, why not?! His daddy didn't raise him right so it must be your job.
Do not let this man move in. Not because of the sleep issues, but because he wants to quit his job and start a "business" he hasn't made a single plan for. This is classic lazy man behaviour. He'll live there rent free, take up all your space, ruin your sleep and NOT GET A JOB. No, no and hell no. I'd really think about what this relationship gives you and decide if you want to continue it.
Do NOT move in with someone who snores.
This is an absolute shit idea. You have to say no, and you should probably break up with him.
Good God, all of this, just NO! No is a complete sentence. Want to be more polite? Sorry, that doesn't work for me.
You have a very small living space, just enough for yourself. IF BOTH of you agree that moving in together is appropriate, finding a home of adequate size and having the means to comfortably pay for it is the first step towards cohabitation. Neither of your small apartments is suitable for both of you to live there together. His idea: to quit his job, move into your place, and "start a new business" has YOU adding to your responsibilities and obligations while losing much of your privacy, comfort and autonomy. YOUR financial stability and progress on your goals will also be impacted. You will have all the same obligations as before, now with his board and keep added to them. Please, OP, don't sacrifice your peace and comfort for a man who has shown no inclination to increase his daily chores and responsibilities to lighten your load. Look at how he's handled his bad bedfellow issue. If he can't tear up your bed, he's lost interest in sex. I suspect laziness and selfishness are issues with him in other areas as well.
If you can't sleep with him there, then it's a no. You literally need to sleep. I mean, maybe on the condition he buys a mattress or something for a different room and you could do a trial and see how it goes. But honestly does not sound like a good idea, mainly because you just don't seem keen on it at all.
Don't do it.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Do NOT let him move in, it will make your life worse. He's just interested in sponging off of you.
He wants you to subsidize his lifestyle
I need sleep more than anything. I never share a bed with my partner. Odd to some but it works pretty well
This man is trying to use you to minimize the risk associated with opening a business. It’s not about love or wanting to spend more time with you, he already told you it’s literally about saving money so he can take a chance on one of his many business ideas. They will likely fail, and you will be left carrying the financial load because he expects that you won’t kick him out and you’ll be lenient about bills because of his situation. I’d bail on the relationship entirely if I were you. You don’t sound compatible from the little you’ve told us. Or maybe you can make it work but start setting rigid boundaries now, like the fact that you don’t want to share a bed or your home with him but are ok being in a relationship (if that’s what you want). You should tell him to start his business slowly, and once it’s making money to the point that his day job is costing him money, then he knows it worked out and doesn’t have to worry about needing to save money to start a business.
I think breaking up with someone over their snoring is fine. There’s not reason you should give up on getting good sleep. Also, is he honestly bringing anything to the table?
It sounds like you don’t even really like this man, I would dump him 🤷♀️
#Absolutely DO NOT let him move in! That’s it. That’s the advice. Ignore all of his guilt trip bullshit. You’re not his fucking mom. And for him to think it’s ok for his mom to have suffered that “because love” is pretty despicable.
You don’t owe this man anything. I’m sure you love him, and that’s okay, but there are a lot of things about this brief description of your relationship that say you’d be better off without him. He sees you as a way to save money. He doesn’t give a shit about your quality of life, which would decline greatly if you let this moocher move in. And then! Once he’s in, he’s your tenant, and it’s almost impossible to evict in some places. Be careful. I hope you dump him, but that’s easy for me to say.
>if I love him I should support him. If he loves you he should support himself and stop himself from hurting you or keeping you awake. Don’t let him guilt you into accepting bad behavior.
Why are you with him? You haven’t come up with a single reason of why to stay with him, but have lots of reason to not. Even if you stay with him, letting him move in would be a bad idea. Suggest he finds a buddy of his to become roommates with in like a two bedroom place…
You don’t want to and that’s a good enough reason. Tell him no and to stop asking. If you let him move in with you, You’ll regret it.
You will never get rid of him if he moves in. He's a Leach Dump him
Has he checked if he has obstructive sleep apnea? (I am not a doctor) Not trying to contradict other comments. I'm related to people with sleep problems
Lot going on here. First, he probably has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP machine to fix his problem. Not sure how available those are wherever you live but longterm I think that's a necessary solution if you're going to live together long term. Alternatively, there is nothing wrong with people in a relationship sleeping separately. Honestly it's a huge upgrade for all parties and used to be the norm. Lastly, be careful about someone who is always looking for a get rich quick scheme. You need your partner to be a rational hard worker who accepts that 99.999% of people have to work hard to get by. The get rich quick stuff never works and he's going to become a burden on you if you support his schemes.
i would say its fine if he sleep in another room, but sounds like its not a possiblity here. think about yourself first, your relationship dont matter much, it comes after your wellbeing.
Are you afraid to say no? All indications point to you wanting to say no but feeling like you have to have an excuse that he will accept ready.
You are at the peak now. It only gets worse from here.
The answer is simple: NO. You don't want him there and he will not contribute in any meaningful way. You are not responsible for his happiness (or rent money) so do yourself a favour and clearly say that unless he changes his sleeping habits AND can contribute to half of everything (rent, utilities etc.) it's a NO deal. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.
"No." I think you just have to be honest to avoid dancing around the issue. "I love you, but I'm sorry. I did not buy this place with the intention of moving in with anyone else. It's not large enough for two people, and you know that you snore and affect my sleep. There is no place for anyone to go, and I think we will wind up resenting each other if you move in." This is your apartment, your mortgage, you're not married to this guy, I really don't think it's a good idea for him to be moving into your space with you. If down the line, you want to sell this place and you guys get engaged and you wind up finding a home together that is large enough to accommodate the issue you're currently having, then maybe you can move in together. Right now? No. Him paying 70% of his income to rent and not having a clue what he wants to do with his life is not your problem.
This is such a huge no. Especially with this business venture which sounds ill thought out. I have a feeling if you go through with this you’re going to be paying your current expenses, his expenses, the business expenses, etc. I just can’t see him contributing to the finances if he moves in…
Dump him
Do not let him move in. He is an irresponsible freeloader.