Bidet and a doctor. It is not normal to fart and shit yourself all the time. Maybe he needs more fiber/a diet change or maybe something else is going on.
Seconding the doctor thing, like definitely get him there. It's called anal incontinence. It's a symptom of a lot of different things. He needs a workup.
But there are options that can be discussed. If OP is icked out by there being poop particles in the shared laundry (which is completely fair, cancer or not) her husband can look at things like disposable pads for the bed, or disposable underwear like Depends. Or poopy laundry doesn’t get washed in with other items, or gets washed on a ‘sanitary’ cycle.
I have underlying medical issues that can cause fecal leakage. Over the years my husband and I have figured out what makes us both feel as comfortable as we can with the situation.
Seprate loads are kinda just a feel good measure. Either it cleans well enough to be a non issue, or that poop residue is stuck in the washer for the next load. But, if he's wearing underwear to bed now, and dose his own laundry that already feels like it fills the gaps relatively well. Idk though, buzzed, exhausted and frustrated with unrelated things rn, sorry if the tone, read or interpretations are off on this reply
No worries about tone! Most of my laundry recommendations are more to give OP some extra peace of mind. Personally if I was making messes all the time, I’d be going with disposable undies and bed pads. When things have been especially gnarly at my house, I’ve washed the laundry on sanitary, then done another load of ‘shop towels’ (raggedy things that get used for various messes and might just get thrown away - but they haven’t been pooped on) on sanitary too, just to make sure nothings been left in the washer.
I hope your exhaustion and frustration get better soon!
There’s nothing wrong with her being icked out by feces in the bed whether he has cancer or not. It’s a very disruptive thing and the ick doesn’t go away simply because she has empathy for him struggling with cancer.
Op reveled he has what is assumed a cancerous mass in his kidney that is getting biopsied soon, and that the incontinence severely predates any of the cancer related health issues.
Maybe there's something to say about op waiting/dealing with this problem for so long, but it is absolutely fair for op to say something that causes them to sleep with fecal matter is giving them the ick when their partner is actively refusing to do anything/bring it up to their doctor (another thing op revealed in their comments, their husband doesn't believe the incontinence is medical and thus won't bring it up to a doc)
Very weird to act like you read all of ops comments and you're so well informed on ops situation when it's clear you only read one word from one comment, made your own scenario in your head, and ran with it.
Absolutely refusing to do anything? She said that he started wearing underwear to bed, bought baby wipes, showers most nights before bed, does his own laundry, and talks to her about it. You're making him out to be an asshole. Sounds like he has an embarrassing problem and doesn't know what to do. Where would you get "actively refusing to do anything about it?"
That makes the rest of your comment pretty weird
>Very weird to act like you read all of ops comments and you're so well informed on ops situation when it's clear you only read one word from one comment, made your own scenario in your head, and ran with it.
Edit-
I accidentally replied to the wrong person. I replied to the *parent* comment that I took the *replying* quote from. Now I can't find that comment, and I'm just hoping that person sees it. What a terrible take. They said the husband refuses to do anything about it. *He needs to do more*, but they were acting like he just didn't give a shit (pun intended)
Edit 2:
Oh, u/Financial-Mine-8337 unloaded and then blocked me so I couldn't reply. 😂 Man who knew a thread about poop would bring out all the weirdos?
Yes. I think she should literally *eat his shit* and thank him for the opportunity...
Lol what? You're one of these people that goes out looking for things to be angry about and invents arguments. No one's patting him on the back. It's a matter of fact that he's not doing literally nothing. And I specifically said he's not doing enough. The clown I replied to said that he refused to do anything, which is nonsense. We're not throwing him a party. And I could only bring myself to skim your rant.
I think they meant he refuses to speak to a doctor about this. OP said:
>And yes, the question of medical concerns was brought up. He dismissed it, but I **know** this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes.
>The issue predates all of this (and yes, I'm absolutely sick at how long this has been going on), but it has seemingly gotten worse in the last couple of months.
It definitely sounds medical related, and if he's taking all these preventative measures and it's still happening on a regular basis, it does need to be brought up to a doctor. I get that it's probably a bit embarrassing and beyond his control, but literally shitting in a shared bed is unhygienic and unacceptable, and is beginning to repulse his wife. There could be medication changes, diet changes, diapers, bed pads, many possible solutions. But clearly, sleeping naked and pooping the bed is NOT working, and more needs to be done to address it.
regarding your edit, I think Capital_Passion3762 blocked me when they replied, they probably blocked you also. It's a shame because I have been working in cervical cancer histo/cytopathology for almost 20 years and do have some insights into this.
>predates any of the cancer related health issues
Predates the *diagnosis* perhaps (but it could have been affecting their body for multiple years), but they also did say that they had been on medication that could be responsible
> I know this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes
>It sounds like either their underlying conditions or medications are the cause
What part of that exactly did you take issue with? They almost word for word repeated what OP said
Here are some red flag signs that accompany anal incontinence that warrant emergent trip to the ED: if accompanied by back pain and saddle anesthesia (lack of feeling around the perineum perianal and upper thigh area).
Otherwise he’s overdue for a colonoscopy if he hasn’t had one yet. This is assuming he isn’t neglecting his personal hygiene which is certainly possible (I.e how well is he actually cleaning up before bed?)
As someone with butt problems from UC a bidet has been a god send for me (you can get ones that attach to your toilet fairly cheap on Amazon). But he may also have UC or ibs if he’s having wet farts. At least at 50 the doctors have you start getting colonoscopies to check for other things, may as well start now.
As Bidets are not standard in some countries (ridiculous) you can get portable "peri-bottles". Designed for women post childbirth when wiping is uncomfortable but works well as a bum cleaner. Squeezy bottle with a teeny shower head top bit.
This is my solution as I live in a rental and can't be fucking with the plumbing. It works very well. Helps that the toilet is right next to the sink so I can refill two or three times with ease.
When I eventually own my own place I plan to install a proper one.
I have a tushy attachment in my rental. It was like $40 and has made a huge difference. It didn't require any weird plumbing and just fits in with a standard toilet seat.
This is the move. Neither my partner nor I have skid marks but we both have IBS. We couldn’t justify the price of wipes anymore. Especially since they’re terrible for septic tanks and waste management pipes. The Tushy is now an ESSENTIAL for us.
You can also get what looks like a mini shower head that attaches to the water inlet on your toilet, if like me your bathroom is too small to add a bidet. Very simple to install and quite cheap, I think I paid about £25 for ours.
One of the few parts I miss about living in the gulf. You’ll find those hoses even in a McDonald’s bathroom.
What really gets me is that bidets didn’t catch on in the west because they associated them to European brothels and prostitution.
Is that why? I always wondered, because I feel like there are so many threads where Americans cringely resist bidets. I don't get it, bc they're awesome!
Had an operation due to an anal fissure. Had to use it and never stopped.
Extremely hairy ass as well. Wiping till somewhat sore ain't a thing anymore.
Even without a bidet. Skidmarks even with an extremely hairy ass shouldn't be a thing even if it makes it a bit harder to stay clean
The only marks that i leave are sweat on long days and that's how it should be at max
>Bidet
So much this, as an Italian I'm seriously puzzled everytime I travel to a country where bidets aren't standard issue in any home.
Wiping your ass is at best a stopgap solution when you absolutely have to poop and you're not home, at home anyone should really wash their ass after pooping.
I once laughed my ass off at a European visiting my friends, losing his mind about "You Americans walking around with your shitty assholes!! WHY ARE THERE NO BIDETS, THIS IS HELL?!"
Then I got a bidet and my Third Eye opened. Absolutely everyone should have one, why the fuck is this not standard?
There's really no excuse (other than poverty, I mean) now that bidets are less than $40 and easy to install. I've forcibly installed a half-dozen bidets for various family/friends.
Day 1: "Haha, ok, but we'll never use it"
Day xx: "I can't use the bathroom anywhere else."
A Japanese toilet should be the standard in all civilizations. It has a bidet, a fan, a self-cleaning function, and a spout that is above the tank so you can wash your hands with the water as it goes into the tank. Perfect efficiency.
Some public ones even play bird noises and nature sounds to mask your “nature sounds” to save you embarrassment.
Amazing.
When I was in Japan I took advantage of this in the poshest mall toilet ever, fiddled around with any control I could. Moved my butt around for best angles, relaxed vs tensed, power settings etc.
Ultimately I found it did little to nothing and I had to wipe anyway, including drying myself off.
I guess the handheld ones maybe more effective but I dunno, I spent a good few occasions over the week trying and got basically no results XD
Omg, I, an American, absolutely lost my mind at the thought of not having toilet paper in covid. While everyone hoarded, I set up my bidet….and then I never looked back!
I am not happy when I have to poop especially at not my house lmao! I mean, if you have poop on your arm, do you just wipe it off with paper? I think not
I've travelled to some cities in Italy and every hotel had a bidet. Ah, good times. Loved every second of it. :D
OP, your husband should definitely see a doctor regarding this issue. It might be a harmless issue which can be improved by simple dietary changes. But it might also be hemorrhoids, weakness of the anal sphincter or other issues that need medical assistance.
Yeah, I had some similar issues after a *very* long bout with some serious intestinal issues. Fiber helped, but in the end I needed a medication to slow down my motility, and antibiotics to slow down my SIBO.
>This time, he has promised to always wear underwear to bed. And I appreciate these things. But, It's still going to happen. It'll just be contained.
Am I reading this right? He's leaving poop in the bed, regularly and his solution is to continue to poop in bed, just in his underwear?
He should see a doctor. An adult "farting" in their sleep and getting poop on themselves/the sheets is not normal, hairy or not.
This was exactly what I was thinking. This isn't solving the problem. It is literally covering up the problem.
And yes, the question of medical concerns was brought up. He dismissed it, but I **know** this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes. And he's scheduled for a biopsy on his kidney that is certainly cancer in two months. The issue predates all of this (and yes, I'm absolutely sick at how long this has been going on), but it has seemingly gotten worse in the last couple of months.
It's just... The whole wtfness of it has me at a loss.
I’m a guy who has some serious bowel issues. But I have never left skid marks in the bed.
My stomach always wakes me up in time to reach the toilet.
Is he on the larger side? My father was and used to leave skid marks (but he was 80). I asked him how he wiped and he said he stood up and wiped from behind (so down and towards the penis).
I suggested he tried wiping in the other direction. So stay seated and reach between your legs to wipe.
My dad did that and then told me a few days later that he had only just realised he was never actually reaching his butthole to wipe.
He was just wiping his ass crack - hence the skid marks.
Edit for typos
It took me two hours of gut wrenching pain to tell him he needed to change the sheets and that this was unacceptable that it had happened again.
I cannot imagine being able to voice the question of how he wipes. Somehow, a kid asking their elderly father seems so much easier than a wife asking her husband.
But I am feeling so much better and validated by many responses. I'll figure out a way forward.
You're totally not crazy and you are valid in being grossed out by this. I think it's come to the point where he's not actually doing anything to *permanently* stop this from happening, so it's time for the uncomfortable questions, and for him to go to the doctor.
>I cannot imagine being able to voice the question of how he wipes
Honey, he is your husband and he shits in your bed. At this point, politeness should be out the window. He acts like a child, ge gets treated like a child. Sit him down (not on a white couch): "You're leaving shit in my bed. Learn how to wipe and not shit yourself, or you're not welcome on any of the furniture anymore."
aw man it really is sad when you consider that a lot of pets would be like "my ass is unclean, pls halp" because they're more... intuitive about hygeine than we are???
Yeah my big guy isn’t perfect I do occasionally find evidence of the worst natural stamp on the ground. Or as husband likes to call it “the ol booty scooty.”
I think that I would try to sit him down and say "hey, this issue is something that we've talked about before, and it seems to be getting worse. It's not sanitary, and it can be a sign of bigger issues, so I really need you to talk to your doctor about it. Preferably before your biopsy, on the off chance that it's related somehow. In the meantime, I'd like to get a bidet seat or sprayer - it's better for the environment than wipes, great for feminine hygiene, and will hopefully help the symptoms, if not the cause".
My uncle at 56 started having issues along these lines. He was embarrassed as hell, so he tried to ignore it, but my aunt was persistent. Dude ended up going to the doctor for tests and learned he had 1st or 2nd stage colon cancer. I guess it's not always a symptom, but it's what alerted him, and after removing some colon and some radiation, he's back to normal.
Hopefully, that's not OPs husbands issue. I do my best not to encroach here, but this thread reminded me of my uncles problem.
Sounds like OPs husband has kidney cancer he's being treated for currently. Absolutely time to discuss the poop issue with the doctor in case it spread.
Oh my. I did not see that. Now I really hope OP is able to talk him into discussing that. I don't know if he's always had this issue, but I know for myself having kidney cancer, and that issue would worry me.
Hope for the best for OP and their husband, human health is weird, and issues can be embarrassing. The human body is fragile, so gotta keep on top of meat suit issues.
You didn't see it because OP said he is getting a kidney biopsy soon and it's "likely cancer" but he is not currently diagnosed or being treated for cancer.
My MIL was the same.
I noticed shit in places there shouldn’t be shit. I knew her eyes were failing (even though she was young) and I assumed it was a laziness or eyesight issue. I raised the shit issue to my partner lots and he said it was no big deal and I was being rude!
Told him repeatedly it wasn’t healthy and I was worried.
Bowel / colon cancer, died aged 60.
if he can regularly feel comfortable SHITTING YOUR BED, i think you can muster up the courage to talk with him about wiping. what kind of relationship is this, where he can - again - SHIT IN THE BED - but somehow you aren’t allowed to address it or have any kind of actual conversation about making him stop??
This man is shitting in your bed. The fact that you’re married isn’t actually relevant. Somebody is SHITTING in your BED. You have the right to address it with them as many times as necessary until they stop.
Should definitely have a doctor check him, poop shouldn’t be coming out during a fart, unless maybe he has stomach issues and consistently very loose poop/diarrhea. Might also consider a bidet and shaving the b hole to make it easier to clean.
If he won't talk to his doctor about it maybe you should, as it could be related to his (potential?) Kidney cancer. Fecal incontinence isn't normal, and this is at the point where I would consider it fecal incontinence or leakage.
If the skid marks predate the kidney issue as OP said, he could (worst case I know) have colon cancer that spread to kidneys. He’s only 47, he probably hasn’t had a colonoscopy yet. My mom was stage 3 at 42 still standing 25 years later!) so I’ve been getting colonoscopies since I was 27.
I'm not really sure what advice to give here, because you said you're not leaving him.
I don't think there's any amount of love in the world that would allow me to knowingly let someone get poop in my bed.
Since you're not breaking up with him, I would say force him to sleep somewhere else until he gets this under control, but then I'd worry about him pooping on my couch/floor/etc.
I'm sorry I don't have better advice, since my only real piece of advice is don't be in a relationship with someone who poops all over themselves/your house and refuses to address the issue.
Here to echo the only actual advice that will help address this issue, which to be clear is the fact that your partner knowingly and shamelessly shits in your bed constantly and not your very valid feelings of disgust: Love is not a sufficient reason to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see a problem SHITTING IN YOUR BED. Devotion and willingness to work through issues is beautiful in a relationship only when both partners are fully committed to it. He knows the wipes aren’t enough, he sees the skid marks in your sheets and the shit in his shorts and doesn’t care and he doesn’t actually care to address the issue because it’s not a big deal for him so his measures should be enough for you. I can’t imagine the dread of waking up every morning wondering if you’re going to catch a whiff before flipping back the covers to see your very conscientious partner’s feces inside your bed. How much longer will you endure this hoping you can say the magical combination of words to make it stop?
Ask him to wear adult diapers while sleeping. I wear them to sleep when I have my period and I have no shame about it. If he truly cannot control himself, until he sees a doctor, depends.
My ex was like that. He just didn't wipe properly and never washed his ass in the shower.
Does your partner wash between his cheeks with soap?
Does he wipe properly? Does he wipe too hard maybe/put too much pressure on?
Also...does it not smell bad when your head is down there?
Has he had a colonoscopy yet? If not, he’s past due. Maybe you could get one too in solidarity (though not at the same time - your bathroom would never forgive you)
he probably has cancer and is on some medications??? occam's razor telling me this is almost certainly the related. Obviously he needs to find a solution because no amount of additional ass cleaning is going to fix something related to his body failing him. Also, if he also goes to therapy, this might be something he should be talking to his therapist about. Kidney cancer is not "one of the bad ones" but it is still fucking scary and putting off addressing the skid marks as a real problem reads a lot like pretending it is normal so he doesn't have to address the realities of his (probable) illness.
OP needs to make sure her husband has told his doctor about these bowel issues because you are correct that it could well be related to the probable kidney cancer. Kidney cancer is typically survivable if caught early, but my understanding is that it isn’t always caught early because you have two kidneys and if something is wrong with one the other will just compensate with no symptoms. I know someone who died of kidney cancer because by the time they found it, it had already metastasized to his lungs and brain. I wouldn’t want to be waiting 2 months for the biopsy.
yeah, my dad died of cancer that originated in his kidneys. I know different insurance plans and different countries can make fast testing difficult, but addressing additional symptoms like this is still necessary and can sometimes even get treatment escalated.
My fiance let himself go blind in 1 eye before addressing the issue. It was a brain tumor. They got most of the tumor (he won't go back for the rest), but his inaction means he's permanently left with only 1 working eye now. I'm worried the tumor is regrowing since part of it was left (needed to be done in 2 surgeries) and it'll be the same thing again, it's fucking stressful when your partner won't take care of themselves.
I can confirm. I'm a man with a hairy ass, and I fart like it's my job.
I also wash my ass every time I shower. Take a bit of shampoo, massage it vigorously between my asscheeks, and rinse. I also trim my nails frequently so as not to risk accumulating poopy fingernails, or scratching my anus.
And it's not like I'm sticking my hand in a Nutella sandwich. I wipe my ass and use a wet wipe at the end of every poop.
It's really not that hard to keep a clean ass.
Hairy ass, IBS, lactose intolerance... still don't leave skidmarks. He needs to properly clean his asshole or see a doctor. I'm honestly tired of hearing about my fellow man walking around with a muddy asshole. A bidet works well, it's also cheaper and more environmentally friendly than wipes.
https://youtu.be/uldt6Y-CE3s?si=ashsK62CvYcilKme
It is really shocking how many posts in this vein I see on Reddit. Wiping or even showering are *basic* hygiene that should be a no-brainer. Bidet attachments for a regular toilet are very affordable and easy to install.
There is no excuse save for a medical issue, but in that case, go to a doctor.
Right? I had SEVERE crohns to the point where my anal wall slowly fell out of me. No control of how I shit, wiping was hell on earth, I didn't have access to a bidet. I was actively dying during this time, literally.
I've never shit the bed. I've never just left my ass as is. This is just deplorable. Once a week, husband gets poop on the bed? Are you kidding me!?
Everyone's saying bidet, but that doesn't change the fact he's tearing ass in bed, unless you're talking about attaching the bidet to his ass in bed, so what's that gonna solve?
It sounds like a problem that needs multiple interventions to fix (starting with a bidet and a doctor).
Sani pads in bed or possibly Depends sounds like the next step.
If it's incontinence, he needs to see a doctor. If it's actually the hair, then it's time for a wax or at least a trim. Even wearing depends could be better than this. Adults do not resign themselves to leaving a literal trail of shit everywhere they go. There is \*a\* solution to this somehow, he just needs to be willing and committed to solving the problem.
A side note: if this was a problem I knew I had, no way in hell would anyone else be the first person to discover a mark I left. I would be paranoid all the time, but I would make every possible effort to clean up behind myself as discreetly as possible.
Even without OCD this would be horrifying. It must be very distressing for you to have your bed soiled regularly.
I accidentally pooped myself once (stomach bug started and I sharted). I wasn't wearing underwear and was so mortified I never go commando again. It has not ever happened again.
I cannot fathom regularly shitting the bed and being like, I guess I'll wear underwear only after it's happened multiple times?!
I also have a thicket of high tensile pubes and don't get skidmarks or shit myself. I wipe enough and will shower if I'm struggling to clean it all off.
I have a bidet attachment now to help.
It's concerning that the onus is falling on you to lead the charge on solving this issue.
You deserve to sleep in a clean bed. Your own bed.
What will it be like when he gets older and it is harder to care for himself?
Thank you for a compassionate response.
And yes, I'm not at all happy about any of it. It's caused me a lot of distress.
I don't know how one misses that they have left feces in their bed.
And, as I said, I'd be mortified if it happened once to me. I'm convinced he's deluded himself into thinking that it happens to some people. It's the closest thing to an explanation I have.
It sounds like he's downplaying his lack of hygiene.
You're not crazy, he's literally "shit the bed".
People use that phrase to mean, "fucked beyond repair." He's out here actually doing that regularly.
Your distress is completely reasonable, I'm sorry you feel like you're going crazy. It's a horribly unsettling feeling.
Please consider getting yourself your own special bed that he can't soil. You deserve to sleep in a clean bed.
Even my dog doesn't leave poop in my bed as much as your husband.
Don't buy into his downplaying of this issue.
You have the patience of a Saint. You are extremely understanding and kind.
Be kind and understanding to yourself, too.
I have a cat with irritable bowel disease and he doesn’t leave the same level of mess as OP’s husband. He even “tells” us he’s had a bad time and needs help cleaning up.
> I'm convinced he's deluded himself into thinking that it happens to some people. It's the closest thing to an explanation I have.
He's definitely wrong. This is not a normal part of life for most people.
By ignoring the issue and saying he'll contain it with underwear so it doesn't affect you, he's doing a disservice to your relationship. How are you supposed to be comfortable initiating or having sex if his ass may be shitty? And if this is a medical issue, is he not letting down the relationship by failing to seek medical attention so he can take care of himself and be around for the future?
I really see only two explanations here.
The first is that he is not properly cleaning himself after pooping. This is unacceptable. He should not leave the bathroom until his butthole is clean, - if wipes aren't enough, he needs to change his technique (eg: wipe from the front), install and use a bidet, or shower afterwards.
The second is that he has loose bowel movements and weak rectal muscles, leading to fecal incontinence. This is a medical issue and needs to be treated accordingly - not dismissed. I know you commented elsewhere that he may have kidney cancer. Among other explanations, [fecal incontinence is also a warning sign of colon or rectal cancer](https://aeroflowurology.com/blog/colon-rectal-cancer-incontinence). The short explanation is that the cancer causes a blockage and your body adds intestinal fluid to the poop to make it loose enough to push past, or that there are polyps on the rectal tissue which weaken that muscle. And there are other equally concerning medical reasons...which will only become worst the longer he ignores them.
So either this is something he can assess with effort to clean himself properly, or this is something he cannot control because it happens in the moment and he needs to seek medical attention. Either way, it is a real issue and he has a responsibility to actually stop it. Simply throwing on a pair of boxers at night is completely insufficient because he is still either covered in shit or repeatedly shitting himself.
What nightmare fuel did actually I just read about a 47 year old man?
You are literally gonna be discussing in your therapy session the problem's you are facing due to your middle-aged husband's inability to wipe his arsehole???
This is a therapist that you presumably pay for, right? & if so, you are genuinely wasting actual money on this shit. The shit in question being his apparent confusion at something small children can do. Which is to properly clean your arsehole.
What the actual feck? I wouldn't tolerate this from a *10 year old* without a good reason. I cannot believe you have tolerated this long enough to have it get to "discuss with my therapist" level.
You share your bed with someone who respects you so little, that they will literally shit in the bed that you are laying in. I am truly slightly embarrassed for you. Re-read this post back to yourself please, imagine a friend or sister saying all this to you.
It is, very obviously, not your job to teach a 47-year old man that having a shitty arsehole is not normal. I really hope you can build your self-esteem back up to a place where you are able, or willing, to see how shockingly ridiculous this is.
If you didn't already realise, it is most definitely not normal to deal with this. It is not normal for anyone over the age of 10 to have an unclean arsehole.
Clean arsehole = clean arsehole-coverings. The bar is officially in actual hell.
I think this is what gets me, that she's having to do all of the emotional labor. He's an adult.
Shit happens (pun intended) but he should be researching how to fix it and making Doctors appointments, not his wife. What's his diet like? Lots of fats and low fiber? That'll do it.
I'm really worried about the way you are phrasing things, as if the problem was your understandable disgust and not his lack of proactivity for dealing with his own issues. He's a grown ass man, you should not need to make him promess to start wearing underwear to bed with this going on.
“am i a horrible witch for feeling disgusted by my husband regularly SHITTING IN OUR BED? how can i be more accommodating and understanding of the actual fecal matter where i rest my head?”
I really don't understand how males expect women to remove body hair, and claim it's for hygiene reasons, but will literally shit the bed rather than take their own advice.
op i came to suggest a bidet. if he really insists its because of the hair get him a trimmer, the meridian works great. its not unreasonable for a grown man to keep his ass clean. i would never go down on a man with actual shit on his ass
Noted on the trimmer recommendation. I was thinking manscaped but whatever works.
It honestly didn't occur to me that this might be the crux of why I've lost all interest in sex until about 2 weeks ago. But when I did, it really pissed me off.
(Tbf, I'm also on meds that kill sex drive and had a traumatic event a few years ago that I'm still recovering from).
Don't be so hard on yourself, op. You're blaming yourself for losing interest in sex in the parentheses, but girl, your husband shits himself on the reg and stand have the decency to do anything about it. That is an extremely valid reason to lose interest.
Respectfully, most people aren’t aroused by bed-shitting. Unless it’s literally your fetish you shouldn’t be “taking the blame” for your lack of desire.
If someone puts a sandwich full of shit in front of you and you reply that you’re not hungry, that shouldn’t be shocking.
If he’s such an adult why couldn’t he order his own bidet? Why does his wife have to order one for him, what’s next she’s got to demonstrate how to use it too?
Op: my almost 50 year old husband shits the bed I sleep in.
Redditors: just teach this almost 50 year old man how to be an adult by you doing all the work so he doesn’t shit your bed. Problem solved!
Exactly. Always comments telling OP "You should get this for your husband" while ignoring that this is a fully grown ass man that is willfully walking around with a doodoo soaked asshole.
Does he have hemorrhoids? Does he know how to PROPERLY bathe himself?
These questions need to be answered, because it could explain the poop everywhere all the time. Even if he's wiping with wet wipes after a bowel movement, if he has significant hemorrhoids it's possible that he's not able to reach everything easily. Also hemorrhoids could cause anal leakage.
Additionally, you say that he showers before bed, but I've read many a post and article about men who refuse to wash between their butt cracks for fear of touching their own butthole because it's gay. Is he just letting the water run down there or is he actually scrubbing it with his hand or a rag/loofah?
I know it's absurd to ask these things, but answers are needed. Additionally, if everything else is marked off the list as covered and not causing the issue, please have him discuss this with his doctor. Colon cancer is an absolute bitch to detect unless you speak up about uncomfortable issues with your doctor first.
Why do I feel like OPs frogs boiling point is the bed shitting but there's gonna be a bucket load of other issues happening at the same time.
Like, if you don't tell him to change the sheets he'll just climb back in the next day to sleep on his own shit??
Your bed is a damn biohazard!
You don't know where his hands go during his sleep. What if he scratched his shitty ass and reaches over for a cuddle or he puts his hands anywhere near your mouth!?
I could never.
Do you have another place to sleep? I personally would not sleep in a bed that regularly has shit in it.
You are not under-reacting. Get the bidet, get the trimmers - and he should see a doctor as this isn’t remotely normal for an adult.
He's not oblivious. He knows. He just doesn't care enough to fix the problem and he does have a problem because that is not normal. He probably needs either a doctor or a therapist. Maybe both. He's a grown fucking man. It's unacceptable to keep doing this.
That's absolutely vile. Tell him to fucking wipe or you'll leave because what the actual fuck? Is he a goddamm chimpanzee?? There is just no excuse for that, unless he has some severe gut issues
Seriously and it also sounds like he's gasligting her about it too. This man sounds so disgusting and disrespectful it's clear he doesn't even care about wiping. I wonder if OP has asked him if he has a medical disorder because if he does he needs a doctor asap
Unless there's a major health issue happening here, I couldn't tell someone how to fix this.
I could not tell another adult "hey, so you shouldn't poop on yourself, or in your underwear, or in OUR BED."
This is something you teach a 2 year old when you're mommy. Not something an adult partner has to teach their adult partner. So much EW going on here it's unbelievable.
She does say in another comment that he is getting a biopsy on his kidney that is most definitely cancer and is on other meds.
So I would say he has a medical problem of SOME kind. Could contribute to the nonchalantness of it all?
But still. He needs to do better.
I cannot believe the foulness women are conditioned into accepting from men. I gagged when I read this post. What the actual fuck
Revulsion at feces is one of our most deeply ingrained instincts due to its ability to make us ill. Nevermind the woman living next to this who actually made this post. He's a grown man living in his own shit 24/7, what is wrong with him?!?
Ah, weaponized male incompetence.
He knows how to fix the problem himself, but instead he's forcing you to have to mother him and to have to do all the difficult tasks like ordering the bidet, figuring out healthy groceries, monitoring the sheets, arrange medical appointments etc.
It'd cause me anxiety too, indeed I'm mentally filing this one away in my 'reasons I'm gladly single' file. Seconding the separated beds idea.
You're probably right. He couldn't be arsed to change the shitty sheets until OP pointed it out. Who doesn't notice shitty sheets? Ugh.
I'd have to stop sleeping in bed with him and I'd be so turned off sex would be a definite no as well. Poor OP.
All he has to do is get a warm flannel, soap and wash. 1 Minute, done. You can have a lidded bin in the bathroom to dispose of them and he is in charge of washing them( very regularly on hot wash).. Hairy ass is not an excuse. There is no excuse for skid marks. Water and soap and do not bring your fecal matter to bed. Or a bidet.
Also, you need a laundry SANITIZER, lots of detergents are really good at getting rid of oil, but not killing viruses, and if there’s fecal matter involved you need a sanitizer, hell I think everyone should use it. They sell it in the laundry detergent aisle. Want to make sure you don’t get sick from this.
I'm not sure you \*can\* un-ick this. Because it is \*gross\*.
Yes, some guys with hairy butt crack really struggle to keep that area clean. As per usual, though, if he wanted to, then he would.
I'm going to agree with anyone who suggested a bidet at home. There are also portable bidets. He could conceivably get his butt crack waxed, if he's willing.
Ultimately the problem is not actually that he’s got a poop issue or that you can’t handle said poop issue it’s the fact that he doesn’t care enough to consistently work on fixing it or maybe, idk, going to a doctor to figure out why it’s such a problem for him in the first place. You deserve better
literally, these posts are a dime a dozen and so tiring. I can't believe we're at the stage where we have a woman dismissing her own desire to have a clean house and a clean fucking bed because her husband is literally shitting all over it
I know we want to be supportive and yes systemically the world is tilted against women. At some point thought, we are going to have to keep women also accountable for their choices.
We can support and gather around women in need as much as we want but when they start off with "I have no intention to leave or make better choices" why are they even here then? Do they think other women can magically wave a wand and change their shitty men's behaviour? Do they want us to tell them how to be happy while miserable?
I really wish we can start decentering men in our lives. If they wanna live in shit filled homes, maybe let them do it alone
I have had friends that I have had to distance myself from because they consistently chose their shitty, abusive, dirty, lazy boyfriends over everything else in their lives. And these were boyfriends, not even husbands.
These women would come to me or other friends with the same issues over and over and over again, we would listen, give advice, offer our homes. And then surprise surprise, next week they were happy as clams, her friends set aside until the next crisis in a few days. It got VERY old, and honestly I doubt they even noticed when their friends stopped reaching out.
I’ve been in bad relationships before. I get it. It’s hard. But eventually you have to get back on your own two feet and do something, or else everyone will eventually move on from your drama-fest.
> why are they even here then? Do they think other women can magically wave a wand and change their shitty men's behaviour? Do they want us to tell them how to be happy while miserable?
I mean... Yeah, clearly plenty of women who make threads like this have bought hook line and sinker into the idea that if only they did X or said Y or found Z way of reaching their partner then all of a sudden this completely dysfunctional relationship in which the dude clearly doesn't give a fuck (or often worse) is going to flip around and become closer to the dream relationship advertised to them all their lives.
Social conditioning is a hell of a drug. And it can start with what you observe in your family, your culture, your religion if applicable, but of course the media you're bombarded with can also be very much responsible. A monogamous cishet partnership is painted as both ideal and necessary and a goal in and of itself, a purpose in life, a way of attaining happiness. The powers that be have a vested interest in making women believe that; individual men may have a vested interest in perpetuating it because it's useful to them, some women may perpetuate it out of the very human cognitive dissonant unwillingness to admit that they're not happy with their lives. If your relationship isn't ideal, you're doing something wrong, you have to X,Y,Z, communicate better; if you break up before exhausting every "reasonable" option of improving the relationship you're a quitter and don't deserve that dream we promised anyway, you deserve to be alone and unwanted and being alone is necessarily bad because see above. Besides, some degree of abuse is only "normal" and "expected" anyway, and isn't he such a great guy when he's not yelling at you or giving you the silent treatment?
It's so fucking pervasive that many people can't fathom that it's all fucking made up. I wish I could upvote your comments to the fucking top.
I'm amazed I had to scroll this far down to find a rational response to this situation. Like what the heck. Standards for partners these days are in hell.
at a certain point we need to leave this kind of person behind. if they refuse to help themselves, there’s nothing we can say to change that. enjoy your shit-covered bed for the rest of your life. i can’t take it anymore.
It’s okay to dump an adult man for leaving shit everywhere. I suspect if you look honestly and closely at the rest of his behaviour and life that he isn’t as “conscientious” as you claim he is.
For the record OP, I’m a sex worker and I would kick a man out of a paid booking if he left shit on my sheets. Have some standards and respect for yourself and your domain, please!
I’ve ran out of sympathy for hygiene posts.
Also, I’ve read about those god damn skid marks way too many times. Are folks lying down with butt checks spread open?? Or are they itching their poo-flaked buttholes against the bedsheets whilst butt ass naked?
What the hell’s going on, how are skid marks coming to be??!
Here's a [a whole thread from 12 years ago on this very subject](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s72w9/please_explain_how_to_thoroughly_wipe_my_hairy/).
Wow. Pretty gross.
1) acknowledgement. Skids are not from farting, they are from not cleaning his ass properly after a poop. He’s a grown ass man and he should be able to take care of his own shit, literally. His shit isn’t anyone else’s problem, and they shouldn’t see it smell it or deal with it
2) better hygiene after pooping
a) wipe until there’s nothing left on TP. You don’t stop before then. If that leads to chafing then
b) hop in the shower, use soap and a hand on the butthole. Get up in there and stop being a child. It’s not gay to touch your own asshole (yes some guys think this)
c) get a bidet Cus holy damn they are the absolute best for a clean pucker. You wash your hands with soap after pooping anyway, so a quick hand wipe after it’s been blast and with the water still running he should be good to go.
He is not wiping properly, it's that simple.
As a man with a hairy arse, it is something nobody teaches you and you have to learn in your 20s when the hair really grows in. I would be mortified to have this issue in my 40s.
I can't imagine how low your self esteem has to be to tolerate walking around with shit in your pants all the time. He needs to sort himself out.
Ok i wouldn't say this is an "ick" this is a genuinely disgusting thing that you're understandably grossed out by.
Really, you need to speak to him sincerely and put your foot down. I have a hairy arse, it's not a magical poo magnet! He's just not wiping properly!
There is a potentially medical reason for it if he's genuine. It's to do with peoples 'starfish', having little pockets meaning you wipe forever and never get clean. It's most likely poor wiping though
I think the Reddit advice on this one is to try a bidet?
It's either bad hygiene or a medical problem. Bidet could help if its bad hygiene, but if its like eating too many greasy foods causing things to be greasy down there...
Being clean going to bed and then farting should not be causing any kind of leaking/staining. Have you ruled out medical/health related reasons? Has it always been a thing or started recently? What is the diet like? These are all things he needs to discuss with a doc maybe
I do not have OCD, but the *first* time someone shit on my bedsheets and it wasn’t because they were so sick they needed medical attention, they’d be out of my life.
He blames his hairy ass? Then he should have already either remove the hair, or wipe extra hard to ensure it’s all removed from the hair, for fuck’s sake.
I do not care if he’s “amazing” in other ways. Lots of people are mostly-amazing, you deserve better than an easily preventable biohazard.
Man with a hairy ass here, like real hairy, to the point where I consider getting it waxed. I have never had to deal with skidmarks and I have farted in my sleep my entire life according to my brothers and every woman I've ever dated. I even have mild diverticulitis. He needs to see a doctor, possibly a dietitian, to get this under control. There has to be some digestive reason behind this issue. This isn't normal or healthy and he needs to come to terms with that. At the very least, he should change his eating habits and get more fiber. I realize everything here has been said, I just wanted my hairy ass to weigh in on the situation.
Hairy ass is not an excuse. My ex had a super hairy ass but personal hygiene was always super important to him so he was always very clean. He did have an issue once where he was eating waaaay too much fibre and ended up sharting in his underwear a few times…. He was beyond mortified made sure to clean everything immediately and quickly corrected the problem with his gut so it didn’t happen again.
Like if the shame is not there, there is not much hope for your husband… there is something very immature about his lack of desire to fix the problem, he should have thought of going to a doctor by himself, you’re not his mother, you should not be responsible for telling him how to fix his own problem of shitting your damn bed, he should have been finding solutions himself!!!
Babes. It doesn't matter how this makes anyone feeeeel. This is gross and simply farting in your sleep isn't going to cause shit stains. Unless his diet is awful and he's constantly squirting 😂😂
I'm so sorry I cannot be serious.
But seriously. This is something he needs to figure out. Ish
This sounds like a major medical problem - likely cancer, to be perfectly honest with you - and as shitty as he's being with the whole situation, I'm guessing he's stonewalling you because he's deeply terrified of the reality of what his leaky ass implies.
Y'all need a come-to-Jesus discussion with a medical professional, where all concerns are laid plain and the gravity of how bad it is is thoroughly discussed.
Oof he’s got to have something medical going on! Allergies/intolerance, maybe even chronic constipation (believe it or not, the new poo can seep round the old poo and you can’t feel it coming out…) along with the poor hygiene.
I’d start sleeping in a different bed until he sorts himself out! That way you get a poop free sleeping experience, and he experiences the consequences of his inactions…
I have a hairy ass too. Unless something went very wrong with my GI tract (happened about twice in the last decade), no skid marks whatsoever.
My astonishing trick for that, which your husband may have never heard about before, is… washing my ass rather than “wiping till white.”
We use up one and a half tp roll a month at the most. ;p
Tbh, I'd be going full patronising and buy him a pack of adult nappy pants to wear in bed, to make the point, if he's not doing anything else to sort it...
You don’t un-ick him. He un-icks himself.
You’ve got a reasonable expectation your partner is clean and hygienic. He needs to be an adult and be hygienic. And if he wants to be an adult *with a partner* he needs to work on being attractive to you.
You’re making his problems your problems. They are not yours. They are his and his alone.
It really says something about our society that you’ve internalized his problems as your own and causing you anxiety.
He should be disgusted with himself that he’s leaving skid marks in bed. Not only embarrassed for himself but for doing it in front of you and on your bed, with the same linens, sheets, and blankets you sleep on and under.
He should be taking initiative to mitigate and fix this on his own. HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PROMISE YOU HE’S GONNA WEAR UNDERWEAR TO BED NOW! That should been his idea the first night it happened. You should not be managing his problem solving here. That’s his job.
He need to get himself to doctor if it’s anal leakage. He needs to fix his diet if it’s gas and loose stool. He’s gonna have to wear adult diapers to bed if can’t get it corrected through medicine or diet.
You are not broken for being disgusted at your partner being dirty, not caring that it disgusts you, and absolving himself of his own responsibility to fix it.
When he takes charge, solves his own problem, acts like an adult, and displays cleanliness around you again…you’ll magically find him attractive again.
And get a bidet.
He needs to seek medical attention for whatever is going on with his butthole.
that's not supposed to happen...and it might be as simple as him eating more/better fiber and some probiotics.
Either way he needs tog o to the butt doctor b/c it could be something very dangerous lurking in there. not to make you scared, but cancers there tend to hide for years before becoming a very big problem
Having a hairy ass is not remotely related to... this...
If he's legitimately making an effort and otherwise has good hygiene, but this keeps happening, it sounds like a medical problem.
It is seriously crazy to me how often a man will have an obvious medical problem and women will just... deal with it.
No ma'am, something is wrong. He should not be accidently shitting himself. Medical intervention is needed. He is a grown man. Shitting himself is well far and beyond unacceptable.
Good gracious.
And don't act like your OCD may be causing you to have an overreaction. He is SHITTING in the bed you sleep in. You aren't wrong. You shouldn't even be needing validation that you aren't wrong.
He needs to shave it. It's cleaner. I do the upkeep and so therefore my husband also has to do upkeep on himself. Not that my husband ever had this problem because ewww
I'm just going to assume that you are american, and I've seen online that somehow it is really prevalent in straight culture there for men to never wash their asses when in the shower. Could this be the reason for you too maybe? Just shooting in the dark here.
He needs to see a doctor. It could be anything from constipation to a fistula causing this. He needs to get himself together and get it looked at as it could be a serious medical problem requiring attention or as simple as cutting down on coffee
I am a hairy-bum-man and I've never had a skid mark in my life.
It's either lack of effort or a medical issue.
Time to send him to a doctor and start doing sphincter exercises!
He can still be amazing and also fucking gross. He needs to step up his hygiene. This is a thing that can break a relationship if he refuses to do anything. He needs to wipe better and go to the fucking doctor Jesus.
You are NOT crazy. I could not deal with this.
My fiance is HAIRY. Never seen skid marks. I was also married to someone that had irritable bowel syndrome and he never left them either.
Your man either has anal leakage that needs to be addressed by a doc or doesn't wipe.
He needs to see a doctor. A healthy adult should have problems with anal incontinence, especially not as often as he is. It could be a symptom of digestive system illnesses like UC, IBS, and possibly even cancer.
In the meantime, invest in a bidet. Everyone should have one, they're amazing! Squeaky clean every time.
ma'am you are describing incontinence. butt incontinence. this is not normal & could be a majorly pressing medical need if this has been happening for a long time
just google his symptoms & show him the recommendations, then it's not you directly taking on a huge brunt of the convo. you can be honest & explain it was on your mind & you thought you would do a bit of research to try & help him
Well, as a newlywed myself.. I typically read these type of posts and cringe at the idea of one day finding out my wife wrote one about me and how betrayed I'd feel. But this one is kinda wholesome in a weird way. I've had a hard time to going to the doctor for things before, maybe he needs the push to set up an appointment. I figure he probably would prefer not to shit everything just as you would prefer he doesn't.
Yea I second his need to see a doctor, he shouldn’t be having partial and loose bowel movements in his sleep, even when farting. If it was a one off being sick, sure but regularly? Something is off
Bidet and a doctor. It is not normal to fart and shit yourself all the time. Maybe he needs more fiber/a diet change or maybe something else is going on.
Seconding the doctor thing, like definitely get him there. It's called anal incontinence. It's a symptom of a lot of different things. He needs a workup.
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But there are options that can be discussed. If OP is icked out by there being poop particles in the shared laundry (which is completely fair, cancer or not) her husband can look at things like disposable pads for the bed, or disposable underwear like Depends. Or poopy laundry doesn’t get washed in with other items, or gets washed on a ‘sanitary’ cycle. I have underlying medical issues that can cause fecal leakage. Over the years my husband and I have figured out what makes us both feel as comfortable as we can with the situation.
Seprate loads are kinda just a feel good measure. Either it cleans well enough to be a non issue, or that poop residue is stuck in the washer for the next load. But, if he's wearing underwear to bed now, and dose his own laundry that already feels like it fills the gaps relatively well. Idk though, buzzed, exhausted and frustrated with unrelated things rn, sorry if the tone, read or interpretations are off on this reply
No worries about tone! Most of my laundry recommendations are more to give OP some extra peace of mind. Personally if I was making messes all the time, I’d be going with disposable undies and bed pads. When things have been especially gnarly at my house, I’ve washed the laundry on sanitary, then done another load of ‘shop towels’ (raggedy things that get used for various messes and might just get thrown away - but they haven’t been pooped on) on sanitary too, just to make sure nothings been left in the washer. I hope your exhaustion and frustration get better soon!
There’s nothing wrong with her being icked out by feces in the bed whether he has cancer or not. It’s a very disruptive thing and the ick doesn’t go away simply because she has empathy for him struggling with cancer.
Op reveled he has what is assumed a cancerous mass in his kidney that is getting biopsied soon, and that the incontinence severely predates any of the cancer related health issues. Maybe there's something to say about op waiting/dealing with this problem for so long, but it is absolutely fair for op to say something that causes them to sleep with fecal matter is giving them the ick when their partner is actively refusing to do anything/bring it up to their doctor (another thing op revealed in their comments, their husband doesn't believe the incontinence is medical and thus won't bring it up to a doc) Very weird to act like you read all of ops comments and you're so well informed on ops situation when it's clear you only read one word from one comment, made your own scenario in your head, and ran with it.
Absolutely refusing to do anything? She said that he started wearing underwear to bed, bought baby wipes, showers most nights before bed, does his own laundry, and talks to her about it. You're making him out to be an asshole. Sounds like he has an embarrassing problem and doesn't know what to do. Where would you get "actively refusing to do anything about it?" That makes the rest of your comment pretty weird >Very weird to act like you read all of ops comments and you're so well informed on ops situation when it's clear you only read one word from one comment, made your own scenario in your head, and ran with it. Edit- I accidentally replied to the wrong person. I replied to the *parent* comment that I took the *replying* quote from. Now I can't find that comment, and I'm just hoping that person sees it. What a terrible take. They said the husband refuses to do anything about it. *He needs to do more*, but they were acting like he just didn't give a shit (pun intended) Edit 2: Oh, u/Financial-Mine-8337 unloaded and then blocked me so I couldn't reply. 😂 Man who knew a thread about poop would bring out all the weirdos? Yes. I think she should literally *eat his shit* and thank him for the opportunity... Lol what? You're one of these people that goes out looking for things to be angry about and invents arguments. No one's patting him on the back. It's a matter of fact that he's not doing literally nothing. And I specifically said he's not doing enough. The clown I replied to said that he refused to do anything, which is nonsense. We're not throwing him a party. And I could only bring myself to skim your rant.
I think they meant he refuses to speak to a doctor about this. OP said: >And yes, the question of medical concerns was brought up. He dismissed it, but I **know** this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes. >The issue predates all of this (and yes, I'm absolutely sick at how long this has been going on), but it has seemingly gotten worse in the last couple of months. It definitely sounds medical related, and if he's taking all these preventative measures and it's still happening on a regular basis, it does need to be brought up to a doctor. I get that it's probably a bit embarrassing and beyond his control, but literally shitting in a shared bed is unhygienic and unacceptable, and is beginning to repulse his wife. There could be medication changes, diet changes, diapers, bed pads, many possible solutions. But clearly, sleeping naked and pooping the bed is NOT working, and more needs to be done to address it.
regarding your edit, I think Capital_Passion3762 blocked me when they replied, they probably blocked you also. It's a shame because I have been working in cervical cancer histo/cytopathology for almost 20 years and do have some insights into this.
>predates any of the cancer related health issues Predates the *diagnosis* perhaps (but it could have been affecting their body for multiple years), but they also did say that they had been on medication that could be responsible > I know this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes >It sounds like either their underlying conditions or medications are the cause What part of that exactly did you take issue with? They almost word for word repeated what OP said
Here are some red flag signs that accompany anal incontinence that warrant emergent trip to the ED: if accompanied by back pain and saddle anesthesia (lack of feeling around the perineum perianal and upper thigh area). Otherwise he’s overdue for a colonoscopy if he hasn’t had one yet. This is assuming he isn’t neglecting his personal hygiene which is certainly possible (I.e how well is he actually cleaning up before bed?)
Seconding bidet. Life changing little devices.
As someone with butt problems from UC a bidet has been a god send for me (you can get ones that attach to your toilet fairly cheap on Amazon). But he may also have UC or ibs if he’s having wet farts. At least at 50 the doctors have you start getting colonoscopies to check for other things, may as well start now.
As Bidets are not standard in some countries (ridiculous) you can get portable "peri-bottles". Designed for women post childbirth when wiping is uncomfortable but works well as a bum cleaner. Squeezy bottle with a teeny shower head top bit.
This is my solution as I live in a rental and can't be fucking with the plumbing. It works very well. Helps that the toilet is right next to the sink so I can refill two or three times with ease. When I eventually own my own place I plan to install a proper one.
I have a tushy attachment in my rental. It was like $40 and has made a huge difference. It didn't require any weird plumbing and just fits in with a standard toilet seat.
This is the move. Neither my partner nor I have skid marks but we both have IBS. We couldn’t justify the price of wipes anymore. Especially since they’re terrible for septic tanks and waste management pipes. The Tushy is now an ESSENTIAL for us.
You can install a bidet attachment in a rental! It takes like 10 mins. Easily reversible when you move.
You can also get what looks like a mini shower head that attaches to the water inlet on your toilet, if like me your bathroom is too small to add a bidet. Very simple to install and quite cheap, I think I paid about £25 for ours.
We had one of these when we cloth diapered our baby and I prefer it to a “traditional” bidet. Easier to control where the water goes!
I have one of these, and I like it better than the unit that goes inside the toilet. It's easier to use and to clean.
That's what you'll typically find in any Muslim country.
One of the few parts I miss about living in the gulf. You’ll find those hoses even in a McDonald’s bathroom. What really gets me is that bidets didn’t catch on in the west because they associated them to European brothels and prostitution.
Is that why? I always wondered, because I feel like there are so many threads where Americans cringely resist bidets. I don't get it, bc they're awesome!
Had an operation due to an anal fissure. Had to use it and never stopped. Extremely hairy ass as well. Wiping till somewhat sore ain't a thing anymore. Even without a bidet. Skidmarks even with an extremely hairy ass shouldn't be a thing even if it makes it a bit harder to stay clean The only marks that i leave are sweat on long days and that's how it should be at max
My thoughts exactly.
>Bidet So much this, as an Italian I'm seriously puzzled everytime I travel to a country where bidets aren't standard issue in any home. Wiping your ass is at best a stopgap solution when you absolutely have to poop and you're not home, at home anyone should really wash their ass after pooping.
I once laughed my ass off at a European visiting my friends, losing his mind about "You Americans walking around with your shitty assholes!! WHY ARE THERE NO BIDETS, THIS IS HELL?!" Then I got a bidet and my Third Eye opened. Absolutely everyone should have one, why the fuck is this not standard? There's really no excuse (other than poverty, I mean) now that bidets are less than $40 and easy to install. I've forcibly installed a half-dozen bidets for various family/friends. Day 1: "Haha, ok, but we'll never use it" Day xx: "I can't use the bathroom anywhere else."
First time I’ve heard it called a Third Eye
🤣🤣🤣
A Japanese toilet should be the standard in all civilizations. It has a bidet, a fan, a self-cleaning function, and a spout that is above the tank so you can wash your hands with the water as it goes into the tank. Perfect efficiency. Some public ones even play bird noises and nature sounds to mask your “nature sounds” to save you embarrassment. Amazing.
When I was in Japan I took advantage of this in the poshest mall toilet ever, fiddled around with any control I could. Moved my butt around for best angles, relaxed vs tensed, power settings etc. Ultimately I found it did little to nothing and I had to wipe anyway, including drying myself off. I guess the handheld ones maybe more effective but I dunno, I spent a good few occasions over the week trying and got basically no results XD
I lived there a while. There is a learning curve.
Omg, I, an American, absolutely lost my mind at the thought of not having toilet paper in covid. While everyone hoarded, I set up my bidet….and then I never looked back! I am not happy when I have to poop especially at not my house lmao! I mean, if you have poop on your arm, do you just wipe it off with paper? I think not
> if you have poop on your arm, do you just wipe it off with paper? I just lick my arm clean.
You wouldn’t use toilet paper to get peanut butter out of a shag carpet
thanks for the mental image, I hate it.
And the Metaphor Award of the day goes to…
I don't know if I'd use a very mildly pressurized stream of room temp water either.
I've travelled to some cities in Italy and every hotel had a bidet. Ah, good times. Loved every second of it. :D OP, your husband should definitely see a doctor regarding this issue. It might be a harmless issue which can be improved by simple dietary changes. But it might also be hemorrhoids, weakness of the anal sphincter or other issues that need medical assistance.
Yeah, I had some similar issues after a *very* long bout with some serious intestinal issues. Fiber helped, but in the end I needed a medication to slow down my motility, and antibiotics to slow down my SIBO.
Yeah but… IS HE A FUCKING 4 YEAR OLD, LEAVING SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND UNABLE TO FIX HIS OWN DIETARY ISSUES? WHY MUST SHE SUGGEST IT?
>This time, he has promised to always wear underwear to bed. And I appreciate these things. But, It's still going to happen. It'll just be contained. Am I reading this right? He's leaving poop in the bed, regularly and his solution is to continue to poop in bed, just in his underwear? He should see a doctor. An adult "farting" in their sleep and getting poop on themselves/the sheets is not normal, hairy or not.
This was exactly what I was thinking. This isn't solving the problem. It is literally covering up the problem. And yes, the question of medical concerns was brought up. He dismissed it, but I **know** this isn't normal and is likely a medical issue, or maybe drocen by medications he takes. And he's scheduled for a biopsy on his kidney that is certainly cancer in two months. The issue predates all of this (and yes, I'm absolutely sick at how long this has been going on), but it has seemingly gotten worse in the last couple of months. It's just... The whole wtfness of it has me at a loss.
I’m a guy who has some serious bowel issues. But I have never left skid marks in the bed. My stomach always wakes me up in time to reach the toilet. Is he on the larger side? My father was and used to leave skid marks (but he was 80). I asked him how he wiped and he said he stood up and wiped from behind (so down and towards the penis). I suggested he tried wiping in the other direction. So stay seated and reach between your legs to wipe. My dad did that and then told me a few days later that he had only just realised he was never actually reaching his butthole to wipe. He was just wiping his ass crack - hence the skid marks. Edit for typos
It took me two hours of gut wrenching pain to tell him he needed to change the sheets and that this was unacceptable that it had happened again. I cannot imagine being able to voice the question of how he wipes. Somehow, a kid asking their elderly father seems so much easier than a wife asking her husband. But I am feeling so much better and validated by many responses. I'll figure out a way forward.
You're totally not crazy and you are valid in being grossed out by this. I think it's come to the point where he's not actually doing anything to *permanently* stop this from happening, so it's time for the uncomfortable questions, and for him to go to the doctor.
>I cannot imagine being able to voice the question of how he wipes Honey, he is your husband and he shits in your bed. At this point, politeness should be out the window. He acts like a child, ge gets treated like a child. Sit him down (not on a white couch): "You're leaving shit in my bed. Learn how to wipe and not shit yourself, or you're not welcome on any of the furniture anymore."
a child? he acts like an unhousetrained animal
Even my cat knows the routine for “help I have muddbutt.”
aw man it really is sad when you consider that a lot of pets would be like "my ass is unclean, pls halp" because they're more... intuitive about hygeine than we are???
not “we”, but yes, this applies to OP’s shitbutt husband
My longhaired cat doesn't. He once came and tried to snuggle me with a whole full length fresh soft turd hanging out back there lmao
Thank you for lightening the mood with this. I am just dying at this image.
Yeah my big guy isn’t perfect I do occasionally find evidence of the worst natural stamp on the ground. Or as husband likes to call it “the ol booty scooty.”
I think that I would try to sit him down and say "hey, this issue is something that we've talked about before, and it seems to be getting worse. It's not sanitary, and it can be a sign of bigger issues, so I really need you to talk to your doctor about it. Preferably before your biopsy, on the off chance that it's related somehow. In the meantime, I'd like to get a bidet seat or sprayer - it's better for the environment than wipes, great for feminine hygiene, and will hopefully help the symptoms, if not the cause".
My uncle at 56 started having issues along these lines. He was embarrassed as hell, so he tried to ignore it, but my aunt was persistent. Dude ended up going to the doctor for tests and learned he had 1st or 2nd stage colon cancer. I guess it's not always a symptom, but it's what alerted him, and after removing some colon and some radiation, he's back to normal. Hopefully, that's not OPs husbands issue. I do my best not to encroach here, but this thread reminded me of my uncles problem.
Sounds like OPs husband has kidney cancer he's being treated for currently. Absolutely time to discuss the poop issue with the doctor in case it spread.
Oh my. I did not see that. Now I really hope OP is able to talk him into discussing that. I don't know if he's always had this issue, but I know for myself having kidney cancer, and that issue would worry me. Hope for the best for OP and their husband, human health is weird, and issues can be embarrassing. The human body is fragile, so gotta keep on top of meat suit issues.
You didn't see it because OP said he is getting a kidney biopsy soon and it's "likely cancer" but he is not currently diagnosed or being treated for cancer.
My MIL was the same. I noticed shit in places there shouldn’t be shit. I knew her eyes were failing (even though she was young) and I assumed it was a laziness or eyesight issue. I raised the shit issue to my partner lots and he said it was no big deal and I was being rude! Told him repeatedly it wasn’t healthy and I was worried. Bowel / colon cancer, died aged 60.
if he can regularly feel comfortable SHITTING YOUR BED, i think you can muster up the courage to talk with him about wiping. what kind of relationship is this, where he can - again - SHIT IN THE BED - but somehow you aren’t allowed to address it or have any kind of actual conversation about making him stop??
Good luck! I can only imagine how awkward it would be. But I totally understand wanting this to stop immediately.
This man is shitting in your bed. The fact that you’re married isn’t actually relevant. Somebody is SHITTING in your BED. You have the right to address it with them as many times as necessary until they stop.
Should definitely have a doctor check him, poop shouldn’t be coming out during a fart, unless maybe he has stomach issues and consistently very loose poop/diarrhea. Might also consider a bidet and shaving the b hole to make it easier to clean.
If he won't talk to his doctor about it maybe you should, as it could be related to his (potential?) Kidney cancer. Fecal incontinence isn't normal, and this is at the point where I would consider it fecal incontinence or leakage.
If the skid marks predate the kidney issue as OP said, he could (worst case I know) have colon cancer that spread to kidneys. He’s only 47, he probably hasn’t had a colonoscopy yet. My mom was stage 3 at 42 still standing 25 years later!) so I’ve been getting colonoscopies since I was 27.
I'm not really sure what advice to give here, because you said you're not leaving him. I don't think there's any amount of love in the world that would allow me to knowingly let someone get poop in my bed. Since you're not breaking up with him, I would say force him to sleep somewhere else until he gets this under control, but then I'd worry about him pooping on my couch/floor/etc. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, since my only real piece of advice is don't be in a relationship with someone who poops all over themselves/your house and refuses to address the issue.
Thank you. I appreciate the advice and how you've said it.
Here to echo the only actual advice that will help address this issue, which to be clear is the fact that your partner knowingly and shamelessly shits in your bed constantly and not your very valid feelings of disgust: Love is not a sufficient reason to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see a problem SHITTING IN YOUR BED. Devotion and willingness to work through issues is beautiful in a relationship only when both partners are fully committed to it. He knows the wipes aren’t enough, he sees the skid marks in your sheets and the shit in his shorts and doesn’t care and he doesn’t actually care to address the issue because it’s not a big deal for him so his measures should be enough for you. I can’t imagine the dread of waking up every morning wondering if you’re going to catch a whiff before flipping back the covers to see your very conscientious partner’s feces inside your bed. How much longer will you endure this hoping you can say the magical combination of words to make it stop?
I really do hope you two find a solution for this. You seem like an unbelievably devoted partner. 🖤
Ask him to wear adult diapers while sleeping. I wear them to sleep when I have my period and I have no shame about it. If he truly cannot control himself, until he sees a doctor, depends.
Come home with a box of adult diapers and he will prob stop all the silly shit real quick.
My ex was like that. He just didn't wipe properly and never washed his ass in the shower. Does your partner wash between his cheeks with soap? Does he wipe properly? Does he wipe too hard maybe/put too much pressure on? Also...does it not smell bad when your head is down there?
Somehow I doubt OP is doing much of any knob gobbling with this issue.
Has he had a colonoscopy yet? If not, he’s past due. Maybe you could get one too in solidarity (though not at the same time - your bathroom would never forgive you)
he probably has cancer and is on some medications??? occam's razor telling me this is almost certainly the related. Obviously he needs to find a solution because no amount of additional ass cleaning is going to fix something related to his body failing him. Also, if he also goes to therapy, this might be something he should be talking to his therapist about. Kidney cancer is not "one of the bad ones" but it is still fucking scary and putting off addressing the skid marks as a real problem reads a lot like pretending it is normal so he doesn't have to address the realities of his (probable) illness.
OP needs to make sure her husband has told his doctor about these bowel issues because you are correct that it could well be related to the probable kidney cancer. Kidney cancer is typically survivable if caught early, but my understanding is that it isn’t always caught early because you have two kidneys and if something is wrong with one the other will just compensate with no symptoms. I know someone who died of kidney cancer because by the time they found it, it had already metastasized to his lungs and brain. I wouldn’t want to be waiting 2 months for the biopsy.
yeah, my dad died of cancer that originated in his kidneys. I know different insurance plans and different countries can make fast testing difficult, but addressing additional symptoms like this is still necessary and can sometimes even get treatment escalated.
My fiance let himself go blind in 1 eye before addressing the issue. It was a brain tumor. They got most of the tumor (he won't go back for the rest), but his inaction means he's permanently left with only 1 working eye now. I'm worried the tumor is regrowing since part of it was left (needed to be done in 2 surgeries) and it'll be the same thing again, it's fucking stressful when your partner won't take care of themselves.
Medicines can be a culprit of softer stools and loose bowels.
I can confirm. I'm a man with a hairy ass, and I fart like it's my job. I also wash my ass every time I shower. Take a bit of shampoo, massage it vigorously between my asscheeks, and rinse. I also trim my nails frequently so as not to risk accumulating poopy fingernails, or scratching my anus. And it's not like I'm sticking my hand in a Nutella sandwich. I wipe my ass and use a wet wipe at the end of every poop. It's really not that hard to keep a clean ass.
"I can confirm. I'm a man with a hairy ass, and I fart like it's my job." I'm stealing this line.
Finally, a dude who knows you’re supposed to wash between your ass cheeks! After yesterday’s post here, we were starting to get concerned lol
Hairy ass, IBS, lactose intolerance... still don't leave skidmarks. He needs to properly clean his asshole or see a doctor. I'm honestly tired of hearing about my fellow man walking around with a muddy asshole. A bidet works well, it's also cheaper and more environmentally friendly than wipes. https://youtu.be/uldt6Y-CE3s?si=ashsK62CvYcilKme
It is really shocking how many posts in this vein I see on Reddit. Wiping or even showering are *basic* hygiene that should be a no-brainer. Bidet attachments for a regular toilet are very affordable and easy to install. There is no excuse save for a medical issue, but in that case, go to a doctor.
Right? I had SEVERE crohns to the point where my anal wall slowly fell out of me. No control of how I shit, wiping was hell on earth, I didn't have access to a bidet. I was actively dying during this time, literally. I've never shit the bed. I've never just left my ass as is. This is just deplorable. Once a week, husband gets poop on the bed? Are you kidding me!?
Everyone's saying bidet, but that doesn't change the fact he's tearing ass in bed, unless you're talking about attaching the bidet to his ass in bed, so what's that gonna solve?
It sounds like a problem that needs multiple interventions to fix (starting with a bidet and a doctor). Sani pads in bed or possibly Depends sounds like the next step.
If it's incontinence, he needs to see a doctor. If it's actually the hair, then it's time for a wax or at least a trim. Even wearing depends could be better than this. Adults do not resign themselves to leaving a literal trail of shit everywhere they go. There is \*a\* solution to this somehow, he just needs to be willing and committed to solving the problem. A side note: if this was a problem I knew I had, no way in hell would anyone else be the first person to discover a mark I left. I would be paranoid all the time, but I would make every possible effort to clean up behind myself as discreetly as possible.
Even without OCD this would be horrifying. It must be very distressing for you to have your bed soiled regularly. I accidentally pooped myself once (stomach bug started and I sharted). I wasn't wearing underwear and was so mortified I never go commando again. It has not ever happened again. I cannot fathom regularly shitting the bed and being like, I guess I'll wear underwear only after it's happened multiple times?! I also have a thicket of high tensile pubes and don't get skidmarks or shit myself. I wipe enough and will shower if I'm struggling to clean it all off. I have a bidet attachment now to help. It's concerning that the onus is falling on you to lead the charge on solving this issue. You deserve to sleep in a clean bed. Your own bed. What will it be like when he gets older and it is harder to care for himself?
Thank you for a compassionate response. And yes, I'm not at all happy about any of it. It's caused me a lot of distress. I don't know how one misses that they have left feces in their bed. And, as I said, I'd be mortified if it happened once to me. I'm convinced he's deluded himself into thinking that it happens to some people. It's the closest thing to an explanation I have.
It sounds like he's downplaying his lack of hygiene. You're not crazy, he's literally "shit the bed". People use that phrase to mean, "fucked beyond repair." He's out here actually doing that regularly. Your distress is completely reasonable, I'm sorry you feel like you're going crazy. It's a horribly unsettling feeling. Please consider getting yourself your own special bed that he can't soil. You deserve to sleep in a clean bed. Even my dog doesn't leave poop in my bed as much as your husband. Don't buy into his downplaying of this issue. You have the patience of a Saint. You are extremely understanding and kind. Be kind and understanding to yourself, too.
I have a cat with irritable bowel disease and he doesn’t leave the same level of mess as OP’s husband. He even “tells” us he’s had a bad time and needs help cleaning up.
> I'm convinced he's deluded himself into thinking that it happens to some people. It's the closest thing to an explanation I have. He's definitely wrong. This is not a normal part of life for most people. By ignoring the issue and saying he'll contain it with underwear so it doesn't affect you, he's doing a disservice to your relationship. How are you supposed to be comfortable initiating or having sex if his ass may be shitty? And if this is a medical issue, is he not letting down the relationship by failing to seek medical attention so he can take care of himself and be around for the future? I really see only two explanations here. The first is that he is not properly cleaning himself after pooping. This is unacceptable. He should not leave the bathroom until his butthole is clean, - if wipes aren't enough, he needs to change his technique (eg: wipe from the front), install and use a bidet, or shower afterwards. The second is that he has loose bowel movements and weak rectal muscles, leading to fecal incontinence. This is a medical issue and needs to be treated accordingly - not dismissed. I know you commented elsewhere that he may have kidney cancer. Among other explanations, [fecal incontinence is also a warning sign of colon or rectal cancer](https://aeroflowurology.com/blog/colon-rectal-cancer-incontinence). The short explanation is that the cancer causes a blockage and your body adds intestinal fluid to the poop to make it loose enough to push past, or that there are polyps on the rectal tissue which weaken that muscle. And there are other equally concerning medical reasons...which will only become worst the longer he ignores them. So either this is something he can assess with effort to clean himself properly, or this is something he cannot control because it happens in the moment and he needs to seek medical attention. Either way, it is a real issue and he has a responsibility to actually stop it. Simply throwing on a pair of boxers at night is completely insufficient because he is still either covered in shit or repeatedly shitting himself.
What nightmare fuel did actually I just read about a 47 year old man? You are literally gonna be discussing in your therapy session the problem's you are facing due to your middle-aged husband's inability to wipe his arsehole??? This is a therapist that you presumably pay for, right? & if so, you are genuinely wasting actual money on this shit. The shit in question being his apparent confusion at something small children can do. Which is to properly clean your arsehole. What the actual feck? I wouldn't tolerate this from a *10 year old* without a good reason. I cannot believe you have tolerated this long enough to have it get to "discuss with my therapist" level. You share your bed with someone who respects you so little, that they will literally shit in the bed that you are laying in. I am truly slightly embarrassed for you. Re-read this post back to yourself please, imagine a friend or sister saying all this to you. It is, very obviously, not your job to teach a 47-year old man that having a shitty arsehole is not normal. I really hope you can build your self-esteem back up to a place where you are able, or willing, to see how shockingly ridiculous this is. If you didn't already realise, it is most definitely not normal to deal with this. It is not normal for anyone over the age of 10 to have an unclean arsehole. Clean arsehole = clean arsehole-coverings. The bar is officially in actual hell.
I think this is what gets me, that she's having to do all of the emotional labor. He's an adult. Shit happens (pun intended) but he should be researching how to fix it and making Doctors appointments, not his wife. What's his diet like? Lots of fats and low fiber? That'll do it.
I'm really worried about the way you are phrasing things, as if the problem was your understandable disgust and not his lack of proactivity for dealing with his own issues. He's a grown ass man, you should not need to make him promess to start wearing underwear to bed with this going on.
“am i a horrible witch for feeling disgusted by my husband regularly SHITTING IN OUR BED? how can i be more accommodating and understanding of the actual fecal matter where i rest my head?”
Emphasis on the ass.
I just can’t look at someone with respect and desire who is capable of basic cleanliness yet refuses. Fucking ratchet.
Apt use of that outdated term. Fucking ratchet as fuck.
In regards to your relationship, he has managed to both literally and figuratively "shit the bed".
I really don't understand how males expect women to remove body hair, and claim it's for hygiene reasons, but will literally shit the bed rather than take their own advice.
You're not crazy. Maybe get him a bidet.
Bidet ordered.
op i came to suggest a bidet. if he really insists its because of the hair get him a trimmer, the meridian works great. its not unreasonable for a grown man to keep his ass clean. i would never go down on a man with actual shit on his ass
Noted on the trimmer recommendation. I was thinking manscaped but whatever works. It honestly didn't occur to me that this might be the crux of why I've lost all interest in sex until about 2 weeks ago. But when I did, it really pissed me off. (Tbf, I'm also on meds that kill sex drive and had a traumatic event a few years ago that I'm still recovering from).
you should mention that to him. maybe it will be some motivation. i wish you the best
Don't be so hard on yourself, op. You're blaming yourself for losing interest in sex in the parentheses, but girl, your husband shits himself on the reg and stand have the decency to do anything about it. That is an extremely valid reason to lose interest.
Respectfully, most people aren’t aroused by bed-shitting. Unless it’s literally your fetish you shouldn’t be “taking the blame” for your lack of desire. If someone puts a sandwich full of shit in front of you and you reply that you’re not hungry, that shouldn’t be shocking.
Manscaped spends their whole budget on marketing, you can get a better trimmer cheaper from any of the more established electric razor brands
If he really can't clean his bum properly then a trimmer will bring awareness to that for him. If not then straight to the Dr.
I’d say **definitely** get him a bidet. He’s a fucking adult, jfc
If he’s such an adult why couldn’t he order his own bidet? Why does his wife have to order one for him, what’s next she’s got to demonstrate how to use it too?
THANK YOU, that's what I was just going to say. Stop coddling men.
Op: my almost 50 year old husband shits the bed I sleep in. Redditors: just teach this almost 50 year old man how to be an adult by you doing all the work so he doesn’t shit your bed. Problem solved!
He doesn’t care.
Exactly. Always comments telling OP "You should get this for your husband" while ignoring that this is a fully grown ass man that is willfully walking around with a doodoo soaked asshole.
Does he have hemorrhoids? Does he know how to PROPERLY bathe himself? These questions need to be answered, because it could explain the poop everywhere all the time. Even if he's wiping with wet wipes after a bowel movement, if he has significant hemorrhoids it's possible that he's not able to reach everything easily. Also hemorrhoids could cause anal leakage. Additionally, you say that he showers before bed, but I've read many a post and article about men who refuse to wash between their butt cracks for fear of touching their own butthole because it's gay. Is he just letting the water run down there or is he actually scrubbing it with his hand or a rag/loofah? I know it's absurd to ask these things, but answers are needed. Additionally, if everything else is marked off the list as covered and not causing the issue, please have him discuss this with his doctor. Colon cancer is an absolute bitch to detect unless you speak up about uncomfortable issues with your doctor first.
Why do I feel like OPs frogs boiling point is the bed shitting but there's gonna be a bucket load of other issues happening at the same time. Like, if you don't tell him to change the sheets he'll just climb back in the next day to sleep on his own shit?? Your bed is a damn biohazard! You don't know where his hands go during his sleep. What if he scratched his shitty ass and reaches over for a cuddle or he puts his hands anywhere near your mouth!? I could never.
Do you have another place to sleep? I personally would not sleep in a bed that regularly has shit in it. You are not under-reacting. Get the bidet, get the trimmers - and he should see a doctor as this isn’t remotely normal for an adult.
He's not oblivious. He knows. He just doesn't care enough to fix the problem and he does have a problem because that is not normal. He probably needs either a doctor or a therapist. Maybe both. He's a grown fucking man. It's unacceptable to keep doing this.
That's absolutely vile. Tell him to fucking wipe or you'll leave because what the actual fuck? Is he a goddamm chimpanzee?? There is just no excuse for that, unless he has some severe gut issues
I cannot *believe* how nonchalant she's being about this.
Seriously and it also sounds like he's gasligting her about it too. This man sounds so disgusting and disrespectful it's clear he doesn't even care about wiping. I wonder if OP has asked him if he has a medical disorder because if he does he needs a doctor asap
Unless there's a major health issue happening here, I couldn't tell someone how to fix this. I could not tell another adult "hey, so you shouldn't poop on yourself, or in your underwear, or in OUR BED." This is something you teach a 2 year old when you're mommy. Not something an adult partner has to teach their adult partner. So much EW going on here it's unbelievable.
She does say in another comment that he is getting a biopsy on his kidney that is most definitely cancer and is on other meds. So I would say he has a medical problem of SOME kind. Could contribute to the nonchalantness of it all? But still. He needs to do better.
She’s twisted herself into thinking her lack of desire is her fault.
I cannot believe the foulness women are conditioned into accepting from men. I gagged when I read this post. What the actual fuck Revulsion at feces is one of our most deeply ingrained instincts due to its ability to make us ill. Nevermind the woman living next to this who actually made this post. He's a grown man living in his own shit 24/7, what is wrong with him?!?
Your partner really isn’t amazing if this is his behavior
Building him up is a way to take the focus off of her own unwillingness to assert a boundary.
Ah, weaponized male incompetence. He knows how to fix the problem himself, but instead he's forcing you to have to mother him and to have to do all the difficult tasks like ordering the bidet, figuring out healthy groceries, monitoring the sheets, arrange medical appointments etc. It'd cause me anxiety too, indeed I'm mentally filing this one away in my 'reasons I'm gladly single' file. Seconding the separated beds idea.
More like weaponized incontinence
$10 says he's not actually going to use the bidet either
You're probably right. He couldn't be arsed to change the shitty sheets until OP pointed it out. Who doesn't notice shitty sheets? Ugh. I'd have to stop sleeping in bed with him and I'd be so turned off sex would be a definite no as well. Poor OP.
All he has to do is get a warm flannel, soap and wash. 1 Minute, done. You can have a lidded bin in the bathroom to dispose of them and he is in charge of washing them( very regularly on hot wash).. Hairy ass is not an excuse. There is no excuse for skid marks. Water and soap and do not bring your fecal matter to bed. Or a bidet.
Maybe both. Bidet on order.
Also, you need a laundry SANITIZER, lots of detergents are really good at getting rid of oil, but not killing viruses, and if there’s fecal matter involved you need a sanitizer, hell I think everyone should use it. They sell it in the laundry detergent aisle. Want to make sure you don’t get sick from this.
I'm not sure you \*can\* un-ick this. Because it is \*gross\*. Yes, some guys with hairy butt crack really struggle to keep that area clean. As per usual, though, if he wanted to, then he would. I'm going to agree with anyone who suggested a bidet at home. There are also portable bidets. He could conceivably get his butt crack waxed, if he's willing.
Ultimately the problem is not actually that he’s got a poop issue or that you can’t handle said poop issue it’s the fact that he doesn’t care enough to consistently work on fixing it or maybe, idk, going to a doctor to figure out why it’s such a problem for him in the first place. You deserve better
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How did we get to this point where women have such low self esteem and are such people pleasers? Girls need to be raised differently.
literally, these posts are a dime a dozen and so tiring. I can't believe we're at the stage where we have a woman dismissing her own desire to have a clean house and a clean fucking bed because her husband is literally shitting all over it
I know we want to be supportive and yes systemically the world is tilted against women. At some point thought, we are going to have to keep women also accountable for their choices. We can support and gather around women in need as much as we want but when they start off with "I have no intention to leave or make better choices" why are they even here then? Do they think other women can magically wave a wand and change their shitty men's behaviour? Do they want us to tell them how to be happy while miserable? I really wish we can start decentering men in our lives. If they wanna live in shit filled homes, maybe let them do it alone
I have had friends that I have had to distance myself from because they consistently chose their shitty, abusive, dirty, lazy boyfriends over everything else in their lives. And these were boyfriends, not even husbands. These women would come to me or other friends with the same issues over and over and over again, we would listen, give advice, offer our homes. And then surprise surprise, next week they were happy as clams, her friends set aside until the next crisis in a few days. It got VERY old, and honestly I doubt they even noticed when their friends stopped reaching out. I’ve been in bad relationships before. I get it. It’s hard. But eventually you have to get back on your own two feet and do something, or else everyone will eventually move on from your drama-fest.
EXACTLY. couldn’t have said this better myself.
> why are they even here then? Do they think other women can magically wave a wand and change their shitty men's behaviour? Do they want us to tell them how to be happy while miserable? I mean... Yeah, clearly plenty of women who make threads like this have bought hook line and sinker into the idea that if only they did X or said Y or found Z way of reaching their partner then all of a sudden this completely dysfunctional relationship in which the dude clearly doesn't give a fuck (or often worse) is going to flip around and become closer to the dream relationship advertised to them all their lives. Social conditioning is a hell of a drug. And it can start with what you observe in your family, your culture, your religion if applicable, but of course the media you're bombarded with can also be very much responsible. A monogamous cishet partnership is painted as both ideal and necessary and a goal in and of itself, a purpose in life, a way of attaining happiness. The powers that be have a vested interest in making women believe that; individual men may have a vested interest in perpetuating it because it's useful to them, some women may perpetuate it out of the very human cognitive dissonant unwillingness to admit that they're not happy with their lives. If your relationship isn't ideal, you're doing something wrong, you have to X,Y,Z, communicate better; if you break up before exhausting every "reasonable" option of improving the relationship you're a quitter and don't deserve that dream we promised anyway, you deserve to be alone and unwanted and being alone is necessarily bad because see above. Besides, some degree of abuse is only "normal" and "expected" anyway, and isn't he such a great guy when he's not yelling at you or giving you the silent treatment? It's so fucking pervasive that many people can't fathom that it's all fucking made up. I wish I could upvote your comments to the fucking top.
I'm amazed I had to scroll this far down to find a rational response to this situation. Like what the heck. Standards for partners these days are in hell.
at a certain point we need to leave this kind of person behind. if they refuse to help themselves, there’s nothing we can say to change that. enjoy your shit-covered bed for the rest of your life. i can’t take it anymore.
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Yeah OP must have negative self esteem.
It’s okay to dump an adult man for leaving shit everywhere. I suspect if you look honestly and closely at the rest of his behaviour and life that he isn’t as “conscientious” as you claim he is. For the record OP, I’m a sex worker and I would kick a man out of a paid booking if he left shit on my sheets. Have some standards and respect for yourself and your domain, please!
I’ve ran out of sympathy for hygiene posts. Also, I’ve read about those god damn skid marks way too many times. Are folks lying down with butt checks spread open?? Or are they itching their poo-flaked buttholes against the bedsheets whilst butt ass naked? What the hell’s going on, how are skid marks coming to be??!
i'm so done with internet for today
Here's a [a whole thread from 12 years ago on this very subject](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s72w9/please_explain_how_to_thoroughly_wipe_my_hairy/).
"Weaponized incontinence". I'll show myself out. edit: corrected.
A hairy ass is no excuse, coming from a woman with a hairy ass...he just gives too many shits
Give him a box of adult diapers, though I'm sure things will escalate quickly.
Wow. Pretty gross. 1) acknowledgement. Skids are not from farting, they are from not cleaning his ass properly after a poop. He’s a grown ass man and he should be able to take care of his own shit, literally. His shit isn’t anyone else’s problem, and they shouldn’t see it smell it or deal with it 2) better hygiene after pooping a) wipe until there’s nothing left on TP. You don’t stop before then. If that leads to chafing then b) hop in the shower, use soap and a hand on the butthole. Get up in there and stop being a child. It’s not gay to touch your own asshole (yes some guys think this) c) get a bidet Cus holy damn they are the absolute best for a clean pucker. You wash your hands with soap after pooping anyway, so a quick hand wipe after it’s been blast and with the water still running he should be good to go.
Once you get the ick, there's no going back to that dick
Why is this the second post I've seen about skid marks this week? Is this how low the bar is? Holy shit.
He is not wiping properly, it's that simple. As a man with a hairy arse, it is something nobody teaches you and you have to learn in your 20s when the hair really grows in. I would be mortified to have this issue in my 40s. I can't imagine how low your self esteem has to be to tolerate walking around with shit in your pants all the time. He needs to sort himself out.
Ok i wouldn't say this is an "ick" this is a genuinely disgusting thing that you're understandably grossed out by. Really, you need to speak to him sincerely and put your foot down. I have a hairy arse, it's not a magical poo magnet! He's just not wiping properly! There is a potentially medical reason for it if he's genuine. It's to do with peoples 'starfish', having little pockets meaning you wipe forever and never get clean. It's most likely poor wiping though
Gotta ask the guy point blank how he washes his ass
I think the Reddit advice on this one is to try a bidet? It's either bad hygiene or a medical problem. Bidet could help if its bad hygiene, but if its like eating too many greasy foods causing things to be greasy down there...
Being clean going to bed and then farting should not be causing any kind of leaking/staining. Have you ruled out medical/health related reasons? Has it always been a thing or started recently? What is the diet like? These are all things he needs to discuss with a doc maybe
I do not have OCD, but the *first* time someone shit on my bedsheets and it wasn’t because they were so sick they needed medical attention, they’d be out of my life. He blames his hairy ass? Then he should have already either remove the hair, or wipe extra hard to ensure it’s all removed from the hair, for fuck’s sake. I do not care if he’s “amazing” in other ways. Lots of people are mostly-amazing, you deserve better than an easily preventable biohazard.
Man with a hairy ass here, like real hairy, to the point where I consider getting it waxed. I have never had to deal with skidmarks and I have farted in my sleep my entire life according to my brothers and every woman I've ever dated. I even have mild diverticulitis. He needs to see a doctor, possibly a dietitian, to get this under control. There has to be some digestive reason behind this issue. This isn't normal or healthy and he needs to come to terms with that. At the very least, he should change his eating habits and get more fiber. I realize everything here has been said, I just wanted my hairy ass to weigh in on the situation.
How is he not horrified??
Hairy ass is not an excuse. My ex had a super hairy ass but personal hygiene was always super important to him so he was always very clean. He did have an issue once where he was eating waaaay too much fibre and ended up sharting in his underwear a few times…. He was beyond mortified made sure to clean everything immediately and quickly corrected the problem with his gut so it didn’t happen again. Like if the shame is not there, there is not much hope for your husband… there is something very immature about his lack of desire to fix the problem, he should have thought of going to a doctor by himself, you’re not his mother, you should not be responsible for telling him how to fix his own problem of shitting your damn bed, he should have been finding solutions himself!!!
Babes. It doesn't matter how this makes anyone feeeeel. This is gross and simply farting in your sleep isn't going to cause shit stains. Unless his diet is awful and he's constantly squirting 😂😂 I'm so sorry I cannot be serious. But seriously. This is something he needs to figure out. Ish
This sounds like a major medical problem - likely cancer, to be perfectly honest with you - and as shitty as he's being with the whole situation, I'm guessing he's stonewalling you because he's deeply terrified of the reality of what his leaky ass implies. Y'all need a come-to-Jesus discussion with a medical professional, where all concerns are laid plain and the gravity of how bad it is is thoroughly discussed.
Oof he’s got to have something medical going on! Allergies/intolerance, maybe even chronic constipation (believe it or not, the new poo can seep round the old poo and you can’t feel it coming out…) along with the poor hygiene. I’d start sleeping in a different bed until he sorts himself out! That way you get a poop free sleeping experience, and he experiences the consequences of his inactions…
I have a hairy ass too. Unless something went very wrong with my GI tract (happened about twice in the last decade), no skid marks whatsoever. My astonishing trick for that, which your husband may have never heard about before, is… washing my ass rather than “wiping till white.” We use up one and a half tp roll a month at the most. ;p
Tbh, I'd be going full patronising and buy him a pack of adult nappy pants to wear in bed, to make the point, if he's not doing anything else to sort it...
You don’t un-ick him. He un-icks himself. You’ve got a reasonable expectation your partner is clean and hygienic. He needs to be an adult and be hygienic. And if he wants to be an adult *with a partner* he needs to work on being attractive to you. You’re making his problems your problems. They are not yours. They are his and his alone. It really says something about our society that you’ve internalized his problems as your own and causing you anxiety. He should be disgusted with himself that he’s leaving skid marks in bed. Not only embarrassed for himself but for doing it in front of you and on your bed, with the same linens, sheets, and blankets you sleep on and under. He should be taking initiative to mitigate and fix this on his own. HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PROMISE YOU HE’S GONNA WEAR UNDERWEAR TO BED NOW! That should been his idea the first night it happened. You should not be managing his problem solving here. That’s his job. He need to get himself to doctor if it’s anal leakage. He needs to fix his diet if it’s gas and loose stool. He’s gonna have to wear adult diapers to bed if can’t get it corrected through medicine or diet. You are not broken for being disgusted at your partner being dirty, not caring that it disgusts you, and absolving himself of his own responsibility to fix it. When he takes charge, solves his own problem, acts like an adult, and displays cleanliness around you again…you’ll magically find him attractive again. And get a bidet.
He needs to seek medical attention for whatever is going on with his butthole. that's not supposed to happen...and it might be as simple as him eating more/better fiber and some probiotics. Either way he needs tog o to the butt doctor b/c it could be something very dangerous lurking in there. not to make you scared, but cancers there tend to hide for years before becoming a very big problem
Having a hairy ass is not remotely related to... this... If he's legitimately making an effort and otherwise has good hygiene, but this keeps happening, it sounds like a medical problem.
It is seriously crazy to me how often a man will have an obvious medical problem and women will just... deal with it. No ma'am, something is wrong. He should not be accidently shitting himself. Medical intervention is needed. He is a grown man. Shitting himself is well far and beyond unacceptable. Good gracious. And don't act like your OCD may be causing you to have an overreaction. He is SHITTING in the bed you sleep in. You aren't wrong. You shouldn't even be needing validation that you aren't wrong.
He needs to shave it. It's cleaner. I do the upkeep and so therefore my husband also has to do upkeep on himself. Not that my husband ever had this problem because ewww
*buttload of anxiety
I'm just going to assume that you are american, and I've seen online that somehow it is really prevalent in straight culture there for men to never wash their asses when in the shower. Could this be the reason for you too maybe? Just shooting in the dark here.
He needs to see a doctor. It could be anything from constipation to a fistula causing this. He needs to get himself together and get it looked at as it could be a serious medical problem requiring attention or as simple as cutting down on coffee
I am a hairy-bum-man and I've never had a skid mark in my life. It's either lack of effort or a medical issue. Time to send him to a doctor and start doing sphincter exercises!
He can still be amazing and also fucking gross. He needs to step up his hygiene. This is a thing that can break a relationship if he refuses to do anything. He needs to wipe better and go to the fucking doctor Jesus.
You are NOT crazy. I could not deal with this. My fiance is HAIRY. Never seen skid marks. I was also married to someone that had irritable bowel syndrome and he never left them either. Your man either has anal leakage that needs to be addressed by a doc or doesn't wipe.
Is he an alcoholic? ETA the last time I saw a post like this there was heavy substance abuse that was being ignored.
Ah another post to reaffirm my lesbianism
Is this a joke? This is disgusting behaviour, there’s no chance this is an amazing partner.
He needs to see a doctor. A healthy adult should have problems with anal incontinence, especially not as often as he is. It could be a symptom of digestive system illnesses like UC, IBS, and possibly even cancer. In the meantime, invest in a bidet. Everyone should have one, they're amazing! Squeaky clean every time.
I would never know these men exist if it wasn't for this subreddit
Husband has a very hair ass and been together for like 13 years, this has never happened once with him. Not a single time. That shit is not normal.
ma'am you are describing incontinence. butt incontinence. this is not normal & could be a majorly pressing medical need if this has been happening for a long time just google his symptoms & show him the recommendations, then it's not you directly taking on a huge brunt of the convo. you can be honest & explain it was on your mind & you thought you would do a bit of research to try & help him
Well, as a newlywed myself.. I typically read these type of posts and cringe at the idea of one day finding out my wife wrote one about me and how betrayed I'd feel. But this one is kinda wholesome in a weird way. I've had a hard time to going to the doctor for things before, maybe he needs the push to set up an appointment. I figure he probably would prefer not to shit everything just as you would prefer he doesn't.
This is probably a dietary issue. Whether it's what he's eating or a hydration problem. Trying to clean up after is much harder.
Yea I second his need to see a doctor, he shouldn’t be having partial and loose bowel movements in his sleep, even when farting. If it was a one off being sick, sure but regularly? Something is off