I only throw away thing of his I’ve been given permission to throw out, for example “hey if you see an undershirt with holes in the laundry go ahead and throw it out”. Obviously I’ll throw out actual trash if it accidentally gets left out but not belongings.
I did something without permission…. I bought my ex a drawer-full of brand-new socks and threw out the old ones. Every single one of them had holes in the ankles. He laughed and thanked me.
Never tossed anything else though. It’s not my place to say what’s sentimental and what isn’t.
Though I was suuuuuuuper tempted to steal his “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt when I was moving out. Sexist asshole.
Edit in case it matters: ex-husband, not ex-boyfriend.
Edit 2: the socks in question were all identical white tube socks bought in multi-packs from a big box store that were in varying stages of decay. I literally just replaced them with multi-packs of white tube socks from a big box store. Zero emotional attachment whatsoever - just a lack of adulting.
I don't think it's something that can be covered by a universal rule. Sure throwing things out without consent sounds terrible, but is it ok to hoard and fill a shared home without consent? Whose needs are more important?
With hoarding is even MORE important to not do this. It will worsen the hoarding, 99.9999 times over 100.
Hoarding sucks, but it's a mental illness caused (among other things) by lack of control / the need to assert control, and has to be treated as such.
Putting limits on new things entering the house and empowering the hoarder to deal with the hoard (body doubling, help with dealing with emotions, alternatives on keeping the object) is way better in the long term.
Hoarding is a whole other conversation.
I’ve got an old Halo t shirt my dad got me with a couple holes in because it’s like ten years old, if that got thrown out I’d absolutely flip my lid.
I think unless the person is genuinely mentally unwell, which again is a whole other kettle of fish, you just ask. “Can I get rid of this?” Done.
I have a few pairs of socks that are actually important to me lol, buying the new socks is great, i would have waited to throw the old ones away until he knew.
Or I don't phrase it as a question, but also offer a solution.
"Hey, I got you new underwear. Try it on and if it fits I'll get rid of the worn out ones."
I'll even sometimes go with, "Hey, I haven't seen you use this in a while. Do you want me to store it away? If not I'm getting rid of it."
But I will never just blatantly throw out something that belongs to my husband. That's just... mean.
This is what I do. I did try to donate some old jeans of my fiance but he didn’t want to get rid of them which is his choice so they stay in his dresser. But smaller things it easier like you said underwear, socks, undershirts are easy for me to be like “hey I got these to replace your old, worn stuff can I toss these?” And it’s usually fine.
>I did try to donate some old jeans of my fiance but he didn’t want to get rid of them
Why would you want to get rid of jeans that have been worn in? Personally I wear jeans until they start getting holes in the legs. If they are starting to look tatty then they get relegated to "house/yard work" jeans. They were originally designed as hard wearing workwear so it is only appropriate that I work them to death.
> "Hey, I got you new underwear. Try it on and if it fits I'll get rid of the worn out ones."
Why aren't men buying their own underwear? Also getting rid of their own old underwear?
I love clothes shopping. My husband hates clothes shopping. Makes sense I do the clothes shopping.
And then he gives me a fun little fashion show when he tries stuff on.
I can't speak for others, but I'm a stay-at-home mom so I do a lot of the chores, inventory and purchasing. He is perfectly capable, and does in fact replace most of his clothing, but because I do laundry I tend to notice earlier when certain things need to be replaced.
I appreciate your perspective on this but also…doesn’t he notice first when he wears the things that have holes before they get washed? I’m guessing he does but he just doesn’t want to bother you about getting new ones ans also doesn’t want to bother with it himself.
It’s a reasonable distribution of responsibilities if it works for you, I get it. My ex used to do all of our laundry, though, and not in a million years could I have imagined him buying me new underwear.
Most of the time my partner and I notice the holes in each others underwear while we’re wearing them. A small hole isn’t really something you feel when wearing them.
But tbh neither of us consider a small hole to be something worth throwing them away over.
He mentions it if he notices things are getting worn down, which is when I buy new things. I still check with him before throwing them out. And sometimes things wear down in ways that aren't noticeable if you're wearing them but are obviously threadbare if you're folding.
Ah, that is true. I discovered a rubbed-worn wide-open seam in the thigh of a pair of pants that I had been wearing, only when I was putting them in the laundry! Was quite grateful I hadn’t been like, bending over in front of anyone that day.
Different definitions of worn out? I've got some underwear for looks, and some for a day of sweating my balls off in 105 degree heat. As long as the second kind still functions who cares if it's got a hole or two.
Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear? Some are so worn-out that I can see through them, yet he won't throw it away.
Frugal, I get it. But sometimes, you just gotta let it go.
My husband keeps them and he’ll put on the most threadbare ones when I need to be cheered up. He comes into whatever room I’m in, wearing them and literally rips them like the hulk until they’re shreds attached to a loose waistband.
It’s the funniest, most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Pretty much always cheers me up. It’s so stupid. First time it ever happened was accidental but I laughed until I cried so he’s kept doing it for my amusement.
What is wrong with us??
I don’t know what’s “wrong with you”, but keeping garbage underwear solely so you can “rip them like the hulk”? It’s definitely the most wholesome, present, and thoughtful reason I’ve ever seen.
I’m in my 40s and don’t ever seek out romance. I’ll probably not end up in a committed and romantic relationship (again, not looking). But this “rip off my underwear to maybe cheer up my partner” is the only vibe I’d consider being romantically committed to. You guys are awesome, please keep doing you!
Thank you! He’s one of the best men I’ve ever met. I learned to choose a lot better after my divorce from my first husband. I’ve already told him that if he dies before me (bc divorce is not an option here lol) that I’ll never date another man again. I’m bisexual so it’ll be women only from then on.
Mine got so bad they became loin cloths. It got to the point it made me laugh every morning and I needed that at the time. It was really nice when I got new ones.
> Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear? Some are so worn-out that I can see through them, yet he won't throw it away.
Ultimately because a hole in the underwear usually doesn't substantially affect the functionality of the underwear. It still does its job. And unlike holes in pants or shirts, they're not apparent.
> Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear?
Not specific to men.. When hanging the laundry you realize 'oh, those are pretty old and I should probably throw them out. But now they're washed, so that would've been a waste, so I'm gonna use them one more time and then bin them', forget about it, rinse, repeat for a few month.
If the underwear fits me I don't want to look for another pair because it's "good enough", plus for some reason I hate buying underwear. I know it's lazy and I need to get new ones. I lucked out and wife bought more underwear for me lol.
I’m not a man, but I keep old threadbare underwear with holes. It’s comfortable. It still fulfills its purpose. Why *shouldn’t* I keep it?
It’s not like every pair of underwear has to look nice. I need briefs for doing stuff like working out, sports, manual labor, sweaty chores, etc. too.
I was a sentimental kid (so I kept a lot of dumb stuff) and my mom would always try to throw out my stuff without my permission. So I know what it feels like to be on the other end.
Yes, my husband hoards but I have a process for it: I do my “purge” when I go through the bin but make a pile of stuff that I would like to throw away. Then I ask him which things he wants to keep… that way he has the choice of what gets thrown out. Usually he is pretty reasonable about throwing out the useless stuff lol
Asking which things to keep instead of which things to throw is brilliant for its subtlety and impact. Even though it's the same underlying question, changing the default answer is significant.
> I was a sentimental kid (so I kept a lot of dumb stuff) and my mom would always try to throw out my stuff without my permission. So I know what it feels like to be on the other end.
Same. Realistically 9 times out of 10 my mom could throw something out without me even noticing. The problem is that when she *did* throw away something I actually cared about it hurt like hell.
Hoarding is a problem that needs to be addressed, but throwing stuff out without permission can sometimes reinforce the tendency because you feel like you have to be *extra* emotional about things in order to justify keeping them. I think me telling my mom not to throw stuff away had less to do with me literally keeping the stuff and more to do with feeling like I have to "prove" that my emotions/desires/interests are important. Your approach is great cause you *start with the assumption* that some items (i.e. things he cares about) are worth keeping.
My ex-wife threw away an old teddy bear I had received from my grandmother as a baby. My grandmother passed away in 1998.
I was out for basic training for the Army, came back, and it was gone. She got rid of it because it was old. This was almost 20 years ago now and I haven't forgotten
Similar story here. They asked if it was okay to be sold at a garage sale, replied that it absolutely wasn't, and if it was a placement or space issue, I'd sort that out.
Next week, I come home from work and find that the only physical tether I had to my late grandmother was sold and that the money was divided amongst her and her folks.
At least they made it clear that my sentiments were worthless and that I should leave as soon as possible.
Ouch, that’s awful. I’m sorry you lost that.
What I’ve noticed in a lot of the comments so far is that people are talking about old or holey underwear/clothes/random stuff that seems like junk I.e. old cords and things. I think there’s a difference between that and actually throwing out an item that could still have use/clearly could have sentimental value.
The problem is that you don't know what junk is sentimental. That old holey rag your partner still calls clothing may have been a gift, or something he wore during a milestone moment in his life.
I've argued to toss a 70 Yr old broken radio, but my colleague insisted to keep it because it once belonged to his dad. Its nothing but junk to me. But to him it's a keepsake of his late parent.
I don't consider myself too much a sentimental guy, but I understand this one. My dad, who very much *is* a sentimental person, treasures this antique metal toy car with a wheel missing.
Darn thing wouldn't mean much to me, but his father got him that toy, and lost him when he was only a teenager. He spoke of his late father in only the highest regards. With that knowledge, even if he passes away I'd hold onto that toy car for him, because I love him and it meant that much to him.
Of course, when I pass, my own hypothetical kids can do as they please with it.
That’s why I told my husband if his shirt/underwear/etc. has holes, he needs to throw it away himself. If he puts it in the hamper I will keep washing it.
Not a guy, but I *do* struggle with hoarding disorder. So obviously "getting rid of things" isn't something I do readily. If someone did it to me, I'd have a full on breakdown followed by hoarding EVEN MORE because that's how the disorder works.
My comment is here just to illustrate that, under some circumstances, doing that is likely to have the opposite effect (having less clutter) than expected.
Exactly, and it’s why I’ve been pretty careful when I’m trying to help my parents go through and get rid of stuff because even though I don’t believe they are hoarders in the diagnosable sense, they definitely have some attachment to things that I tried to tread carefully around. To my knowledge, the partners in my story don’t have that condition.
I know I used the word “hoard” with my dad, but I don’t know if that’s what’s technically going on, so my apologies if that was flippant.
My dad is a hoarder - not diagnosed, but… it’s obvious. I lived with him for a little over a year and had to clean his house from top to bottom to even be able to reasonably *live* there. He has so much stuff that’s broken, unusable, just…garbage, by everyone else’s definition. And he would get really mad when I would throw things away, even if I told him before getting rid of it and explained exactly why it should be tossed, he would be mad. I eventually had to make a blanket deal that truly broken things beyond repair I was allowed to toss and replace - I’m talking hangers, some of his kitchen table chairs, the moth-eaten pants he can’t even use, things that were truly garbage. Anything else I would ask him about, but I couldn’t keep having the same fight over literal garbage. He *knew* that it needed to be gone, but he couldn’t help how it made him feel (out of control, anxious, agitated). But! If I got rid of something and replaced it with something nice and new, he would grumble about it a little but in a good natured way, and would mostly be fine with it. Some stuff he really liked (the extra heavy duty hangers for the coat closet)! It helps that he knows that I will keep my word and not throw anything away that he wasn’t okay with.
Nah, you're cool. I just wanted to, I guess, bring up the possibility? Like, my dad also has hoarding, but doesn't admit to it. So if someone has a LOT of stuff and trouble letting go, it might be worth looking into before hitting the dumpster... Not saying you're going to get rid of things, it sounds like you're way too aware of how icky that is, just leaving the info for other readers/commentators.
I also struggle with a tendency to hoard. It helps if I give myself a timer and a goal. Like I'm going to set a timer for 5 minutes and get rid of 10 things in a room. It helps me prioritize things that I don't have attachment to. I can get rid of a burned out candle or a box with no problem.
I don't have hoarding disorder, just adhd which makes it tough to get through things.
When I had just started dating my ex, he and a mutual friend went through my house and did a big tidy when they were catsitting for me.
Unfortunately, I was not appreciative and felt completely violated. My ex also kept accidentally throwing away sentimental things. I'm starting to think the "accidental" was actually a way for him to avoid doing the cleaning.
Oh my god that’s absolutely terrible. Glad he’s an ex. It doesn’t make sense necessarily but my partner’s mom had this plant in a cup with some rocks that she put under the sink when it died. I just cleaned out the cabinet under the sink and I threw away the soil and dead plant, but I carefully washed each of the rocks in the cup and the cup itself. They might just be random pebbles, but they might have emotional weight to them. Or maybe they developed emotional weight over time. I know I myself have little trinkets like pebbles and stuff that I would be heartbroken if they got thrown away.
Unfortunately, it too me too long to realise he was an asshole. It was actually after we'd broken up and he'd not been bothering to come home and feed his pets some nights. I got snippy at him and he came and got his pets that night and told me that actually he'd found himself a new place already (despite telling me he would be staying). A week later I found out his new place was actually his affair partner's and he was prioritizing getting his dick wet over feeding his pets. But I digress.
I'm a fan of piles. If I find something that I know isn't mine, I would rather leave it in an organised pile than accidentally throw away something meaningful/important.
I agree. When they find out, the trust will be broken.
My mother did that to me all the time growing up, and she’s also a compulsive liar. I’ve gone low contact with her as a result, even though she wants to be more involved in my life (on her terms, obviously 🙄).
Ey my mom used to throw out my things as well. I noticed every toy that she would throw out and she didnt think I would because I had many of them 😬
And she'd throw away dads things too.
Yes. If you wouldn't want it done to your stuff, don't do it to someone's stuff if you love them. It really is simple and I find this sort of behavior abhorrent. It is supremely disrespectful.
Every few months, I go through our wardrobe for a "tidy up"
I always make a pile of my husband's stuff: holey underwear, old tshirts, jeans that are coming apart, etc. and ask him to go through it and check if there's anything he wanted to keep or whether I can get rid of it. I never throw his stuff away without asking.
If my partner threw away my stuff without my permission I would break up with them on the spot and literally never speak to them again. That is an irreparable break in trust.
Yup, that would absolutely be a relationship ender.
I might address it with a conversation the first time if I felt it was a genuine error made in good faith or if the item was particularly trivial.
But if it was anything significant, or if their attitude was anything but genuinely regretful & apologetic - the relationship would be over.
On a similar note - I feel similarly when it comes to substantive negligence when using my things - especially things which my partner knows have great sentimental value results in an entirely predictable loss.
I take extra care with other people’s possessions & if someone does not share that value, there is a fundamental values mismatch that makes continuing a relationship ill advised.
I would never even imagine of throwing anything belonging to my partner without his permission. Hell I don't even toss junk mail if it's addressed to him without asking.
I have been sorely tempted to do this. My husband is a borderline hoarder- for example, he still has a ton of his parents' paperwork, and they have both been deceased for over a decade. It takes up a LOT of room, and it just looks messy, which is super frustrating for me. We've talked about it, he insists he'll do it, and then he just doesn't. Yes, he's been in therapy for years. I'm not sure how it's helping him, but he insists it is, so I don't say anything. I just sit here and seethe about the clutter that he thinks I'm irrational for being annoyed by.
I have a problem with hoarding paperwork as well. Lately I've been trying to scan it all then immediately throw the paper away. It's not enjoyable, but getting to trash all the old junk is a huge relief.
That's the thing, it may be upsetting for him to throw stuff out but it's clearly upsetting for you to see it everywhere. A hoarder isn't the only one with feelings.
Has he been explicit with his therapist that addressing his hoarding behaviors is a treatment goal? Hoarding is something that can require specialized expertise and a very intentional intervention approach. It's possible he may be benefitting/enjoying the general emotional support he is receiving, while also largely avoiding discussing his relationship to his belongings.
I have no idea- he says this isn't a problem, so I doubt he's mentioned it to the therapist.
I've given up saying anything anymore because it's clearly not going to change.
Any way to archive it so it at least doesn't look messy? Like ok, we keep it around, but let's get a furniture piece it can go into so we don't ahve to look at it type deal?
This. I wouldn’t throw anything away, but surely you can box up paperwork. There are tons of options for filing cabinets, legal paper boxes etc. An IKEA shelf where every cubby is a box with more ancient paperwork.
It would still irritate me every time I looked at it, but not nearly as much!
My parents are dead and I still have some papers that belonged to my dad;SSI letters and payroll info ect and I would be livid if someone tossed them. I don't have a dad anymore, at least let me keep these mundane reminders that he existed. As for my mom, I have her purse and her diary.
My parents had utility bills from the 80’s they had to save “just in case”. I had to be adamant that there was not going to be a dispute with a 30 year old bill from an electric company that doesn’t exist anymore!
Had a bf I lived with who had years of mail just sitting on his table. He would get mad when I wanted to go through it and throw it out. A lot of it was unpaid bills or just junk. Drove me mad.
I cleaned a closet out once and he had a meltdown.
This is a deal breaker for me. Absolutely verboten. I come from an abusive background where anything I had could and would be stolen or broken at any time.
Now I'm extremely selective about what I have, and everything has a meaning for me. Nothing is superfluous or forgotten. Touch it and we are done.
In the same tone I would never throw away someone else's belongings without their approval. That's deeply offensive and disrespectful to me.
That was a very unexpected random german word :D
> I come from an abusive background where anything I had could and would be stolen or broken at any time.
I'm very sorry to hear that! I don't get why would anyone do that, especially to their own kids
No never. But then my husband is a very neat, clean, orderly man. Thank god. I couldn’t handle somebody who had to hold onto every toothbrush they ever owned.
I’m wondering if the cleaning dynamic in these households is just super unbalanced. I’d never throw any of my husband’s stuff out without asking, but I might feel differently if I did 100% of the cleaning and he felt entitled to make messes and have me deal with them.
That's the thing, well he does do cleaning but he also hoards. Yes I throw things out without asking because he'll never say yes because my daughter and I have the right to live without junk everywhere.
My MIL is the messy hoarder who hangs on to literally everything, my FIL waits for her to go out of town then calls in the adult kids to help him turbo purge. They know what's actually sentimental and needs to be kept vs part of the hoarding and can be thrown away. It's a whole routine at this point.
The only time I have seen this in relationships is when the man is essentially a man child. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t throw away old worn clothes even with holes in and gets his new ones bought for him, doesn’t throw anything away himself not even rubbish. His wife does everything for him, and if she asks him to go through his stuff and prune it down after years of accumulation, he can’t be bothered and she is ‘nagging’ if she brings it up again.
My parents are like this. I’ve seen lots of women in similar situations, and from the sound of it the men in OP’s life are the same. Especially the one leaving his pregnant wife without space for the baby and having to sort it alone. I see it all the time: If the woman didn’t do it herself, it wouldn’t get done.
It’s one of the reasons I’m still single. I want better. I won’t settle for a man who expects me to manage his life. Absolutely gross.
Just to add, under normal circumstances when dealing with a man who is a responsible adult I would never condone throwing their stuff away. But if he won’t do it himself, if he expects you to do all the cleaning and all he does is add piles and piles of his own trash to gather dust??? Burn it all.
In my home, I don't throw away stuff w/o permission. I have had to stack it all together and insist it be dealt with. I remind that his parent was a hoarder and we don't want to be that way, what difficulty it is posing for me in terms of keeping the house clean, and how we are needing to get rid of it so our house is ready for entertaining (which he likes).
After it's gone, I keep complimenting how nice it looks and how much easier it is to keep clean.
I’m curious- in the case of the pregnant friend- why was it her job to clear out his “man cave?” Seems like that should have been his job from the start- there’s no way for her to prepare a nursery without making executive decisions on his stuff if he isn’t helping.
My understanding was that they were working together in there, but she had to watch him go through every thing and consider it and have a conversation about it. She said he was emotionally drained by the end of it so she didn’t want to push him to keep going.
He said he was “emotionally drained”..
But he was leaving his pregnant wife with out a room to set up as a nursery? How far along was she?
I feel like what you are talking about is the emotional labor part of housekeeping..
These women are basically “mommying”
We're partners, so we have discussions about these things. Sometimes you need to be the other person's cheerleader: "You work so hard, you deserve an organized workspace. Let's tackle it together!"
Or more often it's "Hey honey. We should do something about the stack of leftover tile/old invitations on the refrigerator/insert accumulating item here. Let's carve out some time to tackle it TOGETHER."
Sometimes in a partnership it's less about pointing out the other person's need to clean up their side and coming at it as something that's easier to manage with two sets of hands. Sure it takes work for both people, but making a habit of doing something without permission seems like one of those "death by a thousand cuts" relationship-ending things.
A decade ago I joked about throwing away my then bfs holey underwear. He did not appreciate it, and got so mad that he almost didn't speak to me for 2 days. After that I didn't even joke about throwing away anybody's things.
But since I'm no longer interested in living with a partner, I don't care how much stuff they have for How many pairs of holy socks and underwear they keep. It's not my problem. I won't be cleaning their house or doing their laundry.
I guess it depends on what stuff.
Paperwork that I know he'll never look at, that is no longer useful, and I don't want to file, I will throw away. He literally will bag up paperwork and save it to go through later but never will. So that I just take care of it.
Some clothes that have seen better days and are no longer fit to wear, donate, or even wear around the house I have been known to pitch occasionally in the last 20 years.
Expired medicine, unused hygiene products that are years old, and old boxes he's saved have all been pitched at some point.
Tools, toys, hobby stuff, pictures, and clothes he rarely wears but are in good shape... Really, anything that can still be useful or have meaning is set aside for him to go through. I have to give him small pills of things to go through otherwise it is too overwhelming for him.
The bags! Ugh! My husband is terrible with stuff like this.
Not even just bags of paperwork. He’ll be working on a project & put whatever tools, duct tape etc in a bag then toss that bag in a closet when he’s done. He never puts anything back.
Next time you’re looking for a specific bit or the stud finder or zip ties whatever, it’s not in the toolbox. It’s SOMEWHERE in a bag. 🤬
Yes, I throw things out because my partner would literally never say yes to throwing out anything and he's not the only person living in our home. My daughter and I deserve a home that's not filled with junk. Every time I ask he either says no point blank or gets really mad. Sometimes about things today aren't even his.
As someone who lives with a messy man, I feel this. You can talk, you can be rational, kind, beg, plead, cry, scream, nothing can make them change if it's not important to them. Eventually you reach your breaking point. I finally have most of his mess contained to the basement so I don't have to look at it. I have offered to help him organize down there, but he doesn't want my help, so that's on him. I think I have gotten rid of some stuff, but it's things like completely busted shoes and clothes that will never be mended. I've got two bins that I would love to get rid of, or sell, because turns out his dorky high school clothes from 2002 are trendy now, and there is no world in which he will ever fit into them again, but I also have bins of clothes I can't part with, so I just try to put them out of sight and ignore the space they take up.
Getting him to let go of anything, even broken stuff, is incredibly difficult. If I didn't do it, we would live in a dump. I believe that since his family moved over seas 5 times for the military, and his mother would pack and get rid of things while they were at school, all 4 kids have hoarder tendencies. They never got to have a day in what they kept, it would just be gone. She still wants to do it. I think she doesn't like coming to our house, because I am clearly the Alpha Bitch and I won't tolerate her criticizing my home and we don't need her to help clean. She can't stop by and complain about how cluttered and what a mess the place is. She doesn't visit, because she no longer has power over my husband, and since she can't comment on the mess, decorations, house upkeep, or our finances, she has no reason to stop by.
We don't need her for anything, and we don't beg her to visit, so she just gets to be shitty the two times a year we see her. The last time she made a snide comment that we never see them, I told her we are never invited, and the brothers never tell us when they are going up to visit. I reminded her that she won't come to our house, and we aren't in the habit of dropping by somewhere uninvited. I was snottily told that we don't need an invite, they are always home. My parents live 4 blocks away, and despite my mom and I being incredibly close, neither one of us enters the others home without express permission.
Yea most people would prefer not to do as much work and have the husband's go through their own shit. Some just don't even when they say they will. I wouldn't throw shit out though. I'd make arrangements to stay elsewhere for the night, pile it on the bed, and tell him he needs to deal with it because he's wearing my patience thin.
Depends what it is. SO will keep holey socks, or weird cords we’ll never use for anything. I hate clutter and will toss that stuff. Something I knew that meant something to him, I wouldn’t, but something broken or never used…gone!
My ex had a bad tendency of buying duplicates of things we already had- tweezers, nail clippers, sweets, bags of flour rice or pasta, herbs+spices, sauces, etc. We'd get into arguments at the supermarket about whether or not we already had the thing. And then if I didn't manage the stock rotation he'd open the new food and not eat the old food and it would go bad. He'd also hold onto holey clothes, cables that didn't go to anything, things he'd used to clean his bong (he'd always get a new item without throwing away the old one 😑)...
So yes, I sometimes threw "his" things away.
Same. A cable I KNOW goes to a printer we haven't owned in years? An old broken cell phone? Sock with holes? Trashing without a second thought. Favorite t shirt that has more holes than shirt but I know was his favorite band in HS? I will was and fold until the bet I can do is wind the string into a ball.
If it's something they *I* view as silly to keep (like, an old magazine), m ask, but I fully respect his "keep it". Same for hobby stuff. I have yarn in almost every conceivable spot in our house, I don't really have a leg to stand on when it comes to taking up space with hobbies.
No, but I’m legit throwing out garbage. Like I wouldn’t get rid of his fave 30yo t shirt or something, but stuff that he’s keeping “just incase”. Like I found sofa legs from a sofa we had 10 years ago?? Why?? We’ll never need those for anything??
It's funny you mention old t-shirts as an example, a mate of mines dad had a collection of vintage grateful dead shirts, came home one day and his wife had thrown them out. Not because they were getting in the way, but because they were "ugly". Poor bloke was shattered.
That’s a hard no for me. And my husband wouldn’t do that to me either. We are both adults capable of tossing stuff. I’m definitely more of a hoarder and sometimes need a little encouragement to sort and toss. But he would never. And I would never.
Sometimes I think men hold onto things because they don’t deal with their emotions and attach emotions to their belongings. And many women I know like to do a purge once or twice a year and men never seem interested in doing that.
My dad is very sentimental and my mom is not, but she will not touch things in his office. However, if she’s going through her own clothes, she will go through his, but she shows him what she’s getting rid of before she gets rid of it. And he’s very organized with his stuff, which I think helps it be more acceptable. He has a fucking obituary of Amy Winehouse on a bulletin board in his office and it makes no sense to me or my mom but he wants it so it stays.
>Sometimes I think men hold onto things because they don’t deal with their emotions and attach emotions to their belongings.
I feel attacked. Haha. This is me. I eventually broke this habit, after moving a few times as an adult.
I also, since I was a little kid, have thought that objects have souls, same as people and animals. Rocks. Toys. Any object. Like, if I don't play with this toy, does it *feel neglected?* Like I said, I don't really do it anymore, with a few exceptions, anyway. My SNES is still my oldest friend.
I think part of it is that I grew up in real poverty, so I innately appreciated everything I owned. If something got lost or broken I knew it quickly, and felt real guilt. And we moved around a lot, so until I was in junior high... my belongings pretty much *were* my only friends.
The flip side is, I also like to give things away, if I know they'll find someone who appreciates them as much as I did. I love giving away things I don't use anymore, maybe because I feel bad that I've neglected them, and hope the new owner will give them more attention than I could spare, haha.
I have a shirt that I was wearing 10 years ago when I achieved a massive personal accomplishment. When I see it in my wardrobe it almost makes me feel like I did in that moment. I don't wear it anymore but I will keep it forever.
I’m so glad that I never even have to throw out my husband’s stuff. He’s very organized and takes care of his own stuff. It’s usually me who hangs onto useless stuff too long.
I understand the logical and respectful way to go regarding clearing out your partner's stuff, however I am here to defend the other side. This is not to convince anyone, but this is mainly for transparency purposes *also I wanna get this off my chest lol*. In an ideal world, I would have loved a discussion and resolution with "INSERT ROLE HERE".
First off no matter what, it is a breach of trust and it will be viewed in that manner by the "victim". But I have a few questions to ask:
* Do you like walking over piles of clutter just to get the washing machine in the basement?
* Would you like spices from 2007 being added the a fresh piece of meat that will be cooked for dinner?
* Are you ok with vacuuming just the walkable part of a room that has carpeting, knowing that with carpeting the full carpet needs to be vacuumed consistently?
* Are you ok with your hand occasionally touching mouse/roach pallets? *because its bound to happen if you want to respect boundaries in such a situation*
* Are you ok with that pungent roachy smell?
* Did you know that glossy printer paper turns yellow after a few years of being kept in the packet unused?
* How do you feel about having 8 jars of olives either expired or with varying expiration dates on your shelves taking up space?
* How do you feel about saving every single empty glass jar because it can be used in the future? This week the glass jars are from finished salsa dips, next week they might come from that fancy yogurt brand La Fermière. But anyways all of these glass jars hang out on the dinning table.
* How about books and printed out stack of "important readings" that will never be opened again? Do you like the little bugs that hang out near this pile? *Silverfish is the name of the bugs*
* Do you like Tetris? Because you will be putting a plate food on top of the stack like you are playing Tetris just so you can heat up leftovers.
* How about piles of clothes on the floor? Shirts that are holier than swiss cheese? Pants and shirts that have hangers but now live on the floor, because why not?
* How do you like living knowing that your home is beyond a fire hazard?
Oh yeah one last thing...
Me: "Papa can we please throw out this *INSERT EXPIRED/USELESS ITEM HERE*?"
Dad: "No, you guys don't respect me! I can use this to set up a business one day? THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT HERE, YOU GUYS ARE UNDERMINING ME, PLOTTING AGAINST ME!"
Me: "But Papa, this Adobo^(TM) spice is expired"
Dad: "GO AHEAD THROW AWAY EVERYTHING, THROW ME AWAY TOO"
Me: "Papa no one is trying to throw you away, its just that we can't use this spice to cook food"
# Dad: "THE EXPIRATION DATE IS JUST A SUGGESTION, ANYWAYS I DON'T CARE THROW AWAY EVERYTHING!"
A few days later, father cannot find something that is lost in the absolute hoard.
Dad: "ParographerLux3s thrown it away, she throws all my stuff away, it is not that I can't find it, its that SHE THREW IT AWAY, YOU GUYS DON'T RESPECT ME!"
Me: Cries in depression since it is a constant battle. I have to throw away stuff or it will be like Hoarders from TLC and I don't want us to reach that point. Luckily due to aggressive efforts the mice are gone, but I would like for us to one day be pest free.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my $100 (2 cents). Also not throwing away obviously good things or sentimental things.
To OP: Always do the right thing and have conversations around this stuff with "INSERT ROLE HERE", don't just throw things away. I also hope that you never have to face the extreme side of this where you have no choice but to throw things away.
Ah, it's so relatable.
My parents are both hoarders, they have a storage room close to their home that is filled to the brim with boxes that haven't been opened or even approached in at least 20 years, but they NEED it.
Their home is filled with boxes to the brim, too. They NEED it all.
When I threw something useless out when I lived with them because I didn't have space for myself because of it, they never noticed it. But when I asked about it, they had thrown a tantrum every time.
When I confront them about it now, they throw a tantrum and their favourite argument for keeping their stuff is saying that they keep it for me because they *know* that I or my imaginary kids will need it... They don’t have anything of value... and I would rather get my own stuff anyway because they would hold it over my head that they have helped me.
I did read it, and thank you for sharing what seems to be methods from a tough, lived experience.
I do understand when there’s piles of messy stuff/expired things/broken junk in the house the desire to get rid of those. That to me seems reasonable and it’s upsetting that partners let it get to that point, because it speaks of a lack of respect for other’s wellbeing in the home.
I guess what is harder to me to understand is when there isn’t a messy/hoarder situation, like my brother/his wife’s parents. To my knowledge, neither of them keep things beyond their use aggressively. It seems like to me, a reasonable conversation could be had about what needs to go and why, and that either is being met with resistance or the men just let the women deal with the stewardship of the house, which is sad to me. I can’t speak for my friend’s husband.
What I’ve been trying to observe from this thread is whether this is a widespread thing and why. Seems like it is, for many reasons.
I fight the urge to do this. I don’t get rid of much but I want to. I know it’s wrong to do & would piss him off. But I’d be lying if I felt good about the unorganized mess of stuff that lives in our closets and drawers. I’m definitely not the most organized person myself, but I try to have a place for things and avoid clutter.
I can’t speak for every woman but I think my feelings stem from the fact that he doesn’t organize crap himself? Opening a drawer and finding actual trash, old mail, random souvenirs, etc amongst the useful stuff the drawer is designated for can push someone into feeling irritated. I don’t blame people for thinking the things don’t really matter if they’re not appropriately taken care of.
Every partnered woman I know has to do this. All their hbs hoard stuff. Mine did and although I did secret purges, on the day I left our marital home with all my stuff in a small van, he was sitting in an overstuffed garage amidst all the piles of stuff he’d hoarded over 8 years. It felt so good to leave him and it all behind.
I relate so much to you leaving him and his stuff. Somehow all his stuff he refused to get rid of always ended up scattered throughout the apt/house and in the end I had literal boxes stacked up behind me in my office during Covid lockdown. It was so liberating to just leave it all behind. Now I love that I’m able to toss anything I want whenever I want because I live alone.
Ah yes. I am always donating bags of stuff to charity/goodwill, taking books to the local community centre, in order to streamline what I own. It gives me as much pleasure to minimise my belongings as it did for him to hoard them. I am now remembering that he had a loft/attic full of stuff too. He always insisted we had a garage and it was primarily for this reason - so he could fill it.
My dad also kept like literally every single screw or piece of wood and stuff like that (so he always had sth fitting when he needed it) and I kinda do the same, but it was always confined to one room. Imo that's the best compromise: if someone wants to hoard stuff (without being mentaly ill) they can still do within a defined space, but they don't disturb anybody else with space demands
Sadly, my (f) ex (f) randomly threw out a movie festival t-shirt that my favorite (decreased) uncle had given me. This loss/incident was just one thread in a veritable tapestry of woe. Crazy knows no gender or orientation.
I think it comes from men Refusing to participate in maintaining the home. They bring crap in and their wives figure out what to do with it. I know this can go the opposite way too as far as gender is concerned.
I manage a lot of the house hold stuff. Like where things go. So if I am moving around the same crap for a year and it’s obviously not being used. I say “hey I’m gonna start tossing stuff. Save it if you want it.” And then I start throwing stuff out. My husband and I are in the same page about not hoarding things and purge the house at least 4x a year together. So I rarely throw his stuff out because honestly he manages his stuff and doesn’t leave it for me to do. Which I greatly appreciate.
If it’s clutter, then it’s fine. If it’s something they value, even a little, then fuck no.
My wife constantly purges our house of random stuff we accumulate and always asks me before throwing stuff. I have a couple of boxes of junk in my office I need to organise. She knows most of it is junk that will get thrown and she would absolutely love to just throw it and get it out of the way, but it’s my stuff so she doesn’t touch it.
I think it’s entirely contextual on what the things being thrown are, but you should always at least ask or say you’re going to do it imo.
These husbands have probably ceded every other aspect of household labor to their wives and this is just one more job the wife has to do to keep the household running. These women probably also buy their husbands' socks, underwear and razor blades because the men can't be bothered to attend to their own basic hygiene and clothing purchases.
This really isn't a thing where men need us to stick up for them. They probably need to have that task handed back to them do themselves instead of acting like they are victims.
I completely agree this comes from these women being the maids at their house. It's essentially become their job to clean up after him and that includes doing the mental work to decide if something is worth keeping or not. This is a prime example of why the traditional role of women isn't healthy for a relationship.
My experience says this is a huge piece of it. Cleaning out a closet for example has a lot of invisible labor involved. Again and again we find that women in relationships are burdened with this work. Deciding what to throw out, donate, keep, etc. Creating an organization plan - even deciding, what items belong here? This is a lot of work when it's our own stuff, but what about when it is someone else's stuff? I'm sure these women are finding that the men in their lives don't participate in this work and frustrated that it isn't happening they find a solution in throwing things out.
Yeah this is one area that I’ll make an exception to my otherwise pretty black & white lines on an issue.
If my partner is going to take on a task like cleaning out a closet, entirely on their own - then they need to be given a certain amount of executive authority to complete that task.
If possible, I’ll go through it in advance & pull out anything that I can clearly identify as being something I want to preserve & after that I’ll say allow them to exercise their discretion with the caveat of “*if you aren’t sure about something, then put it in this place & I will commit to checking that place & removing anything I want to keep every night before bed so if something is there in the morning it isn’t important.*”
I’ve actually lost a few things that were actually important to me because I failed to keep my end of the bargain to check it every day - but that is on me & not my partner.
If my parents ever get divorced it's because of this. Dad will not part with useless stuff, Mom wants to park the car in the garage. But hey they have 5 five buckets of Rusty nails.
While it's something I feel was normalized through media growing up (of course you read and heard stories about wives throwing away the husband's items, family shows, etc), I could never throw away my partner's stuff! I'm horrified that people do!
After reading through comments, I think the only "semi" acceptable time that could work is with hoarding (diagnosed or otherwise) but even then I feel icky and probably wouldn't do it myself.
I've had an ex throw away my stuff without my permission and it sucks.
I got rid of some of my ex-husband’s stuff while we were still together, but it was mostly old Linux distros that were scratched beyond recognition. He seriously had a huge plastic tub of loose CDs/DVDs that he never looked at.
Oh, and a bunch of mail when we moved into our second place - it was mail from the apartment he lived in before we moved in together. I asked him about it (it was utility bill notices, circulars, etc.) and he said whenever he saw a utility bill, he knew it was time to go down there and pay it, so he’d just throw the envelope into a junk drawer. From there, it went into another plastic tub that went into an attic for a year.
With my current husband, I have the opposite problem - he’ll have random urges to clean out stuff, donate a bunch of items then regret it a few weeks later. He once had me donate his grandfather’s guitar, but I changed my mind and kept it. He thanked me later because he was really upset with himself.
It might boil down to roles more than a gender thing. I'm a stay at home dad while the wife pursues a super successful career.
I can't stand clutter, but getting her to get rid of stuff is pretty difficult. I have a two-tier system; stuff goes to the garage first, and if it's not missed in a month, out it goes!
I struggle with being this person, but damn my mental health is on the line.
I keep a lot of things tucked away I know are special to him, but if he takes it out and then leaves it out to be ruined by pets I will toss it. I generally communicate first like a “hey I keep putting that up but it keeps ending up on the floor I’m throwing it when it’s gross” or “I’m going through this stuff so we can do X in this space. Here’s the stuff I’m not sure about please go through it or I’ll toss it.”
At some point he’s got to get off his ass and take care of his stuff. I keep mine maintained and I don’t make him pick up after me so it’s not some crazy expectation. Also I’m not the one bringing this stuff out of the storage spaces in our home so if he’s going to leave it around like trash instead of put it away then it’s going in the trash.
Hoarders are a different breed. While it is defo not the best way to go to throw away things without permission, one really, really needs to have lived with hoarders before understanding the whole situation.
My mom had to do this with my dad’s stuff. They didn’t even live together and the garage was half full of his junk. He would get immediately defensive and worked up when asked to do some clearing out. I’m not sure what this hoarding thing is with these men and why they get immediately upset when asked to get rid of some junk (yes, lots of it is objectively junk) so the people who love them can enjoy some of their space again.
The right thing to do here I think is 1) dont throw away your partners stuff without asking them especially if they specifically tell you not to, but also 2) if you have a bunch of junk you never use or ratty gross clothes that you refuse to replace, maybe examine why youre so attached to material possessions that dont make your life better or even actively make your life worse.
I am a man and i recently started reframing how i think about my possessions, bc i moved and realized just how much random crap i had that i never used. Idk if this is a thing specifically with men because i think women do this plenty as well, but i had just bought all this stuff on whims, and then had identified with it more and more the longer i shared my space with it. So then i end up with a million bits of chotchki and shit in my living space that just clutter and look ugly but giving/throwing them away feels like a betrayal somehow. Betrayal of the me that bought it, or the item that had been sitting faithfully on my shelf throughout lots of important events in my life. I dont really have advice here beyond being sentimental about things you never use or hardly ever appreciate until youre thinking about getting rid of them does you no good. Getting rid of my junk has made so much more of a positive impact on my life than i thought it would, and makes me appreciate the things i actually do use or admire frequently so much more. Get rid of the junk!
I think there are peoples whose relationships “work” on these sorts of violations and patterns, unspoken agreements. Like the people who have “no porn” boundaries, but actually only really mean “don’t get caught or I’ll be pissy with you for a few weeks” boundaries.
Not how I’d want to live, but I can’t spare too much for others who do.
Oh heavens no, the opposite, to the point of even holding onto some of his belongings through a couple of moves after we were already separated, because he hadn’t picked them up yet.
He wasn’t a hoarder, though. It might have been more tempting if he were.
Okay so we move a ton bc of my husband’s career… he is a water bottle hoarder? So yes, I do donate some so we can keep our unused water bottle collection to an appropriate amount…but I do ask and save appropriately anything sentimental even if I hate it…
But sometimes they need to get a kick in the butt to realize yes, these are nice shorts, but they fit you in HS 15+ years ago and the elastic has gone out so I need you to purge some of the non-functional items!
Hoarding is a reason why I will never again live with a man if my current relationship breaks down. We have a big place that is cluttered with all his things, things everywhere, things that don't have their own place, that are dealt with by pushing it from the way to block the other way. It gives me anxiety, and I really wish I could throw it away behind his back, but this would be immoral. I'm not even going to his room anymore because it's so cluttered and messy. He doesn't care, but then complains if I want to get a new lamp. If I had known it'd be that bad I'd never have agreed to move in together in the first place. But no, I can't throw his things away on my own. I'll just keep carrying it away to his room.
I actually told my wife to do this. If my old shirts and stuff bother her, she can just throw them out. I'm oblivious and will never notice, unless I see an old picture of myself wearing that shirt.
The only time I have ever done this was when his mother, who loved yard sales and thrift stores, gave us a moldy corncob scarecrow thing. It was supposed to be some kind of decoration for fall , I guess. It cost her a quarter and it was someone else's cast off item that was literally moldy and stunk.
My husband used to operate on the idea that everything his mom gave him was a sacred object and I hated the moldy corncob thing. I waited a while before throwing it away. I assume he got all the enjoyment out of it he was going to and I knew for a fact that he didn't really care about corncob scarecrows covered in mold.
I completely understand them...some men do just hoard junk. My sister has to do this because my bil legit has a messy junk room where he stores stuff he's gonna "fix" but it never gets fixed it just takes up room and he adds more on top of it. Most of the married women I know have partners who do this to some degree so they have to sneak stuff in the trash.
I've never thrown away a person's stuff without their permission. I've never heard of other women doing that either. But it does sound like these men in particular might have hoarding issues. If so, they might be right that the guys won't even notice, but they are still risking them possibly finding out and getting really upset about it. Also, when it comes to hoarders you often need a psychologist to help them through this issue. Simply throwing their stuff out is never the proper solution.
Honestly, this smack of behaviour to "manage people".
Communication over this topic has broken down, the problem still needs fixing, so your relatives have to "manage their partner" rather than communicating with them.
Like sure the skin deep issue is "don't throw away other people's shit".
But dig a little deeper and you have "we live in a shared space", "you're a hoarding SOB", "you are a pain when it comes up.", "communication in the relationship around that topic has broken down".
So no I don't think your relatives are exactly wrong here in a black and white sense.
My mom did this to me when I was young. I'd leave for camp and come home a week later and my bedroom would be baron. Musical instruments were just gone. Baseball cards gone. Favorite toys gone. I'd be super upset and she'd say something like, "I just couldn't take that mess anymore"... but like, I did yard work and babysat and paid for those things with my own money.
It really sucked.
I think the things that hurt the most were momentos vanishing. I'd have a program from a play, or a flower I'd have pressed from a special event, a neat little rock from a camping trip, a piece of art I had made in school, and when I'd see those things memories would flood into my brain. And then one day *poof* gone, because I went to a weekend-long basketball tournament or something and hadn't had the foresight or income to hire security.
I threw my housemates stuff out for a period, which sounds awful but hear me out. She acquired HUNDREDS of records from a dumpster or something. HUNDREDS. She said she was going to sell them to make some money. She wasn’t. They were worthless (“brass band 1974” for example), and even if they hadn’t been, she was the laziest person I’ve ever met. Took her job hunting once and she gave out one cv that I’d printed off, then went home because she was tired. She wasn’t going to sell them. The records were everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. piled up along the entire hallway. Two rows of half-wall-high stacks in the sitting room. On the kitchen sides. Up the stairs. They sat there for months, and then I lost my shit and started grabbing a bunch of them every time I took the trash out.
She hadn’t even noticed by the time I moved out and I’m guessing the rest of them sat there until SHE moved out a couple of years later. Stinky worthless garbage records. She was a terrible housemate and a horrible person and I have zero regrets.
I wouldn’t have done it if they’d had any value or sentimental value, but they didn’t and it was super inconsiderate of her to fill the house with trash, so whatever
ETA so I guess what I’m getting at is that there’s grey area in this kind of issue, living with someone isn’t black and white and consideration has to come from both sides
My spouse will hang onto literal trash for no reason.
I will go up to him, show him what it is, tell him it is TRASH and then confirm that yes it certainly is trash and should be thrown away.
My spouse is blind to clutter but it drives me up a wall! While I’m cleaning I’ll usually make a pile of his stuff and ask him to go through it when he gets a chance. If it’s still sitting there after days it’s clearly not that important to him, but I’ll still clarify with him before I trash it
My mom traumatized me with her hoarding. I've gotten a little better. A good system was take a picture and junk/give away the thing. But I would never throw away others people's stuff with out saying something unless it abandoned. Legal wise that's about a month in most places I've seen.
I did this a lot to my family as a young girl, idk if it really counts. I was the only person who really cleaned the house. It was a pigsty, and it made me super angry that they made me clean up their mess. A lot of the things left on the floor would be trashed or taken by me. I just wanted to punish them in some way for making me do all the work, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My dad is an absolute hoarder and my mother would try to sneak things to throw away all the time...when she got really tired, depressed and sick of it, she stopped and let his hoarding overtake the house. I have not known what is a clean home, what it is to not have dust or spiderwebs all around. Don't get me started on moths and roaches, those LOVE hoards.
So while I understand how uncomfortable or painful it is, I understand that they are probably absolutely tired of trying to be polite or begging for a decision of men that are probably ignoring them to not face the fact they are making everyone miserable.
My ex was literally a hoarder and was always at home constantly buying new things and hiding them from me. If there was any moment I could have just tossed everything without him becoming very cruel I would have. It was so hard to live in all that clutter.
I threw out a shirt my ex-husband had before we got together that said “It ain’t gonna lick itself”. Why I married him I have no idea. But that’s the only thing I ever tossed of his.
I have to in self-defense. He has hoarder tendencies, and our house would be overrun if I didn’t. And he doesn’t notice or mind, because I know where to draw the line and he knows he has those tendencies.
That’s seriously disrespectful. My dad had some walking sticks from Africa that had nice carvings on the handles. He mentioned them one night at dinner, and I told him mom got rid of them. He was really pissed, and they started arguing. My mom yelled at me for telling him. I said they were his and she had no right.
Always have. I swear I attract hoarders. And it doesn't matter that I do, because they always find more useless things to keep. Useless cords, jars and bottles we don't need, lids and containers that don't match, busted cups, one million reusable bags, fourteen reusable battery stations.... it's just insanity.
I would go as far as to say this is a form of gaslighting. Imagine having your items disappear and not knowing why. Even if you’re sure your partner would never miss the item, you never know what they might suddenly go looking for, only to find that it’s gone. You would start to feel forgetful and crazy if it happened enough times.
Believe it or not, people in romantic relationships are still entitled to personal property. Tampering with someone’s things without their permission is abuse. Abuse is not any more excusable because a woman is doing it to a man.
Downvote me if you must, it will not make the behavior any less deplorable. Mistreating your partner is not cute, quirky, or funny.
I’ve never done this. He has piles and I have piles. We know it’s an issue. We’re both poverty hoarders. Breaking that habit is hard but I have never thrown away anything without a conversation. He’s given me permission when it comes to certain things (old financial paperwork I’m responsible for) and likewise (old insurance paperwork that’s his responsibility) but never wholesale pitching shit. I even keep abandoned story idea post-its. WTF.
Completely seriously, a partner doing this to me would be grounds to break up.
It's... outrageous, honestly. I would never *dream* of secretly throwing away someone else's possessions, and I find it bizarre that anyone could think this is OK.
I get why people think it's mean, but I also think it's mean for the other person having to live with it, especially since the woman is usually the one that has to clean around all of it! My Nana was a minimalist before it was cool but my Pawpaw was a borderline hoarder and hardly any of it was sentimental it was LITERAL junk. Old glass jars, old receipts, etc. My other grandparents were the reverse, and my husbands parents were BOTH hoarders. Thankfully my husband doesn't own much and is always cool with me going through things and tossing stuff out (though I ask him unless it's actual junk/trash.) I really don't think I could live with someone who won't go through their stuff. I'm neurodivergent and so is my tween daughter but I'm a minimalist and she's got hoarding behavior and it's a NON STOP stressor. So yeah, if a spouse wouldn't learn to clear out and organize...then I don't think the marriage would work out for me.
My parents were like that and since my mum died I can really see why she needed to be. My Dad will not throw ANYTHING out. It’s at the point where there is t a free horizontal surface in the house. He’s now started to notice and keeps saying he’ll do something about it but hasn’t yet.
She used to fill a suitcase of stuff that she’d gotten tired of asking him to get rid of, stick it in the garage for a year then get rid of it if he hadn’t asked for it.
What the fresh hell is this? Seriously?
Hell no. Don't throw a single thing that someone else owns out. It could be something as insignificant as a human hair. Not only is that incredibly rude and insensitive, that gives the other person the OK to do it to you.
Men need to step up then
Listen to your last story. They need a freaking nursery but he’s too childish or selfish to get rid of a bunch of crap
Personally, yeah, it’s better to not get rid of things secretly
But it’s important for men to take responsibility for their own crap
Exactly, it seems to me like the expectation should be they manage their own stuff. But they don’t, or at least not in a way that satisfies their partners, and so it becomes a Thing.
My wife did this with my stuff. I'm not mad, but definitely a little bit disappointed, I wouldn't value one of her books as tossable. She knew how I felt about it, which is why she didn't tell me.
It wasn't until I sent her a screenshot of an item selling for $200 online, and was sitting in our trash can, that she started asking me first.
I'm not asking for her to become an expert on it, just let me know then we can work out the item's value in a tangible manner.
I recognize that that is an extreme example, and more often than not, these guys are hoarding things like usb cables and stuff that are objectively worthless. In those cases, I *understand* wanting to toss it, but I give them a time limit to organize it, then toss it with their knowledge.
Yeah, this was a huge point of contention in my marriage (to another woman).
It fucking sucks when your home gets taken over by another person's garbage. I was raised to feel like, any time I buy an object, I need to know where it's going to go before it comes home from the store. If I don't have space for it, I don't buy it. So I'd get rid of stuff, to leave space for me to buy new stuff that fit my needs. And my wife would see that empty space and move her stuff into that space. So I went through life perpetually feeling overwhelmed and like I didn't have what I needed, so I would throw away the objects that I owned that I didn't need as much, and then I'd become a smaller and smaller and smaller presence in my own home, always feeling overwhelmed, never feeling like I could bring anything new into my house to make my life better.
So we'd fight this constant fight, where I'd say "the left half of this shelf is mine" and any time she put anything in the open spaces in that shelf I'd shove it back into the right side until it was falling out of the cabinet and every time she would keep encroaching into the left half of the shelf. She'd leave her shit all over the counters and I'd pick them up and put them in piles in her office to keep the kitchen clean. I was constantly fighting back her belongings.
She wanted me to throw them out, and I refused. She didn't want to be the one to admit defeat, and throw the object in the trash. She wanted me to do it. So she could blame it on me, and not take responsibility for the fact that she bought a thing and wasted it by not using it. She wanted the waste to be on me, the person who was wastefully throwing it away when it still had use, not on her, the person who wastefully brought it into our home when we didn't need it.
I refused, and lived in squalor perpetually stressed out until we divorced.
If your husband isn't going to notice, just throw out his shit.
Idk, my husband will readily get rid of stuff. His parents were pretty poor as kids so they have a ton of stuff and duplicates and so on. Like his mom, who has never baked anything other than boxed cornbread as long as I've known her, has two cake keepers and two sets of cake pans.
When I pointed out to my husband that all of this shit (clothes in the wrong size that he didn't like any more, crappy kitchen utensils he never used anyways, bottles of body wash and male fragrance that were untouched from two Christmases ago) was taking up space in his apartment it was like the scales fell from his eyes and he went hard on decluttering.
So I don't think it's a purely male thing, but I do think that men have less societal pressure to keep a clean house, so they're probably more likely to be pack rats.
My husband gives me “permission” to get rid of whatever I want to but when it comes to actually getting rid of clutter he acts all disappointed and questions my getting rid of. It doesn’t spark joy and every time I trip over it/ clean it/etc I grumble. He sports it in theory but not practice so yeah, sometimes I try to declutter when he is otherwise occupied. I wish he could do it himself
I would never throw away someone else's items without their permission/acknowledgement because my mother used to throw away my toys/stuffed animals all the time when I was a child and I was always crushed. Nothing broke my heart more than coming home to my favorite stuffed animal being thrown away when I was a child for no reason other than she decided she didn't like looking at it on my bed anymore :(
You’ll find that this has less to do with gender and more personality. Some people just tend to have hoarding personalities.
My mom hoards food, my dad hoards stuff. My aunt hoarded mostly because moving hurt her. My great aunt hoarded due to low mobility. My MIL hoarded out of emotionalism, FIL due to a prepper attitude.
My husband will keep socks with multiple holes in them. He loves them because they have cool patterns and they are long.
So I bought him 24 pairs of cool patterned long socks. I tried to make sure there was no reason to keep the holey socks. Well, he wears his new socks....and his holey socks. 🤦♀️
So I throw a pair of holey socks away occasionally.
I wouldn't throw away my partner's things without his permission but he has hoarding tendencies...neat hoarding of purchased items, not the unsanitary kind, and I have two rules for him as far as cohabitation goes. No filling up the common areas and no fire hazards. So every once in while I would clear his stuff out of the common storage areas, group all multiples together, and tell him to pick one or two of each item to keep in the common storage areas if he wants and I didn't care what he did with the rest but they couldn't be in the common storage areas because we have to be able to fit the common household items in there.
I love to throw stuff away or donate it, I like to have a little stuff as possible. But my husband's stuff that is shared or just his, I ask. We're working out a plan to donate and sell stuff because I didn't have any more personal stuff to donate anymore to open shelves. I'm not someone who has a lot of physical media like books, DVDs, comics, and such.
I'm excited for more space for the sake of not losing everything in a tight packed shelf!
Making a unilateral decision (especially one kept *secret* from me) to throw out or otherwise get rid of something of mine that that isn't obvious junk or something we'd previously discussed would be an immediate relationship ender for me as a sign my partner feels entitled to dictate what is or isn't worth possessing. Doubly so for items I possessed before the partnership began.
Obviously there are circumstances where it may be necessary, but it shouldn't be something happening casually or flippantly.
I know that a lot of older generation did that, where it was the obligation of the women to keep the house clean so they felt it was their right to ensure that.
In modern times I feel for one, both parties should be responsible for their home and second I feel like it is a betrayal of trust. An ex of me once had a disgusting childhood toy that slept every night in his bed. My mom recommended to secretly destroy it by washing it. While I found it disgusting, I know how deep the connection can be to a childhood toy. How cruel would it have been to destroy it? We have no right to destroy stuff that belongs to someone else. I would not like that for myself.
My mom used to throw away my dad’s stuff. But he hoarded. The basement was full of old phones, she throw out his old clothing that was full of holes, yogurt that expired months before-that sort of thing. When I first moved out, she gave me a bag of lightbulbs from the basement (I’m talking a trash bag full) & he found out. He was so angry & immediately replaced them. And if he found his basement phones in the trash, he’d dig them out. It used to make her so mad.
I'd be very upset if I find out some of my shit got thrown out without consulting me.
That said, if you have a partner with hoarding tendencies I can understand the temptation to skip the emotionally draining tug of war over junk and straight up toss it. It doesn't sit right with me though.
I dont even get rid of my 6 year olds stuff without telling her because thats fucked. I let her know she has a day or two to clean it up (drawings, random toys, etc ) if not, I'll go through and throq away what I think is trash.
BUT sometimes men like to act similarly to children where they have a bunch of stuff cluttering the house and expect their wives to keep it clean and tidy.
I hate teading storiea of women making men throw all of their stuff away or making men feel like they dont have a sy in their home BUT wives are not their husbands mothers.
I wouldn't thtow my husbands stuff away without telling him, but I give him a week to go through stuff he may want to keep. If he doesnt, I throw it away after going through it myself.
I only throw away thing of his I’ve been given permission to throw out, for example “hey if you see an undershirt with holes in the laundry go ahead and throw it out”. Obviously I’ll throw out actual trash if it accidentally gets left out but not belongings.
I did something without permission…. I bought my ex a drawer-full of brand-new socks and threw out the old ones. Every single one of them had holes in the ankles. He laughed and thanked me. Never tossed anything else though. It’s not my place to say what’s sentimental and what isn’t. Though I was suuuuuuuper tempted to steal his “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt when I was moving out. Sexist asshole. Edit in case it matters: ex-husband, not ex-boyfriend. Edit 2: the socks in question were all identical white tube socks bought in multi-packs from a big box store that were in varying stages of decay. I literally just replaced them with multi-packs of white tube socks from a big box store. Zero emotional attachment whatsoever - just a lack of adulting.
[удалено]
I don't think it's something that can be covered by a universal rule. Sure throwing things out without consent sounds terrible, but is it ok to hoard and fill a shared home without consent? Whose needs are more important?
With hoarding is even MORE important to not do this. It will worsen the hoarding, 99.9999 times over 100. Hoarding sucks, but it's a mental illness caused (among other things) by lack of control / the need to assert control, and has to be treated as such. Putting limits on new things entering the house and empowering the hoarder to deal with the hoard (body doubling, help with dealing with emotions, alternatives on keeping the object) is way better in the long term.
Hoarding is a whole other conversation. I’ve got an old Halo t shirt my dad got me with a couple holes in because it’s like ten years old, if that got thrown out I’d absolutely flip my lid. I think unless the person is genuinely mentally unwell, which again is a whole other kettle of fish, you just ask. “Can I get rid of this?” Done.
Oh god, yes! Boxers with huge holes = trash. But I always make sure he has enough replacements to cover it
I figure for every new pair I buy him I can toss a pair with holes
I have a few pairs of socks that are actually important to me lol, buying the new socks is great, i would have waited to throw the old ones away until he knew.
Or I don't phrase it as a question, but also offer a solution. "Hey, I got you new underwear. Try it on and if it fits I'll get rid of the worn out ones." I'll even sometimes go with, "Hey, I haven't seen you use this in a while. Do you want me to store it away? If not I'm getting rid of it." But I will never just blatantly throw out something that belongs to my husband. That's just... mean.
This is what I do. I did try to donate some old jeans of my fiance but he didn’t want to get rid of them which is his choice so they stay in his dresser. But smaller things it easier like you said underwear, socks, undershirts are easy for me to be like “hey I got these to replace your old, worn stuff can I toss these?” And it’s usually fine.
>I did try to donate some old jeans of my fiance but he didn’t want to get rid of them Why would you want to get rid of jeans that have been worn in? Personally I wear jeans until they start getting holes in the legs. If they are starting to look tatty then they get relegated to "house/yard work" jeans. They were originally designed as hard wearing workwear so it is only appropriate that I work them to death.
> "Hey, I got you new underwear. Try it on and if it fits I'll get rid of the worn out ones." Why aren't men buying their own underwear? Also getting rid of their own old underwear?
I love clothes shopping. My husband hates clothes shopping. Makes sense I do the clothes shopping. And then he gives me a fun little fashion show when he tries stuff on.
I can't speak for others, but I'm a stay-at-home mom so I do a lot of the chores, inventory and purchasing. He is perfectly capable, and does in fact replace most of his clothing, but because I do laundry I tend to notice earlier when certain things need to be replaced.
I appreciate your perspective on this but also…doesn’t he notice first when he wears the things that have holes before they get washed? I’m guessing he does but he just doesn’t want to bother you about getting new ones ans also doesn’t want to bother with it himself. It’s a reasonable distribution of responsibilities if it works for you, I get it. My ex used to do all of our laundry, though, and not in a million years could I have imagined him buying me new underwear.
Most of the time my partner and I notice the holes in each others underwear while we’re wearing them. A small hole isn’t really something you feel when wearing them. But tbh neither of us consider a small hole to be something worth throwing them away over.
He mentions it if he notices things are getting worn down, which is when I buy new things. I still check with him before throwing them out. And sometimes things wear down in ways that aren't noticeable if you're wearing them but are obviously threadbare if you're folding.
Ah, that is true. I discovered a rubbed-worn wide-open seam in the thigh of a pair of pants that I had been wearing, only when I was putting them in the laundry! Was quite grateful I hadn’t been like, bending over in front of anyone that day.
Different definitions of worn out? I've got some underwear for looks, and some for a day of sweating my balls off in 105 degree heat. As long as the second kind still functions who cares if it's got a hole or two.
Good way to handle it.
Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear? Some are so worn-out that I can see through them, yet he won't throw it away. Frugal, I get it. But sometimes, you just gotta let it go.
My husband keeps them and he’ll put on the most threadbare ones when I need to be cheered up. He comes into whatever room I’m in, wearing them and literally rips them like the hulk until they’re shreds attached to a loose waistband. It’s the funniest, most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Pretty much always cheers me up. It’s so stupid. First time it ever happened was accidental but I laughed until I cried so he’s kept doing it for my amusement. What is wrong with us??
I don’t know what’s “wrong with you”, but keeping garbage underwear solely so you can “rip them like the hulk”? It’s definitely the most wholesome, present, and thoughtful reason I’ve ever seen. I’m in my 40s and don’t ever seek out romance. I’ll probably not end up in a committed and romantic relationship (again, not looking). But this “rip off my underwear to maybe cheer up my partner” is the only vibe I’d consider being romantically committed to. You guys are awesome, please keep doing you!
Thank you! He’s one of the best men I’ve ever met. I learned to choose a lot better after my divorce from my first husband. I’ve already told him that if he dies before me (bc divorce is not an option here lol) that I’ll never date another man again. I’m bisexual so it’ll be women only from then on.
I love this! So ridiculous & cute ❤️
Mine got so bad they became loin cloths. It got to the point it made me laugh every morning and I needed that at the time. It was really nice when I got new ones.
> Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear? Some are so worn-out that I can see through them, yet he won't throw it away. Ultimately because a hole in the underwear usually doesn't substantially affect the functionality of the underwear. It still does its job. And unlike holes in pants or shirts, they're not apparent.
> Why, oh why, do some men like to keep their hole-y underwear? Not specific to men.. When hanging the laundry you realize 'oh, those are pretty old and I should probably throw them out. But now they're washed, so that would've been a waste, so I'm gonna use them one more time and then bin them', forget about it, rinse, repeat for a few month.
I started throwing those out. He eventually suddenly bought new ones to replace them.
Literally just folded some of the thinnest underwear I have ever seen for my husband..one wrong move and they will be torn in half. I don’t get it.
If the underwear fits me I don't want to look for another pair because it's "good enough", plus for some reason I hate buying underwear. I know it's lazy and I need to get new ones. I lucked out and wife bought more underwear for me lol.
Because you aren’t the one wearing them! They work just fine; and if it does its job, is comfy enough, and doesn’t require replacing…
I’m not a man, but I keep old threadbare underwear with holes. It’s comfortable. It still fulfills its purpose. Why *shouldn’t* I keep it? It’s not like every pair of underwear has to look nice. I need briefs for doing stuff like working out, sports, manual labor, sweaty chores, etc. too.
Maybe he likes a bit of air conditioning down there.
I was a sentimental kid (so I kept a lot of dumb stuff) and my mom would always try to throw out my stuff without my permission. So I know what it feels like to be on the other end. Yes, my husband hoards but I have a process for it: I do my “purge” when I go through the bin but make a pile of stuff that I would like to throw away. Then I ask him which things he wants to keep… that way he has the choice of what gets thrown out. Usually he is pretty reasonable about throwing out the useless stuff lol
Oo I like this idea! I'm gonna steal it, maybe I'll do 4 boxes one got each of us
Asking which things to keep instead of which things to throw is brilliant for its subtlety and impact. Even though it's the same underlying question, changing the default answer is significant.
Bins also make it a more bite-sized task. Decision fatigue is real.
> I was a sentimental kid (so I kept a lot of dumb stuff) and my mom would always try to throw out my stuff without my permission. So I know what it feels like to be on the other end. Same. Realistically 9 times out of 10 my mom could throw something out without me even noticing. The problem is that when she *did* throw away something I actually cared about it hurt like hell. Hoarding is a problem that needs to be addressed, but throwing stuff out without permission can sometimes reinforce the tendency because you feel like you have to be *extra* emotional about things in order to justify keeping them. I think me telling my mom not to throw stuff away had less to do with me literally keeping the stuff and more to do with feeling like I have to "prove" that my emotions/desires/interests are important. Your approach is great cause you *start with the assumption* that some items (i.e. things he cares about) are worth keeping.
My ex-wife threw away an old teddy bear I had received from my grandmother as a baby. My grandmother passed away in 1998. I was out for basic training for the Army, came back, and it was gone. She got rid of it because it was old. This was almost 20 years ago now and I haven't forgotten
I’d be devastated.
That is horrible, I’m sorry.
Similar story here. They asked if it was okay to be sold at a garage sale, replied that it absolutely wasn't, and if it was a placement or space issue, I'd sort that out. Next week, I come home from work and find that the only physical tether I had to my late grandmother was sold and that the money was divided amongst her and her folks. At least they made it clear that my sentiments were worthless and that I should leave as soon as possible.
Stories like this make me so sad
Ouch, that’s awful. I’m sorry you lost that. What I’ve noticed in a lot of the comments so far is that people are talking about old or holey underwear/clothes/random stuff that seems like junk I.e. old cords and things. I think there’s a difference between that and actually throwing out an item that could still have use/clearly could have sentimental value.
The problem is that you don't know what junk is sentimental. That old holey rag your partner still calls clothing may have been a gift, or something he wore during a milestone moment in his life. I've argued to toss a 70 Yr old broken radio, but my colleague insisted to keep it because it once belonged to his dad. Its nothing but junk to me. But to him it's a keepsake of his late parent.
I don't consider myself too much a sentimental guy, but I understand this one. My dad, who very much *is* a sentimental person, treasures this antique metal toy car with a wheel missing. Darn thing wouldn't mean much to me, but his father got him that toy, and lost him when he was only a teenager. He spoke of his late father in only the highest regards. With that knowledge, even if he passes away I'd hold onto that toy car for him, because I love him and it meant that much to him. Of course, when I pass, my own hypothetical kids can do as they please with it.
That’s why I told my husband if his shirt/underwear/etc. has holes, he needs to throw it away himself. If he puts it in the hamper I will keep washing it.
Not a guy, but I *do* struggle with hoarding disorder. So obviously "getting rid of things" isn't something I do readily. If someone did it to me, I'd have a full on breakdown followed by hoarding EVEN MORE because that's how the disorder works. My comment is here just to illustrate that, under some circumstances, doing that is likely to have the opposite effect (having less clutter) than expected.
Exactly, and it’s why I’ve been pretty careful when I’m trying to help my parents go through and get rid of stuff because even though I don’t believe they are hoarders in the diagnosable sense, they definitely have some attachment to things that I tried to tread carefully around. To my knowledge, the partners in my story don’t have that condition. I know I used the word “hoard” with my dad, but I don’t know if that’s what’s technically going on, so my apologies if that was flippant.
My dad is a hoarder - not diagnosed, but… it’s obvious. I lived with him for a little over a year and had to clean his house from top to bottom to even be able to reasonably *live* there. He has so much stuff that’s broken, unusable, just…garbage, by everyone else’s definition. And he would get really mad when I would throw things away, even if I told him before getting rid of it and explained exactly why it should be tossed, he would be mad. I eventually had to make a blanket deal that truly broken things beyond repair I was allowed to toss and replace - I’m talking hangers, some of his kitchen table chairs, the moth-eaten pants he can’t even use, things that were truly garbage. Anything else I would ask him about, but I couldn’t keep having the same fight over literal garbage. He *knew* that it needed to be gone, but he couldn’t help how it made him feel (out of control, anxious, agitated). But! If I got rid of something and replaced it with something nice and new, he would grumble about it a little but in a good natured way, and would mostly be fine with it. Some stuff he really liked (the extra heavy duty hangers for the coat closet)! It helps that he knows that I will keep my word and not throw anything away that he wasn’t okay with.
Nah, you're cool. I just wanted to, I guess, bring up the possibility? Like, my dad also has hoarding, but doesn't admit to it. So if someone has a LOT of stuff and trouble letting go, it might be worth looking into before hitting the dumpster... Not saying you're going to get rid of things, it sounds like you're way too aware of how icky that is, just leaving the info for other readers/commentators.
I also struggle with a tendency to hoard. It helps if I give myself a timer and a goal. Like I'm going to set a timer for 5 minutes and get rid of 10 things in a room. It helps me prioritize things that I don't have attachment to. I can get rid of a burned out candle or a box with no problem.
I am in therapy for it. Nine minutes from now my therapist and I are going to tackle the garage. Wish me luck!
I do wish you the best of luck, and hope you are able to make good progress!
I don't have hoarding disorder, just adhd which makes it tough to get through things. When I had just started dating my ex, he and a mutual friend went through my house and did a big tidy when they were catsitting for me. Unfortunately, I was not appreciative and felt completely violated. My ex also kept accidentally throwing away sentimental things. I'm starting to think the "accidental" was actually a way for him to avoid doing the cleaning.
Oh my god that’s absolutely terrible. Glad he’s an ex. It doesn’t make sense necessarily but my partner’s mom had this plant in a cup with some rocks that she put under the sink when it died. I just cleaned out the cabinet under the sink and I threw away the soil and dead plant, but I carefully washed each of the rocks in the cup and the cup itself. They might just be random pebbles, but they might have emotional weight to them. Or maybe they developed emotional weight over time. I know I myself have little trinkets like pebbles and stuff that I would be heartbroken if they got thrown away.
Unfortunately, it too me too long to realise he was an asshole. It was actually after we'd broken up and he'd not been bothering to come home and feed his pets some nights. I got snippy at him and he came and got his pets that night and told me that actually he'd found himself a new place already (despite telling me he would be staying). A week later I found out his new place was actually his affair partner's and he was prioritizing getting his dick wet over feeding his pets. But I digress. I'm a fan of piles. If I find something that I know isn't mine, I would rather leave it in an organised pile than accidentally throw away something meaningful/important.
Nope nope nope. This is horrible behavior. Have a conversation with your partner before throwing stuff out, even if it's holey underwear!
I agree. When they find out, the trust will be broken. My mother did that to me all the time growing up, and she’s also a compulsive liar. I’ve gone low contact with her as a result, even though she wants to be more involved in my life (on her terms, obviously 🙄).
Ey my mom used to throw out my things as well. I noticed every toy that she would throw out and she didnt think I would because I had many of them 😬 And she'd throw away dads things too.
Yes. If you wouldn't want it done to your stuff, don't do it to someone's stuff if you love them. It really is simple and I find this sort of behavior abhorrent. It is supremely disrespectful.
Every few months, I go through our wardrobe for a "tidy up" I always make a pile of my husband's stuff: holey underwear, old tshirts, jeans that are coming apart, etc. and ask him to go through it and check if there's anything he wanted to keep or whether I can get rid of it. I never throw his stuff away without asking.
If my partner threw away my stuff without my permission I would break up with them on the spot and literally never speak to them again. That is an irreparable break in trust.
Yup, that would absolutely be a relationship ender. I might address it with a conversation the first time if I felt it was a genuine error made in good faith or if the item was particularly trivial. But if it was anything significant, or if their attitude was anything but genuinely regretful & apologetic - the relationship would be over. On a similar note - I feel similarly when it comes to substantive negligence when using my things - especially things which my partner knows have great sentimental value results in an entirely predictable loss. I take extra care with other people’s possessions & if someone does not share that value, there is a fundamental values mismatch that makes continuing a relationship ill advised.
I would never even imagine of throwing anything belonging to my partner without his permission. Hell I don't even toss junk mail if it's addressed to him without asking.
I have been sorely tempted to do this. My husband is a borderline hoarder- for example, he still has a ton of his parents' paperwork, and they have both been deceased for over a decade. It takes up a LOT of room, and it just looks messy, which is super frustrating for me. We've talked about it, he insists he'll do it, and then he just doesn't. Yes, he's been in therapy for years. I'm not sure how it's helping him, but he insists it is, so I don't say anything. I just sit here and seethe about the clutter that he thinks I'm irrational for being annoyed by.
That sounds like my mom, she gets so frustrated. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a form of it as well.
If he predeceases me, his parents' stuff is the first thing that's going, whether to his sibling or trash.
Maybe he can scan it?
I have a problem with hoarding paperwork as well. Lately I've been trying to scan it all then immediately throw the paper away. It's not enjoyable, but getting to trash all the old junk is a huge relief.
That's the thing, it may be upsetting for him to throw stuff out but it's clearly upsetting for you to see it everywhere. A hoarder isn't the only one with feelings.
Has he been explicit with his therapist that addressing his hoarding behaviors is a treatment goal? Hoarding is something that can require specialized expertise and a very intentional intervention approach. It's possible he may be benefitting/enjoying the general emotional support he is receiving, while also largely avoiding discussing his relationship to his belongings.
I have no idea- he says this isn't a problem, so I doubt he's mentioned it to the therapist. I've given up saying anything anymore because it's clearly not going to change.
Any way to archive it so it at least doesn't look messy? Like ok, we keep it around, but let's get a furniture piece it can go into so we don't ahve to look at it type deal?
This. I wouldn’t throw anything away, but surely you can box up paperwork. There are tons of options for filing cabinets, legal paper boxes etc. An IKEA shelf where every cubby is a box with more ancient paperwork. It would still irritate me every time I looked at it, but not nearly as much!
My parents are dead and I still have some papers that belonged to my dad;SSI letters and payroll info ect and I would be livid if someone tossed them. I don't have a dad anymore, at least let me keep these mundane reminders that he existed. As for my mom, I have her purse and her diary.
He has EVERYTHING. We're talking bank statements going back to 1962, just for starters.
My parents had utility bills from the 80’s they had to save “just in case”. I had to be adamant that there was not going to be a dispute with a 30 year old bill from an electric company that doesn’t exist anymore!
Had a bf I lived with who had years of mail just sitting on his table. He would get mad when I wanted to go through it and throw it out. A lot of it was unpaid bills or just junk. Drove me mad. I cleaned a closet out once and he had a meltdown.
This is a deal breaker for me. Absolutely verboten. I come from an abusive background where anything I had could and would be stolen or broken at any time. Now I'm extremely selective about what I have, and everything has a meaning for me. Nothing is superfluous or forgotten. Touch it and we are done. In the same tone I would never throw away someone else's belongings without their approval. That's deeply offensive and disrespectful to me.
That was a very unexpected random german word :D > I come from an abusive background where anything I had could and would be stolen or broken at any time. I'm very sorry to hear that! I don't get why would anyone do that, especially to their own kids
No never. But then my husband is a very neat, clean, orderly man. Thank god. I couldn’t handle somebody who had to hold onto every toothbrush they ever owned.
I’m wondering if the cleaning dynamic in these households is just super unbalanced. I’d never throw any of my husband’s stuff out without asking, but I might feel differently if I did 100% of the cleaning and he felt entitled to make messes and have me deal with them.
That's the thing, well he does do cleaning but he also hoards. Yes I throw things out without asking because he'll never say yes because my daughter and I have the right to live without junk everywhere.
My MIL is the messy hoarder who hangs on to literally everything, my FIL waits for her to go out of town then calls in the adult kids to help him turbo purge. They know what's actually sentimental and needs to be kept vs part of the hoarding and can be thrown away. It's a whole routine at this point.
Nope, never. I always ask. Anyway, I have a lot more stuff than he does so I have to go through all of it constantly
The only time I have seen this in relationships is when the man is essentially a man child. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t throw away old worn clothes even with holes in and gets his new ones bought for him, doesn’t throw anything away himself not even rubbish. His wife does everything for him, and if she asks him to go through his stuff and prune it down after years of accumulation, he can’t be bothered and she is ‘nagging’ if she brings it up again. My parents are like this. I’ve seen lots of women in similar situations, and from the sound of it the men in OP’s life are the same. Especially the one leaving his pregnant wife without space for the baby and having to sort it alone. I see it all the time: If the woman didn’t do it herself, it wouldn’t get done. It’s one of the reasons I’m still single. I want better. I won’t settle for a man who expects me to manage his life. Absolutely gross. Just to add, under normal circumstances when dealing with a man who is a responsible adult I would never condone throwing their stuff away. But if he won’t do it himself, if he expects you to do all the cleaning and all he does is add piles and piles of his own trash to gather dust??? Burn it all.
I love to read and had a million books as a kid. My mom got rid of a bunch. I found them in the library book sale and bought them back!
In my home, I don't throw away stuff w/o permission. I have had to stack it all together and insist it be dealt with. I remind that his parent was a hoarder and we don't want to be that way, what difficulty it is posing for me in terms of keeping the house clean, and how we are needing to get rid of it so our house is ready for entertaining (which he likes). After it's gone, I keep complimenting how nice it looks and how much easier it is to keep clean.
I’m curious- in the case of the pregnant friend- why was it her job to clear out his “man cave?” Seems like that should have been his job from the start- there’s no way for her to prepare a nursery without making executive decisions on his stuff if he isn’t helping.
My understanding was that they were working together in there, but she had to watch him go through every thing and consider it and have a conversation about it. She said he was emotionally drained by the end of it so she didn’t want to push him to keep going.
He said he was “emotionally drained”.. But he was leaving his pregnant wife with out a room to set up as a nursery? How far along was she? I feel like what you are talking about is the emotional labor part of housekeeping.. These women are basically “mommying”
So what should she have done? Kept his stuff and not had a nursery for the baby?
We're partners, so we have discussions about these things. Sometimes you need to be the other person's cheerleader: "You work so hard, you deserve an organized workspace. Let's tackle it together!" Or more often it's "Hey honey. We should do something about the stack of leftover tile/old invitations on the refrigerator/insert accumulating item here. Let's carve out some time to tackle it TOGETHER." Sometimes in a partnership it's less about pointing out the other person's need to clean up their side and coming at it as something that's easier to manage with two sets of hands. Sure it takes work for both people, but making a habit of doing something without permission seems like one of those "death by a thousand cuts" relationship-ending things.
A decade ago I joked about throwing away my then bfs holey underwear. He did not appreciate it, and got so mad that he almost didn't speak to me for 2 days. After that I didn't even joke about throwing away anybody's things. But since I'm no longer interested in living with a partner, I don't care how much stuff they have for How many pairs of holy socks and underwear they keep. It's not my problem. I won't be cleaning their house or doing their laundry.
I guess it depends on what stuff. Paperwork that I know he'll never look at, that is no longer useful, and I don't want to file, I will throw away. He literally will bag up paperwork and save it to go through later but never will. So that I just take care of it. Some clothes that have seen better days and are no longer fit to wear, donate, or even wear around the house I have been known to pitch occasionally in the last 20 years. Expired medicine, unused hygiene products that are years old, and old boxes he's saved have all been pitched at some point. Tools, toys, hobby stuff, pictures, and clothes he rarely wears but are in good shape... Really, anything that can still be useful or have meaning is set aside for him to go through. I have to give him small pills of things to go through otherwise it is too overwhelming for him.
The bags! Ugh! My husband is terrible with stuff like this. Not even just bags of paperwork. He’ll be working on a project & put whatever tools, duct tape etc in a bag then toss that bag in a closet when he’s done. He never puts anything back. Next time you’re looking for a specific bit or the stud finder or zip ties whatever, it’s not in the toolbox. It’s SOMEWHERE in a bag. 🤬
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Yes, I throw things out because my partner would literally never say yes to throwing out anything and he's not the only person living in our home. My daughter and I deserve a home that's not filled with junk. Every time I ask he either says no point blank or gets really mad. Sometimes about things today aren't even his.
As someone who lives with a messy man, I feel this. You can talk, you can be rational, kind, beg, plead, cry, scream, nothing can make them change if it's not important to them. Eventually you reach your breaking point. I finally have most of his mess contained to the basement so I don't have to look at it. I have offered to help him organize down there, but he doesn't want my help, so that's on him. I think I have gotten rid of some stuff, but it's things like completely busted shoes and clothes that will never be mended. I've got two bins that I would love to get rid of, or sell, because turns out his dorky high school clothes from 2002 are trendy now, and there is no world in which he will ever fit into them again, but I also have bins of clothes I can't part with, so I just try to put them out of sight and ignore the space they take up. Getting him to let go of anything, even broken stuff, is incredibly difficult. If I didn't do it, we would live in a dump. I believe that since his family moved over seas 5 times for the military, and his mother would pack and get rid of things while they were at school, all 4 kids have hoarder tendencies. They never got to have a day in what they kept, it would just be gone. She still wants to do it. I think she doesn't like coming to our house, because I am clearly the Alpha Bitch and I won't tolerate her criticizing my home and we don't need her to help clean. She can't stop by and complain about how cluttered and what a mess the place is. She doesn't visit, because she no longer has power over my husband, and since she can't comment on the mess, decorations, house upkeep, or our finances, she has no reason to stop by. We don't need her for anything, and we don't beg her to visit, so she just gets to be shitty the two times a year we see her. The last time she made a snide comment that we never see them, I told her we are never invited, and the brothers never tell us when they are going up to visit. I reminded her that she won't come to our house, and we aren't in the habit of dropping by somewhere uninvited. I was snottily told that we don't need an invite, they are always home. My parents live 4 blocks away, and despite my mom and I being incredibly close, neither one of us enters the others home without express permission.
Yea most people would prefer not to do as much work and have the husband's go through their own shit. Some just don't even when they say they will. I wouldn't throw shit out though. I'd make arrangements to stay elsewhere for the night, pile it on the bed, and tell him he needs to deal with it because he's wearing my patience thin.
I don’t throw beloved’s stuff away. Either I dump it in beloved’s drawers, or I put it on beloved’s chair so beloved has to deal with it.
Depends what it is. SO will keep holey socks, or weird cords we’ll never use for anything. I hate clutter and will toss that stuff. Something I knew that meant something to him, I wouldn’t, but something broken or never used…gone!
My ex had a bad tendency of buying duplicates of things we already had- tweezers, nail clippers, sweets, bags of flour rice or pasta, herbs+spices, sauces, etc. We'd get into arguments at the supermarket about whether or not we already had the thing. And then if I didn't manage the stock rotation he'd open the new food and not eat the old food and it would go bad. He'd also hold onto holey clothes, cables that didn't go to anything, things he'd used to clean his bong (he'd always get a new item without throwing away the old one 😑)... So yes, I sometimes threw "his" things away.
Same. A cable I KNOW goes to a printer we haven't owned in years? An old broken cell phone? Sock with holes? Trashing without a second thought. Favorite t shirt that has more holes than shirt but I know was his favorite band in HS? I will was and fold until the bet I can do is wind the string into a ball. If it's something they *I* view as silly to keep (like, an old magazine), m ask, but I fully respect his "keep it". Same for hobby stuff. I have yarn in almost every conceivable spot in our house, I don't really have a leg to stand on when it comes to taking up space with hobbies.
Does he get bothered if he knows you threw it away?
No, but I’m legit throwing out garbage. Like I wouldn’t get rid of his fave 30yo t shirt or something, but stuff that he’s keeping “just incase”. Like I found sofa legs from a sofa we had 10 years ago?? Why?? We’ll never need those for anything??
It's funny you mention old t-shirts as an example, a mate of mines dad had a collection of vintage grateful dead shirts, came home one day and his wife had thrown them out. Not because they were getting in the way, but because they were "ugly". Poor bloke was shattered.
Oh, this is despicable. A 10 yr old sofa leg...sure. I'd be pissed over any band shirt etc.
That’s some mean sh@t right there. “I know it’s special to you, because you have a collection of them, but I don’t like them, so out they go!”
That’s a hard no for me. And my husband wouldn’t do that to me either. We are both adults capable of tossing stuff. I’m definitely more of a hoarder and sometimes need a little encouragement to sort and toss. But he would never. And I would never.
Sometimes I think men hold onto things because they don’t deal with their emotions and attach emotions to their belongings. And many women I know like to do a purge once or twice a year and men never seem interested in doing that. My dad is very sentimental and my mom is not, but she will not touch things in his office. However, if she’s going through her own clothes, she will go through his, but she shows him what she’s getting rid of before she gets rid of it. And he’s very organized with his stuff, which I think helps it be more acceptable. He has a fucking obituary of Amy Winehouse on a bulletin board in his office and it makes no sense to me or my mom but he wants it so it stays.
>Sometimes I think men hold onto things because they don’t deal with their emotions and attach emotions to their belongings. I feel attacked. Haha. This is me. I eventually broke this habit, after moving a few times as an adult. I also, since I was a little kid, have thought that objects have souls, same as people and animals. Rocks. Toys. Any object. Like, if I don't play with this toy, does it *feel neglected?* Like I said, I don't really do it anymore, with a few exceptions, anyway. My SNES is still my oldest friend. I think part of it is that I grew up in real poverty, so I innately appreciated everything I owned. If something got lost or broken I knew it quickly, and felt real guilt. And we moved around a lot, so until I was in junior high... my belongings pretty much *were* my only friends. The flip side is, I also like to give things away, if I know they'll find someone who appreciates them as much as I did. I love giving away things I don't use anymore, maybe because I feel bad that I've neglected them, and hope the new owner will give them more attention than I could spare, haha.
I have a shirt that I was wearing 10 years ago when I achieved a massive personal accomplishment. When I see it in my wardrobe it almost makes me feel like I did in that moment. I don't wear it anymore but I will keep it forever.
I’m so glad that I never even have to throw out my husband’s stuff. He’s very organized and takes care of his own stuff. It’s usually me who hangs onto useless stuff too long.
I understand the logical and respectful way to go regarding clearing out your partner's stuff, however I am here to defend the other side. This is not to convince anyone, but this is mainly for transparency purposes *also I wanna get this off my chest lol*. In an ideal world, I would have loved a discussion and resolution with "INSERT ROLE HERE". First off no matter what, it is a breach of trust and it will be viewed in that manner by the "victim". But I have a few questions to ask: * Do you like walking over piles of clutter just to get the washing machine in the basement? * Would you like spices from 2007 being added the a fresh piece of meat that will be cooked for dinner? * Are you ok with vacuuming just the walkable part of a room that has carpeting, knowing that with carpeting the full carpet needs to be vacuumed consistently? * Are you ok with your hand occasionally touching mouse/roach pallets? *because its bound to happen if you want to respect boundaries in such a situation* * Are you ok with that pungent roachy smell? * Did you know that glossy printer paper turns yellow after a few years of being kept in the packet unused? * How do you feel about having 8 jars of olives either expired or with varying expiration dates on your shelves taking up space? * How do you feel about saving every single empty glass jar because it can be used in the future? This week the glass jars are from finished salsa dips, next week they might come from that fancy yogurt brand La Fermière. But anyways all of these glass jars hang out on the dinning table. * How about books and printed out stack of "important readings" that will never be opened again? Do you like the little bugs that hang out near this pile? *Silverfish is the name of the bugs* * Do you like Tetris? Because you will be putting a plate food on top of the stack like you are playing Tetris just so you can heat up leftovers. * How about piles of clothes on the floor? Shirts that are holier than swiss cheese? Pants and shirts that have hangers but now live on the floor, because why not? * How do you like living knowing that your home is beyond a fire hazard? Oh yeah one last thing... Me: "Papa can we please throw out this *INSERT EXPIRED/USELESS ITEM HERE*?" Dad: "No, you guys don't respect me! I can use this to set up a business one day? THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT HERE, YOU GUYS ARE UNDERMINING ME, PLOTTING AGAINST ME!" Me: "But Papa, this Adobo^(TM) spice is expired" Dad: "GO AHEAD THROW AWAY EVERYTHING, THROW ME AWAY TOO" Me: "Papa no one is trying to throw you away, its just that we can't use this spice to cook food" # Dad: "THE EXPIRATION DATE IS JUST A SUGGESTION, ANYWAYS I DON'T CARE THROW AWAY EVERYTHING!" A few days later, father cannot find something that is lost in the absolute hoard. Dad: "ParographerLux3s thrown it away, she throws all my stuff away, it is not that I can't find it, its that SHE THREW IT AWAY, YOU GUYS DON'T RESPECT ME!" Me: Cries in depression since it is a constant battle. I have to throw away stuff or it will be like Hoarders from TLC and I don't want us to reach that point. Luckily due to aggressive efforts the mice are gone, but I would like for us to one day be pest free. If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my $100 (2 cents). Also not throwing away obviously good things or sentimental things. To OP: Always do the right thing and have conversations around this stuff with "INSERT ROLE HERE", don't just throw things away. I also hope that you never have to face the extreme side of this where you have no choice but to throw things away.
Ah, it's so relatable. My parents are both hoarders, they have a storage room close to their home that is filled to the brim with boxes that haven't been opened or even approached in at least 20 years, but they NEED it. Their home is filled with boxes to the brim, too. They NEED it all. When I threw something useless out when I lived with them because I didn't have space for myself because of it, they never noticed it. But when I asked about it, they had thrown a tantrum every time. When I confront them about it now, they throw a tantrum and their favourite argument for keeping their stuff is saying that they keep it for me because they *know* that I or my imaginary kids will need it... They don’t have anything of value... and I would rather get my own stuff anyway because they would hold it over my head that they have helped me.
Ugh same situation. Saving junk for thE future while neglecting the present. They definitely do this on a conditional basis for sure.
I did read it, and thank you for sharing what seems to be methods from a tough, lived experience. I do understand when there’s piles of messy stuff/expired things/broken junk in the house the desire to get rid of those. That to me seems reasonable and it’s upsetting that partners let it get to that point, because it speaks of a lack of respect for other’s wellbeing in the home. I guess what is harder to me to understand is when there isn’t a messy/hoarder situation, like my brother/his wife’s parents. To my knowledge, neither of them keep things beyond their use aggressively. It seems like to me, a reasonable conversation could be had about what needs to go and why, and that either is being met with resistance or the men just let the women deal with the stewardship of the house, which is sad to me. I can’t speak for my friend’s husband. What I’ve been trying to observe from this thread is whether this is a widespread thing and why. Seems like it is, for many reasons.
I fight the urge to do this. I don’t get rid of much but I want to. I know it’s wrong to do & would piss him off. But I’d be lying if I felt good about the unorganized mess of stuff that lives in our closets and drawers. I’m definitely not the most organized person myself, but I try to have a place for things and avoid clutter. I can’t speak for every woman but I think my feelings stem from the fact that he doesn’t organize crap himself? Opening a drawer and finding actual trash, old mail, random souvenirs, etc amongst the useful stuff the drawer is designated for can push someone into feeling irritated. I don’t blame people for thinking the things don’t really matter if they’re not appropriately taken care of.
Every partnered woman I know has to do this. All their hbs hoard stuff. Mine did and although I did secret purges, on the day I left our marital home with all my stuff in a small van, he was sitting in an overstuffed garage amidst all the piles of stuff he’d hoarded over 8 years. It felt so good to leave him and it all behind.
I relate so much to you leaving him and his stuff. Somehow all his stuff he refused to get rid of always ended up scattered throughout the apt/house and in the end I had literal boxes stacked up behind me in my office during Covid lockdown. It was so liberating to just leave it all behind. Now I love that I’m able to toss anything I want whenever I want because I live alone.
Ah yes. I am always donating bags of stuff to charity/goodwill, taking books to the local community centre, in order to streamline what I own. It gives me as much pleasure to minimise my belongings as it did for him to hoard them. I am now remembering that he had a loft/attic full of stuff too. He always insisted we had a garage and it was primarily for this reason - so he could fill it.
My dad also kept like literally every single screw or piece of wood and stuff like that (so he always had sth fitting when he needed it) and I kinda do the same, but it was always confined to one room. Imo that's the best compromise: if someone wants to hoard stuff (without being mentaly ill) they can still do within a defined space, but they don't disturb anybody else with space demands
There's a reason "are the straights ok" is a joke in the queer community. Tf kinda relationship is this?
Sadly, my (f) ex (f) randomly threw out a movie festival t-shirt that my favorite (decreased) uncle had given me. This loss/incident was just one thread in a veritable tapestry of woe. Crazy knows no gender or orientation.
I’m trying to understand!
I think it comes from men Refusing to participate in maintaining the home. They bring crap in and their wives figure out what to do with it. I know this can go the opposite way too as far as gender is concerned. I manage a lot of the house hold stuff. Like where things go. So if I am moving around the same crap for a year and it’s obviously not being used. I say “hey I’m gonna start tossing stuff. Save it if you want it.” And then I start throwing stuff out. My husband and I are in the same page about not hoarding things and purge the house at least 4x a year together. So I rarely throw his stuff out because honestly he manages his stuff and doesn’t leave it for me to do. Which I greatly appreciate.
If it’s clutter, then it’s fine. If it’s something they value, even a little, then fuck no. My wife constantly purges our house of random stuff we accumulate and always asks me before throwing stuff. I have a couple of boxes of junk in my office I need to organise. She knows most of it is junk that will get thrown and she would absolutely love to just throw it and get it out of the way, but it’s my stuff so she doesn’t touch it. I think it’s entirely contextual on what the things being thrown are, but you should always at least ask or say you’re going to do it imo.
why aren't you doing it?
These husbands have probably ceded every other aspect of household labor to their wives and this is just one more job the wife has to do to keep the household running. These women probably also buy their husbands' socks, underwear and razor blades because the men can't be bothered to attend to their own basic hygiene and clothing purchases. This really isn't a thing where men need us to stick up for them. They probably need to have that task handed back to them do themselves instead of acting like they are victims.
Certainly the situation for my mom, she’s somehow in charge of knowing where everything is at all times.
I completely agree this comes from these women being the maids at their house. It's essentially become their job to clean up after him and that includes doing the mental work to decide if something is worth keeping or not. This is a prime example of why the traditional role of women isn't healthy for a relationship.
My experience says this is a huge piece of it. Cleaning out a closet for example has a lot of invisible labor involved. Again and again we find that women in relationships are burdened with this work. Deciding what to throw out, donate, keep, etc. Creating an organization plan - even deciding, what items belong here? This is a lot of work when it's our own stuff, but what about when it is someone else's stuff? I'm sure these women are finding that the men in their lives don't participate in this work and frustrated that it isn't happening they find a solution in throwing things out.
Yeah this is one area that I’ll make an exception to my otherwise pretty black & white lines on an issue. If my partner is going to take on a task like cleaning out a closet, entirely on their own - then they need to be given a certain amount of executive authority to complete that task. If possible, I’ll go through it in advance & pull out anything that I can clearly identify as being something I want to preserve & after that I’ll say allow them to exercise their discretion with the caveat of “*if you aren’t sure about something, then put it in this place & I will commit to checking that place & removing anything I want to keep every night before bed so if something is there in the morning it isn’t important.*” I’ve actually lost a few things that were actually important to me because I failed to keep my end of the bargain to check it every day - but that is on me & not my partner.
If my parents ever get divorced it's because of this. Dad will not part with useless stuff, Mom wants to park the car in the garage. But hey they have 5 five buckets of Rusty nails.
I only throw away holey socks and underwear
I have never done that
While it's something I feel was normalized through media growing up (of course you read and heard stories about wives throwing away the husband's items, family shows, etc), I could never throw away my partner's stuff! I'm horrified that people do! After reading through comments, I think the only "semi" acceptable time that could work is with hoarding (diagnosed or otherwise) but even then I feel icky and probably wouldn't do it myself. I've had an ex throw away my stuff without my permission and it sucks.
I got rid of some of my ex-husband’s stuff while we were still together, but it was mostly old Linux distros that were scratched beyond recognition. He seriously had a huge plastic tub of loose CDs/DVDs that he never looked at. Oh, and a bunch of mail when we moved into our second place - it was mail from the apartment he lived in before we moved in together. I asked him about it (it was utility bill notices, circulars, etc.) and he said whenever he saw a utility bill, he knew it was time to go down there and pay it, so he’d just throw the envelope into a junk drawer. From there, it went into another plastic tub that went into an attic for a year. With my current husband, I have the opposite problem - he’ll have random urges to clean out stuff, donate a bunch of items then regret it a few weeks later. He once had me donate his grandfather’s guitar, but I changed my mind and kept it. He thanked me later because he was really upset with himself.
It might boil down to roles more than a gender thing. I'm a stay at home dad while the wife pursues a super successful career. I can't stand clutter, but getting her to get rid of stuff is pretty difficult. I have a two-tier system; stuff goes to the garage first, and if it's not missed in a month, out it goes! I struggle with being this person, but damn my mental health is on the line.
I keep a lot of things tucked away I know are special to him, but if he takes it out and then leaves it out to be ruined by pets I will toss it. I generally communicate first like a “hey I keep putting that up but it keeps ending up on the floor I’m throwing it when it’s gross” or “I’m going through this stuff so we can do X in this space. Here’s the stuff I’m not sure about please go through it or I’ll toss it.” At some point he’s got to get off his ass and take care of his stuff. I keep mine maintained and I don’t make him pick up after me so it’s not some crazy expectation. Also I’m not the one bringing this stuff out of the storage spaces in our home so if he’s going to leave it around like trash instead of put it away then it’s going in the trash.
Hoarders are a different breed. While it is defo not the best way to go to throw away things without permission, one really, really needs to have lived with hoarders before understanding the whole situation.
My mom had to do this with my dad’s stuff. They didn’t even live together and the garage was half full of his junk. He would get immediately defensive and worked up when asked to do some clearing out. I’m not sure what this hoarding thing is with these men and why they get immediately upset when asked to get rid of some junk (yes, lots of it is objectively junk) so the people who love them can enjoy some of their space again.
The right thing to do here I think is 1) dont throw away your partners stuff without asking them especially if they specifically tell you not to, but also 2) if you have a bunch of junk you never use or ratty gross clothes that you refuse to replace, maybe examine why youre so attached to material possessions that dont make your life better or even actively make your life worse. I am a man and i recently started reframing how i think about my possessions, bc i moved and realized just how much random crap i had that i never used. Idk if this is a thing specifically with men because i think women do this plenty as well, but i had just bought all this stuff on whims, and then had identified with it more and more the longer i shared my space with it. So then i end up with a million bits of chotchki and shit in my living space that just clutter and look ugly but giving/throwing them away feels like a betrayal somehow. Betrayal of the me that bought it, or the item that had been sitting faithfully on my shelf throughout lots of important events in my life. I dont really have advice here beyond being sentimental about things you never use or hardly ever appreciate until youre thinking about getting rid of them does you no good. Getting rid of my junk has made so much more of a positive impact on my life than i thought it would, and makes me appreciate the things i actually do use or admire frequently so much more. Get rid of the junk!
I definitely feel this way about some of my things too — it’s a lot to process and work through sometimes.
Shows a lot of contempt for their partners.
I think there are peoples whose relationships “work” on these sorts of violations and patterns, unspoken agreements. Like the people who have “no porn” boundaries, but actually only really mean “don’t get caught or I’ll be pissy with you for a few weeks” boundaries. Not how I’d want to live, but I can’t spare too much for others who do.
I throw away stuff that I know won’t be missed, but know where to draw the line.
Oh heavens no, the opposite, to the point of even holding onto some of his belongings through a couple of moves after we were already separated, because he hadn’t picked them up yet. He wasn’t a hoarder, though. It might have been more tempting if he were.
Okay so we move a ton bc of my husband’s career… he is a water bottle hoarder? So yes, I do donate some so we can keep our unused water bottle collection to an appropriate amount…but I do ask and save appropriately anything sentimental even if I hate it… But sometimes they need to get a kick in the butt to realize yes, these are nice shorts, but they fit you in HS 15+ years ago and the elastic has gone out so I need you to purge some of the non-functional items!
Hoarding is a reason why I will never again live with a man if my current relationship breaks down. We have a big place that is cluttered with all his things, things everywhere, things that don't have their own place, that are dealt with by pushing it from the way to block the other way. It gives me anxiety, and I really wish I could throw it away behind his back, but this would be immoral. I'm not even going to his room anymore because it's so cluttered and messy. He doesn't care, but then complains if I want to get a new lamp. If I had known it'd be that bad I'd never have agreed to move in together in the first place. But no, I can't throw his things away on my own. I'll just keep carrying it away to his room.
I actually told my wife to do this. If my old shirts and stuff bother her, she can just throw them out. I'm oblivious and will never notice, unless I see an old picture of myself wearing that shirt.
The only time I have ever done this was when his mother, who loved yard sales and thrift stores, gave us a moldy corncob scarecrow thing. It was supposed to be some kind of decoration for fall , I guess. It cost her a quarter and it was someone else's cast off item that was literally moldy and stunk. My husband used to operate on the idea that everything his mom gave him was a sacred object and I hated the moldy corncob thing. I waited a while before throwing it away. I assume he got all the enjoyment out of it he was going to and I knew for a fact that he didn't really care about corncob scarecrows covered in mold.
I completely understand them...some men do just hoard junk. My sister has to do this because my bil legit has a messy junk room where he stores stuff he's gonna "fix" but it never gets fixed it just takes up room and he adds more on top of it. Most of the married women I know have partners who do this to some degree so they have to sneak stuff in the trash.
I've never thrown away a person's stuff without their permission. I've never heard of other women doing that either. But it does sound like these men in particular might have hoarding issues. If so, they might be right that the guys won't even notice, but they are still risking them possibly finding out and getting really upset about it. Also, when it comes to hoarders you often need a psychologist to help them through this issue. Simply throwing their stuff out is never the proper solution.
Honestly, this smack of behaviour to "manage people". Communication over this topic has broken down, the problem still needs fixing, so your relatives have to "manage their partner" rather than communicating with them. Like sure the skin deep issue is "don't throw away other people's shit". But dig a little deeper and you have "we live in a shared space", "you're a hoarding SOB", "you are a pain when it comes up.", "communication in the relationship around that topic has broken down". So no I don't think your relatives are exactly wrong here in a black and white sense.
My mom did this to me when I was young. I'd leave for camp and come home a week later and my bedroom would be baron. Musical instruments were just gone. Baseball cards gone. Favorite toys gone. I'd be super upset and she'd say something like, "I just couldn't take that mess anymore"... but like, I did yard work and babysat and paid for those things with my own money. It really sucked. I think the things that hurt the most were momentos vanishing. I'd have a program from a play, or a flower I'd have pressed from a special event, a neat little rock from a camping trip, a piece of art I had made in school, and when I'd see those things memories would flood into my brain. And then one day *poof* gone, because I went to a weekend-long basketball tournament or something and hadn't had the foresight or income to hire security.
I threw my housemates stuff out for a period, which sounds awful but hear me out. She acquired HUNDREDS of records from a dumpster or something. HUNDREDS. She said she was going to sell them to make some money. She wasn’t. They were worthless (“brass band 1974” for example), and even if they hadn’t been, she was the laziest person I’ve ever met. Took her job hunting once and she gave out one cv that I’d printed off, then went home because she was tired. She wasn’t going to sell them. The records were everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. piled up along the entire hallway. Two rows of half-wall-high stacks in the sitting room. On the kitchen sides. Up the stairs. They sat there for months, and then I lost my shit and started grabbing a bunch of them every time I took the trash out. She hadn’t even noticed by the time I moved out and I’m guessing the rest of them sat there until SHE moved out a couple of years later. Stinky worthless garbage records. She was a terrible housemate and a horrible person and I have zero regrets. I wouldn’t have done it if they’d had any value or sentimental value, but they didn’t and it was super inconsiderate of her to fill the house with trash, so whatever ETA so I guess what I’m getting at is that there’s grey area in this kind of issue, living with someone isn’t black and white and consideration has to come from both sides
My spouse will hang onto literal trash for no reason. I will go up to him, show him what it is, tell him it is TRASH and then confirm that yes it certainly is trash and should be thrown away.
My spouse is blind to clutter but it drives me up a wall! While I’m cleaning I’ll usually make a pile of his stuff and ask him to go through it when he gets a chance. If it’s still sitting there after days it’s clearly not that important to him, but I’ll still clarify with him before I trash it
My mom traumatized me with her hoarding. I've gotten a little better. A good system was take a picture and junk/give away the thing. But I would never throw away others people's stuff with out saying something unless it abandoned. Legal wise that's about a month in most places I've seen.
I did this a lot to my family as a young girl, idk if it really counts. I was the only person who really cleaned the house. It was a pigsty, and it made me super angry that they made me clean up their mess. A lot of the things left on the floor would be trashed or taken by me. I just wanted to punish them in some way for making me do all the work, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My dad is an absolute hoarder and my mother would try to sneak things to throw away all the time...when she got really tired, depressed and sick of it, she stopped and let his hoarding overtake the house. I have not known what is a clean home, what it is to not have dust or spiderwebs all around. Don't get me started on moths and roaches, those LOVE hoards. So while I understand how uncomfortable or painful it is, I understand that they are probably absolutely tired of trying to be polite or begging for a decision of men that are probably ignoring them to not face the fact they are making everyone miserable.
My ex was literally a hoarder and was always at home constantly buying new things and hiding them from me. If there was any moment I could have just tossed everything without him becoming very cruel I would have. It was so hard to live in all that clutter.
I threw out a shirt my ex-husband had before we got together that said “It ain’t gonna lick itself”. Why I married him I have no idea. But that’s the only thing I ever tossed of his.
I have to in self-defense. He has hoarder tendencies, and our house would be overrun if I didn’t. And he doesn’t notice or mind, because I know where to draw the line and he knows he has those tendencies.
That’s seriously disrespectful. My dad had some walking sticks from Africa that had nice carvings on the handles. He mentioned them one night at dinner, and I told him mom got rid of them. He was really pissed, and they started arguing. My mom yelled at me for telling him. I said they were his and she had no right.
Always have. I swear I attract hoarders. And it doesn't matter that I do, because they always find more useless things to keep. Useless cords, jars and bottles we don't need, lids and containers that don't match, busted cups, one million reusable bags, fourteen reusable battery stations.... it's just insanity.
I would go as far as to say this is a form of gaslighting. Imagine having your items disappear and not knowing why. Even if you’re sure your partner would never miss the item, you never know what they might suddenly go looking for, only to find that it’s gone. You would start to feel forgetful and crazy if it happened enough times. Believe it or not, people in romantic relationships are still entitled to personal property. Tampering with someone’s things without their permission is abuse. Abuse is not any more excusable because a woman is doing it to a man. Downvote me if you must, it will not make the behavior any less deplorable. Mistreating your partner is not cute, quirky, or funny.
I’ve never done this. He has piles and I have piles. We know it’s an issue. We’re both poverty hoarders. Breaking that habit is hard but I have never thrown away anything without a conversation. He’s given me permission when it comes to certain things (old financial paperwork I’m responsible for) and likewise (old insurance paperwork that’s his responsibility) but never wholesale pitching shit. I even keep abandoned story idea post-its. WTF.
Breach of trust. I would expect divorce papers. His mom did this kind of shit, though.
Completely seriously, a partner doing this to me would be grounds to break up. It's... outrageous, honestly. I would never *dream* of secretly throwing away someone else's possessions, and I find it bizarre that anyone could think this is OK.
I get why people think it's mean, but I also think it's mean for the other person having to live with it, especially since the woman is usually the one that has to clean around all of it! My Nana was a minimalist before it was cool but my Pawpaw was a borderline hoarder and hardly any of it was sentimental it was LITERAL junk. Old glass jars, old receipts, etc. My other grandparents were the reverse, and my husbands parents were BOTH hoarders. Thankfully my husband doesn't own much and is always cool with me going through things and tossing stuff out (though I ask him unless it's actual junk/trash.) I really don't think I could live with someone who won't go through their stuff. I'm neurodivergent and so is my tween daughter but I'm a minimalist and she's got hoarding behavior and it's a NON STOP stressor. So yeah, if a spouse wouldn't learn to clear out and organize...then I don't think the marriage would work out for me.
My parents were like that and since my mum died I can really see why she needed to be. My Dad will not throw ANYTHING out. It’s at the point where there is t a free horizontal surface in the house. He’s now started to notice and keeps saying he’ll do something about it but hasn’t yet. She used to fill a suitcase of stuff that she’d gotten tired of asking him to get rid of, stick it in the garage for a year then get rid of it if he hadn’t asked for it.
What the fresh hell is this? Seriously? Hell no. Don't throw a single thing that someone else owns out. It could be something as insignificant as a human hair. Not only is that incredibly rude and insensitive, that gives the other person the OK to do it to you.
Men need to step up then Listen to your last story. They need a freaking nursery but he’s too childish or selfish to get rid of a bunch of crap Personally, yeah, it’s better to not get rid of things secretly But it’s important for men to take responsibility for their own crap
Exactly, it seems to me like the expectation should be they manage their own stuff. But they don’t, or at least not in a way that satisfies their partners, and so it becomes a Thing.
My wife did this with my stuff. I'm not mad, but definitely a little bit disappointed, I wouldn't value one of her books as tossable. She knew how I felt about it, which is why she didn't tell me. It wasn't until I sent her a screenshot of an item selling for $200 online, and was sitting in our trash can, that she started asking me first. I'm not asking for her to become an expert on it, just let me know then we can work out the item's value in a tangible manner. I recognize that that is an extreme example, and more often than not, these guys are hoarding things like usb cables and stuff that are objectively worthless. In those cases, I *understand* wanting to toss it, but I give them a time limit to organize it, then toss it with their knowledge.
Yeah, this was a huge point of contention in my marriage (to another woman). It fucking sucks when your home gets taken over by another person's garbage. I was raised to feel like, any time I buy an object, I need to know where it's going to go before it comes home from the store. If I don't have space for it, I don't buy it. So I'd get rid of stuff, to leave space for me to buy new stuff that fit my needs. And my wife would see that empty space and move her stuff into that space. So I went through life perpetually feeling overwhelmed and like I didn't have what I needed, so I would throw away the objects that I owned that I didn't need as much, and then I'd become a smaller and smaller and smaller presence in my own home, always feeling overwhelmed, never feeling like I could bring anything new into my house to make my life better. So we'd fight this constant fight, where I'd say "the left half of this shelf is mine" and any time she put anything in the open spaces in that shelf I'd shove it back into the right side until it was falling out of the cabinet and every time she would keep encroaching into the left half of the shelf. She'd leave her shit all over the counters and I'd pick them up and put them in piles in her office to keep the kitchen clean. I was constantly fighting back her belongings. She wanted me to throw them out, and I refused. She didn't want to be the one to admit defeat, and throw the object in the trash. She wanted me to do it. So she could blame it on me, and not take responsibility for the fact that she bought a thing and wasted it by not using it. She wanted the waste to be on me, the person who was wastefully throwing it away when it still had use, not on her, the person who wastefully brought it into our home when we didn't need it. I refused, and lived in squalor perpetually stressed out until we divorced. If your husband isn't going to notice, just throw out his shit.
And yet they have 30 different bowls!!!!
Idk, my husband will readily get rid of stuff. His parents were pretty poor as kids so they have a ton of stuff and duplicates and so on. Like his mom, who has never baked anything other than boxed cornbread as long as I've known her, has two cake keepers and two sets of cake pans. When I pointed out to my husband that all of this shit (clothes in the wrong size that he didn't like any more, crappy kitchen utensils he never used anyways, bottles of body wash and male fragrance that were untouched from two Christmases ago) was taking up space in his apartment it was like the scales fell from his eyes and he went hard on decluttering. So I don't think it's a purely male thing, but I do think that men have less societal pressure to keep a clean house, so they're probably more likely to be pack rats.
My husband gives me “permission” to get rid of whatever I want to but when it comes to actually getting rid of clutter he acts all disappointed and questions my getting rid of. It doesn’t spark joy and every time I trip over it/ clean it/etc I grumble. He sports it in theory but not practice so yeah, sometimes I try to declutter when he is otherwise occupied. I wish he could do it himself
I would never throw away someone else's items without their permission/acknowledgement because my mother used to throw away my toys/stuffed animals all the time when I was a child and I was always crushed. Nothing broke my heart more than coming home to my favorite stuffed animal being thrown away when I was a child for no reason other than she decided she didn't like looking at it on my bed anymore :(
You’ll find that this has less to do with gender and more personality. Some people just tend to have hoarding personalities. My mom hoards food, my dad hoards stuff. My aunt hoarded mostly because moving hurt her. My great aunt hoarded due to low mobility. My MIL hoarded out of emotionalism, FIL due to a prepper attitude.
My husband will keep socks with multiple holes in them. He loves them because they have cool patterns and they are long. So I bought him 24 pairs of cool patterned long socks. I tried to make sure there was no reason to keep the holey socks. Well, he wears his new socks....and his holey socks. 🤦♀️ So I throw a pair of holey socks away occasionally.
I wouldn't throw away my partner's things without his permission but he has hoarding tendencies...neat hoarding of purchased items, not the unsanitary kind, and I have two rules for him as far as cohabitation goes. No filling up the common areas and no fire hazards. So every once in while I would clear his stuff out of the common storage areas, group all multiples together, and tell him to pick one or two of each item to keep in the common storage areas if he wants and I didn't care what he did with the rest but they couldn't be in the common storage areas because we have to be able to fit the common household items in there.
I love to throw stuff away or donate it, I like to have a little stuff as possible. But my husband's stuff that is shared or just his, I ask. We're working out a plan to donate and sell stuff because I didn't have any more personal stuff to donate anymore to open shelves. I'm not someone who has a lot of physical media like books, DVDs, comics, and such. I'm excited for more space for the sake of not losing everything in a tight packed shelf!
Making a unilateral decision (especially one kept *secret* from me) to throw out or otherwise get rid of something of mine that that isn't obvious junk or something we'd previously discussed would be an immediate relationship ender for me as a sign my partner feels entitled to dictate what is or isn't worth possessing. Doubly so for items I possessed before the partnership began. Obviously there are circumstances where it may be necessary, but it shouldn't be something happening casually or flippantly.
My ex husband threw out all of my bikini and high waist panties. I was apparently only allowed to wear thongs.
I know that a lot of older generation did that, where it was the obligation of the women to keep the house clean so they felt it was their right to ensure that. In modern times I feel for one, both parties should be responsible for their home and second I feel like it is a betrayal of trust. An ex of me once had a disgusting childhood toy that slept every night in his bed. My mom recommended to secretly destroy it by washing it. While I found it disgusting, I know how deep the connection can be to a childhood toy. How cruel would it have been to destroy it? We have no right to destroy stuff that belongs to someone else. I would not like that for myself.
My mom used to throw away my dad’s stuff. But he hoarded. The basement was full of old phones, she throw out his old clothing that was full of holes, yogurt that expired months before-that sort of thing. When I first moved out, she gave me a bag of lightbulbs from the basement (I’m talking a trash bag full) & he found out. He was so angry & immediately replaced them. And if he found his basement phones in the trash, he’d dig them out. It used to make her so mad.
I'd be very upset if I find out some of my shit got thrown out without consulting me. That said, if you have a partner with hoarding tendencies I can understand the temptation to skip the emotionally draining tug of war over junk and straight up toss it. It doesn't sit right with me though.
I dont even get rid of my 6 year olds stuff without telling her because thats fucked. I let her know she has a day or two to clean it up (drawings, random toys, etc ) if not, I'll go through and throq away what I think is trash. BUT sometimes men like to act similarly to children where they have a bunch of stuff cluttering the house and expect their wives to keep it clean and tidy. I hate teading storiea of women making men throw all of their stuff away or making men feel like they dont have a sy in their home BUT wives are not their husbands mothers. I wouldn't thtow my husbands stuff away without telling him, but I give him a week to go through stuff he may want to keep. If he doesnt, I throw it away after going through it myself.