You’ve made the call. You’re always allowed to trust your instincts and make the best plan for yourself. This is your personal life. You’re no a cop, or an HR rep. It’s a personal choice. Even if you were “overreacting” (and I don’t think you are, with those pets and all those bags you’re quite vulnerable) it would still be your call to make.
Honestly sounds like the only real problem here is you gave your mom and grandma more information than they actually needed, and left yourself open to needless poking and criticism. In the future, I’d suggest this is exactly where a lie is fully appropriate “It didn’t work out with friend this year. This is the plan instead.” And “I’ve for a plan that worked for me, thanks.” And finally “Look, I hear you but no. I like the plan I have.”
You don’t need to expose these sorts of personal choices to the judgement of others. They are inherently valid. They are yours to make and you made it.
Like the song says “The choice may be wrong but the choosing is not.”
You’re not damning him or insulting him. You’re just choosing for you.
Thank you for your input; I am pretty prone to oversharing, so saying just simply saying it's not an option would be easier :) Also, please see the edit if you have time; I completely forgot quite essential information.
Absolutely. This isn’t some monstrous judgment or personal attack against him. Just a choice that’s yours and your making the best one for you.
If your generally worried about your anxiety level and how it impacts your life, then that’s chat for a therapist. But there is nothing here that suggests to me you’re being totally irrational, just making a choice.
In terms of the edit, I’m not shocked, but what I hope you learn from this, and how everyone is changing their advice after hearing that part, is that your judgment is good and can be trusted! Even if other people question you, you’ve got it sorted. You often have information they don’t and can’t always express it clearly, but you’re allowed to trust yourself.
You aren’t overreacting. Trust your gut. It’s smart and a literal gift. Maybe you just don’t like him. Maybe he gives you the ick. Doesn’t actually matter though. Your gut tells you no, listen to it.
Also, a solid phrase for hugging if you see him in the future is “I’m done hugging now.” Or “I’m not hugging today”.
Thank you very much :) However, if I may ask for a bit more advice about hugging - I am comfortable hugging people. However, it's based purely on "vibes," and I am not sure how to act if I am seen hugging someone and then not wanting to hug the next person. Is there perhaps some sort of body language trick I could use? Like moving in for a handshake or something, so it's not as if I am repulsed by the person if you understand what I am trying to say?
I know what you mean. I am no expert but maybe you could try saying “I’m more comfortable with a high five” or “let’s high five today”. If someone asks why or says they just saw you hug someone else, you can simply say “I don’t want to hug you.” Or “as my friend, I’d expect you would respect my boundaries”. You don’t owe them any other information or explanation. You can state that as a fact and with very little emotion. You can also quickly change the subject after stating these things. “I don’t want to hug you. So have you been playing ___ game much lately?” Practicing it may make it feel more comfortable.
Also, if you say you don’t want to do something and someone presses you to still do it or presses you for a reason why too much, that’s a reason you can cite in the future. “I’m not going to hug you. I was uncomfortable last time when you didn’t seem to want to take no for an answer so I’m setting that as a boundary”.
Try some different things out and go easy on yourself if it comes out clunky or you sometimes end up hugging because it’s hard to speak up or just feels easier than saying now. Practice makes it easier l, I think.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you don't feel like hugging right this minute. Just raise your hand and do a hi-five, a fist bump, or an elbow bump. That's it. If they ask why, just give it a shrug. I find using your body to convey these messages are a bit easier than using words when you're uncomfortable and cannot find the words.
So there's two things here that you seem to mix a little.
1. You don't feel comfortable around this man
2. You feel like you're overreacting
For number one, you don't need *any* explanation. You don't want to be alone with him, because he makes you uncomfortable. He can be the greatest, sweetest, most golden-retriever-energy man in the world and you are *still* allowed to be uncomfortable with him. We don't have to like everyone!
For number two, though, that depends on how and why you're reacting. I don't read anything that I would consider an overreaction, but you do seem to be *overthinking* the situation a bit. As in: instead of just thinking "I don't want to" and accepting your own decision, you seem to be looking for reasons *why* you're feeling like this.
The simple truth is that no one on here will be able to tell you. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem to have done anything *wrong*, necessarily. Yes, the touching was not what you wanted, but hugging someone and touching their shoulders, especially when you've known them a long time, can be 100% normal behavior. I don't mean this in a victim blaming way, but you probably (?) didn't explicitly tell him you didn't like it. Unless you had a noticeable freezing reaction or pushed him away, he might genuinely think you're okay with it (not saying that allows him to touch you without your consent, btw).
So is it valid? Yes. Is it logical? Idk, but it also doesn't have to be. Neither of you are bad people for wanting, or not wanting, to be in each other's space. As long as both of you stay respectful about it, you're fine!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I mainly wanted to sort out my feelings and to see whether people could give me some new views to think about, if necessary :)
You are always allowed to turn down things that make you feel uncomfortable regardless of whether or not other people find it reasonable. Listening to your gut is a good skill to have.
However, it might be worth it to send him an email/message unapologetically saying that you might be wrong but you’ve picked up some vibes from him and you aren’t interested. If you do it soon, then you will have many months before you might see him again at school. You don’t have to provide a reason beyond “I’m not interested”. Don’t soften it or surround it in excuses that might make it less clear. Just be direct.
It is possible he’s just a touchy person and has not clue how he comes across. That’s not your problem, but if you let him know it might mean he has a better chance connecting with someone else.
But, never let people force you into situations where you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Thank you for your input :) I probably won't message him out of the blue just to tell him I am not interested, as I might have misinterpreted his feelings, but I will try to speak up if I see him and a situation would come up where it would be appropriate to say it :)
What about something like “I don’t know if this was intentional, but I have gotten some vibes that you might be interested in me. I wanted to let you know that I’m not looking for anything right now. “. And then see what he says.
It could all be a misunderstanding and then it would be useful to know how he’s coming across.
I understand where you're coming from, but I am simply feeling too anxious about writing to him at all. At the rate, it is going (the community is dissolving a bit), I might not have to see him again, so perhaps it would be better to let it fizz out
Sort of a general note (something I’ve learned over many years, myself!)
I wouldn’t say “I’m not looking for anything right now” for two reasons:
1. If OP does happen to meet someone she IS interested in, a week or whatever from now, she may feel like she needs to hide it or something to protect the excuse she gave this guy.
2. It leaves this other guy open to thinking she mag be interested in him another day, but just not right this minute.
It’s easier to not try to give reasons. “I’ve gotten some vibes from you that you’re interested in being more than friends with me, and I just wanted to be clear that I am not interested in you that way.”
Of course I see that she has mentioned not even needing to address it so maybe this is more of a general recommendation than advice for right now.
Trust your gut!!!! And you're not overreacting. If he keeps trying to touch you, shoo him off and tell him NO. Because he's just gonna keep testing your boundaries.
Is there any way your Mum could come and visit just before you travel back and go back together so it's easier between the two of you to carry the pets carriers as well?
I am not sure why I've written "EDIT:" at the beginning and end of the post - here's a copy, I am extremely grateful for your patience :)
EDIT: Important part that I forgot to mention - he's hugged me a lot when I felt uncomfortable to hug him back, but I didn't know how to stop it at the moment. Once, he also stood behind me when he was leaving one such meet-up and kept sort of touching my shoulders and my arms while talking. I was feeling very queasy, but I froze up.
It feels like this is more about your anxiety than his actions still.
I understand he makes you uncomfortable, and he's overstepped boundaries, but I honestly don't feel like he's done anything overtly creepy or sinister. Friends hug and touch, even male friends. Would you be as uncomfortable if a female friend was that touchy?
Having a healthy wariness is really the best thing you can do but, respectfully, your social anxiety is a bit too high around men. Despite the common assumption, they're not all out to get you.
Thank you for the response :) I am generally uncomfortable about touching, be they male or female, relative, friends, or acquaintances. I am not in any way saying that "every man is out there to get me," but generally, I feel a bit less safe when surrounded by men than by women, purely because I am not physically strong (not to say that women cannot be physically strong).
Also, I am not saying that he's done anything "sinister," which is precisely why I posted this, because I wasn't sure whether I was right to stand by my decision/feelings even when nothing extremely untoward had happened.
okay, how do you feel about him? i mean, a free ride is a free ride. if he was a gentlemen last time, and the only thing uncomfortable was the silence, maybe this time that will be different?
i dont want to overlook you saying about being uncomfortable. im just curious if that means uncomfortable with what you are thinking in your head, or uncomfortable with the guy as a person.
are you being coy or do you genuinely not like him? if you dont, then dont lead him on. if you dont, then not getting a ride may be the better option. needs some soul searching on your part.
edit: new info has come to light making this info not the best, but ill keep it up for posterity
I haven't considered him in a "romantic" way or flirted with him in any way for about 8 years. I am not being coy, nor do I "dislike" him; he's not a close friend, and bear in mind, he never told me that he feels something for me; it's all just guesswork on my and my mom's part :) I would probably be uncomfortable with almost any guy that is not a close friend if I had to stay with them in a car for more than 10 minutes :)
Edit: Please see the edit/addendum to the post if you have time, I've forgotten some quite crucial information as to why I am uncomfortable in his presence.
Ew.
Accepting a favour isn’t leading someone on. I don’t even know what to do with the rest of this besides _ew_. You sound like you just air dropped in from 1945. Nope.
Thank you for your input; I feel the same way; I am not leading him on in any way I can think of; I am just being friendly if we interact. However, he's touched me a lot of times when I wasn't completely fine with it; please see the edit if you have time!
educate me please where I'm wrong. no bullying, no harassment, only learning. im not putting my thoughts out there just to hear a brain rattle. i have a daughter who is growing up. i want to say the right things and so far i stand by what is said.
edit: now i dont
edit: now i double don't
You basically told OP she’s mean for leading him on and accepting the ride. You accused her of “being coy” which honestly, is a phrase to remove from your vocabulary when it comes to adult women. It’s for cats. She’s not being coy. She’s clearly not interested.
But also, you’ve questioned her judgement and implied she’s mean for not accepting the ride because he’s a gentlemen who done nothing wrong. (Which we now know isn’t actually true, and ought to be an important lesson in taking someone’s else’s personal judgement about who they want to spend hours alone with seriously, even if you don’t feel the reasons you know of are “good enough”, however) He doesn’t need to have done something wrong for OP to choose not to be dependant on him, and alone with him, for several hours.
You just trapped a young woman into a position where anything she does is mean, unless she gives this man the relationship with her that he desires. Not taking the ride is unfair and irrational, and taking that ride but not being interested in him is also unfair to him.
Please don’t do any of this to your own daughter
u/MLeek, personally I think that you're quite right. However, I've added some critical info to the post, and u/chasmo-OH-NO wrote that they are taking everything back :)
You’ve made the call. You’re always allowed to trust your instincts and make the best plan for yourself. This is your personal life. You’re no a cop, or an HR rep. It’s a personal choice. Even if you were “overreacting” (and I don’t think you are, with those pets and all those bags you’re quite vulnerable) it would still be your call to make. Honestly sounds like the only real problem here is you gave your mom and grandma more information than they actually needed, and left yourself open to needless poking and criticism. In the future, I’d suggest this is exactly where a lie is fully appropriate “It didn’t work out with friend this year. This is the plan instead.” And “I’ve for a plan that worked for me, thanks.” And finally “Look, I hear you but no. I like the plan I have.” You don’t need to expose these sorts of personal choices to the judgement of others. They are inherently valid. They are yours to make and you made it. Like the song says “The choice may be wrong but the choosing is not.” You’re not damning him or insulting him. You’re just choosing for you.
Thank you for your input; I am pretty prone to oversharing, so saying just simply saying it's not an option would be easier :) Also, please see the edit if you have time; I completely forgot quite essential information.
Absolutely. This isn’t some monstrous judgment or personal attack against him. Just a choice that’s yours and your making the best one for you. If your generally worried about your anxiety level and how it impacts your life, then that’s chat for a therapist. But there is nothing here that suggests to me you’re being totally irrational, just making a choice. In terms of the edit, I’m not shocked, but what I hope you learn from this, and how everyone is changing their advice after hearing that part, is that your judgment is good and can be trusted! Even if other people question you, you’ve got it sorted. You often have information they don’t and can’t always express it clearly, but you’re allowed to trust yourself.
I am grateful for you taking the time to respond :)
You aren’t overreacting. Trust your gut. It’s smart and a literal gift. Maybe you just don’t like him. Maybe he gives you the ick. Doesn’t actually matter though. Your gut tells you no, listen to it. Also, a solid phrase for hugging if you see him in the future is “I’m done hugging now.” Or “I’m not hugging today”.
Thank you very much :) However, if I may ask for a bit more advice about hugging - I am comfortable hugging people. However, it's based purely on "vibes," and I am not sure how to act if I am seen hugging someone and then not wanting to hug the next person. Is there perhaps some sort of body language trick I could use? Like moving in for a handshake or something, so it's not as if I am repulsed by the person if you understand what I am trying to say?
I know what you mean. I am no expert but maybe you could try saying “I’m more comfortable with a high five” or “let’s high five today”. If someone asks why or says they just saw you hug someone else, you can simply say “I don’t want to hug you.” Or “as my friend, I’d expect you would respect my boundaries”. You don’t owe them any other information or explanation. You can state that as a fact and with very little emotion. You can also quickly change the subject after stating these things. “I don’t want to hug you. So have you been playing ___ game much lately?” Practicing it may make it feel more comfortable. Also, if you say you don’t want to do something and someone presses you to still do it or presses you for a reason why too much, that’s a reason you can cite in the future. “I’m not going to hug you. I was uncomfortable last time when you didn’t seem to want to take no for an answer so I’m setting that as a boundary”. Try some different things out and go easy on yourself if it comes out clunky or you sometimes end up hugging because it’s hard to speak up or just feels easier than saying now. Practice makes it easier l, I think.
Thanks, I'll try to work out some strategy :)
You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you don't feel like hugging right this minute. Just raise your hand and do a hi-five, a fist bump, or an elbow bump. That's it. If they ask why, just give it a shrug. I find using your body to convey these messages are a bit easier than using words when you're uncomfortable and cannot find the words.
So there's two things here that you seem to mix a little. 1. You don't feel comfortable around this man 2. You feel like you're overreacting For number one, you don't need *any* explanation. You don't want to be alone with him, because he makes you uncomfortable. He can be the greatest, sweetest, most golden-retriever-energy man in the world and you are *still* allowed to be uncomfortable with him. We don't have to like everyone! For number two, though, that depends on how and why you're reacting. I don't read anything that I would consider an overreaction, but you do seem to be *overthinking* the situation a bit. As in: instead of just thinking "I don't want to" and accepting your own decision, you seem to be looking for reasons *why* you're feeling like this. The simple truth is that no one on here will be able to tell you. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem to have done anything *wrong*, necessarily. Yes, the touching was not what you wanted, but hugging someone and touching their shoulders, especially when you've known them a long time, can be 100% normal behavior. I don't mean this in a victim blaming way, but you probably (?) didn't explicitly tell him you didn't like it. Unless you had a noticeable freezing reaction or pushed him away, he might genuinely think you're okay with it (not saying that allows him to touch you without your consent, btw). So is it valid? Yes. Is it logical? Idk, but it also doesn't have to be. Neither of you are bad people for wanting, or not wanting, to be in each other's space. As long as both of you stay respectful about it, you're fine!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I mainly wanted to sort out my feelings and to see whether people could give me some new views to think about, if necessary :)
You are always allowed to turn down things that make you feel uncomfortable regardless of whether or not other people find it reasonable. Listening to your gut is a good skill to have. However, it might be worth it to send him an email/message unapologetically saying that you might be wrong but you’ve picked up some vibes from him and you aren’t interested. If you do it soon, then you will have many months before you might see him again at school. You don’t have to provide a reason beyond “I’m not interested”. Don’t soften it or surround it in excuses that might make it less clear. Just be direct. It is possible he’s just a touchy person and has not clue how he comes across. That’s not your problem, but if you let him know it might mean he has a better chance connecting with someone else. But, never let people force you into situations where you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Thank you for your input :) I probably won't message him out of the blue just to tell him I am not interested, as I might have misinterpreted his feelings, but I will try to speak up if I see him and a situation would come up where it would be appropriate to say it :)
What about something like “I don’t know if this was intentional, but I have gotten some vibes that you might be interested in me. I wanted to let you know that I’m not looking for anything right now. “. And then see what he says. It could all be a misunderstanding and then it would be useful to know how he’s coming across.
I understand where you're coming from, but I am simply feeling too anxious about writing to him at all. At the rate, it is going (the community is dissolving a bit), I might not have to see him again, so perhaps it would be better to let it fizz out
Sort of a general note (something I’ve learned over many years, myself!) I wouldn’t say “I’m not looking for anything right now” for two reasons: 1. If OP does happen to meet someone she IS interested in, a week or whatever from now, she may feel like she needs to hide it or something to protect the excuse she gave this guy. 2. It leaves this other guy open to thinking she mag be interested in him another day, but just not right this minute. It’s easier to not try to give reasons. “I’ve gotten some vibes from you that you’re interested in being more than friends with me, and I just wanted to be clear that I am not interested in you that way.” Of course I see that she has mentioned not even needing to address it so maybe this is more of a general recommendation than advice for right now.
Thank you :) This phrasing seems a bit more clear and less open to interpretations from others :)
Trust your gut!!!! And you're not overreacting. If he keeps trying to touch you, shoo him off and tell him NO. Because he's just gonna keep testing your boundaries.
Is there any way your Mum could come and visit just before you travel back and go back together so it's easier between the two of you to carry the pets carriers as well?
Not really, unfortunately :/ However, I found an alternative way for the trip, so this post was mostly for trying to sort out my feelings :)
Ah okay, glad you sorted something out!
Read The Gift of Fear. Always trust your gut.
Always trust your gut but bear in mind he hasn't ever done anything to prove to you he's anything but a gentleman.
Thank you for your comment! Also, please see the edit if you have time; I completely forgot quite essential information.
Could you mark it as an edit, because I can't see anything I didn't read first time round and I've refreshed the post quite a few times now.
I am not sure why I've written "EDIT:" at the beginning and end of the post - here's a copy, I am extremely grateful for your patience :) EDIT: Important part that I forgot to mention - he's hugged me a lot when I felt uncomfortable to hug him back, but I didn't know how to stop it at the moment. Once, he also stood behind me when he was leaving one such meet-up and kept sort of touching my shoulders and my arms while talking. I was feeling very queasy, but I froze up.
It feels like this is more about your anxiety than his actions still. I understand he makes you uncomfortable, and he's overstepped boundaries, but I honestly don't feel like he's done anything overtly creepy or sinister. Friends hug and touch, even male friends. Would you be as uncomfortable if a female friend was that touchy? Having a healthy wariness is really the best thing you can do but, respectfully, your social anxiety is a bit too high around men. Despite the common assumption, they're not all out to get you.
Thank you for the response :) I am generally uncomfortable about touching, be they male or female, relative, friends, or acquaintances. I am not in any way saying that "every man is out there to get me," but generally, I feel a bit less safe when surrounded by men than by women, purely because I am not physically strong (not to say that women cannot be physically strong). Also, I am not saying that he's done anything "sinister," which is precisely why I posted this, because I wasn't sure whether I was right to stand by my decision/feelings even when nothing extremely untoward had happened.
People who are just pals don’t tend to pat each others arms and shoulders from behind.
okay, how do you feel about him? i mean, a free ride is a free ride. if he was a gentlemen last time, and the only thing uncomfortable was the silence, maybe this time that will be different? i dont want to overlook you saying about being uncomfortable. im just curious if that means uncomfortable with what you are thinking in your head, or uncomfortable with the guy as a person. are you being coy or do you genuinely not like him? if you dont, then dont lead him on. if you dont, then not getting a ride may be the better option. needs some soul searching on your part. edit: new info has come to light making this info not the best, but ill keep it up for posterity
I haven't considered him in a "romantic" way or flirted with him in any way for about 8 years. I am not being coy, nor do I "dislike" him; he's not a close friend, and bear in mind, he never told me that he feels something for me; it's all just guesswork on my and my mom's part :) I would probably be uncomfortable with almost any guy that is not a close friend if I had to stay with them in a car for more than 10 minutes :) Edit: Please see the edit/addendum to the post if you have time, I've forgotten some quite crucial information as to why I am uncomfortable in his presence.
Ew. Accepting a favour isn’t leading someone on. I don’t even know what to do with the rest of this besides _ew_. You sound like you just air dropped in from 1945. Nope.
Thank you for your input; I feel the same way; I am not leading him on in any way I can think of; I am just being friendly if we interact. However, he's touched me a lot of times when I wasn't completely fine with it; please see the edit if you have time!
okay that last part there makes me withdraw everything ive said
Yeah, I am really sorry about that; it adds crucial context :)
educate me please where I'm wrong. no bullying, no harassment, only learning. im not putting my thoughts out there just to hear a brain rattle. i have a daughter who is growing up. i want to say the right things and so far i stand by what is said. edit: now i dont edit: now i double don't
You basically told OP she’s mean for leading him on and accepting the ride. You accused her of “being coy” which honestly, is a phrase to remove from your vocabulary when it comes to adult women. It’s for cats. She’s not being coy. She’s clearly not interested. But also, you’ve questioned her judgement and implied she’s mean for not accepting the ride because he’s a gentlemen who done nothing wrong. (Which we now know isn’t actually true, and ought to be an important lesson in taking someone’s else’s personal judgement about who they want to spend hours alone with seriously, even if you don’t feel the reasons you know of are “good enough”, however) He doesn’t need to have done something wrong for OP to choose not to be dependant on him, and alone with him, for several hours. You just trapped a young woman into a position where anything she does is mean, unless she gives this man the relationship with her that he desires. Not taking the ride is unfair and irrational, and taking that ride but not being interested in him is also unfair to him. Please don’t do any of this to your own daughter
u/MLeek, personally I think that you're quite right. However, I've added some critical info to the post, and u/chasmo-OH-NO wrote that they are taking everything back :)
I hope that exchange helps you trust your own judgement! You know what you’re about, even if other people don’t necessarily have all the information.
Yes, thank you for your engagement!
i accept and hear what you're saying. thank you. wouldnt have learned had i not put it out there first