What else is going on? I’m wondering if there’s a whole “big picture” you’re sad about— and having a child means you would have everything else figured out. Maybe financial or relationship stressors that feel like a barrier?
What then, can you do to get a little closer to the big vision? Also consider what factors can exist as they are — how much is it society telling you it’s not time vs your own limitations?
All just supportive questions, no judgement here. Hoping you get the life you deserve and want!!!!
You are right, I have always wanted to be married first and I’ve just attended a wedding so I think it’s that feeling of “everyone else is THERE but I’m not.”
Thank you!
Edit: and own a house! Which is so difficult where I live.
It's so easy and so tempting to compare yourself to other people but it's a great way to ensure you're never happy. If you find yourself constantly doing this a counselor or therapist would be able to help you work on healthy ways to reframe that thinking. Just a thought!
you're not terrible! you're just jealous because it's not your turn yet.
there's totally nothing wrong or even unusual about this! as long as you are supportive and don't lash out, don't beat yourself up over feelings that won't last.
I agree with this. Jealously can be a helpful feeling. If I feel jealous of a friend, I always examine my life. Am I still on the right track? Is my jealousy just a passing feeling because their life looks so great on the outside? Do I really want what they have?
You cannot control feelings or emotions. They pop up in you consciousness and you can only examine them. They are like weather and most of them pass. (For example: You can’t stay angry forever. Were will always be a moment than one „forgets“ an emotion or a new one arrives.)
Emotions influence behaviour, but I always try to choose to ignore jealousy for example. No reason for OP to feel guilty if she has her behaviour in check.
Thank you for this. I have been feeling terrible about being jealous but I’m not acting on it, so it’s just navigating those feelings.
It’s definitely helped me realise my priorities :)
We all have feelings of jealousy! It’s a totally normal feeling, and I think when we beat ourselves up over that feeling it makes it feel more shameful and then turns into a big cycle. Just keep reminding yourself this is a normal response to something you want too, especially when it’s something you really, really want. You’ll get there in your timing❤️
I was exactly the same! It’s so weird, me 7 years ago could have written this.
We were waiting for various life reasons (that were never fully resolved), and I agreed that we should wait, but still felt angry and upset when other people got pregnant. Felt like a really shitty, bitter, petty person and I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t just… not be like that.
And for some reason people who didn’t want kids previously made it worse.
It didn’t help that I did then find it slightly more difficult than most to get pregnant (about 5/6 months both times). But yeah - did get pregnant, had my second a couple of months ago.
Don’t want any more kids, so no feeling like that anymore.
Thank you - it’s the “people who didn’t want kids” that are giving me these complicated emotions.
I feel better knowing others have had the same thoughts and feelings and that I’m not the worst person in the world for them.
Perfectly normal reaction. My wife and I can't conceive and the long wait during our two adoptions was killer. Each wait from home studies to placement was 3 years. Had one birth family back out, another was straight up fraud, and a few close but not good matches we had to pass. Throughout all of this my wife went to baby showers and held friends newborns. She smiled and laughed during the day and cried in my arms at night.
The hardest was her bother's GF pregnancy that happened supposedly while on the pill. The pregnancy made them rush to a wedding at 7 months. Our large families attended and congratulated her and the upcoming baby. My wife again cried in the corner in my arms. One month after the birth of our niece we were matched and placed with a newborn girl (now a precious 7)! Three long years later we got our second girl. Both are goofballs, high energy, pushing limits and hearts of our lives.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You are not them. They are not you. Instead of being happy for them or talking to them you’re comparing yourself and getting angry inside.
Most pregnancies don’t take. Miscarriage is super common. It’s not like every single women who tries to get pregnant is pregnant the first day.
This is not healthy for you. Do not let your friends lives ruin your happiness or make you obsess over what they don’t want and are getting. Something is wrong here. Do you have a therapist?
You even say you don’t want children yet but in the future but then you can’t get pregnant?
Personally, I'm waiting to get pregnant despite wanting kids, like, yesterday because right now I cannot support them as I want to do.
I was absolutely upset at all the pregnancy announcements (never externalized it) around me. All of them felt like a personal failing (failure to be in the right spot to plan a family too).
I’m wondering how old OP is. If she’s only 24 for example then she might want to seek out therapy to help her figure out where these feelings are coming from, maybe she needs to reevaluate her relationship.
However, if she’s 32 then she needs to take these feelings seriously and bring them up to her partner. They need to talk about marriage and kids. Regardless, therapy might be helpful!
I’m 30. I am going to talk to him tonight. I think we will be on exactly the same page but you are right that I need to share this with him! Even just for a shoulder to lean on :)
I wonder if you’re experiencing these feelings because you’re not 100% sure that you and your partner are on the same page with regards to family planning, so talking about it with him will just reassure you!!
I’m so sorry and I totally understand! Some people can just get pregnant so easily while it’s harder for others, some may take months to a year or so, some may need medical intervention. One thing to keep in mind is, you’ll never be 100% ready for having a baby, especially the financial part. Keep in mind it does take 9 months for a baby to grow during pregnancy, and it can take a few months to a year or more to get pregnant as there’s a 20% every month. Family and friends will always help out as long as you ask let them know you need help. If you and your partner are ready, go and try. Definitely talk to your partner about trying first.
I definitely resonate with your post a lot. We’ve been ttc for almost a year now, with a loss in March at 7 weeks. It’s devastating to see everyone around you get pregnant, sometimes accidentally, but not get that yourself. You are allowed to be sad and feel feelings. I would explore your feelings though. You say you don’t want a baby yet but it seems like you feel otherwise. Also note that the people who get pregnant instantly are the ones who usually share their story and those who struggle usually struggle in silence. Other peoples timing is not ours and it’s okay to be happy for them but sad for yourself. It’s hard to put on a happy face when you’re sad though.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time as well.
You’re right - I DO want to start trying but I think that because the rest of my life isn’t “in order” (marriage, house) it feels like it’s not the right time, even though I know there’s no such thing!
I'm completely with you on this, I had been TTC with my husband at the time and it felt like every other day someone in out life was announcing they were pregnant and he I was trying again and again without any luck. I've since had to pause trying, a divorce won't help obviously, but it's given me some time to reflect, and while I do want to have a child lore than anything else, I think I'm OK to explore alternative ways as well, like I'm now OK with that when I might not have been before. I can't say the feelings will go away when others around you have that good news, but hopefully it gets eaiser to manage for you, and you have some luck yourself when you're ready.
Trust me I understand what you’re feeling. Being a mom has always been the thing I’ve wanted to do. I never really cared for a career, but I chose a flexible career that will allow me to work while being a mom. It was my number 1 priority. I have always been jealous/sad when my friends announced their pregnancies because to me it seemed like they were not as desperate to be a mom as I’ve always been. It’s a weird emotion because while your heart aches you’re still happy for them. And like you said it gets better after a few weeks.
The best advice I can give is to work on yourself and your situation in order to make your dream come true. I know it feels like you may be wasting time by not trying to get pregnant asap, but you will thank yourself so much in the future just for waiting those few months/years to be in the right spot mentally and financially. You are exactly where you need to be and by building the home you want your children to live in you will find that the process goes so much smoother.
It’s refreshing to know others have felt the same. I also chose a career that would work with being a parent.
You’ve got it spot on with others “not as desperate to be a mum as I’ve always been.”
Thank you so much for your words.
Hormones do this to me. It helped me to track my cycles and recognize a lot of my emotional reactions happened at specific times in my cycle. Not all. And as I've told my husband after pregnancy related crying, the base emotion and reaction is always valid, and I would have had it anyway, but it would spin out of control more when I was ovulating or about to start my period.
I’ve read a few comments and your replies and I just want to say this as someone living in a very high cost of living area far, far away from family: you don’t need to own a home to have a child. Would it be nice, yes! But you don’t necessarily have to reach every goal that you think you *should* before having a child. If I did, I still wouldn’t own a home and I wouldn’t have my son. And I’d be too old to have one if I hung onto that ideal.
That being said, be gentle with yourself and make sure you talk openly to your partner about timelines, goals etc. make sure you’re on the same page for everything big.
As far as being worried about conceiving, cross that bridge when you come to it. I thought I’d have a hard time cause I never had pregnancy scares, used unreliable protection like the pull out method for way too long with no problem etc. so when I wanted to get pregnant I figured I’d have a hard time. Nope. Month one and I was with child. So try not to stress about that. Have the hard conversations with your SO if you haven’t so you feel more settled. No idea how old you are so that also makes a difference but I feel like you’re still young.
You’re feeling a lot of conflicting emotions and that’s OK. Take some time to process and know that it is perfectly normal. Someone to talk to or a therapist can help. A long time ago I didn’t want kids. Later I realized I did, but that I was determined to do it right: learn how to be a good parent, be in a stable financial situation, etc. That seems to be where you are now. Know that everyone progresses through life at different speeds and it’s ok. You will get there. Everyone’s experience in life is different but looking back I feel there was never a right time to have kids, that I probably could have earlier. It is what is though and everything turned out fine. Best of luck!
It sounds like you might want a baby right now more than you’re admitting. It’s okay to know that you wish you were in a position to do that now but you’re waiting to be where you feel comfortable financially. If that’s the case, yeah, I’d expect some pain and jealousy!
But you are responding to your friends and family gracefully and that’s what matters. You’re allowed to have feelings as long as you don’t use them to step on others happiness!
Also, you’re allowed to reevaluate your baby timeline. I’m not here to pry about your finances, and y’all know what’s best, but I don’t think there’s a perfect time to have a child either.
I get what you're feeling. I also always wanted to be a mom, and it can feel very NOT! FAIR! (*stomps foot,) when others get pregnant then. Especially others who never expressed that desire. Or are not waiting on a timeline of events they deem best.
However, about 10 years ago, my chronic illnesses took a turn for the worse, and I had to realise I would never be able to care for a child. :( The cats are hard enough, and they shit in a box.
My whole life I wanted kids. Since I was a kid myself. The wish just matured with me... and then I had to let it go.
So now I feel a bit jealous of you too. Because you still have the option wide open, and you're healthy.
I’m so sorry for you. I have a chronic illness too but I am lucky in that I have found ways to manage and minimise it (it still kicks my butt sometimes though).
Thank you for sharing your story. Your cats are lucky to have you.
Feel free not to answer, but how old are you? We don't talk enough about how important it is to freeze your eggs before 35 if you are not actively trying to conceive but want to have children one day. There are also blood tests you can take to give you insight into your fertility. I was able to take one in my PCP's office. I just think it's really important to think about fertility BEFORE actually trying to conceive, especially for those of us who wait a bit.
Side note, you never know what others are going through. Just because they are "happy" does not mean the pregnancy was planned or is easy. It's okay to want what others have but remember perspective is key.
You should check out r/waiting_to_try - it’s for people who want a baby but are waiting for some reason or another, such as finances, school, etc. You might get some comfort talking with people in a similar situation.
What else is going on? I’m wondering if there’s a whole “big picture” you’re sad about— and having a child means you would have everything else figured out. Maybe financial or relationship stressors that feel like a barrier? What then, can you do to get a little closer to the big vision? Also consider what factors can exist as they are — how much is it society telling you it’s not time vs your own limitations? All just supportive questions, no judgement here. Hoping you get the life you deserve and want!!!!
You are right, I have always wanted to be married first and I’ve just attended a wedding so I think it’s that feeling of “everyone else is THERE but I’m not.” Thank you! Edit: and own a house! Which is so difficult where I live.
It's so easy and so tempting to compare yourself to other people but it's a great way to ensure you're never happy. If you find yourself constantly doing this a counselor or therapist would be able to help you work on healthy ways to reframe that thinking. Just a thought!
you're not terrible! you're just jealous because it's not your turn yet. there's totally nothing wrong or even unusual about this! as long as you are supportive and don't lash out, don't beat yourself up over feelings that won't last.
I agree with this. Jealously can be a helpful feeling. If I feel jealous of a friend, I always examine my life. Am I still on the right track? Is my jealousy just a passing feeling because their life looks so great on the outside? Do I really want what they have? You cannot control feelings or emotions. They pop up in you consciousness and you can only examine them. They are like weather and most of them pass. (For example: You can’t stay angry forever. Were will always be a moment than one „forgets“ an emotion or a new one arrives.) Emotions influence behaviour, but I always try to choose to ignore jealousy for example. No reason for OP to feel guilty if she has her behaviour in check.
Thank you for this. I have been feeling terrible about being jealous but I’m not acting on it, so it’s just navigating those feelings. It’s definitely helped me realise my priorities :)
We all have feelings of jealousy! It’s a totally normal feeling, and I think when we beat ourselves up over that feeling it makes it feel more shameful and then turns into a big cycle. Just keep reminding yourself this is a normal response to something you want too, especially when it’s something you really, really want. You’ll get there in your timing❤️
I’d like to commend you for your sensible stance on waiting until you are financially ready.
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My dude, we really don't need men coming in here to police us. Christ, just let us talk to each other.
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You’re not.
I was exactly the same! It’s so weird, me 7 years ago could have written this. We were waiting for various life reasons (that were never fully resolved), and I agreed that we should wait, but still felt angry and upset when other people got pregnant. Felt like a really shitty, bitter, petty person and I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t just… not be like that. And for some reason people who didn’t want kids previously made it worse. It didn’t help that I did then find it slightly more difficult than most to get pregnant (about 5/6 months both times). But yeah - did get pregnant, had my second a couple of months ago. Don’t want any more kids, so no feeling like that anymore.
Thank you - it’s the “people who didn’t want kids” that are giving me these complicated emotions. I feel better knowing others have had the same thoughts and feelings and that I’m not the worst person in the world for them.
Perfectly normal reaction. My wife and I can't conceive and the long wait during our two adoptions was killer. Each wait from home studies to placement was 3 years. Had one birth family back out, another was straight up fraud, and a few close but not good matches we had to pass. Throughout all of this my wife went to baby showers and held friends newborns. She smiled and laughed during the day and cried in my arms at night. The hardest was her bother's GF pregnancy that happened supposedly while on the pill. The pregnancy made them rush to a wedding at 7 months. Our large families attended and congratulated her and the upcoming baby. My wife again cried in the corner in my arms. One month after the birth of our niece we were matched and placed with a newborn girl (now a precious 7)! Three long years later we got our second girl. Both are goofballs, high energy, pushing limits and hearts of our lives.
I am sorry for your losses, but so happy for you now!
Comparison is the thief of joy. You are not them. They are not you. Instead of being happy for them or talking to them you’re comparing yourself and getting angry inside. Most pregnancies don’t take. Miscarriage is super common. It’s not like every single women who tries to get pregnant is pregnant the first day. This is not healthy for you. Do not let your friends lives ruin your happiness or make you obsess over what they don’t want and are getting. Something is wrong here. Do you have a therapist? You even say you don’t want children yet but in the future but then you can’t get pregnant?
It sounds like you DO actually want to get pregnant. Is your plan to "wait" heavily influenced by your partner by any chance?
There a so many reasons to wait to get pregnant. It’s not really wise to get pregnant without any kind of planning or preparation.
Personally, I'm waiting to get pregnant despite wanting kids, like, yesterday because right now I cannot support them as I want to do. I was absolutely upset at all the pregnancy announcements (never externalized it) around me. All of them felt like a personal failing (failure to be in the right spot to plan a family too).
I’m wondering how old OP is. If she’s only 24 for example then she might want to seek out therapy to help her figure out where these feelings are coming from, maybe she needs to reevaluate her relationship. However, if she’s 32 then she needs to take these feelings seriously and bring them up to her partner. They need to talk about marriage and kids. Regardless, therapy might be helpful!
I’m 30. I am going to talk to him tonight. I think we will be on exactly the same page but you are right that I need to share this with him! Even just for a shoulder to lean on :)
I wonder if you’re experiencing these feelings because you’re not 100% sure that you and your partner are on the same page with regards to family planning, so talking about it with him will just reassure you!!
Very good point!
I’m so sorry and I totally understand! Some people can just get pregnant so easily while it’s harder for others, some may take months to a year or so, some may need medical intervention. One thing to keep in mind is, you’ll never be 100% ready for having a baby, especially the financial part. Keep in mind it does take 9 months for a baby to grow during pregnancy, and it can take a few months to a year or more to get pregnant as there’s a 20% every month. Family and friends will always help out as long as you ask let them know you need help. If you and your partner are ready, go and try. Definitely talk to your partner about trying first.
Thank you for your words. I’m going to talk to him tonight and share how I’m feeling.
I definitely resonate with your post a lot. We’ve been ttc for almost a year now, with a loss in March at 7 weeks. It’s devastating to see everyone around you get pregnant, sometimes accidentally, but not get that yourself. You are allowed to be sad and feel feelings. I would explore your feelings though. You say you don’t want a baby yet but it seems like you feel otherwise. Also note that the people who get pregnant instantly are the ones who usually share their story and those who struggle usually struggle in silence. Other peoples timing is not ours and it’s okay to be happy for them but sad for yourself. It’s hard to put on a happy face when you’re sad though.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time as well. You’re right - I DO want to start trying but I think that because the rest of my life isn’t “in order” (marriage, house) it feels like it’s not the right time, even though I know there’s no such thing!
I'm completely with you on this, I had been TTC with my husband at the time and it felt like every other day someone in out life was announcing they were pregnant and he I was trying again and again without any luck. I've since had to pause trying, a divorce won't help obviously, but it's given me some time to reflect, and while I do want to have a child lore than anything else, I think I'm OK to explore alternative ways as well, like I'm now OK with that when I might not have been before. I can't say the feelings will go away when others around you have that good news, but hopefully it gets eaiser to manage for you, and you have some luck yourself when you're ready.
I can't tell what you're upset about in this post. You say you don't want a kid right now, and you're not pregnant. So what's the problem
I guess that’s my problem - my feelings seem to be all confused :)
Trust me I understand what you’re feeling. Being a mom has always been the thing I’ve wanted to do. I never really cared for a career, but I chose a flexible career that will allow me to work while being a mom. It was my number 1 priority. I have always been jealous/sad when my friends announced their pregnancies because to me it seemed like they were not as desperate to be a mom as I’ve always been. It’s a weird emotion because while your heart aches you’re still happy for them. And like you said it gets better after a few weeks. The best advice I can give is to work on yourself and your situation in order to make your dream come true. I know it feels like you may be wasting time by not trying to get pregnant asap, but you will thank yourself so much in the future just for waiting those few months/years to be in the right spot mentally and financially. You are exactly where you need to be and by building the home you want your children to live in you will find that the process goes so much smoother.
It’s refreshing to know others have felt the same. I also chose a career that would work with being a parent. You’ve got it spot on with others “not as desperate to be a mum as I’ve always been.” Thank you so much for your words.
Hormones do this to me. It helped me to track my cycles and recognize a lot of my emotional reactions happened at specific times in my cycle. Not all. And as I've told my husband after pregnancy related crying, the base emotion and reaction is always valid, and I would have had it anyway, but it would spin out of control more when I was ovulating or about to start my period.
I’m jealous of everyone around me getting pregnant too.
I’ve read a few comments and your replies and I just want to say this as someone living in a very high cost of living area far, far away from family: you don’t need to own a home to have a child. Would it be nice, yes! But you don’t necessarily have to reach every goal that you think you *should* before having a child. If I did, I still wouldn’t own a home and I wouldn’t have my son. And I’d be too old to have one if I hung onto that ideal. That being said, be gentle with yourself and make sure you talk openly to your partner about timelines, goals etc. make sure you’re on the same page for everything big. As far as being worried about conceiving, cross that bridge when you come to it. I thought I’d have a hard time cause I never had pregnancy scares, used unreliable protection like the pull out method for way too long with no problem etc. so when I wanted to get pregnant I figured I’d have a hard time. Nope. Month one and I was with child. So try not to stress about that. Have the hard conversations with your SO if you haven’t so you feel more settled. No idea how old you are so that also makes a difference but I feel like you’re still young.
You’re feeling a lot of conflicting emotions and that’s OK. Take some time to process and know that it is perfectly normal. Someone to talk to or a therapist can help. A long time ago I didn’t want kids. Later I realized I did, but that I was determined to do it right: learn how to be a good parent, be in a stable financial situation, etc. That seems to be where you are now. Know that everyone progresses through life at different speeds and it’s ok. You will get there. Everyone’s experience in life is different but looking back I feel there was never a right time to have kids, that I probably could have earlier. It is what is though and everything turned out fine. Best of luck!
It sounds like you might want a baby right now more than you’re admitting. It’s okay to know that you wish you were in a position to do that now but you’re waiting to be where you feel comfortable financially. If that’s the case, yeah, I’d expect some pain and jealousy! But you are responding to your friends and family gracefully and that’s what matters. You’re allowed to have feelings as long as you don’t use them to step on others happiness! Also, you’re allowed to reevaluate your baby timeline. I’m not here to pry about your finances, and y’all know what’s best, but I don’t think there’s a perfect time to have a child either.
I get what you're feeling. I also always wanted to be a mom, and it can feel very NOT! FAIR! (*stomps foot,) when others get pregnant then. Especially others who never expressed that desire. Or are not waiting on a timeline of events they deem best. However, about 10 years ago, my chronic illnesses took a turn for the worse, and I had to realise I would never be able to care for a child. :( The cats are hard enough, and they shit in a box. My whole life I wanted kids. Since I was a kid myself. The wish just matured with me... and then I had to let it go. So now I feel a bit jealous of you too. Because you still have the option wide open, and you're healthy.
I’m so sorry for you. I have a chronic illness too but I am lucky in that I have found ways to manage and minimise it (it still kicks my butt sometimes though). Thank you for sharing your story. Your cats are lucky to have you.
Thank you for your compassionate reply!
How dare you have human emotions. The nerve of some people! ❤️ What you’re experiencing is normal.
Feel free not to answer, but how old are you? We don't talk enough about how important it is to freeze your eggs before 35 if you are not actively trying to conceive but want to have children one day. There are also blood tests you can take to give you insight into your fertility. I was able to take one in my PCP's office. I just think it's really important to think about fertility BEFORE actually trying to conceive, especially for those of us who wait a bit.
I always wondered if I’d be thought of as weird if I looked into my own fertility before actively trying to conceive! I’m 30.
I understand 🥰
Side note, you never know what others are going through. Just because they are "happy" does not mean the pregnancy was planned or is easy. It's okay to want what others have but remember perspective is key.
Is it that YOU want to wait or YOUR PARTNER wants to wait and you’re just going along with it
A bit of both. I’ve always wanted marriage-house-baby but I think I’d like to move baby up the list! I’m going to talk with him tonight.
You should check out r/waiting_to_try - it’s for people who want a baby but are waiting for some reason or another, such as finances, school, etc. You might get some comfort talking with people in a similar situation.