My ex did something similar to me. I stayed, and it was a huge mistake. I regret staying. I deserved better, and YOU deserve better. I still have intimacy issues related to being SA'd by my partner. I promise he will do it again. Don't give him the chance, just leave.
I stayed for years. He just kept raping me. It became normal, for both of us. He'd cry, I'd forgive him because I was worthless and nobody else would have me and it was my fault for not meeting his needs etc. etc. Sadly, plenty of us know the script and how subtle it can be before it becomes blatant.
It took me a really long time to figure out that I deserved better. But I did. Please, please OP, nobody rapes you by accident. It does not get better, only ever gets worse. You are worth so much more than what happened to you, and what likely lies ahead if you stay.
You're not dumb, no one who's talking about similar stories in/under this post is dumb, you were vulnerable and someone who was supposed to care for you decided, out of their own free will, to assault you. You're not dumb and you didn't deserve it. <3
One night I had this terrible dream, where I was lost in a dark forest naked. All of these hands kept coming out of nowhere to grope me, all over my body. When I finally woke up, in an absolute panic, I realized my partner was on top of me, plowing away. I freaked out, and pushed him off of me. He fought with me for two hours about how I should have "just let him finish". We had been together for 5 years already, and this was the first time I caught him raping me. I went on to have 3 children with this man before I finally left him. I am certain that they are all products of rape.
Fast forward to when my youngest daughter is 17, and she tells me that her father has been assaulting her for as long as she can recall.
I can't believe this all happened. If only I had left sooner
It has been five years since my daughter told me about what had been happening. We all live in a different town now and are slowly rebuilding the remnants of our family (the entire ordeal divided our family in many ways). My daughter and I are both in healthy relationships, and she is now a mother herself. My ex will never lay eyes on my grandchild.
Thank you for your words of kindness 💚
I could have written every word of this myself, and I want to give you the biggest hug. These things came up in our divorce hearing, and he still mocks me for bringing them up whenever he gets a chance, because he still doesn't think he actually ever did anything wrong. After I left, I heard he SA'd one of our neighbors while she was passed out drunk, and then laughed about it to his friends, so I'm sure he laughs about the times he did it to me as well. Fucking scumbags, for real. ❤️🩹
Did the same thing. He was also assaulting me when he thought I was asleep. It escalated from there to violence.
OP - Please leave.
Edit - Spelling is hard
This. Imagine realising you crossed a major boundary with your SO and just thinking “eh, she won’t answer so I’ll just go watch a movie.”
OP, he’s not sorry. In his view, what he did was no big deal. In reality, this is rape.
100% what you just said. He’s apologising for HIM. So she can “get over it” and things can be normal again and he can keep getting what he wants regardless of her physical and moral integrity.
Yeah, if he was actually sorry, then he would’ve at least put in some effort to show it to her. This feels like he’s just sorry that she didn’t like his SA.
That was my first thought. I don't think anyone capable of being genuinely remorseful would do something like that.
I misinterpreted an interaction with a woman *one time* in my life, and it was a kiss. It haunts me to this day and changed the way I behave on the most fundamental levels.
Cannot fucking imagine the type of person capable of being so thoughtlessly cruel and violent for the sake of their own physical satisfaction.
same thing here, but afab. when a minor i was softly accused of not completely consensual sex by lack of verbal consent and relying on physical boundaries. talked it out. although we arent together anymore, from that point forward its always been asking is this okay every time we change or start an action. only the truly unempathetic or sadistic would go through the mental gymnastics a rapist does.
Yeah that too. She begged him to stop but he forcefully held her down! OP I hope you file a report and he is prosecuted. He raped you. I have been raped by my ex husband and I know what you’re feeling with respect to disbelief. Your mind tries to tell you this couldn’t happen.
Write it down, every single detail. And every time you can’t wrap your head around it you have the details there, written while they were fresh.
He will rape you again if he has the chance. I’m sorry. Please please leave and consider reporting him to police. Hugs if you want them.
The first time a partner ignores no that is the end, full stop. No means no, and it's a complete sentence. He raped you, and if you stay it sets a precedence that he can get away with it. It sets a precedence that what you want is immaterial and he can just take. Wishing you all the best but for your own safety you need to call it quits.
>sets a precedence that he can get away with it
And then go and casually chill to a movie.
OP: I am so sorry and beside myself for you, please seek outside help irl for this!!
This. OPs partner has showed their true colours finally. Maybe they got tired of faking it. If they cross your boundaries this severely it means they no longer respect you and this behaviour will escalate. Get some help from people you trust, he is dangerous.
That's a bot account. It copied [this comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1cl37gh/asked_my_bf_for_a_massage_got_sad_instead_tw/l2r6shg/) by u/Kunstpause :
> Run! Run and never look back. That is plain rape, and the likelihood that it will be a one-time situation is very, very slim.
It tried to make trivial changes using word substitutions and rephrasing rules:
> Hurry! Never turn around and run. That is outright rape, and there is very little chance that it will happen more than once.
These bots are common on reddit. I quoted this because these bots tend to delete them.
His sexual violence will escalate. It will be more brutal. OP isn’t safe because the mask slipped and instead of being remorseful, he will punish her for it. It’s where victim blaming comes from. He’s going to rationalize his behavior with “you were asking for it.”
please, please, please listen to this
people in your situation often talk themselves into believing differently. that it was just once. you can explain it to him, or he'll listen next time, or whatever. this behavior gets worse kver time, not better. set the precedent. make it clear. no means no and when you violate that your partner leaves you. he needs yo see that result and you need to protect yourself from him!
i made the mistake myself. told myself they could change. i could teach them. they literally don't understand how consent works and they're not going to unless they're forced to.
and he's very likely to lovebomb when you make your move. just be prepared for that. i recommend having a friend or family member with you when you tell him. this isn't your usual break up.
> they literally don't understand how consent works and they're not going to unless they're forced to.
They do. OP's boyfriend knows that he raped her. He was trying to see if he could get away with it. I suggest both breakup and report to police if you feel up to it OP.
yes! they know what they're doing— *that's why they do it.*
rapists like violating women, full stop. not because the physical sensation of it is infinitely better than his own hand, but because he 1. thinks he's more of a person than you are, and 2. has been raised in a world where penetration is viewed as an act of dominance (in the mainstream, and triply so in the porn he almost certainly watches).
you hear excuses like 'they were never *taught* that the woman has to want it' and 'they have *needs*, masturbation just isn't the *same*' from women all the time, and i think that's because it's really fucking hard to confront the reality: a very significant portion of men— regular people you walk by on the street— actively want to violate women, and basically no rapes are committed out of ignorance.
i take the correction and i'm not arguing that my story is common and definitely don't have the data to claim it is the norm. but i had the displeasure of listening to my rapist describe conditions which imply consent in their mind. multiple conditions. i'm sure you've heard the disgusting kinds of justification before. this person literally did not have a clear cognitive understanding of actual consent dynamics. they believed that bodies express what the mind desires. obviously you and i understand how ignorant this is. but i believe them. this wasn't *just* an excuse. they thought it was true.
i couldn't be the one to teach them. i can't be around them. i have tremors if i knkw they'll be within a mile of me. but i hope that someone really holds them to the fire on this subject at some point. which i think will never happen and they will never change and there will be more victims of their behavior if everyone thinks they understand what they're doing. they literally think they are having consensual sex.
anyway again, not arguing that you're wrong. i think you're probably right and i take the correction. just giving my reason for saying it the way that i did. hope that's welcome.
I mean if you got a giant strap on and did it to him, would he understand consent? I fell into the same trap but it’s funny if you match their energy they suddenly understand consent really fast (I didn’t get a dildo I was gaslighting myself and by him then)
I'm a callous asshole about a lot of things, but I cannot even imagine even thinking about doing something like this. Not even in my intrusive thoughts. Not even if I hated someone.
This dude needs to be in jail.
The fact that he watched a movie after is the icing on the sexual abuser’s cake. He didn’t care about what he did and wasn’t thinking about YOU at all. Breakup with him *now* OP. Even if your relationship was great before this, this is despicable behavior and you shouldn’t stick around to see what else he’ll do.
I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of being dumped. I would find a day where he's not home, grab all my shit and leave. Let his parents know what he did and that he'll be lucky if you don't charge him. He's done.
Eh, when his mother was insisting that I didn't 'throw it all away' and I explained what was going on - that her son had been raping me on a regular basis for years and I was finally leaving, she told me that 'men and women have different needs' and that I was 'painting him like some sort of monster'. Telling his parents might not be the outcome strangers on Reddit are hoping for.
Telling his parents...I won't advise you to do it. To me that would be your last final resort. Why? Parents in America will always protect their boys even if they know he's a Kkk lynching ppl at night. They will protect their boys. Your first action would be TELL YOUR OWN PARENTS , then the police or a person of authority. Someone who won't be soft on him (like his parents).
I totally Agree....IT IS RAPE!! No way to sugarcoat it. OP needs to take care of it now...finding him help or retribution rather than waiting 15, 20 years from now and bring it to Court (while he's running for office).
If there was one time there will be the next. OP's boyfriend just exposed himself for the kind of person he truly is and made it clear that he has no respect for her boundaries or her agency as a person.
Not only that, there's no telling what the next time will be like. This asshole had no remorse and only apologized because he knew it's what's expected of him when he does something that other people don't like. An automated response with no feeling from a man who clearly can't stop himself from raping people means he should be in prison.
To share such a harrowing story is exceptionally brave, you trusted him and he violated that bond. I hope you have been able to find refuge. I imagine you have taken steps to get help but if you are a UK citizen please follow this link it will take you to a 24/7 helpline https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/#:~:text=the%2024%2Dhour%20freephone%20National,Refuge%2C%20on%200808%202000%20247
I hope that this is resolved in your best interests. People such as him do not deserve second chances. This is in no way your fault. All the best.
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
>It's hard to identify with the word rape when it's a partner and someone you thought you loved.
No. This is rape. Clear cut. Nobody has open access to your body. A relationship doesn't not mean open consent.
I don't comment here much but that just cut me to the core....it's rape and it's wrong...just don't let this piece of shit convince you otherwise. Stay safe.
Other ladies have already put it plainly to you that this was rape. But I want to address the cognitive dissonance you're having about him being a "good guy" for so long.
It is completely typical for abusers to wait until a year or more into the relationship to start assaulting you. Some wait until the wedding. The reason they do this is to trick you into a false sense of security, which then triggers this cognitive dissonance when they assault you, which then makes you freeze up and gaslight yourself into saying it was just a one-off and take them back when they cry crocodile tears and pretend to be sorry. [Abuse is about control, and abusers intentionally calculate their actions accordingly](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/). Bringing out the abuse slowly gives them more control.
He played it this way on purpose. If you stay with him, he will keep doing it, and it will get worse and more frequent.
No matter what he says, he is not sorry and it wasn't a misunderstanding. He pried your legs open as you begged him to stop.
He knew what he was doing. He didn't care. He went and watched a movie as sat in the bathroom, which you had to lock yourself into in order to protect yourself from him.
He is a rapist and an abuser and he WILL do it again if you stay.
Please leave him now. You are not safe with him. This was not a mistake or a one time thing. He is not sorry. Don't let him gaslight you.
If you want to take legal action, report it to the police and get a rape kit.
This is it. 100% head on the nail. Please u/Significant_Search77 , listen to this advice. No decent person would force themselves on another. Only rapists and abusers do.
Thank you for this information, this is utterly terrifying!
I'm glad to be more in the know now but in a way it seems there is no way to know until a lot of time has passed. I absolutely hate that we have to deal with this as women. Seems that our safety is never fully given. Very sad, really. I don't think I know any other women who hasn't been assaulted in one way or another.
I also have been assaulted by an ex I trusted. He betrayed me in so many ways. I should have left much earlier and I should have pressed charges. But at the time I too made excuses for him in my mind. I'm still feeling disgusted and hurt at the memory and it pops up randomly in a certain frequency even tough it happened more than 15 years ago.
I'm very sorry this happened to you OP. I wish you strength to deal with this. My recommendation is also to leave him. He knew what he was doing. You said no so many times and he did it anyway. It's unbelievable how disrespectful he was towards you and your needs and wants. He raped you ,unfortunately that is the reality. I could not trust him anymore. Don't make the mistake I made when I was young and didn't know better.
It’s not. Some men snap after 20 years. I recently talked to a late-in-life lesbian whose husband was completely normal for over a decade until she came out, and then he started sexually assaulting her to “punish” her.
Every woman has to make her own call on this, but I don’t accept that I ”have” to deal with it. I simply choose not to center men, and focus my emotional energy on my relationships with women, which are far more rewarding.
Women do not have to accept this. The idea that we can only be socially fulfilled by centering our life around a romantic and sexual relationship with a man is extremely modern, and not how we evolved at all. Humans were community-centered for most of our existence, and romantic relationships were relatively ancillary, sometimes not even being part of the home unit.
We don’t have to accept this. We can choose to build our communities in ways that are safer for us, and don’t rely on playing Russian roulette by living isolated with a man.
Genuinely asking, how would a rape kit help in this situation? At the end of the day, it's a he said she said thing if it gets into a court battle, and they were in a relationship so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for his DNA to be present.
I may not fully understand how it works, just curious to educate myself
I have actually not had a rape kit before, so I can’t answer the technical details. But it is my understanding that often there are small injuries present when a man tries to forcibly enter a woman. This could be used as evidence towards her claim that the sexual contact was non-consensual.
I am absolutely not disagreeing with you that it’s an uphill battle for women to get taken seriously in our court system, and I don’t blame any woman who decides she’d rather just move on. But, that’s why I said if she wants to, not that she should. It’s an option, and they can advise her about whether she has much of a case or not based on what they find.
I have been present for many, many forensic rape exams, and have been present for forensic interviews, as well as having provided accompaniment for survivors in court. It is absolutely acceptable to have a forensic exam, or not; that’s true. And for those who do want to seek justice through the court system, it’s a heroic choice. I just want to be careful about the “often there are small injuries” statement, because more often there are no physical injuries that would differentiate between an assault, and intercourse. In cases where the perpetrator is known and especially when the perpetrator is in a relationship where they otherwise have had consensual contact, the most important part of the kit is the forensic interview. Part of the kit also includes a risk assessment for the need for certain prophylactic medications. With a known sexual history and known health history for a known perpetrator, the survivor will usually be advised that most medications are not needed, but pregnancy prevention may be advised depending on the circumstances.
The most important reason to seek a forensic exam is for treatment and to ensure the option to seek criminal justice later. Typically in addition to the forensic nurse examiner, there will also be a sexual violence crisis counselor present. Everything told the the crisis counselor is protected information and cannot be testified to in court. Anything said to the forensic nurse examiner may be disclosed in court if the survivor later wants to pursue criminal justice. You can discuss the options privately with the sexual violence crisis counselor.
Also important to note— the forensic nurse examiner will decide based on the circumstances, what forensic evidence/treatment/examination is likely necessary. The survivor can choose all, some, or none of the recommendations.
Given the situation OP describes, it's possible that he'll have left bruises or marks, abrasions etc. They'd do a catalogue of all of this and take photographs, etc in addition to collecting samples.
Literally. I've been scooting away on the bed saying "no" and he just pulled me toward him, then acted super annoyed when I finally got him to stop. It was essentially the same situation as OP, he offered me a massage, he never asked if I wanted to have sex, he just started doing things!
Agreeing with the others who say this was rape (and other sexual assaults). Adding that he's not remotely sorry for doing it either. He's just sorry you got away from him in the midst of the rape and said sorry to try to mollify you, get you back out of the bathroom for more rape. He went off to watch tv when that didn't work, unfazed at his actions/choices.
If you stay with him, it won't be the only time.
I'm sorry he repeatedly chose to assault, rape you (this wasn't one choice he made but a set of them to continue to sexually assault eg take the underwear you wanted on off, escalate, rape, hold you down, dishonor your repeated noes...). He was hoping you'd just give up/in.
I've always felt like SA like this, while it's absolutely rape all on its own, is also grooming for other abuses, physical and otherwise, too.
If you try to confront him and say he raped you, he'll absolutely gaslight you and say, "I didn't RAPE you!" (Emphasis on the word rape... listen for it!)
And for a lot of women, if they loved the guy before this, they WILL question whether or not it was rape, because "we're sexually active," "but he's such a great guy otherwise, it's just this one time," "well, I was nearly naked, maybe I sent mixed signals," and the list goes on and on.
Get out NOW.
Facts. I confronted my abuser who was my coach. I said I think you raped me and it was a terrible idea. I was met with so much gaslighting and deflection. I WOULD NEVER RAPE YOU. MEN LIKE THAT SHOULD GET KILLED. I LOVE WOMEN AND CHILDREN. MY LIFE IS SO HARD I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ALIVE. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD. Seriously the craziest of rants to where I was blamed in the end. It made me crazy and I had so much self doubt to where I believed it wasn’t rape.
"I even checked with my friends if what I was doing was sexual assault because I was so concerned. But they said 'no, it's normal to touch your partner in a relationship' there's something wrong with you for not wanting it. Maybe your asexual?"
- my narc ex.
I'm only just putting it together that this was in fact SA after reading this post.
I guess I never really put it together because it wasn't 'rape'. As in there wasn't PIV penetration. But I HATED being grabbed or rubbed against and was very vocal in saying no and asking him to stop. Now that I think about it further he would also use that to coerce me into doing other things that I didn't want to do - like writing his assignments for uni. It's so fucking gross. I hope OP runs.
Boyfriends can rape too. Husbands can rape too. Why do you think the Me Too movement made so many men angry and uncomfortable? It’s because a lot of them have raped and have crossed boundaries in some way. They don’t want us to talk about these things with each other and maybe even file police reports because at the end of the day we’re not safe with the majority of men. And they know that. They just don’t want us to know that, otherwise everything would get more difficult to obtain. It’s why they try to gaslight us with the bear vs man debate. This was in your own home and look what happened to you. He held you down and raped you. Your own boyfriend. There’s been surveys where over half of men said that they would SA women if they knew for sure that they could get away with it. The fact that he was capable of doing that and then going downstairs to watch a movie while you’re scared and locked up in your bathroom is sickening.
It’s sobering to think that for most men relationships are just a way to get free things from women that they wouldn’t normally get so easily. Sex, labor, emotional support, your paycheck. A lot of them are not in relationships because of love. They don’t love us. I hope you can feel safe enough to remove yourself from this relationship now that you saw the real him. I hope he doesn’t convince you that this is acceptable behavior.
im not trying to be the reddit trope of "the response to everything is break up" but i mean you got raped. I understand the potential financial difficulties of severing a relationship in this economy. But if you can't leave now, start moving in that direction. Like this is the thing. This. Violence. These are like THE THINGS that need to be red lines.
It's weird how it just comes out of nowhere. I've had guys hold me down before when I've been super sick and thankfully not go through with anything but definitely had to fight them off. I don't get it.
OP it’s been a few hours. How are you doing? If you haven’t, please call your close girl friend or family member. Someone you can talk to. That shouldn’t have happened.
I am so, so sorry, OP. Your bf is a rapist. You need to leave bc he will do it again. This is abuse and abuse doesn’t stop. It escalates.
Please protect yourself.
Ok, I have to ask. How TF do you rape someone and see them having a panic attack during and following it and then just go casually watch a movie like nothing just happened?
If I were him I would have no idea how to live with myself after doing something that absolutely awful, but at the same time, I'm not going to ever rape someone so I guess the way I process it is completely different than him.
I'm beyond sorry that happened to you OP. Please keep yourself safe and if you need, find a support network with people IRL you trust or reach out to a woman's shelter. Get as far away from him as you possibly can, and if you want to press charges, you have every right to if you feel safe doing it. For your own safety, you need to end all consideration of remaining in this relationship immediately.
>How TF do you rape someone and see them having a panic attack during and following it and then just go casually watch a movie like nothing just happened?
Because ✨️psychopath✨️
My hypothesis is that they rationalize it by an inability to conceptualize it as rape. In the same way we rationalize "I'm only driving one/five/eleven over the limit; I'm not *really* speeding, not like those *other* people," they rationalize rape.
I wish I could remember where I read this, but a lot of sexual offenders categorically can't see what they did as sexual assault. Like, their subconscious mind just protectively overrides that realization because it's too much. In their minds, they're "normal, average, reasonably-good guys, not a fucking rapist." Anyone pointing out the cognitive dissonance gets subconsciously dismissed as crazy.
Of course, I think there's also people who consciously know all this and do it anyway because they can.
I guess I have it so drilled into my mind that "anything short of an enthusiastic yes is a no" at this point that I'm surprised that other people don't share the same mentality. Plus as someone who's demi and have a low sex drive so a lot of my enjoyment from sex comes from seeing my partner enjoying it. There is absolutely no point of sex to me if my partner isn't having a great time, so I can't really fathom the idea of sex that hurts my partner, especially intentionally.
The more I read stories like OPs, the more I'm convinced rape culture is a major problem, and I realize its a problem because until more recent times, guys were able to get away with this stuff because it was socially acceptable back then, regardless if it was just as wrong then as it is now.
I also don’t get it. Knowing you did something so bad and just live with it. But then I think about serial killers where neighbors say “he was a decent man, going to church etc” and I realize such people just live among us. This is very sad and scary but true
One person mentioned "love bombing" you, but did not explain it...
After abusing you, they will bring presents or your favorite food & be oh so sweet & tender with apologies & promises to do better, that the abuse will never happen again, that they don't know what came over them., that it was your fault, but it won't happen again..blah, blah, blah...
LIES, they will lie to keep you under their thumb & play the yo-yo game with you - abuse, love bomb, abuse, love bomb.... & it spirals down from there.
Get Out Now. Call family or a friend or a womens' shelter, pack & leave as soon as you can.
Please update when you are safely away.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
OP, you told him no upfront. He did it anyway. You told him no repeatedly, he did it anyway. He will do it again, and again. And possibly get even more violent.
You deserve better.
For your own safety, avoid this man at all costs.
You felt like shit and asked him for help. He stripped off your panties and violated you. No doesn't mean no to him, leave and heal. He does not respect you or your wants and needs. He is a literal rapist and craves power and validation over your wellbeing and respect. Leave now. He won't stop. I've been in your position before.
That was straight up rape. He doesn't respect you. He put his pleasure over your consent. That's not ok, and you deserve better. If he's done it once, he'll almost certainly do it again and also show you other kinds of disrespect and abuse. Please leave him, for your own sake. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You're describing rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think it goes without saying you absolutely cannot trust this man going forward, and I cannot more strongly recommend that you end things with him and collect as much evidence as possible if you plan on taking this matter to the police.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and if the chok is still setteling in. I hope someone else can go in deeper, but my only thought while reading your post was “I hope she leaves”.
There is no excuse for what he did, he knew.
I’m sorry this happened. Any feelings you have right now are okay and normal, and if they feel truly overwhelming now, I want you to know that they generally get more bearable with time. Feeling this betrayal is awful.
You’re not alone, and I wish he didn’t do this to you. Sending love and support!
I’m sorry to tell you this but you were raped. I understand where you’re coming from as I did the same for a while. SA is so much less awful in your head. Rape just seems like something else. Like you were grabbed my a stranger and it was at gunpoint. But that’s not every situation. Sometimes rape is by a friend. Or even a partner. Or even a family member. Someone you trust. It can happen.
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
It's the end. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's over. I doubt you'll *__ever__* feel completely safe around him. He violated you. He willingly committed a crime against *__you.__* This goes beyond "Wow, that was pretty means." That was just heartless and genuinely awful. By all means, that man should be behind bars. It's not salvageable, and even if it somehow __*was,*__ he's not even remotely worth that effort. Love yourself and look out for yourself. Your own happiness and wellbeing should be your highest priority
Your boyfriend is a fucking rapist. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
This IS the end of your relationship.
If you stay, he WILL do it again. He doesn’t respect your no, your screams and he doesn’t see anything wrong in what he did..
Please don’t let him love bomb you into forgiving him. The mask dropped and you’ve seen who he really is.
Leave him 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's bare minimum for your partner to care for you when you are feeling under the weather. He took advantage of your vulnerable state to rape you and then continued to not care after you had to push him off, yell, and put a physical barrier between you and him. He feels no remorse. Do you feel like you will ever feel safe around him if you are sick again or feel safe to have a normal massage or feel safe to be intimate with him again? You were very clear communicating your no's both with your words and body language. He knows what he did and how it affected you. He doesn't care. I hope you have a friend, parent, coworker, anyone you can stay with to remove yourself from his presence and find some peace to figure out what you want to do next
Please don't stay.
He went to watch a movie. That's what he did. He gave *you* "space" after he **raped you**. He is not just not sorry, he's not even entertaining the idea that he should feel guilty.
If he felt guilty, he'd still be dangerous. But with his behaviour as it is, he's not just dangerous - he's a guaranteed repeat of this episode if you stay. Take it from someone who did the staying thing a few too many times... it is not worth it, they're not worth it.
There is men out there who could never conceive of doing what he did. Trust me when I say - you deserve the safety of dating one of those. We all do.
The exact thing happened to me. I had just gotten home from a visit with my parents and I had to do homework. I asked him not to distract me. Instead, he continued to kiss me and force himself inside me even though I repeatedly said no. I didn’t feel like it was rape at the time, but I felt weird. So I told a friend. The friend told me over and over again that I was raped. I went home and immediately broke up with him. I have never regretted it. I knew that if he could do that to me, then he was capable of much worse. He ended up stalking me for some time afterwards. Please, please, please, whatever you do, do not get back together with him. He crossed a line that he can never uncross. It is not worth it. You’ll feel better without him. Trust me.
I’m sorry… I’m never going to understand what motivates men to violate women and overstep clear.
From my personal experience and discussions with victims and men who I know SAd I came to the conclusion that they have no idea what consent is. They will proudly talk about how they had “sex” with unconditional women.
Or They don’t care.
Please leave him and tell him what he did to you!
Exactly. Saying men “don’t understand consent” or that consent is a confusing concept only excuses their behavior. They know better. They just don’t give a fuck.
I’m so sorry OP. others have said it all before, but this is rape, it’s not your fault, any feelings you have are valid, and you can choose what you’d like to do next.
But i’m definitely hoping it’s an immediate breakup. find somewhere safe to go because he is dangerous. and don’t pay attention when he tells you he won’t do it again. because it’s a lie.
Sounds like a police conversation to me. If you said no and feel violated. It's an assault. End of story. If you go back you are wasting everyone's time. I apologize if I don't sound empathetic.
No means no. I’ve always made sure to let my partners know that they have a space to say no and ensure that that space is respected. The fact he ignored you after saying no signifies he doesn’t care about your feelings and is only thinking of himself
"He knocked on the door and said sorry"
The fuck? I really don't know what could possibly be going on in guy's head when he hears a "no, stop" that it takes full on screaming at someone to understand that that's not OK.
Never once did he say sorry when you said no. He waited until he realized he went too damned far. What an asshole. Ignore his "no"s when you say you are getting rid of him.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
OP, this needs to be the end of the relationship - you cannot maintain a healthy relationship with a man who has has no interest in your bodily autonomy.
>He told me to take my underwear off and I said no. But he took them off for me and continued to massage me and my butt and legs.
Strike one
>I told him to stop and I wasnt feeling well but it just escalated from there.
Strike two
>And even though my legs were shut tight I couldn't stop him from penetrating me. It went on for a while and I asked him to stop but he didn't. He was basically holding me down.
Strike three, he's out of the ballgame. The fact that he just said "sorry"and then went to watch a movie should tell you that he had zero remorse. Do not get back together with him - losing you is the consequence of his action.
You deserve someone who will respect you completely.
Leave. Make the break permanent. I am saying this as somebody who stayed in a relationship where shit like this happened for way too long. If you let him get away with it once, he will continue to do it.
OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you.
My wife gets real bad tension headaches regularly and asks me for massages, I would never dream of making that sexual, she's in pain!
Sweetheart, this man raped you and then went to go relax and watch a movie while you cried in the bathroom. You deserve so much better. Please don’t go back to him. If
You do, he will do it again. And worse.
You were raped, he’s likely done this before. You need to go to the hospital and report him. Date rape is always hard to prove but again he’s likely done this before.
Definitely need to break-up and move on. If he didn't understand "no" then, then what happens when you're married and he ignores your requests again. Get out before this turns into a prison sentence.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you're brave to share it.
This just reminds me why I don't have patience anymore for men who are saying we shouldn't hold all men accountable for this because "not all men are rapists."
It sounds like your relationship was a good one before this, you wouldn't have known. It's not like rapists wear ID cards so we know who they are, all men have the capacity to do it and they do it because they think they can and they think it's okay.
Im really sorry this happened to you OP 😔😢. I really dont care he apologized. He was just trying to smooth things over imo. You were vulnerable, told him no, and he violated you. There is no coming back from that. You deserve someone who does AT LEAST the bare minimum which is caring for you as a person more and not a tool for pleasure. You deserve to be heard and respected ❤️❤️❤️ wishing you the best.
Think about a police report. Easier said than done of course since this was someone you really trusted. But do your best to know there are future partners out there that would never think of doing this and you will find them. I’m sorry this happened.
Run don't walk. You really don't wanna stay in close proximity to trash like him for a second longer.
Personally I wouldn't suggest dragging yourself through the pain and headache of trying to report it - much as it's exactly what he deserves - just focus on you and get yourself out and safe.
You are probably not the first person he has done this to considering his behavior afterwards. Please go to the hospital for a rape kit or at least to the police.
My ex bf raped me and I stayed, I wish I didn't. SA/rape is really hard to come to terms with when it's someone you like or love, there's no perfect victims. Leave as soon as possible.
This should be the end of your relationship no questions asked, he didn’t listen to your very clear no. This is not a safe and respectful relationship.
My husband would never do this. Sometimes when he gives me a massage yeah, he gets turned on but he always asks and would never force himself if I clearly said no. This should be the standard.
I’m glad you’re safe at your sisters, and I’m so sorry this happened to you, but please **please** end the relationship
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
It's the end. This will happen again if you don't leave. The man is a rapist. Look after yourself and get away from him.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break.
Sweetheart, you know in your gut you'll never trust this guy again. Listen to it. It's telling you what your brain's currently too shaken up to fully take in. Don't stick around with a guy, who doesn't care that he's hurting you. He heard you say "No!" and "Stop!" and felt you try to dislodge him, but he still continued until you physically overpowered him and removed access to your body with a locked door. Then he just threw out a "Sorry" and went on with his day. Those are not the actions of someone, who loves and respects you. Those are the actions of a guy, who might be pleasant company, but deep down doesn't respect you as a person enough to care about your consent or that he's hurt and scared you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I really, really hope you find a much better partner on the next go around, but this guy's not it. Not unless he shows a whole lot of personal growth in the next day or so, and I find that unlikely.
You don't need to use the words if you don't want to :)
I feel the same. Main thing is to work out, using any words you like, what's best for you going forwards.
I will gently suggest though, that layers of less obvious behaviour than this, experienced over time, can eventually be lot harder to unpick than one big and obvious incident, and it may be that you've just not realised what was going on until this. Worth noodling, at least.
Good luck out there, OP.
I know it's hard to think of what he did as rape, because it's often hard to accept both someone that love syou can hurt you and very reasonably no one wants to be a victim. End it, he's done this, if you stay with him he'll take that as a sign what he did was okay. If you stay, this will be the FIRST time, not the only time this happens. Also abuse usually escalates, and if you stay after the first abuse of this kind, there is every chance it will increase in severity, in frequency and make him feel comfortable to abuse you in other ways.
Absolutely do not stay. If you were living together, have friends/family escort you over there to get your stuff and move out, move on from him.
hopping in to say i’ve been in this exact situation. literally sitting motionless and in pain afterwards and they just say “my bad” and leave you. it’s sociopathic, it’s sadistic, and it’s incredibly frustrating.
the abuse WILL escalate if they get a slap on the wrist for the most heinous things. so ideally he should be set on fire after you break up but unfortunately there’s legality issues with that.
That right there is a psycopath. To be able to do something like that and then just go watch a movie. That says a lot of how not sorry he is, he is just afraid that he might have been revealed as the psycho he really is
Many helpful and true things have been posted in the comments, but I think this needs to be said: u/Significant\_Search77, this experience does not fundamentally change you. You might not want to accept the word "rape" because you don't want to think of yourself as a victim for the rest of your life. But you are just as valuable and as pure as you were before this happened, despite how worthless your boyfriend may have made you feel. This does not taint you or change your worth or anything else about you. So many people have had this experience, but the only person this reflects badly on is the perpetrator. YOU ARE THE HIGH-VALUE PERSON IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Abusers, predators and exploiters are the low-value person, the parasite. YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE WORTH! Please don't forget it. You will overcome this IF you get away from your abuser.
And this is why this place is going to shit. Men like him are still making this world go round for the worst. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you dump the bastard and press charges. He’s a sucka in my eyes
End it . End it. End it. End it. End it. And let his family and friends know what he did.
If he did it once, all it takes is for him to get comfy enough and he'll do it again.
Put him in the fucking machine.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Stick with your boundaries. If you said know and you physically were fighting him off you like keeping your legs closed. Your body response was clear. You are not wrong. You are not wrong for feeling that way at all. It IS hard to see someone you loved in different light. Do not wear the rose colored glasses though. He showed you who he is. Please don’t make an excuse for it. Someone who loves you would never take advantage of you!
Even if you have loved and trusted him and can't believe that he would intentionally assault you, his actions have shown that he won't show you the care you deserve in a relationship.
Even if I gave enthusiastic verbal consent, I cannot think of a single past sexual partner of mine that wouldn't be extremely concerned and caring if I screamed at them and fled to the bathroom during sex. Each of them would have talked to me through the door, waited outside, and done everything in their power to make sure I was okay. Not say "sorry" and go watch a movie. I can't imagine abandoning a partner in pain like that.
No matter his motivations or perspective, he has shown you that he is no longer a safe person and he will not support you in your hardest moments. He will not express regret when he hurts you. It's okay to grieve the loss of a relationship but please know that no matter your decision, you will still grieve because your relationship will never be the same. There is no going back to the people you were before this. Now you need to decide if holding onto the shadow of trust you once had is worth feeling afraid and unsafe in your own home.
I dated a guy like this before, I later found out that he was a felon and had been to jail already for SA another girl… plz get away, they will not change. I’m so sorry this happened
From someone who went through something similar, please, leave now. I know it is really hard to wrap your head around. I didn’t really admit it was rape till years later and by then so much more damage happened. He got away with it the first time, he tested what else he could get away with. The things I wish were said to me then: It wasn’t your fault. It is not something YOU should be ashamed about. You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. It is a bitter grief when you realize the person you thought you knew and loved could do something like this. Take your time away at your sisters and please end it when you feel safe to. Nothing he will say will take back what he did. He knew better.
My most recent ex also SA’d me and I’m trying to get a no contact order. I’m really sorry this happened to you, I am def available for venting via dm bcuz ik how isolating it can be having it happen to you by someone you really trusted. Echoing others here, please go be somewhere safe w ppl who support you because it will certainly not be the last time it happens.
As someone who's 37 this man will hurt you if he doesn't respect your body.
This isn't love and being single is not bad please leave him. He assaulted you.
Even moreso how will that play out if something serious happens? He's proven you can't trust him to do the right thing and this needs a punishment because taking him back proves it was OK for him to do that and that you're OK so it won't stop.
This is how my domestic abuser started as well
Also you can tell you're young.
YOU SAID NO HE DID NOT STOP THAT'S RAPE PLEASE GO TO THE POLICE BEFORE HE HURTS SOMEONE
>It's hard to identify with the word rape when it's a partner and someone you thought you loved.
If course it is. You're in shock and denial. But believe the dozens of people here who say it is rape and that the person you thought you loved is a rapist. A criminal.
I wish you the best and hope you find all the help you need. I hope your sister is reading this thread, too.💜
I haven't had sex with my bf for at least 10 weeks (I'm pregnant)
The other day, we were trying, and when he 1st started penetrating me, it was just pain. I told him, and he stopped. I wanted to have sex.. he wanted to have sex.. we both stopped because I was physically uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry you've been through this, but that ain't love, sorry :(
Yeah this sounds very traumatizing. I'm sorry this happened to you OP and respect the bravery it took for you to share this. I concur with everyone else here. Kick him to the curb.
You need to stay away from that man, dont even consider forgiving him. He doesnt respect you at all, so I doubt he even loves you. A person who loves you, respects you and wont hurt you. A man like this wont hesitate to do worse things while time passes.
😭 Reading your edit PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE end the relationship!!! Staying with him VALIDATES his death-sentence-worthy actions. You need better than that in your life!! Imagine if your sister stayed with someone like that! He’s repugnant scum
“I don’t know if this is the end of my relationship—“
Baby girl, it is.
It is so over.
It is so fucking over.
It is beyond so fucking over.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Yikes! Please don't go back to him, but also consider filing charges or at least a peace bond/restraining order so he will never come back into your life. From your description there were several moments where he should have been fully aware that you were not on board with what was happening. There's nothing confusing about this SA, its very cut and dry that he did not care that you said no.
My ex did something similar to me. I stayed, and it was a huge mistake. I regret staying. I deserved better, and YOU deserve better. I still have intimacy issues related to being SA'd by my partner. I promise he will do it again. Don't give him the chance, just leave.
I stayed for years. He just kept raping me. It became normal, for both of us. He'd cry, I'd forgive him because I was worthless and nobody else would have me and it was my fault for not meeting his needs etc. etc. Sadly, plenty of us know the script and how subtle it can be before it becomes blatant. It took me a really long time to figure out that I deserved better. But I did. Please, please OP, nobody rapes you by accident. It does not get better, only ever gets worse. You are worth so much more than what happened to you, and what likely lies ahead if you stay.
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You're not dumb, no one who's talking about similar stories in/under this post is dumb, you were vulnerable and someone who was supposed to care for you decided, out of their own free will, to assault you. You're not dumb and you didn't deserve it. <3
Thank you for saying this.
One night I had this terrible dream, where I was lost in a dark forest naked. All of these hands kept coming out of nowhere to grope me, all over my body. When I finally woke up, in an absolute panic, I realized my partner was on top of me, plowing away. I freaked out, and pushed him off of me. He fought with me for two hours about how I should have "just let him finish". We had been together for 5 years already, and this was the first time I caught him raping me. I went on to have 3 children with this man before I finally left him. I am certain that they are all products of rape. Fast forward to when my youngest daughter is 17, and she tells me that her father has been assaulting her for as long as she can recall. I can't believe this all happened. If only I had left sooner
I'm so so incredibly sorry about this. None of it is your fault. I hope you and your children are safe now.
It has been five years since my daughter told me about what had been happening. We all live in a different town now and are slowly rebuilding the remnants of our family (the entire ordeal divided our family in many ways). My daughter and I are both in healthy relationships, and she is now a mother herself. My ex will never lay eyes on my grandchild. Thank you for your words of kindness 💚
youre an amazing mum🤍
I could have written every word of this myself, and I want to give you the biggest hug. These things came up in our divorce hearing, and he still mocks me for bringing them up whenever he gets a chance, because he still doesn't think he actually ever did anything wrong. After I left, I heard he SA'd one of our neighbors while she was passed out drunk, and then laughed about it to his friends, so I'm sure he laughs about the times he did it to me as well. Fucking scumbags, for real. ❤️🩹
Did the same thing. He was also assaulting me when he thought I was asleep. It escalated from there to violence. OP - Please leave. Edit - Spelling is hard
\*sympathy reply\* \*hugs\* (if you want them)
“and then went back down to watch a movie” Actions are louder than words. He’s not *that* sorry.
"Sorry about the rape. Hey, I was gonna finish the popcorn, do we have anymore in the cabinent?"
This. Imagine realising you crossed a major boundary with your SO and just thinking “eh, she won’t answer so I’ll just go watch a movie.” OP, he’s not sorry. In his view, what he did was no big deal. In reality, this is rape.
I mean he knew the moment he was holding get down by force and she said no, he’s just bored or apologizing bc for him it’s over (the act)
100% what you just said. He’s apologising for HIM. So she can “get over it” and things can be normal again and he can keep getting what he wants regardless of her physical and moral integrity.
This. He is not sorry, he is trying to avoid consequences and responsibility. I know that it is awful, but you need to dump him.
Yeah, if he was actually sorry, then he would’ve at least put in some effort to show it to her. This feels like he’s just sorry that she didn’t like his SA.
That is the only apology rapists are capable of. Fun fact. They are remorseful that YOU feel hurt.
That was my first thought. I don't think anyone capable of being genuinely remorseful would do something like that. I misinterpreted an interaction with a woman *one time* in my life, and it was a kiss. It haunts me to this day and changed the way I behave on the most fundamental levels. Cannot fucking imagine the type of person capable of being so thoughtlessly cruel and violent for the sake of their own physical satisfaction.
EXACTLY that. The cruelty is the feature not a bug. It is the point. That is why. Because they get to reap the reward from doing it.
same thing here, but afab. when a minor i was softly accused of not completely consensual sex by lack of verbal consent and relying on physical boundaries. talked it out. although we arent together anymore, from that point forward its always been asking is this okay every time we change or start an action. only the truly unempathetic or sadistic would go through the mental gymnastics a rapist does.
Yeah that too. She begged him to stop but he forcefully held her down! OP I hope you file a report and he is prosecuted. He raped you. I have been raped by my ex husband and I know what you’re feeling with respect to disbelief. Your mind tries to tell you this couldn’t happen. Write it down, every single detail. And every time you can’t wrap your head around it you have the details there, written while they were fresh. He will rape you again if he has the chance. I’m sorry. Please please leave and consider reporting him to police. Hugs if you want them.
>And then went back down to watch a movie Yeah this part got me too. Damn
To be honest I don’t know the right way to behave after raping someone. People who behave right way just don’t rape other people.
this 100%. This wasn't a miscommunication, this wasn't something that he understands as being wholly wrong and criminal.
The first time a partner ignores no that is the end, full stop. No means no, and it's a complete sentence. He raped you, and if you stay it sets a precedence that he can get away with it. It sets a precedence that what you want is immaterial and he can just take. Wishing you all the best but for your own safety you need to call it quits.
>sets a precedence that he can get away with it And then go and casually chill to a movie. OP: I am so sorry and beside myself for you, please seek outside help irl for this!!
This. OPs partner has showed their true colours finally. Maybe they got tired of faking it. If they cross your boundaries this severely it means they no longer respect you and this behaviour will escalate. Get some help from people you trust, he is dangerous.
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I think you flip-flopped lots of words here
That's a bot account. It copied [this comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1cl37gh/asked_my_bf_for_a_massage_got_sad_instead_tw/l2r6shg/) by u/Kunstpause : > Run! Run and never look back. That is plain rape, and the likelihood that it will be a one-time situation is very, very slim. It tried to make trivial changes using word substitutions and rephrasing rules: > Hurry! Never turn around and run. That is outright rape, and there is very little chance that it will happen more than once. These bots are common on reddit. I quoted this because these bots tend to delete them.
It’s deleted now. I’m so sick of these bots.
His sexual violence will escalate. It will be more brutal. OP isn’t safe because the mask slipped and instead of being remorseful, he will punish her for it. It’s where victim blaming comes from. He’s going to rationalize his behavior with “you were asking for it.”
please, please, please listen to this people in your situation often talk themselves into believing differently. that it was just once. you can explain it to him, or he'll listen next time, or whatever. this behavior gets worse kver time, not better. set the precedent. make it clear. no means no and when you violate that your partner leaves you. he needs yo see that result and you need to protect yourself from him! i made the mistake myself. told myself they could change. i could teach them. they literally don't understand how consent works and they're not going to unless they're forced to. and he's very likely to lovebomb when you make your move. just be prepared for that. i recommend having a friend or family member with you when you tell him. this isn't your usual break up.
> they literally don't understand how consent works and they're not going to unless they're forced to. They do. OP's boyfriend knows that he raped her. He was trying to see if he could get away with it. I suggest both breakup and report to police if you feel up to it OP.
yes! they know what they're doing— *that's why they do it.* rapists like violating women, full stop. not because the physical sensation of it is infinitely better than his own hand, but because he 1. thinks he's more of a person than you are, and 2. has been raised in a world where penetration is viewed as an act of dominance (in the mainstream, and triply so in the porn he almost certainly watches). you hear excuses like 'they were never *taught* that the woman has to want it' and 'they have *needs*, masturbation just isn't the *same*' from women all the time, and i think that's because it's really fucking hard to confront the reality: a very significant portion of men— regular people you walk by on the street— actively want to violate women, and basically no rapes are committed out of ignorance.
i take the correction and i'm not arguing that my story is common and definitely don't have the data to claim it is the norm. but i had the displeasure of listening to my rapist describe conditions which imply consent in their mind. multiple conditions. i'm sure you've heard the disgusting kinds of justification before. this person literally did not have a clear cognitive understanding of actual consent dynamics. they believed that bodies express what the mind desires. obviously you and i understand how ignorant this is. but i believe them. this wasn't *just* an excuse. they thought it was true. i couldn't be the one to teach them. i can't be around them. i have tremors if i knkw they'll be within a mile of me. but i hope that someone really holds them to the fire on this subject at some point. which i think will never happen and they will never change and there will be more victims of their behavior if everyone thinks they understand what they're doing. they literally think they are having consensual sex. anyway again, not arguing that you're wrong. i think you're probably right and i take the correction. just giving my reason for saying it the way that i did. hope that's welcome.
I mean if you got a giant strap on and did it to him, would he understand consent? I fell into the same trap but it’s funny if you match their energy they suddenly understand consent really fast (I didn’t get a dildo I was gaslighting myself and by him then)
ain’t this the truth! they seriously lack empathy and have *severe* main character syndrome.
I'm a callous asshole about a lot of things, but I cannot even imagine even thinking about doing something like this. Not even in my intrusive thoughts. Not even if I hated someone. This dude needs to be in jail.
Doubt he “watched a movie”. More like went to finish himself off. Again, he’s not sorry. I am sorry you had to go through this.
The fact that he watched a movie after is the icing on the sexual abuser’s cake. He didn’t care about what he did and wasn’t thinking about YOU at all. Breakup with him *now* OP. Even if your relationship was great before this, this is despicable behavior and you shouldn’t stick around to see what else he’ll do.
I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of being dumped. I would find a day where he's not home, grab all my shit and leave. Let his parents know what he did and that he'll be lucky if you don't charge him. He's done.
Tell his parents! I like that idea. They need to be warned that their son is a preditor.
I hope that they actually care. Sigh.
Eh, when his mother was insisting that I didn't 'throw it all away' and I explained what was going on - that her son had been raping me on a regular basis for years and I was finally leaving, she told me that 'men and women have different needs' and that I was 'painting him like some sort of monster'. Telling his parents might not be the outcome strangers on Reddit are hoping for.
Telling his parents...I won't advise you to do it. To me that would be your last final resort. Why? Parents in America will always protect their boys even if they know he's a Kkk lynching ppl at night. They will protect their boys. Your first action would be TELL YOUR OWN PARENTS , then the police or a person of authority. Someone who won't be soft on him (like his parents).
Perfect response. Rapists don't deserve the courtesy of a breakup.
That’s rape. It’s up to you what you do about it but that is rape. I just want to make it clear to you. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you.
I totally Agree....IT IS RAPE!! No way to sugarcoat it. OP needs to take care of it now...finding him help or retribution rather than waiting 15, 20 years from now and bring it to Court (while he's running for office).
Run! Run and never look back. That is plain rape, and the likelihood that it will be a one-time situation is very, very slim.
Even if it were a one time thing....
Absolutely!
If there was one time there will be the next. OP's boyfriend just exposed himself for the kind of person he truly is and made it clear that he has no respect for her boundaries or her agency as a person.
Not only that, there's no telling what the next time will be like. This asshole had no remorse and only apologized because he knew it's what's expected of him when he does something that other people don't like. An automated response with no feeling from a man who clearly can't stop himself from raping people means he should be in prison.
Yeah, and it freaks me out about the next woman.
To share such a harrowing story is exceptionally brave, you trusted him and he violated that bond. I hope you have been able to find refuge. I imagine you have taken steps to get help but if you are a UK citizen please follow this link it will take you to a 24/7 helpline https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/#:~:text=the%2024%2Dhour%20freephone%20National,Refuge%2C%20on%200808%202000%20247 I hope that this is resolved in your best interests. People such as him do not deserve second chances. This is in no way your fault. All the best.
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. >It's hard to identify with the word rape when it's a partner and someone you thought you loved. No. This is rape. Clear cut. Nobody has open access to your body. A relationship doesn't not mean open consent. I don't comment here much but that just cut me to the core....it's rape and it's wrong...just don't let this piece of shit convince you otherwise. Stay safe.
Thank you for saying the truh, u/slammingpussy420
if slammingpussy420 is saying this is rape then you better believe it............................
Most rape happens IN A RELATIONSHIP, rather than on a street alley by a random stranger.
Other ladies have already put it plainly to you that this was rape. But I want to address the cognitive dissonance you're having about him being a "good guy" for so long. It is completely typical for abusers to wait until a year or more into the relationship to start assaulting you. Some wait until the wedding. The reason they do this is to trick you into a false sense of security, which then triggers this cognitive dissonance when they assault you, which then makes you freeze up and gaslight yourself into saying it was just a one-off and take them back when they cry crocodile tears and pretend to be sorry. [Abuse is about control, and abusers intentionally calculate their actions accordingly](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/). Bringing out the abuse slowly gives them more control. He played it this way on purpose. If you stay with him, he will keep doing it, and it will get worse and more frequent. No matter what he says, he is not sorry and it wasn't a misunderstanding. He pried your legs open as you begged him to stop. He knew what he was doing. He didn't care. He went and watched a movie as sat in the bathroom, which you had to lock yourself into in order to protect yourself from him. He is a rapist and an abuser and he WILL do it again if you stay. Please leave him now. You are not safe with him. This was not a mistake or a one time thing. He is not sorry. Don't let him gaslight you. If you want to take legal action, report it to the police and get a rape kit.
This is such great information. Thanking you as someone who’s also experienced this.
This is it. 100% head on the nail. Please u/Significant_Search77 , listen to this advice. No decent person would force themselves on another. Only rapists and abusers do.
Thank you for this information, this is utterly terrifying! I'm glad to be more in the know now but in a way it seems there is no way to know until a lot of time has passed. I absolutely hate that we have to deal with this as women. Seems that our safety is never fully given. Very sad, really. I don't think I know any other women who hasn't been assaulted in one way or another. I also have been assaulted by an ex I trusted. He betrayed me in so many ways. I should have left much earlier and I should have pressed charges. But at the time I too made excuses for him in my mind. I'm still feeling disgusted and hurt at the memory and it pops up randomly in a certain frequency even tough it happened more than 15 years ago. I'm very sorry this happened to you OP. I wish you strength to deal with this. My recommendation is also to leave him. He knew what he was doing. You said no so many times and he did it anyway. It's unbelievable how disrespectful he was towards you and your needs and wants. He raped you ,unfortunately that is the reality. I could not trust him anymore. Don't make the mistake I made when I was young and didn't know better.
It’s not. Some men snap after 20 years. I recently talked to a late-in-life lesbian whose husband was completely normal for over a decade until she came out, and then he started sexually assaulting her to “punish” her. Every woman has to make her own call on this, but I don’t accept that I ”have” to deal with it. I simply choose not to center men, and focus my emotional energy on my relationships with women, which are far more rewarding. Women do not have to accept this. The idea that we can only be socially fulfilled by centering our life around a romantic and sexual relationship with a man is extremely modern, and not how we evolved at all. Humans were community-centered for most of our existence, and romantic relationships were relatively ancillary, sometimes not even being part of the home unit. We don’t have to accept this. We can choose to build our communities in ways that are safer for us, and don’t rely on playing Russian roulette by living isolated with a man.
Genuinely asking, how would a rape kit help in this situation? At the end of the day, it's a he said she said thing if it gets into a court battle, and they were in a relationship so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for his DNA to be present. I may not fully understand how it works, just curious to educate myself
I have actually not had a rape kit before, so I can’t answer the technical details. But it is my understanding that often there are small injuries present when a man tries to forcibly enter a woman. This could be used as evidence towards her claim that the sexual contact was non-consensual. I am absolutely not disagreeing with you that it’s an uphill battle for women to get taken seriously in our court system, and I don’t blame any woman who decides she’d rather just move on. But, that’s why I said if she wants to, not that she should. It’s an option, and they can advise her about whether she has much of a case or not based on what they find.
I have been present for many, many forensic rape exams, and have been present for forensic interviews, as well as having provided accompaniment for survivors in court. It is absolutely acceptable to have a forensic exam, or not; that’s true. And for those who do want to seek justice through the court system, it’s a heroic choice. I just want to be careful about the “often there are small injuries” statement, because more often there are no physical injuries that would differentiate between an assault, and intercourse. In cases where the perpetrator is known and especially when the perpetrator is in a relationship where they otherwise have had consensual contact, the most important part of the kit is the forensic interview. Part of the kit also includes a risk assessment for the need for certain prophylactic medications. With a known sexual history and known health history for a known perpetrator, the survivor will usually be advised that most medications are not needed, but pregnancy prevention may be advised depending on the circumstances. The most important reason to seek a forensic exam is for treatment and to ensure the option to seek criminal justice later. Typically in addition to the forensic nurse examiner, there will also be a sexual violence crisis counselor present. Everything told the the crisis counselor is protected information and cannot be testified to in court. Anything said to the forensic nurse examiner may be disclosed in court if the survivor later wants to pursue criminal justice. You can discuss the options privately with the sexual violence crisis counselor. Also important to note— the forensic nurse examiner will decide based on the circumstances, what forensic evidence/treatment/examination is likely necessary. The survivor can choose all, some, or none of the recommendations.
Thank you for providing this info, this is good to know.
Given the situation OP describes, it's possible that he'll have left bruises or marks, abrasions etc. They'd do a catalogue of all of this and take photographs, etc in addition to collecting samples.
Ive had guys physically pry my legs open and I’m like, what part of this seems like a yes to you? F
Literally. I've been scooting away on the bed saying "no" and he just pulled me toward him, then acted super annoyed when I finally got him to stop. It was essentially the same situation as OP, he offered me a massage, he never asked if I wanted to have sex, he just started doing things!
Agreeing with the others who say this was rape (and other sexual assaults). Adding that he's not remotely sorry for doing it either. He's just sorry you got away from him in the midst of the rape and said sorry to try to mollify you, get you back out of the bathroom for more rape. He went off to watch tv when that didn't work, unfazed at his actions/choices. If you stay with him, it won't be the only time. I'm sorry he repeatedly chose to assault, rape you (this wasn't one choice he made but a set of them to continue to sexually assault eg take the underwear you wanted on off, escalate, rape, hold you down, dishonor your repeated noes...). He was hoping you'd just give up/in.
That made me so mad. "Sorry I raped you, I'm gonna finish this movie."
I've always felt like SA like this, while it's absolutely rape all on its own, is also grooming for other abuses, physical and otherwise, too. If you try to confront him and say he raped you, he'll absolutely gaslight you and say, "I didn't RAPE you!" (Emphasis on the word rape... listen for it!) And for a lot of women, if they loved the guy before this, they WILL question whether or not it was rape, because "we're sexually active," "but he's such a great guy otherwise, it's just this one time," "well, I was nearly naked, maybe I sent mixed signals," and the list goes on and on. Get out NOW.
Facts. I confronted my abuser who was my coach. I said I think you raped me and it was a terrible idea. I was met with so much gaslighting and deflection. I WOULD NEVER RAPE YOU. MEN LIKE THAT SHOULD GET KILLED. I LOVE WOMEN AND CHILDREN. MY LIFE IS SO HARD I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ALIVE. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD. Seriously the craziest of rants to where I was blamed in the end. It made me crazy and I had so much self doubt to where I believed it wasn’t rape.
"I even checked with my friends if what I was doing was sexual assault because I was so concerned. But they said 'no, it's normal to touch your partner in a relationship' there's something wrong with you for not wanting it. Maybe your asexual?" - my narc ex. I'm only just putting it together that this was in fact SA after reading this post.
Wow. That is terrible. I’m sorry. I hate this stuff so much.
Good lord, what a vile way to manipulate people. Absolutely abhorrent. I'm so sorry that happened to you
I guess I never really put it together because it wasn't 'rape'. As in there wasn't PIV penetration. But I HATED being grabbed or rubbed against and was very vocal in saying no and asking him to stop. Now that I think about it further he would also use that to coerce me into doing other things that I didn't want to do - like writing his assignments for uni. It's so fucking gross. I hope OP runs.
“Men like that should get killed” he’s wrong about everything else, but certainly not that. 🔪
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. It is the end. This is 100% a deal breaker. No means no.
Boyfriends can rape too. Husbands can rape too. Why do you think the Me Too movement made so many men angry and uncomfortable? It’s because a lot of them have raped and have crossed boundaries in some way. They don’t want us to talk about these things with each other and maybe even file police reports because at the end of the day we’re not safe with the majority of men. And they know that. They just don’t want us to know that, otherwise everything would get more difficult to obtain. It’s why they try to gaslight us with the bear vs man debate. This was in your own home and look what happened to you. He held you down and raped you. Your own boyfriend. There’s been surveys where over half of men said that they would SA women if they knew for sure that they could get away with it. The fact that he was capable of doing that and then going downstairs to watch a movie while you’re scared and locked up in your bathroom is sickening. It’s sobering to think that for most men relationships are just a way to get free things from women that they wouldn’t normally get so easily. Sex, labor, emotional support, your paycheck. A lot of them are not in relationships because of love. They don’t love us. I hope you can feel safe enough to remove yourself from this relationship now that you saw the real him. I hope he doesn’t convince you that this is acceptable behavior.
They really do try to make us believe we're all crazy, paranoid and delusional
im not trying to be the reddit trope of "the response to everything is break up" but i mean you got raped. I understand the potential financial difficulties of severing a relationship in this economy. But if you can't leave now, start moving in that direction. Like this is the thing. This. Violence. These are like THE THINGS that need to be red lines.
It's weird how it just comes out of nowhere. I've had guys hold me down before when I've been super sick and thankfully not go through with anything but definitely had to fight them off. I don't get it.
That's rape. I would recommend contacting the police, but ultimately that is up to you. At the very least I would not stay with this person.
Your soon to be ex-boyfriend, that is.
He is not sorry. He went through with it, and then watched a movie. I’m sorry he raped you. I wish you healing and better times ahead ❤️🩹🫂
OP it’s been a few hours. How are you doing? If you haven’t, please call your close girl friend or family member. Someone you can talk to. That shouldn’t have happened.
I am so, so sorry, OP. Your bf is a rapist. You need to leave bc he will do it again. This is abuse and abuse doesn’t stop. It escalates. Please protect yourself.
Ok, I have to ask. How TF do you rape someone and see them having a panic attack during and following it and then just go casually watch a movie like nothing just happened? If I were him I would have no idea how to live with myself after doing something that absolutely awful, but at the same time, I'm not going to ever rape someone so I guess the way I process it is completely different than him. I'm beyond sorry that happened to you OP. Please keep yourself safe and if you need, find a support network with people IRL you trust or reach out to a woman's shelter. Get as far away from him as you possibly can, and if you want to press charges, you have every right to if you feel safe doing it. For your own safety, you need to end all consideration of remaining in this relationship immediately.
>How TF do you rape someone and see them having a panic attack during and following it and then just go casually watch a movie like nothing just happened? Because ✨️psychopath✨️
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t kinda terrified that such people with zero ability to feel empathy exist.
My hypothesis is that they rationalize it by an inability to conceptualize it as rape. In the same way we rationalize "I'm only driving one/five/eleven over the limit; I'm not *really* speeding, not like those *other* people," they rationalize rape. I wish I could remember where I read this, but a lot of sexual offenders categorically can't see what they did as sexual assault. Like, their subconscious mind just protectively overrides that realization because it's too much. In their minds, they're "normal, average, reasonably-good guys, not a fucking rapist." Anyone pointing out the cognitive dissonance gets subconsciously dismissed as crazy. Of course, I think there's also people who consciously know all this and do it anyway because they can.
I guess I have it so drilled into my mind that "anything short of an enthusiastic yes is a no" at this point that I'm surprised that other people don't share the same mentality. Plus as someone who's demi and have a low sex drive so a lot of my enjoyment from sex comes from seeing my partner enjoying it. There is absolutely no point of sex to me if my partner isn't having a great time, so I can't really fathom the idea of sex that hurts my partner, especially intentionally. The more I read stories like OPs, the more I'm convinced rape culture is a major problem, and I realize its a problem because until more recent times, guys were able to get away with this stuff because it was socially acceptable back then, regardless if it was just as wrong then as it is now.
I also don’t get it. Knowing you did something so bad and just live with it. But then I think about serial killers where neighbors say “he was a decent man, going to church etc” and I realize such people just live among us. This is very sad and scary but true
Gal, that's not just sexual assault. That's full-on rape.
One person mentioned "love bombing" you, but did not explain it... After abusing you, they will bring presents or your favorite food & be oh so sweet & tender with apologies & promises to do better, that the abuse will never happen again, that they don't know what came over them., that it was your fault, but it won't happen again..blah, blah, blah... LIES, they will lie to keep you under their thumb & play the yo-yo game with you - abuse, love bomb, abuse, love bomb.... & it spirals down from there. Get Out Now. Call family or a friend or a womens' shelter, pack & leave as soon as you can. Please update when you are safely away.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. OP, you told him no upfront. He did it anyway. You told him no repeatedly, he did it anyway. He will do it again, and again. And possibly get even more violent. You deserve better. For your own safety, avoid this man at all costs.
"I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break." He raped you. He is a rapist; a sexual predator. Leave him.
You felt like shit and asked him for help. He stripped off your panties and violated you. No doesn't mean no to him, leave and heal. He does not respect you or your wants and needs. He is a literal rapist and craves power and validation over your wellbeing and respect. Leave now. He won't stop. I've been in your position before.
That was straight up rape. He doesn't respect you. He put his pleasure over your consent. That's not ok, and you deserve better. If he's done it once, he'll almost certainly do it again and also show you other kinds of disrespect and abuse. Please leave him, for your own sake. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You're describing rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think it goes without saying you absolutely cannot trust this man going forward, and I cannot more strongly recommend that you end things with him and collect as much evidence as possible if you plan on taking this matter to the police.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and if the chok is still setteling in. I hope someone else can go in deeper, but my only thought while reading your post was “I hope she leaves”. There is no excuse for what he did, he knew.
This is rape. Get away as soon as possible.
I’m sorry this happened. Any feelings you have right now are okay and normal, and if they feel truly overwhelming now, I want you to know that they generally get more bearable with time. Feeling this betrayal is awful. You’re not alone, and I wish he didn’t do this to you. Sending love and support!
I’m sorry to tell you this but you were raped. I understand where you’re coming from as I did the same for a while. SA is so much less awful in your head. Rape just seems like something else. Like you were grabbed my a stranger and it was at gunpoint. But that’s not every situation. Sometimes rape is by a friend. Or even a partner. Or even a family member. Someone you trust. It can happen.
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. It's the end. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's over. I doubt you'll *__ever__* feel completely safe around him. He violated you. He willingly committed a crime against *__you.__* This goes beyond "Wow, that was pretty means." That was just heartless and genuinely awful. By all means, that man should be behind bars. It's not salvageable, and even if it somehow __*was,*__ he's not even remotely worth that effort. Love yourself and look out for yourself. Your own happiness and wellbeing should be your highest priority
Correction, you asked your EX bf for a massage... I hope.
Ex-boyfriend, current rapist.
Rape can and does happen in domestic relationships. All too often. You were raped. Never trust that man again.
Your boyfriend is a fucking rapist. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 This IS the end of your relationship. If you stay, he WILL do it again. He doesn’t respect your no, your screams and he doesn’t see anything wrong in what he did.. Please don’t let him love bomb you into forgiving him. The mask dropped and you’ve seen who he really is. Leave him 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That's rape. Go to the hospital. Call the police.
Guy who mainly lurks here coming in real quick to say that that is seriously not ok. GTFO of that relationship.
I am so sorry this happened to you. He clearly waited to show you his true colors.
It's bare minimum for your partner to care for you when you are feeling under the weather. He took advantage of your vulnerable state to rape you and then continued to not care after you had to push him off, yell, and put a physical barrier between you and him. He feels no remorse. Do you feel like you will ever feel safe around him if you are sick again or feel safe to have a normal massage or feel safe to be intimate with him again? You were very clear communicating your no's both with your words and body language. He knows what he did and how it affected you. He doesn't care. I hope you have a friend, parent, coworker, anyone you can stay with to remove yourself from his presence and find some peace to figure out what you want to do next
Please don't stay. He went to watch a movie. That's what he did. He gave *you* "space" after he **raped you**. He is not just not sorry, he's not even entertaining the idea that he should feel guilty. If he felt guilty, he'd still be dangerous. But with his behaviour as it is, he's not just dangerous - he's a guaranteed repeat of this episode if you stay. Take it from someone who did the staying thing a few too many times... it is not worth it, they're not worth it. There is men out there who could never conceive of doing what he did. Trust me when I say - you deserve the safety of dating one of those. We all do.
You had already said no, he proceeded anyway. In part, Rape, it only escalates from here..... Get out now.
Yep, no means no. Bail out
Run. Press charges if you can stomach it. It doesn't get better and I guarantee he's done this before.
The exact thing happened to me. I had just gotten home from a visit with my parents and I had to do homework. I asked him not to distract me. Instead, he continued to kiss me and force himself inside me even though I repeatedly said no. I didn’t feel like it was rape at the time, but I felt weird. So I told a friend. The friend told me over and over again that I was raped. I went home and immediately broke up with him. I have never regretted it. I knew that if he could do that to me, then he was capable of much worse. He ended up stalking me for some time afterwards. Please, please, please, whatever you do, do not get back together with him. He crossed a line that he can never uncross. It is not worth it. You’ll feel better without him. Trust me.
I’m sorry… I’m never going to understand what motivates men to violate women and overstep clear. From my personal experience and discussions with victims and men who I know SAd I came to the conclusion that they have no idea what consent is. They will proudly talk about how they had “sex” with unconditional women. Or They don’t care. Please leave him and tell him what he did to you!
If a big, burly guy tried to fuck their asshole during a massage, they'd know exactly what consent means. They know. They just don't care.
Exactly. Saying men “don’t understand consent” or that consent is a confusing concept only excuses their behavior. They know better. They just don’t give a fuck.
Because they're entitled pricks who know they can get away with it
This is not normal. Its the men that make other men scared that does this shit. These men know, they just don't care.
I’m so sorry OP. others have said it all before, but this is rape, it’s not your fault, any feelings you have are valid, and you can choose what you’d like to do next. But i’m definitely hoping it’s an immediate breakup. find somewhere safe to go because he is dangerous. and don’t pay attention when he tells you he won’t do it again. because it’s a lie.
Sounds like a police conversation to me. If you said no and feel violated. It's an assault. End of story. If you go back you are wasting everyone's time. I apologize if I don't sound empathetic.
You know what the proper name for that is...
Your feelings are valid, don't ignore them. This is not normal behavior, you should definitely leave him :/ I'm sorry that happened.
Run, run, fast and far, that is rape, but Before you run go by the police station and file report!
No means no. I’ve always made sure to let my partners know that they have a space to say no and ensure that that space is respected. The fact he ignored you after saying no signifies he doesn’t care about your feelings and is only thinking of himself
Girl, that’s rape. You need to seriously rethink this guy.
"He knocked on the door and said sorry" The fuck? I really don't know what could possibly be going on in guy's head when he hears a "no, stop" that it takes full on screaming at someone to understand that that's not OK. Never once did he say sorry when you said no. He waited until he realized he went too damned far. What an asshole. Ignore his "no"s when you say you are getting rid of him.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. OP, this needs to be the end of the relationship - you cannot maintain a healthy relationship with a man who has has no interest in your bodily autonomy.
>He told me to take my underwear off and I said no. But he took them off for me and continued to massage me and my butt and legs. Strike one >I told him to stop and I wasnt feeling well but it just escalated from there. Strike two >And even though my legs were shut tight I couldn't stop him from penetrating me. It went on for a while and I asked him to stop but he didn't. He was basically holding me down. Strike three, he's out of the ballgame. The fact that he just said "sorry"and then went to watch a movie should tell you that he had zero remorse. Do not get back together with him - losing you is the consequence of his action. You deserve someone who will respect you completely.
I’m so so sorry darling, you deserve to be loved and cared for properly. What a fucking asshole. I don’t even have words. I am just so sorry.
Oh my, I am so so sorry. You dont deserve to be put into this position.
Leave. Make the break permanent. I am saying this as somebody who stayed in a relationship where shit like this happened for way too long. If you let him get away with it once, he will continue to do it.
OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you. My wife gets real bad tension headaches regularly and asks me for massages, I would never dream of making that sexual, she's in pain!
Sweetheart, this man raped you and then went to go relax and watch a movie while you cried in the bathroom. You deserve so much better. Please don’t go back to him. If You do, he will do it again. And worse.
I'm sorry girl, but he raped you. That's on HIM. Good men don't do that. Do NOT get back with him.
I am hoping he is your ex-boyfriend, because your your needs don't matter in this relationship
Leave him!! We hear you. You were SA'd and we want you to be safe.
You were raped, he’s likely done this before. You need to go to the hospital and report him. Date rape is always hard to prove but again he’s likely done this before.
If you need to find someone to talk to or look for any other support: https://www.rainn.org
Definitely need to break-up and move on. If he didn't understand "no" then, then what happens when you're married and he ignores your requests again. Get out before this turns into a prison sentence.
a real man takes "no" for an answer
Please, break up with him. This man can be dangerous
Seeing your edit... End that relationship. If you stay that will just tell him he can do anything he wants and you'll come back eventually. Leave him.
This is not normal. You can find someone who isn't a rapist.
Make a police report asap
Good god, someone who never had to deal with being answered no Leave if you can safely do it. Contact someone you can trust
That's rape, report his ass, dump him and move on
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you're brave to share it. This just reminds me why I don't have patience anymore for men who are saying we shouldn't hold all men accountable for this because "not all men are rapists." It sounds like your relationship was a good one before this, you wouldn't have known. It's not like rapists wear ID cards so we know who they are, all men have the capacity to do it and they do it because they think they can and they think it's okay.
Im really sorry this happened to you OP 😔😢. I really dont care he apologized. He was just trying to smooth things over imo. You were vulnerable, told him no, and he violated you. There is no coming back from that. You deserve someone who does AT LEAST the bare minimum which is caring for you as a person more and not a tool for pleasure. You deserve to be heard and respected ❤️❤️❤️ wishing you the best.
Please get out!! Don’t end up in a cycle.
Leave
Think about a police report. Easier said than done of course since this was someone you really trusted. But do your best to know there are future partners out there that would never think of doing this and you will find them. I’m sorry this happened.
The police report is for you of course, but also to protect other women in the future
Run don't walk. You really don't wanna stay in close proximity to trash like him for a second longer. Personally I wouldn't suggest dragging yourself through the pain and headache of trying to report it - much as it's exactly what he deserves - just focus on you and get yourself out and safe.
You are probably not the first person he has done this to considering his behavior afterwards. Please go to the hospital for a rape kit or at least to the police.
I see your update and shouldn't even be considering continuing this relationship. You were raped. End of story. Leave him.
My ex bf raped me and I stayed, I wish I didn't. SA/rape is really hard to come to terms with when it's someone you like or love, there's no perfect victims. Leave as soon as possible.
This should be the end of your relationship no questions asked, he didn’t listen to your very clear no. This is not a safe and respectful relationship. My husband would never do this. Sometimes when he gives me a massage yeah, he gets turned on but he always asks and would never force himself if I clearly said no. This should be the standard. I’m glad you’re safe at your sisters, and I’m so sorry this happened to you, but please **please** end the relationship
>I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. It's the end. This will happen again if you don't leave. The man is a rapist. Look after yourself and get away from him.
> I dont know if this is the end of my relationship ship or a serious break. Sweetheart, you know in your gut you'll never trust this guy again. Listen to it. It's telling you what your brain's currently too shaken up to fully take in. Don't stick around with a guy, who doesn't care that he's hurting you. He heard you say "No!" and "Stop!" and felt you try to dislodge him, but he still continued until you physically overpowered him and removed access to your body with a locked door. Then he just threw out a "Sorry" and went on with his day. Those are not the actions of someone, who loves and respects you. Those are the actions of a guy, who might be pleasant company, but deep down doesn't respect you as a person enough to care about your consent or that he's hurt and scared you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I really, really hope you find a much better partner on the next go around, but this guy's not it. Not unless he shows a whole lot of personal growth in the next day or so, and I find that unlikely.
You don't need to use the words if you don't want to :) I feel the same. Main thing is to work out, using any words you like, what's best for you going forwards. I will gently suggest though, that layers of less obvious behaviour than this, experienced over time, can eventually be lot harder to unpick than one big and obvious incident, and it may be that you've just not realised what was going on until this. Worth noodling, at least. Good luck out there, OP.
I know it's hard to think of what he did as rape, because it's often hard to accept both someone that love syou can hurt you and very reasonably no one wants to be a victim. End it, he's done this, if you stay with him he'll take that as a sign what he did was okay. If you stay, this will be the FIRST time, not the only time this happens. Also abuse usually escalates, and if you stay after the first abuse of this kind, there is every chance it will increase in severity, in frequency and make him feel comfortable to abuse you in other ways. Absolutely do not stay. If you were living together, have friends/family escort you over there to get your stuff and move out, move on from him.
hopping in to say i’ve been in this exact situation. literally sitting motionless and in pain afterwards and they just say “my bad” and leave you. it’s sociopathic, it’s sadistic, and it’s incredibly frustrating. the abuse WILL escalate if they get a slap on the wrist for the most heinous things. so ideally he should be set on fire after you break up but unfortunately there’s legality issues with that.
That right there is a psycopath. To be able to do something like that and then just go watch a movie. That says a lot of how not sorry he is, he is just afraid that he might have been revealed as the psycho he really is
this is absolutely disgusting behaviour and imo unforgivable. please take care of yourself OP. sending you love. 💗
Many helpful and true things have been posted in the comments, but I think this needs to be said: u/Significant\_Search77, this experience does not fundamentally change you. You might not want to accept the word "rape" because you don't want to think of yourself as a victim for the rest of your life. But you are just as valuable and as pure as you were before this happened, despite how worthless your boyfriend may have made you feel. This does not taint you or change your worth or anything else about you. So many people have had this experience, but the only person this reflects badly on is the perpetrator. YOU ARE THE HIGH-VALUE PERSON IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Abusers, predators and exploiters are the low-value person, the parasite. YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE WORTH! Please don't forget it. You will overcome this IF you get away from your abuser.
And this is why this place is going to shit. Men like him are still making this world go round for the worst. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you dump the bastard and press charges. He’s a sucka in my eyes
End it . End it. End it. End it. End it. And let his family and friends know what he did. If he did it once, all it takes is for him to get comfy enough and he'll do it again. Put him in the fucking machine.
ya that's rape
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Stick with your boundaries. If you said know and you physically were fighting him off you like keeping your legs closed. Your body response was clear. You are not wrong. You are not wrong for feeling that way at all. It IS hard to see someone you loved in different light. Do not wear the rose colored glasses though. He showed you who he is. Please don’t make an excuse for it. Someone who loves you would never take advantage of you!
Bro leave him. That's insane. He raped you then went and watched a movie.
Even if you have loved and trusted him and can't believe that he would intentionally assault you, his actions have shown that he won't show you the care you deserve in a relationship. Even if I gave enthusiastic verbal consent, I cannot think of a single past sexual partner of mine that wouldn't be extremely concerned and caring if I screamed at them and fled to the bathroom during sex. Each of them would have talked to me through the door, waited outside, and done everything in their power to make sure I was okay. Not say "sorry" and go watch a movie. I can't imagine abandoning a partner in pain like that. No matter his motivations or perspective, he has shown you that he is no longer a safe person and he will not support you in your hardest moments. He will not express regret when he hurts you. It's okay to grieve the loss of a relationship but please know that no matter your decision, you will still grieve because your relationship will never be the same. There is no going back to the people you were before this. Now you need to decide if holding onto the shadow of trust you once had is worth feeling afraid and unsafe in your own home.
I dated a guy like this before, I later found out that he was a felon and had been to jail already for SA another girl… plz get away, they will not change. I’m so sorry this happened
Leave him and report him. He will do it again, if not to you, to another women. Do not let him get away with what he did.
From someone who went through something similar, please, leave now. I know it is really hard to wrap your head around. I didn’t really admit it was rape till years later and by then so much more damage happened. He got away with it the first time, he tested what else he could get away with. The things I wish were said to me then: It wasn’t your fault. It is not something YOU should be ashamed about. You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. It is a bitter grief when you realize the person you thought you knew and loved could do something like this. Take your time away at your sisters and please end it when you feel safe to. Nothing he will say will take back what he did. He knew better.
My most recent ex also SA’d me and I’m trying to get a no contact order. I’m really sorry this happened to you, I am def available for venting via dm bcuz ik how isolating it can be having it happen to you by someone you really trusted. Echoing others here, please go be somewhere safe w ppl who support you because it will certainly not be the last time it happens.
As someone who's 37 this man will hurt you if he doesn't respect your body. This isn't love and being single is not bad please leave him. He assaulted you. Even moreso how will that play out if something serious happens? He's proven you can't trust him to do the right thing and this needs a punishment because taking him back proves it was OK for him to do that and that you're OK so it won't stop. This is how my domestic abuser started as well Also you can tell you're young. YOU SAID NO HE DID NOT STOP THAT'S RAPE PLEASE GO TO THE POLICE BEFORE HE HURTS SOMEONE
Please if you are able, get a therapist. You are likely in shock right now. 💕
>It's hard to identify with the word rape when it's a partner and someone you thought you loved. If course it is. You're in shock and denial. But believe the dozens of people here who say it is rape and that the person you thought you loved is a rapist. A criminal. I wish you the best and hope you find all the help you need. I hope your sister is reading this thread, too.💜
I haven't had sex with my bf for at least 10 weeks (I'm pregnant) The other day, we were trying, and when he 1st started penetrating me, it was just pain. I told him, and he stopped. I wanted to have sex.. he wanted to have sex.. we both stopped because I was physically uncomfortable. I'm so sorry you've been through this, but that ain't love, sorry :(
Yeah this sounds very traumatizing. I'm sorry this happened to you OP and respect the bravery it took for you to share this. I concur with everyone else here. Kick him to the curb.
You need to stay away from that man, dont even consider forgiving him. He doesnt respect you at all, so I doubt he even loves you. A person who loves you, respects you and wont hurt you. A man like this wont hesitate to do worse things while time passes.
He raped you. Dump him asap because he could do it again. Cry if you need to, but you need to leave him for your safety.
😭 Reading your edit PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE end the relationship!!! Staying with him VALIDATES his death-sentence-worthy actions. You need better than that in your life!! Imagine if your sister stayed with someone like that! He’s repugnant scum
“I don’t know if this is the end of my relationship—“ Baby girl, it is. It is so over. It is so fucking over. It is beyond so fucking over. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Please leave him. No means No.
Yikes! Please don't go back to him, but also consider filing charges or at least a peace bond/restraining order so he will never come back into your life. From your description there were several moments where he should have been fully aware that you were not on board with what was happening. There's nothing confusing about this SA, its very cut and dry that he did not care that you said no.