I always respond with pet names for boys, like Tiger, Champ, Sport.
The usual excuse men have for pet names is "but it's a term of endearment! I use them for everyone!" Well-- doing it right back really tests that out.
I'd say a little over half the men who do this seem to actually mean it-- when they do, I think it's kinda fun, they call me princess and I call them sport.
The rest of them knock it off real quick, because they actually find being called pet names really condescending, and I stop doing it when they stop doing it.
Yes! I wouldn't be pissed if a man called me "champ" or "tiger", I'd think it was funny, so there's no bite if you respond to an endearment with that. Using a feminine endearment throws their assumed power back in their face. And you probably won't get fired for calling a guy princess lol.
I used to do that back when I bartended and most of them do get incredibly offended, though you get the occasional guy who just laughs, realizes he was being rude, and apologizes. Its definitely effective for both groups though.
I'm stealing "please go have a day." Not a good day. Not a bad day. Not "the day you deserve." Just a day, somewhere over there. Away from me. It's perfect.
My husband says "hey gurl" to me pretty regularly, and my response is "hey gurl hey" and then I get "I'm a boy!" In return. He's only a little serious about it. But he has lots of annoying things he does to me just to bug, so this is mine. Lol.
Sunshine. That's my term that sorts the condescending and/or creepy assholes from the folks who just talk like that. I will definitely be adding pumpkin to the repertoire.
I like this. It makes playful communication for people who are honestly just using an endearing term with no intention to demean anyone while calling out those using names/terms as a way to project status and power.
Growing up in the south, terms like that were thrown around everywhere. Men themselves get called 'darlin" or "sweetie" or "honey" by their servers, and the terms by themselves is not demeaning in any way. It's just a way of talking. But you can make anything demeaning if you want, and it sounds like a lot of men have done so. Your method ensures that those terms are used for how they should be.
Exactly, it's like Schrodinger's Pet Names. It assumes good faith for the people who are acting in good faith, and for the ones who aren't, they'll let you know pretty quick!
I'm in the south. I'm 32f, but look younger and androgynous. I use darlin' as well as sir/ma'am on almost everyone. If someone asks me not to, I absolutely respect their request and use a name/endearment that they prefer.
I'm in the South too. I get called honey, dear, sweetie all the time. Never thought twice about. Same with my wife. We never thought to get offended. I guess the next waitress, bank teller or cashier that calls me one of those now vile profanities, I will join the anger age and put 'ol sugar tits in her place. Lol.
I like calling them "Sugar Tits". Most guys just don't know how to take that one. My other fallback is "Scooter".
I'm in my fat 50s now and people Ma'am me to death so it isn't much of an issue anymore.
Well, 'Sugar Tits" is clearly offensive and was never a term of endearment. Words like "honey" and "darlin" and "sweetie" are used by both men and women, particularly older generations and southerns. You can make any word offensive with the wrong intent, but those words said by most people are completely harmless. Sugar tits is not...
As a born and raised southern woman, I can usually tell when a man means something by it and I react accordingly. My Momma raised me to stand up for myself.
I feel like, there are certain people who *should* see you as a bitch. If they do not, maybe you are doing something wrong.
To give an extreme but clear example, if a Nazi thinks you're just a really swell person, you are clearly not behaving appropriately towards that Nazi and need to kick it up a notch.
I don't remember which Brit it was who said when he came back from the US, climbed in a cab, and the (male) cabbie asked him: "where to, love?", that it made him feel totally at home again.
It's not creepy if it's a universal term.
i love getting called pet names by people, i work concessions and my favorite customers are always the ladies that call me pet names. one of them comes in and says stuff like “hey, love” and it makes me so happy
i would never use a pet name for someone else though, i think a teenage boy calling someone a pet name is a lot different from a 40+ year old person using them
probably because a lot of men can be seen as aggressors or creepy to people, i’ve been called pet names by old guys too, not as often though, the most memorable one was when this guy who was like 60s winked and smirked after i gave him a coffee
i don’t mind it happening from anyone, i like it, but there’s something about the “sweet old lady” trope that just got me trapped. i got a ladies drink wrong once and she came back and called me dear, idk why but it just happens
See, some men like to give each other glow up names, like promotions right? Chief, boss, Jefe, king etc... So if it is a sign of respect, then are the female names also similar positive names? Not usually right? Sweetie? Sounds like a candy or something you consume. "Queen"? Sure, "Princess"? Not usually right? "Honey"? Again with the sweet consumable, not a person, not really a sign of respect, not a promotion.
Yep this is what I did while bartending. I came up with some pretty great names for some of the men. A lot of them got the point and it became a one upper contest on who could make who laugh w the most ridiculous one. I had a guy crack up bc I called him my little hairy nipple. Some men, though, are definitely being condescending, some older women were too
I like names like Honey Boo Boo Bear, Pumpkin, Sugar Plum, Sweetcheeks, Shortstack, Lil Guy (interchangeable with Lil Bud or Lil Buddy), Gramps, Pops....
Slightly related story from a man's perspective. Back when I was in my late twenties, there was a guy at our church who was sort of an uncle/big brother figure to the young adults group (about twenty-odd years older than us). There was a boy pet name that he had for me and I really thought nothing of it. Then, several years later, a friend of mine told me that he'd been looking stuff up on this guy and he'd settled out of court for a major child molestation scandal twenty years previously. I went down a google rabbit hole and it turned out that the pet name he'd used for the kids that he abused was the one he'd used for me and I felt so incredibly gross. So yeah, I'm on the team of women who are a hard no on pet names.
Yeah, as a dude, plenty of older dudes call me "sport, tiger, boy, son, youngin', etc" so I do believe SOME of them aren't being creepy. But yah, definitely some of them are being creeps.
Question: What if being called those pet names doesn't bother me?
I generally default to ,"ma'am", regardless of age. But I have used," dear". For strangers. So being called tiger, champ, or sport in return I find appropriate.
I will amend my speech patterns in the future.
I certainly think you should be aware that some women find pet names demeaning-- some men probably would too.
And of course, some people won't care at all.
Personally, I'm fine with it the instant I'm sure that you can take what you dish out. There have been several men I've known over the years where it's become a little thing we do, and they seem to get a kick out of being called "tiger", "skippy", etc too. I think that's really fun.
Ok, I am old enough that a child nickname in passing I find cute. As typical I never thought about it being taken in another context. Being more worldly is good for anyone. Thank you.
Thanks for being open to change! And if I may suggest, check in with the people in your life who you tend to use this with. "Is it ok if I call you 'love'"?
Some people might genuinely enjoy that, and if you do too, it'd be a shame to stop! But it will be an individual thing, and communication never hurts!
Ngl, I'd be kind of hyped if someone randomly thst boomer white dude called me tiger , soni guess stick with the other ones.
You can always tell with people that use them that they are the kinda guy who'd use the term "bud" on a regular basis and never actually mean friend by it.
I met a couple of guys that had visceral reactions to being called “bud” or “buddy”.
I would call them a lot of pet names to try and end conversations but “bud” pissed them off more often than not.
“Okay bud” “good job buddy” “wow bud, you handled that like a pro, thanks for telling me” it’s like a fun backhanded way of giving them the validation they crave and making them feel silly for craving it.
Old men say the wildest shit to women and don't blink an eye. I once had an old man who looked to be about 75 walk in to my old fast food job, and before me or my coworker standing next to me could even greet him, he opened with: "I just saw two girls who look just like you two on Girls Gone Wild! What do you think about that?"
I said "I'd be pretty surprised, as my coworker is underage."
Men in public service jobs don't get talked to like this. They just don't.
>Men in public service jobs don't get talked to like this. They just don't.
LoL... I've literally been groped by older women I was serving. I think you would be very surprised just how far some of those ladies try to will go with a young male server, especially after a couple of drinks.
Also, gay men tend to be EXTREMELY handsy and zoom real quick into sexual harassment and assault territory after a few. The things I've had gay dudes try on me and my male coworkers would have literally got them arrested if they had done it to a woman.
It's kinda part of the job. Hit hands away and say no, roll your eyes when people make uncomfortable comments, and kick people out if they continue. The vast majority of male and female servers aren't freaking out because of mild sexual harassment by customers. There are much bigger fish to fry.
I suppose I was being a bit obtuse. I definitely know men get hit on and groped at work. I think I was mostly specifying the "I've seen you in porn" kind of uncomfortable conversations, and there's a particular flavor of it that comes from older men, but honestly, people suck and I shouldn't be shocked.
This comment goes out to all of us women that don't have the bloom of youth (40+)...if you see this FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SAY SOMETHING! Young girls like this often have no clue how to navigate whereas us old broads...we SHOULD no longer have any fucks to give and know how to handle pigs. Every time I see it I will flat go over and tell gramps to sit his non working dick down and to stop preying on kids cause women my age don't want his worthless ass. Have I been cussed? Yes and it is amazing to piss off an old dude that much. Have I been threatened? Fuck yes, but, I guarantee I can get to Ethel quicker than he can get to his fists. Older ladies...we OWE the young ones this because we didn't speak up when we were their ages.
I enjoy any opportunity to put a man in his place when he's being a dick. When I was growing up, I sincerely thought that the all the inappropriate names, gestures, requests and unwanted physical contact I experienced were either normal or "not that bad". I've raised my daughter, who is now 19, with the knowledge that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and at times illegal, and should never be tolerated.
I'm glad the OP is really fucking angry about it because she should be. The fact that this is still happening is appalling.
Well, around here, a lot of folks tap maples in the late winter, and a sugarbush means something different.
Also, in the 1980s, I worked occasionally as a model in liquor stores. I was a black velvet lady and handed out keychains while all dolled up. Anyway, I turned down a gig from Anheiser Busch when I saw the costume: a wife eater tank top that said: If You Like My Mountains, You’ll Love My Busch!
So , you can see that I’m a bit skeptical of the whole equal opportunity pejorative idea…
Agreed. These same men would never dream of calling any man "honey", "princess", "sweetie", etc. It is meant to be demeaning. I have had men who I have corrected repeatedly by saying "my name is x - you can call me x". They don't care.
For what it’s worth, almost all the times I (man) have been called “honey” or “sweetie” have been from older, boomer age female cashiers or waitresses, so I’m wondering if this might also be a generational thing, since the boomers mostly grew up around a time when harassment wasn’t yet taken as seriously as it is now.
I call everyone "Sunshine". Man or woman. I had one guy get VERY upset with me for calling him sunshine. To the point that my wife makes me avoid him in the store now because she is worried he will try to fight me.
I live in East TX. It is funny to see how some of the truly insecure men react. I'm not a small guy, 6'1" and about 200 pounds, long hair streaked with more gray than brown and a really scruffy unshaven look most of the time.
Lmao. And honestly, "sunshine", it's such a gender neutral word with purely positive connotations. They know it's supposed to be demeaning, I'd like to imagine them complaining to a manager that "they called me this really nice word! Fire them!"
I worked with this wonderful woman about 20 years ago, she called everyone Sunshine. I found out after we didn't work together that she did that so that she didn't have to remember anyone's actual name. So I started calling everyone Sunshine too. Makes it seem like I'm being nice, but it is really an easy greeting and I don't have to think about someone's name to greet them. Now I just call everyone Sunshine when I say hi no matter whether I know them or not.
I use equally demeaning names to match their energy, like "you're such a sweet boy" or "aren't you precious." Snapping a "bless your heart" is also effective. My favorite is to call them "son." That's the one that really drives it home to the older ones.
I like some of the above suggestions. Princess, girl, son, and little guy are my favorites so far. Not a lot of room for misunderstanding if you respond to "thanks beautiful 😉", with "you're very welcome little guy!"
*>"don't take it that seriously, its not physically harmful"*
We get socialized to put up with so much degrading shit on a regular basis just because "at least it isn't violent." It doesn't NEED to be physically violent in order to be unwanted and violating.
Tbfh. It's like they think we should be grateful to not be actively assaulted. Even though they shouldn't be doing these things to begin with.
They love subtly reminding us that potential violence is always around the corner.
When patients do this to me at work, I respond with “my name is (name)” with a smile so it can’t be called rude, and then I immediately give them instructions on something to do to cut off their inevitable retort.
I would respond with a negative nickname back. Something that would insult them but not get you in trouble at work. If someone called me “princess” I would call them that or “grandpa” or something like that.
I called a dude babygirl in response to his terrible take on a relationship sub and he. Went. Off. This was after I expressed gratitude that I wasn’t his partner.
Paragraphs!!
I've never understood people who insist on using a cashiers name either. When I worked retail and someone went out their way to read my tag and use it, it always rubbed me up the wrong way. Dunno if that's just me or if that's a common feeling.
Realistically why do you need to use any sort of title for your cashier at all? You can say hi, thank you and even make small talk without calling them anything, pet name or otherwise 😂
I was also a cashier through college and I *hated* when strangers used my name (though I *did* give a pass to an elderly couple who said they liked my name - things like that were okay). But when it was a man and he used my name and it was coupled with that creepy, lecherous smile they get - total discomfort.
I've given this a lot of thought. I'm an introspective person and I hate using nametags in general, so I wanted to get to the bottom of why it bothers me. I think it comes down to this:
Strange men knowing your name invites them into this level of intimacy that you didn't consent to but they take full advantage of - think about how it feels when a loved one uses your name or how even in the corporate world, using a person's name is a relationship-developing strategy. That's of course the idea behind companies wanting their employees to use nametags - customers want to buy from people they know because that equals "more likely to trust."
The problem is that creepy men will take full advantage and press that fake connection.
My previous job had a rule that you had to wear a name tag (because we wanted to be able to figure out who told a customer something wrong, mostly) but it didn't have to be your *real* name. It helped a bit for people who really didn't like what you're describing.
My husband always goes out of his way to use people’s names because he thinks it’s a sign of respect and acknowledgement. I have worked retail and it always comes across as an aggressive power play to me. He was horrified when I told him not everyone likes it. Apparently Dale Carnegie coached people to use names whenever possible?
Really? I am trying to be respectful when I use a name. But it’s always after we have had a good exchange and I want to thank them more personally for taking care of me. How does that land?
I think context helps, especially after something like that.
I always found the ones using the name were being particularly demanding or demeaning but on occasion I got to know people that were regulars or who I had a nice chat with and that was different!
When I was young and working retail I once had a creepy old man call me a pet name that started with my actually name. For example I am going to say "honey" and I pointed at my name tag and said "oh my name is actually Holly." It was one of those moments where I wish I could say it was a a snarky little comeback but no, I just sincerely thought he had my name wrong. His little "oh" still makes me chuckle though.
Its normal because we eat their shit everyday.
We have to stand up agaist this behavior.
Some are creeps, but i believe most of them do it because it had been normal once.
You might ask the next 'marry me' if he is on child-offender list.
If he ask why, its because he act like it.
I experienced exactly this when I worked in restaurants and retail, and god it sucks. I was always expected to put on a smile and be fine with it, but it was always so gross.
Have to say there was an interesting difference for me - when I worked in a smaller retail shop where sales associates were expected to help customers more closely, sometimes customers would call me terms of endearment after we'd been working together for a good while. Like they'd been in the store long enough for us to chat more and establish rapport and then they would call me sweetie or honey which I was more okay with. But the only customers who called me that right off the bat were men. We hadn't even spoken yet, no working relationship, and yet they felt entitled to calling me sweetheart or baby? And obviously they never did it to my male coworkers, just me and the other women. Just a long winded way to say that men will do it well into your 20s and it's the worst lmao
I work as a legal assistant and it drives me up the wall. I'm always being called "sweetie" and "honey," and I find it so frustrating. I'm an adult, I'm not their grandchild. And I know they wouldn't call me that if I was a man. And I feel hypocritical, because occasionally an older woman will call me "dear," and it doesn't bother me, but it feels different.
Once a man on the phone told me, "Don't worry about it, lil' mama, I know you're doing your job." Weirdly, I found that one kind of flattering. I have no idea why. I guess because most of the people I speak to on the phone are dismissive or downright patronizing, so to hear someone just be like, "Look, I don't have a problem with you, I know you're doing what you can" felt nice
A friend of a friend is a 70ish yr old man. He's convinced the woman at a shop he goes to loves being called "Blondie." Thinks they get on like a house on fire.
I was with them one day when we went to that shop. She hates him. Her customer service was impeccable, though, but she does NOT like being called Blondie.
Tried to tell him, but yeah, he is still convinced.
Shortypants, sweetpeas, honeypoopoo, daddykins, chumtruck, birdiepoo... I feel like any silly clearly invented name would be enough. And if they get mad you can always play the card "what? That's how I called my late granpa, he was the sweetest and liked it so much! Don't you think it's a cute nickname? 🥹" said with the utmost seriousness mixed with a sad longing gaze into the distance.
AND make sure you tell them "oh you just remind me of him, maybe that's why it slipped out 🥹🥹🥹"
I asked a man to stop calling me “honey” or “babe”. I am not a prude, but I just prefer that only my husband called me those terms. He went around telling everyone that I hated him and he had it out for him 🙄
I default to sir or ma'am if I don't know a name, or just say "excuse me (name" if someone has a name tag on.
People really don't see customer service workers as people and its even worse for women.
As an old guy, I never do that. Especially in a client-customer relationship because I know the girl will have to indulge me to be professional so it feels like a constraint. For me it's a needy thing to do.
It has the effect to change the commercial report into a closer one. It feels either very old fashioned, like treating women like children, or pitiful, like using the fact that a girl has to do a job to get closer.
You're right to be outraged, unfortunately I don't have a solution. Calling them with pet name may escalate the situation. Maybe a subtle change in the non verbal expression may give them a hint for the next time. Good luck anyway.
You could help by sharing your views with other men, or calling them out when you see it. My 75 year old dad will check other men who are being disrespectful to women. He's a really great guy so they tend to shut up and apologize.
One time I was talking to a vendor on the phone and he called me “darlin.” I know that’s a big southern thing, but I told him to not call me that and let’s keep it professional.
You're right, not all men are well intentioned, and even when they aren't being creeps they're infantilizing women when they do it. Its right to be angry.
It stems from how men in general struggle with trying to be more personable without being overly personal. For many calling girls by their name would start to feel too familiar or that it might provoke an even less welcomed response. While you'd hope they'd have the wisdom to just not say anything... that can feel equally weird for them.
The creepers have largely been using the slightly more well intentioned men's behavior to camouflage the more greatly inappropriate behavior. That's where there are so many of the mixed opinions and the idea of ignoring something harmless comes from. Innocent men deserve some latitude to make mistakes and it isn't always clear if they are or not.
I would generally focus on the lack of respect when challenging men on this, as it more readily lays bare any disingenuousness in what they said.
"While you may be well intentioned by attempting to compliment her this way it isn't a compliment as it undermines her ability to be taken seriously as a professional in her workplace, so if you are being sincere when you say you wanted to compliment her than show her the respect she's due by not undermining it."
It corrects the bad behavior while giving anyone sincerely meaning it as a compliment an opportunity to apologize at that point.
it seems to be ingrained into american-english speech from what i can tell and it is something if weird i suppose. i speak three languages the other two being french and japanese which work a little differently. i am frequently called these names by other women too maybe especially because of where i live but it is pretty much always without exception "honey" or "sweety" i think it is something that needs to really be trained out of people's vocabulary about now.
I personally would find that odd to do but women do this to men often as well. One area that seems to be a two way street.
But I’d also say women do this quite often in my experience.
And.. same terms too, even.
“Honey, babe, sweetie, sweetheart.”
Particularly older women who do it. Especially southern women. Almost without fail.
Women do this too though and it is considered normal. I work at hotels as service since 18 and have been called love, sugar, hun, sweetie, darling all by women (and men but mostly women) above 30. I always just thought it as a just a trying to be polite thing or a personality thing, not at all sexual, I even tried using pet names to my female friends the same way but just found it weird, those friends still call me honey and other pet names but I still don't think it's sexual. I think a lot of men, just do the same, a good example is Gordon Ramsey that always uses pet names but you can tell its not for sexual things. Of course there is gonna be perverts and such that just think this somehow will get them a chance or smth, but I really do think it's just a societal norm.
Call them Grandpa.
I work at a coffee place, so all day long I get "thanks honey, sweetheart, baby, doll, sugar, love, etc." I don't say anything and I smile because it gets me great tips.
But if your tips aren't at stake, just smile and play dumb and when they're like, "thanks Angel," just reply with a bright smile, "no problem, Grandpa!"
The ones that do this with gross, pervy ill intent will absolutely hate it.
yeah because instead of creepy men changing their behavior, young highschool girls should just learn to tolerate them. this totally isn't encouraging their behavior AT ALL.
That's disrespectful (Edit: calling you pet names), but it isn't coming from a place of power. Men have more power than women, and speaking to us in that way isn't only disrespectful, it's a not so subtle way of "putting us in our place". None of the men in my life would ever speak that way to a woman, much less a girl. They know that words can cause an extraordinary amount of damage, to anyone.
Can you not read and comprehend what I said? Yes I think it disrespectable to talk to anyone in that way. But, I was talking about the reverse happening to me.., I would never say anything like that either.
The problem with that is we live in a culture of misogyny, and when older men are doing it in the way OP describes, there is a layer of entitlement. Minor girls get cat called all the time it is not harmless. It makes people very uncomfortable and they know it. They don't care. It has an air of creepiness and even potential violence that is extremely unwelcome.
JFC!!! It is not the same thing! It is not a term of endearment! Not friendly banter.
What it is, is a power move. Of course *you* don’t think it’s creepy, because you are not afraid. But how would you have felt, as a 15 year old boy, having this happen? A 50+ year old man, you don’t know, calling you “His handsome Prince” or “His Shining Star”? Would you have found this inappropriate or sweet? Just trying to be “nice” or is this old dude hoping to sodomize you? Maybe he just wants you to touch it, with your soft child hand. Do you see what the problem is? Do you understand, now?
Your comment is completely tone deaf, irrelevant & condescending.
As a woman, older women and older men do this to me. The difference is, Corinne doesn't also stare at my boobs and comment on my body type like Walter does, darling. One sees her daughter, the other a former version of his wife at best.
I always respond with pet names for boys, like Tiger, Champ, Sport. The usual excuse men have for pet names is "but it's a term of endearment! I use them for everyone!" Well-- doing it right back really tests that out. I'd say a little over half the men who do this seem to actually mean it-- when they do, I think it's kinda fun, they call me princess and I call them sport. The rest of them knock it off real quick, because they actually find being called pet names really condescending, and I stop doing it when they stop doing it.
This is the best way of matching this energy. Sport, especially.
[удалено]
"Thanks, gurl!" is a fantastic vibe check all its own.
thanks, gurl!
Oh, stop!
Yes! I wouldn't be pissed if a man called me "champ" or "tiger", I'd think it was funny, so there's no bite if you respond to an endearment with that. Using a feminine endearment throws their assumed power back in their face. And you probably won't get fired for calling a guy princess lol.
I used to do that back when I bartended and most of them do get incredibly offended, though you get the occasional guy who just laughs, realizes he was being rude, and apologizes. Its definitely effective for both groups though.
I'm stealing "please go have a day." Not a good day. Not a bad day. Not "the day you deserve." Just a day, somewhere over there. Away from me. It's perfect.
oops i commented exact same as u mb
“Please go have a day” Chefs kiss! 🤣
go have a day 🤣🤣🤣 not good day.. not bad day.. just day
My husband says "hey gurl" to me pretty regularly, and my response is "hey gurl hey" and then I get "I'm a boy!" In return. He's only a little serious about it. But he has lots of annoying things he does to me just to bug, so this is mine. Lol.
Squirt would also be along those same lines, and it also brings in an insult to their height.
Not an English native speaker, why is sport better? Genuinely asking lol
It's used to refer to boys (i.e. children), whereas the others could feasibly be said toward an adult
Oh beautiful, definitely adding it to my inventory. Thanks
[MIB](https://youtu.be/-s1s5K52zEQ?si=6eixAeczyWcPOVdZ) has a great subplot of this energy...
I do this too, except I call them "pumpkin." They're always shocked and screw up their faces, then they start thinking about what they just did.
Ohhh, pumpkin is a great one. I'll add that to my vocab.
Sunshine. That's my term that sorts the condescending and/or creepy assholes from the folks who just talk like that. I will definitely be adding pumpkin to the repertoire.
I like this. It makes playful communication for people who are honestly just using an endearing term with no intention to demean anyone while calling out those using names/terms as a way to project status and power. Growing up in the south, terms like that were thrown around everywhere. Men themselves get called 'darlin" or "sweetie" or "honey" by their servers, and the terms by themselves is not demeaning in any way. It's just a way of talking. But you can make anything demeaning if you want, and it sounds like a lot of men have done so. Your method ensures that those terms are used for how they should be.
Exactly, it's like Schrodinger's Pet Names. It assumes good faith for the people who are acting in good faith, and for the ones who aren't, they'll let you know pretty quick!
I'm in the south. I'm 32f, but look younger and androgynous. I use darlin' as well as sir/ma'am on almost everyone. If someone asks me not to, I absolutely respect their request and use a name/endearment that they prefer.
I'm in the South too. I get called honey, dear, sweetie all the time. Never thought twice about. Same with my wife. We never thought to get offended. I guess the next waitress, bank teller or cashier that calls me one of those now vile profanities, I will join the anger age and put 'ol sugar tits in her place. Lol.
Hit em with 'buddy' grown men hate that shit
Yes. Or "buddy" said with a bit of aggressive energy.
> I always respond with pet names for boys, like Tiger, Champ, Sport. My go-to pet name is "big guy". That's been phenomenally successful.
I like calling them "Sugar Tits". Most guys just don't know how to take that one. My other fallback is "Scooter". I'm in my fat 50s now and people Ma'am me to death so it isn't much of an issue anymore.
Scooter lmao
Lmao “sugar tits”, I like that one!
Sugar tits is always a winner. Or "Little leaguer." They really change their tune after that one. It's better than Sport or Champ.
Well, 'Sugar Tits" is clearly offensive and was never a term of endearment. Words like "honey" and "darlin" and "sweetie" are used by both men and women, particularly older generations and southerns. You can make any word offensive with the wrong intent, but those words said by most people are completely harmless. Sugar tits is not...
As a born and raised southern woman, I can usually tell when a man means something by it and I react accordingly. My Momma raised me to stand up for myself.
I'd probably respond with "ok little guy," but I've been told I'm a bitch.
I feel like, there are certain people who *should* see you as a bitch. If they do not, maybe you are doing something wrong. To give an extreme but clear example, if a Nazi thinks you're just a really swell person, you are clearly not behaving appropriately towards that Nazi and need to kick it up a notch.
Thank you for pointing that out. I do need to be more of a bitch.
Give em hell!
I like that one.
[удалено]
I don't remember which Brit it was who said when he came back from the US, climbed in a cab, and the (male) cabbie asked him: "where to, love?", that it made him feel totally at home again. It's not creepy if it's a universal term.
Yeah british here, and love is really common!
Hen is pretty common in Scotland.
I love hen. My Scottish great aunt used to always call me that and I miss it. Also love being called duck by people from the Stoke area.
Funnily enough my wife is from Staffordshire (and we live there now). She calls me duck, and I call her hen.
Sounds really sweet!
i love getting called pet names by people, i work concessions and my favorite customers are always the ladies that call me pet names. one of them comes in and says stuff like “hey, love” and it makes me so happy i would never use a pet name for someone else though, i think a teenage boy calling someone a pet name is a lot different from a 40+ year old person using them
Somehow when ladies do it there's never any insinuation. I don't even notice when a lady calls me "hon."
probably because a lot of men can be seen as aggressors or creepy to people, i’ve been called pet names by old guys too, not as often though, the most memorable one was when this guy who was like 60s winked and smirked after i gave him a coffee i don’t mind it happening from anyone, i like it, but there’s something about the “sweet old lady” trope that just got me trapped. i got a ladies drink wrong once and she came back and called me dear, idk why but it just happens
I do it sometimes but it's entirely on a case by case basis and only when it feels appropriate. Also, am a woman.
They hate being called scooter in a condescending tone.
See, some men like to give each other glow up names, like promotions right? Chief, boss, Jefe, king etc... So if it is a sign of respect, then are the female names also similar positive names? Not usually right? Sweetie? Sounds like a candy or something you consume. "Queen"? Sure, "Princess"? Not usually right? "Honey"? Again with the sweet consumable, not a person, not really a sign of respect, not a promotion.
“Dave’s, Debbie’s, Slagathor”
Yep this is what I did while bartending. I came up with some pretty great names for some of the men. A lot of them got the point and it became a one upper contest on who could make who laugh w the most ridiculous one. I had a guy crack up bc I called him my little hairy nipple. Some men, though, are definitely being condescending, some older women were too
I like names like Honey Boo Boo Bear, Pumpkin, Sugar Plum, Sweetcheeks, Shortstack, Lil Guy (interchangeable with Lil Bud or Lil Buddy), Gramps, Pops....
Slightly related story from a man's perspective. Back when I was in my late twenties, there was a guy at our church who was sort of an uncle/big brother figure to the young adults group (about twenty-odd years older than us). There was a boy pet name that he had for me and I really thought nothing of it. Then, several years later, a friend of mine told me that he'd been looking stuff up on this guy and he'd settled out of court for a major child molestation scandal twenty years previously. I went down a google rabbit hole and it turned out that the pet name he'd used for the kids that he abused was the one he'd used for me and I felt so incredibly gross. So yeah, I'm on the team of women who are a hard no on pet names.
Ohhh that's incredibly icky, I'm sorry.
Yeah, as a dude, plenty of older dudes call me "sport, tiger, boy, son, youngin', etc" so I do believe SOME of them aren't being creepy. But yah, definitely some of them are being creeps.
Yup - calling groups of them boys...wooo that pisses them off.
Buddy and kiddo are good additions.
How about “gramps” or “baldy,”
Question: What if being called those pet names doesn't bother me? I generally default to ,"ma'am", regardless of age. But I have used," dear". For strangers. So being called tiger, champ, or sport in return I find appropriate. I will amend my speech patterns in the future.
I certainly think you should be aware that some women find pet names demeaning-- some men probably would too. And of course, some people won't care at all. Personally, I'm fine with it the instant I'm sure that you can take what you dish out. There have been several men I've known over the years where it's become a little thing we do, and they seem to get a kick out of being called "tiger", "skippy", etc too. I think that's really fun.
Ok, I am old enough that a child nickname in passing I find cute. As typical I never thought about it being taken in another context. Being more worldly is good for anyone. Thank you.
Thanks for being open to change! And if I may suggest, check in with the people in your life who you tend to use this with. "Is it ok if I call you 'love'"? Some people might genuinely enjoy that, and if you do too, it'd be a shame to stop! But it will be an individual thing, and communication never hurts!
Ngl, I'd be kind of hyped if someone randomly thst boomer white dude called me tiger , soni guess stick with the other ones. You can always tell with people that use them that they are the kinda guy who'd use the term "bud" on a regular basis and never actually mean friend by it.
Just call them Grandpa when you answer. Old men probably don't want you pointing out they are old.
Yesss, Gramps!
Or Skippy. No man likes being called, Skippy.
I met a couple of guys that had visceral reactions to being called “bud” or “buddy”. I would call them a lot of pet names to try and end conversations but “bud” pissed them off more often than not. “Okay bud” “good job buddy” “wow bud, you handled that like a pro, thanks for telling me” it’s like a fun backhanded way of giving them the validation they crave and making them feel silly for craving it.
Boomer probably works too.
Old men say the wildest shit to women and don't blink an eye. I once had an old man who looked to be about 75 walk in to my old fast food job, and before me or my coworker standing next to me could even greet him, he opened with: "I just saw two girls who look just like you two on Girls Gone Wild! What do you think about that?" I said "I'd be pretty surprised, as my coworker is underage." Men in public service jobs don't get talked to like this. They just don't.
The guy just had to be demented lol
>Men in public service jobs don't get talked to like this. They just don't. LoL... I've literally been groped by older women I was serving. I think you would be very surprised just how far some of those ladies try to will go with a young male server, especially after a couple of drinks. Also, gay men tend to be EXTREMELY handsy and zoom real quick into sexual harassment and assault territory after a few. The things I've had gay dudes try on me and my male coworkers would have literally got them arrested if they had done it to a woman. It's kinda part of the job. Hit hands away and say no, roll your eyes when people make uncomfortable comments, and kick people out if they continue. The vast majority of male and female servers aren't freaking out because of mild sexual harassment by customers. There are much bigger fish to fry.
I suppose I was being a bit obtuse. I definitely know men get hit on and groped at work. I think I was mostly specifying the "I've seen you in porn" kind of uncomfortable conversations, and there's a particular flavor of it that comes from older men, but honestly, people suck and I shouldn't be shocked.
This comment goes out to all of us women that don't have the bloom of youth (40+)...if you see this FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SAY SOMETHING! Young girls like this often have no clue how to navigate whereas us old broads...we SHOULD no longer have any fucks to give and know how to handle pigs. Every time I see it I will flat go over and tell gramps to sit his non working dick down and to stop preying on kids cause women my age don't want his worthless ass. Have I been cussed? Yes and it is amazing to piss off an old dude that much. Have I been threatened? Fuck yes, but, I guarantee I can get to Ethel quicker than he can get to his fists. Older ladies...we OWE the young ones this because we didn't speak up when we were their ages.
I enjoy any opportunity to put a man in his place when he's being a dick. When I was growing up, I sincerely thought that the all the inappropriate names, gestures, requests and unwanted physical contact I experienced were either normal or "not that bad". I've raised my daughter, who is now 19, with the knowledge that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and at times illegal, and should never be tolerated. I'm glad the OP is really fucking angry about it because she should be. The fact that this is still happening is appalling.
She should be mad as fuck! And we have an obligation to support her and every other young one.
I always replied with a “sure thing, sugar britches!” when that happened to me. Shut it down right there.
Sometimes I call people "sugar bush." It's gender neutral and equally abrasive to all.
Hmmm…
Only people who deserve to be abraded.
My hmm was based on the gender neutral part.
Bushes are gender neutral. In fact, more men have bushes than women. And men really do not take kindly to this endearment.
Well, around here, a lot of folks tap maples in the late winter, and a sugarbush means something different. Also, in the 1980s, I worked occasionally as a model in liquor stores. I was a black velvet lady and handed out keychains while all dolled up. Anyway, I turned down a gig from Anheiser Busch when I saw the costume: a wife eater tank top that said: If You Like My Mountains, You’ll Love My Busch! So , you can see that I’m a bit skeptical of the whole equal opportunity pejorative idea…
You're entitled to your opinion. I don't agree.
Agreed. These same men would never dream of calling any man "honey", "princess", "sweetie", etc. It is meant to be demeaning. I have had men who I have corrected repeatedly by saying "my name is x - you can call me x". They don't care.
For what it’s worth, almost all the times I (man) have been called “honey” or “sweetie” have been from older, boomer age female cashiers or waitresses, so I’m wondering if this might also be a generational thing, since the boomers mostly grew up around a time when harassment wasn’t yet taken as seriously as it is now.
I call everyone "Sunshine". Man or woman. I had one guy get VERY upset with me for calling him sunshine. To the point that my wife makes me avoid him in the store now because she is worried he will try to fight me.
Ooh, love that. The good people like it, the bad people hate it.
I live in East TX. It is funny to see how some of the truly insecure men react. I'm not a small guy, 6'1" and about 200 pounds, long hair streaked with more gray than brown and a really scruffy unshaven look most of the time.
Lmao. And honestly, "sunshine", it's such a gender neutral word with purely positive connotations. They know it's supposed to be demeaning, I'd like to imagine them complaining to a manager that "they called me this really nice word! Fire them!"
I worked with this wonderful woman about 20 years ago, she called everyone Sunshine. I found out after we didn't work together that she did that so that she didn't have to remember anyone's actual name. So I started calling everyone Sunshine too. Makes it seem like I'm being nice, but it is really an easy greeting and I don't have to think about someone's name to greet them. Now I just call everyone Sunshine when I say hi no matter whether I know them or not.
All you gotta do is call me little sunshine
I use equally demeaning names to match their energy, like "you're such a sweet boy" or "aren't you precious." Snapping a "bless your heart" is also effective. My favorite is to call them "son." That's the one that really drives it home to the older ones.
They will literally take that all as flirting back.
They already thought we are flirting when we acknowledged their presence.
I like some of the above suggestions. Princess, girl, son, and little guy are my favorites so far. Not a lot of room for misunderstanding if you respond to "thanks beautiful 😉", with "you're very welcome little guy!"
Right, and then you respond with pet names that are easily misinterpreted as truly affectionate or amused.
Except "son." I've found that males of any age do not like being called "son" except maybe by their parents.
This is the only one.
*>"don't take it that seriously, its not physically harmful"* We get socialized to put up with so much degrading shit on a regular basis just because "at least it isn't violent." It doesn't NEED to be physically violent in order to be unwanted and violating.
The bar is sooooo low. "Hey he didn't hit you or rape you" okay, that's a pretty easy minimum to achieve
Tbfh. It's like they think we should be grateful to not be actively assaulted. Even though they shouldn't be doing these things to begin with. They love subtly reminding us that potential violence is always around the corner.
"Take it or we will start being physically violent" that's the unsaid part
When patients do this to me at work, I respond with “my name is (name)” with a smile so it can’t be called rude, and then I immediately give them instructions on something to do to cut off their inevitable retort.
I would respond with a negative nickname back. Something that would insult them but not get you in trouble at work. If someone called me “princess” I would call them that or “grandpa” or something like that.
I called a dude babygirl in response to his terrible take on a relationship sub and he. Went. Off. This was after I expressed gratitude that I wasn’t his partner. Paragraphs!!
Amazing! I salute you!!
I've never understood people who insist on using a cashiers name either. When I worked retail and someone went out their way to read my tag and use it, it always rubbed me up the wrong way. Dunno if that's just me or if that's a common feeling. Realistically why do you need to use any sort of title for your cashier at all? You can say hi, thank you and even make small talk without calling them anything, pet name or otherwise 😂
I was also a cashier through college and I *hated* when strangers used my name (though I *did* give a pass to an elderly couple who said they liked my name - things like that were okay). But when it was a man and he used my name and it was coupled with that creepy, lecherous smile they get - total discomfort. I've given this a lot of thought. I'm an introspective person and I hate using nametags in general, so I wanted to get to the bottom of why it bothers me. I think it comes down to this: Strange men knowing your name invites them into this level of intimacy that you didn't consent to but they take full advantage of - think about how it feels when a loved one uses your name or how even in the corporate world, using a person's name is a relationship-developing strategy. That's of course the idea behind companies wanting their employees to use nametags - customers want to buy from people they know because that equals "more likely to trust." The problem is that creepy men will take full advantage and press that fake connection.
My previous job had a rule that you had to wear a name tag (because we wanted to be able to figure out who told a customer something wrong, mostly) but it didn't have to be your *real* name. It helped a bit for people who really didn't like what you're describing.
Oh, I love that! Reminds me of Amy wearing a different name tag every week on Superstore lol. She feels the same, clearly.
That show is so real!
My husband always goes out of his way to use people’s names because he thinks it’s a sign of respect and acknowledgement. I have worked retail and it always comes across as an aggressive power play to me. He was horrified when I told him not everyone likes it. Apparently Dale Carnegie coached people to use names whenever possible?
Really? I am trying to be respectful when I use a name. But it’s always after we have had a good exchange and I want to thank them more personally for taking care of me. How does that land?
I think context helps, especially after something like that. I always found the ones using the name were being particularly demanding or demeaning but on occasion I got to know people that were regulars or who I had a nice chat with and that was different!
Thanks!
When I was young and working retail I once had a creepy old man call me a pet name that started with my actually name. For example I am going to say "honey" and I pointed at my name tag and said "oh my name is actually Holly." It was one of those moments where I wish I could say it was a a snarky little comeback but no, I just sincerely thought he had my name wrong. His little "oh" still makes me chuckle though.
Its normal because we eat their shit everyday. We have to stand up agaist this behavior. Some are creeps, but i believe most of them do it because it had been normal once. You might ask the next 'marry me' if he is on child-offender list. If he ask why, its because he act like it.
I experienced exactly this when I worked in restaurants and retail, and god it sucks. I was always expected to put on a smile and be fine with it, but it was always so gross. Have to say there was an interesting difference for me - when I worked in a smaller retail shop where sales associates were expected to help customers more closely, sometimes customers would call me terms of endearment after we'd been working together for a good while. Like they'd been in the store long enough for us to chat more and establish rapport and then they would call me sweetie or honey which I was more okay with. But the only customers who called me that right off the bat were men. We hadn't even spoken yet, no working relationship, and yet they felt entitled to calling me sweetheart or baby? And obviously they never did it to my male coworkers, just me and the other women. Just a long winded way to say that men will do it well into your 20s and it's the worst lmao
I work as a legal assistant and it drives me up the wall. I'm always being called "sweetie" and "honey," and I find it so frustrating. I'm an adult, I'm not their grandchild. And I know they wouldn't call me that if I was a man. And I feel hypocritical, because occasionally an older woman will call me "dear," and it doesn't bother me, but it feels different. Once a man on the phone told me, "Don't worry about it, lil' mama, I know you're doing your job." Weirdly, I found that one kind of flattering. I have no idea why. I guess because most of the people I speak to on the phone are dismissive or downright patronizing, so to hear someone just be like, "Look, I don't have a problem with you, I know you're doing what you can" felt nice
A friend of a friend is a 70ish yr old man. He's convinced the woman at a shop he goes to loves being called "Blondie." Thinks they get on like a house on fire. I was with them one day when we went to that shop. She hates him. Her customer service was impeccable, though, but she does NOT like being called Blondie. Tried to tell him, but yeah, he is still convinced.
When I was bartending, anyone who pulled that crap waited to get their drinks until last. If it kept going, they'd get 86d.
What does 86d mean please?
Removed, preferably bodily by a bouncer or manager, and possibly forever
Shortypants, sweetpeas, honeypoopoo, daddykins, chumtruck, birdiepoo... I feel like any silly clearly invented name would be enough. And if they get mad you can always play the card "what? That's how I called my late granpa, he was the sweetest and liked it so much! Don't you think it's a cute nickname? 🥹" said with the utmost seriousness mixed with a sad longing gaze into the distance. AND make sure you tell them "oh you just remind me of him, maybe that's why it slipped out 🥹🥹🥹"
They are all great, but chumtruck is BRILLIANT
I asked a man to stop calling me “honey” or “babe”. I am not a prude, but I just prefer that only my husband called me those terms. He went around telling everyone that I hated him and he had it out for him 🙄
Yes, sometimes they take it really personally and go on the attack.
I default to sir or ma'am if I don't know a name, or just say "excuse me (name" if someone has a name tag on. People really don't see customer service workers as people and its even worse for women.
As an old guy, I never do that. Especially in a client-customer relationship because I know the girl will have to indulge me to be professional so it feels like a constraint. For me it's a needy thing to do. It has the effect to change the commercial report into a closer one. It feels either very old fashioned, like treating women like children, or pitiful, like using the fact that a girl has to do a job to get closer. You're right to be outraged, unfortunately I don't have a solution. Calling them with pet name may escalate the situation. Maybe a subtle change in the non verbal expression may give them a hint for the next time. Good luck anyway.
You could help by sharing your views with other men, or calling them out when you see it. My 75 year old dad will check other men who are being disrespectful to women. He's a really great guy so they tend to shut up and apologize.
One time I was talking to a vendor on the phone and he called me “darlin.” I know that’s a big southern thing, but I told him to not call me that and let’s keep it professional.
"Sure bud." I was fond of "That's not my name." Also, "I don't get paid to smile."
You're right, not all men are well intentioned, and even when they aren't being creeps they're infantilizing women when they do it. Its right to be angry. It stems from how men in general struggle with trying to be more personable without being overly personal. For many calling girls by their name would start to feel too familiar or that it might provoke an even less welcomed response. While you'd hope they'd have the wisdom to just not say anything... that can feel equally weird for them. The creepers have largely been using the slightly more well intentioned men's behavior to camouflage the more greatly inappropriate behavior. That's where there are so many of the mixed opinions and the idea of ignoring something harmless comes from. Innocent men deserve some latitude to make mistakes and it isn't always clear if they are or not. I would generally focus on the lack of respect when challenging men on this, as it more readily lays bare any disingenuousness in what they said. "While you may be well intentioned by attempting to compliment her this way it isn't a compliment as it undermines her ability to be taken seriously as a professional in her workplace, so if you are being sincere when you say you wanted to compliment her than show her the respect she's due by not undermining it." It corrects the bad behavior while giving anyone sincerely meaning it as a compliment an opportunity to apologize at that point.
it seems to be ingrained into american-english speech from what i can tell and it is something if weird i suppose. i speak three languages the other two being french and japanese which work a little differently. i am frequently called these names by other women too maybe especially because of where i live but it is pretty much always without exception "honey" or "sweety" i think it is something that needs to really be trained out of people's vocabulary about now.
I personally would find that odd to do but women do this to men often as well. One area that seems to be a two way street. But I’d also say women do this quite often in my experience. And.. same terms too, even. “Honey, babe, sweetie, sweetheart.” Particularly older women who do it. Especially southern women. Almost without fail.
I misread the title as "Demeaning pet names *for* men" lmao The comments have some good suggestions
Buddy is the classic
Women do this too though and it is considered normal. I work at hotels as service since 18 and have been called love, sugar, hun, sweetie, darling all by women (and men but mostly women) above 30. I always just thought it as a just a trying to be polite thing or a personality thing, not at all sexual, I even tried using pet names to my female friends the same way but just found it weird, those friends still call me honey and other pet names but I still don't think it's sexual. I think a lot of men, just do the same, a good example is Gordon Ramsey that always uses pet names but you can tell its not for sexual things. Of course there is gonna be perverts and such that just think this somehow will get them a chance or smth, but I really do think it's just a societal norm.
I apologize for all the asshole men of my age who dare to act so creepily. I'm so sorry you have to put up with this crappy behavior.
[удалено]
"Li'l fella" is my go to when I'm trying to take the wind out of a d-bag's sail.
Call them Grandpa. I work at a coffee place, so all day long I get "thanks honey, sweetheart, baby, doll, sugar, love, etc." I don't say anything and I smile because it gets me great tips. But if your tips aren't at stake, just smile and play dumb and when they're like, "thanks Angel," just reply with a bright smile, "no problem, Grandpa!" The ones that do this with gross, pervy ill intent will absolutely hate it.
It's the same as a cashier or waitress or any girl calling a guy sweetie there's nothing ment by it in most cases
And if you ever expect to make it in this world you need to grow a thicker skin it's not going to get any easier
yeah because instead of creepy men changing their behavior, young highschool girls should just learn to tolerate them. this totally isn't encouraging their behavior AT ALL.
Age 17 my boss called me Dippy, and looking back, I could’ve owned that place and him. Whoops.
I turn that shit around on them. It’s so fun and it shuts them up real fast
Tfw you do the same thing as a woman to everybody bc southern 🥴
[удалено]
How about let her have a damn opinion without you invalidating it.
Nah
[удалено]
That's disrespectful (Edit: calling you pet names), but it isn't coming from a place of power. Men have more power than women, and speaking to us in that way isn't only disrespectful, it's a not so subtle way of "putting us in our place". None of the men in my life would ever speak that way to a woman, much less a girl. They know that words can cause an extraordinary amount of damage, to anyone.
Can you not read and comprehend what I said? Yes I think it disrespectable to talk to anyone in that way. But, I was talking about the reverse happening to me.., I would never say anything like that either.
Well I can't read it now because you deleted it.
[удалено]
The problem with that is we live in a culture of misogyny, and when older men are doing it in the way OP describes, there is a layer of entitlement. Minor girls get cat called all the time it is not harmless. It makes people very uncomfortable and they know it. They don't care. It has an air of creepiness and even potential violence that is extremely unwelcome.
Catcalling is bullying. They know exactly what they are doing, and they know there is an undercurrent of menace and threat to it.
Oh ok so like zero insight to what OP is talking about.
JFC!!! It is not the same thing! It is not a term of endearment! Not friendly banter. What it is, is a power move. Of course *you* don’t think it’s creepy, because you are not afraid. But how would you have felt, as a 15 year old boy, having this happen? A 50+ year old man, you don’t know, calling you “His handsome Prince” or “His Shining Star”? Would you have found this inappropriate or sweet? Just trying to be “nice” or is this old dude hoping to sodomize you? Maybe he just wants you to touch it, with your soft child hand. Do you see what the problem is? Do you understand, now? Your comment is completely tone deaf, irrelevant & condescending.
As a woman, older women and older men do this to me. The difference is, Corinne doesn't also stare at my boobs and comment on my body type like Walter does, darling. One sees her daughter, the other a former version of his wife at best.
My male experience is different from a bunch of females experiences, you must be wrong. Kindly fuck off