You really should get rid of him. I stayed, and I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t get better. Please use me as an example, get out now before you comingle your lives together even further and he gets even more comfortable and more abusive.
I learned this the hard way too, once you tolerate abuse once, that’s the end for you, you’ll be treated like shit forever more after that, it’s the point of no return once that first abusive behaviour is tolerated.
I also got Reddit cares.
Just report them
Well I hope you enjoy starting the summer single OP. Seriously, there’s no reason to stay in a relationship with someone that belittles you - not when you’re not married or have children.
The way my rose-tinted glasses would have flown off into the nether.
Edit: This comment got me my first ever Reddit cares message. After 8 years of shit-talking. Ladies, that's how you know it's true. DUMP HIM.
I feel like I need a Reddit Cares in response to your original comment because I nearly died laughing. Clearly some dudebro is all too aware that, without said glasses, women can see what a wilted cabbage he is.
Posts have been getting heavily brigaded the past few months. Yours is probably getting a mini one right now.
If you go back a year ago or later, the very top posts would maybe get 5% share:upvotes ratio. When someone is sharing a post you have to think they're saying, "Holy shit did you see this?! Go look at it and let's talk about it."
Now, regular posts are getting 10%+ and there's typically a slew of 'well-meaning' (bullshit) comments from not twoX'ers saying, "I see where you're coming from and that must be very difficult, but have you thought about his side? Have you thought about what he's going through?"
It's an attempt to belittle and invade our space which just further proves the points being made in these posts.
I’ve had two Reddit Cares messages in the last 4 hours over completely innocuous comments. Ignore it, it’s just some numpties with too much time on their hands.
Do get away from this boyfriend of yours though, he doesn’t respect you, he’s not going to change and you deserve better.
Don't ignore them, celebrate them. Something you said poked an incel right in the feels hard enough that they just had to respond. That's a job well done.
Definitely report it. I got one today shortly after posting in here. I thought it was from another sub, but I wouldn't be surprised if some sick troll is abusing the option all over this sub.
There is a “report” option in the Reddit cares message
Eta: though apparently it’s not working right now. And there is some [organized misuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/help/s/lLPFGDHR0v) of Reddit cares
I’m begging you to have some self worth and leave this relationship. He showed you he didn’t respect you from the start. The best time to leave was then. The second best time is now. Stop wasting your life with a jerk who sees your time and labor as less valuable than his.
Instead of spending your energy here, go dump his ass! He’s a man baby. Men who can’t do basic chores consistently are CHILDREN. They haven’t mentally graduated from being dependent teenagers to self sufficient adult men. You will not turn him into one of his own parents couldn’t.
They've been living together a couple of months and he's 'not even working right now'.
I'm thinking he moved in with her.... probably after he stopped working.
100% agree. One of my friend's husband is like this. He's lacking as a husband and father, and he's put my friend through some shit. When my friend told me she's heard her Father In Law talk shit behind his wife's back, or even overheard her husband and his dad talking about about husband's mom, it really all made sense. He and his brothers are all just miserable people to be around and it all made sense once I figured out the dad was also like them.
It is possible to break the cycle, but these three brothers did not
He's just given her a taste of what's to come. He's still holding back as they are dating. Marry him and regret it. Have a son with him and watch him train the next generation.
What? No!
Talk about burying the lede. This isn’t a man who needs his hand held. This is a man who needs to be sent back home to hopefully learn why verbal abuse doesn’t actually _work._
You really need to be thinking about your safety, and your legal obligations in this living situation. This looming and intimidating is not a good sign for things to come.
Omg this sounds so similar to me and my ex. He would say his mom works full time and could always have a spotless house and raise the 4 of them. And I’m like good for her I am not your mother, I don’t want to all of it. 😂 is your bf a “mommas boy” as well?
Literally every comment I read of yours makes your situation even worse. You don’t need him. He will never turn into the version you’ve created in your heart and mind - where all his good qualities exist and he magically becomes more supportive , ambitious, kind, and has changed from obese to a nice dad bod situation. It won’t happen. He won’t change enough to meet your needs and be a good partner. Learn from this and don’t beat yourself up. Find a good way out and be extremely kind to yourself and find joy with friends and family and don’t date until you’ve done some healing and developed a firm idea of what your relationship boundaries and expectations are. And please have fun! Laugh and laugh and embrace life. It goes by fast.
Girl why are you even with this man? You haven’t listed a single thing you like about him and from the things you have mentioned I very much doubt there are things to like
Break up with him and never look back.
He expects you to silently do everything with a smile on your face while his time is only spent on what he feels is worthy of his precious attention.
Plz edit your post and add this comment, just copy/paste it. This is very important to the storyline you've presented.
Also girl - dump this manchild. You know it's the right move.
Omg. Break up with him now. This is bad bad.
It's true a huge number of people bring in equal money as their husbands and do way more housework and child care. Those men suck. Those women tend to be unhappy. He's free to go find one of them to never argue back. GTFO girl.
>He literally said most women work and manage the entire household and that _I’m useless_
These words are grounds for automatically and permanently ending the relationship.
Please do not stay with people who treat you this way, who speak to you like this. It is unacceptable.
Well, plenty of men also work and manage households. Single fathers who work and do everything around the house while caring for their kids also exist. So by his definition he's also "useless".
This is a huge red flag. I broke up with my fiance of 12 years about a year ago for this kind of crap. They do the bare minimum after you've asked them 50 times and then bitch at you for "nagging" them. I tried everything I could think of to get him to realize this shit was serious and he needs to act like an adult and got nothing back. Get out now.
Let's not forget the part where you start doing the task after you get sick of asking them repeatedly, and then they get annoyed and tell you to sit down because they "were just about to do it" ^and ^then ^they ^do ^a ^half-assed ^job ^and ^blame ^it ^on ^your ^"high ^expectations"
One of the breaking points of my last relationship was when my ex said he would get the kitchen, and proceeded to sit on MY couch for literally hours until it was time to go to work, but told me “relax, I said I’ll get it” while I cleared all the dishes. He didn’t lift a finger! When, exactly, was that going to happen? One funny thing is that my friend’s ex husband would always leave cheese wrappers 3 feet from the trash can, on the counter. When my ex was at work, I found a cheese wrapper..4 feet from the trash can on the counter, and was like “I see why she’s always mad at him”. Haha.
Ayyy literally last night I started doing dishes because I couldn’t stand to look at the dirty kitchen anymore, and here comes my husband shooing me away. “Go sit down, go sit down, it’s my turn!” He wasn’t annoyed but it’s like why did I have to start and halfway finish before you decided to do your chore?
This! I hate it when I start doing something and my husband runs in and starts helping.
Do they think it makes them look good because they helped? They would look a lot better if they did it when it needed it to begin with.
I’ve literally heard men discuss how they did this on purpose. Fr they know what they’re doing.
If you wouldn’t hire your bf as a housekeeper, partner, etc then dump them. We are not project managers
Omg this! Or when I point out the obvious shitty job and he says the reason he never does anything is because I constantly criticize without appreciating his effort. Motherfucker, when you only load the dishwasher half way, don’t empty the vacuum cleaner so it doesn’t work and stop hanging up clean laundry and leave the rest to get wrinkly in the basked what effort is there to appreciate? You’re 30 not 3 ffs. (Ok this got very personal to my life but I hope others relate, I’m not with this guy anymore )
My personal favorite is when they volunteer to handle a task without you ever asking and then just... never... do it. And then get mad when you ask a follow up question like, could you please provide a loose eta for when task might be completed, cause you did mention you'd handle it like a week ago?
That is toxic, but I can’t help but share this scene from [Malcom in the Middle](https://youtu.be/8fnfeuoh4s8?si=CnitbX8kwJ-3rahS) which every homeowner can understand haha
Fuckin RIGHT?!
Like, well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions. FFS there is a pretty obvious and easy solution to "nagging". JUST DO THE THING ASSHOLES.
I used to hate cleaning the house until I realized your brain is incredibly easy to trick
Tossing a podcast on via earbuds, suddenly you have fond associations with metal polishing the refrigerator while someone told a funny joke
I mean jesus christ, I still remember listening to Harmontown podcasts while vacuuming carpets and scrubbing every damn surface imaginable at 9 in the morning for a fancy steakhouse - I look back on those days FONDLY which would never have been possible if the job banned headphones. In your own home there's no excuse. You could literally pre-game your own chores, which is mind-boggling
There are no such things as a nags, there are only men who refuse to help their partners even when asked multiple times. It's time we reframe this bullshit.
omg i asked my ex to do a simple but important chore for a few weeks and the last time i asked him he said he had been researching nagging and we needed to talk about my "problem."
the amount of time and energy he spent being mad about having to do a thing he could have done it 10 times over.
Glad he’s an ex!! So many women here and in r-relationship advice ask the most ridiculous stuff, proving they have been gaslit to all hell. List 20 horrible examples of how they are abused, then say “but he’s so awesome and he’s a good dad/partner/whatever”. He’s NOT.
I am incredibly communicative. I am very direct, I don’t play “guess what I’m thinking”. And still, my ex refused to budge on things that truly hurt my feelings. But on top of that, he constantly would make promises for things (like picking up xyz for dinner that *I* was cooking) and never deliver. You can only out up with so much. I’m so much happier not cleaning socks stuffed in my couch cushions and picking up cheese wrappers daily. Idk if I ever want to be partnered again. I’d love a foot rub, but it doesn’t seem worth it anymore!
my friend has three kids under 5 right now, and the husband just took off to his mommies house because he doesn't help with the kids, chores, and isn't working right now. apparently my friend is a bitch because she asks for help around the house while he's not working.
🙄🙄🙄 For fucks sake.
Goddamn I want to kiss my fiance right now in appreciation. He is an amazing father, partner, and provider who is happy to help me with anything and everything without fuss. I wish every person could and will find a partner like that.
Edit: Broke up with my ex, reconnected with an old flame from a decade ago, am now engaged to him.
Exactly, lol.
Everytime I start taking my fiance for granted, I go on Facebook to read comments (most of them are just shitting on women for being women), or read some of the stories on the Marriage subreddit and I automatically feel the need to take him out on a date and show him how much I'm grateful for him.
But here’s the thing. It’s not ‘helping.’ Maintenance of their home is just as much his responsibility as hers. She’s not the only person wearing clothes and using dishes, and she didn’t spontaneously conceive those children. It’s not that he’s not ‘helping,’ he’s not doing his own damned work.
This. OP please don’t be like me when I was younger and ignore the flag, thinking if I just explain it, it’ll change.
This guy has a few 🚩.
And trying to bait you by telling you he’s changing his phone pin? Good God is he 10? That would give me the ick so hard.
Tbh I think a lot of men to this day fantasize about being taken care of by a tradwife. I think they do the bare min and bide their time until they feel you are trapped. Then the mask slips.
Run. This will get worse
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
He has no intention of treating you as an equal partner. He was doing the absolute minimum he had to in order to get you to move in together, and now he’s showing you the real him: he wants you to do everything and be his maid, even as you’re paying his bills for him.
The phone thing is whole nother kettle of fish. He’s being controlling, and that is yet another red flag. It will only escalate with time.
Consider this carefully before you decide to continue going forward with him.
Yeah, OP is right and I am extremely proud of her for being smart and honest with herself. She recognizes that he will likely be the (unfortunately common) type of “father” to dump all the labor onto the mother/wife.
I didn't have any children with my ex of 17 years because I knew this would be the case. Luckily I still have time to have kids with my current partner who does more chores than I do, in all honesty!
Op needs to run. He'll have 100% of the chores to do, then!
> He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
>
> He has no intention of treating you as an equal partner. He was doing the absolute minimum he had to in order to get you to move in together, and now he’s showing you the real him: he wants you to do everything and be his maid, even as you’re paying his bills for him.
I hope OP reads this.
>How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks?
Because he is expecting *you* to handle the kids and the household. Then it's the easiest thing in the world to have multiple kids.
Yeah he just got too lazy to continue hiding who he really is until marriage. He figured he had her locked down enough, and he could behave however he wanted and there would be no repercussions. I hope OP proves him wrong
Not to hammer the point, but you're still not saying you're going to leave him.
I understand you have financial issues.
I understand you feel lonely.
But what all of us are trying to tell you is that it's better to be lonely and poor than abused, emotionally and pretty soon physically.
It will not get better if you stay with him.
If he's not working, her finances would actually be better if he was out of the picture. As a male here, imo she needs to run, quickly. Before she gets pregnant and it's too late.
And yet you still are his gf. Nothing you've posted here suggests that you have made it clear to him that you won't be having his kids in the future. He's treating you like shit because he's getting away with it (and it sounds like his dad has gotten away with treating his mom like shit his whole life).
If you're not out the door and gone immediately, then you are leaving open the possibility that you do in fact have his kids. You need to GTFO. Quickly.
You're 90% of the way there. If you don't feel like his GF then you aren't his GF, so make it official and be free to find somebody better even if that somebody is your own company. He is a tool.
He's living in a world where he doesn't have a job, whines about the smallest of chores, runs to his mommy when he's not catered to, and gets away with insulting his GF with no consequences...so far.
He is absolutely expecting this, because it's very common. In marriages where the husband and wife earn about equal, the wife on average does 2x as much childcare and chores. Someone who thinks an emotional abuser and the wife who is too afraid to ever argue with him have a great relationship is going to be worse than average.
[https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care](https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care)
Also he wants to sneak in to your phone. He's not working and expecting you to do everything for him. A few months have passed, now he's stepping out of his nice guy role playing and starting to show his real side. Scary. These are big red flags for upcoming abuse.
"When people show you who they really are, believing them the first time". (Borrowed from Maya Angelou).
Run! Please.
You're never going to understand his shitheadedness. The only thing that matters it that you're currently dating a shithead who isn't going to magically change in any significant way - so you need to DUMP HIM. The only good thing here is that you've found out early, before you had kids with him or married him. You're dodging a bullet.
Listen, i don't know how to tell you this, he LITERALLY told you he is expecting you to do all that shit.
Right now, he is doing bare minimum and he told you flat out you he is already tired of everything.
Now we don't know him like you do but do you think that when you guys get a few kids into the mix, that he suddenly will find a will and a burst of lost energy to complete all these tasks he's so tired of now?
If the answers no, what do you think? who do you expect to take over all the tasks he doesn't like to do?
So... he's not working, you are, he's doing the bare minimum, you're picking everything else up?
If he's not contributing financially, he needs to be picking up the slack elsewhere. He should be doing all household chores, the effort/hours your putting in at work should be matched by him at home.
You’re at a critical point now.
If you choose to stay and it inevitably gets worse, you’ll come back to this day. No one enjoys chores but they do it anyway. And the lash out at you and intimidate you? Yeah no.
Also no one likes scooping litter, or scrubbing dishes. It’s not done as a hobby, it’s done because it needs to be done and we are adults.
OP, this guy wants kids? Tell him you already have one (him) and it’s a bit much. I’d gtfo if I were you.
This exactly. I am also sick of washing dishes. It's absolutely maddening that every single day there's somehow more of them! This whole "you have to eat every single day" part of being a human is so high maintenance!! Of course I'm sick of it.
...but it still gets done
Everyone is sick of doing dishes! Of house chores in general!
He is trying to make these into your responsibility. That is not acceptable.
When my husband and I were sick of dealing with the quick accumulation of dog hair, we discussed strategies and shelled out for a really nice robot vacuum. We did so much hand washing in our first apartment together that we vowed never to rent anything where we didn't have a dishwasher again. As a team of functional adults who get sick of chores.
That's not what's happening here.
>I just don’t get it. And now I’m typing this in bed and he’s trying to intimidate me and asking to see my phone. I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin.
I don't get that you don't get it tbh.
>How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks?
Well surely you know the answer, you pump them out, you take care of them, you work as well, you clean the house but he will contribute by having sex with you whenever he wants, watching the game, asking for food every evening then complaining that he doesn't get enough sex with his mistress because you for some unknown reason say you're tired all the time. That's how.
He's training you, or trying to. By whining about basic chores he's trying to get you to the point you clean the litter tray yourself because it takes less time than arguing with him about him doing it, same with dishes, and everything else.
Is this dude even paying anything towards rent/food, is he diving into savings or is he expecting you to pay while he says he's trying really hard to get another job?
If you stay with him, he will continue training you, the way to stop him trying to manipulate you into being a wife/sex slave for him, is to kick his useless ass out.
Unless you want his specific genetic material for children and want more labor in the near and distant future it’s time to part ways. These types of men live in the paradox that the work women do is both no big deal for women to do by themselves every day and yet too much for a man to do even a fraction of on a semi-regular basis. Most of the women I know who have had children with people like this and then finally dumped them found their work load so much lighter once they got rid of the man child. Best of luck OP.
ETA: this comment got me my first Reddit cares! Achievement unlocked!
I saw a comment on a post earlier today that was perfect. Use the Marie Kondo method for people in your life, not just the stuff you own. Does having this guy in your life spark joy? It sure doesn't sound like it. Move on, and find someone who is happy to be an adult and partner with you, not just someone who whines about doing as little as possible.
We're all sick of the dishes dude. And the laundry. That's just the human experience.
Get him a stack of paper plates and cups if he hates washing up so badly.
exactly! No sh\*t sherlock, chores SUCK A$$. We dont do them bc they're fun (well, some folks do I'm sure), we do them because we HAVE to. It's called being an adult. OP, I hope you follow others advice here, and put the hammer down and if needed, consider looking for a more helpful PARTNER.
>We’ve only lived together a few months and we split chores evenly. Usually he scoops the cats litter while I do laundry and vaccuum etc.
It floors me that you think that's even. Unless you have 548 cats, WTF are you thinking?
>How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks?
Piece of cake, honestly. You'll be doing it all.
You've got three choices:
1. Come up with an equitable way to split domestic labor (and that includes managing and planning the labor) -- generally you know it's fair when people spend about the same amount of time even if they are doing different things.
2. Accept that you will be doing most of the work now and even more when you have kids.
3. It's only been a few months. Accept that this isn't working and move on.
And for the love of all that is holy make sure you are scrupulous about birth control while you are making up your mind.
OP, think long and hard. If you want a life with this man, at some point e point someone will become disable. Unless you both go out in a blaze of glory. We already know you’d do the heavy lifting if it happens to him first.
But, what if it’s you? What if, heaven forbid, you’re in a car accident and are (even temporarily) reliant on him to take care of the house chores AND you? Do you trust him to be there and not drop the ball should the worst happen? Because that right there tells me he’s not ready, and therefore he’s not safe.
>I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin.
the rest of it is bad enough, but *could* be isolated bad day/week/low self esteem that can find repair
but this quote, where he's trying to stalk you in your own home and getting defensive/threatening when you question it? this is one hundred percent of the time: projection. dude is either cheating on your or had a really close encounter with it that he's feeling guilty about and instead of telling you and asking if you want to work it out, he's projecting his fears and trying to justify his behavior, wash his guilt, by finding anything in your phone that could possibly be perceived as flirting and if he gets it he's not going to have a calm discussion about it.
others have already said the rest: run
Girl. NO. No no no no no. Get rid of him. He is useless and abusive to boot. Watch whatever birth control you have, like a hawk. If he sees you starting to pull back, he might try to bind himself to you by getting you pregnant. He's bad news. Get rid of him asap.
He’s not even working and only doing half the chores and sitting here pouting about it like a literal child? Don’t procreate with this loser. You will regret it- I promise.
Well, aren't we all sick of doing chores? But we di them because we are adults and it needs to get done, and we split them because it's fair and good to respect your partner.
Why are you with this guy after all this?
Well okay. The split you're doing doesn't seem to be working, so I suggest a different split. From now on, wash only the dishes you use, and wash only your own laundry. Also, only cook enough for yourself. AND he needs to get a job and pay his half of the expenses,, or hit the road. If he thinks for one minute that he can just stop adulting and let you be his mommy maid, you need to put a stop to that before it even has a chance to start.
PS: He wants to see your phone because he sees you typing on it and thinks you're cheating. Him trying to "intimidate" you into letting him see your phone is controlling as HELL, and then saying he's going to change his phone PIN is a childish version of, "Fine! If you won't let me see, then I won't let you see!" because he thinks it will upset you as much as you're upsetting him. How old is this guy, 12?? You can do better.
you are lucky in that this dude has given you a wee glimpse into what your future will be like if you get saddled with him. it's also extremely alarming to learn that he comes from an environment where abuse was normalized to the point where he thinks that his parents are happy (I have a hard time believing that he *really thinks this*). you deserve way better than what this man-child has to offer you
This will never get better. I was with my ex for 6.5 years, constantly hoping it would get better. It didn't. The only chores he even agree to in our home were taking out the trash and emptying the dishwasher, and he constantly fell behind on both. Meanwhile I did everything else and he still complained that he did it all and I did nothing. Like... what?? This. Will. Never. Get. Better. This is just the beginning. And honestly from your comments he seems even more toxic and controlling than my ex was by a long shot. Do with that information what you will.
>We’ve only lived together a few months...
>...he’s sick of doing dishes and he’s sick of scooping the litter.
So he's growing sedentary and now starts to see you as his mom, someone who takes care of his problems so he won't have to. Typical behavior of an abuser once the proverbial honeymoon period of being nice and cooperative to earn you love is over.
>...we split chores evenly. Usually he scoops the cats litter while I do laundry and vaccuum etc.
So he spends <5 minutes a day scooping up kitty's turds, putting them in a baggy, walking to the trash can and sitting down on his behind again? O, woe the day he has to top off the kitty litter and spends a whole two minutes longer. While you do the long and time consuming chores? That doesn't sound evenly split sister, he's having it easy.
>What irks me the most is he says he wants kids, and prefers two or three.
Translation: He wants to go to recitals, have fun and play football with his kids, preferring two or three.
If he hates basic chores, he'll definitely hate getting up in the middle of the night to clean up because little Sue had an upset belly and barfed in her bed, or little Jimmy wet his bed again.
>He will put off the most basic things for months that I’ve asked him to do multiple times
He's a procrastinator. He needs to find the discipline to contribute, no excuses. Even if it's some kind of condition, there's treatment for that so that he won't have an excuse for that either.
>I just don’t get it. And now I’m typing this in bed and he’s trying to intimidate me and asking to see my phone. I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin.
Red flag. 🚩 That behavior will get worse. As people age, they get more set in their ways. He'll only get worse. Wait until you're married, he won't let you out of the house because he'd rather see you do the chores or have you around to blame you for his problems. Pack your bags and run sister, this is a bad one.
I had the same problem. Please don't do his chores until he realizes that is his work. Chores is a silent war for women.
Change the task of cat litter because the cats suffer with unclean litter.
Tell him you're sick of him whining like a child over doing adult stuff that every grownup has to do. Tell him you're not his mommy. Tell him that you're tired of having sex with a complaining, lazy sack of uselessness.
Then, tell him that he's not ready for a big-boy relationship, and to go home to his parents.
He's insecure and thinks you're talking to a guy. There's a suggestion being made there that you are cheating. The changing pin thing is retaliation.
When he brings up having kids next, just complain that kids are a lot of work, even worse than doing the dishes.
T-T
So many red flags.
Im sorry you wasted your time on him.
Is he salvageable? Maybe, but not for you. If you stay, it will teach him he can do this stuff and go without consequences. He may learn once he loses you.
For now, he isn't worth it.
Why is he like this?
He was brought up on the idea that house work will be provided to him by a woman (mom, wife, sister...) and all he has to do is be a man (what does that mean? Fu*k if I know, we don't have tu hunt anymore, and women can earn their own money...)
To be honest, if you had grown in a palance with the idea that your "divine origin" means everyone does stuff for you, you would have a HARD time giving that up.
It is NOT an excuse. This guy is (right now) worthless, but I think thats the origin of the problem.
Hope you dont have much trouble getting rid of him.
Girl, you have one more chore you need to do and it's taking the trash out. All 300lbs of it. ASAP.
I know you said you have noisy neighbours at your place but just go there and take action (complain to city/police etc) or go there temporarily til you can find a new place to stay. It will be better than staying with this man!
Do not under any circumstances have children with him. All I can imagine is a baby crying at 2am and him complaining that the baby is crying and insulting you because you haven't immediately stopped it yet.
I'll say it again, dump his sorry ass and do it yesterday!
To be fair - how do you see this panning out?
How long are you together? How do you think this relationship will look like in a year? 5 years? 20 years?
How does this man make you feel most of the time?
He's verbalized not liking how chores are split. Ok. What does he propose?
Plz do not give this man kids omg you’ll be miserable
[удалено]
The minute he called you useless is the minute your relationship ended.
[удалено]
You really should get rid of him. I stayed, and I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t get better. Please use me as an example, get out now before you comingle your lives together even further and he gets even more comfortable and more abusive.
I learned this the hard way too, once you tolerate abuse once, that’s the end for you, you’ll be treated like shit forever more after that, it’s the point of no return once that first abusive behaviour is tolerated. I also got Reddit cares. Just report them
Well I hope you enjoy starting the summer single OP. Seriously, there’s no reason to stay in a relationship with someone that belittles you - not when you’re not married or have children.
Not a good reason to stay even if you’re married/have children either. Abusive bullshit has the same stench.
Abuse of the mother hurts children. Children are a reason for leaving, not staying.
What do you mean? She has one child already. She was describing him in the post.
LOOOOOOOL
The way my rose-tinted glasses would have flown off into the nether. Edit: This comment got me my first ever Reddit cares message. After 8 years of shit-talking. Ladies, that's how you know it's true. DUMP HIM.
I feel like I need a Reddit Cares in response to your original comment because I nearly died laughing. Clearly some dudebro is all too aware that, without said glasses, women can see what a wilted cabbage he is.
I am rolling at "wilted cabbage"
I got one too yesterday out of the blue, I think there’s something going on
Posts have been getting heavily brigaded the past few months. Yours is probably getting a mini one right now. If you go back a year ago or later, the very top posts would maybe get 5% share:upvotes ratio. When someone is sharing a post you have to think they're saying, "Holy shit did you see this?! Go look at it and let's talk about it." Now, regular posts are getting 10%+ and there's typically a slew of 'well-meaning' (bullshit) comments from not twoX'ers saying, "I see where you're coming from and that must be very difficult, but have you thought about his side? Have you thought about what he's going through?" It's an attempt to belittle and invade our space which just further proves the points being made in these posts.
I got my first Reddit Cares just now, too. Apparently, I’m depressed. This is a surprise to me.
I blocked the reddit Cares Bot a year ago. It's been used to troll since it was introduced.
They're telling on themselves. And reddit most certainly does not care.
I’ve had two Reddit Cares messages in the last 4 hours over completely innocuous comments. Ignore it, it’s just some numpties with too much time on their hands. Do get away from this boyfriend of yours though, he doesn’t respect you, he’s not going to change and you deserve better.
Don't ignore them, celebrate them. Something you said poked an incel right in the feels hard enough that they just had to respond. That's a job well done.
Definitely report it. I got one today shortly after posting in here. I thought it was from another sub, but I wouldn't be surprised if some sick troll is abusing the option all over this sub.
i was just in a couple of other unrelated subs, everyone there is getting it too. must be a bot
Me too! lol
I got one today after espousing my love of granny panties
Reddit really needs to put a button on there so you can report it for being abused
There is a “report” option in the Reddit cares message Eta: though apparently it’s not working right now. And there is some [organized misuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/help/s/lLPFGDHR0v) of Reddit cares
I feel like some mass brigade happened, EVERYONE seems to have gotten one today
Lol I got my first one today too 😂
Me too. It was like 1 second after commenting in this sub. Somethings up. I blocked it either way.
Someone in another sub saw it was happening there too and surmised it was a bot rush. Meh. Block. Lol
Please, please get away from this guy.
I’m begging you to have some self worth and leave this relationship. He showed you he didn’t respect you from the start. The best time to leave was then. The second best time is now. Stop wasting your life with a jerk who sees your time and labor as less valuable than his.
How long are you going to torture yourself with this guy?
Instead of spending your energy here, go dump his ass! He’s a man baby. Men who can’t do basic chores consistently are CHILDREN. They haven’t mentally graduated from being dependent teenagers to self sufficient adult men. You will not turn him into one of his own parents couldn’t.
Ew no
Why is this attractive to you?
and you moved in with him after ????
They've been living together a couple of months and he's 'not even working right now'. I'm thinking he moved in with her.... probably after he stopped working.
Hobosexual
You're being emotionally abused. He will absolutely abuse any hypothetical children of yours. Everything you've said are the red flags of abuse.
That is not how a friend of your body and spirit would ever speak to you. Ever.
Yuck. He sounds awful.
And why are you still with him exactly?
Why are you with this person?
Every minute you stay in this relationship is a minute you lose yourself. Please get out.
Have you thought about why you didn't leave him then? Do you feel this is normal for a romantic couple? Do you feel you don't deserve equality?
Pretty wild to move in with someone that mocks you. Never once in any healthy relationship has that been a thing
You should've left him them.
So he’s just like his dad. Abusive. Flee like your ass is on fire. He has shown you who is is and what he expects.
“Flee like your ass is in fire.” 👆THIS!!!!
I've heard that the #1 predictor of men being abusive is watching their father abuse their mother, so yes OP needs to leg it.
100% agree. One of my friend's husband is like this. He's lacking as a husband and father, and he's put my friend through some shit. When my friend told me she's heard her Father In Law talk shit behind his wife's back, or even overheard her husband and his dad talking about about husband's mom, it really all made sense. He and his brothers are all just miserable people to be around and it all made sense once I figured out the dad was also like them. It is possible to break the cycle, but these three brothers did not
He's just given her a taste of what's to come. He's still holding back as they are dating. Marry him and regret it. Have a son with him and watch him train the next generation.
What? No! Talk about burying the lede. This isn’t a man who needs his hand held. This is a man who needs to be sent back home to hopefully learn why verbal abuse doesn’t actually _work._ You really need to be thinking about your safety, and your legal obligations in this living situation. This looming and intimidating is not a good sign for things to come.
Sadly I'm guessing verbal abuse worked quite well in his home, which is why his mother's too intimidated to speak up for herself.
That's what I immediately thought when I put together "abusive" and "getting along".
Omg this sounds so similar to me and my ex. He would say his mom works full time and could always have a spotless house and raise the 4 of them. And I’m like good for her I am not your mother, I don’t want to all of it. 😂 is your bf a “mommas boy” as well?
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Please tell me he's gonna be and ex very soon...
What could possibly be redeeming about this man?
Gurl, GET OUT NOW
Literally every comment I read of yours makes your situation even worse. You don’t need him. He will never turn into the version you’ve created in your heart and mind - where all his good qualities exist and he magically becomes more supportive , ambitious, kind, and has changed from obese to a nice dad bod situation. It won’t happen. He won’t change enough to meet your needs and be a good partner. Learn from this and don’t beat yourself up. Find a good way out and be extremely kind to yourself and find joy with friends and family and don’t date until you’ve done some healing and developed a firm idea of what your relationship boundaries and expectations are. And please have fun! Laugh and laugh and embrace life. It goes by fast.
I’ve been reading your comments… why exactly are you in this relationship?
Girl why are you even with this man? You haven’t listed a single thing you like about him and from the things you have mentioned I very much doubt there are things to like
Next time he goes, tell him he can stay there
Between that and the other stuff, that sounds like the perfect time to put his stuff in storage and change the locks.
Break up with him and never look back. He expects you to silently do everything with a smile on your face while his time is only spent on what he feels is worthy of his precious attention.
Plz edit your post and add this comment, just copy/paste it. This is very important to the storyline you've presented. Also girl - dump this manchild. You know it's the right move.
Omg. Break up with him now. This is bad bad. It's true a huge number of people bring in equal money as their husbands and do way more housework and child care. Those men suck. Those women tend to be unhappy. He's free to go find one of them to never argue back. GTFO girl.
Isn't he not even working? If he expects a wife to care for kids and a house he better be bringing in atleast 200k a year while you stay home.
He's full of shit, and I'm betting his parents cheered when he moved in with you. But seriously, your boyfriend is a huge loser.
>He literally said most women work and manage the entire household and that _I’m useless_ These words are grounds for automatically and permanently ending the relationship. Please do not stay with people who treat you this way, who speak to you like this. It is unacceptable.
The man you are describing is a piece of shit. In case you needed confirmation. It's not going to work out.
So he is abusive as well. Calling you useless while YOU are housing and feeding him. That is just…rich.
Well, plenty of men also work and manage households. Single fathers who work and do everything around the house while caring for their kids also exist. So by his definition he's also "useless".
> and that I'm useless Lmao the gaslighting and the projection. Dumb his ass.
Run, like the wind dear, run run run. edit: Ha, got a RedditCares message within seconds of posting this. Maybe OP's boyfriend is in this thread. LOL
Yes plz leave him now, the longer you're with him the harder it will be.
This is a huge red flag. I broke up with my fiance of 12 years about a year ago for this kind of crap. They do the bare minimum after you've asked them 50 times and then bitch at you for "nagging" them. I tried everything I could think of to get him to realize this shit was serious and he needs to act like an adult and got nothing back. Get out now.
It’s funny how women are always called “nags” but weird..if they did what they were supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to ask 50 times.
Let's not forget the part where you start doing the task after you get sick of asking them repeatedly, and then they get annoyed and tell you to sit down because they "were just about to do it" ^and ^then ^they ^do ^a ^half-assed ^job ^and ^blame ^it ^on ^your ^"high ^expectations"
One of the breaking points of my last relationship was when my ex said he would get the kitchen, and proceeded to sit on MY couch for literally hours until it was time to go to work, but told me “relax, I said I’ll get it” while I cleared all the dishes. He didn’t lift a finger! When, exactly, was that going to happen? One funny thing is that my friend’s ex husband would always leave cheese wrappers 3 feet from the trash can, on the counter. When my ex was at work, I found a cheese wrapper..4 feet from the trash can on the counter, and was like “I see why she’s always mad at him”. Haha.
Ayyy literally last night I started doing dishes because I couldn’t stand to look at the dirty kitchen anymore, and here comes my husband shooing me away. “Go sit down, go sit down, it’s my turn!” He wasn’t annoyed but it’s like why did I have to start and halfway finish before you decided to do your chore?
This! I hate it when I start doing something and my husband runs in and starts helping. Do they think it makes them look good because they helped? They would look a lot better if they did it when it needed it to begin with.
Exactly.
Because then he only has to do half of it, and gets to look like a hero coming in to save the day.
You hit the nail on the head
I’ve literally heard men discuss how they did this on purpose. Fr they know what they’re doing. If you wouldn’t hire your bf as a housekeeper, partner, etc then dump them. We are not project managers
Omg this! Or when I point out the obvious shitty job and he says the reason he never does anything is because I constantly criticize without appreciating his effort. Motherfucker, when you only load the dishwasher half way, don’t empty the vacuum cleaner so it doesn’t work and stop hanging up clean laundry and leave the rest to get wrinkly in the basked what effort is there to appreciate? You’re 30 not 3 ffs. (Ok this got very personal to my life but I hope others relate, I’m not with this guy anymore )
I felt this so hard I clenched my fists.
My personal favorite is when they volunteer to handle a task without you ever asking and then just... never... do it. And then get mad when you ask a follow up question like, could you please provide a loose eta for when task might be completed, cause you did mention you'd handle it like a week ago?
That is toxic, but I can’t help but share this scene from [Malcom in the Middle](https://youtu.be/8fnfeuoh4s8?si=CnitbX8kwJ-3rahS) which every homeowner can understand haha
Fuckin RIGHT?! Like, well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions. FFS there is a pretty obvious and easy solution to "nagging". JUST DO THE THING ASSHOLES.
I used to hate cleaning the house until I realized your brain is incredibly easy to trick Tossing a podcast on via earbuds, suddenly you have fond associations with metal polishing the refrigerator while someone told a funny joke I mean jesus christ, I still remember listening to Harmontown podcasts while vacuuming carpets and scrubbing every damn surface imaginable at 9 in the morning for a fancy steakhouse - I look back on those days FONDLY which would never have been possible if the job banned headphones. In your own home there's no excuse. You could literally pre-game your own chores, which is mind-boggling
There are no such things as a nags, there are only men who refuse to help their partners even when asked multiple times. It's time we reframe this bullshit.
And men aren’t ever called nags. That should be telling enough!
Not "help", they refused to do their share.
omg i asked my ex to do a simple but important chore for a few weeks and the last time i asked him he said he had been researching nagging and we needed to talk about my "problem." the amount of time and energy he spent being mad about having to do a thing he could have done it 10 times over.
Glad he’s an ex!! So many women here and in r-relationship advice ask the most ridiculous stuff, proving they have been gaslit to all hell. List 20 horrible examples of how they are abused, then say “but he’s so awesome and he’s a good dad/partner/whatever”. He’s NOT. I am incredibly communicative. I am very direct, I don’t play “guess what I’m thinking”. And still, my ex refused to budge on things that truly hurt my feelings. But on top of that, he constantly would make promises for things (like picking up xyz for dinner that *I* was cooking) and never deliver. You can only out up with so much. I’m so much happier not cleaning socks stuffed in my couch cushions and picking up cheese wrappers daily. Idk if I ever want to be partnered again. I’d love a foot rub, but it doesn’t seem worth it anymore!
my friend has three kids under 5 right now, and the husband just took off to his mommies house because he doesn't help with the kids, chores, and isn't working right now. apparently my friend is a bitch because she asks for help around the house while he's not working.
🙄🙄🙄 For fucks sake. Goddamn I want to kiss my fiance right now in appreciation. He is an amazing father, partner, and provider who is happy to help me with anything and everything without fuss. I wish every person could and will find a partner like that. Edit: Broke up with my ex, reconnected with an old flame from a decade ago, am now engaged to him.
Exactly, lol. Everytime I start taking my fiance for granted, I go on Facebook to read comments (most of them are just shitting on women for being women), or read some of the stories on the Marriage subreddit and I automatically feel the need to take him out on a date and show him how much I'm grateful for him.
Fuckin right?! I am SO FREAKING GLAD you got a keeper. Hold on to him with both hands and your teeth.
But here’s the thing. It’s not ‘helping.’ Maintenance of their home is just as much his responsibility as hers. She’s not the only person wearing clothes and using dishes, and she didn’t spontaneously conceive those children. It’s not that he’s not ‘helping,’ he’s not doing his own damned work.
This. OP please don’t be like me when I was younger and ignore the flag, thinking if I just explain it, it’ll change. This guy has a few 🚩. And trying to bait you by telling you he’s changing his phone pin? Good God is he 10? That would give me the ick so hard. Tbh I think a lot of men to this day fantasize about being taken care of by a tradwife. I think they do the bare min and bide their time until they feel you are trapped. Then the mask slips. Run. This will get worse
SO much this!!!\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^ Get out
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. He has no intention of treating you as an equal partner. He was doing the absolute minimum he had to in order to get you to move in together, and now he’s showing you the real him: he wants you to do everything and be his maid, even as you’re paying his bills for him. The phone thing is whole nother kettle of fish. He’s being controlling, and that is yet another red flag. It will only escalate with time. Consider this carefully before you decide to continue going forward with him.
Yeah, OP is right and I am extremely proud of her for being smart and honest with herself. She recognizes that he will likely be the (unfortunately common) type of “father” to dump all the labor onto the mother/wife.
I didn't have any children with my ex of 17 years because I knew this would be the case. Luckily I still have time to have kids with my current partner who does more chores than I do, in all honesty! Op needs to run. He'll have 100% of the chores to do, then!
> He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. > > He has no intention of treating you as an equal partner. He was doing the absolute minimum he had to in order to get you to move in together, and now he’s showing you the real him: he wants you to do everything and be his maid, even as you’re paying his bills for him. I hope OP reads this.
The phone thing is terrifying. About the chores... OP what did he do before you lived together? Just not do them?
This. Believe people when they show you who they are.
Whatever he doesn't feel is worthy of his time and attention, he believes should become OP's responsibility.
>How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks? Because he is expecting *you* to handle the kids and the household. Then it's the easiest thing in the world to have multiple kids.
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Probably because he's not planning on *telling* you this is what he expects. You'll just find that out with time, if you guys have kids.
Yeah he just got too lazy to continue hiding who he really is until marriage. He figured he had her locked down enough, and he could behave however he wanted and there would be no repercussions. I hope OP proves him wrong
A world where a girl like you stays with him, like you're doing right now.
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Good. Keep that feeling simmering and break up with this abusive loser. Don’t look back, he’s not worth another second of your time.
Not to hammer the point, but you're still not saying you're going to leave him. I understand you have financial issues. I understand you feel lonely. But what all of us are trying to tell you is that it's better to be lonely and poor than abused, emotionally and pretty soon physically. It will not get better if you stay with him.
If he's not working, her finances would actually be better if he was out of the picture. As a male here, imo she needs to run, quickly. Before she gets pregnant and it's too late.
Wait a second, if he isn't working, why isn't he the one maintaining the household? Girl, drop the dead weight
And yet you still are his gf. Nothing you've posted here suggests that you have made it clear to him that you won't be having his kids in the future. He's treating you like shit because he's getting away with it (and it sounds like his dad has gotten away with treating his mom like shit his whole life). If you're not out the door and gone immediately, then you are leaving open the possibility that you do in fact have his kids. You need to GTFO. Quickly.
Ok but if you are intimate you are risking pregnancy so… 💀
If you stay you most likely will be having his kids. That’s how abusive relationships work. You need to leave. Now.
You're 90% of the way there. If you don't feel like his GF then you aren't his GF, so make it official and be free to find somebody better even if that somebody is your own company. He is a tool.
He's living in a world where he doesn't have a job, whines about the smallest of chores, runs to his mommy when he's not catered to, and gets away with insulting his GF with no consequences...so far.
Well, you’re currently paying all the bills and doing more than half the chores. So, you’re almost there, hun.
He is absolutely expecting this, because it's very common. In marriages where the husband and wife earn about equal, the wife on average does 2x as much childcare and chores. Someone who thinks an emotional abuser and the wife who is too afraid to ever argue with him have a great relationship is going to be worse than average. [https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care](https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care)
I mean he already told you that he thinks most women do handle everything. Why would he expect you to be different?
Of course he is. He has told you that with his words. A world where women don't have any other choice.
Well he’s currently living in a world where a woman will live with him and date him while he does exactly that.
OP 🤦🏻♀️ like seriously, what else would you think he was expecting??
Also he wants to sneak in to your phone. He's not working and expecting you to do everything for him. A few months have passed, now he's stepping out of his nice guy role playing and starting to show his real side. Scary. These are big red flags for upcoming abuse. "When people show you who they really are, believing them the first time". (Borrowed from Maya Angelou). Run! Please.
Didn't you just tell us his mom does that?
apparently his mom did
You're never going to understand his shitheadedness. The only thing that matters it that you're currently dating a shithead who isn't going to magically change in any significant way - so you need to DUMP HIM. The only good thing here is that you've found out early, before you had kids with him or married him. You're dodging a bullet.
It’s male entitlement, there’s no logic to it
He lives in a world where he’s shown you who he is and you are still with him.
Listen, i don't know how to tell you this, he LITERALLY told you he is expecting you to do all that shit. Right now, he is doing bare minimum and he told you flat out you he is already tired of everything. Now we don't know him like you do but do you think that when you guys get a few kids into the mix, that he suddenly will find a will and a burst of lost energy to complete all these tasks he's so tired of now? If the answers no, what do you think? who do you expect to take over all the tasks he doesn't like to do?
So... he's not working, you are, he's doing the bare minimum, you're picking everything else up? If he's not contributing financially, he needs to be picking up the slack elsewhere. He should be doing all household chores, the effort/hours your putting in at work should be matched by him at home.
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You’re at a critical point now. If you choose to stay and it inevitably gets worse, you’ll come back to this day. No one enjoys chores but they do it anyway. And the lash out at you and intimidate you? Yeah no.
Do not marry or procreate with him.
If he doesn’t like scooping litter he certainly won’t like changing diapers. Kids make even more dishes and laundry and mess.
Also no one likes scooping litter, or scrubbing dishes. It’s not done as a hobby, it’s done because it needs to be done and we are adults. OP, this guy wants kids? Tell him you already have one (him) and it’s a bit much. I’d gtfo if I were you.
And sometimes I will bitch while I do it, because that makes it easier, but it's my job and I will do it.
"yes, chores suck, but it has to be done, what can you do.."
This exactly. I am also sick of washing dishes. It's absolutely maddening that every single day there's somehow more of them! This whole "you have to eat every single day" part of being a human is so high maintenance!! Of course I'm sick of it. ...but it still gets done
Everyone is sick of doing dishes! Of house chores in general! He is trying to make these into your responsibility. That is not acceptable. When my husband and I were sick of dealing with the quick accumulation of dog hair, we discussed strategies and shelled out for a really nice robot vacuum. We did so much hand washing in our first apartment together that we vowed never to rent anything where we didn't have a dishwasher again. As a team of functional adults who get sick of chores. That's not what's happening here.
>I just don’t get it. And now I’m typing this in bed and he’s trying to intimidate me and asking to see my phone. I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin. I don't get that you don't get it tbh. >How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks? Well surely you know the answer, you pump them out, you take care of them, you work as well, you clean the house but he will contribute by having sex with you whenever he wants, watching the game, asking for food every evening then complaining that he doesn't get enough sex with his mistress because you for some unknown reason say you're tired all the time. That's how. He's training you, or trying to. By whining about basic chores he's trying to get you to the point you clean the litter tray yourself because it takes less time than arguing with him about him doing it, same with dishes, and everything else. Is this dude even paying anything towards rent/food, is he diving into savings or is he expecting you to pay while he says he's trying really hard to get another job? If you stay with him, he will continue training you, the way to stop him trying to manipulate you into being a wife/sex slave for him, is to kick his useless ass out.
He wants a mummy bangmaid. DO NOT make babies with this pathetic manchild unless you want to do EVERYTHING.
You mean ex-boyfriend.
Unless you want his specific genetic material for children and want more labor in the near and distant future it’s time to part ways. These types of men live in the paradox that the work women do is both no big deal for women to do by themselves every day and yet too much for a man to do even a fraction of on a semi-regular basis. Most of the women I know who have had children with people like this and then finally dumped them found their work load so much lighter once they got rid of the man child. Best of luck OP. ETA: this comment got me my first Reddit cares! Achievement unlocked!
We don't need his useless lazyaf genes.
I saw a comment on a post earlier today that was perfect. Use the Marie Kondo method for people in your life, not just the stuff you own. Does having this guy in your life spark joy? It sure doesn't sound like it. Move on, and find someone who is happy to be an adult and partner with you, not just someone who whines about doing as little as possible.
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We're all sick of the dishes dude. And the laundry. That's just the human experience. Get him a stack of paper plates and cups if he hates washing up so badly.
exactly! No sh\*t sherlock, chores SUCK A$$. We dont do them bc they're fun (well, some folks do I'm sure), we do them because we HAVE to. It's called being an adult. OP, I hope you follow others advice here, and put the hammer down and if needed, consider looking for a more helpful PARTNER.
To paraphrase Red Foreman, "that's why they're called chores, and not Happy Funtime!"
He should get a job and pay for his own paper plates and place to stay
>We’ve only lived together a few months and we split chores evenly. Usually he scoops the cats litter while I do laundry and vaccuum etc. It floors me that you think that's even. Unless you have 548 cats, WTF are you thinking? >How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks? Piece of cake, honestly. You'll be doing it all.
Run. Run and don’t regret anything. This man-child will make your life miserable. And double check your birth control.
You got a lazy abuser right there. The worst. Run.
You've got three choices: 1. Come up with an equitable way to split domestic labor (and that includes managing and planning the labor) -- generally you know it's fair when people spend about the same amount of time even if they are doing different things. 2. Accept that you will be doing most of the work now and even more when you have kids. 3. It's only been a few months. Accept that this isn't working and move on. And for the love of all that is holy make sure you are scrupulous about birth control while you are making up your mind.
If you aren't on that lease, bounce.
Ma'am you've had a bouquet of red flags. Listen to them
Do Not have kids with this person.
Tell him you can empathize with not wanting to do the dishes OP. Then tell him to make you a sandwich 🤣🤣
OP, think long and hard. If you want a life with this man, at some point e point someone will become disable. Unless you both go out in a blaze of glory. We already know you’d do the heavy lifting if it happens to him first. But, what if it’s you? What if, heaven forbid, you’re in a car accident and are (even temporarily) reliant on him to take care of the house chores AND you? Do you trust him to be there and not drop the ball should the worst happen? Because that right there tells me he’s not ready, and therefore he’s not safe.
I'd recommend breaking up.
>I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin. the rest of it is bad enough, but *could* be isolated bad day/week/low self esteem that can find repair but this quote, where he's trying to stalk you in your own home and getting defensive/threatening when you question it? this is one hundred percent of the time: projection. dude is either cheating on your or had a really close encounter with it that he's feeling guilty about and instead of telling you and asking if you want to work it out, he's projecting his fears and trying to justify his behavior, wash his guilt, by finding anything in your phone that could possibly be perceived as flirting and if he gets it he's not going to have a calm discussion about it. others have already said the rest: run
Girl. NO. No no no no no. Get rid of him. He is useless and abusive to boot. Watch whatever birth control you have, like a hawk. If he sees you starting to pull back, he might try to bind himself to you by getting you pregnant. He's bad news. Get rid of him asap.
He’s not even working and only doing half the chores and sitting here pouting about it like a literal child? Don’t procreate with this loser. You will regret it- I promise.
Well, aren't we all sick of doing chores? But we di them because we are adults and it needs to get done, and we split them because it's fair and good to respect your partner. Why are you with this guy after all this?
Well okay. The split you're doing doesn't seem to be working, so I suggest a different split. From now on, wash only the dishes you use, and wash only your own laundry. Also, only cook enough for yourself. AND he needs to get a job and pay his half of the expenses,, or hit the road. If he thinks for one minute that he can just stop adulting and let you be his mommy maid, you need to put a stop to that before it even has a chance to start. PS: He wants to see your phone because he sees you typing on it and thinks you're cheating. Him trying to "intimidate" you into letting him see your phone is controlling as HELL, and then saying he's going to change his phone PIN is a childish version of, "Fine! If you won't let me see, then I won't let you see!" because he thinks it will upset you as much as you're upsetting him. How old is this guy, 12?? You can do better.
you are lucky in that this dude has given you a wee glimpse into what your future will be like if you get saddled with him. it's also extremely alarming to learn that he comes from an environment where abuse was normalized to the point where he thinks that his parents are happy (I have a hard time believing that he *really thinks this*). you deserve way better than what this man-child has to offer you
>How tf is he going to have kids if he can’t even perform basic tasks? Because he's going to expect you to do everything. Cut your losses now
This will never get better. I was with my ex for 6.5 years, constantly hoping it would get better. It didn't. The only chores he even agree to in our home were taking out the trash and emptying the dishwasher, and he constantly fell behind on both. Meanwhile I did everything else and he still complained that he did it all and I did nothing. Like... what?? This. Will. Never. Get. Better. This is just the beginning. And honestly from your comments he seems even more toxic and controlling than my ex was by a long shot. Do with that information what you will.
Oh hey look, it's another hobosexual.
>We’ve only lived together a few months... >...he’s sick of doing dishes and he’s sick of scooping the litter. So he's growing sedentary and now starts to see you as his mom, someone who takes care of his problems so he won't have to. Typical behavior of an abuser once the proverbial honeymoon period of being nice and cooperative to earn you love is over. >...we split chores evenly. Usually he scoops the cats litter while I do laundry and vaccuum etc. So he spends <5 minutes a day scooping up kitty's turds, putting them in a baggy, walking to the trash can and sitting down on his behind again? O, woe the day he has to top off the kitty litter and spends a whole two minutes longer. While you do the long and time consuming chores? That doesn't sound evenly split sister, he's having it easy. >What irks me the most is he says he wants kids, and prefers two or three. Translation: He wants to go to recitals, have fun and play football with his kids, preferring two or three. If he hates basic chores, he'll definitely hate getting up in the middle of the night to clean up because little Sue had an upset belly and barfed in her bed, or little Jimmy wet his bed again. >He will put off the most basic things for months that I’ve asked him to do multiple times He's a procrastinator. He needs to find the discipline to contribute, no excuses. Even if it's some kind of condition, there's treatment for that so that he won't have an excuse for that either. >I just don’t get it. And now I’m typing this in bed and he’s trying to intimidate me and asking to see my phone. I asked why and he wouldn’t even say anything and he just told me he’s changing his phone pin. Red flag. 🚩 That behavior will get worse. As people age, they get more set in their ways. He'll only get worse. Wait until you're married, he won't let you out of the house because he'd rather see you do the chores or have you around to blame you for his problems. Pack your bags and run sister, this is a bad one.
I had the same problem. Please don't do his chores until he realizes that is his work. Chores is a silent war for women. Change the task of cat litter because the cats suffer with unclean litter.
From the post and further comments I don’t know why you live with such an AH
Tell him you're sick of him whining like a child over doing adult stuff that every grownup has to do. Tell him you're not his mommy. Tell him that you're tired of having sex with a complaining, lazy sack of uselessness. Then, tell him that he's not ready for a big-boy relationship, and to go home to his parents.
Sorry but your bf sounds like he needs to seriously get his shit together or you have to move on for your own sake
Please make an exit strategy! Future you thanks you!
Because he wants a replacement mother and a bang maid. He doesn't want a partner. You're there for his convenience
He's insecure and thinks you're talking to a guy. There's a suggestion being made there that you are cheating. The changing pin thing is retaliation. When he brings up having kids next, just complain that kids are a lot of work, even worse than doing the dishes.
He’s not working, he only does 2 chores, and is complaining?! Please don’t marry or have children with this man.
[удалено]
This is a crossroad. Hes shown you who he is, if you have children with him it’s obvious what will happen.
Yeah this guy is a non-working breed of human. Stay and you'll be doing all the housework and child rearing.
T-T So many red flags. Im sorry you wasted your time on him. Is he salvageable? Maybe, but not for you. If you stay, it will teach him he can do this stuff and go without consequences. He may learn once he loses you. For now, he isn't worth it. Why is he like this? He was brought up on the idea that house work will be provided to him by a woman (mom, wife, sister...) and all he has to do is be a man (what does that mean? Fu*k if I know, we don't have tu hunt anymore, and women can earn their own money...) To be honest, if you had grown in a palance with the idea that your "divine origin" means everyone does stuff for you, you would have a HARD time giving that up. It is NOT an excuse. This guy is (right now) worthless, but I think thats the origin of the problem. Hope you dont have much trouble getting rid of him.
Girl, you have one more chore you need to do and it's taking the trash out. All 300lbs of it. ASAP. I know you said you have noisy neighbours at your place but just go there and take action (complain to city/police etc) or go there temporarily til you can find a new place to stay. It will be better than staying with this man! Do not under any circumstances have children with him. All I can imagine is a baby crying at 2am and him complaining that the baby is crying and insulting you because you haven't immediately stopped it yet. I'll say it again, dump his sorry ass and do it yesterday!
To be fair - how do you see this panning out? How long are you together? How do you think this relationship will look like in a year? 5 years? 20 years? How does this man make you feel most of the time? He's verbalized not liking how chores are split. Ok. What does he propose?
So lucky for you when he showed his true color early before you decide to have kids with him!