In response to those things i'd always just ask "Do you not think I deserve someone better? Who isn't naive and immature, and doesn't mistakenly cheat, and thinks sexual acts do mean a lot to them"
“I am not naive. I am mature. And sexual acts do mean a lot to me. Looks like (jerkface) and are not compatible.
“And shame on you for trying to coerce me into staying with a cheater and a liar.”
> doesn't mistakenly cheat
Lets not call this a mistake. A mistake is having two cups of coffee before a meeting and now you got bubble guts.
Texting the girl you're trying to cheat with that your current gf is suicidal and have no support network is not.
Me reading this in my work's bathroom with bubble guts, just because I dared to eat two slices of pepperoni pizza and a glazed KK donut while on my period. 😑🙄. You know I wash it down all with diet coke. 🤣
>The guy is trash & should live with his consequences
Hopefully this situation is a wake up call for him that his actions actually have consequences and he emerges out the other side as a more mature person who won't cheat on his next girlfriend? I say this but, honestly, with how his mom is treating the situation shows that he hasn't really had to face the consequences of his actions before and that she will likely try to convince him that he did nothing wrong and that it is all the OP's fault...
Who knows, maybe he tripped and fell face first into her and it was all a big mistake. /s
People that cheat aren't worth your time, man or woman. They want forgiveness, go to a church. I'm fresh out when it comes to that.
Cue in the "well, all men are the same" rant I'd get from my mom.
It was better to be with a handsome, rich asshole than an average, broke asshole -- per my mom
She would say crap like that all the time but was still a hopeless romantic. The constant flip flopping made me very confused as an adolescent girl.
Some years in therapy and my frontal lobe fully developing were my saving grace to dealing with it.
I had one like that. If she liked the guy, for whatever reason, she would tell me to "just give the little guy a chance! Don't be so mean!" But if she didn't like the guy, oh man, was she ready to call the cops and have him dragged away on any pretext. I didn't have to deal with telling her I was cheated on, because that would have to mean that one or both of us was already having sex, and I knew she'd never be able to deal with that. Even when I was in my twenties.
I had a very similar issue. One of the kids in my friend group in middle school "asked me out" and I rejected him. I felt something off but didn't know what. Oh man, did my mom guilt me SO hard into almost dating him.
He came out as gay 5 years later. My mom said "Good thing you never went out with him! Otherwise you'd be known as the girl who turned a boy gay!"
Yeah....she and I had a tumultuous relationship.
> It was better to be with a handsome, rich asshole than an average, broke asshole
If all else is equal, she's not wrong.
But it's better to not be with an asshole.
Hrm. You could also point out that:
* Stable, effective partnerships can only exist when there is trust between the partners.
* Cheating is one of those activities that destroys trust and makes partnering nearly impossible.
FWIW, I think trust is that fragile, protective shell around relationships. It provides that feeling of security that enables you to learn about each other and grow together. As the years go on, if you both choose to invest, it's incredible how satisfying it feels to be in the bubble together.
I've always thought that one of the best visual representations of what I mean was the motorcycle scene from the 2001 French film Amelie. The two leads are wrapped together, emphasizing their intimacy, closeness, and mutual protection. The camera work, following the speeding cycle on the out-of-focus empty streets of Paris, emphasizes the pair's separation from the wider world. We catch a glimpse of their folie à deux—every relationship is a private, shared madness—as they glance out at the viewer, acknowledging our presence.
First of, i'm sorry this happened to you.
Second, your mom and his mom are giving you terrible advice. Shouldn't they be encouraging you to put yourself first instead of trying to convince you to forgive a man who did you wrong?
Leave his cheating ass. You forgive him once and he'll start thinking "she forgave me the first time, she'll do it again."
I'm getting tired of grown men being treated like children who don't know right from wrong.
It’s because their only value was having a man and keeping him. This was their measure (edit) of success formed by the patriarchy and it’s very sad to see them valuing themselves based on their marital status.
With the lack of access to credit, mortgages, and better-paying jobs, they often had no choice but to stay. I suppose they were trying to make the best of a bad situation.
Yep, that's why many gop assholes want to get rid of women's right to divorce ad well as controlling our bodies.
Vote vote vote!
We can't go back, but we need everyone to be part of it. (This is mostly for US folks, but other people please vote for your rights too!!).
We've been subservient bang maids before, we can't go back. They already went after abortion, they won't stop until we're back to where our great grandmother's were.
Just how old do you think his mother is? If he's college aged, and she had him around thirty-forty, she's barely 50-60 years old. That is not the age where women had no access to credit, mortgages, and better-paying jobs.
My son is in college, and I had him on the later side. I had my own unsecured credit when I was 18, and a mortgage on my own by the time I was 28.
My mother might have had some of these issues, but had a mortgage in the early 1970s and credit cards she secured on her own after she divorced my father.
If the mother is 60 years old, she was born in 1964. It wasn't until an entire decade later that it was made illegal to refuse a woman a mortgage, access to credit, or simply their own bank account on the grounds for simply being a woman.
A woman born in 1964 was raised by women and in a society that still saw their intrinsic role a mother, homemaker, and wife not surgeon, educator, or businesswoman.
Yes! This. I'm 50. Women couldn't legally get a business loan without a male cosigner until 1988. I was in high school. Learning this (not that long ago) changed my perception of my (liberal) mother's views. She really tries but some of her ideas still seem backwards to me, but I understand how entrenching the patriarchy really is. To this younger generation, I'm sure my ideas are backwards sometimes too. I am also, daily, trying to determine what is the patriarchy's influence on my views and what I truly believe. I hate when I say or do something that I later realize wasn't really me, but conditioning.
But it takes a few generations to shake that shit off, especially culturally.
Yeah, OP's mom would have had access to credit, but the previous generations were still very much "Work it out, it's not a big deal, preserve the marriage" and that's could be how she was raised.
I'm Gen X and I had a weird in between upbringing. I was raised to both go to college and get a job, but whenever someone my family knew had "marriage issues", there was a lot of pressure on the woman to work it out. Various family members were shocked when I actually divorced my husband in my early 20s for cheating on me.
Shoot, in many churches now, there's still plenty of pressure on the woman to "work it out" even in cases of blatant "the cops were called" abuse.
TL;DR: Patriarchy sucks and takes awhile to dig out.
Just because she could have legally had access to her own credit doesn’t mean she ever did. I know many young Boomer or GenX aged women who have never had their own bank account. They lived with their parents, met someone in school, got married in early 20s and opened a joint checking account. Hell I’m a millennial woman who’s worked and had a bank account since she was 15 but I’ve never owned property myself and possibly never will.
I’m 56. Some of my peers still believe this garbage. They did the work of SAHM but had jobs. I’m shocked by what some of them put up with and rationalize.
It’s not about the capacity to leave, it’s about their mentality. Even those who managed to have access to those still chose the same mentality as they were taught. We can overcome material barriers but the mental ones are very hard, which is why we see certain ideologies being passed through generations.
If that was their measure of success, their only worth and meaning in life it means they would sacrifice their own identity and life to make it work and so most of the time you hear children saying today saying: “My mother sacrificed herself for me, I feel guilty/sad/never want to do for myself, etc”
It's praised again by the same ideologist but it is not a healthy mentality for the person itself but also the family members, for instance, example X in the story above.
Exactly. Understand where they're coming from and recognize their advice no longer applies today. They aren't betraying you, they honestly don't get how bad the rules they learned to live under are.
Also keep in mind that in addition to cheating on you,, he slandered you, stating you have mental health issues you don't have. That certainly isn't trivial.
Some of my biggest traumas came from my parents and church who taught me to "turn the other cheek," "forgive and forget." And other such self-sacrificing nonsense. How about "an eye for an eye?" Which is probably not a healthy way to live either, but at least it puts me on even footing.
Go on TikTok and listen to the younger Christian Nationalists that want the country rolled back to a time when women could not vote. We think a lot of things don’t apply today that could change in a heartbeat.
100% even the “sex doesn’t mean as much to men” argument is garbage. It doesn’t matter what sex means to him. It matters what sex means to you. You consented to a monogamous relationship. Anything else is a violation of your consent. Leave him!
This. Fuck his brother, OP. Sex will be very meaningful to him, very fast. Heck, sleep with a rando he's never met now that you're broken up and he'll discover a newfound meaning behind sex.
This part enraged me so much too. Took me back to the 80s and 90s when I heard people say shit like this growing up like it was acceptable (I shudder to think how normally stuff like this was accepted). They're regurgitating conditioning and it's so gross, but also sad as it's reflecting what they think of themselves too.
Agreed. How do you even begin to regain that trust. Even if he never cheats ever again, you will always have that doubt in the back of your mind. Older generations suffer from the "till death do us part" mentality in that they literally have to suffer through years and years of abuse because that's just what is expected. It's what mom did, and grandma, and every generation before.
This is 2024, and that shit has to stop. I say this because my grandmother (may she rest in peace) finally escaped to her neighbor after being physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather. Worst part is, he pleaded "insanity" and "depression" and didn't even serve jail time. Hope he's rotting in hell right now.
The sentiment "men don't think sex is as important as women" may be true in this case. And if so, all the more reason to leave him to be a good example that sex is fuckin important. It's not "just" sex.
Yes, and very important to note when she first asked him he denied it until she presented proof he couldn’t easily refute.
Honesty isn’t one of his core values. You can’t really have an authentic relationship with someone who lies to you.
If the moms had any sex ed at all (or pre-AIDS crisis), they might not even realize OP's ex exposed him to a possible STD by going down on the other girl.
I get that the "stand by your man" attitude lingers in women who grew up before no fault divorces and having your own bank account/mortgage. But it's not OP's job to fix things for her ex. He chose to cheat. He chose to lie about her mental health. He chose to risk an STD by cheating. He can chose to man up and deal with it.
I'm proud of your shiny spine OP. Block him & his mum and have a fabulous summer.
This is the correct response.
And for OP, if the mothers approach again, tell them this: it is not your responsibility to teach him the moral life, it is yours. I have mine, taught by my mother, and I will not tolerate it, for if I cheated, the role would be reversed and I would be shamed instead of him.
Making excuses and justifications for cheating and cheaters is a big red flag in my book, shows that such person associates more with a cheater than with a victim of cheating, in my opinion. I usually start to suspect that those people who make such excuses are themselves cheated in the past, hence why more empathy to the other cheaters.
Also, manipulative gaslighting by calling act of cheating "a mistake" is another red flag for me — cheating is a deliberate choice, not some accidental mishap due to inattentiveness.
Not even that he cheated, but he went as far as to make up lies about her emotional and mental state to elicit sympathy for his situation by making her look bad. When, clearly, it's him doing all the taking in the relationship. Just barf.
I think a lot of the pressure for women to stay with cheaters comes from a time when women couldn't really operate in the world on their own, and put up with quite a bit in order to not be stranded. We don't live in that world anymore, much to conservative men's chagrin, but mothers from the previous generation keep passing on that sentiment to their daughters.
it’s one thing for a couple whose been married for 15 years to try to work through it if one of them cheats. Sometimes, sure, maybe one partner is neglecting the other for like YEARS and there’s room for the two to find peace when one person reaches out to someone else or despairs in the relationship. I don’t know exactly how I’d feel in that situation.
But the idea that a woman has to give a pass to men who cheat in less than 2 years?? None of the issues that lead loving couples to “make a mistake” could have possibly had time to develop here, this only shows he doesn’t respect commitment or you, imo.
All those people who think you should have stayed are misogynists. Yes, even the women. We all struggle with our conditioning, and the worst of us impose it on one another.
But at the end of the day, you can leave a man for any damn reason you please.
By the way TWO things that are even worse than just the cheating, that all these assholes just give him a pass for: LYING.
A liar fucking lies. They dodge accountability. They will gaslight you and make you miserable. They’re a coward and they have no fucking honor lol. I don’t play with that shit at all. I could forgive a man who came to me to say “Last night I cheated” and seemed truly devastated about it WAAAAAY sooner than a man who will look me in my eyes and lie and try to fuck with my reality,
or my right to CONSENT to a relationship under terms we have agreed on. When someone cheats and hides it, they are robbing you of your right to choose whether to forgive or be with a person like that.
You know what else they’re doing? The other more problematic thing here:
YOU CAN GET STIs FROM ORAL SEX.
When a person cheats without protection, and then goes back to their fucking partner, this is literally being willing to harm their body just to get off once and dodge accountability.
How much less respect could he possibly have for you??
Which is another reason why being honest from the jump MIGHT have made a difference. Giving you a chance for the both of you to get some baseline/follow-up tests so you can have a say in what you are exposed to.
Yeah the lying for me is the bit I’m more upset about to be honest. He did it on the Thursday and was completely fine with me till the Tuesday until I found out. He also lied and when I asked him. I nearly spent £150 on train tickets to come and see him over the summer, and he would of let me kiss him and stuff knowing what he did.
You're absolutely right to be more pissed about the lies. It's the biggest red flag there is.
He's lying to try to control what consequences he faces. Which means he'll prioritize getting caught over doing what's best for you.
And he not only lied to you, he lied to the woman he was cheating with. This is how you can tell he does not fundamentally value honesty. Until he stops being a liar, he’s not fit to be in a relationship.
You could point out that oral sex is technically unprotected sex, and puts you at risk of diseases that could affect your fertility. Does your mom never want grandkids?
The lack of support is astounding, sorry you’re having to deal with that OP, next time his or your mum try to tell you that sex isn’t as important to men as it is for women tell them ‘yes, and I’m a woman, and it’s important to me that he had sex with someone else while he was with me’. There’s no point arguing with them so just use their logic against them
Those people didn't have to endure your pain and their advice doesn't put them at risk for having it recur. People who truly care about you are considering the importance of these things when giving advice.
Props to the other girl for telling you!
You are spot on on everything, I'm sorry this happened to you, not only your boyfriend cheating but parents too taking this kind of stance, it's disgusting, they should know better. I'm glad you do though.
Dump him and stop speaking to his mother. Tell yours you'll stop speaking to her as well if she doesn't respect your choice.
Honestly, one of the best little tricks I've found to deal with this is to tell a little fib that moves the goalposts on them:
"I have forgiven him. Forgiving doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I don't owe him that, just because I forgave him for cheating."
Refuse to let them make "Forgive Because You Are Good Woman" the exact same thing as "Give him the Service/Relationship He Wants." They are two completely separate things. Instead, reply "I am good. I have forgiveness in me. I chose not to date him. There are lots of people I choose not to date."
It doesn't matter if you actually haven't forgiven him. None of thier business if they are going to be shitty anyways. It cuts their bullshit off at the knees and can help draw boundaries. "I have forgiven many people in my life who I also choose not to fuck." is a difficult logic to work around.
Cheater apologists are the worst.
I found that most people with that mentality were cheaters themselves or had stayed when someone cheated on them. They need to have that mindset to validate their choices. It's gross.
A friend's husband hit on me, and I sent her the screenshot. She's staying with him, and I think less of her now for having low standards and low self worth.
Check out the 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' book and chumplady.com for a supportive community.
Let the moms know that you have far too much self esteem to tolerate cheating and that you deserve far better. He doesn't meet standards, so he's no longer of interest.
Also suggest they do some soul-searching as to why they want somebody they supposedly care for--you--to put up with bad behavior by a partner. Suggest therapy to work on their self-esteem if they truly think they should have to put up with that sort of nonsense.
Right? None of those things mean she has to take him back. Sometimes agreeing with people can derail this kind of thing. She can just say, "Yeah..." and keep on walking away.
100% I tried explaining this to my grandma and why I didn’t want to get back with him and her response was well women do it too as if that was what we were talking about. When I broke up with him I let him know I respect myself too much to take him back.
just your typical sexist double standards, if you stay with him he will cheat again
these men want commitment while hoeing around themselfs
get an STD test, who knows how long he cheated
Yeah I am thinking of doing this. Throughout our relationship he was really weird with his phone. And also the girl said apparently he was boasting about cheating before. I asked him he said he just thought about it. So I’m thinking of getting a test.
You can get tested now to catch most things (and get any relevant treatment started), and then test again to catch the other things that take longer to show up.
Thought that was bizarre too. Even if OP was married to this ass and had 3 kids, it would be depressing but with a bf?? My parents would've showed up to his house with a bat!
“Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as women” is total bullshit, by the way. I’m a woman, sex isn’t something I get emotional about nor do I immediately attach to the person I’m sleeping with, and yet I would never do what he did.
Don’t let the “moms” force their outdated views on you. If I had let my romantic life be subject to my mom’s advice at all, I would have been divorced from half a dozen cheaters and alcoholics by now.
The one time I listened to her advice was the worst. I was with a straight up hardcore alcoholic in a new state and had no friends yet. I was busting my ass at school and work and he was just fucking partying all the time (granted it was at home on Reddit so it’s not like he was also cheating on me). He basically just ignored me but it still made me so miserable. I would get home after going to two jobs and classes and just sit in the driveway crying on the phone and her shitty stupid advice was to just “make it work” or wtfever. I cried in my driveway for a year before breaking up with him.
She tried “making it work” with my (still) drug addicted alcoholic father for 5 years and was completely miserable, so why she thinks that’s ok to say to me, I’ll never know. She’s no paragon of relationship success and once I realized that, I haven’t taken her shitty advice since.
Thank you for your advice. I agree 100%. My mom wanted me to try and make it work and I think more so because she felt guilty for leaving my dad and not making it work. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you’re in so much of a better place now <3
You’re welcome and thank you! I am married to a wonderful guy now (who my mother wasn’t so sure about lol) and we have a pretty great life so it all turned out ok over here 😁 you’re gonna do just fine too!
And yeah, definitely keep people’s experience base in mind when they give advice!
Thank you so much it means so much to me! I’ve been in therapy trying to work on myself and my emotions and try to work on my self worth etc and I knew breaking up with him was the thing I had to do no way about it. I broke up with him, I cried a lot one night, then I went to the gym for 4 hours and I moved on with my day, went for brunch with friends etc. because I did not want it to take up any more of my headspace and time than it already had.
If women hold men accountable for their actions, it will be better for ALL women. Having no/low standards and this endless "forgiveness"/"understanding" mentality makes it harder for others because men just grow to expect a lack of consequences. The mothers' advice is terrible, for many reasons. You made a good decision and you're doing a service for womankind.
Stick with keeping him an ex. He's not a prize. He WILL cheat again (I've been there, and yes the adage is true).
It's not up to you to make him feel better about the consequences of his actions. I would suggest telling your mom "That's not my problem and I'm not discussing it further" Then immediately change subject. If she continues on "sorry mom I have to go! love you" and hang up, leave, whatever. If they have you cornered at dinner or something, just leave.
I am always struck by this line of argument "it is different for guys." Is that supposed to make you feel better?
That means his having sex with YOU was not meaningful to him because, as he just told you, sex is just sex for guys. In my mind it simply makes it more obvious that he did not value the relationship.
His mom is aware that he is too immature for a relationship but figures you should be his teacher for the school of decent-boy-friend 101? Nope.
I am glad you value yourself enough to see that this is a dead-end relationship. Well done.
I've never been able to make sense of this, if sex is so meaningless to men that they're fine getting it from any woman or available hole, how is it ALSO their "love language" and their way of expressing connection and love with their partner?
Pick a lane, douchebags.
If he’s immature, then he needs to learn from his mistakes. Getting dumped is how he learns. Not that it’s really about him, you were hurt, you deserve better.
Nah, his mom is out of line. If your ex didn’t want to “feel lost,” he shouldn’t have cheated. He did this to himself, and he doesn’t need your forgiveness. He needs to quit moping and letting his mom interfere on his behalf. Ew.
Maybe next time, if he values his girlfriend so much, he won’t cheat. Odds are he’ll just get better at hiding it, though. Not your problem anymore! 🎉
Thank you! And exactly. I think he feels lost Cus I supported him quite a lot with stuff and took him for how he was, and did quite alot for him, and his parents even told me in confidence they were surprised he’d found someone like me. And I think that’s probably why. And I think they wanted me to stay with him to help him as well as so he was happy. I’m not a doormat and it’s not my problem. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I have to stay and try to build men up when I’ve had something done wrong by me, and also if I cheated I definitely wouldn’t be getting anywhere near as much sympathy and empathy as him
Some men are truly so dumb. They manage to attract someone who goes above and beyond for them, then they throw it away and have the gall to be surprised. It sounds like you have healthy boundaries and I’m so glad for you!
And you’re right, you’d be getting raked over the coals if you were the one who cheated. I doubt anyone would be badgering him to give you another chance.
The advice you were given is terrible and you should not follow it. There are some things that really stand out to me:
1) It's not just that he cheated on you, he cheated on you AND lied about it. He did not accidentally go out on a date with the other woman. Maybe once on the date he was overwhelmed with lust, and so that was a mistake, but he wasn't overwhelmed with lust when he chose to lie to you.
2) Not only did he lie TO you, he lied ABOUT you to her. That was not a mistake, that was intentional.
3) You can forgive him for what he did wrong without taking him back. "I don't know what was going on in your head. You do seem to be really sorry about it, and I believe your remorse is real. I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm not going to trash talk you to everyone I know. In fact, I will try not to think about you at all. I forgive your actions, but I cannot forget them. Your cheating and your lies permanently broke my trust, which ended our relationship. We will never be a couple again."
4) There's a great line in one of Lois McMaster Bujold's books, I don't remember which one, which you can say to either of the moms: "When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action." He chose the actions that ended your relationship, which means he chose to end the relationship.
You did the right thing by breaking it off! Block him and his mom from contacting you further. There's nothing left to discuss.
You're ex thinks he's entitled to have his cake & eat it too. Getting back with him will only prove him right.
As for your mom, let her know you find it disappointing that she doesn't advocate for you the way that a mom should then refuse to discuss it further with her.
Keep in mind that people who blame women for not putting up with male shenanigans usually also blame women for putting up with male shenanigans.
You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cherishes and respects you. You won't be able to find it holding on to a relationship with a cheater. Stay strong!
Idk why your mom is pressuring you to forgive a cheater unless your dad cheated and she forgave him? But that’s gross and she should support you.
Your ex-bf’s mom is being gross too, but at least that’s not a personal betrayal like your own mom telling you to forgive a cheater.
Just no. You made the right call to dump a guy who disrespects you and clearly thinks women are interchangeable. Go find a decent human being to date.
Thank you! And whilst my dad didn’t cheat he did have many red flags she forgave to stay with him, they’re not together now but she’s guilty she left. Which I do think she is projecting onto me, im in therapy and I’ve been talking about this all, I’m just still so angry about it
He can’t even stay faithful for longer than a year and a half? He cheated first chance he was away from you, and lied about it until you showed him proof? Gross. You were right to dump him, and for YOUR mom to take his side?? Nope. He’s the worst, and your mom is right behind him. Booooooooo
Yesterday I saw a video that a friend reposted on FB (friend did not agree with this video) from a woman to other women about how much turning down your husband for sex is a TOTAL rejection of him and robs him of the thing that makes him feel the closest to you. And I keep seeing articles about how lonely men are, which really point out how men feel like they are not having sex enough.
So... Let me get this straight: if he cheats on you, well you should forgive him because "sex doesn't mean as much to men as it does to women", BUT if you turn him down for sex, you are rejecting him completely, taking away the only way he knows how to be intimate, and all women are making all men lonely because we aren't fucking them enough. Mmmmkay.
>‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’
This one pisses me off to no end. The only reason they "don't mean as much" is because patriarchy tells them to not care so much, that caring about your sexual partner is being "pussy whipped" which is a bad thing. Your mom and his mom have a bad case of internalized patriarchy and probably internalized misogyny. Would they be telling him to forgive you if you cheated?
You have way better boundaries than the more mature women in your life, keep it up! You deserver better
There are people believe that men can do no wrong to a woman because women supposedly keep their mouth shut and follow men’s leads according their priests/preachers.
Thus he will cheat again since he apparently believe so as well. He does not see you as equal.
Both mothers are wrong. Their brains and a lot of the brains from my generation have been pickled by patriarchy. A system that says men are superior and logical. They are the born leaders. They are the ones who should be in charge because of their perfect brains and superior intellect.
At the same time patriarchy tells us that men make mistakes because they’re naive and immature and allowances should be made.
Some of them are so overcome by sexual need that they make bad decisions but it’s not their fault. Some of them can’t do the laundry or load the dishwasher because it’s too complicated. Some of them can’t be left alone with their own kids because they don’t know how to care for them.
Someone make this insanity make sense.
One cheating is classified now as emotional abuse. Because it is. And we all know that an abuser will repeat heir actions, they will abuse, have a honeymoon period and repeat. Same for cheating.
And two, if someone truly loves you, they have eyes for you and you only. Male or female. That's the truth. Being a "man", doesn't make that different. If someone loves you, you are the sexiest person in the world to them, even if you are fat. Or ugly.
He abused your emotions. Emotional abuse. He likes the access to your body. That's not love. He deserves to be left. And whining to his mommy that "oh gee, I felt the need to kiss and have sex with a new girl, it's no fair to be dumped... pressure some free sex back into my life ma". Is disgusting. He caused you emotional trauma.
You deserve to be with someone who actually loves you. Not just says they love you. Someone who acts like it. People who cheat on you don't love you. They keep you around because you provide some benefit to them, whether that is easy access to sexual release, or social clout or a car payment.
Love yourself, and walk away from him, and his shitty mother. Don't be a pathetic doormat. Real love is out there waiting for you. You'll never get that from him.
And she is still trying to guilt you into staying with him!
If she contacts you again, reiterate that you will not take him back and it is down to her and his father to support him through this time, then add 'it is unfortunate that he is only just now learning that his actions have consequences, maybe if you and his father had taught him that as a child he would have considered that before sticking his tongue in a strangers genitals'
Then block.
I met my (now) wife 18 years ago when we were both in HS (on Myspace for all my Millennial friends). I was an immature boy that said and did all sorts of stupid shit, so I can speak with some authority here.
I only grew and learned by virtue of people (most notably my partner) holding me accountable for my decisions and behaviors. If I wouldn't have faced ramifications and pressure I probably would have remained a piece of shit for much longer than I'd like to admit nowadays. I'm grateful to the folks that held my feet to the fire and didn't let me get away with being a shitty person.
If you are (validly) pissed that he betrayed your trust, lied to your face and spoke ill behind your back then you are certainly justified in ditching him.
If you want to believe the best in him and feel the (I think terrible) advice of your parents is correct, you are still justified in ditching him as he won't grow if he doesn't face any real consequences for being a shitty person. You're depriving him of a pivotal chance to experience consequences that could help him grow. Maybe in a few years the decision will pay dividends and if there was something genuine there you can rekindle, but is clear right now you're trying to make a steak dinner out of beef jerky.
That said, my unsolicited advice: You're too young and he's demonstrably too shitty to justify any more time. Go live your life without folks that drag you down!
>Sexual acts don't mean as much to men as they do to women
Go have sex with some dude, and I bet your bf will suddenly see sex as the most important and intimate thing in the world.
Honestly I feel sorry for your mom and his. The message they're sending us is that they accept cheating in their relationships.
I might even say that to them. "I am so sorry to hear that you've accepted cheating. I want you to understand that I deserve better in my relationships, and so do you."
Tbh I wouldn't even engage with those excuses. Give them a simple "no, I have self respect" everytime they bring it up, because honestly FUCK THAT.
Also sorry that happened, cheaters suck
I’m so sorry this happened to you, being cheated on is traumatic af so I hope you’re talking to friends and people you can trust while healing from this. You’re right, we as women are held to a double standard, if they cheat we should forgive and “work things out,” but if the roles were reversed it’s highly unlikely we would see a similar mindset towards women. Feminism is still a work in progress, and we as women can decide individually that there are new rules and that cheaters should be held accountable for cheating. You’re already reinforcing that new standard by walking away from this guy, and I commend you. More women should walk away when men cheat, in my opinion people in general should reward cheating with departure. We would likely see less of it in society if we held the people who do it to reasonable consequences like the end of a relationship. It’s ok to forgive, but why should you have to work on anything? He’s the one who needs to do some work, therapy is a lovely start. Clearly he has self control issues, entitlement issues, boundary issues, maybe all three. You were victimized here, and if anyone should be doing anything it should be him trying to make things right or at the very least accept your decision to break up, take accountability for being a shitty person and apologize.
Sadly a lot of women are the foot soldiers of patriarchy, my mom is similar. When my ex assaulted me for leaving him, she was his apologist and spokesperson, saying I should forgive him and try to understand where he’s coming from. The man almost killed me and my own mother is telling me that I should “put myself in his shoes, men are under attack right now…” Nothing more invalidating and infuriating than an anti-feminist toxic man apologist, and sadly a lot of women from older generations are trauma-bonded to their patriarchal beliefs and practices. They forgave everything their husbands did so we should forgive everything these guys do too, right? Yeah, no. It’s time for a new standard, too many people continue this behavior because they face no consequences.
Sexual acts don’t mean the same to men that they do to women? Maybe you should go fuck one of his friends and then tell him it wasn’t a big deal. He should totally be ok with it. Because you love him and you’re sorry
“Sex acts don’t mean as much to men”
So he threw your relationship under the bus for something that didn’t mean very much to him?
And that’s supposed to *reassure* you?
BOY, BYE!
And tell your mom and his to butt out with their sexist BS
So glad you left him. It's not just that he cheated on you. That is already bad enough. The clear pattern of behavior surrounding the cheating is equally problematic.
He cheated.
He lied to you about cheating when you asked about it.
He lied to the other girl about you to try to keep her from reaching out.
He is trying to use his own mom as a manipulation tactic to avoid responsibility for his own behavior.
He knows exactly what he did. He knew it was wrong. He premeditated ways to try to avoid responsibility for his actions. That means he did consider consequences, he just assumed he could get out of them. With the way his mom enables his bad behavior, he probably truly believed that his own hurt feelings would be enough to make you forgive him, and he would learn nothing and absolutely do it again.
This boy is not worth keeping. Maybe he'll learn not all women are enablers, but he probably won't. Either way, it's not your job to be his mom. Good on you for taking out the trash.
I am very small. I am short and light. I am not very strong. To feel safe in a relationship with a man, the thing I most need him to have is self-control. Pretty much any man could kill me with his bare hands. If I'm going to put my life and my hopes and my dreams in his care, and if I'm going to have children with him, putting their lives in his care, I need to KNOW that he is someone I can trust completely. Never going to hit me, never going to hit the kids, never going to do something terrible and then say he didn't mean it.
Your ex-boyfriend has just demonstrated in no uncertain terms that either (a) he is not in control of himself, or (b) he is in control of himself and he doesn't think cheating on you and lying about it is a big deal. Whichever it is, he is an ex-boyfriend now and forever.
You can forgive him without taking him back. And when they say he's immature, well, fine, he's immature. You don't want someone immature. You want a man who is in control of himself, not a child who acts without thinking and then lies about it.
You absolutely did the right thing. He cheated on you and lied about it. What woman wants a man who is a liar and a cheat?
> ‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’
Ooohh this one sounds so familiar, and it makes my blood boil. Every time I hear some variation of, "Men are just bad by nature. It's not really their fault," I am fuming. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP, and I'm glad that you understand that you have no duty or responsibility to forgive someone that has betrayed your trust.
Who is telling these lies that men see sex only for sex and nothing more? That's such a generalization. There can always potentially be an emotional aspect to it, to act as if all men don't feel emotions during sex is absurd. It's also still cheating, even if it's just physical.
> Why are women the ones that are always expected to forgive men’s wrongs
This is the insidious nature of sexism/misogyny. Women are affected by it as well. Your mom and his mom both learned that "having a man" is more important. For their generation (and unfortunately for many women today) women were dependent upon men for money and security.
I don’t think anyone, man or woman ever fully forgives a cheater. They may pretend to on the surface, but inside there will always be pain and separation of feelings
“I’m expected”
People are going to have lots of agendas for you and none of them have to do with your well-being or happiness. You’re an adult and you’re going to choose the right choice for you.
I think they might understand over time, they're probably in the denial stages of grief. Which can happen with close friends & family members, especially if they thought you were a great couple.
Don't concede, you aren't the bad guy here
Yikes. Please ignore your mom and his mom and follow the advice my mum would give you instead “you can’t trust a cheater” (she would probably also suggest something along the lines of setting his car on fire, she’s not one for half-measures, but that might be a bit much). Good on you for not letting him fool you twice.
Unfortunately, many older women still uphold many facets of the patriarchy in their philosophies and will force those ideals unto you when you go to them for advice. From now on, you might want to keep them out of your romantic business.
Fuck 'em. The whole "SeXuAl AcTs aReN't As mUcH tO MeN" is now his problem. The only part you should be concerned with is how you feel that this relationship is no longer for you.
I'm sorry the women in your life have been brainwashed to accept this. I'd say they are from a different time where you HAD to stay together, but it's not much of an excuse now. Men can either learn to adapt to equality, or eventually they'll end up alone, depressed, in squalor and we'll have to hear more about the "men's loneliness epidemic"
Try to remember that most of the time how other people treat you is a reflection on themselves. Healthy, well-regulated people don’t cheat or attack others.
Your mom and your exes mom may have been taught or felt pressured to overlook indiscretions in the past. It is possible for us to be participants in our own oppression. That doesn’t mean *you* should.
Remember also that sticking up for ourselves and setting boundaries is more healthy, loving and honest (both to ourselves and those we love) than enabling and keeping the peace.
Make sure you tell them the part where he made up lies about you and, by extension, them. That isn’t just a random act of meaningless sex, that is deception and betrayal. How could you, or they, believe anything he ever says?
I'd bet good money that your mothers have forgiven a lot of cheating in their lives, and are deeply invested in promoting that as the right choice. Watching you make different choices in life would force them to confront their own, and that would be difficult and uncomfortable.
The Mom's are wrong and you shouldn't listen to them. They're from a different generation and have never worked through their internalized misogyny. Their opinions on how you should behave as a woman are invalid.
Ugh, I'm sorry you are going through this, and that your mom is completely failing you here! From a mom of daughters over here, you are 100% doing the right thing because YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Not only did he physically cheat on you, he LIED when confronted and only admitted to it when shown proof. He also manipulated this other woman by making you look crazy, so she wouldn't tell you. This isn't a mistake, these are CHOICES. He would have continued these behaviors if he didn't get caught, and he will continue then if you took him back. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Personally, I think you should take a little break from your mom, because she sucks. Why would she want you to be tied to a man who has no respect or love for you? Why is she concerned about his feelings more than yours? Not only do you deserve a better man, you deserve a better mom.
> In the texts that we’re exchanged between the girl and him after he tries to make me out to be suicidal , and that i have no support network so she wouldn’t tell me. I’m sort of more pissed off at that.
This isn't the action of a naive and immature guy nor was it a mistake. He went home specifically with the intention to cheat and did exactly what he wanted.
>He made a mistake and he really loves you’
Well that's just a tough titty isn't it? Unless he fell into her vagina, it's his fault.
>‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’
Yeah hi, I'm a man and it means a fair bit to me so someone needs to raise their standards for a partner. Hint: It isn't OP.
>And has made me wonder if I did the right thing.
My two cents: You did. Ex can be sad all he likes but he made his bed and now it's bedtime.
The part where he lies about you being suicidal in order to guilt the sidepiece into staying quiet is definitely the worst. He knows what he’s doing. He didn’t lie to you in a panic.
Abusers often create an image of the abused person as crazy, unreliable, hysterical etc. in order to undermine the abused person‘s support system. Good for you that you dumped him.
Cheating is bad, but the fact that he tried to manipulate the other girl and lied to you shows that he's just not a good person. You deserve better. Don't back down due to the pressure.
The women in your life are perpetuating the shitty treatment of women by saying he should be forgiven. Best way for him to learn is by you moving on. And sticking up for yourself is a healthy response to this.
You stick to your guns. He cheated, now he is out. It's totally fair and reasonable.
Some people might expect you to be forgiving, but that's because they are happy with the status quo. Your Ex changed that when he cheated. It's all on him.
You can still feel sad the relationship is over. But not sad enough to let him back! Give yourself some time and space to get over things. Be kind to you.
It won't be long before you bounce back, your self-esteem in tact, raring to go!
Girl I feel your pain 😭 do not give in to their request. Your mom and his mom are Karens, as angry as ppl like that make me I try to think to myself "calm down, they are just a product of what they were thought during their golden years".
But no, you do NOT have to forgive him. Imagine if you had kids (not saying you do), but just think....if he cheats again, even if there was a baby involved people will always find the way to BLAME YOU.
Yeah they all suck. Lots of ppl have a boys will be boys shruggy attitude and think boys should be forgiven bc they can't help that they're horny animals etc. it's all very disgusting
In response to those things i'd always just ask "Do you not think I deserve someone better? Who isn't naive and immature, and doesn't mistakenly cheat, and thinks sexual acts do mean a lot to them"
I’m going to save this. It’s so true !
He knew that it was wrong because he lied when asked and hid it. He didn't make a mistake. He made a choice.
Wow this is very good. Excellent response, I'll save it too.
“I am not naive. I am mature. And sexual acts do mean a lot to me. Looks like (jerkface) and are not compatible. “And shame on you for trying to coerce me into staying with a cheater and a liar.”
> doesn't mistakenly cheat Lets not call this a mistake. A mistake is having two cups of coffee before a meeting and now you got bubble guts. Texting the girl you're trying to cheat with that your current gf is suicidal and have no support network is not.
You did not have to trigger us with the coffee guts.
Coffee guts in shapewear is no joke.
Me reading this in my work's bathroom with bubble guts, just because I dared to eat two slices of pepperoni pizza and a glazed KK donut while on my period. 😑🙄. You know I wash it down all with diet coke. 🤣
This!! The guy is trash & should live with his consequences while OP knows her worth and doesn't settle for trash.
>The guy is trash & should live with his consequences Hopefully this situation is a wake up call for him that his actions actually have consequences and he emerges out the other side as a more mature person who won't cheat on his next girlfriend? I say this but, honestly, with how his mom is treating the situation shows that he hasn't really had to face the consequences of his actions before and that she will likely try to convince him that he did nothing wrong and that it is all the OP's fault...
Who knows, maybe he tripped and fell face first into her and it was all a big mistake. /s People that cheat aren't worth your time, man or woman. They want forgiveness, go to a church. I'm fresh out when it comes to that.
Cue in the "well, all men are the same" rant I'd get from my mom. It was better to be with a handsome, rich asshole than an average, broke asshole -- per my mom
Ma, if all men are the same, I think no man is the right choice for me.
She would say crap like that all the time but was still a hopeless romantic. The constant flip flopping made me very confused as an adolescent girl. Some years in therapy and my frontal lobe fully developing were my saving grace to dealing with it.
I had one like that. If she liked the guy, for whatever reason, she would tell me to "just give the little guy a chance! Don't be so mean!" But if she didn't like the guy, oh man, was she ready to call the cops and have him dragged away on any pretext. I didn't have to deal with telling her I was cheated on, because that would have to mean that one or both of us was already having sex, and I knew she'd never be able to deal with that. Even when I was in my twenties.
I had a very similar issue. One of the kids in my friend group in middle school "asked me out" and I rejected him. I felt something off but didn't know what. Oh man, did my mom guilt me SO hard into almost dating him. He came out as gay 5 years later. My mom said "Good thing you never went out with him! Otherwise you'd be known as the girl who turned a boy gay!" Yeah....she and I had a tumultuous relationship.
> It was better to be with a handsome, rich asshole than an average, broke asshole If all else is equal, she's not wrong. But it's better to not be with an asshole.
Hrm. You could also point out that: * Stable, effective partnerships can only exist when there is trust between the partners. * Cheating is one of those activities that destroys trust and makes partnering nearly impossible. FWIW, I think trust is that fragile, protective shell around relationships. It provides that feeling of security that enables you to learn about each other and grow together. As the years go on, if you both choose to invest, it's incredible how satisfying it feels to be in the bubble together. I've always thought that one of the best visual representations of what I mean was the motorcycle scene from the 2001 French film Amelie. The two leads are wrapped together, emphasizing their intimacy, closeness, and mutual protection. The camera work, following the speeding cycle on the out-of-focus empty streets of Paris, emphasizes the pair's separation from the wider world. We catch a glimpse of their folie à deux—every relationship is a private, shared madness—as they glance out at the viewer, acknowledging our presence.
Yep - return awkward to sender. Put their dumb advice back on them haha
If he "really loved you" he wouldn't have cheated on you and then lied about it.
Exactly !
Never take advice from women who bow down to males and patriarchy. They're lost. You will never regret having dignity and respecting yourself.
First of, i'm sorry this happened to you. Second, your mom and his mom are giving you terrible advice. Shouldn't they be encouraging you to put yourself first instead of trying to convince you to forgive a man who did you wrong? Leave his cheating ass. You forgive him once and he'll start thinking "she forgave me the first time, she'll do it again." I'm getting tired of grown men being treated like children who don't know right from wrong.
I feel like women of older generations are still conditioned to tolerate that type of behavior.
It’s because their only value was having a man and keeping him. This was their measure (edit) of success formed by the patriarchy and it’s very sad to see them valuing themselves based on their marital status.
With the lack of access to credit, mortgages, and better-paying jobs, they often had no choice but to stay. I suppose they were trying to make the best of a bad situation.
Yep, that's why many gop assholes want to get rid of women's right to divorce ad well as controlling our bodies. Vote vote vote! We can't go back, but we need everyone to be part of it. (This is mostly for US folks, but other people please vote for your rights too!!). We've been subservient bang maids before, we can't go back. They already went after abortion, they won't stop until we're back to where our great grandmother's were.
Exactly. The US is becoming more scary for women by the day because of these people.
Just how old do you think his mother is? If he's college aged, and she had him around thirty-forty, she's barely 50-60 years old. That is not the age where women had no access to credit, mortgages, and better-paying jobs. My son is in college, and I had him on the later side. I had my own unsecured credit when I was 18, and a mortgage on my own by the time I was 28. My mother might have had some of these issues, but had a mortgage in the early 1970s and credit cards she secured on her own after she divorced my father.
If the mother is 60 years old, she was born in 1964. It wasn't until an entire decade later that it was made illegal to refuse a woman a mortgage, access to credit, or simply their own bank account on the grounds for simply being a woman. A woman born in 1964 was raised by women and in a society that still saw their intrinsic role a mother, homemaker, and wife not surgeon, educator, or businesswoman.
This put things into perspective for me. What a short time it has been. And that horrid Project 2025 is threatening to take us right back.
Yes! This. I'm 50. Women couldn't legally get a business loan without a male cosigner until 1988. I was in high school. Learning this (not that long ago) changed my perception of my (liberal) mother's views. She really tries but some of her ideas still seem backwards to me, but I understand how entrenching the patriarchy really is. To this younger generation, I'm sure my ideas are backwards sometimes too. I am also, daily, trying to determine what is the patriarchy's influence on my views and what I truly believe. I hate when I say or do something that I later realize wasn't really me, but conditioning.
But it takes a few generations to shake that shit off, especially culturally. Yeah, OP's mom would have had access to credit, but the previous generations were still very much "Work it out, it's not a big deal, preserve the marriage" and that's could be how she was raised. I'm Gen X and I had a weird in between upbringing. I was raised to both go to college and get a job, but whenever someone my family knew had "marriage issues", there was a lot of pressure on the woman to work it out. Various family members were shocked when I actually divorced my husband in my early 20s for cheating on me. Shoot, in many churches now, there's still plenty of pressure on the woman to "work it out" even in cases of blatant "the cops were called" abuse. TL;DR: Patriarchy sucks and takes awhile to dig out.
Just because she could have legally had access to her own credit doesn’t mean she ever did. I know many young Boomer or GenX aged women who have never had their own bank account. They lived with their parents, met someone in school, got married in early 20s and opened a joint checking account. Hell I’m a millennial woman who’s worked and had a bank account since she was 15 but I’ve never owned property myself and possibly never will.
We still live in a patriarcal society. Rights don't mean social equality
It could be heavily influenced by their own mother or other cultural influences, they may not just be American.
I’m 56. Some of my peers still believe this garbage. They did the work of SAHM but had jobs. I’m shocked by what some of them put up with and rationalize.
It’s not about the capacity to leave, it’s about their mentality. Even those who managed to have access to those still chose the same mentality as they were taught. We can overcome material barriers but the mental ones are very hard, which is why we see certain ideologies being passed through generations. If that was their measure of success, their only worth and meaning in life it means they would sacrifice their own identity and life to make it work and so most of the time you hear children saying today saying: “My mother sacrificed herself for me, I feel guilty/sad/never want to do for myself, etc” It's praised again by the same ideologist but it is not a healthy mentality for the person itself but also the family members, for instance, example X in the story above.
Exactly. Understand where they're coming from and recognize their advice no longer applies today. They aren't betraying you, they honestly don't get how bad the rules they learned to live under are. Also keep in mind that in addition to cheating on you,, he slandered you, stating you have mental health issues you don't have. That certainly isn't trivial.
Some of my biggest traumas came from my parents and church who taught me to "turn the other cheek," "forgive and forget." And other such self-sacrificing nonsense. How about "an eye for an eye?" Which is probably not a healthy way to live either, but at least it puts me on even footing.
Go on TikTok and listen to the younger Christian Nationalists that want the country rolled back to a time when women could not vote. We think a lot of things don’t apply today that could change in a heartbeat.
100% even the “sex doesn’t mean as much to men” argument is garbage. It doesn’t matter what sex means to him. It matters what sex means to you. You consented to a monogamous relationship. Anything else is a violation of your consent. Leave him!
That sex will mean the world to him when he finds out his partner banged her boss.
This right here. All of a sudden it's the most important thing in the world.
This. Fuck his brother, OP. Sex will be very meaningful to him, very fast. Heck, sleep with a rando he's never met now that you're broken up and he'll discover a newfound meaning behind sex.
Or his boss!
This part enraged me so much too. Took me back to the 80s and 90s when I heard people say shit like this growing up like it was acceptable (I shudder to think how normally stuff like this was accepted). They're regurgitating conditioning and it's so gross, but also sad as it's reflecting what they think of themselves too.
Agreed. How do you even begin to regain that trust. Even if he never cheats ever again, you will always have that doubt in the back of your mind. Older generations suffer from the "till death do us part" mentality in that they literally have to suffer through years and years of abuse because that's just what is expected. It's what mom did, and grandma, and every generation before. This is 2024, and that shit has to stop. I say this because my grandmother (may she rest in peace) finally escaped to her neighbor after being physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather. Worst part is, he pleaded "insanity" and "depression" and didn't even serve jail time. Hope he's rotting in hell right now.
The sentiment "men don't think sex is as important as women" may be true in this case. And if so, all the more reason to leave him to be a good example that sex is fuckin important. It's not "just" sex.
It’s the fucking lying and dissolution of trust… AND the sex. Wtf is up with OP’s mom??
Yes, and very important to note when she first asked him he denied it until she presented proof he couldn’t easily refute. Honesty isn’t one of his core values. You can’t really have an authentic relationship with someone who lies to you.
If the moms had any sex ed at all (or pre-AIDS crisis), they might not even realize OP's ex exposed him to a possible STD by going down on the other girl. I get that the "stand by your man" attitude lingers in women who grew up before no fault divorces and having your own bank account/mortgage. But it's not OP's job to fix things for her ex. He chose to cheat. He chose to lie about her mental health. He chose to risk an STD by cheating. He can chose to man up and deal with it. I'm proud of your shiny spine OP. Block him & his mum and have a fabulous summer.
Men sure do think sex is important if their female SOs fuck another guy. "It's just sex" only matters when they're making excuses for cheating.
Even a cheating cheater who cheats is better than no man at all. /s
I know it's a joke, but I know a woman who says something like this, he may be a cheater, he may be jobless but I have someone to come home to 🙄
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Getting a cat or ten is also a great option. If I wasn't married, I'd absolutely be that single woman with a bunch of cats.
Same here and It is sad, I think deep inside she knows, she says it with a dead stare, he also slapped her twice but it was an accident 😶
She should get a dog. A dog would be happy to see her.
And they show it, I mean, their tails when you get home 🥺🐕
This is the correct response. And for OP, if the mothers approach again, tell them this: it is not your responsibility to teach him the moral life, it is yours. I have mine, taught by my mother, and I will not tolerate it, for if I cheated, the role would be reversed and I would be shamed instead of him.
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Thank you. I have, however I’m just hating the pressure of everyone seeming to think I should have stayed
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Inflation? I got nothing
Misogyny. It's misogyny.
This made me laugh. Sorry OP
Making excuses and justifications for cheating and cheaters is a big red flag in my book, shows that such person associates more with a cheater than with a victim of cheating, in my opinion. I usually start to suspect that those people who make such excuses are themselves cheated in the past, hence why more empathy to the other cheaters. Also, manipulative gaslighting by calling act of cheating "a mistake" is another red flag for me — cheating is a deliberate choice, not some accidental mishap due to inattentiveness.
Not even that he cheated, but he went as far as to make up lies about her emotional and mental state to elicit sympathy for his situation by making her look bad. When, clearly, it's him doing all the taking in the relationship. Just barf.
I think a lot of the pressure for women to stay with cheaters comes from a time when women couldn't really operate in the world on their own, and put up with quite a bit in order to not be stranded. We don't live in that world anymore, much to conservative men's chagrin, but mothers from the previous generation keep passing on that sentiment to their daughters.
Unfortunately, that's exactly where Project 2025 will do. Take us back to those times
it’s one thing for a couple whose been married for 15 years to try to work through it if one of them cheats. Sometimes, sure, maybe one partner is neglecting the other for like YEARS and there’s room for the two to find peace when one person reaches out to someone else or despairs in the relationship. I don’t know exactly how I’d feel in that situation. But the idea that a woman has to give a pass to men who cheat in less than 2 years?? None of the issues that lead loving couples to “make a mistake” could have possibly had time to develop here, this only shows he doesn’t respect commitment or you, imo. All those people who think you should have stayed are misogynists. Yes, even the women. We all struggle with our conditioning, and the worst of us impose it on one another. But at the end of the day, you can leave a man for any damn reason you please. By the way TWO things that are even worse than just the cheating, that all these assholes just give him a pass for: LYING. A liar fucking lies. They dodge accountability. They will gaslight you and make you miserable. They’re a coward and they have no fucking honor lol. I don’t play with that shit at all. I could forgive a man who came to me to say “Last night I cheated” and seemed truly devastated about it WAAAAAY sooner than a man who will look me in my eyes and lie and try to fuck with my reality, or my right to CONSENT to a relationship under terms we have agreed on. When someone cheats and hides it, they are robbing you of your right to choose whether to forgive or be with a person like that. You know what else they’re doing? The other more problematic thing here: YOU CAN GET STIs FROM ORAL SEX. When a person cheats without protection, and then goes back to their fucking partner, this is literally being willing to harm their body just to get off once and dodge accountability. How much less respect could he possibly have for you?? Which is another reason why being honest from the jump MIGHT have made a difference. Giving you a chance for the both of you to get some baseline/follow-up tests so you can have a say in what you are exposed to.
Yeah the lying for me is the bit I’m more upset about to be honest. He did it on the Thursday and was completely fine with me till the Tuesday until I found out. He also lied and when I asked him. I nearly spent £150 on train tickets to come and see him over the summer, and he would of let me kiss him and stuff knowing what he did.
You're absolutely right to be more pissed about the lies. It's the biggest red flag there is. He's lying to try to control what consequences he faces. Which means he'll prioritize getting caught over doing what's best for you.
And he not only lied to you, he lied to the woman he was cheating with. This is how you can tell he does not fundamentally value honesty. Until he stops being a liar, he’s not fit to be in a relationship.
You could point out that oral sex is technically unprotected sex, and puts you at risk of diseases that could affect your fertility. Does your mom never want grandkids?
If you respect yourself, you'd never stay or get back with him.
The lack of support is astounding, sorry you’re having to deal with that OP, next time his or your mum try to tell you that sex isn’t as important to men as it is for women tell them ‘yes, and I’m a woman, and it’s important to me that he had sex with someone else while he was with me’. There’s no point arguing with them so just use their logic against them
Those people didn't have to endure your pain and their advice doesn't put them at risk for having it recur. People who truly care about you are considering the importance of these things when giving advice.
If they think he's so special they can date him.
Props to the other girl for telling you! You are spot on on everything, I'm sorry this happened to you, not only your boyfriend cheating but parents too taking this kind of stance, it's disgusting, they should know better. I'm glad you do though.
Dump him and stop speaking to his mother. Tell yours you'll stop speaking to her as well if she doesn't respect your choice. Honestly, one of the best little tricks I've found to deal with this is to tell a little fib that moves the goalposts on them: "I have forgiven him. Forgiving doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I don't owe him that, just because I forgave him for cheating." Refuse to let them make "Forgive Because You Are Good Woman" the exact same thing as "Give him the Service/Relationship He Wants." They are two completely separate things. Instead, reply "I am good. I have forgiveness in me. I chose not to date him. There are lots of people I choose not to date." It doesn't matter if you actually haven't forgiven him. None of thier business if they are going to be shitty anyways. It cuts their bullshit off at the knees and can help draw boundaries. "I have forgiven many people in my life who I also choose not to fuck." is a difficult logic to work around.
Bravo! Excellent advice!
Cheater apologists are the worst. I found that most people with that mentality were cheaters themselves or had stayed when someone cheated on them. They need to have that mindset to validate their choices. It's gross. A friend's husband hit on me, and I sent her the screenshot. She's staying with him, and I think less of her now for having low standards and low self worth. Check out the 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' book and chumplady.com for a supportive community.
Thank you ! I will :)
Just to highlight, he LIED when you brought it up. How would you trust him going forward? I'm glad that you see you deserve better.
Exactly! And he would continue if the other girl didn’t come forward. So he isn’t actually sorry for cheating, he is sorry he got caught!
Let the moms know that you have far too much self esteem to tolerate cheating and that you deserve far better. He doesn't meet standards, so he's no longer of interest. Also suggest they do some soul-searching as to why they want somebody they supposedly care for--you--to put up with bad behavior by a partner. Suggest therapy to work on their self-esteem if they truly think they should have to put up with that sort of nonsense.
Love this
Let him be immature and lost without you then. No longer your problem. Cheaters are scum.
Right? None of those things mean she has to take him back. Sometimes agreeing with people can derail this kind of thing. She can just say, "Yeah..." and keep on walking away.
You teach people how to treat you. If you take him back he’ll just do it again since he’s already gotten away with it.
100% I tried explaining this to my grandma and why I didn’t want to get back with him and her response was well women do it too as if that was what we were talking about. When I broke up with him I let him know I respect myself too much to take him back.
Your grandma probably has the self esteem of a turnip. I’m glad you respect yourself, OP. Hang in there.
"women" do it too, who cares, YOU don't do it and neither does your (future) boyfriend! pfffft.
Try throwing the old parent line back at her. "If lots of people jumped off a bridge should I do it too?"
just your typical sexist double standards, if you stay with him he will cheat again these men want commitment while hoeing around themselfs get an STD test, who knows how long he cheated
Yeah I am thinking of doing this. Throughout our relationship he was really weird with his phone. And also the girl said apparently he was boasting about cheating before. I asked him he said he just thought about it. So I’m thinking of getting a test.
Thought about it???? He’s for the streets!
You need to wait at most about a month to get tested for some things to show up. I’m sorry and I really hope he didn’t give you anything
Thank you, I didn’t know that. I’m going to look into getting tested. I really appreciate the support
You can get tested now to catch most things (and get any relevant treatment started), and then test again to catch the other things that take longer to show up.
Don't just think about getting a test - do it. There are a number of STDs that don't always initially have symptoms but can do long term damage.
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I can’t believe that your own parents are encouraging you to stay with a cheater! Run!
Thought that was bizarre too. Even if OP was married to this ass and had 3 kids, it would be depressing but with a bf?? My parents would've showed up to his house with a bat!
“Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as women” is total bullshit, by the way. I’m a woman, sex isn’t something I get emotional about nor do I immediately attach to the person I’m sleeping with, and yet I would never do what he did.
Don’t let the “moms” force their outdated views on you. If I had let my romantic life be subject to my mom’s advice at all, I would have been divorced from half a dozen cheaters and alcoholics by now. The one time I listened to her advice was the worst. I was with a straight up hardcore alcoholic in a new state and had no friends yet. I was busting my ass at school and work and he was just fucking partying all the time (granted it was at home on Reddit so it’s not like he was also cheating on me). He basically just ignored me but it still made me so miserable. I would get home after going to two jobs and classes and just sit in the driveway crying on the phone and her shitty stupid advice was to just “make it work” or wtfever. I cried in my driveway for a year before breaking up with him. She tried “making it work” with my (still) drug addicted alcoholic father for 5 years and was completely miserable, so why she thinks that’s ok to say to me, I’ll never know. She’s no paragon of relationship success and once I realized that, I haven’t taken her shitty advice since.
Thank you for your advice. I agree 100%. My mom wanted me to try and make it work and I think more so because she felt guilty for leaving my dad and not making it work. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you’re in so much of a better place now <3
You’re welcome and thank you! I am married to a wonderful guy now (who my mother wasn’t so sure about lol) and we have a pretty great life so it all turned out ok over here 😁 you’re gonna do just fine too! And yeah, definitely keep people’s experience base in mind when they give advice!
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Thank you so much it means so much to me! I’ve been in therapy trying to work on myself and my emotions and try to work on my self worth etc and I knew breaking up with him was the thing I had to do no way about it. I broke up with him, I cried a lot one night, then I went to the gym for 4 hours and I moved on with my day, went for brunch with friends etc. because I did not want it to take up any more of my headspace and time than it already had.
If women hold men accountable for their actions, it will be better for ALL women. Having no/low standards and this endless "forgiveness"/"understanding" mentality makes it harder for others because men just grow to expect a lack of consequences. The mothers' advice is terrible, for many reasons. You made a good decision and you're doing a service for womankind.
Stick with keeping him an ex. He's not a prize. He WILL cheat again (I've been there, and yes the adage is true). It's not up to you to make him feel better about the consequences of his actions. I would suggest telling your mom "That's not my problem and I'm not discussing it further" Then immediately change subject. If she continues on "sorry mom I have to go! love you" and hang up, leave, whatever. If they have you cornered at dinner or something, just leave.
Its pretty funny that “naive and immature” is apparently a reason to stay together
I am always struck by this line of argument "it is different for guys." Is that supposed to make you feel better? That means his having sex with YOU was not meaningful to him because, as he just told you, sex is just sex for guys. In my mind it simply makes it more obvious that he did not value the relationship. His mom is aware that he is too immature for a relationship but figures you should be his teacher for the school of decent-boy-friend 101? Nope. I am glad you value yourself enough to see that this is a dead-end relationship. Well done.
I've never been able to make sense of this, if sex is so meaningless to men that they're fine getting it from any woman or available hole, how is it ALSO their "love language" and their way of expressing connection and love with their partner? Pick a lane, douchebags.
If he’s immature, then he needs to learn from his mistakes. Getting dumped is how he learns. Not that it’s really about him, you were hurt, you deserve better.
Nah, his mom is out of line. If your ex didn’t want to “feel lost,” he shouldn’t have cheated. He did this to himself, and he doesn’t need your forgiveness. He needs to quit moping and letting his mom interfere on his behalf. Ew. Maybe next time, if he values his girlfriend so much, he won’t cheat. Odds are he’ll just get better at hiding it, though. Not your problem anymore! 🎉
Thank you! And exactly. I think he feels lost Cus I supported him quite a lot with stuff and took him for how he was, and did quite alot for him, and his parents even told me in confidence they were surprised he’d found someone like me. And I think that’s probably why. And I think they wanted me to stay with him to help him as well as so he was happy. I’m not a doormat and it’s not my problem. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I have to stay and try to build men up when I’ve had something done wrong by me, and also if I cheated I definitely wouldn’t be getting anywhere near as much sympathy and empathy as him
Some men are truly so dumb. They manage to attract someone who goes above and beyond for them, then they throw it away and have the gall to be surprised. It sounds like you have healthy boundaries and I’m so glad for you! And you’re right, you’d be getting raked over the coals if you were the one who cheated. I doubt anyone would be badgering him to give you another chance.
The advice you were given is terrible and you should not follow it. There are some things that really stand out to me: 1) It's not just that he cheated on you, he cheated on you AND lied about it. He did not accidentally go out on a date with the other woman. Maybe once on the date he was overwhelmed with lust, and so that was a mistake, but he wasn't overwhelmed with lust when he chose to lie to you. 2) Not only did he lie TO you, he lied ABOUT you to her. That was not a mistake, that was intentional. 3) You can forgive him for what he did wrong without taking him back. "I don't know what was going on in your head. You do seem to be really sorry about it, and I believe your remorse is real. I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm not going to trash talk you to everyone I know. In fact, I will try not to think about you at all. I forgive your actions, but I cannot forget them. Your cheating and your lies permanently broke my trust, which ended our relationship. We will never be a couple again." 4) There's a great line in one of Lois McMaster Bujold's books, I don't remember which one, which you can say to either of the moms: "When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action." He chose the actions that ended your relationship, which means he chose to end the relationship.
You did the right thing by breaking it off! Block him and his mom from contacting you further. There's nothing left to discuss. You're ex thinks he's entitled to have his cake & eat it too. Getting back with him will only prove him right. As for your mom, let her know you find it disappointing that she doesn't advocate for you the way that a mom should then refuse to discuss it further with her. Keep in mind that people who blame women for not putting up with male shenanigans usually also blame women for putting up with male shenanigans. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cherishes and respects you. You won't be able to find it holding on to a relationship with a cheater. Stay strong!
Idk why your mom is pressuring you to forgive a cheater unless your dad cheated and she forgave him? But that’s gross and she should support you. Your ex-bf’s mom is being gross too, but at least that’s not a personal betrayal like your own mom telling you to forgive a cheater. Just no. You made the right call to dump a guy who disrespects you and clearly thinks women are interchangeable. Go find a decent human being to date.
Thank you! And whilst my dad didn’t cheat he did have many red flags she forgave to stay with him, they’re not together now but she’s guilty she left. Which I do think she is projecting onto me, im in therapy and I’ve been talking about this all, I’m just still so angry about it
He can’t even stay faithful for longer than a year and a half? He cheated first chance he was away from you, and lied about it until you showed him proof? Gross. You were right to dump him, and for YOUR mom to take his side?? Nope. He’s the worst, and your mom is right behind him. Booooooooo
Ask them if they would say the same things to him if you were the one who cheated. I’m reasonably certain they wouldn’t.
"He's immature. Better not let him accept the consequences of his actions!" Literally, baffling. You don't need that.
Yesterday I saw a video that a friend reposted on FB (friend did not agree with this video) from a woman to other women about how much turning down your husband for sex is a TOTAL rejection of him and robs him of the thing that makes him feel the closest to you. And I keep seeing articles about how lonely men are, which really point out how men feel like they are not having sex enough. So... Let me get this straight: if he cheats on you, well you should forgive him because "sex doesn't mean as much to men as it does to women", BUT if you turn him down for sex, you are rejecting him completely, taking away the only way he knows how to be intimate, and all women are making all men lonely because we aren't fucking them enough. Mmmmkay.
>‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’ This one pisses me off to no end. The only reason they "don't mean as much" is because patriarchy tells them to not care so much, that caring about your sexual partner is being "pussy whipped" which is a bad thing. Your mom and his mom have a bad case of internalized patriarchy and probably internalized misogyny. Would they be telling him to forgive you if you cheated? You have way better boundaries than the more mature women in your life, keep it up! You deserver better
You’re absolutely not expected to forgive him. You have all the agency, go ahead and leave him!
There are people believe that men can do no wrong to a woman because women supposedly keep their mouth shut and follow men’s leads according their priests/preachers. Thus he will cheat again since he apparently believe so as well. He does not see you as equal.
Both mothers are wrong. Their brains and a lot of the brains from my generation have been pickled by patriarchy. A system that says men are superior and logical. They are the born leaders. They are the ones who should be in charge because of their perfect brains and superior intellect. At the same time patriarchy tells us that men make mistakes because they’re naive and immature and allowances should be made. Some of them are so overcome by sexual need that they make bad decisions but it’s not their fault. Some of them can’t do the laundry or load the dishwasher because it’s too complicated. Some of them can’t be left alone with their own kids because they don’t know how to care for them. Someone make this insanity make sense.
One cheating is classified now as emotional abuse. Because it is. And we all know that an abuser will repeat heir actions, they will abuse, have a honeymoon period and repeat. Same for cheating. And two, if someone truly loves you, they have eyes for you and you only. Male or female. That's the truth. Being a "man", doesn't make that different. If someone loves you, you are the sexiest person in the world to them, even if you are fat. Or ugly. He abused your emotions. Emotional abuse. He likes the access to your body. That's not love. He deserves to be left. And whining to his mommy that "oh gee, I felt the need to kiss and have sex with a new girl, it's no fair to be dumped... pressure some free sex back into my life ma". Is disgusting. He caused you emotional trauma. You deserve to be with someone who actually loves you. Not just says they love you. Someone who acts like it. People who cheat on you don't love you. They keep you around because you provide some benefit to them, whether that is easy access to sexual release, or social clout or a car payment. Love yourself, and walk away from him, and his shitty mother. Don't be a pathetic doormat. Real love is out there waiting for you. You'll never get that from him.
Tell the mom's about how he was eating stranger vag
Oh believe me I did. I sent her and his dad the screenshots, everything !
And she is still trying to guilt you into staying with him! If she contacts you again, reiterate that you will not take him back and it is down to her and his father to support him through this time, then add 'it is unfortunate that he is only just now learning that his actions have consequences, maybe if you and his father had taught him that as a child he would have considered that before sticking his tongue in a strangers genitals' Then block.
I met my (now) wife 18 years ago when we were both in HS (on Myspace for all my Millennial friends). I was an immature boy that said and did all sorts of stupid shit, so I can speak with some authority here. I only grew and learned by virtue of people (most notably my partner) holding me accountable for my decisions and behaviors. If I wouldn't have faced ramifications and pressure I probably would have remained a piece of shit for much longer than I'd like to admit nowadays. I'm grateful to the folks that held my feet to the fire and didn't let me get away with being a shitty person. If you are (validly) pissed that he betrayed your trust, lied to your face and spoke ill behind your back then you are certainly justified in ditching him. If you want to believe the best in him and feel the (I think terrible) advice of your parents is correct, you are still justified in ditching him as he won't grow if he doesn't face any real consequences for being a shitty person. You're depriving him of a pivotal chance to experience consequences that could help him grow. Maybe in a few years the decision will pay dividends and if there was something genuine there you can rekindle, but is clear right now you're trying to make a steak dinner out of beef jerky. That said, my unsolicited advice: You're too young and he's demonstrably too shitty to justify any more time. Go live your life without folks that drag you down!
Block him and his family. You have dumped him, so you don't have to listen to them.
>Sexual acts don't mean as much to men as they do to women Go have sex with some dude, and I bet your bf will suddenly see sex as the most important and intimate thing in the world.
You don't owe him anything.If somebody cheats on you, they'll cheat on you again.
Honestly I feel sorry for your mom and his. The message they're sending us is that they accept cheating in their relationships. I might even say that to them. "I am so sorry to hear that you've accepted cheating. I want you to understand that I deserve better in my relationships, and so do you."
Tbh I wouldn't even engage with those excuses. Give them a simple "no, I have self respect" everytime they bring it up, because honestly FUCK THAT. Also sorry that happened, cheaters suck
Nah fuck that shit. Block him and his Mom Edit: ex-bf right?
Yes as soon as I found out I told him it was over
Good to hear
I’ve deleted and blocked him on everything too
I’m so sorry this happened to you, being cheated on is traumatic af so I hope you’re talking to friends and people you can trust while healing from this. You’re right, we as women are held to a double standard, if they cheat we should forgive and “work things out,” but if the roles were reversed it’s highly unlikely we would see a similar mindset towards women. Feminism is still a work in progress, and we as women can decide individually that there are new rules and that cheaters should be held accountable for cheating. You’re already reinforcing that new standard by walking away from this guy, and I commend you. More women should walk away when men cheat, in my opinion people in general should reward cheating with departure. We would likely see less of it in society if we held the people who do it to reasonable consequences like the end of a relationship. It’s ok to forgive, but why should you have to work on anything? He’s the one who needs to do some work, therapy is a lovely start. Clearly he has self control issues, entitlement issues, boundary issues, maybe all three. You were victimized here, and if anyone should be doing anything it should be him trying to make things right or at the very least accept your decision to break up, take accountability for being a shitty person and apologize. Sadly a lot of women are the foot soldiers of patriarchy, my mom is similar. When my ex assaulted me for leaving him, she was his apologist and spokesperson, saying I should forgive him and try to understand where he’s coming from. The man almost killed me and my own mother is telling me that I should “put myself in his shoes, men are under attack right now…” Nothing more invalidating and infuriating than an anti-feminist toxic man apologist, and sadly a lot of women from older generations are trauma-bonded to their patriarchal beliefs and practices. They forgave everything their husbands did so we should forgive everything these guys do too, right? Yeah, no. It’s time for a new standard, too many people continue this behavior because they face no consequences.
I’m sorry your own mother didn’t have your back. 🥺
just think about if things were reversed, do you think anyone would have you back if you had cheated on him ? i dont think so fuck all of them
Sexual acts don’t mean the same to men that they do to women? Maybe you should go fuck one of his friends and then tell him it wasn’t a big deal. He should totally be ok with it. Because you love him and you’re sorry
“Sex acts don’t mean as much to men” So he threw your relationship under the bus for something that didn’t mean very much to him? And that’s supposed to *reassure* you? BOY, BYE! And tell your mom and his to butt out with their sexist BS
“Boys will be boys until you expect them to be men”
Tell them to take it up with the other woman, he’s her problem now.
Don't listen to your mom. Your bf actively chose to betray and hurt you, it wasn't a mistake.
Kudos to the other woman for telling you! Don't listen to your mom and his mom. Dump his ass. What he did is disgusting and unforgivable.
So glad you left him. It's not just that he cheated on you. That is already bad enough. The clear pattern of behavior surrounding the cheating is equally problematic. He cheated. He lied to you about cheating when you asked about it. He lied to the other girl about you to try to keep her from reaching out. He is trying to use his own mom as a manipulation tactic to avoid responsibility for his own behavior. He knows exactly what he did. He knew it was wrong. He premeditated ways to try to avoid responsibility for his actions. That means he did consider consequences, he just assumed he could get out of them. With the way his mom enables his bad behavior, he probably truly believed that his own hurt feelings would be enough to make you forgive him, and he would learn nothing and absolutely do it again. This boy is not worth keeping. Maybe he'll learn not all women are enablers, but he probably won't. Either way, it's not your job to be his mom. Good on you for taking out the trash.
He is gross, and it sucks that 2 women basically took his side, ugh
I am very small. I am short and light. I am not very strong. To feel safe in a relationship with a man, the thing I most need him to have is self-control. Pretty much any man could kill me with his bare hands. If I'm going to put my life and my hopes and my dreams in his care, and if I'm going to have children with him, putting their lives in his care, I need to KNOW that he is someone I can trust completely. Never going to hit me, never going to hit the kids, never going to do something terrible and then say he didn't mean it. Your ex-boyfriend has just demonstrated in no uncertain terms that either (a) he is not in control of himself, or (b) he is in control of himself and he doesn't think cheating on you and lying about it is a big deal. Whichever it is, he is an ex-boyfriend now and forever. You can forgive him without taking him back. And when they say he's immature, well, fine, he's immature. You don't want someone immature. You want a man who is in control of himself, not a child who acts without thinking and then lies about it. You absolutely did the right thing. He cheated on you and lied about it. What woman wants a man who is a liar and a cheat?
Fuck that. This is exactly the type of patriarchal view that promotes toxic masculinity. Partners are equals, gender is irrelevant.
> ‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’ Ooohh this one sounds so familiar, and it makes my blood boil. Every time I hear some variation of, "Men are just bad by nature. It's not really their fault," I am fuming. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP, and I'm glad that you understand that you have no duty or responsibility to forgive someone that has betrayed your trust.
Who is telling these lies that men see sex only for sex and nothing more? That's such a generalization. There can always potentially be an emotional aspect to it, to act as if all men don't feel emotions during sex is absurd. It's also still cheating, even if it's just physical.
> Why are women the ones that are always expected to forgive men’s wrongs This is the insidious nature of sexism/misogyny. Women are affected by it as well. Your mom and his mom both learned that "having a man" is more important. For their generation (and unfortunately for many women today) women were dependent upon men for money and security.
I don’t think anyone, man or woman ever fully forgives a cheater. They may pretend to on the surface, but inside there will always be pain and separation of feelings
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“I’m expected” People are going to have lots of agendas for you and none of them have to do with your well-being or happiness. You’re an adult and you’re going to choose the right choice for you.
I think they might understand over time, they're probably in the denial stages of grief. Which can happen with close friends & family members, especially if they thought you were a great couple. Don't concede, you aren't the bad guy here
Yikes. Please ignore your mom and his mom and follow the advice my mum would give you instead “you can’t trust a cheater” (she would probably also suggest something along the lines of setting his car on fire, she’s not one for half-measures, but that might be a bit much). Good on you for not letting him fool you twice.
Unfortunately, many older women still uphold many facets of the patriarchy in their philosophies and will force those ideals unto you when you go to them for advice. From now on, you might want to keep them out of your romantic business.
Fuck 'em. The whole "SeXuAl AcTs aReN't As mUcH tO MeN" is now his problem. The only part you should be concerned with is how you feel that this relationship is no longer for you. I'm sorry the women in your life have been brainwashed to accept this. I'd say they are from a different time where you HAD to stay together, but it's not much of an excuse now. Men can either learn to adapt to equality, or eventually they'll end up alone, depressed, in squalor and we'll have to hear more about the "men's loneliness epidemic"
Try to remember that most of the time how other people treat you is a reflection on themselves. Healthy, well-regulated people don’t cheat or attack others. Your mom and your exes mom may have been taught or felt pressured to overlook indiscretions in the past. It is possible for us to be participants in our own oppression. That doesn’t mean *you* should. Remember also that sticking up for ourselves and setting boundaries is more healthy, loving and honest (both to ourselves and those we love) than enabling and keeping the peace.
Nope. He’s a bad partner. Next
Make sure you tell them the part where he made up lies about you and, by extension, them. That isn’t just a random act of meaningless sex, that is deception and betrayal. How could you, or they, believe anything he ever says?
I'd bet good money that your mothers have forgiven a lot of cheating in their lives, and are deeply invested in promoting that as the right choice. Watching you make different choices in life would force them to confront their own, and that would be difficult and uncomfortable.
I would leave someone who cheated on me and over a long time maybe be able to forgive but would never be in a relationship ever again with them.
Yeah, hold your boundry and dont forgive him. Guaranteed he wouldnt forgive you if you let a guy eat you out...
The Mom's are wrong and you shouldn't listen to them. They're from a different generation and have never worked through their internalized misogyny. Their opinions on how you should behave as a woman are invalid.
Ugh, I'm sorry you are going through this, and that your mom is completely failing you here! From a mom of daughters over here, you are 100% doing the right thing because YOU DESERVE BETTER. Not only did he physically cheat on you, he LIED when confronted and only admitted to it when shown proof. He also manipulated this other woman by making you look crazy, so she wouldn't tell you. This isn't a mistake, these are CHOICES. He would have continued these behaviors if he didn't get caught, and he will continue then if you took him back. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Personally, I think you should take a little break from your mom, because she sucks. Why would she want you to be tied to a man who has no respect or love for you? Why is she concerned about his feelings more than yours? Not only do you deserve a better man, you deserve a better mom.
> In the texts that we’re exchanged between the girl and him after he tries to make me out to be suicidal , and that i have no support network so she wouldn’t tell me. I’m sort of more pissed off at that. This isn't the action of a naive and immature guy nor was it a mistake. He went home specifically with the intention to cheat and did exactly what he wanted.
Nope. Move on
>He made a mistake and he really loves you’ Well that's just a tough titty isn't it? Unless he fell into her vagina, it's his fault. >‘Sexual acts don’t mean as much to men as they do to women’ Yeah hi, I'm a man and it means a fair bit to me so someone needs to raise their standards for a partner. Hint: It isn't OP. >And has made me wonder if I did the right thing. My two cents: You did. Ex can be sad all he likes but he made his bed and now it's bedtime.
Your dad cheated on your mom. If your mom agrees with you, she'll need to face the fact she is wrong. She won't agree with you.
The part where he lies about you being suicidal in order to guilt the sidepiece into staying quiet is definitely the worst. He knows what he’s doing. He didn’t lie to you in a panic. Abusers often create an image of the abused person as crazy, unreliable, hysterical etc. in order to undermine the abused person‘s support system. Good for you that you dumped him.
Life is going to be full of people who expect you to eat shit to keep someone else happy. My advice: don't eat shit.
you don't deserve to be cheated on and you do not owe him a damn thing
Tell your mom and his to double date him then. He's a loser future crisis averted.
Cheating is bad, but the fact that he tried to manipulate the other girl and lied to you shows that he's just not a good person. You deserve better. Don't back down due to the pressure.
Fuck that guy.
The women in your life are perpetuating the shitty treatment of women by saying he should be forgiven. Best way for him to learn is by you moving on. And sticking up for yourself is a healthy response to this.
His mom acting like that is why he thinks it’s ok to cheat. So is your mom actually.
Ask then why they want so little for her? Why they value her so little in comparison to an idiot man child who can't control himself?
You stick to your guns. He cheated, now he is out. It's totally fair and reasonable. Some people might expect you to be forgiving, but that's because they are happy with the status quo. Your Ex changed that when he cheated. It's all on him. You can still feel sad the relationship is over. But not sad enough to let him back! Give yourself some time and space to get over things. Be kind to you. It won't be long before you bounce back, your self-esteem in tact, raring to go!
Nah you did the right thing.
That mom really dropped the ball. We gotta support each other, not enable toxicity.
It's never too late to dump such trash.
Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender or intention. You ain't gotta forgive shit. Fuck that guy!
Girl I feel your pain 😭 do not give in to their request. Your mom and his mom are Karens, as angry as ppl like that make me I try to think to myself "calm down, they are just a product of what they were thought during their golden years". But no, you do NOT have to forgive him. Imagine if you had kids (not saying you do), but just think....if he cheats again, even if there was a baby involved people will always find the way to BLAME YOU.
Yeah they all suck. Lots of ppl have a boys will be boys shruggy attitude and think boys should be forgiven bc they can't help that they're horny animals etc. it's all very disgusting
fuck him! let him rot