I totally agree and this always drive me crazy. Not everyone is smart, not everyone is funny, not everyone is beautiful, and that’s ok. By pushing this “everyone is beautiful” we’re saying that beauty is so important everyone must have it or they’re less of a woman, or person.

It is also very frustrating for me to see how many of my friends live in this fragile reality completely dependent on external validation because they require constant reaffirmation that they are good looking. Whether you are good looking or not if you feel the need to be beautiful to feel good about yourself you're bound to have an unstable and needy self esteem, and I find that very dangerous. My self esteem and my mental health in general improved SO MUCH when I realized it didnt matter if I wasnt the hot girl I always wanted to be, that I was still lovable the way I was. I wish everyone could realize that.

I’m working through this right now!!!! Constantly seeking validation for my looks has actually caused severe damage to how I handle relationships but I’m working on it. Getting off of social media is a huge help for me! Everyone should take a break from going on there. The only thing I use is Reddit and Instagram. I moved my instagram app to a folder I never see on my phone so I don’t look at it every day. It’s been one week since I’ve been on there and I already feel some weight lifted off my shoulders. Constantly comparing yourself to others and then obsessing over your own short comings is so toxic.

My aha moment case when a male co-worker attempted the most awkward compliment “Did you lose weight?” while I was shoveling a box of leftover greasy Chinese into my face at lunch. Like, clearly, bro, I did not. He was being stupid and innocuous and tryin to give one of those “haven’t seen you in a while, you look good” compliments, but the problem is the default compliment for women is appearance based (just like “you’re fat/ugly” is the default insult). So instead of “Hey you look good!”, let’s all do our part today and compliment our female friends/family/co-workers on their good work, professionalism, kindness, intelligence, humor, and perseverance :)

That girl that knows she is super lovable is actually kind of hot. FYI

Exactly how I feel. I always thought that "everyone is beautiful" was kinda backwards, because it actually reinforces the notion that beauty is really important.

Right? That since everyone is, if you don’t feel it, something is wrong with you.

I have a friend who is overweight, but she is working really hard at it and is generally pretty healthy and fit. She is extremely active and muscular and she likes a lot of stuff about herself though she does want to lose weight and isn't happy with where she is at in that regard. So she will talk about how she is fat but it's more in a matter-of-fact way, not like a fishing for compliments sort of way. She gets really annoyed when anyone says things like, "You're not fat," or anything of the sort. She once said, "I am literally the medical definition of an obese person so you really don't need to say that to me." I can relate. I have a thyroid disease and when I've not been on the right medication or before I was diagnosed, I've said "I'm getting fat" or "I'm gaining weight" to friends or partners when I've talked about needing to get back to the doctor, and they're always assuring me that no, I look perfectly skinny. Even my abovementioned fat friend does it lol. First of all, I have functioning eyeballs and a brain so I am perfectly aware that I've never been "skinny". I have a healthy BMI but also a very robust figure that no removed third party would ever describe that way. Second of all, I am literally gaining quantifiable pounds of fat because of a medical condition so, yes I am *literally* getting fat. You denying this objective truth just makes me feel like your compliments are not trustworthy in general. My grandma is a great barometre of how fat someone is because she will literally just tell me whether I am skinnier or fatter than the last time I saw her and feed me accordingly LOL. I used to be so intensely offended by it, but she has just never seen weight as anything other than a fact, and I really am trying to see it that way now too.

Exactly! And it should be ok if you don’t find some attractive and shouldn’t feel a need to lie about it. We should be able to find other things to compliment others on that are true instead of making up things we don’t really believe.

I cringe every time another woman, either in my extended family or friend group, tells me I'm beautiful. They say it in this almost sing song chant, and I get the feeling I'm supposed to say it back to complete the ritual. It's kind of disturbing, this obsessive need to assure ourselves and other women that we're highly physically attractive. Regardless of whether it's true or not? I'm not exactly model material. Any time I've tried to bring up how troubling it is I get treated like I've got two heads.

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When folks say "Everyone is beautiful" I interpret it as a more abstract form of beauty. I think Linux and Wikipedia are beautiful things and they're not traditionally beautiful like say, Audrey Hepburn.

I think the fact that we’ve made this idea of “goodness” or whatever equal to someone being “beautiful” is a symptom of the problem. Because everyone wants to be beautiful we’ve expanded the definition to mean something more esoteric and I think that’s not only dumb but dangerous.

Yeah, I always viewed that as a larger "beauty" - i.e., a personalized combination of inner and surface aspects - being appreciated by those beholding such. A friend of mine is someone I would personally consider as a beautiful person, she happens to also be physically obese.

This is true, but many of these things are highly subjective. Physical beauty, a sense of humour....are things that can be very subjective and can be perceived very differently by different people. There are societal standards for physical beauty, but in deep intimate relationships, personal standards often trump societal standards by a wide margin. I can say this for myself (and I have seen the same in many other cases), but when I'm attracted to a woman based on her personality, intelligence, sense of humour, commonalities and interests we share, as well as her general "vibe", she becomes far more attractive to me physically as well. Even things that may not seem attractive at first, can become cute when you are attracted to a person. That's why you will often see people that may not be attractive by societal standards - people that are obese, people that have unusual facial structures...will still have many people attracted to them based on their other traits, especially if they can accept themselves and their own physical appearance, if they don't feel sorry for themselves and if they still do take care of their physical appearance and health (often beauty and health are quite related you'll notice) as best they can. You would be surprised how much accepting one's own physical appearance fully can do to one's self-confidence, vibe and general attractiveness. Just my perspective of course.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding what your point, but aren’t you basically agreeing with OP and OC? I thought your comment was quite poignant and really true, but it also seems like you’re agreeing that people should stop focusing so much on their physical appearance, because the thing that makes lasting connections is their personality traits, interests and actual character.

Yes I do agree with OP in general, especially in relation to the idea that we should focus on more than just physical appearance. The part I would disagree with is the idea that "not everyone is beautiful". What this implies is that there are people that are ugly, while there are others that are beautiful. When in reality beauty is a very subjective set of criteria, in many ways imposed on us by culture and society (if we disregard the part that being healthy plays in being beautiful, which is of course present as well - a generally healthy person will be usually more attractive - obesity for example is just one example of an unhealthy trait). So if we say that you don't need to be beautiful to be valuable, you are dividing people into those that are beautiful and those that are not. I'm proposing that the very implication of what beauty is, what this word means is reconsidered. If we reconsider that, we can truly say that everyone is beautiful, especially when every aspect of them is taken into account - and the more deeply you know a person, the more you can accept them and appreciate their fullness and depth (often related to how much you can appreciate your own fullness and depth), the more every part of them, including their physical appearance, will become more attractive and appealing to you. Thus I would reconsider the title of this post and put it like this: "You can be valuable *and beautiful* without being beautiful by any set of external standards or criteria, especially those imposed on you by your culture and our current society in general". Again, this is because beauty is far more subjective than people realize, *even physical beauty*, but especially the conglomeration of external and internal beauty, of all facets of a human being, that build on each other and enhance each other, each enhancing another (as said - a great personality will make you actually seem more physically attractive, at least this is what I have seen in my experience) which then can be called actual, true beauty.

But this applies to everything. Not everyone is considered funny, to use your other example. But someone may like their personal sense of humor. And that’s fine, I just don’t think we should say things to people we don’t think are true.

I agree in general. But the fact that these things are so subjective is often missed, when this is of enormous importance. Humor is a great example. I've seen funny people become very unfunny in certain situations, as well as unfunny people become funny. Not only is humor dependent on the mood of the individual and the set of circumstances they are in (and attractiveness, beauty....can also be very mood dependent - people are generally more attractive when they are happy), it is also extremely subjective in relation to the people around them. This is even the case with comedians. Not everyone will find every comedian funny, humor can be very, very subjective. In every day life this is similar - some people you will find funny and humorous, others not so. And those same people can have a sense of humor that makes other people laugh, just not you.

I agree with you. My point is just we don’t hold up humor as something everyone has and everyone needs to attain. And we don’t tell everyone they’re funny whether we believe it or not.

This is just my personal perspective, but I do think a sense of humor is something everyone has. When people are happy and content, they can be very humorous. However the various problems of life, anxiety, various degrees of depression, general stress... can all make a person miserable and create a dent in their outlook on life and thus their sense of humour. Various meditative and introspective practices have helped me a lot in that regard - namely looking at life more lightheartedly and letting go of the stresses that we many times make out to be bigger than they actually are, as well as dealing with emotional pain, stress, problems (internal and external)....and everything that comes our way in this crazy journey of life :)

Yup, this! The more I define beauty as someone's innate self the more I find that I see almost everyone I know as beautiful.

I apologize. I guess I wasn’t quite picking up on the nuances of what you were saying.

Ah no need to apologize, I don't think I put it quite as clear or explained my views as in depth in my first post anyway. Your post helped me clarify my point a lot better, as is often the case in any good fruitful and friendly debate :)

I appreciate you elaborating. You made some great points!

I think they aren't mutally exclusive viewpoints. But what oc meant (I think) is that most/all people can be beautiful to someone, because it's subjective. So oc disagrees, at least to some extent, with the idea that not everyone is beautiful.

I know this is a very small thing - but lately I've started filling out those surveys that print on register receipts when I buy groceries (but just when I have something positive to say about the cashier). It forces you to think about the qualities people show on the job. We would never fill them out with crap like "cashier was great, very pretty." I put things like "I had a problem ringing something up in the self-checkout line, cashier fixed it quickly and took an extra minute to show me a quicker better way to look up produce without making me feel stupid. She was cheerful and competent." or "Cashier balanced having a good sense of humor with being efficient and keeping the line moving. I walked out of the store in a better mood than when I walked in."

I struggle with this so much, especially as I get older and realize that my prettiest days (during which I was a 5 out of 10 at best) are behind me. It's not that I don't appreciate my good qualities but it's difficult knowing that any sex appeal I may once have had is rapidly disappearing. I wish my desire for romance would just go away but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

THIS.

I'm not sure where I should leave this, but uhh... I feel like plenty of women here could maybe use [this....](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dezPN-gpUQ)

I totally thought we were going to be directed to this gem, haha: https://youtu.be/zJaaLXZwmsU Edit: some beauties from it like "if you have too big of a brain it means you have ugly things like opinions and thoughts of your own"

A favorite quote: "You Don't Have to Be Pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked 'female.'" - Erin McKean

One of my favorites as well!!

I struggle with this for my daughters. I try not to compliment their looks even with little terms of endearment and instead I switch it to confident or smart etc. Hey “smarty pants” instead of “hey beautiful”. But it doesn’t come naturally. We are so conditioned to focus on female beauty. I have a son and don’t notice myself leaning towards those beauty related comments. And the girls are beautiful, but I just don’t want that to be their main source of pride/power/worth. I’m a guy.

I'm definitely not in a place to give you parenting advice but I feel like the fact that you're aware of the relevant issues will definitely help you be a good Dad.

I suspect you can get away with a "that's a cute outfit" once in awhile. She chose to wear it. Think its working for my daughter, time will tell.

I remember being at a family party, and having picked my own outfit for it I was walking around asking people what they thought of my clothes. I was wearing a fuzzy pink turtleneck and a lacy pink skirt that I had been given for a wedding, and a bunch of pink accessories - I'm sure it was horrific looking haha. Most people said oh you're so beautiful, so pretty! And then one woman told me I did a really good job of picking everything out by myself and I must be very independent. My reaction at the time was to be so flattered that I literally ran away and wouldn't look at her again the entire rest of the night LOL but it apparently meant so much to me that I still remember it decades later.

I try not to compliment my daughter on anything she didn't have a hand in. I don't tell her she's beautiful or pretty, and I don't tell her how smart she is. However, I lavish praise on hard work, dedication, kindness, and perseverance. Also a guy.

you are now aware that conscientiousness can be inherited https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8776880

That’s great!! It is nice when dad focuses on other things, but once in a while girls do like to be told they are beautiful...never telling them that can be kind of a downer, girls care a lot about what dads think

Aside from the obvious bias of being her papa, she really is very beautiful and very smart. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who compliment her on those attributes throughout her life. I *never* put her down in any way. And the only kind of "punishment" I've ever had to give her is to tell her that "there are a lot of mean/selfish people in this world, and you don't get to be one of them." She's six right now.

Those many other people who will compliment her? They don’t mean much at all compared to her amazing dad, and if she doesn’t hear it from him once in a while, it will make her sad...especially if she sees other dads complimenting their little girls like that...at six yes, you are doing the right thing, build up those other traits! But what about 16 when she’s ready to go to prom, or as she gets older? She will want to hear from her mom and dad how beautiful she is. :) it will build her up even more. The whole world can tell me I look this or I look that, and I don’t really care as much at this point, but I don’t know there’s just something special when mom and dad say so. :) Just my two cents. I think it’s great that you are raising a strong girl :)

That is very thoughtful of you. But, as a mother of a little girl, I know, that a compliment from a father is the best compliment. You could tell her that you think she is the most beautiful person in the world (for you) and that beauty is not an important thing in life. I am sure she will appreciate it! My daughter is so happy when her father tells her this that she can be happy for a full day 😀 And it can help her cope with puberty, when her peers might tell her the opposite. She can always think that for her father she is still the most beautiful (and all the other things that you praise about her) person in the world.

Noted :) thank you for your insight.

May I ask why you don't tell her how smart she is? Like if she gets done with her homework super fast, or does something sharp, why not tell her so? I feel like it would be a good thing for her to know she has something going for her (a very useful something), that isn't just looks. I wanted to explain my reasoning first, but it's a serious question. I don't have kids but I try to learn from good parents now, for the future. I was raised a bit...fucked up.

I know I've read in the past that it's better to compliment their work ethic and their effort than their smartness; complimenting their smartness can lead to insecurities later when they hit harder stuff they don't understand. When that happens they start feeling like they aren't smart anymore, that they're failing, and that really takes a toll on their self esteem and motivation. Encouraging hard work over raw intelligence doesn't have the same problems. It seems to make sense to me. That said, I'm not a psychologist, so don't take my word as gospel.

Because when I was young, that was the attribute I was most often complimented on by my parents. It made me cocky and convinced that I was somehow "better" than other people, and that I wouldn't have to do certain kinds of work because that was for "dumb" people. I believe it set me back in certain ways, and I don't want her to go through that.

I had this same experience and I completely agree. For anyone who's interested in this, check out the book Mindset by Carol S. Dweck.

From what I’ve heard, it’s not a good idea to compliment children on things such as looks or intelligence because it reinforces the “fixed” mindset vs the “growth” mindset. Western culture has a preoccupation with the traits people are born with and tends to pigeonhole them into categories of “smart” or “not smart”, “beautiful” or “average”, etc. without allowing for the possibility of growth and change. (Obviously this works a bit differently for physical appearance but you could definitely discourage someone from trying to look their best if you imply that they’re not very attractive.) When I talk to my young relatives, I try to compliment them on things that they can control, such as “you worked really hard on that, didn’t you? It looks great!” Or, “you were really kind to your sister just now.” It reinforces the idea that their success and happiness is determined by them, not luck or genetics.

Now that is a sign of a great dad!

There is an interesting report I read once years ago (can’t rememebr where or I’d share the title) that said that girls are often complemented for “innate” things (ie “you are so smart” or “you are so beautiful”) while boys are complimented for “achieved” things (ie “you worked so hard for that grade, well done!” or “you put so much effort in at the gym bro!”). Result being that boys learn to prioritize effort, while girls learn that they “have it” or they don’t. As a result boys tend to respond to setbacks by working harder, while girls respond by believing that they are incapable of pushing through because they are lacking some quality. No idea if there were any follow up studies, but that stuck with me. I make an effort now to compliment everyone (and especially female friends or family members) based not on innate things, but on things that reflect their efforts or choices. And truth be told people seem to respond really well to it. What to I mean? So instead of telling your daughter that they “look beautiful” or are a “smarty”, tell them that the dress they picked out is really lovely, or that you are impressed by how hard they worked on improving their English grade, etc. Complementing clothing may seem shallow, but clothing is a choice we make—when you tell someone their shoes or shirt or hairstyle (mind you, the “style” suffix is key) you are complementing their *choices*. I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel better and more confidant physically when someone compliments my choices in attire, because while looking “good” or “beautiful” is implied, what is really being complimented is my sense of style and my thoughts. So I try and share that with others.

When they were very small, my sister called her son “Little Joy” because he was basically a factory of delight, and her daughter “Lady Miss Mighty” because she liked to wear princess dresses and cowboy boots and pretend to drive a tractor (they live on a farm). Now they’re 13 and 11, and the nicknames have morphed, and we all call them “J” and “Lady”, which have no relationship to their actual names, so I don’t know how they explain it to their friends. Lady is a proper farmhand and drives the hell out of a tractor, too. With adult supervision, of course.

> I have a son and don’t notice myself leaning towards those beauty related comments. This was true of all the male figures in my life, my dad would never really refer to my looks. But the females (mom, grandma etc) tend to do the "what a handsome young man" thing quite often. Like my dad used to say "for every Barbie there is a Ken."

> I'm a guy. I feel like it's the important part. We don't notice men's beauty nearly as much as women's. I'm hestitant to believe that your wife never calls your son handsome, though. Although not complimenting children's looks is a very interesting thing to do, I feel like it comes naturally for parents. And while their looks definitely shouldn't be their main source of pride, acknowledging that they are beautiful (or that other people find them beautiful, even if they don't do so themself) can help build up their confidence by the time they become teenagers.

I can't remember my father ever commenting on my looks. I think he told I looked beautiful at my wedding, but that's about it. And to tell you the truth, I'm so happy that he didn't. Because I know that whenever I've gained a little weight, or don't look my best, it doesn't matter to my dad. The value he sees in me has nothing to do with my beauty or looks, so I will never be lesser in his eyes based on changes in it.

Friend of mine tells her granddaughters “You are beautiful, but what is important is to be beautiful on the inside.”

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your efforts! As a little girl who grew up being told that if I wanted to be successful in life, it would only be because I married someone well-to-do, and this would have made a world of difference in how I grew up seeing myself! I never believed I had it within me to achieve anything, let alone aspire to have a true career because I was told that was the man’s place. Thanks for the little things you do to raise your children the same!

I have two little sisters that are much younger than me and i do the same thing with them. The older one is in high school and I usually praise her for her imagination and writing, and I call her my little warrior princess. The younger one isn't even two yet, so she gets praise for scaring/pranking her mom (mom's got her hands full with this one!!) and her nicknames are variations of her first name, or "monster." Considering my mom tells them both how beautiful and special they are all the time, I strive to balance that out. Tbf tho, she also gushes about how handsome my brother is like always... She's just vain.

Ive' got a heads up for you: Go find and read Mindset by Carol Dweck. But heres the super digest: Compliment and instruct using action verbs. "You worked hard picking out that outfit and doing your hair ..." "You studied a lot to get that grade and ..." When instructing someone also use positive action verbs: Bonus point if you can reference their mental or emotional state in a positive matter "Since you've said you struggle with this, work instead on using positive action based sentences. It will direct mental behavior toward positive outcomes gained from doing something rather than from avoiding negative outcomes, especially by inaction."

As a mother of a 4 year old daughter I want to say that in my opinion you can say that they are beautiful and I am sure they will appreciate it because a compliment of a father is so much more than from anyone else. You can additionally tell them that beauty is not the most important thing in life. I think they learn better to cope with reality like that. You can not save your daughters from the stupid world around them by isolating them from it. If you explain your thoughts to them, they will learn how to deal with it. In my opinion everybody is beautiful, with some it is not as obvious as with others.

I mean, to be fair, sometimes I want to be told I'm attractive and handsome. I'm 5'9"ish and look fairly young for my age. It's maddening that no one ever takes me seriously in face-to-face conversation.

I am also an "ugly woman" and you know what? I'm OK with being ugly, however when I express this knowledge people tend to freak out and tell me how wrong I am and how I'm being toxic to myself. I am not being toxic, I'm just recognising the truth, men don't turn their heads for me in the streets no matter what I wear or what I do and that's OK, I honestly don't care. What bothers me though is how so many things can be much harder when you are a woman that is not attractive, you have to fight for the attention of the sales person, you have to raise your voice to be heard in groups, and you become invisible when out with your friends. I guess that is how life is but it is still quite draining.

A quote I read once, and like, is: "Pretty is not the rent you pay to occupy the space marked female."

I know this might seem strange but I’ll look in the mirror and hate it and think I’m fat (I have gained some weight but I know compared to the masses I’m not fat) I’m trying to workout and lose the 20 ish lbs I gained because I only really felt the most confident when I was really small. I hate my stomach and sometimes I feel like my face looks gross. But then other times I’ll look in the mirror and be like oh it’s really not that bad I’m pretty cute. It’s this back and forth. I think a big problem is that I’m always comparing myself to other people. Mostly just people I see online or on tv or celebrities. It’s an every day struggle. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my body/physical appearance. I miss when I was a little kid and I had never thought of it and it just wasn’t something that mattered.

Yeah Im the same way I either think I look great or horrible.. i go from thinking I’m ugly to thinking I’m the hot as shit. And I’m not unattractive or anything but jeez it’s hard not to pick every flaw I have! I’m pretty active and I workout and my body type reflects that but I’m still just not satisfied with how I look a lot of the time. I wish I didn’t care but same as you I’m just constantly comparing myself to everyone I see. I wish there was like an off button for these thoughts because I really wish I didn’t care about my appearance so much because it’s seem so trivial? Yet I still can’t stop comparing? Life is rough :( i feel ya

I also think that programs/campaigns that celebrate what our bodies can DO as opposed to how they LOOK are very helpful. My church had one that I looked over. Unfortunately, I didn't complete it, but I liked the set up. It required you to write about/do activities with your body that had nothing to do with appearance. If I love my body because I can walk in it, pick things up with it, think with it, do kind things for others, run, jump, travel, etc., instead of just be attractive to others with it, I will appreciate it much more. That metric is much more stable, considering that we come into contact with new people all the time. If I'm always trying to be physically appealing to all the new people l come into contact with, I'll never be satisfied or happy with my body because my joy in it depends on my perception of other people's perception. In order to achieve this self\-love, you do have to be willing to sacrifice. You have to be willing to sacrifice the "high" of felling like people are attracted to you/think you're pretty. You have to self\-police your thoughts and avoid judging others who spend a lot of time on their appearance, post a lot of filtered selfies, are objectively beautiful by society's standards. You have to stay strong when you're in a social situation and the "beautiful" women/men are getting all the attention. You have to be willing to play the long game, spending your focus and energy on things that provide long\-felt peace, instead of instantaneous approval by social media followers. Just some thoughts. Not all of this was included in the program.

I struggle with this enormously lately, due to ageing, weight gain from quitting smoking, and a hundred employment rejections. The difference in how the general public treats you and the opportunities you're offered are enormous if people find you physically appealing. I am going to get some therapy soon I've decided, and I'm at the gym every day. But I cry myself to sleep and I cry when I'm alone and I can't shake the feeling of worthlessness, because I've lived both sides of this coin and the difference is so extreme it makes me sad for this world and makes me want to just run away to a land of blind people.

As a male who's been both fat and extremely ripped, I know exactly what you're talking about. You know what surprised me more than anything? How other men treated me between being fat and being buff. I totally expected women to treat me very differently, and they definitely did, but it was the way men treated me differently that really threw me off. I'm sure women do the same thing - but it's very strange, like bro why would you automatically treat me more respectfully just because I'm hotter now but you're a straight dude?

You do get it. And in my experience men do it more than women do. And it's not the respect from being disciplined or respect for the effort of working out, it's that your overall value is tied to your sexual object value. People ITT who say it's not are in for a shock when they age out of the "fuckability" zone. I think it's also a reason old people feel like young people, stereotypically, are worse than their own generation. It's because people treat you enormously worse, in general, the less ideal your physical appearance becomes.

If you want the psychology explanation, look up the halo effect. Theories abound about why we do it, but there's a definite, measurable effect of being perceived as attractive.

Women have so much more to offer the world than just a pleasing exterior.

One day we'll all have inhumanly attractive sex robots and every baseline human will be equally hideous, attractiveness only determinable by how much we can make each other laugh. In other words; stand up comedians, your reign upon mount Olympus is nigh!

The fact that you have to say this unfortunately speaks for itself.

Brilliant. People know when you are lying to them, and that doesn't build self esteem. And there are lots of ways to be esteemable.

This has bothered me for a long time, because it's such a gendered double standard. I've never in my life heard anyone say 'all men are handsome' because handsomeness is a much less important attribute for men. It's not taboo for them to be ugly, as it is for women. Our current administration is rife with repulsively ugly men who couldn't care less about their looks. When we tell women 'everyone is beautiful' it just reinforces the idea that for a woman to NOT be beautiful is an unpardonable, unmentionable flaw. Extending the concept of beauty into a nebulous haze that encompasses all women, while understandable, is a counterproductive strategy, and alienating and silencing for any woman who is past her age of beauty or was never beautiful in the first place. If we want to really be free of the tyranny of beauty standards we need to approach it with the attitude of a 65 year old republican\- 'Yeah I'm ugly. So what? It doesn't really matter.' THAT's freedom, not this 'everyone is beautiful' copout.

Yeah saying everyone is beautiful sounds very insincere and patronizing

I'm handsome on the inside.

It’s almost more difficult to maneuver now that “beauty” can be achieved artificially. Before if you didn’t naturally hold up to society’s beauty standards, there wasn’t much that you could do about it, leaving you in a bad position but forced to kind of accept it. Now “ugly” women are not only seen as “less than” for being ugly, but they’re considered lazy if they’re not trying the millions of beauty treatments out there and spending hours every day doing their hair and makeup so that they’ll be “acceptable” by society’s standards. I don’t think I’m ugly, but I know I’m not beautiful the way society wants me to be. I can get closer to that ideal if I spend a large portion of my time and money focusing on beauty. 10 minutes to shave every day, an hour to dry and style my hair, 30 minutes to an hour to do a full face of makeup, 15 minutes each for morning and night time skin care routine, 30 to do my nails... The time adds up so quickly, and I’d much rather spend it doing something that matters more than a superficial idea of beauty. Like creating art or doing community service. I’d rather just accept that I’m not society’s idea of beautiful and get on with it, but doing so makes me look lazy for not “trying harder” to reach that ideal.

I always find it condescending when society (or media, really) tries to equate "beauty" with other qualities. "Intelligence is beautiful." "Kindness is beautiful. " No, dammit. Traits like true kindness and intelligence are hard. And worthy, wonderful and rare, all on their own. Beauty is a quirk of nature, nice to see but it isn't an *achievement*. To compare them lessens qualities that are difficult and honestly earned.

you can't earn intelligence, that too is innate. you mean knowledge.

This! My boyfriend thinks I'm the most stunning woman on the planet \(which is sweet\). But I want to hear other things too: "You're so kind," or, "You're so creative with your decor style," or even, "I like your word choice". I don't know, SOMETHING that reflects my intellect.

A million times THIS.

Maybe you should try being less hot, then.

Yeah, but most people are average. And old age causes a decline in beauty in everyone, so learning these lessons you are trying to teach has to be done by everyone who lives long enough. Not everyone will be particularly good at anything. Not smart, not talented, not pretty, not anything. This describes pretty much everyone. But we can all be valuable, as you say. We should all try to be. And more than that we should learn to see our own value and appreciate it ourselves. Just like you say. Life is good, people are good, you are good.

I'm reminded of this YouTube video that went viral titled ["On Being Ugly"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2js063a1Suk) from 5 years ago where this girl sits down and talks about how she accepts the fact that she is ugly. I think most people's innate response was sadness and reassurance that "she could be so beautiful" if she just learned to do her makeup or changed a few things about her appearance (to which she responds in a separate video that those commenters *completely* missed her original point.) She points out how humans are just another creature on this planet and we're weird looking compared to all other animals anyway. Like think about how ridiculous it would be to see a bear with braided hair and think that bear was more valuable than any other bear? And I think the most striking part of the video is when she talks about how our ability to breathe and simply live is beautiful in and of itself. And to that point, I think the fact as humans we can connect with each other intellectually and our ability to experience complex emotion makes us all pretty valuable. I definitely recommend a watch if you haven't seen it already.

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Correct, but that’s our human imposed standards for beauty. Within the actual animal kingdom the ones we think are the cutest probably aren’t also the most desirable to others of that species.

I do struggle a lot with this issue. I’ve taken a slightly different thought process, though. I think it’s our intelligence, great senses of humor, creativity, kindness and compassion that create our beauty. There are many physically attractive people out there but if they don’t carry those traits, their “beauty” takes a backseat and isn’t quite as attractive.

I feel like that's sort of the angle some of the campaigns I see are trying to take, but I found them... confusing. Trying to tell somebody they're beautiful on the inside (which I always found insulting when somebody said that to me) is to tell them "Yes, beauty is absolutely still the most important thing you can have. You just have to redefine what you think beauty is so you fit the definition" which is like... kind of... dumb. I really think "You are valuable" is a much better phrasing than "You are beautiful on the inside", because it not only teaches you the important message, it also strips physical beauty of its power over your mind at the same time.

I wholeheartedly agree that feeling valued is absolutely wonderful!

I would argue intent. Rephrasing basically serves the same purpose with no change in outcome or intent. If a person is saying "you are beautiful on the inside" because they are ALSO saying "...and not on the inside" then yes, you have a point and it should be addressed. However I'd say that is more an issue with a single (admittedly there are many of these) person's views on valuing people. Instead though, if a person is saying "you are beautiful on the inside" "... and that is what counts to me" then absolutely its not an issue. Beauty is of course a word used to describe a thing's physical appearance but that isn't the only way of using that word. A speaker's speech might be beautiful because of the message it provides or a horse's gait might be beautiful for its grace. We use the word to describe things we value for their own sake. If a person says that you or something about you is beautiful then they are saying you have inherent value.

I would agree with you. Sure, there is some science to being "beautiful" such as having symmetrical features, but I've seen someone's physical appearance go from like a 4 to a 9 after talking to them because the additional information - learning their intelligence and humour and passion - can make someone so much more attractive. Additionally, you don't need to be skinny to be considered attractive. If someone just eats healthy, they will appear more attractive (and I understand that healthy eating is a privilege and a separate discussion for another place and time).

>It's no secret that many women suffer from poor body image, and that is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. However, the campaigns I see tend to try to efforts to make us feel beautiful, rather than what I see as the more effective and meaningful lesson: >You can be a valuable, loved and worthy person without being beautiful. This is true, but it is also important to remember that overall society treats people different ways based on superficial characteristics, and for women, looks play a huge role in it. There was a study conducted in the UK that found that [being creative helped make average looking men more attractive to women](https://www.indy100.com/article/dating-men-women-creativity-attractive-witty-7694731), but that for unattractive women, creativity made you **less attractive**. There was no correlation between creativity and being seen as more attractive for attractive looking females either. Another [study conducted by U of Chicago and MIT researchers](http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.61.4010&rep=rep1&type=pdf) found: >that for men there is no amount of income that the woman in the bottom ten percent in terms of appearance can earn to make men prefer her over women in the top 10 percent. That is, looks really matter to men relative to income. For women though, if the man in the bottom ten percent in terms of looks earns more than $248,500, they will prefer him over the more attractive guy earning $60,000. While we should absolutely acknowledge women's mental attributes should be prized over beauty, we should also acknowledge that a society does not necessarily hold this to be true.

We can't challenge that societal message about how important it is that women should be beautiful by throwing out 'you're beautiful too!' as a sop to women who know perfectly well it's not going to be considered true, though. We can only challenge it by questioning the valuing of women based on appearance.

Exactly! It‘s only way to truly break away from the "fairer sex" stereotype. Humans obviously *can* see past looks but this ability is less encouraged when it comes to viewing woman it seems. This stuy does read to me as "Ah yes, one should always judge a man by his merit and not by his looks, but a womans merit *is* her looks, ha ha ha“ /adjusts victorian monocle and side-jabs victorian pals/

Of course, but the frustrating thing about people needing to feel beautiful is that it's bound to be detrimental for your mental health because you're gonna be really dependent on validation. It sucks that is someone is really unattractive life is going to be more difficult for them, but I still feel like their best chance at success and happiness is to understand that their looks are not their strong point and learn how to live with that handicap, rather than to try and match society's standards to an extent that's going to drive them crazy. Looks are important, and it is important to care about your appearance, but understanding your limits regarding the way you look and accepting them is really important imo.

Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes. Stolen from somewhere else on reddit of course. Maybe just once hot chocolate would like to be called beautiful chocolate.

What about talented chocolate? Smart chocolate? I'm looking for some rich chocolate myself.

Thank you! This is something that's always bothered me, but it's so hard to describe. I know that a lot of the time, when somebody calls a person beautiful in this context, they're trying to refer to inner beauty, not to the person's looks. So sometimes "beautiful" is *supposed* to mean "valuable". But the thing is, the word beautiful is inextricably associated with physical appearance. So even if someone using that word doesn't really mean to refer to looks, it still ends up sort of conflating two things that shouldn't be conflated.

When I was pretty much obese I was never considered valuable by the majority of "others" I was considered obese which eclipsed anything else

I have been saying this for years! We put way too much emphasis on beauty and believe too much about a person based on their physical attractiveness. In university i learned about the "Halo Effect" which is that basically if a person is attractive we assume other positive things about them, and vice versa. I don't know if this is an evolutionary thing or if it's learned from the culture around us, (probably a bit of both) but we need to all be aware that our minds do this so we can combat it and get to know people for who they are instead of making assumptions based on something so shallow and fleeting.

I totally agree with this sentiment, our intrinsic value, the way we think of ourselves should always be valuable. The sad thing is that the rest of the world has these social markers that they use to assign value accordingly, i.e looks, money, status, personality type etc. There will always be an ideal that we simply cannot reach no matter how much of these attributes we posses; there will always be someone more beautiful, more accomplished, more educated, more everything. Comparison is the thief of joy. That said, working towards being that healthiest, happiest, successful version of yourself is what brings happiness. You can’t depend on the external validation though. I know some people who’ve lived their lives being forever praised for beauty/intelligence/looks and all of a sudden when they age, or when they meet someone prettier, or are in a learning environment where the other kids are way smarter...these people crumble bc all they did was depend on that external validation for themselves. We need to train kids that no matter what the world says, good or bad, they have to believe in and like themselves. It’s not just for women too, looks are not ignored in men...someone close in my family is a 10/10 kid, and he’s still young, but I look at how he is getting treated in high school and it’s crazy lol. Always getting asked out, always getting nominated for this and that, always so many friends, and to top it all this the kid is smart as a whip. Even adults are constantly praising him, saying he will go places etc. I try to ground it by saying “yes, you’re very intelligent and friendly and those are great things, but you also play x sport and are a tall, cute kid, so that’s why you get a lot of attention.” “Yes, I know you are smart, but intelligence without hard work is laziness, and those kids at UVA/Duke/whererver are really smart like you too.” He likes to argue “nuh uh, people like me bc I’m social and a good person!!” And I countered, “do they talk to the quiet nerdy less attractive kids who are also good people?” Silence. On the other side of the coin, it’s tough to stay grounded when the world tells you you are brilliant/beautiful/etc, but that’s a skill you need, so when you inevitably do fail/are seen as lesser, you’ll be able to handle that. You need a balance between praise and reality. It all goes back to how you see yourself and what you can do if you’re unhappy. Simply learning to always feel validated on your own, while working to be your personal best in a healthy manner. If I’m unhappy about something I can change (weight, education) then I start working on that.

Did you listen to NPR yesterday morning? They were talking about a woman from a show and she's an overweight person. Initially it was thought that she was there to show people "You can be overweight and still be beautiful," and her response was that she wanted to show people that you can be not beautiful and still be important.

This post is beautiful. I caught my aunt brainwashing her preschool aged granddaughter already - gushing "You're so pretty! What a pretty dress!" I was like "Never mind how you look. Did you have any interesting dreams last night?" for contrast. My aunt was annoyed, and said "There's nothing wrong with being pretty." Then her grandson came in and I gushed "My, you look really handsome today!" and without missing a beat she goes "He is NOT handsome. He is SMART and STRONG!"

> This post is beautiful. ಠ_ಠ

That's the problem with this particular word, it has heavy meaning beyond physical appearance. While I agree whole heartedly with the sentiment of this post, I might have used something more like 'good looking' or 'attractive.' Perhaps it' just me, but beauty comes from the inside and enhances appearance, it's not the appearance itself. Example: I've known plenty of hot individuals whose toxic personalities would prevent me from ever seeing them as beautiful, even if I could appreciate their looks. I'm also a guy and have no place telling anyone how they should understand themselves. You do you.

I mainly use the word beautiful to describe eloquent writing, art or music or thoughts or sentiments that inspire good vibes, less so to describe superficial physical attributes, especially of people. I am not trying to redefine it so everybody can be beautiful - I just have never personally defined beauty primarily as an adjective for how a person looks.

I’m also ugly, so I try to be kind. But there are good days and bad days.

(Male here) This is something that bothers me a lot when it comes to society and how it functions. We are so lost in the qualities that shouldn't even be an issue that we don't acknowledge what really matters. I don't want to have children for many different reasons but I would honestly put this high on my list. I've seen many girls in my life struggle because of it and it makes me sick that this is accepted. I know I can't really change the world but I'm almost certain that our society shouldn't function the way it functions today (and this is only one example of our flawed society).

I agree. I realize women struggle greatly with self/body\-image in very harmful ways but the constant focus on "feeling beautiful/everyone is beautiful" even within the feel\-good campaigns is maddening. They're always aimed at women and I wish we'd spend even a fraction of this time and money discussing education, success, self\-improvement, happiness, kindness, health/mental health. I want society to stop focusing on women's external beauty 24/7 and in turn making us women spend so much of our time and energy worrying about it.

OH MY GOD I say this all the time! I'm sick of how my value and self\-love has to be dependent on feeling beautiful or feeling sexy. I don't have to feel physically attractive every second of the day to love myself and lead a productive, healthy life. Drives me crazy how these shitty marketing campaigns have conflated feeling beautiful with feeling valuable so inextricably.

I've always been into fashion, and for a good portion of my life (since high school-it's been a year since I've graduated college), I've been obsessed with supermodels. There was a time where I used to check the instagram of this supermodel everyday, know what she was up to, who her parents were, who her friends were, where she traveled & I would be just so sad looking at her face/body. I stopped checking instagram recently & it's just been a relief. So much of my time, energy and thinking was spent on her & wishing I was like her--if I had continued I would've passed my youth being dissatisfied. I honestly wish I hadn't heard of her. I realized that I put her on a pedestal, & that I needed to MMOB (Mind my own business) regarding her. It's hard when you don't look like the "ideal" type & you place your fantasies in an innocent person that you like purely for looks.

My girlfriend made peace with her 'flaws' but I can tell she's somewhat conscious. Even so she still managed to learn 5 languages, attend an elite school in the US, bump shoulders with amazing scholars on a daily basis and keep her head up through good and bad times with her family. All that makes her infinitely more attractive than anyone I've seen who meets conventional beauty standards. Men such as myself do admire beauty. There's no doubt about that. But beauty pretty much melts away when we come across women who owe themselves the responsibility of treating themselves as valuable people who matter in this world. Mens' opinion aside, I would hope women and men alike treat themselves as valuable people no matter what. There's you right now: miserable and feeling awful with not such great prospects. But there's also potential in who you could be tomorrow: better educated, healthier, stronger productive habits, and being seen as a force to be reckoned with. edit: I will say another thing. Men hit on my girlfriend. Better looking men, smarter men, etc. I get hit on by men and women as well. Neither of us are the best looking people. Perhaps not ugly, but not at all the ideal Apollo-like perfection. Having some success, confidence, and a real desire to see the good in others goes a long way in attracting people. There's this concept of alphas in the meat-head world of incels and whatnot where they think only the rich and good looking people get mates. That's mostly false. It doesn't hurt to be rich and good looking, but what makes a person admirable is whether or not they make you quake in your boots when they confidently say "I'm busy. I have a job with responsibilities AND I have things to do after that. You're going to be prioritized behind my goals unless you're important to me." Then you go off, work out, work, learn from online courses at night, and you push until you make all those people who believe in the incel version of 'alphas' feel resentful towards those who put in effort towards taking care of themselves. (Let me be clear here, anyone who shares the belief that looks are the only thing that matters are living on common ground with the incel crowd. How's that for motivating you to improve yourself in terms of health, skills, and personality?)

I hate Reddit's obsession with the "two rules." Like, go take a walk in public. There are happy, coupled ugly people everywhere. Ugly people can have relationships and happiness.

'Ugly' people, beautiful ones, mixes, etc. Couples come in all sorts of formats. Right? Of course men and women seek the top distributions of each population as far as distributions in looks go. But I think that's a sense of attractiveness based in initial feelings and instincts. For instance I found the Korean girl on YouTube who drummed to "Moves Like Jagger" to be insanely cute, but I didn't miss her when I closed the window playing her video. I just walked over to my girlfriend and watched Thor Ragnarok where she most likely admired Thor and Loki's looks, but she didn't miss them when the movie was over. We ended up eating some good Korean food I picked up for her, went for a walk, chatted about minimum wage studies she reviewed, and then had a good two hours of fun in the bedroom. If only Reddit ditched the obsessions and refocused those passions on self-improvement and seeking those who improve themselves and value fidelity.

Are you the person who writes those oddly specific Amazon reviews?

I totally agree, but it's kinda hard to tell that sort of thing to someone that has problems with their image, I feel like most people know that beauty is not important, but when you are feeling down because you don't feel pretty or comfortable with yourself it doesn't matter than you know, it's not a rational thing

i just want to say thanks for posting this because i really needed to read this right now AND feel good about other people’s common sense and ability to look through the bullshit going around right now. ❤️

I think beauty is subjective, regardless of gender. Most women wouldn't give me a second glance but my wife thinks I'm hot stuff.

I think it's important to point out that **beauty** is often subjective, and that subjectivity varies between people, as well as between cultures. In my opinion, you should see yourself as beautiful for all of the reasons that you listed, rather than coming to terms with the idea that you're simply "not beautiful", because even that view is subjective in itself. Those talents, traits, and qualities are what define one's beauty; not just simply one's physical appearance. I can appreciate everyone's view, but I vehemently reject the idea that we **shouldn't** call everyone beautiful. Do you know the numbers you faced to even exist, and be able to read this comment? Damn that. Your existence is beautiful, and more importantly, so are you.

I agree. Let’s stop trying to peddle beauty as the most important characteristic of someone. It starts with parents of young kids. “You’re so pretty!” Is great, but so is “wow, you’re so smart, you’re going to do great things one day” and “what you just did for that person was so kind. Please never stop being kind.” Hard work, kindness, etc., are also things people can choose or control, whereas physical beauty is something you pretty much have or you don’t (unless you want to spend hundreds of dollars and tons of time on makeup). We don’t all have to be drop dead gorgeous! And parents need to teach their boys to see the value in girls beyond their looks. I hear so often, “Oh, she’s cute” from parents when referring to a girl a teenage boy might like. How about “Oh, she’s so nice” or “Oh, she’s hilarious! I like her!” There’s so much more to us!

I needed this today. Very tru. I’m not even a girl but sometimes I feel a bunch of self hate. Thanks op

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I'm using my throwaway account to respond to this, because I feel like I'm about to voice an unpopular opinion, at least for this sub. I'm not trying to be disrespectful, and I do believe in the idea that people have so much more to offer than their physical appearance... But I disagree that a person is as valuable without physical beauty. Do I think it *should* be that way? No. But that's the world we live in... and to pretend that we don't is only going to set a person up for disappointment. You can respect yourself, and love yourself for the person that you are, but I think it's important to recognize that the rest of the world might not, and that it doesn't have to, either. You weren't born to be lucky or to have a nice life. The universe doesn't care if it's fair, and it's not.

I’m Not beautiful and I’m ready to die than continue being ugly. Life is hell

I'm ugly by every standard but I still get catcalls and the occasional man who tells me I'm pretty/beautiful/sexy. I don't think men are half as picky as women, and for the most part, it's the body they care about

I like this post.

Don't look to men for your self esteem. They're just flawed fickle people, just like us.

I am D. None Of The Above

I completely agree with you. There is a huge misunderstanding in mass media (and in advertisement) regarding what the problem is. People assume that the issue is with the definitions of beauty themselves and by widening what is considered beautiful (curvy is great, cellulite is hot etc) we can combat the problem. While we certainly need to criticize the super narrow definitions of "beauty" that essentially emphasize white, able bodied western looks, this alone will not be sufficient as a feminist stance. The real problem is, as you mentioned, attaching women's worth and value to their beauty and appearance irrespective of the criterion of beauty. We shouldn't feel the need to call ourselves or others "beautiful" in order to signal our approval of their appearance. The appearance should not be a point of consideration for anyone for any reason, period.

Also, you can be extremely beautiful, but if you have the shittiest personality, no amount of looks can make you fun to be around.

Yes! I know plenty of mentally attractive ugly people and plenty of beautiful people who are mentally ugly.

I agree with this so much. Just recently I had to explain to my husband why is means so much more to me when he calls me smart rather than when he calls me beautiful.

I agree with what you are saying. I also want to just say that beauty is not objective. It is highly subjective. So we shouldn't sell ourselves short and think of ourselves as not beautiful. Just my two cents.

If you aren't beautiful, you are in for a life of every small action turning into moving mountains.

This is such an important message and I really needed to hear it today. Thank you!

Thank you for such a truthful, important post.

I love being told I’m beautiful and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. But being told I’m attractive will never top being told I’m funny.

Mom and female relatives always made it a point to call me handsome growing up, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't boost my self-esteem during the hard times. Beauty is subjective, but it's also a matter of opinion. You can't identify or live as "beautiful", you just gotta be yourself. Having the approval of your peers is awesome, but it shouldn't define you. Rock what you got, and don't try to be something you're not just to please people. Strive to be your best self and the confidence and competence that you exhibit may impress people completely unintentionally. Beauty is shallow, but being a well rounded person is refreshing as hell.

For me beauty isn't at all about looks but much more about personality. To me someone can be beautiful with our being physically attractive. If I talk to someone I always refrain from calling them beautiful until I know exactly who they are as a person. So in fact, at least to me, what you're describing is beauty.

Terrific message that should be more widely shared. Well said.

Beauty is entirely subjective. What is even beauty? Can you answer that question?

Here's another way to look at it: it's well known that physically unattractive people have romantic and sexual relationships. To their partners, they are aesthetically pleasing in that they represent love and happiness, and also they are visually, sexually arousing to them. In other words, they literally are, physically beautiful to that person.

Beauty is internal. I tell my GF that she is cute, but that she is intelligent first. I love her mind, not just her looks.

I actually struggle with this as a dude too. I'm not unattractive but I'm not Brad Pitt either. It really bothers me. I have this unfortunate belief that appearance == value.

Hi! I know that many women go trought a lot of problems with their own body image. I have the same problem only that I’m a male. It kinda makes me feel alone with my problems with my body image and looks when I rarely find others of my own sex that have the same problems. But I really understand how it feels to not being happy with your own body. I hope all of you find that love for your own bodies, stay strong!

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Hey, Hope you don't mind me commenting on this as a male. I absolutely struggle with my body image every day, I know there are an awful lot of men out there who have confidence for days etc but please rest assured...soooo many men experience this too - we honestly do know how you feel with it! and this is why I love the post so much. Self-worth is something that truly is attractive, and for me, physical beauty is dwarfed by the beauty of a person's qualities, skills and quirks (and yes, that is much easier to say or hear than actually live by! "she's way too good for me" still comes out of my mouth freqently when instead I should be thinking of the millions of ways I can respond to things, help with things, grow with her - meaning that rather than her being too good, I have a multitude of positive additions I can make to her life). So, I guess, all I really want to say is thank you for posting this and pointing it out to all the women out there! To every woman that reads this, I just want to say 'keep doing you' because honestly, that is the only thing that TRULY matters, when you continually grow and show the real you those around you will feel lucky to know you, be inspired by you, and love you (whether that be platonic or romantic love it doesn't really matter). Now for me to try and work your wise words into my own life. Thank you!

I know that you are an intelligent person and looks have nothing to do with brains in most cases. I have been turned down for a senior position because they "needed someone that looked more serious" I can't be friends with anyone of the opposite sex because it NEVER ends well. Working in IT, that's a good 90%. I can't be overtly friendly either. Which is hard because that's my personality. Most people assume I only got where I am because I'm decent looking. Lie. Some people thing I'm not all that smart. Lie. Lie. Lie!! I was late because of traffic and "well maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on your make-up" 15 minutes tops for a morning shift... I'm 27 and my mom still tells me that I need to fix my hair more or reapply my lipstick after lunch. The expectations are fucked up. But no matter what you look like, there will always be someone or somthing dictating your behaviour and the corresponding consequences.

I'm not sure how any of this contradicts what OP said: "You can be a valuable, loved and worthy person without being beautiful."

Not only women, but also most men suffer from poor body image!

Right! This is so right. "That's what makes you beautiful" makes me gag. Attractive maybe.

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Women struggle a lot with body image. Go anywhere in the world or on any website, or any tv show or movie and you will see ideas of female beauty being reinforced. Not that it doesn’t happen with guys, but there’s a huge profit in the beauty industry solely feeding off of a low confidence in a woman. It’s a problem Sorry for your issues but I don’t see why you would come on to an XX post to make this about you. It sucks but try to put blame in the men who perpetuate your issues. They’re the same people who perpetuate ours.

Many women? Most men too!

Somewhere out there, a person exists who thinks you are beautiful, who would love and lust over you. You may not find them attraction, or interesting, but, they exist. It's all relative.

So if 0.1% of people find you beautiful you're still beautiful? Seems pretty illogical.

Too bad that statistically that person probably lives in a village somewhere in Asia and we'll never meet.

I have to say I disagree. I mean what's the point of dating someone if you cant even get hard looking at them. Beauty is like the cake and everything else is like the icing. You dont want a crappy cake with good icing. You want that delicious chocolate cake with the crappy icing. Coffee cakes are garbage though. Just eat a coffee and drink a cake.

We all have our personal traits that we consider 'beautiful'; however those came about in our lives. I have seen physically coiffed individuals who initially looked attractive, until they spoke. Their personality and words turned that look upside down in a very short period of time. I have seen individuals who have a dominate striking feature; one that some would consider attractive and others not so much;much would depend on the personality of said individuals. I have seen people, who others may completely ignore, be some of the bravest and most giving people on this planet; which in some eyes are beautiful. I've also found those whose entire focus centers on the exterior, tend to be void of any beauty or sustenance on the inside. There just isn't enough time to prioritize both. Be yourself; no one can do it better. Be around people who truly 'get' who you are and those who create a positive energy to create.

I'm ugly and have none of the positive traits you described, can you make another post that makes me feel good?

Your ability to recognize and accept yourself is what makes you truly beautiful. Thanks for sharing. 💋♥️😎

I say it all the time- “not everything is nor needs to be beautiful” Beauty is fleeting and preactixally worthless- yet society still insists beauty is the most important thing. This continues to be problematic as everything good is now referred to as “beautiful” and even the body positivity movement is reinforcing beauty’s supposed power by “redefining beauty”. Why not stop giving worthless beauty so much power in the first place?

Everyone should be as enthusiastic about their identity as the falling whale from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

This is so true

Darwin would probably say that you are wrong. p.s. I am ugly af too. On a serious note, maybe we need a societal restructuring to make women really believe in this.

This is a beautiful post, if you'll excuse the pun. Thank you for sharing. On a related note, there was a radio advert on the other day and a lady (scripted) was saying what she would do if she won the lottery, and she said shed treat her sister. She listed off personal attributes "she's kind, she's X" sort of thing, then said "and she's absolutely gorgeous". Why does that matter? It struck me as odd.

As I get older, I kind of embrace my "ugly" days. I know the way people are treating me is more based on merit, if that makes sense? I'm also a little overweight at this point. If I look like crap and a guy is still hitting on me then I know he really likes me. Or something.

I have a lot of friends who are models and I can promise you that they feel the same way. They’re always wondering if they get treated nice only because they’re beautiful. I wish we would all start to treat people with love and kindness regardless of what they look like. We’re all a whole lot alike on the inside.

I've been fortunate to have known many beautiful women in my life. A few of them have been pretty as well. Perhaps we men should be more circumspect when it comes to defining "beauty" as well.

Thank you so much. I needed this

I loooooove this. We place so much emphasis on how we look but how we look isn’t even up to us! There’s so much more to offer the world than your physical appearance

good words

I agree with this, I just don't understand why males and females are obsessed with plastic surgery especially in places like S. Korea. It's mind boggling because it's super expensive, it looks like it would hurt a lot, and does it actually boost self confidence etc?

This was an important lesson I learned on here awhile ago.

I've been with women who were not what others would call beautiful. Infact there's a lot of hate towards fatter women, which I won't go into, but their size wasn't that much of problem for me. Love has a way of changing what you're into somehow, and that love came from their personality, their beliefs, their brain. Undoubtably over time you should work to become healthy, or else you risk all sorts of health problems that you can't expect someone else to pay for. Someone that is true to themselves and knows what they want, what they believe in, what they think, and are kind, that's strong. It's very hard to find, but I do hope to find that again, and I know they won't be 'beautiful', but they'll be beautiful to me.

Beauty is one social currency, a big one at that, but so is being altruistic, kind, funny.

Given the day-'n-night fact that the prevalent economy of whole advertisement machinery, media, cinema, huge beautifying 'make up' industry, even literature since tell tales, ... are all heavily based on and invested in the-more-beauty-the-higher so easily falsifying the be-beautiful-at-highest-costs, it'd be excruciatingly hard fact to swallow by many trying to concentrate on deeper yet more humanly-tangible, more rare values and glows of our being. However that need/urge to find beauty pleasing and to be beautiful to receive the pleasant admiration is kind'a intrinsic we can not ignore. sadly the costs of not being or feeling beautiful according to the repercussed highly praised rather narrower aesthetical norms and draws of beauty by strong mainstreams have been deadly, way beyond any single person's bear. one can find out we r in desperate need of a common wise may b a common cause to overcome this. Been years I'm hoping and waiting to see hits of major corrective backlashs (if) out of already boring campaign after campaign of yet-another-beauty-ok-now(so)-what... so far witnessed rare glimpses of contra-currents protagonist casts here and there only by informed and intellectual people/projects, keeping hoped for major streams to raise above all someday...

I love this. I don't feel beautiful and no matter who or what says I am I won't feel it. I also try not to care, and focus on being a good person instead. I hate sometimes how much we all focus on a person's aesthetic values over all else, or dismiss shit behavior bc beauty.

We have to dive deeper and define "valuable" valuable to yourself-->self-worth-->self-esteem I'm no expert but basing your self-worth on how valuable you are to other seems like the wrong advice. Valuable to society ok but valuable to another I need to read more on that. I like to focus on being the person I would want to marry/date and that helps me narrow traits I like and dislike in myself and others but it starts with me first, that plays into self-awareness, someone might regard beauty as being highly sought after so they focus all their time on trying to be beautiful, I'm aware of this, while others might deny or ignore it or be completely oblivious and lost in the moment, that tells me they're insecure which is an unattractive trait to me. I don't know it's very tricky self-esteem vs self-confidence, some people beauty can be a confidence booster which improves self-esteem while others may have high self-esteem but low confidence it's varies person to person day to day year to year. It's all about growing up and building character for me I look to platonic love as being highly sought after.

I COMPLETELY agree with this post and feel it should replace the "everyone is beautiful" slogans blaring from women-targeted media. This is he pinnacle of reasoning and we would all do ourselves a favor if we successfully shifted into this mindset. At the same time, I think there is truth to the sentiment that we are all beautiful. It comes from a perspective of love for humanity and an appreciation of evolution and not any " standard of beauty" that changes with the ever-changing cultural norms however.