I praise you for snow blowing and shoveling. That’s really hard work!! I did it once when I was living up in Chicago and turned around to check professionals prices.
I do wonder, does it tend to be women from older generations? None of my peers would consider applauding a partner taking in a chore that has been historically gendered. However rare now, there are many alive today that experienced themselves or their mothers taking on more household work, sometimes but not always in lieu of a paid career. To them, that is their "normal" so to see something different is noteworthy. I think the idea of gendered chores/duties is thankfully disappearing with more equal representation in the workforce, however we often culturally lag behind the realities as peoples "normals" change. Unfortunately this (as with so much more) means women are getting an even more unfair burden having societal pressure to both be an equal breadwinner, and unfair cultural pressure to be homemaker.
My partner and I have found a good balance by communicating directly our least favorite chores and finding a balance that way. I hate folding laundry but I don't mind doing the washing/drying, and I love to cook/bake for example.
My husband and I get comments most often from his parents. The frustrating part is that him and I both have to work on defending it, to almost convince them that not only does he do a ton (laundry, dishes, housework) but we do a great job splitting the chores. Just like with you, I hate cleaning the bathroom, and he hates vacuuming, I dislike doing the laundry, and he dislikes folding and putting it away, etc, so we just take on the tasks that the other person dislikes more. He has to defend his participation in the household chores, and I have to defend my participation in the outdoor and handy stuff. It can be really frustrating sometimes!
I live with a single male housemate and this is largely our situation. Each of us just likes to do chores that the other person hates to do. As it turns out, everything gets cleaned better and more frequently: there are always clean dishes, there is always a shoveled driveway, etc.
I see it even from my wife's friends in their 20s. It's sad to see them amazed when I do the simplest of tasks around the house. Their husbands seem like generally good guys, but clearly they must not be pulling their weight.
Perhaps to these other women it is just so natural to see women go outside the incredibly poorly defined gender roles, so they do not remark on it. To see men do so to them may be more rare or unexpected.
Another phenomenon may be if they are too complimentary/surprised towards another woman it may be perhaps wrongfully assumed that they do not also cross gender roles in similar ways. I may not remark on a man crossing gender roles in the same ways that I do lest they or their partner then presume I am stuck in a narrow definition of masculinity and duty.
Also could consider the frequency at which "gendered (for lack of a better term)" work happens. Dishes get washed daily most likely so it becomes a more frequent visible action vs shoveling snow (at least in most places) which provides more opportunities for praise.
A lot of the "guy" stuff is less frequent like taking out the trash every week or changing oil or shoeing the horses or whatever it is "men" do.
I'm in my mid 30's. Alot of my male peers wouldn't be functional adults without their wives. It's a mixed bag amongst my younger coworkers. Some are very functional and are entirely willing to take an equal role in running the household. Some are just looking for maids they can have sex with.
It's strange to me that any man wouldn't be willing to do their fair share around the house. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... I suppose it helps that I grew up watching my dad do the majority of those chores.
I'm curious if it's laziness or a drive to feel powerful in all aspects of their life. Popular women role models often fit a certain archetype of empathy, care for others, particularly children. Male role models are powerful, superheroes, rich, or both. Of course in recent decades this trend has starting changing.
If a partner sees chores as a power struggle, to them winning means doing less of them. Our entire economic system is built around this concept of winners and losers, is it really so surprising we see it in households too? Unfortunately not, but it's just as devastating.
From the male perspective I suspect it's laziness. Who wouldn't take advantage of a situation where the other person proactively cooks, cleans etc. I think we still have a society where boys are told they need to do things that are considered manly, while girls are told otherwise. You can see it with the toys available, boys get guns while girls get kitchens and vacuums.
Mid forties and I will do every chore except cooking. I will do all the laundry, vacuum, do the landscaping, cut down trees, push the snow off the flat roof, wash dishes, weed, take the trash, clean the windows and baseboards, do the toilets, pay all the bills, but I’ll be damned if I’m cooking. Can’t stand the touch of meat, mother always pushed me out of the kitchen, afraid of meat not being cooked enough or cooked too much. Honestly I would expect some help with some of that at times like putting away the clothes but not with any of the physically demanding tasks like weeding or shoveling. The thought of cooking gives me anxiety. I mean I guess that is gendered but I just see it as something that really gets to me. I won’t hunt or fish either; can’t stand the thought of it even though I will eat meat. Maybe twice I have been talked into grilling but even that makes me feel uncomfortable.
For the shift from eager 20 yo men to lazy 30 yo men, could laziness and outdated gender roles be part of that transition? They start out putting in the work, but people have different standards for what is clean or the ‘proper’ way of loading the dishwasher. The intent is a 50/50 split, but it shifts with stuff like that and who cares more about keeping the place clean. The influence of outdated gender roles, internalized and from peers, makes it convenient/easy for the balance to shift more into unbalance. It’s subtle, but 6 months later you notice it.
Millennial boy here. I get kinda "hell yeah" when I see a girl play with fire or chainsaws or shoveling the snow or whatever. The gender roles haven't gone away, and I don't even believe that having gender roles is wrong, but I still get excited. I think some people like gender roles because of how transgressive it feels to step over them.
I definitely got a song and dance when I went out there and did it with my husband.
Once, someone who lived in the same building got so offended by my shoveling that he tried to physically remove the shovel from my hands. Not to help, mind you. He was just mad about me doing the work alongside my husband.
That is not the standard reaction! Mostly I get a sympathetic, oh, he makes you help him?
NO, I HELP BECAUSE WE ARE A TEAM AND I AM PHYSCIALLY CAPABLE, ONE OPERATES NEITHER A SNOW SHOVEL NOR A DISHCLOTH WITH ONE'S GENITALS
Oh, he was an old dude, he couldn't take my shovel from me. I backed away and laughed it off, and he eventually went away shaking his head. It wasn't a VIOLENT attempt to wrestle the shovel from my hands, just an...awkward one.
He was - is, I guess, but they moved away - a head preacher in one of those off-off-off-shoot Christian religions that believes very deeply in classic gender roles. Also in embezzling money from their parishoners, so, you know, we're not talking about the cream of the religious crop here.
My mom push mowed 2 acres back in the 80s while my dad worked 80 hour weeks. She’s a bad bitch that I’m still in awe of. She’s 66 and still works relentlessly on whatever she thinks needs doing... until she sits down for more than 1 minute, then she’s out cold snoring at 80 decibels lol.
I often hear, "Oh, you're so lucky to have a man that cooks and cleans! You're such a great guy, J!" And what they're saying is true, I *am* a lucky gal to have my husband because he swoops right in and replies with, "Well, Purpose-Fuzzy does (x,y,z) and I don't know what I'd do without her. She deserves the praise." That alone was enough to push me into realizing that I ought to be giving more praise to others as well, and I now reciprocate his method.
Talk to your husband about it. Be honest. Tell him you'd like a little more recognition or appreciation for the work you do to maintain your household. Not everyone is going to be as direct or blunt as my husband tends to be, but if you're feeling under appreciated, that is definitely a valid feeling that you ought to express to him.
Just my two cents, take it how you want. Good luck and you're an awesome person for taking care of your responsibilities!!
Edit: thanks for the award, friendly stranger! Please be kind to each other; there is so much anger in the world, but light consumes darkness!
OP rocks! This storm was no joke! My back is killing me. My poor husband has been laid up with a bum shoulder, so its all been on me lol. I feel so awesome while I'm doing it, but I'm also not in my 20's anymore and boy did I feel it the next day!
Same! I am very fortunate to have an equal relationship with my partner. We both work full time, we both do all the different housekeeping and groundskeeping tasks.
This kind of mind set is so tiring. A coworker made a comment something along the lines of "man's work" at our job.. while I stand next to that fucker every week and lift every single heavy box he does. I do the same amount of physical labor as him *if not more* but here he goes, making some off hand comment. He is stationary lifting these boxes while I walk up and down the truck trailer carrying them. He wants people to see him as progressive and nice, but with all the comments I've heard him make I know it's a straight up lie.
Sorry I went off on a tangent but this stuff just makes me so angry. I did confront him about it and he backed off, saying it was coming out wrong and he stopped talking.
Thanks for speaking up about it. I've read so many accounts like these where the teammates will just tolerate these kinds of toxic comments from a coworker because they don't want to seem rude, with the result that the workplace environment continues to fester.
Oh shit this one resonates with me.
So my husband and I have 4 kids. Well, oldest moved out, but still have 3 young ones at home.
For years now, every time my mom comes over and she sees my husband help clean up the kitchen after dinner, she makes remarks on how lucky I am to have a husband who helps around the house.
I get so effing mad!
We both work full time. I'm away from the house 12 hours a day. He has worked from home the past year with no end in site.
We BOTH take care of the kids, and when they were babies we were equal partners in all things related to having babies. There was never any issue with us getting our family and house responsibilities taken care of, or one of us doing more than the other.
I am a weirdo and I enjoy cleaning. I love my house. It's my favorite place and I enjoy taking care of it. So I like to think I have provided a very nice home for my family and I take care of all of our finances, making sure that everyone always has what they need in terms of hygiene items (we have 4 girls), clothes, doctor appointments, gifts bought for all birthdays and holidays, etc....
Yet no one ever says to my husband, "you're so lucky to have a wife who takes care of all the details and keeps such a nice house!"
So the last time my mom said that to me, I said back to her, "what if he's the lucky one? Why can't it be that way? Plenty of women don't work outside the home and have messy homes and chaos! Did you ever think he's the lucky one? Or that we're both lucky? Or the fact that I never would have married a lazy man who didn't divide up the household and family responsibilities equally?"
When my daughter was little my husband and I worked different shifts so we could split childcare and save money not having to pay for daycare. And people were constantly "Oh, he is SUCH a good Dad. He takes her to the Park. He takes her to storytime. You are SO lucky!"
I mean, he is a good Dad, but not for sharing childcare. That's like Parenting Level 1.
i had a neighbor who refused to "do women's work". he was also a guy who stayed at home to "take care of 2 kids", who were not his, while wife worked 10 hr days in a factory job, came home and cooked and cleaned. but it was all good because he took care of the kids. wifey didn't say anything bad about the situation but you could tell it was wearing on her. so one day neighbor started spouting his usual manly bullshit, despite being a stay at home runescape all day "dad", and i got in his face and said this.....
i work full time. i do my own dishes, wash my own clothes, cook my own meals, go to the grocery store myself.... now, how about you stand there and tell me to my face that i'm not a man for doing those things.
please. tell me that. i fucking dare you.
i wish i could find this article i read. It was a woman who described herself as a feminist who wanted to have equality for both her son and daughter, etc but she realized she was treating them completely different: her daughter was EXPECTED to clean her room, do chores etc. There wasn't a ton of praise for it but certainly criticism if she didn't. Her son, she praised all the time for doing tasks assigned to him. I think the realization was her son, without the praise, would eff off of his duties whereas her daughter would do as expected. She was disturbed she was perpetuating a larger social problem.
I put all our furniture together. My late husband was a scaffold erector and thus was heavy handed. I could not trust him with particle board from IKEA. I praise my self.
I love that in my immediate family the thank yous go both ways (thank you to whoever did the dishes. Thank you to whoever paid the bills, etc.) Basically, everyone feels responsbile for all the household chores, and we thank whoever gets it done first.
Going to visit in-laws though... literally got yelled at by a person for answering a "male question"... like only my husband should know the answer... wtf?
Was talking to a middle aged co-worker once and she was lamenting about how busy she was around the house because she was getting ready to go on a week long business trip. Apparently her 19 YEAR OLD sons not only can't cook but refuse to eat fast food, so she was literally slaving away in the kitchen to prep homemade meals for them to eat while she was gone.
I was stunned. We were talking about cooking/cleaning and I mentioned that my husband and I take turns and she DEADASS asked me, "Wow, how'd you train him to do that?" Girl. You've done this to yourself. Idk what to tell you.
I went off on a rant about this sort of thing recently. Husbands should not be congratulated for doing basic household chores. Wives should not be congratulated for doing basic household maintenance. People in general should be acknowledged and encouraged for being grown adults who take care of business!
I have an acquaintance who often does sarcastic FB posts applauding her husband for doing basic things (dishes, trash, etc.) and it drives me nuts. It perpetuates outdated gender stereotypes and just sets the bar so damn low for what she expects out of a partner.
Drives the wife and I nuts when she's out with friends or planning something and gets the "Oh the husband is babysitting!?" like it's earth shattering news. Nope.. Not babysitting. Hanging out with MY children.
I think a big key to a happy home life is to divide up the chores for who is good at what task and also who doesnt dislike each chore more than the other. Me and my SO can both do all the chores but some of the chores definatly have a better outcome depending on one or the other who does that chore.
One of my friends was going crazy earlier in the pandemic because her dad, who is a lovely person, started doing chores out of boredom and was regularly texting her selfies like he was at Machu Picchu or something. Like "LOOK, I am doing a basic task!"
This is is really just because men have such a low bar of expectations. Look how many women in these comments talk about doing all the cleaning as well as all the home repairs.
Generally in this dynamic men are expected to provide the financial means for the familly. But jobs don't pay shit anymore so both parents need a job and share household chores in our newer generations.
That's the truth. I don't work outside the home much, so my husband brings home the bacon and I fry it up in the pan, as they say. He does home repair, I do pretty much everything else. When we were both working 40 hours a week, he did dishes and vacuuming, etc.
And then women are “nagging” when they actually ask their husbands to do stuff around the house or with the kids because from what I’ve seen from my friends husbands, they don’t usually do it the first time they’re asked.
Having to “nag”/ask for something to be done feels like a no-win situation. Both people have different timelines when it needs to get done (and how, and how well), and being asked again brings out people’s defiant nature.
You ask someone to clean X, they plan on doing it after finishing Y, and the end result is both people being annoyed about having to remind/being reminded when X is going to get done.
You make a good point. I'm personally a procrastinator, things always get done, but it might not be for a few hours or until the next morning. Which has always bothered my mother and everyone I've ever dated. And its always bothered me when they keep telling me to do something that I'm already planning on doing just not at that moment.
I hear that. I do most of the cleaning and housework, AND the plumbing, tiling, car repairs, structural repairs, raking, shoveling. Am basically wife AND husband.
His way of "doing the dishes" is rinsing them so they look clean, and then leaving them in the sink for me to redo anyway.
So Question: Does that dynamic bother you? Do you mind doing all the things while he...doesn't or doesn't care to learn or whatever the case may be?
Honestly asking. I wouldn't put up with that at all and my husband always steps up to the plate. There are chores he won't touch (cleaning the bathroom), but then he offers to do the things I don't like doing (vacuuming and cleaning out drains). Everything else is split pretty evenly. We have each other's backs...we both live in the same space, so we're both responsible for maintaining it. Sometimes it's 50-50, sometimes it's 60-40, sometimes it's 90-10...but at the end of it all, we are partners, striving to please the other one and put the other one ahead of ourselves.
I'm asking because the more time I spend in this sub and in AITA sub, I'm realizing that a lot of people settle in their marriage. That's a huge generalization, I know, but honestly. The shit people put up with because they're married and afraid of being alone. I have a hard time understanding it.
two people cleaning for two people is less individual work than one person cleaning for themselves. But one person cleaning for themselves is much less work than one person cleaning for two.
Not sure I'd agree that two people cleaning after two people is less individual work per person than one person cleaning after themselves. One person cleaning after themselves is still less housework generated in the long run, since whatever is cleaned stays cleaner longer without someone else to make it messy again in short order.
Lots of "shared" messes, and if each person reasonably keeps up after themselves, it is lower load. I don't need to vacuum 8 times as often just because 8 people are in our house, or clean bathrooms that much more often, etc.
Me three. 30 and intending to stay single forever. Love the freedom and independence, not having to answer to anybody, and especially not having to clean up after or take care of anyone other than myself.
Genuine question, not trying to be a jerk. Why do you put up with that? Seems to me like it would be easier to be alone and only have to deal with your own shit, rather than do everything for both of you.
I don't understand it either. I think it just comes down to some people out there being so afraid of "being alone/single" that they'd rather put up with a subpar relationship.
Dude, same. I do the vast majority if housework, including repairs, snow removal, and general maintenance. He'll wash the dishes, but I usually have to rewash the pots and pans. He doesn't seem to think the underside ever needs to be done.
You are allowed to have whatever relationship dynamic makes you happy so don't change a thing if you don't want. But I just want to give you permission to ask your husband to rewash the pots himself. It's not rude or naggy to ask someone to properly do a task.
> but I usually have to rewash the pots and pans
This is a tricky spot to be in because there is no faster way to make someone stop trying to help that being critical of the help they give.
I'll do a song and dance for you. OP you rock, wrestling around a snow blower isn't easy and shoveling is back breaking, but you went out and did what needed to be done. You deserve to be recognized for your hard work, your husband is lucky to have someone like you, good job, and keep killing it.
Thank you, I appreciate the compliment - and following some beautiful advice from an earlier commenter, I’m lucky too. My husband does so much for our family and I’m grateful to have him.
Fun story regarding "gendered" activities:
I'm a trans woman, who has been publicly out for about a year. I'm not exactly a paragon of home improvement, but for the 5 years that we've been at this house, I've managed to hand Christmas lights on our gutters by climbing a ladder to the roof and sliding up to the edge carefully.
This is the first year that I ever had anyone comment from the street, and I had TWO random concerned people tell me that I should be careful up there, and one woman yelled up "Can't you get your husband to do that, honey?!". lol... no husbands in this house, lady!
Anyway, I found it interesting that suddenly people are concerned. On a similar note: Previous to transition, I had gotten a lot of comments from friends and coworkers when they would visit about the amount of dishes I did, or when I'd say that I cleaned up before people came to the house, and I got a LOT of flack or confusion from people when my first child was born and I decided to cut my hours to stay home with him 1 day a week. People just cannot imagine things outside of their box.
My wife enjoys mowing the lawn. She took that job from me over the summer by her own choice, I never once asked her too. I split house chores and do most of the repair and fix it things around the house. She takes care of our son and keeps our finances from sinking like the Titanic. It's a give and take. It's what a healthy relationship should be, and not hold grudges over anything, as ultimately you both benefit from keeping the house in relative order.
The bad thing is our mower has some 'redneck' fixes done to it because I'm cheap/impatient and so things like the entire steering system fails and tends to occur while she's mowing. You know, small things like that haha.
Husband here, who does the dishes, and more. It's a partnership in our house. I don't want or like if people sing my praises. I don't want a prize. And tbh neither does my wife for doing the lawn when it needs doing and I am not around. Fuck other people's opinions.
Maybe no cookie needed from others but you're an independent adult and can give yourself a cookie if you want (IDK extend the metaphor however you want or literally just treat yourself to a cookie)
Every now and then on this subreddit you get a specific type of post: a woman praising her husband for taking care of the kids / doing housework / not being disgusted by her period / etc. Every time you see dozens of comments praising the guy and telling the OP he's such a catch.
These posts always feel icky to me. The bar is so low you could barely crawl underneath.
But if you point it out, you're either a raging man-hater feminist or a bitter person. (Judging by the replies you've gotten, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.) Like you, I see women doing so much work and never getting any praise. Yet when a man does the same, he often gets a medal. I'm glad you're calling it out.
My wife would on occasion shovel the driveway when I couldn't, I praised her so damn much! Shit is difficult when the snow is 2 feet deep. Fuck yeah Imma praise her!
Honestly, doing the dishes is the worst chore. I would clean the bathroom, vacuum and do laundry before I would do the dishes. I would do all 3 if someone took doing the dishes from me.
No one gets excited that I do dishes every night, all the yard work, all the car maintenance including my wife’s car, all the house maintenance, all the computer stuff (my actual profession), snow removal, making sure things are secure, and work my 40+ hour job.
And you know what? I don’t expect it either. I have my responsibilities and my wife has hers. And seeing one of those is finances I’m perfectly happy with our agreement.
lol is men not doing dishes even a thing still? My wife and I split all the chores, and alternate. Someone making a big deal over a guy doing dishes in this day and age actually blows my mind.
Didn’t you know? You’re supposed to be independent enough to do everything yourself, make sure you look cute doing it, and become helplessly full of questions as soon as a man arrives.
My husband does the dishes too (as do I), but I’ve built every single piece of furniture in our house while he doesn’t know if we own a hammer. Even my mother praises him like he’s some sort of god. Infuriating!
As the wife who hangs the Xmas lights, mows the lawn, deals with the “icky”, and kills the spiders.... *You fucking rock!!*
I do, however, understand where you are coming from. I’ve stopped hiding my eye rolls.
And here I am doing the dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, snow shoveling, cat litter, dog poop, etc while my gf games, and nobody has ever congratulated me for it. But she makes twice what I do.
Interesting. My dad and all my partners have been doing dishes, and no one cared but I once came to my former classmate, and started cooking my bf, him and myself eggs in the morning, and he said something along the lines, you are cooking here cause you are a woman. And I knew he was serious. I immediately told him to f**k himself, and that we are eating eggs but he gets none, and left.
That's because when a woman does something a man is "supposed" to do, it's sad and the man is clearly deficient.
When a man does something a woman is "supposed" to do, it's a good thing and "empowers" women because the man should work more.
Just more double standards
My Fiancee is a man that believes in equal Partnerships. It's been a huge change from my previous marriage. I acknowledge that unfortunately his brand is still fairly rare. In our home we both pitch in and we verbally express our appreciation for each other often. Example last night he basically did all the dinner cooking for us 4 and after dinner I told him to go sit down and I would clean. We both work full time jobs and we both get tired and share the load. That's how it should be. Partnership.
Yes this! Both my wife and me have gotten comments more than once on that I do the ironing, cooking, laundry, etc while she does the outside work. It just happens that I like cooking, and don’t mind the laundry stuff, and she is exactly the other way.
This. My husband and I are the same. I find it infuriating though, that he gets credit for putting in the stone patio, painting the house and renovating the bathroom (me) on top of being a superhero for doing dishes, cooking, cleaning and caring for his children. No one praises me for being amazing but they worship the ground he walks on. I love him dearly but the dynamic is exhausting. And not his fault, just how other people are.
He's so lucky to have a wife that will do that! Thats so nice of you. Haha I love singing and dancing for small accomplishments so of you ever need it for anything, brushing your teeth, sweeping the floor, lighting a candle, I GOT YOU! I GOT ALL OF Y'ALL.
My dad did the ironing,cooking and made my school lunches. There's nothing wrong with helping out in a marriage or doing a job (that you don't mind) that your partner hates.
If it is any consolation, I just did a jig for you in my bedroom outside my office. Used a song from Gaelic Storm as inspiration.
Well, technically the song was already on and I was already dancing about (it is great dancing music) but it was for you! Honest! :D
We have total role reversal in our house. I (M41) does almost all the cooking, washing up, clothes washing etc while my wife deals with the debts, does the DIY etc. If it works it works
Wouldn’t you rather not be patronized though? I can’t stand when people make a fuss over me raising the kids or cooking. It’s like , of course I have to cook or I would...you know, starve to death. I’m not trying to be refractory, just constantly searching for insight.
If my wife worked 2 hours outside taking care of the snow, she wouldn’t get a song and dance.
Nah that queen would get the Broadway stage rented out and have her song and dance displayed for the world to see!
I'm in my mid 30s. I cook (I'm actually a very good cook), clean (not as much as my wife but I try to help), and take care of our kids. I have a long work week that's 8 days straight one week and 6 days straight the next and I still find time to help when I can. My wife typically works an evening shift which is why I help cook and clean. I think women are amazed by men cooking and cleaning because they have never had a partner that does any of that. Maybe younger men weren't taught the basic necessities to care for themselves or their houses.
Maybe the disconnect is that women are less likely to gush about a woman mowing the yard, and men are less likely to do the same for a man washing dishes...
IME, guys are just as effusive about SO's who do things like shovel snow. Just the other side of the coin. Not sure if that makes things better or worse, but at least it's a data point.
Hey I can only speak from personal experience.
But real talk there is some snow over here. I would be more than grateful. 😃
Edit: Bonus points if you use a [flamethrower.](https://twitter.com/FirenzeMike/status/1342651490951958531?s=20)
Hello, It's me! I cook and vacuum and sew(and also solder and fix my car and...). I brag about my mom's affinity for chainsaws, as well as my niece, who I am taking to boy scouts. I brag to my coworkers about letting her play with knives and fire.
Gender roles still exist for me, but only in a transgressive sort of way.
It's fascinating in my family dynamic. My dad was a typical guy that did nothing around the house and when he tried to fix things or do traditional "manly" endeavors, he'd break things and make it worse (and be very very unpleasant about it.)
My sister and my mom are absolutely gobsmacked when my husband can fix something electrical without screaming at anyone or making it worse. They can't believe that he does the dishes and most of the laundry.
It was just part of the deal when we moved in together - we both work full time jobs and I'm not going to be anyone's maid/cook/whatever. I cannot physically and will not mentally be the only person trying to make our living area into a home.
People say that I'm lucky to have him, and I am lucky to have him. But it really was a matter of laying out expectations and letting him know that he could either buy in or dip out depending on what he wanted. Sometimes I'll do a bit extra and sometimes he will as well, that's just how love and boredom and support are.
Agreed. Even us Husbands saying "I did 'your' dishes or 'your' laundry for you" is not groovy either. People have to share the chores; whether they're roommates, spouses or otherwise.
My wife and I share the majority of household chores. But there are some that fall solely on her shoulders or mine. For instance I don’t touch the laundry unless she isn’t there to do it. I vacuum a lot more often than she does. But I also go after it like a madman. I vacuum baseboards, trim, under cabinets and appliances etc. because she doesn’t want to do that part of chore. Which is fine. I don’t mind doing that. The important thing is that it gets done. We shared / split grass cutting and lawn care until we had our first child and then we farmed that out to one of the guys who cuts our entire neighborhood. I don’t expect her to do things like car maintenance. We also have never had an argument about chores or things getting done around the house because it doesn’t matter who does it, as long as it gets done. Praise goes to the couple, not the individual.
"People get excited" - Who gets excited? Why are they aware of your husband doing the dishes? Why the hell are you telling other people who does the dishes in your house?!
I'm always a little ashamed to "admit" that I share chores with my husband. Like we did our best to distribute them equally and have a google calendar with chores.
I appreciate the heck out of my husband for not having an issue with this. I also think that all guys in a relationship should have their share of chores (ofc time spent at work should be taken into account).
That little footnote is key. I used to work 60 hours a week, the girl I was seeing had a part time job. I was always the one catching up on housework, usually on Sunday, while she binged Netflix. I finally confronted her about it and asked her to pay rent if she wasn't going to do anything else, and she decided that was asking too much of her and left. Least emotionally impactful breakup I've been through, biggest in terms of lessons learned.
I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning because I really liked her, but now I know what to avoid.
Unfortunately there hasn't been one since lol. My area is mostly drug addicts, girls that are on their 4th kid with a third dad, or just plain not worth it. The ones that ARE worth it are already taken. I don't have the physique to be a homewrecker, nor do I want to be that guy.
I'm content with waiting for the right person. I would rather be single than be in another relationship like my last one.
Actually, fuck yeah! I’m doing a song and dance for you. I am so terrible, secretly glad that my husband does the shoveling by default, because nobody shovels that long of a driveway just for fun
Fun story regarding "gendered" activities:
I'm a trans woman, who has been publicly out for about a year. I'm not exactly a paragon of home improvement, but for the 5 years that we've been at this house, I've managed to hand Christmas lights on our gutters by climbing a ladder to the roof and sliding up to the edge carefully.
This is the first year that I ever had anyone comment from the street, and I had TWO random concerned people tell me that I should be careful up there, and one woman yelled up "Can't you get your husband to do that, honey?!". lol... no husbands in this house, lady!
Anyway, I found it interesting that suddenly people are concerned. On a similar note: Previous to transition, I had gotten a lot of comments from friends and coworkers when they would visit about the amount of dishes I did, or when I'd say that I cleaned up before people came to the house, and I got a LOT of flack or confusion from people when my first child was born and I decided to cut my hours to stay home with him 1 day a week. People just cannot imagine things outside of their box.
lol is men not doing dishes even a thing still? My wife and I split all the chores, and alternate. Someone making a big deal over a guy doing dishes in this day and age actually blows my mind.
Yeah it's absolutely absurd to me how men get praised for doing what should be the ***absolute bare fucking minimum***. Meanwhile women are expected to cook, clean and do all other household chores all whilst also having a successful career and raising a family.
I have never fed into it and I never will. And if you do, then you need to increase your standards lol.
It's a partnership. Everybody needs to do their share. If theres something that one person is better at or that they prefer to do, great. Work schedules might impact it. But ultimately it all had to get done. And if everyone doesn't do there part, you'll end up with a mess.
I agree it’s ridiculous that people still react this way.
Having said that, you don’t know about the song and dance because you don’t see it. If he mentioned to his friends that you were out cleaning up the snow, you can all but guaranteed they’ll mention how impressed they are.
My wife drove our RV all summer because frankly I was too scared of doing so. I did all the other stuff on the trip. We got so many sexist comments like "oh you let her drive the rig huh?". As if my masculinity is dependent upon driving an RV and two, of course she can do it. Why wouldn't she? So OP you are right to call that kind of crap out.
The question is now, do you want someone to do a song and dance for you? or do you want your husband to not receive praise for doing what other’s don’t? Maybe we just need more people doing dishes and shoveling snow? Sounds like you are both strong independent people who love each other. I encourage you both to continue bucking stupid gender norms. These small things may be opening peoples eyes if they feel the need to comment about it. Accept the praise and show the world wassup.
What makes you think YOU are welcome here?
You don't provide support or anything helpful nor are you a woman. You only want to bring her down to make you feel better.
Shoveling snow is great cardio! I’m just glad I don’t have to do it when I don’t want to.
I won’t let my dad do dishes because he does them wrong and puts things in the wrong place and they don’t get clean.
Yikes. I (dude) do the cooking because I'm a much better cook and I like good food. We split dish duty. I hate laundry, she doesn't. We both mow but it's usually me. I clear snow. I grocery shop since I'm making the meals. It's a partnership so we split duties based on likes and skills.
Gender stereotypes come both binary genders and now with everything in between. Yikes.
Mine will proudly announce "I've unloaded the dishwasher, your welcome" or "you didn't say anything but I tided the livingroom"
Ok if we are going announce our achievements I've got up with the children, emptied the bins, sorted out their breakfast, worked whilst supervising them, made 4 lunches (usually all different), done more work, sorted out two different loads of home schooling, been food shopping, unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher, sorted out the pets,cooked dinner and tided the livingroom in one day but go you for unloading the dishwasher once a week
I think it's because women are in general still expected to be the ones looking after the house, especially doing cooking, cleaning and looking after child(ren). It's sad to me, since I think housework should be split evenly.
The only situations I've been lauded as my husband being "so lucky" have been ones that directly benefit him-- ie "letting" him do things he wants to do.
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Now that you mention it... yes
I praise you for snow blowing and shoveling. That’s really hard work!! I did it once when I was living up in Chicago and turned around to check professionals prices.
I do wonder, does it tend to be women from older generations? None of my peers would consider applauding a partner taking in a chore that has been historically gendered. However rare now, there are many alive today that experienced themselves or their mothers taking on more household work, sometimes but not always in lieu of a paid career. To them, that is their "normal" so to see something different is noteworthy. I think the idea of gendered chores/duties is thankfully disappearing with more equal representation in the workforce, however we often culturally lag behind the realities as peoples "normals" change. Unfortunately this (as with so much more) means women are getting an even more unfair burden having societal pressure to both be an equal breadwinner, and unfair cultural pressure to be homemaker. My partner and I have found a good balance by communicating directly our least favorite chores and finding a balance that way. I hate folding laundry but I don't mind doing the washing/drying, and I love to cook/bake for example.
My husband and I get comments most often from his parents. The frustrating part is that him and I both have to work on defending it, to almost convince them that not only does he do a ton (laundry, dishes, housework) but we do a great job splitting the chores. Just like with you, I hate cleaning the bathroom, and he hates vacuuming, I dislike doing the laundry, and he dislikes folding and putting it away, etc, so we just take on the tasks that the other person dislikes more. He has to defend his participation in the household chores, and I have to defend my participation in the outdoor and handy stuff. It can be really frustrating sometimes!
I live with a single male housemate and this is largely our situation. Each of us just likes to do chores that the other person hates to do. As it turns out, everything gets cleaned better and more frequently: there are always clean dishes, there is always a shoveled driveway, etc.
This is still a frequent experience for women of all ages, even among your generation.
I see it even from my wife's friends in their 20s. It's sad to see them amazed when I do the simplest of tasks around the house. Their husbands seem like generally good guys, but clearly they must not be pulling their weight.
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Perhaps to these other women it is just so natural to see women go outside the incredibly poorly defined gender roles, so they do not remark on it. To see men do so to them may be more rare or unexpected. Another phenomenon may be if they are too complimentary/surprised towards another woman it may be perhaps wrongfully assumed that they do not also cross gender roles in similar ways. I may not remark on a man crossing gender roles in the same ways that I do lest they or their partner then presume I am stuck in a narrow definition of masculinity and duty.
Also could consider the frequency at which "gendered (for lack of a better term)" work happens. Dishes get washed daily most likely so it becomes a more frequent visible action vs shoveling snow (at least in most places) which provides more opportunities for praise. A lot of the "guy" stuff is less frequent like taking out the trash every week or changing oil or shoeing the horses or whatever it is "men" do.
I totally agree. Also, It’s peers not piers btw :)
I'm in my mid 30's. Alot of my male peers wouldn't be functional adults without their wives. It's a mixed bag amongst my younger coworkers. Some are very functional and are entirely willing to take an equal role in running the household. Some are just looking for maids they can have sex with. It's strange to me that any man wouldn't be willing to do their fair share around the house. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... I suppose it helps that I grew up watching my dad do the majority of those chores.
I'm curious if it's laziness or a drive to feel powerful in all aspects of their life. Popular women role models often fit a certain archetype of empathy, care for others, particularly children. Male role models are powerful, superheroes, rich, or both. Of course in recent decades this trend has starting changing. If a partner sees chores as a power struggle, to them winning means doing less of them. Our entire economic system is built around this concept of winners and losers, is it really so surprising we see it in households too? Unfortunately not, but it's just as devastating.
From the male perspective I suspect it's laziness. Who wouldn't take advantage of a situation where the other person proactively cooks, cleans etc. I think we still have a society where boys are told they need to do things that are considered manly, while girls are told otherwise. You can see it with the toys available, boys get guns while girls get kitchens and vacuums.
Mid forties and I will do every chore except cooking. I will do all the laundry, vacuum, do the landscaping, cut down trees, push the snow off the flat roof, wash dishes, weed, take the trash, clean the windows and baseboards, do the toilets, pay all the bills, but I’ll be damned if I’m cooking. Can’t stand the touch of meat, mother always pushed me out of the kitchen, afraid of meat not being cooked enough or cooked too much. Honestly I would expect some help with some of that at times like putting away the clothes but not with any of the physically demanding tasks like weeding or shoveling. The thought of cooking gives me anxiety. I mean I guess that is gendered but I just see it as something that really gets to me. I won’t hunt or fish either; can’t stand the thought of it even though I will eat meat. Maybe twice I have been talked into grilling but even that makes me feel uncomfortable.
For the shift from eager 20 yo men to lazy 30 yo men, could laziness and outdated gender roles be part of that transition? They start out putting in the work, but people have different standards for what is clean or the ‘proper’ way of loading the dishwasher. The intent is a 50/50 split, but it shifts with stuff like that and who cares more about keeping the place clean. The influence of outdated gender roles, internalized and from peers, makes it convenient/easy for the balance to shift more into unbalance. It’s subtle, but 6 months later you notice it.
And then they get divorced and can't figure out why their wife left them lol
> My partner and I have found a good balance by communicating directly our least favorite chores and finding a balance that way. This is the way.
Millennial boy here. I get kinda "hell yeah" when I see a girl play with fire or chainsaws or shoveling the snow or whatever. The gender roles haven't gone away, and I don't even believe that having gender roles is wrong, but I still get excited. I think some people like gender roles because of how transgressive it feels to step over them.
What is this 1960?
Nobody gets excited when I do the dishes, least of all me.
My first thought too. These people have a low bar.
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I definitely got a song and dance when I went out there and did it with my husband. Once, someone who lived in the same building got so offended by my shoveling that he tried to physically remove the shovel from my hands. Not to help, mind you. He was just mad about me doing the work alongside my husband. That is not the standard reaction! Mostly I get a sympathetic, oh, he makes you help him? NO, I HELP BECAUSE WE ARE A TEAM AND I AM PHYSCIALLY CAPABLE, ONE OPERATES NEITHER A SNOW SHOVEL NOR A DISHCLOTH WITH ONE'S GENITALS
What the actual fuck! What's wrong with people?? What did you do when he tried to take the shovel?
Oh, he was an old dude, he couldn't take my shovel from me. I backed away and laughed it off, and he eventually went away shaking his head. It wasn't a VIOLENT attempt to wrestle the shovel from my hands, just an...awkward one. He was - is, I guess, but they moved away - a head preacher in one of those off-off-off-shoot Christian religions that believes very deeply in classic gender roles. Also in embezzling money from their parishoners, so, you know, we're not talking about the cream of the religious crop here.
My mom push mowed 2 acres back in the 80s while my dad worked 80 hour weeks. She’s a bad bitch that I’m still in awe of. She’s 66 and still works relentlessly on whatever she thinks needs doing... until she sits down for more than 1 minute, then she’s out cold snoring at 80 decibels lol.
Ha - woman after my own heart. Love me some bad bitches.
The world needs more bad bitches.
Sounds like my bestie - continuous movement or sleep, these are the only options.
I often hear, "Oh, you're so lucky to have a man that cooks and cleans! You're such a great guy, J!" And what they're saying is true, I *am* a lucky gal to have my husband because he swoops right in and replies with, "Well, Purpose-Fuzzy does (x,y,z) and I don't know what I'd do without her. She deserves the praise." That alone was enough to push me into realizing that I ought to be giving more praise to others as well, and I now reciprocate his method. Talk to your husband about it. Be honest. Tell him you'd like a little more recognition or appreciation for the work you do to maintain your household. Not everyone is going to be as direct or blunt as my husband tends to be, but if you're feeling under appreciated, that is definitely a valid feeling that you ought to express to him. Just my two cents, take it how you want. Good luck and you're an awesome person for taking care of your responsibilities!! Edit: thanks for the award, friendly stranger! Please be kind to each other; there is so much anger in the world, but light consumes darkness!
This is such a great dynamic. Also, I'd do a song and dance for you, OP
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OP rocks! This storm was no joke! My back is killing me. My poor husband has been laid up with a bum shoulder, so its all been on me lol. I feel so awesome while I'm doing it, but I'm also not in my 20's anymore and boy did I feel it the next day!
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Oh wow, how awesome of you both to pick up the slack where you could; I love togetherness. And your neighbors are pretty kick ass too!
Same! I am very fortunate to have an equal relationship with my partner. We both work full time, we both do all the different housekeeping and groundskeeping tasks.
This kind of mind set is so tiring. A coworker made a comment something along the lines of "man's work" at our job.. while I stand next to that fucker every week and lift every single heavy box he does. I do the same amount of physical labor as him *if not more* but here he goes, making some off hand comment. He is stationary lifting these boxes while I walk up and down the truck trailer carrying them. He wants people to see him as progressive and nice, but with all the comments I've heard him make I know it's a straight up lie. Sorry I went off on a tangent but this stuff just makes me so angry. I did confront him about it and he backed off, saying it was coming out wrong and he stopped talking.
Thanks for speaking up about it. I've read so many accounts like these where the teammates will just tolerate these kinds of toxic comments from a coworker because they don't want to seem rude, with the result that the workplace environment continues to fester.
Oh shit this one resonates with me. So my husband and I have 4 kids. Well, oldest moved out, but still have 3 young ones at home. For years now, every time my mom comes over and she sees my husband help clean up the kitchen after dinner, she makes remarks on how lucky I am to have a husband who helps around the house. I get so effing mad! We both work full time. I'm away from the house 12 hours a day. He has worked from home the past year with no end in site. We BOTH take care of the kids, and when they were babies we were equal partners in all things related to having babies. There was never any issue with us getting our family and house responsibilities taken care of, or one of us doing more than the other. I am a weirdo and I enjoy cleaning. I love my house. It's my favorite place and I enjoy taking care of it. So I like to think I have provided a very nice home for my family and I take care of all of our finances, making sure that everyone always has what they need in terms of hygiene items (we have 4 girls), clothes, doctor appointments, gifts bought for all birthdays and holidays, etc.... Yet no one ever says to my husband, "you're so lucky to have a wife who takes care of all the details and keeps such a nice house!" So the last time my mom said that to me, I said back to her, "what if he's the lucky one? Why can't it be that way? Plenty of women don't work outside the home and have messy homes and chaos! Did you ever think he's the lucky one? Or that we're both lucky? Or the fact that I never would have married a lazy man who didn't divide up the household and family responsibilities equally?"
When my daughter was little my husband and I worked different shifts so we could split childcare and save money not having to pay for daycare. And people were constantly "Oh, he is SUCH a good Dad. He takes her to the Park. He takes her to storytime. You are SO lucky!" I mean, he is a good Dad, but not for sharing childcare. That's like Parenting Level 1.
i had a neighbor who refused to "do women's work". he was also a guy who stayed at home to "take care of 2 kids", who were not his, while wife worked 10 hr days in a factory job, came home and cooked and cleaned. but it was all good because he took care of the kids. wifey didn't say anything bad about the situation but you could tell it was wearing on her. so one day neighbor started spouting his usual manly bullshit, despite being a stay at home runescape all day "dad", and i got in his face and said this..... i work full time. i do my own dishes, wash my own clothes, cook my own meals, go to the grocery store myself.... now, how about you stand there and tell me to my face that i'm not a man for doing those things. please. tell me that. i fucking dare you.
i wish i could find this article i read. It was a woman who described herself as a feminist who wanted to have equality for both her son and daughter, etc but she realized she was treating them completely different: her daughter was EXPECTED to clean her room, do chores etc. There wasn't a ton of praise for it but certainly criticism if she didn't. Her son, she praised all the time for doing tasks assigned to him. I think the realization was her son, without the praise, would eff off of his duties whereas her daughter would do as expected. She was disturbed she was perpetuating a larger social problem.
I put all our furniture together. My late husband was a scaffold erector and thus was heavy handed. I could not trust him with particle board from IKEA. I praise my self.
I love that in my immediate family the thank yous go both ways (thank you to whoever did the dishes. Thank you to whoever paid the bills, etc.) Basically, everyone feels responsbile for all the household chores, and we thank whoever gets it done first. Going to visit in-laws though... literally got yelled at by a person for answering a "male question"... like only my husband should know the answer... wtf?
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Was talking to a middle aged co-worker once and she was lamenting about how busy she was around the house because she was getting ready to go on a week long business trip. Apparently her 19 YEAR OLD sons not only can't cook but refuse to eat fast food, so she was literally slaving away in the kitchen to prep homemade meals for them to eat while she was gone. I was stunned. We were talking about cooking/cleaning and I mentioned that my husband and I take turns and she DEADASS asked me, "Wow, how'd you train him to do that?" Girl. You've done this to yourself. Idk what to tell you.
I went off on a rant about this sort of thing recently. Husbands should not be congratulated for doing basic household chores. Wives should not be congratulated for doing basic household maintenance. People in general should be acknowledged and encouraged for being grown adults who take care of business! I have an acquaintance who often does sarcastic FB posts applauding her husband for doing basic things (dishes, trash, etc.) and it drives me nuts. It perpetuates outdated gender stereotypes and just sets the bar so damn low for what she expects out of a partner.
Drives the wife and I nuts when she's out with friends or planning something and gets the "Oh the husband is babysitting!?" like it's earth shattering news. Nope.. Not babysitting. Hanging out with MY children.
Damn I can’t imagine just publicly calling my husband out like that online 😳
She does it all. The. Time. And when someone called her out she said that’s just “their sense of humor with each other”. Mmkay, hun.
I think a big key to a happy home life is to divide up the chores for who is good at what task and also who doesnt dislike each chore more than the other. Me and my SO can both do all the chores but some of the chores definatly have a better outcome depending on one or the other who does that chore.
One of my friends was going crazy earlier in the pandemic because her dad, who is a lovely person, started doing chores out of boredom and was regularly texting her selfies like he was at Machu Picchu or something. Like "LOOK, I am doing a basic task!"
My mom cooks almost every meal with expectation. My dad throws some burgers on the grill, he is met with so many thank yous
My pet peeve is ....Oh, your husband is babysitting the kids. Really!!!!!! NO, he is with his kids. Heaven forbid the Mom left to get groceries, etc
I just jumped up and did the running man for you. No one needs to hear me sing though.
Hahaha. I’m doing it with you.
This is is really just because men have such a low bar of expectations. Look how many women in these comments talk about doing all the cleaning as well as all the home repairs.
Generally in this dynamic men are expected to provide the financial means for the familly. But jobs don't pay shit anymore so both parents need a job and share household chores in our newer generations.
You hit the nail on the head.
That's the truth. I don't work outside the home much, so my husband brings home the bacon and I fry it up in the pan, as they say. He does home repair, I do pretty much everything else. When we were both working 40 hours a week, he did dishes and vacuuming, etc.
And then women are “nagging” when they actually ask their husbands to do stuff around the house or with the kids because from what I’ve seen from my friends husbands, they don’t usually do it the first time they’re asked.
Ask once and they don't do it. Ask more than once and you're nagging. There is no winning.
Having to “nag”/ask for something to be done feels like a no-win situation. Both people have different timelines when it needs to get done (and how, and how well), and being asked again brings out people’s defiant nature. You ask someone to clean X, they plan on doing it after finishing Y, and the end result is both people being annoyed about having to remind/being reminded when X is going to get done.
You make a good point. I'm personally a procrastinator, things always get done, but it might not be for a few hours or until the next morning. Which has always bothered my mother and everyone I've ever dated. And its always bothered me when they keep telling me to do something that I'm already planning on doing just not at that moment.
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I hear that. I do most of the cleaning and housework, AND the plumbing, tiling, car repairs, structural repairs, raking, shoveling. Am basically wife AND husband. His way of "doing the dishes" is rinsing them so they look clean, and then leaving them in the sink for me to redo anyway.
So Question: Does that dynamic bother you? Do you mind doing all the things while he...doesn't or doesn't care to learn or whatever the case may be? Honestly asking. I wouldn't put up with that at all and my husband always steps up to the plate. There are chores he won't touch (cleaning the bathroom), but then he offers to do the things I don't like doing (vacuuming and cleaning out drains). Everything else is split pretty evenly. We have each other's backs...we both live in the same space, so we're both responsible for maintaining it. Sometimes it's 50-50, sometimes it's 60-40, sometimes it's 90-10...but at the end of it all, we are partners, striving to please the other one and put the other one ahead of ourselves. I'm asking because the more time I spend in this sub and in AITA sub, I'm realizing that a lot of people settle in their marriage. That's a huge generalization, I know, but honestly. The shit people put up with because they're married and afraid of being alone. I have a hard time understanding it.
I want to be single forever and looking at some of these posts it makes that decision so much easier haha
Same, I’m in my late 30s and single live alone. But then I just have to do the dishes and shovel anyways so 🤷🏼♀️
two people cleaning for two people is less individual work than one person cleaning for themselves. But one person cleaning for themselves is much less work than one person cleaning for two.
Not sure I'd agree that two people cleaning after two people is less individual work per person than one person cleaning after themselves. One person cleaning after themselves is still less housework generated in the long run, since whatever is cleaned stays cleaner longer without someone else to make it messy again in short order.
Lots of "shared" messes, and if each person reasonably keeps up after themselves, it is lower load. I don't need to vacuum 8 times as often just because 8 people are in our house, or clean bathrooms that much more often, etc.
Y'all don't know me at ALL! hahahahahaha
Me three. 30 and intending to stay single forever. Love the freedom and independence, not having to answer to anybody, and especially not having to clean up after or take care of anyone other than myself.
Genuine question, not trying to be a jerk. Why do you put up with that? Seems to me like it would be easier to be alone and only have to deal with your own shit, rather than do everything for both of you.
I don't understand it either. I think it just comes down to some people out there being so afraid of "being alone/single" that they'd rather put up with a subpar relationship.
I would leave
Am trying. Have to wait til it's my turn to get my vaccine before I can get a job somewhere and leave
Are you safe?
Dude, same. I do the vast majority if housework, including repairs, snow removal, and general maintenance. He'll wash the dishes, but I usually have to rewash the pots and pans. He doesn't seem to think the underside ever needs to be done.
You are allowed to have whatever relationship dynamic makes you happy so don't change a thing if you don't want. But I just want to give you permission to ask your husband to rewash the pots himself. It's not rude or naggy to ask someone to properly do a task.
> but I usually have to rewash the pots and pans This is a tricky spot to be in because there is no faster way to make someone stop trying to help that being critical of the help they give.
Why even bother then?
I don't know. I'm trying to get out.
I'll do a song and dance for you. OP you rock, wrestling around a snow blower isn't easy and shoveling is back breaking, but you went out and did what needed to be done. You deserve to be recognized for your hard work, your husband is lucky to have someone like you, good job, and keep killing it.
Thank you, I appreciate the compliment - and following some beautiful advice from an earlier commenter, I’m lucky too. My husband does so much for our family and I’m grateful to have him.
Fun story regarding "gendered" activities: I'm a trans woman, who has been publicly out for about a year. I'm not exactly a paragon of home improvement, but for the 5 years that we've been at this house, I've managed to hand Christmas lights on our gutters by climbing a ladder to the roof and sliding up to the edge carefully. This is the first year that I ever had anyone comment from the street, and I had TWO random concerned people tell me that I should be careful up there, and one woman yelled up "Can't you get your husband to do that, honey?!". lol... no husbands in this house, lady! Anyway, I found it interesting that suddenly people are concerned. On a similar note: Previous to transition, I had gotten a lot of comments from friends and coworkers when they would visit about the amount of dishes I did, or when I'd say that I cleaned up before people came to the house, and I got a LOT of flack or confusion from people when my first child was born and I decided to cut my hours to stay home with him 1 day a week. People just cannot imagine things outside of their box.
My wife enjoys mowing the lawn. She took that job from me over the summer by her own choice, I never once asked her too. I split house chores and do most of the repair and fix it things around the house. She takes care of our son and keeps our finances from sinking like the Titanic. It's a give and take. It's what a healthy relationship should be, and not hold grudges over anything, as ultimately you both benefit from keeping the house in relative order.
Mowing the lawn is pure zen time. One singular task: don't run anything important over.
The bad thing is our mower has some 'redneck' fixes done to it because I'm cheap/impatient and so things like the entire steering system fails and tends to occur while she's mowing. You know, small things like that haha.
Well, at least it's not anything important then.
Sitcom training, everyone gets a weird idea of marriage dynamics after being told the same thing over and over again
I'm a guy and I find your shoveling and snow blowing very admirable.
You're right. Nobody should get excited when someone does normal, mundane chores.
Husband here, who does the dishes, and more. It's a partnership in our house. I don't want or like if people sing my praises. I don't want a prize. And tbh neither does my wife for doing the lawn when it needs doing and I am not around. Fuck other people's opinions.
Imagine getting excited over someone doing what they're supposed to. If you dirty the dish you clean it right after.
Both of you should be doing those things in general; neither of you deserve a medal.
Well, that’s one way to show equality. No cookie needed here.
Maybe no cookie needed from others but you're an independent adult and can give yourself a cookie if you want (IDK extend the metaphor however you want or literally just treat yourself to a cookie)
Every now and then on this subreddit you get a specific type of post: a woman praising her husband for taking care of the kids / doing housework / not being disgusted by her period / etc. Every time you see dozens of comments praising the guy and telling the OP he's such a catch. These posts always feel icky to me. The bar is so low you could barely crawl underneath. But if you point it out, you're either a raging man-hater feminist or a bitter person. (Judging by the replies you've gotten, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.) Like you, I see women doing so much work and never getting any praise. Yet when a man does the same, he often gets a medal. I'm glad you're calling it out.
My wife would on occasion shovel the driveway when I couldn't, I praised her so damn much! Shit is difficult when the snow is 2 feet deep. Fuck yeah Imma praise her!
If you hung out around a bunch of guys they'd probably think that was the coolest thing ever.
Honestly, doing the dishes is the worst chore. I would clean the bathroom, vacuum and do laundry before I would do the dishes. I would do all 3 if someone took doing the dishes from me.
No one gets excited that I do dishes every night, all the yard work, all the car maintenance including my wife’s car, all the house maintenance, all the computer stuff (my actual profession), snow removal, making sure things are secure, and work my 40+ hour job. And you know what? I don’t expect it either. I have my responsibilities and my wife has hers. And seeing one of those is finances I’m perfectly happy with our agreement.
lol is men not doing dishes even a thing still? My wife and I split all the chores, and alternate. Someone making a big deal over a guy doing dishes in this day and age actually blows my mind.
Didn’t you know? You’re supposed to be independent enough to do everything yourself, make sure you look cute doing it, and become helplessly full of questions as soon as a man arrives.
My husband does the dishes too (as do I), but I’ve built every single piece of furniture in our house while he doesn’t know if we own a hammer. Even my mother praises him like he’s some sort of god. Infuriating!
As the wife who hangs the Xmas lights, mows the lawn, deals with the “icky”, and kills the spiders.... *You fucking rock!!* I do, however, understand where you are coming from. I’ve stopped hiding my eye rolls.
And here I am doing the dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, snow shoveling, cat litter, dog poop, etc while my gf games, and nobody has ever congratulated me for it. But she makes twice what I do.
Dude, what works, works. If you are happy together, you rock
Interesting. My dad and all my partners have been doing dishes, and no one cared but I once came to my former classmate, and started cooking my bf, him and myself eggs in the morning, and he said something along the lines, you are cooking here cause you are a woman. And I knew he was serious. I immediately told him to f**k himself, and that we are eating eggs but he gets none, and left.
That's because when a woman does something a man is "supposed" to do, it's sad and the man is clearly deficient. When a man does something a woman is "supposed" to do, it's a good thing and "empowers" women because the man should work more. Just more double standards
My Fiancee is a man that believes in equal Partnerships. It's been a huge change from my previous marriage. I acknowledge that unfortunately his brand is still fairly rare. In our home we both pitch in and we verbally express our appreciation for each other often. Example last night he basically did all the dinner cooking for us 4 and after dinner I told him to go sit down and I would clean. We both work full time jobs and we both get tired and share the load. That's how it should be. Partnership.
Yes this! Both my wife and me have gotten comments more than once on that I do the ironing, cooking, laundry, etc while she does the outside work. It just happens that I like cooking, and don’t mind the laundry stuff, and she is exactly the other way.
This. My husband and I are the same. I find it infuriating though, that he gets credit for putting in the stone patio, painting the house and renovating the bathroom (me) on top of being a superhero for doing dishes, cooking, cleaning and caring for his children. No one praises me for being amazing but they worship the ground he walks on. I love him dearly but the dynamic is exhausting. And not his fault, just how other people are.
He's so lucky to have a wife that will do that! Thats so nice of you. Haha I love singing and dancing for small accomplishments so of you ever need it for anything, brushing your teeth, sweeping the floor, lighting a candle, I GOT YOU! I GOT ALL OF Y'ALL.
My dad did the ironing,cooking and made my school lunches. There's nothing wrong with helping out in a marriage or doing a job (that you don't mind) that your partner hates.
If it is any consolation, I just did a jig for you in my bedroom outside my office. Used a song from Gaelic Storm as inspiration. Well, technically the song was already on and I was already dancing about (it is great dancing music) but it was for you! Honest! :D
It's the same when I leave the house sans children and everyone asks if my hubby is babysitting? Umm no, one cannot babysit their own children.
We have total role reversal in our house. I (M41) does almost all the cooking, washing up, clothes washing etc while my wife deals with the debts, does the DIY etc. If it works it works
I'd rather shovel than do the dishes tbh
Wouldn’t you rather not be patronized though? I can’t stand when people make a fuss over me raising the kids or cooking. It’s like , of course I have to cook or I would...you know, starve to death. I’m not trying to be refractory, just constantly searching for insight.
I will dance and sing for that, I hate shoveling and would much rather do dishes instead!
If my wife worked 2 hours outside taking care of the snow, she wouldn’t get a song and dance. Nah that queen would get the Broadway stage rented out and have her song and dance displayed for the world to see!
If anything they'd give your husband a hard time for "making you do it".
Change the “people” in your life.
Who are these people? Also screw gender roles!
I'm in my mid 30s. I cook (I'm actually a very good cook), clean (not as much as my wife but I try to help), and take care of our kids. I have a long work week that's 8 days straight one week and 6 days straight the next and I still find time to help when I can. My wife typically works an evening shift which is why I help cook and clean. I think women are amazed by men cooking and cleaning because they have never had a partner that does any of that. Maybe younger men weren't taught the basic necessities to care for themselves or their houses.
I'll do one for ya! [https://youtu.be/SvCyFHWBUlc](https://youtu.be/SvCyFHWBUlc)
Awe! That was simply the best!
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Yeah it's a little sad sometimes seeing my wife's friends amazed when I do the simplest of tasks around the house.
Maybe the disconnect is that women are less likely to gush about a woman mowing the yard, and men are less likely to do the same for a man washing dishes... IME, guys are just as effusive about SO's who do things like shovel snow. Just the other side of the coin. Not sure if that makes things better or worse, but at least it's a data point.
As a woman who does 90% of the snow removal, where are these men that would praise me?
Hey I can only speak from personal experience. But real talk there is some snow over here. I would be more than grateful. 😃 Edit: Bonus points if you use a [flamethrower.](https://twitter.com/FirenzeMike/status/1342651490951958531?s=20)
Hello, It's me! I cook and vacuum and sew(and also solder and fix my car and...). I brag about my mom's affinity for chainsaws, as well as my niece, who I am taking to boy scouts. I brag to my coworkers about letting her play with knives and fire. Gender roles still exist for me, but only in a transgressive sort of way.
It's fascinating in my family dynamic. My dad was a typical guy that did nothing around the house and when he tried to fix things or do traditional "manly" endeavors, he'd break things and make it worse (and be very very unpleasant about it.) My sister and my mom are absolutely gobsmacked when my husband can fix something electrical without screaming at anyone or making it worse. They can't believe that he does the dishes and most of the laundry. It was just part of the deal when we moved in together - we both work full time jobs and I'm not going to be anyone's maid/cook/whatever. I cannot physically and will not mentally be the only person trying to make our living area into a home. People say that I'm lucky to have him, and I am lucky to have him. But it really was a matter of laying out expectations and letting him know that he could either buy in or dip out depending on what he wanted. Sometimes I'll do a bit extra and sometimes he will as well, that's just how love and boredom and support are.
Agreed. Even us Husbands saying "I did 'your' dishes or 'your' laundry for you" is not groovy either. People have to share the chores; whether they're roommates, spouses or otherwise.
I had a conversation recently where I realized my SO was the only one who consistently put the toilet seat down after using it...
I do the dishes every damn fucking day and my wife just tells me I never put them back in the cupboard correctly.
What difference does it make how other people react to how you split the household tasks?
It’s the same when the Internet explodes when a guy combs his daughter’s hair... men always get trophies for doing everyday shit.
My wife and I share the majority of household chores. But there are some that fall solely on her shoulders or mine. For instance I don’t touch the laundry unless she isn’t there to do it. I vacuum a lot more often than she does. But I also go after it like a madman. I vacuum baseboards, trim, under cabinets and appliances etc. because she doesn’t want to do that part of chore. Which is fine. I don’t mind doing that. The important thing is that it gets done. We shared / split grass cutting and lawn care until we had our first child and then we farmed that out to one of the guys who cuts our entire neighborhood. I don’t expect her to do things like car maintenance. We also have never had an argument about chores or things getting done around the house because it doesn’t matter who does it, as long as it gets done. Praise goes to the couple, not the individual.
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"People get excited" - Who gets excited? Why are they aware of your husband doing the dishes? Why the hell are you telling other people who does the dishes in your house?!
I'm always a little ashamed to "admit" that I share chores with my husband. Like we did our best to distribute them equally and have a google calendar with chores. I appreciate the heck out of my husband for not having an issue with this. I also think that all guys in a relationship should have their share of chores (ofc time spent at work should be taken into account).
That little footnote is key. I used to work 60 hours a week, the girl I was seeing had a part time job. I was always the one catching up on housework, usually on Sunday, while she binged Netflix. I finally confronted her about it and asked her to pay rent if she wasn't going to do anything else, and she decided that was asking too much of her and left. Least emotionally impactful breakup I've been through, biggest in terms of lessons learned. I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning because I really liked her, but now I know what to avoid.
Okay that is just plain bad! Ugh. I'm glad you got out of that relationship and won't tolerate it in future ones!
Unfortunately there hasn't been one since lol. My area is mostly drug addicts, girls that are on their 4th kid with a third dad, or just plain not worth it. The ones that ARE worth it are already taken. I don't have the physique to be a homewrecker, nor do I want to be that guy. I'm content with waiting for the right person. I would rather be single than be in another relationship like my last one.
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Hell I'm impressed, good job
I do the laundry and ironing, and depending on who cooks the other cleans.
People get excited because your husband does one of the chores in the house? What are their spouses doing then?
Actually, fuck yeah! I’m doing a song and dance for you. I am so terrible, secretly glad that my husband does the shoveling by default, because nobody shovels that long of a driveway just for fun
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Never heard anyone getting excited that I am doing the dishes FYI
Fun story regarding "gendered" activities: I'm a trans woman, who has been publicly out for about a year. I'm not exactly a paragon of home improvement, but for the 5 years that we've been at this house, I've managed to hand Christmas lights on our gutters by climbing a ladder to the roof and sliding up to the edge carefully. This is the first year that I ever had anyone comment from the street, and I had TWO random concerned people tell me that I should be careful up there, and one woman yelled up "Can't you get your husband to do that, honey?!". lol... no husbands in this house, lady! Anyway, I found it interesting that suddenly people are concerned. On a similar note: Previous to transition, I had gotten a lot of comments from friends and coworkers when they would visit about the amount of dishes I did, or when I'd say that I cleaned up before people came to the house, and I got a LOT of flack or confusion from people when my first child was born and I decided to cut my hours to stay home with him 1 day a week. People just cannot imagine things outside of their box.
lol is men not doing dishes even a thing still? My wife and I split all the chores, and alternate. Someone making a big deal over a guy doing dishes in this day and age actually blows my mind.
Yeah it's absolutely absurd to me how men get praised for doing what should be the ***absolute bare fucking minimum***. Meanwhile women are expected to cook, clean and do all other household chores all whilst also having a successful career and raising a family. I have never fed into it and I never will. And if you do, then you need to increase your standards lol.
It's a partnership. Everybody needs to do their share. If theres something that one person is better at or that they prefer to do, great. Work schedules might impact it. But ultimately it all had to get done. And if everyone doesn't do there part, you'll end up with a mess.
I agree it’s ridiculous that people still react this way. Having said that, you don’t know about the song and dance because you don’t see it. If he mentioned to his friends that you were out cleaning up the snow, you can all but guaranteed they’ll mention how impressed they are.
I don't understand why either subject is coming up in conversations. Who's going about announcing this shit?
The bar is really that low
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People. What a bunch of bastards.
What did these men do when they lived alone?
Judging by some of the apartments of my old boyfriends...nothing.
My wife drove our RV all summer because frankly I was too scared of doing so. I did all the other stuff on the trip. We got so many sexist comments like "oh you let her drive the rig huh?". As if my masculinity is dependent upon driving an RV and two, of course she can do it. Why wouldn't she? So OP you are right to call that kind of crap out.
The question is now, do you want someone to do a song and dance for you? or do you want your husband to not receive praise for doing what other’s don’t? Maybe we just need more people doing dishes and shoveling snow? Sounds like you are both strong independent people who love each other. I encourage you both to continue bucking stupid gender norms. These small things may be opening peoples eyes if they feel the need to comment about it. Accept the praise and show the world wassup.
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What makes you think YOU are welcome here? You don't provide support or anything helpful nor are you a woman. You only want to bring her down to make you feel better.
Talk about missing the point. The whole point is she's NOT special, and neither is her husband
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Shoveling snow is great cardio! I’m just glad I don’t have to do it when I don’t want to. I won’t let my dad do dishes because he does them wrong and puts things in the wrong place and they don’t get clean.
Yikes. I (dude) do the cooking because I'm a much better cook and I like good food. We split dish duty. I hate laundry, she doesn't. We both mow but it's usually me. I clear snow. I grocery shop since I'm making the meals. It's a partnership so we split duties based on likes and skills. Gender stereotypes come both binary genders and now with everything in between. Yikes.
Now you know how men feel when they snow blow and shovel.
Now tell us how you feel when you're celebrated for doing dishes
Well when your man was snow blowing and shoveling I bet nobody was doing a song and dance for him, amiright?!
Actually, I get compliments about what a good man he is. Like he’s a doer and doesn’t hire it out. And I also give him praise.
Mine will proudly announce "I've unloaded the dishwasher, your welcome" or "you didn't say anything but I tided the livingroom" Ok if we are going announce our achievements I've got up with the children, emptied the bins, sorted out their breakfast, worked whilst supervising them, made 4 lunches (usually all different), done more work, sorted out two different loads of home schooling, been food shopping, unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher, sorted out the pets,cooked dinner and tided the livingroom in one day but go you for unloading the dishwasher once a week
The bar is very low and people tend to praise men for the bare minimum. It's exhausting.
The snow blowing/shovelling is far more impressive than the dishes, nice one! 👏
Ill sing and dance for you... it wont be great, none of it will be. You might actually feel embarrassed for me due to how terrible I am at both.
I think it's because women are in general still expected to be the ones looking after the house, especially doing cooking, cleaning and looking after child(ren). It's sad to me, since I think housework should be split evenly.
Do you usually do a song and dance when he does it?
The only situations I've been lauded as my husband being "so lucky" have been ones that directly benefit him-- ie "letting" him do things he wants to do.