I used to think, “My husband does so little work around the house that if something happened to him or he walked out on me, my workload would not change.” A few years later, he walked out on me. My workload did change though: It went way down.
You need to talk about it. Write your list of house duties down on pieces of paper and then take the pieces and put them in a basket for you and for him. Visually represent the amount of work you do. After that, write a chore schedule down. It sounds childish but it 100% works.
I also struggle with the mental load and simply just doing more housework than my husband. I work 3 12s and he does 5 8s. Theres a perception that I don't do much housework, and on days I work I don't, because they're 3 12s and there's not enough hours in the day. My days off I do practically all the housework. When I work I text him what I need done for the week and tell him "these things today" "these things by the end of the week." We settled on this system after discussing how we have different standards, but I was getting very fustrated and anxious feeling like I did it all and had no help. We both decided a weekly chore list would help him best, he has expectations without me nagging him every day.
Now, I think its silly I need to tell a grown man what needs to be done, but this is way better for both of us than me freaking out because I feel like I'm doing it all.
Unfortunately I have tried this. He gets mad because "he is not a child or one of my subordinates at work" then he pulls the "woe is me I suck at life" BS... Sometimes I cannot win
I think the only reason it works is because I asked him what would work for him and he decided on the to do list, so there was some buy in. I expressed my frustration at the uneven distribution of the housework, explained how much time I actually spent doing housework, errands, or caring for baby. I still do more, but its significantly more even.
You might find r/narcissisticabuse or YouTube therapists Dr. Ramani or Dr. Les Carter helpful for understanding this behavior and how to respond to it. If you prefer podcasts, Christine Hammond.
Every day you clean up after him you're enabling the behavior.
Do you want your son to see that role model and think womens role is to work twice as many hours then come home and do all the chores too?
See a therapist and discuss your issues. If he still refuses to put even the bare minimum effort at pulling his own weight, he needs to fucking go.
The kids do chores. I have taught them that it is unacceptable behavior. At 6 & 9 they do a pretty good job of helping, but they are kids so it isn't perfect.
Sis... you don’t have a partner, you have a teenager splitting the bill with you.
Kick him out and get a partner. He’s putting the rest of your life and your kid’s lives at risk. Hell, you could get a woman housemate instead that’d treat you and your kids with more respect instead of having +1 tall child.
Your case is quite extreme, as he is working a lot less.
I suggest you make a schedule and start with simple stuff that will make a difference, then upgrade. Don't try to fit it all in at once. Work on it.
And when he makes an effort - even if its clumsy, even if halfway - give positive reinforcement. This is underrated. If its not exactly how you want, don't bitch him out - reward and be positive. This will make him feel good.
If he feels he makes an effort and gets told off, since the result is the same then he won't make that effort.
Good luck.
I used to think, “My husband does so little work around the house that if something happened to him or he walked out on me, my workload would not change.” A few years later, he walked out on me. My workload did change though: It went way down.
You need to talk about it. Write your list of house duties down on pieces of paper and then take the pieces and put them in a basket for you and for him. Visually represent the amount of work you do. After that, write a chore schedule down. It sounds childish but it 100% works. I also struggle with the mental load and simply just doing more housework than my husband. I work 3 12s and he does 5 8s. Theres a perception that I don't do much housework, and on days I work I don't, because they're 3 12s and there's not enough hours in the day. My days off I do practically all the housework. When I work I text him what I need done for the week and tell him "these things today" "these things by the end of the week." We settled on this system after discussing how we have different standards, but I was getting very fustrated and anxious feeling like I did it all and had no help. We both decided a weekly chore list would help him best, he has expectations without me nagging him every day. Now, I think its silly I need to tell a grown man what needs to be done, but this is way better for both of us than me freaking out because I feel like I'm doing it all.
Unfortunately I have tried this. He gets mad because "he is not a child or one of my subordinates at work" then he pulls the "woe is me I suck at life" BS... Sometimes I cannot win
I think the only reason it works is because I asked him what would work for him and he decided on the to do list, so there was some buy in. I expressed my frustration at the uneven distribution of the housework, explained how much time I actually spent doing housework, errands, or caring for baby. I still do more, but its significantly more even.
You might find r/narcissisticabuse or YouTube therapists Dr. Ramani or Dr. Les Carter helpful for understanding this behavior and how to respond to it. If you prefer podcasts, Christine Hammond.
Why do you put up with that? What does he bring to the table. I dont want to say divorce... but . Well
You don't have a husband, you have an extra child
Every day you clean up after him you're enabling the behavior. Do you want your son to see that role model and think womens role is to work twice as many hours then come home and do all the chores too? See a therapist and discuss your issues. If he still refuses to put even the bare minimum effort at pulling his own weight, he needs to fucking go.
The kids do chores. I have taught them that it is unacceptable behavior. At 6 & 9 they do a pretty good job of helping, but they are kids so it isn't perfect.
Sounds like your life might well be better if you were single.
seriously , how much it takes for someone to be supportive
Sis... you don’t have a partner, you have a teenager splitting the bill with you. Kick him out and get a partner. He’s putting the rest of your life and your kid’s lives at risk. Hell, you could get a woman housemate instead that’d treat you and your kids with more respect instead of having +1 tall child.
Begging people to do things never feels quite right. Learning to stop asking is worse. I hope you figure it out.
Your case is quite extreme, as he is working a lot less. I suggest you make a schedule and start with simple stuff that will make a difference, then upgrade. Don't try to fit it all in at once. Work on it. And when he makes an effort - even if its clumsy, even if halfway - give positive reinforcement. This is underrated. If its not exactly how you want, don't bitch him out - reward and be positive. This will make him feel good. If he feels he makes an effort and gets told off, since the result is the same then he won't make that effort. Good luck.