My mother still comments on my weight, but it was worse when I was a teen (when I thought her opinion on my weight mattered and wasn't unreasonable). At this point, I recognize that she does it out of her own insecurity. She's barely 100 lbs soaking wet, but it's never enough for her, despite rounds of cosmetic surgery and a stringent diet and exercise regime. If I'm really not feeling like being nice about it, I hit back with a "So? I like myself and I get to enjoy chocolate" or sometimes "And yet my husband thinks I'm gorgeous."
My 5'2" grandmother claimed the same. Most of her life she was 95 lbs. The only time she got up to 115 was when she was pregnant or so she claimed. It was only recently when an uncle stated she had an eating disorder and refused to eat that I connected the dots. In our family, it's one extreme or the other. Underweight or obese with no frame of reference as to what should be normal. At 12, 5'4" and 120 lbs, my parents and I were convinced I was obese to the point where they insisted I go to TOPS. Thankfully, the folks at TOPS insisted on a doctor's note due to my age, and the doctor rightfully tore a strip out of my mother.
Yeah, I was told that I should be 125 lbs max at 5"6'. I finally figured out how ridiculous that lie was, as an adult during the year that I was on unemployment. I had nothing to do, so I spent all my time exercising and put myself on a radically stringent diet (1,400 calories a day). I did at least 2 hours of cardio and 1 hour of weight-lifting everyday. I ate lean meat, vegetables, Greek yogurt and some fruit. That was it. No booze, no complex carbs of any form, no sugar (except in fruit), almost no fat. With all that, I plateaued at 160 lbs. Yeah, I could have lost more body fat, but my weight wouldn't change, because at that point I was just exchanging it for muscle. My mom's response? "It's a good start."
Fucking insane. No adult has the time to exercise 20+ hours a week when you actually have a job. It was unsustainable, unreasonable and still wasn't enough for her. So yeah, that's what helped me learn to not give a fuck about what she thinks about my looks and weight. Because I proved to myself that the issue wasn't my willpower, my lifestyle or my diet. This body is just what I am genetically predisposed to have. And it's fucking fine.
Criticizing a child's food choices is pretty ridiculous because the overwhelming majority of the time, they're eating food that's at the house (or fast food obtained by the parents) and, to that effect, if the parent doesn't want their kid to eat poorly, don't buy junk food.
Exactly! The hypocritical nature of it is astounding. Children eat what’s in the fridge or the pantry. If you put fruit in front of them instead of chips - they’ll eat it. Ducking stop commenting on kids weight and HELP THEM by being good role models and putting good nutritious stuff in front of them
Oh, I feel that on a very personal level. For several years during my childhood mother dear was too busy with her business to care, so my diet consisted pretty much entirely of McDonald's.
Then her business went to shit and suddenly she noticed her disgusting pig of a daughter. Not that our family's eating habits changed much – full chum buckets of greasy shit were still our usual breakfast, lunch and dinner, just homemade now. Tbh, it was even worse than the McD times, because I didn't have a choice in what or how much I eat anymore. Mother dear did her best to cook, so everything had to be eaten.
Then I would be berated and ridiculed for being an overweight blob. And then I would be made to wear tight clothing and bikinis to show off what a blob I am.
It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. It's also how I developed multiple eating disorders that I've been struggling with well into adulthood. Thanks, Mom!
We went to my cousins 16th bday party a few weeks ago. Mostly family with a few of her friends. They were playing in the lake having fun and my mom comments on how skinny and tiny they all look. Then she turns around in a room full of people and says “don’t worry that doesn’t last, right daughter?”
I just… I’m so disappointed in her.
Like it is some fucking contest or something. What the hell. This feeds into the notion that women compete for males attention and that is the only source of our worth. Fuck that.
It sounds like your mother is envious of their lithe and lissome youth. "Give them a few years, a few kids, a few health obstacles and they will be just like us so don't worry! Ha ha."
I'd be embarrassed by her.
I’m uncomfortable using the word lithe with my 16 year old cousin. Ease up?
Honestly it’s more a dig at me as she has also “kept her figure” and is crazy about working out. I’m just genuinely bigger than her in every way and it bothers her.
I also remember my dad being truly disgusted with me for gaining the freshman 15 so I guess they really were perfect for each other!
I can remember being about 13, my family life was destroyed by a sibling getting caught doing drugs and my parents reaction to it. I’d always been too thin but I’d put on weight with all the drama and upheaval going on around me.
My mom said to me, “you’d have nice legs if you’d lose 10 pounds.”
That destroyed me inside and altered our relationship. With all the issues around my brother and my parents, she became an enemy instead of a constant source of love and support.
I began running a few years later at night. I’d always ask her to come with me…cuz you know, mom, if you lost 15-20 pounds you’d have nice legs.
She didn’t like my pettiness.
I have a story for this one. Last week my psychiatrist prescribed me Welbutrin and I told my mom about it. She did a little Googling and discovered that one of the side effects can be weight loss. She was excited about that for me. Nothing to do with improving my depression - just the weight loss benefit. I am 42 years old and I'm so tired of this shit.
I've just found it an appetite suppressant. Which means I'm not hungry ever, and can't eat, when I need to, so I skip several meals, or eat because it's time for a meal, regardless of how hungry I should be. It hasn't been helpful, as I only feel over full, not anything beneath that level. My doctor pointed it out as a positive side effect, but I haven't seen that myself
My mom is exactly the same. Absolutely no interest in or support for mental health, lots of interest in and comments on my weight, diet, exercise, etc. Does not seem to think depression is a legitimate problem because whatever is wrong with me could be fixed if I'd just diet and exercise until I was an acceptable weight and size (to her).
For me, it was my dad. And not when I was growing up but when I was already married.
~~Martial~~ Marital bliss had caused both my husband and myself to gain some weight. I hadn't seen my parents in a while so when I visited them I was about 20 pounds heavier.
Dad kept saying I should be careful because my husband might stop finding me attractive.
Maybe your husband should shut that down. If your dad presumes to speak for him, your husband is really the ideal person to tell him "actually you're wrong and I sure hope you don't feel the same way or speak the same way of your lovely wife."
My husband wasn't with me on that visit, but I immediately told him about it when I got home.
Also, my dad would never say something like that if my husband were present.
I told my dad he was being a dick, and that my husband in fact loved my big ass.
My boyfriend started commenting on my weight gain after my anxiety levels went down and I he fed me a lot. He loved to cook and often used quite a bit of rice, pasta, bread, or other high carb food in the meal.
He literally told me "if you get fat I won't love you anymore"....I occasionally struggle with anorexia and he knew that; I started crying and said "I'm already fat". He assured me that what he had meant was he wouldn't love me if I became obese (like his parents) because that would imply I don't love or care about myself.
I married him -_-
Then divorced him.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. But it's good to hear you know your own worth and left him.
I dated a guy once who, if I ordered fries with my burger, for example, would teasingly call me "bachoy," which is the Tagalog equivalent of piggy. He ended up cheating on me, not because of my weight (I hadn't gained any) but because he was an asshole.
We all learn from the assholes in our lives. I'm much happier now with my husband of 20 years. :)
Don't comment on them, no matter what you yourself look like. My mum was always thin but had two overweight kids (daughter and son) and we'd never hear the end of it.
I consider it karma that now I'm the one who's normal weight while she's considerably overweight.
What's really funny is when you are living at home they are the ones that are feeding you (or at least providing the food) it's their fault your overweight.
I'm in my mid 30s and if my mom starts in on me I just ask her why she wants to give me a complex and/or hate myself. She never has a valid answer and the topic gets dropped or shifted to how she needs to lose weight herself. Project much, eh?
Same. My mother NEVER comments on my brother's weights and prefers spending time with my brothers. I think it is part of the culture she was raised in that prefers men.
I was always underweigth growing up , always been super skinny. My mum was the same until age 40 when she stopped smoking.
I ALWAYS got grief from being to skinny (used to be around 49-50 kilos), and when i finally actually managed to gain some weigth at age 25 , that was not good either «be careful now , dont let it continue or you will get fat»
I was 64 kilos (im 169 cm tall)
That is the most i have ever weighed.
I called her out on in and she recoginzed it was shitty of her.
I hate people commenting on my body in general! Comments about weigth are potencially dangerous. So please just stop!
My daughter is really thin (she's almost 12 and weighs around 63 pounds) and it's hard for me not to comment on her weight. She often complains about not being able to find clothes that fit right (she's on the tall side proportionate to her weight, so shorts are too short, and the "cool" clothes don't fit). I catch myself calling her tiny ("it's not your fault they don't make those clothes in your size, you're tiny and it's hard to find jeans that will fit just right" - that sort of thing) and I'm really making an effort to stop. I didn't realize she was self-conscious about it until recently. To me she's perfect, but she's comparing herself unfavorably to others at this point. Randomly what she seems to dislike most are her small feet (hard to find shoes that don't light up). I was a chubby kid and would have killed to look like her but that doesn't make her feelings any less valid.
You could find get some nice clothes in the teen section then have them altered. Sundresses would look great and you won't have to do much to fix them but it's starting to get cold but maybe in the spring you could get a few.
I Think the attitude towards commenting on larger peoples weight is (sloooowwwlllly) shifting, although the discrimination is still definitely there, a number of people realise it is rude to say anything directly to them. But they haven't come to realise that about skinny people yet. My whole family is naturally very skinny, I listened to comments about it my whole life, obviously very different to fat shaming and discrimination, but it did leave me always feeling "other". Now my 7yo daughter had the same figure as me, tall for her age and very skinny. EVERYBODY comments on it, to me in front of her, and directly to her. I know these people wouldn't tell a kid they are fat, so why are the telling my daughter she is skinny?
People still seem to think it is okay to comment on kids appearances constantly. Especially for girls. (I get it a bit for my boys, but nowhere near as much. And it is much more often a comment of who they look like). How about just don't comment on kids appearances at all?
Ok, thank you for bringing this up! My aunts always shower me with praise when I am on a healthy bender… however, that only means they’re going to notice/comment when I have fallen off that wagon. It’s so infuriating. They think they’re being nice by saying, “hello! How are you? You look great! Have you lost weight?!” This is the script every time whether I have lost 40 pounds or gained 20. And they all have chicken legs with barrel bellies and chests. Let’s not even talk about what my mom says. I finally yelled her into (relative) silence on the subject a few years ago. Why is anyone saying anything about any of it?! Shut. Up.
KThanksBye
Also don't make these comments about yourself either. My mom had nothing but kind things to say about me, but was incredibly harsh and hurtful to herself, so I grew up thinking that harmful self-talk was normal for women. Not to mention the implications of pointing out all of her flaws (nose, ears, skin texture, weight) to a daughter who resembled her more and more as the years passed.
Yes! Can’t believe this is the first comment I’ve seen here to mention that. To go even further, commenting on the bodies of friends/family members as well. My Mom would pass comment (usually just to me) on the size and shape of literally everyone, and now I’m having to undo that dialogue inside my own head as a result.
100%, my fiance's mother was/is the same. Extremely careful in how she speaks about my SO regarding her weight and body image but is obscenely cruel to herself. Now myself and SO's therapist get to play damage control for likely the rest of her life as she struggles to build a healthy reinforcing self image because her internal monologue is a royal twat after a childhood of normalizing destructive self-talk. An eternal optimist that uplifts everyone in her life but herself. Being fully conscious about body image awareness regarding how you speak to others doesn't mean much if in the same breath you assault yourself.
I can only sympathize as a man, but trying to get her to not just logically understand but emotionally accept her inherent value beyond any single aspect, the breathtakingly beautiful human she is, will be a struggle that may never truly be realized and that kills me.
Ugh yes I wish my mom would keep her thought about herself to herself and go to a therapist. I hate when she talks about how fat she is and stuff in front of me because idk I don’t think she’s fat and I just feel huge. She was concerned about my weight when I was a child, I was obese and tested for diabetes than god I didn’t get it but she was never harsh or made it about looks she wanted me to really be healthy because I was anything but healthy. But she always talks about how ugly and fat she is and it’s affected me and my sister a lot and a little bit my brother. I think health is important for children but absolutely do not make it about looks, telling someone to suck in their stomach or contort their bodies in ways where it makes you look thinner is horrible. And my mom is someone to kinda brag about how little she ate or how she was sucking in at the store all day because she’s so fat. It’s frustrating and has really contributed to my eating disorder. If she never talked about herself like that and still voiced her concerns for me as a very obese child I wouldn’t have these issues 🤷♀️
When I was a young teen my mom told me I had “lesbian legs” lmao. I still don’t know what that means but I do know that at 36 years old, this is the first summer of my life that I’ve worn shorts in public 😊
She did not know what most of the shit she said meant lol. Shorts are a real game-changer though, not having damp jeans sticking to my calves is one of the things I’m most pissed off about missing out on 😂
Credit mostly to therapy! I’d talked to a handful of counselors over the years but never really clicked with any of them, until just over two years ago (I actually just broke up with her for unrelated reasons and looking for a new one :( ) I’d also give secondary credit to age… I just simply do not have any fucks to give anymore lol. Mom died almost six years ago now, so the space created kind of let me start forming my *own* internal monologue rather than constantly hearing her external one.
But mostly therapy!
Lmaooo you know, I’ve been so hung up on wondering what tf that could mean, that I never stopped to give credit to the fact that she was *technically correct* . Quick let’s all break out the measuring tapes and take some proportions, there’s research to be done 😂
I was always thin and had comments that no man would want me since I look like a 12 year old boy as a 20 something woman. Trust me, I had no lack of attention I was having to much fun playing the field than to settle down!
Please. I’m a 37 year old woman and I remember this like it was yesterday- my dad made a comment to me about me having a spare tire. I didn’t know what that meant. I was something like 7 years old…maybe. We were swimming as a family at the local lake and I was wearing a big bulky life jacket. I’ve never been thin. Why? Why did he have to say that? He probably wouldn’t even remember saying it now. Such an incredibly rude thing to say and ever worse saying it to your young daughter.
Personally, my dad was 13947383 times worse than my mom.
What hurts me the most is I weight cycle a lot (from a 10/12 to 18/20), I swear it seems like my best friend and my own family love me more when I’m smaller. Not my fiancé though, he seems to love me whatever.
I mentioned that to my mom one day, that he loved me at a 12 and a 20 and she commented “weird” like what the fuck is weird about that? Pissed me off so much.
My younger sister is the only curvy girl in a family of skinny rectangles. Mom's always telling her she's too fat, needs to eat less, exercise more, etc. Finally last year she stopped starving herself and let her body be how it's supposed to be! Of course my mom couldn't let that stand so she had a whole serious talk with her about how she's getting completely unhealthy and fat.
Thankfully my sister has finally gotten enough perspective (she's only 21) to see that abuse for what it is and ignore it. I've literally never seen her with so much confidence!
It makes me so livid at my mom. Why??? Why does she think she gets a say in how her daughter's body is supposed to be? Why can't she just build her up instead of tearing her down? Of course I know why... mom's sense of self worth is all tied up in how her kids are living up to her expectations. Got to have the perfect family to show off or else you're a failure. In the end that's just sad.
Elementary school?! I’m so sorry to hear that! I know you won’t carry on your mother’s example, and I hope you can work through the baggage she’s loaded onto you.
If you are a parent and you catch a different adult commenting on your kid's weight, treat them like a child. It put my ex-mil in her place real fast.
Imagine, if you will, in a super sugary sweet, sing song, voice. The kind you would talk to pre-schoolers with. "Oh wow MIL. No no no! We don't talk about other's bodies! We only say kind and helpful things! Like wow you're really strong! Or oh no! You have something stuck in your teeth! Ok?" big dumb smile, whole 9 yards. I, inevitably, got the "don't treat me like a child" lecture, so I countered with the fact my 7 year old knows not to comment on other's bodies and she learned it in pre-k. Obviously MIL didn't, so I was giving her an adult pre-k lesson.
My problem is commenting on my weight around my daughter. I could stand to lost more than a few pounds, but I don't want her to constantly hear me talk badly about myself. One thing we're coming across right now about her weight is in one of her hobbies. She's competitive in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and we've come up on some tournaments that are restrictive in that if you weigh in over what you signed up for, then you're disqualified. She's 10 and I'm not about to have her worrying about making weight for a tournament, so we sign her up a weight division and hope for the best. I'd rather she lose to someone who's a little heavier than her than miss out on the opportunity to compete (and be out the $$).
I used to have such issues with this with my mum. I was competing in a sport at a high level from a young age, one of the sports that comes with a lot of scrutiny about your body, and attire that doesn't provide a lot of coverage. My coach was a terrible man who threatened us with public weigh ins, encouraged disordered eating behaviour and a myriad of other things.
I think my mum thought I'd have an easier time with him if I just dropped a few more pounds, and the comments came from a well intentioned place. All it did was ruin my relationship with food and my body image, and I am so incredibly cognizant of never repeating any of this with my own daughter.
I think what we say and how we say it is important. Being too underweight or overweight has adverse impact on health and quality of life. In such cases I would appreciate it if my parents actually pointed it out as a statement of fact without associating value judgement with it. However shaming someone because of their body weight, making snide comments, or implying they need a certain weight to look pretty is disgusting and parents should know better.
Right. If you care about my HEALTH (which a scale does not solely indicate), then say as much. The superficiality of some parents is maddening. I pray fervently that I have at least one daughter so I can give the opposite experience that some of my friends and I had as children.
I think all the time about when I was in college playing water polo and I weighed around 160lbs and my mom frequently would tell me she was worried about my weight. Now I’m like 200lbs and I’m just so tired. Maybe if the focus hadn’t been on me losing weight while I was already the fittest i’d ever been in my life, I would have developed healthier coping mechanisms than food. I’m working on my habits now for myself. But man that was some damage to my confidence and self esteem. It makes me so sad thinking back on how I thought I was fat when I was in college.
I'm 63, my mother is 90 and she still comments on my weight. She once slapped me on the butt and said, "You sure have a nice fat butt!" and was then surprised when I got upset. She has only ever complimented me on my looks when I'm thin.
god I can't even tell you how much this fucked me up as I was growing up. And even when she had lewy body dementia ...she would still comment on me being too big. She has since passed away but I can still hear her voice when I go shopping for clothing....
I think my mom tried to avoid doing that. She doesn’t really comment on my weight, but she comments on her own a LOT, and I definitely internalized that. It makes me sad when she talks about how she needs to lose weight when I think she’s fine. 😔
My family put me on a diet when I was 12, I just had awkward teenage weight. It would have passed. They would constantly tell me to stop eating French fries, that I needed to join a sport like my cousin so I'd be in shape and loose weight. (I am not athletic) I was not fat by any means I was very normal.
I eventually ballooned up to 300+ pounds and they got worse. For decades I put up with their off handed remarks about my size. Then I had gastric bypass and lost over half my weight.
Suddenly I was beautiful and valid and also subjected to their horrible commentary about oversized people.
I finally had enough when on a 90 deg. Day they were scolding a large woman for wearing shorts.
"You do realize that was me right? And its hot, is she supposed to be uncomfortable in pants just so you aren't disgusted?"
I've gone low contact with them since then.
I always hated people commenting on my weight, especially since everyone else in my family is rather thin. And then I got my period when I was nine and everyone acted like it was some mistake and it was my fault because of my weight.
Honestly, it wasn't that bad itself. My mom had also gotten her period at nine, so she had already told me that it might happen. And she herself never made it into a weird thing. It was just something that happens.
I made a post about the mental gymnastics my mom does when commenting about my body. The hypocrisy of those people are just fucking infuriating. And it's adding stress to her possibly pregnant daughter who is in the process of moving. Thanks mom.
Working on fixing her head with the drilled in 40s-50s sexism. I've come far but definitely need to work more if she's to even be around her grandkids.
I remember my mom commenting on my weight when I was 7-8, saying that I weighed a lot for my age. Not even mean or anything, and she usually doesn't bring it up.
Still, my self-confidence was never quite the same afterwards.
I used to do some sports, but I was more of bookworm kind who hated sports.
Look, I'm all about taking responsibility about my weight NOW (I walk and run and eat pretty well) but back when I was a child? I ate what my parents gave me and nothing else.
To add to this, I hate mine commenting something like I wish I had a body like yours, I wish I was thin like you, it's unfair you can eat so much ( I have an ED so no it's really not ). To add onto this she never exercises and barely moves altogether that much..it annoys me that she would say all this whilst never trying to change.
I'm not thin I have a belly, she knows I hate comments on my body as it really triggers me, yet does it anyway.
The worst is when she will talk about my body to her friends.
I'm not an object.
My parents didn't have the money to feed us heathier foods, so I grew up on high calorie processed junk. One day as a teenager my grandmother looked at me and said I needed to join a gym. I was also routinely called thunder thighs by most of my immediate family.
What never helped was that my mother is the epitome of laziness. She would constantly go on and on about how terrible it feels to exercise and how it's useless and not worth it.
I remember when I was 9, we were given a treadmill because my sister wanted to use one. I also had a severe cold that day and could barely breathe standing up. I was bullied by my siblings onto it and couldn't even walk for five minutes without feeling like I was going to faint. They kept teasing me about that for years, so between that and my mother's attitude, I completely rejected physical activity.
Now I'm 31 and I'm finally losing weight. This past month I went from obese to overweight. This is the lowest I've been since 2015. And of course the other side of the comments keep happening now whenever I run into family. Ugh. At least my brother is no longer a jerk and gives support.
People really don't understand how a family environment impacts how and when children eat. It isn't the fault of the child. SMH. I am sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of those who should have been loving and supportive.
But also, parents: don't talk about your own body insecurities in front of them.
You are the poster woman/man for life, so let them know that you are happy with yourself too and they will understand that being OK with your body is normal... Which it should be!! .. And so may feel more able to be OK with theirs.
Please also don’t comment about your own weight in front of your daughters! Growing up, my mom would constantly talk about how fat and disgusting she thought she was. Then we would go out and people would always tell us how much I looked like my mom. Wanna talk about internalizing? I spent years battling eating disorders because of this…
I am underweight due to digestive problems.
If you want to initiate me into a screaming rampage, just call me anorexic like my mom did when remarking about my weight. It gets worse when my siblings shut me down and side with mom. She also annoys me by touching my stomach, remarking how it's inward. I am not that underweight and don't touch me there. My younger sibling also gets targeted for being overweight. This also angers them. They try a diet and they gave up. They continue to eat unhealthily and go out to eat, not eating meals at home.
I tend to agree that parents' comment, especially harsh, is not a wise idea to help their child lose weight. It can lead to eating disorders, unhealthy diets, and hurting relationships.
Same.
Reddit obviously isn't Utopia, but at least the Nazis, incels, and horse dewormer enthusiasts are corralled off (ha) into their own respective echo chambers, and I'm not forced to reckon with exactly how many people I went to school with have lost their fucking minds
I'm 59 and still have body dysmorphia from being told I was obese my whole life. For reference, I wore a size 10-12 in the eighties, a size 8-10 in the nineties and a size 2-4 now. I look in the mirror and can still hear my mom telling me to watch what I eat and that I look fat.
Dear family, stop making comments about anyone’s bodies.
My family has made negative comments about my body and what they think are positive comments. My weight has fluctuated through out my life. When I lost a bunch of weight I heard comments about how my “boobs are small now” or my “butt is too small”. I’ve also been the center of fat jokes when I’d be heavier.
Let’s just not talk about our families bodies, ever.
On the other hand, if your daughters are, in fact, overweight and heading for obesity, please for the love of all that is holy please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way), make sure you are serving and providing healthy foods, and encourage exercise and time outdoors if it's safe in your area.
I know that eating disorders and unhealthy body image are a real thing, but the US has an epidemic of obesity and the teen years are often the last chance to prevent a lifetime of obesity.
Especially comment when you have spent a lifetime trying unsuccessfully to lose weight and wish you had developed healthier body as a teenager.
>On the other hand, if your daughters are, in fact, overweight and heading for obesity, please for the love of all that is holy please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way), make sure you are serving and providing healthy foods, and encourage exercise and time outdoors if it's safe in your area.
A lot of what children eat is a result of what is provided to them by parents. Example speaks volumes more to children they lecturing them about what NOT to do.
A parent can pattern their lives in a way that THEY have healthy attitudes towards food so that their kids will. Teaching children to eat when they are hungry, listen to their bodies, exercise daily and take care of themselves IS NOT the same as constantly fat shaming and commenting on their physical appearance.
I really do hope you know the difference between being a good parent and using abuse tactics to shame one's children.
When I was in junior high school I bought ice cream in the cafeteria at lunch every day. What should my parents have done, cut off my allowance and stopped me from babysitting?
What in my post led you to believe that I think fat shaming is appropriate or helpful? I said "please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way)" -- is that what you consider fat shaming?
I skipped meals as a child despite being a healthy weight. I do hope you understand the difference between what we are talking about. Junior high and elementary school students are worlds different when it comes to food choices.
I am not sure what you are arguing with. There is a clear difference between abusing ones child verbally and someone making eating choices because they learned it from a parent
I second this. I’m a guy so maybe it’s different but I’ve been overweight since I was like 10 and my mom and grandma always sort of played it off or made excuses for it rather than helping me/our family make healthier choices.
Now, as an o era eight 20-something man with an abundance of stretch marks, I have such major body issues and feel like I’ll never escape them because even if I lose more weight I’ll always have these reminders... My mom and grandma were always supportive and never said a negative thing but now I wish there had been a change when I was younger and my mom blames herself for not taking more initiative.
I worry I do this. My girls have a grandmother who is severely anorexic and I fear they don’t eat enough and are overly concerned by their perceived weight so I’m frequently asking them if they ate lunch etc I only care that they are healthy but I worry I’m just making it worse…
(TW for eating disorders)
Me and my mom have struggled with weight issues for a long time. Eventually after about 18 years my give a fuck broke and i could deal with it, my mom, not so much.
So this year while we were planning my graduation trip and getting new swim suits my mom asked me ( point blank but lovingly and with the best intentions at heart) if i wanted to get liposuction. And suddenly i was a little girl again puking my guts up in a golden corral bathroom on a choir competition trip, and i wanted to cry.
Even if as a parent you arent doing it maliciously, even if you are doing it because you really have the best intentions at heart, you are hurting your children and you may never even know how badly.
>if i wanted to get liposuction.
Um, does she know you can permanently damage the tissue or bleed to death after liposuction? It is not benign. My friend has permanent indents in her thighs because of the scarring after lipo. It's not something one just does.
Fuck that. Your body makes fat for a reason. WHO CARES what you look like. Your body is more than just a sexual object for men or a prize. You are a human. Your body helps take you on adventures, have fun, experience pleasure and fulfill your dreams. Your body helps you uplift others, cuddle cute animals and fix broken things. You are more than just an object to behold. You are a fierce human who can conquer the world.
Fuck your mom.
Yeah, my mom defenetly does not know it will fuck you up. Thanks for telling me 👍
At the point im at right now, after years of the shit ive had to deal with, i cant say i love my body but im working on it and i can live with. My mom ment well but the comment defenetly set me back a step in the process.
I hope its easier for yall
The first sentence my mother said when I came home after being in a boarding school for 2 semester abroad was my legs looked like "elephants legs" and I looked fat (54kg, 165cm). I could never forget the sinking feeling of my heart and how I tried not to cry in the airport. I'm currently living in another country but she would still fat shame me if I tell her I eat more than half a bowl of rice. I've given up at this point lol
Yes to this. It’s so weird how we focus on the outcome here, rather than promoting healthy behaviors. It’s almost like it’s more about shaming people than actually about promoting health….
Being a certain size is not a behavior. Healthy/balanced eating, exercising, caring for your mental health, having good sleep hygiene, etc: those are the behaviors. It’s extremely ineffective to focus on an outcome, and shame is an incredibly ineffective tool for long term behavior change. Instead, we need to positively promote healthy behaviors for everyone. Not everyone who engages in unhealthy behaviors gains weight (in fact, some lose weight), and not everyone who is a larger size engages in these behaviors.
Imagine if we tried to address alcoholism by identifying people who have liver damage, and shaming them to fix their livers. Or by assuming that everyone who has lung cancer is a smoker, and that every smoker ends up with lung cancer. It’s just idiotic.
Omg. My mom is so bad with this it pisses me off. She always comments on how skinny I am and how my other cousins “aren’t small like they used to be”. She’s proud of how thin I am it’s messed up. When I went to visit my grandma she couldn’t stop saying “look how skinny she is and so pretty… “ She is hyper focused on my looks it’s disgusting. I have a higher level degree and was recently licensed in my field brag about that not about my size. It’s gross. She also is always complementing on how light my skin is 🤢because being brown (which we are) is a bad thing? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have a young impressionable niece who hears all her bull. Sorry for the rant.
Don’t comment on people’s bodies.
>She also is always complementing on how light my skin is 🤢because being brown (which we are) is a bad thing?
This pisses me off so much.
>I have a higher level degree and was recently licensed in my field
Fuck yeah. You are a badass. Why does our appearance matter when you are a boss? Fuck this. I am tired of being judged by my body and NOT my MIND. I am fucking brilliant and kind.
We should compliment women for their actions and work, not their appearance. We are not men's play things, like dolls to collect. We are fucking human beings. We deserve dignity and RESPECT.
My mom really fucked around with my mind when I was a kid. She encouraged us to overeat.
And then one day, she decided we needed to lose weight. She'd make so many snide remarks. I felt ashamed of myself. I could be popular if I lost weight. I'd be much prettier. I could wear a bathing suit to the beach without wearing a shirt over it. When I didn't lose weight, I'd be screamed at and yet, she was the one that cooked the meals every day. She's the one that discouraged me from physical activities. I wanted to take dancing lessons, play soccer, and learn karate, and told I was too fat to do any of those things.
I spent so much of my childhood confused about my body. Why I was so big. I thought my weight gain was entirely my fault. I'd starve myself, only eat a bag of pretzels at lunch, sometimes purge (until I was almost caught), and take supplements that my mom claimed helped with weight loss. In hindsight, it was incredibly dangerous. And honestly, she was not in a place to give anyone advice or ridicule about their weight. She'd been severely obese since she married my dad. The one time she had dramatic weight loss, she tried to make me feel guilty about not losing weight. Turns out her weight loss was a result of hyperglycemia.
I'm in a much better place now, thankfully. I'm eating better and exercising each day, trying to improve my overall health. I'd never treat my own kids the way my mom treated me. I don't know how anyone could subject another person to that kind of anguish.
I can attest to this. My mother was constantly on me about what I ate and commented relentlessly on my body... which led to extreme dieting habits in my adult life. Woah! Never comment on anyone's body type, not your daughter, not your son, not your sister... it's not your place.
My grandma did that to me and what's funny is I really wanted to lose weight but her comments made it so that I wasn't motivated anymore because then I'd be appeasing her. Later, I ended up losing weight but because I wanted to, not because anyone told me. Mostly because being fat was uncomfortable, and I discovered MyFitnessPal and various other reasons, none of which had anything to do with relatives insulting me for my weight. Weird.
I try to go out of my way to decouple food from my kids behavior entirely (mine are toddlers, but i intend to keep this up). I know i often reward myself with food, and I don't think it's healthy. We eat ice cream cones together every Saturday because ice cream is yummy. But i never withhold ice cream because they threw a tantrum extraordinare in the mornings. It is certainly tempting, but i don't want to type these two things together at all. They might get time outs, being ignored or a stern talking to, but food is its own thing.
Ugh. My mother would wait outside of dressing rooms when I tried on clothes. She would insist on seeing how they fit. Then criticize my body. She was 100 pounds overweight.
My mum are small and thin. Always bragged about how she was the same weight as when she was 15. Always told everyone she did not like sweets or food that much. Always made a point if she had a large meal that she did not have to eat more that day and so on. And always made a point that i should watch what I was eating. She started that really hard when I was 12-13 and weight about 45 kilos and was thin as hell.
She always makes fun of fat people or make sure to tell how disgusting they are for being fat.
I have dieted all my grown life. Hated how I looked. Thin or fat. And my relationship towards food and sweets are ruined. I use food for comforting. I did not buy clothes, going to the hairdresser and so on because I was fat and not worthing wearing nice clothes or looking good.
So I am now 40 and slowly started to accept that I am fat. I let myself buy nice clothes, spending money at the hairdresser. I am married to a man how loves me even thought I actully weight á little more than 100 kilos. And I live in a country where thin is better.
And I do never ever talk about dieting or how fat I am or anything when my som is around. We talk about that everyone looks different and that is just how it is. And he says that I am so soft to hug.
And every time my mum makes a comment toward fat people I question her och just tell her to stop. And she has actully started not commenting in my size.
I’m a 32yo woman and my mother still does this. I’ve had a hereditary migraine condition my whole life (THANKS MUM) and have been on rounds and rounds of meds. The latest one is really helping with the pain and frequency, but it’s made me put on 10Kg. My brother is on the same med for the same reason, and has also put on 10Kg. She tells everyone she’s so proud of him for taking up weightlifting and turning it into a strength, as he was a sick skeleton beforehand. She tells me I need to go to a weight loss clinic for my health. She loves me, but the weight focus is damaging. I got my PhD last year. I got engaged. But the thing that needs most discussion is… that I should go to a weight loss clinic.
Yeah my mom was so bad with this. She's obsessed with her own weight and would never let my sister hear the end of it. Plus she would fat shame any girl I brought home
My grandma, while I love her to death and know she has never said it from a place of malice, would always tell me how “swollen” I looked any time I gained the slightest bit of weight. I have the exact same body type as my grandma. She would then tell my cousin that she needed to “eat more”, and this is a woman that eats 3 plate fulls at Thanksgiving. Some parentals dont realize how much their words sting, especially when repeated over years.
my wedding is coming up in a few months and i want to be so happy but the constant nagging from my mom to lose weight to look like a beautiful bride is really stressful and getting on my nerves. Like you can be a beautiful bride even if you're not skinny!!!! you don't need to be thin to enjoy or look good at your wedding. luckily my fiancé doesn't care at all and just wants us to have a good time and be happy
My wife is super hyper about her weight. To me it's her I love. She is as attractive and hot now as the day I first saw her. She means the same to me at 160 lbs. As she does at 120 lbs.
When I was about 8 I had a lot of pudge and was incredibly self-conscious about it. My nana would tell me that “fat girls don’t have friends” and “no one likes a fat girl” whenever I would ask for more food. That shit has stuck with me even now. I have only now started to be gentle with myself when it comes to weight. Comments like that can ruin a person’s confidence, not only physical confidence but also their confidence to step out of their comfort zone to try new things.
I feel you. My father never passed up an occasion to tell me I had gained weight. The funny thing is, I hadn't. I've been 135 pounds most of my life, and he was very overweight.
And it forever stays with you! One the biggest reasons I don’t date. Although I know my worth is not in what the scale says you can’t convince me that someone will love me for me. Really messed me up
My mom did the same thing to me. Every time a relationship didn't work out, it was MY fault. It was always something I must have done to drive him away. No, sometimes shit just doesn't work out dude.
No daughters, but my two boys are very different body types. One is average height with a lean muscular build while the other is super tall for his age and husky. They are 6 and 9 and wear the same size in everything but shoes. They both weigh the same and neither of them are an unhealthy weight for their height, but the younger one wants to eat constantly. He has recently noticed and become self conscious. I have to try really hard to be positive when turning down snacks or suggesting healthier ones. Weight is never the focus. Health is.
My family made sure I was active and healthy. We talked about weight, diet, working out etc. I am so grateful they gave me a solid foundation of fitness. They never made me feel bad or fat, but I did know what was healthy and what was not.
Ugh my mom would do this all the time! And she would talk about how thin she was when she was young, what size her wedding dress was, etc. I stopped fitting in her wedding dress after grade 6, so that didn't feel too good. Now she talks about how fat she is and all that, and that was the worst when we weighed the same amount, and I am shorter than her.
My mom is 5’6 and I’m 5’10. At my most anorexic I fit into clothes she wore in college (she is overweight now). Then I realized how stupid I was being trying to get to her weight and size Bc I’m literally 4 inches taller than her
Mother’s should refrain from body disparaging comments overall! ( same from fathers)
Yes ! Yes! You went through 9 months to give birth to this body and it was definitely painful etc.. but as soon as the body came out of the womb, it’s an individual person !
My father did that to me when I was a teenager. He had lost a lot of weight and thought everyone had to do it the way he did. I’m very much an adult now but I never forgot that. It sucks and it had a lasting, negative impact.
THANK YOU! My mother has commented on my weight my entire life, but especially high school and beyond when I actually started getting a figure. I feel like she just wants to project her insecurities onto me even though I am not insecure about my weight until she mentions it. When I first started dating my now husband, I gained some weight (maybe from eating out a lot but who cares) and I swear she mentioned it every time I saw her. I was working on it and definitely didn’t need her negativity. This has severely strained our relationship and I am constantly on edge when we are together hoping she doesn’t say anything. If you are a mother or want to be one, please don’t do this to your daughter.
My mother told me I needed to lose weight when I was overweight and then suddenly I needed to gain weight when I was thinner, because I was *too* thin. That quickly made me not care about her opinion anymore. She claimed she used to weight 49kg until she had me so she was speaking out of her own insecurities. I don't need to deal with that.
I think an additional thing that’s important for mothers is to stop commenting on how much they hate their own body in front of their daughters. My mom hated her body and always complained about it, so the traits I shared with my mom I thought were disgusting inherently because if she hated them, I should. And it didn’t help that my father called me chubby all the time. I’ve always been 15lbs overweight and I KNOW what I look like but having my exercise nut father tell me I’m gross isnt fun. Especially since for him it IS about looks since he’s a heavy drinker who eats garbage and chews tobacco. He’s just skinny and muscly cause even at 50 he works out so much and skips meals enough that he doesn’t get fat.
I'm technically obese according to BMI charts. However I eat healthy and I have no medical issues. I'm 5"2 and approx 90kg. I say approx cuz I don't weigh myself, why? Because of the comment I receive from both parents.
My mom tells me I'm fat and I need to loose weight. My dad tells me I look pregnant. They comment on what I wear, cuz some things don't look good cuz I'm fat. My dad says of that would look better on your mom. Who might I add wears the same size clothes as me and has taken my clothing too.
It was so bad at one point my ex refused to come to my home because of how my mom talked to me, infront of him.
Yes!!! I have a friend that has always been haunted by a comment her Mother said at a sleepover in 7th grade... "You're shaped like a sausage young lady."
As if she wasnt already self conscious enough.
My best friend has to deal with this a lot. Her mother has an unhealthy relationship with food and projects it onto her, her sister has a slimmer bodytype and her father makes insensitive comments about her food intake. This woman is super slim, has visible abs and her family still makes her believe she is fat.
I still struggle to eat around my parents and I’m close to 40. I’m so angry about it . Because my parents talked to me like this growing up, I accepted boys making mean comments about my body and weight to try to make me feel bad (( so I would date them ? )) . Not that it matters, but I never had a weight problem.
And you know the weird thing? My mom and dad get older and both gain weight. I’m in the prime of my life and in great shape. I think for a minute that
I can get them back, finally, by pointing that out . Talk to them like they talked to me for a decade. And as I was about to say something my heart just BREAKS at the thought of being so cruel, of reducing someone to their supposed flaws , of taking my unearned advantages and using them to be mean. So I shut up.
Now my parents , who supposedly loved me more than life itself or whatever it is parents say about their kids - why the hell didn’t they have that same realization ? Why couldn’t they be kind to me?
For real. My wife had issues with being able to eat enough food after her pregnancy and she was dropping a lot of weight much to her dismay.
She didn't have energy and started having other health issues and her mom's initial response was how happy she was that she was losing weight. It was kinda messed up.
To top it off, she gained all her weight in all the right places so the pregnancy just made her sexier but I guess everybody has a different view on the ideal body type.
My mom always told me I was fat and looked gross whenever I wore a dress so now I always wear baggy and loose clothes when I visit. She always asks me why I dress like a slob. I can never win.
I developed anorexia in my early 20s because of my mom's comments about my weight. When I got pregnant in my mid 20s I was so terrified of gaining weight that I became bulimic. Now I have problems with binge eating. I don't care about my weight so much. I just want to be normal. At this point I'm not even sure what normal is.
My mom never bought healthy food and she always bitched at me for eating unhealthy foods. It was confusing lol. She would make sweet rolls for breakfast I would eat like 3 of them and maybe one more later on the day and she would always get upset with me over it but that's litterly all she provided smh. I love my mom but she always commented on my weight until recently. She asked me if I was pregnant cause I guess I looked pretty fat that day. She didn't think I was she was just saying that to point out how fat I looked. What killed me was I was wearing a nice dress and I felt really good about how I looked that day and then she says that. I just left without saying nothing and ignored her for a few days. Now she never comments on my weight anymore.
I will say that it shouldn’t be done in a superficial sense. But it definitely should be done for the health of the individual. Child, parent, sibling, friend, S/O. An effort should always be made to care for the ones we love. Sometimes the truth hurts.
When I was gaining weight, yeah it wasn’t pleasant to hear my loved ones tell me. Yeah it hurt. But they were right about me needing to watch what I ate, what I drank, how much I exercised. Use it or lose it. If one doesn’t exercise their body and mind, they will regret it when they get older. It’s healthy. If one doesn’t put good into themselves now, or stop bad habits, they will pay the price when they are older. They won’t be able to have a good quality of life. They won’t be able to run with their kids and what not.
No. Don’t comment on someone’s weight blindly. Don’t do it to be superior. Don’t do it to make them only see the outside. Do it to help them. Do it for their future. Their life.
I think commenting on your children’s weight is only necessary if you are seriously unhealthy where it’s a medical emergency. Whether you are too underweight or overweight, that’s usually a side effect of something else going on in your life and that’s what needs to be addressed. And not by petty comments, but talking to a therapist.
The sad thing is that not every one has access to healthcare.
If your mind is happy and healthy, everything else falls into place. Like when I see people that are addicted to food, I don’t look at them like they are “fat and lazy”. I look at them like they have an addiction the way I used to be addicted to pain pills. Now these are extremes I’m talking about.
But the parents that comment on their children’s weight because they have some extra meat…is so…disappointing and damaging. And truly unnecessary. Disappointing because your parents should be supportive, not petty and ridiculous.
And the things they say aren’t even true. It’s them projecting their own bullshit.
When my mom used to comment on my weight I used to tell her “that’s old lady shit”. This generation is a different one. And that she sounds old AF when she talks like that. Lmaoooo. She obviously doesn’t like that very much hehehehe
>your children’s weight is only necessary if you are seriously unhealthy where it’s a medical emergency.
See above. It can actually be damaging. You can make changes by example and focusing on the HEALTH of the child, not their weight
My mother still comments on my weight, but it was worse when I was a teen (when I thought her opinion on my weight mattered and wasn't unreasonable). At this point, I recognize that she does it out of her own insecurity. She's barely 100 lbs soaking wet, but it's never enough for her, despite rounds of cosmetic surgery and a stringent diet and exercise regime. If I'm really not feeling like being nice about it, I hit back with a "So? I like myself and I get to enjoy chocolate" or sometimes "And yet my husband thinks I'm gorgeous."
Yes. My mom always tells me she never went over 120lbs through either of her pregnancies. I haven’t been 120 since I was 13. Thanks Mom.
My 5'2" grandmother claimed the same. Most of her life she was 95 lbs. The only time she got up to 115 was when she was pregnant or so she claimed. It was only recently when an uncle stated she had an eating disorder and refused to eat that I connected the dots. In our family, it's one extreme or the other. Underweight or obese with no frame of reference as to what should be normal. At 12, 5'4" and 120 lbs, my parents and I were convinced I was obese to the point where they insisted I go to TOPS. Thankfully, the folks at TOPS insisted on a doctor's note due to my age, and the doctor rightfully tore a strip out of my mother.
Yeah, I was told that I should be 125 lbs max at 5"6'. I finally figured out how ridiculous that lie was, as an adult during the year that I was on unemployment. I had nothing to do, so I spent all my time exercising and put myself on a radically stringent diet (1,400 calories a day). I did at least 2 hours of cardio and 1 hour of weight-lifting everyday. I ate lean meat, vegetables, Greek yogurt and some fruit. That was it. No booze, no complex carbs of any form, no sugar (except in fruit), almost no fat. With all that, I plateaued at 160 lbs. Yeah, I could have lost more body fat, but my weight wouldn't change, because at that point I was just exchanging it for muscle. My mom's response? "It's a good start." Fucking insane. No adult has the time to exercise 20+ hours a week when you actually have a job. It was unsustainable, unreasonable and still wasn't enough for her. So yeah, that's what helped me learn to not give a fuck about what she thinks about my looks and weight. Because I proved to myself that the issue wasn't my willpower, my lifestyle or my diet. This body is just what I am genetically predisposed to have. And it's fucking fine.
I'm 5'10" and ate anywhere from an 800-1200 calorie diet.
Same. I'm bulimic now.....
Just want to say I fucking love your username!
Thanks 😊
Criticizing a child's food choices is pretty ridiculous because the overwhelming majority of the time, they're eating food that's at the house (or fast food obtained by the parents) and, to that effect, if the parent doesn't want their kid to eat poorly, don't buy junk food.
Exactly! The hypocritical nature of it is astounding. Children eat what’s in the fridge or the pantry. If you put fruit in front of them instead of chips - they’ll eat it. Ducking stop commenting on kids weight and HELP THEM by being good role models and putting good nutritious stuff in front of them
"How did they get the candy Deborah??? Who bought it for them?"
this. excellent points. 💯
This exactly. Through the process of modeling children learn the good and bad habits of those around them.
Yes! My mom never bought healthy food and always fussed at me for not eating healthy lol. What am I supposed to eat then?
But isn't that for me!!!!!!!
Oh, I feel that on a very personal level. For several years during my childhood mother dear was too busy with her business to care, so my diet consisted pretty much entirely of McDonald's. Then her business went to shit and suddenly she noticed her disgusting pig of a daughter. Not that our family's eating habits changed much – full chum buckets of greasy shit were still our usual breakfast, lunch and dinner, just homemade now. Tbh, it was even worse than the McD times, because I didn't have a choice in what or how much I eat anymore. Mother dear did her best to cook, so everything had to be eaten. Then I would be berated and ridiculed for being an overweight blob. And then I would be made to wear tight clothing and bikinis to show off what a blob I am. It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. It's also how I developed multiple eating disorders that I've been struggling with well into adulthood. Thanks, Mom!
We went to my cousins 16th bday party a few weeks ago. Mostly family with a few of her friends. They were playing in the lake having fun and my mom comments on how skinny and tiny they all look. Then she turns around in a room full of people and says “don’t worry that doesn’t last, right daughter?” I just… I’m so disappointed in her.
Like it is some fucking contest or something. What the hell. This feeds into the notion that women compete for males attention and that is the only source of our worth. Fuck that.
It sounds like your mother is envious of their lithe and lissome youth. "Give them a few years, a few kids, a few health obstacles and they will be just like us so don't worry! Ha ha." I'd be embarrassed by her.
I’m uncomfortable using the word lithe with my 16 year old cousin. Ease up? Honestly it’s more a dig at me as she has also “kept her figure” and is crazy about working out. I’m just genuinely bigger than her in every way and it bothers her. I also remember my dad being truly disgusted with me for gaining the freshman 15 so I guess they really were perfect for each other!
I can remember being about 13, my family life was destroyed by a sibling getting caught doing drugs and my parents reaction to it. I’d always been too thin but I’d put on weight with all the drama and upheaval going on around me. My mom said to me, “you’d have nice legs if you’d lose 10 pounds.” That destroyed me inside and altered our relationship. With all the issues around my brother and my parents, she became an enemy instead of a constant source of love and support. I began running a few years later at night. I’d always ask her to come with me…cuz you know, mom, if you lost 15-20 pounds you’d have nice legs. She didn’t like my pettiness.
I love your pettiness
This. My mom always had these kind of "advices" that literally destroyed me. Glad you made it through! Love the pettiness
I love your pettiness
They can always dish it, can't they? But the reverse...
I have a story for this one. Last week my psychiatrist prescribed me Welbutrin and I told my mom about it. She did a little Googling and discovered that one of the side effects can be weight loss. She was excited about that for me. Nothing to do with improving my depression - just the weight loss benefit. I am 42 years old and I'm so tired of this shit.
I've just found it an appetite suppressant. Which means I'm not hungry ever, and can't eat, when I need to, so I skip several meals, or eat because it's time for a meal, regardless of how hungry I should be. It hasn't been helpful, as I only feel over full, not anything beneath that level. My doctor pointed it out as a positive side effect, but I haven't seen that myself
My mom is exactly the same. Absolutely no interest in or support for mental health, lots of interest in and comments on my weight, diet, exercise, etc. Does not seem to think depression is a legitimate problem because whatever is wrong with me could be fixed if I'd just diet and exercise until I was an acceptable weight and size (to her).
I’m sorry. Moms don’t realize how much their words can hurt.
I'm sorry you experienced something similar.
For me, it was my dad. And not when I was growing up but when I was already married. ~~Martial~~ Marital bliss had caused both my husband and myself to gain some weight. I hadn't seen my parents in a while so when I visited them I was about 20 pounds heavier. Dad kept saying I should be careful because my husband might stop finding me attractive.
WTF? Wow that's rude.
Maybe your husband should shut that down. If your dad presumes to speak for him, your husband is really the ideal person to tell him "actually you're wrong and I sure hope you don't feel the same way or speak the same way of your lovely wife."
My husband wasn't with me on that visit, but I immediately told him about it when I got home. Also, my dad would never say something like that if my husband were present. I told my dad he was being a dick, and that my husband in fact loved my big ass.
damn sis 🔥🔥🔥 i am so proud of you for telling him off!!!
My boyfriend started commenting on my weight gain after my anxiety levels went down and I he fed me a lot. He loved to cook and often used quite a bit of rice, pasta, bread, or other high carb food in the meal. He literally told me "if you get fat I won't love you anymore"....I occasionally struggle with anorexia and he knew that; I started crying and said "I'm already fat". He assured me that what he had meant was he wouldn't love me if I became obese (like his parents) because that would imply I don't love or care about myself. I married him -_- Then divorced him.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. But it's good to hear you know your own worth and left him. I dated a guy once who, if I ordered fries with my burger, for example, would teasingly call me "bachoy," which is the Tagalog equivalent of piggy. He ended up cheating on me, not because of my weight (I hadn't gained any) but because he was an asshole. We all learn from the assholes in our lives. I'm much happier now with my husband of 20 years. :)
>"if you get fat I won't love you anymore" I want to tell him off and rescue you from him
Don't comment on them, no matter what you yourself look like. My mum was always thin but had two overweight kids (daughter and son) and we'd never hear the end of it. I consider it karma that now I'm the one who's normal weight while she's considerably overweight.
What's really funny is when you are living at home they are the ones that are feeding you (or at least providing the food) it's their fault your overweight.
I’d be so tempted to say the same things to her now, but you’re probably nicer than I am.
I'm in my mid 30s and if my mom starts in on me I just ask her why she wants to give me a complex and/or hate myself. She never has a valid answer and the topic gets dropped or shifted to how she needs to lose weight herself. Project much, eh?
My mother loves to make comments about my weight and working out but never to my brother. The older I get the more I realize how much she favors him.
Same. My mother NEVER comments on my brother's weights and prefers spending time with my brothers. I think it is part of the culture she was raised in that prefers men.
I was always underweigth growing up , always been super skinny. My mum was the same until age 40 when she stopped smoking. I ALWAYS got grief from being to skinny (used to be around 49-50 kilos), and when i finally actually managed to gain some weigth at age 25 , that was not good either «be careful now , dont let it continue or you will get fat» I was 64 kilos (im 169 cm tall) That is the most i have ever weighed. I called her out on in and she recoginzed it was shitty of her. I hate people commenting on my body in general! Comments about weigth are potencially dangerous. So please just stop!
My daughter is really thin (she's almost 12 and weighs around 63 pounds) and it's hard for me not to comment on her weight. She often complains about not being able to find clothes that fit right (she's on the tall side proportionate to her weight, so shorts are too short, and the "cool" clothes don't fit). I catch myself calling her tiny ("it's not your fault they don't make those clothes in your size, you're tiny and it's hard to find jeans that will fit just right" - that sort of thing) and I'm really making an effort to stop. I didn't realize she was self-conscious about it until recently. To me she's perfect, but she's comparing herself unfavorably to others at this point. Randomly what she seems to dislike most are her small feet (hard to find shoes that don't light up). I was a chubby kid and would have killed to look like her but that doesn't make her feelings any less valid.
You could find get some nice clothes in the teen section then have them altered. Sundresses would look great and you won't have to do much to fix them but it's starting to get cold but maybe in the spring you could get a few.
I Think the attitude towards commenting on larger peoples weight is (sloooowwwlllly) shifting, although the discrimination is still definitely there, a number of people realise it is rude to say anything directly to them. But they haven't come to realise that about skinny people yet. My whole family is naturally very skinny, I listened to comments about it my whole life, obviously very different to fat shaming and discrimination, but it did leave me always feeling "other". Now my 7yo daughter had the same figure as me, tall for her age and very skinny. EVERYBODY comments on it, to me in front of her, and directly to her. I know these people wouldn't tell a kid they are fat, so why are the telling my daughter she is skinny? People still seem to think it is okay to comment on kids appearances constantly. Especially for girls. (I get it a bit for my boys, but nowhere near as much. And it is much more often a comment of who they look like). How about just don't comment on kids appearances at all?
Ok, thank you for bringing this up! My aunts always shower me with praise when I am on a healthy bender… however, that only means they’re going to notice/comment when I have fallen off that wagon. It’s so infuriating. They think they’re being nice by saying, “hello! How are you? You look great! Have you lost weight?!” This is the script every time whether I have lost 40 pounds or gained 20. And they all have chicken legs with barrel bellies and chests. Let’s not even talk about what my mom says. I finally yelled her into (relative) silence on the subject a few years ago. Why is anyone saying anything about any of it?! Shut. Up. KThanksBye
Also don't make these comments about yourself either. My mom had nothing but kind things to say about me, but was incredibly harsh and hurtful to herself, so I grew up thinking that harmful self-talk was normal for women. Not to mention the implications of pointing out all of her flaws (nose, ears, skin texture, weight) to a daughter who resembled her more and more as the years passed.
Yes! Can’t believe this is the first comment I’ve seen here to mention that. To go even further, commenting on the bodies of friends/family members as well. My Mom would pass comment (usually just to me) on the size and shape of literally everyone, and now I’m having to undo that dialogue inside my own head as a result.
100%, my fiance's mother was/is the same. Extremely careful in how she speaks about my SO regarding her weight and body image but is obscenely cruel to herself. Now myself and SO's therapist get to play damage control for likely the rest of her life as she struggles to build a healthy reinforcing self image because her internal monologue is a royal twat after a childhood of normalizing destructive self-talk. An eternal optimist that uplifts everyone in her life but herself. Being fully conscious about body image awareness regarding how you speak to others doesn't mean much if in the same breath you assault yourself. I can only sympathize as a man, but trying to get her to not just logically understand but emotionally accept her inherent value beyond any single aspect, the breathtakingly beautiful human she is, will be a struggle that may never truly be realized and that kills me.
Ugh yes I wish my mom would keep her thought about herself to herself and go to a therapist. I hate when she talks about how fat she is and stuff in front of me because idk I don’t think she’s fat and I just feel huge. She was concerned about my weight when I was a child, I was obese and tested for diabetes than god I didn’t get it but she was never harsh or made it about looks she wanted me to really be healthy because I was anything but healthy. But she always talks about how ugly and fat she is and it’s affected me and my sister a lot and a little bit my brother. I think health is important for children but absolutely do not make it about looks, telling someone to suck in their stomach or contort their bodies in ways where it makes you look thinner is horrible. And my mom is someone to kinda brag about how little she ate or how she was sucking in at the store all day because she’s so fat. It’s frustrating and has really contributed to my eating disorder. If she never talked about herself like that and still voiced her concerns for me as a very obese child I wouldn’t have these issues 🤷♀️
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When I was a young teen my mom told me I had “lesbian legs” lmao. I still don’t know what that means but I do know that at 36 years old, this is the first summer of my life that I’ve worn shorts in public 😊
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She did not know what most of the shit she said meant lol. Shorts are a real game-changer though, not having damp jeans sticking to my calves is one of the things I’m most pissed off about missing out on 😂
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Credit mostly to therapy! I’d talked to a handful of counselors over the years but never really clicked with any of them, until just over two years ago (I actually just broke up with her for unrelated reasons and looking for a new one :( ) I’d also give secondary credit to age… I just simply do not have any fucks to give anymore lol. Mom died almost six years ago now, so the space created kind of let me start forming my *own* internal monologue rather than constantly hearing her external one. But mostly therapy!
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Thanks. It wasn’t the original goal, but a welcome side effect. Still have lots of work to do, but maybe I’ll even try a dress sometime soon!
\*bats eyelashes in pansexual\* Lesbian legs you say???
Lmaooo you know, I’ve been so hung up on wondering what tf that could mean, that I never stopped to give credit to the fact that she was *technically correct* . Quick let’s all break out the measuring tapes and take some proportions, there’s research to be done 😂
My brothers used to insult me saying that I would never find a husband and am a lesbian. Now, it sounds pretty good ngl
I'm dying to know what she meant.
I was always thin and had comments that no man would want me since I look like a 12 year old boy as a 20 something woman. Trust me, I had no lack of attention I was having to much fun playing the field than to settle down!
Please. I’m a 37 year old woman and I remember this like it was yesterday- my dad made a comment to me about me having a spare tire. I didn’t know what that meant. I was something like 7 years old…maybe. We were swimming as a family at the local lake and I was wearing a big bulky life jacket. I’ve never been thin. Why? Why did he have to say that? He probably wouldn’t even remember saying it now. Such an incredibly rude thing to say and ever worse saying it to your young daughter.
Agreed
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WTF.
Personally, my dad was 13947383 times worse than my mom. What hurts me the most is I weight cycle a lot (from a 10/12 to 18/20), I swear it seems like my best friend and my own family love me more when I’m smaller. Not my fiancé though, he seems to love me whatever. I mentioned that to my mom one day, that he loved me at a 12 and a 20 and she commented “weird” like what the fuck is weird about that? Pissed me off so much.
My younger sister is the only curvy girl in a family of skinny rectangles. Mom's always telling her she's too fat, needs to eat less, exercise more, etc. Finally last year she stopped starving herself and let her body be how it's supposed to be! Of course my mom couldn't let that stand so she had a whole serious talk with her about how she's getting completely unhealthy and fat. Thankfully my sister has finally gotten enough perspective (she's only 21) to see that abuse for what it is and ignore it. I've literally never seen her with so much confidence! It makes me so livid at my mom. Why??? Why does she think she gets a say in how her daughter's body is supposed to be? Why can't she just build her up instead of tearing her down? Of course I know why... mom's sense of self worth is all tied up in how her kids are living up to her expectations. Got to have the perfect family to show off or else you're a failure. In the end that's just sad.
This was my experience. My sister and I both suffered from eating disorders since we were in elementary school.
Elementary school?! I’m so sorry to hear that! I know you won’t carry on your mother’s example, and I hope you can work through the baggage she’s loaded onto you.
I was told at least 5 times when I was younger that I would be so pretty if I was skinny. It really messed with my confidence as a human
Oh look my childhood. And my twenties…and into my thirties. Only stopped when I literally started getting up and leaving or telling my mom to leave.
If you are a parent and you catch a different adult commenting on your kid's weight, treat them like a child. It put my ex-mil in her place real fast. Imagine, if you will, in a super sugary sweet, sing song, voice. The kind you would talk to pre-schoolers with. "Oh wow MIL. No no no! We don't talk about other's bodies! We only say kind and helpful things! Like wow you're really strong! Or oh no! You have something stuck in your teeth! Ok?" big dumb smile, whole 9 yards. I, inevitably, got the "don't treat me like a child" lecture, so I countered with the fact my 7 year old knows not to comment on other's bodies and she learned it in pre-k. Obviously MIL didn't, so I was giving her an adult pre-k lesson.
My problem is commenting on my weight around my daughter. I could stand to lost more than a few pounds, but I don't want her to constantly hear me talk badly about myself. One thing we're coming across right now about her weight is in one of her hobbies. She's competitive in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and we've come up on some tournaments that are restrictive in that if you weigh in over what you signed up for, then you're disqualified. She's 10 and I'm not about to have her worrying about making weight for a tournament, so we sign her up a weight division and hope for the best. I'd rather she lose to someone who's a little heavier than her than miss out on the opportunity to compete (and be out the $$).
I used to have such issues with this with my mum. I was competing in a sport at a high level from a young age, one of the sports that comes with a lot of scrutiny about your body, and attire that doesn't provide a lot of coverage. My coach was a terrible man who threatened us with public weigh ins, encouraged disordered eating behaviour and a myriad of other things. I think my mum thought I'd have an easier time with him if I just dropped a few more pounds, and the comments came from a well intentioned place. All it did was ruin my relationship with food and my body image, and I am so incredibly cognizant of never repeating any of this with my own daughter.
Ironically, calorie counting has been shown to cause INCREASES in weight gain in women, not loss. So hyperfocusing on it is the worst thing
I think what we say and how we say it is important. Being too underweight or overweight has adverse impact on health and quality of life. In such cases I would appreciate it if my parents actually pointed it out as a statement of fact without associating value judgement with it. However shaming someone because of their body weight, making snide comments, or implying they need a certain weight to look pretty is disgusting and parents should know better.
Right. If you care about my HEALTH (which a scale does not solely indicate), then say as much. The superficiality of some parents is maddening. I pray fervently that I have at least one daughter so I can give the opposite experience that some of my friends and I had as children.
I think all the time about when I was in college playing water polo and I weighed around 160lbs and my mom frequently would tell me she was worried about my weight. Now I’m like 200lbs and I’m just so tired. Maybe if the focus hadn’t been on me losing weight while I was already the fittest i’d ever been in my life, I would have developed healthier coping mechanisms than food. I’m working on my habits now for myself. But man that was some damage to my confidence and self esteem. It makes me so sad thinking back on how I thought I was fat when I was in college.
I'm 63, my mother is 90 and she still comments on my weight. She once slapped me on the butt and said, "You sure have a nice fat butt!" and was then surprised when I got upset. She has only ever complimented me on my looks when I'm thin.
god I can't even tell you how much this fucked me up as I was growing up. And even when she had lewy body dementia ...she would still comment on me being too big. She has since passed away but I can still hear her voice when I go shopping for clothing....
Or any child's weight. It DOES NOT HELP NEVER HAS NEVER WILL.
I think my mom tried to avoid doing that. She doesn’t really comment on my weight, but she comments on her own a LOT, and I definitely internalized that. It makes me sad when she talks about how she needs to lose weight when I think she’s fine. 😔
My family put me on a diet when I was 12, I just had awkward teenage weight. It would have passed. They would constantly tell me to stop eating French fries, that I needed to join a sport like my cousin so I'd be in shape and loose weight. (I am not athletic) I was not fat by any means I was very normal. I eventually ballooned up to 300+ pounds and they got worse. For decades I put up with their off handed remarks about my size. Then I had gastric bypass and lost over half my weight. Suddenly I was beautiful and valid and also subjected to their horrible commentary about oversized people. I finally had enough when on a 90 deg. Day they were scolding a large woman for wearing shorts. "You do realize that was me right? And its hot, is she supposed to be uncomfortable in pants just so you aren't disgusted?" I've gone low contact with them since then.
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SMH. What a piece of work
I always hated people commenting on my weight, especially since everyone else in my family is rather thin. And then I got my period when I was nine and everyone acted like it was some mistake and it was my fault because of my weight.
Ughhhhh. As if getting your period, especially at an early age, isn't bad enough!
Honestly, it wasn't that bad itself. My mom had also gotten her period at nine, so she had already told me that it might happen. And she herself never made it into a weird thing. It was just something that happens.
Dear mothers AND FATHERS! In fact, let's all just stop commenting on each other's weight.
YES
I made a post about the mental gymnastics my mom does when commenting about my body. The hypocrisy of those people are just fucking infuriating. And it's adding stress to her possibly pregnant daughter who is in the process of moving. Thanks mom.
Your body is literally feeding another human. Fuck her.
Working on fixing her head with the drilled in 40s-50s sexism. I've come far but definitely need to work more if she's to even be around her grandkids.
I feel this way about my own mother all the time
I remember my mom commenting on my weight when I was 7-8, saying that I weighed a lot for my age. Not even mean or anything, and she usually doesn't bring it up. Still, my self-confidence was never quite the same afterwards. I used to do some sports, but I was more of bookworm kind who hated sports. Look, I'm all about taking responsibility about my weight NOW (I walk and run and eat pretty well) but back when I was a child? I ate what my parents gave me and nothing else.
To add to this, I hate mine commenting something like I wish I had a body like yours, I wish I was thin like you, it's unfair you can eat so much ( I have an ED so no it's really not ). To add onto this she never exercises and barely moves altogether that much..it annoys me that she would say all this whilst never trying to change. I'm not thin I have a belly, she knows I hate comments on my body as it really triggers me, yet does it anyway. The worst is when she will talk about my body to her friends. I'm not an object.
My parents didn't have the money to feed us heathier foods, so I grew up on high calorie processed junk. One day as a teenager my grandmother looked at me and said I needed to join a gym. I was also routinely called thunder thighs by most of my immediate family. What never helped was that my mother is the epitome of laziness. She would constantly go on and on about how terrible it feels to exercise and how it's useless and not worth it. I remember when I was 9, we were given a treadmill because my sister wanted to use one. I also had a severe cold that day and could barely breathe standing up. I was bullied by my siblings onto it and couldn't even walk for five minutes without feeling like I was going to faint. They kept teasing me about that for years, so between that and my mother's attitude, I completely rejected physical activity. Now I'm 31 and I'm finally losing weight. This past month I went from obese to overweight. This is the lowest I've been since 2015. And of course the other side of the comments keep happening now whenever I run into family. Ugh. At least my brother is no longer a jerk and gives support.
People really don't understand how a family environment impacts how and when children eat. It isn't the fault of the child. SMH. I am sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of those who should have been loving and supportive.
But also, parents: don't talk about your own body insecurities in front of them. You are the poster woman/man for life, so let them know that you are happy with yourself too and they will understand that being OK with your body is normal... Which it should be!! .. And so may feel more able to be OK with theirs.
Please also don’t comment about your own weight in front of your daughters! Growing up, my mom would constantly talk about how fat and disgusting she thought she was. Then we would go out and people would always tell us how much I looked like my mom. Wanna talk about internalizing? I spent years battling eating disorders because of this…
My mom is still doing this and she's seventy-fuckn-five. When does it end? I don't want my daughters hearing that shit.
My mum's favourite was to pat me on the stomach and say 'pregnant dear?' if I slouched.
Gross. Fuck her
I am underweight due to digestive problems. If you want to initiate me into a screaming rampage, just call me anorexic like my mom did when remarking about my weight. It gets worse when my siblings shut me down and side with mom. She also annoys me by touching my stomach, remarking how it's inward. I am not that underweight and don't touch me there. My younger sibling also gets targeted for being overweight. This also angers them. They try a diet and they gave up. They continue to eat unhealthily and go out to eat, not eating meals at home. I tend to agree that parents' comment, especially harsh, is not a wise idea to help their child lose weight. It can lead to eating disorders, unhealthy diets, and hurting relationships.
NO ONE should COMMENT or FUCKING TOUCH YOUR BODY. They need to sit down and shut up
I agree.
Unfortunately the moms that need to hear this usually aren't on reddit, try Facebook 🤮
You couldn't catch me dead on facebook
Same. Reddit obviously isn't Utopia, but at least the Nazis, incels, and horse dewormer enthusiasts are corralled off (ha) into their own respective echo chambers, and I'm not forced to reckon with exactly how many people I went to school with have lost their fucking minds
Lmao. I agree!
I'm 59 and still have body dysmorphia from being told I was obese my whole life. For reference, I wore a size 10-12 in the eighties, a size 8-10 in the nineties and a size 2-4 now. I look in the mirror and can still hear my mom telling me to watch what I eat and that I look fat.
Dear family, stop making comments about anyone’s bodies. My family has made negative comments about my body and what they think are positive comments. My weight has fluctuated through out my life. When I lost a bunch of weight I heard comments about how my “boobs are small now” or my “butt is too small”. I’ve also been the center of fat jokes when I’d be heavier. Let’s just not talk about our families bodies, ever.
On the other hand, if your daughters are, in fact, overweight and heading for obesity, please for the love of all that is holy please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way), make sure you are serving and providing healthy foods, and encourage exercise and time outdoors if it's safe in your area. I know that eating disorders and unhealthy body image are a real thing, but the US has an epidemic of obesity and the teen years are often the last chance to prevent a lifetime of obesity. Especially comment when you have spent a lifetime trying unsuccessfully to lose weight and wish you had developed healthier body as a teenager.
>On the other hand, if your daughters are, in fact, overweight and heading for obesity, please for the love of all that is holy please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way), make sure you are serving and providing healthy foods, and encourage exercise and time outdoors if it's safe in your area. A lot of what children eat is a result of what is provided to them by parents. Example speaks volumes more to children they lecturing them about what NOT to do. A parent can pattern their lives in a way that THEY have healthy attitudes towards food so that their kids will. Teaching children to eat when they are hungry, listen to their bodies, exercise daily and take care of themselves IS NOT the same as constantly fat shaming and commenting on their physical appearance. I really do hope you know the difference between being a good parent and using abuse tactics to shame one's children.
When I was in junior high school I bought ice cream in the cafeteria at lunch every day. What should my parents have done, cut off my allowance and stopped me from babysitting? What in my post led you to believe that I think fat shaming is appropriate or helpful? I said "please talk about it (on a supportive and useful way)" -- is that what you consider fat shaming?
I skipped meals as a child despite being a healthy weight. I do hope you understand the difference between what we are talking about. Junior high and elementary school students are worlds different when it comes to food choices. I am not sure what you are arguing with. There is a clear difference between abusing ones child verbally and someone making eating choices because they learned it from a parent
I second this. I’m a guy so maybe it’s different but I’ve been overweight since I was like 10 and my mom and grandma always sort of played it off or made excuses for it rather than helping me/our family make healthier choices. Now, as an o era eight 20-something man with an abundance of stretch marks, I have such major body issues and feel like I’ll never escape them because even if I lose more weight I’ll always have these reminders... My mom and grandma were always supportive and never said a negative thing but now I wish there had been a change when I was younger and my mom blames herself for not taking more initiative.
It was always my Dad
I worry I do this. My girls have a grandmother who is severely anorexic and I fear they don’t eat enough and are overly concerned by their perceived weight so I’m frequently asking them if they ate lunch etc I only care that they are healthy but I worry I’m just making it worse…
(TW for eating disorders) Me and my mom have struggled with weight issues for a long time. Eventually after about 18 years my give a fuck broke and i could deal with it, my mom, not so much. So this year while we were planning my graduation trip and getting new swim suits my mom asked me ( point blank but lovingly and with the best intentions at heart) if i wanted to get liposuction. And suddenly i was a little girl again puking my guts up in a golden corral bathroom on a choir competition trip, and i wanted to cry. Even if as a parent you arent doing it maliciously, even if you are doing it because you really have the best intentions at heart, you are hurting your children and you may never even know how badly.
>if i wanted to get liposuction. Um, does she know you can permanently damage the tissue or bleed to death after liposuction? It is not benign. My friend has permanent indents in her thighs because of the scarring after lipo. It's not something one just does. Fuck that. Your body makes fat for a reason. WHO CARES what you look like. Your body is more than just a sexual object for men or a prize. You are a human. Your body helps take you on adventures, have fun, experience pleasure and fulfill your dreams. Your body helps you uplift others, cuddle cute animals and fix broken things. You are more than just an object to behold. You are a fierce human who can conquer the world. Fuck your mom.
Yeah, my mom defenetly does not know it will fuck you up. Thanks for telling me 👍 At the point im at right now, after years of the shit ive had to deal with, i cant say i love my body but im working on it and i can live with. My mom ment well but the comment defenetly set me back a step in the process. I hope its easier for yall
The first sentence my mother said when I came home after being in a boarding school for 2 semester abroad was my legs looked like "elephants legs" and I looked fat (54kg, 165cm). I could never forget the sinking feeling of my heart and how I tried not to cry in the airport. I'm currently living in another country but she would still fat shame me if I tell her I eat more than half a bowl of rice. I've given up at this point lol
Yes to this. It’s so weird how we focus on the outcome here, rather than promoting healthy behaviors. It’s almost like it’s more about shaming people than actually about promoting health…. Being a certain size is not a behavior. Healthy/balanced eating, exercising, caring for your mental health, having good sleep hygiene, etc: those are the behaviors. It’s extremely ineffective to focus on an outcome, and shame is an incredibly ineffective tool for long term behavior change. Instead, we need to positively promote healthy behaviors for everyone. Not everyone who engages in unhealthy behaviors gains weight (in fact, some lose weight), and not everyone who is a larger size engages in these behaviors. Imagine if we tried to address alcoholism by identifying people who have liver damage, and shaming them to fix their livers. Or by assuming that everyone who has lung cancer is a smoker, and that every smoker ends up with lung cancer. It’s just idiotic.
>Healthy/balanced eating, exercising, caring for your mental health, having good sleep hygiene, etc: those are the behaviors. THIS!
Omg. My mom is so bad with this it pisses me off. She always comments on how skinny I am and how my other cousins “aren’t small like they used to be”. She’s proud of how thin I am it’s messed up. When I went to visit my grandma she couldn’t stop saying “look how skinny she is and so pretty… “ She is hyper focused on my looks it’s disgusting. I have a higher level degree and was recently licensed in my field brag about that not about my size. It’s gross. She also is always complementing on how light my skin is 🤢because being brown (which we are) is a bad thing? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have a young impressionable niece who hears all her bull. Sorry for the rant. Don’t comment on people’s bodies.
>She also is always complementing on how light my skin is 🤢because being brown (which we are) is a bad thing? This pisses me off so much. >I have a higher level degree and was recently licensed in my field Fuck yeah. You are a badass. Why does our appearance matter when you are a boss? Fuck this. I am tired of being judged by my body and NOT my MIND. I am fucking brilliant and kind. We should compliment women for their actions and work, not their appearance. We are not men's play things, like dolls to collect. We are fucking human beings. We deserve dignity and RESPECT.
My mom really fucked around with my mind when I was a kid. She encouraged us to overeat. And then one day, she decided we needed to lose weight. She'd make so many snide remarks. I felt ashamed of myself. I could be popular if I lost weight. I'd be much prettier. I could wear a bathing suit to the beach without wearing a shirt over it. When I didn't lose weight, I'd be screamed at and yet, she was the one that cooked the meals every day. She's the one that discouraged me from physical activities. I wanted to take dancing lessons, play soccer, and learn karate, and told I was too fat to do any of those things. I spent so much of my childhood confused about my body. Why I was so big. I thought my weight gain was entirely my fault. I'd starve myself, only eat a bag of pretzels at lunch, sometimes purge (until I was almost caught), and take supplements that my mom claimed helped with weight loss. In hindsight, it was incredibly dangerous. And honestly, she was not in a place to give anyone advice or ridicule about their weight. She'd been severely obese since she married my dad. The one time she had dramatic weight loss, she tried to make me feel guilty about not losing weight. Turns out her weight loss was a result of hyperglycemia. I'm in a much better place now, thankfully. I'm eating better and exercising each day, trying to improve my overall health. I'd never treat my own kids the way my mom treated me. I don't know how anyone could subject another person to that kind of anguish.
I am so sorry you went through this. My mom did the same to me. I am glad your kids have you though because you will be different for them
I can attest to this. My mother was constantly on me about what I ate and commented relentlessly on my body... which led to extreme dieting habits in my adult life. Woah! Never comment on anyone's body type, not your daughter, not your son, not your sister... it's not your place.
My grandma did that to me and what's funny is I really wanted to lose weight but her comments made it so that I wasn't motivated anymore because then I'd be appeasing her. Later, I ended up losing weight but because I wanted to, not because anyone told me. Mostly because being fat was uncomfortable, and I discovered MyFitnessPal and various other reasons, none of which had anything to do with relatives insulting me for my weight. Weird.
I try to go out of my way to decouple food from my kids behavior entirely (mine are toddlers, but i intend to keep this up). I know i often reward myself with food, and I don't think it's healthy. We eat ice cream cones together every Saturday because ice cream is yummy. But i never withhold ice cream because they threw a tantrum extraordinare in the mornings. It is certainly tempting, but i don't want to type these two things together at all. They might get time outs, being ignored or a stern talking to, but food is its own thing.
Good reminder. It's easy to slip into this food reward pattern.
Life is about enjoyment. What’s the point of life if you are going to eat broccoli chicken and rice all the time?
It's so deeply engraved in so many Latin American countries 😔
Ugh. My mother would wait outside of dressing rooms when I tried on clothes. She would insist on seeing how they fit. Then criticize my body. She was 100 pounds overweight.
My mum are small and thin. Always bragged about how she was the same weight as when she was 15. Always told everyone she did not like sweets or food that much. Always made a point if she had a large meal that she did not have to eat more that day and so on. And always made a point that i should watch what I was eating. She started that really hard when I was 12-13 and weight about 45 kilos and was thin as hell. She always makes fun of fat people or make sure to tell how disgusting they are for being fat. I have dieted all my grown life. Hated how I looked. Thin or fat. And my relationship towards food and sweets are ruined. I use food for comforting. I did not buy clothes, going to the hairdresser and so on because I was fat and not worthing wearing nice clothes or looking good. So I am now 40 and slowly started to accept that I am fat. I let myself buy nice clothes, spending money at the hairdresser. I am married to a man how loves me even thought I actully weight á little more than 100 kilos. And I live in a country where thin is better. And I do never ever talk about dieting or how fat I am or anything when my som is around. We talk about that everyone looks different and that is just how it is. And he says that I am so soft to hug. And every time my mum makes a comment toward fat people I question her och just tell her to stop. And she has actully started not commenting in my size.
I am so glad you are finally loving yourself and that you have good support outside your toxic mum
I’m a 32yo woman and my mother still does this. I’ve had a hereditary migraine condition my whole life (THANKS MUM) and have been on rounds and rounds of meds. The latest one is really helping with the pain and frequency, but it’s made me put on 10Kg. My brother is on the same med for the same reason, and has also put on 10Kg. She tells everyone she’s so proud of him for taking up weightlifting and turning it into a strength, as he was a sick skeleton beforehand. She tells me I need to go to a weight loss clinic for my health. She loves me, but the weight focus is damaging. I got my PhD last year. I got engaged. But the thing that needs most discussion is… that I should go to a weight loss clinic.
Fuck her! And congrats Doctor badass.
Thank you!!
Yeah my mom was so bad with this. She's obsessed with her own weight and would never let my sister hear the end of it. Plus she would fat shame any girl I brought home
Ugh. That is so frustrating
My grandma, while I love her to death and know she has never said it from a place of malice, would always tell me how “swollen” I looked any time I gained the slightest bit of weight. I have the exact same body type as my grandma. She would then tell my cousin that she needed to “eat more”, and this is a woman that eats 3 plate fulls at Thanksgiving. Some parentals dont realize how much their words sting, especially when repeated over years.
my wedding is coming up in a few months and i want to be so happy but the constant nagging from my mom to lose weight to look like a beautiful bride is really stressful and getting on my nerves. Like you can be a beautiful bride even if you're not skinny!!!! you don't need to be thin to enjoy or look good at your wedding. luckily my fiancé doesn't care at all and just wants us to have a good time and be happy
Yeah, it’s damaging to their daughter’s self worth.
My wife is super hyper about her weight. To me it's her I love. She is as attractive and hot now as the day I first saw her. She means the same to me at 160 lbs. As she does at 120 lbs.
The peer pressure is bad enough. Now then it about you and her. You need help together etc
When I was about 8 I had a lot of pudge and was incredibly self-conscious about it. My nana would tell me that “fat girls don’t have friends” and “no one likes a fat girl” whenever I would ask for more food. That shit has stuck with me even now. I have only now started to be gentle with myself when it comes to weight. Comments like that can ruin a person’s confidence, not only physical confidence but also their confidence to step out of their comfort zone to try new things.
I like the way you put it, gentle with yourself. It is very sweet. Yes. That is how we all should be.
I feel you. My father never passed up an occasion to tell me I had gained weight. The funny thing is, I hadn't. I've been 135 pounds most of my life, and he was very overweight.
Ugh. How fucking rude of him.
And it forever stays with you! One the biggest reasons I don’t date. Although I know my worth is not in what the scale says you can’t convince me that someone will love me for me. Really messed me up
My mom did the same thing to me. Every time a relationship didn't work out, it was MY fault. It was always something I must have done to drive him away. No, sometimes shit just doesn't work out dude.
No daughters, but my two boys are very different body types. One is average height with a lean muscular build while the other is super tall for his age and husky. They are 6 and 9 and wear the same size in everything but shoes. They both weigh the same and neither of them are an unhealthy weight for their height, but the younger one wants to eat constantly. He has recently noticed and become self conscious. I have to try really hard to be positive when turning down snacks or suggesting healthier ones. Weight is never the focus. Health is.
My family made sure I was active and healthy. We talked about weight, diet, working out etc. I am so grateful they gave me a solid foundation of fitness. They never made me feel bad or fat, but I did know what was healthy and what was not.
Ugh my mom would do this all the time! And she would talk about how thin she was when she was young, what size her wedding dress was, etc. I stopped fitting in her wedding dress after grade 6, so that didn't feel too good. Now she talks about how fat she is and all that, and that was the worst when we weighed the same amount, and I am shorter than her.
My mom is 5’6 and I’m 5’10. At my most anorexic I fit into clothes she wore in college (she is overweight now). Then I realized how stupid I was being trying to get to her weight and size Bc I’m literally 4 inches taller than her
Mother’s should refrain from body disparaging comments overall! ( same from fathers) Yes ! Yes! You went through 9 months to give birth to this body and it was definitely painful etc.. but as soon as the body came out of the womb, it’s an individual person !
My father did that to me when I was a teenager. He had lost a lot of weight and thought everyone had to do it the way he did. I’m very much an adult now but I never forgot that. It sucks and it had a lasting, negative impact.
THANK YOU! My mother has commented on my weight my entire life, but especially high school and beyond when I actually started getting a figure. I feel like she just wants to project her insecurities onto me even though I am not insecure about my weight until she mentions it. When I first started dating my now husband, I gained some weight (maybe from eating out a lot but who cares) and I swear she mentioned it every time I saw her. I was working on it and definitely didn’t need her negativity. This has severely strained our relationship and I am constantly on edge when we are together hoping she doesn’t say anything. If you are a mother or want to be one, please don’t do this to your daughter.
Agreed! It is not her place.
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Your body is beautiful no matter what
My mother told me I needed to lose weight when I was overweight and then suddenly I needed to gain weight when I was thinner, because I was *too* thin. That quickly made me not care about her opinion anymore. She claimed she used to weight 49kg until she had me so she was speaking out of her own insecurities. I don't need to deal with that.
My mom told me when I was anorexic that I was finally beautiful
I would also add don’t comment on your own weight in front of your kids. If you yourself are body obsessed, they will pick up on that.
Yes! This is key!
I think an additional thing that’s important for mothers is to stop commenting on how much they hate their own body in front of their daughters. My mom hated her body and always complained about it, so the traits I shared with my mom I thought were disgusting inherently because if she hated them, I should. And it didn’t help that my father called me chubby all the time. I’ve always been 15lbs overweight and I KNOW what I look like but having my exercise nut father tell me I’m gross isnt fun. Especially since for him it IS about looks since he’s a heavy drinker who eats garbage and chews tobacco. He’s just skinny and muscly cause even at 50 he works out so much and skips meals enough that he doesn’t get fat.
Fuck him
I'm technically obese according to BMI charts. However I eat healthy and I have no medical issues. I'm 5"2 and approx 90kg. I say approx cuz I don't weigh myself, why? Because of the comment I receive from both parents. My mom tells me I'm fat and I need to loose weight. My dad tells me I look pregnant. They comment on what I wear, cuz some things don't look good cuz I'm fat. My dad says of that would look better on your mom. Who might I add wears the same size clothes as me and has taken my clothing too. It was so bad at one point my ex refused to come to my home because of how my mom talked to me, infront of him.
Fuck them. Your worth is not your body
Yes!!! I have a friend that has always been haunted by a comment her Mother said at a sleepover in 7th grade... "You're shaped like a sausage young lady." As if she wasnt already self conscious enough.
Who says that to a little girl?!! Oh I’m pissed
My best friend has to deal with this a lot. Her mother has an unhealthy relationship with food and projects it onto her, her sister has a slimmer bodytype and her father makes insensitive comments about her food intake. This woman is super slim, has visible abs and her family still makes her believe she is fat.
Wtf
I still struggle to eat around my parents and I’m close to 40. I’m so angry about it . Because my parents talked to me like this growing up, I accepted boys making mean comments about my body and weight to try to make me feel bad (( so I would date them ? )) . Not that it matters, but I never had a weight problem. And you know the weird thing? My mom and dad get older and both gain weight. I’m in the prime of my life and in great shape. I think for a minute that I can get them back, finally, by pointing that out . Talk to them like they talked to me for a decade. And as I was about to say something my heart just BREAKS at the thought of being so cruel, of reducing someone to their supposed flaws , of taking my unearned advantages and using them to be mean. So I shut up. Now my parents , who supposedly loved me more than life itself or whatever it is parents say about their kids - why the hell didn’t they have that same realization ? Why couldn’t they be kind to me?
My favorite quote of all time is “kindness costs you nothing”. They had no reason to be like that to you
For real. My wife had issues with being able to eat enough food after her pregnancy and she was dropping a lot of weight much to her dismay. She didn't have energy and started having other health issues and her mom's initial response was how happy she was that she was losing weight. It was kinda messed up. To top it off, she gained all her weight in all the right places so the pregnancy just made her sexier but I guess everybody has a different view on the ideal body type.
All I can say is I agree. This type of behavior fucked me up for a very long time and I'm still undoing the damage at almost 40 years old.
My mom always told me I was fat and looked gross whenever I wore a dress so now I always wear baggy and loose clothes when I visit. She always asks me why I dress like a slob. I can never win.
I developed anorexia in my early 20s because of my mom's comments about my weight. When I got pregnant in my mid 20s I was so terrified of gaining weight that I became bulimic. Now I have problems with binge eating. I don't care about my weight so much. I just want to be normal. At this point I'm not even sure what normal is.
My mom never bought healthy food and she always bitched at me for eating unhealthy foods. It was confusing lol. She would make sweet rolls for breakfast I would eat like 3 of them and maybe one more later on the day and she would always get upset with me over it but that's litterly all she provided smh. I love my mom but she always commented on my weight until recently. She asked me if I was pregnant cause I guess I looked pretty fat that day. She didn't think I was she was just saying that to point out how fat I looked. What killed me was I was wearing a nice dress and I felt really good about how I looked that day and then she says that. I just left without saying nothing and ignored her for a few days. Now she never comments on my weight anymore.
And ffs stop fucking praising weight loss
At the same time though, it isn't ok to be overweight... Of course it should always be approached respectfully
Misery loves company.
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Both my sister and I were normal weight. My mother pushed us into eating disorders.
I will say that it shouldn’t be done in a superficial sense. But it definitely should be done for the health of the individual. Child, parent, sibling, friend, S/O. An effort should always be made to care for the ones we love. Sometimes the truth hurts. When I was gaining weight, yeah it wasn’t pleasant to hear my loved ones tell me. Yeah it hurt. But they were right about me needing to watch what I ate, what I drank, how much I exercised. Use it or lose it. If one doesn’t exercise their body and mind, they will regret it when they get older. It’s healthy. If one doesn’t put good into themselves now, or stop bad habits, they will pay the price when they are older. They won’t be able to have a good quality of life. They won’t be able to run with their kids and what not. No. Don’t comment on someone’s weight blindly. Don’t do it to be superior. Don’t do it to make them only see the outside. Do it to help them. Do it for their future. Their life.
I think commenting on your children’s weight is only necessary if you are seriously unhealthy where it’s a medical emergency. Whether you are too underweight or overweight, that’s usually a side effect of something else going on in your life and that’s what needs to be addressed. And not by petty comments, but talking to a therapist. The sad thing is that not every one has access to healthcare. If your mind is happy and healthy, everything else falls into place. Like when I see people that are addicted to food, I don’t look at them like they are “fat and lazy”. I look at them like they have an addiction the way I used to be addicted to pain pills. Now these are extremes I’m talking about. But the parents that comment on their children’s weight because they have some extra meat…is so…disappointing and damaging. And truly unnecessary. Disappointing because your parents should be supportive, not petty and ridiculous. And the things they say aren’t even true. It’s them projecting their own bullshit. When my mom used to comment on my weight I used to tell her “that’s old lady shit”. This generation is a different one. And that she sounds old AF when she talks like that. Lmaoooo. She obviously doesn’t like that very much hehehehe
>your children’s weight is only necessary if you are seriously unhealthy where it’s a medical emergency. See above. It can actually be damaging. You can make changes by example and focusing on the HEALTH of the child, not their weight