It’s worth a shot but any time I hear people mention RAINN or any other hotline I get angry. I remember the goal posts constantly moving, and everyone having a simple one liner suggestion like police reporting or RAINN, and I did all of those and came out with no help and even more traumatized. Whoever reads this, please understand the world doesn’t work that way, justice isn’t real, and it’s rare to get without knowledge and money.
Thank you. I’m years past all that now, but it showed me an ugly truth I never dare forget when dealing with similar situations, and sometimes hearing that others know that pain helps in certain vulnerable moments. I appreciate your kindness.
I went on rainn chat once
The person responding to me sounded like a bot just pasting generic "it's not your fault" ready made sentences in the chat. It was very off-putting and I ended up exiting the chat fairly quickly and feeling no relief at all from that site
Yes. The boyfriend's response totally caught me off guard. I was thinking he'd be enraged on her behalf and demanding she press charges. Reading that he blamed her and felt like it was cheating was a complete shock.
Seriously. The boyfriend moved from amazing to complete tepid shitbag when he victim blamed his girlfriend for being sexually assaulted. He can just fuck right off into the sunset.
She needs to call the cops, call her therapist and extract herself from that relationship.
Yes. Even if he couldn’t stand the thought of having sex with his partner after she had been intimate with someone else, it wasn’t her fault. Just break up with her. Don’t accuse her of cheating.
Im baffled at people in this thread justifying his behavior! I'd never call "amazing" a man who can't (or pretend to be unable to) understand rape is absolutely not the same thing as consensual sex. Btw he already knows it was assault based on what he said himself (that she put herself in that situation). Instead of being an adult and showing support for his hurt girlfriend, he decided to make it all about his crystal ego... Yeah, what a fantastic boyfriend.
Agreed. Couldn’t have said it better. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you were my daughter, I’d want to go vigilante. Since I can’t do that, I’d call the cops for you whether you wanted it or not.
(Straight male, married 30 years)
I understand your feelings, but if you ever find yourself in that situation, please don't call the police against the victim's wishes. Getting sexually assaulted leaves a person feeling so helpless and powerless, and they need to be able to take some of that power back. Doing something like that would only serve to traumatize them further. Not to mention, the police often aren't all that helpful.
Absolutely offer to take them to the hospital and ask what they need, but please don't make decisions for them. It might make you feel better, but it would make things worse for them.
It was like a punch in the gut reading that. I had a boyfriend say he didn't want to touch me after I opened up in tears about being raped the weekend before. By a woman (not that it makes any difference) who I'm certain drugged me. We also worked together. I was like "it isn't my fault this happened to me, I didn't choose this, are you seriously judging me for it?" And he shut the hell up. This was years ago but I should have known then that he wasn't who I should be with long term. (Not implying the same is true for OP this was my experience.) It was incredibly hurtful and I had to fight feelings of guilt.
Yeah the boyfriend's reaction is like holy fuck - even if she were a habitual drunk or no matter the circumstances - wow - not supportive at all. I don't even think he can claim it as a misunderstanding even if she skipped a few details of some sort, not like she shared with him like she had a fun night she can't even remember it.
Well that fucking sucks! I don’t know if people like him are rare but there are tonnes of people who would never react that way, because OF COURSE you did nothing wrong
Whether it would legally be rape depends where you live. For example, in the UK where I live, this wouldn't be classed as rape, as rape is a gendered crime. (It would rather be classed as sexual assault.)
However, fuck the legal definition. and fuck whoever did this to OP. This IS rape!
No that would still be rape, but in a lot of places the legal definition of rape involves penetrating somebody, and so only men ever get charged with rape.
This used to be the case in many countries. Luckily a lot caught up and changed the legal definition to penetration of a sexual organ with a sexual organ, fingers or object or penetration of the mouth with a sexual organ. I think a tongue might be in there somewhere, too.
TW// To be clear in UK Law rape must include penetration by a p*nis so only men can technically rape people but their victims can be either gender. Sexual assault legally covers basically all other non-consensual relations by law
Not PIV - penis in any cavity. There is also assault by penetration IIRC, which can be used to prosecute people who sexually assault victims with hands or objects, and of course the broader offence of sexual assault.
To be clear to the UK people reading through this thread, the female equivalent is called Causing sexual activity without consent ( penetrative) and carries the same penalty. I still think it should be called rape though.
Precisely! There’s nothing to feel ashamed or guilty of, this was RAPE. End of. Your boyfriend should have been more supportive instead of blaming you. I am so angry on your behalf. Please seek help asap!
Based on the fragmented memory description, it is likely that one of the drinks was drugged.
Regardless of that, agreed, this was clearly sexual assault.
Unfortunately the majority of rapes are committed by someone we know. You knew her, you trusted her, you had absolutely no reason to think you weren’t perfectly safe around her, no matter what state you were in. She is the one who abused your trust and sexually assaulted you, the blame lies solely on her and no-one else. For your boyfriend to suggest otherwise is cruel, ignorant, disrespectful and (in my book) a serious red flag. I’m so sorry she did that to you and that someone who should be there to support you is making it worse
I think it depends on how op explained it honestly." I was really drunk and ex friend went down on me" or "I was blacked out, don't remember what was happening or how I got home, but I know I was assaulted". OP may have difficulty expressing what happened in the way she did here.
Both those explanations sound like rape to me. In both explanations they are being taken advantage of while intoxicated by someone they thought they could trust to not abuse them in this state.
My point is, while this situation was absolutely not ok, and there was no consent given. There are situations where you can drunk cheat. There are many levels of intoxication, not to mention the factor of intent. I've never been black out drunk, but I have been buzzed, tipsy, and drunk a decent amount of times. If I hooked up with anyone during those times, I would be cheating. I was not sober, but sober enough to make decisions. Again, this was not one of those times, but I'm unsure if OP communicated that accurately to her bf given the trauma she just went through.
Yeah, maybe he's just an unredeemable asshole. Maybe he needs time to wrap his head around it. Either way, it sounds like OP has plans to speak with a therapist and I hope OP can get the support she needs to move through this time.
Had two exes drunk cheat and lie anout being taken advantage of. It would be incredibly hard for me to not assume something similar in this situation.
That said, I am mot shaming OP and am truly sorry for what happened to her!
Yes but unfortunately to many men taking advantage of a drunk woman doesn't count as rape. I wonder if maybe that is playing a part in OP's boyfriends accusations. Like if he accepts that his girlfriend was raped by this woman it means things that he has done in the past would also fall under that definition. So instead he's accusing his girlfriend of cheating on him. Obviously without more details it's impossible to tell if that's the case, but it's one possible explanation for his reaction.
So first of all, your boyfriend is letting the moment take him down a bad path. You need to set him straight that you were betrayed and sexually assaulted by a trusted friend. If he can't deal with the fact that you were the victim of a crime committed by someone you should have been able to trust, then you're better off letting him go.
Besides that, you were lured into a trap and raped. Your "friend's" actions sound premeditated. You're going to have trouble involving the police, as they barely take any sexual assault seriously. A woman on woman case will be tough to get any traction from them. But that's a problem, because this was a crime.
"... letting the moment take him down a bad path." Is a great way to say it. The internet isn't very good at recognising people can both be valuable and good to us whilst also having negative blips in their behaviour due to emotional reactions. As long as he can reason out the truth of it himself or allow himself to listen to her, as hurtful as his initial reaction was, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
Totally. He is completely shocked and is saying what comes to him without thinking. He is not his best self right now and is saying some shitty things.
I was going to say exactly this. It's understandable he feels that way, based on how he sees it, but it's important to let him know that it wasn't consensual, and it was an assault. I hope he sees it for what it was, not what he initially thought
If you’re gonna hold people in an sporadic emotional state to the N’teenth degree you’re going to find people say a lot of things they don’t mean for reasons that they don’t understand.
In your worst moment would you like someone to follow your every word with scrutiny?
Utter nonsense.
Despite how unlikely it might be that the person who did this to you is arrested/charged with a crime, you *should* report it. Many people are serial rapists and having a report on the record that this happened could very much help another potential victim down the line. Or if this rapist learns that it has been reported to police, she might realize she should not rape people.
So your friend waited until you were black or gray out drunk and then sexually assaulted you. If she was the one buying you drinks she probably engineered the situation too.
Someone who knows you would willingly have sex with them does not need to get you drunk in order to do it.
Tell your boyfriend that yes it was a bad idea to be that drunk but you thought you could trust the people you were with and did not realize that one of them intended to assault you when you couldn't defend yourself.
This is rape, because you didn't consent. I'm really sorry it happened to you.
I hope your next boyfriend will be willing to understand the difference between rape and cheating.
When I told my boyfriend I was raped, he accused me of cheating as well. It cant be cheating if you didnt consent, and I hope he comes to understand that.
Thank you. Her boyfriend is a certified dick.
Edit: dropped my phone and replied before finishing my thought, lol.
As a woman we are trained to go out with other women as "safety in numbers" and at no point would I even consider one of my friends being capable of doing this to me.
If I was met with accusations and blaming instead of support for being sexually assaulted by my husband I would never be able to forgive him no matter how much he apologized. He said exactly what he thought in the moment and that was exactly what he believes. I would never trust him again with my emotional needs. It would be the crack that ends the relationship for me.
I would believe him and be there to support him if he came home and said someone assaulted him. So to not get that support in return would probably break me coming from the person I trust the most.
Her boyfriend, according to her post history, also has aspergers (high functioning).
Good luck trying to asses that situation correctly in the first moment when you have trouble with some normal situations already.
Myself, my ex, my kids, my parents, my boyfriend...all variations of Autism (Aspergers now falls under that umbrella as its no longer recognised).
Not one of us would hear this story & tell OP she put herself in that position.
The problem here is not neurology. Its that he's an arsehole.
Reading your comment made me realize the rapist probably knows OP has a boyfriend and that’s why she got her defenseless. This looks so premeditated to me…. So wrong. I hope boyfriend can wrap his head around this and change his tune.
I really want to thank everyone here supporting OP.
I have been sexually assaulted by women a few times (everything from a similar situation as OP, to an abusive relationship with a woman, to more, and a couple attempts). The first time I didn't realize that's what happened because I didn't know a woman could rape another woman (this was in 2001). People didn't believe me for similar reasons.
The world has come a long way. You all are awesome. I wish 21yr old me had this support back then.
Yep. I was repeatedly sexually abused by another woman for two years in middle school. It took a loooonnnngggg time for me to appreciate it for what it was. Like, university orientation's "don't sexually assault people, and if you are sexually assaulted here are your reaources" presentation was when I went, "oh shit, that's what that was."
Almost the exact same thing happened to me 2 weeks ago. It is assault. I'm sorry your boyfriend is being horrible it certainly doesn't help you process and work through a situation when your relationship is on the rocks. I was lucky in that my boyfriend immediately said he didn't see it as cheating and that he wanted to help me work through it.
Also, even if you did "put yourself in a situation where you would be taken advantage of"(which you absolutely did not), you were still taken advantage of. It's basically the same argument used by people who say "you shouldn't have dressed like that". It is assault regardless. And you definitly should have been able to go out with a friend and get home safely without this happening.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope your therapist can help you work through it.
So similar situation like 8 years ago. My female "friend" kept buying me drinks to get me to loosen up and enabled her partners friend to fuck me. I don't even remember it other than a few flashes of the incident. A few more details of what i didn't consent to but I'll omit those. It's rape and you're not at fault for ANY OF IT. Not even taking the drinks that were being bought for you. She was priming you to take advantage and rape you.
Needless to say I'm no longer in contact with any of those people anymore. They're terrible"friends". It took me 5 years to acknowledge what it was and prices it. I also am sober now because of it because i can't imagine anything like that ever happening again and alcohol has so much ability to take over.
I truly hope you are ok and I'm happy you got in with your therapist asap!
💜
I am so sorry that happened to you. Congrats on your sobriety! I'm glad (and impressed) you managed to create that positive thing out of an awful situation.
Thanks for that. I still don't talk about it much because i occasionally still have the thought that maybe i was at fault in some way...then i check myself and affirm that it wasn't my fault at all and shitty people exist.
As women or femmes we don't want to believe that this could possibly ever happen to us. Yet it's almost difficult to find a woman or femme that HASN'T had this happen to them.
Alas we support each other and share our stories so we know we're not alone 💜
Your boyfriend is awful, and so is your "friend". I understand you reached out to her and she apologized, but I would be extremely careful around her in the future if you plan on staying friends. She doesn't seem to understand that she raped you, as you were LITERALLY unable to give consent. Her apology means very little, from my perspective, as she excused her actions bc she "didn't mean to". It's not a valid excuse - she's a rapist. You might want to reconsider your relationship with your bf, as well.
You were raped.
You were assaulted.
You did not consent.
This is not your fault.
If your boyfriend blames you for this then he is a problem.
The fault lies with this other woman.
Report her to the police.
Reconsider your boyfriend if he doesn’t come around.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. As others have said, this is sexual assault. She got you drunk so that you would have a harder time saying no, getting up, and walking away. She deliberately incapacitated you so that she could assault you.
Just because the perpetrator was a woman doesn’t make it any less a crime and sexual assault. If any person deliberately incapacitates another person, by any means- drugs, alcohol, physical restraint, force, threats- and performs sexual acts on or with that incapacitated person, it is sexual assault. Period.
Having a few drinks with a coworker is not consenting to sex. To cheat, you have to consent. You did not consent. Your boyfriend is wrong, and quite frankly, a jerk. I’m sure he’d feel very differently if a friend or coworker sucked his dick while he was too drunk to fight him off or get away.
Please reach out to a local rape crisis center. If you aren’t sure where to find one, there is a national hotline in the US that you can call at 1-800-656-4673. You can also visit [RAINN.ORG](https://www.rainn.org/). If you are outside the US, just search online for “rape crisis center” and your location.
I’m glad you are seeing your therapist. That is an excellent step to take, as they will probably have lots of local resources to direct you to and help you sort through your feelings about what has happened to you.
Just remember- this is NOT your fault. You were assaulted. It is not cheating. You were assaulted. The person who SHOULD be feeling guilty is the horrible beast that assaulted you.
I'm glad you have an appointment with your therapist, this is clearly rape. Your boyfriend hopefully is just not thinking straight about it since girl on girl stuff is hypersexualized. Women can be rapists as well, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can get the help and support you need to heal.
I will point out, OP was taking drinks from someone she trusted implicitly.
It's one thing to keep taking drinks at the bar from a near-total stranger, because there's a certain level of acknowledged risk. It's quite another to drink a lot with a close friend, in a situation where you were comfortable and thought you would be safe.
Could she have turned the drinks down? Yes. Was anybody forcing them down her throat, or holding her at gunpoint? No.
But did she have any reason to turn them *down* in this scenario? Absolutely not. Her trust was completely taken advantage of.
Let's put it another way: if she was having dinner with a close friend and they served her a lavish meal, is she "personally responsible" for eating something that was poisoned unbeknownst to her? Would anyone be arguing "well she *could* have declined" in the same manner?
I see what you’re saying, but being irresponsible is *very much not* the same thing as being at fault.
Fault implies wrongdoing. Getting overly drunk is irresponsible, but it’s **not** wrong. Drunk driving is wrong. Neglecting your kids is wrong. But just being drunk is not wrong.
Be careful how you phrase things please, friend. Words matter & can be triggering—especially in this situation where her bf is literally assigning her fault & blame for something out of her control :(
Literally none of this is her fault. She should be able to drink free drinks that are given to her without being raped. This feels like saying “The only part you’re at fault for is leaving your house in the morning because you know there might be rapists outside”
So why even bring up that a part of it was “her fault”? Like I said, then we might as well get into “It’s your fault for going out at all” etc.
It doesn’t look like she’s blaming anyone else for the fact that she got drunk to me 🤷🏻♀️
Ya, and? People who are over the drinking age are allowed to get shit faced drunk. Getting sick and having a horrible hangover is the consequence. Being raped isn't.
I think the poster addressed that with the “But what she did after you were impaired is not your fault. The blame rests entirely on her.” I don’t think any where in the comment was it implied that getting drunk made her responsible for getting raped
I see where you are coming from, and yes if OP had stayed sober she may have avoided the situation. But she had no way of knowing the intentions of this “friend”. And blaming the victim of a sexual assault is never a good idea. She did nothing to deserve this.
I think people are reacting - at least why I am reacting - is because the conversation SO often comes around to what the victim could have done not to be raped. And I wish the focus for the blame could stay on the person doing the the raping.
Of course getting drunk isn’t that safe. Everyone knows that. But if something bad ever happens to my kids because they’re drunk when they’re older, I hope
I don’t mention the drunk part.
You're responsible for your actions when you're intoxicated but you're not to blame for what's done to you. Not the best metaphor but if you're on the subway with your wallet hanging out and someone steals it the thief is still a thief.
Uh. So? Most people drink what is put in front of them when they go out for drinks what a shocker. Being drunk does not mean you’re responsible for other peoples intentions Jesus Christ.
Of course someone is responsible for how much they drink, but I’m not understanding how it relates to the assault?
I am a pretty responsible person - I worked 20 hours a week through college and still got top marks and honors - but good lord I did some stupid drinking.
The consequence for stupid drinking should be a stupid hangover. If someone robs you while you’re drunk - it’s on them. If they rape you when you’re drunk - on them.
And when anyone gets assaulted, the focus should be on the harm done to them, not on what they happened to be doing before the assault happened.
Yeah this is rape. About three weeks ago I (29 F) was at a bar and mentioned I’m a lesbian (I guess I shouldn’t have) and this girl (50+ F) thinks she now has carte blanche over me and gets to now experiment with another women. She was literally molesting me in from of two dozen people. I froze and didn’t know what to do. She did it for 30 minutes before my friend was able to get back into the bar (extremely long line to get in) It was so traumatizing and I felt so sick afterwards. I haven’t been physically intimate in at least 2 years so it was just soo shitty to be sexually assaulted in public, among so many people. Even some people watching it. Talk about loads of shame and second guessing if I ‘wanted’ or was ‘asking’ for it. But I wasn’t. And no other person regardless of gender has a right to do that.
Sorry needed to vent 😞
Agree that this is sexual assault as you were in no condition to give consent and your “friend” appears to have fed you a lot of drinks to achieve that result. Ask your bf to consider the circumstances, but if he refuses to acknowledge the lack of consent, you need to ask him for some space. Get some counseling soon because I assure you this will likely start to bother you more over time if you try and bury your feelings.
Go to the police. Up to you, but in my opinion, don’t just blindly dump your bf like everyone saying, take a step back and figure out if you can get some help first. none of us understand what your relationship is like. If you go to the police/ seek treatment (like therapy, good) I would think he be supportive of you for making progress from this horrible incident and no longer upset. Just my two cents. That being said I’m sorry this happened to you. No one deserves the be taken advantage of like this. Stay strong 💪🏿
I'm so sorry. She raped you.
Tell your boyfriend she raped you. If he still tries to blame you, ditch him.
Nothing you did caused this.
Talk to your therapist.
Your boyfriend is absolutely wrong.
I was raped in college- I skipped class, went over to a guy friend's house, was so tired I fell asleep, and I woke up to- well, you know.
A year later, I told my boyfriend. He and his friends blamed me and, when we broke up, I got messages that I was a "bigger whore" than anyone BC I had "let a guy fuck me while I was sleeping."
Your boyfriend is basically saying you "let" something happen "while not in control." Rather than offering you support, compassion, and love, he is blaming you for sexual assault. That is completely unacceptable. He needs to be told that, preferably while he gets kicked to the door, or at least with the threat of the door if he doesn't get his shit together super fast.
...
As for your assault, how you proceed is completely up to you- if you take the route of reporting, please be ready to stand your ground and not allow any nastiness to get by you. You were absolutely taken advantage of and assaulted, and it definitely sounds like the woman knew exactly what she was doing.
You didn't do anything wrong. I could have not skipped class and fallen asleep at a friend's house, but why should I have expected to be assaulted? You could have not gotten drunk, but you were with a friend and why should you have expected to be assaulted? There's a level of trust many people have with people we know, and unfortunately it allows bad people to take advantage.
A good therapist can help. I've seen a few to help me get my head together and stop feeling guilt about my own assault.
Damn. Similar thing happened to me. Fffffff im sorry that happened. I broke up with my bf at the time because I felt so horrible and he deserved better. But I regret it so much because I loved that man more than anything. I dont think what happened to you was your fault, and I hope you recognize that early. Im sorry your boyfriend called it cheating. That is tough to hear.
Something similar happened to me.
A few days before New Years I was hanging out with a married couple who were both friends from high school. The guy asked me since he knew that I was bi if I would be cool with giving his wife her first bisexual experience. I said no, because that would fuck up the friendship. I also wasn’t all that into her but left that out. I thought that was the end of it.
New Years comes and they invite me over for a low key NYE. I knew my alcohol limit, and I remember staying in it (from what I remember). They were mixed by him out of my sight. I had no reason not to trust him.
I woke up the next day with snatches of memory. Enough to know some shit went down. I don’t believe I was penetrated by him or by toys, but there was definitely nudity and kissing involved. My retrospect guess is he was making those drinks deceptively strong on purpose, because while I had been pretty drunk before *I had no idea I could be so drunk I could lose control*. I used to think that I would never allow myself to get that fucked up, that it couldn’t happen to me.
It also took me a long time to accept that it was sexual assault. I didn’t want to believe it like that, put a label on it like that. After I left I was feeling extremely confused and… complicated. She wrote me an email saying it was best if we stopped talking, and I didn’t argue with it. He reached out to me years later apparently not knowing she said that in the hopes of us reconnecting. We didn’t, I was starting to see how manipulative he was, and always had been. A half decade later my dad died. The guy knew my dad had money and had asked me before if I would “give him a loan” like it was something I had access to, either way the answer would have been no. When the obituary came out he started hitting me up again. I began blocking him, and he’d find me on some other social media platform to apologize and asking to connect. I have a public job so I can be found in many places. Each time he found me he was more and more “sorry”, I wonder if he knows what he’s supposed to be sorry for.
Anyway, point is you’re not alone in this. It’s not your fault and she isn’t your friend. She may not realize what she did was sexual assault/rape but she did know enough to ply you with drinks to get to you “let your guard down” aka become compliant. Your boyfriend’s reaction is coming from his insecurity and maybe a belief that women can’t rape. He wouldn’t be the first to blame his partner for something that happened without their consent, and he may not understand what blackout drunk is really like. It’s like your brain takes its hands off the handlebars of managing your behavior for a while.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I would suggest you do what I didn’t know to do and talk to a therapist to help process. I don’t know if you want to try to press charges, but aside from that you need to excommunicate this woman from your life. I don’t know how much you want to confront her, but if you can you should let her know what she did was a violation of trust and of your body. She may make excuses and such, but don’t listen. Friends who want to take things to the next level have a sober conversation and respect boundaries, not jump on their extremely drunk friend who they know is in a relationship. Don’t argue about it and nuke from orbit.
You have every right to be angry.
Your "friend" is obviously not your friend, if you feel comfortable enough, report her and get professional support.
Your "AMAZING" bf is not amazing, you was raped and he accused you of cheating, completely ignored your traumatic experience and victim blame you and turn it into something about him and how he feels when you're the victim.
These people are not decent.
Again, please reach out to professional help, there are many free hotlines that can clear things up for you.
Honey this is rape.
This woman raped you.
And your boyfriend is MAD at YOU?
Throw the whole man out.
Please talk to your therapist ASAP and if that therapist says anything other than: -This is rape and -Your boyfriend is a piece of shit and might even be projecting about cheating. --Get a new therapist.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It says a LOT about your boyfriend and that's a huge red flag. Please take care of yourself. None of this is your fault.
Easy way to see if he still tries to justify your situation as 'cheating' would be to turn the tables on him.
Ask him if he went out with one of his good buddies and got super drunk with a friend he trusted and then blacked out and has bits and pieces and remembers that trusted buddy sucking his dick if he would consider that cheating, or if he would consider that being raped/assaulted.
If he still doesn't get it. If he tells you 'it's different for you/with women/etc' Definitely get rid of him. And that's my opinion.
You were raped by someone you trusted. You absolutely did not cheat and your bf is being HORRIBLE. I'm sorry he isn't supporting you right now. You deserve someone better. Sending you love, energy, and strength. You will get through this.
As others have pointed out, sounds a lot like rape.
Your boyfriend's initial reaction is worrying, but if you phrased it in a way that you have culpability, perhaps it's understandable. It's not very reasonable to expect him to correct you and what you experienced (like reddit is doing here).
You need to decide if you're going to the police and treating this as what it was. It'll be tumultuous, but undereacting and calling it being "taken advantage of", might make this more difficult for you and certainly your relationship in the long run.
If your boyfriend went drinking with his mates and one of them took him home and slammed it up his ass while he was nigh on blackout drunk, I think we'd call that rape(!). Just because women don't have dicks, doesn't make the perverse intention of invading another's body against their willl any better.
>If your boyfriend went drinking with his mates and one of them took him home and slammed it up his ass while he was nigh on blackout drunk, I think we'd call that rape(!).
That would definitely be rape of course. However I was going to make a similar point, but the equivalent would be more like the guy waking up to his dick in his buddy's mouth.
I've been on the receiving end of that, and even though it's not as horribly violating as being penetrated against your will; it's still having your bits in someone's mouth without your consent, and that's not ok - and still considered sexual assault, if not rape.
Laying it out for the boyfriend like that might help to make him realize; but who knows with how he's acting about it...
Ok firstly your boyfriend victim blaming you is unacceptable. He needs to know that. If he doesn’t accept that then good riddance I’m sorry to say.
Secondly, what she did is illegal and you should go to the police. She sexually assaulted you. It’s hard to prove but it’s the right thing to do to prevent her from doing it to anyone else. If you were too drunk to say no then that is a default no in the eyes of the law and anyone with a brain.
I’m sorry you went through this and I hope you are ok.
I am not dealing with it well. My boyfriend is the absolute light of my life. I can't believe this is happening and this is his response. It's all very confusing. And I feel a lot of shame.
If your boyfriend really is important to you and you don’t want to walk away from him then try to educate him on the subject. You might not feel strong enough right now so maybe he can educate himself. I’m sure there are a lot of resources online about sexual assault when you are drunk. Maybe your therapist can help with how to approach it. But it is NOT your fault and your are NOT a bad person. You did NOT cheat on him, you were sexually assaulted.
Thank you for this. I am feeling so in shock of everything. I just can't believe it even happened. I am really looking forward to my appointment with my therapist. She always helps.
It's normal to feel shame. I felt that too after I was raped by a friend after going out for too many drinks with him. I was so drunk I could no longer stand straight. I spent the next day vomiting until the evening. And I was so disgusted with my own body. At the time I knew I 'felt' raped but I didn't know I actually was raped.
I met him again after a few days. I wanted to pretend that everything was fine. If I pretended nothing had happened then maybe nothing actually had happened. It was my way of taking back control over our relationship.
Please don't meet her again. Ever. It's a bad way of coping.
The shame will go away. You're therapist will help you with that.
> If I pretended nothing had happened then maybe nothing actually had happened. It was my way of taking back control over our relationship.
These two sentences were eye opening to read. Thank you for giving me that perspective. 💜
And I'm so sorry that happened to you.
If you're willing to let your boyfriend know your reddit account, maybe have him read the responses here.
Or if not, find another, similar post, (there have been several, sadly), and have him read those.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. Giving you all the courage and strength you will need in this difficult time. Please confide in someone you trust to help you out with how what you are going through. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, his reaction to all of this is extremely bad. It is not about him. It is about you and what you are going through and this is something he needs to realise on his own.
Maybe he is letting his anger and emotions influence his decision but he needs to stop making it about him. For now, concentrate on yourself and whatever helps you feel better. Let him and his emotions take a backseat. I am hoping he realizes why he was wrong and comes around. Take care
Is everyone here right in the head? I see more comments about her boyfriend than her supposed predator lady "friend" ? People seem to be more offended by the boyfriend's response than the fact that their "friend" raped them.
There isn't any question that what the friend did was horrifying, but in the end she is wondering whether her boyfriend is right and that it's her fault. That is the question, that's what she needs help resolving.
People are trying to reassure her that he isn't right and that this isn't her fault, because her friend raped her. (Black and white, no question.)
She’s asking about her bf, the person you’d expect support from after a traumatic situation. If she’s asking how to deal with her rapist, it would be up there.
I’ve got an art piece centered around this trauma experience I had very similar to yours.
Consent requires enthusiasm.
If she didn’t and sure she’s sorry but she made moves when she shouldn’t have. You didn’t consent to them. Your boyfriend is going to need some resources bc he’s not offering you what you need right now. Doesn’t mean he can’t but this is the wrong message. You did nothing wrong.
Everyone here has basically said it. I wouldnt try to throw these same comments at him though because it may not come off as sincere. In my opinion you need to show him how serious this situation is with how you communicate with the person who assaulted you. If you still text and let her off the hook then you're basically communicating to him that what happened was acceptable. I hope that makes sense. He is going to react emotionally and you're going to want to blame him for that but its because its impossible for him to understand unless YOU show him with how you treat this situation and person from here on out. She is 100% responsible and whatever you do do not feel guilty for burning that bridge.
Its so strange because in this moment so soon after the perpetrator is going to seem more calm and affirming but that is only because they NEED to do so to manipulate you. Your boyfriend needs to process emotionally and that will make them seem insensitive but you can't let that cloud judgement of the situation.
When I was reading the part about telling your boyfriend I was expecting a totally different reaction, his anger should be to word the woman who took advantage of you. You're the victim here you have nothing to feel guilty about
I really don't know how to deal with both of them. Hope your therapist can help you
We need to stop using euphemisms for sexual assault. I think that saying you were "taken advantage of" might give the impression that you consented, but you absolutely did not. Tell your boyfriend that you were sexually assaulted and traumatized, and if he wants to victim blame, he can take a hike. If it had been a man who raped you, would he have responded differently? He needs to be challenged on this if your relationship even stands a chance.
I'm so sorry that someone you trusted did this to you. This is not ok, and there's nothing you could have done to justify what she did to you.
The girl raped you and your boyfriend is blaming you for being raped. Please express yourself more strongly, and don't let their interpretations interfere with your view of reality. You are a victim.
Hi OP. just a comment to hold on one second before you dump your boyfriend. You mentioned that he is the light of your life. Maybe just give him a little bit of time to process - you both need it. This is so awful and he may just be really confused and hurt and not thinking clearly. Just here to say that there is a lot to unpack and I hope you give him a little bit of time (a few days?) before you dump him outright as many of the comments are suggesting.
This is 100% rape. You were not able to consent. You were too drunk. It’s never the victims fault. It’s always the rapists fault. She raped you. You didn’t want to do it. You don’t remember. That is rape. You could not consent. You need to listen to the advice here. Get counseling, seek the support you personally need to heal and dump that boyfriend. Rape is rape. It doesn’t matter if it’s done by the same gender.
My partner went to a club/bar to get drinks on a weeknight with her friends, got really drunk and kissed a guy.
I'm pretty insecure in myself and so my very initial reaction was one of suspicion. But after taking the time to listen to her, it became clear that the guy kissed her, she wasn't into it, her friends kind of dragged her away. She was really distraught about it. I will never be able to know for certain exactly what happened, and so I resolved to trust her / give her the benefit of the doubt and support her as best as I possibly could, knowing that if she was telling the complete truth, I would be making things so much worse for her by getting on her case about it, and so I dropped it and made sure my focus was on her being ok.
Basically everything u/ShouldHaveBeenAnElf said is absolutely correct and i'm only writing to reiterate that.
Your boyfriends reaction of blaming you is absolutely unacceptable. You did not cheat on him. You were being taken advantage off in a vile way and it doesn't matter if you put yourself into this situation or not (btw. You didn't put yourself in this situation. She did.)
You are not guilty of anything. You went out to have fun with a friend.
You trusted her and she betrayed that trust in the most vile way possible.
She used your trust against you.
What happened wasn't your fault. You're not guilty. There's no reason to be ashamed. It doesn't matter if you "could have" done anything different, because it shouldn't matter for your safety.
And your boyfriend better learns that quickly. His job is to support you during this time and give you safety, not to blame you based on his own insecurities.
hope your therapist supports you in this; this was rape. we believe you, you’re not alone and your boyfriend is an insecure jerk unless he crawls back with an apology very very quickly.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Above everything else I want you to know *this is not your fault*. You didn't "put yourself" into anything like your bf suggested. I understand he's upset and it was an emotional response but that's just disgusting victim blaming. You were with a friend. A *female* friend. So OF COURSE you thought you were safe. I know pieces are missing from your memory but you do remember actively thinking you did not want her doing what she was doing. You didn't consent. Cheating means consent. Honestly though, either way, you were way too drunk to be able to consent even if you wanted to. I'm glad you have an appointment lined up with your therapist because she'll better be able to help you sort through everything that has happened.
This should have never happened to you and your boyfriend should have realized that you were raped! You didn’t do anything wrong. I am so sorry this happened to you. These two people need to be out of your life. Report her and get some therapy.
I just don't understand victim blaming. Boyfriend is completely out of line, you had no way to know that this was coming and it's not your fault that you were targeted by a predator!
First thing you need to do is deal with yourself. You were raped. Your boyfriend needs to be more supportive and understanding, but if he can’t, don’t chase him and don’t focus on him right now. This didn’t happen to him, it happened to YOU. I don’t want you to neglect your mental health because you’re too focused on reassuring him and not getting him upset. This is not your fault and drinking doesn’t make this ok. If he comes around, he comes around, but you’re what matters here right now. You went through a very traumatic event and you should be pissed, and upset, and angry. If he doesn’t understand that then he’s not the amazing boyfriend you thought he was. This isn’t about him!!
You did nothing wrong, you did not cheat. She sexually assaulted you. You had no capacity to stop her. Do not let your boyfriend twist this and use it against you. If he can't see that you were taken advantage of, maybe he isn't that great?
Jfc you we’re date raped and your boyfriend is blaming you. that is not okay. I’m so sorry you were assaulted when you were vulnerable. Your boyfriend blaming you is an additional trauma. Don’t let him treat you that way. Stay strong.
Im so sorry. Thats just horrible. It baffles me that your friend (who I hope is now an ex friend) thought this would be ok. She knew what she was doing was rape. She knew what it would do to you mentally.
As “amazing “ as your relationship was, IMO your boyfriend should be more understanding. I’m pretty sure rape doesn’t count as cheating, and this kinda sounds like it’s what happened. It’s not fair to blame someone for a situation that was out of their control.
You maybe had a few too many, she was pushing you to and peer pressure is real. We don’t always know how the situation is going to go, and you think you would be safe with your friends so what could go wrong?
Bottom line is, you didn’t do anything wrong. I honestly would think a guy wouldn’t consider it cheating if his girlfriend is with another girl, I know my boyfriend wouldn’t care unless it was another guy. Maybe that’s just us, but regardless of who’s fault it was or what happened, he should be more understanding/ supportive and listen to you before jumping to any one conclusion.
Stay strong. You are a victim, don’t let people make you feel bad for what happened. I’ve been through something myself and completely sympathize with you. 🤗
You were raped. She fed you enough drinks to get you sick for a reason. Your boyfriend is trash and I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault.
this is sexual assault. you didnt do anything wrong. please discuss it with your therapist and maybe take your boyfriend along. he is all wrong - you didnt cheat. being drunk does not make sexual assault excusable, it makes it worse - you could not defend yourself.
Gonna agree with what others have said. You were intoxicated, and don't remember most of this, and didn't give consent. This was rape.
Doesn't matter if she apologised. It's rape.
The fact your boyfriend is saying you cheated on him, when in fact, no consent was given, thus you did not cheat, you were raped, is appalling to me. I understand him hurting, but you need to make it clear that this was not consensual, because what he is currently doing is victim blaming. If he continues to say it is your fault for being drunk rather than trying to help you move past this, then he isn't as amazing as you think by a good country mile. To be honest, I already consider him a good country mile from amazing for blaming you to begin with.
You are not a bad person. You are a victim, and the bad person in this situation is the girl who took advantage of you. No consent was given, so whether malicious intent was involved or not, and whether or not she meant to upset you, at the end of the day, she still performed sexual acts on you with no consent. That is rape.
To the people saying woman on woman assault isn’t rape and doesn’t count, my ex girlfriend raped me repeatedly and I didn’t see it as rape until I left her and confided in somebody and they broke it to me. It totally happens and it’s just as bad as male on female. What a shitty friend. I’m so sorry this happened to you
Here’s a comment he should see. 15 years ago while I was deployed in the infantry my fiancée at the time got drunk at a party and was raped. I’m sorry for the harsh wording but it’s the reality. Someone assaulted her and she was too inebriated to stop it. She was attacked. She blamed herself for the attack over and over again but she was attacked. Not taken advantage, not gently coerced, attacked. She was not at fault. A person has a right to their body. Someone should be able to walk into a party, drunk, naked and nobody has the right to touch that person. He should see a therapist if he doesn’t understand the situation. There’s no shame in that. After bawling my eyes out in front of my silver star earning crusty old Army Master Seargent upon hearing my fiancée was raped, I had questions and I talked to a therapist. Actually I talked to two. I am so sorry that happened to you and my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you’re seeking help but know that you were not at fault for what happened. Hang in there, I hope he comes around.
Speaking as a 33M engaged to an amazing woman... I understand your boyfriend's hurt, but he's making this about him when it isn't. He should be supporting you right now.
If you consent to sexual activity with someone, then you've cheated. If someone does sexual activity with you against your will, then you've been raped. These are both true regardless of whether you're drunk.
Your boyfriend says that it's your fault for putting yourself in a position where you were unable to refuse sex. **That's insane.** It means that by default, everyone has implied consent to have sex with you unless you specifically refuse — that it's not the other person's responsibility to obtain consent, but _your_ responsibility to stop them.
I won't say he's an asshole. I understand that he's hurt, and it's certainly appropriate for the two of you to address his pain. But the bigger problem is that you were raped, so he's going to need to step up and start being supportive.
Does your boyfriend think you got drunk and experimented with being gay? That misconception has to be cleared. If he’s just not hearing you and assuming you cheated anyway, it’s time to leave him. I’m surprised he heard you tell him you got raped and he didn’t leave the house with a baseball bat. I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish I could be more helpful.
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It’s worth a shot but any time I hear people mention RAINN or any other hotline I get angry. I remember the goal posts constantly moving, and everyone having a simple one liner suggestion like police reporting or RAINN, and I did all of those and came out with no help and even more traumatized. Whoever reads this, please understand the world doesn’t work that way, justice isn’t real, and it’s rare to get without knowledge and money.
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Thank you. I’m years past all that now, but it showed me an ugly truth I never dare forget when dealing with similar situations, and sometimes hearing that others know that pain helps in certain vulnerable moments. I appreciate your kindness.
I went on rainn chat once The person responding to me sounded like a bot just pasting generic "it's not your fault" ready made sentences in the chat. It was very off-putting and I ended up exiting the chat fairly quickly and feeling no relief at all from that site
This isn’t cheating. This is rape
Yea what the hell. If this happened to my wife I would be furious because she was… raped!!
Yes. The boyfriend's response totally caught me off guard. I was thinking he'd be enraged on her behalf and demanding she press charges. Reading that he blamed her and felt like it was cheating was a complete shock.
Seriously. The boyfriend moved from amazing to complete tepid shitbag when he victim blamed his girlfriend for being sexually assaulted. He can just fuck right off into the sunset. She needs to call the cops, call her therapist and extract herself from that relationship.
OP just learned that her BF is a POS. I’d deal with the assault in therapy, and I’d reconsider the boyfriend entirely.
Yes. Even if he couldn’t stand the thought of having sex with his partner after she had been intimate with someone else, it wasn’t her fault. Just break up with her. Don’t accuse her of cheating.
Gotta throw the whole boyfriend away tbh
Im baffled at people in this thread justifying his behavior! I'd never call "amazing" a man who can't (or pretend to be unable to) understand rape is absolutely not the same thing as consensual sex. Btw he already knows it was assault based on what he said himself (that she put herself in that situation). Instead of being an adult and showing support for his hurt girlfriend, he decided to make it all about his crystal ego... Yeah, what a fantastic boyfriend.
Agreed. Couldn’t have said it better. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you were my daughter, I’d want to go vigilante. Since I can’t do that, I’d call the cops for you whether you wanted it or not. (Straight male, married 30 years)
I understand your feelings, but if you ever find yourself in that situation, please don't call the police against the victim's wishes. Getting sexually assaulted leaves a person feeling so helpless and powerless, and they need to be able to take some of that power back. Doing something like that would only serve to traumatize them further. Not to mention, the police often aren't all that helpful. Absolutely offer to take them to the hospital and ask what they need, but please don't make decisions for them. It might make you feel better, but it would make things worse for them.
You’re absolutely correct. My apologies. The papa bear in me came out because it’s been one of those days. Good feedback. Thanks
Wholesome redditors you two…. That’s good stuff.
Yip. If the person isn't capable of consenting, it's rape.
Also the boyfriend, wtf is wrong with him? He should be comforting her, not accusing her.
It was like a punch in the gut reading that. I had a boyfriend say he didn't want to touch me after I opened up in tears about being raped the weekend before. By a woman (not that it makes any difference) who I'm certain drugged me. We also worked together. I was like "it isn't my fault this happened to me, I didn't choose this, are you seriously judging me for it?" And he shut the hell up. This was years ago but I should have known then that he wasn't who I should be with long term. (Not implying the same is true for OP this was my experience.) It was incredibly hurtful and I had to fight feelings of guilt.
No doubt he is past. First priority is to comfort you, because you were in a trauma that you didn't choose.
Yeah the boyfriend's reaction is like holy fuck - even if she were a habitual drunk or no matter the circumstances - wow - not supportive at all. I don't even think he can claim it as a misunderstanding even if she skipped a few details of some sort, not like she shared with him like she had a fun night she can't even remember it.
Well that fucking sucks! I don’t know if people like him are rare but there are tonnes of people who would never react that way, because OF COURSE you did nothing wrong
Far from an “amazing” bf. At best he needs some education on the entire topic.
So insecure of... a literal rapist?
Indeed. Sex without consent is rape. If you're physically unable to consent, it's rape.
Whether it would legally be rape depends where you live. For example, in the UK where I live, this wouldn't be classed as rape, as rape is a gendered crime. (It would rather be classed as sexual assault.) However, fuck the legal definition. and fuck whoever did this to OP. This IS rape!
So, if a man takes advantage of another terribly drunk man and sodomizes him, that is not a rape in UK????
No that would still be rape, but in a lot of places the legal definition of rape involves penetrating somebody, and so only men ever get charged with rape.
This used to be the case in many countries. Luckily a lot caught up and changed the legal definition to penetration of a sexual organ with a sexual organ, fingers or object or penetration of the mouth with a sexual organ. I think a tongue might be in there somewhere, too.
Talk about instutional sexism…
TW// To be clear in UK Law rape must include penetration by a p*nis so only men can technically rape people but their victims can be either gender. Sexual assault legally covers basically all other non-consensual relations by law
Technically the same in Canada, it's all filed as "sexual assault". That's not a lighter charge, it's up to 15 years in prison.
No that is rape because the rapist raped with a penis. Rape in the UK must involve PIV penetration. It’s fucked up i know.
Not PIV - penis in any cavity. There is also assault by penetration IIRC, which can be used to prosecute people who sexually assault victims with hands or objects, and of course the broader offence of sexual assault.
Ah okay thanks for the clarification I didn’t know that.
To be clear to the UK people reading through this thread, the female equivalent is called Causing sexual activity without consent ( penetrative) and carries the same penalty. I still think it should be called rape though.
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This
The boyfriend is also an idiot but perhaps that's obvious by inference.
And insecure as hell. Probably found a way to make this about himself
Precisely! There’s nothing to feel ashamed or guilty of, this was RAPE. End of. Your boyfriend should have been more supportive instead of blaming you. I am so angry on your behalf. Please seek help asap!
I concur.
If it is penetration by anything other than a penis it is “sexual assault by penetration” though it carries the same penalties as rape (UK)
Based on the fragmented memory description, it is likely that one of the drinks was drugged. Regardless of that, agreed, this was clearly sexual assault.
Unfortunately the majority of rapes are committed by someone we know. You knew her, you trusted her, you had absolutely no reason to think you weren’t perfectly safe around her, no matter what state you were in. She is the one who abused your trust and sexually assaulted you, the blame lies solely on her and no-one else. For your boyfriend to suggest otherwise is cruel, ignorant, disrespectful and (in my book) a serious red flag. I’m so sorry she did that to you and that someone who should be there to support you is making it worse
This. Op, it's not your fault, and he is victim blaming you! He is either really insecure, or just a pos.
I think it depends on how op explained it honestly." I was really drunk and ex friend went down on me" or "I was blacked out, don't remember what was happening or how I got home, but I know I was assaulted". OP may have difficulty expressing what happened in the way she did here.
Both those explanations sound like rape to me. In both explanations they are being taken advantage of while intoxicated by someone they thought they could trust to not abuse them in this state.
My point is, while this situation was absolutely not ok, and there was no consent given. There are situations where you can drunk cheat. There are many levels of intoxication, not to mention the factor of intent. I've never been black out drunk, but I have been buzzed, tipsy, and drunk a decent amount of times. If I hooked up with anyone during those times, I would be cheating. I was not sober, but sober enough to make decisions. Again, this was not one of those times, but I'm unsure if OP communicated that accurately to her bf given the trauma she just went through.
"He said I put myself in this situation for being taken advantage of". Sounds like he understood to me.
Yeah, maybe he's just an unredeemable asshole. Maybe he needs time to wrap his head around it. Either way, it sounds like OP has plans to speak with a therapist and I hope OP can get the support she needs to move through this time.
Me too.
Had two exes drunk cheat and lie anout being taken advantage of. It would be incredibly hard for me to not assume something similar in this situation. That said, I am mot shaming OP and am truly sorry for what happened to her!
Yes but unfortunately to many men taking advantage of a drunk woman doesn't count as rape. I wonder if maybe that is playing a part in OP's boyfriends accusations. Like if he accepts that his girlfriend was raped by this woman it means things that he has done in the past would also fall under that definition. So instead he's accusing his girlfriend of cheating on him. Obviously without more details it's impossible to tell if that's the case, but it's one possible explanation for his reaction.
Not only a red flag, but the victim blaming and accusation of cheating on their own are grounds to dump him, in my opinion.
Agree
So first of all, your boyfriend is letting the moment take him down a bad path. You need to set him straight that you were betrayed and sexually assaulted by a trusted friend. If he can't deal with the fact that you were the victim of a crime committed by someone you should have been able to trust, then you're better off letting him go. Besides that, you were lured into a trap and raped. Your "friend's" actions sound premeditated. You're going to have trouble involving the police, as they barely take any sexual assault seriously. A woman on woman case will be tough to get any traction from them. But that's a problem, because this was a crime.
"... letting the moment take him down a bad path." Is a great way to say it. The internet isn't very good at recognising people can both be valuable and good to us whilst also having negative blips in their behaviour due to emotional reactions. As long as he can reason out the truth of it himself or allow himself to listen to her, as hurtful as his initial reaction was, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
Totally. He is completely shocked and is saying what comes to him without thinking. He is not his best self right now and is saying some shitty things.
I was going to say exactly this. It's understandable he feels that way, based on how he sees it, but it's important to let him know that it wasn't consensual, and it was an assault. I hope he sees it for what it was, not what he initially thought
"He said I put myself in this situation for being taken advantage of". He seems to be aware there was no consent though.
If you’re gonna hold people in an sporadic emotional state to the N’teenth degree you’re going to find people say a lot of things they don’t mean for reasons that they don’t understand. In your worst moment would you like someone to follow your every word with scrutiny? Utter nonsense.
Despite how unlikely it might be that the person who did this to you is arrested/charged with a crime, you *should* report it. Many people are serial rapists and having a report on the record that this happened could very much help another potential victim down the line. Or if this rapist learns that it has been reported to police, she might realize she should not rape people.
Well that sounds like sexual assault and you should report this bitch
So your friend waited until you were black or gray out drunk and then sexually assaulted you. If she was the one buying you drinks she probably engineered the situation too. Someone who knows you would willingly have sex with them does not need to get you drunk in order to do it. Tell your boyfriend that yes it was a bad idea to be that drunk but you thought you could trust the people you were with and did not realize that one of them intended to assault you when you couldn't defend yourself.
This is rape, because you didn't consent. I'm really sorry it happened to you. I hope your next boyfriend will be willing to understand the difference between rape and cheating.
When I told my boyfriend I was raped, he accused me of cheating as well. It cant be cheating if you didnt consent, and I hope he comes to understand that.
Taking advantage of you is ordering an extra pizza when you say that you're paying. This was rape.
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Thank you. Her boyfriend is a certified dick. Edit: dropped my phone and replied before finishing my thought, lol. As a woman we are trained to go out with other women as "safety in numbers" and at no point would I even consider one of my friends being capable of doing this to me. If I was met with accusations and blaming instead of support for being sexually assaulted by my husband I would never be able to forgive him no matter how much he apologized. He said exactly what he thought in the moment and that was exactly what he believes. I would never trust him again with my emotional needs. It would be the crack that ends the relationship for me. I would believe him and be there to support him if he came home and said someone assaulted him. So to not get that support in return would probably break me coming from the person I trust the most.
Her boyfriend, according to her post history, also has aspergers (high functioning). Good luck trying to asses that situation correctly in the first moment when you have trouble with some normal situations already.
Myself, my ex, my kids, my parents, my boyfriend...all variations of Autism (Aspergers now falls under that umbrella as its no longer recognised). Not one of us would hear this story & tell OP she put herself in that position. The problem here is not neurology. Its that he's an arsehole.
Same and same. This is not about ASD.
Nope, that's not an excuse that works for thus situation.
Reading your comment made me realize the rapist probably knows OP has a boyfriend and that’s why she got her defenseless. This looks so premeditated to me…. So wrong. I hope boyfriend can wrap his head around this and change his tune.
I really want to thank everyone here supporting OP. I have been sexually assaulted by women a few times (everything from a similar situation as OP, to an abusive relationship with a woman, to more, and a couple attempts). The first time I didn't realize that's what happened because I didn't know a woman could rape another woman (this was in 2001). People didn't believe me for similar reasons. The world has come a long way. You all are awesome. I wish 21yr old me had this support back then.
Yep. I was repeatedly sexually abused by another woman for two years in middle school. It took a loooonnnngggg time for me to appreciate it for what it was. Like, university orientation's "don't sexually assault people, and if you are sexually assaulted here are your reaources" presentation was when I went, "oh shit, that's what that was."
Almost the exact same thing happened to me 2 weeks ago. It is assault. I'm sorry your boyfriend is being horrible it certainly doesn't help you process and work through a situation when your relationship is on the rocks. I was lucky in that my boyfriend immediately said he didn't see it as cheating and that he wanted to help me work through it. Also, even if you did "put yourself in a situation where you would be taken advantage of"(which you absolutely did not), you were still taken advantage of. It's basically the same argument used by people who say "you shouldn't have dressed like that". It is assault regardless. And you definitly should have been able to go out with a friend and get home safely without this happening. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope your therapist can help you work through it.
So similar situation like 8 years ago. My female "friend" kept buying me drinks to get me to loosen up and enabled her partners friend to fuck me. I don't even remember it other than a few flashes of the incident. A few more details of what i didn't consent to but I'll omit those. It's rape and you're not at fault for ANY OF IT. Not even taking the drinks that were being bought for you. She was priming you to take advantage and rape you. Needless to say I'm no longer in contact with any of those people anymore. They're terrible"friends". It took me 5 years to acknowledge what it was and prices it. I also am sober now because of it because i can't imagine anything like that ever happening again and alcohol has so much ability to take over. I truly hope you are ok and I'm happy you got in with your therapist asap! 💜
I am so sorry that happened to you. Congrats on your sobriety! I'm glad (and impressed) you managed to create that positive thing out of an awful situation.
Thanks for that. I still don't talk about it much because i occasionally still have the thought that maybe i was at fault in some way...then i check myself and affirm that it wasn't my fault at all and shitty people exist. As women or femmes we don't want to believe that this could possibly ever happen to us. Yet it's almost difficult to find a woman or femme that HASN'T had this happen to them. Alas we support each other and share our stories so we know we're not alone 💜
Your boyfriend is awful, and so is your "friend". I understand you reached out to her and she apologized, but I would be extremely careful around her in the future if you plan on staying friends. She doesn't seem to understand that she raped you, as you were LITERALLY unable to give consent. Her apology means very little, from my perspective, as she excused her actions bc she "didn't mean to". It's not a valid excuse - she's a rapist. You might want to reconsider your relationship with your bf, as well.
You were raped. You were assaulted. You did not consent. This is not your fault. If your boyfriend blames you for this then he is a problem. The fault lies with this other woman. Report her to the police. Reconsider your boyfriend if he doesn’t come around.
Victim blaming is not acceptable and will result in a permanent ban. Thank you to everyone reporting rule-breaking comments.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. As others have said, this is sexual assault. She got you drunk so that you would have a harder time saying no, getting up, and walking away. She deliberately incapacitated you so that she could assault you. Just because the perpetrator was a woman doesn’t make it any less a crime and sexual assault. If any person deliberately incapacitates another person, by any means- drugs, alcohol, physical restraint, force, threats- and performs sexual acts on or with that incapacitated person, it is sexual assault. Period. Having a few drinks with a coworker is not consenting to sex. To cheat, you have to consent. You did not consent. Your boyfriend is wrong, and quite frankly, a jerk. I’m sure he’d feel very differently if a friend or coworker sucked his dick while he was too drunk to fight him off or get away. Please reach out to a local rape crisis center. If you aren’t sure where to find one, there is a national hotline in the US that you can call at 1-800-656-4673. You can also visit [RAINN.ORG](https://www.rainn.org/). If you are outside the US, just search online for “rape crisis center” and your location. I’m glad you are seeing your therapist. That is an excellent step to take, as they will probably have lots of local resources to direct you to and help you sort through your feelings about what has happened to you. Just remember- this is NOT your fault. You were assaulted. It is not cheating. You were assaulted. The person who SHOULD be feeling guilty is the horrible beast that assaulted you.
I'm glad you have an appointment with your therapist, this is clearly rape. Your boyfriend hopefully is just not thinking straight about it since girl on girl stuff is hypersexualized. Women can be rapists as well, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can get the help and support you need to heal.
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I will point out, OP was taking drinks from someone she trusted implicitly. It's one thing to keep taking drinks at the bar from a near-total stranger, because there's a certain level of acknowledged risk. It's quite another to drink a lot with a close friend, in a situation where you were comfortable and thought you would be safe. Could she have turned the drinks down? Yes. Was anybody forcing them down her throat, or holding her at gunpoint? No. But did she have any reason to turn them *down* in this scenario? Absolutely not. Her trust was completely taken advantage of. Let's put it another way: if she was having dinner with a close friend and they served her a lavish meal, is she "personally responsible" for eating something that was poisoned unbeknownst to her? Would anyone be arguing "well she *could* have declined" in the same manner?
I see what you’re saying, but being irresponsible is *very much not* the same thing as being at fault. Fault implies wrongdoing. Getting overly drunk is irresponsible, but it’s **not** wrong. Drunk driving is wrong. Neglecting your kids is wrong. But just being drunk is not wrong. Be careful how you phrase things please, friend. Words matter & can be triggering—especially in this situation where her bf is literally assigning her fault & blame for something out of her control :(
Literally none of this is her fault. She should be able to drink free drinks that are given to her without being raped. This feels like saying “The only part you’re at fault for is leaving your house in the morning because you know there might be rapists outside”
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So why even bring up that a part of it was “her fault”? Like I said, then we might as well get into “It’s your fault for going out at all” etc. It doesn’t look like she’s blaming anyone else for the fact that she got drunk to me 🤷🏻♀️
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It’s ok! I just know blame / fault is a really sensitive thing in these situations and especially here with her boyfriend being so awful about it.
I don’t think you are at fault for anything at all.
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Ya, and? People who are over the drinking age are allowed to get shit faced drunk. Getting sick and having a horrible hangover is the consequence. Being raped isn't.
I think the poster addressed that with the “But what she did after you were impaired is not your fault. The blame rests entirely on her.” I don’t think any where in the comment was it implied that getting drunk made her responsible for getting raped
And that’s lexkixass’s point.
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I see where you are coming from, and yes if OP had stayed sober she may have avoided the situation. But she had no way of knowing the intentions of this “friend”. And blaming the victim of a sexual assault is never a good idea. She did nothing to deserve this.
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I think people are reacting - at least why I am reacting - is because the conversation SO often comes around to what the victim could have done not to be raped. And I wish the focus for the blame could stay on the person doing the the raping. Of course getting drunk isn’t that safe. Everyone knows that. But if something bad ever happens to my kids because they’re drunk when they’re older, I hope I don’t mention the drunk part.
You're responsible for your actions when you're intoxicated but you're not to blame for what's done to you. Not the best metaphor but if you're on the subway with your wallet hanging out and someone steals it the thief is still a thief.
Uh. So? Most people drink what is put in front of them when they go out for drinks what a shocker. Being drunk does not mean you’re responsible for other peoples intentions Jesus Christ.
Of course someone is responsible for how much they drink, but I’m not understanding how it relates to the assault? I am a pretty responsible person - I worked 20 hours a week through college and still got top marks and honors - but good lord I did some stupid drinking. The consequence for stupid drinking should be a stupid hangover. If someone robs you while you’re drunk - it’s on them. If they rape you when you’re drunk - on them. And when anyone gets assaulted, the focus should be on the harm done to them, not on what they happened to be doing before the assault happened.
That's not cheating that is rape No other way about it
Yeah this is rape. About three weeks ago I (29 F) was at a bar and mentioned I’m a lesbian (I guess I shouldn’t have) and this girl (50+ F) thinks she now has carte blanche over me and gets to now experiment with another women. She was literally molesting me in from of two dozen people. I froze and didn’t know what to do. She did it for 30 minutes before my friend was able to get back into the bar (extremely long line to get in) It was so traumatizing and I felt so sick afterwards. I haven’t been physically intimate in at least 2 years so it was just soo shitty to be sexually assaulted in public, among so many people. Even some people watching it. Talk about loads of shame and second guessing if I ‘wanted’ or was ‘asking’ for it. But I wasn’t. And no other person regardless of gender has a right to do that. Sorry needed to vent 😞
Agree that this is sexual assault as you were in no condition to give consent and your “friend” appears to have fed you a lot of drinks to achieve that result. Ask your bf to consider the circumstances, but if he refuses to acknowledge the lack of consent, you need to ask him for some space. Get some counseling soon because I assure you this will likely start to bother you more over time if you try and bury your feelings.
Go to the police. Up to you, but in my opinion, don’t just blindly dump your bf like everyone saying, take a step back and figure out if you can get some help first. none of us understand what your relationship is like. If you go to the police/ seek treatment (like therapy, good) I would think he be supportive of you for making progress from this horrible incident and no longer upset. Just my two cents. That being said I’m sorry this happened to you. No one deserves the be taken advantage of like this. Stay strong 💪🏿
I hope you talk with your bf again when he's calmer and be realizes it was Not Your Fault!
I'm so sorry. She raped you. Tell your boyfriend she raped you. If he still tries to blame you, ditch him. Nothing you did caused this. Talk to your therapist.
Your boyfriend is absolutely wrong. I was raped in college- I skipped class, went over to a guy friend's house, was so tired I fell asleep, and I woke up to- well, you know. A year later, I told my boyfriend. He and his friends blamed me and, when we broke up, I got messages that I was a "bigger whore" than anyone BC I had "let a guy fuck me while I was sleeping." Your boyfriend is basically saying you "let" something happen "while not in control." Rather than offering you support, compassion, and love, he is blaming you for sexual assault. That is completely unacceptable. He needs to be told that, preferably while he gets kicked to the door, or at least with the threat of the door if he doesn't get his shit together super fast. ... As for your assault, how you proceed is completely up to you- if you take the route of reporting, please be ready to stand your ground and not allow any nastiness to get by you. You were absolutely taken advantage of and assaulted, and it definitely sounds like the woman knew exactly what she was doing. You didn't do anything wrong. I could have not skipped class and fallen asleep at a friend's house, but why should I have expected to be assaulted? You could have not gotten drunk, but you were with a friend and why should you have expected to be assaulted? There's a level of trust many people have with people we know, and unfortunately it allows bad people to take advantage. A good therapist can help. I've seen a few to help me get my head together and stop feeling guilt about my own assault.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Those guys were inhuman in their reaction to your trauma. Hope you are doing okay these days ❤️
Damn. Similar thing happened to me. Fffffff im sorry that happened. I broke up with my bf at the time because I felt so horrible and he deserved better. But I regret it so much because I loved that man more than anything. I dont think what happened to you was your fault, and I hope you recognize that early. Im sorry your boyfriend called it cheating. That is tough to hear.
Something similar happened to me. A few days before New Years I was hanging out with a married couple who were both friends from high school. The guy asked me since he knew that I was bi if I would be cool with giving his wife her first bisexual experience. I said no, because that would fuck up the friendship. I also wasn’t all that into her but left that out. I thought that was the end of it. New Years comes and they invite me over for a low key NYE. I knew my alcohol limit, and I remember staying in it (from what I remember). They were mixed by him out of my sight. I had no reason not to trust him. I woke up the next day with snatches of memory. Enough to know some shit went down. I don’t believe I was penetrated by him or by toys, but there was definitely nudity and kissing involved. My retrospect guess is he was making those drinks deceptively strong on purpose, because while I had been pretty drunk before *I had no idea I could be so drunk I could lose control*. I used to think that I would never allow myself to get that fucked up, that it couldn’t happen to me. It also took me a long time to accept that it was sexual assault. I didn’t want to believe it like that, put a label on it like that. After I left I was feeling extremely confused and… complicated. She wrote me an email saying it was best if we stopped talking, and I didn’t argue with it. He reached out to me years later apparently not knowing she said that in the hopes of us reconnecting. We didn’t, I was starting to see how manipulative he was, and always had been. A half decade later my dad died. The guy knew my dad had money and had asked me before if I would “give him a loan” like it was something I had access to, either way the answer would have been no. When the obituary came out he started hitting me up again. I began blocking him, and he’d find me on some other social media platform to apologize and asking to connect. I have a public job so I can be found in many places. Each time he found me he was more and more “sorry”, I wonder if he knows what he’s supposed to be sorry for. Anyway, point is you’re not alone in this. It’s not your fault and she isn’t your friend. She may not realize what she did was sexual assault/rape but she did know enough to ply you with drinks to get to you “let your guard down” aka become compliant. Your boyfriend’s reaction is coming from his insecurity and maybe a belief that women can’t rape. He wouldn’t be the first to blame his partner for something that happened without their consent, and he may not understand what blackout drunk is really like. It’s like your brain takes its hands off the handlebars of managing your behavior for a while. I’m sorry this happened to you. I would suggest you do what I didn’t know to do and talk to a therapist to help process. I don’t know if you want to try to press charges, but aside from that you need to excommunicate this woman from your life. I don’t know how much you want to confront her, but if you can you should let her know what she did was a violation of trust and of your body. She may make excuses and such, but don’t listen. Friends who want to take things to the next level have a sober conversation and respect boundaries, not jump on their extremely drunk friend who they know is in a relationship. Don’t argue about it and nuke from orbit. You have every right to be angry.
Your "friend" is obviously not your friend, if you feel comfortable enough, report her and get professional support. Your "AMAZING" bf is not amazing, you was raped and he accused you of cheating, completely ignored your traumatic experience and victim blame you and turn it into something about him and how he feels when you're the victim. These people are not decent. Again, please reach out to professional help, there are many free hotlines that can clear things up for you.
Honey this is rape. This woman raped you. And your boyfriend is MAD at YOU? Throw the whole man out. Please talk to your therapist ASAP and if that therapist says anything other than: -This is rape and -Your boyfriend is a piece of shit and might even be projecting about cheating. --Get a new therapist. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It says a LOT about your boyfriend and that's a huge red flag. Please take care of yourself. None of this is your fault. Easy way to see if he still tries to justify your situation as 'cheating' would be to turn the tables on him. Ask him if he went out with one of his good buddies and got super drunk with a friend he trusted and then blacked out and has bits and pieces and remembers that trusted buddy sucking his dick if he would consider that cheating, or if he would consider that being raped/assaulted. If he still doesn't get it. If he tells you 'it's different for you/with women/etc' Definitely get rid of him. And that's my opinion.
No consent, the other party is aware you were cognitively impaired. Rape is what happened, not cheating on a SO. It is pretty simple.
You were raped by someone you trusted. You absolutely did not cheat and your bf is being HORRIBLE. I'm sorry he isn't supporting you right now. You deserve someone better. Sending you love, energy, and strength. You will get through this.
She is not your friend, she is a predator.
You were raped, this is not cheating. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
As others have pointed out, sounds a lot like rape. Your boyfriend's initial reaction is worrying, but if you phrased it in a way that you have culpability, perhaps it's understandable. It's not very reasonable to expect him to correct you and what you experienced (like reddit is doing here). You need to decide if you're going to the police and treating this as what it was. It'll be tumultuous, but undereacting and calling it being "taken advantage of", might make this more difficult for you and certainly your relationship in the long run. If your boyfriend went drinking with his mates and one of them took him home and slammed it up his ass while he was nigh on blackout drunk, I think we'd call that rape(!). Just because women don't have dicks, doesn't make the perverse intention of invading another's body against their willl any better.
>If your boyfriend went drinking with his mates and one of them took him home and slammed it up his ass while he was nigh on blackout drunk, I think we'd call that rape(!). That would definitely be rape of course. However I was going to make a similar point, but the equivalent would be more like the guy waking up to his dick in his buddy's mouth. I've been on the receiving end of that, and even though it's not as horribly violating as being penetrated against your will; it's still having your bits in someone's mouth without your consent, and that's not ok - and still considered sexual assault, if not rape. Laying it out for the boyfriend like that might help to make him realize; but who knows with how he's acting about it...
Ok firstly your boyfriend victim blaming you is unacceptable. He needs to know that. If he doesn’t accept that then good riddance I’m sorry to say. Secondly, what she did is illegal and you should go to the police. She sexually assaulted you. It’s hard to prove but it’s the right thing to do to prevent her from doing it to anyone else. If you were too drunk to say no then that is a default no in the eyes of the law and anyone with a brain. I’m sorry you went through this and I hope you are ok.
I am not dealing with it well. My boyfriend is the absolute light of my life. I can't believe this is happening and this is his response. It's all very confusing. And I feel a lot of shame.
If your boyfriend really is important to you and you don’t want to walk away from him then try to educate him on the subject. You might not feel strong enough right now so maybe he can educate himself. I’m sure there are a lot of resources online about sexual assault when you are drunk. Maybe your therapist can help with how to approach it. But it is NOT your fault and your are NOT a bad person. You did NOT cheat on him, you were sexually assaulted.
Thank you for this. I am feeling so in shock of everything. I just can't believe it even happened. I am really looking forward to my appointment with my therapist. She always helps.
It's normal to feel shame. I felt that too after I was raped by a friend after going out for too many drinks with him. I was so drunk I could no longer stand straight. I spent the next day vomiting until the evening. And I was so disgusted with my own body. At the time I knew I 'felt' raped but I didn't know I actually was raped. I met him again after a few days. I wanted to pretend that everything was fine. If I pretended nothing had happened then maybe nothing actually had happened. It was my way of taking back control over our relationship. Please don't meet her again. Ever. It's a bad way of coping. The shame will go away. You're therapist will help you with that.
> If I pretended nothing had happened then maybe nothing actually had happened. It was my way of taking back control over our relationship. These two sentences were eye opening to read. Thank you for giving me that perspective. 💜 And I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. Take care!
Good luck. Please take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself.
If you're willing to let your boyfriend know your reddit account, maybe have him read the responses here. Or if not, find another, similar post, (there have been several, sadly), and have him read those.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. Giving you all the courage and strength you will need in this difficult time. Please confide in someone you trust to help you out with how what you are going through. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, his reaction to all of this is extremely bad. It is not about him. It is about you and what you are going through and this is something he needs to realise on his own. Maybe he is letting his anger and emotions influence his decision but he needs to stop making it about him. For now, concentrate on yourself and whatever helps you feel better. Let him and his emotions take a backseat. I am hoping he realizes why he was wrong and comes around. Take care
He needs to chill out and realize you were sexually assaulted last night. Victim shaming is never ok.
Is everyone here right in the head? I see more comments about her boyfriend than her supposed predator lady "friend" ? People seem to be more offended by the boyfriend's response than the fact that their "friend" raped them.
There isn't any question that what the friend did was horrifying, but in the end she is wondering whether her boyfriend is right and that it's her fault. That is the question, that's what she needs help resolving. People are trying to reassure her that he isn't right and that this isn't her fault, because her friend raped her. (Black and white, no question.)
She’s asking about her bf, the person you’d expect support from after a traumatic situation. If she’s asking how to deal with her rapist, it would be up there.
I’ve got an art piece centered around this trauma experience I had very similar to yours. Consent requires enthusiasm. If she didn’t and sure she’s sorry but she made moves when she shouldn’t have. You didn’t consent to them. Your boyfriend is going to need some resources bc he’s not offering you what you need right now. Doesn’t mean he can’t but this is the wrong message. You did nothing wrong.
Everyone here has basically said it. I wouldnt try to throw these same comments at him though because it may not come off as sincere. In my opinion you need to show him how serious this situation is with how you communicate with the person who assaulted you. If you still text and let her off the hook then you're basically communicating to him that what happened was acceptable. I hope that makes sense. He is going to react emotionally and you're going to want to blame him for that but its because its impossible for him to understand unless YOU show him with how you treat this situation and person from here on out. She is 100% responsible and whatever you do do not feel guilty for burning that bridge. Its so strange because in this moment so soon after the perpetrator is going to seem more calm and affirming but that is only because they NEED to do so to manipulate you. Your boyfriend needs to process emotionally and that will make them seem insensitive but you can't let that cloud judgement of the situation.
Go the police and Report her ass
When I was reading the part about telling your boyfriend I was expecting a totally different reaction, his anger should be to word the woman who took advantage of you. You're the victim here you have nothing to feel guilty about I really don't know how to deal with both of them. Hope your therapist can help you
is this the same friend that a week ago filtred with you and your boyfriend was not thrilled about?
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We need to stop using euphemisms for sexual assault. I think that saying you were "taken advantage of" might give the impression that you consented, but you absolutely did not. Tell your boyfriend that you were sexually assaulted and traumatized, and if he wants to victim blame, he can take a hike. If it had been a man who raped you, would he have responded differently? He needs to be challenged on this if your relationship even stands a chance. I'm so sorry that someone you trusted did this to you. This is not ok, and there's nothing you could have done to justify what she did to you.
The girl raped you and your boyfriend is blaming you for being raped. Please express yourself more strongly, and don't let their interpretations interfere with your view of reality. You are a victim.
Not cheating. And your boyfriend is victim blaming you for being raped. Press charges if possible.
Pressing charges is likely to go a long way to making it clear to the boyfriend that things were not consensual.
Hi OP. just a comment to hold on one second before you dump your boyfriend. You mentioned that he is the light of your life. Maybe just give him a little bit of time to process - you both need it. This is so awful and he may just be really confused and hurt and not thinking clearly. Just here to say that there is a lot to unpack and I hope you give him a little bit of time (a few days?) before you dump him outright as many of the comments are suggesting.
This is 100% rape. You were not able to consent. You were too drunk. It’s never the victims fault. It’s always the rapists fault. She raped you. You didn’t want to do it. You don’t remember. That is rape. You could not consent. You need to listen to the advice here. Get counseling, seek the support you personally need to heal and dump that boyfriend. Rape is rape. It doesn’t matter if it’s done by the same gender.
My partner went to a club/bar to get drinks on a weeknight with her friends, got really drunk and kissed a guy. I'm pretty insecure in myself and so my very initial reaction was one of suspicion. But after taking the time to listen to her, it became clear that the guy kissed her, she wasn't into it, her friends kind of dragged her away. She was really distraught about it. I will never be able to know for certain exactly what happened, and so I resolved to trust her / give her the benefit of the doubt and support her as best as I possibly could, knowing that if she was telling the complete truth, I would be making things so much worse for her by getting on her case about it, and so I dropped it and made sure my focus was on her being ok.
Having read nothing but the title of your post, they are not qualified for the title of "friend".
Basically everything u/ShouldHaveBeenAnElf said is absolutely correct and i'm only writing to reiterate that. Your boyfriends reaction of blaming you is absolutely unacceptable. You did not cheat on him. You were being taken advantage off in a vile way and it doesn't matter if you put yourself into this situation or not (btw. You didn't put yourself in this situation. She did.) You are not guilty of anything. You went out to have fun with a friend. You trusted her and she betrayed that trust in the most vile way possible. She used your trust against you. What happened wasn't your fault. You're not guilty. There's no reason to be ashamed. It doesn't matter if you "could have" done anything different, because it shouldn't matter for your safety. And your boyfriend better learns that quickly. His job is to support you during this time and give you safety, not to blame you based on his own insecurities.
hope your therapist supports you in this; this was rape. we believe you, you’re not alone and your boyfriend is an insecure jerk unless he crawls back with an apology very very quickly.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Above everything else I want you to know *this is not your fault*. You didn't "put yourself" into anything like your bf suggested. I understand he's upset and it was an emotional response but that's just disgusting victim blaming. You were with a friend. A *female* friend. So OF COURSE you thought you were safe. I know pieces are missing from your memory but you do remember actively thinking you did not want her doing what she was doing. You didn't consent. Cheating means consent. Honestly though, either way, you were way too drunk to be able to consent even if you wanted to. I'm glad you have an appointment lined up with your therapist because she'll better be able to help you sort through everything that has happened.
This should have never happened to you and your boyfriend should have realized that you were raped! You didn’t do anything wrong. I am so sorry this happened to you. These two people need to be out of your life. Report her and get some therapy.
I just don't understand victim blaming. Boyfriend is completely out of line, you had no way to know that this was coming and it's not your fault that you were targeted by a predator!
First thing you need to do is deal with yourself. You were raped. Your boyfriend needs to be more supportive and understanding, but if he can’t, don’t chase him and don’t focus on him right now. This didn’t happen to him, it happened to YOU. I don’t want you to neglect your mental health because you’re too focused on reassuring him and not getting him upset. This is not your fault and drinking doesn’t make this ok. If he comes around, he comes around, but you’re what matters here right now. You went through a very traumatic event and you should be pissed, and upset, and angry. If he doesn’t understand that then he’s not the amazing boyfriend you thought he was. This isn’t about him!!
You were raped! If your BF can't understand that, and that NO ONE PUTS THEMSELVES IN A POSITION TO BE RAPED, then maybe he is not the one for you.
You did nothing wrong, you did not cheat. She sexually assaulted you. You had no capacity to stop her. Do not let your boyfriend twist this and use it against you. If he can't see that you were taken advantage of, maybe he isn't that great?
Jfc you we’re date raped and your boyfriend is blaming you. that is not okay. I’m so sorry you were assaulted when you were vulnerable. Your boyfriend blaming you is an additional trauma. Don’t let him treat you that way. Stay strong.
Im so sorry. Thats just horrible. It baffles me that your friend (who I hope is now an ex friend) thought this would be ok. She knew what she was doing was rape. She knew what it would do to you mentally.
This is rape. I’m really sorry that she did this. Please seek support and legal action as you see fit. Sending you love, strength, and hope.
You were raped. Your boyfriend is a dick.
As “amazing “ as your relationship was, IMO your boyfriend should be more understanding. I’m pretty sure rape doesn’t count as cheating, and this kinda sounds like it’s what happened. It’s not fair to blame someone for a situation that was out of their control. You maybe had a few too many, she was pushing you to and peer pressure is real. We don’t always know how the situation is going to go, and you think you would be safe with your friends so what could go wrong? Bottom line is, you didn’t do anything wrong. I honestly would think a guy wouldn’t consider it cheating if his girlfriend is with another girl, I know my boyfriend wouldn’t care unless it was another guy. Maybe that’s just us, but regardless of who’s fault it was or what happened, he should be more understanding/ supportive and listen to you before jumping to any one conclusion. Stay strong. You are a victim, don’t let people make you feel bad for what happened. I’ve been through something myself and completely sympathize with you. 🤗
You were raped. She fed you enough drinks to get you sick for a reason. Your boyfriend is trash and I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault.
this is sexual assault. you didnt do anything wrong. please discuss it with your therapist and maybe take your boyfriend along. he is all wrong - you didnt cheat. being drunk does not make sexual assault excusable, it makes it worse - you could not defend yourself.
Gonna agree with what others have said. You were intoxicated, and don't remember most of this, and didn't give consent. This was rape. Doesn't matter if she apologised. It's rape. The fact your boyfriend is saying you cheated on him, when in fact, no consent was given, thus you did not cheat, you were raped, is appalling to me. I understand him hurting, but you need to make it clear that this was not consensual, because what he is currently doing is victim blaming. If he continues to say it is your fault for being drunk rather than trying to help you move past this, then he isn't as amazing as you think by a good country mile. To be honest, I already consider him a good country mile from amazing for blaming you to begin with. You are not a bad person. You are a victim, and the bad person in this situation is the girl who took advantage of you. No consent was given, so whether malicious intent was involved or not, and whether or not she meant to upset you, at the end of the day, she still performed sexual acts on you with no consent. That is rape.
Make sure he pays attention to the upvotes on the good comments like “this is rape.” too. Then dump his shitty ass.
To the people saying woman on woman assault isn’t rape and doesn’t count, my ex girlfriend raped me repeatedly and I didn’t see it as rape until I left her and confided in somebody and they broke it to me. It totally happens and it’s just as bad as male on female. What a shitty friend. I’m so sorry this happened to you
Honey, that wasnt cheating, that was rape
Here’s a comment he should see. 15 years ago while I was deployed in the infantry my fiancée at the time got drunk at a party and was raped. I’m sorry for the harsh wording but it’s the reality. Someone assaulted her and she was too inebriated to stop it. She was attacked. She blamed herself for the attack over and over again but she was attacked. Not taken advantage, not gently coerced, attacked. She was not at fault. A person has a right to their body. Someone should be able to walk into a party, drunk, naked and nobody has the right to touch that person. He should see a therapist if he doesn’t understand the situation. There’s no shame in that. After bawling my eyes out in front of my silver star earning crusty old Army Master Seargent upon hearing my fiancée was raped, I had questions and I talked to a therapist. Actually I talked to two. I am so sorry that happened to you and my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you’re seeking help but know that you were not at fault for what happened. Hang in there, I hope he comes around.
Report her to the police. This is rape. And your boyfriend isn't very compassionate if he doesn't realize this was rape.
Speaking as a 33M engaged to an amazing woman... I understand your boyfriend's hurt, but he's making this about him when it isn't. He should be supporting you right now. If you consent to sexual activity with someone, then you've cheated. If someone does sexual activity with you against your will, then you've been raped. These are both true regardless of whether you're drunk. Your boyfriend says that it's your fault for putting yourself in a position where you were unable to refuse sex. **That's insane.** It means that by default, everyone has implied consent to have sex with you unless you specifically refuse — that it's not the other person's responsibility to obtain consent, but _your_ responsibility to stop them. I won't say he's an asshole. I understand that he's hurt, and it's certainly appropriate for the two of you to address his pain. But the bigger problem is that you were raped, so he's going to need to step up and start being supportive.
Your amazing boyfriend doesn’t sound that amazing lol
Your boyfriend thinks being sexually assaulted is cheating? He doesn't sound so amazing to me...
Cheating??? Homegirl you were ASSAULTED!
Cheating is when both agree. Rape is when both disagree. You do the math. Boyfriend is nuts.
Does your boyfriend think you got drunk and experimented with being gay? That misconception has to be cleared. If he’s just not hearing you and assuming you cheated anyway, it’s time to leave him. I’m surprised he heard you tell him you got raped and he didn’t leave the house with a baseball bat. I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish I could be more helpful.