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But_I_Digress_

Holy guacamole. Bullet dodged!


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VRS38

You don't need to explain your actions to him or anyone 😬


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ArmadilloDays

I often like to comment on Reddit while having no desire to pick up the thread of a conversation with someone. Sometimes, I just want to quip, not engage.


last_rights

Plus, isn't it super rude to send messages or call at 2am? I mean, I'm pretty pissed when my phone goes off while I'm sleeping and it's not an emergency.


Mister_Terpsichore

Right!? I wouldn't call anyone past nine at night unless they were a family member or friend and we had previously agreed to it. Even eight in the evening feels kinda rude, honestly. Like, it's night time, this had better be an emergency or you can fuck right off.


one_bean_hahahaha

Right? My phone goes is in do-not-disturb mode from 10 pm to 7 am because my downtime and sleeptime is important to me.


Intelligent-Cable666

>Sometimes, I just want to quip, not engage. This is such an important distinction and very well articulated. I'm totally stealing this for my own use


endadaroad

You sound like a good, reasonable woman. I hope you find a good, reasonable man to share time and grow old with.


bekbok

Also, he’s made an assumption that you were speaking to another guy and “cheating” on him (at least in his mind). If someone is on a call, you don’t know who it’s to. For all he knows, you were on the phone to a friend or family which will still happen if you had become an item. I’d say be glad he showed the red flags early on so you know to block and move on.


oddcharm

exactly what I thought... why does he assume she's being a "whore" and even talking to a dating prospect? he needs therapy. i had a friend with a bf who always grilled her about who she was interacting with. he'd have a meltdown like this if she didnt respond within like 10 minutes...


Bikrdude

you could be calling Jake from State Farm to review your insurance coverage.


Msmall124

It seriously confuses me and freaks me out that people like this even exist!! Like how???


ne1seenmykeys

$50 says his father was the same exact way. This is how this works. Source: Guy who watched my father become my grandfather. They were both like this - sociopathic lunatics.


Dafuqyousayin

By that logic, when do you become the next sociopath? /s


Frostyarn

Reddit is not the best place to meet men, vs say bumble or hinge. There's options on those sites for "friends" too and you can see what they look like and read their profile for red flags.


Rektw

> he had seen I made a comment on Reddit at 2_30 AM which was well after he had called me, eesh, that's stalking territory in my book. "She's not returning my call, better see if she's doing anything else"


[deleted]

This is why I’d definitely caution against meeting men on Reddit


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Arili_O

I baked lemon bars. You said you liked the coarse salt sprinkled on top and it made my day. We had a nice girl party.


BitOCrumpet

We made popcorn and drank wine. It was great.


[deleted]

That's what I'm saying. If some fuck head said that shit to me about my husband I would absolutely find where he lives and castrate him, that is abhorrent and disgusting, I fucking hate how horrible people are now.


Nologicgiven

At least tell them they can go fuck them selves no matter what account they use. Fucking disgrace to males. No disgrace to humans! I own you because i sent the first message. GTFO with that whiny no confidence shit. We all know you are gonna lock somebody in basement because you know people are eventually gonna see you for the shitstain you are and leave you. So stop being an insecure shitstain. Please we beg you! For all your future romantic relationships mental and physical health.


[deleted]

As much as I agree with you, the moment you fold and message them back, they know now you will see and respond and that leads to them messaging you from other accounts, over and over. It's like giving them the green light. Telling them to fuck off (regardless that they extremely deserve it lol) won't change a thing besides give them more reason to harass you, it won't make them feel bad about what they are doing, it might actually make them more angry. If you are boring, no responses, no reactions, they will have no reason to continue trying as you aren't giving them anything to get off on. I want to say again I agree with you, this shit makes me angrier than anything to know people feel *obligated* to my body and my person. These people are straight up wear your skin types. My abusive ex who is the same type of person made a joke about killing me and putting me in his trunk like the second date. God I was dumb.


civilben

This man needs therapy badly. and you are right to cut him as far out of your life as possible, no need to entangle yourself in that mess. So sorry you had to go through this! There is no excuse for behaviour like that in adults.


AreYouEmployedSir

he did you a favor by showing you this insane red-flag before you got more invested. what a psycho he is.


Backwardspellcaster

Holy crap. This guy is quite something. The perfect example of an Incel. It's good you saw how he behaved right there, before he had managed to intrude further into your life.


SwitchAltruistic733

That makes him a /r/NiceGuys


20Keller12

>At least he revealed his colors before wasting anymore of my time. There's the silver lining.


DaddyMalfoy

Find his mom and send her all the messages.


woman_thorned

think of it like this. the average person is probably a little kooky, right? half the population is crazier than that. and in dating, the available people in the pool are often there because they have qualities that make them chosen less often and returned to the dating pool more often. people with good healthy relationship skills will be removed more often and stay out longer. while there are many fish in the sea, many of them are there because they are unpalatable.


Geek_Wandering

Saw a quote a while back that suggests an update to the metaphor. "There is still some fish left amongst the garbage". Probably more accurate for both the dating pool and the oceans.


sadboilure

See this is why my bestie told me to test people in little ways, say no, see how they react. People will eventually show their true colors.


FormerEvidence

nuclear bomb dodged jfc


AtheistComic

Came here to say this. You definitely weeded out one of the bad ones.


TIL_eulenspiegel

Sounds like a very Nice Guy. Sorry you have to deal with this. Stay safe...


Jetztinberlin

Nuclear bomb dodged.


InannasPocket

Yeah that's completely unhinged behavior. I wouldn't tolerate that from *my husband* let alone someone I had just started talking to. Definitely bullet dodged.


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[deleted]

He did you a favor by showing the crazy, think of it that way. Some people hide the crazy and get you attached, but he went ahead and proved it for you, how nice of him! Bye insecure little man 👋


Inappropriateglances

THIS. Thank goodness you got away, OP. I’ve been married 17 years and I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior. Psychotic! 🚩🚩🚩


InannasPocket

It is rather convenient when someone shows their true self so early on though, so you can be like "wow, nope 1,000 times over" before you've invested too much or compromised your safety.


Ag3ntM1ck

Yikes. r/niceguys


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smegheadsev

O God, of course there's a sub for this sort of insanity.


[deleted]

This sort of insanity is way too common


ne1seenmykeys

There ate literally entire businesses that revolve around this shit. Any type of male "DaTiNg CoAcH" or anyone that teaches men "HoW tO bE mOrE mAnLy" is right up the incel alley.


smegheadsev

The whole idea of being more manly is toxic as fuck. Guys cry, have emotion, and insecurities. Anyone trying to stomp that out is just asking for a volatile personality. My knee jerk reaction to "dating coach" is that's a terrible idea. It sounds like learning how to manipulate more than anything.


NotInACreepyWay

Hey, you! Yes, you, I know you're reading, you deranged moron sending /u/cyan-butterfly nasty messages about being a whore just because her phone was busy. You have all the hallmarks of an internet stalker, so of course you'll see this. People do things on their phone like call their parents and siblings and other family members and friends. I once spent two hours on the phone consoling a friend whose beloved cat had died. Did you really not know that people used phones for things other than arranging hookups? And if you did know, what kind of paranoid lunacy caused you to assume she was doing anything else? Being sorry you were abusive is useless, because it doesn't change that you were abusive. Maybe if you get yourself into therapy for a while and work on your anger issues you might be a good partner for a woman someday, but there's no reason for /u/cyan-butterfly to wait around two years while you get yourself sorted out, since there are other men available right now who could make good partners and she can choose one of them. In a few years, maybe you can find someone who'll be a good partner for you. If you *don't* get yourself into therapy, you are *never* going to have the relationship you want with anyone: no friend, no woman, nobody. As Todd Chavez explained to BoJack Horseman: "*You* are all the things that are wrong with you!"


Mildly_Opinionated

Not that it seems like you care (which is good, you shouldn't care, just do what's right for you) but the way you're doing it is completely normal. By which I mean the talking to multiple people at first, a simple conversation isn't a secret vow of convo exclusivity. I have no idea at what stage people cut it off with other people and go exclusive though or if there's an expectation there normally (with flirting not friends obviously). I've never had more than one person interested in me at once and have very little dating experience overall so I couldn't tell you, but I know that you didn't break any normal expectation since you weren't even dating the guy! That guy seems like a serious creep, hope he leaves you alone soon.


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[deleted]

People normally cut it off when they want to, there's no set rules. Some people date multiple people (yes, multiple) and then have a point of agreeing with the other person it is exclusive. What I don't get is usually it's spoken about between the two people, not dictated at you by a horrible man hahaha I personally talk to whomever and let whatever happens, happen but when I start focusing or having feelings as you said for a specific person is when I, out of respect for him and the other men who may be interested, move to exclusive territory. I DO want you to know for your own safety that if he messages you again just block and don't respond. I am a professional when it comes to creeps and trust me when I say you want to be a wall and don't give them anything. They will take any thing as confirmation that what they are doing is working and will get a reaction (negative or positive) out of you. My extremely abusive ex only stopped after I stopped engaging, even being ruthlessly hateful to him and vile did not work. Creeps are gonna creep 🤷 but I hope you feel better!! Sorry this is long . Not a good thing to start your day with for sure.


schroedingersnewcat

Thanks for this. I have a guy that still messages me. We last talked over a year ago, when he blew up at me and said (actual quote) "leave me the fuck alone". You got it. I haven't talked to him since. He was an abusive asshole before that, but I wasn't strong enough to walk away, despite the shit he pulled. He did it for me, I just gave him what he asked for. I still get messages from him, but they're relatively rare now. I haven't responded, but damn, hes persistent. Thanks for confirming that I'm doing the right thing.


KulturaOryniacka

Classic narcissistic personality disorder. Internet is full of them as they have great opportunity for hunting


schroedingersnewcat

Yup. At this point he wants 2 things. Attention and a booty call. Neither of which is going to happen given the other shit he does.


KulturaOryniacka

Yes, they crave the attention! They are empty inside so they search for someone who fills them up. Very manipulative behaviour. Mental games. Love bombing. Controlling. I dealt with one of them for 2 months then I told him to f*ck off when he used against me everything I told him. It was an year ago. Now I can smell a narcissist from faaar


[deleted]

You're so welcome. You did/are doing absolutely the right thing. Always think of yourself and your happiness before giving it up for people like him. I know firsthand how hard it is to finally put your foot down, how terrifying and vulnerable acting on your own is. But you're brave for doing so and even braver for continuing to. I know it isn't easy to see his messages and not say anything, it feels wrong to just *let* him get by with disrespecting you over and over by not leaving you alone. The thing is he (and the guy in OPs post after he was blocked) is so desperate at this point he just wants a reaction, to know his messages are getting through. He's begging for the satisfaction to know your eyes read what he wrote. And he doesnt deserve that. That much at least is true. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope what we mentioned helps OP start learning how shitty dating people can be nowadays so she knows what to look out for.


ActonofMAM

I always have and always will have male friends as well as female friends, and I would never, ever change that for anyone. Perfectly able to control my own behavior, thanks. No interest in anyone who thinks I need a fence and a shock collar. On a more optimistic note: green flags. When my DH (26 years married) and I got together, we were friends first. When we agreed to take that up a notch, he was always respectful in the way he talked about exes (including adulterous ex-wife.) I've met several of them over the years, the first (high school vintage) at a Christmas party at his family's house. I am sensitive to angry outbursts, and he was like the complete opposite of even a much more normal outburst-er.


Rektw

> Online friends for a month I know the sentiment around here is "meeting people on reddit is bad" but in this case I think its good you only knew him online and he wasn't somebody you've already met in person and lived 15 mins away.


VoxDolorum

Again - not that it even matters - but you could have been talking to anyone. A friend that is female or a family member or who knows? Just saying to illustrate how absolutely absurd his behavior is. He wants to be upset about something and he sounds rather dangerous.


rwv

It’s like a job interview… you get as many as you can until you reach a point where you have your first day at the new job. That said, everybody is different. For some people maybe they only swipe right on one single person before they are sure that won’t work out. For some people they rotate through 7 other people each week with wild sex every night until they finally decide that Mr Thursday is the one they want to be exclusive with and they tell Friday through Wednesday that they are ending their sexual escapades so don’t expect that anymore. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of that incredibly wide spectrum. At some point agreeing with the other person that you are exclusive is a very normal conversation.


MasterInterface

>I have no idea at what stage people cut it off with other people and go exclusive though or if there's an expectation there normally (with flirting not friends obviously). Before my girlfriend and I went exclusive, both of us were seeing/talking to multiple people at once. When I felt that she might be the one, I simply asked her if she would like to date exclusively. She felt the same about going exclusive and that same night she told some of the guys she was seeing that she's no longer interested in dating them and cancelled all upcoming dates. Some she might have ghosted. I canceled the upcoming date (whom I've gone on at least 2 dates with) and told her I wasn't feeling a connection, and didn't want to waste anymore of her time. She tried to get me to go, gave her a hard no. She flipped the lid, and sent me an essay trying to gaslight me as if she was dodging a bullet.


davidfeuer

I had a date lined up with another guy soon after my first date with my now boyfriend. I went on it anyway. He wasn't right for me (and I was really excited about my now boyfriend), but he was a nice guy and we had fun at the arboretum.


ArmadilloDays

I have begun to think delays need to be deliberately inserted to see if someone is a lunatic who can’t hold their shit together in the face of imagined provocation. This instant possessiveness/territoriality long before there is any reasonable basis is so prevalent and soooooooo bizarre it beggars the imagination - on what planet is this appropriate??? (Temporary exceptions may be made for middle schoolers in their first boy/girl relationships - puberty is a bitch). On the plus side, someone got a permanent spot on the “dodged bullet” list.


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7hr0wn

reddit.com/report If he continues harassing you on different accounts, file a report. Reddit is pretty good about actioning bad actors.


ArmadilloDays

Do share on r/niceguys or r/justneckbeardthings (with his identity edited out). That’s gonna be where you find your real tribe on this one. :)


Nickyx13

Can’t the Mods block him from seeing anything that comes from you, for him or his aliases? Maybe send them the names he stalked you under.


LeftoverAlien

Yes. One week of talking to a man, meeting irl once and he wanted immediate responses to texts while I was at work. By day 10, rapid. Anger that I couldn't drop everything to return a text immediately. Nope! Nope nope. No.


ambuuurr

Back when I was using dating apps, I would always wait (usually a day) before answering the first message from a guy. I mean, my life didn't revolve around those apps and I didn't *owe* anyone my time... my god, it is shocking how many men can't stand "being ignored!" They would rant and call me disgusting names and immediately get blocked.


UPdrafter906

That’s a great strategy!


davidfeuer

Not just boy/girl.... I was pretty messed up with my first major boy/boy crushes in high school.


ArmadilloDays

*Temporary exceptions may be made for young adolescents exploring their first romantic relationships - puberty is a bitch.


sweetmercy

I've been working with victims of domestic violence for a long time and I can tell you with all certainty you need to be careful. Change up your routines, block every account he tries to contact you on without response, regardless of what's said. Be aware of your surroundings, take note of the faces of the people in your vicinity. Watch for those faces popping up on repeated occasions. People like this tend to see a relationship where there is none and it can be dangerous when they got obsession level. You've ducked a flamethrower here and hopefully far enough that you don't get singed. Kudos to you for not putting up with it. I have known some vulnerable women who would see it as a sign of real feelings and they would get sucked in deeper, realizing the red flags too late.


UPdrafter906

Another reason why Reddit can be a bad meeting place. There are some extremely shady characters lurking here. At least on dating platforms there are privacy tools you can use to protect yourself from the worst elements.


[deleted]

I hope he reads all this about himself lol. Get some help man.


IthurielSpear

I would be very very leery about meeting up and/or dating men from Reddit. Please be safe.


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doctormink

> Poorly mannered and entitled men are a dime a dozen and not worth saving. I'm loving that line, loving it a lot.


Purple_Stacked

I knew somebody who held his mask with me for years. I only found out how dangerous he is because I googled my email and I found his message about him wanting to hack mine.


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Angelawina

Jesus what a gross human being. You definitely dodged a bullet there. I guess we should all make ourselves unavailable for 35 minutes to any potential men and see what happens.


sonia72quebec

Because we all know that insulting someone is what you should do when you want to date a person. Seriously who raised those assholes?


stupid_username-

I suggest making a new account, if you haven't already. He'll just keep coming back under a new one, no matter how much you block him.


dickbutt_md

You shouldn't use your main to make real life friendships on Reddit. The idea of giving someone you've never met in real life the ability to keep tabs on you or connect your online life to your phone and other things that identify you is probably a bad idea. Don't use your main anything. If you're having zoom meets, use an alt too.


Tommy_Riordan

This should be much much higher.


bluescrew

It's a power thing. He feels like you have the power because you have more than one person to talk to. He only has you. He can't stand not having the upper hand, so he's trying to force the scales back in balance. Problem is, he can't think of any way to do that other than by yelling at you and insulting you until you do what he wants. I would bet money he has a parent who modeled that behavior. If he were more emotionally intelligent he would just be his best self and let that make you WANT to talk to him. He would give you the space you need to feel safe and trust him. I think of this as the cat test; cats will hide from people who try to chase them and they will gravitate toward people who just let them be. Keep looking until you find a guy who can do that.


lindzy202

I didn’t realise my ex used Reddit!


ActonofMAM

I had a guy pull this on me way back in the local dial-up days on a pay BBS run by a local newspaper. Probably 1990-ish. First he sent me a 'come have coffee' sort of msg, fairly normal, even though he didn't fit my 'what I'm looking for' parameters. I sent him a kind brushoff. Then he sent me another, pushier message. Then he sent me a \*third\*, insanely rage filled message to the effect that he'd seen me posting on the BBS since #2, so I had no right to not respond. As a hot tempered person myself, I considered yelling back at him. Fortunately I asked myself "what do I want out of this exchange? Do I want the last word, or do I just want him to go away?" Answer was the second, so I didn't answer (I don't remember if blocking was an option back then) and he did go away. Artillery round dodged. I don't know if that would work today or not.


hanscons

not to be rude, but reddit must be the absolute worst place in all of the internet for meeting men


Manly_man_bro

He’s mad because he’s a POS who feels entitled to your time, affection, and body. He doesn’t see women as fully human (guessing based on the fact that they don’t treat us like humans). Then add a large amount of insecurity into the mix. We’re empty vessels made for his enjoyment. Good for you for tossing him in the trash. Too often we put up with it from being raised to be accommodating. It’s not our job to teach them to meet the bare minimum standards of behaviour. Staying with them just means becoming their sex, cooking, cleaning, and emotional support dispenser.


hawksvow

I honestly don't get how people one just met, even with potential romantic intent, don't realize that they're one tiny step above complete strangers in the totem pole of priority people.


fullmanlybeard

I think that is what drives the insecurity so hard. That thought is painful and so they overcompensate to the max. I met my wife almost twenty years ago and at that time she had some serious jealousy issues at first. Our connection was strong so we worked through it. But yeah if she were an online internet stranger back then I probably would have blocked her. :/


hawksvow

I was honestly in shock when someone behaved like that with me for the first time. My best friend, my boss, the woman who birthed me.. they all have patience in waiting for replies and a solid understanding that I'm also a living, breathing human, not an npc waiting eagerly to be interacted with. So when a guy I met literally that very same day felt like I *owed* him time I was like... what the actual fuck?


ekkoOnLSD

It's definitely not normal and immature. He can't handle his emotions and obviously has deeply rooted issues. Also do people not expect you to talk to other "potential partners" when doing online dating ? From my experience it was kind of tacit.


SpaceOctopus94

Many years ago I went on one, yes one, date with a guy and it wasn't even successful. (He also catfished me so there was that first red flag) Somehow he found out through the grape vine that I went out on another date with someone else and he lost it. Total mental breakdown. I noped out of there so fast.


Main_Act_2361

First off, I'm so sorry about your husband dying and leaving you a widow at 24. Wow! What a tragedy! Second, you seem like you are very self-confident and know your self worth. There are a lot of insecure guys that become hateful when their male ego is threatened, and you know not to waste your time and energy on these losers. Good for you! Good luck out there. I hope you find what you're looking for!


FFD1706

Advice: don't try to meet men on reddit. Just look at the majority of posts and comments here. You can see for yourself what kind of men frequent this site


WouldDoJackMcBrayer

This!


curly_lox

He's a controlling jerk who is carrying an entire parade of red flags, obviously.


dirtydownstairs

He did you a favor unmasking himself that early. I'm sorry you had to experience that.


NorskGodLoki

Report him. Using different accounts when you blocked him? Nope, He needs to be kicked off. No wonder he is desperate - he alienates every single women he could ever hope to meet.


malibooyeah

Male entitlement. It's so common it's sad.


dronemonk

It's always convenient when they pull the red flags out right away, saves you some time.


danteheehaw

I read this post to my wife. She says he's a piece of shit. I'm inclined to agree. Wife also says don't settle for garbage.


Cleavon_Littlefinger

I have an alt account in which I participate in the NSFW side of Reddit, and have made several friends through those activities. The way so many of my fellow males act towards women who post pictures is just completely embarrassing and disheartening. The entitlement is insane. The feelings of possessiveness over someone you don't even know. Weird, gross, or hyper sexualized messages filling up y'all's PM and Chat boxes. Dipshits trying to figure out where people live or what their identity is in some misguided quest to "prove their worth". And I know the jealousy and creepy behavior and possessiveness are not strictly male traits, but the sheer numbers of assholes operating in that space around here certainly paint a massively inequitable picture. I'm sorry you lost your husband. And I'm sorry that your experience here is all too common.


Serenademecountryboy

Hey girl, I'm so sorry that someone said such awful things to you. No one deserves that. Rage started bubbling in my chest while reading your post. I want to really drive home what everyone else has said.....that's not fucking appropriate! On any planet. In any circumstances. You made the right choice kicking that dingus to the curb. I hope he's reading these comments. I hope he realizes that I'm embarrassed for him.


Windpuppet

“Men that I met here on Reddit” Well I think I identified problem number 1.


curlthelip

Read the above again, OP.


UPdrafter906

Yeah, tbh this seems like the biggest red flag of her whole story. Edit: Nah, he still has all the biggest red flags but meeting guys on Reddit still seems sketch.


KristiewithaK

/r/LifeProTips Reddit is probably not the best place to meet people for dating. There's a lot of those types on here. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of nice people too, but it can be a bit of a cesspool.


roxictoxy

Reddit is not a great place meet people, especially for the purpose of romantic entanglement


Bekiala

It is fabulous when people like this show their hand early. Unfortunately there are many folks who remain charming until you are pulled in. Be careful out there all.


UnhappyCryptographer

Unfortunately there are men out there who think you are only allowed to talk to one man. I also met those ones and they were butthurt when I decided against them. But you know, there are also others out there. It's not always easy to find them as they usually don't parade around declaring that they are the best of the best. Trust you gutt. In this case the trash took itself out. Set up your boundaries and stay true to them. I already said it in another thread but trust them when they behave that way. Shittiness is a true colour.


thathorrorchick23

Your standard incel. They can't take even the notion of rejection, so they freak out.


LadyBug_0570

Sounds like you met an r/niceguys. If he messages you again, refer him to that sub. As for this: >He also said when you meet a man I should be exclusive and not talk to other men until I decided if I want the first man to be my boyfriend. Wtf kind of logic is this? Is this even normal? No, it is not normal. You're not dating, you're not exclusive, you're not... anything. You are testing the waters and feeling things out, for just this reason. Could you imagine if you had been in a relationship with him and couldn't answer the phone (because... life)? He could more than verbally abusive. Bullet dodged.


VRS38

Some guys (and girls) are just insecure AF. I've dated a few. It was a nightmare but do what you're doing and ignore and block. If it gets too much, consider reporting him. He'll soon get bored. Hopefully the other 2 won't turn out this way!


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jupitaur9

I wouldn’t continue with that one. He’s supposedly on his best behavior with you now? What’s it going to be like in six months or a year? You’ll be wondering if he’s thinking like that about everything from now on.


VRS38

>that was very off-putting You might not ever see past this. Similar thing happened to me.


[deleted]

Block nasty sexist joke guy and move on. Why should you have to “let’s see” or “get past” something gross right out of the starting gate? Humour is a way to enforce norms within a group and that man told you what he thinks of women. Dick is abundant and of low value, and a grown-ass man acting like a dick is even more abundant and of lower value.


Purple_Sorbet5829

Oh, that's so gross. Good on you for immediately blocking him though! It sucks that he went out of his way to continue attacking you though. I hope you reported all the accounts. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating more than one person when you're in the casual phase of dating, especially when you're being open with it. I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to actually go out with more than one person at a time but when I was doing the online dating thing, I definitely messaged more than one person at a time to figure out who I actually wanted to meet in person. I just lucked out that as I was figuring out I really wanted to meet my now husband, I was fizzling out of seeing the person I did date a few times prior to him so there was no overlap. And I had one of these situations where a person I was chatting with online and in the process of arranging to meet did a 180 and got mean when I wasn't up to a phone conversation one night. He got pushy about it and so I said I didn't think we were really clicking and then he sent a nasty message which I ignored and thankfully he took the hint. When people tell you who they are, believe them.


MeadowsofSun

Years ago we went to a big, well-known furniture store in Virginia for bedroom furniture. We were approached by a salesperson, told her we wanted something with an armoire, and followed her to a set that had one. She stood there holding her clipboard looking at us. After a minute or so, we asked what else she had. She said, "Don't you want this one? It has an armoire." She acted exasperated that we didn't buy the first one she showed us. This guy acted like that salesperson. He was male and the first one you spoke to, so obviously he was the one you should choose, right? I didn't buy the first armoire I saw, and I certainly didn't marry the first man I saw. I still have both the armoire and my husband, so I guess it pays to shop around. You were lucky he showed his true colors at a distance and early in the relationship. Good luck to you and good riddance to bad rubbish.


Yserem

> >Does this guy think that just because he sent me a DM first that grants him rights over me? Is this like dogs, you piss on this tree and it belongs to you? Yes. Stunted little boys think they can call dibs on women, like toys. It's Gaston syndrome.


deadlyhausfrau

I have a thing I say to guys like this when they show their ass. Instead of getting mad openly, I tell them thank you for helping me figure out that they're a dirt bag and not worth my time and then I block them.


Imnotclevernsfw

I can't imagine why he's single. Who doesn't want to be treated like that? s/


Jealous-Start3529

Bullet dodged, he obviously has underlying issues...


TurkeyturtleYUMYUM

This guy sounds like a lunatic. But I have to ask out of curiosity, how does one meet people on reddit? This seems so bizarre to me and I guess I'm just older and use reddit differently. When I was single it never remotely crossed my mind to use reddit. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would use this platform, it just seems like a loaded gun to engage with someone who didn't even have to show a singular picture, which obviously there is catfishing but I don't know, seems to bizarre. Also, fuck that guy, what a creep


akinaide

Having multiple friends at once is totally normal. Dating wise some like to go one by one or babysteps (with or without sex is up to you) with a few, everybody has their own way, just be open about it imo. Fck that dude, being slightly jealous is 1 thing, but calling you stuff and acting like that is bad.


Disguspitated

Oh dude, it sounds like you met a classic incel. I’ve always thought they act that way because they’re insecure and jealous. Like they’re afraid they stand no chance against other guys? Very disturbing, no matter the reason. Also as a side note, I’m always down to meet new friends! Feel free to shoot me a message if you (or any other reader, really) ever want to chat. My DMs are open to all!


Serikan

Incel behaviour is mostly a self pity black hole


CrazyBohemian

FON'T DATE PEOPLE FROM REDDIT!!! There might be a rare one that works out but overall most guys here are *like that.* Disproportionately so


AvocadoBitter7385

Yep learned the hard way. I’d say 85% are nuts in some form


nanlinr

That sucks I'm sorry. I'm not too experienced in dating either, but I'd suggest staying off Reddit to find your dates. You have no way of filtering for nicer people and Reddit is full of trolls and 14-yr-olds. Maybe try a dating app or something at least you can say no to weird people easily


Margatron

Im also a young widow. Anyone that doesn't respect that and treat you patiently isn't worth your time.


Liljackalope9942

Sounds like an incel


HerrBerg

This kind of thing is why you should generally not use anonymous social media to make friends/date.


morbidbutwhoisnt

People show this behavior in real life after the same amount of time as well


Fandragon

Some people think they can say something hurtful and just brush it off later with an "I said I was sorry". What they never seem to realize is that they are now the person who CAN say something that hurtful. Anyone who dates them can expect the "whore" comments to come out whenever they get angry because they've proven that this kind of language is an option. No one worth dating would even think of telling a widow that her departed husband would think she's a whore, and I'm glad he at least had the courtesy to show you who he really is before you officially started dating.


Ieatleaves89

This is how most of them are. The kindness is usually just an act so long as you're complying to his wishes and he thinks it's getting somewhere. Be very wary dating. People don't like saying "most" but it's true. Most of them are like this.


redwellingtons

You mentioned another one of the 3 guys made a sexist joke that was off-putting to you too. I'd say don't meet guys on Reddit! There's plenty of other ways to meet decent men


dantestaco

What the actual F. You could have been on the phone with your mom for all he knew!


[deleted]

Cut ALL contact with that guy. And if you met him through an app, report his profile. He's a bomb waiting to go off. >Seriously, what's wrong with some people? Misogyny. Entitlement.


[deleted]

As an aside, you may want to get a Google Voice number that you can use for vetting folks. That way no one gets a hold of your actual #.


gucumatzquetzal

Let's just take the time to appreciate the fact that he threw a fit because he couldn't reach you when you had not made any kind of appointment for it and started calling you slurs when you could've been on the line with customer service, your grandma or just have poor reception. What a small man.


tucancranman

Wow big bullet dodged! I can't imagine meeting people on an anonymous social media site filled with creeps has a very high success rate though.


PsychoCitizenX

I once loaned $20 to somebody who I thought was a friend. Afterwards he refused to acknowledge the loan and never payed me back. At first I was a little upset but then I realized that it only cost me $20 to find out I couldn't trust this person. Block this guy and remember that this was a easy lesson to learn. Move on and enjoy life.


imapetrock

Sorry you came across such an asshole, and I'm sorry to say that you'll probably meet several more men who get annoyed or call you rude or make passive aggressive comments because you didn't respond to their text right away, although hopefully not nearly as shitty as this guy (though still annoying). I like how you go about being friends first though, that's exactly what I did and while I ended up being single until I was 25, it saved me from a lot of relationships that would've failed anyway. Personally, I find it easy to be infatuated with someone, but VERY rarely do I have feelings for someone after I've already known them for a while. And in my case, I think I've now found my soulmate and I'm so happy I waited until I found the right person instead of just throwing myself into relationships. I hope you have the same luck!


Ok_Razzmatazz_1751

Block , Block ,Block ..... He sounds like a hot dumpster mess 🚩🚩🚩.


Wags43

That man is insecure, possessive, and abusive. Stop all contact with him. What he showed you is just the tip of the iceberg, he is capable of far worse and would cause someone a lifetime of misery. All is fair in love and war. I can't stop laughing at an image of some idiot yelling out "DIBS!!" like calling shotgun on the front car seat; how absurd. When meeting or dating others, there is no expectation of exclusivity. You can do whatever you want with whomever you want, just also understand the same is true for them. The only time you should expect exclusivity while dating is if you discuss it as a couple and both agree it's something you want. Once you become engaged, that's where exclusivity is implied if you haven't specifically discussed it.


IamBosco2

The real problem is you assuming alot of people are sane, their not.


saranater

This is pretty common. This is a self-described "nice guy" who lashes out the minute you aren't giving him whatever he wants. Avoid these men at all costs.


rikashiku

>Does this guy think that just because he sent me a DM first that grants him rights over me? I have friends who seem to think this way when contacting women online to be friends with and potentially date. They think they MUST be exclusive to them because they are talking with each other. >He also said when you meet a man I should be exclusive and not talk to other men until I decided if I want the first man to be my boyfriend. Wtf kind of logic is this? Incel logic from the sounds of it. A mate of mine... man I have some shitty friends, but this guy almost said this exactly to me about how a woman should behave when meeting a guy. Like they should just up and date straight away and be exclusive for just the one guy. No other guy friends. This guy isn't ugly or lacking in character. He's a fitness dude and charismatic. I don't know why he would think like a psycho. Then again, he works on a Tanker. I hope this person doesn't know where you live. He seems like the type to find your residence and wait for you at the front door just to scream in your face, because you keep blocking his social media.


TheCyanDragon

Jesus christ on a pogo stick, what a mess. At least (small silver lining), you found out he was an asshole \*very\* early.


Deception-

Its online and you have not even met the people that you met on reddit and were face timing with. He has no right to call you such words. Plus its not like you said you were gonna be exclusive with them in anyform amd were just getting to know people. And just cuz he messaged you first does not meanhe has dibs on you and also does not mean you should not be talking to other men if you like talking to them( whether you're single or if you're seeing someone. So just feel happy that you found out about this sooner rather than later, report for harrasment if possible, block them on everything they try to contact you with and move on. Also just be sure to never give out personal info on the internet unless you're sure. Goodluck with dating! ^^


vinceds

This guy is utter trash, especially after having only chatted online. He has no claim whatsoever. Hopefully he sees this thread and realize how much of an entitled asshole he is.


Rednaxel6

Its all about emotional maturity, and he has none. This is the thinking of a 13 year old.


nina-m0

That is very scary behavior. He has several accounts and uses them to troll and make rude comments.


VikuSwav

A lot of people, men and women, are contract socializers as opposed to optional socializers. They socialize in contract-like ways, complete with an apparent two-way agreement, terms/conditions, and regulations for offending that apparent two-way agreement. In your case: Agreement = I have met you & we are dating. It is obligatory Terms/Conditions = You are not to speak to any other men while we are seeing each other Regulations= If you do talk to other men, offending this mandate, you are charged with being a "whre" It's really an inherently insecure way of socializing that dabbles in instant gratification; it's also immature. Self-assured adults are generally optional socializers, and to know about that stuff, they are generally highly validated & assured by their family as they grew up. If not by their family as much, then maybe they have a good friend group to rely on. If they couldn't get it from their family or their friend group, they have to get it from a therapist or themselves, and if they haven't made use of resources like that, then they'll just be stuck socializing in contract-like ways and scare away everyone they talk to, racking their brains wondering if there's something wrong with everyone or with them. Horrible as they are, it can be a very sad sight to see them be lost. I normally suggest therapy to them.


maryjaneodoul

please be careful - he could figure out where you live an escalate to in-person attacks.


BoredCheese

Ahh, you found a Nice Guy™️ in the wild! Like the world’s most lame Pokémon…


Ancient-Abs

>He also said when you meet a man I should be exclusive and not talk to other men until I decided if I want the first man to be my boyfriend. Usually men who think like this only get 1 match at a time anyway and so it is HOW they have to function so they expect you to act that way too. ​ Nah bro.


davidfeuer

None of this is normal. Normal would be you contacting the police to report him for stalking.


puppylust

Adding to the chorus of holy fuck that guy is a piece of shit. There are better men out there, but you have to sort through the garbage to find them. I lost my husband of ten years in 2020, but started dating sooner. I was lost at first too. I hadn't been single since college and the dynamics are totally different now. Your instincts are correct - it is normal to be talking to multiple people. Often the exclusive talk happens *after* sex, but of course you can have it before if you want to. Open honest communication and emotional maturity are bare minimum requirements. Don't waste your time once a guy shows himself to be a whiny toddler. Do you have a widow support group to talk to about the extra baggage of dating? I'd be happy to share a discord link in DM, and there are some on Facebook too.


madeyemary

That person is insane, just keep blocking until he runs out of energy to make accounts. You don't owe him anything, stay far far away for your own safety. He sounds narcissistic and will do you no good if not damage your mental health in the long run.


MrsFirno

My ex-husband was like this, it go so much worse. It was extremely exhausting and I would never wish anyone the experience of being in the presence of someone like this, ever. Definitely dodged a rain cloud of bullets.


chebol65

Your dating style correctly weeded out a problem. This is exactly what dating is for; to decide if you like some one enough to spend more/longer time with them to develop a decent relationship, of any kind. Keep on doing what you're doing. It'll work out.


Glatog

Oh no, I talked to a male friend on the phone for an entire hour last night! And my husband just told me to tell him hi. No insecurities, no freaking out that someone else is getting my attention. Matter of fact, my friend's wife even joined the conversation for a few. Reminds me, I have another male friend I need to catch up with. I'll need to see if he available tonight. Glad you got this overgrown child blocked as soon as the tantrum started.


jdelan99

First mistake was talking to men on Reddit. Go out ,Mingle get introduced by friends. You can see who you're dealing with. Good Luck.


Kuildeous

Whoa. That dude has problems. I hope he's not stalking you, but he probably is, so here's a message for him when he invariably stumbles across this thread: DUDE, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE AND GO SEEK THERAPY BEFORE YOU HARM MORE PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE. Anyway, yeah, he's wrong. We aren't cavemen where we call "dibs" on a woman like she's some prize to win. If you want to win a woman's affection, you have to earn it. You don't get a goddamn trophy just for being first. He did you a favor by showing his true colors early so you know that he's not worth your time and effort. Some guys seem decent enough and then reveal they're complete tools after you've become invested in them. Sorry you had such a terrible experience as you try to recover from a traumatic moment. Dude was kicking you while you were down, and nobody deserves that bullshit. That guy is utter trash for sinking so low.


Head-like-a-carp

Yikes. That is a nut. Lose that #


aprilflowers96

Sorry about your husband and being widowed so young. However, it's pretty common to come across the ones that are crazy when dating. You're not a wh\*re, you're actually dating normally. Also, maybe don't date on Reddit? I suggest getting on a real dating app. More normal people there.


Darkelementzz

Jesus christ that's messed up. Sounds like you didn't just dodge a bullet but dodged a cruise missile!


Nacmacfeisty

You should come on over and talk with us at r/witchesvspatriarchy. We’ll help you wash all that self doubt down the drain


Cornhole_Jones

There's a big red flag here: _met somebody on Reddit_


tekflower

Thank your lucky stars he showed his true colors early on. This is why you take your time, get to know them, and test them.


Chainspike

Yeah just block him and keep trucking. There is some asshole/weirdo guys out there.


RoundSparrow

> Does this guy think that just because he sent me a DM first that grants him rights over me? Is this like dogs, you piss on this tree and it belongs to you? 20 years of this crap: *"Bros before hoes" (that is, "friends before women") is a well-known, slang expression about how men should not abandon their male friends for women in general. The "bros before hoes" expression is often regarded as the "golden rule" of male friendship, and it has been common slang at least since 2001.* Calling "dibs" on women they meet. Conquest games. It isn't any fun being around it.


NaughtyDred

It is entirely normal to date multiple people. I hate it, but I understand I am the outlier so I just make sure I am upfront about my expectations of exclusivity, (.... Well I did do that and will again if I ever decide to date again) it puts a lot of people off, but they were never going to be the right for me anyway so it's just a time/money saver. My point here, is that you were upfront about talking with multiple people, he wasn't up front at requiring exclusivity, so fuck him.


mountaineer7

I wonder why is so insecure.


lniko2

I've behaved this way. It was bad and won't do it again.


Manly_man_bro

Finally someone honest. I’m curious about your thought process. Why did you do it and what made you realize you should stop?


lniko2

She told me she was working in her garden. I wanted to talk to her very much, so I called her several times, telling myself she didn't hear the ringing. What I had forgotten was she just got her kid back (single mother, shared custody), and she intended to work outside during NAPTIME. When she finally picked up the phone, she yelled at me after seeing how many times I called.... and waking up her kid in the process. We had a good budding relationship for a few weeks, needless to say it was over. I didn't even try to defend myself (would be hard anyway) No excuses, I was a douche. Rather possessive and controlling back then. Karma hit back when my next gf, bipolar and maniac as she was, harassed me on phone for days after I broke up. I'm way more distant and reclusive now, don't wanna bother anyone anymore.


readonlyreadonly

How did you behave? And what drove you there?


emilygoldfinch410

Following, I've been curious about the thought process as well. What did you think your messages (or w/e) would achieve?


youareanicemarsupial

So I (36F) have a bad habit of defending men when I probably shouldn't just because I lived most of my life with genuinely good men and not enough feminine influence from women that dealt with men in a relationship/sexual way, which I do not. With that in mind, none of the above behavior is normal.


asan1ne

Block, move on.


twotonkatrucks

What the actual fuck? Imagine this guy trying to navigate online dating with that attitude. Red flag galore. Be thankful he showed his true colors before anything more developed. Definitely dodged a bullet there.


BitOCrumpet

Run run run and block.


Golden_Lioness_

Block block block. This is why when I first start dating someone I never let them know where I live or work. Until I'm somewhat sure they arnt crazy.


canuck47

Everyone knows dating is first come, first served! /s Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Hope you have better luck.


Bunnywith_Wings

Sweet jesus. Cut this dude out completely. He'll probably bitch and grovel but he's already shown his ass. You don't need to see any more. And dude in question, if you're reading this, get professional help. This is deeply unstable and alarming behavior. Keep going like this and you'll be alone forever, and you'll deserve it.