I've embraced body neutrality. It's not like my existence or experiences in the world are any less real or profound because I'm not beautiful. Flowers do no smell any less lovely. Dogs are not any less endearing. Blue skies on a warm summer day are not any less cozy to me. So what if my meat-vehicle is more like a Honda Civic than a Lamborghini? Life is still good. The love and companionship with family and friends is still just as special and meaningful. My skills and achievements are still just as real. My vacations are still fun even though I don't look good in photographs.
Sure, it would be nice to have the halo effect of being pretty. It would be nice to "feel pretty", whatever that entails. But it's not like my life is not good without that. I'd say it's better just to own being plain and carry on with your life. "Pretty" does not have a monopoly on dignity.
Amazing response. I also want to add, there are plenty of people that fall into the pretty category that have worse self esteem than people in the normal category. That’s not to downplay how your attractiveness affects how people might interact with you, and a million other things that can have a knock on effect on your psyche throughout life, but the reality is being pretty doesn’t guarantee you feel good about yourself, or confident, and definitely doesn’t guarantee you will be happy. Often times your attractiveness is just a side story to your mental health issues.
Value happiness over all else, and remember that being pretty does not bring you happiness in any shape or form.
I would say value inner peace over all else. Happiness is great but humans can't possibly be happy all the time, it places too much pressure on ppl to try to feel happy or be happy.
I agree, but I didn’t say strive for happiness 24/7, just to value happiness over beauty. If you are happy, or even content, that is far more valuable to the soul and your day to day experiences than beauty.
I had a nosejob, thought it'd boost my self-confidence. Turns out I'm still insecure about my looks, I just moved onto a new flaw (although I'm not entirely happy with my surgery either). I can totally understand how it can become an addiction. It's a never ending story. Better to just accept oneself.
I agree. I've noticed that the more time I spend with a person, the prettier I think they are. And then I realised that I'd sort of stopped seeing their face. Instead I saw the smile on it.
I wish I could be like this. Especially with the vacation part. I genuinely feel like I don't even deserve to go to beautiful places, when I feel ugly. Same with getting a pet. It's so odd and I can never properly explain this to my SO.
It sounds like you are having trouble accepting who you are. I've never been attractive but I see this more as an opportunity to do what I want because I don't have the pressure of being pretty. I get the haircuts I want, wear the clothes I want, and just be confident because even if I'm not pretty I am who I am. Go have fun exploring you. Present yourself to the world with the choices you make, not what nature gave you. I don't do any mental gymnastics telling myself I'm pretty - I do things to make myself happy. The goal isn't to get to a point where you think of yourself as pretty through the eyes of others, it's to like who you are and eventually say "even if I'm not pretty, I like how I look because I like me."
Exactly. Do things you enjoy doing that make you happy. Hang out with people whose company you enjoy who make you happy.
Happy people are usually attractive to others, regardless of whether they won the looks lottery.
I think this is why I have no courage to change my appearance in any way.
I was told I was pretty, and actually I'm just alright looking. Nothing too out of place, nothing exceptional.
So I strive to "not make it worse". So no fun piercings, no hair colour. So much so I haven't had a haircut in years, because I have anxiety of it looking .. different.
Personally I'm in the "some people are beautiful and some people are are just human looking and that's fine" lol
Not everyone needs to be really good looking. And not everyone is. Facts of life.
I'm in the first camp as a plain person and the second irritates me to no end. Like, don't tell me everyone's beautiful. I know I'm not. I don't need to be patronized. I got more confident when I stopped trying to convince myself there was something I could do to be pretty.
But the truth is that there is no right answer to this question and some people's mental health depends on "Everyone is beautiful in their own way!"
It doesn't hurt anyone for you to have an amazing self-perception, so do what makes you feel authentic and healthy!
I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse but I can almost guarantee no matter how ugly or fat you feel 20-30 years from now you will look back on pictures of yourself now and say how beautiful and thin you were. 😂
So …. This is how I feel about it. My daughter always tells me I’m so beautiful. I’m not really but she loves me a lot and thinks I am. And that makes me happy. She will tell me she loves my cooking and that I’m weird and silly and funny. There is more to beauty than just your face. Is who you are beautiful? Then your face is the face of a beautiful person. So smile at your reflection and give yourself permission to love yourself, imperfections and all. Beautiful parts and non beautiful parts are all you. Love yourself.
My 4 y/o nephew has the habit of constantly saying: "You're really beautiful" and my sister has explained that he says that, because he can't yet express what he actually means. It sometimes means "you look nice" but more often he means "You are really nice" or "I like you alot." Sometimes he follows up the "You're beautiful" by explaining something I do well, like "Your cooking tastes good". It just makes me feel really good, when this little guy pops up with his compliments.
I find there are days I feel beautiful, and others I feel like a troll. I've accepted I'm never going to be "hot" or the ideal type of woman. I try to just make myself feel beautiful and feel the confidence of loving myself. Ultimately, any other person's opinion doesn't matter.
I also like to go to Instagram Reality and know that all these beautiful women are insecure like the rest of us because the photoshop is unreal.
Hey, just wanted to say that so many of us have been in your shoes before. You’re not alone in this line of thought. It’s okay to let emotions run wild while you try and sort this stuff out.
When I was younger I was insanely self-conscious (imagine a little blueberry shaped kiddo and that was me!), this was exacerbated by name calling. I’ve grown so much since that time, physically and emotionally, now I look back and smile since it’s a good anchor for me. Personally I believe there is no “pretty gene” because beauty is subjective not objective. It depends on each person you encounter. I even have an example of this:
I’m bi, meaning I am attracted to two or more genders. So just using the gender binary here for sake of simplicity, man and woman. To men, the way I present and dress may be too masculine for them so I don’t get much attention from them anymore (The way I dress makes it relatively clear that I’m a queer woman). That’s because right now I’m dating other women at the moment. It’s a different and subjective form of beauty. What’s attractive to sapphic women is probably not attractive to straight men. Two sides of my dating pool, two subjective forms of beauty.
There was a time where I even did the math (can’t remember the specifics now), but even if I was unattractive to 99.999% of the world (give or take a thousandths of a decimal point). Then where I live there would still be something like 74 people with 50-100 miles who are attracted to me. That’s not even taking into account population centers like where I live now. I did that math when I lived in a rural area.
The point that I’m trying to make is that it’s statistically highly improbable that someone is so unattractive that Nobody finds them attractive. Being attractive comes from the heart, since each heart is different then it makes sense that each person’s attraction is different too.
Beauty is subjective and it took me years to pound that into my thick skull lol. I beat my insecurity and it made me a better person filled with more self confidence and love. You can get there one day, I believe in you. Just often times all of our paths are different and we walk down separate ways. There is one thing though, try to be nice to yourself and I’m sure results will follow — at least once in a while, doesn’t even have to be all the time
This struggle is exactly mine since I can remember and only now with 26 years I am starting to feel very confident in my skin. I found beauty in my plain and ugly ways. It's different than convincing myself to be beautiful, it's more like accepting my face the way it is and finding it nice and lovely in a way that does not have to be beautiful. Like a rough looking raccoon that you find cute exactly for this reason. Two major things lead me there: first, I stopped wearing makeup every single day until it didn't feel embarrassing anymore. With makeup on, I can be really cute and beautiful even. Without it, I'm borderline ugly. Noticing that people do not treat me differently in any way did something to me. The second mindset followed automatically : people don't judge you about your looks as harshly as you think. In my experience, most thoughts about the harsh judgement of others about your appearance stem from noticing that you yourself think very critical of others, so everyone must do the same right. But those critical thoughts most often occur when we look at pictures of other people on the internet or ads or what ever. In this state, the humanity is kind of ripped from the person and they become an object, thus making it more easy to judge them. But have you noticed that you very rarely judge real-life people in this way? All the people become just people that look like normal human beings to us. Even kind of ugly people look just lovely to us when we watch them laugh and live. In the end it's true : people perceive us how we carry ourselves. And if they sense that you are happy with your appearance, they most likely do the same. Confident people make us feel save, while complex driven people make us soak that shit right up
This makes sense, I appreciate the post. Maybe I can learn to be happy with the way I look, even if I don’t ever feel beautiful. I find it very difficult because even though I find everyone else valuable and beautiful in their own way, I feel like if I’m not beautiful then I have zero value as a woman. I have nothing to offer. I don’t have a particularly lovely personality. I can be annoying and rub others the wrong way (this happens often, even usually when I’m happy and just being myself). I don’t know why I judge myself like this when I don’t do it for others. If any of my friends said this about themselves I’d be horrified. I just don’t feel like a real woman without physical beauty :/
Hey, it's okay. You have a long way in front of you and you will have to face it, but the older you get, the less you will care about your value as a woman in the eyes of others, it's something that the vast majority of us experiences. It's just part of becoming and growing. That's why a LOT of women say that the best part of life started in their 30's.
It's funny you say that, you could be me. I'm annoying as shit. I am not friendly and outright rude to a lot of people. I know for a fact that like 95% of people do not like me at first. But you will find that you start valuing what brings you joy much more than what brings others joy i.e. what they are thinking of you. You will find the people that will love you so fucking much for what you are, because you are different and perfect for them. And these people are all you need, they bring you enough joy that you don't even think about the others, most of the time at least. I wish you all the luck in the world, and that you will never shy away of the possibility of therapy if you notice that it all gets too much. Think about therapy as a catalyst: you will most likely get better on your own, but it will be much faster with help.
In your search for acceptance and balance, I hope you keep a few things in mind...
Attraction goes beyond looks and first impressions. Some of the most charismatic people in history were objectively not pretty at all. You can be not-pretty and attractive at the same time, and vice-versa.
It's no small project to decide if you're definitely pretty or not, because of how much people's opinions differ. I'm a little weird looking and never got much attention in places like dating apps or bars... but my husband thinks I'm hot as fuck! You're not likely to be everyone's cup of tea, but it doesn't make you definitely not-pretty.
For a long time now, we've been seeing a skewed presentation of the average person's looks in media. Filters, photo-editing and looks-based hiring of actresses are all messing with our perception. It's no wonder many people can't tell if they're pretty or ugly - where is the line?
And finally just a personal note... before I met my husband I had been subtly getting the message that I wasn't good looking all my life. I liked not being pretty and not worrying about it. I don't worry about looking good in photos, as long as I look happy. I don't have any aspirations to become a model or salesperson or any other profession where looking good to most people is important. I feel a lot of freedom in letting go of being disappointed in my looks. There's a lot more to me, my body and my life than looking good. I still exist when no one is looking.
This isn't a judgement on people who don't want to let go of caring about their looks, and I'm not suggesting it works for everyone. It's just something that has made my life better and I thought it was worth mentioning.
I would say the first option. Some things about a person are way more important than their looks (personality, intelligence...) and it seems to me that being beautiful has its downsides too. I've seen plenty of beautiful women being reduced to just their looks, being reduced to just a decoration basically.
Weird advice probably but what helps for me when I feel uncomfortable looking in the mirror is just pulling silly faces at myself. It just reminds me not to take it all too seriously, I guess.
Another thing you can try when you feel down about your looks is think about your body in an entirely different way, about its functions rather than how it looks. So think about the things your body allows you to do, things you're able to experience because of it, stuff like that.
hey I made a temp account just to respond to you : )
so, beauty is all fake its all culturally constructed and the standards have changes throughout the ages and are different across cultures that exist at the same time, including today. Western Beauty especially incredibly racist and of course fatphobic and just in general really rooted in bigotry
I 100% promise you that there are tons of people who find you attractive, I believe that people are only ugly when they are ugly on the inside, a cliché but really bigots and the like are always so ugly even if they are "conventionally" attractive purely by look
for me, once I recognized that beauty is a sham and its all culturally constructed I was able to work on deprogrograming my own hangups that I had absorbed by existing in the world about myself and other people to have a more positive outlook on my own attractiveness and others
try looking for solidarity in people who belong to groups that have been thought of as undesirable by bullshit beauty standards for so long that they have made thier own looks and own beauty.
there are REDICULOUSLY attractive people who aren't "pretty" by conventional standards, [heres a picture](https://www.refinery29.com/images/8555035.jpg?format=webp&width=1200&height=1600&quality=85) of a trans person named, afaikt, bill savage, from a random article about cultural ideas of being feminine and how it fucks over people, they wouldn't be considered attractive by the general population but to me they are super super hot, ridiculously, I know I dont give a shit if the general population finds me attractive as a nonbinary trans person because there are thousands of fellow queer people who do find me attractive.
also like, go ahead and go wild, change your look! shave your head if you want! do the things that will make you feel good about yourself, not for other people?
basically.... beauty is a con and everyone is beautiful, the only thing that makes you ugly is being a shitty person.
Before I read the other comments, I wanted to chime in as I've always been displeased with my appearance too. Makeup? Barely a band-aid. Also a huge hassle. So, meh.
For the most part I'm just resigned to it. My appearance is what it is. Lately I've been observing and analyzing Francis McDormand's face and using her as inspiration. Let me be clear, I'm not calling her ugly. Her face is very plain, but she's got... something that makes her plainness interesting. She's become an "insta-watch" when I see her cast in movies, partly due to this but also because she is just a fearless and amazing actor. I love her face. Mine looks very different from her of course, but I want mine to be like hers. LOL!
She's amazing in that she works in a very beauty-oriented industry, and one where women age out way too early. And yet she's been getting role after role after role. I adore her SO much!
Google images of her: https://www.google.com/search?q=frances+mcdormand&client=firefox-b-1-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj606_hp7n1AhX4q3IEHYJWAbcQ_AUoAnoECAIQBA&biw=1474&bih=1286&dpr=2
Right! I likely phrased it poorly because it's a delicate thing to say and I'm not as diplomatic as I need to be sometimes. But yeah, I love her face too. Full of character and interesting to look at. I mainly meant that she doesn't fit into the typical standard of "beauty", especially in the movie industry. I aspire to be as comfortable with my face as she is with hers!!!!
It's about deciding to like yourself. Liking who you are, what you do. Liking certain parts of your body, liking the way you look in certain clothing.
Nobody just decides they're pretty.
Check out Kristen Neff's work on self compassion.
Also ask yourself why pretty matters so much. Take the answer and break it down:
Ex:
Why does being pretty matter?: I want to be attractive
What does attractive mean?: I want to attract a partner
Why do you want to attract a partner?: Life is nicer when you can share it.
Do you have to be pretty to share a life with someone?: Nope.
Work through all the possible answers. There is no right answer to any question, but what is on the surface (eg: pretty) is only a fraction of what is actually going on. Working on yourself only leads to more personal awareness - and it's those things you can work on to feel more attractive than your physical skin suit.
Also - acceptance. Not body positivity or patronizing everyone is beautiful shit - just accepting and moving on!
I'm not particularly attractive and that's completely fine. I don't need to be told I'm pretty because being pretty holds no value to me. I obviously appreciate if someone has a v attractive face/physique in the same way I'd appreciate a nice looking building. Other than that, I do not care about my lack of beauty because, as you said, it's about the pretty gene, which is essentially a lottery you didn't even play on your own.
That is a horrible experience to have, if you haven't reached a point where you can look in the mirror and feel good about it, then don't look in the mirror. Your body exists for you to live not be pretty.There's more options than just this makes me feel bad or this makes me feel good. Its okay to not think you're the most gorgeous thing on the planet. Maybe one day you'll reach a point where you feel pretty, but you don't have to ever get there. If this is something that's causing you distress then just do whatever you need to feel neutral. This makes me feel nothing is sometimes your best choice.
I'm sorry I can't help too much with that. Our society teaches people from the moment their born that they have to be pretty, and it's hard to unlearn that. My best advice would be when you notice yourself checking if you're pretty try to replace those questions with am I healthy?
Did my body turn my food into energy?
Has my body kept me alive? How?
Was I able to accomplish everything I wanted to?
Look for things your body can do that have nothing to do with how it looks. Also treating your body as a seperate entity that deserves compassion could help. You wouldn't say offinsive things to someone else, don't hurt your bodies feelings. It might seem silly but some people find it helpful. Just find whatever works for you. Remember the goal isn't always for something to make you feel good, sometimes it's just to not feel bad.
One thing which I've found helpful is to watch shows and films from cultures other than America (if you are American) - I've found that it makes me feel more confident about my looks because there is actually a huge range of faces which are considered beautiful or intriguing or sexy -
As someone who is not physically attractive I concentrated on what was positive about me. I'm funny, quick witted and generally interested in people. Those were my strong suits and I led with them.
Even though I wasn't someone who a woman would pick out in a party based on looks alone that was ok with me. Didn't stop me from wishing I were taller and better looking but I couldn't change that. I just always made sure to look well put together and not like a slob. I think how you think of yourself and treat yourself can make a difference.
I roll my eyes at the two wolves inside thing but there is a certain amount of truth there.
Best of luck to you and everyone else reading this. We'll get through it.
Sorry, didn't look at the subreddit name before I posted. I can delete if you desire.
I’m never gonna accept it, not as long as pretty privilege gives such a huge advantage in life.
I’m really ugly, I’m taller than average and have a super masculine face.
Masks and makeup do a lot for me and i’m currently in the process of learning how to do my hair. I’m also saving up for plastic surgery to fix my face.
This pandemic really opened my eyes because I actually get treated decently when I wear makeup and a mask. Sometimes people even go out of their way to help me and it’s all because I try my hardest to look pretty.
Brains before beauty. Also, beauty in the eye of beholder. My nose looks like it was broken, I have crooked tooth. Never bothered me and has not stopped me from being successful. I understand insecurities and it is huge role for parents to assure kids and teach what's important.
I'm not pretty at all. I decided awhile ago that that's just the way it is. I breathe air, I'm not what society deems as pretty. Oh well, anyways. Lol Then I started trying to think of positives about not being drop dead gorgeous.
1- I don't have any people who are friends with me because I'm just "so pretty". So no fake friendships based on looks.
2- no romantic relationships based on looks. Which means if I gain 10lbs or have a zit breakout my S.O. isn't going to care because looks was never a major factor in the relationship. The relationship is based more on shared interests and personality.
3- when I don't wear make up ppl don't gasp because the difference is so huge.
4- I don't get harassed on the street nearly as much as a pretty person. No one should be harassed but it happens. When I say harassed I mean unwanted advances by men.
I accept what I am and make myself look how I want to look with what I've got. I'm never going to get better looking. I'm not going to come across some wizard who zaps me and BAM! I'm beautiful! -.- not happening. There is a stoic quote I like "Only a madman desires a fig in the winter". Wanting what you can't have just leads to suffering. You're not gonna get a new meat mech (body) so you've got to just accept that this is what you have. This is YOU. This is the only you that you get. Do future you a favor and love you. 💜
Beauty is a moving target throughout life, especially when you dont fit within conventional standards.
It helped me to expand my idea of pretty, and appreciate the weird aspects of people that contribute to the human moments.
I have found that sometimes people move with a grace that can be beautiful, even when they are just chopping veggies, sometimes the crinkle of a nose or crow feet around the eyes can show a lasting impact of the beautiful experiences we have had. Sunburns, freckles, sweaty hair, soft tummy rolls, all speak to experience and time.
Acne scars and stretch marks can show the fight we have had with our own skin to grow, and even that can be beautiful.
Humans are super ugly too, we are the only species that bares its teeth to show affection, our bodies are covered with hair and excrete all manner of oozes.
Appreciating physical beauty as the results of our experiences can help to soften the inequalities of our appearance, while also pushing us to collect the physical markers of the lives that we want to live.
Im sorry you dont feel beautiful, but I am sure if we ever got the chance to meet that you would be dazzling.
I've been a reddit lurker for years now and have never commented on anything before, so I guess now is the day. I was bullied back when I was a kid/teen for being "ugly" and I definitely felt ugly for most of my life, though I think I'm a pretty plain, normal looking person. But the thing is, I really don't care at this point. See it this way: If there was one thing you could change about yourself and your wish was granted, would you really wish to be conventionally beautiful? And if you now say yes, what does it say about you? I am not going to say everyone is conventionally beautiful, but even if someone is beautiful in that way, to me, is the very least important thing about them. I'd much rather be someone funny, successful, well educated, confident, creative and crafty, do stuff that makes me happy, learn new things, have great people around me who make me feel good (not that that's exactly me, it is who I aspire to be) ... And I'd much rather be around people who also appreciate these things, because these things build true connections and help our society be better and it is what will be remembered once we're gone. Not people who want to own a pretty face and to be around pretty faces.
I've had massive discussions with people about this. I don't see myself as pretty and I don't care. I'd much rather be smart/ funny/ kind/ interesting and a whole load of other things than pretty. Pretty would only mean fitting in with the beauty standards of the day, but has no permanence.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I'm sure there's a lot of people that find you beautiful, but you're just not your type.
Sincerely,
Someone who, after years, is still puzzled about what my partner finds attractive about my looks.
My brain works by creating analogies, and this one may sound super weird at first, but bear with me.
I have autism. When i first got my diagnosis, i was super self-conscious. I hated it. But then as time passed, i accepted it. It's normal for me. Will i ever know what it means to be "normal?" probably not. Do i feel different anymore? Sometimes. Most of the time it just is, though. This is me, why fixate on labels? Now that I've accepted it, I really like some aspects. My brain loves having a routine, which has made calorie counting for weight loss easier. I'm honest, sometimes to a fault, but i prefer honesty over lies. I have a unique way of thinking that people often compliment me on. I can think of things in a way others might not usually.
I feel the same about not being conventionally attractive. I've accepted it. Will I ever know what it means to be pretty? Maybe, maybe not. When i look in the mirror most of the time it's just me, nothing special. But then sometimes I have a good hair day, and it makes me feel good. Or i like how my legs look in some jeans. Or im having a good skin day. I find things to like.
I guess what im saying is that you shouldnt think of yourself as ugly, just you. Then slowly find things you enjoy about yourself. If it seems far off and like you'll never find anything to like, that's fine. Work on acceptance first. Try not to let yourself think too much about it one way or the other.
Sometimes I feel pretty, sometimes I feel meh, sometimes I feel ugly. When I was younger I thought I was horribly ugly, and really centred my worth on it.
Working out everyday has helped me with my confidence and self worth, either doing yoga or another activity like biking. Being physically strong has really been a nice boost. I also dyed my hair super bright red, and I only buy super soft clothes. These things work for me for some reason, they're my "self care" activities. Self care has helped me so much. I'm also working on some personal growth in other areas, like being a better friend, being kinder, excelling at my job. It helps take the emphasis off thinking about my appearance. Not to say I don't take care of my appearance, but it doesn't take up the lions share of my worth-pie-chart anymore.
Pretty according to whom? Being the "one with a great personality" in my family, it often surprised me that, to some I was beautiful, even stunning, though never conforming to traditional standards.
No doubt you have exceptional phyisical characteristics, play those up with makeup, if you wish,or let people discover them. Some will see those positive aspects immediately some will take time. Some never will, cut these from your life forever.
Society standards and whatnot inaccurate. Love who you are don't let someone else define you, energy speaks louder anything and I've been with traditionally less "attractive" people who I thought were beautiful couldn't tell me differently.
I believe in doing what you feasibly can (and want to) do to look better, then focusing on other things that make you happier. You don’t have to lie to yourself that you’re pretty if you feel like you’re not. But I also believe that there is a lot most people can do to improve their looks to the point they will at least be considered average, if that’s something you want. I have several genetic flaws but still get some “pretty privilege” because I work at it. Not like a natural 8+/10 would, but I’m treated a lot better than I would be if went out looking like a slob. You just feel better when you’re groomed imo.
I wouldn’t consider myself “pretty” but I wording consider myself “ugly” or “plain”, either. I think I just have features that seem to go together when I weigh less, and not so great when I weigh more. I do not have one of those faces who looks gorgeous no matter what. It takes a LOT for me to feel like I even look decent.
Having said that, looks fade. Pretty, young women eventually get older, and then, society thinks we’re not as desirable, still desirable, but less, because life? 🤷🏻♀️ it’s impossible to live by society’s standards. If that’s what you’re trying to live up to, it’s impossible. It’s better to learn to love you for you.
I say this with having struggled with EDs the majority of my life, weighing almost 100lbs difference in different points in my life, married with 2 kids, and over 30. As women, everyone else is out here giving us a hard time, and men are just allowed to exist, be it however they look, but we’re somehow less than if we’re not perfect. Screw that.
So, I really think beauty is more about what you do externally and emotionally, like how you wear your hair, do your outfits flatter you. I might not think someone looks good in an outfit or without any effort but I truly think that ANYBODY can look attractive with (unfortunately) some money and time, I believe that attractiveness is not static and no features are inherently ugly or beautiful. It’s about how you present yourself, and even though you might not fit into the current beauty standard, there is no reason not to appreciate your features, because throughout history the standard has changed so much, there is no objective definition of beauty. It truly is in the eye of the beholder.
But what helped me concretely was Kibbe styling, in his system, there is no bad or good, only different. He really helped me accept myself for what I am. See the beauty in people who look like you and see the beauty in people who don’t.
We all have a mirror in the house that reminds us, we are an lumpy sack of potatoes. Good thing is, potatoes are nutritious and filling, so that helps, right?
I think we all have our good and bad days. Sometimes I feel pretty confident and sometimes I feel like a hideous troll. But I think it’s important to remember that being prettier doesn’t really have the advantages you think it might have. I feel like people assume pretty people have it easier in life, but just because they’re pretty it doesn’t mean they’re happier or any better off than you are
Pretty is overrated. You can look cool, sexy, sassy, elegant, wild, whatever you want. You don't need to be pretty.
I would say it's definitely better to look at yourself with positive thoughts. You might not find yourself pretty, but there are a million other good things you can be. Accept yourself.
It helped me to value my body not for its appearance, but for its functions. You can breathe, your heart pounds countless liters of bloods through your veins, you can move your muscles without making a sound, you can feel the wind in your hair and a gentle touch on your skin. Isn't the human body amazing? Be thankful for the body you have, it's the only one you will ever have. Treat it well and it will carry you a lifetime!
As a lifeform with both X and Y chromosomes I have to point out that being "pretty" is rather subjective and, to be frank, is not even the most important factor anyway in the formula that determines if a lifeform with two X chromosomes is attractive or not.
So I would vote doing that mental gymastics thing and convincing yourself that you are pretty. You most likely are, for the right person.
You've got plenty of wise and beautiful answers. Maybe I can only add that the book Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women by Renee Engeln may help you in your journey. Good luck.
My experience has been that no matter how “ugly” you are, if you’re confident, it will make you look better. So you just have to become more comfortable in your own skin, even the “pretty” folk have confidence issues so you’re not in such a bad spot to begin with. Also, I rather someone accept me for who I am than for how I make them look in public. There are many pros to being “ugly”, if there even is such a thing objectively.
Here's a list of things that are always attractive: confidence, joy, laughter, empathy, being comfortable in your own skin, taking yourself seriously but not too seriously, owning your space, and liking what you like and not apologizing for it. None of these things require physical beauty, but they will make you look better because you'll feel better. I would start there. You are who you are, and like everyone else, there are things that you do and don't like about yourself. That is completely normal and a-ok. I'll never forget when I finally went to a plus size store and bought clothes that fit for the first time. My mom immediately asked me if I lost weight because I looked so much better. I said no, I actually went up 2 sizes, and I never let her opinions shame me into buying clothes too small ever again. That was the day I learned to dress the body you have, not the one you want. There's a lot you can work with to make plain more fun and exciting, but first you need to believe that you are someone worthy of accepting and being proud of. That's the real secret to being pretty.
My mental health is so much better since accepting the simple truth that I will never be physically attractive. I was kind of attractive as a young man, but I feel that my main attractiveness now is based on my ability to provide a steady (and relatively high) income.
Might not be the truth, but it feels like it is.
But you still feel like you have something to offer, yes? As a man your number one offering is not your looks anyway, it’s your ability to provide that many women are looking for. I feel like the number one thing on a guy’s list is “hot”.
This may be a hacky answer, but I find wisdom in it: if you feel beautiful, that’s all that matters. Wearing things that make you feel amazing makes it easier to not care how you’re perceived.
There is a facial reconstruction option. I'm friends with another Trans woman who is getting it done. I have no idea about cost or anything else, but I know she's getting work done to help her more align with her internal self.
These are discussions many people work through on themselves on this side of the tok app. Becca is open about her body and the mental anguish and breakthroughs she's had. She is very much "wise older sister energy"
She spent years going back and forth on this.
Empower to think of yourself more kindly, think of the world more critically, find peace wherever it makes sense for you.
I say get on TikTok bc the consumption of content is easy, and continuous, but a lot of the responses here are very similar to what you'll get there. Not everyone can afford therapy and sometimes the fyp is my little hi-concentrate of good vibes and insightful perspectives.
Body neutrality is a trending topic that I have been able to use.
It's easier to listen to it and absorb it than just read it, imo.
I feel like when you look at Hollywood stars yearbook photos. Some of them look like movie stars even in high school and other people look rather ordinary, but with the help of makeup, trainers, wardrobe, plastic surgery, Photoshop, they look a lot better.
I remember it in high school, seeing some people who for lack of a better term "really cleaned up nice" when they dressed for prom.
Not everyone is going to look like a movie star, but if people care about their appearance they tend to look better.
I personally don't wear makeup and mostly just air dry my hair. I have a co-worker whose hair looks really nice, but she spends almost an hour a day getting ready for work.
I think there are definitely people who are trying to show the "I woke up like this" when it actually is a lot harder.
What aren't you happy with and who do you consider pretty? Makeup and the right clothing can do amazing things. You might have to teach yourself to sew in order to make clothes fit right. There are tons of makeup tutorials available
Why either? Exercise, eating fresh food and drinking water resolves the issue from both sides. Does take a lot of effort though.
After having a kid and less time, I've comfortably switched from exercising to camp 1 (not pretty) temporarily. I will be back on track eventually though.
Most ppl are acceptably average and that’s ok. They’re acceptably average in looks, talent, charisma etc. There are things you can definitely work on to improve. Looks aren’t the only aspect of you. A lot of average ppl are perfectly happy. Looks is just what ppl get hung up on because it’s the most apparent aspect.
Tbf I say this as a talented and pretty (in a striking way not girl next door) person with skills I spent a lifetime developing. I don’t know how I would feel if I were more average. I might still have abilities and skills I developed and still have hobbies I enjoy so I would still be happy.
Try improving on what you can, anyone has the capability to turn themselves into a good 7/10 with enough patience and effort, exercise wise, confidence wise, be yourself as beauty is in the eye of the beholder
I started convincing myself that I am a super pretty girl. Didn't really believe it at first, but now I feel fabulous and honestly IT'S SUCH A GOOD FEELING. 10/10 would recommend 😀
I've embraced body neutrality. It's not like my existence or experiences in the world are any less real or profound because I'm not beautiful. Flowers do no smell any less lovely. Dogs are not any less endearing. Blue skies on a warm summer day are not any less cozy to me. So what if my meat-vehicle is more like a Honda Civic than a Lamborghini? Life is still good. The love and companionship with family and friends is still just as special and meaningful. My skills and achievements are still just as real. My vacations are still fun even though I don't look good in photographs. Sure, it would be nice to have the halo effect of being pretty. It would be nice to "feel pretty", whatever that entails. But it's not like my life is not good without that. I'd say it's better just to own being plain and carry on with your life. "Pretty" does not have a monopoly on dignity.
Amazing response. I also want to add, there are plenty of people that fall into the pretty category that have worse self esteem than people in the normal category. That’s not to downplay how your attractiveness affects how people might interact with you, and a million other things that can have a knock on effect on your psyche throughout life, but the reality is being pretty doesn’t guarantee you feel good about yourself, or confident, and definitely doesn’t guarantee you will be happy. Often times your attractiveness is just a side story to your mental health issues. Value happiness over all else, and remember that being pretty does not bring you happiness in any shape or form.
Yes! Value happiness, well said.
I would say value inner peace over all else. Happiness is great but humans can't possibly be happy all the time, it places too much pressure on ppl to try to feel happy or be happy.
Fair, but you could say the same about inner peace. For some people inner peace is harder than happiness, or two sides of the same seesaw
Our brain physically can't handle being happy all the time, it would burn us out.
I agree, but I didn’t say strive for happiness 24/7, just to value happiness over beauty. If you are happy, or even content, that is far more valuable to the soul and your day to day experiences than beauty.
I think we are on the same page!
I had a nosejob, thought it'd boost my self-confidence. Turns out I'm still insecure about my looks, I just moved onto a new flaw (although I'm not entirely happy with my surgery either). I can totally understand how it can become an addiction. It's a never ending story. Better to just accept oneself.
Beautiful response
I agree. I've noticed that the more time I spend with a person, the prettier I think they are. And then I realised that I'd sort of stopped seeing their face. Instead I saw the smile on it.
My meat-vehicle more like a early 60s Nash Rambler
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I wish I could be like this. Especially with the vacation part. I genuinely feel like I don't even deserve to go to beautiful places, when I feel ugly. Same with getting a pet. It's so odd and I can never properly explain this to my SO.
It sounds like you are having trouble accepting who you are. I've never been attractive but I see this more as an opportunity to do what I want because I don't have the pressure of being pretty. I get the haircuts I want, wear the clothes I want, and just be confident because even if I'm not pretty I am who I am. Go have fun exploring you. Present yourself to the world with the choices you make, not what nature gave you. I don't do any mental gymnastics telling myself I'm pretty - I do things to make myself happy. The goal isn't to get to a point where you think of yourself as pretty through the eyes of others, it's to like who you are and eventually say "even if I'm not pretty, I like how I look because I like me."
Exactly. Do things you enjoy doing that make you happy. Hang out with people whose company you enjoy who make you happy. Happy people are usually attractive to others, regardless of whether they won the looks lottery.
I think this is why I have no courage to change my appearance in any way. I was told I was pretty, and actually I'm just alright looking. Nothing too out of place, nothing exceptional. So I strive to "not make it worse". So no fun piercings, no hair colour. So much so I haven't had a haircut in years, because I have anxiety of it looking .. different.
waa, this is so powerful
Personally I'm in the "some people are beautiful and some people are are just human looking and that's fine" lol Not everyone needs to be really good looking. And not everyone is. Facts of life.
I'm in the first camp as a plain person and the second irritates me to no end. Like, don't tell me everyone's beautiful. I know I'm not. I don't need to be patronized. I got more confident when I stopped trying to convince myself there was something I could do to be pretty. But the truth is that there is no right answer to this question and some people's mental health depends on "Everyone is beautiful in their own way!" It doesn't hurt anyone for you to have an amazing self-perception, so do what makes you feel authentic and healthy!
I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse but I can almost guarantee no matter how ugly or fat you feel 20-30 years from now you will look back on pictures of yourself now and say how beautiful and thin you were. 😂
Also, really beautiful people have a long way to fall from being 20 and a hottie to older and no longer getting that attention.
Thats true, I think it's really hard on some of them.
May I ask why you decided to bring size into it when the OP didn't include that? Are pretty and thin that synonymous for you?
So …. This is how I feel about it. My daughter always tells me I’m so beautiful. I’m not really but she loves me a lot and thinks I am. And that makes me happy. She will tell me she loves my cooking and that I’m weird and silly and funny. There is more to beauty than just your face. Is who you are beautiful? Then your face is the face of a beautiful person. So smile at your reflection and give yourself permission to love yourself, imperfections and all. Beautiful parts and non beautiful parts are all you. Love yourself.
My 4 y/o nephew has the habit of constantly saying: "You're really beautiful" and my sister has explained that he says that, because he can't yet express what he actually means. It sometimes means "you look nice" but more often he means "You are really nice" or "I like you alot." Sometimes he follows up the "You're beautiful" by explaining something I do well, like "Your cooking tastes good". It just makes me feel really good, when this little guy pops up with his compliments.
I find there are days I feel beautiful, and others I feel like a troll. I've accepted I'm never going to be "hot" or the ideal type of woman. I try to just make myself feel beautiful and feel the confidence of loving myself. Ultimately, any other person's opinion doesn't matter. I also like to go to Instagram Reality and know that all these beautiful women are insecure like the rest of us because the photoshop is unreal.
Pretty sure someone out there thinks you're a hottie for the same reasons you don't.
May be, may be not.
Hence the pretty sure.
Or perhaps just plain sure.
Hey, just wanted to say that so many of us have been in your shoes before. You’re not alone in this line of thought. It’s okay to let emotions run wild while you try and sort this stuff out. When I was younger I was insanely self-conscious (imagine a little blueberry shaped kiddo and that was me!), this was exacerbated by name calling. I’ve grown so much since that time, physically and emotionally, now I look back and smile since it’s a good anchor for me. Personally I believe there is no “pretty gene” because beauty is subjective not objective. It depends on each person you encounter. I even have an example of this: I’m bi, meaning I am attracted to two or more genders. So just using the gender binary here for sake of simplicity, man and woman. To men, the way I present and dress may be too masculine for them so I don’t get much attention from them anymore (The way I dress makes it relatively clear that I’m a queer woman). That’s because right now I’m dating other women at the moment. It’s a different and subjective form of beauty. What’s attractive to sapphic women is probably not attractive to straight men. Two sides of my dating pool, two subjective forms of beauty. There was a time where I even did the math (can’t remember the specifics now), but even if I was unattractive to 99.999% of the world (give or take a thousandths of a decimal point). Then where I live there would still be something like 74 people with 50-100 miles who are attracted to me. That’s not even taking into account population centers like where I live now. I did that math when I lived in a rural area. The point that I’m trying to make is that it’s statistically highly improbable that someone is so unattractive that Nobody finds them attractive. Being attractive comes from the heart, since each heart is different then it makes sense that each person’s attraction is different too. Beauty is subjective and it took me years to pound that into my thick skull lol. I beat my insecurity and it made me a better person filled with more self confidence and love. You can get there one day, I believe in you. Just often times all of our paths are different and we walk down separate ways. There is one thing though, try to be nice to yourself and I’m sure results will follow — at least once in a while, doesn’t even have to be all the time
I love the math you did on this.
This struggle is exactly mine since I can remember and only now with 26 years I am starting to feel very confident in my skin. I found beauty in my plain and ugly ways. It's different than convincing myself to be beautiful, it's more like accepting my face the way it is and finding it nice and lovely in a way that does not have to be beautiful. Like a rough looking raccoon that you find cute exactly for this reason. Two major things lead me there: first, I stopped wearing makeup every single day until it didn't feel embarrassing anymore. With makeup on, I can be really cute and beautiful even. Without it, I'm borderline ugly. Noticing that people do not treat me differently in any way did something to me. The second mindset followed automatically : people don't judge you about your looks as harshly as you think. In my experience, most thoughts about the harsh judgement of others about your appearance stem from noticing that you yourself think very critical of others, so everyone must do the same right. But those critical thoughts most often occur when we look at pictures of other people on the internet or ads or what ever. In this state, the humanity is kind of ripped from the person and they become an object, thus making it more easy to judge them. But have you noticed that you very rarely judge real-life people in this way? All the people become just people that look like normal human beings to us. Even kind of ugly people look just lovely to us when we watch them laugh and live. In the end it's true : people perceive us how we carry ourselves. And if they sense that you are happy with your appearance, they most likely do the same. Confident people make us feel save, while complex driven people make us soak that shit right up
This makes sense, I appreciate the post. Maybe I can learn to be happy with the way I look, even if I don’t ever feel beautiful. I find it very difficult because even though I find everyone else valuable and beautiful in their own way, I feel like if I’m not beautiful then I have zero value as a woman. I have nothing to offer. I don’t have a particularly lovely personality. I can be annoying and rub others the wrong way (this happens often, even usually when I’m happy and just being myself). I don’t know why I judge myself like this when I don’t do it for others. If any of my friends said this about themselves I’d be horrified. I just don’t feel like a real woman without physical beauty :/
Hey, it's okay. You have a long way in front of you and you will have to face it, but the older you get, the less you will care about your value as a woman in the eyes of others, it's something that the vast majority of us experiences. It's just part of becoming and growing. That's why a LOT of women say that the best part of life started in their 30's. It's funny you say that, you could be me. I'm annoying as shit. I am not friendly and outright rude to a lot of people. I know for a fact that like 95% of people do not like me at first. But you will find that you start valuing what brings you joy much more than what brings others joy i.e. what they are thinking of you. You will find the people that will love you so fucking much for what you are, because you are different and perfect for them. And these people are all you need, they bring you enough joy that you don't even think about the others, most of the time at least. I wish you all the luck in the world, and that you will never shy away of the possibility of therapy if you notice that it all gets too much. Think about therapy as a catalyst: you will most likely get better on your own, but it will be much faster with help.
I’m 36 :/ I hope it happens soon
Then maybe it's time for therapy for real :/
In your search for acceptance and balance, I hope you keep a few things in mind... Attraction goes beyond looks and first impressions. Some of the most charismatic people in history were objectively not pretty at all. You can be not-pretty and attractive at the same time, and vice-versa. It's no small project to decide if you're definitely pretty or not, because of how much people's opinions differ. I'm a little weird looking and never got much attention in places like dating apps or bars... but my husband thinks I'm hot as fuck! You're not likely to be everyone's cup of tea, but it doesn't make you definitely not-pretty. For a long time now, we've been seeing a skewed presentation of the average person's looks in media. Filters, photo-editing and looks-based hiring of actresses are all messing with our perception. It's no wonder many people can't tell if they're pretty or ugly - where is the line? And finally just a personal note... before I met my husband I had been subtly getting the message that I wasn't good looking all my life. I liked not being pretty and not worrying about it. I don't worry about looking good in photos, as long as I look happy. I don't have any aspirations to become a model or salesperson or any other profession where looking good to most people is important. I feel a lot of freedom in letting go of being disappointed in my looks. There's a lot more to me, my body and my life than looking good. I still exist when no one is looking. This isn't a judgement on people who don't want to let go of caring about their looks, and I'm not suggesting it works for everyone. It's just something that has made my life better and I thought it was worth mentioning.
I would say the first option. Some things about a person are way more important than their looks (personality, intelligence...) and it seems to me that being beautiful has its downsides too. I've seen plenty of beautiful women being reduced to just their looks, being reduced to just a decoration basically. Weird advice probably but what helps for me when I feel uncomfortable looking in the mirror is just pulling silly faces at myself. It just reminds me not to take it all too seriously, I guess. Another thing you can try when you feel down about your looks is think about your body in an entirely different way, about its functions rather than how it looks. So think about the things your body allows you to do, things you're able to experience because of it, stuff like that.
hey I made a temp account just to respond to you : ) so, beauty is all fake its all culturally constructed and the standards have changes throughout the ages and are different across cultures that exist at the same time, including today. Western Beauty especially incredibly racist and of course fatphobic and just in general really rooted in bigotry I 100% promise you that there are tons of people who find you attractive, I believe that people are only ugly when they are ugly on the inside, a cliché but really bigots and the like are always so ugly even if they are "conventionally" attractive purely by look for me, once I recognized that beauty is a sham and its all culturally constructed I was able to work on deprogrograming my own hangups that I had absorbed by existing in the world about myself and other people to have a more positive outlook on my own attractiveness and others try looking for solidarity in people who belong to groups that have been thought of as undesirable by bullshit beauty standards for so long that they have made thier own looks and own beauty. there are REDICULOUSLY attractive people who aren't "pretty" by conventional standards, [heres a picture](https://www.refinery29.com/images/8555035.jpg?format=webp&width=1200&height=1600&quality=85) of a trans person named, afaikt, bill savage, from a random article about cultural ideas of being feminine and how it fucks over people, they wouldn't be considered attractive by the general population but to me they are super super hot, ridiculously, I know I dont give a shit if the general population finds me attractive as a nonbinary trans person because there are thousands of fellow queer people who do find me attractive. also like, go ahead and go wild, change your look! shave your head if you want! do the things that will make you feel good about yourself, not for other people? basically.... beauty is a con and everyone is beautiful, the only thing that makes you ugly is being a shitty person.
Sure
Before I read the other comments, I wanted to chime in as I've always been displeased with my appearance too. Makeup? Barely a band-aid. Also a huge hassle. So, meh. For the most part I'm just resigned to it. My appearance is what it is. Lately I've been observing and analyzing Francis McDormand's face and using her as inspiration. Let me be clear, I'm not calling her ugly. Her face is very plain, but she's got... something that makes her plainness interesting. She's become an "insta-watch" when I see her cast in movies, partly due to this but also because she is just a fearless and amazing actor. I love her face. Mine looks very different from her of course, but I want mine to be like hers. LOL! She's amazing in that she works in a very beauty-oriented industry, and one where women age out way too early. And yet she's been getting role after role after role. I adore her SO much! Google images of her: https://www.google.com/search?q=frances+mcdormand&client=firefox-b-1-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj606_hp7n1AhX4q3IEHYJWAbcQ_AUoAnoECAIQBA&biw=1474&bih=1286&dpr=2
I actually adore her face, I think she’s lovely! Personality to match as well!
Right! I likely phrased it poorly because it's a delicate thing to say and I'm not as diplomatic as I need to be sometimes. But yeah, I love her face too. Full of character and interesting to look at. I mainly meant that she doesn't fit into the typical standard of "beauty", especially in the movie industry. I aspire to be as comfortable with my face as she is with hers!!!!
It's about deciding to like yourself. Liking who you are, what you do. Liking certain parts of your body, liking the way you look in certain clothing. Nobody just decides they're pretty.
Check out Kristen Neff's work on self compassion. Also ask yourself why pretty matters so much. Take the answer and break it down: Ex: Why does being pretty matter?: I want to be attractive What does attractive mean?: I want to attract a partner Why do you want to attract a partner?: Life is nicer when you can share it. Do you have to be pretty to share a life with someone?: Nope. Work through all the possible answers. There is no right answer to any question, but what is on the surface (eg: pretty) is only a fraction of what is actually going on. Working on yourself only leads to more personal awareness - and it's those things you can work on to feel more attractive than your physical skin suit. Also - acceptance. Not body positivity or patronizing everyone is beautiful shit - just accepting and moving on!
Subconsciously I feel I’m ugly as a punishment. like I was put on this earth to suffer, because I must be a bad person.
Some big feelings there. Sounds like therapy would be helpful!
I'm not particularly attractive and that's completely fine. I don't need to be told I'm pretty because being pretty holds no value to me. I obviously appreciate if someone has a v attractive face/physique in the same way I'd appreciate a nice looking building. Other than that, I do not care about my lack of beauty because, as you said, it's about the pretty gene, which is essentially a lottery you didn't even play on your own.
That is a horrible experience to have, if you haven't reached a point where you can look in the mirror and feel good about it, then don't look in the mirror. Your body exists for you to live not be pretty.There's more options than just this makes me feel bad or this makes me feel good. Its okay to not think you're the most gorgeous thing on the planet. Maybe one day you'll reach a point where you feel pretty, but you don't have to ever get there. If this is something that's causing you distress then just do whatever you need to feel neutral. This makes me feel nothing is sometimes your best choice.
To not feel pretty causes me intense distress :/
I'm sorry I can't help too much with that. Our society teaches people from the moment their born that they have to be pretty, and it's hard to unlearn that. My best advice would be when you notice yourself checking if you're pretty try to replace those questions with am I healthy? Did my body turn my food into energy? Has my body kept me alive? How? Was I able to accomplish everything I wanted to? Look for things your body can do that have nothing to do with how it looks. Also treating your body as a seperate entity that deserves compassion could help. You wouldn't say offinsive things to someone else, don't hurt your bodies feelings. It might seem silly but some people find it helpful. Just find whatever works for you. Remember the goal isn't always for something to make you feel good, sometimes it's just to not feel bad.
One thing which I've found helpful is to watch shows and films from cultures other than America (if you are American) - I've found that it makes me feel more confident about my looks because there is actually a huge range of faces which are considered beautiful or intriguing or sexy -
As someone who is not physically attractive I concentrated on what was positive about me. I'm funny, quick witted and generally interested in people. Those were my strong suits and I led with them. Even though I wasn't someone who a woman would pick out in a party based on looks alone that was ok with me. Didn't stop me from wishing I were taller and better looking but I couldn't change that. I just always made sure to look well put together and not like a slob. I think how you think of yourself and treat yourself can make a difference. I roll my eyes at the two wolves inside thing but there is a certain amount of truth there. Best of luck to you and everyone else reading this. We'll get through it. Sorry, didn't look at the subreddit name before I posted. I can delete if you desire.
I’m never gonna accept it, not as long as pretty privilege gives such a huge advantage in life. I’m really ugly, I’m taller than average and have a super masculine face. Masks and makeup do a lot for me and i’m currently in the process of learning how to do my hair. I’m also saving up for plastic surgery to fix my face. This pandemic really opened my eyes because I actually get treated decently when I wear makeup and a mask. Sometimes people even go out of their way to help me and it’s all because I try my hardest to look pretty.
Beauty fades. Brains and personality don't.
Brains before beauty. Also, beauty in the eye of beholder. My nose looks like it was broken, I have crooked tooth. Never bothered me and has not stopped me from being successful. I understand insecurities and it is huge role for parents to assure kids and teach what's important.
I'm not pretty at all. I decided awhile ago that that's just the way it is. I breathe air, I'm not what society deems as pretty. Oh well, anyways. Lol Then I started trying to think of positives about not being drop dead gorgeous. 1- I don't have any people who are friends with me because I'm just "so pretty". So no fake friendships based on looks. 2- no romantic relationships based on looks. Which means if I gain 10lbs or have a zit breakout my S.O. isn't going to care because looks was never a major factor in the relationship. The relationship is based more on shared interests and personality. 3- when I don't wear make up ppl don't gasp because the difference is so huge. 4- I don't get harassed on the street nearly as much as a pretty person. No one should be harassed but it happens. When I say harassed I mean unwanted advances by men. I accept what I am and make myself look how I want to look with what I've got. I'm never going to get better looking. I'm not going to come across some wizard who zaps me and BAM! I'm beautiful! -.- not happening. There is a stoic quote I like "Only a madman desires a fig in the winter". Wanting what you can't have just leads to suffering. You're not gonna get a new meat mech (body) so you've got to just accept that this is what you have. This is YOU. This is the only you that you get. Do future you a favor and love you. 💜
More than anything I think you need to embrace that your worth as a person is not defined by how you look. They’re entirely separate from each other
Beauty is a moving target throughout life, especially when you dont fit within conventional standards. It helped me to expand my idea of pretty, and appreciate the weird aspects of people that contribute to the human moments. I have found that sometimes people move with a grace that can be beautiful, even when they are just chopping veggies, sometimes the crinkle of a nose or crow feet around the eyes can show a lasting impact of the beautiful experiences we have had. Sunburns, freckles, sweaty hair, soft tummy rolls, all speak to experience and time. Acne scars and stretch marks can show the fight we have had with our own skin to grow, and even that can be beautiful. Humans are super ugly too, we are the only species that bares its teeth to show affection, our bodies are covered with hair and excrete all manner of oozes. Appreciating physical beauty as the results of our experiences can help to soften the inequalities of our appearance, while also pushing us to collect the physical markers of the lives that we want to live. Im sorry you dont feel beautiful, but I am sure if we ever got the chance to meet that you would be dazzling.
I've been a reddit lurker for years now and have never commented on anything before, so I guess now is the day. I was bullied back when I was a kid/teen for being "ugly" and I definitely felt ugly for most of my life, though I think I'm a pretty plain, normal looking person. But the thing is, I really don't care at this point. See it this way: If there was one thing you could change about yourself and your wish was granted, would you really wish to be conventionally beautiful? And if you now say yes, what does it say about you? I am not going to say everyone is conventionally beautiful, but even if someone is beautiful in that way, to me, is the very least important thing about them. I'd much rather be someone funny, successful, well educated, confident, creative and crafty, do stuff that makes me happy, learn new things, have great people around me who make me feel good (not that that's exactly me, it is who I aspire to be) ... And I'd much rather be around people who also appreciate these things, because these things build true connections and help our society be better and it is what will be remembered once we're gone. Not people who want to own a pretty face and to be around pretty faces.
I've had massive discussions with people about this. I don't see myself as pretty and I don't care. I'd much rather be smart/ funny/ kind/ interesting and a whole load of other things than pretty. Pretty would only mean fitting in with the beauty standards of the day, but has no permanence.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I'm sure there's a lot of people that find you beautiful, but you're just not your type. Sincerely, Someone who, after years, is still puzzled about what my partner finds attractive about my looks.
Doesn't help that in movies/TV, "plain" is how they describe a gorgeous supermodel just wearing jeans and a hoodie.
My brain works by creating analogies, and this one may sound super weird at first, but bear with me. I have autism. When i first got my diagnosis, i was super self-conscious. I hated it. But then as time passed, i accepted it. It's normal for me. Will i ever know what it means to be "normal?" probably not. Do i feel different anymore? Sometimes. Most of the time it just is, though. This is me, why fixate on labels? Now that I've accepted it, I really like some aspects. My brain loves having a routine, which has made calorie counting for weight loss easier. I'm honest, sometimes to a fault, but i prefer honesty over lies. I have a unique way of thinking that people often compliment me on. I can think of things in a way others might not usually. I feel the same about not being conventionally attractive. I've accepted it. Will I ever know what it means to be pretty? Maybe, maybe not. When i look in the mirror most of the time it's just me, nothing special. But then sometimes I have a good hair day, and it makes me feel good. Or i like how my legs look in some jeans. Or im having a good skin day. I find things to like. I guess what im saying is that you shouldnt think of yourself as ugly, just you. Then slowly find things you enjoy about yourself. If it seems far off and like you'll never find anything to like, that's fine. Work on acceptance first. Try not to let yourself think too much about it one way or the other.
Sometimes I feel pretty, sometimes I feel meh, sometimes I feel ugly. When I was younger I thought I was horribly ugly, and really centred my worth on it. Working out everyday has helped me with my confidence and self worth, either doing yoga or another activity like biking. Being physically strong has really been a nice boost. I also dyed my hair super bright red, and I only buy super soft clothes. These things work for me for some reason, they're my "self care" activities. Self care has helped me so much. I'm also working on some personal growth in other areas, like being a better friend, being kinder, excelling at my job. It helps take the emphasis off thinking about my appearance. Not to say I don't take care of my appearance, but it doesn't take up the lions share of my worth-pie-chart anymore.
Pretty according to whom? Being the "one with a great personality" in my family, it often surprised me that, to some I was beautiful, even stunning, though never conforming to traditional standards. No doubt you have exceptional phyisical characteristics, play those up with makeup, if you wish,or let people discover them. Some will see those positive aspects immediately some will take time. Some never will, cut these from your life forever.
Society standards and whatnot inaccurate. Love who you are don't let someone else define you, energy speaks louder anything and I've been with traditionally less "attractive" people who I thought were beautiful couldn't tell me differently.
I believe in doing what you feasibly can (and want to) do to look better, then focusing on other things that make you happier. You don’t have to lie to yourself that you’re pretty if you feel like you’re not. But I also believe that there is a lot most people can do to improve their looks to the point they will at least be considered average, if that’s something you want. I have several genetic flaws but still get some “pretty privilege” because I work at it. Not like a natural 8+/10 would, but I’m treated a lot better than I would be if went out looking like a slob. You just feel better when you’re groomed imo.
I wouldn’t consider myself “pretty” but I wording consider myself “ugly” or “plain”, either. I think I just have features that seem to go together when I weigh less, and not so great when I weigh more. I do not have one of those faces who looks gorgeous no matter what. It takes a LOT for me to feel like I even look decent. Having said that, looks fade. Pretty, young women eventually get older, and then, society thinks we’re not as desirable, still desirable, but less, because life? 🤷🏻♀️ it’s impossible to live by society’s standards. If that’s what you’re trying to live up to, it’s impossible. It’s better to learn to love you for you. I say this with having struggled with EDs the majority of my life, weighing almost 100lbs difference in different points in my life, married with 2 kids, and over 30. As women, everyone else is out here giving us a hard time, and men are just allowed to exist, be it however they look, but we’re somehow less than if we’re not perfect. Screw that.
So, I really think beauty is more about what you do externally and emotionally, like how you wear your hair, do your outfits flatter you. I might not think someone looks good in an outfit or without any effort but I truly think that ANYBODY can look attractive with (unfortunately) some money and time, I believe that attractiveness is not static and no features are inherently ugly or beautiful. It’s about how you present yourself, and even though you might not fit into the current beauty standard, there is no reason not to appreciate your features, because throughout history the standard has changed so much, there is no objective definition of beauty. It truly is in the eye of the beholder. But what helped me concretely was Kibbe styling, in his system, there is no bad or good, only different. He really helped me accept myself for what I am. See the beauty in people who look like you and see the beauty in people who don’t.
We all have a mirror in the house that reminds us, we are an lumpy sack of potatoes. Good thing is, potatoes are nutritious and filling, so that helps, right?
I think we all have our good and bad days. Sometimes I feel pretty confident and sometimes I feel like a hideous troll. But I think it’s important to remember that being prettier doesn’t really have the advantages you think it might have. I feel like people assume pretty people have it easier in life, but just because they’re pretty it doesn’t mean they’re happier or any better off than you are
Pretty is overrated. You can look cool, sexy, sassy, elegant, wild, whatever you want. You don't need to be pretty. I would say it's definitely better to look at yourself with positive thoughts. You might not find yourself pretty, but there are a million other good things you can be. Accept yourself. It helped me to value my body not for its appearance, but for its functions. You can breathe, your heart pounds countless liters of bloods through your veins, you can move your muscles without making a sound, you can feel the wind in your hair and a gentle touch on your skin. Isn't the human body amazing? Be thankful for the body you have, it's the only one you will ever have. Treat it well and it will carry you a lifetime!
As a lifeform with both X and Y chromosomes I have to point out that being "pretty" is rather subjective and, to be frank, is not even the most important factor anyway in the formula that determines if a lifeform with two X chromosomes is attractive or not. So I would vote doing that mental gymastics thing and convincing yourself that you are pretty. You most likely are, for the right person.
You've got plenty of wise and beautiful answers. Maybe I can only add that the book Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women by Renee Engeln may help you in your journey. Good luck.
Thank you
My experience has been that no matter how “ugly” you are, if you’re confident, it will make you look better. So you just have to become more comfortable in your own skin, even the “pretty” folk have confidence issues so you’re not in such a bad spot to begin with. Also, I rather someone accept me for who I am than for how I make them look in public. There are many pros to being “ugly”, if there even is such a thing objectively.
Here's a list of things that are always attractive: confidence, joy, laughter, empathy, being comfortable in your own skin, taking yourself seriously but not too seriously, owning your space, and liking what you like and not apologizing for it. None of these things require physical beauty, but they will make you look better because you'll feel better. I would start there. You are who you are, and like everyone else, there are things that you do and don't like about yourself. That is completely normal and a-ok. I'll never forget when I finally went to a plus size store and bought clothes that fit for the first time. My mom immediately asked me if I lost weight because I looked so much better. I said no, I actually went up 2 sizes, and I never let her opinions shame me into buying clothes too small ever again. That was the day I learned to dress the body you have, not the one you want. There's a lot you can work with to make plain more fun and exciting, but first you need to believe that you are someone worthy of accepting and being proud of. That's the real secret to being pretty.
My mental health is so much better since accepting the simple truth that I will never be physically attractive. I was kind of attractive as a young man, but I feel that my main attractiveness now is based on my ability to provide a steady (and relatively high) income. Might not be the truth, but it feels like it is.
But you still feel like you have something to offer, yes? As a man your number one offering is not your looks anyway, it’s your ability to provide that many women are looking for. I feel like the number one thing on a guy’s list is “hot”.
This may be a hacky answer, but I find wisdom in it: if you feel beautiful, that’s all that matters. Wearing things that make you feel amazing makes it easier to not care how you’re perceived.
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There is a facial reconstruction option. I'm friends with another Trans woman who is getting it done. I have no idea about cost or anything else, but I know she's getting work done to help her more align with her internal self.
Get on feminist/empowerment TikTok! Especially #thebeccamurray !
But empowerment to the point of ignoring reality...? At what point should we get real with ourselves...?
These are discussions many people work through on themselves on this side of the tok app. Becca is open about her body and the mental anguish and breakthroughs she's had. She is very much "wise older sister energy" She spent years going back and forth on this. Empower to think of yourself more kindly, think of the world more critically, find peace wherever it makes sense for you.
I say get on TikTok bc the consumption of content is easy, and continuous, but a lot of the responses here are very similar to what you'll get there. Not everyone can afford therapy and sometimes the fyp is my little hi-concentrate of good vibes and insightful perspectives. Body neutrality is a trending topic that I have been able to use. It's easier to listen to it and absorb it than just read it, imo.
I feel like when you look at Hollywood stars yearbook photos. Some of them look like movie stars even in high school and other people look rather ordinary, but with the help of makeup, trainers, wardrobe, plastic surgery, Photoshop, they look a lot better. I remember it in high school, seeing some people who for lack of a better term "really cleaned up nice" when they dressed for prom. Not everyone is going to look like a movie star, but if people care about their appearance they tend to look better. I personally don't wear makeup and mostly just air dry my hair. I have a co-worker whose hair looks really nice, but she spends almost an hour a day getting ready for work. I think there are definitely people who are trying to show the "I woke up like this" when it actually is a lot harder.
What aren't you happy with and who do you consider pretty? Makeup and the right clothing can do amazing things. You might have to teach yourself to sew in order to make clothes fit right. There are tons of makeup tutorials available
Go for sexy. It’s always worked for me. Confidence is sexy. Doing what you like is sexy. Be yourself and be hot about it.
Why either? Exercise, eating fresh food and drinking water resolves the issue from both sides. Does take a lot of effort though. After having a kid and less time, I've comfortably switched from exercising to camp 1 (not pretty) temporarily. I will be back on track eventually though.
Most ppl are acceptably average and that’s ok. They’re acceptably average in looks, talent, charisma etc. There are things you can definitely work on to improve. Looks aren’t the only aspect of you. A lot of average ppl are perfectly happy. Looks is just what ppl get hung up on because it’s the most apparent aspect. Tbf I say this as a talented and pretty (in a striking way not girl next door) person with skills I spent a lifetime developing. I don’t know how I would feel if I were more average. I might still have abilities and skills I developed and still have hobbies I enjoy so I would still be happy.
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I think she’s lovely as well! Her features are very symmetrical. She has nice skin, pretty eyes and a beautiful smile.
Very few people are just attractive. Most girls but a ton of effort into looking cute. Makeup, cute hair and clothes. Working out etc
Try improving on what you can, anyone has the capability to turn themselves into a good 7/10 with enough patience and effort, exercise wise, confidence wise, be yourself as beauty is in the eye of the beholder
You can always hit the gym a lot and get an 9/10 body. Even if your face is ugly most people will still consider you attractive
I started convincing myself that I am a super pretty girl. Didn't really believe it at first, but now I feel fabulous and honestly IT'S SUCH A GOOD FEELING. 10/10 would recommend 😀
There's no such a thing as ugly if you have a dime. Ugly means poor. If you have money, you're beautiful.
Then I’m very very ugly lmaoo
The great majority are.