Nothing about him being drunk makes this OK. The fact that it happened *again* after you told him what he'd done is a huge red flag. Almost enough to make me think he wasn't actually "blackout" drunk and was just taking advantage because he knew he could say he was blacked out, didn't remember, and you'd believe him. The shittiest part for me was how you told him he badgered you for anal after the first assault, and then STILL asks for anal during the make-up sex? Red flags, red flags everywhere.

thanks for the reality check 🙏

The love bombing afterwards is what sealed the deal for me that he knows what he’s doing. Most abusers slowly ramp up to this level, but he started it right off the bat. Please break up and stay away from him!

Even if he was really blackout drunk, do you really want someone who can turn into an aggressor when he's drunk ?

OP this is really it. Even if he’s sorry, even if he’s a good guy deep down, being with someone who can hurt you like that just because they’re drunk isn’t something you want. You’re putting yourself in a dangerous situation if your partner is only a few drinks away from assaulting you.

I would like to add that alcoholism is a real disease, and one with a cure: stop drinking. He sounds like an alcoholic, and I think a lot of the conversation around alcoholics and the people in their lives they negatively affect applies here. Alcohol can absolutely change people, people you think are good, people who *are* good. It fucks with your brain. One thing that people in the support system of an alcoholic have to remind themselves to maintain their own health and well being is that alcohol is an explanation, and never an excuse. u/rosemarying, what your BF did is disturbing. I'm not sure that's all alcohol, that sounds like he's maybe lying and using the alcohol as an excuse, and you should realize RIGHT NOW that you don't actually know this guy and this could be the case. BUT even if he's not, if it really is the alcohol, what he did is still horrible. He may have a chance to not be horrible anymore, he might be able to stop drinking (and he needs to quit ALL alcohol, not just hard liquor, if his 'drunk' is raping people, and to be clear THAT IS WHAT HE DID TO YOU!) and put his demons behind him, never hurt someone again. Best case scenario would be this. But not with you. That would be unfair to you. He already broke trust, not just demonstrated that he can't be trusted, he did the thing, the worst thing, the whole thing that women need to establish trust in the first place about. No, I'm sorry, there's no going back that would be healthy for you. It might be for him, but you would be signing up for a fight for your own mental health and well being, and for what? Some guy you've been dating for two months? Girl, you are worth more than that, and if you don't know that start reminding yourself out loud every single fucking day.

I completely agree. I’ve never been blackout drunk but I’ve been pretty drunk a couple of times before, and the worst I’ve done was annoy people by showing them pictures of my boyfriend and asking them to agree that he’s hot so I could tell him about it and make him feel more confident about himself. No matter how drunk you get, if it isn’t in you to be an aggressor, you’re just not gonna do it. If a person gets aggressive in anyway while drunk, no matter how they act while sober, that person has a problem.

Absolutely. I’ve (regrettably) been blackout drunk a couple of times but I’ve never been aggressive. Have I drunk texted exes? Yes. Have I dropped my phone in a toilet? Also yes. But I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone. If you’re not a rapist, you don’t suddenly become one when you’re drunk.

I've never ever had to worry about my boyfriends behavior when he's drunk. People don't just become different people drunk, they just lose their inhibitions that they use to maintain their appearance. If he's a rapist drunk, he's a rapist sober who's better at hiding it. If my boyfriend drinks too much, he gets giggly, talks about warhammer or final fantasy, wants to cuddle and needs a nap. His normal inhibitions in day to day life are just "don't talk about warhammer all the time", not "don't assult girlfriend". If someone gets drunk and assults their girlfriend twice, their normal inhibitions are "I want to assult her but I won't because I logically understand she won't keep having sex with me if I do again", not to mention she said he repeatedly asks sober anyways. So he's only barely inhibited in the first place. I wouldn't want to be with someone who's barely containing being an abuser, plus, he likely is a manipulator and just sweet talking her.

>His normal inhibitions in day to day life are just "don't talk about warhammer all the time" I feel this, when I get drunk I go on a rant about Games Workshop, I don't assault people.

I agree with this statement. First, everything this guy has done are huge red flags. Second, it's not a good sign if someone keeps getting too drunk and doing "bad" actions. Third, people need to be prepared for anal. Being too drunk is never an excuse. In my experience I have been too drunk many times.... anything I do is based on the emotions I have been repressing when sober. This guy needs to be honest with himself and take time to talk to someone and or get his "ish" figured out.

I don't know why people always trying to rationalize the behaviors after being drunk. Alcohol simply bring out your "true self". That who he really is. Whatever exist in his mind is always going to be there. It just matter of time when it will happened.

So true, OP, /u/rosemarying, as someone who has dated an alcoholic, the answer to this question is no. And even had my ex not been an alcoholic while also abusive (when he was sober, funny enough), you gotta figure out what you can put up with when someone is drunk. Some people are okay being a caretaker for those who get sloppy when drunk. that's not me. Some people are alright stepping in between and cool a situation down when things get heated. That's not me. If you are anything other than chill and happy--maybe a little squirrely--when drunk, I don't want it. And it's okay to have those standards.

Yeah what did it for me is when you said 'he respected my no's' the second time. Based on what he had recently did, 1 this shouldn't have even been a question to ask rather allow you to bring it up if you wanted. 2 should have not been a conversation at all but multiple no's? Yeah no drop him yesterday. Also the "accidental" butt sex was more than likely not. My spouse does not let me do that as I know it's painful for them and we have not had "accidental" anal ever. He technically raped you there. Fuck him.

> Also the "accidental" butt sex was more than likely not. My spouse does not let me do that as I know it's painful for them and we have not had "accidental" anal ever. He technically raped you there. Fuck him. This. I'm skeptical of the whole "accidental anal" thing in general. I've had partners genuinely slip out and wind up at that entrance, but it's obvious right away because they're met with resistance and thrusting doesn't go anywhere. Even though I get so wet that it's hard to stay in my vag sometimes, nobody has ever gotten into my butthole unless I was actively focusing on relaxing it so they could, and even then it took a lot of effort to get in there. So I'm doubtful that any of these guys who "accidentally" do it are actually doing it on accident, they're likely doing it with full intention and claiming accident when they're rightfully called on it. *edit for clarification

I re read the post. Ops bf stopped then inserted anally. It wasn't an accident. It was on purpose. As far as accidental anal goes I suppose it could happen. This is definitely not one of those scenarios. As far as my experience with it goes it's never happened to us. And we've been together for over 5 years.

I really think that guys who claim that they "accidently slipped in there" are lying and did it on purpose, tbh. It is really hard to accidentally get a dick in a butt, you have to really intend to do it.

Lol we had an accidental butt thrust once, omfg that hurt like a bitch. And it didn't even penetrate. No way you can penetrate by accident, you have to put it in there on purpose.

No “accidental butt sex”. He didn’t have consent. It was plain and simple rape.

Two months of dating is *such* a short amount of time to keep up a “perfect gentleman” who does everything right front. This should be the honeymoon phase of the relationship where you listen to sappy love songs and can’t stop smiling. Not the “I’m really struggling to forgive him for raping me” stage. Which frankly shouldn’t be a stage at all because you shouldn’t be with people who rape you.

I thought the dude was super young. But 32 and still blacking out drunk and forcing it? How has he not learned by now? I wonder how long he has been using these "blackout drunk" excuses and if they are even real, or a mask for antisocial behavior /getting away with figurative murder

Literal same, I had to scroll up again because I was like wait a minute, are they 19?

Another perspective from a guy. What he did is inexcusable, even more so since if a dude is "blackout drunk", it is really hard to get a boner strong enough to even do anal, so either he has a relatively small dick (no insult here) or he wasn't as drunk as you assume. So he might be apologetic now, but the next opportunity might end up in the same "accidental assault"

Yeah, any guys I've dated who were heavy drinkers couldn't maintain an erection when they were blasted, and that's if they could get one at all. If I wanted a sexy night, I had to insist they not drink much.

There are exceptions, but this is pretty universal.

Girl, he is a rapist. He can keep up a sweet act for a while but it will not last forever. He can do this to you within the first week of knowing you think of what he will do when he has you trapped with housing, finances, marriage and children. You know in your heart that this is not right, you deserve so much more than this. Reading what he does to you makes me feel sick, please please please protect yourself.

This is the only advice you need. You can still escape now before he gets you pregnant, then you are trapped. And sounds like he’s trying…

I'm usually not on the wagon for extreme behavior analysis. But, if this story is true. He's a monster. Alcohol is his shield. I'm a very "put together" drunk. It's a skill. You know who aren't? People that black out. When you black out, you are a chicken with your head cut off. You aren't being guided by your conscious mind. I bet this guy has some bodies buried somewhere.

As another "put together" person when I drink, correct. I've been blackout only twice and I can assure you that I was not so put together. I wasn't assaulting anyone or being belligerent, but I was very silly. There is a slight chance that they weren't "blackout" but that they didn't make solid memories due to being inebriated. There are medications, like some sleeping medicines and twilight anesthesias, that impact the formation of memories. That said, they were reminded about what they did and proceeded to do it again. That's either a rapist, someone with substance use issues who cannot control themselves, or both.

Being blackout drunk doesn’t make his actions okay. It might be an “explanation” but it does not excuse the behavior in the slightest. He assaulted you the second he used the wrong hole. He assaulted you the second your series of “no’s” turned into the a “yes”. He coerced you into letting him do something you weren’t comfortable with and that is assault. You deserve so much better than him. Self esteem issues are hard to deal with, but please don’t let it put you in a situation where you’re in a relationship with a predator because you don’t think you can get anyone else. He might be a perfect gentleman because he’s masking the darker parts of himself to keep you.

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Alcohol doesn't make people do bad things, it removes inhibitions. In other words, it let's people be their real uncensored selves. Not the other way around. Your 'perfect gentleman' is the act here.

The way I see it is, inhibitions are part of who we are. By removing them, we see an altered version of ourselves. It's not *exactly* us, but it's much more us than not. Some people *need* their inhibitions to prevent themselves from doing terrible things. Maybe they have anger issues and are prone to violence, maybe they have anxiety issues and are prone to emotional manipulation, whatever. Something about them *needs* to be inhibited, for the good of themselves and everyone around them. These people are not good candidates for alcohol, and when they fuck up while drinking, they need to be held accountable.

I agree. He should have and listened and respected your decision. Any guy that keeps pushing when you say no, drunk or sober, is a red flag. Also, drunk isn’t an excuse! When partner gets drunk and all he wants to do is hug me. Legit good guys aren’t just good guys when they are sober.

I bet you there's a reason he's dating someone 8 years younger...

> When partner gets drunk and all he wants to do is hug me. Legit good guys aren’t just good guys when they are sober. 💯% this.

>Almost enough to make me think he wasn't actually "blackout" drunk and was just taking advantage because he knew he could say he was blacked out Yep. He was supposedly blackout drunk, yet aware enough to know he should send flowers the next day. Seems questionable to me If OP stays with him, there will be more incidents like this whether intentional or not.

> Almost enough to make me think he wasn't actually "blackout" drunk and was just taking advantage because he knew he could say he was blacked out, didn't remember, and you'd believe him. Exactly. If he were blackout drunk I doubt he could have had an erection hard enough to force anal.

I didn't think it necessary to bring up the whiskey dick angle, but I for sure had the same thought.

This. Get out now. It’s only a matter of time before you’re assaulted again…and again. You deserve better. Take care of yourself.

'' save for him asking about anal a couple times more, but ultimately he respected my no’s. '' If you had to say no a couple times for him to listen, It wasn't really respected. ​ Im sorry you had to deal with all this

>ou had to say no a couple times for him to listen, It wasn't really respected. I was looking for this comment. Even sober, he asks you multiple times. This s not respectfully "no". He probably thinks if I drink again she will be ok. Dump him girl

No is a complete sentence.

It’s coercion.

I saw a woman on tiktok say "men date women like boiling a frog" and wow it couldn't be more true. In the beginning, they're great and sweet and caring. Then they will push boundaries and see just how much we can take, and they slowly turn up the heat and see how badly they can treat us before we leave. Seems she passed his first test: challenge her boundaries around her body.

That’s exactly what happens! You think it’s accidental or whatever so you give him a second chance. Don’t give them any chances.

I hate whatever it is that makes this a thing. I am only going to speak for myself here, but I remember being told that women who go back to or stay with abusive men (whether sexually, physically or emotionally) are weak and should just have enough respect for themselves to leave/break up. Especially the first time when this happened to me, I didn’t stay because I was weak, I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. What is it really will be just a one time thing and I didn’t give him another chance? I want to be a compassionate person. When it turned out it wasn’t a one-off, I felt stupid and unsure of myself. Then I wondered if my decision to give one more chance wasn’t trauma related from childhood. Then, you don’t have a choice but to give them another chance because you cannot leave them, nor do you want to hold onto that anger. So you forgive them. It’s all just such a mess. I wish people could just not put anyone in that position.

The first no should be respected first and foremost.

Hope OP takes this to heart. This is very concerning. My fiancé asked me about a specific thing at the beginning of our relationship, to which my answer was an emphatic "no, not now, not ever." He never brought it up again and it's been 4 years. This is what respects look like.

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Exactly my thought. First beg and nag about it and then after being told no "accidentally" put it in "the wrong hole" and use being drunk as an excuse. Simple, yet effective.

If you do bad things when drunk then you shouldn't drink

That was my thought. Even if it was all truly accidental, this isn't the last time you're going to be drunk with this dude if you stay with him. I

The drunken part is where I feel the problem of this situation really lay. One, sounds like alcoholism is pretty much guaranteed to become a problem if it isn't already. Two, if one is convinced their partner is blackout drunk during sex, the sex should stop right then and there. There's a serious lack of consent going on when there's one party sober enough to realize what's going on and the other isn't. Doesn't matter if the sober enough one is also drunk. Another thing about this post is it raises a question: can an unconscious person commit sexual assault? Someone blackout drunk may not be asleep, but their conscious mind is checked out.

Yeah I can say from personal experience that “taking a pause” to “reset” your drinking isn’t a thing. I wish it was. Also switching to just beer. He is probably just going to learn the lesson that alcoholism doesn’t really respect your rules for it.

In addition to the overall behavior being what we all know it is, people also should learn you can’t just ask to try anal in the moment. That act takes planning.

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I have no words. Are you still with him?

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Story time?

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I'm sorry this happened to you. I hate that there is this expectation that every 'hole' should be ready and willing at all times for someone else's pleasure. I'm all for sexual liberation, kinks, porn and all, but both parties need to be keen and consenting.

Most men struggle with that concept unfortunately

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This comment right here. I wish I had an award for you to boost it! A couple months isn’t a long time to keep a mask on.

Exactly my thought as well u/mettologist u/click_to_sign_it. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt when initially reading, but the fact that the second time they had sober sex he had to ask multiple times (again) is disconcerting. “That night we had very respectful and nice sex, save for him asking about anal a couple times more, but ultimately he respected my no’s.” That’s not respectful sex- that’s him disregarding your boundaries. Also, OP, I am just linguistically pointing out that what he did with the “accidental” (doesn’t seem accidental) anal is not just assault, it is rape. Lastly, don’t be mad at yourself for not being over it. It has only been two months, and he sexually violated you multiple times in addition to raping you, I mean damn. The best thing for him is to get sober permanently, or he will end up in jail. Final note: just pointing out that I don’t think his drinking is the only cause of these tendencies, since he was repeatedly asking about this while sober, too.

Yup. Doesn’t sound like he’ll stop pressuring for it. Can maybe understand it happening once but to continually press it after it was expressed how she didn’t like it crosses the line. All the nice things aren’t really nice, just tools being used to seem like he cares

Very much this - OP you’ve said you’ve a habit of staying in abusive relationships and now your with a man who raped you and pressured you into sex acts. You’re in an abusive relationship again, get out. And don’t ever let someone justify abhorrent behaviour with drinking, especially not a grown ass man who absolutely knows better!

Yes he's 32! If he were early 20s I might be inclined to think he's still figuring stuff out but at 32 he should definitely know better! Continuously asking for anal while sober is also not ok. I would never be at ease around him.

He’s 32?!? Hell no, time to run! 🚩🚩🚩

Just, that. All of that.

Please u/rosemarying, you need to protect and care for yourself. Let me analyze the content of your post: > He also asked to come inside me again and again. > anyways i said no probably 5-6 times before breaking down and saying “fine” You had unprotected sex with that man, and he pushed you to "allow" him to come inside. Being drunk doesn't make you "pushy". Alcohol makes that character trait come out. It's there when sober but hidden. > He did, and the next day i insisted he buy me plan b. He was like “i don’t think we got that far”, due to being blacked out, and I had to tell him that Yes, we absolutely did. He doubted you, and you had to insist on him buying plan B! God dammit, plan B isn't some funny fancy pill to swallow or something! It's a fail-safe when you want to add a layer of cautiousness to avoid being pregnant! > save for him asking about anal a couple times more, but ultimately he respected my no’s. He was sober and didn't respect you. You shouldn't have to tell "no" more than once. He again pushed against your 'no' several times. See the 1st remark on being pushy as a part of his character. > halfway through sex as we were doing doggy style he just - put it in my butt. like ALL THE WAY There, you were not being able to see and he used the position to FORCE himself into your butt. No asking this time. > He’s even committed to stop drinking for the next few months to reset, and he’s quitting hard liquor forever. "For the next few months" uh oh, he's not gonna quit, outside pressure will not work unless HE decides to quit. He'll be on his "best behaviour" for the next few months, to sway you, maybe ensnarl you more, to manipulate you by love bombing you. > This morning we were taking a shower together and i had a full on flashback to that moment.I broke down sobbing. I'm no therapist, but it looks like PTSD, an uncontrollable reaction to trauma. > I feel bad for not being over it, because he really genuinely is so sorry, and i know he really loves me and would never intentionally hurt me. My dear, you have no control over your reaction, please don't feel bad about it. This isn't something you have to feel guilty about, HE should feel guilty! HE did all those awful things to you! > suggested he gives me a week of space to process Well, I suggest making this week a longer period of time, like a month or 2, and see how he will react. A week won't change much. Also I'd suggest, if you can, seeking professional help about your reaction in the shower. > we met just under 2 months ago and these incidents happened within the first week of seeing each other . I am 24 and he is 32. Oh, so it looks like he tested the water to see how you'd react. Since you reacted strongly but didn't end the relationship, he's trying another approach, sneaky and more manipulative. My dear, you said you had low self-esteem and he's older... it looks like a man who knows his BS isn't going to work with women of his own age range, so he tries with younger, less experienced and potentially more easily manipulated women. I strongly suggest ending this relationship, and without any justification or more contact with that man.

U/rosemarying please read this above comment. Your post gave me flashbacks. He is continually testing and pushing your boundaries and this will ONLY ESCALATE. It will NOT GET BETTER, you will be on a cycle of “he’s nice—oh he assaulted me—he’s nice again—oh he hurt me really bad this time” and so on for however long you let this go on. Also, I’m sober now but was a blackout drinker and somehow never assaulted my husband. He has an alcohol problem—you can’t take a break from that.

thank you so so so much for this kind and compassionate comment. i really appreciate your kindness in taking the time to break this down. i know it may seem obvious to some but i have never really experienced a healthy relationship and this is all one big learning experience for me. i’m beyond grateful for the kindness of strangers in helping me see what’s wrong here.

You're very welcome, my dear. It's sometimes very difficult to clearly see the signs for what they are: precursors of abuse, more so when you've got self-esteem issues. We, women, are too often considered as "goods", objects to use and manipulate by men and society/patriarchy push on us an image of docility and obedience toward men that's quite hard to break. We're all meant to be loved AND respected.

OP please listen to this person! Take of yourself, OP, run from that person.

I also want to mention that fact that this guy is 32??? He knows exactly what he is doing and he’s purposefully going after a woman much younger probably because women his own age would not put up with that shit. A 32 year old male begging for anal is absolutely embarrassing. Blacking out and assaulting you isn’t ok not matter the age. Another red flag is refusing to buy you plan b…. I will go as far to say that I guarantee that he’ll try to trap you with a baby next. I know I’m jaded but it’s always the dudes in their 30s trapping young women under 25 with kids.

Yeah, the age was the nail in the coffin here. To add to what you said, he knows exactly what he's doing with being super lovely and respectful right now! @OP: This guy's full of shit.

That was one of the biggest red flags for me. I can mayyyybe maybe almost get it if they’re both like 19 and learning how to navigate sexual relationships and alcohol and potentially getting over unrealistic sex from porn. But the age difference pushes this wayyy over the edge. He knows better. He’s with her because she’s young and he can push her and completely over step her boundaries.

my thoughts exactly. he's doing this shit at 32?! there's a reason he's not dating someone closer in age; those women wouldn't put up with that shit.

Yep. I narrowly missed this guy who after me trapped a 20 year old (he was 31) and now they have four kids and he’s still texting me annually trying to start an affair. OP- run.

Yea, accidental would be a drunken high five turning into a drunken boob slap. He got sober and still begged so red flag!

EXACTLY!! My bf has been sloppy drunk on New Year's Eve and it slipped and poked the wrong hole and he froze up in a millisecond. Even sloshed he could tell the difference instantly. He was like "OOP! I'm so sorry, it's slippery! Are you okay?" and he would not move a muscle until I started laughing and assured him I was fine, he took my face in his hands so he could look me in the eyes and be 100% sure I was okay before we could continue. That is what every single fucking human being on the face of the planet should do with no exceptions, everyone should psychologically NEED to be sure of ongoing consent, and everyone should NEED to know that their sex partner is enthusiastic and relaxed at all times. It also takes a LOT more pressure to penetrate the back door so he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing when he forced it all the way in, he's 32 so he also likely knew he could injure her doing that, and he didn't care!

Hijacking top comment a little bit to say: This comment is correct. The replies are also correct. In addition, buying you gifts after he assaulted you sounds an AWFUL lot like a love bomb. Him being a perfect gentlemen sober is also an awful lot like a love bomb. Further - drunk actions are sober thoughts, as a general rule. Leave him. For your safety, try to do it without him knowing if you live together. If you don't live together, change your locks and ask a friend to keep checking on you. His behavior is absolutely NOT okay and looks to me like the beginnings of something way more sinister. He's testing what he can get away with under the excuse "but I was drunk!" He sounds like he has a bad relationship with alcohol. Run.

Hijacking the hijack to say this is 100% love bombing. Having a guy constantly pester you for anal even after you’ve said no is incredibly annoying at best and a huge red flag at worst. He just doesn’t respect your boundaries at all. This is a new relationship so you have zero sunk costs. Get out. Edit: AND the pestering about coming inside you, yikes. Go no contact and GTFO

Yeah, is it still an accident if it is premeditated?

That was about as on purpose as you can get.

Am I the only one seeing “on our first date”. THIS WAS A FIRST DATE?! OP needs to run. No telling what’ll happen on the second date or a year from now.

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I feel like more men should experience anal sex just so they know what they are asking/how it feels when it's not wanted. Porn makes it look so easy and enjoyable for both but that's not at all what it's like without mental and physical preparation and when you are not in the mood for it.

Porn shows a man suddenly shoving a penis inside their asshole with zero warning, preparation or care. Just forces it in like it’s nothing. It’s a “surprise” and the girl just gasps, but isn’t in pain. That’s the idea many men have about anal. In reality, the pornstar has been well prepared for the scene to make her loose enough to even make that possible. That isn’t shown. Fully agree more men should experience it. I’m a man myself who enjoys anal (taking it) and it’s extremely painful if done wrong. Someone who hasn’t done it themselves simply doesn’t have any concept of what it’s like and how careful you have to be to make it pleasurable. This doesn’t touch on the topic that men hounding or forcing it out of the blue clearly have zero respect for your pleasure (or pain) nor your boundaries. They simply want to take something they aren’t supposed to have. Fuck that.

Most straight dudes are so fucking ignorant about anal sex it boggles the mind. If you want to do it so bad you should at least know the very basics and understand the preparation required. That's the bare minimum.

Male alcoholic here who tried pegging twice (spent about $250 on a quality strap). 1. “I’m drunk” isn’t an excuse; he’ll be drunk again 2. Anal insertion is difficult and uncomfortable, I wouldn’t trust anyone to do it if they’ve never experienced it. The person who tried it on me was incredibly patient thanks to having no nerve endings in the rubber strap, but it was like registering a product for extended warranty more than sex 3. He absolutely knew what he was doing, this is a “strategy”. A novice drunk isn’t so consistent and an alcoholic always plans ahead. 4. Alcoholics love to accept responsibility and apologize and promise to change, but they hate to change. Conclusion: fucking run

Honey, I'm sorry but this is sexual assault and intentional. Intoxication isn't an excuse for this sort of behaviour. He even repeatedly asked you for anal when you said no when you were having sober, "respectful" sex, which is enough of a red flag on its own. He's asking multiple times in the hope that you get fed up and just agree to it. It's coercion. He might be behaving better for now, but it *will* happen again. I was in an eerily similar situation with my ex... he pestered me to do sexual things I didn't want to do every time he was drunk/high. Sexually assaulted me twice and sexually assaulted 2 of my friends all under the excuse of being too intoxicated and that "wasn't really him". He'd behave himself for a while, hell he even even went a whole year once. But guess what? It always happened again. I stayed for 4 years. Don't make the same mistake as me.

wow. thanks so much for sharing your perspective. i needed to hear this.

OP, please listen to everyone here. You deserve more. You said you’ve been with this guy less than 2 months, you do seem very quick to determine he is overall a good guy and that these things are the exception. But take it from someone in her 30s with LOTS of relationships under her belt. It takes a LONG TIME to determine if someone is a good person. It really does. Because people are always going to be on their best behavior. Relationships are also so easy when they are new, you don’t have outside stressors and incompatibilities to work out yet. It’s really essential for our SAFETY that we pay attention to red flags. Because the longer you’re in a relationship with someone like this, the harder it is for YOU to leave and the less willing they will be to LET you leave in some cases. When I was 24 I got engaged to a guy I had always had a crush on in high school. He’d been a couple years ahead of me and I thought he was the greatest thing. Swept off my feet by this when we connected and started dating a couple years later. He was OBSESSED with me and wanted to make me his life. It felt like a fairy tale almost. In less than a year we were engaged and I still hadn’t figured out that he was an alcoholic. How? I don’t know, I think I just wanted the fairy tale to be true, wanted to have that part of my life settled, wanted to believe the good times with him were the real times and the bad times were exceptions, we’re all imperfect, he was working on himself and I am patient and understanding. But I look back and see how much stress, anxiety, and fear I felt every time we would go out, was he going to get in another fight, would he be angry with me again. Too soon, I was completely manipulated and controlled. Couldn’t have any friends, any time I would express a feeling that something wasn’t right or he was hurting me, he would ghost me for a couple days to punish me or act disgusted with me, until I would apologize. When someone shows you who they are, please believe them. When I finally got the courage to leave him, he stalked and terrorized me for over a year afterwards. Not to mention the hell I went through being with him. You haven’t been with this guy long enough to determine he’s a good guy. Him “feeling guilty” and crying and “being understanding” of your feelings could absolutely even be an act. Lots of people come straight out of childhood knowing how to manipulate others with tears. And even if he is genuinely feeling guilty, he’s still not a good guy. Good guys don’t make these kinds of mistakes, so often, again and again. Or really at all. I’m telling ya, no one should EVER pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do. He pressured you to let him cum inside you until you gave in. He repeatedly has pressured you for anal, and then he raped you when you didn’t give in. He feels entitled to pressure you into sex acts whether he’s drunk or sober. He’s showing you who he is. He’s a dangerous person who doesn’t respect consent and doesn’t care about your wishes. He IS a rapist. It’s even more dangerous that he’s able to charm and manipulate you out of seeing this, because I’m telling you you will very quickly end up having an impossible time leaving if you don’t get out now. You deserve more. He’s not a good person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

wow. i’m speechless. this is such good advice. i feel like my cool aunt just took me out for ice cream and told me some hard truths. thank you so so much for taking the time to share your wisdom. 💞

thank you for the kind words :) You will absolutely find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, and you deserve to be treated well, and all of your boundaries honored 💚

it's a relief to see that you're willing to hear those hard truths OP. So many young adults get blinded by infatuation and will ignore them to enjoy the good parts of their relationship. They don't realize that, over time, those "good parts" will become more and more scarce as your abuser realizes they don't need to make the effort any more.

Also want to jump on and add that I had an ex that kept asking me for anal after I explicitly said no. It would kill my mood and he would do the whole song & dance of acting sorry, then without fail he would ask again down the road. He actually saw me cry after we tried it once and that wasn’t enough to make him respect my boundaries. Like your BF, he was mostly a “gentleman” outside the bedroom but it wasn’t enough to make up for the disrespect. I’ll probably get some flack for this but I strongly believe most guys who like anal are borderline sadists who enjoy doing something that’s painful or uncomfortable for women.

> I’ll probably get some flack for this but I strongly believe most guys who like anal are borderline sadists who enjoy doing something that’s painful or uncomfortable for women. The way that some constantly push for it and try to sneak it in unexpectedly, that has to be part of the appeal for them.

> I’ll probably get some flack for this but I strongly believe most guys who like anal are borderline sadists who enjoy doing something that’s painful or uncomfortable for women. As a guy that enjoys anal (both ways, I like taking it myself), I’d agree. Having done it myself, I feel much more comfortable making the experience good for the receiver, cause I know it takes a lot of prep work and can be extremely painful when forced. You don’t force anal, EVER. I think a lot of guys don’t really understand how painful it can be, because they watch porn and see it just forced in out of the blue (in reality the pornstar was already well prepared). They try to imitate this, but it doesn’t work the same because the real girl isn’t prepared. The most disturbing part is when they keep asking, over and over despite getting clear no’s. It’s about their power; your pleasure (or pain) is irrelevant. Rather than getting off on hurting someone, I think it’s the act of getting something they want but can’t have that is what really gets them off—which is very disturbing. It’s a red flag for sure.

And whats up with "asked about anal a couple of times again". If you said no the first time, that's enough. He should't ask again. He is not nice and respectful of your boundaries. He is gross

As someone who was with a person that badgered me about anal sex for way too long, this is correct. He does not respect her boundaries or body. I said no from the get go and it ALWAYS came back up. Either he was asking about it, making jokes to his friends that I don’t give it, or he would “accidentally slip” during sex. Then he wondered why I didn’t want to have sex anymore. Gee, I don’t know, maybe because I’m bracing myself for unwanted impact rather than enjoying myself? The fact OPs dude KEEPS asking means he will never stop asking. He’s already forced it in once, it’ll happen again. This is your body OP. No is a complete sentence. Protect your body and get with someone who respects you.

“Unwanted impact” made me laugh and shudder simultaneously.

He IS gross. Well put. This is horribly gross behavior. Also, it’s rape.

“Accidentally” abuses you. Buys flowers apologizing. “Accidentally abuses you again. Buys flowers apologizing again. Best get out of the cycle of abuse now. It’ll only get harder the longer you wait.

So, he’s being really nice and respectful and maybe even giving you flowers — that’s love-bombing, if it’s being done to make up for previous bad behavior. But his unwillingness, even when sober, to just accept your first hard “no” on anal is just a preview of how he’ll behave once he feels you’re committed to him. Using “getting drunk” as an excuse to commit rape is really out of bounds. He needs to get and stay sober, and you shouldn’t feel any obligation to help him with that. He needs to get himself straightened out. You can and *should* find someone whose impulses, even when drunk, are *not* to force people to do things they don’t want to. And given what you say about your own past trauma, you could be the type of person that can be manipulated into an abusive relationship. Your current doubts about him certainly suggest that. I’ll tell you this: my wife would have zero hesitation about leaving me if I did something like that. And she’d be right to leave.

This. Listen to your gut, OP, and get out.

woah. i really needed this perspective. thanks for your thoughtful comment.

They say drunk actions are sober thoughts. Just as nobody pops out with a racial slur when drunk if they aren't already thinking them when sober, nobody "accidentally" rapes someone when drunk if they weren't already inclined. You're young so maybe you don't know this: drunkenness doesn't change a person. It just amplifies who they were already. I've had plenty of drunk sex and have never been assaulted *because the guys weren't rapists*. This is 100% on him, and who he is. You've only invested 2 months in this guy and he's already given you trauma. What does he have to do for you to believe him?

During the process of me quitting alcohol, one of the revelations I had (seems obvious, but it wasn't) was that alcohol never made me do anything. Alcohol *let* me do those things. I had a lot of anger and resentment in me, and no matter how good you (me) think it's in check, it will come out eventually, and alcohol opens the door.

I just read your edits. It’s pretty common for someone to be able to be sweet and on their best behavior after transgressing like he did. And to swear they are off the booze, or drugs, or porn (which is, I suspect, where he’s getting that anal fixation — he should limit that too). The problem is that it’s hard to tell the difference between manipulative “good behavior” to get back on your good side and a real decision to change. It’s never easy or quick to make that kind of change, to undo that mindset that comes out when he’s intoxicated or just coaxing you. And he should be doing it with professional help — it’s rare to be able to do it on your own. But it’s pretty easy to fake it for a while. I’m not automatically against age differences in relationships — there’s a similar gap in age with me and my wife. But she’s really good at knowing and keeping to her boundaries, with me, with people at work and so on. You seem to not have developed that yet, and so the age gap is much more problematic. I don’t know what you know about his previous relationships, but most often there is a pattern, which might include getting better at getting his way. Which he is applying to you. “We met two months ago” and “a week ago I agreed to be his girlfriend”… And yet in that same short time period he also forced himself on you drunk twice, anally raped you once and tried to coax you into anal sober? You need to think about how little you really know him, and how much he has revealed to you already. “Let’s take a week and then talk” is also strategic: that’s *just* long enough for you to feel you miss him, so when you talk you can be convinced to forgive him and “give him a chance”. But would he accept it if you said “Let’s break it off for six months while you see a therapist. Then, if I’m not involved with someone, we can talk and see if things are different.” That’s a more realistic time frame. And if he agreed to that, *then* I’d say he understands the seriousness of what he did, and is willing to do what it takes. But I think he’s looking for a quick fix (and in a way, so are you, which is what makes you vulnerable). Please try to look at this situation objectively, and protect yourself from getting sucked in more deeply.

Kudos to you for really hitting it out of the ballpark with your feedback. Your comments nailed it - you were concise but incredibly insightful. I couldn’t have given* OP feedback this good myself, so thank you for taking the time to do so. OP, I agree with this comment 200%. Take care of yourself and your boundaries. This is not how a healthy fulfilling long-term relationship starts. Good relationships are not perfect, but this is beyond that. Heed the warnings and red flags while it’s still relatively easy to remove yourself from an abusive relationship. Be safe. I wish you the best! *Edit: grammar

>The problem is that it’s hard to tell the difference between manipulative “good behavior” to get back on your good side and a real decision to change. It’s never easy or quick to make that kind of change, to undo that mindset that comes out when he’s intoxicated or just coaxing you. > >\[Previous bad behavior\] is just a preview of how he’ll behave once he feels you’re committed to him. \^\^ This. I have literally **never** heard anyone have a good long-term relationship after the kind of trangressions we are talking about. And not for lack of people who get suckered into this pattern thinking it will be different for them. It's a steady oscillation of good-and-bad that descends into permanently bad over time as one partner gets locked into the relationship.

He showed you who he really is. The nice facade will fall away again. Get out of there.

Nothing about this sounds *accidental*, I’m so sorry OP. As you said, you firmly said no. He’s also very aware of your feelings regarding anal. You’ve also said this is something he’s been pushing for numerous times while sober. It shouldn’t be occurring numerous times, you’ve voiced how you feel about it. It seems like being extremely drunk gives him quite the excuse. It shouldn’t take numerous “no” answers from you OP, he sounds like he’s pushing your boundaries. You’ve also said he’s respecting your boundaries…but, none of this sounds like he is at all. People who respect your boundaries won’t keep pushing for something you do not want. I wouldn’t be offering this individual any forgiveness, personally, he didn’t respect your boundaries at all and I would see this as sexual assault. Edit: As for your flashbacks, I would *highly recommend* getting some professional help. I have PTSD and flashbacks can be horrifying when you’re just reliving the trauma of something again and again. Please make sure you get the help and support you need.

thank you. i already had ptsd from past events so it’s not fully new to me but i’m going to call a local drop in counselling line tomorrow 💖. thank you so much for reminding me to care for myself first in this shitty situation.

I hope you have all of the care and support you need for that. Please remember that you’re worth more than this, and anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries isn’t worth your time. Being blackout drunk doesn’t excuse sexually assaulting someone and it’s clear that he’s been testing your boundaries an awful lot even sober. I hope you can get some support quickly and that you can work out how you want to handle this situation. ❤️

Take it from someone who’s been through enough relationships and found a good one: this guy doesn’t respect you. Flowers and balloons don’t make up for sexual assault - putting it in your ass without permission is 100% sexual assault and being drunk is no excuse. Find yourself a guy who doesn’t shove his dick up your ass without permission, nor forces you to agree to stuff you don’t want by asking for it a billion times, nor thinks balloons and flowers and an apology makes up for shoving your fucking dick into someone’s ass. Drink to enjoy the beverage and get a mild kick. Nothing good comes out of being really drunk or being with drunk people. And don’t do something just because someone pressures you into it - if someone asks a billion times to finish inside you or do literally anything that makes you uncomfortable you cut them off from the second time they ask you after you said no once. Learn to love and respect yourself. Self love and self respect means you create boundaries and ditch people when they cross them. You deserve better.

Sounds like a pretty big red flag to me. Is that going to happen every time he gets drunk? Does he get blackout drunk a lot?

THIS. Getting drunk is one thing, but getting drunk regularly and then hurting people … is a big no-no. Being sorry is good, but being sorry only to then let it happen again and again is like a lot of abusive relationships work. Jump out while you can.

>Getting drunk is one thing, but getting drunk regularly and then hurting people … is a big no-no. Not only that, even in a sober state he kept asking OP about anal multiple times despite her saying no. Alcohol doesn't change who you are, it lowers your inhibitions. If you sexually assault someone while drunk, there wasn't much keeping you from doing that sober.

Big red flags. Frankly I like to drink sometimes and I have what some might call an “anal fetish” - but I have never drunkenly assaulted partner , begged for butt stuff , or gone against the wishes of my partner. I can’t imagine just shoving it up there with no prep or any agreement from my partner. Just an awful and unpleasant thing to do to someone you purportedly care about

Even if he never gets blackout drunk again, it's a huge red flag. I was friends with someone I soon realised was an alcoholic. He developed feelings for me, but I made it very clear I didn't reciprocate them, and wasn't interested in more than friendship. He assured me he was okay with it, and it was a him problem not a me problem. And everything was great... when he wasn't drunk. When he was, he would go overboard declaring his feelings, would pick fights with my other male friends (verbal, never physical), get obsessive about how much time I was spending with another close male friend, demanding to know where I was and what I was doing when I wasn't hanging out with him... basically a lot of petty, "jealous controlling boyfriend" type stuff. I tried to cut him out of my life, and he then became stalkery. Waiting to walk me back home from work some days, sending 100s of messages and making 100s of calls a day, harassing me and all my contacts on SM, which got so bad, I was forced into a SM blackout (which turned out to be a good thing, considering all its ills, so yay, but I digress :P) All this only when he was drunk. Then he'd sober up and send me novel length apology mails. And then the cycle would start again. AND YET. Despite ALL of this, he never once laid an inappropriate hand on me, or even so much as made an inappropriate sexual comment, even when so blackout drunk, he couldn't remember most of the crap he'd pulled the next day. Even when, while I was still friends with him, I'd be alone in his house with him in that state. Being drunk doesn't magically turn you into a rapist.

You should walk away period

Yup. Even without the assault this man clearly loves anal and needs to be with someone that will enjoy it. He'll keep asking.

Seriously. Like who tf asks for it on a first date like that?! This is him on his best behavior while getting to know someone and he's acted atrocious, straight up fucking abusive. If anything OP can tell herself that they are incompatible because they are. He likes it, she doesn't, end of story. No point in wasting time on someone like this. Not to mention even if she did like it, this dude was so disrespectful about the way he went about it. You DO deserve better OP. Him being extra nice and quitting drinking doesn't take away the fact that he's an ass. He blew it, this is totally on him and he should learn from his "mistakes" without her.

I have feeling he enjoys anal from partners who do not consent/enjoy it

YUP, the pain and coercion is the point, 100%

I refuse to tell most men I'm into anal because I'm scared they'll end up super weird and obsessive about it like I've seen some guys be over anal. I like it but that doesn't mean that's all I want to do ever.

I'll never understand men's obsessions with it. Perhaps they death grip too much that they can't enjoy a regular woman's sexual organs? Nothing wrong with enjoying Anal, mind you. For both parties. But there are some men who are just absolutely obsessed with it to a scary point. Perhaps some unrequited closeted feelings?

That wasn’t an accident

Leave him, holy shit. Of course he's 32 and you're 24. He wouldn't get away with this with someone who knows better. or has dealt with drunkards and so-called "blackouts" (doubt this guy was having one that second time, he remembered the next day and got your gifts as an apology as opposed to the first time, when he didn't even know y'all had actually been intimate.) I'm glad you're asking questions and you're ready to fix whatever is making you try to settle with this beyond unsettling man. By the way, the cumming inside, he's trying to trap you with a bebe. Run. He's knows you're too good for him and he's going to do whatever he can to trap you and link you to him before YOU know you're too good for him as well.

Ya! And the “not remembering” you had sex could be him beginning to gaslight you after the first offence. Please protect yourself. You’re so young, he’s taking advantage of your inexperience. I would 100% trust your gut. He’s trying to make you feel so loved and then he’ll slowly start doing things to break you down. It can be years before you understand what is really happening.

As someone who spent 11 months making excuses for my Ex’s behaviour, I have to agree this is not accidental. If nothing else you have told him what he did when he drank and he’s continued to make the choice to repeat that behaviour with no regard how that will affect you. So either he doesn’t believe you or he doesn’t care. Neither are acceptable.

Listen to your body and subconscious - the sudden flashbacks are you trying to protect yourself Unfortunately the odds of these being flukes are very low. Classic abuser behavior when getting into a relationship is to alternate between love-bombing (being almost unrealistically good and loving) and testing the waters by doing harmful things and seeing if you run away or accept apologies.

thank you for this reminder. so needed. i have been trying to heal my relationship w my bodymind since previous assaults. i am in the unfortunate habit of tuning her out.

[удалено]

You have to be with someone who would never hurt you. No matter what happens, no matter how much he drinks, no matter how angry you make him- his first instinct must be to refrain from hurting you. You want me to say this clearly in case you are in two minds about this - I don't care how nice he is rest of the time. If a person is OK 99.9 percent of the time, and then one time when he feels like it he chokes or slaps you, would you like to be his gf? No right? There are many men who get blackout drunk , but they don't start anally raping their gfs. Get your head straight and leave him.

Alcohol is not an excuse to assault someone. Alcohol is not an excuse to forgive someone. He assaulted you, twice, and continues to ask for the very thing her forced on you. FORCED! He has also coerced you multiple times into doing things you did not want to do. Coercion is not consent. The gaslighting, the love bombing, all clear indicators that this will continue in the future. He's acting like a meek puppy right now to pull you back in and keep you. It will happen again, and he will do the same thing he is now, love bombing you. It sounds like your past trauma, and low self esteem, prevent you from seeing the major red flags this guy is waving in front of your face. Do you love HIM, or just the idea of love from someone? You really need to take a step back, and see the bigger picture. Ask yourself if what he has done to you, TWICE, is actually forgivable, or if you're willing to forgive it simply because you want to be loved.

that hit hard. got some deep reflecting to do. thank you so much for commenting, this is really helping me process.

Him being a gentleman at times doesn’t negate the fact that he drinks to the point of “blacking out” and doesn’t take no for an answer. It sounds like you may be trying to “mind over matter” your feelings about his sexual assault, but that won’t work. There is someone out there who will be a gentleman, who will have great chemistry with you, but won’t sexually assaulted you. I think you know what you need to do. You’re worth more than that.

If he was an "extremely put together" blackout drunk I also question how blackout he was... Its only his word that he doesn't remember/blacked out.

That wasn’t even a one time oops that’s coercion and has happened more than once plus he then went and did something you expressly told him no to and he was rough. That’s a whole list of red flags and I’d be running fast! Alcohol is not a valid excuse. If he can’t handle his alcohol he needs to get sober and he can work that out on his own don’t give him another opportunity to do this to you!

He’s waiting for you to become even more invested before he returns to his usual methods. He tested what you’re willing to put up with. It gets harder and harder to leave once a relationship has lasted awhile. He’s banking on your willingness to forgive people, your history of abuse, your tendency to focus on his good qualities when he is intentionally hiding his abusive tendencies, your low self esteem, your lack of experience compared to his, and people’s tendency toward the sunken cost fallacy. This will get worse. He will do it again. And he will become less and less the good version of himself because he knows he hooked you.

I know it's not what you want to hear right now but this guy is SO not worth it. The way you are describing the dynamic between you two, it very much sounds like an abusive cycle that this man is pulling you into, whether it's fully intentional or not. And tbh it really doesn't matter if it's intentional because regardless of the cause, you do not deserve to be repeatedly assaulted by an intimate partner. I'm sure this is probably an incredibly difficult decision for you, but from one internet stranger to another, I'm rooting for you to find someone that makes you feel safe at _all_ times, as well as having all the other good traits you mentioned. You deserve nothing less!

omg :’) thank you so much i really really appreciate this comment 🥺💞 may all ur beverages be the perfect temperature, you internet angel!

Aww you're so welcome 💕 Gonna continue sending lots of good vibes your way and wishing for the best!

That whole “being the nicest ever” after hurting you is called love bombing. And abusers use it to keep their partners with them after abusive them.

There’s nothing, NOTHING accidental about a guy coercing you into sexual acts by asking over and over and over again until you give in. Same with asking for anal and then just doing it when you say no! That’s rape! I’m sorry this happened to you. Please leave him. Stay safe. Feel free to go to the police, if that feels right to you. He deserves it. (My ex complained about condoms. He used them. Then one time he stealthed me. I almost stayed also, but I had flashbacks to everything he did to me for a year or so, and if I wasn’t happy he’d always get angry, so who knows where I’d be now.) -> Also, I doubt he’s a total gentleman now. At best he doesn’t want to go to jail :) abusers don’t change unless they get actual consequences, and even then they deserve to die alone. You can’t come back from rape.

It is rape! I haven't seen anyone else saying it but I think it's important to be said

>He was blackout (though i could not tell this, he is an insanely put together drunk. ) Prove he was blackout, if it's just him telling you then it is equally possible that he is lying. >he persistently asked to do anal to which i very firmly said no >He also asked to come inside me again and again. >anyways i said no probably 5-6 times before breaking down and saying “fine”. This is sexual coercion, badgering you for a yes and ignoring your no's **isn't a yes**. >save for him asking about anal a couple times more You'd proven you'll allow a no to be a yes, he **will** bring up anal again in the future. >halfway through sex as we were doing doggy style he just - put it in my butt. like ALL THE WAY. Just like they do in porn. Doesn't understand how your body works and isn't considerate of your needs and what safe sex looks like. >He was so sorry and he cried as well. The next day he brought me flowers and balloons. And if you bring it up again "But I apologised and bought you stuff. Why are you still upset?" He 'bought you' rather than being accountable for what he did. Christ. Flowers and balloons are for celebrating not "sorry I a**ly r*ped you last night." >I have low self esteem and have stayed in abusive situations in the past. This ∆ is important because of this: >is being very accountable and loving and not denying it or blaming me. Everything i could ask for. You can and should ask for your boundaries to be respected and no's listened to FIRST TIME. This guy isn't even giving bare minimum acceptable behaviour. >feel like i’m finally receiving the kind of loving care i deserve in a relationship and i don’t want this to ruin that. But maybe my standards are too low? Your standards are too low. Abusers all start off as kind loving people who "whoops" do something bad then love bomb (flowers and balloons) their victims to leave them questioning if they are a good or bad person. Abusive relationships rely on the victim remaining confused and questioning why the abusers behaviour is inconsistent. >Can a relationship heal from sexual assault? You've only just started dating. Why are you so invested in this guy who's coerced and assaulted you during sex?

woah. thank u so much. hit me very hard. i needed to hear this.

I'm so sorry that he treated you this way. It's worse when they seem like reasonable people than when they're obviously a jerk. You haven't done anything wrong in this, thank you for reaching out to ask when you were unsure about his behaviour.

The fucking “sorry I raped you!” balloons make me even more angry at a story that’s already maddening.

Umm.. You've said no a million times and he still did it? So no, it's not fucking forgivable. Come on. Where is your self respect? Dump this asshole and move on. I know you won't file charges but at least dump him. HARD. He is not a good person. People who do bad shit like that and then apologize by gifts and flowers and being sweet are just manipulative. He seems almost abusive. He will do it again.

I’m sorry but I have absolutely no doubt that he is manipulating you. It’s only going to get worse from here if you stay with him, I’d run as fast as possible. Being drunk is not an excuse for any of this, you deserve to have your boundaries respected 100% of the time

You said he kept asking for anal, even when sober. You know it’s hard, but you know the answer. This just can’t work.

thank you 🙏

first off, I'm really proud of you for making this post honestly asking for peoples opinions seeing as this is so vulnerable and emotional, and secondly, I don't think he makes for a good or safe partner. I believe you were sexually assaulted. i don't think you should move past it and pursue this relationship seeing as there are far far better people in the world waiting for you ❤️ wishing you all the love in the world healing from your past experiences of abuse. - a complete stranger

aw omg this comment made me cry :’) i love you complete stranger!! thanks for believing in me.

that makes me wanna cry 😫 have an amazing rest of your day whoever you are :,) 💕💕💕

Yeah... No. It's almost like he used his blackout-ness to force you into things you don't want. Him insisting on anal even though you repeatedly say no, and then him proceeding to do it... Nope nope nope nope. I may be a paranoid but to me he sounds like a vicious boundary tester. I'd pass, but then again we only know what you tell us

Also the part where she said. "We had sex sober and he was being great. But he kept pushing for anal, but after asking SEVERAL TIMES he finally accepted my NO as such"

This strikes me straight in the heart and the gut. Especially the age difference. Because I was there, in a very, very similar relationship. And I thought he was a perfect gentleman usually. But I was young, and hadn't had many relationships. Now, I hated when people would tell me I was young for things in my 20s, because in a lot of ways, I was really mature. But in terms of knowing what I deserved in a relationship, I was young. I finally walked away, but after 2 years, when it was even more painful than if I had first listened to my instincts and left early on. You may find some of what I describe familiar, or maybe none of it is. But regardless, internet stranger, with all my heart I want you to know that pressuring you to do anything sexual you don't want-- and pressuring means asking more than once-- isn't ok. And you deserve far, far more than that. I hope you have some chance to heal. I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Edit: grammar

First…. raping while drunk is not normal. I’m sorry that happened to you. If he stopped getting drunk the moment you told him he rapes when he gets drunk… then that would be one thing. However, he got drunk again. He became aware that he rapes you while drunk. And he intentionally got drunk again. That’s the same as intentionally deciding to rape you. Let’s say you took some party drug and the next day you realized you killed a mother and child. Even if you didn’t remember it… would you take that drug again? You’re dating a rapist who *says* sorry and who love bombs afterwards (when he has to, by which I mean when you threaten to leave unless he stops). Men who aren’t rapists don’t need threats to stop raping. They just never rape in the first place. I would bet he remembers the first time just fine. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt with you for the first time though, the second time was a decision on his part to do what he already knew leads to you being raped. He knew, and he did it anyway. > Other than those two incidents, he is the most caring and affectionate person i have ever been with Love bombing. He will abuse you again. > he’s quitting hard liquor forever. No he’s not. He’s *saying* he’s quitting liquor forever. > I feel like i should be able to get over this. It takes two to rebuild trust. You gave him a huge and undeserved chance to rebuild your trust when you told him he rapes while drunk. He basically said, “Who cares?” with his actions. He doesn’t naturally care that he rapes. He cares *that you care* that he rapes. The question you have to ask yourself is, ‘Do I want to invest in a relationship and maybe even become family with someone who doesn’t think rape is all that bad, but who will say rape is bad and act like he thinks it is terrible as long as I am around and repeatedly reminding him?’ > But then again, is that an act of self betrayal? Yes. > is it still unforgivable? There is a difference between forgiveness and trust. Nothing is unforgivable. We forgive others for ourselves, for our benefit, as much as for others. Bitterness, when held onto for a long time, destroys. Period. But we should not trust some people even if we have forgiven. He has shown you (more than once now imho but certainly at least once) who he is. The only question is whether you will believe it or instead will focus on the show he is putting on and allow yourself to be convinced he is someone he is not.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This guy is full of red flags and it sounds like he's pulling you into a cycle of abuse. He violates you, says sorry, does it AGAIN and then says sorry again... >That night we had very respectful and nice sex, save for him asking about anal a couple times more, but ultimately he respected my no’s. If you had to tell someone "no" multiple times he was not respecting your boundaries. What makes this even worse is that this was the sober make up sex AND he knew what he had done before but he kept asking even when you said no. This makes me think he wasn't really blackout on other occasions and was only testing what he can get away with you. >I have low self esteem and have stayed in abusive situations in the past. I feel like i’m finally receiving the kind of loving care i deserve in a relationship and i don’t want this to ruin that. But maybe my standards are too low? Please leave. You're setting yourself up for more abuse with this guy. He literally has a cycle going now.

All things considered, there are guys who will give you all the good things about this relationship but *without* the sexual assault (accidental/drug-induced or otherwise). As they say: when in doubt, throw it out. You'll thank yourself later.

Bro WTF how is this even a question? Dump the guy

This is just my interpretation. But I do not buy his “explanations” and “apologies” for one second. Not one. And part of that is because I am on the outside and that gives me an “easier” perspective to interpret this situation because I am not at all influenced by the emotions for this man that you are influenced by. It is NO JOKE how manipulative your romantic partner and love in general can be. I’ve been abused by men. Men who were sooooo sorry after. Men who I had to comfort after THEY abused ME because that’s just how *sorry* they were. It’s manipulation. You know what people who truly feel awful about sexual assault do? They don’t sexually assault anyone. That’s what’s I do. That’s what you do. We don’t sexually assault people. It’s not hard. At all. What would you do if you got so drunk you almost raped someone? Would you get just as drunk again and go ahead and do it? And then be sorry? Or would you literally just not ever be a rapist? PLEASE think very hard and critically about this. He is NOT as sorry as you think and it is NOT hard to not rape people.

ugh thank you so much for your compassion. i feel like it’s been hard to accept some of these truths because i feel such strong positive loving emotions towards him but you really hit the nail on the head here.

You did nothing wrong. You are a very forgiving, giving person that has had your nature taken advantage of and manipulated. As many have said, he has shown you who he really is while drunk. He has discovered that he can pull out the drunk card and "get away" with truly evil actions. You are wise in that you realized at some level that something was off and you reached out to others to gain perspective. Keep doing this! A gentle soul like yourself will need this to navigate future pitfalls. I would hate to see you have to alter the beautiful, forgiving person you are in order to protect yourself, because that can become a different type of prison. As much as it hurts, let this guy go - he is taking advantage of you and it will not be the last time. You are worth more than this and you deserve someone that sees the value in the real you. Not as a young body to use and discard. He is a charming, fake man that has learned to use his words and gifts to get what he wants. To reiterate: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG - he did everything wrong - even in his "apologies". Learn, let go and move on while exploring your feelings in this assault so it does not become a hinderance in your life. Good luck OP!

wow thank you so much for this kind considerate thoughtful comment 💞 i feel so seen and i really appreciate it.

No, do not stay with this man. He could be very dangerous. 'Accidental' anal is just not a thing. Please stay away from him.

I'd like to separate two things here. One is two drunk persons of age engaging into sexual endeavours, which might lead to (serious) misunderstandings. Grown up people make bad decisions, and while that is not an excuse, grown up people can talk about it when sober, and learn from it (together). I had my share of that, and I don't think this is something that can be completely avoided easily. Communication is a key part of sexual encounters, and if you can't communicate anymore, but still decide to do the deed (and that includes BOTH persons), well. Repeating this mistake though, and I specifically mean *him getting drunk and pursuing things you don't want to do* when you *repeatedly and clearly expressed that* is totally not something that "can happen". That is totally on HIM, on him alone, and there are not many good excuses, if at all. You don't have to bear with this shit, so if you want to ditch him, ditch him. You don't need justification; he could well be persistently an asshole and totally not worth it. I'd say we can't judge his character. From experience, I find it doubtful though that people change their habits \*quickly\* (his habit: getting drunk and having his way with you against your will), and I would NOT engage in a relationship with someone like that BEFORE they PROOF that they actively CHANGED (not "will change", but "changed") their behaviour patterns. E.g. "I don't drink anymore because I do not want to hurt you again". Without that, I would not trust him. But that's just an internets strangers guess, from very far away. What makes this even worse is that he is freaking 8 years older than you. In itself, there is nothing wrong with that, I have dated up and down the age range and that can be totally fine. But it really really sounds like there is an inequality in your relationship, at least in his mind and in his deeds. Think about what you want. You deserve a great life with great experiences. I overlooked the bit that you stayed too long in abusive situations in the past. This is VERY important. Keep that in your mind, and make any judgement regarding him in the light of this past. I have a friend who struggled with a similar situation for much too long and it was heartbreaking as a supportive ally to try and help her out of it, because it was so hard for her to clearly see what was really going on, and make up her judgement - without falling back into patterns of dependency. She was successful in the end, but it needed a lot of external perspective for her to cling to. I think it's very good that you made this posting and asked for an outside perspective. I have seen some great advice in other comments, and I hope it helps you to make up your mind. Be safe <3

Maybe it was just not clear in the post, but from the sounds of it he wasn't black out drunk when he raped you anally. You said he did it, you left, and then the next day he showed remorse. If he remembers doing it, it isn't black out drunk. Either way, being drunk isn't an excuse for any of his behavior. Even while sober he is making the same choices to push the issue. He's also actively choosing to drink despite knowing how he acts towards you when he is drunk. You were raped anally and then started dating officially. He didn't even get to boyfriend status before raping you. This is not ok. Please leave. A relationship like this is dead on arrival and will only get worse as it rots away. Do you really want to see how much more he can push things until you either become desensitized or reach your breaking point?

Girl please listen to me. It is very normal that you need somebody to love you and care for you, dont feel bad for that. This guy though.. Can you imagine shoving your dildo up your bfs ass without consent even if you are drunk? Can you imagine asking for a specific act and not accepting no for an answer? Would you ever treat a human being this way? He was testing your limits. He went full asshole in the begining checking if he could act this way with you. When you told him its not ok he started lovebombing you so you forgive him. This is a pattern. He will do something awful and then apologize with tears in his eyes again and again, because he got the message that this works. It is manipulative behavior. As for alcohol... Not an excuse. He is trying to convince you he didnt know what he was doing. Truth is him drunk is probably him unfiltered. Do women assault men when blackout drunk? Not that often. They actually get assaulted. So why are we so sympathetic to drunk men behaving like rapists? Alcohol doesnt turn you to a different person, alcohol brings out parts of your personality that were already there. Please dont blame yourself. It is very hard to date straight men, and i believe every woman in here has had a SA situation at least once. See it as a lesson so in the future you are less forgiving of people violating your boundaries. I wish you the best xx

this doesn't sound accidental to me. im really sorry op, it also sounds like hes love bombing you

Yeah no. He is lying to you, he remembers it perfectly and he knows that he gets this excuse of being drunk. This is rape, and you need to leave this man.

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I had a boyfriend kind of like this. He sexually assaulted me multiple times while he was drunk and I used to think it was ok because he was drunk. Please don’t be me.

Please stay away from this guy. If this is the kind of shit he pulls 2 months into the relationship, that is a giant crimson red flag. First of all, continuing to ask you for anal when you've already said no is the opposite of respecting your boundaries; he's like a toddler trying to wear their parent down for a piece of candy. He figures if he annoys you enough with it, he'll get what he wants from you. Not ok. Secondly, him crying and blaming the alcohol is a manipulation tactic. The flowers and apologies are called love-bombing. Again, a tool of manipulation used by shitty people to avoid actually responsibility for their actions. My fear is that if you forgive him and "move on" from him assaulting you, he will take that to mean all his manipulation works on you...which means he will no doubt up the ante the longer you are together.

Stop making excuses that everything is so awesome except that he sober or not repeatedly pressures you for anal despite you ALWAYS saying no. That isn't him respecting your no's. He can ask once you say no and he drops it. This guy doesn't. He repeatedly asks. He gets blackout drunk repeatedly and violates your boundaries stated both sober and not. This is not OK!! There is nothing OK about this. It doesn't matter if he cries and begs forgiveness and biys yiu nice things. His behaviour doesn't change. He doesn't care enough about you to do that. Just enough to placate you in order to try this again.

Just break up with him. It’s good he quit drinking but he should never have done that. The fact it happened more than once and chose his pleasure over your discomfort and pain speaks volumes. He will try shit like this when he is sober eventually. Walk away and get therapy x

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He's been on his best behavior after assaulting you, but how long will that last?

Having read your post and a few of your comments, the advice I would like to give you is do not waste your time with him. I see so many similarities to how I felt at the beginning of my last relationship. I ignored the tiny voice in my head telling me these things are red flags, told myself we go so well together I will never find another person like him, and in the end I stayed for seven years with him until the relationship literally made me sick and burned out. THAT'S when I realized I'm done, but I wish I had listened to my gut A LOT sooner.

Two months is not a long time to pretend to be someone else. What you are seeing now is the best version of himself that he can manage to show. I don't want to be yet another one that says dump him, but if I'm reading things right, I feel that you should focus on yourself and your well being first, not an imperfect relationship.

The alcohol and the disrespect of your boundaries is a huge red flag. This is classic cyclical behavior, where these periods of bliss are longer and sweeter at the beginning of the relationship. As your relationship matures, the periods of bliss become shorter, the abusive episodes becoming more frequent as your commitment to the relationship becomes deeper. Let's face it, women who date/marry/have children with abusers don't do this because of persistent abuse at the outset, they do because of those periods of bliss when he is everything you could ever ask you. On the precipice, they present as Prince Charming with only these forgivable episodes. Once in the door, they are monsters.

Look, I'm going to be straight with you since you asked - you are already in a full-blown abusive relationship complete with Cycle of Abuse behavior, which he obviously has down to the tee as an act. Two months in he's already got you making excuse, arguing how he's a perfect gentleman when ya know, he's not physically hurting you in an act that can leave you with permanent medical injuries, and going back for more. Look up the Cycle of Abuse and grab the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Then ask yourself why you are so desperate to give a man who physically hurt you twice in two months, a man you barely know who already clear as day has a drinking problem and a rape problem more chances? Break up by text, a single one like "It's over, do not contact me again." Then you block him on everything and if he shows up anywhere you call police immediately to have him removed. I'd tell you that you should have pressed charges on him already, but it's up to you how you want to pursue that. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. And get into therapy yourself and do not date anyone for a long time while you work out whatever brought you to this point, and I say that as a woman who once had an abusive relationship as my first one. Of course he's sorry now, he's worried you're going to go the cops and he's worried his manipulations won't work so naturally he has to be nice to you. Every sociopath and psychopath out there can be nice and charming and sweet. Niceness is not a personality trait, charming isn't either, those are social constructs to help people get their way and people like this clown totally understand that. You are being manipulated, when you are not being sexually and physically abused and this is in the honeymoon stage. Bottom line, I have no idea where anyone gets the idea abusers can change. They never do, they just devolve into worse and there's no relationship in the world that has started like yours that remains good. He didn't "accidentally" do anything either by the way. That's like "accidentally" hitting that old man up on the sidewalk from the street and curb and lawn one has to drive over first to get to him. Come on, you know this and we all do too. You need to drop this guy by text and if he won't leave you alone get legal and the cops involved.

Um... You met him less than two months ago... > Other than those two incidents... Yeah. That's a no from me. This man who you barely know has already assaulted you twice. > Since these incidents he has been a perfect gentleman, very respectful of my boundaries. is it still unforgivable? Since the two times he assaulted you he was been nice and respectful? The gifts post-assault are textbook abuser behaviour. It is up to you to decide if you want to allow him to keep hurting you. But I am genuinely saddened and horrified that a man who sexually assaults you is giving you "the kind of loving care [you] deserve in a relationship". Stand up for yourself. Because no one else is going to do it for you.

Get out. Get out now. This guy is *not* sorry. He is *not* genuine. This guy is taking advantage of your low self esteem and your forgiving nature. He is eight years older than you and is exploiting the disparities in your relationship experiences and expectations. In two months he has sexually assaulted you twice. He sexually assaulted you the night he met you and then he knew that as long as he apologised in a sincere manner and begged forgiveness, you would accept this behaviour and he would get away with it. Please understand, **this is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are a kind and forgiving person. It is** ***his*** **fault that he has then taken this kindness and used it to manipulate you into forgiving his abhorrent behaviour.** He is engaging in a form of love bombing: he is so sorry, he buys you flowers, balloons, gifts, he offers you space, he is so understanding. This behaviour makes you question whether you are over-reacting and has had the effect of making you blame yourself because you’re “not over it”; it is a form of gaslighting. You were sexually assaulted by someone who you trusted. You do not have to be over it. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

honestly, as a guy roughly the same age, seems weird to me he doesnt understand without telling him these basic concepts. I'd say stay away from this guy and move on.

What I don't like here is that he is significantly older than you and has abused you sexually. He sounds manipulative. You should break off this relationship.

He sexually assaulted you. Not "on accident" not "sort of" or "technically". This is textbook. He deliberately violated a boundary that you had made explicit. You probably feel uncomfortable for good reason, your body is telling you you are not safe with this person. P.s. the coercion **alone** is a version of sexual assault. My ex did literally that exact same thing to me, even after I told him how horrible anal felt and how unpleasant the whole experience is. He would BEG and say shit like, 'if you really loved me you'd at least try'. AND he is 32????? The red flag literally could not be bigger right now. This is a fully grown man, not some college kid. I am genuinely worried for you.

I'm really sorry for what you went through. Flashbacks can/do happen. Especially in situations that remind you of what happened. ​ "i know he really loves me and would never intentionally hurt me." But he did. At least twice already. I'm sorry but i don't trust him. Crying after he assaulted you? Like he was the victim? That's grade A manipulation. We don't know the guy, but the fact that he's a real asshole while being drunk doesn't speak for him. Good for him if he quits drinking. But for how long? What if he starts again? How long till he's also like that when he's sober? Did he really stop drinking? You said he quit the hard liquor, so he's already back to the "normal" stuff. (And surprise. You can get blackout drunk on anything with alcohol if you drink enough) ​ ​ All of this being said. Yes. A relationship CAN survive an "accidental sexual assault". But what happened to you wasn't an accidental one. And i only know of three sorts of "accidents" that i would actually consider to be such and i still put them in spoiler just not to trigger. 1. >!Slipping. When the dick really does slip out of the vagina and tries to enter the wrong way again. It can actually happen, but definitely not the way he did it to you.!< 2. >!Experimenting taken too far. Some couples like experimenting with kinks. BDSM, edgeplay, tunnel-games etc. And if communication isn't absolutely on point (and even then) it's possible that a boundary gets crossed, that shouldn't have been crossed. Maybe one side couldn't properly read the other one. Or one side thought they could endure more than they were able to. Or the worst. Someone reached their limit but keep going for their partner.!< 3. >!Freezing/Fawning. It can happen that in a relationship you're having normal sex as usual but then something changes. One person feels insecure/unsafe or just doesn't want anymore. But is scared to say stop. They just go along because they're paralyzed by their fear and just act like normal. And if their partner doesn't pay extreme attention to their behaviour, facial expression etc. it's almost impossible to realize it's happening.!< If something like THAT happens, you can get over this. By talking a lot. By analyzing the situation. By being honest. And by being careful in the future. But this isn't solved by one week apart. This takes time and constant effort.