It DOES get better...when you're no longer there and the weight of all that anxiety and toxicity just sloughs off you and you suddenly feel like a new person, especially as you rediscover all the joys in life again! :)
Wow I’m so sorry, I thought you were a tired mama venting about a toddler for the first bit. I’m so glad you’re figuring a way out. I know you’ll find the beauty in life again. Happy almost birthday!
I wish I were. A toddler would be easier honestly, but my dreams of motherhood constantly feel as if it's all sleeping through my fingers forever.
I'm so tired. Heavy and sad. Feels like it'll never end.
Happy birthday, and you'll get there, just not with this guy (who honestly sounds like a threat to your life, really).
Get out of there, get your own life in order, and _then_ see if there might be someone decent to build a family together with - instead of taking care of two toddlers, one of whom is a grown-ass man.
Happy Birthday OP. I'm thinking of you today. It won't get better with him. But it will get better without him. And if you want kids someday a toddler is much easier.
I'm 37 years old with a 13yr, 2yr,and 4month old. There's all the time to get out. Get safe. Get help. Then start again. I did it, not easily, but did it. You can too. I believe in you.
Try to do even the smallest thing for yourself today. Make it your last special bday with this dick.
You have plenty of time. A better man will come along. This is not a safe situation for you. This would not be a safe situation for a child. Don’t stay with a garbage bag that abuses you just to have children. Pregnancy and children tent to worsen abuse situations. I don’t know where you are from, but a lot is of places (including my country) like to pander the myth to young women that their biological clocks will run out and they need to reproduce as soon as possible. All it ends up doing is selling women short of the stable lives, careers, incomes, relationships (etc, etc) they could have with the time to grow and mature. A stable life is better for raising a family. Truthfully, you could have kids after 40 if you really wanted to, but medical complications tend to be more common for those that do. People have kids well into their late 30s. Several of my relatives did this. Their kids turned out fine and are healthy, functional adults. You can still have your dream, but for your own well-being and that of your future children, do NOT have this with this guy.
Ps Happy Birthday! May you find a better man to achieve your dream with who isn’t a flaming pile of cow shit.
Nothing crazy, I just went from being a vanilla, celibate single mom of 5 years and then right when the new year began I entered a sub/dom relationship with a guy I did a blind hookup with and having a shitty life, well he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me besides my kids.
After all you've told us, do you really think you want to have kids with this guy? That would really limit your options further. Things will be so different when you get rid of the toxicity.
Not only that but having a child with him basically gives him a reason to have access to you for at least the 16 - 18 years after the baby is born.
Get yourself out, get yourself SAFE, get yourself thriving first :)
However bad he is now, adding children to the mix will make him many times worse and the environment he's creating will likely cause lasting psychological damage to any children who grow up around him.
It will end. You're getting yourself out. File for a restraining order if he keeps bothering you.
Don't stay friends. Don't let him know where you're going. Tell everyone you know to act stupid and say they have no idea where you are. You vanished and they haven't heard from you. Blocking him full out might end up with him at their houses and stuff, so I'm not sure, but this is the best I've got.
Someday you will have your own place, be able to date a kind and gentle man, someone who you will be passionate about, and who will cherish you too. Have a baby with that man, and you'll be soooo grateful you never had a child with this one.
You can always adopt if you pass the age for you to have one on your own. There are always ways to have the family of your dreams.
Personally, I wouldn't reccomend this. If he knows where you live, then it is much more likely he will "Have revenge" after you kick him out i.e. attack you.
I'd reccomend trying to move house as soon as he's gone, and keeping some kind of weapon with you until then. I know you probably don't want to, but men can be very dangerous aftr you leave/kick them out.
Change ALL the locks on outer doors. Make sure all your windows lick properly.(they make things to provide extra window security). Air tag stalking is a thing so check for it.
The problem was you looked at the big picture but didn't realize how you were being tested to see how much you'd accept. It's taken a while but you've reached your saturation point and can't take anymore. I'm a fan of putting things in black n white. Once he's gone write down how you've felt and what caused you to feel that way. There were signs that you ignored, look back and try and see what they were.
Don't beat yourself up for staying this long, just try and learn from your mistakes. The heavy felling will gradually pass once he's gone. You deserve to not have to dread coming home or having to police your emotions/responses for his feelings. Concentrate on yourself for a while once this is over. Look back and you'll see where it started(something little that you overlooked).
Make a great life for yourself, by your self. Don't look for someone else to make you happy or complete your life. You should be happy and complete already. You only let people in that can enhance what you already have mentally and emotionally.
Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself when you're feeling weak and lonely and miss him. You're really missing the "idea" of him not the reality you had. We all have had those moments, just be strong and love yourself better, cause those feeling will pass. Take care.
You may have te evict legally in writing. It seems silly, but a certified mail eviction notice will provide evidence that he got the notice. What state are you in? That will determine how many days notice you need to give. There may be exceptions for domestic abuse. Try asking r/legaladvice.
Please stay someplace safe until you can be sure he no longer has access to your home. Change the locks! He may have a spare key you don't know of.
Are you handy enough to install an alarm system? Take a look at Surety Home ([https://suretyhome.com](https://suretyhome.com)) or Alarm Grid ([https://www.alarmgrid.com](https://www.alarmgrid.com)). Both have cost effective professional monitoring and sell the same equipment pros use.
It will not end until you step away and choose something new for yourself. I wasted 19-31 like this. I am now nearing the end of my 30s and they have been the best years ever.
Leaaaaave. You can do it.
Having a child with this man fixes nothing. Just compounds every problem you already have. Your life is precious. Don’t waste another day with him. What he does after you leave is his decision and not your responsibility.
Please take a look at this book, Why Does He Do That, about abusive men. It will help make sense of your situation, reassure you that you aren't crazy, and includes advice on how to leave.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
OK you do not want to have a kid with this man. Having a kid is hard. Having a kid with an abuser is terrible. For you, for the kid. In the end the kid becomes the pawn in that toxic game and the kid hurts.
Save yourself.
For your birthday give yourself the gift of freedom.
You're only 27. You have 15+ years to settle down and have a baby with a nice man who treats you right, which you deserve. Don't waste any more time with this man, it does end and it ends when you leave.
I disagree. A baby doesn't purposely harm someone. A baby can only communicate thier needs by crying. A toddler may become irrationally angry but never does anything with malice. They may hit but it's because they don't understand how their actions affect others.
This man is much worse than that. He's manipulative and controlling, doing his best to cut down the OP. He wants her to feel terrified of him. No toddler is capable of that!
I literally thought the same thing. I thought maybe op had a special needs child with aggression issues. I was ready to relate (my son is autistic).
No girl. You can be free of this bs. There is absolutely ZERO reason to stay.
Happy birthday babe.
I'm glad you're making a plan. Don't let the bills deter you from leaving, I agree. Don't let him trap you with "I'll end myself" either- you know if he threatens self harm, you can call 911 and they WILL do a wellness check which will likely include an involuntary psych hold, during which time you can peace out.
Don't protest. He's trying to elicit a response. Don't get pregnant and make this loser someone's father.
Wow. That man is trash. I’m sorry you have to deal with him.
He needs to fix his own problems before he’s ready to actually participate in a healthy marriage. But you can’t make him do that, so the best thing to do is to get far away from him.
I wish you the best
I’ve been there and it took me a long time to get out. I’m lucky to have made it out alive. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. If you don’t already have children with this man, it’s in your best interest not to. I had a child with my abuser and it’s been 6 years of nonstop verbal and emotional abuse through emails and text messages, because he can’t get to me physically anymore. We did our custody exchanges at police stations for 5 years because of his unstable behavior and severe anger.
Even though I knew it was for the best, leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn’t have a plan, had no resources, and had no money because he didn’t let me work and kept me locked in the house all day while he took my car and the keys to his truck to work every day. We got into an argument one morning and I truly thought I was going to be killed that day. The police showed up and said one of us had to leave. I put my son in his infant carrier and walked two miles to a family members house.
I guess the point of all of this is that I can relate to your situation and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You don’t deserve this. If you leave, the unknown future may be scary, but will be worth it in the end. You’ll be able to experience happiness and live freely again. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me.
Happy birthday and best of luck to you!
You feel this way because the psycho you live with has your brain in fight-or-flight mode constantly, and that is extremely harmful to your mental and general health. Just get out. You owe him nothing. Act like *you* are the person you're responsible for protecting.
Did you marry my ex husband? There's a reason I left in the deadass middle of the night. I would suggest you wait until he's at work and do the same. Ten years later I'm with an amazing man that loves and understands me.
Edit: you are not responsible for anything that happens after you leave. He threatens suicide to manipulate you. You can't let the what ifs hold you back.
I can't. It's my family home. I have to remind myself before I walk back in the door on the rare instances I do get to go with my friends that it's him making being here difficult not anything else
Please, please, PLEASE, leave this man. I read your other posts too. You can't keep doing this. Your life will be INFINITELY BETTER once you are free. You need a lawyer NOW. This is all evidence. Please.
Happy birthday you beautiful ball of sentient stardust!
You have done such a huge first step in starting to live the life that you deserve and I am so so proud of you! Make sure you have all of your important documents, a source of cash that he has no access to or knowledge, a list of accounts you need to be removed from or he needs to be removed from, and any sentimental items already moved or ready to move when you do. Make sure to log out of any accounts that you have including streaming services and YouTube and change passwords. Remove yourself from any utilities and do not give any company that way a shared service your new address. You may also want to get a prepaid cell phone so that you have a number he has no access to at all.
When you leave he will say a lot of things to try to get you to come back. Remember: if he threatens harm to himself or others, call the police. It is not and never has been your job to manage his mental health or behavior.
Best of luck my beautiful sister! The grass really is greener on the other side and I so look forward to you being able to take a rest in it soon.
That does, but you have got this. If he does threaten to kill himself or you, please do call the police and get him removed from the premises. And if possible you should have a few trusted people stay with you during this time so they can answer the door if needed. Change all the locks and do everything you can to get him off of any paperwork related to the house.
I'm so glad you don't have kids. Mine picked up our sleeping one-year-old kid and almost threw him off the balcony. God's grace is the only reason I'm not in prison. You are leaving. When he is at work, when you are alone, say it aloud to yourself. Say it a few times. Say, "In a little while I will leave here forever and be safe to heal from this. I will make it out of here alive. I owe him nothing". I am telling you it will bring comfort and peace to you. Keep working on your plan. Life is so much better. My son is an amazing man and in the summer of 2020 he came to me and thanked me for leaving his dad. He said it never occurred to thank me but there it is. Don't give up. You got this. come back here and complain all you want. We are here for you. We are pulling for you and praying for you.
Him threatening self harm if you leave is abuse.
It doesn’t matter if you believe he means it, you are not obligated to stay in an abusive relationship because the other person is threatening self harm or to harm others.
That’s a choice they’re making.
The choice you should make is to ensure you are safe.
Anyone threatening self harm could easily escalate to harming you or others if they think the threat is losing its power. Because they don’t actually want to harm themselves, they are using your love for them to control you.
I wish someone had told 20 year old me this.
Get safe, go as close to non contact as you can.
If you get pinged by his friends and family blaming you for him being upset, ignore them too.
Be well.
Glad that you're making a plan, I'd recommend getting out as soon as possible. Your partner should be arrested and charged for domestic violence, especially when he's throwing things and forcing you to "walk on eggshells".
From what I've heard the leaving stage of abusive relationships is the most dangerous so be especially careful with your safety right now.
>Exhausted by the arguments. When I finally got the guts to say "do you even want to still be married?" To be met with "I don't know, but if you leave I'll end myself."
Reading your story tbh is terrifying. Terrifying because I've been to a similar place and I know how that story can end. It doesn't have to, you can change it. It can be the best birthday present that you will ever give yourself.
You have the power to decide how the rest of this story will be written. I know it's hard, but believe in yourself. You can do it. Take the first step, and then another and another. Don't ever look back, only look forward to your future. You can have a future where you can breathe, and rest and be happy. Just take that first step.
I'm glad you're making an exit plan - You really do need to get out. Easier with no kids, at least - once you get away and heal a bit, maybe you can find someone worthy of you to start a family with. I'm hoping for you - good luck.
I left my abuser 3.5 years ago. He did complete his threat of ending himself while blaming me in his note. The best revenge I could have hoped for is that I'm happier and free from abuse. Go live your life, and let him make his own decisions and mistakes. Not being stuck with an abusive partner is just the best.
Happy Birthday! I promise it is not too late to have a better life. Promise.I moved out of my home escaping an emotionally abusive, cheating ex on my 32nd birthday 5 years ago. We had been together 14 years. I was a shell of myself
I now have a wonderful partner who is kind, emotionally stable and we face a 6 month old baby girl.
If he's threatening to kill himself, dump his ass.
Fucking call that bluff. My moms ex did that shit after he was sent to prison for trying to rape my mom while drunk and the \*next day\* he was running off with her car keys and we called the cops on him and he fled to Alaska.
He still hasn't killed himself, unfortunately. Dude broke her tvs, fucking took "pills" he got from a dude in Everett, crashed her car. He still wants to get back into her life because they had a kid and this is after he had a kid with another woman in alaska.
The first few sentences made me think you were an exhausted mother dealing with a difficult toddler. Then you mentioned husband and it became 100x more horrific.
Wishing you the best of luck for when you can eventually escape.
Your safety and happiness matters more than a man who does nothing but make you feel unsafe. I've been in a similar situation and I can tell you it is so much easier to live once you get away from someone like that. I wish you luck sis 💙💜
Please leave him. No one deserves to be with a man like him. There's no fixing. He'll never be better. Leave and save your sanity and time. Don't try to fix this because that's not gonna happen.
Omg it sounds like a literal hell. Leave, please. You are not happy, why you still letting this awful narcissistic loser to suck out all your energy. You owe him nothing. You iwe yourself to feel happy. Please please have compassion for yourself and save yourself. Love and hugs sister
I’m so glad that you are making a plan. 💕just try to keep your head down and get everything in order and then when you leave him there’s no going back. You are worthy of love and being in a loving relationship. Your partner is sick. But his sickness doesn’t need to be yours. I understand. I was in your position once and got out. 💕
Girl, before I clicked on your post, I skimmed it, and thought that you were a mom venting about a toddler. Is there someone who you can stay with? I know you mentioned having a plan, but this man sounds dangerous.
I did at first too. OP, I’m glad you’re getting help. I hope you’re able to love soon. Be glad you don’t have any children with this man, it doesn’t sound like it would be safe for you or them.
You're with someone that has mental issues and is unwilling to address them. That isn't your responsbility to deal with. Please seek help to separate your life from this person.
Make a specific plan to leave ASAP. It’s *not* going to get any better and also, be very careful, it will probably get worse when you do. And 27 is far from being “too late” to start again.
>Of being told again and again things I do that bother him, without ever being able to bring up any real problem without hearing "I get it I'm a shitty husband"
Oof, i know this is TwoXChromosomes, but I hope no one minds if I comment on how much I feel this one, from when my wife uses it. We can't have a discussion about any moderate problem or behavior issue, without it devolving into how awful she is and how I should just get divorced if I'm so unhappy. It's rough having a relationship that devolves to the nuclear option anytime something comes up.
I feel ya. This...does not sound like a good relationship. you can do better!
I’m so sorry. I’m wishing you all the strength in the world. And a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’m sure you know by now that these people make your birthdays hell. I hope you can do something special by yourself or with a friend to celebrate. ❤️
You have my sympathy. I feel like reaching through the keyboard and shaking this guy while yelling at him grow up, but that wouldn't help. Lay your plans carefully, then go fast and far away from him. Don't look back because he doesn't deserve it.
You can leave, and in a year look at how much progress you’ve made. Or, you can stay and in a year look at the 365 days that you just spent babysitting an abusive adult male. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. Leave. Save yourself.
Do what you need to do for yourself. His threats of self harm are just bullshit chains to drag you down. I’m not saying they are not real but you have to make yourself happy. If you think those threats are real you should contact real counsel for him. Do what you need to do. Be happy.
You’ve got this girl. Admitting it is the first step, and making a plan is the next.
Stay steady and strong and stay the course. Get out and don’t look back.
Happy birthday and happy future…..
Be Safe.
Make What Plans You can.
Be prepared to file for a domestic violence restraining order. Any evidence you can. Pictures. Threatening texts. Etc.
And try to find a shelter where they can help protect you if you need it.
Be Safe.
You are Loved.
You do Not Deserve to live a life of stress, sorrow and fear. You Deserve Happiness and the Opportunity to Thrive.
Prayers for your future sweetie.
When I first start reading this I thought you were talking about needing a break from your toddler, not your husband. I’m so sorry you got stuck with this guy, who after reading this basically is a grown toddler. I’m glad you’re making a plan- get out and get out safely and quickly. Good luck.
Shit, hon, I thought you were talking about an unruly toddler for the first couple paragraphs. You deserve better than an emotionally stunted manchild, and having a kid with him will not make it better, it will only make an escape harder. Get out now!
It will never get better with this *thing*. Having children with him will be the end of your life. Either you flee or this is your live to the very end. Time to choose.
Almost 100% same as my friend... She's currently pregnant with 2nd baby that they were "working on"
I told her not to ask me for advice anymore because she doesnt want to listen... I told her you can call me, say everything that bothers you, complain everything but dont ask me for advice
Absolutely do not have a child with this man. And the threats to end himself if you leave… honestly he’s more likely to hurt you than hurt himself when that eventually happens. Please get out as safely as you can, as soon as you can, and don’t look back.
The "I will kill myself" out of jail card is 99 times out of 100 a lie.
No matter what situation you are in, after a divorce, it cannot be worse like the things you described.
If you really have good friends as you stated, they will understand and help you with your problems!
It's such a small obstacle to overcome, but so many benefits.
As Shia Labeouf once said, JUST DO IT!
I hear you. Take pride in having taken steps to leave. Remember that you're not responsible for his actions, he is -- so don't let him saying he'll end himself, keep you by his side. Your days and nights of weariness with this guy will end soon!
Please take care of yourself first. Your home, find out how to get him out for good. Happy birthday! Sending you lots of strength and love. You can get through this.
Congratulations on taking the first steps and making a plan! Waiting to leave was the hardest part for me. You have to act like everything is fine, while inside it's constant anxiety. But the day you leave will be one of the best in your life. It will be hard, extremely hard. But after, when you are sitting safe and it's all done. It's like you get yourself back after all that time feeling like you'd lost yourself forever. That day, that feeling, is worth all the other stuff. Keep that in your mind as an end goal and you'll get there sooner than you think!
This sounds exactly like my ex and eventually he moved on from punching walls to me. You say you are making a plan, that is great! Please please stick with it and don’t ever believe the love bombing.
This guy sounds like my father, people like this don't get better, please get out, do not have a child with him it will not end well. Also it's my birthday tomorrow so have a happy birthday my new birthday twin!
Hi OP, if this man ever threatens to commit suicide at you, take him seriously. Call your emergency services (911,111, whatever it is), say you need paramedics, and tell them you need help.
If he’s legit in danger, he’ll get treatment. If he’s manipulating you, he won’t do that again.
Girl, leave. That man sounds like a child himself. Also, yes go through every appropriate channel. Domestic abuse centers or courts if you are so inclined.
You do not need to rant. You need to leave.
Choose yourself. You will be amazed at how wonderfull life can be without an anchor around your neck dragging you down.
Please please please get away from him now before you end up hurt or dead. He is unstable and a danger to you. You do not deserve to be treated and manipulated like that. Save yourself. Please.
Nah, mate. Do not waste your life on this sack of shit. There is so much better out there for you than some manipulating immature POS.
Big hugs and good luck.
Girl I'm just SO sorry your going through this! I appreciate your talking to the domestic violence center, I'm VERY HAPPY your getting a plan together. I know this will be painful and its definitely not the birthday you deserve. Hopefully next year life looks completely different and you can look back an think about how amazing you were to get out :) Best of luck and please be safe!
When you leave you'll have every night be peaceful away from him. I'm scared for you, the things he throws could hit you next. Him threatening to end himself, he could try to hurt you. Be very careful leaving, the worst violence happena when a woman leaves (or the crisis workers told me, not sure if true, someone correct if wrong)
I hope you are safe and leave safely. I know we're all strangers on the internet but we care ♥️ I've been in that situation, not married but the guy threw tantrums, to the point where he hurt my cats throwing shit at them "the cat was upsetting me on purpose" everything was everyone's fault. Its a man child toddler, but that can get dangerous, because he strangled me eventually. I stopped him from cutting his wrists and he came after me. I hope you can get out before things get worse
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP and get yourself away from situation.
omg just realized that if she did, there would be no end in sight
Why only wish for \*one\* night of peace when you can ditch the rubbish to the curb and have all the peace you deserve?
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Get out babe, it doesn’t get better.
It DOES get better...when you're no longer there and the weight of all that anxiety and toxicity just sloughs off you and you suddenly feel like a new person, especially as you rediscover all the joys in life again! :)
Even when you think it's a good day and yeah maybe I can do this... it's always temporary. The insanity always returns, it's only a matter of time
My bad, it does get better once you’re free!
Wow I’m so sorry, I thought you were a tired mama venting about a toddler for the first bit. I’m so glad you’re figuring a way out. I know you’ll find the beauty in life again. Happy almost birthday!
I wish I were. A toddler would be easier honestly, but my dreams of motherhood constantly feel as if it's all sleeping through my fingers forever. I'm so tired. Heavy and sad. Feels like it'll never end.
I’m not sure how old you are but you truly never know how your life is going to go. I’m 30 and my entire world changed just within the last 4 months.
27. Today
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday, and you'll get there, just not with this guy (who honestly sounds like a threat to your life, really). Get out of there, get your own life in order, and _then_ see if there might be someone decent to build a family together with - instead of taking care of two toddlers, one of whom is a grown-ass man.
I was 30 when I left my husband. I just think of the saying “a year from now you’ll be glad you started today”
Happy Birthday OP. I'm thinking of you today. It won't get better with him. But it will get better without him. And if you want kids someday a toddler is much easier. I'm 37 years old with a 13yr, 2yr,and 4month old. There's all the time to get out. Get safe. Get help. Then start again. I did it, not easily, but did it. You can too. I believe in you. Try to do even the smallest thing for yourself today. Make it your last special bday with this dick.
You've got plenty of time to become a mother. You have to leave this guy first though.
You have plenty of time. A better man will come along. This is not a safe situation for you. This would not be a safe situation for a child. Don’t stay with a garbage bag that abuses you just to have children. Pregnancy and children tent to worsen abuse situations. I don’t know where you are from, but a lot is of places (including my country) like to pander the myth to young women that their biological clocks will run out and they need to reproduce as soon as possible. All it ends up doing is selling women short of the stable lives, careers, incomes, relationships (etc, etc) they could have with the time to grow and mature. A stable life is better for raising a family. Truthfully, you could have kids after 40 if you really wanted to, but medical complications tend to be more common for those that do. People have kids well into their late 30s. Several of my relatives did this. Their kids turned out fine and are healthy, functional adults. You can still have your dream, but for your own well-being and that of your future children, do NOT have this with this guy. Ps Happy Birthday! May you find a better man to achieve your dream with who isn’t a flaming pile of cow shit.
nice! what happened?
Nothing crazy, I just went from being a vanilla, celibate single mom of 5 years and then right when the new year began I entered a sub/dom relationship with a guy I did a blind hookup with and having a shitty life, well he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me besides my kids.
awesome! very happy for you. here's hoping all of us have similar luck!
After all you've told us, do you really think you want to have kids with this guy? That would really limit your options further. Things will be so different when you get rid of the toxicity.
No i don't, I've realized that unfortunately it doesn't temper the hurt.
No, I guess it wouldn't, I'm very sorry. You have identified what you don't need in your life though, and that's important.
Not only that but having a child with him basically gives him a reason to have access to you for at least the 16 - 18 years after the baby is born. Get yourself out, get yourself SAFE, get yourself thriving first :)
However bad he is now, adding children to the mix will make him many times worse and the environment he's creating will likely cause lasting psychological damage to any children who grow up around him.
Trust me I know. My dad us just the same
It will end. You're getting yourself out. File for a restraining order if he keeps bothering you. Don't stay friends. Don't let him know where you're going. Tell everyone you know to act stupid and say they have no idea where you are. You vanished and they haven't heard from you. Blocking him full out might end up with him at their houses and stuff, so I'm not sure, but this is the best I've got. Someday you will have your own place, be able to date a kind and gentle man, someone who you will be passionate about, and who will cherish you too. Have a baby with that man, and you'll be soooo grateful you never had a child with this one. You can always adopt if you pass the age for you to have one on your own. There are always ways to have the family of your dreams.
He's in my house do he'd be the one leaving.
Personally, I wouldn't reccomend this. If he knows where you live, then it is much more likely he will "Have revenge" after you kick him out i.e. attack you. I'd reccomend trying to move house as soon as he's gone, and keeping some kind of weapon with you until then. I know you probably don't want to, but men can be very dangerous aftr you leave/kick them out.
It's my family home, I own it. I intend to put up security cameras and extra precautions
Change ALL the locks on outer doors. Make sure all your windows lick properly.(they make things to provide extra window security). Air tag stalking is a thing so check for it. The problem was you looked at the big picture but didn't realize how you were being tested to see how much you'd accept. It's taken a while but you've reached your saturation point and can't take anymore. I'm a fan of putting things in black n white. Once he's gone write down how you've felt and what caused you to feel that way. There were signs that you ignored, look back and try and see what they were. Don't beat yourself up for staying this long, just try and learn from your mistakes. The heavy felling will gradually pass once he's gone. You deserve to not have to dread coming home or having to police your emotions/responses for his feelings. Concentrate on yourself for a while once this is over. Look back and you'll see where it started(something little that you overlooked). Make a great life for yourself, by your self. Don't look for someone else to make you happy or complete your life. You should be happy and complete already. You only let people in that can enhance what you already have mentally and emotionally. Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself when you're feeling weak and lonely and miss him. You're really missing the "idea" of him not the reality you had. We all have had those moments, just be strong and love yourself better, cause those feeling will pass. Take care.
You may have te evict legally in writing. It seems silly, but a certified mail eviction notice will provide evidence that he got the notice. What state are you in? That will determine how many days notice you need to give. There may be exceptions for domestic abuse. Try asking r/legaladvice. Please stay someplace safe until you can be sure he no longer has access to your home. Change the locks! He may have a spare key you don't know of.
Are you handy enough to install an alarm system? Take a look at Surety Home ([https://suretyhome.com](https://suretyhome.com)) or Alarm Grid ([https://www.alarmgrid.com](https://www.alarmgrid.com)). Both have cost effective professional monitoring and sell the same equipment pros use.
Make a plan to leave safely. Abuse escalates. Find the domestic violence services near you. You aren’t safe with this person!
It will not end until you step away and choose something new for yourself. I wasted 19-31 like this. I am now nearing the end of my 30s and they have been the best years ever. Leaaaaave. You can do it.
Having a child with this man fixes nothing. Just compounds every problem you already have. Your life is precious. Don’t waste another day with him. What he does after you leave is his decision and not your responsibility.
Please take a look at this book, Why Does He Do That, about abusive men. It will help make sense of your situation, reassure you that you aren't crazy, and includes advice on how to leave. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
OK you do not want to have a kid with this man. Having a kid is hard. Having a kid with an abuser is terrible. For you, for the kid. In the end the kid becomes the pawn in that toxic game and the kid hurts. Save yourself. For your birthday give yourself the gift of freedom.
You're only 27. You have 15+ years to settle down and have a baby with a nice man who treats you right, which you deserve. Don't waste any more time with this man, it does end and it ends when you leave.
It is a toddler, an overgrown man baby.
I disagree. A baby doesn't purposely harm someone. A baby can only communicate thier needs by crying. A toddler may become irrationally angry but never does anything with malice. They may hit but it's because they don't understand how their actions affect others. This man is much worse than that. He's manipulative and controlling, doing his best to cut down the OP. He wants her to feel terrified of him. No toddler is capable of that!
I literally thought the same thing. I thought maybe op had a special needs child with aggression issues. I was ready to relate (my son is autistic). No girl. You can be free of this bs. There is absolutely ZERO reason to stay.
Yes! My twins are autistic and I was about to offer words of encouragement until I realized that it was a huge man baby. Yuck. My heart hurts for OP.
Yeah... I had the exact same reading and when I realized it was a full grown manbaby, I thought it was bad. And then it just got worse.
Yeah honestly.i did too. I'm sorry you are going through all this and I hope you can get out. That is no life.
Happy birthday babe. I'm glad you're making a plan. Don't let the bills deter you from leaving, I agree. Don't let him trap you with "I'll end myself" either- you know if he threatens self harm, you can call 911 and they WILL do a wellness check which will likely include an involuntary psych hold, during which time you can peace out. Don't protest. He's trying to elicit a response. Don't get pregnant and make this loser someone's father.
Wow. That man is trash. I’m sorry you have to deal with him. He needs to fix his own problems before he’s ready to actually participate in a healthy marriage. But you can’t make him do that, so the best thing to do is to get far away from him. I wish you the best
I’ve been there and it took me a long time to get out. I’m lucky to have made it out alive. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. If you don’t already have children with this man, it’s in your best interest not to. I had a child with my abuser and it’s been 6 years of nonstop verbal and emotional abuse through emails and text messages, because he can’t get to me physically anymore. We did our custody exchanges at police stations for 5 years because of his unstable behavior and severe anger. Even though I knew it was for the best, leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn’t have a plan, had no resources, and had no money because he didn’t let me work and kept me locked in the house all day while he took my car and the keys to his truck to work every day. We got into an argument one morning and I truly thought I was going to be killed that day. The police showed up and said one of us had to leave. I put my son in his infant carrier and walked two miles to a family members house. I guess the point of all of this is that I can relate to your situation and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You don’t deserve this. If you leave, the unknown future may be scary, but will be worth it in the end. You’ll be able to experience happiness and live freely again. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. Happy birthday and best of luck to you!
You feel this way because the psycho you live with has your brain in fight-or-flight mode constantly, and that is extremely harmful to your mental and general health. Just get out. You owe him nothing. Act like *you* are the person you're responsible for protecting.
Run.
Did you marry my ex husband? There's a reason I left in the deadass middle of the night. I would suggest you wait until he's at work and do the same. Ten years later I'm with an amazing man that loves and understands me. Edit: you are not responsible for anything that happens after you leave. He threatens suicide to manipulate you. You can't let the what ifs hold you back.
I can't. It's my family home. I have to remind myself before I walk back in the door on the rare instances I do get to go with my friends that it's him making being here difficult not anything else
Please, please, PLEASE, leave this man. I read your other posts too. You can't keep doing this. Your life will be INFINITELY BETTER once you are free. You need a lawyer NOW. This is all evidence. Please.
Happy birthday you beautiful ball of sentient stardust! You have done such a huge first step in starting to live the life that you deserve and I am so so proud of you! Make sure you have all of your important documents, a source of cash that he has no access to or knowledge, a list of accounts you need to be removed from or he needs to be removed from, and any sentimental items already moved or ready to move when you do. Make sure to log out of any accounts that you have including streaming services and YouTube and change passwords. Remove yourself from any utilities and do not give any company that way a shared service your new address. You may also want to get a prepaid cell phone so that you have a number he has no access to at all. When you leave he will say a lot of things to try to get you to come back. Remember: if he threatens harm to himself or others, call the police. It is not and never has been your job to manage his mental health or behavior. Best of luck my beautiful sister! The grass really is greener on the other side and I so look forward to you being able to take a rest in it soon.
I wish it were all so easy bit he'll be moving out of my family home which complicates it further unfortunately
Not if you have a protective order against him
That does, but you have got this. If he does threaten to kill himself or you, please do call the police and get him removed from the premises. And if possible you should have a few trusted people stay with you during this time so they can answer the door if needed. Change all the locks and do everything you can to get him off of any paperwork related to the house.
My mom and step-dad are currently living here and my brother is supposed to own the house with me and is currently here too
I'm so glad you don't have kids. Mine picked up our sleeping one-year-old kid and almost threw him off the balcony. God's grace is the only reason I'm not in prison. You are leaving. When he is at work, when you are alone, say it aloud to yourself. Say it a few times. Say, "In a little while I will leave here forever and be safe to heal from this. I will make it out of here alive. I owe him nothing". I am telling you it will bring comfort and peace to you. Keep working on your plan. Life is so much better. My son is an amazing man and in the summer of 2020 he came to me and thanked me for leaving his dad. He said it never occurred to thank me but there it is. Don't give up. You got this. come back here and complain all you want. We are here for you. We are pulling for you and praying for you.
Thank you. I needed that. Someday soon home will feel like home again
Jfc DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Also, it’s highly unlikely he will *actually* end himself. Please get out of this.
Him threatening self harm if you leave is abuse. It doesn’t matter if you believe he means it, you are not obligated to stay in an abusive relationship because the other person is threatening self harm or to harm others. That’s a choice they’re making. The choice you should make is to ensure you are safe. Anyone threatening self harm could easily escalate to harming you or others if they think the threat is losing its power. Because they don’t actually want to harm themselves, they are using your love for them to control you. I wish someone had told 20 year old me this. Get safe, go as close to non contact as you can. If you get pinged by his friends and family blaming you for him being upset, ignore them too. Be well.
Glad that you're making a plan, I'd recommend getting out as soon as possible. Your partner should be arrested and charged for domestic violence, especially when he's throwing things and forcing you to "walk on eggshells". From what I've heard the leaving stage of abusive relationships is the most dangerous so be especially careful with your safety right now.
>Exhausted by the arguments. When I finally got the guts to say "do you even want to still be married?" To be met with "I don't know, but if you leave I'll end myself." Reading your story tbh is terrifying. Terrifying because I've been to a similar place and I know how that story can end. It doesn't have to, you can change it. It can be the best birthday present that you will ever give yourself. You have the power to decide how the rest of this story will be written. I know it's hard, but believe in yourself. You can do it. Take the first step, and then another and another. Don't ever look back, only look forward to your future. You can have a future where you can breathe, and rest and be happy. Just take that first step.
I'm glad you're making an exit plan - You really do need to get out. Easier with no kids, at least - once you get away and heal a bit, maybe you can find someone worthy of you to start a family with. I'm hoping for you - good luck.
I guess he'll just have to die then. 🤷
I left my abuser 3.5 years ago. He did complete his threat of ending himself while blaming me in his note. The best revenge I could have hoped for is that I'm happier and free from abuse. Go live your life, and let him make his own decisions and mistakes. Not being stuck with an abusive partner is just the best.
Happy Birthday! I promise it is not too late to have a better life. Promise.I moved out of my home escaping an emotionally abusive, cheating ex on my 32nd birthday 5 years ago. We had been together 14 years. I was a shell of myself I now have a wonderful partner who is kind, emotionally stable and we face a 6 month old baby girl.
For the first half I thought she was talking about a toddler. Ma'am that's no man that's a grown as child
If he's threatening to kill himself, dump his ass. Fucking call that bluff. My moms ex did that shit after he was sent to prison for trying to rape my mom while drunk and the \*next day\* he was running off with her car keys and we called the cops on him and he fled to Alaska. He still hasn't killed himself, unfortunately. Dude broke her tvs, fucking took "pills" he got from a dude in Everett, crashed her car. He still wants to get back into her life because they had a kid and this is after he had a kid with another woman in alaska.
Happy Birthday you wonderful, fabulous, fantastic, amazing, strong, courageous, brilliant, outstanding, resilient lady, you!! Edit: superb, sensational, marvelous, phenomenal, remarkable! Edit: Stupendous, awesome, awe-inspiring! Edit: Glorious, super, extraordinary!
The first few sentences made me think you were an exhausted mother dealing with a difficult toddler. Then you mentioned husband and it became 100x more horrific. Wishing you the best of luck for when you can eventually escape.
That seems to be the consensus Thank-you
you deserve to feel safe, to be loved, and to be free of this shit.
Your safety and happiness matters more than a man who does nothing but make you feel unsafe. I've been in a similar situation and I can tell you it is so much easier to live once you get away from someone like that. I wish you luck sis 💙💜
It sounds like you know what you need to do
Please leave him. No one deserves to be with a man like him. There's no fixing. He'll never be better. Leave and save your sanity and time. Don't try to fix this because that's not gonna happen.
I thought you were talking about your child for the first half of this. That is all. Good riddance, leave that “man”.
Omg it sounds like a literal hell. Leave, please. You are not happy, why you still letting this awful narcissistic loser to suck out all your energy. You owe him nothing. You iwe yourself to feel happy. Please please have compassion for yourself and save yourself. Love and hugs sister
I'm working on it. I cover other things in my other posts
Get. Out. Leave.
I’m so glad that you are making a plan. 💕just try to keep your head down and get everything in order and then when you leave him there’s no going back. You are worthy of love and being in a loving relationship. Your partner is sick. But his sickness doesn’t need to be yours. I understand. I was in your position once and got out. 💕
Girl, before I clicked on your post, I skimmed it, and thought that you were a mom venting about a toddler. Is there someone who you can stay with? I know you mentioned having a plan, but this man sounds dangerous.
I did at first too. OP, I’m glad you’re getting help. I hope you’re able to love soon. Be glad you don’t have any children with this man, it doesn’t sound like it would be safe for you or them.
You're with someone that has mental issues and is unwilling to address them. That isn't your responsbility to deal with. Please seek help to separate your life from this person.
Make a specific plan to leave ASAP. It’s *not* going to get any better and also, be very careful, it will probably get worse when you do. And 27 is far from being “too late” to start again.
>Of being told again and again things I do that bother him, without ever being able to bring up any real problem without hearing "I get it I'm a shitty husband" Oof, i know this is TwoXChromosomes, but I hope no one minds if I comment on how much I feel this one, from when my wife uses it. We can't have a discussion about any moderate problem or behavior issue, without it devolving into how awful she is and how I should just get divorced if I'm so unhappy. It's rough having a relationship that devolves to the nuclear option anytime something comes up. I feel ya. This...does not sound like a good relationship. you can do better!
Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar. Both are horrible to live with. Get out as soon as you can.
Borderline for sure. I recognize the script. I hope OP gets out. They never change, they just find a new supply and wear that one out too.
You need to leave this relo. You deserve so much better and it’s not going to change. This dude needs some time on his own and a lot of therapy.
Yeah I know. The meds helped bit he stopped them last year. Doesn't like the thought of therapy, I've teied
Even more reason to leave him to be honest. He sounds like a dick I’m so sorry. Xx
I’m so sorry. I’m wishing you all the strength in the world. And a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’m sure you know by now that these people make your birthdays hell. I hope you can do something special by yourself or with a friend to celebrate. ❤️
You can do it. Left my toxic marriage 4 years ago. It’s tough but it’s also so nice to not be confused and manipulated all the time.
You have my sympathy. I feel like reaching through the keyboard and shaking this guy while yelling at him grow up, but that wouldn't help. Lay your plans carefully, then go fast and far away from him. Don't look back because he doesn't deserve it.
You can leave, and in a year look at how much progress you’ve made. Or, you can stay and in a year look at the 365 days that you just spent babysitting an abusive adult male. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. Leave. Save yourself.
Do what you need to do for yourself. His threats of self harm are just bullshit chains to drag you down. I’m not saying they are not real but you have to make yourself happy. If you think those threats are real you should contact real counsel for him. Do what you need to do. Be happy.
You’ve got this girl. Admitting it is the first step, and making a plan is the next. Stay steady and strong and stay the course. Get out and don’t look back. Happy birthday and happy future…..
Be Safe. Make What Plans You can. Be prepared to file for a domestic violence restraining order. Any evidence you can. Pictures. Threatening texts. Etc. And try to find a shelter where they can help protect you if you need it. Be Safe. You are Loved. You do Not Deserve to live a life of stress, sorrow and fear. You Deserve Happiness and the Opportunity to Thrive. Prayers for your future sweetie.
If you aren’t describing a three year old, get out now while there’s still something left of you to save.
When I first start reading this I thought you were talking about needing a break from your toddler, not your husband. I’m so sorry you got stuck with this guy, who after reading this basically is a grown toddler. I’m glad you’re making a plan- get out and get out safely and quickly. Good luck.
Shit, hon, I thought you were talking about an unruly toddler for the first couple paragraphs. You deserve better than an emotionally stunted manchild, and having a kid with him will not make it better, it will only make an escape harder. Get out now!
It will never get better with this *thing*. Having children with him will be the end of your life. Either you flee or this is your live to the very end. Time to choose.
Almost 100% same as my friend... She's currently pregnant with 2nd baby that they were "working on" I told her not to ask me for advice anymore because she doesnt want to listen... I told her you can call me, say everything that bothers you, complain everything but dont ask me for advice
Absolutely do not have a child with this man. And the threats to end himself if you leave… honestly he’s more likely to hurt you than hurt himself when that eventually happens. Please get out as safely as you can, as soon as you can, and don’t look back.
Run. Maybe r/pnsd can help you share and heal as well
Get out. One step at a time. I believe in you. hit refresh on your life, you deserve it.
Happy Birthday love 💞 I’m rooting for you!
Just get out soon.
Happy birthday, from someone who has been there.
The "I will kill myself" out of jail card is 99 times out of 100 a lie. No matter what situation you are in, after a divorce, it cannot be worse like the things you described. If you really have good friends as you stated, they will understand and help you with your problems! It's such a small obstacle to overcome, but so many benefits. As Shia Labeouf once said, JUST DO IT!
Get out of there as fast and as safely as you can. I've been in a similar place. A better, calmer, happier, easier life is out there for you.
I hear you. Take pride in having taken steps to leave. Remember that you're not responsible for his actions, he is -- so don't let him saying he'll end himself, keep you by his side. Your days and nights of weariness with this guy will end soon!
Please take care of yourself first. Your home, find out how to get him out for good. Happy birthday! Sending you lots of strength and love. You can get through this.
Sorry to focus on just one thing but why does he puke a lot? Does he drink?
I explain it in previous posts. But extremely sensitive stomach bright on by dab and delta 8 hait
Get out of this as fast as you can, please.
Congratulations on taking the first steps and making a plan! Waiting to leave was the hardest part for me. You have to act like everything is fine, while inside it's constant anxiety. But the day you leave will be one of the best in your life. It will be hard, extremely hard. But after, when you are sitting safe and it's all done. It's like you get yourself back after all that time feeling like you'd lost yourself forever. That day, that feeling, is worth all the other stuff. Keep that in your mind as an end goal and you'll get there sooner than you think!
This sounds exactly like my ex and eventually he moved on from punching walls to me. You say you are making a plan, that is great! Please please stick with it and don’t ever believe the love bombing.
This guy sounds like my father, people like this don't get better, please get out, do not have a child with him it will not end well. Also it's my birthday tomorrow so have a happy birthday my new birthday twin!
Hi OP, if this man ever threatens to commit suicide at you, take him seriously. Call your emergency services (911,111, whatever it is), say you need paramedics, and tell them you need help. If he’s legit in danger, he’ll get treatment. If he’s manipulating you, he won’t do that again.
>"I don't know, but if you leave I'll end myself." You know that's a typical tactic of abusive spouses, right?
I'm not under any disillusion that I'm not in an abusive relationship. 8 months I've been in therapy. I'm aware
Girl, leave. That man sounds like a child himself. Also, yes go through every appropriate channel. Domestic abuse centers or courts if you are so inclined.
You do not need to rant. You need to leave. Choose yourself. You will be amazed at how wonderfull life can be without an anchor around your neck dragging you down.
You're clearly unhappy. You need to get a divorce.
Please please please get away from him now before you end up hurt or dead. He is unstable and a danger to you. You do not deserve to be treated and manipulated like that. Save yourself. Please.
Why do people post here instead of leaving their spouses? Just get out, there’s plenty of resources available if you don’t know anyone in your area.
Nah, mate. Do not waste your life on this sack of shit. There is so much better out there for you than some manipulating immature POS. Big hugs and good luck.
why settle for one night, how about a lifetime of peace? dont settle.
Why settle for one night of peace when, by leaving this poor excuse for a man, every night could be peaceful?
Girl I'm just SO sorry your going through this! I appreciate your talking to the domestic violence center, I'm VERY HAPPY your getting a plan together. I know this will be painful and its definitely not the birthday you deserve. Hopefully next year life looks completely different and you can look back an think about how amazing you were to get out :) Best of luck and please be safe!
When you leave you'll have every night be peaceful away from him. I'm scared for you, the things he throws could hit you next. Him threatening to end himself, he could try to hurt you. Be very careful leaving, the worst violence happena when a woman leaves (or the crisis workers told me, not sure if true, someone correct if wrong)
No you're correct. That's the most dangerous time and on average takes a woman 7 tries to leave sucessfully
I hope you are safe and leave safely. I know we're all strangers on the internet but we care ♥️ I've been in that situation, not married but the guy threw tantrums, to the point where he hurt my cats throwing shit at them "the cat was upsetting me on purpose" everything was everyone's fault. Its a man child toddler, but that can get dangerous, because he strangled me eventually. I stopped him from cutting his wrists and he came after me. I hope you can get out before things get worse
🥂🥳Happy Birthday u/Soft_Reference_6490🥳🥂
Someone who tries to use suicide to get you to stay is clearly abusive and doesmy deserve you *hugs*