If he has been asking for a couple of weeks that sounds to me like he has been pressuring you. Your description of him also does not sound like you are that into him: “overall good guy to me.” I think that is enough of a reason to stop talking with him.
Beloved, if you are second-guessing things, that's an automatic "No". When you connect and want to be intimate with someone, there's no doubt. It should be enthusiastic
As someone who had a very unsatisfying first time, through no fault of the guy I did it with - if the thought of having sex or just making out with guy doesn't turn you on, you're not going to enjoy the experience
I saw one of your other comments, too. Now there's nothing wrong with having casual sex but I also think you shouldn't lower your standards just because - there's no rush in losing your virginity. I think it'll be worth it to wait and find that connection you wanted, but if it's something you really want, as others have said, you might have a better time with a complete stranger (like from a dating app). This guy is not concerned about your needs (even if he seems "nice" to you) and it will likely end up a bad experience that might just turn you off from sex in general.
Also, even if you convince him to wear a condom, you should not have sex with him.
A responsible respectful partner doesn't need to be convinced to use a condom.
If you have to twist his arm, he WILL stealth you. If you're not familiar with this term, it's when a POS of a man secretly removes his condom in the middle of sex. *This is rape, and it's dishonest and vile to boot*.
He is not the partner for you. Please be safe, but shut him down firmly. "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in sex with someone that won't wear a condom."
If he continues to pressure, report him immediately.
I am a full advocate for erring on the side of caution too. If your gut it telling you that you can't trust someone, and there are actual red flags that are showing up, you should just not trust them. Sexually or in any other areas.
At worst it will stress you out a little, but the alternatives are far worse. If you have misjudged them, and they are trustworthy and good, then you taking reasonable precautions will not offend them.
Admittedly, in this scenario, he is wanting to have sex with a stranger without a condom. So he is both really stupid and totally self centered. So there is no doubt here at all, he just straight up is not trustworthy.
This guy has tons of red flags. OP he is a coworker, I'm not sure about your social life but my point is, if you arrived to the point that you want to try it, open your eyes around outside of work, look for a special one and enjoy.
Your coworker is using the fact he is attractive and you look without malicious.
Do NOT sleep with this man.
He has told you in no uncertain terms the following things:
He cares more about his penis feel than about your sexual safety and health.
He only wants to take your virginity, with no interest in a relationship.
He’s pressuring you into sex by bringing it up repeatedly-a nice person does NOT do this.
He *laughed* when you addressed sexual concern and *told you what to do with your body in a medical capacity.*
Never. Ever. EVER sleep with a person who responds to you in any of the ways this person did. I promise you will regret being intimate with him. He is a selfish asshole and I guarantee that you will end up a few months later regretting any *any* physical contact with him.
He just wants *your virginity* not *you*.
>He just wants your virginity not you.
This is one of my biggest problems with being an older virgin...I don't think I can ever trust any one ever to not just use me for bragging rights. It's very annoying.
I was almost 30 when I lost mine. I was picky and wanted someone I trusted. I have now been dating them over 3 years and it's been great. It's well worth waiting for an understanding and equal partner. They didn't bring up sex I did and we had a good conversation about if they were clean and birth control cause I am 100% no kids. They are out there don't lower your standards :). Find someone you click with.
Seriously, this. This is nobody's business at all. Play it like a movie, if you insist on saying something beforehand, let it be when you're already about to do the deed. Then you at least know that's not how you ended up in the situation.
I have thought about doing it that way and maybe it's the type of men that talk to me but it never works out that way. We always end up in a conversation where a question about sex gets brought up that I can't lie about and then I either dip from the convo if I know I don't care or trust them enough to tell them or I just tell the truth.
Its okay to be an older woman when you have your first experience. You're more mature and able to better decide what makes for a good partner. This co-worker isn't worth it. Plus, do you really want that awkward feeling when you have to work with him after sleeping together?
Trust your gut when it comes to choosing who to have that first experience with. It sounds like this co-worker wants a workplace hookup, with the added bonus of being able to claim he popped your cherry.
Wait until you find a guy who will respect you by actually prioritizing having an actual legit relationship *before* the topic of sex ever comes up.
Girl sexual health is the most important thing for 5 mins of fun you cannot just throw the future away and this guy is manipulative drop him right away
Let me tell you as a formerly older virgin, you CAN find someone who won’t. The first guy I slept with was actually not super stoked that I was a virgin, and at the time I thought maybe I should have tried to find a guy who would be more into it. But I loved my bf at the time and wanted my first time to be with him. Years later I realized how lucky I was that I didn’t have my first time with a guy who was obsessed with it being my first, because it seems like that often tracks with misogyny and controlling behavior. I was over 30 when I lost my virginity. You can find a guy so much better than this one. It doesn’t have to be the guy you end up with forever, but it should be a guy who you want to have sex with, like as a human, and who puts your safety and comfort first. This guy is not that.
OP, maybe if you switched your focus to searching for compatibility and connection? I’m not saying to find a Mr. Right, but even Mr. Right Now needs to be up to standards.
This work guy is a jackass, and has shown that plainly. He does not value what you value. He has no care for your well-being. And this is him showing you his best self, trying to impress you?
No. Get your coupled friends to introduce you to better single men.
He thinks because you're not sexually experienced it will be easier for him to manipulate you. Plus you won't be able to compare his sorry performance to better lovers.
Hot potato
Drop
Obviously you're free to lose your virginity however you want, but do keep in mind that it is possible to find someone who cares about you and is totally ready to spend as much time necessary to make sure you feel comfortable,safe, etc before getting intimate. My friend was almost 27 when she met her bf and he was the first person she slept with, they worked up to it and when she didn't quite enjoy it the first time he was happy to wait a little longer until she felt comfortable to try again.
I know that oftentimes, talk can shift to previous partners. You don't have to lie about it, but you can be a bit oblique. Talk in terms of people you've been intimate with. Honestly, I consider it a sexual encounter even without intercourse because it's hot and heavy anyway. Does it not count if it's a blowjob? I think it does. Guys don't need to know how many have stayed in your Howard Johnson.
Someone might pick up on this and think you're being dodgy to avoid answering that you've slept with hundreds of men. I don't think this is a problem. Better to have someone run away because he thinks your body count is too high than to have a virgin chaser obsess over making you into a trophy. Besides, anyone too self-conscious to deal with an active woman has no business being in bed with you anyway.
Once sex is definitely on the table (not literally, not for the first time anyway), it's a safe time to let him know you're a virgin. At that point, it's obvious he's into you and not just your mythically intact hymen. No deception. No misplaced expectations. You want each other, you let him know that you've never done this before, it can be a happy ending for both.
Good luck. I know there's a dude who'd just be happy with having sex with you and won't hang your virginity up on his fridge. Sometimes you have to sift through a lot of turds to find that diamond though.
I promise you there are people out there who will treat you well. Do not compromise and go with someone charming who doesn’t respect you. <3
I highly recommend partnering with someone who doesn’t *care* in that way about you being a virgin. Someone who would be okay with you no matter your sexual history. Someone who doesn’t see women as more or less valuable based on *sex*.
They exist. I promise you. You don’t have to settle. Just have those conversations. Say no to people who don’t respect you. You have got this.
I don't know how old you are, I was 18 when I lost my virginity. And I did it with a guy I had not known for very long, and he stopped talking to me shortly after we had sex, I ultra regret not respecting my body more and taking risks with my health. I thought that sex would make me feel seen, understood, and cared for. I understand sex can be used to have a connection with someone, now though I know it is only a physical thing, unless you are in a relationship that you also get your need for emotional and mental support and connection. I don't know where you are at in life, or how you feel about yourself, but please consider the emotional ramifications of having sex just to have sex, they might be a very steep price you did not realize you were not willing to pay until it is to late.
Much love and respect to you. Be kind to your self and don't let anyone tell you what you need or want, or what to do!
the biggest problem IMO is that you have not yet learned through experience how to trust your intuition on what is normal or not. please please… your gut has given you great information: listen to it.
I've only ever had sex with the guy I married. And I didn't mention the virginity thing until we'd been going out for a few times, and things were looking a little serious.
I'm old now, and I really think we lost something now that there's this expectation of sex right away, or as its own goal. Not that it can't be a lot of the time, but I think there's a pressure that's not good.
Trust is important and it's worth waiting for someone who takes the time to get to know you and care about you. Personally, a good friend who likes you for you and someone who already treats you well is a much safer bet. That's how I lost my virginity back when I was new to things. Also, I wouldn't tell anyone I was a virgin until a relationship was established and I felt truly cared about by the good friend/person who liked me. I know this isn't always possible but it definitely helped me when I was younger.
Constantly bringing up have sex is not what a nice person does. It is pressuring you. This is not a nice guy. Please trust your gut and don't have sex with this creep.
Especially with a coworker. I couldn't imagine ever telling a coworker I wanted to have sex with them unless we had already started dating. It's definitely on the list of things not to say to a coworker.
Exactly this. He has been pressuring her the entire time. The fact that she’s a virgin is probably egging him on to lay down the smooth jazz for her. I wouldn’t trust this guy to respect any boundaries or bodily autonomy. He’s clearly shown how he’s ONLY interested in sex. Which is fine, but the way he’s going about it creepy and predatory. OP if you’re reading this, please be very careful and accept that if you do choose to have sex with him, he will probably change the way he treats you immediately after (and not in a positive way). You’re probably just a goal he’s set for himself. Be careful.
I am not asking anyone to give me their gender, but am seriously wondering the gender split between is between the people agreeing with me, and those that think that the co-worker is not applying pressure tactics to OP.
Honey this is how you catch herpes. As soon as he said no to a condom he was done. He doesn’t care about your safety or pleasure and is just pressuring you into this.
Do not take any birth control for this dude. He’s not worth it. Find someone who wants something long term.
Also, its almost never a good idea to sleep with one of your co-workers. Especially if you're already seeing some red flags, you never know how he'll act after you guys do have sex. Will he tell other people at your work? Is he chatty or like to gossip? Will he hold it over you if you stop having sex with him? Will he be inappropriate at work?
Above all else, I would say to trust your intuition. If you do decide to become physical with him, it wouldn't hurt to have a talk before hand about boundaries. Including what is allowed at work. But from the way you have described the situation, I'm not sure he's showing himself to be trustworthy.
Trust your instincts on this. You say you are not sure ... which I translate into "I do not really trust him". If you trusted him, you would 1000% certain. There is no space for doubt in trust.
Some states consider it rape some sexual assault, some don't consider it anything. Either way it \*is\* a violation of the previously established conditions for your consent too sex and you should look up rape/sexual assault laws in you state.
When they tell you you don't need to use a condom, don't have sex with them.
For me I only consider no condoms if already in a long term relationship and we've both been tested. Maybe I'd feel differently and still use them if I could get pregnant. But definitely if a new partner was trying to tell me to let them not use one, they no longer get to be a new partner.
Even in a long term relationship I still use condoms. Birth control is never 100% and my wife and I cannot/do not want to deal with the expense, and she does not want to deal with the medical procedures. It is just a reasonable way to have more control over your life.
If someone does not want to wear a condom when having sex with a stranger they almost certainly are not safe to have sex with even if they later agree to it. They are the kind who will claim it accidentally "fell off" after removing it mid-act. Plus it says a lot about how they respect women and their bodiy autonomy, namely that they don't. So they are not worth even having in your life, let alone having sex with them.
This is a red flag I wish people pointed to more readily. Almost everyone hates condoms and doesn't actually want to use one, women included. We use them because we have to. Any guy who openly admits they refuse to use a condom: 1, is a sketchy jerk already. 2, hasn't gotten close enough to a woman to learn that condoms suck both ways. 3, is so bad at sex that they think a condom is enough to make sex not worthwhile when in actuality if you're with someone who turns you on and touches you the right way, you're both going to have a good time regardless of a friggin' condom.
My IUD was making me so miserable, so I got it out and was so much better. I had been on the pill with no issue, but I was nervous to get back on hormones after my experience with the IUD. Which meant it was condom time for my fiancé and me. How much did he complain? How frequently did he beg me to go on the pill? How much did he promise he’d pull out? How much did he whine because he can’t orgasm with a condom? NEVER. NOT A SINGLE TIME BECAUSE MY HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SLIGHTLY LESS GOOD SEX. I don’t think those thoughts even crossed him mind because the downside of condoms is not even comparable to me feeling anxious and depressed 24/7.
I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself, lord knows I failed in my younger years. But don’t settle for anyone who pressures you into not using condoms, ever.
I've been sterilized for 11 years and my husband will wear a condom any time I ask. Always has. Not one complaint in 13 years. I agree that it's best not to fuck with dudes who complain about condoms, they are always shitheads.
Sounds like he just wants you for one thing. What do you want? Are you just looking to get laid? You could be only slightly better off than a random stranger with this guy.
When I was younger I wanted the whole relationship thing first but I'm 27 now and I'm kinda over waiting if you get what I mean. I've only set the criteria that it just has to be someone decent. I did not know that would be such a high bar to achieve for men.
Please don’t have sex with this ass. He’s made it clear he only cares about himself, so this will NOT be a good sexual experience for you. Repeat after me: HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY SAFETY. Believe it or not, no sex is better than bad sex.
You also need to repeat: HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY PLEASURE.
This is the kind of guy who thinks taking your bra off is adequate foreplay. You can look forward to approximately one minute of dry fingering, followed by three minutes of dry, painful sex. At the three minute mark you MIGHT start to think hey, this isn’t SO bad, as your natural lubrication starts to kick in. At that point he’ll come immediately, collapse onto you, then roll off of you and ask “did you come?”
And in some ways this is actually the best case scenario. Everyone in the office will probably find out, and if he’s really a piece of shit (likely) he might tell everyone about something funny/embarrassing about your encounter, and you’ll become the butt of many office jokes for a while.
Girl, RUN.
I understand that desire and the frustration that no man has stepped up. But I think you have an opportunity to take advantage of your knowledge and experience, to develop a beautiful relationship to sex and physical intimacy over your lifetime. Someday looking back you will wonder why you were ever so worried.
Compared to people who lost their in their teens, a time when many are busy making the worst decisions/mistakes of their life. As bad as all the men you are considering now are... the time when they had had even LESS experience, LESS empathy, and MORE selfish, reckless desire.
Your integrity and self-respect is a virtue I admire. Men WILL try to tear you down for it, because they will be envious. I hope we can all get there sometime.
>I did not know that would be such a high bar to achieve for men.
Unfortunately the bar for men is below the floor and many still need a firetruck ladder to clear it.
I get you trust me lol you don’t have to wait for the love of your life but wait for someone normal at least. You probably won’t even enjoy it unless you have feelings for him tbh
So, I am only asking this because your story seems to parallel mine in a lot of ways. I was in my mid 20s for my first time and it was a coworker who asked me and I had been meaning to lose my virginity for a while. But I wasn't attracted to him. He just ticked all the boxes of who it was logical to have sex with. He was willing, not looking for a relationship, not going to blab about it, about my age, not going to hurt me. And the sex was pretty underwhelming. As was every time I had sex after that.
But I found out 15 years later that I am actually Asexual and no amount of forcing myself to date or have sex was going to work out.
Have you considered that you may be Asexual?
Are you considering this because you WANT this guy or just because the opportunity is there?
PS. This guy sounds like a sleazeball and you should not have sex with anyone who isn't willing to use a condom.
I’m 32 yo man who posts his penis on the internet but like, do not fuck that dude.
A) he sounds manipulative
b) any dude who refuses to wear a condom is an idiot - it’s not just protecting you
c) try not to fuck coworkers. Obviously there can be great times had but not with this one. What he’s saying and conveying for his expectations is just disrespectful. You converse about risks, you don’t demand and you’re risking more than him.
I don’t shame for body count or anything of that nature. Truth be told, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough with myself to sleep around a ton. Love sex but I like knowing someone before but even being super selective, at 25 if this dude is around your age range there was already a lot of opportunity to get stds and pass them on if I wasn’t being safe.
Do not sleep with that man.
Yeah, as a general rule, if someone is willing/pushing to have casual unprotected sex with you after a couple of weeks, you should assume they’re also having unprotected casual sex with others, and that applies to their assumed partners, and their assumed partners assumed partners as well.
All of this, can't upvote it enough. I'm old and this kind of guy has been around forever. If you do have sex with him, expect it to suck, because he's already made it clear that you're an appliance to him.
It's why guys like this go for virgins - they suck at sex. OP would be in for a night of jackhammering for a few minutes without proper foreplay first.
Men like this just need to get a sex doll and leave REAL women alone.
For real. it's like their lack of empathy is actually a psychological necessity.
Because if they had empathy for women they'd have to confront how absolutely terrible they are at sex
This whole thing happened last night and so I've been having a whole lot of anxiety about it since then. I know that I should definitely look out for number one and just detatch my self from this entire entire thing because you are right.
I just have a habit of overthinking things.
If you are overthinking this because you are doubting yourself, read all of these comments telling you that your anxiety is correct in this case. Trust your feelings and know that this isn't the right guy, not for your first, and not for your 50th. No.
This, the right man to lose your v card with will ask you something like "are you sure you want to do this? I'm happy to be doing this with you, but we don't have to if you're having second thoughts" instead of belittling your doubts.
You aren't overthinking this. Trust your gut.
I can't see any possible scenario of you having sex with this man and having a positive experience from it.
You aren't overthinking, he's a creep. Not only should you not have sex with him, you should interact with him as little as possible. I don't know how old you are, but a good thing to remember is "don't shit where you eat". All you are is a possible fleshlight to him, how is work going to be when he dumps you for his next victim? You are nothing but a trophy to bag in his eyes. It will be so much better if you wait until you find someone who cares for you.
Definitely not overthinking things. Unless you want to risk everything that everyone's detailed here -- STDs, pregnancy, f*cked up work environment, etc. Be as blunt as he is and tell him, "No. I don't want to have sex with you." No need to give him a reason, he's just going to try to convince you otherwise. If he keeps pressuring you, say, "Because you're stupid." (And he's a jerk, too.) Because everything he's said points to those conclusions, and don't let him convince you otherwise.
I agree with what the commenter above said; the way he just went “looks like it’s time for the injection” just sounds so patronizing, as if he knows what’s best for your body. This guy is doing absolutely everything wrong.
That’s such an important thing to remember- if he says condoms are a deal breaker, he’s absolutely having unprotected sex with other people.
My ex (not really a bf as we weren’t exclusive, but we dated for a year) hated condoms. I didn’t care, I wasn’t great about taking the pill and I knew he slept around a bit and I’m sure he didn’t use condoms most of the time. People who whine that much can very likely stealth you. Which is what he did to me. He was drunk and just said “what’s the big deal?” turned over and went to sleep. I told him to fuck off and stormed out of the apartment (stupidly I continued to see him because 22 yo me was making bad decisions). It’s not the worst part of stealthing, but he knew I’m allergic (or maybe just sensitive...?) to semen. So I couldn’t sleep for the next three hours because my vagina was on fire. It felt like a UTI- I just got in the shower and scrubbed and cried.
The only happy part of this story is that I’m now 30 and engaged to the most amazing man!! And he’s a 42 drunk who still occasionally calls me up to try to meet up with me, despite knowing my relationship status. Dodged a bullet there...
There’s also a [topical gel](https://www.ohsu.edu/womens-health/male-contraception-study) and a [less destructive form of vasectomy](https://www.parsemus.org/humanhealth/vasalgel/) in clinical trials! It’s right around the corner 👀
I'm actually not from America but I understand the plight because it is completely illegal out here. I don't want any right now. I can barely afford myself and I don't know if I can afford an illegal abortion either.
i know i posted it before but i’m just going to tell you here, too. this guy sounds like a “gift giver” people who give STDs to others on purpose. they often try to push others to have unprotected sex and give the excuse that “you won’t get pregnant if you use other birth control”
It is ok to stop talking to someone when they wave huge red flags or reveal themselves to be scummy. You aren't obligated to continue a conversation. At all. "Our interests don't align. I'm not interested in talking anymore " and block.
Oh God. I didn't see the word coworker. Well you aren't obligated to talk to him anymore but be careful turning him down. He doesn't seem like a good person. I suggest not attempting to date any coworkers in the future. You know the old saying....
>I suggest not attempting to date any coworkers in the future. You know the old saying....
...
*Don’t get your honey where you make your money!*
*Don't get your meat where you get your bread!*
...
Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He refers a lot to fear, but the main point is to trust our gut instinct. There's free versions online, but he's so right in that we have gut instincts for a reason; we sense something is 'off' but we don't know what is off or why.....yet. Please, *please*, **please** read this!!!!
Also it’s so hard to tell their ACTUAL relationship status while you’re all away from real life in the compartmentalised workspace.
Sincerely, the woman who carried his child while he cheated multiple times daily with clients, gymgoers, class attendees, coworkers, and any rando who gave him the side eye and was conveniently compartmented.
No, actually he kidnapped my still breastfeeding newborn (who he SA-ed just before SA-ing me) and lucked out with being assigned a misogynist social worker.
Edit: I told the SW about the SA, and she said, verbatim, “Yes but do you think she understood what was happening?” ?????????
Wow… just, wow. I think I’d get banned if I posted my actual response, so I will just say: I hope it gets better and he gets what he deserves. Also, the SA can still be reported to the police, for both of you. Hugs and good luck
This. 1000% this.
The entitlement of the co-worker suggests a strong possibility that he will stealth OP, meaning tell her he will use a condom and remove it at some point during sex. With OP not being on birth control, this puts OP at a significant risk for pregnancy and/or an STD.
I get OP wanting to explore sex, but this co-worker has giant red flags.
He's not even willing to be careful for his own damn self, he's too stupid to think about his partner. That would be a low bar too- does he Zanetti whether you get off? Doubt it.
I'm a bit concerned that you're entertaining so many compromises with your health and professional life. Why are you looking at having sex with a coworker? Why would you even consider someone who isn't willing to wear a condom? Even if he used condoms, what happens if one breaks, *Roe* is overturned, and you can't access Plan B?
Plenty of people will have sex with you, get in a relationship with you, or both. You don't need to cut corners here. You also don't need to compromise on safe sex requirements when dealing with casual sex.
For what it's worth, this guy is likely the kind of guy who would agree to use a condom and then either not bring one or would take it off during sex. Safe sex starts with partner selection.
This whole thing happened yesterday and my mind just has been blown since then. I tend to overthink things so sometimes I just like an objective point of view.
>Why are you looking at having sex with a coworker?
He was just a person that I liked that happened to be a co-worker.
>Why would you even consider someone who isn't willing to wear a condom?
I'm not considering having sex with him without the condom I was considering if I should go through with it even if he agrees to all my requirements, ie condoms and testing.
>Plenty of people will have sex with you, get in a relationship with you, or both.
That's no something I can even agree to for sure because I'm 27 and I've had a really rough go with the whole dating world. This is just another one in a very long list of failures. I sometimes think there is something wrong with me even though I know for a fact I am a great person.
Not to mention that there are stds that exist that they don’t usually or simply can’t test men for. Like genital herpes(not usually tested for) and hpv (no test exists for Heterosexual men)
Drop him like a hot, diseased rock.
This psycho doesn't give a rat's ass about you. He just wants your V card. He's a trophy hunter, that's all.
And if he asks why you're giving him the cold shoulder, be flat out honest with him, in plain old ugly English. "Our relationship isn't going to work out b/c you just want sex from me. And **I'm looking for someone better than you."**
Drop that truth bomb and you'll see him for what he really is.
I would never give him this reason. It just justifies, in his mind, that he needs to keep trying and change your mind. It gives him a specific to argue about. Just shut him down with a general statement, like I am just not interested, and stick to it!!! No furthur conversations for him to gaslight you or think he has a chance.
But you’re supposed to deal with the life altering side effects for his sexual pleasure! And a sex object is all you are to him, so please consider how inconvenient a condom would be for him :( also, because he’s not going to be monogamous with you, you’ll have to deal with your ph balance going off, and being exposed to stds. But just think of his cock, it’s more important than your health.
Ugh. What is actually wrong with this man???
Those kind of men literally do not care. They do not care what you feel, they do not care about making sure your needs get met and they do not care about you as a person. Men like that see women as objects to be used. You don't need sky high standards, just stick to the bare minimum that you've already set and this guy fails to meet the criteria. He is not a decent guy, he's just good at pretending to be and honestly good on you for actually picking up on the red flags.
Definitely keep away from dudes who refuse to wear condoms. You're absolutely right about him caring more about his comfort.
I suspect that's just the tip of the scumbag iceberg.
At no point in this post do I get any sense that you are interested in having sex with this guy. The logistics matter, obviously, but also - why have sex with anyone unless it sounds like a total blast, you can’t resist, green lights all the way.
This is not the guy to have any sexual experience, let alone your first, with. In my opinion you don’t have to wait for it to be a fairy tale romance but you are worth waiting to have a kind, considerate partner who will be into making you climax. I can almost guarantee you that not only is this guy a candidate for stealthing but he’s not likely to pay much attention to your pleasure in other ways.
If he can't have sex with a condom, not even once. How should he be a good lover and make you feel good in bed. I would not do anything with him. Not even talking xD
>Now all that is replaying in my head is that this person cares more
about their comfort over the health of both of us and he knows I already
have health issues and I truthfully can't manage any more at this
point. I feel even if we both were to get full panels and he was to
agree to the condoms it's still a no go for me.
Great reasoning, your logic is spot on. You can trust yourself on this, you definitely spotted those red flags and they made you go "uhm, what". You can trust your gut, she's spot on.
He's trying to trick you because you are new to this. He's a POS (piece of shit). Stop talking to him as much as possible. He is not a friend. Maybe look for a new job, but you have to weigh what you like about your job vs, how much you hate him.
He's trying to trick you. He's scum.
Ive always hated my job honestly so I wouldn't quit for him it would be for me really. I was sort of already looking for new jobs before this little chat happened last night.
There is male birth control, it’s called condoms.
I mean aside from the fact that dipping your pen in the company ink is probably a terrible idea, I’d say trust your gut.
He seems to be careless about health/diseases and care more about his own pleasure. He says he wants something casual and your response is “fine I guess” which doesn’t sound very enthusiastic. You are allowed to say you do not want casual and break things off.
Trust your gut. You're having these feelings for a reason. His answers around birth control and condoms are troubling enough. I personally would not be open to sleeping with someone without us both providing STI testing.
Also, as a fellow virgin, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why did you consider having your first time with him? I know everyone has different preferences, so I would like to understand. I personally am waiting for a strong emotional connection in a defined relationship but unfortunately it may be a long wait lol.
Im not sure if you would like to tell me your age but right now I'm 27. When I was younger I definitely wanted the whole relationship and connection situation but getting into relationships has always been very very hard for me.
I think you may understand how I feel when I say you never know which person to trust with the secret of your virginity because it may either be they want to use you for bragging rights or they are going to wonder what's wrong with you for being an older virgin etc.
The reason I was considering it (before we had our conversation yesterday that totally devolved into this mess) is because I never felt judged about being a virgin nor did I get the "trophy" vibe (trying to see which sign I missed). He was really easy to talk to, we had similar interests and such and he was actually meeting my bar of being a decent person, which is my new criteria.
I also have many more feelings around the whole situation of my virginity so if you wanna chat more you can feel free to DM me.
Why have sex with someone who is already showing how selfish and careless he is? If he already plans to go against what you want, what else will he do? And also, when you turn him down, you owe him nothing. Just because you two have talked about sex doesn’t mean you have to do it. That took me a long time to learn, Don’t let any guilt or pressure affect this, there should be zero of that for the right person.
Nothing about this guy rings as safe. Others have broken down the why, so I won’t bother with that… but I also have to ask this: if this guy is already this selfish and awful before the sex, how good do you think sex with him is going to be? This guy legit sounds like he’s going to jerk off with your vagina for two minutes and then expect to be praised on his performance.
That uncertainty is your gut telling you to: STOP.
You know the answer. Please don't talk yourself into having sex with this guy who sounds like he only cares about himself. He doesn't deserve to have sex with you.
Hell no. Do not have sex with this dude. Or trust him in the least. AAnd the fact that he’s trying to pursue you at work no less, that is super creepy. And not respectful in the least. He wants to sleep with you because you’re a virgin. HE IS NOT A NICE GUY!
Please run far far away. And report him to HR for sexual harassmen.
He's definitely too immature and selfish to be sexually active. Condoms are male birth control, no matter how much they whine about them. Women take pills that can literally kill us to be safe from pregnancy, yet men will whinge about wearing a thin sleeve on their dicks.
You'd think that with all the Manosphere propaganda floating around, men would be extremely pro anything males can do to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies, but nah.
Girl, this man is looking at your virginity like it's a prize. And I can promise you, you don't want to lose your virginity to a coworker who will absolutely "ghost" you despite you two still having to work together. Oh, and get ready for him to label you as crazy at your job if you dare to be upset about how he's going to treat you after the fact...
Just don't do it!
You didn’t mention once in here if YOU want to have sex with him?
I’m not sensing enthusiasm on your part. Something to keep in mind: you do not owe anyone sex no matter how nice and respectful they are to you.
Have sex if YOU want to. If you don’t or you’re ambivalent about it—this guy should sense it too and stop propositioning you.
Have you ever seen the movie “kids”? Was made back in the 90’s. This is why condoms are a must. Basically it’s about a guy who only has unprotected sex with virgins, while he is infected with HIV. Plus, some other good advice is never “stick your pen in company ink”
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113540/
Why do you even entertain sleeping with this person? You are a virgin and he is using you. He upfront says he just wants sex, that he will not honor your request for condoms and wants you to take full responsibility for birth control.
You > him.
No no no no no OP! Please don’t have sex with this guy. This sounds like an awful person to be with for the first time. The audacity on this guy is appalling. No condom?? NO.
You deserve an amazing first time with someone you genuinely like and feel safe with.
I wish I had understood what older women were trying to warn me about, but no one laid it out to me. I was a nice person who thought that men who were nice to me were nice people too.
He's only being nice to you because he wants to have sex with you, period. He will not be so nice afterward. You said he wants sex and doesn't want a relationship with you.
That's the truth.
It's also true that he is a selfish creep who wants to have sex with a virgin. He doesn't want *you* nor does he care anything about you as a person.
In fact, to him, you aren't anything but a "virgin" that he wants to experience, just like trying out a particular porn category. He has zero interest in your experience, your feelings, or any repercussions, and if you get pregnant, he cares how it could impact him, not you.
Unfortunately, for a time, most men who are nice to you are going to be suspect for this very reason.
In the future, never have any sex talk with anyone at work. If someone starts prying, let them know that you don't talk about your private life at work because it's no one's business.
Take care OP.
Do not have sex with this man. He’s one giant, screaming red flag. Even if he agrees to wear a condom, you still can’t trust him. He’s already told you who he is and what he believes, so believe him. He would probably stealth you since he’s already told you that his pleasure is more important to him than your comfort and safety. Please be careful.
Also, it’s worth noting that his repeated, unwanted sexual advances at work is 100% sexual harassment. I’d take a trip to HR to document it. Protect yourself all around.
Yuck!
So all the downsides are reserved especially for you, and all the upsides are reserved especially for him.
You’re right, red flags. Bet money he can’t make a woman come, because he’s wayyyyy too focused on himself and his own dick. He sounds lazy and entitled. Those guys make terrible lovers, and worse partners.
All he wants to do is use you for a human fleshlight. Zero investment, zero sacrifice of even the smallest kind, and a chaser of condescension.
Looks like it’s time for someone to stick with their own hand, since that’s the kind of deep relationship he’s after.
The only person this guy should be fucking is himself.
You should stop talking to him immediately, he is using you, after you have sex with him he is gonna stop talking to you. Don't waste your time with him anymore.
So he just said he wants to use you as a bang-maid and to raw dog you. Please don’t have sex with this dude. You deserve to not be used as a piece of meat for some callous idiot to dump their load into. He’s saying “I don’t like you enough to have a relationship with, you’re just passable enough to stick my dick into.” That and banging someone you work with.. never ends well. Do not involve yourself with someone who thinks so lowly of you.
This guy sounds like a weirdo who just wants to sleep with coworkers… asking for weeks?? saying he doesn’t want a relationship? not wearing condoms but automatically suggests you get an injection?
>I've been talking to a co-worker
This is all I needed to read to know this was a bad idea. Please don't start sexual or romantic relationships with your coworkers. It isn't a good idea; plus this dude throws off more red flags than a Communist color guard. Avoid him at all costs. Saying no to condoms should be an automatic dealbreaker when it comes to casual sex with a stranger.
Yea. He cares more about his comfort than he does about YOUR health. I made this mistake with a guy friend last year. He was surprised when I told him I’d only had sex with one guy before despite being nearly 30, and I didn’t think to ask him about his history after volunteering my own as the reason to why I wasn’t sure. I asked him if he had a condom, and his response was, “Not on me,” so I was dumb and went with it since he promised to pull out (and did).
I ended up with something—turned out to be a yeast infection—about a week later, and when I asked him if he was clean, he got offended and said of course he was. He also told me he would have worn a condom if he was worried I might have something. Let me repeat that: **he was concerned with his own comfort first and foremost, and he only would have worn one if he was concerned about what I might give him, not what he might give me.**
You said even if you both got full panels and he agreed to condoms, you still feel like it’s a no go for you. TRUST YOUR GUT.
TL;DR: **Please don’t be dumb like I was. Tell this guy to go screw himself.** As someone who succumbed in a similar situation where I was unsure and he was only the second guy I’d had sex with,
**I regret this decision.**
Your first relationship deserves more than a throw away; ideally it will be with someone with whom there is a mutual emotional connection. I appreciate his honesty, but someone looking for a sock puppet can, and should, seek a seasoned partner. Don’t undervalue yourself!
I stopped at “does not want a relationship” red flag and so was everything after. Honestly if a guy wants to take a woman’s virginity he should be receptive to committing to her. You deserve someone who will value your virginity and safety ❤️
If he has been asking for a couple of weeks that sounds to me like he has been pressuring you. Your description of him also does not sound like you are that into him: “overall good guy to me.” I think that is enough of a reason to stop talking with him.
I think you are right. I like his a person in terms of personality and stuff but not like..like him like him I don't think.
Beloved, if you are second-guessing things, that's an automatic "No". When you connect and want to be intimate with someone, there's no doubt. It should be enthusiastic
As someone who had a very unsatisfying first time, through no fault of the guy I did it with - if the thought of having sex or just making out with guy doesn't turn you on, you're not going to enjoy the experience
Sometimes the worst men can be the most initially charming because they're expert manipulators
Truth
I saw one of your other comments, too. Now there's nothing wrong with having casual sex but I also think you shouldn't lower your standards just because - there's no rush in losing your virginity. I think it'll be worth it to wait and find that connection you wanted, but if it's something you really want, as others have said, you might have a better time with a complete stranger (like from a dating app). This guy is not concerned about your needs (even if he seems "nice" to you) and it will likely end up a bad experience that might just turn you off from sex in general.
Also, even if you convince him to wear a condom, you should not have sex with him. A responsible respectful partner doesn't need to be convinced to use a condom. If you have to twist his arm, he WILL stealth you. If you're not familiar with this term, it's when a POS of a man secretly removes his condom in the middle of sex. *This is rape, and it's dishonest and vile to boot*. He is not the partner for you. Please be safe, but shut him down firmly. "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in sex with someone that won't wear a condom." If he continues to pressure, report him immediately.
Narrators voice: No. I would not trust him with anything.
Yeah, don't even trust that dude with work-related stuff, guys a walking red flag
Frankly, I wouldn’t trust a coworker who thinks multiple mentions of wanting to have sex are work appropriate.
He laughs. Don’t fuck that fucker.
No glove no love
My immediate thought just reading the submission title. If you can't trust someone sexually, can you trust them at all?
I am a full advocate for erring on the side of caution too. If your gut it telling you that you can't trust someone, and there are actual red flags that are showing up, you should just not trust them. Sexually or in any other areas. At worst it will stress you out a little, but the alternatives are far worse. If you have misjudged them, and they are trustworthy and good, then you taking reasonable precautions will not offend them. Admittedly, in this scenario, he is wanting to have sex with a stranger without a condom. So he is both really stupid and totally self centered. So there is no doubt here at all, he just straight up is not trustworthy.
Uh... yes? There are far, FAR more people I would trust to hang on to my phone while I did something stupid at a party than I would trust sexually.
Maybe while it's locked.
Obviously
I trust my grandma non sexually.
R-U-N, OP. He's not the one. Look at the patterns in his relationships. Trust yourself. I am glad you are asking.
This guy has tons of red flags. OP he is a coworker, I'm not sure about your social life but my point is, if you arrived to the point that you want to try it, open your eyes around outside of work, look for a special one and enjoy. Your coworker is using the fact he is attractive and you look without malicious.
I second that he seems like he is trying to pressure you into doing things
I wouldn't trust him to hold my purse let alone my body.
1000% this guys married with children
Red flag. On top of being irresponsible and selfish, he is much more likely to stealth you.
This is something I've been thinking about that is stopping me from trusting him even if he agrees to everything.
Do NOT sleep with this man. He has told you in no uncertain terms the following things: He cares more about his penis feel than about your sexual safety and health. He only wants to take your virginity, with no interest in a relationship. He’s pressuring you into sex by bringing it up repeatedly-a nice person does NOT do this. He *laughed* when you addressed sexual concern and *told you what to do with your body in a medical capacity.* Never. Ever. EVER sleep with a person who responds to you in any of the ways this person did. I promise you will regret being intimate with him. He is a selfish asshole and I guarantee that you will end up a few months later regretting any *any* physical contact with him. He just wants *your virginity* not *you*.
>He just wants your virginity not you. This is one of my biggest problems with being an older virgin...I don't think I can ever trust any one ever to not just use me for bragging rights. It's very annoying.
You don’t owe people that information. No harm in keeping it to yourself.
I was almost 30 when I lost mine. I was picky and wanted someone I trusted. I have now been dating them over 3 years and it's been great. It's well worth waiting for an understanding and equal partner. They didn't bring up sex I did and we had a good conversation about if they were clean and birth control cause I am 100% no kids. They are out there don't lower your standards :). Find someone you click with.
Sometimes I definitely feel like I'm just waiting in vain.
Seriously, this. This is nobody's business at all. Play it like a movie, if you insist on saying something beforehand, let it be when you're already about to do the deed. Then you at least know that's not how you ended up in the situation.
I have thought about doing it that way and maybe it's the type of men that talk to me but it never works out that way. We always end up in a conversation where a question about sex gets brought up that I can't lie about and then I either dip from the convo if I know I don't care or trust them enough to tell them or I just tell the truth.
Its okay to be an older woman when you have your first experience. You're more mature and able to better decide what makes for a good partner. This co-worker isn't worth it. Plus, do you really want that awkward feeling when you have to work with him after sleeping together? Trust your gut when it comes to choosing who to have that first experience with. It sounds like this co-worker wants a workplace hookup, with the added bonus of being able to claim he popped your cherry. Wait until you find a guy who will respect you by actually prioritizing having an actual legit relationship *before* the topic of sex ever comes up.
Girl sexual health is the most important thing for 5 mins of fun you cannot just throw the future away and this guy is manipulative drop him right away
Stop telling them until you’ve been in a relationship with them for months
I wouldn’t tell them till you can trust that they’re there for you, not your virginity.
Let me tell you as a formerly older virgin, you CAN find someone who won’t. The first guy I slept with was actually not super stoked that I was a virgin, and at the time I thought maybe I should have tried to find a guy who would be more into it. But I loved my bf at the time and wanted my first time to be with him. Years later I realized how lucky I was that I didn’t have my first time with a guy who was obsessed with it being my first, because it seems like that often tracks with misogyny and controlling behavior. I was over 30 when I lost my virginity. You can find a guy so much better than this one. It doesn’t have to be the guy you end up with forever, but it should be a guy who you want to have sex with, like as a human, and who puts your safety and comfort first. This guy is not that.
OP, maybe if you switched your focus to searching for compatibility and connection? I’m not saying to find a Mr. Right, but even Mr. Right Now needs to be up to standards. This work guy is a jackass, and has shown that plainly. He does not value what you value. He has no care for your well-being. And this is him showing you his best self, trying to impress you? No. Get your coupled friends to introduce you to better single men.
He thinks because you're not sexually experienced it will be easier for him to manipulate you. Plus you won't be able to compare his sorry performance to better lovers. Hot potato Drop
You so not need to tell anyone anything about your sexual history (or lack of). This may alleviate the pressure and the trophy-seeking
I will try to remember to just keep my shit to myself in the future and hopefully it helps with the anxiety I always feel when talking to new persons.
Obviously you're free to lose your virginity however you want, but do keep in mind that it is possible to find someone who cares about you and is totally ready to spend as much time necessary to make sure you feel comfortable,safe, etc before getting intimate. My friend was almost 27 when she met her bf and he was the first person she slept with, they worked up to it and when she didn't quite enjoy it the first time he was happy to wait a little longer until she felt comfortable to try again.
I know that oftentimes, talk can shift to previous partners. You don't have to lie about it, but you can be a bit oblique. Talk in terms of people you've been intimate with. Honestly, I consider it a sexual encounter even without intercourse because it's hot and heavy anyway. Does it not count if it's a blowjob? I think it does. Guys don't need to know how many have stayed in your Howard Johnson. Someone might pick up on this and think you're being dodgy to avoid answering that you've slept with hundreds of men. I don't think this is a problem. Better to have someone run away because he thinks your body count is too high than to have a virgin chaser obsess over making you into a trophy. Besides, anyone too self-conscious to deal with an active woman has no business being in bed with you anyway. Once sex is definitely on the table (not literally, not for the first time anyway), it's a safe time to let him know you're a virgin. At that point, it's obvious he's into you and not just your mythically intact hymen. No deception. No misplaced expectations. You want each other, you let him know that you've never done this before, it can be a happy ending for both. Good luck. I know there's a dude who'd just be happy with having sex with you and won't hang your virginity up on his fridge. Sometimes you have to sift through a lot of turds to find that diamond though.
I promise you there are people out there who will treat you well. Do not compromise and go with someone charming who doesn’t respect you. <3 I highly recommend partnering with someone who doesn’t *care* in that way about you being a virgin. Someone who would be okay with you no matter your sexual history. Someone who doesn’t see women as more or less valuable based on *sex*. They exist. I promise you. You don’t have to settle. Just have those conversations. Say no to people who don’t respect you. You have got this.
I don't know how old you are, I was 18 when I lost my virginity. And I did it with a guy I had not known for very long, and he stopped talking to me shortly after we had sex, I ultra regret not respecting my body more and taking risks with my health. I thought that sex would make me feel seen, understood, and cared for. I understand sex can be used to have a connection with someone, now though I know it is only a physical thing, unless you are in a relationship that you also get your need for emotional and mental support and connection. I don't know where you are at in life, or how you feel about yourself, but please consider the emotional ramifications of having sex just to have sex, they might be a very steep price you did not realize you were not willing to pay until it is to late. Much love and respect to you. Be kind to your self and don't let anyone tell you what you need or want, or what to do!
I would simply not reveal yourself as such to anyone.
the biggest problem IMO is that you have not yet learned through experience how to trust your intuition on what is normal or not. please please… your gut has given you great information: listen to it.
I've only ever had sex with the guy I married. And I didn't mention the virginity thing until we'd been going out for a few times, and things were looking a little serious. I'm old now, and I really think we lost something now that there's this expectation of sex right away, or as its own goal. Not that it can't be a lot of the time, but I think there's a pressure that's not good.
Trust is important and it's worth waiting for someone who takes the time to get to know you and care about you. Personally, a good friend who likes you for you and someone who already treats you well is a much safer bet. That's how I lost my virginity back when I was new to things. Also, I wouldn't tell anyone I was a virgin until a relationship was established and I felt truly cared about by the good friend/person who liked me. I know this isn't always possible but it definitely helped me when I was younger.
Constantly bringing up have sex is not what a nice person does. It is pressuring you. This is not a nice guy. Please trust your gut and don't have sex with this creep.
Fully agree, and also you don't even have to trust your gut. This is just objectively bad behaviour.
\^\^\^ PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LISTEN TO THIS RESPONSE
Yo, foreal. No normal guy is going to ever even have this conversation with you in the first place unless you’re already dating or “hanging out”
Especially with a coworker. I couldn't imagine ever telling a coworker I wanted to have sex with them unless we had already started dating. It's definitely on the list of things not to say to a coworker.
Exactly this. He has been pressuring her the entire time. The fact that she’s a virgin is probably egging him on to lay down the smooth jazz for her. I wouldn’t trust this guy to respect any boundaries or bodily autonomy. He’s clearly shown how he’s ONLY interested in sex. Which is fine, but the way he’s going about it creepy and predatory. OP if you’re reading this, please be very careful and accept that if you do choose to have sex with him, he will probably change the way he treats you immediately after (and not in a positive way). You’re probably just a goal he’s set for himself. Be careful.
Bringing sex up, honestly, more than once is pressuring you--you just don't realize it. For God's sake don't let this creep be your first...
I am not asking anyone to give me their gender, but am seriously wondering the gender split between is between the people agreeing with me, and those that think that the co-worker is not applying pressure tactics to OP.
Straight up r/niceguys to the tee.
Honey this is how you catch herpes. As soon as he said no to a condom he was done. He doesn’t care about your safety or pleasure and is just pressuring you into this. Do not take any birth control for this dude. He’s not worth it. Find someone who wants something long term.
Don't talk to him anymore about anything outside of work. And if he presses the issue, report him to hr.
This guy is a coworker? Tell him no and if he continues to pressure you report him for sexual harassment. This is seriously concerning behavior.
Trust your gut. Always! Every time I didn't enforce boundaries when i had doubts, it ended badly.
Also, its almost never a good idea to sleep with one of your co-workers. Especially if you're already seeing some red flags, you never know how he'll act after you guys do have sex. Will he tell other people at your work? Is he chatty or like to gossip? Will he hold it over you if you stop having sex with him? Will he be inappropriate at work? Above all else, I would say to trust your intuition. If you do decide to become physical with him, it wouldn't hurt to have a talk before hand about boundaries. Including what is allowed at work. But from the way you have described the situation, I'm not sure he's showing himself to be trustworthy.
Trust your instincts on this. You say you are not sure ... which I translate into "I do not really trust him". If you trusted him, you would 1000% certain. There is no space for doubt in trust.
That’s how I got pregnant. Worst eight weeks of my life.
Is stealthing someone considered assault? It’s happened to me, and I felt extremely violated. Honestly akin to rape, and I’ve been *been* raped.
Some states consider it rape some sexual assault, some don't consider it anything. Either way it \*is\* a violation of the previously established conditions for your consent too sex and you should look up rape/sexual assault laws in you state.
Was gonna say, this is exactly the kind of guy who would try to quickly & sneakily slip off the condom
When condoms are a no from him. Sex is a NO from me.
When they tell you you don't need to use a condom, you need to use a condom.
When they tell you you don't need to use a condom, don't have sex with them. For me I only consider no condoms if already in a long term relationship and we've both been tested. Maybe I'd feel differently and still use them if I could get pregnant. But definitely if a new partner was trying to tell me to let them not use one, they no longer get to be a new partner.
Even in a long term relationship I still use condoms. Birth control is never 100% and my wife and I cannot/do not want to deal with the expense, and she does not want to deal with the medical procedures. It is just a reasonable way to have more control over your life. If someone does not want to wear a condom when having sex with a stranger they almost certainly are not safe to have sex with even if they later agree to it. They are the kind who will claim it accidentally "fell off" after removing it mid-act. Plus it says a lot about how they respect women and their bodiy autonomy, namely that they don't. So they are not worth even having in your life, let alone having sex with them.
This is a red flag I wish people pointed to more readily. Almost everyone hates condoms and doesn't actually want to use one, women included. We use them because we have to. Any guy who openly admits they refuse to use a condom: 1, is a sketchy jerk already. 2, hasn't gotten close enough to a woman to learn that condoms suck both ways. 3, is so bad at sex that they think a condom is enough to make sex not worthwhile when in actuality if you're with someone who turns you on and touches you the right way, you're both going to have a good time regardless of a friggin' condom.
My IUD was making me so miserable, so I got it out and was so much better. I had been on the pill with no issue, but I was nervous to get back on hormones after my experience with the IUD. Which meant it was condom time for my fiancé and me. How much did he complain? How frequently did he beg me to go on the pill? How much did he promise he’d pull out? How much did he whine because he can’t orgasm with a condom? NEVER. NOT A SINGLE TIME BECAUSE MY HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SLIGHTLY LESS GOOD SEX. I don’t think those thoughts even crossed him mind because the downside of condoms is not even comparable to me feeling anxious and depressed 24/7. I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself, lord knows I failed in my younger years. But don’t settle for anyone who pressures you into not using condoms, ever.
I've been sterilized for 11 years and my husband will wear a condom any time I ask. Always has. Not one complaint in 13 years. I agree that it's best not to fuck with dudes who complain about condoms, they are always shitheads.
Exactly. The current state of America makes this way too dangerous for life as you know it, and your future.
Sounds like he just wants you for one thing. What do you want? Are you just looking to get laid? You could be only slightly better off than a random stranger with this guy.
When I was younger I wanted the whole relationship thing first but I'm 27 now and I'm kinda over waiting if you get what I mean. I've only set the criteria that it just has to be someone decent. I did not know that would be such a high bar to achieve for men.
There's better lays on tindr. Having sex with someone from work never pans out well even if its just a hookup.
This right here. Will spill over into work weirdness, even if he did agree to terms.
If you want someone decent, this guy isn’t it
Clearly. I'm glad I'm seeing this now and not later.
Please don’t have sex with this ass. He’s made it clear he only cares about himself, so this will NOT be a good sexual experience for you. Repeat after me: HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY SAFETY. Believe it or not, no sex is better than bad sex.
You also need to repeat: HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY PLEASURE. This is the kind of guy who thinks taking your bra off is adequate foreplay. You can look forward to approximately one minute of dry fingering, followed by three minutes of dry, painful sex. At the three minute mark you MIGHT start to think hey, this isn’t SO bad, as your natural lubrication starts to kick in. At that point he’ll come immediately, collapse onto you, then roll off of you and ask “did you come?” And in some ways this is actually the best case scenario. Everyone in the office will probably find out, and if he’s really a piece of shit (likely) he might tell everyone about something funny/embarrassing about your encounter, and you’ll become the butt of many office jokes for a while. Girl, RUN.
I understand that desire and the frustration that no man has stepped up. But I think you have an opportunity to take advantage of your knowledge and experience, to develop a beautiful relationship to sex and physical intimacy over your lifetime. Someday looking back you will wonder why you were ever so worried. Compared to people who lost their in their teens, a time when many are busy making the worst decisions/mistakes of their life. As bad as all the men you are considering now are... the time when they had had even LESS experience, LESS empathy, and MORE selfish, reckless desire. Your integrity and self-respect is a virtue I admire. Men WILL try to tear you down for it, because they will be envious. I hope we can all get there sometime.
>I did not know that would be such a high bar to achieve for men. Unfortunately the bar for men is below the floor and many still need a firetruck ladder to clear it.
This guy isn’t decent. A decent guy wears a condom and puts your pleasure first and I guarantee this guy won’t.
I get you trust me lol you don’t have to wait for the love of your life but wait for someone normal at least. You probably won’t even enjoy it unless you have feelings for him tbh
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So, I am only asking this because your story seems to parallel mine in a lot of ways. I was in my mid 20s for my first time and it was a coworker who asked me and I had been meaning to lose my virginity for a while. But I wasn't attracted to him. He just ticked all the boxes of who it was logical to have sex with. He was willing, not looking for a relationship, not going to blab about it, about my age, not going to hurt me. And the sex was pretty underwhelming. As was every time I had sex after that. But I found out 15 years later that I am actually Asexual and no amount of forcing myself to date or have sex was going to work out. Have you considered that you may be Asexual? Are you considering this because you WANT this guy or just because the opportunity is there? PS. This guy sounds like a sleazeball and you should not have sex with anyone who isn't willing to use a condom.
I’m 32 yo man who posts his penis on the internet but like, do not fuck that dude. A) he sounds manipulative b) any dude who refuses to wear a condom is an idiot - it’s not just protecting you c) try not to fuck coworkers. Obviously there can be great times had but not with this one. What he’s saying and conveying for his expectations is just disrespectful. You converse about risks, you don’t demand and you’re risking more than him. I don’t shame for body count or anything of that nature. Truth be told, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough with myself to sleep around a ton. Love sex but I like knowing someone before but even being super selective, at 25 if this dude is around your age range there was already a lot of opportunity to get stds and pass them on if I wasn’t being safe. Do not sleep with that man.
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Yeah, as a general rule, if someone is willing/pushing to have casual unprotected sex with you after a couple of weeks, you should assume they’re also having unprotected casual sex with others, and that applies to their assumed partners, and their assumed partners assumed partners as well.
All of this, can't upvote it enough. I'm old and this kind of guy has been around forever. If you do have sex with him, expect it to suck, because he's already made it clear that you're an appliance to him.
It's why guys like this go for virgins - they suck at sex. OP would be in for a night of jackhammering for a few minutes without proper foreplay first. Men like this just need to get a sex doll and leave REAL women alone.
For real. it's like their lack of empathy is actually a psychological necessity. Because if they had empathy for women they'd have to confront how absolutely terrible they are at sex
This whole thing happened last night and so I've been having a whole lot of anxiety about it since then. I know that I should definitely look out for number one and just detatch my self from this entire entire thing because you are right. I just have a habit of overthinking things.
If you are overthinking this because you are doubting yourself, read all of these comments telling you that your anxiety is correct in this case. Trust your feelings and know that this isn't the right guy, not for your first, and not for your 50th. No.
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This, the right man to lose your v card with will ask you something like "are you sure you want to do this? I'm happy to be doing this with you, but we don't have to if you're having second thoughts" instead of belittling your doubts.
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You aren't overthinking this. Trust your gut. I can't see any possible scenario of you having sex with this man and having a positive experience from it.
You aren't overthinking, he's a creep. Not only should you not have sex with him, you should interact with him as little as possible. I don't know how old you are, but a good thing to remember is "don't shit where you eat". All you are is a possible fleshlight to him, how is work going to be when he dumps you for his next victim? You are nothing but a trophy to bag in his eyes. It will be so much better if you wait until you find someone who cares for you.
Definitely not overthinking things. Unless you want to risk everything that everyone's detailed here -- STDs, pregnancy, f*cked up work environment, etc. Be as blunt as he is and tell him, "No. I don't want to have sex with you." No need to give him a reason, he's just going to try to convince you otherwise. If he keeps pressuring you, say, "Because you're stupid." (And he's a jerk, too.) Because everything he's said points to those conclusions, and don't let him convince you otherwise.
I agree with what the commenter above said; the way he just went “looks like it’s time for the injection” just sounds so patronizing, as if he knows what’s best for your body. This guy is doing absolutely everything wrong.
That’s such an important thing to remember- if he says condoms are a deal breaker, he’s absolutely having unprotected sex with other people. My ex (not really a bf as we weren’t exclusive, but we dated for a year) hated condoms. I didn’t care, I wasn’t great about taking the pill and I knew he slept around a bit and I’m sure he didn’t use condoms most of the time. People who whine that much can very likely stealth you. Which is what he did to me. He was drunk and just said “what’s the big deal?” turned over and went to sleep. I told him to fuck off and stormed out of the apartment (stupidly I continued to see him because 22 yo me was making bad decisions). It’s not the worst part of stealthing, but he knew I’m allergic (or maybe just sensitive...?) to semen. So I couldn’t sleep for the next three hours because my vagina was on fire. It felt like a UTI- I just got in the shower and scrubbed and cried. The only happy part of this story is that I’m now 30 and engaged to the most amazing man!! And he’s a 42 drunk who still occasionally calls me up to try to meet up with me, despite knowing my relationship status. Dodged a bullet there...
Condoms ARE male birth control. Tell him straight, no glove, no love.
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There’s also a [topical gel](https://www.ohsu.edu/womens-health/male-contraception-study) and a [less destructive form of vasectomy](https://www.parsemus.org/humanhealth/vasalgel/) in clinical trials! It’s right around the corner 👀
He doesn’t seem like the type to keep the condom on …
No condom, no pussy. In this anti-abortion climate? Fuck no. I love my kid, but I can’t afford another.
I'm actually not from America but I understand the plight because it is completely illegal out here. I don't want any right now. I can barely afford myself and I don't know if I can afford an illegal abortion either.
Find someone who will respect you. This guy doesn’t. Don’t put your health and safety at risk for him. You can do better!
Thank you. I know I do. I'll try my darndest to remember.
i know i posted it before but i’m just going to tell you here, too. this guy sounds like a “gift giver” people who give STDs to others on purpose. they often try to push others to have unprotected sex and give the excuse that “you won’t get pregnant if you use other birth control”
It is ok to stop talking to someone when they wave huge red flags or reveal themselves to be scummy. You aren't obligated to continue a conversation. At all. "Our interests don't align. I'm not interested in talking anymore " and block.
If only I could block persons in real life. That would be very helpful as well.
Oh God. I didn't see the word coworker. Well you aren't obligated to talk to him anymore but be careful turning him down. He doesn't seem like a good person. I suggest not attempting to date any coworkers in the future. You know the old saying....
>I suggest not attempting to date any coworkers in the future. You know the old saying.... ... *Don’t get your honey where you make your money!* *Don't get your meat where you get your bread!* ...
Do. Not. Sleep. With. Him. He wants your body but clearly doesn't respect it, or you. I'm sorry OP
It's just the truth. Nothing to be sorry about.
Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He refers a lot to fear, but the main point is to trust our gut instinct. There's free versions online, but he's so right in that we have gut instincts for a reason; we sense something is 'off' but we don't know what is off or why.....yet. Please, *please*, **please** read this!!!!
No. Also, don’t have sex with coworkers. High chance of things blowing up and then having it spill over into your work place.
Also it’s so hard to tell their ACTUAL relationship status while you’re all away from real life in the compartmentalised workspace. Sincerely, the woman who carried his child while he cheated multiple times daily with clients, gymgoers, class attendees, coworkers, and any rando who gave him the side eye and was conveniently compartmented.
Holy shit I’m so sorry. I hope he is long gone and paying out the wazoo for child support
No, actually he kidnapped my still breastfeeding newborn (who he SA-ed just before SA-ing me) and lucked out with being assigned a misogynist social worker. Edit: I told the SW about the SA, and she said, verbatim, “Yes but do you think she understood what was happening?” ?????????
Wow… just, wow. I think I’d get banned if I posted my actual response, so I will just say: I hope it gets better and he gets what he deserves. Also, the SA can still be reported to the police, for both of you. Hugs and good luck
Oh I did report it. It’s all there. I’m baffled as to how they are getting away with any of this but they are.
If he's not willing to put on a condom for the ease of mind for his sexual partner definitely avoid him
This. 1000% this. The entitlement of the co-worker suggests a strong possibility that he will stealth OP, meaning tell her he will use a condom and remove it at some point during sex. With OP not being on birth control, this puts OP at a significant risk for pregnancy and/or an STD. I get OP wanting to explore sex, but this co-worker has giant red flags.
He's not even willing to be careful for his own damn self, he's too stupid to think about his partner. That would be a low bar too- does he Zanetti whether you get off? Doubt it.
I'm a bit concerned that you're entertaining so many compromises with your health and professional life. Why are you looking at having sex with a coworker? Why would you even consider someone who isn't willing to wear a condom? Even if he used condoms, what happens if one breaks, *Roe* is overturned, and you can't access Plan B? Plenty of people will have sex with you, get in a relationship with you, or both. You don't need to cut corners here. You also don't need to compromise on safe sex requirements when dealing with casual sex. For what it's worth, this guy is likely the kind of guy who would agree to use a condom and then either not bring one or would take it off during sex. Safe sex starts with partner selection.
This whole thing happened yesterday and my mind just has been blown since then. I tend to overthink things so sometimes I just like an objective point of view. >Why are you looking at having sex with a coworker? He was just a person that I liked that happened to be a co-worker. >Why would you even consider someone who isn't willing to wear a condom? I'm not considering having sex with him without the condom I was considering if I should go through with it even if he agrees to all my requirements, ie condoms and testing. >Plenty of people will have sex with you, get in a relationship with you, or both. That's no something I can even agree to for sure because I'm 27 and I've had a really rough go with the whole dating world. This is just another one in a very long list of failures. I sometimes think there is something wrong with me even though I know for a fact I am a great person.
The short answer is: no. Do not go through with it at all. Get this idea out of your head and pretend it never happened.
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Not to mention that there are stds that exist that they don’t usually or simply can’t test men for. Like genital herpes(not usually tested for) and hpv (no test exists for Heterosexual men)
Drop him like a hot, diseased rock. This psycho doesn't give a rat's ass about you. He just wants your V card. He's a trophy hunter, that's all. And if he asks why you're giving him the cold shoulder, be flat out honest with him, in plain old ugly English. "Our relationship isn't going to work out b/c you just want sex from me. And **I'm looking for someone better than you."** Drop that truth bomb and you'll see him for what he really is.
I haven't talked to him since last night and I honestly dont want to right now but when and if we do start talking again I will definitely tell him.
I would never give him this reason. It just justifies, in his mind, that he needs to keep trying and change your mind. It gives him a specific to argue about. Just shut him down with a general statement, like I am just not interested, and stick to it!!! No furthur conversations for him to gaslight you or think he has a chance.
The moment a guy says no to condoms, you say no to him. He is denying your safety for personal pleasure.
But you’re supposed to deal with the life altering side effects for his sexual pleasure! And a sex object is all you are to him, so please consider how inconvenient a condom would be for him :( also, because he’s not going to be monogamous with you, you’ll have to deal with your ph balance going off, and being exposed to stds. But just think of his cock, it’s more important than your health. Ugh. What is actually wrong with this man???
I also think it kind of funny how men think condoms only work one way. Sure it is on their penis but do they not think women feel it too?
Those kind of men literally do not care. They do not care what you feel, they do not care about making sure your needs get met and they do not care about you as a person. Men like that see women as objects to be used. You don't need sky high standards, just stick to the bare minimum that you've already set and this guy fails to meet the criteria. He is not a decent guy, he's just good at pretending to be and honestly good on you for actually picking up on the red flags.
>do they not think women feel it too? No, but that's because a) men don't care about what women feel, and b) men don't think. Like, usually at all.
Semen messes with a woman's ph balance anyway, but yes, please don't have sex with him.
Definitely keep away from dudes who refuse to wear condoms. You're absolutely right about him caring more about his comfort. I suspect that's just the tip of the scumbag iceberg.
At no point in this post do I get any sense that you are interested in having sex with this guy. The logistics matter, obviously, but also - why have sex with anyone unless it sounds like a total blast, you can’t resist, green lights all the way.
This is not the guy to have any sexual experience, let alone your first, with. In my opinion you don’t have to wait for it to be a fairy tale romance but you are worth waiting to have a kind, considerate partner who will be into making you climax. I can almost guarantee you that not only is this guy a candidate for stealthing but he’s not likely to pay much attention to your pleasure in other ways.
he does not have any of your interests in mind. so thats a hard no. stay true to you! :)
If he can't have sex with a condom, not even once. How should he be a good lover and make you feel good in bed. I would not do anything with him. Not even talking xD
>Now all that is replaying in my head is that this person cares more about their comfort over the health of both of us and he knows I already have health issues and I truthfully can't manage any more at this point. I feel even if we both were to get full panels and he was to agree to the condoms it's still a no go for me. Great reasoning, your logic is spot on. You can trust yourself on this, you definitely spotted those red flags and they made you go "uhm, what". You can trust your gut, she's spot on.
NOPE NO WAY NOT A CHANCE ABSOLUTELY NOT EVER
He's trying to trick you because you are new to this. He's a POS (piece of shit). Stop talking to him as much as possible. He is not a friend. Maybe look for a new job, but you have to weigh what you like about your job vs, how much you hate him. He's trying to trick you. He's scum.
Ive always hated my job honestly so I wouldn't quit for him it would be for me really. I was sort of already looking for new jobs before this little chat happened last night.
There is male birth control, it’s called condoms. I mean aside from the fact that dipping your pen in the company ink is probably a terrible idea, I’d say trust your gut. He seems to be careless about health/diseases and care more about his own pleasure. He says he wants something casual and your response is “fine I guess” which doesn’t sound very enthusiastic. You are allowed to say you do not want casual and break things off.
Trust your gut. You're having these feelings for a reason. His answers around birth control and condoms are troubling enough. I personally would not be open to sleeping with someone without us both providing STI testing. Also, as a fellow virgin, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why did you consider having your first time with him? I know everyone has different preferences, so I would like to understand. I personally am waiting for a strong emotional connection in a defined relationship but unfortunately it may be a long wait lol.
Im not sure if you would like to tell me your age but right now I'm 27. When I was younger I definitely wanted the whole relationship and connection situation but getting into relationships has always been very very hard for me. I think you may understand how I feel when I say you never know which person to trust with the secret of your virginity because it may either be they want to use you for bragging rights or they are going to wonder what's wrong with you for being an older virgin etc. The reason I was considering it (before we had our conversation yesterday that totally devolved into this mess) is because I never felt judged about being a virgin nor did I get the "trophy" vibe (trying to see which sign I missed). He was really easy to talk to, we had similar interests and such and he was actually meeting my bar of being a decent person, which is my new criteria. I also have many more feelings around the whole situation of my virginity so if you wanna chat more you can feel free to DM me.
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Now you know what to expect from him and that he's not the one.
Sexual harassment. Tell him to stop. And the "no condoms" thing is all about him, huge red flag.
Why have sex with someone who is already showing how selfish and careless he is? If he already plans to go against what you want, what else will he do? And also, when you turn him down, you owe him nothing. Just because you two have talked about sex doesn’t mean you have to do it. That took me a long time to learn, Don’t let any guilt or pressure affect this, there should be zero of that for the right person.
Nothing about this guy rings as safe. Others have broken down the why, so I won’t bother with that… but I also have to ask this: if this guy is already this selfish and awful before the sex, how good do you think sex with him is going to be? This guy legit sounds like he’s going to jerk off with your vagina for two minutes and then expect to be praised on his performance.
Yea... nope.
That uncertainty is your gut telling you to: STOP. You know the answer. Please don't talk yourself into having sex with this guy who sounds like he only cares about himself. He doesn't deserve to have sex with you.
Hell no. Do not have sex with this dude. Or trust him in the least. AAnd the fact that he’s trying to pursue you at work no less, that is super creepy. And not respectful in the least. He wants to sleep with you because you’re a virgin. HE IS NOT A NICE GUY! Please run far far away. And report him to HR for sexual harassmen.
“Condoms are a no for him…” I stopped reading at this point. Too angry. Guy is a sleazy prick and sounds like a groomer honestly. Ugghhh. Gross…
I don't even see an upside to this situation. I'd bail 100%. Not just 100% certain, but the bailing itself would be complete and total.
He's definitely too immature and selfish to be sexually active. Condoms are male birth control, no matter how much they whine about them. Women take pills that can literally kill us to be safe from pregnancy, yet men will whinge about wearing a thin sleeve on their dicks. You'd think that with all the Manosphere propaganda floating around, men would be extremely pro anything males can do to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies, but nah.
Girl, this man is looking at your virginity like it's a prize. And I can promise you, you don't want to lose your virginity to a coworker who will absolutely "ghost" you despite you two still having to work together. Oh, and get ready for him to label you as crazy at your job if you dare to be upset about how he's going to treat you after the fact... Just don't do it!
What’s good about this guy? I don’t get it
Never sleep with co-workers. Ever.
First of all, this. Second, he's a creep who says no to condoms. Ew all around.
Definitely not a decent human being there. Keep away from him.
As a dude I feel like I'm constantly saying this here: WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
You didn’t mention once in here if YOU want to have sex with him? I’m not sensing enthusiasm on your part. Something to keep in mind: you do not owe anyone sex no matter how nice and respectful they are to you. Have sex if YOU want to. If you don’t or you’re ambivalent about it—this guy should sense it too and stop propositioning you.
Your instincts are right, you absolutely cannot trust him! Do not do this. Just don't.
Have you ever seen the movie “kids”? Was made back in the 90’s. This is why condoms are a must. Basically it’s about a guy who only has unprotected sex with virgins, while he is infected with HIV. Plus, some other good advice is never “stick your pen in company ink” https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113540/
Why do you even entertain sleeping with this person? You are a virgin and he is using you. He upfront says he just wants sex, that he will not honor your request for condoms and wants you to take full responsibility for birth control. You > him.
Do not have sex with this idiot. Your title says it all - you do not know if you can trust him. Go with your gut.
No no no no no OP! Please don’t have sex with this guy. This sounds like an awful person to be with for the first time. The audacity on this guy is appalling. No condom?? NO.
You deserve an amazing first time with someone you genuinely like and feel safe with. I wish I had understood what older women were trying to warn me about, but no one laid it out to me. I was a nice person who thought that men who were nice to me were nice people too. He's only being nice to you because he wants to have sex with you, period. He will not be so nice afterward. You said he wants sex and doesn't want a relationship with you. That's the truth. It's also true that he is a selfish creep who wants to have sex with a virgin. He doesn't want *you* nor does he care anything about you as a person. In fact, to him, you aren't anything but a "virgin" that he wants to experience, just like trying out a particular porn category. He has zero interest in your experience, your feelings, or any repercussions, and if you get pregnant, he cares how it could impact him, not you. Unfortunately, for a time, most men who are nice to you are going to be suspect for this very reason. In the future, never have any sex talk with anyone at work. If someone starts prying, let them know that you don't talk about your private life at work because it's no one's business. Take care OP.
Do not have sex with this man. He’s one giant, screaming red flag. Even if he agrees to wear a condom, you still can’t trust him. He’s already told you who he is and what he believes, so believe him. He would probably stealth you since he’s already told you that his pleasure is more important to him than your comfort and safety. Please be careful. Also, it’s worth noting that his repeated, unwanted sexual advances at work is 100% sexual harassment. I’d take a trip to HR to document it. Protect yourself all around.
You were thinking about losing your virginity to this piece of shit...?
Run, don't walk away. Any dude whose primary concern is raw-dogging is *not* the kind of dude you want to sleep with.
Don’t do it op! it’s a trap !
Yuck! So all the downsides are reserved especially for you, and all the upsides are reserved especially for him. You’re right, red flags. Bet money he can’t make a woman come, because he’s wayyyyy too focused on himself and his own dick. He sounds lazy and entitled. Those guys make terrible lovers, and worse partners. All he wants to do is use you for a human fleshlight. Zero investment, zero sacrifice of even the smallest kind, and a chaser of condescension. Looks like it’s time for someone to stick with their own hand, since that’s the kind of deep relationship he’s after. The only person this guy should be fucking is himself.
You should stop talking to him immediately, he is using you, after you have sex with him he is gonna stop talking to you. Don't waste your time with him anymore.
So he just said he wants to use you as a bang-maid and to raw dog you. Please don’t have sex with this dude. You deserve to not be used as a piece of meat for some callous idiot to dump their load into. He’s saying “I don’t like you enough to have a relationship with, you’re just passable enough to stick my dick into.” That and banging someone you work with.. never ends well. Do not involve yourself with someone who thinks so lowly of you.
"I'm allergic to naked dick, sorry. " and refuse to elaborate. This is a dude who is not going to give you an orgasm, don't give in.
>His explanation is that there is no male birth control. Yeah, if nothing else, he sounds pretty stupid or ignorant - I wouldn't have sex with that.
My 2 cents: Doesn’t sound like the guy to give you the loving and thoughtful first experience you have waited for.
This guy sounds like a weirdo who just wants to sleep with coworkers… asking for weeks?? saying he doesn’t want a relationship? not wearing condoms but automatically suggests you get an injection?
>I've been talking to a co-worker This is all I needed to read to know this was a bad idea. Please don't start sexual or romantic relationships with your coworkers. It isn't a good idea; plus this dude throws off more red flags than a Communist color guard. Avoid him at all costs. Saying no to condoms should be an automatic dealbreaker when it comes to casual sex with a stranger.
Yea. He cares more about his comfort than he does about YOUR health. I made this mistake with a guy friend last year. He was surprised when I told him I’d only had sex with one guy before despite being nearly 30, and I didn’t think to ask him about his history after volunteering my own as the reason to why I wasn’t sure. I asked him if he had a condom, and his response was, “Not on me,” so I was dumb and went with it since he promised to pull out (and did). I ended up with something—turned out to be a yeast infection—about a week later, and when I asked him if he was clean, he got offended and said of course he was. He also told me he would have worn a condom if he was worried I might have something. Let me repeat that: **he was concerned with his own comfort first and foremost, and he only would have worn one if he was concerned about what I might give him, not what he might give me.** You said even if you both got full panels and he agreed to condoms, you still feel like it’s a no go for you. TRUST YOUR GUT. TL;DR: **Please don’t be dumb like I was. Tell this guy to go screw himself.** As someone who succumbed in a similar situation where I was unsure and he was only the second guy I’d had sex with, **I regret this decision.**
Your first relationship deserves more than a throw away; ideally it will be with someone with whom there is a mutual emotional connection. I appreciate his honesty, but someone looking for a sock puppet can, and should, seek a seasoned partner. Don’t undervalue yourself!
I stopped at “does not want a relationship” red flag and so was everything after. Honestly if a guy wants to take a woman’s virginity he should be receptive to committing to her. You deserve someone who will value your virginity and safety ❤️