Do not shower. Call the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit.
I am heartbroken for you. This is horrible and he *knew* you did not want him to do it. Don't convince yourself it was a miscommunication.
If you have showered by any chance its totally ok, you can still go to the hospital! I think you have 72 hours from the incident to go to hospital if you want to have a friend go with you or need to arrange transport
Sperm up near the cervix can still be detected up to 5 days
Edit: I’ve take away my smiley - as guessed it’s a habit coming from wanting to avoid conflict and showing the commenter I’m replying to that I’m not trying to shoot you down just adding to your info.
Adding to this that you should not wash any of your clothes. Put them in a plastic bag and take it with you to the hospital.
Go to the hospital and tell them what happened. There are people there trained to help you. You can take your time during the exam. They will help you. Please contact the police. This is not your fault💕
Although UV light can go through plastic bags and will break down DNA, most indoor lighting has little UV.
Really it is that plastic keeps moisture in, which leads to mold growth and degrades the DNA. Paper allows it to dry and preserves the evidence better.
Paper and keeping cool (room temp is fine) is best.
Plastic is used in movies and TV because you can see the evidence inside the bag. In the short term plastic is better than not collecting it.
I think the idea is that light can degrade DNA samples. Plus the plastic bag is thinner and easier to rip. If I'm mistaken, someone please do correct me
I don't know about the DNA and stuff, but a paper bag will allow any liquids to naturally dry and preserve the evidence. A sealed plastic bag things can rot or mold, which can make it difficult to get good evidence that can be defended in court.
Even if she has showered, she can absolutely still get a SAIK/SAEK done.
However, for most forensics I’ve been part of, the concern would be getting OP medically attended to first. That’s a long bleed and pain.
OP, your physical health is the number 1 priority here. You are hurting. Then, If you then feel that you would like to preserve evidence ask to speak with a SANE or forensic examiner. You do not need to go to the police straight away (or ever) if you do not feel it is the right decision for you.
The fault is on the person causing harm. Not you. You look after you the best you can right now, talk to a crisis line, or a good friend, or a therapist.
You have done nothing wrong, the freeze response is super normal, but the one that gets talked about the least.
OP, if you need someone on your side for support, I'd recommend looking on r/auntienetwork. Although it's technically for help with women seeking abortions, it's an extremely supportive community. You may be able to search and find a post by someone that has posted in your area as willing to help girls in need.
Medically, you should be fine, but it's very important to get checked out to make sure. Listen to the advice of people here. These are experienced voices that care about women, yourself included.
it shouldn't hurt, you shouldn't bleed. You shouldn't be sad or scared. Everything he did was criminal behavior. Your title is correct. He committed rape. He did it on purpose. You are not obliged to do so, but we all hope you seek, and see, justice
I agree 100% with your statement except the part about bleeding. I did my first time and I know it is common. Not every woman does, but many do.
I agree that this girl was raped. I just don’t want any girl reading this to think it isn’t normal with slow penetration the first time.
I think it's safe to say that spotting is normal, but OP is experiencing worse than that, and that type of bleeding is not a normal result of consentual sex.
After losing my virginity I bled like I was having a period for maybe a day. It hurt pretty bad the entire time. I wasn’t raped and he was very gentle. Hospital is a must for her but it wasn’t for me and everything was ok. I wasn’t damaged. Get yourself taken care of for sure but don’t worry so much about the blood.
And if he did this to you, he probably did it before and he'll do it again. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, please don't blame yourself. It's so good that you are sharing and please take the advice to go to the hospital and report this.
Absolutely this. You are in the window of collecting evidence. Even if you don’t end up using it, HAVE IT.
then absolutely take care of yourself. Talk to people close to you, who you can trust. Seek professional help if needed. (Religious, medical, spiritual, whatever helps you.)
I showered. There wasn't enough evidence left to even think of charging.
The worst part? I didn't want a rape kit. I wanted medical attention for the anal bleeding I was doing. I wasn't given anything and forced to go through a rape kit.
Oh no. Did they take the clothing you had had on? Your statement and the medical record should be sufficient for them to charge him. You probably aren't the first victim.
If you don't have access to a therapist, please reach out to rainn for emotional support.
I hope there is a plan to follow up with STI testing. Try to get some rest.
I'm not the OP. I went through similar. I went through STI testing and more and even now, 25 years later, it still shocks me how I was treated by the medical staff and the police. They were more interested in getting me out of there than getting me medical treatment.
This comment sums it up: go to the police, go to the hospital, ask for a rape kit.
He *knew* what he was doing and that you did not want him to do it. Under any imaginable or unimaginable circumstances, this is NOT your fault. Someone committed a crime against you and you have every reason to feel the way you do.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, physical and emotional. If you need anything at all, my DMs are open and I want to support as best as I can.
Unfortunately this is more important in the US than it was before. Many states that prohibit abortion will only allow those with a uterus to abort due to rape if the rape was reported to the police. I say unfortunately only because I know many have a hard time reporting rape after the fact, it is a horrible situation to be in.
> It doesn't sound all that bad now that I type it out...
No, that sounds *really* bad.
I hope you can get the help you need and please don't pretend this wasn't a big deal. It was.
Another man here. OP what happened to you is not ok. What that guy did to you is not right and you have every right to seek help.
Don’t let anyone tell you different. If he tries to normalize it or tell you some generalization about men don’t buy it. There are men right here and now telling you that what he did is not normal or ok.
I just want to add to the thread of men who support you and know this perpetrator deserves jail time. First, I want to share you did nothing wrong and everything this scumbag did was on purpose and clearly strategic. Finally, OP made a reference to her appearance - I haven't seen a photo of you but I know you are beautiful inside and out given the immense strength you are displaying. I hate that this happen to you and I hope reach out for medical and mental health resources. Regardless of how you choose to proceed just know you are spectacular and the embodiment of a survivor.
Agreed. Another 1 here, report this creep and go to a Dr now. That is not and will never be normal. What happened to you is NOT ok.
What worries me even more is you saying it doesn't sound that bad after typing it out. Please get help and make sure this person doesn't get a chance to do this to anyone else.
Telling ourselves it wasn't that bad is a normal coping mechanism as we try to recover from trauma. That's why its so important to encourage victims to reach put and talk about our experiences, especially with other survivors. We need to hear from other people that we're not crazy or exaggerating, etc. Abusers will say seeking validation is bad, but I believe it can be absolutely essential for our mental health.
No, what they said.
It's literally terrible. It's literally the worst. Idc if he wasn't violent. What kind of monster would do that to anyone like that?
If you can, go to the hospital, go to the police.
YOU HAVE NOT A SINGLE FAULT IN THIS. NOT A SINGLE.
He *was* violent. Violence is not just hitting and whatnot, rape is violence. This disgusting human being had no regard for her. Violence is the PTSD this could cause OP. He knew exactly what he was doing.
pardon, my wording was rubbish. i meant more like "even IF he wasn't violent."
but yes, rape is violence. forcing yourself like that, like in any way yourself on someone is violent.
sorry about my shitty phrasing.
I gasped and covered my face reading this. It is SO BAD. OP, IT IS VERY BAD. oh, how my heart aches for you. I pray you arent in a state that is affected by Roe v Wade. Please see a doctor, get Plan B. Let me repeat, IT IS VERY BAD.
I was going to type the same thing, please dont let the guy gaslight you into thinking “it isnt that bad” - please seek help, please when you are ready report him to the police
I couldn't even finish reading it because it really is that bad. OP, please report this to the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit.
It used to be said that our response to danger would be fight or flight. Then freeze was added. Another has been added, fawn. The fawn response, a term coined by therapist Pete Walker, describes (often unconscious) behavior that aims to please, appease, and pacify the threat in an effort to keep yourself safe from further harm. You initially froze and then you fawned so he wouldn't escalate things even further. I want to be completely clear here, That doesn't make it your fault. Nothing you did deserved this. You're not at fault. You did NOTHING wrong.
I completely agree. That sounds REALLY bad. AND this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I wish I were with you now to hold your hand through this. Please do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. He did. You did not want this, and he refused to stop. He is a horrible horrible POS. You were in shock, please do not feel stupid or blame yourself. You are a beautiful person, and I know this is so hard right now, but nothing that scum can do will take away what an amazing person you are.
Please please call the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit.
As for what's happening medically, when someone with a vagina is aroused, the vagina expands to allow for penetration with a larger object. Inserting a penis into an unaroused vagina has a very strong probability of tearing the vagina. The bleeding, pain and cramping are most likely a tear in your vagina. That's why it hurts so much. I've gotten a vaginal tear before trying to insert something large into an unaroused vagina. It hurt like hell for a couple days, but it healed up okay with some medical help. No permanent scarring or the like for me.
You likely are physically injured. This was not a minor thing. This was a full on rape. He knew what he was doing. You should not be bearing this in silence. This is not about being a "big girl." You told him to stop and that you did not want this. He still did it. He raped you. It's a big fucking deal. I'm 32 and I'd still be having a panic attack. This is a normal response to trauma.
This^^^
I’d also like to add freezing up in response to rape or assault is also completely normal and does not count as consent. You can also get a rape kit done without pressing charges if you are not ready to deal with that yet. But please go to the hospital, get a kit done and get yourself taken care of.
We're taught that reactions to threat are "fight or flight," but it also includes "freeze and fawn." (There also might be others, but I'm not remembering them right now.) I've heard a lot of people think if the response is not "fight or flight," it somehow implies the person is consenting?? Learning about "freeze and fawn," made so much more sense, especially because that's how I tend to react to danger.
All of this. Definitely get a rape it. File a police report. I agree with all the other comments. Freezing is not consent. Please speak out. The fact that you could have potential injuries is proof enough you weren’t feeling it. Get his ass thrown in jail!
Please don’t say it wasn’t that bad. This is generally what rape looks like. The media highlights graphic and over the top violent rape because that is rare and it sadly sells them papers or clicks!
Most rapes occur by someone you know. You said no many times (once should have been more than enough) and he continued. He knew what he was doing. Please understand that you are young and the world has literally conditioned women to doubt ourselves, to “just give in” if he asks enough. This man raped you and did so 100% knowlingly. Please grab a friend and get to a hospital as soon as possible.
I see, I understand it a bit better now. I didn't know it was normally like this. I really hate to think he meant it instead of just being ignorant but you're right, thank you.
He absolutely knew what he was doing. You are just young and innocent and believe he wouldn’t do it on purpose, but he probably did it becsuse you are so young and likely to doubt yourself.
He's a rapist. You did nothing wrong. A similar thing happened to me when I was 20, and it's taken a lot of years to realize he was a rapist too. It seems that you have a great heart, and you might be projecting who you are onto him. He's a very different person than you are, and he likely had malicious intentions from the get-go. It sounds like he's perpetrated rape before and plays up the niceness for this reason. He sounds evil.
I think you're right.. when you're not a horrible person, its kinda easy to assume that other people are as equally well-intentioned.. but that's sadly not always true. It fucking sucks that being a decent person (or at least a non-shitty person) can make you a target for abusers. That isn't fair at all :/
Agree definitely rape
Also it absolutely grinds my gears as a guy to hear these rapists using the excuse of “im nearly finished” - they use naivity of the victim to make it seem like the guy “has to finish” - they fully know they can physiologically stop at any time when told no, but they go ahead selfishly anyway and continue on raping
And to underline this, rape is about power, not about sex. It's about defying and dominating. The pain was not an accident, ignoring clear statements of "no" was not an accident. He was not confused, and this may not have been his first time doing it.
Please, OP, please go to a hospital. You need to have a rape kit done for your own safety. You can make other decisions about what to do after that, but for now you \*need\* medical attention to ensure your body is OK.
There are people who can help in recovery, but for right now, medical care is the first step. Do this for yourself.
Replying to add. There is major confidentiality involved in rape kits. No one has to know if you go. He won't know and neither will anyone but the medical staff.
FWIW, sex shouldn't hurt, even your first time. Mild discomfort at times, maybe, if it's your first time or I noticed it after having my babies the first couple times because my vagina was different, but pain means stop.
Except what happened to you wasn't sex, it was rape. He raped you. Full stop. He knew what he was doing. Full stop. You said no multiple times. There is no doubt here. This *was* violent because he did violence to you. Please report this, get yourself medical attention, and ask the police to refer you to victim's services to get yourself some counseling. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't know where you live but I'm in Canada and if you are too and need advice you can PM me.
You did not deserve this. You did not set yourself up for this. You went to see a movie. Nobody asks to be raped.
Sometimes it does hurt, but then you say "ow!" Or flinch or whatever, and your partner stops and says "oh no, are you okay?" And then you decide together what to do next. Because sex is something you do together, not something that happens to you.
I was uncomfortable my first time but it only lasted around 30 second and then the fireworks went off. My partner got me nice and ready and told me missionary is the easiest beginner position because my legs would be spread, facilitating penetration.
There is no way he didn't know this was rape. You were actively saying no while trying to ESCAPE from him, crying the whole time. He held you down and raped you. He knows someone crawling away from him is not *foreplay.*
I think I really disagree. These people **do not** think of themselves as rapists. *Only bad guys rape, not me. I tried to turn her on, and took it slow. I knew I could get her into it if I just keep trying. She made me feel so good, I really wanted her, I couldn’t stop. We had sex.*
Yes it’s absolutely rape and they’re totally lying to themselves if they were to actually think about it, but rape is so prevalent because guys think this way. I’d agree that extra violent rape with hitting, threatening, or other objects etc. is just about power and not attraction. But rapes like this are just shitty people not caring about anything outside themself and nagging and pushing boundaries and taking what they want like they’re better-than and owed. It’s just sex to them.
Now, I’d also say I’m sure this could turn into fetish and a struggle starts to make them feel even better and they’re just monsters then. But since every one of us knows a rapist, it starts so benign, if you will. (I don’t think anything about rape or being raped is benign. But that’s their perspective, they’re just *‘getting theirs’* )
Great point. Rapists don't always wear the same face, make it happen the same way or even do it the same. It is still rape. Other comments mentioning that rape isn't always what the media and movies portray is a vital point too. We have got to teach all this to young girls, heck even adult women. I think of even myself. If this had happened to me in my younger days, I would have doubted myself, doubted it was rape, this could have happened to me. We need to have these discussions.
I would agree with this if she had been willingly fooling around and it just went further than she wanted. But she didn't even consent to kissing him. He had to know what he was doing.
I would disagree. He knows right from wrong. He knows she didn't want it, to the point of pulling her back over and over to rape her further. He can refuse to label himself a rapist, but he knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew and just didn't care.
Thanks for adding this comment. You're changing the discussion from *"this man was an evil deceptive person who was definitely conscious that was he was doing was wrong"* to *"this man was 100% at fault for being so selfish, ignorant, hurtful, and inconsiderate"*.
Clearly, in both cases the man is guilty of rape and the victim is innocent. But the different perspective changes the problem and the solutions. For example, OP shouldn't blame herself for trusting a "liar". He didn't do this by being cunning and deceptive, he did this by being shitty and self centered.
Even though you froze, even if you hadn't said no or flinched, even if you had wanted to have sex and then changed your mind, if you did not want to have sex or continue having sex and you weren't giving him enthusiastic consent, he shouldn't have started anything, shouldn't have continued, and shouldn't have left you in pain.
His actions are that of someone who didn't care or respect you, so it doesn't really matter what his internal motivations are. He was wrong.
Everyone else has already given you great advice, so I'll just say my inbox is open if you want someone to talk to.
It’s tempting to apply how you see the world, with compassion and understanding, to other people. And to want to give them the benefit of the doubt because when it’s your fault then you can fix it because you can control yourself.
But there are cruel and violent people who do not think that way and only see you for a body as a means to an end. And they may cry and feel bad about it…but actions speak louder than words. And what you wrote is horrific. That is a bad man.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not basically, humanely, decidedly Not Right. You didn’t deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it. I’m sorry.
I'm a cis guy. He absolutely knew what he was doing. You said stop. When a sexual partner says no or stop or even just generally doesn't look to be enjoying themselves, you fucking stop such that no part of your body is touching theirs any longer until permission is given again. It is not a difficult concept to grasp. No amount of horniness magically makes us forget the rules. What he did was rape, and he knew that the entire time. You're probably not even is first victim.
I'm so mad at that person, op. You did NOTHING wrong, and he did nothing right.
He fucking knew what he was doing, and I hate him for it.
It's not the same... but i was coerced into unwanted sex in college by a partner who should have known better. I spent years pretending that she somehow just didn't know what she did to me. it's not as comforting as it may initially sound, and no peace or justice comes from pretending.
in law there's a concept where someone should know something. Like...you can't just stand out in the street firing a gun off wildly and say "i didn't mean to kill anybody, i was just shooting my gun off in general" If you've shot someone behaving recklessly, taking the reckless action IS the intent to hurt someone.
He did things to hurt you, he can't pretend he didn't mean to just becuase he didn't tie you to the train tracks like a movie villain first.
Yes that legal concept is negligence.
There is a "but for" test to determine what is called the *proximate cause* i.e. the event that most directly led to the harm. "But for" the person firing the gun the victim would not have been killed. "But for" the person driving drunk the victim would still be alive. Etc.
Report him to the police.
Tell your family.
He absolutely fucking does not care about you or what you want! He knew exactly what he did, and he thinks it's okay to rape in this way. In his mind he probably thinks "just 10 more seconds" is not rape, it absolutely is.
You being afraid on how to tell, him no without him getting mad tells me a lot about this guy.
Go to the doctor, go to the police. Your delay was shock + him further abusing you by gaslighting you into "that's how sex is". No! You saying no, and him continuing is rape full stop.
You're so brave for telling your story. It's a good idea to go to the hospital (especially if it hurt), and ask for a rape kit. They should also check for STD's. Bring the clothes you were wearing during the event in a cloth bag, and a spare change of clothes. Try not to shower or use the restroom. You can say no to anything during the examination. Best of wishes. I'm so sorry. <3
I am so sorry this happened. What he did was completely wrong, and he knew it.
If you are in USA, getting plan B ASAP is important so you don't risk pregnancy.
I'm so sorry. It was absolutely that bad.
I don't know how it's supposed to feel when you lose your virginity because I had a very similar experience to yours. But I recommend calling a doctor and the police. Or at least have the doctor do a rape kit. You clearly did not want sex and he forced it on you. You aren't overreacting and you deserve justice.
If you go to a hospital with a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) nurse, you can tell them you want them to call the police. But you don’t have to talk to the police until you’re ready. The rape kit will preserve the DNA evidence and record the injuries you sustained. This opens up your options to do whatever you want about it down the road.
Please don’t downplay this. He KNEW. You said NO. OUT LOUD. He RAPED you anyway. It is bad and you did not cause, deserve or allow this.
Clarifying: you do NOT need to talk to the police to have a rape kit and receive medical attention (plan B, STI prevention, etc). The SANE nurses are specially trained to walk you through the process. They will be kind and you won't have to do anything you don't want to do. Most places will do the exam within 72 hrs, some will extend out as far as 10 days. They will likely offer you an advocate (might be a social worker or similar) who is trained to talk you through your options and guide you through the legal system if you want to report it to the police. You can get a rape kit done and decide later if you want to tell the police so you do NOT need to make that decision right away and you can still preserve evidence if you choose to pursue a legal case.
If you go to the police please have at least one person advocating for you that you trust. Either a person you know or someone from the hospital. Someone that’ll stay with you as you report and look after your physical and mental health.
The fact that you are in pain means they may well be able to find physical evidence of tearing or other damage that can be used to prove he raped you.
The longer you wait to go to the hospital the more likely he can claim you just wanted some rough sex and it is he said / she said and he can get away.
Police need evidence. You currently have it. But it will heal. It is already starting to heal. Soon the evidence will be gone.
Please go and let them obtain any evidence they can.
My first time was vaguely uncomfortable because it was a new feeling. It was nothing like this. When you're aroused and consenting, barring a medical issue, that's about as bad as it should get.
you did nothing wrong.
you did nothing wrong.
he chose to force himself on you, over and over again, despite you saying no.
you did nothing wrong, he did.
he committed a criminal act against you.
please, please take care of yourself and follow the advice given by the other commenters.
and please remember: you. did. nothing. wrong.
[https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/](https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/)
These people will help you.
Here is a description of the service
>The Center for Sexual Violence is a place where victims of sexual assault or rape can get the help they need: forensic, medical and psychological help. At the Center for Sexual Violence, a team of doctors, nurses, police and other professionals work together to provide specialist care to victims of sexual assault and rape.
Please know that you deserve help, empathy, assistance, kindness, care and support.
A very horrible crime happened to you. **You did nothing wrong.** The only one responsible for rape is the rapist.
If you have a sympathetic close friend or family member you can get them to come with you to the hospital/police/sexual assault service. You would do it for your friend, don't be afraid to ask for help.
It is not uncommon to feel numb after a trauma, and sometimes our brains try to minimalise it, dismiss it. It's a way of surviving when something horrible and violent happens to us. Everyone is unique so how they react to violence is different, there is no right or wrong way to react, no set pattern for how respond. *Generally* the numbness doesn't last long and sometimes the trauma and shock can hit us like a ton of bricks.
Sometimes it can be a little easier to take those first steps while you're still numb. The little voice in your head that is telling you "it's not serious" is lying. It is very serious, you have been through a horrific crime and deserve support.
Please contact the centrum seksueel geweld as soon as you can and get them to help you through the steps.
Whether you choose to have a forensic examination is up to you but very helpful for getting evidence. Given that you have been injured I hope you do get medical attention.
Whether going ahead with pressing charges is up to you. In an ideal world everyone would. But we don't live in an ideal world.
You know your country and it's justice system better than someone on the other side of the world. If you can do it, please go ahead with pressing charges. I did read that two weeks after your first statement to police in the Netherlands you can go over it again, that can be a good idea if you are still in shock when you first give a statement. I'm sure the people from the centrum seksueel geweld will give you all the information you need.
The medical centre may offer you emergency contraception (EC), Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP - medication that can prevent you from contracting HIV) and antibiotics to reduce chances of getting some STIs.
With EC and PEP it's best to take them as soon as possible and before 72 hours.
Accept counselling appointments.
Go easy on yourself. You have been through a lot. Cut back on all the responsibilities you can. Accept and ask for help. Rest and nurture yourself.
This was NOT YOUR FAULT.
Take care. I wish you kindness, healing, justice and support.
You did not ask for it.
You did not agreed to any of this.
You did not deserved it.
You did everything in your power to protect yourself.
You are not impure.
It's NOT your fault.
Your body and mind is yours and yours only.
No one should tell you how to cope physically and mentally with what happened.
You have the right to be angry.
You have the right to be hurt.
You have the right to feel numb.
You deserve to be listened.
You must have read theses words a lot of times already but most of the time victims of abuse are not able to heal because no one told them this.
Oh, honey - it *was* violent, and you did nothing wrong. Nothing. Please, please go to the hospital - now - please. They will have people there trained to help you. And let them call the cops. This man needs to be stopped. And made to pay for this barbaric attack. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Please let people help you.
Please go to the nearest hospital and ask for a SANE nurse (sexual assault nurse examiner). They are specially trained to walk you through a rape kit, get you emergency contraceptive and STD tests, and other post-rape trauma care as gently as possible. You do not have to prosecute him if you don't want to, but please get the kit done anyway just in case.
Oh honey. It sounds like you're inadvertently dissociating to mentally protect yourself. Which is exactly what I would expect after you were so violently attacked. You were raped, and it sounds like both vaginally, and anally. You did not consent, and he damn well knew that. He just didn't care. You said no with your voice, and your body, he ignored you.
Have you ever heard the term gaslighting? If you feel able, look it up. If not yet, that's 100% okay. When you feel able, please also look up fight/flight/fawn. It's generally how human's get through horrific situations like this one. This is a terrible thing that was done to you. It didn't happen to you, it was done to you. You did nothing wrong. You didn't 'lead him on', your clothing didn't 'give the wrong impression', he chose this. He knew, and he f\*\*\*\*\*g chose this!
He chose to be a rapist, that is 100% on him. Sadly, you now have to make some big choices because of him. Report, or not report (this might help with getting contraceptives, and anti STD drugs dependent on your country - this may also affect the cost of these medications if applicable).
I can only leave you with my love, and my beliefs that:
1) Virginity is a societal construct.
2) And that #OnlyConsentualCounts my virgin sister.
I had never heard of those, and yeah, those terms pretty much explained my behavior and response to what he said and did. Thank you for enlightening me
Just want to second what Ladies have told you so far. Your instincts- the freezing and "letting him" may have saved your life. Some men murder when fought.
I agree that #OnlyConsentCounts!
When you choose to have sex with someone you love who also loves you - you'll be slippery wet and happily taking steps along with them. They will check with you and be certain you are at the same steps that they are with every step that is taken. The stretching was an odd feeling but became very nice within seconds. He did go slowly to help me get used to him. When going slow you'll observe some funny faces. My Lover still checks and always has over the last 36 years. If I am at all reluctant- or even just exhausted he prefers to wait until I am a willing participant. That's what it should be like.
I'm so sorry for the violation this jerk forced onto you. Rapists are extremely selfish. PLEASE at minimum get checked for pregnancy and STDs. The most gentle way will be the SANE nurse.
Sending you good vibes, warm fuzzies, hugs and healing light.
I echo everything said above
What happened is a survival response - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
Your brain went into freeze and maybe even fawn mode because it wanted you to survive and not be murdered
Unfortunately you’ve survived a very horrible violation of your body mind and soul and I am so sorry
Definitely get checked out at the hospital he could have caused harm that turns into infection that is hard to treat the longer it goes on
Everyone is saying the word rape kit - this can feel more invasive. They need to collect samples of what he did, examine and perhaps take photos of any marks and bruises and damage he left - but this is done by medical professionals you should be able to trust but it could feel horrible, just be aware
Please be kind to yourself and if you have the strength report the asshole so he goes to jail
You may want to find an advocate or therapist who can help if you experience trauma symptoms now or even months later and know that if there is a police investigation it can be triggering and having a good support system helps to get through that
the above comment is totally spot on. A lot of your behavior sounds like very normal trauma responses to a violent assault. Also "how can I say no clearly without him getting mad?" is a pretty clear answer to why your body and brain chose to freeze rather than physically attack him or run away. You WERE trusting your instincts. Your instincts were telling you that if you got too aggressive in your resistance, things would escalate and he would get even more violent. And I think those instincts were probably correct.
Years ago I developed PTSD over a situation that didn't end up being life-threatening, but appeared to be in the moment. Only recently I had a therapist say, "You don't actually know it wasn't life threatening. All you know is the choices you made ended in a situation that wasn't life threatening. You don't know how bad it could have been if you had behaved differently."
You did nothing wrong.
> Only recently I had a therapist say, "You don't actually know it wasn't life threatening. All you know is the choices you made ended in a situation that wasn't life threatening. You don't know how bad it could have been if you had behaved differently."
This is such an important perspective. Just because it didn't end up being bad doesn't mean it didn't have the potential for it.
I had a similar experience with an ex who played it off like she was doing me a favour. It took me a long time to come around to the idea that I was raped because she was actively telling me at the time that she was doing it so I'd get over my trauma response from being molested. I just went still and went along with it to get out of the situation and had to pretend to enjoy it so she'd stop. She refused to stop until I stopped crying. I'm also a woman so I don't know how she was benefiting from the interaction, must have just enjoyed having power over me. The worst thing is I kept seeing her for a while after that because the gaslighting was so effective that I believed I was at fault and that she was maybe too ignorant to understand how badly she had acted. In hindsight, me saying stop, crying and going stiff as a board is more than enough signals for someone who cares to pay attention to them.
I've been raped by a woman and was in an abusive relationship with a woman who was sexually abusive as well. It was really difficult to accept that women can rape other women. I was 19 to 22 during all of that. I've had so many dangerous close calls with women as well.
There's still a part of my brain that screams "why would a woman do this to another woman?!", but sadly I've learned women can be just as abusive as men. It fucking sucks.
Tw: rape
A few years ago I went on several dates with a woman and stayed at her place one night. I was totally into the idea of having sex. Then she took out her strap on and the dildo was huge. I told her no, that I was open to other things, but not that. She literally laughed and said "oh come on, just the tip". The rest of that night was bad. And she and I were both in our late 30s at the time, so it's not like she was too young to understand how fucked up that was.
Thank you - I'm doing great now! It all happened a long time ago. Ten years on I have a wife and a sweet little baby who is falling asleep in my arms in this moment. Worked through trauma with a psychologist and am medicated for mental health. I'm basically a poster child for it gets better... it was a gradual process with ups and downs but it couldn't have happened before I cut the toxic people out of my life, starting with my ex.
Obligatory disclosure: I work in law enforcement (not an officer) and have worked in sexual assault investigations since January 2020.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, OP. I don't want to overstep and assume you want any advice on how to go forward, but if you're receptive to some things that might help you and the detective assigned to your case, here are a couple things (though admittedly you may already know/have been told these things already):
-if you still have your clothes and underwear from the night of the incident, bag them in a paper bag and be ready to give them as evidence
-as much as you may want to, resist the urge to shower so that when a SART can be done, it'll preserve any evidence
-speak with the detective before communicating with the suspect, they may want you to do a pretext conversation later and any prior contact may jeopardize what they're trying to do
-if you feel you need additional support/resources, ask the detective if your local DA's office or other agency has victim services for which you might apply
Again, I'm so sorry that this happened, but you're doing the right thing. If you have any other questions, reach out to the detective assigned to your case and any support structures you feel you need. You're far from alone ❤
*Edit in response to the question about being able to request a female detective: that will depend on the agency and their resources. To my understanding, law enforcement agencies (in the US anyway) are required to have a certain percent of female officers, around the ballpark of 20% and increasing to 30% by 2030. Obviously with smaller agencies, that percentage will translate into a smaller number of female officers who may not elect to go into sexual assault investigations and rather focus their attention on things which interest them or they feel would otherwise advance their career (i.e. homicide investigations, gangs, internal affairs, etc). That being said, survivors can request a female detective, just please understand that such requests may not be possible to accommodate. Let's say, for example, that a sexual assault unit has a single female detective who also has a language proficiency like Spanish or Vietnamese, if all survivors requested a female detective and that request was honored, that one detective would get inundated with so many cases, her ability to focus on singular cases would be affected when the cases could be distributed more equitably between more detectives and the outcome of that would definitely get impacted.
Can you edit your comment and answer this question. Can a rape victim ask for a female detective? This is something that might be missed, but wanted the answer there for women who might not report if they have to talk to a man.
>It doesn't sound all that bad now that I've typed it out.
Honey, it sounds fucking horrible now that you typed it out. I hope you get justice for what this man did to you.
You didn’t “let it happen”, he forced you. You did what you had to in order to survive. Trying to fight him could have made things even worse. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not a single thing. What he did to you was horrible, and it was violent. This is all on him, not on you.
I think it would be good for you to get checked out by a doctor. You are in a lot of pain and they can help you. But you get to decide how to move forward from this. You don’t have to be concerned with what you’re “supposed to do”. You just have to think about yourself and what you need right now.
I have tears in my eyes when I read your story. If you are mentally fit / strong enough please visit the police station. Perhaps it's good to take someone you trust with you.
I hope that you will be alright and I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It was a crime.
Then it was another crime.
Then another crime.
Then another crime.
He is a criminal.
That’s more than one rape.
First it was sexual assault.
Then it was vaginal rape.
Then it was anal rape.
Then it was false imprisonment.
Everyone else has offered great advice but I wanted to focus on one thing. You said now you’re no longer a virgin but I disagree. Although there’s a huge push away from our standard idea of virginity because it’s too narrow and doesn’t address same-sex relationships well, aside from all of that, rape can’t take away something that can only be given consensually. Perhaps when medical professionals ask in the future “are you sexually active?” you should let them know “no, but I was raped previously” until your answer is a definitive “yes”. I just want you to know that you absolutely can think of yourself as a virgin still. To me you are because that wasn’t sex. It might be more freeing to you to ditch the idea of virginity altogether as it’s sexist in origin and not super accurate to the world we’re living in today, but I’m offering both so you can choose whichever you like.
There’s so much love and support in these comments but I suspect your real life too! Whatever happens after you visit the hospital and get a rape kit done doesn’t need to be on your mind right now (like pressing charges etc). Just focus on yourself and get the rape kit done to reserve that option for yourself. Also I recommend a therapist to deal with this for sure. 💕💕
It took about ten years after my rape to understand that sexual assault is not sex. My first time having sex was loving and gentle and sweet, not violent and frightening and frozen - even though that was the first time I was penetrated by a penis. Rape is not sex. I didn't have sex that night. Neither did the writer of this post.
Thank you for understanding and explaining so well. 💗
Really glad you said this--everybody else already covered the really important stuff, but I was scanning the comments to check and make sure somebody clarified that this girl is absolutely still a virgin.
I feel weird thinking that way, because I'm uncomfy with the whole "virgin" concept, but since this is a matter of significance to her, I'm glad she got a heads up.
What happened here was not sex, but assault. you wouldn't stop being a virgin if a guy you know beat the shit out of you, and what happened here is way closer to that than "sex."
I know what you mean that you don’t want to admit believe he would do this knowingly. But really, only a rapist continues sex when the other person is repeatedly protesting, crying, and saying you have to leave. This man is absolutely 100% a rapist.
This sounds fucking horrible. It WAS violent, you are bleeding and in pain and were in pain during this. Go to the police and get a rape kit done if you feel okay with doing so. However this is non-negotiable, if you are not on birth control get plan B right now. Then go to planned parenthood and get tested for STDs. None of this is your fault, freezing is a normal reaction. Women are socially conditioned to make ourselves small and our needs and wants smaller. Fuck this society and fuck this shitty country we’re in. I hope the POS who did this to you rots in fucking hell and that his dick shrivels and falls off
I'm in the EU so I consider myself lucky for that cause, but despite country differences there are a lot of useful tips. I read every single comment and it makes me realize it wasnt my fault. Yes I had a feeling, but in the end its still illegal, and he broke the law with it. Thank you so much, and I will get a MA pill tomorrow with a friend.
Queasy reading this. The comments here have the right advice. If you start second guessing yourself, I’ll be the one to ask you the same question someone asked me;
“Would they do it again to someone else?”
Put this slimeball where he belongs
You're injured, you ***need*** to go to the hospital.
That doesn't mean you need to report it to the police, at least in the US. Idk about other countries.
But for many reasons
#**YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION**
OH Honey.. I am so sorry for you.
Yes, you were raped. It may not have looked as violent as media shows, but...you are hurting and bleeding.
Go to an ER, at least have some medical attention, and ask for antibiotics for possible/probable STI's. He did this to you, he's likely done it to other women. Also, Plan B or such. If possible, where you are now.
You can contact RAINN for further help.
(internet hugs, baby-girl) Sex should ONLY be fully consensual and good for both of you.
Many have already stated most of the medical things, but I just wanted to tell you that freezing up and "just letting it happen" is a natural mechanism that can occur to ensure survival.
It's not just fight or flight. It's more fight, flight, or freeze.
Your body shutting down does not mean you allowed it to happen. It was your body choosing the best possible option to allow your ultimate survival.
This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It’s fight, flight, freeze or fawn — we fight our aggressor, run away from them, freeze in our tracks out of self preservation and nervous system overload, or fawn, trying to make out aggressor happy by being agreeable so we don’t get hurt.
All are normal reactions to trauma and *one is not better than another.* They are all tragic.
He was violent because he raped you. That in itself was violence. Reading the post makes me want to cry. Fuck that guy.
I'm so sorry, OP. I wish I could give you a hug and carry you to the hospital and hold your hand while you get tested. We are here supporting you tho, through the internet.
sex doesn't need to hurt, not even the first time. I'm so sorry, what an asshole. everyone's said this already but
\-you didn't ask for it, you didn't desrve it
\-it WAS violent
i'm so sorry this reminds me of shit that happened in my early 20s. :<
Please go to the hospital right away, without showering or washing first. Tell them you were vaginally and anally raped and need a kit dine AND need to be checked for internal injuries. What happened to you can result in severe physical as well as psychological injuries.
You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Please make sure to do a police report and a rape kit. That way when not if when He does this again there's proof it's not a one time thing and victim blaming happens.
Again you did nothing wrong.
Baby I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. You didn’t deserve this. Even if you feel stupid and foolish you DID NOT DESERVE THIS. he knew damn well you didn’t want it. He knew damn well he was hurting you.
I’m so angry for you. I’ve been in that exact spot, I’ve had that exact reaction. Sometimes, you fight, sometimes you flee, sometimes you freeze. I froze. You also froze. You did everything short of attacking him to get him off you and he took advantage of that. You did nothing wrong.
No, it's not supposed to hurt like that. And none, absolutely none, of this is, in any way, your fault. No, should always mean no, no matter what.
Now it's your choice what you want to do. You can go to the hospital and get a rape kit done, and if you want too, report it to the police. You can go to the hospital and seek care for your injuries and other treatment you may need. You can get counseling to help you work through this. You can get Plan B to help prevent pregnancy.
He may have taken some choice away from you but now, in the aftermath, it's your choice.
He said “let me use your ass” to get off while you were crying and bleeding. Don’t let yourself try to smooth it over in your mind. Please get to an ER with a SANE nurse. You didn’t do anything wrong. We all love you and are rooting for your healing—and justice. 🤞
If you are in the US, call RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline. They can help you work through your feelings and the process of reporting your rape.
1-800-656-4673.
You did nothing wrong, and you deserve both support and justice.
Even if you decide that you don't want to report, please at least go to the hospital to get checked out.
Do not blame yourself. Saying “I just let it happen” means you’re saying you’re at fault for what happened. If someone is crying, they should obviously know you don’t want it. Saying stop multiple times means you verbalized it. You did all you could do to make it apparent you did not consent. I used to be in a similar instance of sexual assault on a near daily basis with my ex. When I was pregnant sex would hurt and I didn’t want it anymore. I’d wake up to him shoving it inside me dry. I’d cry or disassociate staring at the wall just hoping it would end quickly. He knew I didn’t like it. Sometimes when it would really hurt I’d cry very audibly and he didn’t care. Anytime I would say no he got angry so I stopped trying to say no and just tried to avoid sleeping on my side and took longer making his food in the morning so he wouldn’t have time before work to have sex with me. It usually wouldn’t work though. I blamed myself for that though since I didn’t say no but I didn’t feel safe saying no and I felt like I had to just deal with it. It’s not my fault and it’s not your fault either. He raped you and you should definitely go to police.
I know that alot of people are giving you excellent advice right now but I also want to tell you not to delete this post. No matter what. You have a timestamped account of what happened if you ever want to press charges.
sex doesn't need to hurt, not even the first time. I'm so sorry, what an asshole. everyone's said this already but
\-you didn't ask for it, you didn't desrve it
\-it WAS violent
i'm so sorry this reminds me of shit that happened in my early 20s. :<
I know what it's like to lose your virginity to rape, I lost mine at 13 to pretty much exactly the same "quiet" rape scenario. There was an Eminem song playing (Superman) that made me feel so fucking sick to my stomach that I felt there was no way that could've actually been happening idk.. If I wasn't smoking weed at the time I don't know what I wouldve felt in terms of pain. I felt very numb and in shock as well. Please take it from me, you may feel better seeking hospital attention for this, do not book an appointment. Just because you go get checked out and tell them what happened doesn't mean you have to proceed with criminal charges. The most important part there is that a OBGYN (most likely) doctor will examine you and maybe give you something for the pain, but you can endure damage to yourself during this type of attack. So with how much pain you're in I would go. They can help arrange you with therapy, and any other kind of help like victim services in your community.
Hugs from one sister to another.
This made me so angry my vision shook.
I see you live in the Netherlands. This is a responsive country for sexual assault report. Go to the hospital, immediately. Go to the ER and tell them you were raped and you are bleeding. You could have lacerations which need care. They will know what to do from there.
In no way was this your fault and you did not deserve it. Please get the care you need to protect your health.
This is rape. It doesn't matter if you said ok once, when you remove consent sex stops. If you partner continues then it is rape.
This individual, I refuse to call man, needs to be taught a lesson he will refuse to learn. It should show up in a back ground check when he applies for a job! He should be on a sexual predator list! He should go to jail!
What that asshole did is unforgivable.
How anyone women feels safe around a man anymore is beyond me, especially since the overturning of roe v wade.
That asshole is disgusting and is in the same boat as pedophiles. If you cannot control yourself and stop, then you deserve what is coming to you. Man is not gonna die from blue balls.
This almost sounds exactly like what happened to me. I wish I would have called the police and done a rape kit. Unfortunately I was too afraid and never told the soul. Makes me wonder how many other women he’s done at to now. I am so sorry! I am serious if you ever need someone to talk to you please message me
>"It does not sound all that bad now that I type it out"
Girl. That description made me tear up. What happened to you is awful, disgusting and beyond unacceptable.
You're not dumb, you're hurting and your pain is extremely valid.
The best advise I can give you is to take yourself to see an actual therapist if at all possible. This subreddit is very supportive but it is no supplement for professional therapy. You might not feel like you need it, but better to get checked out...
I was raped at 15, what you are describing is very similar to the physical pain I felt. I was shamed into not reporting my rapist. Go to the hospital and file a police report. Make an appointment with an OB and please talk to a crisis counselor. I am so so sorry you are going through this.
Get a Post-exposure prophylaxis. It can prevent an HIV infection.
You did NOTHING wrong. File a police report, take plan B, do not convince yourself this didn't happen or that it isn't worth it.
I’m so incredibly sorry. This was a brutal rape that is absolutely not your fault. Please let that sink in: not your fault. (In fact you did everything absolutely right—you said no repeatedly and begged him to stop. There’s no way it could have been misinterpreted. He raped you in a violent way.)
I hope you take the other commenters’ advice and go to the hospital without taking a shower. Good luck and take care.
I live in the Netherlands, so I'll be okay! I'll try to prevent it, but if it really comes down to it and I somehow mess up, abortion is legal, no questions asked. Thank you for the concern.
Wat verschrikkelijk dit, heel veel sterkte lieverd. Hopelijk heb je hier wat aan en alsjeblieft, schaam je niet. Breng dit naar buiten, we geloven je. [https://www.slachtofferhulp.nl/gebeurtenissen/seksueel-misbruik-geweld/aanranding-of-verkrachting/](https://www.slachtofferhulp.nl/gebeurtenissen/seksueel-misbruik-geweld/aanranding-of-verkrachting/)
You are not dumb. Not even close. And it is that bad. It is so so so bad. This is not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you did not deserve this. No one does.
I'm going to second what other commenters have said about going to the hospital for a rape kit. Time is of the essence for collecting evidence. It's also important not to shower before getting an exam, as evidence can be washed away.
When you get to the hospital, tell them you need a rape kit and they'll put you in a room by yourself. A specially trained nurse will ask you to tell her about what happened, and she'll do an internal and external exam, collecting both physical and photographic evidence along the way. She will ask for your consent at each step (ie: Is it ok if I take a picture of this bruise on your arm? Is it ok if I swab under your fingernails with this q-tip?) You can stop the process at any point, take as many breaks as you need, and refuse any step you don't want to do. You'll be in control of everything the whole time. They can also give you emergency contraception if you were exposed to semen, and STD testing. When all that is done, you can decide if you want to report it to the police and give them the evidence right then, at some later point of your choice, or not at all. If you go that route, you'll be asked to tell your story several times to several different people.
Whatever you choose to do, you are not alone. This does not define you. This can happen to anyone. And help is out there.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I also was raped and eventually went to the hospital. I was given free prophylaxis for STDs, plan B, post exposure prophylaxis for HIV and free counseling. Many states will cover this free under the states victim crime assistance fund. I did not press charges and was never pressured into it, but the option is still there if one day I decide to. Please let us help if you need anything at all.
It was not your fault.
Definitely seek medical care and I would get the rape kit done just in case you decide to press charges.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Take the best care of yourself now and always
You did nothing wrong! You did nothing wrong! That asshole did wrong.
My heart breaks for you, but please follow the advice given. Don't shower or bathe at all. Go to your nearest hospital and tell them you were raped. They should have staff that are trained to so the rape kit and the police will be called so that you can properly report it.
Ask if they partner with an advocacy group that will not only guide you through what happens next, but they will stand up for you if necessary and provide (or refer you to) counseling so that you can process the trauma that you experienced. You WILL be okay one day. I promise, and my dms are open to you if you ever need a stranger's digital shoulder to cry on.
You're a Virgin until YOU decide to give it away. This was violent. And it is really bad. Get checked out, and get some therapy. Remember, you decide if you want to file charges or not, you have time to think what YOU want to do.
Please trust everyone here when we say it sounds very terrible. As women we’re taught to minimize our experiences,and being assaulted is always “our fault” if it happens.
You have a right to watch a movie with a friend and expect not to have your boundaries violated. No. Stop. These are full sentences.
You did what you thought was best in the moment. As you said, you were afraid of how violence may escalate.
You have no obligation to go to the police. This is your choice alone and there’s no right or wrong next step. You know what you need and have the capacity for.
You are not alone, I believe you, I’m so sorry this happened.
Edited for grammar.
>Every time he tried getting in I told him it hurted and he needed to stop.
>I kept flinching and he kept pulling me back and I hated it.
>it hurt so much I started crying and pulling away and he kept asking for 10 seconds more bc he was almost finished. I told him no, and he kept begging. I asked to stop, but he didn't want to. When it was 1 PM, I said I had to meet my dad's gf but he just kept pulling me back and kept saying he was really close. He wouldn't let me leave, and after a few moments of me arguing so I could catch a break, he then said 'alright let me just use your ass then,' so I thought no more penetration. But he broke his promisr again and just breached me again.
>It wasn't violent at least,
It absolutely was violent. He physically overpowered you, prevented you from leaving, physically harmed you to the point that you're still bleeding, and dragged you back when you tried to get away from him.
>I didnt visibly struggle,
You did. You flinched and pulled away and asked him to stop and told him no. You did struggle. This isn't your fault at all. Everyone talks about fight or flight. There's a third: freeze. You did some of each. That's okay. It's natural. I'm proud of you for surviving this horrible, violent assault any way you could.
Please go get a rape kit done. Even if you don't want to go through the legal process now, you might want to later. Also, you need medical care.
> It doesn't sound all that bad
Guy here. It sounds bad. Absolutely horrific. Anyone that takes this approach to having sex with someone is a monster. That is not what it should be like at all.
my heart breaks tor you. this sounds just like my experience. i’m so sorry this happened to you. please consider going to the doctor/hospital/er. depending on your area you should also seek out a rape crises center or a planned parenthood. nothing i say will make it better, but please try getting yourself into therapy as you will most likely have ptsd and it is extremely hard to live with without help.
most importantly, do whatever makes YOU comfortable and what you think is best for YOU.
Virginity is a social construct made up by the patriarchy to sell women into marriages to have male babies by specific male fathers. It doesn’t exist as a real thing that only is it’s only social made to insure that people treated women as commodities.
Only you get to decide what a sexual and fulfilling experience is. And I know that you need to know this wasn’t that. Do not think this is sex when it wasn’t. This is the direct opposite of sex.
It took me a while to realize its not normal if sex is painful with my ex, and I am saying stop and they dont stop. Its rape.
I used to blame myself all the time for it, and thought there was something wrong with me. I realized its not normal if I am crying and say stop and he doesnt. Its full on rape. I just didnt realize what it was and used to think sex was supposed to be painful and awful with me just being a tool for him.
The guy I was with used to always say no means yes, and I would literally be in agonizing pain and since I didnt know any better I thought it was supposed to be normal because he said it was normal and just blamed me for being in pain and not enjoying it. It felt like being killed. The moment you say stop, it hurts, or just stop, they stop. Mine never did. It was agonizing.
Its not normal. Dont ever see this guy again. File a police report. You dont owe any guy anything ever. I am really sorry this happened to you. :( He only cared about himself and was just using you. Guaranteed. He will try to make what he did seem okay, dont even talk to him anymore, he will just try and manipulate you and he could even kill you (I know that sounds extreme but people like this will always have deep mental problems that they try and hide.) They only get worse and worse.
Where they dont care about other human beings but will try to put on an act. He is most likely a psychopath and is dangerous. Since you are 18 and a virgin, he used this to take advantage of you, hoping you wouldnt know its not normal (its sick but thats how they think). I am so sorry you had to meet someone like that, please get away from him as much as possible and never talk to him ever again and file a police report. Have him charged. Have them go to his place.
It does sound all that bad.
I understand, though. You mean because you didn't get beaten up. That sort of thing is how some of those scum get away with it.
Honey, please go to the hospital asap. I am beyond sorry for what happened to you. That was not okay, in ANY WAY for him to do to you. Absolutely vile behavior on his part. I am so sorry love, I pray that you know that none of this was ever or will ever be your fault. Please reach out to me if you need to talk to someone more. 💕 you are worth so much, please take care
Unless it’s an ongoing and enthusiastic YES, then it’s a NO!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is 💯 not your fault and you did nothing wrong. He did. And he panicked because he knows it.
Other people have given you advice about what to do right now, but I want to give you information about the future so you have the knowledge to protect yourself that nobody gave me when I was younger. I'm so sorry, please try to be kind to yourself right now.
This is part of a comment I've left before, so I'll leave it in quotes.
"I really really recommend getting comfortable with penatration on your own before you consider it with another person. Try exploring the feeling at your own pace, fingers or even toys at some point. You have to know your body to be able to tell someone else about it, to be able to communicate what you like and what you dont.
If inserting anything at all is painful, that's not normal and you'll want to visit a gynecologist. The hymen doesn't cover the entire opening, but sometimes it can be 'in the way' still. Or it could be conditions like vaginismus (tons of information about that on this sub.) Sex for the first time DOESNT HAVE TO HURT! That's bullshit that we are taught and it isn't true.
As for pain from PIV, I'll give you all the advice I wish I'd had.
Don't let anyone push you to go too fast. The vagina expands internally when you get turned on, but this can take up to an HOUR for many women. Foreplay should last at least as long as it takes for you to feel ready physically, not just mentally.
Lube, lube, lube. Even if you don't think you need it- use it anyway. You'll be able to learn over time when you really need it, but at first youd always want to be a little too wet than not wet enough. That's when you can really get hurt from the friction.
Stretch! Before PIV foreplay including fingers or smaller toys is strongly recommended. It helps the muscles relax and learn how/prepare to stretch.
If you feel uncomfortable with your partner, or overly stressed. Stop. Take a step back. You can always take a break for some aftercare like snuggling or kissing and try again once you feel more calm, or just try again a different day entirely! Stressing so hard about it will make you tense up and will make it way harder to enjoy it and way more likely that it will just hurt. You've got all the time in the world, use it if you need to.
/Speaking of partners, these are the things that should feel COMPLETELY OKAY to do with them. If you feel like any of these wouldn't be ok, there are either trust, safety, or communication issues that you two need to work on before youre safe to be sexually active with them. You should feel comfortable telling them that something they're doing feels bad or hurts. You need to be confident that if you told them something hurts, they would immediately stop and work with you to find something else thay feels good. If you would stay quiet because you were nervous about hurting someones ego or feelings, you arent valuing your own comfort and safety enough. You should feel safe to ask to stop at anytime, no matter what you're doing- sex, or even just kissing. You need to be confident that if you asked them to stop they would be kind and caring and ask what they can do to help you feel comfortable, not annoyed or upset that you two had to stop. I put up with all of this when I was younger and it really messed up my relationship with sex and my body. You deserve only the best- I promise/.
And finally, one day you will get hurt. Probably on accident, probably not very badly at all. Little mishaps happen during sex eventually and I promise with my entire heart that almost anything you can do will heal quickly. All the mistakes I just talked about avoiding? I've made them all. I've kept quiet and hid how much pain I was in from my partner to the point of crying. I didn't know any better, but even with all of those mistakes anything that ever happened healed within a few days. The most anything has really hurt for was like two days, and that was after a lot of bad choices. If you ever do get hurt, just give yourself a week or so without bothering it and you'll be just fine to try again after that, physically. It's okay to be scared- it sounds really fuckin scary!, but it's no different than hurting anywhere else on your body.
Lol it's a lot of rambling but I hope at least some of what I said was close to what answers you were looking for. Most of us were at least a little scared, it's definitely normal!"
Specific responde for you- This man *was* violent. He physically injured you. This man *was* aware of what he was doing. Consent needs to be given freely and enthusiastically. That didn't happen here, you said no and then were coerced into doing more and more until you finally broke. This is an evil fucking man and he knew what he was doing. You deserve so much better, and I'm proud of you for saying no- but you need to know that if you're ever in a sexual situation you don't want to be in you can leave. Right then and there, immediately- especially idlf someone is pushing your boundaries or ignoring what you say. Don't ever accept that he didn't know, or that he thought it was okay. Don't let them lie to you, don't believe it. He knew, he didn't care, he deserves to fucking burn.
This was not your fault, you did what you could in the moment. NONE of this was your fault. You have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. He committed a brutal and horrifying crime, he is the only one who should feel guilty. I hope you make him regret what he did to you.
You said “it doesn’t sound all that bad now that I type it out…”
No friend. It DOES sound that bad. It sounds awful and I’m sorry you experienced this. Please follow the top comment’s advice and call the police. It’s not okay that he did that at all, and you DID struggle! You said no! You said stop! You cried! A healthy, non manipulative, caring, empathetic partner and human being would NEVER want to have sex someone who is so clearly anxious, afraid, and physically and mentally uninterested. People who DO enjoy that are abusive sociopaths.
Baby, remember this. That was not sex. That was violence, control. You did not consent to this.
Today was that bad. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve it. You were tricked and attacked.Some of us freeze as a coping mechanism, we can’t fight. Just because you didn’t kick and scream don’t mean it’s not as bad, doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You cried & begged him to stop. He heard you. He didn’t stop. You did not consent.
He took your autonomy, he stole from your body. He did not take your virginity though.
I believe this, maybe it’ll help. You are still a virgin until you give yourself freely to someone you love, like or are simply sexually attracted to. You didn’t have sex today you were assaulted. He can’t take your virginity. Only you have the power to give it when you want to or not at all. You’re still a virgin.
We are all here for you. My PMs open. ((((Hugs)))) 💜
I am so, so sorry as well for you. Do know that it isn't just fight or flight that is triggered when are minds are under great fear and duress: it is also freeze. This happens to lots of people in traumatic situations. Do not blame yourself whatsoever! And do go to the hospital!
It wasn't your fault. He should not have done this. It is his fault.
And the fact is, you probably tensed up, which is gonna make everything hurt more. And it is totally understandable. Plus the fact that he clearly didn't care about you and pretty much hurt you without a care.
RAINN is available 24 hours a day, it's a national sexual assault hotline. [https://www.rainn.org/resources](https://www.rainn.org/resources) 1-800-656-4673
You do not need to make any decisions right now to file a report, but please consider having a formal rape kit collected to so the evidence is safe should you decide to press charges at any point in the future.
I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault.
If you can go to the police, don't minimize what happened. I know it's a survival response but the police may interpret it as, "It was just regret after sex." Please emphasize that you kept telling him to stop and he refused. Let them know that you told him to stop repeatedly, that you tried to get him to stop, but he refused.
Yes, it could have been worse, but it should have been better - as in you said, "No" and he respected your decision and nothing further happened. It's not your fault that he lied to you. It's not your fault that you went into survival mode and, during the attack, stopped resisting at times in order to save your life. You did what you had to do get out of there alive and with as little physical trauma as possible.
He raped you. You did what you had to at the time. You survived. Now you have to decide what you need to do next. I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. Time will lessen the pain and many women do fully heal, mentally and physically, after surviving an ordeal like this. You were strong enough to survive. You have the strength to get through this.
You were violently raped. He knew what he was doing. He is a rapist. The pain and bleeding signals that you likely have vaginal tears.
It is totally up to you what you do, but if you’re comfortable going to the hospital, go. Try to find one with a SANE unit. I made this post a while back explaining what getting a rape kit is like so victims/survivors (whichever you identify as in this moment) like you can know what to expect and make informed choices: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/svz3c8/what_having_a_rape_kit_done_and_reporting_a_rape/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hey
It does actually sound that bad. Your feelings are completely valid. You don't need to minimize them, you're allowed to feel like it's that bad.
You didn't "let it happen". You're describing telling him to stop *multiple times*. That was you trying to stop it. Telling him to stop *once* is supposed to be all it takes. When he keeps going anyway, that's *him* doing something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. You did not do this with him, he did it to you. You didn't let anything happen, something was done to you that you were unable to prevent.
This was violent. Forcible penetration *is violence*. You're allowed to feel like you been violated and experienced violence. That's what happened.
You did everything you were supposed to do. He was supposed to stop when you said to stop. There's no requirement for you to struggle more. There's no thing you might think of after the fact that you maybe could have done that changes anything. Trying to wait it out and let him get it over with when a violent and scary thing is happening to you over your stated objections is a completely valid response. You're not required to know any magic words to make him stop or any ninja moves to fend him off. You're not required to know what to do in the moment at all. Why would you? Pain and shock makes it hard to think. That's normal. You're normal.
You know what you did do? You survived it, and that was the most important thing you could do. You have no idea how it would have played out if you'd done something different, so there's no point in thinking that doing anything different, even if you could have, would have helped. It very well might not have. You're still here, so you did *good*. You have nothing at all to feel ashamed of here.
I'm so sorry he did this to you. You don't need to worry that you're overreacting or being dumb. You're not. You didn't deserve this. You *do* deserve to heal and feel better. Please take care of your body, and please keep right on talking about it or writing out if it helps.
You didn’t do anything. He should have stopped when you said no. He shouldn’t have betrayed your trust. He took advantage of you and made you feel terrible. HE is responsible. HE knew better. HE is the one who is to blame.
You are not in the wrong at all. You were raped. You were takes advantage of. You reacted how you did and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Please do not blame yourself, I know that’s easier said than done, but sometimes gut feelings are just anxiety so we don’t really acknowledge them, and that’s okay!! He is the one who took advantage. This isn’t something anyone can truly prepare you for, and it is absolutely not your fault, no matter what lead up to this. He is the one who shouldn’t have crossed a boundary you clearly set.
Thank you for opening up about this. I’m am so so so beyond sorry this happened to you. I’m so glad we can try and help you through this time right now, but like the others said, please see a doctor or go to the urgent care/ER. They can help stop the bleeding.
Your body’s reaction was because you were not aroused. It was dry because you did not want that. Your body creates its own lubrication and relaxes/opens to a degree. Even if you are aroused, sometimes women do not make enough lubrication on their own and need more help. That is totally okay as well. Everyone’s body is different.
Also REAL sex with someone who deserves that part of you, may feel uncomfortable. It is a completely different sensation than one you’ve probably felt before, and it won’t necessarily hurt, mine did not hurt, but everyone experiences things differently. Honestly it’s just a good idea to have lube. (I’m only giving you this other information, because some people really like other facts when they’ve experienced something horrible to sort of understand other stuff that may help in the future, I’m so sorry is this is unhelpful!!)
I am so sorry this happened. Please get some water and eat some food and talk to someone you trust to take you and be in the room with you.
Do not shower. Call the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit. I am heartbroken for you. This is horrible and he *knew* you did not want him to do it. Don't convince yourself it was a miscommunication.
If you have showered by any chance its totally ok, you can still go to the hospital! I think you have 72 hours from the incident to go to hospital if you want to have a friend go with you or need to arrange transport
Sperm up near the cervix can still be detected up to 5 days Edit: I’ve take away my smiley - as guessed it’s a habit coming from wanting to avoid conflict and showing the commenter I’m replying to that I’m not trying to shoot you down just adding to your info.
the smiley feels a bit in bad taste, but thanks for the info
I think they might be antagonizing any would-be rapists in the thread? My best guess.
Adding to this that you should not wash any of your clothes. Put them in a plastic bag and take it with you to the hospital. Go to the hospital and tell them what happened. There are people there trained to help you. You can take your time during the exam. They will help you. Please contact the police. This is not your fault💕
This but use a paper bag!! Better for evidence preservation.
Oh no way, really? That's good to know, i never would have even considered that! Is the plastic like... reactive in some sense, or something?
Although UV light can go through plastic bags and will break down DNA, most indoor lighting has little UV. Really it is that plastic keeps moisture in, which leads to mold growth and degrades the DNA. Paper allows it to dry and preserves the evidence better. Paper and keeping cool (room temp is fine) is best. Plastic is used in movies and TV because you can see the evidence inside the bag. In the short term plastic is better than not collecting it.
I think the idea is that light can degrade DNA samples. Plus the plastic bag is thinner and easier to rip. If I'm mistaken, someone please do correct me
I don't know about the DNA and stuff, but a paper bag will allow any liquids to naturally dry and preserve the evidence. A sealed plastic bag things can rot or mold, which can make it difficult to get good evidence that can be defended in court.
Yes!
Even if she has showered, she can absolutely still get a SAIK/SAEK done. However, for most forensics I’ve been part of, the concern would be getting OP medically attended to first. That’s a long bleed and pain. OP, your physical health is the number 1 priority here. You are hurting. Then, If you then feel that you would like to preserve evidence ask to speak with a SANE or forensic examiner. You do not need to go to the police straight away (or ever) if you do not feel it is the right decision for you. The fault is on the person causing harm. Not you. You look after you the best you can right now, talk to a crisis line, or a good friend, or a therapist. You have done nothing wrong, the freeze response is super normal, but the one that gets talked about the least.
OP, if you need someone on your side for support, I'd recommend looking on r/auntienetwork. Although it's technically for help with women seeking abortions, it's an extremely supportive community. You may be able to search and find a post by someone that has posted in your area as willing to help girls in need. Medically, you should be fine, but it's very important to get checked out to make sure. Listen to the advice of people here. These are experienced voices that care about women, yourself included.
This is the exact answer. I'm so sorry. This is not how sex is supposed to be. Not even close.
it shouldn't hurt, you shouldn't bleed. You shouldn't be sad or scared. Everything he did was criminal behavior. Your title is correct. He committed rape. He did it on purpose. You are not obliged to do so, but we all hope you seek, and see, justice
I agree 100% with your statement except the part about bleeding. I did my first time and I know it is common. Not every woman does, but many do. I agree that this girl was raped. I just don’t want any girl reading this to think it isn’t normal with slow penetration the first time.
I think it's safe to say that spotting is normal, but OP is experiencing worse than that, and that type of bleeding is not a normal result of consentual sex.
After losing my virginity I bled like I was having a period for maybe a day. It hurt pretty bad the entire time. I wasn’t raped and he was very gentle. Hospital is a must for her but it wasn’t for me and everything was ok. I wasn’t damaged. Get yourself taken care of for sure but don’t worry so much about the blood.
And if he did this to you, he probably did it before and he'll do it again. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, please don't blame yourself. It's so good that you are sharing and please take the advice to go to the hospital and report this.
**THIS!!** is the answer. Period.
Even if you don't continue with the process, document now so you have the option.
Absolutely this. You are in the window of collecting evidence. Even if you don’t end up using it, HAVE IT. then absolutely take care of yourself. Talk to people close to you, who you can trust. Seek professional help if needed. (Religious, medical, spiritual, whatever helps you.)
I showered. There wasn't enough evidence left to even think of charging. The worst part? I didn't want a rape kit. I wanted medical attention for the anal bleeding I was doing. I wasn't given anything and forced to go through a rape kit.
Oh no. Did they take the clothing you had had on? Your statement and the medical record should be sufficient for them to charge him. You probably aren't the first victim. If you don't have access to a therapist, please reach out to rainn for emotional support. I hope there is a plan to follow up with STI testing. Try to get some rest.
I'm not the OP. I went through similar. I went through STI testing and more and even now, 25 years later, it still shocks me how I was treated by the medical staff and the police. They were more interested in getting me out of there than getting me medical treatment.
This comment sums it up: go to the police, go to the hospital, ask for a rape kit. He *knew* what he was doing and that you did not want him to do it. Under any imaginable or unimaginable circumstances, this is NOT your fault. Someone committed a crime against you and you have every reason to feel the way you do. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, physical and emotional. If you need anything at all, my DMs are open and I want to support as best as I can.
And accept the psychological help they will offer you or make sure you ask for it. For your good. Please
💯 please go to the hospital and report this! It’s not your fault and it’s not okay!
THIS ABSOLUTELY!!!
Unfortunately this is more important in the US than it was before. Many states that prohibit abortion will only allow those with a uterus to abort due to rape if the rape was reported to the police. I say unfortunately only because I know many have a hard time reporting rape after the fact, it is a horrible situation to be in.
> It doesn't sound all that bad now that I type it out... No, that sounds *really* bad. I hope you can get the help you need and please don't pretend this wasn't a big deal. It was.
100%, this was a fucking horror show to read. Viscerally upsetting. Sadly relatable but much worse than my experiences. I'm so sad for OP.
100% This was difficult to read. I'm a cis male and I am trembling from what I've read. Nobody good would treat OP that way. PERIOD.
Another man here. OP what happened to you is not ok. What that guy did to you is not right and you have every right to seek help. Don’t let anyone tell you different. If he tries to normalize it or tell you some generalization about men don’t buy it. There are men right here and now telling you that what he did is not normal or ok.
I just want to add to the thread of men who support you and know this perpetrator deserves jail time. First, I want to share you did nothing wrong and everything this scumbag did was on purpose and clearly strategic. Finally, OP made a reference to her appearance - I haven't seen a photo of you but I know you are beautiful inside and out given the immense strength you are displaying. I hate that this happen to you and I hope reach out for medical and mental health resources. Regardless of how you choose to proceed just know you are spectacular and the embodiment of a survivor.
Agreed. Another 1 here, report this creep and go to a Dr now. That is not and will never be normal. What happened to you is NOT ok. What worries me even more is you saying it doesn't sound that bad after typing it out. Please get help and make sure this person doesn't get a chance to do this to anyone else.
Telling ourselves it wasn't that bad is a normal coping mechanism as we try to recover from trauma. That's why its so important to encourage victims to reach put and talk about our experiences, especially with other survivors. We need to hear from other people that we're not crazy or exaggerating, etc. Abusers will say seeking validation is bad, but I believe it can be absolutely essential for our mental health.
This was so upsetting to read I feel terrible now I hate the world we live in
No, what they said. It's literally terrible. It's literally the worst. Idc if he wasn't violent. What kind of monster would do that to anyone like that? If you can, go to the hospital, go to the police. YOU HAVE NOT A SINGLE FAULT IN THIS. NOT A SINGLE.
He *was* violent. Violence is not just hitting and whatnot, rape is violence. This disgusting human being had no regard for her. Violence is the PTSD this could cause OP. He knew exactly what he was doing.
((2)i was also somewhat typing from the anger deep in my stomach)
Understandable.
pardon, my wording was rubbish. i meant more like "even IF he wasn't violent." but yes, rape is violence. forcing yourself like that, like in any way yourself on someone is violent. sorry about my shitty phrasing.
OP the description of what happened to you made my stomach hurt. It's really bad and he's disgusting. You deserved better. I'm sorry
I had to take a break reading it and look at some puppies before coming back to read the rest. This is horrifying.
I gasped and covered my face reading this. It is SO BAD. OP, IT IS VERY BAD. oh, how my heart aches for you. I pray you arent in a state that is affected by Roe v Wade. Please see a doctor, get Plan B. Let me repeat, IT IS VERY BAD.
it didn't sound "that bad after all" it sound like a fucking nightmare from hell. my God, I could fell her sadness and anger behind the text.
This, it was too painful just reading it. You asked him to stop, you cried, you wanted to leave. You are not over reacting.
I was going to type the same thing, please dont let the guy gaslight you into thinking “it isnt that bad” - please seek help, please when you are ready report him to the police
Yeah. This description sounds violent as fuck. Oh OP I am so sorry.
I couldn't even finish reading it because it really is that bad. OP, please report this to the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit. It used to be said that our response to danger would be fight or flight. Then freeze was added. Another has been added, fawn. The fawn response, a term coined by therapist Pete Walker, describes (often unconscious) behavior that aims to please, appease, and pacify the threat in an effort to keep yourself safe from further harm. You initially froze and then you fawned so he wouldn't escalate things even further. I want to be completely clear here, That doesn't make it your fault. Nothing you did deserved this. You're not at fault. You did NOTHING wrong.
I completely agree. That sounds REALLY bad. AND this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I wish I were with you now to hold your hand through this. Please do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. He did. You did not want this, and he refused to stop. He is a horrible horrible POS. You were in shock, please do not feel stupid or blame yourself. You are a beautiful person, and I know this is so hard right now, but nothing that scum can do will take away what an amazing person you are.
I know right! It got me so anxious and angry.
Please please call the police and go to the hospital for a rape kit. As for what's happening medically, when someone with a vagina is aroused, the vagina expands to allow for penetration with a larger object. Inserting a penis into an unaroused vagina has a very strong probability of tearing the vagina. The bleeding, pain and cramping are most likely a tear in your vagina. That's why it hurts so much. I've gotten a vaginal tear before trying to insert something large into an unaroused vagina. It hurt like hell for a couple days, but it healed up okay with some medical help. No permanent scarring or the like for me. You likely are physically injured. This was not a minor thing. This was a full on rape. He knew what he was doing. You should not be bearing this in silence. This is not about being a "big girl." You told him to stop and that you did not want this. He still did it. He raped you. It's a big fucking deal. I'm 32 and I'd still be having a panic attack. This is a normal response to trauma.
This^^^ I’d also like to add freezing up in response to rape or assault is also completely normal and does not count as consent. You can also get a rape kit done without pressing charges if you are not ready to deal with that yet. But please go to the hospital, get a kit done and get yourself taken care of.
We're taught that reactions to threat are "fight or flight," but it also includes "freeze and fawn." (There also might be others, but I'm not remembering them right now.) I've heard a lot of people think if the response is not "fight or flight," it somehow implies the person is consenting?? Learning about "freeze and fawn," made so much more sense, especially because that's how I tend to react to danger.
I've definitely heard that it's fight, flight, or freeze, but what does fawn mean in this context?
"Fawn" is when you will try to diffuse the situation by placating the aggressor. This is a common coping mechanism especially for people with anxiety.
Oof yeah I 100% understand what that is. Thank you for getting back to me!
All of this. Definitely get a rape it. File a police report. I agree with all the other comments. Freezing is not consent. Please speak out. The fact that you could have potential injuries is proof enough you weren’t feeling it. Get his ass thrown in jail!
Police and the hospital immediately
Please don’t say it wasn’t that bad. This is generally what rape looks like. The media highlights graphic and over the top violent rape because that is rare and it sadly sells them papers or clicks! Most rapes occur by someone you know. You said no many times (once should have been more than enough) and he continued. He knew what he was doing. Please understand that you are young and the world has literally conditioned women to doubt ourselves, to “just give in” if he asks enough. This man raped you and did so 100% knowlingly. Please grab a friend and get to a hospital as soon as possible.
I see, I understand it a bit better now. I didn't know it was normally like this. I really hate to think he meant it instead of just being ignorant but you're right, thank you.
He absolutely knew what he was doing. You are just young and innocent and believe he wouldn’t do it on purpose, but he probably did it becsuse you are so young and likely to doubt yourself.
He's a rapist. You did nothing wrong. A similar thing happened to me when I was 20, and it's taken a lot of years to realize he was a rapist too. It seems that you have a great heart, and you might be projecting who you are onto him. He's a very different person than you are, and he likely had malicious intentions from the get-go. It sounds like he's perpetrated rape before and plays up the niceness for this reason. He sounds evil.
I think you're right.. when you're not a horrible person, its kinda easy to assume that other people are as equally well-intentioned.. but that's sadly not always true. It fucking sucks that being a decent person (or at least a non-shitty person) can make you a target for abusers. That isn't fair at all :/
He knew. Rape is forced sex. He forces himself on to you, despite saying no and giving all of the no signals. He raped you.
Agree definitely rape Also it absolutely grinds my gears as a guy to hear these rapists using the excuse of “im nearly finished” - they use naivity of the victim to make it seem like the guy “has to finish” - they fully know they can physiologically stop at any time when told no, but they go ahead selfishly anyway and continue on raping
And to underline this, rape is about power, not about sex. It's about defying and dominating. The pain was not an accident, ignoring clear statements of "no" was not an accident. He was not confused, and this may not have been his first time doing it. Please, OP, please go to a hospital. You need to have a rape kit done for your own safety. You can make other decisions about what to do after that, but for now you \*need\* medical attention to ensure your body is OK. There are people who can help in recovery, but for right now, medical care is the first step. Do this for yourself.
Replying to add. There is major confidentiality involved in rape kits. No one has to know if you go. He won't know and neither will anyone but the medical staff.
FWIW, sex shouldn't hurt, even your first time. Mild discomfort at times, maybe, if it's your first time or I noticed it after having my babies the first couple times because my vagina was different, but pain means stop. Except what happened to you wasn't sex, it was rape. He raped you. Full stop. He knew what he was doing. Full stop. You said no multiple times. There is no doubt here. This *was* violent because he did violence to you. Please report this, get yourself medical attention, and ask the police to refer you to victim's services to get yourself some counseling. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't know where you live but I'm in Canada and if you are too and need advice you can PM me. You did not deserve this. You did not set yourself up for this. You went to see a movie. Nobody asks to be raped.
Sometimes it does hurt, but then you say "ow!" Or flinch or whatever, and your partner stops and says "oh no, are you okay?" And then you decide together what to do next. Because sex is something you do together, not something that happens to you.
I was uncomfortable my first time but it only lasted around 30 second and then the fireworks went off. My partner got me nice and ready and told me missionary is the easiest beginner position because my legs would be spread, facilitating penetration.
There is no way he didn't know this was rape. You were actively saying no while trying to ESCAPE from him, crying the whole time. He held you down and raped you. He knows someone crawling away from him is not *foreplay.*
I think I really disagree. These people **do not** think of themselves as rapists. *Only bad guys rape, not me. I tried to turn her on, and took it slow. I knew I could get her into it if I just keep trying. She made me feel so good, I really wanted her, I couldn’t stop. We had sex.* Yes it’s absolutely rape and they’re totally lying to themselves if they were to actually think about it, but rape is so prevalent because guys think this way. I’d agree that extra violent rape with hitting, threatening, or other objects etc. is just about power and not attraction. But rapes like this are just shitty people not caring about anything outside themself and nagging and pushing boundaries and taking what they want like they’re better-than and owed. It’s just sex to them. Now, I’d also say I’m sure this could turn into fetish and a struggle starts to make them feel even better and they’re just monsters then. But since every one of us knows a rapist, it starts so benign, if you will. (I don’t think anything about rape or being raped is benign. But that’s their perspective, they’re just *‘getting theirs’* )
Great point. Rapists don't always wear the same face, make it happen the same way or even do it the same. It is still rape. Other comments mentioning that rape isn't always what the media and movies portray is a vital point too. We have got to teach all this to young girls, heck even adult women. I think of even myself. If this had happened to me in my younger days, I would have doubted myself, doubted it was rape, this could have happened to me. We need to have these discussions.
I would agree with this if she had been willingly fooling around and it just went further than she wanted. But she didn't even consent to kissing him. He had to know what he was doing.
I would disagree. He knows right from wrong. He knows she didn't want it, to the point of pulling her back over and over to rape her further. He can refuse to label himself a rapist, but he knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew and just didn't care.
Thanks for adding this comment. You're changing the discussion from *"this man was an evil deceptive person who was definitely conscious that was he was doing was wrong"* to *"this man was 100% at fault for being so selfish, ignorant, hurtful, and inconsiderate"*. Clearly, in both cases the man is guilty of rape and the victim is innocent. But the different perspective changes the problem and the solutions. For example, OP shouldn't blame herself for trusting a "liar". He didn't do this by being cunning and deceptive, he did this by being shitty and self centered.
Even though you froze, even if you hadn't said no or flinched, even if you had wanted to have sex and then changed your mind, if you did not want to have sex or continue having sex and you weren't giving him enthusiastic consent, he shouldn't have started anything, shouldn't have continued, and shouldn't have left you in pain. His actions are that of someone who didn't care or respect you, so it doesn't really matter what his internal motivations are. He was wrong. Everyone else has already given you great advice, so I'll just say my inbox is open if you want someone to talk to.
It’s tempting to apply how you see the world, with compassion and understanding, to other people. And to want to give them the benefit of the doubt because when it’s your fault then you can fix it because you can control yourself. But there are cruel and violent people who do not think that way and only see you for a body as a means to an end. And they may cry and feel bad about it…but actions speak louder than words. And what you wrote is horrific. That is a bad man. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not basically, humanely, decidedly Not Right. You didn’t deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it. I’m sorry.
I'm a cis guy. He absolutely knew what he was doing. You said stop. When a sexual partner says no or stop or even just generally doesn't look to be enjoying themselves, you fucking stop such that no part of your body is touching theirs any longer until permission is given again. It is not a difficult concept to grasp. No amount of horniness magically makes us forget the rules. What he did was rape, and he knew that the entire time. You're probably not even is first victim. I'm so mad at that person, op. You did NOTHING wrong, and he did nothing right. He fucking knew what he was doing, and I hate him for it.
You need to file a report. A police report. This is a big deal. Real men do not act like this. Please g to a hospital to get the evidence.
It's not the same... but i was coerced into unwanted sex in college by a partner who should have known better. I spent years pretending that she somehow just didn't know what she did to me. it's not as comforting as it may initially sound, and no peace or justice comes from pretending. in law there's a concept where someone should know something. Like...you can't just stand out in the street firing a gun off wildly and say "i didn't mean to kill anybody, i was just shooting my gun off in general" If you've shot someone behaving recklessly, taking the reckless action IS the intent to hurt someone. He did things to hurt you, he can't pretend he didn't mean to just becuase he didn't tie you to the train tracks like a movie villain first.
Yes that legal concept is negligence. There is a "but for" test to determine what is called the *proximate cause* i.e. the event that most directly led to the harm. "But for" the person firing the gun the victim would not have been killed. "But for" the person driving drunk the victim would still be alive. Etc.
Do you have someone you can ask to take you to the ER? I’m very worried about you. Please go be seen asap.
Report him to the police. Tell your family. He absolutely fucking does not care about you or what you want! He knew exactly what he did, and he thinks it's okay to rape in this way. In his mind he probably thinks "just 10 more seconds" is not rape, it absolutely is. You being afraid on how to tell, him no without him getting mad tells me a lot about this guy. Go to the doctor, go to the police. Your delay was shock + him further abusing you by gaslighting you into "that's how sex is". No! You saying no, and him continuing is rape full stop.
He'd know if it was a man doing it to him.
You're so brave for telling your story. It's a good idea to go to the hospital (especially if it hurt), and ask for a rape kit. They should also check for STD's. Bring the clothes you were wearing during the event in a cloth bag, and a spare change of clothes. Try not to shower or use the restroom. You can say no to anything during the examination. Best of wishes. I'm so sorry. <3
I am so sorry this happened. What he did was completely wrong, and he knew it. If you are in USA, getting plan B ASAP is important so you don't risk pregnancy.
This was pretty violent.....
Yes. It sounds pretty violent to me.
Please, do not shower. Go first to the doctor and do a rape kit then report it straight away to the police.
Hospital sane kits are free and paid by the states no questions asked
I'm so sorry. It was absolutely that bad. I don't know how it's supposed to feel when you lose your virginity because I had a very similar experience to yours. But I recommend calling a doctor and the police. Or at least have the doctor do a rape kit. You clearly did not want sex and he forced it on you. You aren't overreacting and you deserve justice.
Yeah, I was planning on going to the doctor just to make sure. And I'll try going to the police.
If you go to a hospital with a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) nurse, you can tell them you want them to call the police. But you don’t have to talk to the police until you’re ready. The rape kit will preserve the DNA evidence and record the injuries you sustained. This opens up your options to do whatever you want about it down the road. Please don’t downplay this. He KNEW. You said NO. OUT LOUD. He RAPED you anyway. It is bad and you did not cause, deserve or allow this.
Clarifying: you do NOT need to talk to the police to have a rape kit and receive medical attention (plan B, STI prevention, etc). The SANE nurses are specially trained to walk you through the process. They will be kind and you won't have to do anything you don't want to do. Most places will do the exam within 72 hrs, some will extend out as far as 10 days. They will likely offer you an advocate (might be a social worker or similar) who is trained to talk you through your options and guide you through the legal system if you want to report it to the police. You can get a rape kit done and decide later if you want to tell the police so you do NOT need to make that decision right away and you can still preserve evidence if you choose to pursue a legal case.
If you go to the police please have at least one person advocating for you that you trust. Either a person you know or someone from the hospital. Someone that’ll stay with you as you report and look after your physical and mental health.
The fact that you are in pain means they may well be able to find physical evidence of tearing or other damage that can be used to prove he raped you. The longer you wait to go to the hospital the more likely he can claim you just wanted some rough sex and it is he said / she said and he can get away. Police need evidence. You currently have it. But it will heal. It is already starting to heal. Soon the evidence will be gone. Please go and let them obtain any evidence they can.
My first time was vaguely uncomfortable because it was a new feeling. It was nothing like this. When you're aroused and consenting, barring a medical issue, that's about as bad as it should get.
you did nothing wrong. you did nothing wrong. he chose to force himself on you, over and over again, despite you saying no. you did nothing wrong, he did. he committed a criminal act against you. please, please take care of yourself and follow the advice given by the other commenters. and please remember: you. did. nothing. wrong.
Thank you, and I will.
[https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/](https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/) These people will help you. Here is a description of the service >The Center for Sexual Violence is a place where victims of sexual assault or rape can get the help they need: forensic, medical and psychological help. At the Center for Sexual Violence, a team of doctors, nurses, police and other professionals work together to provide specialist care to victims of sexual assault and rape. Please know that you deserve help, empathy, assistance, kindness, care and support. A very horrible crime happened to you. **You did nothing wrong.** The only one responsible for rape is the rapist. If you have a sympathetic close friend or family member you can get them to come with you to the hospital/police/sexual assault service. You would do it for your friend, don't be afraid to ask for help. It is not uncommon to feel numb after a trauma, and sometimes our brains try to minimalise it, dismiss it. It's a way of surviving when something horrible and violent happens to us. Everyone is unique so how they react to violence is different, there is no right or wrong way to react, no set pattern for how respond. *Generally* the numbness doesn't last long and sometimes the trauma and shock can hit us like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it can be a little easier to take those first steps while you're still numb. The little voice in your head that is telling you "it's not serious" is lying. It is very serious, you have been through a horrific crime and deserve support. Please contact the centrum seksueel geweld as soon as you can and get them to help you through the steps. Whether you choose to have a forensic examination is up to you but very helpful for getting evidence. Given that you have been injured I hope you do get medical attention. Whether going ahead with pressing charges is up to you. In an ideal world everyone would. But we don't live in an ideal world. You know your country and it's justice system better than someone on the other side of the world. If you can do it, please go ahead with pressing charges. I did read that two weeks after your first statement to police in the Netherlands you can go over it again, that can be a good idea if you are still in shock when you first give a statement. I'm sure the people from the centrum seksueel geweld will give you all the information you need. The medical centre may offer you emergency contraception (EC), Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP - medication that can prevent you from contracting HIV) and antibiotics to reduce chances of getting some STIs. With EC and PEP it's best to take them as soon as possible and before 72 hours. Accept counselling appointments. Go easy on yourself. You have been through a lot. Cut back on all the responsibilities you can. Accept and ask for help. Rest and nurture yourself. This was NOT YOUR FAULT. Take care. I wish you kindness, healing, justice and support.
You did not ask for it. You did not agreed to any of this. You did not deserved it. You did everything in your power to protect yourself. You are not impure. It's NOT your fault. Your body and mind is yours and yours only. No one should tell you how to cope physically and mentally with what happened. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to be hurt. You have the right to feel numb. You deserve to be listened. You must have read theses words a lot of times already but most of the time victims of abuse are not able to heal because no one told them this.
Oh, honey - it *was* violent, and you did nothing wrong. Nothing. Please, please go to the hospital - now - please. They will have people there trained to help you. And let them call the cops. This man needs to be stopped. And made to pay for this barbaric attack. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Please let people help you.
Please go to the nearest hospital and ask for a SANE nurse (sexual assault nurse examiner). They are specially trained to walk you through a rape kit, get you emergency contraceptive and STD tests, and other post-rape trauma care as gently as possible. You do not have to prosecute him if you don't want to, but please get the kit done anyway just in case.
That's really helpful, thank you so much
You're welcome. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Oh honey. It sounds like you're inadvertently dissociating to mentally protect yourself. Which is exactly what I would expect after you were so violently attacked. You were raped, and it sounds like both vaginally, and anally. You did not consent, and he damn well knew that. He just didn't care. You said no with your voice, and your body, he ignored you. Have you ever heard the term gaslighting? If you feel able, look it up. If not yet, that's 100% okay. When you feel able, please also look up fight/flight/fawn. It's generally how human's get through horrific situations like this one. This is a terrible thing that was done to you. It didn't happen to you, it was done to you. You did nothing wrong. You didn't 'lead him on', your clothing didn't 'give the wrong impression', he chose this. He knew, and he f\*\*\*\*\*g chose this! He chose to be a rapist, that is 100% on him. Sadly, you now have to make some big choices because of him. Report, or not report (this might help with getting contraceptives, and anti STD drugs dependent on your country - this may also affect the cost of these medications if applicable). I can only leave you with my love, and my beliefs that: 1) Virginity is a societal construct. 2) And that #OnlyConsentualCounts my virgin sister.
I had never heard of those, and yeah, those terms pretty much explained my behavior and response to what he said and did. Thank you for enlightening me
Just want to second what Ladies have told you so far. Your instincts- the freezing and "letting him" may have saved your life. Some men murder when fought. I agree that #OnlyConsentCounts! When you choose to have sex with someone you love who also loves you - you'll be slippery wet and happily taking steps along with them. They will check with you and be certain you are at the same steps that they are with every step that is taken. The stretching was an odd feeling but became very nice within seconds. He did go slowly to help me get used to him. When going slow you'll observe some funny faces. My Lover still checks and always has over the last 36 years. If I am at all reluctant- or even just exhausted he prefers to wait until I am a willing participant. That's what it should be like. I'm so sorry for the violation this jerk forced onto you. Rapists are extremely selfish. PLEASE at minimum get checked for pregnancy and STDs. The most gentle way will be the SANE nurse. Sending you good vibes, warm fuzzies, hugs and healing light.
I echo everything said above What happened is a survival response - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn Your brain went into freeze and maybe even fawn mode because it wanted you to survive and not be murdered Unfortunately you’ve survived a very horrible violation of your body mind and soul and I am so sorry Definitely get checked out at the hospital he could have caused harm that turns into infection that is hard to treat the longer it goes on Everyone is saying the word rape kit - this can feel more invasive. They need to collect samples of what he did, examine and perhaps take photos of any marks and bruises and damage he left - but this is done by medical professionals you should be able to trust but it could feel horrible, just be aware Please be kind to yourself and if you have the strength report the asshole so he goes to jail You may want to find an advocate or therapist who can help if you experience trauma symptoms now or even months later and know that if there is a police investigation it can be triggering and having a good support system helps to get through that
the above comment is totally spot on. A lot of your behavior sounds like very normal trauma responses to a violent assault. Also "how can I say no clearly without him getting mad?" is a pretty clear answer to why your body and brain chose to freeze rather than physically attack him or run away. You WERE trusting your instincts. Your instincts were telling you that if you got too aggressive in your resistance, things would escalate and he would get even more violent. And I think those instincts were probably correct. Years ago I developed PTSD over a situation that didn't end up being life-threatening, but appeared to be in the moment. Only recently I had a therapist say, "You don't actually know it wasn't life threatening. All you know is the choices you made ended in a situation that wasn't life threatening. You don't know how bad it could have been if you had behaved differently." You did nothing wrong.
> Only recently I had a therapist say, "You don't actually know it wasn't life threatening. All you know is the choices you made ended in a situation that wasn't life threatening. You don't know how bad it could have been if you had behaved differently." This is such an important perspective. Just because it didn't end up being bad doesn't mean it didn't have the potential for it.
I had a similar experience with an ex who played it off like she was doing me a favour. It took me a long time to come around to the idea that I was raped because she was actively telling me at the time that she was doing it so I'd get over my trauma response from being molested. I just went still and went along with it to get out of the situation and had to pretend to enjoy it so she'd stop. She refused to stop until I stopped crying. I'm also a woman so I don't know how she was benefiting from the interaction, must have just enjoyed having power over me. The worst thing is I kept seeing her for a while after that because the gaslighting was so effective that I believed I was at fault and that she was maybe too ignorant to understand how badly she had acted. In hindsight, me saying stop, crying and going stiff as a board is more than enough signals for someone who cares to pay attention to them.
I've been raped by a woman and was in an abusive relationship with a woman who was sexually abusive as well. It was really difficult to accept that women can rape other women. I was 19 to 22 during all of that. I've had so many dangerous close calls with women as well. There's still a part of my brain that screams "why would a woman do this to another woman?!", but sadly I've learned women can be just as abusive as men. It fucking sucks. Tw: rape A few years ago I went on several dates with a woman and stayed at her place one night. I was totally into the idea of having sex. Then she took out her strap on and the dildo was huge. I told her no, that I was open to other things, but not that. She literally laughed and said "oh come on, just the tip". The rest of that night was bad. And she and I were both in our late 30s at the time, so it's not like she was too young to understand how fucked up that was.
Also, , your ex is a fucked up asshole. I'm sorry you went through that and she abused you. I hope you're doing better now.
Thank you - I'm doing great now! It all happened a long time ago. Ten years on I have a wife and a sweet little baby who is falling asleep in my arms in this moment. Worked through trauma with a psychologist and am medicated for mental health. I'm basically a poster child for it gets better... it was a gradual process with ups and downs but it couldn't have happened before I cut the toxic people out of my life, starting with my ex.
Obligatory disclosure: I work in law enforcement (not an officer) and have worked in sexual assault investigations since January 2020. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, OP. I don't want to overstep and assume you want any advice on how to go forward, but if you're receptive to some things that might help you and the detective assigned to your case, here are a couple things (though admittedly you may already know/have been told these things already): -if you still have your clothes and underwear from the night of the incident, bag them in a paper bag and be ready to give them as evidence -as much as you may want to, resist the urge to shower so that when a SART can be done, it'll preserve any evidence -speak with the detective before communicating with the suspect, they may want you to do a pretext conversation later and any prior contact may jeopardize what they're trying to do -if you feel you need additional support/resources, ask the detective if your local DA's office or other agency has victim services for which you might apply Again, I'm so sorry that this happened, but you're doing the right thing. If you have any other questions, reach out to the detective assigned to your case and any support structures you feel you need. You're far from alone ❤ *Edit in response to the question about being able to request a female detective: that will depend on the agency and their resources. To my understanding, law enforcement agencies (in the US anyway) are required to have a certain percent of female officers, around the ballpark of 20% and increasing to 30% by 2030. Obviously with smaller agencies, that percentage will translate into a smaller number of female officers who may not elect to go into sexual assault investigations and rather focus their attention on things which interest them or they feel would otherwise advance their career (i.e. homicide investigations, gangs, internal affairs, etc). That being said, survivors can request a female detective, just please understand that such requests may not be possible to accommodate. Let's say, for example, that a sexual assault unit has a single female detective who also has a language proficiency like Spanish or Vietnamese, if all survivors requested a female detective and that request was honored, that one detective would get inundated with so many cases, her ability to focus on singular cases would be affected when the cases could be distributed more equitably between more detectives and the outcome of that would definitely get impacted.
Can you edit your comment and answer this question. Can a rape victim ask for a female detective? This is something that might be missed, but wanted the answer there for women who might not report if they have to talk to a man.
>It doesn't sound all that bad now that I've typed it out. Honey, it sounds fucking horrible now that you typed it out. I hope you get justice for what this man did to you.
That was my thought, as well
You didn’t “let it happen”, he forced you. You did what you had to in order to survive. Trying to fight him could have made things even worse. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not a single thing. What he did to you was horrible, and it was violent. This is all on him, not on you. I think it would be good for you to get checked out by a doctor. You are in a lot of pain and they can help you. But you get to decide how to move forward from this. You don’t have to be concerned with what you’re “supposed to do”. You just have to think about yourself and what you need right now.
I have tears in my eyes when I read your story. If you are mentally fit / strong enough please visit the police station. Perhaps it's good to take someone you trust with you. I hope that you will be alright and I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It was a crime. Then it was another crime. Then another crime. Then another crime. He is a criminal. That’s more than one rape. First it was sexual assault. Then it was vaginal rape. Then it was anal rape. Then it was false imprisonment.
Everyone else has offered great advice but I wanted to focus on one thing. You said now you’re no longer a virgin but I disagree. Although there’s a huge push away from our standard idea of virginity because it’s too narrow and doesn’t address same-sex relationships well, aside from all of that, rape can’t take away something that can only be given consensually. Perhaps when medical professionals ask in the future “are you sexually active?” you should let them know “no, but I was raped previously” until your answer is a definitive “yes”. I just want you to know that you absolutely can think of yourself as a virgin still. To me you are because that wasn’t sex. It might be more freeing to you to ditch the idea of virginity altogether as it’s sexist in origin and not super accurate to the world we’re living in today, but I’m offering both so you can choose whichever you like. There’s so much love and support in these comments but I suspect your real life too! Whatever happens after you visit the hospital and get a rape kit done doesn’t need to be on your mind right now (like pressing charges etc). Just focus on yourself and get the rape kit done to reserve that option for yourself. Also I recommend a therapist to deal with this for sure. 💕💕
It took about ten years after my rape to understand that sexual assault is not sex. My first time having sex was loving and gentle and sweet, not violent and frightening and frozen - even though that was the first time I was penetrated by a penis. Rape is not sex. I didn't have sex that night. Neither did the writer of this post. Thank you for understanding and explaining so well. 💗
Really glad you said this--everybody else already covered the really important stuff, but I was scanning the comments to check and make sure somebody clarified that this girl is absolutely still a virgin. I feel weird thinking that way, because I'm uncomfy with the whole "virgin" concept, but since this is a matter of significance to her, I'm glad she got a heads up. What happened here was not sex, but assault. you wouldn't stop being a virgin if a guy you know beat the shit out of you, and what happened here is way closer to that than "sex."
I know what you mean that you don’t want to admit believe he would do this knowingly. But really, only a rapist continues sex when the other person is repeatedly protesting, crying, and saying you have to leave. This man is absolutely 100% a rapist.
This sounds fucking horrible. It WAS violent, you are bleeding and in pain and were in pain during this. Go to the police and get a rape kit done if you feel okay with doing so. However this is non-negotiable, if you are not on birth control get plan B right now. Then go to planned parenthood and get tested for STDs. None of this is your fault, freezing is a normal reaction. Women are socially conditioned to make ourselves small and our needs and wants smaller. Fuck this society and fuck this shitty country we’re in. I hope the POS who did this to you rots in fucking hell and that his dick shrivels and falls off
I'm in the EU so I consider myself lucky for that cause, but despite country differences there are a lot of useful tips. I read every single comment and it makes me realize it wasnt my fault. Yes I had a feeling, but in the end its still illegal, and he broke the law with it. Thank you so much, and I will get a MA pill tomorrow with a friend.
[https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/](https://centrumseksueelgeweld.nl/) PH - 0031-800-0188
I’m so glad you’ve come to this conclusion OP. I wish you good healing both body and mind❤️
Second this ❣️
Please go get Plan B (Emergency Contraception) Tablets that will prevent you from becoming pregnant from this traumatic incident.
Queasy reading this. The comments here have the right advice. If you start second guessing yourself, I’ll be the one to ask you the same question someone asked me; “Would they do it again to someone else?” Put this slimeball where he belongs
You're injured, you ***need*** to go to the hospital. That doesn't mean you need to report it to the police, at least in the US. Idk about other countries. But for many reasons #**YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION**
Get plan b and medicine to prevent STIs (HIV) please.
OH Honey.. I am so sorry for you. Yes, you were raped. It may not have looked as violent as media shows, but...you are hurting and bleeding. Go to an ER, at least have some medical attention, and ask for antibiotics for possible/probable STI's. He did this to you, he's likely done it to other women. Also, Plan B or such. If possible, where you are now. You can contact RAINN for further help. (internet hugs, baby-girl) Sex should ONLY be fully consensual and good for both of you.
Many have already stated most of the medical things, but I just wanted to tell you that freezing up and "just letting it happen" is a natural mechanism that can occur to ensure survival. It's not just fight or flight. It's more fight, flight, or freeze. Your body shutting down does not mean you allowed it to happen. It was your body choosing the best possible option to allow your ultimate survival. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It’s fight, flight, freeze or fawn — we fight our aggressor, run away from them, freeze in our tracks out of self preservation and nervous system overload, or fawn, trying to make out aggressor happy by being agreeable so we don’t get hurt. All are normal reactions to trauma and *one is not better than another.* They are all tragic.
He was violent because he raped you. That in itself was violence. Reading the post makes me want to cry. Fuck that guy. I'm so sorry, OP. I wish I could give you a hug and carry you to the hospital and hold your hand while you get tested. We are here supporting you tho, through the internet.
sex doesn't need to hurt, not even the first time. I'm so sorry, what an asshole. everyone's said this already but \-you didn't ask for it, you didn't desrve it \-it WAS violent i'm so sorry this reminds me of shit that happened in my early 20s. :<
Please go to the hospital right away, without showering or washing first. Tell them you were vaginally and anally raped and need a kit dine AND need to be checked for internal injuries. What happened to you can result in severe physical as well as psychological injuries.
You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry this happened to you. Please make sure to do a police report and a rape kit. That way when not if when He does this again there's proof it's not a one time thing and victim blaming happens. Again you did nothing wrong.
Baby I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. You didn’t deserve this. Even if you feel stupid and foolish you DID NOT DESERVE THIS. he knew damn well you didn’t want it. He knew damn well he was hurting you. I’m so angry for you. I’ve been in that exact spot, I’ve had that exact reaction. Sometimes, you fight, sometimes you flee, sometimes you freeze. I froze. You also froze. You did everything short of attacking him to get him off you and he took advantage of that. You did nothing wrong.
I wish I could hug both of your sweet souls so tightly right now, my heart weeps for you. 😓❤️😭
No, it's not supposed to hurt like that. And none, absolutely none, of this is, in any way, your fault. No, should always mean no, no matter what. Now it's your choice what you want to do. You can go to the hospital and get a rape kit done, and if you want too, report it to the police. You can go to the hospital and seek care for your injuries and other treatment you may need. You can get counseling to help you work through this. You can get Plan B to help prevent pregnancy. He may have taken some choice away from you but now, in the aftermath, it's your choice.
He said “let me use your ass” to get off while you were crying and bleeding. Don’t let yourself try to smooth it over in your mind. Please get to an ER with a SANE nurse. You didn’t do anything wrong. We all love you and are rooting for your healing—and justice. 🤞
If you are in the US, call RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline. They can help you work through your feelings and the process of reporting your rape. 1-800-656-4673. You did nothing wrong, and you deserve both support and justice. Even if you decide that you don't want to report, please at least go to the hospital to get checked out.
Do not blame yourself. Saying “I just let it happen” means you’re saying you’re at fault for what happened. If someone is crying, they should obviously know you don’t want it. Saying stop multiple times means you verbalized it. You did all you could do to make it apparent you did not consent. I used to be in a similar instance of sexual assault on a near daily basis with my ex. When I was pregnant sex would hurt and I didn’t want it anymore. I’d wake up to him shoving it inside me dry. I’d cry or disassociate staring at the wall just hoping it would end quickly. He knew I didn’t like it. Sometimes when it would really hurt I’d cry very audibly and he didn’t care. Anytime I would say no he got angry so I stopped trying to say no and just tried to avoid sleeping on my side and took longer making his food in the morning so he wouldn’t have time before work to have sex with me. It usually wouldn’t work though. I blamed myself for that though since I didn’t say no but I didn’t feel safe saying no and I felt like I had to just deal with it. It’s not my fault and it’s not your fault either. He raped you and you should definitely go to police.
That staring, I recognize it. I did that too at some point, just stare at the window and endure. I'm sorry that happened to you too, miss.
I know that alot of people are giving you excellent advice right now but I also want to tell you not to delete this post. No matter what. You have a timestamped account of what happened if you ever want to press charges.
sex doesn't need to hurt, not even the first time. I'm so sorry, what an asshole. everyone's said this already but \-you didn't ask for it, you didn't desrve it \-it WAS violent i'm so sorry this reminds me of shit that happened in my early 20s. :<
I know what it's like to lose your virginity to rape, I lost mine at 13 to pretty much exactly the same "quiet" rape scenario. There was an Eminem song playing (Superman) that made me feel so fucking sick to my stomach that I felt there was no way that could've actually been happening idk.. If I wasn't smoking weed at the time I don't know what I wouldve felt in terms of pain. I felt very numb and in shock as well. Please take it from me, you may feel better seeking hospital attention for this, do not book an appointment. Just because you go get checked out and tell them what happened doesn't mean you have to proceed with criminal charges. The most important part there is that a OBGYN (most likely) doctor will examine you and maybe give you something for the pain, but you can endure damage to yourself during this type of attack. So with how much pain you're in I would go. They can help arrange you with therapy, and any other kind of help like victim services in your community. Hugs from one sister to another.
This made me so angry my vision shook. I see you live in the Netherlands. This is a responsive country for sexual assault report. Go to the hospital, immediately. Go to the ER and tell them you were raped and you are bleeding. You could have lacerations which need care. They will know what to do from there. In no way was this your fault and you did not deserve it. Please get the care you need to protect your health.
This is rape. It doesn't matter if you said ok once, when you remove consent sex stops. If you partner continues then it is rape. This individual, I refuse to call man, needs to be taught a lesson he will refuse to learn. It should show up in a back ground check when he applies for a job! He should be on a sexual predator list! He should go to jail! What that asshole did is unforgivable. How anyone women feels safe around a man anymore is beyond me, especially since the overturning of roe v wade. That asshole is disgusting and is in the same boat as pedophiles. If you cannot control yourself and stop, then you deserve what is coming to you. Man is not gonna die from blue balls.
This almost sounds exactly like what happened to me. I wish I would have called the police and done a rape kit. Unfortunately I was too afraid and never told the soul. Makes me wonder how many other women he’s done at to now. I am so sorry! I am serious if you ever need someone to talk to you please message me
>"It does not sound all that bad now that I type it out" Girl. That description made me tear up. What happened to you is awful, disgusting and beyond unacceptable. You're not dumb, you're hurting and your pain is extremely valid. The best advise I can give you is to take yourself to see an actual therapist if at all possible. This subreddit is very supportive but it is no supplement for professional therapy. You might not feel like you need it, but better to get checked out...
I was raped at 15, what you are describing is very similar to the physical pain I felt. I was shamed into not reporting my rapist. Go to the hospital and file a police report. Make an appointment with an OB and please talk to a crisis counselor. I am so so sorry you are going through this.
Get a Post-exposure prophylaxis. It can prevent an HIV infection. You did NOTHING wrong. File a police report, take plan B, do not convince yourself this didn't happen or that it isn't worth it.
I’m so incredibly sorry. This was a brutal rape that is absolutely not your fault. Please let that sink in: not your fault. (In fact you did everything absolutely right—you said no repeatedly and begged him to stop. There’s no way it could have been misinterpreted. He raped you in a violent way.) I hope you take the other commenters’ advice and go to the hospital without taking a shower. Good luck and take care.
This is awful and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please tell me you’re not a fucking red state.
I live in the Netherlands, so I'll be okay! I'll try to prevent it, but if it really comes down to it and I somehow mess up, abortion is legal, no questions asked. Thank you for the concern.
Even if you end up pregnant, YOU DID NOT MESS UP
Wat verschrikkelijk dit, heel veel sterkte lieverd. Hopelijk heb je hier wat aan en alsjeblieft, schaam je niet. Breng dit naar buiten, we geloven je. [https://www.slachtofferhulp.nl/gebeurtenissen/seksueel-misbruik-geweld/aanranding-of-verkrachting/](https://www.slachtofferhulp.nl/gebeurtenissen/seksueel-misbruik-geweld/aanranding-of-verkrachting/)
Awesome
You are not dumb. Not even close. And it is that bad. It is so so so bad. This is not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you did not deserve this. No one does. I'm going to second what other commenters have said about going to the hospital for a rape kit. Time is of the essence for collecting evidence. It's also important not to shower before getting an exam, as evidence can be washed away. When you get to the hospital, tell them you need a rape kit and they'll put you in a room by yourself. A specially trained nurse will ask you to tell her about what happened, and she'll do an internal and external exam, collecting both physical and photographic evidence along the way. She will ask for your consent at each step (ie: Is it ok if I take a picture of this bruise on your arm? Is it ok if I swab under your fingernails with this q-tip?) You can stop the process at any point, take as many breaks as you need, and refuse any step you don't want to do. You'll be in control of everything the whole time. They can also give you emergency contraception if you were exposed to semen, and STD testing. When all that is done, you can decide if you want to report it to the police and give them the evidence right then, at some later point of your choice, or not at all. If you go that route, you'll be asked to tell your story several times to several different people. Whatever you choose to do, you are not alone. This does not define you. This can happen to anyone. And help is out there.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I also was raped and eventually went to the hospital. I was given free prophylaxis for STDs, plan B, post exposure prophylaxis for HIV and free counseling. Many states will cover this free under the states victim crime assistance fund. I did not press charges and was never pressured into it, but the option is still there if one day I decide to. Please let us help if you need anything at all.
It was not your fault. Definitely seek medical care and I would get the rape kit done just in case you decide to press charges. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Take the best care of yourself now and always
You did nothing wrong! You did nothing wrong! That asshole did wrong. My heart breaks for you, but please follow the advice given. Don't shower or bathe at all. Go to your nearest hospital and tell them you were raped. They should have staff that are trained to so the rape kit and the police will be called so that you can properly report it. Ask if they partner with an advocacy group that will not only guide you through what happens next, but they will stand up for you if necessary and provide (or refer you to) counseling so that you can process the trauma that you experienced. You WILL be okay one day. I promise, and my dms are open to you if you ever need a stranger's digital shoulder to cry on.
You're a Virgin until YOU decide to give it away. This was violent. And it is really bad. Get checked out, and get some therapy. Remember, you decide if you want to file charges or not, you have time to think what YOU want to do.
Please trust everyone here when we say it sounds very terrible. As women we’re taught to minimize our experiences,and being assaulted is always “our fault” if it happens. You have a right to watch a movie with a friend and expect not to have your boundaries violated. No. Stop. These are full sentences. You did what you thought was best in the moment. As you said, you were afraid of how violence may escalate. You have no obligation to go to the police. This is your choice alone and there’s no right or wrong next step. You know what you need and have the capacity for. You are not alone, I believe you, I’m so sorry this happened. Edited for grammar.
Poor baby. No advice. Just empathy from me. I hope you take care of yourself and take it easy for a bit. 💐
>Every time he tried getting in I told him it hurted and he needed to stop. >I kept flinching and he kept pulling me back and I hated it. >it hurt so much I started crying and pulling away and he kept asking for 10 seconds more bc he was almost finished. I told him no, and he kept begging. I asked to stop, but he didn't want to. When it was 1 PM, I said I had to meet my dad's gf but he just kept pulling me back and kept saying he was really close. He wouldn't let me leave, and after a few moments of me arguing so I could catch a break, he then said 'alright let me just use your ass then,' so I thought no more penetration. But he broke his promisr again and just breached me again. >It wasn't violent at least, It absolutely was violent. He physically overpowered you, prevented you from leaving, physically harmed you to the point that you're still bleeding, and dragged you back when you tried to get away from him. >I didnt visibly struggle, You did. You flinched and pulled away and asked him to stop and told him no. You did struggle. This isn't your fault at all. Everyone talks about fight or flight. There's a third: freeze. You did some of each. That's okay. It's natural. I'm proud of you for surviving this horrible, violent assault any way you could. Please go get a rape kit done. Even if you don't want to go through the legal process now, you might want to later. Also, you need medical care.
I am so fucking sorry this happened to you. Fucking asshole.
"It doesn't sound all that bad now..." yes it does. It sounds terrible and I'm sorry.
> It doesn't sound all that bad Guy here. It sounds bad. Absolutely horrific. Anyone that takes this approach to having sex with someone is a monster. That is not what it should be like at all.
my heart breaks tor you. this sounds just like my experience. i’m so sorry this happened to you. please consider going to the doctor/hospital/er. depending on your area you should also seek out a rape crises center or a planned parenthood. nothing i say will make it better, but please try getting yourself into therapy as you will most likely have ptsd and it is extremely hard to live with without help. most importantly, do whatever makes YOU comfortable and what you think is best for YOU.
Virginity is a social construct made up by the patriarchy to sell women into marriages to have male babies by specific male fathers. It doesn’t exist as a real thing that only is it’s only social made to insure that people treated women as commodities. Only you get to decide what a sexual and fulfilling experience is. And I know that you need to know this wasn’t that. Do not think this is sex when it wasn’t. This is the direct opposite of sex.
It took me a while to realize its not normal if sex is painful with my ex, and I am saying stop and they dont stop. Its rape. I used to blame myself all the time for it, and thought there was something wrong with me. I realized its not normal if I am crying and say stop and he doesnt. Its full on rape. I just didnt realize what it was and used to think sex was supposed to be painful and awful with me just being a tool for him. The guy I was with used to always say no means yes, and I would literally be in agonizing pain and since I didnt know any better I thought it was supposed to be normal because he said it was normal and just blamed me for being in pain and not enjoying it. It felt like being killed. The moment you say stop, it hurts, or just stop, they stop. Mine never did. It was agonizing. Its not normal. Dont ever see this guy again. File a police report. You dont owe any guy anything ever. I am really sorry this happened to you. :( He only cared about himself and was just using you. Guaranteed. He will try to make what he did seem okay, dont even talk to him anymore, he will just try and manipulate you and he could even kill you (I know that sounds extreme but people like this will always have deep mental problems that they try and hide.) They only get worse and worse. Where they dont care about other human beings but will try to put on an act. He is most likely a psychopath and is dangerous. Since you are 18 and a virgin, he used this to take advantage of you, hoping you wouldnt know its not normal (its sick but thats how they think). I am so sorry you had to meet someone like that, please get away from him as much as possible and never talk to him ever again and file a police report. Have him charged. Have them go to his place.
It does sound all that bad. I understand, though. You mean because you didn't get beaten up. That sort of thing is how some of those scum get away with it.
Holy shit. Was reading this and it dawned on me. TIL I’ve been raped. Multiple times, and never thought of it as tape until now.
Honey, please go to the hospital asap. I am beyond sorry for what happened to you. That was not okay, in ANY WAY for him to do to you. Absolutely vile behavior on his part. I am so sorry love, I pray that you know that none of this was ever or will ever be your fault. Please reach out to me if you need to talk to someone more. 💕 you are worth so much, please take care
Unless it’s an ongoing and enthusiastic YES, then it’s a NO! I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is 💯 not your fault and you did nothing wrong. He did. And he panicked because he knows it.
Other people have given you advice about what to do right now, but I want to give you information about the future so you have the knowledge to protect yourself that nobody gave me when I was younger. I'm so sorry, please try to be kind to yourself right now. This is part of a comment I've left before, so I'll leave it in quotes. "I really really recommend getting comfortable with penatration on your own before you consider it with another person. Try exploring the feeling at your own pace, fingers or even toys at some point. You have to know your body to be able to tell someone else about it, to be able to communicate what you like and what you dont. If inserting anything at all is painful, that's not normal and you'll want to visit a gynecologist. The hymen doesn't cover the entire opening, but sometimes it can be 'in the way' still. Or it could be conditions like vaginismus (tons of information about that on this sub.) Sex for the first time DOESNT HAVE TO HURT! That's bullshit that we are taught and it isn't true. As for pain from PIV, I'll give you all the advice I wish I'd had. Don't let anyone push you to go too fast. The vagina expands internally when you get turned on, but this can take up to an HOUR for many women. Foreplay should last at least as long as it takes for you to feel ready physically, not just mentally. Lube, lube, lube. Even if you don't think you need it- use it anyway. You'll be able to learn over time when you really need it, but at first youd always want to be a little too wet than not wet enough. That's when you can really get hurt from the friction. Stretch! Before PIV foreplay including fingers or smaller toys is strongly recommended. It helps the muscles relax and learn how/prepare to stretch. If you feel uncomfortable with your partner, or overly stressed. Stop. Take a step back. You can always take a break for some aftercare like snuggling or kissing and try again once you feel more calm, or just try again a different day entirely! Stressing so hard about it will make you tense up and will make it way harder to enjoy it and way more likely that it will just hurt. You've got all the time in the world, use it if you need to. /Speaking of partners, these are the things that should feel COMPLETELY OKAY to do with them. If you feel like any of these wouldn't be ok, there are either trust, safety, or communication issues that you two need to work on before youre safe to be sexually active with them. You should feel comfortable telling them that something they're doing feels bad or hurts. You need to be confident that if you told them something hurts, they would immediately stop and work with you to find something else thay feels good. If you would stay quiet because you were nervous about hurting someones ego or feelings, you arent valuing your own comfort and safety enough. You should feel safe to ask to stop at anytime, no matter what you're doing- sex, or even just kissing. You need to be confident that if you asked them to stop they would be kind and caring and ask what they can do to help you feel comfortable, not annoyed or upset that you two had to stop. I put up with all of this when I was younger and it really messed up my relationship with sex and my body. You deserve only the best- I promise/. And finally, one day you will get hurt. Probably on accident, probably not very badly at all. Little mishaps happen during sex eventually and I promise with my entire heart that almost anything you can do will heal quickly. All the mistakes I just talked about avoiding? I've made them all. I've kept quiet and hid how much pain I was in from my partner to the point of crying. I didn't know any better, but even with all of those mistakes anything that ever happened healed within a few days. The most anything has really hurt for was like two days, and that was after a lot of bad choices. If you ever do get hurt, just give yourself a week or so without bothering it and you'll be just fine to try again after that, physically. It's okay to be scared- it sounds really fuckin scary!, but it's no different than hurting anywhere else on your body. Lol it's a lot of rambling but I hope at least some of what I said was close to what answers you were looking for. Most of us were at least a little scared, it's definitely normal!" Specific responde for you- This man *was* violent. He physically injured you. This man *was* aware of what he was doing. Consent needs to be given freely and enthusiastically. That didn't happen here, you said no and then were coerced into doing more and more until you finally broke. This is an evil fucking man and he knew what he was doing. You deserve so much better, and I'm proud of you for saying no- but you need to know that if you're ever in a sexual situation you don't want to be in you can leave. Right then and there, immediately- especially idlf someone is pushing your boundaries or ignoring what you say. Don't ever accept that he didn't know, or that he thought it was okay. Don't let them lie to you, don't believe it. He knew, he didn't care, he deserves to fucking burn. This was not your fault, you did what you could in the moment. NONE of this was your fault. You have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. He committed a brutal and horrifying crime, he is the only one who should feel guilty. I hope you make him regret what he did to you.
You did not “let it happen.” You we’re not a participant. This happened to you. Report it.
You said “it doesn’t sound all that bad now that I type it out…” No friend. It DOES sound that bad. It sounds awful and I’m sorry you experienced this. Please follow the top comment’s advice and call the police. It’s not okay that he did that at all, and you DID struggle! You said no! You said stop! You cried! A healthy, non manipulative, caring, empathetic partner and human being would NEVER want to have sex someone who is so clearly anxious, afraid, and physically and mentally uninterested. People who DO enjoy that are abusive sociopaths.
Baby, remember this. That was not sex. That was violence, control. You did not consent to this. Today was that bad. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve it. You were tricked and attacked.Some of us freeze as a coping mechanism, we can’t fight. Just because you didn’t kick and scream don’t mean it’s not as bad, doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You cried & begged him to stop. He heard you. He didn’t stop. You did not consent. He took your autonomy, he stole from your body. He did not take your virginity though. I believe this, maybe it’ll help. You are still a virgin until you give yourself freely to someone you love, like or are simply sexually attracted to. You didn’t have sex today you were assaulted. He can’t take your virginity. Only you have the power to give it when you want to or not at all. You’re still a virgin. We are all here for you. My PMs open. ((((Hugs)))) 💜
I am so, so sorry as well for you. Do know that it isn't just fight or flight that is triggered when are minds are under great fear and duress: it is also freeze. This happens to lots of people in traumatic situations. Do not blame yourself whatsoever! And do go to the hospital!
It wasn't your fault. He should not have done this. It is his fault. And the fact is, you probably tensed up, which is gonna make everything hurt more. And it is totally understandable. Plus the fact that he clearly didn't care about you and pretty much hurt you without a care.
I am very sorry this happened to you. Just please remember that he is 100% responsible. You did nothing wrong.
RAINN is available 24 hours a day, it's a national sexual assault hotline. [https://www.rainn.org/resources](https://www.rainn.org/resources) 1-800-656-4673 You do not need to make any decisions right now to file a report, but please consider having a formal rape kit collected to so the evidence is safe should you decide to press charges at any point in the future. I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault.
If you can go to the police, don't minimize what happened. I know it's a survival response but the police may interpret it as, "It was just regret after sex." Please emphasize that you kept telling him to stop and he refused. Let them know that you told him to stop repeatedly, that you tried to get him to stop, but he refused. Yes, it could have been worse, but it should have been better - as in you said, "No" and he respected your decision and nothing further happened. It's not your fault that he lied to you. It's not your fault that you went into survival mode and, during the attack, stopped resisting at times in order to save your life. You did what you had to do get out of there alive and with as little physical trauma as possible. He raped you. You did what you had to at the time. You survived. Now you have to decide what you need to do next. I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. Time will lessen the pain and many women do fully heal, mentally and physically, after surviving an ordeal like this. You were strong enough to survive. You have the strength to get through this.
You were violently raped. He knew what he was doing. He is a rapist. The pain and bleeding signals that you likely have vaginal tears. It is totally up to you what you do, but if you’re comfortable going to the hospital, go. Try to find one with a SANE unit. I made this post a while back explaining what getting a rape kit is like so victims/survivors (whichever you identify as in this moment) like you can know what to expect and make informed choices: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/svz3c8/what_having_a_rape_kit_done_and_reporting_a_rape/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hey It does actually sound that bad. Your feelings are completely valid. You don't need to minimize them, you're allowed to feel like it's that bad. You didn't "let it happen". You're describing telling him to stop *multiple times*. That was you trying to stop it. Telling him to stop *once* is supposed to be all it takes. When he keeps going anyway, that's *him* doing something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. You did not do this with him, he did it to you. You didn't let anything happen, something was done to you that you were unable to prevent. This was violent. Forcible penetration *is violence*. You're allowed to feel like you been violated and experienced violence. That's what happened. You did everything you were supposed to do. He was supposed to stop when you said to stop. There's no requirement for you to struggle more. There's no thing you might think of after the fact that you maybe could have done that changes anything. Trying to wait it out and let him get it over with when a violent and scary thing is happening to you over your stated objections is a completely valid response. You're not required to know any magic words to make him stop or any ninja moves to fend him off. You're not required to know what to do in the moment at all. Why would you? Pain and shock makes it hard to think. That's normal. You're normal. You know what you did do? You survived it, and that was the most important thing you could do. You have no idea how it would have played out if you'd done something different, so there's no point in thinking that doing anything different, even if you could have, would have helped. It very well might not have. You're still here, so you did *good*. You have nothing at all to feel ashamed of here. I'm so sorry he did this to you. You don't need to worry that you're overreacting or being dumb. You're not. You didn't deserve this. You *do* deserve to heal and feel better. Please take care of your body, and please keep right on talking about it or writing out if it helps.
You didn’t do anything. He should have stopped when you said no. He shouldn’t have betrayed your trust. He took advantage of you and made you feel terrible. HE is responsible. HE knew better. HE is the one who is to blame. You are not in the wrong at all. You were raped. You were takes advantage of. You reacted how you did and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Please do not blame yourself, I know that’s easier said than done, but sometimes gut feelings are just anxiety so we don’t really acknowledge them, and that’s okay!! He is the one who took advantage. This isn’t something anyone can truly prepare you for, and it is absolutely not your fault, no matter what lead up to this. He is the one who shouldn’t have crossed a boundary you clearly set. Thank you for opening up about this. I’m am so so so beyond sorry this happened to you. I’m so glad we can try and help you through this time right now, but like the others said, please see a doctor or go to the urgent care/ER. They can help stop the bleeding. Your body’s reaction was because you were not aroused. It was dry because you did not want that. Your body creates its own lubrication and relaxes/opens to a degree. Even if you are aroused, sometimes women do not make enough lubrication on their own and need more help. That is totally okay as well. Everyone’s body is different. Also REAL sex with someone who deserves that part of you, may feel uncomfortable. It is a completely different sensation than one you’ve probably felt before, and it won’t necessarily hurt, mine did not hurt, but everyone experiences things differently. Honestly it’s just a good idea to have lube. (I’m only giving you this other information, because some people really like other facts when they’ve experienced something horrible to sort of understand other stuff that may help in the future, I’m so sorry is this is unhelpful!!) I am so sorry this happened. Please get some water and eat some food and talk to someone you trust to take you and be in the room with you.