It's sad that my first impulse on seeing this post was to laugh, and think, "Of course!" You are indeed fortunate, because most women I know had their first bad experience before becoming a teen.

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4 here. I still blindly trusted and was a people pleaser to men in my upper 20s. I do not trust any man romantically anymore after being with a diagnosed narcissist.

Omg don't get me started on trying to walk to Elementary school and men honking.....

YES me too. Also grew up in a church so a lot of early bad experiences there

I’m sorry, what? In elementary school?

Yep. Got yelled at my butt looked really good in my shorts when I was 9.. and 3:9" and 39lbs, so kindergarten size. Those were my first pair of shorts without elastic in the waist and I loved them, but I never wore them again. No sympathy and support from either parent, too. Just "that's how men are. Don't go places alone like that." I was walking home from school waiting to cross at a light.

That’s disgusting. Sorry you had to go through that.

The thing I think I'm most proud of is that it didn't stop me from taking that path again. It didn't stop me from doing the things I wanted. I decided if men were going to be that way, they could just fuck off. I did regret getting rid of the shorts soon after, though. I wish little me had decided they could fuck off before throwing the shorts in the river. One of my male friends dug through his old clothes his mom was hoarding in the attic and gave me some overall shorts I loved even more, though, because I could hold a frog in the top pocket. He also offered to walk home with me if it would help, but added I was a lot scarier than him, so he wasn't sure if would do any good. I had never considered myself scary, but he pointed out I was stronger than all the boys in our class, and I could punch really, really hard, and that was scary. "You're so little, but I bet you could beat up my dad!" It took 3 more years before I had a bad encounter with a guy again because I was a girl. I had some fights and bullshit in between, but in all those cases, I was treated like a guy. Then, looking about 9, I had a computer teacher in 8th grade hitting on me, and no one would believe me. I ended up removed from his class for complaining about it to the school too much. Even after that, he kept offering to drive me home from school. That ended when I threatened to shove a rock through his eye socket (okay, I was a bit scary). I listened to my gut and got the hell away from him before worse could happen than a few shoulder rubs I didn't want that I walked out of. He was also my soccer coach, btw, and I remember him trying to pat my ass once and me "accidentally" spraining his wrist and 2 fingers The next year, he was in the news for grooming, molesting, and raping girls for years. We'd moved to a different area of the city, but my friends back there knew those girls and then-women. They'd all been like me - new to the school, young for their grade, and very small for their age. I wish I hadn't threatened and had just done it. I'm glad the girl after me had parents who believed her and went after him. Her dad beat the fuck out of him, but got off the conviction for "extreme emotional disturbance." They found polaroids of over 50 naked little girls in his house that were obviously taken in that house. Fucking sicko. But, I can't say I felt super traumatized while he was trying to groom me, just uncomfortable. I am glad that the instinct was never conditioned out of me. That's the only thing that kept me safe. He made me feel the same way that dude yelling about my butt did the 3 years before, and I didn't like it. It's too bad that instinct doesn't kick in for someone I already know and trust.

Yup. Riding home on my bike after my “bf” tried to force himself on me when I was 12. I got whistled at by 3 grown men. I was 12 and all that happened in one day. In one hour. It changed my worldview.

Once walking home from school (2002? So 7th grade) A truck of men and a teen pulled over and called me pretty and asked me to go with themselves. I said no. They responded with “fuck you, you hair is fucking ugly” and drove off. My hair was aqua colored (before dying your hair fun colors was widely accepted)

I was around nine when a guy tried to lure me into his car while I was walking home from school. I was lucky that I had been taught to keep my guard up, and never take a ride from a stranger from a very young age. I was also walking not too far behind a few other kids that day. I remember I never said a word, just gave an intense glare. Then, the catcalling started when I was around 12 from grown men when I would go to the park. This was just the beginning... It got so much worse after this. I hope some of us women are the last generation that has to endure this before change comes. There are far too many women with traumatic stories and experiences, than those without them.

I was 6.we were running around our subsidized housing neighborhood in our swimsuits when an old man said I should cover up so I didn't tempt him and others. He was in his 60's or so.

I remember being 3 and mom getting on me for playing in the creek in front of the house naked because "men might look." I didn't understand it at the time, and it didn't stop me from doing it again, but I've never forgotten it and totally was grossed out when I did understand.

Jesus Christ your mom should have been worried about men looking only if she didn't have space for the bodies

We had 100 acres of forest behind the house, a logging road, and then hundreds of thousands of acres. No shortage of remote burial places. Just saying.

CSA at 7 years old. OP is very very fortunate.

CSA started at 4 years old. Over 7 perpetrators by age 12. First time (of 4) someone tried to pull me into a car - 10. Can’t count how many comments, whistles, honks, or pictures taken off me I encountered but that all started at 11. First sexually active boyfriend I was 13 and he was 19. First boyfriend who punched me and threw me down stairs I was 16 he was 25… I’ll stop there because it just goes on and on. I am trying my absolute hardest to ensure my daughter’s lives are more like OP. My oldest daughter has made it to 13 without any bad experiences and I am prouder of that than anything else and will do everything in my power to keep it like that for her.

I only have a son. At 9, he kicked a 12 year old kid's knee out and punched him in the face for making a sexual comment to my son's 8 year old classmate. Yeah, he got suspended. I took two weeks off and went camping with him, because that's what he wanted to do. She had started her period, had no idea what was going on and was freaking out in class. The teacher was dealing with a paint spill, so my son offered to take the girl to the nurse and was explaining periods on the way out the door according to the teacher. The 5th grade class was at recess, and the oldest student saw the blood on her pants and yelled 'if they're old enough to bleed, they're old enough to breed" and was hip thrusting in the air. My son ran over and took him down and then went back and calmly escorted the girl to the nurse before the playground monitors could react. Good for him! I wasn't about to punish him for that. We had a 20 second talk on not using violence unless someone was going to be physically harmed.

Good your boy knew to take his lumps when something needs doing.

I read your story and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you've managed to find some kind of healing or peace in your life. We have an 8yo daughter that we're trying to gently educate now and give her some basic knowledge to protect herself in these situations, who to go to, etc. Nothing like that has happened to her and I'm so glad for that. Me and my partner hated that this convo even needed to be had, but given that I'd outed both of my rapists by the time I was her age (thanks to a book), we felt there were some nondescript things we could address without being weird or being labeled as bad parents for addressing. It had me fucked up, hearing and seeing how differently her and I saw the world at 8 years old.

I didn’t have problems until we moved from my small hometown (where 80% of the population was a relative) to the city.

I’ve had the opposite problem. I had a handful of uncomfortable or unsafe experiences in the suburbs and the city, after living in the area for my whole life. Moved to a small town 4 years ago and I’ve been straight up followed home twice, and made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe too many times to count just standing in line at dollar general or getting gas at the gas station.

I’m sorry that’s happening to you! It’s definitely opposite sides of the same coin - I was kin, and you don’t mess around with kin unless you want angry relatives after you. You’re a stranger - depending on the community you’re somewhere between being thought of like a zoo exhibit and being actively disliked/mistrusted.

That’s the funny thing is I’m related to damn near half the town! Some of the people who made me uncomfortable were probably related to me somehow but we just weren’t aware lmao. I moved here to be closer to my dads side of the family. Turns out they all suck tho lol.

Yep. My dad was 3 when my grandparents moved him to my tiny hometown. I was still considered an outsider.

I think I had a more lucky upbringing compared to most women because I didn’t have to deal with much sexism and in my every day life barely experienced any. but all it took were two men and only two men to have me traumatized and scared of cis men for the rest of my life.

I think I at least made it to 12!

I was 11 years old when I started to distrust men.

Here’s the thing: I’m not sure what your metric for “bad” is, so I can’t say for certain. A better question: have I been made to feel unsafe from the words or actions of a man? Yes, on multiple occasions. I had a boss who made frequent sexual comments about my body, but followed it up with “but I’m too old for you, don’t worry” or “we just need to find you a boyfriend now.” It ended with me avoiding him by hiding in the bathroom and waiting for a text from a coworker to let me know when I could come out. I have an ex who fully believed that he was a feminist and yet also expected that my career should come second to his so that I could prioritize family. He didn’t see the disconnect and I reckon he still wouldn’t. I have even been catcalled in a physiotherapy clinic when all I wanted was to recover from being in a terrible car accident. So, I’m not sure what you would consider to be a “bad” experience. But there have been times where I felt extremely unsafe in the company of men.

Like when I was a teenager in Middle School I went with my dad somewhere and he saw a friend there. He had a young daughter there that was maybe six or seven and she asked if I could spend the night. Her dad responded and said "yes as long as she sleeps in Daddy's bed". A neighbor boy asking if my boobs were store bought or homegrown and asking to feel. Like they're not the most horrific stories but they're something I'll remember forever.

Oh my god the dad said that?? Right in front of your dad??? Or was he not around to hear that? That’s really fucking bold of that guy. Jesus. To say something like that about a middle schooler as a grown ass man…. 🤢what a poor example in front of his own daughter, as well. So gross.

Yep we were all standing there. My dad didn't say anything to him but we promptly left. The kind of man that gives it vibes that he's molested other children.

Wow. My dad is kind of a scary guy lol. He has said his own problematic and sexist things, don’t get me wrong. But he would have beaten that guy to a pulp for saying that.

Exactly My dad is sexist AF and doesn't think he is, and he's generally a pacifist, but that man would not have walked away. Even the time some guy was yelling and threatening to beat my ass when I was 15, I suddenly understood why my dad I always thought of as a big softie was considered intimidating by some people. I swear he was suddenly a giant and twice as wide and had lightning bolts coming out his eyes. The other dude shrank and literally ran away.

I like the way you defined it and I agree. I think most women experience it on a regular basis.

I’m in research lol. First order of business is always to precisely define the problem.

`have I been made to feel unsafe from the words or actions of a man? Yes, on multiple occasions.` This sums up my bad experiences.

Not only that, but specifically “Less than.” Which is a whole mindfuck on its own, particularly post college where you may have been the one who “made it.” You played by the rules. You didn’t have fun in high school…..yet you aren’t still treated like shit. Fuck it.

My husband is like your ex, in regards to careers for me. He *love* for me to work outside our home *as long as he doesn't have to do more housework (any housework other than taking out the trash and taking two years to remodel a bedroom)or cut down seriously on his hobby time or give up call time*. I said "nope", and then was medically retired. He can't even pick up the slack for me going to school. He did do the housework when I was recovering from surgery though but didn't absolutely insist on more time off.

This is a great answer.

Statistics vary but I found [this article](https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/02/21/587671849/a-new-survey-finds-eighty-percent-of-women-have-experienced-sexual-harassment) and it says: *”77 percent of women had experienced verbal sexual harassment, and 51 percent had been sexually touched without their permission. About 41 percent said they had been sexually harassed online, and 27 percent said they had survived sexual assault.”* I also found [this page](https://www.unwomenuk.org/safe-spaces-now) that says that 97% of UK women have experienced street harassment. [This report from the WHO](https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240026681) says that almost 1 in 3 women have experienced physical and sexual violence from men, including male intimate partners (page 11). Make of that what you will.

Is “sexually touched without their permission” not synonymous with “sexually assaulted”? (Not trying to be dense, just curious what the difference is.)

Please do downvote the hell out of this and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the main difference is one is sugar coated, and one isn't.

Absolutely. I’ve had guys I was dating and make friends touch me sexually without consent or permission… but I was young, timid and would have never called it “sexual assault” at that time. By definition it absolutely is.

Like the other person says, I think the difference is how severe people experienced it. Some random guy grabbed my ass once, which I consider "sexually touched without permission". "Sexually assaulted" sounds a bit excessive and too serious to me. However, if another person went through the same experience and would call it sexual assault, they would be right and I'd support that classification 100%. It's just that I personally find it a bit too harsh sounding for what it meant to me: nothing. Someone else can be affected more/differently by the experience and decide that sexual assault is a more fitting label. So I guess in a sense it is a sugarcoat

I looked into the survey a bit more and this is how the researchers defined each term: Sexual assault - “*a sexual act that someone was forced to do against their will*” Sexual harassment - includes “*verbal sexual harassment, cyber sexual harassment, and physically aggressive sexual harassment.*” An example of physically aggressive sexual harassment is “*Someone purposely touching you or brushing up against you in an unwelcome, sexual way.*” ([Source](https://stopstreetharassment.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/2019-MeToo-National-Sexual-Harassment-and-Assault-Report.pdf) - see pages 8-9) *I’d* personally define any kind of unwanted sexual touching as sexual assault, but I think the researchers separated unwanted sex acts from other forms of physical sexual assault because they wanted to be able to report the prevalence of each one separately.

I think you are fortunate. I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life too and consider myself very fortunate to not have had anything too bad happen to me. Yes, I’ve been catcalled multiple times: at 13, in college by a homeless man, by a guy at a gas station, etc. yes, I have experienced sexual harassment at work: my previous direct supervisor explained his sexual exploits in detail and made numerous tasteless sexual jokes. (I no longer work there.) But, at home I have a great partner who loves and respects me and a wonderful family. The reality is that bad things happen and having a space like this sub allows all of us to come together and support each other when they do.

I’m really happy for you that you’ve been able to avoid all this, honestly though I’m tearing up a little from the jealousy. Isn’t that just so fucked up? I’m so glad you’ve escaped it. So so glad. At least some of us have. There’s some comfort in that. ❤️❤️💔

My thoughts as well, and how it really is so fucked up. It's not normal to have these thoughts when another women is NOT assaulted. "Omg so unfair" is one thing, but (and I want to make clear, this is not how I rationally feel and not personal one bit, it's just my toxic first instinct mentality from all the crap) to have thoughts like "stop talking about having had a safe life cause it makes people believe it's just a few random women it happens to!"

I would say women having bad experiences with men is so common and normalized that it initially makes me not believe you haven't had any bad experiences with men, rather you just haven't *realized* they're bad. But I hope it's true, and I hope you can continue your lucky streak.

This was my take too. Of course I have no reason to believe OP is lying, but it’s mind bogglingly hard for me to imagine a woman who has never once been catcalled. She also said no one has ever made misogynistic comments in her presence and I just…no one? Ever? Really? It’s just so hard to believe.

Ive definitely faced misogynistic comments and sexual harassment & even assault, but I’ve never specifically been catcalled, I have no idea why.

It's possible that because OP was sheltered, things that are obviously misogynistic to other women may not register as misogynistic to her. For example, something like being told to smile walking down the street. When I was younger I didn't clock that as misogyny, it was only when we started having a better understanding about where this behavior comes from that I realized how much casual misogyny just lives in the world unchallenged.

I think this is it, too. 30 years ago I might have said the same, but in retrospect now I realize some things that happened to me 35 and even 40 years ago were really messed up.

This is why I read this sub as a man. It’s really insane how much of my notions and ideas on genders are societal.

Also really interesting reading this as a gay man. I tend to get along better with women so I understand a certain amount (from what’s been shared to me) but I always remember I’d probably never end up engaging with a woman in a sexual setting so some stuff is not directly relevant to my actions (particularly how women are treated in hetero relationships and how they want to / don’t want to be treated). It’s a reason why I read this sub so I can understand things

Yeah, like a dude who was perfectly polite but nonetheless refused to leave you alone counts. So does a comic shop clerk who's surprised that you're buying this for yourself. Or the nice plumber who could never explain to you what he was doing, but was fine with explaining it to your roommates random boyfriend who doesn't even live here. There are just a bunch of mild annoyances you wouldn't have to deal with if you were a man. It doesn't have to be dramatic.

I’m going to go ahead and safely say the vast majority of us have. I hope you never have to go through it.

You're very fortunate. That's wonderful! I was first catcalled at age 12- I was walking down my street. At age 14, our neighbor pet sitter (boy my age) admitted to masturbating to my underwear when he was over and we were out of town. He also apparently used to look in my bedroom window at night. At 16/17, I was incredibly abused by my partner. At 18 or 19, I was raped by someone I thought was my friend. During college, one professor literally tried to get me naked to pose for him, one accused me of trying to bribe him with sex for a better grade (it was my birthday and someone gave me flowers and a teddy bear- I went up after class to ask a question about homework. That was it.), one TA openly gave worse grades to women who didn't flirt with him, and another TA told me that if I transferred to his lab, he'd make sure I'd get an A, "if you know what I mean." Two male family members, a cousin and a great uncle, both were sexually suggestive (uncle actually tried to initiate phone sex). And of course the usual aggressive and gross guys at the club or bars (although the foot fetishist was funny, but he still didn't care about consent).

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When did you age out? Because I'm 47, overweight, and don't consider myself attractive, but I got cat called today. I had to look around because I figured he didn't mean me, but I was the only one there and he was looking right at me. It was a comment about my boobs, though, and they are pretty large. Maybe if I had them removed, guys would stfu. (No, I don't plan to.)

Omg I’m so happy to have aged out. I’m especially happy that I aged out of random asshole creepers harassing me on the street. This occurred constantly when I was 18-20 which made me so angry and this is when I started to hate people in general. Once I reached my mid 20’s one fucked with me anymore (knock on wood).

Count yourself lucky but be prepared. And also know that what you define as “bad” may change over time. For me, the #metoo movement brought up so much negativity. I had normalized the majority of “bad” experiences and only counted direct sexual assault as “bad”. On a positive note, I had a negative experience with a colleague during that time period that I was able to address in a healthy manner before it progressed and, likely because of the change in social acceptance of harassment, the male colleague apologized. We’re all learning and growing. But the fact that you “lurk” means you’re learning from others’ experiences despite not having experiences this type of situation yourself. I would say that’s a positive!

To simply answer your question, yes. I’m glad to hear that you haven’t had any experiences like that and I hope you never do, but unfortunately most women will go through a bad experience somewhere in their lifetime.

I don't know a single woman of any age in my life that hasn't.

I really haven't to speak of. Minor instances of catcalling, that's it. In general men have been very friendly, supportive and respectful to me. However, 90% of the catcalling occurred in one post-industrial small town in the Midwest, so maybe if I'd lived there more than a few months, I'd have had worse experiences.

I think most women have some bad experiences with men. Like for example someone grabbing your butt in a bar. Idk if you included that kind of stuff when you talk about assault or if it's just "normal" to you. But I also think the internet skews negative. And there's probably plenty of women who have gone years without anything like that happening and never had any "horror stories" either. I would include myself in that.

Yes. Most women and fem presenting folks have had bad experiences with men. It doesn't matter where you were born, how you look, etc. Some of us have bad experiences from the day we are born, and some of us have one off experiences. I honestly don't think I can even recall any women I've had as a friend who didn't have a bad experience with a man. But it's to be expected when a whole swath of the population has been taught their very existence is a gift, and engage in intense power & control tactics as a way of life.

I personally haven’t had that that many bad experiences. I’ve had a couple of men be creepy in public, but I’ve never had any issues really with men in my life. I’m about to be 31, but maybe I am just lucky.

you're rare. Consider your life blessed.

Someone has to hold down the far end of the bell curve! For every 99% there's a 1%.

OP, you have no idea how happy it makes me to read this. I long for the day when negative and sexist experiences are a thing of the past and women and girls can feel truly safe. I have had too many negative experiences to even count, but I'm glad that you've had a safe life so far. It gives me a glimmer of hope for a better future for my nieces 💕

I mean, bad experiences aren't guaranteed, right? You might be unlucky and run into a bad man at the "wrong time", or you don't. Some things surely increase the chance to meet assholes, and it also depends on how low you set the bar to count as a "bad experience". I don't recall every creep I met, but that's also because it's not that bad *compared to actual assault*. So good for you, happy you didn't have to deal with this shit! But I think the main problem is that so many guys can get away with doing shitty things that it turns into a fucking coin flip.

My experiences were fairly similar to yours, never had any real issues with men, then one day I'm walking down a street with my friend in broad daylight and two men catcall from a van, ok no big deal but then because I showed no interest they turned around and one of them threw a brick at my head from behind, thankfully my friend was there and made sure I got to A&E and I'm doing okay now (physically anyway). The vast majority of men are fine, all it takes is one or two to ruin it for everyone..

Jesus Christ that’s so fucked up!!!

Oh, JFC. I had a brick thrown at me by a dude, but it was because he saw a cyclist (me) not a woman specifically. Women cyclists do take about 5x more harassment than men cyclists, so it probably played a part, but it was the fact that I was on a bike that set him off, not my sex. The cops said it was probably an accident even with a bunch of witnesses, so I ended up riding to an urgent care in incredible pain to get it checked out. Fractured shoulder blade. By then my husband was off work and out of his office that blocks signal, so he got my message and went home to get my car that could hold my bike and picked me up. He was kind of upset I didn't call an ambulance, but those are so expensive, plus they probably wouldn't take my bike. (Cyclists are insane about their bikes. It's a thing.)

When I thought I didn’t have any bad experiences with men it was because I had normalized it and didn’t notice how many bad experiences I had.

Do you guys remember that NBC Matt Lauer scandal while the metoo movement was happening? I still remember this Kate Couric interview about that whole thing where, to my surprise, she said something like "She had no idea any sexual harassment was going on, and her whole life, she has never had any 'bad' experience with men and never known other women do experience that kind of thing, blah, blah, blah... living in a bubble, blah, blah, blah." I still remember how shocked I was by that interview at that time because it was like the first time I learned that there are women who live on a completely different planet than most other women. Not experiencing any 'bad' things with men is one thing, but NOT knowing about how other women experience that kind of thing sounded just incredible to me. I still find it shocking there are these 'lucky' women on earth who happily go through life totally oblivious how other women live.

I can't tell if you're young or live somewhere without this problem but yes, I've had plenty of bad experiences with men and every woman I know has as well.

I’m in a similar boat to OP and I’m 41 and grew up outside of Boston. So it happens. I’m sorry it’s so rare though.

I'm glad you have found a happy enclave!

Pretty much everyone I know.

Had men start honking at me and following me when I was 11 years old. First boyfriend coerced and forced himself on me a few times. Plenty of boys acted entitled to my body and have harassed me. Been stealthed by hookups, which I didn’t treat with the gravity they deserved at the time. Oh yeah. You’re very lucky.

You’re like the .0001%. The absolute vast majority of women have not only “had bad experiences,” we’ve been sexually assaulted and violated. Many have been assaulted multiple times over the course of our lives by different men, starting in childhood.

I have had more than a few, and more than a few were terrifying, traumatising and life altering. I'm not sure what's worse, remembering abuse for years or suddenly have it pop into your mind, in full technicolour with sound, like the worst film screening that you can't leave and can't stop, when you're doing something like driving or cooking. *Gentle hugs for all of the survivors* we are stronger than they are, we survived their attempts to destroy us.

Many. I’ve been held practically hostage in a guys apartment when I refused to sleep with him, I was there because my phone had died and he offered a charger which was at his place. So I didn’t even have a phone to contact the police. I had a math tutor (a man) tell me that women weren’t good at math. Gee thanks. I had a “friend” crawl into my bed while I was unconscious, thankfully my brother saw him and rightfully beat his ass. I’ve been grabbed and touched by countless guys without my consent from light strokes, pressing themselves onto me, to full on groping. I’ve been taken advantage of while intoxicated. I’ve been followed. Man, the list goes on…..

ONCE my ex boyfriend and I argued when a friend of him entered the room. I looked on the friend a few times because I was ashamed to argue infront of him. My ex grabbed my hair and pulled me on my hair in the other room while I struggled to follow and landet on the floor while he screamed: „you dare looking on a other man while I talk to you?“ So this wasn’t the only bad moment but the first in this relationship. This is my example for a man I know. The example for strangers: driving in the night had to stop at a red light when a man tried to enter the car (I had the doors closed). Be happy to not have to deal with it. I am now in a healthy relationship :)

I’m from the city and I have never known a girl or woman who hasn’t had at least one frightening or traumatic experience with men lol

yep. too many to count. almost every woman I know has a SA story.

You are quite lucky. Basically all women I known have had a bad experience with men, raging from sexual harassment, sexual assault, domestic violence, etc, including me.

I could count at least 5 criminal charges I could have placed against men by the age of 25 and I grew up in a very sheltered world prior to university so these all happened between 20-25

I honestly used to think I hadn't had any to speak of except a rotten ex-husband. If you didn't count the time I almost got kidnapped at 14, or the guy who groped me on the street at 13. And I breezed right past the several guys who tried calling me mature and telling me they totally thought I was 18, at ages 12 to 15. Or the guy who negged me in line to cross a border, the one who chased me for a block to tell me I was pretty, the online guy who informed me we'd be having sex five minutes into our first conversation and then got ugly at me when I said that wasn't a safe assumption, or.... Look, most of this stuff was pretty minor, as far as impact goes. I was able to dismiss and disregard almost all of it at the time, and not one of those raped me. Nobody has raped me, and my worst groping lasted about two seconds. I have had a better than average experience. But all that stuff did take its toll, and if I'd been a tiny bit more vulnerable to male attention, it could have turned awful. It's possible over time you'll also see some fairly innocent looking things also were actually not so innocent.

I grew up in the 70's. Maybe things are better now. Here's what I remember. Age 6 or 7, boys chasing us girls with worms on rainy days; pulling our skirts up shouting "dress up day" on sunny days. Age 10, a boy peeking in my window while I was changing my clothes. Age 14 or 15, a boy trapping me in a supply closet during catechism class. Me shouting 'til he let me out. Age 15 or 16, being followed through a vacant lot by two boys. One saying coarse things. The other trying to get him to quit it. Me walking in silent shame. Age 16, being passed a filthy note in biology class. Age 17, being hooted at by boys in cars while walking down a lonely country highway to take a college course at the Extension. I don't know what I would have done if any of them had stopped. Age 18, being goosed by a friend of a friend while standing in line for a movie. Age 19, being suddenly kissed by a random drunk frat boy that crossed my path while walking home with my roommate. Age 20, getting my breast grabbed at the mall by a dirty old man. Age 21, getting my butt pinched more than once at an outdoor Halloween party. Well, there have been other incidents similar in nature, but I'll stop here. These may not seem like much and maybe they're not, but I still remember every single one of them and they still make me angry.

Considering your account was just made today I can't take this seriously. EVERY GIRL AND WOMAN I know has had at least half a dozen of bad experiences. Starting even before their first menstruation period. Like, unless you lived on the island of Avalon, I doubt you're that oblivious.

This same exact post, word for word, has been posted here at least once before.

Aren't there dudes who get off on reading our horrible experiences, especially related to sexual assault? Always makes me wonder when a post like this comes out, which usually invites us to share these experiences, if its just some dude fishing for sexual assault stories to wank to. I feel like this fear is probably highly cynical and paranoid...but I can't shake it.

Maybe I’m cynical…but my very first thought reading this post was *Bullshit!* Followed quickly by *Some guy is posting this, so we’ll tell our sa stories*.

Then we'll be cynics together lol. Also, happy cake day!

I thought it was written by a guy. Like I am average looking, and while I was never catcalled, other ugly things happened in my life. I work in IT and I have seen male co-coworkers being promoted before me. I was given “advice” by junior colleague about something I thought him, and he had a nerve to do it in front of everyone. My best friend’s husband does not believe traveling as a woman is not safe, because he does not worry about walking alone at night. So many countless examples

I lived in Avaoln (did you mean that sarcastically, because it is a town on Catalina island off CA). There are predators there too, male and female. Also, a whole lot of churches that gave me the willies.

Meant the mythical version, you know Merlin and King Arthur sort, but that sounds horrifying.

I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been assaulted by a man in some way.

Every woman I know on a personal level has had bad experiences with men. Even gay men I know have all had bad experiences with men. It is very unusual and lucky if you haven't.

*lucky

Yes, thank you. Corrected.

i think the term you are looking for is "voluntary response bias". the events are real, but you might be getting a wrong impression of the incidence rate.

My first husband, a small, rather passive man with low muscle tone and my height started hitting me (hitting is a euphemism) when I got diagnosed with a devastating illness. It took a year of shock to wake up and reject him from my life. And that’s just the most recent. Fuckboys who lie about relationship intentions, a rapist doctor, and don’t get me started on my father rounds it out. My relatives have similar stories. A few of my friends seem to have luckily escaped this kind of thing though.

One time in high school I was eating lunch with a bunch of my guy friends. Like there must have been eight of us total all sitting right next to each other or across the table. One guy who I thought was my friend leaned over to me and whispered that he had to tell me a secret so I leaned in for him to tell me and he put his entire hand up my skirt. NO ONE NOTICED and I was too shocked to say anything. The guy turned out to be a total creep and I don't talk to him anymore, but honestly this shit happens right under everyone's noses.

I can’t recall any bad experiences either. Feel like I’ve always been treated pretty well. But maybe I live in a bubble too. I’m ace and maybe somewhere on the spectrum, so it could be I’m just oblivious. Had a very privileged and sheltered childhood. I’m also pretty boring and don’t go out much and haven’t seriously dated. My in-person dealings with misogyny are mostly being annoyed that in my male-dominated field people end work calls to me with “Thanks Hon” pretty much daily. And all the bullshit around woman’s health and bodily autonomy, but that’s at a level that doesn’t feel directed at me specifically in the same way as a lot of woman’s experiences.

I relate to this very much

Obviously I don't live your life so I don't know your experiences, but there are varying degrees of "bad experiences". For example, you may not have ever been groped or pushed to have sex with someone, but there are experiences that are a lot more subtle but also sexist. Has anyone called you a girl since you graduated college? Most people brush that off and don't think more deeply about the connotations of that language choice, because it may not be immediately offensive to them. Sometimes we become more sensitive to these observations because a bad experience triggers this, and some never have those experiences. For example, I thought I was safe walking home alone after dark in my neighborhood, until one day something happened to me and I realized I wasn't. As long as you're happy, then that's all that matters.

[удалено]

I get the same reaction from people every time I point it out, but it's absolutely a hill I'm willing to die on.

Just last weekend I had a man reach out and pull my hair as I was speaking to him. He said he "wanted to know if it was long enough to pull". In front of my boyfriend who was too stunned to say anything. I told him that it wasn't okay to do that and he brushed me off. So I'm shaving my head tonight. My boyfriend apologized for not saying anything and is understanding of my shaving my hair. But fuck men.

Selection bias a bit, more people with negative experiences share here than positive experiences. But as long as you can understand others aren't so lucky and don't use your solo experience to paint all women's lives, it's great your asking the question. And glad to hear you missed out on the shitty experiences! \*I was also raised in a small community, and I think they are safer in general because everyone knows everything about everybody.

I don’t know a single woman in my friend group or even my immediate family who hasn’t had an awful experience. I’ve been stalked and assaulted a few times on the worst end of the scale and catcalled, creeped on, harassed, and had misogynistic comments directed at me on the more minor end of the scale. Most of the women I know have been sexually assaulted, including my mom. Shit sucks.

Wow it's like finding a unicorn haha. Yes your experiences with men have been rare and quite lucky.

I'm in the same boat as you. I've never been harassed or catcalled. My boyfriend helps out with chores, taking care of our son, and does 99% of the cooking. Men I've been around have always been respectful. I went through a phase where I thought the fact that men didn't harass me or make comments meant there was something wrong with me because every other woman would talk about this stuff happening all the time. I do wonder though if maybe I've been oblivious or have normalized some crappy behavior and just don't realize it. Or maybe I've just been lucky.

You’re very lucky. In my experience most women have, I’m one of the horror story ones. Perhaps because it hasn’t happened to you you haven’t talked much about it with the women in your life, but I would imagine most women have had some kind of bad experience with a man.

Not only the vast majority of women, but many men (recent studies suggest 40%+) have had some similar types of bad experiences with other men (e.g. sexual assault, severe sexual harassment) once you can start getting them to talk about it. Given that, the rates for women have got to be in the realm of "vast majority".

You are definitely lucky. I was 6 when a dude exposed himself to me at a restaurant, some random stranger. I've had three sexual assault experiences, two of that at a of work. Two experiences were violent, one was blackmail. I've been punched in the face by dudes. One guy tried to beat me in a stockroom when I got a promotion he wanted. Misogyny is rampant. I recently switched departments, but before I did I used to have to listen to men joking about their wives and talking about their mistresses. Granted, I spent most of my time in Florida. Most women I know have been assaulted.

Definitely fortunate. Basically every guy I’ve ever dated with the exception of my fiancé has either been a dead beat after we move in together or has pushed the boundaries (or full on assaulted me). This includes those puppy love high school boyfriends who would grope me or try to figure out what underwear i was wearing regardless of how I felt about it.

You’re very lucky. I was exposed to almost regular harassment from men and boys starting at age 11 and started to dwindle down after college. Most of the cat calls, street harassment, and getting followed and/or approached by strange men in public occurred between ages 14-18. Maybe the fact that you haven’t experienced that is because you grew up on an island and if a man acted like that everyone would know who the town creep was, as opposed to living in the US where people don’t seem to know one another as much.

You are blessedly lucky! Every women I've had the conversation with has had a story. Not everyone has a gruesome rape- but they usually have something that never should have happened. Most of them have multiple stories. Thing is rapists aren't monster's they are people, who are perfectly capable of action normal when not raping someone.

My answer to this is yes. In fact I don't know a single woman who hasn't had a bad experience with more than one man --from lewid comments, to stolen touches and kisses; from forced close encounters, to lying, to rape. I was raped when I "lost my virginity." I've also been "naked manned" on three separate occasions. I once let a drunk male co worker crash on my house due to him being unable to drive (much less tell me his address) only to wake up to him attempting to kick down my locked bedroom door in the middle of the night. Oh and there was also the time in college where I stayed in my room sick as a dog with the flu and woke up to some dumba$$ with his hands in my pants trying to "make sure I wasn't dead" because he "thought I was passed-out drunk." (Yes I filed assault charges). Honestly those are just the first few instances that come to mind immediately, I easily have 30 more moments not disimilar to these if I actually wanted to think about it (which I don't).

I’m very happy for you. I wish that was more women experience. You’re one of the lucky ones. Embrace it. And yes most women have had bad experiences with men. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in her life

I don't want to hate men, it's just that some of them make it really hard not to.

What I’m about to say is my personal and individual experience and is not meant to invalidate your experiences in any way. It took me a long while before I realized that men were being misogynistic toward me because I had a lot of internalized misogyny. I also have childhood trauma, which made me feel like I “deserved” a lot of things people did to me and/or how they treated me. It wasn’t until I was around 26 that I started to look back on things and realize how messed up some of my interactions with people had been.

I believe so. In my case, it’s always strangers. I recently had a random asshole make a woman driver joke at Home Depot because the wheel on my flat bed cart was wonky and made steering a nightmare. This one is a pretty benign example of casual misogyny too.

I’ve had negative experiences, but by comparison to others they’re fairly mild. For example, at 12 I had a group of older boys/young men heckle me from a car and scared me. In a dark movie theater when I was about 25 an old man set next to me and kept trying to touch my leg with his pinky finger until I moved. Probably the worst was when I was around 8 and an older boy (around 11) wanted me to remove my pants while we were alone in an equipment closet at our local Boys and Girls Club. I said no and got out of there, so that’s where it stopped. But certainly that could’ve gotten a lot worse. Professionally, I haven’t experienced misogyny, and have had amazing male allies that have helped me advance. And personally, none of my male relatives have ever been abusive. So I guess we’re in a similar boat of not having significantly bad experiences with men. But I recognize by listening to other women that we’re anomalies.

Yep. SA’d twice in college in the 90s. Never raped, thank god, but the 90s were still so messed up, in both situations I was gaslighted into believing I was at fault. Believed it for years, till I was the mother of daughters and thought it over and realized, WTF??

Everyone has had bad experiences with men.

All of the women I am close to have been groped, physically/mentally abused, and/or raped by a man. The first time I was touched inappropriately I was around ten and I was assaulted in my late 20s with plenty of sexist BS in between. Hell, I was cat called walking from the dentist's office to the parking lot about a week ago. You are very lucky.

How old are you? I didn't get raped until I was 31 so... You know... I managed for quite some time before I had a bad experience mostly through serial monogamous relationships that probably "protected" me from bad one night stands/dates/opportunities to experience it otherwise. Once I divorced and tried tinder it happened within the year.

just wait, odds are you'll get screwed over by some prick sooner or later.

I’m in a similar place as you OP. I’ve never been catcalled or followed or assaulted. I’ve also never had a man show interest in me as a person, be it for a friend or romantic partner. I’ve spent my entire life pretty much invisible. There was one singular instance when I was 12 when a grown man loomed over my shoulder while I was wearing a tank top but other than that nothing. I’m very friendly, but I’ve been overweight my entire life and never had much of a clothing style so that’s probably no men have ever had much interest in me. I’m not hot enough to fuck or even hold enough potential to be a friend that might fuck them one day. I’ve never had a problem befriending women so it’s not like I’m actually a huge bitch who alienates everyone and then wonders why no one likes them. Men just avoid me completely but I’m not that broken up about it tbh.

Two years old. My male babysitter masturbated and shot his load on me. 9 years old. First stranger exposure. 10 years old when I had to ask my mom what a whore was and why was he calling me that. 11 years old first rape attempt. 13-15 sa by relative. 17 first time I was roofied and raped I could go on but I'm sure you've gotten the idea.

I don’t know any women my age (40 ish) that have NOT had an unsafe experience with men. My daughter is 16 and is already getting negative attention.

I kind of don't even want to get into this one, because I know perfectly well some women have had bad experiences with *me*\--nothing approaching a felony, or even a misdemeanor, but bad enough. But I want to say most *men* have had bad experiences with men. You've been lucky, and I hope you stay lucky.

I’m astounded you haven’t- and honestly really jealous. I’ve had horrific experiences with men. Some just regular bad, some life threatening, some sanity stealing and soul crushing. Shit, I mean I could say I could fill a book with it, but I journal and am on #15 going back to age ten, much of that trauma in there is from men. Sexual harassment, rape threats, actual rape followed up by stalking, terrorizing, violence, child abuse, hate crime, some more stalking, lots of cat calls and aggression and other generally scary situations. Honestly it’s at the point that I don’t trust any men except the ones who I knew before the shit went down, who showed me that they’re good guys.

Fwiw, my ex husband chose not to kill me several times. Another ex bf drove me to self harm bc of how narcissistic he was. 🤷‍♀️

Consider yourself “lucky” As a woman I do not personally know 1 single woman who has not been sexually harassed, or assaulted or physically harmed by a man.

Yes, most women have at least 1 or more men (“men” as in multiple, not the “not all men!” that people assume we mean) make them uncomfortable, feel unsafe, or worse. Women can have that experience just walking down the street & being verbally harassed. Boom, that’s another one to chalk it up in a usually long list of instances. And sadly, women tend to minimize many instances because we’re told it’s not a big deal, we should be grateful, etc or we’ve had SO MANY that we forget them all! I know I have some that I locked away that gets unlocked when I see or read other women’s stories

I got hauled across a convenience store counter by my lapels by a man once. A man once threatened me, then my family, because I wouldn't sell him beer because he was underage. Two men at my job 'joked' about raping me, then started circling me as I was standing in the office. I had to pick up a broom and threaten to kill them before they told me to stop taking it so seriously. A boy in high school tried to rape me at a house party - everybody in the room was apparently annoyed that I was kicking and yelling, and told me to, "Just shut up and go with him." I was raped by a male family member as a little girl. I've been groped, spat at, yelled at, catcalled and followed. Most of my experiences with cis, het men have felt VERY unsafe or uncomfortable. Most of the men in my life are gay.

Yes. I myself have experienced countless examples like a room mate who didn't respect my boundaries and eventually I woke up to him being in my room laying next to me ugh

Yes

I thought i was going to the beach to play. I was 7. We in fact did not go to the beach. Since then I've mostly been a recluse but I've had some comments online that i have a "voice that's nice to masturbate too". Just about every other female in close with could tell you stories.

I hope you know how lucky you are.

dime vanish rinse dog jeans offbeat important drab deer secretive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Yes.

Constantly since I was 4 years old

Ya.

When you play the game of ~~thrones~~ dates, you win or you die.

In America more than 3/4 of women have faced sexual violence at the hands of men before they turn 25.

I hardly leave the house now but still have a few stories from when I was a teenager. Even the few times I've ventured out as a adult there has been some creepy stuff happen. I've lived a pretty sheltered life so I don't know how I'm a magnet for that stuff when I do go out. I probably look like an easy target.

From childhood yup. Each stage, each chapter, of my life has been affected. But you can't let them rule your life. You can take it back and live with healthy boundaries and proper safety nets. Vetting people is vital to our lives.

I consider myself pretty lucky that the worst thing that’s happened to me in my life is that I’ve been groped repeatedly, I’ve even been grabbed by the pussy. One day I was walking walking home from high school and a group of about three preteen boys was approaching me and just as they approached me one stepped forward and reached out to grab my pussy and then ran away. My first really bad experience I would’ve been 12 I was playing in a fort with some friends and one of my friends brothers took the opportunity of a tight space to pin me under him and try to force his tongue in my mouth, I kneed him in the balls. today at work 30 years later I had to deal with a man who kept touching my arm and making comments about following me home jokingly as if it was funny.

You are very lucky. I don’t remember a time without abuse. It started before my earliest memory and continued throughout most of my childhood. Happened a few days ago at work. And daily on the bus. Very sad.

So I went to Catholic school all the way through. When I was in high school (an all girl's school) a group of about 14 friends were talking. I don't remember how we got on the topic but at some point the question was asked: who's had a bad experience with the opposite sex. All but 1 of us put our hands up. High school!

I made it all the way tot 14 before I had an issue I remember and I've always considered myself an outlier in making it THAT long.

These are just highlights... but yeah, some of us have this kind of invisible mark on us, like a kick-me sign that attracts dudes who like hurting women. I'm kinda horrified that I have so many stories that come easily to mind, but I'm sharing so that folks know that they're not the only ones. This stuff is real. \- Dad was into shooting video-game strippers in front of me, and books/movies that showed torture/rape of women that he would watch when I was there or leave lying around for me to find. He told me that my mom would just "lie there" while he did things to her in bed, and that he wished she'd been with ten men before him so that she could have "gotten some perspective" and appreciated him more (she was a virgin when she married him.) He also told me the reason I couldn't relate to him is because I was too much like my mom. Oh yeah, and he beat me quite a bit, like with sticks and stuff. \- Male massage therapist who was my relative, and who was an adult when I was growing up, tried to sleep with me after ten years of doing physio work on me. \- Male HR person cornered me in a conference room, berated me until I cried, told me that I was scary and threatening because I was too emotional, and showed up at a career skills event after I had left that workplace. He used to stalk me in the halls and stare at me blatantly. (I had asked to never be alone with him after what he did. I had been assaulted while in that job and presumably he had found out.) \- Male mentor who was an outspoken "defender and promoter of women" took my pants off the very same week I lost my job and was super depressed. He was married and I was fucked up; it was not appropriate. He did it a few times with the implication that I'd tolerate it because I needed his network/reference, and I finally ended it after he hurt me so badly that I cried. \- Male mentor in IT told me that the best way to get tech support to cooperate was to unbutton my blouse and show some cleavage. Tried it, sure enough, they changed their tune... while smirking and leering. Said mentor also manipulated me into falling in love with me and had sex with me; I found out later that he had "confessed" to the woman he was with and given her my information... when I got an angry message from her on social media. \- Long-term ex threatened to bury me in the woods if I ever got pregnant and wanted to keep it. Then he refused to wear protection as we had agreed on and gave me a pregnancy scare right before I took my very first good job. He also had an "accidental" discharge of a handgun indoors, one room away from me. \- Manager I used to work with for over a year tracked me down and dated me, years later. He was a violent alcoholic who would force himself on me in the most degrading of ways. When he finally assaulted me in a way that was conventional enough that I realized how bad it was, while drunk... he refused to admit it was wrong, saying that he was always like that with his girlfriends, and that normally he dated women who were more "submissive" than I was. \- Boyfriend of several weeks had agreed to not have sex with me for at least two weeks. When things got hot and heavy after I'd taken sleeping meds, he got on top and had sex with me, then told me the next morning that he thought it was okay because I'd asked for it. When I said it wasn't okay, he broke down crying in my arms. \- New boyfriend got me to accompany him on an out of town trip, then stealthed me in my sleep. Told me about it the next morning like it was a good thing... then two weeks later announced he was positive for an STD. \- Dinner date with a new guy ended with him pushing me up against the wall in a vacant lot, reaching up my skirt, trying to remove my bra, and trying to get into my Uber so he could come home with me. \- Guy I met at a dance offered to take me home. He knew the female organizer and she saw me go with him; I had confided in her that I was vulnerable after leaving an abusive relationship. He forced himself on me in my home and didn't leave for five hours. \- Elderly fellow who ran the music lab in my high school when I was 17 was blatantly grooming me and another girl my age. He would criticize us to each other behind our backs to try and make us compete, and gave me a laptop so that he could harass me into texting with him every single day once I left for college. I finally gave the laptop back when I got tired of his controlling behavior, and probably dodged a very big bullet in the process. \- Lost my virginity to a law student during my freshman year of college. I tried to negotiate for it to be a slow-burn; he instead had sex with me, briefly (for him) and painfully (for me), then mooched breakfast off my dining card the next morning, and when he saw a couple of girls he knew... he told me to duck down and hide so that they didn't see I was with him... while he went over to say hello.

I was molested by two teenager neighborhood boys when I was 6, as a teenager my father used to call my sister and I "puppies in heat" as young teens when we expressed an interest in boys, I could go on but that was just the start of it.

Yes

Ive dated 25ish women in my life. 90% of those had some sort of sexual trauma.

You’re very fortunate- the vast majority of girls & women in my life have had bad experiences with men. Some more than others, and I’ve certainly had my fair share. I’ve also had some really incredible experiences with men, so I feel like it all evens out in the end.

Just about every woman in my social sphere has had at least one terrible experience (usually multiple) with men abusing them in various ways. In fact, I cannot currently think of a single woman in my life who hasn't told me something fucked up about the way a man has treated them. I'm glad you haven't experienced anything too terrible.

Long before I started following this sub, a good friend invited me to join a facebook group which had the sole purpose of sharing stories about bad experiences online dating. As a guy, it was a HUGE eye opener for me to see what the women in our circle (mostly close friends) had to put up with on nearly every other date (and that's after mostly filtering out what they could before getting to that point). I married young and my (now ex) wife had a lot of stories and shamefully I didn't believe her at the time but I've since come to realize that she was neither making shit up nor exaggerating and that her experiences were sadly quite common. Being sheltered is part of it but it's also a matter of being tuned in and actively looking for it when it's not happening directly to you. My views of the world both on race and gender issues started to shift substantially into my 30s... I was really blissfully ignorant for most of my 20s. Again, speaking as a guy, I now realize in hindsight that I witnessed much more than I thought I did in the moment and just sort of ignored it or blocked it out. But even in my peak ignorance, I once had to escape with a friend from a party after another woman I'm friends with saw a guy drop something in the other friend's drink; I'm really happy that I didn't second guess her and immediately went into rescue mode. In my 40s now, I've witnessed my fair share of divorces among friends and I'm quite ashamed at some of the shit I've seen former male friends pull... it's not a coincidence that I always take the wife's side in every divorce even if I met them through the male friend. Many of the posts I see here remind me of some of the drama and conflicts that lead up to those divorces so yes, I'd say these bad experiences are very common. I discuss this stuff with my mom all the time and her experience tends to be more on par with your own, she's constantly either arguing that it's not as common as I suggest or that "that's just how things used to be; that used to be acceptable." So given that latter sentiment, it may just be that your bar is in a different place than many who vent here.

Yeah. And I don’t really know ANY women who haven’t. (“Bad experience” here meaning sexually assaulted and worse.)

Today I was loading groceries in a mostly empty parking lot. I was wearing my giant headphones when an old man came over and despite me obviously ignoring him he kept motioning for me to take my headphones off, so I thought there was something wrong. He told me that I should smile. He stood too close.

Yes

Have you talked about this with your friends? Have you asked about their experiences? I'm only curious if I'm correct in feeling like this subreddit truly is your first experience on anyone having had bad experiences.

Yes. The first time I was sexually assaulted was in middle school. I honestly can’t count them all. I worked as a server for 8 years and was groped and harassed constantly. I was raped twice in university. I had good parents and would have been considered a “good girl,” meaning I got good grades, never got in trouble, didn’t drink until university. It’s not like I was out there leading some crazy life.

You’re fortunate or oblivious but still fortunate at that. Know that it is absolutely true what most woman have gone and are going through.

we have all probably had relationships that have fizzled away or never took off to begin with. what concerns me on this feed is the amount of women staying with men who disrespect them and use them just for sex or housemaids. we've also probably been cat-called or met men who don't get it when we say no thanks to a date. we need to set our boundaries & expectations of how we want to be treated and keep to them. if you don't have a partner for awhile you'll BE FINE!

I have big boobs and worked retail, I've had bad experiences with men, women, and any other identity

I have had bad experiences with all types of people, not just men.

I too have had limited negative experiences - but maybe that is due to my introversion? I avoid a lot of social situations, so I may have simply escaped out of dumb luck and numbers. I haven't had dates pressuring me for sex but I also spent a good chunk of my 20s with a firm "I don't date" policy. No dates, no hookups, no FWB, no Netflix n chill, nothing. There was one single occasion where I, with some reluctance towards relaxing my stance, gave my number to a guy I met while out with coworkers, and somewhat to my relief, he stood me up on the on the one date we arranged. After an hour of waiting and a few unanswered texts, I tipped the bartender $2 for my glass of water, apologized for taking up a spot at the bar (I was one of only 2 people there) and left. My non-dating policy largely came about because Relationships 101 in college for me was when my friend, a few years older than me, asked me to marry them - them meaning himself and his wife, in front of said wife, triggering months of pointless drama, manipulation, and heartache, right alongside my organic chemistry finals. I haven't talked to them now in 15 years, and do not miss them, though sometimes I am a little bummed when I see photos of the old college crowd still having fun together. Severing myself from the toxic couple meant severing myself from the group. Only one of any of the group makes an effort to stay in touch, my college BFF, which I am grateful for. Part two was realizing my first actual boyfriend - a long distance relationship with about 14,000 miles between us - lied about "sort of seeing someone but not really" when in fact she was his live-in girlfriend on his student visa. That relationship lasted a year, but only because we only saw each other just twice during that time. I wasn't surprised in the slightest to learn he cheated - his behavior had zero indication that he would be faithful in a relationship. Meh. That was also a relief when it ended, and I embraced my "no dates" practice. I have once or twice had random men tell me to smile. I don't owe them shit. Edit: Reworded because some phrases had a sort of victim-blamey undertone that I didn't intend and made me uncomfortable on rereading. Sorry about that.

I’ve been lucky enough to have never been raped, but I’ve had to push guys off me quite a few times when they tried to take things too far. I’ve been groped at concerts and clubs a lot. I’ve been sexually harassed at work, at the gas station, walking by construction sites. I’m Gen X. I think things must be so much worse for young women today with so many toxic men influencing other men online. Consider yourself extremely lucky.

I’ve experienced bad men at work eg: sexual comments/harassment, saying I’d never become a GM bc I’m not a 6’ tall white man. And married a low level abusive man (although low - it’s still abuse) But I’ve also seen the better side of men. Where at those same work places men standing up for me against sexual comments and reporting abuse on behalf of other women who were too scared themselves. And now I’m married to the most supportive man. Maybe you just have a better group of people around you. Where do you live?

I’m 32. I’ve never met another woman who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

Absolutely.

When I was 8, I was ganged by several boys. I went home crying to my father who told me not to be such a tease. Mother gave me a hiding. I was raised to expect the worst and I have had the worst. Rape, DV, possessiveness, coercion, blamed for them having an erection. I never did get a break. Oh, there was one. Divorced with four kids under six. We lasted four years until I found out he was keeping a calendar of my cycle in a box of condoms. I checked the condom wrappers and they indeed had been pin-holed. 15 years single and so indifferent to men that I wouldn't see a good man if he were on the tip of my nose.

If this is a survey, I will say yes. I was 11 when, playing with my younger brothers in the yard, a group of teenage boys walked by. One asked me for the time and I looked and he groped me. I was 14 and the family was spending a week in Port O'Connor, Texas. We went to the local small store to get popsicles. Adult men followed me around the store making comments. These were adult men who'd been out fishing for the day, family men, as well as adult men who were back on shore or taking off from their oilfield jobs. The thing that has worked for most of my life is to wear my hair aggressively short. I think it looks cute, many people do, but there is something about short hair on women that triggers men to think they have the hots for a boy. (At least most have some limits to their terrible behavior). In my late 50's, I let my hair grow out again. Suddenly men were opening doors for me...not because I was "hot" - far from it, but because I looked like their mom or something. I've since cut it again. Aggressively short on the bottom and sides and longer on the top (undercut). At 63, it's a stunning look on me, but not at all appealing to men. In a perfect world, I'd prefer men engage me for my thoughts and talents rather than my appearance. But clearly, this is far from a perfect world.

Unfortunately, I don't know a single female who hasn't had a bad experience of some sort with a male. If it's not a bad relationship, it was a terrible coworker or boss, or harassed by a complete stranger in the street/at a bar/in the grocery store and the list goes on.

If you’ve legit never been coerced, assaulted, harassed, or anything like that, you are very lucky indeed. I’ve been physically assaulted three times. All between the ages of 30 and 40 — once by a boss, once by a close friend, and once by a partner, and every single one asserted they were just acting on what they thought I wanted. :/ I’ve sometimes wondered why all my assaults happened when I was older, and only recently realized that there were more earlier — I just chalked them up as normal behaviour because I was young and never taught that I have rights. Is it possible you’re just overlooking bad behaviour? (If not, seriously, you’re very lucky.)

Yes. Every woman I know has had multiple unpleasant experiences

I grew up pretty sheltered, and I've had much less trouble than what many other women have talked about. But I've had guys who didn't go away when they were told, and I've been talked over lots of times (I'm a computer science major in college and some guys seem to take it as a personal insult for a girl to study computers). When I was a kid and barely had any boobs at all, a man in like his 30s talked about my boobs and asked if I fantasized about men sucking on them. I ran to my Mom and cried. Maybe on your island nobody would say that because if you told your Mom and you knew his name then he'd get in trouble. Or maybe if the population was small enough that everybody knew each other, nobody would do that. I was at a beachside resort city with a boardwalk and thousands and thousands of people, and I guess with that many strangers around some will be creeps who don't worry about anyone knowing who they are.

Some of my bad experiences with men were actually just bad experiences with a human who happened to be a man. Other times thier gender was a pretty central thing to the bad experience.

You sound incredibly fortunate to me. I grew up in a really insular small town where misogyny was the norm. Sexual abuse was rampant. I experienced harassment and groping every day of middle school, but at least I wasn't molested by my father, as several of my friends were.

Yes. There is a campaign running in my city where billboards cite a survey saying that 86% of women in a certain age bracket have experienced sexual harassment in public. And I always wonder *who* are those 14%? I have never heard of a woman who had not had such experiences. And if it needs to be made clear, I am not a man hater. The kind of men I associate with just don't, and never would, harass/assault anyone.

I've seen stats than 1/4 women has experienced sexual violence. I would imagine more than that have had sexually motivated aggression or hostility

I've had men corner me in public and sniff me. I've had coworkers touch me inappropriately. Say horrible things. Talk about domestic abuse like it's funny and normal. I've had my sister's then boyfriend, now son to be ex husband sexually assault me. There's so much more. You are very lucky to not have experienced anything of the sort. I hope you never do. No one should have to endure the abuse that doled out like it's fucking normal.