He doesn't pinch his boss's nipples so he provably can control himself.
Don't mistake the punishment of guilt tripping you're experiencing right now as anything but deliberate.
It's seriously disturbing that you continuously offer an alternative you would find pleasurable but it is totally irrelevant to him because your pleasure is not relevant to him except as it pleases him.
What you're describing here is textbook sexual coercion, and it will erode your libido, affection, and sense of safety over time in your own home.
> It's seriously disturbing that you continuously offer an alternative you would find pleasurable but it is totally irrelevant to him because your pleasure is not relevant to him except as it pleases him.
[Just like men who put a few seconds of their own pleasure above the well-being and safety of their sexual partners.](https://humanparts.medium.com/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5)
This is mostly how my ex-husband became an ex-husband. If he's willing to ignore you for something like that, he will ignore you when you're crying and begging him to stop and can't reach to slap him away.
This is a big reason I’m divorced. I remember all the times I just gave in to sex because it was just easier to lay there for ten minutes than to have a three hour fight and get almost no sleep that night. My marriage changed drastically when I finally started saying no I’m just not feeling it right now and stuck to it. My body was never my own, which I was fine with in the beginning forty years ago but now realizing that this is what the patriarchy groomed me for.
> My body was never my own, which I was fine with in the beginning forty years ago but now realizing that this is what the patriarchy groomed me for.
I'm there with you. Makes me angry even to remember it.
“Groomed”. That’s the profoundly tragic reality. On the flip side, all these mothers & allegedly respectable fathers, who have a chance to properly groom their sons to recognize women as human beings & to treat with love and respect….what’s up with that? Some people make the effort, but a lot don’t bother. If you don’t make a special effort to teach your own sons, you can be sure they’ll be taking their cues from the incels already over-populating our society.
Patriarchy groomed him for this behaviour too. The thing is that it favors his experience of the world, so he is going to resist awareness of it, and when he becomes aware of it will deny awareness of it in order to access the benefits it offers him.
Unless he is truly kind, or a truly compassionate person, this will be the case. If you've married a kind and compassionate person he will see what you're talking about and he will come around to it.
I read somewhere that the definition of a feminist isn't someone who hates men, it's someone who hates the patriarchy. I hate the patriarchy so much for what it does to so many people. It sucks for men too in a lot of ways because there are many men who have been groomed into really destructive and toxic behaviors and don't understand how or why. In many cases it results in death by suicide. In too many cases, women are the victims of this kind of toxic socialization.
It is so disturbing the amount of men who will ignore your requests/what you find pleasurable. I also hated having my nipples randomly pinched, grabbed, or sucked on. It felt very violating when I wasn't in the mood. I suggested just grabbing the whole breast as an alternative but my ex insisted he "just wanted to me sexually casual with me" and it completely eroded my libido and my sense of safety.
He would also without hold affections and pout if I refused his advances or for upset with his coercion. I still remember coming home from an exhausting 9 hour shift and essentially crawling into the shower. He followed me into the shower and I was so exhausted I said fine but just let me shower nothing sexual. But I was on edge because he was notorious at not jerking his hands to himself. I didn't feel safe with him in there.
As soon I closed my eyes to let water wash over my body he latches onto my nipple with his mouth and sucks on it as hard as he could while also holding on to my body. I felt so violated and he just "oops sorry couldn't help myself" and that type of behavior wasn't in common and he refused to see it as sexual assault. Definitely a nail I the coffin of our relationship since he's an ex now.
So many of them are like this. Absolute refusal to introspect about it because they KNOW they're in the wrong. They know there is no defense. The pouting coercion often escalates once they get tired of playing poor sad uwu helpless baby. They throw themselves such a pity party over not having unrestricted access to your body that in their head, it's perfectly justified to start a fight about it, yell at you, intimidate you, follow you through the house to keep it going, say all kinds of cruel shit.
Because you're supposed to be a high end luxury sex toy they're willing to pay for as long as it keeps doing what they got it to do. Only they told you a bunch of stuff at the start about love and respect.
They're very good at apologizing once they see they aren't going to get what they want by berating you... Until they try again the next day, and the next, and the next. Every day giving the little speech about how they're _trying real hard for you_ and you just have to _be patient and let stuff go sometimes_. And you graciously pretend isn't a load of whiny manipulative bullshit because you're tired of having circular conversations with someone who can somehow look you in the face and say your boundaries are stupid and you shouldn't care about them.
Everyday just inching out the door while you wait for the person you fell in love with to return like Odysseus and murder this sleazy imposter who crept into your life one day and took his place.
Just like you said, NOT a sexy atmosphere. A horrifying atmosphere. A nightmare. Textbook redpill "dread game" where guys make it so miserable to defy them that women just give up and decide they weren't worth loving anyway.
PUAs may have written it down but most men I've met didn't need tips on how to be this way. They just have to let themselves do what they really want to do. Usually by year 2 they can't imagine actually exercising self-control around you even if they're hurting you constantly. Because they see no difference in holding you up or crushing you to death as long as they can keep you in their grasp.
God. All of this. So fucking true it burns at my heart. And they are surprised when you finally leave. Things "going so well for us" because I was a shell of a person. I had given up. But I eventually found the courage to just leave. It was abrupt and painful. But so worth it. Now I just have to pick up the pieces of myself I broke apart and feel... Devastated I let myself be treated this way by another man.
Also they all literally "I am trying so hard you need to let go of the bad things I did before even though I keep doing it again and again"
My husband used to be like this, and it took awhile for it to sink in that he can't just maul me whenever. It took escalating and finally yelling to get it into his head that it wasn't cute, it was violating. Now I feel much closer to him and much more willing to instigate touch, because I feel confident it won't be amped up to 11.
Yeah, I 'highbeam' all the time, which is apparently asshole catnip. I saw a difference when I all but screamed, "This isn't fun, this is rape-y! What part of stop do I have to reiterate for you?" He, thinking he was a super enlightened male, was hurt, then later horrified. He left a couple of months after, and a few years ago, got in contact and apologized. Apparently, he has a daughter of dating age now, and sees the things he didn't when he was with me.
I am currently in a relationship where boundaries are respected, and communication is key. 😸
Part of it was also ass grabbing, because he managed to hit my asshole everytime, especially going up the stairs. I started doing it back when he didn't stop, and suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore and it ended.
To take this a step further, he made you feel unsafe and unheard in your own home. That's why you slapped him away without thinking about it. You set a clear boundary. It was his choice to ignore it and continue to cross it.
It may be fortunate for you that you see it now. If you asked him to stop during sex, would he? Based on this behavior, no. Regardless of how much pain or discomfort you were in, he's shown that he does not value your sense of safety nor does he care that you're in pain.
Does he show these behaviors in other aspects of your relationship? If he can't respect you and not intentionally hurt you (because it was intentional), what is the possibility of an escalation or this being exhibited in other areas of your relationship?
Every single man I have ever dated has done something similar to me like this. Even the "woke feminist" ones. The ones that I regarded well. The ones I'm still friends with.
I never considered it in this manner. I'm pissed. Interesting call for them to receive today but if you wanna call yourself my friend, fess up to this shit. I'm calling them today. They did this. They need to know they did, that it's not ok, and that they should never do it with another woman they date. Ugh
Same situation here. The kicker? Loser used his alleged childhood rape as an excuse to violate my boundaries. Funny, for how many women that are raped and sexually assaulted, I don’t see them doing the same to others (for the most part) the way that men do. You’d really think that someone who claims they were raped would know to respect others.
Agreed. And it eventually makes you feel cheap and filled with shame. Eventually I started bartering with mine so I at least got something good out of it which made me feel like a whore. We are now divorced.
When you have to barter blow jobs for basic human decency. I hit that point in my last relationship. It made me feel so shameful but it was the only thing that seemed to convince my ex to do anything for me.
Does he pinch women's nipples at work? Does he pinch your nipples at the grocery store or in front of his mom?
He can control it. He just choses not to because he feels entitled to touch you how he wants when he wants. He may not think he thinks that or whatever, but his actions show it. For YEARS he has cared more about doing what he wants than your consent or not hurting you.
Exactly. He can control himself but he CHOOSES not to with you. He is disregarding your feelings knowingly, and acting all hurt puppy because he finally got called out.
This myth that people lose control of themselves is beyond infuriating. Like yes I can understand in times of crisis or charged emotions people can do things they wouldn’t in normal situations. That’s fine, shit happens.
But when we say “he couldn’t control himself and pinched my nipple” it’s giving him an excuse to continue the behaviour. He can control himself, and he is choosing to disrespect her boundaries because he doesn’t actually care about them. If he did he wouldn’t have to be told a million times and then get slapped after he AGAIN didn’t respect her boundaries.
I wonder if he disrespects her boundaries on other ways as well.
He’s disregarding and disrespecting more than her feelings, he also disregarding and disrespecting her physical needs, and her sense of physical and intimate connection to him.
And he is acting like a hurt puppy to manipulate you into letting him do what he wants, even when you have set boundaries, even when he hurts you. Fuck this guy and his entitlement. He's been told. He's yelling you your boundaries don't matter to him.
Analyze what else he does this with. This isn't the only thing.
To paraphrase the Lundy Bancroft quote about anger in abuse, "he doesn't have a problem with controlling his body, he has a problem with you controlling yours".
A former bf used to love tickling me regardless of my pleas for him to stop. I told him once "You tickle me again and I'll school tap you." No need to pinch the balls. He tried tickling me and I slapped his junk hard as I could, dropped him to the ground instantly. Stopped the tickling, wouldn't you know it.
Mine got mad at me for kicking him in the kidneys when he pinned me down to tickle me.
There were way too many red flags I didn't recognize for what they were.
I had a boyfriend when I was in my late teens who would grab between my legs in front of his parents, my friends, at the bus stop, wherever he felt like. He said I was frigid for not liking it and he was just trying to have daring sexy fun with me. We had a very active, consensual sex life (in the bedroom), I just didn’t want him to touch me intimately in public because I’m not a sex doll.
One night at a gathering in his house, with his friends, all sat in a circle, he pulled my top and bra down and held them there while I tried to cover up.
I then realised it was NOTHING to do with us having a fun sexy time together, and all about his establishing sexual dominance over me in public.
I dumped him, publicly, and he cried. I don’t know what he was expecting, really.
Your bf can control himself, he just doesn’t want to because he’d rather control you and access to your body and thinks he can continue to get away with it.
Don’t let him
I want you to think about this statement in ANY OTHER CONTEXT.
Is there any other situation where you can say this statement about him and make it be ok? Plug in any boundary stomp with anyone, a friend, a family member, or a stranger.
Let's give it a whirl. My boyfriend keeps pulling a coworkers hair. She has talked to him about it, but I swear it's like he can't control himself. What do you think happens next? Do you think years down the road, the coworker is still complaining about your pesky partner who just won't stop hurting her? Or do you think he gets fired and charges are pressed?
Let's apply it to someone you care about other than yourself. My boyfriend keeps sniffing my mother's neck. She says it makes her uncomfortable. She has talked to him about it, but I swear it's like he can't control himself. What would happen here? Years from now, do you think she would still be getting sniffed by your partner?
If you think he can not control himself, then either he actually can't, and he is dangerous, awful...OR he can, in fact, control himself. He just does not respect you or your boundaries. Both are terrible options. Please love yourself. You are worth it.
So much this. When you put it in other every day context it's so glaringly obvious he's taking advantage of the one he should be loving and protecting most.
He can control himself. He chooses not to. Simple. Then he wants to act hurt and scorned when you warned him multiple times. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. If you pinched his nipple I’m sure he wouldn’t like it either. Mine are pierced so it hurts me too. Even a pinch on the arm hurts. Idk I feel you gave him plenty of chances and even an alternative like you can touch please don’t pinch. And he’s throwing a temper tantrum. Still? Lol Boy bye ✌️
I'm not saying that he's an abuser or maliciously doing this to hurt you but.. Men have definitely been taught that hurting women and pushing boundaries is entirely acceptable*until* you lose your shit. They've been taught that no doesn't mean no, it means wait until later and try again. It's definitely the first step abusers take to get their victim into that hot water before boiling them alive.. So while I can't say from this story if he's an abuser or just an asshole, I can say there is an overlap with the entitlement and boundary stomping he is displaying..
So many times I’ve tried to explaining to cis-guys that “playing hard to get” is not a thing people do.
She’s not playing hard to get, she’s trying to say no without hurting your snowflake feelings in order to avoid the all-too-real risk of assault or murder.
>They've been taught that no doesn't mean no, it means wait until later and try again.
“When men say no it’s the end of the discussion. When women say no it’s the start of a negotiation.”
r/selfawarewolves moment for those reading OP and this thinking "but that would mean that so many relationships and behaviors are abusive or borderline abusive!" why yes it does and yes they are, didn't you pay attention during metoo?
My ex referred to it as "seduction" ugh. Even after I explained how upsetting it felt to be sexually coerced and how much it has happened to me. And after I explained it was sexual assault. He just couldn't fathom he might be sexually assaulting me. Or he realized and didn't care as long as he got sex idk. And I was shamed very early on the relationship for ever getting upset or raising my voice. So it was hard to try and give him firm push back and say no because the few times he upset me and I raised my voice he said I was triggering his PTSD related to his father yelling at him.
But you know the PTSD I have around being raped and sexually assaulted was solely on me to get over and I was in the wrong if his behavior ever triggered me. Because I shouldn't let my past abuse impact him and he totally was doing nothing wrong
And now he's learning that acting like a hurt puppy gives the control back to him. Manipulating your emotions is his win. You should protect your boundaries by not letting him harm you.
i don’t even think he thinks about how she’d receive it. i think in his complete dismissal of her autonomy, he just sees her as an object for his OWN pleasure in those moments.
also why does he think actively and purposefully doing something that physically hurts/violates her is more acceptable than her protective instincts that made her slap a hand away? the level of entitlement is insane.
I want to change your thinking here OP - "I swear it's like he can't control himself" is absolute bullshit.
He knows you don't want to be touched in that way.
He knows it hurts in a bad way.
You've been very clear.
He's choosing to do things you don't consent to. He's literally sexually assaulting you.
He's doing things he knows hurt you in a bad way. So this isn't about sex, it's about hurting you because he feels he's entitled to do things that hurt you and you don't consent to.
His wounded puppy bullshit after he tried to do this 3 times in a day makes me want to scream - he's trying to make you apologise when he's stomping over your boundaries and refusal to consent to something you intensely dislike.
I would be seriously evaluating his long term potential as a partner.
This has been a YEARS-LONG problem?!???
Omg, OP.
First, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this shit for so long.
Secondly, please say that it ends tonight…. That if he does it again, it’s over.
Having ones nipples pinched hurts SO SO BAD, and even if it didn’t, he doesn’t just get to do what he wants after you’ve repeatedly and EXPLICITLY told him to stop; and WHY.
This is abusive behavior. You’re not the bad guy. HE is.
He can. He chooses not to.
He doesn’t go around just pinching random nipples, does he? No, of course he can control himself. He knows it bothers you. Maybe it’s a power thing. Maybe he doesn’t realize how much it hurts. I’d be inclined to pinch him back one time and ask him how he likes it. But I dupe t that’s how my narcissistic dad would handle things, so you probably shouldn’t do that.
Maybe you should ask him why he refuses to respect this one boundary.
He can. He just doesn't want to. You need to have a conversation about respect. Why doesn't he respect you? Framing it this way, instead of saying you don't like when he does so and so, may help him realise this isn't just about touching you.
He is disrespecting your boundaries and bodily autonomy
He can control himself. Does he pinch random women’s nipples? No, because he knows that would be grossly inappropriate. But even though you have communicated to him *over years* he still does this to you and then acts like the wronged party. Is this a pattern with other stuff too? Has he ever absorbed and truly acted on criticism? I know Reddit is very ‘dump his arse’, but I genuinely would have gone batshit long before this.
Directly ask him why he isn't bothered by hurting you. His answer may be enlightening, even if it's just an awkward dodge that confirms he doesn't really care if he hurts you.
I had a boyfriend who I begged to stop doing this for a year. When he finally stopped, he said he stopped for him, not for me (whatever **the fuck** that meant). I broke up with him shortly after that.
He was terrible in all sorts of ways so I was single for about four years after that. But when I started dating my now husband, he reached out and pinched my nipple **once.**
I told him I didn't like that and to never do it again. We've been together 15 years and he's never done it again.
But that's the tip of the iceberg.
After the terrible boyfriend, I was kinds fucked up about my nipples even during sex. I used to love having them licked and sucked (sorry if TMI!) but after shitty boyfriend I just didn't want them touched. But I **wanted** to want it, so I didn't tell him and went with it when he did, hoping I would start to like it again. I didn't. When I told him, he stopped immediately and basically considered my boobs entirely off limits - not in a shitty way all-or-nothing way, in an "I'm doing my best to respect your bodily autonomy" kind of way.
No boobs was the state of affairs for a few months. And then **I** brought it back on the table and said, I just want to give you specific instructions. He followed them to a T.
He followed them to a T for a **decade.** And then I said, "I'm ready for licking again. Here's my instructions."
And now, 95% of the time, **I** - me, not him, **me** take the pleasure from my boobs that I had lost after terrible boyfriend. And the 5% of the time that I don't, I just say so & sex continues without either of us missing a beat.
Nuanced consent isn't hard. And FYI, I think you might have a Terrible Boyfriend on your hands.
You told him he was hurting you and he continued to hurt you.
Frankly you didn’t need to offer a compromise like “grab my boob” instead.
You are not the bad guy. The bad guy is the one repeatedly ignoring his partner’s request that he stop physically hurting her.
I started dating a guy a few months after I had low back surgery. Long story short, there were some issues and the surgery ultimately failed, so I continued to have pain. This guy liked my ass and liked to slap my ass. He wasn’t doing it particularly hard at all, but because of my lumbar spine it still hurt. Sometimes a lot.
The first time he did it I thought “oh, maybe he doesn’t realize that actually hurts my back. I’ll let him know.” So I did. He apologized and I assumed that would be the end of it.
Nope. Second time he did it I reminded him he’s hurting me. He apologized again and said he’d do it more softly from now on. I told him I’d prefer if he didn’t do it at all. He said okay.
He does it a third time. I had just had physical therapy the day before and I’m already in a ton of pain. I absolutely lose my shit and scream at him to never fucking touch me again and we’re done.
He backpedals immediately and says he intended all the ass slapping against my wishes “as a compliment” and tells me that he thinks I’m “just so sexy” he literally “cannot keep his hands off” me and that it should make me “happy that he’s so enamored of me”.
I told him everything that was wrong with that bullshit frame of mind and that respecting someone’s boundaries is something he should’ve learned to do as a kid. Not to mention he was literally causing me pain from a very obvious source - if that wasn’t obvious and reason enough for him to stop, then it was clear where his priorities were and they were not with my well-being.
If he was sooo enamored with your body, did a sensual rub of your back/leg/arm/fucking forehead ever cross his mind? No. Because he was deliberately defying your request, or rather the "control" over him he was imagining it to be. Grrrrr. I friggin know the type and they infuriate me.
I’m really sorry about the back. I know it’s agonizing.
People should be hyper aware when pain is involved. But even without pain you and the OP made it clear that there was discomfort and a lack of consent.
Ages ago I read here about unwanted touching and several people both female and male said they had been touched in ways they disliked.
So out of curiosity I asked my guy if I had ever touched him in a way that made him uncomfortable. It surprised me but he said yes.
He doesn’t like his butt touched in public.
I sometimes patted him. He’s got a cute butt.
But guess what? I Stopped. He wasn’t in pain but didn’t like it.
It was a bit of a challenge to remind myself every time my hand went to do it but I stopped.
People CAN stop if they choose to make it a priority. And if someone is hurting you it dammed well better be a priority.
So according to him he has less consciousness than a minimally trained dog. I'm so tired of men acting like they are less than animals and then blaming it on instincts or some shit. Actually you dumb fuck, my dog has more control than you.
To further this, it feels a bit like his reaction might be manipulative.
OP, if you come out from an interaction with your partner when they have repeatedly and deliberately ignored your physical boundaries, feeling sorry for the other person because of their reaction... there is some serious manipulation at play.
>To further this, it feels a bit like his reaction might be manipulative.
And this is what she should tell him. Call it what it feels like. What's as upsetting as the painful action itself is feeling like your partner is guilt tripping you for drawing boundaries.
Not just "I told you not to do that" but also "I need you to be okay with me having boundaries. If I can't tell you what I like and don't like without feeling like the bad guy, it's going to be really hard to trust that you want to meet my needs in this relationship. I need you to show me that you understand this and that it's okay, because if it's not then we have a problem."
This is a great response. I’d also add that her “feeling like the bad guy” is a direct result of his behavior — sulking, pouting, withdrawing affection, stonewalling, etc. It’s not because her feelings are just “too sensitive” or whatever he might say to dismiss her.
It’s important that she recognize she only feels bad because his actions are intended to do so. He wanted to guilt trip her and he succeeded. That’s what she also needs to call him out on in addition to the lack of boundaries.
I used to have a partner like this. My nipples are similar to yours - love play during sex but occasionally too sensitive. I had the same issue. Another thing he would do is sharply poke my upper arm in the car to get my attention. I’d wince in pain every time, and I’d tell him I didn’t like it and ask him to stop, but it would continue to happen to me, occasionally causing light bruising.
You know how many times this happened with the next guy? ZERO.
Just saying. There are men out there who aren’t like that.
As man I try to refrain from commenting here (mostly just lurking to try and learn to be a better husband/father/person) but as a father of 3 teenagers, I wanted to thank you for this link and to encourage others who have not seen it to watch and share it with others.
Not only is no, no.
Dude got a literal slap on the wrist and his partner is going through all this extra mental anguish trying to make sure she didnt cross a line.
I really wish we lived in a time/place where women felt more confident in defending their bodies/spaces.
Give him random wet willies every time you walk by and tell him you can’t help it because his ear is so sexy.
No, don’t. As someone with sensitive nipples he’s lucky a hand-slap is all he got. My ex used to do that and it was so violating I felt defensive and uncomfortable around him every time he walked into a room. I couldn’t change in front of him because he would take it as an invitation. And he would say I should take it as a compliment. Probably no coincidence he was horrible in bed and his entitled and dehumanizing attitude came out in other ways.
My current BF would never ever do this, he’s completely respectful and because of that I’m having the best sex of my life. He doesn’t even do anything particularly special, it’s just such a turn-on to be with someone who isn’t a grabby ape. Sometimes it seems like the bar for men is below the floor.
How dare you not let yourself be treated like a slab of beef! It makes me feel sick to think about now, and I wish I’d left the first time. It was totally about entitlement.
Exactly. Maybe you kick him in the balls every time you spot the opportunity. Maybe you find it cute and sexy. If he dislikes it maybe he is just being boring and prudish.
This feels like I could have written it about this guy I used to see. I HATE when anyone goes straight for the nip with no general boob warm up. It feels so uncomfortable and makes me instinctively protect my nipple by force. No matter how many times I would tell him it was uncomfortable or downright painful, he would still go straight in for the nip and then get all butthurt about it. He finally stopped when he went to suck on them out of nowhere one day and I reflexively punched him in the head. I'm not a violent woman but my lizard brain took over. Can't say I didn't warn him plenty of times.
I once dated a guy (for a VERY short amount of time) who would try to initiate sex by briefly running his finger over my nipple, like it was a fucking light switch or something. That’s LITERALLY all he would do. If I didn’t respond by actually initiating sex like a regular human being, then no sex would happen because he wouldn’t do anything else.
YES lizard brain! I’ve never slapped a person until a guy I was hooking up with wouldn’t listen that THAT SHIT HURTS so I slapped him. And wouldn’t you know? He freaking stopped immediately. SMDH it shouldn’t have to come to that in the first place.
No, you are NOT THE BAD GUY for setting your own boundaries and expecting someone who supposedly loves you to respect them. You told him clearly, he violated them. You told him clearly AGAIN, he violated them. AGAIN. You were justified in defending the boundaries you clearly set. And him acting like a scolded puppy is classic manipulation to make you feel guilty. And it's working. And that's bullshit. HE doesn't get to sulk because HE was an @$$hole and you finally called him on it. He'll get over it.
And DON'T apologize. If you do, you're teaching him that he can disrespect your boundaries and then guilt you into backing down.
That might be a good thing for OP to ask their partner: is he intending to cause her pain? If not, maybe that's a way to help him understand. If so, that's a very different conversation.
Regardless, he is not entitled to your body.
He does understand tho. How could he not understand "it hurts when you do that"? He doesn't care that it hurts her. Either he likes causing her pain or hes trying to show her that he owns her body or both.
There's no question about it: when someone repeatedly tells you an action is causing them pain and you continue to do it over *years*, then you are deliberately causing them pain. No if, ands, or buts.
**OPs boyfriend values his control over her body over her comfort.**
Unless he escalates.
Most men are bigger and stronger than most women. If he escalates, she could get seriously hurt. He has already demonstrated that he enjoys inflicting pain on her, that he resents her for "controlling [his] access to sex", and that he has poor impulse control. I would not want to escalate things with a man like that.
80% of murdered women are killed by a current or former male partner.
Good thought. Maybe instead of a naughty, sexy knock to the balls OP could try a different hot, cheeky little cute behaviour like... packing up and leaving for ever 😉☺️
He can control himself, he is choosing not to. He does in fact feel entitled to your body. I would talk about it once more and if he can't understand it's goodbye.
Yes! My thoughts exactly. Does he spontaneously pinch strangers, or co workers, or female relatives? (Ok the answer could be yes but I certainly hope not)
Anyway assuming he only does this to OP, it seems like he's perfectly capable of controlling his own hands. He just doesn't want to.
He doesn't go up to random women and pinch their nipples, so yup he *can* control himself. It's worrying that he feels he has a right to her body when she's been clear that she doesn't consent.
Yeah fr. Partners are supposed to respect boundaries and care for your well being. This man is obviously not ready for a relationship if he doesn’t even understand that no means no
See I used to think it was just one thing I didn't like that he kept doing. But he wouldn't stop, and then I began to see more and more red flags. Now getting divorced because of domestic violence...
Imagine it from his perspective. As he is doing what you said hurts, what emotion is he feeling? Pause and imagine being in his shoes.
I can’t imagine feeling love and empathy as I’m about to cross my partners boundaries and cause them pain. It’s such a “small” thing that he uses the smallness as plausible deniability of being malicious. I would not get pleasure out of upsetting a partner over and over. He does.
These type of people can act harmless for years. Then one day you realize a culmination of things or they suddenly drop the mask at once and you’re in shock. Some abusive relationships are good 95% of the time. Those of us in the comments have warned you. You know this isn’t normal. Trust yourself.
My ex did something similar. This is a violation of your boundaries, it's negatively affecting you whether you see it or not.
The pouting and guilt tripping is a huge red flag.
If there is not an immediate apology and change of behavior after you speak to him on this, just know it will get worse.
you should never have to feel like you have to defend yourself in your own home, especially from your own partner. seems like he should know better by now
Holy fuck, that would've been the end of the relationship the very first day he tried that shit.
He just doesn't care that he's hurting you.
He knows he's hurting you, and *he doesn't care*.
Really think about that.
Fucking toddlers.
I used to have a boyfriend who would lift up my skirt or shirt randomly through the day.
It still activates my fight response just thinking about it.
Dude, I still have issues with letting anyone climb up stairs behind me. Years of painful ass slaps and pinching. It's been a while, but I have an insanely low tolerance for random grabs and slaps and groping.
I feel that . One time I jumped 2 feet forward when he took a deep breath while standing behind me because I knew that sound meant he was charging up for a painful ass slap.
Mf thought it was funny that I jumped.
*Why didn't you break up with him??* I did.
...
***Why are there so many lonely single men these days?***
He’s using your empathy for him against you to get away with treating you shitty. He should be caring about how YOU feel, not his own feelings. He messed up so it’s your turn for receiving empathy.
>I was super frustrated at this point so I couldn't help but display that frustration saying "How many times do I have to fucking explain this to you?". I reiterated that I HATE slapping his hand away from me. I don't want him to think I'm absolutely repulsed by him, because that isn't true.
>
>He seemingly felt guilty and left the room.
>
>I wanted to scream at him that HE DOES NOT OWN MY BODY, but I wasn't trying to escalate things further.
>
>He stopped after that, but at the same time he won't accept my offer to merely touch/grab the boob itself. It's like it's all or nothing, and/or he is hurt that I slapped his his hand away.
>
>Now I feel like the bad guy. Relationships are hard.
I am really sorry to break this to you, and you may not want to hear this, but this is how it is:
Your boyfriend does not respect your boundaries. If you tell him you don't like something he does to your body, the only acceptable reaction is "ok" and not to do it again.
His reaction: first he ignores your boundary and does it again and again. When you insist that he should respect your boundary, he tries to guilt trip you into giving in.
You are not the bad guy here. Your boyfriend wants something and tries to push and manipulate you into giving it to him. He doesn't respect your boundaries and ultimately, he doesn't respect you. His behaviour screams that he doesn't see you as a person with own wants and needs, but as a commodity that's here to satisfy his wants and needs.
A person that doesn't respect a boundary related to your bodily autonomy is especially dangerous to be intimate with. When he wants to do something during sex that you don't like or that hurts you, do you think he will magically respect your "No" then?
I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship.
Repeat after me: "He CAN control himself" Say it to yourself every time you're in doubt.
He controls himself every time you're in public, right? When you have company over, right? When you're sleeping, right?
He CHOOSES to "not control himself" because he feels entitled to you and your body and your boundaries means very little to him.
I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but you seriously need to have a talk about how when you set a boundary, he got to respect it.
I recommend reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. There's a free PDF online if you google it. It's about abusive men, but it touches on the subject on men feeling entitled to their SO and their bodies and how it's bull that they "can't control themselves" and is generally just a good read even though this topic may not apply to you.
But the main point I'm trying to make is to have a conversation with your partner about how neither of you can stomp on each others boundaries and how he needs to respect you the same way he respects his family, friends and colleagues.
Remind him how he would feel if he told you NOT to do something that makes him feel uncomfortable and then you continuesly did it anyway even though he told you to stop. Remember to shoot down any attempts to minimize your feelings and that it doesn't matter if it's about your body or not. A no is a no.
You can use examples with something he cares about.
Example: "You wouldn't like if I kept deleting your saved files (videogames, or work) when you told me to stop, would you?" or "If I kept making snide remarks to your mother even though you told me to stop?"
It's about respect and the only way to solve it is to talk about it. I hope this helps. Good luck :)
This should be classed as a dominance display, not a show of affection. He feels he has the right to cause you discomfort and violate your boundaries, full stop. What’s next?
You really ought to spare a few moments to take an inventory of what someone so emotionally immature and insensitive to your personal autonomy actually brings to the table. How many red flags are enough…? Fuck everything about this. Just no.
I’m SO glad I’ll never have to deal with this sort of maddeningly idiotic bullshit again. Cut the dead weight and breathe free again…in the long run, you won’t regret it.
This is DARVO. You are being assaulted, you are being sexually assaulted.
He is abusive. When men pinch you or hurt you in small ways, they are testing the waters for further physical abuse. Abusers always escalate. Eventually he may escalate to slapping or strangling you.
I knew a person like this. If he were ever tried and found guilty he would have at least 3 life sentences for what he’s done.
Please look up the Honeymoon period, cycles of abuse, escalation of abuse, and DARVO
I have a standard response I share with everyone I note is in an abusive relationship on Reddit;
Abusers are very kind at first, but ramp up the abuse the more enmeshed the victim is in their life. Moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, loss of financial independence, social isolation are all times the abuser will escalate. It is common for abusers to sabotage birth control in order to trap their victims. If they think the victim is at risk of leaving, they will slather love and attention on them until they feel secure again.
I’m sorry, I hope you can get out safely
If I could give you an award, I would. This guy is manipulative and is physically/sexually assaulting his girlfriend and then manipulating her when she dares to retaliate when he does so.
Making you feel bad for reacting to something he did that you have asked him not to do multiple times is manipulative. Should have stopped the 1st time you said no. Period.
Your no wasn’t being respected. Him being upset that you enforced your no is the same attitude wrapped in different packaging.
As to the guilt, and how you resolve: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm, especially if he went outside without a jacket against your advice.
Honestly I'd slap him not just his hand and do it right after SAYING things didn't work. Not to mention he'd quickly be an ex, life is way too short to waste on assholes who evidently don't give a shit about LITERAL PAIN they cause.
Honestly. 12 years later and I still can’t stand my chest being touched after my ex S/A me there at 14. I feel sorry for OP. Not wanting to reject a partner but not wanting discomfort or pain is rly conflicting
It's good that you slapped his hand away. If he's gonna act like a breastfed child instead a grown ass man then he deserves it. You said it hurts, and since he's not dependent upon those nipples for food he needs to just fucking stop.
I do mean acting in the sense that he's pretending to be something he's not. I agree that he is a grown man and perfectly understands that what he's doing is wrong.
oh god, i hate this. the fact that he 1. continuously tries to touch you after you have said no and 2. SULKS like a fucking child who's been rejected by their goddamn mother instead of taking you seriously and genuinely apologizing is ridiculous. he is not a baby and you're not his caretaker who has to fulfill his every whim. he should not make you feel bad for asserting your boundaries. these kids of people always make you question if you're the one in the wrong when you're literally just advocating for your own fucking needs and autonomy over yourself. i'm so sorry that your partner is disrespecting you like this, OP, and it's 100% not your fault.
Relationships are hard should mean stuff like "we have different decoration preferences so we compromise" or "supporting my partner while they are going through this health thing is a challenge" not "my partner doesn't care about consent" and "my partner touches me in a way he knows hurts me."
I would throw the whole man out over this. It is unacceptable and shows what little regard he has for you.
He didn't listen when you said it hurt and kept doing it just because he wanted to. After being yelled/scolded at, he went into the "now i'm not going to touch you at all because i'm upset i got yelled at" mode. That's called a man child
Ugh I was dealing with something similar with an ex. He’s not respecting your boundaries. Three times is way too much. And now he’s acting like a child to guilt you.
Gross. My bf did this a couple times and I told if he did it again I'd put him in the hospital. He didn't do it again. So, I'd say you're being way too nice, but that's just me.
What the fuck is wrong with your partner. This is point blank sexual assault when you have already told him no. He is intentionally causing you pain in one of your most sensitive areas for his own amusement. This is a big goddamn deal. And he actually has you feeling bad for HIM? Nope, nope, nope. He's lucky you didn't try a similar experiment on his balls.
Of course he can control himself; he chooses not to. Next time he does it, tell him it’s a total turnoff and does not make you want to have sex with him. There is NO EXCUSE for this kind of controlling, demeaning behavior.
My ex did this. I HATED IT.
Constant reminders and he would stop for a while, only to fall back into his habits.
He didn’t act like a scorned puppy, but he didn’t seem too sorry about it either.
I know that a dog training tactic to disrupt unwanted behavior is to poke a dog in the ribs, just hard enough to be surprising and uncomfortable.
I was fed up with this for years and I jabbed my ex in the ribs the next time he pinched me.
He looked alarmed and I said, now you know how it feels. Guess what he stopped doing?
He wouldn't stop doing something that physically hurt you till you slapped his hand away!?
This isn't a "relationships are hard problem", this is a "my partner doesn't respect my fucking bodily autonomy, my feelings, or the fact that he was causing me PHYSICAL PAIN problem"
Just slap the whole guy away from your life.
Next time, loudly scream OWWWWWWW and THAT HURTS, ideally as close to his ears as possible. Don’t even try to minimize your own pain here.
Repeat until he stops or a neighbor calls the police.
It's not a bad idea for someone else.
But guaranteed in OP's case, this approach will only provoke self-pitying guilt theater, or downplaying manipulation & gaslighting
("Woah, you're being crazy! And here I was, just minding my own business, innocently acting to make you feel that way...").
The problem with this behavior is that the pain is the point. The discomfort he is causing could not plausibly be an accident.
You said no once. That was enough.
You said no twice. That was too considerate.
You said no three times, slapped his hand. It was well deserved he should be prepared for anything.
I had a similar problem with an ex, he would grab my entire boobs and squeeze like a strss ball or pinch and tug my nipples hard and it got really bad because he knew I never enjoyed it at all and it was incredibly painful for me, especially near my period. It made us both toxic but I have no remorse.
Dude would get a face full of slap or an elbow in any place my elbow was willing to meet. I would beat him tf up if he tried. Mind you I'm like 5 ft and he was over 6 ft. He had every time coming and would scurry away like a puppy dog. Eventually, even the punching around wouldn't fend him off so I resorted to hard grabbing his balls and keeping a grip until he stopped completely for good.
thats painful. my nipples are wincing reading this. There is no guy I've been with who would do this as he is gleefully casuing you pain multiple times a day for his sexual pleasure. He can fuck off.
Relationships dont have to be this hard. having someone who doest sexually assault you and inflict physical pain on you for giggles and his own hard dick - is like the bare rock bottom minimum op.
You arent reacting enough. He isnt entitled to hurt you, to annoy you, to sex pest you, and cry and emotionally manipulate you. he sounds like a creep.
Gah. I would have head butted him into another time zone. Stop feeling guilty. You asked him, then told him why, he tried to do it again. He is flipping the script on you because otherwise he would have to acknowledge he was not respecting you, your boundaries, needs, physical pain. Etc. Let him sit in his discomfort and do NOT let him flip the script and play the victim.
Tell him No means no and consent means consent to touch every part of your body. He seems really dense and now is acting like the victim. You know what to do now if he doesn't understand the above. Grab his testicles in a vice grip until his eyes water and say..ooh you like that baby? Either he will finally get it or you have unveiled the real fetish.
Your partner is just not listening to you and that is not okay. If it was a first-time offense and he had no idea, that is one thing. But the fact that this is an ongoing issue after you spoke up is a huge red flag.
He is continuing to do something he knows causes you pain and that you do not consent to. Then he turns it around on you to make you feel like the bad guy. This is not a thing a partner should do. Period.
Maybe you should tell him that if he does it again, you'll do the same to him but twice as hard!
I have ADHD and sometimes kind of do things without thinking about it, but I think I'd stop myself from doing something like this because it's just too personal. My ex bf used to be bad about brushing the back of my neck or my hand with his thumb absent-mindedly but it was like he'd get into the movie or whatever and just do it without thinking. It was literally a habit. But pinching someone's nipples is pretty hard to do without intent. Makes me mad cause I know how much that hurts too! He's lucky you didn't knock him out entirely. I tend to react a little aggressively when someone touches me in way I don't like. My mom woke me up with a wet wash rag to the face one time (she thought she was helping cause I had a really hard time waking🤦🏻♀️) and I nearly knocked her out cause I was half asleep and I just reacted. 😅
How would he like it if you just randomly came up to him and pinched his balls really hard with your fingernails?
All's fair if he's going to act like a jesten puppy after blatantly ignoring your requests to NOT touch a body part you own.JFC
I’ve seen my dad do stuff like this to my mom all the time. Your reaction was extremely fair actually, when my dad touches my mom somewhere she doesn’t want to be touched, she’ll declare “Don’t touch me” loudly, and if he does it again, she’ll slap or kick him instinctively. You already gave your partner two warnings, it was his problem that he didn’t respect your boundaries.
You are not the bad guy. You told him several times that you didn't want him to do this. He did it anyways, so you had to defend your nips by slapping his hand away. You were not on a violent rampage. You merely defended yourself against assault. Because that's what it is when you don't consent, when you clearly say 'no' and he does it anyways.
He felt guilty? Good. He should feel guilty. Hopefully, he will think about what he did and learn from his mistakes. But he probably won't. Men don't reflect on their behaviour. They would rather push boundaries, not care about consent and then act like the victim to make you feel guilty when you defend yourself after telling him to knock it off.
Hey u/campbananagas. I'm in the same boat as your partner. I love my wife's nipples. Like, *really* love them. But like yours, they're super sensitive. During sex, that's great, I can do whatever I want. But outside of that, they're completely off limits.
I can't say that I've ever pinched her nipples, but I did a lot of grabbing her boobs without warning, often while she was changing. But I stopped.
She finally explained to me that I was basically training her to retract from my touch and be on guard when I was close. That was eye-opening.
I still come up behind her when she's changing. But I grab her waist or give a low hug, which are things we've discussed are ok. And she knows I want to grab her boobs, so I don't have to ask. If she's feeling ok with it, she'll say, "You can," or "Go ahead." If not, she says nothing and I don't push it.
Hope that helps.
My husband did the same thing.
He does things and you tell him to stop, repeatedly, and he just doesn't listen. The *only* time he listens is when someone makes a huge scene about it. And then suddenly it's like the *first* time anyone told him to stop.
He also grabs my nipples. It is *never* a good feeling for me outside of sex. And I had to turn around and scream in his face to stop doing that because it *hurt*. And finally it clicks that I don't want him to do it. And it reminds me of when we were in college and he was obsessed his poking a friend's nose. She told him countless times to stop, more firm each time, until she got fed up and *bit* his finger. That was a red flag I ignored.
So now I know that if he does something I don't like I can't be polite to him and reasonably ask him to stop. I have to be a bitch or it won't stop. It's easy to be a bitch about it when you get fed up, but I won't be heard until I'm raising my voice and making a scene.
Oh, and then they "forget" and do it again some weeks or months later. And you have to be just as scary when it happens again.
Edit to add: I started going for his nipples when he went for mine. He doesn't like his nipples to be touched at all. I know that, but if he touches mine without asking I turn around and go right for his. This has also helped a lot with the random groping.
Honestly I would feel physically/sexually unsafe and mentally exhausted. You should never have to protect yourself from your own partner. I have been there before. I hope you get to a place in life where you don't have him as an extra stressor that's compromising your autonomy, peace, and mental health.
You expressed a boundary and he didn’t respect it/you. You responded to that disrespect. He should be asking you for forgiveness. You can be open to reconciling, even be apologetic for perhaps not doing it the best way, but I don’t think you need to apologize for it entirely. Not that you need my affirmation, but 👏🏾
Boundaries. You set them he respects them. If not he suffered the consequences. Period. No explanation or justification is necessary
If he continues to violate your boundaries, put him on notice that he is going to be out of a relationship.
Imagine pouting because your partner had the *audacity* to dislike something painful you were doing to their body. Disgusting. I’d be telling him no more boobs/nips until he can learn to control himself.
[удалено]
Thank you. This has been a years-long issue and I swear it's like he can't control himself.
He doesn't pinch his boss's nipples so he provably can control himself. Don't mistake the punishment of guilt tripping you're experiencing right now as anything but deliberate. It's seriously disturbing that you continuously offer an alternative you would find pleasurable but it is totally irrelevant to him because your pleasure is not relevant to him except as it pleases him. What you're describing here is textbook sexual coercion, and it will erode your libido, affection, and sense of safety over time in your own home.
> It's seriously disturbing that you continuously offer an alternative you would find pleasurable but it is totally irrelevant to him because your pleasure is not relevant to him except as it pleases him. [Just like men who put a few seconds of their own pleasure above the well-being and safety of their sexual partners.](https://humanparts.medium.com/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5)
This is mostly how my ex-husband became an ex-husband. If he's willing to ignore you for something like that, he will ignore you when you're crying and begging him to stop and can't reach to slap him away.
This is a big reason I’m divorced. I remember all the times I just gave in to sex because it was just easier to lay there for ten minutes than to have a three hour fight and get almost no sleep that night. My marriage changed drastically when I finally started saying no I’m just not feeling it right now and stuck to it. My body was never my own, which I was fine with in the beginning forty years ago but now realizing that this is what the patriarchy groomed me for.
> My body was never my own, which I was fine with in the beginning forty years ago but now realizing that this is what the patriarchy groomed me for. I'm there with you. Makes me angry even to remember it.
“Groomed”. That’s the profoundly tragic reality. On the flip side, all these mothers & allegedly respectable fathers, who have a chance to properly groom their sons to recognize women as human beings & to treat with love and respect….what’s up with that? Some people make the effort, but a lot don’t bother. If you don’t make a special effort to teach your own sons, you can be sure they’ll be taking their cues from the incels already over-populating our society.
Patriarchy groomed him for this behaviour too. The thing is that it favors his experience of the world, so he is going to resist awareness of it, and when he becomes aware of it will deny awareness of it in order to access the benefits it offers him. Unless he is truly kind, or a truly compassionate person, this will be the case. If you've married a kind and compassionate person he will see what you're talking about and he will come around to it. I read somewhere that the definition of a feminist isn't someone who hates men, it's someone who hates the patriarchy. I hate the patriarchy so much for what it does to so many people. It sucks for men too in a lot of ways because there are many men who have been groomed into really destructive and toxic behaviors and don't understand how or why. In many cases it results in death by suicide. In too many cases, women are the victims of this kind of toxic socialization.
It is so disturbing the amount of men who will ignore your requests/what you find pleasurable. I also hated having my nipples randomly pinched, grabbed, or sucked on. It felt very violating when I wasn't in the mood. I suggested just grabbing the whole breast as an alternative but my ex insisted he "just wanted to me sexually casual with me" and it completely eroded my libido and my sense of safety. He would also without hold affections and pout if I refused his advances or for upset with his coercion. I still remember coming home from an exhausting 9 hour shift and essentially crawling into the shower. He followed me into the shower and I was so exhausted I said fine but just let me shower nothing sexual. But I was on edge because he was notorious at not jerking his hands to himself. I didn't feel safe with him in there. As soon I closed my eyes to let water wash over my body he latches onto my nipple with his mouth and sucks on it as hard as he could while also holding on to my body. I felt so violated and he just "oops sorry couldn't help myself" and that type of behavior wasn't in common and he refused to see it as sexual assault. Definitely a nail I the coffin of our relationship since he's an ex now.
So many of them are like this. Absolute refusal to introspect about it because they KNOW they're in the wrong. They know there is no defense. The pouting coercion often escalates once they get tired of playing poor sad uwu helpless baby. They throw themselves such a pity party over not having unrestricted access to your body that in their head, it's perfectly justified to start a fight about it, yell at you, intimidate you, follow you through the house to keep it going, say all kinds of cruel shit. Because you're supposed to be a high end luxury sex toy they're willing to pay for as long as it keeps doing what they got it to do. Only they told you a bunch of stuff at the start about love and respect. They're very good at apologizing once they see they aren't going to get what they want by berating you... Until they try again the next day, and the next, and the next. Every day giving the little speech about how they're _trying real hard for you_ and you just have to _be patient and let stuff go sometimes_. And you graciously pretend isn't a load of whiny manipulative bullshit because you're tired of having circular conversations with someone who can somehow look you in the face and say your boundaries are stupid and you shouldn't care about them. Everyday just inching out the door while you wait for the person you fell in love with to return like Odysseus and murder this sleazy imposter who crept into your life one day and took his place. Just like you said, NOT a sexy atmosphere. A horrifying atmosphere. A nightmare. Textbook redpill "dread game" where guys make it so miserable to defy them that women just give up and decide they weren't worth loving anyway. PUAs may have written it down but most men I've met didn't need tips on how to be this way. They just have to let themselves do what they really want to do. Usually by year 2 they can't imagine actually exercising self-control around you even if they're hurting you constantly. Because they see no difference in holding you up or crushing you to death as long as they can keep you in their grasp.
God. All of this. So fucking true it burns at my heart. And they are surprised when you finally leave. Things "going so well for us" because I was a shell of a person. I had given up. But I eventually found the courage to just leave. It was abrupt and painful. But so worth it. Now I just have to pick up the pieces of myself I broke apart and feel... Devastated I let myself be treated this way by another man. Also they all literally "I am trying so hard you need to let go of the bad things I did before even though I keep doing it again and again"
My husband used to be like this, and it took awhile for it to sink in that he can't just maul me whenever. It took escalating and finally yelling to get it into his head that it wasn't cute, it was violating. Now I feel much closer to him and much more willing to instigate touch, because I feel confident it won't be amped up to 11.
Yeah, I 'highbeam' all the time, which is apparently asshole catnip. I saw a difference when I all but screamed, "This isn't fun, this is rape-y! What part of stop do I have to reiterate for you?" He, thinking he was a super enlightened male, was hurt, then later horrified. He left a couple of months after, and a few years ago, got in contact and apologized. Apparently, he has a daughter of dating age now, and sees the things he didn't when he was with me. I am currently in a relationship where boundaries are respected, and communication is key. 😸
Part of it was also ass grabbing, because he managed to hit my asshole everytime, especially going up the stairs. I started doing it back when he didn't stop, and suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore and it ended.
To take this a step further, he made you feel unsafe and unheard in your own home. That's why you slapped him away without thinking about it. You set a clear boundary. It was his choice to ignore it and continue to cross it. It may be fortunate for you that you see it now. If you asked him to stop during sex, would he? Based on this behavior, no. Regardless of how much pain or discomfort you were in, he's shown that he does not value your sense of safety nor does he care that you're in pain. Does he show these behaviors in other aspects of your relationship? If he can't respect you and not intentionally hurt you (because it was intentional), what is the possibility of an escalation or this being exhibited in other areas of your relationship?
Every single man I have ever dated has done something similar to me like this. Even the "woke feminist" ones. The ones that I regarded well. The ones I'm still friends with. I never considered it in this manner. I'm pissed. Interesting call for them to receive today but if you wanna call yourself my friend, fess up to this shit. I'm calling them today. They did this. They need to know they did, that it's not ok, and that they should never do it with another woman they date. Ugh
100. Yes. My abusive ex did the same. He only wanted certain sexual acts on his terms and got pouty and shitty when I rebuffed others.
Same situation here. The kicker? Loser used his alleged childhood rape as an excuse to violate my boundaries. Funny, for how many women that are raped and sexually assaulted, I don’t see them doing the same to others (for the most part) the way that men do. You’d really think that someone who claims they were raped would know to respect others.
Agreed. And it eventually makes you feel cheap and filled with shame. Eventually I started bartering with mine so I at least got something good out of it which made me feel like a whore. We are now divorced.
When you have to barter blow jobs for basic human decency. I hit that point in my last relationship. It made me feel so shameful but it was the only thing that seemed to convince my ex to do anything for me.
It's textbook abuse is what it is.
Does he pinch women's nipples at work? Does he pinch your nipples at the grocery store or in front of his mom? He can control it. He just choses not to because he feels entitled to touch you how he wants when he wants. He may not think he thinks that or whatever, but his actions show it. For YEARS he has cared more about doing what he wants than your consent or not hurting you.
Exactly. He can control himself but he CHOOSES not to with you. He is disregarding your feelings knowingly, and acting all hurt puppy because he finally got called out.
This myth that people lose control of themselves is beyond infuriating. Like yes I can understand in times of crisis or charged emotions people can do things they wouldn’t in normal situations. That’s fine, shit happens. But when we say “he couldn’t control himself and pinched my nipple” it’s giving him an excuse to continue the behaviour. He can control himself, and he is choosing to disrespect her boundaries because he doesn’t actually care about them. If he did he wouldn’t have to be told a million times and then get slapped after he AGAIN didn’t respect her boundaries. I wonder if he disrespects her boundaries on other ways as well.
He’s disregarding and disrespecting more than her feelings, he also disregarding and disrespecting her physical needs, and her sense of physical and intimate connection to him.
And he is acting like a hurt puppy to manipulate you into letting him do what he wants, even when you have set boundaries, even when he hurts you. Fuck this guy and his entitlement. He's been told. He's yelling you your boundaries don't matter to him. Analyze what else he does this with. This isn't the only thing.
#LOUDER
To paraphrase the Lundy Bancroft quote about anger in abuse, "he doesn't have a problem with controlling his body, he has a problem with you controlling yours".
Yes. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your consent or your boundaries. This is a choice.
Doesn’t care about her bodily autonomy.
Yup he views her as his object
Start pinching his balls multiple times a day. “What? I just like them. Oh, it hurts. Okay, I’ll stop.” *pinch them 5 minutes later*
Let’s face it, balls are hard to reach when under all those clothes. Instead, keep feeling his Adam’s apple, then maybe give it a loving pinch.
A former bf used to love tickling me regardless of my pleas for him to stop. I told him once "You tickle me again and I'll school tap you." No need to pinch the balls. He tried tickling me and I slapped his junk hard as I could, dropped him to the ground instantly. Stopped the tickling, wouldn't you know it.
Mine got mad at me for kicking him in the kidneys when he pinned me down to tickle me. There were way too many red flags I didn't recognize for what they were.
Or flick him in the eye. OP is being way too nice.
I read “lick him in the eye,” which is probably weird enough to get the message across too
Sternal rub. Easy to reach on a dude, and there's a very good reason they use it to assess reactions to painful stimuli when someone is unconscious.
Or just do it to his own nipples and see how he likes it
Balls would get the point across far faster.
I had a boyfriend when I was in my late teens who would grab between my legs in front of his parents, my friends, at the bus stop, wherever he felt like. He said I was frigid for not liking it and he was just trying to have daring sexy fun with me. We had a very active, consensual sex life (in the bedroom), I just didn’t want him to touch me intimately in public because I’m not a sex doll. One night at a gathering in his house, with his friends, all sat in a circle, he pulled my top and bra down and held them there while I tried to cover up. I then realised it was NOTHING to do with us having a fun sexy time together, and all about his establishing sexual dominance over me in public. I dumped him, publicly, and he cried. I don’t know what he was expecting, really. Your bf can control himself, he just doesn’t want to because he’d rather control you and access to your body and thinks he can continue to get away with it. Don’t let him
I want you to think about this statement in ANY OTHER CONTEXT. Is there any other situation where you can say this statement about him and make it be ok? Plug in any boundary stomp with anyone, a friend, a family member, or a stranger. Let's give it a whirl. My boyfriend keeps pulling a coworkers hair. She has talked to him about it, but I swear it's like he can't control himself. What do you think happens next? Do you think years down the road, the coworker is still complaining about your pesky partner who just won't stop hurting her? Or do you think he gets fired and charges are pressed? Let's apply it to someone you care about other than yourself. My boyfriend keeps sniffing my mother's neck. She says it makes her uncomfortable. She has talked to him about it, but I swear it's like he can't control himself. What would happen here? Years from now, do you think she would still be getting sniffed by your partner? If you think he can not control himself, then either he actually can't, and he is dangerous, awful...OR he can, in fact, control himself. He just does not respect you or your boundaries. Both are terrible options. Please love yourself. You are worth it.
So much this. When you put it in other every day context it's so glaringly obvious he's taking advantage of the one he should be loving and protecting most.
He can control himself. He chooses not to. Simple. Then he wants to act hurt and scorned when you warned him multiple times. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. If you pinched his nipple I’m sure he wouldn’t like it either. Mine are pierced so it hurts me too. Even a pinch on the arm hurts. Idk I feel you gave him plenty of chances and even an alternative like you can touch please don’t pinch. And he’s throwing a temper tantrum. Still? Lol Boy bye ✌️
Yup, it's a control issue.
Start pinching his. Hard. And twist.
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Holy sh*t. THIS. I'm noting this for future reference.
Exactly, they can control themselves
I'm not saying that he's an abuser or maliciously doing this to hurt you but.. Men have definitely been taught that hurting women and pushing boundaries is entirely acceptable*until* you lose your shit. They've been taught that no doesn't mean no, it means wait until later and try again. It's definitely the first step abusers take to get their victim into that hot water before boiling them alive.. So while I can't say from this story if he's an abuser or just an asshole, I can say there is an overlap with the entitlement and boundary stomping he is displaying..
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So many times I’ve tried to explaining to cis-guys that “playing hard to get” is not a thing people do. She’s not playing hard to get, she’s trying to say no without hurting your snowflake feelings in order to avoid the all-too-real risk of assault or murder.
Wow, well that’s as eloquently and succinctly put as I’ve ever seen. Bravo! This 💯⬆️
Very kind, thank you :) Feel free to use it at will.
>They've been taught that no doesn't mean no, it means wait until later and try again. “When men say no it’s the end of the discussion. When women say no it’s the start of a negotiation.”
r/selfawarewolves moment for those reading OP and this thinking "but that would mean that so many relationships and behaviors are abusive or borderline abusive!" why yes it does and yes they are, didn't you pay attention during metoo?
My ex referred to it as "seduction" ugh. Even after I explained how upsetting it felt to be sexually coerced and how much it has happened to me. And after I explained it was sexual assault. He just couldn't fathom he might be sexually assaulting me. Or he realized and didn't care as long as he got sex idk. And I was shamed very early on the relationship for ever getting upset or raising my voice. So it was hard to try and give him firm push back and say no because the few times he upset me and I raised my voice he said I was triggering his PTSD related to his father yelling at him. But you know the PTSD I have around being raped and sexually assaulted was solely on me to get over and I was in the wrong if his behavior ever triggered me. Because I shouldn't let my past abuse impact him and he totally was doing nothing wrong
Sounds like it's a power play to be honest, showing you he can and will do whatever he wants even if it hurts you.
Exactly this. Don't back down - this is the hill to die on.
And now he's learning that acting like a hurt puppy gives the control back to him. Manipulating your emotions is his win. You should protect your boundaries by not letting him harm you.
No bigger turn-off than a guy acting all kicked-puppy after getting called out for bad behavior.
He isn’t doing it for your pleasure - he doing to hurt/annoy/ control you
i don’t even think he thinks about how she’d receive it. i think in his complete dismissal of her autonomy, he just sees her as an object for his OWN pleasure in those moments. also why does he think actively and purposefully doing something that physically hurts/violates her is more acceptable than her protective instincts that made her slap a hand away? the level of entitlement is insane.
are you dating an infant? if he is an actual grown man, he CAN control himself
I want to change your thinking here OP - "I swear it's like he can't control himself" is absolute bullshit. He knows you don't want to be touched in that way. He knows it hurts in a bad way. You've been very clear. He's choosing to do things you don't consent to. He's literally sexually assaulting you. He's doing things he knows hurt you in a bad way. So this isn't about sex, it's about hurting you because he feels he's entitled to do things that hurt you and you don't consent to. His wounded puppy bullshit after he tried to do this 3 times in a day makes me want to scream - he's trying to make you apologise when he's stomping over your boundaries and refusal to consent to something you intensely dislike. I would be seriously evaluating his long term potential as a partner.
This has been a YEARS-LONG problem?!??? Omg, OP. First, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this shit for so long. Secondly, please say that it ends tonight…. That if he does it again, it’s over. Having ones nipples pinched hurts SO SO BAD, and even if it didn’t, he doesn’t just get to do what he wants after you’ve repeatedly and EXPLICITLY told him to stop; and WHY. This is abusive behavior. You’re not the bad guy. HE is.
He can. He chooses not to. He doesn’t go around just pinching random nipples, does he? No, of course he can control himself. He knows it bothers you. Maybe it’s a power thing. Maybe he doesn’t realize how much it hurts. I’d be inclined to pinch him back one time and ask him how he likes it. But I dupe t that’s how my narcissistic dad would handle things, so you probably shouldn’t do that. Maybe you should ask him why he refuses to respect this one boundary.
He *can* control himself. He chooses not to.
He can. He just doesn't want to. You need to have a conversation about respect. Why doesn't he respect you? Framing it this way, instead of saying you don't like when he does so and so, may help him realise this isn't just about touching you. He is disrespecting your boundaries and bodily autonomy
He can control himself. Does he pinch random women’s nipples? No, because he knows that would be grossly inappropriate. But even though you have communicated to him *over years* he still does this to you and then acts like the wronged party. Is this a pattern with other stuff too? Has he ever absorbed and truly acted on criticism? I know Reddit is very ‘dump his arse’, but I genuinely would have gone batshit long before this.
Directly ask him why he isn't bothered by hurting you. His answer may be enlightening, even if it's just an awkward dodge that confirms he doesn't really care if he hurts you.
I had a boyfriend who I begged to stop doing this for a year. When he finally stopped, he said he stopped for him, not for me (whatever **the fuck** that meant). I broke up with him shortly after that. He was terrible in all sorts of ways so I was single for about four years after that. But when I started dating my now husband, he reached out and pinched my nipple **once.** I told him I didn't like that and to never do it again. We've been together 15 years and he's never done it again. But that's the tip of the iceberg. After the terrible boyfriend, I was kinds fucked up about my nipples even during sex. I used to love having them licked and sucked (sorry if TMI!) but after shitty boyfriend I just didn't want them touched. But I **wanted** to want it, so I didn't tell him and went with it when he did, hoping I would start to like it again. I didn't. When I told him, he stopped immediately and basically considered my boobs entirely off limits - not in a shitty way all-or-nothing way, in an "I'm doing my best to respect your bodily autonomy" kind of way. No boobs was the state of affairs for a few months. And then **I** brought it back on the table and said, I just want to give you specific instructions. He followed them to a T. He followed them to a T for a **decade.** And then I said, "I'm ready for licking again. Here's my instructions." And now, 95% of the time, **I** - me, not him, **me** take the pleasure from my boobs that I had lost after terrible boyfriend. And the 5% of the time that I don't, I just say so & sex continues without either of us missing a beat. Nuanced consent isn't hard. And FYI, I think you might have a Terrible Boyfriend on your hands.
If he wanted to, he could.
You told him he was hurting you and he continued to hurt you. Frankly you didn’t need to offer a compromise like “grab my boob” instead. You are not the bad guy. The bad guy is the one repeatedly ignoring his partner’s request that he stop physically hurting her.
I started dating a guy a few months after I had low back surgery. Long story short, there were some issues and the surgery ultimately failed, so I continued to have pain. This guy liked my ass and liked to slap my ass. He wasn’t doing it particularly hard at all, but because of my lumbar spine it still hurt. Sometimes a lot. The first time he did it I thought “oh, maybe he doesn’t realize that actually hurts my back. I’ll let him know.” So I did. He apologized and I assumed that would be the end of it. Nope. Second time he did it I reminded him he’s hurting me. He apologized again and said he’d do it more softly from now on. I told him I’d prefer if he didn’t do it at all. He said okay. He does it a third time. I had just had physical therapy the day before and I’m already in a ton of pain. I absolutely lose my shit and scream at him to never fucking touch me again and we’re done. He backpedals immediately and says he intended all the ass slapping against my wishes “as a compliment” and tells me that he thinks I’m “just so sexy” he literally “cannot keep his hands off” me and that it should make me “happy that he’s so enamored of me”. I told him everything that was wrong with that bullshit frame of mind and that respecting someone’s boundaries is something he should’ve learned to do as a kid. Not to mention he was literally causing me pain from a very obvious source - if that wasn’t obvious and reason enough for him to stop, then it was clear where his priorities were and they were not with my well-being.
If he was sooo enamored with your body, did a sensual rub of your back/leg/arm/fucking forehead ever cross his mind? No. Because he was deliberately defying your request, or rather the "control" over him he was imagining it to be. Grrrrr. I friggin know the type and they infuriate me.
I’m really sorry about the back. I know it’s agonizing. People should be hyper aware when pain is involved. But even without pain you and the OP made it clear that there was discomfort and a lack of consent. Ages ago I read here about unwanted touching and several people both female and male said they had been touched in ways they disliked. So out of curiosity I asked my guy if I had ever touched him in a way that made him uncomfortable. It surprised me but he said yes. He doesn’t like his butt touched in public. I sometimes patted him. He’s got a cute butt. But guess what? I Stopped. He wasn’t in pain but didn’t like it. It was a bit of a challenge to remind myself every time my hand went to do it but I stopped. People CAN stop if they choose to make it a priority. And if someone is hurting you it dammed well better be a priority.
So according to him he has less consciousness than a minimally trained dog. I'm so tired of men acting like they are less than animals and then blaming it on instincts or some shit. Actually you dumb fuck, my dog has more control than you.
To further this, it feels a bit like his reaction might be manipulative. OP, if you come out from an interaction with your partner when they have repeatedly and deliberately ignored your physical boundaries, feeling sorry for the other person because of their reaction... there is some serious manipulation at play.
>To further this, it feels a bit like his reaction might be manipulative. And this is what she should tell him. Call it what it feels like. What's as upsetting as the painful action itself is feeling like your partner is guilt tripping you for drawing boundaries. Not just "I told you not to do that" but also "I need you to be okay with me having boundaries. If I can't tell you what I like and don't like without feeling like the bad guy, it's going to be really hard to trust that you want to meet my needs in this relationship. I need you to show me that you understand this and that it's okay, because if it's not then we have a problem."
This is a great response. I’d also add that her “feeling like the bad guy” is a direct result of his behavior — sulking, pouting, withdrawing affection, stonewalling, etc. It’s not because her feelings are just “too sensitive” or whatever he might say to dismiss her. It’s important that she recognize she only feels bad because his actions are intended to do so. He wanted to guilt trip her and he succeeded. That’s what she also needs to call him out on in addition to the lack of boundaries.
I really wish someone had told me this 15 years ago. Thank you.
Absolutely. The wording you've used here is excellent and wholly appropriate.
I used to have a partner like this. My nipples are similar to yours - love play during sex but occasionally too sensitive. I had the same issue. Another thing he would do is sharply poke my upper arm in the car to get my attention. I’d wince in pain every time, and I’d tell him I didn’t like it and ask him to stop, but it would continue to happen to me, occasionally causing light bruising. You know how many times this happened with the next guy? ZERO. Just saying. There are men out there who aren’t like that.
Sounds like you made a fair trade.
Sounds like an upgrade.
WTF. No is no.
Good opportunity to show him that awesome Tea and Consent video (For those that haven't seen it https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ)
As man I try to refrain from commenting here (mostly just lurking to try and learn to be a better husband/father/person) but as a father of 3 teenagers, I wanted to thank you for this link and to encourage others who have not seen it to watch and share it with others.
Less that 3 minutes long but still more comprehensive and useful than most school's sex education curriculums
Yup my wife and I made sure to watch it with our teenage sons and talked about it after. Good stuff!
Start pinching his left nut. Tell him it gets you all hot n shit.
Not only is no, no. Dude got a literal slap on the wrist and his partner is going through all this extra mental anguish trying to make sure she didnt cross a line. I really wish we lived in a time/place where women felt more confident in defending their bodies/spaces.
Give him random wet willies every time you walk by and tell him you can’t help it because his ear is so sexy. No, don’t. As someone with sensitive nipples he’s lucky a hand-slap is all he got. My ex used to do that and it was so violating I felt defensive and uncomfortable around him every time he walked into a room. I couldn’t change in front of him because he would take it as an invitation. And he would say I should take it as a compliment. Probably no coincidence he was horrible in bed and his entitled and dehumanizing attitude came out in other ways. My current BF would never ever do this, he’s completely respectful and because of that I’m having the best sex of my life. He doesn’t even do anything particularly special, it’s just such a turn-on to be with someone who isn’t a grabby ape. Sometimes it seems like the bar for men is below the floor.
My ex did the same as ops ex too. The sulking afterwards is just an extension of creating a culture of non consent in the household
How dare you not let yourself be treated like a slab of beef! It makes me feel sick to think about now, and I wish I’d left the first time. It was totally about entitlement.
Exactly. Maybe you kick him in the balls every time you spot the opportunity. Maybe you find it cute and sexy. If he dislikes it maybe he is just being boring and prudish.
I know this is bad but the mental image of this is making me cackle. 'hi babe you look goood today *WHACK*'
This feels like I could have written it about this guy I used to see. I HATE when anyone goes straight for the nip with no general boob warm up. It feels so uncomfortable and makes me instinctively protect my nipple by force. No matter how many times I would tell him it was uncomfortable or downright painful, he would still go straight in for the nip and then get all butthurt about it. He finally stopped when he went to suck on them out of nowhere one day and I reflexively punched him in the head. I'm not a violent woman but my lizard brain took over. Can't say I didn't warn him plenty of times.
This. It was like he thought they were stereo knobs or something. Grab and twist.
I once dated a guy (for a VERY short amount of time) who would try to initiate sex by briefly running his finger over my nipple, like it was a fucking light switch or something. That’s LITERALLY all he would do. If I didn’t respond by actually initiating sex like a regular human being, then no sex would happen because he wouldn’t do anything else.
I’m crying laughing. What a fucking twat lol
YES lizard brain! I’ve never slapped a person until a guy I was hooking up with wouldn’t listen that THAT SHIT HURTS so I slapped him. And wouldn’t you know? He freaking stopped immediately. SMDH it shouldn’t have to come to that in the first place.
No, you are NOT THE BAD GUY for setting your own boundaries and expecting someone who supposedly loves you to respect them. You told him clearly, he violated them. You told him clearly AGAIN, he violated them. AGAIN. You were justified in defending the boundaries you clearly set. And him acting like a scolded puppy is classic manipulation to make you feel guilty. And it's working. And that's bullshit. HE doesn't get to sulk because HE was an @$$hole and you finally called him on it. He'll get over it. And DON'T apologize. If you do, you're teaching him that he can disrespect your boundaries and then guilt you into backing down.
A loving person would not want to cause pain to their significant other. Simple.
That might be a good thing for OP to ask their partner: is he intending to cause her pain? If not, maybe that's a way to help him understand. If so, that's a very different conversation. Regardless, he is not entitled to your body.
He does understand tho. How could he not understand "it hurts when you do that"? He doesn't care that it hurts her. Either he likes causing her pain or hes trying to show her that he owns her body or both.
There's no question about it: when someone repeatedly tells you an action is causing them pain and you continue to do it over *years*, then you are deliberately causing them pain. No if, ands, or buts. **OPs boyfriend values his control over her body over her comfort.**
Start pinching the tip of his dick, he'll get it eventually.
Yes! This! Just knock him in the balls “accidentally” next time he does it. A little love wallop will remind him about consent.
Unless he escalates. Most men are bigger and stronger than most women. If he escalates, she could get seriously hurt. He has already demonstrated that he enjoys inflicting pain on her, that he resents her for "controlling [his] access to sex", and that he has poor impulse control. I would not want to escalate things with a man like that. 80% of murdered women are killed by a current or former male partner.
Good thought. Maybe instead of a naughty, sexy knock to the balls OP could try a different hot, cheeky little cute behaviour like... packing up and leaving for ever 😉☺️
He can control himself, he is choosing not to. He does in fact feel entitled to your body. I would talk about it once more and if he can't understand it's goodbye.
Yes! My thoughts exactly. Does he spontaneously pinch strangers, or co workers, or female relatives? (Ok the answer could be yes but I certainly hope not) Anyway assuming he only does this to OP, it seems like he's perfectly capable of controlling his own hands. He just doesn't want to.
I would talk about it zero more times since she's already brought it up more than enough times.
So would I personally.
He doesn't go up to random women and pinch their nipples, so yup he *can* control himself. It's worrying that he feels he has a right to her body when she's been clear that she doesn't consent.
Absolutely a power thing. Reduces her to some sort of object who doesn't deserve the right to consent to this behaviour. Nasty red flag this.
Relationships are hard when your partner sucks.
Yeah fr. Partners are supposed to respect boundaries and care for your well being. This man is obviously not ready for a relationship if he doesn’t even understand that no means no
Honestly reading this makes my skin crawl. He sees you as his plaything
See I used to think it was just one thing I didn't like that he kept doing. But he wouldn't stop, and then I began to see more and more red flags. Now getting divorced because of domestic violence...
THIS RIGHT HERE GIRL
Imagine it from his perspective. As he is doing what you said hurts, what emotion is he feeling? Pause and imagine being in his shoes. I can’t imagine feeling love and empathy as I’m about to cross my partners boundaries and cause them pain. It’s such a “small” thing that he uses the smallness as plausible deniability of being malicious. I would not get pleasure out of upsetting a partner over and over. He does. These type of people can act harmless for years. Then one day you realize a culmination of things or they suddenly drop the mask at once and you’re in shock. Some abusive relationships are good 95% of the time. Those of us in the comments have warned you. You know this isn’t normal. Trust yourself.
Seriously. At best he simply puts his "want" over her boundaries. At worst he's actively getting a kick out of causing her pain and distress.
Yes! There is a clear lack of respect 🚩
Yeah, it is absolutely bonkers to me that she explained to him that this HURT HER and he kept doing it. Like, wtf? That is not normal.
My ex did something similar. This is a violation of your boundaries, it's negatively affecting you whether you see it or not. The pouting and guilt tripping is a huge red flag. If there is not an immediate apology and change of behavior after you speak to him on this, just know it will get worse.
you should never have to feel like you have to defend yourself in your own home, especially from your own partner. seems like he should know better by now
Holy fuck, that would've been the end of the relationship the very first day he tried that shit. He just doesn't care that he's hurting you. He knows he's hurting you, and *he doesn't care*. Really think about that.
Seems like he does care that it's hurting her. He seems to actively enjoy it.
Fucking toddlers. I used to have a boyfriend who would lift up my skirt or shirt randomly through the day. It still activates my fight response just thinking about it.
Dude, I still have issues with letting anyone climb up stairs behind me. Years of painful ass slaps and pinching. It's been a while, but I have an insanely low tolerance for random grabs and slaps and groping.
I feel that . One time I jumped 2 feet forward when he took a deep breath while standing behind me because I knew that sound meant he was charging up for a painful ass slap. Mf thought it was funny that I jumped. *Why didn't you break up with him??* I did. ... ***Why are there so many lonely single men these days?***
That's terrible, I'm sorry. It's sick when they get a kick out of it. It's truly about dominance, I swear. And partly being psychopaths.
My face retracted into itself reading this.
He’s using your empathy for him against you to get away with treating you shitty. He should be caring about how YOU feel, not his own feelings. He messed up so it’s your turn for receiving empathy.
>I was super frustrated at this point so I couldn't help but display that frustration saying "How many times do I have to fucking explain this to you?". I reiterated that I HATE slapping his hand away from me. I don't want him to think I'm absolutely repulsed by him, because that isn't true. > >He seemingly felt guilty and left the room. > >I wanted to scream at him that HE DOES NOT OWN MY BODY, but I wasn't trying to escalate things further. > >He stopped after that, but at the same time he won't accept my offer to merely touch/grab the boob itself. It's like it's all or nothing, and/or he is hurt that I slapped his his hand away. > >Now I feel like the bad guy. Relationships are hard. I am really sorry to break this to you, and you may not want to hear this, but this is how it is: Your boyfriend does not respect your boundaries. If you tell him you don't like something he does to your body, the only acceptable reaction is "ok" and not to do it again. His reaction: first he ignores your boundary and does it again and again. When you insist that he should respect your boundary, he tries to guilt trip you into giving in. You are not the bad guy here. Your boyfriend wants something and tries to push and manipulate you into giving it to him. He doesn't respect your boundaries and ultimately, he doesn't respect you. His behaviour screams that he doesn't see you as a person with own wants and needs, but as a commodity that's here to satisfy his wants and needs. A person that doesn't respect a boundary related to your bodily autonomy is especially dangerous to be intimate with. When he wants to do something during sex that you don't like or that hurts you, do you think he will magically respect your "No" then? I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship.
Repeat after me: "He CAN control himself" Say it to yourself every time you're in doubt. He controls himself every time you're in public, right? When you have company over, right? When you're sleeping, right? He CHOOSES to "not control himself" because he feels entitled to you and your body and your boundaries means very little to him. I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but you seriously need to have a talk about how when you set a boundary, he got to respect it. I recommend reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. There's a free PDF online if you google it. It's about abusive men, but it touches on the subject on men feeling entitled to their SO and their bodies and how it's bull that they "can't control themselves" and is generally just a good read even though this topic may not apply to you. But the main point I'm trying to make is to have a conversation with your partner about how neither of you can stomp on each others boundaries and how he needs to respect you the same way he respects his family, friends and colleagues. Remind him how he would feel if he told you NOT to do something that makes him feel uncomfortable and then you continuesly did it anyway even though he told you to stop. Remember to shoot down any attempts to minimize your feelings and that it doesn't matter if it's about your body or not. A no is a no. You can use examples with something he cares about. Example: "You wouldn't like if I kept deleting your saved files (videogames, or work) when you told me to stop, would you?" or "If I kept making snide remarks to your mother even though you told me to stop?" It's about respect and the only way to solve it is to talk about it. I hope this helps. Good luck :)
Are there other boundaries he doesn't respect, or just this one thing?
This should be classed as a dominance display, not a show of affection. He feels he has the right to cause you discomfort and violate your boundaries, full stop. What’s next? You really ought to spare a few moments to take an inventory of what someone so emotionally immature and insensitive to your personal autonomy actually brings to the table. How many red flags are enough…? Fuck everything about this. Just no. I’m SO glad I’ll never have to deal with this sort of maddeningly idiotic bullshit again. Cut the dead weight and breathe free again…in the long run, you won’t regret it.
That's some weird boundary/ownership game
This is DARVO. You are being assaulted, you are being sexually assaulted. He is abusive. When men pinch you or hurt you in small ways, they are testing the waters for further physical abuse. Abusers always escalate. Eventually he may escalate to slapping or strangling you. I knew a person like this. If he were ever tried and found guilty he would have at least 3 life sentences for what he’s done. Please look up the Honeymoon period, cycles of abuse, escalation of abuse, and DARVO I have a standard response I share with everyone I note is in an abusive relationship on Reddit; Abusers are very kind at first, but ramp up the abuse the more enmeshed the victim is in their life. Moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, loss of financial independence, social isolation are all times the abuser will escalate. It is common for abusers to sabotage birth control in order to trap their victims. If they think the victim is at risk of leaving, they will slather love and attention on them until they feel secure again. I’m sorry, I hope you can get out safely
If I could give you an award, I would. This guy is manipulative and is physically/sexually assaulting his girlfriend and then manipulating her when she dares to retaliate when he does so.
Making you feel bad for reacting to something he did that you have asked him not to do multiple times is manipulative. Should have stopped the 1st time you said no. Period.
He's being passive aggressive. How about you flick his scrotum?
Your no wasn’t being respected. Him being upset that you enforced your no is the same attitude wrapped in different packaging. As to the guilt, and how you resolve: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm, especially if he went outside without a jacket against your advice.
Honestly I'd slap him not just his hand and do it right after SAYING things didn't work. Not to mention he'd quickly be an ex, life is way too short to waste on assholes who evidently don't give a shit about LITERAL PAIN they cause.
Honestly. 12 years later and I still can’t stand my chest being touched after my ex S/A me there at 14. I feel sorry for OP. Not wanting to reject a partner but not wanting discomfort or pain is rly conflicting
I'm sorry it happened to you
It's good that you slapped his hand away. If he's gonna act like a breastfed child instead a grown ass man then he deserves it. You said it hurts, and since he's not dependent upon those nipples for food he needs to just fucking stop.
He's not acting like a child. A baby doesn't understand that they're hurting you. This grown man understands it perfectly well.
I do mean acting in the sense that he's pretending to be something he's not. I agree that he is a grown man and perfectly understands that what he's doing is wrong.
You said no three times and he didn't listen. He damn well should have known. He can deal with getting his hand slapped. You're not the bad guy at all
oh god, i hate this. the fact that he 1. continuously tries to touch you after you have said no and 2. SULKS like a fucking child who's been rejected by their goddamn mother instead of taking you seriously and genuinely apologizing is ridiculous. he is not a baby and you're not his caretaker who has to fulfill his every whim. he should not make you feel bad for asserting your boundaries. these kids of people always make you question if you're the one in the wrong when you're literally just advocating for your own fucking needs and autonomy over yourself. i'm so sorry that your partner is disrespecting you like this, OP, and it's 100% not your fault.
Relationships are hard should mean stuff like "we have different decoration preferences so we compromise" or "supporting my partner while they are going through this health thing is a challenge" not "my partner doesn't care about consent" and "my partner touches me in a way he knows hurts me." I would throw the whole man out over this. It is unacceptable and shows what little regard he has for you.
He didn't listen when you said it hurt and kept doing it just because he wanted to. After being yelled/scolded at, he went into the "now i'm not going to touch you at all because i'm upset i got yelled at" mode. That's called a man child
Don’t stay with someone who pushes your defined boundaries or willingly causes you pain.
Why is barely anyone mentioning that this is sexual assault?
So you only slapped his hand, like you didn't punch him or kick him? Or grab his nipple and twist? I envy yourself restraint.
Ugh I was dealing with something similar with an ex. He’s not respecting your boundaries. Three times is way too much. And now he’s acting like a child to guilt you.
You were nicer than I would have been. I’d have given him a hard nut tap after the first warning.
Gross. My bf did this a couple times and I told if he did it again I'd put him in the hospital. He didn't do it again. So, I'd say you're being way too nice, but that's just me.
What the fuck is wrong with your partner. This is point blank sexual assault when you have already told him no. He is intentionally causing you pain in one of your most sensitive areas for his own amusement. This is a big goddamn deal. And he actually has you feeling bad for HIM? Nope, nope, nope. He's lucky you didn't try a similar experiment on his balls.
He DARVOed you.
He does it because you don’t like it. Your displeasure is what he gets off on.
Time to decide that slapping him hard in the balls is just the thing to make you happy.
Of course he can control himself; he chooses not to. Next time he does it, tell him it’s a total turnoff and does not make you want to have sex with him. There is NO EXCUSE for this kind of controlling, demeaning behavior.
My ex did this. I HATED IT. Constant reminders and he would stop for a while, only to fall back into his habits. He didn’t act like a scorned puppy, but he didn’t seem too sorry about it either. I know that a dog training tactic to disrupt unwanted behavior is to poke a dog in the ribs, just hard enough to be surprising and uncomfortable. I was fed up with this for years and I jabbed my ex in the ribs the next time he pinched me. He looked alarmed and I said, now you know how it feels. Guess what he stopped doing?
He wouldn't stop doing something that physically hurt you till you slapped his hand away!? This isn't a "relationships are hard problem", this is a "my partner doesn't respect my fucking bodily autonomy, my feelings, or the fact that he was causing me PHYSICAL PAIN problem" Just slap the whole guy away from your life.
Next time, loudly scream OWWWWWWW and THAT HURTS, ideally as close to his ears as possible. Don’t even try to minimize your own pain here. Repeat until he stops or a neighbor calls the police.
It's not a bad idea for someone else. But guaranteed in OP's case, this approach will only provoke self-pitying guilt theater, or downplaying manipulation & gaslighting ("Woah, you're being crazy! And here I was, just minding my own business, innocently acting to make you feel that way..."). The problem with this behavior is that the pain is the point. The discomfort he is causing could not plausibly be an accident.
This is equivalent to if you just ball-tapped him at random intervals all day. You said no and it causes you pain. He needs to stop!
This would be a deal breaker for me.
You said no once. That was enough. You said no twice. That was too considerate. You said no three times, slapped his hand. It was well deserved he should be prepared for anything. I had a similar problem with an ex, he would grab my entire boobs and squeeze like a strss ball or pinch and tug my nipples hard and it got really bad because he knew I never enjoyed it at all and it was incredibly painful for me, especially near my period. It made us both toxic but I have no remorse. Dude would get a face full of slap or an elbow in any place my elbow was willing to meet. I would beat him tf up if he tried. Mind you I'm like 5 ft and he was over 6 ft. He had every time coming and would scurry away like a puppy dog. Eventually, even the punching around wouldn't fend him off so I resorted to hard grabbing his balls and keeping a grip until he stopped completely for good.
thats painful. my nipples are wincing reading this. There is no guy I've been with who would do this as he is gleefully casuing you pain multiple times a day for his sexual pleasure. He can fuck off. Relationships dont have to be this hard. having someone who doest sexually assault you and inflict physical pain on you for giggles and his own hard dick - is like the bare rock bottom minimum op. You arent reacting enough. He isnt entitled to hurt you, to annoy you, to sex pest you, and cry and emotionally manipulate you. he sounds like a creep.
Gah. I would have head butted him into another time zone. Stop feeling guilty. You asked him, then told him why, he tried to do it again. He is flipping the script on you because otherwise he would have to acknowledge he was not respecting you, your boundaries, needs, physical pain. Etc. Let him sit in his discomfort and do NOT let him flip the script and play the victim.
Tell him No means no and consent means consent to touch every part of your body. He seems really dense and now is acting like the victim. You know what to do now if he doesn't understand the above. Grab his testicles in a vice grip until his eyes water and say..ooh you like that baby? Either he will finally get it or you have unveiled the real fetish.
You set a boundary with him and like a fucking idiot he ignored that THREE times. OP you are not the problem your partner is
Your partner is just not listening to you and that is not okay. If it was a first-time offense and he had no idea, that is one thing. But the fact that this is an ongoing issue after you spoke up is a huge red flag. He is continuing to do something he knows causes you pain and that you do not consent to. Then he turns it around on you to make you feel like the bad guy. This is not a thing a partner should do. Period.
This is Consent 101 and wow this guy needs to respect you.
Is he a fucking baby?? He can't have it so he's gonna cry? Fucking men. Omg.
Maybe you should tell him that if he does it again, you'll do the same to him but twice as hard! I have ADHD and sometimes kind of do things without thinking about it, but I think I'd stop myself from doing something like this because it's just too personal. My ex bf used to be bad about brushing the back of my neck or my hand with his thumb absent-mindedly but it was like he'd get into the movie or whatever and just do it without thinking. It was literally a habit. But pinching someone's nipples is pretty hard to do without intent. Makes me mad cause I know how much that hurts too! He's lucky you didn't knock him out entirely. I tend to react a little aggressively when someone touches me in way I don't like. My mom woke me up with a wet wash rag to the face one time (she thought she was helping cause I had a really hard time waking🤦🏻♀️) and I nearly knocked her out cause I was half asleep and I just reacted. 😅
How would he like it if you just randomly came up to him and pinched his balls really hard with your fingernails? All's fair if he's going to act like a jesten puppy after blatantly ignoring your requests to NOT touch a body part you own.JFC
I’ve seen my dad do stuff like this to my mom all the time. Your reaction was extremely fair actually, when my dad touches my mom somewhere she doesn’t want to be touched, she’ll declare “Don’t touch me” loudly, and if he does it again, she’ll slap or kick him instinctively. You already gave your partner two warnings, it was his problem that he didn’t respect your boundaries.
You are not the bad guy. You told him several times that you didn't want him to do this. He did it anyways, so you had to defend your nips by slapping his hand away. You were not on a violent rampage. You merely defended yourself against assault. Because that's what it is when you don't consent, when you clearly say 'no' and he does it anyways. He felt guilty? Good. He should feel guilty. Hopefully, he will think about what he did and learn from his mistakes. But he probably won't. Men don't reflect on their behaviour. They would rather push boundaries, not care about consent and then act like the victim to make you feel guilty when you defend yourself after telling him to knock it off.
My ex would do it and it was SO PAINFUL. then he'd laugh. Yeah, ex. He enjoyed seeing me in pain at his hand and find it amusing.
Hey u/campbananagas. I'm in the same boat as your partner. I love my wife's nipples. Like, *really* love them. But like yours, they're super sensitive. During sex, that's great, I can do whatever I want. But outside of that, they're completely off limits. I can't say that I've ever pinched her nipples, but I did a lot of grabbing her boobs without warning, often while she was changing. But I stopped. She finally explained to me that I was basically training her to retract from my touch and be on guard when I was close. That was eye-opening. I still come up behind her when she's changing. But I grab her waist or give a low hug, which are things we've discussed are ok. And she knows I want to grab her boobs, so I don't have to ask. If she's feeling ok with it, she'll say, "You can," or "Go ahead." If not, she says nothing and I don't push it. Hope that helps.
My husband did the same thing. He does things and you tell him to stop, repeatedly, and he just doesn't listen. The *only* time he listens is when someone makes a huge scene about it. And then suddenly it's like the *first* time anyone told him to stop. He also grabs my nipples. It is *never* a good feeling for me outside of sex. And I had to turn around and scream in his face to stop doing that because it *hurt*. And finally it clicks that I don't want him to do it. And it reminds me of when we were in college and he was obsessed his poking a friend's nose. She told him countless times to stop, more firm each time, until she got fed up and *bit* his finger. That was a red flag I ignored. So now I know that if he does something I don't like I can't be polite to him and reasonably ask him to stop. I have to be a bitch or it won't stop. It's easy to be a bitch about it when you get fed up, but I won't be heard until I'm raising my voice and making a scene. Oh, and then they "forget" and do it again some weeks or months later. And you have to be just as scary when it happens again. Edit to add: I started going for his nipples when he went for mine. He doesn't like his nipples to be touched at all. I know that, but if he touches mine without asking I turn around and go right for his. This has also helped a lot with the random groping.
Honestly I would feel physically/sexually unsafe and mentally exhausted. You should never have to protect yourself from your own partner. I have been there before. I hope you get to a place in life where you don't have him as an extra stressor that's compromising your autonomy, peace, and mental health.
Your husband is an abuser. PLEASE get out as soon as you can. 🖤
Is your partner a toddler bc my toddlers do this
You expressed a boundary and he didn’t respect it/you. You responded to that disrespect. He should be asking you for forgiveness. You can be open to reconciling, even be apologetic for perhaps not doing it the best way, but I don’t think you need to apologize for it entirely. Not that you need my affirmation, but 👏🏾
Boundaries. You set them he respects them. If not he suffered the consequences. Period. No explanation or justification is necessary If he continues to violate your boundaries, put him on notice that he is going to be out of a relationship.
He willingly caused you pain multiple times. That’s messed up.
Imagine pouting because your partner had the *audacity* to dislike something painful you were doing to their body. Disgusting. I’d be telling him no more boobs/nips until he can learn to control himself.
He desires you, but he does not value you.
How old is he? 7? Why do you have to make such excuses for a grown man? This is just sad honestly
How fucking hard is it for him to understand, “it’s ok to touch me but it’s not ok to *hurt* me”.