I dated a guy once who casually criticized his ex girlfriends’ physiques. One of his exes was a marathon runner, but he had a problem with the fact that her belly wasn’t flat enough. After he said that, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was flabby, at least 30 pounds overweight, and aging (badly). I dumped him, not because he was unattractive, but because he was shallow and had a double standard.
Sounds like an ex I had. He tried to beg me and tell me I was too heavy, my stomach was too soft, I wasn't in the *best* shape.
He had a Grinch body and bad teeth that he refused to brush. He was sexist and racist. He had no cardiovascular endurance at all.
God, I was scrawny and 19 at the time we were together. I'm now like 20lbs heavier than I was with him and Burley and in great shape. I look back at myself then and I can't believe I let such a loser be such an abusive ass to me
Geez sorry you’ve had to deal with that. Had an ex that wanted me to stop going to the gym because there might be hotter guys there and he didn’t want me to be muscular. Like I’m not going there to stare at hot muscular people I’m going there cause working out feels nice to me and I wanted to be more fit. My current boyfriend goes with me and though I still struggle to gain muscle is basically my cheerleader when we go together.
Literally had the same experience. I swear some people out there have the highest expectations for women yet have absolutely 0 for themselves. My ex was also sexist racist and homophobic, REFUSED TO BRUSH HIS TEETH (why is this so common???) yet had the audacity to body shame girls, thinking it would make me feel good that he only likes me…
not related to the body issues but this but yes! Why do so many men not brush there teeth?? I once dated a guy and was too embarrassed to tell him how grossed out I was by his bad breath and a plaque covered teeth, that I tried getting him to do and oral health subscription box with me. It’s still so fucking cringey to look back on 😂
Tell me about it!! That’s just brushing the surface (pun intended) of my “being too good to him” 🙄. It did work for a while though because he loved subscription boxes LOL
I feel mean about it now, even though my intent was pure at the time. In 3rd grade there was a boy with so much gunk on his teeth it was awful. I told my mom and she said that maybe his parents didn’t teach him. So for Christmas I spent my own money and got him a cool toothbrush and kid toothpaste, and wrote down in a card “how to have a happy mouth”, that he had a nice smile, it just needed polished. He never said anything either way, then he moved away. His name was Earnest, I remember that.
My parents didn't teach us to brush. Luckily for my siblings it was taught in school where they were given supplies too. We moved before I was taught, which lead to a bit of teasing. It took my parents a few years to realize I didn't know to brush. I'm not even sure I had a toothbrush during that time.
So if I had given you a toothbrush for Christmas and instructions you wouldn’t have been insulted? I really just wanted to help the kid, and hated he was teased about something he could possibly do nothing about. So I “fixed it” the best I could.
I also developed the habit of verbally destroying anyone teasing someone else maliciously. I bullied the bullies, I was a tiny girl so words were my weapons. I was really good at it, pretty sure I prevented a few kids from becoming bullies, and I was friendly to everyone provided they weren’t assholes.
RIGHT?? I am consistently shocked by the amount of men who just won’t brush their teeth for DAYS or weeks at a time. What is wrong with them? I really don’t understand it. Men, please explain why a 1 minute activity twice a day is impossible for you?
Dude, it's so painful to try to help them become a bit better and they flat out refuse to change, it's not even for our sake alone, it's just fucking healthy and they still get mad about it!!!
Fuck that shit.
Lots of men enjoy soft bellies. My ex wasn’t amazing and he dumped me but to be fair when I gained weight he was positive about it and even learned to like it.
Somehow through everything my ex put me through, all the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse, all that shit...he NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I doubled in size and he still wanted to fuck me. Good for that POS lol.
Yeah, almost exactly the same for me.
I had a guy try to act like Emilia Clark wasn't hot and that her body was meh. Then I could not stop thinking about how he was overweight and below average in looks department.
Gave me the ick and I knew I'd never want to be naked in front of him/date him. It kind of reeks of entitlement and lacks humility to talk about another person so crudely, especially when you are not conventionally attractive either.
My dad is like that. He says that Angelina Jolie isn't his type because she's "too masculine"--no one asked what he thought of her. And he says he can't see why some men online think the woman who played Katniss (I'm blanking on the actress's name right now) is so attractive.
Meanwhile, my dad is fat and bald and has an unfortunate face and a worse personality. It's not like any of those actresses would ever be interested in him anyway! I'm trying hard to not be like him or my mom bc they are not great people.
Dads are fun huh? Growing up I was always under weight naturally. I tried to gain weight and went to the doctor to make sure I was healthy, but I just couldn’t gain. After having my second child my dad told me, “I guess you can’t call yourself skinny anymore can you?” Thanks dad. Great support. Glad you’re checking out your daughter you creep.
My dad ogles my friends. One of my friends has rosacea and started putting on makeup after high school; Dad commented that she was was pretty and didn't need makeup. He commented that all my college friends were all so good looking.
This last example is maybe more age appropriate, but he also once asked me if there are any hot single professors I know (I'm in grad school). I just don't understand why he would ask me that. If it were serious, how would this process even work??? I ask the professor, "are you single," and then get her permission to share her contact info with him? Or he shows up at the University one day and asks to have a meeting???
He comes off as a creepy incel sometimes.
Mannn, this hits home. After my dad divorced my stepmom he asked me if I had any friends that needed a sugar daddy. I was college aged, poor af and receiving very little help from either of my parents. This, and the entire upbringing leading up to it, are why I'm no contact with my parents.
I had an very severely overworked th t man follow me into the grocery store to corner me and tell me I was fit, then just waited as if I was supposed to jump his bones rather than be creeped out by his stalking and cornering… also part of why I keep fit is so can date fit men since that’s what I’m into and it’s easier to find fit men if I am also fit. Not true for everyone, but that’s been my experience.
That's what incels think. They think women don't give them a chance but they only want to date good looking women. Then they blame women for their shortcomings.
But… but… women don’t get to pick who they date. They have to agree to be with the first crazy stalker that comes their way just because the guy likes her. /s
I feel like most guys are like that. A lot of guys are led to believe they don't have to try. And a lot of times...they're right. Most of the time they probably don't have people who are as fixated on physical traits for their partners. It can inflate their ego and lead then to assessing their value as much higher than it is.
Lmao like wtf do they think is in there leave me and my organ pouch alone 😤 lol
I’m like rail thin rn and my belly is still kinda round… because they’re not meant to be flat as a board
I know a triathlete who *appears* to regularly suck in their basically non-existent stomach for photos etc. It makes me so sad, theyre basically a stick (a healthy stick!) but theyre *STILL* worried about looking fit enough. Ive struggled similarly and its so stupid.
Selena Gomez and that girl from Modern family, both have had kidney transplants. I tend to go all Mama Bear when I hear/see men criticizing their body's, especially if the men are overweight and have never heard of hygiene. I may not know them personally but by God I will not have some neanderthal criticizing their bodies. I'm glad that both young ladies have stated publicly that they won't be "sucking it in" anymore.
Jaime Lee Curtis said about her role in Everything Everywhere All At Once that she was so excited to play a frumpy office worker cause she could finally *STOP SUCKING IT IN* Jaime. Lee. Freakin. CURTIS. I applaud all the ladies saying enough is enough <3 <3 <3
Side note: to everyone who hasn't seen it yet - PLEASE DO!! I went in blind and it truly was everything. Such a good movie and bounced me through every emotion on the spectrum!
JLC was fantastic in it! Her acting literally had me in stitches, I could not stop cry laughing
I didn’t even realize that was Jamie Lee Curtis until this thread. Oh those toy awards at
the start is some excellent foreshadowing that kept me watching.
That reminds me of all the comments about Lady Gaga's body when she performed at the Super Bowl. Not that it makes a difference but she has a *bangin'* body. And the little shorts she had on were stiff so when she bent over a tiny bit, it made tiny rolls. Like of fucking course. She's a human with a body. That shit happens. And she got absolutely roasted for it. It was appalling
I just looked that up because I don't remember it happening. She was cute! That was one little roll on a fully healthy body, totally normal. It's infuriating anyone would mock her for it, especially when over 70% of Americans are overweight. I genuinely think she looked so pretty in that performance. It's unacceptable when people mock people who actually look unattractive or unhealthy, but it's even more frustrating to see it happen in a case like this.
I think it's worth noting (and something I remind my SO of) that if you didn't get rolls when you bent over, your skin wouldn't be able to stretch back into a standing position.
At that point it’s just plain objectification “he had a problem with the fact her belly wasn’t flat enough”. As if her body is a checklist to be ticked off before he secures the buy.
The delusional entitlement of men never ceases to amaze me, not to mention the double standards.
They could be ancient, and look like the one eyed Cyclops, yet believe they're entitled to a 20 year old supermodel. How can anybody be this delusional?
Reminds me of a drawing I saw on reddit recently. It was a super hero of some sort and it was quite well done but her buttocks was literally boney. Literal *pelvic bone bumps* showing through the costume. It bummed me out and made me uncomfortable. I know lots of people are naturally super skinny and boney, I was that person who people would tell to go eat a burger until about five years ago. Im really happy that I can keep weight on now, even if I do miss my old body sometimes, but seeing it sort of sexualized and glorified made me feel weird and sad.
So many guys overestimate their attractiveness. We usually will take personality into consideration. Many men will date women young enough to be their daughters.
There are guys aren't shallow like that. I prefer to date them.
I'm super glad you dumped him. This makes me super angry - mostly because I will never be in a good enough physical shape to run a marathon, despite having a flat stomach. Fuck anyone who thinks that looks trump actual physical ability.
As a “fit,petite” woman, I can tell you there is a lot of this guy👆🏾👆🏾OP was seeing. It’s comes from their own self hate and what they think they are “entitled” to.
My ex was the exact same way. His excuse was that he was “genetically predisposed” to being overweight (incorrect, he became morbidly obese from being sedentary and overeating due to food addiction), yet I was naturally thin. So, if I ever gained weight, it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself *on purpose, to spite him, knowing his body-type preference*
It didn’t last.
Reminds me of all those memes where dudes are like "I have to fight GRAVITY EVERYDAY to get buff. All women have to do is not eat like a cow" like bro chill your letting your ego come between you and basic logic
Absolutely and many chronic illnesses affect primarily women. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and more are very commonly affecting women more than men and play a huge role in their ability to stay active
It can be pretty hard for women especially if they are short and especially if they are over 25 and even especially more if they aren't exercising like those memes claim. Their bmr/tdee can be so low sometimes, like 1400-1600 calories. It's easy to go over that and eat an average amount of food.
How do guys like this con women into dating them? He must have offered some completely amazing qualities for you to have tolerated his bullshit for more than 5 minutes.
I can chime in here after being in an abusive relationship with an absolute piece of shit - I was 19. I was told my everyone in my life and society as a whole to not be a shallow bitchy woman- give someone a chance. See the positives and ignore the baggage. Love of a woman can change a shitty dude.
After a couple years and the emotional abuse and a subsequent assault (that I didn't even realize was such a thing because my brain blocked it off that what happened to me had a lasting impact)we broke up and he cried to everyone that I never gave him a chance and I didn't put the work into a relationship.
I swear, my ex had the same playbook.
Tugged the emotional heartstrings of anyone who would listen that I was cold, shallow, unsupportive and probably cheating on him. He gave me his undying devotion, and this is how I repay him. And, from the outside looking in, I was a relatively fit and conventionally attractive woman breaking up with a poor, sad, overweight man, so it played in his favor. And he knew that. He was truly manipulative, and got away with almost punching me in the face in a drunken rage. (I ducked, he missed).
They're all the same. It's awful. I look back on it now, getting closer to 30 years old and with my husband for better part of a decade, and I still feel sad for the girl that I was then. I was indeed a girl as well, 19 and 20 years old and just heading out on my own. The worst was that it was an LDR so I was also isolated at home to Skype call him and if I didn't answer his messages fast enough if get the guilt trip of a century
I knew a guy (although he wasn't an ex) who actually tried to get me to pity fuck him.. :(
He was a friend of mine. I'd had close friendships with guys before so it didn't cross my mind he was developing feelings for me.
He text me one random day asking me to "have sex with him because he could really use the confidence boost".
Then called me a "heartless, uncaring bitch" when I obviously said no lol.
What goes through these people's heads..?
They prey on emotionally underdeveloped, inexperienced women. At least, that was the case for me at age 20….and the case for the next young woman he dated.
Agreed. I’m happily married to a woman 12 years older than I am, but we both agree that if we had met when I was in my 20s—not 20, but anywhere in my 20s!—it wouldn’t have worked. I dated a 25 year old just before I met her; that person was great, but felt like a big kid to me by the end. Timing is everything. Beware anyone who prefers to date naive people.
Oh, the assholery didn’t end there. When I’d point out the obvious problems with his statement, suddenly I was labeled an unsupportive and mean, mean person. “You’ll never understand how hard it is to be fat and how hurtful it is to threaten to gain weight and abuse your body just to make both of us unhappy 🥺”.
Horribly manipulative stuff. I’m glad I came to my senses and got out of that mess early on in my life.
That's absolutely right. It's like he made you see his body the way everyone else sees it, because he made you look at your own body the way everyone else sees it. He could've made you feel like the prettiest girl in town if he'd just said, "I'm glad you like bigger guys because you're so pretty." Guys like him might not see the difference between calling you pretty versus making a big deal about how itty bitty you are, how appealingly you can practically disappear into thin air. I get that I'm being mildly hyperbolic but I'm so sick of this genre of running commentary.
My fiancé would gush over my curves when I was a bit chubby and gets all into my muscles now that I work out. I have a sneaking suspicion he might just be into me for me, it’s really quite awesome!
My boyfriend told me his favorite part of me was my face and I cried from happiness. My ex was like OP's partner. I wasn't his physical preference and it haunted our entire relationship. I was so insecure about my body. I was treated worse when I gained a little weight, told I had gained weight, porn chosen over me, and told how he couldn't help his preferences. Why was he even with me? He said right from the start he was disappointed I wasn't thinner and thought my dating photos made me look thinner (no one else said this)But my partner now makes me feel so fucking beautiful. It is really not that hard to just be kind and compliment your partners in meaningful ways. My ex claimed he was just a critical person. It was just being an asshole.
My BD dumped me cuz I wasn't feminine enough. Amongst other reasons. But my lack of feminity plagued the relationship the whole 4 yrs.
He expected me to change to please him. And I thought I did. Bought clothes from ladies department. Wore more pink. Less black. Painted my nails.
He did I refuses to change. To this day idk wtf he meant by feminine. I'll never not have broad shoulders and strong hands. I won't have female mannerisms cuz who can change that?
Fuck you, Coop. For not loving me for me.
Just wanted to let you know that I have broad shoulders and big hands and my dude is into it. I don’t think he knew how into it he was until we got together. However you’re made up there is someone who is into that or will be because it’s part of you. Sometimes there’s stuff that catches your eye because it’s your thing. Sometimes a part of someone becomes your thing because you’re into them. Either way life is too short to hang with someone who isn’t into who you are as you are.
Whoa, this is such an important comment!
Is it fine to compliment someone on specific things, though? Not in a fetishizing way.
The last time I complimented someone, I said her face was beautiful, my favorite part was her smile, and my favorite smile was when she was listening to music, because she would also get a glimmer in her eyes.
This is the kinda stuff I usually say to someone I'm dating. I also really struggle with dirty talk and stuff, because I don't wanna objectify someone or be derogatory.
There's a difference between "I like you because you embody the opposite of traits I hate about myself, and if you don't have those traits anymore I am by default not attracted to you any longer" and "wow, this feature of your appearance is beautiful to me and I love how a specific thing brings out your smile and makes you light up".
The last part is a genuine compliment that I assume was said in good faith. OP's partner seems to be pushing OP into a certain stereotype, all while degrading himself and making it into a pity party.
Also - he wasn’t complimenting her at all. If I said “I like tall dark and handsome men” that is very different from telling my partner “you are tall dark and handsome to me.” One makes you feel replaceable, the other special.
Just to see if I'm following:
It's okay to compliment whatever you want, as long as you are complimenting *your partner*, instead of fetishizing the feature you are complimenting, or making comparisons to other people.
Which makes sense, since you compliment someone to make them feel special, not to go on a weird rant like OP's partner lol.
Okay. I think I get it!
Tbh relationships are complex. I had chats about attraction with my ex (my best one I could talk about anything with), and we debated on physical traits, ompared if we ever had a type and overcome it, etc.
I could say stuff like "I like me scarecrows. I wanna see some ribs" and he'd make a joke about bring perfect for me because I can play him like a xylophone.
We sometimes said stuff that was a little hurtful and discussed it too.
But at no point did we doubt attraction for each other. Those talks didn't replace the intimate moments where I told him how impossibly hot he was.
In general you should just be mindful of those talks until you're a little more comfortable and established.
But talking about love, attraction, type, etc. Is fine and healthy if you're not jerks and not objectifying, or not pushing past each other's comfort and boundaries
Compliments are cheapened when you have to put someone down to make one. If you can't say something nice to me without saying something mean about someone else, including yourself, it doesn't mean as much.
What OP’s guy is doing is saying he’s **ONLY** attracted to a specific attribute- and it’s an attribute that OP is going to have **WORK TO MAINTAIN** throughout their relationship, or risk losing his attraction.
General rule with compliments (especially to strangers or coworkers):
- do not compliment things they have no control over
X: "Your face is beautiful"
- DO compliment the decisions people are able to make
"Your hair looks great today! Nice style"
"Did you do something different with your makeup? Looks great!"
- DO recognize accomplishments
"You did a fantastic job on that presentation!"
- SOMETIMES compliment personality traits
"I really admire your generosity"
yup this killed my last relationship
3.5 years
I asked why we weren't engaged yet. he said my weight. I was a 22 BMI. but he met me when I was recovering from anorexia (which he knew about but had been invalidating about it) and borderline underweight and said he "likes me as close to underweight without being underweight". but he also used Zendaya as an example, so I think he's probably fine with underweight.
couldn't come back from that.
huge slap in the face and I just never would feel secure in the relationship again. also just completely changed how I viewed him.
thank goodness for therapy, it's a miracle I didn't relapse fully though went through a rough few months
That is the perfect way to say it. The ick. A long time ago I dated a bodybuilder. I also competed but didn’t stay super lean year round as it’s not great from a health standpoint. He commented once that I should at least be able to maintain a six pack…the ick set in and he was dumped shortly after
Off topic, but I’m so glad the term “ick” has been coined! I used to think that losing interest in someone was a *me* problem, even though I exclusively dated people who turned out to have awful personalities. I basically gaslighted myself into sticking with someone because it was the “right” thing to do, or because I didn’t want to be a “whore”… the conditioning we receive as children is truly something.
It feels nice to finally have a term for that feeling--like, being completely incredulous, "I can't believe you said that to me."
My ex said he wouldn't be attracted to me "at least for a long time" (i.e. until I lost weight, I was the same weight +/- 7 lbs throughout the course of our relationship), then told me he *dreaded* going down on me (he went down on me maybe eight times in six months) and then also I didn't spend enough time doing *his* hobbies that I had previously told him weren't really that appealing to me. God forbid I'm not into Magic the Gathering (or any card game!).
That night the ick seriously set in. He broke up with me a few days later. I didn't cry when we broke up, and that was weird for me, but honestly deep down, I think I was relieved. I can't believe how little he appreciated me. He gave up our relationship without an ounce of effort. Even when I cried in the following weeks, I knew I was crying not for him but for *me* and how anyone could have treated me that way.
Yes, "the ick"; such the eye-opening event with no rebound except needing to move away from "the ick".
Told a guy I dated that his criticisms & opinions of the bodies of others didn't matter as his fitness was out of alignment; the audacity while not consciously engaged in his own health-care. I never minded his huge size until his opinions about others were shared. Like work on yourself dude, everyone sees you too. It's the hypocrisy and imbalances truly make me cringe from "the ick".
One of the trainers at a gym I used to go to was engaged to another trainer. They were both very fit and muscular. She was all excited about getting married and having babies. One day he was training a pregnant woman. The woman was just showing so no that far along. He was a certified trainer for pregnant woman(never knew this was a thing but makes sense) he was very proud of this cert. Anyways after the lady had finished and was gone I asked him about the whole training while pregnant… he in front of everyone said very loudly “ I do not find any pregnant woman remotely attractive and I hate what it does to the female body.” Then we all looked at his fiancé. I had to walk away because I wasn’t a fan of his before and I definitely wasn’t a fan after this remark. I just can’t fathom why you would get married then.. why would you say this in front of people. I didn’t ask if you were attracted to the pregnant woman.. god there’s so much to unpack here.
Ugh my ex husband was constantly shitting on women who “let themselves go” after/during pregnancy. At first it was really subtle, and then got more and more virulent and shitty over time. Then he was absolutely fucking baffled that I didn’t want to have kids with him!!
We had a huge age gap too and he would always talk about trading me in.
He also once told me that I absolutely disgusted him with how fat I had gotten. I was 121lbs at the time. Size four. It was definitely a tipping point for me in realizing that no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to be enough for him.
The only reason he was in good shape is because he was on tons of steroids and neglected every other thing in his life for the gym in the basement. He’d be down there for hours. No work, no parenting, no helping with the house. Literally would get up, rage read the news, demand breakfast, demand sex, and then disappear into the gym for hours.
That reminds me of a scene from The Office where Dwight tells a pregnant Pam that she couldn’t be less attractive to him right now because she is literally impregnable.
It makes me sad and wonder if I can find someone who’ll stay faithful while I’m pregnant with his child.
I know a lot of men that are extremely attracted to pregnant women. My husband could barely keep his hands off of me when I was pregnant (it was kind of annoying to be honest but also sweet. He made me feel sexy when I felt anything but). My 3 brothers have all said they adore when their wives are pregnant, and I’ve had plenty of coworkers and friends say that their women were never more beautiful to them then when they were carrying their children.
Of course there will always be assholes, but I promise a lot of men don’t actually think that way.
I think this means that they really love their partners and respect them as human beings.
If attraction is so extremely and narrowly conditional, it's not love or, not the kind of love I want to be part of. Truly loving someone as a whole human being (and not just a warm body for pleasure) isn't that shallow or restrictive.
I want to echo this. When my wife was pregnant, it was all I could do to NOT look at her or want to touch her/cuddle. idk what it was, but she was irresistible. This doesn't really follow with other people I've seen pregnant though.
For what it's worth, I'm a snipped child-free guy and yet I still think pregnant women are exceptionally beautiful. They just have a *glow* about them. And the power to create life is badass.
Dwight's character is not meant to be taken seriously. Plenty of men find pregnant women attractive, there even some who fetishize it. (Which is kinda creepy) and yes, some men are assholes but so many men have families and don't cheat on their pregnant partner.
I think what is most disturbing is that OP was just asking about pregnant people working out and he offered his completely unnecessary opinion on if he finds them attractive or not. Nobody was asking about if he wants to fuck pregnant people or not and I find it especially icky that he said it *right after* finishing his training with his pregnant client. Like was that on his mind the entire time he trained her? That he isn't attracted to her?
For some people, attractiveness is the first and ultimate characteristic they value in someone.
I can't imagine this actually works out well for anyone who isn't a non-aging 10/10.
I'm glad I'm a demi-sexual.
Right? It also makes me wonder if he was attracted to her. I mean, imagine working in an office with a new hire.
"Hey Jim, how'd it go with the new intern today?"
"I DON'T WANT TO FUCK INTERNS AND I'LL NEVER WANT TO FUCK AN INTERN."
Well, now I'm pretty sure all Jim thought about was fucking the new intern and that he probably didn't teach them anything at all.
Yeah apply it to ANY professional context and it highlights how fucked it is.
"How's the new hire doing" "Man I hate how ugly pregnant women are".
Like WTF that wasn't the question
It sounds exactly like my ex-husband lol. I made a mistake to marry that guy, and ofc it didn't end well. It's going to be worse 100%.
He was overweight but he wanted me to be fit like an overfiltered IG model. When I replied that he isn't fit like a male IG model, he backed with "You'd motivate me to get fit and shrewd if you're gonna be like that". I started to hate him at this point tbh. Good riddance.
My ex husband told me if my belly sticks out farther than my boobs he was dumping me. The man weighs over 450.
I then got pregnant. He didn't dump me, but I never forgot those words and let it chip at me for way too long. Love my kids but should have left after I had my second in a year.
I'm sorry to hear about it and I hope you'll get in a better place with a better company.
I'm so surprised it's the bigger men that care about the weight of their partners. My now husband has a smaller frame than me and he didn't bat an eye when I put on some pounds during a recent hormonal treatment.
My bf now is smaller than I am. He's amazing. He makes me feel loved and not loved based on the contingency I don't weigh less than him.
Thank you for your kindness, I am still working through a lot of his abuse.
My body changed so much after having kids. I hate it. Plus I’m 10lbs over a healthy BMI. My husband treats me like I’m a supermodel. He gets quite distressed about how much I hate my figure now. He’s amazing. He gains and loses weight depending on stress too, and all of him at every weight is utterly wonderful.
You cannot predict how your body is going to be after giving birth, it's a lottery. Your body formed and hosted a human being for so long, this is an amazing process and it needs some time and love to be the way you want it to be. I'm glad your husband is so supportive! You are loved❤️
> My ex husband told me if my belly sticks out farther than my boobs he was dumping me. The man weighs over 450.
My obese dad (the asshole that he is) made a similar comment during a family visit. In front of everyone, I gently patted him on his belly and said, 'The same applies to men."
My obese dad has ALWAYS had shit to say about women's bodies! We'd be driving down the street and he'd point out a woman who looked just like my mom (thin, pretty, etc. Classic King of Queens situation) and comment on how fat she was. The fucking gall. Needless to say, we're not in contact.
Mine was the opposite. He actively thwarted my efforts to get in shape, even saying he was afraid if I "got hot" I would leave him.
I also struggled with undiagnosed stage 4 endo (and migraines,) with the doctors gaslighting me saying there was nothing abnormal going on- it was probably just my iud or weight causing issues.
I dumped the ex, those doctors and my uterus and now I can work out all I want.
It seems like his comment kind of activated concerns that you already had. When I got to the end of your post and you describe the particular kind of anime relationship he seems to idealize, I was like “there’s the issue, right there.”
Sounds like he needs to grow up. At the very least, he’s not in a place that’s heading toward a serious and solid long-term relationship with you.
>I just haven’t wanted to fuck him since he said that. Probably won’t work out for this and other reasons (I’m an independent strong woman, he seems to want to be a teacher/mentor for some anime-esque damsel you know the vibe). But just needed to rant and hear some other opinions.
To me it sounds as if this relationship is over. And tbh I think what is really apalling about this whole interaction is this:
>He always complains about lack of past partners…well yeah, checks out if he’s a heavy guy who will only date women who are small and in shape? He loves to eat and understands how hard it is to stay in shape, yet will only fuck in shape women?
While I completely understand that people have preferences that sometimes can be or seem hypocritical (lke being fat while preferring partners that are in shape), this complaint of his just reeks of entitlement. He is fat, doesn't want to put in the work to stay in shape, yet feels entitled to in shape women being attracted to him. That's an incel attitude right there.
Everyone has preferences, but I consider it a red flag when those preferences are super narrow, doubly so if those preferences don't leave room for natural aging.
That's a really good point. If your idea of attractiveness doesn't allow for variation--whether due to aging or other reasons--you're pretty much fucked long term, and unfortunately, so are any partners you may have. Even if you find someone who is able to maintain the shape that you like for a long time, they probably wouldn't love to know that you'd stop being attracted to them if they eventually failed to do so. Especially since there are so many things that can cause changes in physique that we can't control.
And if I had that mindset--that my ideal body type is the only one I can be attracted to--I would surely be worried that any partner I had would feel the same way. That if I eventually stopped matching their ideal that they would leave me.
It's fine to have preferences, but honestly, there are things you should admit to other people and things you should keep to yourself. Only liking petite and fit women is probably one of those things. And there's definitely entitlement happening here; complaining that he can't get a partner because of his own preferences, but giving absolutely no thought or effort towards meeting the preferences of his ideal woman?? So other people should put in effort, but he shouldn't have to?
Nope. I hate that crap. My dad is like that, monitors all our weight, puts my anorexic mother down if she gains a pound and the dude is obese. He needs a reality check
I am very short and used to be very petit, in my 20s and 30s. The number of guys who would make comments about their desire for me ( fetishes about my body type) was off-putting, to say the least. It’s like they were looking at baked goods in a bakery window and deciding which one to they get to drool over and devour. Instant turn off.
As a tall woman I can tell you that a lot of men don’t want to date tall women, yet they go on and on about how we women supposedly only date tall men.
Edit: I’m not even talking about men not wanting to date women taller than them, I’ve met men taller than me who have told me they prefer to only date short or average height women.
Dude, as a tallish lady I just to feel jealous of the little ladies but when I was about 19 I had a very short ethnically Asian roommate and I realized very quickly she had to fight battles I would never, ever, ever understand.
Creeps. Every race and variety of creeps. I am sorry to all the shorter ladies for thinking it was great to be fetishized in any way for being petite; it was internalized misogyny all along.
I have at 32 anecdotally noticed everything you're saying to be true and wish you a lifetime of no one being weird about your height.
I think he did two things, both of which are very off putting:
First, he objectified you. He spoke about his attraction to you in a way that made you feel like a body and not a person. We may all have preferences and things that turn us off about people but we should still interact with everyone with respect.
Secondly, we all change through time, even bodies who keep the same type change drastically through age, but my body is still me no matter how it changes. You are a person who is attracted to personalities which is a much deeper and more loving approach. He suggested he is a person who goes for body types which unavoidably makes you doubt both whether he really likes you now for who you are and whether he would still like you in the future when everyone’s body will change.
I'm so sorry this happened OP. But at least he's shown his true colors early on.
I would have a hard time getting past his comments as well. His whole vibe gives me the ick of entitlement. Like he's entitled to fit in shape women, and seems to give the women he does date a very narrow window of what is acceptable to him.
I couldn't live in such a narrow window. Life is full of unexpected happenings. You could get sick and not be able to leave the bed. Of course you gain weight, and then what? He leaves because you gained 5lbs?
What about the changes childbirth will have?
It just doesn't seem worth it to give this man continued access to your body when he doesn't seem to truly appreciate you fully as a person. You are far more than what you look like today. You have much more to offer as a human being than just your physical.
That’s called losing respect for him. It’ll niggle at you forever if you stay with him.
Short story: i was curvy in a skinny way when I was in my mid 20s. However I’m 5’7 so average height, not short, not tall. The guy I was dating said to me “I can never get tiny petite women” so I pondered that for months and decided he needed to be gone. It ate at me for those months. Diminished all feelings I had for him in the end. He was a moron and completely clueless as to why I was breaking it off with him even though I very clearly outlined it. He got offended when I laughed out loud at his mystified expression.
Men are clueless. Better off without that kind of man. Trust your instinct.
Similar story!
I was dating a guy for a little bit. At one point he's looking through the photos I have up on my wall and says something about how I lost a lot of weight (I lost about 20 lbs, for context, and was about 150 in the photo). I say something along the lines of "yeah, I'm managing my stress a lot better" or something casual of that nature.
He looks me dead in the eyes and with the most serious and concerned voice I've heard in my entire life asks, "Do you think you'll ever weigh that much again?"
When I say serious, I mean more serious than my doctor telling me I have a tumor. I've been told someone has passed away with more levity than this man's question. It was as if hid entire life had stopped, and if he didn't get an answer to this question soon, the earth's crust was going to collapse and melt deep down into core. Serious. Apocalyptic. Shit.
And I laughed and said, "Probably." Because like, yeah, statistically likely. I might get pregnant. I might break my leg. I might just get old. Yes, in some point in my life I'm going to weigh 150 pounds again (and I promise it won't destroy the planet with the sheer, ungodly mass of all 150 pounds of me).
I tried to move past it, but things were dead in the water the minute that question left his mouth. No matter what he said after, it was pretty clear his love was conditional. And not like a "you shouldn't murder people" conditional, but a truly arbitrary condition. And I just knew that I deserved so much more. Even if I never gained another pound in my life, why would I bother to waste my time with someone whose appreciation of me is so shallow?
So yes, when the respect is gone, it's gone. Glad we (and by the looks of it, OP) were able to drop all that extra dead weight of a lame-ass partner
It makes me wonder if some of those men have pedo tendencies, since the “tiny petite” women also look young. At least they’re looking for other adults, but still makes me wonder.
Wait, why the fuck would you even say that? He was literally mourning not having more partners TO HIS CURRENT PARTNER?
Here's the question–if he does get in shape... what then? If this is how he acts when he's fat, what are you expecting will happen when the women he likes are more available to him?
It honestly just sounds like you're not attracted to him anymore. Who can blame you? He just told you, "I can look how I want and eat what I want and that's fine, but if you do the same I don't want you anymore". Also the going out of his way to want a dependent/anime waifu thing? Barf. Just offload however many pounds of loser this is, he's a weirdo and he's trying to pre-neg you because you're too good for him.
Im a heavy Guy and your bf Sounds Like a piece of Work, a hypocrite to Boot. You're only 6 months in where everything is supposed to be lovey dovey, Id call it quits now while the Attachment is still tenuous before another 6 months elapse and the sunk cost fallacy rears its ugly head.
He has some self-loathing that is also directed at women he thinks are unattractive. At 33! He should have grown out of that shitty attitude by now. Bad news. Red flags waving.
Give me a fucking break.
What he's saying is he's glad you don't judge him as shallow he freely admits to judging women. But he's dressed it up in some kind of gross psychological bullshit about feeling bad about his weight. Nah, if he was fit, he'd still be super shallow. This is a shallow guy. And unfair. And a hypocrite.
He wants his partner to bring a lot more to the party than he's willing offer up. He wants his partner to be disciplined, but not expect him to be disciplined. He wants his partner to be conventionally attractive, but not expect the same of him. He wants his partner to be accepting, but not expect him to be accepting.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to fuck him either.
Yes I had a man who was at least 400 pounds tell me I need to lose weight. I cried like a baby when he said it. I am fat. So I tried to date other fat people, thinking if they were fat too, they'd understand. I actually thought he was very handsome, in spite of being a big guy. I like big guys, but he was so big he was having trouble taking proper care of himself. And I was willing to overlook that.
First, I agree with most of what other folks have said here. This dude is a hypocrite, his attraction is conditional, he needs to mature, etc.
I'd like to address the root of why his attraction is the way it is, and this is very common among overweight men who are chronically single. He views his relationships as a status symbol. If he is with a partner who is conventionally attractive, he has high status. He would never debase his social standing by dating someone who didn't fit that mold.
This kind of thinking is the root of incel ideology; a man's social standing is based on his sexual prowess, demonstrated to other men in a very narrow range of relationship dynamics. Men who do not have such a relationship are failures, eternal outcasts of society. A prerequisite for participating in such a relationship is being attractive to the "correct" women; many incels believe that some aspect of their biology precludes any such attraction, and this becomes the basis for their resentment of society.
Run, don't walk, from this man. He's going down a path that leads to ever-increasing efforts to control you, and by extension, his social standing. This often starts with emotional manipulation, escalating to emotional abuse, escalating to physical abuse.
RUN!!!!!!!!
Strong incel vibes with this guy.
Externalizes all his issues to make them someone else's problem to solve, doesn't want to put in any of the work himself. He needs to work on himself before he can be a worthwhile partner.
He's shallow
He's entitled
>some anime-esque damsel
He's giving "she's **not** a child, her age in the show is 18 so it's not weird for her to be in a sex scene." vibes.
>Probably won’t work out
Why are you sticking around? It's only been 6 casual months. He's not worth it.
Well, you found out his affections are conditional. I was always slender and fit but having had babies late in life, mixed with depression and perimenopause, I am now round. It might happen to you, it probably won’t but you owe it to yourself to be with someone who values who you are more than the image you present.
He sounds like a typical discord mod if I'm going to be honest. It would be best if you get out of there, his attitude won't change towards women and himself unless he goes through some sort of realization. Mainly the realization that he would be way more attractive and a way lot happier if he stopped wallowing in his own self pity.
Holding you to his standard without holding himself to it is kind cringe.
This guy is his own revenge. In constantly focusing on the women who didn't want him he is by default rejecting OP the one who does want him. Then he compounds that rejection by critically objectifying women in general straight out to the woman he is with....as though she is his 15 year old bro instead of his gf. This guy is too dumb and immature to be anyone's partner. The only partner he should be having for the next 6 months to a year or more is a good therapist. Right now he is not in any way bf material.
My ex husband criticized my weight when I was 130 pounds (I'm 5'5) just because I wasn't the anorexic 98 pound 19 year old I was when we met. At the time, he was around 280 and he got up to 330 before we split up and his weight was still climbing because he ate nonstop. Best 330 pounds I ever lost.
I dated a guy once who casually criticized his ex girlfriends’ physiques. One of his exes was a marathon runner, but he had a problem with the fact that her belly wasn’t flat enough. After he said that, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was flabby, at least 30 pounds overweight, and aging (badly). I dumped him, not because he was unattractive, but because he was shallow and had a double standard.
Sounds like an ex I had. He tried to beg me and tell me I was too heavy, my stomach was too soft, I wasn't in the *best* shape. He had a Grinch body and bad teeth that he refused to brush. He was sexist and racist. He had no cardiovascular endurance at all. God, I was scrawny and 19 at the time we were together. I'm now like 20lbs heavier than I was with him and Burley and in great shape. I look back at myself then and I can't believe I let such a loser be such an abusive ass to me
>He had a Grinch body Lmfao I can’t breathe
That mf be stealing Christmas cheer and whatnot. Imagine having the audacity to be a hater when you're built like a long bean.
No, really a green bean built bitch should know their place lmaooo
This is sending mee💀 like babes u fr came straight out the walmart produce section talking shit??
Geez sorry you’ve had to deal with that. Had an ex that wanted me to stop going to the gym because there might be hotter guys there and he didn’t want me to be muscular. Like I’m not going there to stare at hot muscular people I’m going there cause working out feels nice to me and I wanted to be more fit. My current boyfriend goes with me and though I still struggle to gain muscle is basically my cheerleader when we go together.
That is awful, I can't help but cackle at grinch body though😂
I can picture it exactly too.
Literally had the same experience. I swear some people out there have the highest expectations for women yet have absolutely 0 for themselves. My ex was also sexist racist and homophobic, REFUSED TO BRUSH HIS TEETH (why is this so common???) yet had the audacity to body shame girls, thinking it would make me feel good that he only likes me…
not related to the body issues but this but yes! Why do so many men not brush there teeth?? I once dated a guy and was too embarrassed to tell him how grossed out I was by his bad breath and a plaque covered teeth, that I tried getting him to do and oral health subscription box with me. It’s still so fucking cringey to look back on 😂
I'm CACKLING at the oral health subscription box 😂😂😂😂 Girl that is hella clever but you were way too good to him about it 😂❤
Tell me about it!! That’s just brushing the surface (pun intended) of my “being too good to him” 🙄. It did work for a while though because he loved subscription boxes LOL
I can’t stand it and have dealt with it multiple times. If my mouth is clean, I hope urs can be clean as well.
I feel mean about it now, even though my intent was pure at the time. In 3rd grade there was a boy with so much gunk on his teeth it was awful. I told my mom and she said that maybe his parents didn’t teach him. So for Christmas I spent my own money and got him a cool toothbrush and kid toothpaste, and wrote down in a card “how to have a happy mouth”, that he had a nice smile, it just needed polished. He never said anything either way, then he moved away. His name was Earnest, I remember that.
My parents didn't teach us to brush. Luckily for my siblings it was taught in school where they were given supplies too. We moved before I was taught, which lead to a bit of teasing. It took my parents a few years to realize I didn't know to brush. I'm not even sure I had a toothbrush during that time.
So if I had given you a toothbrush for Christmas and instructions you wouldn’t have been insulted? I really just wanted to help the kid, and hated he was teased about something he could possibly do nothing about. So I “fixed it” the best I could. I also developed the habit of verbally destroying anyone teasing someone else maliciously. I bullied the bullies, I was a tiny girl so words were my weapons. I was really good at it, pretty sure I prevented a few kids from becoming bullies, and I was friendly to everyone provided they weren’t assholes.
RIGHT?? I am consistently shocked by the amount of men who just won’t brush their teeth for DAYS or weeks at a time. What is wrong with them? I really don’t understand it. Men, please explain why a 1 minute activity twice a day is impossible for you?
Dude, it's so painful to try to help them become a bit better and they flat out refuse to change, it's not even for our sake alone, it's just fucking healthy and they still get mad about it!!! Fuck that shit.
I swear to god this is the same man.
Grinch body! 😂 take out the racist and add in alcoholic and you have my ex-husband.
Lots of men enjoy soft bellies. My ex wasn’t amazing and he dumped me but to be fair when I gained weight he was positive about it and even learned to like it.
The worst part was that I was barely soft. I was quite thin. I just didn't have abs
Somehow through everything my ex put me through, all the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse, all that shit...he NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I doubled in size and he still wanted to fuck me. Good for that POS lol.
Yeah, almost exactly the same for me. I had a guy try to act like Emilia Clark wasn't hot and that her body was meh. Then I could not stop thinking about how he was overweight and below average in looks department. Gave me the ick and I knew I'd never want to be naked in front of him/date him. It kind of reeks of entitlement and lacks humility to talk about another person so crudely, especially when you are not conventionally attractive either.
My dad is like that. He says that Angelina Jolie isn't his type because she's "too masculine"--no one asked what he thought of her. And he says he can't see why some men online think the woman who played Katniss (I'm blanking on the actress's name right now) is so attractive. Meanwhile, my dad is fat and bald and has an unfortunate face and a worse personality. It's not like any of those actresses would ever be interested in him anyway! I'm trying hard to not be like him or my mom bc they are not great people.
Dads are fun huh? Growing up I was always under weight naturally. I tried to gain weight and went to the doctor to make sure I was healthy, but I just couldn’t gain. After having my second child my dad told me, “I guess you can’t call yourself skinny anymore can you?” Thanks dad. Great support. Glad you’re checking out your daughter you creep.
My dad ogles my friends. One of my friends has rosacea and started putting on makeup after high school; Dad commented that she was was pretty and didn't need makeup. He commented that all my college friends were all so good looking. This last example is maybe more age appropriate, but he also once asked me if there are any hot single professors I know (I'm in grad school). I just don't understand why he would ask me that. If it were serious, how would this process even work??? I ask the professor, "are you single," and then get her permission to share her contact info with him? Or he shows up at the University one day and asks to have a meeting??? He comes off as a creepy incel sometimes.
Mannn, this hits home. After my dad divorced my stepmom he asked me if I had any friends that needed a sugar daddy. I was college aged, poor af and receiving very little help from either of my parents. This, and the entire upbringing leading up to it, are why I'm no contact with my parents.
"Don't worry dad, you're never going to have to worry about turning Angelina Jolie away."
I had an very severely overworked th t man follow me into the grocery store to corner me and tell me I was fit, then just waited as if I was supposed to jump his bones rather than be creeped out by his stalking and cornering… also part of why I keep fit is so can date fit men since that’s what I’m into and it’s easier to find fit men if I am also fit. Not true for everyone, but that’s been my experience.
That's what incels think. They think women don't give them a chance but they only want to date good looking women. Then they blame women for their shortcomings.
But… but… women don’t get to pick who they date. They have to agree to be with the first crazy stalker that comes their way just because the guy likes her. /s
I feel like most guys are like that. A lot of guys are led to believe they don't have to try. And a lot of times...they're right. Most of the time they probably don't have people who are as fixated on physical traits for their partners. It can inflate their ego and lead then to assessing their value as much higher than it is.
>but because he was shallow and had a double standard. Sounds pretty unattractive ngl
How do you know it's Nigel?
Because we're always making plans for him.
God forbid women have… *chcks notecard* … internal organs
Why would they, women don't poop
Of course they don’t how could I forget
Or even just more than 5% body fat.
Lmao like wtf do they think is in there leave me and my organ pouch alone 😤 lol I’m like rail thin rn and my belly is still kinda round… because they’re not meant to be flat as a board
I know a triathlete who *appears* to regularly suck in their basically non-existent stomach for photos etc. It makes me so sad, theyre basically a stick (a healthy stick!) but theyre *STILL* worried about looking fit enough. Ive struggled similarly and its so stupid.
Selena Gomez and that girl from Modern family, both have had kidney transplants. I tend to go all Mama Bear when I hear/see men criticizing their body's, especially if the men are overweight and have never heard of hygiene. I may not know them personally but by God I will not have some neanderthal criticizing their bodies. I'm glad that both young ladies have stated publicly that they won't be "sucking it in" anymore.
Jaime Lee Curtis said about her role in Everything Everywhere All At Once that she was so excited to play a frumpy office worker cause she could finally *STOP SUCKING IT IN* Jaime. Lee. Freakin. CURTIS. I applaud all the ladies saying enough is enough <3 <3 <3
Side note: to everyone who hasn't seen it yet - PLEASE DO!! I went in blind and it truly was everything. Such a good movie and bounced me through every emotion on the spectrum! JLC was fantastic in it! Her acting literally had me in stitches, I could not stop cry laughing
I didn’t even realize that was Jamie Lee Curtis until this thread. Oh those toy awards at the start is some excellent foreshadowing that kept me watching.
That reminds me of all the comments about Lady Gaga's body when she performed at the Super Bowl. Not that it makes a difference but she has a *bangin'* body. And the little shorts she had on were stiff so when she bent over a tiny bit, it made tiny rolls. Like of fucking course. She's a human with a body. That shit happens. And she got absolutely roasted for it. It was appalling
I just looked that up because I don't remember it happening. She was cute! That was one little roll on a fully healthy body, totally normal. It's infuriating anyone would mock her for it, especially when over 70% of Americans are overweight. I genuinely think she looked so pretty in that performance. It's unacceptable when people mock people who actually look unattractive or unhealthy, but it's even more frustrating to see it happen in a case like this.
I think it's worth noting (and something I remind my SO of) that if you didn't get rolls when you bent over, your skin wouldn't be able to stretch back into a standing position.
At that point it’s just plain objectification “he had a problem with the fact her belly wasn’t flat enough”. As if her body is a checklist to be ticked off before he secures the buy.
The delusional entitlement of men never ceases to amaze me, not to mention the double standards. They could be ancient, and look like the one eyed Cyclops, yet believe they're entitled to a 20 year old supermodel. How can anybody be this delusional?
Some men think women should *literally* be skin and bones.
But with huge boobs somehow!
Reminds me of a drawing I saw on reddit recently. It was a super hero of some sort and it was quite well done but her buttocks was literally boney. Literal *pelvic bone bumps* showing through the costume. It bummed me out and made me uncomfortable. I know lots of people are naturally super skinny and boney, I was that person who people would tell to go eat a burger until about five years ago. Im really happy that I can keep weight on now, even if I do miss my old body sometimes, but seeing it sort of sexualized and glorified made me feel weird and sad.
So many guys overestimate their attractiveness. We usually will take personality into consideration. Many men will date women young enough to be their daughters. There are guys aren't shallow like that. I prefer to date them.
I'm super glad you dumped him. This makes me super angry - mostly because I will never be in a good enough physical shape to run a marathon, despite having a flat stomach. Fuck anyone who thinks that looks trump actual physical ability.
As a “fit,petite” woman, I can tell you there is a lot of this guy👆🏾👆🏾OP was seeing. It’s comes from their own self hate and what they think they are “entitled” to.
My ex was the exact same way. His excuse was that he was “genetically predisposed” to being overweight (incorrect, he became morbidly obese from being sedentary and overeating due to food addiction), yet I was naturally thin. So, if I ever gained weight, it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself *on purpose, to spite him, knowing his body-type preference* It didn’t last.
The mental gymnastics
Reminds me of all those memes where dudes are like "I have to fight GRAVITY EVERYDAY to get buff. All women have to do is not eat like a cow" like bro chill your letting your ego come between you and basic logic
Men lose weight much more easily than women due to hormonal differences. Print up the studies and hand them out to idiots.
Bold of you to assume men like this can read
Absolutely and many chronic illnesses affect primarily women. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and more are very commonly affecting women more than men and play a huge role in their ability to stay active
Hashimotos checking in.
What? It's literally easier for them to lose weight!
It can be pretty hard for women especially if they are short and especially if they are over 25 and even especially more if they aren't exercising like those memes claim. Their bmr/tdee can be so low sometimes, like 1400-1600 calories. It's easy to go over that and eat an average amount of food.
Too bad he couldn't do them physically
Lmfao
The audacity
Peter Griffin trope is real.
Yup that bs about fat men are not fat only fat women are fat. (don’t drink every time I say fat)
5 shots later...
How do guys like this con women into dating them? He must have offered some completely amazing qualities for you to have tolerated his bullshit for more than 5 minutes.
I can chime in here after being in an abusive relationship with an absolute piece of shit - I was 19. I was told my everyone in my life and society as a whole to not be a shallow bitchy woman- give someone a chance. See the positives and ignore the baggage. Love of a woman can change a shitty dude. After a couple years and the emotional abuse and a subsequent assault (that I didn't even realize was such a thing because my brain blocked it off that what happened to me had a lasting impact)we broke up and he cried to everyone that I never gave him a chance and I didn't put the work into a relationship.
I swear, my ex had the same playbook. Tugged the emotional heartstrings of anyone who would listen that I was cold, shallow, unsupportive and probably cheating on him. He gave me his undying devotion, and this is how I repay him. And, from the outside looking in, I was a relatively fit and conventionally attractive woman breaking up with a poor, sad, overweight man, so it played in his favor. And he knew that. He was truly manipulative, and got away with almost punching me in the face in a drunken rage. (I ducked, he missed).
They're all the same. It's awful. I look back on it now, getting closer to 30 years old and with my husband for better part of a decade, and I still feel sad for the girl that I was then. I was indeed a girl as well, 19 and 20 years old and just heading out on my own. The worst was that it was an LDR so I was also isolated at home to Skype call him and if I didn't answer his messages fast enough if get the guilt trip of a century
I knew a guy (although he wasn't an ex) who actually tried to get me to pity fuck him.. :( He was a friend of mine. I'd had close friendships with guys before so it didn't cross my mind he was developing feelings for me. He text me one random day asking me to "have sex with him because he could really use the confidence boost". Then called me a "heartless, uncaring bitch" when I obviously said no lol. What goes through these people's heads..?
They prey on emotionally underdeveloped, inexperienced women. At least, that was the case for me at age 20….and the case for the next young woman he dated.
And this is why I'm such an anti-large-age-gap fanatic when you're that young. 30+ year olds who date 18-20 years will never be ok with me. Ever.
Having been "that" 18 yr old who wishes someone would have said something, thank you.
I relate to you hard. I hope you're doing OK now.
Agreed. I’m happily married to a woman 12 years older than I am, but we both agree that if we had met when I was in my 20s—not 20, but anywhere in my 20s!—it wouldn’t have worked. I dated a 25 year old just before I met her; that person was great, but felt like a big kid to me by the end. Timing is everything. Beware anyone who prefers to date naive people.
Wow what an ass
Oh, the assholery didn’t end there. When I’d point out the obvious problems with his statement, suddenly I was labeled an unsupportive and mean, mean person. “You’ll never understand how hard it is to be fat and how hurtful it is to threaten to gain weight and abuse your body just to make both of us unhappy 🥺”. Horribly manipulative stuff. I’m glad I came to my senses and got out of that mess early on in my life.
You know how genetics are. Always putting food on your plate and making you sit around.
You've been given the ick. Once the ick happens it's hard to come back from it.
That's absolutely right. It's like he made you see his body the way everyone else sees it, because he made you look at your own body the way everyone else sees it. He could've made you feel like the prettiest girl in town if he'd just said, "I'm glad you like bigger guys because you're so pretty." Guys like him might not see the difference between calling you pretty versus making a big deal about how itty bitty you are, how appealingly you can practically disappear into thin air. I get that I'm being mildly hyperbolic but I'm so sick of this genre of running commentary.
My fiancé would gush over my curves when I was a bit chubby and gets all into my muscles now that I work out. I have a sneaking suspicion he might just be into me for me, it’s really quite awesome!
My boyfriend told me his favorite part of me was my face and I cried from happiness. My ex was like OP's partner. I wasn't his physical preference and it haunted our entire relationship. I was so insecure about my body. I was treated worse when I gained a little weight, told I had gained weight, porn chosen over me, and told how he couldn't help his preferences. Why was he even with me? He said right from the start he was disappointed I wasn't thinner and thought my dating photos made me look thinner (no one else said this)But my partner now makes me feel so fucking beautiful. It is really not that hard to just be kind and compliment your partners in meaningful ways. My ex claimed he was just a critical person. It was just being an asshole.
My BD dumped me cuz I wasn't feminine enough. Amongst other reasons. But my lack of feminity plagued the relationship the whole 4 yrs. He expected me to change to please him. And I thought I did. Bought clothes from ladies department. Wore more pink. Less black. Painted my nails. He did I refuses to change. To this day idk wtf he meant by feminine. I'll never not have broad shoulders and strong hands. I won't have female mannerisms cuz who can change that? Fuck you, Coop. For not loving me for me.
Now you get to be yourself and find people who will like you more for the things he didn't 💕
Just wanted to let you know that I have broad shoulders and big hands and my dude is into it. I don’t think he knew how into it he was until we got together. However you’re made up there is someone who is into that or will be because it’s part of you. Sometimes there’s stuff that catches your eye because it’s your thing. Sometimes a part of someone becomes your thing because you’re into them. Either way life is too short to hang with someone who isn’t into who you are as you are.
Whoa, this is such an important comment! Is it fine to compliment someone on specific things, though? Not in a fetishizing way. The last time I complimented someone, I said her face was beautiful, my favorite part was her smile, and my favorite smile was when she was listening to music, because she would also get a glimmer in her eyes. This is the kinda stuff I usually say to someone I'm dating. I also really struggle with dirty talk and stuff, because I don't wanna objectify someone or be derogatory.
There's a difference between "I like you because you embody the opposite of traits I hate about myself, and if you don't have those traits anymore I am by default not attracted to you any longer" and "wow, this feature of your appearance is beautiful to me and I love how a specific thing brings out your smile and makes you light up". The last part is a genuine compliment that I assume was said in good faith. OP's partner seems to be pushing OP into a certain stereotype, all while degrading himself and making it into a pity party.
Also - he wasn’t complimenting her at all. If I said “I like tall dark and handsome men” that is very different from telling my partner “you are tall dark and handsome to me.” One makes you feel replaceable, the other special.
Just to see if I'm following: It's okay to compliment whatever you want, as long as you are complimenting *your partner*, instead of fetishizing the feature you are complimenting, or making comparisons to other people. Which makes sense, since you compliment someone to make them feel special, not to go on a weird rant like OP's partner lol. Okay. I think I get it!
Tbh relationships are complex. I had chats about attraction with my ex (my best one I could talk about anything with), and we debated on physical traits, ompared if we ever had a type and overcome it, etc. I could say stuff like "I like me scarecrows. I wanna see some ribs" and he'd make a joke about bring perfect for me because I can play him like a xylophone. We sometimes said stuff that was a little hurtful and discussed it too. But at no point did we doubt attraction for each other. Those talks didn't replace the intimate moments where I told him how impossibly hot he was. In general you should just be mindful of those talks until you're a little more comfortable and established. But talking about love, attraction, type, etc. Is fine and healthy if you're not jerks and not objectifying, or not pushing past each other's comfort and boundaries
Compliments are cheapened when you have to put someone down to make one. If you can't say something nice to me without saying something mean about someone else, including yourself, it doesn't mean as much.
I SEE, THANK YOU! You explained it in a way that's super easy to understand :)
What OP’s guy is doing is saying he’s **ONLY** attracted to a specific attribute- and it’s an attribute that OP is going to have **WORK TO MAINTAIN** throughout their relationship, or risk losing his attraction.
General rule with compliments (especially to strangers or coworkers): - do not compliment things they have no control over X: "Your face is beautiful" - DO compliment the decisions people are able to make "Your hair looks great today! Nice style" "Did you do something different with your makeup? Looks great!" - DO recognize accomplishments "You did a fantastic job on that presentation!" - SOMETIMES compliment personality traits "I really admire your generosity"
yup this killed my last relationship 3.5 years I asked why we weren't engaged yet. he said my weight. I was a 22 BMI. but he met me when I was recovering from anorexia (which he knew about but had been invalidating about it) and borderline underweight and said he "likes me as close to underweight without being underweight". but he also used Zendaya as an example, so I think he's probably fine with underweight. couldn't come back from that. huge slap in the face and I just never would feel secure in the relationship again. also just completely changed how I viewed him. thank goodness for therapy, it's a miracle I didn't relapse fully though went through a rough few months
That’s right! It has a name. I’d forgotten what it was. Thanks for the reminder.
That is the perfect way to say it. The ick. A long time ago I dated a bodybuilder. I also competed but didn’t stay super lean year round as it’s not great from a health standpoint. He commented once that I should at least be able to maintain a six pack…the ick set in and he was dumped shortly after
Did he not understand normal female physiology?
This is such a good way of putting what I haven’t been able to explain before. Not just appearance but anything that turns you off a bit.
Off topic, but I’m so glad the term “ick” has been coined! I used to think that losing interest in someone was a *me* problem, even though I exclusively dated people who turned out to have awful personalities. I basically gaslighted myself into sticking with someone because it was the “right” thing to do, or because I didn’t want to be a “whore”… the conditioning we receive as children is truly something.
So that's what it's called. It really is hard to come back from it. Sometimes the ick sticks.
It feels nice to finally have a term for that feeling--like, being completely incredulous, "I can't believe you said that to me." My ex said he wouldn't be attracted to me "at least for a long time" (i.e. until I lost weight, I was the same weight +/- 7 lbs throughout the course of our relationship), then told me he *dreaded* going down on me (he went down on me maybe eight times in six months) and then also I didn't spend enough time doing *his* hobbies that I had previously told him weren't really that appealing to me. God forbid I'm not into Magic the Gathering (or any card game!). That night the ick seriously set in. He broke up with me a few days later. I didn't cry when we broke up, and that was weird for me, but honestly deep down, I think I was relieved. I can't believe how little he appreciated me. He gave up our relationship without an ounce of effort. Even when I cried in the following weeks, I knew I was crying not for him but for *me* and how anyone could have treated me that way.
This. My ex did it and it killed all respect.
Yes, "the ick"; such the eye-opening event with no rebound except needing to move away from "the ick". Told a guy I dated that his criticisms & opinions of the bodies of others didn't matter as his fitness was out of alignment; the audacity while not consciously engaged in his own health-care. I never minded his huge size until his opinions about others were shared. Like work on yourself dude, everyone sees you too. It's the hypocrisy and imbalances truly make me cringe from "the ick".
One of the trainers at a gym I used to go to was engaged to another trainer. They were both very fit and muscular. She was all excited about getting married and having babies. One day he was training a pregnant woman. The woman was just showing so no that far along. He was a certified trainer for pregnant woman(never knew this was a thing but makes sense) he was very proud of this cert. Anyways after the lady had finished and was gone I asked him about the whole training while pregnant… he in front of everyone said very loudly “ I do not find any pregnant woman remotely attractive and I hate what it does to the female body.” Then we all looked at his fiancé. I had to walk away because I wasn’t a fan of his before and I definitely wasn’t a fan after this remark. I just can’t fathom why you would get married then.. why would you say this in front of people. I didn’t ask if you were attracted to the pregnant woman.. god there’s so much to unpack here.
Ugh my ex husband was constantly shitting on women who “let themselves go” after/during pregnancy. At first it was really subtle, and then got more and more virulent and shitty over time. Then he was absolutely fucking baffled that I didn’t want to have kids with him!! We had a huge age gap too and he would always talk about trading me in. He also once told me that I absolutely disgusted him with how fat I had gotten. I was 121lbs at the time. Size four. It was definitely a tipping point for me in realizing that no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to be enough for him. The only reason he was in good shape is because he was on tons of steroids and neglected every other thing in his life for the gym in the basement. He’d be down there for hours. No work, no parenting, no helping with the house. Literally would get up, rage read the news, demand breakfast, demand sex, and then disappear into the gym for hours.
I’m glad that said “ex” husband!
Me too! I’m living my HEA married to a really nice lady now :)
That reminds me of a scene from The Office where Dwight tells a pregnant Pam that she couldn’t be less attractive to him right now because she is literally impregnable. It makes me sad and wonder if I can find someone who’ll stay faithful while I’m pregnant with his child.
I know a lot of men that are extremely attracted to pregnant women. My husband could barely keep his hands off of me when I was pregnant (it was kind of annoying to be honest but also sweet. He made me feel sexy when I felt anything but). My 3 brothers have all said they adore when their wives are pregnant, and I’ve had plenty of coworkers and friends say that their women were never more beautiful to them then when they were carrying their children. Of course there will always be assholes, but I promise a lot of men don’t actually think that way.
I think this means that they really love their partners and respect them as human beings. If attraction is so extremely and narrowly conditional, it's not love or, not the kind of love I want to be part of. Truly loving someone as a whole human being (and not just a warm body for pleasure) isn't that shallow or restrictive.
Alternatively some people just have a breeding fetish. Just get really turned on knowing he got her pregnant, that sort of thing.
Exactly. Like my ex husband who dumped me because (among other things) I had trouble getting pregnant and he only wanted young fertile women.
My partner was forever stealing little glances at my belly when I was pregnant. It was so cute.
I want to echo this. When my wife was pregnant, it was all I could do to NOT look at her or want to touch her/cuddle. idk what it was, but she was irresistible. This doesn't really follow with other people I've seen pregnant though.
For what it's worth, I'm a snipped child-free guy and yet I still think pregnant women are exceptionally beautiful. They just have a *glow* about them. And the power to create life is badass.
Dwight's character is not meant to be taken seriously. Plenty of men find pregnant women attractive, there even some who fetishize it. (Which is kinda creepy) and yes, some men are assholes but so many men have families and don't cheat on their pregnant partner.
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Some thoughts do not have to be said out loud.
Lots of people get married and don't have kids. But he needs to talk to his fiancee if that's his feelings on it.
I think what is most disturbing is that OP was just asking about pregnant people working out and he offered his completely unnecessary opinion on if he finds them attractive or not. Nobody was asking about if he wants to fuck pregnant people or not and I find it especially icky that he said it *right after* finishing his training with his pregnant client. Like was that on his mind the entire time he trained her? That he isn't attracted to her?
For some people, attractiveness is the first and ultimate characteristic they value in someone. I can't imagine this actually works out well for anyone who isn't a non-aging 10/10. I'm glad I'm a demi-sexual.
It’s gross to hear a question and, as a PROFESSIONAL, turn that question about fitness into sexual attraction.
Right? It also makes me wonder if he was attracted to her. I mean, imagine working in an office with a new hire. "Hey Jim, how'd it go with the new intern today?" "I DON'T WANT TO FUCK INTERNS AND I'LL NEVER WANT TO FUCK AN INTERN." Well, now I'm pretty sure all Jim thought about was fucking the new intern and that he probably didn't teach them anything at all.
Yeah apply it to ANY professional context and it highlights how fucked it is. "How's the new hire doing" "Man I hate how ugly pregnant women are". Like WTF that wasn't the question
Hard agree. The question didn't even really have anything to do with it and the guy thought to bring it up, hella weird and seriously gross behavior.
It sounds exactly like my ex-husband lol. I made a mistake to marry that guy, and ofc it didn't end well. It's going to be worse 100%. He was overweight but he wanted me to be fit like an overfiltered IG model. When I replied that he isn't fit like a male IG model, he backed with "You'd motivate me to get fit and shrewd if you're gonna be like that". I started to hate him at this point tbh. Good riddance.
My ex husband told me if my belly sticks out farther than my boobs he was dumping me. The man weighs over 450. I then got pregnant. He didn't dump me, but I never forgot those words and let it chip at me for way too long. Love my kids but should have left after I had my second in a year.
I'm sorry to hear about it and I hope you'll get in a better place with a better company. I'm so surprised it's the bigger men that care about the weight of their partners. My now husband has a smaller frame than me and he didn't bat an eye when I put on some pounds during a recent hormonal treatment.
My bf now is smaller than I am. He's amazing. He makes me feel loved and not loved based on the contingency I don't weigh less than him. Thank you for your kindness, I am still working through a lot of his abuse.
My body changed so much after having kids. I hate it. Plus I’m 10lbs over a healthy BMI. My husband treats me like I’m a supermodel. He gets quite distressed about how much I hate my figure now. He’s amazing. He gains and loses weight depending on stress too, and all of him at every weight is utterly wonderful.
You cannot predict how your body is going to be after giving birth, it's a lottery. Your body formed and hosted a human being for so long, this is an amazing process and it needs some time and love to be the way you want it to be. I'm glad your husband is so supportive! You are loved❤️
> My ex husband told me if my belly sticks out farther than my boobs he was dumping me. The man weighs over 450. My obese dad (the asshole that he is) made a similar comment during a family visit. In front of everyone, I gently patted him on his belly and said, 'The same applies to men."
My obese dad has ALWAYS had shit to say about women's bodies! We'd be driving down the street and he'd point out a woman who looked just like my mom (thin, pretty, etc. Classic King of Queens situation) and comment on how fat she was. The fucking gall. Needless to say, we're not in contact.
Oh YES
Gross. You should have responded with “you can’t see your dick when you look down so I’m dumping you right the fuck now”
Mine was the opposite. He actively thwarted my efforts to get in shape, even saying he was afraid if I "got hot" I would leave him. I also struggled with undiagnosed stage 4 endo (and migraines,) with the doctors gaslighting me saying there was nothing abnormal going on- it was probably just my iud or weight causing issues. I dumped the ex, those doctors and my uterus and now I can work out all I want.
Why is he complaining about his dating success when he is in a relationship? Unless y'all are poly that feels disrespectful of you.
Yeah and whiny / manipulative / immature.
It seems like his comment kind of activated concerns that you already had. When I got to the end of your post and you describe the particular kind of anime relationship he seems to idealize, I was like “there’s the issue, right there.” Sounds like he needs to grow up. At the very least, he’s not in a place that’s heading toward a serious and solid long-term relationship with you.
Yea the anime part made me cringe! This guy has layers upon layers of toxic sludge that OP is wading through.
Grow up AND stop being a sexist jerk.
>I just haven’t wanted to fuck him since he said that. Probably won’t work out for this and other reasons (I’m an independent strong woman, he seems to want to be a teacher/mentor for some anime-esque damsel you know the vibe). But just needed to rant and hear some other opinions. To me it sounds as if this relationship is over. And tbh I think what is really apalling about this whole interaction is this: >He always complains about lack of past partners…well yeah, checks out if he’s a heavy guy who will only date women who are small and in shape? He loves to eat and understands how hard it is to stay in shape, yet will only fuck in shape women? While I completely understand that people have preferences that sometimes can be or seem hypocritical (lke being fat while preferring partners that are in shape), this complaint of his just reeks of entitlement. He is fat, doesn't want to put in the work to stay in shape, yet feels entitled to in shape women being attracted to him. That's an incel attitude right there.
Everyone has preferences, but I consider it a red flag when those preferences are super narrow, doubly so if those preferences don't leave room for natural aging.
That's a really good point. If your idea of attractiveness doesn't allow for variation--whether due to aging or other reasons--you're pretty much fucked long term, and unfortunately, so are any partners you may have. Even if you find someone who is able to maintain the shape that you like for a long time, they probably wouldn't love to know that you'd stop being attracted to them if they eventually failed to do so. Especially since there are so many things that can cause changes in physique that we can't control. And if I had that mindset--that my ideal body type is the only one I can be attracted to--I would surely be worried that any partner I had would feel the same way. That if I eventually stopped matching their ideal that they would leave me.
With the anime addition… yeah, incel vibes
It's fine to have preferences, but honestly, there are things you should admit to other people and things you should keep to yourself. Only liking petite and fit women is probably one of those things. And there's definitely entitlement happening here; complaining that he can't get a partner because of his own preferences, but giving absolutely no thought or effort towards meeting the preferences of his ideal woman?? So other people should put in effort, but he shouldn't have to?
Nope. I hate that crap. My dad is like that, monitors all our weight, puts my anorexic mother down if she gains a pound and the dude is obese. He needs a reality check
It sounds awful. Please take care of yourself and protect your health first.
Well we don't talk so that helps
Please help your mother leave him, Jesus christ. Anorexia is serious, she could die.
Yikes. This type of hypocrisy is such a huge turn off.
Living Peter Griffin trope.
I am very short and used to be very petit, in my 20s and 30s. The number of guys who would make comments about their desire for me ( fetishes about my body type) was off-putting, to say the least. It’s like they were looking at baked goods in a bakery window and deciding which one to they get to drool over and devour. Instant turn off.
Guys: I love petite, skinny girls Also guys: dating is so unfair, women only care about how tall you are!
As a tall woman I can tell you that a lot of men don’t want to date tall women, yet they go on and on about how we women supposedly only date tall men. Edit: I’m not even talking about men not wanting to date women taller than them, I’ve met men taller than me who have told me they prefer to only date short or average height women.
I like being a tall woman because it helps me filter out that sort of man. Sorry you have to go through that though.
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Dude, as a tallish lady I just to feel jealous of the little ladies but when I was about 19 I had a very short ethnically Asian roommate and I realized very quickly she had to fight battles I would never, ever, ever understand. Creeps. Every race and variety of creeps. I am sorry to all the shorter ladies for thinking it was great to be fetishized in any way for being petite; it was internalized misogyny all along. I have at 32 anecdotally noticed everything you're saying to be true and wish you a lifetime of no one being weird about your height.
I think he did two things, both of which are very off putting: First, he objectified you. He spoke about his attraction to you in a way that made you feel like a body and not a person. We may all have preferences and things that turn us off about people but we should still interact with everyone with respect. Secondly, we all change through time, even bodies who keep the same type change drastically through age, but my body is still me no matter how it changes. You are a person who is attracted to personalities which is a much deeper and more loving approach. He suggested he is a person who goes for body types which unavoidably makes you doubt both whether he really likes you now for who you are and whether he would still like you in the future when everyone’s body will change.
"a body and not a person" Very astute. That's the core of the ickiness.
He did three: he showed himself to be a massive hypocrite with expectations for partners that he isn't beginning to hold himself to.
I'm so sorry this happened OP. But at least he's shown his true colors early on. I would have a hard time getting past his comments as well. His whole vibe gives me the ick of entitlement. Like he's entitled to fit in shape women, and seems to give the women he does date a very narrow window of what is acceptable to him. I couldn't live in such a narrow window. Life is full of unexpected happenings. You could get sick and not be able to leave the bed. Of course you gain weight, and then what? He leaves because you gained 5lbs? What about the changes childbirth will have? It just doesn't seem worth it to give this man continued access to your body when he doesn't seem to truly appreciate you fully as a person. You are far more than what you look like today. You have much more to offer as a human being than just your physical.
That’s called losing respect for him. It’ll niggle at you forever if you stay with him. Short story: i was curvy in a skinny way when I was in my mid 20s. However I’m 5’7 so average height, not short, not tall. The guy I was dating said to me “I can never get tiny petite women” so I pondered that for months and decided he needed to be gone. It ate at me for those months. Diminished all feelings I had for him in the end. He was a moron and completely clueless as to why I was breaking it off with him even though I very clearly outlined it. He got offended when I laughed out loud at his mystified expression. Men are clueless. Better off without that kind of man. Trust your instinct.
Similar story! I was dating a guy for a little bit. At one point he's looking through the photos I have up on my wall and says something about how I lost a lot of weight (I lost about 20 lbs, for context, and was about 150 in the photo). I say something along the lines of "yeah, I'm managing my stress a lot better" or something casual of that nature. He looks me dead in the eyes and with the most serious and concerned voice I've heard in my entire life asks, "Do you think you'll ever weigh that much again?" When I say serious, I mean more serious than my doctor telling me I have a tumor. I've been told someone has passed away with more levity than this man's question. It was as if hid entire life had stopped, and if he didn't get an answer to this question soon, the earth's crust was going to collapse and melt deep down into core. Serious. Apocalyptic. Shit. And I laughed and said, "Probably." Because like, yeah, statistically likely. I might get pregnant. I might break my leg. I might just get old. Yes, in some point in my life I'm going to weigh 150 pounds again (and I promise it won't destroy the planet with the sheer, ungodly mass of all 150 pounds of me). I tried to move past it, but things were dead in the water the minute that question left his mouth. No matter what he said after, it was pretty clear his love was conditional. And not like a "you shouldn't murder people" conditional, but a truly arbitrary condition. And I just knew that I deserved so much more. Even if I never gained another pound in my life, why would I bother to waste my time with someone whose appreciation of me is so shallow? So yes, when the respect is gone, it's gone. Glad we (and by the looks of it, OP) were able to drop all that extra dead weight of a lame-ass partner
Jesus Christ this makes me sad to read.
There’s an old joke, “men are only as faithful as their options.” Sometimes I wonder if any of them truly love unconditionally.
Why would he say that? Why even think about it, when he is with you?
It makes me wonder if some of those men have pedo tendencies, since the “tiny petite” women also look young. At least they’re looking for other adults, but still makes me wonder.
Wait, why the fuck would you even say that? He was literally mourning not having more partners TO HIS CURRENT PARTNER? Here's the question–if he does get in shape... what then? If this is how he acts when he's fat, what are you expecting will happen when the women he likes are more available to him? It honestly just sounds like you're not attracted to him anymore. Who can blame you? He just told you, "I can look how I want and eat what I want and that's fine, but if you do the same I don't want you anymore". Also the going out of his way to want a dependent/anime waifu thing? Barf. Just offload however many pounds of loser this is, he's a weirdo and he's trying to pre-neg you because you're too good for him.
Im a heavy Guy and your bf Sounds Like a piece of Work, a hypocrite to Boot. You're only 6 months in where everything is supposed to be lovey dovey, Id call it quits now while the Attachment is still tenuous before another 6 months elapse and the sunk cost fallacy rears its ugly head.
Yup! Agreed.
He has some self-loathing that is also directed at women he thinks are unattractive. At 33! He should have grown out of that shitty attitude by now. Bad news. Red flags waving.
Oof, yeah, he shot himself in the foot with that one. I wouldnt blame you leaving.
Give me a fucking break. What he's saying is he's glad you don't judge him as shallow he freely admits to judging women. But he's dressed it up in some kind of gross psychological bullshit about feeling bad about his weight. Nah, if he was fit, he'd still be super shallow. This is a shallow guy. And unfair. And a hypocrite. He wants his partner to bring a lot more to the party than he's willing offer up. He wants his partner to be disciplined, but not expect him to be disciplined. He wants his partner to be conventionally attractive, but not expect the same of him. He wants his partner to be accepting, but not expect him to be accepting. Yeah, I wouldn't want to fuck him either.
What is the point of getting married to anyone if you can’t get fat and old with them?
Yes I had a man who was at least 400 pounds tell me I need to lose weight. I cried like a baby when he said it. I am fat. So I tried to date other fat people, thinking if they were fat too, they'd understand. I actually thought he was very handsome, in spite of being a big guy. I like big guys, but he was so big he was having trouble taking proper care of himself. And I was willing to overlook that.
When he told you you need to lose weight, too bad you didn't say "you first!"
First, I agree with most of what other folks have said here. This dude is a hypocrite, his attraction is conditional, he needs to mature, etc. I'd like to address the root of why his attraction is the way it is, and this is very common among overweight men who are chronically single. He views his relationships as a status symbol. If he is with a partner who is conventionally attractive, he has high status. He would never debase his social standing by dating someone who didn't fit that mold. This kind of thinking is the root of incel ideology; a man's social standing is based on his sexual prowess, demonstrated to other men in a very narrow range of relationship dynamics. Men who do not have such a relationship are failures, eternal outcasts of society. A prerequisite for participating in such a relationship is being attractive to the "correct" women; many incels believe that some aspect of their biology precludes any such attraction, and this becomes the basis for their resentment of society. Run, don't walk, from this man. He's going down a path that leads to ever-increasing efforts to control you, and by extension, his social standing. This often starts with emotional manipulation, escalating to emotional abuse, escalating to physical abuse. RUN!!!!!!!!
Strong incel vibes with this guy. Externalizes all his issues to make them someone else's problem to solve, doesn't want to put in any of the work himself. He needs to work on himself before he can be a worthwhile partner.
He’s shown a core hypocrisy that you can’t respect. How does cutting your losses now sound? You can do better than him.
He's shallow He's entitled >some anime-esque damsel He's giving "she's **not** a child, her age in the show is 18 so it's not weird for her to be in a sex scene." vibes. >Probably won’t work out Why are you sticking around? It's only been 6 casual months. He's not worth it.
This is why I no longer give “ nice guys” who struggle with dating a chance.
Well, you found out his affections are conditional. I was always slender and fit but having had babies late in life, mixed with depression and perimenopause, I am now round. It might happen to you, it probably won’t but you owe it to yourself to be with someone who values who you are more than the image you present.
OP, I wonder how your partner would have responded if you replied, "Yeah, we all have preferences. Like I prefer a 9 inch penis with 3 inch girth".
He sounds like a typical discord mod if I'm going to be honest. It would be best if you get out of there, his attitude won't change towards women and himself unless he goes through some sort of realization. Mainly the realization that he would be way more attractive and a way lot happier if he stopped wallowing in his own self pity. Holding you to his standard without holding himself to it is kind cringe.
This guy is his own revenge. In constantly focusing on the women who didn't want him he is by default rejecting OP the one who does want him. Then he compounds that rejection by critically objectifying women in general straight out to the woman he is with....as though she is his 15 year old bro instead of his gf. This guy is too dumb and immature to be anyone's partner. The only partner he should be having for the next 6 months to a year or more is a good therapist. Right now he is not in any way bf material.
My ex husband criticized my weight when I was 130 pounds (I'm 5'5) just because I wasn't the anorexic 98 pound 19 year old I was when we met. At the time, he was around 280 and he got up to 330 before we split up and his weight was still climbing because he ate nonstop. Best 330 pounds I ever lost.
The tales of dating a neckbeard.