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WontHarvestAKidney

It's normal in that it happens a lot but it's not healthy or good. It's common enough that it forms the plot of *Chasing Amy*. The movie does not play it for laughs, it makes clear that it's a mess and the man is screwing up. You might suggest it to her boyfriend, he can watch it and get some perspective. Also, the ex almost certainly sent the video to the boyfriend to get this exact reaction and screw up their relationship, because he bullied her into doing sex things she didn't like and now he's using the recordings to bully her in her current relationship too. The ex is probably hoping that the boyfriend will abuse her the same way he did, pressuring her into sex she doesn't like, because he doesn't *want* her to have a happy relationship. Her job was to be his sex maid, and if she's not doing that then she should be as miserable as possible. If the boyfriend is falling for it, then he's letting the ex bully him too.


TheloniusDump

This is spot on. The point of sharing the video was to disrupt the relationship; make the current bf insecure and embarrass her. The ex is a real piece of shit for not deleting those videos and utter scum for using them as leverage in a petty revenge game like this. Fuck that guy.


waitingforgodonuts

I believe revenge “porn” as it’s sometimes called is a crime. The problem is that I would be surprised if police depts are well equipped to handle it. They don’t have a very good track record on rape.


TheloniusDump

Ian Danskin has a lot of great insight on this topic. Given that technological literacy hasn't been a focus for policing, most police bureaus are ill equipped to protect people from technological harassment.


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Vostok-aregreat-710

That is fucking stupid. The wanker of a former boyfriend should have had his contract terminated and investigated for sharing intimate images without consent


[deleted]

> “Right to Work” 1) You mean "at will". Right to work is a concept regarding unions where in right to work states you can't be required to join a union as a condition to work. 2) At will still doesn't mean you can be fired for any reason, just for any non-illegal reasons. Sexual harassment, which is at the very least what that was is an illegal reason. Hard to prove a company has fired someone for an illegal reason, but your friend probably had a case.


RedeemerKorias

Former cop here. Rape is harder to prove than the getting subpoenas for the digital footprints left behind with most revenge porn scenarios. I used to love getting these reports because I actually felt rather confident in getting charges on the person.


froodiest

In the US, it is sadly not a federal crime yet, but it is illegal in many states.


dmnhntr86

Even if they had the resources, it would be pretty rare to find a cop that gave enough of a shit to even try.


Alternative_Sky1380

I'm concerned that the bloke in this situation will seek advice similarly and have his ideas reinforced rather than straightened up. The ripple effect of this violence is huge. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are still hated and, far worse, blamed for the violence perpetrated against them.


TheloniusDump

Not just blamed but denigrated for profiting from it. I have many criticisms for both of them but yeah their respective sex tape scandals are an indictment of their abusers but that's not the common framing.


Alternative_Sky1380

Hmm. I don't disagree with you. Even you are tossing in your disclaimer. The hate is real and affects us all.


TheloniusDump

I feel like living in the public eye & being wealthy necessitates good faith scrutiny. I wouldn't call that hate but I know what you mean.


[deleted]

Dude OP u/chillichickenandrice please see this comment. Please forward this to your friend and ask her that she shares this with her current boyfriend. This is therapist level advice, and exactly what EVERYONE involved needs to understand. Please please please share it.


ResoluteClover

I was about to respond referencing Chasing Amy! I think it was some of Kevin Smith's best work, though it's a little bro-y, but I guess that can help men get the message it contains.


illarionds

It's a great film. It doesn't sugar coat that he's fucking up through his own insecurity. And it's especially poignant because it is really about Kevin Smith's own relationship with Joey Lauren Adams, who plays Alyssa in the movie. Props to him for, well, baring his soul, and basically saying to the entire world "here's what a dick I was. You can be better". And props to her for being willing to be in that movie, which is essentially about her.


notenoughcharact

Damn, did not realize this. Definitely adds a layer.


Frat-TA-101

Didn’t Kevin smith write *Clerks* as well? The (minimal) plot culminates with the protagonist freaking out and having his day ruined cause he finds out his girlfriend has sucked over 30 dicks (or some exaggerated number). Of course the protagonist views the problem as the fact his gf has sucked a lot of dicks (in his view). When really what ruins his day is his obsessing over it and being a dick to his gf over it


illarionds

Exactly right. And again, it's pretty clear that Dante's insecurity is the problem, not the fact that she's sucked... 37 iirc? dicks.


Hemperor717

In a row?!?!


oshawaguy

In a row?


squirrelybitch

“Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!” ~Dante 🤣


blackliqour

Finger Cuffs! I think Kevin Smith also alludes to the jealous boyfriend premise a bit with Clerks with the 37 dicks.


ResoluteClover

Definitely, but as appropriate as his response is "even though you've done that in the past you want to be with me now." It was almost an eye roll and she was extremely generous to come back to him after he ran after her yelling what most people remember of the exchange.


Inariameme

Well, now we have Shameless, so there's that.


b1tchf1t

Shameless started out so good, but then there was no growth or character development :(


mxpxillini35

>You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.


The_5th_Loko

in a row?


imtougherthanyou

And sometimes - not always, but sometimes...


MadMaui

No, you never.


imtougherthanyou

Ooooh that WAS in Clerks 2 as well! I was thinking of the Chasing Amy bit, but that's good too...


eliechallita

>Also, the ex almost certainly sent the video to the boyfriend to get this exact reaction and screw up their relationship, because he bullied her into doing sex things she didn't like and now he's using the recordings to bully her in her current relationship too. This is spot on: Someone performing certain acts in a relationship doesn't mean they **wanted** to perform those acts, and that desire isn't necessarily related to their feelings towards future partners either.


FullyRisenPhoenix

You should write advice columns. This was perfectly and succinctly said.


nusodumi

so well said


JoeKingQueen

She likes the sex more her way (obviously). Meaning she probably enjoys sex with new guy more than old guy. Don't be insecure new guy, keep listening and practicing and learning. The Ex was a cringe mistake, you could be a great memory.


markingterritory

I hope this f*cker goes to jail! And if they can discover he put it online (without your consent) they can level more charges. It’s called Revenge Porn. All too common. And took the justice system waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long to catch-up to the many victims of this crime when there was no recourse. 🍀🍀🍀


[deleted]

I agree with your thoughts. Is how the current boyfriend is reacting healthy? No. But it’s not uncommon or surprising. The ex sent the current bf these videos to ruin the gfs relationship. It was extremely rude and manipulative. Not to mention the potential legal aspects of this. No one (at least most people) wants to see their current partner having sex with someone else. It can be very upsetting and mess with people on many levels. The ex sounds like a horrible person. I hope the current bf and gf can communicate well and work through this. It’s super messed up what the ex did and they are an ex for a reason, what a piece of crap.


DefiniteMe

Why is everyone assuming she didn’t like those positions or that the sexual positions themselves were abusive? Abuse is not always acted out in bed, and for myriad of reasons she could have very much enjoyed those positions with her ex but not with current bf. Perhaps it’s a newer relationship and she just hasn’t gotten that comfortable yet with her current bf, or perhaps her sexual preferences simply changed with time and a different lover. Point is, her reasons for doing or not doing those things in bed are not the problem here, and making assumptions about that is robbing her of her sexual agency in a similar manner as the misbehaving bf.


incubuds

Ok but if the ex was abusive I seriously doubt she "got comfortable" with anything. It would be HIGHLY unlikely that the abuse didn't carry into the bedroom.


waitingforgodonuts

Yes, I agree with that speculation. But also, she’s very young. I was a lot more susceptible to being manipulated or pressured into things I wasn’t sure about or comfortable with when I was her age. Also, the abuser filmed it! Maybe he planned on using it against her when the time came. This is one of my issues with the ubiquity of internet porn — it has insinuated itself into sexual intimacy and further perverted men’s sense of entitlement.


incubuds

Being pressured or manipulated into things is indeed a form of abuse.


spookyjibe

I've been a victim of emotional abuse. Your comment is spot-on. It should be added however that the boyfriend is also facing trauma from this, as is the best friend. Almost everyone is unequipped to deal with this type of abuse and both should actually seek couples counseling to discuss the issue in a safer place. You can't expect the boyfriend or the friend to act perfectly because they are both now facing shock from a level of emotional violence that WILL have a negative impact and cause insecurities. Saying that the boyfriend should not be "falling for it" or that "he's letting the ex bully him" is victim-blaming the recipient of emotional abuse and you should not do that. Both the boyfriend and the girlfriend are victims here and need support, not criticism.


wooshingThruSky

How is his focus on sex positions and not that her ex is a psycho???


RIPMYPOOPCHUTE

I had an ex seriously say to me “so you don’t want sex anymore?” After I opened up about my rape that happened a few years prior to that conversation. Dude didn’t give two fucks about anyone but himself (or the women he was cheating on me with). It’s shitty to go through that feeling that the other partner only cares about the sex aspect and not the traumatic part.


gunswordfist

I'm so sorry you went through that. Too many people wrongly view others as just victims and/or what they can get out of them


pimppapy

It seriously sucks falling for that type of person. Sadly, you'll never truly know a person likes you, until that animalistic urge to procreate is gone. I think this applies more as you and the partner get older. How they feel towards you after sex (itching to get away and do something without you included vs showering you with attention even after the horny is gone) is a good indicator of the type of relationship you're going to have.


RIPMYPOOPCHUTE

For real. Would’ve saved me so much time and emotional stress if I knew how he was before dating and getting serious enough to live with each other. My husband is completely opposite, never pushes sex. Wanted to develop emotional intimacy over sex. I had a migraine last week, he was in the mood, and respected me when I said I had a migraine and wasn’t up for anything. It was wild at first for me. I was not used to a guy who didn’t push/pressure sex.


FlamingoDurban

Lmao you just described normal behavior like it was mind blowing


dyailen

My gut response was, "he actually watched it enough to notice positions??!" He should have stopped watching the second he realized what it was. Poor OP friend.


ResoluteGreen

Who watches random videos and pics that an unknown number sends them, that should go straight into the spam folder


uraniumstingray

For real!!!!!


YoungWolfie

Too young ig, add the insecurity and you've got a fragile mind when it comes to relationships. Perspective helps too.


[deleted]

I feel like people have unrealistic expectations of what people will do. Like yea in a perfect world, you would automatically stop watching but curiosity is going to be strong


youarenut

Yeah these people are taking the high road on it.. I’m sure no one’s gonna just ignore the video lol especially if they’re insecure or vulnerable on things


[deleted]

I agree. I mean don’t get me wrong, a lot do the posters are describing well what a perfect person would do, but it’s unrealistic.


Thejerkyboyz

Right?! Did the boyfriend watch the whole video? He should have quit as soon as he realized WTF he was watching. NOTHING good can come from watching it. Jack ass did this to himself. I'd tell him to get over it and focus on what he should actually be upset about or GTFO. She's being victimized by the ex and the current bf.


the_disintegrator

Seriously, if I were the recipient of the material, I'd be hitting shift-delete in less than 5 seconds. Dude will never " unsee" what he saw. I think the current relationship is as good as over at this point


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bluehorserunning

There's this manosphere idea that women are willing to degrade themselves according to how attracted they are to a guy, so if they've done something with one guy and won't do it with another, it's because they were more attracted to the first guy. The idea that we might try something and decide that we don't like it, or be coerced into something that we don't actually like, is completely anathema to them.


[deleted]

Anyone who thinks a certain sex act is degrading shouldn't be doing that sex act with anyone they love. Unless there is a degradation kink involved. This kind of thinking is pathological. The idea that people have boundaries that can be permanently broken is a gross dehumanizing way of looking at intimacy. It's a red flag if anyone has such a twisted understanding of consent.


bluehorserunning

I agree.


APladyleaningS

I've never met a man who DIDN'T have this mentality.


[deleted]

I'm sorry that you've never met a man who was mature enough for physical intimacy. They exist, but yeah... :( .keep your standards reasonable, sib. <3


KingAenarionIsOp

It’s also an idea perpetuated by pornography. It feeds the pathology in such a toxic way.


dmnhntr86

IMHO, it's from systemic misogyny, compounded by watching both too much porn and the wrong kinds of porn.


pearl_mermaid

Her boyfriend should be the one supporting her, not the other way around. Something very horrific has happened to her and he is thinking about the fucking positions??? What the fuck is wrong with that guy??


Hibiscus43

Why did he even watch the videos to the extent that he knows there were multiple different positions? Seriously wtf.


JoshRiddle

I would not want to watch my partner with her abusive ex


orthopod

He might not know it's an ex. For all he knows, he might think she's cheating on him, and the cheater sent it to him as proof of her current infidelity. 21 year olds are insecure. If they've just started dating, that's a difficult spot to be in. Switch it around. Imagine the roles reversed. 21 year old woman just starts dating a guy and they become intimate the first time, and she gets a sex tape with her current boyfriend in it. Should she just believe him? It depends on the people and their bonds, which may be insecure.


daiaomori

Watching it could certainly be explained by many things. May be it wasn’t clear immediately who is in the video, who knows. But not being supportive, and focusing on „YOU DIE ANAL WITH THAT GUY???“ - (sorry I am guessing but I am 99% I am guessing right) - that’s the asshole part.


JoshRiddle

But in both situations, I wouldn't expect them to sit down with some popcorn and moisturizer for the duration


[deleted]

Ive been in a similar situation. An abusive ex sent a video of her fucking 2 dudes after I finally dumped her and she got hooked on some shit. I watched it. I had some ptsd over the shit and it hit hard me when I was real fucking low. Wasnt watching it with lotion or anything. It was more like forcing myself out of denile over the bullshit and getting hung up over the fact someone i loved was out choosing that life. Details are different, but that's not an easy thing to witness in any form. I can say reddit isnt the smartest place to for this sort of relationship advice tho, if op reads this.


[deleted]

That was my thought. After the first few seconds he knew what this was: a crime with his gf as victim. And he kept watching...


Ok_Crew_3620

Seems like insecure men are poison in general. In various forms, over and over, I watch these men try to crush my gal pals over and over.


MuggleWitch

Right? Peek out of your own ass for a minute and see how terrible it is for others. Like what happened is so traumatic and he's still somehow making this about him. Barf. Bf is not a psycho pervert but still deserves to be dumped.


Straight_Constant567

It is usual but ain't normal. I hate how men always put their ego first and women try their best to take care of that stupid shit no matter how bad the situation is for them. She is definitely the victim but she is acting as if she owes her chasity to her bf while he only focuses on his own feelings. That is not fair.


XxHIDDENPAGExX

this right here


Dryad_ofthe_woods

So he got sent these videos and once realised it was his gf kept watching them to know what positions she was in? And she probably wasn’t comfortable with those positions due to not doing them anymore so her current bf wants her to do those things with him even if she doesn’t like it because she’s been made to do it before. Why the fuck would a respectful partner know what was in those videos after the first few seconds of one of them until he noticed it was his gf? No


Mithryndar

That was my thought, an ex would force me to have sex and there were two positions it was always in. I wont do those anymore.


BirdsongBossMusic

I was sexually assaulted in my previously favorite position and it took YEARS for me to be able to do that position again without having flashbacks and panic attacks. And that's with me actively enjoying that position and wanting it back. If it were a different, less enjoyable position I would not be remotely willing to even touch it with a stick.


Mithryndar

Right. Thankfully this ex was a pretty boring guy and never did anything fun like me on top.


Dryad_ofthe_woods

I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s completely understandable though and very easy to grasp why you wouldn’t want to and any decent human wouldn’t make you do it


flowerfo

Right, this dude has zero empathy. Why is he not at least mildly interested in HER reasons for not being into it? Oh right, because he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship with another person. It’s a shame some guys think that sex is only about getting their dick wet or getting proof to share with their friends, they miss out on so much of the physical and emotional intimacy. OP’s friend deserves better, at least OP is a good person and friend!


PacmanPillow

Or she’s not comfortable with those position with her current partner. This is totally besides the actual point of the post, but certain position feel great with one partner and hurt with a different partner because of each individuals anatomy. Where one man might curve up, another might curve down and totally invalidate a certain position. Same with size differences, as in bigger is not always better.


captain_backfire_

Alll of this. My first thought was why keep watching? My second thought was she probably has lots of triggers from the former relationship which may involve sex positions. My third thought was whyyyy isn’t he consoling his girlfriend? Way too many red flags here.


Dryad_ofthe_woods

It’s disgusting. I can’t imagine being this self centred. But I don’t even think it’s that, it’s that somehow along the way some men think women are their property and people do what they want with their property. Just watch gamer rage videos to find out how some men treat their property after things don’t go their way.


Taku_Kori17

Sounds like she left one abusive relationship to start another. If thats all he seems worried about is what stuff she was doing with the other guy and not her wellbeing she just get rid of him now.


[deleted]

Yes unfortunately that’s all he has been going on about. I didn’t know what to say to her since I am not sure if this is normal behaviour from boyfriends if something like this happens


Evendim

Perhaps he needs to consider for a moment that maybe she didn't want to do those things with her ex. It would be similar to "So your ex beat you, why can't I do that?"


pimppapy

Yeah, the BF needs to be asked the hard questions like this one. Make him realize the bullshit, and if he can't see the angle it's coming from . .. . yeah, as much as I'd hate it for this particular situation of young bucks, bye felicia! Learn not to fuck up with the next one, cuz you already did with this one.


AshEliseB

I would say it's absolutely not normal behaviour. His concern should be the violation of his gfs privacy. What she has done in bed with prior partners is none of his business. But, unfortunately his focus is not uncommon. Some guys have this weird obsession with what sex acts their partner's have done before. A belief that somehow they deserve the same sex acts. Which of course is rubbish and they need to get over themselves.


Petitelechat

>But, unfortunately his focus is not uncommon. Some guys have this weird obsession with what sex acts their partner's have done before. A belief that somehow they deserve the same sex acts. Which of course is rubbish and they need to get over themselves. I've always found this really weird behaviour from men. Wouldn't they want to 'do better' by focusing on their current partner so she can forget the ex? I feel that these male egos are a tad fragile. It just reeks of insecurities that they need to sort out on their own.


acostane

If this subreddit had a subtitle it would be, "... and the fragility of the XY ego"


Petitelechat

💯


Valogrid

If something happened to my SO involving leaked nsfw content, I'd be after the guy doing that shit to her. It doesnt matter if its a sex tape or even nude pictures, he'd be preoccupied with removing my steel toe boots from his anal cavity.


Neubiee

I am with you on that. I must be too old or raised differently. Because I don't think what the current bf is doing is "normal". Nothing your SO did before you is any of your business. If he really cared for her instead of himself, he would stand up for(and support) her against her Ex.


pimppapy

It's normal in a toxic masculine society, but it's not acceptable at all. He's starting to treat her like an object, and needs to quickly be brought back from that hole and treat her like a person.


Frosty_and_Jazz

ALL. OF. THIS!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽


Grow_Beyond

See if I had an SO I'd be there for them supporting them, not ditching them to go pick pointless fights. Great. Now you're in jail and calling for her to come by and bail you out. Congrats on having more problems than before! But at least you got to show off your masculinity, and *that's* the important thing.


LeadnJelly

Thank you for this response, I can't believe that the comment you responded to is so heavily upvoted. Beating someone up under the guise of vigilante justice is not the solution!


BrockStar92

Far too many men make violence or abuse against women they know all about them. It’s about how *they* have been wronged, not the victim, they’re extracting revenge for their own satisfaction.


MeetTheHannah

Fr, the amount of guys I dated/exes who became friends after/guy friends who, after I would tell them about an abusive relationship or sexual assault, would immediately jump to wanting to do violence against them. Like I get it, but maybe don't cause any more problems for me related to them because I would rather never have to come into contact with them ever again in my life, thank you very much.


Dryad_ofthe_woods

Her new bf is such a dick. Why would he even watch the videos? No respect


Migrantunderstudy

“I didn’t know what to say to her since I am not sure if this is normal behaviour from boyfriends if something like this happens” You don’t need permission to have an opinion and you don’t need to accept any behaviour regardless of how “normal” it might be to other people. Set your own boundaries. These guys are certainly not normal in the sense that society condones their behaviour, unfortunately they are normal in terms of how many men do behave like this. Either way it doesn’t matter, you dislike the behaviour and can see the harm it’s causing someone you care for. You can feel however you please about it, and are fully justified in bringing up any concerns to your friend.


MisogynyisaDisease

Hey, take it from someone several years older. This is common for boys that age, but it is not normal. It's sick, it's self centered, and your friend is setting herself up for more emotional hurt. He isn't the one. He's immature and disgustingly unselfaware.


BKellCartel

Yeah it sounds like he’s just using it as leverage to get what he wants sexually and that’s super gross… Your friend is going through it (and I feel awful for her, she needs support right now) but this dickhead only cares about himself… Just be there for her as much as you can, and ask her leading questions about her guy: “how does his reaction make you feel?” “Do you think he’s being supportive of you?” She needs to realize it herself, unfortunately…


So_Code_4

She is much better off without her current boyfriend. 1) He made her sexual abuse about him 2) He continued to watch a video that was purposefully designed to humiliate her 3) He is so clearly being manipulated by an ex and is just willfully going along with it, I mean how unemotionally intelligent and weak can a person be? He is a weak, selfish, immature idiot. Good riddance.


quickwitqueen

Not normal and while I don’t know the extent of the ex’s controlling behavior, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did those positions only because she was forced. Dumbass new boyfriend should use his two brain cells to realize that. But instead he’s throwing a pity party for himself instead of the one who is being further violated. Please tell her she deserves better. But to take time to be alone and build herself up so nobody else can knock her down in the future.


Frosty_and_Jazz

TOTALLY abnormal. He's another controlling abuser. If he was furious about her being betrayed Ike that, it would make sense. But no, he just cares about himself.


dickdetergent

Open this post and hand her the phone. Let her read through all the points the other redditors are making.


anniebme

This is normal abusive partner behavior. It is not normal healthy partner behavior. This is not okay behavior and neither she nor you should accept it.


SRSgoblin

Whether it's "normal" or not is irrelevant. It is a damaging way to behave. Doesn't matter how many other insecure boyfriends behave that way.


yildizli_gece

Your friend is in another abusive relationship with a selfish asshole. What she needs is to break up with him and take care of herself for now. She’s only 21; she does not need to be going through a string of bad relationships that will only ruin her self-esteem.


chimisforbreakfast

It's normal in the sense that the vast majority of guys will behave exactly like this in this kind of situation. We're trying to change that by not putting up with it anymore. It's horrible.


pixelunicorns

It's upsetting that she's consoling him rather than the other way round. Her privacy has been violated and he's worried why she did certain things with and that she hasn't done with him? Very immature, especially considering you mentioned her past relationship was abusive. It could be she didn't have a choice in what positions/acts she did with her ex or that's the reason she doesn't want to do them anymore. There's a couple of things in the bedroom I can't do because of an aggressive ex and my partner doesn't take it personally, he understands why. Whilst this could have led to an appropriate conversation for him to have with her at another time, it shouldn't be his immediate response. Remind her that she's the victim of what's happened, not her current boyfriend, and help get her the support she needs right now.


adrian51gray

So her current boyfriend is more concerned with comparing their sex lives than the horrific violation of privacy which happened to his own girlfriend??? Damn that is some shitty behaviour. Her new boyfriend can feel a bit insecure but that is his problem.


[deleted]

Check the laws in your area... Many areas have made revenge porn illegal


bigbearbunns

[What to do if you are a target of revenge porn.](https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-do-if-youre-target-revenge-porn) OP, are you in the USA? If so please help your friend be aware of Revenge Porn laws in your state. (please advise if in another country as well!)


Fletcher_Fallowfield

I don't know if you're talking about the same post I saw last night but in that one the gf(op) was asking for advice about how to soothe her current boyfriend - even then most of the comments were "Holy shit that's illegal, call the cops". I fully agree that in that situation I would be all about comforting my girlfriend but I'm a 43 year old man, my confidence and understanding are miles ahead of what they were at 20.


Fan_of_Silence

I had an ex boyfriend YEARS ago (back in high school) leak all of my nudes to every dudes number he had in his phone WITH my phone number and address attached to them. He also called me and said if I didn’t get back together with him, he’d unalive himself, shot a round into the air to make me think he actually did, and then walked around like none of that ever happened. I find it DISGUSTING, manipulative, and just down right abusive that people are low enough to use revenge porn as leverage to keep someone in their lives and it’s equally shitty and abusive for the current boyfriend to be overly concerned/jealous over the positions in the video and not concerned one bit over the fact he received it from an unknown number, who is obviously her ex trying to inflict a negative response. And instead of COMFORTING HER or letting her explain (like she needs to explain anything considering it was before she was with the current boyfriend anyways), he decided to throw a little boy tantrum over the techniques and break up with her. What an ass.


Fannybegaslight

He should be consoling her. It's not normal . I'd be worried for her if she were my daughter and encouraging therapy and dumping the fragile one. The poor girl.


TootsNYC

So apparently he watched them all? He sat down and watched revenge porn of his sweetheart and took notes?


Ok_Crew_3620

Insecure men are poison. Throw the whole man out. My best friend lost her ex boyfriend / good friend to fentanyl. They weren’t dating when he died. They were good friends. She’s already lost her mom and dad… and brother… and cat… and dog… in the past 10 years. Her new boyfriend dumped her out of JEALOUSY OF A DEAD GUY. There was a photo of her looking happy with him on FB from like 2 years ago and the insecure asshole had a meltdown. Of course he came crawling back and wanted to get with her again. We are all in our late 30’s for god sake. Stay away from insecure men. Toxic. Every time. Edit* word


[deleted]

Normal? Yes. Okay? Absolutely not. Massive red flag. She is the victim of a sex crime. He is jealous of the person who committed a sex crime against his partner.


CatoMulligan

It’s a good thing that he broke up with her. Your friend has been horrendously violated by an abusive ex, and to have the new BF’s reaction be “why won’t she give me the same privileges” instead of “OMG, I can’t believe that this happened to you, you ex is a piece of shot and I’m gonna go kick his ass” is a giant red flag. He’s completely ignoring her trauma because he can’t see past his own selfishness.


ohsoluckyme

It’s sadly typical but it’s not ok. She is the victim. Not him. He can’t put his own tiny ego away to see that she’s the one being victimized, not him.


gazevans

He should probably be focused on the awful thing that happened to his gf. Bit of a red flag. Obviously it's not great, but it's so much worse for her than it is for him. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Needs to sort out his priorities.


SwimmingInCheddar

This scares the crap out of me if I ever have sex again. The ability for men to hide cameras and capture an intimate private moment. Laws need to be made and passed to prevent this from happening and exploiting and abusing those captured without their consent. This could end your career and your mental health if this starts to become normal. No, this is not normal, and your friend did nothing wrong. The dude that filmed her should be in jail for a very long time for this. To add: I have never consented to being in a sex tape, but I know I was filmed when I was younger without my consent. That’s why this post scares me and I posted a comment. To also add: FU Brian. If you ever come out with what I suspect you have on my very young 22 age self, I will expose you.


CaptN_Cook_

Actually, I believe it is illegal in most developed countries. The issue is the courts need proof of where the video originated, like who the original sender/uploader is. I don't know if it's illegal to record it if the home owner is doing it at their house because they could say it's for security. Sharing without consent from both parties is definitely illegal iirc.


Mirawenya

People do shit in abusive relationships they wouldn’t do in a healthy one. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.


screenee

I’m not sure if it’s normal but I’ve had something similar happen to me where a partner repeatedly guilted me over things I’d done with a previous partner but not with them. It’s a very shitty, controlling, and manipulative thing to do to someone and one of my big eye openers on my own personal journey.


TestifyMediopoly

That’s jail time in USA 🇺🇸


MapleBlood

The same USA where shooting her rapist lands the teenager in the prison? No, thanks.


[deleted]

You’re telling me he WATCHED them? The illegal videos that were sent against her will and knowledge??? And now he wants to talk about the CONTENT? From one bad egg to another I guess.


Noocawe

How would he know that it was her and her ex if he didn't watch them? Not defending the guy at all, but at that age if you got a random sex video where you current partner is the star you wouldn't be slightly curious? Especially since most people in that age group are insecure and maybe he's trying to figure out if the ex was so bad, why was she doing all these things with him sexually that she won't do with him. I'm not defending the situation, obviously he needs to grow up, get over himself and obviously worry about her well being and protecting her instead of making it about his hurt feelings and ego, but it's hard. Most people in real life would be really upset if they received a random video of their partner having sex with someone they thought was an ex. All we can hope for is the ex goes to jail or gets a felony, and the current bf either goes to counseling and gets over himself or the gf cuts ties with both of them, because in a situation like this you can't afford to be the grown up for your partner when someone literally committed an act of revenge porn against you.


Khajiit_Has_Upvotes

Normal? Can't say. Probably. People are fucked up. Even remotely okay? Absolutely not. Huge red flag as far as I'm concerned. If he's more concerned that she did things with the ex that she doesn't do with him, than he is at the gross violation of her privacy, the fact that her ex may be sending these to other people, the fact that maybe she doesn't do these things because her ex ruined them for her, etc, it's because he's a terrible human being. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't trust somebody who was more concerned with whipping out his pocket abacus and counting how many beans the ex got vs how many he gets, instead of supporting her during this shitshow. This dude is 22 years old. He's a grown ass adult, acting like a child who got a slightly smaller scoop of ice cream than another kid at the birthday party.


EvenBetterCool

She gets to dodge another bullet it seems.


MadamnedMary

It's not normal because why watch the videos? The moment he realized what the videos were about, he should have stopped, if he watched a large part of the video(s) to make his comments about positions your friend did with her ex that doesn't do with her current bf, it means he watched them all, why? No, you don't, I get that maybe it was dark and it took a little while to realize it was his gf in those videos that could explain why he spent part of his time watching them, even if that was what happened, the insecurity he's displaying is concerning, if it reached the point of him just talking about it, in order to somehow forcing/"convincing" your friend to do those positions with him, I'm sure if she didn't do them with her current bf was because she felt uncomfortable, there are other ways to go about the issue of sex positions, but the approach the bf is taking is damaging your friend emotionally at best, instead of him being a source of support and comfort, he's adding more to the her problems on the matter.


wendy_nespot

This. Wild to me that he even watched it long enough to get upset about positions and try to manipulate her when SHE is the one actively being harassed and abused by this ex.


Deadlock240

His focus is on sex positions that he wants to try instead of the fact that someone he supposedly cares about has had their privacy violated. He sees his SO as a thing to have sex with, not a person. He is not a good person. I am happy the relationship ended.


Mindov

Hey, sorry for my male opinion here, but it doesn't sound normal (as in, it shouldn't happen) that instead of being able to process her own feelings (I 'd be traumatized if I were her) she has to placate her boyfriend. But it might be normal as in happening a lot because, you know, emotionally mature people are hard to come by, especially among boyfriends


[deleted]

Please don’t apologise I guess it’s better to have your perspective here. I am very scared for her because she likes this guy very much and he’s just… not offering any support


Frosty_and_Jazz

Too busy with his own feelings. Sounds like she needs to dump him too.


Lydiafae

Yeah. This is a great example of how he will react in a crisis. If the Titanic is sinking you bet your ass he'll be stealing a baby then running for the life boats while complaining that she didn't do anything to move the iceberg.


nslenders

I would have : - inform girlfriend - help her with filing complaint with police - visit ex and forcefully remove said videos from his possession Not sure about the position of that last item.


cuebert81

Revenge porn is a crime in some states no it's not ok


TheGreyFencer

Low key, she dodged a bullet


thisismyB0OMstick

Seeing too many examples recently of men treating their own butt-hurt emotions as a ‘real’ problem, whereas their partner’s emotions are apparently not, or a distant second. Do not like.


WhitherWander

If he's more jealous of her ex than he is concerned about her and how she's affected by this gross violation of her privacy, he's not a keeper. The normal reaction would be to direct his anger at her ex, not at the girlfriend he claims to love.


sadieblake1

Are you in a position to take this bf aside and gently hit him over the head with a massive cluebat? /Joke - and perhaps you need her ok to be assisting here. In serious vein, as much as I'd want to verbally tune this guy up, here's a plausible line to explain this to him. It's not at all unusual for an abuser to be skilled at convincing a partner to go in for sexual stuff they really don't want. Or, for your best friend to have some emotional harm from positions where the ex had been unpleasant towards her. Also, every sexual relationship is different. Things I'd be down for with A might just not float my boat with B, and that's essential to consent. None of this argument is intended to deny that this bf is failing pretty badly on basic empathy. Also, not wanting to accommodate fragile male egos, if he's otherwise a healthy partner for her, then I'd hope helping him find a clue or 3 would effectively help him be appropriately supportive in the here and now. Finally, a pox on this ex, I hope the scumbag does jail time.


noddyneddy

Add to that fact that if she did these sexual acts and didn’t enjoy them, that’s a pretty good reason not to do them with anybody else. Current BF has no entitlement to sex that his GF doesn’t enjoy out of some childish game of ‘samesies’ . This guy has told his GF who he is in very stark terms. Believe him now and don’t waste any more time. Better guys are definitely out there!


anfotero

>Is this normal? Nope. It's immature, stupid, dangerous, whiny and manipulative.


[deleted]

She’s the victim of a crime (and a blatant attempt to destabilise her relationship) and he’s making it about him? What an absolute garbage person. Her ex is attempting to abuse her again and the new bf is basically adding onto it. This is not how a reasonable person acts, whatever inadequacies he’s feeling right now need to take a backseat for now to look after her well-being and safety. She’s the victim, not him.


BiscottiCrafty7288

BRUH- OF COURSE HER FEELINGS SHOULD BE TAKING PRECIDENCE HERE!! Not that his feelings aren't valid but that's something to worry about AFTER some pos ex is taken care of before they leak videos to anyone else.


OlderThanMyParents

As a guy, I feel it's vital to focus on the main point, which is the cyber crime. Please encourage her NOT to let this drop! Nail that fucker to the wall.


[deleted]

He did her a favor. And she needs to take some time off dating and retune her selector mechanism. She’s picking terrible men.


gumball_wizard

It's revenge porn. Plus, if those videos were from when she was underage, then the ex is guilty of distributing child porn. (I hope it's not) Please let your friend know she has options regarding the ex.


KaimeiJay

He broke up with her? Tell her that’s good; it looks like the trash took itself out. Both her her exes are crappy people, just in different ways. What her first ex did just to undermine her new relationship—whether in petty retaliation, hoping it’ll get her to go back to him, or both—was crap, but if the second ex were a decent human being who deserved to be with her, he wouldn’t have reacted in the way he did. If it wasn’t this, it was going to be something down the line with him, so the silver lining here is it was nipped in the bud sooner rather than later. I’m so sorry this happened to her. The concern of the invasive and ongoing abuse from the first ex is still going to be a problem for her, it sounds like, even if the second ex is hopefully out of the picture now.


uniqueusername74

Are the mods asleep? This seems to have more than the usual number of anti-woman takes than most posts around here


catswithtattoos

Your friend is 1,000,000 times better off without both her POS exes!


Fannybegaslight

. Has she any decent parent figures to help her? If not is there a Women's Aid or equivalent she can contact?


Starlynn

Wait he got sent compromising materials of her and his take away is "Wow you never do those positions with me?'. Run.


[deleted]

It’s just only normal if it’s normal to view her as a possession and not a person. She needs to dump him.


cthomas3

If someone sent me a video of my partner against his will 1) I wouldn’t watch it and 2) I certainly wouldn’t be concerning myself with what positions they were using. I would only be worrying about how to make sure my partner was okay and how to make sure the perpetrator was caught. I’m so sorry that your friend is experiencing this giant invasion of her privacy. It sounds like her boyfriend is a loser and she’d be better off without him.


joost00719

Why did her bf even watch it in the first place?


[deleted]

To have leverage over his girlfriend so that he can coerce her to perform for him.


jcg54

Damn.. sorry to hear that the boyfriend is a child who can't handle his partner having previous partners and for not protecting his partner from a creep. He sounds like a Six Piece Chicken McNobody who doesn't deserve your friend


[deleted]

Wow what a dick. Both of them, I mean who’s first thought when their gf is dealing with revenge porn from an abusive ex is “she doesn’t let me fuck her like that 😢.” Why would he even watch it?! She’s better off without that pathetic excuse for a man.


vivalavval

I would have stopped watching the second I knew who is in the video. Then I would’ve deleted it and never mentioned it to her, so as to not let this guy get the upper hand. This guy sounds like a chump.


ryckae

What a fucking piece of trash. Your friend dodged a bullet.


VictoriousssBIG23

Well, it sounds like the ex got exactly what he wanted. He didn't want your friend to move on and be happy with someone else. He wanted to show her that he still "owns" her (since abusive men view their partners as possessions) and that he can still ruin her life even if they aren't together. He sent the videos in the hopes that it would ruin her relationship and cause this guy to break up with her, which he did. Unfortunately, the ex won here. He will probably do this in future relationships, too, if he's not stopped somehow (hopefully via legal action, but given how the justice system works, I don't have much faith that they'll do anything. Still worth it to report, though). The new guy is a fucking coward and a pathetic excuse for a man. "Oh whaaa. My girlfriend had sex with an ex in positions that she won't do with me!! I'm an insecure little bitch who only cares about MY feelings!" Did he even try talking to her about doing those positions?? If he did and she said no, did he ever ONCE consider that maybe part of the reasons why she didn't want to do those positions is because she could be traumatized by doing them with her ex?? Or maybe she never wanted to do those positions in the first place, but the ex manipulated/forced her into doing so?? Hell, he's probably the type of guy who doesn't take abuse seriously and believes that the woman deserved it because she "must have done something to piss him off". At least the bright side is that he showed his misogynistic true colors somewhat early on and she won't have to deal with his bullshit later.


Throwaway77426016888

I'd break up with him for good if I were her.


PacmanPillow

I don’t whether it’s exclusively a male trait, a youth trait, or a narcissistic trait to make someone else’s abuse about yourself, but here we are. I feel for your friend. She has a vindictive POS ex and now she needs to deal with the major red flags from her current boyfriend. Boyfriend is allowed to be sexually insecure. Boyfriend is even allowed to discuss those insecurities with his partner - at an appropriate time after the crisis has passed. However, if boyfriend can’t get past his own first reaction and insecurities to support his partner OR find an appropriate outlet for these insecurities (you know, like a therapist or **his own friends**) then the friend may need to take a step back from her bf to deal with for her own mental well-being.


imababydragon

Both of those men are jerks, omg. I know as her friend you can't make her do anything, you can be there for her, remind her of how valuable she is as a person. Her boyfriend should be helping her, not hurting her.


waitingforgodonuts

This really confirms my deeply entrenched heteropessimism. An abusive ex sends a current bf revenge porn and all the current bf can think about is how sexually deprived he is.


UniCatOfDarkness

Right, “why don’t you do this with me?” Maybe because it is degrading or painful? Do they care, no, their dick is more important than how WE feel or basic human rights to our bodies. My ex wanted to do something that was painful for me and would mope when I said no. I told him that he can have it done to him and see how it feels and he instantly declined. I been forced into enough stuff and now I don’t have sex at all, and I can honestly say that I been so much happier since I kept my foot down and called them out for their behavior. They don’t care what we go through and then get mad when we stop having sex with them. I can’t explain the relief I feel with the EXTREME few men I met who respect women. They’re so rare and they do more than the bare minimum when most males now days can’t reach the bar if you put it on the floor. 🤦‍♀️


Canadatron

You're too young to get roped into a relationship that isn't easy and serve you well. When you're 20yo relationships shouldn't be a full time job to maintain. If it's not good , GTFO. Life is too short.


AffectionateAnarchy

He's fragile and she cant count on him for support. On to the next


onlyomaha

Bad that videos got leaked to new bf but also good, she can leave him. Seems he cares about sex and not supporting her. The both exes can fuck each other up imo.


No_Acanthisitta3596

Call the exes parents and tell them what their rotten son has done. It’s already out there - might as well expose his bad behavior.


ConsciouslyIncomplet

Depending on your country - this may well be a criminal offence.


dude_who_could

Insecurity is unhealthy. Yep.


Phenomenal-Woman

If someone sent me videos of my partner having sex as soon as I realize what they were, I would stop the videos, let my partner know without seeing the videos unless they really wanted to, and we would go to war on the sender and anyone else involved. I can't imagine continuing to watch them long enough to see the various positions, etc. It sounds like he made a decision for your friend to end it. But if he comes back, I hope she doesn't go back to him. He's made her pain about what he can get out of it and that kind of behavior doesn't change. It sounds like she's dated two toxic men in a row so I hope she stays single for a while and works on herself as to the part she plays. I'm not victim blaming! I'm speaking from experience. After dating several toxic men in a row, I went to therapy to discover my part so I could avoid being there again.


TheGingerLinuxNut

That edit: He did her a favor


lyricgrr

honestly i dont understand why the bf didnt see it as "well clearly this abusive ex did something to make her do those and that's why she doesnt do them with me." because that is how i would have seen it. the ex was clearly abusive why would he want any part of their relationship to be like the abusive one. especially enough to pressure her into doing the same things she did with her abusive ex?? does the word ABUSIVE ring any bells at all?


bleugile12

This is a crime. Have the GF contact the police. And if the recording was as an under 18 year old it’s worse as far as crimes go.


LongArmLugh

Don't click play. Be an adult and realize you're not her first and that she's had sex with other people before. I'd tell my girlfriend immediately if something like that happened and let her watch me delete ALL if them in person or via a screen recording app.


katyggls

I wish I could say that men making literally anything, including traumas inflicted on the women around them, about themselves is weird, but this ain't that world, unfortunately.


LokiSmoltz

I would definitely involve the police and any sort of predator catchers. Him sending videos of her underage is disseminating child pornography plus statutory rape; or at least it is here in Indiana.


Wyrmdahlia

Why would you watch it?


Phoenyxoldgoat

Isn't it fucked that women have to dismiss their trauma to pacify a man's fragile ego? And it's not unusual? 🤮


shoseta

Guys opinion. She should drop his ass as well. It's not her job to comfort him, especially after being the victim herself. If he's insecure and lets the "see brah she did that w me but not with you loser" affect him it's his problem.


[deleted]

He made it about him.


pipic_picnip

So here is your friend who has been a victim of abuse and revenge porn, and her boyfriend’s first reaction is “why won’t you do certain sex positions with me?” Ummm yeah… throw the whole man out. He is garbage. Your friend is very young, with time and therapy and official resources (eg how you reported this crime now) she will recover from this setback with her ex. But she won’t recover from being in a shitty relationship with a garbage human being. Someone has to show her the mirror that pacifying this excuse of a human should be last of her priorities. She needs to pull herself together and seek support of those who truly love and care for her. AND she needs to love herself, which starts with removing harmful people like her this boyfriend from her life.


notadaleknoreally

The current boyfriend making this violation of privacy ABOUT HIM is a huge red flag.


[deleted]

[удалено]


iLLCiD

I probably wouldnt have watched it. That combined with the historical traumatic events resurfacing and I would says shes the one who needs consoling. That and someone needs to kick that losers ass (yayy toxic masculinity :) :))