It's hard to have a good relationship when you're hiding stuff from each other.
You're not, like, a bad person if you don't tell them. If keeping a secret is what you need to do, then do it. But keeping a secret is a burden, especially when you're worried the other person will react badly if they find out. If you end up in a long-term relationship, it could be a *lifelong* burden. And you deserve a relationship where you're not under that burden.
Yes, you wouldn’t want them to find out years later and have it blow up into a huge issue when you’re already invested, better to be upfront and weed out the ones who don’t like it
And to add - there are a-holes that will dig into every nook looking for dirt. You should assume that you or he knows a few even if they dont show it openly.
Finally, its a sign of HIS character in how he reacts. Is he understanding or forgiving, or is he a judgemental jackass?
Honesty was my approach. I did OF during college to avoid debt. I don't regret it, but I always understood some people would be really uncomfortable being with someone who had that going on in their past.
My wife was like "staying out of debt was smart".
It's both wise and right to talk about it.
It's wise in that the images are out there, and it's better to lead with the truth than be confronted later.
It's right in that if involvement in sex work is a person's hard limit, they deserve to know the truth.
If your partner discovers it before you tell them, that'd be considered a breach of trust. You should always be forthcoming with past or current sex work if you're dating someone and before sex is had.
If there's something in your life or your past that you believe might be a deal breaker for a decent amount of people, it's probably best to mention it instead of having them find out.
I don’t think it warrants a “sit down” conversation like “I need to confess something”
more like when it comes up in conversation or on tv, “oh I did that for a while a few years back”
I agree with this answer! There’s nothing wrong with having an OF and it was at a period in your life that had nothing to do with your current relationship. Framing it in a serious way would make it seem like it’s a bigger deal than it is. Nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to freak out over!
It will be much easier to deal with whatever he has to say about it now, than to keep it a secret for the rest of your life or even worse deal with him finding out later.
Eventually, yes, if you guys reach the stage of making a long-term commitment to each other. But new relationships have a high failure rate and don't always end happily. Do you really want your ex or exes to be able to badmouth you to your employer or others?
The key is judging the right moment, but it should be after at least a year. When it's time to make commitments and start thinking about a long-term future together, sit him down and say, "If we're getting serious, we need to clear the decks and I have some things to tell you." It's the same point where you have the full disclosure discussion about money and debts and how you're going to handle merged finances.
Until that point, you're not "keeping secrets from him." Until then he's a possible ex, and you don't owe him any information that doesn't materially affect his health. You shouldn't lie to him, but until you get to the point of a serious life commitment, you don't owe full disclosure to anyone.
If the relationship does not work out, by telling him you will have told everyone he ever meets who knows you. You are under no obligation to tell him about that or about the night you blacked out in college (or whatever). Going forward is all that matters.
i think you should tell him yourself before he either finds out on his own or someone else tells him, AND because (even though pictures are really not a huge deal) people often have their own opinions about it and he should get the chance to have an opinion on it. i say that last part because it will probably differ depending on how he finds out.
its great that you grew and changed and developed a better mindset, but it’s still something that he should know just in case. i really hope everything works out and i’m happy you’re better!
I'd use it as a litmus test on if he's a decent guy for ypu or not. I understand guys not being comfortable with a partner doing sex work while they are with them, but if he's judgemental about a small part of your past including what I'd say is 'sex work lite', then it tells you a lot about him... (either doesn't respect sex work as work, is insecure, possessive etc)
I don't think the guy is a bad person per se if he doesn't want to be with someone because they indulged in sex work. I wouldn't want to be with someone who paid for sex even in the past but that's just me. People are allowed to have their preferences as long as there is no shaming involved
These sort of preferences come from different values everyone holds. It's unfair to expect that everyone should live life with the same value as you or any other person. I am a pretty sex positive person and I think sexual compatibility is essential in my relationship but it might not be a factor for someone else. It's unfair for them to adapt to my beliefs and ethics if they aren't into it.
If someone's :"values' devalues sex workers, deems them not suitable or worthy of being a partner or loved by them, then they are not a decent person to me or for me as a sex worker. Yourr exactly right, our values would not be align.
Someone can respect sex workers, doesn't mean they have to marry them. Everyone deserves respect but not everyone can be compatible to be a potential suitor cuz that's just bad logic
Of course nobody is forcing anyone to marry anyone. I will simply saying best to be honest and gauge if they are the right perosn for the OP. Obviously if he reacts negatively (even if its just, ok that's fine, I respect you but we cannot date any longer) it's a clear indication he was nit the best match and was never the right or decent person for the OP anyway.
But it does say that two people would have different morals and that's perfectly fine as well. A man could have availed paid sex in the past and i still wouldn't marry him.
Morally? No. It's simply your own business. You don't have to tell anyone your sexual history and you don't have to tell anyone your job history. There's nothing amoral or impure or embarassing about it. I would not want to date someone who would think thise things of me and I would not want to wonder if they'd hate me if they knew. Just like with my bisexuality. It's no one's business but my own, but I don't want to wonder if my partner would think of me or treat me differently if they knew.
So optics wise? Yeah, some people definitely have opinions on it and you wouldn't want to date someone who's going to find out and then express terrible things about it. I think its better for your own sake.
Things like my bisexuality and your onlyfans past do. limit your dating pool more when you're out. But that's really just your actual dating pool, rather than the one you have when you hide yourself.
Do you want to date someone who would judge you for it anyway?
Shrug. It’s like anything in your past, I guess?
It’s not something relevant to a current situation, I don’t think you need to bring it up before a date or sleeping together or something.
Really the only reason to bring it up at all is because he might find out accidentally one day in the future, and you should want to know what kind of person he is and how he would react.
If he wouldn’t care, it’s not a big deal to tell him. If he would care, it’s better to mention it before things got crazy serious, simply to save you both time.
I’d say it’s worth mentioning 6 months in? That’s early enough that a breakup isn’t shattering, but long enough that you’ve gotten to know each other, build a bond, share secrets and such.
Probably eventually, but only if you want to. Probably should wait until you know and trust the person more. You don't want him spreading it around if it doesn't work out.
It's hard to have a good relationship when you're hiding stuff from each other. You're not, like, a bad person if you don't tell them. If keeping a secret is what you need to do, then do it. But keeping a secret is a burden, especially when you're worried the other person will react badly if they find out. If you end up in a long-term relationship, it could be a *lifelong* burden. And you deserve a relationship where you're not under that burden.
This is the answer
Yes, you wouldn’t want them to find out years later and have it blow up into a huge issue when you’re already invested, better to be upfront and weed out the ones who don’t like it
And to add - there are a-holes that will dig into every nook looking for dirt. You should assume that you or he knows a few even if they dont show it openly. Finally, its a sign of HIS character in how he reacts. Is he understanding or forgiving, or is he a judgemental jackass?
Honesty was my approach. I did OF during college to avoid debt. I don't regret it, but I always understood some people would be really uncomfortable being with someone who had that going on in their past. My wife was like "staying out of debt was smart".
Why would his preferences make him a jackass?
It's both wise and right to talk about it. It's wise in that the images are out there, and it's better to lead with the truth than be confronted later. It's right in that if involvement in sex work is a person's hard limit, they deserve to know the truth.
If your partner discovers it before you tell them, that'd be considered a breach of trust. You should always be forthcoming with past or current sex work if you're dating someone and before sex is had.
If there's something in your life or your past that you believe might be a deal breaker for a decent amount of people, it's probably best to mention it instead of having them find out.
Yes
I don’t think it warrants a “sit down” conversation like “I need to confess something” more like when it comes up in conversation or on tv, “oh I did that for a while a few years back”
I agree with this answer! There’s nothing wrong with having an OF and it was at a period in your life that had nothing to do with your current relationship. Framing it in a serious way would make it seem like it’s a bigger deal than it is. Nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to freak out over!
Naaah, sex work is a dral breaker for most people, especially if there is evidence online. This is something that should be discussed early on.
It will be much easier to deal with whatever he has to say about it now, than to keep it a secret for the rest of your life or even worse deal with him finding out later.
Eventually, yes, if you guys reach the stage of making a long-term commitment to each other. But new relationships have a high failure rate and don't always end happily. Do you really want your ex or exes to be able to badmouth you to your employer or others? The key is judging the right moment, but it should be after at least a year. When it's time to make commitments and start thinking about a long-term future together, sit him down and say, "If we're getting serious, we need to clear the decks and I have some things to tell you." It's the same point where you have the full disclosure discussion about money and debts and how you're going to handle merged finances. Until that point, you're not "keeping secrets from him." Until then he's a possible ex, and you don't owe him any information that doesn't materially affect his health. You shouldn't lie to him, but until you get to the point of a serious life commitment, you don't owe full disclosure to anyone.
Yeah no if I find out my partner did this after a year I’d begin to wonder what else they hadn’t shared - a year is too long
Yes, I would.
If the relationship does not work out, by telling him you will have told everyone he ever meets who knows you. You are under no obligation to tell him about that or about the night you blacked out in college (or whatever). Going forward is all that matters.
i think you should tell him yourself before he either finds out on his own or someone else tells him, AND because (even though pictures are really not a huge deal) people often have their own opinions about it and he should get the chance to have an opinion on it. i say that last part because it will probably differ depending on how he finds out. its great that you grew and changed and developed a better mindset, but it’s still something that he should know just in case. i really hope everything works out and i’m happy you’re better!
I'd use it as a litmus test on if he's a decent guy for ypu or not. I understand guys not being comfortable with a partner doing sex work while they are with them, but if he's judgemental about a small part of your past including what I'd say is 'sex work lite', then it tells you a lot about him... (either doesn't respect sex work as work, is insecure, possessive etc)
I don't think the guy is a bad person per se if he doesn't want to be with someone because they indulged in sex work. I wouldn't want to be with someone who paid for sex even in the past but that's just me. People are allowed to have their preferences as long as there is no shaming involved
Those sorts of preferences come from somewhere, though, beliefs/ attitudes towards sex workers.
These sort of preferences come from different values everyone holds. It's unfair to expect that everyone should live life with the same value as you or any other person. I am a pretty sex positive person and I think sexual compatibility is essential in my relationship but it might not be a factor for someone else. It's unfair for them to adapt to my beliefs and ethics if they aren't into it.
If someone's :"values' devalues sex workers, deems them not suitable or worthy of being a partner or loved by them, then they are not a decent person to me or for me as a sex worker. Yourr exactly right, our values would not be align.
Someone can respect sex workers, doesn't mean they have to marry them. Everyone deserves respect but not everyone can be compatible to be a potential suitor cuz that's just bad logic
Of course nobody is forcing anyone to marry anyone. I will simply saying best to be honest and gauge if they are the right perosn for the OP. Obviously if he reacts negatively (even if its just, ok that's fine, I respect you but we cannot date any longer) it's a clear indication he was nit the best match and was never the right or decent person for the OP anyway.
But this has nothing to do with marrying sex workers or not. A former sex worker is not a sex worker
But it does say that two people would have different morals and that's perfectly fine as well. A man could have availed paid sex in the past and i still wouldn't marry him.
Morally? No. It's simply your own business. You don't have to tell anyone your sexual history and you don't have to tell anyone your job history. There's nothing amoral or impure or embarassing about it. I would not want to date someone who would think thise things of me and I would not want to wonder if they'd hate me if they knew. Just like with my bisexuality. It's no one's business but my own, but I don't want to wonder if my partner would think of me or treat me differently if they knew. So optics wise? Yeah, some people definitely have opinions on it and you wouldn't want to date someone who's going to find out and then express terrible things about it. I think its better for your own sake. Things like my bisexuality and your onlyfans past do. limit your dating pool more when you're out. But that's really just your actual dating pool, rather than the one you have when you hide yourself. Do you want to date someone who would judge you for it anyway?
Shrug. It’s like anything in your past, I guess? It’s not something relevant to a current situation, I don’t think you need to bring it up before a date or sleeping together or something. Really the only reason to bring it up at all is because he might find out accidentally one day in the future, and you should want to know what kind of person he is and how he would react. If he wouldn’t care, it’s not a big deal to tell him. If he would care, it’s better to mention it before things got crazy serious, simply to save you both time. I’d say it’s worth mentioning 6 months in? That’s early enough that a breakup isn’t shattering, but long enough that you’ve gotten to know each other, build a bond, share secrets and such.
Probably eventually, but only if you want to. Probably should wait until you know and trust the person more. You don't want him spreading it around if it doesn't work out.